52: Meat Smasher with Beth Stelling | Soder Podcast | EP 52

This November, I got a badass show that I'm very excited about with few tickets left.

Town Hall for New York Comedy Festival, November 8th at 9.45 p.m.

Town Hall, go get tickets right now.

There's a few remaining.

Let's fill it up.

I'm very excited for that show.

And then the next night, we're doing Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Two shows at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

First show, completely sold out.

Second show, lots of tickets available.

Go to the late show.

If you don't have your tickets yet, go check out the late show.

It is November 9th at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

The 730 is sold out.

The 930 is very on sale.

Tampa, Florida.

I hope you're okay after the hurricane.

We're coming down there in November.

November 15th, excuse me, November 14th through the 16th.

I will be at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa.

I hope you're all right.

And if everything's okay, come on out and we'll have a laugh.

DanceOder.com.

That's where you find me.

I'm trying new catchphrases.

Does this work?

That's where you'll find me.

I think that sucks.

Did you have that growing up where you like, I'm going to be crazy?

I'm going to do something crazy.

You don't seem sometimes.

I feel like, do I have memories?

Really?

Yeah.

Sometimes I'm just sort of like, well, is there things that have happened to me so bad I've locked away the rest of it?

You go, am I a clone?

Yeah, I'm just like, I, you know, I'm trying to think, yes, I did pink hair at one time.

Okay.

Yes, I did.

That's a bold move.

Visited my dad in Orlando.

My parents are divorced, obviously.

I forgot your dad's in Orlando, dad.

He was in Orlando.

We were, you know, had to go visit him as kids, me and my two older sisters, because it was court ordered.

Oh, really?

So he won, was it that the court rewarded him or the court punished him?

I mean, what was it?

Was it like the court going, like, you're going to see your fucking kids?

No, the court gave him custody because he fought for it, but he

shouldn't have.

No, but that's good.

He shouldn't have.

I'm just telling you, as someone whose father didn't want to be involved,

where you feel forced on, congrats.

You know, where they're like, no, we're sending them to you.

Yeah.

And you're dealing with them for three weeks.

See, that is a way worse feeling.

Oh, for sure.

That's what I'm saying.

But your dad's like.

But that's why you're probably, you know, in some way or another, people please, or you're amenable.

You're like, I'm going to, I'll fit it right into this little spot right here and I'm not going to disturb.

And you're nailing why I never shave half my head.

Because I'm like, guys, I'm not a problem.

Like, I was the kid at sleepovers where they were like,

is Dan still here?

And they go, I guess you could sleep on the couch.

And I go, that's.

Better.

It's better than I expected.

I don't need to be down there with you guys in the bags.

No, you guys have your sleeping.

I don't need to bond.

I will go to the garage.

If you want me, I will sleep with your parents.

I can clean up.

I'm in between your parents.

I remember like cleaning up at sleepovers, like helping clean up, being like, I got this.

You got to get this.

I feel like I was,

I don't know.

These are the times where I actually need to phone a friend and be like, what was I like?

Well, do your sisters ever tell you that?

You're two older sisters?

Yeah, I mean, I was definitely a little shit.

You're the youngest.

Yeah.

Comics, they say, are always the baby or only child, baby, or the oldest.

Yes.

But mostly baby and only child.

Yeah, mostly baby.

Yeah, the baby, because you're like, I'm the baby.

Gotta love me.

You're the dinosaurs.

Yeah, you're the little bit.

Oh, it was great.

Gotta love me.

And it was all puppets.

It was all actual puppets.

And like skin-like.

Yeah.

The baby was like with the teeth.

You saw the texture and you're like, why do I want to touch it?

But I don't want to touch it.

Yeah.

So you were the baby.

What's the distance in you and your older sister?

Three years.

and six years.

Okay, so the one that's six year was like no time for Beth.

Oh, she would say things like, I'm never having kids.

Because of you, because of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Little shit.

I remember one time I stabbed her with a pencil and then go,

like, I knew I was going to get in trouble.

I was like, no, no,

I immediately started crying.

That's awesome.

You go, I can't be in trouble because I'm the victim.

But you stabbed your sister.

Like, what the hell?

It was still like a little piece of lead in there.

That's so great.

Did you scratch her face?

I remember my, we had a stepdad for a stint.

Okay.

And he tied a bolt to a string from a beam in the basement for the cat to hit.

Yeah.

And I

right at her.

Little blood right here for sure.

Really?

Did you think it was funny?

Again, it's the immediate, oh no, I'm going to get punished.

But at that moment where you flicked it, you go, this would be hilarious.

Yes.

Nailed her with the bolt.

Yes.

I did all,

I remember I would do things like piss my pants to make them laugh.

Who didn't?

I just

can I just say the bravery

because I did that once and it got a laugh, but the horror that follows the laugh is not worth the laugh.

You almost learn your limitations right there.

It's not too dissimilar from like, oh, first time at SeaWorld, let's go to Shamu first.

And the rest of the day,

and you're like, oh, God, I just want to be able to do that.

And I'll be like, I should have never done that.

Why were we in the splash zone?

Why would I go to the splash zone right away?

It's it's it's it's your pants at the end of the day when you're going home yeah when you're gonna get that fresh for all you young kids watching this podcast

it's the closer

piss your pants is how you close close on pissing your pants because dude i remember my friend byron lived around the corner for me and we were in like seventh grade and like all the neighborhood kids are hanging out we're like being silly and i go what if i just pissed my pants and they're like you wouldn't it was like summer and i just started pissing and they were like you wouldn't they go, ah!

And then I remember it was just one kid goes,

and then you go, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Trying to control the room.

No, it's hilarious because someone said I would never do it.

And then, dude, just being like, having to fight the rumors at the bus stop when school starts, we're like, Byron said you pissed your pants this summer.

And you're like, I did it as a bit.

I know.

It was a joke.

It was a fucking doing that as a little kid.

It was a fucking joke.

Okay.

You don't get it.

I will say the immediate lesson learned, though, is probably the most.

It's the haunting part of it.

For example, I

used to do a lot of things for laughs, bodily humor.

I one time ate a stick of butter for two minutes because it'd make my friend's older brother laugh.

I ate a dog bone at my sister's party.

I ate a milk bone.

Same.

I mean, we are, we would have been a killer comedy girl.

We would have had the nasty boys.

The nasty boys, we would have, we would have, in middle school, we would have cleaned up at a bus stop.

Stelling and Soder, they'd be like, good luck following it.

By the way, they both pissed at the same time.

I'm queefing on demand.

I'm farting out the back.

She's farting out the front.

We got a whole fucking thing going.

We lifted up our stomachs and be like, boo!

Bus kid gross.

Like that bus pulls away, and they're like, those kids are going to do something.

By the way, child protective services would absolutely go to both the Stelling and Soder households and be like, we got to check out on these kids.

But you are in that that age of middle school.

You are going for what can make people laugh.

