#501: And Then There Were Two

Telling Steve Daves that recording in the comic store, Burbank Bryan Q felt that they needed more.

Couldn't want to women adventure and cruise.

Bry just wanted to debate how both Republics and not have to lose.

So they traveled, Q traveling, hitting pavement.

Bry providing abundances of vague navigations.

But whether they win or lose, triumph or fail, listen to this podcast, and they will regale you with their tales.

Space Monkey.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Space Monkeys.

Hello?

That's right.

No Walt.

No Walt.

And I don't want to hear any bullshit from anybody about like, why is it Walt?

Why is Walt?

Walt is sick.

So it's either this or nothing.

Or go pound sand.

I've heard that said.

Yeah, I don't think I've heard it said enough, actually.

I wish more people would be like, go pound sand.

Right.

So old-timey, yet still.

They know what you mean.

Yeah, they know what I mean.

So So, Walt update is: Walt broke fever a few days ago, and he's out of isolation.

He's doing well.

Is it just common knowledge about Walt?

I think so.

I mean, a lot of people are assuming it.

Okay, like Walt's not going to be upset that we're

outing his medical history.

Yeah, isn't there some kind of OSHA requirement that we not do that?

I don't know.

Well, I think more like we work for Walt, so I don't think it works like that.

Uh-oh.

Goddamn slate driver.

I know.

Goddamn, we'll find it.

So, yes, walt uh

was ill as was giddem

uh giddy and fared better i guess yeah get him a little better he uh i saw him today

i don't know how you can't give giddham full not you but like in general as a as a listener how you cannot embrace a guy who when he knows for a fact walt isn't coming in he had no idea i was coming in is still in a full baseball outfit

That says coach.

That says coach.

He has a whistle around his neck.

That's a guy hoping someone's showing up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And some people did.

Oh, yes.

Thank you for everybody who came out to the Black Friday

weekend.

That was fun.

Very successful, don't you say?

I was very pleased by the number of people that were there.

I

had a fun time talking to everybody.

I was

pleased that I didn't catch COVID from it.

I wore my mask the entire time.

Yeah, I saw online some people were displeased that people weren't wearing masks.

Yeah, I wasn't too crazy about that either, but I figured you guys were...

I don't know.

When I first walked in, I felt like I had to go.

Why did I do this?

No, I walked in and

you had listeners all over the office.

I didn't agree with that decision at all.

It was a party, babe.

Yeah, you were throwing a party because I guess you did the midnight to 3 a.m.

and then 7 a.m.

onwards?

No, 10.

10.

Okay.

Because when I got there, it was like that fucking scene from Animal House when they show up and there's a party going on.

There was literally people in every room of our studios.

There was people in the there were people in the fucking costumes closet.

Yeah, they were just like walking around unattended.

And then I'm like, oh, well, all right.

I wouldn't have made that choice, but

okay, but let me go.

At this point, I didn't realize that the studio door was wide open.

And I was like, well, surely they knew enough to leave us a refuge to go to in case the situation was like this, which is that the place was fucking packed.

But I went in, there was no less than eight people sitting around the recording table, like just chilling and hanging out.

It was like they were home.

Yeah, I put an end to that right away.

Immediately, they were ushered out of their own house.

I mean, it was so fast.

Well, because

I had guests coming, and

I couldn't have, they didn't sign up for.

Just, you know,

being exposed to COVID.

I don't know.

So far, I haven't heard anybody that got COVID, though.

No, no, no.

It's fine.

I knew they were solid.

Every face I walked through that door, I'm like, this motherfucker's solid.

There's no way they got COVID.

Only non-solid people get COVID.

No, people, like, because I didn't take my mask off, but people were very nice to say, I'm vaccinated and stuff like that to me.

You know, I was trying to be cool despite having the mask on.

Saying you're vaccinated doesn't even fucking mean anything anymore.

I mean, it does.

Because it shows that you're at least being careful enough to do that.

Trying.

You're at least trying.

Even if it's poor.

Well, put it this way, you don't think it's your American duty to like open mouth kiss people you don't know just to prove that COVID's no big deal.

Right.

Those are the people I don't really, I don't want to be around.

Yeah.

Or even the people that maybe, I don't know.

I don't want to be around anybody, I guess.

Yeah, but no, those are the people.

Anyway, here we are.

How do we get on this?

Talking about the big opening.

How was your Thanksgiving?

Was it everything you dreamed it would be?

Oh, it was fucking great.

It was great.

I was

I was in Florida.

It's nice.

I was in the villages, the retirement community, where I learned a new country western song or two that I hadn't heard before because that's all they fucking played down there.

And then,

yeah, took my mom to see Ghostbusters and

had a good day.

Had a good time.

Nice.

How was yours, bud?

It was fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was kind of disappointed that nothing blew up or nobody was upset or, you know, the note was like, fuck you, and I could left.

Everybody's getting old.

Yeah, people just don't have it in them anymore we went there and it was a good time was had by all uh my brother darren came up and we uh built a little fire in pam and edgar's fire pit out back that's nice

and then went home and went to bed and that was it that's it thanksgiving yeah that sounds like a good day to me yeah

I was starting to think like maybe like because of the past couple get-togethers haven't been

there haven't been anything incendiary or you know there's no explosions.

And I'm like, it strangely coincides with how long I've been medicated.

So I'm starting to think maybe it was my fault.

Well, you'd have to accept a certain amount of it, no matter what, right?

You're part of the dynamic.

I'm just wondering if my percentage grew.

Yeah, like maybe you were the one that was constantly at odds and fucking ji-hodding people and stuff like that.

And maybe other people were like, man, what the fuck?

Why won't he just calm the fuck down?

Yeah, like we all want to have a nice job.

he ruins it every time didn't you stomp out one year

uh yeah it was that's because my mother lied like she she like totally made something up i heard her she didn't know i was listening in yeah but you think medicated brian might be able to just roll his eyes at it probably yeah yeah probably like oh she's silly what are you gonna do she's silly old bat yeah she's in she's elderly what can you do about that

I also, before I forget, I wanted to, we didn't, I don't think I mentioned on 500 episode 500, which were pretty good reactions to.

Oh, yeah, people are liking it?

Yeah, people really liked it.

I haven't checked it out.

Two guys who make it all possible, Declan and Jay Sarge.

I don't think I mentioned them.

Oh, I know.

That's an oversight.

It is.

See, this is why I got to write shit down.

Well, they have to, I guess, even though you're giving them their proper respect now, part of them.

has to wonder why they didn't make that first that first cut.

Right.

And I would say it's because they weren't in the room.

I would agree.

Yeah.

Yeah, we thank everybody who's in the room.

It's not like there's anything.

It's not like I'm like, and my wife married Beth.

Yeah, you're trying to wrap up the show.

We're trying to go home.

