#551: The Joe DeRosa Train

I love him.

I love him.

I love him so fucking much.

I think my wife might have a crush on Joe DeRosa.

And that's what I want to say about Joe DeRosa.

Women fucking love that guy.

Dude, we went to the Prudential Center.

Is Joe DeRosa coming?

We went to your birthday party.

Is Joe DeRosa coming?

It's like Poochie.

It's like if Joe DeRosa isn't there, everybody should be asking, where's Joe DeRosa?

Yeah, I get it.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

Hey, Walt.

Yo.

ABQ.

Hello.

We're all here.

I got to quickly give a shout out to my buddy Cardiff Electric Walt.

He's a listener.

He's involved in many, many podcasts that I listen to, and they're all at war with each other.

He came on to the show that I do with Eric Nagel.

Would you kindly, he came on yesterday, and he said to say hello to Walt.

What's his name?

He's a listener, Cardiff Electric.

He's a podcaster.

What a hell of a name.

He appears as an animated potato.

It's like a potato filter.

So you don't know.

So no one knows what he looks like?

I don't think, yeah, and I think even when he goes to live appearances, he's still like, well, where he wore like this fucked up-looking potato mask.

Really?

I'm intrigued.

Yeah.

I am very intrigued.

Like, yeah, that's, I would love to

get to the bottom of that.

Maybe get him on the show, but he'll call in for sure.

Yeah.

Would he come in in his potato mask?

I'm not sure where he lives.

He says he lives in Minnesota, though.

He does have a heavy Canadian accent.

So it's.

And he's at war with.

No, he's sort of in the middle of this.

It's really difficult to explain, but it's like there's these like Stuttering John was on the stern show.

What's that?

That guy's still kicking around, huh?

Not anymore.

No, he went away for a little while.

No, he said he's coming back.

He like left the podcasting game.

He says he's coming back in May or something.

Now, the podcast, who are these podcasts that I always listen to, Carl used to do a regular segment on Stuttering John and what he was up to.

And then, like, Shuley took it and ran with it, and then other people took it and ran with it.

And then there was.

I like Shuley.

I don't like Shuley.

You don't like Shuley?

I don't like Shuley.

Oh, I like Shuley on the show.

All right.

I know you're a Shuley fan, but I'm not a Shuley guy.

He's not even on the show anymore, though, right?

He loves Shuley.

No, quite some time ago.

But anyway, so there's another guy named Chad Zumak who just recently faked being beaten up.

Oh.

And

he tried to put one over on everybody saying that Anthony Cumia had something to do with it.

It's so involved, all this drama and all these podcasts that are coming together.

It's like that sounds so boring.

To battle each other.

It's not, though.

No.

No, I don't know why.

It should be boring.

And there are times when I do feel like, oh, fuck this shit.

It's just

too much.

It's your man drama.

Yeah, I think it's like my housewives in Hollywood.

It's your man drama that guys

seek out.

Yeah, I need some drama.

I got nothing going on.

No.

Yeah.

We're meeting way too regularly now.

We have no stories to talk about.

I said it married Boston.

I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about.

There's nothing going on.

We are literally just dying.

You guys can't tell the audience this.

They deserve to.

They know it.

They know it.

I see it.

They're like, oh, nope.

TSD lost the fastball.

Yada yada.

It's like, yeah, man, we don't have anything going on.

We're at that age.

Well, you think it's time to wrap it up?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Or else we got to fucking create a year break.

Drama.

Not a year.

Well, I don't think we need to create any.

I think we've got something going on.

We just have to expose it.

Oh, man.

Or we just got to be the next big thing.

We got to reveal.

Or we got to be committed to doing, trying

or doing something

in between episodes that would elicit some conversation.

Right.

It just can't be like, oh, I watch TV.

Which is what what I'm doing.

I'm not looking at you your way.

I know you think I'm pointing the finger at you, but I've discovered a new show, and that's what I'm doing.

That'll be right.

What did you discover?

Frank Five turned me on to a show called The Middle that's no longer on, but

I'm loving it.

Yeah, and I'm like, how did this show exist for nine years?

I never heard of it.

It must have been the worst PR of any network show I ever heard of.

It was a regular network show, right?

Yeah, I think it was on Channel 4, but it's just a typical family show, family comedy, sitcom.

But I really like it.

And I've been binging, and I don't usually binge.

Yeah.

You're not on the binge.

So I thought we got to get something going on.

You know what?

I don't go out anymore.

No, it's in the winter.

It's.

Yeah.

I think.

And even when I do, like I did my buddy Vinny Paulino's podcast the other day, The Creep Off.

It's not like I go somewhere.

It's like I sit in my little office for an hour and

talk about it.

Yeah.

Talk about shit.

I went to see Joe DeRosa's show last night.

Oh, is he?

The crane thing.

It's fucking hysterical.

I think my wife might have a crush on Joe DeRosa.

I will see you.

She brings him up so much.

So Joe DeRosa is a comedian.

He hosts podcasts with my boy Sal, right?

Because sometimes we don't introduce what we're talking about.

That's true.

We just assume everyone knows who we know.

And he's a dark.

He's dark.

And I don't mean of swarthy complexion.

I mean, like, he is like his mind is.

Although he is Italian.

Yeah, he is.

His mind is a very dark place.

I love him.

I love him.

Yeah.

I love him so fucking much.

He does this this once.

He does this.

He's on tour now.

It's called I Never Promised You Rose Garden.

I went to see it for the first time last night.

Fucking dark isn't the word, man.

He calls it hopeless comedy.

He's like, this show will give, and he is, he's going after everybody.

He's like what you want comedians to be.

Like,

he's not trying to fucking walk a line.

He's not trying to be politically correct.

He's not trying to say the right things.

He's pointing at everything and then like, this sucks.

You suck.

This is why everything sucks.

And this is why we're all doomed.

And I fucking loved it.

And the audience was very young and they fucking ate it up and it gave me hope for future generations.

That's good to hear because when we went to see Sal last summer, I guess it was, when he was down in Atlantic City, and Joe DeRos opened for him and like Joe's style of comedy is definitely different than Sal's.

And there were, I remember there were people behind us that were like huffing and chuffing and like, that's not funny.

And I'm like, yo, yes, it is.

It's so fucking funny.

Does his bit on like why evil is good?

And I'm like, it's fucking awesome, man.

I love it.

And then he, he, yeah, he's opening for us on Minnesota, I think, too.

And he told me the other day, he's like, I'm concerned that the Joker's audience is not going to swallow my plan of comedy.

And I was like, you know what, though, dude?

I don't care.

Like, I love it.

It's not for them.

It's not for me.

It's for me to sit backstage and like listen and stuff like that.

Yeah.

Why the fuck did I say that for?

Oh, I got out of the the house.

Maybe that's why.

Oh, okay.

Nothing else going on?

Anything interesting?

Any

like

things that are bugging you?

Well, your cues sounded off maybe a segment.

And your squirrels die?

No, my squirrels are good.

Now they just, I just leave my window open and they come up to the window and they, and I just hand them a peanut while like I'll be writing it.

And they'll come up and I'll just reach over my laptop and give it to them and they'll run off.

So that's the latest with that.

I want to say thank you to Ashley who sent me a painting of Benjamin Cat.

I just got it when I got here for my birthday.

Thank you so much.

I love it.

Cried about him the other day again.

I can't get over it.

Well, I've never lost a pet that I

was.

I'm going to start crying right now.

I never lost a pet.

No, don't.

We need this.

That I was so bonded with.

I can't.

How many did you grow up with pets as a child?

I had some rabbits.

One that I loved very much.

Others were rabbits.

They say that

that helps prepare you if you've had pets that

you have to say goodbye to throughout your

when you get kind of not, I want to say get used to it, but you

the process.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never,

I guess I never went through it because this is,

I

can't get over it.

Like, I will just be sitting.

I mean, it's not like the day after where I'm like walking around tearing my hair out and shit like that.

But like, I can't walk into my office, which is where he lived, without the office in my house, without

still opening that door and being like, where is it?

Now, do you have other cats?

I know you do, right?

I have two other cats who I love very much, and they're certainly like Philly.

No, and it's like, I'm actually watching another cat now for friends.

I have three cats now.

What about it?

And I don't mean to say,

because I don't want, yeah, because I know that it could be taken the wrong way.

Well, like, that could never do it.

But I found when I lost my first dog, it was getting a puppy.

It's, you know,

I didn't, I felt a little bit of guilt where I was just like, well, it made me feel better.