Yes.

And it was,

there's a crossover that probably happens, I think, sooner for girls, which is like, you guys can go longer without hitting puberty and sort of fake it.

For us, it's very clear that you don't have tits.

And that was like something I wanted so bad.

I was like so flat for so long.

I was a gymnast.

Were you, how long, how old are you or a gymnast still?

I think I actually stopped in sixth grade, but the tits, the side effect of no tits lasted lasted for crazy.

They pushed that period down on gymnastics.

I didn't get one until ninth grade.

Yeah.

Was that how I'm a guy?

I probably could have been having sex without any protection.

That's crazy.

Just raw dogged me.

I don't get my period yet, so we don't got to use it.

Smoked it already.

So disgusting.

Nature hasn't kicked in.

You can blast off in me if you want.

Grade Marlborough.

Yeah, yeah.

So what's the normal age for a period?

Well, now they say like kids are getting it in fifth grade because the middle has hormones and stuff.

Shout out science.

Thanks for pressing the fast forward button.

Exactly.

So, some people, and even back then, I remember like the earliest I'd heard was fifth.

That's really soon.

Yeah, that's got to be scary.

Yes, you're like, oh, no, that's something you would almost hide.

Like, oh my God, I'm bleeding.

I'm not going to tell my mom.

Yeah.

She thinks I'm dying.

Man, you know,

boys are so lucky that we don't have that moment where all of a sudden our shit just starts bleeding at school and you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, got to find a fit.

You got to get a little blood in your hand and leave a path to the death room.

Yeah, it looks like Desperado when Anthony...

But there is when he's walking along the wall.

It's just streaking.

The blood spots to follow soda laying in a pool.

Yeah.

No, I'm just kidding.

My pussy's bleeding.

Get up.

We're just doing bits.

Who's not doing that bit?

That's a good bit.

It's a good bit.

Again, all the children that watch.

Get your periods.

Drip, drip, drip to the bathroom.

Leave a little mystery trail.

All the children who are watching out there.

Find out who's going to be a detective at your school.

See who

follow the blood

follow the blood when you were doing uh gymnastics yeah did it get to a point where it was like too competitive yes okay so i started in first grade which you could almost argue is a little late really funny thing about so many of these things that that people master so early i was like going for a drug at the track the other day and i saw a guy he had put one of those harnesses on his daughter who looked i'm bad at ages five sure and she's like running

and then they start this was at like a high school that I was running around the track in LA.

See training a five-year-old.

For real.

And at first I was like, what?

You know, like, that's nuts.

But then I'm thinking, I don't know.

There's so many arguments about like what you're supposed to, like the lines with your children, you know, like what's too soon or even more controversial topics.

But it's like,

I don't know.

Did they express an interest in soccer or are you forcing it on them until they say no?

Also, it's like weird to be like, yeah, my first grader has an explosiveness to her because we're using shoot training at the high school.

Right.

She runs with a parachute every Saturday.

Exactly.

It's like when you're little, you just want to run around.

Right.

I don't want to put a parachute on your kid.

I think that's like, I think a lot of that is adults living through their children.

I think earliest version of it.

If they're getting in that soon, because I definitely express interest in it.

That's why my mom, my mom's a freak, was a teacher.

Yeah.

And she didn't tell me at the time, but later I found out she like dipped into her savings so that I could do gymnastics.

So you wanted to do it bad.

I did.

And also I was like an ADHD kid, which of course I didn't find out.

Like it was too long.

It was told to me way too late.

And I oh, now that I don't have to take tests?

Exactly.

Thanks.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was making, so got a lot of talks too much, got a lot of can't sit still, is finishing her work than annoying other people.

Sounds like a write-up from me.

Yeah.

Except I never finished my work.

I go right to go from picking glue off my hand to annoying my classmates.

What are you doing?

Cut copy?

Cut copy.

Oh, God.

Cover cement smells so good.

Oh, my God.

But just pouring glue on your hand and letting it dry and then being like, I'm lucky I don't do meth.

I mean, that's like why you smoke meth.

It's a project.

You just pick glue off your hand, but it's actually your real skin.

That's what it is.

So when you were like, so you annoyed your mom about it.

I expressed the interest.

I was.

It sounds like you more than express the interest.

Yes, I really wanted to do it.

She sacrificed things so that I could do it.

Did your sisters do it?

No.

They did ballet and I couldn't, I didn't like it.

So everything that they did, I either failed at or I wasn't good at.

I remember like being scared to go into ballet.

It just wasn't my thing.

Yeah.

So my sisters were kind of two peas in a pod.

They're like, I don't know, I forget.

Two years apart.

16 months apart or something or 18 months.

Irish twins, huh?

Yeah, they're close.

Okay.

I guess maybe it's a little longer, 79.

And yeah, who cares?

Point is close.

And I was never really doing what they were doing.

The gymnastics,

I was like ripped as a kid.

You know what I'm saying?

Like third grade, I've got to do it.

No body fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you can do like crazy flips.

I could do push-ups.

I could do sit-ups.

I'm trying to think about the most impressive things.

You know, climb a rope in a warehouse and ding a bell at the top of my head.

Never made it to the top.

Yeah.

I mean, that was a source of pride because that was like a big deal because it's also scary to get up that high.

And they weren't.

I can't believe they let us do it.

I know.

With no support, with no harnesses.

Yeah.

How did a kid not just fall out the sky?

I don't know.

Imagine being a gym teacher and you're like talking to another kid.

You go, Reese, and then just see the kid go,

and you you go, oh,

are you all right?

Dude, Vecchion and I.

It's usually because the mats in gym are like that thick.

At least at the gymnastics place, they've got some big eight-inch ones.

Vecchion and I belong to a gym in Queens where we lived together.

He was a long time.

I love him.

Oh, he's great.

He was just on the podcast.

Okay.

We were at a gym in Astoria called The Rock.

Welcome to the Rock.

And they had a rock climbing wall.

Never saw anybody use it in the six years I went there.

And one time I'm just like working out, it's like a fucking Wednesday afternoon, and all of a sudden, in the corner of my eye, I just see a guy go.

And a guy didn't sign up, didn't tell the gym he was going to climb, just started climbing the rock wall and got high up and didn't know how to get down and fell down.

Not in the not even into the cubes of foam, no cubes of foam, those thin there were like those thin mats stacked.

They had to get an ambulance and pull him out on a stretcher.

It was wild, And I was like, I think I was like doing something like curls or something.

So I'm like,

and then it's just like,

you just see him fucking eat it.

I think Vecchion was at the gym that day too, because we were like, that was fucking wild.

Because you can't react to that.

No, you can't.

You're not supposed to laugh.

I would love to know how many gym teachers have watched kids go like, oh, he's going all the way.

Oh, shit.

I know.

How was there not?

Are they catching him?

Yeah.

I mean, to try to get under him?

I feel like the smart kid is knowing they should hold on and just suffer the rope burns.

