#487: We Got Musk

How often do you feel a baby's ass?

Yeah, fuck you, scientist.

I could see sunlight on the Flanagan's balls.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and Wolf.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Hello, and Walt.

Hello, welcome to this week's edition of Telling Steve Dave.

What's up, boys?

Hello, hello.

How you doing, Wolf?

Good.

You're right.

You guys are back from

a week break.

You guys went on vacation, right?

What do you like to talk about?

Or was it too fucking boisterous and too bawdy?

It got a little boisterous.

It got a little boyy.

Baudy, bawdy, naughty, no.

No, as they say.

Something that TMZ would love to get a sleep on.

It was a good thing that TMZ was not around the QS this last week.

Yeah, they would have come back with nothing.

We went jet skiing, Walt.

Yeah.

And we come up to to this little area and it was a guided tour because we're not mad enough to get it, you know.

Do you need a guided tour?

No, you could just rent a jet ski and go out,

but we didn't do that.

We got a tour around the island of Key West on the jet ski, right?

And it was me, Q and Jiggy, for those.

Chiggy.

And

we get up, and he's like, the guy's like giving the signal for stop.

We stop, and we were floating, and then dolphin just start flipping around us.

We were in a pod of dolphins.

Splashing us.

Within five, not like, like closer than the Baron was.

Like, it was just right.

They were jumping right in front of you, like laughing at you and shit like that.

It was awesome.

Are they trying to communicate with you?

Yeah, they were like looking at you.

They're super smart.

I don't know if you know that.

You could see it in their eyes.

So you're assuming he isn't super smart that he doesn't know the dolphins.

You're trying to smear one.

Catch that motherfucker.

I want to let it.

I want to ride it.

They're super horny, too.

I looked for that.

My first thing is I clenched up.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I didn't want to get it.

You didn't want anyone jumping in your jet ski and mounting you.

You hear stories about that all the time, though.

The jet ski's sinking.

Yeah.

Next thing you know, I'm getting reamed by a dolphin.

I know they get super horny, and I don't know if they're fans of practical jokes or something.

I was like, I got to play.

I assume they are.

Assume they are.

I clenched up my butt

real tight.

But it was a hell of a trip.

A lot of drinking.

How does it smell when you're that close to a dolphin?

I've been at the aquarium.

They kind of smell some of the worst offenders of fishy odors.

Well, I think that's because it was swimming around in the same water that they should piss in constantly.

These were free ocean dolphins, so

they seemed all right.

So I will be a little

judgmental on the dolphin community by saying that they're the most nasty of the odors.

I'm not going to let that experience taint your dolphin.

Well, I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

Like, he just, like, he jumped and did a flip right there in front of you.

Like, it was like, something at a SeaWorld?

Not as good as a SeaWorld flip, but definitely where they spin in the air.

Like, he was showing up for you.

Yeah, yeah.

It was awesome, man.

And the guy knew the pod.

He said that

they live in the.

Oh, they have a podcast.

Tell them Steve Dave.

Those dolphins know Tell him Steve Dave.

That's why they're fucking flipping for you.

It's like everywhere he goes, people are putting out a show for him.

I mean, it has to be said, I guess, that the tour guy did want a picture of me because he was some practical jokers afterwards, I guess.

But they,

What the fuck is that?

Rock and Roll All Night?

Yeah, you haven't been to the general store in a while.

It's got new decorations.

Yeah, that's a canvas wall-hanging poster of.

Oh, that's Tim the Record Guy?

Yeah, the podcast, Rock and Roll All Night and Podcast Every Day, a Patreon gift.

You were killing it on these Patreon gifts.

I walked in today to a fucking skateboard deck?

To a skateboard deck.

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Well, thank you.

He's killing it, and he's about to kill himself with

the post office.

Yeah, the post office is a fucking nightmare, especially with a skateboard deck.

But since I've retired, you know, I told you guys I was going to put all my efforts into the gifts and the Patreon.

It's paying off.

I never seen shit this cool.

And then I lost my four-color demons hat.

Yep.

And thank you for replacing that.

Dolphin stole it.

You're welcome.

Dolphin's wearing it right now.

That would be great.

Like if it got hooked onto his fin and he was wearing it around.

Oh, God.

Or when Bloho had killed them.

Like on the news, they're pulling it or shit.

What's this shit?

How else was the trip, though?

It was a block.

I mean, what would you say, dude?

It doesn't sound like much.

Right.

But we rented a golf cart.

Oh, okay.

Best money Q spent the whole trip.

Were you on a golf course?

No, we weren't.

It's just like to touch around town because it's like it's.

I've been there.

You've been to.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

I know it's very

congested.

Congested.

And

the streets look like old,

like something out of

the 16th 16th century.

Yeah.

I think the only way that you could find easier parking and get around easier is if you'd rented one of those scooters.

But the golf cart, I think

that was the wise choice.

I don't want to drive in anything ever besides the golf cart.

We had so much fun.

Because like Duval Street, which is like the Bourbon Street down there, right?

Is

jamming

all the time from like noon on.

So we would just get in the golf cart and just like cruise up and down.

And it's like like a mile long, Duval.

Yeah.

So we would just cruise up and down the ball, like down Duval, see all the fucking freaks and weirdos, and then we would like whip around.

Are there a lot?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's awesome.

And then we would like do the side streets.

It was my favorite parts of the vacation were on that fucking.

Just driving around looking at people.

Yeah.

And getting, getting places where, like, normally it was just, it

lends to being to lays as well because you're like, all right, we stayed all the way at the end of Duval Street.

So we're like, we want to go to Hemingway House.

How fucking far of a walk is is that going to be?

Yeah.

And it's not cool.

No.

So it was like 95 degrees and fucking almost

cart.

It's gorgeous.

You can't feel it at all.

Yeah.

Did you guys, I mean, from what I know, I've only been to Key West once.

Yeah.

Looks like drinking is a vital part of the Key West experience.

Did you guys refrain from drinking?

Or did you?

I'll put it this way.

So Simi,

True TV Simi, now works for me.

Do you understand?

Simmy works for me now.

I don't understand.

I hired Simmy.

We hired Simmi.

We started a production company.

No, this is a story.

So we hired Simmy.

We started a production company, Practical Justice.

We hired Simmy to run it for us.

He calls me for important business at noon.

I said, Simmy, I'm too drunk to talk right now.

I go, I've been drinking it.

I started with a fucking Bloody Mary at 9 a.m., buddy.

I was like, I'm five drinks in.

I was like, I don't know what you're trying to talk to me about right now.

But I was like, it's got to wait until I'm back next week.

Nice.

Yeah, it was that.

What about you, Brian?

I mean, Simmy works for me now.

Yeah.

I want that clear.

Simmy didn't call me.

Yes.

Did you hear that, Simmy?

I know it's funny.

I know it's funny.

Oh, so this is like some, this is a get-back,

man.

You know, for some slights, whether

they're real or not real.

I'm going to have him come in here.

Let's get Simmy in here.

Remember what you said?

I don't know.

I mean,

I can't help but notice the shift in power.

There is no shift in power.

He still tells me what to do, and I just do it.

So he doesn't work for True TV anymore?

No, he doesn't work for True TV.

He works for, we started a production company.

And

Simmy is running it for us.

Yeah.

Hey, if you guys need skateboard decks or hats,

you want to stay in that game?

I can get those made for your production.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to say I'm a little bummed

when I look over at Q because a big part of the trip was looking for Laramar pinky rings.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

And he doesn't have his on.

I wore mine especially, so that you know.

What is that?

It's just a stone.

It's a gem of the sea.

Yeah.

It's a gemstone that you can only find in the Dominican Republic, and it's sold to tourists at 800 times the markup.

So, so

this is like a

bromance kind of like brotherhood.

Yeah.

Bromance.

Brotherhood.

Whatever, you know.

Potato potato.

Potato tomato.

Yeah.

Well, what happened was I was there with a girl years ago, and I bought her a Laramire

necklace.

And we were making fun of how ugly

Laramer is, and how I clearly got ripped off.

And I don't know where the girl is today.

I definitely don't know where the fuck a pendant is today.

And we're laughing about how I wasted my money.

And you know how that translates into, well, now we got to get Larry Mar rings.

So we spent a good amount of the vacation looking for the right perfect Larimer ring.

And you guys found them, but Q has taken his off.

Like, once the vacation was over.

Yeah, he's like, fuck Brian, fuck Lyramar.

Well, no, I don't have.

Normally I wear a ring.

I didn't put any of it.

Yeah, you don't have your other ring on.

Yeah.

And Jiggy got one.

Jiggy was taking some lumps on

Instagram, though.

Why?

Because of his.

Go ahead, say it.

What do you think?

I was going to say because maybe he doesn't have

the finger to pull off of a ring.

You have fat, manly, muscular fingers, Brian.

Oh, okay.

Well, here's a picture I put on Instagram.

I'll let you try to decide who's who.

Well, I have the same kind of fingers as Jiggy does.

Yeah.

Chiggy fingers.

It was very close to my nickname on the 1-true 3 Blue Juice Spectacular when I didn't reveal

my name at the football game.

Really?

