#605: Robot Gerbil

Hey Walt here with this week's Patreon plug.

This Tuesday, August 27th, we will be dropping a very, very anticipated episode of one of our most popular shows on the Patreon, Tales from Behind the Fake Counter.

In this episode, we break down the infamous Gene Simmons episode of Comic Book Men.

Declan, if you'd please play a clip from the episode.

Nobody here can sit in Jar Jar's shoes.

No.

We get shit online.

Jar Jar ain't feeling bad for me.

Yeah, and it's the real John Jar.

And I've contemplated suicide.

Yeah.

Not because of the online stuff, but...

Where's your apology?

You don't

use him as a punchline.

Well, you can anytime you want.

So check that out only on the TESD Patreon.

Okay, I would also like to let those subscribers and the gift tiers know that those who are due gifts this September, the gifts will start going out a bit later in the month as I'm going away on a nine-day cruise and won't be back until the second week in September.

But don't worry, as soon as I hit port, I will be getting your gifts out to you.

I think that's it for this week's Patreon plug.

So let's get back to the show.

What are you going to do?

Nobody's upset about me.

There's nothing.

Everybody loves me.

What?

You're doing at the poolside.

What?

We don't have to talk about big boobs to have fun.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Steve Dave.

Hey, Walt.

Hey.

And BQ.

Hey, yo.

Patient zero for every strain of COVID that's come out.

I just get it.

I just get it.

Are you collecting them now, like Pokemon?

Dude, I don't fucking understand.

I don't even think...

I'm pretty sure this is humanly impossible what happens to me.

I've had, I think, every strain but one.

That's fucking crazy.

My heart is going to explode.

There's no way that the human, a 50-year-old human heart could take this.

It's good, though, because at at least now you're done with it.

Yeah.

You are.

You're done with it for a good 12 months.

You're good for at least a year, I would think.

No, I don't know about that, man.

I just keep fucking getting it, dude.

It does seem to pop up every six months or so because you had it in the winter, didn't you?

Like this past spring, winter.

I think it's anytime I emerge and start

interacting with people.

That's a problem.

You were going to MSG and partying down.

I went to the Kill Tony thing.

I went to the stream horror movie premiere, and

it's a lot of fun stuff, but it's like, you know, there's a lot of people in my face.

Yeah.

But shaking hands, everybody wants to shake hands.

Everybody wants to take pictures.

I'm pretty good about the shaking hands.

Like, I know enough to wash my hands frequently, and I carry like the hand sanitizer and stuff.

It is really, I'm telling you, and it's like when we were talking years ago at this point about like whether masks work and stuff, and I was like, I'm telling you, the amount of people who breathe in my face and I feel their spittle hit my fucking eyeballs and stuff, it's what it is.

And it happens every day of my life.

Somebody just leans in to say something.

Well, it's the curse of being, you know,

a funny guy, though, because you make people laugh.

And when they laugh, you know, they

know it's not like that.

It's not like I'm walking down the street doing like killer comedy and shit.

Like, if you were a serious actor, you probably would have only got COVID once or twice.

It is fucking horrible, dude.

At this point, like, everybody just makes fun of me when I get COVID.

Like, nobody has any serious stuff.

That's terrible though, that's terrible, yeah, because it is a pretty serious thing.

And at this point, yeah, it's like

you've got it so much, like you are kind of getting ribbed for it, and it's not right.

Well, he sounded absolutely miserable, too.

Yeah, but

I couldn't even joke around with you about it.

It was horrible, too.

Well, July, you know, I was away six weekends in a row, right?

And then we were shooting all the weeks in between.

So it's like you get to a place where you're like, oh, God, finally, just a fucking week off.

And then you get sick.

And then it's like now I'm fucking just miserable in home.

I'm alone, I'm on my couch, I can't, you know what I mean.

It's like I'm missing fun thing.

I don't know, man.

It's and you had told me right before, you're like, Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week.

I got this week off, and I thought it's gonna be awesome.

I don't know why I bother saying anything.

And now I felt better.

Uh, Sunday, I went to go see the new alien movie, and then I have three days, and I'm on tour this weekend.

So it's like the downtime I had was just spent being sick, and there's an anger to it now for me, where I'm like, motherfucker, again.

Right.

Now, when when you get it,

has this happened to you where the when you like certain body parts are targeted by the illness?

I know when my eye starts leaking.

Like, if I'm sitting down watching

and my eye just starts tearing for no reason,

I'm like, oh, I suck on a fuck because that's always the first sign for me.

And then, and then I almost shit my pants with diarrhea the second day, and then I was like, I guess I got it.

Is that a symptom of it?

I didn't know, not for me, but I had it.

Trust me, boys, boys, it's a symptom.

I have not heard that symptom.

Yeah, my stomach got all jacked up from it and stuff.

Because there's like people, and I know, I remember when I had it, like certain body parts get targeted, like my hands and my feet.

No.

It were oddly,

oddly

very, very painful.

And I was wondering, like, that, if that happened to you.

No, I get the lack of energy, and I can't breathe.

My nose gets clogged.

So I'm mouth-breathing for like three days in a row.

The lips get all dry and shit.

It's not fun.

I mean, everybody's going through it.

Well, let's just say it's good that you got the vaccine.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

God knows what might have happened.

I might have got that sick strain that I missed if I didn't get it.

What are you going to do?

Oh, Lord Almighty.

It's depressing.

And I am starting to get to the point where I'm like, what effect could this be having on me?

Right, it can't be good.

But this shit was made in the lab, right?

Like now they know they figured it out.

Like some Chinese cat made this in a lab.

I don't know if that's been confirmed.

I don't know if that's fake news or not.

I mean, there's still a chance that it came from a wet market

and a pangolin and a pangolin fucking another, like

what are those fucking

things that look like ducks, but they're

those

a platyplastic.

Yeah, platyplus and shit.

That would make me feel better rather than self-defense.

There was a nature Chinese dude had a bad day at work.

And I'd be like, oops.

Yeah, and like now I'm just three times a year.

I'm just fucking sick and

made sport by my friends.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm glad the world decided it wasn't worth investigating or how it happened.

They kind of just said, you know, we don't need to know.

What good would have come of it if it was

stated the economy, ruined how many people's lives, killed how many people, but they're like, hey, it's gone now, kind of.

So who cares?

We'll probably catch shit for even talking about this.

Q.

I think that we need to

draw on your professional contacts and get ourselves a PR person.

A PR person?

Why?

Yeah.

Because we keep taking shit on Reddit non-stop for the most lame things.

So, like, maybe if we get ahead of it and we get our.

Delete Reddit off your phone.

Oh, I don't.

No, people tell me.

Oh, well, tell them to stop telling you.

Yeah.

Who's telling you?

Brian Rupert.

No, tell Rupert to just stop telling you.

He loves to tell you.

Lock that down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to, it's just, dude, it's, it's a wonderful world, dude.

It's beautiful.

If you're not on Reddit, yes.

Just tell him not to tell you, man.

The things that he tells me, though, it's not like I go home and I think about it.

I'm like, yeah, maybe they are right.

Like, somebody was mad that I was talking about Ming hanging out with a big boobed cosplayer.

And I, I...

Why?

I don't know.

I couldn't figure it out.

He didn't know either.

I think the fact that you called her big boobed, if you had just said cosplayer, I think that would have been fine.

But the fact that you

kind of like focused in on her big boobs is kind of gross.

I guess so.

Yeah, it's disgusting big boobs.

Who wants to talk about that?

Well, I thought you were.

What are fucking pussies out there, man?

The fact that you like focused on it so heavily, though, like it was the only thing, like the first thing that it was the only thing they're taking pictures for.

I'm sorry.

It's not my fault.

It could be the quality of her costume.

Some of them were.

Yeah, I bet you some of them were.

She had some good costumes.

I'm just saying specifically the Ewok costume.

I don't believe anybody really cares, dude.

I think people are just saying it for you to mention it all.

To mention other shits.

Just stop.

There's no way you can really care, right?

like as a as a guy you can't be like what a misogynist he mentioned that a girl had big boobs i would have a hard time believing the sincerity of anybody that was like that's worth firing up your computer but hey man what do i know i think though like i

it's to

veer on the safe side though unless they're like dolly parton sized don't mention big boobs just like some flap rod

just don't mention her chest size at all unless they're like gargantuanly

viral mistresses.

Yeah, like you can't, like, you're like, it's impossible to not be like, wow, those are.

Then it's okay.

Those are unusually large.

They're freakishly large.

Yeah.

Like, what was that?

Like the Kissing Bandit.

Remember

Morgana?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then you can say, Morgana with a big boob kissing bandit.

But if it's just like,

you know, average.

A faceless cosplayer that nobody even knows who I'm talking about.

you're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

I fucked up.

Well, if he's listening, Rup, like,

you're forbidden from passing on any info.

Yeah, keep it to yourself.

Just Lydic.

Just

as far as I'm concerned, if I don't read it and I don't hear it, it doesn't exist.

What are you going to do?

Nobody's upset about me.

There's nothing.

Everybody loves me.

I don't think people are really upset about you anyway.

