#550: The Secret

Hey, it's Bri.

I forgot to mention this in the show proper, but I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be on my buddy Vinny Paulino's podcast.

It's called The Creep Off.

I think it's on YouTube on Monday, and then later on Monday, it'll be available wherever you get your finer podcasts.

So, check it out.

We talk about serial killers, creeps, bad guys, all that kind of stuff.

Look at our little pussies.

You want want to come fuck our little pussies?

Is it cocksucking music?

Is it where you say radiohead was cocksucking music?

Not radio.

Yes, you did.

We're not going to bend the knee to those motherfuckers.

Fuck them.

Chilly, comrades.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve.

Dave, I'm here with Walt.

Cello.

And I am here with a BQ.

Hello.

Live in studio.

In studio.

I might have to keep this one a little tight, boys.

This episode.

Yeah.

I've got a sick wife at home.

Oh, man.

I came here.

You would not believe.

With hours to kill today.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Tell her she got to be back around five.

She'll be fine.

Five o'clock.

She'll be fine.

All right.

You would not believe the sounds coming from this bathroom.

I had to turn the TV up.

We should.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You're all right.

I'm totally fine.

So you're Brian Nightingale?

A little bit, yeah.

Yeah, what are you doing in that role as nurse?

Making soup, getting grape juice.

And Sage was sick, not yes.

Yeah, she was sick yesterday.

Whoa.

So I had to take care of her, too.

The both of them.

Fucking doing it all, man.

I know.

Man, many hats.

Yeah, but now Sage is okay today, so she got shipped off to her mom's house, but Mary Beth is still sick.

She was going to go to the hospital last night.

That's how bad it was.

She had like

stomach pains.

Yeah, I think it's just a stomach virus.

That's been going around.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

But they call it a certain, it has a certain name.

Giddam was telling me about it.

Like, so many people have had it.

Thank God I haven't had it yet.

Knock on wood.

Yeah.

I'm going to knock on wood.

Fuck.

Well, how do you get it?

Because we might get it from him now.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You cough on me and I get, and I haven't.

I think that we've been friends for near a quarter century and I haven't coughed on you once yet.

When you laugh, little projection.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

I've been reading a lot about the

flu season and all the wall we got to deal with.

Did you hear hear that they think the

coronavirus came from not a lab leak?

Raccoon dogs or something?

Raccoon dogs.

It's back to outside the lab.

They think it's

raccoon dogs.

We'll never know.

We'll never know.

Raccoon dogs?

Now, if that's true, if it turns out it's raccoon dogs,

China

is owed a major apology, and the world has to eat crow.

Well, it came from their web.

Well, as long as that crow isn't diseased.

The world has to eat fucking crow big time, right?

And go on an apology tour.

I mean, are we going to war with China soon?

Do we really need to give them an apology?

Well, I mean, this is big, though.

I mean, we pretty much like, we pretty much were like, you fucking did this.

You fucked everything up.

And now it's like, well, no, it's raccoon dogs.

I mean, they still kind of fucked up because they shouldn't have been eating raccoon dogs.

Yeah, this is what a raccoon dog looks like.

I mean, it's cute.

Yeah, it looks like a little raccoon that's as big as a dog.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, like, why are you eating raccoon dogs anyway?

Does America have wet markets?

Thankfully, no.

Unless you're talking about like Chinatown and New York, maybe.

Like,

what is the definition of a wet market?

I thought wet market meant, like, as long as fish is being sold.

You know, those, like, down on the docks.

I guess in New York, it's pretty big.

You go down there and all that seafood is available.

You used to work.

Yeah.

You used to work here?

I worked in the

fish market for a couple of summers when I was a teenager.

I thought that would be considered.

No, I mean, it was pretty sanitary.

I mean, all those fish were packed in ice pretty good.

Well, it doesn't seem like it's that like,

I guess it had like the name conjures up some disgusting stuff.

It doesn't, though.

I don't know why.

It's a marketplace selling fresh foods.

Usually

it doesn't necessarily mean bad.

So why when I hear wet market do I think gross?

It sounds gross.

Yeah, right.

It's a marketplace selling fresh foods such as meat, fish, produce, and other consumption-oriented perishable goods in a non-supermarket setting as distinguished from dry markets.

So I did work in a wet market.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Yeah.

Although they were inspecting

wildlife fish markets, wildlife markets.

So anything that's not a supermarket, but they sell perishable goods.

But yeah, like you hear wet market, you're like, oh.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to step within like 10 miles of a wet market, right?

But I don't know.

I mean, it looks like they're on the way to finding out it was and made the jump from a raccoon dog.

Was it a Chinese raccoon dog?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, come on.

It's their fucking fault no matter what.

They were shooting at Americans.

They're due that

well.

This is the way

to mend fences and to, you know, start to put the olive olive branch out there so we don't go down the road to war.

Be like, you know what?

Hey, we're sorry.

We're not going to bend the knee to those motherfuckers.

Fuck them.

Chilly, comrade.

He best gets to kneeling.

Because

they have the military advantage now.

You hear this?

Do they?

Yeah.

They're bigger than us.

Because we've allowed our

stockpiles.

to go so low.

And then the Ukraine war depleted a lot of what we had.

So they actually have

obviously not when it comes to like nuclear weapons.

We're still the fucking best, man.

You know what I mean?

Fucked.

And yeah, man, we can fucking destroy this world 10 times over.

That's right.

We'll blow up your fucking wet market.

They can only destroy it two times over.

We're going to die.

No, we're all going to die.

But I thought you were, because you gave me a lot of hope with your optimism and the, and you, you always painted a picture that everything that we revealed publicly was misdirection.

Like, our stockpiles are fucking empty.

But you know what?

No way.

They're fucking overflowing with fucking death

mutants, mutations, or

what's it called?

Like the big artillery

ammunition.

Well, I think like when we're, I think normally that would be the case.

I would feel that'd be the case.

But when you're this close to actual conflict

and you're making yourself, you should not be making yourselves look like a pussy.

You shouldn't be talking about how you don't have missiles.

And that's what we're doing.

But isn't that the way to get everybody's guard down and be like, but we don't want you to go?

And then pull the curtain back and be like, ah, no,

we have way more than you.

We avoid more now by being like, guys, look at all the fucking missiles we got.

Not like, look at our little pussies.

You want to come fuck our little pussies?

You're right, though.

We do, and we're going to.

You're right, though.

We sent all our shit to the Ukraine, and now we're very concerned with the Ukraine's like retirement plans and shit.

It's unreal.

It's unfucking real.

I read an article in the paper the other day.

It was something about how they want to now send money over to fund the Ukrainians' retirement plans since I guess their country is war-torn and ravaged and all this other shit.

Meanwhile, you got people on the streets everywhere in this fucking country.

It's true.

Yeah, but we got to fuck with Putin.

It's insane.

If it fucks with Putin,

exactly.

Fuck him.

We got to get this guy.

I

do have to issue an apology to you.

Uh-oh.

To me.

To Brian Johnson, who was once a married.

You know, you don't get enough credit for how many times you've been right.

Thank you.

You don't.

Like, a lot of people don't want to give it to you.

Oh, you've been on Reddit, I suppose.

No, no.

Nobody gives it to me there.

But you know what?

They're going to have to give it to you.

They're going to have to like, just like we're going to have to fucking, like, you know, know,

China, we're sorry.

We were all wrong about that lab leak.

Oh, you better be.

Like, like, bouquets of flowers, chocolates.

We're going to have to fucking do a lot to make up for how fucking shitty we were to China.

But

they're going to have people on the internet are going to have to do the same thing to you.

Okay.

Because you were right about fucking that Mahomes brother.

Mahomes, yes.

Look at the eye.

Look at how happy he is.

Thank you.

The both you.

What did I say?

I don't know.

I forget.

He's a Mahomes apologist.

Thank you.

We kind of

protected or stood up for the Mahomes brother who was dancing behind his brother, Patrick.

Oh, yeah.

And then like two days later, or two days before that show dropped, he was caught on camera assaulting a woman.

Oh, well.

Kissing her against her will.

Yeah,

it says here.

Brother, the TikTok guy?

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

He has a history of forcibly kissing women.

So it's not just the one.

Let's see.

Well, obviously, Walt, we can't back that.

Right, guys, I think when I apologize to Brian and then also take back our

defense.

Yeah, like we were wrong.

I'm sorry, Brian.

Yeah, it's okay.

I apologize, Brian.

That's all right.

You know,

you guys are good in a way.

I'm a more cynical of the three of us, so I don't give anybody the benefit of the doubt.

But, you know, I thought your argument was pretty strong.

It's like you have a famous brother, and he's getting all the attention, and you want to stand out, too.

So, like, what can you do?

Oh, I know.

I can do fucking five-second TikTok dances like a 16-year-old girl.

Yeah.

It worked.

It would have worked if the fucking idiot would fucking kill her.

They couldn't forcibly kiss women against their will.

Could have built an empire,

a clothing line.

Yeah, it's not that hard.

Don't sexually assault that one.

You'll be all right.

He shoved his way into.

The owner's office.

It was a restaurant he was in, and forcibly kissed her.

And it says he's done it before.

We could cut this out if you think if it's not something that's politically correct to say, but I'm shocked he was kissing women.

I think that's entirely politically correct and probably a fact.

I think he's, that's why he's doing it.

Like, see, guys, see?

Oh, I like women.

I'm super straight.

I'm so straight, I got to kiss women.

If you want it or not,

try and stop me.

I dare you.

Yeah, I mean,

I didn't know how long you wanted to soak in all that fucking.

I mean, we still got 50 minutes left.

I say the whole time.

A viral video shows him dancing out on the street

before approaching a woman wearing a birthday girl sash.

And then he does not hesitate to grab her and attempt to kiss her on the lips, but the woman quickly jerks her head back and laughs nervously.

Patrick Mahomes, of course, has not commented on that.

He hasn't weighed in yet.

Has not weighed in yet.

What do you do if your brother's doing that cue?

Do you weigh in or do you just kind of hope it just dies down?

I do not weigh in.

Oh, okay.

What am I going to say?

You don't do a little bit of like, you know, he shouldn't be doing that.

And so I talk to him.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean,

he was wrong.

He was just a kid.

If you can get away with not saying anything, just don't say it.

Let him ask twice before you give him an answer.

The title of You Can Get Away With Not Saying Anything.

Don't say nothing

don't say nothing

i mean it's fucking sound advice right that's the only advice man nobody cares what you think anyway

like what's he said aside from denouncing his brother's actions what could he possibly say well i think he yeah i think he has to denounce

that's all he can do that's all he can do so that's why yeah you're right he took the bk route and just shut up which is good for him it's so predictable you're almost like why do i even need that guy to say anything?

Because

if he says something, I know what he's going to say because he has to say it.

So, what the fuck does it matter whether he says it or not?

It's just like everything.

It's the dance, man.

Society wants to dance.

Society's got to be tired of the dance.

Oh, they're never tired of making people dance against their will.

Oh, come on.

