064. Kerryn Feehan, Dan St. Germain, Louis Katz | Arguments

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Hey, Story Warriors.

Before we start the show, I want to let you know that we have some brand new merch at storywarsmerch.com.

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What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit.

Just get your tickets and come.

It's fun, Buckface.

New YorkComedy Club.com.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars

with the Story Warriors, Big J Ogerson, and Lewis, Jay Goldman.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to Story Wars at our new home, the New York Comedy Club, right here in New York.

Make some fucking noise for me, would you please?

Let's go.

Look at this crowd.

Look at this crowd.

I was going to say it's 100% white audience, and then I looked right in this Indian guy's face.

That was crazy, dude.

That guy's Indian, huh?

I think so.

He's so Indian.

Shouldn't you be at the Riyodd Comedy Festival right now, sir?

I don't know much about cultures, but.

Welcome to the show.

We always ask this before each show every week.

How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

And how many people are not familiar with the Game Story Wars?

Okay, all right, it's okay.

A few people, brand new people.

You're going to have a great time tonight.

I promise you that much.

Wow, that was very fucking nice of you.

Usually you'd be like, fuck you, dumb piece of shit for not knowing.

That was nice.

I'm trying to turn a new corner.

I yelled at Jake on the way in here.

It was unnecessary.

And now those people get your politeness based off of that.

That's good.

No, you guys made me feel better.

I apologize to Jake as I walked in.

You should have.

Like a pussy, I apologize to Jake.

It was crazy.

Oh, it's making me furious right now.

I mean, you can get remada.

That's fine.

Oh, my God.

But just not initially mad.

It's a very, very simple game that we'll explain to you guys if you're unfamiliar after we get our amazing panel up here.

Our panel tonight starts with a very funny comedian.

He's got a special, the best comedian you've never heard of available right now on YouTube.

Make some noise for the hilarious.

Louis Katz, please.

Thank you.

Well, Louis, I see you have the merch from the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

So how was it?

Was it as noisy as they say it was?

This is actually my friend's

food brand, so that's what I'm trying to find.

Our next competitor on Story Wars, also making his Story Wars debut on tour right now, traveling all over this great nation.

You can get a sickness at punchup.live.

Clap it up as loud as you can for Dance St.

Germain.

TSG, TSG, TSG.

TSG, I appreciate you coming straight from a comedian from the 80s funeral.

I miss Richard Jenny so much, man.

Too young.

Too young.

Thank you guys for having me.

Absolutely.

Our third guest on the panel, last but not least, you know her from her podcast, Only Fee Hands, and from Netflix's Tires, make some noise for the lovely and hilarious Karen Feehan.

Hi, guys.

Thank you all three for joining us.

Now to the business.

If it is your first time here at Story Wars or your first time listening at home, it's a very very simple game all of us on this panel all five of us including Lewis and myself have submitted five three to five stories on one particular topic tonight's topic arguments

Alex our lovely producer is gonna read those stories off one at a time eight of them in fact and if it is your story you're the only person who knows that so it's your job to fool everybody else that it is not your story if it's not your story it's your job to guess whose story it is every Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points, and every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

So, if it's your story, you have an opportunity to make four points in that round.

It's a very, very big opportunity.

Once you write your name and your vote on the dry race board, put it in this little slot right here, and remove your hand.

That is it.

You cannot change your answer.

That's your final answer.

And I'll tell you right now, this is a lot of fun.

Those people in the back who've never been here, I love you guys, but you know what?

We're not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Every week here on Story Wars, we are competing for a book from the Story Story Wars Library.

Tonight's winner goes home with Upper Westside Catholics by Thomas J.

Shelley.

Upper Westside Catholics is a captivating study of a distinctive Catholic church on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, an area long noted for its liberal Catholic sympathies.

The author traces this liberal Catholic dimension of Upper Westside Catholics to a long line of progressive priests that stretches back to the Civil War era.

The book casts a renewed light on their legacy, liturgical reform, and concern for social justice.

Winner takes that home.

And I'll tell you right now, it's a rarity that this happens, but the author, Thomas J.

Shelley, signed the book right here on the inside.

This is a signed copy.

And it says, and I quote, to my dear friend, Lisa,

with the greatest respect and admiration, Tom Shelley.

Wow.

Oh my God.

In 2019, he gave this to her.

By 2025, she already just threw it out.

This just happened into our lives.

We don't know fucking the girl or him.

It's a big deal.

Very rarely do we give away signed books.

So it's a very, very big deal.

So I think everybody who understands the game understands it.

So I think.

Are we ready for war?

New York City, are we ready for war?

And with no further ado, Alex, if you would,

story number one.

Story number one.

I got into a screaming match with a father and son who beat me up before I was saved by a waiter.

Hmm.

Saint-Germain.

Easy.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Why do you say Saint-Germain?

There's food.

Oh, oh, yeah.

It was a restaurant.

Okay.

And I just, I could see it.

For some reason, I can really picture it in my mind, especially with the jacket.

He's like yelling, you know, jacket style.

You know what I mean?

A father and son, fighting a father and son combo does sound like somebody your future at some point.

Well, it sounds like somebody who's had you know a little bit too much to drink.

And St.

Germain used to have quite the drinking problem.

I don't know if he does anymore.

I just don't know.

It could be me or Karen.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

If it said, if it wow, we both look like we're like passing out chips.

If it says, if she got into a screaming match with a father and son who I fucked, then I would believe it was Karen.

But

this says before a waiter came and fucked me too.

I'm so hot in this one.

Yeah, this could be a drunk DSG.

This could be a drunk DSG.

I don't see your...

Are you a problem drunk ever, Louis?

No, I'm a great drunk.

Yeah.

One of the best.

Maybe.

Suspicious.

That sounds suspicious.

Lewis wouldn't tell a story about being saved by a waiter.

No, he wouldn't admit to it.

Louis does look like he could get beaten up by a father and son.

Yeah.

Yeah, two people.

It's a little on the nose if it's us.

Oh, that was a Jewish joke.

You guys heard that?

Louie.

Yeah, it's on the nose.

Okay, I get it.

On this, Rosh Hashanah.

I mean, just the beat-me-up part.

You know what I mean?

I feel like, Louis, you're taking them both out.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like they wouldn't beat you.

They're not going to beat you.

Father and son beat you.

What did she do?

The father son is destroying you.

What was she dressed like?

It could be a euphemism.

Oh, they beat that pussy up.

Sorry.

Whoa, Louie.

Oh, my God.

What?

That's a euphemism.

Is this a family podcast?

No.

That was perfect.

It is now.

euphemism.

It's Louie.

He's a rapist, dude.

Jesus.

That was the most casual me too I've ever heard in my entire

leave of him.

Every Louie in comedy is kind of a problem.

In this story, which could be decades ago, you know what I mean?

Double jeopardy, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

Oh,

there is a statute of limitations on rape.

Jay has gotten fucked up.

I mean, you get fucked up.

I know you've gotten drunk.

I just sound already like a public defender.

Come on, we all enjoy getting drunk, right?

I've never, and I think, Lewis, you can attest to this, though.

You've seen me drunk plenty of times.

It will be considered drunk.

I've never been like a pro or I'm going to end up in a thing because I would almost, I steer clear of problems if I'm drunk because I'm.

I keep that awareness that it's like, well, I'm drunk.

So I'm either wrong or I'm in no position to like win a fight in any way.

Yeah, but the other thing is that the story, you know, we sort of just threw it as a drunk problem.

It sounds like a drunk.

It says nothing about being drunk here.

No, nothing.

No, no, no.

I've been stone cold sober getting your ass beat by a father-son combo

and then saved by a waiter who you fell in with.

We did all fall into the drunk thing when Louis said it first about Dan St.

Germain.

But I feel like then he's throwing it around trying to deflect.

But I feel like if it was, I feel like if it was so, if this happened sober, like he would have deserved it more.

If If a father and son beat you up sober, there's a reason.

Yeah, you did suffer.

You fucked the daughter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Scream.

We don't even, yeah.

Karen Fien is the first one to throw out a vote.

DSG St.

Germain is your vote.

Officially, why is that your vote, Karen?

He's sweating.

That's a terrible way to determine this.

He could just be having a stroke.

Each story is going to be progressively more his.

I'm going to put plus marks.

I'm going to put plus marks after his name.

Look, I'll vote second.

I think I also agree with Karen that my first instinct, and I'm going to go tonight, throughout the entire show, I'm going with my first instinct.

I'm not going to let any of you guys deter my instincts.

Dan St.

Germain, problem drunk, kind of a pussy, loves food.

I just don't see it being anybody else on this panel.

DSG, it is.

I'm putting it down.

I mean, I call it.

You know what?

Put it up there.

Ooh.

I'm going to go.

I thought you were spelling my name wrong.

I was furious.

I'm going to go with Louis J.

Gomez.

No,

I'm going with Louis Katz.

I think he threw right away to Dan St.

Germain.

He was the first person to talk, which is rare for a Story Wars competitor.

Where he jumped right away.

He's like, this is Dan, no problem.

Simple to throw a little deflection right away.

And then

it's drunk, and that took me completely.

I just pictured this as a drunk story.

It was a fantastic play.

And if it is you, you've done fantastic this round, but it's you.

Yeah, this could have easily happened outside of a synagogue.

But

Dan hasn't voted yet, so it's probably Dan.

I've never been to a synagogue.

I'm assuming it's the nicest restaurant you could possibly go to.

Oh, my God.

Dan hasn't voted yet, though, I realize, so it's probably Dan.

Yes, she, well, he's drunk right now.

I wish, man.

Dan, who do you think it is?

It was me.

It was me.

I'm supposed to admit it, right?

No.

I thought it's like at the end, you don't vote.

I don't understand.

I couldn't have made it any more clear.

I gave them a breakdown of the rules.

We send them a little video now of the rules.

Luckily, you're the last one to vote.

Well, that's why I thought you have to not vote.

