#526: Foreign Chicken Fingers

I try I don't have a I don't have I didn't have a gun I don't have a gun

Yeah, well, I wanted to, uh, you know, feel that fucking beast in between my legs.

Yeah.

Yeah, like you're gonna be.

You know, like maybe I can grow my own.

You know, not a chance.

No.

Not a chance are you gonna be able to fucking

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Him Steve Dave and Walt.

You know what they say?

God does not open a door without, or what is it, what's the saying?

He doesn't shut a door without opening a window.

That's close enough.

It's close enough for us because he shut the door in Q's face, but in through the window crawled a get him, Steve Dave.

Or up through the

hole in the floor.

The drainage pipes.

How y'all stanking?

Now, how's that caught on, Giddam?

No,

but I'm working at it.

I'm working at it.

I think you need your own, maybe your own Patreon podcast, How You Stanking.

I'm not sure what it's about.

It's a good idea.

It is a great idea.

Just hold on one second.

I'm going to move the mic.

Okay.

All right.

I wanted him to have his own solo Patreon show where

what to rate with 148, where he constantly was just rating things and pissing on shit and shitting on everything.

Just by himself, just talking to himself.

He refused to do it.

You won't do it.

Why not?

Walt has this.

It's difficult.

Waltz has this delusion.

It's the only word I could think of.

He has this illusion that on my own I am funny and hilarious.

And

like

Abbott and Costello put together when I'm alone.

And I keep telling him it's not true.

And then he berates me when he finds out it's not true.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you try, and then he's like, what the fuck?

You let me down?

Yeah, I'm like, I need at least somebody else to like bounce off of to get a reaction for you.

Sure, of course.

Yeah.

Otherwise, I just kind of, you know.

Very, very few people who can, like Bill Burrs, one of them who can sit there, Tim Dylan.

Like, these are seasoned professional comedians.

I stand by my belief in that

A monthly show where he just takes a month of things, like,

it could be movies, TV,

something political.

Let's say the president does something, and you don't like, you know, and it's like a sleepy Joe's at it again

or whoever.

You just, you just shit on something and make it like this is what I would do.

You know, like, I think people would love that.

They love that know-it-all humor.

Again, I'm not,

if you want to call it humor.

I'm not saying that they wouldn't love the humor.

I'm talking about the format of it being just me.

The delusion that you could do a better job than everybody.

Like when Belichick loses a game with the Patriots, you could call out all the bad calls that he made, and you could be like, if I was coaching the team, he should have thrown the football further.

That's what he should have told the players to do.

So he's

the ultimate Monday morning quarterback.

Yes, that's how I envisioned the show: that he would just be calling out anything and everyone, and then saying, This is how I would have done it, because that's what he fucking does every single day when he's

to an audience.

so I can get a reaction.

I got to tell you, it's a show I would definitely listen to.

Right?

Yo, absolutely.

He's so intimidated, though, when he's at the left end to be like, okay, I need you to do something now.

Because we're

take for instance this week.

Last week,

we got the invite to be on Chuck's new show on Fun Bearable.

Fun Bearable, which I believe is dropping on August 28th.

I wouldn't drop it on that table either.

Oh, take it from me.

Take it from all 148.

You never drop it on that.

You got to look at the mics.

But we got the invite to be on Chuck's new podcast where he has

Ray Harrington.

Ray Harrington and Brad Roher.

Rohr.

His coach from the Technology shows up.

These guys came in.

And, you know, I said, you know, Chuck's done so much for us.

You know, I was like, definitely, definitely.

definitely I want to be on it I want to I would love to be on it and

he asked get him to be on it too

so I saw Giddem with Ray and Brad and Chuck and Chuck but really with Ray and Brad like they these guys were throwing out like pop culture references

rapid fire and you the grin between fucking his two ears I could have fucking thrown a football between you with those teeth that was so wide open Like, you couldn't, he was in his glory.

He was like, he was also getting anxiety because he wanted to, like, also, like, chime in while they're making pop culture references.

And so I was like, I was just looking at him.

I was like, amazed.

I've never seen him in this, this excited, this, like, on,

this, like,

just,

he was in his glory.

All the material I can't use during the week because someone stopped watching movies in 1989.

And I had to explain or pull up a YouTube video for them to get the reference.

These people knew those references.

So I've been trying to work on this thing I want to do with my girls where we watch, we do a mystery science theater.

I do it with my girls.

Okay.

And I need to write the riffs,

but I need help because it's a fucking big job when you write the riffs for a whole entire movie.

So I was like, well, I saw him and I was just like, dude, you're the fucking Mac daddy, man.

You're the Mac daddy of throwing out constant pop culture references to anything and having it be funny.

And then I was like, all right, man, let's watch the movie.

Go.

Do you think any fucking anything fell out of his mouth?

And

the first one I come up with.

A tumbleweed.

The first one I come up with, which was billions and billions of stars.

Now, do you know who that's a reference to?

If you gave me enough time, I would know.

I vaguely recognize that you.

Okay.

And especially the affect that you're using.

Yes.

And he's just sitting there looking at me.

Is it Star Wars?

It's Carl Sagan cops.

Carl Sagan, okay.

But it's not Star Wars, though.

It's not even close.

It's not even close.

I just told a wild guess.

What the fuck was that?

I was like, last night, you couldn't shut your fucking mouth.

And now 10 minutes went by, and that's the only thing you said was billions and billions of stars.

But it was like, it's a joke.

And I said, I guarantee the next three people who walk in the door will know who I'm talking about.

And they did.

They did?

Yeah.

Wow.

It Rupp and then Stu, and then somebody else.

Yeah, these guys, though, you're talking about a special breed.

Like, Rup seems to be like.

He knows everything.

It's unbelievable.

He sees everything.

It's unbelievable.

The amount of shit he sees.

I thought I saw a lot.

Yeah.

But he sees a ton of shit.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think that has to be on his podcast.

But this is when the lights go on, though, and I need him to

step up.

That's when the flop set sweat starts.

But no, then we had Robin Stewan here ripping as well.

And it's a little easier because you're working off somebody else's riffs.

That's what he kept telling me, I need to work off somebody.

I need to work off somebody.

I go, I'm right here.

Fucking spit them out.

Go.

But every reference, I have to explain to him the reference and show him a video.

It defeats the purpose of Mystery Science Theater.

It starts my flow, and I got to keep explaining it to you.

I have to say, Mystery Science Theater would be a different show if that were the format where somebody threw out a reference, they're like, I don't get it.

And then they have to explain it.

Because I'll tell you, I've watched Mystery Science Theater and I've had to look up what they're referencing.

You know, because I, okay, I don't know.

Yeah, that's not everybody's going to get every reference.

But the way you were doing it the night before, like, it looked like you couldn't be stopped.

It looked like if you just took off the leash and let you go, that you were going to riff the entire movie and then some.

But again, I was working off what other people were saying.

Right.

You know, I'm, you know, like I said, you are the one who thinks that I am a comedic genius.

Not me.

I'm a genius, yes, but not a comedic genius.

Arrogant.

That's the know-it-all humor that you need on what's a rate with 148.

Coming soon.

It's going to happen.

That's the arrogance you need.

Yes.

Do you find it hard?

Because I know personally, like I would have never gotten that Carl Sagan reference.

But personally, I do find it harder and harder as I get older to remember what something came from.

Somebody quoted when I was at Mary Beth, somebody quoted,

what did they quote?

I can't remember what they quoted, but I thought it was The Simpsons.

And I made the mistake of like, oh, it's a great Simpsons reference.

And then I had to pull back and be like, oh, wait.

No, wait, that's not The Simpsons.

And then it was like, it was like, it was like fucking Tommy Boy or something.

And futile.

Yeah, it's confused, old man.

I believe you said the same thing happens with Mary Beth.

I'm just going to shuffle away.

Where are my slippers?

I believe you said that movie, Mary Beth World.

You give her references and she has no clue what you're talking about because she wasn't even born yet.

Yeah.

But it's a Gamera movie we're trying to do.