They want to see you do the dance against your will with that pain look on your face.

I saw it at the Prudential Center.

It's long enough.

Please, can I stop dancing?

No.

I saw it at the Prudential Center last week on Q's face.

Can I stop dancing, guys?

Hell no.

Fuck no.

Hey, man.

Almost 8,000 people showed up.

I got to dance.

It was, and I'm not just saying this because Q's here, and I'm not just saying this because of our relationship, but it was, if you can go to this show, you should go.

It was so

fucking funny.

Like, you know, like, I watch stand-up comedy a lot.

And like, you know, I'll laugh here and there, but this show consistently throughout, there was such fucking U-turns and hard lefts that I was like, I did not see coming with some of these stories, and they're fucking hysterical.

Wow.

Like, really, really good.

How long is the tour going on till

where's the next leg start?

We keep going.

We'll go throughout the, we're announcing a bunch of new dates for the second half of the year, uh, but we'll keep going, you know.

But that's, uh, you know, I got to give credit to Sal.

This is the first time we ever, when we were doing the live show, we had it, when it was four of us, we had one method of doing it, like coming up with the material.

And then when Joe left, and like everything else, we were like,

are we even going to tour?

And we kind of put Sal in a situation of like, well, how do you want to do this?

Because he's, you know, stand-up and he's fucking really funny.

Right.

So a lot of, so the tour is a little different than it used to be.

There's almost no videos.

We used to have like

an instruction.

It's because of Sal.

We wrote the show, which we never really did.

It was an interesting peek.

So, all that I agree with, but that's it's all because of Sal and his,

yeah, thank you.

It was really good.

I was sorry that you got sick that day.

Yeah, I was ready to go, man.

I had all my details, you know, ready to roll in like a VIP.

Sweet parking, we got oh, yeah, yeah, that parking was nice.

I just was like, I got a fever.

I don't, I didn't feel horrible, but I was like, I just can't, that would be shitty to everybody if I show up with a fever.

Hey, Quick Shake hands.

I didn't cough on you.

Jesus.

And Q has another show coming up.

This guy's busy as hell.

Yeah, we're touring, man.

We're just on the road.

Where the fuck am I next?

Thank you for this plug.

Green Bay, Wisconsin?

Home of the Cheese Heads.

Miller High Life Theater in Milwaukee.

And then in Chicago.

Home of the Brewers.

Home of the Bears.

And then Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago, basically.

That's home of the WizardCon.

There you go, bro.

Oh, the old WizardCon.

Back in the day.

Next weekend.

Next weekend.

And I have

another appearance I want to briefly.

Did you say what you had an announcement?

Did you get what was the announcement?

The announcement wasn't Mary Best 6.

Oh, okay.

So I can't go for like two hours.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Okay.

So

Kevin's showing the Impractical Jokers movie

at the Smod Castle.

Is the Smod Castle the theater?

Smod Cinema?

Smod Cinema.

Smod Cinema, Sminima.

On March 31st.

And I'm going to go.

I'm going to do a QA afterwards.

So I just,

you know, guys, I never ask you for anything.

If you're on Patreon, you'll know what he's talking about.

Yeah.

Because this, I think people on Patreon kept this secret like they kept the secret for the crying game back in the day.

Like, don't tell people.

Yeah.

I think people have been pretty good about it.

Okay, so you're talking about the thing you revealed on iBuy Comics that involves Kevin.

You.

I would prefer nobody asked me about that in the QA.

It's a big ask.

Guys,

I'll tell you what.

I already have the full story.

Yeah, they'll have the full story.

They don't need to ask silly questions.

So, you silly bullocks.

You'd prefer not to be in that uncomfortable position on stage live.

So far, Kevin hasn't said anything to me.

As he learns it for the first time, he's like, wait, what?

Yeah, so I just thought if everybody could just, you know, be cool.

Yeah.

Just be cool.

Just be chill.

Be cool about this.

And,

you know, not ask about that.

And if you know what he's talking, and

if you haven't heard or you have listened, you definitely know what he's talking about.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think the success of this is going to be?

I think pretty good.

I have never been more impressed with

the listeners who,

you know, they want to be given a task like this.

They want to show you how loyal and how much they care.

And, like, I just think it's something that, like, it's just a way for them to show you how much they love you that they're not going to ask.

Yeah.

What about ball-busted pricks?

I don't think we have any of those.

Do we?

I don't know.

You go online, you might run into one or two.

I think it's going to be smooth sailing for you, okay?

All right.

All right.

Good.

That's my guess.

I really don't think anybody's going to ask.

Okay, I like that.

That's good.

That's a hope.

That's a hope.

I appreciate that if everybody just lets it go.

Did you guys hear the news that he went cold turkey on the name MJ?

Yeah, I did hear that.

What do you think?

He listened to you?

I don't think I've a couple years later.

I don't think it was my

request or my concern that made him stop.

I really don't know.

I mean, I didn't know.

I had spoken.

I haven't really spoken to him, though,

over the phone, but just with text

for the past year.

And he told me he was going through some stuff, but he never mentioned, though, that he, he didn't really get, he was very vague.

Yeah.

But he never mentioned, like, hey, I'm going to quit smoking, which I thought would be something that, you know, considering, you know, like that, but you know, he never mentioned that he was going to quit smoking.

Well, maybe he doesn't remember the conversation.

Oh, yeah?

You think that it was that bad that he has fucking blackouts or pockets of

his life, but he doesn't remember.

He wasn't a small lot of weed.

By his own admission, he was high 24-7, right?

Like he was in another high.

So you think that there, I mean, medically, is that possible where you can have fucking blackouts where you don't remember?

Yeah, 100%.

Okay, well, it was on tape.

It was on fucking

recorded.

You went back and listened to it?

No, but if I could remember, you'd be like, hey, man, I don't remember that at all.

I'd be like, I got to see it.

Maybe they'll jog my memory.

I'd be so concerned that I had fucking

pockets of my life where I don't remember actually doing anything or speaking or where I was.

Well, he was concerned.

That's why he quit.

Oh, that's the reason.

Oh, I don't know.

No, he didn't tell me that, but I'm saying something made the man who loves weed more than anybody I've ever met for a decade espouse this use.

And do you think it is?

Are you doing

a wake-up call?

I don't know

what your activity is lately, but is it like, hey, man.

Pretty minimal.

It's fairly minimal.

I'm going cold turkey too.

Yeah, me and Kev.

I want to be like him.

No, nothing he could do would affect my decision to do anything.

But no, for me, it was more the expense.

Yeah, it's just too much money.

And I had really like stopped.

So you got to grow your own chassis.

Yeah, I know.

I stopped vaping altogether because I didn't like what it was doing to my voice.

It was making it like real raspy and shit.

So like, actually, the last day I vaped was the day we shot Clerks 3.

Like, I just threw it.

That's the last time you had weed?

No, that's the last time I did with a vape.

Oh.

That's That's a difference.

Well, that's like

it's

like smoking, but not.

And normally now I'll just do edibles.

Like if I do it, I'll just do edibles, which are not nearly as fun or hard-hitting or quickly hitting.

What's an edible, like a brownie?

Yeah, well, yeah, they have like little candies and stuff, you know.

So you get coffee and you're gonna get two for one.

I'm getting a little sugar, and then you're gonna have a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit.

Yeah, I get a little sugar rush, and then I'm high, and then I just sit there and be fat.

This is life.

This is life.

This is how it's going to do it.

I start working with a trainer on Monday.

Oh, yeah.

Buddy Steve.

Yeah.

Come back in there.

Oh, man.

See, not something I might emulate.

Yeah.

You should do with him because over the whole pandemic, I did a little Zoom with him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, and then, I mean, he only works like 20 minutes from my house, but like, it was awesome.

And you have that big basement.

You could set that up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's great.

And this is for

you're trying to get to something within nine months for

a personal goal or is this business?

I just haven't worked out in nine months, and it's like, I'm starting to really feel it.

My birthday was the other day, another year older, so you're like.

I heard you had multiple parties.

I heard you were fucking.

Dude, I was just about to say.

You're like my 14-year-old.

I remember I had a birthday week.

Our friend is transitioning into a 22-year-old female Gen Zero.

Did you delete your Instagram post?

I did, yeah.

Why?

I went to get it today so we could use it against you.

No, exactly.

Because I saw it.

I was like, what the fuck is this guy up to?

And I fucking didn't screenshot it.

Yeah, I put it up.

It was up for a few minutes, but to be fair, I was cement-headed when I did it.

And then I was like, I got to take this down.

What am I doing myself?

Yeah, but a crazy week.

Had a party Monday.

Taco truck.

Had a taco truck.

And the Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator playing beer bong with you.

Mary Beth was terrified of him.

Was he?

She's just like, because the second we walked in, he made a beeline towards her and he goes, Oh, who do we have here?

Like, I don't know if he, I don't think he knew that I was with her, but I was listening and laughing.

He was like, really, like, moving in on her.

And then Helen came over and started talking.

And then Jack Sparrow kind of moved away, but like, she did not like him.

Oh, but he was in character.

That's what I told her.

All right.

So, what is the

just

take me through the thought process.

So you're like, I want to have somebody in costume.

The original plan was to have different people come out every two hours.

So Captain Jack Sparrow would come out, then Superman would come out.

Oh, okay.

So like every two hours, because we went from, what, eight till two?

Eight till two, yep.

So I thought every two hours we'd have a character come out.

And then

just too cost prohibitive.

It wasn't the cost.

It was like the

pool of people.

He didn't look like Superman.

And I was like, oh, the actor showed up and you're you're like, oh, no, no, it's the same guy.

You just go online.

No, no, no, no.

You go online and like you could pick.

He just put a cape on.

His jacket and caps.

They have like tape and stuff there.

Okay.

And you know, what's the point?

Like, the reason I like this guy is Captain Jacks because he looked like Captain Jack.

Okay.

I don't want a Superman that's like.

Looks like me.

Yeah.

Well, actually, I would take that one.

Is this a BQ idea?

Because this is so out of, like, to me, this is so unique.

Like, I'll tell you, I'm going to have costumes.

There was a dog.

Yeah, is there a dog flying around here?

I don't even think there's a dog in here.

No?

Yeah.

I know it wasn't me.

If it's getting you all the way over there.

That's a powerful fucking blast of gas.

God damn.

It was,

well, here's what happened: I was like, you know, my 50th birthday is coming in three years.

And I was like, I should probably throw a party for that.

Just a random thought I had one day.

And then I was like, well, why the fuck am I going to wait?

Until I'm 50?

Like, why not?

We're not shooting the TV show, so I haven't seen the crew or anything in a few weeks.

So I was like, just rent a bar and throw a party.

And it did.

And then, like, once you start thinking like that, then fun ideas just start coming in.

I mean, would you ever think to hire impersonators?

No.

No, I didn't.

No, it wouldn't occur to me.

It's unique.

It was fun.

Yeah.

It was a really fun party.

So a lot of people that I don't normally get to see.

How many?

106.

Really?

Yeah.

It was Richard Kine came.