I think we just created a thing where we talk about Reddit.

So they put shit in there?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

All right, Reddit.

Break up with it, Rob.

Yeah.

Come on, Rob.

You don't need to be wasting your time on that.

You got a kid.

Pay attention to your child.

Yeah, raise that kid, man.

I spent a long weekend in Rochester, New York.

Rochester?

The fuck are you doing in Rochester?

It was an event called DabbleCon, and it was

a podcast festival.

Dabble.

Dabble.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because it's, if you're not familiar with it, if you're not familiar with this,

it's imagine trying trying to dive into the Telm Steve universe today and understand everything.

Like with just this one episode, you know, it's like impossible.

It's years of

lore and years of history and that kind of stuff.

So it was a convention devoted to one podcast?

No, there were, it wasn't really a convention.

It was just like a show.

There were, like, the first night they had what they called the

Roast of the Dabbleverse.

So they roasted a bunch of different people that are involved in it.

And then the next day they had three different podcasts.

They had Potato Soup and Tuki.

They had Who Are These Podcasts?

And they had The Uncle Rico Show.

And Potato Soup is the one I told you about a long time ago, the guy who only does

his podcast with a potato filter.

Okay.

And so this is, I want to show you this picture of him.

Go on.

It's pretty funny.

I mean,

he doesn't want to show his face, so this is how he walks around.

Is that a mask?

It's a helmet that somebody built for him.

That somebody made for him.

What type of content does he talk about women's boobs a lot?

Like, why does he want to?

No, no, no.

All he talks about is Stuttering John.

The entire universe

is centered around Stuttering John and what a fuck-up he is.

How are fucking...

How?

And I'm directing this to you.

How does anybody care?

Like,

why is there a show around it?

Universe.

Yeah.

Dude, an entire universe.

Yeah.

Because

he's so awful and just such a like.

He's a human being that you can sit there and you can be like, how does a person like this exist in real life?

Right.

Like the way he behaves, the way he acts, his hypocrisy.

How are they to know how he's behaving, though?

Like, how are they keeping it?

Because he has a podcast.

Oh, okay.

So they just go.

So they break down his podcast.

Yeah, this is just Reddit for Stutter and John.

Oh, my God.

You got to get out, bro.

What are are you doing?

No, it's awesome.

No, no, no.

We made some new buddies this weekend.

Cardiff Electric, one of them.

I never met him before.

Potato Filter.

Okay.

All right.

So, wait a minute.

So, what do you call it?

The Dabble Universe.

The Dabbleverse.

The Dabbleverse.

So, what is the

origin?

Is there a podcast called Dabble?

No, what happened was there was a girl named Chrissy Merrin, she was talking to Stuttering John once in an interview, and she said, you know, I heard that you dabbled in comedy.

And he got very offended, saying that he was a headliner, he was a professional stand-up comic.

None of this is true.

But he's like, he has this idea of himself that is so inaccurate that you can't help but laugh and watch along.

I can help.

Yeah, I think that you got, yeah.

I think you're going to be bad.

But it all started with who are these podcasts.

Like, I listened to one episode years and years ago where he broke down Stuttering John's podcast.

And usually, you know,

Carl, the guy whose podcast is, he just moves moves on to the next podcast and then we'll break the next one down but stuttering john took such offense that he was going to sue him he was going to bring litigation he was going to do all this stuttering john never stops threatening to sue people he really never does it i i'm struggling to care about stuttering john in the year of our lord 2024.

i i really it's amazing that this many people are telling these people make a living off this oh yeah a good living yeah

these people make money they should invite him into the fray i think they have, but he won't come.

I mean, I wouldn't either.

Well, I mean,

if they're making money, I want to make some money too if I'm him.

Well, all

that's the funny thing is that, like, everybody makes money except for him.

But all this is driving listeners to him, though, which bumps his numbers, which bumps.

Not really, because it's much more fun to watch these guys break down his show than watch his actual show.

Because he's so boring and so stupid.

Does he have guests?

Sometimes he has guests.

That's usually on his political show because he likes to fancy himself like this liberal lefty.

So then all these people go back and they pull all the stuff that he used to stay on the Stern show and even stuff from like rather recently.

Like I'm talking 2018.

He's using words that like

by today's standards,

he would go after that.

Yeah, he would do that.

15 years of changing tastes.

I totally agree with you guys, but he's not like

everybody should be held accountable for what they used to say.

so that that's the hypocrite that's where the hypocrisy comes oh he takes that stance he takes that stance where he's like this super woke guy but then you know just recently so what do you do there do you just go like get autographs and shit no i didn't get any autographs like most of the people i know

oh okay so what do you do there then like you go to this is it a convention no it's just like it was held at a comedy club oh okay you didn't you call it a convention No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Maybe I filled in that word.

The dabble con.

I thought you said.

No, dabbleverse, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Although, hey, man, dabblecon may have been down the road.

I don't know if it gets big enough.

Because this was the second one.

This was the second dabble con.

It was more familiar.

I mean, more,

it seemed more popular than the first one.

More people came.

I met a guy who was a potato farmer, which you think is not a big deal.

I talked to this guy for like a half hour about potatoes.

And he has like these, because he's one of these super chatters.

A super chat is like, let's say I have a podcast and it's on YouTube.

People can send me money via super chat.

So this guy, he must have fucking bucks because he's constantly super chatting like large amounts of money to people.

And it turns out he's a potato farmer and he has like these two big fast food accounts that I won't name so he can remain anonymous.

But like two fast food places where he provides all the potatoes for them.

Wow.

That's got to be some gig.

Is he in Idaho?

No, he's in Maine.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, he lives in Maine.

So what, it's like you were interested in the world world of potato farming or the world of super chats?

No, I was interested in the world of potato farming at that time.

Yeah.

So what did you learn?

I learned that it's very difficult to get people to help you to farm your potatoes.

Because it's hard work.

It's hard work, so people don't want to do it.

And if you

he told me that if you import people, like you get people from South America, the federal law is that you have to pay them as much as you pay your highest paid guy.

So like let's say a truck driver's making $30 an hour.

hour.

You have to turn around and pay guys who pick potatoes $30 an hour.

So it makes it financially difficult.

Wait,

you have to pay the amount, the highest amount that anyone in the chain of production is.

Anyone in the chain, yeah.

So it's not like the president or anything, but like, you know, a regular employee.

Right.

That's if you want to, if you want to, you know, keep it on import your workers.

Well, no, keep it

all legal on the up and up.

But I've like he could play him under the table, couldn't he?

He may be able to, but I don't know.

I think that people,

you know, people from other countries have gotten wise to that.

It's not like the 90s and the 2000s where you could just go down to the Home Depot and pick them up for fucking six bucks an hour.

Now they're like, fuck you.

I want 30 bucks an hour.

I want lunch.

I want a ride.

Like

they finally

discovered their worth.

Yeah, I'm with them.

They're not being treated like indentured servants anymore.

That sounds like somebody

pretty interesting, a potato farmer.

I would listen to that.

Yeah.

Over, say, Stutter and John.

I saw Kill Tony.

Kill Tony.

Have you heard about this?

No.

This is something I'm amazed by.

It is.

I think that

I didn't understand.

It's a podcast that's been going about 15 years now.

And

this is what I learned because I wasn't too familiar with it.

I've heard about it because I know it's big, and it's like the biggest thing in the comedy world right now.

But

it's essentially the gong show with stand-ups.

And it has a panel of, like, when I saw him at the garden, it was

Joe Rogan.

It was Shane Gillis.

It was

Tony, the guy of the Kill Tony.

And what they do is they pick names out of a hat, Hinchcliffe, Tony Hinchcliffe.

And people from the audience come up and get to do two minutes of stand-up.

And then the crowd and the comedian panel are essentially the gong thing where they tell them if they suck or not.

And that's the show.

And then they'll have like people come out, like Andrew Dice Clay came out and did a little bit.

Big Jay Ogerson came out and did a little bit.

And they sold it first podcast ever to sell on Madison Square Garden two nights in a row.

And dude, I walked into it blind.

My agent represents some people on the show.

And so I just, people are like, I'm in town.

You know, he lives in LA.

Come hang out for the night.

Went, fuck, dude.

Like,

there are people having fun in the world.

Oh, my God.

Those people in Madison Square Garden, they don't give a fuck about political correct.

They don't get, like, when people are saying like things are, like you said, like, too woke, what I saw in Madison Square Art and was like, I don't believe that's true true anymore.

It might be true in like,

you know, scripted television where like everybody's overthinking everything.

But dude, that crowd in Madison Square Garden, they were having more fun than anybody I've seen having fun, except from practical joker shows.

And the comedians got up and they all just fucking went for it.

Dice came out to 20 minutes of shit.

And I was like, holy fuck.

And it was old school dice.

Old school dice.

Which you're like, it's just so shocking to see these days.

And the crowd was going berserk.

And the crowd was men, women, all colors, all stripes of people.

And everybody was just loving it.

And I was like, fuck, these people are having fun.

It was like really kind of cool to see.

And nobody gave a shit what anybody said.