Yeah.

Yeah, just come down to the

bottom.

So you were good at that.

Okay, so yes, I actually was good at gymnastics, but it wasn't, I wasn't good enough.

Like,

I made the team.

Do you remember the girl's name that was good enough?

Do you remember who was really good?

I know.

I'm trying to think of some of that.

I used to.

You're right.

Andrea.

I'd like go back and think of like.

I sucked at baseball, but like the Nunes twins were like so.

They were so good.

They felt, they were younger than me, but they felt like men.

You're like, you guys can hit home runs and shit.

I am obviously an okay fielder, horrible at the plate.

There's also dynamics of those teams.

Yeah.

Like, did they like you?

I was funny, but I sucked.

So it was tough.

Okay.

I was in middle school.

That's the thing I was trying to figure out, like, even still when I enter a new situation.

Like.

Being funny is very valuable.

Yes.

It's an icebreaker.

As an adult, though, I think as I've made it my career, I feel like maybe I've grown a little more shy.

To be funny.

As an adult.

Just, it comes out of me eventually.

But I think as an adult that I've made comedy my career, I'm a little shy outside of it.

I don't know.

It's like a weird side effect.

Yeah.

Do you think you were more like brazen when you were in like...

Yes.

Well, you were pissing your pants.

I was pissing my pants and eating dog bones.

I mean, the pissy pants twins.

We're on tour.

We're on tour.

You can come watch us.

No diapers necessary.

It's all for the laugh.

So when you're doing gymnastics, at what, do you remember the point where you're like, I'm done doing this?

It was like I was getting taller.

I started being like, I don't know if I'll ever do those types of routines on the balance beam.

The balance beam really held me up because I learned how to do a cartwheel, which was hard enough.

But enough times where you do a backwalk over or any sort of jump in the air and you're landing on a beam like this right on your crunch, it's like, I don't know how many times I can do that.

I saw that at the Olympics a couple times.

This is what I'm saying.

The beam was the scariest thing for me.

I really like the bars.

I like the floor.

But I know they make a big deal of guys getting kicked in the dick all the time, but smashing your puss on a bar, it has to hurt.

Yes, and it did.

I remember going to the bathroom after it and seeing, like, I remember going, Did I get my period?

Like, I thought that's how it worked.

Like, I banged it up so hard.

Oh, yeah, now you knock it off.

I'm not saying there was blood, but I was like, if did that make me get my period?

That's what I thought.

Having a bruised puss comes out.

Oh, my God.

Because look, it's a bone.

It's a bone.

Also, you got the, you got the lit, you know,

you got meat before it, so you're smashing meat.

Yeah.

Boy or girl, you're smashing your meat.

A balance beam is a meat smasher.

That's what they should call it.

It is.

Fuck a balance beam.

Call it what it is.

It's a meat smasher.

Yeah, so it was like, I was good, but yeah, I was getting taller.

I had the fear in me, which made me feel uncomfortable because it's like, I want to be fearless.

I want to be this good.

So would you see girls?

Skills were getting higher and higher, and I thought, I don't know if I can hack that.

Would you like the bars?

Yes, I did the bars.

The routine was more like

kip glides up, like casting, which is like your feet up up and then around like you do surf you do the around a giant is when you are fully extended and you see them go around the big and they kind of like they'll they'll kind of pike a little bit and then go up yeah i did those with a spot that was never something i yeah but that was never

i still got to do it and then i would do a flip off one flip versus double twist don't give a shit that's sick yeah that's still cool and you know i liked the floor so much because i could do backhand spring backhand spring you know back backflip, back spring.

To music.

Yes, right?

And you had things.

Do a couple steps.

It's always so measured.

I finally noticed that's how you do your jokes.

Like you're about to do a thing.

You go.

Dating's weird.

Get into it.

Before I go on stage, like side stage, nobody sees me, but I go like this.

You chalk.

Hello?

You chalk?

And he goes, my butt chilling.

Let's do this.

So was your mom, I mean, she spends savings on you.

Yeah.

Was she bummed out when you're like, I don't want to to do gymnastics anymore?

I think after spending approximately 11 hours at a meet on a Saturday, she was like, I think that's okay for me to stop.

She's like, I want a new TV.

Yeah.

She goes, absolutely.

Retire.

And then also,

you know, there are certain sports that are going to be for rich kids.

Like

that cost money for the leotards or the equipment or the sticks or whatever it is.

So, yeah, the long meet, my sisters came to one.

They were like, bye.

That's so funny.

And then ballet, they're like, at least you could see a show.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And so it was just sort of like everyone accepted that I was like kind of getting too tall and a bit of a, frankly, wuss to do some of the bigger things.

But then you're also becoming a lady.

Yeah.

And you didn't want to.

And I was like, maybe now I'll get my period if I stop doing gymnastics.

Because I feel like with gymnasts, they're like 17 and they're like, I'm 17 years old and I'm from Duluth, Minnesota.

And you're like, you're not.

You are being pushed down.

You are being like.

Kept in a jar.

It's yeah.

And they're like, no lady time for you do you think those girls when they get their period they like get their period they're like because it's just it's just gushing it's a geyser and they're shot to the ceiling

their ovaries and uteral lining are like whoa

no honestly i feel like it's like stone soup like just squeezing a little blood out of them it's just one by one i thought it would be like you know on snow where they put a tube up their sleeve to throw up

that that happens when they say, I'm officially retired from gymnastics.

And I'm no longer going to be a gymnast.

I need to suck a gig.

I'm bleeding.

But that's the thing.

I had an eight-pack in pecs, you know?

Where are the tits going to come in?

You had Sarah Connor body.

You're ready to fight a Terminator.

I was ripped.

I did, you know, desperately want boobs and boys' attention.

I mean, but, but then you also hear the opposite side of it is like girls who get boobs when they're young, like big boobs, they're like, it's like a nightmare, it's like a beacon for every boy.

It's like zombies.

It's that point in the movie where all the zombies look and realize you're a human.

All the boys are like, oh, oh.

Also,

did you guys do this, like the room?

So we had seventh through 12th grade in the same building, which is

wild.

Oh, terribly unhealthy.

That's unhealthy.

That's like,

that's all kinds of stats stuff.

I mean, stash pet.

i mean stash to the max i know friends 12s and eight like what was the i'm dating a senior it's like what yeah you don't even know multiple kids should be around each other she's just dating a senior she's like ah

okay all right okay yeah anyways we're going to homecoming

yeah it's fucking wild i remember when i was in high school the hottest girl like um Katie and I were just talking about this.

Like when you go to high school, there's like rumors of how hot girls are from other middle schools.

That's what like boys talk about.

Hey, we got an incoming.

And they were like, this girl, Angie, was like talked about.

Like, we go to the movies.

Like, that was kind of like the first celebrity.

What do you guys love to know?

I know.

She follows me on Instagram.

