#527: Barbara Eden is 90!!

It really showed me what a piece of shit I was.

Can you draw helmets this penis for us?

Fucking Johnson.

Yeah.

Somehow it looks like Follow Johnson.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

This is Brian.

I'm here with Walt.

Yo.

And I'm here with BQ.

Hello.

And I apologize in advance if the acoustics sound weird.

We're not recording in the Tellum Steve Dave offices.

We're recording in my new home,

which is empty.

There's no furniture or anything to absorb the sound.

It's a little bare, but it's gorgeous.

And it's really, really nice.

Yeah.

Better than the crap house.

You've been to the shithouse, Walt.

I've been to both.

The old place and your old place.

Your old place had a certain charm, though.

You know what?

It was good for what I needed it for at the time.

Yep.

You know, Sage needed to to go to school.

That was the closest place.

That was a cheap place.

I mean, $1,500 a month.

Like,

you're not getting it anymore.

That's like ghetto-level

rent right there.

You almost sold the pond.

Undersold it.

You like it?

It's multiple waterfalls, multiple channels of water.

At least two different main ponds.

It's pretty expansive, man.

You have like an ecosystem out there.

It is.

And everybody asks the same question, Walt asked.

And I asked myself, too.

I'm like, why are the raccoons and possums and shit not eating these fish?

What do you think?

I have a theory.

Okay.

It's a pretty wide pond and deep.

So unless the raccoons are going to go jumping into it,

like I think the fish are pretty, it's not like someone, like a pissant pond that some loses front yard.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, I've seen them.

Yeah, those pathetic things.

You got like a real pond.

No, it's like the raccoon.

I don't think that they can just.

They can't reach with their hands.

Yeah, I think there's so much, it's so deep and so wide that they're not able to get it, you know.

Could it also be the color of the fish, though, is like one of their natural or nature's protection where they're so brightly colored that some animals fear those colors because they think they're poisonous?

I mean, you ever heard that about the frogs, you know?

Yeah, the more colorful the frog, the more poisonous, the more deadly.

I don't know if raccoons put that together.

They're pretty smart, man.

Did you ever read that book, Rascal?

Oh, my God.

what an awesome reference!

Not really, no one got it but you.

What is it?

It's like a book we had to read in eighth grade about a boy who raised a raccoon, rascal the raccoon, yeah.

My God, I never would have thought of that again.

I had you not mentioned it.

Rascal the raccoon.

I'm looking it up.

Still around.

Yeah.

They made an animated series about it in Japan.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe it's not

such a bad reference.

Not at all.

Still current.

Well, the Japanese audience is going to love it.

But I asked.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The original run was in 1977.

Is that true?

Yeah.

52 episodes in.

Hey, Star Wars came out in 77.

We're still talking about that shit.

You're right.

What's the difference?

But I also asked about the fish.

How do they survive the Jersey winter?

And Bry said that they freeze for the winter and then they come back to life or they unfree or thaw out

in the spring.

I've heard that as well.

What are the odds?

What are the odds that the first winter with a Brian Johnson at the helm?

Those fish

come back to life in the spring.

See you next spring.

Sleep well with the snooze.

Are you taking bets?

How many of those fish,

come on, how many of those fish are going to come back to life in the spring?

Step one's going to be count.

I mean, there's about a thousand of them.

Just see how many fucking fish there are.

I'm also thinking, like, how are some of these fish eating?

There's way too much too many fish for kids.

They must be eating each other.

Yeah, it was like the Times Square of Ponds.

There's just thousands of fish in there.

Yeah,

there's that main pond where all like the big ones hang out, and then there's like this sub-pond where like all the little like goldfish guys hang out.

Yeah.

Well, here's where you get to play God, though.

If you have to, if the if the koi guy comes in and is like, you got too many fish in there, some got to go.

You know, here's where you got to make the hard choice of like,

you,

you,

oh, did you name any of the fish yet?

I have not, but Mary Beth swears she's going to name them all.

That's what she's told me.

That is, I would say, functionally impossible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's so many.

many.

There's at least, I would say, 75 fish in there, right?

Probably, yeah.

Goldie one, goldy two.

Oh, no, goldie 26.

Is it looking too good?

Got algae on them.

Yeah, you're going to need yourself a real 24-hour, seven-day-a-week koi guy.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

Like I was telling you guys, like moving in, the previous owners were, I mean, to say they weren't helpful would be overstating.

it's like they were like a negative force but like there was no like and it's like they're your they're your fish like you guys are the one who fucking put them in

your fish now to strangers you would think you'd want them to have the most advantageous crossover or you know because

they don't know you have no

you know experience with koi right which i have to i have to expect that most people's experience with koi is limited right Right.

Yeah.

So

if you do, like if it were me and I'm moving and I have a koi pine, I'm writing down all the instructions.

Yeah.

Check out this pump.

Because right now it looks like there's something with the pump and the water's not coming out as much as it should be.

I think your pump's a little clogged up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Unless the water level is low too.

I don't even know.

Like, I don't know.

Like, do you what do you like?

There was this bottle of algae shit.

It's like

a gallon of it.

And I was like, oh, I guess this is what you put in, you you know, to kill the algae and shit.

The fucking thing is $90

just for a gallon.

It's a small price to pay, though, to keep your coy.

Thankfully, most of it's full.

Yeah, it's like,

if I have algae all over them, I'm like,

spending 90 bucks.

You told me you have two tubs upstairs, right?

There's two tubs upstairs.

And you said one of them is you wouldn't even get in, right?

Well, in the master.

Right now.

In the condition of the business.

Right, right, right, right, yeah.

Why don't you just, for this first winter,

play it safe?

Play it safe.

Get all those fish out of the pond and turn upstairs into a little koi tub.

I mean, it's not the worst idea I've heard so far.

It's not, really.

I mean, this way you could ensure, you know, that there's no like awful spring, you know, the black spring.

Saints, save, let's watch the unfawing.

You could.

I wouldn't suggest doing it.

I don't think they'd fit in a bathtub.

There's so many fucking fish.

But you have that giant storage area down there, which I'm going to argue right now for you to fucking finish and turn that into a fucking sweet ass room downstairs because that is huge.

But you could probably get like a

giant fish tank

and put them in there for the winter.

Probably could, yeah.

No, I'm fishing out fucking 75 fish tank

because Walt says.

But why don't you

play it safe, and that's going to cost you a fortune.

Right.

Get yourself like one of those little plastic pools.

Oh, like a baby pool?

Like a Target or something.

Right.

And just fill that up and just, you know, and then bring it inside.

Keep it in the living room.

Well, not in the living room, but keep it in a room where, you know, and then this way you can ensure that the fish

make it through this first winter before.

And then you bone up on all your koi knowledge.

You know, this way all winter, yeah, you figure it out.

Get that pond in tip-top shape.

I've always dreamed of dedicating most of my time to learning about something I don't care about.

You bought the house.

It's your responsibility now.

You gotta.

Yeah, it's like Leon the Professional.

It's like, now I'm responsible for all their lives because I saved them.

That's it.

Exactly.

You own those fish, man.

Yeah, they're my fish.

They're your fish.

You gotta fucking take care of them.

I mean, you might, as I say, like Q said, there's so many.

Like, you may have to, like, think about fixing some of those male fish because they're fucking way too much.

There's way too much fish in there.

I don't know if they're eating.

It's 500 bucks an operation.

Perfect.

I think there's way too many fish in there.

I don't know if some of those little guys are getting any of those pellets thrown on.

Yeah, I think you might be right.

Mary Beth swears one of them is pregnant, too.

And then I like, I did look that up, and they don't

have eggs on the outside or something.

They don't have live babies or whatever.

Thank God you live in Jersey and get that koi abortion.

Yeah, I know, right?

And you don't have to worry about any hooks to jump through.

Christ for the blue sticks.

That's only $1,000.

There's another way to go.

You go to the pet store, you buy a fucking couple of turtles, you throw them in there, and you fucking circle of life, baby.

