036. Keith Robinson, Rachel Feinstein, & Dru Montana | Anger

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Ogerson and Louis Jay Gomez.

What's up?

What's up?

What is up, everybody?

How you feeling out there?

Make some noise.

Welcome to Story Wars.

Ooh, it's bright here today.

Welcome to Story Wars, everybody.

We are your Story Warriors, Big Jay Okerson, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Louis Jay Gomez, everybody.

Hello, what's up, guys?

All right.

Look at this.

You got a sold-out show here at the stand?

No one knows.

It's audio.

Yeah, dude.

We always ask every time we do the show, how many people here are familiar with Story Wars?

How many people here are not familiar with Story Wars?

I just watched this guy go, what the fuck is this?

This guy's in the

comedy club.

Yeah.

This sucks shit.

This guy wanted the possibility that Dave Chappelle or somebody famous was gonna walk in.

It's not happening, sir.

If you are new to the show, we will explain it momentarily once we get our amazing contestants up here on the stage.

Let's start bringing them up right now.

Our first contestant tonight on Story Wars, you know him from the Durag and the Deer Tag podcast.

Philadelphia Zone, the hilarious Drew Montan, everybody.

I

get

you

And our second contestant, you know her from her brand new special on Netflix called Big Guy.

Clapping up as loud as cat for Rachel Feinstein.

Beautiful lady,

you find a lady, lovely lady.

Who's that?

We'll find

a lady.

Who's that?

Here we come.

Who's the head lady?

And last but not least, our final contestant, everybody, also from the fighting city of Philadelphia, my mentor in comedy.

I owe so much to this guy.

He also has two specials that you can check out.

It is the legend, the hilarious Keith Robinson.

You know me, I'm your friend, your main boy, the thing.

I'm your pusher.

I'm your pusher.

The audience actually thinks it's our senior hall.

Ain't not clean, bad machine, super cool, super.

Feeling good, full of land, super flat, you're not standing, secret stash, fabric bread, fat as pitches, and the fan.

I'm gonna push him.

I would rather

push him.

Well, we want you to be at the end of the table in case you had to make a quick escape.

He is also the head writer.

He was the head writer on Leave It to Beaver and Sanford and Sons.

If there's a fire in here, me and Rachel are fucked, dude.

We're cooked if there's a fire.

he goes everyone's gonna we gotta go in order man sorry single file man

uh thank you all three of you for joining us today uh quick explanation of the game if you're unfamiliar with story wars everybody on this panel including lewis and i have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject tonight's subject lewis anger anger our lovely producer alex is going to read those stories off one at a time they will appear here on the screen if it is your story you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else.

It's not your story.

And if it is your story, or if it's not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

And for every correct guess, you get two points.

Every person you fool, you get one point.

Whoops.

And once you write the name on this dry erase board and put it in the slot, that is your final answer.

It sounds a lot more confusing than it is.

This guy wants to leave already.

We'll give you a refund on tickets, sir.

That's okay.

We're going to have a great time.

You're about to have the greatest night of your fucking life.

Sir, we're going to blow your fucking mind.

Your wife is was gonna leave you before tonight but after tonight's show we've just saved a relationship for another six months

we just bought you six more months of living this lie the sham of a marriage hold on hold on hold on

i can't write okay that is gonna be a problem

do you want to whistle he can't he can't read either but he can read um menus with pictures on them oh nice so that's in that case that's helpful we just give you a picture of everybody up here and you can put it on the thing he can read i hop menus, but that's all.

I'm going to try now.

I'm going to try to do it on the left hand.

Let's get awesome.

Want me to help him or something?

No, no, no, Rachel.

You're in competition with him.

You're going to cheat.

That's true.

That is true.

Well, here's the thing, also, guys.

I know what you think we're just playing for fun.

We're not playing for fun.

Rachel actually asked me.

She was like, is there a prize or something?

Funny you should ask, Rachel.

Of course, it's a prize.

Every week here, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars Library.

Tonight's book you're playing for is Dove in an Iron Cauldron by Hadass Knox.

Holy shit.

Right?

1850, Hudson, New York.

America teeters on the edge of upheaval, a cauldron of tension as the spiritualist movement casts its eerie spell over a divided nation.

Fleeing famine in Ireland, May Connolly dreams of a quiet life, but her husband's betrayal forces her in the Hudson's shadowed corners.

There, her gift for speaking with the dead becomes both a fragile salvation and a dangerous curse.

Dubbed the pretty little spiritualist, May's growing notoriety draws admirers and skeptics alike.

None more determined than Clement Stoker, a conductor on the Underground Railroad, bent on unmasking her as a fraud.

So it's not for nothing.

1850.

That was like legit, impressive.

Jay, I don't know if you guys know this, but Jay comes from old money.

You guys may not be aware.

Old West Philadelphia.

Generational wealth.

This generation.

I don't even know what things are.

She was married in the great Howard Johnsons.

That's right.

My father, Mr.

Gatsby.

I think everyone's ready to play this fucking game.

What do you say?

I think so.

Are we ready for war?

And then, Alex, with no further ado, story number one.

Story number one.

I once completely spazzed on an ex because they dropped my sandwich on the train tracks.

I actually cried watching my sandwich get run over.

I mean, this sounds like a Big J story.

And I'm not calling that.

I thought we were all going to just say Rachel for sure.

It's me crying over a sandwich?

Well, I mean, Jay, you are the biggest on the panel.

It is girl stuff for sure, and that either is Rachel or Big Jay.

That is fair.

That is fair.

These nails were meant to hold tears back on a subway platform.

Whoever story.

Girl stuff is offensive.

I prefer whole stuff or badge stuff.

I got it.

Whoever's story this is, they get their eyebrows surveyed and they paint their nails.

It's gay.

What?

It's absolutely gay.

You think I cried over a sandwich, genuinely?

How dare all of you?

All I know is whoever's story this is is still looking for his dad at OzFest every year.

Look that up.

I'm still proud of the line.

I'm still M.

Can I just, wait, but what about Keith?

Is his home attendant going to come or what's gonna happen i don't

i mean keith would drop a sandwich let's go to a caller and decide whether we should have keith's home attendant help we not have stroke jokes yeah can we please although keith is again most likely to drop a sandwich on train tracks

well the ex dropped the sandwich right maybe keith was the ex yeah maybe they dropped was keith's cane for marshalls really incorporated it was keith marshalls cane that tapped the sandwich on the old tracks.

But I will say that also, this could be broke.

This could also be a broke thing.

Okay, you dropped a sandwich, and several of us have been broke here, very broke, where we would cry.

But Drew is the one that's currently broke, is what you're saying.

But what I was getting at in the nicest way is that Drew is currently the broken.

I would still cry over a dropped sandwich for Drew.

Big Jay definitely was being mean, and then he pulled back because he looked at Drew and he was like, oh shit.

I like Drew so much.

He's such a nice guy.

What the fuck is that?

So what?

Get Drew.

Fuck Drew.

Get him.

Also, I mean, look, Philly, you're from Philly.

Three of you guys are from Philly.

They love their sandwiches in Philly.

It could be any of the three guys.

You like sandwiches where you're from.

What the fuck is that?

Yeah.

What do you not eat?

Sandwiches from Jersey?

I mean, not enough to cry over it.

We don't have criable sandwiches.

We do have criable sandwiches.

I know.

But if it was me, I would have wrote cheese steak.

That's not a sandwich in my life.

That would have been too obvious.

They'll change that.

No, no, no, no.

He's from Syracuse.

Oh, that's true.

Correct.

Originally from Syracuse where they don't even have trains, I don't think.

Right.

Well, but I think Keith only weeps when a hooker steals things from him, or sometimes.

Haven't you gotten robbed by hookers?

That's the only time I think he's cried.

Yeah, there's no way he cried twice.

We've all been robbed by hookers, Rachel.

How about you stop being so judgmental?

And by the way, you're not crying about the robber.

You're crying about the betrayal.

You told her so much for that money.

You were like, I told her about my ears and my concerns about my life.

I paid her to love me.

Now this bitch stole from me.

But you loved me.

I was going to kiss her.

I mean, people from Syracuse are notoriously pussies as well.

That's another thing.

I wouldn't cry over a sandwich.

That's insane.

You would say that.

Wait a minute.

I guess.

Yeah, I would.

I believe it is him.

I'm starting to believe it is Sue because he quivered a little bit.

He was shaking his old boots.

Because he's acting.

He tried to act like that.

Yeah, that was like a monologue.

I had a monologue.

Yeah,

don't.

And you have one, and he has one hand behind his back, which is a shifty way to say it.

That could be a tell.

You're not wrong about that.

There are tells here.

Where are they supposed to be?

Oh, inside of Keith.

He can't feel.

Wait a second.

Now, even my chips are confused.

I'm not paralyzed.

I had a stroke, man.

What the fuck?

Oh, what's up?

I've been figuring Keith this whole time, and he can feel it.

Wait a second.

I want you guys to know not as an audience not to ever feel sorry for Keith.

He's a toxic person.

He's a very bad person.

Yeah, God did this to him.

Yes, God

and Jesus had a long conversation and they were like, he absolutely deserves this.

There was a lot of conversations outside the hospital.

It was like, yeah, no, he had this one coming.

He also got his stroke when he was inside of a woman.

And he did like four more pumps after that.

Like he's not good.

He's not good.

Involuntarily four more pumps.

Oh, what?

yeah Keith is currently still an asshole yes his first sentence after he came back from the stroke he was like eh god damn it Bobby Kelly fat fuck

I met I met Keith 30 minutes ago in the green room and he the first thing he said to me was ah I could tell you ain't make it yet

Keith

Jesus Christ

Keith is that guy in behind the music that like tells Beyoncé she's never going to be anybody.

That's Keith.

He's a terrible, terrible person.

Don't forget.

He told me I dress like I shop at Suburban Outfitters and it still hurts my feelings, Keith.

I know I'm going too obvious on this, but I'm saying Rachel.

Very often when Jay puts the first vote out, it is Jay.

I will say that.

Very often, what are the stats on that?

I watched two episodes earlier and it happens often, dude, and I thought it was you already.

I'm going Jay.

Oh, you're giving somebody points.

You're giving somebody points.

Cried.

I mean, I can see you crying.

Not because of the sandwich, just because you'd be just in anger.

When you can't hit a woman, frustration, crying.

The only thing you can do is cry when you can't hit a woman.

That's true.

And she did drop my sandwich in this particular story.

When he beat her.

Yeah, yeah.

I gave her, I go, hold my sandwich, and then I hit her, then she dropped it.

Now, I know what you're thinking, cart before the horse, but I still cried.

I think it's Rachel or Jay.

Could you write

Jay down for me?

Come on.

No, you guys are giving someone.

Is this Lewis?

This might be Lewis.

You think I'd cry over a sandwich?

I do.

You think I cry over a sandwich?

Well, you're a pussy.

You're a pussy who loves sandwiches.

You love crying.

I do get emotional sometimes.

You love getting your emotions out.

You like purging.

You guys, but there's been a strange turn of events.

Excuse me, I'm a bit of an Agatha Christie myself.

Look what Keith's written.

Maybe it's this.

I love God too much.

Oh, my God.

Maybe it is that.

Maybe it did happen in the drawing room, you guys.

Keith was sucking off the butler.

It was right in front of our eyes.

Keith, you can write so good.

You put the bottom of your exclamation points a little hard.

You're still putting flair on your words.

You're so good at writing.

And he wrote that with his Marshall's cane, you guys.

It's so inspiring.

Jay, is this you?

No.

i can't believe you guys thought it was who do you really think it is rachel i put i think it could be rachel too a woman would cry over a sandwich i'm gonna put rachel even though my instinct said jay if this is

i go i go jay you're all up i no it's not it's you

i've seen you cry before

you have seen me cry before i think really what were you crying about

you cry over a girl yeah then he saw me uh come home and cry because everybody uh one girl posted a naked picture of me on a bunch of people.

Did you cry over that?

Well, not until they all, until I found out everyone I know had the picture.

But Jay was also, it wasn't just a naked picture.

Jay was doing a thing where he was holding the door frame and trying to stretch out his stomach so he wasn't as fat.

It keeps the roll straight.

You'd learn that if you subscribe to Fat Monthly.

Wait,

can you tell me a little bit about the picture?

Yeah,

my wiener was as little as possible.

I was butt naked in a Las Vegas hotel room, my arms up like this.

