#490: Balls!!!

A Marmoset took a shine to me.

I'm a fucking adult.

I don't like balls.

I don't like Daisy.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Dave.

Who's here?

Walt.

Go.

Oh, Walt's here.

Who's who else?

Q.

Hey, bud.

Q, you're here.

And waiting in the wings for his five-mile walk is Get Him Steve Dave.

I don't know if you can see him.

I see him.

Yeah, I see him out there on the couch.

Yes.

Hey, bud, how you doing?

He's resting up prior to.

He can hear you.

All right.

He just picked up his phone.

I think he's going to text me.

Oh, boy.

I should be sunning in fun in a Q's place right now.

I know, but there's no sun and no fun.

I know.

I was going to suggest that you come up tonight and we watch Ghostbusters anyway.

Just watch finally tackle that Ghostbusters.

Oh, shit.

I thought you meant that you've had gotten an advanced copy of Ghostbusters.

Oh, no, I wouldn't be on this podcast if I had an advanced copy of Ghostbusters.

I'm looking forward to that movie more than any

Marvel movie that's coming down the pike.

Yeah, that was me.

I could hear myself in your voice when I was talking about King Kong versus Godzilla.

And,

you know, my dreams were shattered, and

I'll never feel that way ever again.

No, I don't think about any other movie coming down the pike.

You know, that was my childhood and

just

the boy in me shining through.

And then I was slapped around and

water thrown in my face.

I was like, you're

50 years old, you fucking moron.

That wasn't water.

That was piss.

Yeah, I mean, but the only good thing is, though, like, even though you may never look forward to it again and you may not, like, get excited about it again, somebody may one day in your lifetime make a kick-ass

Godzilla vs.

King Kong.

Maybe in 15 years, somebody takes another swing at it.

I do think this is the last chance that Ghostbusters has

with the original cast.

Certainly, yeah, like this is it.

Like,

if this isn't a good send-off for Bankman and the boys, then I'll never get it.

You're probably right.

This could be the last

shot at

the pinata here for these guys.

But I mean, it feels like why they wait so long anyway, though.

I have no clue.

I don't know.

I wish they had it.

I wish

Egon was still in the movie and stuff like that.

Although, I'm sure he's going to be in the movie.

You can't have a movie about ghosts, right?

And have one of the leads die and then not have him in the movie, right?

Like, you have the

perfect way to do it.

You have the well, I mean,

you have the story.

Like, Egon's ghost should be in the movie, right?

Like, why would there be all these other ghosts and not Egon's?

Well, that's really like

getting dicey then.

That's like the hologram of

Puffy, isn't it?

No, because

he's dead in the movie.

Big Egyptian.

Or Tupac.

I just let it go.

I knew what he meant, so I I just let it go.

Puffy.

I don't think they ever called him Puffy, do they?

Something was named Puffy.

Puffed out.

They were puffed out of it.

No, I think they're not bringing him back.

It's his ghost.

It's the character's ghost in the movie.

I don't see why you wouldn't use his likeness to bring that back.

You'd have to get his

estate's permission.

I got to imagine that's easy.

For ghostbusters?

It's probably a matter of green, right?

Everything's a matter of green, right?

No, I don't think so.

Not everything.

What's not?

I mean, give me some.

Have I mentioned Myundies this week?

The amount of you, do you get?

I never get texts from Bri ever.

But yet the only text I ever get.

What are we doing a show?

We got ants.

Dude.

My balls are being ridden like we have Manscape this week.

That Manscaped shit came to my house.

Oh, you finally got it, huh?

It's awesome, man.

We're going to roll right into it.

We're going to roll right into it then.

This is going to be the earliest commercial I think we've ever done, less than five minutes into the show.

Yeah, no, but it's good.

It's so good.

It deserves, you know, to lead off the show, practically.

Front and center.

Support for Tellum Steve Dave is brought to you by Manscaped.

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Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for your family jewels.

Manscaped just launched their fourth-generation trimmer, the lawnmower.

4.0.

Yes, you heard that right, Walt.

The 4.0.

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And then they have some talking points for us.

Can you imagine shaving with a sleek, well-designed, and optimized trimmer that makes shaving time your favorite time in the bathroom?

This is something that I already used.

I already used this.

And I also have the one for your back.

Like, it has that extendable arm because I hate having hair on my back.

Oh, I didn't even know that existed.

The one they sent me was the nose, the nose hair trimmer.

Yeah, you got the nose hair trimmer.

As a middle-aged Italian-American man, I got to tell you, I appreciate it.

Dude, I'm not even Italian, and I got to say, my nose hair grows back so fucking quickly.

Sometimes I just rip it out, and it still comes back.

Wait, is it a problem for you with that much hair on your face, though?

Because no one can really tell where it begins and where it ends.

Right, that's true, too.

Only me.

Only Only I'm like, everyone's paying attention.

Really, anybody can really notice, like, there's a hair that's like, that's coming out of your beat, out of your mustache, or it's coming out of your nose.

Who's really going to notice it?

Well, maybe like Mary Beth, if she's up close and she's looking, because she is shorter, so she looks up at me, and I'm like, oh.

I don't trim my nose hair.

You got to do it.

You got to do it.

And, I mean, who wants to have a thick thatch of unruly hair down there anyway, right?

Nothing worse, man.

Nothing worse.

I got the box, too, the big fat gift box.

And

I used almost all of the,

what's it called, utensils?

Yeah.

All the attachments?

I tried every one of them.

Shaved everything.

Except one of the lotions I didn't do.

And I drew a blood.

I nicked myself because I'm not used to shaving in there.

You gave yourself a nice landing strip?

I think we're supposed to not say that you got nicked.

Why?

Do you have to cut that out?

Because it's part of their fucking whole thing is you don't get nicked.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So here I am using this.

But it wasn't.

You know what, though?

I have to be honest with you.

If you have to take it out, I'll just stop.

It was just such a teeny, tiny little nick, and it stopped bleeding right away.

And which I was really thankful for.

I was really thankful for because it's an area where that's never been nicked before.

So I was like, oh, wow, this is what do I do here?

And then, but you know what?

It was nothing.

It was such a minor,

minor little nick that it didn't.

So you were out of control before this, so it stands to reason that hitting it the first time,

unschooled in the ways of landscaped.

Yeah, now I know how to hold it and everything.

And, you know, okay.

I chewed up my nuts.

What is this shit?

I did not nick because I'm the well-versed in

shaving black.

But I do.

You're lucky in the shower, right?

Yeah.

See, that's the problem.

I can't wear my glasses in the shower, though.

Oh.

Yeah,

you have to approach it like Helen Keller, man.

Just total touch.

No other senses.

That was my first time, though, so

give me a break.

Come on, Manscaped.

You know, you'll do what the rest of us do, Walton.

Build up

a healthy callus on your your ball sack so you won't nick yourself

like an acorn or something down there.

Nice set of acorns.

It has, what, wireless charging?

Uses electromagnetic induction, which helps your battery last longer.

How do you recharge

the shaver you take in the shower?

I didn't see any way to plug anything in.

Oh, it has a little base to it.

Oh, it does?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'll have to look at that closer.

Yeah, just dig a little deeper in that box.

You'll find a base in there.

Their fourth-generation trimmer features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents thanks to their advanced skin-safe technology.

The upgraded trimmer includes a multi-function on-off switch that can engage a travel lock so your battery doesn't wear out.

It also gives you the ability to turn on the 4000K LED spotlight, get them, and off when you need a more precise shape.

That's what you got to do.

That's why the light yourself.

Yeah, you just got to turn the light on.

I don't know if it would have made a difference to light, though.

No?

No, I don't think so.

It wasn't because it was dark.

It was just because maybe I was just like

I was using it like I was trying to like mow the lawn, you know, like, you know.

Oh, you just went crazy right away.