I'm not remembering.

It was.

Oh, yeah.

You never revealed that.

I had a customer at the general store trying to reflect on it.

I told him he could only ask five questions.

And one of the questions was: you know, he wanted me to reveal what that name was.

And I told him, I just can't do it.

That would be a betrayal to all the people that were there that I asked to never reveal it.

I believe that's on the $500 tier.

But was he taking it?

Because, you know, they were like, well, who's the chick that got the

thought it might have been Sage's hand?

Poor Jiggy, man.

He got it.

It's funny because Jiggy's from Key West originally.

Not originally, but he lived there for a good amount of time.

And his father ran a bar down there.

And I know his father did it.

I've seen pictures of it.

Like, his father ran a bar down there.

There's no doubt.

But every local that had lived there for, and his father ran it for like 11 years, right?

It wasn't a small...

There's no memory of it.

Every local was like, no.

One when Flat Out called him a liar in front of us.

So we were just ripping on him.

We were like, ah, what's up, Jiggy?

You lying to us?

So the bar, he couldn't even show it to you, which bar it was.

Well, he could show us the structure, but it wasn't that bar anymore oh they have remodeled it and everything wasn't it wasn't a bar it was it was a city-owned building and they turned it into something else yeah like an office or some shit like that how do they get so many liquor licenses in that one little town that to me seems a little like overboard what all the liquor does town is based on liquor tourism and liquor yeah you're gonna give away as many as you can

it's hard to get a liquor license though around here though i wonder why it's so easy down here

maybe more per square mile or something you know they just they change the rules they're like well well, how can the government's like, how can we make as much money as possible and still look like we care a little bit?

Well, plus, some of the bars open down there have been there for like 50 years or something like that.

But what a trip, man.

I missed it.

Every day I'm like, fuck, I wish we were back there.

Yeah, like the day we left, the next day I was like, fuck, we should have just stayed the extra day.

We should have just stayed the extra day.

They were treasure hunters.

Yeah, but yeah.

Q got real into treasure hunting like in a very brief period of time.

This is the man that could do it, though.

He has the funds to,

you know, to actually go out and do a real live treasure hunt, rent the boat, rent the equipment, you know, find a map.

I don't have the money.

There aren't many expenditures that Q would incur that I would be like, please don't do this.

But if he got real into treasure hunting where he wants to fund his own boat and he's hiring people for an expedition, I'd be like, oh, Q.

Well, you don't think there's any treasure out there to find?

There's lots of treasure to find, but it

what would it take him, ten years?

What's his name?

Mel Fisher.

Mel Fisher took him 10 years to find something?

Yeah, he brought his family to financial ruin.

But then he finds a $450 million find.

But we met this kid who found, he was the only treasure hunter.

Who's his name?

Zach.

If you're listening, Zach.

He was the only treasure hunter for a couple of years, and he already found his first gold coin, which we were told almost never happens.

And that one coin, about that big, $98,000 was worth it.

Where did he find it?

He wouldn't tell me.

He wouldn't.

He's like, we can't, we're not allowed to say where we found it.

He started diving like crazy, just like snorkeling and and like come back up when our lungs were about to burst.

So I brought him over to the table and we had, we asked him some treasure hunting questions.

It's pretty interesting, like, that somebody's like, I'm going to do this as a vocation.

Like, this is going to be my thing.

Today's the day.

That's what Mel Fisher says.

Today's the day.

He sees it.

Yeah.

To which I countered, like, today's not the day, and it's probably not going to be tomorrow either.

Yeah.

And you got to have that cynical.

If you don't have that cynical attitude, you're just setting yourself up for major, major heartache and disappointment.

You may find a few gold coins here at Air.

Maybe, but most likely it's just going to be heartache and fucking misery.

Just in general, like, think about how my life would be if I were optimistic.

Do you know how disappointed I would be all the time?

I mean, I don't know.

I would argue that you're doing all right.

You got a lovely wife.

You got a career that you enjoy.

Like, what is it that you're not liking?

A game that we played when we were on this trip.

A game that was introduced.

A drinking game?

No.

I wish it was a drinking game.

That way it would have salved my fucking pain.

It's a game called Left-Right Center.

Left-right center.

Okay.

So it's a political game.

It's a dice game.

No.

It's a dice game.

And what you do, you want to explain it, Q, you're the guy who.

And you invented this game?

No, no, no.

He brought the fucking dice.

I brought the dice.

It's awesome.

So basically, the idea is this, and I'll explain it.

Like, each of us at this table, there's three of us, have $3, three single $1 bills, right?

And there's these dice, and you roll the dice.

And then

you either get a dot, which means you keep your dollar, or you get an L, which means you pass one of your dollars to the left, or you get a R, which means you pass a dollar to the right, or a C, which means you put it in the center.

Those are the only options.

You keep a dollar, you pass a dollar, or you put a dollar in the center.

And you just keep rolling the dice until as the dollars go in the center, it gets narrowed down

until there's only three dollars left, or there's a dollar left, or you're out, and it's just me and him playing.

And then whoever's left with the last dollar wins the pot.

Okay, so like if you roll all C's, all in the center.

You get everything in the center.

No, no, no.

You give your dollars to the center.

But if it was down to you and me and we only had one dollar each and you rolled a C, your dollar would go in the center.

I would win and then get it.

How does somebody win all the dollars in the center?

What do you got to roll?

There's always, well, it's not a matter what you roll.

Like, as long as you roll a C.

Well, let's say it's me and you, and there's only two dollars left in the game.

If you rolled an R, you would have to pass your dollar bill right.

You got no more dollars, I win.

If you give us to the center, you got no more dollars, I win.

So that's how the dice goes until everybody that's rolling the dice, you go to the bottom.

Well, there's nobody to the left of me, no?

Well, Brian's to the left of you.

Yeah, I would be to the left of you.

There's always somebody.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

He just said it was me and him, though, and nobody else.

Well, then if you rolled an L, then if you rolled an L, then you would give me your dollar, and then he's in the game.

It sounds like you lost a lot of money in this.

It wasn't the money.

Because it's like we were only playing $3

at at a time until we did the final.

I wasn't even part of the group.

Yeah, some fucking guy.

The last one was $5.

So it was like, you know, we played $3, $5.

I didn't won once.

I didn't win once the whole trip.

We played 11 times.

Statistically, I should have won at least twice.

The last time I lost, I've never come so close to just being like, I need to take a walk.

Because I'm not a competitive person.

I'm used to losing and shit.

Oh, I didn't realize you were really that angry.

I thought you were acting it up a bit.

Oh, no.

No, I was pissed.

Oh, now I feel good for laughing so hard.

Oh, no, it's great.

I wouldn't have won it any other way.

Did you ever suspect loaded dice?

Oh, yeah.

Suspect or accused.

Because I won seven times out of 11.

Yeah.

He won a lot of times.

Yeah, even I would have been like,

I wanted my own dice.

I want to get my own dice and play with them.

I don't even know where he got them.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I mean.

I don't know where you got them, though.

yes they sell them everywhere do they that i never heard of this and then we would play we would randomly play so we would be like wherever we were i'd pull over the golf cart and we'd shoot dice you know what i mean really yeah so drinking rolling bones

and ugly women dolphins i mean it's the 180 degree difference between the grand canyon trip with me and a Q-trip.

Q-trip is a little different.

It's a different speed.

It's like it's at 100 100 miles per hour and if you can't keep up oh we were on a golf cart

17 miles an hour if you can't keep up you might lose all you might lose everything yeah all your money i lost i lost uh well we played 11 games played 10 games at three bucks so that's thirty dollars and then the last one was fifteen so another another fifteen so that's forty five bucks

yeah it's not the money it's the losing you might not be

built for a hundred mile per hour trip no i'm just saying you might not be built for a hundred mile per hour trip you you need you need to go in the slow lane with when i take a trip this is more of that good boy talk isn't it there's more of that good boy talk

because it sounds it sounds feminine good boy but um you know you want to be it could still be macho the the uh the slow lane

i agree i agree i don't i i don't what are you going to have more tornado i get so many tornado warnings

this summer's

yeah

i sent him a giant version of the game.

Maybe we can fight it.

Yeah, we had wholesome.

We did a tour.

Wholesome?

Okay.

We did a ghost tour.

You want to take this over, my friend?

Oh, the ghost tour.

First, the ghost tour was talked up.

I mean, I've been to Key West many times.

It's supposedly a very haunted place, right?

Yes.

Lots of ghosts, lots of ghosts.

Ghost sightings.

Lots of sightings, lots of haunted bars, that kind of thing.

And I've been to Key West many times, only twice without Q.

I've probably been there like seven or eight times, only twice without Q.

And I've never taken the tour with anybody.

So this time we're like, all right, Q, vouch for the tour.

He's like, it's fine.

I love

it.

This would have been the third or fourth time I've done it.

It's a trolley, but not, but you know, car wheels, like, it's not, but it's made to look like an old trolley, okay?

Painted black, and they put like

candelabra on the inside and cobwebs.

So they go all out.

Yeah, they go all out.

And the ghost.

And the tour is hosted by a ghost who died on the island.

