C02 - Ep. 46 - Finale in Faunaloch - Tempoor Unfortunate Souls

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Good afternoon, all you agatras.

Animate into the stinky dragon and bibe our newest brew.

Sight until the bitter end.

It's a mixture of ancestral almond milk, burial butter,

bound brown sugar, vanilla spirit extract, and a cloth full of scabber cinnamon.

One gulp of this dazing guzzler will take you from entombed to exhumed in no time.

Give or take, ten years.

Previously, our adventurers vamoosed out of the violently vibrating vampire.

While inside the tumbling tower, the party revived their rogue, recovered the countess, mended Eddie, saved Benicia's bacon, extracted quickly, heisted some hemo pieces, and freed the Farney family.

Lastly, they leaped aboard the Groteth Express with an enigmatic elf.

Bring over a brew and let's buckle up for this bedtime tale.

Hello everyone, I'm Gristo Serroll, the Digimaster of our disgusting putrid party.

I'm gonna hit our four players with an arrow.

Do it.

Grab it and break it in half.

This week's role-playing warm-up question is, which of the following is most important to your character?

Health, wealth, or happiness?

I'll go first.

Go for it.

Hey there, it's Chip Peney, voiced by this

guy, Blaine Gibson.

I am a level nine tiefling rogue, volunteer, fighter, fighter, ex-assassin, and widower.

And I say that the most important thing is health, because you can't have wealth or the other thing that I forgot.

Happiness.

Happiness without it.

You got to be mentally strong.

You got to be physically strong.

Because how are you going to make your

bank?

Take two.

Ready?

And?

How are you going to make your bank if you can't

take three?

How are you going to get your money if you can't?

Cut it, honey.

Honey,

please go to someone else.

I think it's actually very apt that Chip would say health because it's actually a statistical fact that widowers

survive shorter than widows.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's really sad.

Wow.

What an inadvertent dig at Chip.

Like in many ways.

You're going to die sooner.

And you're.

Don't worry, Chip.

You won't be alone that long.

That's the worst statistic I think I can hear today.

Hi.

I'm Chris Damaris, and I play Barney Fernie, the level nine human cleric.

And

health, wealth, or happiness,

it's happiness because,

well, I don't care much for money.

The only thing I'd use money for is to make the people

I care about happy.

Wow.

And then health, well, I think it's okay.

Just someone cannot be healthy

as long as

they're happy.

Then that's okay.

That's beautiful.

So you're fine being poor and sick as long as you have a smile on your face.

Sounds like it.

Yeah.

As long as I'm happy with the people that make me happy.

Okay.

I'll go next.

Me, Barbara Dunkelman, the voice of Elga von Breath, the female, half-elf, vampire, barbarian, level nine.

That sounded like it was all cut together.

Maybe it was.

Maybe you guys are using snippets of my voice to make this speech pattern.

Maybe I'm not here.

Barbara couldn't be here today, so we asked Chad GPT to play us her.

Just a soundboard that has barbed thing just saying like, bet.

Bet.

I just speak randomly during the episode.

And you know, Elga thinks all these things are very important.

Some might think that she would value wealth based on where she was living.

Because she's a Nepo baby.

No.

But ultimately, I think Elga agrees with Barney that happiness is the most important.

Ah, father-daughter.

Because no matter what else you have,

happiness is just all you need because you could be in any situation, but as long as you have a smile on your face, it's okay.

Okay.

I feel like this whole discovery and like going to Elga's home, it's like being a little kid and you go to your friend's house for the first time.

You're like, oh, wow.

My friend's rich.

I had no idea.

I'm I'm imagining the movie Richie Rich, where they all come over and it's like he's got a water slide and McDonald's in his house and like all this stuff.

That's Elga.

I had a few friends like that growing up.

I was like, whoa, your pool is a saltwater pool that has like a beach kind of gradiation into it and a rock feature, a waterfall alcove with LED lighting.

We got a Nintendo at home.

It's, but

N64 is out already.

I had a friend who they had snack imaginable, every dessert.

It was like a grocery store.

And so I, you know, as a little kid, this was amazing.

So I would like, like, my friend, I would take stuff home.

No, my friend would be like, yo, you can have some.

And then I'd take some home with me.

Chris has been filling his bags with candy and chocolate ever since.

Is this where your hoarding begins?

No, no, but then I also

sooner.

My little brother, I was like, I was like, what do you want?

I'll get you, you know, and so I was like, getting, going back with all these snacks.

And my mom found out and she was mortified.

I bet.

She was like, yeah, I would be too if I was, if I was the parent.

I was like, You cannot be taking like, I was like, but they have the best.

All you're trying to do as a parent is not like, not all you're trying to do, but what you're trying to do, one of the things you're trying to do as a parent is like your kids not to completely embarrass you in front of other parents because you know that you're a bad parent because every parent thinks that.

And then you just need your kids not to confirm it.

Also, I just want to point out the irony of Elga saying happiness is most important when she's a barbarian and is full of rage.

Well, maybe that's what makes Elga happy.

That's true.

Killing.

It's a juxtaposition.

Yeah.

Murder.

Yeah.

Bonjour.

My name is John Reisinger, and I play Mate Confisius, who's an Eric Cochrane ghost monk.

And I pick option for chocolate.

Chocolate.

Which also is happiness, by the way.

Yes, it is.

Chocolate.

But honestly, if I were to answer the question, like,

I'll take the money.

I can figure out the rest elsewhere.

But if you want to give me the money right now, I'll take it.

Is it a...

This makes sense based on how Mate responded to the chest of humo pieces on the floor in the last episode.

I I am a small business owner, and it is an aggressive economy out there right now.

And Atro City is just not working out as well as I want to right now.

And so I'm hoping to franchise very soon.

So a nice little loan would work out, Mr.

Arrow.

That's his name?

Mr.

Arrow.

I don't know.

Whoever this gentleman that's in this booth is me that's asking this question.

Mr.

Arrow.

Micah says that it's actually the economy in Grotesque.

That's not bad.

Get out.

Yeah, it's very apparent.

There's not enough rogues in this party if only one person said said money or wealth.

Is that a dig at me?

I'm just saying.

Not enough.

Listen, you can't.

You literally can't have the other things if you don't have health.

I'll fight this to the grave.

To the death.

To the death.

That's true.

Health is very important.

Health is very important.

Go take care of yourself.

Go for a walk if you're listening at home.

And maybe you'll find some hemo pieces out on the ground as you're walking around, as our friend Mate did.

As everyone catches their breath, the countess opens the train car door and urges all of you inside with a nod of her head.

The countess closes the door and you find yourselves in a train car stacked with luggage and box supplies.

She sets down on a nearby crate.

As I was trying to explain earlier, I'm not really a Countess.

I'm an agent of a covert organization called Sheath.

We are protectors of a great secret that must be guarded at all costs.

That's why we're headed to Fonalok.

My name is not Von Brath, it's Tempur.

Sadate Timpur.

Sadate Tempur.

Have we heard that name before?

This has been eating me up.

Make a wisdom check.

Okay.

Bing bomb bing bomb.

Well, like, if you think about, like, the Latin, like, what is it?

Sedate, tempers, time, so, like, sleepy time.

I don't know.

Uh, 16 on that wisdom check.

You can't recall ever having heard this name before.

Okay.

It's a mystery.

Elga, you know her as mom.

Aw.

Do I?

Yes, you do.

Well, she left a long time ago.

After an exhausting, traumatizing day, you all decide to rest for the night in the sleeper car.

Oh, we'll take it.

So everyone can take a long rest.

Yay!

This is our first one in what feels like...

I don't think we did a long rest in

Vane yet.

You're just always running.

Do I recover my exhaustion level?

Yes, after a long rest, you do.

Okay.

And you all decide to rendezvous in the morning in the dining car for a little brekkie.

Brekky.

For our Australian listeners.

I could use a second breakfast right now.

Are we in a place where we can openly talk about private matters?

Well, I would say that you walk into the dining car Chip, and you see your compatriots sitting down.

If the first of all, this is completely inaccurate, impossible.

Chip would be the first one there waiting 20 minutes before everyone else would get there.

Okay, in that case, Chip.

You're sitting alone in the dining car.

The only other person in the dining car is a brawny, disgruntled orc train conductor with ferocious eyebrows wearing a blue vest with a name tag.

I know that guy.

You recognize him as just.

He's slowly cleaning up, wiping the counters down, giving you a glance every now and then.

then.

I just want to point out, this is hilarious, that Blaine had the opportunity for us all to be there, but now he's alone in a train car with the conductor and he doesn't have a ticket.

Dis knows me.

I'd be fourth fright with this.

Dis, I don't have a ticket, but I'm happy to help.

You seem to be cleaning up, and as a train conductor, you have bigger matters to go to.

So let me hear you.

Shoo, shoo.

It's fine.

It's my last day on the job anyway.

What?

what

i can't where are you going oh i'm finally realizing my dream gonna become a professor at loftin college in atrocity oh yep gonna be teaching transmutation is that like uh like uh subversion of transportation because you know you're so good at that with the trains

As Disf kind of sighs, letting out a gust of air, your compatriots walk in.

It must be opening time for the dining car because the rest of your party walks in.

I walk in and I address Chip Chip and I go, Finally, you're here.

I was here earlier and you ran here, so I left for a bit.

As you're waiting there, Zuzu Top also walks in.

