69: Eat Your Crow with Sean Donnelly | Soder Podcast | EP 67

Huntsville, Alabama.

I'm gonna be at Levity Live February 20th through the 22nd for five shows.

Dansoder.com, then California,

Balboa Theater, February 28th.

Then March 2nd, I'm going to be at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco.

March 8th, I'm going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan for Gildas Fest.

I'm going to be headlining one show there, so check it out.

March 8th in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I was hoping the drones were something more, and Trump said he was going to say what it was, and they said.

The jury's not on that.

It's not even the drones that are.

There's way more stuff happening here.

You have to understand something about my good friend Sean Donald.

He's all the way in on UFOs.

I'm talking about UFOs.

I'm talking about underwater submergibles.

We can go.

We can go in it.

I see Sean.

I know I can burn an hour talking about extraterrestrial life forms.

Yes.

Which you mean, NHI?

NHI, which now they're starting to confirm that there's been the newest whistleblower.

Seems they both seem legit to me.

There's a guy named David Gresh and a guy named Jake Barber.

Jake Barber is the newest one, and he's even more, has more credentials than even David Grush had, and even more because he's an eyeball witness.

Did you say David Koresh?

Well, yes, that's David Kresh.

Janet Reno's NHI.

You've got to watch Sean Donnelly's episode of Soder.

They go down a hole.

By the end of it, I go, man, it's all connected.

It's all connected.

I go, this is how that happened to Rogan.

I was like, watching you go, and I go, he was on the Roswell ship.

I'm on board.

But no, I'm full in.

Like, I've gotten pretty

on the rabbit hole.

So,

Grush came out about 2023.

David Grush came out, and he had credentials up the wazoo as well about

clearance, all the clearances,

character witnesses coming out, all like security clearances.

And what he said is, I did a four-year investigation and I have evidence that based off my over 50 witnesses that I've interviewed, that there's the government superseding the Congress and our laws has been running a craft retrieval program for the past 60 years in tandem with other democratic nations.

Since Roswell?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

So since Roswell, that's when it all started.

And they think that it probably started.

A lot of this has to do with radiation and nuclear stuff.

Well, we basically, from what the

big flag up, like, hey, the analogy I've heard is that you were driving along a highway and an ant shot a gun in the air.

You're like, hey, you guys want to stop and look at that?

I think there's an ant with a 45 on the side of the highway.

That's a perfect way to put it, I think.

That's what I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't hurt us with that.

We showed up on their radar.

And they're like, we have that.

You don't have that yet.

How do you get an anti-trust?

How did an ant get a gun?

And you go, Einstein?

science einstein and oppenheimer

and uh so what ends up happening is he's i have this investigation he's grilled by the congress like and this is bipartisan as well and this is that's another thing that you kind of have to realize nothing's bipartisan and this is there is people that disagree on everything else in life that are like we're on board for this really funny because the one thing you have to understand about washington dc

is they're all friends.

Yes, they're like buddies.

Yes, that's true.

But public.

Exactly what George Carlin said.

It's a big club and you ain't in it.

Yes, absolutely.

People have lost that message.

But they go, no, no, no.

These guys like me, and they go, they don't give a lot.

They don't give a shit.

And I can understand, that's like with hate for the Democrats.

I kind of understand it because they do it in a sleazier way where they go, hey, bro.

They get down on one knee.

They go, hey, bro, I really want to help you.

And you go,

yeah, man.

At least the Republicans are like, we're going to tear all the water.

We're terrible, but we're honest about it.

Yeah, you go, fuck you.

Fuck yeah.

I admire your gum shit.

They go, I don't like you.

I go, oh, you're a big greedette, too.

Oh, bitch, I'm way on board.

I'll win you over.

Oh, oh, fuck.

I slapped him tits.

But you were saying.

Anyway, so this Grush was kind of the big whistleblower.

They didn't want to put him under oath.

They said, we don't want you to be under oath.

And he insisted to be under oath.

There was other witnesses on the panel as well.

Do you do that as being like, I'm telling you, motherfuckers, I'm telling the truth.

Yes, 100%.

But the glaring thing, I think you're never going to convince 100% of the people 100% of the time.

They could have a video tomorrow of one of these things that goes on every news channel.

I mean, Big Jay will not budge.

Exactly.

Big J.

Also,

Noam from the Cellar, same thing.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Noam won't budge.

Won't budge.

Won't budge.

It's like there's no such thing.

He thinks it's just like other countries or whatever it is.

My question is this:

so Noam, and because Jay you Jay's point is if there were aliens, everyone's mind would be melted.

Everybody would be in the streets running and screaming.

My question is, so you just think humans are it?

You just think we're the only thing?

We're the only life form in the fucking vast

universe.

A lot of people's point.

And then so it gets even deeper than that.

So the crash retrieval stuff gets even crazier because so the crush is just like hey there's a program and then the skeptics were like which rightfully so we're like yeah but have you seen one of these things like like firsthand and he's like no he's like like all right then we can discount you immediately even though he did a four-year investigation serious dude been in the military for 20 years was in iraq all this crazy stuff they're like nah you're you're a wackadoo because everybody's used to like you know you have guys with tinfoil hats on and coming out and being like ancient aliens guy yeah yeah with a weird hair shout out ancient aliens because because when all said and done and i record this right here when all said and done There will be several things that were said on ancient aliens that were correct.

That is true.

And people will have to eat their crow on them.

They won't.

I know they won't because no one eats their crow anymore, but you will.

But it's true.

Ancient aliens, there probably will be four or five things where you go, that was in an episode of Ancient Aliens.

But they did.

I'm just saying, it's a pothead.

That's watched all of them.

I'll be a devil's advocate here, but they have muddied up the waters enough.

That'll be proven as well.

So it's going to be like a two-handed thing.

But anyway,

so Grush was like, there is a program.

I proved it.

I talked to so many...

people about this that would know well and the government here's my point of why the government would never let that out the government doesn't want to let the citizens know that they've been getting swindled too, that there's been a secret thing that they don't even know about.

Exactly.

Because then they go, you go, well, what about checks and balances?

So it isn't fucking.

It's circumventing or it's superseding something.

Yeah, you're like, you.

So really,

I think the biggest...

Believable thing to me is that it's so compartmentalized, the government side of this thing, that only certain people know certain pieces.

I think there's probably 12 guys.

There's a thing called Majestic 12.

That's like a document that talks about people who know the whole entire picture of what goes on with these things.

That's got to be wild.

Imagine sitting next to that guy on a flight, his last day at work.

He gets drunk.

He goes, can I tell you something?

And he goes, this is all a simulation.

And you go, fuck,

I'm drinking again.

Jameson?

I come home, Katie's like, what is it?

I go, put on your hostra sweatshirt.

I go

before I tell you what's really going on.

But the,

so

I think it's so compartmentalized.

Also,

people's big question is: if this was really going on, there's no way, almost like how JFK was.

Like, there's no way you could keep the secret.

Sure.

You could, if you're putting it under the Nuclear Secrets Act, which is what all schematics for like nuclear bombs are put under.

And nobody questions those because it's like nobody wants anybody to have a nuclear bomb.

That's a great point.

And because these things give off radiation, they were in their rights to be like, it's under this act.

So that's why it's exempt from FOIA.

That's why it's exempt from any kind of like citizen trying to find out the information.

That That makes complete sense.

Same here.

I think that it makes a lot of sense.

You're just like, yeah, we put it in a place where you, where all our national secrets are.

So, of course, you're not going to learn that because then you would be learning about where our nukes are and who has nukes and who's capable of making them.

And this stuff is kind of

similar to it.

You know, I always think that's really interesting when they do that kind of stuff.

Like

the last podcast on the left did a phenomenal series about

the JFK assassination.

They did like a five-episode arc.

So it's like over six hours of them talking about it.

And what they do is they go through every single conspiracy theory behind the Kennedy assassination.

Yeah.

And then they do an episode where they each pick which one they think is real.

I believe two or all of them, either two-thirds of them or all three of them agree that there is one conspiracy theory, that there is no magic bullet, that there was one single gunman.

However, when Oswald fired the jumper seat with the Secret Service Service agent, his rifle went off and blew Kennedy's brains out.

And the Secret Service was brand new that year.

It was like either brand new or in its infancy.

