063. Jeff Dye, Sarah Tollemache, Na'im Ali | Stupidity

I'm right about a lot of things that people have zero clue that they even know is going on.

Oh, oh, okay.

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Hey, Story Warriors.

Before we start the show, I want to let you know that we have some brand new merch at StoryWarsMerch.com.

The website's up and running and everything is in stock, including the logo shirt, the Story Warriors shirt, and of course, our very, very popular double points shirt.

Yeah.

We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall.

Do not forget we're doing a special meet and greet at SkangFest exclusively for fans who come in their official merch.

So, do not delay.

Head on over to storywarsmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

What's going on, Story Warriors?

If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45 p.m.

to be a part of the show.

Don't be a piece of shit, just get your tickets and come.

It's fun, fuckface.

New YorkComedy Club.com.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Ogerson and Lewis J.

Gomez.

Oh, that is very, very good energy.

What is up?

Make some noise in this fucking room for you, William, New York City.

Make some goddamn noise in here.

Welcome.

Nice.

Welcome to Story Wars, everyone.

America's favorite new game show.

We are packed here.

Sold out.

Oversold.

Oversold.

We don't need Tony Henchcliffe.

Oversold?

Tony Henchcliffe has nothing to do with this.

You got to get that out of your head.

Dude, he said that one time, and it really pissed me.

It really stayed in your fucking ass.

We are going to have a fantastic show tonight here.

We always ask ask every week, how many people here are familiar with the show Story Wars?

Okay.

Okay.

How many people are not familiar with the show Story Wars?

Everyone, get them.

Come on.

Right in the front row, sir.

How ballsy are you?

You know how excited these people in the back would be to be this close to the Story Warriors?

I do love when they boo new people.

It's the most unwelcoming fan base ever.

Hey, how new?

I thought it would be really fun to check out.

Fuck you.

It's a very, very simple game, Story Wars, and a lot of fun.

We will explain the game once we get our panel up here.

Oh, yeah.

Lewis, bring up our first contestant.

Our very first contestant today, returning Story Wars competitor.

You might know her from her special, Butthole Money on YouTube.

Clap it up a slider cat for Sarah Tola Mosh.

Hi, Sarah.

Happy to have you back on the show, Sarah.

Last time you killed it, you did not win, but you're coming back to defend that loss.

No, I won.

Never mind.

You won.

I apologize.

I don't remember.

Why is that?

Why is it not on our sheet?

Guys, do me a favor.

Moving forward, make sure we know who the Story Warriors are.

We have a returning Story Warrior edit in Sarah Tolomash.

Thank you.

How embarrassing for me.

Yeah,

goddamn fool.

Yeah, well,

you're back to

defend your title.

Yeah.

I love it.

I couldn't think of that word.

I appreciate it.

You're falling to pieces, man.

Tony Hinchcliffe is in my fucking head.

Rent free, dog.

Rent free.

Our second contestant from the Trudette podcast, right here on Gas Digital and the Durag and the Deer Tag podcast.

How about it for the hilarious?

Naeem Ali in the house.

Make some noise for Naimali.

Mali.

Naeem Ali is a returning story warrior.

He won last time he was here.

No, I didn't.

God damn it.

God damn it.

I think I lost more than by more points than anybody else in the history of the game.

I'm getting everyone confused today.

I very often get Sarah and Naeem confused in my daily classes.

Yeah, in the right light.

Go ahead, Lewis.

And our last competitor, he's got an amazing podcast called Last Cowboy in LA on YouTube.

And he's got a great podcast called Die Hard available anywhere you guys find podcasts.

Clap it up for Jeff Die.

First time competitor on Star Wars, Jeff.

Happy to have you here, my friend.

I've been on and I've won before.

No, no, first time.

I'm very excited.

Very cool.

Very excited to have you here.

Here to defend my title.

Okay.

We're going to have a lot of fun today.

Jay, why don't you explain the rules to both the audience and our competitors?

Well, for the people listening at home for the first time, the new people here is a very simple game.

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject.

Tonight's subject?

Stupidity.

Ooh.

Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to take eight of those stories and put them down one at a time on this screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It is your job to say it is not your story and fool other people.

If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every story you guess correctly, you get two points, and every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

So, if it's your story, you have an opportunity to get up to four points on that round.

So, it's a very important round, and uh, it's a lot of fun.

Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, you put put the dry erase board in this little slot right here, remove your hand.

That is it, you can't change your answer.

That's it.

And I'll tell you right now, we're playing for fun.

This is the most fun game show you'll ever be a part of, maybe the most fun podcast you'll ever be a part of.

But we don't just play for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Every week here on Story Awards, we're playing for a book from the Story Awards Library.

Tonight's winner takes home Conversations with a Pedophile

in the interest of our children

by Dr.

Amy Zabin.

Conversations with a pedophile ask the hardest questions.

How does the mind of a pedophile work?

Uh-oh.

We found a pedophile.

He's like, I'm out of here.

I'm fucking out of here, man.

They're on to me.

How does the mind of a pedophile work and how do they lure children into their web?

As a prison therapist, Dr.

Zabin had direct access to Alan, not his real name, a convicted sex offender,

A convicted sex offender who admitted to abusing more than a thousand boys.

A thousand boys, he may be the best pedophile ever.

I know.

Or the worst, depending on how you define bestophiles.

Prolific for sure, no doubt.

His uncensored confessions reveal the chilling truth of how predators operate.

Conversation with a pedophile in the interest of our children.

Big, big book.

I think everybody's got it.

Who's going to get it?

That is the book that is up for grabs.

I think without any further ado, Alex,

story number one.

Story number one.

I once used dirty pictures of a girl as payment for a service with one rule.

Do not let her know you saw these.

The guy I showed them to got drunk that night and told her.

She wasn't happy.

I mean not Sarah I guess

process of elimination we're gonna just hit down the Sarah head right there well Sarah's won before it also could be a great throw off

yeah I mean I look I will say that that's a very smart play if it is Sarah it could be Sarah well I I have been poor

I needed money

So it could be.

Do you have dirty pictures of some girl on your phone?

Just Google images.

Oh, yeah.

This is my friend.

Yeah.

This is her pussy.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure that's Jenna Jameson.

Oh, you know her.

Oh, that's good.

I mean, I will tell you right now, as I'm looking at this panel right now, I'm looking over at Jeff Dye, who's a handsome devil.

Probably has lots of dirty pictures of girls in his phone.

Way higher numbers than your little pedophile book.

That's a thousand boys.

But I'll tell you right now, I mean, Jeff, Jeff, and look, he's a very nice guy, but I will say that if I wanted, if I know Jeff pretty well, I could get Jeff to show me some naked girls in his phone right now.

I didn't know we could use them for services in exchange.

He just sends them this.

I'm like learning things.

Like, yeah, all right,

and we've all done that.

I think it's a crime now, but I'll admit, I think the statute of limitations has expired on that.

We've all, ladies never give us nudes.

We show them to all of our friends.

No, no, that's not.

Seven years ago.

Seven years ago.

Hey, shut the fuck up.

He's lying.

You can trust all men.

Believe all men.

If you send them to me, I would be trading them for goods and services.

House cleaning.

What type of goods and services?

Like

American Indian goods?

Like a dream catcher and some old

furs.

Some antique nickels.

This is a very comedy one, I feel like, you know?

I would never do no shit like that.

Y'all know it's not me.

I'm two player.

You see what I'm saying?

I'm not doing that.

I'm not going to ruin it.

We definitely am that.

Yeah, we would.

Yeah, I mean, that was crazy.

We weren't even coming at you.

No shit like that.

For no reason, he just started going, it's not me, I swear to God.

I felt the heat.

Y'all are staring at me.

I felt the heat.

I'm like, no, no.

I was mid-sentence.

He's like, it wasn't me, you know.

It wasn't me.

It was wild.

I mean, that really made me think it was you.

I wasn't even looking in your direction.

No.

It wasn't me.

I would never do that.

Never.

You said you would never fake your own suicide to make a girls say.

And you looked me right in the face, and then you were lying to me.

That might have happened, but I would never do this.

Everybody faked a suicide before.

Nobody ever did this.

