#613: The 2024 Halloween Spooktacular

All right, Patreon plug time.

Over on Patreon this Tuesday, we are releasing Sunday Drive.

This is a show with just me and Sunday as we podcast while driving, hence the name Sunday Drive, as we visit places around Jersey that are sometimes near but always dear.

This week's episode is our Halloween episode, Sunday Drive Fright Fest.

As Sunday takes us back to where we used to work as a teen, great adventure.

Let's hear a clip.

You got Q's head on whose torso?

Put his head Put his head on Troy's body.

Okay, that's not bad.

Arms.

Now,

I'm not just trying to fucking butter you up and kiss up to you right now, but with those fucking guns that you got now,

there's no way I could deny you the arms.

You know, I gotta take the arms.

So now we're starting to look like the toxic Avenger now.

Just need a tutu, a pink tutu, and everything's just fine.

Yeah, I'm taking your arms and putting them on Jimmy's torso.

And

he's gonna look like that guy from Freaks with

no body.

He's just like, just

walk around on his hands.

So last week was the all-new Sunday Jeff Show Halloween special, which, by the way, people loved.

So thank you.

The week before that was Sunday Grind, where we watched the original Halloween movie.

So lots and lots of scary happenings on the TSD Patreon this month.

And even though next week is November, that doesn't mean we don't have some more monstrous content.

As a let's all go toho Toho the Movies is next week's release.

And this episode focuses on my all-time favorite giant monster movie, War of the Gargantuas.

So lots of exciting shows to dig into if you'd go join up now.

All right, enough Hulking.

It's time for the TESD 2024 Halloween special.

Hello and welcome to this spooky edition of Tell'em Steve Dave, the Halloween episode.

That's right, boys.

It's that time of year.

2024 Halloween special.

Yeah.

Still doing it.

Still doing it.

After all these years, we have some Halloween stuff.

We got a special guest later on.

We've got all kinds of stuff going on.

Like a zombie shambling on and on and on.

Unaware of a shell, lifeless husk.

Unaware of everyone around them and just doing what they do.

It's the only other option to lay down and die or keep moving.

So onwards and onwards.

We have a guest in a little bit, but first I want to get to the

traditional

part of Halloween tradition is Brian's list of offensive Halloween costumes.

Yes, and what you should not be going out as as this year.

Now, usually it's good housekeeping that I refer to.

But this year they let me down.

They have not updated since last year.

Nope.

What?

Yeah.

Good housekeeping has deemed that there are no more costumes that are I guess if anything goes according to good housekeeping now their work is done

mission accomplished

eradicated all the offensive costumes

So I went to Ranker instead, which is a pretty good website.

Rancor?

Ranker.

Like R-A-N-K-E-R, like you rank rank stuff.

Oh, ranker.

God.

Yeah, not like a ranker pit or something.

Well, also, isn't ranker a word for like angry?

Yeah.

You're the only one that brought up a pit and a monster.

I'm just saying.

So number one on this list, I don't think it's in any particular order, but there are 16 different costumes here.

The first, and I don't know, again, I don't know why I have to tell people this.

But I guess there are people out there that are like, hey, I know what I'll go as.

I'll go as a school shooting victim.

Oh, my God.

That's number one on the list.

Okay, yeah.

Number two.

Already, I got to say, Ranker's list is already coming in.

Coming in strong.

Already better than good housekeeping.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, this is something that I agree with.

You don't have the phone set to record.

Oops.

Oh, goddammit.

This year I want to go as the office coach who saved Halloween.

Yes.

Gonna put a big pillow underneath my shirt,

get a hobo beard, a couple of natty lights with that blackout,

that teeth, you blackout makeup that you put on your teeth.

Just like, I saved the day.

You didn't have that button pressed.

Press that button.

Now that's a safe costume.

That's not offending any of the only things.

In TST town, that costume is going to win first prize at the costume.

That's like Sexy Nurse.

That's the sexy nurse of Telescope Daytown.

Don't go as school victim, school shooting.

School shooting victim, right?

Couldn't you just be like, I'm a zombie?

I guess you could.

Well.

And like anybody gives you, like, you know, but then, you know, to your buddies, you'd be like, this is what I really am.

But to the rest of the crowd, like, who are you supposed to be?

And you could tell you got a Karen on your hand.

Right.

You'd be like, oh, I'm just a zombie.

Chill out.

Yeah.

Why are you wearing a Parkland sweatshirt?

Oh, is that?

Did I put that on today?

Yeah.

Yeah, aside from that, I'm like, yeah, how would you tell it's a school shooting victim?

It has to be that.

It has to be just a school sweatshirt.

It's a good shirt or something, right?

Well, number two, you also shouldn't go as a school shooter.

Oh, okay.

No black trench coat.

Yeah, no Columbine type look.

I mean, I don't disagree.

Yeah, it's look,

there's poor taste, and then there's like, you're just being a jerk off.

Yeah.

And the story of our lives is trying to straddle that line.

We don't always just stay on the tightrope, but, you know.

But is there any type of shooter you can go as?

Can you go as the guy, like, you know, one of the black ops who...

who put down Bin Laden?

Can you go as that guy?

Like a Navy SEAL type?

I think you do that.

I can still do that.

I i think you walk around dressed like that guy really really is going to depend on the parties you you attend though because you go to the wrong party i only go to parties where they love america

it would be fine in any party i'm at

okay

uh walt i know you were thinking about this but uh number three don't go as an aborted baby why Why not?

Because that's what

everybody wants, right?

It's exceedingly what everybody's arguing what they want, like frothing at the mouth that they want to be able to kill babies on demand

anywhere, anytime, any place.

So, why not be able to go as one?

For some reason, that's bad.

I mean, I've had friends.

I've had friends screaming in my face that, you know, that they want the ability to have abortions, you know, within a half hour.

Right, right.

Like a drive-through.

Yeah.

So

I'm surprised at the, at people being a little upset about an aborted fetus because, I mean,

to me, I think that doesn't mean anything.

It celebrates it celebrates the issue.

Yeah,

they don't have any reasons as to why you shouldn't dress up like this.

I think that's a pretty good counterpoint, though.

That's all I have is good counterpoints.

All right.

Point counter joint, man.

Here we are.

Number four, KKK member.

Yeah.

That's a tough costume to pull off anywhere.

Pull that off anywhere.

I've seen it.

I have seen it.

Really?

I've seen it.

In what year?

Well, and was it Halloween?

It was Halloween.

It was after

05 because I was in the fire department because I remember being like, I can't be at this party if that guy's walking around in a KKK uniform.

Because I was like, look, I was a probe on the fire.

So it had to be 2005, 2006.

I was like, look, this guy can't.

I don't want to be in a picture with this fucking guy walking around like this.

So

that's the kind of picture that comes back to haunt you.

Yeah.

I was like, this guy's fucking nuts.

I'm like, why is he?

Yeah.

So I saw that as recently as 06.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

And it was in Staten Island?

Well, I thought that was.

Of course it was.

That was assumed.

Yeah, yeah.

I would have thought you were down south somewhere, you know, training at a fire facility in the heart of fucking.

The guy who did it was put up burning crosses.

Not too fast, Broby.

Turkey off to that.

No, it wasn't a fireman that dressed like that.

No, no, no.

I was in the fire department.

I thought it was a fireman, too.

No, no, no, no.

We got that on record.

I was in the fire department.

That's how I know.

That's how I know the timing of it.

Gotcha.

No, he wasn't a,

it was not a guy.

I don't even remember his name anymore, but he wasn't a fireman.

Obviously, I wouldn't have told that story

if one of my friends showed up in a KKK uniform.

No, no, no.

Whatever you do, don't go as a crashed Boeing jet.

Nobody's doing this, though.

I know.

Nobody's doing this.

So why even, like, if you're not going to write a legitimate article, don't phone it in, though.

For God's sake, this is rancor.

Do a top 10.

You don't have to do 19 or however many they have.

You should.

Do a tight top 10.

Just didn't have AI write this.

They weren't just like, give me a list of like

offensive Halloween costumes.

Because nobody's.

maybe someone is what do i know well yeah there have been people that like go as the twin towers yeah you know with a jet crashing into them so it's like i just like some of these though i would be like i don't know what you're supposed to be like you're obviously a crashed plane but like specifically a crashed Boeing jet.

Yeah.

That's why I think that's AI right now.

Don't go as an attempted assassin.

Hmm.

So you can't go as John Wilkes Booth this year, huh?

Well, I'm going to cross that out.

Well, he wasn't attempted.

He did assassinate.

So, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Williams Booth.

Oh, they all succeeded.

Who were the failed assassins then?

Well, you know, they, after you know who.

Oh, Trump?

Yeah.

Yeah, what was that kid's name again?

Who cares?

Office coach on his game today.

On his fucking game.

Press that button.

Who cares?

Cash a checks.

Cha-chang.

If only my water was cold, that would have fucking really made it.

Even though it's resurfaced in popularity, don't go as the Menendez brothers.

There's that Netflix series, though, that put them back in the spotlight, though.

Did you see the like the I want to call it a thumbnail for it, like the picture that they use with a long, like they look like two gay lovers, don't they?

Like the way they're posed.

