#568: Days of our Lives

I like the Avengers, everyone.

Check out my shirt.

That's how you know.

Fucking sea level reality show fucking piece of shit smiling like you fucking mad at me.

Oh, it's not enough.

Take off the fucking Kermit socks, bro.

Like, I shouldn't be seeing your socks anyway.

The fuck's up with that?

All right.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I almost couldn't get that out.

I'm so rusty.

It's been some time now.

Apologies all around.

Apologies for the last episode where I put out an abridged episode.

I was going to take out a few key things that I said, but when I went back and re-listened to it,

it was ugly.

It was ugly.

People are like, is it going to be on Patreon?

No, it is not.

It is not.

And it was mostly, it was, in fact, not mostly.

It was all about the Johnson family.

I was very upset about something that was going on within the Johnson family, so I said some unkind and unseemly things about some family members, yeah, but well-deserved.

I don't know.

I thought so, I thought so too, but uh, it's not the kind of thing once I listened back, I was like, Why didn't they stop me?

What's the matter with them

because we can't get canceled if you just bag on your family?

We don't give a fuck.

We'd rather have you bagging on your family than anybody else.

That's true.

Yeah, I could be like, Yeah, I didn't have to throw any defensive qualifying statements in it at all.

I was like, oh, he could tee off.

Yeah, don't worry, bro.

Let him loose.

Get him off the leash.

Get it all out.

I can subtly lash shit in there.

I'm like, Edgar's such a shitty president.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you say?

Yeah, so that's the reason.

And then these last couple of weeks have been something else for all three of us.

It's been terrible.

It has not been a fun time all around.

We didn't get to do the Labor Day barbecue, which sucks.

I was coming.

IRSVP.

Q RSVP.

Q was there.

At a certain point, I had to call it because Mary Beth was not getting better.

She got COVID.

The day after, this is why I'm an asshole.

And then I'll tell you why I'm not an asshole in a second.

Because I heard somewhere, I can't remember, it was like, yeah, there's a late summer COVID wave coming.

I'm like, these cocksuckers are trying to fucking scare us again with this shit.

What the fuck?

The next day, Mary Beth has it.

Eric has it.

My cousin Tommy has it.

So many people have it.

Everybody Everybody has it.

Yeah.

And then I got it like very lightly, at least the test said I had it for like two days.

Just coughing and some sneezing and shit.

But like the, after those two days, I was totally fine.

But it was the getting the place ready.

We were ready on Saturday.

She was still tired.

And like, I don't know if she should have been.

Like, she probably would have had to bail earlier than we normally do to go to bed and leave everybody there.

But

she wasn't doing well until like this past Monday or Tuesday.

Oh, man.

And one of the things

I felt Walt would probably come.

You know, he didn't confirm it or anything, but I'm like, you know, everybody's there.

Walt's around.

He'll probably come.

So I went and I bought these

corners, this cornhole set, a $200 cornhole set.

Because

I'm like, Walt likes connection.

Where the fuck should you buy that?

$200 cornhole.

Why don't you just buy the cheapest cornhole set?

It was one of the cheapest ones.

Really?

I was thinking to get him.

It has LEDs on it and shit.

Like, you know, if you're playing in the dusty.

You thought we were going to be playing until the wee hours of the night?

I thought it was going to be like two in the morning and we're still going to be going strong.

But yeah,

then I tried to return it.

And they're like, well, this is one of those Amazon things that isn't free to return.

So it would be more expensive to fucking return it than to keep it.

And Mary Beth's like, just keep it.

We'll have it for the next time.

She's not wrong.

No, she's not wrong.

You have a nice yard for Cornhole.

There's some good cornhole and spots, I feel, in that yard.

And the reason I'm not an asshole is because

I rarely, rarely go on the internet anymore.

I hardly ever look at the news, but I did happen to

glimpse something that said,

masks did nothing.

It's now proven.

So

anybody who left Patreon, Fauci took a lot of shit for this.

Yeah, it was proven that the masks did absolutely nothing.

Zero.

Zero.

It did zero.

How could that be?

I got to see this from the surface.

It makes no sense.

Why do doctors wear masks then and nurses wear masks?

I think because you're talking about a person with an open, like, you know, like an open chest or something, or like an operation where like, you know, germs can get in into your chest cavity or whatever.

I don't know.

But

from what I read and the things that I saw,

maybe those people who hated me and canceled Patreon because I said masks were dumb, you guys can come on back now.

But what if they just came back for this episode and they're like, motherfucker, are you still going on about masks?

I'm not even going on.

I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

I told you I was an asshole about the late summer COVID wave.

But it still doesn't make sense, though, because why are medical personnel wearing masks if it doesn't work work then?

Because

if it could go through the mask, it could go into an open warming.

It could go into the open chest, though.

Yeah, but I don't understand.

Like, if you're talking

and a piece of liquid flies off your lip into my fucking mouth, which happens all the time, and you have COVID, can't I get COVID that way?

So then if the mask stops that globule from flying into my face,

doesn't that do it?

Because I think the germ is so small it goes through the fibers of my face.

Given a liquid that was shooting into my mouth as the carrier.

Who are you talking to?

So closely.

Oh, you guys.

I'm so happy for you guys that you don't have that experience of someone just blabbering and shit flying at your face.

I'm really very pleased that you guys, but I don't know.

We're at the height of our popularity.

I don't think I ever have it.

But yeah, anyway,

I don't know.

I'll do the research on that one.

We'll see.

So then, so then even before the COVID,

my doctor, I don't know, I think I need to find a new doctor.

He dresses like a Muppet.

Like he's got Kermit socks.

He's got a Cookie Monster watch.

He's got Grover fucking.

Are you going to do it?

Are you going to a pediatrician's doctor?

It's a family doctor.

I walked in the, that's what I thought.

It says family doctor.

I felt like I deserved it.

It says family practice.

So I'm like, all right, family.

That's for everybody.

But then the doctor, he's like this little guy dressed up like Patch Adams and shit.

But then the next time I went in, it's all old people, people even older and more decrepit.

But he will see children, though.

He will see children.

I'm not

sure.

What do you want to do?

Get into his, you know, like his dockers and his.

Oh, throw a scrub on or something, man.

Like, how am I supposed to take you seriously?

I know you went to medical school.

I know you did something I would never be able to do in 100 lifetimes.

Isn't that enough to diploma on the

fucking Kermit socks, bro?

Like, I shouldn't be seeing your socks anyway.

The fuck's up with that?

All right.

But anyway, he did me no.

You've always had a problem with this because I remember working in the View Skew office and you going on like a very similar, I don't want to say rant because it wasn't a rant, but about grown adults who wear Disney clothes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Like, he was

going back 20 years, and he'd be like, you're getting too much.

Why is that guy wearing a goofy shirt?

Well, you get until you're 10 and then after you're 60.

Because then nobody gives a fuck about you at either age range.

Yeah.

But once you hit 10 and then you're up and you're like, right now, if you saw me wearing a fucking goofy shirt.

10's too old.

No, no, 10 is good.

10's the cut.

11's too old.

11's too old.

Wow.

It's 2020.

You're an adult in Brian Johnson World.

In Johnson World, you're an adult at 11?

As far as Disney goes, yes.

Working in the mines.

Get that kid in there.

Yeah, if you're going to pull my weeds and rake my leaves and shit, then yeah, you're an adult.

Or wearing Disney shit.

Those two.

Why not comic book stuff?

Or do you feel that way about comic book stuff, too?

So anyway, I go to the doctor.

No, Waltz has these fucking awesome comic book shirts that he custom makes himself.

So, it's not the same fucking bullshit that you see everywhere.

You know, you made that you're never going to see another devil dinosaur shirt.

This is, I didn't make this.

I mean, I made the shirt, but this is Jack Kirby artwork.

Yeah, but I mean, they don't sell it.

Yeah, this is not a mass-produced shirt.

This is like a devil dinosaur, it's not something that they would make.

I like the Avengers, everyone.

Check out my shirt.

That's how you know.

I'm not sure.

I don't want to wear.

I like Superman.

I'm not that much of a jerk-off, but I kind of agree with that.

I can walk into Kohl's and get the Captain America, the Spider-Man show, but I want the Devil Dinosaur because I want to be like,

I know more about comics than you.

You're a poser.

I'm not.

You know, Devil Dinosaur has a show

on Disney Plus.

Devil Dinosaur has a show on Disney Plus.

A cartoon?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't count that.

Don't count.

And it's Moonboy.

This is Moonboy.

OG.

Is that Moonboy on his head?

So he's like a monkey?

Yeah, he's like a caveboy.

So they changed Moonboy into Moon Girl for the updated cartoon?

Yeah, but she's like a

girl.

She's like a genius teenage girl.

Aren't they all?

