53: 6th Grade Spitballs with Paul Virzi | Soder Podcast | EP 53

Tampa, Florida.

I hope you're okay after the hurricane.

We're coming down there in November, November 15th, excuse me, November 14th through the 16th.

I will be at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa.

I hope you're all right.

And if everything's okay, come on out and we'll have a laugh.

Danceodor.com.

That's where you find me.

I'm trying new catchphrases.

Does this work?

That's where you'll find me.

I think that sucks.

Bourdain was like this is how you make a burger and I was like oh I randomly walked into like the greatest burger spot it's called uh I mean you should absolutely go to Sam's was it nuts it's still open if you're in San Francisco go to Sam's Burgers all right yeah

if we're recording definitely keep that in Sam's Burgers you give me no money but god fucking damn it are you delicious isn't it the best when you stumble upon a gym that's how that's what it was I was walking up Broadway downtown San Francisco like after a show at the punchline, looking for places to eat.

And I was like, oh, it is a little greasy spoon.

I went in, fucking rocked my shit.

Big J, pretty tough to win over.

You know, he's from Philly.

They know like fried and grilled food better than anybody.

Yeah.

And I was like, this burger's awesome.

And he was like, we'll see.

And he ate it.

And he was like, this shit's unbelievable.

And I was like, all right.

You get someone from Philly.

It's like getting someone from New York to say it's a good slice of pizza.

Yes.

Yeah.

A sandwich from Philly is like, people are like.

And an Italian kid from New York, if he eats sauce.

Yes.

He knows.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like when you have a friend who's Chinese and they can tell you like, you know what's another one?

Stavros.

Stavros.

Yeah.

I lived in Astoria and I tried to get all these Greek people.

Great food in Astoria, dude.

Great food.

But then Stavros was like.

BZ Grill.

Shout out BZ Grill.

I'm just plugging all my favorite spots.

But BZ Grill in Astoria, Stavros was like, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

You got to go.

And like, a Greek person tells you that about Greek.

Greek, and then we went and he ordered in Greek.

One of the best dining experiences I've ever had.

No, Greek food is when a Greek food is right.

You know what's the funniest, though, is when you tell somebody a place is good and you watch them bite and you could tell that they're like,

like, you know, that they want to be nice.

Yeah.

You're like,

you know what?

That's the equivalent.

That's like when you put a movie, your favorite, a favorite comedy on for like a wife or a girlfriend and you're like watching them watch it and you're like,

dude, yeah.

Or like a friend?

How good is that?

It's funny you said said that because my um my older brother's married now yeah his ex-girlfriend the one he was with before his wife uh didn't like magruber and i said to him i go i go dude he goes i'm he goes i saw it this because me and him saw it and we're crying we're punching each other i mean it dude the scene with kristen wigg in the bank where she drops with the gunfire oh my gosh still makes me laugh out loud every time i see dude when he was like fucking the ghost of his of it dude i'm gonna shoot i'm gonna shoot and he's just like by himself and and i'm like so me and christian my me and my brother christian we're in the theater crying punching each other so he's like i took her because i was excited and he's like she didn't get it and i was like dude

no man she was she like i went borderline say not only did she not get it she didn't like it that's

and you're a grouper dude and that's also a thing where if you being on the other side of that you have to have enough self-awareness to go like i understand where this is failed you know you have to be like when you see someone love something and you don't like it you have to go, this is a distance.

This is the way.

Can we cover this distance?

Yeah.

No, that's just.

Because some people you can go around and find a bunch of other shit and sometimes there'll be things that you don't like.

I'm sure there's stuff your wife doesn't like that you love.

Of course.

Well, you know what?

If it's real caring for each other, you go, listen, I know why you like it.

It's just not my thing.

That's

acceptable.

It's acceptable, and it's like, that's why I kind of like you.

I actually like you because of that, because you understand my silliness.

It's just not your thing.

But if you're like, I don't get it, like, that was dumb.

It's like, no, it's gone.

That's, that is a, that's a, a bridge too far.

You're like, I can't.

You know what's even funnier is if he's actually talking to his therapist and he's like, things fell apart.

And he's like, why?

And he's like, you know, I took her to Magruber.

Yeah.

But if there was a good therapist, they go, if it's that important to you, because Magruber rules.

I bet there was Val Kilmer in that.

I mean, all of that.

Val Kilmer was so funny in that.

I mean, the entire, the movie McGruber, it is one of those things, I think for a movie to get to where Magruber is,

because I think it failed in theaters.

No, it did fail.

And then I think it got a little cult following afterwards.

Those are always the best.

That's the best.

Old school that happened.

None of them are like.

Burks was a disaster for like, and then all of a sudden it's...

Yeah, Maul Rats 2.

I think a lot of the movies, I think we expect them to do well, but you're like, no, you don't want that.

Right.

Because most people are dumb.

But we're also silly.

So like we're in a world of like how crazy and bizarre and silly.

I don't know.

I think McGruber crossed.

I think that's just like for more than comics.

I think anybody that likes silly shit.

I always like Will Forte too.

He's unbelievable.

He's the fucking best.

Have you ever seen him give

his speech at Seth Myers' wedding?

No.

It's like in a character.

It's we'll find, we got to find the clip and then like edit it in.

But he's wearing like a blonde wig and like leather gloves.

Oh, God.

And he's just talking sexually about Seth Myers' wife, but it's so silly that you're like.

Like everyone's just dying laughing.

Will Forte fucking rules.

Dude, remember his, he was the insurance company's receptionist.

So he did, so SNL, one of his, like, one of his sketches that was a repeat on SNL was he played the receptionist at an insurance firm.

Yeah, he would answer and he would just go, and he would go, oh, no.

I don't remember that sketch.

Oh, no.

I gotta look.

Will, he, last man on earth, that first season, did you watch that on Fox?

Which, uh, I did.

I did.

It was unbelievable.

Yeah, that was a show where in one season, you're like, I think think you guys nailed it.

I think you guys did it perfectly.

Yeah.

But how funny is that that like he said, oh, no, it's the only place you could never, you should never see it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, Will Forte is fucking unbelievable.

He's the best.

And Magruber, God, I would be so mad sitting in a theater.

I don't think I'd be mad.

I'd just be like, hit a level of sadness when you see someone not dig it.

Yeah.

Because that's how it is with food, too, like what we were talking about.

You go to a restaurant and they don't eat it and you go, you like any of it?

Yeah.

You like one bite.

You don't like that?

Yeah.

It makes you like not like people.

Yeah.

If you don't like a certain thing, I like, like, that's Italian food that's like everybody likes.

I'm not saying something weird.

If I'm like, hey, try this, you know, octopus with garlic.

I get that you're like, ah, but if, like, if I give you like a bolognier's

meatball with like all three meats with like an unbelievable marinara that was cooked the night before, I can't really talk to you.

But you're also like, what are you doing?

Are you being

that guy?

I feel like there are people that are like, it's all right.

And you're like, then what's better?

Yeah.

Those people I cut out of my life, dude.

Yeah, anyone that wants to talk shit like that, you better come with a solution.

Yeah, it's like, it's like, say what you want about like Eminem.

And like my son and his friends, they don't really, they're not really into Eminem the way that like we were, the way that I was.

And I know you were too, because you watched.

But like, I mean, if you were a boy and you were growing up between 1997 and 2005,

and you're a white guy?

Yes.

Eminem ruled.

Yeah.

It's like Eminem was like, oh, this guy fucking rules.

But it is weird to think that kids are like.