You know, like I'm.

The Lumborough 4.0 allows you to customize your trim through additional guard lengths with sizes 1.4.

See, that's probably what you did.

You didn't put your guard on right away.

So you just went for it.

Oh, I didn't use use any of the guards.

Oh, see, well, there you go, man.

I want it like that.

You got to wait.

I want it at the way it's bottom, though.

It will be.

You got to work up to it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you got to wait in.

You're fucking diving in headfirst into the deep end.

I know where you guys small, though.

You guys probably love that kind of like...

that juvenile humor about where like right on the box is like you know your balls will thank you in like big fucking bold letters dude the shirt was two sizes too small i still wore it that's how funny i thought it was

i yeah they got like fake newspaper in there for you to shave your balls over if you need to i thought it was great yeah i'm just not sure if i was running the company though that i would like

use that kind of sophomoric humor about like your balls will thank you put it on shirts and everything trademarked i'm looking at it right here it's trademarked

they didn't want anyone else getting their hands on that yeah you you got to stand out in the ball shaving game man you got to you got to make a name for yourself this is the way they're doing it because i did i had a different one.

And you know what?

There was no catchy advertising.

There was no fun to it.

There was no single chuckle.

Yeah, no, not at all.

Yeah, I don't know.

I always lean towards a little bit more sophistication, you know.

Yeah.

When it comes to shaving your balls.

Just when it comes to my products and

how they present themselves to me.

Really?

Because I thought that we could, like, if we ever put shorts out, you know, if we put some shorts out for people, you know, it could be like your balls will thank you.

Now we can't do it.

But like, maybe like your ass won't get chafed.

If we put shorts out, like, that would be like.

Yeah, no, yeah, maybe.

Some jorts.

You know, who knows?

Eventually, going to run out of ideas for the Patreon shit.

Jorts with a nice patch on the back, a nice day patch.

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And Walt, you know who's going to thank you.

You're balls, baby.

You're balls.

But like, why couldn't you just say you're like

a more like

testicles?

No, not even like scientific.

You're nuts.

No, just like something.

Don't go nuts.

Your package.

Something a little bit more clever.

Than balls.

Balls is just so like, you know,

there's no wiggle room in that.

You're chestnuts, you know,

stones.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think they want to get directly to the the point.

They don't want people to be like, what does that mean?

This feels like, you know, like Spike TV with doing the advertising for this, though.

Hey, TNT, whatever.

True TV.

True TV.

Yeah.

True TV probably has manscaped on there.

I can see it.

You guys would joke around about it.

I can see you on stage making a whole routine out on your balls.

I mean, we're joking about it right now.

There you go.

So we have a dissenter in the Daisy of Love.

Oh, Walt.

You tried to watch it?

I tried.

I gave it an honest effort.

Okay.

Okay.

Because I've been getting a lot of positive feedback from this.

I saw a lot of people also, you know,

so I think.

I did a rare dip into Reddit, and they seemed to be liking it, Walter.

Yeah,

I 100% agree that

you definitely had a lot of people who agreed with your assessment of the show.

I just wasn't one of them, though.

I don't like balls.

I don't like Daisy.

Yeah, I just could not get into it.

I couldn't find myself motivated enough to get to the second episode.

Well, I think

you didn't even get the second episode.

I watched the first one.

It just wasn't enough for me to

make me go and find the second one.

I think

you're right, though.

It's like if you're not stoned, it's unwatchable.

Well, as I said, did you guys leave out that maybe you should be inebriated while watching this?

I've watched it both inebriated and non-inebriated, and I've enjoyed it.

Okay.

Yeah.

So

Walt will not be continuing with Daisy.

That's all right.

It's okay.

I mean,

different strokes.

We're different folks.

That's all, man.

That's all.

There's no harm.

If we liked exactly the same exact things, how boring would this podcast be?

Yeah, it's true.

Good.

I'm glad you hated it.

We did, Walt and I were on Clerks 3 set the other day.

Oh, yeah?

and uh, there was a point later that night where I thought I might have a lawsuit against Kevin

because it was so fucking hot out, and we were outside in the sun for so long that that night I was like, Do I have heat exhaustion?

Because I feel really fucked up.

Yeah,

it was, um, it was, uh,

you know, I'm not going to say what the scene was or anything, but we were outside for what, a good six hours.

Yeah,

well, that gives it away.

You just gave away with

Who's with this guy today?

Well, I think it's a scene that everybody would have assumed was in it anyway, you know what I mean?

Right.

Type thing.

But so anyway, we're in an elevated position.

Yeah.

And

it was probably around 100 degrees.

And then reflected off of the whiteness of everybody's skin.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, pretty much.

You probably cut that out.

Kevin's not going to like that one.

This all things are going to be chopped to shit this week.

Oh, I don't care if you leave it in.

No matter to me.

But yeah,

so we were there for a good six hours.

Walk out a trailer.

I don't know how that happened.

I got this

trailer, man.

It had a couch in it.

Because this is my second day on the set.

The first day I had a trailer, too, but it didn't have a couch.

Okay.

And so.

I got there real early and I actually took a

little power nap before my sleep.

On your couch.

On my couch.

This is what it must feel like to be Hollywood, I thought.

It was air-conditioned, it had a mirror.

Nice.

Yeah.

It was really a couch.

It was really dope.

A mirror.

I mean, how many B-level celebrities have gotten a blowjob on that couch that you were napping on, bud?

They all stayed up and grossed.

That's hot.

Yeah.

But it was, of course, you know, in the beginning of the very beginning of the Clerks 3 shoot, I told Jordan, I was like, here are three days that I can't

make it out to the movie.

And that was the days that we were in Memphis and August 25th, which is my first wedding anniversary.

So guess when it got scheduled for?

I'm going to say August 25th.

Yep, you're right.

Since we were in Memphis instead of in Jersey, yes.

So it fell on the 25th.

But Jordan assured me, she's like, I'll get you out of there by 3.30.

It won't be a problem, blah, blah, blah.

Which he did.

That's what happened.

There you go.

But on the way down to, because we went to Atlantic City, and then we went to Wildwood, which is south of Atlantic City.

But we went to Atlantic City, and

the plan was to go to Ruth Chris's steakhouse.

Nice steakhouse, have a nice anniversary dinner, blah, blah, blah.

When we got there, I'm like, I don't think I want to go out at all.

I feel too fucked up.

Like, my insides felt baked.

Yeah, they felt really baked.

Oh, man.

And so instead, we ended up getting subs from White House subs and just bringing them back to the room and being like, fuck it.

From roots to sub-shack.

To a sub-shack.

Yeah, basically subway.

Yeah.

Marybeth got a strumbo.

But it doesn't matter.

Like, doesn't what it's when you're a newlywed,

wasn't it just part of the fun?

All this?

It was, of course, this is what happened.

10 years in, though, I bet you that wouldn't fly, though.

But year one anniversary, you can swap out Ruth Steakhouse for a shitty sub and get away with it because it's still starry-eyed.

Oh, so 10 years from now?

10 years from now.

There's going to be expectations.

That may not fly as easily as it did this year.

There's more expectations.

There's more like this should be something special.

Yeah.

Well, I took your advice, Q, the paper tickets.

I got her.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I got her tickets for the Stone Pony for her favorite band, Blue October.

And you guys will remember she danced with her dad to one of their songs for like eight straight minutes.

That was a long dance.

When is it?

What is it?

I mean, do you want to say?

I mean, I guess people,

you're not worried about fans rushing to see you there.

No, they're probably more fans of Blue October than me.

Yeah.

Yeah, October 13th at the center party.

So, hey, if you're there and you see me, say hello.

Buy a drink.

Buy a drink for the couple.

Yeah, why not, man?

I'll probably still have heat exhaustion.

Dude, it felt fucked up, man.