You know, because you had that puppy scamping around and you kind of like forgot about, you know, feeling bad because you were kind of consumed with a puppy's needs and its antics.

Yeah, the antics are good.

I don't know.

Like a kitten would

tough to introduce a kitten to new cats.

He always has crazy territory.

Also, Chesse's now like 13 and he's getting older, so he probably wouldn't be so happy with a kitten.

So I think I'm going to let my current crop age out before I get a kitten and then maybe do that cloning thing that I keep obsessing.

But I can't get over it, man.

Well, do you think this helps or hurts, Walt?

He has this,

he used it at the Prudential Show and used it at his birthday party.

He has a a little clicker where he can press a button and hear Benjamin's meow.

Yeah.

That doesn't help, right?

No, that, yeah, that would be.

And you click it when you feel random.

Just like

click it

on stage

in the middle of performing?

People were making fun of me for having it.

Not making fun of me, but they were like, that's a bit weird.

And I incorporated it into it.

into the live show as a joke.

So it's in the live show as a joke.

But I, like, we were at the Prudential Center, and I hit the button and put it on the mic.

And it is.

Did you explain what it was?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all part of the, I tell some of the story and stuff like that on stage.

And you explained why you're doing it?

Yeah.

It gets laughs, trust me.

It got laughed.

It gets left.

Yeah.

The way that I present it gets laughed.

But there is something cool about like

sold out like Prudential Center and just hitting that button, hearing his meow fill the hole.

It's it's cathartic.

And I'm constantly searching for

these ways to feel better about it.

But

a week goes by that does not go by that I don't cry.

How long has it been?

It was in November.

Yeah.

I'm just.

It might take a little bit longer than you thought it would.

Yeah.

Is it possible he's just a baby?

It's possible.

It's possible, but it's also possible he just, you know, it's

rough.

Your, you know, unconditional love that, you know,

that

he's reminded of.

Well, you also started.

Clicker can't help

you

constantly if you're clicking that, though.

Yeah, but you ever see

how somebody's son dies in a car accident and then they get a little gold medallion with a face on it and they wear it all the time?

You want a gold medallion of Benjamin?

Oh, I already have it.

Somebody gave me.

Shea actually gave it to me for my birthday.

Is that the thing, too?

Is people giving you gifts that keep reminding you of?

No.

That's when this painted benjamin cut came in i was like uh-oh this is this might not bode well for the rest of the day like yeah like you know when when inevitably you know

socks and cooper go please don't send in pictures of french bulldogs or paintings of yeah because that yeah that just to me would be a constant like you know drudging up of

reminder yeah even though i'm sure the detentions are fantastic and and so well-meaning, though, that you just don't know if that's a good or bad thing to send something like that in.

For you, obviously,

for Amanda or whatever her name was.

Ashley.

Ashley.

It was a good thing, though.

It's a good thing.

I'm going to hang this in.

This is going to hang in my house for the rest of my life now.

But

it is just shocking to me how I'm not getting over it.

You're still talking to your shrink?

No, I haven't done that in a while.

You know, last year was so busy making the show without Joe and rebuilding it and stuff like that that I didn't really have time for it.

So you guys can do remote sessions now.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know if it's a healthy,

you know, I don't know.

I don't, you know,

I don't know.

I guess, though, what am I going to say?

I'm going to be like, I miss my friend.

I don't know what these doctors do.

I don't know what they, do they make you feel better?

Do they tell you advice and things that make you feel better?

Usually the ones that I've gone to are like, they want, they don't say, they don't ask you or advise you on shit.

They tell you things, and then you're supposed to draw your own conclusions and work your own way through it.

You know, they'll ask pertinent questions that will be like, well, you know, Q, maybe if you didn't, like, how would you feel about not carrying the clicker on you one day, you know, or like,

I don't carry it every day.

I don't have it on me now, but yeah, it's in my house more.

Like, I'll just...

I'll just press it.

Right.

And I'll take it on tour because now it's part of the show.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's just, it's, it's, I, I knew how much I love that cat.

And I'm surprised that I still can't talk to him without.

Yeah.

Getting choked up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's tough, man.

You know, it's, yeah.

Especially when you're not like super close to a lot of people.

You know, like that, that was your guy, you know?

Yeah.

But anyway, yeah, so not a lot going on.

We're still waiting for season 11 order to come in.

And if we do start working on season 11, and I think we will,

I don't think that will start up again until possibly

November, January.

So that might be a distraction.

Distraction.

Well, I'm working on other things.

This work never goes away.

You know what I mean?

I'm just not shooting jokers at the moment.

I don't know.

It's not, it's not, it's not like I'm walking around the house.

It's just I'm just not losing the sense of loss.

It's just not going away.

It's weird.

There's like, yeah, there's no.

I lost grandparents.

Yeah.

And it didn't, and it didn't drag out like this.

You know?

Yeah.

It was just really something special about that cat

relationship with me.

You were thinking about adding an addition to your family, right?

Yeah, we got shot down.

Mary Beth wants to get a dog now.

Oh, awesome.

So we applied at some shelter that was in New York City, and we got...

turned down because

the fence was like an invisible fence where you put like the collar on them and it'll give them a little zap if they go near it.

Right.

I guess that's the kind of fence we have.

Oh, they don't like that?

And they don't like that.

The trainers say it makes them aggressive and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So therefore, we can't

allow you to have a dog at this time.

Meanwhile, every, you watch TV, every homeless motherfucker on earth has a dog with them.

Everybody

on cops.

In an alleyway.

Every episode of Cops, there's 10 dogs that pile out of houses of this white trash motherfuckers.

They want you to fence in your yard?

I guess they would prefer it to be fenced in, which I was like, you just should have said I had a fence then.

I mean, how much would fence that?

I was talking to Waltz about this.

He got pressed for fences.

It was a freaking step.

It was fucking astronomical.

It made you choke how much a fence cost.

And that was probably just a chain link, right?

No, I put up one of those big vinyl

ones.

Yeah, I did it in 2003, though.

And I thought it was like out of bounds what the fence industry is charging for to put up a fence.

That was 2003.

So I can't imagine.

20 years later.

20 years later.

All the inflation and cost increases in material and all that shit.

I mean, I put up fencing around my house a few years ago, and I was two things I was shocked about: the price and the quality.

I'm like, this is what's passing

for fucking

like, like, I'm not saying chain-link fences are still the best.

They never change.

You know what you, you know what I mean?

They put them in the ground.

It's the post.

They can't fuck up the quality of that too much.

But like these heritage fences, whatever the fuck they call them, you're like, they're fucking cheap ass aluminum.

It's not going to keep out a single zombie if there's an issue.

Like

it's crazy.

Like what happened to the like wrought iron, like cool looking.

You go to Key West and like all the houses have those beautiful old wrought iron fences.

Oh, I wasn't even looking into getting one of those.

I just got like a vinyl stockade fence.

And

it's expensive.

Yeah.

And

we actually, well, I helped as much as I could help, but we wound up having to put it in ourselves.

Oh, you put the slats in one by one and something like that?

Well, you put the posts in.

Cement?

I don't remember.

I think so.

I would have to imagine.

I think so.

Debbie's dad did it, but I helped.

But as far as like, you know, do you need a glass of water?

Shelly mop your brow.

It was so long ago, though.

But I thought when you told me you were getting a dog, I was just like.

Especially from a shelter.

I was like, I don't know if they'll give him a dog because he doesn't have a fence.

Or he's going to have to invest in a fence and he's going to fucking swallow his tongue.

Yeah.

I haven't even priced him.

I was like, just tell him we have a fence.

I was like, go to one of these less attentive shelters, you know, nearby.

I don't know why she's looking at New York.

We got one right over in fucking Eaton Town.

Yeah, why New York?

I don't know.

Because she was online, and I guess she came across this place.

Yeah.

Saw some puppy that she liked.

Puppy would be great, man.

Yeah.

That'll help me mood for sure.

Yeah, I feel like because they have the cats.

Like, the cats really like Sage and Mary Beth.

So I figure I'll co-opt the dog once he gets it and I'll bring him with me everywhere.

And he can

get

one of those pit bulls that's always, you know,

attacking innocent people.

Well, you could do this.

I was thinking about this last night.

It's easier for me because I'm much older than my wife, but that doesn't mean you can't do it too.

You get, what do they call, like, like a lockbox at a

bank.