No jokes were like taboo.

That's encouraging to hear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was fun.

It was really fun.

I mean, I don't have that.

I can't even say a girl is big boobs.

Well, we still have fun.

You know, we don't have to talk about big boobs.

We have fun.

I've lived my whole life having fun, not talking about big boobs.

Yeah, I know we're going to be talking about counterpoints, but not PowerGirl.

No, but PowerGirl's off limits.

We don't talk about it.

I can't talk about PowerGirl.

As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist.

Is the problem that you like big boobs?

I don't want to get sucked into this.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted to have fun.

I do, but like, I don't understand what is the problem.

Like, I kind of want to know what the problem is, but I don't want to.

I don't want to get into it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wish I knew.

Yeah.

I wish I knew what the person's problem was.

I think he's too, I think think they're saying he's too old to be commenting on a young cosplayer's

attributes.

She's probably in her 40s at this point.

This is years ago.

This is a long time ago.

But you listen to that.

Look, and I love it.

I mean, not that he doesn't still do it.

I still listen to Stern all the time.

I know you don't as much anymore.

But he'll look at

whatever starlet of the day and be like, oh, my God, she looks so good.

She's got great tits.

I want to fuck her.

He'll say all that stuff to this day.

And he's the biggest broadcaster in the history of entertainment, right?

Like, like, certainly entertainment, maybe not over like the news guys, but people just get mad at you for noticing things.

You don't notice stuff.

Or don't say out loud what everybody notices.

Don't say outside what you notice.

You can't really live like that.

Anyway, those are the conversations that are happening on Reddit at Madison Square Garden.

Nobody's having them.

They had ring girls.

In between every comic, they had ring girls in chain bikinis like fucking Red Sonia.

And the crowd went nuts every time they came out to hold up the sign.

And you're like, oh, there are still people

kind of just having cheeky fun.

Probably most people.

Probably most people.

Most people.

But they're cowed by

this regimen of people that want to bring you down if you say something.

And so are we.

Yeah.

When I was at DoubleCon, somebody came up to me with a concern about Q.

Me?

Yes.

Really?

That I'm sick all the fucking time?

No, that you're wearing too much eyeliner.

Eyeliner.

That's That's what I'm hearing.

I'm not wearing any eyeliner.

He said you're wearing so much eyeliner on the recent episodes of IJ that it's distracting.

I mean, somebody get me a fucking

screen grab of that.

Yeah.

I've never worn eyeliner.

I have never noticed.

Yeah.

What would I do?

Sit here and deny it if I did?

Maybe.

Maybe if you want to bring out that, you make your eyes pop or something.

Yeah.

Did you look?

Does it look like I'm wearing eyeliner?

He didn't show me any pictures.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, he didn't show show me any pictures.

I was just like, I said, I've never noticed that.

And he goes, no, no, you've got to eat it.

That may be why your eyes are always leaking.

All that mascara you're wearing.

Mascara's like flying it up.

It's not COVID.

It's too much mascara.

It's not hypoallergenic.

Why do I wear eyeliner?

I don't know.

Unless it was for like a bit.

Like I could see if you were wearing it for a bit.

Well, sure, but that would be clear.

That would be very obvious.

Yeah, but I was like, wait, wait.

He's like, any episode, just check it out.

Would you be, would you hide that or would you not want people?

Yeah, I was going to say, they've made foundation on it.

They're going to be better, yeah.

Who cares what it happens, how it works, as long as it works.

They put foundation.

Lily Beth puts foundation on us, like just to cover the bags and all the shit that we're developing as we age and a little bit of powder.

But

that's been since day one of the show.

That's just for the shine of the lights and stuff like that.

I don't think I've ever worn eyeliner on the show.

Could it be maybe that they put it on?

You didn't even notice, though?

I think I would notice.

Get home.

What is that?

Eyeliner.

No, I can shoot that one down.

Shoot that one down.

Did this person come up with it?

We got to go on Snopes.

Do you know who they are?

No, no, no.

It was just a...

Now, did they come up saying it like, this is true?

This guy's wearing eyeliner.

He came up to me and he's like, you got to talk to Q about wearing so much eyeliner on the show.

So in this guy's mind, he made the decision that I was wearing eyeliner.

Yeah, and to come to me so I i could intervene over multiple episodes which means like he turned on episode and was like

he's fucking wearing eyeliner again he's got it on again i mean i don't know what to say about this guy and then if i did start wearing an eyeliner like

again wouldn't that be up to me and like wouldn't i have a reason to do it and

probably like what if i like what if it was a medical reason and i was like oh fuck i'm losing my eyelashes i don't know why people wear eyeliners you know that's that happened to me yeah yeah my eyelashes started falling out and like when i hit 45 really Yeah, I'd see them on the fucking pillowcase.

You got eyelashes.

I know, but I used to have a lot more luscious eyelashes than I do right now.

You got to talk to your daughter, got some of those fake ones.

And my eyebrows, too.

My eyebrows went from really long to almost half long.

They look good.

They don't look that good.

They used to look a lot better.

In my 20s, I had fucking crazy fucking

eyebrows.

They were perfect eyebrows.

My wife used to stroke my eyebrows.

That's probably what happened.

She stroked them so much to start falling out.

I think she stopped stroking them.

That's why.

Lack of attention.

I'm serious there.

They really did.

Like, they used to go all the way down.

And then one day she noticed, she was like, wow, your eyebrows are half the size they used to be.

You know,

that's all she noticed was half the size it used to be.

I'm okay with that.

Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Close, it's just your eyebrows.

No eyeliner, though.

No eyeliner.

Okay.

No eyeliner.

Would say.

What's that?

I would say.

I think you would.

Yeah.

Why wouldn't I?

Do you love a great deal, Walt?

Depends on the deal.

You're not going to crawl through a deal.

I don't like deals with the devil.

No?

No.

I don't care how good the deal is.

You're never going to win.

What about a deal with Deadpool?

We have a fucking Deadpool ad.

We have a Deadpool ad.

Well, kind of, a little bit.

What?

We have some sort of connection with Marvel and Disney?

Awesome.

More Ryan Reynolds.

He, as you know, he started Mint Mobile, telecommunications company, and that's what this ad is for.

All right, right on.

No hoops, no BS.

When Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan,

we called him on it.

Turns out it's really easy to get wireless for $15 a month.

The longest part of the process was the time you spent on hold waiting to break up with

your old phone provider.

That's what's going to happen to you.

It's easy to switch switch to Mint Mobile, and I think we're going to get a phone.

So I thought

we're all getting phones, too.

We're not all getting phones.

No, we're not all getting phones.

I think we're getting one phone, but I think that it should go to the guy without a phone.

Why are we only getting one phone?

Because why would we have a phone?

He has fucking 17 phones.

He's holding a phone right now.

I'm talking about a phone that actually works.

I don't know.

He doesn't need a phone that works.

No.

No.

He's so distracted and useless as it is right now.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't need him fucking having internet on his phone too.

Well, he has internet, but he might start chatting with people, you know, making calls.

And

with Mint Mobile, it's easy to get started.

Go to mintmobile.com slash D-E-S-D.

And there you'll see that right now, all three-month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.

See, well, you can just use your phone, go to Mint Mobile.

Find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three-month of premium wireless service for $15 a month.

Now, to get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just

$15 a month, go to mintmobile.com/slash TESD.

That's mintmobile.com/slash TESD.

Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com/slash TESD.

Now, here's the disclaimer: $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customers on the three-month plan only.

Speed slower above 40 gigs on unlimited plan.

Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.

See Mint Mobile for details.

All right.

Nice.

It's bespoke.

What's bespoke now?

Oh, this is two new ads.

Two new sponsors?

This is a new one.

Bespoke Post.

Maybe you should keep up that boob talk.

It's getting us new sponsors.

It's getting us

a lot of heat over here.

Look, people like boobs.

We can talk about them, fuckheads.

All right?

I didn't realize that was off limits.

I know.

Can't talk about that.

We're on Reddit.

We make the rules, fucking idiots.

This is Rup cannot.

He is...

He's on thin ice with me.

He is.

Well, first it was that burger situation.

The burger situation, yeah.

Yeah, where he fratted me out and said that I was eating burgers that don't belong to me.

Now, this, he's something ice, man.

Actually, he'll be here later on.

I don't know if you'll see him, but we're going to a rock and roll show tonight.

Oh, yeah, Alice Cooper tonight, right?

No, Whiskey Myers.

Who's Whiskey Myers?

Whiskey Myers.

Rock band that's playing at the pony tonight.

Aren't they fans of ours?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I met them yesterday.

Super, super sweet guys.

Who's going?

Bry, me, Rupp, and Gidum.

Oh, nice.

We thought you had COVID, so we were.

Just assumed it.

We assumed it

was strange dropped.

I'm like a Petri dish, man.

No, I'm leaving on tour tomorrow.

I'm away the next morning.

We can't wait.

I'm really looking forward to this.

They're playing the outdoor stage.

At where?

The Stone Pony.

Stone Pony.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We got free merch.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, we're living large over here.

I'm going to fucking get rowdy tonight, man.