So give him that one,

the turtle one, with like, turtle?

Am I not turtle enough for the turtle club?

Turtle, turtle.

Now, again, like, if I had to guess, I would guess, like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just because it has turtles in it.

But he's, like, looking at me like, duh.

Yeah, I have no idea what he's talking about either.

It's a Dana Carby movie called Master of Disguise.

It's like a cult, it's a bad cult.

Oh, I remember that movie.

Everybody hated it when it came out.

They still kind of do, but it's the impressions in it.

There's certain lines that really hit.

That's why I'm like, you know what?

Let's just do a ping-pong episode of the Sunday Jeff Show.

This is way too fucking hard.

It's so much work to do a fucking riff a movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, tell me about it.

We, in fact, I wanted to ask you because there was, God, this is going back to

COVID times.

We were going to, we did Kiss Phantom of the Park.

Yeah.

But before that, we were going to do one about this like weird Robin, Red Red Riding Hood.

Yeah.

And I did like 90% of the movie, and then you changed your mind, I think, and you're like, I don't want to do it.

Oh, yeah.

If you still got it, yeah, give it to me because I'll utilize them in this camera movie, even if they don't make any sense.

That That was the

Sherry Lewis reference.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember Sherry Lewis?

Yeah, with Lamb Chop, right?

Yeah, with Lamb Chop.

He starts throwing out Sherry Lewis.

Oh, I get it.

And I'm like, okay, now I know you're trying to play to a crowd of one, I said, but nobody else is going to get it.

So try to think a little bit more.

I want pop culture shit that you were talking about last night for people who aren't like me.

Well, we were talking about the line was like something that was absolute evil.

And I was going to go with Mr.

Rogers, and I felt that was a little, you know, wasn't good.

So I went for like the next best thing of wholesome of Sherry Lewis and Lamb Chop.

So, what a what a scene it must be for all these people sitting here trying to fucking outwit each other.

Like,

how pleasant that must be.

What's uh, what's Chuck's show about?

What's this new show about?

I don't think it's it has a real format.

I think it's just it could be about anything.

Yeah, yeah, but he said that now he

much like me felt that at a point

his show got up into numbers that were too intimidating for anybody to come on board.

I think he's got 500 episodes as well.

And he said that he felt it was a stumbling block in getting new people to come on and try it because the numbers were just too high.

And they're like, ah, you know, it's got 500 episodes.

I'll never catch up.

I'll never.

Right.

So they don't even bother.

So he's starting over.

He's nuking his original podcast.

The old Chuck and Brad.

Yeah.

Now it's fun back.

Well, we can sit back and we can watch.

We can see if it works for him.

If if he gets new listeners.

Um I've I've gone back, like I think the most

was about a hundred episodes I watched.

I listened to uh who are these podcasts.

Like I listened to it and I liked it and I was like, well, there's fucking a hundred episodes, so I got something to listen to.

So that's

very.

Yeah.

Yeah, most people.

500 it might be like if it were five hundred episodes, well, it depends on how much I liked it, because I really do like it a lot.

So I might be like, wow, I've got content for fucking years now.

I think like if there's a show if there's a podcast that follows a show, that helps too if you're going in the higher numbers because you're at least following a format as it was.

Or you can go back to like a specific episode.

Like if you're like doing a Simpson podcast.

Right.

I know they do like, they, they do.

The new thing is like talking sopranos, you know, like where people from the cast come and talk.

Oh, okay.

And the office ladies.

And I listened to the office ladies one of the episodes.

I know Frank likes it.

But I hated it.

And I was like, who the fuck?

Are they still doing it?

Yeah, I think they're still doing it.

And I'm like,

who the fuck does this shit?

And then I thought of Behind the Fake Counter and I was like, oh, wait a second.

We do this shit.

Yeah, I guess I believe they're still going.

I mean, why not?

They make tons of money in advertising.

You know, it's just like as soon as Jenna Fisher and Angela Kinsey show up, it's like they know they're going to be able to make some money.

So

it's easy work, too.

You just got to remember shit.

Dude, and they don't even have to do that.

They're just like the smallest

remembrances they feel are worth vocalizing.

And you're like, this sucks.

This is not behind it.

At least when we do it, we give behind-the-scenes shit.

Yes.

And if you're not listening to

Behind the Fake Counter, if you're not on Patreon yet,

you want scandalous

fucking curtains drawn, then go to patreon.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Yeah, I mean, behind-the-scenes stuff, something that some I feel some people don't want to hear because they like that, they like wallowing in that ignorance of like reality TV.

Yeah, like, oh, yeah, if yeah, they don't want to see how the sausage is.

If it's pulled back too far and you're like, this was fake, this is fake, this is fake, this was fake, this was fake.

They'll be like, what the fuck?

What was real?

It was real to me, man.

Hey, what's that from?

That's a viral video about the WWO or WWE or some sort of pop culture reference.

I can tell when your eyes go, your eyes eyes start to flutter.

See, there you go.

Write that down so you got it.

Just in case.

We can work that in.

And Gamera isn't it an exceptionally bad movie?

Gamera movies, yeah, they're really, really bad, really horrible.

This one is, in particular, even more horrible because it's pulling from other horrible films to make a...

Yeah, all the Gamera footage is stock footage from previous movies.

Oh, really?

You don't film any new Gamera pieces.

Coming in October.

It's a Halloween.

Yeah, so all the in-between stuff is just made to fit the movie somehow and to work around it.

Yeah,

it's pretty bad.

So it's happening.

Well, I mean,

I think it's happening because, I mean, we've been working on it now for, well, I've been working on it really hard for about a week now.

Yeah.

I watched the movie about

25 times.

Whoa.

I've been working on it for like two months.

And people are going to be like, wow, this is horrible.

I can't believe it.

25 times.

Did you put that that much time into it?

What else is going on?

Not a bunch.

I'm better.

I think I was on the cusp of COVID at one point.

Oh, okay.

Maybe a variant?

It could have been a variant because I got like, it only lasted like one day, but I got like the headache and the fever and all that shit.

Badly.

But then for like a week and a half, then it was like, because I came in the other day and my voice was still all fucked up.

So I think I may have gotten some variant of it.

It's going around TSD town, Mrs.

Five.

Mrs.

Five has it?

Yeah.

I mean,

I feel like Frank's the kind of husband you ask very little of.

And that's what you receive.

Yeah, so anything you do get is a bonus.

Right, yeah.

I'm telling you, when I had COVID, man, there was no, like,

I was literally like, I thought my wife was going to fucking nail the door shut of the bedroom.

Well, you kept calling her?

No, because she did, like, she was so terrified that I was going to leave the bedroom because the bedroom has a bathroom connected to it, so I don't have to leave the bedroom.

Right.

So, but she was so terrified, like, if I opened the door, she's like, what are you doing?

You can't come out.

You know, and I was just like, sliding slices of pizza under the door.

Oh, yeah.

It was, yeah, she was like militant about like me not leaving that bedroom for any reason because I didn't have, there was no reason for me to leave the bedroom.

But I was feeling better towards day nine.

And that's a long time to be in one room.

I couldn't get out.

I couldn't break the fever.

Like every time I felt better, I would take my temperature.

I'm like, fuck, I still got a fever, though.

So I still wasn't allowed to leave the room.

And she left to go shopping or do some errands.

And I didn't know anybody was in the house.

I thought I was all alone in the house.

And I was like, you know what?

I need a drink.

I go, so I walked downstairs.

My oldest daughter was downstairs.

I didn't know it.

And then I still didn't know it.

And then I get a text from my wife.

She goes, why did you leave the room?

Oh, what a rat.

It's like a kid who was grounded trying to sneak out to a party.

I'm thirsty.

But you know, well, I guess I should have texted Caitlin to see if she to bring me up a drink, but I didn't know she was even home.

But you know what, though?

Those actions, nobody else got sick in the house, though.

Nobody else caught it, though.

That's That's true.

And just picture him lowering a picnic basket out the window, like putting food in for him, and he has to pull it back up.