So they So

he gives you his history.

It's an actor.

He's an actor.

They give him like the dark circles.

So he's in costume in fucking 100-degree weather.

He's all decked out.

Stays in costume.

Stays in character the whole time.

Does like ghostly puns.

Points out.

It is a fucking bless.

And then when you're driving around, there's a thing on Key West where if you're in this thing, people on the street who have taken the tour know to

yell a certain phrase at the tour bus.

And that's, you are doomed.

So when the tour bus go by, people will just go, you are doomed.

And then you on the tour bus, the whole trolley has to go, yes, we are the doomed.

And it's corny, but it's so much fucking fun.

It's like Rocky Horror Picture, you just get into it, you're there.

So, the nights leading up to the tour, because we did on the last night, the trolley would go by, and they'd be like, We gotta yell, we gotta yell, and then we'd yell, and then the trolley would go, and then the whole bar would go, like, everybody loves it.

Yeah, now, is this

way more fun for Q because he's fucking been drinking fucking Bloody Mary since 9 a.m.

Or what do you mean?

What do you mean?

Into, like, we are doomed, like yelling it, and yes, we are.

If he was stone cold silver?

Well, let me say this.

It's quite like U.S.

experience.

It's a good thing Simmy didn't call him when he was on the tour.

Not when you're on the golf cart, though, right?

You guys are completely fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta be responsible.

The lady who did our tour, I'm pretty sure was the ghost of Sad Sack.

The affect, flat.

Like, she would talk like this, as if this means that you're haunted.

I mean, I have nothing to compare it to, but it was so shitty unto itself.

I mean, she lacked any charisma whatsoever.

Yeah, she had no charisma, no pizza.

At what time of the day did you book this tour?

This was the last one, so this is at 10 o'clock.

I've been doing it all day.

No, no, they only run from 7 to 10.

Okay, so she's already done two tours already.

At most, they have different tour guides.

Yeah.

So

I'm not giving her a pass.

I'm not going to give her a pass.

It was too expensive.

It was like $65 to go.

No, $65.

Oh, really?

Okay, I've had an hour tour for my fucking tour.

Hell.

Oh, yeah.

When I see people, man, I'm like, hey, have you listened to that episode yet?

Like, I went to my urologist today.

Shout out to Dr.

Cristiano.

And I was like, hey, have you listened to what's going on?

Like, your your girl just listens to Tom Steve, David?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, he lives in the area.

Is that a conflict of interest?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't want my doctor listening to

the things I say on a podcast.

The guy puts his finger in my asshole.

Shout out to what I say.

Yeah.

No matter what I say.

Yeah, I don't know.

That would just feel like really like.

Would he come on the show?

He probably would.

Oh, I would love to talk about that.

Yeah, I'll ask him.

Yeah, he's like, so he does this on a regular basis, not just your asshole, right?

i would hope not

oh yeah the next time you're there ask him he'll come on all right yeah well i did ask him i said have you have you listened to the westward hook because i just want as many people as possible to listen to that tour guide story i'm like you've got to hear it it's unbelievable uh but yeah so this lady was not great terrible she was pretty terrible and it's one of those you guys tip her yeah

i had to.

And for me, it was because I know how good the tour could be.

Yeah.

And I was so looking forward to it.

And I was so looking forward to them that I was so, like, the minute she started talking, I was like, fuck.

I already know.

But then it got so bad that I started to enjoy how bad it was because I was looking at him and Jiggy, and their faces were so stunned that I pushed this shit for three days straight.

That's what Jiggy said he enjoyed turning around and looking at me being like, what?

So, like, the slave thing was like so.

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't get my head around it.

She brought up slavery and talked about it for a good like what five minutes?

So long.

Yeah.

She was like just because it was this is a mass slavery grave somewhere on the tour.

And like she was just going on about slavery in graphic detail to the point where you're like you're like okay I got it.

Like is she getting off on talking about like because she was talking about sores on slaves wrists and shit like that and you're like none of this is necessary.

I mean it is a horror themed tour right so you want to but it's not fucking saw it's supposed to be like ghosts and shit.

Yeah, it's supposed to be like light-hearted, not like I don't want

haunted rum runner.

So you guys want Walt Disney's haunted mansion?

A little bit, yeah.

You don't want like something like

disturbing.

Yeah.

She got off.

She pulls up.

She stops.

She stops the tour at the at the mass grave and then gets off with an umbrella

and like walks across the parking lot with her old like costume high heels click click click click click click and then starts pointing with the umbrella where these poor slaves are buried like and talking about them.

And you're just like,

nobody wants to hear about this.

And you're standing on these people's graves, like, fucking pointing out an umbrella, making a show of it.

Like, oh, yeah.

Sounds like fucking Dick Van Dyke and Harry Poppins.

I never did it before in any other tours that I was on.

It was a real weird.

Really?

So, yeah, it got too real.

It got a little too real.

Yeah.

Nobody wanted to.

I mean,

not one person on that tour, I think.

You know, it is.

Yeah, it's very rare that somebody brings it up to be like, hey, let's get some pep.

He turned to me at one point.

He's like, why does she keep talking about slavery?

I'm like, I don't know.

And the driver was this really pretty black woman, and I could keep seeing her face and like the rearview mirror thing.

I kept looking at her to see if she was rolling her eyes because it was really weird how much she talked about like the abuses of slavery.

Were you now, was this a private tour?

Did you guys have to go with the other, some other tourists?

No, we went with other tourists.

Okay, now were the other tourists as like

bewildered by the topic, or did they just roll away?

They were talking so much at one point she offered to let people off the tour if they didn't want to finish it.

She actually said that?

She had no choice.

It was

like, I'd rather get dropped off a mile and a half from the fucking.

I was ready to jump off.

I actually said, guys, I said, I know how good this tour can be.

This is not it.

We're going to waste our time if we stay on it.

Let's just get off here and go back to the drinking fun parts.

And for whatever reason, Jingy did not want to get off.

Yeah, probably the 65 bucks.

You're like, maybe the hope that it'll get better.

I've rarely been on a tour that I can recall that went well.

I mean, there was one that I was on a tour in Boston, and the tour guy just everywhere that we stopped, he just told stories about how he got drunk celebrating a Patriots win to the point that people were so, I loved it, though, because I had a Brady jersey on, and I'm like, yeah.

But there was people who were getting visibly angry and were like, we came on a tour to see Boston, not to hear about where you partied after Tom Brady won MVP

against

the Falcons.

But he just would not stop.

And I, like I said, the Grand Canyon tour.

I think tour guides, they burn out probably.

Because they got to talk about the same thing with the same level of excitement for every group.

I think that

it's probably got a high turnover ratio because

it's tough to bring that excitement to every tour.

Same shit day after day after day the same stuff.

Yeah, it's like being a Twitch streamer.

You gotta

fucking check it out, but but like he but then don't do it.

But you might, you know, you might be stuck in a job.

You know, you need that, you need the money.

Then do it.

I mean, like a lot of people like hate their jobs, but they still got to do it.

Put it this way.

The last time I took this tour,

I actually only one of three times in my life did this, wrote a letter to the company to say how good the person was.

Oh, okay.

I was like, this person was excellent.

You got to give them a raise.

Everybody should be trained by this person because they were in fucking ghost mode the entire hour.

Probably had just started a week before.

They were all gung-ho.

You know, but you probably, if you see, if you booked that guy about a year later, he'd probably be talking about slavery.

I mean, I'm going to be a ghost in two minutes.

And bed sores, and every other horrible thing that you could bring up to ruin your vacation.

I don't think she was burned out.

I just think she was terrible.

Yeah, I think she was just awful.

Yeah, I think she was just bad at it.

Like, really?

It made me wonder how she got the job.

Yeah.

Like, that's how bad she was.

It might be hard to get people these days.

Nepotism, probably, in the tourism industry.

Oh, you think so?

Oh, definitely.

Somebody's fucking kid.

Somebody's fucking nice.

There was another, it wasn't a tour, but there was a guide when we went to the aquarium.

And this is only worth mentioning because it's this

kid who's talking about sharks.

You know, he's like 22.

A shark feeding.

He was a pretty young guy.

Yeah.

He's like a young, 22-year-old kid.

He's talking about shark feeding and shark facts and all this other shit.

And then just for some reason, he goes, what did he say?

He was like, and don't worry, ladies, if it's your time of the month you can still go swimming

he was on the other side of the tank because they they give the tour over this tank and and yeah he was talking about yeah sharks sharks can smell blood a mile away but they generally they're very lazy he goes but they don't like the smell of menstrual blood no he said they're he goes they're opportunity killers he goes they won't come from a mile away for the blood he goes so if you got a cut in the ocean it's fine no problem ladies if it's that time of the month you can go in the water and we were like what were the ladies reactions?

Were they like

his jaw dropped?

Yeah, everybody was like,

I think it's one of those moments where everybody's like, what did he say?

Yeah.

Like, because you just can't believe he said it.

But it seemed like it was a little personal joke to him, right?

It seemed like he was a bit like, fuck you, people.

Yeah.

Or maybe he thinks that he's, you know, he's got that sense of humor.

He thinks that, like, this will kill him.