It's my first rock and roll show in a while.

The last one I went to, I was fucking dehydrated.

Oh, right.

I look like a dried-out sponged.

I'm all fucking lubed up tonight.

Yeah, look at him.

He's getting hydrated.

His water's going.

I'm fucking getting the mosh pit.

Nice.

You guys getting like a VIP section?

Yes.

Yeah, we got backstage passes.

I wish I can go.

What time are you going?

We're going to fucking.

The show starts at seven, right?

I think we started at seven, but I think we're going to get there at four just to like fucking tailbe.

Three hours with four people.

Three out of the four people don't drink.

The whole time, yes, check him, like, I hope there's groupies there.

I hope there's groupies there.

Groupies,

because whiskey will

speak up for him and be like, hey, there's my boy.

And this fucking fever dream of his, like, they're going to be like, hey, groupie, fucking, you know, do my fucking friend over here.

You want to get backstage?

Oh, man, I really wish I was going.

What a bummer.

Sounds like fun.

It won't be anything like that, Q.

It'll just be us standing in the corner.

No, I know.

That part I know.

Bespoke Post, guys.

Your summer just got a hell of a lot more awesome thanks to Bespoke Posts and their all-new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collections.

As if there wasn't enough cool gear in each box with a box of awesome premium, they're doubling doubling the fresh finds.

Now I was supposed to talk about what came in my box.

I don't know if did you guys get boxes from these guys?

What is this?

It should have been bespoke post, it's called.

It's a box of like random stuff for guys.

Guy stuff.

A selfie stick showed up at my house.

Selfie stick.

You got that?

I didn't get anything.

No.

No, I didn't get anything.

I got a box with like, I'm going to give it to Giddem because this is like a real Giddem box.

It's an emergency tent, an emergency blanket, an emergency light.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

And then one other thing.

I can't remember what the fourth thing was.

but uh what happens in an emergency if you've given all your shit away to get them i don't know i have a house

i'll just go in there i'll just go inside

lock the front door

i got i did get something in the mail that i didn't wasn't expecting it was it it it's a white um

uh like razor for you know down under

oh yeah that's that's i think that's our next spot oh manscape yeah manscape that's our that's our next spot it's very um it's beautiful isn't it yeah it's very white though it definitely looked like a girl's razor.

You think so?

Yeah, I didn't want to use it online because it looked too.

Yeah, like if your wife saw it, she's like, oh, God.

First eyebrows, I guess.

Yeah,

I didn't get any box, though, with man shit in it, though.

Okay, well, I'll talk to Mary Beth.

We'll make sure you get your man shit box.

from Bespoke Post.

Whether you want to eat and drink more awesome, dress and travel more awesome, or explore more awesome, Box of Awesome has you covered.

To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com.

Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you.

It's free to join, and they release new items every month across a ton of different categories.

Choose from a standard or premium box, and when you become a member, you'll have access to stellar discounts across a plethora of products.

We're talking 30% off or more sometimes.

Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting a small business, 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small, up-and-coming brand.

All right.

They're supporting small business.

All right.

It's free to sign up, and you can skip a month or cancel any time.

So to get a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment, when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code TESD at checkout, that's boxofawesome.com code TESD for a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment.

Boxofawesome.com code TESD.

Now.

I could run right into the razor one and then we would be done with ads.

Should we just, should we plow through?

No.

No?

You want to save it?

Okay.

Save it.

We'll save it.

That's what we'll keep people hanging on

for that final 17th ad.

Yeah.

Hey.

I've got to pay the bills.

Did you guys see Alien?

Anyway?

I am not that big of an Alien fan.

No.

No.

I'm not that like that.

I've seen the first two and I feel like I've seen enough.

Like I've seen them all then, I feel like.

But I know that's this new one's gotten, it's gotten rave reviews, though.

A return to form, I've heard.

Depends on who you ask.

I think if you've seen the first two, you've seen this one.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's very.

I think they went back to their basics, basics, back to basics.

Yeah, it's supposedly like on the timeline, does it take place between Alien and Aliens?

It takes like 15 years after Alien.

15 years after Alien.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

But you don't really, it doesn't connect to...

I mean.

No.

It's doing great business, I heard, though.

Sure, yeah.

Well, it's fun.

I mean, it's like, I re-watched Prometheus and Covenant, and I liked them so much more this time.

I think when I first saw him, I was like, I didn't like either of them when I saw him.

I watched him back to back, and I was like, I get what he was doing, and I like him.

Yeah.

It connects very loosely to that.

You don't have to know anything.

Yeah, I went to see it.

And the one thing that, like, look, I'm all for diversity, but you got to hire people who I can understand.

Those British guys, I could not understand a fucking word they were saying.

In the new one?

In the new one, yeah.

Like

the crew.

Oh, I guess I just

didn't hear for that.

No, that may be an age thing.

I've read that as we grow older, it's harder to discern and to decipher accents.

Accents?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we watch everything.

I must be getting real old then.

Because I'm like, I'm looking at Mary Beth.

I'm like,

and she couldn't understand it either.

I don't even think I noticed they were speaking in English accents.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

It was real British.

I was like, I can't understand.

And then I'm like, I can't wait until they get killed.

I know they're going to get killed.

So I can't wait until they get killed.

My problem with it was like it felt like I was watching a slasher movie in the 90s.

Like I know what you did last summer or something.

The entire cast.

I thought you loved that shit, though.

The entire cast was, like, they looked like teenagers.

Like, they were all, if there was anybody in that cast above the age of like 25, I would be shocked.

Or look 25.

It felt like I was watching a CW show a little bit.

I was like, God, they were all too young and too pretty to be working on a prison planet for their entire lives.

Yeah, like the one girl was indentured for like 12 years.

She just evolved right in front of our eyes.

They were too pretty.

I mean, it was just, I mean, they could have thrown a hot older girl with some juicy cans in there.

You know what I mean?

Like an older, it would have been good.

No, I just, it was noticeable that everybody was like,

was it felt like a 90s movie to me.

I got to get that young crowd.

That's a what?

Like a 40-something year old franchise at this point?

Sure.

Oh, look, dude, I'm not, but no part of me is like, they fucked up.

I'm like, look, make the movie you want to make.

You want to to make an alien movie for young, like, do it.

Not everything has to be made for me, but, you know.

That's a refreshing take, though.

Yeah.

I wish more people had that.

Don't this movie doesn't have to be made for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could use more of that.

Yeah.

Why?

Then you're just not looking forward to movies.

That's all you got.

There's still movies they're making for me.

Was it gory?

I wouldn't say overly.

There was, there's, of course, you know, you get the, there was some fan service with like the tail through the chest.

That was it.

The alien real close to the girl.

They played the hits the entire time.

Was there a chestburster?

There was a chestburster.

There was a really cool concept.

It's in the trailer, so I'm not ruining it, where she had a light that could see through her body and she was holding it up and she could see.

Yeah, I saw that trailer, yeah.

But like that trailer is the entire time that light's in the movie, right?

Right, yeah.

I'm like, why?

That's such a great idea.

Why wouldn't they...

There's an idea I haven't seen before.

Like, why don't you guys...

They do it once where she's like, oh, this is cool.

I can see the bones in my arm.

And then they do it with the chestburster, and then that's it.

And that's it.

Where I was like, wow, I thought that was going to be like a new tool in the alien lore.

Who's got the fucking alien in him?

And like, but no.

What did you think of, and I won't give too much away, the humanoid?

I thought we had seen it already.

I was like, this is a resurrection to me.

Right.

It.

It felt so much like resurrection that I was like, wow, they have to be doing it on purpose.

And also, that's the movie that nobody likes.

You know, by the end, I don't know.

I know what they were trying to do.

I'm trying to talk in circles.

Well, we don't want to give too much away.

Yeah, I was.

But again, I didn't hate it, but I was just like, oh, okay, I see what they did type of thing.

I wasn't blown away.

I wasn't blown away.

Yeah, I liked it.

It went fast.

I thought it was like a fast movie.

It was two hours, but it felt quick.

Yeah.

Once they got on the shoe anyway.

And there's cool shit in it.

Well, it looks amazing, too.

Like, the look of it's astounding.

It went practical, I think, for a lot of the puppets.

I I don't know.

I thought it looked pretty cool.

Yeah, as far as the chessburster, I was like, I would put the chessburster of 79 up against this one.

Still, even with that air hose fucking tail going off.

I agree.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

It's making a ton of money.

And it's not bad.

It's not like I was like, they smoked a chunk, so I don't want to see this.

And where you consider yourself a xenomorph fan?

I wouldn't say that I'm one like.

Yeah, I would, but not like a crazy one.

Like, not

It's not one of your top 10 franchises?

I don't know that I would put it in there.

I mean, I'll watch every one, and every few years I watch the alien movie, so I guess, you know, it's in there.

They trot them out on a pretty regular basis, don't they?

It's got to be considered one of the more successful franchises.

For sure, we're eight, nine movies at this point.

If you add all the Alien Worst Predator things in, but yeah, it's cool.

Good stuff.

And then I saw a stream.

Stream.