Yeah,

they're like really good-looking guys.

No.

I watched it.

Is it good?

It's good.

It's a good watch.

I heard it changes people's minds.

You know, I think you could come out of it believing whatever you want to.

Right.

But it was weird how they played up.

Like,

they kind of made it a little incestuously gay at times.

Oh, did they?

Not like they're not openly like, but it is weird.

You're like, well, I wouldn't do that with my brother.

Everything from killing my parents to kissing, I wouldn't have done all my brothers.

So, yeah.

But it was entertaining to watch.

That sucks, though, because Debbie has a school Halloween party this year, and we were talking about going as the Menendez Brothers.

You got?

Yeah.

A couple scuffs.

Well, hopefully these people didn't read rancor.

Which one were you going to be?

Which brother are you?

I was going to be Lyle.

Oh, okay.

Q, as tempting as it is, do not go as Diddy.

Do not go as Diddy.

Do not go as Diddy.

And not because of the blackface.

It's just...

Not even saying blackface here.

It's just like anything Diddy related, I guess, is

whites.

Don't wear all white.

Is it though?

Sean John.

Is it because of all the alleged scandals?

I guess so.

I mean, otherwise, like,

alleged doesn't mean anything in this day and age then, huh?

No, that means you did it.

That's what alleged.

I mean, alleged, it has no meaning.

Like, alleged, nobody, everybody's just already convicted the guy.

Pretty much, yeah.

Okay.

Just want to make sure.

And it's hard.

Just put my finger to the window.

I want to make sure where I got to.

Where you got to land?

Yeah.

I mean, he's.

He seems like he did it today.

You know, there's also like, ah, hmm.

There's so many.

We've been wrong before, though.

We have.

I'm wrong most times.

Yeah, you're right.

It would be nuts if he didn't do it.

Like, wouldn't that be the craziest fucking thing if he actually didn't do anything wrong?

I mean, they would say a lot about the media.

Yeah.

You know?

Crazy.

Well, supposedly he's a CIA asset who got turned.

Or they turned.

They got rid of him.

Like, this is them disavowing oh really yeah they burn an asset like that yeah why oh yeah once they have no more use for you or you're compromised yeah but what's the point like you're just making an enemy out of some guy who could blab you just it doesn't matter who's gonna believe him now yeah a lot of people in this country

uh got time for one more brian okay one more we'll do and then we'll uh finish up after our guest uh walt i know that you have a noose and a patriots jersey ready to go as aaron hernandez

Well, that noose is, well, I get that noose out during hockey season, you know, when the devils get eliminated.

Last year I had it out when the Lions got eliminated in the championship game.

And, you know, I had it over the rafter.

But, you know,

somehow, some way I found a reason to carry on.

But yeah, maybe this year I'll break it out and go as Aaron Hernandez.

I get a little pencil-thin mustache.

Yeah.

So you're going to throw it out.

Talk about masturbating constantly.

Throw out that Menendez costume you spend months putting together.

That's funny.

All right.

So we're about to call in our guest, an annual tradition.

Yes, let's see.

I can hear it.

Can you hear it, Q?

I hear it.

One ringy ding.

Hello.

Happy Halloween, Sven.

Well, thank you so much.

Thank you for joining us, too.

We appreciate it.

Yeah, it's good to talk to you again, man.

It's nice to hear your voice.

Well, nice to talk to you guys, too.

Walt came up with some questions.

Okay, well, God bless you.

And

you're going to judge the answers.

Yes.

So, with you being the be-all-end-all on things horror and Halloween, especially monster movies, I thought we would play a game where Bri Q and I try to win your approval, Svengoole, with our answers to six scenarios that you will judge

and get this.

And the person who gets the most points will become the ultimate Sven Groupie.

Whoa.

All right.

Like in the real world, do you have Sven groupies?

Yeah, yeah, unfortunately.

They're all over the place.

Unfortunately.

Whoa.

Well, you know,

I am a married man.

Oh,

okay.

I've been married since 1986.

I'll take that back.

Oh, my wife will kill me.

Actually, 1982.

Wow.

So the sven groupies don't keep her on her toes

oh no she's yeah she's

she's locked in with me yeah she's got it locked down great great and i imagine you get all those hot goth chicks right

oh there's any number of them also you know the slightly mentally off balance

close to being close to being a cat lady type

but there are there are people that we call you know the regulars who show up at everything ours, we like to call them repeat offenders.

And

there are some people who come to every single event that we do.

And it's like, okay, here's your 5,000th autograph.

There's no difference between any of them.

But I mean, really, God bless them for being there, right?

Like, isn't it?

Oh, of course.

It's so nice that people, you know, care enough about the show that they will make it a point to always show up.

Yeah.

And dude, you're the Mac daddy, though.

You are the Mac daddy of what you do.

So like if I was a hot goth girl, I mean, I would be all over you.

Let's not think about that right now.

That sounds like a good Halloween costume, actually.

Well, there, yeah.

See, now you're thinking.

All right, you want to roll right into it, Sven, with the first scenario?

Okay.

Scenario one.

A quick pitch synopsis, kind of like what you would read on the back of a DVD or a VHS back in the day if you were at the video store of a movie.

Something real quick where we give you a new take on the universal monster we think is the lamest.

Okay.

So we're going to do a like kind of like a reboot on it on what we think is the lamest universal monster.

Sounds good.

All right.

Bra, you want to go first?

Sure.

Mine is the she-wolf of London.

All right.

In the original.

I know that one.

You know that one?

The Dune Lockhart.

Yes.

Fucking Lost in Space?

Wow.

Do you need a reboot on that?

Well, yeah, because

in the original movie, there's no sign of a werewolf anywhere.

I say you remake it with Sidney Sweeney.

Oh,

I think she should be in everything.

It sounds like he's got the point.

I don't know if you remember, but Sven didn't like the big chesty women.

I remember Morgana last year.

He didn't pick me.

Oh, yeah, but he did like Elvira.

Well, that didn't mean that I didn't like that type of woman.

It just was, you know, there was a better scenario going.

That's all.

Okay.

It's a man of integrity, Wolf.

Yeah.

Okay, so we remake it with Sidney Sweeney.

Let her actually turn into a she-wolf.

You drop the who done it angle for a more straightforward psychodrama where Sidney doesn't know if she's the wolf or not.

Turns out she is, since we see her shed all her clothes and transform into the she-wolf.

The rest of the movie is about the patriarchy and how she needs to stay in her lane as a female human, but when transformed, she cuts loose and exclusively kills men.

Hmm.

All right.

That's very impressive, I have to say.

You want to go next, kid?

Yeah, I'm just a little surprised that's what he came up with.

That sounds like something exactly a modern horror writer would come up with and you'd hate.

I know.

People buy that shit.

Okay, yeah, I'll go.

I'll go.

So I just thought, look, the mummy.

The classic Universal Mummy.

Boris Karlov.

Yeah, look, he looked great, but as a threat, I just just felt like, you know, slow moving,

you know, kind of just run away from him.

He's not really, you know, you kind of got to fuck up to get killed by the mummy, I think.

He probably did have some supernatural power to him.

But,

yeah, as far as actual physical movement,

glaciers move faster than he did.

So this is kind of the take that I would do on it.

I would make the mummy the good guy.

And there's an angry Egyptian god who's like plotting to decimate mankind.

He's pissed.

He hasn't been worshipped in millennia.

And he's going to punish the humans and make them all believe and make him.

And the mummy is actually the priest that defeated the god last time.

So they have to dig the mummy up to get him

to work with the good guys to kill it.

But he has no tongue.

So he has to actually start killing people to get their tongue.

He needs to put a tongue in his mouth so he could say the words, the incantation to dispel the god.

So even though he's a good guy, it starts out with him trying to hunt down and kill someone and they don't know why.

And then when he gets the tongue, he's able to kind of fucking explain what was going on.

And so that was it.

The mummy's still dangerous, still murderous, but, you know, more of a good guy this time around.

Okay, but it would be R-rated if people are putting their tongues in his mouth.

Oh, it'd have to be R-rated.

And don't forget, you have an Egyptian god going crazy.

You're still getting all the kills because there's still a mad God out there, you know, putting the plague on people,

trying to get people afraid of him and stuff like that.

So it's still wall-to-wall mayhem and murder, but just like with the mummy working for the side of the angels.

Well, that sounds good.

Okay.

Now, do you take points off there, Sven, for him picking one of the top four Universal Monsters, the Mummy?

The lamest

is needing a

lot of that.

No, you can't take points off of that.

And even though we're going to be running that mummy movie in November.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I can't say I would take points off with it.

I love the mummy.

I just think for kids today, the audience today,

they're not going to buy.

They can't even pay attention for more than 15 seconds.

You think they're going to do a slow mummy crawl?

Well, how many remakes have there been?

You know, the recent one with Brendan Frazier.

Then there was the one, was it with Tom Cruise where there's a female mummy?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought the Brendan Frazier ones were good.

The first two were a lot of fun, I thought.

Yeah, actually, I thought the first one especially was really a good blend it kind of had the same feel of a lot of the universals where there was you know comic relief as well as the uh scary stuff yeah that's why that's why i liked them a lot right all right so we got two out of the three all right so my pick for lamest universal monster is phantom of the opera

and i think one of the biggest reasons is because

opera is in the title.

