C02 - Ep. 41 - Vengeance in Vainia - Countess Your Blessings

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Best wishes, all you briganochs.

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Previously, our adventurers found themselves face to face with the Farney family and eventually climbed up into the clawstread.

Next they lapped in luxury, came upon curious creatures, and partook in prohibited pursuits.

Then they traveled to the triclinium for a convention and came upon a kindred countess.

Draw yourself a drink and let's dive into this dank drama.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Tales from the Stingy Tragon.

My name is Gustavus Roll.

I'm the dungeon master of our future party, and I'm going to hit them with an arrow.

We're going to be able to do that.

We made so much progress last week, though.

Here's the arrow.

If you were sent back to the beginning of the campaign and met your level one self, what sort of advice would you give them?

I'm John Reisinger, and I play Mati Confisti's the Ara Cochrane Ghost Monk.

And I have learned that if you just want to go first, you just got to speak loud and quickly.

Or talk about it.

Let's do it.

That's a real lesson for life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I were to go back in time and meet myself before this adventure, I obviously, without even thinking about it, would tell my former self, change nothing.

You are perfect.

You are.

And just to confirm, in about a week or two, you'll still be perfect.

And it's actually, you'll be even better perfect, which should not be possible.

But

it's still, you manage it because

you are, you are amazing.

Um, goodbye.

I've never related to Mateed more in my life.

You know what?

That is one of your superpowers, Gus, is you have self-confidence that I wish I could slice off a piece of.

Just do it.

It's like going first, just talk, just do it.

Just

your only, your only downfall is if someone tries to compliment you on how good you are, then you don't like that.

Best DM ever.

No, no, no.

Gus is confident in himself until other people point out what makes him good, and he's like, no, no, no, you're wrong.

He's got to turn his camera off the camera.

I'll go next.

Hey there, it's Blaine Gibson, and I play the Tiefling Grogue level seven Chip Haney.

Oh, gosh.

What?

I'm doing like five voices today, and that's that's.

If I had to talk to my, you know, level one self, I'd say, uh, you gotta pack more tidy-wideys, chip.

You didn't bring enough.

All right, you've been wearing the same ones over and over for the last week and a half, two weeks.

They're getting stinky.

They're getting rancid.

They're getting a little hard.

You know, you know, when like you wear clothes for so long, they kind of get a little starchy from your natural sweat suck.

No, just me?

Okay.

Well, anyways, I'd say

back more underwear.

I don't wear underwear.

No.

No, we've confirmed that Barney has underwear.

Oh, yeah, that is confirmed.

It's canon.

It's cannon.

Barney has.

Only wear underwear.

There you go.

There you go.

That's accurate.

Only wear underwear.

And your chain mail armor over that.

i'd also say uh get ready for the most traumatic experience of your life your wife will die it will be sad but also pack underwear yeah so is chip during downtime during short or long rest are just during long rest chips not washing his underwear uh

carol did all the laundry for me you know

i did the lawn and she did the laundry it just kind of worked out that way and i've just lost my my ability

you're doing the lawn during long rests then yeah yeah he just goes around and just like mows Every time we have a camp, oh, Gars, you wake up, it's got fresh flower bushes

in the nicest cut grass, Kentucky blue.

Oh, I think Goofy is making his way into Chip's voice today.

There's some goofy happening in there.

I was kind of thinking about what Chip was saying there.

With his, you know, thighs and his power walking, would that mean like the inner part of the thighs would be rubbed away like super threadbare?

Oh, bring talcum powder, bring baby powder.

That's the other piece of information.

The big three.

Underwear, your wife would die.

Talcum powder.

All right.

Who's next?

Hi.

I'm Krista Maris, and I play Barney Farney.

The human cleric.

Advice to give to my...

Hmm.

Oh, to be young again.

A week younger?

I'd say to appreciate your youth.

Every moment is precious.

You know, and when you get older, you know, things just don't work the way they used to.

You know, you don't recover as fast.

So just, you know, appreciate every moment of your youth.

One week.

What doesn't work as well now for Barney?

That worked better a week ago?

My knee.

Oh, your knee.

Both of them.

Many.

So that's a minus one on the AC for Barney then.

Knees not a lost dexterity.

I was going to say it was that drop that we made into the sewers on like episode like three or two.

It hasn't been the same since.

I also like how he's referring to his younger self, and it's like a week ago at this point.

Yeah.

Hey, it's all relative.

Very nice, Barney.

Are you done with your compassion booth?

Okay.

Hello, everyone.

It's me, Elga von Breath, star of Stinky Dragon podcast.

Here, back for another week.

Thank you for the subscription.

Played by Barbara Dunkelman.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to another episode, bra.

And I play the half-elf, vampire, barbarian, Elga von Breath.

And I think, you know, that to go back to tiny little Elga, tiny little level one Elga, I would tell her, baby, don't divulge that you are a vampire to Barney.

Never let him think that you're just a normal little girl who lives in a place full of vampires.

Keep the peace.

Not tell him earlier.

Just don't tell him at all.

At all.

Gotcha.

Because I don't think he would have figured it out.

I will say, though, I think that that's helping destigmatize the undead in Barney's eyes.

Let's do a temperature check, Barne.

How you feeling about the undead these days, huh?

Yeah?

This is a difficult question.

Difficult question.

I'm taking it to make this sound.

All right.

Well,

I care deeply for Elga.

Aww.

Thank you, Barney.

You heard it here first.

Barney Farney loves the undead, cares deeply for them.

Ding, dong, clang.

Ding, dong, clang.

Large bells ring in the distance and a voice brooms through the corridors.

Oh, maybe that's where my father is going to be and maybe maybe Dracula.

I don't think he really attends this, but maybe he'll be there this time.

Who knows?

Yeah, you all, you know, hear and then see like a bustling of counts, countesses, and their families rushing off down the hallway.

Let us follow.

Maybe also Count Vixie might be there too, so we should probably go to this.

But you guys, just don't make any sort of scene, okay?

Be cool.

When have we ever made a scene?

I ran out of fingers on my hand that I've been counting with.

I can't think of one.

Y'all make your way down the hall, and it's not long before you come upon an open door that leads into a triangular hall with crimson carpet and black stonework.

In the center is a dais, which is also in the shape of a triangle.

