#634: The Wafer Hour

We got Tom here who's sad.

Aw, Tom.

And the smell.

I'm bringing the kids to soccer.

I'm cooking this.

I'm cleaning this.

Shut the fuck up.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

We've got a packed house today here, Q.

We sure do.

We do.

We got Walt Flanagan, of course.

Yeah.

Of course.

Of course.

Walt is here.

Yes.

We got Tom.

Hello, fellow.

Hey, T-O-M.

Yeah, the T-O-M.

Who is suffering.

He's not here to talk overkill.

He's here to talk real life.

Yeah.

Told me he's in a state of a downspiral.

Really?

His changes.

He's going through his changes.

He's going through his changes.

Getting the hot flashes.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know anything about his midlife crisis.

Yeah.

The only thing I know about it is he's harassed me like three times.

I still want to come on and talk about my midlife crisis.

Oh, wow.

Who needs help.

When could I do my midlife crisis?

When could I come in and do the midlife crisis?

Is that what I said?

Or did I say I know you're looking for content so I can come on and talk to my midlife crisis?

Whichever way.

So it better be a legit midlife crisis or you want to face a major backlash.

You are going to be fucking eviscerated online.

More so.

You were looking for content, and I said, what if I talk about this?

Well, I assumed it was a real midnight crisis, and most people don't.

I mean, I think that was your way of minimizing it.

Like, hey, I'm really suffering, but here I'll try to phrase it in a way that looks like a look like a puss.

We got Josh here, of course.

The cleaner man.

Yeah, yes.

The cleanup.

Yeah, I walked in the office.

It doesn't look that much cleaner.

Okay, all right.

On the front, no, but you got to go to the back where he's made some headway.

Although, Like, how many times have you been here so far to make that level of progress?

Maybe three or four.

Yeah, Rome wasn't built in the day, Q.

Yeah, no.

That mess didn't happen overnight.

No, it did not.

You didn't notice right when you walked in, like, the tables where...

No,

my eyes still went to the pile, the avalanche in the corner.

I was surprised.

I thought Giddam was going to stay overnight and bang it out and show everybody.

You don't know Giddam.

No, I can't.

You don't know Giddim.

Giddam is Mike List, by the way.

Okay.

That's probably on purpose.

Okay, I'm sure.

Yeah.

I thought the shame would work, but it didn't.

I think it's more likely that he's behind the scenes sabotaging Josh and like collapsing things later in order to make sure that, look, even Josh couldn't clean it.

Like, how could I do it,

yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I've been taking pictures as I go just to make sure.

But I, like I was showing Brian earlier,

I found stuff that has just appeared.

Yeah, like suddenly the TV's back there because the TV broke, so the TV's back there now.

There's chip bags, like potato chips that are filled with empty soda cans, like just shit and food and garbage.

That I'm like,

what kind of fucking maniacal mind is like, instead of throwing this can out in the garbage, I'm going to stuff them into this potato chip bag and then secret them away in the back room.

It doesn't make any sense.

There has to be a reason.

There's a reason.

There's a reason.

Whether we can relate to it or understand it.

I have no idea why, though.

So how do you feel it's going so far, though?

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

I'm surprised at what I'm finding at times.

Find it any treasures?

You did find a fucking iTunes card.

And get this.

Yeah.

Our office, you find a fucking iTunes card buried in the garbage.

Shouldn't it belong to the proprietor?

Somebody can't just be like, oh, that's mine.

Like, get him is like, well, that's my garbage, and that's my fucking Cheeto bag.

So that means that's my iTunes card, too?

Is that what happened?

Because I said, I asked, I said, I didn't want to claim it immediately.

I was like, what, is this your, is this your iTunes card?

And he goes, probably.

Right.

Probably.

Okay.

There's also like all

like $2.

I think it was unused.

It could be a $50 to $100.

Oh, okay.

There's all sorts of unopened mails.

He's going to guilt it to me now.

I don't want your pity iTunes card.

Gracious, he is.

There's no joy in that.

Just finding it, though, it's like finding a $20 bill in your pocket.

It's empty.

I think finders keepers.

Honestly.

Oh, then it's like.

Oh, there's nothing on the card?

Oh, he's saying there's nothing on the card.

So why is this still here?

So why is it saved?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why is it here then?

That's the question.

He doesn't know.

Why is the broken TV still here?

Well, he's going to fix that, he says.

Sure.

He's going to buy a circuit, but he's a TV repairman now.

Fucking 2025, he's repairing TVs.

Yeah, I'm finding money all over the floor, too.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

You're keeping it?

All kinds of.

Where are you storing it?

Well,

I put some of it up by the microwave.

I was going to stack it all up, and I saw that there was a change jar out there

that you can put the money into when it counts it.

It's still in the box.

I thought I would pull that out at some point.

But then today I noticed

the tip jar for the website

to queue.

So you just put it in there.

I'll just put it all in there.

That's good.

That's fair.

Change and dollar bills are just all over the floor.

Run any of that by me first.

If it's bills, I'll take them.

And then just put the change

in the queue, the internet thing, whatever that is, whatever jar you were talking about.

Yeah.

What do we want to talk about today?

There's so much.

I wrote down a whole bunch of stuff.

We got Tom here who's sad.

Oh, Tom.

Yeah, he's brokenhearted.

What's going on?

I'm going to go to first.

Now,

you don't have a close-knit

type group that you can bring your.

I guess they're all the same age, so they can't really help.

We're older and wiser.

Exactly, yes.

Older and wiser.

So I need people who have already gone through the experience to guide me and give me a roadmap through it.

Gotcha.

Your loser friends aren't going to help you.

That's right.

Yeah.

How old are you, you getting?

So I turn 43 next Wednesday.

Okay.

So 43.

Oh, man.

So that's like a big bump in the road, huh?

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's your middle.

Is 43 a tough age?

Well, it's getting up there.

You know, it's getting a little bit edging closer to 45, midway half point to 50.

I remember those days.

You know,

and what's the darkest thoughts that have been going through your head?

It's more.

John Listana.

What is going on?

John Listana's family.

It's more like, what am I leaving behind?

You know, what have I...

What are you missing?

Yeah, exactly.

Between what am I missing and what am I...

Your legacy?

A lot of things that I've started that I haven't finished that, you know, maybe you guys could decide which one I should do.

And Justin, you know, what else am I missing?

There's a lot of things that I've never done in my life.

Is there things, though, that you want to do that you know

may not

go over well if you do them with other people in your life?

No, I can't answer that.

Yes.

You're not going to get to Ms.

Smith.

No, I don't think it's like, you know, leave my wife or anything like that.

Well, you know, leave her, maybe just go on a date with somebody.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

In the marriage department, that's perfectly happy.

No.

I think it's more, you know, as you get older, you know.

Really?

I would think, though, if that department is happy, then everything else just falls by the wayside.

Like, isn't that

you've said that forever?

Happy wife.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, just because you have what?

You haven't finished a couple of jigsaw puzzles, and now you're right.

Yourself off the top of a building.

Jigsaw puzzles, all right.

I can just go home now.

Yeah, you guys solved it.

What is it?

Like, what are you talking about?

What type of things?

Well, I mean, as far as like unfinished things,

I always wanted to, you know, when I was late teens, I did taekwondo for six or seven years, but I never got my black black belt.

Right.

So, you know,

am I too old to go back to that?

I think so.

Probably too fat.

Well, so that's my next thing

is that, you know, over the course of the last five or six years, I've lost over 100 pounds, but I'm not finished that.

So should that be my

end goal of to finish what I started with that?

Yes.

Well, how interested are you at getting in shape?

That's the question.

I would say I'm...

Because taekwondo is probably hard without being in shape, right?

It's harder.

It is, yeah.

So I figure I got about 50 pounds until I get to what I want to be at for a healthy weight.

How long did it take you to lose the 100?

About a year.

And then like the rest of it kind of just like at that point, it just sort of plateaued for a couple years.

You know, things got in the way.

You know, the kids got older.

I heard there's a new drug on the market that you can take.

Deozempic?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you considered it?

No.

That's off the table.

I don't take any drugs whatsoever.

So I'm pretty much with Walt with aspirin as well.

We're on a bunch of fairies.

You guys?

Curator.

We're in Key West.

I say curator, like the chillest guy in all of Key West, sitting there without a beer, without a joint, just fucking taking it in.

Just relaxing.

I mean, I'll drink the occasional, like, like alcoholic beverage.

Okay, well, then that's not that's not straight edge, then.

I'm not straight edge.

All right, then get the hell out of here.

I said,

you've done more drugs than I have.

Really?