I'm not sure if he was.

Oh, I've heard about this already.

Oh, it was great.

The second I stuck my head through the office door.

Giddam was obsessed with him.

Yes.

He was obsessed.

Yeah, he was so nervous to go ask him for a picture.

I was like, ask Q.

Q will introduce you.

He'll take a picture.

But I think he was just.

I bet Giddam told me.

He goes, I met Richard Klein last night.

I'm like, who's that?

And he goes, he was in this and this.

I was like, I don't know who he is.

Because you do know who he is.

He was so frustrated.

I go, I don't know who he is.

I said, I don't know who he told me.

I'm on my name.

And he goes, the Goldbergs.

He's the guy at the furniture king in Goldbergs.

And I was like, oh, then I was like, that guy.

I go, he's awesome.

I said, he is awesome.

Yeah, he is.

He is probably the most naturally funny person that I've ever met.

I was so grateful when he showed up because, dude, it was like 90 degrees in there.

He shows up.

The second he walks in, he's like, it's hot as hell in here.

So hot.

Why is it so hot?

Turn on the air conditioning.

The air conditioning popped on.

It was beautiful.

After Richard Kine speaks, you listen.

When he said Richard Kine, I really go,

I go, fucking Larry from Three's Company was there.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, it's so weird.

You said you said that.

Later that night, I was watching Married with Children, and he was in the episode.

I was like, that is fucking weird, man.

Good old Larry.

Yeah, so that was Monday.

That was good.

That went till 2, 2 a.m.

And then on my birthday, relatively quiet, Sant Island.

Wednesday, I went to Madison Square Garden.

John Mayer had a show.

So Wednesday.

And you went to see a concert?

Yeah.

And then Thursday, I went to...

Would they shot you out there?

Did he dedicate any songs to you?

No, he didn't dedicate any songs to me.

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

He never thought of John.

Oh, did he not invite you?

Yeah, I was there.

We were

his guests.

Yeah.

And he didn't fucking say, I want to get this special man out there tonight.

I've got 100 guests.

He can't single me out.

I don't want to

feel bad.

He called out his dad for a song.

Yeah, but that's not his birthday, though.

Same level with his dad.

Why not?

It wouldn't ever occur to me that John would give me a shout out from Starbucks.

I would fucking shout you out before my dad.

I think Brian would too.

Yeah, Brian would be like, all right, fair enough.

Well, then maybe my feelings are a little hurt.

Maybe you'll write a little email or text.

Yeah.

And what kind of music?

Maybe next time.

What kind of music would you, what is this category of music, John Mayer?

Is it like pop?

Is it slow?

Is it

pussy rock?

Oh, yeah.

Stop pussy rock.

No, he's a great guitar player.

Well, wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me that is it is it cocksucking music?

You say radiohead was cocksucking music?

Not radio head.

Yes, you did.

Yes, you did.

No, no, I'm not sure.

Do you think it's Radiohead?

That's what you said it was.

Radiohead's cocksucking music.

I wonder.

I wonder why I had that opinion.

I have no idea.

I thought it was outrageous.

Well, maybe it was

caught by their latest album.

Maybe I had my dick sucked once while they were on the radio.

Or did you just fucking quote when you hear the word head, you're just like, you automatically can't stop thinking about cocksucking?

Well, my second apology of the day, I don't remember saying that.

I apologize.

Yeah, it's a radiohead.

I I didn't realize that I.

Why is that a negative?

The way you said it,

it was like it wasn't the hot chick sucking your dick.

No.

It was me sucking a dick.

Or one of us rocking out to him.

Keep a beat to the fucking

radio.

You know what?

Got the rhythm going.

You guys always say shit just to say shit on this show.

It's fucking 12 years of that.

I can't keep up with all the bullshit opinions I said.

And then

Thursday, I went to Philly.

I saw Bruce, the boss.

Did he?

Did he invite you personally?

Or did you buy a ticket?

No, I didn't buy a ticket, but

I was a guest of someone on his team.

But I didn't meet Bruce there.

I don't think Bruce knows who the fuck.

Bruce doesn't know who I am that I exist with.

I think you're crazy if you don't think he's seen a been in the room with that television on and you've been on the television.

But he did

like two and a a half hours, man.

It was fucking crazy.

He was so good.

Boss.

Boss.

It's my birthday.

Well, it was two days ago, but I'm still celebrating it, boss.

It's my birthday, week, boss.

Way back in the day.

Like, stop shouting in my ear.

Boss.

And now, you're a big boss guy?

I'm not going to say I'm a big boss guy, but I have a healthy appreciation.

It's probably the third time I've seen him live in my life.

What's the one song that gets you fucking out of your seat and Q starts fucking?

Oh, man, it's got to be Glory Days, man.

Stop born in the USA?

No.

It's probably Glory Days.

Got your hanky in your back pocket.

The Rising Days for Johnson.

Finally,

you rip that fucking hanky out and fucking twirl it.

Fucking.

Boos!

Say my name!

It's Q!

It's me!

I know you've been in a room where I'm on TV.

Nobody sucks stick to you, Bruce.

If somebody gave me front row seats to the boss at Count Basie,

which is 10 minutes away from me.

I'd sell him and make a fucking fortune.

I'd either sell them or I would just, I'd give him the cue.

Are you kidding me?

Do you want to see the boss?

No, I don't.

He's got that American icon.

He's a legend.

Yeah, I think that that

notoriety has not been earned.

I don't think it's, like, to me, in my opinion, like, it's Bon Jovi is the face of Jersey.

Okay.

And then, you know, and then when Bon Jovi passes, then Dave Wendorf.

Skip

assuming Bon Jovi passes before Dave.

I really, yeah, I really.

20 years his junior years.

I really don't know how Bruce got the fucking gig as being the Jersey fucking guy, like the Jersey rock god.

god because he named his album after asbury park

yeah but

he lives here doesn't he live in cold sad i don't know well so do i mean so does jovy and dave they all they all yeah but they all live here the only one pitting them against each other is you

i don't think they hate each other you know what they go into a steel cage match fucking bruce ain't coming out really he looks so stiff yeah

you know i think jovi and and dave you know yeah crawl out of that cage Oh, I would love it if there was a rest stop named after Dave.

What?

I would love it if there was a rest stop named after Dave.

The monster magnet rest stop.

That would be funny.

There's so many rest stops.

I know.

Why not?

Right?

You're reading some of these authors.

Nobody's reading books.

Yeah, who gives a shit.

Everybody's listening to music, though.

Everybody's talking.

Yeah, I agree with you.

Bon Jovi's my Jersey guy.

Right.

But

Bruce 73.

Who's the most famous person that texted you for your birthday?

Oh, maybe Salvo Cano.

Oh, really?

And Bon Jovi didn't?

No, no.

I thought

you got him into the Hall of Fame and everything.

What?

Oh, what?

No.

No.

What am I thinking of?

I don't know.

I don't know who that could be.

I think you're thinking of the voters who voted for him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How does the dude from Goldberg end up at your party?

We're friends.

Where did you guys meet?

We met at a charity thing once, and we got along really, really well.

And we stayed in touch, and we just became friends.

Brett Michaels didn't text you?

Brett Michaels?

Well, I don't know if they're going to be there.

They know it's my birthday.

Oh, you didn't let me.

Drop any hints?

Yeah, no.

A couple days before.

Like, you added them on Twitter, like, hey, my birthday.

At Brett Michaels, at Richard Kahn.

Scott Mosier.

Yeah, I would say Scott Mosier was probably there.

How's he doing?

He's doing great.

That's good.

He's always doing great.

I got to up my level of fame so next year Q's like, Bry's the most famous one.

Yeah.

i gotta do something i think you're the only way you can you can become infamous but you ain't getting more famous no yeah not happening no damn than mosier you're probably i don't know are you more famous than mosier he's i think i might be yeah maybe yeah he wasn't on tv

well

no

tv is what makes you famous not movies okay so yeah you're like a bit player in a movie people like oh weren't you in that thing but like you're on tv that's in people's homes so it's kind of different they're inviting you into their

I'm more famous than Sal Volcano.

Fuck him.

Yeah.

Oh, Sal.

Sal was so fucking funny on that show, man.

All you guys were.

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't get over it.

I was talking about it the whole way home.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, well,

he upped all our games because he spent the last few years throwing himself into stand-up.

And

the improvement.

Paid off.

Oh, my God.

He's so fucking good at it, man.

And he's always quick and funny, but now he's got the nuts and bolts of it down and his style down.

And so when we were doing this, he leveled us up by helping, you know, by

taking us with him on that journey that he went on.

Is he too big to open for us if we play the Grammar C again?

No, he'd love to do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, he'd love to do it.

That would be awesome.

Oh, I'd love to do it.

Grammar C remains my favorite theater in the fucking world.

I love the Grammar City's.

It's funny that you just said the Grammar C because the Fuji's video that they shot there was just on the TV behind you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I was looking at it going, oh, shit, that's right.

This this one farting dog,

anything that's super smelly thing, man.

What else do I have?

Oh, since Q, yeah, you are the most famous one.

I was talking to Walt about this recently.

I thought a great way to, because like Mary Beth will tell me sometimes about our demographics and stuff, and um,

60 and older listeners.

How many people do you think are 60 and older, percentage-wise?

Now, now,

okay, 40 60.

I don't want to go too high.

No.

15?

10.

That's high.

That's high.

Okay.

3%.

3%.

Yep.

I just forget our audience aged a little bit over the years.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty soon we'll be in that demographic, too.

And the younger ones, you know, we really don't have a younger audience.

Sometimes you'll see some people in their 20s, you know, a couple kids in their teens.

But you have such...

You're in the public eye.

If we could get on TikTok and you do some of these TikTok TikTok challenges, like you eat a hot chip or you let somebody slap you in the face with a tortilla, you know, like all in the name of Tele Steve Dave.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

You don't want to eat a hot chip.

I don't really want to start jumping through hoops here, man.

This isn't my place.

I don't have to jump through hoops.

You don't got to dance here.

Dance here, man.

You want to put me on a dance floor?

What'd you want the 15-year-olds to be listening to?

Tele Stephen.

They'll find us.

They'll find us eventually.

We'll start thinking.

We'll start brainstorming some stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to do TikTok in those.

No, TikTok is.

I hope they ban it.

I hope they ban it for no other reason than to see everyone lose their collective mind when they ban it.

Why would people love it that much still?

It's like

so popular.

It's an avenue for every teenage girl to be like, here's my mental illness.

I'm depressed.

I'm anxious.

Everybody suddenly has Tourettes.

Oh, that's a big thing now?

Oh, it's huge.

Everybody with Tourette's.

Most of them are.

There's like a whole Reddit thread dedicated to people who are faking their illnesses on TikTok.

And then, of course, you have like the whacked out lefties, the whacked out righties, the whacked out everybody.

It's just like, it's a scourge, man.

Yeah, but I mean, I don't, I just stay away, stay off it.

Yeah, I don't go to it.

Every once in a while, I know you're not on TikTok.