Aren't they all?

Everyone read Richards was the number one smartest guy.

Now every single teenager is the number one smartest person in the Marvel University.

And they're all smarter than Richards, smarter than Hank Penn.

And Sassy.

Sassy?

Woo!

They got quips.

Why a comic stein?

I don't know.

Got me.

I got to say, I watched this show, Only Murders in the Building, which I'm on season three.

Have you watched any of it?

I've watched the first two seasons, yeah.

Third season has Paul Rudd in it.

Yeah.

He's like playing a dickhead, right?

He's fucking good.

Yeah.

I'm like, I'm in love with this guy.

Yeah.

He's so good in it.

Is he like, he's like a dick in it?

He's like kind of a real asshole.

Yeah, yeah.

A total asshole.

Well, he wasn't assassinated.

Ben Glenroy, his name, his character name is.

There's Selena Gomez, who's the young girl, and then you have Steve Martin and Martin Short, who are the old guys.

She's constantly outthinking them at every turn.

Yeah.

But it's great.

It works.

She makes them look like assholes constantly, and it's really funny.

She fucking works.

And she's a good actress, too, man.

I didn't know.

I thought she was just a singer.

I didn't know she was.

I knew she was on some Disney show.

No, she's fucking kidding me.

She's really swimming with

the big fucking guns, and she's just pulling it off.

Dude, she's in scenes with Meryl Streep and shit.

Like, she's really doing it.

There's a scene in, I think I showed you this.

I think in maybe season two where Martin Schwartz goes to throw something out in a garbage can, and he walks from his car to the garbage can at Central Park and then throws it out and walks back to his car.

But it was like evidence or something like that or whatever.

So he was nervous.

And he did.

Just walking, throwing something out and coming back.

He did five separate things that were fucking hysterical.

And you're like, they just don't make them like that anymore.

Yeah, they don't.

Yeah, we sit there and I constantly rewind.

Mary Beth's like, come on.

I rewind.

I'm like, look at his face here.

Look at his eyes here.

Like, like, just those little tiny mannerisms.

You're like, they're so fucking.

And it's not like they're spring chickens here.

These are like 80-year-old guys.

Like in their mid to late 70s.

Yeah.

Oh, they're awesome.

It really is impressive that show.

I enjoy it quite a bit.

Yeah.

So anyway, my original point with the doctor was I went and he didn't really diagnose me with anything.

So I went online like Gidham does.

I figured it out.

I'm like 99% sure I have sciatica, which is unfucking pleasant.

And if you have any

remedies aside from stretching and shit, especially, do you have pot?

Can I use pot?

I have been taking CBD though, not pop, but CBD, because I'm so desperate to try to kill this pain at night.

Like at night, it's the worst.

Like, when I get up from, we're going to sit here, you know, however long we sit here, when I get up, my knee will be all fucking stiff and shit, and I'll have to like loosen it up, but like, I'll be okay until I go to bed, and then it's, you're fucked.

It's tossing and turning all night.

The pain is unbelievable.

Oh, No, I don't leave stretching now.

No, I'm going to do the stretching, but like in addition to if there's any other things.

Like you were saying, like, don't suggest stretching.

It's not all.

No, stretching actually works quite well, but I'm thinking more nightwear.

Is it in your back and your thigh?

It's like, it starts like right in my hip, like the top of my ass cheek and runs down to my right knee.

It's like all right in there, and I think it's like some kind of pinched nerve or something.

I think there's like this copper leg band that I saw on TV

that says it works if you wear the the copper.

Sounds like a podcast from a retirement community.

Dude, you don't want to know.

I ordered a cane.

We're going to see a Rob Zombie show in two days.

I have hearing protection.

I got my cane just in case.

I have a folding cane just in case.

Like when I was it, an awesome one?

Like when a vampire would be walking through New Orleans?

Did it have a wolf's head on it?

Yeah, like

a knife or anything.

No, nothing like that.

From Amazon, it was $9.97.

It's black.

You're cutting tennis balls in a half.

Oh, yeah.

Mary Beth doesn't like the noise it makes on the floor.

It scuffs.

Oh, it keeps her awake at night.

Yeah.

It's too much.

It's too much for one person.

I was sick, too.

I'm still getting over it.

I thought I had COVID, but I took like test after test.

It kept up coming up negative.

But then Tom

Milazowski?

Milazowski?

He always says I pronounce it wrong.

Sorry, Tom.

Tom Malewski?

He said that the tests are 40%

accurate.

Oh, yeah.

40%?

Yeah, so that means four out of 10 times are right.

So just guessing which is 50-50 is actually more.

So

I had such

fucking major congestion in my chest.

It's finally going away, but.

Jesus Christ, boys.

I know.

Got to get you guys out in the sun.

I've been out in the sun.

Yeah, I've been out in the sun, but it doesn't help with the chest congestion, apparently.

We've got to bring them to the mountains, you know, like how they used to have the sanitariums and shit, you know.

Or send them out west like Doc Holiday.

Send them out to two miles.

Oh, your normalities?

Yeah.

Lock on wood?

Nothing.

I have nothing bad to report.

I actually haven't

been in a couple weeks.

What do you mean?

I went to call you the other day, but your phone was in the middle of the road.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

You threw your phone into the middle of the road.

Oh, fuck.

listen to this he had the best I don't know if you'll say it again but he had the best description of when he tried to pick it up like off the ground I don't remember what I said but he said it was like trying to pick up liquid yeah that's that's what I was yeah it was uh it was I was on my motorcycle again

and uh yeah like I do have incident-free rides I really do but I'm an idiot it's totally my fault like like forget why it happened and how it happened.

My phone fell off my motorcycle on the Stanley Expressway.

When I got home, I realized I was home.

And so I looked for the location services, and it's like, motherfucker, it's at the fucking exit of

Bradley Avenue in Staten Island.

And I'm like, motherfucker.

So I go back and I'm like, maybe it's on the side of the road.

Maybe.

Well,

every car on Staten Island ran over this phone.

Destroyed.

It's not even the word.

Like, I picked it up.

I'm not kidding.

It was like picking up liquid.

It just, it drooped.

Everything was destroyed.

Every piece of it was shattered.

Like, no hope of getting any information off it.

That's just a joke, laughable.

Like, I'd spoken to you about it, and I was looking at the comments on your Instagram.

So many people are like, I could fix it for you, bro.

I could fix it for you.

I'm like, nah.

It doesn't sound like it.

It is nothing.

No part of it was saved.

And

I didn't back up my phone for a fucking year.

I lost every, dude, I'm an idiot.

I'm a fucking moron.

And I lost a year's worth of photos, Benjamin's last photos, the new cat's first photos living in the yard.

I mean, just a million, my vacations with my brothers.

They didn't go into a cloud?

I don't put anything in the cloud because I don't, because I get people trying to break into your clouds.

People are trying to break into your cloud.

I've never heard that before.

Yeah,

I'll get like warnings and stuff that like someone's attempting to log in if someone logged in.

I'm sorry, but I got to find out.

Is all my stuff backed up, Kennedy?

Does all my stuff go to a cloud?

Should be.

Is you backed up?

I'm going to start your phone.

If this happens to me, I'm good, though, right?

Should be.

I'll come back afterwards.

Yeah, you should check those settings because it's really upsetting.

It was really upsetting.

Because you can pick up, you take photos on your phone, they show up on your iPad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The year of texts gone.

So I was texting people like, what the fuck?

Because you know, sometimes I don't have to

do the new phone who does.

Well, luckily, for some reason, the contacts did update.

I don't know what the fuck's going on, but it's.

Well, whatever.

And

yeah, so I lost so many pictures that were dear to me.

And

it was pretty upsetting.

I was actually legit depressed for like two days

until I was finally.

I talked to you, you did not sound good.

I was depressed as fuck.

And then

I said, you know what?

I was like, if I was 60 years old, well, 80 years old, and I was in bed dying, and somebody said to you, we'll give you two days of life back if you burn every photo you ever have, I'd be like, where's the fucking match, right?

You would.

Because that's how important every day of your life is.

And I was like, I've spent two days miserable about these photos.

I just got to pull my head out of my ass.

And then, and I went out and I just got over it.

But now that I'm talking about it, I'm getting pretty depressed again.

Did you have Google photos and did you check to see if?

No, I did not.

Okay.

Don't worry about it.

Get him.

I appreciate it, but there's no reason to.

I went over everything.

Yeah, yeah.

It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

It's dead.

It's gone.

Nothing's over.

But

the new cat

official has now found his name.

It's Boris.

Boris.

After Karloff?

yeah,

sure.

Absolutely.

I need Boris Carlo.

Uh, yeah, so where did he come from?

Well, he's the one that I found in my yard.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, his name, we were calling him

his name, like this big thing at the vet chips.

