#516: The Vanilla Edge
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Transcript
I don't need boobies.
Shaved Beaver.
I'll sell you pubic hair for 500.
Tell him Steve Dave.
Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.
I'm here with Walt.
Hello.
And from
a faraway land, BQ.
Hello.
Hi.
Out there in Staten Island.
Yes.
Now, when you hear, Walt, that a man of BQ's stature
has the same problems as every other normal man, does it make you feel a little better?
Yeah, it does, right?
Yeah, it absolutely does, Andrew.
Like, you know, that like he
he his he has leaks like everybody else.
His roof leaks?
Yeah.
Holy shit, man.
I feel like, man, like, I feel like I could tackle anything now.
I'll tell you what.
Mary Beth was taking a shower yesterday.
It was the water's raining down onto like, you know, to the floor beneath.
And I'm like, why?
This is me.
I'm a fucking loser.
Oh, you had a piece of shithole.
Oh, my God.
Well, guys, just to be clear, like, my roof isn't leaking.
I don't live in a ghetto.
What was leaking?
Well, I didn't mean to cut off Brian's story.
I'm sorry.
I don't know which way you want to go first.
Oh, no, that was the story.
Oh, so just your tub leaks?
Well,
they renovated the bathroom
like a month or so ago, and the leak has just got progressively worse.
Did they seal the tub?
I don't know.
I would have to think no.
Like, if you saw the job that they did, you would be like,
I say this, like, whenever I want to provide a bar of how bad the work is, it's like, I could do it better.
So, what do you got to do?
Just put towels down and try to well what is she splashing around in there or yeah
what's going on
why do you got to raise your arms above your head come on now
she um no it's like it's just
i i think what it what it's like in the actual knob like that where you turn the water on i think it's behind the the wall and in there somewhere so like the water just comes pouring down which means they're going to have to go and remove the thing that they just put in Like, one of those, you've probably seen the commercials for them.
It's like, oh, those tubs that go slide right in, the one pieces.
Slide right in.
And I'm sure it works like that every time that's smooth, right?
Oh,
I'm sure it's always a problem.
Because what you're doing, this is the version of the,
you know, the quick fix.
Right.
You know, you're not going to spend the money to do it right.
You're going to try to do it with this thing, this like the easy, cheaper route to fix it.
And usually it it does not work
they show how simple it is and how happy everybody is once it's done
they put a a a floor down now i when i originally called i was like there's the the water the floor is so soft it feels like you're going to fall through it so what they did instead of like taking all that up putting down new plywood and then putting down that like floor which actually doesn't look too bad it's like that pergo shit almost about like uh this gray wood but the wood underneath is so soft that now when you step on it, the boards are breaking.
So there's a bunch of boards with splits throughout.
I mean,
I know why people do that.
An adult male in the United States.
Sounds like you live in the Ukraine.
I know why people go the, you know, they don't want to spend the money to fix it properly the first time, but inevitably,
don't you wind up spending more money
in the long run by not addressing it and fixing it properly?
Exactly.
I have a landlord, so I understand where he's like, it's a rental property.
The less money I put into it, the more money I'll make back.
Right.
I used to say, landlord, I'm leaning towards slum lord.
But yeah, you're right.
It's like they, then they even told him, well, first they tried to blame us.
They were like, they're taking showers with the shower curtain on the outside of the tub.
How do they know that?
How do they know that?
It's your fault.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It was our fault.
Just like when the kitchen sink was leaking, it was also our fault because we piled up too much stuff underneath the sink.
Yeah.
You know, of course, like a detergent and that kind of thing.
Yeah, that affects fights.
Yeah, yeah.
The same things that everybody piles up underneath their sinks across America, we did, and somehow we were causing the problem.
And we don't, I mean,
in the past like three and a half years, I guess I've lived there, the calls have been so minimal in terms of like, hey, can you fix this?
Hey, can you fix that?
They should have been probably triple.
But it's like, I don't like dealing with people like coming into the house, and it's annoying.
So I'll just let some shit go.
Because at this point, I'm just like, fuck it, the whole fucking ceiling can come down.
It's not my problem.
Yeah, you're leaving soon, right?
Yeah.
We're getting out of there.
Fucking crooked house.
Won't miss anything about one thing.
but what was your leak
oh well so i you know the house is is old so the basement like for some reason like all right so i had a french drain put in the basement right and then they also dug up the outside of the house and tarred it sounds like it should be waterproofed right but it's not um with a certain amount i mean i guess there's just like if the groundwater goes too high, it just goes over the foundation of the house kind of and like gets through.
Um, and it hasn't happened since I fixed the house.
But the last rain that we had, I started getting these leaks because it was just torrential.
And I figured out what's going on, Walt, is my
gutters have, if they get blocked, they have these overpourings that, like, when it boils up, you know, when it lifts over, it spits it out.
You know how, like, on churches, they have gargoyles, and the fucking water spouts out of them.
So, I have, like, not gargoyles, they're just boxes, but it spouts out.
And the problem is, like, there's a, there's a, there's a blockage somewhere somewhere in the drainage system.
So all the spouts on the house are pissing water into the exact spots that will leak.
So I have to,
I have a call into the gutter guy.
I can't do it myself.
I tried.
A month ago, over a month, I'm waiting for the gutter to the guy to come.
I call another person.
He's like, no, we're two months out.
It's like fucking insane.
So I can't get anybody here.
So
I have garbage pails under the spouts to catch the water from the spouts.
But then I had to go to, then I have my pool pump
in the garbage can pumping out the water constantly.
So the spout spits it into the garbage can, the pool pump spits it out.
But I have four of them.
So I had to go to Home Depot and get four pumps.
So now I'm outside in the fucking pouring rain setting up these pumps and electric cords and everything like that.
And so it's just,
yeah, it's just, but they're all, I mean, I look like
I have four extension cords running around the outside of my house, four fucking pumps pumping, four garbage cans just sitting like up next to the house.
It just looks like shit.
And I'm the modern, you're the modern-day version of the Dutch boy with his finger in it.
Damn.
Yeah, yeah.
I like how you're so woke you didn't say dyke.
Yeah.
And I'm out there and I'm like, this is
why am I dealing with this?
Well, you know what, though?
This is great for
your
PR.
You know, like I said, the way you're viewed by everybody, because not only do you have the leaks, you also don't have any gargoyles.
Yeah, no gargoyles.
People would have assumed that you had gargoyles, too.
Well, I'll tell you something else.
While I was out there, Walt, you'll like this.
This will help my...
So my neighbor to the back of me, their house is for sale, right?
And there's no one living there.
And they have a pool.
that i mean they can't sell this house it's been like two years they can't sell this house and uh but no one's been there for over a year so their pool has one of those blue pool pumps in it, and it got clogged.
So the whole cover of the pool is like forming a lake.
So in the rain today, I went out there, I got into that fucking lake, I pulled out the pump, their pump, I opened it up, I got all the leaves and the gunk out, I cleaned it all out, fucking pouring rain, put it back, put it back, plugged it into my outlet because I don't know that they're I ran an extension cord down to their house.
So now I'm pumping out their pool cover.
Nobody even lives there just to help out the next owners of the house.
Wow.
That is fucking unreal.
That's a nice guy.
That's like, you know, Rush should remake that song, Modern Day Tom Sawyer, but Modern Day Dutch Boy.
Talking leaks all over Staten.
Leaks for days, and there's probably going to be some fucking asshole that music.
Yeah, babe, but that's that, and no one will even know.
Well, now.
Well, now they will.
Yeah.
Oh, you knew I was mentioning it.
While I was doing it, I was like, how do I get this out there?
Is this worth a press release?
I don't know.
Yeah, well, will the AP cover this?
Probably not, but at least I'll say it on TSD.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, so that's been my morning.
So I'm, you know, so it's a little frustrating.
So thank you for your patience.
Oh, no problem.
Yeah, and here we are doing it remotely now, but that's all right.
I can still see you.
Sometimes you got to do it remotely.
You got to do it remotely sometimes.
Better than nothing.
Yeah.