And they didn't want to get it killed off because of all those.

I didn't even heard that one.

And then they said that they go, like, oh, there must have been a second gunman.

And then everybody, like, the Secret Service was like, no, no, no, it was another gunman.

We will not take that one.

Look into that one.

Because that's the one where I go, it's like an episode of Veep.

It makes the most sense.

Yeah.

You go like, ah, fuck.

It must be a second.

That wasn't me.

that's what i would do if i was if i had accidentally killed kennedy i would go like another gunman and it would also give you that we'll get back to you of votes but it would also give you a really big reason of why for a cover-up besides it being a second gunman because they want to keep this program that has federal funding and is you know well also the the the just complete lack of duty like the complete lack of skill and the complete the fucking up part look into it because something like the cadillac had a jumper seat which was like sideways and he was holding a rifle, which the people that have believed that conspiracy theory are like, if you look at the angle, it's where fucking Kennedy's brain got blown out.

See, I watched that Peter Dennis Case Closed one, which is based off this famous book, Case Closed, by Mark Sumpton.

And his thing, which really spoke to me, because I read so many books on this in high school, because JFK came out the movie.

And he said, all it is, is that the third seat in that limo is six inches higher than everybody says it is.

It's not, it wasn't equal with the other seats.

So Oswald's bullet, if you do that trajectory it goes from the shoulder into connoys and it's not the headshot though it was it was uh yeah it was a shoulder one yeah exactly which seinfeld did perfect with the spit back into the left yeah

but it's one of those theories where i go like a second spitter yeah i just go that makes the most sense yeah someone up and they're just covering it up if you at this point 50 or 16 whatever it is whatever it is later i believe that they could up like that it happens it happens all the time so fucking loot yeah i mean you ever hear the nuke one about how there was a plane carrying nukes over like North Carolina, and there was like four safety switches, so they wouldn't get wouldn't go loose or wouldn't wouldn't be deployed if something went wrong, and something went wrong, and three of them, the safety switches busted, and only one safety switch saved a nuke from exploding in like the 60s or 60s, I think, like peak Cold War situation.

You just you go right down to like Raleigh, and it's like a guy fighting his wife.

He's like, I wish the whole world would blew up right now.

And they go,

it's just like a bomb.

He's like, kill me, Khrushchev.

What are the Russians going to blow us to happen?

It's like Dr.

Strangelove.

Yeah.

This guy riding it.

But so the second guy with the aliens, he had contact.

So this is Jake Barber.

This is the newest whistleblower.

Our new honk.

Our new Tiger Beat.

Dude, if that was Tiger Beat.

All these whistleblowers.

Oh, dude, you're not subscribed to Whistleblower Magazine?

Just these hobbies.

Just these guys that go, I know what really happened at Roswell.

Top 10 secret areas of the CIA.

Who's this new whistleblower dating?

What's his perfect date?

It's just these bald military dudes with like hearts around them.

With all these different flags on their pants.

What are you looking for in an alien girlfriend?

I want someone that can fly to her own planet.

And keep her mouth shut.

It's so funny.

New whistleblower tells us his perfect damn bed.

They have a contest with a candlelight dinner.

Whoever's good at fucking

a Photoshop, please make whistleblower magazines.

Whistleblower Tigravy is whatever.

This whistleblower enjoys watching UFOs and underwater

submersibles.

Find out where Bob Lazar gets his glasses.

Bob Lazar's five hobbies from another realm.

This one's just missed.

This one's a thought process that's just missed.

Babu, that's so funny.

Oh, that's so funny.

So the new guy.

So the new guy is a guy.

The new hunk on the block.

The new hunk on the block.

The cover cover boy, really.

Coverboy.

He's got the neon outline with a hard.

Is this him testifying with his name?

I holler this up in my room.

I love this.

Getting Sean to laugh like this is one of my favorite things in the world.

That's so funny.

Oh my God, Whistleblower Magazine.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Somebody photoshopped that, right?

That's perfect.

I just got to toss it out to the internet.

The fans are so fucking talented.

It's insane.

That's so hilarious.

It's because if you had pictures of all these kids.

They're all like chubby middle-aged people.

They all look like guys.

They all look like the guys that they show the picture at the end of the movie where it's like, I said this on Regs, where it's like the guy that Matt Damon's based off of.

They just show him the guy.

Listen to him and he's like.

I lived in Gary, Indiana.

I had three kids.

Even the Christian Bale guy from Fighter.

And you're like, oh, they helped this guy out.

They made him look.

They immortalized this motherfucker.

So anyway, this is Jake Barber, the center they're really just selling magazines left and right, flying off the shelves.

He is, so he's the next whistleblower and he is one of the, he's, I think, one of the witnesses that Grush spoke to and then made a promise to Grush, went through all the different processes.

Here's the thing, and it can make some people doubt this and the process and maybe some people trust it because these guys go,

it's Dopster, it's called.

I forget what it stands for.

They have to go through all these protocols with the Department of Defense in order to come out and say the information they're saying.

So they have to check.

They have to check with their superiors.

I'm going to say this.

I'm going to say this.

And then they're getting clearance to do so.

So a lot of people even think of that as disinformation and that's all a big scam, or that this is slow disclosure.

And they're like, hey, you've gotten this far.

Let's give you this little piece, this little morsel so that you don't ask the bigger questions, which comes down to like the consciousness aspect.

And like, there's a whole big, because Barbara actually kind of touches on it.

So Barbara's a guy who military, his cover was that he was a

mechanic in the, in the, uh, in the military, military mechanic, but that was just a cover because what he was doing was this, this, he was part of this retrieval program.

Sure.

And what he discussed was that he was put out in these jobs, and a lot of it was recovering.

They had a thing called the, the, uh, the field, which was where they would test out experimental craft.

And he's like, it's got to be so fucking fun to work in.

It's got to be insane.

He would go retrieve them when they crashed.

Oh, that's scary.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I want to be when you're like, hey, I think I can make this thing fly.

And you got a joystick and you go, whoa,

I want that.

I don't want a welcome to Earth bitch.

I don't want to fucking open that thing and it's like,

also why he's more believable because he's like, 90% of the stuff even you're seeing on these videos and stuff is might be us.

Like the anti-gravity, we have a lot of things you don't think we have, we have.

Well, isn't that what that whistleblower said that sent the email about the drones where he was like, this is technology that us and only us in China have?

And like China is displaying that they can fly it anywhere.

Yeah, but I don't, I don't think, because if a balloon got shot out of the sky, I don't see why these things wouldn't have just gotten, if we had it, I think what it was, the rumor about the drones that I heard was that they were searching for a nuke.

A nuke.

And we've had this, and that there's an old 4chan post where they discussed exactly what the nukes are.

They're like, what you're saying, UFOs, it's us.

We have these beyond advanced drones that have a base in the ocean.

And a lot of these things are above water also.

But they had FAA regulated lights.

Like, they were they were completely on the left every time i saw the drones i was like well it looks like they're trying to signify to other aircraft that they're in the air

they're really safe aliens yeah you go they go guys i don't feel comfortable going to earth unless we have at least four drinking lights is that

did you check the back light he goes it's out why are we freaking out we're more evolved than they are

it's called decency but that's i hate the way when people are mean to waiters

that's his version are you mean to draw guys?

You're kind of a dick.

Put the red light on the back.

They have their own podcast right now.

Oh, dude, I would love alien podcasts.

That'd be funny.

It was like Greg and Morty, where they did the cable, the alien cable.

They flipped the channels?

It was fantastic.

It's so good.

Because, yeah, there would be alien podcasts.

There's definitely, there's got to be.

It's just telepathic.

My favorite was Colin's joke where he was like, what if they are using us for entertainment and they're kind of lame and they come down here and they're like, awesome sauce.

He goes, yeah, we don't say that.

It's one of my favorite Colin jokes of all time.

He goes, oh, that's real awesome sauce.

Yeah, we're not saying that.

We're not saying that anymore.

Well, that's

one of the theories that is like that it's you know genetic manipulation of that where it's like an antharm theory is that that's why you've seen these things so i wouldn't be surprised at all if they were like hey we took some alien dna and mixed it with a monkey because we were bored bored as fuck or it was like an outpost where they're like i don't know go to earth yeah mess with them like mess with them for a little bit they're like guys

you might want to see this look who we did they learned how to make a gun

and you go yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck

oh my god i'm in so much trouble i didn't know monkeys were that vicious we're gonna get we're gonna get some alien so much trouble with his parents yeah he's like i was just fucking around till i created nuclear war and well dude because

The story that I'm fascinated by was Jimmy Carter witnessed an, with eight friends, witnessed a UFO.

