#515: PhDeez Nutz

Bunch of perverts here, bunch of perverts.

My own brother wants to see his father's hard cock.

I've never seen video of a silverback funky.

What is ferocious?

Tell him very badly.

Quick cowering to tell him.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition edition of Tell Hem Steve Dave.

Happy belated Easter.

We didn't say happy Easter before the last episode.

I don't even remember it was Easter until somebody said something about Easter on Easter, I think.

I was like, oh, shit.

Yeah, when Mary Beth was like, oh, we got to hide eggs.

That's when I recalled.

You had eggs on hand.

She had these plastic eggs.

These big plastic eggs that she put stuff into.

McDonald's gift certificates.

Nice.

That was the highest.

Unfortunately, that was one of the ones she opened the earliest.

Then the rest were like socks,

some Starburst.

That's Starburst ain't Ben.

I can go for it.

You do worse than Starburst.

Did you hear the report that

set the internet ablaze?

That there was a bunny, and there was a horrible mistake where he was handing out plastic eggs, and inside the plastic eggs were condoms to children.

No.

Yes.

Yeah, it happened.

I didn't see that.

Whose idea is it?

Like, hey, you know what we'll do?

Like, that's asking for trouble.

Yeah, I don't understand why, but

what good reason is there for a condom to go in the plastic egg?

You're not going to give it to adults that way.

Hands out to adults.

Yeah.

Like, I'm an adult.

I want to fuck.

I don't want to fucking go on an Easter egg.

Like, now I got to unpackage the condom.

I got to unpackage the condom inside the egg.

It's a whole thing.

Yeah, but it was quite the internet story, you know, that

made the rounds.

I have not been on the internet that much this past week.

I've made like a conscious effort

to read, to just not read read the news.

I read a couple things here and there, like some lady getting killed in Queens and then stuffed into a duffel bag.

I heard about that.

Yeah, I asked Troy if that was his case, and it looked like it was at first, but then

because of where the body was found or because of where they died, it became like a different district

or precinct, I guess you would say.

I guess they don't want the safe call,

the case solved if they don't want Troy on it.

I mean, they solved it, but.

All right, well, I guess they didn't need Troy.

Where was this?

Where did the egg?

This is one of those stories that I see the headlines for, and I think I got enough.

Like, I don't.

Just read the headline?

Yeah, I only

doesn't it seem that way with most stories?

Like, you read the headline, you're like, I got it.

Yeah.

And, you know, I think, again, it's possible it was done on purpose, like some sort of statement,

or it's also possible it was just complete and utter, like.

You have to teach kids about sex as soon as they're out of the womb.

A horrible mistake.

maybe.

It could have been both.

And I'm just not that interested enough

to do any further deep dive on it.

Yeah, your kids aren't young enough that you would even care anymore, right?

Like

you wouldn't have to explain what's last.

I mean, I don't know if some Easter money just was walking up

while we were away in

leaving Orchard.

Where did we go again?

Connecticut.

And all of a sudden, he started.

Actually, we did see an Easter Bunny walking around.

And if he was handing out eggs and there was a condom in them, I probably would have an issue with with that.

I probably would have attacked.

I mean, you know, mole rat style.

Oh, shit.

Snoochy Bucci's, baby.

There was, I saw down in Florida, there was an Easter bunny who got attacked.

And I mean, this guy was like, he's like called like the,

oh, what is he, the Miami Easter bunny or the something Easter bunny.

And he goes around all the time.

And I guess some dude

didn't like his shtick and they start fighting.

And there's, there's, that I did see footage of that online.

Them just beating up this fucking Easter Bunny for whatever reason.

There was something that we revealed that I didn't realize that the listeners didn't know, but you probably don't know this, though.

But you're looking at a guy who was an Easter Bunny for multiple seasons.

I would don an Easter Bunny costume.

That's right, I forgot that for you.

For years.

Where?

When I used to work at the community center in the early 90s.

Somebody reminded you of that?

Yeah, when we were on the Tim Hill get record

available only on Patreon.

And we brought up the fact that, yeah, it was the Easter bunny.

You would wave and.

Oh, my, everything.

Yeah?

Little hops.

I would act like a bunny.

I wouldn't talk.

The kids came to the wreck, too, to see him.

It was a thing.

I would say it was probably about as big as Santa Claus to Arlene kids.

I thank you for that.

That's kind of you for saying that.

I was as big a draw as Santa Claus, but we both know that's bullshit.

But they would have candy bingo.

Yeah.

And my job would be to prance around and kind of dance as the balls were being called and

candy over to the kids.

They would pet me.

Oh, to have a DeLorean right now.

Go back in time and watch this farce go down.

It's great.

What I loved about it was I was told not to talk because it would really shatter.

And plus, they thought I would also, my voice would be recognizable to the kids.

Okay.

So I was told not to talk, which was awesome then.

So they would ask me questions and I could either shake my head yes or no.

But I never broke character.

I never spoke.

Wow.

And one of the weird things was it was like one of those college mascot costumes, like it felt like, where you put the giant head on.

Yes.

Yeah.

So the head didn't fit all that well.

It was too big.

So I constantly had to be able to see.

I was constantly putting both hands on my head, both sides of my head, and doing it like this.

So every picture that someone took me of a parent with a kid, it looked like I had a massive headache because I was constantly rearranging my head.

Oh, yeah.

But

I had to dance.

Wow.

You sound like you missed this.

He's telling me I'm overselling him.

Yeah.

And I remember it was a white bunny costume with a little blue vest.

That was the only clothes I wore, though.

Wow.

Even underneath.

Yeah, but nobody wanted to do it.

I remember, like, even like our old boss, Tim Hill, I remember him even saying, like, he kind of threw it out there as, like, I'm sure you don't want to beat Easter Bunny.

And I was like, fuck yeah, you want to beat Easter Bunny?

I'll do it.

I go, I get paid to just not have to talk to them now.

Yeah.

You can just walk around and like, you know, just pretend I'm a rabbit and get paid for it.

Yeah, that's the fact.

I dress like the Easter Bunny every day.

Yeah, but I was an Easter Bunny for at least four years.

Wow, dude, that's experience.

That's not like a fly-by-night.

That's a resume.

Yeah,

I can go to a shopping center right now

around spring every year and probably get my old job back.

Yeah, from 89 to 93.

You may have heard tales sold.

So, Mr.

Flying, from the years 94 through 2022.

This very moment.

What made you not put on the Easter Bunny costume?

You have no reason.

You're like, Springsteen don't put out an album every year.

Would Deb question your sanity if you wanted to get back into it?

Oh, yeah.

I think that would be a very strange

obsession if I was like, I'm going to put the ears back on.

I'm going to put the bushy tail back on.

How was Mystic?

Yes, right.

How was it?

Cold,

gloomy,

fucking way overcrowded.

There was

an aquarium that was right across the street from our hotel.

And since we were with

my brother-in-law's family, he has a little kid that we, so we went into the aquarium.

And it was probably oversold by about four times the amount of

people that should have been in that aquarium at any point.

So there was like, there were so many people that, like, if you're looking at a if you're looking at a fish in one of the tanks, and like, if I turned around, there was like somebody like right there

trying to like breathing on my back.

Oh, it's a super spreader.

Oh, yeah.

I even said that.

I was like, you know, this is definitely a super spreader event.

Nobody wearing masks or some people?

You know, I didn't see really anybody wearing masks.

Yeah.

But I was surprised that they didn't, you know, make people wear masks considering how many people were in there.

And then part of the aquarium is outside, so you had to go outside and watch a show with some sea lions.

It's cold.

It was cold.

Yeah.

So it wasn't a great

trip in terms of like, you know, it wasn't, it didn't feel like spring at all.

It felt like middle of the winter.

It was glue, like, it was gray.

Gloomy and everything was fucking three times the price of what it was probably the previous year.

It was nuts.

It's like you wanted a can of Coke.

It was $4.

Oh, my God.

Insanity.

Yeah, so it was,

it wasn't that great.

But

if you want to talk overpriced, I took Sage to

the American Dream Mall.

I've been there.

Have you been there?

I figured you had because you're a connoisseur of malls.

Now, did you go just to look around?

Did you go to any of the, I mean, they have like ice skating rinks.

It's like a mall of America type thing.

Right.

There's tons of shit.

I did the ice skating rink with my kid.

Yep.

I did the Force Perspective Art Museum.

That I didn't see.

Yeah, I did the mini golf with the Angry Birds.

Angry Bird Golf I saw.

