035. Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, & Joe DeRosa | Heat

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Ladies and gentlemen, live from the comedy mothership, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Okerson and Louis J.

Gomez.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars Comedy Mothership Edition.

We are your Story Warriors, Big Jay Jay Okerson, and the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake Louis Jay Gomez.

How exciting?

How exciting is this?

You guys ready for a great show tonight?

Everyone is excited except for these two right here.

Look at their faces.

They look like foreigners, too.

What is going on?

They look like foreign children.

Are those your kids?

Yes.

Oh, that makes sense.

Are you guys foreign?

No, they're not.

Damn.

Yeah, your children are refugee faces.

Nice.

All right.

I don't believe they're from here still.

They're just close to a border and they're playing it straight.

I would like a glass of water.

Am I getting it, honey?

I'm very excited about tonight's show.

We have a fucking star-studded lineup.

We rarely come to Austin or any other place to do Story Wars, so this is the first time we're ever here.

So you guys are in for a crazy show tonight.

Crazy show.

Is everybody here familiar with Story Wars?

Finally.

I like the sound of that.

Is there anybody not familiar with Story Wars?

Just the kids.

The kids.

They're like, we don't know what electricity.

We don't have electricity.

Where to come from?

We wait for Lord Trump to bring electricity.

We have an amazing

amazing panel of guests, everybody.

Let's get them up here in no particular order.

You know him.

The credits they give are hilarious.

You know him from Joey Rosa's sandwich shop.

Currently on the joystick tour 2025.

Make some noise for the hilarious Joe DeRosa.

It's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky.

It's tricky to rock around to rock around.

That's right.

Our time is tricky.

I met this little girly.

And your next competitor, you know him from his amazing special speed of light on YouTube and one half of Matt and Shane Secret Podcast.

Clap your hands for Matt McCusker.

Going straight tomorrow,

And last but not least, well, leave room for God, huh?

Are you guys worried you're going to gay off if you're too close to each other?

You know, someone's going to be there eventually.

Our third competitor,

you know him from the show tires on Netflix, his special beautiful dogs.

And why not?

The other half of Matt and Shane's secret podcast, the great Shane Gillis

how exciting

Shane tried to bail on this five times today.

I mean, you asked me to do it today.

It's amazing that that five times you still try to get out of it.

You're going to be like, are you sure?

I don't have any fucking stories.

Come up with five stories today in 10 minutes.

Yeah.

We like to lay it on you quick and fast.

If you're not familiar with Story Wars, and I think you all are, we'll explain the game very quickly.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject?

Heat.

Heat.

You see how hard that would be to come up with stories?

Come up with five stories in an hour about heat.

It's interpretive, though.

You know, it could be heat, however, you think of heat.

Yeah.

Whatever heat means to you.

I know, I know.

That's crazy.

One of the suggestions was Miami Heat.

The basketball team.

Yeah.

Louis just thought of things with the word heat in it to convince you.

The movie heat.

Fuck.

Boy, this heat.

Alex, our lovely producer, will read off these stories one at a time.

Again, no particular order.

There can be back-to-backs.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It is your job to fool everybody else up here to think it's not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Shane,

pay attention.

Oh, yeah.

And for every story that you guess correctly, you get two points.

For every person you fool, you get one point.

Once you write the name on the board, put the board in this little slot and remove your hand.

That's your final answer.

You can't change it.

It sounds very confusing for some people, especially the refugee children, but it is very easy.

You'll follow along.

It's going to be a great time.

And Jay, tell them what we're playing for today.

Oh, and by the way, through show, we make funny, yes?

You're never playing for nothing here at Story Wars.

You're playing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Tonight's winner gets the JavaScript Pocket Reference, third edition by O'Reilly Media.

O'Reilly's JavaScript Pocket Reference is a useful quick reference tool highlighting the language's syntax and standard functions.

However, it's important to note the book's content covers JavaScript features only up to 2012,

meaning newer standards like ES6 and beyond are not included.

Ideal for maintaining legacy projects are foundational JavaScript knowledge, but not suitable if you're working with modern frameworks or contemporary coding patterns.

Thank you, Roots.

We'll be right back after this.

I was playing Xbox.

I lost my game for this.

Just for a fucking JavaScript.

Shane, by two stories in, you're going to want this book.

You don't even know why you're going to want this book, bro.

You're going to want this fucking game.

I genuinely enjoy this.

Well, I guess if we're all ready.

Yeah.

It's time for war.

Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

When I was younger and it would get very hot outside, my ass would sweat so bad that it would rehydrate my crusted, poorly wiped asshole.

And any chair I sat in would immediately reek like shit.

My friends nicknamed it the vile horrendous.

Jesus Christ.

You think Shane put that together as one of his five stories within an hour?

Oh, the screen's on, thank God.

Here's a long story.

Did the person who wrote this include the commas?

That's a good question.

That's a great question.

That eliminates a couple of you.

And had friends when younger.

That eliminates most of you.

Can I get an answer on the comments?

She's actually not allowed to answer any comments.

They've got to be part of it.

There's no way they're punctuating.

Well, Alex, we'll go in and change words that give things away and maybe even some grammar.

I think

punctuation.

I know who this is.

I mean, I think that this is Big Jay or DeRosa.

Big Jay.

You think you've never heard that I would

file horrendous?

I meant Shane or DeRose.

A big Jay's asshole, from my personal experience, is extremely clean.

It's never been vile.

It's never been vile nor horrendous.

Much less vile horrendous.

I would say he's a clean asshole, and he has a lot of pride in having a squeaky clean asshole.

Joe loves a good gross shit joke for sure.

And so I to see Joe telling the story.

And also, I think the sleeper might be McCusker on this one.

I got to say, McCusker usually talks about his ass.

I do.

Yeah, but McCusker has a sweet, tight ass.

There's no way that's his story.

No, no, no.

He's got an oil slick.

Those are his words, but I've never heard him say that.

I'm more straightforward about my ass, though.

I'm more Hemingway on my ass.

This is pretty word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is not.

This can't be me.

I'm the only man that wears presentable pants on this fucking stage.

There's no way.

I'm the only man that wears pants that can't be referred to as dungarees.

on this stage right now.

That's to compensate for a messy ass.

Oh, you think I'm overdoing it?

I think you wear lighter pants now because your ass would sweat in those dungarees and rehydrate your fucking crusty, poorly wiped asshole.

Somebody's nickname was the vile horrendous, and we've and we've never heard of it.

I've never heard of this.

No.

Well, I think the friends nicknamed the

ass smell the vile horrendous.

Is that what it is?

That's how I understood it.

That's how I understood it as well.

I will say that I didn't wipe my ass great when I was younger.

I was kind of a dirty.

That's a side of gothic terms.

It is gothic terms.

I agree.

That's what I was made.

The vile.

Yeah.

I think it was.

You weren't a goth, though.

No.

You morphed into.

Jay's the only person who was not a goth when he was younger, but became one.

Midlife goth.

That's crazy.

I just saw the cure for the first time last year.

It's true.

It's so funny.

I hated it.

Sweetie Daddy left and became a goth.

I'm leaving your mother to go be goth.

She doesn't understand my moon worship.

The only person to ever become an adult goth.

That's crazy.

The wiggard of goth pipeline.

Very rare, but it's nice to see.

I think it's McCusker, because you protest too much.

Like, you really kind of deflected this pretty hard.

I'm pretty cool about it.

And And

you just look like you would smell like shit.

At the beginning of this, I thought, for sure, Matt.

Everything I heard about it was Matt.

And then the vile, horrendous.

But I feel like that's true.

You'd be playing on Matt's behalf right now because I feel like you would know the vile, horrendous.

I wouldn't do that.

I'm here to win.

I want that JavaScript.

True.

Right.

But if you can get us to not go for Matt and then you slide in for Matt at the end.

I don't even think about that, see?

That's That's what a liar would say.

I'm going to start the voting.

You guys are sort of convincing me that it's Matt, but I'm going to go with my original instinct, which is always right.

Joe fucking DeRosa.