And

it wasn't good.

And she put, we actually got the text recently.

She wrote,

I always remember that she wrote from my perspective where she was like, hey, I'm gay and I'm in the guys.

And here's my TV credits at the time, which she did give my TV credits, but she didn't write that.

I found it recently.

She wrote,

she wrote, I recently lost 300 pounds by dumping comedian Big Jay Okerson.

Then she goes.

Not bad.

I like her.

Then she gives all my TV credits, which weren't much to tell me.

It's like the Stars Network and your balls.

That's hilarious.

It's funnier than that.

It was like Movies on Tap on Late Night Spike TV and Pete Diddy's Bad Boys of Comedy.

And then she goes,

and recently, he recently told me that he loves it up the ass.

So call him.

Oh my gosh.

She told your truth.

Yeah.

She spoke my truth.

Wow.

Alex, all of our story stories.

Now, you guys, let's go to a caller because she is on the lines right now.

Alex, all of our stories are in.

Someone got a lot of points just now.

It's Lewis.

It's fucking Lewis.

Somebody did get a lot of points.

Drew Montana.

Oh!

It was Drew Montana.

Drew Montana got all the points.

I was made for this show, dude.

I'm a conniving son of a bitch.

Drew, what happened here?

Who was this ex and where was this sandwich?

Where was this shirt?

What type of sandwich was it?

Drew wrote this story knowing he can convince you all that it was me who cried over a sandwich.

He based this off nothing more than I can convince everybody that Fat Jay cried over a sandwich.

And you probably have, Jay.

I can't say for sure that I haven't.

Puerto Rican ex-girlfriend, dude, sometimes when you get one of those, you'll just do anything to make them happy.

That ruined our day.

I'd lost my ID the day before, and she told me we were going to some bar, and I was like, I'm not going to be able to get in.

She was like, I know a guy there.

And then we went, and I couldn't get in, and I was like cold.

And then I like the only thing that was saving that day for me is I got a nice cheesesteak and I was like, I'm going to eat this on the train home.

And then I had to like answer a phone call and I was like, Can you hold this for a second?

And she cartoonishly dropped it onto the train tracks.

And I watched the subway pull up and just run over my cheesesteak.

And I think the Philadelphia subway.

Yeah, the septo.

It doesn't even work.

Yeah.

And I started yelling at her, and everyone was like, You're being crazy.

And I was like, I'm going to kill her.

What are you talking about?

You guys are being crazy.

This is nuts.

It's a killable offense.

Yeah, it's nuts.

Wait a minute.

I cried too.

So this happened in Philly.

Yes.

You only been in Philly for two years.

You cried in the past two years over a sandwich?

Yes.

I just realized.

Girl stuff, dude.

Girl stuff.

What the fuck?

You cried recently over a cheese steak.

I don't know why that does make it funnier.

If you were like 17, I would understand just being like, just being broke, overcome with emotion.

No, I was 28 years old.

I didn't think

well cry no more drew because let's look at these scores that is a housing wow he killed it on the scoreboard drew montana with four points come up oh yeah hell yeah

by the way keith uh threw my sandwich out the window too yeah you didn't cry everyone had a good laugh oh you jay it was an emotional moment for me that's the best thing like that's your your guys generation was like you'd have a slice of pizza or a sandwich and you'd be like oh let me see you throw it across the street.

It's great.

I did that.

My generation, or the generation below me, they don't, dude.

Ian Finance had a slice of pizza once.

I was like, oh, Ian, let me get a bite.

And I took it and I just threw it in the street.

And everybody around me was like, you're a piece of shit.

And I was like, what?

That's what they taught me.

It's tough love.

It's a crib.

Keith, you remember at my brokest?

I got a pack of MMs at a deli on our way home, and Kevin Hart slapped them out of my hands right when I opened them.

And I'm fat, so I opened them straight across the top.

And

they,

the sound of MMs rattling to stillness on the floor, and then he threw $2 on the ground.

And

I had to grab my knees and my pants and pull them up so I can bend down.

And by the way, there's a light in his eyes.

Like, that's the cackling of the devil.

I also fatly took the $2 and repurchased MMs.

A pack of MMs kind of looks like Kevin Hart if you think about it.

I had a tin of altoids, but also 12 Adderall in it.

And I opened it up to get an Adderall and Arish Fear comes over to me and just smacks it out of my hands.

And all the Adderall scattered into the street, and I couldn't find them.

Oh, wow.

God, what a better time.

Keith was in it.

We were

doing some rogue gig with Kevin, with Kevin Hart.

Keith goes, hey, dummy, you want a sandwich, don't you?

You want to smack your lips and have a nice fat sandwich, don't you, Kev?

And then they stop and they get him a sandwich with somewhere.

And Keith goes, what do you think you're going to put on it?

You're thinking about it?

Yeah, I think you should put some salt on it.

Kevin was innocent.

He didn't know he was dealing with the fucking Satan himself.

Just this old, old man's never been innocent.

Took it right out of his hands, hurled it on the highway.

Then I was reading a book and you go, yeah, Rachel Reed bugs me.

It bugs me.

I don't like it.

And he just threw my book out the window onto the highway.

And I was like, I didn't realize people existed like this.

Like, I was like, I never thought men were like this.

I didn't think they were so evil.

And you're like, yeah, bitch, get used to it.

An open window solves a lot of problems.

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nicotine is an addictive chemical all right let's get back into it alex uh let's go to story number two

story number two

if i'm driving and someone doesn't use their blinker when turning in front of me I will blast my horn and sometimes follow them.

That is Big Jay.

This is Lewis.

Lewis also.

It's Lewis.

This is me.

This is Lewis.

That's probably you.

It's not me, so I think it's definitely you.

It's not me.

I'm 100% positive.

This This is Big J.

Sorry, I've heard Big Jay.

He follows people.

This is the real thing that he does.

Did it recently?

Wait a minute.

What's one?

What's blinker?

Keith doesn't know how to use a comma.

It's not Keith.

You can't drive either.

It's definitely not him.

Driving, and someone's using their blinker when turning in front.

I mean, look at him rereading it.

You piece of shit.

Buddy, this is too basic.

I think it's Jay.

It could also be Rachel, though.

No, no, no.

Girls have road rage.

No, girls are on fire.

Rachel cannot drive.

No, but neither can Lewis.

Neither can Lewis, but those those type of people also believe in the moment that it's everyone else's fault.

Yeah.

And Keith can't blink, so it's not him.

He can blink.

You don't lose blinking.

I don't blink.

I know that he defended himself.

That was the saddest sentence ever.

I can't do blinking.

He can't blink.

I can't.

I can't blink him.

I'm going to make up stroke things.

Well, Keith has himself his own nipples in three years.

I can feel my nipples fine.

He actually lost his nipples the day of the stroke.

They fell off.

I can touch my nipples, though.

After the stroke, you guys, he can have an erection, but he can have a semi.

So just be careful because he gets bricked up any moment.

You never know what it's going to happen, but it's only halfway.

Enough of the stroke jokes.

Easy, baby.

Easy.

We take your things out.

Yeah, I think,

I mean, look, I just know Big J gets angry and follows people in the streets.

I do.

It does sound like.

It's not for not using their blinker.

I don't know why I think it's Rachel, but it does sound like...

I live in Jersey.

People use blinkers in Jersey.

New York City is, that's a New York City thing.

That sounds like something somebody would say to defend it, though.

Ooh.

This could be Lewis.

It could be me, so I know it could be Lewis, but I don't know if it's all Lewis.

There's one of Lewis.

That filthy Puerto Rican.

Come on.

All right, I'm with Keith.

I thought we were keeping it not racial.

They were keeping it not racial on today's show.

Dare I again say this could be racial?

Lewis is going by Scottish for this podcast.

Rachel, are you a follow-up someone and give them the finger when you catch in person, or are you not?

God, no.

I think it's her, dude.

I'm just a little hole.

I wouldn't do something like that.

She's an angry lady at heart.

I can see it.

It's absolutely Lewis.

I mean, yeah, Lewis is a...

Lewis is a, see, Jay wants to be liked too much to do that, you know?

Like, Jay's trying to make a little friendly.

Listen to me, Rachel.

Jay follows people regularly in acts of road rage.

He's talked about it a hundred times.

He's been tutorial with me for years.

I'll throw change out the window of somebody.

Yeah, you do.

I tried to throw a battery at a car recently.

I thought Jay was more of like a lifelong liar, like a deep deceiving.

That's also true.

Sure, okay, yeah.

But today's about anger.

Jay's in the middle.

Thanks, Poppy.

Can you explain some more stuff to me, Poppy?

I mean, could it be Rachel?

I couldn't imagine

following somebody.

Rachel does not drive.

But it says sometimes follow them.

And in girl stuff, that means like I followed them once.

I told you.

That means she usually honks her horn and then she's like, I tried to follow a guy for a block and then he went a different way and I had to go home.

That's what this means to me.

It's either Rachel or Jay.

I think Andrew Jay, I don't think I'm starting to think it's Keith.

But what if it's Drew again?

He's fucking crashing his game.

Drew

delivers drugs on a bicycle or something.

He doesn't drive.

He drops off.

He drops off bags of heroin on a bike.

The fucking guy cried over a sandwich a year ago.

Imagine what I'd do for a car

for somebody not putting their blinker on.

Oh, Rachel doesn't drive.

I'm going to go Keith.

You don't drive?

I do drive.

Keith is trying to

throw everybody off.

I think, by the way,

maybe.

I think it's Jay because why would you throw it to Keith, who obviously doesn't drive or follow people?

Keith drives, you guys.

This is an active disaster.

And by the way, I'm not lying either.

We can all, this shouldn't be an intervention to make him stop this show.

He isn't you fucking sneak.

Somebody just get

just get Keith.

It is.

Keith does drive.

He shots.

I know it's Keith.

And Keith, the story has to end because of his current state of health.

He could blast his horn and follow them, but that's it.

A younger Keith would follow him, get out, yell some shit, talk some shit.

I know Keith.

But now he just follows them.

It's Lois.

I still think it's Big Jack.

Lois.

Keith.

Lewis.

Lois.

It's Keith.

It's my big giant.

It's Keith.

It could be Lewis.

I think it's not Lewis.

Oh, if this is Lewis, dude, this story is wax.

Rachel, you're a fool.

Don't take your hand away.

Oh, you're an idiot.

Too late.

It's too late.

Yeah, too late.

Once your hands away, that's your last answer.

Fuck.

That's the final answer.

Can I phone a friend?

You guys stop.

Who do you think it is?

Rachel, you have to write for Keith.

He's pointing it to you.

Somebody roll him off the stage for a second.

I need a break.

You guys, we should make this at least we should try to raise money for Keith to stay at a fucking Howard Johnson's tonight or something.

He shouldn't be driving, he should be off the roads.

He's over.

You're a fool, dude.

Oh, shit.

I'm happy there,

you're and I mean, this you're

gonna lose.

You're following Big J's horseshit.

It's crazy.

He didn't vote for you.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Fuck.

You can't do it.

I never trust Lois.

As you shouldn't.

And you shouldn't.

Your instincts are correct, Keith.

Ooh.

Okay, what is it, baby?

Is he whispering all this to you?

Yeah, he is.

No, he communicates through clicks, you guys.

He's making clicking sounds.

Well, you understand Swahili, thank God.

What the fuck?

Thank God we have a Swahili translator on stage.

Okay.

All right.

What was the last part, babe?

Okay.

This is what, this is Keith's.

I never like Recons, but I do like blowing guys.

All right, that's not necessarily an answer, but hey, Keith, tell me an answer.

Come on.

I told you.

I can't hear you, you dumb bitch.

Tell me.

Lewis.

You guys are idiots.

This is Big J, and he's fooling all of you.

Lewis is trying to make you the last ditch.

Now I'm bummed because I went with fucking.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

It's Lewis.

I'm on fire.

Alex.

That's right.

Fuck yeah.

All of our answers are in.

That story belongs to Louis J.

Gomez.

And I would have fooled you, too, if it wasn't for you and your dumb dog.

Don't call black people dogs.

That's crazy.

What the hell are you doing?

Lewis did it.

Yeah, that's.

I want to dedicate this round to female leaders and show business.

Nice.

I will tell you right now, in New Jersey, nobody uses their blinker, and it makes me fucking violently angry.

Oh, it drives me angry.