You know, it was three fucking four hours.

It took us to record that thing.

We're going to stick around to say their names.

Yeah, I mean, I just say you could be forgiven for like just laying eyeballs on people and thanking them and then getting the hell out of there.

But I, but I would understand why they would be listening for their name and not hear it and be like, oh man.

Oh,

the saddest clicking ever.

Yeah.

Because, yeah.

Think of me, Declan?

Declan's just, he's a huge part of the show.

Sure.

So is Jay Sarge?

Yeah.

Jay Sarge,

I really like that guy.

Yeah, I don't have much contact with him.

No.

A few times I've met him, I've liked him.

Yeah, he likes cats a lot.

Yeah, I like him.

I know that.

I like the guy.

Didn't he have like a super like

is he married?

What's his deal?

Yeah, he's married.

He's married, has a kid.

Yeah, something about...

I have two kids.

I can't remember.

Like, we were like, they're so nice.

I don't know.

There was something.

Oh, wait, was it

was this the one where he was getting painted as grotesquely short?

Yeah.

Oh, that was a fun.

Okay.

Oh, shit, man.

I feel bad about that.

But I never said that.

Wasn't that thrown on him by you guys?

No, no, no, no, no, no, you said it.

No, really?

You said it 100%.

I think I said he wasn't grotesquely short.

No, I think you said, like, under a certain amount, like, under, like, five, seven, or, like, grotesquely short.

I don't think it was aimed at anyone in particular, but in general, you were like, if you are below this height,

then in my eyes, you are grotesque.

Sorry about that, everyone below that number.

But I mean, nobody should listen to my fucking opinion anyway.

Yeah, nobody listens to an opinion for.

I mean, am I,

we may cut this out, but do I sound okay?

I think, I don't know.

You sound okay to me,

but you know, that's judged on a curve right now.

Yeah,

I don't, yeah, I mean, I guess it's legal.

I mean,

you, you brought over a joint, and I took a big old hit.

And I don't know how I'm coming across right now.

I think

suave.

Yeah.

Debonair.

Personable.

Yeah.

All right.

Um, I wanted to get your feeling on this because I know how much you love cats.

Okay.

This is going to make me sad, isn't it?

No, I don't think I'll be sad by it.

This doesn't involve death or mayhem or anything.

like that.

No, nothing like that.

In fact, the cat's getting some.

A woman caught breastfeeding her hairless cat on a Delta flight.

She wasn't kitting around.

She whipped out her breast and started feeding her hairless cat.

A flight attendant told her repeatedly to stop and put her cat back in its cage, but the woman refused.

And then a message was sent through the aircraft communication addressing and reporting system to alert Delta crew.

In Atlanta, the passenger in seat 138 is is breastfeeding a cat and will not put the cat back in its carrier when a tent requested.

Then a photo of the message board was found, blah, blah, blah.

They don't have a picture of her actually doing it, which is shocking.

You'd figure everybody would have a camera out ready to take.

It's a rough one.

You're taking a picture of a woman's tit.

Yeah, but she's feeding a cat.

I mean, I think...

I think all bets are off when it's like, oh, all right, well, if it's a baby and you're taking pictures, you're a fucking fiend.

If it's a cat, you know.

Either way, there's going to be a continuity of people out there that's like, you can't take a picture of that woman's breast.

This ain't the fucking 90s anymore, bro.

I know, I know.

As much as we sometimes wish it was.

She had the cat swaddled up in a blanket so it looked like a baby.

Her shirt was up and she was trying to get the latch.

The cat's a latch, and she wouldn't put the cat back in the carrier.

And the cat was screaming for its life.

Why is that orange?

I don't know.

All right, there we go.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's running.

It's all right.

All right, this is a quick break.

So you're feeling on cats getting breastfeeding?

Well, look, I'm not going to say I'm in defense of this woman, but I will say that I understand that if you have a cat and it's a member of your family and you love this creature as you would love any other member of your family, I could see why in her mind the lines got blurred a little bit.

Like,

I have cats that I would, if this house was on fire, like I would run into, you know what I mean, to get them out.

Like, is that any fucking weirder than being like, well, I'll breastfeed the thing?

Like, I'm giving up my life for a fucking street creature I found.

I don't know.

I think so.

I feel it.

I feel that there's a difference.

Like, I think more people can relate to.

dashing into the house even if it's like in their mind like oh if my pet were this were happening to my pet this is the scenario in which i envision, you know, going.

So I think more people can relate to that than like in an effort to, like, they, I don't know if she's trying to feed the cat or she just wanted to hold the cat.

It's weird that she was letting it drink of her nipple.

Yeah.

I find that really odd.

There's no getting around that.

But

who's she hurting?

Everybody within eyesight, I guess.

But if like if people really, if like she's hurting nobody, if the blanket stuff's just a little bit higher.

Yeah.

But I mean, I think the giveaway was the cat screaming, like they said.

The cat's like,

oh, it was.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Look, it's not a good situation for the cat.

I don't think the woman should have done it.

She probably should definitely not be allowed to have the cat, but I understand like how a crazy person could cross that line.

Yeah.

Yeah, because cat people are like.

No pun intended here, special breed.

Yeah, man.

To love a cat is to love something that fucking only loves you back 20 of the time you know what i'm saying isn't it weird yeah or like they have like we have uh

uh hot what not hot i always call them hot pads they're not hot pads though they're like uh heating pads right and uh like each of the cats has one for downstairs but like i have one for my back in uh like right where i like where i lie on yeah

and if i get up

It's less than two seconds before the cat's like, fuck you.

Like, tries to get on get on the heating pad.

And I'm like, how much do you understand?

Yeah, all of it.

Yeah, it seems that way.

He understands that you were there and now you're not.

All he's going to say, it's wasted heat.

Yeah.

You're the asshole.

I fucked up.

Yeah.

So we got questions.

This was the plan.

We do have questions.

The first one

is from

Gina, formerly of Chuck.

She says, your thoughts on men's, men, man's.

Your thoughts on men's.

Why can't I read this?

Your thoughts on men getting pedicures.

Why do you say formally of Chuck?

It was a breakup.

They broke up?

Yeah.

This is the hottest gossip in Telum Steve Dave Town right now.

Are we allowed to discuss this?

I don't know much about it.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it was basically because Chuck moved.

Yeah, Chuck moved to get closer to work.

That's a very attractive lady.

I don't know if Chuck's going to be happy about that being on the free market.

I wouldn't be.

I wouldn't be.

But hey, I guess

Chuck's got to do what Chuck's got to do.

I don't know the ins and outs.

Is that why he lost the Pompadour?

It may be.

New Chuck.

For a new look.

I bet you that's what it is.

Other girls were like, I'm not putting up with that.

How ironic.

If he had ditched the pompadour before, he might not be single.