No, every once in a while I'll go to like Reddit.

You know, I'll see somebody like, you know, a TikTok video.

But people are so into it.

Oh, the latest thing.

I tried to get a petition going, like, because I see it on Instagram and I did see it on TikTok.

Everybody's doing that Wednesday dance to the sped up Lady Gaga song.

Okay.

And it's like, everybody has to do it.

So I started a petition at change.org to make it illegal.

And they took it down on me.

They said it violated their community guidelines.

But wait, what is your goal?

To get people to stop doing this stupid fucking dance just because you have dark hair and braids.

Yeah, but just give it a few weeks.

Some of us don't want to.

It's been like a month already, if not longer.

Did you watch the show?

What show?

Wednesday?

Yeah.

No.

No.

No.

I don't watch any of that new kind of stuff.

I know I'm not going to like it.

Tim Burton.

I know.

I don't like my type of thing either.

But the new thing is like young moms and their daughters doing choreographed dances with

the year that they were born above them.

Okay.

It's like mom, 1985, and then the daughter's like, you know, 2016 or something, and they're doing this choreographed dance together.

I mean, it sounds annoying.

You see it once or twice, you're like, oh, okay.

You see it a hundred fucking times.

Where are you seeing?

Yeah, where are you?

You're seeing it a hundred times.

It's on Instagram.

It's largely constant.

I'm keeping track of what Q's up to.

It's a birthday week.

And block everybody else?

Well, my algorithm has now become, I was just looking today.

It's all people playing guitars,

dogs, cats, and monkeys almost exclusively.

And then every once in a while.

And then the people I follow, like Q, and you know,

those type of people.

But otherwise, it's mostly animals and guitar players.

Yeah.

Do you ever watch Dave Hill do guitar solos with John Mayer?

No.

You know who Dave Hill is?

No.

Oh, he's fucking funny.

Follow Dave Hill on Instagram.

I guarantee you'll like him.

Dave Hill.

Okay.

He's a very funny guy.

And he does these guitar solos with John Mayer footage on it.

It's really well done.

Yeah.

I'll give it a try.

All right.

Did you see Ant-Man Q?

I did see Ant-Man.

What'd you think?

You were the one.

Yeah, I was the one who saw it.

Man,

I sure wish that there was more Ant-Man in that Ant-Man movie.

It's sure a lot of other heroes running around and a lot of other things happening.

And every once in a while, every time Paul Rudd's on the screen, you're like, why are you taking Paul Rudd off the screen?

He's fucking awesome.

Like, he's so good.

But, like,

everybody, everybody, everybody's a hero now.

It's like.

Now, people are going to call me an old fogey.

They're going to call me, me,

they're going to call me a lot of names.

They're going to say I got a stick in my butt.

Yeah.

But I'm willing to risk it because I do think there's some sort of weird, subversive thing going on in that movie.

What do you mean?

That

just

made me go, like, this movie is supposed to be about heroes, and heroes are supposed to do

hard things

because they're heroes.

You know, they're supposed to inspire you to, even if it's unrealistic and fucking hard, they're still supposed to do it because that's what makes them a hero.

Okay.

But I felt it was really strange about how they wanted to make to hammer home that both Hank Pym

and Janet

got their freak on when they were in when they were apart.

Oh, yeah, you don't like that?

I don't like that.

I don't, I don't, I mean, that's like, what is that?

How has that moved the story along?

How does that do anything but just make me go, like,

why do I need to know this?

Why does the audience need to know this?

Yeah, just for that joke of Bill Murray coming in as her ex, I guess.

But then Hank also has to say it too, and he's like, you know, I also had some things I had to take care of.

He doesn't want his wife to think he's a fucking total fucking limp dick, man.

He's got all.

What are you talking about?

She's allowed to go fuck Bill Murray up and down the quantum verse, but he's at home.

What?

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

Explain that shit to me because I wouldn't do you.

Would you want to hear?

Wouldn't you want to hear that your loved one was like, I saved it for you, baby?

Yeah, but she said it.

She's the one who said it first.

Right, but he could be like, you know what, though?

Why?

She just cucked him out, man.

Yeah, you're going to be the bigger man.

I would definitely be.

Well, you're going to be like, yeah, I'm going to throw it in your fucking face.

It's like, hey, fucking bitch.

I didn't get laid.

How about that?

I was a fucking monk.

But he wasn't.

I know.

I don't understand why that needs to be in a superhero movie.

I agree.

When I started being introduced to comic books as a young boy,

if any of this kind of fucking nonsense was part of the storylines,

I just don't think I could fall in love with comics.

Oh, I don't think if you and I started reading comics today, you and I would fall in love with comics.

I agree with you on that.

100%.

I don't think I could fall in love with the medium today.

No, I agree with you.

I agree with you.

I thought the movie.

I mean, there's still great stuff.

Superman Lost just came out.

Yeah, I heard it's good.

Dude is so fucking good.

And I actually meant to bring that up.

That's Wade, right?

No, that's Priest.

Priest.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Christopher Priest.

And it's fucking...

Only the first issue just came out.

And it's a real weird sci-fi thing where Superman and Lois like chilling out.

Again, the only relationship that I really ever care about.

That I'll read without being like a fucking real mind is Superman and Lois because I'm like, they earned it.

So if they want to have a page of them kissing in the kitchen, whatever, I'll tell you.

Tell me this.

So if Superman or Lois were separated for...

That's what I'm getting at.

Well, there was a Superman.

But this is an Else World story.

This isn't canon.

Okay, but there is a canon story that happened where Superman and Wonder Woman got sucked into another dimension where time moved differently.

And they were there for a thousand years, and it was only five minutes here.

And when they came back,

they specifically addressed the fact that they did not.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, no, you're right.

That's what I'm talking about.

Like,

why do we have to know that she had needs?

How does that, what does that do for her character?

Nothing.

It's just for that joke of Bill Murray.

That's literally the only reason they put the movie.

And you love Bill Murray, too, right?

What'd you think of that Bill Murray?

I mean, look,

it didn't take his fucking, it didn't make use of Bill Murray, but it's good to see him on screen.

Do you think, was there anything that you enjoyed about that movie?

Well, again,

I thought anything Ant-Man was good.

Like, Ant-Man stuff was good.

What did you think of MODOC?

Ridiculous.

Yeah, but to me, I'll tell you why it didn't bother me like it bothered other people.

Modoc, I mean, MODOK,

he's a fucking Jew.

Like, I don't know.

But he's supposed to be grotesque.

He's supposed to be like...

That little shot of his ass was pretty funny when they put him in the thing.

It's not the way I would have done MODOC, but to me, MODOK is just such a fucking...

But you could have done something really cool.

Well, what more could you have done?

Well, you could have designed something CGI, something up that looked really disturbing and weird rather than something that looked like shark girl and lava boy i didn't see that well i mean it looks like something at a nickelodeon that dude yeah i again it's not the modoc i would have done but i feel like

i don't know what you're again though you know there's other weird messages in the movie though like so modoc in in him when he was in his human form back in ant-man one tries to murder the daughter right yes so

She's able to turn him by just by going like, don't be a dick.

Yeah.

Stop being a dick.

you could choose not to be a dick, and you don't have to be a dick anymore.

I'm not a dick.

I was just like, I wanted to, I wanted to hurt the screen.

Why?

You really?

Yeah.

You took it way more seriously than I did.

I just feel like.

What did you think of Kang?

Wasn't nothing.

Felt nothing.

Didn't move my needle at all.

I feel like when you have a movie where you can go into the microverse

and you just choose to create all new characters, Right.

You've spit in my face.

Okay.

You spit in the fuck all of Comic Dom's face by not including any B C list characters from the microverse.

Okay.

You created all new characters because you think you know everything's better.

You got this.

You don't need to fucking worry about Canon.

You don't need to worry about the creators who created everything that you're fucking building off of.

And you don't give us one neat character, something.

But hasn't that been Marvel for the past five years?

Yeah, but I have had enough.

You've had enough.

Yeah, I'm ready to go out and do protests on the side of the road at theaters and just be like, don't go see this movie, man.

I don't think you need to.

Nobody wants to go see it.

Yeah, it's out of theaters already.

So it's not going to be, I'm not going to rally it anymore.

You'd be wasting your time, yeah.

Yeah.

It's over, right?

It's over.

MCU's done.

Well, it's not done because they still need to be able to do it.

Well, they're going to keep making more, but

they've lost their way and they cannot find a way back, in my opinion.

You don't even know what's going on anymore.

Marvel made a mistake, man.

They should have just recast instead of killing off.

Just recast.

Because people want to see Iron Man.

People want to see Captain America.

I'm sorry.

They will never make me want to see a fucking Miss Marvel movie.

I just won't.

I don't care.

That's Chazam movie tank, too.

You're just saying what everybody's saying.

But right, you're right.

You're just saying what everybody's saying, but yet they get attacked for saying it.

I don't want to see Ms.

Marvel.

Oh, you fucking male piss over his pig.

I don't want to see Ms.

Marvel because you are a fucking eight-year-old character.

I don't give a shit.

I want to see the character.

You're right, though.

You're just saying what everyone's thinking and posting online.

But other people, I think the response to it, which people have said to me, is like, yeah, but like...

There is an audience for those characters.

There's people that love fucking Miss Marvel.

Love her.

I don't think there is.

I think this show tanked too.

I know there are people that like that character.

But that's the thing.

Like the TV show,

I don't mind the making of Miss Marvel TV show.

What the fuck do I care?

It's not for me.

I won't watch it.

Right.

But like

I want to see a movie then I get about Iron Man.

Like I just want to see fucking tonight.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like where's the Fantastic Four?

How the fuck are we on our second Miss Marvel movie or whatever?

And we haven't had Fantastic Four yet.

Like X-Men have been fucking owned by Disney for years now.

Like, how are we not, like, what are you guys doing?

Problemsome, Q.

It's X-Men.

Yeah, it's X-Men, right?

No!

No, we can't have X-Men.

Well,

I think we definitely went through a period like that, but I think that we're.

Is that Nichelle?

Brian Ochelle.

Brian Ochell, a little visit from Brian Ochelle and his lovely wife.

Oh, he's looking so good, man.

From Tales from Behind the Fake Counter.

Yes.

Maybe the most popular Patreon show?

The regular show, yeah.

But the Eye By Comics, that shattered all

records on Patreon.

Yeah, but like it

got us like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of new subscribers once the word broke that something big was revealed.

I feel like we should like,

of course not kill him, but maybe like graze Q's ass with a bullet and then be like, who shot Q?

Like, that's our next big reveal.

Well, I mean, there's a few things we could still, we could do that kind of concept show again.

I have one thing I still can reveal, and we always got the skull that we can always pull the curtain back on.

Yeah.

You just did.

Scared that shit away from me.

Bleep that.

Technically.

I personally have a horrific revelation that only one person on earth knows.

Who's the person?

Mary Beth.

Whoa.

I've only told her.

