#469: Qovid

You gonna come here and give me a hand job?

I gotta do that too.

Am I doing this right?

A lot of people must be popping boners.

They don't ever come.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm here with Walt.

Hey.

And Q, barely hanging on.

Look at this guy.

We're watching him on Zoom, and

he looks a mess.

Yeah,

I've felt better, man.

This is weird.

Like just

normal, like I've been feeling pretty good all day today, but something happened the last hour.

I moved around too much or something, so now I'm a little dizzy and a little nauseous.

Yet you're still pulling through and doing the show.

Yeah, you know, I love the ants.

I know how upset they'd be if they didn't get to tell them Steve Dave and how upset I'd be if I didn't get to do one.

So I said, fuck it, man.

Let's do it.

You really look good, good, though.

I was expecting, you know, Tom Hanks, Philadelphia, on you when I

opened up the Zoom meeting.

But you look really good, though.

Yeah, you know, I didn't really change my physical being all that much.

It just,

I just

sleep a little bit more.

Tell us what happened, man.

Tell us how BQ came down with

COVID.

Yeah, a fervent mascara.

Yeah, no,

I didn't.

I fucked up.

I went to a store.

I went in this store, wore my mask the whole time, and that's really the only option.

You brought it on yourself.

I was a fucking idiot.

I went to a store.

Are you telling me you haven't gone to a store since last March?

This is the first time you've been in a store since in a year?

Almost a year?

No,

I've been to a couple of stores here or there, but just for

groceries and stuff like that.

So it hasn't, but for the most part, I get that delivered.

So I haven't had much reason to be in stores.

This is probably maybe the fourth store I've been into since March.

Because you said, when you told us that you got it, you said, I went into a store, and you seem very

confident that you got it because of going into the store.

Was there somebody who looks sick in the store?

Like, what makes you think that that was the reason?

Because there's no other possibility.

That's it.

You know what I mean?

I didn't even get gas to the store.

It was literally from my house, got out, went in, got back in my car, came home.

That's it.

I mean, unless I caught it off an Amazon package or some shit like that, but that seems really unlikely.

Yeah.

Fucking Moran, bro.

I needed a couch.

I've been sitting on this fucking couch.

I've been sitting on this fucking couch for a year now.

I finally broke it.

It's like got a divot in it for my fucking fat ass.

It's like the cats, like it just smells like sick cats now.

So it's like, I got to get a new couch.

I can't live out the rest of this pandemic.

We're going to be locked indoors for another fucking year.

I need a couch.

So I was like, all right, let me go sit on this couch before I order it online.

That was it.

I needed an appointment to get in the store.

There were only three or four people in the store the whole time.

We all wore masks the entire time, and I was in and out in 20 minutes.

You know, when you said store, for some reason, I assumed a grocery store.

It was a furniture store?

Yeah.

Keith and Allen.

Do you want want to look at Burrow?

I ended up not even getting the fucking couch.

But if we didn't fuck up with Burrow, our relationship with Burrow, I'm sure we could have gotten you a couch in the mail.

But, you know, we fucked that bridge.

We burned that bridge bad.

Now look at the cost of that.

Were you...

No, I don't.

Yeah.

But were you...

Like, what was your anxiety level when you found out you tested positive?

Well, what happened is Wednesday night I was watching TV and then suddenly my head started spinning and I ran up and I got up and I ran to the bathroom and I threw up.

This is last Wednesday.

And I was like, fuck, I'm getting sick.

I'm like, but how?

Like, my first thought wasn't COVID because everything you always hear is breathing and stuff like that.

I don't know.

I was having stomach issues.

That's not typical of COVID.

But I was like, all right, let me see how it goes.

And then that was Wednesday, Thursday.

I was feeling sick all day, was dizzy, was exhausted, getting tired, moving.

And we're supposed to shoot in practical jokers this week that we're in now.

Sorry, my throat's a little shot.

In now, and I have to get tested before we shoot.

And I was like, man, this doesn't feel like it's going to go that well.

And I got tested.

And

sure enough, I came back that I have the COVID.