Those turtles take care of those fish in like three weeks.

Yeah, no doubt.

I don't know.

Some of those fish are big enough.

It looks like they might be able to take on a turtle.

But the small, it'll definitely thin the herd.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

I would have a hard time getting that past Mary Ben.

I'm like, you know those fish you lost?

Why is the water so red?

It looks like when the Japanese kill those dolphins and shit.

Just fay of blood.

Oh, I took care of our overpopulated koi

very badly.

I think I fucked up.

It's horrific.

It's way worse than I thought it was going to be.

I'm not ready for this.

Can you clean it out?

But no, what if you, but like, the trick is to introduce it to the turtles, get her to love the turtles.

And then the turtles become more important than the fish to her.

Give them cute names.

Like a buzz saw.

They tear through the fucking fish.

Do turtles do anything at a buzzsaw rate?

It's going to be a torturous, slow, agonizing death for those koi.

By spring, only two koi fitting.

God damn it.

And turtles, too.

Turtles, I know I've told this story on the show before, though.

I remember Pam telling me that turtles do the same thing, they'll like dive to the bottom.

And like, I had this little terrarium, which couldn't have been more than six inches deep with dirt and shit in it.

And my mother was like, Well, yeah, the turtles will just dig down and bury themselves for the winter.

But I think it has to be a lot deeper than six inches, and it has to be in water because that spring when I went to check out the turtle, it's like its eyes were hollowed out and shit.

It was all dried up.

I was like, oh no, Timmy.

Where was it?

Was it inside?

No, it was outside.

I don't know why we didn't just keep him inside.

Like, in retrospect.

Like, I didn't even think about it until this very instant.

Why did she just fucking let me keep him inside?

It's so weird.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that was really half-assed.

Wow.

But, so, yeah, I'm not,

we're not really in here yet.

We're still living in the crooked house.

I was misled.

Okay.

I was told.

Bamboozled.

Yeah, pretty much.

I was told it's going to be two days of painting.

I just want to paint the two rooms.

That's it.

And I was like, all right, that'll go pretty quickly.

Who told you this?

This is what Mary Beth told me.

And I listened.

And then she's like, well, I want to paint this.

And, you know, I'm just going to go to Lowe's and get some paint.

And I was like, okay.

She came back with fucking 15 gallons of paint

for every different room.

I'm like, it looks like fucking Pride Month, man.

It's like

every color of the fucking rainbow.

Too colorful for you.

I like the darker rooms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Her room,

she has like a little craft room that she's going to set up.

And

that room's a little bright for me, that blue room.

Has she figured out that she has to introduce this slowly to a Brian Johnson?

She can't be like, we're just going to paint one room.

And she knew she was lying the whole time.

And, you know, just to not overwhelm you with too much painting.

She's manipulative enough that I

that's a probability.

Just not to overwhelm you and make it feel like it's too daunting.

We're just going to paint one room.

And then I'm like, well, how much?

How many coats are we going to put?

You sure got a lot of paint.

Wow, it needs 15 gallons to cover that, huh?

I didn't know.

I didn't think that.

I learned a lot about paint today.

It's just a white room.

I wouldn't think it would be that much.

Boy, they sure don't make paint the way they used to, huh?

Well, we're going to take care of the fish, right?

Yeah, so now, like, I mean, down to like low, low priority rooms, like the

room with like the washer and dryer in it and shit.

And I'm looking at like a sheet tape.

That needs a coat, too.

Yeah.

I agree with that, and I'm like, this looks perfect.

I'm like you.

I'm just like,

the walls have a dingy

smoker after look.

That's fine with me.

Previous tenants smoked.

That's okay.

If it's over dingy.

I agree with her.

You got to paint everything, every inch.

I don't know about every inch, but I did like there's a wall behind you right there that like you can tell the

like just like human sweat and oils and people living here for years.

Like once you once you put that new coat on, you're like, all right, this does look a lot better and it feels cleaner and shit, you know?

But

at what

but then you're erasing everybody who's ever been here though, right?

Oh god,

those motherfuckers, they want to teach me about koi.

Fuck them all.

How much never were then?

Yeah, really.

The lady cried when she left, the realtor told me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because they lived here ever since, like, the late 80s.

Oh, boy.

Who's doing the most of the painting?

I would say it's me.

You?

Doing the most painting.

Mary Beth did all the taping.

She liked all that blue tape shit.

That's it.

It was like three straight days.

And she's like, I love it.

But I can't do it.

See, I'm like you, like when

you tell Deb, like, well, obviously I can't go out and do lawn maintenance because I'm going to get fucking poison ivy.

Like, because of my medication, my hands shake.

So I can't, I can't really put the tape on straight.

And do you like, do you, like, amp it up a little bit?

You're like, yeah, like Michael J.

Fox.

You're on the ground convulsing.

She's like, is there an earthquake going on?

No, no, no.

I'm just trying to show you.

There's no way I can hold that paint off.

I mean, I can't.

Painting and tape with.

I mean,

you're a person without tremors.

She was just going to have to come in and redo it anyway if I do it, so why even bother?

You want me to waste your 15 gallons of paint?

Okay, fine.

That's what I'll do.

Yeah, like Edgar's been helping out a lot.

And my brother Darren came up.

He came up yesterday, and he painted for a while.

That's his bottle of Captain Morgan over there.

Oh, surprisingly, very little drank.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was surprised at that, too.

He loves a good rum and coke.

Yeah.

Man, it's a beautiful house, though, man.

A lot of features that I really love.

Wood-burning fireplace.

So nice.

That's like I always wanted a fireplace.

I came close when I lived in the Highlands.

I had a wood-burning stove.

I love that thing, yeah.

Yeah, but that was like, remember, it's like we'd be sitting in the living room, it would be 90, and then like you'd go into the kitchen, and it would be 60.

My wife put a wood-burning stove in the room where I watch TV with the dogs.

And I'm like, she's like, you want to start a fire?

Anytime it goes below like, you know, you know, 40, she's like, go on to like 40 degrees.

She's like, where I start a fire.

I'm like, no, man, the dogs are panting.

it's like a sauna in the room.

It's like, it's the most uncomfortable thing.

The room is just too small for a wood-burning stove.

Right.

But, you know, I like the smell, but that's really the only aspect I like.

Yeah, they have,

and I was told this, but I was like, I don't think so.

Like, there's a way to pump that heat everywhere, like, you know, through ducts and shit.

But I'm like, so now I'm putting in all this ductwork

to force air through.

I'm like, fuck that shit.

And it's, I'll just open the windows and let it go.

And the wood-burning stove also is like the birds.

The fucking birds.

I never had any bird issues, but I know you did.

Yeah, it's a constant.

Why they get in the pipe?

Yeah, and then you can hear them scratching in there.

Well, can't you put like a grill on the outside?

Yeah, they break through the grill, though, man.

Really?

Yeah, they're determined to get in for some reason.

Because of the warmth.

Like, that shit's nice.

Yeah.

I have the one thing I really, really dislike about the place, I don't know if you noticed, but the doors.

Did you notice the doors?

They're very, like, they're hollow, so they're like kind of 80s construction doors.

Very 80s, yeah.

Like the doorknobs are all jiggly and loose.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't notice that, but I understand what you mean.

Yeah, like I like, like, I like your doors where it's like, it's a nice solid wood door.

When you close it, it's like you know it's closed.

Yeah, until you slam your fucking finger on it, which I've done a billion times.

And you're like, why the fuck don't I have 80s doors?

Yeah.

So.

It's beautiful, man.

It's hopefully the

bar downstairs.

A pool table.

It's so useless on me, though.

No.

That's a four-colored demons clubhouse down there, man.

That's true.

Yeah.

Themed.

You're right.

Fuck yeah.

I brought him a little gift card, a little housewarming present.

Where to?

Bed Bath and Beyond.

Bed Bath and Beyond.

It was $200.

Get out of here, right?

It actually cost me $400.

Because I went into the store to buy it.