When he was younger, yeah.

When he was younger.

mass sighting and then in 1976 when he won get right in i'm gonna learn everything there is and there's the story that he was debriefed and he was so sad because

the rumor is they revealed to him that all religion was made by the aliens in order to control us as some sort of ethical code but that immediately my brain goes wrong because all wars have been created by some sort of religion like religious beliefs have been the cause of so much bloodshed and violence.

That's a really good point.

That there, to me, does not seem.

That's the part of the alien getting in trouble where he's like, I created Judaism and Islam.

I really fucked up.

I fucked up.

I thought Christianity would be the answer, and I fucked up again.

I just want to give him random holidays.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wanted to give him a day off.

Everyone deserves a day off.

But now the three, you can't beat a three-day weekend.

Why is that bus going?

Oh, God, it blew up.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What have I done?

You get so grounded.

They they said third he was like what is it you're uh lucky three like the last one that he goes oh i thought the third religion i invented was gonna be the lucky one

jesus christ oh those buildings oh jesus christ i made him

That's like, you know, the rumor that Jesus was an alien.

That's why he did all the miracles.

Like, he's like a hybrid.

I never heard that.

Yeah, it's like, that's an ancient alien show.

Oh, that you called it a rumor.

You're like, I heard from Moses.

Page six style.

A certain history channel show.

Whistleblower magazine.

A certain history channel show is saying that Jesus Christ was a hybrid.

But it would be funny if he was.

And he was like, guys, check this out.

This freaks him out.

I'm walking on water.

And he's like, I'm just kidding.

Then gave a telephone later.

He's like, he's gone.

But you ever hear the theory about

I'm going to go back to Barbara, but you ever hear the thing about Jesus where when they don't know what he did from like 13 to 30 to 30 and they think that he was in India, like learning about Buddhism, and that's why Catholicism kind of resembles parts of Buddhism.

No way.

Yeah, it's an old theory.

That sounds like an Indian guy made that up.

That sounds like someone from India who created that.

You go, I was hanging out to Jesus.

He goes worry you, though.

Guy was a wider child.

16 and 17 years old.

14 to 33.

Guy was fucking nuts.

And you're like, I don't believe in this.

I mean, Jesus, traveling Jesus, how is that not a television show or a cartoon?

They must have done Kung Fu, but Jesus.

They probably did it, but it's like the worst production.

It's like one of those Christian

where they have the taped beard on.

Going my way.

And they go, ah, I don't know.

It's like they filmed it, obviously, in somebody's backyard with like a car going by.

Here in Nazareth, we like things a little bit different.

Why are these apostles wearing clothes from Kmart?

What's going on here?

I think that's old Navy.

So this whistleblower

actually said that there are even more legit.

So not only that, there are, what he's saying is this.

This guy, his cover was that he was a mechanic, but he really was, he was in charge of security and retrieval of these objects.

So he retrieved other objects that he knew were

man-made, were human-made by a U.S.

government, but they were on the field, like the testing field.

And there was a certain level of protocols that would happen.

It was like, it's like an everyday at work kind of thing, right?

But there's other, when the objects warrant us, everything changed.

The reaction of the bosses changed, the protocol of safety and security changed, and the objects themselves, the man that he looked at them, he was like, I know that's not us, just based off the experience.

So one of them was a USA flag on this one.

Yeah, exactly.

There was a Trump 2020.

Yeah, he goes, oh, this one doesn't have a Trump vance sticker on it.

It says, I don't break for fatties.

This one doesn't have

Calvin pissing on

a Chinese flag.

You go, oh, fuck.

Where's the Calvin pissing on the Chinese flag?

Where's the Yosemite Sam mud flag?

Where's the truck nuts on this UFO?

There's two balls swinging out of it.

So anyway, so he, so he was like, I'm part, so I knew that this stuff wasn't from us, and I was involved in retrieving it.

And on one occasion, he was retrieving like a 40 or 50 foot long egg-shaped thing with no exhaust, no wings, no nothing, just like the tic-tac was, if people know about the tic-tac.

And he said that he was 150 feet from this thing he was he has a video of one of the retrievals and it's a rope that comes down and very gently takes this thing attaches it to the helicopter and then they take it to whatever their secret location they're supposed to go up and like touch it no no they don't touch it dumbass would go up and like feel it for heat

it's still hot yeah you're like and then the capsule's like excuse me damn i'm like i don't know i wanted to know no they no whatever what happened that's funny you say that because what happened was he was so close to it he said he like bonded with this thing and had a reaction where he felt overwhelming happiness and sadness at the same time that it felt like his mother and that he it changed his life forever after the fact he's like coming home from that day at work she goes what's wrong it's all bullshit

i touched the tic tac i touched the tic tac and it's mom it's mom and i'm sad it's a womb it's a womb it's a womb and i was happy and i was sad what do you want from me I don't know.

Let's order fucking Chinese.

I don't know.

I can't think about what I want for dinner.

Don't you understand?

Nothing matters.

I had a life-altering experience at work today, and you want to to know if I want leftovers.

Why do we do this?

We want survivor.

I survived today.

He's also into Guidette's.

She's like, you want me so fucking particular.

Oh, Miss, you meet an alien.

And now you can't decide if you want to go to Vincenzo's today.

Not because you fucking married your roommate.

He's like, yeah, well, he wouldn't have given you all those cool alien jewelry that I gave you.

So he was 150 feet instead of the object.

And he caught feelings.

He caught feelings.

From the object.

He caught feelings.

And then had, just like.

He's like, damn, girl, why am I 150 feet away from you feeling like you're my mommy?

He comes to Color Me Bad video.

He's like,

damn, girl, I'm sitting here 150 feet away from you, wondering why you're making me happy and sad.

That's part of the

tiger beat.

It comes with a cassette tape of whistleblower RB songs.

Girl,

you crashed in the test site.

You making me happy and sad.

That's so funny.

Girl.

Ain't nothing wrong.

I don't see nothing wrong with a little test fly.

He's like, yeah, girl.

I'm just trying to wonder what dimension you're from.

Because you're breaking my heart, but also healing it.

So he was 150 feet away.

From the object.

He had a reaction to it where he was like, I was, I could tell I was, he was like, I was being,

he said possessed, but he was trying to say like filled up by the object.

He's like, I was definitely connecting with it.

He said, it changed my whole view of life.

And then immediately afterwards started having health effects from it.

He said that he had like really bad sunburn where his skin was lopping off.

He lost like acute alopecia where all the hairs in his body went off, which would be like...

consistent with like radiation sure reaction from radiation poisoning whatever it is but they never actually diagnosed it as that, I guess, for whatever reason.

But he went to the doctor for it.

They didn't know what you would call it, but they like treated him, treated him for it.

For radiation poisoning.

Basically.

And he was fucked up from this.

And it also, one of the big takeaways from the original congressional hearing is that the story about the guy from Rendlesham Forest in the 80, 1980, there was a thing in Rendlesham Forest in the U.K.

It was a joint UK-US military base.

And this guy touched an object, had poisoning.

And the government, John McCain, of all people, like we're talking about, got him.

John McCain got, this guy had all sorts of health problems for years because of touching the object and the radiation that came off of it.

And the U.S.

government gave him money for health insurance, you know, for health treatment, but wouldn't admit for the reason why.

Like, they were like, hey, these things don't exist, but we are going to prove the UFO-related radiation poison that you got.

Like, it's in the thing and everything.

But they're like, but then the other stance is, hey, they don't exist.

For years.

From like 1980, you know?

That's so crazy.

Isn't that crazy?

You kick the shit out of someone, then you give them money, and you go, I didn't beat you up.

That's exactly it.

Okay, you broke my jaw.

He goes, right?

I didn't break your jaw.

He goes, you broke my jaw.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

That's fucked up.

There's not...

I don't think humanity is smart enough for them to unveil what it is.

Because it would just completely debase everything that we have built in society.

Everyone would go, why am I going to work tomorrow?