And I've been spared really any breathing issues, which has been really good.

Mainly what I've been dealing with is just fucking consistent pounding.

My head hurts all the time.

And then if I push it now too much, I get dizzy.

You know, you start getting better and better.

And I was doing all right.

But then I get upstairs, like I just went out to my car to get something, and like I fucking head spinning just from that.

But if I sit on my ass, I feel pretty good.

Huh.

You couldn't have had Helen go get a couch for you, a personal shopper, or you just wanted to test it out.

You just want to sit on a, you know what I mean?

I think we're going to be sitting on that couch for the next, what, another year of our lives.

We're not going anywhere.

So I wanted to sit on it and make sure it was like...

There's deficiencies in the couch I have now.

There's a reason, you know know what I mean?

The neck, the neck height isn't high enough, it's not so, it's a little too formless on the back, and you always got to beat the pillow into shape.

I've been living with this, a man of my stature

for a year now.

It's an outrage.

I can't have it.

It's an outrage.

It's a moral outrage.

And I just, you know, when I got, so when I got it, my first thought was like, thank God that I haven't been one of these preachy motherfuckers that's like, gotta wear a mask.

Wear a mask.

Like, you're an idiot if you don't wear a mask.

Like, thank God I've not been that guy that's just, like, preaching to people how to live their fucking lives because I would look like such a fucking dickhead right now.

Well, it'd be even worse if you were like, oh, man, masks are bullshit.

Well, no, if you say masks are bullshit and then you get it, like, at least everybody sees that coming.

You know what I mean?

But if you're like the type of person that wears a mask everywhere and you're also a little bit righteous about it, like a little holier than now about that mask wearing, and then they get it anyway, even I I would laugh at that.

I'd be like, fuck that asshole.

Preachy motherfucker.

Did you have any?

I like to think I avoided that.

Did you have any,

like, you know, because I mean, this is no joke.

This is this is serious.

This is, you know, it's

we've seen how the

how deadly this can be.

Were you worried that, you know, because I was worried when you got, when you texted and told us, because I'm like, you know, there are no like guarantees.

It seems like

seemingly healthy people can be, you know, put into a coma, it feels like, if not worse.

Yeah,

I was, I had moments like that, but it wasn't like, because the thing is, I got tested on the third day that I was feeling shitty.

So I was already at least three days into having it by the time that I got the positive.

And

I was like, okay, so I'm at least three days in, maybe four days in, and I have no lung issues whatsoever.

I was like, that's a pretty good sign.

You know what I mean?

They don't just like skyrocket out of nowhere.

You usually have lung issues early on.

So I felt confident I was avoiding that stuff.

But one, what was it?

So Friday, so Sunday was the worst day, and my head was pounding, pounding.

And I was so dizzy, and I was just lying on my side.

And I got really worried then, only because of the brain issues that I've had already, like the stroke and stuff like that.

I was like, oh my God, I was like, what if this is affecting the already weakened structure of my brain and something worse happens?

And that was scary.

I had a few hours where I was kind of talking myself out of that.

But

other than that one really bad day, it's been kind of like a bad cold.

Now,

are you the type of guy who likes to be babied when you're sick?

No.

What's your definition of baby?

Wait on me hand and foot, you know, like, you know,

come come stroke my hair.

Oh, no.

Not at all.

No.

Sickness is a sign of weakness.

So you hide it.

Fucking hide that shit.

So

you're going to get tested again on Monday?

When is it?

I don't know when.

I think 10 days after.

No, it's got to be next.

Friday will be.

Oh, yeah, so Monday.

Yeah, you're right.

Monday.

10 days after my first test.

Now, you're not the, but you, you know, you're not the first resident of Telum Steve Dave Town to have.

We haven't, we haven't mentioned it on any of the podcasts because, you know,

I'm a believer in luck, and I don't want to like, you know, I kind of like knock on wood.

I didn't want to talk about anybody who got sick because, you know, I didn't, you wasn't sure.

You know, you might jinx them?

Yeah, you might jinx them when I found out they had it.