Come on, man.

If we worked on Comic Book, man, we had fucking two of the guys we worked with fucking would have dropped that joke and thought it was fucking hilarious.

And then said douche after it.

But there were little kids there.

It's just like, it was like.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

he said the time in the month, so maybe he gets around it.

Because it's still,

you know, he doesn't say like, he didn't call it.

He doesn't drop a P-bomb.

Yeah.

No, he didn't.

But I still think, like, he probably could have just stopped with the cut on the hand.

Definitely.

Not thinking about vaginal.

Did he know you?

No.

I don't Did he recognize you?

I actually got away with a lot this week.

We really didn't get bothered that much.

Yeah, no.

I would say

I was surprised that you didn't get recognized more.

This is not a slight to you.

I think people are just so wasted walking around.

They don't know what it is.

Okay, that one fucking waiter was the one.

Oh, yeah.

He got recognized.

Oh, dude.

He was like.

Q, you're not doing anything.

Take a picture.

He was that guy.

Come on, Q.

He goes, Brian, Brian, come on, let's go.

It's picture time.

I was sitting eating.

The waiter comes up.

It's picture time.

And then he dropped an insult on me.

He goes, come on, you know I'm the only person today that asked for your photo.

Let's go.

Man, the photo then insults him.

So I look at the guys and I'm like, this is my life.

I said it right in front of the guy.

And then I just got up and I took the picture.

I go, what the fuck am I going to do?

It's picture time.

You can't do anything.

You can't do anything.

One of the things that I liked about the trip also is I never ran out of meundis.

Yeah.

I brought many pairs because I knew it was going to fucking sweat them up.

Yeah.

So, you know how people say imagine everyone in their underwear to make you feel more comfortable?

As if imagining a room full of strangers down to their skivvies is what makes us comfy?

Really, because I mean, most of the people in a room you're not going to want to see in their underwear, right?

You're only attracted to a certain type of person.

But I thought the old wives' tale was like if you're having stress.

You know, remember in the Brady Bunch, it was like, you know, imagine

a spring structure.

Like, you know, somebody was nervous about taking a car test or driving test.

And I think, I don't know if it was the Brady Bunch or is it one of those sitcoms, and it was like, that's why I first heard that joke.

Like, you would just imagine them in their underwear, and that'll like pop the stress balloon, and you won't feel any anxiety.

I don't think that really is accurate.

I don't know.

I've never met anybody that could say, Yeah, you know how I battle stress?

I imagine you in your underwear.

Yeah, most people say so.

I imagine you in your underwear.

Well, it's supposed to be strangers, supposed to be people you don't know, I guess.

Miyondis believes comfort.

Most dudes are imagining fucking girls in their underwear anyway.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, that's why we're all stress-free and shit.

Myundis believes comfort does not start with imagining, but instead it starts with actual comfort.

Modal.

Modal, man.

That's the only word you need to know when it comes to the underwear game.

Modal is like vibranium.

It's a secret.

Nobody knows where it's made.

What the hell is vibranium?

Vibranium is a music.

Yeah, it's like from Black Panther.

Oh, Black Panther.

I think Modal is the real vibranium in this world.

Nobody knows how it's made.

Nobody knows what country it originates from.

It's the Neandis, you know, it's their most guarded secret, Modell.

I mean, evidently it grows on trees or it's part of a tree or something.

It's a special tree.

It's not for guys like us to know.

We're just, we're designed to wear them.

That's it, man.

Just be, just be lucky that Meondy's has graced us, graced the world with Modell.

I agree.

It's because it didn't get all soaked and I didn't get like rash between my legs and shit.

Chubb rushed rash.

Let's see.

That's where your thighs rub together and they get all like chafed.

You never got that?

No.

Oof, it's horrible.

I have thigh gap.

You sound sweet.

You didn't notice.

You never walked behind me and got his thigh gap.

I guess I'm trying to show it off.

I was trying to accentuate it.

I could see sunlight on the Flanagan's balls.

He's He's working on it.

Kegel's like.

He's just fucking doing it.

It's designed to be the softest thing on Dare We Say It This Planet.

Baby bottoms.

Yeah, they're old news.

How often do you feel a baby's ass?

Miyundi's signature micro-modile fabric literally grows from, oh, there you go.

Grows from trees.

Making their Miyundis not only super soft, but also sustainable.

They offer different cuts because they just get it.

We've got different butts.

Check out their undies socks, bralettes, loungewear, and even more ranging from sizes sizes extra small to 4XL.

And Miyundi's has a great offer for you listeners for any first-time purchasers.

You get 15% off in free shipping.

Meandy's also has their problem-free philosophy.

If you're not satisfied with any product for any reason, they'll refund or exchange it.

No caveats, no questions.

I mean, how can you go wrong?

So you get 15% off your first order, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Go to meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

All right.

You know what?

I really, I mean, I would like to call Troy.

I want to ask him something.

Seven buddies.

Hey, what's going on?

You're on Tell'em Steve Dave, my friend.

Hey, Troy.

All right.

What's going on, guys?

Got a question for you.

I watch a lot of cops, as you know.

The TV show.

I watch it on YouTube.

When a suspect

swallows drugs, you know, like it seems like they're always swallowing these little glassine envelopes full of meth or crack or whatever the fuck.

fuck.

When they swallow that, whose job is it to retrieve it?

They would send them to the hospital.

Oh, they got to go to the hospital for it.

Yeah, yeah.

And then what, they just wait for it to come out and then, but then who has to look for it?

I've never personally dealt with it, but I would imagine at the hospital, maybe they induce vomiting.

Oh, so it doesn't come out the other end, you don't think?

Right, or they don't only die, you know, which is the primary reason they would send them to the hospital because they're concerned that the person might go to even from swallowing the drugs.

Like, recover the evidence would be secondary to that.

Gotcha.

I thought evidence was number one, man.

Well, this being, you know, this era and everything that happened this year, I'm just my opinion.

So I self-doubt everything.

I'll give you the most milk-to-sell vanilla answer I can.

There you go.

All right, so they go to the hospital.

And then they try to make it throw up.

And if not, then somebody's got to fish it out.

Somebody has that job.

Right.

Once they get to the hospital, it's really all the doctors just to make sure the person doesn't die from swallowing the drugs.

Gotcha.

You ever swallow drugs, Walt?

I've never.

I don't think I've ever

eaten anything.

I don't think I've ever even come close to swallowing anything that looked like a balloon.

Not even a rubber.

I know it's a lie.

All right, buddy.

Thank you.

I just wanted to ask you that.

I'm surprised you didn't just Google that.

that.

That you needed someone.

Yeah, you needed Troy to type it.

Google always has different answers, man.

Like, we have the pipeline.

Right, but you actually thought that they would station the rookie.

I thought it might be a rookie.

Jones,

you're stationed here until

that guy takes a number two, and then you got to dig through it.

Come on.

Troy.

I got a buddy that someday when he's retired, I have to invite him on to show that guy some crazy stories.

He works in Marco.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So the time time will come for that.

We got to get these guys to retire, man.

They have all these good stories.

I know.

I spoke to you at the barbecue about that.

I said, one day we should start a pod where he has a lot of firemen, dive on cops, and they just told war stories.

But not even like the exciting shit, just the funny stories.

All right, great show.

Someday.

Someday.

We'll go.

One day when we're both.

How much longer are you?

How many more years you got on the force before you're thinking about, you know, retiring?

I don't know.

I could have left almost five years ago, but, you know, I got kids at home, and the longer I stay,

the better my pension is going to be.

And I don't want to leave and do some job that I hate.

So I'll just keep working.

Because if I retired now, I would have to get another job.

And it won't be something I enjoy doing.

So I'd rather just keep doing the job I enjoy.

We might have an opening at the general store.

Yeah, get them getting fired.

You give me a car to travel back and forth to Jersey.

I'm in.

Okay.

There's room for a know-it-all.

Another one?

All right, homie.

We'll talk to you soon.

Bye, guys.

Be good.

Talk to you later.

Yeah, I gotta say, I really was hoping that it was like he'd have a story about some rookie needing to

needing to clean up some shit.

You're hoping.

Yeah, not the case, though.

Did you hear about the stolen Frenchie Walt?

I've been hearing nothing but stories.

People just send me, you know, these horror stories about

these

these um unfortunate French bulldogs being stolen it's like it's heartbreaking so there's two women arrested after stealing ten thousand dollar French bulldog from Texas store a dog ten thousand dollars it must have been a female because that they're more valuable than the males because you know they can give you more French bulldogs it was a little 14 week old uh a woman asked to see a of two women sorry asked to see a 14 week old French bulldog named Mario you know they ran out of the mall right with her or the store yeah they just grabbed it and ran and hopped into a silver PT cruiser with no license plates.

Not a great plan, though, right?

I mean, you've got to have a better plan than that to just take off with it.

I mean,

I hate to say it, but these pet stores are going to have to hire armed security now.

If you're in a

shooting somebody because they're stealing a dog.

I would want a cop to shoot somebody if they were, if, like, if somebody walked into the yard and grabbed Cooper.

Right.