And it's shameful.

i wouldn't think it i mean if it only well one other person knows then yeah those are the ones you do keep close to the vest yeah it's bad and it's what's who's it who's affected by it who's affected by it yeah uh my mother

whoa

no it's pretty bad whoa i'm gonna save that if you're on patreon the next i buy comics

wow

yeah like wow so bad that we don't even know it that you don't even i couldn't bring myself to tell you guys.

That's insane.

The things I know about you.

I know.

Wow.

Did you do it when you were a child?

No.

No.

This would have been

seven, eight years ago, something like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

My mind went to

some real weird shit, like, you know, spying on your mom or something.

No.

No.

You see my mom right?

I'm beating up little Johnson.

And he's like, what are you doing?

Your mother.

Wow.

Okay.

And you're willing to divulge it.

I'm willing to divulge it to everyone, something I've held close to the vest for probably seven or eight years.

And if you get a comic question wrong, you'll reveal it.

Yeah.

I want people to join Patreon, man.

All right.

We got some spots this week, boys.

We got some spots.

Yeah.

Got an aunt.

Well, I don't know if he's an aunt.

He's a friend of the family.

Yeah, he's part of the family.

Yeah, he's not an ant.

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And Walt, you had something.

Yeah, I sent it to you.

Okay.

Let's see.

We got

from our buddy Brian Maxwell.

Oh, yes.

He's

this retinal?

I'm going to pronounce it retinal.

Retinal wrestling.

A pro wrestling show debuting the hardcore rules.

Circle pit scramble match.

Punk rock snake charge and hell turn are playing.

Hold on.

Sorry.

What is this?

He's promoting wrestling shows.

Yeah, it's wrestling shows.

He's a promoter now.

We're trying to get the word out for people to go out and see his wrestling shows.

So

he's Vince McMahon?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

All right, cool.

What's it called?

It's called Retinal Wrestling.

Retinal Wrestling.

Yep.

It's a pro wrestling show debuting the hardcore rules, Circle Pit Scramble Match.

Punk Rock, Snake Church, and Hellturn will

play to close the night.

The date is April 16th at 2 o'clock p.m., and the location is L C Y Media in Birmingham, Alabama.

Tickets are on sale now at retinalwrestling.com, R-E-T-I-N-A-L,

W-R-E-S-T-L-I-N-G dot com.

There's only 100 ticks available.

Oh, man.

And the next

show is going to be a huge outdoor pro wrestling punk rock block party in Nashville, Tennessee on May 7th, sponsored by No Quarter Nashville.

Wow.

Nashville's a fucking great city.

Nashville's hopping, man.

Love Nashville.

I have.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Nashville is one of my favorite cities.

If you haven't been, you should go.

Take this opportunity.

When Mrs.

Nichelle was here,

she gave everybody a hug.

Yeah.

Right.

I just can't.

It's just so

smells so good.

But why can't I give a social hug?

It feels like, you know, she probably got more hug in that tripod that was next to me because it just feels like.

She's squeezing your nuts.

I don't understand.

I can't just do the social hug without feeling like self-conscious that it's robotic.

I don't know.

I love the social hug.

I like it too.

Yeah.

I'm a big hug.

I enjoy it.

I like it.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's just, I've never been able to do the social hug.

I don't know if I ever will be.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that button.

No.

I wanted to give her a fist bump, but it was awkward.

Yeah, she's coming in.

It looks like you're going to punch her.

Unless you guys have something else.

Anything?

No.

Are you going to wrap it up?

No, not yet.

Because I have, I brought for us,

and I'm hoping it works.

I was hoping we were going to go to

Fantasy's to get a birthday beer after this.

You're saying that's not happening, huh?

I didn't say that.

What if I promise you home by five?

I think by five would be a check.

It's an hour and 12 minutes away.

I happen to have from a couple weeks ago Ming Chen's first attempt at stand-up comedy, and I thought we might review it

and see how he did.

Yeah, get him, showed me.

Yeah.

Oh, so you've seen it before.

I've seen it.

I have not seen it.

Oh, you haven't seen it?

I purposely did not watch it because I wanted to watch it for the first time.

I haven't seen it.

It's his first attempt.

It's his first attempt.

It's going to be bad.

Probably.

It's going to be a best attempt.

Well, his second attempt because he did stand up at the

comic book, man.

Well, I'm saying, like, I think anybody, like I said, we were talking about Sal before, how

he was rougher when he started out.

Now he's just a pro.

Right.

You know, this is a man's first attempt.

I'm surprised you put this online.

Yeah, me too.

My first attempt

was down in Key West when I proposed to Mary Beth.

And I feel, she said I did great.

I felt I blew it.

My cards were mixed up, so I had to sort of vamp for a little while.

So it is, it's difficult.

It's not the easiest thing in the world to do.

But we're going to still listen to and potentially ridicule Ming Chen.

Just tell me when you want me to stop it.

Okay.

Let's do comedy.

So everybody, give it up for Ming Chen.

Okay.

Alrighty.

He comes onto the stage.

Gives the lady a hug.

Oh my God, that was so sweet.

That was so sweet.

What's up, everybody?

My name is Ming Chen.

My friends call me Ming the Merciless, you know, like Flash Gordon, Gordon, one of my favorite movies.

And please, this is truly my first time I've ever done this.

I think you guys make it look so easy.

And I was like, I can't do that.

But I'm in Albuquerque, so it doesn't matter.

But please, please be gentle.

It is my first time.

And Sarah, that's your name?

I get five minutes.

Oh, man.

I'm not going to last five minutes.

He's already blown through a minute saying thank you.

Yeah.

Talking about how sweet it is.

It's his first time.

Yeah.

It's like how every first podcast episode is talking about what the name of the podcast is.

You just waste time.

Yeah.

He's got a little bit of time so he can do his five minutes.

Yeah, he's.

I wonder.

I'm not seeing.

I'm interested what his approach as a comedian is.

Is he Ming the cynical?

Is he Ming the

like?

Is he doing observations?

I'm far he's Ming the liar because nobody calls him Ming the merciless.

Yeah, yeah.

That that that joke didn't go over so well.

No, people didn't care for it.

All right.

Way too hard.

So I'm not.

I figured I would just jump up, take a chance, like, you know, and if I sucked,

I'm from New Jersey.

I don't live here.

And I'm from New Jersey.

If I suck it, I'd just go home.

You guys would never see me again.

Or I'd get killed by a meth head, and you'd never see me again.

Or if I really sucked, you know, I would leave it and you guys be.

So already he's insulting them by saying

there's meth heads all over the place.

Oh, okay.

I thought he was like he'll go home and get killed by a meth head in Jersey.

No,

he'll make it back to Jersey if he doesn't get killed by a method.

I think

New Mexico.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Like, man,

that dude who played short round in Temple of Doom, he came into the stand-up comedy.

He sucked.

Like, oh, look, that guy was awful.

So, short round, one of my heroes.

So,

Holly, one of my best friends in the entire world.

She's rocking back and forth.

He's nervous.

The end of that has to be like the punchline short round.

You don't lead with short round and then Peter off after that.

Not to mention he doesn't hate the guy.

All he did was like, I think he won an Oscars.

Who the fuck hates short rounds?

Everybody, he's like one of the most beloved people on the planet even before this recent run.

I just can't even imagine

you throw out that first.

I guess that's the first joke, right?

Technically, that's the first joke.

I think so, yeah.

And

there wasn't a reaction.

Response to that.

Yeah, that

would make me be like, all right, thank you.

Good night.

And just walk off.

It really would.

I'd be like, I'm done.

If I don't get that initial reaction, it's like, you know, it's just going to be

nothing left.

I would be totally thinking and totally like in my head.

Right.

Like when we were creating the show, like, I would be, like, I would be trying material that's like just flopping.

And, you know, I'm up there with Sal and Murray and they're really funny.

So like, it would be like Sal would be killing and I'd be working on a joke and it just flopped.

So it would be like hysterical laughter.

Then it'd be my turn to talk and it was just crickets.

So it's like, I know what he's going through, but it's, you know, you got to do it.

You got to do it.

There is something to do.

You got to power through it.

You have no choice.

I've seen professional comedians restart their bits like three times after fucking up.

Yeah.

Like when I went to see Artie Lang, like the crowd was fucking merciless to this woman.

They were just like, Artie, Artie.

And she had to start the same bit three times.

She wasn't funny, which was a problem.

But they don't give a fuck.

They just want to see Artie.

They just want to see Artie.

Yeah.

I did a stand-up thing with Jiggy one time.

And there is something to people not liking you because this was certainly not my crowd.

This was like a bunch of like early 20-somethings, mid-20-somethings, more of a woke crowd.

So when I started bringing up Harvey Weinstein and shit,

they weren't crazy about it.

See the humor in it.

Yeah, there's something to be like, okay, none of them like me.

Fuck it.

I'm going to go ahead anyway.

Who cares what they think?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been on downward spirals and committed to them.

Yeah, you got to

do that.

However, the first time we ever met, she tried to kick me out of the Albuquerque Press Club, not really welcoming the newcomers over there.

And her especially.

I referred to her as the surly bartender.

However, she warmed up to me.

I told her I was the

guest, the comedy booker for the all-new Star Search.

And she warmed up to me immediately.

Hold on one second.

I don't know who he's talking about.

This this actually, what I want to talk about actually.

She actually introduced him, I think.

Oh, okay.

It has nothing to do with Ming because you guys have the TV on, and the spice, a Spice Girls video is on.

Yeah, we might have to get Giddam in on this.

But you were at this conversation at my birthday party.

Apparently, somebody asked Getham who his perfect woman, his type is.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he said, Sporty Spice.

Sporty Spice.

I was shocked.

I've never heard anybody say that.

I'm kind of curious.

Hey, Gethem.

I know we're doing Ming, but

there's not much meat on this bone.

I got to be honest.

Get him!

What's up with Sporty Spice?

Yeah, come here a second.

This sister's making the rounds at the birthday party the other night.

That you want to fuck Sporty Spice?

Which one is Sporty?

She's the one that

the orange crop top?

Yeah.

The one that you just assumed didn't like guys.

Oh, why would I get that?

This is the first time I've ever seen a video of them.

Yeah, I mean, they're fucking, this is like, you know.

I'm more of a scary guy myself.

Yeah?

Which one's that?

That's the black one.

I mean, she looks fucking phenomenal.

She's hot.

Well, I just, I've never, not that, like, I don't look at her and been like, she's gross.

I'm just never heard anybody not even say, who's your favorite spice girl?

I mean, Elsie looks amazing.

Who's your favorite bicep girl?

You used her as an example of your dream woman.

And I've never heard you say that before.

Yeah, I was shocked when I heard him say that.

I think it's the song just played, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it was like, it was at the top of my head.

So still And it's very recognizable.

You know, it was, you know, context-wise.

How old do you have been when this video came out?

When they, when these girls hit big, would you have been in your late teens, early teens?

I definitely would have been over 18.

So I would say over 18.

Yeah.

This is the 90s.

So yeah.

I'm kind of annoyed because

I thought for sure that you would have said one of the girls for mama.