Uh, and I had to call the vet and tell him that, uh, no, I'm changing the name to Boris.

So, his name is Boris now, Boris the cat, becoming my best friend.

We're just we're really bonding, bud.

We're sitting there all day.

He's still got to chill out in his office.

He's got to stay in the office because he's still got the worm medication.

So I spend my day with him just so because he's three months old.

He's a baby.

I don't want him to get scared.

And, dude, it's like, my day is spent with a kitten.

It's pretty nice.

Writing, playing video games with this kitten.

It's like, so aside from the phone thing, although I lost the fucking videos of Boris when he lived in the yard, man, where he was playing with a raccoon, like he was playing with this baby raccoon one time, and I caught it on camera.

Oh, no, really?

Oh, it's gone, man.

Oh, my brave little guy.

But whatever, I have him.

Why didn't you post it to Instagram, man?

That's cute as fuck.

I should.

Fucking, that's my problem.

Everything that I posted to Instagram for the last year, I have.

That's good.

Yeah, so I don't know.

Some of them, then.

But for the most part, I've been okay.

You know, missing you guys.

I agree.

I was like, when I was on my way here, I was like, when's the last fucking time we did this?

It seems so long ago.

Yeah.

But now we're getting back into it.

Now it's the fall, summer's over.

We've got a bunch of Patreon stuff coming up this week.

I'm looking forward to it.

You're going to be involved in something Patreon-related.

That's going to be really cool.

Yeah, I can't wait, man.

I'm pretty excited for it.

I keep asking about it, which is unusual for me.

Yo, did you answer the email about the cruise?

They tried to reach out to you.

Yeah, I did.

Not only did I answer it, but I got another email saying you didn't answer it.

Yeah,

answer it again.

Yeah, that talk about exciting everybody.

The Get Ship Feast.

Yeah, January 22nd.

We're doing the Impractical Joke because Eric Andre ship-faced cruise.

Space Monkeys is going to be on it.

Space Monkeys is going to be on it three times.

First time ever.

Three shows.

I was so excited when I saw that, but at the same time, I'm like, oh, shit, I got to come up with another hour.

Yeah, we'll have a lot of guests.

DeRose will be on the boat.

Oh, good.

Yeah, like Jiggy will be there.

We'll have.

Jiggy will be there.

I got some stuff for Mr.

Eric Andre.

It's going to be great.

We're going to have a blast.

But yeah, the cruise is

selling well.

I mean, over half the boat sold out on day one, and it's getting there.

So it's been pretty fucking cool to see people get all excited about it.

Yeah, I was very excited to see that come in.

It makes it more real, you know.

Yeah, a lot of ants talking about going on it.

That's good.

Yeah, that Star Trek.

And there's going to be some there's going to be some four-colored demons.

Well, some I think, I believe Troy is going.

I think Troy's going.

Troy's going.

I can't remember if Frank said he was going.

I'm trying to get Ming on.

Trying to get Ming said he was definitely going.

Ming said he was definitely going on that and the Viewscu cruise.

Don't they overlap?

I don't know.

I think the the View Scu Cruise is a week later or something.

Oh, he's taking a raft.

Yeah.

He's at a

thingy behind the boat.

Because

where you turns around and then, yeah.

Like they're doing it on the Norwegian Pearl, I think.

So it can't be the same time.

Yeah.

One thing I know I'm going to bring on that cruise is my Raycons.

Oh, I wouldn't I

because they're going to work great out there at sea.

I'll pop them in.

Yeah.

Rock out.

You know?

Yeah.

Hang out in the sun.

And now it's fall, so we're going to make, we're going to make these raycons part of our fall routine, going out, watching people rake leaves, wearing your raycons,

watching people do other stuff, wearing your raycons.

You really paint my picture here.

I'm going to sit on the porch with my cane

and then point it at people who I'm angry with.

Oh my God, just jabbing the cane in youth's direction.

I'm totally using it like Larry David did in Kirby Enthusiasm, like he's knocking on doors with inshaAnd

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okay nois uh you're gonna have to change your show q my show mr smash mouth oh yeah Passed away, and I don't see that story, which is a fucking awesome story.

Walt, you were six, so you didn't get to go to the Joker show.

Yeah, we tell a story about Steve Harwell at playing Mary's wedding.

That's pretty fucking great.

It's an amazing story.

It was literally my favorite part of the whole show.

And then the fucking guy goes and dies.

He dies.

Now they're going to have to change the end of the show.

Yeah, because it goes in about his drinking.

So it's kind of like seems like we might have to

switch it up a little bit.

I'm not following what happened.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth just died

of alcoholism-related.

He played Murray's wedding

and played the wedding, and he drank a little bit too much, and we tell the story

on the live show, on a tour.

Many minutes ago.

Oh, so you have to

omit that now from your.

I think we gotta.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I think we gotta.

Like, if he died from something else, you could go like a.

I think you could still have win with it, yeah.

Yeah, but

you know, like the thing he died from, here's how he acted like an asshole while he was doing it.

Yeah, you got to kind of sensitive it up a little bit.

Yeah.

That's like, is he a big fan of Smash Mouth, Murr?

He claims

he is.

He said his wife was.

But she was like, yeah, they're okay.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think there was some song that Smash Mouth did that meant something to him.

I don't know.

That's got to be a lot of money, right?

The feeling I got was that Murray was under the impression that his wife, Melissa, loves Smash Mouth, so he hired Smash Mouth for the wedding at considerable expense.

And then afterwards, Melissa was after all the tobacco happened, Melissa was like, Yeah, Shashmouth's okay, I guess.

What was it like?

Well, he got drunk and caused

some issues at the wedding.

Oh, yeah.

And we have all, we do, we show photos.

Like him yelling from stage at people.

Yeah, like we do this whole thing.

And, you know, we never really too, we don't really go hard on him.

We don't really judge him for it, but we kind of tell the story as it is.

And it's more like, I mean, you're making lemonade out of lemons.

Right.

And at the end of the day, the guy was paid a lot of money to do a job, and he kind of did this, and this was kind of the way.

But now,

in light of how he went, we're kind of like...

What is the big song?

All-star?

Or Monkey's

Believer?

Yeah.

So, yeah, we're going to have to find some different.

You didn't hire

some big

string quartet didn't do it for you?

The fucking agent DJ?

I married him.

Who ignored my list?

I know, yeah, but I mean, someone to play, someone to play the, yeah, having you play.

I'm not bigger than Smash Mouth, but like someone to play, and you like, if you had Wasp.

I don't know.

I think of like Mary Beth.

Crew.

We can get either Wasp or Blue October.

Crew, yeah.

Trust me, yes.

These are bands I would love to have had.

Could you imagine Crew playing your

bullshit who?

Shut the fuck up, who?

Nobody knows who Motley Crew is.

That's what Mary Beth would say.

Does anybody care?

Like, look, have Motley Crew playing?

if i could have got she would become a fan instantly oh yeah if right my crew is there especially if she met tommy lee

where did mary beth go anyway

i've heard stories like this

she's on a boat yeah well that's the first time i laughed in a long time

it took half the show

because that's a great that's a

you to get that joke you need to have seen that pam anderson video

That's a good joke.

It's a pull.

You need to know a little bit.

You got to know your big dicks.

You have an encyclopedic knowledge of your big dicks.

Yeah, like it's

now I know,

like, isn't it unfair?

to become a rock god and to have a big dick to it.

I've thought the same exact thing.

I'm like, it is like these high school dropouts who became uber famous and now all have big cocks like this.

And fucking the hottest freaking creatures on the planet with

this

part of

I see pictures of their wives that John Five posts.

I'm like, they're all hot.

They all got hot wives.

You don't think that like that big cock is what made them into rock stars to begin with?

Like that confidence that like

no, because you can't, I don't care how big your dick is, if you can't fucking keep rhythm on the fucking drums, you ain't playing.

Otherwise John Holmes would have been playing a guitar instead of fucking doing cocoa.

There's a Venn diagram of people with big dicks and people with big dicks and talent that become rock stars.

So, like, but that light going through life with that fucking 10-incher, being like, look at this fucking thing.

Of course, I could do anything I want.

It definitely would give you a level of confidence that you don't maybe even deserve.

Yeah, because you do deserve.

Because you got a big dick.

But it was just a lottery.

It was a fucking, it was a poll, right?

Like,

some guys won the microphallus.

I mean, lost

the lottery, and they got microphallus.

And then you got guys guys like Tommy Lee, who's like, they won every lottery there is, except for the Hep C lottery.

You want cock equity?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't work like that.

And then you get to Ron Jeremy's, who have the big cock, and not much else.

Yeah, I said that to Mary Beth the other day because I have a picture.