Every time they don't put their, I'm like, put your fucking blinker on.

You've crashed into 11 cars in the two years you've been driving.

If they put their blinker on, maybe I wouldn't crash into them.

Touche.

Dude, it makes me so fucking angry.

And then once in a while, I'll be like, you know what?

I got to fucking pull up next to this guy.

And then I chase them and then I tell them to roll out the window.

I was like, use your fucking blinker, cocksucker.

You give him real advice?

I, dude, I, yeah.

I parted.

The handbook says you have to put your blinker on if you're changing lanes.

And if you get a left for passing.

And if you can spend more time with your kids, do it.

Life is short.

They think I'm asking them for great coupon, but I'm yelling at them about their blinker.

It's this podcast.

You don't need five podcasts.

Don't worry, Lewis.

You got a point from me.

I can't believe you talked yourself out of it again.

Big J regularly does this.

No, I knew it was Lewis.

I know what he does.

He fuck at you, scream, you curse him out, and then you go, will you pretend you love me like my daddy did?

That's what he says to me.

He goes, Roll your window down.

I'm lacking the affection of an adult figure.

I lash out because I never felt seen.

If I played catch in the backyard, I wouldn't be doing this.

Will you pay for my wedding?

Alex, where are our fucking points at?

Oh, I'm pissed.

Now I'm angry.

This is gonna be on my next story.

All right, hanging out with zero points, Big Jay Okerson.

Hanging out is great.

Love that.

I got some points, right?

Yes, next up with one point, Luis J.

Gomez.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, guys.

Tied with two points each: Rachel Feinstein and Keith Robinson.

And in the lead with six points.

Wow.

True Montana.

Wow.

Big fan of the show.

I've studied.

He really did.

He told me he watched two episodes last night and was looking for ourselves.

He was rewinding it and fucking.

I rewind it five times, and that's how I found out it was you on the last time, dude.

I've studied your ass, brother.

You piece of shit.

I'm the fucking snakeologist, rattlesnakeologist.

Drew came prepared.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

A guy once threw snacks at me on stage because he was angry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

A guy once threw snacks at me on stage because he was angry that I wasn't making him laugh.

Rachel.

Rachel.

Absolutely, Rachel.

She used the word snacks.

Snacks.

What is that mean?

I mean, I've had chicken wing sodomy before.

I have had chicken wing and soda me before.

But they would never use snacks.

You had a wing thrown at you.

Chicken wings, a bunch of them.

Chicken wings.

You corrected me.

You said sweet cheeks.

That was so unnecessary, bitch.

I said a chicken wing.

I found out recently that I'm big on micro corrections.

That's what it's called, also.

I'm correcting you again.

Chicken wings at sweet cheeks.

They all threw chicken wings at me.

Well, I had a lot of shit thrown at me at Caroline's Hot 97 show.

They ran across the street and got chicken wings.

They hold them on stage.

And then they threw shit at me.

They left the building, purchased food, and came back.

They throw it at you?

They ran an errand.

That's how hatable it is.

What's funny was Caroline's.

Caroline's had chicken wings.

I guess they weren't dense enough or something.

These aren't good throwing wings.

I need heavy drumsticks to hit Keith in the headwind.

I mean, I remember I used to do warm-up for a show called Crowd Goes Wild on Fox.

Katie was on that show on Regis Philbin.

And I was bombing so bad that I just started throwing out candy to the crowd.

So it's like the reverse story of this.

I was trying to buy laughs with candy.

It was brutal.

I do feel like I'm most likely to have the crowd think that if I was doing bad, that snacks would help me.

It would shut you up.

This isn't written like Jay, though.

This isn't a Jay story.

This is wrong.

When Keith was warming up for the Jeffersons, he used to.

His Rachel.

Is that bitch?

Rachel.

I'm a mother.

I think this might be Rachel.

Rachel, is it you?

I mean,

it might be.

Or maybe it's not.

Rachel's trying to make me horny.

Book on the line, you guys.

You look over Rachel just sucking around titties or something.

I don't know.

Is it mine?

And

on the mother's mind.

Maybe it.

It's absolutely Rachel.

I'm just going to go with Keith.

Keith knows her.

I think it's Keith.

You think it's Keith?

Yes.

snacks.

I'm never going to use snacks.

Why not?

You don't eat snacks only.

What?

The word snacks is making Keith so angry that I don't think it's Keith.

As soon as he saw the word snack, I just saw his face go, oh, I ain't never eaten a snack.

And I know that.

Keith and Rachel have intimate friendship that makes them irate with each other over nothing.

And for that reason, I believe snacks is something that has come up in their relationship before.

And they have argued about this conversation before.

And I'm going to go with Keith's recommendation.

Rachel, Rachel,

I'm also going Rachel on this one.

What really hurts about this is that as soon as they said snacks, everyone was like, Rachel, Rachel, that little pig is feeding again.

Why would you be so short?

Not only is that not true, did everyone on this panel think it was me, the entire crowd also still actively thinks it's me

because they point out the snacks were thrown at me.

Rachel, did you vote already, or is that your card from last round?

Wait, that's right.

Rachel, come on, get it together.

I think this is it might be Rachel just because she says a guy, and that's girl stuff again.

But Alex could have changed that.

I don't know.

No, she wouldn't have changed it to a guy.

But I mean,

it could be anybody.

To be honest with you, everyone's had shit thrown at them on stage.

Have you had shit thrown at you on stage true?

Yeah.

What'd they throw at you?

A chicken tender one time.

I ducked that bitch like George Bush with the slipper.

That shit was crazy.

I said, boom, that shit hit the back wall.

I said, my court joke goes on.

I couldn't dodge my chicken.

They were coming at me like machine gun fire because they serve chicken at this place.

Jay was like,

It was like a bubble machine, but chicken just shooting out of it.

Every one of them hit my clothes and my crispy white sneakers.

And I wouldn't call chicken snacks those snacks.

But did it break your chain wallet?

No chain wallet yet.

But

it definitely made me have to get my fooboo jersey dry cleaned.

How do you define snacks?

I'm imagining like candy or

snacks or anything.

I ate cold venison last night, snack.

No, man, you.

Right out of the fridge, 2 a.m., hungry.

Cold venison.

Just grab the whole steak and start eating that bitch.

Where was the venison from originally?

A guy that killed it.

What are you talking about?

Oh, he said guy.

Okay.

Oh, Mr.

Guy.

Oh, Mr.

Guy.

Oh, me, I dare you.

I'm about to get points on this bitch.

Go ahead.

I'm going Rachel Feinstein on Rachel.

That's my instinct.

I think.

Absolutely.

It's Keith.

It's Keith.

I'm telling you.

Yes.

what why would you tell us after we put our answers in you cocksucker you spell my name right it's e it's it's ei ei

no way it is it is you spell you spelled keith wrong

well you try to do the i before either exactly after see but it doesn't work with names

e before i

now i'm going rachel you guys no it's e before i if it's a black guy it's rachel

yo

don't laugh at that, man.

We're all about it.

Keep talking, keep talking, baby.

Oh, okay, baby.

Keep going.

Keep going.

What's he giving you?

That's weird.

It's weird.

It's, I guess he's working through some stuff.

He did say Rachel, but he also said, I sometimes weep because I'm not sin bad.

Oh,

I didn't think you would cry about that.

That's a double-stroke joke.

Changing it again.

Changing it again.

Rachel.

Oh,

Rachel, who you voting for?

Because I'm already so up ahead, but if I just tie with you guys, I'm good.

So I hope it's Keith.

Who gives a shit?

First place.

You guys, Drew is raising money for bikes.

Sorry.

It's Rachel.

It's Rachel.

That's a fucking Rachel.

You should just throw a random name out at the end.

Everybody's answering.

Alex.

That story belongs to Rachel.

yeah

i knew it

i knew it

you watch your goddamn mouth

snacks no man uses snacks

you would say you would say the actual item that was thrown that's true i thought i want to threw a tomahawk steak at me yes the reason i i didn't is because i've talked about it on stage i didn't want to give it away but i have had a soft taco thrown in my tit before in your tit a soft

stay together it did no and there was a sadness to the way a taco falls off tittish.

Like, I'd almost rather a harder object because it was just so anticlimactic.

There's a dumb taco rolling off me.

It opens on your tit and then just everything falls out of it.

Yeah,

you just sort of smeared across my cans, and it was very sad.

Can we play some soft piano music for this part, guys?

A flying taco and an uncooked pizza are the same thing if you think about it.

Rachel, where was this at?

This is the kind of poetry he tries to get laid with when he's dropping off drugs to chicks and brokers.

God damn right.

It works 70% of the time all the time.

He's like, do you have a Qatar by any chance?

I have some poems.

Hey, you guys got anything I can shred on here?

I'm sorry.

What was your question?

Where was this at?

This was at the Culinary Institute of Las Vegas.

I'm not bragging, but you were doing a show at the culinary institute.

I made it in show business.

Are we so everyone had snacks?

It was actually because

I was on Hell's Kitchen doing comedy.

It was actually because I was in front of the hot pocket station there, and I I was kind of an impediment to the kids getting hot pockets and microwaving their food.

So they were angrier at, I was more just like an obstacle to them being able to have their own snacks, which is why they used that to assault me.

Well, they never learned that you don't need entertainment at every point of everything.

How many times I performed in a hallway?

It's like, what are people going to do when they're leaving this concert and going to a bathroom?

Shouldn't they want to stop and watch you do comedy in a hallway?

No, it's true.

They literally, they make stages for us.

Is there anything sadder than like some 22-year-old crafting a stage?

It's not even a stage.

It's like this tiny, sad square.

Yes, Keith's trying to brush his teeth.

Don't lie.

Keith has the Rocky IV robot for that.

Happy birthday, Polly.

You guys never.

You guys never at any point feel sorry for Keith.

I want you to always remember how bad and toxic of a man he is.

we were at at the comedy cellar one night and he was just following me around saying the jews will not replace us the jews will not replace us the jews will not replace us yes he's a bad guy i'll tell you this remember that you know what let's give keith as a bad guy stories uh when i did jimmy fallon show

uh we i came to the comedy star that night to watch to watch it with everybody.

I'm like, oh, this will be a wonderful moment.

Everyone here is rooting for me, right?

Especially Keith, the man who took me out of Philadelphia and said, no, you can do this, and brought me up to New York and showed me everything.

The show, I was unaware, goes till went from 11 or 12.35 to 1.35.

At 1.29,

he goes, all right, we're going to go to a commercial.

We're going to be right back, which seemed like the show is over.

And then for that entire, what do you call it, a three-minute commercial break, Keith had the entire comedy seller going, Jay wasn't on the show.

Jay wasn't on the show.

Jay wasn't on the show.

And everyone, just customers eating.

It's a restaurant upstairs.

It's not a comedy club.

The whole one, Jay, no one even goes, what are we singing for?

Oh, this guy wasn't on.

Jay wasn't on the show.

Whole crowd, like, who's Jay?

Until the guy, until Jimmy Found announced me, I was sitting there like, this is humiliating.

He was pointing at me and having strangers come.

He's a bad guy.

You're a toxic,

toxic dick.

And sometimes he'll say something that doesn't even make sense, but it'll haunt me.

You know, it's just what he does is Keith tries to find the worst version of you.

Like he'll find somebody that looks like you.

Like if everything goes awry in your life, like if you hit every dead end and it, and it, it'll hurt.

It'll be so powerful.

And then he'll scream out like, Rachel.

Rachel.

So we were outside the comedy cellar once and there was just this like old frizzy haired lady sort of poking at some trash outside.

And Keith was like, Rachel, come over here.

Come over here.

Don't, don't be upset about the trash.

Now it still fucking haunts me.

Because I could kind of see it.

You know, go find somebody that's like homelish, but has your hair type or something.

It's so fucked up.

Hold up.

This is starting to sound like

a funeral.

No, I'm going to say nice to them.

I'm going to say nice to them.

Get it out of the way.

I'm going to stay nice to him at your funeral.

Also,

when I was young and broke,

Keith, I used to drive us to New York every day.

And Keith, at the end of the night, when we drop him off first,

he would just leave all of his garbage in our car and laugh at us.

So one day when he did that, we threw the trash out on his front lawn, laughed at him, and then drove away.

At which time I got pulled over immediately and given a $400 ticket.

Then later that week, we were driving to New York, just me and Keith, and we were in a major traffic jam, and the car in front of us was a police car.