The crowds give no pause and continue to pour into the the hall, pushing and shoving you all closer to the dais.

And as they do, Elga, you see someone you recognize.

It's an eldish woman with dark features, black hair, and she's wearing a navy cloak, matching double-breasted tunic, along with eggplant pants and leather boots.

Around her neck is a red ascot.

She's standing near the center of the hall and her eyes meet yours across a sea of ampiric heads.

A look of surprise comes across her face and she moves through the throng of Vanians straight for you with a look of confusion.

Pardon me,

but are you Elga?

Yes, who are you?

I'm your

mother.

What?

I can't believe I'm actually seeing you.

What?

Mom?

What?

What are you...

I have so many questions.

I'm sure you do.

There really is so much.

Ding-dong clang.

Boom!

Out from the rafters above, a swarm of sprawl to descend with outstretched wings and they land onto the triangular stage clothed in red robes.

One steps forward.

The convention will now commence.

Unfortunately, Count Dracula is indisposed at the moment and is unable to attend this proceeding.

The crowd murmurs and you hear someone next to you scoff.

What else is new?

They have this totally not Photoshopped image of him with his kids to show.

Oh my god.

Second, if anyone wishes to vote on this year's vain variety award winner, please submit those ballots to your battlers as soon as possible.

The crowd murmurs excitedly, and you see several counts jot down notes and pass them off to their battlers.

Third, there have been reports of suspicious visitors in both Talesadoc and Clostrid.

Therefore, we advise you all to lock your doors until further notice.

The crowd whispers curiously, and everyone's eyes begin to survey the room.

Oh my goodness, who could that be?

Get him!

Fourth and final, a Vanian Vow tribunal will be held at the chiming of the dawn bells.

If anyone wishes to give testimony or provide evidence before Cantracula sentencing, they may attend the tribunal in the top level of Vamspire, Fang Pit.

It will be held in the capillary.

Any questions?

I kind of want to raise my hand.

Does that mean that Dracula is like being tried?

Dracula is giving the sentencing or performing the sentence.

And what's the set the sentence called you said it was a vanian vows tribunal yeah and you hear various voices calling out from the crowd who is the accused we have a right to know tell us yeah yeah

tell us the accused is count von broth

no further questions this convention is ajar and with a poof all the spiratu suddenly vanish into red mist but much of the crowd continues to linger mumbling and muttering to each other von broth this is absurd.

Indubitably, this is all just a misunderstanding.

Hmm, quiet.

Surely Conjacula should have been here to deliver such devastating news.

I don't know.

I thought the Loop Luna Noir was a bit understated.

Piquet is certainly going to the Draculi block.

Hmm, talk about a biting finish.

And the crowd starts to thin out.

Oh, they're talking about the Vain Variety Awards.

Yay.

Thank you.

Someone who's paying attention.

Give yourself an inspiration die if you don't have one.

When we used to have school assemblies at Yamford, go Yams.

You know, they had cheerleaders and they'd have like fun, like, you know, pep rallies.

This is a sad rally.

This is the opposite of the.

No, this is not a school.

What?

I thought this was the University of Ania.

This is kind of like, you know, like a HOA meeting.

Oh, Snooze Fest.

No, this time.

I feel like Chip would be really into the HOA.

I think so, too.

He was the chair.

I'd like to change my answer for the arrow question earlier.

Mateed would tell their former self that everybody you're about to join a party with has major family issues and maybe you should not join them and be part of this drama.

Y'all got dysfunctional family, weird problems.

We do, we do.

Hey, Maito, what are you talking about?

Nothing is weird about my family.

Micah says, this could be a university.

It's the UV.

Go sunburns.

Well, Chip wants to turn his attention back to Count von Brath or Countess von Brath?

There you go.

Yep.

I'm sorry.

Hey, it's Chip.

I've been, uh, I'm afraid of your daughters.

What's going on with I-I'm assuming your spouse?

He's on trial for what?

Yes, I heard that the Count was in trouble, so I decided to return to the vampspire.

I'm so happy to see you again, Elga.

So, you only came back because Papa was in trouble, but you haven't come back to visit me or Evaina in how long?

Well, it's complicated.

I've always loved you and Evena.

It's just that your father and I were having problems.

And after much deliberation, we decided it would be best to take some time apart.

So I traveled across Groteth, but I didn't mean to be away for so long.

Nevertheless, I'm here now.

200 years?

Yeah, some time apart being a few hundred years, no big deal, you know.

Chip,

be quiet.

I'm sorry, a little bit judge.

I mean, I just like Elga's so lovely, and he just, she just, you know, I teach their own, but she likes their lovely daughters, you know?

Like, that's really sad.

I'm very conflicted in emotion, but I still, I still very much missed you, mother.

And she gives her mom like a big hug around her waist.

Oh, yeah.

She gives you a big hug back as well.

Chip joins in as well.

These are my friends.

The Countess begins looking around as if searching for something.

Just then, Quiffley approaches you all.

Oh, there you are, Countess.

Quiffly, it's so good to see your face again after so so long.

Speaking of faces, Elga, who are your friends?

So, you met Chip already, he speaks for himself.

I'm Chipani, and then I have my friend here in Matit, Compys.

Bonjour.

They make very delicious, very tasty treats that I definitely enjoyed.

Elga, we don't have to keep the ruse up anymore.

I understand you don't eat that stuff.

And then

this is Barney.

Hello.

A pleasure.

This is my mother.

She, unlike a lot of people here, is not a vampire.

So you two might get along.

Who knows?

Wait, what is Countess Von Brath?

Is it elf?

Yeah.

But it's not a vampire.

Interesting.

So then has she aged?

I know that elves have slower

aging, but is she like...

Has she aged since you last saw her Elga?

Uh, you know, maybe a little bit.

Yeah, it would be, I think to your eyes, it would be almost imperceivable.

Yeah.

Because elves have such a long lifespan.

Do we have that picture still?

I think we did take it, right?

Of the picture we found in the in the

Elgeth.

Oh, yeah.

Do I recognize the picture as being Countess Wandbreath?

You quickly pull out the picture, and it does seem to be a striking resemblance.

So, mother, I have a few questions.

First of all, we found this picture underneath the in the library room, underneath like a little kind of hidden door in a chest all by itself.

Do you know anything about that?