We were in Key West, and like

it goes back to like Rod Bruce, God rest his soul, he threw a

con, a horror con down in

Atlantic City.

Yeah.

Ron Jeremy was there.

I had Ron up on stage and shit.

You know, we talked.

And then when we were leaving,

he gave Mary Beth a kiss on the cheek.

And like an asshole, I didn't take a picture.

And I was like, God damn it.

Like, why would I not, like, I'm just too old.

I don't think of these moments, you know, like I should.

Yeah.

So I'm like, we're never going to see Ron Jeremy again.

We're in Key West.

We're walking down the street and there's that like Adam and Eve store.

And I'm like, that's fucking Ron Jeremy.

He's sitting out front.

Totally stoned out of his mind on something and totally whacked out.

I'm like, let's go recreate that.

And so there's a picture of Mary Beth looking none too happy.

Like, she is, she's smiling, but her body language is like this.

She wasn't at the time, though.

That's the thing.

And I told her the other day, I was like, holy shit, I just thought of this.

You have a picture with a convicted rapist kissing you on the cheek.

Elo, he does not look good now.

No, it's not even Bill Cosby.

Oof.

Yeah.

Nasty Ron Jeremy, who's like now in a wheelchair.

His hair's all dementia.

Yeah, he's got dementia.

He's all fucked up.

Yeah.

I can't remember what brought us there.

Tommy Lee.

Tommy Lee.

And the Smash Mouth guy.

And the Smash Mouth.

And everybody with big dicks except for us, fucking jerks.

Yeah, I don't mind switching up the show, though.

Like, I think, you know, the live tour show.

It'll be fun.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It'll be totally fine.

It's just such a fascinating story that you're like,

like, you, like, I wish I was there to watch it.

You were sick, right?

I had COVID.

Yeah, I remember you were sick, so you didn't go.

Yeah, I was like, I wish I was there just to witness that part.

But, like, Murray did such an awesome job of painting the picture that you're like, you felt like you were there.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's got the videos and

the pictures just back it up.

It's so fun.

Are you at liberty to say what it costs to get him to play at a wedding?

I actually don't know.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's going to be a lot.

I would have to think, right?

My guess would be somewhere around 50.

That's my guess.

Oh, I would think less.

Well, even less than that, huh?

Yeah.

I don't know.

My guess was 25.

25?

Yeah, were they at their peak or were they had

just during COVID?

Yeah, this was like...

Two, three years ago.

Like, when's the last time that it was literally three years ago, I think?

Like, you were a teenager, probably.

Shrek song is always popular.

Oh, they had a Shrek song?

You know how old you are, right?

Oh, sorry, I was in Shrek.

Yeah, so, yeah.

Yeah, that's one of those bands.

So, they had more.

Were they walking?

No,

what was their other song?

Walking on the side, yeah.

So, they did, they weren't a one-hit wonder, they did have a couple songs.

No, they toured regularly until his life kind of fell apart.

Oh, my God, I had

two things that I I wanted to talk about.

One, that idea I told you about for the Patreon commercials.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Because I was thinking about

doing, you know, we don't really promote the Patreon nearly as much as we should, I guess.

And I was like, remember back in the day, like the Time Phone commercial or like all the Jim Jones commercial.

Jim Jones commercial.

The undies with the undies.

Maxwell.

Oh, these highly produced ads.

Even when we first started telling Steve Dave when I was dating Melanie, like I had her do those real sexy voiceovers and stuff like that.

I'm like, like, well, what if we each

came up with our in

secret came up with our own Patreon commercials and like try and try and really come up with like outdo each other?

Audio?

Yeah, audio.

Audio.

Okay.

Audio.

So I thought it might be fun.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

I think that'll be fun too.

Yeah, because like the three or even get them.

You want to come up with one too.

Like, I don't know.

It'd just be funny to like see what we come up with.

Yeah.

Like try and get that old like shit that we used to do with that, man.

Is there anything on the line?

No.

Okay.

Your ass your ass is always on the line

you should always be in that mindset that you're that you're one you're one step being removed that's how you were that's how you that's how the that's the reality of your life

in the uh big ceos that's how they operate though they never get comfortable yeah i mean like look at uh look at even like our tenure at amc it's like change like it the ceos change hands the the you know like you've seen it cue yourself like you know there's constantly new people coming in.

And what do new people love to do?

They love to erase all the shit the old people did and be done with it.

So, like, there will be, somebody new comes in, there's going to be no sign that Gidden was ever here or was ever alive.

All these beautifully hung pictures.

Yeah, people are like, who did that?

I'm like, I don't know.

The guy who was here before you.

I just met if you were going to vote on the commercials to see which one was the best.

Oh, I think you need a vote.

Yeah.

Yeah, you want to do a vote.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Let's tweak the idea.

So it's a vote.

Can you do the Twitter poll?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Great.

All right.

I like it.

Yeah.

I like that idea a lot.

I feel it's fun.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you had a second thing?

Oh, I went to,

I went to, I had a hell of a wonderful experience in Disney.

Disney?

Went to Disney.

Fatone was playing the beer, the wine and fatal.

You were at that?

I went on the Monday, his last night.

Okay, I was going to say, I saw that he was doing that.

I was like, that would be a fun thing to go to.

Well, I was in QS with my brothers, and and I was flying home Monday,

and I was flying from Q West to Newark.

And then his last night was Monday.

And he's like, Why don't you just come?

We have like a big party afterwards.

So I flew to Orlando, went to the thing, saw Fatone.

He was great, great fucking show, man.

And

then we went to the after-party, hanging out, and stuff like that.

And then I met a Disney executive

who gave me access.

Well, only one day.

I don't have this for life.

Club 33.

Yeah, I went to Club 33.

I had

lunch in Club 33 and

a pass, like a golden ticket that just got you to the front of a ride unlimited.

And that day, during only that one day, as much as I wanted, I can go on any ride to the front of the line and silicon cart.

It was fucking awesome.

It was like life-changing.

Were you

seeing people give you looks or annoyance?

I never looked back to see, Bryce.

Oh, no, no.

You never see that gold ticket glinting in their eyes?

I should never look back to see.

I probably passed the same person on Haunt and Matching three times while they were waiting on the line.

I just kept going around.

You're going to love it.

Oh, wait till you get in there, man.

The fucking room practical jokers cut off my five-year-old.

Don't give a fuck.

Print it.

Put it out there.

I don't think I could ever go back to Disney again, man.

It was what?

That Star Wars ride?

It's the most incredible fucking thing I've ever seen.

And like the line, the fast pass line was an hour and a half.

It was like, oh, my God.

Did you ask why it only was eligible for one day?

Yeah, the guy who gave it to me is an imagineer.

And apparently, you know, he's learned in the past you can't just give these things that willy-nilly, especially to Faton's buddies.

Will we see Joe Fatone on the cruise?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I'm not on the bone-less Faton's on the bone.

Mary Beth was like, is he coming?

Is he coming?

I was like, I don't know.

I'll text him.

And then I totally forgot.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And then if he's not, I don't want to be like, hey, going on the cruise?

He's like, no, I wouldn't want to do it without Fatone.

Yeah, he's awesome.

Dude, Club 33.

And it was the secret entrance.

It was.

Apparently, well, here's the thing now.

Every park has a Club 33.

So, yeah, but it's hidden in the park.

Yeah, there's an unmarked entrance, an elevator with a guy,

security guy, but like not dressed like security.

So if you approach the elevator, he's like, what's going on?

And then you got to show him the golden ticket, and then he lets you out.

Is he wearing a Disney shirt?

No,

he was dressed like a real low-key security.

Like, you wouldn't notice he's an authority until you take a second to look at him.

You know what I mean?

And then food was great.

Debauchery?

No,

dude, props, like Walt Disney from like Mary Poppins, like old school props and costumes all over the place.

What's that?

Is it anything like from the rides that they don't have out anymore?

There were props from rides and stuff like that, but I don't think anything like controversial though.

But yeah, no, it was all, and just like they have this museum in there of photos that they never print anywhere else.

They went into the archives and got them just for Club 33.

I've walked at like designing stuff and shit like that.

It's so impressive, man.

It really is something.

And not as expensive as I thought it was going to be.

That was the other thing.

Wait a minute.

You had to pay?

Yeah, yeah, you got to pay.

Even with the pants?

Yeah, you got to pay.

Just get you in, pal.

The Club 33 members have to pay.

Oh, okay.

I thought this was like.

But

the food and drink was about what it costs in the park, which is elevated, but they're not like banging you over the head even more.

But never did I think

I'd heard massages given by people in

sexy Disney costumes.

I mean,

not like in the end.

Certainly not in the club.

Not illegal.

Yeah.

Nothing illegal.

Just Princess Jasmine comes by and gives you a little back rub.