No, you don't.

No, what?

What if it wasn't me?

What if I did listen?

The person who serious doesn't vote, you thought?

So you thought eventually at the end it's going to come down to two people, and it's definitely one of them.

I'll be honest, when I'm saying it out loud, there's something there.

But that's not how we play.

This is going way worse than my WNBA draft.

Well, I mean, I guess, Alex, all of our answers are in.

DSG, from now on, just write a name down, even if it's you.

Just don't write your own name down, as I explained very clearly in the back.

Yeah, now I get it.

Yep.

I was failing for everyone.

It's okay.

Don't worry about it.

We all voted.

This is good.

Alex, make it official.

Story number one belongs to Dan St.

Germain.

Yeah, geez.

It's true.

Man, that was a really, that wasn't a bad way to find out you were right, but it was a crushing way to find out I was wrong.

I put it in, I looked over, and I go, why is Dan not voted yet?

I gave that whole speech.

Dan, talk to us.

What happened here?

Where was this at?

It was in Koreatown.

Were you hammered?

In Los Angeles.

Yeah, of course I was fucking hammered.

And then I did that Sanford and Sun Club that weekend, which you guys have probably all done.

But yeah, was i i i i i googled where's the best coke in la that's how drunk i was googled it yeah i googled it and then like somebody on yelp wrote koreatown and i got there that's more and i just went to a korean barbecue more of a question for bing

it's an ash jeeves move um but yeah no i i i um went to a korean barbecue restaurant looking for coke

well no i couldn't find coke so i went to a korean barbecue

i call those nights a real balushi uh yeah i mean really it's spicy food and you just want to feel something.

Yeah yeah.

You're going to eat everything or nothing.

That's such a weird mix.

Dan has the habits of like the most successful comedian ever with no success.

And I went to, I started walking, I went for the 7-Eleven and I ended up, I tripped and then these two Cholos were there and they started talking shit.

And then I started.

You heard a cholo team?

I said, yeah, I heard that.

I mean, I got you, Dad, because he was the first one who started kicking me.

I got you, Dad.

I got you, Dad.

That could be a boyfriend and a partner.

Oh, I know.

The weirdest thing about it.

Yeah, I got you, Daddy.

You got beat up by two homosexual Mexicans.

By the way, if you weren't drunk, you think you realized they were just two Koreans?

It was, no, there wasn't.

We cholos.

The waiter.

We're going to chop chop on you with cholos.

The waiter from that Korean barbecue place that night saved me.

And then,

yeah, I mean, I wish I could say.

Were you trying to get crazy with that?

Don't you know I'm Rocco?

I wish I could say it changed my life, but like I got out of rehab a year ago, so it didn't.

This was 10 years ago.

But this is the last time you got jumped by fucking Cholos in Koreatown.

That is true.

Thank you.

Been over 10 years since I've been beaten up by Cholos.

We like our stories to end good here.

Happy.

Great story.

Great story, Dan St.

Germain.

You did pick up a couple points there.

Alex, can you give us our official scores after one round?

All right.

On the scoreboard, in last place with zero points, Big Jay Okerson.

In fourth place with one point, Dan St.

Germain.

Oh, all right.

How does he get a point?

He didn't even play the game.

He tricked one person.

He tricked Big Jay.

You get one point for every person, you fool.

This is the fourth time I've said this to Louis Fucker.

I can't explain it anymore.

All five of us have submitted stories.

Even me and Lewis.

And tied for the lead with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Louis Katz, and Karen Feeher.

God damn it.

All right, Story Warriors.

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And then,

yeah, enjoy your fucking bald face, Jerkoff.

Where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Story number two.

I once got into a drunken argument with my ex at a sporting event.

We were both screaming at each other and crying.

The next morning, I got a call from a close friend saying they witnessed the whole thing.

I mean, this sounds like a woman's story.

Well,

so it must be Big J.

Karen, I dated Karen, and Karen's an actual real problem.

And she used to have, she used to have a major drinking problem.

This is too flowery of language.

And like, this is like, this person's embarrassed because somebody saw them fighting like my assholes on the internet.

You think I care?

Somebody saw me get in a fight at a game.

That's like a gay thing to say.

It's either Lewis or Louie.

Well, this could be Louis, but Lewis doesn't go to sporting events at all.

I mean, I have been.

UFCs, but I mean, like, yeah, you've gone with me to a couple things, but like...

You're not, you and your chick wouldn't go to a sporting event.

You've never dated a girl that would give a fuck to go to sporting events?

I mean, I took a girl on a date to a basketball game once, but I didn't know where we didn't scream and cry at each other.

That'd be hilarious if you did.

I don't want to be here.

I hate sports.

But

Big Jay has gotten in some pretty drag-out fights.

Never gotten drunk at a sporting event, though.

Yeah, you have.

You're an alcoholic.

What?

You get drunk in every sporting event.

Chill.

I almost, I don't know if I've really drank at all, much ever at a sporting event.

I can't see Big Jay getting it.

Let me read it again.

oh this is karen fucking lying

right now let me the let me read it again was the biggest fucking tell no i don't have i don't wear my glasses

you acted like you had a monocle on you like went you went deep in i'll go early on this one

i mean karen that was a hard sell she wear

Let me thumb through this and see if I see Jay in there.

Number one, this sounds like a woman's story.

Number two, you used to be like a problem drunk and you used to get into like dry.

The reason you stopped drinking was because you had public intoxication events.

But we have two people like that here.

No, I was going to say, there is.

Now, just so you know, it is very random.

It can be Dan again.

Can be a double header.

It could be back-to-back Dan, without a doubt.

That's not a thing you have to worry about.

If you double-guess yourself, you get double points.

Okay.

And

I'm a little nervous that I've voted so early because now I'm worried this could, because you do like sports, Dan.

I do like sports, yeah.

But who doesn't like sports?

I like sports.

I'm always going to sports.

Why did I not think you didn't?

I thought you didn't.

You like sports?

Don't go to the MMA.

Barely anymore.

I'm a huge sports guy.

I fucked up there, maybe.

Louie, are you a big sports guy?

Huge.

Did you ever drink a lot at one point in your life?

I don't drink.

I go to the ball game.

Louie, you know you're supposed to pretend it's not you.

Oh.

Or it is you.

Did we not explain this clearly to our panelists?

He's playing fantastically or terribly.

It has to let it unfold.

I'm still getting Karen Fian vibes here.

I'm trying to picture Louie out on a date with a chick at like hockey game maybe.

Yeah.

I catch the book.

I have a baboon heart.

Anyone seen it?

Yeah, dude.

That was a untamed heart.

Yeah, very old reference.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Who's in that?

Christian Slater had a monkey heart, but I think he just had a bad heart and then he died.

I think his mom told him he had a monkey heart, and then she died before he was able to find out that he didn't, in fact, have a monkey heart.

He just had a bad heart.

And then he thought his monkey heart went on him, but it was just his heart went bad again.

They took the one interesting part of the movie away.

I know.

At the very end.

It was really sold to me that I was going to watch a movie about a guy with a monkey heart.

I love how I clearly made a reference to a movie no one heard of, and you just kept explaining it.

Christian Slater.

It does also sound like a Rob Schneider movie.

It does.

It does.

It depends.

Whichever music you use for the trailer makes a difference there.

What happens when a boy with a monkey heart has to open that monkey heart for love?

Karen Fianna is my vote.

She's a drunken psycho.

I experienced it firsthand many a times.

Karen, Karen, you're not voting for me.

That's crazy.

What do you mean?

All right.

I think you're proud of this.

That's how I know it's Karen even more because she knows this is not me.

I mean, I would have heard the story of the one-time young man.

I have monkey heart handwriting for sure.

I realize that you guys have the exact same handwriting, Dancy, Jermaine and Louie.

Seriously?

Wow, that is kind of weird.

Do you want to kiss right now?

Kind of.

So who really wrote Superior Donuts?

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Who does story number two belong to?

Story number two belongs to you, Louis J.

Gomez.

Damn it.

What do you consider a sporting event?

Medieval times or something?

This was a UFC event.

This was in Brooklyn at...

Barclays Center.

It was me when I was dating Kim Congdon.

We both got hammered and we got into a full-fledged drag out crazy fight.

She disappeared at one point and she got into a fight with another guy who she thought was me and he spit in her face.

And then she came back and she was like, you got to go fight that guy.

I was like, I'm not fighting anyone, you fucking crazy bitch.

And then we started screaming at each other.

And like the fight rolled all the way outside.

We're screaming at each other.

We're both crying and just yelling.

I ran to the cops and I was like, please get her away from me.

They laughed in my face.

The cops.

Because you were bawling and pointing at a tiny woman saying get her off of me please the cops wouldn't help me i was like please she won't stop following me and she's like run fat nigga run

sword it's all true and then the next morning her words it was a quote it was quote

then the next morning ralph sutton my business partner at gas digital gomez and sutton called me up he was like so i was sitting in traffic with a date watching you and kim condon have a drag out fight outside of the barclay center and uh that was was it.

That's the moment I knew she was my soulmate.

Beautiful.

What got you to the point of crying?

Just have you ever been attacked by a Puerto Rican woman?

It's terrifying and hot.

Yeah, sounds kind of hot.

Yeah.

So that was it.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with zero points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

Tiger Macken.

In fourth place with one point, Dan St.

Germain.

Yeah, this has been my plan the whole time.

In third place with two points, Louis Katz.

In second place with four points, Karen Feahan.

And in the lead with five points, points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Five points like a pentagram, Hail Satan.

I feel like I should have gotten more points that time.

Well, you got two points for guessing correctly.

But other people guessed me.

But they were wrong.

You've played this game four times.

And we explained it five more times out there the whole time.

Why don't you guys think I deserve points?

Look, nobody

just these two dumb women being like, Yeah, come on, yeah, yeah,

god damn it.

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee, which is truthfully speaking my coffee brand that I created to help me boost my testosterone naturally and support my brain function.