We only have one pen?

All right.

Do we not have another pen for you?

You came here to hurt me.

God damn it.

Did you drop your pen, Jay?

No.

Here, Jay.

No sharpies, no fucking.

We have another one.

Bring it over, Alex.

And turn the screen off.

Hey, on your way over here, turn the fucking screen off.

Let's get these lights way dim.

Joe DeRosa is my final answer.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm with you on this one.

I'm going Joey Rose's sandwich shop

now with hot sandwiches.

I think it's Big J.

That's not true.

We don't have hot sandwiches.

For a limited time only.

Hot sandwiches.

I'm sticking with what I said.

I think it's McCusker.

He looks like a devious little fuck.

This could be McCusker.

I'm going Big J.

First instinct.

I'll go Lewis.

Ooh.

Ooh, there's back at the fucking

basketball game all over again right now.

Can I have a Bud Light?

Yeah.

No.

She is.

Shane, I understand you are the constable of Bud Light.

Am I allowed to?

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number one

belongs to Joe DeRosa.

Disgusting.

You disgusting piece of shit.

I am the vile horrendous.

You are the vile.

I am the vile horrendous.

I sent my stories to Alex while I was sitting in a food court today eating bourbon chicken.

And as I typed that out, I was laughing so fucking hard.

I looked like a lunatic.

Yeah, that's true.

I used to not wipe my ass properly my freshman year in college.

What?

I, until this moment, pictured the story as a 10-year-old.

Oh, no.

And I thought a 10-year-old, like, you were embarrassed because at that point, you should be wiping your ass correct.

She took out the freshman year in college part, I think, to protect me, but I put it right back in there.

Yeah, and then my friend Dan would walk to the chair after I sat in it and smell it.

He would go like this.

He would go, oh, God, like that, because it was so bad.

And then he would call it the vile horrendous.

Wow.

Did he ever try to kiss you?

He's like, that's an old joke we play.

I sniff his underwear.

I sniff his fart chairs.

But I fix it.

It doesn't happen anymore.

Good.

I hope.

You were 19 when it happened.

17.

I went to college young.

17.

Damn.

Wow.

He would sniff your seat.

Just to prove that I was not, because eventually I wasn't allowed to sit in any chairs in their dorm room.

And I would have to sit on the floor and then I'd get mad at him.

I'm like, you're a dick.

And he would be like, okay, sit in the chair.

And then I'd get up and it would be the vile horrendous.

You'd be like that.

It's chronic.

Shit ass.

So here's the best part.

That's crazy at that age.

Here's the best part.

I count it under control and I fixed it.

But what's under control?

Just wipe to those no more brown.

I don't know.

I had a hairy ass.

I I don't know.

The thing is like, I have to get a handle on this.

Just stop stopping early.

Stop wiping.

Do you ever not wipe hard enough and you think you're done?

But then you go in for a deep scoop and you're like, oh, I'm not done at all.

Yeah, you check.

Yes.

No.

I'm up there.

There's been times where I've been wiping my ass and I eventually just give up.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm just dealing with the shitty out of the way.

Yeah, you got to be able to get it.

I don't have time for this.

I've missed things because there's still a dot of brown.

Nah.

When I am three three knuckles deep up my own asshole.

I still won't accept it.

I want to be clean.

Yeah, I need to be

keep the palms warm so they're going to hit my nuts.

If you go really deep, you get the nuts.

Gloves used to have fingers.

They disintegrated.

They're all lost.

John.

I think I speak forever when I say that this story makes me very sad inside.

It just kind of bums me out that that happened in the world.

That means you didn't wipe your ass at all through high school.

But no, here's the best thing.

Hold on, can I I say something?

I got a feeling this also has nothing to do with heat, and it was a year-round issue.

And you shoehorned it into the heat show.

Shane?

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dude, heat is up for interpretation.

Interpretation.

It was a hard topic to come up with stories for.

By the way.

By the way, look at the shoehorn in hindsight.

When I was younger, it would get very hot outside.

Oh, everybody, yes.

When I was younger, they would add

summers.

You could add that line to the beginning of any story and make it a heat story.

It would get very hot outside.

My father would beat the shit out of me.

He also did it in the winter, but

also in the heat.

Here's the end of the story.

So I did get it under control, and it stopped happening.

But it really hurt me when this would happen.

Like, it hurt me.

It killed me that this happened.

I was very embarrassed and disgusted with myself.

But I got it under control.

Two years later in school,

a buddy of mine, I won't say his name, he had the Vile Horrendous.

And my friends noticed it, and I immediately turned on him and nicknamed him Poopseat and just put all my pain onto him.

And he hated me for it.

He fucking hated me.

The Vile Horrendous is going to become a thing.

Alex, what do our scores look like after one round?

All right.

On the scoreboard with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Joe DeRosa.

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank yokratum.com for supporting today's show.

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All right.

Let's get back into it.

All right.

Alex, story number two.

We didn't get you because we truthed to be

story number two.

My friend and I put insanely spicy hot sauce under the cheese of one slice of a pizza and then shared the pie with roommates without telling them.

We don't even need to skip to the this has asshole Shane written all fucking over it.

Of course

God damn it.

Look how he's laughing.

He's still laughing at his own prank

You scumbag You're picturing that kid right now fucking eyes tearing up

insanely spicy hot sauce.

I mean Shane really was tickled by that story.

If it wasn't him,

it might be why him and McCusker are in love, because McCusker has this story.

It could be McCusker's as well.

Ms.

Cusker, are you a prankster?

Not really.

Not really, no.

Not a huge prank.

I've done it before, obviously, but...

He's tried pranks.

He's done pranks on people, yeah.

I don't think Lewis ever lived with roommates you'd share pizza with.

I don't think

it was like your weed dealer's mother or grandmother at one point.

I i don't think jay would ever share a pizza

no not if i wasn't if it was lewis it would say we put a hot sauce under one slice of paella

because you're a fucking mexican or something

something like that you're one of those things paella i don't know

joe is reaching right now because he's still embarrassing about a shitty asshole that's what's happening right now he's doing the thing again he's putting it all on you and now you're gonna hate him for it

let me sniff your chair

Don't you kind of want to sniff Joe's chair and see if he really has it under control?

Sniff?

Yeah.

Yeah, Alex, you should have put that story way later.

Joe's shit asshole story is something that's very difficult to follow with a pizza prank.

Yep.

This is Shane fucking hazing a freshman kid.

Yeah, then you gave him a wedgie and fucking...

It's not me.

Shane, Shane, you're a prankster, though.

You'll pull some pranks.

That's not me.

The reason it might not be Shane is because the last part didn't say, and then I threatened to punch him if he wouldn't eat it.

Shane, who do you think it is?

It's Matt.

I didn't do that.

You think it's Matt?

It might be Matt.

I'm not a big prankster.

But you said you have done pranks.

I have.

I'm not a huge prankster.

Matt, are you planning on...

Is your strategy on tonight's show to lie to us or are you keeping it all honest?

I'm keeping it honest, bro.

I don't.

Shane voted right away.

Now, That doesn't mean anything.

You're recording this.

I don't want to lie.

Come back to haunt me.

Christ.

I don't know.

This is a tough one.

I'm buying the shame.

It's matter shame.

It also could be DeRosa.

Again, two DeRosas in a row would be a fun little way to start the show.

I was guessing if Matt ever told this story, I don't think he has ever told me this.

So

fuck.

Let me say before we all say this that Matt.

Tell me fucking the vile horrendous again.

No.

Let's talk about this kind kind of prank i will say uh a full full curtain pull in the uh green room here at the mothership lewis tricked alex into huffing well hold on you guys tell him what i did i did i didn't just i go i was like alex i i took i took a can of um what is it called smelling sauce smelling sauce i was like hey alex check out this really dank weed give it a whiff

And then she put her nose directly into the jar and went, because she loves weed so much.

She really wanted to feel it.

And she cried.

Damn.

She cried.

She really went through something for about 20 minutes.

Well, Alex, how did you that you couldn't get a whiff before your nose was inside the jar?