Yeah, I saw him the other day and it was good to see him.

And I was like, oh, you changed your hair.

It looks good now.

It looks a little more adult.

yeah yeah I think so like in um how are you familiar with Boardwalk Empire oh yeah I watched it yeah the one they corrected al Capone like stop wearing that fucking like that cap makes you look like a boy and then he gets his old he gets a real gangster hat oh I don't remember oh he's wearing like that newsboy cap yeah yeah yeah

yeah it's corrected by I think it's Johnny Torio Boardwalk Empire I recommend it if you haven't seen it so what okay so what do we got so so so Gina wants to know your thoughts on men getting pedicures

You know, I've seen some of these guys'

toenails out there.

And I think a few more men could get some pedicures.

They could use them.

Yeah, I don't go for them myself that often.

Like, that's like you're on vacation on somebody else's dime kind of thing.

Right.

Like, when they fly us in to do these fucking public appearances and stuff, and they give you like $100 credit at the spa, and you got to do something with it.

Then I'm all for it.

But in my everyday life, I just sort of clip them on my own.

But why?

What's going on?

You think Chuck got pedicures and it annoyed her no no she does it manicures and pedicures oh she does yeah she does oh i see

chuck out a pedicure and it made her furious yeah she saw him as less than a man and that's like oh yeah she's like i can't believe i allow this like it's either the hair or the toenails you can't have both

preferably neither i guess but uh and that's what made her so disgusted about him oh well i don't have a problem with them do you no not really i think um i don't get them because i would feel bad for the the lady who had to, because I have this one toenail with a bruise under it.

Oh, gnarly.

Yeah, otherwise, I think my toenails are pretty much in order.

Though it's getting harder and harder to clip them.

Is Mary Beth going to take that over for you?

Yeah, it'll be nice and thick at that point where she'll have to use like a little buzzsaw type thing, like a little Dremel.

It's fucking sparks flying off.

That poor woman, she has no idea what she's in for, right?

Nah, she knows.

She's a smart girl.

She thinks she's thought of that far ahead where she's like oh my god and like how long before he's like you see people like guys walking around that are hunched over like impossibly hunched over like what if that happened to me i think that she knows that no matter what that how long that period is

in her life it'll be over relatively soon

So she could deal with it.

She's like, just for a little bit.

Just for a little bit.

I'll probably still still be in my early 40s by the time this is done

oh god it's so true yeah

hey you gotta laugh um

but you know what i don't have much time left probably i should start getting pedicures now yeah why

on my on my deathbed i'm gonna be like oh my god thank god they didn't see my toenails yeah that's not gonna

do it

i'll let gina do it

Sure.

Then I'll tell Chuck all about it.

Oh, no.

Oh, I hope Chuck's not upset by this.

I I don't know Chuck well enough to know if he's the type of guy that would get like thrown by such a conversation.

I think Chuck can roll with it.

Yeah?

Yeah, I think Chuck's all right.

Between two cement heads.

So these guys,

what they did was,

I got to talk about something here.

Yeah.

All right.

Real fast.

We got an ad?

Yep.

We got two, as a matter of fact.

Everybody loves.

You want to bang them out back to back?

Yeah, why not?

All right, let's do it.

All right, first, we're talking Raycon.

By now, you've probably seen about a thousand gift guides for the holiday season.

Gifts for moms, gifts for guys, gifts for your neighbor's cousin's dog.

All right, I'm not going to read all this stuff.

Let's just talk about Raycon.

Yeah, you know.

I got them looking at my pair right now.

I use the, I can't remember, the E25s, I think.

I use them every night.

They fit right in your ear, and I put on like ocean sounds or sometimes like chiquitas, that kind of thing.

Yeah, that's what I like them for.

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All right.

That's Raycon right there.

And then here's one that's close to my heart, Mac Weldon.

Wearing Mac Weldon sweats right now.

I've committed almost entirely to wearing only Mac Weldon sweats for the entire winter.

That's not a bad thing.

I have that gray pair that I love, and they look good too.

They're not just like frumpy things.

Yeah, they're not like through the loom.

Yeah.

Like, you know, nothing against you guys.

You could stroll around the local supermarket, I think, in those Mac Weldons I have and still

get some.

Yeah.

And if you're a girl, I mean, they make them for women's do.

Yep.

Oh, God.

What would be more fetching than a lass?

That's a Mac Weldons.

It's a snug Mac Weldons buying a zucchini.

Look, you painted that picture all right.

Well, I'm sure the ad called for some personal, you know,

fantastic.

What am I doing here?

I'm delivering.

We're taking top-notch tops, best-selling bottoms, and accessories that will please even.

I can hardly read this, man.

Please, even the Scroogiest guy on your list with Mac Weldon.

Oh, maybe they don't have girl stuff.

Oh, well.

Hopefully, girls.

They could still cross-influenced

some.

They're pretty unisexy.

They're looking great in it.

uh with mac weldon your holiday heavy lifting will be complete within minutes um

something of a stickler when it comes to comfortable sweatpants and sweatshirts i was initially skeptical when i heard the hype around mac weldon's ace collection who talks like this is this you are you supposed to be saying this this is what i'm supposed to be reading right now oh my the the thing of us going to the supermarket is already better than this they got that

i mean in real life though like if somebody were like hey you know what i'm not gonna lie i'm not a fan of the cold feeling like a walking walking popsicle just doesn't stoop me.

Also, how many podcasts are you sending that copy to?

Like, everybody's supposed to say that?

I guess.

It's sure.

It's just an example.

Look, somebody got paid to write it, man.

And God bless them.

There's a lot of writing on this one.

We'll talk about Mac Weldon's warm knit collection that features shirts, innovative technology.

Oh, wait, shirts, vests, pajama pants, and more.

Chilly winter days are long behind you using innovative technology.

I need another hit.

This is

going and going.

Your own body heat to keep.

Oh, you use your own body heat, man.

So that's pretty environmental, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think what we're getting at here is gifts.

There's gift sets.

There's all kinds of stuff you can buy.

I really like, truly endorse this company.

I love Mac Weldon.

I love their t-shirts and I love their sweats especially.

And the sweats are basically, the shorts are just sweats cut off.

They're the same material and everything.

Got a few pairs of them.

And I buy this shit for anybody who's like, oh, yeah, you get it for fucking free, fat boy.

No, no, I don't.

Why are they calling fat boys?

I don't know because they're mean, they're vicious.

What are they so angry about?

I don't know, because I thought I got free sweats when I didn't.

Yeah, but like, I paid for them, god damn it.

Get off my back

that you're just suggesting something that you like.

Yeah, like, fuck you.

An angry person, man.

I know, I don't get it either.

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Mac weldon, get it right this holiday season.

Don't fuck up like you have in holidays past.

You fucking boomies.