Yeah.

Or

a girl in a mini outfit comes over and just gives you a back massage, oils, and everything.

But it's all nothing that would get them shut down, though.

There was absolutely zero controversial in the delivery.

Would that be controversial?

What?

That would be controversial.

Unfortunately, yeah.

Getting a shoulder up?

No, getting mini mouse strippers in Club 33.

No, I never said strippers.

Like, if Club 33 was essentially, what's the fuck fan fantasy?

Yeah.

Except for all mini mouses.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that would have been cool, man.

But they're not doing anything like that.

But, dude, that pass, I don't think I could ever go back again.

Yeah, once you've tasted that aspect of the park, it's hard to go back.

I flew as high as I can go.

Yeah.

I thought when Sage got her fast pass, that was living.

I didn't know there was a golden ticket, man.

Well, the fast pass, you can only use two rides.

Now they've changed it.

Oh, they changed it?

You can only schedule it for two rides at a certain time throughout the day.

Gotcha.

Okay.

This is just like boop, just going whatever.

Yeah.

We kind of found a hack when we went to a universal.

Well, which was.

Remember, we went to the school.

We climbed over the back fence.

No, we looked at fast passes, and it was just a crazy price, but we went to.

I didn't get him pretended to be retarded.

No, we went to the singles.

More drool.

I thought you just showed off your gout.

Spinner in his mouth.

No,

we went to the single rider line.

That was pretty quick.

Yeah, okay.

They don't need to ride next to each other.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think, yeah, I don't think there's no part of me that needs to go back to these parks.

No.

You know what?

I would only consider it if

Sage were into it.

She's into it for 45 minutes.

And then she's like, I don't feel like walking around.

It's fucking 100 degrees outside.

This sucks.

Unless I did get the

golden ticket.

There's nothing like it.

I thought that I got special treatment in the past.

It was all an illusion.

They made me look like a fucking asshole.

And they would

smile at him.

Look at him smiling.

He's so happy.

Yeah.

Look at this fucking fucking sea level reality show fucking piece of shit smiling like you fucking mad.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go.

You enjoy me.

Motherfuckers were laughing at me the entire time I went down Main Street.

There's a fucking, I mean, fucking your heels off.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, man.

It's like the Illuminati fucking is really out there running the world.

And I caught a glimpse of a glimpse of what it's like.

Damn.

Pirates.

No problem.

Right on it.

Oh, fuck it.

Jungle Cruise went on twice just for the hell of it.

If you had a golden ticket, would you consider going back then?

Yeah.

Yeah.

it's only probably

time.

I mean,

it's awesome.

I mean, I think it's a great park and everything, but I've done it so many times, there's really not much that could get me back there at this point.

Yeah.

Wow.

The heat is oppressive.

The lines are ridiculous.

Yeah.

What was it, like $15 for a soda?

Yeah.

But there is nothing like it.

Like, what they pulled off is unbelievable.

The craftsmanship into every single detail is like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, no argument out of me.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Especially the Imagineers,

what they do with the technology.

I've always like back in the day, you would see those shows like on Discovery and Learning Channel of what they would do.

How smart they are.

Yeah, it was impressive.

Everything was impressive, man.

Everything.

Like what used to be just all air-controlled and how smooth it looked and everything else like that.

And now it's like

robotics and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have to quickly read this before my phone dies.

Oh, right.

My iPad is not getting email for some reason.

People had enough of my vacation anyway.

My fucking iPad and laptop both died within two days of each other.

Permanently died?

Permanently.

What happened?

Brought them over?

They're just, oh, thank you.

Get them.

The

both of them just, they just were going so slowly, and they're like, well, they're old.

You know?

They're old as old.

2016.

So.

It's kind of old.

It's kind of old, but it still should run.

That's what I thought.

I mean, it was running, but it was just like going so slowly.

And it's like, you know, I cut the show on it and stuff.

So

yeah, I need it.

And I've been working on video lately, so it's like I need it bigger and better anyway.

It's just I kind of feel like buying it all at the same time, though.

It's like, Jesus Christ.

I'm using like an iPhone 11 right now.

Yeah, that's what I got going on.

Until I get to the fucking, because I know in like three weeks, they're releasing that new one.

I'm like, get it to me.

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And, you know, they're still making that guitar for us.

It's in the works.

Oh, wow.

And I had, you know, it's a giveaway for a, I know you have dreams of taking it home and playing with it, but it's actually for a listener.

So I had an idea.

All right.

They make two.

They make two.

Okay.

It actually was an idea, so you could have one.

And the other idea is for the giveaway, maybe we do a song parody contest.

Anybody can join.

Anybody, you know, if you want.

Okay.

But it has to be about members of the Tell'em Steve Dave.

Oof.

What do you think?

They're essentially roasting us.

They're going to be roasting us.

Could be brutal.

Could be complimentary.

Yeah.

Could be complimentary.

I mean, I'm thinking.

Parody songs are not.

My buddy E-Rock, they made some parody songs about him.

I don't remember one being

even remotely complimentary.

Fuck, man.

I'd love to see what people come up with that.

I think that'd be funny.

Yeah, I'd like to see what kind of fuck people poke at us.

I like it.

What do you think?

Yeah, sounds good.

And now what kind of a musician gets it, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

And the other thing is, I want to spearhead,

personally,

take it and run with it is Vinyl Cast 3.

Oh, okay.

We've been talking about it and talking about it, but I think I'm going to organize.

I don't think.

The last idea was funerals, right?

Yep.

All right.

Or eulogies.

Eulogies.

Eulogies, yeah.

So it's going to.

a little bit.

I'll give it a little time.

It won't come together fast, Walt.

No worries.

It's me done.

I've been thinking.

Yeah, Jets is just.

You've been thinking about it lately?

I want to stop thinking about it.

Okay.

Well, it'll be a while.

It'll take some time

to match everybody up.

It's dressed up as a eulogy, bud.

It really is just a reason to shit out each other under the guise of something.

Yeah, yeah, I love it.

I love it.

A three out, right?

We're going to do like like a three disc?

I think so.

Well, we'll look into the costs of it, you know, because we don't want to outprice everybody.

Sure, you know, the second disc was more, third, but I mean, three discs, it makes sense.

Why don't cast three?

Yeah.

We'll see how affordable it is for everybody, and we'll go from there.

Nice.

What else do we got here?

Let me see.

Oh, get ready to hit learn something?

Oh, it's been a while since I hit learned something.

Miss Hitler beauty pageant contestant who called herself an Aryan angel and boasted she was a white pure-blooded female is exposed by Nazi hunters as a 42-year-old mother from Oxford.

Now, this is an Aryan angel right here.

I'm sorry you can't see it, but if you wanted to Google it, you know,

Miss Aryan Angel, I don't know.

I mean, I don't know.

I feel like a middle-aged mom

is the winner of a Miss Hitler beauty pageant.

Is it because there aren't that many entrants?

I don't know, man.

It's got a small pool.

Yeah.

Participants in the online contest, which aims to promote healthy

Hitlerian competition.

They all use pseudonyms to disguise their identities.

Now, come on.

What?

I mean, if you join Mr.

Hitler, right?

Yeah.

And you're like, my name is Brian Queen.

Everybody still knows that you.

Anybody who sees these people.

Yeah.

So what did you?

I don't know what we're about to find out.

Like, is the prize worth?

Because my thing is, like, it's not even funny.

So, why are you doing it?

Like, it's not funny.

And if it's not funny, then what, what, then you're...

So you mean to tell me that you're seriously doing a fucking Miss Hitler 2023 contest?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we are.

This is in America.

That was crazy as shit.

That was my first idea to give away that four-colored demons guitar.

Then I was like, wait, the song parody might be better.

Was it held in America?

No,

it's hosted by Russia's popular Vikantaki social website known as VK.

It allows users to vote for their favorite female admirers of the Nazi leader.

So wait, wait, wait.

Russia is invading Ukraine supposedly because it's full of Nazis.

And yet they're also sponsoring a Miss Hitler.

Well, somebody from there.

It's almost like nothing makes sense anymore.

Right.

Can you imagine?

Her personal statement.

said that she's a straight, white, pure-blooded female with a longing to return to the traditional ways, whatever they are.

Yeah,

according to that, what is traditional ways.

In accordance

with blood and soil, ancestors and honor, our people matter,

says Miss

Technology and start plowing fields.

Who do you think she's telling that to?

Who is she getting that message?

Who needs to know that her people matter?

I don't know, but this is what she says.

Maybe it's like, you know, like how when they interview Ms.

Teen USA, like, you know, they have to give a little statement.

No, I I know that, but I'm

saying about maps and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like the interview portion.

I just wonder who she's, who's her intended target of that comment.

Well, this is what she says.

This is what she told

the Daily Mail, I guess.