She put it, it was so fast.

She trusted him.

She made mistake number one.

She trusted Lewis.

Possibly like this fucking kid that he was living with.

They're voting for each other.

Shit.

All right.

I'm going.

My first instinct was Shane.

I'm going with Shane.

My first instinct was Shane, too, but I think that his laugh was because he was imagining Matt do it.

I'm I'm gonna go with Matt.

I think Matt is lying to my face right on this show, and we're gonna find out a lot about Matt McCusker right now if he lied to us.

Because I've always trusted you,

Matt McCusker.

Final answer:

you ask me, no,

Alex, all of our stories are in.

Leave it to the judges.

That story belongs to Matt McCusker.

Yes,

fuck.

You lying son of a bitch.

That's the way you're going to play it.

I apologize.

Why were you laughing so hard?

God damn it.

It made me laugh to follow the horrendous vile story with spicy pizza.

Matt,

did it fuck up your roommate?

Were they mad?

They fucking rocked him, yeah.

Because he didn't know what was going on.

We were like 21.

We were sitting there eating pizza and out of nowhere.

It was like that shit that's like

a bazillion sco bills.

So just out of nowhere, he's like,

how'd you feed him the slice?

Like, how'd you get it?

He was kind of rushing roulette at the pie.

And I kind of had an idea was on that half.

So I took mine.

It was a bunch of people.

And then we watched him take it.

Me and someone else knew.

And then I just watched him slowly just kind of start sweating.

And he had like a spicy panic attack.

He just sat there and was just like, oh.

It really fucks.

When it's that spicy and it hits you, it goes to your head.

So, yeah, we just all laughed.

it's a great night

our scores

all right on the scoreboard with two points each big j ogerson joe de rosa matt mcusker and shane gillis in the lead with four points louis jay gomez

is this guy dressed like big jay That's hilarious.

He colored the front of his hair and he's got fingerless gloves on.

Fuck yeah, dude.

He's cosplaying Big Jay Ogre's in.

It's Timu.

Timu J.

He's bounding.

I think he's bounding right now.

He's Disney bounding.

All right, Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I went swimming in the ocean in Florida.

Just when I started having fun, I felt something strange on my legs.

Turns out they were tangled in police crime scene tape.

I'm going to say Shane because this story sucks.

And he just needed to come up with something

about a hot place.

Okay.

I mean, Lewis, you'll go in the ocean.

You'll go on vacations, but you don't go to Florida.

No, I've been to Florida multiple times.

For vacations?

Yeah, a couple times.

Have you swam in the ocean in Florida?

Yes, I have.

Fuck.

You just got to ask the next question.

Did you feel police crime tape?

Did you end up feeling police crime scene tape?

No, I did not.

I believe you.

You have to go on vacation where that happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you yelled out out the story sucks right away, which is a real throw-off.

Well, usually my stories suck.

You're right.

Don't be that guy.

I guess all my stories suck.

That's a tough one.

This one did feel like Shane right away.

There's no way the vile horrendous was followed up with.

Is Shane's mic off?

I think it has been the entire time.

No.

This was very low.

That's all.

Give him a little volume.

Nope.

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

Vile, horrendous.

Tested, vile, pig, horrendous.

Pig.

Pig.

Yeah, my.

Testing one pig, too.

Yeah, can we give a little more juice to Shan's mic, please?

Or any.

God,

this is a really...

Because there's no personality in this story.

Yeah.

So that makes it really tough.

Yeah, Joe, is it you?

What?

Well, you don't have a personality.

It's all personality.

Well, I saw police tape.

I assumed you.

Come on.

But you weren't involved in the crime in the story.

Anyway,

I don't know, man.

I'm just, when there's no personality in this, you don't fucking know, you know?

Yeah.

Sorry, I thought this was a back and forth.

You gave you nothing, Joe.

Glad to be here doing your pod you pray Netflix picks up as a TV show.

Jesus Christ.

I have one more friend plot a gimmick podcast on me.

It's all about hats.

You wear a funny hat.

You tell fucking...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Joe, why don't you plug your podcast right now?

We'll see you in hell.

We watch movies.

That's not a gimmick.

Go ahead.

No, it's not a gimmick.

We don't have guests either.

I don't put the burden on my friends.

We just do it ourselves.

I didn't know vile horrendous was going to be so nasty.

Wow.

You're nasty.

Vile, horrendous.

You really are vile and horrendous.

You're big.

You're so vague on them.

They've been nothing but nice.

So vile, so horrendous.

So vile, yet so horrendous.

I'm going to say Shane because of the pressure to get stories.

It's not me.

No.

Yeah.

I'm going Lewis.

Lewis has been looking weird the whole time.

It could be Lewis.

Maybe, maybe, but maybe not.

But I talk people out of Lewis too much, and it ends up being Lewis.

You took a sip immediately after it was read, which is also a move.

Well, Jay doesn't swim in the ocean.

I'll say that.

But this could be the reason he doesn't swim in the ocean anymore also jay doesn't take vacations that changes my vote yeah i'm going lewis you sure he doesn't go in the ocean jay does not jay will not go in the ocean he'll go in a pool he'll do flips that's his old water thing true i like pools i like doing flips and pools

it's fair not into the pool like in the pool underwater the house that he bought the the pool was only three and a half feet deep so we had to dig it deeper so we could do flips yeah

they it's four foot eight and they go they go it's nice nice sized pool.

I said I can't do flips.

I'll scratch my back.

Also golfs can't go in the ocean.

You'll start having fun and the whole thing just yeah

just so you guys know I'm up to four flips in a row underwater.

That's kind of sick.

Fat man's roller coaster.

Nobody can ever tell you can't ride that ride.

A pool?

I can flip in a pool.

They can't stop me.

Shane?

Lewis is being

weird.

I guess Lewis J.

It is not me.

It's 100%.

It's either DeRosa the Pig or Lewis.

It's 100% you.

It's not me.

There's a retelling.

If this is him, it'll be very telling.

Shane.

Gillis is my vote.

It's Lewis.

He's showboating with the waves.

It's Lewis.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

Wow.

That story, everyone, belongs to Big Jay Robinson.

I had it.

It was the reason he hates the ocean.

I had it.

It reaffirmed why I hate the ocean, that's for sure.

Hey, you talked me out of that, Lewis.

I had Jay written.

I'm sorry.

He did a great job.

Jay's getting better with this technique.

You know, he's only won three out of 35.

Three out of 30 games.

Really?

I'm three in 30 is my record.

It's crazy how bad I am at this.

So I have to write stories with no personality.

Yeah, our old friend Rob Mayu, we just got off shiprocked and we had to spend a night at a hotel there.

It was on the beach and he was like, come on, come in the ocean.

What could go wrong?

I go, I just hate the ocean.

It's gross.

And he was like, I hate Rob Mayu.

He's gross.

Right.

And then I put both of those together.

Yick.

But yeah, I went in the ocean and right when I did stuff, I was like, you know what?

The waves are coming and we're jumping in the waves and we're having having fun.

And I felt something on my leg, it felt like hair almost.

And then I got to the shallow, and I was surrounded in police tape wrapped all around me-crime scene tape.

It turned you on a little bit.

No,

it makes me hate the ocean.

Stupid Miami.

That's a lot of points for me.

Yep.

Damn.

Yeah, shit.

Second guess.

Alex, where's our score at?

On the scoreboard, tied with two points each.

Joe DeRosa, Shane Gillis, and Matt McCusker with four points.

Louis J.

Gomez and in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

That felt great.

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All right, where were we?

Story number four.

Story number four.

I went to Jamaica and fought with my girlfriend over the age.

I mean, well, if Lewis didn't post pictures.

Hold on, finish the story.

I mean,

finish the story.

I went to Jamaica and fought with my girlfriend over the age of Brian Laundry.

Could be anyone.

Guys, I know it seems like me.

All I do is I go to Jamaica and I fight with my girlfriends.

It's sort of like my thing.

But I swear to God, this one's not me.