Oh, we've been traveling across Groteth to get away from the riots in Atro City, along with my cousin Lizzy.

She's still asleep though.

Wait, riots because why?

Oh, those ordies think the Abralions are behind the Wolfman's murder.

Oh, and so they're rioting because there's not a lot of Abrillions in Atro City, are there?

No, not a ton.

So they're just rioting by themselves?

They are rioting in Area 15, trying to get us out of there.

Oh, just blame us.

That's what I tried to do.

Tell you what.

Why don't we all have a round of soda pop in honor of the Wolfman?

It's the morning.

What are you doing?

That's the perfect time for Soda Pop.

When do you drink yours?

I don't.

I

uh.

Monsieur, Diff, un cafes you would play.

I'll take Mate's.

Disp starts making one café for Mateed.

And Zuzu starts popping open some bottles of soda pop.

Two for Barney, apparently.

Nice.

Elga or Chip, y'all want one?

Sure, I'll take one.

I'll partake, you know.

A little sugary for my, you know, I prefer health over happiness and wealth, but what the heck.

To be fair,

a fun fact, my girlfriend, one of her favorite beverages to have with a bowl of cereal is a Coke.

It actually kind of works.

We should talk to her about that.

I will refrain from commenting because I like your girlfriend.

So, Zuzu pours out four soda pops: one for Chip, one for Elga, two for Barney.

And you see it and you remember it.

I think, Barney, you may have had one before.

It's a fizzing blue, viscous liquid with squishy chunks floating inside of it.

Zuzu pours one for himself as well, raises it and says, To the wolfman, and then downs it in one big gulp.

Do the wolfman!

Elga does the thing where she like puts her finger in and like licks it.

Oh, I forgot it's not blood.

Yummy.

So we're the delicious beverage of your homeland.

Barney, do you drink both at the same time?

No, I think you drink one and then like hold out the other one in case anyone wants seconds.

Chip, do you just sip it yours or do you down the whole thing at once?

I want to check if there's anything in it.

Just just like breath.

Yeah, just like squishy chunks floating in it.

I know, but it's like poison.

Am I going to die?

You can check it.

You just saw him open it in front of you, but if you want to check it for poison, you can.

Yeah, I'll do it.

What do I do?

We'll roll.

I have

it.

How are you checking it for poison?

I'm just curious.

I don't know.

As an assassin, I think I'd recognize the sense.

I think Chip has experience with poison, so I think he would know with an Arcana check.

Arcana.

That's a 22.

You don't think it's poison, but you don't think it would be something good for you to drink.

Okay, I do that thing where I purse my lips and I don't like liquid pass.

It just kind of catches cotton in my mustache.

In that case, only Barney makes a constitution saving throw.

All right.

Oh.

10.

Barney, you'd down it.

I think Barney would actually probably like it.

It tastes like black licorice and artichoke.

Ew.

Yum.

That means you're going to poop.

Barney, you know, downs it, looks around, smiling at everybody.

And as you all are looking at him, in the middle of his forehead, a third eyeball opens up.

On Barney?

Yeah.

Barney.

What?

And at the same time, both of his ears fall off the side of his head, down onto the table.

You've never looked better, huh?

Can you still hear us, Barney, with both your ears?

What do you mean?

I can't hear you.

What are you talking about?

I don't notice the difference with Barney.

What?

I would say you still have limited hearing.

It's like you still have the ear holes in the side of your head.

You just don't have the earlobes to like funnel sound gas.

Is he looking more like an abrillion?

He looks unusual for sure.

What do you say about my hearing?

So you look

good, Barney.

And Elga does the thing where she like nods to everyone and points, like, right, everyone.

Doesn't Barney look great?

Yeah,

he looks the same.

I think y'all look great, great too and i've never seen you you look so crisp and clear

would an extra eye give him like advantage on anything it would give him disadvantage on the three stooges i poke yeah because he's got three to defend now advantage on intimidating children i think like advantage maybe advantage on 3d movies there you go 40

i think he would see more colors he'd have more colors he only sees the uh auras in the third eye though in the back of the car uh is sadate pacing back and forth by an empty booth.

Could I go up and talk to her?

Yeah, she's, like we said before, she's an eldish woman with dark features, black hair.

Right now, she's wearing a navy cloak and matching double-breasted tunic, eggplant pants, leather boots, and around her neck is a red ascot.

That must smell.

This plant's made out of eggplant.

Yeah, she sees you approaching and you know stops pacing for a moment to look at you, Elga.

Hello, Mother.

I'm in Miss Temple.

oh.

So, you said you're from Sheath.

Have you been following us at all, or do you know what we've been dealing with the last week at all?

Do you know anything?

I don't know a whole lot.

I do know of Carol's death, which is what brought me back here to Vania to try to figure things out.

Chip's gonna walk up.

I yeah, he was gonna give you guys distance because I know that he probably had some things to settle with your mom, but if we're talking about Carol, so were you guys like partners?

Did you guys like know each other back in the day?

Well, I knew of Carol and we had met before.

However, I didn't spend a lot of time with her.

Oh, you missed it.

She was recruited as a double agent to gather information about Eddie and what he was up to.

I asked so many questions.

When did I first come to Vania?

Well, that's a long story.

I was sent by Sheath to go undercover and to get close to Hugo.

I needed to find out what he knew about Sheath and what we were doing.

In order to avoid suspicion, I had to play the long game, and it took decades before he was able to trust me.

Then he asked me to marry him and become a countess.

Not long after we were married, I became pregnant with a child and nine months later, I was giving birth.

During that process, I was given an elixir which helped with the pain, but lessened my faculties.

Next thing I know, I'm being given two twin baby girls.

But something felt wrong.

Hugo was acting strange, even more so than than usual, always looking at me curiously.

And in my stupor, I must have said something to blow my cover.

He never left me alone again.

Huh.

So you gave birth to me?

No, your sister.

I think he's...

You've been figuring out what you're doing.

She was fooled.

Yeah, she was fooled.

Most likely.

So, what's Sheath's position on Dagger?

I can't say too much about Sheath.

Well, too much specifically, unless the director gives me approval.

I'm hoping that we can speak to the director by infiltrating Fonilok to reach the secret entrance of the headquarters, which is where we're going now.

So

why would someone

give you Elga?

Hugo held many secrets.

Some I was able to ascertain and get information on, and some he never fully divulged to me.

And is it true that Elga is my calliope?

When I was first given Elga, I was very out of it.

Hugo never told me anything other than that she was my daughter that I gave birth to.

And I was just a baby?

Yes, you were a small baby at the time.

Well, Elga,

if it's true,

I'm sorry.

Well, but

I mean,

I guess, dad?

I don't really.

I don't really know what to call you.

You, I'm, I'm not, I don't feel like I deserve to be your dad because I wasn't there for you.

And I know you already have a dad, and I know I don't care for him much because he is he did

do not a great stuff but I I haven't been I haven't been around so I don't think I don't know well that makes two of us who are not the big fan of my previous dad Sadate says um I'd like to join in on that too

man I really wish we had successfully drained his bank account that would have been extra

So uh I know that there's there's a lot.

Hey, from one secret assassin agent person to another, there's not a lot of stuff that you can share.

But if we're going to be helping each other out, then we need to have a little give and take.

So, have we encountered any other sheath agents other than Carol?

I don't have exact details on your adventures.

As far as I know, there were no others.

But if you find out otherwise, I'm not deceiving you.

I genuinely don't know.

Okay.

And do we...

Can you tell us who the director is?

I can't divulge that unless I have express approval.

Do we remember if we've ever seen someone else with eggplant pants?

Because you describing eggplant pants sounds familiar.

Eggplant pants.

Make me a wisdom check, Barbara.

Or Elga.

Barbara.

Elga.

I'm talking to Barbara.

We're trying to figure out Elga's memories.

16.

You don't recall seeing eggplant pants in the past, or you can't place ever having seen anything like that.

This is confusing.

So if Ugo was

juice.

That is his

that is his name if that gentleman who i will not say his name again so that gustavo does not laugh at me again

sorry mate he was up in he was in the the the the coffin of the jail uh because he had let you elga go to atro city why did he let you go to atrocity if he's such like a villainous man and he then got himself uh absconded by the authorities it seems like maybe he was playing the long game of wanting to get locked up so that everyone would be gathered in the same place, all the important people, and Eddie would free him and then they would wreak havoc.

Why did the spire fall?

Did we figure that out?

It's probably something to do with all the lakes and the rivers drying up.

And then also, going off of what Elga's assumption is, if it seemed like Dracula was kind of like hidden away because he was remorseful for his actions and his, you know, partnership with Ugo,

you know, a trial could be a way of bringing him out of hiding.

He was in his room.

He wasn't he wasn't hiding very well.

Do you know anything about me or my family or why, like, how he came to be here?

I know that Hugo was a cruel person, and he often extracted cruelty as punishment on people.

Could be your family crossed him, and this was his way of exacting revenge.

But

he also killed Dragons,

as far as I know, but that was before my time.

Because I know a Dragan, I think, and I don't know why.

why.

We've met a couple, I think.

We met that one guy.

But there's one, that one that came from my watch.

We also didn't go down into like a dragon belly or something like that.

Yeah, there was like a dragon bro and graveyard.

We were searching for something.

We fought a guy, but then Eddie got involved.

And then I guess Phoenix was the- No, Sphenix wasn't there.