Now, this is something I haven't heard of.

This is a.

This is a horror movie.

You know, the Terrifier guys on Staten Island?

Right.

They, their production company, Fuzz and Lens, made a horror movie called Stream, and that was a ton of fun.

That's like

that's where I'm coming in.

Like, it's like 80s slasher.

It's like a new take on slasher horror.

And I just, I'm such a sucker for that shit.

You know what I mean?

Like, all I need is the fake blood spurting everywhere and shit like that.

And I get real happy.

And Stream delivers

in fucking spades.

It's got Jeffrey Combs in it and Tony Todd's in it.

Like, it's got like Danielle Harris is in it.

They lined up all these horror icons.

These icons are in there.

Yeah, it's kind of really good.

And there's Stun Island Boys.

And the guy who did the special effects for Terrifier, Damian Leone, does the practical effects for this too.

So

the blood's good.

The corkscrews and the eyeballs and stuff like that.

So rated R, then.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Rated R.

Rated R.

And I hate to say one of the killers is female.

She's got giant, giant poops.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

I know that's going to turn some people here off.

But she does walk around with giant boobs.

So sorry about that, everybody.

Do you get to see them?

No, not really.

No.

Yeah, it's not like that type of.

You do see boobs in the movie, which there's a hot tub kill.

Really?

Which is fun.

You haven't seen one of those in a while.

No.

But yeah, so stream.

I think that comes out soon.

So if you like all of that.

Oh, you got a private showing?

No, no, I went to go see it.

They were doing like a previews of it in Manhattan.

So I went.

That That might have been where I caught COVID, actually.

Oh, really?

It was either out of Kill Tony.

Yeah, I got it from Andrew's Ice Clay.

He gave it to me or something like that.

I have something.

It's a little long, but it's an aunt that is looking for our help.

Or has a quandary, and perhaps

we'll be able to

guide them in the right direction.

All right.

What is it?

They wrote an email?

Yeah, this is in an email.

Male or female?

This is a male

who separated from his wife about six months ago, and now he's just waiting to get a divorce.

He also has two little ones who mostly live with him, so he's not ready to bring a partner in.

Okay.

So he signed up to OnlyFans for a little bit of fun and connection.

And he's now met a girl who he's fallen in love with.

On OnlyFans?

On OnlyFans.

She's one of the OnlyFans model?

Yes.

Do we even need to rehear the rest of this?

I think so.

Okay.

I just don't know if it's real on her end.

She knows about my personal life and asked me about my little ones and states she loves me and that I'm one of the closest people in her life.

We share non-sexual videos and pictures of our lives and grow closer every day.

I just have a nagging feeling she is not telling me something.

Now, when that happens,

listen to that nagging feeling.

Yeah.

It's there for a reason.

It's called gut instinct.

Yeah.

And why?

You're telling her everything?

He's telling her everything.

Everything.

And she's telling him everything, supposedly.

I mean, but you don't know.

Well, my question is this.

Is she still charging his credit card $4.99 a month?

Yes.

Well, then there's your answer.

Not only that.

That's it.

That's the answer.

They've yet to have a live video call because she states that she is shy.

She's also from the Ukraine, so English is hard for her.

He's told her his concerns, and she states, we will talk live soon and puts my fears to rest.

But she's also asked for money, which is a flag.

So at least he knows that.

He realizes that, you know.

I mean, this to me sounds like it could be real.

Sounds like true love.

Well, hold on a second.

Let me read a little bit more.

They think

they might have a future.

You can't rule it out 100%.

You know, she's shy.

She's on OnlyFans, but that doesn't mean she's not shy.

Well, they moved to Snapchat.

So they're not talking on OnlyFans anymore.

There, she requested $1,400 to help with her schooling as she wants to get out of OnlyFans.

Yeah, that means she needs an education.

Come on, you can't help out a poor

poor Ukrainian girl?

Well, you can, I guess.

Come on, we're funneling so much money over there as it is, you know, to help them fucking beat the Ruskies.

Help her fucking get an education so she can get out of that hellhole.

Well, eventually he did.

In the end, he gave her the money.

Good for him.

He kind of thought it was worth the risk.

She is exactly my type sexually and personally.

And if she's real, she is truly my dream girl.

I can't stop thinking about her every day, but I won't be giving her any more money until we speak live.

Am I being stupid or is it worth the risk for the chance of a lifetime?

I think you're being stupid by not sending her any more money.

Like send her everything?

Yeah.

Sign over your fucking

your mortgage, your house, and put it in her name and write a new will.

I'm going to go in the opposite direction here

and tell him to just cut it.

Just don't even say goodbye.

Just cut it off.

Cut it off.

Dude, like, it's, it's.

A lot of red flags, you think?

It's a lot of red flags.

You know, the fact that they haven't spoken, he's never heard her voice.

The fact that she's still charging him.

Like, if I give you $1,400,

she'll probably give me the discount code

for the $499 a month thing.

Well, I think also,

because OnlyFans will charge you a certain percentage if you

send them money that way.

You know, it's like, I think OnlyFans will take like 8% or 10% because, you know, they

if I'm in love with a girl and she has an OnlyFans page,

I don't want to be paying for that OnlyFans.

I feel like I should be getting it for free if she loves me.

If she feels the same way about me,

I would think that maybe I should get that.

Well, he doesn't really say if he's still paying for the OnlyFans page.

I'm sure he probably is.

Yeah.

But I think the big thing is, like, hey, let's move over to another platform where you can send me money that I won't be.

That's called taking it to the next level.

Oh.

Duh.

See, I'm not good with this kind of stuff.

I hope he.

You're more worldly than me, Walt.

You guys don't have any romance in your hearts.

I know.

I hope he didn't send there any like pictures of his dick or anything like that.

Well, even if he did, though.

Well, the flip's going to come where it's just like, I'm going to send this to your kids' teachers.

Oh, right.

If you don't pay me another fucking 10K.

I don't know if how much that would matter to the teacher, though.

Well,

maybe his boss, but not.

Well, whatever.

But whoever, it's just like you just, you know.

I don't know.

My wife's a teacher.

I don't know what she would do if she got those photos

if somebody was blackmailing me.

Right, but if he's giving her all information about his divorce and stuff like that, and they're making him look like a bad parent because he's showing, you know what I mean?

You just don't know the situation.

Yeah.

And there are people out there that want to destroy you.

Why do you assume the worst in this chick, though?

Well, because you've seen it time and time again, you know.

Even my own sisters.

We're already going right from fucking zero to 60, but blackmail already.

Yeah.

That's fucking crazy you would go that way.

Well, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not going to blackmail.

If he had called us earlier, I would have been like, well, she's asking for money.

That would have been the first.

That would have been 20 miles per hour.

I think we're at 60 miles per hour.

My advice to this guy is just don't even answer another text or email.

Immediately shut it down.

Should he find another girl on OnlyFans and

call her off?

I don't understand the OnlyFans model right now, anyway, because you just go to Pornhub and

save the money.

Type in anything you want.

There's no personal connection.

Yeah, that's exactly.

But he got fucking emails about professing love and dreams.

Yeah.

Here's another concern of his.

Well, he says, is there any way to tell if she is real?

I personally do not know of a well.

Oh, she might be AI.

She may not even exist.

No, well, he said he's concerned that she may just be a chatter, you know, like somebody that's chatting for the girl, or worse, being told to do these videos by the Ukrainian or the Russian mob.

If I'm being tricked, at least I hope it's her tricking me, not somebody.

This is fucking heavy for like

dating someone you don't know.

Like, maybe start a love life that doesn't possibly involve the Russian mafia or chatters or money exchange.

Like, maybe just go down to the old TGIF and like fucking see who you meet at the bar.

Go to Whiskey Meyer's show, see if you can pick up some groupies.

Yeah, this isn't the going Christian Mingle.

I mean, you know,

I just wouldn't continue this.

He says he has video proof that she is real as she states his name in the videos that she sends me.

So she's a real person.

Yeah.

And she'll say his name, but she doesn't want to go live

because she's too shy.

But she's in love with him.

But she's in love with him.

Also, her OnlyFans profile states she's online a lot, even when she tells me she's asleep.

Is that a normal setting?

I don't know that.

I don't know that about OnlyFans.

The fact that you have this many questions.

She might have fell asleep with her computer on, though.

She didn't fucking log off.

Right.

You know, maybe she's just, you know, catching some 40 winks and she just forgot to close a laptop.

Well, I know.

I read somewhere that a lot of times there was this there's this one girl who does OnlyFans and she's online all the time.

And she it turned out that she had other people answering.

I don't know if they were girls or guys, but other people answering her messages for her, pretending that they were her.

Sure.

So that could be the case with this, where it's just like she has like, you know, a dude or a couple girls.

There's too much smoke.

There's a little bit of smoke.

You just got to stop.

You can't deny that.

There's some smoke.

You just got to stop.

Where is this going to go?

What is the best possible scenario for this, for this guy?

That she moves here from Ukraine

and with him and his kids?

Where are we going here?

Well, this is one sentence I left out when

she requested the $1,400 to help out with her schooling and she wants out of OnlyFans.