It was just a bit of fun, really, a spur-of-the-moment thing.

I didn't set out to upset anyone.

It's not like I'll get a crown.

It's more of a poll.

I'll try to get it taken down.

My views aren't extreme.

You hear the same at every bus stop.

Hitler has been dead a long time.

I don't think the impact, I don't think of the impact his name still has.

Yes, you fucking do, you lying bitch.

Yes, you do.

There's nobody on earth, except for like southeastern Asians or Southern Asians that like, they don't seem to understand that like you can't put swastikas all over everything.

Every two seconds you turn around and somebody from like Vietnam has like a beauty parlor with like swastikas outside.

It's so weird.

Because like the Hindu religion is near there and it's, it's, it's

like, originally it was this.

It's like, yeah, well, nobody knows that anymore.

Nobody cares about that anymore.

That's where you get the real know-it-alls.

They're like, well, actually, that's a fucking

thing.

I don't.

Appropriating the crust.

Looks like a swastika to me.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I don't know.

The crust is a little too big.

Unless they burn it or turn it upside down.

Speaking of turning it upside down, aren't we going to

a devil show this weekend?

Oh, yeah.

We got quite a Tellum Steve Dave outing this weekend.

This is extremely rare

that all three of us go.

I think the last time was when we went to see Monster Magnet.

That was quite a while ago.

Yeah.

Over at the Birch Hill or wherever it was.

Was it the Birch Hill Country Club?

I don't think it was the Birch Hill, but

it was in Sarahville.

Yeah.

But it's us.

It's the Franks.

It's us.

It's the Franks.

It's Troy.

Troy.

Giddam.

Giddam's coming.

Giddem was invited.

He says no.

No, why not?

It's not my kind of music.

I told you.

It doesn't matter what you're saying.

You're hanging out with your friends.

It is.

I need to.

Otherwise, it's like I'm just listening to the radio and wanting to change the channel.

But you're just talking to your friends.

Yeah, you're hanging out with me.

But you hear the music while here all day, though.

And I feel like it's not your playlist.

Right?

So, yeah, it doesn't, you know, I don't, you know,

I can't argue.

Like, I asked him to go.

He said, no.

Yeah, I'm not going to.

All right, what are you going to do?

Yeah, we'll be rocking to the sounds of Alice Cooper, Ministry, Filter, and, of course, Rob Zombie, who, God damn it, John 5 quit to join.

I like Motley Crew, but I think Motley Crew is beneath John Five's talents.

Oh, he's not in it anymore.

No,

he left Zombie to join Motley Crew.

It's about the bigger payday, right?

It's got to be.

And more exposure.

I mean, like, Zombie tours every couple of years.

Crew is like,

that's a massive tour for them, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who do you think opens?

I mean, Cooper or Zombie?

Oh, Cooper.

Cooper opens?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know.

I would be very surprised if there were more Cooper fans out there than Zombie at this point.

I don't know.

How old is Alice Cooper now?

He's 70.

60.

I'm just going to do Feed My Frankenstein.

I could almost guarantee it.

I hate that song.

Doesn't he have a cane, too?

Doesn't he come out with a cane?

No.

I think he does come out with a cane, but he does it as a farce because then he walks across the stage like he's an old man, and then in the middle of the song, he doesn't need the cane.

Oh, it's like Willy Wonka?

Yeah.

So I'm a living, breathing farce to Alice Cooper.

He's making fun of you specifically, Guys like me who's like, I can still rock.

Ow, ow.

This is sunsetting.

My hip hurts.

This will be my fourth time seeing Cooper.

Wow.

What songs do you want to hear him for?

My Stars.

That's my favorite Cooper Schools.

I don't know if he'll play that, though.

I hope he doesn't play Schools out if I know he's going to.

And I like Elected, and I think he'll play Elected.

Like you're in the front row, and he's like, who wants to hear a song?

And you've got to scream one song.

My Stars.

Yeah.

Great song.

He bops you on the head with his.

You think he'll do that?

Loud enough?

I got a frog in my

throat.

That's why I was asking you to come, maybe, because you could scream it for me.

Yeah, you do project well, get him.

And now, with

the thing where you stick your fingers in your lips and whistle?

I've never been able to whistle like a hole.

We're also in a suite across from the

probably across from the stage.

My grandfather could do that.

Q just got spit in his mouth.

You see what the fuck you're talking about?

You're telling me I'm asking

Good gosh.

Yeah, so I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, me too, man.

I'm looking forward to it.

I think it'll be pretty fun.

Haven't been to a show in some time.

Probably, I'm trying to think of the last one.

Blue?

Blue October.

And I got Wasp would have been the last one.

That was a good one, too.

And you guys are doing a baller style, too.

You guys got a

sweet bit sweet.

Well, it was started out as like, hey, you guys want to go to a concert, UQ, and Walt?

And we were like, yeah, sure.

And it's $160 a man.

Right.

And then he was like, wait, we could get a suite.

And I think he was probably thinking of you, you know, so you don't get harassed.

You can, you know, enjoy the

shame.

I'm just saying you should probably pay for most of it.

But before the idea even got to me, it was a suite.

Yeah.

Because you just get the suite, and then you could just fit up to like 17 people or something.

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, great, great.

So we should try to scoop in some Rando's to defray the cost.

Yeah, we got to do that, man.

You guys have fucking hit.

I mean, I probably, he's right.

I probably wouldn't have gone.

If you guys didn't hit me with a sweet, I would have probably, I might have done dinner.

But I'm not, I'm also not.

I don't listen to any of those bands with any regularity.

Yet he's still going.

Get them.

Oh, you're going to love it.

Yeah.

Oh, you're going to become a major new fan.

You're going to be rocking the eye makeup, the mascara.

Oh, cool, man.

You're going to be like, how did I never listen to this before?

So it's got a lot of groove to it.

It's not just like noise.

Well, I've listened to them.

I know I'm familiar with some of it.

I just, they're not my go-tos.

Right.

But you guys are.

It's going to change you.

And the private suite, I was like, yeah, I'm in on that.

That's how it is.

That should be good.

Yeah.

And it's a new guitarist, but it's an old guitarist.

It's a guy who played on Hellbilly Deluxe and Super Sexy Swinging Sounds, I think.

Which are a lot of remixes, that kind of stuff.

But

he must be good.

He must be good.

He ain't no John 5, I know that, but he must be pretty good.

Fuck, dude.

What's it like to get the...

Was he in retirement?

Was he out?

Was he like what they did with Tom?

I don't think so.

I think he was just playing with a different band.

Yeah, and then they pulled him back.

Speaking of John 5,

in an effort to

sort of stem the accusations of being a homosexual for playing classical guitar, I picked up the electric guitar as well.

And I've been playing recently.

And so I was like, all right, let me dig out some of my electric guitar stuff.

And I came across a book that it's like the book of John, but John 5.

Okay.

And it's all John 5 exercises and how to play like John 5 and all this shit.

And I bought it many years ago.

I was still.

What does that have to do, though, with playing a guitar, though?

Well, it would be like, what's that?

Exercising.

No, no, guitar exercise for like your favorite system.

Yeah.

It was really an exercise book that Mary Beth put a John 5 cover on.

Like squats and

fucking sit-ups I'm like you want to play like John 5 you better do some sit-ups fat boy

miles

but

I'm you know I'm looking at this Ryan Zero and I'm like you're you're familiar with John 5's playing like you know how he plays

and but I also

don't think consider like zombies music

that complicated of like where you need like you have that Ngve sound or like right no no that guy plays like a million miles a minute though right when when you're when john when john five is playing solo that's when that's when i really enjoy him as a guitarist like i've gone to some of his solo shows and he's really great but i i get this book out i'm like looking through it and i'm like it's a testament to how fucking drugged out i must have been at the time to even buy this book thinking that there was a chance in hell in 10 lifetimes i'm ever going to play like john 5 okay i'm like i might as well picked up a book on quantum mechanics and been like well i took basic science in eighth grade i surely i can fucking understand this I'm like, how fucking stupid was I?

I even bought a guitar that John the John 5 signature guitar I bought even.

How much does that go for?

It wasn't that much.

It was probably like 600 bucks at the time.

So it wasn't too much.

But

that's your condition, though.

What's that?

And a lot of people have it.

I have it too.

But like, I'll never be like, that's like saying I should stop drawing them because I'll never be as good as the guys that I love.

That's just like your brain saying it's that negative feeling.

You shouldn't, you shouldn't i'm trying to allow that to to like poison the well

because

and then you'll do nothing then well i said you'll do nothing if you're if you're constantly being like well i'll never be good as this person or i'll never be as good as this so it's not just realistic though well i'm not saying i'm not going to do it i i'm still playing and stuff because you know don't want to be gay

but i said i want to be gay but um

But to be able to play like John 5, I think, takes decades and decades.