Yeah, that sucked, though.

Yeah, 10 days of staying in a room was fucking bonkers, man.

Watching the same shows every day.

Wait, is that what you do here at Show Mountain Bed?

Yeah, but I didn't have Pluto, though, so I had to watch just cable.

And so I just watched the Game Show Network, and it's the same shows every fucking day.

Same shows, and the commercials drive me crazy.

Especially when I'm, oh, that would have been around Medicare time.

So there's all those commercials telling you to switch up your Medicaid plans.

Why?

In December?

Yeah.

And then in November to begin in December.

Because it happens, it happens right around Mouth Brown.

That's the kind of stuff I want to hear on camera.

Yeah, that's some pop culture references.

Those are the ones I'm talking about.

I started watching, you know, because I'll put on forensic files at night when I go to sleep.

And

most of them, in fact, I've seen all of them several several times but Roku channel has I don't know if you have you ever watched Roku channel I've heard of it it's really strange it's like it'll show it'll you know you'll be watching the show and then it'll go to commercial and they'll have like a commercial and then I guess they can't sell the time

because it's just the time is just worthless the commercial time so it's like we'll return with forensic files in 30 seconds and then there's just a countdown

we get that on vivo yeah if they don't show if they don't put enough ads in it does that.

Yeah, it's like a holding screen.

Now,

absolutely makes total sense that you

would fall asleep to shows devoted to murders and grisly ends.

But

do you think, though, that like, is it possible, though, that like maybe if you just listen to something else with the same kind of cadence and

kind of SMR, ASMR

vibes as that guy speaking.

That maybe.

Because that's not Bill Curtis.

I thought it was Bill Curtis.

No, it's Peter Thomas.

Oh, okay.

But

you would look like a real asshole if you had busted that out the other night.

Bill Curtis, right there.

Bill Curtis is American Justice.

But

I would have to think it's not mentally healthy to fall asleep to listening to

spouses murdering.

And it usually is,

it's usually not

something mild.

It's usually like, holy, and those early episodes, I cannot believe what they show.

And he decided

he would get rid of her remains by putting her into a wood chipper.

Hey, I just watched that one.

Oh, is that the one where they fell asleep to that one?

I did.

Hella craft, yeah.

Is that the one where they end up founding him because he was doing it on like his weird

river, and like someone saw

it was like three in the morning, and he has his wood chipper down there by the river, thinking no one's going to come by.

And somebody drives by, and they're like, huh?

Like kind of in like in Fargo, which is, it's based on, in Fargo, you remember there was that, um,

that when they killed the cop, when Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormer killed the cop, and that car drives by real slowly, and then Peter Stormer takes off after him, and then they flip and then they die.

What came first, Fargo or the real murder with the wood chipper?

The real wood chipper murder.

So if Fargo took that story.

I think Fargo borrows the spot story.

Yeah.

It did a good job to not make it seem like documentary-ish.

You know, it's like

it's in there, but

it's not the wife that gets wood chipped.

I mean, these are spoiler alerts from 1995, but

it's not the woman who gets wood chipped.

There's a couple variants and stuff.

Yeah, and they're like in the backyard of a cabin or something.

But look, I've had,

in fact,

not talking about Marybeth, of course, but my most recent girlfriend, there are many times had a wood chipper been on hand.

But I'm just like, how do you like,

who's the guy who, like, because, again, what it comes down to a lot of times is an affair.

They have an affair and they feel like if, and they're right, if I get divorced, I'm going to lose half of everything, or I'm going to lose my house, or I'm going to lose this or that.

So they're like, it's better to murder them.

Even I didn't feel that way.

Well, I mean, yeah, it's

how many, though, of all the people that caught,

do you think there are more that get away with it?

Because I think it's

attempted on a pretty big scale by guys who just get like, I could do it.

I could pull it off.

Or they just like, they're so crazed by that point by what their wife is doing with the kids or the finances or whatever they're like, they just, they're like, fuck it, I'm going to do it.

And that's when you get sloppy.

Because, first of all, you're suspect number one.

You're the first guy they're going to look at.

Yeah, I wonder if it's easier to catch you now because of the digital footprints that are everywhere of like they can just they can pull your search history.

Oh yeah, if you did it in the 90s, you might have had a much better chance of getting away with it.

You would just hope that, yeah, like as long as I learn how to use the card catalog and don't ask the librarian, where's your books on murders?

Well, they have people even there who are like the, you know, some of the later episodes are when cell phones first started like becoming popular and they're pinging them off of cell phone towers and shit and this is the kind of thing that like people couldn't have known at the time

but now there is more information

than ever about how to get away with every little thing first off don't bring your fucking phone with you

like like some of this stuff was just shocking it's like even back then

to to to have a to have a like a an electronic device that other people can contact you with and be like, I guess I'll bring this on the murder.

Like, no, leave it home.

So in case case they can track it, in case they can track it.

Yeah.

It's been one place all night.

There's a thing known as the CSI effect, which it works in both ways.

It's a problem for lawyers because jurors and juries believe that

everything is exactly like it is on CSI.

So like when anything happens,

they're going to collect five.

A nice, tidy little bow on every little question that the jury has.

Like, you know, just a partial fingerprint is enough to just punch it into a computer and they're going to find the, you you know, the killer and everything else like that.

But it's also, conversely, of

criminals now know the steps that a real forensic team may take and learn to get around that.

Yeah.

I think there's enough that they probably don't show.

Yeah.

That, you know, your average.

And a lot of people are fucking dumb, too.

A lot of people make really dumb mistakes.

Oh, I always love when someone hires a hitman.

And it's like 99% of the time, if you were hiring a hitman, it is an undercover cop.

Are you sure you want this done?

Really sure?

Like the way they say it, you're just like, um,

no.

And then they always do that.

Are you a cop?

Because you have to tell me if you're a cop.

Do you think the entertainment industry has agreed, though, not to show every aspect of

what a CSI team has to do?

Do you think that there's some things that they've agreed that they won't reveal to the general public?

I don't believe so, though.

I don't think so either.

I would ever go into any kind of agreement like that.

No, I think you're right.

I think entertainment is like when they're like, it's paramount.

It's number one, entertaining the people, keeping them fucking riveted to that screen.

We don't care how much we give away.

I think if maybe one show misses something, another show will probably pick it up and cover it.

Like if you watch a bunch of them together, you know, you get the whole message.

But I don't know if you guys remember, but I remember like when I would, like when I was younger and I would like read through the back of magazines, they would have those subliminal learning courses that you would listen to a tape while you slept and it was supposed supposed to teach you.

So, do you feel that watching forensic files is like your sleep learning?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think I've seen it enough times that when I was awake, that

I would catch it.

But you're right, yeah, like that subliminal, like baby Mozart type shit.

Yeah, maybe it's making me smarter in terms of being able to kill somebody.

Yeah, I tried that when I was younger, when I was trying to get out of the habit of bedwetting.

I made a tape.

This was your own voice.

How fucking fucking egotistical?

No, no, no, no, no.

I got my father to come in on it, and I think my mother as well.

Oh, it's even weirder.

Well, he was the only one who had to do the laundry.

Especially about the subject matter, though.

What?

The subject matter, it's like that's a Freudian fucking

dream.

Freud himself would be fucking coming.

I don't even know what to make of this.

What was it?

You will wake up, you will use the bathroom, and not wet the bed.

Who said that?

That was how I would do it.

Yeah.

And then, like, my father was trying to improvise.

Did you still have this tape?

No.

Oh, my God.

It would be gold.

It would be fucking price.

You know how much money you can sell that tape work for?

How much content we can make off that tape?

That's what I'm saying.

So, what did your mother come in and say?

It was pretty much the same thing, but they would like try to improv.

No, no, no, no, no.

They would try to improv.

They would try to improv on it.

You know, like, you know, my father would be like, listen, sonny,

you do not, you're not going to wet the bed.

You know, he would like try to throw his own.

How old were you at the time?

12, 13.

This makes so much sense, though, and how fucked up he is.