I thought I taught you that Mary Tyler Moore was the perfect woman.

Sadly, the Mary Tyler Moore theme song is not playing at a birthday party.

I did a spit take when he didn't say Doris Day.

Well, I wasn't there.

He would have known better if you would come.

Nobody else would have known who I was talking about, but Walt would have.

And I would have got a thumb up and a nod like Grizzly Adams.

Yeah, it spread throughout the party.

It's like, get them to be happy archives.

Richard Kind was the one who told him.

He was like, what's this I heard

about get them liking sporty spice?

Oh, I was so angry that he left before you

was able to get a picture with him.

Well, that's the other thing.

There were signs all over the party wall.

No photos, no videos, no social media.

So why are you asking me for a photo with the guy?

No, no, I told Brian what I was going to do is try to lure him into the back room where the photos were.

Oh, there was a photo-friendly room, correct.

But I said, would that seem strange if I was like, hey, would you go into this back room with me so I could get a photo with you?

He would have done it.

He would have loved it.

When I talked, I introduced myself.

I said hello, and I said, you know, I really love your work, but I think my favorite anecdote involving you, and it was the, who the fuck is Brian?

Oh, did he know it?

Yeah, he remembered it.

He absolutely remembered it.

Yeah.

Vamp, vamp for me.

Yeah, I told him that I liked him as St.

Peter in the new history of the world, part two.

So what is it about Sporty that does it for you?

Out of the five, she is the you know, I like I've always kind of been

I don't want to say tomboyish, you know, attracted to like the tomboy,

you know,

you're like it's kind of like being gay without being totally gay.

I don't know.

It it's

I don't know.

It just

it just, you know, strikes a chord with me.

I think I think maybe being raised on a farm, being around girls who weren't the traditional with dresses and all that other stuff, like it's just I mean, she's not hideous.

Yeah, yeah, no.

She's attractive, for sure.

What happened to Kathy Ireland, though?

I'm still attracted to her, you know, but again, we were at it.

We were.

Aren't you attracted to anyone from the 21st century?

He only likes girls that are in black and white.

No, I used to have Kathy Island calendars.

I knew somebody who got me the St.

Patty's Day stand-up of my father.

Oh, remember those?

That green dress?

Yes.

Yes.

You get all the swimsuit issues with her in it.

I even had a signed photo from her.

I'm not sure where that ever ended up.

We're talking to the mic a little bit more.

I can't hear you as well.

Yeah.

Wow.

So, how did it, who asked you about, like, how did it come out that

at how did you get out the information at my birthday party?

That's what was the song came on, and somebody was like, I think it was Cousin Helen.

Cousin Helen.

Yeah.

She was sitting there.

She is fascinated with Giddam.

She is.

She was like, when Giddam left to go get some drinks or something, she was telling me, she's like, what's his story?

Like, he's a good-looking guy.

Like, what's.

Yeah.

Why doesn't he have a girlfriend?

I'm like,

two more minutes minutes talking to you.

There's a host of other things going on.

You're experiencing the microcosm of

get him in an almost buzz state.

Yeah, you were dressed up, you had a shirt tucked, he was dancing.

He fucking gimps around here, dude.

If you saw him cutting the rug, he was dancing all over the place.

He was dancing with Ming and Mary Beth.

Yeah, he paid for it, right?

This week, right?

Oh, did you?

Popping all day.

Because there was a lot of ibuprofen on the way home that night.

Oh, that was fun, though.

All right, so just for to this day, though, all right.

So it doesn't come up, it only came up because of the song, yeah, because I was like trying to think of something that was right.

It's like, again, right at the forefront of my mind, and I figured the audience that I was talking to would know that reference.

Sure, for sure, for sure.

You know, hey, Melissa Joan Hart, you know, Britney Spears, you know, you know, but that was what was playing with them.

No, not Tabitha.

Is that the girlfriend?

That's Sabrina?

Oh, yeah, Sabrina.

Sabrina, yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

Oh, my ex-G-I-F was it.

No,

my ex kind of looked like her a little.

So, you know, it was, you know, she was kind of cool.

Kind of looked like her.

Yeah,

nothing like her.

The hard painting version of her.

She did.

We know what she did.

Melted fucking face up.

She did.

When we were going out, she was looking at her.

Three tits.

When we were going out, she kind of looked like Melissa Joan Hart, like, you know, early in her career.

She was mildly disfigured.

Oh, yeah.

Sabrina Teenage Witchbush explains it all.

Yeah.

So those are the shows I grew up with.

And who's your contemporary girl, the girl that

in today's

speak?

Wednesday Adams

would be Brian Johnson.

I've never watched that show.

I don't know.

It's tough to pick.

Really?

Yeah.

Even with Anna Dahmus, right there, you still can't,

it's still hard.

Because, like, I don't really watch a lot of contemporary stuff that I could.

Model out.

You didn't see the new Blade Runner?

No, no, no, I did not.

Oh, boy.

All right.

We were watching Partridge Trail yesterday.

So we know the Partridge Mom is hot as hell.

All right.

Fair enough.

Yes.

And Shelly Jones.

And I said she wore a hot pants.

We've got that episode.

Remember when she was singing Whale Song?

Who's who played Yolana?

Every channel's blocked except me, TV.

Who's Yolana?

Who?

Yolana.

Who?

Yolana in the Black Widow movie.

Oh, Florence Pooh, Pooh, Pooh, yeah.

Oh, the Russian girl?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, she's attractive.

Yeah, but she's got to be considered contemporary.

Oh, yeah.

I think she's cutting edge right now, right?

Yeah, and seeing her kick ass and everything else like that.

You like that?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Very good.

All right.

Thanks.

Did you hear Ming's stand-up?

Yes.

What's your reviews?

We're in the middle of it right now, so don't give it no spoilers.

Yeah, for a first time, which he claimed, you know, forgetting that he did it for CBM, it was pretty good.

You guys all got that fucking line ready to go, huh, around here?

I can't let that go.

Well, that well, that's his condition.

Like, you know, that, like, he sees that mistake, and that just like bugs him.

Like, he can't let it go.

Oh, I tweeted him.

Yeah, as I was saying, like, that's, but that's, like, bothers him on a level that you don't understand.

Really?

Yeah, that's the kind of thing, like, the OCD kind of thing.

That's what Cousin Helen didn't see.

Yeah, and like he tells everybody that mentions it, he's like, that's not the first time.

Like, it's this weird thing that just this stumbling block that's in front of him that can't be removed.

Yeah, or Ming admits that that wasn't his first time until he gets him to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't Ming say anything to your tweet?

No, but he did say something to me at your party because I brought it up.

Got it.

Make sure he remembered that it wasn't the first time he did it.

I mean, I would give it to Ming that technically, I mean, the way we shot that, it was his first time at stand-up.

Like, he didn't have to stand there for five minutes straight.

We're two minutes and nine seconds in of yet to hear a joke.

But he's being held to a standard by a lunatic, though.

Yes.

It's not about the quality of the jokes.

It's not about the delivery.

It's like that one little thing is now

can't be removed by him.

Like, he can't even listen to the rest of the stand-up because he made that mistake.

I would have liked him seen the pull out the web shooters.

A little prop comedy a la carry top, you know, across the genres.

Well, I don't know that he doesn't do that because

we're going to listen to it a little more.

Thank you.

Thanks, Goodum.

We learned nothing.

Well, then, my expectations were met.

Yeah.

All right, a little bit more Ming now.

Let's see what he has to say.

Sorry, I just saw the Spice Girls.

Yeah.

Understandable.

So, yeah,

I was like Ed McMahon.

Like, hey, ooh.

Yeah, you win a million dollars in the mail.

Ed McMahon joke?

Works here.

Yeah.

Works in this room.

Right.

Does it work in a room at a comedy club anymore with people in their 20s?

I think we heard by the response.

I wouldn't fight for that reference.

Probably let that one go.

All right.

We're fucking.

I get all excited about it.

how we have Alphon in Practical Jokers this season.

And kids are like, who?

And I'm like, you guys don't know who Alf is?

And they're like, Alf, what the fuck are you talking about?

Alien life form.

Yeah.

We're in some way.

But people above 30 are like, holy fuck, you want Alf?

Yeah.

Yeah, Epic Man reference.

I don't know.

He might want to just strike that from the act.

But he's refining it.

Yeah.

Definitely.

Yeah.

So, like I mentioned, I'm from New Jersey.

I'm from out of town.

And this town's rough, man.

This town is rough.

The first time I ever visited Albuquerque, this guy rolled up to me.

He's like, hey, man, what chili do you prefer?

And I'm like, I don't know, hormel chili with beans.

With beans.

And yeah, guy looked like he wanted to shoot me.

He's got a lot of guns in this town.

So,

oh, my God, today.

Oh, this poor bastard.

Oh, yeah.

This is rough to listen to.

This is like...

This is like Michael Scott level of shit right here.

Yeah.

Well, it's his first time, man.

Right, I get it.

It might get better.

We're worried.

It takes balls.

We're only three minutes in.

It takes balls to go up there with this material for sure.

It takes balls.

He's got them.

He's not to be discouraged.

He shouldn't be discouraged by this.

No, this is a learning experience.

First step in a long journey.

Right.

Every time you do something, we'll be there, Ming.

Exactly.

How resilient is Ming Chen?

Oh, fucking 100%.

Right?

When you put yourself up against the Ming Chen in terms of resiliency factor, it's like he's a 10 and I'm like

2.

You know, if it doesn't go my way 100%, I'm like, I'm not interested in it anymore.

I don't care about it.

And I convinced myself I never cared about it.

You get up there.

You're like, I'm from out of town.

Nobody claps.

You're like, fuck it, I'm out.

All right, man.

Bet this dude, he's like, yeah, man, I used to be...

a bouncer over at knockouts.

You guys know knockouts down the street, the strip club?

And I was like, holy crap, you almost took a bullet there.

Could you imagine dying at knockouts?

Could you imagine somebody shooting you at knockouts?

Like, that's the way you go out.

And I'm like, oh man, you almost took a bullet there.

He's like, yeah, man, the strippers there were so bad I went to shoot myself.

That's the second joke, right?

Well, that's the second joke.

I did hear a groan.

Yeah, why'd they groan?

Because

it was against women.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah, because the strippers are so nasty.

We cut out a stripper joke out of the show.

Oh, yeah?

Really?

Yeah, something about a day shift stripper

getting a good reaction.

It was that.

And another joke, there was a joke where I said to Murray, I go, Yeah, dude, it's bros before hoes.

And then I'd be like, and you're the hoe.

And like, before I said, you're the hoe,

you lose the crowd just saying bros before hoes.

Right.

It's wild.

What world are we in?

I don't get it.

I mean, it's a comedy show.

Like, we're up there fucking around.

And I said, bros before hoes.

It's a creed.

It's true.

I know.

I know that.

It's true.

We all know that.

This is before Mr.

S.

I get it.

But, like, yeah.

Well, if you said that, that's fine.

You said that, that's fine.

But we actually, it lost the audience.