It takes a natural, like, you're a natural artist.

So, like, I got to tell you, like, I don't have an eye for art like you do.

So, like, I look at the shit you draw and I'm like, fuck this.

This is as good as anything I've ever seen, comic-wise.

Why did he put the book out if he didn't think he could teach people to become like him?

To make money.

And there are people who can play like him.

I see him all the time on YouTube, and I'm like, and I get halfway through the thing, I'm like, fuck you, and I turn it off and then I go on to the next guy.

Right now, all I'm focusing on is

for.

Jumping to guy, huh?

Yeah, jumping from guy to guy.

This is what happens when you get into the classical guitar.

I just, like, I'm practicing total like form.

I'm going really slowly.

I'm not even thinking about playing a John 5 lick.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

I'm just.

You're just keeping at it, man.

You build up your business.

I'm keeping at it a little bit every day.

I'm not going to get good in a month.

I'm not going to get good in six months.

I'm not going to get good in a year.

But I might get good in five years.

Sure.

You know?

Yeah, there you go.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm really trying to hold on.

I understand the mindset of like, well, I'll never be as good as this person, so fuck it.

Right, yes, exactly.

I totally understand that point of view.

I've battled it for my entire life.

Yes, yes.

As a lot of people, I'm sure, listening, have had that same mindset.

Well, I'll never be that good, so why even bother?

But if you can

attempt to squash

those negative voices in your head down, you know, you still can achieve something and have fun at it, though.

That's all I want to do is just like have fun playing and play shit that I'm like, oh, I didn't think I'd be able to play this.

Like working to the point where you're like,

of course, like, I think every guitarist is like, this is what I want to do.

I want to fucking rip up this fretboard.

I want to play like Ingvey.

I want to play like John 5.

I just want to fucking go.

It's unrealistic.

Unless you're a born natural, like, you know,

everybody, like guys like Paul Gilbert or John 5 or Ingvey, it's people like, they're freaks of nature.

They are people who are so rare in this world that can play like this.

But then, I don't know.

I go on YouTube.

But even if I see a thousand people on YouTube, in terms of how many people play guitar, that's still a drop in the bucket.

Sure.

Even if you see a thousand people who play exactly like John 5 or Jerry C or any of these other motherfuckers.

Well, that's why they're posting videos of themselves.

Yeah, because they're awesome.

That's why you won't find any videos of me up there.

Sitting there plinking along.

Yeah, but I'm proud of you if you're keeping with him, man.

That's pretty good.

Nobody says you have to play like him.

You can just play your own style.

You play like Brian Johnson.

Oh, Brian Johnson sucks.

I don't know he doesn't.

Not in five years, he doesn't.

Yeah, five years.

Brian Johnson can reach down deep, tap into

the whole Johnson energy, and create music with that.

Doesn't have to be a million miles an hour.

No, that'll be total emo shit, man.

I like the music.

The families arguing on vacation.

Now I'm pissed.

Come on.

Everybody's a fucking bitch except for me.

Holy shit, man.

Obviously, it's not bad.

It has its place.

It does.

On the speakers of a 16-year-old who's feeling down.

Not on.

I was playing it the other day, Walt Spray painting those skulls.

Yeah.

But I was in an emo mood.

Yeah, that's totally understandable.

I was like, put some emo on, get him.

I'm ready to bum.

well i don't want to run your voice into the ground walt my voice yeah uh because this next thing maybe we can think about it for next time what skill set would you bring to a criminal bank robbing gang

oh um

planning

that's what i would have nailed you as yep you would be a great planning guy i think like if if walt was like hey i planned a bank robbery if i was a bank robber i would trust him

yeah i would totally trust him yeah i think you would you would all the little niggling details all the little tiny things that I wouldn't pay attention to, I'd be like, oh, shit, now I'm busted.

I feel like you would see them.

And then you would have Giddam as your right-hand man planning it.

And that's where things go right.

That's where I'm like, you, I need you to bake a kit with a file in it.

Well, as a young, as in my 20s, I used to fantasize about Robin Banks, but in my, when I was in my 70s.

Because you thought nobody would.

Because I thought I would be sympathetic and people wouldn't press charges against me.

So you planned on getting caught?

As a 70-year-old, I thought the chances were were pretty good that I wouldn't be able to high tail an editor.

And I probably would get caught.

And I thought maybe, like, you know,

if I was using the money for good reasons,

also,

I could get the side of the press on my side and maybe.

How old were you when you were having these fantasies?

My 20s.

Yeah, he told me about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to be at work

and think about like, you know.

I never thought about being old when I was in my 20s.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Oh, I've been thinking, yeah,

I thought about it my whole life.

You're growing old, yeah.

But hey, I used to daydream that I would rob banks in my 70s and be known as like almost like a cult character.

What if you did it?

What would you do with the money?

Oh, I would

donate.

I would donate it to, not to like organizational charities, but to like just people I came into contact with that needed it.

So Robin.

More a one-on-one kind of deal where like Percy Ross.

I don't know.

It makes a million.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Where are you going to run into these people that need that obviously need money?

I run into them now, so why wouldn't I run into them?

At 70?

Yeah, like if you had robbed a bank and they diggity, he's like, yo, my fucking place burned down.

He'd be like, don't worry, Diggity.

I got you.

That I understand.

I thought

you were like

people in the streets.

Oh,

I can go into a very very

low-income neighborhood and just roll up and just.

Just what a pile of money and just handing it out.

One guy now has all the money.

Now I'm Percy Ross, motherfucker.

You'd be like the Joker in the movie, like just throwing the money out while Prince is blasting in the background.

He's on the bus.

He's got this little cane, but he's listening.

Listening to what's going on all around him.

He hears some person saying they're having a bad day.

Sounds like a horrible way to spend your day, man.

Well, I get the thrill of robbing the bank.

That I'm with you.

And I would never do it with violence.

You do it like a chocolate gun?

No, no, no gun.

I was just a note and barely.

You got to pretend you have a gun.

Nope.

What?

You're no threat then, of course.

What's your note going to say?

What's your no gonna say?

Oh, I have a bomb strapped to me.

Oh, all right.

But don't mind.

I got a bomb in my pants.

Okay, so now it's now like i'm robbing the bank yeah please don't set off the alarm put all the money into this bag and no and i'm not here to hurt anybody and let's just do this quick and easy yeah i will yeah but i do in fact have a bomb that will kill all of us if you don't do you think as a if you were a bank teller and a 70 something year old man gave you that note you'd be ready to fight if he was like i don't have a gun i don't have no i would never i would just give them money right yeah i think most people would too they're like they're not there to become heroes What's the escape plan, man?

Mobility scooter,

something with the sewers?

I would just get uh, I would just get into a car, yeah, just drive away in hopes that you know, then maybe abandon the car.

That sounds solid to me, man.

I don't know, like, like one of the best bank robberies ever is in the movie Heat.

Oh, man, that shootout.

Oh, it sounds awesome.

It sounds so amazing.

It's, it's just shot so well.

They walk in there, they got these big duffel bags and shit.

It's fucking amazing.

I think

what would you bring to it?

I mean, advice not to do it, most likely.

But if we're going to get into it, I wouldn't mind a swipe

at the driving.

The getaway driver?

Yeah.

You think you're a good driver?

Like, have you gotten to a high speed?

I think that

I have in me a risky driver who will take the risks you need to.

I can vouch for that.

I've driven with him several times while he's texting and going through red lights and shit.

So you wouldn't want me driving?

No.

Oh, my God.

Can I be imagined?

Yeah, probably not.

No.

I wouldn't want to go in.

I wouldn't want to be involved in

violence.

He's in the car that's going 30.

I still see him.

The jerk off behind the crash car is in somebody's blind spot.

Yeah.

I don't even want to threaten anybody or see I would like I would like to go in there and and just like get up on the fucking the teller stand like the desk yeah and I want to be the guy that's like, we are here for the bank's money.

We are not here for your money.

Do not be a hero, and you will go home tonight.

Right, right.

That kind of shit.

And just let everybody know, be cool.

Yeah.

And nobody's going to get hurt.

I got you.

I don't know if people feel safe in that situation anyway.

I mean, because it's always backed up by the threat of violence.

That's the problem.

So it's like, no matter what you say.

My elderly friend has a bomb trapped in the body.

He's got a bomb.

You got a shotgun in your hand.

And a cane.

The threat of a handy cane.

I had always hoped I I would, when I grew up, when I had grown older, I would look like George Burns.

Yeah, all right, that's cool.

Without the cigar.

Well, I would even put the cigar just to give the look,

the bow tie and everything.

And the look of like, you know, like, how could I, how could I even turn this guy in, the tellers?