Yeah.

Zero.

I did all my drug taking was within like a six-month span.

Okay.

Still 42.

All right, so maybe that's what we do then.

Maybe we go

re-roll up to Nork, get you an eight-ball.

So we're skipping like horrible, or we're just going straight to it.

Snort it in front of us, and we'll take care of you while you go on your trip.

Oh, okay.

And you can practice taekwondo.

And how's this helping me?

I don't know.

It sounds like you want to do some drugs, it sounds like.

I don't think that's what I want to do.

Do you?

Because I do feel like I'm too old now to do Coke.

I'll probably have a heart attack.

I always did want to try it, never did because I was too scared I was going to have a heart attack.

So now it's not like that's too late for me now.

You know.

But a young man like you.

No, sir.

That was the relationship.

That was the Reagan administration trucking trying to scare you, not doing Coke.

Your heart was going to explode.

It was Len Bias having that heart attack.

But he also was a fucking doing

truckloads of Coke.

You couldn't score a fucking thyme

in high school.

No, that's true.

Yeah, no, I don't have any desire to try anything like Coke or heroin or anything like that.

Well, then you really aren't having a midlife crisis.

You got to do something dangerous.

You got to do something fucking

out of character.

Oh, that's what it is?

I mean, add a character for me is I've never been to a concert.

So out of character for me, I'd be going to a concert.

Skydive?

With the Joshua?

Skydive.

Skydive.

No, that's too crazy.

So what is it?

What is it?

Karate and losing weight?

I mean,

there's a lot of things.

I just feel that, you know, like I started writing a book, I never finished it.

I think it's a lot of like unfinished things that I'm looking for guidance.

So, did you feel,

did you complete any of the things when you guys were going towards it, or did you just say, no, fuck it, and just stay in there and listen to the TV?

Yeah, he doesn't listen to TSD.

There's a

well, I know Brian's answering.

The street is paved with unfinished

projects, yeah.

But do I know now?

ideas that never see the light of the like that ever see fruition yeah you know what we should do

I think a lot of those projects that you start when you're younger are about finding yourself right okay and now you're kind of here kind of midway through the whole thing

you're running out of time doesn't seem like it but you are so you got to make the list about like what you want to do i i think losing weight is is a slam dunk like it's only going to improve every aspect every single aspect of your life will be improved.

And, like we were talking about earlier, it's not only for you, for your kids, too.

Yeah,

and your wife.

That is true.

Yeah.

Here's a simple fix: something you, you know,

why don't you get contacts and lose the glasses?

That alone changes everything.

You can't do it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I can't do it.

Oh, let's see what the glasses off.

He looks like a movie star without the glasses.

He does.

Look at this matte idol now.

He does.

Eyes all closed.

High-nose fucking deeper eyelashes.

Look at those fucking Coke bottle glasses.

You were a bunch of fairies before this, but

you use like long eyelashes, eh?

I do.

Yeah, they're very

much black.

You take those glasses off, you might have too many honeys to beat off with a stick.

That has a new problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, because everyone's like,

if you're in taekwondo and glasses, people are like, here's some nerd that has to try to protect himself.

But he has the glasses off.

It's like, here's the ton of people.

Mo honeys, mo problems.

You know,

oh, yeah, you're right.

You gotta look out.

You take those glasses off.

She wants some glasses, fucking

gone to your forehead.

Definitely, you got the Superman shit going on.

You got the colored hair.

You look totally different without the glasses.

Gotcha.

I'm not kidding around.

Why, and you haven't considered Trush?

I think I would try that.

I can't touch my eyeballs to put in contacts.

No.

I'm the same.

I've tried it.

It freaks me out.

How long can you keep contacts in?

It's the longest you can go without taking them out.

I I think like, what, like a day or two, I think.

I thought you have to take them out at nighttime.

There are some that you can sleep in, I believe.

But I remember I had them and they always dried up anyway.

I'm not going to wear contacts.

I saw like a video where this woman had like 42 contact lenses.

It just kept rolling into her eyes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to do that.

But what if I can't remove it then?

If you can't take it out?

Yeah.

Sometimes it will slip into the back of your eye and you have to get somebody to help you out.

That's pretty rare, though.

I thought I was the timid mouse of TSD Town.

It's Tom.

I thought I was the guy who fucking wouldn't put his toe into any fucking body of water.

I look like a fucking.

I look like Tom Cruise on the set of Mission Impossible 15 compared to Tom.

Correct?

Right?

I mean, it's fucking pathetic.

Just look at the head.

That's what he's doing.

Yes.

I don't want to be 43 and pathetic.

I want to stop pathetic at 42.

That's why I've come to you guys.

Like, everything we say, you're like, no, can't do that.

No.

Can't put contacts in.

I mean, to be fair, suggested driving to Newark and getting an eight ball coke.

That'll put hair in your chest, though.

You walk up to somebody you don't know, and you're like, hey, I want to score some Coke.

Guy right there, it's even better than doing the Coke.

You just walk it up to a total stranger.

Yeah.

If it makes you feel any better.

You got to hold a big fat lot of fucking bills in your hand while you do it.

Don't even put it in your pocket.

I better use the taekwondo first.

If it makes you feel any better, my mother went skydiving at 60.

Yeah, I don't know.

Walt's already ruled that out.

That's almost my age.

Yeah.

What made her go skydiving at 60?

My brother was doing it, so I was 30 at the time.

I went, she went, and my brother went all on the same plane.

So you've skydived?

Oh, many times, yeah.

Well, when I did it once, I did it a lot after that.

Addicted to the adrenaline.

Yeah.

That could be fun.

It's so much fun.

Yeah.

Do you you like to fly?

Are you afraid of flying?

I'm not afraid of flying.

No, no, no.

I've flown.

Are you afraid of jumping out of planes?

Jumping out of planes?

I don't know.

I mean, I.

Don't feel bad.

It's not something I would do.

Yeah, I don't know.

I worry, just like, God forbid, I've heard a lot of stories about people.

I did it once, and I wouldn't do it again.

Not because it was an awesome experience, but like there's a lot of points where your life's in someone else's hands.

And I just think, like,

got it.

I got it.

I went bungee jumping and swore I'd never do it again.

Yeah, you did that in Australia, right?

Yeah, I did it in Australia with Moj, and we I jumped off, and I didn't know that when once you hit the bottom, you bounce back.

Well, I knew you bounced back, but I didn't know you started to spin.

Oh,

holy shit, was I sick for hours after that?

Hours.

No idea that was going to happen.

I'm not sure your body produces adrenaline.

You're so bioexploited.

Estrogen in the AIS

with those fucking eyelashes.

You can belly get that long fucking if you got a lot of estrogen in your body.

You're oozing it like a fucking clown.

It's coming out of a faucet puss

out of an open sore.

I think these guys will be a little hard on that.

I'm going to be honest.

I do think they're coming out of your heart.

You came here, look at the help.

So far, you've gotten a healthy dose of mockery.

Well, I think it all takes on to like these things that are unfinished.

You just have to maybe prioritize them and say, okay, here's what I really want to do.

I remember when my grandmother was very old, she was in her 90s, and she's like, I always wanted to go to Maine, and I never went.

God, it's such a simple achievement.

It's so easy.

Yeah.

The next summer I went to Maine because I was like, I've always wanted to go to Maine.

Did you bring her?

No.

That's on her.

Your mistakes are your own.

Oh, there's no way I could have dragged her around there.

But yeah, she's like, I always wanted to do that, and I never did.

And I'm like, wow, what a simple thing to have achieved.

But I guess you just didn't want it badly enough.

But you don't like music, so why would you ever go to a concert, right?

Well, I mean, is it kind of like the experience of like, I've never done that.

And I think I would rather do a concert over, you know, like an eight ball Coke.

So I think if I was going to pick one thing new to do, it would be like a concert over that.

Is that for a guy who loves music and has been to countless concerts?

Is that like a foreigner?

Yeah, how does that compute in your head that this guy has gone to a concert?

Yeah, it seems unusual to be in your 40s and to live in New Jersey.

So close to New York City and the PNC is right there, the Philly's right there.

You're blessed with opportunities.

To be fair, big cities scare me, so that's probably the reason why I haven't gone there.

Right.

But there's plenty of, like, you haven't even been to a show in a bar with people playing?

You've never heard live music.

I mean, I'm sure there's been live music at a bar, but does that really count as a concert, though?

No, I'm just trying to get a sense for what's not.

It ease into it.

Yeah, it ease into a concert.

Well, has there ever been anybody that you wanted to see in a concert?

And didn't?

I don't think so.

I don't think there's anything.