You know, if I didn't have my gun at hand, I would want

my neighbor or if a copy

to take that person out.

A headshot would be okay in my

for if you know to keep Cooper at home safe.

It's interesting you should say that because I there's there's another story that

that

a Texas man arrested for abandoning dog on a highway

on the side of the road.

A Texas man, this fucking asshole right here, this fucking piece of shit.

Oh my God.

He was allegedly, he was busted for allegedly abandoning a dog on the side of the road last Wednesday in a heartbreaking scene that was recorded by a witness.

He was nabbed two days later and charged with animal cruelty for allegedly leaving a pooch, a husky, behind, as he drove away in a light-colored Jeep.

And I saw the fucking video of, like, because

somebody was just there with their camera, their phone.

They record the guy getting out, putting the dog on the side of the road and driving away, and the dog starts running after the truck.

Dude, I was like,

I'm not a soft touch.

But holy shit, when I saw that,

but then the good part is that, like, somebody

a thousand people see it and immediately the dog

want to bring that dog into a good home.

I heard an amazing story you guys know Tom Mum?

Sure, of course.

Yeah, he told me a story that just like such a good story if this is the if we end on this I don't know how close we are, but boy, this is an uplifting one.

He said that his son had come down to visit him with his girlfriend for his birthday and they were driving home late at night in Florida and they got into there was a 10-car pileup accident that someone's in and you know wrecked the car and you know everybody was okay though but they had their two dogs in their car so they they they had to get out of this wrecked car so they opened the doors and as they opened the doors to get out they're trying to crawl out because they know on oncoming traffic it's a 10 car pileup they want to get out to the side of the road because cars are just ramming or just there's not enough time to stop

this this this crackup and their dogs got out of the car and are so like

you know like terrified because they've just been in a been in a car accident, they just take off in different directions on a highway.

And

they were lucky.

One dog was picked up just, I don't know, relatively close to the scene

on an on-coming ramp to the to the highway.

A car stopped and got the dog in the car.

The other dog they couldn't find anywhere, and they had to leave because they had to go to hospital to make sure they didn't have any internal bleeding.

So they had to leave the

site of the accident and abandon their dog who just ran away.

So they're thinking, they're on a major highway in Florida.

Either A, someone found the dog, someone hit the dog, or the dog is hiding in the woods.

You know, there's only three.

Alligator fucking gets in.

So they proceed to go back to the site after they got released from the hospital and look for the dog for eight straight days.

Oh, my God.

Eight days, you know, putting food out.

And on the eighth day, you know, it's looking hopeless.

And they go home from

the site and they get a call at like 2 o'clock in the morning that

the guy who towed their car,

who towed their car out of there was listening to them talk about how their dog got out and everything and how they're looking for their dog and everything.

They told

the tow truck driver this.

And that tow truck driver was awakened.

at like two o'clock in the morning by a dog barking at his front door and it was their dog.

He doesn't even live near the the site.

He says.

Was it still in the car or something?

They think that, like, the theory is that the dog maybe smelled the car on his truck.

Oh, wow.

I mean, how else could this dog just wind up at his house?

Dude, dogs are fucking crazy with that smell.

Dogs are amazing creatures, man.

Like, you watch,

again, you watch something like cops and shit, how fucking fast those dogs.

First off, I don't think they teach the command stop, like when

dogs do attack people, because the dogs never let go, the guy's like, ah, screaming his head off, and the dog's like, ah,

and just will not fucking let go.

But then they have like the, you know, the ones that are like

tracing for scent and shit, and it's like they go miles.

Yeah.

Like, fucking miles.

How do you explain that, though?

How's a dog just find that truck, though?

Yeah.

What was it that brought him to that guy's house?

Did anybody sit in the cab of the truck with him or no?

I don't know.

Yeah, there's a lot that I like.

I just was hearing that story just like fucking

amazing.

But yeah, that's a good story, though.

Like, everybody got out, nobody was hurt, and the dogs are now all returned home.

Oh, that makes me happy to hear it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a good story.

Because remember my cat, Brooklyn, I found on the BQE, like, going to, and then, like, there's no doubt if I hadn't picked her up, she'd be splattered, without a doubt, another five minutes almost.

And every time I drive past that, which is a lot

when I'm working, but lately I've been driving a lot into Manhattan, and And every time I trust that spot, I imagine my, because now she's been my cat for seven years.

I imagine now if I saw my cat on that street and I get that anxiety every time where I'm like, you can't, I can't even imagine

two dogs running in each direction on the highway.

I mean, there's oncoming traffic, they're running.

I would, yeah,

stress and anxiety would be, would be just like

overbearing.

It would just like, it would make you fall to your knees.

Like, who do you run to?

Right.

And if you're chased, you're never going to catch him anyway, though.

I was in Maryland at one of those

at a rest stop, the kind that are like in the middle.

Like, you know, it's in like an island in the middle of sort north and south.

And there was a guy walking a dog, and he goes like to fiddle with the dog's collar, and the dog's like jumping all over the place and shit.

Somehow, the dog gets off the leash and is like, I mean, as fast as, as fast as you know,

that's my dogs.

And it just disappeared.

Yeah, I always marvel at like these dogs, like dog owners owners who walk on a major highway with their dog with no leash, and they're so confident that their dog is never going to leave their side.

I've never had a dog like that.

You could never do it.

No.

Never had a dog that I could trust to not fucking just run in the opposite direction of where I am as fast as they can.

I personally never owned a dog that doesn't tug on their leash so hard that they're

the whole fucking time.

It's worth training.

You got to put the hours in if you don't want to have that type of dog.

Well, Edgar went and got two dogs trained from PetSmart.

Neither one of them listened.

Neither one of them listened.

Because you guys got to put it.

Don't blame PetSmart.

PetSmart gave you the guidebook.

They gave you what you got to do.

Now it's up to you guys.

It's not my dad's fault.

Any more ads?

No, no more ads.

What am I looking at here?

That's the scumbag.

I had something I wanted to ask you guys about.

It's kind of not in the news anymore, but like for a while, but we weren't able to meet.

It was every day there seemingly was a news story about UFOs and videos being

cleared to be shown to the public.

You know, what are they called?

Whether they're not, what's it called?

Declassified.

Sure, yeah.

And I ask you, you know, that when the government says

we have no idea what these things are,

we can't explain it, and we can't even begin to even

catch up to it,

to even try to figure out what it is.

How does that make you feel?

Does that give you anxiety at night?

No.

I don't even think about it.

I mean, but basically,

they're telling you that, like,

we don't know what it is.

And

this is what our tax dollars are going for, though, I would think.

Is it?

I thought of some Mets tickets for scumbags

in New York City now.

Like, if you to get you to come to your court date, they'll give you Mets tickets if you come to the court date.

Really?

They'll pay $100 to get a vaccine.

Yeah, they're doing anything they can.

Well, that at least, like, I get it for the public good if everybody gets vaccinated.

But the court thing is just like they're bribing you to show up to your desk appearance with like tickets.

Yeah.

But like, who's going to do that unless it's the most lamest, like, you know, you just didn't,

you know, you jaywalked.

Yeah, it has to be.

That would be the only reason you would go get a Mets ticket.

New New York City, bro.

It's the Bosnios, New York, Mets tickets.

It has to be like the Mets tickets outweigh.

Right.

You're like, I want to go see the Mets Mets anyway.

If I pay my $70, $100 ticket, it's kind of like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Wow, these tornadoes are really rearing down.

Come on, get them.

What is it?

Tornado?

Yeah.

Wow, another tornado, man.

This is like Kansas.

Yeah.

New Jersey now.

This has been the wettest summer we've had in forever, right?

Like

it fucking rains every other day.

It's insane.

It didn't rain once in Key West.

No, no, no.

Like, not that effective.

Five minutes.

Yeah.

I was hanging out with Jordan before recording.

She was like,

I can't believe how much it rains here.

And I'm like, it's this summer.

It's like something's going on around here.

But off topic, though.

Oh, right, back on topic.

There's nothing I can do.

This doesn't give you any kind of like.

No.

Like, when you lay down at night before you ever close your eyes, before you take stuff off.

Before the Xanax kicks in.

You're not like, you know, you don't always question like, well, what is it?

And like, this doesn't, like, what if,

like, we need to be a bit more diligent, don't you think?

the government, to find out what the fuck it is?

The government does, right?

Yeah, but you were the one that taught me not to believe anything the government says.

They say they don't know what it is.

They know what it is.

They know what it is.

Exactly.

That's what I was going to say.

There's no fucking way on the planet that that fucking arrogant fucking

CIA or FBI is ever going to admit.

to Congress, yeah, we don't know what it is.

Right.

Bullshit, misdirection, all the way.

They know what it is, and they are unwilling to tell us.

Earthly origin?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

There is no such thing as unearthly origins.

I don't believe.

I don't believe anyway.

Wow.

Is that a new stance?

I always wanted to believe, but you're telling me in 2021, we have UFOs flying all over the place.

There's so much footage that we can't keep up with it, but it's always on a grainy camera.

Yeah, I mean, the cameras that we have on phones now

are way better.

Exactly.

There's no chance on the planet that

these jet fighters don't have the state-of-the-art cameras.