Well, I'll be honest with you.

More people, I think, did than you think.

I thought I was going to be like, what?

But everyone's like,

we've been there.

Sometimes you've got to get somebody back at all costs.

Jay, look, this also could be you.

You and I have been friends for over 20 years.

I mean, we've been known to share some.

Yo, I would never do no shit like this.

You're coming at me all funky.

Nah.

This is my pimp card doing this shit.

I mean, yeah, we got to get some shit.

For services?

I want to know what the service is.

Yeah.

For a service, like a.

What was the service you traded him for?

No, it wasn't me.

It wasn't me.

You know what?

It was Lewis.

I know it was Lewis.

Lewis is a good businessman.

He did it.

He'll figure out a way to trade pictures for services.

I will say that without a doubt, that does sound like a savvy business move, like some real Steve Jobs shit.

That's my main inspiration.

You're going to get Lewis to admit it when you hit him with compliments?

Like, dude, this sounds like a genius.

What kind of a fucking genius would pull something like this off?

I mean, this could be anybody except for Sarah, really.

We're going to feel fucking dumb if it's Sarah.

Oh, if it's Sarah, Sarah just cleans up.

You know what?

It is Sarah.

Now I think it's Air.

Well, the fact that Alex even left it in without changing anything makes me go that.

I feel like Alex is kind of playing this game right now, and she's trying to trick us.

I think this could be Sarah.

Yep, it's Sarah.

This is

the two people I thought.

Sarah, it is you.

In case you didn't know, it's you, Sarah.

His name is Naim.

How do you spell Naeem?

This is probably easier to spell this guy.

This guy.

I can take my hand off.

Yo, don't fall for it.

Don't think it's me.

Don't fall for it.

All right.

I'm not saying it's you, but how do you spell your name?

How many apostrophes are in your name?

One, there's only one.

There's only one.

There's only one?

You've had one.

You may have one apostrophe.

Well, there's a couple if you use the full name that ends in the word Matumbo.

Naeem's got an umlaut, an apostrophe, a semicolon.

S-A-R.

I'm going with my own spelling.

Ooh.

No, that's right.

You got it.

Thank you.

Sarah votes for me.

I mean, I think you know Naeem starts with an N, at least.

Yeah, I do know that.

Easy, Jay.

It's Story Wars.

What the fuck was that?

It all starts with an N.

That's right.

That's perfect.

Very good.

I'm going to go with my first instinct.

I'm going Jeff Die,

do or die, Jeff die.

Let's go.

That makes me think, Lewis.

Please make the mistake.

Lose your points.

It probably is.

You never say great job when I guess you.

You never go, oh, that's good, dude.

You want to change my boat?

Yeah, it probably is, Lewis.

We know each other real good.

We do.

We've been playing, we've played, this is our 60-something something episode, and Jay is terrible at the game.

He's only won six times.

I've won like 25 times.

All right, then I'll stick with my brand and go with the black guy.

Beautiful.

How wrong you are.

I will say,

for the first time ever, I mean, our panel has the nicest handwriting I've ever seen.

Usually, our panel's all over the place.

They're all fucking sloppy.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

All of our answers are in, Alex.

Holy shit, everybody.

Oh, no.

Holy shit, she said.

Number one belongs to

big

shit.

Yo,

that's crazy.

What was the service?

Yeah, what was the service?

Damn it.

How much are these nudes worth?

What did you get out of it?

So,

you rat.

Also, isn't that an illegal distribution of pornography?

Completely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was pretty young.

I'm sorry.

See, who told you it wasn't me?

I was 19.

So this is before cell phone pictures.

This is photographs.

You developed them?

There was a girl, a friend of mine, who was so hot, never fucking me, though, for sure.

And

but she let me what, she goes, hey, I want to send pictures in to Playboy.

I want to be in Playboy.

So she goes, can you?

She goes, I trust you to take the pictures for me, dumb.

And she goes, can you bring over like some Playboy magazines or something so I can kind of know what the poses are?

So I go sure.

And I brought over what I do is I, instead of bringing over the full magazines, I cut out some pictures from Playboys, but then cut out some other pictures from like, not like

guy, girl, porn, but yeah, definitely like, you know, a little more like,

she's like, that's what Playboy does?

Like, yes, that's what I'm doing.

They show butthole in Playboy?

Oh, it's so weird.

She's fucking the photographer in this Playboy.

So I brought them over and with a disposable camera, you know,

took over pictures.

Then I went to the, whatever, the right aide to get them developed.

And there was an old man who worked there.

And I go, okay, man, here's what I want.

Make copies of these.

No.

But only put that you have a single print on each thing.

I think that's the third crime in the story.

Probably.

Yeah, what, you know?

Yeah.

With the

for sure.

And then

so he did that for me.

That guy's a good guy.

That guy's a good guy.

So I had them.

No, no, he's not a good guy.

He's not.

Because imagine how many other things he hid.

People take all types of nasty pictures, and he just did this for you.

He didn't even know you.

Right.

That's crazy.

It was just dudes understanding dudes.

And

I got the pictures, and, you know, I gave her her sealed pack, and I had my sealed pack.

And then I had him in the glove compartment in my car, and I was working at the time.

They would keep him with him at all times.

No, no, it was just, I had him for like a day or two, not even.

They were just in the glove compartment box and I worked at an auto dealership, like delivering auto parts and they were like, my brakes were fucked up.

And they go, the service department will hook you up like because you work here and stuff.

So I went there and the guy was like, 50 bucks, I'll do your thing, which was a million dollars to me also at the time.

50 bucks, I'll do it.

And I was like, all right, well, I needed it done.

And while he's working on it, he was telling me where he hangs out and stuff.

He's like, I hang out at this bar.

And I go, oh, my friend Desiree works there.

And he was like, dude, I'm fucking in love with that chick.

She is so fucking hot.

She's the hottest chick in the world, blah, blah.

And I was like, really?

So

what would you, if I had

like some great pictures of her to show you, what would that do?

He's like, dude, I wouldn't charge you for this at all, man.

I'd fucking just.

Oh, hell yeah.

He had to cut the rotor.

So I showed him with the caveat of like, hey, I know you go hang at this bar.

He seems like he's a kid who gets hammered.

I'm like, can you please like, don't ever say anything about this at all?

He goes, dude, you have my word.

What he did actually was that night he went there and he didn't tell her.

Another girl that works there, he goes, God, you know that waitress I'm in love with?

Some guy show me naked pictures.

So it trickled back to her.

It could only be one person.

Yeah.

Me.

She called me upset.

I just was like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Then her boyfriend.

You should have said Hugh Hefner told him about it.

You're in.

Congratulations.

No, what happened was she called me upset.

Then her boyfriend, who was like, you know, and she's like one of the girls that dated like an older guy.

Her boyfriend gets on the phone and he's saying all kinds of threats.

I have a question just real quick.

Why didn't this whore ask her boyfriend to take the photos?

She wanted me to do this.

Only Jay had nice.

Only Jay had the disposable camera.

All the gear for the photos.

She's got a fucking Kodak, a Fujifilm line around.

Think, dude, this is the night.

So

what she goes, so she he gets on the phone and he's like threatening me and all kinds of stuff on the phone.

And it's one of those things like I'm not backing down from him, but I really don't want him.

He's like threatening to come over and shit.

And I'm almost like, whatever, dude.

She's like, I got my camera.

I'm like, come over, pussy.

And I'm doing that.

But in my mind, I'm going like, he's coming over with fury.

And I'm going out there based on a lie I'm telling.

I have to fight with the fury of like, you're accusing me of something I did, motherfucker.

Like, that's not that angry of a.

So I was like, man, he's got all the fear.

He never ended up showing up, but I panic, cut up the pictures,

and then I flushed him down a fucking toilet, which is probably a bad idea.

That's crazy.

Yeah, bro, you was bitching too hard.

Why do you do that?

Because of what I assume was probably the legality behind it.

Oh, okay.

I hope that the next one says, I once clogged all the plumbing in a building in New York City.

No, it was in Philly, but it was definitely probably not good for the plumbing, for sure.

Took a few flushes, I think.

Wow, great story, Jay.