Phoenix was later on Dragon.

Wait, what was the thing about your watch?

He made the Lost Is Gone the Time of Twilight, whatever his thing he said.

Whenever we were fighting the Phoenix.

Phoenix.

My watch came alive and then it summoned forth the Dragon.

And then the Dragon knew me.

He was very hip.

Fascinating.

Dragons certainly were ancient, powerful creatures that were here long before many of us.

Their knowledge was both vast, mysterious, and magical.

But they knew.

Knew me and my family.

Okay, so here's the thing.

One of Carol's dying wishes was that I complete her mission.

And I know that I'm not officially inducted into Sheath, but it seems like whatever Carol was doing has to do with whatever you're doing.

You know, Sheath has one collective mission for the greater good, I'm assuming.

You're going to have to fill us in on things that we don't know about.

So what else is left on the table that you haven't told us?

Because I'm here to complete my wife's mission.

To flesh it out just a little bit more, it's not much, but when I learned of Carol's death and that Eddie and Hugo were responsible, that was what motivated me to return to Vania, no matter what the personal risks were.

Which is when you all encountered me at the Triclinium.

I knew I was in danger because in the past one night, Hugo came home blood drunken, which was not unusual for him, but he was also in an insatiable rage, going on and on about how the clans had ruined his plans.

When I inquired, he lost it, and I knew my mission was compromised and my life was in danger.

That's when I tried to take Elga and Evana with me, but I was no match for a ravenous and enraged vampire.

So I ran for my my life and returned to Sheath headquarters.

Time passed, and then that's when I returned to Vania.

I have a question too.

So, I assume at some point Evina was pretty normal, but she's acting very weird this past couple days.

Do you know what happened to her and why she's like this?

That was not the Evana I remember.

No, me neither.

So it has nothing to do with the stuff that you were taking that kind of drugged you up during the pregnancy?

That's not some sort of like super soldier serum?

I don't think so.

evaina she's not a vampire but elga is how does that work especially if you know hundreds of years have passed how is i mean i know that avaina is an elf but elves don't just stay still in time during their youths you know they they grow up and then they kind of you know

this doesn't make sense why she's still a little girl there may be other magics at play that occurred during my absence that would explain that you know what would be super helpful gang is if we had like a map of who the enemies are.

So we know Hugo's up there.

We know Eddie for sure.

Is Ivana in league with them?

I mean, it seemed like they were she was fighting with him.

She appeared to be.

Okay.

But that is not really her.

She, I don't know.

That book we found with the ancient writings and everything like that, maybe she got into some funny business and kind of, you know, influenced the way she was thinking.

Choo-choo!

Next stop, Fonalock.

Next stop, Fonalock.

This we're talking.

Hey, go back to your studies.

Outside the windows, you see lush trees, both broadleaf and coniferous, whizzing past the train, and you feel the momentum of the train beginning to decelerate.

Those trees eat meat.

Okay.

Well, are there any other enemies that we need to be aware of?

Oh, yes, we.

On your little board, can we put Miss Lofty Bottom on there?

I agree.

Sheath's number one public enemy.

Yes.

Getting through Faunalak will be difficult, but we'll deal with those situations as they pop up.

In Faunalak, what is there...

What are we trying?

We're trying to stop Hugo from doing what?

We are going to Sheath Headquarters.

Then hopefully the director will give me approval and I can divulge further information on what's happening.

One last question for you, Mother-ish.

Do you know anything about Benicia Wolfman while she was in while she was locked up in the vampspire?

Who could have done that?

That seems like something that Hugo did.

I wouldn't put it past him.

But I don't know.

I had just arrived at the Vamspire and had started my investigation everything happened.

It might have been Evina working under or Eddie working for Hugo because he was incarcerated at the time.

I'm just wondering why they would take her daughter.

Like, maybe it's some type of blackmail or like...

Yeah.

The train comes to a stop at Faunal Lock Station.

Wait, really quick.

Where's the alchemist and is he a Sheath agent?

The Alchemist is most likely asleep with Francesca on the train.

Ah, Francesca.

Hmm.

Well, guess we're gonna go to Sheath headquarters because we got a lot of...

We gotta keep pulling this yarn.

Just do it.

Does Barney know where like like Marney?

Marnie would have would be on the train, too.

I assume you'd left her in the like the sleeping cart.

Well, cuz I don't think I don't think Barney would just get off the train and leave then.

Yeah,

so I

it on the meta level like no, I was gonna make a joke about that's what you did last time.

But I but I did it.

I did it.

We heard it, though.

I know, but well, technically, I think they were taken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They left.

So, Barney wants to go talk with his family before we go.

Barney, you journey down the train until you find the sleeper car your family's in.

Upon entering, Marnie and your two boys look up at you with smiles.

Marnie, boys, I'm sorry, but I have to go.

What?

But we just found each other.

Look, it's just for a little while, I promise.

You see, Elga, I mean, Calliope, she has some unfinished business.

And that means, well, I do too.

Because as much as I want to stay here with you and the boys where it's safe, well, Calliope and Chip and Medeed, they'll be in danger.

And I'm not wasting a minute more of my life being safe while the people I love need me.

Barney, Farney,

you make sure she comes back to us.

Both of you.

I promise.

And Stinker, you stay here.

Look after them.

And Barney embraces his family one last time

and then leaves.

Barney, as you leave the train car, Sadate approaches and says...

They'll be safe on the train.

We will return to them after meeting with the director.

Chip puts his hand on Barney and says,

Barney, I know that if I had a chance to be with Carol again, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Are you sure this is what you want?

I but I can't.

I don't want to leave Elga or you.

Well, the bird I'm okay with.

I could go either way with the bird.

Mate's just drinking their coffee and enjoying their time.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Matita's not.

Matita's enjoying their coffee and enjoying their time.

Bernie, it's okay.

Don't be safe on this train.

And you, Mitchep, and Matid, all best friends.

We'll go.

Right, Mate?

We'll go to discover the sheath.

No one's casting Zone of Truth right now, right?

Because

we have to find out what, you know, help Elga with her family.

And we're a family as well.

Elga and Chip with our pet bird.

Jesus,

this is

a fish.

Mateep staring daggers into Barney.

I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm just kidding.

Mate, now that Barton's family's back, Barton is all full of the chuckles and my joke.

Mateet, I genuinely care deeply for you, and the fact that you've come and helped me save my family means more to me than anything I could say.

That's a very sincere sentiment from Barney.

Well, Matit smiles.

Yeah.

All right, so everyone's getting off the train.

Yes.

And you know, this kind of reminds me, and you know, it was a flawed movie for many reasons, but I thought one of the interesting things about the Eternals was the Komel Nanjiani character at the end of the movie, just like, like, I'm not going to fight.

I'm not going to take part in this.

Yeah.

And that's kind of like where, like, the inflection point Barney's at, right?

He just stays on the train while the three of us go.

That's why I kind of presented the choice a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, I think he would in some ways, but because Elga.

Yeah.

No, it makes sense.

Alright, you all get off of the train, and everyone make me a perception check.

We're percepting.

16.

13.

19.

11.

So 11, Barney, 13, Chip, 16, Elga, and was that a 19 Mate?

Both Barney and Chip.

The two of you get off the train and you manage to avoid the steam cloud and take in your surroundings.

Mary, but a few streams of sunlight pierce the dense canopy of trees that now surround you.

The balmy forest floor is carpeted with twinkling toadstools, flamboyant flowers, and moist moss.

Elga and Mateed, there's no noticeable trail or path headed in any particular direction.

However, to the south, you hear a tree falling.

Sadate turns to Euphor and says, Sheath HQ is located in the hub of Fondalock, which is to the south.

But we should tread carefully.

The forest is protected by all manner of beasts and natural defenses.

Which direction did the tree sound fall?

So that's the direction that...

I guess we were in the forest when a tree fell and we heard it.

Solved that problem.

So if like Dracula is to Vania,

what is...

Is Nessie the Faunalock kind of head on show?

Yeah, who's the ruler of the Faunal?

He showed up at the festival.

Yes, that is correct.

Okay.

So this is so this is like forest, but also like there's a gonna be a big body of water.

I'm assuming.

Oh look, there's a giant statue of a wonderful-looking fearbog.

Yes, Loch Sessanus would be the giant body of water you're referring to here.

Sessanus.

Loch Sessanus.

And that's what we were probably supposed to come over in that big ship, but all the water was dried out.

Yeah, look at you.

Correct?

Yeah.

Loch Sessanus not like landlocked?

Because then it's not a lock.

Is all the water

dried up here, too?

You're not by a body of water.

You're not by the lock at the moment.

I think Sidate's just hearing Chip talk about and speculate and confirming his suspicions about a big body of water.

Hey, since I heard a tree fall, could I take a little fly up and see if I see anything else, like more trees falling or a hole?

Yeah, you can get only so high because the canopy is very thick, but you can take a little bit of a peek, I should say.

Sure.

Yeah, you fly up and you see down to the south, like just more.

Well, in every direction, you see lots of trees of various types, but specifically to the south, you see a bunch of coniferous trees surrounding one large tree in the center.

oh this is where they have the unoptaneum

what's coniferous what does that mean it's a type of tree it's like pine cones yeah okay someone someone uh someone else went to primary school in texas i see

i like this place this is nice yeah mate would proceed south all right what's the weather

the weather oh

it's really humid and hot chances of rain humid and hot yeah Yeah.