I didn't buy it at Bed Bath and Beyond.

I brought it at Walgreens.

And I brought it it to

Bath and Body Works, $200.

And my wife goes, oh, no.

What the fuck are they going to do with this?

And I'm like, what?

What do you mean?

She goes, what soap do they need?

She goes, you bought it to Bath and Body Works.

And I was just like, holy fuck.

I was like, why on earth are there stores that similarly named?

Like, why?

And I start to irrational, like, you should have went in and bought it.

Because she didn't want to go in last night and buy it.

And then she was like, you know what to buy.

She goes, buy it.

And I was just like, I'll go in and get it.

I'm looking around.

I'm like, oh, yeah.

She told me me what to buy because I was like, I'm going to get Lowe's.

She goes, No, get Lowe's.

Get something that like at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Wait a minute.

What's it called?

Bed Bath and Bed Bath.

Bed Bath and Beyond.

That's the first thing I would do if I was one of those CEOs.

I'd be like, we got to change our name.

Too close to the other one.

Thank you, though, for

my wife said the same thing.

She goes, I'll use it on Christmas.

I'll buy Christmas gifts with it.

But fuck.

I was just like, fuck a Johnson.

Yeah.

Somehow it looks like.

Yeah, so we were doing uh we're finishing up all the painting this week.

The pod comes tomorrow.

We got to unload all the shit by Friday.

Are you going to have a dumpster here?

I don't think so.

There's like time into all you need to do.

We would make the trip down to

stand.

My fucking dogmen won't take shit from my house.

They just don't.

Really?

You got to be like Frank Five and just drive your garbage around.

Yeah.

Throw it in your car.

I just need someone with a dumpster.

I have so much shit to get rid of.

Like construction debris?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

We can't help.

We have it off.

Is there somewhere you could, like a junkyard, you could just drop it off at?

I haven't considered that yet, but maybe the thing to do is to rent a fucking U-Haul and just load it up and bring it there.

Or, like, there's like there's nature preserves in Staten Island.

Just go and fucking drop it off in one of them.

I've been doing that here and there, but there's only so many things you could do, but it's like refrigerator.

Brian Quinn from a practical joker is like it.

It's like it's a picture of me in like night vision.

Chucking an old toilet into a swamp.

See you later.

Stew goods.

So there'll be updated reports when we finally get in here.

It's a nice house.

I think you got a four-colors demon clubhouse in the basement.

I think this place is beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that idea.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have to buy some red and black paint.

Yeah.

Do a little bit more paint done.

Fuck you.

Now you're starting to see it.

I had to.

Get some more paint.

You need two more guys.

All right, all right.

Mary Beth's like, I'm on it.

That was the second

big deal this week, this past week, was the closing of the house was on Monday, and then on Wednesday, as you know, because you texted me, two years

anniversary.

Your two-year anniversary, yes.

Now, here's my question.

I guess this would be more aimed at you, Walt.

As a married guy, you buy your wife an anniversary present, and then you find out that she upgrades it.

How am I supposed to feel about it?

Well, what was it?

Here's the upgrade.

Okay.

So

she's into this Blue October band.

Yes.

And they're playing Count Basie sometime in November.

So I'm like, all right, I'll go get tickets.

And I got like, I went on like right away, like as soon as tickets went on sale, and I got like good like center orchestra seats.

Like, I think it's like seventh or eighth row.

Like they're great seats.

and I tell her I'm like you know this is what I'm I got you for

for your anniversary for the anniversary almost immediately she's online and she buys what's called like a sound check

it's like an extra like an add-on package

in the afternoon where when they do their sound check you can play when they go and do their sound check yeah they play songs that they're not going to play during the regular uh the regular set Wow, when do they start selling tickets to this?

And why would they be playing songs they're not going to be playing during the evening?

Because

how does that help them practice what they're performing?

This sounds less like another way to be like, you know, we could do.

Shit, you know.

And hey, guys, you know what we should do?

We should do a little mini concert for the saps who are willing to pay.

More than,

it was more than the original ticket.

No.

Yeah.

Do you get to meet the band?

You get like a meeting?

I think you get to meet the band and take a picture and stuff, which I'm like,

and you got me one?

That wasn't really necessary.

So you got to go there for the sound check in the afternoon and then come back

for the evening for the real performance, the quote-unquote real performance.

For a band that, like, I think I recognize two songs now, having been to three concerts.

I've seen Blue October more than any band I actually like and follow.

Yeah, I just wasn't sure how to feel about that or like the immediate upgrade, which is like, you fucked up.

Yeah, I wouldn't consider that technically an upgrade, would you?

That's just an add-on.

Yeah, it's an add-on, I think.

The more exciting of the two, you might say.

I didn't even know they did it.

Like, you know, like, I wasn't even aware.

You did great.

What is the second anniversary?

Is it

copper?

Cotton.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, how does cotton come into Blue October?

I'll put it in my ears during the concert.

She's going to make you cut that out, right?

You better not talk shit about Blue October.

And people know, like, people are like,

she's on the Tell them Steve Dave Facebook group.

So she has all kinds of people feeding her information when Blue October's coming around and Blue October facts.

No, you got to cut her off from that.

You can't have her involved with that.

It's too much, right?

It's too much.

Yeah.

This is like a Josh Groban type situation that I'm looking at.

No, I meant the Facebook group.

Oh,

you got to cut out our contact.

No more Blue October.

Oh, no.

Blue October is good.

Yeah, Blue October is good for you, man.

It gives you a layup every time they're in town.

That's great.

It's true because

we just went and that was for Mother's Day.

So we went to PNC.

Oh, and it was beautiful.

Well, it could have been more beautiful, but she's like, I don't like the Goo-Goo Dolls, and they were the main act.

So I'm like, wait a second.

So we can go

and see Blue October and then take off while everyone else is watching the Google Dolls.

And like, I mean, you just went to see Chicago.

You know what it's like to be.

It's a nightmare getting out of here.

It's the worst.

And especially, you know, I'm battling, you know, 80-year-old drivers who aren't that quick getting out of the parking lot either.

Right.

The Blue October and Google Dolls, their mean average age was a little lower than 80.

Yeah, it was like, but it wasn't not that much.

Like, there were older people there, like probably in their late 40s, 50s, because they were big in the 90s right google dolls yeah they were like one of the what's your big hit google dolls anybody know name is name them

yeah check it out

once i once i played it like i can't remember the name of the song but once i played the song i was like oh yeah that's right now it's blue october the opening act i mean the uh the prom the uh the headliner in count basie in november yes yeah that's good yeah i wanted to ask q what do you think about this is like you ever hear that theory that you know that men will marry their mothers i've heard that theory, yes.

Do you think that there's something going on?

Like your mother is obsessed with a performer,

and now you've married a woman who is obsessed with a performer.

Oh, I think it goes far beyond that.

It's like that's like one of the little things, but like

the corny-ass sense of humor,

like that kind of like the shit she says sometimes.

Like, there are many things she does that reminds me of Pan

that like I think the theory is like pretty true.

I didn't know it at the time.

Does it delight you when she says corny things?

Is it like, oh, it's so cute.

I can see it being delighted by it.

Can you?

Do you see it?

Do you begrudge her the corny?

I can see a look of like this look.

Like what?

That realization.

Damn.

Damn.

You don't get delighted.

You're not like, oh, she's so cute with these corny little bon mots that she drops.

No, I mean, like,

she has a sharp sense of humor.

Yeah.

But, like,

she will say corny shit and she'll like, like, with the squirrels, you may appreciate this.

Oh, I love Mary Beth.

I've seen Mary Beth around animals.

Oh, my God.

She devolves.

I like that.

It's crazy, man.

Like, now we have chipmunks here, so she's like a chipmunk tear.

She's like, oh, I think I saw him yesterday.

Fuck off.

I'm with her.

I'm with her, man.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would set up.

Oh, man.

So much you do with this property.

Get some

potential, yeah.

Unbelievable.

Me, I'm fencing out my neighbor.

