#595: Kojak Fever

Literally, they live like two miles over a river, and I'm like, fuck you, fuck you for life, you piece of shit.

I just got fucking water fucking under control.

Now I gotta fucking go on a milk regiment too.

Well, do you want to be 110?

You want to be a super centenarian?

I do.

That's how we had all those pianos, man.

The cloth diapers and the titty milk.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

Waltz here, of course,

and BQ.

Hello.

After braving the traffic of Staten Island and New Jersey, he finally got here after an hour and 10 minutes.

I can't fucking deal with anything anymore, man.

I'm at that part of the season where I'm just like, fuck it.

Yeah.

Fuck everything.

Yeah.

So traveling didn't help.

Yeah.

Everybody's trying to get out of Staten Island.

Where are they going?

Apparently, Jersey.

I don't know.

I'm used to that.

Today's what?

Thursday?

Thursday.

Yeah,

in the summer, can't even attempt it on a Friday.

That level of traffic starts at like 11 a.m.

But Thursdays, especially when on its even warmout, it's usually.

Why is it so paramount that everybody gets out of Staten Island when it gets warm?

Well, I don't think it's that everybody gets out of Staten Island.

It's that Staten Island is, if you're going to Jersey from all parts of New York, you have to go through Staten Island.

So you get all the boroughs, those fucking shitty other boroughs,

plow through us to get, yeah, to get to Jersey.

And plus, plus, you know, half the plates there are Jersey plates, so it's freaks, freaks, freaks from the other side of the river.

You know, it's just that's the way I feel about New York people.

Like, on my way here today, I'm in the passing lane, and there's somebody from New York going 40 miles an hour.

And I'm like, what the fuck is it with these New York people?

Why do they got to come here and go slow?

I had this thought the other day.

I was driving behind the Jersey guy going out of the Verrazzano, and he's in the fucking left lane, and he's going slow, and he's got that fucking yellow plate that I know is going to cause me a headache, right?

And I'm like, and I said to myself, like, I was like, these fucking Jersey pieces of shit.

And then I'm like, we're never going to solve racism or bigotry ever.

You can't even get a Jersey.

I'm like, literally, like, Jersey's a different tribe.

Like, I don't even know who's what color they are, who they are, religion.

Literally, they live like two miles over a river.

And I'm like, fuck you, fuck you for life, you piece of shit.

All because we don't drive to your liking.

Yeah.

That's right.

That's right.

Wow.

How far we've advanced.

I have no doubt that people are behind me going, come on, you fucking asshole.

You know, it's just the rules of the road.

But my gosh, the tribalism is like, it's instant.

It is.

And it's long standing.

I've been going back and rewatching All in the Family.

And the number of shots they take at Jersey.

They're big from Queens, you know.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, they take a lot of shots at Jersey.

It's a shame.

Me and Ginnam were driving to the post office today, and

I lashed out at a driver for not using their signal, you know, turning into the post office.

And then lo and behold, I was waiting for him to come out of the post office.

I'm sitting on my car and I saw this like ancient

110 year old woman struggling to get into her car.

And I looked at the car and I was like, oh, God, it was the car I was so mad at.

I mean,

she didn't know I blew up in the car.

The only thing was took the brunt of it.

Stupid motherfucker.

You drive like her, don't you?

But I felt really bad, though.

You don't feel that way as a New York driver.

I don't think you guys would feel remorse or guilt for learning.

No, in that situation, I'd be like, get this fucking old bag off the road.

Like, take away her fucking license.

Like, how long have you had to learn to use a signal?

Yeah.

And you're still not using it.

Dotty old broad?

Get the fuck, fly out of here, you bat.

I believe.

Die already.

That's all these things I would say.

I believe my,

before I blacked out, I was so mad.

I said, just because you got a fucking handicapped fucking plate doesn't mean you don't have to use your fucking blinker.

Yeah.

And then I was like, oh my God, she was so handicapped.

I was like, she never has to use a blinker again.

But she does, bro.

No, but she fucking does.

I know, but you got to give her the pass, though.

No, if you look,

my days of yelling at other drivers are over.

You know, if you had yelled at the old woman.

I didn't.

That's what I'm saying.

But if you're in your car and you're blowing off a little steam to get them over there, like, you shouldn't feel bad.

And she shouldn't be on the fucking road.

I'm sorry.

It's very common with old people.

I remember I was on Main Street once, you know, in Port Monmouth, and I'm driving and all of a sudden, like, you know, this lady has stopped in the middle of Main Street.

So I hit my brakes and I'm like, what is she doing?

And she stops to let somebody out of a side street.

Because old people think they're being nice.

Right.

When really what you're doing is endangering yourself and everyone around you.

You stop.

What's everyone?

I was on Main Street.

In what town?

In Port Monmouth.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

So, you know, it's like you don't just stop.

You know, I almost rear-ended her.

I was like, what the fuck is she doing?

And she stopped to let somebody out of a side street.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, these are,

at the end of the day, though, there's some, you know, those old people, though, you know, they have just as much right to that road as we do.

They absolutely do, if they use it correctly.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would have been well within your rights to road raid, John.

Like, get out and be like, you old fucking bitty.

Some of those old people are fucking pedophiles.

It's not like they're innocent just because they're old.

They're fucking aged monsters.

They're the family of records.

Yeah, they're fucking, they beat their wives.

They fucking steal from each other.

It's not like they're innocent just because they got blue hair.

Fuck them.

Fuck the young people

over an hour to get here.

I'm fucking pissed, man.

That traffic killed me.

Yeah.

I saw something, Walt.

I thought of you immediately, and you probably know this already.

That Tom Brady is in the soup.

And not the Super Bowl.

I don't know.

But in the proverbial soup.

Isn't he retired?

Yeah.

Why are people still picking on him?

Tom Brady Super fans shelled out thousands for his autograph at a Miami event or outraged after they say they were left with illegible scribbles on their valuables.

Oh, really?

But sources close to the situation, and this gives Tom Brady the out a little bit, insist that he was just as hoodwinked by the outing as they were.

Somebody said that they would much rather have him not sign what they got because he defaced their stuff.

And I think what happened was

so 100 people

forked over $3,600 for VIP tickets to a weekend business conference where Brady was one of the speakers.

The price of the ticket included dinners, a cruise, a museum tour, and front row seats to Brady's address, plus a meet-and-greet and casual autograph signing.

And I guess that people who brought stuff said that

Tom Brady says, or Tom Brady's camp says,

that

it was only supposed to be for a few select VIP people

in this gathering, but everybody brought shit.

So Tom didn't want to sign stuff for 100-plus people.

Now he's catching shit for it.

I would have never paid $3,600 to receive the signature I got today.

How

I guess this is his signature that

he normally has.

It's kind of a scribble anyway, but sure.

It looks a little bit scribbly.

It doesn't look that

recognizable as a Tom Brady signature.

It kind of looks like Brian Johnson kind of fucking on a.

Yeah, it's like, what does that sign?

On a bicycle, fucking signed it on his like as he rode by.

Like Steve-O got his tattoo while he was driving in a truck.

That's the that's the I mean that is rough.

Yeah, that's a little rough.

I mean it's too bad.

He just doesn't do TB.

Like, you know, I know you got it easy.

You just got to put that Q on.

I've did that for a while.

I just dropped the Q on

and nobody complained.

What do you mean you dropped the Q?

I would just do a Q.

Oh, yeah.

I think that's totally fine.

I'll be happy with that.

Yeah, nobody ever complained about it.

And sometimes I'll just do the whole thing.

And most times I'll do the whole thing because

I don't know.

You're a good guy.

Well, there's those dudes that meet you, like the, you know, there's the people that meet you at the airport or show up at your hotel with like a poster board with like 50 fucking things for you to sign.

Those guys are annoying.

Like, I'll do it.

I'll do a Tom Brady S signature for them.

I'll do a quick, like, they're not even fucking know

type thing.

Brady was completely blindsided.

A source, a close source said this is supposed supposed to be signatures for VIPs of the conference, not for his biggest collectors.

He was told the event would be a simple signing of books and photographs, not an official event where collectors would be able to gather authenticated autographs on valuable memorabilia.

So Tom Brady said

that shit.

I got a feeling Tom will

do right by those people.