Like, until the next day, I was like, my legs felt all weird.

Like, all I wanted to do was sit in the room and watch forensic files.

Unfortunately, I forgot my little adapter, so I had to watch it on HLN with the fucking commercials and shit.

The worst.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got home after the shoot, and I took a nap.

Took a nap when I got there to set and then I took a nap when I got home because it was so hot.

But I found that I don't know if tell me if

if I'm not on point here about my feelings about the set.

It had a very I don't know I don't want to say West Coast vibe because I don't know what a Jersey vibe is on a set, but there was one I said something that I realized, though, that like these

people who are on the crew probably just I just don't identify with them because on the first night I was there they asked if I could

I wonder if that was picking me up on

you

they asked if I wanted to get lunch on that first day I was there and they gave me a menu what was what was the lunch menu and there was nothing on it that

that I had any interest in eating it was very healthy right very you know a lot of vegan stuff a lot of stuff that like a lot of stuff I don't even know I couldn't even recognize the words.

You think you were in San Francisco?

Or I thought I was reading a, I was like, is this in French?

This menu?

Because I couldn't even pronounce some of the words that were on here.

So they said, I said, no, I'm just not going to eat then.

And I said, well, you know what?

I said, I'm going to go to McDonald's.

I said.

And their face was like

McDonald's.

Oh, really?

That you got judged?

Yeah, I got judged for saying I want to go to McDonald's.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

What have I made this French stuff?

I mean, you would have thought I said, said, I'm just going to go run across the street and strangle that kitten and

drizzle it in chocolate and eat it.

Well, this was the first time or the second time?

This is the first night.

Yeah, the first night I was there,

I could see

the face was a little aghast that I said,

I'm just going to run to McDonald's and grab a bite real quick on the lunch break.

Do you think it was

leaving?

You know, it could have been that, but it may have been the i think the mcdonald's right you know like

i think it was probably you leaving because i think they saw

they saw them being like send waltz set and then being like

no he's fucking he's getting like some chicken nuggets and shit because they should have went they should have sent someone to mcdonald's for you They asked.

They said they would.

And I said, no, no, no, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

You know, I don't even want it.

I said.

And then I went back to the trailer.

And then I just left on my own then.

And I got it.

So you hoodwinked them?

Well, I don't know if I hoodwinked.

I knew that they were gonna, they said that they weren't gonna be back in till 8:30.

It was 7 or 7:30, and they're gonna come back in at 8:30.

McDonald's, I could see basically from the trailer.

I could see it from the high, it was right in Atlantic.

So I could, I could literally could have walked over and got it.

So I just got in my car, walked over, got it, and brought it back to the trailer.

And they had no idea even I had even gone.

That's the way to do it, man.

Yeah, slick.

Getting over on the man.

Hell yeah.

The 24-year-old girl who runs

the trailer section of the set.

I met her.

She was a child.

But I feel like I'm becoming more like Bri.

I can't stand people telling me what to do.

Yeah.

It's just like this constant, like they would come knock on the door.

Take off your suit.

I go, why?

You have to take your suit off.

And I'm like, I was like, well, why do I have to take the suit off?

He goes, well, they want you to take the suit off and then put it back on before they come back in from lunch.

So you just can't hang out in the trailer in your suit.

I was like, Why?

Right.

I go, I'm not eating anything.

I go, I'm not eating.

There's nothing in here.

There's nothing can happen to this suit.

They're like, you just got to take the suit off.

I was fucking so angry.

I was like, treated me like a child that I just can't sit in the fucking trailer with a suit on and not mess it up.

I think you're going to get something on it.

Exactly.

Like, look at this fucking Big Mac sauce off.

Did you take the suit off?

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

I know.

Well, I got away with the McDonald's thing.

I don't want to push my luck.

Yeah.

The other thing about the set that I was like, fucking, come on, man, was, you know, it was, like I said, it was really hot.

And

they made such a fucking stink about, like, do not wear shorts.

Wear jeans or track pants.

Like, wear long pants.

They made such a big fucking deal about it.

By the time I got done, like, you would think the, you would think that I just dipped them in the ocean, the jeans.

They were so fucking wet and salty and shit.

Oh, my God.

They were disgusting.

Meanwhile, a couple of motherfuckers were wearing shorts and nobody said anything.

Oh, that sucks.

That's because you listened to him, dude.

I listened.

I don't know why I did it.

Yeah, the old Brian Johnson would have worn shorts.

I would have worn your suit.

I would have been like, hey, how is this, motherfuckers?

Yeah, I should have at least brought shorts, but I was saying the Mary Beth.

I was like, why the fuck can't you wear shorts?

I was like, we played hockey.

How many times?

And Kevin's going to say, like, oh, you got to wear jeans?

Not in the history of playing hockey.

Has anyone worn jeans ever once?

Why on earth wouldn't you just text Kevin and be like, hey, man, they want me to wear jeans.

Can I just wear shorts?

I'm sure he would have said yes.

Yeah, I probably, you know what?

I should have gone to Jordan with it.

They're like, I didn't know it was going to be that fucking hot either.

I won't.

Yeah, but we.

I was shot hot, man.

I was surprised.

I mean, I knew it would be warm, but I was like, holy fuck.

We shot the Impractical Jokers movie in Atlanta in the summer, and

we picked what we were going to wear in the fall, like the winter leading up to it.

So I just had long jeans on in like 100-degree weather in a 30-year-old car where the ash air conditioning really didn't work and the fucking the first day i suffered through it after that i just every time you see me driving the car i'm wearing i'm wearing uh i'm in my boxes or i'm in shorts because i was like fuck this i can't do it it's too hot i was wondering though as i walked away from the set do you think that's the last time i'll ever be in a movie i bet you that's it that's the last time i'll ever be on a movie set probably ever in my life well it did uh i'll say this much it did inspire me to start uh working on Vulgar 2 again.

So I'm 17 pages in, and you're already in it.

Oh, I was going to say, I was happy.

I was saying, I walked away happy, I said, because I don't ever want to be in another movie set.

You're not going to have to wear a suit.

You wear whatever you want.

We did not strike the same fortunes as your daughter did.

You told me Kate went down to Atlantic City and won $200.

Yeah, she won $200 first time ever.

I know AC.

We paid it back.

Mary Beth did not do well at the slots.

Is that a recipe for disaster cue?

Your first time going to AC and you play the slots.

Is that the slots when you pull the thing down?

Yeah.

They usually don't do that anymore.

It's just buttons your push.

Yeah, and she won 200.

She walked away up 200 bucks on the end of the night.

Is that the worst thing that could happen to somebody?

It emboldens you because the first time I went to Vegas and I was with a bunch of buddy of mine.

I was like 22 years old.

Same age as my daughter.

Okay.

And

we landed at the airport.

We got in at like seven o'clock.

By the time we checked in, we were in the casino, you know, gambling by 10.

6 in the morning, I was up almost $2,000, which, you know, for a 22-year-old kid, that's, I mean, it might as well be a fucking and it might have been a million dollars.

Yeah.

It might have been a million dollars.

And it, and I went to bed up, and it made me so cocky for the rest of the trip that I flushed that and more.

And I've never gotten that out of, I've never gotten the taste of that blood out of my mouth.

like i'm always trying to get that money back and like all right gatto did a show in ac what four weeks ago and i went down dropped 1800 bucks of fucking craps before i was like fuck this

storm off

yeah it's not good i sat around i don't think it's a good thing i sat around the roulette wheel just trying to guess what it would be without playing like real money Like while she was doing the slots, I'm like, okay, what if I put it on this?

All right, I would have lost.

What if I put it on this?

All right, I would have lost.

Yeah.

So it was easier to play it like that.

The next day, we went down to Wildwood.

Now, for anybody who is not familiar with Wildwood, which probably a lot of you aren't, it's a boardwalk scene.