Yeah.

We went to, well, she wanted to go to the water park.

Yeah, we didn't do that.

Yeah.

I don't like water parks.

No, they're

cesspool.

They smell

trick-ish.

You want to talk about people nobody wearing masks.

It's hard to wear a mask.

Hard because it's going to be so cool.

They should be wearing snorkel masks or something.

I don't know.

Anything.

But

it was a testament to how out of shape I am.

Well, we went, like, the first ride Sage wants to go on is this 147-foot free fall thing where it's like, it looks dangerous.

It's just like it's straight down and then it curves a little and you know, you have to lie there or like stand there and you put your hands over your chest and you're, I think you cross your feet.

I'm not sure.

Uh, but then the bottom just drops out, and it's a 147-foot fall.

No,

I went bungee jumping, and it was 150 feet, and that seemed really far to me.

So, I don't, I don't think she knew what she was getting herself into.

Oh, man.

But, like, she and Mary Beth did that.

That's what Scott does for.

Yeah, right.

I'm embarrassed to say that I was like, I'm not doing that.

And I walked back down

all the stairs.

Did Mary Beth do it?

Mary Beth did it.

Yeah.

I was just like, I don't want to do that.

I don't like thrill rides.

No.

No, there's no shame in that.

Is there?

Is there shame in that, Q?

No, no, no, not anymore.

Not anymore.

Not for the past few minutes.

Not in 2022.

No.

I don't like it.

We're talking the 90s.

We might have a different conversation on our end, but luckily we didn't have microphones back then.

But like roller coasters, all that kind of stuff.

I'm just not a fan of it.

Yeah.

And they had this giant wave pool

that's the biggest indoor wave pool in America.

Everything, like when Mary Beth was reading it off, it's like, it's the biggest this.

It's the biggest that.

You should be proud of that shit.

It's in Jersey.

I guess I should, yeah.

Like, I was like,

you see that change in the facial record?

Oh, yeah.

Fucking Jersey.

Jersey, Jersey.

Finally, Jersey's got something to hang their hat on.

A failing mall.

Like, I watched this video on YouTube about about it.

They're like, I think they have 50 million in the bank and like fucking 30 million in debt or something crazy.

Wasn't there just a shooting there recently, too?

Yeah, there was a shooting in the parking lot not too long ago.

The American Dream indeed.

Yeah.

She loved it, though.

Yeah.

She loved it.

Is there something to be said for the irony of calling that place the American Dream?

Yeah.

The first time I heard it, so I remember I was driving near Newark Airport and and I saw a sign that said American Dream, get off here.

And I was like, oh, that sounds nice.

And then I found out it was a mall.

I was like, that's the American fucking dream.

Like, why?

Maybe they're right.

I don't know.

It was

going back to the expense.

It was $109 a person.

And I was like, oh, shit.

That's like Disney prices.

That's what I looked up.

I was like, well, it was like, let me check this out against a one-day price in Disney.

And Disney's $109 to $159, depending on

so these tickets were $109, and then if you want like the fast pass, like to skip the lines, it's an extra $40 or so.

It's probably worth it.

You're paying already $109, you might as well skip those lines.

Here's where Sage's disability kicks in, though.

Somebody was like, God, I ain't no fool.

I can't load over on dot dog.

Not when it comes to dollars and cents.

I was like, $120 or exploit this.

Get over here, Sage.

So how does that work, though, though?

How do you finagle that?

You're just like...

You just go, you can go up to the

customer service desk or whatever, the customer relations desk, and you're like, hey, I have a special needs kid.

Do you have to prove it with some sort of test or something?

I don't think so.

I mean, you could take a look.

Pretty much know.

I'm like, oh, you brought her up there or you just bought her up online.

Oh, no, no, no.

I got to bring her up.

I thought you brought the tickets.

online.

You put that front and center.

Because I would be like, I think everybody would do that if you're buying them online.

No, we do.

We bought the tickets online, but then once you get there,

you can go to customer service and be like, come on, man, please.

She suffered a novia.

You're going to say no.

You're the one who's going to say no.

But I was surprised.

Like, everybody was really well-behaved.

Like, for that many kids, they weren't wild and crazy and out of control and shit.

That's nice.

Yeah, so it was a decent day.

However, being out of shape, you know, like to go on these rides, like I'll go on a ride with like a like a boat, you know, like a boat that goes around or something.

It's not a ride.

Yeah, sure.

Do you think that counts as a ride?

It's like a roller coaster.

Oh, I thought you meant just like a flu lie, like a log flume.

Yeah.

I think you're not one of those, like, you know, like a paddle boat or something.

Yeah, paddle boating around.

Because they're like, oh, my God.

But my calves and my quads.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe it.

I could barely walk up the stairs.

I was like, this is a disgrace.

So you had to push it?

Is that why, like, you had to pump your legs to make the cart move?

No, I just had to walk up and downstairs.

That's why it's really bad.

Oh, yeah, that's a bit different.

Because I remember years ago when my kids were really little, at what's the one in Wildwood?

There was the, overhead,

there's these pedal carts.

And you have to pump the, you have to keep pumping your feet to make the carts move.

Right.

And they couldn't do it because they were so young.

So I had to do all the pumping.

And when I got from the, from where it was, where they released the cart to where it finished, I told my wife, I was like, you may have to call an ambulance, I said, because I can't feel my legs.

I said, I remember getting off the thing and being like, I can't feel my legs.

They were that like numb and just like dirty.

Like jelly.

And then, yeah, like jelly, like spaghetti.

And it took about a half hour for my legs to feel normal again.

It was, it was

fucking rough.

It was like,

I thought I was going to shit my pants like the fucking marathon rubber.

You know, you hit the wall.

Don't look at daddy.

It's like, Carls, Daddy's going to hit the wall.

Turn away.

Turn away.

Is that forever?

Like, can they ever forget that if that happens?

No.

That's defining.

It's not like a funny memory at like every family get-together.

Oh, it's eventually a funny funny memory, but you'll never find it funny.

Oh, you'd think that they would, my girls would not talk about it.

They would not, they wouldn't, it would be never mentioned again.

They're not like, why don't you go crap your pants like dad?

No, I think they would be like, that would be like the unspoken

they just want to forget.

Yeah, they can't.

But they want to forget it.

Yeah, like they want to, they want to rip their own retinas out of their fucking

eye sockets.

But it could happen, man.

I'm telling you, like, it was egregious of the fucking 14-year-old that was like, yeah, you can do this without any help.

Like, you needed two people to do it, but I was doing the job of two people.

Right.

And all the weight of a family.

Well, I know my wife wasn't on there.

So, again, okay, my girls were probably like, you know, 40 and 50 pounds.

And then me.

So that's not that much, but it was rough work.

Rough work.

Man's work.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Like,

yeah,

I remember just being like, holy shit.

Like, I'm still thinking you hit the wall.

Like, how do you, like, what if.

Just like you can't just keep pushing.

Like, you can't keep pedaling if you shit your pants, right?

You just

stuck there in the middle.

You got it.

You're rescued.

You got to get out of there.

Now you're a spectacle.

You can't.

You cannot continue to fuck pumping.

Start mashing it up.

Yeah, like with each pump, more and more comes out of your shirt.

You just got to start waving, like, take your shirt off and start waving it like you need help.

SOS, rescue me.

Shirts off.

Was it like a roller coaster?

It would go up and down.

No,

it looked like a roller coaster.

I'm sure it still exists.

I'm sure it's still standing in Wildwood, but it didn't have any dips or dives.

It was very

not fast at all.

So it wasn't very scary for kids, but it required that you propel it from the moment you're released from like when you're standing in line to the moment like you get to the other end of the of the tracks, which was pretty fucking far.

You have to do all the fucking work to get it there.

And I had no idea it would be that strenuous.

Tell me the girls at least liked it.

Were they at least?

Oh, they were like, oh my God, can we go faster?

It's getting dark.

We want to go here.

And I'm just like, I'm doing the best I can.

I thought we were going to get cotton candy.

It's going to close before you get there.

You're not good enough, Dad.

Be better.

Oof.

I had to learn to scuba dive this past week.

No.

I heard something about

it.

Yeah, for something we're shooting for Discovery.

Discovery channel.

You've never gone on.

Never, never.

And had to go to the YMCA.

I didn't even remember until you brought up the water park and the dirty water.

I had to go to the YMCA pool.

But the water, you know, it wasn't,

it was so chlorinated.

It didn't have a million people in it.

No, there wasn't, well, it was after hours.