You just can't sell opera in today's world.

What if it was the phantom of the soap opera?

Would that help?

Oh, even those are going the way to Dodo Bird.

There's only like one soap opera left on the air, I think, at this point.

Phantom of the rave?

The soap raves?

Fix it?

It might be a phantom of, it's got to be like the beatbox, like, so it's like an earthquake.

Phantom of the karaoke.

Yeah, but here's how I would revamp it.

I would.

Set it in 1800s, England, still in an opera house, but there's a bitter, arrogant conductor understudy.

He covets the job, the money, the prestige, and the wife of the world-famous conductor he has sat behind for years.

So he

has a midnight satanic prayer and makes a deal with the devil, offering his soul a trade for everything the conductor has and his ruin.

The understudy awakens the next morning lying in his red pentagram, sprawled on the floor with some sheet music beside him.

That evening at the opera performance, the understudy switches the normal sheet music with the satanic sheet music, and the conductor and the orchestra perform this satanic suite.

When the music is performed aloud, it causes a door to hell to open, thus unleashing demons or phantoms, phantoms of the opera, if you will.

I thought this was an elevator pitch.

For some people, just going into an opera house is like opening the door to hell.

So you get demonic horror, you know, right out of the gate.

Anything with Satan in it, you can overcome having opera in it, as long as you have a satanic opera, in my opinion.

Yeah.

All right.

There's some logic holes in it, you know.

You know, you're going to just read all those music without them ever having rehearsed or something like that.

They're professionals, Q.

They work in an opera house in the 1800s.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah.

But they're still all showing up.

You can't question anything.

Oh, they just were happy to be playing?

I mean, it's a fucking cool idea.

I'll grant you you that man i i would actually probably watch that movie if it came out you know and then the opera sounds very mettlish you know it's like almost like symphony music but it's got a sinister tone to it and it's like something that for not meant for human ears

It's the classical version of The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

Oh, yes.

Charlie Daniels is smiling down right now.

Tapping his toe.

Look at this guy kissing up.

That's really got a salesman hat on.

All right, Sven, you got to pick who gave you the best pitch.

Remember, first scenario.

Remember, mine has Sidney Sweeney in it.

Yeah.

Well, I have to say, all of them actually, I think, are really good.

I think that you guys have

certainly got a chance of selling these to someone who will actually make the movies.

And, okay, I have to, you know,

make up for last year.

I have to go with the she-wolf of London.

You got it.

That was, you screwed it, Walt.

You brought up big boobs.

You know when you challenge a man and say he doesn't like big boobs, he has to double down and prove it.

Double down.

Yeah, he has to double D down.

If I did say anything about that, you know, your lack of interest in chess last year, would you have picked that, Sven?

Well,

I think, actually, I think coming in second, a close second, would be the Phantom of the Opera.

Oh, yeah, but all that matters is number one.

That's he only gets one.

He questioned his manhood, bro.

What'd you think he was going to do?

Well, let me reward him.

What would you think is, I don't know if you're able to say, you know, as you work for the business, you know, you're an insider.

What did you think was the lamest universal monster?

I got to think of this because there was one that I just thought was so bad.

I'm not sure if this was universal or not, but we had

creation of the humanoids,

and the humanoids were like you know, these sort of you know, android types that were trying to take over the world,

and it was incredibly boring.

So, it hasn't, you guys haven't shown that one?

We did show it, and I regret it,

I regret it to this day.

It has been second only to the 5,000 fingers of Dr.

T

with Hans Conrad.

It was like a Dr.

Seuss written movie and even Dr.

Seuss hated it.

Oh, all right.

Okay.

All right.

Before we get to the next scenario, let's just take a quick ad break.

Hey, it's been a while since Alicia was on an ad read, but I just had to ask her to join me for this particular ad because, believe it or not, she knows her football.

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The

Lions.

Well, they're doing great this year, right?

Yeah.

And who's your favorite player?

I don't.

From any team.

Yeah, your favorite player.

You know, the one you have the most jerseys of.

Yeah.

Tom Pratt.

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All right, scenario number two.

Okay.

What horror movie creature would you most want as a pet?

Q will go first.

Horror movie creature would most want as a pet Q.

So that movie was Don't Be Afraid of the Dark Where the Things Live in the Walls.

Right.

Yes.

One of those things.

One of the little night creatures.

Yeah, one of the little night creatures that live in the wall and come out at night.

The little furry pinheads.

Yeah, get them.

If I can get one of them in a fish tank, you know what I mean?

With like a heat lamp on top and like a little cave for it to live into and like i throw in some raw meat every day and it eats it like i think that would be that would be a crazy good pet and it's not like the gremlins where you got a bunch of rules you got to worry about you know what i mean you got to worry about getting water feed them on this thing all you got to do is not let it get out of the cage i know there's absolutely things you have to do oh really you cannot take the light of any kind well i just said i make the cave there oh so the heat lamps so you have to live in perpetual darkness too or else you're a cruel inhumane pet owner well we're gonna have to see we're gonna have to test the limits of its light.

Maybe some UV light will help it out or something like that.

Black light only.

Oh, I can blacklight it.

Okay.

Put a little harness on them and then rent them out as chimney sweeps or something.

Yeah, now you're talking.

They did live in chimneys.

I was wondering what the upshot was here to having him as a pet, but yeah, that would make sense.

Well, you know, people

will like buy tarantulas and snakes for pets.

I don't understand why people get them either.

I think this is kind of in the same vein.

But, I mean, you go to a friend's house and they got a little pinhead creature living in a cave.

Like, that's more fascinating than a tarantula.

So, wait a minute.

You're building an artificial cave, though.

Yeah, and like a terrain.

Yeah, like I'm getting it.

They're the size of, like, they're up to your knee, though.

That fish tank is going to

have to be huge.

No, it wasn't.

They weren't that big.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they were probably about knee high, right?

Yeah, the tip of their pinhead was probably just touching your knee.

Oh, that's so.

I got a 55-gallon tank.

That's not a big deal.

You've never seen that show tanked on the animal planet?

Yeah, that's just a matter of getting the right tank.

That's all.

Okay.

Yeah, or maybe like a crate for dogs or something like that.

These are thinking creatures, though, and you're just going to put it in a cage, though.

They're not good creatures, though.

That remains to be seen.

Well, look, that's my answer.

I think it's a fascinating.

Don't be afraid of the dark night creature, pinhead, with hair.

Okay.

Bry.

Me, I went to, back in the 80s to Monkey Shines.

Ella, the Capuchin helper monkey.

And I picked her so she could carry out all my dark intentions.

You know, like, I was thinking of other pets, but like they always turn on you, like Cujo and Cujo or Churchill in Pet Cemetery.

It's like all these pets, they eventually turn on their owners.

And I think Ella actually did too, if I'm not mistaken.

And it's good because as I recall, that monkey was, the owner was a paraplegic, and you're pretty much almost there.

I'm almost there, Sven.

I do so little.

I'm starting to atrophy as we're speaking.

His wife is like, thank God, we're bringing in another helper monkey.

You walk into the living room, the monkey's got its arm around Mary Beth watching TV,

and a cigarette and a beer.

I don't need that kind of help.

Does it have the voice box?

Break the type?

This thing's going to be throwing shit at you.

It's going to be trying to kill your dog.

I mean, you sure about this?

You think so?

I mean, I'll just get a big fish tank put on there.

Another 55 gallons.

And also.

The fish tank business is going to be booming now.

History has shown us that never winds up well.

You know, the monkey usually becomes so jealous and will kill your wife, will kill everything that even tries to get close to you.

So it's just you and the monkey, you know, forever.

Really?

Wasn't it a sitcom?

Me and the monkey?

Yeah, like BJ and the bear looks like he has a good time with his monkey.

Yeah, but that monkey never killed anybody, though.

You know, the monkey shines was, had a, had a body count.

Yeah, but it was carrying out his intentions, though.

What he thought was his intentions.

Well,

twisted.

Every creature is going to be murderous.

They're monsters.

Isn't that where we're going with?

I haven't gone yet.

Unless you got more on Monkey Shines.

No, that's it.

That's it for Monkey Shines.

Okay.

Okay, for me.

My ultimate horror movie creature would be Minya.

For the unwashed masses, Godzuki.

And if anyone comes after me that Minya is not a horror movie creature, I defy anyone at this table to point to a more disturbing monster than Minya.

He's child-aged, but he looks like Uncle Fester after a hard night of drinking toxic waste.

Right?

And he's one of the most disturbing kaiju monsters of all time, right?

And

although Godzilla would breathe the big, you know, blast, he would just do smoke rings.

Yes.

I even have in my notes that me and minya could go down by the pond and he could shoot his little smoke rings out and i would throw rocks through them so that's how we would spend a summer afternoon

he's not caged then he's not i'm not putting him in a tank he could sleep in my bed with me and my wife is he that friendly you sure about that yeah he's friendly he's a friend to all children i don't want to hear where the smoke rings would go then

so what movie did he appear in first Godzilla's Revenge, Son of Godzilla.