Well, I don't mind, but I don't like when people are like, Eminem's not good.

It's like no, he is good and lyric lyrically he's incredible.

You might not like his style.

You might not like his beach.

You might not even like his voice, the way he reps, but you can't say he's not good at the art.

Yeah, so when people are like, nah.

It's like saying the Chiefs aren't good at football.

Right.

You go, you can hate the Chiefs all you want.

Patrick Mahomes fucking balls.

That's actually a perfect example.

Like when you see a team that's just dominant and they're going, fuck them, they suck.

They don't suck.

And it's like, they don't suck.

They don't suck.

And the reason you don't like them is specifically because they don't suck.

Brady wears Uggs.

Fuck him.

And it's like, like, okay.

He's unbelievable.

You know, it's like, okay, he's the best.

You know, I live with a Patriots fan and

we talk about it all the time, but there's this renaissance that's happening right now.

And as a football fan, I could talk to you about this.

Yeah.

That someone said

the Chiefs dynasty is making me appreciate.

Patriots fans because

Chiefs fans are doing a lot of things where they're going like, it's so stressful.

It's so stressful.

And someone goes, at least Patriots fans wanted the smoke like at least they were like

you

brady's number one you can't you know yeah yeah chief fans are like it just keeps happening and you're like you

but that's also the thing with the yankees fans where they're like that's the fun part about them is when you're gonna be be a big bad like if you're gonna be the a villain

Be a villain.

The greatest thing that Yankee Stadium ever put out there was the Empire Strikes Back.

It's the good.

It was like the fans going, We are the Evil Empire.

We're Darth Vader, and we're coming back.

It's like, I love it.

I love it.

I fucking, dude.

Empire Strikes Back when they put that banner down.

I was just like, at first, I'm like, wait, are they saying we're banned?

And I'm like, no, that's that good.

Because you know why?

Darth Vader's cool as fuck.

And if you're going to beat Darth Vader, be fucking Darth Vader.

Don't be half-stepping Darth Vader.

Like, God.

I'm not really sure about this.

He had a point.

Maybe we can rule the world.

Join me and maybe something's gonna happen.

I mean, I don't want to put you in a weird place, but I understand.

It's like, be a fucking bad person.

I just wanted to

be like,

kind of, kind of,

kind of give in to your hate.

Give in to your dislike.

He's like this.

Peter's like this.

I should have been a more present father.

I lost contact with you during your developmental years.

Yes.

Giving to your

misunderstanding.

Sorry about that.

I can feel your confusion.

He goes, not

kind of good.

Dude, you can't fucking.

It's like I respect the fuck as a sports fan out of teams that are like, double guns, baby, we're the best.

And Boston,

you can't argue it, had the greatest

two decades of sports fandom.

Dude, that title town thing when they had all their teams winning, you know, because even if, let's just say the Knicks, God willing, God.

I know.

Let's just say the Knicks.

I'm going to see you guys are starting to be a point where, and I've always said this, once Mello left your team, I would cheer for the Knicks.

Oh, dude, I mean, I mean, the Knicks mean more to me.

Dude, my son and my son, I don't know if I told you, he's an unbelievably well-rounded kid.

He's one of the best basketball players in the school, one of the best shooters in the area, and working with, like, he's an amazing kid.

Yeah.

And good grades, and he's respectful.

and you mean like what a nice when my son watches the Knicks dude he turns into it's my it my wife is like we need to really we need to talk to him dude when we lost that game in uh to the sixers we were up like five with 20 something seconds left and we lost at the end my the words that came out of his mouth and then he went in the bedroom and he slammed the door so hard everything fell off his wall he going mother fuck this and he's starting to say words that and my wife is like he can't we need to talk to him but i love it yeah i was waiting for it i was going but

dad's going, like, that's my fucking thing.

Dude, we're watching.

We're watching this.

We were watching the Giants the other day, and he goes, you don't know

what this game would mean to me.

And I literally said, I go, buddy, it's week four.

That's, that's a problem.

Okay, good.

It's week four.

But you know what?

Good, good on you to pump the brakes on it.

Like, I'm like, listen, I love, I said to myself, because

I am not good when the Niners lose.

I am not.

Okay.

See, I'm a good loser.

Like, I

know, I mean, like,

what goes on in my brain is pure anger.

I was lucky enough, Michael Che got me a Super Bowl ticket for the last Super Bowl.

I was there.

Yeah.

Yeah, we were there.

That's right.

We were texting.

We didn't meet up.

Yeah.

Shane was there with Bud Light.

Yep.

We had all these big plans.

Oh, the plans you make when you go to the Super Bowl, where you go, after the Super Bowl, we're meeting up.

We're fucking gambling till the sun comes up.

We're going to eat crab legs.

Nine years lost.

I was like, I want to get the fuck out of here.

Out of here.

i was standing next to mike bertolina yeah the president of atc at the time and he's just like such a niners fan he's got the jacket with the gold the shiny him and al him and al magical or yeah he's got the shiny jacket the old i got my dad's right in that closet yeah yeah from 1978 oh dude i got my dad's like old school niners coat yeah he was just decked out and like i was rude i put i put money on him i changed my pick at the end but i'm gonna say

something right now yeah because this has just happened to me recently yeah and you just you just tripped a nerve.

Oh, sorry.

When you have a team that you love like a religion.

Yep.

And they lose, it is an affront on your house, on your heart, on your mind.

Yeah.

And then when someone tries to compare that to gambling, it does zero for me.

I know.

I told a guy at the Super Bowl, me and Che told the guy in the row in front of us to turn around.

Wow.

Because

he told us halfway through the fourth quarter that he's not a fan of the Chiefs.

He just bet on him.

And at that moment, I went, turn around.

Oh, that's fuck you.

He was like, talk because we were doing a thing where I was like, ah, good first down, but fuck you.

And he goes, no, I just put money on him.

And I went,

we're fucking done with you.

I'm going to say something, and I think

some people are going to get upset in Kansas City, but I'm going to be honest with you.

I watched that game.

We were very close.

We watched everything.

Now, granted, the fumble on the kick was actually a huge part because you guys were winning the game

probably everywhere you can in that game.

The Niners were ahead.

But, dude, the holding non-calls on Bosa, they showed it three times.

Yeah, they tackled him.

But the one that was so egregious where Mahomes is going to get sacked.

Fred Warren.

He's going to get sacked.

And both arms are on Bosa's shoulder pads.

It was one of the most egregious fucking non-calls.

And listen, I'm a Giants fan.

Listen, I had money on the Niners.

I watched the Niners lose.

But I had money on the Niners.

And I never, no, no, no, but here's the thing.

I met the Niners like upper office.

Oh, yeah.

And the Niners and Giants never had a real rivalry.

Other than when Montana got that, when Montana got that.

Late 80s.

You're not remembering the late 80s.

The Giants and the Niners were meeting every year in the playoffs.

Well, when Leonard Marshall hits.

What happened is it quickly turned into the Niners and the Cowboys again.

Yeah.

But late 80s, dude?

Yeah.

But I'm saying this, we're talking 20 years removed.

30s.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So many years removed of like now where it's like we don't meet you guys anymore.

And we've had so many feuds before that.

Well, you guys have a you guys have a division that's filled with real rivalries.

Yes.

Giants Philly, Giants Cowboys, Giants Washington.

Those are all real rivalries.

When you talk Giants rivalry, the first thing that comes to mind would obviously be Dallas or Philadelphia.

Nobody's ever going, oh, fuck those Niners.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a quick sliver of time where it was.

Yeah.