Stupid pricks.

All right, let's see.

So we're okay with pedicures.

Yeah, all right, what's the next question?

All right, next question.

Let's see.

Uh

your favorite bad movie.

Favorite bad movie.

Woof.

Wow.

Well, I mean, I guess you could say

that,

like, you know, not every Friday 13th movie is a good one.

Right.

Like, Jason takes Manhattan.

Like,

should have been in Manhattan the whole time.

Not on a boat.

But...

Because, like, that's a one scene in Manhattan when he's in Times Square.

He's like the fucking best, man.

So, yeah, I wouldn't even count that as not a good movie.

Because I do love that movie.

Hmm.

I don't know.

This is what the people are looking for.

I don't know, man.

I fucking

never happened to me.

Let's pull it together.

This is why we can never do this again.

Favorite bad movie.

I don't know.

If I like it, I don't think it's a bad movie.

Yeah, it's tough because I was going to say, what is it?

Troll 2, I think.

Yeah.

I like that a lot.

It sucks.

Like,

it's too easy to say the room these days.

Yeah, I think, like,

I could appreciate films.

It's funny because I was watching The Meg the other day, which is not a good movie.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Went to movies, to the theaters.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I brought Sage.

But Jason Statham is so fucked.

I love that guy, man.

And I was watching it and I'm like,

does he show up to make the Meg?

knowing that it's going to be what it's going to be or does he think he's making the next jaws and then i was like no he shows up thinking he's going to make the meg and that's all right i'm like what was wrong this is a conversation i'm having to myself i'm like what's wrong with that like so what i that's a some people love that like who am i to say whether you what intentions are are good or bad and then i was just like well if that's the case then

even a bad movie is a good movie to someone who's who's saying what a bad movie is it's true it's all subjective yeah who's this person trying to fucking box me into a corner saying i like i don't know we're gonna block them though it's outrageous there's no such thing as a bad movie unless we're talking about.

Who is it?

Michael Haltry.

Oh, Michael Haltry.

What's up, man?

Everything's so subjective.

All right, what's another question?

I think we shanked that one.

How big is your penis if you put both of them together to make one bigger penis?

Wow, this is getting

outrageous, man.

Nobody wants to, I don't even want to contemplate these

docking.

They want us to dock?

I suppose, yeah.

I don't see how big that is.

I would not want to do that.

What would it matter?

Is walt okay yep we covered that oh here's a good one all right any chance of a space monkeys tour at some point

yeah or for that matter a telesteve dave tour now that walt is retired no walt will walt does not want to perform live

just so everybody knows i've asked him several times yeah i think he was like he would have unleashed covet himself If he thought it would get him out of that 10th anniversary show we were going to do.

Yeah.

no walt uh very very little hope of ever touring for walt again but i would do i would do shows sure

yeah why not so yeah there is hope yeah we could that answers your question

everybody else but me does it i'm in my camp i noticed that yeah everybody's out there everybody's out i'm the only one it's because we had to move those fucking

tour dates because we we don't release the new shoot schedule yet so everybody took advantage started filling in their solo stuff people are asking me when am i going out and And my answer is, I'm not.

I'm not going to.

But I would go with you.

I would go do shit with you.

That would be fun.

Yeah.

I don't want to do anything alone.

Oh, it sounds horrible.

Yeah, like going to a comedy club and staying the night and all that shit.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know anybody.

A lot of times they're not in major cities.

Yeah,

I think Sal and Jill and Murray get something out of it that I don't.

Yeah.

I mean, they'd have to be because they're doing it.

Hmm.

Well, there you go well maybe i'm just afraid brian do you think that's it maybe i'm just afraid to go out on my own like maybe like i'm used to working within the secure confounds of of a team where i'm not solely responsible for anything

well i think what like

what sal does and what murray does are like they're pretty much two separate things right doesn't murray do a q a yeah murray does like a q a almost like kevin used to do right yeah that sort of thing so i think that's different than

like doing what Sal does, which is like you're up there and it's only you, and you're, you know, unless you do crowd work, which isn't really respecting anyone.

No, no, Sal's, I would say Sal has a,

yeah, he has a higher level of skill, his show,

but I wouldn't say that what Murray does requires no skill.

Like, you still got to get it.

I'm saying that I think you have the skill to do that.

Oh, yeah.

No, I, I, I'm like, there's no reason you couldn't go up and people like

100%.

Yeah, and I've done it.

I did it a few times at

the

comedy club up in Manhattan that we play pool at.

Fryers Club.

I did a couple of Q ⁇ A's up there, but I just did it to gather material for the live show, and I ended up using none of it.

So I probably wouldn't do it again.

And

I don't know.

I guess they just get something out of it.

I could do it.

I could do stand-up if I wanted.

I don't think stand-up's some mystical thing that people can't figure out.

You know what I mean?

Any comedian listening to this right now is like, oh,

I respect the art as much as I respect any art, but like, that's all.

You know what I mean?

I don't think I cannot do it.

Right.

I don't think I could do it at the level of like a fuck, probably not even, definitely not the level that Sal can, but like, I believe I could do it.

I just.

You could be an open micer.

Yeah, I could do whatever, man.

I can get out there and work at it and do it.

I just don't want to.

No interest, huh?

What am I going to do, man?

You know,

what do you want from me?

I'm home.

I got a lot of interest.

I'm reading books now.

I'm reading books again.

Yeah, what have you been reading?

I'm reading this fucking biography on Cornelius Vanderbilt.

Oh, it's fucking awesome, man.

Yeah, it's called The First Tycoon.

That guy was a maniac.

He's like the most combative asshole ever.

Oh, yeah.

It's so much fun to read.

And the way this guy writes, it makes it play out almost like a, like, it's clearly a biography, but he plays it out almost like a novel.

It's pretty great.

So that

reading that, Brian?

I understand you've had your fill of forensic files.

You were watching it for a while, and I can't take it anymore.

You just can't watch it.

Yeah, well, I had forensic files on.

It's kind of like a background thing, and then it's just realized every time I was walking into my living room, like by the sixth day, I was like, I can't take it anymore.

It's like it's always someone's dead, and then people who are upset about it, and they're crying, and then the suspects are always these pitiful creatures, like just skells that you wouldn't change spaces with for anything.

You'd be like, inject me with cancer before I had to live their lives.

And

24 hours a day for six weeks, it was on my television in the living room, and I couldn't take it anymore.

I needed a break.

That was months ago.

I haven't been able to go back since.

That's what I fell asleep to.

That was so funny.

I don't know why.

It's just the death in the mayhem is soothing.

Yeah, wow.

I don't know.