Why am I even fucking trying?

That's what they're scared of happening.

I think if they, because they're, they're smart.

They know that that's what would happen.

They go, what are they going to pay taxes?

I mean,

it's ever so apathetic now.

It probably happened on a grand scale.

But the Jimmy Carter, I think, that happened, was he was pretty religious, I think.

Very religious.

Right.

So I think what it was, was what they told you is like, hey, yours is bullshit.

But kind of what it ends up being, because you really want to believe some of the theories, is that it's not.

extraterrestrial, that it's here.

It's always here.

It's omnipresent and it's consciousness based.

So a lot of people who see these things see them multiple times in their lives.

Some people don't.

So it's like the whole idea that consciousness goes beyond just to the person.

Which would make the most sense.

It would make the most sense in the world.

Why the fuck do we have dreams?

Exactly right.

And why, and why do sometimes dreams affect what happens?

People have lucid dreams.

Why is that?

You know,

there's a bunch of to try to understand.

We're...

too stupid to understand.

Absolutely.

I'm first in line on this.

And that's the best place to be.

If you take anything from this episode, is submit to your stupidity.

Submit to it.

Just go like, I'm too stupid to know what it is.

I feel like this world would be way better if everyone submitted to their stupidity and just admitted to their limitations and go like, used to more than they do now.

Well, now the internet makes you feel emboldened.

It makes you feel like I can say the thing that it's like, I'm dumb, dude.

That's why whenever I watch a comic try to say something smart, you go, you sound even dumber.

Because I thought we were all dumb on this.

I thought we had like an agreement on this.

I get excited, but I'm never smart.

No.

I've never been smart.

Same here.

I get very excited about stuff.

And it's very stupid.

You're right about the comic thing, too.

It's like, you don't think there's people who have studied their lives on this topic or are completely versed in the thing that you're just guessing at?

I understand you're giving me a hot take while you're in your fucking target parking lot in your car.

I understand it's emotional.

You make some good points.

It's ain't nothing that somebody hasn't thought of already.

But the thing that rings true to me is this idea that what if it is that consciousness is

almost like magnetic waves?

You have consciousness is all over and that it's it's it's it's it's because

the other thing is the telepathy tapes is the thing that came out.

It's a podcast that came out where they talk about like non-speaking autistic children being able to tell.

Dude, we're, Katie and I are just into this.

It's crazy.

They're starting to say that it's like it's

the parents of it, the parents of these kids are like,

they're like, it just is.

There's not like, it's this thing.

They're like, no, it just is.

Like, my kid can communicate with me via telepathy.

Okay, so that.

And they believe animals have a form of it.

Yeah.

I think dogs will start getting ready for you to come home when you're ready to come home because there's a bond.

I think that is this.

I think that is directly related to the UAP thing, the Jake Barber thing, all that.

I think it's all one

thing.

That's like, and that's why, like, when you have Tom DeLong of Blink.82 fame, where are you?

You're up flying.

I am so scared.

You aren't telepathy.

Well, you know, his whole thing, where he started to the Stars Academy and he was a big UFO guy.

I think it's shut down.

What do you mean?

Angels and Airwaves.

I went through him with Angels and Airwaves.

I'm back with Blink 182.

Yeah, he's fantastic.

But when he said is when he was right into, he said,

he's quoted as saying it's gods with a small G.

And on the telepathy, that's a great.

Yeah.

That's a great saying.

Yeah.

And he said, if I, one of the episodes, telepathy tapes, telepathy tapes, whatever, how you say,

one of the students, one of the autistic children, was like, oh,

the gods told me this.

This is like, and it just comes from this, whatever this consciousness is.

That to me is the most exciting thing.

So I think what these things are.

Tell me to write some new bits because I'm going on the road.

And

I got a telepathy a bunch of fucking shows.

You go to my show, I'm just going,

just sitting there.

I was like, ah,

like,

first,

right?

I go like that.

That's how I do the jokes.

You're just doing actuats?

I go.

Oh, you got her.

Bitches, be shocked.

That's all I'm saying.

You can't stop.

You can't stop a bitch's job.

That's always funny when you find out someone worked in comedy in a shitty way, and you're like, I don't think I like you now.

Yeah.

That would affect the way I watched The Sopranos if I knew he was a...

We're talking about Bobby Baklova.

A Vegas.

was a booker a Vegas booker and we're in

which is funny because some comics and Pimple tell you this they just come in here and start talking shit they just sit down and they're just like you know who I don't fucking like and I go like

you gotta go hey uh

we press precore I really feel like I've been in those situations but I know now that sometimes you do just go so it's like you know now you gotta be like a mafia member now you gotta be like wearing a fucking wire.

But I.

It's good to see you.

You're good.

You're good.

Hey, is that that van, that flower van with you outside?

It's just two guys sitting inside.

It's just that

Matt McCarthy guy from Comics Comic

listening.

Comedy Mafia.

It's just them and fucking.

What was that other?

What was the website when we were coming up?

It was punch-up.

No, it was Comics Comic.

And then it was...

um what was the one there was one from la wasn't there an la one bureau jake from the bureau yeah yeah yeah but then there was also like

gurian also gurian's always been around but then there was uh

something like punch up not punch up punch up is go to punch up live uh for all my life dates but it was called like

Fuck, I forget.

I used to check it every day.

Matt Ruby had one called Sandpaper Suit.

Yeah, that's still does his.

Does he still do it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he does.

Yeah, he gets very...

He's good at that stuff.

He's good at that.

But there was another one that was like a specific, it was almost like a news report.

It was kind of like a dump site for like, oh, fuck, man.

And it was New York-based?

Slapstick gut.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God.

You just had it.

It's like slap.

I know exactly what we're talking about.

You know what you're talking about?

I used to check that daily.

Yeah, I used to.

You should give comedy news.

So it would comics comic.

You would go to see who got Montreal.

You would go to, that would be always the issue.

Checking his reviews of just for laughs theComicsComic.com

filled me with so much spite.

Just in a windowless room in Queens being like, didn't even have a good five minutes.

Is that...

Is that a closet?

How long have you been out of the doorman game?

By the way, your glasses are a little fogged up.

I'll take them off.

I don't know if you...

I don't know.

I don't know if that's your look now.

No,

I guess I just run hot.

Yeah.

No,

when I used to wear glasses before I got LASIC, I would just steam up randomly.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I just.

You're Irish.

It'll happen also like while eating food.

And that's a bad look for a fat guy.

If not only are you fat eating wings,

all of your glasses are fucked up.

My mom's ex-boyfriend used to love spicy food and he would eat and he would be he was he had a cul-de-sac and he'd be like sweating and he would be like he would wipe his head at the restaurant and be like, yo.

Did you call it a cul-de-sac?

Yeah, he had the fucking cul-de-sac.

I just got a parking lot.

Yeah, you got a full blown.

you got a whole full thing.

You're next to a stadium.

You go, there's nothing but parking there.

Old Shea.

You go, you know, Shea used to be there.

And they knocked it down.

And now it builds City Field next to it.

Next to it.

And then now you can park on Sean's head.

But yeah, he used to wipe his head and I'd be like, oh.

It's gross.

I do the same.

thing.

How long have you been retired from the doorman game?

Long time.

I worked two and a half years, three years almost.

Did you work at a luxury building?

Yeah, it was pretty pretty luxury.

It was a middle-class building that was rentals that turned over to condos.

Like, it was built in the 80s.

It's like the biggest building on 89th Street.

It's like 89,

45 East 89th Street.

And it's 89th and what?

Madison.

And it's gigantic.

It's like 40 stories.

And it was like one of the most fun jobs.

You felt like you were like, it was like summer and you were in high school.

Like, there was the least amount of responsibility you had.

How much gossip?

Oh, my.

You knew everything about everybody in the building.

Even when they didn't know, you knew about it.

Do you know how many

I don't know total, but I would say there was probably, they're pretty large apartments.

So I'd say about six or seven per floor.

There's a sizable building.

It's like

it's such a big, it's the biggest building in the neighborhood that they didn't let any others get that big.

So we would just, it would just create a wind tunnel in the front of the building.

So we'd be there on like a windy night or like a semi-windy night, and old people would just go out and just

eat it.

Like

it's gone.

Just up four feet in the air.

Watch out, Mr.