Have you ever been to Florida or Texas?

Yeah, but this is.

Balmy.

Is that better?

Yeah, no, I'm just confused because that's not how I would have expected this place to.

It's almost like rainforest-ish.

Oh, again, not what I would have expected.

Do I see a cafe?

No, the cafe is rolling away down the train track.

Oh, is just leaving?

Oh, yeah.

Just is gone on the train.

Guys, good luck, get the...

That's a college.

It's not Yamford, it's the other one.

Guys,

the college?

The college.

He's getting a job as a professor.

He's getting away.

Lofton College.

Don't take a look at Lofton College, sis.

Teaching what?

Transmutation.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Inspiration die for Chip.

Oh, my God.

Did it.

Nice.

It's like the first inspiration I die that it wasn't a joke.

For bonus points, what's the mascot of Lofton College?

No, it wasn't a potato.

That's a, I'm thinking of the yam for yams.

The Lofton Cubers.

A tiger.

Inspiration die for Elga.

That was a good guess, Barbara.

Are you kidding?

Was it?

I don't think we had said what it was.

I was about to say that.

Canonically, you just created it.

Yay!

Also, Chris remembered Lofton College.

I don't know if we want to.

Yeah, he did, but I'm giving it.

I made my decision.

I'm giving that one a blank.

Fair enough.

All right.

Yeah.

So you've reached the forested northern border of Faunalock, which is obviously that's why you're heading south.

Sidate says, There are magical natural hazards here, as well as some creatures we'll need to avoid as much as possible.

Like what?

Air Air roamers and defilins.

I'll point them out when we see them, but hopefully, we can avoid them.

Dephilums and woozels?

Okay.

Air roams and air roamers and defilins.

Air roamers.

That's Pokemon.

Defilins must be like zeppelins, but they're like definitely zeppelins.

Yeah.

Let's all travel as quietly as possible.

Uh-oh.

So everyone go ahead and make me a stealth check.

Okay.

Also, who's part of our gang?

Is it just us and

it's Euphora and Sedate.

Sedate.

And not The Alchemist and Francesca?

No.

They stayed.

14.

25.

29.

At disadvantage, I got a 17.

Wow.

I didn't say this in our last episode, but with leveling up, I was able to add ability score modifiers.

And so now Matid has a 20 in dexterity and 18 in wisdom.

Wow.

Wow.

And because of my...

What item does it?

Oh my God, you have pluses and everything.

Because of my...

I have an I.

What item is that?

I don't remember, but I've also,

I'm 20 on constitution.

So

but just so you know guys still a plus one on intelligence.

Oh, that's all I wouldn't have my party any other way.

Yeah next campaign I'm gonna be so smart.

Yeah

so weak just like just a little brain just a brain creature.

Yeah you all travel rather stealthily to the south and you come upon a copse of coniferous trees surrounding a large broadleaf tree in the center.

And at the base of the tree appears to be someone taking a nap.

This is where they made the cookies.

Nice.

What does the person or the creature look like taking a nap?

Little chef, little chef hat.

It's a baker, actually, I think, right now.

Yeah, it's actually true.

A word I should have used.

Without getting closer, it's hard to see exactly, but it looks to be like a smaller dwarf-sized humanoid.

Hey, Barney, you should do that like classic Barney whisper to wake them up.

It's the most comforting way to awaken to you.

to get into combat?

Oh, is this a combat thing?

No, I'm just saying.

Waking somebody in that way, but it clearly puts them on edge.

I point at Sidate and say, bad guy?

She looks at it from a distance and like kind of narrows her eyes.

It's hard to tell from here.

Bad guy.

The tree, we're at the base of a, or we're, we are approaching that large tree that I saw.

Correct.

You're like at the border of a circular opening and the large tree is in the middle.

How big?

How large are we talking?

We're talking like, there's a city in there.

Or like, man, that's an old tree.

Like a redwood.

Old tree.

It's probably, you know, looking at the trunk,

it's huge.

You know, the trunk's probably

an adventure inside this tree.

No, not that big.

Let's say the trunk's probably eight to 10 feet across, but the canopy itself is probably at the biggest

50 to 60 feet.

Okay.

So just an impressive tree.

Barney, go over, take a sit next to the tree and start whittling some wood like next to the person and like kind of loudly so they like might just kind of awaken them up yeah I gotta say if I was taking a nap in the forest and I woke up to an old man whittling next to me with that knife I would pee myself

yeah you walk over and sit down and start whittling is there anything specific you want to whittle or anything you want to make um

a knife no

shit uh just like uh a little like a mushroom figurine like just a little oh yeah Barney you start whittling well make him a make some kind of check Make a

right hand.

Sensor.

I feel like there would be something better.

While he's doing that, could I see what kind of clothes this person's wearing?

Yeah, let me figure out his check and then I'll answer that.

Make a dex check with proficiency, Barney.

Make an unarmed strike versus this width.

So, how does proficiency work with decks?

So, just roll your deck check and then add your proficiency bonus, which is plus four.

Okay, so that's 11 plus four would be 15.

Yeah, you start really carving out a nice-looking mushroom.

Elga, make an investigation check.

Am I close enough to do it with advantage?

If you get close, and I think so far Barney's the only one who said he's walked up, you're still at the edge of the clearing.

I want to walk up very quietly.

I will do it.

12.

I just got perplexed by a word that I found in D ⁇ D Beyond recently.

Dice?

No.

I had a moment recently in a DM moment where I didn't know what kind of check to do for a hand-like thing, and I thought sleight of hand would make sense, but it didn't feel right.

And so a dex check for for this kind of thing feels right.

But on D and D Beyond, you can click on each of these checks and see the description of what they should be for.

However, there's a word in sleight of hand I've never heard before.

And it says, whenever you attempt an act of légeur de main.

Leger demain?

Legure demain.

Liger de main.

Liger de main or manual trickery.

I've never heard that word.

That's such a fun word.

I've never heard that either.

Okay.

It is a skillful use of one's hand when performing conjuring tricks.

All right.

Legeur de domain.

Okay, cool.

Fun word.

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt for learning good words.

Word of the day.

Yeah, ledger domain.

So, Elga, you had a 12-hour investigation.

You know, you're looking, you know, Barney walks over, plops down, begins whittling a mushroom.

And as you're looking, you see that, you know, like I said earlier, it's a smaller dwarf-sized humanoid.

However, you notice the body's actually singed to a crisp and its hands are clutching onto a small metal box.

Oh, Barney just sat down next to a corpse.

Is this person hello?

Is this person dead?

Most likely, yes.

They were Chris.

Could Barney not know this?

All right.

I figured Barney doesn't know.

Like, Barney was so focused on whittling.

Barney's sitting there whittling like...

Hello there, stranger.

Barney.

Good morning.

I have some awkward news to share with you, Barney.

The person you're sitting next to is...

He's a new friend.

I can't wait to meet you.

Well, you might be waiting a long time.

His name is Bernie.

We're going to have a weekend at his house.

Could I go up and see what the box this person's holding?

Yeah, both Elga and Barney, both of you make perception checks for me.

18.

Eight.

I still think they're alive.

Elga, the little hairs on the back of your neck begin standing straight up.

Ambush.

Okay.

Danger sense?

Chip and Matida, you're watching this.

You know, Barney's sitting down, whittling a mushroom.

Elga's, you know, looking at this small dwarf-sized humanoid, when all of a sudden, leaves begin falling down from the tree, and lightning seems to form very quickly under the tree and then strike down the ground around it at the base.

Both Barney and Elga make me dexterity-saving throws.

He's a weird forest.

We just got struck by lightning, essentially.

Yes.

Dexterity saving?

Yeah.

So you're saying you're thunderstruck?

Got in at 20.

22.

12.

So you're telling the better day of that.

Is that you?

Sandstorm?

Yeah, did you make that?

Is that you?

Making that sandstorm?

Same thing making a storm?

Sandstorm.

Oh, this is the sand.

This lightning chip.

I'm just trying to make a callback.

I'm just trying to say I know some of your combat moves because we are friends and I'm trying to make a joke.

Lightning the mood because there's a dead guy and Barney's trying to make friends with him.

And we're getting struck by lightning.

Elga, you dodge out of the way of the lightning leaves, but a couple of them fall on

Barney and Impact.

How does that conduct with his metal armor?

Not very great.

Actually, very well.

Am I dexterous enough to also have pushed him out of the way?

I'm going to say no.

There wasn't enough time.

Okay.

Ooh, that's a lot.

I finally just looked at the damage for this tree.

Sorry, I got a lot of stuff to roll.

And it seems to only have hit like in the vicinity of the tree, right?

Correct, like right under it.

Wow, I hope that wasn't damaged.

Yeah, a couple of the leaves fall on Barney.

Lightning strikes.

There's a loud, thunderous boom, and the tree or the lightning does 53 points of damage

on Barney.

Holy moly.

Well, Barney, look at

Barney, look at the bright side.

You won't get struck twice.

Elga grabs Barney by the like neck collar of his armor and pulls him out from away from the tree.

We can't leave this.

It's not worth it.

All of Elga's hairs are standing out on top of her head as she touches Barney.

Barney uses, while he's being pulled away, he uses telekinetic reach to like pull the,

what he thinks is that other person away from the tree.

Yeah, you reach out and pull the person, and their head falls off, and the skull rolls around on the ground.

Oh, my!