Have you met your neighbors yet?

I haven't.

Okay, you haven't gotten me to introduce yourself.

Really?

You're not going to go over and be like, here's a fucking pie.

I'm giving them a pie?

Yeah, you're moving into their neighborhood, don't you?

You should go over and be like,

yeah, I think I got the pie.

No, when I moved into my house, I went to my neighbors one by one and rang the doorbell.

And you brought them pies?

Fine.

I didn't bring them a pie.

I brought them the gift of celebrity.

I thought that would be enough.

Like, joke on this, bitch.

I just raised your property value.

No, but I went around and like, you know, introduced myself.

Did you?

I did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, it paid off.

I, I, I have good relationships with my neighbors.

Do you?

Yeah.

I know, um, like, at the Crooked House, I already knew one of my neighbors from Highlands, so I didn't really, like, meet him.

That's a rental.

You don't have to do that with a rental.

Oh, without a rental.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck that.

Like, it's like a transient.

You might be a 30 years with these people.

That's true.

Like, that's a bit.

Yeah.

Like, you leave and they're watching your house for you.

Like, my neighbor fucking owns a pizzeria.

He'll text me and be like, I'm coming by with pizza and drop it off.

It's the fucking best, dude.

Really?

Do you have any neighbors like this?

I'm usually the best neighbor out of the two.

I have two neighbors on either side of me.

I find that like I'm more valuable to them than they are to me.

Because just the other day.

Tie-wise or

overall.

Because they never talk to me.

But the other day, I'm leaving my driveway and I look up at the

top window.

I guess it would be their attic window.

And there's water coming out of it.

Really?

It's pouring out of their window.

So I'm like, you know what?

That can't be normal.

I've never seen that happen to our window.

I said, maybe they don't even know about it.

So I get out of the car, I knock on the door, and it's the person who lives there.

I guess she had a babysit over, a babysitter over.

When she opened the door, you would have thought that,

you know, that like,

you know, like, I had a ball and chain, like, I just fucking escaped from prison.

You're like in your prison stripes?

Yeah, the way that, like, she was terrified.

Like, she's stuttering, like, yes.

And I'm just like, oh, I just want to let you know, there's some water pouring out of your window upstairs.

And she goes, and she finally was like, she felt comfortable enough to come outside so I could show her

she goes okay I gotta go take care of that and she ran inside I don't know what really happened though but yeah enough not for me yeah you know who knows what happened is it how old was she though babysitter

I don't know between 30 and 40 there's like I don't know if it's if it extends to that that age but there's a real thing with like Generation Z and millennials that like they're freaked out if somebody comes to the door.

Like I've seen Mary Beth, I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating.

I've seen her hit the deck like the fucking ups guy comes and she'll fucking like duck down like behind the couch like so he can't see her i'm like what are you doing like because we come from a time where it's like if like i wanted to like hang out with walt and i called his house and his phone was busy i'd be like i'll just go to walt's house and knock on the door yeah and that's what you did if people came to your door and like they knocked on it they were salesman or something or whatever

you know, fucking delivering the newspaper.

But it's like in this day and age, like somebody coming to your house and knocking on your door who's unfamiliar is like, it freaks people out.

I must admit, it does even still, like, because it's so unusual.

It's so out of the ordinary.

If they don't have a uniform on and it's just somebody in plain clothes,

I definitely am just like, who the fuck is this?

What do they want?

And should I even bother to open the door?

Right.

You know, but it happened, but it happens so easily.

It's like, I guess he doesn't care.

So, so you're more valuable to your neighbors.

I would think that they would also agree with that too, considering how little contact we have.

I'm always the one being like,

look out for this or

making them aware of something.

Like a minority in the neighborhood or something.

Guys, guys.

I need to do something.

He's on about some Puerto Rican dude.

I don't know.

The guy just lives down the street.

I don't know what the deal is.

He's walking his dog.

This is, yeah.

Bad houses.

You got to get some bat houses because I foresee mosquito issues here if you don't clamp down on that population.

A bat house, huh?

Oh, I put several.

See, there's so many things that I'm not.

I didn't even know existed.

I don't know, man.

Just the fact a bat house means that you have bats that close to your house.

Sages foaming at the mouth.

You got bats anyway.

You're going to see bats in this yard.

Look at this.

You're in a forest.

I still wouldn't want.

Yes, maybe the fly-by key fly-by and go somewhere else.

Sometimes you start come home.

Oh, you'd be so happy when you're a bad person.

You have a bad house?

I do have a bad house, but it's not hooked up.

What does that mean?

It's not hooked up.

I bought it, but I haven't poked it up.

So you don't have a bad house.

I found a bad house.

I have a bad house.

Can't take that from me.

But it's in my garage.

You can't tell me from experience that it's a good idea.

How long has it been in the garage?

Four years, four years.

Four or five years.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just would be very leery.

I just wouldn't want, you know, flying vermin living that close to my bad enough having the vermin, the regular vermin, crawl around you, but the kind that can swoop down on you.

They're not going to swoop down on you.

And feed on you.

You never do.

Yeah.

While you're out there, it's not bad.

It's not like Temple of Doom with the fucking giant goddamn creatures.

They're little brown bats.

They eat like a thousand mosquitoes a night.

Each one

bat.

Huh.

Mary Beth will love it.

Thinks you're like the bats.

They're so cute.

I don't know.

There's a video on.

He's fucking all of a sudden.

He's Dr.

Doolittle.

He's coy.

Bats.

I know.

Turtles.

Chipmunks.

Chipmunks.

Yeah, it's true.

Like

where I live now, like the Crooked House, it's like

there's a Groundhog.

I got one Groundhog.

That's it.

Yeah, okay.

He's pretty cool.

I haven't seen him in a while, though, so I don't know if he got fucking torn up by a dog.

Yeah.

Well,

you could always fill in the pond.

Just fucking just dump cement and cement mix in.

Don't even take the fish out.

Mary Beth comes.

And then paint the concrete blue.

So it looks like there's water in there.

Yeah, like paint little fish, like little cartoony fish and shit.

It's way easier to maintain.

Yeah, all you gotta do once every few years is put a new coat on.

That's all.

Yeah.

It's a beautiful house, though, man.

And I think you did great.

Thanks.

Yeah, it took a little while to get out of that crooked house, but I'm sure there'll be tales of fucking guess what went wrong.

Well, that's everybody has those.

Yeah, I don't know why.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's just like

a level of narcissism that I was unaware of, but I'm like, why does this kind of shit only happen to me?

Oh, God.

Does everybody feel that way?

I'm sure when you're starting to feel like it's overwhelming, you can get into that mode.

But yeah, rest assured.

It's happening to Everybody's dealing with that.

You know, something going wrong.

Like, water pouring out of a window.

If, like, I came home and water's coming out of my window, I'd be like, only me.

Only me.

Sure.

Dude, I couldn't move into my house for two years after I bought two over, a little over two years.

That's exactly what I said to Mary Beth.

I was like, I'm going to channel Q's patience.

Yeah.

Because that dude fucking waited so long for that house.

But the payoff.

Payoff.

Yeah, I love the house, and it's totally updated and stuff, but it's a long, I mean, there were holes in the walls.

You could see to the outside of the house through the walls in the house.

It's like,

it was a band.

It was a wreck.

Yeah, and I remember when you first were going to buy it, and I came up and we were checking it out.

It's like, it's just.

It's almost like you just built a fucking brand new house.

I mean, I guess the inside is all brand new, right?

Well, yeah.

The outside is fucking awesome.

I love that stone.

Yeah, it's a nice house.

It is.

But every single person when I first bought it was like,

do you know anything about this?

And I'm like, no.

My mother was like, my mother was telling my cousin, I don't know why he bought that house.

It's a piece of shit.

Oh, before it was.

Before,

yeah, yeah.

She later,

she confessed that to me.

She goes, when I gave her the tour, when it was all done, she was like, you know, I have to be honest, I didn't see what you saw.