She like likes posts of mine.

I became friends with her in high school.

I genuinely was like excited by that.

But she

Angie follows young.

It's pretty crazy.

I feel like I got to take my shoes off just so I can get, I got to get comfortable.

Get comfortable.

Not, you know.

Also, I feel like...

All those kids watching, they don't have foot fetishes yet.

Okay, so don't worry about it.

That's also socks on.

bunch of guys a bunch of grown men watching this when you said socks went oh god damn it

i thought we

were listening and they went to youtube never mind yeah this dude i'm gonna go listen to something else but i remember in middle school like

the hype of

girls from other schools all of a sudden it smells like bree cheese i can't smell so you can fucking let it loose

you can fart around me

you can't smell at all at all i talk about it a lot on stage i wait maybe you mentioned i talked about it last night Yeah.

I can't talk about it.

I mean, I mean, I can't smell.

I can't smell at all.

Katie's like.

I was like,

no, it was COVID.

It was COVID.

It didn't come back.

No, but I'm fine with it.

I don't care.

I don't really get it.

Honestly, if I was...

It was very dull before COVID.

Yeah, as your girlfriend, I'd be like, no, yeah, I just showered.

Everything's cool.

Oh, no, Katie,

I told her.

There became a point where I go, you can fart.

Like, I don't.

That's great.

It does nothing.

It's purely funny.

I like it.

It's like purely funny.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

So when you're in middle school and you like quit gymnastics, what's crazy is like girls getting boobs changed,

like that changes, that like has to change your life.

But the jealousy.

Oh, God.

I was so jealous of these girls.

You do exactly.

You almost had names.

Ashley.

Ashley.

She's

still hot, but yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, but speaking of her, sorry.

And now you find out she has like spina bifida.

She's like, she's doing great.

Because she had giant tails.

I think she's actually an agent.

Sorry for this.

That's so funny.

Why?

Sorry?

We were talking about that.

Yeah, we're talking about great boobs.

Okay, but do you guys do this?

The rumors of hookups and stuff.

And one of the rumors was like, did you hear like,

like, Ryan sucked Tina's tits?

That was like a rumor of like, like,

sucking.

I remember French kissing being like, they, they sucked.

They Frenched.

And you're like, the tit-sucking thing in my, like, for my mom, what are we talking about?

You also don't realize how close you are to sucking your mom's tits.

like you're so you're so close to that that you're like what do you do in seventh grade

because like i can't imagine being a little boy and like how do you suck tits as a little boy like you don't even know you don't know what you're doing like as a man you know how to slap them around if i can get in there but like as a little boy you're not like

that's got to be weird

i was always like um

I in seventh grade, and I had a bid on my HBO special is true.

I used to like play with action figures still and smoke cigarettes.

I know, I love that.

There's this weird cross section where you're like, I'm doing adult shit,

but I'm a little boy.

Exactly.

There is that, yes.

Yeah.

For example, we were, my dad would somehow let me get like Cosmo magazine or something.

Crazy.

And Big Lake Chew.

And it just got two bags in the kitchen if you want.

Because it feels weird picking up your American girl doll after reading an article on how to touch the perineum.

You know what I mean?

You're like, how to milk your man.

And then you're like, oh, baby little poopsie needs new shoes.

And you're like, that's that.

I mean, but that's how it was.

I was ripping a Marlboro red and being like, yeah, I think Tatanka's going to take on Undertaker.

And we really was like, that was like the real thing.

When I tell people that joke, it's like, no, it wasn't a joke.

That was really what I was doing.

I remember we were going,

like my friends were already, we were in middle school.

My friends were already starting to smoke weed.

And I remember we had a, we had a gate in my backyard.

My stepdad, before he left,

like made a gate in our back fence because my bus stop was right behind my house.

So instead of walking all the way around, he just like made this gate, this like tiny little gate in my back fence.

That's nice.

But then my friends found out about it and they were like, oh, can we cut through your house?

And I remember like, it wasn't even going to school.

We were like cutting through my house for something.

And I had...

a wicker basket filled with my guys all my guys and i had like a blanket over it

and fucking scott thompson shout out Scott Thompson.

I talked to him, lives in Seattle, comes out to the shows.

We're still buddies.

Thank you.

He saw like a leg of a toy and then went, Dan still plays with toys and spilled the whole thing in front of like all the cool kids.

And I went, oh, I think we're getting rid of those.

There's one in there for fake up.

And then they left and I was putting them back in.

I was like, I'm so sorry, guys.

I'll be back.

We're glad to hear that.

Sorry, we got a war to fight on the stairs later.

But I like, I hope, I'm so sorry.

But I remember being like, you are at this moment where you're, you're you're like wanting adulthood but you're also a kid so

and i had older sisters you you were only child so that that created probably more mystery yeah it was like a very

it was i think it created a lot of fear but i also think it created a lot of you guys had you you probably had your friends were like you know you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub and he's like what who told you that pour soda in the girl's pussy and then she can't get it'll and you're like that sounds horrible that science on that sounds rickety but i feel like older kids i don't know i i felt like maybe I had a little more knowledge, even though they're saying and doing dumb stuff too.

Yeah, but you watched them.

Yeah.

Especially your oldest sister.

Period-wise, for example, like we were talking about.

It's like at least I wasn't like, oh, what is this?

I tried to do things faster.

Like I shaved my legs in third grade and I started underneath the ankle bone.

Really?

I locked myself in the bathroom when my mom was like at some sort of conference.

And they took, you know, speaking of single mom and like we're working on a budget here.

We only had daisy razors.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Freaking plastic basically like a might as well have been a shard of glass how bad did you cut yourself oh so bad it started underneath here and went up no water no

you dry cut it i freaking basically committed suicide attempted suicide which sister found you megan she banged i locked myself in there banging on the door like let in just show us what it is i mean

when they show when you showed it to them were they like bang jesus christ and then of course i had this huge bandage to wear to school the next like week and people like what happened I'm like cut myself shaving There's like just one strip of hair missing the rest is just like a beast so funny.

I got caught in a bear trap cut myself shaving I was fucking running from the law in a bear trap coming with your sisters Did you feel comfortable like going to Megan and being like hey, when am I going to get my period?

Did you ever like check in with them like like a little like a manager like a house manager?

I know.

I'm trying to remember.

They definitely looked out for me.

Like they did cool stuff.

Megan's like was a senior when I was a seventh grader.

That's true.

And so some of her guy friends.

Yeah.

And some of her guy friends, like I remember Marty Coates, like shout out Marty Coates.

On my birthday of seventh grade, whatever that would have been, 13, 12.

12.

Yeah.

Walked me to my classes.

Like, he was so hot.

He was like a football player.

They made a sign from, like a locker sign with pennies taped to it.

Like my middle sister, Hannah's friends, Donnie Zumarsky, like made me this locker tag.

Crazy.

You know what I mean?

They were just like, they looked out for me.