This caused some grief in our relationship, which we had to work through.

In the end, I gave her the money, which means that she fucking harassed the guy until

he eventually was like, fine, I'll just, okay.

Well, is she off OnlyFans now?

If he gave her the money to get off OnlyFans, so she's off now?

I don't think so.

It doesn't appear this way.

way.

Dude,

buddy, I know you're...

I mean, she may have needed books, supplies.

Yeah, no, I know.

Or classes.

Sure.

This optimistic Walt.

I don't know.

I don't know about him.

That's called irony, Roger, trying to show this guy, you know,

through ironic means that, like, yeah, he's probably getting had.

Yeah, you are

most likely being had, my friend.

It's happened, the story is old as time.

It's happened time and time again.

And this is just, this is a new way to do it through these electronic means.

You know what?

You want to talk to somebody who's real?

You want to fund somebody online?

Join the Adamant tier on the Patreon $100 tier, and I will respond to all your messages

personally.

He'll even go live.

He'll go live with you.

I'll never lie to you.

I'll never ask for any more than that, what you're already given.

I don't need to go back to school.

You know,

you'll get fucking sweet ass gifts in the mail.

It'll be the best money you ever spent.

Right.

That's something.

And it's $100 a month.

So for a year, it's only $1,200.

Yeah, it's not even.

You'll have

some sweet, tasty swag, some great shows, no drama.

You're going to get something out of it aside from stress, apparently.

Yeah, there'll be no drama in there.

You're just going to, it'll be the best decision you ever made.

Yeah.

Watch, go watch 90-day Day Fiancé and then figure out if you think it's going to be a good idea.

Yeah.

You watch that show and it's just like every single couple is like, this is bananas that people exist in this kind of relationship.

He's just got to stop.

Yeah.

You've got to get right.

I think it's just like you just have to block her.

Don't even say goodbye.

Be done with it.

Don't even say goodbye

and just shut it down and get out.

And that's it, man.

Yeah, but I think he's probably

vulnerable because he just got separated.

Now he's waiting for for the divorce.

You got two kids.

I don't think you should feel stupid for it.

No, you shouldn't feel stupid.

Vulnerable.

Yeah.

Like, you know,

you put yourself out a little bit more than you should have.

But what are you going to do?

You're married.

You're new being back in the game.

Last time he was dating someone,

this shit probably wasn't going on.

Probably didn't exist.

Yeah, but you're getting yourself into a bad situation.

You just got to get out, pal.

Yeah, count your losses.

Be done with it.

Yeah.

Cut up your credit card.

Well, Well, it's still online.

What do you mean?

His number is still online.

You don't have to cut it up.

Cancel it then.

Cancel that credit card so they can't try to get any more out of it and don't log back on.

Yeah.

And I hope, because you know that whoever this is has a folder with all the videos he's sent there.

So I hope they're like, you know.

They're like, all right, which I imagine they are because in these scams, I've heard that it goes like the second you send something that's like kind of like risky.

They're like, guess what, motherfucker?

I'm a dude, and I'm going to be suing you.

I'm not suing you.

I'm going to be exposing you to your friends and family on Facebook.

So it sounds like maybe he hasn't gone too far, but just get out.

Get out, get out, get out.

Get out while the guttin's good.

That's it, man.

Get out now.

Another word.

Not a dramatic goodbye.

Ended immediately, immediately, immediately.

Is that the worst kind of blackmail that you like?

Is that the nightmare scenario for guys?

That kind of blackmail?

It depends on.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I think there's worse blackmail.

Yeah, I'd say there's worse.

That's just mildly embarrassing.

Then what, dick pics?

Well, I don't know what, you know.

Or, you know, like, I guess he had dick pics and stuff.

Once then he sent a video where he's like, I love you so much.

Why won't you come to America?

You're like, even shit like that.

Like, I'd rather have fucking dick pics out than me going, like,

I love you.

And man, I just, I thought, you know, I just, you know, it's like, well, I thought you loved me.

You said this.

Yeah, I'd rather be like, if you're too whiny and like, you know, needy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd rather be like, look at me stirring off.

Look at this hog.

You like that, baby.

You like that.

Yeah, I'd rather that.

You could come back from that.

Nobody's coming back for like,

that gets around, you become a meme.

Oh, gosh.

We're somewhere in highliner on television, man.

You'll never get over it.

All right.

So, so saith Tellum Steve, Dave, just

cut it out now.

It'll be the, you'll, you won't regret it.

Nah, you'll meet someone, bud.

Meet somebody in real life, not somebody who lives half a world away, who happens to be fucking Russian or Ukrainian or whatever.

Like, those guys have the worst reputations for ripping people off.

Oh, the Russians?

Yeah, yeah.

In terms of like this kind of like, you know, marrying Russian brides and stuff like that.

It's because there's something in the water over in Russia.

They really make good looking.

Like, the women over there are like really, either really hot or

or they look like they're peasants.

Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, they have hunchbacks.

I think they all get hunchbacks by the time they're 40.

Really?

I'm not sure how old this girl is.

You're looking at a future hunchback, bro.

Unless you want to live in a bell tower somewhere.

And it's because it's a hard life.

You know, it's a hard fucking life over there.

It ain't easy, you know.

So that's what happens.

The backs gets hunched.

Oof.

Well, I'm glad he asked.

Yeah, me too.

Because he's probably too embarrassed to bring it to like his friends and family.

Yeah, especially, well, it becomes especially because nobody's going to look at you and be like, good for you, you gave her $1,400 for her schooling.

Yeah.

Not one person's going to say that.

No.

No.

So if not one person's going to say that, you have to look at that and say, hmm.

Yeah.

You got got, bro.

You got got.

We all get got sometimes.

We all get got, dude.

We've all been there.

We've all gotten got.

Yeah.

You got got.

It's just your turn.

But, you know, now that you're aware that you got got,

you got to get out.

Yeah.

Focus on your, getting your final divorce, focus on your two kids, and then maybe meeting somebody like more local to you so that you don't have to ship her all the way from the Ukraine to.

I mean, I know the reason that you think she's perfect, like personally and sexually and all that other stuff is because that's they design the conversations to do that.

Yeah.

So they tell you what you want to hear.

By the way, that's just, that's just.

Which means it probably is a guy.

I know what he likes.

Well, doesn't everybody do that when they first start dating anyway?

They're putting their best foot forward, the best version of themselves.

So, yeah, I feel for him because he's probably going to be legitimately heartbroken when he cuts her loose.

Right.

If he cuts her loose, but he should.

He should.

Do not ever talk to that woman again.

Ever.

That's BQ's advice.

And BQ gives good advice.

He does.

Yeah.

Best.

I do.

I've seen shit.

He's been around the block a time or two.

Been around the block.

Yeah.

Get out.

I'm doing it for your own.

I mean, I'd rather he

like join some sort of fucking club or, you know what I mean?

Like, do beach cleanups or some shit.

You'll meet someone.

Yeah.

It's out there, bud.

You'll get there.

His world is spinning right now.

His whole fucking compass is off.

He's out of touch.

He's out of time.

You know, he's older now.

He's probably feeling pretty insecure about himself, but you'll get over that, pal.

Yeah.

That's that's it.

The OnlyFans girls, they're there to tell you what you want to hear.

Yeah.

And show you what you want to see, but not really be who you want them to be.

Yeah.

Not in real life, anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

I feel good we can help that guy.

I think so.

Yeah.

I hope he listens.

He listens.

I hope he listens.

Yeah.

I hope he listens too.

Watch Cut to Ukraine, this beautiful, perfect woman who's totally real.

It's like she bought books with like everything Walt said is true.

And she's got her diploma from the University of Ukraine.

Show sends him a picture, it bounces back to her.

She comes up with a cure for COVID.

But never makes her way to America.

You never get the fucking vaccine.

Yeah, that would be rough.

Yeah.

Cut her loose, bro, and move on.

That is the only answer, I think, here.

Yeah, yeah.

It's outrageous.

But I do have the answer to something else.

You got some hairy balls you want to take care of?

Woo-hoo-wee.

Now, Walt mentioned this this earlier.

So this could be good for girls and guys.

Very sleek.

Very sleek and white.

That's how they used to do all the Apple stuff.

Everything was white, so it looks sleek.

Today we're here to celebrate the perfect summer grooming companion that will keep you looking cool even when it's sizzling outside.

We're excited to introduce to you the latest version of the Lawnmower family, the Lone Mower 5.0 Ultra in a new color, white hot.

White hot.

From this.

It's like a little white fucking gerbil.

Yeah, robotic gerbil all over you, taking taking care of business down here.

There you go.

In fact, it says it right here.

Shooting up all that hair.

Did you read this copy?

It says it.

It's like a little gerbil.

A robot gerbil.

In a sea of options.

I got the title for this week's show.

Robot gerbil.

In a sea of options to choose from perfect to...

to perfect your grooming routine, Manscaped undoubtedly shines.

And now by popular demand, they're writing the White Hot Waves with their special new edition,

Trimmer in White.

Step up your grooming game this summer with the Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra in White Hot.