It's just, because it's i it i don't know it actually should i should have tried to fall asleep to it because it keeps you engaged

um

but there's just uh

there's something about just watching these guys work through with the dna and all that other like work through like motherfuckers who are like

they're uh they're like they haven't been caught in 25 years but now there's this new uh yeah this new dna method and they're like now you're busted it's like how long you know you commit a crime and kill somebody

you're looking over your shoulder first day, second day, first month, second month.

You're looking over your shoulder for a while.

When do you stop?

Do you think you ever stop?

I mean, I guess you hit the 15-year mark.

You're like, I fucking did it.

I got away with it.

Right.

Yeah.

But I felt like I never saw those episodes or those episodes only happen every once in a while.

And most of the times it's some woman who couldn't afford rent.

So she got into a car to blow a dude for 20 bucks and then got a like brains beat in.

And then you find out that her boyfriend was pimping her out.

And this is an actual case you're gonna make me fall asleep i'm gonna get so soothing

and it's like it's all horrible it's just all horrible stories of horrible shit happening to fucking

what the heck is that it's an alarm going off

all right we're back

what happened it was just an alarm in the house i guess one of the cats like nudges one of the sensors or some shit good god these cats so what were we talking about we were talking about

forensic files oh yeah uh you know we probably drained that anyway well you got another another question?

Of course.

Always questions.

Let me see.

Nobody's asking for advice.

They're just.

Yeah.

What book could you read over and over?

Dark Tower series by Stephen King.

I read them a lot.

That's yours?

That's probably, yeah, one of the books I read.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxies.

I've read, fuck, I couldn't even tell you how many times.

I probably read them like once every year and a half.

Oh, yeah.

I think for me, it probably would be Catcher in the Rye.

I've read several times.

And maybe a couple Stephen King books.

Yeah, like Pet Cemetery.

I'll probably read a bunch more before I die.

There's just too many fucking books out there that you'd like to read the same shit over and over again.

Yeah.

What else do we got here?

We got the scene that I was in for the Impractical Jokers that didn't make it.

The Impractical Jokers movie.

Oh, that was at a...

We weren't in Sturdis.

We were somewhere down south at a biker bar during a biker weekend event.

And the four of us guys were going out and

saying our wacky, impractical things to bikers.

And

that was the bit.

And it was a pretty fucking strong bit.

And then Brian played a character called the stoker where we would send him in and he would make the situation worse.

So if I was out there

giving a biker a parking ticket for some stupid reason, Brian would come over just as I got the situation under control.

Brian would come over and say something like, this is motherfucker who gave you a ticket to

something like that to stoke the situation and make it worse.

And it was a fucking great bit and it was really funny.

We were all super happy with it.

Brian did great.

And the audio department,

and I think the guy that worked that day got fired.

Lost, either lost or never properly recorded the audio.

We had nothing.

We had zero audio for the entire day.

Yeah.

Oh, that's not true.

My turn had audio, but nobody else did.

So that's it.

That's why.

Secrets out.

Somebody fucked up.

We were hoping to use the footage of me and you in the end credits, but we lost control of the end credits.

As you could tell by the fucking

Lord of the Rings-esque music that plays for fucking 20 minutes.

It's like the comedy ends, and then you hear dun dun dun dun dun dun burr.

And you're like, what the fuck is this?

And you're waiting for those like those post-credit like hijinks.

CS scenes.

We were supposed to have them.

I don't know what we lost control of them.

I guess nobody was paying attention to the end credits.

People's names are spelled wrong.

Was that weird?

It was weird, but so there you go.

That's it.

Let's see.

What else do we got here?

Holy Walter here.

Snowmiser or Heat Miser?

Oh, I couldn't give a shit either way.

I don't even know what you mean.

Do I like the little figure better?

What is the attitude?

I guess probably the attitude of each.

Were there attitude?

Were they off?

I thought they were both bad guys.

They are both bad guys, but like,

I feel like Snowmiser is a little bit more prim and proper, and like Heat Miser is just like

your everyday Joe kind of guy.

I'm going to go for the Heat Miser then.

Yeah, I like Heat Miser better, too.

Like, Snowmiser is the type that would tell.

Tell their mother out of Mother Nature, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking piece of shit.

Little bitch.

little fucking rat bitch oh q you'll like this

you have to survive 24 hours in a horror movie of your choice what movie are you choosing and what's your plan for survival

um

all right that's a that's a good that's a good one

well the question begs the question like

Like for me, like, okay, so my favorite movie is The Shining.

So I'm like, oh, would I pick The Shining?

Because it's like, it's only me versus one person, pretty much.

Whereas if it's a Jason thing where like the guy has an axe and he seems unstoppable.

Yeah, that's rough.

Well, see, I was thinking like I would go like the blob

and

just hang out in a freezer for the 24 hours.

Hey, that's a good idea.

What the fuck?

A blob came get me in there.

The blob.

So I just chill on my fucking keister, like the fucking chill meister.

Whatever the fuck is the snowmeister

getting all prim and proper in my fucking cooler while the fucking blob tries to make its way in.

And I'm like, no, no.

Whenever the fucking frozen meister talks.

He would definitely, if he smokes cigarettes, he would definitely have a cigarette holder.

Like, he's that guy.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

Okay.

The blob.

The blob, then.

Yeah.

See, I would have, like, when I thought the shiny, I'm like, I would really want to be a part of it.

I would want to see all the ghosts and shit, you know?

What's one that you wouldn't want to be in, no matter what?

Probably something like Saw.

Yeah, so Hellraiser.

Hellraiser is another tough one.

Because you see Centabytes coming coming at you, you know, whatever follows.

I mean, these motherfuckers get off on pain.

Yeah.

It's going to hurt.

Like, anything you conjured up in life is nothing compared to what these guys are about to do.

Now, the worst I can come up with is like my dick in a blender, and they're like,

you don't even know.

Like, we phased that out decades ago.

Yeah, that shit was too soft.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be, I guess, in a Hellraiser.

But Saw is another one.

I don't want to be tortured to death.

Something like Scream seems like you probably could get away.

Yeah, I mean.

Except those are just humans.

They're humans, and like all I have to do is not make dumb decisions like they do in those movies.

And I'd be fine.

Jaws, I just stay on the beach.

Yeah, if you didn't go in the water, you'd be all right.

You're fine.

Lots of people survive those attacks.

Most people do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not everybody's that Kitner boy.

Oh, no.

Poor Alex Kittner.

Oh, you knew.

What else do we got?

Let's see.

They're asking about your cats, how they're doing.

They're doing great.

Did Q have a fake tattoo of his cats on the Bowling Patreon?

On the what?

I guess, I don't know, on the Bowling Patreon, they're like, did you have a fake tattoo?

Oh, you know what?

I might have.

I think I did on my forearm.

Did you?

Yeah.

I think I did, actually.

That's a good catch.

Where did you get a fake tattoo?

I had some people over.