Very long boardwalk, probably about a mile with all the stands and the arcades.

Not real good arcades, like the kind with the claw grabber.

Pier with rides and all that kind of shit.

Again, fucking, I mean, it's the same day, and the next day, so it's already boiling out.

And I'm like, fuck, man.

Today, it's awesome.

Like, today is like 70 degrees outside.

I don't know what happened to New Jersey

where it's like every fucking day in the summer.

It's either 105 degrees or raining.

It's one of those.

Oh, it's global warming.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, god damn it.

It's climate.

You never should have used all that hairspray in the 80s.

Well, we passed the point of no return.

We can't even fix it now.

No?

So this is it for us, huh?

Yeah, it's beyond repair, I've heard.

I saw a report that, you know, some experts said that

we had our

drop-dead date if we were going to do something about it.

We had to hit these marks by a certain date and we didn't hit them.

So now it's like

you fucking asked for it and now you're going to get it.

I've also read that it's ridiculous to assume that humans could do in 200 years, like they could destroy the Earth in 200 years versus like the millions of years prior to that with volcanoes and storms and all kinds of shit.

Well, it's not the Earth that'll be destroyed.

It's just like us and animals, right?

Like the Earth will be here in another fucking four million years, just turning around like it always does.

I mean, for anybody who's already fucking going to Reddit, I believe in global warming, all right?

Calm the fuck down.

Calm the fuck down.

But the Earth spinning around is going to, it's going to be like a piece of charcoal, though, because the sun will have baked it into a brisket because of what we did.

We fucked it up.

Well, now there's no

fixing it.

You don't know that.

There's no fixing with current technology.

Somebody could fucking, five years from now, invent something that'll sponge out all that poison from the air.

We're our only hope now.

Well, before we could turn it around, now we have to fucking figure it out.

I don't know if I have much hope in the human race at this point.

I mean, what have you seen that

gives you this sense of like, well, you know what, we'll figure it out.

Afghanistan.

Wait, no.

Shit, bad example.

I guess Ghostbusters, maybe?

Maybe Ghostbusters.

No, I mean, look at the fucking vaccine.

I mean,

we turned around and fucking got that done right.

Operation Warp Speed, man.

We figured it right out.

Yeah, but it didn't, but there's more cases now.

With help from President Trump, USA, USA, USA.

I'm kidding.

Before you go to fucking Reddit.

But Gidham just told me today that there's just as many cases of COVID today as there was pre-vaccine, right?

Giddam?

Yeah, in like November.

Yeah.

In November.

There's as many as now as in November.

So, like,

again, we had our chance to get it done.

We had our chance for everybody to fucking get in line and get poked and fucking kill this shit.

I know multiple people who got the vaccine and still got COVID.

It's fucked up.

Well, that's because of the variants.

That's it.

That's it, huh?

Just a variant.

And at this point, we have to create another vaccine to kill the one that has to kill all these variants before that, before the Delta and whatever the other one is, the Roomba one,

Roomba, whatever it's called, Larosa or

what's the other one?

What is this a new one?

There's a new variant in

Delta Plus.

I don't know what it's called, but there's two variants at this point.

Delta XL.

Something in Nicaragua or something like that.

Oh,

beautiful pronunciation.

If I say it fast enough, people won't realize.

What's it called?

Is it lambda?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, something like that.

But

we have to create a vaccine now that kills those two and kills it before they can mutate into something else.

We're chasing the tail, the dragon's tail.

We're never going to catch it.

Can't we just drink bleach?

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

I don't know, dude.

I'm never leaving the house again.

I'm locking it down.

Well, there's a lot of content now if you're going to stay in the house now.

Have you been watching What If?

I have been watching What If, yes.

What's that?

It's a new Marvel show, and it's canon, but it's also animated, though.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So

the old comic book.

What if, Dr.

Street?

Yeah, that's sitting up in Fantastic Force.

It's the same exact premise.

Oh, okay.

What are your thoughts on it, Q?

I know we differed on Daisy, but what about What If?

uh my feeling is the first two episodes for me were largely duds yeah i agree um i'm just like i'm like so wait maybe it's because i've read what if many you know what i mean like i used to buy the series and i know that the best what if stories really take it and turn them into a dark place or you know what i mean it's not just this let's swap i mean they do do it but like it's not like like the first the first episode was just like wait so it's the same exact story but

but it's it's her instead of him, but other than that, there's fucking nothing different whatsoever.

I was like, that's the most boring use.

I was like, this is your premiere?

Female Captain America?

I'm like, who gives a shit?

She's not even American.

I was like, this fucking, I was like, I was like, that is, I was like, that is such a Marvel.

The Marvel cinematic universe is global, Q.

It's not just about American characters.

No.

Well, if they're called Captain America, you would think.

No, they actually didn't call it.

Captain South America.

They didn't call it Captain Carter.

I can't remember.

Captain Carter.

That's what they called her.

But

it doesn't matter.

It was just like,

you're just like, I'm watching the same shit.

I'm like, what am I supposed to get?

A boner?

Because it's a fucking

She-Hulk doing it?

Like, I don't care.

You can't get a boner.

I mean, Marvel's the cinematic universe, they expect boners now 10 years into this shit.

You got to

get some Blue Chew fucking Marvel Cinematic Universe.

You just can't throw out anything.

Now, yeah, back in year one, anything like that would have given the comic book fans bonus.

100%.

We would have cut diamonds with Captain Carter.

Now we're just like, who gives a fuck?

I'm like, who cares?

And then, and so I'm like, all right, so I guess they wanted to fucking do the first episode where she took over and she did everything better than him.

I got it.

Like, whatever.

And then the second episode comes and I'm like, it's another fucking character swap.

I'm like, it's just,

I'm like, all you guys did was take fucking Tajala and make him Star-Lord.

I was like, this is the most boring shit I've ever seen.

I'm like, why the fuck are they keep doing this?

Like, stop doing that.

And then the end of that episode was the only interesting part for me where I was like.

Oh, okay, so I guess Star-Lord's going to be evil now because his father, he never became it.

He was like just a skell mopping up a dairy queen.

Yeah.

I was like, that's the story I want to see.

Like, that's the dark turn I want to see.

What if Yondo's ship never got him?

Well, if you want it dark, what about episode three, though?

Now we're talking a little bit.

Now we get into episode three, and I'm into it a little bit more.

Can I ask you

how do you resonate

with the animation part of it?

Is it a stumbling block?

Because for me, it definitely is.

I cannot connect

as much as I would with a live-action one.

I've only connected to one cartoon probably in my whole life as an adult.

As a child, yes, it was much easier.

And I could fall in love with cartoon characters.

But as an adult, I'm a fucking fucking adult.

It's much harder for me to like get into cartoons.

Iron Giant is the only one that's been able to touch me and make me feel like an inner kid.

It is a good one, but I don't have that problem.

I like animation.

You can feel the same level of like, like it feels as powerful.

Oh, yeah.

Did you see Spider-Verse?

I saw it.

You didn't fucking think that was awesome.

I thought it was great.

It was good, but I can't remember what it was about at this point.

I know there was a

spider pig, right?

Yeah, spider ham.

Peter Porter.

Yeah, yeah.

Spider ham.

Spider ham, yeah.

I don't mind it.

I mean, I get into animation.

I like animation with no problem.

And I liked the storyline.

I mean, it still wasn't fucking gangbusters, but like, you know, it's cool hearing Nick Fury do

by Samuel L.

Jackson and stuff like that.

I liked it.

The only thing is, like, I guessed who did it.

Really?

You knew who it was?

I thought it was Ant-Man.

Oh, no, no, no.

I should say I also thought it was Ant-Man, but

I guess I knew the murderer was shrinking.

Yes, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

What about you, Brian?

Can you connect with a cartoon at this stage of your life?