She kind of like puts her hands over yours, kind of leans in and whispers, Let's keep that secret for now.

She straightens back up and addresses everyone once again.

Well, I'm charmed to meet all of your friends, Elga.

I'm so glad you made so many friends in my absence.

Now, your father would never forgive me if I didn't invite you all over to our manor for refreshments.

How about we talk there in private?

And you can regale me with stories about you and your friends.

How does that sound?

I think it sounds good, right, everyone?

I mean, uh, we do have to to figure out kind of what's going on.

I don't know why Papa is getting accused of something, and maybe we should try to stop that.

I'm a little defensive of Elga, so I feel like I think Gelga's actually kind of inviting you back to her home.

To be to be honest here, but yeah, that sounds like a jolly idea.

Can I lean in also a bit?

What do you know of Count Vixie?

Maybe we can discuss that further once we have some privacy.

If that's all right with you, Mr.

Farney.

John, let's go back.

Let's go back to Savannah.

Yeah.

Quiffly and the Countess lead you all back out into the hallway.

And while walking, Quiffley leans over to the Countess and whispers something.

Why doesn't everyone make me a perception check?

9, 21, 13, 24.

Wow.

Well, Chip, you don't catch a word of

what's said between them, but you do see the Countess nod to Quiffley.

Elga, you don't make out what Quiffley says, but you hear the Countess reply, Thank you for sparing us an embarrassing moment in front of our guests.

Then, Mate and Barney, you clearly overhear what Quiffley said.

You all press on, and in moments, you arrive at the prestigious Von Brath residence.

What does the door look like again?

Well, the door is black, and it has V B written in cursive gold leathering and has gems all the way down in vertical patterns.

Oh, right, right.

Of course.

The von Brath door.

Yes, I have a photographic memory of it.

Quickly opens the infamous door and welcomes you all into the palatial foyer, adorned with an immaculate marble fountain bubbling with blood.

On either side of the fountain are two respective chains, one with a ruby handle, the other with an ivory handle.

Quiffley chimes in.

Fun fact: Count Von Brath spoke with the marble on the fountain himself.

A man of many talents.

Anyways, may I take any cloaks, mantles, capes, or towels?

Yeah, I give him all of the costume.

I don't want to wear it anymore.

Okay.

I hold my bum bag of holding upside down and empty out a bunch of underwear and be like, I am in desperate need of laundering, please.

No, no, no.

It's just one pair of underwear, but it lands like a brick.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a plate like spinning.

One, one, one, one, one, one, one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a plate.

And it's just an awkward sound that we all wait for it to stop.

Nasty.

And if Mr.

Von Brath has any, I prefer briefs, but I'll take anything at this point.

Mateet casts Banish on his underwear.

No!

Miandies!

Miandes!

No!

Miundies!

Oh,

and I see you all

well stocked with weapons.

Uh,

may I relieve you all of your arms?

No, you're good.

No, thank you.

I hand Quiffli my spear.

Okay, yeah, Quiffley's arms are just outstretched for any weapons as well.

I'll take any healing you may have.

Do you have any healing potions?

Magic food?

At the moment, no.

My arms are filled with clothing and weapons, but I will work on something post-haste.

So, is the apartment like cleaned up and like tidied up now?

Yes, it is more tidied up now.

Since your friends were hesitant to hand over all of their weapons, you know, Quiffley leans into you, Elga, and asks, Ilga, are you safe?

Is this okay?

Oh yeah, these are my bros.

Don't worry, they're cool.

Okay, good.

Quiffley leads you eastward down a hallway made of glowing quartz into a posh parlor furnished with a marble countertop bar, jasper stone stools, a fire opal chandelier, and an organ with ruby keys.

Countess von Brass says, Please make yourselves comfortable.

Quiffly, fetch us the bottle of 9.30 Dragione Doce.

A voice calls from the hallway.

The 9.30?

I thought we we were saving that for when Dracula himself came to visit you.

A young girl with dark features, black hair, and piercing blue eyes silently steps into the room.

She's wearing a silk black dress with a blue sash.

Evena, is that you?

My, how you've changed.

Mother,

what a surprise to see you after so many years.

Evaina's attention turns to you, Elga.

Oh, and Elga is here too, my dear, sweet sister.

I thought you would never arrive.

I mean, come home.

Evana makes a dash straight for Elga with arms open wide.

Sister, I miss you.

Why are you being so weird?

Elga, make a wisdom saving throw at disadvantage.

Oh, Elga's saying the quiet part out loud.

Yeah.

So, six at disadvantage.

You're lucky.

Evana wraps her arms around you and gives you a super tight hug.

It's almost like

it's really stifling, so much so that you feel like even once once she lets go, it's difficult for you to move.

Like you're kind of stuck in place.

I think Barney would be alert at all of this.

Could he take a vibe check on all of them?

Like an insight check?

Yeah, you can.

Yeah.

Well, does that do any...

Do I have any conditions that you could think of it as paralyzed?

Okay, I missed you too, I guess.

That's an 11.

Yeah, she's acting weird for sure.

But all of them, like, not just the sister, but also...

I guess, yeah, you'd have to do an insight per person.

I was thinking of that as being an insight for Evaina.

You can do an insight check on Quifly and then one on Countess von Brath as well if you want.

All right.

There's a 16, I guess, for von Brath and then a 14 for Quiffley.

It seems like, you know, Quiffley's behaving much like earlier, maybe a little more formal.

You know, with Elga, he was obviously more relaxed.

Obviously, with Countess von Brath, he's a bit more formal.

As far as Countess von Brath, you feel like maybe she's holding something back.

Like, there's something more there, maybe that hasn't been revealed yet.

I rolled an inside check on Chip.

How's Chip doing?

I rolled a 21.

I want to go introduce myself to...

I rolled a 21 inside check on Chip.

What's my insight on Chip right now?

What's the Chip vibe?

Is this coming from me or is this coming from Gus?

No, it's from you.

21 on Chip.

He has his right hand extended as if he's prepared to shake hands and he's approaching Evaina.

So what's the vibe?

What's the vibe here?

This is a vibe check.

Oh, like danger sense is going off, but I think Chip kind of like susses things out by interaction and talking and getting information.

So, like, he like it's a balance of he want to be, he wants to be nice, entertaining, Mr.