Alex, after one story, I mean, I already know the answer here, but make it official.

Where's our points at?

All right, on the scoreboard in the lead with four points.

Big Jay Okerson.

Always early rounds, but it doesn't mean anything.

Before we even move on, I want to say shout out to Smokey's Edibles, who are in the house.

Hulk crew from Smokey Edibles here.

They gave us some edibles for the crowd.

If anybody wants to get high, these are phenomenal.

There was a Story Wars episode in Los Angeles where, by story number five, I was just picking my nose and staring at the ceiling.

Thank you, Smokey's Edibles.

There he is.

You don't even know the show, sir.

You piece of shit.

Just, you know, this tossing behavior is what happened right before Charlie Kirk got it.

Right.

Maybe next time let your friends throw things too and don't hog it all, piece of shit.

Sorry.

You Can you throw out some body brain coffee samples for the crowd?

I'm not getting shot.

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Prize picks, it's good to be right.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number two.

Oh, God.

Don't peg it at women.

Story number two.

In high school, I would steal a family member's car in the middle of the night to go hang out with my friends.

One night, I got caught and grounded.

I decided to steal the car again the next night, thinking nobody would think I was stupid enough to do it two nights in a row.

I got caught again.

Wow.

This is a dumb person.

Oh, God.

Don't say that right before I was going to make my guess.

I don't think it's a dumb person.

I think it's a young person.

Yeah, well, it says high school, Jay.

Yeah.

Unless they're really dumb.

Really dumb.

I thought my initial guest was Sarah, but I was about to go, I think this is, and then you were like, this is a dumb motherfucker.

Oh, I don't want to say her name.

Sarah,

when did you move out of South Africa?

I was not even a year old.

You weren't.

She's from South Africa?

Yeah, I'm not afraid of the African American.

She's the African one on the panel.

Damn, that's crazy.

Two of us.

That's right.

Two of us.

That's wild.

Now that I know that, she stole the car.

I apologize for earlier.

We're down to two.

We're down to two, for sure.

Way more African than me.

I never even been there.

I also never been there.

I do like to talk during the movies.

I do.

There's just so much to talk about.

Oh, God.

God, I hate being such a pussy.

Every time there's black people talking in my movie, I just fucking huff and puff, and I never say anything.

I've said something, Lewis.

I'm going to be honest with you.

It doesn't go great.

They're never ending

It doesn't go great.

You got to let us cook.

Sometimes we're saying important things.

It depends what I'll go to.

I'll do a horror.

Yeah.

A horror with black people is fun.

That's fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

Sometimes we just make sure you see the movie.

Like, oh, you just see that shit.

Sometimes we doing that.

You see what I'm saying?

Well, I think black people in a horror movie, it adds to the excitement.

They're silly anyway.

So it's like everyone's supposed to be kind of like the camaraderie of that.

Right.

Exactly.

One time I was at a movie theater and they were talking a lot.

And then by the third one it was pretty funny and then it added an element to it.

Yes.

See?

Yeah.

Like, oh, that's actually funny.

I'm going to give them that.

And then

hit my eyes.

Hey, you're giving me to the sphere in Vegas?

That's what it's like going to the movies with black people.

You see what I'm saying?

It's an immersive media experience.

Yeah, it's immersive.

And when like thing, you're going to get hit with spritz sometimes.

Well, the reason I asked Sarah that because I was wondering what type of cars they would be driving in South Africa.

I didn't even think they had cars there.

Human cars made out of the black people.

Yeah.

It's racist, Jay.

Well,

it's South Africa.

We rode zebras.

So

idiot.

Yeah, idiot.

I would steal a family member's car in the middle of the night to hang out with my friends.

I do.

Grounded.

So here's the thing.

I'm thinking not and I am because black people don't get grounded.

They get their asses beat.

Yeah, how about this?

Yo, listen, that's how.

You see, I ain't even saying shit.

This one, you know, it ain't me.

I ain't never been grounded a day in my life.

Neither have I.

My mom didn't ground me.

My mom would just fuck me up.

yes i used to get my ass but i also assume that none of you guys had family members and if you did they didn't have cars yeah exactly boom

boom hit it right on the nose ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding bingo you see what i'm saying for that reason i'm gonna say sarah

it's it's either sarah or jeff i feel like here i think it's jeff jeff had some good parents

parents that ground are good parents i can tell jeff's parents are still together he's a christian he's a good guy this guy doesn't need to steal cars he could have gotten some slightly chubby chick to drive him anywhere he wanted.

I could get a hot chick to drive me somewhere.

No, for sure.

But a chubby chick will be awesome.

Why chick to be chubby?

It's three in the morning.

They're coming running.

Fair enough, fair enough.

She'll deliver you to the hot chick who just wasn't going to take the trip.

No,

you think I have the balls to steal?

To steal a car?

No, I don't.

I think it's Sarah.

Okay, good.

I was going to say this.

It's for sure, Jeff.

I don't know what balls.

When they first read it, he made a noise.

Every time you read a sentence, he was like,

That's just what I do.

That's just how I listen.

I don't tell you.

I'm 42.

I don't have the balls to steal anything.

I don't have the stomach for it.

I'm going to go with.

Assuming a friend or mom's car is not exactly stealing.

No one said mom.

Wait, what does it say?

It says steals.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Louis J.

Gomez.

What the fuck's going on over here, bruh?

Why are you looking so close?

It's the first sentence.

Yeah, yo.

A family member's car.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry.

I I assumed it was a parent's car.

Lewis.

It's too late, Jay.

But not just a parent's car.

A mom's.

We figured it them out.

Yeah, it was just Lewis, bruh.

You should have wrote this guy.

Sarah.

Was this you?

I don't know.

That's a good answer.

Yeah.

It couldn't be her.

She said the whole zebra thing.

You don't remember that?

Right.

Remember that, Joe?

Sarah Talamash is my vote.

Are you not listening to the lady?

She drives a zebra.

2012.

Zebra.

S-Class.

Alex, all of our answers are in for story number two.

All right, everybody.

Story number two belongs to

Sarah Tolomash.

Yo, damn.

Fuck.

He tricked me.

With the mom thing.

Damn it.

So whose car was this?

you're a liar sarah but i trusted you

it must have been it must have been your dad's because my dad's dead and everyone knows that so that's why what was with that zebra bullshit

yeah right

it was my brother's car he was in college so he left it behind oh so i would push it down the driveway and then we would go smoke cigarettes at denny's

You are African.

It was the most important thing in the world, right?

It had to be done.

We had to get there.

We had to get it there.

Yeah.

But yeah, I got caught twice.

And then I did it like a year later.

I kept doing it, actually.

What were your punishments?

Grounded, but with a sense of humor.

You know what I mean?

Like, then I would get a nickname of called Knight Rider.

Like, kind of that kind of shit.

Would you have rather gotten grounded or just cracked one time with a belt?

Probably grounded.

Because it never, you can, you can charm your way out of grounding.

She's back to being white.

Yeah,

yeah, that was great shit.

You can't really charm your way out of getting hit with a bell.

I remember one time when I was like maybe eight, my mom started to beat me up, and then I was like, All right, I'm gonna try this.

Let me just see if this is a different approach.

And I was like, Mom, but I love you.

And then I hugged her, and she like got emotional.

And she like hugged me back.

And I was like, Oh shit, that's the way to do it.

And then, like, three days later, started hitting me again.

And I was like, Mom, but I love you.

She's like, Fuck you, sort of punched me in the face.

She's dead.

She's dead, Jay.

Two stories down, Alex.

Where are our points at?

All right.

We have a tie

for third place with two points each.

Louis Jay Gomez and Sarah Tolomash.

Wakanda Forever.

And in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Big Jay taking an early lead.

We'll see if he holds on to it.

Shut up.

Playing a perfect game right now.

Don't be that guy.

Alex, story number three.

Story number three.

I once hit a car on the freeway and left the scene because I was uninsured.

I was later caught.

The damages were so bad that I had to file file bankruptcy.

Jesus.

Damn.

Damn yo.

Jesus Christ.

Somebody, yo, yo, somebody, y'all ruin y'all life

of a damn car accident.