And he turned his lights on and everybody started getting out of their way.

And we followed the police car and cut through all the traffic, which was fine, except for every car we passed, Keith was hanging out the window like a dog, going aha to the people who were stuck in traffic.

And as soon as we got to the tunnel, they pulled us over, gave me a $700 ticket,

of which both I could not afford to pay, and eventually ended up spending one night in jail in New York City for not paying those tickets.

Alex, where are you?

Can I just add one thing, please?

Okay, so I took a boxing class with Keith and some other comics, and they had to put us in some kind of like padded down.

Robinson?

This was before the first of like the triplet of strokes he had.

It was like before the first one.

So we had to, we got basically put in some kind of like a, an extra padded room because Keith was harassing us so much and people were complaining about him.

There was some anorexic girl that used to run on the treadmill and Keith would be like, hey, damn, that skinny bitch, never going to get it.

Never going to get it.

He'd go, stop shaving your ass off, bitch.

And then, and then they would just put us like in a special room.

And then Keith would, when he was working out, pretend to jerk off and then hurl cum at me.

He'd just be like, hey, Rachel, would you like this?

Share it with your family.

This is why he lost his hand because this is what he was doing with it.

And he would just hurl imaginary cum at me and then just kind of like, and then they put him in like a special padded room after that.

No, no, no.

What would you do?

I would pretend to catch it and like lap it up like I'd been waiting for it.

I'd be like, oh, thank you.

That was all before I was a mom.

Keith, ever you got arrested and Rachel came to bail you out with Saka Jawea fucking coins?

Oh, it's been a long career.

Do we have our scores?

We do.

Tied for last place with two points each.

Big Jay and Rachel.

Keeping the Jews down.

From the river to the sea.

What do I got?

How many points?

In third place with three points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Wait a minute.

Thanks, guys.

In second place with four points, Keith Robinson.

Yeah.

And in first place with eight points, Drew Montana.

Fuck you.

I'm about to read this weekend.

I don't think that couple's enjoying it yet.

Yeah, good.

He's loving it.

He's loving it.

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start smelling good start feeling good just be a better you you piece of all right where were we alex story number four

story number four

i once got arrested for yelling obscenities at someone from a car window keith

big jay just told two of those stories

Keith didn't get arrested.

I got arrested.

But I wasn't yelling obscenities.

obscenities.

Keith was.

Big J's never been arrested for yelling obscenities.

I would know this story for sure.

I know most of your arrest stories.

I don't know that word, obscenity.

Like, that's too fancy for him.

Definitely.

If this is Keith's, his home attendant told him to say that.

It's not his.

Nah, I spend a lot of time in the church.

I don't.

In the church, man.

I don't, you know.

You don't yell obscenities?

I don't think.

Now, listen.

You really shouldn't get arrested for that.

And Keith's black, so that does say maybe Keith.

This is a younger story for sure.

Drew Montana.

I've never

Lewis.

I'll be honest about this.

Never been arrested in my whole life.

One disorderly conduct for an eighth of weed.

That was a.

Wait a minute.

It's Drew.

It's not me.

I promise you.

I think.

He's a lying cannon asshole.

I promise you.

My stories are funny and good.

This isn't me.

This is Keith.

By the way,

that was all typed up for him by his attorney before the the show.

That was a no-way.

I don't know how to spell obscenities.

That's insane.

I will say, Alex, question, did you have to change the spelling of obscenities to get it right?

I'm not supposed to answer questions.

That means yes, you guys.

Here's how I'll convince you even more.

I don't know what obscenities means.

It's not me.

Dirty words.

I'll put Keith and vote first.

I don't give a shit.

It's Keith.

You just told five of these stories.

It's clearly you.

He didn't tell any of them.

We told them of him.

All your friends think it's you.

It's gotta be Keith.

I don't.

It's Keith arrested for this?

Yeah, I mean, Jay, I would know if it's you.

You would know if it's me.

This is the truth.

That's my logic on all this.

You guys would know if it's each other.

Rachel just had a story.

I don't think it's her.

Take Keith's sign down.

I've never been

Keith.

I came to get you from jail.

It's EI, Drew.

Why is this mistake

happening?

Kaieth.

It's Kaieth.

It's Kaieth.

He'll be gone in a year.

I'm going to fight Drew after this show.

God damn it, Drew.

Kaieth?

I said.

And yay, big yay.

Fuck that.

Lying sack of shit.

It's Kayeth.

Absolutely, Keith.

It's Kaieth, 100%.

It's Kaieth, no doubt.

Keith says it's me.

I've never been more positive about a story on Story Wars.

I'm going to have to fight Drew after this show.

I'm going to run away.

What are you talking about?

I will slowly walk away.

It'll be good.

Jay, I can never get enough comp.

Wow.

That's cool.

All of our answers are in.

This is insatiable.

All the answers are in.

This is Keith.

No effing doubt.

If it's true, I'm going to say that.

He hisses and two clicks means J.

It's the

source code.

Obscenities was spelled correctly.

It was spelled correctly.

And this story belongs to Keith Robinson.

Yes.

Ah, shit.

Keith, is it a story I told of you yelling at the cars while we were driving by them?

No, no.

Okay, this is the dumbest part.

I was there, you know.

I was going to say, isn't it Rachel you were yelling at?

Is that you?

You're not supposed to tell a story.

Rachel.

That whore.

This is real story.

It's a great story.

She would not, me, her, and Cat was dropping.

This was before you shut your hammer.

She was fucking mouth.

Shut your whore mouth.

Go on, shut it.

Okay, okay.

We asked Rachel, shut up, Rachel.

I asked Rachel, where do you live at, Rachel?

She said, just let me off at the store.

I said, well, we'll just take you.

When you go from the store, we'll take you home.

Call them street smarts.

No, she said, no, no, I'm just going to the store.

So we let her go in the store.

I told Kevin, cut the lights out and drop over a little bit.

We're going to find out where this whore lives.

so dumb Rachel comes skipping out

she didn't know we were behind we're driving up behind her like come here white girl we got something for you

Rachel starts running a little bit

and we're screaming come here white girl

and cops pull us over

They ask Kev for his license and registration.

Dumb Kev goes, um.

when a cop has for your shit, you go, um,

you don't have what they need,

Keith.

Where this story is going, I can't believe you're judging Kev's way of handling things.

You are a maniac in this story.

Also, Keith, it's so much worse, you guys.

Okay, so we're on the road.

Keith starts pumping the brakes in the car and being like, hey, you know what, Kev?

I feel like raping Rachel.

I'm going to rape Rachel.

It was a different time.

This is the early aux.

It's the early ox.

It's a different time.

It's 2000.

Then he says, Hey, you know what bugs me?

It bugs me that Rachel's dad's a civil rights lawyer.

We don't need his help.

Tell your white dork daddy we don't need him.

And then he says, I'm going to assault Rachel and I'm going to have a dad defend me.

I think I'm the hero of this story.

He goes, I'm going to call him up and I'm going to say, Mr.

Fontston, this is the case that's going to make you a star.

No, but we get locked up.

I get pepper sprayed by the cops.

No, just you got locked up.

No,

Keith and Kev got locked up.

They let Kev go, though.

No, no, they let him go land.

Keith was shot.

Keith was screaming

strangers.

For the love of God.

Have a snack.

No.

So, okay, I go to, and they take me to the hospital because the cop is pepper spraying me.

Because they pull out pepper spray.

And I'm from South Philly, you know what I mean?

I say, fuck pepper spray.

I eat pepper spray.

I eat pepper spray, he said.

Confirmed by the cop.

That's also his bumbleheading.

Go Go ahead.

So they empty like eight cans of pepper spray in my eyes.

I'm like, I don't eat pepper spray.

I don't eat it.

He screamed.

So when I get back to the cell, Kev is there.

He has crumbs all over his

sweater.

I'm like, what happened?

He's had a homeless guy rustled me through the ground and took my potato chips.

So.

And you know what?

The homeless guy ended up being Cat Williams.

Fun facts.

Here's the thing.

Here's the key.

Dumbass Rachel comes in like 10.30 in the morning.

With a cheeseburger.

I'm hungry.

He asked the guy in the front desk, can I give him the cheeseburger?

Sure, go and give him the cheeseburger.

This dummy comes over.

I'm like, get the sandwich, I snack it, open up, give me the eating.

She said, don't eat it.

Looking around, this is Rachel, dumbass Rachel.

Look,

look inside

the burger.

I'm like, what?

Look inside the burger.

Open up the burger.

There's a note in there.

We're gonna get you out.

What the fuck?

Yo.

You think this is Shawn's Shang Redemption, kid?

By the way, cut to her plan was later on that night showing up with me with a sock full of Sakatouille dollar coins.

That's right.

It was that night.

But I have to say, I'm J-Lo in this story, and you're P.

Diddy, and I should have fucking left you in jail.

He should be rotting in jail right now.

She should have left you in jail that night.

And by the way, by the way, Buddy Bolton wrote the note that said, I'm going to get you out of here.

You delivered the note.

You remember, Buddy wrote it.

Okay.

But he did decide that we should put it in a fucking turkey club for

Keith.

But the reason you guys were pulled over was not, it was because Keith was screaming.

There was these old ladies walking down the street and they were talking to each other.

And one of the old ladies was like, you know, sometimes I like to eat strawberry.

And Keith goes, shh, keep it down.

Be quiet.

He was shushing strangers.

Which is, by the way, it's just.

addictively hilarious.

It is always funny.

To just tell strangers to shut the fuck up.

Always tell strangers to keep it down.

We'll be like outside on Bleaker Street, and some lady will be like, and then we got divorced.

He'll be like, if you don't mind, just keep it down a little bit.

Yeah, but also, in fairness, well, Keith's leaving out, as maybe a lot of black people tend to do.

They thought his hairbrush was a gun, and then he didn't tell them that it wasn't, and it was a hairbrush.

And then when they tried to grab his wrist to arrest him, Keith kept pulling his hand away and going, nope.

He said, nope, until they pepper sprayed him.

Get enough pepper spray that they wanted to put a man down who just told them he eats pepper spray.

No, what?

Then they kicked you in the shitting yourself.

They said that

they said that in the courtroom.

And the judge asked him to believe that shit.

No black guy said I had a brush wrapped in the newspaper.

Like it was a shotgun.

Why the fuck would I do that?

It's true.

The blacks aren't known for that.

Y'all can laugh.

Thank you guys.

Think about the ridiculous shit he just said to me.

Alex, where are our points at now?

This has been the craziest story we've ever had on Story Wars.

All right, on the scoreboard, I have a three-way tie for last place

between Big J, Rachel, and Keith.

Whoa, I get the last place.

I'm quitting this shit.

In second place with five points.

I want another black guy guy to take my place.

I got you, bro.

Oh, my God.

Drews never glowed more in his life than that moment.

He goes, this is it.

This is my time.

Black guy replacement.

I'm in.

You know, this next guy is a black guy replacement, Drew Montana.

And they have four points each.

They have four points each in last place.

In second place with five points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Ooh, congrats, Lewis.

That's half of what I got.

I'm coming back.

Don't worry.

And in the lead with 10 points, Drew Montana.

Guys.

Drew is so excited to have the...

And by the way,

I'm upset that we're possibly going to lose Dove in an Iron Cauldron.

As their worlds collide amidst the echoes of the country's rising tensions, May and Clement find themselves haunted by secrets, unexpected desires, and ghosts of the past.

When looming threats of the asylum stalk May's every step, her gift becomes her only hope of escape.

And the key to saving Clement's life, in a city fraught with betrayal, illusion, and mounting danger, May must confront the true nature of her ability and decide whether it will liberate her or bind her in darkness forever.

What's next, dude?

What's next, dude?

Double points?

I get those too, dude.

I'm not scared of you, motherfuckers.

You don't have to worry about anything.

But before we get to the second half,

Jay, that was so beautiful.

We didn't know you were a feminist.

Thank you.

Is it my nails?

They're gels.

We go around and do plugs now.

Keith, what are you plugging, my man?

What am I plugging?

Got a Netflix special out right now, Rolling.

Too cool for school, everybody.

Rachel, what are you plugging?

My Netflix special, big guy.

Yeah,

Rachel, Rachel.

Drew.

Do-Rag and the Deer Tag podcast with...

Gang, gang.

Me, not me.

Rob Cruz.

I never heard of that fucking podcast.