And you're classifying that as a horror movie.

Yes, when you look up Godzilla's monster movies, maybe Godzilla's a horror monster.

I'm leaving this up this fan.

There's no way you can't call that a monster.

Look at his big brown eyes.

Look at how cute he is.

Yeah, that's why I'm picking him.

I don't think this is in the spirit of the question.

I gotta be honest.

Horror movie creature.

Yeah.

It is a creature.

Godzilla falls under the horror movie monster criteria.

Does it fall under sci-fi?

No.

When did you show, what movie was it called, what?

It's called Son of Godzilla or Godzilla's Revenge have some major minion content.

Mr.

Svenguly, when's the last time you played either of those movies on your program?

I would say probably two years.

Two years.

Very relevant, man.

Very relevant.

And

I have to side with you on that.

You know, he is a part of that, you know, Godzilla mystique, and it would be considered a,

I guess I'm tipping my hand here because I'm going to go with Minya.

Boo!

Oh,

I love Q coming after me for relevancy when he's picking a 1972 TV movie that no one's ever heard of.

Everybody at this table heard of it.

Yes.

Or at this table, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, I'm on the board.

Q.

You need this one.

Bad.

Okay, it's all right.

Well, actually, what would you want as a horror movie, Pet, Dair Sven?

Oh, that's,

I think I'd want

the hand from Peter Laurie one.

Oh, that'd be fun.

Beast with five fingers.

Yeah, that'd be good.

It'd be very useful, I think, to

take care of small jobs around the house.

All types of jobs, brother.

Let's just leave it at that.

There you go.

It's not coming back next year.

I want to change change my answer to the hand so I have to move even less than I do.

Here we are.

Kiddom's like, can I borrow that handboard?

I'll wash it before I return it.

Just for the weekend.

Just for the weekend.

Hands on a tie.

Hamburger helper.

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Okay, back to TSD and SvenGhouie.

All right, scenario three.

If you could own one object from any horror film, what would it be?

Ooh.

Okay, so I'm going to go first on this one.

Yeah.

I'm sure everyone at the table and Sven is familiar with the Sentinel sphere?

From

Phantom.

I was hoping I'd get somebody.

I thought for sure you guys had never heard it was called the Sentinel.

No, of course.

I know it's called a sphere, but I don't know if you knew.

I thought the Sentinel sphere.

I've watched those movies.

I know.

All right.

All right.

Hold on.

Hold on.

For me, a Sentinel sphere are like floating Alexis of death.

They possess the following powers and abilities.

We know they have flight, but they also have cutting, sawing, and drilling.

Finally, some DIY work can get done while I watch TV around the house.

It extends its owner's influence.

So, in my opinion, the podcast and all the people who do or surround our podcast definitely need more of my influence and force than them.

So, and I won't name names, but with this fear, I can finally influence far more effectively to the people that surround me.

It has through terror.

It has pursuit and tracking ability.

You know, I can't find my phone, boom,

send out the sentinel sphere.

Get lost while I'm driving, boom, unleash the sphere and let it go fly out the window, and I just follow it home.

So, you're using like Google Maps?

Yeah.

Yeah, so what if it kills a hobo or two on the way home?

Now, you don't know this, Fenn, but this would be very good for our office manager, Gidem, but it pumps out vital fluids from any target.

So our office manager is endlessly draining his body parts whenever I walk into the office.

Like he has these ganglion cysts.

And inevitably, every time I walk in, he's draining

something from an appendage of his.

We don't want Ocean to yours.

So I could just send in the Sentinel sphere and now drain that and get all that fucking infected pus out of there.

fever's going to kill itself.

Sphiel's going to roll into traffic.

And then finally.

Isn't there brains inside of him?

It's the souls of

the people

it kills, but it also injects poison.

And I will say I'm thinking of replacing that ability with Coke so I can have a traveling soda fountain at a moment's notice.

He's taking the Senator Sphere and turned it into a cartoon.

It's like a boy and his dog.

You know, like,

I just want to have a soft drink.

You know, the Sentinel Sphere could come over and just, you know, dispense a nice cold drink.

I don't have the same spout that Giddam's ganglionist would have come out of.

It's very sanitary.

Yeah, but like, what?

I mean, how, like, you have no concerns about it just being a murderous ball of hate?

Well, it's under my influence.

The tall man made it a murderous ball of hate.

I see.

Now, for me, it's the ultimate, like, you know, time saver

and helpful gadget around the house now.

Okay.

Okay.

So, Bri, you want to follow that?

Not really.

That was actually pretty good.

I was impressed by that because I almost picked the sphere myself, but I was like, somebody else is going to.

Okay.

So instead, I picked Christine from the movie Christine.

That's a good movie.

I said, what's better than a car that has your back all the time and repairs itself should something go wrong?

Oh, you'll save tons and repair bills.

Yep.

That's what I was thinking.

The bullies could come and smash up my car.

Next day, it's good as new.

And no bullies.

And no bullies, yeah.

Yeah.

Tired of bullies.

Your monkey is not going to be happy to have a car now also vying for your attention.

Yeah, because Christine gets jealous.

You're right.

Yeah.

I've got a monkey in a car that I'm dealing with.

Just sitting in his room, just chapping himself that two things are fighting over it.

A maniacal monkey and a possessed car, just moving the curtain aside as they're fighting in the driveway.

Get a big grin on his face.

I knew I was worthwhile.

You can get a babysit, a baby seat put in.

I could bring my pinhead around.

We could drive around.

Yeah, that would be a good idea.

Oh, my God.

That would be good.

Wow, man.

Fuck.

We got the Sentinel Sphere and we got Christine Q.

Okay.

I mean, I had the Hellraiser box, the Lament configuration.

Yes.

One,

I thought it was a

stylish to have around the house.

Like it's an interesting.

As a decorative piece?

Yeah, under like a glass dome so people don't just pick it up and start going for it.

It's very responsible.

Yeah, but

I think it's such a beautiful piece.

And then knowing that, like, if I had a problem with a neighbor or something like that, I could just leave it in his mailbox or on his porch or something like that.

And then just sit back and wait a few weeks for Pinhead and Crew to take care of business, then just go get it back, neighbor gun.

Suddenly, my property line dispute's over and done with.

So you're using yours for retribution, though.

Yeah, look, I'm using it for what it's created for.

Yeah.

I'm not here to decide.

I'll get my own soda.

know, it's mainly about the property line disputes that I'm more concerned about.

It doesn't, does it could it help influence Giddam?

That's the other thing that the sear does.

Well, I figure if I flip it open enough time, Giddam's going to come out of the fucking thing.

Now, are you confident you can solve one of those?

Because I think a lot of listeners are probably going, there's no way cues.

Oh, I stopped by.

I think I'm in no danger of opening it.

Yeah, I have no intention.

I think it's quite safe in my hands.

I'll give it two turns and I'll be like, fuck this.

I'm all thumbs.

Yeah, I think it's safe with me and it can be used for my purposes.

All right, so we got a Sentinel sphere, Sven.

We've got Christine and we've got Hellraiser's puzzle box, his Rubik's Cube.

Okay, well, I think this is going to even things up.

I'm going with the Hellraiser box.

Whoa!

What?

I especially think that would be handy, you know, if you have the torch pirates who come and steal things delivered to your house.

Leave that out there.

That'll teach them.

Now you're talking.

That's a great idea.

Yeah, you know what?

Yeah.

But you know what?

I could leave the Sentinel Sphere on the porch, too, you know, Sven.

Well, you don't want to kill the porch pirates, do you?

Then you're responsible.

I'll just, I'll just maybe think it's, yeah, you can also give it to the little league.

They'll use it as a ball.

Things will turn nasty in no time.

Right.

Right.

Plus, the spear is going to just kill them, right?

Like, or hurt them.

Like, the box, if those porch pirates don't pick it up and start messing with it, then they got no problems.

Exactly.

It's on them.

All right.

You deal a lot with that out where you're at, Sven?

Oh, yeah.

That happens all the time here.

Oh, all right.

It sounds like Sven had a couple packages go missing.

Well, they tried to take my coffin, but that was a little too cumbersome.

So

they had to get a whole team of people to try to get that.

Now, do you have a particular horror object that you would want, Sven?

If you could

going old school,

have

all that

sparking equipment from the Frankenstein movies.

Special effects done by Ken Strickfadden, I think his name was.

But that stuff.

And they used it in, it's the same stuff they used in Young Frankenstein.

It was the classic universal, you know, Dr.

Frankenstein laboratory stuff.

And I just, I've always been amazed by that.

And, you know, it probably wouldn't serve much purpose other than, you know, like disco party lights or something.

But I always was fascinated by that stuff.

So what wound up happening to those pieces?

Were they ultimately destroyed?

I think that they're still around.

Somebody still has them because they were used by Mel Brooks and Young Frankenstein.

And I wouldn't doubt that Universal has kept them, you know, in a safe place now.

And they're really revered by the movie fans.

And you haven't put out the feeler for those?

I imagine with your clout and your influence, they would just give them to you.

We have enough trouble just being able to secure the rights to the movie.

I mean, in all honesty, I mean, I think in Chicago, it's Michael Jordan and then you in terms of like

beloved sons of that area, right?