Uh, Jay, I know you're not a big coffee drinker, and you should be happy to know that we actually have a creamer coming out very soon.

We're in development on the creamer.

Let's drink straight up creamer.

I will, uh, you think I won't

to straight up creamer?

Me and

me and Bobby were giving you a good, this is all, this is a good endorsement, but we were giving you good off-mic trash in a bonfire.

It was during a commercial.

We were giving you a good beating.

And then Bobby took a sip of that body brain and he said, LA, goes, how do you brain?

God damn it, it's good, though.

And Christine was like, it is good.

It is good coffee.

When you're catching a beating, no one holds it against your coffee.

Well, I'll tell you right now, the coffee is genuinely just a great product.

People really seem to love it.

It's only five ingredients, Colombian freeze-dried coffee plus tongue ad ali, ashwagandha, lionsme, and L-theanine.

It naturally supports testosterone and brain function, memory.

It'll really make you just feel great after you drink it and it tastes good as well.

Yeah, with all the stuff in it, you assume it's going to suffer in taste.

That's what I find is surprising from what everybody says.

No one's like, no, it makes me feel good, but like, you know, it's like getting down medicine a little bit.

No, no, no, no, the taste is great.

Everyone says something about the taste.

I haven't even heard anybody be like, I'm lifting better.

My chest hair is coming in thicker.

My balls have dropped.

My voice is deeper.

My balls are enormous.

I have one eyebrow now.

It's pretty sick.

You can't stop coming.

I'm non-stop coming.

Well, listen, I'll tell you right now, go give it a try.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number three.

Shit.

Sorry.

Story number three.

Sorry.

I got into a screaming match with a therapist after an emotional breakdown because he wouldn't give me the session notes.

All right.

Is this not Karen?

Is this not Karen?

No, no, no way that's me.

I'm Irish.

We don't believe in therapy.

This is Louis Katz.

This is a Jew thing.

This is...

This is like Woody Allen, like lay down, talk about my mom, talk about the little girls I like, whatever, whatever.

Either you're really right or really anti-Semitic.

I'm just trying to get some Jesus.

I think it's clearly Saint-Germain.

I can see it.

Again, I can picture it.

The screaming.

You didn't say that one is quick this time.

You have a therapist.

It's a therapist story, and we're all comedians who

are therapy.

I'm not currently.

I've never seen a therapist.

You've never seen a therapist?

That's fucking you.

You've never seen a therapist?

You guys are gay.

You guys are gay.

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Three times I was convinced to go.

I went once or twice, and I was like, like, this is gay.

Whatever.

You said that.

I remember when you went to therapy.

Jay went to two sessions and he was like, I'm fixed.

Yeah, I got it.

Sort it out.

It's not Jay.

Definitely not Jay.

It's not, I believe Karen's never been to therapy.

This is making a lot of sense, right?

Never been to that.

You've never been to therapy?

No.

No.

That seems like a, I wish you had a time machine.

We all wish that.

I wish that too.

Every day.

I feel like Dan Sanchez Maine's instincts here might be correct.

Louis Katz, or I'm sorry, Karen's instincts might be correct.

Louis, this is kind of screaming, Jew lying down on a screen.

He's screaming.

Maybe.

Got into a screaming match, a match of screams.

Like, it's very dramatic.

Match of screams?

That means the therapist screamed back at you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just two Jews

at each other.

You were trying to.

I think it's you.

I think it's you or San Jermaine.

I think it's one of you two.

Maybe.

I've been to a lot of therapy in my life for anger management specifically.

It's never worked also,

which would, this would be the thing, probably.

It's also like a little funny, which makes me think it's Big Jay, because he would try to ham it up a little.

He loves ham.

Yeah, that was like a burn about his personality.

My favorite cured meat.

My favorite cured meat.

It's got to be sliced in, though.

I don't know.

I'm all over the place right now.

I think emotional breakdown.

I mean, mean, you did just cry at a sporting event, but I still.

But he was crying.

It wasn't about the sporting event.

He was crying because he was being a terrible.

So he had an emotional breakdown once before.

Once.

This guy has an emotional breakdown almost every drive home.

I cry three times a week.

Really?

Have you cried more as you get older?

Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah, I cry more as I get older.

Anything I see with a father-son,

if it's even sad, I just start crying.

Wow.

This is now turned into a shitty therapy session.

I almost cried when I heard about the story about that father-son beating up Tan St.

Germaine.

It was Lewis and his son.

I was like, that's so sweet.

They were doing things together.

G-Mike, give me the fucking notes from the show.

Give me the tape.

It's got to be Lewis or Louie.

Those are the two.

Because, Jay, how many, how many,

what's your therapy?

What's your therapy history?

The amount of times I've gone.

It's like the amount of times.

Three times ever?

And how long were you at each each one?

Oh, three different ones, like one time.

Oh, just three sessions.

Three sessions, yeah.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

We're working at our panel right now.

I had a

telehealth one for a while that I would do, but like it was David Telehealth.

David Telehealth.

Like, you're gay.

You're going to be fine.

Here's a miracle.

Sleep it off.

No, I went one time, the lady fell asleep.

Well, the telehealth one, she would get on every time.

And then she found out what I, you know, she asked me what I do.

Obviously, that was in the thing.

And then she would just ask me about my week in comedy.

And I would just, the whole subject became me telling her funny things that I thought of.

And she would just laugh and then be like, all right, that's about it.

I'm like, anything about my complicated relationship with my daughter?

She's like, no, no, but that was, you really take no shit from hecklers.

I love that.

Look, I'll tell you right now, and I shouldn't even be giving you guys this information.

I know that Big Jay's never had an emotional breakthrough in therapy.

It's never had a breakdown.

It's just, don't waste your vote on Jay.

If it's Jay, I will suck this guy's cock off his body on the stage right now.

If it's Jay, and I really mean that.

And I really mean that.

God damn, I wish it was me.

I want to see this guy remove skin.

My vote is Louie,

Jewie, Cass.

Oh,

Jewie Louie.

Oh, okay, cool.

I see both you guys seem to be deflecting.

I see you both doing this.

This could be Dan.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Is it you?

Just look at me.

Are you talking to Lewis or me?

Yeah, Lewis.

No, I know it's not you.

It's not me.

I mean, I would scream at a therapist.

Dan, is it you?

Don't think I'm a pussy.

No, it's not me.

Could be, god damn it, it could be fucking Dan.

It's Lewis.

It's Lewis.

Well,

look, look, he's trying to get his vote in before you guys get your votes in right now.

He's trying to push this.

Louis's good.

I'll tell you right now.

Louis watched the show.

I could tell because he knew some certain things.

He's playing the game right now.

I think it's me.

I think it's the story.

I want to go with Louis Katz.

Final answer.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Louis Katz says, Louis J.

Gomez for the audio listeners out there.

Dan Saint Germaine.

All right.

I'm going to go with the Louis Katz.

Oh, shit.

It might be Dan.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number three belongs to

Dance St.

Germain.

You guys really showed your cards.

Let's call up Jonathan Greenblatt, baby.

Get them out of here.

I love he also voted last.

He forgot that he was supposed to vote until the very end.

Oh, yeah.

I'll go Louis Katz.

Fuck.

I don't know why I shifted everybody towards Louis in the beginning so hard.

And then you voted for Dancy Angela.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'm terrible at this game.

DSG, what happened here?

Why were you screaming with your therapist?

What were you getting emotional about?

I couldn't afford any more sessions.

And

he did some really good shit in that first session.

But I was like, hey, can I just get those notes for those?

Because it was brain spotting.

It wasn't normal.

It's like you look at one spot and then you look at the other spot and then you come back to that spot and you think about trauma in each spot.

It's a game of memory, memory, I think.

Whatever it is, it's more of, it's less of a talk about it.

It's more of like a,

like, kind of like, yeah, you kind of go through it.

And

anyway, we started, I said, hey, can I get it back?

And he said, he said, no.

And then I said, mother, I think I called him a cocksucker.

And then he started screaming and called me a cocksuck.

Like, I was like, all right, this guy's not a good therapist.

Like, I told you that in confidence.

Yeah, maybe I should back off now.

Yes, but you're a cocksucker.

Hey, you said you wouldn't throw that back in my face.

But anyway, I recommend brain spotting.

It's a good therapy.

Wow.

Geez.

I guessed you first, and then I fucking backed off.

Damn it.

Are you trying to make me think that you?

No, I thought you were just playing the game really well.

And I was like, all right, Louis, we all know what you.

I'm playing the game really bad.

It's okay, Jay.

This is very, very early in the game.

Alex, where are our points at after three stories?

After three stories with zero points in last place is Big Jay Ogerset.

In fourth place with two points, Louis Katz.

In third place with four points, Dan St.

Germain.

In second place with five points, Louis J.

Gomez.

and in the lead with six points Karen Fijan

I never win I never win you are getting dangerously close to walking home with upper west side Catholics

the church depicted an upper west side catholic suffered during the crime wave that devastated the upper west side from the 1960s to the 1980s However, the church was rescued from near extinction by the influx of Puerto Rican and Dominican Catholics.

It has emerged during the last several decades as a flourishing, multi-ethnic, bilingual parish.

Wow.

Wow.

Upper West Side Catholics.

It's called Upper Westside Catholics, but it should be called fucking

fuck.

Alex, story number four.

Alex, Alex, story number four.

Quit.

Before anybody sees it for a clean cut, Alex, story number four.

Washington Heights Catholics.

Get it clean.

Edit.

Story number four.

A comedian slapped me in the green room.

When they refused to say sorry, I fought them and rammed their head into the side of the comedy club until they apologized.

Jesus Christ.

Now Lewis wouldn't ask you to say I'm sorry.

Karen or

Karen or Big Jay.

Me?

Yeah, you.

It sounds like you.

You know what?

I got to be honest with you.

I don't know.

If I got slapped, I'm not going to be say sorry.

I would react on that.

Yeah.