And you're not invited, motherfucker.

No, we'll talk after this, so I would love to have you on.

Do Rag and the Deer Tag podcast and a digital bazooka podcast.

It's a live prank claw pod.

Lewis is actually coming on this this week.

Yes, I'm excited.

You don't know that, but you're excited.

I got pranked on it one time.

They called me, and

they said they had, who was it, Josh?

Josh Potter called me.

Josh Potter called me telling me that he was somebody from the neighborhood society that I needed to keep my bushes more taut in my house.

And I just spiraled into being a lunatic.

Lewis, I got the nicest fucking house in the neighborhood, motherfucker.

Lewis freaked out so bad.

Josh goes, This is for the neighborhood.

Lewis goes, I am the neighborhood.

I'm the neighborhood.

He said, I i am the neighborhood i am the neighborhood

i am the neighborhood that's amazing yeah the craziest try to get that hashtag started everybody please digital bazooka louis jay gomez the neighborhood i'm gonna call you the neighborhood the puerto rican neighborhood lewis the neighborhood gomez big jay what are you plugging bigjcomedy.com for all my dates i'm all over the place look for a city near you we're going to nashville to do story wars four nights in a row oh it's already it already happened it was so great

uh then i did

then i did moontower and that was was great, too.

Well, then

in a few weeks, what you're getting ready for is the release of the second half of my double crowd work special, them, they.

This week, everybody, them, in one month, we got to a million views.

So fucking thank you all for checking that out, man.

That's huge.

Yay.

Thank you.

Suck on that, Netflix.

Let's get the second one up there, too, everybody.

So them, they is coming out 420.

So fucking check that out.

Go comment all that shit.

Listen to the bonfire with me and Robert Kelly five days a week.

Faction talk series XM 103.

Yeah.

And of course, the flagship show right here at Gas Digital, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

Wait a minute.

But yank, can I say something one thing?

I don't like Drew's fanfare.

We out here, bruh.

What you want me to do?

We out here, bro.

Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com, grab tickets for the Bring Five Friends tour.

Coming to a city near you.

End of the month, I'll be in San Diego.

I'm going to Europe with Scott Chaplin.

We're going to be to be in Amsterdam, Glasgow,

Dublin, Manchester, and London at the end of May into the beginning of June.

And my next special, I'm filming on July 12th in Tampa.

Tickets are almost all that, so get those tickets.

It's going to be a goddamn blast.

The great Robert Kelly is directing my next special, and it's going to be a ton of fun.

And yeah, make sure you guys sign up for my mailing list and all that other stuff, guys.

Just make sure also the most important thing is that if you love this show, we have a bunch of episodes that are only available on demand at gasdigital.com.

We do the uncensored ad-free version of the show.

Every Monday night, it comes out on Gast Digital.

You can be a part of the live chat.

And yeah, you don't have to wait to go to YouTube or anywhere else.

Gastdigital.com, use that promo code WARS, W-A-R-Z, and you'll see a $1.50 a month in the premium membership.

Absolutely.

Hell yeah.

Now,

we've come down to our final four stories.

And Drew, you're probably feeling pretty good about yourself right now.

And you probably think that Lewis and the rest of us should be dejected with our measly four and five points.

No, no, no, dude.

I I know the game and I know about this.

This game is going to

this game is far from over because for the final four stories,

we go double points.

Thank you, Roots.

We have the roots here that we don't pay them to be on camera.

So much more money.

But Black Thought in the Boys, thank you so much.

So as before, where if

we fooled somebody, it was one point.

And if you you guessed the correct story, it was two points.

Now, that goes to double points.

Oh, double points?

It's like the end of breakfast club.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's anybody's game, folks.

This is the second half.

This is going to be amazing.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

Once on a very loud morning while I was trying to sleep, I kicked a hole in the wall in pure anger.

I've always said it was done by accident until this very moment.

And in real-time confession.

This sounds a little bit like Big J.

You say that about 100% of the stories, by the way.

No, there's no food involved.

There's no sandwiches involved.

There's no snacks involved.

This just seems like your big, goofy-sized 15-foot.

For the record, last time he did this and he tried to push to me immediately, it was fucking him.

It is him.

What?

It's Lewis.

Oh, Lewis, right, yes.

I thought you're saying me.

It's Lewis.

You tried to push away right away.

I'm not taking it back.

Yeah, I think it might be Lewis because

the way it was like, I've always said it was done by act, as if like somebody's writing a story about his life or something.

Yeah, this is Lewis has had Lewis said real ironically.

Like, Jay's too insecure to write it like that.

Lewis has had real irate anger at loud neighbors before.

No, no, no, I have i rape anger.

Oh, right, right, right.

Yeah,

he almost played.

He almost throws me off.

He was going to threaten to hurt a child who lived upstairs from him for being too loud.

I know, I threatened to hurt their father.

That's right.

True.

Well, wait a minute.

Jay's going too much now.

Jay is going a lot.

And I'm going to tell you right now, if you look at the way that it's written.

He accused me immediately.

Until this very moment,

Jay's cutting me off a lot here, and he's getting nervous.

Speak, dickhead,

has Jay had a story yet?

Jay's not had a story yet, which doesn't mean anything.

It could all be random.

Um, but the reality, I'm telling you right now, I've always said it was done by accident until this very moment.

It's a very Jay way of writing something.

Yeah, what?

It's fucking hilarious.

No, because Lewis doesn't know commas.

It's clearly you.

Keith can't kick, and that's not girl stuff, and it's not me.

So it's Jay for sure.

It might be Jay.

I do.

I think it's Drew.

kick

it's not it's not key kick him in the ass keith

i tell you right now it's not keith because keith's like too homophobic to write this very moment like you think that that phrase would make him gay it's just it's the way that jay

i would never use that you're right yeah you'd be like yeah now only assist and bitch when you're yeah no you're too much of a homophobe it can't be key until this very moment is gay No, Keith would think that because he's ignorant.

Jay's trying every trick in the book right now.

He's throwing it on other people.

Vote for me.

I'll give it up.

This is a tell that Jay does as well, where he goes, vote for me.

And Lewis does the same thing every time.

He starts barking at me.

I will.

Second his story.

It already happened tonight.

Look, he's doing it.

He's doing it.

He's doing the thing.

He's doing the thing he does.

You're a fool.

Once Big Jay starts pointing in my face a lot, it's also Big Jay.

These are all massive Big J tells.

I don't think it's Lewis is the problem.

I'll give up all my points if it's not Big J.

Okay.

I'm going to say it's Big J too because here's the thing:

all your points.

The fact that it was at this big incident, I dig a hole in the hall, putting a wrong.

Lou Big Jay's big giant act right now.

His whole play.

It's fucking bad.

It's the big Jay fucking one-man show right now.

Louis is out of the game.

Lois is at it.

Louis just fucked himself out of the game.

He's trying to get everyone else to knock over.

Big Jay is spiraling.

Jay's mad.

He never wins this shit.

Jay's also the worst at the game.

Our Vincent show.

He doesn't win.

He's mad right now.

My record is 3-32.

Jay is ass.

It's Jay.

It's definitely Jay.

Maybe it's Jay.

Don't waste your vote.

I'm telling you, I have a lot of respect for you.

Do not vote for me.

It's definitely been Jay.

It's fucking Lewis.

Vote Lewis.

It's him.

I kind of want to go in true because I feel like.

No, you're trying to get him not to catch up right now.

I fucked up.

It's Lewis.

Now I know what's happening.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, now can I change it?

Let me look, Kay.

I feel like he always knows the right answer because you've been dealing drugs for so many years.

You have to know if people are lying.

I feel like he always knows.

Eights for 25 after the show.

Let me look.

Jay is having a full-fledged meltdown right now.

Now he's playing it cool.

Look, he's playing it cool.

Yeah, hit your cigarette again, you fucking

not sleeping angry kicker.

I changed my mind.

I'm telling you.

Jay.

Yes, right now.

What?

Look how cool I'm being.

The reason I don't think it's Lewis is because I feel like it shouldn't be this big incident that he kicked a hole in the wall in pure anger.

I feel like Lewis does that every time.

I have way angrier stories.

Before he brushes his teeth, he kicks him.

Lewis's walls are full of holes.

He hits him with like 12-piece punch combinations.

I'm more of a wall puncher, yes.

Yeah, like he lays out a homeless guy before he gets a breakfast sandwich.

It's not a big story in his life.

Yeah, this is like him and Christine or his ex-wife.

They were being loud.

He kicked a hole in the wall.

And who would I have to to lie to?

Lewis might have no more wall to kick.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm going, Lewis.

You're an idiot, Keith.

It's Lewis voting.

Fuck.

Put my name down, but you're giving Jason.

I'm the only ones getting points.

Write it down for him, Rachel.

Me and Keith are staying tied to second place.

Oh, hurry up.

Write, white.

Who are you writing?

Who are you writing down?

Yo, write that shit, you white bitch.

Yeah.

Keith, you're voting for me.

Yeah, it's you.

You're a fool.

I'm telling you, looking me in the eyes, you're fucking up.

I'm not voting, Jay.

You're good.

What does that mean?

Look me in the eyes.

You're making a fantastic decision.

You would lie to Keith, who helped you out so much in comedy?

So much.

You also got me $700 worth of tickets.

And then I spent a night in jail.

Keith blinked twice for Lewis.

You're doing a great job.

Squeak of its bitch.

Squeak twice for Lewis is crazy.

True.

All right, do we have everything to answer?

Both of them.

Me and Keith are about to be up your ass, Drew.

What is it, Keith?

It's you, Doug.

You're fucked.

It's definitely Big J.

Well,

can we go to the audience?

Yeah, it is, Lewis.

As Lewis.

All right.

Everyone's answers are in, but what is the audience?

Keith wants to say, though, something.

He's speaking through Rachel.

Something about a fat cop that makes me smile.

Lewis.

What does the audience think?

Do you think it's Big J?

Clap your hands.

Do you think it's me?

Fools.

Fools, all of you.

Let's see.

Alex.

That story belongs to.

Big J.

Oh!

What'd I tell you?

My bad, Keith.

You didn't see old mama.

He lied right to your face.

I looked you right in the eyes.

Completely emotionless.

If I could walk out, I would.

We gotta get you a flume.

He needs one of those things in airports.

Yeah, just a hatch, just where you get fucking.

Stationary, escalators.

The travelator.

Jay.

Yeah, my ex-wife and daughter, I would come home so late.

And then what happened was I used to basically just live in the basement.

I had a bed down there and my TV and all my shit and Dave Smith.

But then Hurricane Sandy happened and fucked the whole basement up.

So I had to start sleeping upstairs.

I would get home so late.

With his family.

Yeah, I had to.

He had to.

And I was in bed one morning, and they were, I don't know, call it the half Colombian in them, but I mean, just screaming from the second they wake up at each other about not being ready, whatever.

It was so loud.

And I just was like, I couldn't sleep.

And in pure fury, I just took my heel.

I just bash-kicked a fucking hole right through the wall under the window.

And then when they came in at that crazy sound, I just act like I was asleep.

And they go, what did you just do?

I go, what?

Oh, God, I don't know.

Oh, shit.

And I never told anything, anybody, anything different until this very moment.

By the way,

it really bugs me that you brought up Hurricane Sandy because you know what?

Here's the thing.

Don't feel sorry for Jay either.

Because the part of the story that's missing is all the hookers he was fucking.

I paid nobody, but there was a lot.

I was cheating plenty.

Yeah.

But nothing paid.

Jay brings up natural design.

This is how he lied to his girlfriend when she smelled tit on him when he came home.

Damn, dude.

You know what's funny?

The night that my ex-wife came back to save me from Hurricane Sandy and then also got stuck in it with me, she goes, You're not fucking anybody else, are you?

And I went,

Come on.

Jay tried to fuck Hurricane Sandy.

Yeah,

I did.

I heard she was wet.

Where's that big bitch at?

Who's Sandy?

What?

She hot?

Damn, it's hot.

Alex, where are your points at?

After five stories.

Keith, you had something to say.

Did you say you don't pay for it?

I've never paid for pussy.

Oh, well, what?

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, for sure.

Jay,

so beautiful.

Whoa.

You've never paid for pussy.

That's the wrong statement.

Yeah, it's a Neil.

It's a wrong statement.

I've paid for Pussy.

But I never, none of my cheatings were paying for pussy.

Oh, I do.