And if he can, maybe he'll send them something, each of them, something signed.

I think so.

You know, with a very

block letters.

Super nice.

Yeah.

I mean, that is a lot of money to spend for a signature.

It is.

One of the people said,

I still blame Tom for a lot of this.

I understand why he was upset in his shoes.

I would have been pissed off, too.

But he let his emotions get the best of him.

And he didn't hurt the promoters.

He hurt those of us that were there with items.

Yeah.

Representatives for Brady declined to comment.

He could have not just signed it, or did he agree he would sign it?

I think that the promoter was like, hey, he's going to sign all your shit.

And somebody else told Tom Brady, hey, you know what?

All you got to do is sign a couple things.

I'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

Well, what are you going to do?

I mean, look, technically, he did what he said he was going to do.

It's just, those are not great signatures.

No.

So, Tom Brady, Golden Boy, catching a little bit of shit.

Somebody had a pair of his shoes, I guess.

To have their,

what's it called?

Their Super Bowl stuff.

I had an aunt come in, and he told me that it would have been amazing.

He

was at some sort of yacht event, a yachting event, and Tom Brady was there.

Like a boat show or an actual yacht race?

I don't remember the details exactly, but Tom Brady was there, and he came into a gymnasium or some sort of

warehouse or something where it was this aunt and another guy working on something.

And it was Brady and some handler.

And like it was only four people in the

room, in this giant room.

And Brady started came over to him and started talking to him about whatever they were doing for the event.

And he asked him, he's like, hey, I listened to this podcast.

He goes, there's one guy in there that really digs you.

Could you just say, hey, this is Tom Brady?

You're listening to Tom Steve Dave.

And he took his phone and he was about to record it.

And his handler was like, Tom, I don't think that's a good idea.

I don't think you don't know anything about that.

Really?

Well, he's not wrong.

You're probably right.

And he goes, yeah, I can't do it.

He goes, but he said he reached for the phone.

He didn't have the phone in his hand, but he reached for it.

But his handler put the gabosh on it.

Oh, okay.

Because basically, it's almost as, to me, that's almost as good as having it.

It's pretty close, but a fucking handler.

Big mouth handler.

Doing his job like he ought to.

That's a good looking out.

I ran into that a couple times at cons with people from The Walking Dead, even though we were sort of

related at the time being on being on the same network.

There were still a couple of people like, no, no, no, like they're handlers, not them, but their handlers would say, No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Right.

Because they don't know what we're talking about.

We could be like an ultra-right-wing, you know.

Yeah, and then the next thing, you know, they're catching shit.

Yeah.

Tom Brady not only won't sign autographs, but associated with

tell him Steve Dave.

Like something something a four-year-old did.

Simply inexcusable, attendees are saying, oh, my God.

They're really angry.

Yeah.

Although, if you go from like, you just got to sign a couple things to, like, hey, you have to sign hundreds of pieces of memorabilia so that these people can turn around and sell them.

Yeah.

Probably.

You know, I know somebody who spends a lot of dough on signatures.

We all do, yeah.

And I think

I'm surprised he hasn't, he wasn't at this event.

And I guarantee you, he would not be bitching and moaning about the signature.

He would just have been happy to be in Brady's presence.

Even spending that much?

Even spending that much.

I don't think this guy would

throw a little hissy fit and stamp his feet and go online and bitch and moan.

I think he would just be like, you know,

I was in his presence.

That was good enough.

For $3,600?

And you think you're going to get stuff?

Like, you're told.

No, you think.

You're told.

You know, you saw him sign it.

What more do you want?

And you got everything else.

You got the cruise.

You got the food.

You got the front row seats.

Like, how much really was that legible signature worth in that money?

I guess a lot in terms of like turning around and being able to resell it because it's hard to get it authenticated.

Yeah.

I get it.

I wouldn't have done what he did.

I think you just suck it up and you just sign it.

Just do it.

Yeah.

But what do I know?

He's the greatest.

Right?

I don't think there's any question.

Yeah.

I don't know why you say right after that.

I don't know why you put the little right after that sentence.

I was making sure we all agree.

Giddam I were talking a little bit before we were, Walt and Giddam, have taken to watching Kojak here.

Yeah, I saw that when I came in.

You guys are.

Yeah, I fucked up bad.

Why?

He's in trouble.

Well, Kojak isn't streaming anywhere.

Okay.

But it is on Amazon Prime.

Right.

And only one season is available.

I think it's season two.

And it said you could buy season two two for $1.79.

I was like,

I immediately fucking just started smashing the button to buy button for $1.79 for the fucking price.

It turns out I brought 25 episodes at $1.79.

And now I got to go home and tell the missus that, you know, there's a $50 charge for Kojak

when we're trying to, like, you know, we're trying to save and

be frugal.

And, you know, all of a sudden I've just announced that, hey, I spent $50 on Kojak.

And she's like, gonna be, how do I explain that?

I was gonna have Giddam take the phone.

I was like, he fucking was on our Amazon account.

Yeah.

And he fucking, his fat fingers fucking hit the wrong button.

And

it's gotta get personal.

Can't just blame it on Giddam.

But I brought 25 episodes out of $1.79.

And now I don't know what.

I don't know.

Somewhere in an accounting department is like a a chart with a fucking sudden Kojak spider.

Where is this?

Some little town in New Jersey?

It's crazy for Kojak.

We've sold 2,000% more than we've ever sold.

And then Gadam kind of made me like, you know, made me feel stupid because he's like, well,

if it was $1.79 for 25 episodes, why wouldn't they just give it away for free?

Why would you even charge $1.79 for $25?

You had to just think it didn't make any sense.

Well, you don't understand how contracts work.

So maybe they're not allowed to do that.

You know.

What do you do?

And you go home and you got to break into it.

If I'm you, yeah, how do you do that?

And I control the Telum Steve Dave purse strings.

I don't mention it to me and Brian.

I go home and I say,

yeah, we bought some stuff for the episode.

Research.

Pass it right off to the fucking Patreon money as well.

That's me.

Whatever they say.

It's a write-off.

It is a write-off.

It's on her card, though.

Well, so she reimbursed her from Gelevise, Dave, is what I would have done.

It's too late now.

Now

we're looking at it right now.

It does say buy season two for $1.79.

Yeah.

But then it says by episode one for $1.99.

That is good.

I can't figure it out.

I don't know what you said or though.

Like a grown man, a breadwinner who's afraid of his wife for an accidental $50 charge?

Or do I feel sad or forget him?

He's like, he's just a simple boy.

Like Debbie House.

He's a fat idiot with fat fingers.

Yeah.

He knows he goes on to our Amazon Prime, though,

because he's always watching our fucking cams.

He's always telling me what's going on in front of my house.

She's comfortable with that.

Well, it's the outside of our house.

He can see our driveway and our front yard, and she doesn't think that's a bad idea because he's hipped us to shit in the past.

Has he, really?

Yeah.

He's a delivery guy out there right now.

I love it.

I love it.

So I could easily throw him under the bus and be like, that fucking idiot.

Yeah.

You know, he thought he was doing good.

He didn't know.

The fake phone call follows in front of Deb.

You stupid, you upset my wife.

Could you do it?

Could you get her into Kojak?

No, I've tried to get her into old shows.

She has no patience for old shows.

All right, because that would have been an out, too.

It could have been.

She caught Kojak fever.

Yeah, it's hard to catch Kojak

I don't know.

I was wondering here a little bit.

I think I got a little.

Yeah, I think it's easier for you

and the people we know rather than

her.

I don't think she'd have entertained that this is a great show, but I love it.

And

I'll be,

if anybody wants an autograph, I'll sign it

allegedly for $2.

And if I can just get 25 people.

What

made me think, though, is there was a kidnapping, and then Gidham said that if he were kidnapped,

would you pay up?

Now, I see you sweating over this $50, this potential $50 charge.

I don't know what his ransom is going to be.

Non-refundable, too.

That's money he works.

Who else are they going to go to?

Did his father be the first person?

They went to him and they couldn't reach him.

And his dad's just a regular guy.

He sees you.

He's like, oh, that guy was on TV.

The other guy's on TV.

Everybody's on fucking TV.

They must have some TV money.

Yeah.