Man, and then he also, like, the assassin things are triggered because he, I think he knows that something's up with Elga and that she's uncomfortable.

Okay, yeah, I think Evana would meet that handshake directly.

Grab your hand and also, yeah, shake it very far.

Pleasure to meet you, Chip Haney, Chip Haney.

Wow.

Tell me all about your travels.

How did you meet my sister Elka?

Oh, well, we met at the parade and we just, you know, went on a couple of

little adventures, met a dragon, my wife died.

How are you doing?

So you don't live in Vampspire?

Tell me, how long have you been a vampire for?

When were you bitten?

What was that like?

Well, you know, it's hard to remember because it's been so long since I've been bitten because I'm a vampire.

Because it's such a pivotal moment in all of our lives.

Everyone can tell the exact story of how it happened.

Please tell me in great detail.

Why don't you remind my friends of when you became a vampire first?

You talk first about your experience before they answer any questions.

Yeah, ladies, first.

You know that, Elga.

I'm not a vampire.

I have never been one.

Can someone do an insight check on Mateed?

Because Mateed is loving Avania.

Yeah,

Avania will do a vibe check on Matid.

Okay, so 17.

Would Elga know then, like, how Evana's there if she's not a vampire?

Evana is also part of the family.

Just like before she left, Countess Von Brath was also there, despite not being a vampire.

So even though they're not vampires, they're still granted access through the family, through the Von Brath family.

I would say at this point, Elga, you're starting to feel like a little more loosey-goosey.

Can I ready a spell?

Sure, what are you going to ready?

Firebolt.

Protection from evil.

Okay.

What's the trigger on that, by the way?

What do you mean by trigger?

Like, what am I ready for?

You're ready something, right?

So it's like,

what was going to cause you to cast it?

Anyone to make any sort of like aggressive move, especially Elga's mom, sister, or quifly, or if there's another third party that enters.

If anyone's aggressive, you're going to cast protection from evil.

Yeah, or moves too close to Barney.

What about like an aggressive handshake?

Would that trigger it?

Could, yes.

Could possibly.

What I was about to say before you said that was that Evena was gonna move over to Mate and kind of mimic Chip's walk and Chip's handshake, like almost maybe mocking you, Chip.

Oh, look at that!

Walks up to Mate and says, Oh, and how are you, bad person?

I'm Evina von Brath.

What's your name?

Beauchamp, Jeanne Fell Matique Confisius.

And might I say, I am loving your energy.

You bring quite a vibe to the room, and I am loving it.

Matique, confiscus!

It makes my mouth so small to say.

Oh, you're so cute.

Look at you.

Ooh, what about you?

I have never seen a vampire that looks like you.

A ghost vampire?

What a combination!

How did that happen?

Oh, I'm not a vampire at all.

Oh, Elga, you didn't tell me your friends weren't all vampires.

You didn't ask.

Is only Jeep a vampire?

I'm a vampire.

Oh, you're a vampire too.

Yes.

And Barney loves being a vampire, doesn't he, Barney?

Yes.

Go ahead, Barney.

Oh, Quickly's back with the bugs.

Let's have a drink.

Cheers to you.

Your friend Cheap seems so nervous, don't you, Jeep?

No, I'm never nervous.

I want to play some music on the organ right now and just continue this party going.

Chip, make me a wisdom saving throw.

Oh, okay.

I feel like there's like so much we have to figure out in this moment that we're not getting to.

That is a seven.

Chip, there's just something about Evena's charm you can't escape.

In fact, you could say you're charmed.

She's a cute little

person.

Yeah, it's just like something about her just really reminds you of Elga, right?

But about the old man, you said, What's your story?

My story's for another time.

I don't want to bore you.

I'd love to hear more about your uh, your and Helga's Elga's relationship.

Oh,

mine and Elga's relationship.

That is so funny.

That is a good one.

You do them so well.

Do them again.

This is great.

I like this game.

Elga, your friends, they don't even know your name.

I know.

But their stories are so fascinating.

I've never heard them before.

You think after so long of saying my name so many times, someone would remember if it started with an H or an E sometimes.

I've got to say, it is so nice to have playmates back in the house.

Who am I kidding?

We have four playmates in the house.

Now, Ivena, these are Elga's friends.

Surely they don't want to play silly games.

Aww, they're too grown up for children like us.

Right, Elga?

I love silly games.

Maybe they're just out of practice.

Or maybe they do like silly games.

What about you, Chief?

I mean, Count Haney.

How about the game of hide and sink?

Yeah, let's do it.

Do you want me to be the hider or the stinker?

Hide and sink.

Oh, sink.

Wait, what is how do you play that?

I'm not familiar with that.

It's so easy.

I am going to count down from 12, and all of you go hide.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Can Barney see how, like, Elga's reacting to all this?

Like, yeah, Elga, how would you be reacting to this?

Well, that's a good question because I, like, in my head canon, like, Avina wasn't like this always.

Like, it seems like there's something different about her, or, like, she's, I don't know, like, reacting different, acting weird.

So, yeah, it's definitely uneasy or, like, quizzical.

Yeah.

And kind of wondering if, like, the, the book.

that we found in her room with the page missing has anything to do with like maybe the way she's acting more like rizzical look at this little one.

She's a little whipper snapper.

She's just so adorable.

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You know, we're twin sisters, Chip.

Yeah.

That's equally adorable.

You know.

All right, so do y'all remember the layout of the house, or should I just go over that again for you guys?

I roughly remember.

Yeah, I think I got it.

It's like a there's a west and a east, and the west had Elga and Vena's room, and like a part in the middle, like a

unliving room,

and then on the east was Count Von Brath and Countess Von Brath.

Countess von Brath's place is where we found the photo underneath the little trap door.

Correct.

And it had like the place we're in right now, that parlor room with the piano and the stuff.

Okay.

Exactly.

You nailed it.

And then in the middle between them is that foyer where you come in where the fountain and the chains are.

So the way we're going to play it is Avina's going to count down from 12, which gives everyone two turns to move and or hide or do whatever you want to do.

So, let's go ahead and roll initiative just to put a little bit of order here into hide and sink.

Woohoo!

21.

205.

What did I roll?

12.

18.

And I'm gonna roll for Avena here.

So I got Chip at 21, Barney at 18, Evana 14, Mati 12, Elga 5.