Jay, you would know that I had to file bankruptcy at one point in my life, and I would know that about you.

So I'm thinking this is Jeff because he looks like he comes from a family that would understand how to even do the paperwork to get involved in that.

Right.

I don't, I bank, I don't know what I mean.

Don't you have to be rich to file?

I thought you had to be on the wheel of fortune.

Yeah.

No, no.

We don't know how the laws work in Africa.

It's Jeff or Naeem.

Yeah.

It's with damn sure ain't me, bruh.

I tell you this right now.

Anytime I done hit a car and skirt it off, I made it out clean.

They ain't never catched me.

So everything's here.

You've hit people on the freeway.

You've been uninsured, but you got out of it.

I ain't never got caught.

Never got caught.

Not once.

I'm legitimately excited to hear this story.

I want to know what they hit, how they found him.

How do we know you guys haven't filed bankruptcy?

You said that so quick.

Yeah, it's right.

Oh, you'd know if I didn't.

I'd know if you, this has got to be them.

Well, we're playing against each other.

There's no reason for us to be in cahoots.

Well, this is your show.

You guys are very good.

Look,

we do want want to keep conversations with the pedophile the story we're excited about.

I will say that.

When we go on the road together, we read a chapter to each other at night.

I don't need that book.

I was friends with John Reed.

I forgot.

What was on that hard drive?

Ah, fuck.

I mean, here's the thing.

I'm kidding.

Jeff vibes.

I already knew it.

But I feel like, but again, Jeff is not.

He's a good guy.

Good family.

Why would he have an uninsured car?

Naeem is a piece of shit.

Yo, you're right about that.

You think I've been uninsured?

You ain't never a lie about that.

Wow.

Well, the way Jeff said it makes me think it's definitely

Jeff.

I'm telling you, listen, white people that look like this be doing sneaky shit.

I'm telling you.

You see a white shit.

I'm telling you, yo, they be doing sneaky shit.

Let me just say, that is so racist.

That was.

Very disappointing, Naim.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

I'm really torn on this one.

I'm going, Naeem.

Yeah, this is.

I'm going to go, Jeff.

You know what?

I'm also going with Naeem.

He did admit.

He admitted that he does this.

He admitted to himself that this was some strategy that I use very often.

I'll admit to certain parts of the story to throw people off.

That is your story.

Naeem Ali.

All right.

It could never be me, bro.

It could never be me.

It could never be me.

Oh, we're about to find out.

All the

Say his name.

If this is Sarah again crashing your brother's car in the center, it might be nuts.

How'd she get off the hook?

That's crazy.

It could easily be Sarah.

I don't even consider that.

Fuck.

Alex, whatever answers are in.

Story number three belongs to

Jeff Dye.

Yes.

Hell yeah!

I fucking told you.

I told you.

Well, don't let my face and clothes and stupid hair deceive you.

I come from a long line of white trash.

You were a long line of white trash.

A rap scallion of sorts.

Oh, yeah.

I'm from Kent, Washington,

which is the woods about 45 minutes south of Seattle.

And a little hit and run and getting out of there is just kind of what we do.

Who did you hit?

It was like somebody driving a car.

You're going to an accident or you just got?

Yeah, I was like driving a giant lifted Jeep on the freeway and I was headed to the Giggles Open Mic in Seattle.

This is in 2005 and I'm

out of my way family in a car.

No, I just,

you know, sometimes traffic is like stopped like around a turn or whatever.

And I'm driving this big stupid lifted thing.

And so when I see it, I was like, ah, you hit the brake.

I just smashed this car.

and I I left because I was just panicked and freaked out and I was uninsured and then obviously they caught me immediately there's like nine million witnesses and cameras and everything there's only one giant bright yellow lift it was so dumb but I was I was a very stupid kid and then everyone was like were you drunk or where you went I was like no I was just scared and so I left and

you know no one was hurt thank God and nothing you know nothing came of it but like her car was all fucked up and so like I was like maybe that'll tip them off yeah Well, good for you, Jeff.

Alex, three stories down.

Where are our points?

All right.

Tied for last place with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Naeem Ali, and Jeff Dye.

Oh,

I don't know.

Did you guess yourself?

No.

How did I get points?

Because it was your story, and two people didn't vote for you.

You tricked two people.

In second place with four points, Sarah Tolomash.

Yeah.

And in the lead with six points, Big Jay Okerson.

Oh,

I can almost picture this book on my mantle.

Conversations with a pedophile reveals how a convicted sex offender selected his victims and slowly drew them in.

He details the grooming process.

What is this?

A how-to?

Building a trust, forging bonds, and then violating that trust once the children were vulnerable.

Dr.

Zabin shares these disturbing words so that parents can recognize the warning signs and use this knowledge to help keep their children safe.

Yo.

Conversation.

New York Times, number three.

Now I'm glad I'm in last place.

I don't know what the fuck, yo.

How did this book exist?

Yo,

publish this should get locked the fuck up.

This is crazy.

A little bit of nepotism.

Me and Lewis did the audio book for this guy.

It's so parents could recognize

Lewis the pedophile on the child in the book.

Nah, bro.

Yo, this is erotica for pedophiles.

They buy it as a jacking off.

It's either so parents can recognize the warning signs or a complete how-to guide to fuck children.

Yes, exactly.

That's nuts.

Every couple pages is stuck together.

It's a real chunky book.

Yes.

It jumps from 101 to 133.

Ew.

But I'll tell you what, that's 32 pages of magic right there.

Oh, man.

If you can get a heat gun, you can probably get those open and see what all the hubbuck's about.

Ew.

Okay, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Turtle Beach for supporting the show.

Longtime supporters of the show.

We love them.

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All right, let's get back into it.

Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

I got suspended from school for calling a girl a racial slur in an AOL chat room that included my teachers and every other student in my class.

Naeem.

I do think, it just very much could be Lewis.

AOL chat was right in high school for me.

This is an age thing, right?

It was right in high school for me.

I had used some racial slurs in my day.

Maybe you've never heard of a little show called Legion of Skanks.

No, I know, but what would you have said?

I just feel like this is a story I remember of you.

This would be a big moment.

I said it from school for it.

The N and the G keys were rubbed off on my keyboard.

I know.

It's because you hated gingers.

I'm getting naim vibes.

It's a little bit throwing it off, right?

How the fuck is it me?

I'm black, nigga.

Fucking me.

You called an Asian person a hilarious thing.

Yeah, and you're allowed to use all the racial slurs.

You don't know, you know.

But I wouldn't get in trouble for it.

I'm black.

Oh, you get suspended for calling a white guy a honky.

How dare you?

Yeah, I'm getting like Asian or Indian vibes.

You called some girl a towel head or something.

Towel head.

What the fuck?

A sand-end word, all the hits.

All the good stuff.

I don't do that.

I'm a nice guy.

I don't do that.

Until you get pushed over the edge by some dirty sand-end word.

Or Asians.

How do you feel about Asians?

See if his eyes light up.

What do you think about Asians?

Oh, I love the Chinese.

Oh, yeah.

I love the Asians, bro.

Those rice end words.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

It's not Sarah.

Sarah would never admit to this.

That'd be crazy.

South Africa is a very racist place.

It is true.

But we didn't have AOL chat.

That's true.

She wrote it on the side of a zebra, smacked it on a test.

I think I'm almost sure it's Lewis.

I'm almost sure it's Lewis.

Well, the reason you're not 100% sure is because it's you.

Nah, bro.

I agree.

I'll vote right away and tell you this is naim.

I mean, I did get in trouble in the sixth grade.

I'd never really

interacted with Jews before, or I thought I had never interacted with Jews.

You go, so I firebombed a synagogue.

And, like, but then I met Jews, and I was like, oh, I should have done that.

They were nice.

They were pretty cool.

No, we were doing a thing with construction paper, and then I had black construction paper, and I cut it into like a spiral, right?

And then it fell like a little spring.

And I put both of them on my head.

I was like, look, I'm a Jew.

And I was talking to a girl named Barbara Ann Wittenberg.

And she was like, I'm Jewish.

And I was like, what?

You're like, yeah, no shit, Wittenberg.

Yeah.