I remember telling your cousin Kevin that you had bought like this piece of shit.

And I looked at her and I'm like, the fuck are you telling my cousin Kevin that?

I was like, why are you bad-mouthing me behind my back?

Like, what the fuck is that about?

I was so upset at that.

But did she think you were going to take on all the repairs yourself?

I don't know what she thought.

My mother is the type of person that, like, when I went to buy a car, my first new car, she was like,

don't buy electric windows and don't buy, like, don't buy a lock, a clicker on the lock.

She's like, that's all stuff that could break.

She's like, it'll break, and you're going to pay 200 bucks to fix your fucking.

I never had to fucking fix a roll-up window in my entire life.

But don't buy roll-up windows.

Don't buy the fucking heated seats.

Don't buy anything.

Everything's got to be no frills, cheap as possible to my mother.

She's of that generation, you know?

So

you'll be hard-pressed to find a new car that has roll-up windows.

Dude, I'm telling you, well, this was like the late 90s, okay?

But it was still hard.

It was still like when you asked for roll-up windows, they were like, what?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Like, it's basic.

Oh, my God.

It's funny.

Pam said the same exact thing.

Well, not exact, but very similar to me.

Like, when I was getting my my first car, she was like, buy roll-up window.

She's like, because

if you go off the road into a river or something, she's like, that way you can roll them down and then the electric buttons won't work.

I'm like,

really, statistically, I feel like I'm okay here.

Like, I can just get the electric windows.

Dad didn't want air conditioning.

He'd be like, I don't need it.

We live in the northeast.

Like, it's 100 degrees.

And they're, you know, they're just old school.

Yeah,

the salesman is going to look at you funny and you're like, yeah, I don't want power windows and I don't even need a key ignition.

Just give me one of those cranks.

Because I know when I bring in a good service, you're going to rape me.

I know what you guys do.

I know your whole game.

I know how much a crank costs.

You're not going to fuck me on this.

Oh my God.

It's weird.

So, Q, you had a fucking pretty cool week.

You went down the Elvis Country.

I was in Graceland.

Yeah, last week I went for

Elvis Week.

It's his death.

They have it every year of his death, and I was there for.

I never got to go to this before, but it's a candlelight vigil on the night before he died.

And it's a thousand fucking fans with candles, and they slowly go up the driveway to Graceland.

They go to his grave, and they lay flowers or say a few words, and then they walk down, back down the driveway.

And it's a procession.

And

they say it starts at 8 o'clock at night when the sun goes down.

They go, they have been times where at 3 p.m.

the next afternoon, there's still people going through.

It's fucking crazy.

Why, like,

what is it that, like, I look at Q and I look at his fondness and your obsession for Elvis.

And like, I don't really think much of it.

Like, I'm like, oh, he's into Elvis.

You know why?

Because he's not doing it on a level like your mother or Mary Beth.

Right.

You know, he's not talking.

That's not the only thing he talks about.

They're not undermining it by buying add-ons.

You know, he talks about other things.

You know, like, he doesn't like, it's not a one-trick pony with Elvis, you know?

Because you would think that, I think, if that's all he ever spoke about, right?

But I look at the, like, he tells me about this candlelight procession.

I'm like, these people are maniacs.

Like, a guy died 40 years ago.

Oh, that's longer than that, right?

45 years.

45 years.

45 years.

I remember where I was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was in the back seat of my mother's car.

My mother and my grandmother were in the front seat.

We were at a drugstore in Lawrence Harbor.

We had just turned the radio on and came over the news report.

And like, they couldn't even, like, my mom couldn't even drive like for a few minutes.

She was just sitting there, like, stunned.

Oh, wow.

Not upset, but just like, like, couldn't believe it, you know, that he had passed away.

Yeah,

a giant left the world.

Yeah.

Is there anybody who could do that to you today?

Where you would, like, stop for minutes?

I mean, aside from like someone you're related to,

like, just a celebrity.

I mean, I think as a, like, as a kid, you know, growing up, maybe, you know, maybe Gene.

Yeah.

You know, the demon.

If he passed on

now,

nobody.

I mean, come on.

He's like, well, he's an older one.

He was an older guy.

It's not that, you know, it's not that crazy.

But if you're like, Gene, so he's like, it still would be like, wow, like, it's, it's not even, but it's not even about Gene.

It's about like a part of your child.

It's like, it's about you.

Right, but that's what everybody, that's why my mom couldn't drive.

It wasn't like, you know, she wasn't that huge a fan.

It was just part of her life growing up.

Right.

Yeah.

That was her gene.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think she made out the better.

Yeah.

She got the better version.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That too.

After Tom Petty died, that was it.

Nothing else shaken.

No other artists?

Once I went through that, no, Tom Petty was always the key.

Like, after that, I'll be able to handle everything.

I think we were just talking about this other day.

I think Harrison Ford might be a rough one just because he was Indiana Jones and

Han Solo, you know, amongst many others.

Was Han Solo ruined, though?

I mean,

you know,

with the movie, the re, not the reboot, but I've just taken the Disney Star Wars and made it its own thing.

You've locked it away.

He does.

Do you

look at his fan fiction more than anything now?

That's scathing, though.

You might get some blowback on that.

That's all right.

But you know what?

Guys of our age, guys of our generation now, like, they're all have the same mindset.

Sunday Jeff detests

Star Wars now

because of what Disney did to it.

Yeah, you know.

I mean, there's bright spots.

Mandalorian, I really like a lot.

You know, there are, I like.

If they had stopped, maybe, after the first season, I don't know if the season two was as good as season one.

No, I liked solo.

I liked Rogue One.

You did like solo?

I liked solo a lot, yeah.

So it's not like I'm like this, but even solo, which I really enjoy, I'm like, it's fan fiction.

It's just it's all i always respected sunday jeff um when he came out immediately when everybody was in love with baby yoda yeah he was the first guy that was brave enough to say like this shit sucks

this is so corny

i was like the martha ray oh not martha ray norma ray

i didn't realize that society i thought everybody still loved baby yoda oh i i think they do but

i think that they he took a major rate major personal risk by coming out and saying he hated it, though, because everybody was in love with it.

Has he suffered?

Has his career suffered?

Like, Sunday definitely suffered, but you're right.

It's weird how, like, if Q says that, people will get upset with him.

They're like, what, you don't like the same thing I like?

What the fuck?

Well,

they throw around certain

words to describe who he is.

Like,

he's a guy of

his age and his demographic if you if you complain about star wars you're just you're you're labeled oh you're like a boomer yeah a hater and everything but

and that's why i always said i always i like when sunday came out like that it was a real inspirational uh

fiery speech he's like i don't like this gay little puppet

How big are my balls?

I remember, I swear to God,

when he said it out loud, we were in the back seat of Tommy Lincoln's car.

We had coming back from a New Jersey Devils game.

And after he said it, Tommy Lincoln was very quiet and didn't talk.

And when I got out of the car and we said goodbye, and we drove away, I was like, I don't know.

I don't know if Tommy was upset with your timing about Star Wars.

Because he really shut down after you went on that like.

Is this covered in Davey Oten tattoo?

that's funny.

It's very strange.

I don't understand people.

I don't just like

if you hate Star Wars or love Star Wars, it doesn't affect me.

It just doesn't affect me.

I don't know why people care so much.

Because it's a cultural phenomenon, Star Wars.

It's just as big as Elvis, if not bigger, I would think, right?

I agree.

Well, the thing, too, is like, I think what gets in people of our age is crawl is because like we were fans of Star Wars.

Also, the same with comic books.

People talk now about how fucking, like,

they don't understand how hard it was to be a comic book man.

Like,

it's just fucking, that's why I get upset when I see what they do with some of the properties today because I'm like, oh, it's so fucking lame.

But it's like,

I mean, it was a real threat to your fucking social existence that you read comic books.

Oh, yeah, you know, you were looking as a man-child,

as like you didn't deserve like an intimate relationship.

Yeah.

You're joking, but that's true.