Of the Windy City?

That's nice of you to say.

I don't know.

Bozo the Clown enters into it too, you know?

No way.

Oh, yeah, people love Bozo.

The Bozo here was, I think, the one that lasted the longest of all local TV Bozos,

other than the management of some of the stations.

You're being very kind to Bozo, but we both know that he's like number, like, he's in the 20s at best.

I mean, you're even above Mike Ditka.

Well, there are people who would argue with that too, of course, but

did Bozo get a lot of tail?

Like a lot of women?

That's a very good question.

I'm afraid that's not within my sphere.

I'm going to imagine he did.

It sounds like Sven would like to go into scenario four as quickly as possible.

All right.

Sorry, Sven.

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Scenario four, which four monsters are you putting on the monster Mount Rushmore?

Oh, Brian Johnson, you're up first.

All right.

It's a little out of the box here, Sven, because there's so many monsters to choose from.

It's very difficult.

Like you could go with the classics, but, you know, that's already been done.

Why wouldn't you?

On the Mount Rushmore, go for the classics.

Mount Rushmore, because then we would all have the same answer.

So

I kept mine to the things that I like.

And

it's a little inclusive, too, I'd say.

Got two women on this list.

Nice.

Look at you.

I have the Xenomorph Queen from Alien.

Okay.

I have Hannibal Lecter.

I have Reagan in her demon form from The Exorcist.

And the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror.

There you go.

Oh, that is the most obscure Mount Mount Rushmore, though.

Only the hardcore of hardcores are going to travel to go see that.

Yeah, that's true.

Tourism will cut down quite a bit.

The park will close with the lack of ticket sales.

No, when we recently had an alien movie, at Hannibal Lecter, I mean the Anthony Hopkins one.

Okay.

Yeah, Zuni Fetish doll.

I'm not sure how many people will recognize, but I was.

So is it in scale too?

So like the Anthony Hopkins head is massive, and then we have a little pebble-sized head of the Zuni Fetish doll.

It would all be to scale.

I mean, it wouldn't be the scale.

It would be, you know,

giant.

Yeah, it would be giant.

Okay.

So you have two women, one man, and a doll.

An alien queen is considered a woman.

Female gender.

Looking for points here.

You sure are.

You want me to go second, Q?

No, okay.

You want to go?

All right.

I mean, is that, are we going?

Yeah, go.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

I mean, look, I went the opposite direction.

I don't think you could have a Mount Rushmore without Dracula.

Like, he's the vampire that started everything, you know?

Frankenstein's monster.

I don't know how you not have him up there.

I think those two have got to be on the cornerstones of it, like one and the other.

Then I went a zombie.

And maybe not a specific zombie, but I think one could be found.

But I think that given what zombies have done to horror and pop culture, they need to be represented up there.

How about Bub from Day of the Dead?

Okay, maybe he would be good.

I was thinking maybe the tar man from Return of Living Dead.

That's a good one.

Yeah, a real zombie-looking guy.

And then for the final one, look, this was difficult for me because I think you have to represent the slasher genre if you're talking horror on Mount Rushmore.

It would be insane not to have a slasher up there.

And despite my personal feelings on the matter, I think you got to put Mike Miles, Mike, Michael Myers up there because he's kind of like the granddaddy of all the slashers.

Okay.

So for me, it's Dracula Frankenstein, a zombie.

A generic zombie.

Any zombie will do.

We'll find the right zombie, but a zombie.

And

yeah, Michael Myers.

Michael Myers.

I think you have to represent slashers.

Okay.

All right, Sven.

So since I'm going last, I don't think you should penalize me for picking some of the same monsters that

my companions have picked.

And now when I go first, you can penalize them if they come.

I'm not holding it again.

You're wasting your breath.

I already won this round.

I have Dracula for all the same reasons that Q mentioned.

I have the Frankenstein monster.

Yeah.

And I believe Q said he just called him Frankenstein, which.

No, I said Frankenstein's monster.

Okay, all right, all right.

We'll check the tape on that.

Didn't think I didn't walk into this room knowing that that was going to be a fucking issue.

And I'm going to complete the trilogy with the Wolfman, the holy trinity of monsters.

It's got to be Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, and the Wolfman.

Abbott Costello have deemed it so.

And number four,

at the risk of brown-nosing, some may call it, I'm putting you up there, Sven.

Wow.

This is bullshit.

I believe you deserve to be up there for all you've done in promoting the classic monsters.

You deserve your place up there.

If it was up to me, you'd be up there alone, but we got to put these other three

Joes up there too.

So

the question was, couldn't I wish kind of like the Lincoln Memorial?

Yeah.

Because the question was, which four monsters are you putting on Mount Rushmore?

Well, Sven Ghoulie's definitely a monster.

He is a monster?

Oh, yeah.

He sleeps in a coffin.

Yeah, talk to the people I work with.

I don't know.

Well, he's too humble a guy to pick that.

I think you messed up.

No, he is very humble.

At the end of the day, everybody knows it's true.

Yeah.

Those Mount Rushmores these guys have, it's like I could have seen that on the the internet

everybody you know that you'd love to see your face as tall as a building Sven

You know it

dude you represent one you represent one time in horror You didn't even go the gamut you've just been the three easiest ones

Holy Trinity of monsters and then an ass-kissing fourth one.

He's not gonna pick you

No way

I represented the entire fucking the entire march of of horror

You've got a nameless zombie up there.

Well, we could do Bubbo with tarman.

Yeah, okay, yeah, that'll sell tickets.

Who's that, mommy?

Tarman?

What?

You think kids don't want to pay to see a 15-story high version of a zombie?

Carved in rock?

Well, Sven almost looks like a zombie.

Now he's just insulting.

Yeah.

You know, if you really wanted to save money and not have to do much work, you could have made one of them look blob.

Invisible man,

all right,

who are you going with?

Oh, the invisible man, that's a great choice.

Yeah, save, save millions.

Who said that?

Oh, the office coach

pay today.

All right, Sven, it's a tough one.

I know, and I know that you don't want to pick mine because you don't want to sound like you know, arrogant or egotistical, but

you know, you're definitely worthy of the honor.

Well, that's nice.

Now, I would have gone with three of yours and then added as the fourth the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Okay, I'll change it to that.

Underrated.

No, too late.

Sorry.

I think I'm going to go with Q on this.

Oh, I take the lead now.

In spite of the nameless zombie he was talking about at first.

I want to put on Tracular?

Make it that.

Frankenstein?

Tarman.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Tarman, yeah.

Tarman.

Tarman's iconic.

What?

What movie was he in?

Return of Living Dead.

Yeah, he is.

Oh, yeah.

He's very well known, quite honestly.

I guess.

Which one's Return of Living?

I guess.

Yeah.

Were the girls running around naked the whole movie?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

That's the one.

That's a great movie.

That's a great movie.

Oh, Return of Living Dead is so iconic.

Even the second one's really, really solid.

So, Sven, what you have just done is you have kept the Wolfman off because of your inability to just accept that

you are just as important as those guys.

Well, I don't know.

You've got to go with the main three, which is Frankenstein tracks on the Wolfman.

That goes without saying.

I think if you really were doing that, most people you would ask would definitely go with that.

Now, if you were doing it from different eras, I think you'd go more with Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger.

Tarman.

And

he kind of bleeds over into both groups.

When I hear Tarman, I think of the Marlboro man, like some sort of smoking unit.

Tarman or something.

Yes, the fact that, you know, those awful tires.

I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Tarman...

the actual genesis of zombies going brains.

Yes.

He's the first zombie to ever say it.

You hear that one?

That's true.

Tarman's the first zombie to ever say brains.

He's the one that put brains in the zombie lexicon.

Okay.

That's the George Washington of zombies.

Over Wolfman.

Yeah, I think zombies have over a werewolf.

Yes.

Who's making werewolf movies today?

They're coming out with a new one.

Yeah, how great does that look?

It looks awesome.

All right.

So Q's got the lead here.

If he gets this next one, he wins.

Oh, this is getting tough.

There's only two scenarios left.

Step up here.

Okay, I'm ready.

Yeah, we don't, I mean, a tie is like kissing your sister, though.

You ever hear that?

I don't have a sister, but that sounds fun.

All right, now before we move on, let's take, I promise, our final ad break.

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Scenario 5 is the most involved, Sven.

It calls for you to really weigh a lot of factors.

Okay.

We must pick a four-member movie monster team.

Remember Q, not a TV movie, a theatrical movie.

You ain't got to worry about me.

I understand this.

Don't be afraid of the dark.

That will be the only thing standing between Earth and an alien apocalyptic invasion bent on annihilating every man, woman, and child on the planet.

But your team must be made up from these four categories.

One classic Universal Monster movie monster.

One 80 Slasher movie monster.

One supernatural monster.

And one non-humanoid monster.

Who do you want to go first, then?

You pick.

Let's start with Brian.

All right.

Yeah.

Classic Universal Monster.

I went with the She-Wolf of London.

Cindy Sweeney.

No, just kidding.

I went with Dracula because I said he can fly in shapeshift, and we're uncertain what his bike can do to an alien, so we might as well give it a try.