Avaina goes up to the organ, you know, puts her head down on it, covers her eyes, and says, 12.

Does it sound like 11?

And Chip, you're up first.

What do you want to do?

I want to double move to the book room where that chest was hidden.

I want to hide under the rug thing.

Okay.

It's close enough where you wouldn't have to double move to get all the way down there.

You get there in a single move, and then at that point, you can start trying to open it back up to get back under there.

And I want to use stealth to make it as quiet because I'm sure that that would be a loud-ish process.

And even down to the footsteps, I want to use stealth to make sure that my footsteps and my movement are are untraceable.

Okay, make a stealth check.

Okay, I have advantage in stealth.

That is a 26 and a 11.

I'll take the 26.

Okay.

Is that it for you?

Yep, I'm just going to hide in that hidden box thing.

And since Davana is counting down from 12 and each round is six seconds, that means everyone will get two rounds to do something if you want.

Barney, what about you?

I'm going to harness divine power.

I can expand a use of my channel divinity to fuel my spells as a bonus action.

And I can regain expended spell slot up to level two.

Okay.

So I'm going to do that for my bonus action.

That'll give me a level two spell slot back and I'm going to...

Do I can I tell that chip's been charmed?

There has been no indication of that.

Okay.

And I'm going to cast Aid.

Aid, okay.

I think I would cast it on at second level and I cast it on me and Chip and probably Elga.

Okay.

And that increases their hit point maximum?

Yeah, it increases hit point maximum by five up to three creatures.

Okay.

That's not temporary hit points.

That's actually like increasing.

Increases their maximum and their current.

So they gain basically their maximum goes up by five and they gain five.

Yeah.

Cool.

Thanks, Barney.

GG.

Barney Farney's everyone's BFF right now.

BF, Barney, Farney, BF, BFF.

Anyone?

Good.

Come on.

Good.

Inspiration guy.

And then, did I see where Chip went?

Yeah, you saw him dart to the room to the south.

But

he was stealthy, though.

So even though you saw him go in that direction, you might have to try to find him to see exactly where he is.

Come and find me.

I think Barney would follow, try and follow Chip.

But give, give, and Elga.

I think give Elga and

Mate like a wide-eyed, like, I don't know, like, it's something's not right, look, and then go follow Chip.

Wait, who's seeking in this?

Avina.

Avina.

Okay, okay.

I just wanted to make sure.

Because she also rolled to hide, I thought.

Well, she rolled a check to see when she's going to go as well.

Or like, just so she knows, like, in the order of things.

And then, yeah, i think barney would also when he entered that room would also check the secret passage because not that many people you know know about it would he see chip if in there or so you're going in and just like that that was your goal to go into that room and check the door no like to go if he's gonna prepare you know look look to see if chip's there and then also then like i think if he's gonna hide somewhere he'd go to that room gotcha so you'd go in there and lift it but then you would see that chip is already messing with it yeah would i see chip at that point i would say yes because the member that little area was so small under the rug.

So I guess it'd be like, Chip, something's not right.

I know.

There's not enough hiding spaces in this place.

It's been such a great time.

It's been so long since I played hide and seek.

I'm enamored, remember?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

But would Barney pick up on that?

You could make an insight check.

This reminds me of during the pandemic when me and my kids were stuck in our tiny little apartment and they wanted to play hide and seek over and over again.

Oh my god, dude.

Yeah, how many spells were they trying to cast?

Yeah, my tiny little apartment that has like two bedrooms and a bathroom, and that's it.

And they loved it.

That was 22.

Yeah, Chip seems to be acting a little strangely.

A little too enthusiastic about the game.

Okay.

I already used my spells, so I guess I'll stay near him, but like, keep him in front of me.

Find your own spot!

Okay, that's it.

Can I try and hide in that room?

Yeah,

this room doesn't have a ton of stuff in it, but you can go you can try to find a spot to hide.

Do you want to make like a stealth check, or do you want to wait until next turn?

I'll wait till next turn.

Okay, so Venus turns she's still counting down.

Nine,

eight,

seven.

Mateed, it's your turn after Mateed is Elka.

Okay.

The circular pattern of these apartments would assume that they'd be on the exterior of the building.

Yeah, but there's no windows, I don't think.

Yeah, right.

Correct, but yeah, it would be exterior.

Okay.

Mateed will use incorporeal movement and pass through the exterior wall of the building or try to.

Waiting for Gus to tell me this place is magical and I can't pass through it.

No, you go for it.

Okay.

And then just hangs out outside and hovers.

Let me think about orientation here.

You would have to go out.

I'll tell you what, make me a survival check so you can determine whether or not you know which side faces out to the exterior wall.

Does it help that I have keen mind and I always know which way is north?

Which means I always know which way I'm facing.

No, because it's a spy roll.

So, like, if the exterior wall, I'm trying to think how in a practical manner how that would be.

Like, I'll just, you know, birds know how to head towards migration.

And so, I always know my location.

I know which way north is.

I'll give you an advantage on that survival.

That's a good gus.

I like

that's a nice man.

That's a very nice man because I rolled a one.

Oh,

let's see if number two roll.

I rolled two ones, Gus.

That really is number two two roll.

Hey, Gus.

I rolled two ones.

I'm going to roll a four-sided die here because I would think at this point, it's a one in four chance Mate would get it correctly.

If I roll a one, you guess correctly.

If it's a two, three, or four, it's in one of the other directions.

Okay, fair enough.

It's a one.

Yeah!

Congratulations on your poopy roll, John.

You know that in order to get to an exterior wall, you would have to go north, ironically, from your current position, up through Count von Brath's room on the far wall and go through there in order to reach the exterior.

Wonderful.

Since incorporeal movement is a bonus action, I could double move.

Would that be enough for me to make that distance?

Yeah, you might not even have to double move.

If you're flying, you get a lot of...

What's your move?

Your flying move?

So much.

Just so much.

Like, so much.

I haven't looked him forever.

It's like 60.

Let's just say it's 60.

If you're flying, you don't have to double move.

Yeah, it's 50, to be honest.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I'm just having a nice little, you know,

I'm getting some fresh air for the first time in what feels like forever in this stupid building.

It's nice.

It's very nice.

That's it for Mateep.

Yes, I use the rest of my turn to pet Gigi.

Give him little bird kisses.

Don't drop him.