Experience Precision like Next with the next-gen dual skin-safe blade heads, an updated trimmer blade, and an interchangeable foil blade for peak performance.

These updated blades are not just for show, they're designed to keep you looking smooth and sleek under the summer sun.

First, the updated trimmer blade features longer, wider, and rounded teeth that cut through the hair with ease, and here's where things get interesting.

The foil blade, crafted to transcend the boundaries of your typical trim, achieved with the trimmer blade.

This foil blade blade is designed to leave you with a finish that's irresistible, sleek, and utterly bare.

Nice.

Glides over your skin.

Switching between two blades is a breeze.

It's like having two trimmers in one, making sure you're always ready, always summer ready without breaking the bank.

Has an LED light.

Well, Giddam's fucking interested now.

I know, and Ginam just perked up.

He loves LED lights.

He loves LED lights.

I love shaved balls and LED lights.

Somehow, 148 geniuses fucking

gravitates towards light and light.

Like a fucking moth.

What happened?

What happened?

What's feeding this?

What did I miss?

I mean,

it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Yeah, wow, man, man.

I thought I had a rough.

The new LED light also features a dual temperature function designed to flatter a variety of skin tones.

So if you're part of the OG Manscape fam, this trimmer is a tribute to the classics, upholding the same features we've all come to love: a rechargeable L

L ion battery, RPM technology, a travel lock for seamless portability, USB-C charging, and a comprehensive three-bit-level battery life indicator.

And the best part, it's still waterproof.

So, whether you're at the beach or by the pool, it's always trimming time.

The pool?

Or the beach?

What are you guys talking about?

Just throw it in the bag and bring it with you to the beach?

What?

You're going to do it at the pool side.

What?

When you're going to the beach or to the pool.

I feel like we'd all get in trouble if we were shaving our balls poolside.

I wouldn't want that.

What kind of fucking bikini?

Unless you're wearing a speedo.

Right.

How much maintenance do you got to do if you're just putting on your fucking shorts and your swimming trunks?

I don't know.

I mean, are these guys talking about a full body shave?

Like legs and everything?

Although I do shave my back.

I do have Mary Beth buzz my back for me.

Yeah, it got too hairy.

I can't stand it like the way it feels on my shirt.

Okay.

And it does that LED light.

She says it helps.

She says it helps her say.

So join the 10 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped for all the grooming needs and get the special edition Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra in white hot today.

Get 20% off.

Plus free shipping with the code TESD at manscaped.com.

That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code TESD at manscaped.com.

No more juggling multiple tools or dealing with subpar results.

Just efficient, effective grooming whenever you need it.

All right.

You know, we got through the summer, dude.

I was thinking about this when I was driving over.

I'm like, just we never got those fucking jet skis.

I thought about that two days ago.

I was driving down the highway and I saw a trailer on the side of the road.

It had two jet skis for sale.

I just, we ended up, I was thinking about why, and I was like, you know, it's because my July,

half of June and July got taken off the table for me because I was touring every weekend and then I was away for the other stuff.

So it's like, oh man, this whole summer got fucking robbed.

We never got to do.

You still got some time left if you were to go out right now,

leave the office and run over to the Jet Ski dealership, pick you up.

You could still get a couple weekends in.

I'm away this weekend.

What about the next week?

I'll go on a Monday then.

Nobody says you have to do it on the weekend.

Brian's free fucking 24-7.

You're going to have to kick it the next year, man.

I've been waiting down at the Jetski place for you.

Maybe we're going to have to kick it the next year, dude.

Why don't you get one of those

suits, those diving suits?

I have one.

A wetsuit?

A wetsuit.

And this way we can go in cold water.

It just doesn't sound fun.

Like, I wanted a breezy, fun, like...

Yeah, like, we went jet skiing down in Key West.

And, like, that's, like, it's like the sun's beating down on you.

The water feels nice and cool as it splashes up and stuff.

Yeah.

Plus, I wanted to, like...

build a little culture.

Like, we know we're going out.

The first week we learned something new.

The second week, we know we can bring out maybe some sandwiches, some sodas, you know, out on the heavenly picnic on the bottom.

One hand, you're drinking soda, the other hand, you're holding a sandwich.

How the fuck you steering the chips?

Oh, you go out there and you're like, you like lash it together.

Steering it with your fucking knees.

Just have like a watery picnic.

Lash it together, or there's a lot of little islands out there.

Yeah, you don't drive.

I mean, I think it sounds way more masculine if you guys got wetsuits on, you're fucking, it's cold.

Yeah, it's like 30 degrees out of it.

You're fucking hitting those rougher waves.

Well, also, by the time.

You're not going on a fucking picnic like it's a fucking

know.

Feeding each other strawberries and shit.

That sounds nice, though.

That sounds awesome.

I mean, that sounds like the fucking great.

No, I'm really bumbleing, though.

No, I actually

want to fucking make it more hardcore.

Well, there would be hardcore stuff too, you know?

Yeah, we'd be jumping waves.

Yeah.

Going next to some big steamships and whatever.

You've still got time to do it.

There's still plenty of warm enough weather in September before I get a day off.

We've got to buy it.

We got to get the custom decals on it because I'm not going out there without the custom decals.

You need custom decals too?

Four-color demons, yeah, the custom decals and stuff.

How long does this fucking take to slap on a decal?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You got to design it.

You got to get it made.

It sounds like you're looking for any reason not to do this.

No, I'm telling you, next year, next year.

Next year.

You should buy them this year, though.

But then you got a storm all winter.

I'd rather get like the fresh new models next year.

Oh, you want a 2025 model?

Yeah, what am I going to do here?

Okay.

Float around at someone someone old's waterfall.

What's a jet ski run, you think?

I think they go between like five and like ten grand, maybe.

They don't make any that are like

that are dual

land and oh, land and oh, I think you meant two people.

Uh, I

don't know.

I really don't think you guys should fucking go with a two-person jet ski with a fucking with room for the picnic basket

on a sidecart.

Yeah, logging around

reaching around.

I meant they're like, they should create one that can go on land and sea.

Yeah, that would be cool.

You know, you just retract the wheels.

Yeah.

Then you go, then you could just ride it down to the beach.

Fucking retract the wheels.

Sounds amazing to me.

You know, and then fucking skid into the water.

I love it.

Make your presence known.

This beach now belongs to fucking Q and Johnson.

Beware.

The Baird Boys are back.

It's the middle of December.

Nobody's there.

You're fucking taking other people's picnic baskets.

Yeah.

Like Yogi Marriage, people.

Or the picnic bandits, man.

Fuck yeah.

You got a price, get them?

It's between $7,000 and $21,000.

Oh, shit.

$21,000?

What the hell does the $21,000 do?

It goes fast.

That's it?

Horsepower, baby.

Yeah.

All right.

See, horsepower.

I love it.

I got to ask your advice on something real quick.

Yeah.

Four years this Sunday.

Holy shit.

Married four years this Sunday.

And now what is the four-year anniversary?

I'm looking at it here right now.

Traditional is fruit or flowers.

Now that's easy.

Okay.

Flowers are easy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fruit is a bit more challenging.

You got an edible arrangement.

Yeah, I got an edible arrangement like from

Is that the name of the company?

Edible arrangement?

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of arrangement you're going to get, though?

Is it going to spell out something?

Like what kind of of arrangement?

Like a heart-shaped.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I would have to look and see the see what they have to offer.

Does she eat a lot of fruit?

No, not really.

Yeah, so it's probably not fruit then.

What's the non-oh, that's a cool looking thing?

She likes flowers, though.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Get them showing us a sea-do right here that has room for the fruit.

It looks like the Batmobile a little bit.

Yeah, it's kind of like a Batmobile.

Now, you imagine that with a full-color demonstration?

At least you get a red and black one.

Then your decals will really pop up.

Well, we were going to do a custom.

Didn't we see the artwork for it where it had a captain's hat and shit?

It's all in the future, man.

Wait, so what's the non-traditional gift?

Non-traditional is appliances.

Oh, I don't know.

Can you get her a refrigerator?

I think the answer is clear here.

Yeah, yeah.

Get her some flowers, yeah.

I always say flowers and like, you know, a dishwasher or something like that.

Yeah, we got a dishwasher.

And she has a ton of appliances she doesn't use already.

Do you have a bagel toaster?

We have a regular toaster oven.

Not a bagel toaster, though.

I do eat bagels every day, though.

A roomba?

There's an idea.

That's fucking six or seven hundred bucks, isn't it?

Isn't that thing really expensive?

Yeah, that's four years.

What's that?

That's four years.

What do you mean?

It's too expensive.

I know, but I brought her to see Marilyn Madsen already.

Now I'm fucking done.

Now I'm paying for Roombas.

Well, it does all the work for you.

Yeah, you get a lot of benefit from that Roomba.

I have a room right here.

And there's more time for you guys to spend together.

Oh,

more?

That Roomba is going to be the death of us.

You could spend 24 and a half hours together.

Somehow the Roomba has transcended time and space, so the day is even longer.

Honey, I got you two Roombas.

Upstairs and downstairs, Roomba.

Yeah.