And who's kidnapped?

What gang is this is like?

It's like MS-13.

They're like super brutal.

There's a tire filled with

gasoline around his neck.

Just like pay us.

They got a necklace ass.

It sounds more like the Apple Dumpling gang than fucking MS-13.

What a fucking piss-poor mismanagement of like

committing a fucking felony, and you're going to kidnap him.

Get him, get him, yeah.

You're going to nab him.

You're like, don't go to the cops, we'll kill him.

Click, yeah.

I want proof.

Proof, proof, of life.

Yeah.

Well, he just told us about a fucking boring-ass Walmart boot story.

Oh, fuck.

Thank God he's still alive.

Yeah, he's alive and kicking.

And he told it to us three times.

Three times?

Once was too much.

Which is like,

you just leave him with them as punishment to them.

Oh, man.

What sort of

paycheck do you think you're going to give over forget him?

Like, what would you be willing to go out of pocket?

Forget him?

I mean, it depends on how much they're asking.

Are they asking like an exorbitant amount?

If they're like, we want $10,000 from each of you.

say $25,000.

They want $25,000 from each of us.

From each of us.

Yeah.

I think for us.

Forget them, safe return.

We run down to the general store, record a quick podcast, put it up on Bandcamp.

See how much we can get.

See how much we can get.

And if it gets to $25,000, great.

Well, really, we need $75.

$25 each.

Oh, $25 each.

Oh, fuck.

I don't think we're.

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay.

Well, yeah, it's going to take more, it's going to take multiple episodes of bonus pods on Bandcamp to get that much money.

Well, if you're not fucking blown everything on Kojak,

we might have something.

Wow.

I think personally, if they were like, yeah, you got to kick in 25,

and you guys were like, yeah, we're going to do it.

Yeah, I would kick in 25.

Oh, no, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

No?

No.

No.

No, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

You do it once.

They're going to kill.

Well, I got to follow suit though.

What am I supposed to do?

Sorry.

Sorry, good.

Did you have a bad experience?

No, but it's just like if you, you know, if you're giving away free shit, they're going to keep showing up, you know?

Can't do it.

What if they kidnap Boris?

Oh, I'll give $25,000.

Yeah, they'll just start negotiating.

Yeah, get him back to me without a whisker arm.

Now, obviously, yeah, we do a live show or something like that, right?

We could raise it with a live show.

Yeah.

We get him back.

Yeah.

Couldn't we just send in Troy to fucking save him?

Troy, like who?

He's like fucking John Wick or something going in there.

Well, he's the only one that I know that would be

capable, I think, of rescuing him.

He's like, I'll do it, but I'm going to need some backup.

This is like off the books.

I can't be telling anybody about this.

You know him best.

You got to come with me.

You can sit in the car.

Where do I got to go?

I have to go travel to out of state.

Maybe.

Maybe like down South Jersey somewhere, like the Pine Barrens.

That's part of Sunday drive, Darcy.

Yeah,

I could hit the Red Robin down in brick Yeah.

On the way.

You don't even wait till you got him.

They stop at AC.

Oh, no, I lost all the ransom money.

I didn't think I'd play that many hands.

I can't.

I mean, just watch it.

I can't believe you got Kojak for $1.79 for the whole second season.

Yeah, I don't think I did.

It says, though, it did say right up there.

Season two, $1.79.

Well, let's hope.

Let's cross our fingers.

Season four, $1.99.

You should roll the dice again.

How many seasons were there, Arcona?

Five.

Five.

Okay.

Can't recommend it enough.

Better than Perry Mason?

Oh, I think so.

I've watched Perry Mason, and I think this is more enjoyable for the out

just ridiculously over-the-top dialogue and the backgrounds, like on location 70s, New York.

It's fucking riveting to watch what's going on around in the background.

Oh, wow.

I didn't realize it it was New York.

Yeah, filmed on location in prime, some of those grungiest, really,

grittiest backdrops that they just had access to.

And it just is riveting.

You can watch it on so many different levels.

Yeah.

And it's really enjoyable.

Yeah.

It was on Pluto and

we were jonesing for it.

And then they took it away a couple nights ago.

And I was just in my living room and I crestfallen

when they stopped showing it on Pluto.

But I thought he downloaded everything illegally anyway.

He couldn't swipe code.

He's not allowed to do that in the general store anymore.

And we got a letter.

Did you really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, did you go?

My wife forbid him.

She got the letter because she takes care of the Comcast bill.

And she was like, that fucking fat freaking idiot.

Why won't somebody kidnap his ass?

He was downloading fucking Star Trek, I think.

She's like, what's this?

I don't know.

I don't care.

You know, I don't like Star Trek.

Are we going to get in trouble?

It's funny then.

But that happened at the other store, too, right?

Wasn't it?

No, I don't think he ever got.

Did you ever get caught at Stash?

It wasn't him.

Oh, I think it was somebody else.

We did get a letter.

Yeah, Carol got a letter about someone illegally downloading content.

And Mike and Giddam both were like, you know, that Spider-Man meme where they're pointing at each other.

Yeah, yeah.

They both were like, he did it, he did it, he did it.

And

I believe Giddam.

I think he would tell me the truth at this point.

I think he would gleefully tell me it was him, like, kind of like, you know,

grinning ear to ear.

But, you know, the fact that he maintains he still didn't do it tells me everything.

Right.

But this person evidently had tweeted that they watched this show.

Oh, that's right.

Yes.

Yes.

They sort of busted themselves.

Nobody asked me.

No.

If it was if I was the culprit.

Yeah, I think probably

with your technological know-how.

What was the show?

What was the show?

Some, I guess it was a Picard, right?

That one that was here.

The one at, yeah, the one at the stash.

Brooklyn 9-9?

Brooklyn 9-9.

Imagine getting in in trouble for that show.

It's on Netflix.

It's good.

I don't think so.

But then again, I'm not an Andy Sandberg guy.

I don't really care for him too much.

There's an Andy Sandberg hater here.

Who do you know?

Yeah?

Yeah.

He never bothered me.

I find him inoffensive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never watched Brooklyn 99, but it wasn't.

Didn't he make a really fucking funny movie?

One of their movies is like...

It was good?

Really good.

I can't remember which one.

I'm not sure.

It was the Lonely Island Guys.

I don't know.

I like their stuff, so who knows?

Check it out.

I don't even know where they are anymore.

Waltz, I was also thinking about you today because I read this story: that a guy has lived in a New Jersey man

is 110 years old,

lives on his own, and drives daily.

He tips on longevity.

Yeah, that was probably him.

You were.

Oh, no, it was a lady that I saw.

Oh, it was a lady?

Yeah.

He's a former firefighter, too, Q.

Yeah.

Yep.

Now, this was the one thing about the article that really made me think: like, I wonder why?

Because they call us super centenarians.

Centenarians.

Yep, super centenarians.

People that are 100 plus.

I mean, I think you say that and you kind of gloss over

how

incredible that is to be 110 and still be driving.

I don't think you give that as much

recognition because that's he still says he drives pretty fast.

Very, very rare to be able to drive at 110.

Did you be in the car with him, Q?

To do what?

He's going to take you, you got to go run some errands, his errands.

Probably not.

I don't want to spend my time doing business.

Well, he's also going to

give you some his life lessons and some wisdom.

He's going to

tell you the secrets to longevity and how to make it to 110.

But you got to go on his errands and he's got to drive.

I would do that.

I would like to hear what he has to say.

Not about living longer.

It's like, whatever.

I'm sure it's out of his control, but like what lessons did he learn in 110?

His regrets and

the things that he's glad he did and things that he's not maybe so happy he did.

Correct.

He said he smokes cigarettes for 20 years.

He worked his whole life from 15 to 70.

And he eats whatever he likes, including hamburgers, milk, chocolate, and Italian food, has an occasional beer, drinks coffee every day, and and is amused by people who run.

He laughs at people who jog.

He's like, where are they running to?

That's what he says.

He credits luck, milk, and doing what he loves for his long and healthy life.

Milk?

Yeah, he says he drinks a lot of milk.

I don't drink any milk, man.

No?

No.

He was drinking milk and eating well because he lived and worked on a farm when he was young.

So he got started in milk.

It gave him some good bones.