And uh, you pull the body, still holding the box alongside with you.

Mateet and I are still just watching this, just absolutely horrified.

I mean, it's just a bad situation, it just keeps getting worse.

Could uh Elga look at the box?

Yeah, it's a small metal box, which strangely appears to be intact.

Could I pick it up and open it or what's in that box?

If there's any symbols on it, yeah, you uh it's a plain metal box, nothing's etched into it.

You pick it up and

Many's head.

Oh, no.

I just watched that through for the first time recently.

It's a good movie.

It's a good movie.

It's very good.

I just realized I just hadn't watched that David Fincher one.

Why did you roll 3d10?

I guess.

Oh, because you find 20 gold pieces.

Oh.

And a picture inside of a dwarven man holding hands with a tendriled abrillion.

A tender old abrillion?

Tendrilled.

Oh, I thought you said like a 10-year-old abrillion.

I was like, who's he holding hands with that tender?

And sorry, who was the other person in the picture?

It's a picture of a dwarven man with

a tendriled abrillion.

He was was dwarven we should name him bacon and uh it was how many gold you gold pieces sadate says i should have recognized that there are many dangers in phonology don't say

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Oh,

Barney's just literally burnt to a crisp with his hair.

Just like.

It's like a cartoon, yeah.

It's like smoking, and every hair is standing straight up.

Very good.

The little hair that he has, it's all just like yeah, yeah,

guys.

You're probably gonna say no to this, but I, because you just brought this up.

But I'm gonna ask if on the train, Mateed would have looked for an exchange area.

Is there a place that would have been an exchange area for hemo pieces?

That's an interesting question.

I'm just thinking this: these trains are clearly international.

I would think that would be not on the train, but at the train depot or at the train station.

You didn't have time to look on the way there because you were barely able to jump onto the caboose, but you could have potentially looked for one here when you got to Fonalock.

Do you want to let me have a retcon?

How many hemo pieces do you got?

32.

Yeah, there's a Travel Hex kiosk here that will exchange 32 Hemo pieces for.

Oh, that's half a life.

Well, it depends on the level.

That what level I was at, that was half a life.

Yeah, you can exchange 32 Hemo pieces for 32 gold pieces.

I will take it because you're being kind.

It's not a great exchange rate, but that's what you get at Travel Hex.

I'll take it.

Thank you.

Sorry to derail it for trying to get my monies.

Oh, good.

I had some too, but I can't remember how much it was.

Whatever.

Yeah, if you do find and you have some, feel free to go ahead and just exchange them one-to-one.

Okay.

Sorry.

So, Crispy Barney, don't go near that tree.

The metal box had a picture.

A picture of, yeah.

And a brilliant.

Abrillion and a pod this dwarf.

Yeah.

And they were holding hands, you said?

Yeah, well, tendril.

Yeah.

Sadate, you know, points out off to the side, off to the southern edge of the clearing.

There appears to be a trail there.

We can take that to continue to sheath headquarters.

And is there any good way to protect ourselves from like especially those lightning leaves?

Now that we see it, let's keep an eye out for more dragon leaf trees and steer clear of them.

I think that's what I do.

I'm gonna float.

Okay.

All of you make me a perception check.

Okay.

As we're walking down, yeah, that's very clear.

17.

18.

3.

I guess.

11.

It'd be a saving throw if he was really about to do something to me, probably.

I'm fine.

Elga and Mate, you know, the two of you are keeping especially close watch on the tree to make sure you keep a distance from it and you know as you're looking at it you can see that the leaves that have fallen on the ground and the leaves on this tree actually still are shaped like dragon heads oh dragon head leaves that caused the leaves were the source of the lightning damage yeah lightning leaves lightning leaves shaped like dragon heads yeah and is the bark of the tree or the tree trunk shaped in anything oh the tree's bark is scaly oh

is the tree.

I almost asked the dumbest question ever.

I was about to ask, is the tree alive?

Yes, it is.

It's almost like all plants are.

Does,

I don't know, does Mate have any history of knowing these kinds of trees?

Trees probably are important to Eric Cochranes.

I don't think Mate has ever seen a drygon leaf tree like this.

I wish I had established earlier on in this campaign that I can talk to birds because I'd like to ask a bird a question, but that's not how.

Hey, Sidate, is there any way to weaponize these leaves?

They seem very powerful.

I mean just look at Barney.

Unfortunately, once they fall and make contact with an object, their magic and arcana are expended.

Ah, hmm.

Do you want to go get one real quick?

I'm good.

I think I might go get one.

Sidate, you know, moves some branches aside.

Come.

The trail's right here.

I want to get one of the leaves.

Before it falls and hits the ground.

I can help you get one.

I want to get one.

one.

Okay.

But one of the inert ones.

I just want to get it.

Yeah.

I go get one.

While he's doing that, could Barney take a short rest?

That's up to the party.

How long is the short rest?

It's probably say 30 minutes.

He's old.

I mean, I could also just heal myself.

Yeah, but then you're going to blow your spell slots for,

you know.

I could totally just heal myself.

Kealing chip later.

Tree points.

Yeah.

Do I get one of the leaves?

Yeah, I'll say you very quickly dart out and get it and come back.

Okay.

Can I give Barney a, like a if you have to go to sleep for 30 minutes, can I give him like a little piggyback ride so he can sleep on my back?

Do that.

Yeah, that's up to you guys.

All right, come here, Barney.

Yeah, nap time.

Okay,

okay.

Gotta set a timer for 30 minutes.

Chris has to be asleep for that one.

Chris, close your eyes.

Just go sit in the corner.

I sound so good right now.

A little nap.

That does sound pretty nice.

I love some naps.

And everyone, go ahead and make me another stealth check.

Okay.

Do I need to, if I'm on his back, yeah, you do.

Okay.

16.

28.

23.

I'll modify.

I'm sorry.

I plus 9 on stealth.

It's a 5.

I'm proficient.

Everyone rolled pretty good, though.

Yeah, you all managed to continue making your way further south.

And you come upon this winding trail beneath a dense canopy of coniferous trees.

And it's really difficult to see more than 10 feet ahead because of all the trees, you know, the thickets, fallen logs, and a few stumps.

Oh, we're in Fauna La?

Fallen logs.

Oh.

Bird.

I'm not laughing at your next joke.

Oh, that's not nice.

You know, I will.

We're just waiting for the joke.

I'm working on it.

Sorry.

As you all are walking along,

everyone make a perception check for me.

Perceiving.

Now, if I'm trying to nat, do I...

Yeah, not you, though.

Nine.

16.

19.

Elga and Mati.

God, y'all are really on fire.

Y'all are really good with these perceptions.

I'm also proficient in perception checks.

That's my two, that's one of my proficiencies.

I have a post-card.

You know, as you all are walking, you see in the trees animals hopping around, and there's like this weird hybrid, almost like a squirrel-like lemur jumping treetop to treetop, eating the leaves

in the canopy.

I turn to Sadata and I go, is that an air roamer or a dallophon?

She looks at you and looks up and then stops her movement and whispers, That's an air roamer.

Oh.

Are they dangerous?

Not directly, but avoid getting their attention.

Probably for the best that Barney's sleeping, he would definitely want to adopt that pet.

Don't want to sweep.

That's right.

So they're

above us?

Yeah.

Okay.

What do they look like?

They're like squirrel-like lemurs.

Okay.

Lemur's a monkey, right?

Yes.

Similar size and everything like that.

Yeah, smallish.

Just before anyone gets mad, I don't think a lemur is a monkey.

Before any listener gets mad.

Is it related to them?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Are they marsupials?

I believe so.

That makes more sense.

It's a marsupial.

Oh, no.

Lemurs are primates.

i had no idea i thought they were primates i mean they're they're very closely in their witness primates oh did you see what's the movie with the king lemur seven no what what's the the jungle one with uh chris rock as a zebra

madagascar oh yeah good god look at their little bulgy eyes very fun fact my cousin worked on a movie called into the wild oh yeah came out the same time that one got very

as madagascar because it was very similar that was movies that That was the ants to Bugs Life.

Yeah.

Yep.

So it's just a big old squirrel.

So go check out Into the Wild.

Just pour myself.

John, you get a bonus die for teaching me about lemurs today.

I said

an inspiration.

Inspiration die.

I'll take it.

Okay.

They're above us.

We did a perception check.

We did a stealth check.

So can we just pass these?

Yeah, you just have to move very stealthily through.

Well, I'm floating, so I'm not going to step on any twigs.

Up in the river, a stealthy quad.

As long as Barney doesn't let out one of them old man farts.

Stop provoking him.

It's gonna be just fine.

Do you want me to maybe carry you, Elka?

I'm okay.

Okay.

I'm a bit strong, but I'm very light on my feet.

Okay.

Crunch, crunch.

The sound of your axes clanging against each other.

Five axes

dragging in the dirt.

You are a TSA agent's nightmare.

Also, I want to stay close to

Sidante.

Okay.

All four of you make me one more stealth check here.

24.

Nine.

Sure, you don't want me to carry you?

Elga!

23.

16 at disadvantage.

That's not bad.

Andy's seeping.

I think that's why I did so well.

Like, I'm not.

Barney's not walking.

As you all are walking, you know, you're looking around very carefully.

You notice that Ilga is glowing very dimly in a blue color.

Uh-oh.

I wonder what Arimer's favorite color is.

The monkeys.