You didn't cheat on your wife with hookers.

Also a lie, but I like the fact that you clarified.

It's not a lie.

Just in case anybody doesn't realize what just happened, they realized they got a hooker together.

That's what I'm saying.

First of all,

we didn't get a hooker together.

Me and Keith found out at a little massage parlor in 15th and Callahill, which is what we called it.

We called it, you guys want to go to 15th and Callahill?

They said $125,

a poor Asian girl who was brought here against her will, I have to assume,

would have sex with you for $125.

But Keith found out that if you walk in and go, we only have $75,

they still do it.

And what happened was

Keith used to get a kick out of the fact that when they'd come out, they would all complain about his black dick and not say any complaints about mine.

That was me, him, and Cav.

The girl told Cav, too big, too big.

Told me, too fake.

Told Jane.

Just right.

Just right.

I Goldilocks her and

also believe I left telling her that I would get her away from all this if she wanted.

Call me a romantic.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard.

In last place

with four points, Keith Robinson.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Stop clapping for that shit.

You're still in it, Keith.

In fourth place with six points.

Big JOP.

Because I'm still in it.

Oh, can I get a Diet Coke also?

Thank you, please.

In third place with eight points, Rachel Feinsee.

In second place with nine points, Luis J.

Gomez.

I'm on your ass, Drew.

And in the lead with 14 points, Drew Montana.

Motherfuck.

Not even close, dude.

Fuck, Drew.

Fuck Drew.

Fuck Drew.

You guys are all gay.

I'm blowing you out, dude.

This is my game to win.

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank yokratom.com for being a longtime supporter of everything we do here at Story Wars, Gas Digital, Skank Fest, and beyond.

One of the best sponsors in the land.

These guys love comedy.

They support comedy.

And if you're in the market for Kratom already, you got to get it from Yookratom.com.

They've also been with us for so long that it's,

I mean, they're part of the family at this point.

They're sponsors of all things, Guest Digital.

They have the best deal running in anything, which I believe is the $60 kilo.

The home of the $60 kilo for the entire, the entirety of that business being with us.

That has never changed.

$30 per pound, essentially.

Essentially, for a pound, 1.1 pounds.

You don't even need that extra 0.1, but you know what?

Throw it it in there anyway.

I don't even know if you can get a pound steak for that.

Can you?

Maybe you can.

Cut that out if you can.

Yo, Kratom,

it's lab-tested, high-quality, delivered right to your door.

If you are in the market already for Kratom, there's no better place to go for it.

So support the company that supports us and go right now to yokratom.com.

Own at a $60 kilo.

All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

I almost fought a guy at a journey concert because he wouldn't stop talking during Faithfully.

I love that song.

I mean, I know I say every story is Big J's.

In fairness,

that was hilariously my wedding song.

It was his wedding song.

But it was also why I say hilariously was because me and my ex's misgivings were quite public.

And then we just loved that song and picked it for our wedding song.

And then realizing that 300 comedians were going to start laughing communally when the song came out.

I was there.

We cackled like it was the funniest thing.

We'd ever seen it.

We were watching Death James.

We were jumping up and down in the aisles.

It was so funny that they picked Faithfully.

That wedding was.

I got a question.

Who's Johnny?

You know who the fuck Journey is.

And now I'm starting to think that it's Keith.

Keith never went to go see Journey.

Absolutely.

He might have.

Keith likes some white shit.

Keith can't go on journeys.

I don't like

Not with that as Marshall's cane.

Big Jay, you're the only person here who would have seen Journey Live.

It's so obvious that I would put, I wouldn't do that.

I would go, if I start putting Journey in the song faithfully, it's too much.

I mean, it's crazy if you did put this.

It's so obvious to me.

Rachel didn't play a guy.

I feel like...

Keith doesn't go to those kinds of outings.

Like for him, a big night is like Applebee's or like,

or like a laser light show or something.

Yeah.

Now, this could be a surprise, Drew Montana, because through all that wigger,

somewhere there's a guy whose parents listen to Journey and he likes Journey weirdly.

You're right.

I've only been to two concerts in my life.

It was Boosie and Paramore.

So not a chance.

Oh, and somewhere in that gray area.

Where you lost Journey.

No.

Wigger to my heart, brother.

I've seen Boosie and Paramore in concert, nothing else.

And they were the two best times of my life.

I don't know what Faithfully is.

I never, I don't know, Journey.

I'm forever yours.

Faithfully.

I don't know.

You know where I'm from, bro?

If y'all don't know where I'm from, I don't know no fucking Jerny.

I listen to Boosie and Paramore and Marshall Tucker band, bro.

That's it.

Jay also, I mean, he gets angry at conscience if people aren't acting the way that he wants them to act.

I've heard Jay say this.

I think it's Jay right.

This is a fucking angry.

Like, how does he want them to act?

It's not.

Jay, it's not Jay Tits.

Lewis is giving a bad description.

He's describing something.

evil that's something actually very positive about easy sugar tits let him finish the story go ahead say say mean things about your friend who cares about you

i would say jay did jay did pay for the capital grill last night for my birthday it's got nothing to do with that that wasn't very mad that wasn't very nice that wasn't very nice it was expensive too it was eight people

i tried to give you my card you lied to me i wouldn't take it right you guys stop queering off just tell me what the thing is no recently he went to another concert and there were people like up front like what concert was it let me finish i don't know tell me the concert which one The one recently where the people were like videotaping and you were mad at them and you tried to have them ejected from the concerts.

Sting.

They They were having too much fun.

It was sting.

They were having too much fun in front of Jay.

Jay wasn't having enough fun, so I was goosing Josh Edam Myers up because he said he knew someone who worked there, the general manager.

So every time people would pile into the aisles with their phones, I'd go, tell her to send security down to throw them out.

Keith, you would love this.

And as security came down and started throwing people back to their seats, we were pointing and laughing at them very much like you did to get me into all that legal trouble.

But Jay also will fight guys at the drop of a hat.

He loves Journey.

I mean, all these things are true.

And I know that.

It sounds like they're shared wedding toasts.

And then remember that first time when

both of us are talking too much.

But Lewis, you have to be aware of the song.

Look, it could easily be me, but I've never seen Journey Live.

He doesn't give a fuck about the song.

I've never seen Journey Live.

I would love to see Journey Live.

I tried once, but we didn't have tickets.

Jay or Rachel, for sure.

Rachel's not.

It could be Rachel.

Rachel, have you ever seen Journey Live?

It says almost fought, though.

It doesn't fight.

I think this is Rachel.

This is their wedding.

Like, the way you guys are arguing infuriates me.

No, she's not, but it says, I almost, this is going to be a girl saying, like, I was irate because he wouldn't stop fucking talking during

Journey.

Rachel, is this?

Keith, this is too obviously me.

I wouldn't write one this obvious.

No, this is Rachel.

It's I've never seen Journey in concert.

Sometimes, yes, you have.

Never.

I went to a Journey.

Never swear on your daughter's life.

I went to a Journey concert, did not get in.

Journey definitely.

Because you almost fought a guy who during faithfully.

No, we weren't inside

kim handwhacker told us that she knew somebody who can get us tickets we got there then she goes sorry they didn't come through

and we couldn't afford tickets so we left and went to go see superman returns

kim handwacker doesn't exist yes

i know lewis for sure this is crazy i don't think it's lewis i don't think lewis has seen journey i've never seen journey live big jay is talking too much and too fast rachel motherfucker she just gave herself away

guys the way you guys are talking, like, with this story, first of all, it does seem like they're wedding.

Like, I feel like he's like, and then I feel like Jay's like, and then I knew you were going to kiss me, but I kind of wanted you to.

And then that's when Black Sabbath started playing.

And then you kissed me, and it felt great.

Rachel, that's a fantastic impression of me, but it is you 1,000%.

You tried to fight a guy because he sang during your jam from high school.

For my wedding.

What was this?

What did Jay just say?

I don't speak Philly's street.

Can you tell me?

Drew, tell her what I said, dog.

He said you're old, dog.

Damn.

Oh, shit.

He said, you old bitch.

Yo.

Damn.

Yo.

Yo.

Am I right, though?

Oh, dude.

Jay is hiding in plain sight, and this is definitely him.

I'll do this in the future.

The only thing that I'll say is that it's so obviously him that that's the only thing that's making me think it's not him.

Can I make a point?

I didn't know.

anything about this song or Jay's wedding song before this.

I think it's Rachel because it's girl stuff to almost fight a guy during a concert.

I'm sorry, I keep saying girl stuff, but

she's not fighting no one.

I know that's what's kind of she wanted to, though, is the thing.

We're almost fighting a guy.

Look, we've all almost fought guys.

That's the truth.

We've all, most of our lives, it's been almost fights.

There's been like five real fights.

But in a concert, there's so much noise.

Your almost fight is just going like,

I want to fight this guy.

Is Jay hiding in plain sight right now?

Yeah.

Even if it's Drew with all these theatrical could be Drew.

By the way, of Drew or Drew.

Drew's the only other person that's like quietly, I don't know this song.

He knows he could lie.

He's been watching the show.

I've heard of Journey.

I don't know who fucking.

I've never been to the show though.

I've seen Boosie, bro.

I've seen Boosie, the Marshall Tucker band, and Paramore.

I have a feeling this is going to end with you going.

I've seen Boosie, Marshall Tucker Band, and Paramore.

And motherfucking Journey.

I'm not going to get it.

It was one show, one amazing day.

I'm not getting played here.

Oh, no, Big Jay.

Dude, I'm not getting played here.

I'll use that.

This has to be Big Jay.

I'll use this to get to the future.

Please.

That's my answer.

I do kind of think it's Big Yank.

I'm going to say Big Yang.

You are letting

me go.

Vote for Drew.

If it's him, dude, this game's over.

Oh, but Drew were fucked.

No, no, no, no.

Drew were fucked.

I would vote for Drew.

Drew is 30 years old.

He's no.

If you want any of you,

you should vote for Drew.

Don't stop believing.

I've heard of Jared.

Fuck him.

I don't know the Drew.

I'm funding Drew.

It might be Drew, dude.

i never liked drew i never liked i don't like you

i don't like you

it could be keith

it could be i think it's rachel it's it but if it's drew we're

it's not it's not keith first

i promise you it's not me i promise i've broken i've told you three concerts that's a crazy three concert

boosie marshall tucker band and paramour you got one more in you if it was Keith, it would be like Grandmaster Flash or some shit.

I agree.

Yeah, he would be a bit more humane.

I agree.

You would see the Jackson 5,

public enemy.

Rachel 5, Vahalia Jackson.

All right, we got to get our answers in, Rachel.

What do you think?

She's deflecting hard right now.

Tito Jackson?

I kind of think it's Big Jay.

It must be Big Jay.

Lou Rawls.

It's Big Jay or Lewis.

It's not Keith.

Oh, but Rachel, before you take your hand off, Rachel, before you take your hand off that, just think hard about what you're doing.

I'm almost out of this game points-wise.

It doesn't mean that much.

But you want to win, Rachel.

If it's Drew, Rachel, win.

I'm telling you, I know everyone, if I gave this much specifics on music, they're going to go, it's me.

I wouldn't do this.

He does me, but Jay says.

Which means it could be Lewis because he knows that.

He might be throwing off.

I told you

that I couldn't do that.

I don't think Lewis went to see Jerry.

Can I ask the crowd?

Yeah, sure.

What do you guys think?

Leave her now.

Big Jay.

It's Big Jay.

I promise you, it is not me.

I swear on my life it's not me.

On my daughter's knee, you motherfucker.

It's Big Jay or

Rachel.

Rachel, you're doing your crazy thing right now.

Rachel, he's playing you like a fiddle right now.

I could be, but I'm not.

He's playing like

I've never seen Jared.

No, Rachel, you idiot.

I was going to say.

What a fool.

What a foolish name.

What a fool.

i think drew drew or big jays just talking over everybody right now because it's him i already had two stories in it can't be me it can be you it can absolutely be you guys we got it big jay big jay settle down we need to learn what keith's answer is okay shake your leg a little bit

big jay keith you man

I know I hurt you before, man, but I promise you, this isn't me.

It's Jay.

You are going to have Drew run away with this game.

It's going to be crazy.

He's looking at us all all and doing

a perfect game before this shit was Jay

if it's Drew he deserves the wins me so much how knock me it is I'm begging you to not let this be a runaway on questions on story seven I'm mad I'm not pitching a perfect game anymore it's Jay I fucked up

Drew

you're am I on a am I at a perfect game so far I haven't missed yet

It's fucking Jay, and I blew it.