The last time I had a glass of milk, I couldn't even tell you.

I just don't, yeah, I mean.

Well, what do you really drink milk with, aside from like cookies and cake and stuff like that?

Yeah, cereal.

Well, that's not.

Is that drinking milk?

Yeah, you're not a cereal guy.

Yeah.

But I just got fucking water fucking under control.

Now I got to fucking go on a milk regiment, too.

Well, do you want to be 110?

Do you want to be a super centenarian?

I do.

Is it whole milk?

Because I can't do that fucking San Francisco milk.

Well, that's called cum.

No.

Don't tell me about all that.

All that fucking milk me, boys.

Don't tell me about all that fake milk, all that shit.

That's like, oh, 2%, 1%.

Yeah, it's all like poser milk.

Yeah.

I like, I mean, I don't even like milk.

Like American milk.

But when I was a kid, now I drink milk.

It was thick.

You know,

like a milkshake.

It left a fucking, it left your throat phlegmy.

Right.

I can't even tell you if I could drink a whole glass of milk right now without

feeling like I was going to vomit.

Well, you think about what milk is and you're like, it's kind of disgusting.

Like, this is an enzyme grown in a cow's tit that they squeeze out and then you drink.

Yeah, but.

Why don't you put it in a refrigerator?

It's also, you know,

humans do it too.

They produce milk.

So how do you do that?

You were breastfed?

No, I don't know.

Me neither.

So then what are we talking about?

I wasn't.

Right, but you had a break.

Aren't you

artificial breast milk, though.

You had the powdered, probably the simillac shit.

Probably.

Who knows what damage it caused me, but yeah.

Are you happy that you weren't?

Yeah.

How come?

You know, I like to be fucking

living on

like fucking American daily societies, Frankenstein here.

Drink this and you'll grow up fine.

Like, there's chemicals in it.

There's proteins in it.

There's, there's.

But do you think you would have a more special relationship, though, with your mom?

A bond that's only people who sucked off her

teeth.

Teet suckers?

I don't know.

Like you and your dad, high-five and shit.

Yeah, like we've both been there.

I don't know.

I guess you'd have to ask someone that was one of those.

I was, and I can tell you, no, no special bond warning.

Really?

For how long?

I don't know, like six, seven years.

No, I mean, I think until I was ready for solid foods, probably like the first year year or so, something like that, maybe a little bit less.

Yeah.

Sucked at the old teeth.

Sucked at the tit.

Yeah.

So are my brothers.

Yeah, even into the 70s.

She was fucking hard.

She put in a lot of fucking time.

I wonder how much of it was due to, like, well, like, formula costs money and this shit's free.

You guys fucking had VCRs.

You guys had fucking pianos.

And all of a sudden you cut corners.

You're like, she's got to fucking produce her own milk or fuck it out on the streets.

I guess so, yeah.

I mean, it could have been.

I remember.

Stop buying pianos.

I remember they had like by the time they had their third piano eric and darren were born i've never seen any johnson ever tickle the ivories but they got multiple pianos yeah

it was yeah we had piano for a long time yeah nobody really made you made use of it

but uh with my brothers also i remember my my mother using cloth diapers

yeah some hippie shit going on over there it really was yeah i remember her using cloth diapers because i remember

in the 80s they had to yeah they were born in uh 76 and 77.

Whoa, that's so fucked up.

Yeah, it's not.

When you have the ability to just throw it out,

you're going to try to clean that.

It's nasty, right?

It's absolutely

shocking.

Erica Baron.

You lived in a time you didn't have to do that and you still chose to do it.

Did it anyway, yeah.

And you had to be your mom as a nurse, right?

She had to feel it was more beneficial.

Either more beneficial, or again, like it was probably cheaper.

It's probably cheaper than discussible dips.

are fucking...

I don't know.

Not frugal in any other way.

Like, I remember my mother being a huge spendthrift when we were older.

We spent a money we didn't have.

Deb, you're going fucking crazy.

I can't even imagine at any point when I, with my two kids, if Deb was like, yeah, we're going to start using cloth diapers.

I would have been like,

I'm out.

Well, it's so inconvenient when you're out, right?

Like, if you're home, if you're home, it's like not the biggest deal.

But like, yeah, you're out.

You're like, now what do I do with this cloth diaper with shit and piss in it don't throw it out don't throw it out yeah it's money right there that's money

that's please that's how we had all those pianos man the cloth diapers and the titty milk so all all the johnson children yeah yep and i can't say whether we're worse off or better off for it i don't know like i don't know do you like to do that act

in bed?

Suck on titties?

Yeah, I do.

I think you do, huh?

I do.

And I am a tit man.

I prefer tits over.

I think that's why.

I'm not really at all.

Yeah.

You're an ass.

You don't like sucking on titty?

Titties.

Yeah.

It's kind of just like,

I'd rather do other things.

It's all fun.

There's no wrong answers.

I'm also into cloth diapers, though.

Mary Beth is not crazy about it.

Does Neandis make a cloth diaper?

That would be great, wouldn't it?

Yeah, a giant adult micromodality.

I don't think it's called underwear.

Is that is your, you know, not to get too personal, but is your,

if you had gone, if you go to Marybeth and you're like, yeah, I think I want to start getting into like,

what is it when guys pretend they're babies with diaper play and shit and stuff like that.

Is she

open?

Like, hey, man, whatever my man wants, I'm going to do.

No judgments.

Or is it like,

I think there's a line.

I think there's a line.

That line is probably like, I just made a boom, boom.

And then she's like, but I don't even know.

Maybe not even that.

Cause she'd be like, oh, yeah, sure, you did.

Oh, my God.

You really did.

Clean me.

Clean me.

Yeah, I don't get that fucking

mental illness at all.

It's weird, isn't it?

Yeah, it's like there's some stuff you just can't get your head around, some sexual stuff.

And like, look, if that's what somebody's into, if they're into this kind of thing, oh, this is weird.

I mean, I'm not here to judge, right?

Not here to judge, and it's their own bedroom, like whatever.

It's fine.

It's fine.

But I cannot understand it.

Can't get my head around it.

I don't know what you're getting at.

I don't know what it does.

I guess they missed something, though, in their childhood that they're trying to find

this much later in life.

Just with a boner?

Yeah.

Maybe just like that, like complete helplessness and somebody else taking care of your every need.

You You don't have to worry about anything.

You don't got to worry about feeding yourself.

You don't got to worry about changing yourself, making your way to the toilet.

Hopefully we all get there.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, Mary Beth.

Mary Beth actually has this ahead of her.

I'm hoping that when we get to that age, like that 110, they have robots at that point.

Robot helpers?

Yeah, like at that point, like then, you know, all the shame of doing it to like a younger nurse will be gone.

It'll just be a robot.

Would you want a female nurse to do that stuff to you, Or would you rather have a male nurse now?

When you're older.

Oh.

I don't think it came.

I kind of feel like I'm aware.

I'd kind of rather know the answer now.

Well, no, I've just like shit all over my balls.

Clean me by when I did.

Boom, boom.

Yeah, I'd rather not be seen in that way.

But I think I could deal with a robot

doing it.

I mean, I think it's getting close.

I've seen some videos online of robots doing amazing shit.

Yeah.

I haven't seen them change a diaper yet, though.

But it's coming.

Yeah, they got to have the dexterity, you know,

to, you know, do and not hurt the baby while doing it, too.

Hurt baby children.

Or hurt the 110-year-old man.

Yeah.

Or woman.

But I think it's coming.

I think it's, it's, whoa, what is that?

A robotic diaper changer.

Robotic baby changer.

Oh.

We're getting there, guys.

We're getting there.

You got to be pretty brave to let the prototypes work on your baby, right?

Although we've let every fucking industry be taken over by

automation.

Right.

I think that's all left is healthcare.

So, and

so

we better be careful.

There'll be no jobs left for anybody in the future.

Yeah, maybe.

Even moms.

Yeah, you're right.

Maybe it's the thing of like

humans won't have to work.

It's just

a leisure society.

Well, we've seen that.

We've seen that in Wally, and we've seen how bad that happened.

Yeah, it didn't look like it ended up so good in Wally.

That's true.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

Would you rather live in WALL-E's future or the planet Apes?