Q,
this won't really affect affect you, Walt.
I don't think you'll be able to relate to this, but you have been to Key West.
Florida.
You've been to Florida?
Yes.
Down to Key West.
Q, you and I have been down there several times.
Yes, love Key West.
Many, many times.
It's all like your home away from home.
It's probably, it's definitely top three of my favorite places on the planet.
I love it down there.
Yeah, me too.
And I vacation there more with Q than I have any other place with any girlfriend.
Just two dudes dudes shuffling off to QS for a lovely weekend.
However, I read some very disturbing news yesterday.
Oh, no.
That
some of the townspeople and some of the business owners are tired of Fantasy Fest's debauchery and
they're looking to shut down
what makes Fantasy Fest great.
Is Fantasy Fest, is this on the level of like hedonism?
No.
No, I would say it's more on the level of like Mardi Gras.
Okay.
You know, there's some flashing, there's some risk aching.
But there is some nudity.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
It's not sugarcoated.
No, there's definitely.
Like, try to like play it down.
All right.
You guys are so quick.
There's some, there's some flashing.
You might catch it here and there.
When I went last time with Mary Beth, there was no flashing.
It was, I mean, thankfully, because everybody was like 80.
But that was before the weekend where all the kids come down.
But in case you're even wondering what we're talking about, Fantasy Fest is a 10-day celebration down in Key West, Florida for Halloween.
Which we don't even go to anymore.
We don't go to Fantasy Fest.
I haven't gotten in many years.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that an amateur hour queue?
No.
Fantasy Fest is a blast, and I recommend anybody go.
Just for me,
in a crowd full of drunks for four days straight, I can't pull it off anymore.
But I encourage anybody to go.
It's a blast.
Unless, it sounds like they're about to change the rules.
It says rule changes are imminent but from what i understood none of that was legal anyway
but the cops just sort of overlooked it you know it was they closed down duval street it was limited to a certain area but now people are complaining like you know people are having sex in the alleyways and they're walking around naked and blah blah blah why do people do that Sex in the alleyway?
Yeah, like I can't imagine it's comfortable.
So like I can't imagine it's a, it's, it's got, it's somewhat degrading, I would think.
Oh, they ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Yeah, that's exactly it.
So you do understand.
Yeah, but why don't people like, you know, like, they must have a room?
Like, why, why can't they
get it together to at least make it back to their rooms?
Well, I think probably the excitement of knowing that somebody might come around the corner or there's people like, you know, walking by in the distance as you're under the cover of the foliage, you know, banging away.
Foliage.
Foliage, yeah.
Would you consider trash cans and garbage bags and
this is a tropical area?
Right.
But like, I imagine.
To answer your question, yes, yes, I would.
I don't see much greenery in an alleyway.
No, I think they're talking about like their people's homes.
You know, like,
yeah, not necessarily like alleyways in between businesses and shit, but it's like, you know, they go off into the side streets and they can't control themselves.
No, I think this is
the
common thing that happens, though.
Like,
you are kind of like on the side of, like, hey,
let it happen, baby.
Let it fly.
Like, if history
has said that this is great for the area, this is why people like to come there.
This is why you like to go there.
But what if it was in your backyard?
If it was in my backyard?
Yeah, literally.
In your backyard, you had like every morning or you would hear something and you look back there and there's a couple going at it fiercely, ferociously.
Yeah, I probably wouldn't be crazy about it.
Fiercely and ferociously.
Yeah,
I probably wouldn't.
I can, but I don't care enough.
I don't care enough.
It's too good of a time.
But did they know what they're getting into, though, when they purchase property in this area?
They know that this happens every year.
Some people probably do.
And it only affects, like, I would say probably cue, like people within a couple block radius of Duval Street, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I would say it's probably not, like, nobody's wandering, like, a quarter mile from Duval Street to bang in a yard or anything like that.
No, no.
So it's the immediate residence in what they call Old Town.
And I have to think, I mean, it's been going on since 1979.
And somebody was quoted in one of the, oh, Sucks just burst in.
It was.
quoted as saying, somebody, I think the mayor or somebody was quoted as saying, like,
it's,
you know, it's, it, it was, wasn't started as a family-friendly event, but it wasn't also supposed to be a triple X event either.
Right.
Now, I haven't personally, I have not seen any triple X
behavior or content.
We did see back in the 90s, there was that one woman leading a naked girl around on a leash
who would allow you to touch her in any way you wanted for a dollar.
I mean, for a dollar.
Sounds pretty triple.
Yeah, I guess so.
That is pretty triple X.
I wonder what she's doing today, that girl on the leash.
She was younger than us then, and I was, what, 24, and she was younger than us.
She was like 23, 22, I think she said she was.
So she's around that at my age now, and she's out there doing it.
Maybe she's out there on the leash still.
I hope so if she likes it.
Wouldn't you like to think that, that she's still out there on the leash having a good time?
I would choose to believe that, yeah.
But she probably like instead broke up with that girl and then married some dude who's like, you're not getting a leash.
That was it.
Or if he even knows of her past leash life.
Oh, even worse.
Oh, his wife was on a leash on Duval Street.
Leave anybody touch her for a dollar.
Oh, God almighty.
No.
No.
Which was in the late 90s, early 2000s, was probably still only worth, like, what, $1.30?
It's not like inflation kicked it up that much.
Yeah, maybe she invested that money.
I don't know.
She liked it, though.
She was happy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, she made a couple of bucks.
So I can see what they're saying, though.
Like, it's not...
There is a line.
Like, if it was just painted boobies, we might not be having this conversation.
But it is, people take it too far.
Everybody's their own worst enemy, right?
So it's like somebody's
just banging in a yard or or leaving condoms in someone's pool or some shit like that.
And I understand.
That would get me pissed as well, no?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it would.
Yeah.
So what are the new rules
uh i don't know they they said that they they haven't been named but they're imminent and it seemed it seemed like body painting was going the way of the dinosaur no which which to me is like that's that shuts down a lot of independent body painters within the uh like a lot of people are gonna lose out on some well can't they just paint their bodies like what by wearing a bikini
I guess so, but that's not the point.
Yeah, but you still see 90% of your body is exposed and you can have all the beautiful paintings on it that you on your back, on your belly, on your arms, on your legs.
Why has it got to be right now one certain area or else it doesn't matter?
Then it's not.
Because that's the best area.
Yeah, but
but it has to be there and then it's or it's just not worth, you know, anything.
Well, it's not the same.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
But it doesn't make any sense.
Because then you got to paint your your whole your whole bikini, too.
Yeah, you're going to ruin a bikini?
I know.
Bikinis are expensive.
Well, I mean, maybe if they were like, maybe if it was just like, you have to wear a bikini bottom by law.
But why can't you go topless?
Women could go topless in New York City.
It's legal for women to go topless if they want.
Isn't that weird they passed that law and then you never see any women topless in New York City?
Well, I mean, have you walked the streets of fucking New York City?
Yeah.
I wouldn't want to.
Nah, you wouldn't want to these days.
Yeah, so
next time, I guess I went to one of the last fantasy fests that, uh, because we went two years ago, Mary Beth and I.
Yeah.
One of the last.
Oh, man.
That's all right.
It's kind of Key West has kind of become like Vegas for me, where it's like, it's not the same experience I had when I was a younger man and I was going.
Like, now I go for different reasons.
But Key West has all those reasons, I find.
Like, it's a great place to go with your friends and sit at a bar and just have some drinks and go out in the water and shit like that.
So even though it's lost that
dirty, dirty vibe, you know what I mean?
That
edge.
That edge, I find I don't need the edge anymore, Walt.
I'm okay going down there for the other bountiful treasures of the Florida Keys.
He says that a lot.
He makes these proclamations.
Do you find that to be true?
I think he still needs that edge.
Oh, I think so, too.
Yeah, he definitely.
If I need it, I know he needs it.
I I don't know who he's trying to convince that he doesn't need it.
He's really trying to build himself up.
He's like, you know, I helped my neighbor today.
Now I need the edge.
I don't need boobies.