And

so we cut that.

Both of my jokes.

We cut them.

So it was like, yeah, the audience is just, you got to.

Sensitive.

Sensitive, but you know, there's ways around it.

It's all your approach.

It's all your approach.

And he didn't make the right approach, and I didn't make the right approach.

All right.

Making fun of daytime strippers, this guy.

Don't go there again.

Dude, TDs are fantasy world for life, man.

Yeah, right?

Am I right?

You got five kids.

You're like strippers, right?

So

it's rough, man.

It's rough.

Am I correct?

You guys really have a place here called the War Zone?

Yeah.

Is that really true?

Really?

Because I got here.

It's like, oh, man, the War Zone.

You don't want to go there, man.

It's rough.

Like, where I come from in New Jersey, they're like, oh, man, you don't want to go past those train tracks.

That's where the Mexicans hang out, man.

You don't want to go there.

That's where the Mexicans.

You know, he's never been told that in his life.

Never.

Never.

Never.

Well, is there a punchline that justifies that?

I might have cut it off.

Yeah, let it rest.

I wasn't aware of this anti-Mexican sentence.

Yeah, that's fucking.

But, like, last night I went to the war zone and I went to go see the Mexicans.

I went to a place called Cervantes.

I went to go see the Mexicans, man.

That food is awesome, man.

I wore this one for life, man.

Thank you.

So great, man.

So great.

So I'm actually, I'm in town.

This is more a list of the things he's done since he's been there.

How much prep did he do, you think?

He must have written it on a bar napkin right before he went up.

It's very, like, half the time I'm like, what is he talking about?

Who is he talking about?

I think it's just he's rushing it because he's a little bit nervous.

He wants to try to remember everything.

It's not easy.

He definitely wrote it before he just went up there because it's all local references.

Right.

He must have written it when he was there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that a strategy to win over the crowd?

If you keep mentioning your name,

oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's the cheapest pop in the world, but they love it.

Really?

It works.

Just like concerts, you know, when they're like, hello, New Jersey.

And people go, oh my God, I can't believe he said New Jersey.

Yeah, I've never fallen for that, though.

To me, I always saw through that.

I've been to concerts with Walt.

He crosses his arm and frowns when they say New Jersey.

You're not going to get me with that easy easy shit.

Yeah, you've got to work a little bit harder for my clapping.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to give it away because you happen to know what fucking town you're in.

At drunk comedy shows,

it flies.

A nice cheap hobble.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's see what else he has to say about Mexicans.

I'm shooting a movie.

I'm shooting a movie.

Yeah, and I really wanted to apply.

What was the joke?

I don't know.

The joke was that

there was somewhere.

It's a very dangerous area to go in and he went there to look at mexicans because he assumes that they're going to be the dangerous ones and then they just made him good food then and then he went to a mexican restaurant and he loved it so warzone forever all right hey all right okay

guys for your diversity here in albuquerque um asian porn is really huge in this town and uh

who knew who knew to anybody out there who loves um you know short-dicked asian people yeah man like it's a big market here i had no i had no idea I had no idea.

Thank you very much.

Diversity.

It's getting better for the Asians in film.

We got to start somewhere, man, right?

Right?

Uh, like how I mentioned, um, I was on a TV show called Comic Book Men.

Uh, used to air on AMC.

I'm called Walkie Dead.

Applause for applause.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

No applause, no recognition.

What was that?

Yeah.

He's he, he had an angle, the Asian angle.

He had it.

I mean, if right now

he has a unique pass to talk about Asians in a comedic way, that could be his market right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He could say anything he wants.

Yeah, I don't know if I'd lead with the short dick stuff, but like.

He could do the me Chinese joke if he felt like.

Oh, God.

People are dying for that classic, and he's the one that can do it.

But he won't.

He won't.

He's too busy talking about Asian porn and war zones.

I'll say,

you guys got to shut.

You can't have the music.

The music videos from the 90s are playing.

No, don't shut it off now.

Don't shut it off now.

Oh, just girls, girls, girls.

No, this is

Alicia Silverstone Arrow Smith with these two fine-looking strumpets running around.

Very distracting in the background.

It really is.

I got my back to it, so I don't have to look at those two.

Looking all good.

I'm going to listen to more Ming Chen.

All right, sorry.

I got seven seasons, 96 episodes, 96 fun-filled episodes.

Unfortunately, we got canceled a few years ago, and I'm doing comedy underneath the liquor store in Albuquerque.

Yeah, so I know you guys are in comedy.

You guys want me to bitch

a little self-deprecating humor.

The delivery was the problem there.

Yes, but that was a solid, that would get a solid hit if he delivers that right.

That's pretty common for people to be like, I can't believe I'm in blah, blah, blah, because I used to do blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

But it's good, though.

It's a good, like, it's a slam on the place.

It's a slam on him.

I like that.

I like that.

Right.

I used to be somebody.

Almost.

Like, you know, a big comedian.

Save your money, guys.

Save your money.

I wish I did.

Yeah, I

spent that shit like water, man.

My name is Mason.

He's saying he spent his comic bookmen money like water?

I guess so.

I wonder if that's true.

I know I did, but it wasn't like water.

It was like drugs.

Right.

But I wonder if he saved any of it.

I don't know.

Why would he say that?

Unless it's true.

Yeah.

Damn.

Well, what did he spend when he was trying to embark on a comedy career?

Yeah, I know.

What could he have possibly spent in a lot of travels?

He travels a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, but doesn't he get paid?

He does, but like, I mean, what is he spending once he's there?

I don't know.

I don't know enough about me.

Yeah.

I've sunk mine all the way, man.

I know.

You're paid for a dog.

Motherfucker.

I brought a dog.

I brought a couple jerseys, you know, new, not like signed jerseys.

Right.

The rest went in the bank.

It's a wise man right there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I could be a financial consultant.

Mine went into my gullet.

Where were you when I needed you to consult me?

I was fucking on your balls.

I was like, why are you buying all these fucking pens?

All these high-end $100 pens.

It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

It's never going to rain again.

Get yourself a pen.

I was like, how much is this pen?

You don't want to know.

That was just like, what, dude?

You got a problem.

Dude, I got real into felton pens for a short while.

Where are they?

Where are they?

They're at home.

Somewhere in a box.

How many did you buy?

Probably like, I don't know, maybe four or five.

Oh, that's not too crazy.

But they were pens.

It does the same thing that a fucking 50-cent Bic would do.

Yeah, no, there's a different feeling to like a high-end pen for sure.

I don't know you need four of them, but I thought you were going to say you had like 10 or 15.

And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no.

You're talking to, look, you're talking to a person that

has had pencils and pens in between his svelte fingers.

Yeah.

I know that

there is the difference between a nice pencil and a nice marker, but not fucking what he was spent.

What's he doing?

What's he writing?

And he needs to fucking write it down.

I couldn't even read my hand.

Yeah, I don't know why I was super into pens.

All he was writing it down is what he wanted for lunch for the fucking PAs to bring him

on his fucking $150 pen.

I still can't read it.

Just text it to me.

Could you eBay that pen?

Did you get your money back?

I might be able to.

Yeah, I have like one that's retractable.

That one was like $150.

There was another one that was

a little bit over $100.

That's like a real cool, like, metal forge.

Such a strange, it's just a strange thing.

They like fucking splurge on it.

I wasn't in my right mind back then.

You could point at anything I did back then.

That's not the right decision.

I was given a pen for closing some deal, and it was like a thousand dollar pen, and I never use it because I'm like, I'm not terrified of it.

Yeah, I'm like, I don't, what am I going to do with this fucking thing?

You were just giving it to you as a gift?

Yeah, we

closed some contracts so the people that we closed it with bought us gifts, and it was like a thousand-dollar pen.

Like, what goes into making it a thousand-dollar pen?

Like, what's it made out of, like, fucking solid gold?

There is a gold element to it, yeah.

No, silver, silver, not even gold, yeah, there's a silver element to it.

It's a fountain pen.

Um,

I don't even remember who makes it because it's too nervous to fucking use it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where's it at right now?

You know, if I was on IJ, I would have been buying $1,000 pens.

Oh, yeah.

I can only afford $150.

It's in storage now.

But I know where it is.

In storage, like not on the premises where you even live?

No.

Oh, wow.

No.

I have like a career storage thing that has all props and

like banners from Madison Square Guard and stuff like that.

Like as these things come in, costumes.

Oh, kind of like

a trophy

unit.

Yeah, like Batman's Cave.

Yeah.

Except it's all in a box and it's all boxed up.

I have an underground

underneath my house.

It's full of all TSD shit.

Yeah.

Just everywhere.

My wife is just like, you got to get a storage unit.

And I'm like, I'm not getting a storage unit.

That's what Mary Peth said.

She goes, why don't you guys get a storage unit instead of putting all this shit in your houses?

Because I don't feel like driving to it in the middle of the night when I need one fucking thing.

And I'm driving driving all the way to Hazlet to fucking go into the storage unit to get one thing.

That's why.

Yeah, it's just too easy.

But there's a lot of shit under my house.

All right, we only got a little bit more.

All right, yeah.

So far, I'm waiting for power through this.

I'm waiting for a joke.

I'm full-blooded Chinese, full-blooded Chinese, mom and dad, full-blooded Chinese.

I love disappointing white people.

I love it.

The best way to disappoint white people is to be, they're like, oh man, where are you from?

Hong Kong, Taiwan?

I'm like, no, Cleveland?

I was born in Cleveland, Ohio.

Yeah, they're

like, their faces just fall.

So it's, yeah, it's awful.

White picks.

Where are my short kings at?

Jake, where are you?

He's originally from.

Is he from Cleveland?

I thought he was from Michigan originally.

I think Cleveland originally, then Michigan,

and then Jersey.

Okay.

So the white people are disappointed.

Do a lot of white people say to him, Where are you from Hong Kong?

Do you think?

I doubt it.

About as many people as tell him not to cross the tracks at the Mexican town.

He did way better than I could do, though.

I mean,

yeah, he did like, like, that was like Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy,

Andrew Dice Clay, who are some of the other big names in his, oh, George Carlin, like, and Ming Chen.

And then if I, yeah, like, like, he looked like those level of comedians compared to what if I went up there.

I don't know, man.

I've seen you lie.

I don't write joke.

I don't do jokes.

That's true.

Yeah, I've never fucking written a joke, I don't think.

They're too hard.

Yeah.

You get somebody to write your material for you.

Lots of comedians do that.

Yeah.

Not me.

Jake, you back there?

I keep meeting these women and be like, oh man, I don't date short guys.

I don't date short guys.

I want to write hues.

I don't date short guys.

I'm like, bitch, when we're lying down horizontal, we're the same size, man.

We're the same height.

So when they're like, Bonnie, are you out there?

We're the same height.

If we're

pushing lying down with

bitch, yeah.

that's that's Andrew Dice's level of like tone.

Like, I'm getting the vibe of Andrew Dice going,

yo, bitch,

like, sounds like bitter like some bitch.

Sucked my cuck.