Probably WALL-E,

I think, getting taken care of, and just being a little fat is a bigger problem than being hunted.

The trailer for a new one looks good, right?

Yeah, it does, but it still looks a little digy.

Yeah.

To me, it looks like a video game a lot of times.

Okay.

so but which you know again that's complaining about something that like we've gotten to the point now where

we

have these amazing special effects and things that we never dreamed we'd see on screen and it is and we've seen it so often we and that now that we're nitpicking even like oh it looks digy yeah i'm not happy it looks digi

it's just like come on like i i'm guilty of it i i am too i found myself being like this looks like a video game yeah but it's like we begged for shit like this.

When we were watching The Incredible Hulk with Lou Ferigno,

we were dying to see some fucking shit.

We begged for effects that would be like T2.

Yes.

And now that T2 came and went, yeah, like now you have shit that you're like, this is like stuff like the Lord of the Rings stuff.

You're just like, you can't believe that it looks the way it looks.

Great still, man.

Those movies are like 20 years old now.

You see The Trail for Deadpool and Wolverine?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I saw that.

It looks good, man.

Looks really good.

I think it's going to be a game changer.

Yeah, I think so.

I know some people who've seen some parts of it and they say it's fucking awesome.

But the trailer, I was like, fuck, man.

They know what I want.

They're giving it to me.

They hit it out of the park, it looks like.

Yeah, I really can't.

It's been a while since I've been

chomping at the bit to see a movie like this.

Comic book movie is very rare for me to want to see, but I saw that trailer and I was like, yeah, I got to see this.

Yeah, this looks cool.

It looks pretty awesome.

Deadpool Wolverine.

The old guy guy also says he used to go down after his wife died in 1992.

So 32 years ago she died.

He would go down to the firehouse from 3 to 5 and all the old guys would sit there and hang out and just talk.

He said volunteering with the engine company also helped him get his exercise in by responding to calls.

And then finally.

I can't even imagine if in my panic of my house is on fire and a fucking 110 year old fireman fucking shows up.

I wouldn't be look a gift horse in the mouth, but I would be like,

he's like, save the milk.

Do we have anybody like under 90?

Yeah, somebody who's not so old and withered up that they're going to fucking just

catch on fire.

This is what he says.

He keeps a positive mindset.

And sharing love has helped him live past a century.

Knowing people and loving people makes me live longer, he said.

I think that's

got to be the key.

Knowing and loving people?

That's the thing.

It's like you got to love them, though, too, though.

Not just know them.

With all their warts, you still got to love them.

Well, you know, stress, we know.

Look in either direction, Devon.

Literal warts.

Like they say, you know, stress is a killer.

So the absence of stress or the opposite of stress, like joy and love, have got to have a positive effect in the opposite direction, right?

On your physical health.

I would have to

think absolutely.

I would be be shocked if it didn't have

a good

outcome on your overall health to not have, but it's almost impossible to go through without any stress or anxiety, though, right?

I mean,

almost.

I think it is impossible, yeah.

Right, but it's it's nice when you can get a stretch where there is none.

And you go for a couple, like you go through a couple weeks or even,

dare I say, a month.

It's nice though.

I don't think that's ever happened.

Oh, I've had months.

I've had a couple months.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, with absolutely nothing on my mind.

Yeah.

I would love that.

That's pretty sweet.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Like, when you, Walt's going on a big trip this summer, do you think that'll be a stress-free, anxiety-free time?

Like, just don't have any of the responsibilities of telling Steve Dave or home or any of that stuff when you go on your trip this summer?

Or do you still think of it?

I think one of the things I think

is

if you're if you're a parent,

I don't think it's possible to go too long without stress or anxiety, not stress, but our anxiety.

It's just one of the what it's one of the major like

things like, oh, yeah, this comes, this is part of the deal, you know.

Is that you're always like a little bit older?

Yeah, that's never going to stop no matter what happens.

No matter how old they get.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, I'm the big trip.

I don't see any um

yeah, I don't see any stress.

Hopefully, where are you going?

I'm going to Minnesota.

What's in Minnesota?

Just the biggest fucking mall in America, bro.

Yeah.

Okay,

yeah, all right.

Yeah, and then I'm gonna, and then I think I'm gonna head over and see Mary Tyler Moore's statue.

Are you gonna go for it?

You're gonna go for it?

I'm gonna go for it.

How long is this trip?

It's gotta be 18 hours in a car.

No, I mean, how long is your vacation?

spent?

Probably, I'm guessing seven to eight days.

Seven to eight days, and you have a mall and a statue lined up?

What else is going on?

Why, you don't think there's, there's, we're going to have some free time?

Really?

After you go look at the statue for 10 minutes, what do you do with the rest of the day?

You go back to the mall.

Yeah.

You're not going to like that mall.

There's amusement parks in it.

There's like

I think that I'll be interested to see an amusement park in a mall.

Even if I don't go on any roller coaster, I'll still be able to appreciate the architecture.

It's really like

when I'm looking at it here, it's 19 hours,

nearly 1,300 miles.

It's not that much farther than driving down to Orlando, right?

I'm definitely going to see the statue up there.

I'm definitely, I know probably no one's done it, but I'm going to be the first one that's going to go up to the statue, take my hat off and throw it in the air.

Nice.

Anybody gets that joke?

You're old as hell.

You know how, like, statues that have

tits and dicks and stuff have the copper's always worn away on them

and stuff like that?

Like, is it disappointing to you if her tits are?

Well, I'm hoping that there's a fucking 24-hour guard that isn't allowing fucking

the statue of Mary Tyler Moore to be defaced like that or

wild.

Or like on her inner thigh, it's like really shiny and stuff.

Are you upset at that?

Yeah, I would be.

I'd be like, what the fuck?

What's going on out here?

We're fucking animals.

Wasn't she a beautiful woman though?

She was like a

that doesn't mean that she should be her

statue should be someone's fucking feel-up doll.

Why not?

Taxpayer dollars paid for that.

I just saw that on Reddit.

Like, literally, just saw that one.

Yeah, the one with the shiny boobs.

It's a Molly, Molly Malone statue.

Okay, oh, really?

How old is that statue?

Because there's no fucking way anybody made that today.

It's too cool.

Yeah, it is a pretty cool statue.

It's too fucking old.

Look at that guy.

Look at the big grin on his face.

So, who is Molly Malone and why are people grabbing her boobs?

Q is basically becoming old man, yells at the statue.

Statues used to have sex appeal back in the day.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, it's a good-looking statue.

It's shiny boobs.

Dude,

The Wall Street bull, his balls are like.

Oh, yeah.

The sun glints off them, right?

Yeah, it's not me.

It's everybody.

Everybody likes a nice pair of bull balls

or giant boobs on their statues.

Now, are you guys driving in the same car?

Are you taking separate cars?

Some car, huh?

Who's going?

Frank 5 and the Mrs.

The Cruise back together.

The squad.

Yep, yep.

The squad.

We're going.

We're going to hit the mall.

We want to stay in the mall.

sleep in the mall.

I could have sworn that I thought there was a hotel in the mall, which I'm like, what a fucking missed opportunity.

Yeah.

What a missed opportunity to fucking be able to sleep in the mall.

You've not been there before?

I've been there in 1995.

That was the last time I was there.

I'm a set of mall rats.

We took a day on one of the off days of the shoot.

Okay.

A whole bunch of people hopped in a car and we

went over to the.

That was his heyday.

I don't know if you're going to like it now.

I think the day of the Age of the Mall is coming to a close.

But I fear that if we don't go, you'll miss it.

Yeah, they're going to close the mall.

The Mall of America might close because of lack of interest.

I want to be there just one last time.

I get that.

I want to feel it up.

I get it.

I get it.

I went to see Barry Manilow the other night for the same reason.

He's in his 80s.

I'm like, I got to see this guy before he goes.

Really?

So I went.

He played Radio City.

So I went to the house.

I would have loved to to have gone to that.

Oh, shit.

I didn't know that, man.

I would have loved to have gone with you.

Mandy?

Oh, you know he did, Mandy.

Oh,

you're fucking.

It closed with Coba Pacabana, came out with a big fucking feather jacket on, came down.

Could this be magic?

Yes.