I think you get a couple drinks in him, then it comes right back.
Yeah, he's not going down.
He's not in his car, like his cardigan, like his fucking Mr.
Rogers mode.
Even with a couple of drinks in him, yeah,
Mr.
Rogers turns into the incredible fucking Hulk.
But doesn't everybody doesn't everybody need a little bit of an edge as you get older?
No, you don't need an edge.
No.
You're not throwing condoms at anyone's.
I never needed an edge.
You know, from the most out of the womb, I didn't need an edge, man.
I stayed as far away from the edge as possible.
Where's the edge?
You'll find me on the other fucking far, far, far away on the other side.
You go too far.
Brian and Brewer.
Too far to the edge.
What happens?
You can find another edge.
If you go too far from one edge, you find the other edge, buddy.
True, but
I've always been able to find
comfort in never seeing the edge.
Not even seeing the edge.
It's so far away, I can't even see it.
I don't even like to hear about it.
That way, you never fall.
You never have to worry about, you know, like, you know, like
falling off the edge with the metaphor or falling out of bed or anything.
It's
nice and safe.
Okay.
I hear you.
I'm only saying, I'm not, but like I said, I think I'm the unicorn.
Like Bryce said, everybody needs the edge, but there are a few.
Sunday Jeff
doesn't need an edge.
I don't think in his private life, Sunday Jeff has some sort of edge
that we don't know.
No.
We don't know about.
I would bet anything on it.
I mean, I would bet anything on it.
There's no edge.
You don't think he watches the Red Shoe Diaries or something like that?
I think his edge is going even more vanilla.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
He's like, I'm going to push it.
Yeah, like
that's how edge.
That's how he gets edgy.
He's like, I'm going to make it even more.
The vanilla edge.
Yeah, really.
I mean, you think about you on Sunday, and this guy's like, I don't need the edge.
I like that vanilla Edge
it's a good name for a band the vanilla Edge just play like yeah just play covers of like very non-controversial songs and stuff like that
so that I couldn't possibly some dad rock yeah some dad rock but not but not not like the naughty dad rock like you know is there naughty dad rock well if you listen to like the rolling stones and stuff like that like I think that okay you know
they get sexy I think you got to stick to it yeah I would I would not consider the stones dad rock Oh, really?
I was thinking, no, I was thinking like
something like very, like,
oh my God, who was that band?
I can't remember.
Like, 38 Special.
Oh, okay.
Hold on, Lucy.
All right.
Okay, yeah, I can see that.
38 Special.
Yeah, you know, Lover Boy.
Uh-huh.
Starship.
Everybody's working.
Starship.
Yeah.
These are the bands that, you know, they wouldn't have the
scandalous lyrics that the Stones had.
Right, right.
All right.
Vanilla Edge.
I love it.
Oh, yeah.
Take another run, baby.
Like, Born to be Wild is as crazy as they get.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they explain it ironically.
Yeah.
Halfway through.
They're like, no, no, no.
We're just kidding.
We're not serious.
I love it.
Yeah, so it's the death of,
or at least the last gasping breaths of a place that factored in heavily into our
I don't want to say youth because I was probably 30 when we went.
I consider that youth now.
But yeah, a place that, God, we like
if you were to say, like, okay, name your top 10 memories, like easily a couple of our trips fall in there.
Yeah, it's a special place.
I do love it down there.
But, you know,
this could all be PR stuff.
We'll see who follows those rules.
Yeah.
And it's like everything else.
Like, I just find, like,
you know, just like everything was just better in the 90s, man.
This is the way it was.
It's just like another thing.
Do you glorify it, though?
Maybe, you know, do you, like, as you get further and further away from those days, do you, as people tend to do, do you glorify
these days?
And maybe they were even, they were, they were good, but they weren't like where you're putting them where at these untouchable standards.
No, I think that everything's so annoying and bad now that it's undeniable that almost any other time was better than this.
I might be putting on the roasted glasses, but we got fucking, we're living in this shit time right now.
It does seem like there's an unprecedented amount of finger wagging.
Oh, I mean, it's just
every single fucking thing you do.
It's finger wagging.
But
it's just like, it's just, yeah, the finger wagging has been going on for so long now that you're just like, oh, fuck this.
But like, it's just like everything now.
It's not even like the finger wagging has led to annoyance on another side that just wants to annoy the other side.
So it's just like everybody's just ambing up bullshit for years now.
And you're just like,
those of us in the middle are like, I just don't care about this and the noise has gotten too loud i think so i think for most people i don't think i'm for me yeah i think i think i think it's accurate yeah
it's so deafening now that it's hard you just can't bear to listen to it anymore well you can't bear to listen to it and it's just like
i
i mean you know the
of course chicken little right the sky is falling or the boy that cried wolf right it's like everything is a fucking panic.
Everything's an existential crisis.
No matter what happens, it's the end of the world today.
And you're just like, ah, man, there's only so many times I could hear that America's dead and gone before I'm like, oh, maybe you guys just don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know.
I don't know.
So weird things have been happening lately, Walt.
I've been
finding hope.
I don't know, man.
Like, I'm starting to think
more and more that
for some reason, it's unearned, but my faith in America and Americans is rising.
Oh, wow, I thought you were gonna say religion.
I was just like, dude, no, that's fucking dope.
Not yet, not yet.
I'm not that dope.
I really thought he was, I thought he was gonna say, yeah, I really thought he was gonna say, I've been finding hope.
No, no, and then I was just like, oh, I was like, this is gonna be a fucking balls-out episode where Q finds God.
Not yet, no, not yet, okay, no, no, whatever, we'll get there, we'll get there, we're working towards it.
The older I get, the closer to death I get.
Everybody does.
Like if you're dumb.
Oh, no.
It's all those times.
Where is he?
Where's God?
I need him now.
God, it's BQ.
Remember, God is me Margaret.
Oh, yeah, it's me, Margaret.
It's coming.
It's coming.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody faces it.
She wasn't talking about God.
Wasn't she talking about her period?
Yeah,
I just was using the title of the book.
anybody for anybody who remembers it.
I'm sure there's not many
because there's no way, although I don't know.
Do you think it's reintroduced into
the literary mainstream?
I think the, I mean, remember how titillating, I don't know if you know it was about this book, Q, but um, hey, God, it's me, Margaret.
Yeah, I've heard of it.
What was the titillating aspect of that book?
There was only one like sentence about it, but I don't remember.
The teenage girl character
talks about getting her period.
And
that was all we had back in the 70s, man.
We took that book out of the library just to read that sentence, you know, because it was so hot.
We were just like,
how?
Because we didn't, like, we were
12 and 13 or 11.
So to see a book in the public school library about
talking about those things was so erotic.
I mean, we didn't have cable TV.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, so it was just like, you know, maybe you found a Playboy in the woods.
All right.
But this, you could, like, if you, if you didn't have anything, you know, you, you,
you just went down and checked it.
Hey, God, it's me, Margaret.
What do you mean, it's out?
Johnson hasn't brought that book back in.
That motherfucker's had it for three weeks.
What was going on in the woods?
Because we all found Playboys in the woods.
We all found them.
Isn't it fucked up?
Like, I think that had to be a 70s slash 80s phenomenon.
I think aliens were leaving Playboys and penthouses in the fucking
crazy.
Behind Wagner High School on Staten Island, me and my cousin were walking, and we just came upon like a stack of a magazine called Shaved.
Shaved magazine.
And it was like, and it was exposed to the elements, but but they were still in good shape like you're like what is going on yeah they just were they just were freshly dropped off yeah yeah but
did you even think about it at the time like where'd these come from no it was just like holy shit
beaver yeah beaver shaved beaver
yeah
like i can't tell you the amount of times
frolicking through the woods, you'd stumble upon a penthouse or a weed
or something, and you would just be like, Where did this come from?
Why is it here?
Yeah,
that's right.
Oh, god, it is, though.
I remember coming across with uh, with Mark London, coming across a, it was a small trunk, it wasn't a full-size trunk, but it was just sitting out there.