Finkelstein.

The wind is bad today.

He's like, your doorman always is scaring me.

He's gone.

Mary Poppins.

That's so funny.

He just gets lifted up.

He's like, yeah.

Oh, dude.

Yeah.

It was like, it would happen all the time.

And we'd be like, we'd help, but we'd be like, how do you not know this already?

Did you,

this is my first doorman building.

So to get into the mind of the doorman, Did you hate anybody that lived there?

Yes.

Who is the worst?

There was

two.

Most, I would say 90% of the people were cool, right?

And 9% of the people just moved there because they liked the building.

10% of the people lived there because they wanted a boss around doormen.

And there was one guy.

I've been doing a joke about this for years because I don't write enough.

And

I got fired from the job.

I got fired from being a doorman.

And technically, it's for leaving the door open.

That really is, that's part of the joke.

That really is.

That's what the joke you're talking about.

That was real?

That's real.

The real thing.

So you left the door open.

So what we used to do is we'd prop the door open when it was nice out, and it'd be like nice and breezy.

Because it was like two regular doors and then a revolving door in the middle, right?

Yeah.

And it was so stupid.

So, you need to have to, they walked over to the regular door, you'd have to open that.

But we tried to encourage people to go to the revolving door, and then you would just go like this, like flip it with your hand.

But you weren't doing anything, you were just like standing next to a revolving door, right?

So, when it was summertime and it was nice, or like fully

speed moving, it was like the price is right.

I trap you in there.

They're like, I just want to go upstairs.

Just please let me go upstairs.

Sean goes, Nah, you're trapped, you You trapped.

Like a rat.

Here's an old lady fucking slamming on the glass.

I'm like, you're in my world now.

Ah, you gave me the power.

Never give people the power.

You and all your rich friends are right.

You never give people the power.

And they're like, ah!

That's our les miserab.

That's your revolution.

We had four of them.

Only four of them.

Stuck.

This worked.

But so what really happened was the guy, so these I'm, I'm, I just came back from my dinner break.

The doors are propped open.

Some dude comes down.

There's a party in the building going on.

It was like a calm night.

Some dude and two other guys have come down there laughing.

I thought they were drunk.

The guy comes over.

He goes, out of curiosity, why is the AC on and the doors are open?

And I go, I don't know.

I just got back from dinner.

It's the breeze.

And I just made up whatever.

And he goes, and he freaks out.

And it turned out it was the guy who like ran the company that owned the building.

So he called my boss's boss and got me fired from the doorman job.

So that's why I did the joke because I technically did get fired for having a door stay open.

But the ones that I don't...

Those are the kind of people

when someone walks up to you with fake, joyous energy,

and then they do some evil shit.

Yeah.

I truly hope those people die of heart attacks soon after they do that.

Yeah.

Because it is.

There was this guy when I weighed the tables at Dos Caminos.

Yeah.

Holiday season, very busy.

I think I've told this story story before on the bonfire but it fucking it's exactly this

the guy was with his mom and his kids this guy's whole family's there lunch it's lunch yeah guy comes over he goes hey uh i dropped the bill everything's fine i dropped the bill and he goes hey can you come here he's like um

it says can you bring me a kids menu and i was like uh what's up and he's like no no just bring me a kids menu oh jeez and i go is there is there a problem with the bill or something yeah he's like i just want to see a kids menu.

And I said, bring him a kids menu.

And then he's like,

I come over and he's like, it says here on the kids' menu that kids get free soft drinks, but here you charged me for their sprite and their color.

And I went, oh, that's, that's my bad, man.

Uh, I'll take that off the bill.

And he goes, no, I just want to know why you don't know the menu.

And I was like,

oh, my God.

That's pure evil.

I go,

Dodd, it's just a common mistake.

You know, I just messed up.

He goes, no, but it says here on the menu.

So I just want to know, like, why you don't know that.

And I was like, oh, I am,

I don't know.

I just like, it's just.

I am supremely hungover right now.

By the way, I'm not joking when I tell you this.

I think it was a Friday after cabin.

So I was.

Cabin Bar, for those of you that don't know, English is a second language.

Or Comedy is a second language.

Comedy is a second language.

That was the official name of the show.

Comedy is a second language was the show Thursday nights at,

Cabin Bar.

Yeah.

On 5th and 2nd.

Yep.

And Sean Patton, it was like one of the best shows in the city.

And then every Thursday, you would watch Sean Patton close with like a new 15.

That was just like better than anything anybody else was doing.

And it was off the top of his head.

It was like half off the top.

That's when I saw him tell the story about walking the dog for the first time.

Yeah.

The first time he talked about his brother listening to corn while doing surgery because his brother was like a heart surgeon.

Like bits that I was like, these are like some of the best bits but it was three dollar pbrs

five dollar jamesons i'm gonna two dollar pbrs it was two dollar pbrs we're talking 2008 2006 2006 to like 2016 yeah this show ran yep maybe a little longer i might have the dates wrong and it was like shangri-laugh for comedy it was like it was like every scene it was when it was more separated so every scene was

very separated yeah what's crazy is right now in comedy and i know we're talking about comedy he He doesn't have the fucking dog collar.

And people just make comments about it.

But he gets after like comedy talk again.

Fuck you.

This is fun.

I want to talk about this specific time period.

This specific time period was great because it was, you know, people now go like, it's pretty obvious who's grifting to the right.

But back then, you didn't know who was drifting to the left.

And a lot of people were drifting to the left.

Yes.

Primarily in the alt scene, they were going like,

oh, we don't we don't want like white dudes.

Yes.

It was like that was starting.

It was kind of there.

Where they were like,

you're kind of clean cut in a white guy.

I don't think we can have you on your show.

Can you get a lazy eye in Coke bottle glasses?

And maybe we'll bring you back.

And then now they're going like, where did all this fascism come from?

I don't know.

Maybe you should have booked some white dudes on your library show in fucking Williamsburg in 2014.

You showed videology.

Yes, some of us are still holding on.

Instead of you doing a fucking fucking slideshow, you should have had us do six minutes about dating on Facebook.

But you remember there was also a thing where, and it was political without being political.

You're right about the left, but their bits weren't like, they weren't obviously political.

Well, no, now the right-wingers are so retarded, they just go up there and they go, like, deport all the Mexicans.

And everyone goes,

They were a little, they were a little, they were a little.

It was slick about it.

They were slick about it where they'd be like, I'm sorry, are you cisgendered?

And you're like, I don't even know what that means.

Is that bad?

Is this bad?

You're mad at me.

Anyways, the point is cabin, specifically comedy as a second language, brought everyone together.

You had comic strip comics, seller comics, alt comics, people that were like from out of town, L.A.

people.

Black show comics, everything.

Everybody.

Yeah.

Everybody was at Cabin Bar on Thursday night.

That show could sit maybe 25 people in the room, 30 people.

Yeah, it was like perfect room for comic.

It was like so intimate.

You would get fucking Aziz.

You would get Louie.

You'd get Chris Rock.

you'd get like Hannibal was just getting starting to really pop off.

Yep, people would come by and do this show.

The bartender was a cunt.

He got kicked out of there for two months.

Michael Ch got banned from the show

because he got into a fight with the bartender.

Michael Che literally was not allowed back at Cabin because we were drinking and they got into it.

It was great.

I got into a fist fight there and got banned for two months.

It was crazy.

Like this place was the old west.

It was like truly a dive.

And it was truly when people hung out.

And the regulars

loved the drink special, hated us.

This is dive bar.

And it would be packed to the gills on Thursday.

You fucking could not make it through.

I mean, I'm talking about from the front door of the bar, it's an Asian restaurant now, all the way to the back.

You had to be like, excuse me, excuse me, but you're also stopping.

Dude, I got so drunk there one night.

I told Nick Vaderod I loved his Comedy Central Presents, and it hadn't came out yet.

That was the last time I really tried Hollywood.

I think that was my honest last attempt.

If everyone goes, Why isn't Soder's career farther along?

That was when I realized I could not Hollywood.

That was 15 years ago.

That was 15 years ago.

I went, I love this.

I was hammered.

Other specialists, like, it's not out of it.

And I go,

oh, yeah, which is going to be great.

She'll be like, I got a snake peek.

Snake peek.

They gave me a snake peek.

I edited it.

I guess.