God damn it.

You didn't blow it.

Why are you blowing?

Take it back.

You can't.

You can't take it back.

You have a better chance as anybody.

All right, final answer.

Keith says big J and then Rachel's gonna.

No, Keith.

Keith.

I don't fucking trust you, man.

Dude, if it's true, I'm very impressed.

Buddy.

It's not me.

It's fucking.

He's so excited that he keeps looking at that paper.

He keeps looking at that, waiting for that to be finished and locked in place.

You're not

looking for the guy to get me another.

Rachel, you can't change your idea about the joke thing that you're writing.

We have to go.

She's workshopping this fucking crazy thing.

Keith's the faggot thing on the board.

Big J with a penis.

I don't circumcise.

Oh, you guys are all idiots.

No.

Where's the head?

Let's go.

No.

Bro.

That story belongs to Drew Montana.

Come on.

Keith, I gotta say it one more time.

Boosie, Paramore, the Marshall Tucker band, and motherfucking Journey.

Let's go.

Guys.

You know what?

I beg you.

I beg you all.

Let me say this.

That motherfucker from North Philly deceived me.

Yeah.

Getting spanked right now.

Perfect game, bitch.

What happened here?

I mean, is there there any more to the story?

What happened?

Why'd you almost fight him?

Why did you actually fight him?

I didn't actually fight him.

I almost fought him.

I was on mushrooms.

I really do love that song.

It was my winning song.

Dude, this guy and his girlfriend, they were standing next to us.

They started like screaming match arguing with each other.

It was like,

and they started arguing.

And I was like, I didn't want to get involved because I was on mushrooms and I was having a good time.

And I was like, hey, man, like, can you wait till like after the song?

I swear to God, he was like, he's like, yo, mind your fucking business.

And then I got mad.

I was like, you want to do this during Faithfully?

True.

You might be the best player ever at Story Wars.

I mean, you literally threw it on Jay with a J-sounding story.

Did you know people were going to think that was Jay?

I had no idea, dude.

I'm just nice with this shit.

Wow.

Where are our points at?

I mean, Drew is pulling away deep and hard.

Double points.

Really made the difference here.

This is going to be a big jump ahead.

Got it.

He just scored eight points on us.

All right.

On the scoreboard in last place with four points, Keith Robinson.

Boo.

Boo.

You old ass motherfucker.

You ass.

All right.

I got a lot of family in South Fully

Yeah, they all sleep on my fucking porch every night.

It's crazy

All your cousins and uncles fall asleep on my steps and I hit them with the fucking door every morning to get out

guys guys both things can be true

Alex continue please.

All right in fourth place with six points big Jay Ogerson

down but not out.

I could have got shit over, bro.

In third place with eight points, Rachel Feinstein.

Boom.

In second place with nine points,

Luis J.

Gomez.

Yo, yo.

Believe in Carrison Brutal.

In first place with 22 points.

Drew Montana.

Come on.

By far, largest winning gap going into the final two stories.

Largest gap.

I mean, can I tell you something, Drew?

Dame just woke up for that.

Drew's going to leave here and start telling everybody.

He goes, yo, if you watch one or two episodes, that game is super easy to win.

I mean, this is a master.

Playing is like a fiddle.

I begged you both.

Vote for Drew.

You all thought it was me both times it was me.

That's crazy.

Everybody was convinced until we weren't.

This is the largest gap we've ever had on the show, and I'm talking about Rachel.

But also, the point gap as well.

It is true.

I'm about to roll a celebratory blunt and take the next two rounds off.

It's not over.

It's not over.

It's not over.

By the way, everyone except for Keith can catch up.

Wait a minute.

Keith, if you played perfect from here on out and both of them were your stories, you couldn't tie Drew.

But I'll tell you what, you can tie it.

I'm going to add my handicap to it.

That should your point.

Oh, that's true.

He does get five handicap points.

We've never thought of that before.

New rule.

Keith actually has nine.

Our final.

God damn, dude.

No, it's still.

Look, we can still win this.

Here's a pen.

Good luck, dude.

We're here.

We're there.

But I mean, I'd have to fucking tie it's all right.

Just go.

Terrified of Drew at this point.

That's crazy.

He's benign.

Alex, story number seven.

He's lacing a bag right now, you guys.

This one's for you, Rachel.

Story number seven.

My mother shot someone at a card game.

Lewis.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Keith's for sure.

This is old cotton club shit.

Keith's mom had a little tiny pistol in her garter belt.

She goes, uh-uh, motherfucker.

Lewis's fucking, Keith's mom was in Deadwood.

Keith's mom was a Deadwood prostitute.

He's talking about a Richard Pryor story.

Wait, can I ask one question?

Keith's mom is a Deadwood prostitute.

It's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

I got to ask, because I'm clearly nice with this.

Rachel, what's up with your mom?

I don't know anything about it.

I don't know if you ever heard the impression of her mom, but I promise you she's never shot someone in a car.

It's Keith for sure.

She may have shot someone to look at Neiman Marcus for looking at her.

My mom died in church.

Lewis' mom died.

Your mom.

I didn't shoot anyone.

It's Keith.

No, that's fucking low.

It's completely completely true.

I'm blacker than all of you.

It's definitely 100% true.

It's for you.

She, before I, I'm just saying it out loud for you.

Just saying that out loud for you, Drew.

I'm fucking pissed.

No, I got it.

No more fucking time.

I got it.

I don't think we could win here.

You guys, everything is too racist to rate Keith this fast.

It is.

I won't do it so fast.

This is all his talk to text will take, dude.

But I will be completely.

It will be hard pressed to talk me out of keith right now lewis oh wait man lewis's mother was and listen to me just a junky rotten piece of

she had she had lowers

at least my mother wasn't just the town whore

my mom fucked cops to keep us safe she was a single mother

the town fucking slut not the town the precincts jesus christ she fucked cops to keep us safe in a in a west philadelphia

My mother had to make the fucking rent.

Your mother didn't.

She didn't.

She turned into an after-school special.

She made the rent money and then she used it on heroin land.

Some of it.

Some of it.

And she was also a prostitute, but to the best of my knowledge, never shot anybody at a card game.

Shooting someone at a card game takes place in an era long gone.

Keith, when you would come home from school with your school books in your belt over your shoulder, like Balky Bartakamus over the ridge.

Look at him, bro.

It's Keith, for sure.

And your mother,

your mother was dressed in a flapper girl outfit and had four cards in her fucking headdress.

She goes, hey, Keith, go dig a hole for this motherfucker.

He thought he could cheat me in gin rummy.

Right.

Yeah, this is a very it was during the gold rush and it was Keith.

God damn Keith.

And it was

Wild West Keith.

Long forgotten.

All real, man.

Who do you think it is, Keith?

Who do you want to pretend it is?

It's only possibly other Lewis.

If it's fucking Drew, if it's Drew, oh, that's true.

We're not going to do the last story.

It's over.

We're getting humiliated.

It's Drew.

We're going to take a week off.

My mom's a nice lady, would never shoot a guy.

You're never going to journey, you piece of shit.

What?

Faithful.

Is that one of their songs?

Oh, is it Don't Stop Believing?

Maybe one of their fit.

You're idiots.

I said the song.

I thought that fucked it up.

I said, Don't stop believing.

I was like, I blew it.

You guys voted for them.

As Drew.

It's me.

It's me.

Go ahead.

Shut up, Naeem, you lying, motherfucker.

Naeem, is Drew's mom a gunslinging son of a bitch?

Yes, he shoots a lot of people.

Oh, no.

I wanted to.

She goes to church 11 times a week.

It's crazy.

By the way, she's repenting for all that murder.

I'll be honest with you, if I didn't put my answer in already, I would have voted for Naeem.

Keith, who is your answer, Keith?

I mean, all of you guys had terrible moms.

That's besides the point.

My mother was not terrible.

She did the best she could with what she had.

And what she had was fat Jewish tits, a size zero body, and a pussy that wouldn't quit.

And she

would have sex with police officers to keep us safe in a duplex with no male figure around.

She did her best.

She did her best.

Is that mom?

We didn't have cable when I was 17.

Naeem's acting like he's at the movies right now.

This is nuts.

Naeem's living it.

The do-rag, everybody.

Do-rag and the deer tag.

No, make more noise for that.

The do-rag for do-rag and the deer tag.

Come on.

All right.

Still wasn't what I wanted to do.

Keep here's your final answer.

I'm going to go one way.

Oh, Karen Feinstein shot the way at a card game.

What was it, Cadasta with her friends?

If her name's Karen.

Right after Book Club, when I shot that bitch.

Rach, the bitch had it coming.

And you know what?

It felt fantastic.

It really did.

It was so liberating.

I heard Gloria Steinem's speech, and I said, fuck it, I'll kill a bitch.

Watching a lady's soul leave her body does something to you.

Maybe I do have some play.

I can just fucking whisper it or something Keith.

What do you want to write?

Keith, are you going to write Jay?

You've met my mother.

Yeah.

You think she shoots people?

Yes.

Keith.

God damn.

It's Keith is the last one, and it's him.

Just pick anybody, Jesus.

Keith, just pick anybody.

Me.

All right.

Put Lewis.

You and Naeem.

Could also be Naeem.

Naeem has a story like this, guaranteed.

Naim's wife goes, yeah, she shots one.

It wasn't over cards.

It wasn't a bullshit like that.

It was over dice.

Alex, our final answers are in.

This story belongs to Keith Robinson.

All right.

You got me.

Keith Robinson.

That's what her victim said.

I know, dude.

Keith is going to be.

There was 1975.

Did she kill him?

I don't know.

We was on the morning for a year.

Oh, you were already bored.

Yeah, we left Philadelphia for about a year to go to Fredericksburg, Maryland.

And I'll never forget one to

have teachers and parents' day.

And,

you know, the teacher said, your son is not

focusing.

And my mom said, why can't you just

focus?

Like, mom, we're on a run.

That's why.

Oh, the new school was wondering why you weren't focused.

Because you're looking over your shoulder for the family of the person your mom shot.

And then, whenever you just move back to Philly, she was like, heats died down.

We're good.

That's hilarious.

And they basically, they were like going to diagnose him with ADD because his mom shot someone.

She didn't say that, though, to me.

She goes, I did kill somebody.

I'm like a criminal.

Why can't you focus?

Oh, man.

I mean, at this point, I believe Drew has run away and we can't beat him.

We will do our final story, but I'm pissed.

What are these points at right now, Alex?

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with four points.

Keith Robinson.

Everyone gets their due.

In fourth place with 10 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Respectable.

Can we sort of count it?

Whenever Jay is not in last, can we count that as a Big Jay win?

No, no, no, no.

30 and 3 and 30 fucking three.

Guy, the Sixers?

That's crazy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, double hurt.

I'm a fan, brother.

I'm sorry.

In third place with 12 points,

Rachel Feinstein.

In second place with 13 points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Damn it.

And in the lead with 26 points,

true montana

alex i have a question just uh for our own has anyone scored 30 on this i'm almost i love the enthusiasm from the do-rag boys

by the way the crowd the crowd picks favorites for sure because this uh young lady right here every time they announce that you're in the lead with all the points she folds her arms and goes

She's internally rooting for somebody else.

I don't like that bitch either.

What the hell?

Alex,

what is our highest score ever on the show?

Do we know?

We have one more story.

I believe it is 27 points.

Wow, true.

True.

Bobby Kelly.

Bobby Kelly is the highest score ever.

You could take the highest Story Wars score ever.

And the first ever perfect game.

Yeah.

Whoa.

I ain't scared of nothing, bro.

Wow.

Isn't it a perfect game?

Yes.

Yes.

No, let me say this.

Not only a legitimate perfect game, like he fooled everybody both the times every story as well.

Yes.

A legit perfect.

A legitimate perfect game.

And

may I say Bobby Kelly's high score was done through a bonus round, which makes this much stronger.

Well, no, it's still the highest score.

I'm the best ever.

No, right.

We have one more story.

So it does matter, by the way, because you could take the record for a perfect game and the highest score in the history of story.

Why do we do that?

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Drew Montana.

No matter what happens,

this is an all-time game.

This is an amazing game.

We have one more story.

It's D-R-U underscore Montana.

Go ahead.