No, but I wouldn't be like, say sorry or else.

I would just be in it.

If you slapped me?

Let me see.

Give it a shot.

Jay, don't do it.

Karen knows what it's like to be slapped like

me slapped me in the green room until I called him daddy.

I do think this is Lewis or Louis Katz because there's like a lot extra going on.

Louis Katz is not slamming somebody's head.

Maybe he did.

We talked about the guy loves sports.

Yeah, I love sports and beating people up.

That's me.

The guy fucking kicks ass and takes names.

If it was Gomez, he wouldn't have used the word rammed.

I don't think.

I think it would have been too much of a...

That was the most adorable thing I've ever heard.

Karen's allergic to good points.

But I don't know.

So I'm going to, I don't know.

Again,

I'm going to go with Kats on this one.

I think it's Karen or Lewis.

You guys seem like fighters to me.

Can I say, well, Karen's a problem.

I've said this.

But here's the thing.

Big Jay would know if this ever happened to me because Big Jay has known me my entire comedy career.

The reason it could still be Big Jay is because Jay had like six or seven years of doing comedy in Philly.

You think I never told you the story about pounding someone's head into a wall until they said, I'm sorry?

Maybe not.

No, it's kind of rolling off your tongue right now, big guy.

Say,

you're sorry.

Say, you're, I find like a retarded kid.

I just cry.

You gotta apologize.

I'm sad.

Why are you mean to me?

You know what?

The more I hear it, I want to vote for me.

We already discussed that.

I can't tell Jay's deflecting.

Or maybe it's Karen.

I guess it's.

Or this could be like secretly, Louie could be a badass.

He looks like a dweeb, but the reality is he could have a fucking real dangerous side that we don't know about.

Karen's like like slap me around.

All her posts are her like fucking getting jacked.

So no one's just slapping her and being like, oh, Karen,

she's not the girl comic to slap if you're another girl comic.

Karen, why did you dress like a middle school boy today?

Dress hot.

That's why we booked you.

That is hot.

I can't even see either of your pussy lips.

Middle school boy.

I'm here for Dan.

Stuart Sandusky jokes.

This fucking.

I mean, Louis Katz, he's.

This is too violent for me.

I wish.

He's a San Francis sleeper, dude.

This guy's got a rage inside of him brewing.

You think so?

I do.

It's why you shaved your head because your hair head wasn't intimidating.

But this look.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, dude.

No one seems intimidated.

But okay, I like that.

I like that.

Maybe I am.

You got a thing.

Maybe I got a thing.

Maybe I am a tough guy.

It doesn't matter.

The way he just says that, he says that in his head all day long.

Maybe I am a tough guy.

Here's what you are, though.

You're a dude

and you don't want to get slapped in the fucking face in front of people you'll have a reaction to that you're not you're not

but you might ask them to say sorry first

if you slap karen she comes and we just know this

can we agree this was andy dick though this definitely is also an andy dick story this is an andy dick story 100

how we don't have andy dick on story wars oh because we're going to know always

no but we're always going to know it's his i was blowing three guys on top of an RV.

Phil Hartman kept screaming at me to get back inside.

It's like, if you ram somebody's head into the wall, though, like, you're maybe going to dent their head, like their cranium.

Like, they're probably going to have to go.

That's why I feel like it wasn't somebody who's mega-aggressive.

It was a point making, like, a tink, tink, tink, you know what I mean?

And it's also, so the slapping, it makes me not think it's Karen, but it could, they could have been playfully slapping, and then you could have been fucking like, damn, man, jump on top of them and start banging their head into something.

Suck on this, Corinne Fisher.

All right, I'm going with my instinct.

Karen Feehan, one of these tourists has to be hers.

Here we go.

Fuck.

All of her answers are in.

Alex.

Story number four belongs to Louis Katz.

On the board.

Yeah.

I'm on the board.

A lot of people voted for Louie Katz on this one.

I thought that was the one I was going to trick everyone with, but I guess not.

What happened here?

Who is this?

You're a secret psycho.

It's Brent Weinbach, if you know him.

I remember that name.

He just had a special that came out this year.

It's real funny.

Yeah,

I played this.

He left a crazy voicemail for me on my phone

threatening me, and I played it for everyone in the green room.

He slapped me and ran away.

And then I confronted him a few days later outside of another comedy club.

I told him.

That's how long it took Louie to catch up with him.

He was like,

I was stop running, oh God.

It's a dry heat, but I'm still switzing.

Face me like a man and stop running, pussy.

Weinbach cats, the fight of the century.

So that's the thing.

So I brought him outside this other comedy club.

The thriller in Chinchilla.

Presented by Afrin.

Brought to you by allergies

and early quarterly taxes.

I took him outside and I said, like, I can't believe you did that.

You should apologize.

He's like, I'm not apologizing.

And then I just punch him in the face.

And he goes, you didn't even say let's fight first, which I thought was really funny.

Let's fight.

Is it Mortal Kombat?

And then I started fighting him.

Our friend Jasper got off on the bus, saw us fighting, apparently looked so pathetic.

He just said, fuck this, and went inside.

He didn't even watch the fight.

Wax kind of embarrassing.

Yes.

I had a feeling.

Yeah, and then

I started ramming his head against the side of the comedy club, and then he apologized, and then we went inside and did our T-Mac, and I could see a knot rising on his head.

How good did that feel?

Well, I felt it was funny, but I felt bad, you know.

No, no, no, but you taught him a fucking lesson.

Well, sometimes violence is the answer.

And that's how Louie's getting booked at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Violence sometimes is the answer.

They say a bitch learns best with a black eye.

A raped pussy is a pussy with new knowledge.

Am I right?

Come on.

I'm speaking.

This is in the government notes.

It's in the government notes.

But this won't be in the YouTube version.

It won't be.

I'll clap so we have a good edit.

Alex, four stories down.

Where are our points at?

All righty, in last place with two points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

In fourth place with three points, Louis Katz.

In third place with five points, Louis J.

Gomez.

That's in third.

In second place with six points, Dan St.

Germain.

Fucking coming up.

Don't count me out.

And in the lead with eight points.

Karen Feehan.

It's going to be no different.

Wow, we are at the halfway point in the show.

At this point, we're going to go around and do some plugs.

Karen Feehan, what are you plugging?

Wednesday, October 8th, I'm at the comedy.

This comes out two weeks after that.

Okay, November 7th, I'm at the hideout in Boston.

And the day after that, I'm doing a co-headlining show with Stacey Kay, my transgendered friend.

And it's at the stand.

It's at six.

Thank you.

How many do you have?

Here right now.

I have three in the back.

I bring about.

That's November 8th at the stand.

Oh, yeah.

Dance it, your man.

Just weirding everybody out with trans jokes.

I'm good, man.

No,

I do a podcast with Sean Donnelly called Burbs Bros.

It's about UFOs.

He's the one comedian who's sweatier than me, so check that out.

And dude, follow me on Booga.

Boogersphere.

Follow me on Instagram.

That's it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Louis Cats.

Just

check out my special on YouTube

and text balls to 55444 for all my upcoming dates.

Really?

Yeah, this is real.

That's B-A-L-L-S to 55444.

Big Jay Okerson.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates.

Look on there for a City Near You.

I got the Big Jay Okerson Peter North American tour coming on a City Near You.

If you get it, you get it.

Thank you.

Of course, listen to the Bonfire, Five Days a Week, Faction Talk Series X7103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the flagship show over here at Legion of Skanks or over at Gast Digital, Legion of Skanks.

Double vinyl coming up very soon for them, they, my crowd work special.

That's going to be a lot of fun.

And then check me out on YouTube, follow, subscribe on all my YouTube shit, youtube.com/slash bigj Okerson.

I'm doing live streams now once a week or so.

All right,

very cool.

Come see me live on the road, guys.

Lots of live data coming up.

Chandler, Arizona, the last week of October.

That's October 24th and 25th.

Then we're doing some live story wars.

We're doing the Grammar City Theater on November 11th, which is going to be incredible.

Huge show plan.

Get those tickets to New York City.

We want to sell out the Grammar City Theater.

We got a huge lineup.

We might announce it if we don't sell more tickets more quickly.

And it's supposed to be a secret, but we might have to announce these guys.

And we also were doing the night before Thanksgiving, we're doing Philadelphia.

Two shows, Story Wars in Philly.

Gonna be a great, great night of comedy.

Already sold out at the Mothership.

I just want to brag a little bit.

We're doing two shows at the Mothership at the end of the month.

And I'm releasing a brand new special at the end of the month.

You're making this worse.

Will be out at the end of October.

It's going to be on YouTube.

and you know a bunch of other platforms so check that out brand new book that i just wrote as well uh called knives and spoons Spoons.

That's available on pre-order right now on Amazon.

And if you love this show, you should know that we have about 40 episodes that aren't available to the public right now.

They're behind the Gas Digital

in the archives.

So go to GastDigital.com.

You get the uncensored and ad-free version of the show.

Pre-release on Monday nights.

You don't have to wait till Thursday for the YouTube version.

GastDigital.com, we have iPhone and Android apps.

Use the promo code WAR and you save a couple bucks a month that supports the show directly.

and you get all those extra member benefits, thousands of hours of podcasts that aren't available anywhere else in the entire world.

All right, Jay, explain what's going on in the second half because you're in last place right now.

Louis is not doing very good.

I'm in last place.

Me and Louie need this really big.

Can we catch up?

Is it possible?

You absolutely can catch up.

I know it looks like me and you are pretty dead in the water over here, Louie, but we're not.

We are one round away from taking the absolute lead because for the final four stories over here, Story Wars, we flip over to double points.

I love watching the faces of the people that don't know the show.

Like, what the fuck is going on right now?

Well, what's going on is very simple.

I know it's your guys' first time here.

Before,

if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed their correct story, you got two points.

And now that jumps to double points.

Crazy.

I'll get treated like a whammy, so I'm fucking press your luck.