Don't you feel it would be harder to

feel the power and the

impact of a really well-told story if it's done through drawings?

No.

No.

I think I can connect with it.

F is for Family.

You ever see it?

No.

It's on Netflix.

It's a Bill Burr cartoon.

Yeah, I know that guy.

And it's all about

basically him growing up in the 70s.

It's the best.

It's a comedy, though, right?

It's a comedy, yeah.

Oh, you're teletalking just a real.

Yeah, I'm talking about when you're doing the drama like this.

To me, I find it much more difficult to have it be as impactful and resonate when it's a cartoon, though.

Yeah, I'm trying to even think of a drama I've watched recently in animation.

I remember for years people telling me that Akira, the cartoon Akira, was like, you know, that I was an imbecile for not

for not understanding how it was the greatest movie ever made, even if it was a cartoon.

Then I watched it and I was like, they're the idiots.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm not sure that

I can remember a cartoon in recent memory.

You mean like

a heavy metal?

Something like that, even?

I mean, I can watch them and be like, oh, that's cool, or that looks beautiful.

But at the end of the day, I still feel like, you know,

I'm an adult man watching a cartoon.

You know, it just has a little bit of a there's a little hurdle for me there at times.

And this is the way you feel about what if?

Yeah, what if like if it was live action,

I think it would be much more cooler and I would probably have even dug the first two episodes if they were live action.

Yeah, maybe, because like one of the things that disappointed me so much about the first episode was because it is animation and because it is an alternate universe, you could do fucking anything, anything, and it won't cost you any more money.

Like, the budget's limitless, and you're leading with what if Captain America was a woman, and it's the same story.

It's just so, you know, I certainly understand that.

But I think they're going to bring in Captain Carter into the

either somehow they're going to introduce her into the

live-action universe.

I would not be surprised by that at all.

Yeah, because I think that's what they're doing with Mouth of Madness or whatever that is, the multiverse of Madness, Doctor Strange's new movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, I think we're going to see Captain Carter.

We're probably going to see some of these things that are popping up in What If in that movie,

if only for a few seconds, maybe.

I mean, they're going to have to CGI her to fucking look like that character because that character looks like the Hulk with Captain Carter's head put on top of it.

And it was like so weird-looking.

I was like, wow, all right.

That's some design.

Will this eventually run its course?

The whole like, guess what?

It's a woman now.

Like, will it chase off comic book fans?

And the other thing that's going to be?

I mean, I will say this.

I will say this.

The thing they didn't do, Brian, was be like,

they didn't beat that drum.

It wasn't like

they didn't make it seem like,

you know, oh, actually, you know, they had a couple of things where they're like, well, what I said with Jungle Cruise, where they're still doing that, a woman wearing pants type shit, where you're like, how the fuck are they still writing lines of dialogue like this?

But they really avoided a lot of that.

They had one guy who was a dickhead, but it was the military in the 1940s.

So you know what I mean?

I kind of get it.

They didn't beat that drum too hard, but so it wasn't that.

It was just how fucking banal it was that that's what they chose.

Do you know if Shang or Shang-Chi or whatever they're calling it, or Shang-Chi or Shang-Chi, is it going to premiere both on streaming and theaters, or is it only theaters?

Do you know?

I don't know.

It's very soon.

It's got to be any day now.

Yeah, I'm going to go see it regardless.

But

I wonder if they finally figured out maybe you can't release them both

on both platforms because

you're not going to see the big

theaters only, it says.

Theaters only.

I wonder how that'll play out for them because there's probably going to be a lot of people are going to be angry that they have to go see it in a theater with the state of the world.

The variants.

Yeah.

But I mean, all they got to do is wait 30 days and then they go watch it at home.

You know, it's not that much of a of a burden.

True.

30 days, though.

I would imagine it's going to be longer than that.

I think they shorten the window to maybe 45 days, 30 days.

I don't know.

I'm Shang-Chi.

I have yet to see

anything that's going to make me go to the theater to see it.

I've heard good reviews on it, though.

I've heard that people have seen it because I guess it had its premiere.

And so far, the buzz is that it's a pretty decent movie.

That's fucking awesome.

Because I would love to see a bunch of ass kicking and shit like that.

Oh, I'm sure you're going to see a lot of that.

Yeah, yeah.

But I just never liked the character, so I didn't, you know,

I'm just not excited about the character.

Fing Fang Foom's in it.

If you go see it and Fing Fang Foom's in it, you got to let me know because that'll get you.

Do you want me to spoil that for you?

Well, because if he's in it, I'll go see it in theaters.

But if he's not, yeah, I'd rather see it.

Do you think he'll be wearing underpants?

No fucking way.

No way, you know.

I wish he you would.

It would be amazing.

It would be the best.

Walt, I would run to the theater and I'd buy every ticket.

If you told me that Fing Fang Foom's wearing these shorts, I'd be like, I'm buying the theater.

I just write two texts.

The first text is Fing Fang Foom, exclamation point.

And the next text is underpants, three exclamation points.

That's a fucking t-shirt, if I ever heard one.

Oh, that would be be amazing.

For those of you who don't know, we're talking about he's an obscure 60s Marvel monster who, for the reasons of the comics code, they had to put him in little briefs, boxer little underwear briefs.

Yeah, because of the code,

you couldn't even show a dragon's mid-section or...

Oh, it's a dragon?

I thought it was a God.

It's a dragon.

It's a dragon.

He was like a big Godzilla character.

They put briefs on him.

Oh, my God.

We were repressed back then, right?

That is.

It was the fucking 60s and 70s.

60s.

60s, but I mean, wasn't that like the end of the 60s?

Was the whole free love?

Yeah, but not in the comic book industry.

I mean,

they had the worth them and the comics code debacle.

So, you know, they had to make sure that kids weren't getting their rocks off even on fucking dragons.

Dragon balls.

Nice and shaven.

Funny you should mention underpants, boys.

Meandy saved me when I was down in Wildwood because

it was so hot that you get that chafing between your legs.

Like I went out.

I was like, ah, maybe Mary Beth is going to take a nap.

Maybe I'll go down to the ocean.

I'll go in.

So I wore

my togs and shit.

And I walked about a block and I was like, no way.

Because I got to the boardwalk.

It was about a block away from the hotel.

When's the last time you went to Wildwood and looked at the ocean?

I was there.

I spent a week there last summer.

Why the fuck is the boardwalk so far from the ocean?

It's literally like a quarter mile.

It is.

I went with my family, and we took my mother-in-law, and

she's not wheelchair-bound, but she has to be pushed around in a wheelchair.

But she wanted to go down and see the water, but she just couldn't do it.

It was just like so far from the boardwalk, like you say.

I guess that's got to be for,

you know, this, again, global warming, you know, flooding and everything.

You can't have, because you'll have your boardwalk ripped up every time if you put it too close.

They must just build the beach up.

So, yeah, that doesn't happen.

But holy shit, I was like, I went out to the boardwalk.

I was like, you got to be kidding me.

I don't want, I'm not walking to the ocean.

Like,

it's closer for me to walk to the ocean here than it is.

There's not much to do in Wildwood, like, other than the boardwalk, though, because I spent a week there.

And at a certain point, there was weekday afternoons where we just drove around

the little Wildwood area and just found like a butterfly reservoir.

Right.

Yeah, if you're not into the boardwalk, it's really not the place for you.

There's not much to do there.

A lot of ghost tours, though.

Ghost tours?

I didn't see any of that.

Yeah.

Then again, we stayed in the room.

She wanted to go back to the room at 8 o'clock at night.

And then the next day, we went out and when we were leaving, I went around the corner and there was a fucking gentleman's club there.

I was like, God damn it.

Oh, that would have been fun.

That could have been it, yeah.

But instead, we stayed inside and because

we walked the boardwalk and shit, and it's like, I mean, how many times are you going to do it?