Yeah, you told everybody about that, yeah, and it opened it up, and it was uh full of books
full of magazines.
That was the treasure chest, yeah.
That was your literal treasure chest.
Don't go looking for gold or money because you already found yours.
Be happy you had that.
This is my currency.
How many treasure chests does one man expect to find in this world?
I'm like, they should be on every street corner.
In a way, it is because of the internet.
Now you're...
Yeah.
The treasure's everywhere.
Yeah, but now the treasure means nothing because it is so accessible.
Yeah, you're right about that.
And
you could wander from the woods all the way to Staten Island, all the way to Jersey in Monmouth County.
You're not going to find
skin magazines in the woods anymore because I mean, it's so rare to find a skin magazine anywhere.
Yeah.
You know, because of the internet.
So that's why you're like, that's the dinosaur.
That's like finding a fucking dinosaur bone.
It's better than finding a dinosaur bone because it's at least real.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
But no, my faith in Americans, Walt.
I'm starting to have faith.
I think America is going to come out of this.
Okay.
What can you point to that makes you feel like you know America?
Absolutely nothing.
But I'm just thinking about how amazing Americans are and like how
as a society and as a people, we're unequaled in the world, in the history of the human race.
There's nothing like America.
And I think that people.
are going to start realizing that again.
I think.
Yeah.
I do.
I do.
I think we're going to turn a corner.
I think we're going to start seeing each other as Americans again.
Oh, man.
Like Americans seeing each other as only Americans?
Not as only.
I think that fucking is out of the bag, but I think that'll be the dominant.
I think that'll become the dominant.
Like, I do think that'll eventually become the unifying thing for everybody.
We're Americans.
I mean, I hope so, but I don't see it happening.
I just think that it's
things are just so bad.
I mean, it's
crazy.
Both sides are just fucking lunatics.
They're all lunatics.
But the middle's getting sick of it, I think.
I don't know, dude.
I'm telling you, I have faith.
I have faith in Americans.
I do.
I don't know why.
But lately, it's been growing inside of me where I'm like, yeah,
Americans will turn this around.
Like, we turned everything around.
It's so hard, though, to think we'll ever get there because one side tells you,
you know, the sky is
orange or purple, and the other side tells you an apple is a banana.
And each side believes whatever
whatever their whatever you know is being told to them like you know they fucking don't question anything yeah it's just like i don't know how you fucking
get to a place where you know where it was when we were little you know i don't think anybody was at their each other's throats the way it is now no uh but i think it's i think it's coming i think there's going to be there's going to be a leader rises something there'll be something i feel
yeah i hope so yeah i hope you're right it could be you i could be you man with this fucking new
plugging fucking you know taking fixing pools your neighbor's pool that it starts somewhere well i mean i've always you don't have any skeletons right that like you could run for office um
you know no no i mean no skeletons that like people don't know about
i mean well you know what the skeletons you have though don't matter anymore you know maybe a little maybe a little nookie in a in an alleyway in key west that's not going to stop you somebody from being president anymore.
No, no, it's going to be a hell of a, yeah, you don't have those kind of skeletons.
You could get there.
Yeah, that I don't want to be.
I'm so likable.
I'm so liable.
No, I want to follow.
I want to follow this great leader.
You want to follow?
Okay.
Yeah, I'm a follower.
Not a leader, I don't think.
But
fuck, man.
You guys want to hear something?
I read this book and I'm trying to work my way through something.
You guys want to hear something weird?
I think you like this, Walt.
I think you like this a lot.
Let me tell you about underpants.
Okay, okay.
My undies.
The only underpants that should exist.
When you're cocooned in the softest and most breathable undies, loungewear and swimwear known to humanity, all your other problems will simply melt away.
You read that newspaper cue, you see all those fucking headlines.
Just read a newspaper.
I don't know.
Do people read newspapers anymore?
Not at all.
That's not true.
I still read the Staten Island Advance.
I still read it.
Do you?
You have a subscription?
It's the Sunday, yeah.
Oh, okay.
There you go.
Well, I was wrong.
I apologize to the newspaper industry.
There's one or two guys that are like, what'd he say?
And they're so expensive, too.
Newspapers, the ones that do it.
$5 for a newspaper.
I'm like, get the fuck out of here.
Let's say, let's see.
Personal endorsement.
Mary Beth says,
I guess this is just the way it is now.
Yeah.
We've got to reload.
I'm surprised it took you almost two years to figure that out.
Mama loves meundies.
I'm going to have to get her some cute springtime prints.
My undies are better than granny panties.
So I guess she's talking about her mom's underpants.
But hey.
You know what?
I got it for her.
My undies are better than granny underpants.
Oh, they definitely are.
Yeah.
That's a low bar to set for Miundis, but
better than granny panties.
That's along the lines of like, they're okay, I guess.
I would go back to the PR team and be like, we got to come up with something more snappier than that.
Yeah, like, okay, we all know that granny panties are a big no-no.
So let's just put that to the side.
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All right, Q.
What were you reading, Q?
So it's this book on, and, and
it's such a complex idea that I'm not going to be able to, like, there's going to be people out there who are going to be like, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
And they're absolutely right.
Because I've also only read like three chapters of this book, but it's already like blowing my mind in a way that I was like, I can't wait to talk about Walt, to Walt about this.
Because it's about time.
The book's about the concept of time.
I'm intrigued already.
I knew you would be, dude.
And it's like,
I was reading, like, so far what I've read of the book, I've had to put it down and just be like, I can't even fucking wrap my head around what's going on.
And the concepts of it are crazy, but like,
like, you've heard that,
you know, time,
the point of all, the point of the book, just give me a second to work through this because it's really complex.
The point of the book is, like, there's really no such thing as time.
It's like all, like, time doesn't violate a single
natural law of physics.
Like, there's nothing to prove that time exists except for heat.
Heat is the only thing that can't go in reverse.
Everything else can go in reverse is what this book is saying.
And then they take the, he goes to show on how time is meaningless in this way where it's like, you know that?
I don't know if you guys know this.
I've heard this in my life, but you know how like speed affects time?
You've heard of that?
Like the faster you go, the slower time passes.
Okay.
Superman.
Right.
Okay.
But like that's a problem with space travel where if like a spaceship takes off and goes to speed of light, by the time they get where they're going, like a month will have passed on the starship, but like six years would have passed on Earth.
Like, there's all sorts of time that gets janky with speed.
But this book's also saying that time also gets janky with height.
Where if someone's standing on a mountain and someone's standing on the on in like the plains or a wheat field, the person at the top of the mountain ages faster than the person
at the at the
in the in the fields, right?
And these are generally accepted things that we've heard our entire lives.
But
this guy is like, well, if that's true, then what's going on?
Like, what's like, so that means that every point between the mountain,
the top of the mountain, and the, and the plane, because it's a gradual, it's not like a light switch just goes off and suddenly you're aging faster up here and down here.
It's a gradual thing.
So at each point from the top of the mountain to the planes
is a different speed of time.
So
when he's saying like,
so what's it measure?
Is it measurable?
Oh, it's measurable.
It's so tiny, it's not even measurable.
Well, no, you can measure it, but it is really tiny, but it's measurable.
So they're like, so he's like, all right, so like,
so what is his point is like, so what does time mean then?
He's like, if, if it's different from here,
if the top of the table that you're at is experiencing a different time flow than the bottom of, than the feet of the table,
what the fuck is time?
And then you add speed into it, and he's like, Okay, so now not only do you have something that is your head is technically aging faster than your feet, but also if you're going fast, then there's no such thing as time.
Like, if time could be warped in every direction, there's no such thing as time.
It's hard to explain, but you're just like, What the fuck?
You're doing a pretty good job.
I can understand it.
Yeah, they're like, I get it.
Everybody looks at time as just this flowing river, but it's actually like every single part of our existence is ruled by different
rivers.
Rivers of time.
Rivers of time.
And then if you add in speed, so it's like, so how are we, how do we simplify it to like time's just this river, something starts, it goes on, it ends.
But the reality of is like, the reality of it is it's so complex that we don't even fucking understand what's happening.