He sounds bitter like the bagel shrimp, like doing like size jokes and stuff.

Yeah, he's like, I'm tired of being called short.

Like, and he has a wife, he has a wife, yeah.

What is he talking about?

He's praying for Debbie.

Bitch, laying down, we're we're all the same height.

That's not true.

It's totally not true.

Yeah, it's not even an accurate joke.

No.

He's not being true to himself.

That's why this isn't going well.

That's why, yeah, he's not being honest.

All right.

Bonnie, I'm at the Hotel Zaz later.

Yeah, all right.

Thank you very much.

That's all I got for you.

Hoverless, okay.

Tip these guys, ball.

They're amazing.

Or I'm going to Tony Soprano, you're asking from New Jersey.

Do not take a joke in the bathroom.

And remember, Puff Daddy is good.

But what would you do?

What's the best?

It's the best.

And listen to Tendrick Minimum.

Thank you very much, guys.

Thank you.

And what do you have with Cookie?

Thank you.

Not one.

Tell him, Steve Dame.

Shout out.

Him and John May are both hard.

I don't know what's going on with these people.

Yeah, he should stick with it.

That wasn't a total disaster.

I agree with that.

Yeah.

I've seen people get up there and freeze.

Right.

Not be able to say anything.

Yeah.

He's just got to hone it.

Yeah.

He's got to hone it.

He's got to, well, he's got to come up with some jokes.

He needs a more solid

jokes and he needs to slow down.

Could he do the

Mike and Ming joke aspect?

Could he introduce that level of jokes where

Mike and Ming jokes, like ones that you threw fast and furious at him?

Could he kind of turn it around and tell those jokes about him and Mike?

Are they people like, who's Mike?

We don't even know who you are.

It would be interesting to go.

You know, a lot of people say, me and my friend Mike are gay together.

So, no, it probably wouldn't be able to an angle he could work.

I feel like it wouldn't fly.

The only reason my gay jokes worked was because you were there.

Otherwise,

I think I would have been very lost on comic bookmen.

Is that we have so many weird friends doing so much weird shit.

We just constantly have things to talk about.

Yeah.

It is strange.

You look around at these maniacs that we're going through life with, and you're like, they're all fucking nuts.

And Ming's like, I know it.

I'll get up there with no material.

I'll reference that I'm from Jersey and you guys are from Albuquerque.

And then I'll tell a couple of, you know.

He took a shot at white people.

He tried to fucking make that work.

That's easy.

That's easy now.

You can't even make that work.

Yeah, I know, really.

Yeah, but we still got it, Ming, man.

You know, I'm surprised he posted that.

I'm proud of him for doing it.

Yes.

I'm glad he did it, and I hope he continues to do it.

Yeah, I would love nothing more than to announce that Ming Chen is opening for the Umbrant Joe.

Could you swing that?

Sorry,

swing it right now, couldn't you?

Could you swing it right now, but you'd bring him that to you?

He's got to give me material to go in with.

He just uses the same Albuquerque material in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, whatever.

I usually let Sal handle that stuff, but

if I was my show.

You championed him.

Yeah, you should, like, not even joking around, send this to Sal.

That would be so funny.

I want him to open.

And just be like, I think, like,

could you do that

and bring back the response to his response to it?

Oh, that would be so funny.

Like, if you play straight, like.

We'll have Sal, come on.

We'll just have Sal, come on.

But he won't be honest, though.

He might.

I don't know.

Oh, he won't get Ming here.

He won't.

No way.

You don't think so?

No way.

He could give us a nice guy.

No, but this is stand-up, man.

This is like these guys, they take the views.

But if you present to him, like, hey, I want to hire Ming to come on the road with us to open up.

I think he's really good.

I know we got to stretch this out a little bit longer, but like, watch this.

He's really good.

And just get, just get, just watch the page.

I want to see the textbook.

Yeah.

That's online.

I'll send them a link.

That's online.

Yeah.

I'll send you the link.

I'll send Sal the link.

All right, before we go, though, you know, still, let's remind the listeners

your plea to them.

Yeah, March 31st at the Smod Theater, Smod Theater,

Bradley Jokers movie.

Doing a Q ⁇ A afterwards.

Please do not bring this up.

Please do not bring the reveal up.

You know what not to bring up.

I mean, if you guys want to drop me a wink when Kevin's not looking, that's fine.

That's fine.

But don't put me in that spot.

Yeah, don't do that to old Q.

What has he ever done to you?

He just got you a sweet.

He was his fucking tote bag.

Come on, guys.

Yeah, you guys got this tote bag.

I never asked you for anything.

You know?

Yeah.

I think you're going to be fine.

I think you're going to have no sweat.

No sweat.

No sweat.

You don't have anything to worry about, man.

There's not going to be even narrow mention.

If it comes up, just start busting into Ming's material.

Just rip them off.

Well, we have a couple of weeks before it goes.

You know how I disappoint white people?

I disappoint every nationality.

Also, before we go, Walt, I got to tell you about Raycon.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

Got an ad?

I didn't forget.

We were so into it.

They're going to dig this ad at the last fucking

two seconds of the time.

I hear so many good things about Raycon.

They should fucking dig it no matter where we put it.

I've had many, many listeners tell me, like, oh, I bought Raycons and I love them, man.

They're great.

This time of year, everyone's talking about making big changes, which is all well and good, but most of the time, it's pretty unrealistic.

All right, they're still talking about New Year's resolutions, so

we're not going to talk about that.

The smallest changes in your team can make the biggest impact.

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And yep, Raycon start at half the price of other premium audio brands, so you don't even have to choose between products.

You can get one of each or a pair and a spare and still pay less than you would with some of those other guys.

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They have three customizable sound profiles, earbud tap functions,

noise isolation, awareness mode, custom gel tips, crystal clear call quality, water and sweat resistant.

And eight hours of playtime for everyday earbuds or 11 hours for the

sweat resistant.

I guess like when you're working out on your ear, your ear canals get all sweaty.

Really?

I don't think I've ever had my ears get sweaty.

Well, you mean any part of your body has ever dripped sweat?

Dripped sweat?

Oh, all the time.

Oh, no.

I don't think I've ever.

No matter how hard I've exerted myself, my hair doesn't get wet.

Yeah.

Other people I know, like, you know, even playing ping pong, Frank Five was soaking wet.

He stunk up the whole office.

He did, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

You got a dog's farm.

Frank's not least with a window.

Who's that Lisa?

At least an exhaust fan.

How long is that Lise?

Yeah?

We just signed a new one.

Next October.

I'm not moving all this shit out again.

There's no.

We'll hire people.

Ready to buy something with

a big impact?

What I do is like, Mary Beth has been snoring a lot lately, so I pop in my Raycons and sort of drown her out.

It's usually the guy that snores, right?

Or the dog.

Yeah, or the dog.

It's rough, though.

I got my cat wheezing in one ear, her snoring in the other ear.

You just pop the raycons in.

That's what what I do.

Everybody's sleeping like a newborn baby then, as far as you're concerned.

I don't care.

Go to raycon.com slash TESD today to get 15% off your Raycons.

Your Raycon order, that's buyraycon.com slash T-E-S-D to score 15% off.

That's buyraycon.com slash T-E-S-D.

All kidding aside, though, I think that that's a genius move on Raycon's part to offer the ability to buy one,

bud.

Oh, if you lose one?

Can you?

Yeah, so you read, didn't you?

I don't think so.

I think you're pretty sure you said that, didn't you?

Did I say that?

Yeah,

maybe.

I don't know.

Yeah, I thought that.

Well, if they aren't, they should do that, though.

I know, because I got one crunched.

Like, one of my original ones, I dropped it in the parking lot and I wasn't aware.

So when I came out of the grocery store,

I went to put them in back in my ear.

I'm like, I only got one.

What the fuck?

And I look on the ground, it's there on the ground, like fucking smashed by a car.

It's like, sheesh, that sucks.

So I got more raycons.

Man.

Bought another pair.

What can you do?

I'm a fucking bummer, dude.

Yeah.

It was the worst day of my life.

So other than that, man, that's what we got.

Let's get going, right?

Yeah,

I got a girl with diarrhea.

Got to go take care of that.

Well, I had fun, guys.

Yeah.

I'm around next week.

I think I'm just around.

I'm basically unemployed now.

I love it.

I love it when you come in.

Yeah.

And I love,

they'll take it the wrong way, but I love your unemployment because I'm like, that means maybe he can do more Patreon stuff with this, which makes it so fun, you know, when you're involved.

Yeah, for sure.

That's it.

I'm going to blow up your phone then.

Blow it up?

I'm going to blow it up.

Look at me.

I'm going to fucking be working out and growing my hair.

That's all I'm doing.

There you go.

Touring every other weekend.

Fucking chillaxing, bro.

What's it called?

Chillaxing.

Chillaxing?

Is that a real thing?

You made that up?

No, I didn't make that up.

That's chilling and relaxing.

You put them together.

You're chillaxing.

That's what you got to do.

Yeah, man.

Except, did you earned it?

I think I earned it.

This is a fucking rough.

Last year was a fucking gauntlet.

Now we got a little time.

Now you chillaxe.

Chillax.

Netflix and chill, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All that good stuff.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

It sucked into shows I have about like fucking I watch like six episodes before I even realize it's over.

It's great.

It's wonderful Summer's coming Walt gonna have some barbecues you're gonna come by I will yeah yeah I want to do one in the uh in the parking lot here.

Oh

can we do that?

Yeah, I thought we could do one behind the behind the building and we gotta get like a permit film it and yeah how it's that we gotta get like a permit i don't think so i don't think anybody would see us back though i don't think anybody would care no let's do it yeah we could do like a four-colored demons thing yeah oh no no not with not with listeners oh just us yeah just us oh i was about to give directions i'm like just pass the dumpsters

fair enough well can i wear my vest you can wear yeah that's all you need to wear All right, I'll wear nothing but it.

Flip-flops, shorts, and my vest, some short shorts, and my sneakers.

I'm in.

Flip-flops.

Yeah, flip-flops will complete that.

Yeah, I'll be the guy stanking like that.

Stanking like that stanky Yankee over there looking real happy and unemployed.

Steve Dave.

I love you all.

Please, please, please, please don't do it.

I'm begging you.

I know you want to do it.

I get it.

I fucking get it.

I want you to do it.

But we can't do it.

Don't do it to me.

Please don't do it.

At what point did you fucking realize, like, I can't imagine it was right away.

It just comes to you like in the shower, like a couple days after a green, like,

shit, you're gonna say something.

He's gonna know.

At what point you're like, was it right away?

It was right away.

Or did you just stumble into it and be like, oh no.

I was thinking about answering questions for the movie, and I was like, oh, wait a minute.

Maybe some of the questions won't be about the movie.

Just runs out of the theater, like perched through the emergency exit.

The fire alarm goes off when Ray Konza sparked all this quick shit.

You'll be fine.

You'll be fine.

All right, dude.

When you put your trust in the ants,

it's rewarded.

It is.

Okay.

Well, you guaranteed.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.