I think you were there, actually,

in the pool, and Sal brought over, he brought over a bushel bushel of fucking

temporary tattoos just because Sal's that he's just that type of guy.

He shows up with the fun, and we put them on.

I think I had one on my forearm.

Yeah, I didn't get one.

Well, yeah, it was a sharp eye then.

Almost too sharp.

It causes concern.

Yeah.

Okay, so Kyla wants to know if she should jump off.

Should she drive off a bridge?

I mean, she says kidding, just kind of, though.

Okay, well, you shouldn't.

No.

No.

Because you're going to ruin your car.

Oh, God.

You're probably not going to die.

You'll probably get fucking, like, paralyzed or some

shit like that.

Or maimed end paralyzed, and now everybody just talks at you.

You're using up resources and shit because you couldn't get your shit together.

I know, and all you had to do is not drive off a bridge.

You could have done anything.

You could have just went to a movie.

Yeah.

If you drove off a fucking bridge.

Take an axanax, go to sleep.

Fucking chill out.

I mean, fuck it.

If somebody's going to tell you to drive off a bridge, you do heroin, I'll do the heroin.

Yeah, you know.

Look how many people you've inconvenienced now, Kyla.

You're wasting our time.

And something I have to read about, like some little blurb up, and like I'm gonna be interested because it's New Jersey, you know.

That's how you filter your news.

No, it's actually a pretty good question.

All right, yeah, I'd say don't.

I'd say don't, but I get it.

Don't self-harm, please.

favorite mainstream pizza chain

chain well what is mainstream

you're probably talking like dominoes little caesars pizza hut oof that kind of thing

i mean if we're gonna turn back the hands of time to the heyday

it would have been pizza hut all the fucking way

but i feel like pizza hut has lost

the magic that once defined pizza hut for me.

Do you think

it was lost by them?

Or it was just you growing up and being like, it just doesn't have that.

Like, I was wondering recently, I was like, why the fuck do little kids like to go to McDonald's so much anymore?

Because they don't have the characters around.

No.

It's not like, you know, you haven't been able to go to the playground for two years.

Yeah, it tastes good.

It's fun.

It's fun to eat that food.

Yeah.

I think so.

You don't have a blast when you're eating McDonald's.

It is pretty fun, but it's afterwards, like, by 20 minutes, and I'm like, why did I do that?

Yeah, but I'm talking about kids.

They don't experience that.

They digest and shit that stuff out immediately.

Us, it hits differently.

Fucking kids.

Yeah.

What were we talking about?

Oh, favorite pizza chain.

Oh, yeah.

Back in the day, Pizza Hut.

I loved it.

Loved it.

Today, I don't know if I would, I don't know if they'd be my go-to anymore.

Yeah.

You know what happened is

they started getting rid of the red fucking roof buildings.

You started seeing those getting turned into banks and fucking Walmarts and shit like that, right?

And then they became what everybody else was.

They became the cubby hole.

Like they're just in a store.

Right.

They're in a bank of stores.

Yeah.

That's not Pizza Hut.

That's pizza fucking, what do they call those things?

Row frame store.

That doesn't sound the same.

I want a hut when I go to Pizza Hut.

Right.

There are no more huts.

In fact, all the huts around us have moved.

Where the hut once stood on Staten Island on Highland Boulevard, like right there, I shit you not.

It was in the middle of a fucking giant paved parking lot, right?

The parking lot is still there.

The parking lot is still paved.

It's asphalt.

They tore the pizza hut down.

The hut is gone, and

they left it fallow.

And now it's a field in the middle of a parking lot.

And the other day I drove past that little field

and it looked so small to me.

And I thought about the good times that I had in that Pizza Hut, and there were many.

We used to go to that on lunch break at Farrell.

Montenegro Farrell used to cut class to go and have Pizza Hutt and it'd be all-you-could-eat buffet for like six bucks.

And we had the metabolism of 17-year-olds, so we just don't.

I had a lot of good times in that pizza hut, and it's literally just a field now in the middle of an

asphalt field.

It's really weird.

There's something poetic about it.

That shit you gave me is really good.

I don't know.

It is weird when you see like, like you have your memories, but

that's the only place in the world some of this shit exists anymore.

You know, unless like maybe you took a picture of it.

Like there are places that like I can remember vividly from being a kid, but I don't think I'd ever be able to find a picture of it to be like, oh yeah, that is exactly how I remember, you know?

Yeah.

So it's whatever.

My brain has manifested over the years.

Yeah, I think of my grandmother's house that was torn down and it's like I could almost as if I'm like in a first-person shooter in a video game, could walk around the house in my head and know what the light switches were and stuff like that.

And it was torn down 10 years ago.

Sad shit, bro.

I know.

Why are they bringing this shit up?

I don't know.

Pizza hut, man.

I just feel like I'm about to die.

Yeah, pizza hut.

You're about to drive off a bridge.

Now I would probably, I mean, it's all shit now, right?

But I'd probably go dominoes, maybe.

Yeah, I think I'd go dominoes as well.

And

I can't stay with a pizza place long enough to say, oh, that's my favorite pizza because so many of them fuck you over on deliveries and shit.

I can't stand it.

Well, Ambrosinos on Staten Island

will always be my pizzeria.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

Maybe you don't have what it takes to hang on a pizzeria, my friend.

I don't know.

When I order and they send half the order and then you call and they're like, well, we can't get it there for 45 minutes because we're busy.

Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, but now somebody doesn't have dinner, asshole.

That's crazy.

Yeah, like it's insane.

And I know they must be able to tell that we order frequently or did anyway I've I have I've boycotting probably three to four different pizzerias right now

because they're assholes

all this business and then they don't give a fuck at all about you man yeah

yeah they don't care burn up your garlic bread I call up I'm like hey man my garlic bread's burned up they bring it like an hour later I'm like

You should just give me the money back.

Yeah.

Why the fuck do I want garlic bread an hour after you brought dinner, fuckos?

Yeah, it doesn't doesn't make a lot of sense, but I guess they're like you're rolling the dice when you fucking call with us, bro.

They're like, you know, sometimes we only deliver.

Only sometimes.

So Nate Diggity, you can only listen to one album for the rest of your life.

What are you choosing?

Would you kill others to get more albums?

I actually like the second part of that question more.

So you're in a post-apocalyptic world.

Probably Wildflowers by Tom Petty.

There's only one copy and some fucking schmo has it and you're like, I know I can take him.

Post-apocalyptic, though.

I mean,

if I kill him, if I kill this man,

are there other things that I gain aside from the album?

Does he have a stash of food?

I'm sure he has other stuff, yeah.

So it's like, I kill him, I get the album, but also I get substance.

Like tons of like surprises that you don't even know.

Like he can't take his wife and he can't take his kid.