So I did get in trouble.

He's like, he's doing that thing again.

He's doing that thing that he does.

I got you, bro.

I got you, bro.

He does that sometimes.

He does.

He tells the story.

Yes.

And then goes putting it.

And then he fucking went.

And then he goes.

I did the exact same thing, but this isn't me.

That's one of his trackers.

I've done similar things, but this is not me.

It is Naeem Ali.

I do agree, it's Naeem, though.

Y'all racist.

Why?

Because we think you were in an AOL chat room 10 years ago.

You were still using 23 hours of AOL 10 years ago.

I would like to thank all of you for not accusing me of this dog shit.

Big Jay is a decent answer as well.

Big Jay, he's...

He's been too sneaky over there.

Yeah,

he knows how to cut deep.

And he's racist.

Right, he was pretty comfortable rattling off all those ones to Naeem.

Exactly.

None of these things are true.

Four stories down, Alex.

Whose story was this?

Story number four belongs to

Naeem.

Yes.

It was me.

You fucking idiots.

Or should I say you fucking idiots?

I know.

Naeem, what else?

I just want to write your name again.

I felt like it was a pattern.

Naeem, what else?

So many vowels.

So many vowels.

What race was this girl, Naeem?

She was black and white mixed.

So what'd you call her?

I called her a nigga bitch.

I said, you fucking rip.

That's not racist.

No, the bitch is not racist.

The bitch is the white part.

Yeah, that's the white part.

Cause you fuck a nigga bitch.

Always getting in trouble for being right, you know?

Yeah.

We was on a class trip.

I was in like fourth or fifth grade.

That was right when AOL came out and they had an exhibit at the Franklin Institute.

And they took us to the Franklin Institute.

And then we all was in there in the chat because it was like a new thing.

It was like you all could be in the same chat room on your different computers.

And then she said, and then she typed in the thing, she said, Naeem, ugly.

And I said, Shut up, you nigga bitch.

And then I got suspended.

Yeah, she started.

Right.

She got no trouble for calling you ugly.

No, it's a woman.

Come on.

What the hell's going on?

Women get all the brakes.

All right, four stories down.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with two points, Jeff Dye.

You better fucking clap before he fucks all your girlfriends.

In fourth place with three points, Naeem Ali.

In third place with four points, Louis J.

Gomez.

In second place with six points, Sarah Tolomas.

She's doing good.

And in the lead with eight points, Big Jay Okerson.

Big Jay Okerson, in the lead.

Hey, Jay, you've been playing the game a lot better lately.

I come in stone-faced, no emotions.

You come in stoned-faced.

Do plugs.

Let's do some plugs, guys.

Jeff Die, what are you plugging, my friend?

I have a podcast called Die Hard, and then just go to JeffDie.com.

I'm literally in a comedy club every night.

So I'm coming to your town, wherever it is.

Very funny, very funny.

Naeem Ali.

You can catch me at TrueDad Podcast.

Check out the new podcast.

It's the best true crime podcast in the fucking world.

Hell yeah.

And Durag and the Deer tag, me and my boys kicking it.

You know, you know, come check me out.

And follow me on Instagram, Naeem2nderscore Ali.

That's where you can catch all my shows and shit.

Hell yeah.

Sarah Talamash.

And then I have a special on YouTube, Butthole Money.

And then just follow me on any social media platform, Stalamash.

Hell yeah.

Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my days.

Big J.

Okerson's Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.

If you get it, you get it.

I'm coming, well, it doesn't matter this weekend, right?

We're all.

Let's say two, three weeks at least.

Yeah, I'm coming to all kinds of places at a city near you.

Look for it on my website or punchup.live slash BigJOkerson or BigJComedy.com.

Of course, listen to the flagship show right over here on Gas Digital, the Legion of Motherfucking Skanks, and

The Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And also on my YouTube,

Big Jay Oakerson.

On my YouTube page, I'm doing lives now once a week or so.

So come hang out and watch me watch YouTube.

It's been fun.

Sick.

Double vinyl for Crowdwork specials coming out, too.

Very cool.

That's all.

Big J.

Come see me on the road, guys.

In October, I got

Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, Chandler, Arizona, and more.

Go to my website, LewisWiskanks.com.

Sign up for my mailing list.

Get a bonus podcast that I do there just for subscribers.

Make sure you check out all the other pods that I do, the Regs and Legion of Skanks, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

And if you want to see Story Wars live on the road, Austin, we're coming October 30th.

Two shows, the main room at the Comedy Mothership.

I think they're both sold out.

There might be tickets for the late ones still, but if you're going to get them, get them right now.

November 11th, we are here back in New York City at the Gramercy Theater for the New York Comedy Festival.

Giant theater show.

It's going to be lots of surprises.

The lineup is fucking crazy.

Get those tickets.

It will sell out.

And we're doing two, yeah.

Thanksgiving weekend on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, Philadelphia.

We're coming back, Illadelph.

Two shows, one night.

Lots of great Philly comics.

Naeem will probably be hanging out as well.

You know, rumor has it that Shane Gillis will be in town, so we'll see if we can get him to come out.

And yeah, just make sure you guys get tickets for all those things.

If not, everybody Shane knows will be there, though.

Yeah, that'll be pretty sick.

Yeah,

we're going to try to make him come.

But yeah, we have that.

And make sure you subscribe to Gast Digital.

If you guys love this show, we have like 40 episodes that aren't available anywhere else except for Gast Digital subscribers.

So go to GastDigital.com.

You get the uncensored ad-free version.

Plus, we have pre-release on all of our episodes and thousands and thousands of hours of content, including Legion of Skanks, Old School, Real Est Podcasts, SDR Show, and more.

Gastdigital.com, use that promo code WAR to save a couple bucks a month.

Download the iPhone app, Android app, all that stuff.

And you know what, guys?

Make sure if you guys want to bush your testosterone naturally, Body Brain coffee.

Bush your testosterone naturally with coffee.

We have samples with the best coffee.

Naeem loves it.

It's the best coffee in the world, Body Brain.

I appreciate that, man.

You actually, you got to figure out, you should call it something different than coffee.

It's just a whole different experience.

It's a wildly different experience than just coffee.

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All right.

Well, that was our half point.

It is the half point of the show.

And for the second half of the game, it does change a little bit.

Yes, we decided to make things move a little quicker and get a little more exciting for the audience.

For the second half of the show, we go double points.

It's truly anybody's game in the second half.

It's a very simple concept.

Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point.

If you guessed the correct story, you got two points.

That now goes to double points.

I have a question.

So let's just say I just blind guess.

Let's just say right now I write down fucking Big J and that can I get quadruple points?

No, no, no, that would still count for double points.

Okay.

Are you suggesting that we double the double points?

It was a good idea, though, I think, but we should definitely do double points!

Fuck!

Why can't I do it?

No, Jeff, you must be a story warrior.

You must have won a game.

Like,

Sarah can do it anytime she wants.

Double points!

It feels nice.

Right.

It feels good.

You're the third person who

we've had to watch make that crucial mistake.

And I'll tell you,

as most people on this show are our friends, when you see it happening, you're like, I wish I could stop them, but it's a lesson they have to learn.

You know what I mean?

That felt more humiliating than a lot of things in my entire life.

That was truly humbling.

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show.

Body Brain Coffee is a coffee brand that I conceptualized about a year ago now.

I was looking at the numbers now.

It's been about a year since we started coming up with the actual concept.

And it's been incredible so far.

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it's not just for dudes, but we really always talk to the dudes here because it has Tongat Ali, which actually elevates your testosterone levels naturally.

And that's great for women too.

If you're a woman, you could have a little testosterone as well.

But it's got lion's mane for brain function and memory.

It's got ashwagandha, which will make you, it'll stabilize your mood, and L-theanine, which smooths out the caffeine experience.

If you guys are sensitive to caffeine, L-theanine makes it a way smoother, less jittery experience.

You know, whether you want to drink it hot, cold, in a protein shake, which I literally did during the show today,

just go to bodybraincoffee.com.

Use the promo code WAR25, W-A-R-25.

You're going to get 25% off your order today.

Plus, we're actually giving you an additional $5 off right now if you order directly from the website because I don't like the bags that they sent us.