Yeah.

Right?

I mean, hey,

nocturnal anuresis is a problem for many people.

Yes, but the very fact that you employed your mother and your father and yourself.

To try to break the habit.

Off of whose advice?

Did any doctor say make yourself a tape and go to sleep too?

Well, I saw

these subliminal sleep messages.

And this is what you've done your entire life, is prescribe yourself your own remedies.

This will work.

I'm sure it will.

According to those ads, it was.

guaranteed to work.

According to those ads, it was guaranteed to work.

So I figured, well, why not save a couple bucks?

I got a tape recorder.

I don't need a real doctor.

Well, I was

magazine.

I had tried the real doctor techniques.

They had these,

it was this special thing that, like, it clipped.

It's called a diaper.

But no, there was this thing that clipped my shoulder, and it had this, like, these metal plates that slid into a little pouch on my underwear.

And when it got wet, it would beep.

And that was supposed to wake you up.

And it never worked for me.

I would sleep right through it.

It was, yeah.

I tried all the,

you know, we went to the doctor about it.

I mean, I mean, it, it, I got to hand it to you, man.

Like, at 12, 13, there was not one person in my life where I but where I could be like, can I confide something to you?

Like, I've been pissing the bed.

And I need you to, I need to record you all.

I confide in it so I can.

Well, my parents could re-listen to your reaction over and over and over.

Here's a script for you.

My parents knew it because I had been wetting my bed my whole entire life up to to that point.

Right, but then you go to them and you're like, I'm going to make a tape.

I was like, I have an idea.

You know, I said, you know, I said, like, it's like subliminal messages learn while you sleep.

It'll get into my subconscious and maybe it'll help me.

Did it work?

Do you feel?

No, it did not work.

Eventually, I hit a point, I think it was like 13, and I just.

The bladder just got stronger.

Yeah, I don't know exactly what it was.

Are there bladder exercises you could have done?

I don't, I don't know.

Just like holding it, like scrunches, and or maybe like,

you know, I don't know.

I didn't read about that in the magazine.

So

So you just had to wait.

Yeah.

It happened.

It happened to one of my uncle's as well.

He, you know, he, because I slept at his house sometimes.

So, you know, they were aware of the problem.

Well, don't you hate it?

Your nephew sleeps over and he's like, Uncle Walt,

I need you to help me make the tape because something happened.

No, no, no, I didn't ask my uncle to do it, but he, you know,

he had the same problem.

And he still allowed you to come over?

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, not for nothing, but I would be like, you you know what, little Guinem, you know,

you can't, I'm busy this weekend.

You can't come over.

Not every weekend.

No.

I mean, not for nothing, but it's just, it's just, I don't, I don't want to deal with that.

It's just, yeah, it's too much.

It's way too much.

It's too much for, it's not too much for a parent because that's your kid.

Right.

Any extended family beyond that, it's too much.

It's too much.

Well,

by then, I was wearing like, you know, undergarments.

And you're a teenager.

You have a much bigger bladder.

It's got to be absolutely horrendous to clean up.

It's all over the floor.

It's got to be like dumping like a

ice cooler of melted ice.

I was wearing undergarments.

You know, by this point in time, you know, you know, they had things like depends and stuff like that.

Adult undergarments.

No, did was anybody anybody outside of your family, were they aware, like any of your friends?

No, not really.

But, you know, I couldn't really go spend time at anyone's house, like go do a sleepover.

Didn't you do the camp?

My summer camp counselors knew about it.

But by then I was kind of just on the cusp of passing me,

you know, I was getting over it.

So, but you know, they were told just in case it happens, you know.

Have you ever tried to give your younger self like a kidney stone or something?

Do you, you know, so like anything to block it up?

Yeah.

Tie a knob.

Trust me, I wanted it to stop.

I didn't want to keep wetting the bed.

No, I understand, but like, I wonder if there was a way like, you know, kidney stones would have worked, right?

No, because that makes you,

you get the urge constantly.

Oh, okay.

I thought it blocks it up.

It does block it up, and then it eventually passes.

So

did you try just sleep deprivation, maybe?

I tried some, I would try not drinking so many hours before bed and whatever.

It was just something I just.

You got hypnotism.

That's what I was trying to do with the tape.

But from a real hypnotist?

No, I didn't go see a real hypnotist.

Not that I remember.

Sure, if someone counts back from 10, I'll start clucking like a chicken.

Did you show any other signs of because

they say that's one of the signs of that?

That's the McDonald's triad, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, not that I know of.

No hurting animals.

You don't seem like an animal-hurting type of guy.

No, I would torment my

cats, but my.

Didn't you kill groundhogs, though?

Yeah, that was later on in life.

You killed groundhogs?

Yeah.

What for?

They were digging holes in our paddocks, and if a horse steps in it, they'll break a leg.

We got to put a horse down.

So it was only animals that were inside the coming inside of the corner.

Can you come up with a humane way, like a humane cage, to get the groundhogs?

Well, that's what I was doing.

I was catching them in a cage, and then I was either drowning them or.

Oh, my God.

That sounds like Mary Beth.

This sounds like Mary Beth's place, though.

They act like small groundhogs and muskrats and stuff like that.

Their lives are meaningless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to deal with them either.

I don't want to deal with vermin, but I certainly also don't want to hear them screaming as I kill them.

No, you know,

you throw them in a gun.

You shoot them.

I don't have a gun.

So I tried to.

Why was it left up to you?

Because

I was the one there.

Like, why couldn't you, like,

wasn't there another farm hand that you could have gone to and been like,

no?

You're the only farmhand.

Yeah.

That was your only responsibility.

Well, that was not my only responsibility, but it was one of my responsibilities.

I tried with a bow and arrow, and those things are extremely tough.

I was going to say,

that would be difficult to be accurate with a bow and bow.

No, I would literally be like on top of them through the hole in the cage

and let loose, and they still survive.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're really tough to kill.

So, what's the other triad?

It's

fire starting.

Oh, my God.

I'm a pretty good fire starter.

Didn't you like stare into a fire?

You used to build a fire on the farm and stare at it for hours?

No, well, I would be like listening to podcasts.

Birdie muskrats.

I would be listening to podcasts and stuff, and I would keep adding stuff to the fire.

Yeah, but

you would find anything to burn, right?

Yeah, like it would like yeah, yard waste, falling paper.

Like neighbors, like, you know, Amazon packages.

No.

No, not boxes.

I'm not going to burn a box.

I've got to go up in the attic.

No, but someone down the street from us, that's how they got rid of theirs, was they would drown them, and then they had a a pond with snapping turtles.

So they would drown it in the pond and then just dump the body, and the turtles would eat it, yeah.

There's got to be a gamer joke in there.

Yeah.

So, um, but then um, then I resorted to I found out by happenstance, I left one in a trap one day for like two or three hours in the sun, and it just dropped dead.

So that was my method from then on.

What, to torture them to death?

No, they just they can't regulate their body heat.

So they just like they start getting tired and sluggish and then they just fall asleep.

Yeah, and die.

Yeah.

Huh.

So

as

domineering as Edgar was when I was a kid in terms of like, you better do this.

I feel like I would stop short of like, you better drown this animal.

Like, I just, I just don't think I could have done it.

I think,

not coming from a farm background, I think you and I both

look at that as so foreign and so like

intensely like bizarre inhumane, it feels like human beings that can do shit like that.

A horse could step in their hole, and if the horse breaks its leg, then we got to put the horse down.

Yeah, I get it.

It's like a 10-pound creature versus a 1,500-pound creature.

Well, a creature that's worth money versus one that's just annoying.

Yeah, or even like, you know, one of our pregnant mares, and you know, she, you know, you're killing the mare and the foal if it breaks its leg.

You know how many people listen to TSD in Heartland.

Sure.

It's our base.

But you know how many of them have probably, you know, they know

that this is not.

So we should throw all our weight behind drowning muskrats.

Come on.

You need some muskrat love.

That's an old one.

Threw it out for you.

Captain and Teniel.