Like, they, you know, they rented it out after, but it was so chlorinated, and I hadn't been in chlorinated water in so long.

But I got it.

I got the scuba gear.

I got all the tanks, and I learned how to do it.

Dr.

Frogman costume on?

Well, I didn't wear it, but they did send me a diving bell helmet.

Yeah.

The Scooby-Doo villain.

Yeah, they call it the Frogs.

A wetsuit.

A wetsuit.

The wetsuit.

I have a wetsuit now.

Yeah, mine's blue, but I have it.

Yeah.

A wetsuit.

I got my own scuba deer.

They sent over the whole thing.

I got the back and the regulator and the mask.

No, but I now know how to combat the bed.

Your intestines twist inside out.

No, and I found I did really well because a lot of the mask stuff is the same procedure as a fire.

Because the fire department mask is just a scuba thing, not on the water.

So many of the concepts I already had down and the emergency stuff that they try and teach you, we heard already done for if you run out of air in a fire.

It was very similar.

So, it was like kind of a thing.

So, it was like what should have been like five hours, I was able to do in three, pass all the tests.

And yeah, I'm certified.

I'm excited.

So, next week, I go to the Bahamas where I'm going to be shooting,

be swimming with some sharks.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and dolphins.

Now, how deep are you allowed to go?

I can go for what you're training so far.

I can go up to 60 feet now.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

That's pretty deep.

That's deep.

Yeah.

How long will it take you to get from 60 back up to the surface?

How long will it take you?

Well, you got to take

rest to fight the bents and stuff.

I'm not going 50.

That's how deep I can go.

I'll probably go like 20, 30 feet.

You're going to have

some safety people, like

divers or whatever.

It'll only be me on camera, but there will be like 10 people around me and stuff like that.

Yeah.

But I'm pretty excited, man.

Like, I always wanted, I'd given up on the dream of scuba.

I was interested in it, always sounded cool, but then you get to a certain age.

You're like, what am I going to do?

Fucking start scubaing now.

And then fate came along, and they were like, does anybody want to volunteer to do this dive?

And I was like, yeah, I'll do it if they train me.

And so they had me trained up.

Are you going to go into one of those shark cages?

No, I'm not.

I'm going with, I'm going nose cage.

Nose cage?

No cage.

No cage.

No cage, yeah.

And going to be swim right up to a shark and two.

Yeah, apparently they put this chum bucket down, and then like the sharks just come and they do this like cyclone above it, and they just go down and eat it and stuff like that.

And I'm going to be interacting with that.

We're not concerned at

getting too close to a shark.

Is your scuba suit like one of those chain suits?

No, no, it's nothing like that.

No, I mean, you know, I don't think they would let me do it if it was really like

dangerous.

And they said that these sharks are basically like tourist sharks.

They get fed like three times a day.

No, I don't believe there's any great whites i'm sure it's all like

i i don't even know but yeah i get to go and and like uh do a dive and they're gonna film it and everything i'm pretty pretty excited cool yeah so you're the only one that's going in the water um the other guys are doing it but they didn't take the the course so they were doing the cage oh okay yeah yeah

but uh yeah dude it was awesome It was so much fun.

I couldn't believe how much fun it was.

Is it something that you think you could pick up as a...

I think it's something that you got to do as a time.

If I had the time, I probably would.

Yeah, but you could like I can go in my pool now, swim around in the how deep is your pool?

It's only eight feet, but you know what you need to cup a shark or two.

Never have to come up for air.

You know, you should go away with

when you have some downtime is Sunday Jeff's into that too.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he he's a snorkeler.

Get out of here.

Yeah.

All right.

You can look for sand dollars on the

on the surface while you're sixty feet down.

No, snorkeler, you don't need to get trained for it.

You just put it in your your mouth and

splash around the kiddie section.

Oh, yes.

Oh, scuba divers.

We don't waltz.

We look down on people like that.

Oh, okay.

The way he was talking about it, like he was some big shot or something.

I was

dropping that word.

Talk to me when you're certified, bro.

I don't know.

I'm sure it's beautiful.

Mosher and I got certified when we went to Fiji.

Oh, yeah.

And I never thought I would do it either.

And I actually haven't done it since.

But there's something cool about just sitting on the bottom of a pool and being like, I can breathe.

Yeah.

That was weird, man.

It was really cool.

It was like a fun experience.

Very Zen, Walt.

It sounds like it.

Yeah.

I just floated around.

And I didn't know this.

Do you know the packs have airbags in them?

Do you know this?

No.

Okay.

So, so the gear that you wear in the rack has

a hose connected to your tank, and that's how they maintain buoyancy.

So you like hit a button and it fills up the airbag and you pull this thing and it lets the air out.

So like when you're swimming along, if you want to go lower, you just let out some air and it goes down.

And you want to go high, you put in air and it's, it's like a, I didn't know that system existed.

And I was like, this is pretty cool.

I felt cool, man.

It was like a new experience.

It was like a totally new thing.

It was like awesome.

Do you know why it's Zen?

Why?

Because it's right back into your mama's womb.

That's why it feels so good.

Smelling like seawater.

That's why it feels so awesome because you like, because you haven't probably experienced that feeling since you were inside your mother.

Yeah, just like weightless.

Well, I've been in pools, I guess.

But you think that's why Sunday Jeff likes to snorkel?

To try and just get

capture that mother's womb feeling.

Yeah, Sunday Jeff went down to

where is it, Myrtle Beach this weekend.

I mean, this is a party this whole week.

I think he brought a daughter.

I think he brought a daughter and showed him.

He's the guy, though, that all the high school kids and college kids would just adopt for the weekend to be like,

you know it's like wacky i love this guy yeah

you're old but you're cool come on granddad let's do this

yeah you're right and like wouldn't you love to watch it yeah

have you kept up your your wrestling have you been watching anything have you been keeping up on the vids i have to be honest uh since we last saw each other i have not i have gotten a ton of emails oh really holy shit like i think there's people like wrestling huh the tsd audience i think 99% of them love wrestling.

Oh, awesome.

Yeah, because they were so excited at the prospect of us talking about wrestling every week.

And I didn't want to even answer them because I'm like, that's not happening.

That was a fucking unicorn that episode.

That's it, you don't know, man.

I was excited.

I should write you an email.

But I said that, you know, if we have to do a Patreon episode where you bring your, like, your all-time favorite matches and we watch them and commentate on it.

Okay.

I would definitely do that.

Yeah.

But like me keeping up with wrestling like watching it during the week like by myself no good it's probably not gonna happen like you know but i i could not believe the amount of listeners who were jazzed that we talked wrestling and it was just inundated my inbox and saying that like

like the amount the amount of like happy happy happy listeners to hear about wrestling just really stunned me i had no idea oh man

i know you got to give them what you want what they want well you don't think you commit to like an hour a week I think we will

be talking about wrestling.

Didn't she say on Patreon?

Maybe we'll do a wrestling.

Yeah, yeah, but if Q is up for it, I'm up for it.

I would.

Sal used to do this thing at his bar that I always thought was so much fun.

He would play like an old WrestleMania and drop the sound out, and then the bar patrons could just come up and do commentary on it.

So everybody would get drunk and sit there and pretend that they were the announcers and be like, oh my God, he's got a chair and stuff like that.

I mean, you want to do something like that where people hit fucking play on WrestleMania 6 at the same time we start comment.

Oh, oh, you mean like a live one?

Well, no, like an old one, like replay like old matches and like do commentary on them.

Yeah, we could do that.

I mean, I would love to, yeah, anything that you want to do, anything that you're excited to do with wrestling, because you got it, you, yeah, you bring the energy to it.

Okay, because I could, I can't, I can't bring that energy yet until I fall in love with it.

I've just dipped my little toe into the wrestling pool right now.

I don't want, I can't go in there and treat and say that I know what I'm talking about because I don't.

Okay, You know about light bulbs?

About tables.

Apparently, like the guy, one of the guys that was on that clip I showed you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He hasn't wrestled since.

He actually has gone into like, you know,

he hasn't been seen much.

Really?

Yeah.

Fucked himself up.

Yeah, I wonder.

Yeah, they said that he may have

some brain issues

after that.

Which it doesn't make, it isn't shocking when you take a fucking

when you jump two stories into a truck bed full of light bulbs and plywood.

Barbed wire.

I didn't even notice the barbed wire at first.

Yeah, they're all stuck in it.

Yeah.

And then at the end, you're like, what did I do that for?

Yeah, for 30 people.