Who's Brian Laundry?

Brian Laundry is the guy who, I have no idea.

How old was he?

Jesus Lewis.

Lewis?

That was pretty good, Matt.

Really?

Lewis?

Guys, wait, wait.

You're locked in now.

Oh, my bad, my bad.

You're locked in.

I mean, hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

You guys are crazy.

We're going to go through this charade.

Let's get to it.

Let's go.

Lewis has the best record in the game.

Lewis knows how to play the game.

Now, he could be hiding right in plain sight.

But this could be everybody over there started voting.

Who voted first?

It's someone trying to throw, they fucking know Jamaica and fighting with girlfriend is going to make everyone think you.

Somebody is playing a high-level Story Wars right now.

I'm letting you know.

And Jay, you're right.

I'm letting you know it's not me.

I already know who it is.

God damn it, Jay.

What are you doing?

You guys,

you fool.

Fuck that.

Oh, shit.

I forgot you.

Oh, you guys are idiots.

I forgot you.

You just let somebody over there rack up all these fucking points.

Don't play with House Money, Dog.

So

I forgot.

I'll tell you right now, it wasn't me.

The person who did this was playing a very smart game.

And

I'm making a real guess here.

But earlier today, I did Matt and Shane's podcast.

And Shane talked about how he enjoys.

Jamaican resorts.

So I'm assuming that Shane has been to Jamaica.

I'm assuming that he does fight with his hot girlfriend.

No, no.

Because she's way too hot for him.

Before my success, she was ugly.

My final guess, and I think I have it right, is Shane fucking Gillis.

You got me.

Alex, make it official.

That story belongs to Shane Gillis.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

You idiots.

That was my bad.

You fucking idiots.

That was my bad.

You think I'd be that obvious?

Yes.

Yes.

That was my bad.

100%.

1,000 times, yes.

Yeah, there's not too much of a story.

It was pretty funny.

The girl,

she had a drinking issue.

And we were out at this, it was like the nicest.

So I went to this resort as a kid with like my rich aunt and uncle.

And I was like, someday when I get enough money, I'm going to go back to this place.

Took me 30 years.

I finally got got back.

And I was like, I'm going to bring this girl.

We had the nicest time.

But at night, she would drink a little.

And out of nowhere, she'd be like, you motherfucker.

And I was like, you're ruining the trip.

You had enough Brian Laundrie.

That is exactly what happened.

We're sitting at a table, an outdoor, beautiful, like a candlelit restaurant on the beach.

while the sun's going down.

We're having a nice time that out of nowhere.

We were talking about Gabby Pettino and Brian Laundrie, and she was like, you don't even know how old he was, you motherfucker.

And walked back to the room.

Oh, no.

And she, this is how bad she was at it.

She started walking, and I was like, you for real can't make that up and try to fight me on that.

And she started laughing and sat back down.

And then found a fight and then left.

But originally, it was over Brian Laundry.

And an interesting detail, that woman, Joy Behar.

The true vile horrendous Joy Behar.

Oh, my.

Very well played.

And you knew you were going to to throw that on me and throw everyone off.

Oh, yeah.

And Shane was the first person who guessed, too.

He just started the guessing.

It was Matt fault.

I guess.

Matt went.

That was my fault.

I'm going to play a lot more technology.

It would have worked a lot better if you didn't pretend you didn't know Brian Laundrie like that.

No, that was

a beautiful movie.

It was a great joke.

You know what?

Yeah, I like getting laughs sometimes.

You went for the laughs.

You got greedy.

That's why you're a pig.

That's why you're one of the all-time pigs.

A vile, horrendous.

Oh, shit.

Alex, our scores.

All right.

On the scoreboard, with two points each, Joe DeRosa and Matt McCusker.

With five points, Shane Gillis.

And tied for the lead, the Story Warriors, Louis J.

Gomez and Big J.

Ogre.

That's right.

We want it.

We want it.

Keep it home.

You think we're going to lose in front of Joe Rogan?

It's not happening.

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You have this.

Somebody's going to win this book.

Somebody's going to win this book.

And 30 years from now, they're going to have a Citizen Kane moment where somebody in their house is going to go, where did this book come from?

And they're going to go, sit down.

Well, we've reached our halfway point.

We're four stories in.

Me and Big J are in the lead.

At this time,

we take a a moment to just do some quick plugs.

So, Matt, what are you plugging, my friend?

Just my stand-up shows, MattMcCusker.com.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Shane?

Tires season two

should be the first week of June.

We'll see.

I don't know.

Or do I?

Joey.

Tires season two.

And funny.

No, for real.

For real.

No, I worked on it.

Sound funny.

I worked on it.

I thought I was being a dick.

I thought I was being a vile horrendous.

I know.

On tour now.

Dates at JoeDarosa.com all through the summer into the fall.

Joey Roses and NYC.

Come through if you're there.

JoeyRoses.com.

And my non-gimmicky podcast, we'll see you in hell.

The end.

I thought that was going to get a laugh.

Big Jay.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Tires season two.

Yeah.

Tire season two.

They'll never have me on Netflix.

First half of my double crowd work special.

Them is out.

They.

The second part coming out 420.

Very excited to bring that to you guys.

Listen to Bonfire, and this leads to fucking legendary Legion of Skanks right here on Game Fitzgerald.

I did not see that coming.

You know, guys, there's a lot of other shows on Netflix you could watch.

I'm just going to put that out there.

A lot of shows on Netflix.

You don't have to watch Tires.

Come see me live.

I'm going everywhere.

In April, I'll be in Philly and I'll be in Nashville.

We're doing Four Story Wars Live for the Nashville Comedy Festival at the beginning of April.

And then also at the end of the month, I will be in San Diego.

Go to my website, LewisOskanks.com, for all the touring information.

If you guys love this show, the uncensored, ad-free version of the show is available exclusively on Gas Digital.

There's an on-demand library with probably a dozen shows that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else at this point.

And

you get access to the live chat, and it's a lot of fun.

So go subscribe to Gast Digital, use that promo code WAR, and obviously check out all my other podcasts, Legion of Skanks, the Regs, and the Lewis and Zach Show.

Now,

Matt,

Joe, you guys are feeling pretty low probably right now.

Yeah,

that's fine.

You seem like you're down and out, but I promise you you're not.

Because to mix things up over here at Story Wars, our final four stories goes double points.

Holy shit.

Thank you.

Quest Love and the Boys.

So, whereas before, if you fooled somebody and it was your story, you'd get one point.

If you guessed the right story, you get two points.

Now,

it's double points.

You're so happy.

Look at their double-point shirts.

Double points.

G-Mike.

G-Mike, where were y'all?

Jesus Christ, G-Mike.

God damn it.

One more time, G-Mike.

One more time.

Story number

five.

There we go.

Story number five.

I microwaved a turd in a cup

and hid it between someone's computer towers in their room.

I mean, this has DeRosa.

This has

all around.

Everything the vile horrendous touches is slop.

Mr.

Horrendous

one of the all-time big.

Dare I say this reeks of the vile horrendous?

I am the vile horrendous.

Meanwhile.

God.

I love shit.

I mean, this is truly vile and horrendous.

You know, DeRosa loves shit.

One of my favorite stories of all time, back in we had to share hotel rooms days, it was me, Joe, and Kareem Green, who's black.

And

Joe came out of the shower naked because this would make me laugh, and then spread his butt cheeks and walked over to me and Kareem.

Kareem was not enjoying it, and then Joe tried to push out a fart and instead shit a little turd nugget.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was it hot out?

You should have wrote that down.

Was it hot outside?

It's a little remnant of the vile horrendous.

The chronicle.

The vile horrendous strikes again.

The vile horrendous.

The ongoing adventures of the vile horrendous.

Another time in a hotel,

me and two of my boys were sharing a hotel room in Atlantic City to gamble one night.

And I went into the bathroom to take my shower first, and I shit into the soap dish and just left it next to the safe.

And just walked out like nothing was happening.

And my buddy went into the bathroom.

I heard him go, come on, dog.