Giddam, I'm sure that when you were young,

you didn't have any meundis to wet.

So thank God.

Thank God.

Maybe, maybe that comfort would have broke me of my habit if they were around.

If they were around at the time, that microwave out nice and soft.

Oh, yeah.

It was probably the friction of those Haines and fruit of the looms.

Yeah, the tidy whiteys.

Yeah, that rough cock.

Yeah, it was like wearing a canvas bag, like a potato sack.

Everybody was pissing the bed back then, but not anymore.

I mean, we used to bend over in school and go, look at this potato sack.

I got even wedgie and French fries fell out.

Where am I here?

Oh, Myundis.

Yes.

Famous for their buttery soft undies and bralets.

Meaundies loves podcasts just as much as you do.

What?

I think they do.

I think they do love podcasts.

I think, you You know what?

Now that you mention it, I think you're right because there isn't a podcast they're not on.

And they definitely love us.

They definitely love us because they've been with us more years than I can count now.

Get to know your underwear brand on every podcaster's lips.

There's so much more than Undies.

Definitely true.

I'm wearing them right now.

Get them.

You can prove it.

See?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, you are.

I got some Army guys.

And if they want to send some 2XLs to

the general store, I'll be wearing some.

I'll talk to Mary Beth.

I'll see what I can do for you.

Because

they're not kidding around.

They're worth the money for sure.

Yes.

Everyone knows Miundis for their super soft undies and comfy brales, but did you know they make other stuff too?

We're talking adorable cushy socks that will make your feet sing.

We're talking super stretchy loungewear.

We're talking daily tees, shorts, and rompers that add a little silky softness to your everyday.

They even make hoodies for your dog, Walt, so you can match up every important person in your life.

Available in sizes, extra small to 4XL and tons of colors and prints.

Make Miundi's your destination for all things soft and sustainable.

Now, why do you think they just don't make hoodies for adults?

I mean, it's just a little bit more fabric, right?

That's an interesting question.

Yeah, like, why would you make it for a dog?

Why are you drove a little?

You know what we could do?

Make hoodies for dogs.

It looks so adorable in it.

I mean,

I can picture Cooper on Pajama Fridays, which is a staple at the TSD Town General store, wearing a Miundi's hoodie.

I can too.

The Miundi's official website.

Yeah, I'm not

seeing a lot of great stuff, but

I'm not seeing any hoodies.

But that would be weird fabric for a hoodie.

Yeah, it's on the outside.

The mobile.

Yeah, but the hoodie industry, I think they probably sell way more hoodies to humans than to animals.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder why Miundi's just doesn't branch out to the.

They found the niche.

yeah they found something that wasn't being covered by the big

by big big hoodie yeah big hoodie and they decided to you know they're like oh we don't care about big hoodie's like we don't care about dogs but meunties like sounds like a 90s rapper big hoodie

yeah big hoodie but meundi's is like we love dogs and we want dogs to feel as comfortable as their owners and that's why we're making hoodies for dogs no there's an easy way to do that

what is it uh for any first-time purchasers you get 20 off plus free shipping and returns and to get 20 off your first order with free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

I went to,

again, yet another Blue October concert.

What kind of music is this again?

It's like they call it art rock, which I don't really know what that means.

But it's like,

it sounds, I mean, immediately it brings to like, you know, guys in skinny jeans.

They're kind of hipstery looking.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're definitely.

Skinny gene rock, I I call it.

Skinny gene rock.

That's really what it should be called.

In fact,

that's what I'm going with from now on.

Thanks to you.

Relabeling every song in his iPod.

Skinny Rock.

Not Jean Rock.

Not Chandra.

SKR.

But there is.

No, SK, S,

SJ.

Oh, wow.

I can't believe I'm blanking on an acronym here for SJR.

SJR.

Okay.

Sorry.

No, you're good.

So I didn't have to stay for the main act, which was nice because I don't like the goo-goo dolls.

Why are you a big goo-goo doll fan?

I like some of their songs.

Would these bands be on lithium?

I don't know.

We don't know exactly what is the threshold for lithium.

Lithium is alternative rock.

Any band that came from Seattle would be...

Lithium is the...

Oh, that's considered lithium?

Well, that's the channel on Sirius.

Oh, okay.

Where you play.

I thought Blue October and Google Dolls.

I know the Google Dolls definitely get on Sirius.

Then probably Blue October.

I hit the skip button whenever a Google Dolls song comes on.

I don't even know one.

But we've also heard YouTube on Lithium, which you

was a good half-hour-long argument on Five Packs of Florida about whether YouTube belonged on the alternative channel.

I don't think they do.

I just think they're too mainstream.

There was one album they had, which was kind of alternative.

Okay.

Well, go ahead, though.

Yeah, well, I was going to say,

the best thing about it is like Blue October opened.

And I don't like like, it's one of those bands where I'm like, I can take them or leave them.

I don't hate them.

Now that she plays the songs, I recognize the songs a little bit more.

But she's like, she's a crazy, crazy fan.

She's like,

Pam levels of groping.

Crazy levels.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

So you have two women in your life

both obsessed with other

bands.

They don't know where the line to draw.

to be drawn is.

They've crossed the line, you feel.

I feel.

Yeah.

Like, she listens to it a lot.

She listened to it so much before the concert because she wanted to know every word, every song.

Like, she wanted to.

She already didn't know.

Well, they got a lot of songs.

So she went on and got the set list.

So that way she would know, you know, exactly what songs were coming up.

And to me, the best thing about the show was like Blue October opens, and I'm like, all right, that's going to be, what, 45 minutes, an hour tops, and then we get to go.

And we get to beat out all the traffic, PNC.

Oh, that's even better.

Right around the street from our house.

What day was that?

15 minutes away.

That would have been

Thursday.

It would have been...

What day is today?

Saturday.

Today is Saturday.

No, it would have been

last Saturday, I believe.

Yeah, I think it was last Saturday.

But she had a couple drinks while she was there, so she started feeling sick.

So I fucking had to sit through half of the Goo Goo Dolls show anyway, because she's like, yeah, I just want to sit down here for a little while.

How many drinks?

Just two.

But I guess they were strong.

She's small and they're strong.

So, yeah, they knocked her out.

I was like, God damn it.

I really thought we were going to get out of it.

And then they started playing the hits, like all those hits from the fucking 90s that you hate, like that you just can't stand.

What are we talking about?

Is that good?

Google dolls, yeah.

How much were drinks?

Oh,

it was a lot.

Yeah, it was the first one was, yeah, I think it was 21.

For like a little

whiskey and water or something or whatever they put in it.

It was like a...

Oh, no, whiskey, it was like flavored whiskey, like pineapple-flavored whiskey, something like that.

Anyway, but I was surprised how many people were there.

Like,

if you were like, hey, are the goo-goo does popular?

I'm like, no, fucking way, not anymore.

But there's like, like when you went to Chicago.

Chicago, there is a certain segment of the population who that was their, that was their jam back then.

And they're like, I'm going to get a chance to go see them.

Sure, why not?

Oh, especially post-pandemic.

I think that's also bringing a lot of people out.

Just do anything.

You didn't pay for the meet and greet?

I did not, nor would I ever.

Really?

No.

Because that shit's too expensive, man.

Oh, but you come on once.

I mean, she's already met him.

Oh, she's already met them.

Yeah, because her her whole family lo loves the band.

So, like, they've gone they've gone to multiple shows.

They've gone to meet and

you're like, you know, like parents too?

Talking dad.

When we were when we were.

That's even greater than wedding.

And having your parents make you a

subliminal tape.

I should have made him a subliminal tape, like listen to a different band.

I know there are guys out there that, like, you know, my dad's my best friend.

And, you know, like, we go to, we go to games and we go to rock shows together.

We kiss each other.

Was that a Tom Brady's?

Yes.

We kiss each other.

But I just don't think I could deal with loving the same band my mom did.

It just would feel so like,

I need my own space.

I need to be my own individual.

Right.

They do not feel that way.

They don't need to be individuals.