What are they called?

safety deposit box

yeah you get one of them you write a letter right

and you give the key to somebody that you trust and you'll be like only open this upon my death right or give it to debbie okay do i tell her about it no okay give it to one of the kids or something so then upon your death they open it up and it's an envelope that's marked for the police and you write like upon my death i want my wife investigated i've i've had a suspicion for some time now that she's been trying to kill me.

And then you'll write a whole letter that'll fuck with her, like posthumously.

And then, like, at the very end, be like, and also check out her search history.

I think she was on the dark web looking at some pretty sketchy stuff.

So it's not enough that your wife lost her husband.

She's also getting tortured.

Yeah, from the beyond.

I thought of that last night.

I was like, that would be great.

She'd be so annoyed.

Well, can't you?

Can't you keep the spirit of the prank with the lockbox and everything, but not have the dark

traumatic

hook.

Like, can't you keep the elements still, like, you know, like this little puzzle or whatever, and the little mystery, but at the end, it's like, just want to let everyone know I love you and I love everyone.

You know, just more what about like a feel-good message at the end.

Why does it have to be like

because they would say it would be like, this isn't from him.

Where's the threats?

Where's the

menace?

I want to make sure she's not dating Joe DeRosa as soon as I die.

The cops will tie her up a little bit.

Man, that's what I want to say about Joe Joe DeRosa.

Women fucking love that guy.

Dude, we went to the Prudential Center.

Is Joe DeRosa coming?

We went to your birthday party.

Is Joe DeRosa coming?

It's like Poochie.

It's like if Joe DeRosa isn't there, everybody should be asking, Where's Joe DeRosa?

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

It's funny because, like, sometimes I'll just, I'll just.

This guy?

That's Joe DeRosa.

Yeah, he looks like fucking Jared Fogel.

My wife's got the hots for him.

Are you?

Really?

I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure.

This guy, women love this fucking guy.

I don't think he's a bad looking guy.

I'm not saying it like, what?

But it's just like the way that you're

talking about him is like, you know, he's got...

He's like the Brad Pitt of comedy.

Yeah, like his jokes are Spanish fly.

Maybe they are because he says shit that you don't hear comedians really saying anymore.

It's

funny, you know?

It's funny.

Now I want to go see a show.

Oh, it's so good.

When you said Jared Fogel, is that that guy from Subway?

Yeah.

Is he out of jail yet?

No, I think he's still in jail yet.

2029, I think.

What do you foresee?

Like, if you had to guess

what is

his day-to-day life when he gets out, I think he probably stays home at first a lot because he still has a lot of money.

He still has money.

Yeah, I watched it.

What about all the legal bills that didn't fucking drain his bank account?

Oh, no.

And even he got a divorce.

He had to give his wife millions of dollars.

And he still is.

He had to give his victims millions of dollars, and he still has millions of dollars.

How did he acquire all these millions?

I mean, he was a spokesman for like 20 years.

I know, but really, though, but like, was Subway just drunk with fucking money?

Like, that they were just like.

Corporate endorsements, you get a lot of money.

A lot.

Yeah.

Like, you're right, like, flow from progressive or whatever it is.

You know, like, if you have a national campaign and you're on like.

Corporations usually aren't like so fucking

willingly to give you millions.

You know, usually they kind of like play.

Well, there are rules.

There are like SAG rules that they have to pay him a certain money.

You think he's in SAG for me?

Without a doubt.

But as an endorsement of a fast food company,

I watched a three-part documentary on him the other day.

It was on Hulu, I think.

And I mean, this guy was everywhere.

He was traveling everywhere as like the subway ambassador.

He was going to franchise openings.

He's going to fucking malls.

He's going to fucking concerts.

He was everywhere.

I remember seeing him around.

But it doesn't necessarily mean he's making millions, though, doing it.

Maybe they're picking up the tab for his airfield.

In this case, he had so much money.

Yeah, he had a lot of money.

But I think when he finally got busted, they estimated it was worth like $15 million.

$15?

Yeah.

Jam.

Yeah.

He still has a couple million left.

Well, I suggested to Q that they could get him on the cheap since DeRosa has his own sandwich shop.

DeRosa has his own sandwich shop?

He does.

It's at Joey Rosa's on Rivington Street in Manhattan.

Great bar.

It's a bar sandwich shop.

It's a great place to hang out.

We all love Joey DeRosa.

Walt, get up,

get on the DeRosa train.

I want the title of this episode to be Joe DeRosa Train.

And

you want to be the Jared Fogel of his.

No, I want once Jared Fogel gets out of jail to be.

You know, he could get him for a fucking song.

Oh,

I think even Jared Fogel will be like, I'm out of that game.

I just want to.

This has to be a trick.

Yeah, I am.

I got I got to keep a low profile.

I'm not doing that again.

We're going to pay you in Filipino children.

Oh,

if he has, if he gets out of jail and he's got, like, let's say after all said and done, he's got like, what, three million, four million in the bank?

He could buy a cab in the middle of nowhere and just live out his life on acreage by himself.

He's what he's going to have to do.

Well, you got to.

He's the most famous pedophile in the world.

Right?

I wouldn't have thought that, but who's bigger?

Jimmy Seville.

He's desperate.

I've never heard of him.

he's alive yeah

yeah

you probably what oh what about well at least the most famous one debstein's dead he's dead too

yeah

funny how you didn't hear anything about anybody who ever went to his island it's like one guy like

the prince guy

took all the heat for that

Did he take the heat?

He had a bullshit title taken from him and he lives in a fucking castle.

No, they made him move out.

Yeah, they give him the boots.

Now he lives in the chat.

Well, his mom did.

Now his brother's in charge.

I don't know if his brother's going to do that.

So you think could you live that life?

Could you just go to a cabin and kind of live in the middle of nowhere and that's your existence?

Yes.

You could.

I could do that even if for me the alternative isn't getting lynched wherever I go.

Yeah.

You know, not like.

Would you get plastic surgery?

If I was him?

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

You got to change your life.

I would do it.

That's a a good idea.

I would do it.

I would get hair transplants.

I would change my appearance.

Yeah.

Use those goofy glasses.

Yeah.

Huh.

Then you have more money, though.

I don't think plastic surgery is that much.

No?

No, I don't think so.

If you're a plastic surgeon, do you take him as a patient?

Knowing why he needs the plastic surgery?

Me?

No.

I'm sure there are plastic surgeons out there.

I don't want to be around that guy.

No, I'd be so creeped out.

Oh, yeah, it'd be creepy.

Look.

Yuck, Jared Folb.

Jared, what the fuck were you up to?

Yeah.

What would you guys.

I was having this conversation the other day, unless you have something else.

Yeah, I got some news stories, but nothing great.

It's a hypothetical, which I know either the audience either loves or hates.

But

let's say you woke up tomorrow in your five-year-old body.

Whatever year that was.

What year were you?

Was it

72?

72, bro.

Fucking.

that was the best time

it was america yeah back when singers really sung yeah you remember

they played their own instruments

so you wake up in your five-year-old body yeah with your current brain brain current brain five-year-old body you don't know how how it happened you don't know how long it's going to last could be the rest of your life could be a re a reset or you could be there for a day you don't know all you know is it's 1972 you wake up in your bedroom and you have every memory memory you have up till the day you left in 1923.

What do you do?

What's the move?

Aside from buying, of course, Google stock and

setting myself up.

Absolutely.

Everybody's going to go.

Was that Marty McFly?

Yeah.

You know, like where he was not buying the stocks and shit.

And he was kind of like.

Well, he tried to buy the future, the sports almanac of the future and bet on it.

Oh, yeah.

I would be buying.

All right, that all aside, we got that.

Everybody.

I'm setting myself up for a fucking big, fucking amazing adult life.

life yeah are you concerned at all

because you make too many changes you might not up end up with the same with the same family

the kids could lose it all

yeah i mean do you basically have to retrace your steps brian doesn't have to do anything

because

you know as long as his sister

marries

Weedie.

Weedie, she's going to have sage.

Right.

So that is like nothing you do probably is going to affect that.

I don't know because it's.

I don't have to play matchmaker.

Well, I don't, you got to think about it because, like, the sage result is a result of a specific sperm hitting a specific egg, right?

At the right exact moment, at the right exact moment.

So, anything you do can throw that off,

you know.

Well, unless he's in the room.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no,

it could be like this.

Like, what if he, and this, this isn't what he did, this isn't it, but what, what if he broke his sister's foot when she was

going to say something?

Get in there, get on that fence post.

Get on that fucking fence post.

Get out of here, Weedie.

Let me show you how it's done.

I thought he was going to say that too.

No, I really didn't.

I think he was going to say that.