But that's interesting because the Niners, when they go, who are your rivals?

Obviously, you say Seahawks, but then you go cowboys like second yeah

cowboys everyone just hates the cowboys cowboys are like everybody's everyone's like yeah and also you either love them or everybody hates them yeah which kind of that's why i like cowboys fans because they're like jerry world come on they're the worst for me but you were saying you were standing there with the when you're watching oh you were the non-call on bosa i was standing there with with uh with berlina he's decked out and i felt for him and i had money on the niners and i was all into it and then when i just saw the replays of like mahomes he would have been sacked two times in a row.

There was a Fred Warner tackle where you can go and watch it, where Fred Warner gets tackled by the right guard in a way that you were like,

that I obsessed over.

Like it was my Zaphruder film.

Like I was like, the area and I was going, right there, Grassy Knoll, pause it.

Why is he, why is he tackled?

Why is he tackled?

It's losing a sleep.

Do you write a book on it?

Like the movie JFK?

I got a corkboard when you come in and you're like, what are you doing?

You're off time.

Am worried about me.

He's like circles on the guy's arm.

You're like, if he's not holding you, he's not sleeping.

And I go, so here's the deal.

In 1978, the NFL agreed that holding would only be called on certain players.

And they're like, dude, this guy goes, I go, follow the money, Paul.

Follow the money.

Kevin Costner to play the ref.

Yeah, Roger.

Roger Goodell is afraid of me.

Where he's like, this guy's sitting outside my house.

Oh, that's so funny, dude.

That's what sports do.

That's what I'm saying.

With your son, when he goes in the room and slams that door, when the 49ers lost that Super Bowl, that we had all those plans, I was like, I want to go sit in in a dark room.

Like I had a concussion.

I was like, I want to go sit in a dark fucking room.

And I did the worst thing imaginable.

I went online.

And there's a lot of people that know, if, that know that you're a fan that are waiting to say something.

It'd be funny if they had like the when your team loses tent.

You go in, they evaluate you.

Yeah, it's so funny.

They just pull up.

How you doing?

He's going to be like, this is what you're asking.

They just hand you a drink.

They're like, what do you want?

An iced coffee?

Sit down.

Put on cartoons.

And you still, if you're on booze, we have a, like, there's just a...

You're Heineken Zeros and what's your favorite episode of South Park there's like a creme farm there's like an ESPN report they're like Dan Scholders is is out three weeks with depression he can't watch he can't watch sports TV for three weeks we're gonna monitor him day to day after that you know maybe bring him back with some NBA coverage

that's hilarious yeah dude the post Super Bowl dude it's happened to me twice

the first Super Bowl I went to was 2019 when

the 49ers lost to the Chiefs the first time

and it's because McDaniel Katie got me the ticket because she was working at ESPN.

But McDaniel was the O-coordinator then.

And he got me.

Oh, okay.

I remember that.

I remember that.

So he got me.

So we got tickets to an invite to go to the post-Super Bowl.

Do you know that?

I don't know if a lot of people know this.

After the Super Bowl, both teams still have a party.

I remember seeing Gronk.

dancing at the Patriots party after they lost.

And I remember Belichick not liking it.

And Gronk is just out there looking like a fucking drunk teenager, just heated.

Because this is like right when he got to the league, he was young.

And they were like, Why is he dancing like that?

Like, so happy.

I didn't know that.

They have to.

So basically, imagine Kobe.

Kobe would never, rest his soul.

You think Kobe would ever go to a Lakers after he lost?

He was like crying after the.

But that's also what's different is NBA is a seven-game series, so it's not one day, one city, one shot.

And so, what happens is the reason it is that these owners, these owners pay like $200,000 to $500,000 to have these parties.

So if they win, you're not going to know.

Like the Niner game went to overtime.

The Super Bowl went to overtime this year.

So no one knew.

Like at the end of the game, you didn't know who's the champion.

It's kind of like the shirts.

They got to print up

shirts for both teams.

But they can't send the after-party to Africa.

They can't just go like

all those bottles we got got to go to fucking Senegal.

Yeah, yeah.

They were like.

So they gave us this wristband and they're like, hey,

win or lose,

go to these buses.

Oh, my God.

So they lose.

Oh, my God.

And we go,

get on the bus.

At the time.

What a sad walk on that bus that must have been, dude.

It was, you could hear a pin drop.

Oh, my God.

And by the way, at the time, Mike LaFleur, the Rams offensive coordinator currently, was still with the Niners.

And his brother, Matt LaFleur, he had just beaten the NFC championship game with the Packers.

Matt LaFleur still came to the Super Bowl to wish his brother to like...

Matt used to coach for the Niners.

So Matt came to like cheer on his brother or whatever.

So we're sitting on the way to this sad ass party, me and Katie, behind Matt LaFleur, the head coach of the Packers.

And it's kind of funny watching him like not be sad because he's like, man, I'm bummed for my brother.

But like, you can just tell he was like, he was like, I don't know.

He's like, dude, where's the party at?

Yeah.

He's like, these fuckers beat us.

So that was the funniest thing is going to the party and watching family members that are like

disconnected enough that they can go like this taco station and they're like

because that's really what it was yeah he was just thrilled to party yeah yeah and so Katie dude the most depressing thing in the world it's like it's like if the person you were going to the funeral for was still alive and they caught you celebrating at the reception yeah where you're like yeah yeah what's it he's doubled it hey sorry you see him and you go like God rest your soul

was there there was a thing years ago uh where Bill Clinton and his wife they were at a funeral.

Yeah.

And they got Clinton laughing with somebody.

And then all of a sudden the camera went on and he just went, he acted like he was crying.

He's like,

they see you and you're like, it's like getting caught stealing out of a cookie jar and you go like, I wasn't doing it.

It's like when your dog has something and then they just drop it?

Drop it.

It was, it was brutal, dude.

Because also,

my friend...

I'm a 49er fan, lifelong.

So that hurts.

But then my friend is crushed because he just spent a hundred hours a week working on this to get to this moment.

You know,

and I was like, it's so funny.

There was a moment where I'm like talking to Mike and me and my friend Chad, who were there, who grew up with Mike, and we're like, yeah, man, it sucks.

And then Katie's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

I have to be like this.

She's like, I'm gonna go something to eat.

And I'm like, can you give me steak taco?

That's like that moment where you go, I think they have a saada.

And then she's like, is Coach Anita Pabil good?

You're like, I can do pork.

It's like this, it's so fucked up.

It's like this collision, dude.

The Jabberwockies were dancing.

Oh, my God.

While all the 49ers were just like...

Right when the Niners.

I don't know if I could go to it.

I don't know if I could go to it.

And I don't know if I'm a player I could go to it.

I think it was mandatory.

Was it?

I'm pretty sure it was mandatory.

Oh, my God.

I think they're kind of like, like, dude, if the owner of the- I would just fake it.

I would fake it.

I'd be like, dude, my aunt.

I gotta have kids.

I can't, dude.

I'm not.

I don't know, but also, can you give me some of those Asada tacos?

You're still there.

You go, like,

everything is about to be.

You go,

dude, that sushi station is nuts.

He goes,

I can't believe I threw the losing intersection.

Are those tiny creme brew legs?

Will you give me a spoon so you can grab it?

The double safety thing was such a mistake.

He goes,

like, seeing it, and you go, is that a...

Is that a fucking ranch?

Is that a queso dip, dude?

Is that a ranch fountain?

I'm not an idea.

Do they have 10s and a ranch fountain?

Yo, coach is over there.

I don't want to go over there.