You hear from that trap door?

There's a roar.

Marco.

Make an optimal handling check.

Oh, okay.

You dropped the cat.

Yep.

That's when Gus kills Gigi.

I wrote a one.

Oh, no, not for Gigi.

He's a ghost.

He can't die.

You do that thing where, you know, you

kind of try to scratch Gigi's stomach, but sometimes, you know, cats aren't into that.

So

he claws out at you and, you know, strikes at your hand as you're trying to pet him.

That tracks.

I take that gamble all the time because it's worth the gamble.

Let's see.

Low roll, bad, high roll, good.

Uh-oh.

Do a low roll.

Do a low roll.

High roll.

Over 10.

All right, it's fine.

You almost dropped Gigi, but you don't.

He floats.

He floats.

All right.

Elga, you're up after Elga.

We go back up to the top with Chip.

Would I have having lived here for my whole life, hundreds of years, I should probably know a good hiding spot by now, right?

Ooh.

Yes, and conversely, having lived here for hundreds of years as well, Evana knows all the spots too.

Ooh.

Mmm, check, mate.

Very true.

Now I'm worried my spot's not good.

It's just the most obvious spot to Evana.

I want to go.

I think I want to go hide in that trapdoor.

Isn't that where Blaine is?

That's where I'm at.

Yeah.

I feel like if we're together.

Everybody is going to this tiny trapdoor.

Or actually, no,

I'll go to Count von Brath's room.

Alright, so you head north in the same direction Mate went running up to Count Von Brass's room.

Yeah.

Yeah, this room, it's decorated with trophy after trophy of beast and humanoid heads mounted on the wall.

There's a marble shelf with goblets, chalices, stemware.

And this one, this room also has a bloodstone font that is empty of liquid.

Could I?

How big is the font?

We'll say it's fairly small.

So not enough for me to get inside of it?

You're small.

You could fit in there.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll crawl into the font.

Okay.

I'll make myself into a little ball.

I would turn into a bat, but I can't because it's only once per long rest.

Oh, long rest resets it.

Because we did a short one.

Yeah, it's long rest, unfortunately.

Would you have to hold your breath?

Slash, do vampires need oxygen to do that?

Well, it's empty.

It's empty.

There's no liquid in it.

Okay, got it, got it, got it.

That would be funny if I was just like,

I'll tell you what.

On top of that, Elga, why don't you make me a perception check?

Okay.

23.

Nice.

So, you know, you go over to curl up into the font, and as you're doing that, you also notice that you might have another option.

Okay.

There's a giant wolf skin sprawled out as a rug on the floor.

Maybe you could hide underneath it or inside it, but you can also hide in the font too.

I'll do the wolf skin.

Okay.

That seems like a more clever, less obvious brute than me in a giant bowl.

Would you want to go like under it, in it?

Is there any specific way you want to try to approach that?

Let's go in it.

All right.

You crawl in the giant mouth of the giant wolf skin and go inside.

You used to do that in your younger days, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, I'd hide in there, scare your dad.

Why don't you make me a stealth check?

Actually, wait, no, we'll do that next round because you're getting in this round.

Okay.

Okay, Chip, we're back up to you after Chip is Barney.

You know, you've moved the chair and the rug, you've opened it up, and you're pulling the box out at this point.

And Barney's walked up behind you.

Okay, there's been a lot of foot traffic in here, and obviously, everybody wants to come into this room.

And I just had the thought that this is a missed opportunity to.

You know, that room?

I think it's the dad's room where it's all the heads are on the wall?

I could have put my head through if they'd been sticking it out.

So if Mateen wants to steal this, you know, like in the cartoons when they like Scooby-Doo to stick his head through?

John's looking at me like that.

No,

I get the results you were aiming for.

What my facial expression was expressing was, how do you do that?

Do you know how to get in the walls?

Gus from memory.

What kind of roles do I need to do in order to are you going to get into the crawl space and then smash your head through a wall?

Yes, yes, yes.

Heck yeah.

Okay.

Or I could stay in this like hidden trapdoor room, but I mean, you know, there's no way that the kid doesn't know about it.

You would, I mean, the problem is you would have to break into the wall.

We don't know of a of a crawl space, but maybe we can find.

Okay, let's just start.

Let's just start doing some rolls and we'll

literally roll with it and see where we get.

Okay.

Make me an investigation check.

Okay.

All right.

I'm rooting for you, Blaine.

Just letting you just let you know.

You have one cheerleader here.

That is a.

Okay.

That's a one plus four or five.

That's a five.

He's rolling like me.

I'll say you go, you know, you get the idea and you look up and examine the wall, trying to see if there's like a loose brick or loose stone or a way to get in, but you don't see it all.

Seems pretty solid.

You think if you want to get in there and do that, you're going to have to smash a hole in the wall.

I mean...

Up to you.

Let's do it.

What kind of role do I need for that?

With what?

We'll say he's like brute strength.

He's trying, he's like...

Well, as of all being a fire fighter, I know how to remove walls in order to distribute the flame and to, you know,

stop it in its path.

You figure out very quickly that this is not a load-bearing wall.

Why don't you make it?

I pull out the stud finder, but I stick it to myself first, and I go, it looks like it's working.

Hey, that's just Blaine.

That's not trim.

Why don't you get me?

We made a short like that.

Why don't you get me a, make me a,

let's call it a strength check.

Strength check.

Okay, got it, got it, got it.

14.

14.

Yeah, you're able to pull a couple of stones out.

Maybe if you make a good dexterity check, we'll say you're able to squeeze your way in there.

Yeah, I got great dexterity.

I got great dexterity.

Saving thrower check?

Check.

Okay, just making making sure.

Just see if I can get you.

18!

Okay, yeah, you managed to wiggle your way into the wall.

I would say make me one last strength check to see if you can remove a stone to stick your head out.

And just so I'm clear, which room do you want?

Did you want this to be coming out of Count von Brassroom?

Well, the room with all the trophies.

I want to be like one of the higher up trophies.

That's Count Von Brassroom.

16.

16.

And make me a perception check.

Why would you do this to me?

Seven.

Okay.

Yeah, you're you're able to do it.

You line up, you find some humanoid heads, and you know, from the other side, you remove a stone and stick your head out to try to match the same level.

And what kind of facial expression do you give yourself?