And

that's one of the songs I hid

my entire life that I loved.

Really?

I was embarrassed about it.

I used to sing it to my mom.

Oh, you would have fucking.

Yeah, I should have.

Really?

Hold on.

Remember, I told it on PPP.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Magic.

I forgot about that.

He did commercial jingles that he wrote.

I didn't realize that.

The Band-Aid one.

He's a fucking superstar.

Yeah, he is.

And when he comes out, he's moving slow.

Now, how he loosens up.

Oh, yeah.

And then by the third song, he's like, it's full-on Manilow.

I wonder how.

Now, how did you come to be like, I'm going to go see Barry Manilow?

I think I've said this before, like, any legends that come through New York, I want to see now.

Like, regardless of

you just heard on the radio, you saw Barry.

Barry Manilow, gotta go.

So Diana Ross recently saw

80, Barry Manila Lewis.

Yeah, 80.

Saw a share

packed.

Oh, he sold out five nights in a row, and they sold out within minutes.

Yeah.

Packed.

You had to buy a ticket, John.

You just couldn't call Barry's people?

I bought tickets.

I don't really know Barry's people.

I know people at Radio City, like Radio City and Madison Square Garden and a bunch of theaters around because you're owned by this one group that we do a lot of business with.

So I usually have no problem getting tickets, but some you just buy.

I find it strange.

I didn't hear anything.

Probably didn't have to advertise anything.

No advertise.

I didn't hear it.

And I'm stuck on terrestrial radio.

I told you I'm gone frugal.

And

I know more satellite radio.

So I'm listening to normal radio stations and nothing.

Nothing.

I wish I had known.

Well, if he comes around again.

I would be there.

He'd probably not, though.

Yeah.

Big gay audience.

I didn't realize that.

That's how I found out he was gay.

Really?

I didn't know Barry Mario was gay.

Really?

Wow.

Yeah,

I did not know that until last week.

I was like, oh, wow.

And it turns out he's married to a dude and all that.

I was like, I didn't know that.

Yeah.

I thought I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I mean, I was fine.

Yeah.

I didn't start backing towards the door or anything like that.

I was like, wow.

I was like, you really are.

You know, like when I went to Cher, I knew that.

Was it because, you know, the songs Mandy and you're singing about chicks?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

And I've never paid that much attention to Barry Manilo, so it wasn't like I was hip to his love life.

But, yeah, I was surprised one of the little people.

Did you have a picture of him in your locker in your high school?

No.

No.

That's what the guys used to do

when I went to high school.

They would put pictures of rock stars in their lockers.

Yeah.

Not me.

Like dudes?

Dudes, yeah.

Dudes.

I did that.

I know you did.

Yeah, I did.

Bear-chested dudes.

Andy Rhodes.

Yeah, or Andy Rhodes and Ozzy and like the house from Psycho and like all like stuff I would cut out of magazines and shit.

And I remember Mike Sebillia giving me a very hard time because it was only guys.

It was only rock stars that had.

Why don't you go home and play the piano?

Yeah.

I was like,

go change your brother's diaper.

But yeah, he was like,

why don't you put Pat Benatar up there or something?

Like, really upset with me about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

He didn't want to be associated with you.

He would only put pictures of shirtless Ozzy.

It was weird.

Or Robert planned from Zeppelin with like his shirt button down to his belly button and shit.

Yeah, you're right.

In retrospect, I had it coming.

You sure did.

I almost want to fucking take shots of you now.

Man, on my locker,

I had a magazine, like a hit parader or a circus magazine.

And

I took the pictures out that I want.

I took the kiss and Molly Crue and I gave the magazine to Brian.

And I was like, you can use any of those pictures if you want for your locker.

And he's like, eh, I don't see any pictures.

If Bozzy got a shirt on, I'm good.

I mean, here's a couple of them shirts, but you know,

that's not locker worthy.

That's not rock and roll.

We saw an event.

We saw a concert.

What did you say?

Oh, wait, H.

Freely, right?

Yeah.

How was it?

I was completely happy and just like very pleased with the concert going experience.

And who's got to be painted me this picture?

Chuck.

Chuck, all right.

Good time.

Brian, good time.

Brian Rupert, who supplied the tickets as a Christmas gift.

What a sweet guy.

Yeah, it was.

It was very, very sweet, very kind, and had a great time.

And Ace.

No get him.

No, no, get him.

No get him.

He's not into Ace Fairly.

He's not into Kiss.

Night Out with Pals, though.

He didn't want to pose like MBO poser.

I would have come to that.

I wasn't in town, but I would have come to that.

His voice sounded pretty good.

I mean, it's good as fairly his voice was never a super strong voice, but he sounded like

himself, though.

I think a lot of people at that age may not sound like their old selves.

Sure.

I think he did, though.

And I had a good time.

Do New York Groove?

I think that was the opening song, wasn't it?

Oh, opening and closing, right?

Opening it pretty early on.

It was just New York Groove for 65 minutes.

A lot of old timers.

Yeah.

Not a lot of newly minted fans.

But we did see some like children.

Like, I mean, I'm talking children, like, like six, seven years old with their parents.

I don't know.

I don't know if I would, like, if I had a kid who, like, the shit that that Sage is into, never.

No.

Yeah, it's just garbage music.

Or popular stuff.

Like, she's into, like, Taylor Swift and all that kind of.

Oh, I don't know.

Didn't you tell, speaking of Taylor Swift, didn't you tell Q about to be on the lookout in case he mentions Taylor Swift because no one's allowed to to critique the album in classical professional

reviewers.

Yeah, Walt and I were talking about this.

I read that

Swifties are going after reviewers, like people who review Taylor Swift's album in any sort of negative fashion, anything other than positive, and they'll go after them.

They'll flood their inboxes, they'll dox them,

just for not liking an album.

Just for not liking an album.

To write something negative about, it's as if they wrote it about the fans themselves.

Wow.

So be careful when you're out there addressing Swifties.

You don't want to be like, oh, Taylor Swift.

I love Taylor.

You know, I'm a Swift.

I'm not worried about that.

You don't have to worry about that, man.

I got a bad to say about her.

I love that woman.

I love everything about her.

Walt did have a BQ's no dope.

Yeah.

I'm always on the right side of history.

As soon as I figured out what everybody else thinks the right side of history is, I'm right on that side.

Yeah.

I found it shocking, though, that like, you know, the press could be intimidated

by a fan base of a pop singer to not be truthful in their reporting.

I found that to be kind of like shocking and disappointing because I felt that that was the last

the press was like it.

That's the it, that's all that stands between, you know, truth and I mean, didn't somebody write

a review for we talked about it, like that Pixar movie Turning Red, where a guy was like, this movie's not for me.

I fucking couldn't stand it.

It was too loud.

And like he had to write an apology.

You remember this?

We talked about it on the show.

I don't remember this at all.

How many years ago was this?

Turning Red was the pandemic that came through, came on.

And the guy wrote, the guy wrote a,

I'm trying to remember the story.

We talked about it.

It was, he was a middle-aged white dude.

He wrote a review for Pixar's Turning Red.

He said that it was too frantic or something.

I don't remember what.

He goes, It's not for me.

I didn't like this movie.

And then fucking all hell broke loose.

People like, get him fired.

We want him off his job.

Why is a white guy reviewing a movie for Asian kids?

And this is why white people shouldn't be doing reviews.

And he had to retract it and issue an apology for giving a review of the movie.

So we're already there.

This shit's been going on already.

Taylor Swift, I would think, is

you wouldn't

think that you would have to be tiptoe

around her.

I mean, she's I don't think she cares at all.

Oh, you don't think she uh kind of like doesn't she she kind of knowingly winks and the swifties kind of like shrugs her shoulders and is like hey, what are you gonna do?

I think she does exactly that.

Exactly that.

What are you gonna do?

She wouldn't

have it.

You wouldn't think that uh, that was kind of cowardly of the press to kind of cave to her fan base?

I think we're already there.

I'm not shocked by that at all.

This fucking movie, turning red.

I don't know.

I was kind of disappointed that

they felt that they couldn't be honest about the review and for fear of people who weren't.

I mean, the papers feel like they can't be honest about a lot of shit.

I think the papers feel like they can't be honest about a lot of shit, right?