Elga, are you feeling down?

Oh,

hurry, create some great art.

You're in your blue period.

Listen, I'm trying here.

They all can't be winners.

Right over my head.

Sorry, art student here.

Do I feel anything?

No.

You feel great.

I'm just glowing blue.

Yeah.

Is she growing in size as well?

Miss Tenpur.

Temple,

what is happening to me?

Sadate looks at you.

It's just...

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, that's a bad thing.

Sadate does not have good bedside manner.

Oh, I mean, you're fine.

Yeah.

You said, uh-oh, I heard that.

Timothy is like, we need to get her to a hospital right now.

She begins

patting you down, looking all over you, Elga.

One moment.

Oh, you have...

Is the money cursed?

Did you take cursed money?

Was it the box?

I don't know.

But also, she had the worst check.

I had the lowest stealth check.

Okay.

Oh, that's creepy looking.

Oh, good.

No, it's just a picture of what the Aramers look like.

It's not exactly what I had pictured in my mind.

They look like flying squirrel lemurs.

They look like lemurs, but with skin between their front legs and their back legs.

What's his face from Momo?

Airbender?

I don't know what that is.

Yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

It's Gus.

It's your favorite film from Shamalong.

That must not have been in the movie.

Which is the only thing that exists to me.

On the back of your leg, Sadate sees something.

She pulls out a little dart from your left calf.

Oh, a dart?

Yeah.

Good lord.

Okay.

And then

the glowing around you begins diminishing and you lose it altogether.

Did somebody shoot this into me or did I step on something?

Sometimes the air roamers will do this.

Those little monkey lemur guns?

Monkeys have guns.

They have like squirrel lemurs.

They got like tiny little weapons or they like...

They have little blow guns.

That is the most cutest and horrifying thing I've heard today.

And is it painful?

Like what does it do?

It just makes you glow?

They're doing it to help the defilins.

Oh, they're working together for prey.

Yes.

So it's like they target them and then

wow.

That's so they make us glow so that the other things could see us easily.

Can I perceive if there are any deflants around?

Yeah, make a perception check.

But you know if they look like why did I

curious to hear how this goes sometimes you just say yes, Barbara, and then you see what happens.

I see I see a B.

I see a nat 20.

So you're looking, you know, know, Chip, you stop, you decide to go ahead and look around for defilins.

Describe to us what you're looking for.

I guess anything that would have

eyes, you got to break apart the words.

Okay.

What?

You know, it's like defilins, it's probably some sort of amalgamation of

Latin words or prefixes or something.

Then it's probably some sort of balloon-like creature.

I'm just going to see if anything that stands out as organic that isn't a tree.

So you're looking for something

of animal.

Yeah.

Okay.

You look around trying to find all the defilins you can with your many years of experience looking for defilins and uh yeah make a yeah let's call it a survival check why not okay wait is that the spelling of fauna lock is it like fauna like f-a-u-n-a oh okay that's fun 16.

yeah you don't see any defilins oh yeah the only fauna you see are the um uh eramers

let me know when i can wake up Okay, we'll give you just a little bit longer and then you'll wake up.

Gus just wants a little bit longer.

All right.

So you all continue and I'll say this time everyone but Barney makes self-checks.

You're deep in REM sleep right now, Barney.

Yeah.

21.

The key moment.

I can't let you wake up at this time.

Otherwise, you'll have sleep lag or whatever they call it.

Sorry, 22.

25.

Talking about train lag?

What?

No, no, no, no.

You know when you like break an REM cycle and you wake up and you feel worse than you did when you initially took this?

I hate that.

Yeah.

It's going to be train lag because we don't say plane lag.

We say jet lag.

So what would be like...

Well, jets are kinds of plans.

Well, but it's like the jet on the plane we're doing.

I'm just trying to think of like what would be on a train.

What's the locomotion of the train?

Wheel lag.

Coal lag.

Coal lag.

Coal lag is when your blood gets all solid.

Did I kind of steal check from you, Elga?

I don't know if I did.

You did not.

My bad.

Steam lag.

That's a good one.

Steam lag.

That's a good one, Micah.

Oh, yeah.

I like that.

I like that.

No, that's when the summer sale hits, and I

oh, yeah.

That's when you miss the sale.

Yeah.

rolled a six six okay so it's a six for Elga uh was that a 25 for chip yeah she's now just super aware of these little darts I look at Elga and then she's like

eight arrows

yeah darts all over and all of a sudden it's like you know when you're watching Dune and it goes from super dark to super light and your eyes are

moments like that.

What was your stealth check, Mate?

22.

Okay, yeah, you all did good.

Yes, all of us.

You'll start stirring at this point.

You all come upon a grove of trees with enormous trunks, toadstools, and sizable stones.

In the center of the grove is a wagon.

I put Barney down very carefully, not to like jostle him too awake.

And I say, hey, Barney, yeah.

Okay.

Now we're in the Faunalock, right?

Yeah.

And there's these tiny little squirrel monkeys.

Yeah.

And they'll shoot you.

Uh-huh.

And if you do that, then you'll glow really bright.

Uh-huh.

And then we're assuming you then get bombed by what we think is a zeppelin-type creature.

Okay.

Okay.

You glow bright.

What color?

You don't want to glow bright.

You don't want to glow bright.

It's not fun.

Yeah.

What color?

Well, so far we've seen blue.

We don't know if that's the only color.

Okay.

Okay.

Am I glowing blue right now?

No.

Okay.

So we've seen mushrooms and just all sorts of

stones and a wagon.

Yeah.

And the wagons in like the center of the grove.

Can I sneak up on that wagon?

Investigate.

Make a...

Well, if you're sneaking up, make a stealth check first.

A T takes 10 steps back.

18.

okay and then yeah uh you um you know make sure your sneakers are good to go and you uh slowly make your way over to the wagon and make an investigation check on it that's a 17.

as you're approaching you can see it's a broken down covered wagon that's missing a wheel and as you get closer and closer you're picking up more and more of the smell of vanilla and from the outside as you get close there appears to be something shiny glinting inside and you know as you finally you get close enough to be able to peek inside and see what it is, and you see a glittering dagger inside along on top of an open chest of gold coins.

You know, since you were low and sneaking up, you notice an abundance of orange fungus growing on the undercarriage of the wagon.

Seems tempting.

I do like knives.

I'm a bit of a knife guy.

I'm just picturing right now Tom Hardy in Mad Max, just going, That's the trap.

Can I investigate for traps?

Can I see if there's any traps?

Investigate for traps.

Yeah.

Why not?

Yeah.

Doesn't check for traps like

a good rogue thing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In fact, I think I should get like

training on it?

Yeah, I think so.

You should have a candle that helped.

Oh, that's true.

Make a perception check.

You obviously would make the worst.

Well, I'm looking.

I had to look it up.

Like, it used to be something you could do.

Now it's just you do a perception check.

17.

He had the most, the most like smug grin as he crossed his arms and said that.

He's so proud.

You, you know, investigate, you know, before you touch anything, you're kind of like Indiana Jones, you know, when he's looking at the gold idol in Raiders of the Lost Dark.

He wiggles his fingers and

sweat away.

Yeah, you like run your hand across your

mouth.

Yeah.

Oh, is Chip going to take an Indigenous people's

rare artifact away?

I look back at Matin with a glare.

You know, as you're looking, you don't find a trap per se on it, but you realize that this whole grove appears to be dusty.

It's like everything is covered in an orange, like pollen.

This is like every movie has taught me.

Do not trust mushrooms.

I'm gonna hold my breath and I think I'm gonna head back to the group.

I'm not gonna touch the knife.

I think I'm gonna head back.

So it's a knife.

Knife on top of some gold cold cold dagger.

And you're not taking cores in the air.

Should I?

You know what?

You should.

If you want, I could, I could, we could get it far away and I could use my telekinetic thing to grab it.

Or make it.

To grab what?

That's what I mean.

Telekinetic is like a different type of mage.

To grab what?

The dagger.

You mean this dagger?

And I pick it up.

Oh!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

That's Mate in character.

Yes.

You did it.

You got it.

Something lashes out at you doing 100 points of damage.

As you are walking back to the group out from under...

He just looks like a mushroom as he walks back to us guys we gotta find princess toadstool

except he sounds like he's screaming now guys

what's wrong out from under two of the trees pounce two what appear to be like ethereal looking lions are those the deaf ones deaf lions definitely

lions why did i say zeppelin i was thinking i was gonna find a balloon not a lion everyone roll me initiative

kitties Well, what's the...

Is the knife cool at least?

What knife?

I picked it up, the dagger.

16.

What knife?

What dagger?

It was an illusion.

These are

spectral.

I have clothes made of this thing.

16, Elga.

What?

Thank you.

18, Barney?

I did 18.

I didn't do my double initiative because I didn't.

You didn't specify.

I have advantage online, which is why I rolled twice.

Alright.

They're like, are they displacers?

No.

Oh.

Are they in the displacer family?

No.

Like, you know the lion, the

panther?

Okay, all right.

No?

Okay.

No.

I like Blaze.

Like, Gus, I don't think you heard me.

Are they displacers?

What if we keep getting into the nitty-gritty on this?

I rolled a nine.

I rolled a ten.

All right, Barney, from your perspective, you see Chip walk up to the wagon and then with a big dumb grin on his face, turn around and start walking back to the rest of the party.