It's actually two residents of Tellum Steve Dave Town have been stricken and no one knows it.

Do you want to reveal?

Yeah, I'm going to reveal it right now.

Tim, the record store clerk has recovered fully.

Oh, survivor.

And Sarge L 18.

I got a call from Sarge L 18.

He was close to being pronounced dead, he told me, and he came back to life.

I'm not kidding around.

Now, Tim didn't say anything of the sort, right?

Tim isn't isn't given to hyperbole like Sargella.

But Sargell apparently was in really bad shape because he's got diabetes.

And

he said he went through the ringer, and he told me some stuff that, like,

I mean, I couldn't tell you because you had already, when you told me you had it, there was nothing that I could tell you that would help you.

It would only scare you, what he told me.

But he said that this is not

a natural germ.

Oh boy.

He said it's definitely bioengineered and it's structured to kill you within two days.

And if you make it past two days, you'll be all right.

There you go, Fauci.

So we put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So, so by his theory, everybody that died of COVID died in the first 48 hours?

Are we doing overkill?

This is why I didn't want to bring it up because you guys immediately start ripping him apart.

Well, he's saying shit that we all know isn't true for a fact.

Well, he definitely had it, and

he got it by going into the VA hospital, he told me.

He had to go in for some checkups.

He got home from the hospital, got sick, and he had to go right back.

And he said that they, it was touch-and-go.

he was in really really bad shape and he called me he called me about a week after he recovered and he said he was still not feeling well but we spoke on the phone for about 45 minutes oh my god yeah really

that's how he was spending the last of his his two days talking to walt

I will the vortex to you

well yeah but yeah I mean it's it's it's serious shit he told me and he told me you you know, don't treat it as a joke.

This shit is real.

And

he told me that he was hoping that all of us would escape this and not have to deal with he dealt with.

But unfortunately, you know,

you went into a furniture store and didn't listen to Sargell.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely got milder symptoms in Sargel.

I'm not on the brink of anything.

Yeah, it may be the diabetes, though.

Could be.

Well, Walt, when you hear these symptoms...

No, you and I both believe that we had it at one point.

Yeah, I mean, even with Q getting it now, because I know you said you thought you also had had it before.

I mean, I could have.

It would have been about a year.

I could have lost immunity and courted again.

It still hasn't shaken my

firm belief that I've had it already.

You know, again, who knows?

I mean, it's just my gut.

But, you know, I trust my gut a lot.

It doesn't usually betray me.

But a lot of...

It's sore as hell, too, too, because gastronomically, too.

I've been shoveling snow for the last 48 hours.

I should have a six-pack mic.

He's got washboard abs.

No, you're not.

They're still flabby as hell, but they hurt as if they should be six-packs.

Yeah, I believe that

I had it as well, because when I hear his symptoms, I'm like, check, check, check, like all that shit.

Now, did you lose some weight, Q?

I know you were trying to shed a couple LBs.

This is helpful, isn't it?

No,

this is one of the weirder symptoms that that I've had with this.

Went back to your oranges?

You have an appetite with COVID?

Dude, like, not only was I queasy, I was also ravenously hungry.

It's crazy.

I don't know how to explain it.

Like,

my stomach would feel unsettled and sick, but I'd be like,

I got to have an English muffin.

Like, it was weird.

It was a fucking really weird thing.

So I didn't gain any, but I didn't lose any.

It's kind of been a net, it's a net zero at this point no would you puke it back up or no no i really didn't puke yeah i didn't puke past that one night um high fever i was able to kind of

never never a fever at all really

yeah that's very unusual right because how do you yeah how does your body kill on the the virus then without that without that high fever to kill it right

yeah no fever but pounding headache is if i i feel like i have a fever but i don't pounding headache um dizziness, queasiness,

those are really the main things.

And exhaustion, man.

Like

if I go up the flight of this, like that's a weird thing.

Like I can go up a flight of stairs at noon and I'll be perfectly fine.

And then I, two hours later, I'll go up.

And when I get up, I'll just be like a little dizzy and out of breath.

It's weird.

It's a weird fucking thing, man.