But go get me a punt.

Like the guy that like drops the punt, Ray Ray McCloud's like, yo, dude, go get me a punt.

His table's like empty.

Everyone's like, dude, don't sweat that, dude, dude.

I'm going over there.

Yeah, but I can't hang with you.

Hey, buddy, sorry.

I can't hang with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's,

I feel like that.

I was telling Pimp.

Our building, there was a gas, it fucked his building up too.

There was a giant Con Edison fuck up and a gas line on Saturday got fucked up and it shut off all hot water and gas for 250 buildings in Manhattan.

What?

Like 250, all the way down to Wall Street.

Like we're on 26th, all the way down to Wall Street was affected where people didn't have hot water or gas.

And I keep thinking about Katie and I talk, because Katie talked to the guy from Con Ed when I was gone this morning and she's like, that guy's getting fired, right?

And they're like, Oh, yeah, they're looking into it, but I keep thinking about that guy.

That guy hasn't, if you watch this, if you happen to be a fan of this podcast, please reach out.

I will interview you, I will come off the road immediately to interview you because I have never felt this happened with the bridge in Baltimore where the boat hit the bridge.

Oh, yeah.

Those moments, I think about that worker because I know that should be me.

So

I know

how I am as an employee.

All right, I got one for you then.

So then this is a serious question.

Would you rather be?

Okay.

I love these.

Would you rather be the guy?

Would you rather be the guy that did the bridge thing in Baltimore or the Con NED thing?

Or

would you be a reliever to give up a you're a reliever that gives up a fucking bot?

Like you're Mitch Williams or

against Carter.

Did you watch Mets Dodgers?

I didn't.

I think it was a bullpen game for the Dodgers, but they brought brought a guy in immediately as he comes in, bases loaded, Grand Slam.

I mean, that's an LCS game.

No, but I'm talking historic.

I'm talking historic loss in the history of the city and franchise.

You're talking about Bill Buckner.

Yeah, I'm talking about Bill Buckner.

I'm talking about you, you know, you just lay a hanging curve.

Oh, I'd be that Con Ed guy in a second.

Yeah, but I'd rather be the bridge guy in a second.

I'd rather be at the party going, dude, that bridge, my bad, dude.

Whoops.

Honestly, I was getting popped.

It's just like, I was getting blown.

He should fly and make it sound cool.

Dude, I was all over.

I was cool.

And I'm like, and then I'm like, this.

Is that a branch?

Dude, there were three chicks.

Just fucking.

The guy from the Titanic, you would, if you found a letter where he's like, I'm sorry, my love, I was getting a French kiss on my Willie.

And you'd be like, oh, yeah, I wouldn't have seen that.

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

What happens?

He's like, Iceberg.

He's like, what?

Iceberg.

He's like.

He's just Watching ice just come down.

The fuck?

Yeah, dude.

The thing about sports, the thing about it is it is

your name, your face.

It's Steve Bartman.

No one would take, like,

Con Ed, gas leak, bridge collapse.

Steve Bartman, no way.

Steve Bartman had to move to the woods.

Yeah, dude.

Because they wanted to kill him.

That's nuts, dude.

Because you wanted to make a catch.

Have you ever caught a foul ball?

It's so fun.

They did a documentary.

They were like going to his house.

They were camping out of his house.

They were like finding everything.

He was like, he was going to have to go get a Travolta face off.

Oh, my God.

Like, they wanted to fucking kill him.

It really is scary, dude.

Like, every time I'm at a game, I'm like, I tell my kids, I'm like, I don't care.

They're like, dad, we're in the upper deck.

I don't care.

You don't touch.

Don't.

I've caught one foul ball and I was behind home plate.

And I was like, this is where you're supposed to catch a home ball.

Yeah.

I was up.

I was in like the second section away.

Yeah.

It was Buster posy nice oh it's dude it was my favorite one of my favorite giants of all time it was pretty great i got one at uh but it didn't matter i didn't care i was at rockies indians in cleveland and and i got one fun yeah fun but if but i like it was a ball that i didn't care so we used it yeah you're like

me and my kid are having a cat

from the end of cleveland it's in my closet i know where it is yeah yeah but what's crazy is I caught it.

I barehanded it.

Yeah.

And the crowd reacted.

Yeah.

And I thought

I like made a joke because when I caught it, I like went like and I caught it, and then I went like that.

And then what's funny is this little kid was staring at me.

Oh, it's like the little kid in a Mets jersey.

First off, I'm wearing Giants shit.

I'm a Giants fan.

Yeah.

Also, you're a little kid.

I've been waiting.

I think at the time I was like 30.

Were you conflicted at all?

Was there any chance he was getting?

God damn second.

You weren't going to give it to him.

I looked at the kid.

I went, no, you didn't.

Did you?

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Welcome to the bus.

How old are you?

36.

Fuck off.

It's like five years ago.

He's crying.

I was like, blow me.

Go Giants.

El Gigantes.

Right there, bud.

But I thought SNY was going to catch it.

So I like went home and watched the replay.

And they're just like in the booth.

But you hear the crowd react.

You heard them being like, and that's Buster Posey on a zero and a 0-1 count and thousand back.

And then you hear the crowd going.

And I was like, that was me.

That was me.

I caught that value.

Yeah.

Because it went up pretty quick and I snatched it.

Oh.

Well, I think it might have been holding it.

Did you break anything?

Like, was it just

dude, pure adrenaline?

Yeah, yeah.

It's just coming at you.

And I literally was just like, oh, shit.

I wish they got on TV, you look at the kid going, no.

Oh, dude.

I would have been prick of the century.

Yeah, yeah.

That was like when the guy took it from a kid.

You saw that one?

Yeah.

The woman took it from him and then walked away.

Oh, dude, there was one on the Astros where like a hot girl, like a guy took it from a kid and gave it to a hot girl, and the hot girl was like, I don't even like this.

But my favorite ones are when little kids pull game on adult women when they like get one and they like give the foul ball to the lady and you're like, look at this little, this kid's gonna be a problem.

If I were like dating, if you're like a lady and you're dating a guy, and he's like, Oh, there's this cute clip when I was a kid, and I gave this older woman a foul ball, you're like, Oh, you're gonna fuck around on me.

I meant when me and Stacey first started dating, I gave like a lot to homeless in front of her.

That's so funny.

How generous, how, how much of a you are running a political ad while you're dating.

I gave him like a speech to him, like, dude, you're gonna be tired, dude.

You crouch down, dude.

I'm like, What's your name, dude?

Listen, we won't make mistakes, don't you?

What's your name, bro?

Bro, what's your name?

He's like,

it's just nonsense.

You're going, hey, bro.

What's your name?

Dude, you're going to get out of this.

You're a fucking winner.

Sincerity on a date to a homeless guy?

What's going on, bud?

You know, should we get him a pizza?

You know what?

Stay here.

Hey, stay here.

I'm going to go get you a green smoothie.

My brother put a kid up in a hotel for like days.

Really?

Yeah.

But like, he was alone.

Like, my brother's just like, he was like alone.

He wasn't with a girl.

And he was just like, dude, you know what?

Let me just, and he just like set the the guy up, gave him food.

Can I just tell you right now,

from that homeless guy's perspective, that young man's perspective, he goes,

fuck me?

That's hilarious.

Just immediately goes, do you want a hotel?

He goes,

at what cost?

Fuck, man.

I don't know.

Is it butt or mouth?

He takes his crackhead dentures.

I was like, all right.

It's the opposite of putting in a mouth food through a boxing.