Not in terms of Blue October.

I'm imagining there's like a family picnic barbecue or something, and they got the music on, and they switch on Google Dolls, and they all start singing at the same time.

No, it's Blue Monday, not Google Dolls.

Oh, I thought that was like that.

Blue October, they like it.

They're all singing Blue October, and Bri's just sitting there looking around.

Now, how did she meet them?

I think it was when she was much younger.

There was like a concert concert somewhere in Ohio, Cleveland, or Columbus or something.

So they paid for the meet and greet.

Wow.

Okay.

Because I paid for the meet and greet for Alicia.

For

Paramore?

I was just talking about Paramore the other day.

No, I thought that Mark Oshi was into it.

Yeah, that's right.

We were talking about how, like, you were saying it's so weird.

We were, me and Mary Beth are just talking about it yesterday when you were standing in the hallway and somebody's like, who's Walt Flanagan?

Yeah.

And you're just like,

let's go.

I'm not going to explain how we got in here.

That's great.

Now, is she still into all those same bands?

She jettisons.

Yeah.

She jettisons bands constantly as more hipper, more obscure bands who will never get, will ever see the light of day as they become her new favorite.

Like the most obscure.

I'm talking about like

three people will show up to see them play at a refinery somewhere.

And yeah, like if they have any level of success, no, she's not interested anymore then.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we got to go to this concert at the bottle dump.

Now,

you don't accompany her anymore.

No, you can't.

No, she would never.

She wouldn't have it?

Nope.

Those days are long gone.

The license?

Forget it.

That was a means to an end.

Yeah, you didn't know it at the time.

You were just fussing.

I mean, the tickets that she goes to see shows for, guess how much the tickets are?

I mean, they can't be more than $5, right?

Like $8

or at the most, I heard $15.

And there was one time that she brought a $15 ticket and then found out that she couldn't go.

And she was devastated

because I spent the money already.

And I'm like,

it's $10.

Right.

It's $10.

I go, are you kidding me?

You find that on the fucking shit.

Like, I thought she was upset that she was not going to miss it.

She was upset that she paid for the ticket in advance and then something else came up that she'd rather do.

Right.

She was so devastated that she had spent the money and wasn't going to get the money back.

Go check my chair.

I think there's that much spare change that fell out of my pockets.

The ticket prices are fucking nuts.

Yeah, for the bands that you want to see.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not $8.

It was like, I want, like, Kid Rock is playing at

the beginning any day now.

I saw we drove by the sign.

Any day, and I'm like, I would like to see Kid Rock.

But not, I don't want to, I don't care about Kid Rock's music.

I don't want to really see Kid Rock.

I want to see the people that that go to a Kid Rock show.

Yeah.

I want to see those flags waving.

How many red hats are you going to see today?

Yeah, I want to see all the

fucking Make America Great Hat songs.

Other than Bombidi-Baba Baba Baba Baba Baba Biddy.

I don't know really any other famous Kid Rock songs.

There's a line where he never got any other songs played on the radio, right?

There was, I think it ended.

Stop licking me.

What am I?

Made of ice cream?

That all summer long song.

I know he put out a video that was

so bad, people thought it was a parody video, but it was actually his video.

Yeah, there's a song.

There's a song that

he mashes Sweet Home Alabama with some other song, and it was a very big hit.

No, I'm talking 10 years ago.

So it's been a while since he's been getting airplay.

Yeah, I believe so.

But I guess that kind of is true for almost every band from the 90s, though.

It's like you rarely

hear about big hit albums or singles from, I mean, it's just non-existent.

It's all nostalgia stuff now.

Oh, wow, the brand new vitamin C album dropped.

She was a singer in the 90s.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I didn't get it.

Vitamin C one I got.

Captain and Teniel, keep those coming.

Know your audience.

Yeah, the Patreon audience is going to have to have the internet constantly looking up all these references that you get, but nobody else does.

Finally, get to move this week.

Oh, it's going to be a relief.

Biggest news.

No,

we're not all packed up.

The house isn't packed up, but

the pod is on its way, and all we got to do is take the shit out of the storage unit.

But

I don't know.

I mean, you bought a house quite a while ago.

Do you remember money just fucking flying every which way?

Closing cost, deposit, the lawyer, this guy, that guy, the appraiser, the fucking inspector.

I'm just like, it like, it gives me fucking ajita.

I can't, like, I can't handle it.

I'm like, I saved for fucking three years.

It's like,

barely did anything.

I hardly traveled, you know.

Cooper, what?

What do you love so much about my leg?

Because he wants you to pet him.

Oh,

he does.

Oh, let's pet him then.

Yeah.

Okay.

If you pet him, he's not going to lick you.

That's his way of saying, like, he's been trained now to, like, not trained.

He's trained you.

He's conditioned.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's trained.

He's positioned me.

Yeah, that if I lick him, he'll keep petting me.

I mean, he'll pet me out.

He won't stop petting me.

He's a smart dog because I started petting him and he stopped.

You can't see him waving down there.

That's the other thing he does.

Oh, yeah, I've seen his wave.

Yeah, and it's just like to just see all that money just go.

It's like, and I know I'm getting something out of it, but there's still a part of me that I'm just like, this makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Having never bought a house and also having never gotten married, are they similar in

the way that works?

Stress-wise?

Or like paying out money for things?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, the wedding, not nearly.

Okay.

I know, because I know that

the caterer, the florist, this person, the venue, that person, that person,

the DJ.

Yeah,

there's many expenses, but they just don't amount to as much,

I guess, is the thing.

And I don't know, there was something about the wedding that was like all you got, well, you didn't go get him, fucking jerk, but like Walt was there, like,

but like everybody was there, so it, like, it made it that much more fun.

It made it seem like it was worth the money because

anybody you love is there, you know, unless they got cut off by the 30-person rule.

It's not that I don't love you, it's just, you know,

you just didn't make it.

But the house, it's like, now all I can think of is now here comes the painting, and here comes the fucking hanging up of shit.

Actually, Mary Beth was like, Do you think Gidden would help me?

He's good at he's because he's like, she goes, he's good at hanging stuff up.

You know why I am good at hanging things up?

Because she left me a detailed diagram of where everything was.

He is not, you can't just be like, here's six pieces of artwork, hang them.

No, that's enough to make put a, he'll go swallow a cyanide capsule.

I'm cracking that too.

Because you haven't told him where you want them exactly.

Like to the inch.

Like,

you know, well, on that wall, that's not good enough.

He's still going to swallow a cyanide capsule because he doesn't know exactly where on the wall it has to go.

So Mary Bethel, when we moved in, she left me these nice detailed diagrams of where every piece of artwork should go and in what order and everything, and it worked out perfectly from there.

Yeah, I was going to say, you did a pretty good job.

I adhered to that like you wouldn't believe.

So, your job was to nail the hook in and then just hang it up.

Well, yeah, but at least you know, like where to start, like, where's your center line, and then how you know, you base the distances apart based on the space of the

frames and everything.

Yeah, I have to say, it concerns me to

because like at this house, I don't have to, the crooked house, I don't have to do anything.

If something goes wrong, I'm just like, call somebody and they do it.

You need to get yourself a handyman on speed dial.

Yeah.

And Ernie seems pretty busy these days.

So you have to find out.

You've got to find yourself a new handyman.

There's five Ernie.

Yeah, there's a lot, but I don't want the handyman that the people at the Crooked House have because it's like their handyman is like their electrician.

It's their plumber.

It's their roofer.

It's like this fucking guy.

He's not good at any of it.

But they're like, oh, the handyman.

Well, they won't call him the handyman.

They'll call him the electrician.

I'll find out where Deb, there's this site for Middletown where you can leave reviews.

Oh, yeah.

She's found a lot of good people.

Angie's list?

It's not Angie's list.

This one's specific to Middletown, and it's all Middletown residents leaving reviews for people.

And we found a few pretty good

people to work on the house through it.

Yeah, because I see people painting rooms and like

the way that I'm going to have to do it is tape out everything.