I leave them to die.

what do you care you're on the move okay no it's post-apocalyptic you're looking for albums

do i give him the option first to just hand over the album

yeah i mean if you were a civil human being so i so in this post-apocalyptic wasteland i i kindly knock on his door his hovel door Because you heard it playing.

And I say, hey, man, here's the deal.

What you've got, I want.

And I'm going to give you the opportunity to just give it to me.

But if you don't, I'm going to kill you, leave your wife and daughter to starve and die and take anything if you want that I like.

And he still says no, fuck off.

Well, then I

did everything I could.

I'm getting that album.

You got to get the album.

I got to get the album.

You know?

And maybe, maybe his wife

and or daughter look at me and they're like, so that's what a real man looks like.

Yeah.

So his daughter daughter is like real hot and like 20, so you can kill the wife too.

Because she's just going to be an extra baggage.

I mean, yeah, yeah.

But like, yeah, like, maybe they're like, maybe they're both like, wow, this is, I can't believe this is what a real man's like.

Southern one just sat around listening to fucking Tom Petty crying.

Her dad was a sissy.

Who knows?

But post-apocalyptic, yeah,

you got to do what you got to do.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Let's see.

Have we ever met Bill Burr?

Yes, I did meet Bill Burr.

Yeah, I met him.

Nice.

But my Bill Burr anecdote, I wouldn't dare call it a story, is he came with Joe DeRosa.

Joe DeRosa brought him down to the stash one time

when they were playing Cal Basie in Redback.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to bring Bill into the store tomorrow.

So Bill Burr came in with Joe, and they were looking around and stuff.

And I said, hey, I did something I fucking never do.

I gave him a compliment.

And this is not a guy who wants to take compliments from random people.

Yeah.

You can just tell, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Then I was like, oh, I'm a dick.

I should have just said nothing.

Why did I have to say something?

You're that guy.

I know.

I'm the kind of guy you hate when you're at the Joker show.

And I'm like, Q, Q,

I like that joke you said.

It was very impractical.

No, I don't mind that.

That sounds like, I mean, that seems a little bit sensitive to

get upset at that.

Oh, I think he's just that guy.

Yeah, he's just that guy.

I don't know.

I met him.

He was super nice.

Yeah.

I think him and Sound love each other.

Like, well, I don't really run in those circles.

He's buddies with all those comedians.

Yeah.

Could you break into that?

I think so.

Like we were talking about earlier, your new stand-up career.

Yeah, I think so.

You met enough of them already.

Fucking me and DeRosa,

we're chums.

We went on a fucking eight-hour drinking spree spree the other day.

He respects you as a friend.

Yeah.

But would he respect you as a comedian?

I think so, because I don't think I would be so bad at it that they would be embarrassed for me.

You know?

Yeah.

I don't think that

they would, you know.

I just want to pretend I don't know the guy.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, why wouldn't they?

Look, we're coming, like, even Sal, I know, like, I always felt like he didn't feel this way.

Sal didn't feel like having the TV show earned him any respect in that world.

But I don't know.

I didn't feel that way about it.

I was like, dude, you've been, you know how hard it is to have a career that lasts as long as you do on TV?

He's been the guy's been on TV 10 years on a fucking hidden camera show, and it's still funny.

And people love the show.

And it's like...

Why wouldn't they respect that?

Why wouldn't they be like, I wish that were me?

Yeah, well,

right?

So it's like, so, but, but Sal, but, you know, he probably did it the right way.

Sal went in so humble and like,

I'm earning respect and I'm working.

Not that I'm saying I wouldn't do that, but like he really took it almost like a probie going into the firehouse being like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna earn any respect I get, which is fucking, I admired.

I like the idea of you just showing up like, oh, the party has arrived.

Day one.

Slap on a Hawaiian shirt with a fucking bike horn.

I'm like,

I could probably sell tickets.

Somebody would buy them.

Somebody would buy them.

I'd check it out.

I'll do a Q ⁇ A in the middle of it.

It'll be fine.

Let's see.

Let me find another question.

If you could guest star on any TV show, what would it be?

Oh, man.

I would like to do Law and Order SVU.

I'd love to do that.

Yeah.

Law and Order SVU?

That seems, hasn't everyone been in that?

Everybody's in it.

I don't think it's unattainable, but I just, I'm not the guy that's ever like.

Can I be in it?

Yeah, I just wouldn't do it.

So that might be one.

Well, this could get back to what's his name, Dick Wolf.

Oh, you think Dick Wolf listens to Space Monkey?

I think he might.

He listens to the non-Walt episodes.

I think that would be a fun one.

That's the first one that pops into mind.

But really, like, what we do in the shadows, how fucking cool would that be?

That'd be pretty cool.

We get to dress up and shit.

Yeah.

Trying to think of shows up.

there.

I think anything, literally anything would be cool.

Like, people are like fucking, even shows I don't watch, I would be like, oh, that's fun.

Yeah, I'll come do it.

Why not?

Why the fuck cannot?

What else are you doing?

I ain't doing shit.

Doing fucking podcasts.

The lowest form of entertainment.

Something literally anyone could do.

It's like, can you afford a microphone?

Then guess what?

You're in business.

Yeah, you're a podcaster.

You're my peer.

I'm not sure who

this one is

directed to.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm not sure if that's directed towards you or me.

Well, why would you ask a question like that?

I don't know.

I definitely don't know.

That's sad.

The sum total of bad decisions, genetic mistakes.

Yeah, brain chemicals, but

I mean, you know.

I don't know.

I don't have an answer for that.

I mean, if I did, did,

maybe I wouldn't feel the way I feel all the time.

Well, you know, you could be like, well, there was this self-hatred thing, and then that came from like really what it was, it just boils down to a lack of self-respect, which boils down to like a lack of self-confidence.

And once you realize that the reason everything sucks is because you think you're an asshole,

you know, you can start working from that position, which is what happened for me.

When did that realization come?

This could be

earth-shattering for some listeners.

It could be like it's right around the corner for me.

For me, it wasn't until really the fire department was 28, but I would say really my mid-30s, my early mid-30s,

before I started being like, what the fuck's this?

I'm not that bad.

Yeah.

I'm not just not that bad of a guy.

You know what I mean?

Why am I proving myself to you people?

Yeah, to myself.

Like,

why am I an asshole?

I mean, you look at it and you're like, why am I an asshole?

I'm like, I guess

just because I say I am, and that's a sad thing.

So you shake it off, right?

Yeah, it's like

telling a girl, like, no, you

don't, like, this isn't wrong with you.

Whatever flaw you're seeing, that like it's not there.

Yeah, you look beautiful.

Yeah.

No.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it.

Bitches.

If you could live in any decade for the rest of your life, what decade would you pick?

That's a good question.

Yeah.

For me, it'd be the 70s.

1870s.

Diphtheria bound.

I figured you were going to say 70s.