And as he does so, two ethereal-ish lions dash out from under trees and charge at him.

Okay, and then I'm up first?

Yes.

All right.

And after, sorry, after Barney is Elga, then one of them, then Matita.

I want to cast a fairy fire.

Okay.

Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in blue, green, or violet light.

Violet light?

Violet.

Any creature in the area when the spells cast also outline the light if it fails.

The dexterity saving throw.

For the duration, objects in affected creatures shed dim light in a 10-foot radius.

So I want to cast that.

Is there a way I can cast?

How far is Chip from the lion things they're closing quickly from two different sides it's almost like they had coordinated their attack one's coming from the east one's coming from the west uh-huh they're both about 20 feet away from him

they're both about 20 feet away is there a way i could target a 20 foot cube and not have chip in it

not getting both lines because one's 20 foot west of him one's 20 foot east of him okay which one's closer to chip the one coming from the east okay i want to target a 20 foot cube that encompasses the line on the west okay and everything around it except for Chip.

Got it.

Okay, I'm riding very fire.

Okay.

I've just imagined this whole thing playing out in slow motion.

Chip's just walking back really happy.

He hasn't noticed yet.

He sees like Barney like pointing his finger to cast something.

He's like, what's going on?

So, and I would pick blue light.

Okay.

And that one line has to make a Dex 18 safe.

Alright.

Is that a new one?

No.

I just haven't had a use for it.

12 plus 315.

That's a fail.

Okay, so that line and everything in the area is now glowing blue light.

Yeah.

It's the idea that you trick it into attacking the yellow one.

That's cool.

And then as my bonus action, I want to do telekinetic shove and pull chip towards the party.

Okay, and is there a weight limit on that?

No.

Well, as a bonus action, you can try to telekinetically shove one creature you can see within 30 feet of you.

When you do so, the target must succeed on a strength-saving throw, DC-17, or be moved five feet

toward or away from you.

A creature can willingly fail to save.

So you willingly fail.

I willingly fail.

Willingly fail.

Okay, so then yeah, you pull him and he moves 10 feet closer to the rest of the party.

Five.

But five out of the path of the creature.

Okay.

And if you'd done this in the reverse order, where you shoved me, then you could have cast the thing.

And theoretically, I could have gone away.

So if you want to hit both of them.

Oh, no, because they're not within 20 feet of each other.

One's 20 feet west of you, one's 20 feet east of you.

I'm sorry.

My ears?

I need to open them.

Nah.

And then...

Keep them closed.

No.

Just a bit.

Oh, Barney, your eye has closed and your ears have grown back.

Thank goodness.

I forgot.

That happened during his short rest.

Yeah, he woke up refreshed and back to his normal Barney self.

The other eyeballs on my arm, though.

And then I guess

I'll kind of move Barney

up a little so he's like within range to attack both of them, but not like in their path.

Does that make sense?

I don't know where I am in relation to them exactly.

You're north of them, because you all were to the north.

Chip went south to the wagon, and then from his position they're west and east to that.

It's like a big T, an upside-down T.

Okay, and then I want to say the part.

If this works, we can try and run away.

Sounds good.

All right, and then that's my turn.

At what point do I start calling you dad instead of Barney?

I don't know.

It's weird to me still.

That's up to you to decide.

You can just call me Barney.

Okay, Barney.

Papa Barney.

I grabbed my teeth.

It's so sweet.

Okay, so I'm just going to go after you, you, Elka.

Oh, I thought you meant she's going to go after you.

No, no, no.

And I was like, wait, what?

In initiative order.

Wow, what a turn.

I got you.

She becomes a lion as well.

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Elga, you're up.

Okay.

And then after Elga, Sedate, Adefal, and then Mati.

Is there one close to Chip right now?

They're both equidistant from Chip.

The one, I guess I said the one to the east is is a little closer.

Okay, let me uh run up to the one uh at the east.

Okay, and I'm going to well, I'm going to rage.

Okay,

and I'm going to use my great axe of gaining

to strike at it.

And that is a 27 that hits doing 20 points of damage.

Oh, I don't like that.

That's a big hit.

That's a big hit.

Raging 17 plus three.

Okay.

And I will do it again.

Yeah.

Ranging in 22.

Act so nice.

Hit twice.

And hits doing.

Ba-da-ba-da-dam.

21 points of damage.

Wow.

Elka's so strong.

You leave my friendship alone.

You thing?

I don't know what you're called.

Death a lion.

Death a lion.

When you say friendship, it sounds like friendship.

My friendship alone.

Ah.

Double on tantra.

Okay, and then

that should be it.

Okay.

Did you take your form with your rage?

I did not specify.

I will take the form of a tail.

Reaction.

Okay, it's Sedate's turn after Sidate's Dephilin, the one that you attacked Elga.

So I would think Sadate would run up right next to you, Elka, to also be up in the face of that Dephilin.

And as she's running up, she pulls out an intricately carved bow.

And then from point blank range, pulls back the string and unleashes two quick arrows at the Dephilin.

How does she rush up to do that?

She has an elf.

Garage comes a little closer.

I think metagame-wise, she wants to help protect Elga.

Okay.

And try to...

I figure there's a reason.

Yeah, present another target for the Dephilin so that Elga doesn't necessarily get hurt.

Okay.

Such a mama bear.

Yeah.

I mean, this woman did raise Elga essentially from baby.

Yeah.

So.

That's a 24 and a 13.

The 24 hits.

She fires one of the arrows, hits, doing eight points of damage, and it impacts into the ground through the Dephilin's tail and kind of pins it in place and it's holding it to the the ground.

Whoa, wow.

It is that Dephilin's turn.

It is unhappy about now being restrained.

And you see a puff of gray smoke and it disappears from the spot it was at.

Spectral lions.

I wonder if this is...

are there two of them?

Yeah.

Or is this just one that's making it?

Okay, Mateed, it's your turn.

Could I...

The lion's not within visualization, the one that we attacked.

Is the lion in the room with us?

You do not see it.

Okay.

Dephilin.

Right?

Yeah.

Could I check to see if I see it?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Make me a darkata chip.

That's a nine.

Yeah,

you do not see it.

You do not know where it went.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess I'll go for the other one.

Okay, the one to the west that is glowing blue.

Actually, which one did you cast Fairy Fire on?

That's the one that fled to the west.

Perfect.

Can I go up to

Sadate?

Yeah.

Madame.

Do you still have that dot?

No, I threw it on the ground.

Okay.

Well, just ruined my plan.

They're worthless normally.

Okay, then I'll go

attack this other Defilion.

Defilin.

Defilion.

Defilin.

Defilins and Woozles.

Frank Eska.

Yeah, I want to use...

Actually,

how far is Chip from that one?

He got pulled a little bit by Barney, so I'd say like 25 feet.

Perfect!

I go right up on that lion.

And I use...

That's the name of the creature.

I go right up on the Defilin.

Yeah, words are important.

And I use...

I use my sling of the sandstorm.

And I use sandstorm.

And I can expend three charges to create a whirlwind of coarse sand in a 20-foot sphere.

Spentered.

Spentered on me.

Spentered.

Some might call it centered.

All creatures of your choice in the area have to make a deck-saving throw.

And it's 12 plus my proficiency.

So 16.

16.

I've got plus three on that.

The DC save is 16.

Well, I rolled a four.

Just gonna roll me some lovely little damage.

21.

21 points of damage?

What are you Elga?

Slashing damage.

And they're blinded until the end of their next turn.

All right.

And if they're blinded, do I get like advantage on anything?

Well, you already have advantage on your attack rolls because of the fairy fire.

Oh, cool, cool, cool.

Then I'm going to go ahead and stab this cat with the spear of the superior baker.

18.

That hits.

And that is another d8.

7 plus 7 is 14.

All right.

And with my muffin of stardust,

when I make a successful attack,

I can choose to take advantage on a roll before the end of my next turn.

Okay.

So I'm going to proc that.

Or just remember that I have that.

Because I have forgotten I've had that since you gave me that muffin.

And then since I have a bonus action still, I'll just do Flare Blows.

That's a quick and easy.

All right.

That's an easy, dirty hit.

That's 16.

That hits.

Okay.

D6.

4 plus 5 is 9.

All right.

And that is 21.

21 points.

Is that 21 to hit?

21 to hit.

Yeah, that hits.

And I rolled a 6 plus 5.

11.

That is a lot of damage.

What was that?

Like 55 points or something?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, I think with my pressure.

I learned to say yes to gus math.

It was 55.

Trust in the gus.

He's like a calculator.

Kind of.

And I'm done.

I used to do academic competitions when I was in elementary school where you just did math without a calculator.

No calculator and no scratch paper.

You could only write answers down on the paper.

That is impressive.

Just beating the dates off with a stick, right?

I used to be okay at doing like long

multiplication and stuff in my head.

There were like tricks to it.

I don't do it anyway.

It's terrible.

Chip, you're up.

Okay.

Anyway, enough about that nerd stuff.

Let's play some DD.

More math, more math.

So Mate is within...

Would you say Matit is within five feet?

Yeah, I'm on.

I went to melee range for the spear.

Okay, then I'm going to run up and use my arm blade of blurbling.

And because Matita is within five feet, then that gives me the.

Gives you the ability to use sneak die.

Question, teacher.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you can use sneak die if I'm close.

You don't need to go hide.

As long as someone else is within five feet, yeah, I'd give you the sneak die prop.