Well, I guess the internet, too.

A lot of people have watched that video.

Sounds worth it.

Temporary.

I've watched that video, no.

Yeah.

Did you say, you know what?

I was thinking about it.

It kind of like passed real fast when we were talking about Jackass last week.

You said Johnny Knoxville got brain damage from that ball?

From the bull.

He hit him.

Yeah, he had brain damage.

He had to go to therapy and everything really to like get over it because after you after he gets hit you see like his eyes are like all fucking like yeah he had like an eight-month depression he couldn't get out of and he had to get on medication he had to do therapy

child's play yeah it was pretty bad he was like yeah he was on the howard stern show talking about it and it was it was it sounded pretty brutal

yeah

yeah that's what happens when you um

major head injuries is that yeah it causes depression right depression he couldn't think.

He was having a hard time.

Like, he had to do

reconstructive brain stuff where he'd

say words and stuff like that.

Oh, okay.

No, wow.

That was that's major.

Then you have to re-educate yourself on how to speak.

Yeah, stuff like that.

It didn't sound fun.

Well, we had a buddy.

This is going way, way back to like, we had just gotten out of high school or the year after.

And we had a friend who got into a fight during a rumble back when people used to rumble queue.

And

some guy hit him in the back of the head with a bat,

you know, like a baseball bat.

Yeah.

And

that kid, our friend, couldn't, he lost the ability to speak.

He lost the ability.

First, he was knocked out for a couple of days.

I guess he would consider it a coma.

But then once he came out of it, he couldn't talk.

He was alert, but he just, he couldn't speak.

He had to relearn to speak and everything.

He's still alive today, and he's doing fine.

He can talk now.

Yeah, totally fine and can speak like it never happened.

Jeez, man.

How fucking frustrated?

Could he make noises?

I don't know.

Stuff like that.

You mean at the time?

Yeah.

I don't remember him doing that.

I just remember him lying there in pain.

I don't remember a lot.

R.

Say R.

R.

Stuff like that.

All right, you're learning.

You're learning.

All right, this might take me a second because I'm going off my phone.

I forgot my iPad at home.

We got them ads?

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Can I make a request of Mary Beth as our sponsor?

Mary Beth says.

Sure, go ahead.

Since she kind of lands our sponsors, there are these new eye drops that if you put them in your eyes, you don't need reading glasses anymore.

That is so fucking weird you should say that.

She literally just texted me that today.

She got that fucking account?

No, she didn't get the account.

I was like,

she goes, this might help you.

And I looked at it.

It's like virtue,

vitu, or something.

Yeah, and it's like

you put them in your eyes and it clears up

for near-sighted, like

far-sighted.

It's a chemical you spray in your eyes.

Right.

And then you can see well for 24 hours.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What does it do?

Who cares?

I don't give a fuck.

Fair Fair enough.

Can you please

see if she can investigate?

Yeah, I'll tell her to go after it.

That would be great because they're like $92 of a bottle.

Are they really?

And I'll bet you the bottles are like, yee.

Oh, yeah.

You're going to get like four days of nice vision, and then the other 26 days in a month, you're going to be like, point your glasses.

I can't afford to see.

But if we land that sweet sponsor, though.

That'll be a nice one.

I'll tell her.

She'll try.

What is this stuff called?

Hold on.

Because I don't know.

No, it's legit.

I just saw a commercial for it on TV.

FDA approved Q.

Yeah, nothing on my phone.

I'm trying to debunk it, Q.

I'm not trying to debunk it.

I'm just interested because my vision's going.

Is it?

Yeah, it's getting pretty bad.

Yeah.

It was just one day you're like,

you don't even realize it.

And the next day you're like, why is that fuzzy?

And it never goes back to normal again.

That's exactly the experience I had.

It's just fucked up.

One day it's fine, and the next day it's not.

And you're just like, how did that happen overnight?

Yeah.

it's pretty crazy.

V-U-I-T-Y.

I'm sorry, V-U-I-T-Y.

V-I-V-D?

Viewity.

Viewity.

And you guys, all right, well, it's prescription.

Okay, but you could do it online, just like Blue Chew.

Ah, Blue Chew style.

Yeah.

Side effects and warnings.

Do you guys care about this at all?

No, let's hear it.

Okay.

Like, if at a certain point you get too old to care, right?

You're like, fuck.

All right.

Okay.

As long as it don't fuck with.

Well, you know what?

It can even fuck with my boner.

I'll go go on blue chew.

Yeah, man.

We got pills for everything when you're old.

Okay, so they're saying call a doctor once if you have severe stinging, burning, swelling, or redness.

If you have vision changes, but I thought that's why you're taking it.

Eye pain or signs of eye infection.

Common side effects may

include headache or eyebrow pain, eye pain or irritation, eye redness, blurred vision,

trouble seeing in low light, or your eyes may be more sensitive to light, so you turn into Mobius.

The vampire?

Yeah.

Did you see that?

Yeah, did you see the movie?

I almost went to see it, but the reviews were so bad.

I didn't see it.

I thought possibly,

you know, you love Spider-Man, so I thought maybe you would even dare to see it, even with all those horrible reviews.

I'll see you when it comes home.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's no need.

But going back to the eyedrops, you would be reluctant.

In all seriousness, because

I would put a little bit of stock in

if you were worried about it.

Well, I just don't.

I never heard of it.

But there's a commercial on TV.

No, I got you there.

You're right.

That does, that works a lot.

But my thing is, it's a prescription.

You got to take doses.

It's not, you do it in the morning.

I mean, you do, but it's a subscription, a prescription.

You have to use it because it's saying if you skip a dose,

use a medicine as soon as you can, but skip the dose if it's almost time for your next dose.

Do not use two doses at once.

So I don't know what it is.

Like, what the fuck is it?

What is it?

It's magic.

It's science.

Yeah, man.

We got to that point, man.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, we could put a couple drops in our eyes and see again, just like we were young lads.

How great.

Look at that, man.

We fucking, we could put a few drops in our eyes, see like eagles, throw a fucking blue pilot.

Blue chew.

Blue chew.

Fucking fuck like we were fucking

like silverbacks.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Silverback, fuck?

No, but is that what you want?

Is that what you want?

You want to fuck like a silverback?

Silverback, take what he wants.

Oh, yeah, man.

There's no denying.

Even a Lions gives him a Silverback a crown if he watches that fucking Silverback slate.

I have never seen

video of a Silverback fucking.

It's ferocious.

Shit.

I read

somewhere that your idol.

My idol.

Bill Murray.

Yeah.

I saw that.

The first person I thought of was Q.

Yeah, I mean, I know you had to have been so bummed about this news story.

I wasn't that bummed.

No, but you really had to, like, you adored this guy.

Yeah, but I, but there's no reason not to.

I mean, like.

It's just an allegation, you're saying.

Well, also.

What we're talking about real fast is Bill Murray was accused of being an out-of-control

asshole on set, violent.

Oh, see, I hadn't heard that.

All I heard was

there are allegations of

inappropriate conduct.

And that was all I heard.

Yeah, but I don't think it was sexual, which is what everybody leaps to.

Well, to me, I'm just like, well, look, man, like, I'm not, I'll just wait and see.

What are you going to do?

It's like.

But you're not disappointed in them.

Because, I mean, there are guys like, you know,

I mean, I've seen some of the complaints that are coming out and being labeled as inappropriate.

I'll wait and see.

I'll just give it a minute before I start crucifying the guy.

You know, like I said, if he was just like a fucking dickhead to someone on set, it's just like.

Well, I mean, they said that they had to get

like a

oh, Bill Murray allegedly handsy with women on Aziz on sorry film set.

Uh-oh.

See, that's a different story.

I didn't read that one.

That is a different story.

Hansy.

That's no good.

And Aziz has

he was allegedly touchy with the women on the set of being mortal before the chute was shut down.

Like crew members?

Cast members?

It's so weird.

I don't know.

This one is safe.

He's one of those guys

before this happened, though, like

he had this stature that I was always kind of like scratched my head about.

Yeah.

Yeah, I always wondered why he was so great about it.

I don't mean it as harsh as that, but he

elevated it to the point of like,

you know, like, you know, like

a mythic kind of like

the coolest guy that's ever walked the planet.

Yeah.

And I didn't know what gave him that gravitas,

but what was the role?

What was, what did he do that, like, was it the

lounge singer

when he sung Star Wars on Saturday Night Live?

Well, I think he just has a career of playing a certain type of people in movies, and they just associated him with it, I guess.