It is true.

You were so terrified of certain people knowing.

I remember, like, you know, keeping that a big secret.

Yeah, I remember girls that I would date back in like that, you know, age of my life from high school on through my 20s and stuff.

Like, they had to accept my love of comics as kind of like almost like Mary Bett's corny jokes.

It's like, oh, he's just so, he likes it.

What are you going to do?

And it was always like a little pat on the head.

Oh, you like your Superman so much and shit like that.

Yeah, now it's like

the most dudes on the planet are rocking Superman tattoo shirts.

Yeah.

And like cool actors are playing the characters.

So everybody's all excited.

People are lining up, falling over themselves to get these roles in these movies.

Ryan Hurst has to be the most eager guy, I think, I've ever seen.

Yeah.

He wants to play some character.

I can't remember what it is.

But it's like, I think it's a Marvel Marvel character.

character yeah ghostwriter probably something and he's uh he was on instagram he was sort of lobbying for it and like uh getting people to say like hey let ryan play

you know whatever whatever character it was

why not he's a fucking great actor i love to play him yeah are you up to date or do you have been watching the shulkie i have not watched i have not watched she hulk no have you yeah what do you think

if this shit was

if this shit was anything but like if like if this was some some new character that was introduced,

people would just be like, you're like, are you kidding me?

Why?

What do you mean?

It's just so CW-ish.

It's so like,

come on.

There's so many way better characters you could do.

Oh, you don't like She-Hulk?

I like She-Hulk.

But it just doesn't work for me, especially the way that they're doing this one.

Yeah.

But I did like.

I don't know if you're up to date.

I'm sure you're not because

you're fucking

limited.

Yeah, Bob Vila?

Bob Vila, yeah.

Yeah, you're Bob Vila now.

So you're, yeah, you're, you got to be like Jones and for your TV fix, right?

I need you.

You got to be like.

This is harder than coming off opiates.

So I can't imagine you finished Stranger Things, right, the last season?

No, no.

Did you?

I did.

Yeah.

You didn't like it?

I loved it.

Yeah, I liked it.

Yeah,

that's all I would talk about last week.

Yeah, I didn't know if you finished it and didn't like it.

Yeah.

It really showed me what a piece of shit I was.

Like for so many years, like, like, like

shitting on like kids saving the world.

Yes, you have taken that step.

I really did.

And I apologize so much because like now all I want is content where kids save the fucking world because it showed me like how wrong I was.

It was so enjoyable that like I really,

really wish that I had waited until the whole thing was done so I could just watch it all at once now.

This agonizing wait.

Yeah, probably two-year wait or something like that.

But I loved it, though.

Yeah, it's good.

We have been like, well, like, she works on her computer at night and shit, and I sit there and fucking basically vegetate.

But

we restarted streaming.

You can't go on your computer?

Sometimes I'll go on my iPad.

Like, I stopped watching all the crazy videos of beheadings and all that other shit.

Oh, good.

It's like I get notes or like a little notification on my iPad.

It's like, your internet

usage is down X percent.

Last week, it's like for a total of like 16 minutes.

Oh, that's great.

I'm hungry.

Yeah, no kidding, Alexa.

I bought a house.

Yeah.

What do you think?

You think I got time for you now?

No shit, Alexa.

Why is Alexa telling me that?

Alexa, paint the room for me.

You can't, right?

You're useless.

Just like every other fucking woman in my life.

You could tell me a stupid joke, right?

Corny-ass bitch.

She just closes her computers

turns the light off.

Alexa, did I say turn the lights out?

Oh my God, my mother must have told me three, four times already, like

my sister is on the same Amazon account as she is.

So they have like the whole like turning the lights off and on type shit hooked up where it's like Alexa, turn the lights off.

Right.

So like my mother will go on and she'll like turn my sister's lights out on her.

On purpose.

On purpose, just to tell, just to fuck with her.

I thought that was like a real fucking

Johnson.

Yeah, it's like a hijinkson.

I'm proud of her, yeah.

But she also is just like, look at this, and it's like the bulb, like whatever smart bulb it is, is like has like four different colors.

And I'm like, great, none of them are useful except for the regular fucking color.

What am I going to read by fucking blue light?

Maybe for developing photos, you can turn that red on.

Yeah, right.

I hadn't considered that.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah, so I met Priscilla Presley.

What?

Really?

Yeah, I met Priscilla.

And that was big.

In what context?

She was there.

She was at great.

She was there for the event.

She was there for the

meeting.

Did you get one-on-one with her?

Briefest of briefest.

Like an introduction.

Hello, nice to meet you.

And then I stood next to her for part of the ceremony.

But

got to meet Priscilla.

That was pretty cool.

Barbara Eden.

Got to meet Barbara Eden.

Get out of here.

That's right.

That's better than fucking Priscilla.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's up there with that.

Did you ask her to make, you know,

I got three wishes, Barbara?

No,

you don't have to ask her to do the blink.

She does it.

She'll do it.

She's just waiting around long enough.

She'll get to it.

Why was she there?

She was in a movie with Elvis years and years ago, so they had her come out.

How'd she look?

She's up there, right?

Great.

She looks gorgeous.

She's 90, right?

She looks

great.

She's with it.

She looks great.

Like, she's very pretty.

Like, she's she's great.

She's with moves.

Nobody's helping her around, walk around and stuff like that.

It's great.

Yeah, she's top 10.

Yeah, I could see why.

Mary Toler Moore, Barbara Eden, yeah, Dorstay.

Yeah,

I won't, I won't.

Harriet told me days gone by.

Yeah.

Most of the chicks I like are in black and white.

They had hairdos back then, man.

Yeah, they did.

They had fucking large hairdos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She looked good.

Oh my God.

I saw a girl on Staten Island yesterday.

I mean, the 80s.

Like, remember how the hair was sprayed and teased like fucking hell?

She was, it looked like she walked off the video of like somebody who's doing the 80s throwback music video, but she wasn't.

She was just walking around living her life.

And she was, I would say, 20, 22.

So I've started to see the first signs that, like, I'm not talking like,

like, oh, she's got touches of the 80s.

I'm talking about she had like pink leg warmers on.

Like, it was full of it.

Like, she went for it.

She went for it.

And it was so impressive to see that I was like, wow, I actually kind of hope this catches on.

You went out and bought an IROC.

I love an IROC, man.

How much fucking fun would that be?

That would be pretty funny.

What were your...

What did you have to perform

at Elvis Week?

Well, I couldn't judge the contest this year because I had to leave Graceland to go to Key West.

But they had me, they have this

conversation with Elvis series where it's like, it's a fucking 1,500 people.

It's like a giant theater they have there.

And they just interview people that knew Elvis or were influenced by Elvis.

So they had me go up and do 20 minutes with a guy, like a Q ⁇ A, you know, just an interview with a guy.

And it was...

Fucking great.

I rarely walk off stage and be like, oh, we killed it.

But like, it was a lot of fun.

Like, we were just talking about Elvis and making jokes and shit like that.

That was it.

They brought me down for that.

And then I was after the vigil.

Met people, talked to people and stuff like that.

I was stewing a bit last week because of that, because

with the closing, it was supposed to be a week before, which would have conflicted with the trip that you went on.

And

then they changed it.

It was like up in the air, up in the up in the air, and then they changed it like by the time you were already there, they changed the closing date.

And I was like, I was pissed.

It was so, I was just, I mean.

I would have loved to have you both of those, the Key West and the Elvis thing.

Oh,

the Elvis Week.

They already asked me to come next year, August 16th.

Why don't we do it and do a four-color demons meetup all the way down there?

That's an idea.

Yeah?

This way we'll get some people into Elvis Week, too.

All right.

Nice.

Some candles?

Get some candles.

Yeah.

And then went to Key West for Jiggy's Bachelor party for two, three.

Oh, Jiggy.

That was so, I love Q.

It's really my favorite place on the planet.

It's just so much fun down there.

Yeah.

Missed you there, too.

What's up?