He's like, dude, fine, fuck.

He goes, don't come in my mouth, bro.

I'll let you pop on my chest.

He's like, he's like, are we talking Hilton?

Yeah, dude.

You can't trust.

If you're a homeless person, you can't trust

someone doing that.

Dude, did I ever tell you?

I don't know if I told you a story.

This was a bad one, dude.

This is when I just got on stage angry and I was like, fuck the homeless.

And the crowd was like, whoa, me and Josh Adam Myers.

So Josh Adam Myers was at the stand and I could tell he was going through something.

Yeah.

Right?

He was just, he could just be thinking about it.

He was just, he was like, things are,

I'm not in a good place.

I'm in a real, real depression.

Are you seeing your depression?

He's like,

I love Josh.

He gets hit by a car.

Ow!

That's my FEMA.

Oh, my God, that hurts.

That's my FEMA, FEMA, FEMA.

But BEMA.

That BEMA just broke my FEMA.

He has the the driver to sing.

I didn't see you coming.

I didn't see you coming.

So I love Josh.

You're so generous.

He's so generous.

So he's going through it.

So Josh is going through it.

I see him going through it.

And I was like, dude, you good?

I was like, dude, you good?

And he was like, I don't know, you know?

So I was just like,

no, no, he was just like,

I don't know.

So I was like, dude, you want to talk?

He was like, he's like, yeah, dude.

So I literally, like, we got like two white claws and we we went on the patio and this is like summer and and we're talking and like he's like getting heavy to me and we're like talking i'm like he's looking me in the eye i'm like i'm like dude you go and dude this like in like a mid fucking conversation this homeless guy just comes in like just hands up like this and he goes he goes like this i swear to god this is a hundred percent this is almost exactly why he goes he goes excuse me excuse me excuse me i'm not trying to interrupt i'm not

trying to interrupt

you know yeah and uh

and and he just goes i've been in the same shirt for three and a half weeks if there's anything you could do and josh was just going through it and he was on like homeless autopilot, he's like, I got nothing, right?

So me, I'm like, I had like cash in different pockets, but I knew, listen to this, I knew,

I knew, yeah, I said I was playing homeless Russian roulette, I was like, dude, I had one pocket had two singles, but others had big bills.

One of the pockets had hundreds and another pocket had 20s, but I forgot where the two singles were.

I thought the two singles were in the front right.

So I go, hold on, now see what I could do.

Like, I'm a savior.

I stand up and I dig in, dude, and it's just a crispy 20, right?

And Josh looks at me and he looks at me, and I'm not one to pull it back.

Yeah, I can't be like, yeah, right, you piece of shit, you know?

So, so I fucking just, I'm like, oh, yeah, go ahead.

And I give him a 20, and this motherfucker grabs a 20.

I swear to God, Dan, he just goes, come on, man, like, this isn't enough for what I, I swear to you, I swear to you, and I was just like, I wanted it to pour, I wanted it to pour and be cold, I wanted him to.

Well, it's also, and let's just,

let's just be real here.

Homelessness is horrible.

Yeah, people should, obviously, people need help yeah sometimes i used to have this joke that i think made people upset yeah but i said i went i walked by and this is true i was walking to the old stand and i saw a homeless guy on a iphone

laying on the street texting someone and so i went on stage at the stand and i go who's he texting that's not helping him out yeah well joe partner yeah joe barton's got a joke he goes he goes you're if you're homeless you're an asshole he goes because if you weren't you'd have a place to stay but that's and you got i'm not saying that's every

entertain that thought in this situation that a guy gets a $20 bill you've burned every bridge because I did it recently but it was with a 10 where I pulled out a 10 at Dunkin' Donuts you know how sometimes they open the door for you and you go well you kind of got me by the short and curly's here buddy yeah because you're opening the door you're doormanning the dunkin

but i was in a good mood and i was like i think i got like a five on me i thought i had it and it was a 10 and i gave him a 10 and the guy was like thank you and you're like worth it like god bless you

to a guy if i give you money i want if i give you a 20 i want you to cry i want you to cry i want you to go thank god you're a savior maybe like get on his knees hug me here's the deal some and and this is just the honest to god truth of it all right remove your morals and your empathy for a second yeah giving a 20 yep

the same amount of money you give that to a stripper they act like they want to you yeah and if this guy's not even showing gratefulness dude i think my buddy got you know what this 20 can give me down at the penthouse at the penthouse on 11th and 59th like you know what tanya would do with this this girl roxy would go nuts for this dude i think she would probably actually go like no i'm falling in love with you for this

this

how'd you guys get together he gave me a 20 back

he saved me from a life of sin but yeah man sometimes that that like homeless interrupting thing you're kind of like buddy not right now sometimes yeah you know i have wired i i still rock wired earbuds because i no i have to the regular ones i I don't do.

I don't like the ear, the wireless.

They're also fucking horrific for you.

Yeah, probably.

They're probably nuking your brain.

No, they like they've proven.

Somebody said, who was it?

Melissa Menunos.

You know her?

She had a brain.

Yeah, she was basically like,

if you use earbuds, you're killing your brain.

It's just like a, well, it's got to be.

And you lose them.

And you also lose them.

All the time.

Yeah.

How many planes have you been on where people go, guys, my earbuds somewhere around here?

And you're like, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah.

Oh, mine falls out all the time when I sleep.

And then I have a wire.

I like the wire.

Also, it lets people know.

It's kind of a heads up of like, hey, I got wires in my ears.

Yeah.

Don't talk to me.

But it's so funny when, like, I'll be, because I call people when I walk my dog.

So I'll be, I've been in, like, intense conversations where I'm like,

how much longer does your mom have to live?

And then people will be like, what is she?

And you're like,

what?

What's your dog?

And you go,

my friend's mom's dot.

Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah.

You got to go out and like grab the ear and you're like, the mic.

And you're like, what

is yeah, she's how old is she

She's actually 68 and they think it's spread to her brain.

Oh, you're not talking about my friend's mom You're talking about my doesn't that have to be mental illness if somebody does that I really think there's there's some sort of no

I think right now with the way that everything is marketed is everyone's a main character and no one realizes that we're all part of an inch a society.

So like I like when I I don't think I take that personally when I know someone's in their own story or whatever, and you're like, ah, you know, this guy, yeah, yeah.

You're a real under, one thing I learned about you in the years that we've been friends and knowing you is, A, you're a guy that does not take yourself too seriously at all.

And you're really an understanding dude.

Like you're one of those guys that are like, ah, he's, he's going through it.

He's going through it.

He's a good guy.

We're like, I try to have that, but I'm more like...

Part of me is like, he knows what he's doing.

Yeah.

There's a little bit.

So there's, I'm like, I'm like a mixture where if you catch me on that part where I'm like, this guy knows what he's doing, then I get like real mad.

These nice guys have a flip side where they're like, if you get us, it takes a lot, but then when it gets there, you're like, dude, don't take advantage of me.

You're like, you get fucking furious.

But I also feel like when you're the child of an alcoholic, my dad was a booze bag.

You learn to make excuses for people.

Like inherently, and that carries over into your adulthood where you go like, he's probably going to be awesome.

That's actually real interesting because I remember talking to a friend and they were were like, every time you talk about like something about your dad or something that happened to you when you were young, you kind of like give it a pass or you kind of give it a thing where you're like, you kind of make it like a little excuse where you're like, no, but they're really like nice and they have this nice sense of humor.

And they were like, that wasn't cool.

What happened?

And I'm going, yeah, maybe that does.