The other monsters, I I was like, they can be defeated, they can be destroyed, they can be torn apart, but I feel like Dracula had the best chance of, you know, staying alive unless they have stakes throughout a battle with aliens.

And remember, Sven, don't penalize anyone for repeat answers.

You know, and when

that's awesome.

Okay, okay.

Just want to make sure I got that.

I think Waltz has Dracula.

Twice.

Okay, who is your 80s slasher movie monster?

No, this one's between Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees.

And I said, Michael Myers debuted in the 70s.

So I was trying to remain pure.

You said 80s.

He did have some movies in the 80s.

Movies in the 80s.

Yeah, I would call it.

If you want to say Michael Myers, I think we can bend the rules here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm going with Jason Voorhees still, though.

I said, both are relentless and come back from seemingly certain death.

Okay.

All right.

And who is your supernatural monster?

You're going to love this one, Sven.

This is obscure.

Lewis Cipher from Angel Heart.

What?

Yeah,

he's the devil.

Wow.

wow that that is pretty obscure to most

yeah so obscure everybody listening to this is like who he's the devil in angel heart i mean it's a great movie it's fair play man said fen is fen ghoulie didn't know the movie i'd be like hey maybe but

let me just check the rules no it doesn't say the deeper the cut the more points you get okay let's move on

i put some thought into this fven gholy that's why that was my crime

i got you

who is your non-humanoid monster?

This one, I had a couple of decisions.

I had a decision to make.

I had a couple of choices, but I went with the Death Angels from a quiet place because all they need to do is hear sound.

Ooh.

Aliens.

That's a modern one.

So you're using aliens to fight aliens.

Yeah.

And how are you controlling those?

Oh, I got to control all these guys?

You're building a team.

I thought once I built it, they wouldn't.

Shut your mouth, get them.

Don't give them any clues.

All right, he's done.

We're moving on.

I don't want to answer that question.

You put a loose cannon on the team there.

Oh, man.

That could get dangerous.

It could.

You might have lunch.

If he hears me there.

If he hears me, I'm dead.

If he hears anybody, they're dead.

Wow.

Okay.

So you got that, Sven.

You're all locked in on Brie's.

You're having them all.

I've got that all written down here.

Okay.

BQ.

Okay.

Universal monster.

Classic Universal Monster, like all of us, had to go with Dracula.

I mean,

you're getting stealth.

You're getting mind control.

Yes.

You're getting viciousness.

You're getting thousands of years of military experience.

You're getting his brides, possibly, or other people that he's getting under control.

Yes, he does have the weakness of the daytime, but, you know, nighttime assaults are a thing for a reason.

So I think that...

And the best kind of assaults.

Yeah.

Changes into a bat, slips into their ship, starts biting necks.

Dracula is the obvious choice for me, I think.

I think we all agree.

And remember, Sven, no penalties for multiple answers.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I would never do that.

I just want to make sure

you understand that.

I think Walt has Lewis Cipher.

80s Slasher.

Look, you knew this was coming from me.

You got my boy Jason Voorhees for the same reason that Brian selected him.

He's indestructible.

You're not keeping this guy down.

He's coming at you no matter what.

All we got to do is tell him that, hey, that guy over there made a crack about your mom and Jason Voorhees is going after the alien king like nobody's business.

business indestructible okay so you got to go with him i think

uh supernatural monster now here's where i i expect some controversy here uh i'm going for the leprechaun

leprechaun

yeah you got a magic user on your side now why would you consider that uh controversial well because you know i don't think they're the most well-respected horror movies of all time

if it fell into the supernatural category which i feel it does oh i believe so yeah i i just think that people would kind of laugh at the leprechaun at first, at first point.

Well, of course, Ven is holding it in right now.

Sure, but if you think about it, if you think about it, you got a magical guy who

could distort reality to whatever suits him best.

And he doesn't want to see planet Earth fall to the aliens more than anybody else.

So he is going to get on there and do his vicious, most magical best to save his gold from these aliens.

It's all about the gold.

It's all about the fucking gold.

That's it.

Yeah.

So to me.

It's magically magically delicious.

You got that, right?

Suddenly, these aliens, you know how he would always make these illusions that they, you know, you walk into something and he would make illusions for the aliens and stuff like that and screw them up.

I think, for me, underrated player who's going to come in and change the whole tone of the game for me.

Okay.

I think.

And your non-humanoid monster.

This is the exact opposite.

I think that you guys are going to wish that you chose this yourself.

I'd say you get the blob.

I almost picked the blob.

Get the blob on.

Totally uncontrollable.

No brain.

All you got to do is freeze them.

Yeah.

Frozen bullet, shoot him into the alien's ship, then sit back and wait while this blob eats everything on that ship.

Every alien, every control panel, everything.

Oh, wait a minute.

I forgot to tell you, the aliens are gelatinous blobs as well.

Well, I don't know.

Come on now.

I think if you get five or six, you cut the blob up into five or six pieces, freeze them, fire them at high capacity into the UFOs, the war is one right there.

And we know how to defeat a blob.

A bunch of teenagers did it in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania back in the 50s.

Stephen Queen did it.

Yeah, we can handle this.

So I think that that's our secret weapon is the blob.

Okay, so you got all that, Sven?

Dracula.

Yeah, so you have to get all the aliens into a movie theater and then send the blob after them.

Yeah, but that's all right.

We'll just show the first alien movie with that hot alien queen.

The third one, the second one, I mean, yeah.

There you go.

Okay, so I am up last.

I'm at a

disadvantage, obviously, going last because I'm I'm again picking Dracula.

Lagosi's Dracula, a born leader, cruel and unforgiving.

Dracula will take the role of leader and make the team decisions that will lead Earth to victory over the alien invaders.

My 80s slasher movie monster, if it's alive, it sleeps.

That's why my 80s slasher pick is the one and only Freddy Krueger.

Yes.

The

psychological advantage of being able to attack the aliens on a dream battlefield will be far more impactful than having some machete-wielding maniac.

If aliens dream.

If aliens dream.

Oh my God.

If it lives, it sleeps.

You don't know that.

Yeah, it looks like that on the same cycle as us.

Yeah, but sleeping is different from dreaming.

If it sleeps, it dreams.

I don't know about that.

Come on, if it's alive, it sleeps, was my go-to line.

That's on the poster of this movie.

Is it?

Yeah.

I feel like you're running a risk with

humanity's.

Come on, Freddy Krueger.

But if the alien doesn't even have a brain, if it doesn't dream, how's it...

Yeah, you're taking a big risk because if he...

I'm a risk taker.

If he doesn't go to

the dream world, yeah, you're fucked.

Okay, my supernatural monster, my pick for supernatural monster, is the 9- to 11-year-old Damien from the Omen.

This child version of Damien makes him very susceptible to Dracula's hypnotic gaze.

That, along with his Satan-given powers, Damien the Child is the smart choice as the supernatural monster.

My non-humanoid monster, if it's do or die time, you got to call in the big guns.

And there is no bigger gun than the king of the monsters.

Godzilla is my non-humanoid monster.

The Big G has a history of thwarting aliens bent on invading the Earth.

So he's been to this dance before and always leaves victorious.

And before my opponents mention Godzilla's lack of intelligence and destructive behavior is just as dangerous as any alien threat, I point to multiple movies where young Asian boys in short shorts have been able to forge a connection with Godzilla and influence Godzilla to help mankind, which makes my choice of a nine-year-old Damien even more brilliant, as Dracula will have at the ready the shortest booty shorts of all for Damien to

prance around in.

This sounds dangerous, Ben.

You want to hang up?

Damien will

forge a relationship with Godzilla and a friendship almost, and Godzilla will then take on the aliens for the love of Damien.

Yeah, there's a lot of what-ifs going on here.

What if aliens?

Well, Godzilla could also be swapped out for the giant turtle.

Gamera.

Yeah, Gamera.

Because as was stated many times in the movies, Gamera is the friend of all children.

Yes.

He also had his bevy of short, short male boys running around for his attention.

I just don't want to leave the planet in the hands of a boy in short shorts.

He's only a boy in form.

He's Satan himself, though.

Yeah.

Just Satan in a childlike version.

And Godzilla's horny for him.

No, no.

It's not that sexual.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Species mingling going on here.

No, no, no.

It's just a friendship that

little boys have with kaiju monsters.

Where does the short shorts come into play?

It's just a fashion in 1960s, Tokyo.

There's too many questions for me here, man.

I don't know.

I know you got a lot of thinking to do here, and it's a really hard decision, but this is huge.

You know, you want to run over the teams one more time?

Yeah, Brian has.

I have Dracula.

I have Jason Voorhees.

Yep.

Lewis Cipher from Angel Heart.

And the Death Angels from A Quiet Place.

Q has.

Dracula.

Dracula.

Dracula.

Dracula.

Wasn't that a John F.

Kennedy speech?

I am the Dracula.

Yeah, so I got him.

I got Jason Voorhees.

I got the Leprechaun and the Blob.

You have Jason Voorhees too?

Yeah, Dracula and Jason.

Okay, so there's two Draculas.

No, there's three Draculas and two Jason, though.

Only one Leprechaun and one Blob, though.

Yeah.

Definitely only one Lewis Cipher.