I mean, you know, I don't got to explain this.

Everybody knows how you paint a room.

But like then you see these guys who come in and they have like those sprayers.

Yeah.

They're just like,

yeah.

Do the wall and they're fucking done.

It's like, that's awesome.

But how much does that cost?

That's the question, you know.

If you need a bird out of a chimney or anything, I don't know how it'll help you out there.

You know what I did notice when I came in?

Are you having problems with people stealing your plants?

Because there's a plant out there.

Oh, no, because since the weather's actually cooled down a little, I've been putting it out in the back door.

And I don't want anybody just to walk off and think that it's just left there by itself.

So I let me.

Would you ever, ever walk into an office, walk into a building, walk into any structure, see a plant and be like, huh, that's just there by itself.

I'm going to take it.

It's out.

No, it's because it's out.

Shush.

I want to hear his answer.

I mean, my answer is no.

No, no, no, I would not.

Would you ever think that?

It would even occur to me.

Did someone leave that plant there?

No.

Would you ever notice it?

Even if it was my plant, I would feel that I could put it out and not think that anybody.

Because it's so foreign.

The plant could be on fire, and I wouldn't even notice it.

It's just because I'm putting it out by the back door, which is close to the dumpster.

You think somebody's going to throw it in the dumpster?

Yeah, really.

In reality,

even though it's really healthy.

It's a lovely.

Why not put it out in the front then?

Because I think there's more people out there.

They're not going to walk around to the dumpster and throw it out.

Yeah, but it's out front, and I think it's an even better chance of it getting stolen.

So I think

if it's by the back.

Or porch pirate-type situation.

Yeah.

What a fevered brain that's in that fucking skull that you are worried about people stealing your plants if you leave them out somewhere.

Where'd you get it from?

Stole it.

No, they're both from Lindsay, Lindsay Dixon.

Okay.

Good old Lindsay.

Yeah.

So she grew me an avocado plant, which I call the Linzicado.

And there's a little...

Oh, that was clever.

There you go.

Use that one for Gamer.

Well, because I was trying to grow Gedimkato.

Even better.

And then there's like a little

Thanksgiving cactus.

I did think about

growing some sort of citrus tree.

Is that something I can do around here?

I don't know exactly what zone we're in, but as long as it's tolerant to that zone,

you should be able to get by.

I got some oranges the other day from ShopRight.

They were the shittiest oranges I've ever eaten in my life.

Like,

I'm talking literally here.

Yeah, like maybe I can grow my own.

Yeah.

Not a chance.

No.

Not a chance.

Are you going to be able to fucking grow an orange tree?

God damn it.

There's no way.

I mean, I don't mean to shit on your dream, but like, let's be realistic here.

You know that you're not going to fucking.

Your dream of having fresh, squeezed orange juice

every morning.

Yeah, I'll forget about it or it'll like, or like, I'll do everything I'm supposed to do and it just won't work.

Have you ever seen anybody have an orange tree around here?

Not around here.

No, I remember Mosier had a lemon tree, though.

What part of the country was that?

He did live in Southern California at the time.

Yeah, I don't know

if Jersey is like, you know, the citrus state.

We had a peach tree in my backyard when I was a kid.

Isn't

the orange, isn't Florida where they grow oranges?

Aren't they known for that?

Yeah, Florida is, yeah, the Sunshine State.

Yeah, and God forbid they should go to frost because then it destroys the entire crop.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Well, maybe indoors I could grow it.

Yeah,

bring it in during the winter.

If you have a garage.

All I need is a sign to put next to it so nobody steals it.

Yes.

The amount of effort that you'll put into getting, how many oranges do you eat a year?

Seven?

Well, what if Q comes over?

Oh, you got some fresh citrus here for me.

I see you got some Clementine.

So

just go to like one of these vegetable stands or fruit stands instead of going to Shop Right.

Yeah, you're probably

a lot of work, money, and frustration, anger.

Buy the oranges there.

Buy the oranges there.

Get some rubber bands.

Just, you know, attach them to the branch of any tree, and then just call it your orange tree.

Yeah, Mary Beth was like,

not this coming weekend, but I think the following weekend I want to try to have a housewarming party.

And I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind

like what

how fast do you think we're gonna be able to do this like I'm usually like the person that has to be told like whoa slow down like you're being completely unrealistic about this time frame but for her I was like no fucking way you I said you'll be lucky if you could get one going by October

yeah there's just something about like when you move into a new place and like you're like I gotta do a housewarming party.

I was going to do that when I moved into the farm.

And like I went, I was like buying like little swizzle sticks with, like I I had a theme in my mind, it was gonna be like a tiki party theme.

So, I had these little swizzle sticks with like little uh the tiki gods on them and everything like that, and yeah, it just never went anywhere.

Never happened, you never had the party, no, because then, like, winter, it was like right around winter came, and then, like, I'm not gonna have the I'll have it next summer, and that never then, I just lost interest.

Yeah, what made you decide to stop entertaining?

You had that, you had a wonderful uh pool party one time, and then uh was it just too much work?

The pool then got knocked down for a big reason.

And

we never

investigated

bringing in another pool.

And once that was gone,

we felt there was nothing, there was no draw to our house to anybody.

You know, it's certainly not, not the people inside of it are certainly not worthy of coming down and hanging out.

So it was like, yeah, we felt the pool was like kind of like offset ours.

That's all we got.

I'm not sure if you know, but you can go on Amazon and get a $700 hot tub.

Yeah, I can't.

It's literally a ballot hot tub.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, it's not for you.

It's for your guests.

Just to watch them enjoy it.

Would you spend $700

on a reasonably priced hot tub?

What are we watching here?

Is this...

Yeah, it's just preseason football.

Preseason football, huh?

Yeah.

He's checking on Mahomes to see if he's a danger to Brady this year.

I just read something about Brady.

I can't remember what it was.

There's a lot of weird

rumors swirling around.

He took a leave of absence from the team.

They don't know when he's coming back.

It's almost over Killer's territory.

I don't think so.

That one theory you were on.

There are some theories on the internet that he's off filming The Masked Singer.

Oh, really?

Because he signed this massive mega contract with Fox Sports to be a sportscaster when he said he was going to retire.

And there's a theory going.

There's somebody online saying that with that contract signing, he also said that he would be on the Masked Singer.

Like it was a duel

built into the contract.

And now he can't get out of it.

So that's why he's had to leave the team to be on the mass singer, which,

to me, flies in the face of everything this guy's been for the last 50 years, 40-something years.

I mean, he's all about one thing, winning football games.

And that

is the 180-degree opposite of the mindset you should have of like being on a fucking

shitty fucking mass singer show.

Now, I say this with all love for Joey Fatone because he was on the show.

But I agree.

I'm just like, who watches this bullshit?

Like, that's that's that's that's Fatone's words.

It's crazy how many people love it.

Yes.

Like, I'm not like it.

That's a rhetorical who watches this bullshit.

Like, but I'm just like, how does someone sit down?

And I mean, people might say, how does somebody sit down?

The internet loves it.

You know, speculation.

It is a phenomenon.

Is that how you say it?

A phenomenon, yeah.

But for a guy who

has been all about, like, you know, like

driven, you know, one fucking focus.

Like, he is more focused than fucking a Terminator on what he has to do.

This feels like it cannot be the reason he's not in camp, right?

You don't think he can sing?

No, no.

Do you think he can put his mind to making himself a great singer in a short amount of time?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But I just feel like it's a distraction that, like, he has never allowed in the past, if that's what it is.

It could be really anything.

It could be, you know, I know maybe a parent

is not doing well health-wise.

I feel like, if it's the mass singer, I'm going to be shocked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if he got mono from his son?

All right, enough with it.

I know.

It's what these guys are.

You know,

one-on-one a pot is enough.

This is what you do all the time, though.

Oh, this is what he tries to get at you with?

No, no.

He just hammers at home to the point where it's not funny anymore.

He had one snicker and now he feels like, you know, that's his, that's all the comedy he'll do now.