It makes me giggle every time.

It's very, very fun.

This is fantastic.

I just watched G-Mike yell at Serafina for going in front of them.

Serafina's trying to be all sexy and sultry and fucking drop off drinks and stuff.

I'm not sexy, sultry.

Why is this woman dressed like a state senator going for a lunchtime job?

Guys, I'm going to go for a lunchtime jog.

I'll be back and feed it bill

you're doing like a terrible job at hiding your affair right now

and also i don't want to point anything out but this woman fucking jackie joyner clinton this woman's nipples are rock hard the whole show the whole show the whole show it's been keeping me going always hard oh my god now i'm always hard

me too my nipples are always hard it's a good thing though Soft nipples suck.

Soft nipples suck.

Soft nipples suck.

Oh my gosh.

Soft nipples suck.

Oh, sorry you're not cheering, you soft nipple sluts.

Why don't you get hornier better?

Alex.

She's got double points right now.

Nice.

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

I was in a major argument with my significant other while at an amusement park.

We were very angry every second of the day, except for the time spent on rides.

Didn't Lewis just tell this exact story?

There was nothing amusing about that day.

It's written a little like the last one.

There's nothing giving it away.

Except they weren't crying together.

This could be Karen.

It's Karen.

It could easily be Karen.

Was it the guy she was in an argument with?

I'm not really a big amusement.

Like, you guys seem like adult Disney guys.

Like, any one of you.

She's cornered and scared.

That's why she's being mean.

Yeah.

Call me adult Disney, bitch.

I just can see, like,

you, like, you guys are like a big soda and like a turkey leg like walking around.

I mean

I can see Dan T.

Jermaine walking around with a big turkey leg just down the street.

I've done that in a while.

I don't know if Lewis

Disneyland.

I don't know what significant other out pictures, but Lewis loves an amusement park.

He tries to organize an amusement park ride every trip every year.

I love it.

Six legs great adventure.

Yeah, I have he always has very argumentative chicks.

Yep.

I had a childhood, so this is just simply not me.

I never go to adult.

I never go to amusement parks.

I never heard such loud deflecting.

I think it's obviously care.

Yeah, you really are whispering it off.

And I don't even understand what an amusement park is.

Our amusement parks.

Is that where there's rise?

What do you do there?

Yeah, I mean,

I've been to plenty of amusement parks.

I go to Six Flags basically every year.

I've probably argued with every gal that I've ever dated in every school

in that amusement park.

You know, I I got to be honest with you, but it's just not me.

It took me two diet Pepsi cans to get us in one two for one.

We got the fast bar.

But Jay, you're also, you're, you're an arguer.

You, you know, you and your ladies, you get into some pretty heated ones.

Yeah, I mean, Christine's here.

She'll definitely nod on that.

Christine's terrified of you.

She's looking at her feet.

Are you now?

I see her looking directly at me.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Look at your Tootsies!

Down to Tootsies.

Are you eating without my knowledge?

What'd you do?

You having popcorn or a snack?

Put that on your calorie chart.

I give her a calorie chart.

I weight watchers her.

I go, fill your points up on the little thermometer thing on the...

Oh, this does sound like mean that I do all that.

Louie, Louie, have you ever gone to an amusement park with your boyfriend?

I've been more of a carnival than an amusement park.

I didn't go to the I've never gone with you guys to fucking Six Flats.

Check this out.

This is clearly a woman because

a dude, you're not.

Let's leave the.

I don't go to the park.

We're fighting.

I don't want to spend the money.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Like how.

Yes, we speak Hebrew.

I'm not spending the money.

We're not going to the amusement park.

I mean, I hear what you're saying, but it's coming out to me like Dreido, Drew, Drew, made out of clay.

And I'm Jewish, so i understand hebrew

it almost feels like you're selling the point home like we're gonna get our money's worth we're gonna have fun on the fucking rides at least i guess we'll argue the whole day i don't know man that sounds like a horrible day and that's too much money that i think it's care but now picture him on like the teacups or something oh

there we go yeah karen's not tall enough to ride any real rides

and that's the problem and louis

so i think

i am tall enough to ride the rides i mean not all of them i do love rides when I go.

Nobody would ride the rides with me at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

I rode them myself like a weirdo.

No, that's not true.

I rode the

Roundup.

I rode the Roundup at the Gathering of the Juggalos, and we were all on drugs and drunk, and we all felt like we were going to puke.

And you went on over and over and over.

I loved it so much.

I got on by myself.

And then at one point, I was going on the Roundup, and this thing's going full speed.

You're up in there looking down.

And all I started thinking, because nobody else got on there with me, I was just like, I was stoned, too much weed, and I was like, I'm alone.

Nobody wants to hang out with me.

And look at me, I'm almost 50 years old, and I'm on a ride by myself.

Everyone around me was young, and goofy-haired, and screaming.

I was like, Look at this, I'm pathetic.

I'm just the old man taking up a spot on the Roundup that could be here for another child.

That is the beginning of every Zolof commercial.

It is, and Sky Rizzy.

Ever since then, I've had marriage and severe platsoriasis

uh

i mean i'm i'm i am getting big j vibes right now i'm getting big j vibes i think the stories have been big j late light as of late i think i haven't had a story yet we haven't had a story from big j yet so it could be me just based off of that now i don't think it is you weasel

i hate this game hurts my brain

all right i'll start the voting uh i'm getting big j vibes

big j he argues with his chicks fuck, that's making me think Lewis.

He would go

twice anyway.

A couple Karen votes.

Same exact handwriting.

It's psychotic.

Big Jason Okerson, Karen writes.

That's my name.

Fully.

That's how my mother yells at me.

Big Jason Okerson.

I expect more of you.

I'm going to go with Lewis.

Please.

Alex,

all the votes are in.

Story number five belongs to Big Jay Ogerson.

God damn.

Big Jay, which significant other one, was this your wife or your girlfriend while you had a wife?

This is my girlfriend when I had a wife, but after I lost my wife and just had a girlfriend.

And I'll tell you what,

this girlfriend without a wife wasn't holding up her into the bargain this day.

It was supposed to be better than wife.

Big Jay's ex-wife took half of his tickets from that amusement bar.

Thank God I had Diet Coke cans.

Me and Christine were out staying at our friend Michelle's house,

who we all know, out in Los Angeles.

And we were out there, and it was like October, November, and early in the day, we were like, let's get tickets to Halloween horror nights.

At Universal Studios.

So we bought them.

And I couldn't even begin the guess.

Do you remember what I was about?

We got into a fight at that.

You're fucking married

well that lasted fucking 14 years into our relationship but that

it's over now for the last year and a half though it's been over

i uh thank you thank you that guy and christine

so we were uh and and our friend michelle was going with us i bought tickets for the three of us and somewhere in the house that day before we left we got into a fight But these are non-refundable tickets and it's like, you know, whatever, 100, 200 bucks a ticket to go to Halloween horror nights.

So I'm like, no, we're fucking going.

And we went with our friend.

We had to sit there while we nobody talked the whole drive there.

Nobody talked.

I mean, they have an exorcist level amount of fucking escalators to go up in Los Angeles.

We're walking through haunted houses.

And let me tell you what doesn't.

I don't like haunted houses because I think they are like, not that they're scary, but I just don't like that people are trying to like jump out at you.

When you're in a fight, none of that matters.

I had a Jack Nicholson in a shining room come out at me with a chainsaw, and I was like, okay.

We just kept going, moving forward.

Then

we would get on rides, exciting rides, and we would fucking, it would lock us in, and we'd both go, it's like, I just look it over, I go, the fucking audacity of you to fucking move.

And then for 10 seconds, you go,

and then it goes backwards.

And then you go, let's fucking go.

I think Jurassic Park's closing in a few minutes.

We were a bitch.

But I will tell you, to this day, why I will sing the praise of these guys.

The only thing that broke the energy, the only thing.

We were in a, it was a knockdown drag out.

We were not talking.

And if we did talk, it was fuck you, fuck you.

And then they go, hey, guys, come in here.

The Jabbawockie show is starting in a few minutes.

And we went in and I go, I guess, I want to sit down anyway, so I don't give a fuck.

Let's go ask the Jabbawockies.

And then it started off with Bodak Yellow by Cardi B, and these little fucking Koreans came out.

And I was, for

fucking 30 minutes, we were like, yo!

I want to join.

And then as soon as over, he goes, thank you guys.

If we could have you exit to the left, I was like, let's fucking go.

Jurassic Park's closing soon.

Great story, Big J.

Alex, five stories down.

Where are our points at?

All right.

On the scoreboard in last place with three points.

Not me.

Louis Katz.

Bumps me up.

Tied for third place with six points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Dan St.

Germain.

Come back.

Coming back, baby.

In second place with nine points, Louis J.

Gomez.

And in the lead with 12 points.

Karen Feahan.

It's not out of reach.

Karen, this might be your day.

This is a big deal.

Lewis is on your ass.

And for the first time, I mean that metaphorically.

It's not a bad rump.

I'm not going to get excited because I never win.

I like that attitude.

I was going to say, I'm not going to get excited because Lewis is on my ass.

Yeah, it's not even going to hurt.

Sam.

I can't even hurt.

You're like, we tried anal, but did we?

Is it in?

Is it in or do I have to take a tiny shit?

Let me ask you a question.

Are you inside of me completely nuts to butt right now or do I have to take a teeny tiny shit?

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All right, where were we?

Five stories down, Alex.

Story number six.

Story number six.

I once broke into a neighbor's apartment, almost got caught, and ended up fighting two women.

Well, I mean, that sounds like a

girl's story, no?

Yeah.

No, that's too on the Alex would have changed it.

What do you mean?

You could change it?

Well, she changes the wording sometimes if it becomes too obvious, but I don't,

there's nothing obvious really two women makes me think it could be a dude it's a fair fight definitely could be you it's an awesome fight yeah it'll be devastating for those gals was it at once was it at once or back to back because i could take like 12 women back to back oh my god tournament style i fucking dominate a chick fighting tournament yeah i also feel like there's like elements of this story missing like you broke into the apartment for what got caught for what What were you looking for?