They sent us the wrong bags.

Wait, Louis.

Yes, sir.

Put the crystals directly into the protein shake?

Yeah.

In lieu of water.

In lieu of water.

And just mix it in.

Yes, sir.

Does it mix in smoothly?

It doesn't like it.

You just shake it.

I don't even use a shaker.

It doesn't get like no chunkiness at all?

Nope.

I use a vanilla protein shake.

I mix it right in so it turns it into a coffee protein shake and you get the benefits of all the adaptogens and nootropics.

Thanks.

Yeah, very, very cool.

If you guys want to give it a shot, go to bodybraincoffee.com.

Use that promo code WAR25 for 25% off.

And right now, for the month of October, it's an additional $5 off for anybody, even if you don't use a promo code, because I don't like the outer bags that they sent us.

So if you get it from bodybraincoffee.com, you'll get a little bit of an extra discount.

All right, where were we?

Alex, story number five.

Story number five.

One time I was convinced that my tires were frozen solid, but in reality, the roads were just covered in black ice that I couldn't see.

Let me say something.

Lewis.

Lewis is a pretty new driver, and he is

dumb as shit.

I mean, he doesn't know anything about anything.

And this would be, this is a very Lewis shit.

This is dumb as shit.

Yo, this is fucking...

This is borderline retarded.

Right.

Whoever this is.

Lewis had a car.

You know, I think this is a pretty honest mistake that a lot of people can make, to be honest with you.

I mean, Lewis, this screams you.

We know it's not Sarah because she doesn't say hooves were frozen solid.

Right.

I'll tell you why I know it's not.

She's the only other person I could be.

And I was like, oh, this is such a girl situation to have.

And then I was like, oh,

who handles their car situations like a girl?

This is a very retarded thing.

It does sound like a girl thing.

This is the dumbest shit ever.

Hey, hey, no offense, whoever this is, I don't know who it is yet, but out of you, all you people up here right now, sorry.

But this this is fucking stupid as

right whoever this is

whoever this is is the stupidest fucking person on this panel

yes yes by a lot

i think that this is fucking big j playing the game right now

i would not i wouldn't sit here and let everybody call me stupid that ain't how i play it

yeah but you're leading the stupid charge yeah whoever this is is dumb as a fuck you need you guys need to stop saying that i gotta be honest with you

because whoever it is you know maybe they were you you know, a little bit stoned that morning.

You know what?

Whoever this is, whoever this is, adults shouldn't be allowed to fuck them.

It's almost pedophilia.

This person is an idiot.

You're taking advantage of a slow brain.

Yes.

You should not be sex with whoever does this.

You're taking advantage of a person with a slow brain.

It's not okay.

It's not okay.

It's not good.

Yo, you can't do that.

I've had a lot of driving stories today, which is interesting.

Good deflection.

I want to know who it is because I want the double points.

Yeah.

I saw that one.

That was very stinky.

Uh-uh.

Jeff is so good-looking that he has probably coasted through life as well.

He could just be really stupid, and we don't know it.

Jeff is so good-looking.

Jeff's like a total himbo, yeah, right?

Like a real himbo.

Oh, you're right.

He's like, I don't know.

They're so hard, the tires.

And then like a fucking brutish woman comes over and goes, oh, I got a jack on the back.

God.

Do you have a jacket you can put over my shoulders?

Well, hold on.

Did you grow up in Seattle?

I would accuse the ice of being black, too.

That is true.

That is.

You don't want to know what Naeem called the ice.

He was just better for school for her.

Jet, is there a lot of ice in Seattle?

Do they get icy?

I feel like it doesn't.

Yeah, they get ice up there.

It's like wet.

We get ice everywhere, I think.

Especially in California and Texas.

We get ice everywhere

on our great nation.

They're getting the Mexicans.

Gotcha.

Come on, folks.

Go, birds.

Fuck ice, Free Palestine.

Hell yeah.

R.I.P.

Charlotte.

I think that girl from that thing said it perfectly.

I mean, guys, this is ridiculous.

It's not me.

Emerson writing Lewis down.

It feels like you.

Lewis.

I put a Puerto Rican flag on mine.

It's not a Puerto Rican flag.

Oh, shit.

What is it?

Sure, it is.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

It's close enough.

Yeah, we knew what it is.

God damn it.

It's definitely you.

It's definitely not me.

And we're giving Big Jay all the fucking points right now, you idiots.

Nope.

Nice try.

No way.

Jay, just finished drawing it, asshole.

Well, he drew the Puerto Rican flag right, so I drew a barbecue in a public park.

Okay.

Oh, that's the flag.

That's what it says on their license plates.

He got away.

Alex, break everyone's heart.

Story number five belongs to

Lewis Jay.

Just so you guys know, I don't want to win today.

I don't even care.

All right.

How about that?

Yeah, this happened

pretty recently.

This was way too recently.

I was with my son in the car driving him to school.

And this is right when I moved to the suburbs, and I still had to drive him into New York City.

And I got out, and it was just frozen solid.

The roads were frozen solid, but you couldn't see it.

It was just fucking, it was black ice.

So I get it.

We pull out of the driveway and we just start sliding.

And I'm like, oh, shit, James.

My son at the time is like seven.

I was like, oh, James, I think the tires are frozen.

And then he goes, he's seven.

He goes, Dad, he's like, I think it might be ice on the roads.

And now he tells that story to every adult he meets.

And he's like, and he goes, I'll tell you the moment that I realized that I was smarter than my dad.

That's how he prefaces the story.

It's a big day in a kid's life.

I am an idiot.

Oh, I got no points there.

Alex, where are points at?

All right.

Drop down to last place with four points.

Louis J.

Gomez.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah, right.

No, you got it.

In fourth place with six points, Jeff Dye.

In third place with seven points, Naeem Ali.

In second place with 10 points, Sarah Tolomas.

And in the lead with 12 points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Wow.

Big Jay has been in the lead the entire game right now.

Truly anybody's game, though.

Sarah Tolomas, former Story Warrior, coming up right in his ass.

Right.

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All right, where were we?

You're up my ass.

I'm going to be

right in there.

Story number six.

Story number six.

I had just gotten new walkie talkies for my birthday, and my friend convinced me that we should try them underwater.

And I did.

They broke immediately.

Now, this is the dumbest person on the panel, in my opinion.

What a dumbass idiot.

What a type of fucking fool.

Yeah, back-to-back Lewis story.

It seems unfair.

It is possible.

It is possible, by the way.

It's all randomly generated.

It's been three in a row before.

Yep.

It's been pretty crazy.

Walkie talkies for my birthday.

All right.

So

that's not a little black kid's gift.

You know, I ain't never had no goddamn walkie talking.

First of all,

it wasn't on your birthday, it was a couple weeks after when they got money for it.

But yeah,

black kids get sneakers, plus, they can't swim.

They're not going out underwater, it's funny.

What are we doing here?

And also, just how you also know it's not me, I was raised Muslim,

never celebrated my birthday or Christmas or none of that shit.

Or water.

Or water.

Or Pride Week or vanity.

Women's rights.

I don't got none of that shit.

shit.

Yeah, if it would have said,

if it would have said

I got a clit circumcision kit for my birthday, I'm like,

that does sound

Muslim.

Walkie talkies?

Girls don't get walkie-talkies either.

No.

Sure, they do.

Do they?

Yeah.

Bruh is Jeff, brother is Jeff.

No, but I think this has got the button on it like after her last one.

Like she had, the last time it was her story, it had like a little sense at the end was like, you know, and this kind of has like a little like

immediately

a little writer's button on it.

Nice.

And Sarah's a great writer, that's true.

Very observable.

Yeah, they broke immediately.

Like it was.

But I also don't know what girl wants walkie talkies for a birthday.

Girls like walkie-talkies.

Who gives me a bunch of girls that are born in Africa?

Yeah, true.

Oh, that's right, child soldiers.

Yeah, that's very African, bro.

It's like one time

I got a Michael Jordan jersey and

that's what they call phones there.

That is.

You're carrying a fucking machine gun, wearing a t-shirt,

a championship t-shirt for the team who lost the Super Bowl.