It's that one.

I got to admit it is fit can be left out because he's laughing.

Oh, boy.

Well, I don't really, I mean, I didn't do much except I like I said, I was sick.

I stayed in bed for probably three days.

Like, I really was like,

oh, we ain't getting worse last week.

We were fucking doing,

I mean, I know it's a lot politically correct to say this now, but we were doing real men's work, you know, not sitting in a fucking studio like riffing on a fucking shitty monster movie.

We were actually doing like fucking blue-collar shit.

Walt was driving the sounds like it sucks.

Kind of did.

Walt was driving on the big robe with a big truck.

I had to rent a rig

and bring some couches,

a bed,

some tables up to my brother-in-law and Tim Fuck too.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, really?

Yeah,

it's the kind of place where when you're leaving, they warn you, look out for bear and deer.

So, you were way up north.

Yeah, he actually has a bear living underneath his porch.

Not when we were doing, not when we were moving in the furniture.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but he has said the bear will sometimes stay, like they'll hear it underneath the porch.

How do you live like that?

I have no idea.

But yeah,

so

I had to rent a truck and drive it.

Wow.

Yeah.

First thing.

Intimidating?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

He matched it right off the bat.

First thing I was terrified of was because my wife

did it online and like did the process of renting the truck online.

I was like, holy shit.

I didn't tell her I couldn't drive a stick.

Right.

You know, but thankfully she remembered I can't drive a stick, having hence never seen me either.

For 30 years

so thank god she didn't get a truck with a stick because we would have been fucking

she's like what what gender should i check

now why didn't you have uh get him an experienced uh

an experienced driver uh

of farm equipment in charge you want to do it yourself yeah i wanted to uh you know feel that fucking beast in between my legs yeah you know i wanted to feel the that that power that that engine had you know rumble the transmission i wanted to feel that wheel, you know, as I'm turning it and saying, like, am I too close to the side?

Am I fucking too close?

What are you looking at your phone for?

You're supposed to be looking to see if I'm too close to the other car.

Adjust my mirrors.

How do these things work?

I gotta pay tolls.

We forgot to bring the fucking,

what's it called?

Oh, the easy pass?

Easy pass.

So we had to blow through all the tolls.

Oh, my God.

Because there's nobody manning tolls.

Yeah, there's no toll takers anymore.

That's a scam in itself, right there.

If you don't offer a toll booth taker, then

you can't issue a ticket.

That's the rule that should be in any fucking state.

It seems pretty unfair.

Right?

If you're not willing to put a man in the booth, then don't fucking dare send me a fucking ticket.

Because

I was willing to pay for it, but I only had a $20 bill.

And they wouldn't take cash.

No.

Because you asked that one guy.

They wouldn't take cash.

They don't take cash anymore?

Well, the one guy who was at this toll booth was like, no, I can't take it.

No, no, no.

That was a guy just walking on the side of the road.

That was a homeless dude.

No, that was just like, I went.

He had a mess on.

He wasn't manning the booth.

I was just like, hey, what can I do if I don't have change?

He goes, just go, he said.

All right.

That seems to like fly in the face of what you guys are trying to do here.

Because he knew

he'd be getting my fucking fine money.

You know, that's how he gets his fucking check.

That's true, yeah.

The more people he waves on throw.

Yeah, the more, yeah, the more.

We're going to get a raise this year.

Yeah, you're right.

But, oh, yeah, it was

avoiding state troopers, skipping the way stations.

Damn.

How big was the truck?

No, it was a what, was it a 30-footer?

Oh.

He's dwarfing rigs.

This was a 10-footer, but.

Oh, was it 10 feet?

Yeah.

Why was that small?

No, no, no, no.

There was one bigger.

There was at least a bigger one.

It was the 20-footer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a huge difference, though.

Oh, yeah.

20 and fucking 10.

10's not too bad.

Yeah.

But

it all went pretty darn smooth until the last

item in the truck.

Like, we had gotten everything out of the truck and up to

when we got up to

my brother-in-law's.

And we were fucking like a machine.

It was well-oiled.

Get him fucking handed me this.

Me bringing it here.

You know, it was like we were emptying that truck.

We could have fucking opened up our own business.

Yeah.

Like people, like their neighbors would have been like, hey, are you available next weekend to move something for me?

That's how impressive

a fucking production it was.

CST Town Haulers.

Until

we get the big couch.

And that's got to get in.

And

I'm ashamed to say that

we gave up and just fled into the night as we never got it in the house.

You never got it in?

We never got it.

You just left it for him?

We're like, I don't know what to do.

I just said, we can't get it in.

I said, we got four people here.

And we spent an hour, tried everything, took the door down, took the feet off the couch, wiggled it this way, wiggled it that way.

Flip it over, flip it this way.

And he says, it wasn't happening.

And I was just like, I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, but like, I'm out of here.

It's time to go.

It's time to go.

It's time for me to go.

I did all I could.

He's only got eight hours on the road.

Then he's got a, you know, like,

I can't force his fucking pull over and go to sleep on the side of the road.

And we had already gotten rid of the bed.

Yeah, so I did feel kind of bad, though, because we were like, what do you want to do?

I mean, we can't get it in.

And so my brother-in-law was like, well, just throw it in the...

in the garage.

But the other

people who lived there were not happy with that fucking, like, I could just see on their face, they were fucking pissed when we just left the garage.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, in all fairness, you're not professional movers that were hired to fucking get it in that house.

That was my suggestion.

I said, find somebody who knows how to move couches and stuff.

Because he's like, oh, we moved one out that was just as big as this.

And I'm like, I don't know how the hell you got it out of here.

Well, then get your team and move it back the fuck in.

Yeah, but like, I

like to me,

you believe, though, that there was a way for that couch to get in there.

Yeah, because if they got one out, I said there's somebody who knows how to move and they can just look at it and know exactly the way to turn it and tilt it and everything to get it in.

But if you guys, I mean, you guys are intelligent people.

If you worked for an hour trying to get this.

I had a fucking 148 IQ fucking

pilot.

Stumped.

I thought I had a line on it, and so we flipped it this way so that we could angle it against the doorway.

We had the glass out on the door and everything else like that, and it just don't, it was like four inches too short or too long.

Then we're like, we're like, you know what, man, after a man's work, we want a fucking man's dinner.

All right, we had to go like with someplace that has a fucking

hefty plate of fucking old-fashioned food, big fat steak, cracker barrel.

Oh, there you go.

Which I hadn't been to in years, which I won't be back

for many years.

It wasn't good.

No, it wasn't good.

No,

that's one, that's rule number one of the road.

I forgot it, though.

I forgot it.

Don't, when you got a long road trip, don't eat somewhere that you never ate before or you haven't eaten before

in years.

Stick to where your stomach knows.

It should have been a Denny's.

It should have been a Denny's or a Red Robin or any other number of places I go.

Don't fucking introduce

foreign chicken fingers

into your system when you're on it.

When you got a long road trip ahead of you, it's just fucking suicide.

How far away was it?

Oh, it was at least an hour and 40 minutes

from here.

Wow.

So it was a three-hour.

And

they asked him at the place.

They said, how many miles are you going?

And this motherfucker,

without even knowing where he was going, was nailed to within four miles.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I said, put me in for 150 miles, I said, not knowing where the fuck I was going.

And when we came back, it was 154.

Wow.

Yeah, that's pretty decent.

Yeah, I couldn't stop talking about it.

I told everybody.

Anybody would listen.

When's the last time you rented a truck?

Because they ask you the mileage, right?

So they ask you your, what's it called, your guesstimated mileage, what you're going to take it on the night.

And I don't know why I said 150.

Fuck.

And you would have been right if we didn't have that one

JPS.

Well, I also would have been right.

I missed the fucking entrance to the U-Haul place, bringing the truck back.

So

I had to go around a long U-turn.

And why did you miss the.

Because I, the tiger, came on.

And I said, you know what?

I the turtle.

I was riffing the movie while I was driving.

What's that, U-Haul place?

Oh, shit.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.