It's always a black and white grainy.

Oh, there it is right there.

It's a little dot.

What's that?

You're telling me.

There's a camera on the top of the Empire State Building right now that you could zoom in to the ferry boat on Staten Island that's going and see people in the window.

And see their faces.

It's like a million megapixels.

It's free.

Anybody could access it.

That is how good it is.

Right.

So why are all the UFO declassified videos

seen through, like, shot through toilet paper.

It's bullshit.

It is bullshit.

We're here to call it out.

Truth every single day.

Fuck yeah, overkill, baby.

I hope we don't get shut down.

Yeah, we really shouldn't be fucking ever calling into question the CIA or the FBI.

Being like, fuck them.

What does Giddam think about UFOs?

Do you think it's real or do you think it's

just

wow?

Tell me.

Come over here.

Oh, get him.

Yeah,

we need the opinion of a 148 on this.

Somebody

with the intelligence to really look at this situation and tell us what he thinks it is.

I like your shirt, by the way.

Nice and purple.

Would you have come to Key West?

Oh, yeah.

Bullshit.

Such a lying piece of shit.

I know.

He wouldn't take one day off to go to my wedding.

Now he's going to fucking Key West.

Well, I was forced to do that by the store since I don't have to worry about the store anymore.

You're free to go.

Yeah, enjoy my retirement.

Man, we should have brought him.

Yeah, like.

I just say we take another trip.

Let's just do it.

Me and Gil are retired.

Yeah.

Now he just hangs out at the store every day.

It's like...

Five days a week.

I take two days off because it's very stressful.

But you couldn't have gone anyway because didn't you have a big wedding this weekend?

This weekend I did, yes.

So you wouldn't have went.

If Q had offered the invite to Key West, would you have...

Would you have gone and not gone to Cousin Becky's wedding?

I had a plan in case I wasn't sure if the Olympics weren't during Cousin Becky's wedding.

So I had a plan.

What I was going to do is get Q to wish them a happy marriage, and I was going to send that in my place.

So I would have done the same exact thing.

Yeah.

You never asked me.

Because

the Olympics weren't on the same weekend.

I wasn't sure.

Oh, so it wasn't about Key West.

I see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

But you'll go to Key West if we go back?

Oh, yeah.

You ever been?

I'm not sure.

I've been to Florida a couple times.

I was younger, so I'm not sure if I've been to Key West.

Your kind of town.

Lots of drinking.

Oh,

that's what he does best.

I get the finger to prove it.

He has a gout finger.

I wasn't aware you could get gout in your finger.

I thought that was a finger-banging thing.

It's all plumped up.

I'm going to have a little flare-up

this week.

Kim, what are we going to do about you and your lifestyle?

When are you going to do that?

This is why we don't want to hire him.

Could you imagine what the health plan would cost for this?

He's got through the roof.

You've got to fix your life.

I can't get into it with him again.

I'm not going to do it again.

I'm not going to do it again.

I've tried three times.

He said he broke that finger a year ago, and he just put a splint on it last week.

A splint he got on Amazon.

He tells me shit like this at the barbecue, the

yeah.

And I tell him, I'm like, go to a fucking doctor.

Never going to do it.

And then I feel like a nag.

No, no, no.

Oh, don't.

You roll your eyes at me every time I tell you what you should do.

Well, you are a nag.

I believe he loves me.

He tells me so.

If he was here every day.

I do tell him I love him.

He would be nagging you, though.

If he heard the stories that you tell me about all the shit that's wrong.

Do you believe the stories I tell you?

Yeah, and I tell you, you got to go get yourself checked out.

You just can't let yourself go like this because eventually it's going to be something major and you're going to be like, why the fuck didn't I go get that checked out?

You're putting yourself behind the April.

You're not even young anymore.

Yeah, you're not a kid.

That's the big thing.

Oh, he says that now, but

he throws it in my face that he's younger than me all the time.

Really?

He thinks he's a child.

He's the hot young man around.

Because I can see and you can't.

That's what it's about.

How old are you?

43?

Yeah, 43.

So you're 10 years younger than us.

When did your sights start going?

Right around 44, 45?

Yeah.

You need...

When's the last time you had a rectal exam?

We can get a doctor.

Yeah, come on, Doc.

I wouldn't do that.

You can't do a rectal exam on the air, not with video.

Unless you want to.

Don't you have to be drunk for those?

No, right.

No, I had one.

I wasn't drunk.

No.

You just fucking.

Have you sexually paid your doctor whatever he would have got, you know, for an office visit?

I mean, being that he's a professional, I doubt he'd want to do it here.

It can't hurt to ask.

We had Murray get at least two.

proctology turns on air.

So yeah, they could do it.

Well, in like a proctology office?

No, one in his backyard and one in a fucking Hilton.

It's proven ratings

winner.

It's gold.

You're better than a joker.

Fuck it, I think, man.

Episode 500.

You're going to literally suck it.

A full recollection.

I want to just hear, I want to get a mic right on the squishy finger going in.

Why don't you just use the footage from the camera?

The next thing up there.

Got a gray market proctologist.

So UFOs.

UFOs.

So wait, wait.

Before we go to UFOs, are you going to get in shape?

I'd like to try, but I probably.

But what does that mean?

I kind of know myself.

I'm probably not.

It would take something to do it.

An impetus.

What if I got you

could do it online

with

Steve, this trainer, trainer guy that I when my body's not falling apart, I work with.

Would you do it, like three days a week?

I don't think I have that kind.

You could do it here at the stash.

Borrow the computer over there.

I know myself.

You just won't do it.

Yeah,

it's a certain...

Like when I was walking five days a week, that was...

Yeah.

You know, I was motivated to do it.

But if I'm not motivated,

as soon as I fell out of the

habit, I fell out of the habit.

Yeah.

But you have so much to offer.

Why don't you get back in the habit?

I don't know.

I wish I could.

I think a lot of people feel that way.

I think most people like, I don't know why I don't do the things I'm supposed to do.

Oh, because what's easier?

What's the path of least resistance, right?

Sitting around, drinking what you want, eating what you want, not exercising, which fucking sucks.

It's annoying.

Yeah.

Eating food.

Eating food.

I like eating.

It's.

Yeah, but we're at the age where these things are going to start catching up to us.

And life is going to get hard if you don't.

Because it's getting hard for me, dude.

I'm only two years older than you.

Listen to him, man.

He's a wise man.

I remember when I was in shape,

it was a good feeling, as it were, but it's honestly not much different than

the feeling of not doing anything.

Got you.

But don't you feel like your chances for what you want in life are going to be improved?

Like you can land that fucking

piece of ass in your quarter office.

It didn't happen when I lost weight.

Yeah, but you're a celebrity now.

You look like

you're in a different position now.

And you were too skinny then.

You look like you had AIDS.

Oh, yeah, you definitely look like you had cancer, bro.

Okay.

Everybody was saying it.

Nobody said it.

It was like the 80s around here.

Okay.

Did you make a patch for me on the quilts?

No, I think, and that was kind of what started me falling out of the habit was that

that was what I had in my mind was that, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, just got out of a relationship, dumped me for a blind guy.

I'm going to get myself in shape, get better than, you know, sh than she was, and then nothing.

It was still just as lonely.

I'm telling you, man, you have, like you said, though, you have so much to offer.

You just got to, like.

It's tough, but you got to get, you got to start

caring about yourself more.

Yeah, I agree.

I just don't want to see you head into middle age and get yourself in bad medical.

By the way, it's too late for that.

No, no,

it's not.

It's not because things do get worse, man.

And I am in the same boat, dude.

I got my cholesterol's through the roof.

I got to work on it, and I don't.

But maybe we could do it together, you know.

How do you lower cholesterol?

Just like not eat or stuff.

It's like eating exercise.

Medication, too, right?

Well, that's what I'm on.

That's the easy way.

The doctor's like, look, when he's prescribing for me, he was like, this isn't the answer.

He's like, the answer is diet and exercise.

And I'm like, okay.

Then I go to Key West and just fucking start drinking it dying.

Or eating cheese fries and shit.

Yeah, it sounds good.

I know.

It does.

But it is like,

I don't know.

I guess you live like you don't live as long, but like you go to Key West.

It's like, do you want to fucking adhere to a diet?

Do you want to adhere to a regimen?

That's vacation.

I'm talking about day to day.

Day to day.

Can't science do that?

Can't science make something that's good for you, but also tastes really good?

That's where I think science should be focused on.

I think that would help.

Yeah, but you don't think science did it?

Like, if they can make some rice cake that tasted like ordered chili fries, who would eat it?

We can't.

I know there's fucking people that take vaccines.

You think they're going to eat medically fucking induced fries that make you lose weight?

As long as it tastes like that,

I would eat it.

They never do, though.

Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it?

The human lifespan is supposed to be like, what, 35?

Didn't Alexander the Great only live to like 40?

Yeah.

Like, you live now to like 80 and stuff.

Science haven't done enough for you.

They got to make delicious fries, too?

Out of rice cake.

Like, what are you talking about?

Just make healthy food taste better.

That's it.

Dude.