I wasn't like an embarrassment to them.

I was kind of the funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're the mascot.

You're the mascot of the family.

Yeah.

I would do anything wild.

Like, this is bringing back memories.

Remember when you asked me, like, what do you remember?

I'm like, it's true.

I was wild.

Yeah.

You're a feral little kid and you're being funny.

Yeah.

So you, when you're funny, you get to be crazier.

I was wild.

People.

trust that where you're going is funny not like mentally disturbed they're not like oh this kid's fucked up they're like all right this kid's funny but like having that having that like like older kid i mean he's on the cusp of being 18 yeah and he like walks you to class and he's like have a good class and you're like thanks dream boat you know and it's just but like it's so funny because i've had friends with older siblings and they really do like they'll do a thing where they know you're a kid but they like treat you like oh watch out you're getting cute i might ask you to prom and then you're like this is all i'm gonna think about for exactly oh i'm just gonna be obsessed with this i'll be writing beth coates in my diary

his last name i wonder i wonder what we're going to be like when we're married.

Yes, I have such a crunch.

I have those diaries and they are disturbing.

Oh, you've, oh, I mean, I have to.

I have all of them.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's like says what I want.

There's also some disturbing things, of course, that are like, go tanning, lose weight.

Oh, dude, I've my mom.

Do crunches.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, oh, God.

I didn't have a diary, but my mom found these cards when she was cleaning out of like stuff that I used to tape up on my like corkboard or whatever.

And one of it, it was like, stop being so depressed.

And I was like,

I was like, what the fuck?

Dude, I think I have, I can find it pretty quick.

My mom was like, how, how sad were you?

And I was like, I didn't think that bad.

I don't know.

My mom was like, did I not give you a good life?

And you're like, no, you gave me a great life.

I have no idea.

Dude, my mom was like, I was cleaning this out and I found this.

And you're like, this is fucking wild.

It was just like these, these like handwritten note cards.

Because a diary, you find it and you're like, here we go.

Yeah, Scott Thompson isn't going to find that until everyone.

Scott Thompson, dude, shout out him for exposing my toys.

I don't know what you created in me.

I mean, there were so many freaking hilarious rumors, though, back then.

Like I said, the sucking test thing's kind of in the realm of like that makes sense.

I remember this rumor about one of the kids, because guys are starting to jerk off, was that he couldn't come unless he was by the window and ripped the shades up.

That was a rumor about a kid.

That was a rumor about the kid about the kids.

That's a fucking lines.

That's a very mature nut.

To have that be your activation,

pretty ripped about it.

Pretty sophisticated.

You got to be a real older purge.

Yeah, he's like, look at me, drink it off.

It's so funny when his mom's like, why are the blinds broken?

He goes, I don't know, but we're going to need new blinds by tomorrow.

I'm already full again.

Did you ever think?

Did you ever think like Megan's friends were going to like when he drops you off?

Like when Coates drops you off, are you like...

fine when coats drops you off are you like here we go yeah like this is if i look hot enough tomorrow they're you're telling me there's a chance yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna wear my wet sealed top that's a little bit lower and my mom's water bra

uh-oh looks like i just found a new husband and this kid's like to your sister he's like oh i'll hear this yeah yeah he's like all right come on man

i love you yes there was totally that feeling that i actually had a chance dude i remember my one of my best friends still to this day, Foojack, his older sister Sarah, she was only two years older than us, but in high school, that's might as well be a decade.

And her hot friends would come around and it would be like, I would try to be charming, but I was like

14.

And so you're just like, how are you doing?

And one of them goes, you don't stop talking, huh?

And I was like,

I remember specifically, we were...

I didn't get anybody a coke.

We were sitting in their basement and Sarah and her friend Jackie.

Oh, I got you.

Sorry, sorry.

I keep fooling with stuff.

You got it.

Sorry.

I'm a fidgeter.

Same here.

I fidget all the time.

You're good, like up?

You're perfect.

Okay.

Is that all right?

Sorry, everybody.

Shut the camera.

Because I don't care about politics.

So when you see friends of yours that don't care, they get into it.

You're like, what are you?

What are you doing?

Okay, so sorry.

But I remember sitting.

I did talk a lot.

Dude, I remember.

Okay.

There it is.

I remember specifically sitting in Fujak's basement with him, his sister Sarah, and her friend Jackie, who had a crazy big crush on him.

Huge crush on him.

It was like such a longing.

It was like, it overpowered everything.

At such a young age, you're like, I'll give you everything you want.

Exactly.

We had nothing to distract us.

Literally nothing.

You'd just be writing about it, thinking about them.

I'd be like, what you're going to wear.

Maybe at a house party, she'd be there.

I'd be like, oh, I think it's going to happen today.

And then she'd be like, hi.

And like you have no fucking idea but i remember we're sitting in the basement and i remember this very specifically they're like soda can't be around when it's quiet and then they were quiet and i would be like so what are you guys doing and they're like like laughing and i was like i love you so much but i just remember being because you're you you're like facing that thing of you're about to jump into being an adult.

It's crazy because you want it to happen so fast.

And then you become an adult and you're like, fuck, I wish I would have taken an extra lap.

lap also agreed and also just the way we grew up you know separate but similar in some ways which is like you are exposed to bigger ideas and new experiences that you wouldn't if you were in probably like the typical nuclear family where things were just sort of a little more steady easygoing yeah and so you do grow up i guess the term is you you know you grow up a little faster because you're exposed to life events you're seeing your mom go through things that people aren't seeing their mom go through oh and i'd go hang out with my dad and i would hear the way they talked my dad was just like no kid should have been around him yeah and then i would like go but i always remember i'm wearing bars with my dad and his like boots they're like we're gonna be right back while they go do the boot scooting boogie me and my sister are just like oh i'll go with my dad

orlando florida alone at the blackjack table that's so funny my dad was a bartender so i was just at the bar or he worked at a liquor store so i'd be at the liquor store so i was around the adults so i picked up how they talked but that was also very funny so i liked watching my dad be funny yeah i'd be like because you make me laugh and i wouldn't even know the jokes i know i would just be like oh that's i know that's funny yes i know it's like i can feel the timing of it so then i would come back and like be comfortable making my friend's parents laugh yes and you're like this little kid is like relating to me more yeah i remember feeling that with my best friend amanda's dad he was like just so tickled with me like because we connected well you're also like show an adult your sense of humor and they go like oh you're funny and i've seen that with my friend's kids yeah yeah where i've been like oh your kid's funny like your kid understands jokes because i'll be like

and you're like yeah

you know and i think like when you when that happens when you like learn how to socialize with adults when you're a kid you want the kid thing to be over faster yeah that's what fucks me the feeling is really cool i would feel a little cringe watching myself like we obviously couldn't afford a camcorder so i'm not like watching home videos i have none but i think it would be cringe to see myself but at the time i was killing And it gave me the confidence I needed to probably go on to be a comic.