I edited it.

I edited it.

I edited it.

I edited it.

So you did the joke about Indiana Jones.

I edited it.

But you would just get blackout drunk.

I would get beyond fucked up.

Rebecca Trent,

the saintly owner of Creek in the Cave, of both Creek in the Cave Queens and in Austin.

Yes.

She started taking over booking after a while.

Yes.

And then Rebecca, I remember this moment specifically.

She was like, hey, anniversary show, I have you going on at like 1.50 in the morning because it started at 8 and it went till 4 in the morning because everyone, everyone in the scene was going up on the anniversary show.

It was like the 10th or 11th anniversary.

And I go, and it was true.

I was like, can I go early?

I have to set up cafe at 10 in the morning.

And she was like, all right, I'll put you on at like 10.45.

And I was like, sick.

I did my spot and then I drank there till four in the morning.

And she was like, what are you still doing here?

And I was like, I'll tell you what, someone's going to be a bad waiter tomorrow.

And I woke up.

I woke up the next day, but I would go into work hungover, like crazy hungover.

You know what it was?

The dog got me so hardcore when I first walked in.

I just, it was magical.

And I just, all my responsibilities went out of my head.

How great.

How great of a dog is she?

Fantastic dog.

She's a great dog.

I love her very much.

So jealous.

Yeah, I know.

You really want a dog.

I'm a big dog, guys.

She's great.

I was mad at her last night, and I'll tell you why.

I went to Big J's Super Bowl party.

Okay.

He must have been losing his mind.

Oh, it was great.

Him, Vecchione.

I'm happy for all my friends from Philly.

It was a good win, and fuck the Chiefs forever.

Yes.

But he had a giant bowl of candy.

You know, he had a great spread, but it was like in the middle.

It was like little chocolate footballs and Snickers and shit.

Yeah.

So

they had sandwiches.

That actual, Jay drove down to Philly and got a bunch of hoagies, cheese steaks, and broccoli raw, like all these awesome.

Oh, my God.

Like, dude, crazy.

That's nuts.

And then drove, he went down to Philly and drove back up.

So he had like actual Philly cheesesteaks for the Super Bowl.

Where'd he get him from?

Do you not remember?

A place that he knows.

Okay, okay.

It's not Gino's.

It's not that.

It's not even Jim's.

It's like something else.

Yeah, you ask.

Jim's on South Street.

It's good.

It's great.

It's like out of all those, Jim's is my favorite.

Which I know people are like, you're not even getting a cheesesteak.

You're getting a hoagie.

I got it.

Yeah.

Whatever Jay had.

Whatever Jay had was fucking phenomenal.

So he gave us three sandwiches to go.

Everyone, he's like god we got too many sandwiches take some to go so i had a bag and then i was ripped so i i was so stoned i was just taking handfuls of those or those chocolates like chocolate footballs or whatever and then i forgot i had them and last night oh no i'm playing video games and i'm high and i'm like like i eat chocolate so i just was sitting here peeling little chocolate footballs and i had a pile they're all gone i ate them all uh a pile of chocolate wrappers on one of these tables on this couch yeah literally on this couch and i I was like, getting sleepy.

And I was like, you know what?

I don't want to go to bed yet.

So I just tossed on YouTube and I fell asleep.

And then Katie was going to bed and she's like, are you sleeping on the couch?

And I woke up and Myrtle was sitting there.

And there was like snicker wrappers everywhere.

And Katie was like, no, no, no.

And I go, no, I ate them.

But then I was mad at Myrtle.

She didn't want to leave her kennel.

And then I fall asleep and she's on here like,

yoinking them off the fucking thing.

So we were in a thing up until this afternoon.

She's Marge Simpsoning.

I was so mad about it.

I was like, you fucking wouldn't hang out with me.

And now you eat my chocolate wrappers.

Was that Dan logic or high Dan logic?

Was that?

You were still high and you were like, wouldn't you want to hang out with me?

Yeah.

But then I carried it into this morning.

When I woke up, I was like, I remember that.

Still upset about it.

You remember your betrayal?

Yeah.

So her and I have been hot and cold all day.

Oh, boy.

She's a great dog.

Oh, dogs are the best thing in the world.

But Cabin Bar was just like an unbelievable slice of New York City comedy when it happened.

And real quick, I think that it, I don't think it, two things.

One is I don't think it happens anymore.

I don't think it's just because I'm older.

I think it just doesn't really happen as much.

Maybe certain clubs and certain things.

Probably Austin might be the only scene that has.

They have a hang.

They have a hang.

Well, they're all like, it's small enough that they can hang.

Is all spread out?

And here it's all fractured now.

It's like either New York Comedy club or the cellar or the stand you're like going to different places it's kind of a bummer but that holiday party that i was waiting on i absolutely was cabin hungover so when that guy was like can i let me see your menus and so what i did was i went back and i had my manager take off all the desserts all the soft drinks i overdid it good good for you and then i went and i was like i felt so bad about that i took it out of my own money and i took it good for you

i really laid it on and i was like oh i'm so sorry i I can't believe I messed up that bad.

I'm really, really sorry.

I'm so sorry.

To that, like, he got that I was being facetious.

Like, he got, like, I was like, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I am so sorry.

That's the best thing to do.

I don't know how I could have made that mistake.

Was everybody getting it or just he was getting it?

Like, like...

His wife looked at me at one point, like, come on, dude.

Yeah.

But, well, fuck your husband.

He's an asshole.

That wasn't the end.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

So we were

like,

the restaurant's gone now, but there there used to be when you'd walk in, there was a bar and you had to walk past the bar to get to like the upstairs seating, not the downstairs seating.

And so I would always chill at the bar talking to my friend, either Dan or Carlos, Los, whoever was bartending.

That's what you do when you wait tables.

You fucking watch ESPN and talk shit.

Yeah.

So we're just like chilling there.

He's paid his bill.

I'm just hanging out.

This motherfucker walks up to me as his family's leaving and he goes, hey, I was down in Philadelphia at a diner and I ordered a cup of soup.

And my friend ordered a bowl of soup.

And I said, real quick,

can you bring me an empty bowl?

Bring a bowl like his, but bring it empty.

And I took my cup of soup and I poured it into the bowl.

Same size.

And he was telling me this, like he thought I was going to be like, whoa, mind-blowing.

You're the man.

I suck your dick.

You're the fucking man.

You're beating the system.

I go, oh, so you're just like a dick.

Is that what you said though?

Yeah.

Like I said it quietly, but to the point that my manager christy was like you go downstairs like go downstairs because she thought i'd say shit sometimes that my my managers bailed my ass out that's they would be like because no one wanted to work lunches and all i did was work lunches the the person you're not wrong about the evil thing that you said the person that exerts the littlest amount of power in the world that treats waitstaff like shit is

might be it's beyond evil it's it's it's like it's what i don't know what's going on in in your life but you almost don't care you know you're like something's going on with that guy with other stuff hey somebody blows up on the subway i hate when like you know there there's a thing of like i understand wanting to expose corruption when it's like senators or congressmen or ceos or lawyers or cops or people with actual power but when you're exposing

like my example is free soft drinks it's like when you're mean to flight attendants you're like they carry no power so why are you and i remember i was flying from denver to new york uh frontier airlines oof uh which i used to love um

i did sun country once and it was terrible yeah but the lady uh this like long island like crazy long island lady she was like oh my god i've got my daughter's purse i gotta get my daughter her purse and the lady goes miss you are not allowed to leave the airplane.

You've boarded the airplane.

As we're boarding, I can't.

And she goes, okay, well,

give her the purse for me.

And she goes, I can't do that.

Oh, she had her daughter's boarding pass.

And she goes, I have my daughter's boarding pass.

And she goes, okay, well, your daughter just needs to, she's like on the phone with her.

And she's like, your daughter just needs to go to the gate.

And if she has an ID, they can just print one out.

Absolutely.

Easy fix.

Easy fix.

This woman this adult didn't get it fucking

would not stop and she was sitting next to me and i'm like sitting there and i'm like i'm like doing i'm in the aisle and i'm like doing you know when you're like trying to

trying to grow away from it yeah yeah yeah

look i'm i'm growing towards the sun

and she is like being a

and she was like now what's your name what's your name you can't do this and she goes it's federal law oh she goes go give her it then.