Oh, anyway, Miundi.

So I put on my Miundis.

I went back, put on my Miundis, and it just

saved you, though.

Because it erased all that chafing.

Like, I was like

walking around on the boardwalk.

Because the boardwalk's probably about a mile, right?

So walking two miles in that heat and getting that chub rubbed.

I tell you, there's nothing like Jersey Boardwalk, though, man, for the smell of the pizza that they have on that boardwalk and all the cotton candy and the candy apples and the taffy.

It's always the taffy that you love.

As a non-Jersey boy, I can tell you, Walt, that I agree with that.

There's something about when you get to go down there.

And for me, it wasn't that often because it's like two hours from me.

But there is no feeling like being on that boardwalk.

It's just a great, overwhelming senses.

It overwhelms the senses, like, especially not just your eyes, but your nostrils too.

And your ears, too, because there's like music playing real loud.

The rides are going.

There's people everywhere.

It makes you feel like a bad boy.

Is that the boardwalk that has the mini golf on the roof?

That might be Seaside.

Yeah, I think that's Seaside.

That's Seaside?

Okay.

Seaside, I'm thinking of with that.

I've heard a lot of people come into the store, and

they explain, especially people who aren't from Jersey, they explain Seaside on Wildwood as being Wildwood is upper-class boardwalk.

Seaside is a lower-class boardwalk.

Right.

And if Wildwood is the upper class, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

There's a personal note in here.

You can mention all the robes and stuff I bought and love Mary Beth.

Yeah, no shit.

Oh, Mary Beth's writing copy now?

Well, she trims it down.

She cuts it down because it's fucking way too much stuff.

Tell Walt not to mention getting nicked.

Yeah.

Like, I must have missed that part.

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That was quick.

What, at that point?

Almost done.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Well, we put that whole Wildwood thing on it in the middle of it.

I was talking about what if, and I, because I wanted to ask you a scenario.

I don't know if we ever talked about it because I got a lot of people sending me emails saying

they couldn't believe that I mentioned something on a Purveyor's Posers and Playlist that we haven't talked about really in depth on the show

from our past, which was: I don't even know if you know this cue, but I took Brian's sister to the prom.

I think I've heard this before.

Like, I was maybe like one or two years out of high school, maybe, maybe one year or two years out of high school.

Probably two, yeah, we were two years older.

And I took your sister to her senior prom.

And people were like, How could you just gloss over that?

Because I just mentioned it briefly in a recent episode of Purveyors, Posers, and Playlists.

And I was thinking about a what-if scenario.

What if I, what if,

because now you got her pregnant.

What if, like, what if, like, what if, like, romance blossomed there and I married your sister?

How do you think it would have played out?

Do you think we would be friends or do you think that it would have actually hurt our friendship?

Oh, wow.

That's a good fucking question.

What do you think, Q?

That's a good question.

Now he's my brother-in-law, so we're hanging out.

We're going to

the Johnson family barbecues all the time.

I think it would have helped.

I don't think it would have hurt.

I don't know if it would have helped, but I don't think it would have helped.

But you know, I like to get freaky, though.

So

could you have leftover?

Fuck.

Yeah.

I mean, you see who she's been with.

I remember a long time ago.

I remember a long time ago when

we had a barbecue at Pam and Edgar's, and

this is when Q first became a fireman, and she was trying to Mac on him.

Remember that, Q?

Oh, I do remember that.

I do.

And then she made some unsavory comments about me when I wasn't around, I'm told.

Really?

What kind of unsavory comments could anybody make about you?

Oh, you told me she made some sexually charged comments about me.

Oh, so they're not unsavory.

They're just

definitely.

She was just talking about how she wanted a little piece of cue.

Yeah, she's got a house.

That's all of a sudden unsavory?

Since why is that unsavory in your world?

But it's about me from Brian's sister.

It's unsavory.

But I think back to that time, give because

imagine like you married her and then she cheated on you with Q.

Now what do I do?

But I'm just wondering, though, like now you say, well, what about from my POV, though?

Right.

Like, would it have hurt, like, you know, like

our relationship, though?

Like, knowing, like, being that much closer into

the Johnson

fabric.

Right.

No, I think we would see each other a lot more.

So actually, that's not true because I never saw her other husband.

But we were already friends to begin with.

So I probably would have seen you more.

We might have become.

But you know, I got to side with the missus, though, when she's having a problem with you, though, then, you know, because I got to keep the peace at home.

Why do you think I'm reading this copy shit?

Mary Beth loves her in her bathroom.

Don't worry.

I don't know.

I thought that was a weird, it would be an interesting what if, but it sounds like it would have been just like Captain Carter.

Things would have just, it would have been hunky-dory.

I was thinking something more dark for Q's

for a long time.

But like, what?

What would have gone dark?

Like,

you would have been better than, I guess.

Well,

the only thing that would have happened was my sister's life would have been better.

Yeah, it's like,

did her last husband kill himself?

Like, I don't.

I don't know, man.

Like, she drove Walt to that.

I was like, I'm on the edge.

Oh,

now it's getting dark.

Now it's what if.

What if Walt was driven to suicide?

Oh, boy.

I did have a crisis of

honesty when I was down there

in Wildwood.

You know, we go into

this arcade, and she wants to play these claw machines that grab these

stuff animals and shit.

Why?

I'm not sure.

Romantic?

No, she didn't care if I was there or anything.

No, she just loves to do it.

She loves that in the coin push.

But she's like, hey, can I have some money?

So I'm about to put $10 into the change machine thing.

And

the bill hasn't even touched it yet.

And $10 in quarters comes out.

Yeah.

Do I return it to the people?

Not at all.

No?

No, you're under no obligation.

You have much time.

You know, those games are rigged, right?

Oh, yeah, I know.

Even she said she was like, it's only designed to grab whatever you want.

And so what?

Now finally, you know, they have to like...

sun shining on my ass, so I gotta turn around and get back.

So, what'd you do?

Oh, we kept it, of course.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I can't even imagine for a second you were like, I had a conflict of honesty.

Bullshit.

You kept going back to that fucking machine, touching your $10 bill to it all night long, hoping that fucking lightning would strike twice.

Dude, you know me well, because I did go by several times and just like put it by to see what would happen.

It didn't work,

And then get angry that it didn't happen again.

Just my luck.

A marmoset took a shine to me.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

We went to a little boardwalk aquarium where you like, it's the kind of place where you kind of feel bad for the animals.

Oh, I've been in that one.

Oh, yeah.

It was an indoor one, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they're all indoor, but I mean, this was right on the

right on the boardwalk.

Right on the boardwalk, yeah.

Yeah, like you go and they have like the tortoises up front trying to fucking desperately climb out of the enclosure and then you go inside and they have sharks and stuff and it's like it doesn't look big it's not big but it doesn't look big enough for sharks from the outside uh but they had this little marmoset this little monkey guy who um i'll show you a picture of him well

if i can get it i'm probably going to hang up on cue if i do that i'll show it to you later

um

uh and he no doubt in my mind he was locking eyes with me that i'm not like one of these doctor doolittle types where like i'm communing with the animals But this motherfucker would not stop jumping around, like, looking at me and hiding and playing and shit.

He probably thought you were his father.

That's what I thought.

Don't they have little beards?

Yeah, they have like a little white around their face, and then they got little beards and shit.

And when they were.

Or it was maybe some sort of mating ritual.

You know, maybe he thought he was going to fuck you.

You have to fuck me.

I'm like, you're too little.

I'll fuck you.

If anybody's getting fucked.

That was it, though.

It was a very uneventful

anniversary.

That's okay.

There's nothing wrong with that, right, Q?

I don't think so.

It sounds nice.

Yeah.

I got away for a couple of days.

And I think it marks the end of my travels for a while.