But you feel you're on the other side of it now?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm feeling as long if I didn't move as much as I do.

I think today I would have been like feeling like, oh, definitely I'm okay.

Good.

At least sitting there.

So I'm on the right side of it.

I'm lucky I still, I didn't lose taste.

I didn't lose smell.

And that's what a lot of guys in the firehouse lost that and still haven't gotten it back.

So that was like a big fear of mine.

I was like, I can never taste another orange again.

You know how sad that would be.

Yeah.

I think all in all, I've been pretty lucky with this

out of it.

That is good news to hear.

I'm glad to hear that you're not, you know you're feeling better

yeah unlike you and i uh walk q got q got out of shoveling snow

but for us i know lucky fuck

but for us it was a much uglier time oh man yeah like i said i'm i'm my abs are like

so sore from shoveling the last two days it's um yeah i i shoveled and it it's like my whole arm is fucked now my shoulder like with that pinched nerve.

And then, you know, I get up and these fucking cocksuckers, these

plow guys, they just plow it right back where I fucking just dug it from.

But now it's like, we live so close to the water that a lot of times we're right on that freezing rain and snow line.

So it was snow and snow and snow and at the very end it started to freeze a little bit.

Or it started to rain a little bit and then it fucking freezes.

Now you've got rock hard fucking ice you're trying to chip through so the goddamn mailman will come to your house.

When you tap that, my voice

sounded different now.

When you hit the table with your fist, I don't know if that did anything.

I think it did.

I can hear you better now.

All right.

It's like the fauns and shit over here.

Yeah, the snow was a little much.

Was it nice for you, Q?

Did you sit there and watch it?

I did.

I sat in it.

You know, I got that little

area off the back of the house.

That's mostly the glass wall.

I just, yeah, I just went there and like just sat there and bundled up and watched it fall.

It was cool.

That's a nice little sitting area.

That's my favorite part of the house.

Yeah, call it the clubhouse.

Yeah.

Walt and I shoveled like a couple of bitches.

And I mean, there are no, here's the thing: kids don't come around anymore.

Like, remember when we were young, you grab a shovel, you make a couple bucks.

Yeah, those days are gone.

They are long gone.

It's not that way anymore, man.

Well, we scare kids, you know, to not walk up to strangers' houses and knock on their doors and ask them, you know, to buy magazines or shovel, you know, their walkways.

You know, we, we put the fear of God into them that every single person is a fucking child molester.

I hadn't thought of that.

You're right.

That never even occurred to me that, like, I'm not going to walk up to some stranger's house and be like, hey, can you give me money?

Yeah, it's just like they might get snatched and pulled into the house or something.

That hadn't even occurred to me.

I mean, I was just like, these kids are fucking lazy motherfuckers.

I was so annoyed.

So annoyed that nobody came by.

And then I'm like, I wish I I knew like I had an inside track with like a plow guy, you know, like one of these guys

who has the podcast.

Work your fucking podcast fucking fame magic.

I mean, you've got to be able to pull some

like weight and get get me and you.

Right, both of us.

Not just you.

My friend and I, our abs are killing us.

See if you can get us.

You know, you guys could just,

you could just call up a fucking service and book them.

They don't ever come.

I did it.

I did it.

You know, i've tried it over and over again i and i like i lock somebody down in the summertime and then they fucking never show up because i get a bigger job a more expensive paying job my it's just too uh small i don't know i could

i called my guy two days before the storm i was like i'm gonna need you here yeah but you got twice he came

you you got a fucking spiraling driveway it's it's a it's a big job you're not paying that guy 20 bucks no but so what that means you just got to pay someone the money to get them in there.

Because if you could get it, if he could get $500 from some sort of like store or, you know, so pay him $500.

We're

looking to cut 20 in between both of us.

Right, yeah.

Like, I remember back in the 80s.

So the guys, so yeah, the guys' services, which is specialist and needed by everybody at that exact moment.