If I can't leave, you go give her it.

She goes, I am, due to federal law, I cannot leave the airplane.

I am a flight attendant.

I cannot leave the airplane.

And this was like a standoff.

Like people are waiting to board.

And she's like, no, I need to give my daughter her boarding pass.

And she's like, they can print it out at the gate.

I promise you they can print it out.

To the point that other, I'm going like, hey, they can print it out.

She can print it out.

Like, you're getting involved.

Yeah, I'm going like.

She's like, enough.

I can't take the tension.

And she's like, you see how she's treating me?

I go, she's treating you.

It's just like, you got to understand there's rules.

I'm doing that thing where I'm trying to be.

So squash it.

And, dog, if you, if you know me, you know, I just want everyone to be happy.

I'm not.

I'm a fellow people, pleaser.

I want everyone to be cool.

I want to eat my little bag of nuts and watch my TV and I just want to go home.

So I'm like,

yeah.

And I'm doing the thing where I go, I know it's a stupid rule, but like, she could print it out.

This lady's like

the whole flight, motherfucking this lady.

The whole flight what's your name what's your name the whole beyond it beyond the whole flight oh my god what's in it i i fly frontier a lot and i'm gonna tell them that you were very rude to me that you wouldn't let my family on the plane she's like making shit up yeah and um to the point that i'm like this is like

i'm in front of her as i'm leaving and i go that was fucking bullshit to the flight attendant and she goes thank you like people are apologizing for this lady and are you half saying it loud to be so hopefully that she hears you behind i think that's it yeah i think that's it

and then i go down to the baggage carousel and i'm waiting and i'm waiting and i'm waiting and fucking

long island and her family show up and the husband's picking her up with her kids.

And she goes, you have no idea.

They wouldn't let her on the plane they said um they said it was illegal if i tried to give her her boarding pass she's like making stuff up and i'm like waiting for my bag and i'm hearing her just completely lie yeah completely lie and i just get my bag and it used to be back in the day when you had to show people your ticket to get out of it so i have my ticket and i'm leaving and as i walk by i stop i go hey just to let you know i sat next to your wife on that plane None of that happened.

None of that happened like that.

I go, she's a monster.

And And then I, and as I'm doing, it's like the closest I've ever came to smoking a cigarette and flicking it behind me because the guy goes, excuse me?

Excuse me?

And she goes, that way, excuse me.

It's just a bunch of excuse me.

And I fucking, I had my ticket ready.

I got out of there.

And I got through the gate, went right to the cab stand.

I was like, I'm not even looking, but I'm not engaging.

But I had to say something.

I was like, she was a monster.

And in his face, I think he knew because he looked at me.

He didn't react like, yo, what the fuck you talking about, my wife?

He was like,

I watched him long enough that he went like,

man, that is something this bitch would do.

Like, you saw in his head, he's like, she's a yappy bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they started firing.

But he's Long Island, so he has to go.

In his head, he's going, it's like, you can see the wheels turning.

You're right, but fuck, she's right.

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Well, then she was the one that started it, and then he followed.

But what are you going to to fight me in front of your kids?

Long Island?

Yeah.

Long Island is a...

I had a winter coat on with my height.

You don't know I'm a Ganglosaurus Rex.

Yeah, but you can.

But with the coat on,

I might be able to be a big boy.

Also, the booming voice has people a little more afraid.

Yes.

And

I'm from Long Island, if people don't know.

And it's everything.

Like, I have a complicated relationship with it because it's everything that Seinfeld says from comedians.

That's the scene where he goes, you're looking at an audience of everything you were afraid to become.

Everything you're afraid to become, and you are, no, you're part of it at the same time.

Yes, that's exactly right.

I see that's how I feel with parts of Aurora.

When I go back to Aurora, Colorado, and you see a guy being like, Yeah, what's up?

He's in like Jankos, and he's like, What's up, dog?

This is my fucking piece.

He's like, I'm over there in the cricket store, dude.

I'm fucking doing with it.

And I'm just like, fuck this shit, bro.

Oh, Drump's the fucking man.

I got my Trump coin.

And you're like, you are so poor and you're trading crypto.

And you're like, just ripping vapes.

Yeah, I even got my drum beef.

I had my drum hamburger.

I'm not fucking fired from Little Caesars because they're fucking woke.

And you're like, you're not even using that correctly.

They're like, yeah, I fucking woke mind virus.

Got fucking little Caesars.

Said I was fucking stealing out the cash register.

So I guess I'm fucking

whatever manny longs gonna fucking fix all this shit, bro.

And you're like, you are really dumb.

But I know I'm also part of that.

I know that's part of me.

Oh, I love the case.

Because I would absolutely love to rip resin with that guy.

I weirdly get it.

And I'm like, this is why I left.

And I didn't go too far, but I left.

And then after shows, I'll go back and do Governor's.

I'm like, I have a crush on 15 women in this.

Any Guidette, any Guidettes?

Oh, why?

Holy shit.

Just an over mean Guidette.

You guys, trashy Italians.

You're not heavy cans.

If you're a trashy Italian with giant bits,

you'll be up, by the way.

I'm engaged with the love of my life.

I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I'm still attracted to other women.

Of course, and I would say heavy-chested mean guides.

I wrote a lot.

You're like, what the fuck are you looking at?

And you're like, you're giant tape bits.

Why are you so mean?

Why are you so mean, bitch?

Dude, you've never met a more entitled group of people who have, who have the population, lives down the block from the center of the universe and has never gone.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you have people that live on Long Island that have never gone to Manhattan and they live an hour from it.

It's like insane.

I was at Maguire's once.

It was actually I go to the clubs and they're fun.

But the people I'm like I do well there because I'm like I know what you are.

I know I'm part of you.

The best one is I used to bring Veter to open for me at Maguire's on Islip just to punish him?

Because you know they're gonna no no Veter is amazing but because Long Island he's also from Long Island.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that.

You motherfuckers, I used to, by the way, at Maguire's, it was Tim Dillon and Gary Veter were the two guys I would bring with me to open for me because the only way to beat Long Island is to use Long Island.

And so, like, I swear to God, I would bring like someone else from the city and they would just talk during their set.

But Veter, his jokes are phenomenal.

For some reason, he gets them, right?

And they listen.

But what I'm trying to say is low energy.

That's what I'm not saying.

He is a brilliant joke writer.

He's fantastic.

But he's low energy.

He's going to be like this.

Wait, hold up.

What does he say?

And then they're like, that's funny.

That's, dude.

I remember bombing at Maguire's and ladies leaving.

This is when when i didn't have like in the audience i was doing like you know what dude in opi and anthony okay but like the audience would leave and it'd be like these long island ladies and they'd be like do you know michael scatatora he's my friend's son and he does caroline sometimes and you go i i don't know him and she goes look for him

and friends with his mother and i'm like i don't none of you mean anything dude i was there at maguire's once it's i'm i'm cooking like i like i can i can kill there.

It really can do well there.

Not everywhere, but there I can.

And I'm killing.

This sums up Long Island.

I'm murdering, and then I'm super confident for that fact.

And this lady's just having a full conversation with her friend.

And I go, hey, and I'm like, I have total carte blanche to do whatever I want.

So I go, hey,

I'm killing here.

I go, I'm killing.

She goes, you're doing great.

Keep going.

And she goes back to talking to her friend.

That sums up the entitlement.

Long Island, they will have, and I'm just telling this for the other comedians that might be watching this YouTube,

this podcast or listening to it, and you've never been to the East Coast, they will have full-on fucking conversations and not think it's rude.

No.

They don't think they're being rude.

Sometimes drunk people talk to the table because they're trying to be disrespectful in different cities.

Long Island, they'll just talk like you're a TV show and they're just in the living room with their friends.

You're there for them.

Yes.

You're their employee for the night.

Sometimes it's not.

But the minute, the weird thing is, it's almost like getting not beaten into a gang.

What would you call it?

It's like the minute that you kind of smack them in the face,

they get put in their place.

It's those fucking big titted greetings.

They're like, what's wrong with you?

What's fucking wrong with you?

Just

a Danielle or a Michelle.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You can't beat it.

Yeah.

That's the role play me and Katie do.

Because she went to Hostra.

She did.

She really did.

She went to Hostra.

She was rolled to Hostra.