Yeah, he should have fought you.

He was real mad.

He wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night.

I would never be.

One time again.

One time me and Joe did.

I was fucking crazy.

One time me and Joe did back-to-back night gigs where we had the same hotel room.

And Joe left me in the hotel room a coffee mug of his own dick hair.

So for all those reasons we've just heard, I'm putting fucking Joe DeRosa down this this goddamn thing.

It must be Joe DeRosa.

This is horrendous, bro.

You think so?

That's what they want you to think.

Yeah, I think it's Joe.

It could be Shane, though.

Shane also.

I would literally never in a million years do this.

Shane, you're a real prankster.

I would never do this.

You're a real prankster.

When you were in college or something, you might...

You told the story of the last Story Wars about your buddy shitting on top of the...

It was somebody else.

It was somebody else.

I think better than you for that.

I don't think that.

Yeah, thanks.

I had a friend, yeah.

But this is definitely shit in a Dorito bag and hid it on top of my dresser.

Oh, that's great.

Of course.

Joe's classic.

He cool ranched you, dude.

He cool ranched me.

Now,

here's the funniest part.

Not that I'm not now, but I was a big fella back then.

And I said, ooh, chips.

Now, thankfully, I went for the test.

I patted the bag first.

Come on, it smushed.

It smooshed.

And I was like, that's that smell.

It was just a nice college football prank.

How long was it there for?

About a day.

Is this post clear Dorito bag?

Remember when Dorito had a clear window on the front?

Oh, that would have been great.

Joe loves this too much outwardly.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm just killing time at this point.

We all know it's Joe.

Yeah.

It's not me.

Simple.

Yeah.

Who are you voting for?

Let's hear this lie.

I'll tell you who I'm going to vote for.

Let's just watch him lie.

No, I'll tell you who I'm going to vote for.

Mr.

Fucking dorm room pranks over here.

You think it's me?

Because his pizza pranks.

That's too far.

That's too far.

Poof's too far.

Pizza's, that's a classic prank.

Pizza's funny.

Pizza's classic.

There is.

Oh, wait, it doesn't say college dorm room.

It just says their room.

Pew.

Joe fucking bad.

That's a shitty acting, Joe.

How'd you get a fucking acting gig out?

You know what, Lewis?

You know what?

I think this was you.

I think you put a little fucking hot tamale in a cup.

He was near a computer tower?

No.

It wasn't his.

Oh.

Yeah.

And Lewis is obsessed with people that have money, so he's like, well, I'm going to be friends with this kid that has two computer towers.

You're tiny.

You're tallest.

And then they'll touch it to everybody.

And And then they'll level the playing field.

To level the playing field.

To level the playing field because you didn't like his money and his privilege.

You put a cup of shit between his nice computer towers.

I'm obsessed with people who have money.

I'm just making up facts right now.

No, no, no.

You love money.

I've seen your Instagram pics.

You can't go across the street without taking fucking pictures of it.

The vile horrendous just lashes out.

Yeah.

You've woken up the vile horrendous.

You love posting vacation pics.

What did I tell you?

I love shitting in the microwave.

No, but you would like a kid that had two computer towers.

That would really turn you on.

That's right.

This is the vile horrendous lashing out.

And then your envy kicks in, and you're like, I'm going to show this two-computer-heaven motherfucker by dropping a hot, fat shit.

Joe DeRosa with a hot taste of shit underneath him.

Joe is stretching.

It's you.

It's you.

It was Matt.

I don't know what's fucked, dude.

Who knows?

No, I don't like this.

You guys can't play together, man.

Shut the fuck up, you whiny horrendous.

I didn't say a word the whole time.

He said there's no way he would do this.

Huh?

God fucking.

Yeah, you can't believe that.

Shut up, whiny horrendous.

This is a story, Wooz.

I didn't talk the whole thing.

and it wasn't you because you were just like going with it like you wouldn't have done that if you actually did that but i don't want to point that out alex make it official

that was matt mccuskin

dude it was

it was we did have like a in my uh college dorm we had like a prank war that went on for way too long and i i that was like the bomb on hiroshima i just

i just i i like shit in a cup which was bad enough and i was like what would happen if i took the like community microwave and microwaved it, took it to the next level?

Which I did.

I think I got rid of that microwave because that would have been not food safe certified.

And then I just hid it behind.

It was two people in their dorm.

I put it behind.

There was only one computer tower.

That was a typo.

But there was a...

I put it behind there, but there was this little fan that kicks on.

So I just left and the one dude went in and took a nap.

And then woke up and was like, oh my, and they thought, they were like, I think the pipes run diagonally through the wall.

like it's a broken pipe and then we took it out and it went away and we put it back in

Matt

I know we don't know each other very well but it hurt me so much when I just thought back when he said it was you that you went too far

too far I was like I believe that you guys I just took it face down you get to know Matt he's also a vile horrendous

he's cleaned his act up but it's deep in there

you You never fully lose the vial.

Alex, where are our points at?

It's flying dormant for years.

It's like tremors worms.

That was a big one.

That was a big one.

I mean,

you just swept up, dude.

Oh, my God.

That's right, because it's double points.

That was a big one.

This should be a show

on TV.

It's so good.

You guys, you're cooking.

Alex,

Alex, where are our points at?

On the scoreboard in last place with two points.

Change his name to the next one.

Joe DeRosa.

Tied for third place with six points each.

The Story Warriors.

Uh-oh.

That was cheap.

They knew each other's stories, Jay.

We even started cheating for each other.

In second place with eight points, Matt McCusker.

Huge.

And in the lead with nine points, Shane Gillis.

It's double points.

Double points.

I don't like it.

Wait a minute.

Also, are you dressed like me?

God damn it.

Oh, that's fucking cool.

They came dressed like us.

I like that.

I don't like that.

Wait, how is he dressed like?

I don't even...

Because I have that hat and I use some

mustache.

That guy should have yelling glasses.

That's Dave Smith.

Oh, there, save your glasses.

Nice.

What if it was actually just Dave?

We won't include him on the show.

And here's the fourth guy, our coach.

Look at this motherfucker.

That's me.

What's up, dog?

Looking good.

God damn it.

Galaxy.

Time for story number six.

DeRosa.

I'm writing it now.

I gotta be honest, I thought that last story was me.

I became fucking convinced.

Funny when that happens, isn't it?

It's funny when that happens.

Dude, we all just shit on DeRosa.

We're like, you piece of shit, fuck you.

You fucking scumbag.

You scum sucking fuck.

You shit everywhere you go.

Can you hang out with a friend and not shit?

Son of a goddamn

customer's down there with his fucking dad from Family Ties Head.

And nobody would have fucking guessed it was him.

Son of a fucking bitch.

Shane, you even said to me in the green room, I go, McCusker's so clean.

And you go, he's a fucking pig.

I did tell you he was.

You did.

You warned me.

Told you, secret pig.

Secret Mile Horn is.

Are you guys having a fun time?

What a fun show.

What a fun show!

So nice watching something horrible you did pinned on someone else.

I always thought about that.

If, like, if someone went to jail for something you did, like, could you really let them go to jail?

The answer is definitely yes.

You can

easily.

Easily.

Like, fuck yes.

Woo!

It wasn't me.

It was a judge.

The judge is a fucking idiot.

It's not my fault.

All right, Alex.

Story number six.

Story number six.

When I was in middle school, my best friend lost a fight.

He then went into his house and got his dad's gun and chased the kid who beat him up.

To avoid having his parents kill him, we made up a story where I took the heat for the entire situation.

He was no longer allowed to hang out with me.

Jordan, how's that a hot?

What does that have to do with

heat?

Yeah.

It was hot outside.

It was a summer day.

His dad's gun, dude.

He had the heat.

True, this is the first time Lewis has acted puzzled and not accused someone immediately.

First of all, this is way too many words.

I don't write long-ass stories like that.

Yeah.

This is a lot of words.

And yeah, I don't have a dad.

Thank you very much.

I don't have a dad.

Thank you very much.

Because black chicks knows what's up.