I'm not asking for much.

Which is why I can't.

Let's just talk about the UFOs because I'm going to get myself worked up about this.

Yeah, why are you getting worked up about it?

Because I worry about him.

And when he gets off the floor and he heaves all his way over here and he's like,

and he's scout, he can't bend his fucking finger.

He's my friend.

I worry about him.

No, no, I didn't mean I.

Worry.

I understand why you worry.

I'm just saying, but why did you get a little annoyed at him

taking the science community to task for not creating healthy food that tastes good?

Because I'm in the same boat with him.

I'm like, yeah, fuck you, science.

If you can't fucking deliver

a tasty soy burger that tastes like a real hamburger.

Have you tried soy burgers?

I smell it.

I smelled it.

They don't smell right.

They don't smell right.

Okay.

And they don't smell right.

That's the first litmus test.

Right.

So the reason I got annoyed is because, like,

pleasurable tastes shouldn't be the thing that makes you like take care of yourself.

It's a big reason why people don't, though.

Yeah.

Okay, but all right, Phil, eat the wings.

Eat whatever he fucking does.

But like

do the walks.

Like do your stuff.

Yeah, you got a lot of time to burn.

You could go for a walk.

You could.

So could I.

Yeah.

Go for a walk once a day for an hour and fucking knock that shit out.

But it's boring to walk, isn't it?

Is it boring to walk with somebody else, though, and you're talking a lot as you're walking?

Depends, yeah.

You're right.

We need walk prostitutes.

We need a walking club.

You said walk prostitutes.

That's a good idea.

Go for a walk for an hour.

I'll give you 50 bucks.

And what else is falling apart, Diari?

I'm a little concerned.

You say you're falling apart.

Is it just a cholesterol?

Cholesterol,

I got a...

bulging disc now in my neck.

Oh.

And

it's on my radial nerve.

So like it, my thumb, the tip of my tongue tingles all the time.

Did you say tongue or thumb?

Thumb.

Okay.

Tip of my thumb tingles all the time.

And if I sit a certain way, my whole arm tingles and that's exactly what I hope.

That's why I got that epidural.

Oh, it sucks.

Yeah, it's awful.

Had that happened.

You're all right.

Just the way I sit.

And how did you now

upcoming

the late August, we're going to be releasing the Picnic Olympics on Patreon.

Yeah.

I want to pimp it a little bit here.

If you're not on Patreon, I think

this might be the episode to get you on there because it is jam-packed with

TSD's brightest

stars in the TSD universe all showed up for this.

Everyone.

We have never had this many TSD

illuminaries.

Is that the

in one spot, in one location?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and nobody was there to witness it but us, but that's okay, Rupert.

We did get it on camera.

But how did you feel afterwards?

Because after the first year of Picnic Olympics, you didn't come to that one.

It's during the middle of COVID.

I was wiped out.

This one, though, I think I planned it so there wasn't as much running and physical activity.

I felt like pretty good afterwards.

I felt okay afterwards.

I mean, we were all going to go to fantasies.

Mrs.

Five was going to go.

Yeah, yeah.

And Frank was the one that killed it.

Do you think he killed it because she was willing to go?

Yeah, I think, yeah, definitely.

That's probably nobody.

there's a certain type of guy who wants, you know, doesn't want the lady around.

He's old school.

Yeah.

He's traditionalist.

Yeah, he, well, that killed it.

But I did go home and got on the couch for the rest of the day.

Yeah, it was a fun.

We played five or six different players.

We played, like I said, I want to pimp this up because I think this is something that like, if you, if you like, tell him Steve Dave, You're not even love.

If you like it, you're going to watch this because we play Extreme Horseshoes, which is oversized horseshoes.

Kind of warmed up.

I didn't want anybody getting hurt right out of the gate.

So we saved the more strenuous activities for later in the day.

But we open up with the Olympics with a game of horseshoes.

Then we go into

Extreme Badminton, which was six on six in a tennis court with an oversized birdie.

Yeah.

So that was, that was good.

That was a raucous one, man.

Yeah, there was some volleyball.

We played it like volleyball.

Yeah.

So there was volleys, and it wasn't just like if you didn't make it over with one shot, your teammate could help you get it over.

Kickball, old school kickball.

I mean, I got to imagine you guys haven't played a game of kickball in decades.

Decades.

And then we went to Flipper.

I broke my ankle on that.

Yes, I was worried that.

Well, that was the one where I was like...

That's where I like, because then I started giving that safety speech where I was like, could you guys stop taking this seriously?

After you ran like a maniac trying to make it to first base, then you got to tell everybody else, hey, combat, everybody.

Disregard Q.

Running as if his very life.

I got that first base.

I almost fucking I almost broke my ankle.

And then I was so out of breath from running, like 20 feet.

And Frank 3 looks like.

Frank 3 is there, yes.

He looks like he's going to die.

He's all go.

He's too into it.

Yeah.

So I had to throw water on him every once in a while, you know, cool him down, dude.

He's getting a little fucking out of control.

Well, there was a moment where I lost my cool with Frank 3, and I told him I would never invite him to anything else, ever telegraphed.

You got that on camera?

Oh, definitely.

Because he just starts arguing with me over every single thing.

And I'm like, we're not playing real sports.

No, we're playing games I made up last night.

You can't possibly know the rules of the game I made up.

You don't even know the rules of the game you made up.

So he plays touch football.

And then we ended up with

three-legged soccer.

That was the one that killed us.

Yeah, that was the one that like, I thought that would eliminate running, but I didn't factor in it could also result in broken ankles.

Yeah, as people, like, you know, trying to go in one direction, if your partner doesn't go in that same direction, it could be a problem.

Yeah.

And the other thing about it, too, although Brian wasn't that bad, but I did notice that

it was also the end of the day, and everybody was a little sweaty.

And then we strapped it.

Oh, Brian, yeah, you're three-legged partner.

That's the one thing that I didn't anticipate either.

It's like everybody's going to have their wet leg

against each other.

It was a little bit like, I mean, like I said, with Brian, I didn't really notice it, but

if you had to

hook up with Frank Three.

Would you have put the break?

Of course I would have done it.

Oh, he's a Frank 3.

Yeah, he's committed.

He's not a repulsive human.

I'm just saying, like, he was sweaty.

Yeah, he was Frank 3.

What does that tell you?

But, yeah, because the best way to play was to put your arm around the other person.

Yeah,

we were so sweaty, man.

But it was fun.

I mean, I think people who watch it are going to love it because there was a lot of arguing, a lot of bullshit.

With the three-legged thing, there were a couple of teams that just practiced walking the entire time.

The game's going on.

They're still practicing walking.

Right, left, right, left.

The ball would go near them and they wouldn't even pay attention because they were just trying to work on their footmanship, on their footwork.

Yeah, but yeah, that's going to come out late August.

So,

you know, get on there now because there's other content on there I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Patreon

thing.

What if we have to get their permission and we have to go there and rig it up with GoPros?

But what if we did a Tell him Steve David, not theme, but like

this isn't the proctologist thing again?

Escape room.

Yeah.

We really don't know what's going on.

You know, we go in and we just get permission to shoot it there.

I don't think that would be a problem.

I think escape rooms are dying.

Please

have people come in, especially a group like us.

They might not want us to give away the secrets.

If I was them, I'd be like, well, if you air this, people will know

how to solve it.

I still think the almighty dollar will trump

their, especially getting that many people for each person has to pay for it.

Right.

That would be a big

get them trying to solve an escape room and try to deal with it.

Yeah,

I think that would be good content.

Yeah, that's something that we had on dock that we were definitely going to attempt.

Speaking of the Patreon shit, I took Sage and Mary Beth bowling the other day.

After we went bowling for Patreon, I was like, yeah, Sage likes to bowl.

Holy shit, that was expensive.

Yeah.

It's crazy, man.

Like, bowling used to be a cheap way to go out and have some fun.

$3 a game, it used to be, right?

Yeah, now it's like, I think it was $6 a game.

And the shoes were an extra rental, and fries are $10.

Well, yeah, they got to make up for all that.

They don't have a lot of people bowling now.

So to make up for the difference, you got to charge a little bit more.

But UFOs, get them.

What do you think that footage is that's now being released?

So, you know, you know, like, oh, well, we just don't know what it is.

What do you think it is?

I've not seen the videos.

It's tough for me to believe that it's actually aliens because I think if you're going to come to another world, you would want to you're either it's advanced enough that you can hide yourself and see from like far away

and just judge us by our communica, you know, like the radio communication stuff that you can receive.

I just can't picture them like, you know, coming down and just, you know, playing loop-de-loops with, you know you know jets and stuff i i probably think it might be other countries just having just a little bit more better tech and just with our fight tech and us yeah who america get the out of here you common motherfucker mind

those

vodka chugging they're not doing anything better than us over in russia what about china though yeah nah no nah you need you need american ingenuity and freedom what about musk musk is just around with the you know it's another way to spend his money money.

He's building these amazing crafts that can do amazing things.

And he's just, you know, he flies them around and, you know, gets.

Musk.

Yeah.

The American citizen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's one of us.

Yeah.

That's what we say to Chen.