And we simplify it to this one fucking thing.
But his thing is just like, there's no way it's what we think it is.
And they're just now starting to get into this.
And you're like, well, what the fuck is going on?
If time doesn't exist, it definitely doesn't exist as we know it and understand it.
So then what does it actually exist as?
And you're just like, I don't know what the fuck's going on.
It's very, very complex issue.
Maybe the most complex issue brought to the table until I'm Steve Dave.
Yeah.
I'm glad I'm.
I would think that it's possible that one day some, like, one, somebody or one government will be able to weaponize time.
Yeah.
Sure.
That's unfortunate.
Well, I mean, it depends.
As long as it's America.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, I mean, so you're saying, like, if, like, let's say somebody
lived their life closer to the ground, like, even, like, even close, like, I just lived my life moving around my day-to-day things I was doing, but I just crawled on my belly.
Yeah.
Slightly
probably would be young slightly younger not even measurable maybe right but but my body would be a little bit just
a nanosecond maybe younger than the person who walked upright correct and if it's hardly worth it it's not worth it but it's like it's faster yeah but it's a it's a baby step right and so he's saying that like time is
time is all right so like what's he all right so he's saying like the sun and the earth right like affect each other right but what's between the sun and the earth?
Nothing but space and time.
So his point is like it's they're not affecting like what we think of as gravity, and again, this is where I'm sure I'm getting this wrong somehow.
What we think of as gravity is really time.
And oh, and like that's that's that's fucking just my head just exploded.
It's crazy.
He says, so when you drop something, when you drop a ball, it's not going, it's not headed down towards what we think of as gravity, It's headed towards slower time.
You're subscribing to this.
I mean, the guy's a fucking goddamn astrophysicist.
I don't know.
Like I said, I'm only.
But are we ready to fucking throw Newton under the bus?
Well, I don't think that his point is that Newton isn't wrong.
It's all a scientific journey through discovery.
So, so is it possible, like, if we dug down deep enough into underneath
the crust and were to live under the crust and not be, would that be good enough to
change the way we age?
I don't think so.
I doubt it.
I mean, not in any real way.
But I mean, it's just like, but he's just like, think about it.
He's like, how does the Earth...
Like, there's nothing in space.
So how is the Earth
just sitting there?
It's all these fucking concepts where you're like, man, all this shit seems so obvious, but it seems really...
Did you read this after spending time in that volcano that you guys bought each other
not at all i read it on the beach in the bahamas and i'm like this is like i can't get my head around that i i just can't get my head around it i'm i'm like i'm just yeah it's uh but who's the guy that wrote it uh
do you know his name yeah he should be protected because i think he's He could be opening up a can of worms that
he may want to, people may want to silence him.
Maybe.
who is the who is the solomon rushdie no i'm looking at him now but but his point is like this is all laid out in einstein's this is what einstein's theory of relativity is he's like his he's saying it's impossible to the concept of time goes out the window
all right this is a great way to put it he's like
we see via light right like light hits something reflects off and comes to our comes to our eyes and that's how we see that's how we evolved But even though it takes a split nanosecond for light to hit your skin and then come to my eyes to see what you're doing, you're already technically, even though it's measurable by nanoseconds, I'm looking at your past because you already did what I'm seeing the light showing me you did.
So it's like we're already living in different time frames, even though it's adjusted by nanoseconds.
It's like, he's like, that's where we're at.
Now you put that on a planetary scale.
He goes, and there's a fucking planet all the way on some other fucking four years away where it takes light four years to hit you.
It's like, the concept of time goes out the window.
Who's present is the present?
My present when I'm seeing the light hit my eyes, or your present when the light's hitting your skin and going to my eyes.
There's no fucking things.
There's no such thing as the present.
It's like, it's, it's like, I can't fucking take it.
My mind's unraveling.
Q's having an episode right now.
Yeah, yeah, I can't take it.
We're going to stop down for a minute.
But you see what I mean?
Somebody call 911 and Staten Island.
You can't figure out time.
Mr.
Quinn, you're going to come with us for a little bit.
What do you mean?
We have a nice, comfortable room.
It's a safe place.
When do you live?
Where are you from?
When are you from?
There's no clocks on the wall in the room we're going to take you to, Mr.
Quinn.
Clocks don't matter.
That's my point.
So you agree with me.
Yeah,
he's like, before clocks existed, he's like, what the fuck did everybody do?
They were just like, oh, the sun's up.
It's the highest point.
It's midday.
But midday in fucking Europe is different from midday in fucking California.
So which one's the real midday?
That's how crazy time is.
It's out of control, Walt.
Anyway,
this guy's name is Carlo Rovelli, and the book's called The Order of Time.
And it's.
It's crazy to read it.
How many chapters in?
Only three.
So I don't know.
So, how many chapters in total?
It's not a thick book.
It's kind of like it's a short book, but I don't know, maybe 12 or 13 chapters.
But like, it's not, it's not a page turner.
You can't, you have to,
yeah, you got to sit with some of these ideas.
And I'm not as smart enough to really grasp them
as well as I should, which is why I'm babbling.
But I, I, so the book's called The Order of Time, um, and the guy's name is Carlo Rovelli, R-O-V-E-L-L-I.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did I just have like that felt like deja vu?
Didn't he say that already?
Or am I just really, am I getting fucked up?
Did you say that twice or no?
I think I said it.
Okay, okay.
You're fucking me up now.
Now you got me like all weirded out.
Yeah.
He said the name of the book twice and the author, right?
Okay.
All right.
I just wanted to make sure because RSI was having a really fucking weird episode, too.
The same room as he,
it, yeah, it's fucking crazy.
I mean, the point of the, like, the, the, the thesis, one of the thesis statements of the book is like, why do you remember the past and not the future?
And it's so obvious to say because the future hasn't happened yet, but
it looks like these rules are breaking down.
I don't know, man.
But are they?
Yeah, I don't know.
Brian looks skeptical.
I'm trying to figure it out.
I just imagine it must drive him crazy on New Year's Eve when it's like, it's New Year's in Tokyo.
It's New Year's in Australia.
Yeah, I didn't think time zones were that fucking like no, no, well, time zones are just no, time zones are separate from what he's saying.
Time zones are like
the planet, if the planet is going to measure time by the sun,
that's why everybody's time is different because the sun, the planet is chasing the sun at different times.
100%.
He was just using that as like the middle age.
He wasn't, that's not part of his.
I shouldn't.
If we get him on TSDQ, you got enough puck and pole to get him on.
I think he's Italian
or Spanish.
Oh, he doesn't speak.
He must speak English.
Probably.
We could try.
It's the language of science, for God's sake.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
I'll see if I can get him to explain it.
Do you have anybody that can reach out to him?
Not you, but on your behalf and be like, please just give us a half hour of
your time.
That doesn't matter or doesn't exist.
I've reached out to authors of books I've read and they've gotten back to me.
So I'll try with him.
How awesome would it be to get like have him explain it to us?
Three fucking dopes.
Oh, he's Italian.
Great.
Did he say that already, too?
I said he's Italian or Spanish.
Are you fucking with us?
No, no.
I said he's Italian or Spanish or something.
I didn't know which one.
Oh, okay.
He's Italian.
He's one of my brethren.
All right.
Wow.
Do you recommend him finishing this book?
It looks like it's really fucking with him, though.
Yeah, it could cause problems in life.
It could cause brain damage.
It sounds like
he's getting squirrely.
His brain is bleeding.
I can fucking hear it.
Say, I'm four years away from Earth.
And you're two years in the other direction.
There's lights.
The lights hit my eye.
There's hit in this eye.
And then it's off the skin.
And we're like, what time is it?
There is no time, no.
Oh, snap.
It could be the nineties all over over again, Walt.
That's what I'm getting at.
We could go back to Key West.
This is you somehow trying to find some way to go back into the 90s.
Put his edge back.
I just want to live in 99 forever.
It was the best.
It was the best.
Y2K changed everything.
This guy probably is going to blow up now because of this episode, though.
Yeah.
What is his name again?