And you want to get him for bogging basement prices

you know it's gotten so bad i've been hurting so

so much after doing this i've been thinking about like buying my own like

blade what's that thing that they put on the front of the truck snowblow oh the plow yeah you're gonna put it on the prius i'm gonna put it on the prius

and just hold on to it because it would only it would take me like four or five like uh up and down on the driveway and I'd be done.

And maybe I could do my neighbors and maybe I could come over and do a brief if he throws me a 10.

Yeah.

Oh, I got a nice price.

Friend price.

1980s pricing for friends.

Yeah, really.

I love that.

You don't want that because then you got to hook it up.

Yeah.

Then you got to store it when you're not using it.

Why can't I just keep it on during the summer, though?

Well, your gas mileage alone will eat into.

Really?

It's just too heavy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I see people put it in the middle.

So it's not dragging.

It wouldn't be like I'd be driving around in the middle of the summer.

Sparks everywhere.

i would know enough to raise it

you know they cost us a ton of money those blades yeah those things cost big bucks i looked into it yes thousands how much it's like talking 10 cylinders

really yeah oh my god wait you were really going to try to hook it to a four-cylinder priest why would it not work absolutely not why because you would need four-wheel drive and probably like an eight-cylinder like those those trucks that that use them those pickup trucks like have you you ever seen one on a car ever I have not but I just thought that it was just because they can't nobody could afford it

I thought I think I have four-wheel drive

you probably have all-wheel drive yeah yeah I think my Prius could fucking it could probably pull itself through the snow all I gotta do is just do my little driveway that's all I don't give a fuck about everybody else you just said you're gonna do our driveways for 10 bucks you're making it 10 bucks

you're just gonna have to raise those prices when I look at the cost of those fucking plows, yeah, I might not be able to do

your driveway price.

Prices went up.

He lured me in with a sweet price.

Fucking bait and switch, motherfucker.

I could come up and do yours.

If I buy it, would you get rid of your guy?

Yeah, I'd do that.

You'd let me have the job?

Yeah, but

he does like the walkway around the house, like surrounding the house.

That's not a plow job.

That's a hand job.

you going to come here and give me a hand job?

I got to do that too.

Do you

need me there immediately after it snows, or can it be like a couple days later?

Because you know, I got it, I got, it's not that close to Staten Island.

No,

he comes, he comes halfway through the storm and then after the storm.

Oh, my God, you're paying this guy.

You got him on retainer.

Yeah, be honest, like for this guy and your driveway.

I've only had to use him once.

Well, this is the first time I've used him, but I knew who to reach it.

Yeah, what's his price?

What are you paying?

I think it was $6.50 I paid him.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

You're 10% of the way to a plow yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is a lot.

I didn't know you could make that kind of money.

He just uses a sign.

He uses a snowblower?

No, he uses.

It's a like four guys come with snow plows.

Right, we should just open up a plow case

and just hire a bunch of people with plows.

Look at Mr.

Plow shit.

Yeah.

The plow kick.

Yeah, but

I had him do the whole

property, not just the driveway up to the thing.

They were there for like two hours.

But what if I do it for five and I don't do the whole driveway?

Like I just do the driveway.

None of this walkway shit.

Right.

You're not walking.

You're sick.

You're not allowed out of the house anyway, Q.

Yeah.

No.

I mean, I'd rather just

get the whole thing done.

Just stay home.

He's a fucking shrinking violet, this guy.

That's what I wrote the other day on Twitter.

I was like, who's the potato chip now?

That's the shit you should not be doing.

Oh, I went out again, didn't I?

Hold on.

Oh, I think it's a loose that wide.

Okay.

Yeah, there you go.

That's the stuff you can't be doing.

You can't be tempting fate like that by going, who's the potato chip now?

Next thing you know, I'm like, Q.

Oh,

did you shit your pants?

Because I shit my pants.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll jinx myself in the next one.

Do not do shit like that, man.

That's bad karma.

Not if you do it to your friends.

Oh, if I'm saying that

strangers and shit.

Yeah, if you're busting your friends' balls, I don't think that weighs into the karma of the universe.

I think karma is blind like Lady Justice, bro.

Oh, you think that?

Not between bros.