Was it a burglary?

This is Karen.

Well, that'll be the story.

I said everything to you now after that.

I don't know.

Sorry.

Do you think it's Karen's story?

They took a lot of stuff out of it, and she's like, hey, where's the rest of it?

Yeah.

So it was more colorful.

This is their quiet way of saying, like, hey, Alex, what happened to the 75 other details I gave?

Well,

it's like two separate stories.

The getting caught and the breaking has nothing to do with the ended up fighting two women, right?

Well, I think the women.

I guess they probably are.

So I once broke into a neighbor's apartment, almost got caught, and ended up fighting two women.

Or they ended up fighting two women.

Maybe that's just something that happened later in the night.

This sounds like the beginning of a great porn.

Ooh.

Neighbor girls fight, then fuck.

It's also like fighting women implies that like you didn't just like kill them immediately, which like, I don't know, excludes like Lewis and like maybe that there was a fist fight.

That there was a

like a time a time-passing fistfight.

It was an actual fair fight, not just like a guy hitting a woman.

Yeah, it's like it was, I knocked out two bitches and then took the shit I was trying to get from their apartment.

Yeah, this is fighting.

It's overhitting.

That makes it more confusing.

Could this be a drunk DSG?

Could it just be yelling?

Is fighting?

Could that be yelling, or do you think that implies fists?

I think at least defensive maneuvers.

I didn't even overthink that.

I guess it could just be arguing.

Well,

they would say arguing, though.

Fighting, yeah, fighting two women sounds like fist to cuffs.

Then I think it's well, then I think it's you.

Because if it's anyone besides you, then it's end and then we're in prison.

I'm in Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Except for you, Louie.

Yeah, here, here, because here's my thing.

And I lost a fight to two women.

For sure, you shaved your head and you were susceptible to women.

Send me to jail.

That's it.

I still wouldn't go to jail.

Maybe.

Depends.

I feel like if it was me, it's too obvious.

And like you ask yourself, which man on this planet panel is like the closest in size to a woman?

Who?

Karen.

Karen Feahan.

I mean, Louie's other story.

It depends what kind of woman.

I'm close in size to a woman.

Yeah, I'm close in size to like the This Is Us chick.

I'd love to see you two scissors, bro.

Oh, buddy.

I did the I went to screen test with her, and they

ended up.

You were up for the role?

Yep.

It broke my heart.

That's always a funny thing.

I was up for the role for This Is Us for the boyfriend of the gigantic girl, and This Is Us.

No way.

I went to screen test.

I did the screen test with her.

The scene ends in them making out after a discussion about Weight Watchers, yum.

And then by the third time, they had us, they almost let us get so close to kissing the third time that I went, all right, guys.

I said that out loud.

Then they didn't give me the part, and they said it was because I was too thin and handsome.

Then when it got picked, which felt nice, then it got picked up for 13 more episodes.

Oh, man.

And they called me in.

And my manager called me and goes, hey, they want you for,

they want to look at you again.

The producer liked you a lot.

They want to look at at you for another role.

For super hot guy number five.

Shut up, Jim.

No.

Shut the fuck up.

No.

You have eyes, you fucking lying scumbag.

There's no lie.

This is the fucking thing.

That's the, you're, you're almost stepping on the punchline is that they call me and they go, they want you to read for another role.

They really liked you a lot.

I go, what is it?

The fucking fat piece of shit that the girl cheats on that fat guy with?

And they went, yes.

And then I didn't get that because I wasn't thin and handsome enough.

You think I was sucking my own dick in that story?

Why would I I waste my time?

When have I ever told a story?

He goes, and by the way, guys, I kicked ass and got pussy.

Hey, remember the time I told that story?

I kicked so much ass and got so much pussy?

I mean, I can see this being Karen during her drunken days.

She broke into a neighbor's apartment for some reason or another.

She thought it was her apartment, maybe.

Oh, yeah.

That's something that, you know,

I would have done.

Then two chicks were in there and she had to fight them.

Yeah.

They were already in there.

Like, if I was looking for something.

Oh, Lewis, you're voting so fast.

It makes me think it's you.

But you didn't fight two women.

I would know this.

Yeah, he would.

He probably has.

He would?

Now, Karen, you're just trying to say that?

You want me to vote for you?

Because

that was so half-hearted.

You went, no, he would do that thing.

I did.

He would.

Fuck.

Lewis, if you steer me wrong, dude, I'm going to punch you right in your wiener.

Please.

In front of all these people, I'm going to hammer fist your wang.

I don't know.

I'm on the fence.

I don't think

I'm so annoyed right now.

Dan Shigami missed the

slot.

I just watched Daniel.

We got Karen's all around, except for Karen, who writes Lewis.

Oh, Jesus.

I think this is very obviously Karen.

Alex, all the votes are in.

If it's not Karen, somebody just cleaned the fuck up just now.

Somebody did just clean the fuck up

right now.

No!

Story number six.

You.

Belongs to Feg Jay Overson.

What a round.

Was that two in a row?

Yeah.

It's round.

Two in a row

in the second half.

Alex, you f.

Alex.

It's random.

That's crazy, Alex.

Buddy, that's crazy, especially when things go double points.

God, I hate how I have to cheer for you.

I know, right?

It's so addictive.

I'm so bummed out.

So, Lewis, you sort of know the story.

When me and my ex-wife were living in Queens,

we got sort of like, they were like sort of evicting us illegally.

They wanted to send, they wanted to charge more money for the apartment.

So they were like, hey, you're...

You guys Asian?

Yeah.

Oh, god damn it.

They were like, you didn't, they go, you guys have been great tenants, but we're kicking you out at the end of the month.

Jeez.

And we were like, why?

And so we wrote back and we go.

No, that was their name.

Why?

They were the Y family.

It was spelled Z Y.

Yeah, yeah.

They,

but they, X, Y.

They, uh.

No, they just, they reached out to us and they go, hey, you guys have been great tenants, but like, we're going to need you out by the end of like next month.

So, which, and here's the thing.

We knew what they were doing.

They were going to raise the rent like they want to raise it a ton

they want us out so we just all we asked for you not give us enough again yeah i go i go can you just give us till summertime just give us the beginning of summer so my daughter can finish school here so we don't have to worry about uprooting her in school we just asked that can we stay until the beginning of summer and then we'll go no they just sent back a lawyer's like you know like we're refusing to leave so they're evicting us which ended up being working out better because we had the our lawyer was so fast just to be like oh oh, perfect.

You're going to live there for about six, seven months for completely free.

Just put the money aside for rent.

But like, this is an illegal eviction.

It's just a wacky.

They handled it so weird because they don't speak English very well that this is a stupid thing they're doing.

Like, you're going to live there for free for six months, but in six months, plan in about five, six months, like to move.

So we were like, great.

But because of that, going, and we were just kind of living our lives there, they were furious.

Multiple times there were fights.

They bit my ex-wife on the fucking hand once to blood.

Wait, what?

Who bit?

An old fucking Asian lady.

No way.

You don't want to, you know, I don't know if she's half dragon.

Yeah, you don't want to fight Asians, dude.

They can throw flowers.

She's going to get her hand.

That's how Reddit thinks COVID started.

So,

so

when it was just getting more and more heated up, they were like threatening all kinds of stuff to it.

It was really hot.

Duca?

It was awkward.

Now,

we had two floors.

It's basically, as everyone knows, a Royal Home in Queens.

We had two floors, middle floor and top floor with the bedrooms.

In the basement, it was an illegal apartment for sure, but that's where they fucking stuffed their grandma from the family.

Who's living in an illegal apartment downstairs in the basement?

So when they were doing all this thing, going to kick us out.

Now, interesting time here, this is when me, Lewis, and Nate Bargatzi all lived a block from each other.

And we're all doing the same right now.

Yeah.

Nate.

Nate had just married his wife, and Nate got a job writing for the video game awards.

So she was home all day, and me and her were just housewives at home.

My ex-wife was in law school or whatever.

And me and her were just home all day by ourselves.

So she came over and we concocted the idea like, yo, let's break into that apartment downstairs, take video and pictures of it for the lawyers so you can show.

Also, they're trying to evict us, and they have an illegal apartment downstairs.

Right when we were coming out, we broke in easily.

We broke into a grandma's apartment?

Yeah.

Okay.

As we were walking out and just closing the door, like they came in the door and started accusing us of doing that.

We were like, nah, fuck you.

We didn't do shit.

And And they were like, yeah, and we went outside, and me and Nate Bargatzi's hillbilly wife

sat outside with, and it was the mother from the family and the daughter.

The only one who spoke English was the daughter.

It's like your story from Koreatown.

Yeah.

It was the same thing.

They got furious and they just started like the girl, almost like an honor patch.

She grabbed my sweatshirt and just ripped this mother, the 70-year-old grandmother, ripped my shirt.

And then my shirt came off.

He's just shredded.

No,

Jay underneath there.

Quite the opposite.

No, quite the opposite.

It was a little flappy titty.

And then me and Laura Bargatzi, Nate Bargatzi's wife, went back to back like a John Wu movie.

Dove shot out, and then me and her fucking fought these two Asian ladies, mother and daughter.

And then the cops came and did the old like, everyone gets arrested or no one gets arrested.

And we were like, get the fuck out of here.

And nothing happened ultimately.

That's crazy.

But yeah, but I didn't fight those two women, but I definitely gave them a little bit of like a, I would shove them into Laura Bargatzi, who would tag them for me, which was nuts.

I'll tell you what, you can give them a gazillion dollars.

They're still two fucking hillbillies from old Hickory, Tennessee.

And I love them for that.

Nate and R.

Bargatzi.

Alex, six stories are down.

I have no idea what's going on with the points.

Big J just scored massively just now.

Huge.

Where is our points?