Yeah, that would be the most fun decade, I think.

It had it all.

Had the music, had the movies, had the TV, had the drugs, had the sex.

Yeah, it was before AIDS.

Before AIDS, just got a little fucking come down with a little case of

gonorrhea.

Every once in a while.

It's a small price to pay.

Wait, when you say living the rest of your life?

Yeah.

Yeah, because I mean, who knows how long it's going to be.

But now I'm like in my 50s in the 70s?

Or am I like...

No, I think it's you now in the 70s.

You know, in the 70s.

Why?

I think you would fly then, no?

You think so?

Got that groovy beard, you know?

That's true.

It is groovy.

Yeah.

All the fucking chicken.

It's funny.

Because in my mind, it's like I would probably, for me, be the 90s.

Because I loved it so much.

You loved the 90s?

I thought you would have been more of loving in the 80s.

Yeah, the 80s were okay, but really it was like when I was fucking starting to cut loose and shit like that, it was the 90s.

Girls and stuff like that.

So,

yeah.

All right.

Well, there you go.

I would have ended up in the 70s.

People like, look how old this motherfucker is.

I'm like, what?

I can't go to the disco too?

I'm too old to do Coke.

I'll probably have a heart attack.

No, dude.

No.

Come on, man.

You could do some Coke in the 70s.

there's a couple little bumps yeah

i'll get some qualudes you could go back and like open a bar man like you could be the man you got to make yourself the man

it doesn't matter how old you are if you're the guy with the keys to the liquor cabinet bro like a like a studio uh 54 type yeah like a what was his name tony something the other studio 54 guy yeah um the owner of it was steve ravel

yeah you could be the steve ravel of like lyndonhurst oh i would love it man.

It's just like some people I'd be like, you can't come in.

Whatever you fucking want to do, bro.

It's the 70s.

Nobody gives a shit how people treat each other back then.

Yeah, it was expected.

Dude, and you could fucking, you could even hate hippies and shit like that.

I know they were mostly gone by then, but you know what I mean?

You could be like these fucking shiftless layabout bitches.

It won't matter what you say.

Right.

Because you own the bar, and that's all anybody cares about.

They don't like hearing it all the time, but the bar is good enough.

They're going to come anyway.

And another thing about those hippies that aren't around anymore

that must be something you own a bar and people come like in spite of you yeah and well i know a few bars like that where i where i wouldn't like the owners but i like the staff

huh sal's bar snooch

Did you buy CB radios?

And if so, what locations have you contacted?

We never did buy CB radios.

That was one of the many things that just die.

Oh, here's a good one, Q.

If you're on celebrity deathmatch and you're allowed to choose your opponent, who are you fighting?

Does that mean the MTV claymation one or I'm fighting someone to the death?

I think you're the claymation Q.

Oh, okay.

But you get to choose any opponent you want.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Houdini.

I want to fight Houdini?

Yeah, but he's got to be like a tricksy, like magic Houdini.

Like where he's doing tricks in the middle of the fight.

Because I think that

people would be like, who the fuck is that?

People still know Houdini?

Or my.

Oh, yeah, I think so.

Right.

I think we get it.

Yeah, people would get the Houdini reference.

Yeah, I'd like to fight Houdini.

All right.

What about you?

I don't know.

I was trying to think, like, maybe...

I'm trying to think what

celebrity I hate.

Oh, you're not going just for an interesting fight?

No, I'm thinking like maybe.

Like Jennifer Garner, you had a heart on for a while.

Yeah, me and Jennifer Garner in a celebrity deathmatch.

Yeah, you were pretty.

And she's like, why aren't I here?

Where's the other celebrity?

Yeah, it was a rough fucking week for me when 13 Going on 30 came out.

You were so angry at that poster.

It's corny bullshit, man.

You were like, look at her.

What is she smiling at?

What the fuck she's so happy about?

Oh, let's go see see the movie.

Oh.

Fanciful bullshit.

Nonsense.

Fanciful.

Oh, all right.

All right.

This is a fuck Mary Kill with three guys.

I'm not going to answer that.

Enough with the nonsense.

If we were girls.

If you were both girls in this lifetime, what would you be doing with your life?

Who would be your BFFs?

Who would be the prettier one?

What's your relationship like?

Oh, my God.

That's a lot of questions.

That's not just one question.

Yeah, that's...

I can't paint that picture for you.

I don't know.

That's too much.

That's too layered a question, Justina.

Sorry.

You fucked up.

Well, it was a

thoughtful question, but I can't get into that now.

Who would win in a fight between a baboon and a badger?

A baboon.

Really?

I think?

I think I'd be.

I'm thinking honey badger?

A badger?

Isn't the badger like

this big?

Yeah, but they're like vicious as hell.

Like honey badger?

Fucking baboon.

Don't they rip people's faces off and shit?

I don't know.

That's a good question.

If you had had the means,

you probably do,

to sanction a baboon versus honey badger fight.

Yeah.

Would that be animal cruelty, you'd think?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that.

I think that would be a stain on your otherwise.

Well, not even for what other people thought of me, just because I wouldn't want to live with that in myself.

But how the fuck else are we going to know?

Yeah, but other people being secondary to my own internal feelings.

Because I would agree with them.

I would be like, I deserve everything they're saying.

Sopranos versus The Wire.

I never saw The Wire.

Oh, you did?

It's good.

I have it.

A fan gifted me

The Wire on Blu-ray

when they redid it with DI definition.

And I do always mean to get to it, but I never do.

It's pretty good.

And except for second season, which is like all this Greek shit.

Like they don't.

They spend time with these Greek guys who work at the docks and it's all crooked and all kinds of shit.

But if you can get through second season,

it has, I think, one of the best, if maybe not the best villain, villainess

in TV history.

Yeah,

this girl Snoop.

She's like dead-eyed fucking sociopathic killer.

She's so fucking good.

What season is Snoop in?

I think she shows up in season three, I believe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Three or four, I guess.

Well, you've intrigued me.

I'll start watching.

Yeah.

It's like, it took me a while to get into it.

Like, I had like one or two false starts yeah but then once i got into it i really liked it all right yeah it's good

and then uh let's see we uh i don't know how this episode's faring for people oh i know yeah we should we should say yeah it's been like over an hour we should say goodbye take like a take one last question and dial it in just in case we're totally fucking this up all right okay i don't see how people do this all the time perform

while under the influence this seems it would be impossible like joe rogan i just i think it would be impossible to like perform in any real way while under this spell of this woman, this Mary Jane.

Oh, there's some nonsense questions.

Will my rash ever go away?

Oh, come on.

All right.

I hope they really answered this.

We could just say goodbye, I guess.

I mean, if they're throwing this at us, you're not seeing anything good.

No.

We don't say goodbye here.

You know what we say?

Yeah, we say peace, assholes.