This is another dissertation from the great Vile Horrendous.

God damn.

But I don't know

which one of you is corny enough.

This is fucking Okerson.

Because let me tell you, when Okerson was growing up, he was a sap.

And

he would have taken the heat on something like this.

Because Jay has told me many times he was desperate for friends.

And he would have let,

Jay would have 100% taken this rap so somebody would love him.

And it blew up in his face.

Just don't forget his dad abandoned him when he was very young.

All these things happened.

That should happen.

Yeah.

I'm going DeRosa.

He wrote it down.

It's DeRosa.

No, this is Jay, 100%.

This is Joe DeRosa's bad acting once again.

And I want you to know when this is you, Joe,

you said a lot of things right there you can't take back.

I know.

I know.

But listen, you said a lot of things to me right there.

Jay, voting for me won't bring him back.

A little piece of him will.

This is gay Jay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, open it up.

I'm going to say,

your hands are ready off it.

Oh, all right, well, that's my vote.

But I will say, Jay voted very quickly, and I feel like Jay got very excited to throw it on DeRosa.

That threw me off as well.

I got DeRosa written down, but.

It's Jay or DeRosa.

Although the

shoehorning in the heat, it reminds me of the Vile Horrendous story.

Where it was just like, and also it was hot.

I took the heat.

It had nothing to do with heat.

No.

Think back to the beginning when they were explaining how the different ways you could use the term heat.

Jay led that conversation.

Think back to the beast

at the beginning.

You don't know what it's like to only hang out with alcoholics.

You got to go, think back 10 minutes ago, and your buddy goes,

It was an eternity.

I can't remember.

I mean, I'm foggy on it, too.

Me and DeRosa have been drinking for a week.

We're not even close.

Are we in London still?

I'm telling you, this is something Jay would have done.

All jokes aside, this was something Jay would have done.

Jay is veins.

God damn.

Because I know you, and I know you.

I think Jay's trying to deflect right now.

I'm going to go with my instinct, Big Jay Okerson.

He is a good friend.

This seems like something that Jay would do.

But would he shoehorn Heaton?

Yes.

That's something DeRosa would do.

Or would I go home to my parents and take the

it was me with the gun.

Yes.

That's bad shit.

Yes.

I don't even remember the story.

Can't see the goddamn monitor.

Kid took the heat for the money.

When I was in middle school, Alex, read the fucking thing.

I can't even see it.

What's the heat?

When I was in middle school, my best friend lost a fight.

He then went into his house and got his dad's gun and chased the kid who beat him up.

To avoid having his parents kill him, we made up a story where I took the heat for the entire situation.

Let me tell you what DeRosa did right there.

When he was thinking of the story, he goes, Yeah, but these guys just reread it.

You just looked at it.

And then I took the heat

for it, and you got excited.

Dude, he's trying to throw this off of himself hard right now.

He's defending hard.

This is Jay.

What's the heat?

For the gun?

Is it heat for the gun?

What if it's both of them?

What if Joe's the kid with the gun and Jay took the heat?

What would that be?

I think it's Jay.

Now I'm starting to think it could be Lewis.

I think it's Lewis.

It could be Lewis because I don't think he had parents that would care if he came on with that story.

No, I think think this thing just threw away a vote.

Jay, 100%.

Yeah.

You're going to be so proud.

I might be wrong.

I can't tell if Lewis.

I can't tell if Lewis gets.

Alex, whose story is that?

I knew it was Lewis.

Alex.

Fucking cocks.

Holy shit, you guys.

That story belongs to Lewis Jay Gomez.

I just cleaned the fuck up.

You truly thought it was Jay.

I always forget that Lewis could take heat from people because he had no supervision.

So, what happened was my best friend, John Hickey, his dad was a cop, and he was kind of a dork.

And this other kid in the neighborhood just beat the shit out of him in front of like his little brothers, the whole neighborhood, just watching him get his ass kicked.

And I was trying to coach him from the side.

I was like, John, get up, John, stop getting your ass beat.

And then John ran into his house and got his dad's fucking revolver and chased the kid up the road.

And everyone was like, all these kids just scattered in opposite directions.

And then, you know, obviously they fucking freaked out.

And everyone told their parents.

And yeah, we told John's parents that I just yelled, oh, watch out.

He's going to go get his dad's gun.

And they believed it because they're retarded cops.

And yeah, then

he didn't get in trouble, but his parents made him stop being friends with me.

It's funny you think it's because they were retarded cops.

Not because they're clearly cops and they're not going to arrest a cop's kid.

Maybe that's true, too.

Yeah, they believe me.

I pulled the wool over their eyes.

You know, hold on a second.

I'm a cop.

Let's hear this Puerto Rican kid's account.

I also understand how did that work?

You said you told him to get the gun or you said.

I said that I screamed at him.

I feel like these points shouldn't count because the story is not that good.

The heat?

Yeah.

The heat.

You took the heat.

I took the heat.

I knew it was Lewis.

He did right at the end.

Right at the end, you know.

Right at the end, I realized it was Lewis.

And Lewis was the one at the beginning.

Remember back at the beginning?

Yeah.

He's puzzled.

I said, this is the first time he's been like, what?

Lewis was the one that said the movie heat.

Yeah.

It was right in front of our fucking faces.

Joe, this has nothing to do with the movie Heat.

No, but you use heat in the same way.

You can just say whatever.

But I'm saying, you use heat in the same way that the title of the movie is.

Stop yelling at me.

Plug not.

Plug your movie podcast.

You don't like this heat right now?

It's called We'll See You in Hell.

And I don't make my friends do anything for it.

I have another cold, refreshing Bud Light.

Goes down smooth and easy.

Why don't you pass me one of those two?

I'm getting the shit knocked out of me on this game, bro.

You wish, you vile fucking radius.

Joe's getting the shit out of me.

I'm getting the shit knocked out of me.

He goes, I thought you got a handle on that.

Alex,

Lewis, by a million.

Fuck.

In last place with two points.

All right, Alex.

Can you

change your tone, please?

Also, for real, changes the changes vile horrendous on the scoreboard.

Alex, you could put your fucking Vanna White delivery over there.

Stop it.

She could put a little more respect on your name for sure.

In last place with two points.

The vile, horrendous Joe DeRosa.

The vile horrendous.

That name's not going anywhere.

No time swings.

I'm retitling my special to Bio Horrendous.

You should.

You're locked in.

And you're going to be trying to talk to girls, and they're going to go, why do they call you that?

And they go.

He goes, oh, it's worse than you think.

Oh, sit down.

Well,

when I was young, it would get hot.

Follow me so far.

Are you with me?

You keep it up.

You keep it it up, sweetheart.

Just tell her it wasn't your story, but it wasn't my story.

It was Louis J.

Gomez's.

Yeah, she'll believe that.

She's got to go through the archives to find out.

Alex?

In fourth place with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

I had that.

In third place, with eight points, Matt McCusker.

In second place with nine points, Shane Gillis.

and in the lead with 14 points Louis J

Gomez

I love winning

well hold on

it's still anybody's game how many more stories do we have two more all right

anybody's game

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number seven.

Story number seven.

I once ate hot wings called suicide wings and forgot to wash my hands before peeing.

My penis went numb for a full night.

I know this has me written all over it.

It is not me.

Yes, it is.

I promise it's not.

Yes, it is.

It's either you or Jay.

What?

It's food-related, so it's either you or Shane.

Everything you'll do is food-related.

And honestly, hold on.

Against all odds, you have a worse body than both of us.

Are you nuts?

No, I'm not.

I've seen you.

You're out of control.

You're an old Egyptian man.

Your body is for real like a prehistoric.

It's fucked up.

So go ahead with the food-related shit.

Go make your sandwiches.

You bitch shit.

Back there, true.

Go get me one right now.

That's very hurtful.

And Joe's also on testosterone, which is psychotic.

It's not doing anything.

Why is it psychotic?

Because look at you.

I'm fighting against it.

Every day's a battle.

It's done nothing.

I'm pushing through it.

No, that's not true.