Well, here's the thing.

Because listening to you and just thinking about what I went through in my 40s and stuff,

and

I've come to a place where, because you do have that list of shit you never did.

Go to Maine, go to a concert.

But I think for me, it became more about like realizing what on the list I didn't give a fuck about.

Like, I always wanted to go see the pyramids, right?

And I just got a certain age.

I've seen so much shit in my life that I'm like, I know what it's going to be like.

I'm going to stand there.

It's going to be fucking hot.

I'm going to see something I've seen a picture of a billion times.

I'm going to be like, wow, it looks.

And the smell.

It looks like a picture.

You know what I mean?

Why would it have a smell?

You know.

But, like, my point is, like,

you get enough similar experiences where I'm like, look, would it be cool?

Sure.

How much do I really give a fuck at this point about going?

And, like, then you're, that's how I check things off the list.

Not even that.

You even take into account what it would take to get there.

Yeah.

But the process is like, I'll look at the pictures.

And I read this, I read this somewhere, and I wish I could remember where.

Maybe it'll come to me eventually.

But somebody wrote that

the fear of missing out makes no sense whatsoever because people are like, oh, I never saw the pyramid before I die, or I never went to Maine.

It's just like, you're missing out on everything.

Like everything that's going on in the world right now, you're missing out on.

You're missing out on everything at all times.

So you should jettison the idea of like, I'm never going to get to see the pyramids because like you're also never going to do a billion fucking other things.

So I think like once I got that in my head, I was like, oh yeah, like there's no way I'm ever going to fucking do everything anyway.

So it comes down to like what makes you

happy.

And I don't know if getting on a plane and going to Egypt and fucking paying all that money and going there just to see it and being like, all right, what am I going to go see?

A museum is going to fucking matter.

Whereas like sitting there and writing a book is like fun to me.

Like that's so I think it's like what what doesn't matter to you look at that list and what are you able to go like who gives a shit because get used to saying that because that's gonna be your defense from now on i know oh i can't fucking skate anymore you can't do that what are you gonna do you know what i mean

especially now that you're a family man it's it's a it's a much different life than when you were younger doing your taekwondo and not having a care in the world right true but i mean there's still like

you know for example like i really had that fear of missing out when i saw like get him in the background in Q West dancing with Joey Friton.

I was like, I wish I could have gone to that.

You would have danced with Joey Friton?

Absolutely.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, so it's that sort of like, oh my.

Well, that's missing out on a good party.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Right.

And you know, but missing out on the opportunity, like, oh, I probably, like, I could have gone to that.

Like, like, we could have made arrangements.

So it's like stuff like that.

Like, I could have pushed for that type of thing.

Sure.

So it's always like,

do I push harder for those types of like.

Would there have been enough in the budget for a Tom Malisha?

I don't, I don't.

yeah, we could have put him up and get him.

Okay, all right, all right.

There's enough in the budget for it.

You could have given me a staff badge.

No, I know, that.

I understand that.

I know Jimmy.

Jimmy came with demands.

Yeah, a writer, as they call him.

Yeah, Tom would have just asked for a staff badge, so he could have hung out with Joey Faton.

He would have been good with that.

No, I mean, the thing is, like, that is something where that to me makes sense.

Your friends were there.

You're connected to it.

It was a fun party.

Why that's kind of the no-brainer.

Why wouldn't you do that?

You know what I mean?

But if you were, if they they were having, if like, I don't know, pick anybody, who played Michael Knight, Hasselhoff,

was throwing a fucking Hasselhoff party in QS, like, you might be like,

well, I love Knight Rider, but I'm not going.

Like, that had a lot of your friends and a project that you're part of in a way.

So it's like, not in a way you are.

So it's like, I could see you, that to me makes sense wanting to be that one.

I don't think that's a middle-aged thing.

That's like, fuck, that would have been fun for you.

Yeah, and I think that's what it comes down to is those sort of regrets.

Like when I started, you guys are talking about like midlife, like, and the things like that, and then seeing Giddem down there.

And it just got me thinking, like, even Giddam's living better than me.

Even Giddam's living better than me right now.

Haven't we danced together on projects on Pre-trend stuff?

So, what's the big deal?

You know, you dance with me.

Who cares?

That's true.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

Same thing.

Suck it up.

So maybe I can get an account of Billibuddy for the weight loss?

Fuck.

It's not happening.

No?

not even to help me.

Look in this direction.

Achievement.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

We'll hold ourselves accountable.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So, what does that mean?

Like, how do you lose weight?

Like, what's your plan?

You shame the other guy.

I've already been shamed enough already on the show.

No, I would say like you standard 2,000 calories, start walking.

Like, I did a

5K last year, and I was hoping to achieve one goal, but wasn't able to do it.

So, another one of my regrets is like training again this year to get under 30 minutes.

It's great.

Like, I was at 37, 36 last year.

Almost 37.

Almost 37.

Rousing snoogans going on.

Yeah, so I mean, like, I think a lot of it is like, I'll do good for a couple months, and then you drift off.

So, you kind of need that, like that's human nature, though.

You shouldn't have fault yourself too much.

Yeah, but it doesn't help me get to the end of the goal, though.

Yeah, but you can't beat yourself up about it.

You just got to be like, get back on track.

I slipped.

Let me just start again.

Oh, well,

yeah, but then like, you know, stuff comes up.

So that's why I think I need more like

an accountability partner for that that can shame me.

Well, it sounds to me like you're already creating obstacles to put in your own way.

Oh, no, I want to do it.

Yeah, but you're saying like, oh, I can't do it unless I have an accountability guy.

A guy who, you know, how often you get to text him back every meal?

Like you two are just locked at the hip now?

Probably not every meal.

But during Fatboy Summer, we texted quite a bit

of projects and stuff.

Okay, all all right.

All right.

Like, you know, once every other week, like, you know, like, how's it going?

You still there?

What happened?

What'd you fail with?

Come on, let's crack open the real Tom.

Let's get into fucking clear the spider webs out.

Let's see what's really inside this.

So wait,

what else?

There's definitely more.

Like, we want something meatier than that.

Call me very mild.

We want something dark and like a secret that you only.

Yeah, like, I always wanted to know what it felt like to kill somebody.

I don't think I'm pretty surface when it comes to that.

I don't think I have anything.

Is it possible Tom's just boring?

Yes.

No.

He's not.

He's hiding something.

He's holding back.

He's not willing to bear at all, even though he begged for this segment.

I did not beg for this segment.

He's not willing to give us the real,

what's really at the root cause of all this.

He's just not willing to say it out loud, which I get.

You want to leave your wife?

Just say it.

You want to go out for milk and never come back?

I started smoking, honey.

Cigarettes, yeah.

You want to be with a man.

No.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

Did you do that in college?

No.

No?

No.

Did you go to college?

I did.

Yeah.

What college did you go to?

It was a local college.

That's where all the most

fruity stuff happens.

I heard that.

At the community level.

That week that you go, is that that what happened to you?

I left.

I ran out.

I saw him on hole.

Who gave you mine?

Like, you remember every guest.

That's G-O-M, man.

But what is it?

Like, what would you die having not accomplished, and that would that bother you?

What would bother you?

I think

I don't know if it's more just like the list gets bigger, you know, like the

not getting the black belt, the not finishing the book.

Just like, every, you know, every time you start something and you don't finish it, it just adds a little to that list.

But that list, that's that's what I'm trying to say.

Like, that list shouldn't, like,

that list is going to become a list of things that you don't give a fuck about.

And there's going to be a couple of gems on there.

And I'm just trying to, like, help you say the things that you're like, oh man, I really like the book thing.

It's the return that you've mentioned.

I think it's the book.

I think it's like, I get started.

But I also think, like, other than

like,

you know, Chuck's friend Brad, I don't have anyone else that really reads.

Yeah.

So I don't have anyone that I could like be like, oh, this is, yeah, this is a good idea.

Or no, this is absolutely horrible.

Because I feel like if I got through it and I don't know the disappointment I would be like if I like, I really bared everything I had into this book and it's like completely rejected.

So I guess like keeping who?

Like publishers or anything else, like to actually put it out.

That's going to happen.

Yeah.

Well, you can sell Chuck.

I can't tell that.

Was it 12 times we talked about it?

Getting rejected.

Tom's like, I'm going in.

i don't expect that no i don't expect to get it the first time out of the gate well it sounds like but i feel that like

you can handle if it doesn't though well i mean i think leaving it in the like pause section of not finishing it just is like a regret as opposed to like oh no i failed like i i went you didn't fail if you write the book you wrote the book yeah like why now you're talking about something totally separate you're talking about public acclaim or public attention or like you know rather than like what i want to do is write a book And then, once you write that book, regardless of how it's received, you fucking did it.