I got an AK-47 and a Matric Johnson t-shirt.

I think, I mean, this could be Big Jay.

Big J, you were like a little chubby kid.

Little chubby kids love walkie-talkies.

And I love water.

It's the only time we're weightless.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

I can see this being Big J immediately.

This pool is a fat man's roller coaster.

No one could tell you you have to.

Jay has a pool.

He likes water.

He likes to swim.

I love walkie talkies.

Loves walkie talkies.

Roger.

Roger Roger.

Jeff is getting nervous.

That's why he did an early vote.

He hasn't said anything.

I've admitted to crimes.

Did I seem nervous?

Yo, I told you,

every time it's Jeff,

the whole time Alex Reed, he like,

he making noises and shit.

It's Jeff again.

Done that for all of them.

He likes making noises when it's him.

Yeah, Jeff, Jeff.

Every little boy wants walkie-talkies for their birthday.

And only some white people had a pool.

Right.

Again,

very racist.

He was white trash.

He didn't have a pool.

He did say that before.

Yeah.

That's

shit.

Well, you could have a bunch of pools.

We know it's you, bro.

My name is Jeff.

That's you, bruh.

My name is Jeff.

Could be a lake.

That's you, bruh.

Alex.

This story belongs to

Sarah told me

I should have went on my instincts.

What?

Sarah, I had no idea that you were a lesbian.

This is crazy.

I am, I am.

But girls like to talk, so we gotta get walkie-talkie.

I know.

It was a woman's story.

She didn't understand how electricity works.

She went in the water with it.

We're idiots.

Damn it.

It was right there waiting for us.

You think they were underwater?

No.

Everybody said me.

Yeah.

It's honestly because it seems like a nice good kid story.

You seem like when you were younger, you were a good kid.

Something happened along the way.

Someone took advantage of some boys.

You said you were in the woods.

But let's hear this story.

Sarah, yeah, what happened here?

Who was this friend?

What happened?

Oh, it was the kid across the street.

Kind of my friend of me.

I still don't know if he knew that he was setting me up to have my present eat it in the water.

Wow.

But we were sitting in the pool, like on the edge of the pool, and he's like, We should try these in the water.

And then I was like, Okay.

Oh, he suggested it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,

he definitely knew.

Yeah, that was on purpose.

He wanted you to break your throat.

He wanted to see if you would be shocked to death.

I wonder if these walkie-talkies work in the freeway.

You think he's working the only locks on the outside, walk-in-free?

That was was Sarafita that started that applause break.

She wants to suck Jeff's cock.

Did you see that?

We all do.

Hey, let the lady be, you know?

Chivalry is not dead.

Alex, six stories down.

Where are our points at?

Sarah just fucking cleaned up.

All right, in last place with four points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Take some coffee.

In fourth place with six points, Jeff Dye.

In third place with seven points, Naeem Ali.

In second place with 12 points, Big Jay Okerson.

And in the lead with 18 points, Sarah Tolamosh.

Wow, Sarah Tolamosh

proving that she is truly a story warrior.

It's not random, it's not luck.

This is the way you play the game.

Sarah wants this pedophile book.

Give it to me.

I must learn the ways.

Six stories down, two more to go.

You guys having a good time tonight?

Come on, folks.

What a night.

What a show.

Story number seven.

Story number seven.

I was trying to impress some family members at a carnival.

Instead, I got misgendered by a group of girls and cried on a row.

I mean, is this a big J origin story?

Putting it me.

Are you misgendering me now?

Yeah.

You started dressing like a lady because of this

oh it's just me now that's crazy sure wow you were nail polish nah

this this sarah this sarah again ain't nobody else is i don't see how anybody else can get misgender girls can get misgender if they just shave their hair off so maybe you had a low cut maybe you had a maybe you had a seizure with a fade on the side no you don't understand maybe you was outside wearing chains and allen iverson jerseys yeah jay was headbands jay was a fat kid little fat kids you were were a fat kid.

I was, but I was very obviously a boy.

You were a fat little girly boy.

With titties and fucking.

Damn it, my friend.

You probably had cotton candy in your face because you were eating it.

They couldn't see anything but the top of your head.

Damn.

Also, you have carnival vibes.

Yo, you do, guys.

Damn.

I do.

Yo, that's good.

I do love a carnival.

Oh, yeah.

This show is,

it's a fun game show, but it's actually just the meanest show on the planet.

I like it.

But he's also sweet, so I could see him going, oh.

I love a Roundup.

Gravitron.

Gravitron and Skank Fest this year, boys.

No, hell yeah.

No, Gravatron.

The inside one.

Yeah, the inside one.

Not the one that goes.

It's not the Roundup.

All right.

I know you're bummed about it because

someone knows a lot about a Carnival.

Right.

Oh,

you got Carnival on the Brain.

Because you're having it a Skank Fest.

You got Carnival on the Brain.

We're having it a skank fest.

Yeah, Jay's trying to deflect this to me.

Jay, we all know that you got called a little girl.

Yeah, I think it's you, Jay.

You're being aggressive, Lewis, but you think it's you, dude.

You're throwing it hard at me.

You're not even, you don't even believe what you're saying right now.

Look at him.

Yeah, look at him.

He's doing half effort right now.

Everyone thought you guys were girls.

Jay is a girl.

He's feeling the wind slip from his grasp right now.

So he's bummed out.

Everybody thought you guys were here.

Leave this chick alone, dude.

Hey, yo.

Vote for me, idiots.

I mean, I'll get the voting going.

I feel like this is definitely.

Yeah, yo, this is Jay, yo.

Oh, this is so funny.

Damn, bro.

He had to share this embarrassing moment thinking that he was going to get points.

There's no upside to this.

Yeah.

Also, she laughed when she was reading it, so I know it's not her.

Who are you talking about, Jay?

No, different girls.

The other girl.

The biological woman laughed at this.

Yo, damn, Jay.

That's fucked up, bruh.

Dude, having a black guy that you're making fun of somebody makes it so much more fun.

That's crazy.

They was calling you a girl, damn.

Somebody probably thought about fucking you, bruh.

That's crazy.

That's so crazy.

Damn.

Don't cry.

Damn.

Sarah, okay, Jay.

You're all going to feel like idiots in a second.

Shit.

Alex, all of her answers are right now.

Wow, everyone.

This story belongs to Big Jay.

Yes.

Hey, yeah.

I also,

I want to know why it started without trying to impress some family members.

It was a St.

Claus's Carnival in West Philadelphia.

And I would go, when my dad would show up on some weekends to pick me up, I had stepbrothers where he lived.

And one time they were driving me home, and this carnival was happening.

So I was like, you know, I wanted to, whoever's idea it was, we all went to the carnival.

I brought my stepbrothers who were older than me, and I thought very cool.

So I was going to, in my mind, I was showing them around, like, you know, the people that I might know and school friends and shit.

And then at one point, these girls were like, I was waiting in line for a ride called the Tempest, which is a lot of spinning and whatever.

Girl ride.

No, Jeff.

This is scary.

I was waiting in line at the Tampon vending machine

and

I was waiting.

I was waiting in line

to get up with my stepbrothers and they're behind me.

And then I just look over, I just see like a group of like girls my age and they're like giggling and looking over at me and like looking over and I was like, and it looked like

they were, in my mind, they were doing like,

oh, you go talk to him, you go talk.

And they were doing that.

But they found the volunteer to go, and she came over to me and she goes, hey, and at this point, I'm like, oh, my God, this girl's going to try to hit on me.

I mean, I was a kid, so I don't remember.

I wasn't thinking fucking, but I was a, you know, I was a little kid, but I was still, I was like, this girl's going to come to chat me up.

Jay straightened his bra.

In front of my stepbrothers.

Oh, my God.

Everything.

I took my jellies off.

So,

and then the girl comes over and she goes, hey, and I'm just thinking for like, you know, can I get your number?

I think it's going to be something great, which, by the way, would be out of the ordinary.

I'm like, the gods have shined on me in front of my cool stepbrothers.

They're going to think I'm the coolest.

And this girl goes, excuse me.

And I go, yeah.

She goes, are you a boy or a girl?