Let's say he broke her foot and it caused her to walk a certain way.

And it doesn't do it on the reboot.

And no, it doesn't turn her off, but it made her whole body rhythm change.

Like, anything you do could change anything.

All they have to do is not fuck her.

So you're telling me that the egg

and the and the specifics,

it's a different child?

Yeah.

Why?

Because that's how biology works.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

You got to think, like, there's millions, like, yeah, and if it's a different sperm hitting the egg, you know, it's the same egg, different children.

Yeah, the odds of you being alive are, yeah, sure.

I mean, as certain as anything I can do, but but whatever.

It's like he might change it enough.

His family has more money.

Your sister doesn't fuck Weedy that day.

Fucks her on another day.

Well, then for sure you're not getting Sage.

So anything you do is going to fucking change.

So do you just write that off and be like, oh, well, Sage had, you know, she's on another timeline.

I guess I don't know.

Well, she's at another

parallel world.

You're fucked anyway, though, because when you go back to 1972,

you...

Oh, it's 81 for me, but yeah.

Okay.

You cannot

say what's going to happen tomorrow because we wouldn't have memories of what's going to happen the next day.

You got the big events.

Yeah.

You got the 9-11s, the Mets winning the 86 World Series.

The Devils in 95.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got the big events.

But like, we don't have firm, concrete memories

of what the next day holds, what we would have done because we're too young.

Correct.

So you've painted us a picture that we can't win in.

Well, inevitable that everybody.

You're millionaires.

Yes, but like, yeah, but like we are going to change

other people's lives with that,

by having that knowledge, though.

There's no doubt about it.

Does it help if you're changing their lives for the better?

I don't know.

So some people might not be born then.

They're not going to be that happy.

Right.

Well, they won't know.

Well, my thing is, like, you don't know what happened.

For all you know, you're in another timeline and this world is continuing as it always was.

Does.

Sage need to exist on every fucking timeline in every possible world?

Sometimes I think not.

So I want, you know, it's a moral quandary.

So what would you do then?

What would you do?

Just like, would you just like

force yourself to stay in your room and do nothing so you don't alter any me?

How come you?

No, fuck everybody else.

I, I, I, I like,

not at all.

No, I'm, I'm re I'm fixing every mistake I ever made.

That would be the

dilemma.

It's like, are you going in now obsessed with fixing everything that you've like, this could have been better.

Even the even the slightest thing could have been better.

You're now you can try to alter it.

Well, you're gonna make different mistakes.

Basically, almost everybody I ever dated, I'd be like, I already did it, so I wouldn't go back to do that.

Right.

So, right away, your whole history, you're making new mistakes with new people.

You don't know everything, you know, you're still fucking dealing, but you have all that wisdom and stuff like that.

I don't know.

The idea popped in my head the other day, and I know it's not an original idea, but I was like, wow, what would I do?

Do I sit my parents down and be like, Look,

I got to fucking talk to you guys.

Like, I'm your son from the year 2023.

You'd be in a psychiatrist's office, right?

I don't know.

Your parents would bring you.

Oh, what?

You're going to convince your parents in 1981 that you're Brian Quinn and in his 40s?

Can I do that?

Can you pull that off?

Can anybody do that?

Nobody could pull off.

Nobody could pull it off.

Unless you have a chain of like.

Like, if I went back to like 9.5, 2001, I'd be able to be like, I could prove it to you because the fucking world stream.

Mom, Dad, the U.S.

hockey team is going to beat Russia.

Yeah.

And you're like, well, yeah, we know it's, that's 1980.

Yeah.

It's 1981.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

Empire Strikes Back is going to do buckle.

Mom, Darth Vader is Luke's dad.

Trust me on this one.

Well, that would be significant.

Yeah.

There's some things you could pull off.

Yeah.

You know?

Especially like a young kid with a spoiler like that, like before the movie even comes out.

You would freak your parents out, though.

They would would be terrified.

Yeah.

Because they'd be like, you have a brain tumor or

something's obviously something is amiss.

You're like a Damien type kid, like some kind of spooky kid.

They don't want to be around.

I remember once I saw this guy throw an apple at my brother's head, my older brother's head.

It was a guy he was friends with, but they had some sort of falling out.

And we were in the playground, and this guy whipped an apple at my brother's head and hit his head.

And it always struck me as like, he's my older brother.

I was so young at the time I couldn't do anything about it.

But it's one of those things that sticks with me where I'm like man I'd love to fucking beat the shit out of that fucking kid for hitting my brother with an apple and I might go a little too much on it I might fucking just

but if you relive that moment you're still in that little body though yeah but I have the confidence so is he that kid's got a little body too you just have the confidence that you could

that you could that you could do it or just go ham like bring a knife to the playground that day and be like you ever fucking throw another apple my brother I'll fucking cut your throat and that's what ham means hard as a motherfucker.

Oh,

I never heard that before.

Is that something you coined?

That's a rap.

No, no, that's a rap.

That's a put that on his shirt.

Yeah, I'm going ham.

No, it's an old rap.

That's an old rap.

Which song was that from?

Let me see if I can look at it.

Use that on the kids' day when you go home.

Like, you don't want to see me go fucking ham, girls.

I've seen get him go ham.

It's what do you mean?

What do you mean?

It's not, I would never, that's when he's literally eating ham like a madman.

One of those dak hams you buy at CVS.

There you go.

Kanye West and Jay-Z.

This song's called Ham.

I'm About to Go Ham hard as a motherfucker.

So there you go.

So I didn't make that up for sure.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Two ham.

But is life a little empty, though?

Because you know

you can't go see any movies because you know how they're going to turn out.

I could write the movies before they come out.

Suddenly.

Oh, suddenly clerks is a bribe with them.

But But yet, like you said, you can't go see Star Wars.

You can't go see Return of the Jedi.

You know what's going to, what the outcome is.

I was like, is there a certain emptiness to this, a certain sadness?

Maybe.

I still, maybe.

You know, you can't, no new TVs.

Everybody's talking about fucking sopranos.

You're like, yeah.

I know who killed JR before everybody else does.

I still don't think that would be the focus of my

first thing would be like, I mean, don't you, you got to get, because you don't know how long you're going to be there, but you you got to get that Google Apple stock order in, right?

Like, that's the first thing you got to do.

Yeah, you got to figure out

how to parlay that as a young boy.

Yeah.

There's a lot of people.

Yeah, because it would be tough to convince your parents, because you don't have any money as a kid.

Be like, just buy Walmart stock, I promise you.

And then be like, shut up, Lil Brian.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I think if he has a string of fucking

Swadamus-like kits.

Yeah, that they're going,

I would believe.

It wouldn't take much to convince me.

Like one of your daughters came up to you.

Yeah, like if she threw out like five fucking drop-down, like fucking jaw-dropping facts that actually came to pass.

Yeah.

She came at you all ham.

Yeah, I would be like, I would be invested.

I would start investing, too.

But there, again, there's like, you got to, like, there's so much responsibility that you should.

be using for the greater good.

What do you do about 9-11?

Exactly.

What do you do?

Do you just like sit back or do you

try to become

an agent for the government?

You become obsessed with making sure you're employed in the FBI or the home of Homeland Security.

Well, you don't think it's not enough to just make a bunch of

anonymous phone calls that week?

You know what I would say?

The specific flights, the specific

stuff.

I would like people that I don't like, I would invite them to lunch at Windows in the World that day.

So you just let it go.

Like, I fuck it, but let me get this guy up there.

Fuck him.

I don't think I'd want it.

You wouldn't want it.

I don't think I'd want it.

Like, I don't think I want it.

I think there would be too much pressure.

See your grandparents again.

Yeah.

Too much pressure.

Too much pressure.

But then you know when they're going to die, too.

Well, my grandparents smoked.

Yeah, so they're mine.

So maybe I'm maybe I'm extending their life by 15, 20 years by getting them to quit smoking.

You think you could do it?

I think I could do it.

I feel like my 70s grandma, hard drinking, would not listen to me.

I'm sure, Brian, I quit.

I'll see you later.

And as soon as you're out the doors, just fucking lick.

My grandma loves me.

Thinks I'm smart.

Yeah, no, I would have to convince a whole family that I'm from the future.

But then I would know that she didn't quit because she did die anyway.

And so I'd be like, well, who knows?

Different timeline, man.

You don't know what's going to happen.

But I feel like eventually, though, the weight of the world would become too much for somebody who knows as much as you would know, though.

And your

inactions and the misery that you could stop would just become maddening.