She went to Hostra sweatshirt.

She gets a win.

What are you doing, Queen?

And I go, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I'm going to come in my pants.

She's like, what are you doing, you fucking loser?

I'm like...

Is that what I am?

Am I okay?

Says the talk it.

Says the talk it.

Oh, my God.

We're going out to Ron Conkomo.

And I go, I'm going to fucking come.

What, you never been to Ron Conkomo on the weekend?

You're like, I'm fucking losing it.

I sucked a guy off on the L-I-R-R.

I'm like, oh, I'll fucking go.

Oh, fuck.

I'm coming.

Yeah.

Well, I think we found our role play for the next five years.

Until that fucking tool tag works.

This will work.

Let's do it.

I'm going to tell you.

Let's do every calendar.

It really is like...

Guidettes from Long Island like that and hot

brunettes from Texas.

Yeah.

I'm just telling you the two that for some reason la girls never have done it for me no florida girls scare me they're like fucking dangerous creatures i never tested from florida the south southern girls i don't feel like i could fake it enough midwestern ones i can get into that accent i got my heartbroken by a girl from oh in college she had a crazy accent usually they're kind of east coasty no this was she was from Akron, I think.

And I was, it was, she was in the right.

I had a massive crush on her.

I just kept asking her out.

And finally, at the end of the semester, she goes, Dan, I have a boyfriend.

And it fucking, it just fucking crushed me.

And so then now.

Oh, bless your heart, Dan.

I'm like, get the fuck out of here, bitch.

You had your shot.

No, but that's why I don't know why.

But Texas brunettes, because you're just like down in like Dallas or Austin, and you're like, what the fuck?

They're like hardy, right?

Aren't they like, they're like kind of like, you know, right?

They're thicker, but they're just like, they're tan with the brunette.

Yeah.

And then Long Island Guidettes.

You can't, and some of that, you know, it spills over into Queens.

But I met this girl when I went to, I went to Manhattan College, and I was in orientation.

I fell in love with this girl.

I was like, full-on, full-on Guidette.

Just hoops, hoops for days.

Just everything, everything about that.

Tell you the starting O-line for the Jets.

Honestly, I don't know.

She knows.

Bricashaw Ferguson's not joining what he should.

And you go, that's right.

That's absolutely right how are you that accurate how did you know that she knows all the stores that close at Roosevelt Field

you still go during the pandemic oh my gosh

I don't believe in it

I love that

I don't trust the government

she's like except my dad who's the corp well that's that's the most interesting part is like you guys are so close to this city when the first not to get I know we don't read politics but like when the first Trump thing happened the amount of I went back to my hometown and it was just 30 minutes from Manhattan, and I saw 15 Trump hats immediately.

I was so shocked.

I mean, people, there was a great joke that Shane had back in the day when Trump won the first time, where he was like, you guys were pretty confident until you went outside the city.

He's like, liberals were real cocky until they went out.

But it was true.

My grandmother lived

north of San Francisco in Lake County, which is very red.

It's a very Republican area.

In 08, I remember being here.

Nothing but Obama.

Right.

Like, to the point, if you lived in New York City,

you understand the reason everyone was cocky about Hillary in 2016?

Because in 08, when Obama won, you're like, oh, well, no one seems to be voting for John McCain.

And then I visited my grandma and I was like, oh, no one here is voting for Obama.

Like north of San Francisco, probably like 30 minutes north, like north of Santa Rosa, it was just like McCain Palin.

That's all it was.

Yeah.

And we're just seeing that and you don't even realize it.

We don't, we have no idea what's going on.

Yeah, you just think a liberal hub.

You just think wine country.

That's what I think outside San Francisco.

You also think San Francisco is like super.

Oh my God,

what's that?

What's your glass of juices pronoun?

And you're like, I don't really know.

I mean, it is.

What sucks is what's funny about having family from San Francisco, because my grandma was a Republican.

My dad was a Republican, I think.

But that's, you kind of nailed it.

My dad, he wasn't, but he also, I don't know if he was Democrat either because because he didn't know.

Like, he didn't know.

I knew everyone hated Pelosi.

I knew everyone in my family.

And with, you know, good cause.

She's had a lot of long history.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of money.

Like, they like, they'd bring her up.

They'd be like, fuck Pelosi.

Yeah, you're pretty progressive, but.

And fuck that lady.

I can get on board with.

Somebody because you can't be on that side that says that you're for the middle class.

And then the middle class is like, no, you're not.

And you're in on it.

That's why people hate Hillary Clinton as well.

It's like, I could see that.

She was like an HR lady.

Like that she came off like yeah she came off she goes so we're gonna have pizza party

this bitch she's like i have hot sauce in my pocketbook oh my god i take this everywhere and you're like shut up so you kind of get you get that and you need like we were cheated we need like a five or six party system we do we need like england how does england have four five yeah like sweden's got that kind of where you need like you need six motherfuckers running at once so that someone can go like i like that guy's idea and he goes i just got good ideas he just runs on like I just got good ideas.

This is all I got.

And he mentioned like 200,000 votes.

Yeah, you're like, oh,

but I just feel like the two choices has sucked my whole life.

Yeah, it's done.

You can see what happened.

It's not good.

It's done.

Yeah.

And then everyone's like, what are we going to go?

Kingdom?

Oh, shit.

But Burb Bros.

Yes, Burbs Bros with Dan St.

Germain.

You're very good, buddy.

Dan St.

Germain.

I love Dan Street.

Maniac McGee himself.

Wet dog, dog.

He comes in the room like a wet dog, always.

You go, dude,

he gets comfortable.

And you go, so cute, though.

He's the man.

I fucking love him.

Pat him in the back of the head.

He's one of my best friends.

He's fantastic.

You two are fucking phenomenal.

You have a podcast, Burr Bros.

Download it.

Subscribe.

Yes, please.

You subscribe to the YouTube.

We're almost at 1,000.

We need 1,000.

Subscribe.

We saw it a couple months ago.

Yeah, so please, please, please check out Burr's Bros.

We've been talking about this stuff a lot.

If you like the UFO stuff, I love it, dude.

I get locked up with Sean all the time.

It's the best.

Yeah, it's the absolute best.

But yeah, but thank you so much for having me, man.

I really appreciate it.

This is one of the easiest.

I looked and I was like, oh, you have to go pick up your girlfriend's son.

Fucking 310.

Oh, yeah.

And I was like, I looked over, I was like, oh, fuck.

We got to get out of it.

I could have talked aliens for at least six hours.

Oh, I could do the same thing.

Oh, well, I might have to come on Bird Bros.

Please do.

We'll have to fucking have you.

We'd love to have you, yeah.

Pick it back up.

You know what?

We're waiting until we get more people.

That's really cool.

You know, that's really what we're talking about.

You bring me so I can bring something.

I know.

That's what I said.

But Dan gets, you know, Dan gets nervous.

Dan and I are fucking writing partners.

I get 17 texts from him a day.

He's like, I don't know, man.

I feel like, yeah, stuff's just going bad.

Well, has he done this to you yet?

And he goes, I don't know.

This new show doesn't get sold.

I'll probably just go to nursing school.

I've been dealing with, by the way.

Don't do it, Dan.

For the sake of all sick people, don't do it.

Welcome to the club.

I've been dealing with the nursing school thing since the epidemic.

No, no, I know.

He told me.

He goes, At one point, he called me, he goes, hey, man, Stone Cold stops calling us back.

I'm just going to become a mechanic.

That's what it was.

It was first it was a mechanic, and then it was nerd, then it was nursing school.

Stop.

And it's like, that will never happen.

Just do what you do.

But I'm like, I'm the schmuck.

Like you said before, the people pleaser thing.

I'm like, yeah, all right, cool, man.

I'm like,

meet you.

I go, you want me to buy you some smocks?

You need OR scrubs?

You want some sketchers?

Yeah.

You got to get something that's good to stand on.

You want to be on your feet?

Yeah, you have Crocs yet?

I bought you some WWE Crocs.

He goes, oh man, I like it.

They didn't have Jey Uso.

They only had Jimmy Uso.

I was hoping I'd get travel chiefs.

Real deep cut with the drugs.

Oh, God, I want to go read about all this alien shit now.

Oh, let's talk about it again.

If you can come do it, come do it.

Yeah,

we'd love that.

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