Oh, yeah, that's it?

I was up at the Hamptons.

I was

in Memphis, down at Wildwood, and now

I think that's it.

I almost went to the Grand Canyon.

I think that, you know, it's good to get

right away, year one, set her up that, like, you know what, like, it's going to suck.

it's not gonna get better than this

in fact

we're on a decline

I don't want a couple years tuna subs in a hotel room

by hotel I mean motel

not tuna subs tuna strombolis

that wasn't a stromboloni stromboli I never said tuna stromboli oh you know what she did give me though like the gift that she gave me was when she got the when we got the wedding photos taken, you know, last year, she did a special boudoir set.

So she, like, bound another book.

She was very

on the edge about it because you have to send it out.

Like, you have to send out the pictures to be bound.

So you don't know if somebody's going to be like, ooh, and then take them and post them on the internet or whatever.

Right, right.

So

were they completely...

Were they like...

No pussy, if that's what you're asking.

No lips.

No lips, lips, nothing.

What were those Easy Rider magazines where they would send the pictures in?

Oh, it was Hustler.

It was Beaver Hunt.

Beaver Hunt.

Was it all hard?

That's what it said on the cover of Beaver Hunt.

Yeah, but weren't there magazines that were like motorcycle magazines where

the old man would send his old lady pics in?

Yeah, yeah.

I can't remember the name of the magazine, though.

I remember which one.

Was it Easy Rider?

I think it was Easy Rider.

It was a big magazine.

And there was always pictures, like bad pictures of ladies naked on motorcycles and stuff.

Yeah, taken with like Polaroids.

Yeah.

Yeah, Hustler was Beaver Hunt.

No,

this was classy type stuff.

Classy.

Well, then she probably don't have to worry too much.

I don't think people in today's, I mean, with

pornography literally everywhere at any time.

I don't think people are going to be like, check out these.

Check out these classy boudoir shots.

Yeah, you guys got to see this shit.

Well, no, how did you like them?

Did it all?

I love them.

Yeah, I thought it was.

Yeah, you know why I liked it?

I mean, obviously, like, I have 24-7 access whenever I want, however I want, because I'm a fucking man.

There you go, marriage, bro.

But I liked that I wasn't in the room and somebody else was taking the pictures.

Oh, a little hot wife action, huh?

A little hot wife action.

A little blue velvet action.

He wants to fuck.

Yeah, that part of it.

You think you opened up

a new kink?

For hot wifing?

for hot wife and well i mean i don't want anyone to fuck her that's for sure

but you know you know what i did do she that she was very amenable to um when we were walking around the casino i had her wear a white shirt with no bra so you could kind of see through it and i'll like watch people's reactions like i like to see people checking her out i don't know if that's hot wife it's kind of like a warm wife hot wife and light yeah yeah yeah warm wifen Warm wife and that's good.

You just created a new term.

That's what I do, bro.

I create sexual magic when it comes to terms.

I created warm wife, and

I guess that's it so far.

But I'm going to go to the next one.

That's still a good start.

That's not bad, man.

That's going to spread.

Guys who like other guys to look at their wives because of how they're dressed.

Right.

Warm wifing.

Spread it around.

Hashtag warm wife.

Practice it.

Practice it.

Should practice it.

Why should I be the only one who's out there giving and everybody else receiving?

Right?

Yeah,

you don't have to be married.

Like, you could be a girlfriend and it's still warm wife.

And I think it's, you know, it's fine.

Get out there and warm wife.

You're right.

And with a mask now, with everybody wearing, like, supposed to be wearing masks and shit like that.

I don't know if we're still supposed to be, but like, then you even got a degree of like anonymous.

Yeah, anonymous wife.

Anonymy.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Anonymity.

Anonymity.

Come on, guys.

Put it together and you got it.

Hey, man, I came up with warm wife.

That was it.

You're spent.

Yeah, I'm done, man.

What else we got?

You got anything going on this week, Walt?

What's new in Patreon?

No, this week could be the Olympics on Tuesday, or it could be the following week, depending on how Victor's making out.

I mean,

I got to get my Giddam's over there snoring like a little snow.

Get him pillow asleep on my couch.

I mean, he is on that couch.

Oh, there he goes.

He's waving.

Rest up, boy.

You got a long walk ahead.

We've been walking, me and Giddam.

We've been keeping up to our regiment.

You're saying he's been losing weight?

Has he chased W away?

No, no, Debbie goes every time.

He doesn't want to weigh himself yet, which I don't disagree with.

He doesn't want to get

disappointed.

So he's kind of just keeping up with the regiment and not having expectations.

And then not meeting expectations kind of like knock him down.

That's my whole life.

Well,

I think it's a wise point.

Now, you guys, because you tell me, because I think when we're out,

we go to this place where there's a lot of people exercising.

Oh, what are you warm wifing with Giddam?

Giddam's in a guinea tea fucking see-through.

So we see these, we saw this guy run by the other day and he was he was so muscular.

And I said, we're going to get there one day.

And I think, you know, you tell me if our regiment may be why we aren't there yet.

Maybe we may have to change it up.

You've been doing it for three weeks?

No, we go and do our five-mile walk, but then we go to Roy Rogers afterwards.

Yeah.

Is that a problem?

Because it gives us something to look forward to, though.

You're blunting,

you're definitely slowing your progress down.

If you want to look like a muscle guy, but you're doing wonders for your cardio, I bet.

Like, Roy Rogers won't affect that.

Yeah, but because

that's what we look forward to.

That's all we're talking about.

One more hour.

We can go to Roy Rogers.

And get him into it.

What?

Going to Roy Rogers?

Oh, yeah, why wouldn't he be?

Well, like, let's say you get, like, I mean, if you look at the number of

calories you burn in your five-mile walk, right?

Like, I wouldn't.

We're not counting them.

We're not doing, we're not doing any of that stuff.

We're counting the miles, but we're not doing this, like, this, all these other bullshit of, like, you know, the formulas and all this other stuff, you know.

What do I look like?

Fucking Bill Gates and shit.

Yet, you expect to be with a fucking muscle guy.

I'm like, Poindexter now.

I'm going to do all the little fucking graphs and

formulas and algebra.

Let me see how quickly I can find out how many calories you burn in walking five miles.

My thing would be like I wouldn't want to walk the five miles and then it basically even itself out.

No,

I don't think that way.

I say to myself, I just want to get some chicken strips and mashed potatoes, and I earned it because I walked five miles.

Yeah,

I mean, it's better than just buying the chicken chicken syrup and mashed potatoes without walking towards it.

But I also think, Walt, you're a pretty trim guy.

Like,

I'm not, like, he's the one that's got to be doing the heavy lifting right now.

He's baby steps.

You know.

So you're telling me I shouldn't let him eat at Roy Rogers?

I just think, like, maybe, maybe as a reward, maybe not an every walk.

Maybe just be like, hey, man, you did another month.

Let's go to Roy Rogers.

Maybe not like.

You're going to make us go once a month?

You're throwing down like 800 calories on top of like whatever whatever you did i know but that's that's torturous though okay so from what i'm reading here it looks like you guys are gaining weight by walking

about one mile burns 100 calories so you know if you burn 500 calories whatever you're eating at roy rogers well let's say roy rogers health information oh no don't want to hear it we know we want to hear it it's it's not good It's not going to be good.

I said, let's run and catch up with that muscular guy and see if he's going to Roy Rogers after he's done today.

And if he is, then we know we're on the right track.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I'm looking at a

it's not good.

It's not good, boys.

No, you can't do that.

Roast beef sandwich isn't too bad.

A roast beef sandwich would be a wash.

It's about 420 to 520 calories.

You can get a roast beef sandwich then.

Do you like roast beef sandwiches?

Get him?

All right.

But if he just skipped it entirely,

that walking would mean something.