I'm very happy for you.

I want to win still.

You know, I want to win.

I do.

Alex.

In last place with three points, Louis Katz.

Sucks.

I love sports and kicking ass.

I booked Louie for this show six months ago.

I regret it.

Should have been out of town this week.

In fourth place with six points, Dan St.

Germain.

Respectable.

In third place with nine points, Louis J.

Gomez.

It's the guy who's his vision.

The whole show is his vision.

In second place with 12 points, Karen Feahan.

Oh, come on now.

Come on.

She comes every, she's been here four times.

Maybe the most people have been on it, and she does great every time.

And in the lead with 14 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

You guys don't even know this show.

You are here for what could be a monumental night.

He never want to win.

No, this has happened so many times, and I still lose.

So if I win, no, you are here for one of them nights.

We've had like 70 episodes.

He's won five.

Alex.

He's here every week.

It's my show.

Alex.

Story number seven.

Story number seven.

One time I got into an argument with a person over a parking spot.

After they went into the store, I put my boogers underneath the door handle of their car.

This might be the Louis Cats we don't know.

A silent booger attack.

That is is such a disgusting, savage thing to do.

I get it.

I like the idea, but I'm also grossed out by it so much.

Because all this stuff, like, this makes me think, I go, how many people have been like, that guy sucks.

Let me put boogers on his fork.

On his fork.

Just whatever.

You have a booger wall.

A booger wall?

Yeah.

I do?

Yeah.

What?

What do you mean?

Growing up, didn't you, like, pick your boogers?

No, my mom, I did.

I would flick my boogers, and they would land on the wall.

And

they would have to be.

That's the big booger guy.

They were all over the ceiling and all over the wall and one day my mom just noticed yeah and then she started picking out all the boogers everywhere and she lost her mind and I remember she should have my mom had my mom had throat cancer so she had her vocal cords fried so she could only whisper so she just whispered yelled boogers

boogers

Thank God your father was stabbed before he could see that shame.

We can only thank the Lord Christ that Lewis's father was struck down by an agent of God to make sure he wasn't there to see Lewis flick his boogers into a collection.

Well, the collection, I would just, I would just, you know, get them on your finger and flick that and go, then it gets stuck in your thumb and you flicker.

I hate what you're saying.

It's making me actual, visibly nauseous.

I'm turning green.

Like a booger.

Louie, Louie.

Yeah.

You have a little savage in you.

You think so?

I think so.

You also have a bad boy.

I mean, now with the shaved head, you're definitely a booger.

You also have a giant Jewish nose.

I feel you can get access to all those boogers very easily.

That's a beautiful nose.

You've got a nice nose.

That's why you bring me on the show so you can make Jujos?

Not me.

I'm Jewish as well.

So, no, I think your nose is nice.

Thank you.

I got a bigger nose than you, and I don't have a really Jewy nose either.

I don't know.

It's beautiful, guys.

Dan,

Jay's nose is so Jewish that he has three piercings on one side.

Damn it.

I never overthought the fact that I have so much nose.

You can pierce it so many times.

I should get three more piercings.

I should get seven more piercings in this nostril.

Like, sorry, guys.

Turns out Ashkenazi on 23andMe.

So

I threw down with it.

Jay saw Water World and he was like, I like that aesthetic.

Hell yeah, dude.

Remember Water World?

Yeah, you guys are all going to drink my water piss.

Watch Water World, and you'll laugh at that.

So,

I mean, this is a pretty sad.

Look, I only started driving not that long ago.

This might quietly be a Karen story.

No.

I'm not.

Karen doesn't drive, though.

True.

Yeah, but she's super into kink, and maybe boogers are someone's thing.

I'm not a booger girl.

And you have very small nostrils.

Yeah.

But what if it's in a booger domination?

I feel like your guys' nostrils shoot out like star David boogers.

No, I smoke cigarettes.

It's a hole.

It's just...

There's always something coming out.

DSG.

This could be a DSG.

He's really quiet.

Yeah.

He's being super quiet.

I know.

But I feel like he doesn't have hard boogers.

I feel like you have must you boogers, and those aren't really.

No, but those are the good ones for smearing.

For smearing behind a fucking door.

Oh, you're smearing.

It's you.

Me?

Yeah, you're the booger guy.

Well, Jay, you also have your crazy Road Rage.

Can I tell you something?

If it was three stories in a row, Big Jay, I'm the fucking second round.

I'd quit the show today.

Don't worry.

That'd be insane.

I agree.

You should quit the show if that's the case, but it's not.

It's not, though.

Don't worry about it.

But I will say this.

And Lewis is right, I do have like road rage stuff.

In argument, before I did this, I would stupidly, by the way, I acknowledge completely sane and not angry at all.

This is stupid.

I kick this, I kick the guy's door in

or key it.

Like I do something far more aggressive than putting boogers underneath it.

That's not my thing.

It's so I would do, by the way, boogers is a better solution.

When someone does something like that, like if somebody parks, I take so much time reparking a thousand times to make sure I'm not blocking somebody into their car, like blocking their door in, that if somebody blocks me in, I treat their car like fucking E Honda and Street Fighter.

I'll beat the living shit out of it for points.

I remember one time I

was dating a comedian, not Karen, not Cam, a different one.

Another psycho?

Another psycho.

And she got out and there was these black chicks that parked next to us.

And these black chicks were just like kind of grilling this girl.

And she was kind of like some meek, kind of like fucking white chick.

She was nervous.

And these black chicks were just being so, like, yo, yo, fuck, yo, bitch, what you looking at?

And then they walked, they just left.

They walked into the mall or whatever it was.

So then I keyed the fuck out of their entire car, like all over the place.

I was like, why would you just leave your car with me?

I'm Puerto Rican.

Hand turkey.

Is that a crime?

Nope.

Yes.

Yes, it definitely is.

But not to me.

Not emotionally.

To me, it wasn't.

I love Alex's lawyer.

Mother just went, yes.

Mind your business, Ange.

I have no idea who this is.

It's so diabolical.

You know, it takes a real, like,

kind of a psycho, and they're like planning shit.

I don't know.

This feels like a very how they caught the golden state killer.

You know, like golden state.

They tested the vote.

Louis Campbell.

Oh, you are from San Fernando.

That's right.

This is fucking big,

steep urban hill behavior.

Oh, Big Big Jay's voting early.

Not me.

Don't pace your whole thing off me, dude.

Live your life.

I'm getting Louis Cat's vibes, but now I'm feeling it can't be three stories in a row and the second one for Big Jay.

It can, though.

It can, but that's insane.

No, you should.

No, if that's the case, we're going to change the rule where that can't happen.

That's insane, dude.

Joey?

You wrote Joey?

I wrote Jay.

Oh.

No, it can't be.

Just the sheer numbers of that.

I am so, I don't know.

It can be.

I don't like people.

By the way, I fought over a parking spot before in my life.

Who are you putting now?

But the question is:

am I a bitch enough to simply put boogers?

Louis Katz with a boogery nose.

That's how I feel.

I feel it's Louis Katz.

Are we allowed to vote now?

What's going on?

Yeah, you can vote.

I'm going to go with Gomez.

Gomez!

Stupid vote.

Daw.

She wrote Daw.

Dan, I wrote Dan.

It's just a bad end.

They're all bad.

They're all bad ends, Karen.

I.

I did Louis Katz with a Jewish star with boogers leaking off of it.

I'm pretty.

It's one of you two.

This is all over the place.

This is a wild round.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

The catch made me think it's not him at all.

Let's hear it.

Fuck.

Story number seven belongs to

Louis J.

Gomez.

Yeah.

Wow, that's cool.

I didn't realize you were such a bitch.

Yeah, dude.

I was...

That's why we stand up for ourselves.

I was pulling into CVS in Jersey, and this was way too recently.

This was last winter.

When you were still in your 40s.

Yeah, dude.

I was deep into my 40s.

And I was pulling into a spot in CVS, and this other bitch was pulling into the, trying to pull in the same spot.

There was a hundred open spots.

We had no reason to argue, but it was like a pissing contest with a woman.

And I was like, I was like, baby, amp, baby, amp.

And then she fucking got it, and I was like, oh, you fucking bitch.

Then I pulled in, and I just watched her walk in, and I just fucking dug every booger that I could get out of my nose.

There's not much one to say.

I put them all under the handle of her car.

Did you dig more than once?

Yeah, I mean, I literally got, I must have been sick or something.

So you digged in, you put it on and then you put your finger back in your nose?

Yeah, I probably got the worst part out of the score to me.

That's disgusting.

You got to get up in there.

What did the chick look like?

I have no idea.

I don't really know.

Mega hot.

No, no, she wasn't.

She was like a fucking.

I'm just picturing her collecting your boogers and like casting a spell.

Damn it.

And I should have,

when she were arguing with a person, that was very telling.

Fuck.

Because exactly.

Why wouldn't you get out and aggressively have a physical or screaming after the person because it was a fucking chick?

This woman needed a booger

under the handle of her car no you did the right thing dude hand turkey meant turkey

alex seven stories down we have one more round where are our points at all right in last place with seven points louis cats i'm still in last fucking place after that

yeah yeah

yeah

yeah

how

i want to how simple math seriously

simple math no no no no don't i get two i get yeah you had three points

You had three points, and then you got four points for that round, so you have seven now.

But maybe I should get more.

All right.

Never mind.

Alex.

In fourth place with 10 points, Dan St.

Germain.

Oh, fuck.

I'm doing worse than I thought, man.

In sixth place with two hard nipples, this chick.

Hey.

They came back harder.

What did you do out there?

Did you ice them up?

In third place with 12 points, Karen Fehan

in second place with 13 points Louis Jay Gomez

and holding on to the lead with 14 points big Jay Ogerson

Christine there's a strong chance you don't get hit tonight

She hates Wednesdays.

We have one more story, folks.

And let me let you know what the fuck we're throwing down for here.

Why this is so important to me.