Hey, we got Musk.

We got Musk.

I know everybody hates that guy, but I'm like, fuck him.

He's coming up with some shit.

We got a Musk.

He's sending shit to space.

He's coming up with cool cars.

Why fuck Musk?

I don't get it.

But you really believe, though, that

other countries can't be more advanced than us?

I mean, we've kind of lost

our way in some aspects.

You know,

I don't know if technology is something that is paramount.

There are things that are taking precedent over

being the best and having the best tech.

We're the wokest.

That is more important at times, though.

That's the headline, bro.

That's the headline.

That's fucking bullshit they want you to pay attention to.

Okay.

You know?

And so

it's the real shit.

So the real tech's over.

Area 53.

Area 53.

Not even 52.

That's the bullshit.

They're feeding you.

Fuck.

They want you to think it's 30.

They want you to think it's 52.

Damn.

Everybody's fucking complaining about how many fucking

whose cast is what.

And

what words could you say and not say?

And everybody's arguing about that.

Meanwhile.

And behind the scenes,

just below the surface.

They're creating aircraft that will decimate our enemies.

They love the cultural shit, these people.

The black box people.

They love it.

It keeps everybody distracted.

This is the last time we're going to see QCIA is going to get them for this shit.

I'm playing into their game.

Oh, they are.

Because I sound like a crackpot now.

So the more that I say it, the more less realistic it sounds.

Right.

I sound crazy.

So you still think that there's no nation on the planet with more advanced tech than America has and more

that can ever take us out?

I don't think so.

No.

Who thinks India with all their physicists?

And I think that anybody that gets ahead.

Remember when everybody thought Japan was going to be the big thing?

Yeah.

Where's Japan now?

You never hear about them anymore.

They're too quiet.

Now it's China.

Meanwhile, don't worry.

Next day it'll be something else.

We're in charge.

We're still in charge.

We're 100% in charge.

We're still the standard.

We just raised our defense budget, just raised it

above what it already was.

We just raised it more than most countries spend in a year.

Right.

Now, do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing?

I think we should have raised it twice as much.

Why?

What are you concerned about?

Got to defend those UFOs.

But really, what are you, what country are you, like, why do we need to spend that much on defense?

I'm all honesty, because I'm like, why is it so high, though?

Like, what don't we know?

But no, no, no.

You're answering your own question.

What other country can touch us?

Right.

None.

But what if we just say we're spending that much and not really spend it, though?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right?

Just tell the other nations that we're spending triple or four times as much as we did last year.

Who said it?

What president said it?

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

It was a

FTR.

FTR?

Well, one of them said it, and he was right.

You just don't, the one thing we should never let down is our budget for defense.

Must always be 20 times higher than ours.

Is that warmongering, though?

Don't give a fuck.

No, warmongering is

using it offensively.

Okay.

I'm talking about defense.

Just have it in in your pocket.

Anybody would be fucking crazy to come after us.

Crazy.

I think we have to be for at least the next 50 years.

But haven't they already come after us, though?

We don't really do anything.

We're talking about fur hall, but we fucking dropped two out of bombs.

That was a long time ago.

The largest air force in the world is our air force.

The second largest air force, our navy.

Dude, there you go right there.

Yeah, it was a long time because everybody looked at that and were like, oh, fuck.

Now, I don't want to have to drop another bomb on someone to remind them.

I don't want to.

There's not a chance on the planet that they'll ever use nuclear weapons again, unless it's in retaliation.

Different weapons have.

And I certainly hope so.

There's computer viruses.

There's all this other stuff.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about.

Acts of war

have been put into play against America, and we don't really do anything about it.

Yeah, we're getting cyber-bullied.

Yeah, we're getting cyberbullied.

But what are we doing to them?

I don't know.

Anything?

It seems like all I hear about is when we're getting fucked.

And then it's like, oh, yeah, they shut down this bridge.

So now we've got to all pay more for gas.

So, as you're saying that we're doing even worse shit to those countries, but we just don't know that we're doing it.

Nobody knows.

You're not going to tell anybody.

I believe so.

I don't think that America would shut down nuclear power plants and shit like that so they melt.

And I think other countries would.

But yeah,

I mean, do you doubt for a second that the United States has a robust computer

force?

Like right out of MIT, get in there.

I I don't know put that notes down get in there I I really I I wonder if they do like do they have the best and the brightest though working for the for for the

the uh government the rumor is they don't because of drug testing that's what the rumor is

why they want hop heads in there cement headset no they don't want cement heads so they they they keep them out but they're the actual pe smartest people but look

but look when they when uh china was it china that went in and stole and released all the emails and and in about it regarding the studios and Hollywood?

I thought it was North Korea, right?

Oh, right.

Is that North Korea?

Okay.

Nothing.

No reaction.

Nobody did anything.

They just let them get away with it.

We just let these countries do whatever they wanted, too.

They know.

Yeah.

What do you mean that we know of?

That you know of, maybe to retaliate.

Well, how else do we stop?

Maybe King Jong-un went to use the toilet and the fucking thing shot it right up his ass and nobody knows.

But what's the good of keeping it a secret?

Because then other countries will look at it and be like, well, they're paper tigers.

They don't do anything.

I think the right people know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Besides, what did they do?

All they did was release a bunch of fucking emails from Fox.

They attacked our most valuable resource, our celebrities.

I mean, it was fucking, everybody read those emails, and everybody had a game.

Yeah, but didn't they release a movie, though?

What was that movie called?

Yeah, James Franco fucking movie.

It ruined his career, though.

Oh, the interview.

That didn't ruin his career.

Him trying to fucking finger bang his students for his career.

That sucks.

I like James Franco.

I really liked him too.

I watch Pineapple Express, and I'm like, I fucking love this guy.

He's so good in that movie.

I don't know.

What did he do?

I didn't know this.

He inappropriate.

Inappropriate

behavior.

I don't know that it was just a trend.

I don't know that he did anything that say around this table we would label inappropriate.

I think he just tried to fuck a bunch of girls.

Were they girls or women?

They were women.

Okay.

No, but he got in trouble because he was coming out of a movie theater and a 17-year-old girl gave him his Instagram.

He goes, look me up on Instagram.

He didn't know she was 17.

He went back and forth with her.

When he found out she was 17, he cut it off.

But people are still using that against him.

That's really it.

No, no, no, no.

Then he ran an acting school and apparently he was wildly inappropriate.

Guys at that stature, they got to wait till they get married then for blowjobs.

So this doesn't come out.

Well, let's not say that.

It's not like when you get married, you are enough.

What's the point of getting that stature?

But just to

cover your ass, make sure you're like, you know what?

I thought a lot about this.

Because remember, like how I used to say, this is the least fun time to be on TV or something like that.

But then you think about it, it's just like, I know what people that I know are doing, and they're doing it just fine.

Like,

I think it was all overblown.

Like, I don't know.

I don't feel that way anymore.

I think a guy could still get a blowjob today.

I do.

You got to be careful.

Just careful.

You're careful about it.

Yeah, but how are you careful, though?

Because let's say you break up, you know, it's a messy breakup, then they can say, well,

I didn't really want to give him a BJ in the court.

Well, you just got to convince them to do it on video.

Yeah, I actually know people that that's the way they roll.

They're like,

we can't have sex, but only if I record it.

And most of the time,

and they say the excuse is because, so in case you try to say, I didn't want to fight.

100%.

Yeah.

Wow.

And I'm going to be able to do that.

I still do that to marry Beth.

Girls do that, yeah.

And they're going to be a little bit more than that.

Girls all agree.

Yeah.

They're jokers.

No, no, no, not one of these guys.

I don't need to get the impression I'm talking about the incredible judgments.

I'm not.

No, no, no.

And I would tell you if I was.

No, because I don't think that's a bad thing.

I actually think that's kind of a smart thing to say.

To take the romanticism out of the act, though, the lovemaking.

It's not really love anymore.

I mean, we're talking about getting blowjobs here.

Where's the romance in that?

Yeah.

Come on, you know.

I mean,

I don't know.

Like, it feels like it would be kind of less special.

It was kind of almost dirty that that

I wanted to put you on camera doing this.

So, in case you ever accuse me of coercing you, it's much more special that way.

I don't know.

Look, it's not my concern, but

I think it's a smart way to work.

If you're in that position and that's the only way that you can do it with safety, why not?

If the girl doesn't mind, I mean, I'm not saying hi, but I'm not right, right, right.

But if the girl doesn't mind, then it's just just like a

negotiation for how to proceed, and they agree to it.

And if she doesn't agree, then you're like, all right, we got to part ways.

That's it.

Wow.

Because the reality is, it's fucking terrifying to think that somebody might turn around later on and be like, oh, I didn't say yes.

Yeah, but I just think that's overblown, though, because how many times have you really seen that?

Think about it.

Like, it doesn't really happen.

It's happened to you.

Or James Franco, right?

Or James Franco.

It's happened once or twice.

But do you think celebrities have stopped getting blowjobs?

Or do you think they're getting blowjobs all all these times and only heard four people complain?

You thought I'd love Hollywood and was like, we'll just wait till we get married.

Tell them to stay damned.