I should be way more of a disaster than I am.

It's Let Me Skate By with a C-.

Slightly above average?

Or below average?

Is that what you think?

Why are you coming at me?

Back the fuck off of me right now.

I'll tell you exactly what Shane's doing, though.

A lot of fucking

basil.

Telling you right now, it's not about me.

Big Jay doesn't eat chicken wings.

He won't eat wings on the bone.

You did this last time with the goddamn ocean.

Jay hates the ocean and chicken on the bone.

He's right though that bone written down.

He's right in that boat, though.

I do hate chicken on the bone.

I'll do the flat.

Flat wings, though, now.

I'd do like the flat.

What do you like?

Flat or the drumstick?

I just do flat.

Drumstick is for dumb idiots.

What?

No, I'm sorry.

If you like the drumstick,

it's just stupid people.

Flat wings are for girls.

Flat wings, you give to a girl.

Flat wings are manly as shit, dude.

Why?

Why are they not?

You're trying to manly up fucking flat.

That's crazy.

The flat wings.

That's crazy.

Why are the drumsticks dumb?

The cleanest, easiest way to eat a wing is dumb?

Because a dumb person needs an easy way to eat a wing.

Sorry, drumstick, I think.

Some of us come from races that are embarrassed to eat like that.

All right?

We all didn't grow up selling mangoes in fucking Harlem

where it's normal to have chicken bones on your front stoop.

Damn, dude.

You are catching Shane.

Go at him right now.

You're people who eat with your hands.

Go at him right now.

Leave me alone.

You're Egyptian.

It's not me, Jason.

Jason, don't do it, I swear.

All right?

There's no way it's not.

It's not me.

There's no way it's not not.

I promise it's not me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, this has happened.

I didn't write it down.

Matt's eyes are flickering around a little bit, though.

Does Shane have a story?

Has Shane had a story in yet?

Yes.

Yeah.

He went to Jamaica and fought with his girlfriend.

That's right.

He had your story.

He did have my story.

But

I

mean this for real.

Did someone fart up here or is the vial horrendous?

I swear to God I did not fart.

Not me.

No, you can't horrendous back because it's a little hot on the stage.

It isn't horrendous.

No, don't.

You're going to smell his ass?

Not smelling that fucking thing.

Why is there fluid on it?

It's not farting on our left.

Not short of gun.

Oh, no.

No.

No.

Short of gun.

It wasn't me.

Are you guys cheating?

No.

No.

We could have it more.

You could be lying.

I wouldn't lie on camera.

Matt's already hurt me like this before.

I would also say

the only thing that tipped it to Shane over Jay for me was that Shane is more likely to eat wings

all the time.

But here's the thing.

Jay doesn't like food on the bone, but I would also have argued this might be one of the things that led him to not liking food on the bone.

Also, these couldn't say bone in wings.

These could be boneless wings.

That's true.

No, they would say boneless wings.

Because people specify that.

Yeah, that's not wings.

I wouldn't have because that would have really given.

But Jay also might be playing a different level right now because he told the ocean story knowing that he doesn't do the ocean.

The wings story.

I'm starting to think this actually could be.

Let's see who you vote for.

I'm voting for Big J.

He voted first.

He threw it very quickly to somebody else.

That's a JTEL.

I'm going Big Jay Okris in.

And I heard you guys cheating with each other.

I didn't see either of you.

I told you it's not me from the start.

Jay answered fast, which is guilty, but he did that before.

I'm going to go Lewis, actually.

Fool.

I can't let him pull away with another sweep.

I can't let him pull away with another sweep.

No, he can't pull away with another.

Matt and Shane are genuinely cheating.

No, we're not cheating.

How would we whispering together?

No, we're not.

If we're cheating, he just lied to me and he deceived me.

And then ultimate betrayal.

Shane with Shane was

these guys being so mean to each other.

It's crazy.

The rose is quietly getting excited.

No, I just, I just, I'm so positive.

It's Shane.

It's ridiculous.

It's not like it.

I have nothing else to say.

Okay.

I would have told you at this point.

Yeah.

I would have gone.

It's me.

You know what?

I want to say that.

I think it was Lewis made a weird, guilty face, but then you answered fast.

Motherfucker winked at me last time.

Hold on, I got Jane.

Alex, who was it, Alex?

Oh, fuck.

Stories are in.

Oh, it is.

God damn it.

Damn.

God damn it.

I'll be so excited.

Guess who's back in the game?

That story belongs to Joe DeRosa.

Joe DeRosa comes back in the game.

Holy shit.

Clean sweep Joe DeRosa.

That's what we're calling you from, dude.

A million points.

Now I'm solely in last place.

I never win this game.

Fuck.

So yeah, Joe, tell us about this.

I mean, the story's really all there on paper.

I just ate some hot wings, touched my dick, my dick went over.

It sucked, and I never ate really super hot wings ever again.

It was a place called Airport Wings.

You could just start washing your hands.

Huh?

You could just start washing your hands.

Airport Wings?

It was called Airport Wings.

It was near the airport in Putz.

It was when I was in college.

Was that right near the same complex as Car Wash Steak?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You numb dick vile horrendous.

It's all over there.

Gas station pizza, car wash steak.

We should have gotten that right away.

Numb penis?

Yeah.

Classic vial.

No, they had these wings that were called attempted suicide that were super hot and then suicide.

And it was the hottest thing I've ever eaten in my life.

Like, I would never, I'll probably never be famous enough to do it, but I would never do hot wings.

Like, I think that's or hot ones.

I think that's insane that people go on that show.

Just rub them on your dick when you go on there.

Just rub them.

That's the way I would do it.

I'd say, I'm only doing it if I can touch my dick after every bite.

Start stroking yourself right to that guy.

I like your jacket, man.

Why does

you have a blotchy dick?

What?

Do you have a blotchy hot dick?

Yeah.

Why do they not let people wear gloves on hot ones?

They do?

Yeah, like, why?

It's so dangerous.

You could touch your eye or your penis.

I don't know.

Anyway, you know, I did it.

Yeah, no, I know.

How bad were the wings?

Was it?

I mean, this was like

the second this touched your lip, your lip was no.

The one called the bomb was really, really bad.

Yeah.

Other than that, it was fine.

Really?

It wasn't that bad?

Yeah, that's why my episode was like 10 minutes.

Yeah.

She was literally just like, what are we doing?

Just give me wings.

Like, where do you come up with your jokes?

I don't want to talk about that.

Like, these guys aren't making a lot of money.

Any grown man offers you milk?

It's really good.

Go for some milk, Philadelphia.

I was like,

yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh, that's a shakeup.

Pull up these points.

That's a huge.

Let's hear this.

I got a whiz so bad.

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with six points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Damn, Jay.

Jay, by the way, my claps have died out.

Are you guys angry at me that I'm losing?

It's truly they want to do the math on DeRosa.

The vile fucking slimes points.

It's truly anybody's game still, by the way.

You're not out of this game, Jay.

In fourth place with eight points, Matt McCusker.

All right, pick it up.

In third place with nine points, Shane Gillis.

There's a train coming, big dog.

All the way way in second place with 10 points.

Joe DeRosa.

Oh.

You only moved to second?

And still in the lead with 14 points.

Lewis Jay Gomez.

One more story.

One more story.

It's anybody's game.

Jay can still catch up.

It's anybody but mine's game, pretty much.

That's not true.

I could tie you.

You could tie me.

That's a big deal.

It doesn't matter as long as it stays here because I don't want to lose O'Reilly's JavaScript pocket reference.

It's a concise.

I got a pistol handle.

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Its clarity and portability make it helpful for quick syntax checks and code maintenance.

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Let's go.

Alex.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I went to the Dominican Republic with my cousin and caught him jerking off in the closet.

You want to just yell Matt McCusker and go to the bathroom?

No, I don't know.

It's gotta be.

This is some fucking white lotus shit.

Yeah, we all know what you did in that closet, Matt.

I think this is Lewis.

I've never been to the Dominican Republic.

Well,

that's all I would say that.