Yeah.

You're seeing people like, oh my God, I forgot about this girl that got kidnapped.

And then they found her, you know, cut up in a million pieces.

I could have stopped that, you know, this story from 19.

So it's like Quantum Leap almost, where you're like jumping in and like, you got to fix things.

You would be like, how could you live with yourself?

Let's all your fucking fat money made by stealing from other artists.

And now, that's okay.

That's one sin right there, multiple sins.

But now, people are dying

from famous stories that were in the news, and you could have stopped it.

I don't know how, but you would have to figure it out.

Well, I can, any serial killers that I remember, I can send anonymous notes to the FBI.

This is John Wayne Gacy.

Eventually, these anonymous things get together.

I know, they're coming back to me.

Like, you use all your powers just to rat on people.

Oh, but think about the fun part of it.

Like, I can go see you guys working at the rec center.

You know what I mean?

As a child?

Well, what years did you work at the rec center?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, you wouldn't be a child then.

Yeah, I'm growing.

Well, it would have been like 80.

When did you start?

Because I started like 88.

86.

Yeah, you started 86.

Okay, so I was 10, 11.

Yeah.

If by then I've convinced my parents that I'm from the future.

You have a chauffeur.

Right.

Yeah.

So then I could just come and like watch you guys do it.

And stuff.

I'd have to become friends with you guys somehow.

Yeah.

I'm not taking the same path on anything.

Would you trust us immediately?

Like, well, I'm 19, he's 19.

Would you trust 19-year-old versions of us with your secrets?

Come in the bathroom with me.

No, absolutely not.

No, no.

You don't even know me at 19.

I know, I know.

I don't think you'd believe me.

I just don't.

I'd have to find a way to make you guys my friends without the path that we took to get there.

Well, why wouldn't you divulge this information?

We couldn't fuck it up for you.

Because I know you.

I've known you for 30 years.

Neither of you are going to believe me.

Ryan, I might get to believe me eventually.

But

I don't know, man.

There were certain people like Benjamin Cat.

I got him from a bartender in a bar.

Like, I'd have to figure out how to get that again.

The girl I was dating was working in the bar with him, and that's how I got him.

So, like, I'd have to figure out another way to get him.

Why don't you just 100% commit yourself to living the same exact life?

Then I don't think it's possible.

Try.

And I don't want to.

I don't want to live the same life.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't want to.

A lot of things I've done, I don't want to do again.

Real estate, you can buy this cheap-ass property that you know is going to be fucking huge.

I've thought about like even a shorter period of time.

I'm like, if I could go back to 2010

and just do things differently for the last 13 years, that would have been awesome.

But then I'm like, if I did things differently, then I wouldn't have ended up like things would have changed.

You know, who knows if I dive Sage, Mary Beth, you know, like tell him Steve Dave Pot.

Like, you just, you don't know.

So, like, I guess I had to go through all that bullshit just to get where you kind of want to be.

So, you don't think you would take the opportunity to go back

and try a different path?

No, I don't think so.

Cause it would be too, I think, I think, Walter, you would be too overwhelmed with decisions on, like,

with other people.

You remember, like, that the Elizabeth Smart girl, John Bonet Ramsey,

Polyclass.

Yeah, all these, like, I would be like constantly being like,

I gotta, I gotta

get to them first.

Before they get what if you could stop it,

right?

But then there's no time then, because then you fall into the trap of like

not the trap, but like your

and it should be the way.

You're your

every waking moment is to is to help save somebody else's misery because you can.

God.

Rather just stay where it is.

Yeah, really?

I'd rather sit home day after day watching cops

helping everybody.

I don't know, man.

It would be pretty fun, man, to see the world as it used to be.

Yeah.

I know Walt watches a lot of shows from the 70s, and I like watching

things like Rockford Files, where you see old L.A., like L.A.

in the early 70s.

It's really cool.

I recognize this area, but it looks so different now, you know.

They have these, there's a YouTube channel that takes old-timey footage from like 1920s, 1910s.

Yeah, I've seen that channel.

And they, they, they, you know, how they always walk like fast.

Yeah, they're always looking at the camera.

Yeah, they correct it so they're walking normally, and then they colorize it, and then they add ambient noise.

And it's like you're watching New York City in like 1920, and it's like crazy.

And then what I'll do is I'll go, the pandemic was rough on all of us, right?

We had a lot of time to sit around, and we, and I'll go to like Google Street Map if I don't recognize, you know, some places you're like, oh, fuck, I know that building.

I've been in that building 100 years later, but I'll go on Google Maps and look at the buildings that they look like now.

And they're all, I mean, not they're not all there, but like so much of it is still there.

Going back to your scenario, though, would you feel like

you earned nothing?

Like you never really had to earn anything?

I don't know.

I fucking feel that way now.

You played the system.

The system put me in that position.

I didn't ask to go back to that.

They sent me back.

But, like, where are your achievements, your real achievements?

I still achieved everything I achieved.

It's just in a different timeline.

Yeah, but in a way that with an unfair advantage over people,

other people vying for the same things you want, but you get them because you have this incredible Rolodex of information that nobody else has access to.

You earn nothing on your own.

This is true, but these are the cards I was dealt.

Like, what am I supposed to do?

Not achieve anything, though?

I mean, there's plenty of you still got to call the shop.

You can go, like, and admit yourself to, like, to what's that, what's that hospital on Staten Island where Geraldo busted into?

Oh, Willowbrook.

And get some electric shock treatments to try to like remove the memories.

Mom, dad, I'm going to take my bike down to Willowbrook.

I'll be back by the time the street lights go on.

Oh, man.

And then you try to remove the memories and

almost kind of like go into like a dull state.

And just have the same shitty life there.

I mean, I'm sure lobotomies are really loud back then still.

I wouldn't really go for it.

Even the playing field.

That's the way BQ would.

That's the way I thought BQ would want to roll.

On an even playing field.

I grew up on an even playing field.

I didn't.

You didn't?

No.

We were the have-nots growing up, you know?

But at the end of the day, not the have-nots and like I lived in a fucking dirt shack.

Yeah, but at the end of the day,

you had just as much a chance as anybody else to claw your way to the top.

But you don't think that you have to question

why you were allowed to go back in time?

Like, you don't think like there's a reason I did this and I just have to follow my own instincts

and make use of this gift?

I think to lobotomize yourself is to reject that gift.

How many sessions do you think it would take?

I don't know anything about it.

Well, the bottom of one session, ECT, you might have a couple.

You end up looking like Jack Nicholson.

But you can go to Subway and be like,

hey, that's Jared.

You should hire Joe DeRosa because you're going to get the same product, except he's not going to touch kids.

I feel like after watching that documentary, I feel like Subway was told that a few times.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It seemed like they had not

whistleblowers, tell them, and they looked the other way.

Yeah, there was a lady on there who was like, look, like, I was talking to him out of nowhere.

He was just like, I really like teen girls.

girls.

And it sort of, she sort of like thought it was a joke and blew it off, but it turned out like it wasn't so much a joke.

And then they have tons of like, and it was like the guy who ran his foundation was also like a child porn guy.

So he got busted first, and that's when they started looking into Jared.

Don't you think Subway kind of escaped it unscathed?

I think they did pretty well.

Chipotle took more shit for giving people Salmonella.

I feel like they kind of

got out of it as well as you could, I think.

Dance through the raindrops.

Yeah, I feel like people weren't like cancel Subway and

nobody really,

as far as I can recall, didn't take them to task.

And I don't know if now finding out, even though they may have known, I still don't think that they're going to pay a

price, a hefty price for their.

I don't remember them talking about it a ton.

Like, I think they just wanted it to go away.

Like, he got busted.

There There was the news.

They issued their statement.

And I just don't remember them talking that much about it afterwards.

You know, like, he got, he went to trial, he went to jail, and that was it.

How'd they get away with it?

Well, I guess, what do they?

I mean, I didn't know they knew.

If they knew, then that's fucking.

It seemed like some people may have known about his predilection for.

It's weird.

A corporation is a weird thing because you can't blame the corporation.

The corporation is a piece of paper.

Right.

And all those people that work there are probably not there anymore.

So it's like you can't even be like, I mean, I guess you can.

I don't know, man.

Jared put us all in a fucking pickle here, man.

I know.

Even though he's paying protection money, got his ass kicked in jail.

Can he really?

Yeah.

It was a couple of years ago.

He got beaten up by some guy who was.

You still think he has millions left?

Oh, yeah.

I think he's paying people in jail.

You still think he's got enough left?