Yeah, that's what you got to focus on.

It sounds like he's more scared about the end point.

I feel it's both.

Yeah, I feel it's like, yes, I would.

The first step would be the finishing, but I think the second step is a bigger fear of the rejection of it.

Yeah, well, it's going to happen.

Bombed out.

Yeah, you've got to come to terms with that because

not many people right out of the gate have immediate

success.

And you probably

shouldn't even be writing a book if your only reason you're writing it is so that people love it.

I don't think it's to, I don't think it's, it's to get an idea out of my head, but then it's also, if I'm the only one that had it, though, in the end,

I don't think that's the final outcome for me, though.

Like, you said you were right, you were like in the process of writing a book.

Yeah.

So you're perfectly fine if it never goes anywhere after once it's out of your head.

Do you know how many things I've created that have gone absolutely nowhere like i've had one thing created that went somewhere everything else everything else is like is like has been like you know you do it because you love it and now i i fucking come up with ideas and i don't even show them to people anymore i'm like all right i got this out and stuff like that it it is it is because well it's like look also like i've had things come around like i always wanted to make a movie we made the movie and then you get through and you're like all right it's the same as everything else it's just another experience so i i maybe i have that perspective that you don't, but it's really not outcome you should be focused on.

It's process.

It's like, why do you want to write the book?

Like, forget the outcome.

Like, what about the process do you like?

Getting the ideas out, developing the ideas, developing crowns, building a world, getting an hour for yourself a day where you get to sit there and be creative.

Like,

those are the only benefits you might ever get from it.

And if those aren't enough, then fucking don't do it.

It's like going to Egypt.

Like, if the only benefit is I get to stand there in the fucking sand and smell the camel shit and see something somebody built 2,000 years ago.

It's like, well then why am I bothering to go?

Like it doesn't mean anything to me.

I think you've come across any person who's created anything, you're going to find that there is a litany of things that didn't work out for them before

this thing that you're aware of.

Yeah.

And now you deem them successful.

They probably have so many failures and so many things that didn't go the way that they hoped it would go.

The countless comics I've started have never been finished, and it's just

life.

That's just the way it is.

Like, nobody just shits out something and immediately becomes beloved and

praise him.

Yeah, if you're talking about Shane and heir to the throne,

look how long that took.

Yeah.

So don't fuck with it.

That is true.

Like, how great is that?

Well, is it something you want your kids to read, or is it something real pervasive?

It's not a pornography.

is it about that magic yeah there's no uh there's no uh lady chattery shit elf porn and uh that elf porn is everywhere man didn't we talk about that already no no it is crazy you know this well like no everybody's reading these

that's the game of thrones effect right everybody wants their characters fucking and sucking dude there's like dinosaur porn these these best-selling books are all about like it is like um lord of the rings but with like a lot of fucking and i go on planes and like four or five people are reading these fucking things on the plane.

It's like taken, remember how like Shades of Gray took over for a while?

Yes.

That's happening right now with like drags

and stuff like that.

And I can't wrap my head around it.

Yeah, there's like taken by the T-Rex, Tricera tops and bottoms.

They're like

dinosaur porn.

Yeah.

I know I'm not writing that.

No.

Tricera tops and bottoms.

It's considered elf porn.

But there is something

deep-rooted, either attraction or repulsion

to

having a small person writhe all over you.

Like, you know, and elf porn.

Oh, I don't think really.

I think that comes back like cavemen fucking had that fear and didn't know what it was.

What a miniature creature all over you.

Yeah, I think that's what it cut.

Like, some people are like into it, and some people are like,

you don't want no part of it, but it sells.

I'm not judging.

I'm just

a lot people care so much about fairies having sex.

But I know

sword blows on a wall.

Now you're right back to Tom's college days, fairies having sex.

Yeah.

But

did you pick up that Dungeon Crowley Carl book I talked about?

Oh, yeah.

I'm on book three.

Oh, man.

I'm on book seven, man.

It's fucking awesome, man.

I love him so much.

It's great.

Your recommendation of Reacher, though?

Yes.

Reacher has surpassed my ultimate

version of a man.

It used to be Jim Halpert.

Oh, yeah.

Now it's Reacher.

It's Jim Halpert.

It's Reacher.

It is the best.

It's the best shit I've ever seen in my life.

I just want to watch it in the town.

Beats the shit out of people until he finds the answers.

It's great.

It's the best form of entertainment I've ever come across.

I'm taking it so slow.

I say to my wife every night, I want to watch it all, but I want to make this last forever.

I've never fallen in love with

a medium more than the fucking the Reacher series.

Really?

Wow.

I don't like season two.

No, season one and three, I'm not done with three yet.

Are there's nothing more I want than to fucking see Jack Reacher shoot scumbags.

Yeah.

Break the legs of scumbags.

Dismiss scumbags.

I just started watching season three last night.

I watched the first two episodes where they met that guy that's bigger than him.

Yes.

Oh, shoot.

My first fight.

Because you know they're setting it up.

Oh, yeah.

And we fall right for it.

We're like, oh my God, how's Jack going to beat?

How's he going to beat Paulie?

Paulie's so big.

He gets out of the car.

And like, he looks up, and like, they do that shot where it's over Paulie's shoulder looking down at Reacher

you've never seen before.

And the guy's like, what's up, little man?

So funny, man.

Yeah, the second season, like, they tried to do that thing where they gave him a team and a family.

Well, that was the thing, I think, was the

not that I didn't dig about it was because now you had little

miniature versions of Reacher.

Everybody was a badass, and nobody needed Reacher's assistant.

They all knew exactly what.

They got shot and they went to a deli for a sandwich.

Yeah, so when

you have seven Reachers on the screen,

you kind of water down the guy that you're there to watching.

I did not like season two.

To me, it's just like you're like, well, the whole story is that he's a drifter who's on his own.

And it's just like the first chance you get, you give him a family.

Like, literally, they're like, We're family, and I'm like, oh man, all right.

And they do everything to fucking make you fall in love with him.

Like, he likes dogs, he takes care of dogs that are being abused.

And then, in the season three, I mean, you're sure you met the kid, right?

Yeah,

and you know that he like he kind of becomes the father figure that he doesn't have.

Yeah, I'm only in the second episode.

Yeah, so it's like, oh man, so good.

It is great because he's the type of guy that, like, when he knows he's got to get up at three in the morning to kick someone's ass, he just sits on his bed, fully dressed, staring at at the wall.

So the clock strikes me in my room, though.

He just stares at the wall.

Clock turns three.

He gets up and he couses someone.

It's the best.

Oh, I'm so happy, Walt.

You're making my day.

I fucking adore it.

Why isn't that guy playing Batman?

Where does this guy come from?

He was on Blue Mountain State, which is a really funny shooter.

He was also Aquaman.

He was Aquaman on...

Smallville.

Smallville or Arrow?

I thought it was Smallville.

Oh, well, whatever.

Okay, so he's been in other things.

I thought he was just somebody they found.

Oh, he was in, what is it?

Not Doom Patrol.

What was he in?

No, the other one.

Titans.

Titans.

He was Hawk.

He played Hawk.

Oh, Schallvy.

Oh, so he's had a lot of experience playing Hawk.

Yeah, but this is the first time.

You're over like, oh, this guy has found his.

And I love what he is.

It's like if fucking Giddam was fucking jacked.

Yes.

I know exactly what he did.

Yeah.

He's very particular.

Giddam was jacked to the gills.

Yeah.

With his 148 fucking brain and his sense of like where like things have to be done a certain way.

right and no home right right he would be reacher if if but without the six pack yeah why don't you unless it's a six pack of natties

it's more like creature

doesn't beat anybody up

i really i wonder what he got paid to do that role he is deserves every penny man when he starts that prison fight scene with so good it reminds me of every 80s great action flick where you like

the era of bygone where like guys were larger than life like in the 80s like Gibson as Martin Riggs or Rambo.

Stewing shit I'll never be able to do.

John McClain.

It's like

and his sense of fucking ethics.

Yeah.

Where he's like, like in season two, he talks about like the girl he was attracted to, but he goes, how come we never got together?

And he's like, you know, I'm like, I was your boss.

I couldn't do that.

You just want to meet guys like that.

When people ask him to do shit, people are always like, Reacher, stand up.

And he thinks for a second.

He's like, no.

And then he just looks at you.

And he's like, well, now what are you going to do?

You just told the guy to do something.

He just said no to your face.

It's wild, man.

What network is this?