Cool.

Yeah.

Then there.

Just want to make sure you're using your sneak die.

Well, I'm lucky for you, yeah.

Good.

So I get advantage on that.

So that's it.

21

21.

That hits.

Okay.

And then I do the

that's 10 piercing.

And then I do an additional 1d4 acid damage.

That's the arm blade.

Yeah.

And that's two.

So that's 12 total?

12 total.

Total.

Yeah.

And then...

How much sneak that you got?

5d6.

Wow.

You want to roll a real one?

Sure.

Okay.

There you go.

Okay, here we go.

There you go.

I've caught three.

Alright, that's a four

plus six.

That's ten.

Plus three, that's 13.

Plus six, that's 19.

Plus two, that's 21.

That was five.

Was that five?

Yeah.

20.

Four?

Wait, what?

How many d6 was it?

Oh, God.

I thought how many

five wait, five?

Wait.

Oh,

she's saying the two was a...

How many d6?

It's 24.

You're at 24.

5 d6.

Okay, you got to 21 at 5 5 rolls.

Okay, then 21.

21, okay.

21 additional damage.

Wow.

How's it looking?

That's pretty beat up.

It's not looking good.

Okay, and then I'm going to use my bonus to go into hiding.

I'm going to use cunning action.

Okay, so roll for stealth him.

Yep.

Okay.

He's an advantage.

That's a 27 and a...

24.

27.

Okay.

Yeah, you're all sneaky.

Okay.

Alright, it's that Defilin's turn.

Who's it gonna attack?

It's a typical humanoid harassment.

I would never expect anything more from your kind.

And it disappears with a puff of smoke.

Oh my god, I feel terrible.

They came after us first, did they not?

Yeah, but like, he's talking.

He sees it talking.

Deflin.

He's so cute.

He's crying, too.

Deflin, if you can hear me, I am so sorry.

You did, you know, attack us first, but like...

Did they?

Yeah, well, they were running at us.

Well, he told us to roll initiative.

So this is Gus's fault.

Yeah.

We can all agree on that.

Okay, it's Gus's fault.

If you can hear Ostephilin, it's Gustavo to roll himself.

I wasn't trying to attack you.

I was trying to make you attack each other.

It told us to roll initiative.

Well, I hope you all are happy with yourselves.

Yeah, I hope you're happy, Gush.

I'm not.

All right, so Siddhatia just kind of like shakes her head.

Don't listen to those stephelin.

But they talk.

I think they're just manipulating us.

It's working.

They're difficult.

Come on, let's continue.

Okay.

All right.

After a bit more trekking through trees and thick thickets, you all start to hear the soothing sounds of water lapping on shore.

You also notice more gnarly roots cropping up from the soil in this part of the forest.

Sadate holds up a closed fist with one hand and then a single finger to her lips.

Everyone roll a perception check.

Oh.

Kill us as the big lamp.

17.

16.

16 as well.

7.

Just subtract 9 from everybody else's.

10 for your suit.

There's a lot of purr checks.

Persuasion, perception, performance.

Chip, it's taking everything in your body not to make a sound.

You're thinking of a funny joke you heard earlier.

And

for some reason, it's just like really tickling you right now.

The other three of you, just past some trees up ahead, you hear footsteps, and you can make out two voices chatting to each other.

It sounds like one of them mentions something called corner cops, and the other says, Ma, have mercy on us.

And a moment later, Sadate lowers her hand.

It sounds like we're in the clear.

There were a couple of funnel

Fanal lotion?

Fanolotions?

Yes, the locals.

Are Fanolotions kind of like the same

thing as Nessie?

Like kind of aqua-faring creatures?

Yeah, what's a funnelotion?

Not always necessarily.

They're more bestial-looking creatures.

Bestial, as in like they're furry.

They can be.

And a cornicop?

Is that like...

That's what they were.

We thought they might be saying it.

Yeah, they might be saying it.

I might be saying it.

We did well enough to bypass Fondalock's defenses, but now comes the hard part, sneaking through town and reaching Sheath HQ.

Yeah, why do we need to sneak into this town?

The Fondalotians aren't fond of humanoids.

We have to deal with some more racist people.

The Fondolotians aren't fond.

We are currently sitting a few hundred feet from the shores of Loch Sessanus, and headquarters is due southeast at the shoreline.

But there are potentially several dozen locals between us and our destination.

We need to find a way to sneak through town unnoticed or blend in with the Fondalotians.

Usually I'm alone and well stocked with the resources from sheath but i'm afraid we are on our own until we sync up with hq

any ideas how do we blend in with them if we don't know what they look like well we just don't want to be noticed you said we were approaching water

is lock cessness along the shore this is this water is lock cessnis and there is water right like it's not dried up correct is uh you and you all heard the sounds of you know water lapping or hitting the shore well that's what i'm asking is is this a city that is on the land or is this a city that is on the water or on the land on the land okay yeah i realize in d d you have to you have to ask those kinds of questions perhaps we could uh could we approach it via the watto like swim across we can try that i wouldn't recommend that though there are many hazards in the water it would be more difficult okay is there anything we could maybe do to ourselves our person to make us blend in and not seem like humanoids if you have anything that helps disguise yourself i mean i have some concealer of unsightliness I'm not familiar with that, but we can try that, or we can try sneaking.

What's the concealer of unsightliness do?

Does it give it a zits?

It turns you invisible along with anything you are wearing or carrying on your person lasts for one hour.

Oh, dang.

That does sound like that would work very well, then.

Yes.

But that's got like one use.

I'm assuming it's just.

So that would cover one of us.

Another one of us has invisibility powers.

Well, I can't go invisible for one minute.

And

you just keep casting it over.

No, because it's a fourth level spell.

Do you have like a disguise kit or anything like that?

She hears you, Barney, and says, You could try sneaking along in the trees to close as much distance as possible and then use your ability for the final minute to run through the clearing to get to the entrance to Sheath headquarters.

Can I look up and see what, like, what's the light?

He wants to know if he can fly.

Yeah, is it dim?

Sure, because of all the trees, I'll say sure.

Yeah, I could fly.

Okay, I'll put on my concealer.

Chip is going to disguise himself, and then I assume Mat and Barney are going to fly.

Who is Chip?

And you look and Chip has already disguised himself.

I am Carl

from Fonilock.

Another human name.

Pleasure to meet you.

I can think you're like Gene Parmesan in Arrested Development.

He's got a crappy disguise on.

All right.

Everyone, make me stealth checks, but I'll tell you what, everyone have advantage, except for you, Barney.

Just make a normal one since you're normally disadvantaged.

And I'm flying up.

Mm-hmm.

Just because you all came up with some creative solutions here.

I did a 15.

Not 20.

30.

23.

I rolled a 1.

I critically fit.

I think a 30 is the highest sh check I think I've ever gotten.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

It's really impressive.

And that was a 1, Barney?

Yeah.

Well, luckily for you, this is a group check.

So everyone manages to do okay.

You all make your way, sneaking and trying your best to avoid the locals, and eventually you come upon an isolated copse of shady trees where you find a lonely stump covered in lichen.

Sedante looks around for a moment, then furtively steps forward.

She brushes off some moss from the trunk and you see it.

The sigil of sheath hidden in the grain of the bark.

Sedante reaches out into the air and grabs something just above the stump.

Then she lowers her arm into the stump and you all hear the soft sheathing of a blade.

The stump twists and lowers into the ground, revealing a spiral staircase beneath the earth.

Quickly now, everyone inside.

Okay, there I come.

You all make your way down the staircase into humid darkness until you finally reach the floor of a vague room veiled in shadow.

The stump and staircase twist back into place above you, thus extinguishing the last bit of light from the room.

A voice echoes in the chamber.

I wondered when you all would find your way down here.

I was beginning to think you were getting cold feet.

You hear the striking of a match, and a small flickering flame illuminates the face of a plump mustachioed man wearing a blue coat with a high collar.

Welcome, detectives.

I'm Director Carl Wazer of She.

What?

The Weezer!

I knew he'd be a good one.

Did we have a Colombo incident here?

Yeah, it seems so.

Find out who Columbo is on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

I knew it.

I knew we'd see Carl Weezer again.

Well, yeah, he was giving you your stipend.

You had to see him.

He's going to pay you.

Give me my money.

Get your money next episode.

Bye.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

So long.

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Hello, he she's and they're.

Pull up a seat, grab your tea, fill up your coffee, come and see.

Uh, well, with your ears, this rhyming stuff is hard.

The sun may be setting on the world outside, but here in the Stinky Dragon, the dawn of a new tale, a strange tale, a world of tomorrow, a world of machines, a world of bizarre powers and bizarre

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We can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show.

Listeners that interacted with us on social media and Discord had NPCs named after them this episode, like Zuzu Top was named after the Animal Overlord.

Also, want to thank some friends who provided voiceover for characters in this episode, like Siddhati Timpur, voiced by Patty Reisinger, Zuzu Top the Metalist, voiced by Alfredo Diaz at Alfredo Plays, and Weezer, voiced by Micah Reisinger, at Micah Reisinger.

This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst and written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger.

Head over to patreon.com/slash stinky dragon for allthing stinky.

Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

I can't get it where he just said ancestral milk.

I feel like you can get more fresh milk than ancestral almond milk.

Yeah.

But

it's a heritage.

I have no idea what that means.

Blaine looked around to see if anybody else had a reaction.

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