Ronaldo.
No.
Carlo
Rovelli.
And I'm seeing that the, I mean, people.
Galileo.
He's another Italian.
These Italians are very foggy.
They're scientists.
They're very smart, man.
Yeah, they're very smart.
I love the Italians.
Oh, the audiobook is read by Doctor Strange.
So this is already out there.
Cumber Smatch?
Cumberbatch.
Cumber Snatch.
That's the triple X version.
But the dick Cumber Snatch.
Did you see Doctor Strange?
I did see Doctor Strange.
Did you see it?
I didn't see it yet, but just
give me your thumbs up, thumbs down.
A thumbs up.
Thumbs up.
Thumbs up.
Good to hear.
Everybody that I've talked to that's seen it has given thumbs up.
Yeah,
it's not as, without ruining anything.
Well, it's Sam Raimi, so it's like there's a lot of Sam Raimi touches in it that I fucking adored because it's been a while, but
it's not as weird as it should be.
It could have been way weirder for a multiverse movie, but it's solid.
It's solid.
It's fun to watch.
So, yeah, you'll like it.
You'll like it.
I can't wait to see it.
Yeah, I'm hoping to see it next weekend.
And it kind of retro, because I didn't really like WandaVision that much.
I disagreed with a lot of that happened on the show, but it turns out that my views on the show were accurate.
It's pretty cool.
Like, it actually made me
retroactively rejudge WandaVision.
Oh, well, that's impressive.
You know, that's going deep than
altering perceptions of past content.
Yeah, because my whole problem with WandaVision is like, I'm like, why is everybody blowing this woman?
She's a bad guy.
She's a villain.
And this movie.
I could not understand why so many people are like, yay, WandaVision.
She's so cool.
And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
And I remember being like, well, sword, the sword agent, that's the bad guy of WandaVision.
I remember being like, but he's the good guy.
I don't know why everybody's fucking
because he's a fucking white male dude.
He's the bad guy.
Like, he's right.
I go, he's fucking right.
And I caught shit for that.
And then this movie kind of is like, eh, maybe Q is right a little bit.
You are on the right side of history, Q.
For once.
Not since 99 have I been on the right side of history.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Yeah, I liked it.
I liked it.
Yeah.
A lot of cool cameos?
Some cool cameos, not as many cool cameos as you want.
That's what I'm saying.
They could have made it a lot weirder and bigger.
But the cameos that they have are pretty cool.
Yeah, I was like, there was some rumors that Luf Rigno as the Hulk was going to pop up, and I was like,
there is nothing more that I want to see in the Marvel universe than Luf Rigno bouncing around as the Hulk, but it didn't happen, I heard.
No, that's what I'm saying.
They didn't embrace the multiverse, multiverse aspect of it.
I thought we were going to see Deadpool.
I thought we were going to see like the I thought we were going to see all this shit.
And it's a fairly linear story.
But still good, but I still enjoyed it.
What's up next?
Got an ad?
I got an ad and then a special guest cue that
I haven't alerted you about.
Oh, this is exciting.
But first, let's talk about Raycon.
Moms are one of the few people in our lives who still leave voicemails on our phones or called to just say hi.
I don't find that to be the case.
No.
Thank you.
Yeah.
She texts me a lot with lots of emojis and shit.
My mom has a habit of calling, and I'm always happy for my mom to see, to see, but my mom has a habit of calling at like nine o'clock at night.
Oh, yeah.
And I'm always like,
it's nine o'clock at night, mom.
But you can't say that because it's your mother.
You know?
Yeah, it's true.
Or you could just like not pick up.
Yeah.
Say fucker.
I would never do that to my mom.
You got to pick up.
But let's say you've been breaking into that volcano a little bit.
And then like, you know, then you're trying to talk to your mom.
I don't, you know.
That's tough sometimes, yeah.
Yeah.
Because then it seems really long.
Like the conversation seems much longer.
That's because
time has no meaning.
That's what I'm saying.
There you go.
You're right.
That's proven by volcano, like Walt said.
I just don't want to see a report on the news that Impractical Joker found Wandering Nude screaming about there is no time on the street.
Volcano under his arm.
It's a time quake.
That's why I think maybe you should
burn that book immediately.
I got to read this book, man.
That's heresy.
No way.
But I mean, that doesn't blow you away, Walt.
Oh, it does.
Time is that fickle with you.
Like, it's that's very fickle.
Yeah.
Just like a lady.
Just like a mother.
Doing the ad.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
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Wait, make that next mom call extra special.
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You know what they're saying there?
If your mom's old and feeble and doesn't know how to work technology,
use it for her.
They're going to be easy for her.
Let's see if they say that on Father's Day, though.
Oh, wait a minute.
This is an ad, right?
I also don't know what you're angry about.
I'm wondering if they would say that if they're saying it about moms, because they're like, you know, will they say that about fathers, though, that they're too,
because dudes usually have more of a perception that they're better with tech than women.
True.
It's just truth.
I mean,
I don't subscribe to it, but I think.
I'm not going to live that close to the edge.
They come in a bunch of fun color options so you can find mom a color that suits her personality and style with optimized gel tips for the perfect in-ear fit.
These earbuds are so comfortable, they will not budge.
So she won't have a hard time getting used to them.
And then it says, feel free to joke about how moms can be when they're not used to something new.
Thank you.
for the permission to joke about that if that's what we want to do.
Anyway, for the mom on on the go, Raycons offer eight hours of playtime and a 32-hour battery life with the compact portable charging case.
And they're priced just right.
You get quality audio at half the price of other premium audio brands.
And Raycon's Everyday Earbuds have over 49,000 five-star reviews.
Perfectly fitting for a five-star mom.
So if your mom's anything less than five-stars, I don't know, get her something else, some other crappy brand.
But if you believe she's five-star, then get her some Raycons.
My mom does not use Raycons.
My mom does not use anything like that.
She just uses speakers.
Really?
Yeah, but maybe for the sake of Edgar, I could get her some of these Raycons.
And I think that he won't have to listen to Josh Groban all the time.
She's still doing it.
Yep.
She's still hardcore.
11 years in.
It's still her go-to.
There's nothing else.
The fire hasn't fucking been extinguished.
It hasn't died.
No.
Like, you know what, though?
I mean,
she bettered me because when I started the podcast, she was as hardcore into Groban as I was to the devils.
Right.
She beat me.
She bested me.
I grew out of love with the devils, you know, and I don't follow it
in any way, shape, or form like I used to.
Your mom's better to me.
I never thought I'd say that.
I never thought I'd hear it.
And what a weird situation for
to come to the realization.
She's more passionate than I am.
Yeah, she is.
Or more obsessive.
You're telling me there's no other artist that gets in that fucking playlist?
Like when on the shuffle, there's no other artist still.
Not that I'm aware of.
Wow.
That's mental, though.
Also,
I also think that's a good idea.
You shouldn't feel bad.
That's mental illness out there.
She haven't found one other artist to listen to in 11 years.
It goes from complimentary to like, she's got something wrong.
She should be institutionalized.
Very cute below in a rubber room.
So tell mom how much you love her and make sure she hears a crystal clear audio quality with Raycon.
Go to buyraycon.com slash T-E-S-D to get 15% off your Mother's Day order.
That's buyraycon.com slash T-E-S-D.
Okay, Q.
Yeah.
No, we got a special guest here.
Yeah.
I don't know if you probably can't see him, though, right?
Not really.
Just move over a little bit.
Is that camera wide enough?
I can see him enough.
Okay.
Hey, bud.
You recognize him?
No.
Put the pressure on it.
How did you not know?
That's all I was trying to do.
But our guest blew the joke immediately.
Our guest fucked up.
So, what's your name?
Jimmy.
We got Jimmy.
Jimmy?
What's up, you?
And he made...
One of the most unusual purchases
one might make at the TSD Town General Store.
Oh, what do you buy?
What would you say are the top things, Walt, that were like, that's never going to go?
Oh, God, what he bought, what he bought, and what he bought.
Right.
Wow.