Missed you there, too.

Yeah.

That was beautiful.

I remembered, like, oh, yeah, Q's in Key West today.

Yeah.

I was like, god damn it.

I'm sitting around waiting for these fucking idiots to get their shit together.

Yeah.

And then after that, I can't give too many details on where I went after that, but I can't, and I, and I debated even talking about this, but I had

dinner, left Key West, went to a mystery location that I don't, I can't say because it's not mine.

You can't divulge.

It's not even important.

It doesn't matter.

No, you'd just be like, oh, okay, you're in a state.

Who cares?

But I met and had dinner with

Bob Weir,

who was Grateful Dead.

He was him and Jerry Garcia were like the two thing.

And Big Steve Parrish, who was their roadie for all 30 years, managed the Jerry Garcia band and stuff like that.

And it happened.

Like, I know a friend that knew them who just invited me to go out to dinner with them.

And after telling you guys that I was getting into the Grateful Dead, completely unrelated to anything else, I found myself at dinner with them a week later.

Isn't that crazy?

Isn't that fucking nuts?

I guess.

It's like,

you don't think that's fucking crazy that, like, I just start listening to them.

I see them in concert.

I'm listening to them.

And then a week later, I go out to dinner and they're just there.

That's fucking insane.

I don't know.

Barbie Eden, though, still has got Trump.

Barbie Eden.

For me, yeah.

I mean, fair enough.

If you're telling somebody else, that's like End of the Dead.

Yeah.

No, but I mean, just the weirdness of it is what I'm talking about.

Not even like the,

like, it wasn't like I reached out to them.

I was like, I'm a big fan.

We got to, you know, I'd love to meet you.

Oh, it just happened.

It just happenstance.

It just happenstance that I found myself at a dinner with them.

That crazy?

That is strange.

No, all right.

Maybe I'm overthinking this.

Did you hear any like cool stories?

So many, dude.

It turned out to be like an eight-hour, like it was like all they have complete recall of everything.

And they just will.

I sat there and just listened to them tell stories.

How is that possible?

With all the brain cells that they fucking

that they destroyed.

I asked him that.

I'm like, how do you remember that?

I'm asked Big Steve now.

I'm just making it up.

No, he did.

Big Steve.

Cool, Big Steve.

Really?

Really hurt my feelings, Big Steve.

No, he said it's just a gift.

He's like, I've always had it.

I've always had that memory.

Is there one story you could tell or you feel you'd be talking at a turn

telling us a story?

I don't know, and I don't know.

I don't know.

And I don't want to risk it.

I'm reading his book now.

Big Steve Parrish wrote a book.

I'm halfway through it.

It's awesome.

And there's a ton of stories in there.

So when I get through the book,

if any stories that he told me are in the book, then I'll tell him.

But I don't want to be the guy that's like...

You don't want to miss out on that second invite?

Oh, no.

Not at all.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I really had a good time with those guys.

I was just blown away that

it happened.

I was like, life's weird.

But Barbara Eden, Barbara Eden.

Still look great.

Yeah.

That blows my mind.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Priscilla's 77, still rocking heels.

Yeah.

Plomping around Grace Lane.

77.

77, wearing heels.

Yeah.

If you could have asked her one question, what would you have asked her?

I probably would have asked her about fucking.

Well, I mean, the answer.

I mean, the question we don't want to know is like, can you draw Elvis' penis for us so we know what it looks like?

Like, like, put it on the wall.

You guys don't want to know that?

No.

Yeah.

Wow, that's the question that's been fucking.

You guys don't want to know what Elvis' penis looks like?

Why?

Is it supposedly supposed to have looked different than another person's?

Now you see the questions that are coming in.

Aren't you curious?

Don't you want to know?

Well, wait a second.

Is there a history

before,

just answer me this.

Was there speculation that it was?

I think the only spectacular

is that magnificent.

It's got to be.

Why?

Because it's attached to Elvis?

Yeah.

I thought you would have said like Michael Jackson so we could find out if everybody was telling the truth about all those molestations and shit.

No, no, no.

No, I've got to say that.

With all the birthmarks and the weird colorization.

Let me ask you something.

I know you're going to think I'm going to ask about Elvis's.

But now.

No.

No, not that.

You know what, honestly?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

All joking aside, what I...

It wasn't.

I'm thinking about the other one.

It was the daughter.

The daughter.

I'm sorry.

No, no, it's okay.

Michael Jackson didn't pull a mother X.

I was only kidding.

I would have probably asked about Naked Gun.

I probably would have asked about Making Naked Gun and stuff like that if I had some time.

And I bet you she would have appreciated that because I bet you she gets asked so many questions about Elvis' penis that she's like, you know, would have enjoyed a question.

Who, who is asking those questions?

Never crossed my mind.

Who wonder right mind is able to like, you know, phrase that question?

Yeah.

You don't think she gets to ask that all constantly?

Like on a constantly

basis?

No.

Unless like you're fucking with me.

Is there really fucking

fucking with you?

I wouldn't have to.

Is there some sort of

husband's penis?

But was there speculation that it looked fantastic or not fantastic?

Yeah, I was just goofing, dude.

No, I probably would ask about the naked gun if I had time with her.

I'm surprised she didn't parlay that into more acting roles.

Yeah.

She was good in that.

She was really good.

I mean, she did three of them.

Yeah.

But she was really good in them.

But yeah, it was fun.

I think Key West was just great.

Yeah.

How was the weather?

It was

a little humid,

as is going to be down there, but it didn't stop us.

We were up until like 3 a.m.

every night.

It was like crazy.

God damn.

The last time I did that.

God damn it.

Yeah.

It was fun yeah we hit all the spots but i'm willing to go back dude yeah i'm willing to go back

yeah as i sat around and just waited that's all i was doing waiting waiting for these idiots to get their shit together

they did this thing to us where like

they offered

like they had all this in the house that I didn't want.

You've seen some of it, like a golf cart.

The golf cart was surprising, man.

And table and these, these couches, and all this shit.

And they're like, here are the pool cover.

Pool cover, I was like, you guys are scumbags because you know you can't use this fucking pool cover for anything else.

You're moving down to Fort Myers.

You're going to fucking bring it with you.

It's a unique shape.

For the same shape, pool.

Yeah, that was my thought.

So I was like, so these people are just assholes.

So I said to the realtor, I was like, tell them we don't want any of it.

And

well, it was good at first.

And then

they were like, well, what we'll do is we'll lower the price of the house by $10,000

if you buy this stuff for $10,000.

And then you get

a $10,000 reduction in this tax that the government, like if they lowered the price just a little bit, there's like this extra tax that the government had.

So it was like a loophole that really worked out for them and saved us.

saved us 10,000.

But at the same time, I was like, I was so fucking mad because I'm I'm like, I don't want this shit accusing Key West.

Like, nothing's going fucking right.

Like, what the fuck is this the beginning of like hell, you know?

Yeah.

With this fucking place.

But it turned out all right.

You got some, you definitely, without a doubt, have some rough road ahead of you.

Yeah.

But you just got to stay the course because what you have here is magnificent.

And when you're done,

bro, there's going to be no feeling like it in the world.

You're never going to want to leave.

Yeah.

But it's going to be, there's going to be times where you're going to want to fucking burn it down.

Yeah, I'm sure.

That's already happened

with all this fucking paint.

And I'm like, how flammable is paint?

Yeah, 15 gallons of this shit.

Yeah, but you did great.

It's beautiful.

Thanks, man.

Thanks.

Walt, did you see

in Ocean Grove?

Key, you've been to Ocean Grove, right?

It's right next to Hisbury Park.

Yeah, well, you guys, yeah.

Yeah, my grandfather used to live in Ocean Grove.

Used to go there quite often, yeah.

Was he a religious man?

No, he was not a religious man, but I know that that was a very religious town.

It was closed down on Sundays.

Couldn't drive in town.

On Sundays.

You had to park your car outside of town if you wanted to drive on Sunday because you weren't getting out.