Nice guys have, I think nice guys have early trauma and then they try to

deal with it.

But it's also like not a good thing.

It took me fucking years of therapy for me to be like, oh, my dad sucked.

Like he chose not to be, you have two kids.

Like you are, you are your good dad, you're a present father.

But like that's insane to me now.

I don't have kids, but it's insane to me the thought of like, if I had a kid just chilling in Denver and I just wasn't calling it, then I was just on a podcast being like, what's up with the Niners?

And my kid's like, what the fuck?

Yeah, that would be.

That's crazy to me.

And so it took me years of therapy to be like, oh, I was making excuses because I didn't want to deal with the truth of the matter, which is that this motherfucker didn't want anything to do with it.

Yeah, you have to deal because that's a painful thing to deal with.

But the craziest,

but the craziest one to me, it's hilarious, but the craziest one to me is a dude with a straight second family.

While like, like these dudes that like, like, I'm talking, no, no, no, I'm talking two families going on, like a motherfucker getting on a plane on Christmas and doing Christmas gifts in Orlando.

And then, and then, and then after that.

And then being in Rochester and being like, are you fucking like the body?

Like, two house dogs come to the door.

There he is.

There he is.

But they know.

The dogs know because they go, what's that other dog?

Oh, the dog's like, there's another dog on you.

And he's like, oh, you missed me.

And you're like,

that's a rott wilder, dude.

Can

here's my question with technology.

That's wild.

With social media, with Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, can dudes still do that?

I think, dude, I think real sociopath narcissistic ones can.

You can have a whole second family with a Facebook and a fucking, they're able to fucking look at you.

That's at the airport like this.

He's closing out apps.

He's like, all right, no, no, dude, no, it's Shelly's week.

Yeah.

All right, Shelly, I get in Shelly mode.

But they got, I would blow it.

I would immediately blow it.

I go, your birthday is April 13th.

And she goes, my birthday's December 7th.

And you're like, ha, I told you to mow the lawn.

Dad, I did.

Oh, wait, that was the other house.

We live in Miami.

We're on Beachfro property.

And you go, fuck.

We're on the 28th floor.

We don't.

What do you mean, go Buckeyes?

We've been a Michigan family for three generations.

He's got different sportsmen refer in each house.

Fuck, fuck.

Today's Today's Notre Dame.

Oh, fuck.

I really think that that's the crazy.

Because that's a guy that'll do a one-night stand and just nut inside.

Crazy.

Like, that's a dude, no condom.

Like, that's a psycho.

Let's talk about it, you know, because we can.

We're talking about sports and we're talking about families.

The fact that Tyreek Hill had five women, had five kids in one year while he was married is insane.

That's nuts.

Multiple nuts.

Like, that's five.

Specifically.

five five

like

and it's and i don't think it's women that are like connected to you no you know what i mean it's not a woman where she's like i love maggruber too and tyran kill is like i got a nut in you you know he's kind of like oh get off me bitch it's like one of them and then she's like i took it and i'm having your baby and he's like god damn because i always think you know what i always think about in those situations yeah think about if you didn't have five kids with five women how much money you would have how much fucking

cremati remember crematy had 11 with 12?

Yeah, he had 11 kids or 12 kids with 11 women.

I think there's also a...

And he said, I got to keep playing.

He goes, I got to keep playing for another contract for the money, for the kids.

Yeah, that's true.

There's 11 of them young that like he's responsible for until they're 18.

Dude, 11, that's a lot of money.

That's 11 colleges.

That's 11.

I mean, that's like.

Dude, 11's nuts.

There was a Denver Bronco that

had a bunch of kids.

He was a running back.

And I want to look it up

because he had to get a regular job while he was playing in the NFL.

Like he got cut from the Broncos and someone was like, Travis Henry.

Do you remember Travis Henry?

Of course.

Yeah, I remember Travis Henry.

Travis Henry had like 11 children by 10 different women.

Oh my God.

And someone was like, yo, Travis Henry's working at the Aurora Mall.

What did a friend just say?

What did a friend just be like, hey, Trav, did you want to slow down?

Like, you know what?

Or even like over a beer where you go, yeah, yes.

Does coming on tits do anything for you?

Don't you ever want to fucking pull out and spray?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, you're not trying to pull out spray.

just over a beer watching another game.

You're like, dude, that was a good play.

By the way, did you ever think about just like

pulling out?

You go, you know how hot it is to come on tits?

He got arrested for what?

For having fucking potent cum?

Drug trafficking.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

In 2008, Henry was arrested by the DEA after allegedly being involved in a multi-kilogram cocaine transaction that occurred in Centennial, which is right by where I grew up.

Really?

For you fucking Aurora heads out there that used to be called unincorporated Arapahoe County.

Is that right?

Right.

Didn't have a name.

Yeah.

But they did not want to be, all the rich kids I went to high school with didn't want to be associated with Aurora.

So they would call it.

I thought that was Aurora like lower income.

Middle class.

Nice parts of Aurora.

I grew up in a nice part of Aurora.

Yeah, yeah.

But like North Aurora, rough.

Okay.

Very rough.

Where are the Venezuelans hanging out right now?

So funny.

They're there.

It's fine.

They're there, though.

Well, there's Venezuelans, but Venezuelans are not.

not.

I don't know if you know what's going on in Venezuela.

It's not good.

Yeah.

Everyone's running.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why they're showing up at all these places because their country is fucked.

So they're like, I got to get the fuck out of here.

But yeah,

we're actually having Andrew Callahan from Channel 5.

Do you ever watch his shit on YouTube?

No.

He does like incredible documentaries.

Yeah, yeah.

But he went to Aurora and did like an hour documentary that's on YouTube about these prison gangs and about how they're in Aurora.

And they're not.

No.

It's like what?

It's like two apartments of guys that got into the fight.

Yeah.

Is that really what it is?

Yeah.

Well, what it is is it's an apartment complex that went, the guy stopped upkeeping it.

I think he got robbed.

I think he genuinely did get robbed.

It's like two apartments.

They're getting loud playing FIFA.

Yeah.

And they're like, he's jailed.

These prison gangs are everywhere.

He takes the fucking Xbox from a fucking

ass.

And they're like, they're everywhere.

They're fucking coming in here.

09, Henry was sentenced to three years in federal prison.

The fine was waived uh he could not afford a fine well of course he can't afford a fine he's got 11 fucking kids nuts dude damn dude you ever see that guy that rostafarian guy where they go how many kids he goes 23 22 baby mother it's a real thing yeah that's also like when you look at all the that's when you're just like you know young guys that like love andrew tate and he's like you need to have 70 kids with women because that's and you're like

how many kids you got yeah he's like one you're like all right well talk to talk or walk the walk.

You know what I mean?

Like, you got to fucking

populate the air.

I mean, I'm not.

I'm not.

Fuck that shit.

You're like, I don't know.

I got shit to do.

But it's also like, did you see that interview with, I think it was Cam Newton talk to this woman on her podcast.

She's like a child psychologist or like a family therapist.

And he was like, Cam Newton was making the point where he was like, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I don't want to get married because I don't want to get divorced.

But he's got all these baby Obamas.

And she's going like, well, you're creating broken homes because you're not married yet.

Yeah, that's like selfish.

She's basically saying, I don't want you to take half of my shit.

But I'm going to let it.

I'm going to let it fly.

Why?

Yeah.

Dude, what is bring back?

That's what I'm running on in 2024.

Coming on tits.

Dan Soder, come on those tits.

We're running out of resources, boys.

Start coming on tits.

I honestly, that's the one thing.