And I, of course, have Dracula as well.

I have my non-humanoid as Godzilla, my supernatural as Damien, and my slasher as Freddy, because as we know, if it lives, it sleeps.

All right, Sven.

All right.

Well,

I have to say, one of you came very close to my own personal list.

Oh, you've compiled your own as well?

And just in case this happens?

You know, in case of emergency, break glass on this one.

What's your list?

Well, first, let me say the winner of this one is Walt.

Oh!

The last one's going to decide it.

Yeah.

All right, but go ahead.

But yeah, my list was Dracula.

I also had Freddy Krueger.

And obscure, maybe, for the supernatural, the demon from Night of the Demon.

You know that?

I remember the demon.

Angela, right?

No, no, he was a giant demon on the train.

Yes.

He was absolutely awful.

And I have to give a nod to Q.

I also had the blob on it.

Oh, nice.

Okay, so it's two, two to one.

Indeed, Walt, you and Q are tied up at this moment.

So this will be

either or the complete tie.

Who will be the ultimate Sven Groupie?

In case of prizes, ties will be awarded.

You know, I want it more than anything, Sven.

I can taste it.

I can taste it on the tip of my tongue.

Sven groupy.

All right, so final scenario.

You sound like one of those weirdos that show up in everything.

Well, that's what I'm going to do.

If I become the ultimate Sven Groupie, you can expect to see a lot more of me.

I'll keep that in mind when I finally see this.

I promise you'll never see me if I'm the Sven Groupy, buddy.

I'll never bother you.

All right, scenario six.

Okay.

Disney has purchased every horror IP ever and has hired us to create the ultimate live-action Disney franchise, which means no cartoon characters.

It's got to be live-action and any horror franchise crossover.

We will tell you the ultimate matchup and why we feel it would be a blockbuster.

Now, I would have to imagine that Disney has come sniffing around your front door, right?

Looking to see if they can acquire you.

Only to sue me if I use things about their characters.

I drew, when we were doing our drawing game, I drew Mickey Mouse and we were ready to get the heat on that one.

But it never came, though, huh?

No, we missed it by that much, as they say.

Nice.

All right.

Hootie, would you like to go first

we'll let you pick sven let's start right at the top brian all right

uh i said uh swiss family robinson versus the sawyer family from the texas chainsaw massacre whoa

it's the ultimate matchup because one is clean cut and the other not so much and who wouldn't want to see the goody two-shoes family battle the most violent and psychopathic family to ever hit the big screen

All right.

Swiss Family Robinson.

What year was that?

It was like 1960, I think.

Yeah, Yeah, that's a yeah, it was early.

What was that?

They could be the Swiss Army knight

family.

Yeah,

I thought that would be a great matchup.

You know, like Swiss Family Robinson is living in their tree house and the Sawyer family shows up.

Now, I can't recall that movie.

Were they stranded on an island somewhere?

And is that why?

Yeah, they were stranded on an island and built a tree house.

Yeah, they built a big tree house with all sorts of, you know, it was like the professor from Gilligan's Island making all these things out of coconuts and bamboo.

Okay.

I don't know.

I think that angel hard pick is now looking like a winner.

I did deep sped.

I'm not just like, I know Dracula.

You pick Dracula.

What are you talking about?

You just don't pick Dracula.

I mean, I know Freddy Krueger.

All right, Q?

Okay.

I went with

Herbie the Love Bug.

versus the maximum overdrive killer truck.

Truck.

The truck.

Because I figured you're going to get a Road Warrior-esque murder spree across the United States where Herbie, vastly underpowered, is trying to do anything he can to save people's lives and get and ram this truck off the road.

I think you're going to see a thinking Herbie do what he can to try and kill the maximum overdrive truck.

They're going to get a lot of kills.

You're going to

trucks driving through malls running over people while Herbie's beeping to get people out of the way.

You know what I mean?

And then you got to figure out how Herbie's going to fight this thing.

And at the end, an epic battle, maybe Herbie arms himself in some way, takes on the truck.

I just think that that would be a great.

I would fucking be first online if Disney made.

I would be second because I almost picked this.

Really?

Yeah.

Get out of here.

I almost picked Herbie, but

I was going with Christine, though.

Oh, that would have been good, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Herbie was a pick of mine at the last minute.

I changed it.

I mean, he's already kind of supernatural.

Like, why is that kind of thing?

Yeah, why was Herbie sentinent, Sman?

I can't remember i i actually don't remember either i don't think they ever said did he have the soul of a of a race car driver or something like that i don't remember that being in there no i honestly i i have no recall of it okay so all right so we have because remember in the herbie universe all the volkswagen bugs are alive

oh really oh yeah

because remember when he needed help and like it cut to the it cut to all the all the cars around the country flashing their lights it even cut to the junkyard and there was like a destroyed volkswagen bug

and stuff.

So there's something going on.

It's kind of spooky, yeah.

So a picture of the creator's love fell into a vat of molten metal while he was building him.

And that's why Herbie is sentient.

Oh, a picture?

A picture of, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Yeah.

Nice.

This all came from a picture.

Yeah.

That's fucking crazy.

All right.

But also, like, then the end, like, all those cars, all the, all the Volkswagen bugs are coming to like take on the maximum dress.

They swarm them like army ants.

Oh, yeah.

They're just

all over the truck, all these little bugs.

And they're bugs, too.

So it's very kind of like it's a metaphor.

This is working house.

You should really contact Disney about this, Q.

Yeah, I want to see what they got.

I want to see the casting for that.

Get Lindsay Lohan back.

Yeah, right?

She did the last Herbie movie.

Wow.

I have to follow that, Sven.

And that's a strong, strong pick.

And it really all depends on this.

So, picture, if you will,

Escape to Blair Witch Witch Mountain.

Do you remember Escape to Witch Mountain?

Sure, yes, yes.

All right, so this is a found footage thriller that centers on two twins who run away from an orphanage and hide in the neighboring woods, documenting their adventure on their phones.

Things go horribly wrong when they run across disemboweled wildlife, strange sibyls burnt into the ground, and bizarre mutated animal corpses.

Culminating in our final scene when the twins happen upon a pulsating UFO deep in the forest thinking that they are from a safe distance filming it they soon realize they are surrounded by something alive and not human

aliens I was wondering how you're gonna fit the aliens in because they're aliens right yeah they weren't they weren't they weren't witches they were actually aliens from another world I fit it in Q so where are the witches it's just the mountain's just called witch mountain

Yeah, that's the only witch.

Oh, but you said Blair Witch, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, the mountain's called Blair Witch Mountain.

What's the crossover?

The crossover is that the kids, it's found footage just like the Blair Witch.

It's a found footage movie.

And at the end, one of the twins just staring in the corner.

And nothing happens at the end.

And the other twins just scream and crying hysterically.

So that's actually a lot of fun.

That's how it's Blair Witch.

And the other friend's going, I'm so scared.

It's not coming out of your notebook.

All right.

Everything rides on this decision, Sven.

Who will be the ultimate Sven Groupie?

Well, I had to think about this very carefully, but the most convincing one to me had to be Herbie

Green Goblin Face Truck.

So, Q, you get the nod on this.

I am the Sven Groupie, man.

I lied.

I'm coming there.

I'm going to show up and everything.

Oh, fine.

I'll get the order of protection done now so that we don't have to worry about it then.

Wow.

I can't believe how good I feel in this moment.

You know, I don't know if you realize this, Sven, but like, I spent a full year stewing

365 days with that bitter defeat from last year.

And I got to say, like,

I don't know if you're going to be back next year.

He's like, oh, no.

You can rock to Elvira.

So you got a free hour next year, buddy.

I hold grudges.

And fool me once.

Yeah, okay.

Shame on me.

You know, you know the rest.

I don't like that you're making this about you, Wolf.

This is about me.

I'm the Sven Groupie.

The ultimate Sven Groupie.

The ultimate Sven Groupie.

That's me right here.

Herbie, man.

If you had told me I would have gotten over that hump with Herbie?

Like I said, I almost picked Herbie.

Yeah.

And he should.

And again, what got me was the idea of all the Volkswagen bugs attacking.

Oh, great.

That was a last-minute attack.

I love it.

A great idea.

Thank you.

Well, Spaniel, all kidding aside, thank you.

It is an honor.

It is a privilege to have you grace us on our podcast again on Halloween.

And I can't thank you enough.

You are

the ultimate in what you do, and

it is amazing that you still find time to come on our little podcast and celebrate Halloween.

Well, thank you.

It's always fun to talk to you guys.

We've been doing stuff on the show.

This is actually 45 years since I started being this character.

Wow.

And,

you know, the reason I'm still around is because of guys like you who are into it and enjoy it and have shown your support for me.

so I appreciate that a lot.

I love you, Svengooley.

I love you more, Svengooly.

He may have the title, but I'm telling you right now, I come harder for you than he will ever.

I'll do anything.

I don't mean it that much.

Anything you need, gotta go.

I don't mean it.

I have Svengoole bobbleheads.

I have the comic books.

You know, I have the action figure, the reaction figure.

I got it all.

Explain it away.

Not all.

The only thing I don't have is the title.

There's always next year.