Oh, for sure.

And I was so outgoing.

That's why I'm saying I'm being more shy as an adult.

It's strange for me.

But that's true.

Because I was so outgoing.

When you had to give your little name acronym thing, it'd be like, bombastic, exciting, you know, tenacious.

Dude, how are we working?

Let me get a voice off in school.

Let me get one of my voices off and not get in trouble.

I lived in the hallway.

I bet.

I lived.

Go sit out in the hallway.

I fucking, if I knew something killed if I got sent to the hallway.

Yeah.

I'd be like, that's a closer, baby.

I can't fucking follow this.

Follow this with social studies.

You dorky bitch, Miss Suker.

You can't even follow how funny I am.

We were, but we were doing a lot of references, I think.

Like, like, I think now

there is such a difference because what we've done is become comics with original material.

Sure.

That's actually a way I've gotten through to my dad because he does a lot of still trying to like repeat stuff or movie coach.

Yeah, and I'm sort of like, so I actually got through to him recently, and it has, he's forever changed.

Really?

Yeah, I said, because he'll talk to me and have respect for my job.

And I'll be like, but you know what I do is like, it's from my head.

I make it up.

I make it.

And he's like, oh, yeah.

I never thought about it like that.

Because we did get those laughs.

And I'm not shading it, but it's like, are you the funniest in your group?

Because you're being like, you're my boy, Blue.

Or, you know, like.

But I also think sometimes people criticize, like, they'll be like, little kids aren't funny anymore.

But then I saw like little kids, a big trend with younger kids was doing that sex.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know.

And I immediately was like, I would have done that.

I would have been all over that in seventh grade.

I would have been in math class being like,

I probably did that.

And I would have been like,

fucking killing.

Of course.

I used to make myself pass out to make kids laugh.

Oh, that thing?

Yeah.

And I've chosen it.

Yeah.

I remember I woke up.

I did this all the time.

Oh, the DXL.

I did it all the time.

I remember making myself pass out and getting up and being like,

i remember in chemistry class they had different colors things of uh in the test tubes

dude just did shots just down the line also great preview for a uh up-and-coming alcoholic where you're like because i remember being like they were like you don't even know what's in there and i was like brother you don't know my family we could walk through liquid

but it is you and like so what's interesting is like you were talking about how you were like wanting boobs so bad.

Yeah.

Do you think you were more jealous of girls that got boobs in middle school or people getting deals in comedy?

What jealousy-wise, what do you feel like?

Like the same way when you came to school after summer and you noticed, you know,

Tiffany

came with boobs,

or when you went on your phone and saw a deadline article where you go like, I got a pilot every day it's like what oh that's all that's all being comedy being a comic in the age of social media is just waiting for boobs yeah watching everyone get giant man I wanted tits they go these fucking

waiting for tits for so long I wanted the tits I don't know who's gonna use them

I don't even know what to do with those tits oh by the way those tits are gonna be gone everybody

but they uh yeah I mean like the jealousy I think it was boobs I mean it's gotta be.

Because as comics, all we can do is, like, you know, I think we have pretty good attitudes.

It's one of those things where I'm like,

obviously, I would like certain things.

I think that's every business.

Every business, like, people want a promotion.

They want, like, but it is frustrating to see, of course, sometimes you have you, your goal is to be like, eh, there's room for everybody.

But yeah, sometimes when you see a deadline article for somebody or they win an award and you're like, what?

What the fuck?

What?

That's what I imagine, and I'm not on it, but that's what I imagine what LinkedIn's LinkedIn's like.

Like LinkedIn, you're like, he's a fucking CFO.

That fucking guy sucked when he was group project manager.

I know, I was just gonna say, all they did was stay after class and kiss the professor's ass.

That's all, like, LinkedIn would drive me nuts if I wasn't in comedy.

That's like our, that's their instant.

Like, if you work an office job or in a corporation and you're on LinkedIn, you're like, this fucking guy got a promotion.

This fucking guy.

CFO won't promote it.

But just know, your tits are coming.

Your skin is

Your boobs are about to pop out.

Keep eating cornbread.

I also think that's got to be a weird thing for a little girl to be like, I want boobs.

And then what if you get like giant tits?

And you're like, stop.

Be careful what you ish for.

Stop.

Caesar cubes.

Oh, my God.

Like, just keep growing.

I mean, I really did.

I joke about it, but I say I grew my boobs in college with ice cream.

And I mean, like, I did technically.

It is weight.

It is fat.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

But it took a while because the gymnastics really tamped him down.

I mean, they just pushed you.

Yeah, they're like, no,

these packs were just keeping him back.

Jacked.

Yeah.

Like, I don't nobody feels safe with Beth.

Very safe.

She had a giant scar on her leg.

Any sniff of a fire, I'm carrying my mom out over my shoulder.

You go, uh, Janimi, get up on that third level with no stairs.

Yeah.

The core strength on Stelling is fucking unbelievable.

Now, when you got into field hockey, did you feel like that scratched the itch that gymnastics left?

It was actually, so the interim sport, or some people arguing that, was cheerleading because I was still able to tumble.

So this is the funniest part.

And you were in a pom-pom.

No, I was the only one who could tumble.

So literally at seventh grade basketball games because I stopped in sixth grade when I was like, I can't hack it like that.

I would go out and do like six back handsprings.

Sick.

And then the girls on my team afterwards who couldn't tumble would be like, yeah, after me.

Like I'd go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, into the center and then be like, yes.

Your MVP.

Yeah.

I felt very comfortable.

Because they really did.

They were like.

Still no tits.

So I didn't have as much bargaining power as I wanted.

But they don't, you don't give a shit.

But I was out there.

Yeah.

I was doing back handsprings.

Yeah.

You're cheerleading.

So that was my transition into feeling that sort of like, oh, well, this translates to something.

I belong.

I have currency.

Yes.

Yeah.

But then it became like I wanted to play field hockey and I couldn't cheer for the sports that conflicted with the fall team.

And then I wanted to do speech and debate, the speech humorous category.

So then I couldn't cheer for basketball.

So cheerleading was kind of short-lived.

And then all those other girls were like, fuck, we got to learn how to tumble.

Oh, fuck.

They were like, thankfully she's gone.

We don't have to do that anymore.

They'd be like,

Beth, do your thing.

And they're like, great, go.

That's so funny.

You did all the work with the group project.

You did all the work with the group project.

I was kind of like that.

So when you get to field hockey and you play it, does it feel like, oh, I finally found my place?

Yes, I love field hockey.

I started in third grade.

Oh, damn.

On the floor.

Like, we played on the gym floor first, like, sort of.

So you're doing gymnastics and field hockey.

Yes.

And that was like, I think that was winter when we started in third grade.

And that was actually the thing that I followed my sisters in because they kind of would do a lot of the same things, but that was the one thing we all did.

Was field hockey.