Like, we're talking about the craziest things to do.

That's like, there's a guy on a couch, right?

holidays with his family and then his other kid from another family calls going are you coming and he's just like like a side chick

like a side a side boy hey dude you're like this and you're going hey fucking get down

get james get down from there

i gotta go i got all it's work hey buddy

hey buddy did you guys beat the you guys beat the roosters you guys go to davin busters when i get home you know what let's sing our song Who loves you more than daddy?

All right, I gotta go.

Is there a way to find out?

Like, is there a way to find out, like, who remember on that?

What?

Like, like, what the percentage of men in this country that have been like.

Second families?

And I'm not talking like.

You know what's funny?

Can I tell you something?

Second families.

Were your parents married?

Divorced when I was five.

Same here.

Brutal.

Same here.

As bad as it could be.

Oh, same.

God damn, I loved it.

I loved the real

heat.

Real heat between the parents.

Oh, dude, getting the kids in the middle.

Like, textbook brainwash.

I did that joke on my last special about there was no internet, so I was a messenger.

So I would just go to San Francisco and read a scroll where I'd be like, she says you're an alcoholic and a loser and a liar.

Oh, dude, me and my brother grew up with that.

I love it.

I don't find any people that grew up with that.

Oh, my God, dude.

It's like a bad person.

My mom,

my mom would be like, your dad's a loser.

He's a drunk.

He's a liar.

She would always say that.

Don't be a liar like your father.

And then I'd go see my dad in San Francisco and he'd be like, your mom's a bitch.

She's just a cold bitch.

And it's like, and you're just in the middle of that.

Yeah, no, it's why we do what we do, probably.

I don't know.

Yeah.

We found out.

Oh, we got something?

What do we got here?

According to a child trend study, 15% of men will father children with more than one woman by the age of 40.

The study also found that most men who have children with multiple partners were married at the time that one or more of their children were born.

Dave Grohl off.

Dave Grohl.

How much did that suck?

Yeah, he got because he was our guy.

He tried to get in front of it too.

Yeah.

He was like, I just want to let you guys know.

You guys are going to hear some crazy shit.

I'm going to be in her life.

I fucking love her.

I'm going to raise her.

And I'm also going to try to patch stuff up with the old family.

You know what the thing about Dave Grohl really shows is that it's just life and nobody's, nobody is susceptible.

Like, yeah, everybody's human.

Nobody's bulletproof.

It could happen to anybody.

So this is what my therapist says to me all the time.

He says, this is my problem.

And I think he's right.

Because I, when you, my dad died when I was a kid.

So he says your parents are like superheroes until you get older.

And then you realize they're just normal people that have normal issues and everybody's human.

But when someone, but when you're young and your parent dies, they kind of die on that pedestal.

They die on that, like, oh, he was a mythical figure.

Yes.

And so it took me years and years and years to be like, oh, this guy,

this guy just was like,

was just leaving families and going and getting drunk and like not participating in their families.

But it's taking people off off pedestals.

And you got to realize that no one's on a pedestal.

Everyone's a human being.

Yeah.

And Dave Grohl was the on a, I mean, in my mind, he was the last guy on a pedestal for me.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Because he was Nirvana, but then he's in Queens of the Stone Age, one of my favorite, you know, my favorite band.

You're just outside your therapist's office after Grohl.

You're like, you're like another one.

I'm like that Ben Affleck where I'm smoking a cigarette.

I'm like,

but it is like,

I don't think it's, listen, we're not saying if you have two families, you're fucking Hitler.

We're just saying it's crazy.

It's the responsibility, the stress that goes with that.

Dude, I got married with two kids.

They go to children.

Did you imagine having that times two?

No.

No.

Like, and two wives.

Like, my wife is a strong woman.

You got to fly to L.A.

and put on a Dodger's hat.

Oh, my God.

Talk to your son out there.

He's like, hey, dad.

He's got a California accent.

He's like, yay, what's up, Dad?

And you know, the guy clearly has a family he likes better.

That's the thing.

I don't want to interrupt.

I got to get back to New York.

I want to interview someone.

and i we could go full old school history channel gangland style yeah where their voice is like muffled and they're and i'd be like who's your favorite family and go oh absolutely the first one they're way better i know them more i grow the second family's annoying they only know me with money they've never had to struggle sharon was just civil she was just you know she i i think honestly i like the first family more and then if you were

Because when you said your dad left at five, right?

Yeah.

My dad was gone.

And I always worried he had a second family.

That was like legitimately, that was my child version of, I think she's cheating on me.

It's like,

I just know he's got another family.

I think I knew a comic that said that his, his father, they got divorced and like left and his father like lived in the same neighborhood across the street with other kids.

Like, can you imagine that, dude?

Cocking your kids.

Imagine like having, playing catch with your new son and looking over at your old son and going like,

he's like, why are you doing this?

He's like, throw it better, throw it better.

He goes, throw it better.

He's looking.

He's looking.

Oh, wow.

He's like, overselling it.

Do you hear that?

Pop.

The best thing.

This is the best part of Soder.

No matter what road you go down, I can start it.

Dan just fucking.

I can do it dances just.

Not only does he go in, he goes into character.

He goes right.

A long time ago on the Opie and Anthony subreddit, someone called me the golden retriever of comedy.

Dude, you have to do it.

I mean, you could go down any road, and

Soder just hops in as in character.

I'm just like,

throw it, dude.

What time?

Throw it.

What time?

You can fake throw it and I'll go for it.

You go, what about Tom?

And then I turn around and I go, nah, you didn't want to go with that?

All right, fuck it.

No, but like, my dad was like, when my son Lucas was born, I realized some things that happened and I had to have it with my dad.

I had to sit down with him.

And I did.

And I was able to do that.

But how good was that for you?

It was good for me.

And it was not, it didn't go as did he know it was coming?

No, but

it was time went by, and my brother was going, like, hey, man, dad wants to, to, you haven't talked to you.

And I was like, I just need, I need to make it not emotional when I do it, so I'm waiting.

And then I went in and I just, as a matter of factly, and it actually went well, and it was able to give me peace, and it was able to me go, okay, you know what, man, I'm going to have this life now where it's like better at least because it's off my plate.

For sure.

And it had to.

And having a son made me, not to get too heavy on a fucking comedy podcast here, but I just started crying.

No,

he held me and he apologized while crying.

No, it's holding my head.

to fuck to me and go, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, ball, ball.

The new special's out on YouTube.

Go watch it.

No, it was your.

Buddy Boy, I'm like shaking you.

Especially that.

Especially.

I'm not holding baseball clubs.

I remember this, Will Clark.

But we got your head, Rangers.

It was around the time of that fucking earthquake.

He's fucking Will Shrewa.

Matt Williams.

Remember Matt Williams?

Dude, don't even come at me about number nine in the third basement.

My favorite giant of all time.

Bald, yeah, I remember it.

No, but like, I will say this.

If, and, and

anybody listening that went through something with their dad or went through something when a lot of people gravitate towards this podcast.

Yeah, when you have a kid of your own and a son of your own and you kind of are in the bonding and you have that love and connection, that's when a light bulb and that's when things from what happened to you go go off well they say that a lot with sexual assault victims well and i think people go one or two ways unfortunately they're either repeat offenders yeah or they break the generational fucking curse and that's what you have to do

nailed it yeah and i think some of us i'm you know i'm not having kids but i was lucky enough to have to go to therapy and kind of realize and get there on my own yeah and being like oh well that's the generational curse is having families and leaving them well i'd rather be present in my own life yeah and be around for my friends and my family yeah so you're absolutely right.