Yeah.

I think so.

I don't think he'll come out a pauper.

See, I would think in jail, once you pay once,

like the price just goes up daily.

Oh, you mean to protect you?

Otherwise, they turn out.

Yeah, I don't know.

Once you get that one payment, like, oh, he did, he paid?

Then fuck it.

No, I'm going to go.

I'm going to.

I'm just doubling it.

Every time you pay, I'm doubling it because I know you can pay.

Right?

So

I would fucking pay.

But then, I mean, eventually he'll just get somebody that'll be more reasonably priced.

I mean, I'm sure you can shop around in jail.

There's more than one guy willing to protect you.

Although, like, that is like, because I know they don't like child molesters and rapists in jail.

Like, they usually get a hard time.

But if you're going to protect one, like, what is that?

It's like, do you get a pass for that?

You know, like, hey, great question.

I thought there were specific wings for creeps like that.

Yeah, I think there are like protective wings for guys like that.

But still, there's, there's people that want it.

Like, if he goes, I remember he was in the yard or something.

Like, somebody came up and punched him in the face.

Like, he was all bloody.

His glasses were all bloody.

Fuck him.

I thought I remembered, man, maybe it was a cop or

fuck man.

It might have been my ex's brother was a prison, was a corrections officer.

Somebody told me that, like, the that they have their own wing and it's the most well-behaved wing because if you misbehave in that wing you get sent to jail pocket

everybody in that wing one has long hair oh that was what he told me they they all have long hair because they won't go to the barber shop because something something will happen to them in the barber

throat cut or something yeah so so they're all the most well-behaved prisoners because they they do not want to go to jan pop is whatever i mean that was i was told that in the late 90s so you know who knows if that's still the case or ever was Makes sense.

I almost was, I don't know if I ever told you the prison.

I almost became a guard in a prison.

Yes.

Yeah.

So you saw two dudes sucking dick.

Well, I didn't see his cock, but because I thought it was in the other dude's mouth.

Well, you said he had like a towel on his head or something, right?

Yeah.

But again,

I may have been creating, like, in my mind, a scenario to panic me to say, like, like, my mind may have been helping me decide something that wasn't there so I would run away.

Okay.

like I may have had like a, like, a, like, uh,

like, a, some sort of like

out-of-body

something experience because I was such a, I thought it was such a bad move on my part, but I was trying to convince myself that this was a good move, this would be my career.

Yeah, my every fiber of my body was off-screen.

You can't do this.

You, you boss man.

You can't do this.

You should have stepped right in and broke him up.

Well, they were like, get that cock out of your mouth.

There's a new sheriff in town.

He don't take the cocksucking boys.

But I also.

I'm going ham.

I don't think it really was happening because there was more than a few people in the cell.

They were behind bars.

And I think that that would be frowned upon by the, like, they wouldn't want that to be shown to a civilian.

Right.

I think the other prisoners would also might be like, yo, guys.

Yeah.

But he had it.

But as I recall, what I saw, and again, I may have been having some sort of delusional

period.

Not a fantasy.

Not a fantasy.

A nightmare.

A living nightmare.

Can I work overtime?

I start right now, right?

I'm a guard now.

I'm going to go cock in.

I mean, clock in.

I'm ready to start right now.

But no, I remember they walked me through, and there was a whole bunch of people in that cell.

It was a big cell.

And there was a guy sitting on the, on a,

like a long,

not a couch, but like a

long board against the wall with a, with a mat on it.

Okay, yeah.

Normally referred to as benches?

Yeah, like a bench.

He was sitting on it, and he was looking around like...

like you know like like a hitchhiker waiting for or waiting for a bus or something okay like his head's on a swivel there's another guy with his with his

head in his lap.

Right.

Maybe he was consoling him.

And I don't know if he was laying there just like taking a, getting a, catching a couple Z's or he was actually doing what I thought he was doing.

Yeah.

And, but in my mind, I was like, oh my God.

What room was it?

What type of room was it?

It was a ward.

It was like a, it was like a cell and you could just smelled like,

you know what it smelled like.

A locker room on fucking steroids.

Oh, gross.

Yeah.

And I was like, I'm going to do this every day of my life.

I'm going to come in and I'm going to have to be the guy that's like, hey, knock it off.

See, I feel like

what would be good as a corrections officer in as much as

the only thing probably would be he wouldn't, I don't think he would take shit from people.

He would like, he wouldn't listen to sob stories.

He wouldn't have any sympathy.

Yeah.

Oh, come on, come on, boss.

You know, my fucking lady didn't put any money on my books.

Blah, blah, blah.

I feel like he wouldn't have any sympathy for the prisoners.

Yeah.

I don't think he would be unnecessarily cruel to them at the same time.

No, no.

I think I would do the least amount as possible to not have contact, to not have to

do my job

and to just try to not get fired by doing the least possible interaction.

You've just described every job I've ever had.

Oh, I thought you kicked that shit up in the high gear when I was guy.

to spin,

it's a spin zone.

Yeah, I remember, I remember

coming home with that story, and because

you know, Deb really was like, You mean you need to get a real job, you know, and like, and she was just like, You're just making up because you don't want to go back.

And I'm like, I don't think I am, I don't think I am.

I really think I saw that because that would not be happening, and I was just like, I think it does happen, I think it happened.

Yeah, well, just respect to Deb, how would she know?

Yeah, right?

How much does she know about the male prison population and

acceptable?

It's not.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I'm going to have to put a stop to it right here and draw the line at your expertise on men's prison populations.

But it's very possible that I concocted it all in an effort to just give myself trauma to not take that job.

Yeah.

You made the right choice.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I thought it doubted.

You would add some great stories, though.

Yeah, but at what cost?

No, maybe get a lot of stuff.

I got shit thrown all over you.

What are those?

Jenkum.

What are those bombs called?

Rainbow Bomb?

No,

they have a certain name, and you get gassed.

Yeah, gas bomb.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Gast again, Deb.

Seems you know so much about prison.

I guess they don't do that either.

Let's talk about ink, prison ink, maybe.

I don't know.

Ink.

Concrete tattoos.

Oh,

I know this guy.

You know this guy, right?

Yeah.

Concrete tattoos is a tattoo shop in Elizabeth, New Jersey, established in 2020.

Joey.

Joey's a really nice guy.

I met Joey from Concrete Tattoos.

He's on one of our new Patreon shows.

You're going to see him on upcoming episodes.

Yeah.

Does he do good tattoos?

Because I've been looking to get a tattoo.

He does really fine work.

And this was told to me by somebody who has a lot of tattoos.

Jimmy has a ton of tattoos.

He got a tattoo for an upcoming episode of Mystery Inc, and he gave me the thumbs up on Joey.

Really?

Because he has his own guide.

Like, Jimmy had his own guy that he trusted to give him Inc.

Okay.

And this is the first time he got somebody else doing it, and he was very happy with the Joey of Concrete Tattoos work.

Well, maybe I'll, maybe I'll go to maybe.

What are you looking to get?

Well, I want to get the four-colored demons patch on my arm.

Really?

And then I want to.

I've been saying this for 15 years, but I do want to eventually sleeve this arm.

Yeah.

I just, I never get around it.

That's a good time, huh?

Well, I got to work out a little bit first.

My arms are, let's say, I'm getting sandkicked in the face at the beach these days.

If you'd like a tattoo of Jell-O on my arm, please.

Yeah.

So four-colored demons.

I may get like some Benjamin Cat thing.

But I don't know.

I would like, I think.

Gonna get the sleeve, huh?

A loose.

You know how they do it where it's like Sailor Jerry style.

It's not necessarily connected.

How many tats you got right now?

One.

You got the Superman, right?

I got Superman.

I got the Word.

I got Staten Island.

So three.

Is that all I have?

Oh, four.

I have the cat one that I got on the show.

So four.

That's a big commitment, though, to go sleeve.

Established in 2020, they collectively have over 25 years of experience in the tattoo industry, and there are four artists that cover every style imaginable.

The owner of the shop, Joey, is a die-hard ant and has been an avid listener in tattooing tattooing for over 10 years.

Get $50 off your first tattoo at Concrete Tattoos if you arrive to your appointment wearing any Tell'em Steve Dave merchandise.

Well, well, well, I like that.

You could go decked out in a TSD tuxedo.

Yeah, if you were head-to-toe in ant stuff, man, you might get a free tattoo.

I don't know.

You can check out their work on Instagram at Concrete Tattoos.

That's at Concrete Tattoos.