They locked the big gate.

Yep, big gate in the front.

They had like a little bridge.

You should go back to that shit, those great old days like that, where, you know, no.

Build a wall!

Build a wall!

This guy.

Just like there's no traffic on Sundays.

Everybody just takes it easy.

Yeah, it was like you went out for a Sunday drive, and then when you got down to Asbury Park, you would park there.

And if you wanted to go to Ocean Grove, they have that bridge.

There's a bridge that goes from Asbury over to Ocean Grove.

Well, I guess in the beginning of the summer, they got a grant to build

a dock that goes out, you know, for tourists and shit and for pedestrians.

You know, there's the boardwalk, and then there's a dock that goes out into

the ocean.

And they got a thing for it, and the plans are going on for three years, and there's all this shit.

And what nobody realized, I guess, because nobody cared, was that the dock is in the shape of a cross-like

a religious cross.

and now people are freaking out about it.

Why?

Because it's like, I guess it's like the uh, the whole religious aspect, they don't like that.

It's a cross.

I'm like, it's a fucking T, man.

It looks like a T.

It's like, it's, it's a fucking dock, man.

It's a dock.

But yeah, like, people are freaking out.

Like, the LGBTQ community is all upset about it.

And I don't understand why, because it's like, aren't there plenty of like, I guess there's people on the left are upset about it?

It seems like people on on the left are upset about it.

Yeah, because it's, yeah,

conservative people are more likely to be religious, I think.

Oh, I thought they were upset because they thought it was sacrilege that the dock was.

Oh, no, they're upset that it's in the shape of a cross.

They think that, like, the old days of Ocean Grove, where it was a religious town and shit, they're like, that should be in the old days.

Didn't they have to, like, submit some plans and some blueprints and shit that nobody noticed?

They're like, hey, wait a second.

That's what the article said.

It was like the plans were in the works for three years.

Nobody said shit about it because nobody cared enough to go to the meetings.

And then once they build a dock, they're like, What the fuck?

Why is it across?

Well, you can only tell it's across from above, right?

Like, if you're above it, yes, yeah.

The picture in the article was an aerial photo, so like that's the only way you're gonna know it's a cross.

Yeah, that's when you got a lot, like a lot of free time and a lot of things to be upset about.

Yeah, that you're not.

Don't these people have things to paint?

That sounds like a real big reach.

Yeah, that's an unhappy person, right?

That's taking the time to get unhappy.

I think anybody, either side, if you're that immersed in your side that it becomes your identity, most likely you're probably not happy.

And you probably will never find happiness because you'll always be disappointed, not only with the other side, but with your side too.

Sure.

You'll always be disappointed.

You'll never find happiness if that's your only

Yeah, that's your only thing that you're known for.

That's your like the biggest makeup of your personality.

You probably won't have a ton of friends either.

Well, yeah,

if you go to your meetings, your political meetings, you're with like-minded people.

But they're still unhappy, too.

You'll never be happy chasing any of that shit from either side.

No, I just don't.

It's like, like you say,

it's as easy as like, it's a dock.

It's nothing.

But then, like, I guess the mayor or somebody, like one of the council people was like, well, you know, Ocean Grove was founded as a religious town and we're proud of that religion and blah, blah, blah.

So I think it's like the more people say that kind of shit, they're like, well, what about Jewish people?

It's like, well, fucking, what about them?

We can't account for everyone.

Well,

right down the road is an is a Jewish people.

This deal.

Yeah.

Yeah, where it's all Jewish people.

Yeah, I mean, it is what it is.

I mean, you just got to like.

Build a Star of David dock out in fucking deal.

That would be awesome.

That would be a fucking cool looking dock.

Yeah, it would be.

And then the Satanists could get their own dock.

Oh, fucking Graham would have the Graham pentagram or an upside-down cross, maybe.

Yeah, you know, that's what they should say.

Black dock.

Yeah, it's all black.

People's feet are burning.

Was it a good idea?

Yeah,

there was another woke story that I read that I'm like, I think

maybe they've gone too far.

It's a club in Australia where if you are caught staring at someone,

you'll be removed from the club.

Now, they

like this a nightclub?

This is a nightclub.

This is a club where you stare.

That was my question.

Like, how long can I look at somebody before they're like, hey,

staring at me?

Like, what if there's a bunch of like good, good-looking guys up in the club, right?

And then the girls are like, I come in,

old guy up in the club, and like, I glance immediately, like, get him out of here.

He's staring at me.

I've got no chance now.

They're just going to use it as an excuse to get you out of the club.

That's the only reason they made that fucking rule.

Can you imagine?

Like, there's like, all right, guys, well, there's two chats.

We got two options for clubs tonight.

We got this one where there's like the beer is real cold, music's good, the lights are low, everybody's dancing, having a good time.

You can shoot some pool, or you know, maybe there's a fight every once in a while, whatever.

It's fun, or

we can go to this place where they police how long you look at each other.

Like, what?

Who's going to this fucking club?

That's what I said.

I was like, what kind of a drink?

Just dude?

Stay at home and drink.

Just stay at home.

Well, obviously, this is for females to feel less intimidated.

I assume so, yeah.

Preyed upon, right?

Because the guys are like, you know, staring at them lecherously, right?

On the dance floor.

I think

that's the idea.

Erotically.

Yeah.

They're out there dancing erotically.

I'm supposed to fucking avert my eyes.

I'm supposed to look at my fucking shoes.

Come on.

Could you imagine Studio 54 back in the day if they implemented that rule?

Weren't they giving like people given blowjobs right on a dance floor and shit?

It was like madness.

And today they're like, if you look at me too long, I'm going to fucking tell on you.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

I was going to say Tom City, there's a lot of good buttons there, and I'm like, we don't have an ad.

I'll keep thinking, why shouldn't say it?

No, it's the last week of

the month.

Ads have been,

you know, they're drying up, huh?

A little bit.

A little bit.

Wow, what happened?

All these companies,

What?

They need fucking people to order the shit?

Yeah, I know, right?

Oh,

they're going to hold us to that.

We're going to make some sales for them on this.

Yeah, I thought you were just going to say, hey, man, say some stuff about this.

We'll give you money.

I guess that's not the way it works.

Maybe they heard what Sunday Jeff said about baby Yoda them fucking pulling out.

Yeah, so that's that's it for this week.

Now I got uh I have a week of uh more painting, moving shit, and trying to fucking get in here.

All right.

And the only thing I have to look forward to is next week's Tom Steve Dave.

You're laying a strong back.

Dude, my back hurts every fucking night.

Nicker's fucking 75 up there, and he's kneeling down, and he's doing all kinds of shit.

I mean, this man

should be relaxing and maxing after all this time.

But yeah, he is.

If you think he looks bad today, you should have seen him yesterday.

I was getting ready to call the fucking funeral home because I'm like, this guy isn't going to fucking make it.

He looks out of it.

But yeah, he keeps on keeping on.

I think he gets bored like he doesn't have anything to do at home except listen to Pam and her fucking corny jokes.

So he's willing to do anything.

Well, I'm sure there's plenty coming up you can look forward to.

We've got Halloween coming up.

Oh, yeah.

Got a special Halloween project.

He was telling me about it today.

It's fucking awesome.

Really?

I need a free

night

in advance because I have a,

it's not, I wouldn't call it a guest, but a guy has come in, a professional, okay, to help us create our Halloween show this year.

Oh, wow.

All right.

So, and

he's, like I said, a professional.

He's got the awards to back it up, too.

What does he do?

He's going to create

a game where you choose the outcome.

Okay.

And it's Halloween-based.

Great.

But I just need to like, if like maybe the last week in September.

Yeah.

If you can give me a date, that'd be great and we can figure it out.

All right, cool.

Love it.

Yeah, I got some cool shit coming up.

Yeah, some broside.

Nice.

And you know where you can find broside?

Patreon.

Patreon.com/slash tell'emsteve dave.

There you go.

Tell them Steve Dave.

Strong.

Strong.