That's why we never get the real news.

I didn't hear that.

I think papers feel that they can't be honest about a lot of shit.

Not just movie reviews.

Well, that's all I care about.

The movie reviews?

Here, here.

This is a guy, Sean O'Connor.

O'Connell.

I'm genuinely sorry for my turning red review, O'Connell wrote.

Thank you to everyone.

All right, thanks, Get him.

It's just in the middle of reading it.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out with criticism, no matter how harsh.

Thank you, he's saying to the fucking people who went after him.

It is clear that I didn't gauge enough, nearly enough, with the movie, nor did I explain my point of view at all.

So look at that.

That's sad.

Jeez, this poor daddy.

That's fucking sad, man.

But who was outrageous?

Outraged?

Asian people?

I don't know.

Or just people in general.

Asian people, you don't really see him getting that outrageous.

Yeah, not really.

Hmm.

I don't know.

Sad.

It is sad.

But what are you going to do?

Shut your mouth.

You shut your mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Go buy the fucking new Taylor Swift office.

That's it.

Volume list didn't fucking like it.

I heard her say something that she was like, like, she was talking about how it's nice to

watch her boyfriend

play Xbox with his friends while she reads Aristotle.

And I was like, that's kind of taking a shot at him, isn't it?

Like, he's just like a dopey sports guy.

But she's an educated woman who reads Aristotle.

And who the fuck reads Aristotle for fun?

Get the fuck out of here.

What was Aristotle?

Is that some sort of Greek poet?

He was a Greek philosopher, yeah.

Like one of the most famous.

What are some of his most famous?

get him.

Let's pull up some Aristotle force.

I mean, look, maybe the reason, Brian, that we aren't,

you know, human, humanity-encompassing fucking megastars, probably the highest-paid entertainer of all time, maybe

because we don't read Aristotle.

Maybe the reason she is who she is is because she is fucking playing.

She's out there cracking the books.

She's reading Aristotle.

I'm sitting there fucking dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

I haven't got any more

Let's smoke.

Gay joke, gay joke, gay joke.

I want to come to that party.

I just, that was that party.

That was me and you.

That's true.

Can you pull up some Aristotle's hits?

His biggest.

But I think one of the ones I saw there is a friend to all is a friend to none.

And that guy who wrote that turning red review could learn that.

You can't be everybody's friend.

That's your opinion.

That's what you wrote.

That's how you felt.

And now you're going to turn heel because a bunch of people were like, you're a jerk.

You can't even write a movie review.

You can't even write a movie review without somebody trying to get you to lose your job.

It's fucking phenomenal.

I disagree.

Therefore, you don't deserve to exist.

It's insanity.

I think it's changing a little bit.

You don't think the pendulum's swinging?

A little bit, I think.

A little bit.

I think people are like, oh, fucking, I'm tired.

I don't want to deal with this anymore.

What year was this man alive?

In the 60s?

He's like ancient.

No, he's like ancient.

Maybe like the.

Oh, it's you're talking like fucking BC and shit.

Yeah, oh, for sure, B.C.

Because some of these are fucking way too

pithy and on the money to have been written by a caveman

through discipline.

Well, I don't think the ancient

Greeks were.

They were fucking walking around in fucking cloth diapers, weren't they?

Well, togas, yeah.

Pretty sexy look.

He was

322 B.C.

I'm really kind of

brush up on my history.

I can't imagine anybody from that era ever writing such eloquent

to perceive is to suffer.

I think most of the things that we take on board today as established wisdom is from back then.

You're kidding me.

No.

I thought it was all like they're fucking dead by their age of 20 and

they got worried about running from saber-toothed tigers and shit.

Oh, no.

No.

No.

What?

Did you ever see Bill and Ted?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So crates, they got him from back around that same era.

Did they they live around the same era?

Happiness is activity.

How did he know?

He said there was nothing else to do, so he sat around thinking up all these thoughts.

Yeah, they didn't have anything to do.

Not Socrates.

Socrates.

So Crates.

So

have we forgotten the teachings of Aristotle and his

not Taylor Swift hasn't.

She's up on them all.

I'm fucking hip to it now.

Now I'm like, I'm going to be on Aristotle kick like fucking Kojak, and it might not cost me 50 bucks.

What was that?

What was that last quote?

Hope is the death of what, get him?

Hope is the death of a waking man.

Hope is the dream of a waking man.

Sorry.

Hope is the dream of a waking man.

It makes sense.

I've got to think up some thoughts and write them down, man.

Write them down.

They're probably all been written down already, though, right?

Maybe find something new.

How deep is that one?

To perceive is to suffer.

Fuck.

It's so true.

It's like, yeah, if you were just a fucking

ignorant dope

who doesn't perceive anything.

Well, somebody ripped him off and said ignorance is bliss.

Somebody said that.

And somebody else said, not for the rest of us.

Right.

Yeah, wow.

Look at the 60 quotes by Aristotle, 44 quotes by Aristotle.

He had all kinds of quotes.

I don't know if anybody's ever quoted me.

Do Bitter?

Do Bitter.

It was almost a bumper sticker.

It was almost a bumper sticker.

It was.

Somebody sent me a Do Bitter Bumper sticker.

Excellence is never an accident.

That sounds like something Tom Brady would say.

Yeah.

Well, I bet you Tom Brady has read some Aristotle.

For sure, man.

Yeah, but has Aristotle ever fucking thrown a football?

Nope.

No, he hasn't.

And if he did,

he didn't win a ring for it.

He He wins seven rings for it.

Yeah.

That's so funny because you could say that about like anything.

It's so funny.

I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one will ever look at us as philosophers.

Or maybe

what if like thousands of years from now they uncover the archive and they're like, damn, these guys were onto some stuff.

Yeah.

Like, holy shit.

Look at these.

Look at these guys.

Like they find the hard drive with all the episodes on it.

Q Astotto.

Yeah.

Suddenly they're just like, oh man, these guys are wisdom.

And they build whole societies around us.

Now you're talking.

Statues with big tits everywhere.

Oh, yeah.

Our balls are shiny as hell.

Everybody's rubbing them.

That's the dream.

That is get a statue and have some shiny balls.

Oh, man.

I mean, tell it for Stephen David.

Yeah.

I would.

I would.

Oh, come on.

I was going to be.

That was a really good one.

Well, you got some fun.

I got some math.

let me read them talk something uh when we're gonna went out with that kind of grace and dignity

and we're gonna fucking ruin it by fucking trying to shove fucking

funny you should mention that

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I wanted to, if I could, just give a little ad for an aunt.

Sure.

If that's all right.

It's for Tony Starkant, the guy who

fixed my robot.

I got to meet him in Chicago.

He doesn't change diapers now.

He doesn't.

He's got a badass accent.

The robot doesn't.

He doesn't.

He's got a fucking badass accent.

The robot does?

No, the robot guy.

Oh, the robot guy.

Utkan is his name.

He's from Turkey.

And he told me he's got a YouTube channel that I've been watching obsessively

called Master of None on, not YouTube.

Oh, he's probably on YouTube.

Instagram.

And he used to do these

videos of him fixing things and giving explanations on how to do it and stuff like that.

And he says, because of his accent, people were turning on him.

They were like, he was getting racism and hate for his accent.

I mean, he sounds like a Bond villain.

I was going to say, what did they think he was versus?

I think they think he was Russian.

And they were like, you're a fucking monster.

You're a piece of shit.

So he says, now he does videos without speaking in them because

he's afraid of the hate that he was getting.

Really?

And we can't have that, man.

No.

Like this guy, so I wanted to direct as many people as possible.

If you're an aunt, if you want to support an aunt,

go to Instagram, MasterNun, great guy.

And I just can't stand such a nice guy

getting that sort of hate, you know?

An aunt.

No, I agree.

He's only trying to help people.

Absolutely, yes.

He's out there rebuilding robots.

Yeah.

Making people's dreams come true.

Oh, my dream for sure.

But

his whole YouTube, like all this stuff is just him fixing shit.

It's fascinating to watch.

So I just wanted to push people his name.

Hey, what's the name of the station?

Masterofnun.tv is his website.

And I guess that's his Instagram handle as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Click on his web link.

Let's see what we got there.