I mean, the only weird things I can think of is the Lego and the hair.
Well,
one of those is the correct answer.
He's not a Lego fan.
He didn't buy the hair.
Why?
What you bought.
Go ahead.
Explain it to the man whose hair you now own.
Well, it's not the first lock of hair I've bought, actually.
Wait, wait.
Wasn't Giddam charging like $2,000 for that?
He didn't charge that to him.
You got a better deal than that, right?
No.
I thought about haggling, you know, pulling a wall.
No, you did not pay spend.
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I did.
Oh, dude.
No, we can't.
Come on.
Get him already, got him.
No, we can't do that.
How are we going to let this man pay that money for the hair?
What do you do for a living?
It's America.
Yeah, it's a politics and social media.
Fucking way.
We can't do that.
That was priced so nobody would buy it.
That can't.
Oh, no.
Oh, oh, no.
What do you do for a living, Jimmy?
I work for the Postal Service.
Oh, my God.
Oh, all right.
I'm fine.
Can you get me
some tips and pointers off Mike about how to deal with the postal
stories?
Because
we got a lot of Susans.
Yeah, yeah, you do.
Oh, man.
You're still dealing with Susans?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
How do you not happy with this queue, huh?
Well, I just feel.
Yeah, I mean, I just.
Yeah, no, because, like,
I don't feel comfortable taking this man's money.
But wait a second.
Well, no, no, no.
Get him got got the money.
It's not our money.
No, I know.
It was for Gethem for his house fund.
But, like,
how was Giddam able to part with it?
I figured he priced it that high so he wouldn't have to part with it.
Did he you called this bluff?
Yeah, he called this bluff.
It was a horrible misplay, if you want to call it a horrible misplay, getting $2,000 or whatever.
He's like, I'm feeling bad about my purchase over here.
I'm honestly shocked nobody bought it sooner.
Every time I come in, I'd see it and I'd say, one of these days I'm going to go to.
Are you a collector like Q of the
odd and the curious?
A little bit.
I am.
Really?
Q, you know Insane Clown Posse.
I'm a judge of college.
Of course.
I have a lock of Shaggy Tutope's hair, actually.
So your hair is going with his.
So this is a hair collector, Q.
Does that make you feel a little bit better?
It's only the second lock I've bought.
It'll probably be the last lock of hair I bought.
Collect celebrity hair.
Look, I have a cousin of mine that has a lock of Elvis' hair.
I know there's
precedence for this sort of thing, but
it's hard for me to value my own hair at two grand.
Now, I don't know if you've noticed, but Q is clean-shaven now, and he has saved the whisker hair, if you're interested.
Really?
Sweet discount.
How much you looking forward to that?
It's in a sandwich bag as we speak.
Someone is driving it down.
He had his assistant, he texted her, and she is now on the way with his whisker hair.
I'll sell you pubic hair for $500.
Okay, all right, listen.
Wow.
Okay, so you bought that today, Jimmy?
Yeah, about an hour ago.
Wow.
And have you had any feelings of remorse?
No,
I'm quite thrilled with it, actually.
What are your plans for the hair?
Yes, I was going to say, ask the same exact thing.
What are your plans for the display?
I'm going to display it.
I might get a case for it.
The two-dollar
block has a case.
So I'm figuring, I mean, this came in a very nice case.
It does.
The cute signed.
Now, I I heard that Gidem also threw in the t-shirts.
He doesn't know I heard this, but I heard that that motherfucker is definitely paying for those fucking shirts out of that money.
He did.
Wow.
He's trying to throw me in a free book, too.
What book?
He does.
I told him I'd pay.
I told him I'd pay.
Yes.
But no, you don't have to pay.
But he will certainly be paying as I dock him from his paycheck.
Yeah, give me a tally of what he gave you for free because that shit ain't free for him.
He's giving away the fucking.
What makes you
what is it about hair?
Because I understand, like, you know, like you like guitarists like you would collect a guitar pick or like you maybe collect t-shirts.
What is it with you with you
fellows of a certain way that you don't want like Farr Fawcett's hair?
Or you don't want Jacqueline Smith?
Or you don't want Bo Garrick.
All these dead people.
No, all these hot chicks.
Like, why do you want guitarists and rappers and impressive jokers?
Like, why, yeah, why, why don't you want something, like I said, like some luscious, bodacious hair in that collection?
Or are you still, it's hard, it's hard to find that caliber of hair?
I never really sought out to collect hair.
I just kind of.
You're the hair guy, bro.
I guess I am.
I kind of fell into it.
jimmy the hair guy you should you better
get that uh buy that domain get that on twitter
the hair guy
but jimmy don't you feel like people are you're gonna allow people into your home and you're gonna be like yeah this is cute from a practical joker's hair and they're gonna be you don't think they're gonna be like who
no no no not no i i have i have a bunch of q shit hanging around not you know i mean i don't want to look
yeah no not not like you know, personal shit of yours, but like, you know, your action figures.
And I have the chicken bone bandit tattoo that you made Matt Reigns get.
You have that tattoo?
I do, yeah.
Matt Reigns saw it, actually.
So are you?
Oh, he told me about you.
Matt told me about you.
He said he's.
Hey, really?
Yeah.
Oh, you're the guy.
All right.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm a bit of a super fan.
I mean, where are you from?
Originally Worcester, Massachusetts.
Now I'm in Philly.
Okay.
What are you in town for?
The stash batch.
Oh, okay.
Gotcha.
But whenever I'm in town, I got to come see you guys.
Wow.
And what do you do for the postal office?
I'm a custodian.
But I got like 10 years in.
No, that's a great job.
My brother did that for a few years.
You got to be fucking.
We didn't give your last name, right?
No.
Okay.
Because I was going to make a joke.
You got to be taking fucking welfare checks
as they come in for other people's.
Social Security.
You're just taking them as they come in.
You need more hair.
How else am I going to pay for it?
Jimmy, are you married or you have a girlfriend?
No.
Okay.
No.
How old are you?
33.
When was your last girlfriend?
I get around.
Okay, great.
All right, good, good.
All right.
Or boyfriend, I don't want to.
No, no.
No.
Well, you think the.
When you find out that he's the hair guy,
does that change things of your perspective?
No, I don't think so.
Like I said, I wouldn't think so either.
I wouldn't think so.
I'm just trying to get to know the man.
That's all.
Okay.
I think people will be impressed.
I would definitely think so.
That like your first date, like you go out to dinner, it's like, someone you went to, and you're like, hair.
Well, you don't
lead like that, though.
We don't have to lead like that weird.
Like, you're not get them weird.
You're like, what are your hobbies?
You know, and you're like, oh, I collect celebrity hair.
So far, Shaggy, too, dope, and cue from a practical joker.
I think it'll end there, I hope.
You know what?
Maybe Bri will take some snippets before you leave today.
A little beard snippets.
That's fine.
Sure.
Throw it in there.
I think,
I mean, maybe we should
give him the haunted house as well.
I don't know.
I just feel like.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe we should give him.
Yes, let's give him that.
Yeah.
Okay.
How about that, pal?
I mean, you don't have to do anything more than you guys already have.
Definitely, man.
No, you definitely deserve more than some hair.
That's amazing.
Yeah, I think.
It's life-changing money.
It is.
It is.
It definitely is.
Do you want the haunted house or is that?
You don't have the room?
Yeah, no.
I mean, I don't have the room for much of anything because I collect so much bullshit.
What else do you collect?
Action figures, posters, t-shirts, fucking everything.
Masks, fucking...
Wow.
I'm a bit of a collector, yeah.
All right.
It will make me feel better if you take the Lego house as well.
And that, I built that.
Every single brick I built, that was on me.
Yeah.
I'll halfway take that.
I have the box for it somewhere, I think, here.
So what I'll do is we'll get your address.
Take the haunted house with you today.
I'll get your address.
I'll sign the box and write something on the box and we'll ship it down to you.
Because
I can't live with the fact that you paid $2,000 for my hair.
I can't live with it.
But does it help, though, that he's got the tattoo and he's got
St.
Clown posse?