Well, thank you.

Yeah, thank you, Sven.

Yes.

Happy Halloween.

Thank you.

Same to you guys.

I appreciate your talking to me.

And I'll see you on me TV.

See, I have to get the plug every Saturday.

Every Saturday, whether you like it or not.

Oh, we like it.

Yeah, we love it, brother.

I'll be watching as a tear rolls down my cheek and my wife goes, what's the matter?

Nothing, honey.

I'm going to buy one of the WWE belts, and I'm just going to put, I'm going to tape a picture of Sven Ghoulie onto it, and that's going to be my belt.

Very cool.

Happy Halloween, Sven.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Same to you.

Thanks, buddy.

Take it easy.

Thank you very much, guys.

Thank you so much.

It was really an honor, privilege, and all that because you're awesome.

I really, I always have a great time talking to you guys.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye.

Not going to lie, it really does sting.

I could tell.

I know when you're kidding.

I put so much thought into it.

I wanted it so bad.

I think you tripped yourself up with

putting him on the spot, you know, putting his manhood about it.

Well, that and the Mount Rushmore, putting him on it, I think, came off.

I thought he would like a little brown nosing.

I don't think he could publicly accept it.

I don't really brown nose a lot, so when I get my nose in there, I'm going to go in hard.

You know, you're going to know I was there.

You're not going to forget anytime soon that I was up there.

You're making a lot of weird statements tonight.

Out of context, a lot of things are going wrong.

All right.

Well, is that it then?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, I still have some more costumes.

Oh, okay.

And

if you guys really want to do it, I was afraid that the episode might fall apart.

So I had ChatGPT write a Halloween episode for us.

So it's two pages of what ChatGPT thinks a Telep Steve Dave Halloween special would be like.

You thought that it would fall apart with Sven Guli on it?

Okay, so for the rest of the, there's not that many more.

There's a, don't do any overly sexual versions of the Hoctua girl.

We're talking about costumes again.

Come on.

Isn't it overly sexualized already?

I mean, she kind of put herself in that context.

You know, it's not like it's Marie Osmond, you know, and you're sexualizing her.

Is that an outdated reference?

That's all we dropped here.

Has anybody ever compared Marie Osmond and Hoctua

in any instance?

At least she didn't say Doris Day.

Try to be relevant.

I was going to say Doris Day, not a dinosaur.

At least Marie Osmond's still performing somewhere, right?

She's still

really good looking.

I don't know if it's au naturale, but it doesn't matter.

She is still stunning.

Awesome.

She's that healthy Mormon living.

Yeah.

Don't go's O.J.

Simpson.

Still, even this many years later.

This many years later, still

don't do OJ.

This is kind of an obscure one.

Dan Schneider.

Oh,

from how from Nickelodeon?

From Nickelodeon, yeah.

Yeah, no, no one is going to fucking know.

How would you know it was him or not?

Unless you have Dan Snyder on your name tag.

Yeah.

It's just his character from head of the class.

I'm telling you, this is just AI reading what happened.

This is just that clickbait shit.

to get guys like you who want to rage.

Good housekeeping.

Really thought that's a good thing.

I posted all of these.

Why can't I go as a school school shooter?

Get this, Mary Beth.

I can't go as Dan Snyder.

What the fuck are you going to wear now?

Yeah, let him tell me I can't go as Dan Snyder.

Just let him.

Just let those motherfuckers try to take it away from me.

Let the party don't.

Like, who are you?

I'm like Dan Snyder.

Like, who's that?

I'll fucking knock anybody out who says I can't be Dan Snyder.

Fucking rancor.

Don't go as someone getting deported by Trump.

Which I guess means a migrant,

I guess.

Yes.

Ozempic face.

Why can't you go with Ozempic face?

I don't know.

Like I said, there's no reasoning.

It's a side effect?

It's a side effect of, yeah, like taking Ozempic.

What's Ozempic do for you?

It's supposedly for...

Losing weight.

Yeah, losing weight, throwing A1C, all that diabetes and stuff.

Diabetes.

It was at first, and then they discovered that it had weight loss properties, so people started taking it for the loss of weight.

And now they find out it may be helpful with addictions and stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's like Bell Palsy face.

Like, you know, you'd be...

Well, it's what they, what it said is, like, you get haggard looking because you lose the fat on your face.

Yeah, yeah.

And, like, everything starts to fall.

It starts to sag a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So people get Ozempic face.

It's going to be hard to pull off, you know.

Well, you have some dark circles on your eyes.

Yeah, that you,

I think we, I think people taking Ozempic are up for making fun of.

Like, why wouldn't you?

Why not?

Like, oh, no, no, no.

Let's be sensitive about people who take Ozempic.

Yeah, which is mostly everybody's fucking days I'm learning.

Two more.

Don't go as Vince McMahon.

Ooh, cue.

You were about to do that, weren't you?

Fuck.

You're going to bring a lady with you with a pile of crap on her head?

Yeah, it's going to be like, this is mine.

Yeah, I mean, it's a boring costume to begin with, but

I mean, I also saw someone walk up, but he's got that funny walk he does when he comes out.

You know, I get it, but I, you know, whatever.

That seems like a silly one.

That's a silly one.

And then the final one, which I feel like some people are going to do, that's Trump with a post-assassination attempt ear bandage.

Why can't you do that?

That to me feels like you could do that, though.

Like, yeah, that's not going to.

I mean, maybe it'll upset who.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's a tough one because it's so clownish.

Because I feel like the left would be like, ah, it's funny, man.

He got shot at.

And the right would be like, yeah, man, he got shot at and fucking pumped his fist.

Like, who's being offended by it?

Although we did mention it on the show, and people got offended.

So, yeah, that's true.

So who knows?

Yeah, so that's the list of if that helps you out, don't dress your kids as any of this stuff or not go to parties, you know, dressed as any of this stuff.

Oh, you really did do this?

I know you were teasing.

No, no.

No, it's just a couple pages.

Okay.

You actually wrote a Tell Hem Steve Dave Halloween special.

Well, you didn't write it.

You had the computer write it.

AI wrote it.

Yeah.

It's a haunted concession stand.

Yes.

I don't want to give anything more away than that, but you have to act.

Yeah, do a little acting here.

It's Tellum Steve Dave Halloween special.

Presents the haunted concession stand.

Wow.

And we would have an intro theme here.

Well,

Declan could put it in.

Okay, Declan, put that intro theme in there if you don't mind.

Of course.

Oh, more work for me, huh?

Thank you for choosing me as your team queen.

All right, so let's start it.

Okay.

All right.

So I don't know what any of these things

say.

I've never read this script before.

I didn't read it either.

i didn't read it on purpose okay uh okay uh

welcome to the tell them steve dave halloween special i'm q and i'm walt we've got a spooky episode lined up for you today filled with ghost stories and some of our classic shenanigans and i'm brie we're diving into the haunted history of the local movie theater, Creepy Cinema 13.

So,

legend has it the old concession stand is haunted by the ghost of a disgruntled projectionist named Larry.

Yeah, Larry was fired for playing the wrong movie during a double feature.

They say he was so mad, he vowed to haunt the stand forever, serving up overpriced popcorn.

I heard he gives you extra butter if you ask nicely.

From beyond the grave.

But first, let's share our own spoogie stories.

Oh, I've got one.

Last Halloween, I went to a party and the host had this creepy old film projector.

It started playing a silent horror movie by itself.

What was the movie?

I don't know.

The title was in some old language.

It was about a killer who went after some people who didn't appreciate popcorn.

So you're saying you're in danger?

Always.

I mean, I rarely appreciate popcorn as much as I should.

My story isn't as lighthearted.

Wait a minute, your story's done?

Yes, it is.

That's all I have.

Okay, so my story isn't as lighthearted.

One night at the cinema, I saw a figure in the back row.

No one else was there.

But I could swear someone was watching the movie.

Did you confront it?

No, I just left.

Who wants to deal with a ghost?

I'm not about that life.

So the next day, I guess I'm just going on with my story.

So the next day, I bought a Ouija board to the theater to see if we could contact Larry.

Spoiler alert, it didn't go well.

What happened?

Well, the board spelled get out and then the lights flickered.

So naturally, I got out.

Classic cue.

You know, my wife thinks we should try a seance next time.

Oh, boy, imagine summoning Larry only to find out he just wants to complain about the butter to popcorn ratio.

Or worse, that he was actually just trying to sell overpriced nachos.

Let's head to Creepy Cinema 13 this Halloween and see if we could summon them for real.

Maybe we can negotiate lower prices.

Just make sure you wear a garlic necklace.

You never know if ghosts are allergic to it.

Okay, folks, stick around as we head to the haunted concession stand and see if we can catch Larry in action.

Maybe we'll get some ghostly movie reviews while we're at it.

Thanks for joining us on this special Halloween episode of Tell'em Steve Dave.

And remember, don't forget to appreciate your popcorn, or else Larry might come for you.

Tell Steve Dave.

And a special thank you to Giddam Steve Dave.

He rescued Halloween this episode.

Without him, we would have no Halloween episode.

Get him Steve Dave.

You are the Halloween hero.

But you're not the

Sven Groupie, though.

No, no.

That's me.