So the Stellings were a field hockey person.

We were.

And it all actually kind of started because Megan didn't make the soccer team, which was kind of the popular thing at the time.

Like to make the soccer team in the 90s, it was like the big deal.

Dude, soccer in the 90s.

Yes.

And it's popular now.

And I understand it's popular now.

But fucking soccer in the 90s, Umbro and Adidas, Umbro Shorts.

Exactly.

And fucking Adidas were like top tier.

Like soccer, for me, like middle school, in the beginning of high school, soccer was like the biggest.

And then if you played football, it was like, football took over.

But soccer was so fucking big.

I bet middle school's always big for soccer.

I bet through that.

I think so.

And if you think about it too, it's nice because it just requires the ball.

Like anybody can kind of show up and kick it around.

Buy shin guards, fleets, and you get a soccer ball and you can play it.

So Megan didn't make it.

She didn't make it.

And she was like, okay, then I'll try it for the field hog team.

And she ended up being really great.

She was good at it, but also ended up being the team captain.

She did,

what was it called?

Futures.

I think she thought about playing in college, but didn't.

Both my sisters went to Ohio University.

And I was like again, I was the

one

outlier.

but um where'd you go I went to Miami of Ohio Miami University Red Hawk

so you had bop those are rivals aren't I'm actually gonna commentate on the final game of the season when I go home to play the Victoria Theater November you're gonna be in the booth I'm excited ask Katie for some tips I should she was in a booth for Apple Plus for baseball yeah I'm gonna need some yeah she'll tell you yeah I played and then I thought about playing in college I ended up just playing club because I was again a theater major and so it was like in college did you know that I didn't know you were a theater major.

Last minute, yeah.

I was like, I'm gonna do theater.

Theater kids and band kids.

It's like Sodom and Gomorrah, dude.

They were just fucking

dude.

Band kids and theater kids.

Oh, my God.

Mine was speech and death.

I played football and I got no pussy.

I mean, I sucked the football as well.

Yeah, because you had to find a location to take them.

With the theater, with the speech and debate kids, they put us in a hotel.

We would travel for the weekend and be in a block of hotel rooms.

You think we're not sneaking to each other's rooms?

And they know how to talk you into stuff.

Yes.

Are you

Speech and debate, they're like, a hand job would actually benefit everybody.

They go, I would probably do much better if you jerk me off.

I think he's the greatest speech.

He's the greatest debate person.

He's the greatest orator I've ever been.

He goes, we all know.

He's also the greatest at oral.

Perverts.

If you're a pervert kid, dude, get into band.

Speech and debate.

Drama or speech and debate.

Yeah.

And like I said, you're going to stay in hotel rooms with other high school kids on the weekends.

The band hallway felt like the fucking red light district in my high school.

You like go through and you're like, are all these kids, like all these nerds are just fucking.

And we're like, fucking band kids.

That's the greatest undercover shit in the world that they were like, oh no, donor goes for band kids.

They're like having threesomes and shit.

Like,

oh, fuck.

I can't wait to go to nationals.

It was like, it was like the AVNs, but with fucking tubas.

I mean, the uniforms are.

It's so, dude.

You look like a gay general,

and then you're just fucking everything that isn't nailed down.

For all the kids watching this, get into bands.

Get out there.

Fuck a tuba.

Fuck it, tuba.

Figure a flute.

Get good at a wood instrument.

Fucking get it.

Figure out how to wet a wood.

You got a wood.

You want to get a

reed.

Yeah, you want to get your wood wet.

Get into wood instruments.

Yeah, it's all just like, just good old being like,

literally, you could picture Sarah, a girl from high school,

dude.

My

the girl that crushed my heart in eighth grade, that cheated on me in eighth grade,

cheated on me, got fingers.

No!

I didn't even get the finger.

Oh my god.

Two other guys that were better at football, not at the same time.

Like one was early summer, one was late summer, found out, crushed me.

Yeah.

Crushed me.

I got cheated on by my older boyfriend, Robert.

And we found out, again, I blamed it on my no-tits,

but

I covered his Jeep Cherokee in Maxi pads.

Solid.

I was

earholded by it.

Destroyed.

And

that's where the card came from.

Try to be less depressed.

She's going to regret

the card that your mom found.

This is,

I think I might have told this story once before, maybe on the bonfire, but this is

truly a story of friendship.

And this is a positive story for my friend, who he's, he's a, he's famous now.

He's very famous.

He, my best friend when this happened was Mike McDaniel, who is the, currently the head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

So fins up.

Let's go.

Dolphins football.

So this is?

Yeah, he sent me this football.

He sent me like a box of stuff when he became became the coach when you're friends with like a head coach they just get a bunch of t-shirts and stuff uh katie hates it she's a patriots fan lace is out uh laces out dan

but they um

i got cheated on and i it fucking destroyed me i was was she your first kiss or like first kiss first real girlfriend first boob i touched i touched her pubic hair

at batman and robin i touched her pubic hair it was nuts and then meanwhile i found out she's getting worn out by these other dudes' fingers.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm fucking getting crushed.

So she was like very religious family.

So she wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend.

That was like

fingered.

No.

So check this out.

So, what a ride or die move for McDaniel.

This is why,

even if they're having injury troubles, I believe in him as a fucking head coach.

Yeah.

I believe he's a motivator of men.

I'm ready to as well.

Because I got cheated on, and he saw how fucking crushed I was.

So he called her house.

And there was no cell phones.

It's all landlines.

And he left a message on her parents' answering machine where he went, hi, your daughter has a boyfriend.

That's right.

I remember this almost verbatim.

He goes, yeah, that's right.

Your daughter has a boyfriend who she cheated on and got fingered by and like lays it out to the point where I'm like, at first I'm like, no, no, no, no.

And then I'm like,

and he like leaves this message drops the phone right

we go ride bikes as eighth graders do as eighth grade boys about to go into high school do just go ride your bikes

we're riding bikes

this is fucking let's feel the summer heat dude we get home and my mom is like

what did you do?

And I was like, what?

They traced the call

because he made the call at my house and my mom was like, I'm not going to say the girl's name, but Mr.

Called.

You are never allowed to talk to her again.

He has blocked our number.

You're never allowed to call her again.

They need an apology, like all this shit.

And I took it.

I didn't make my friend apologize.

Mike was,

you know, he taught me a little thing about team, being a team player that day.

Chat out Mike McDaniel.

It sounds like McDaniel's going to do a little bit of covering up for the Miami dogs.

He goes, yeah.

Well, I'm just saying, he's going to go to war for you.

Just, you know, make sure you check the phone record.

But if you do,

that was like the first.

If you're in the McDaniel's family, press Star Stakes denied.

Just let him star stakes.

Just Star Stakes.

Let him tell what it was.

But it was like one of those moments where it was a friend truly standing up for me at a moment where I was fucking destroyed.

And I remember just being like,

wherever the rest of our lives goes, dude, like, fuck yeah.