Let's see where we're going with this.

So he's got a whole website, Master of None TV.

Anyway, great, great dude.

And I just wanted to give him a little bump because he, dude, he showed up, four-colored demon shirt.

He felt like he knew everything.

He wanted to say hi to you guys.

I was super excited.

Like, loves, loves Delhi Steve Dave.

Oh, awesome.

Yeah, so I figured I just wanted to throw a little love his way.

Handy guy, it looks like.

Yeah.

Even

his logo is made out of like compasses and rulers and hammers and

how to cut laminate countertop.

Look at him.

I know.

This is what I'm talking about.

This fucking guy.

Look at him.

So he can help you out if you have any problems, I'm sure.

You know, the ant community.

I'd love to get him on the show one time.

I'm really like.

Where's he out of?

He's Chicago.

I met him in Chicago.

Okay.

Yeah.

Super nice guy.

And the accent alone is enough to get you hate, huh?

Because I get some hate on YouTube videos.

Never about my accent.

Yeah,

just the stuff you're saying.

Yeah, just the stuff I'm saying, or just me in general, people don't particularly come into.

Well, you shouldn't have fucking.

I don't know why you decided to review Turning Red.

I don't know what made you do it.

I was like, finally, a review with balls.

Do we know what episode number this is?

This will be 95, so 595.

Okay.

I do want to, I do, like, you know, for those who care,

big announcement after episode 600.

Yeah,

me and Giddam have started to have something that we cannot wait to announce once he's allowed to come back on.

Well, we know he's going to be allowed.

What if he loses the trial?

I got plenty of faith in Johnny Law.

Yeah.

Johnny Law is, you know,

he's on the case.

He's on the case.

Pride goeth before the fall, though.

Oh, Aristotle.

I put all my marbles in Johnny Law's basket.

Yeah.

What are you going to do if he loses the trial?

Fix it.

I mean,

we know who the judges are.

They're morally flexible.

Gotcha.

All right.

All right.

Understood.

Understood.

Yeah.

But that'll be on episode 601.

Okay, great.

I'm excited.

All right.

What else is going on?

Anything?

No, May 5th is coming quick.

I'm at Radio City.

If you guys want to come, let me know.

I'll set you up with ticks.

If not.

I don't want to ask you.

I feel like you're on your home turf, so

like so many people must harass you.

Yeah, but

you guys are tier one, man.

Tier one.

Yeah.

It's the only place in life I'm tier one.

Yeah, if you guys want to go, please.

All right.

Yeah.

And then on May 5th, Joe DeRose is opening for us.

Oh, is he?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

It's May 5th, Radio City, 5 p.m.

We'll be out of there by 7-ish or so, 7:30.

Party time.

Nice early show.

And then the party.

Yeah.

All right.

I can see Waltz in.

Yeah.

You should hear Eddie Murphy right now singing that song.

Yeah, my girl.

Yeah, so May 5th.

Yeah, come hang out.

All right.

Nothing else going on?

I've got nothing else going until May 5th.

See, it would have been fucking oh, okay, yeah.

If you're in the Adam Ant tier and you haven't voted for your ring size, please

do so or else you're just going to get a random sized ring.

We're doing rings as one of the Patreon gifts, and I need sizes desperately.

People just won't offer their sizes up?

Well, I don't I think a lot of the like they send out a poll to to get the sizes for shirts or what anything that needs sized sized um information and i think the emails may go to junk mail

and i i think that's why we have struggled so often trying to get sized uh merchandise uh locked down

and this would have been great hung up with i mean it's going to fucking be really lame if i do teleth steve davith again you know

well let's just read another aristotle quote

it just doesn't work as good after the aristotle

i don't think i have anything else though

Oh, Reddit, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Reddit should be ashamed of themselves.

I read an article last week about furries.

About a very tongue-in-cheek

article about furries taking over this Utah school.

Furries are taking over Utah school.

Right.

Like kids who wear animal ears and dresses like dogs and act as cats and dogs.

I thought it was amusing.

And the school is like, it's not true.

It's not true.

Like the internet is spreading this rumor, which which I thought was funny.

Responding to your you?

No, no, no, this is just in general, which I thought was funny.

But from my uh, my inside, I don't go to Reddit, but my inside Reddit source tells me that uh, people were mad that I was outraged at this, and uh, I should be madder about school shootings than furries in schools.

And I'm just like, I'm not,

do I constantly come off as angry?

I thought I had like left that in the in the rear view where like I'm not outraged by shit.

I, you have to believe me, Reddit.

I don't care about most shit.

I care about almost nothing.

So, furries in a a Utah school certainly isn't one of the subjects that I really care about.

And then I put on Twitter, I put on a

little

piece of video of like a furry kid chasing another kid through a schoolyard.

It looks so processed and staged.

And I put it up there as proof.

And people still are like, oh, yeah, right.

Oh, they thought you were serious?

They think I'm some people still think I'm serious.

Yeah.

You can't help people like that.

Yeah.

I'm just like, get a fucking grip, Reddit.

Wow.

Also, like,

who the hell wants to hear you talk about school shootings?

Any of us, not you.

Isn't furries a funnier thing to talk about?

Way better thing to talk about.

I mean, do we need to fucking sit here and tell you that we don't like the idea of school shootings?

Or can we just fucking take it on board?

Everybody, like, assumes it's not a great thing.

It's so fucking funny, man.

Like,

nobody, people just don't trust other people to just, like, make fucking decisions without having a handheld on everything.

It's like, oh, if the fucking,

enough.

This traffic's really got me wound up, both.

Now I'm thinking about the traffic on the way home.

Here you go.

Now Ginnim is showing us on Instagram.

That's the footage that I put up.

The little kid hopping on.

Those aren't furries in the way that we always think about it.

It's like perverts rubbing against each other in a room or the shining or something like that.

This is just kids wearing...

crawling around on hands and knees.

And even if it were true, even if furries had overtaken this Utah school, why would I give a fuck?

Why would I give it a outrage for that?

It would be funny.

Yeah.

It'd be amazing.

I'd be like, this just goes to show.

You can't give him an inch, or next thing you know, you got a school full of furries.

But that's assuming the school full of furries is a bad thing.

I think it's a great thing.

Yeah.

Look at that guy dressing up.

He's dressed like a hawk or something.

Or a bird.

I think it's great.

They're crawling around on hands and knees.

Yeah.

I mean, look, look, when you're young, I couldn't do that.

Could you do what they're doing right now?

No, fuck.

No way.

Fuck no.

So you might as well do it.

Look, she's hopping like a frog.

This is funny because a frog isn't furry.

But a lot of these people are just wearing masks and gloves with paws, which that guy's the best of the hawk.

The guy, the hawk guy, yeah.

Yeah.

So, Reddy, you can be pissed at me for other things, maybe, but not the furry deal.

Sorry.

You know what?

I'm going to go review Turning Red and give it a shit review so you can get mad at that instead.

Dude, would you...

Would you do me a favor?

Would you watch Turning Red and let me know what you think?

I will.

You will you?

Yeah, I will.

Oh, I'm super excited.

I'll watch it too.

All right.

Yeah.

All right, great.

I love it.

Oh, Oh, boy.

Furries.

I wonder if I can get into that.

Furry stuff?

Not me dressed as an animal.

I wonder if, like, a chick as a sexy cat.

Yeah, like a fox.

Oh.

Foxy foxy cat.

A foxy lady.

Starts cleaning herself.

Leg up in the air.

All right.

Now we're getting it.

Well,

you get a call from, you know, obviously back in the day that

the kids

in school are dressing like foxes and crawling around and leapfrogging each other and acting like furries.

Are you concerned at all?

Or are you like, nah, it's just kids being kids?

Am I in school, you mean?

No, you're kids.

Oh, I would be fascinated by it.

I'd be like, what?

Yeah.

And they're like,

yeah.

We found an owl mask in one of your daughters' lockers.

It's like a fucking Zubalee Zoo up in the.

all right.

So that's it.

Try it, Walt.

See if you can.

I'll try.

Try it now, you mean?

Oh, tell it.

Oh, teleth Stephen Davith.

It wasn't as good as the first time.

Hit the first time.

You had underwear to fucking hawk.

Don't forget about Blue Chew.

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