And I went,

what?

Boy.

And then I was, and then we were next.

And then

I think you have to kill those people, I think.

And then I got on the ride and I was terrified of rides.

Again, I was just trying to impress my stepbrothers, so I got on it.

And every time, it was one of those, I was the kid that every time you pass the guy, I'd be like, please stop this.

I think something's going wrong.

I'm in danger.

I'm a boy.

Despite your instincts, I'm a boy.

I swear to God, I'm a boy.

God damn, brother.

No points for that.

No points for that at all.

Great story.

No points.

Jesus, Alex.

I think Sarah's pulling very far ahead right now.

I don't know if anybody can catch up with her, but either way, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with eight points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Okay.

I did get points.

You're right.

In fourth place with 10 points, Jeff Dye.

In third place with 11 points, Naeem Ali.

Oh, get the fuck out of here.

Oh, you're robbed.

Yeah,

I feel so robbed right now.

In second place with 12 points, Big Jay Okerson.

And with a crazy lead

with 22 points.

Jesus Christ.

Sarah Tolomash.

Sarah Tolomas.

So, I mean, at this point, as you guys all know, it's impossible for anybody to catch up with Sarah.

So, we'll congratulate you right now.

We do have one more round to play, obviously, but congratulations, Sarah.

Two-time.

Two-time.

By the way, the first

ever,

besides the host of the show, the first ever person to be a story warrior more than one time, Sarah Tolamash.

Wow.

Sarah Tolamash, you just earned yourself an invite to the tournament of champions at Skank Fest.

guaranteed

the most winningest story warrior the most points in the history of story wars this is crazy can i use this as a credit yes i can use it as a credit story warriors i think it works here the stand and this club in connecticut

can i at least borrow the book yes yes yeah if you use it as a credit you have to say that you won conversations with a pedophile

to say that you're the the winner and the champion of not only did you win it you get to drink in all the info where Dr.

Zabin writes not only as a therapist, but also as someone who survived abuse herself.

She explains the long-term damage and the sorrow, slowly and sexily, that predators leave behind, while insisting that silence and denial only make children more vulnerable.

This book's message is blunt.

By facing the darkness directly, we have a chance to protect the next generation.

Conversations with a pedophile.

in the interest of our children by Dr.

Amy Zabin

just for the shits and giggles just for the fun just for the show Alex let's do story number eight

story number eight

my grandmother once threw the family cat against a wall by its tail

because it was in the crib with me as a baby She believed that a cat would, quote, take a baby's breath away.

yo.

Isn't that the plot to Stephen King's cat's eye?

Cat's eye, yes, indeed it was.

Keep this here for the minute.

This is,

I'm trying to think.

Black grandmothers really believe in a lot of evil things that rhyme shit like

spooky stuff.

Okay, now that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

You can't say black mothers and spooky stuff in the same sentence.

No, you can't, as long as you say E stuff.

I got it.

But wouldn't it be like auntie or something?

Do they say grandmother?

That's true.

Auntie.

Oh, Alex may have Alex may have cleaned that up because it may have been a very obvious thing.

We say my mom.

We say grandma.

Yeah, I'm a mama.

We don't say grandmother.

Grandmother.

Right, that's but in a story I might put grandmother.

I wouldn't put my mom.

That's a giveaway for me.

That's not me, but that's not.

You know how it's not me?

Because, nigga, I ain't never had no grandma.

My grandma was dead when I was like four, nigga.

Can I ask?

My grandma Ben was dead.

But you'd have been a baby.

I've been a grown man.

My Ben was a grown man.

He was four, but she was 16.

Can I make an observation, though?

Please.

I've never felt like black families were cat families.

No, but

my mom used to say that cats take your breath away.

My mom did you just say that's why.

He just said that.

That's why we have all these pit bulls.

My mom didn't say that.

He just said grandma.

I think that was a slip.

No, no, it wasn't.

No, my mom's just old.

That's why my grandma was dead so early my mom was 40 when i was born so my grandma was dead early why do i here can i tell you the only thing i i'm i'm i maybe i'm misremembering i i kind of remember you telling me that your grandmother your grandmother told you about your father being arrested for murder or having to leave the state for murder when he was a kid no my uncle told me that you think i met you think i met my dad mom that was 80 that nigga was 86 when he died i never i never met his i never met his mom his mom was dead before i was born Wow, I never met that lady.

Did she ever get a moment?

I never had no grandmom, I'm telling y'all.

I'm not a grandmom type of nigga.

You feel me?

That ain't your thing, bro.

I believe him because I want to believe him.

I ain't that type of nigga, bro.

I never had that type of guidance.

You feel what I'm saying?

Right.

I'm a fucking grandmom.

Fuck no.

It's some of y'all in the crowd right now.

You're gonna be like, I'm gonna see my grandma on Sunday.

Nigga, grow up.

You a grown-ass man.

How you got a grandma?

Grow the fuck up.

You grown as fuck.

I believe this could be something also that happened in South Africa.

South Wakanda.

Yeah.

South Wakanda, wherever it's going to be.

South Wakanda.

Our sneaky.

The white neighborhood of Wakanda.

South Wakanda.

You know what?

I do think it's Sarah.

The south side of Wakanda is the white part, ironically.

Take your breath away.

That'd be three stories for Sarah, which does happen rarely, but it could happen.

She's also got nothing to lose.

That's why she was like, oh, hey, cats.

She didn't give a fuck.

She goes, yeah, it's me.

What are you going to do about it?

Yeah, you know what?

It is me.

All right, I'm going to put my vote in.

I mean,

I think,

damn it.

You know what?

Naeem knows how to lie.

I'm just thinking as Naeem.

I don't believe that Naeem did have a crib when he was a baby, but I think he's just no man to work.

Jeff, where'd you grow up?

Oh, you grew up in a small town kind of.

Yeah, this could be some fucking woodsy stuff.

I thought.

No, if if it was me, it would have said on a water bed, not a crib.

Fuck.

Take your breath away, bro.

You know what?

It's Jeff, bro.

Nope.

Jeff votes for Sarah.

Sarah votes for Sarah.

Sarah, if it's you, I'm going to fucking kill myself.

I swear to God.

I'm going to walk outside and kill myself.

That's going to be my.

And that's going to be my story I tell next month.

I put Naeem.

All of our answers are in Jeff's story.

Alex.

Whose story was that?

The final story belongs to

Jeff Dye.

Yes.

Hell yeah.

Let's go.

Hell yeah, bro.

Hell yeah.

I knew you had a little bit of ghetto when you were.

Oh, for sure.

I knew it.

When I was trying to think of stories today, I'm like, I can't think of anything.

And like, eight came when I thought about my crazy grandma.

Really?

Oh, dude, she's so.

I should probably save some of them just so the next time I do this, I could also.

She was just crazy.

Like, like one time stabbed my dad's hand as he was reaching for like dinner because he didn't say grace.

But that big thing went right through his hand.

Your grandmother was machete?

Yeah, dude.

She was nuts.

Yeah, I guess I was a baby, so this is just a story my family always told us: is like that she literally grabbed the cat by the tail and like slammed against the wall.

Cat was not okay.

And

then she just kept defending herself, like, it takes a baby's breath away.

And we were like, this lady's a clean.

Stephen King.

Dr.

Stephen King said it.

Well, let's get our final, our final scores, Alex, just to make it official.

All right,

in very last place with eight points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen

in fourth place with 14 points, Jeff Dye.

All right, well, it's my first time.

Good score.

Great showing.

In third place with 15 points, Naeem Ali.

In second place with 16 points, Big Jay Okerson.

And your official winner tonight with 22 points.

The winning is best in Story Wars history, Sarah Tolomas

first two time

first two time story warrior Sarah Tolomas what a what a show congratulations thank you all for being here have a big round of applause for our entire panel Jeff Dye

Check out Last Cowboy in LA on YouTube.

Naeem Ali, True Death Podcast right here on Gas Digital.

Sarah Tolomash, Special Butthole Money on YouTube.

And more importantly, our first ever two-time story warrior.

Thank you all so much for being here.

Thank you guys so much.

We're here every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club in Gramercy.

We'll check you next time.

Peace.