And he did fucking do a pretty killer late-life transition to a different acting style.

And, you know, he's still relevant today.

I mean, the guy's got something that people respond to.

What was the, what did he change?

I'm not sure.

Well, he stopped doing like just straight up.

He started like really acting and stuff, like doing going for it and like doing dramatic acting and stuff.

He was in that Scarlet Johansson movie, wasn't he?

Lost in Translation.

He was in the Wes Anderson movies.

I mean, what's it?

Rushmore alone was in Rushman.

Rushmore's awesome.

I mean, yeah, it's enough to make you look at the guy and be like, holy fuck, he's a really great actor on top of a good good comedic actor.

Do you like the comedic portion of his career or do you f find yourself being more drawn towards his

main work?

He's at the point now where it's just like, I'll just see whatever Bill Murray's in because I love him.

But, you know, I love the 80s and 90s, the comedy stripes and shit like that.

Yeah,

that's in Ghostbusters and stuff is my Bill Murray.

But I love him, the Wes Anderson movies.

I think he's great in those.

I agree with you, though.

He has this reputation of he won't answer his phone and he doesn't, like, if he wants to do a movie, he'll just suddenly tell you.

If you give him a script, he'll decide if he doesn't even have an agent, right?

He doesn't have an agent.

You got to call like a phone number, I hear, and leave a message, and he gets back to you if he's interested or some shit.

If he doesn't, then he won't call you back.

Yeah.

But whatever.

I mean, look, I mean, again, it's like.

But you want to wait and play and play.

Yeah, let's wait and see how it goes on this one.

I mean, let's wait and see how they all are.

Like, why, why, let's not, maybe not just, you know, because I think, yeah, that Johnny Depp one is a lesson, right?

Maybe we, maybe they jump to conclusions too soon.

I guess.

I mean, they both could be maniacs.

I mean, I don't think anybody would ever accuse.

To me, it's just like, my thing is, like, I'm not doing the research to find out who's right and who's wrong.

Right.

So, therefore, I have to be labeled as I don't care.

Like, if I'm not willing, like, if I'm not going to, if I'm going to join a crowd braying for the fucking head of someone, like,

I'd probably take it on myself to educate myself a little bit before before I do it.

And since I don't want to do it, Gidim told me, though, that because I don't know anything about the case, but he was real interested in it.

Okay.

He was like feeding me.

Like, did you hear this?

Did you hear this about the case?

Apparently, she took a dump on his bed.

Yeah, she shouldn't have his bed yet.

No, what?

That's true.

Yeah, that's absolutely true.

And she said it was the dog.

I don't know if she said it was the dog, but

I know that a dump was definitely taken.

And

I think she tried to skirt

responsibility.

She hit the wall.

And she probably did blame it on the dog, like you said.

Oh, shit.

No, I didn't hear that.

But that's the thing.

I figure, like.

Do you ever?

He's a monster that the society will sort it out.

They don't need me.

But do you ever want for that kind of crazy in your life?

That kind of like, like, my gal just shit in my bed.

Uninvited?

Because she has that me.

Because I was out late last night.

Oh, my God.

And I got into bed and there was a dump.

There was like, there was was a little present for me.

I would have found that.

I wish I had seen it before.

You wouldn't have to get kind of crazy just a little bit, maybe just a week of your life, have that kind of like that kind of on-the-edge kind of lunacy.

Late 20s, early 30s, I would have been up for the story.

But at my age, I'm like, nah, I don't want to come home to that.

You know,

yeah,

at your 40s into 50s, it's like it's over.

Nobody wants to deal with it.

Even like drunken nights are too much.

Oh, my God.

Dude, I went out.

What's today?

I went out the other night.

I had three

martinis

over the course of like two hours.

And I had a hangover that lasted me 30-something hours.

I have no fucking clue how I turned into this person or what went around or anything like that.

But

it was not even three.

It was like two and a half

martinis.

I was on a couch all day, like trying not to throw up.

Really?

Really?

Yeah.

This is it?

It's over.

You're sworn it off now?

No, of course not.

I don't like I can, I can still pack away like six or seven beers and still feel all right, but something about that hard liquor fucking killed me.

But

yeah, it's just, you know, what are you going to do, man?

Getting older, man.

You need eye drops, you need boner pills.

You need to fuck with yourself.

I didn't say I need boner pills, man.

Not yet, but your eyes are just going down.

Yeah, that's the first.

Yeah, it's the first.

Oh, fuck that.

I'm a scuba diver, man.

New, I'm learning.

Yeah, you're going to have to get glasses and shit.

Yeah, I probably will not.

I have readers already.

Yeah.

I never use them, though.

I should.

It's the worst.

I don't know, man.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Dude, I used to think I was going to beat it.

I used to think I was a guy that was going to beat it.

You're going to beat Father Time?

I was going to beat the system, bro.

I was going to figure it all out.

Don't you think you have?

No, I know I'm not going to.

No, no, I used to think that.

Oh, I think you kind of like you beat the system, though, in some way.

I beat some systems, but I didn't beat the most important systems.

Youth about the heck, who can you point to as somebody you can say, like, wow, that guy beat the system?

Well, I'm just talking about aging and,

like, growing old and stuff like that.

Well, they say it's just a matter of your mindset, though.

It really is.

It really comes down to like.

What the fuck else are they going to say?

Well,

my mindset's not going to change my vision.

It'll make me start fucking like a silver back over there.

But

I found this article.

I wanted to bring it up with you guys unless you got something, Brian.

I don't.

I do.

These are the 10 non-sexual advice

things I wish I knew sooner.

Oh, this is cool.

Right?

Now,

some of these things I want to get your opinion on because

I think it's pretty

accurate, though.

Pretty good advice.

I think so.

I think a lot of these things I can point to myself as having, you know,

fallen into the hole of allowing myself to think a certain way.

But okay, number one,

just because everyone else thinks something is true doesn't make it true.

The majority isn't always correct.

The unconventional, the creative, and the crazy ideas sometimes shine through, but it is scary having no support and only critics.

People worry about fitting in and agreeing with everyone else, not realizing that the majority can be wrong.

Now, is this up to what is this?

What is this list?

This is the 10 pieces of non-sexual advice I wish I knew sooner.

Okay.

So they're like, don't be such an automaton.

Yeah, basically, that's what it's saying.

You would have thought Nazi Germany would have teached everybody this lesson already.

But here we are again.

Come on.

You can't expect people to

remember six million deaths

and have it

affect how people

lived their lives in 2022.

You're right.

This one is so fucking spot on for me.

Everyone is the protagonist of his or her own story.

People are busy focusing on themselves, worrying about what others think about them.

And everyone else is a side character.

Good news, because that means people aren't thinking about you as often as you worry.

They are just as insecure as you are.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

That's a slap in the face.

That's a bucket of cold water.

Right?

Dumped right on your head.

I think it's a bucket of warm water because, like, it's comforting.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, I'm not that important.

That's what really that fucking boils down to is you're not as important as you fucking think you are.

So chill axe.

See, that would be a cold water then.

Because you're like, I spent my whole life thinking I was important.

Now I realize I ain't shit.

We're all ants, bro.

Goes all back to the beginning.

That's true.

This one,

number three, super hard to do, but I feel it's accurate as well.

Confidence is the key to just about anything, and it can be learned.

Attracting love interests, business connections, self-esteem, and so much more.

It will get you what you want in life and gives you an advantage over everyone else.

Just having confidence.

Yeah.

It is so hard, though.

It's hard, but I could actually speak to this because 10 years of doing that TV show and just fucking with people and finding out where

the where the lines really are as opposed to where you think they are has changed me a bunch.

And a big part of that is what that just said, which is just like, if you just fucking act like you're supposed to be somewhere or show up and speak with authority, most people will fucking just go along with it.

It's crazy.

Yeah, I do it all the time.

I go to Disney now, I just walk to the fucking

exit of the ride and I go, oh, this guy fucking told me to come here to go in this way.

I had to skip the line.

And they're like, yeah, go right ahead.

Yeah, it's shit like that, like all the time.

It's like, it's crazy.

Like, if you just, if you just present yourself in a certain way, people buy it.

No, but

there's a case in point I can point to that it doesn't always work though.

Okay.

You talk about Giddam?

Yeah, get him, you know, saying that he's a super

IQ

genius level.

I still get emails daily about he's a fucking shit sham.

He doesn't know shit.

You know,

he has a good memory, but it's not really intelligence.

I can't stand him.

Like, I'm not listening no more.

Well, I'm not listening.