C-O-N-C-R-E-T-E, T-A-T-T-O-O-S.

For pricing and availability, visit their website, concrete tattoos.com, and catch Joey on the next episode of Jimmy the Hair Guy's Mystery Inc.

on Patreon.

Episode two, coming up probably in

April.

All right.

Patreon.com/slash tell'em Steve Dave.

I'm actually working with Concrete Tattoos.

I'm designing a t-shirt for Joey.

Oh, are you?

Yeah.

All right.

He asked me if I would provide some art for a t-shirt for his shop.

Speaking of Mystery Inc., the director and editor, Victor.

Right.

Poor Victor.

What happened to to him?

He's back in the hospital.

He's back?

Yeah,

he's got stones in the places where

stuck where you don't want them.

Like where I had to go.

Oh, man.

Like, nobody knows the trouble me and Victor have seen

or felt.

Yeah, really.

Our doctor saw the trouble.

Victor told me, you know, he got out and he went and he did a bro side with us recently, and he was telling me about his experience.

Then he told me about the medication they gave him, and I was shocked at that they're basically giving him like Advil for like what seems to be extreme pain.

Yeah, because I've heard you guys are pretty bad.

Now, I don't want to paint a picture that I'm feeling the same pain that Victor felt because when I went to the emergency room, I thought I had stones, and the orderly laughed at me.

It was like, if you had stones, you wouldn't even be able to stand up.

Or, you know,

they giggled when I said I might have a kidney stone because they're like, nah, you don't have a kidney stone.

You got no respect to hospitals, do you?

No.

You got yelled at, you got laughed at.

Which which to me said a lot, though.

Like, if if that orderly is saying, you know, like, you know, if you had a kidney stone, you wouldn't even be able to even talk.

It would be, that's how painful it would be.

Yeah.

But he's got them in his urethea.

Or urethra?

And some other thing that begins with UR.

So there's two areas.

But I think they both are a very close proximity to the pee-pee hole.

Right.

Damn.

And I don't don't think you can laser blast them.

So you got to like, they got to open them up and take them out.

He said that he's done.

He is done with dark soda.

Dark soda?

Salty foods.

He said that's the culture.

So that's what's doing it to him?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But poor Lesbo, a shout out to Victor.

Hopefully, he recovers and rebounds.

Yeah, really.

And men's on the quick.

It's not good, cute, when you

can't use all your God-given abilities to their fullest use.

No, women get them too.

Kidney stones.

Oh, yeah, my wife had them.

And I knew one woman who gave birth and had kidney stones and said the kidney stones were worse.

Yeah.

My wife got them one time, and I remember being terrified because she's not one to

go into bed and lay down.

I think she can get a leg taken off, and she'd be up cleaning

in an hour.

I never see her slow down.

and she was on her back with kidney stones crying.

Oh, that's scary.

Yeah.

I think Mary Beth might have kidney stones because she hasn't been up and cleaning in quite some time.

I wonder if Deb might come over and visit.

I'll have to check, see if her leg's missing.

Nope, you still got two of them, huh?

I don't know why this kitchen's so messy then.

Oh, it's crumbs.

Yeah.

Bought that stick back for what?

To not vacuum?

Okay.

Turn the room on.

I'm sleeping.

All right, honey.

Yeah, I believe that.

I believe that's the response.

Okay, honey.

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Now, there has never been a a better time to start a podcast.

Hardly anybody has them.

The landscape has changed since when we started Tell'em Steve Dave, right?

The podcasting.

I remember trying to explain to people what a podcast was.

I was like, it's a radio show on the internet.

Sal was like, I don't get it.

Why would people listen?

And I had no answer from then.

I don't know, but he has two podcasts at least.

Is there too much competition?

And has the podcasting game,

as some have as have posted, I've seen that

we're kind of been left behind

in the podcasting world.

We're not as innovative, I've seen people say, and

they think we need to add more guests.

That that's the key to.

We got Cardiff coming up.

Maybe I can get Joe DeRosa to come in.

Yeah.

Guests.

That's what yeah, someone wrote that, like they want it to be an interview show.

They said that like they that this this podcast needs something after all these years, and maybe they should think about booking guests.

I'm curious what the listenership thinks, because I've always saw a pushback to that.

I remember I

thought that one time.

I said, maybe we should see if we can get somebody to book guests.

And I got a lot of emails saying, no, what I love about TSD is it's just you guys, it's not guests.

That's what I love.

But yeah,

some people are saying, you know, maybe to inject

a little energy into an 18-year-old's pod.

No, not yet, right?

We started in 2010.

It's a 13-year-old.

It's a 13-year-old pod.

I could, you want me to try and get DeRose in here?

Sure.

All right.

He'll be our first.

He'll be the new Telamste Day's first guest.

I'm not Telamary Beth.

Oh, yeah.

She'll be down here all fucking gussied up.

But we could hire a...

Not a crumb to be seen up.

She'll vacuum here.

She'll vacuum around Joe's seat and shit.

But we could look into getting, like, acquiring and paying somebody to

get guests for us.

We could.

I mean, look,

I have, you know, especially in this last year, met a lot of high-profile people just through the show and through like going around and stuff like that.

But I try not to talk about that stuff because every time I do, people are like, he's a star fucker.

You know, I'm like, I have great stories.

I'm just kidding.

I got great fucking stories that I can't tell because the audience doesn't want to hear them.

But I got fucking awesome stories, but nobody wants to hear them because the other person involved is famous.

So I don't tell them.

Usually the stories are just like how you get up on stage

with Brett Michaels, sing fucking, you know, talk dirty to me, and nobody can reread to them.

You want to hear how I'm living all your dreams?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it.

It's not that I don't get it.

I get it.

So I don't talk about it.

But I would love to have at...

at our disposal somebody that can be like, hey, you know what I would like to talk to who's died and has written a book about going to heaven and coming back.

Okay.

All right.

I wanted, that's the kind of guest that I would like to have.

That's better.

Along with, like, you know, I would love rock stars too.

Yeah.

Give us Rob Zombie.

That'd be awesome.

No, I think you're right.

I think you just put a spot on.

We never turned down Rob Zombie.

Don't you remember?

We never turned down Rob Zombie.

We did when Mary Elizabeth, she said that she could have gotten Rob Zombie.

And I was, and I remember not wanting to have him on because I'm like, I don't want to have to sit here and pretend I think Sherry Moon Zombie is awesome.

Right.

Well, why would it be?

Why couldn't he just not bring up his wife's name?

I don't know.

And just be like, I love this part of your your your your your catalog and I love this this and this and usually you don't bring up what you don't like to put him on the spot yeah I don't really care for his movies either so it's like only his music I guess we would talk to him about well you don't have to talk to him about his music he loves hot culture he loves hard stuff yeah that's true I love his his shtick

yeah his monster shtick well his schlock shtick yeah say that fucking three times

oh wow okay

He's a mattress.

I have some minor issue with our listeners, with the ant, with some specific ants.

I know, I saw that.

What the fuck?

They went on Twitter and they start telling Kevin.

Oh, the secret.

Yeah, I didn't get that either.

Do that.

Like, it's not even, it's just no fun in that direction.

No.

Like, the fun is watching me squirm.

Even I know that.

Not blasting it out.

I'm going to go on the assumption that they didn't listen to the episode where you asked not to tell, and they kind of gave it away without knowing.

But they got to be included.

Oh, Kev, what do you think about this?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's just like this.

I never.

This is the anthill, man.

You keep things fucking insulated.

Dude, like, it's so much funnier to watch me squirm on that QA when Kevin finds out for the first time.

And now it's out.

You're just like, what the fuck?

Like, why would you do that?

I couldn't stand the listeners, like, back when I was working for Kev, who would, because I knew they would do it.

If, like, you said anything a little bit

out of the box, they would be immediately like, oh, Kevin, did you hear what your fucking employee said about this?

Oh, that would happen.

Yeah.

I would always see that.

Little fucking tattletale bitches.

Don't you guys understand?

Not all you, not obviously, not all of you, not even the, not even most of you, but like, don't you understand that like we can't, we then can't say those things if you go blabbing, which means you're just cutting off

good content.

We gotta talk about fencing.

I know.

Yeah, let us go.

Let us go.

Let us see how much trouble we get into.

I got a fence guy coming next week to talk about it.

On the episode, bring him in.

In depth.

Is it the owner of a fencing company or is it somebody who just works for a fencing company?

I want to talk to somebody who owns.

I want to see what kind of profit margins there are in fucking

being in the fencing business.