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Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I dated someone who was cheating on me regularly.

JJ's wife.

She's not even playing.

I got so angry one time that I punched a large tree with all of my might and shattered the bones in my hand.

All of my might is crazy.

What are you, a power ranger?

This

is.

And you know what, Drew?

Let me feed you this easy fucking win.

This is Louis.

Jay Gobez.

This is a nutty thing to do.

Let's talk about it.

First First of all,

I never dated anyone that cheated on me regularly.

Well, listen, I had one girl cheated on me every time.

It could be Rachel.

It could be Rachel because this is, you know, a scorned woman will definitely punch a tree.

Women get cheated on more than men, and they will also punch trees.

You fucking had it with your tit theories.

By the way, he said.

I was like,

here's what the woman does.

Now, how many fucking times do you have to throw us holes under the bus?

We're doing the best we can.

Women always have a hand.

Women have weak hands that can be shattered easily you do you do have a little nerf take out take keith's he is too angry at women though and i am terrified of him like i feel like you're capable of anything like he's gonna he hunts winning this game she's that already but she's deflecting wildly he hunts co-eds take take keith's sign down i don't trust i don't like you instructing me lewis shut up could you please take

your side no it's not you keith this is up to rachel it really bugs me that i'm keith's fucking secretary, you pigs.

You're his

father.

Rachel, can you wipe Keith's ass, please?

Wipe his ass.

He can do it, but why?

When you're here.

Guys,

I'm done with Keith.

You're going to be the one that's going to feed him his sweet potatoes out of a straw tonight.

I'm fucking finished.

I can see this being Big J.

Were you cheated on regularly?

No.

Yeah, he was.

Regularly?

I was.

No, that wasn't regularly.

That was just

your first girl cheated on you.

But when you remember that i smashed the bones in my hand we drove up every day and you guys made fun of me for it you guys said right now he's got she had she's bent over a couch with your headshot taped to her back so he can fuck her and then come on your face and her back at the same time now

i know this sounds evil but i gotta be honest with you it really brought me back it snapped me back pretty nice like

they did they didn't handle it that way nobody was fucking sweet about it they were all like fuck her she's a slut she's getting fucked right now with your headshot on her back Jesus Christ.

And then you remember our friend Tu Ray was in the car one time while they were doing that.

He goes, Hey, guys, the guy's hurting, man.

Leave him alone.

And then they went, Shut the fuck up.

And they shit on him so much.

He goes, I'm sorry, man.

Make fun of my man.

And then he just went back to shitting on me.

He got out of it.

This also could be.

That wasn't a regular relief.

That was, I found out it was all at once.

So it was no regular relief.

This could also be a third.

It could be a.

It could be a third.

Can somebody kick out Naeem?

He's doing great.

Any other show, this is unacceptable.

Yeah, it's crazy.

He's a professional comedian.

He knows this isn't allowed.

This is my friend.

What are you doing?

This could also be a third Drew story.

I promise.

This isn't me.

Yeah, but none of it's you, you piece of shit.

Fucking dude.

Drew.

Fucking dude.

I'm so beaten.

You can't give him another fucking 8.0.

Jay or Rachel, I promise you this isn't me.

You want to complain more about women?

No, I think.

It's true.

Shattering hand is.

I'm learning his acting, looking at it again, giving it a good read over.

Is this even?

I don't know what punched is.

Is punched a thing?

What's our tree?

There's no trees where I lose.

You punch with the hands, right?

I think it's racial.

I kind of think it's racial too, because that's no, no offense, Rachel.

I'm not being sexist.

I'm just saying you have dainty.

I wasn't hands

and you could shatter them easily by punching things.

Also, women can't.

Isn't it so sad that I like really was like complimented by that?

I was like, oh, it's so sweet.

You have tiny hands.

I really should say what a dark place I'm at right now.

And the fact that I'm sitting with these animals.

It's not Rachel.

What's that?

I thought it might be Rachel.

I've had four stories already.

Drew has empty eyes.

He's capable of anything.

Drew has had two stories.

Now he's making up numbers.

Go ahead, four streets.

He said, I've already had four stories.

It's also like he.

Well, here's the thing.

Jay already wrote Drew.

So if it's Drew, Drew didn't pitch the purple.

I don't want someone to get points here.

This isn't me.

I think it's Jay or Rachel.

I also will say that the last one, the Faithfully one, was kind of written like a short story.

It was like, you know, and that's kind of how this is written, too.

You know?

Very Drew-like.

I would say it's rare that Drew would get two stories in a row right at the end, three stories, and Rachel's only had one story on today.

I've only had one story.

It's Lewis for sure because he knows the game too well and he wouldn't know the mathematics of it.

And he just explained that.

Now it's, I think it's Drew.

I think Drew's playing the fucking game.

Go ahead, dude.

I won already.

I don't give a shit.

I think me and Lewis.

Hey, Brad, take it home.

This could definitely listen.

This could be Lewis, and I'm forgetting when he shattered his hand, but I don't remember a woman who's cheating on him regularly.

Nope, I remember a girl that cheated on me left you for the dog walker.

Well, she didn't leave you.

None of you guys have anything that matters in this game.

And then not with him after you.

She wasn't with him after me.

Left.

Jay or Drew had a fruitful life, but she loved him so much.

I'm going.

It's Jay or Drew.

Who is it?

Who is it?

I want to ask that guy.

Or is it Rachel?

You're wrong in thinking you're taking Lewis out of this.

Who is it?

It's Jay.

No, listen to him.

He's a liar.

Wait, but.

Oh, shit.

It's definitely Drew now.

He just sold you out.

Who do you guys think it is?

Go ahead, dude.

I don't care.

What do you say?

Who do you guys think it is?

I'll go Lewis.

Pretty much could be Lewis.

I think you're a fool.

I think it's Rachel Feinstein.

I think this is a woman's.

I am this dramatic.

Everybody thinks it's Lewis.

I feel like I wouldn't know if Jay was cheated on regularly, but I didn't know you with that girl when you were younger.

But she didn't cheat on me regularly.

Who do you think it is, Keith?

Well, she cheated on you regularly.

Oh, she fucked that guy and then left forever.

Never mind.

I'm going Rachel Feinstein.

Rachel.

But they don't have trees.

I'm copying over Drew's answer because Drew has had a perfect game so far.

Who'd you go with?

Rachel.

Remember when Keith's girlfriend caught him cheating and she went and she broke into his home and she cut up his water bed or whatever he had in his house?

Sure.

And she cut up, like, she had, you know, imagine how ignorant Keith's home is.

It's like a velvet picture of a Corvette or something.

And she cut up his

and she cut up his diesel jeans.

And Keith came back with the woman, with like whoever he was cheating with.

She put oil all over the floor and rice.

I wish I could send her an edible arrangement for doing this.

What a wonderful woman.

And then the girl slipped that you were cheating on her with, right?

Some of my favorite stories of Keith are the violence that's been brought upon him from cheating.

A woman drove to, followed him to Kevin Hart's house to meet us one day.

Because she was mad because Keith was dressed up for some reason.

She thought it was for another girl, but Keith just wanted to dress nice because he's black.

And she followed him to Kevin Hart's house.

And when she got out, she stayed in front of him and shook up a fucking Diet Pepsi and just opened it and sprayed it all over his shirt.

And then we had to stop on the way to New York at a rest stop so we could buy like a Wildwood New Jersey wolf shirt.

You're right.

Many, many.

That was so great.

Many women have ruined his clothing.

You're right.

Because I remember him coming.

He always has one top hanging up, like from stuff.

It's always like some Nigerian silk shop in Philly or something.

Me and Keith.

Go ahead, I'm sorry.

No, you first.

Me and Keith could never beat it.

We all came home one night from New York and went to Kevin Hart's house, and there was a girl burning his clothes in a bonfire, dancing around it like this.

That's the worst losing your clothes story.

Keith rules.

She was dancing around a fucking cauldron of kids.

Keith's band burning it.

Keith's the goat.

Keith, who's your final answer?

I got to go with

Drew, because I don't like him.

That's a good reason.

Fuck, now it might be Keith.

Now it might be Keith.

Rachel, I promise you this isn't me.

We got to get him.

Keith is...

That doesn't mean anything in the game.

I already won.

This isn't me.

I feel like this is a story Keith tells people to why his right arm doesn't work.

It's Rachel.

Oh, fuck.

I'm out of here.

Oh, Lambo You One, I was cheated on regularly and I broke this arm punching a tree in anger.

Keith, let me make amends with you right now.

It's Rachel.

Write her and we'll be friends forever, dude.

All right.

You might be right.

Rachel, put it in there.

Rachel, write your own goddamn name.

No, I have a golden pussy.

No one's ever needed anything else but that.

It's Rachel.

It's Rachel.

Write the damn drew.

Right.

You guys should hire him to do this every show.

All right, final story.

Everyone's answers are in.

Alex,

the final story belongs to Lewis J.

I don't know why it's making me so happy that I thwarted your perfect game.

You wrote down Lewis.

You erased him.

I knew it was you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the girl that I remember the girl that got called fat at the UFC event that I didn't defend.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

None of us defended her.

None of us defended her.

And yeah, she would just fuck just everybody.

She was such a slut.

And like, we used to read Harry Potter in the park to each other.

And we were in the middle of a Harry Potter reading session.

This is the girl who broke you.

Yeah, well, she was fat.

Well, so those guys in Philadelphia told us.

Yeah.

They stood up and they go, shut the fuck up.

You and your fat bitch.

And all of us just looked down.

We acted like we didn't hear what they said.

We're like, it's loud.

What?

We're like, what?

What's that, pussies?

Look forward.

He used to be the Puerto Rican basilisk.

I do speak parcel tongue.

Do you think every woman sends sends that

it has been hurt?

Like, do you think that really is the woman who broke him?

Dude, I know, but she, so somehow, I don't even remember how I found out, but I found out she was cheating on me.

And I mean, with all of my might, there was a giant, the biggest tree you'd ever see.

I fucking went, I ran at it, I punched it with everything I had.

It's not a fucking drywall.

Literally, my hand.

I thought you were going to break through the tree.

Dude, my hand shattered.

I felt it up my fucking forearm into my shoulder.

It was crazy.

Lewis was trying to make an owl home.

That's crazy.

Doggy, it was fucking wild.

How badly it hurt my hand.

Who am I going to read Harry Potter to in the bar?

By myself like a lunatic?

Oh shit.

I mean, Drew, Drew.

By the way, in Lewis's language, she was a fat slut means I've never loved anyone more.

He's never loved the way he loved.

What is our final scores, Alex?

Drew did not get the perfect game, which makes me happy for some reason.

He did not get the record for points as well, but he did whoop our ass.

Go ahead, make it official.

All right, on the scoreboard in last place with four points,

Keith Robinson.

In fourth place with 10 points,

Big Jay Okerson.

3 and 33.

Why do I come every week?

In third place with 16 points,

Rachel Feinstein.

Respectable.

Respectable, Rachel.

In second place with 19 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And your winner tonight with 26 points, Drew Montana.

Oh,

Drew

Montana,

the newest

story warrior

takes home the dove in the iron cauldron.

And evocative dove in an iron cauldron blends historical romance with the chilling allure of magical realism, a tale of resilience, redemption, and the love that defies even death.

I'm going to say it, dude.

No, I'm kidding.

Double points.

Rachel and Keith, Rachel, can you sign Keith's name into this?

I'm done working for you.

Please write Keith's name, Rachel.

We gave you an extra $100 to caretake.

Can you do it?

That's right.

He's taking a stand.

I'm so sick of sexism.

You are the shittiest home nurse ever.

Guys, thank you so much for coming out.

You guys have a good time with What are the new people?

You guys have a good time?

You guys are the best.

This is actually our last time we're doing Story Wars at the stand.

We're moving into another club, so check out our social media for information on that.

April 30th, we have a brand new location.

That's the next live show in New York City.

Every Wednesday night, live in New York City, come join us.

Tell your friends.

How about a big round of applause for our entire panel here?

Keith Robinson.

Rachel Feinstein.

Make sure you check out their Netflix special, of course.

Drew Montana, your your newest Story Warrior.

Check out Do-Rag of the Deer tag, wherever you listen to podcasts with Naeem Ali.

For the Story Warriors, I'm Big J.

Okinson.

That's Luis J.

Gomez.

We'll catch you next time.

Until then, peace.

Thank you.