This is

Amazon.

Okay.

The amount of people, look at this fight.

This is the prison fight.

The amount of people that try to fight this guy is insane to me.

I'm like, who on earth would ever look at him and be like, I can take that?

And he's never fucking worried.

Yeah, that's got to be a weird mindset.

Like,

there are people out there like that who are not worried.

Yeah, I don't care.

Of their physical, you know, like any kind of altercation.

They have no fear whatsoever.

Yeah, they don't care.

I'm going to fucking fuck this person up.

I wonder what it's like to walk around like that.

Well, probably because he's yet to be in a situation where he hasn't fucked someone up.

Yeah.

It is funny that he's part of the rat squad.

Like he works with the military, like internal, like they investigate internally.

So it is funny that they're like, he's a rat.

He's like the rat squad.

Well, Well, it's again, but it just goes to his code of like, well,

you're you're you're in the military, you're you're breaking the rules, you're breaking the law.

You're right, of course, I will take you down, of course, I will expose you.

Don't fuck with the special investigators, man.

Yeah, it's wild.

So good, though, killed.

God, what a recommendation!

Excellent.

Oh, that makes me happy.

And they have like 30 books about this character.

Yeah, it's making me want to be like,

if I can't watch the show, I think I'm going to fucking crack open a book.

Oh, nice.

Boy.

That's how much I love it.

I like, I want more reach.

Dude, this is making my day.

I'm so glad I brought this to walk life.

Why do you just tell me that there's prison fights?

You're right.

I didn't want to give it all away.

And it's so fucking awesome because they're not worried about, they're not worried about the backlash because they go into prison.

Of course, immediately,

one of the inmates is like, I'm going to fuck that cellmate of yours.

Right?

Yeah, he's an evil rapist.

Immediately.

Within the first second of being in jail, somebody's already threatening to rape the guy he's in a cell with.

And then when he's in Afghanistan, he fucking...

Oh, somebody was like trying to rape a kid or something.

Yeah, he kills all these Middle Eastern villagers.

And it turns out, like, do you think because he went crazy and he just went and shot people randomly?

But no, it turns out he killed a bunch of fucking child rapists.

He played soccer.

He was playing soccer with village kids.

And then that night he found out some dude was like creeping on him and he just fucking shot him all.

He kills the whole village.

And then people later on try to throw it in his face.

And he's like, what do you want from me?

Oh, you're right.

Like when he, when she goes, so you killed them all?

He goes, I don't want to be involved with somebody who thinks it's okay for me not to kill child rapists.

She then she fucks him.

She's like, good point.

She takes the top off him.

It's great.

Yeah, he never tries to fuck a chick.

They just come to him.

The guy showers.

He just shows up.

It's great, man.

Oh, this is great.

He sees this guy beating his wife.

That's all he does is he looks at people with that fucking look.

This guy was about to snack around his wife.

Reacher just looked at him.

And the guy was like, hey, man, I'm sorry, dude.

I had a bad night last night.

I wouldn't want Reacher looking at me like that.

No.

That's how you got to go up to Nork when we scored an 8-ball tonight.

That's how you got to swoop and roll around the streets of Nork.

you can't have those glasses on, though.

You want to give them the look.

You just got to give them the one.

Gotcha.

Tom, you lose the weight, learn the karate, lose the glasses.

You could be our reacher.

Oh.

Do I got to go to prison, too?

No, no, no.

We just got to patrol Airport Plaza.

We already have that, though.

No, no, we do not.

Yeah, Genem's not a good reacher.

And no little one.

But yes, I do love Dungeon Crawler Carl.

Oh, it's so good.

It's like Hunger Games meets like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Yeah, it's just so funny.

And I started, I love it so much.

I want to keep living in the world.

So I got the audiobook.

So now I'm listening to the audiobook for the first time.

I heard they're even better.

So much fucking fun, man.

The guy, Denniman, man, he wrote a he really created something that I fell in love with.

Yeah.

I hope I meet him someday.

It's light-hearted too, bro.

It's not something like deep that, like, right.

Yeah, it's very easy to get into the world.

And it's just funny.

It's a great premise.

And like,

even people I know who don't play, never play Dungeons Dragons are like, no, I understand it.

They, they make it easy for me to understand and stuff like that.

It's great.

But yeah, good.

So, you know,

write that.

Write something like that.

What's your novel without giving away too much of it, but what is the

genre, at least?

It would be like fantasy.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

No L points.

No, no door fucking

series.

No, no, no.

No.

So far in my book, I'm about like halfway through.

There's no fucking gold.

Is it set on Earth or is it set in another magical land?

It's set on Earth.

Okay.

And it's set like in an alternate where in the 70s there was like a sunstorm that wiped out all of the electricity and everyone started dying.

So they started praying to gods that reawoken.

So like Egyptian gods and you know what's a sunstorm?

Like the solar flares.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So I heard it called the sunstorm.

Yeah.

Did you phrase that?

That's pretty good.

Oh, yeah, I phrased it.

Yep.

You coined that?

Yeah.

So all the electricity was destroyed like an EMP knocked out everything.

So like people were dying everywhere.

There was no electricity.

So when the gods started waking up, because they heard those calls, and then it started changing the world around them.

So they kind of had to like live in this one large, large area because outside of it, monsters.

So no hobbits or anything?

No, no hobbits.

No.

Could get sued.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, that sounds fun, though.

Yeah.

So which gods?

Which gods are you working with?

So so far I had Anubis,

I had Hera, I had

Isn't that Wonder Woman's Mother?

Or that's Hippolyte?

The Valodi, yeah.

Aries,

talk of war, all different gods.

Yeah, correct.

All different pantheons.

There's a lot of Greek stuff, huh?

Some Greek

going.

Isn't that Turkish oil?

Yeah, so different ones, and then the people kind of like fall in line with them, and then they, the gods start granting them like one like power

based on those type of, you know, when they pray, when they, when they turn 18, they can go visit their like patron and sometimes they get picked.

But if they don't, no, patron, not patron.

Sorry, it's no reacher.

So, uh, yeah, but let me ask you something because I really want you to to

get this concept, which I'm sure you already get, but I want to like, all right, you publish the book.

Somebody's like, we will publish this.

Like, what, how many sales is a success for you?

Like, any.

Anything less than bestseller?

No, any.

All right, so

you could write the book and self-publish it, and people will read it.

I think that would be it.

I think it's more like a legacy thing, like, like, actually leaving something physical.

You know what I mean?

Like, I think that, so I guess what I said earlier about being a success, it's more just leaving something like physical in the world where people can pick it up and look.

All kidding aside, you can achieve this so easily.

You can do this.

You can do this without a doubt.

I'm telling you, I'm not just saying it.

This is a very achievable goal.

You know, like we, me and Brian,

we published Carney.

It didn't do anything.

It didn't make a blip in the comic book world, but we got it published, though.

I don't want to leave it to my kids.

I don't want them reading that story.

That's not your legacy.

I don't want them.

There's a lot of.

You talk about porn.

There's a lot of

questionable stuff.

Some freak sex.

Well, not even sex, fucking assault.

Or a guy in the bag tracking himself over.

But

it didn't do anything in terms of like, it didn't.

Yeah, and I don't know.

The comic book world didn't notice it one iota.

Not one fucking person even knows it exists, probably except us and maybe the listeners but like you said though there is um

a feeling of accomplishment though because somebody else other than you

believed in it and and you

to go ahead so yeah i think you can do this i think there's

There's little to no doubt in my mind that you could achieve that though if you put your mind to it You got to put your mind to it.

I know

and stop stop it.

And in terms of stuff like this, like, you're young.

Like, I, you know,

43.

It doesn't look that like it doesn't feel that way.

I know it doesn't feel that way, but it, you, you know.

Why do you feel like you're older than you really are?

Well, no, I think it's because, like, you know, we talked about it on an episode that hasn't aired yet, but it's also like, you know, I had kids like slightly later.

So, like, you know, I worry, like, you know, by the time they get married, I'm going to be like in my late 50s.

Oh, my God.

It's not like 60.

Well, how old will they be?

How old are you?

How old will they be when they're 20s?

Seven and three.

How old will you be when they're in their 20s?

So we got, what, 13 years.

So I'm going to be 56 when Lucy would hit 20.

How old were your parents when you got married?

They were in there like...

Oh, wait.

Repeat the question again.

How old were your parents when you got married?

When I got married?

I mean, I was married a long time before we had kids.

So I think my parents would have been, let's say, I'm married.

Is that hard of a question?

Yeah, you got to think of how...

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

I would say my parents were like 40?

No, no, no, no.