Now we could really be in love.

Where are you going?

You want me to come with you?

I turned the Roomba on, baby.

Roomba.

Let me check Roombas.

Let me see how much a Roomba.

The most expensive one is like $900.

I bought one a couple of years back.

$125 to $250.

And nowadays.

What's up, Ed?

What's so much about $250?

That's not right.

Well, I'm just looking at something something that says save up to $545.

That's

the low wave.

Yeah, that's like

the 20s knockoff.

You want the one that can see vomit.

That's a seven.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I do.

My dog threw up on the rug the other day.

I was like, I almost gave him away.

Holy shit.

You already

gave him away.

Really?

Yeah, I couldn't believe the size of the puddle of this fucking vomit.

I was like, it has a new fucking thing to fucking tag on.

Fucking reprehensible fucking human being.

Poor dog got sick.

He's an animal abuser.

He's like, did you hear this?

Oh, he's just going to, you know, he just said on that episode that he was just going to give away the dog.

Stick to talking about big tits because we don't want to hear about

your animal hatred.

Yeah, I think I would be gone before the dog would if it were up to Mary Beth.

But yeah, you want to get those Roombas that can, like, they can pick up vomit or feces.

Really?

So then it doesn't drag it all through the carpet, all over the tile floor.

They're super smart now.

I don't think it picks them up.

I think it just avoids them.

Well, it has a feces fucking

mode.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

But it's like a little

bit.

So it averts it, then it goes around.

Yeah, that I mine's like two years old, and it had that thing where it's like, if it sees dog shit, it will go around it.

A warning.

Danger, Will Robinson.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Pet owner official promise.

Yeah, steal clear of the waste.

Now you know your gal's gonna fucking love that.

You're like, I didn't just get you any old Roomba.

Right.

This one goes around dog shit.

Yeah, the dog owner shit's you.

Oh, I got it for you.

It was my gift to you, baby.

It was meant to be

forever and ever.

Or at least till the fucking Roomba burns out.

Right, yeah.

It

misses the shit and goes

starts smoking.

I will say, I do love my Roomba.

Do you?

It is fucking awesome.

Yeah.

And it's just, it's good for like carpets too?

Carpets,

I use it mainly for the kitchen.

But there's a lot of cat hair, you know, in my influence.

Right, right.

So I set the room in the living.

Yeah, we got a lot of pet hair in our house.

Yeah, and it does a good job of that.

I love the Roomba.

I've had them for, I mean, years.

Years.

Yeah.

All right.

Maybe a room was the answer.

I worked through.

Now they vacuum them, now they clean themselves out.

You used to have to pop out the thing, and now they go to a dock and a vacuum bag just sucks all the dust out.

Damn, that is smart.

I put googly eyes on them, and I name them.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You literally will never have to touch it once you turn it on.

That's not true.

I mean, you won't.

Somebody will have to.

Yeah.

They do need maintenance.

Maybe I'll get her her jet ski.

Now you're fully thinking.

If you don't want to use it, me and Q are thinking about it.

Wow, four years, huh?

Four years.

Yep.

Jeez, Louise.

Doesn't seem like it, though.

Just flew by.

Which is good.

Yeah, it flew by.

Doesn't seem like four years.

That's good.

That's probably a good feeling.

Yeah.

It's when it turns over, I guess, to like, wow, it's only been four years.

It seems like a lifetime.

What do you think she's getting you?

She already brought me to the Monster Mania with the Henry Winkler thing.

Oh, okay.

So that was her gift to me.

Nice.

And then the DabbleCon was kind of our getaway because

she watches, too.

She's pretty familiar with all that stuff.

And then we may go down to AC because every year we go down to AC to have White House subs.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

It's in the Hard Rock Cafe.

It's like the first year we went down to

our first anniversary.

I don't think I've ever seen you eat a sub.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Remember in the limo.

You got all freaked out by it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

that's right.

I almost blacked out.

That's why I don't remember it.

That was the last time I think I ever saw you eat a sub.

Yeah, I don't eat them that frequently, but

the first year we went down to AC,

we were supposed to go to.

The very first year you were dating?

No, the very first year we were married, our first anniversary.

We were going to go to AC, spend the night, and go to Ruby.

It's a risky thing to eat if you're first dating, though.

Subs.

Subs?

Yeah, because it's kind of not, you know, it's not a very delicate, you know, it takes a skilled person to eat a sub and not look like a fucking.

Not have onions hanging out of the mouth and shit.

Yeah.

I don't possess that skill.

Yeah, you can look, it could, it's not a very feminine thing to eat in front of her man, a big old fat sub.

Oh, I disagree, man.

I think the wider she opens her mouth, the better it gets.

Oh, yeah.

That if everything slides out the side of the sub.

Oh, yeah, she bites it.

It's like, man, it's on the side of her face.

I love you so much.

And if it's an onion sub,

you know, and then you got to smell the onions all night long, and you got to pretend you don't smell them

like I did.

Did you pretend?

Because it sounded like

you're bad at pretending.

I'm too old to pretend.

I've been hearing Walt say this thing recently where he's like, I'm at that stage of my life.

I love hearing that because I feel the exact same way.

I'm at that stage of my life where fuck it.

Yeah, I know what you guys mean.

Yeah.

It's nice, though, isn't it?

A nice

stage.

Getting into it now where you're like, I don't care.

Yeah, you just don't care that much.

Yeah.

I think that's nice.

Fuck it.

The fuck it stage.

Middle-aged has got to have some gifts.

Can't all be about taking shit away.

I know.

I just got, just went to the doctor.

They're like, your cholesterol is too high.

This is too much.

What do you got to do?

This is too much.

I think I have to drink more water.

And

part of it is...

Oh, come.

What does the water do for your cholesterol?

I'm sorry, not the cholesterol, my red blood cells.

He said I might be a little dehydrated because I had too many red blood cells.

But it could also be because of the testosterone injections that I take.

So it could be either one of them.

He has to keep a close eye on it, he said.

And have you started a water regimen?

I haven't.

As you can see, I'm drinking a Coke Zero.

Yeah, you got to get rid of it.

It's tough.

You've got to drop the soda, right?

Well, no, you can still have a soda here and there i i was told by my doctor have a soda in the morning to get you going because basically that's my coffee but then throughout the day don't have anything other than water and then maybe at dinner if you want to have another soda only drink half the soda and then nothing else but water the rest of the night really yeah wow

Yeah, all right.

Don't talk to me before I have my Coke.

You know, I, you know, that's the way you are now?

Yeah.

I wake up like a fucking tyrant.

I can't stand people like that.

Like, I haven't had my coffee yet.

Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee.

It's like, would you fuck off?

Yeah.

It's a medically proven fucking ailment, though.

Whether they're addicted to the calendar.

If they don't have it,

people are in a bad mood until they get that stimulant.

You're not lying.

Maybe that's why I'm in a bad mood all day.

I should drink coffee in the morning.

I think you're drinking the soda, though, so you should be filling that caffeine fix with that, though.

How much water are you drinking a day?

Probably like one or two two bottles at the most.

Yeah, that's not enough.

Yeah.

All right, starting tomorrow.

And then I'll report back next week.

It was tough for me.

Was it hard to get adjusted too?

It was tough, yeah.

It felt like I was drowning myself.

You know, drinking three or four bottles, you know,

over the course of eight hours was like tough.

Right.

But now it's, it's still tough because I'm not a big drinker.

My belly fills up quicker, I think, than most people.

Dude, I've noticed, I don't know if you guys noticed this, but my bladder has become the bladder of a fucking baby.

Oh, no.

I had that operation.

Right?

I got, like I said, they told me I had the bladder of a 19-year-old.

Really?

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, not me, man.

Like every three minutes.

You get that operation.

Every three minutes.

Yeah, I'll just go in there voluntarily.

And remove a rib wire on it, Doc.

There's two needles.

If we're doing one needless surgery, might as well go for broke.

Yeah, that's it.

I went to the doctor the other day and I got my blood pressure meds.

Yeah, I'm all fixed up.

I've got blood pressure meds too.

Oh, I've had those for years, yeah.

It's because I'm so fucking fat.

You're not fat.

Yeah, I am.

I'm like 50 pounds overweight.

I've definitely been way fat.

You're not fat at all.

No one would ever look at you and say you're fat, though.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

No.

No way.

Not a chance.

That's why you guys aren't doctors.

Doctors that give fat fuck some weight.

So, how much meds do you take a day then?

Sounds like you're fucking.

I take blood pressure.

Do you have one of those big giant boxes where the days with the pill box where you it's not giant but I do have one

yeah it's not giant but I do have one yeah I take I take for blood pressure I take for my stomach Mary Beth yeah I need my two o'clock horse pill

am I bedridden why am I yelling Mary Beth it's 215 I need my next pill yeah like I have the timer on my phone going off

why can't I give you the two o'clock and a 215 at the same time Are you a doctor?

You don't want to see me?

You don't want to talk to me?

You just want to play with your Roomba?

This is our together time.

All time is our together time.

I won't be surprised if we see year five.

Tell that dog to stop throwing up.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.