That's what they say.

Like,

they threaten not to listen if Giddam comes on too much because they can't stand his blowhardish

tooting of his own horn that he's a fucking super genius.

Well,

they have a point, knowledge versus intelligence.

Like, we've never really seen him show but he shouldn't have to by going by this.

If he just fucking goes in there, cocksure, who's going to lose us listeners?

No, no, no, but I'm saying, but like, he should have convinced the listeners by now, all of them, right?

With the way he presents himself, as like he's so confident.

Well, you can't run a scam over eight years and not back it up once and expect it to fly.

But I would argue that giddem wants them to be writing letters about him and giddem i would argue that that that guy right sending in that letter is is playing exactly into get him's hand i say he fell into giddham's trap yeah he did and to be fair though uh i feel i feel that giddem has like he's in this weird uh little bubble where he is now beloved again

okay he's on the he's on the uptick it's the pendulum has swung the other way yeah people like adore him now oh well that's nice yeah and they're like, more get him, more get him.

And this was just happening to be one guy.

He's so smart.

Yeah,

there is a call for more get him, Steve Dave.

Until him, Steve Dave.

And Ming, too.

I'd love to have Ming in.

People are like, we want more Ming.

And I'm like.

Ming's never around.

Yeah, Ming's never around.

He's in a different state.

Him and fucking Joey Fatone.

Like, I went out to dinner with Fatone the other night, and, like, he, him and Ming are, like, fucking, he loves Ming.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they run into each other at cons.

They go out party and stuff like that.

They hang out.

It sounds like Ming's living a hell of a fun life, to be honest.

You want to talk about beating systems.

That guy trained to be a computer coder.

He's like fucking running around cons partying now.

Hanging out with Hollywood Elite.

Yeah, dude.

Like, that guy got everything figured out.

You want to keep going?

Yeah.

Want to hear more?

Let's go to five and then I'll read an ad.

Okay.

Don't look to relationships to make you happy because you should be happy with yourself first.

Relationships and sex aren't the be-all, end-all of human existence.

Putting all your expectations into your significant other is a huge burden on both him and her, as well as the relationship.

The expectations will be impossible to meet, and you'll be more inclined to act needy.

Be happy with yourself first so you can be the best version of you possible for your special others.

That's a Pollyanna fucking

bullshit.

Okay, for our first ascension on the

top 10 list.

The number of people who aren't happy with themselves, but are in relationships anyway.

I mean, I can count at least one.

You know,

it's just not possible.

Sometimes

that's what you look to your partner for is to shoulder some of that burden, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, it's,

is it a recipe, though, for

continually being in a loop, though, then, unless you start to look and be happy with yourself first.

Yeah, I've heard this advice forever.

I haven't taken it yet, though.

I haven't taken it.

I can't.

I just can't.

I wish I could.

I don't like being disappointed in myself all the time.

It's no fun.

Well, I think what you're saying is, you know, get happy with yourself.

Yeah, how do you do that?

That's what you should be focusing on.

Where's my drugs?

No.

Yeah.

Like, a good course of therapy, something.

Get you in there.

Yeah, I could do it.

Well,

you got to write down what you're not happy about with yourself.

Like,

what are the top three things you're not?

If you were, if you were to write down that list, number one, two, and three, what is it?

Mindset, your mindset, weight,

and physical, like,

I know I can get it fixed, but my hands shake so much now, it's fucking crazy.

You can get it fixed?

Yeah, like, well, if I stopped taking the medication I'm taking, my hands would stop shaking.

But I got to take the medication I'm taking so I don't fucking flip out.

But there's different, like,

what are they called?

I don't know.

Somebody out there smarter than me probably knows.

What's that?

Dimmers, but they dim it.

Yeah, basically, I have some that

are supposed to help, but they just don't help.

So, like, my right hand's not as bad, but my left hand is like fucking nuts.

I was hanging out with Joe DeRosa, and he was like, later on, he was like, he thought I had Parkinson's.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, no, no, thank God.

I mean, not as far as I know.

But he was like, yeah, I didn't want to say anything.

He's like, I don't want to be, you know, offend you or anything, but like, your hand was shaking like crazy.

Now, is it something?

Like, I'm around Joe DeRosa.

Yeah, I'm nervous.

Yeah, of course.

Is this something that, like, if you're thinking about, like, is this something like stuttering?

Like, if you're thinking about something else or doing a different activity, it stops

because you're not like, is that one of those weird things that the mind, like, if someone sings, sings, they don't stutter?

I think I'm finding like I hold it a certain way.

It's like if I hold it down like this, it's not going to.

But like if I'm not thinking about it, like in bed or something, I don't think it really shakes.

Yeah, I don't think it shakes as much.

But if I like, I'm like, all right, I got to carry this glass up the stairs without spilling fucking water all over the place.

So if you do it without thinking about it, it's less shaky.

Yeah, but it's impossible.

It's impossible.

Mind over matter.

Yeah.

Like I had a bowl of cereal the other day.

I was like, this shit's going to go everywhere.

Stop shaking.

But you're good at losing weight when you want to, though.

Yeah, I just have to fully commit.

Yeah.

Commit.

That you could do.

I've seen you do it a hundred times.

Yeah, I know.

But isn't that fucking pathetic?

Did you see me do it a hundred times?

I tend to lose weight, get in a great shape, and then slowly start building it back on.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

Well, I think maybe COVID this time.

I just sat around and did absolutely

fucking nothing.

But it's even like like the, even at that, it's too much, too much weight to have gained.

Yeah, I can't even excuse, whoa, COVID, right?

Like people gain five or ten pounds with COVID, not fucking

X amount.

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If you don't like them, send them back.

I mean, come on.

What more do you need to know?

All right.

All right.

Gonna read the rest of them all.

Sure.

Being yourself doesn't mean you shouldn't work on improving yourself.

Don't use it as as an excuse to be a half-assed version of yourself.

Higher.

Be yourself

is vague and outdated.

Okay.

You know, kind of losing like, you know, if you were to use,

you know, like, oh,

you know, I'm not very friendly or I'm, you know, I'm not too fat.

I was rude.

That's just me being me.

You know, that's just how I am.

Like, that is not a good enough excuse.

If you're an asshole, maybe don't be you.

Yeah, that's what I think number

six here.

I thought it was a kind of a thing about the quest for self-improvement across the board, not just personality.

Like, you'd always be smarter, more knowledgeable, could always learn scuba.

You know, you could always expand your horizons a little bit, which I think ultimately is key to life, no?

Oh, yeah.

It's a perfect example.

You counted out scuba.

I'm never going to scuba.

Never going to fucking do it.

Look how happy you are now.

Look how jazzed you are.

I'm so excited.

I'm about to swim with some sharks.

And my balls bit off by a shark.

Oh, that would be fucked if you had to run around with a fake hand or something.

Could you imagine?

Like,

I go to the Bahamas to shoot this thing, and I die.

Like, I get eaten by a shark.

No, I don't want to imagine that.

I mean, what an end.

Because you know, I would hate it.

Like, I'm telling you right now, I would fucking hate it.

I'd be like, I end up as shark shit.

Yeah.

A fucking shark ate me, digested me, and shit me ass.

I'm not at peace with this.

Not happy about this.

They might have a funeral with your remains.

Still dressed in the scuba gear.

A little coffin, nobody around to cry over it.

I don't want this.

This isn't for me.

Once you get in the cage, let Murr go in the middle.

Yeah, no.

I need him.

I need him more than ever.

All right, here's another one.

Don't make assumptions about people because you're wrong 85% of the time.

85%.

That's a pretty fucking high error.

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, some people are just fucking assholes, and you could just tell, but other than that, yeah, I agree with that.

I'm sure you've heard something along the lines of they could be going through something right now.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

Someone you think is a loser may turn out to be an interesting person that you love to be best friends with.

Someone you disagree with on a subject may actually have a lot more in common with you than you think.

A lot of times in the past, I've judged someone only to speak with them for five minutes and realize I was 100% wrong.

I don't know.

Yeah, I think

there's always the curveball in there, but you don't think the gut is right most of the time?

Not when it comes to things like that.

I've found that first impressions aren't always the best.

Okay.

I find.

I think that I've had people that I haven't liked, but when I talk to them one-on-one, I'm like, oh, maybe I've...

You're wrong.

Maybe I was wrong.

I mean, look at Giddam.

Remember how much we could have fucking stand that guy?

You and Brian.

Oh, he stole your website, too.