Well, this is an audio-only podcast, so

like a deer caught in the headlights.

Like big bulging guys and going like, you know, like my mouth is kind of a gape.

Okay.

And you have the horns already.

I forgot to ask, when you left the countess room and you abandoned your initial plan, did you recover the trapdoor or did you leave it open since Barney was there?

Okay, if possible, I know that Barney wanted to check that space, so maybe I would assist him and then like close the door and cover the rug back over so it looks like it's undisturbed.

What do you mean, assist him?

Well, did Barney want to did Barney want to hide in there?

I would say, but his turn's after yours.

If you're doing all of this stuff, you would have to have done it before.

Then I would get out and then maybe put the carpet over in a way that when Barney closes the door behind him, it kind of goes flush with the ground and it falls.

Yeah, and it looks like it, you know.

Sure.

Speaking of Barney Farney, it's your turn.

Then after Barney is Evana.

Well, I have a question.

Barney understands that Blaine, Chip's been, something's gone to him.

Would he have not gotten a chance to roll to see if he's uncharmed?

Uncharmed?

What do you mean?

Like, for charm, do you not roll to, like, break it?

Like, how long does charm last?

I think it can be variable.

Let me see what the maximum duration.

The maximum duration is an hour.

Yeah, so it lasts for an hour, and there is no, like, no other saving throw for it.

Like, he doesn't keep checking.

There's no saving throw against it?

No.

I mean, he already made his save and failed it.

Maybe I want to be charmed.

Maybe this is a delightful experience for Chip Haney.

Chip's having a ball.

All right.

Well, then, Barney's going to harness divine power to cast Twilight Sanctuary, and it fills the area with dim light.

So it also makes it easier to hide, I assume, and then do that and also give himself bonus HP, I guess.

Barney's preparing for for war.

Yeah.

Okay, so

you're in the Encountess von Brass's room, you know, by the rug, and you cast Twilight Sanctuary, and this sphere of Twilight illuminates around you with a 30-foot radius filled with dim light.

Yeah, and I assume they would just make things darker for the area.

Maybe I don't understand how a sphere of dim light makes the room darker.

Yeah, I was about to ask.

That's what I said.

What?

Were the lights off?

I mean, I assumed the lights were on so that it makes the lights...

Would it not dim the lights?

You're adding a new source of light.

You're adding a

soft light.

Okay, I thought it would, like, it made

the light dim.

No.

Okay, well, then, never mind.

But I still do it.

And then I guess with my bonus action, I'll go and get in.

I guess I'll get in that trapdoor thing and use my telekinetic shove to pull the thing, the trapdoor to close and stuff behind me.

Oh, that's smart.

What are you going to do with the box that was in there?

Didn't we take that?

No, you took the picture that was in it, and then you put the box back in.

Okay, and there's not room for both of us.

It's just a box.

It's a very tight space.

Okay, then I'll just try and hide.

I'll leave it where it was, but I'll keep the rug open so it looks like it was in there and then hide somewhere, like someone's been in there and then hide, I guess, somewhere else in the room, if that's possible.

Sure.

Let me read you a quick description.

So it's a room filled with bookcases, shelves of books, tomes, maps, sky charts, and scrolls.

There's the rocking chair, the rickety rocking chair sitting sitting on top of the rug.

I guess you maybe you could try to hide over by like the bookcases or behind a bookcase or something.

Yeah, I guess I'll try and do that if there's a spot where to hide under the bookcase.

Or if there's like a spot in here, I'll go to the other room and hide.

The one that Chip went into with the heads.

You tell me.

I feel like you're already doing a lot of things.

You're, you know, casting, you're looking at the space under the rocking chair, you're looking at the bookcases.

Commit, Chris.

Commit.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

From Barney's memory, would he know of a better spot with a better hiding spot?

Like in the other rooms?

That's subjective.

Make a wisdom check.

Does he get advantage because he's an old man?

He gets advantage because he's a cleric, so wisdom is his forte.

That's 20.

You think that your best bet is either going to be in this room or in the count's room, but you worry if going to the count's room may take so much movement that you may not have enough time to hide.

Alright, then I'm going to hide in this room and I guess behind the bookcase as best I can, if that's the best spot for him to.

He just topples the bookcase.

I'm gonna say he like holds a book in front of his face.

I am a book.

Make me a stealth check, Barney.

I have disadvantage on that.

Oh, right, because you're armor.

Uh, that's a tent.

It's probably not great.

And make me a perception check, as long as you're at it.

18.

Yeah, you hide by the bookcase, and you realize that you...

A lot of these books are in unrecognizable languages to you, but it seems to, it seems like they're all relevant to or they're all related to the subject of different schools of magic like conjuration and divination magic and things having to do with the the planar arts it's a vaina's turn six

five

four

matid after matita's elka are you still uh outside playing with gigi or anything else you want to do i'm gonna take another stab at this animal handling check

i will not let that slide just 13.

okay gigi releases and does that thing where you know the kitten puts its paws up and then kind of like playfully pounces on you or you know closes its paws around your hand when you scratch its belly.

Yeah, yeah.

And I feed him a little piece of old croissant.

Ooh.

Is it ghost cat?

Yes.

Is it still like food?

I don't know.

All right.

I like to imagine Mati just went back to Parish or whatever.

Yeah, just like

yeah.

I don't want to like tempt fates, but I almost want to like roll like a like a D4 and just decide.

You could be at Parish by nightfall.

You see it like way up on the horizon.

I can see it.

It's there.

Oh, it was so nice there.

There were no doors.

It was just everybody was a ghost.

Wonderful cheese.

Simple times.

You pull up Thrillo or some home buying app to see what the listings are like there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think about franchising, you know, my

petisserie.

No, yeah, I uh

I don't know.

What?

I don't, there's nothing I want to do.

I'm, I'm gonna work on my flying tricks.

After Mateed Elka.

All right.

So, yeah, you're uh in the uh warm safety of uh the the dire wolf skin or the not dire wolf, the giant wolf skin.

Yep.

Oh, sorry.

I just read something on one of my inventory things that I could do to just use this time just for benefit.

Uh, I have the the muffin of stardust.

Apologies, Barbara.

No, go for it.

I can use a bonus action to regain key points equal to a roll of my martial arts die.

What's a martial arts die, Gus?