Because I want to bring home the Upper West Side Catholics, which explains how the Ascension Church was one of the first parishes in the Archdiocese to offer a spiritual home to LGBTQ Catholics and continues to support the Ascension Gay Fellowship Group.

The parish can why everybody shut down.

The parish continues to flourish due to the powerful presence of two defining characteristics, immigration and neighborhood change.

No, no, no,

sir, no, no, sit down.

There's one more story.

Everything comes down to this.

I'm sorry.

Block the doors.

You can be here for a night that I do it.

Truly anybody's game.

But mostly mine.

And I've only won six times in one and a half years.

Truly anybody can win this right now.

If you look at the points, yeah, anybody can win it.

I don't feel like I could.

Louis, you can win this.

All right.

This is it.

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All right, we're robbing.

Alex,

for the love of Christ.

Story number eight.

Story number eight.

I got caught in the middle of a beef between rival Capoeira guys.

Wow, dude, all three of my stories.

Now,

Capoeira.

Yeah, it's Brazilian dancing karate.

Yeah.

Banana we.

Banana we banana.

Banana we.

Banana way.

Banana.

Banana way.

Nobody saw that one movie.

It was Power of One with Mark Dekoskis.

You were wondering.

Oh, yeah.

Penturkey.

He was a teacher.

It was before like...

He was a teacher teaching bad kids.

It was like dangerous minds, but instead of teaching them.

Brazilian dancing.

Instead of teaching them fucking backwards chair fucking poetry with a leather jacket on, he brought them out and made them fight to the death in Brazilian dancing karate.

The power of one starring Mark DeCoscas

Mark DiCoscas.

Who now became the host of Iron Chef?

Mark DeCoscas.

I mean,

there's very little.

This is definitely when Louis Katz did his fucking Thailand tour.

He got wrapped up in some fucking Capoeida shit.

I can't even pronounce that.

Capoeira?

Yeah.

I feel like

Capoera.

You know what?

I thought it was like Capoeida.

This sounds like Karen walking through the wrong neighborhood and getting caught between fucking Capoeira beef.

She was hot chicken her way through, shaking her ass, and then two Brazilian guys fought over her.

Capoeira.

Capoeira.

I feel like, yeah, Louis did grow up in San Francisco, which is like...

I did not, actually.

Oh, you started comedy there?

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

Where'd you grow up?

L.A.?

He's like, Brazil?

In the

Capoeira dojo?

Where'd you grow up?

You didn't grow up in a dojo?

What was your art?

Is it from Thailand?

It's Asian or it's Brazilian.

It's Brazilian, but he might be playing the game right now.

Remember Eddie Gordo from Tekken?

Yeah.

Eddie Gordo did Capoeida.

Okay, okay, okay.

And he was Brazilian?

Yeah.

Well, he read black, but sure, yeah.

I can picture Louie like flirting, like, hitting on a girl, and she's like, What do you do to like work out?

He's like, Karen, did your pills kick in?

What the fuck's wrong with you?

I can't picture that.

She goes,

Louie can't get it.

Let me finish.

I love the new Xanax character you're doing.

Oh, yeah.

So that's probably.

Karen Hedberg pulling through.

Do you guys know anything about one-liner?

I have a a point.

The Terry Shimo of comedy, Karen Jean.

You can't picture Louis hitting on a girl and being like, I do a little capoeta for like a workout.

Dude, this is Karen's dream.

The time she walked through somewhere and two fucking dancing karate guys fist fought over her.

I want to go with that, too.

That's awesome.

Is it because I'm really good at saying capoeira?

Yes.

You go, oh my god, guys, don't capoeta over little old me.

Are you guys going to capoeida over Steve?

I just don't think that Karen would know what what Capoeta is.

It's not me.

This is gay.

This is Louis Katz again.

But she pretended she didn't know how to pronounce it, but then she pronounced it perfectly.

What, Capoeta?

You pronounced it, and you pronounced it.

I did pronounce it.

Listen,

we all saw the movie.

Capoeta is the power of one.

It's like Mark DiCosta.

I would argue it was the only Mark DeCostco's vehicle in Hollywood.

We all learned about Capoeta.

We were

home from school sick in the sixth grade.

We watched that movie.

The Power of One.

He told you, hey hey guys, stop gangbanging and do dancing gay karate.

Who's the actor?

Mark Dakoscus.

IMDb it.

I'm killing this.

Thank you, sir.

He gets it.

Finally, a guy with a bunch of people.

You don't remember.

Banana way.

Banana way.

Banana.

Banana way.

You don't remember this.

Let's get you.

Yeah.

All right.

That's like remote.

Oh, I didn't know that Jay knows Capoeida.

Dude, I've been studying the dark arts for years.

I had to kill a man in Thailand to get my yellow belt.

it's not even the black as well

this is karen she stoked up two fucking dumb goofy asian guys or brazilian guys i think it's big jay i think it's big i swear to god it's not me you think i've walked through dancing karate battles and have somehow inserted myself yeah you think hey guys what are you guys fighting over little old me

it could be karen it could be louie i can see louie just fucking how do you walk down the streets of san francisco they're all heroin addicts dancing for something

And

they get in the middle of the beef.

In the middle of the beef.

Are they fighting over me?

He goes, hey, why don't you guys just dance and stop fighting like a bunch of queefs?

Karen did know the name Capoeta.

She said it properly.

Capoeta.

You know what?

Look, I'm going to vote, Karen.

It's not me.

If it's you, Lewis, I'm going to do two things.

I'm going to kick you in the back of the leg and I'm going to clunk your face on the table.

And then I'm going to run.

I'm going to leave out.

Because you know I'm going to start breakdance fighting you.

I know at that point, if the crowd starts championing pounding away, panna no way.

You're wrong.

You're wrong.

Karen Fian.

Somebody just fucking did really well, but it wasn't me.

Is she good?

Is she this good?

Is she this good?

Alex, the final story.

All answers are in.

The final story belongs to

Louis Katz.

Boom.

I think I got double points on that one.

I thought I'd say that in everyone else.

You said that would happen.

Okay.

Well, that was fun.

Oh, yeah, you have to win a story.

You have won the game to activate double points.

Oh, fuck that.

Fuck that.

Why that?

Double points.

Fuck that, man.

You have to have won the game.

You didn't win the game.

Why?

You just said it.

No, a game at any point in your career.

Once you win, once, you become a storyteller.

And then they can come back, and then every time I say it, they'll cheer you.

Yes, yes, absolutely.

Fucking whatever.

Tell the story.

What happened here?

What happened with this Capoeta beef?

I'm in Brazil, where I live.

You were in Brazil.

Yeah.

You lived in Brazil?

Yeah, I lived in Brazil.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Studying Capoeta.

You don't know that about him?

I was trying to tell you guys, but you accused me of being on pills.

You know what?

That was shitty of us.

Let me be the first to apologize, Karen.

You're not on pills at all.

You're fine.

I was in Brazil, and I guess they have rival Capoeira games, which I didn't even know there was.

And I was camping with one in the jungle.

We were hanging out with me and two capoeiristas, as they call them.

And I got real high with them.

They're capoeira guys that serve coffee?

Yeah.

Capoistas.

You don't speak your own language, it's sad.

They're capoistas.

Capoistas.

Capoistas.

Panana way.

Panaway.

Foam leaf.

Panana way.

No, no, no.

I couldn't, I didn't know Portuguese and they didn't speak English.

I spoke a little bit, but I was high.

I couldn't understand it.

And I just, they got in a one of them, got in a fight with another one.

So they had a capoeira matcha.

Sorry, go ahead.

It It was hand turkey worthy.

Anyway, the next day,

I'm just walking down the jungle with one of them.

I'm like, what happened?

He's like, oh, this rival gang beat up with the other guy, so now we have to leave the island.

I'm like, what's going on?

Do they have guns?

He goes, I hope not.

I was like, what?

And next thing I know, this guy runs down the jungle path, jump kicks the other guy.

He's fighting two other Capoeira guys, and he puts his stuff down.

He starts fighting them, and I did the right thing.

I ran.

No, you're supposed to start singing Panana Way, Panana Way.

No, no, no.

I grabbed his stuff and I ran to get help.

And by the time I was there, they'd let him go.

And we just had to leave the island because that was their island.

And we were in the wrong turf of the turns out.

Those guys were also the Jabbawakis.

Nice.

That sounds like the alternate ending of the Karate Kid, too.

Holy shit.

Fantastic story.

Couldn't guess where we're at.

Couldn't guess.

All of our stories are done.

Give us our final spread.

I think I know who won.

All right.

In last place with 10 points.

Dan St.

Gerbert.

Oh, man.

Sorry, guys.

I'm sorry, mom.

Tied for third place with 13 points each.

Luis J.

Gomez and Louis Katz.

Third.

Second place scored 14 points.

And your winner tonight with 16 points, Karen Feehan.

Oh, what?

What?

Congrats.

I won!

You earned it.

I won?

Wait, really?

I won?

You're the winner.

Oh, my God.

I don't understand.

I don't understand the point system at all.

Everybody, welcome your newest story warrior, Karen Feehan.

Karen Feehan, everybody.

I'm second.

And Karen, of course, as a story Story Warrior, you know, now you have the privilege of triggering it.

Wait, I don't understand how I won.

Let's not over question it.

Because points, scoring.

You know, in the second round, we have a certain amount of points.

Double it.

I can say it.

Yeah.

Double points.

How could it feel good, right?

I like it.

It feels so good.

Everybody, welcome.

We knew a Story Warrior to the family.

Karen Fehan.

How about it for our entire panel over here in Story Warriors?

Dan St.

Germain,

Louis Cats.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, guys.

Your newest Story Warrior, Karen Feahan.

She is welcome to the archives now, the fucking halls, the annals of Story Wars.

Thank you so much for hanging out with us.

We're here every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club in New York City.

And guys, check us out at home on GastDigital.com.

Until next time, everybody, peace.