Yeah, but I, yeah, but I never let it, um, I never let it taint

anything because I was because I didn't care about the website.

But yeah, you guys were very angry at me.

I reminded him

every day that I was like, those guys wanted you, Jettison and never talked to them.

They wanted nothing to do with you.

Yeah.

Good morning, Giddam.

You're here by my good graces.

You know, you don't know.

You don't know what people are like.

You don't know

what someone's going through at any point.

But also, like, they're saying, hey, you might start talking to somebody, and it turns out that you really like them.

It's like, it took a good long time with Gidham.

Yeah, with Gidham at the end of the day.

Yeah, for sure.

It wasn't overnight.

This one's truth, I think, and it isn't said often enough.

Family matters, but they can be wrong too.

It's scary how much we rely on family to shape us at a young age.

Right?

I think that one's pretty.

Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

Yeah.

It's, you know, just because they're family doesn't mean that they can't be wrong and they can't be

and they can't be bad for your state of mind.

Yeah.

Just because they're family doesn't automatically mean that they know what's best for you or they have your best interests at heart at all times or that they aren't flawed.

Oh my God, yeah.

But I mean, who wrote this list?

Someone who's 20?

I mean, you don't figure this shit out?

Jesus Christ.

I think back to, like, I mean, my dad was 16 years younger than I am now when he had me.

And if I had a kid now,

I don't know what the fuck I'd do.

You know, how am I raising this kid?

You know, I don't know.

You were the last.

No, I was a middle.

There's another one after me.

But my thing is, like,

yeah, they could be flawed, but that doesn't mean that they're not great people.

You know, that's another thing.

Like, I think that I went through a stage in my life where, like, I was

when I started to be aware of the flaws of my family.

I think, you know, maybe this is normal, but you go through a stage where you're almost angry at that, realizing they're not perfect.

Oh, this is a, yeah.

And then you get past that to a place where you're like, well, no, shit, they're not fucking perfect.

Like, of course they're not.

They're people.

You know what I mean?

Like, my mom and my dad are people.

You know, and then you get to a place where you're like, oh, man, they are the most important people in my life.

I do fucking love them.

You just accept people, warts and all.

Then you start to learn just how imperfect they are.

But at that point, you already know that you know.

It takes a while to get there.

I think it takes a while to get there, sure.

There's got to be a shift from like the way you view your parents as a child to as a young adult, to as an adult.

There has to be.

Like, how odd would it be if I still looked at my parents like I did when I was seven?

But I know guys, I know guys, and I, I, I really,

it, it hurts to hear, you know, I'm happy for them, but it does hurt when they're like, my dad's my best friend.

And I'm just like, fuck you.

How does that happen?

How did that happen?

Yeah.

How did it not happen, though, for so many of us?

Not, you know, like, how did that not, like, why is it, how is that possible that you could say that and with no irony or no, like, like, you legitimately say that, and it's true.

I sell sales that way.

Yeah,

I envy that.

I, um,

you know, it's, it's, it's not often you see it, but when you do, it's like, it makes you step back and go like, damn.

Yeah.

I wish I had that.

It has its own problems.

Does it?

It does.

It has its own problems.

Um.

To having your parent, you know, your parent be super involved in your life and for you to be like super involved in their life.

Like, there are problems arise from that, you know?

It's like any friendship, like the more exposure you have, like my parents, like right now, I'll see them like

10, 10, 11 times a year.

You know what I mean?

Like, either once a month, let's say I see my parents or something.

I can dip in and out of that without really getting annoyed at anything.

But if I saw my parents on a fucking day-to-day basis, week to week, month to month, they're going to do shit that annoys me.

And then that brings a whole new dynamic into it.

You know, I think that maybe Sal can stomach in a way that I can't.

You know,

I get too uncomfortable with that level of closeness.

Yeah, but but I've but like, I don't think I could have had better parents.

And I, I, flaws and all, like, not only do I accept, it's interesting because not only do I accept my parents' flaws now, but I celebrate them.

Like, oh, yeah, I'd like to hear an example of that.

Like my dad.

That you had a hard time accepting, but now

celebrate.

My father is like not very demonstrative.

Like, he's a very closed-off sort of guy.

You know, and there are times in your life where you're like, hey, man, like, I could use a little fucking warmth, like, sprinkled in.

But, like, then after a while, you're like, what the fuck did I need the warmth for?

Like, who gives a shit?

And then I'm like, oh, my dad, there he is.

He's fucking like just sort of grumpy in the corner.

I love him.

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's like, oh, here we go.

What's dad's opinion on this?

And it's going to be some, you know.

grumpy opinion on something perhaps or or whatever.

I don't know.

My father's not even grumpy.

I'm just trying to make up examples without using real ones.

I don't want to talk about my dad in that way.

But yeah, it just you grow to celebrate these things in anybody, not even parents.

Don't you do it with your friends and shit like that or your kids?

Yeah.

Like their flaws make them special to you or

their deficiencies in certain areas make you love them a little bit more.

You know, but there are people though that

like

who hide it so well, flaws though, that like you hide it even from their children though.

And, you know, is that do you think that's the way to go?

Like, you know, from the, from, they never see

a side that's, um, that shows them, like, anything but the perfect side.

I think that's good

for a time, but I think you gotta.

It's unrealistic.

I mean, once you, isn't it?

I mean, you had kids.

I don't know.

Like, once they hit the teenage years, aren't you an asshole no matter what?

No, I'm not saying that.

Yeah, I'm not saying that I was one of those people that was able to, you know, never show a side other than

your shit in your pants on roller coasters and stuff like that.

But I know that I've spoken to people who are like, you know, I've never seen my father ever in a position that he wasn't like, you know,

being

the perfect person or, you know, always had the right thing to say.

Never

ever saw him, you know, fall or, you know, it means not like fall from this pedestal I put him on or something.

Yeah.

And I find that to be also like fascinating.

You know, like, how do you, how do you carry yourself like that where you never ever showed us anything but the best side of yourself to your kids?

I don't know.

That's crazy.

Maybe not be around your kids that much.

And when you

do behave like that, like you're perfect all the time.

And then when you lose it, that's when it scares kids because they're like, holy shit, what's going on?

This guy's got a loco.

What's going on?

Yeah.

I have no frame of reference for this.

I know a lot of my stuff, too, is, bro, you might not understand this, too, is like so much of my earlier life was just consumed with self-loathing.

So I think a lot of the problems that I had with relationships, my parents, friends, anything, was like

this

feeling of myself

projecting onto other people.

And it makes them seem worse than they are.

Because I don't like myself.

And if you're coming from a place of that, it's easy to project these things on other people.

And you're like, well, of course, I mean, I never had any problem with my brothers.

Me and my brothers have always had a great relationship.

But, like, just to say, like, I could be like, well, of course, my brother's an asshole because I'm an asshole.

And we're just a fucking bunch of assholes around here.

Not that exactly, but I think that I had to grow out of that too before I could start.

Did you ever blame ever, not out loud, but ever think about blaming your parents for how you felt about yourself?

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Over Easter dinner.

Loudly.

Yeah, I yeah, but again, I think it all comes back to immaturity immaturity well for me it was the 10 years of therapy.

It was like oh, oh, okay, I see how I looked at this the completely wrong way and and and all this is really about me.

It's not about whatever I'm angry about a lot of it was that

and your reaction to shit that like like I find with Pam I'm like I long ago I stopped getting mad at her for certain things because I'm like that's just who she is.

It's not gonna change That's going to be the way she reacts every single time in this situation.

So why the fuck am I expecting her to react differently?

Yeah.

It's like, that's on me.

Why are you bothering to get upset at it?

Yeah.

What's the point?

What's the point?

It's not always easy.

No.

But yeah, you learn that.

It doesn't mean I hem and haw on the way home.

You believe that shit quote.

Yeah, but the older I get it, is it happening to you, Brian?

Because I know you had problems

with your family.

Like the older I get, the more family

it means a little bit, it gets it means more and more the older I get.

Are you finding that, or is that not?

Yeah, I would say so because I look at my parents and I'm like, like, Pam's like hunched over a little bit more now than she was, and Edgar is not like the formidable guy that I remember who would fucking smash you if you like you stepped out of line.

You know, now I'm the one who does the smashing,

and he better understand that, and everything will be fine around you.

But yeah, you just, you look at them and you're just like, have you done everything you wanted to do in life?

And if not, what are you waiting for?

Like, there's this thing where, like, Edgar wants to move down to Florida to retire.

Yeah.

You know, they've been retired for years now.