Maybe they'll just, they won't even tell him

like a feeble old man.

Yeah.

They're like, oh, your drawer was $6,000 short.

Oh, this cute old man came in and he looked just, just like, you remember George Burns?

No, okay.

Well,

he said goodnight, Gracie, all the way out the door.

Remember that.

You can pass him something fake with like a disappearing ink on it.

You know, oh, I got to get something for my granddaughter's birthday.

You know, it's a confidence game.

What is he talking about?

I have no fucking idea.

Robin Mag by the second.

You have to get something for your granddaughter's birthday?

Yeah, like he uses his age with like.

He sees he's senile.

He's talking to a wall.

Just shits his pants in front of the teller.

You know, like, just give him the money so he'll go.

Oh, my God.

Did he just shit his pants?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can't smell it?

Just give him $1,000 and get him the fuck out of here.

I'll chip in.

Here, take some out of my drawer.

Hold on, sir.

Hold on.

Don't set off the bomb.

It's coming.

Did you ever hear the story of the guy who had the bomb strapped to his neck?

That the pizza.

Oh, yeah.

I saw the whole documentary about it.

It's crazy.

All right, what were you saying?

I'm sorry.

Remember that pizza guy that he was a pizza delivery guy and he got hijacked into putting a bomb rack?

Yes.

Holy shit, I forgot about that guy.

Yeah.

It's just a sad story.

Was that for real or was he Robin Bank?

Yeah, that was real.

Oh, that is fucking nuts.

It's weird at the end, right?

Where he's like, you think he's in on it, and then he's like, but he's so forlorn.

He's like, come on, guys, it's going to blow up.

He doesn't seem panicked at all.

If I recall correctly, it was never going to be able to be disarmed.

Right, yeah.

The way way they said it was a real bomb.

Oh, yeah, it blew his head off.

Oh, he died.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But

they think he thought that it could be disarmed, and he was in on it.

But their whole entire plan was to kill the guy anyway, so it could never be, it was never able to be disarmed.

So

he was doing a, you have to go to point A, point B, point C to find like a key, which will unlock this.

And the whole time

they just knew they were going to blow his head off.

It was like this really smart lady and this really smart guy who built the bomb and then put him up to to it.

Cold man.

You should watch a documentary.

You would love it.

Yeah, the cops are holding him there because they're not going to let him leave to do this like a scavenger hunt.

And so he's like begging.

He's like, well, you know, not knowing again that there was nothing he could have done to prevent a bomb from exploding.

Damn, man, I don't even want to make anybody cry.

Right.

Like, could you imagine being so fucking cold?

You're like, I'm going to put this bomb on you.

And I know it's going to kill you, but I'm lying to you.

How do you do that?

Like, how do you even fucking show pants?

And he had a shotgun cane, didn't he?

Yeah,

he had a cane that was sort of fashioned to some sort of gun.

Yeah.

That was a working gun.

If you had saw it, it looked like something that the guy with the bomb?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They gave him a cane.

They gave him a cane that had it that had a, that would, that he, if he pulled the trigger on it, it would shoot a bullet.

What did they want him to do?

Rob Banks.

Rob Banks.

Yeah.

So

it's on Netflix.

It's called Evil Genius: The True Story of America's Most Diabolical Bank Heist.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

Yeah.

You'll want to check it out, man.

It's pretty cool.

Chilling, man.

And like, those people are out.

Are you up for joining our gang when we get when we hit our golden years?

Look, man, I don't want to rob anybody.

It's a thrill, you know, that one last height.

Think of that adrenaline, yeah.

Look at the money, man.

You're sitting home for how many consecutive months staring at your cat.

Yeah, you and Boris.

A chance

to go like, well, they'll probably make a movie out of it.

They had a movie already.

They would.

No, they would make a movie out of it.

It's like

these retired reality star guys.

Oh, that's pretty

sadder.

That's not a great angle, though.

It's a great angle.

We got canceled, man.

We don't have multiple seasons like you, Q.

Yeah, you do.

Well, okay, we do.

People love to see the fall.

So I'm naturally.

Yeah, but I don't want to be the fall.

But you own right to Toby, though.

Ah, man.

Look,

I could be involved in trying to talk you guys out of it, but I don't want to do it.

What if this funny man?

He provides all the upfront cash to get all the cuts to people.

Oh, and then he gets a cut of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're like

in the middle of the morning.

I think you guys are going to pull it off, and he's giving away all the money to people on buses.

Well, he's giving away his share.

He's not giving away our share.

You're like John Voigt.

Does my taste come off the top before it gets distributed?

Yes.

You got a percentage.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

There you go.

I don't know.

Boys, I never had that fantasy of wanting to grow old and rob banks.

I just kind of want to grow old and just chill out.

Okay, what about then taking down a casino by like counting cards?

All right, now you're talking.

Have you had that fantasy?

I haven't had that fantasy before.

We could break into the vault and like get Ming to get into that little box.

There you go.

I'm just

if we devote our lives every making marketing enough, but yes, you are.

If you devote and we hire somebody who can do it to train us, yeah, we'll get Tom Milazewski.

He went to college, right?

I think you just think I know

every person you're talking about, I've seen in a skin-tight suit on this podcast.

I don't know that I'll.

They'll be wearing something distract people from our bank robbery.

Tom and get him going body stockings.

Just distract everybody.

They start kissing everyone.

So what?

You want me to Walter fucking robbing the tellers.

All right, now I'm at Trisha.

We just send them in, and then we never rob the bank.

They're really doing it.

Has he got a boner?

Holy shit.

Well, they play classical guitar.

Oh, look at them go.

What a great episode for Patreon, though.

Oh, that would be something.

Oh, my God.

That would be something.

My last question: Godzilla, minus one.

We'd think the trailer worst name ever.

Not a great name.

Did you see the trailer, though?

It's a new movie.

I think it's only coming out in...

Oh, is it Japanese?

It's a Japanese.

Okay, but I'm sure it'll get a limited release in

America.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like...

Sounds like he gets an abortion.

Oh, to me, it sounded like, you know, like a...

I don't know.

Like a countdown or something.

You know, like how you respond to a wedding invitation.

Like, I'll be coming minus one.

I'll put it for myself.

So minus one.

Maybe he crashes a wedding.

That would be amazing.

I saw the trailer.

I've been burned too many times.

I can't get excited about it.

The same guy who directed it also did the visual effects, I noticed.

And the visual effects, there was a couple moments where I was like, I don't know.

I just can't get excited about that stuff anymore.

I think I've crossed over that line where, like, you know,

I'm going to have to see it before I allow myself to have a pulse for it.

It's a shame that's what it's come to, though.

Like, any, like, Sage really wants to see the nun too.

And I saw the first nun, and I'm like,

I don't expect the nun too to be better.

Did she see the first nun?

She did.

She likes it.

She likes it.

She can handle that tense.

She can handle that, but then for some reason, she can't handle, like, on Amazon Prime, there's a movie about a demon shark.

And I'm like, hey, you want to watch that?

She's like, no, too scary.

I'm like, how is that too scary?

Like, it makes no sense.

We just watched Jaws.

She's seen Sharknado.

We saw all the Sharknados.

No, that's not.

But we watched Jaws the other night together.

I mean, there's a lot of blood and guts in that.

She stays engaged the whole time?

Yeah, she does.

Yeah, she watches it.

And that's a long movie, man.

There's a lot of movies.

They don't make movies like that.

No, there's a lot of non-shark moments in that movie, too.

Yeah, there's a lot.

Yeah, there's a lot.

You know, they make you wait for

the tension.

For the payoff, yeah.

Yeah, not like today's movies where there's something going on every two seconds.

Oh, we went to see every corner of the screen and you're like,

you have to wait till it gets on video so you can pause it and then watch somebody break it all down for you on a YouTube video.

Yeah, yeah yeah

we went to see the meg too maryboth was like this is an action movie this is not a scary movie this is this is like jason statum like doing his action shit except in the water though yeah i i didn't i didn't it's it's weird because it's a hybrid american chinese movie so

that was my issue with the first one yeah it's really strange yeah like the one the one character who looked like an anime character in the first one she's not in this one yeah but like yeah the way they had her hair and stuff it's like that she just looks like an anime person yeah

I don't know.

What I do know,

glad to be back.

Yes.

Glad to be talking to everybody again.

Glad the kind of glad the summer's over.

Summer was brutal, man.

All I did was work and get fucking

bum hip.

I don't know, man.

Get the saladica.

I like the warm weather and the pool, but I walk, you know, I love autumn, man.

My favorite season.

Bring it on.

We'll be heading down to Gettysburg for Patreon.

That's right.

That's right.

All kinds of stuff coming up.

So stay tuned, everybody.

Stay tuned.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.