I know somebody who had a very close friend in the fencing business who got out of it because the margins were so slim, they said, that they just could not make it.

Yeah, like

a known fencing company in the area.

They were just like after 20 years or something, they're like, fuck it, man.

I can't make any money.

So I think it might be that the materials are just so expensive.

Not that labor is cheap.

Wow.

I would have thought the opposite.

Yeah.

I would have thought so too.

Yeah.

We'll get that guy on.

He's so much better than

fucking letting potentially dangerous nuggets slip because it would keep the fucking mouth shut.

Oh, man.

Mugg's the word.

And I looked at the Twitter account of the guy who said it to Kevin.

He's clearly a fan.

Like, it's all,

he's got it in his bio.

He's got a picture of him with the four codes.

Let's err on the side of caution.

He probably hadn't listened to the episode where you made the plea.

Well, if you listened to the Patreon episode, you tell me he didn't listen to the episode of the next.

No, the episode where you went on.

He must have listened to the Patreon episode, but I'm going to err on the side that he probably didn't realize you had put out a request to

keep it in-house.

Yeah.

That's how I was.

I don't want to believe that there's spiteful ants out there.

Oh, you don't?

I don't want to live.

I don't want to believe that, though.

Nobody wants to believe it, but we know.

Just to prove you can't please everyone all the time, like Mary Beth has been going through all the old episodes when we used to be on the Smodco network and cutting out like that 10 minutes of Smodco bullshit.

Yeah, which I was great.

Everybody hates it.

All these, yeah, they didn't like it.

Some people complain.

They're like, wait, you're taking all that out.

I like listening to that stuff.

It reminds me back in the day.

It's like, are you fucking kidding me?

These are shows that don't exist anymore.

These are dates for Kevin that he did fucking eight years ago.

Like, why the fuck would you want to listen to that shit?

I have tried to stop trying to, like, I told Giddem that I wanted to be the NASA of podcasting where I want 100% approval.

Like, you know, NASA doesn't, NASA doesn't fucking go with like, oh, it's 99% good, good enough.

We'll fucking let that rocket go up.

And Giddam to, you know, sat me down.

He's like, you're never going to be able to do it.

He said, you're never going to be able to please 100% of the audience.

And I was like, doesn't mean I have to stop trying, though.

Well, you can't chase it either.

I think what's worked for us is a general sort of indifference towards what the audience wants, and we just do what we want to do.

So sometimes, sometimes, though, they have great ideas.

Yeah, great ideas.

Yeah, but sometimes, you know,

I have listened, though.

Yeah.

Well, when you were you were like, you talked about God too much and people got all worked up about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Believing

in any form.

Like, I saw some post that was like, I can't stand Walt because he reminds me both of a Christian and a Jew.

The way he used to

means that he used to

constantly do ads for the stash.

Just, you know, like, he reminds me of

the worst of both aspects.

How is that either Christian Christian or Jewish?

I have no.

That's what he wrote, though.

That's what he wrote.

I mean, it was your job.

We were recording in the stash.

Right.

Not allowed to fuck you.

Hey, I, you know, like Giddam said, you know, you're never going to please 100% of all the people all the time.

And I bet you some of the people complaining don't even just want to complain.

They don't even feel.

They don't even believe what they're saying.

They're just trying to fucking stir you up.

Probably.

Yeah.

I never understood that aspect, though.

Me and Brian have.

Yeah.

I got a story.

Oh, yeah, it's a sad one, though, because I never would have thunked this.

Saw it the other day, and it made my heart sink.

Believe it or not,

Tom Brady's 13-year-old son faces bullying in his life.

I believe it.

Yeah, that doesn't seem that hard to believe.

Considering they probably send him to a private school.

I think anything that makes you different as a kid makes you open up for it.

It's about like your parents are that famous and that rich.

But you're in a private school, probably with just as rich, maybe not as much as famous as

yeah, but probably with the same amount of bank that if you're going to the same private school, though.

I just was shocked, like, I'm searching, like, what on earth would the kids be bullying him about?

Oh, your dad wants seven Super Bowls.

Oh, your dad's a goat.

Your dad's a good kisser.

Oh, yeah.

As if everybody at this table wouldn't fucking have love for their father to give them that kind of like fucking attention so he wouldn't be so fucked up now.

If my father came at me that close at that age, I would have been terrified.

Like maybe when I was younger.

Yeah, even now I'd be like, what are you doing, old man?

I would think he was falling or something.

Yeah,

I'm like 12, 13.

All my issues about not feeling that I, like, why I don't talk to people is because I don't feel like I have anything worthy to say to anybody.

All comes because my dad wouldn't kiss me.

Okay.

It does.

I don't think because he didn't kiss you, maybe because of like unique relationships.

I'm talking about the over

kissing just doesn't mean, you know, like

the affection.

Yeah, it means the affection and it means the

supporting and the telling them that they do have something interesting to say or they're

worthy of somebody else's attention.

Yeah.

I feel like that.

I'm all really fucked up because I didn't get kissed.

Yeah, but you're asking kids to understand that as opposed to being like, his dad kisses him, which is way easier to fucking

get on.

You gay for your dad.

I was going to say, like, I've read stories in the past weeks.

Like, there was a 12-year-old girl who hanged herself because she kept getting bullied at school.

It's like, those stories are all over the place.

I don't particularly feel for the fucking Richie Rich.

Why not?

How do you know he hasn't been close to doing something?

I don't know that.

I'm saying I feel worse for the kids who have done it.

Yeah, but like, let's put him in the same fucking boat.

Just because he's Tom Brady's son doesn't mean he doesn't feel just as much hurt as a normal, quote-unquote, normal kid.

He probably does.

He's a normal kid.

You're right.

He probably does.

I'm just saying I feel worse for the people who've been bullied into suicide.

I mean, look, we all got bullied as kids.

We all did.

Yeah, it was just part of it.

Yeah.

So

I didn't do any bullying.

I just

didn't get bullied that often, but like it happened, but I never really

did it.

I just feel like you could shut down the bully so quick.

How you just be like, Dad, come in the class and show off your fucking seven massive Super Bowl rings to shut these fucking twats up.

What do you think?

The kids are gonna see the Super Bowl rings and be like, I guess I, I guess I was wrong.

Yeah, I gotta pone.

Yeah, that's a pwn.

I don't know.

That is a major.

You're a class full of Walt Flanagan's, yeah.

But if it's like I'm in that class, I'm like, I don't give a fuck about his bull then trot in the fucking super hot mom, then.

Okay.

Hold on now.

Yeah.

Go on.

I'm interested.

Yeah.

You know, I don't, I don't.

How did you come to that realization about yourself?

About what?

That you feel your confidence has been so affected by the weak relationship with your father?

Oh, probably.

There was a, there was an episode.

It came from an episode of Tell Home Steve Dave.

Really?

Yeah.

You guys kept saying, oh, I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And it really fucked me up for like a week

because I felt really like off and weird.

And I was like, why do I feel weird about that?

And I like over like a couple of weeks of not feeling good, I was like, it has to be because it's so unnatural for me to feel

for a male to say that they love me.

Wow.

And it's so like foreign and it's, it made, it, it brings like weird, like, just sends signals like, you know, in my head that, like, I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to accept it.

I don't want to like deal with it.

And it has to be, I thought, from

a lot of my childhood just like only being

getting affection from my mom.

It's got trauma, this guy.

Yeah, sure, does.

Yeah.

I'm fucking, I'm just as much as Basset Kate as you guys are.

Yeah.

You don't say.

No, no, no.

Join the club.

Nobody says this on Twitter.

It's a big secret.

But I do feel like it has a lot to do with like, like, you know, Nichelle would tell me, too, he would always be like, you know, the guys came down from AMC, the producers,

and

they want, like, they mentioned, like, hey, have I done something to offend Walt?

Like, I go over and he's real standoffish.

He's real.

He's a real cold fish.

And I told Nichelle, I was like, it's not because I'm like some I'm like, I'm not a prick.

I go, it's just like they intimidate me, and I don't feel I have anything worthy to say to somebody in that stature.

They're, they're on a level above me because of how I was brought up in terms of not, I never felt I was, I had anything interesting to say to anybody.

Wow, that is deep.

Any desire to work on that?

Or you're like, eh, fuck it.

Well, I think I have worked on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love you.

guys.

Thank you.

All right.

I

truly am touched by your

proclamation of affection,

and

it makes me feel good to hear you say that.

How's that sound?

Pretty like AI almost,

and another thing that you're a good friend.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.