This is.

You said today you have.

When did I say that?

We were talking about sugar in the Dominican Republic.

When you told him about this story of catching a cousin.

Yeah, he did.

He literally did.

He's playing everyone.

No, he said he's been there before.

No, it's.

this is this is every element of one of your stories.

You are it's got trip to another country, Spanish-speaking country,

and slightly gay.

Been a fucking Nino jacking off.

Cousins, jerking off,

Latino, jerking off.

Alex, did you remove, and then I finished him off?

Alex, did you remove the word doggy from this story?

Now, I'm letting you know,

Shane and Matt right now are doing a little double team, like the basketball game.

It does seem like cahoots.

Basketball is a two-on-two game.

Basketball is supposed to be a two-on-two game.

It's two-on-two.

I'm not doing anything.

Would Lewis go with his.

Yeah, obviously.

I was going to say family.

I've never been to the Dominican Republic.

Matt and Shane are playing us like fiddles right now.

They're in cahoots.

They just want to bring this book home and fucking

lashing out.

Yeah, it's Matter.

It's true.

I got a 2011 Mac.

I got a debug.

What's that year again?

2011.

Oh, you're good, man.

You're good.

Hold on, hold on.

With the vial slime,

would you ever go on vacation with your cousins?

Yes.

Yeah.

Did he have a nice upbringing?

It was okay.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Pretty normal.

You ever go to the Dominican Republic with your cousins?

No.

No.

No.

But am I allowed to say this?

No.

I don't think it's me or Matt because we don't know.

You don't think it's you?

Well.

Listen.

Strange thing to say.

Shane and I.

I don't believe this is my story.

Shane and I were in Dublin on Saturday.

It got pretty heavy over there.

That's fair.

That is fair.

No,

I don't think it's Matt because Matt's already had two stories.

Yes, it is.

Well, no, no, no.

It's all randomized.

It's completely randomized.

It's completely randomized.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I didn't know that.

But the numbers would tell you that this could be Mr.

Shane Gillis.

For sure.

Shane, have you been to DR?

No.

I have not.

You've never been to the Dominican Republic?

I've been to Jamaica.

How many times?

Twice.

Sick.

He hasn't blinked since he said that.

Yeah, I haven't gone to.

Matt, have you been to DR?

Yeah.

I didn't really like it.

Well, yeah, you watch your cousin Jack.

What island have you never been to?

Did you burst into flames as soon as you walk out in the sun?

I've never been to DR.

You said you were on

Puerto Rico six times.

My family went to DR in Ocean City, Maryland.

Yeah, and my grandma had a Hilton Head condo.

I've definitely never been to DR.

Shout out to Hilton Head.

Nobody, Lewis, nobody from Jay Down does Dominican Republic.

Shane makes a good point.

We're Jersey Shore people, you know?

True.

No, Matt's a little adventurer.

I went there.

I'm telling you, I've been to the Dr.

I would have heard Matt tell you.

I would lie.

If this was my story, I would say no, but

I've been to the DR twice.

But

they're playing the game together.

No one else is extremely.

This is suspicious because when you cover for him this hard, it's usually him.

I covered for him last time.

I didn't say it was not Matt.

Yeah.

The shit tower story?

Yeah, you did.

You specifically said it was not Matt.

You said no way Matt would do that ever.

And then you waited for all of us to vote.

You waited for all of us to vote.

And then you voted last.

Yeah, you voted last.

You got the points anyway.

This is the fucking pig McCusker.

I would say it's not Matt.

This could could be DR.

It's either Shane or Matt.

Shane's only had one story in, but it is all random.

Yeah, I think.

But DeRosa has a nice family?

What year D.R.

are talking about?

But listen, listen, listen.

What year, DR, are we talking?

I don't know.

What year did you go?

This would strike me more as like young adult DeRosa going with his cousin.

Yeah.

I was going to say, this sounds to me more like we went as kids as a family, and I caught my cousin.

Hey, how about this?

Why don't you guys do your votes?

You scumbags.

I'm still waiting for more information.

You do your fucking votes.

Yeah.

Because now I don't know.

I was going to write DeRosa.

It's not me.

I'm telling you, it's not me.

It's not DeRosa.

It's not Big Jay.

Big Jay's never been to DR.

And it's not me.

100%.

No.

Not been a DR.

I've only been to other countries when it was for work, like shows.

Like, I've never gone.

This is in my.

I'm just going to DeLewis so DeRosa wins.

Yeah, that is true.

DeRosa.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Well, dude, if it's DeRosa, he actually wins his game if nobody votes for him.

Damn it.

I don't think it's DeRosa, though.

It's not me.

When I met DeRosa, like, he had not been almost anywhere when I met you.

You haven't traveled almost anywhere when I met you.

No, I would never take a vacation like this.

I mean, DR is a shit country.

No, I'm not even saying that.

I'm just saying.

A jerk, a jerk off trip with your cousin.

Yeah.

I'm not a vacation guy.

Like, it's just not a thing that interests me greatly.

I can see Shane taking family vacations.

And he said his, oh, and this is bullshit.

He said Ocean City, Maryland, but he said his family took him, his uncle specifically took him to Jamaica.

I feel like he's regularly going on Caribbean vacations with this uncle and his cousin.

My boat is Shane fucking Gillis.

Bang.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Did McCusker road Shane?

Yes.

No, fuck that.

It's It's McCusker.

I'm sticking with this.

I'm sticking with it.

It's McCusker.

I think you're retarded.

The face that Shane just made at you is so ridiculous.

You still voted.

You, I guess, you put Matt, he looked at you and he went.

And then you just did it anyway.

I mean, that's crazy.

I didn't see him do it.

Your instincts were so bad.

Holy shit, dude.

God damn it.

God damn it.

God damn it.

Alex, make it official.

Whose story is this?

I saw your face.

Oh, my God.

That story belongs to Shane Gillis.

I netted the pig.

I drank one pig.

When did you go to the big Republic with your piece?

I think I was in eighth grade.

He was in

seventh.

He's not actually my cousin, but.

You call him cousin?

So it's okay that you guys had sex.

Yeah.

No, the whole time.

The whole time, he was taking showers and being, it was hour-long showers.

And I was like, bro, I know this game.

You're jacking off, and that's okay.

It's still dirty.

It's still dirty.

And the whole week, he was like, I'm not jacking off.

And I was like, dude, I know it's totally okay.

And he would turn the shower on and be like, I'm not jacking off.

And then

finally on the last day, I was like, I'm going to fucking rip the curtain open and catch this little fucker fucker because he's definitely been jacking off in the shower that he and I are sharing the entire week.

So I go in and I rip the curtain open on the last day.

The shower is running and empty.

And I go, holy fuck, where is he?

And then I turn around and there was like a wardrobe closet.

And I opened it and he was sitting on a chest, naked, going.

And I had enough time, like, he didn't see me open the door, so I had enough time to go, what are you doing?

From that day forward, he's been known as the whack-off king.

He is the king.

To this day, I still call him the king of the king.

Alex, give us our final points.

All right.

Our final scores.

Tied for last place with 10 points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Joe DeRosa.

I didn't get anything.

I only got you're down here with the fucking vial horrendous.

Train's coming, dog.

Last place.

Oh, God damn it, dude.

I hate that you prance around pretend to be blue collar and you're fucking flying off to the Dominican Republic.

We had rich family friends that took us there twice.

That was the only place I ever went.

Alex?

That's not a lie.

In third place with 11 points Shane Gillis that's pretty good

11 points is respectable I would never have 10

I hate that you beat me by one point so bad right now god damn it

in second place with 12 points Matt McCusker

Honorable Sean making tonight's winner with 18 points Louis Jay Gomez

once again

Luis J.

Gomez keeps the book in-house at the Story Awards Library.

Thank you so much.

Have a big round of applause for all of our guests joining us tonight.

Matt McCosker, the great Shane Gillis,

Joe DeRosa.

Thank you so much, Mothership, for hanging out with us and coming to support Story Awards.

We'll see you next time.

Until then, peace.