50.

50.

Okay, so.

I mean, that's just the way it works.

And think about it this way, too.

Like, the chances of your daughter getting married at 20 are probably slim.

Correct.

So that means I'm going to be older.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm going to be closer to like 62, 63 by then.

What's the point of even getting worked up about this?

Like, it's just a lot of fun.

That's just the way it is.

It is.

Now that's the way it is.

If this is how bad it is for you, I should be jumping off a cliff.

My daughter is, My daughter just turned 10.

My son turns 13 next month.

I turned 55 tomorrow.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

April's?

Are you going to take tomorrow off?

You're not cleaning?

Because you should have told me this.

You should have given me an advance notice if you were going to take your birthday off.

I mean, you manage happy people for them all.

I'm going to be old when those kids grow up.

I mean, but to quote someone at this table, just because you got problems, what is it?

Just because you got it worse doesn't mean I got it bad?

No, no.

Just because other people have it worse than me doesn't mean I have a good.

Yeah.

So,

very true.

Everybody's in their own hell.

Yeah.

Well, you could spend your time like...

Thinking about this and running it through your head over and over again, or you could sit down and use that time and get back into the fantasy world that you're creating, which is a far more healthier way to use that

energy that you're wasting on worrying about, like, oh my god, I'm going to be in a wheelchair with my daughter when I dance with my daughter at her fucking wedding.

Roll over her feet.

As you get slightly closer, you know,

those thoughts do kind of bug it.

Yeah, but here's the thing, though, dude.

You're only starting to think about this stuff.

The rubber is not going to hit the road for you for another 10 years.

Like,

by the time you start feeling like you're old, you're not old yet.

I found that's that's the one thing about kids, they're a yardstick for making you feel old.

You watch them grow up, oh, yeah.

Like, I see Sage at 19, and I'm like, oh my god, like, I look at pictures of her from 2018,

and I'm like, oh my God, she was so, it wasn't even that long ago, but it was seven years ago, you know, it's crazy.

That pandemic fucked it all.

When you wake up and you can't piss in the morning, then call me.

Okay.

All right.

Until then, shut the fuck up.

Should I call the doctor

or should I call you?

Call me first.

Okay.

What time is it?

Why are you calling me?

Until then, you got no, you're not an old man.

You're still fucking spry.

Yeah, like, yeah, at 43,

42, 43,

I think back, I was just starting my drug addiction back then.

You still got a lot of time.

That's pretty much...

How old are you now?

57.

So, like, I think you were, what, right around this age when you guys started Tom Steve Dave then, right?

Like 42, 43.

Yeah, right right around there.

Oh, man.

That's a lot of

start a new Tomcast.

Oh, is that what it's going to mean?

No, no one wants to hear that.

At least I'm not talking.

People are

listening then.

It's going to wait for a week.

I didn't do anything this week.

I went to no concerts this week.

No eight balls of drugs.

No contacts.

Have we helped in any way?

I think so.

I think so.

Don't lie.

No, you put a lot of things in perspective that I got a lot of of time.

Brian will ridicule me if I don't, you know, get more in the weight loss journey.

And, you know, I could take that time.

And, you know, like you said, I don't necessarily need stardom or anything else with it, just to, you know, come to the realization that as long as there's a physical copy out there, that I can be like, I have this.

This is mine.

That that's all I really want to do.

It's great.

I think it has helped.

How close are you to finishing it?

I'd say I'm a little bit more than halfway.

Actively working on it, or it's been a bit

months since I picked it up.

Like, work things have kind of come in the way.

If you finish it,

I will provide the cover free.

Oh,

look at that, bud.

Free.

All right.

I don't usually say that.

Let me ask you a question.

It comes out of my mouth free.

Let me ask you a question.

It doesn't come easy.

Do I want one-syllable words?

Do I get to tell you what to build, or are you just going to put L-phorn on it?

No, I wouldn't.

Okay.

I would not.

You could tell me what you're hoping for,

but let me at least interpret that.

I'm okay with that.

That idea.

Okay.

You know,

all right, yeah.

So if you finish it, and then this way you can have something when you submit to publishers, you know, you got this nice snazzy color art that

goes with your manuscript.

Awesome.

We'll take the cover.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Tom, it's not over.

It's not over, Tom.

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Does Mrs.

Tom know that you were coming in today to talk about your midlife crisis?

Or is she even aware that you're in the bouts of a crisis?

She knew I was going to talk about it, but I don't think she really thought, like, do you really have a midlife crisis?

So I think she minimizes your crisis.

Absolutely.

Well, let's talk about that.

That's where we got to talk about it.

That's way more interesting.

Can we talk about it after I read this Ridge app?

We'll be here all night.

Let's see.

Ridge, are you still carrying around the same bulky, overstuffed, and let's be honest, crusty leather wallet your grandfather had?

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Oh, I got this.

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Oh, the metal

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Yeah, yeah, I have this.

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Looks like he has scoliosis.

Do you ever see that wallet he's fucking sitting on?

No, is it a big fat one?

Yeah, isn't it him that has the giant wallet?

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I don't think so.

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That's true.

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Wow.

I always thought that.

I don't know if one of those scanners and just scan your

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That's Ridge.

Now, what were we about to talk about, Walt?

I don't remember.

Hmm.

What was it?

Was it scoliosis?

No, you were talking about how my wife meant myself.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

So you told her you're like, hon, spiraling here, you know.

I don't think I use the words.

I don't have a black belt.

I haven't written my novel.

And what does she say to that?

Does she just like

not?

She doesn't have time for that.

She's like, well, I'm fucking, I'm bringing the kids to soccer.

I'm cooking this.

I'm cleaning this.

Shut the fuck up.

You haven't written your fucking storybook.

Pretty much.

That's what I get.

We got today problems, not future problems.

Yes.

Storybook.

She's so disgusting.

God damn her.

So she doesn't do that.

She's supportive?

Your wife?

I don't think.

So no.

Yeah, I wouldn't say supportive, but I also, yeah, she's more just like, nah, you'll just probably like stop doing it in a month or two.

Yeah.

She's shown that behavior in the past, and now she thinks she thinks that she's got to quit her for a husband.

Yeah, she's got to quit her for a husband.

Well, give her Mary Beth's number.

They could probably go to her.

But like, what have you, like, what would go on the list of things that you have accomplished in this vein?

So it's, I think it's hard to say.

I don't know.

Don't take kids.

Nobody wants your kids as an accomplishment.

How come?

Because anybody can do it.

Really, anybody can do it.

I mean, they can't all raise them correctly, but anybody can have kids.

So it's not really an accomplishment, I don't think.

Half of them are accidents.

Trust me.

I mean, I have a good house.

I have a good job.

You know, our kids are, you know, for the most part, well-behaved.

So I think those are my accomplishments.

Those are pretty great, huh?

Yeah.

I don't think, you know,

I don't know if there's much, like, I think the things that I've listed are pretty much the only thing that I've like started and stopped that didn't fall.

I'm super disappointed you don't list Sunday stud one and two

as one of your accomplishments.

Oh, wait, like to my wife, because she has no idea what happens up here.

No idea.

We talked about that.

I mean, I thought, I mean, one of the greatest things you ever came up with was the dickless picks.

When you Remember during the segment in Sunday Stud where people had to pose without their dicks out and still make them look sexy?

Yes.

Brian is our

Brian is our

three times.

Sunday Stud winner.

Brainless stud.

I mean, who's who's judging this?

Every time it's different.

I think Mrs.

Five.

Oh, guys.

I think Tim the Rutger Store clerk was on the judge for that.

Frank,

Frank judged it, I think.

You should get in on the next one.

You You can unseat me, perhaps.

Can you eat a fig seductively?

Pretend that it's something else.

You should try.

I mean, I'll give it a shot.

That's normally our last.

That's a barometer.

Yeah.

Manliness.

Yes.

I don't know.

I think a lot of people do what you're doing.

You know, they question if

what they're doing is worth it or what they're doing is time well spent.

But

at the end of the day, I mean, a lot of people waste a lot of time.

Even fucking Einstein, I heard, was a procrastinator.

I don't know if that's true.

I'm just.

I want to believe it.

Well, if you look at what he accomplished, it's like, yeah, a couple of big things.

Did he ever just jerk off and think of some?

I can answer that.

Right.

He wasn't always building a fucking nuclear bomb.

He was dropping a bomb in a fucking tissue paper.

That's true, man.

You never think about it, but like Einstein jerked off.

You never really think about it that much.

He might have been doing it in that famous picture where he was talking about

California and shit.