Amy Schaefer, she's the one who she unwrapped all the pads that we stuck to Robert's Jeep.

Do you still talk to her?

I just visited her when I was in Amsterdam.

And that's what's up.

Yeah.

She's living in Amsterdam, living a crazy life.

She is.

You start putting maxi pads on people's cars.

You're either doing stand-up or you're living in Holland.

Exactly.

You're living in Fire.

You got to get out of here.

She's back.

She was working for the embassy and now they're, she's in Montana, but her life is rad.

But that's exactly like, dude, I watched him, you know, coach the team on, like, I watch him every Sunday, and you're like, oh, yeah.

but it's it is like you need a friend or die you need a you need a ride or die friend when you have a ride or die friend you're like let's get him i thanks dude and i would do that for her too yeah i would have done the same thing i remember doing something similar for him when we found out he got with yeah i was like dude i'll sneak out same we'll go egg let's go egg a house

i got a arm on it teepee yeah eggs what else did we throw up here oh my god dude one time katie got teepeed i don't know if she started told the stories i don't know if i do but her parents made her clean it up because they thought it was her friends that was doing it.

She's like, I'm getting bullied.

Yeah, this is not a gift.

And they're like, you clean it up.

She's like, I fucking get him.

I'm getting bullied.

And they're like, well,

can you help me clean it up?

This is horrible.

We had to live with our grandparents for a little bit when we were little.

That reminds me.

And my grandpa, you know, World War II vet, he stationed the Aleutian Islands.

He didn't see work.

He didn't see that much heat.

We love him.

And he fought for the country.

But he was so regimented, and we apparently used more than two squares of toilet paper.

You better believe he went in there.

I don't know what happened.

Maybe we clogged the toilet.

I have no clue.

I just remember as a child reaching into the toilet and picking out toilet paper.

You used too much.

Yes.

That's wild.

Fanklin was just pissed, but wow.

Oh my God, dude, if a loose turd was regimented.

That's wild.

Exactly.

He's kind of getting teepeed and having to clean it up.

Like, you used too much.

You're going to clog my pipes.

Pull it out with your little hands.

He would threaten to take my whoopie, my blankie, and wash his car with it.

He was so strict.

Why?

We couldn't touch the walls.

It was pretty.

That is wild.

It was pretty wild.

That is wild having a strict grandpa like that where you're like, we're kids.

Yeah, I know.

It's weird.

I think it's just in you.

I have a little, I have touches of some OCD.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like what small, like in hotels?

Yeah.

I feel like when COVID hit, to be honest with you, I was like, oh, this is how I've been living.

Oh, that's funny.

You're like, go to my world.

Exactly.

The rest of the world.

Start washing your hands like I do.

I've been here.

It's nothing crazy, but

it depends on my mood.

It depends on my life, like how in control, how happy I'm feeling.

Like, if it ticks up a little, I'm going to be using a Lysol wipe more than often.

Like in the hotel room, I'm trying to think,

yeah.

At this, last night, I wiped everything down with a Lysol wipe.

Oh, really?

All the surfaces.

Airbnbs, sometimes I'll give it a a wipe.

Just before this podcast, Katie told me something fascinating.

Do you know the subreddit for OCD, you're not allowed to reassure someone.

Reassuring is banned on the OCD subreddit.

I'm curious about that.

Because it perpetuates the OCD.

Because you go, no, no, that's okay.

I do that too.

And then someone goes like, oh, I'll just keep going with it.

Okay.

Because you need to break it.

You need to break the cycle of it.

It's interesting.

Like, I just, like I'm saying,

when I, I know when it's it's ticking up, everybody experiences these things, I'm sure, like your anxiety or whatever's going on in your life.

Even sometimes my body will like past bad relationships.

I know it sounds weird, but like there is so many things connected.

My face would break out more.

Everything's connected.

Yeah.

So I think sometimes if I'm feeling like, oh, well, I didn't get this job or I'm out of control here.

I'm not doing, you know, if I just wipe it a little bit more.

If your boyfriend just catches you pulling fucking toilet paper out of the bath, the toilet, he's He's like, what the fuck are you doing?

You're like, it's too much.

I use too much.

And then you're just rubbing it on the walls.

You're like, oh, God, she's spiraling.

I need tits.

I need tits.

What the fuck is going on?

Look down.

They're on your chest.

Oh, my God.

Didn't I suck them earlier and not like a little boy?

Sucks them like a man sucks them.

Sucked your tits like a man.

You are one of my favorite people in the world.

Thank you for doing the podcast.

You're one of my favorites.

Thank you for making me laugh last night.

Oh, yeah, that was fun.

I love your stand-up.

I mean, I love watching you in Madison, too.

Yeah, that was the stand-up.

You were so good.

We were at the new UCB last night.

Yeah.

It was very nice.

It was very nice.

And the crowd was lovely.

The crowd was like one of those things where they were tiny, but you go out there and you're like, oh, I can really fuck around with these jokes.

I can like.

I tried a couple new lines.

Yeah.

I tried, and they, you know.

Talking about your sisters was very, very funny.

I sat up in the back on that.

Oh, thanks.

It was very funny.

And it um your special on netflix was incredible thank you um i hope your last one was killer too i hope your sister's friend that walked you to class marty i hope marty probably a fan of yours i saw well who isn't a fan of dan if marty if you're watching this that walk that you took beth to class meant a lot it did thank you marty coates Thanks for making Beth feel like a lady when she was a little girl.

Even when I had no titties.

Yeah.

Dude, I bet Marty Coates would be like, what are they fucking fucking talking about me?

You don't realize that?

And then Jackie would be like, he still doesn't shut up.

I've noticed, even on his podcast, he won't let his guests talk.

And you're like, shut up, Jackie.

A moment of silence for Jackie to prove that we can.

Also, you are no song crazy.

She went to U of A and I went to U of A and she was in a sorority.

And she took me.

to a date dash and she got so drunk she made out with me.

I didn't think that's where it was gonna go.

She's the greatest.

Don't tell Katie.

It was so cool.

Like I love Katie.

She's the love of my life.

We're gonna get married.

But dude, that was.

I called Fujack and I was like, I got to make out with Jackie.

And he was like, what?

What?

And then she never talked to me again because I think she sobered up and was crazy embarrassed.

She was like, crazy embarrassing.

I do have a couple of those of my past.

Like it was a younger brother's or a friend's younger brother.

He is hot.

And then in college later, we went out drinking and he got like a little too close.

Like, maybe this could be something.

And I was like, it's not something.

I promise it's something.

Dude, I left my backpack in her car and it took me weeks to get it back.

And this is in college.

I don't need the backpack.

Maybe I don't need it.

I was like, I'm not doing the reading.

I go, you know what?

Cost of business, baby.

You're going to drunkenly make out with a girl you had to crush down in high school with?

You lose a transport.

Love this.

Love that.