Pam's like, I'm not moving.

I'm not leaving my grandchildren behind.

Blah, blah, blah.

Grandchildren who hardly ever come to see her except for Sage.

It's like.

You could see them every three months.

It's a two-hour flight, man.

Yeah, it's nothing.

Sage loves Florida.

Florida.

Her grandkids are

other than Sage are all adults, though, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, she only has a two, and I don't see them getting any more.

Not from me, not from Eric.

Not from Eric.

You don't think Eric will?

No, Eric has the stepson that he likes.

Yeah, of course.

But, I mean, he'll never want maybe for

another kid, you know, as

because he's still young enough.

I don't know.

Is he?

Oh, hell yeah.

The guy's like 45 years old.

He could still have a kid.

Sure.

I mean, I know he can.

Sperm is healthy.

I'm not saying that.

You know, I'm not going to cast those as far as

he still listen.

I think so, yeah.

Eric Johnson, unhealthy sperm.

I want to go on record.

I think he had very strong, viral sperm.

Right.

Okay.

He doesn't need any of those Bluetooth pills.

He's ready to rock.

Blue chew doesn't affect your sperm count.

No, I guess not.

You're right.

You don't want to make it, you make false claims on behalf of Blue Chew.

I'm just saying that he can't get it up, also,

as well as having weak sperm.

You're the only brother who can, right?

Even my other sister, Darren.

I'm the star of this family.

Based solely upon your ability to have an erection.

What else matters, Walt?

You boil it all down.

What else matters?

Remember,

Eric can't throw down his PhD or his.

no no

check out this rod

slap it in your hand

Billy club

about this in school

is the school hard knocks

hard cocks

Did you hear that?

I went to the school of hard cops.

Wait a minute.

Go back to night school.

I don't owe any money on student loans either.

Mr.

Smart Guy.

That's the problem.

Your brains are all up in your head.

Spent it down here.

Spent down here in the groin.

This is where I do all my thinking.

Tell him, Mary Bath.

Quick cowering to tell him.

We got one more.

Is this also a good one?

And how many people am I doing this in front of?

That's the question.

Is it just me and him?

Easter dinner.

Any number is funny.

Just 101 is funny.

10 people's funny.

Five people's funny.

All right, well, let's see it then.

Let's see you.

Let's see you, Mr.

Big Talk.

Oh, yeah, I would.

I'm not going to ruin Easter dinner.

Let's do

it when I call on shit.

I think I overplayed my hand.

You wish.

Ew.

I think we got a gay here.

My own brother.

He wants to see it so bad.

Disgusting.

How bad do you want to see it?

Ma.

Believe it very there.

Get your coat.

A bunch of perverts here.

Just the perverts.

I thought I would see the day my own brother wants to see his brother's hard cock.

Disgusting.

You knew he shouldn't have moved in San Francisco.

That's where they got you, wasn't it?

It's like a fucking, like an automated, like

one of those shotguns that shoots a pellet everywhere.

Anything, any target.

Quick turn on Darren.

Darren drinks too much.

Holy shit.

The final piece of advice.

Being an adult doesn't make you any wiser, nor does it mean you have everything together.

Most of us are still trying to figure out things, and we're playing it by ear a lot of times.

Respect your elders is a common phrase,

and you should treat everyone with respect, but that doesn't mean ignorance disappears with age and is replaced by wisdom.

That is taking taking no prisoners right there.

Yeah.

It's like you're surrounded by a bunch of dummies.

Yeah.

Do you subscribe to that cue, though?

Because I always thought, you know, that

somebody who is older probably has a little bit more.

Yeah, I think so.

I would say so.

Just even if you fucked up and made a bunch of mistakes, you even know, you know where the fuck comes from.

Yeah.

Again, I think you're talking about

this being written by a 20-year-old versus people our age who like already know it.

Yeah.

Like I mean like yes, I've I've come to learn that like with with age comes experience, but not necessarily

advice that you would want to take from them.

There are plenty of fuck-ups who are adults

who are older than us.

Most of them.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think also I like that too, is that like you you treat everybody with respect, but they've got to earn it though, too, though.

Like if they're not if just because they're old doesn't mean they deserve it, you know, if they're not being, if they're not worthy of it.

Correct?

Agreed.

Yeah.

A lot of fucking old idiots out there, man.

Yeah, they're not worthy of.

I plan on being one someday.

Yeah, I don't want to do any damage.

So, do you think this is some of the best non-sexual advice you ever got?

You know, it wasn't bad.

There were some good ones in there that people would do well to heed.

Some of the listeners maybe have heard something maybe they haven't heard before?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

That's what we try to do.

You know, try to

spread a little bit with some yucks, maybe some

thoughts to ponder during the week in between episodes.

Yeah.

You know, some weighty issues.

I hope people were writing them down as

we said them.

So it could be either like a daily list that they go over.

They're like,

check, check, check.

Did I respect my elders?

Well, my fucking elder's an idiot, so nah, I don't know.

Yeah, fuck that.

You can't respect everyone.

Like, whenever I see these, like, these forensic file shows or like these live crime shows, they're always saying something like, nobody deserves to die like that.

It's like, the person who did it to him deserves to die like that.

Yeah.

You know, don't say nobody.

There are child molesters out there.

There are murderers out there.

There are total pieces of shit out there.

And yeah, some of them deserve to die in horrible ways.

Well, if you told me, like, look, we could press a button and it will rid the world of child molestations, mustachias, but they're all going to die in a painful manner.

I'd be like, oh, well, what are you going to do?

I'm going to hit the button.

What do you want me to do about that?

Like, I can't help you.

They made their choice.

Either they made their choice or it's a sickness that they can't work around, whatever it is.

Or

that button's there.

Now, what?

You're not going to press it?

No, I got to press it.

You got to press a button.

Yeah.

Well, that was a.

I don't want to do it.

I would feel even if I press a button and fucking, even if it was a thousand child molasses, I still would be like, oh man, I wish I went through life without killing people.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think I'd be jazzed to kill anybody.

You know?

Yeah, but those child molesters, they're killing.

No, no, no.

You got to do it.

I got to do it.

100%.

I just don't think I'd be the guy that would be like, yeah, that's right.

I fucking did it and I'd do it again.

USA.

Yeah, USA.

I think I'd still be like, oh, man, I mean, I did, despite that, I fucking had to do it.

And those kids are saved and everything's great.

Like, I mean, that's a lot to end the human life.

What was those drinks that you were having this weekend?

Martinis.

Every fucking bar you walked into, though, you'd get some free martinis, though.

That's the guy who fucking pushed that button.

You can't even handle two.

Yeah, I can't.

I mean, no,

that's not the reason why I would do it, so that people would pat me on the back.

I didn't say,

I'm just saying there would come with some fringe benefits.

Yeah.

That you would be like, people would be like, hey, there goes the guy that pushed the button.

I think I would be like.

not even like, it's not even like, and then second, also, also, that guy's an IJ.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you'd be guy known first as the guy who pressed the button.

He murdered a thousand pedophiles.

Don't fuck with him.

Don't fuck kids.

He'll get you.

That guy will get you.

Swims with sharks and kills perverts.

Dude, that's a fucking

hell of a tombstone.

Yeah, that's a novel.

That's like the new fucking James Mond.

Yeah.

And weird, he didn't even have kids.

It was very odd.

He was really, really into that issue.

Any more ads?

Or is that ad?

No more ads.

No more ads.

So we're done.

All right.

Done for the week.

We had, just real quick, we had a visitor.

I hope he made it back to Argentina.

Oh, wow.

We had a visitor to the store.

He came all the way from Argentina, and me and Giddam took him on a

took him around and dropped off all the Patreon mail.

Get out of here.

Took him around and showed him America, a slice of America he probably wouldn't have never seen.

Wow, Airport Plaza, the airport.

We took him to four different post offices.

Okay.

You know, we had him deliver mail for us.

Nice.

He probably loved it.

Yeah, he loved it.

And we took him to McDonald's.

Oh, nice.

He got that Big Mac?

He wanted Dr.

Pepper and French fries.

Oh, all right.

You know what he said, though, that really stuck with me?

He goes, America smells like air conditioning.

and new carpet.

It's two good smells.

Right?

Yeah, that was poetic.

I thought, damn, man, this guy's an author.

Yeah, I like this guy.

What's his name?

I think his name is Eric.

Hey, all right.

Nice work, Eric.

As soon as I got done delivering all the postage, all the postal shit, well, cold ice.

Tell him, Steve David.