Yeah, I mean,

so much of everybody's time is spent doing things that if you overanalyze it, it's like, oh my God, I could be doing this.

Or why did I spend so so much time doing this?

It's like, because that's the way it is, man.

It's just, that's life.

Usually, when I question that, I'm like, because you're stupid.

That's usually my other monologue.

Yeah, I think I have to do things to minimize regret.

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

That's a great way to put it.

That's a great way to put it.

So, where I'm at, like, so I have that, you know, I feed all those I have to wear animals, and I have that one

mother that I've been feeding for like three years now.

I call her mama.

And twice a day, she comes by, and twice a day I put, I prepare prepared some food, and I, I sit down on the back step, and she comes up to me, she mails at me, and she eats it.

And

she looks at me and she goes about her way.

And I do that about twice a day now for years.

You know, not every day, but a lot of days.

And very few things make me feel as good as that.

I'm literally like, this is like the best.

Like, she feels safe.

She comes over here.

Like, we, you know, we just sit down.

You got a little buddy?

Yeah, I got a little buddy.

And I'm like, wow, this is fucking actually, this feels better than when I was on stage in Madison Square Garden.

I'm not even fucking kidding.

I'm like, this is like, so, you know, you got to kind of maybe just find those things that are, but it's hard to believe that being on MSG doesn't feel better.

It doesn't sound right.

For the people who have not been on that stage, it doesn't sound right.

It doesn't sound like feeding a stray cat is better or befriending a stray cat is better than that.

But I'm here to tell you.

It's fucking way better than that.

And it brings way more to my life and it makes me way happier.

So, you know, that's kind of any secret that I've unlocked has been like, oh, it's kind of like, that's what I'm saying.

Like, the outcome you can't even control.

So don't even worry about it.

Like, just concentrate on the things that make you feel like you're feeding a fully bitten neighborhood cat.

You know, and that's the only secret I've found out after everything that I've been through and everything I've done.

I saw something that resonated with me.

It was somebody wrote, The most valuable thing in life

is having nowhere to go in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

So let that sink in.

Quit your job.

Who wrote that?

Brian Johnson?

Yeah, who wrote that?

I couldn't agree to work.

Sounds like a.

Who wrote that?

I don't know who wrote it, but I saw it and I looked at it and I was like, it's so true.

There's never a better feeling when you have somewhere to go that you don't want to go to.

Yeah.

Canceling plans, the best thing in the world, man, for me.

I love it.

But yeah, I agree.

So you got to get to that point.

Gotcha.

It's called retirement.

I'm a long way from that.

Yeah.

But even at the fire department, like that was always my thing.

Like, I work two 24-hour shifts a week.

And then the other five days, I could just fucking go see matinees and go drink at a bar with my friends during the day.

And that's always been like the way.

It's always been so much fun.

So, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't even think

now when I look at it, I didn't look at it as work when they said there's no word, there's no better feeling than to have a morning.

You don't have to go anywhere.

It would just be like just doing anything that you really don't feel like doing.

Right.

Yeah.

It could be something

like you got to go visit some relative that you don't really feel like going to see.

Don't want to do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a nice feeling.

It is.

That's the most valuable.

That is the most valuable thing in life.

And the older you get, the less people expect you to be places, too.

So that's a nice thing.

Because you've carved this

person that is like, well, he was not going to come anyway.

I'm not going to ask him anymore.

That was said to Q when he said, should we invite Tom?

And he goes, you can invite him, but he's not.

He's not going to come.

So I've already carved that out.

Yeah.

Like last Saturday, I was, I was, uh, it was warm.

It was finally 80 degrees or something.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

And I was invited.

Actually, I had just fed mama the cat.

And I came in back inside, and it was like, it was getting dark.

You know, I lit a fire and I was sitting there and I was reading the Dungeon Carla Carl thing.

And I looked and I could see Manhattan, you know, and I thought back to me in my twenties and I was like, wow, ten o'clock on a Saturday night.

There's no fucking way I can be inside.

There's so many kids out there having fun right now and doing crazy shit and the thought of it is abhorrent to me.

Like the thought of it is absolutely abhorrent to me.

Like I just want to sit here and read.

It's getting old's fun.

I like it.

It's easier than being a young kid where you feel like you have to like experience everything at all times.

Yeah.

Hey, just like, I had that old man mindset from

my 20s, though.

You have, yeah.

Yeah.

And you were old longer than anybody else I know.

Yeah, I was old way before

my time.

Mary Beth is like that.

She's an old hag.

But it could, you know, it could all of a sudden just one day.

What did he say hag?

What did he say?

She's an old hag.

We wouldn't have that.

That's funny.

But there's always that danger that I wake up, though, and

just something, and I become 180-degree opposite, though, right?

Oh, like a freaky Friday-type situation.

Like, all of a sudden, I'm in

Manhattan every night.

Oh, God.

Come back.

She's only been there to get me.

If Walt's like, let's go chop it up in Manhattan.

I'm going.

Oh, I'm going.

Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't give that up.

I'm very glad I did that in my 20s.

Like, I don't have not fond memories of it.

I just

don't want to do it anymore.

Yeah.

You get over that line.

Yeah.

Well, just get over that other side of that line.

Yeah.

What am I doing here?

The only thing you can do is feed some sort of food to a cat without.

Well, I still get my face.

Sure, you do, Kim.

Sure, you do.

I was LMB.

You were telling yourself so.

Fatone were out last night.

Yeah, we went out.

We were out in Manhattan having fun.

Somebody had an idea.

We got to bring you and Fatone in for TESD.

We got to get Fatone in here dressed up.

Yeah, he'll come do that.

He's back.

He's living here now again through the summer.

Through the soul summer.

So he'll be here.

And as the dungeon master, you can make him dance with you.

Oh, yes.

Wow, there we go.

All right.

Full midlife crisis averted.

As usual.

Why'd you wait so long to fucking just come and ask us what the fucking answer were together?

What are the problems?

I have.

I've been bugging you for weeks for it.

Do you dance at home?

Are you one of those families like you see on TV where like your whole family dances together and shit?

Stuff like that?

Well, like, like if there's like certain Disney songs on, like, we'll have the music on and like we'll dance around like the kitchen.

We're putting stuff away.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah.

That's true.

Hey, that's nice.

Sure.

It's not hardcore rap.

It has to be Disney.

Yes.

Well, with a seven and a three-year-old.

Don't want to expose the hardcore rap.

No whap.

No, no whap.

No chew on the crew.

I'm middle-aged you know.

All right.

Well, three pickas.

All right.

So

I think we did a lot here today.

I think so.

I mean, yeah, I got.

Listen, if I can dance with a tone, write a book with your cover, and Brian ridicules me to lose weight.

I mean,

isn't it a book, Atomic Habits?

No.

It's a book called Atomic Habits.

I want you to read it.

It's about what you're fighting against, about how you get a little bit better each, like how you don't go months without writing and stuff.

And it's about

that theory of 1% change a day.

1% better a day.

Like by the end of the year, you're X amount better or whatever.

Well, Ethan Sapli has something similar to that called Kill Your Clone.

Oh, it's the same type of thing where it's like, always

do one thing every day to make yourself yourself one thing better than the day before.

Right, right.

So it's always like, well, today I was this, and if you like, all right, I read a chapter of a book, well, that's one step better than the clone you were.

Yeah, I think this is a little bit more like that.

That sounds like a more holistic overview.

This is more about like

your habits that prevent you from succeeding at the things you won't want to succeed.

Gotcha.

It's pretty good.

Atomic habits.

That's our sale book guy, right, from Lorenz.

Yes.

Yeah.

Snooch.

Who indeed Snooch, because he looks amazing.

Jack.

Yeah.

He's jacked up.

Yeah, like he's not the guy he used to be at all.

Right.

You know, he's huge in the art world, too.

Is he?

Huge.

Like, he's on the board for several museums.

Like, he advises them on what paintings to do.

Like, yeah, I got a few conversations with.

That's crazy.

How do you get that, gay?

Simple.

He just got into art and found this love for it and started buying and selling it for himself personally.

And then his acknowledging

experience grew and grew.

I would love that job.

Yeah.

I'd be like, only George Perez, John Byrne pieces, and this, you know, Michelangelo's.

Get this shit out.

Get rid of all this abstract.

You got an angel?

Get rid of that shit.

I saw an art exhibition, and I'm like, I know it's subjective, but it's this guy who like took a bunch of pails, like

at the beach pails, filled them up halfway with sand and like piled them up to where there was like 10 high, and then they fell over.

And that was the art.

And there was sand all over the floor.

And there was a beat where I think people were like, was that it?