Right now, the walking.

Yeah, I know.

But he's building muscle, though.

And those legs?

That's the last place he needs it.

I don't know.

It's tough.

Working out is tough.

It's not that tough.

But it's the reason why it's so hard for so many people, though.

I mean, people struggle with this, keeping up with it and making sure that they do it when they have to do it.

Like right now,

we've been doing it on a super consistent basis.

And you think without the Roy Rogers, that'll stop.

I know I'll be miserable if

I have to go eat something healthy afterwards.

I'll just might as well, you know what, just shoot me in the face because I can't do it.

Well, maybe they grab that menu from the Clerks 3 set.

Maybe he can't do it.

What do you mean?

He's the one that's got to get healthier.

He just has to wait in the car.

There's got to be something on that menu that he can get.

It seems the chickens.

Oh, well, if you get the does he get the salad bar?

No, I didn't think so.

Let him graze on the Fixins bar.

Oh, there's a Fixins bar?

It looks like salad to me.

It's all stuff I would never eat.

Fixins.

Well, it did look like the chicken isn't too bad.

Like, if you're

if you're going to eat there.

Where is Roy Rogers around here?

There's only one.

It's in brick.

Oh, my God.

So we go to this reservoir down

south.

And then we take about a half-hour drive to the Roy Rogers to cool down.

Right.

You know.

Yeah.

Now, what about what about when you, like today you're going to walk over?

At the bell works because it's raining out.

Yeah.

Where will we go afterwards?

I was thinking Chick-fil-A.

That's healthy, right?

Some of it is.

Grilled chicken.

Yeah, grilled chicken, right?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Grilled chicken with no bun.

I don't have a bun ever.

Yeah, that's very good then.

She has buns, though.

Should I take him a strict no-buns?

No bun policy from here on out.

Did him want to see wearing a t-shirt that says buns with a Ghostbuster slash through it?

We're trying, though.

No, it's good.

It's good.

I don't want to discourage you.

What you're doing is great.

I'm very proud of you guys.

Yeah, no, no.

And my wife has been going.

She hasn't, like I said, like Bri thought maybe she had been scared off by Giddam, but no,

she's more.

She's in.

She's She's all in.

She's all in, huh?

She listens to Gidam talk about his little device on his wrist that he got to track his steps and his sleep performance.

All right, so what you've just said is fascinating because we all go through this journey with Giddam.

Is she on the journey?

Is she starting to.

She is on the journey, but I don't know.

And I know, if I'm honest,

he might be slightly irked, though,

because she doesn't think that he has anything wrong with him

bothers him he hasn't he's been he's been prone to get very irate at people who say there's nothing wrong with him i know i saw it firsthand with eric right he was like you don't have autism and when and somebody else said it he got very upset too he gets very uh um upset by that and i guess in her her mind she's like she's thinking because i would tell him you don't seem retarded to me

you know and i said don't ever say that to him don't ever say there's nothing wrong with him, like,

because,

you know, he would be upset by that.

But I haven't said anything wrong.

Like, there's nothing wrong with him.

Right.

But I said to her, I was like, listen, I said, I thought the same thing, too, initially.

You just haven't spent enough time with him to see all the little

quirks and nuances and rules and regiment and things that he has to do.

I said, you just haven't been exposed to it.

That's why you think he's normal.

He's not.

I like how we're talking as if he's not in the next room, completely within your shot.

I think this is what he wants to hear, though.

He doesn't want to hear that.

There's nothing wrong with him.

That's true.

He gets upset by that.

He'll probably release it to the episode later, just to hear it again.

Yeah, but yeah, but she does.

She does say that

he does fixate, though.

She does say that, and that is a fixion spar.

She says he is prone to fixate on things, though, she finds.

I go, oh, yeah.

But otherwise, she's having a good time.

What did she notice that he fixated on?

Did she?

Well, I mean,

he fixates on explaining things.

Okay.

And explaining how, like, why it took him a month to order a tracker or whatever it's called, one of those exercises.

Telling Deb this shit?

What?

The bee story.

The bee story.

Or about why he, about his neighbor that

kept bees and telling us like every fucking useless piece of information other than just like, I live next to a guy that kept bees.

He told us, like, you know.

Get him.

Get him.

Tell Mary Beth about it.

She's fucking totally into bees, apiary shit.

Her grandfather was a beekeeper.

You want to talk bees?

That's your girl.

Yeah.

But like,

and then like get him, will always try to to pay for the meal.

And this is how I know she likes him, though.

Because at the whenever I get home, like whenever I'm home, we get home and we're talking about the walk, she goes, I don't know why he keeps saying that he has to pay.

You know, that really bogs me.

She goes, like, when we take our kids out, we pay for them, so why can't we pay for him too?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

So that's how I knew that she definitely doesn't mind him coming along because she's like, well, we pay for our kids, so we can pay for him too.

It's not a big deal.

He truly is her stepson.

That's amazing.

What are you going to do for Labor Day?

Labor Day?

What are we going to do?

I got nothing plans?

No, no barbecues.

I believe I've been invited to a barbecue.

Yeah, I'm having a little

get-together at my house, a little tiny thing.

Walt, I was going to extend you the invitation.

Okay.

See if you wanted to come down.

Bring your son.

Thank you.

Bring your son.

Okay.

You know, just let me know.

I will.

And you just.

Yeah, but that's all right.

That's okay.

No, no.

It's, yeah,

it's small, just hanging out in my yard, bullshit.

Are you back to work?

I am back to work, basically.

Yeah,

we start doing comedy

clubs this week.

Oh, Tuesday, Wednesday.

We have shows.

We're starting to polish the material that we have for the new tour and stuff like that.

And then

in two weeks, the Joker's writing room starts up again.

Oh, so you'll be right back in the thick of it, huh?

I'm already.

I'm already writing on something else already, so it's just work.

It's just back to work.

At least I'm still doing it from home, which is great.

That's good.

Yeah.

But I think we start shooting again in October if the fucking Delta variant, you know.

Or the

Lombardo, too.

Don't forget that one from Nicaragua.

Yeah, the Lombada.

The Forbidden Dance.

Forbidden Virus.

And then the, and I don't know, man.

We got like theaters and arenas coming up at the end of this year.

And I don't know if that's.

I mean, it looked so good a few weeks back.

And now it's like, I'm starting to get that feeling.

I'm like, are we going to be able to do this?

Is it responsible to do it?

A month ago, it would have been a no-brainer.

So I'm hoping things...

things get better because

responsible didn't you just earlier say all that matters is the green

Yeah, but yeah, but I mean, you know, you don't want to kill the people that you're trying to fucking.

All that matters is the green.

Not when it comes to impractical jokers, fans.

Not my.

Not your family?

Not my.

Those are my family.

Yeah, I can't.

They've been with us for 10 years, man.

I don't want to start a super spreader or some shit like that.

Imagine that.

There was a concert out in the UK somewhere, and they said there were about 47,000 people there and 5,000 cases of COVID, 5,000 new cases.

Wow.

What if IJ becomes a super spreader event?

Do they take a ding in their lovability?

You know what?

No one's forcing anybody to go to these things, though.

That's why, like, this thing in the UK, this concert in the UK, it's like 47,000 people showed up of their own accord.

Yeah.

You know, so, you know, at the end of the day, you're an adult.

You had to make the decisions that are best for you.

Yeah, I don't don't know.

I guess it remains to be seen.

I'm jazzed about getting back up on stage.

I'm not, you know, I just want to make sure it's done the right way.

But, you know, but yeah, to answer your question, along, we're back to work.

I'm back to work.

You can use this if you want.

Like, just

put it out there.

If you want to laugh, come see the Impractical Jokers.

If you want to be a giant fucking pussy, stay the fuck home.

Okay, yeah, I like it.

I think it's

tell true.

That's on me.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.