That helps
feel a little bit like, okay, this is a legitimate collector.
This isn't somebody who did it on a
is going to regret it tomorrow and like with a gun in his mouth being like, what the hell?
No.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Is this the most unusual piece in your collection?
The hair?
It may be.
It may be.
Anything on that level of strange
or unusual?
Unusual?
One of a kind kind of things?
Like somebody's gallstone or something weird.
No, nothing like that.
I have like the hat that Ernie Hudson wore on Comic Book Men.
Wow.
Yeah, I have that.
How'd you get that?
Did we sell that on Eva?
You must have because I got it from a fellow aunt.
Okay.
Wow.
That's weird, though.
I thought production would have kept that.
I don't remember how.
I think maybe they gave them away.
I don't remember how, but yeah.
Those got out into the wild.
Woof.
Wow.
Jimmy, I get it.
I get it.
I've spent a lot of money on collectibles over the years.
It's just odd to find yourself, a physical part of your body, be that collector item.
You know what I mean?
That's got to give you a little bit of a boost, a little bit of a like you walk on air for like a half hour after this podcast's over, right?
A little bit.
Come on, man.
I don't think so.
Enjoy it.
It's cool.
Moments after, he'll be cleaning out his gutters again.
Yeah, I'll be outside.
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
I don't know that I feel that way.
He's cleaning out gutters looking for hair that could pass off as his own
Squirrel hair-ish.
His tail looks like it could have been part of my beard.
Stopping, no.
What are you doing up here?
I feel better with him taking the
because that's also hard to get.
That's a hard-to-get Lego set now.
So that's good, too.
So that I feel a little bit better on.
Nice.
Fucking get it.
I appreciate it, man.
Yeah, no.
Thank you, Jim.
I mean, I appreciate your.
You appear on TSD.
Do you listen to TSD?
regularly, yeah.
Okay, this is a little bit nerve-wracking for me.
Is it?
Oh, yeah.
You're doing great.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, wish.
That could have been better.
It couldn't have been better.
Absolutely.
Yeah, you really killed the Jimmy the hair guy.
I mean, this is it.
This is, I mean, do you guys want to give him some of your hair?
Is there any
I don't have enough to give away Q.
It's it's every day it's thin, and I'm not.
And you know what?
I mean, I've seen what he's willing to pay.
I'm just not going to give him hair for free.
Yeah.
You could have
like 24, 25 bucks.
Like a single strand for him to mix in with mine.
You guys don't want to do that?
A piece of Brian's beard?
Yeah, let's say on Mike we will do that.
Who knows if he really even wants it, though?
That's like, you know,
you're on TV 24-7.
You're a big deal.
I mean, he doesn't want to, he may not want to taint.
His, your hair by putting our hair in there.
Those are two major stars, Shaggy, too dope and BQ.
Right.
Yes.
I think you guys are devaluing yourselves.
This is telling Steve Dave, he's at your studio right now, man.
He's not a shaggy, too dope studio.
True, true, but yeah, I mean, I want that's awkward.
That's like when somebody asks, like, hey, do you want me to get in that picture?
When Mike would do that, that stash, you know, and that that's that's like you need to make you put somebody on.
Oh, yeah, sure, you can get in there, but maybe they really didn't want him in there.
What do you mean, maybe?
Socks is back.
Okay.
I know my dog has been shedding.
Would you be interested in maybe a podcaster, a C-list podcaster's dog's hair?
I might draw a line on that one.
Is your collection that extensive?
You might have some
all over your pants.
I saw your petting her today, so you may have gotten...
That's on the house.
Thanks, Maul.
Oh, man.
So, all right.
So you paid $1,000 for the Lego and $1,000 for the hair.
Let's look at it that way.
Yeah.
That's more digestible, right?
That's a little more digestible to me.
It got to be on TSD.
Yeah.
It's been a long time since we had a listener on.
I can't remember this time.
This is true.
Yeah.
You know what, dude?
You owe us $1,000.
Since you're close and you have a nickname, you could become the next Frank Five.
You could get your own show on Patreon.
We'll hook up by email.
We'll figure it out something.
Jimmy the Hair guy is going to have a life after this.
He's not just going to last this one episode and be forgotten.
No.
Jimmy the Hair Guy is going to have.
We'll talk about celebrity hair.
He has tons of collectibles.
Hair content, you know, just maybe a one-shot.
Carrot.
Carrot top.
Jimmy the Hair guy.
I love it.
Right?
I mean, Frank Five started from humble beginnings.
Look where he,
how, how huge he became.
Yeah, you're right.
Look at Gibbon.
Multiple shows on the Patreon.
You can't get rid of Frank Five anymore.
Yeah, you got it.
He might be the best $1,000 you how much did you spend?
Two grand.
It might be the best $1,000 you ever spent.
It might be.
I mean, Frank Five became one of your best friends.
So maybe Jimmy the Hair guy is your next guy.
He could be.
Q, real quick.
Frank Five drove down from where he lives to have lunch with Walt and turn around and drive right back home.
Is that a sign of psychosis or what?
That's an eight-hour drive.
Isn't that an eight-hour drive?
I'm concerned about about it.
The rain
he came down yesterday, went to lunch, and hung out, watched a little Pluto TV, and then he was on his way back home.
Oh, he's deeply unhappy.
Or am I just that damn fucking impressionable and like fun to hang out with?
But can't he just zoom with you like this?
Can he just
not the same?
It's not the same.
He's got to be in the room.
He's got to experience the Flanagan, or else it ain't worth it.
It's not the same.
He said.
He's like, fuck it.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
Wow.
Wow.
Four hours and four hours.
Did he bring Mrs.
Five?
Did he bring Mrs.
Five?
No, it was just a boys' night, boys' afternoon out, not even a night.
I suspect that's what it was really about.
What's that?
Getting away from the wife for a little boy time.
It could be.
Everybody needs a little.
Oh, yeah.
It sounds a little weird when you say boy time, but
I'm the guy that goes to Q West with this guy for boy time.
I just meant the phrase boy time.
It sounds like we could be monitored by the authorities as we go out looking for boy time.
It's not the best phrase.
That's going to be the name of your new show, Jimmy.
Bullshit, Frank.
I know you didn't drive eight hours to go down and talk to some fifty-year-old dude.
You were looking for boys.
Yeah, it was boy time, wasn't it?
Q pops out.
No, there's no such thing.
You're on time, boy time or otherwise.
He's got
interrogated under a harsh light.
No one would believe for a minute that he would drive all the way down to hang out with a friend for eight hours.
You were trolling.
I know you were.
His wife has divorced him.
I'm with Marybeth like 99% of the time.
If that 1%, I was like, yeah, I'm going to go drive eight hours to have lunch with her.
She'd be like, you're lying.
You're fucking lying.
He wasn't lying.
Oh, man.
That sounds nice.
Yeah, it was.
It was fun.
We're going on a cruise together.
I said, hey, Jimmy, next year, we could be on a cruise together.
We absolutely could be on a cruise together.
Just me, you, and my family.
I would love that.
Let's do it.
I had to explain to my wife that, yeah, how did you meet Jimmy?
Well,
it's a long story.
Well, you remember how the last guy threw up on the cake and didn't tell anyone?
This guy's not as weird.
He just buys people's hair.
Do you know the insane clown posse?
Is that a gang in prison, my wife would say?
Woof.
Oh, all right.
Well, well, Jimmy, a pleasure to meet you.
Welcome to the
yeah.
Like I said, man, it could, this could be life-changing
road for you that you just got on.
Thank you, guys.
You're going to be coming up from Philadelphia to do a show.
Yep.
You have to
promise me, though, bud, before, listen, the condition of you taking that
Lego thing is you have to promise you cannot clone me.
I do not want to be cloned.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm not going to do that.
So 50 years from now, I don't want that hair going into some sort of fucking device that spits out like a little Q-clone.
I think you're good, man.
I'm not that spot.
I think the closest he's going to come is like fashioning himself like a little hair piece and then dancing around like Buffalo Bill.
Tell him, Steve, Dave.