And the guy's just like, he like puts it, whoops, puts his arms out, like, that's it.

And everybody goes crazy.

They start clapping and shit.

And I'm like, this is like, do you have to pretend you get it in these types of situations?

I think you do, yeah.

You got to pretend you get it.

Do you want to stay in those circles?

Yeah.

You got to be able to get it.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

The same thing I could see a kid do at the beach.

Yeah.

I'm now supposed to pay thousands of dollars.

You get another thousand dollars.

You can just start fucking stacking goddamn shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's only got 10 pails, kid.

You look at Andy Warhol stuff and you're like, wait, he didn't even do half his own shit?

And most of it was copies anyway?

You're like, what is going on?

Oh, there it is.

Look at that.

Yeah, there's the pale guy.

Now, now he sets it up.

I mean,

who might to say if somebody in that crowd loves this,

put.

Yeah, no, he's just waiting and waiting.

There's an upside-down bicycle on the ceiling.

And it just falls.

There he goes.

It sort of falls.

Now there's sand all over it.

Then he waits.

People are looking at it.

Well, you know what it represents, right?

I don't.

The sands of time.

Society.

Society?

Okay.

Well, I'm too dumb to get art.

Maybe that's it.

Yeah.

Maybe that's the case.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

I would say tell him, Steve Dave, but we still got a couple of spots.

We got to pay these bills.

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Yeah, what is it?

Where could this be going?

I know.

April.

Well, we got, this is, we're going to be out of April by the time this drops, I think, right?

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You know, it's so sad, though.

Like,

you know, growing up, I couldn't wait to have balls that had hair on them.

And now

I'm in a rush to shake it.

You're not on your balls?

Okay.

You say so?

All the nights I would check for a whisker,

go to sleep crying.

And now it's just a bad thing.

It was Manscaped to shame you.

Yeah.

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All these are the.

I think balls that are completely fucking shaved, though, look like they're sick balls, though.

How many balls have these?

Sickly balls?

Yeah,

they look so like, yeah, they look like they have something wrong with them.

I'm totally shaved ball-wise.

It looks like you're sick.

It's like, what's wrong with Brian?

Yeah.

Everybody's like, oh man,

he must have testicular cancer.

It's just like you can see it in his face.

How many people are you seeing my balls in his face?

He doesn't look too good.

Yeah, that pool party.

And

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I was captain long enough to know.

Yeah, really, dude.

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All right.

I like to leave one super long hair.

Just to prove it.

It's striking.

In the light.

When the light hits it the right way.

What do you got to lay them on the side or something pointing at it?

What is that?

Frankenstein thing.

You drew that, obviously, right?

That's your artwork.

Yeah, that's my artwork.

It's something for a game show on the Patreon I'm working on.

Dude, it is fucking awesome.

It's pretty cool, isn't it?

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's every version of Frankenstein that I like.

And Mary Shelley kind of like hanging over them.

Who's that?

That's the motherfucker.

Which one's that?

That's Frankenstein Jr.

from where?

From Hanna-Barbera, from the 60s.

He was a robot.

He really wasn't a Frankenstein.

God, that is fucking cool, man.

Thank you.

That is like, that's a.

You should sell that.

You should sell that print.

Brian already cut dibs on it.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Assign them into limited edition prints.

God, that is amazing, man.

It really is.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's really cool.

I love the frank.

Yeah, but we're going to do like a beat the barren game show.

And in the set on the green screen, it'll be all like it's a like we're in a mansion.

And these are some of the pictures on the wall.

Oh, don't worry.

You'll know all about it.

All about it.

It's awesome.

Thank you.

All right.

Look for those prints on eBay for this weekend.

Is that the one?

Wait, let me see if I can.

Obviously, that one is the DC one, right?

Yes, that's the DC one.

Frankenberry De Niro.

Yes.

Is that young Frankenstein behind?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

Then there's Frankenstein.

That's Glenn Strange Frankenstein.

I didn't go with Boris.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because I was like, you know what?

Everybody went with Boris.

Everybody would have fucking put Karloff in there.

I'm going to be the fucking.

The renegade.

Yeah, the vanguard.

You get a two-for-one kind of with that a little bit because he's got the bulk.

If you could tell me who's behind Glenn Strange,

then right there, you're going to get a free print.

Oh, really?

So this is a super fucked up face.

Yeah.

We'll post a picture of it on Twitter when this episode drops.

Yeah, I'm not going to.

All right.

That's a real, it's a deep cut.

I won't be able to get that.

It's Teenage Frankenstein from the 50s.

A B movie from the 50s.

Wow.

If you were on our Patreon, you would know that, Q.

Yeah, I guess.

Do you know who's underneath the arm of Glenn Strange?

Now I'm starting to get lost a little bit as we go left.

That was from a movie called Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell.

Okay.

It's a Hammer movie, Hammer Frankenstein.

Gotcha.

All right, and there's Fred Gwyn Obs.

And then yours.

Is this your Frankenstein?

No, that is Marvel's Frankenstein from the 70s.

The one on the bottom with the vest.

Yes.

Yes, that one I know.

The one up top.

Yeah, the one on top.

You know who that is?

I thought that was yours.

Nope.

That is Toho's Frankenstein.

There was a giant Frankenstein in the 60s called Frankenstein Conquers the World.

And he was like a 60-foot-tall Frankenstein.

That's cool.

Okay, Okay, no, I did know the Marvel one and the DC one.

I know.

Yeah, he would be as tall as the robot one.

The robot one was like as tall as a skyscraper, too.

This is great.

And Frank and Barry, obviously, which is a great inclusion.

Thank you.

Yeah, nice work.

That's really nice.

You know what else is nice?

You're better than fucking Ethan Simpley.

Better I.

You should be on a board of a museum.

Getting my shit hung up.

Yeah, you're right.

And making some extra cash on the side, selling prints.

You will sell a lot of of those.

That's cool.

Thank you.

Excuse me for breaking into the show like this, but one thing I learned all those years manning the secret stash counter, you got to strike by the irons hot.

The Frankenstein print we are talking about is now up on eBay.

Limited to 150 prints.

This 18 by 24 hand-signed and numbered print entitled A Mother and Her Franken Sons, how cool is that?

Can now adorn your walls.

Just search T-E-S-D-Frankenstein Flanagan print on eBay and and then hit the buy it now button and you'll own one.

All right, back to the show.

We have another end.

One more.

One more.

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And that's it.

That's it.

That's it for spots.

You got to go, Kira.

Yeah, I got to go.

I'm not around next week.

I won't be here next week.

Where are you going?

I have a.

We're shooting Tuesday, Wednesday, Monday.

Well, shooting something else Monday.

Then Tuesday, Wednesday, we're working, and then I'm out of town for a charity thing next weekend.

Charity thing, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll fill you guys all in on that when I'm back.

It's going to be fun.

There's going to be some stories coming out of it.

All right, good.

Yeah, I won't be here next week, unfortunately.

Okay.

I want to say congratulations to Troy's daughter.

She was named.

What was she named?

It was

on our

team, the Goalie and.

Yeah.

God damn it, now I lost it.

I just have lacrosse game written down.

She's been killing it.

She's been killing it.

Yeah, I went to her lacrosse game on Saturday, that really nice day where you were out feeding your cat.

Yeah.

And it was something else.

It was pretty fun to watch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that fucking field is huge, and these girls are running back and forth and back and forth.

She's saucy just looking at it.

Goalie of the year, Rookie of the Year.

Goalie of the Year, Rookie of the Year, and Metro Atlantic

Athletic Conference first team.

Yeah, she killed it, man.

Great.

You couldn't remember Goli of the Year.

No, I knew Goalie of the Year.

I couldn't remember the other one.

Jesus Christ.

No, Goalie, I couldn't remember.

It was the other one.

Cute, did you notice the new TV?

I did.

I noticed

that they didn't take the stickers off.

Which I haven't.

Can you return that?

Because I have a spare TV.

So if it's not too late to return that, I could just give you one that's probably even a little bit bigger.

Giddam doesn't know what to do.

So it's a point of contention in our Yenta group because Giddam is blaming Chuck for breaking the TV, even though the TV sometimes takes up to 15 minutes to turn on.

And Chuck moved it.

Well, that TV that you had was one I gave the office to begin with.

But I have another one in my basement that's leaning against the wall right now.

So

if you can return this one, I got you.

Well, he went rogue.

He ordered a TV without even telling me.

But when?

Monday.

There's plenty of time to return it still.

Box is gone, probably.

Unless he wants.

Box is still back there.

Oh, Box is still back there.

Of course it is.

Tell him, Steve, babe.