Because I think it's like, because they do say, they say a lot of victims of sexual assault will block it until their kids get to be about their age that it happened.

And then it unlocks.

Well, it's like that family guy episode where Peter's like, you realize you got molested at 40.

Yeah.

Because

things happen and you go, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Like a light bulb.

Because what it is, is your subconscious, you were protected.

Your body protected.

Your memory and your brain protected.

You go, no, no, no, we're not going to let that flash clip come in front of you.

That was one of the post-its that I put up after therapy was because my therapist said he said the sentence he goes your father rejected you and you didn't want to deal with it and it was hard for me to say it for like two months I go yeah my dad um

you didn't want to be there because my brain was like don't even say it yeah then you start saying it and you go like oh well now I understand why it's so important to me that people like me that I that part that I hate yeah where I'm like why do I try to get this person to like me when I don't even like them and then you're like oh that it all somebody was like you know what when when they were When they were separated and gone, somebody was like, he might have even resented you.

And I remember taking that in, going like, what?

And like, all of a sudden, I started thinking about and putting things together.

Yeah.

And nobody really knows what that person was going through.

Sure.

But you're able to kind of go, oh my God, I was like lying to myself.

We lie to ourselves because the one person that we want to impress when you're a kid is your mom and dad.

Absolutely.

Well, you just want to get acceptance from your mom and dad.

So then when that's gone, you're like, oh, I'm fucked.

That's why.

That's why these people that have all these fucking multiple kids, it's not that you're having multiple kids.

It's the fact that you're not around for those kids.

So they inevitably, as human beings, feel like, well, I'm lacking because this guy's.

Also, if you found, if I found out that Gary had like fucking 10 of us, I would go on like a tour to fight all of them.

Because I would be like, I want to be the supreme child.

Right.

I want him to be the proudest of me.

Right.

So you looked up to Derek Combat.

You looked up to him.

My dad was so funny.

You'd be around him and you were like, I would watch, he was a bartender.

I would watch him like hold the attention of people because he was funny and smart and he read a lot and like all this shit so you didn't think well you're like oh smart people aren't bad right because they know bad and it's like oh no this motherfucker yeah well I also had my older sister who is my half sister who was 12 years older than me and she got abandoned by him so when she started coming into my life when I was like 10 she was like yeah this motherfucker runs out And I was like, oh, shit.

Oh, okay.

That makes sense.

And I think it helped her.

Yeah.

Cause she was like, oh, he's doing it.

She didn't take a personal at that point.

But so you probably probably did what I did.

You made your, like, what I did was I acted out.

So I was, dude, I was an animal.

I mean, I was drinking at like 12.

I would get hammered at 12.

I would

bring like pellet guns to school.

Like, I was shooting bottle rocket charges.

Oh, I was being, I would like, I liked to get fucked up, but I liked being funny.

Me too.

Yeah.

That was my thing was like, I'll disrupt to be funny.

You want the attention, but you'd also.

Yeah, I was the whole thing.

I was.

Oh, my God.

I got suspended in fourth grade because we were learning acronyms and onomatopoeias.

and we were supposed to do an acronym of an onomonopoeia so i was doing like barf and poop and i was like making all these like long they were hilarious oh yeah and then my mom i got suspended my mom's like a single mom she had to take off work to come and get me at school and she was like what and they showed her all the drawings and i just remember her being like oh god that's great all right well you're not allowed to play that was you that was that was the way you

dude i remember i spit a spitball at the teacher and they kept missing and then one it just came i'll never forget dude mr howard i don't know if he passed rest of soul if he did.

Dude, I'm sixth grade, and this fucking spitball does a curve and it sticks on his cheek while he's yelling at us.

And the whole fuck, everybody fell out.

Come on.

And

my mom got the report, and my mom tried to disciplining me, and she burst out laughing.

That's fair.

Because it just went like this, and it stuck.

And he's like, who's doing it?

And he was like talking with it, with it right there.

And they put me in detention.

And I had to write why I did it, how I did the whole thing.

And my mom was just laughing.

But I would do that just for that laugh.

It was nothing else but to get that fucking crowd going.

There's not, I have yet to write a closer that hits half as hard as the joke that would get me kicked out in the hallway.

Yeah.

Where I would fucking hit one and they'd be like, hallway, and you're like, all right, that's my time.

I gotta go.

I'll see you guys at Fifth Period Lunch.

Don't forget to stop by my locker.

I'm handing out stickers.

You know, like, really feel like that was like my first closer.

You're selling zinger merch?

Yeah, I know.

God, everyone, this is Miss Suku is a bitch.

You can buy this at

my locker.

You know what I mean?

Go to dansoder.com for us.

Just

in the early 90s, just being like, hey guys, I'm selling slap bracelets that say I'm out in the hall.

So I'll see you guys out there.

My mom's like, Dan, what are you doing?

I don't know, Trish, I'm making $700 a day.

Kept out in the hallway.

No, no, no, no, I just got us cable.

So what do you want to do?

Your buddies running your merch table?

Who wants dance?

I got, dude, Scott the captain said, we're fucking cleaning up.

It's just me and my boys got a little pill.

He's like, yeah, he's like, yeah, that's the way to go.

So

was your mom light on you because of what happened a little bit?

Like,

Oh, no,

my mom was like, you're going to behave.

My mom was raised Irish Catholic.

So she's like, you behave.

My mom.

But my mom appreciated my sense of humor.

Yeah.

So it wasn't stifled.

My mom knew I was funny, but it was the thing that most of us hear.

There's a time and a place.

Yeah.

That's always what I was.

And I did have a stepfather that definitely helped.

Yeah.

You know, but I.

I had a rotating cast.

Yeah.

You know, we had a bullpen.

Yeah, yeah.

So depending on who it was, we're bringing the closer.

Shout out Nick, who was my stepdad for a little bit.

And then there were a couple other guys.

It's like a sitcom where they replaced a guy that liked in the same role.

Dude, I honestly would tell you right now, it was like my mom was the head coach and we got different coordinators.

You know, I'd be like, I don't like this coordinator.

I don't like what he calls.

I don't like it.

My mom goes, I understand, but we're like, we're losing these coordinators.

They're talking about your mom like she's a franchise.

I'm like, dude, did you hear what happened with the

Nick, dude?

Trish is letting her go.

They go, I heard she's on the look for a new coordinator.

I go, honestly, there was a guy that I hoped gets bumped.

Buzz?

I wouldn't mind Buzz being my stepdad.

He's a mechanic.

I'll learn.

Dude, Bob's going to the soda house.

It's pretty big, dude.

Picked him up from down the street.

This is pretty big.

Listen, he's got well-adjusted.

He's a good role.

I think he's going to call a different place for Dan.

I was just going to do that.

I can open up my playbook with this.

This kid's got voices.

This kid mows the lawn already.

Oh, that's great.

You're one of the best, dude.

You're the best.

This was easy as fuck.

I mean, I can't even believe.

Yeah.

Check out his

reasonable man, dude.

It's doing great on YouTube, man.

Check it out.

YouTube, it's on YouTube right now.

So all you have to do is click, smash that like button and click.

It's in the description of this episode.

Watch Paul Versee.

He's fucking hilarious.

He's, I've known you forever.

Yeah.

I remember podcasting with you in your car when the Giants played the Niners in like 2010.

I remember that.

The 2011 NFC Championship game.

Yeah.

So it's always great.

We've always been friends.

You've always been one of my favorites.

And love it.

You're the best.