Let's see here.

Okay, so as you gain monk levels, your martial arts die changes, depending on what level you are.

So what level are you level seven right now?

I think I'm level 15.

It changes colors.

Sometimes you start with green and then you move up to like a red or a blue and eventually you work your way up to a black.

Yeah.

At level seven, your martial arts die is a d6.

Okay.

I'm going to trust you on this one this time.

Once you hit level 11, that's when it changes to a d8.

Okay.

I got three key points back.

That's powerful.

Yeah.

It's a good muffin.

Delicious.

All right.

I'm done playing with my muffin.

You may go, Cabra.

All right.

Elga.

I hear that in a distance and I feel a need to provide a muffin.

I guess I just keep hiding?

Sure.

You can make me a stealth check to see if what you're hiding is like.

I don't think I really have anything that could help me in this situation.

I don't think raging is going to help me very much.

Stay hidden.

Yeah, so I'll just do a stealth check.

Yeah.

Okay.

You don't have any forms of the beast that are really good at like hiding?

I'm going to use my inspiration die.

Okay.

Which role?

Oh my god.

Could I keep the 10 or do I now have to have the fail?

I'll let you pick from between them.

I'll do my 10.

I rolled one for a though.

Dusty down there.

She sneezes.

This is a cursed episode.

That's a lot of ones rolled in.

We had a lot of 20s the other week.

Now

we've swung back, you know, to the other side.

Balance is being restored.

And Matin, I didn't make you make a self-check because you went through the wall.

I mean, you're

outside floating, so I figure.

I don't think they need one.

Yeah, you're probably okay.

Three,

two,

one,

zero.

Ready or not?

Here I come.

Evaina begins prancing around

the room.

Who would see her?

I guess Chip might see her and Barney, depending on how well he's hidden.

I assume Elga can't really see because she's inside the giant wolf, and Barney's covering his face.

That's my head cannon.

Barney's covering his face with a book, like hiding in the bookcase.

But I'll say both Elga and Barney, you can hear like small footsteps looking around.

Is someone in here?

And you hear some rustling in the parlor, like wood moving around.

Nobody's hiding there.

Barney, you hear the footsteps get louder as she comes into the room.

As she's, you know, walking around Countess von Brath's room, Barney, you hear the Countess and Quiffley walk into this room as well.

Seems like they're talking to each other.

Evana's looking around.

How about in here?

And you see her, Barney, lift the rug and look in the hatch where you were going to hide initially.

Oh.

She knew about it, huh?

Yeah.

And then she replaces it and covers it up again and begins wandering around more.

Barney, you hear her leave to the north and Chip, you see her walk into the count's room.

And Elga, you hear the steps get louder as well.

As she, you know, begins looking around.

Chip, you can very clearly see it looking around inside the font.

And then she goes from the font up to the humanoid heads on the wall and begins examining them.

What is the check?

What is the check?

Please give me a stealth.

What is is the check?

Come on.

Chip, you did roll a 26 on your stealth.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She walks up to a particularly ferocious looking orc that has its mouth open like in a battle roar and she like, you know, pricks her finger along one of the bottom fangs of the head.

Ooh, pointy.

What a little freak.

You all hear Evana continue walking around, maybe going back out to the foyer.

Can I cast some visibility?

Greater invisibility.

You can, but I will say it does have a verbal component, so you might have to whisper some words in order to cast the spell.

But at this point, like I said, she's walking over to the foyer, so you might be able to.

Okay, I guess I'll do that.

On myself.

Okay, make a stealth check to see if you're able to keep your words quiet.

That's a seven.

Okay.

Yeah, you hear some footsteps running back to where you are.

Navena re-enters the Countess's room and continues looking around.

But as she's walking in, Countess von Brath, you know, kind of like grabs her and turns around and goes, not right now, honey.

And like kind of pushes her back outside from the room that you're in make me a perception check chip okay probably gonna fail that's a

eight

I will never score above ten on perception

I don't know if you ever have

from your perspective chip you see something super bizarre it looks like a vana crawls up the wall onto the ceiling in that parlor where you all initially were and then

instead of just one evaina now there are three of them

And they dart off in different directions.

One of them goes into the Count's room, one of them goes into the Countess's room, and one of them darts off back to the foyer where you enter.

Chip no light, chippino light.

Clang, clang, clang, clang.

You hear the sounds of large bells chiming, but they sound different to the ones that were ringing earlier.

And with a poof, shrouds of red mist start materializing in all the different rooms of the manor, and with them, the Sferachu.

Evena begins screaming, Help!

Help!

Invaders are hiding in our our home!

That's awesome!

We've been duped!

All right, everyone, re-roll initiative.

Oh, my gosh.

And we're gonna deal with that in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Oh, little Zayata.

But I'm so charmed, I'm like, ah, that's props, you know.

Little rap scallion.

Little rascal.

I rolled a 19.

All right.

We'll make a note of that.

I'll get that next episode.

All right.

Well, thanks for listening, everybody.

I had a lot of fun with Avana this episode.

I hope everyone else did too.

I'm a big Avena head.

Yep.

I am so confused by my sisters being so weird.

And why are there three of them?

Maybe we'll get some answers in the next episode.

I'm a quadruplet.

Surprise.

You're the only one that's different looking.

Yeah.

Elka's just built different.

Alright.

Bye.

Bye.

There are many ways little stinkers can support the show, commenting on social media, rating some podcast services, interacting with us in Discord, or telling friends about the show by word of mouth.

Stinkers like Angus JB, The Warrior slash The Warrior 1776, At Shadow of Avilar, The Skippy, Lord Baxter28, and Rayleith and the little ones Remy and Kayden.

Listeners that interact with us on social media and Discord also have NPCs named after them in this episode, like Quiffly, Elga's Battler, named by at Ari the Ace, voiced by Ben Ernst at Halcyon underscore Ben.

Additionally, Evaina von Brath is voiced by Kristen Nelson at Kristenolin, and Countess von Brath is voiced by Patty Reisinger.

I know who those people are.

The Stinky Dragon channel is managed by Ben Ernst.

This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Kai Cook, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by David Sonye.

Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Ding dong clang.

Ding dong clang.

That's the final audio, but it's not going to be replaced.

I'm dancing.

I'm dancing this cool song that got this playing in order.

Ding dong clang.

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