I don't know.

I think that only applies to that bro's hoe shit.

I don't think it

applies to karma, though.

No, but the reason he's saying it is because it's funny.

He's not saying it because he means it.

True, but still, man, I wouldn't.

You know what?

You do what you want, Bri.

I'm going to be over here telling you.

I'm going to live on the wild side over here.

I'll bet you when you get a snow days, like a couple snow days in a row like this, I guarantee pregnancies increase because people are getting down.

I got to imagine.

Right.

But if you're going to like.

And plus the snow's pretty, the snow's romantic.

You know what I mean?

I could see it kicking off a spate.

Yeah, you could see popping up Blue Chew and going to town.

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We must be doing all right for them, man.

A lot of people must be popping boners, the ants.

You know?

Yeah, they would be.

Asking us to hawk this

Blue Chew if it if we weren't you know

making units fly off the shelves.

Yeah, units.

There was a little bit of a debacle in our advertising recently.

Yeah, you remember Mac Weldon?

What did they sell?

They were the clothing company.

They have those awesome sweats.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happened?

Well, Mary Beth gets a frantic call from the advertising agency because a certain

person for Brian Quinn called up asking for sweatpants.

One of his people

didn't even call the advertising agency called Mac Weldon directly or emailed him.

I'm sorry.

It was alleged.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

It was alleged that someone from your camp

was looking for free sweatpants and they were like, hey, what's that code?

And they emailed not the advertising agency and not Mary Beth, but they actually emailed Mac Weldon.

Mac Weldon was upset.

The advertising agency was upset.

And I'm listening to it on speakerphone.

I'm just saying to Mary Beth, I was like, there's no fucking way Brian Quinn or anyone representing Brian Quinn said, I want some free sweatpants.

Yeah.

I mean, that definitely didn't come from me.

And also, it was a frank.

It was also spelled Brian Queen.

So

I didn't even get that right.

But people were.

It was like they were a buzz with Mac Weldon.

Mac Weldon.

Why were they angry?

No, I think they weren't angry.

They were upset because whoever was alleging that they were from your camp started getting, like, when they were like, you can't have just free sweatpants, they started getting real rude and unprofessional with them.

They're like,

that was our first clue that it might not have been him.

Oh, that's really weird.

What a weird scam.

It's odd, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

I also want to read read you an email.

Sage turned 15, dude.

Don't read that shit.

That is fucking crazy.

Yeah, and she lords it over me.

She's like, next year I'm going to be 16.

Then at 18, I'll be adult.

And like, all this other shit.

I'm like, all right, well.

But

she's been going to virtual school for the past couple of days because of the snow and shit.

And

the other other day she was, you know, she normally gets dressed, but the other day she was tired and she just wanted to stay in her pajamas.

And to me, I'm like, is that a thing?

Girls go to fucking restaurants in their pajamas, you know?

Like, so it didn't occur to me that her being in her pajamas was a big deal.

But evidently it was.

Right.

So this is an email I got from the band director from her school.

We had an issue today.

The less urgent portion is that Sage was in pajamas.

A few other students were as well.

And I was speaking to them because district policy states that students should be dressed appropriately for school, even if attending remotely.

But during the last song we were listening to in class on YouTube, Sage was dancing.

This is something she does to the music frequently in class, and dancing is fine.

As you may be aware, on a fully virtual school day, everyone is on camera, and I'm thinking she may have forgotten about that.

While dancing in her pajamas.

Oh, no.

I think I know where this is going, huh?

Right, yeah.

It's going the way of the pool in

Orlando.

Let's see.

While dancing in her pajamas at home, she lifted up her pajama top, exposing her entire upper body.

Everyone present in the Google Classroom meet was able to see that.

I thought

you should be notified and remind Sage about behavior during the school day, whether at home or in the school building on the dress code, blah, blah, blah.

So, yeah, so Sage was flashing.

I don't know what to do about this kid.

Every chance she gets, she's whipping him out.

Well, can you shame her?

Can you shame her into thinking her body's bad?

Not in 2021.

I'm saying that.

No, I know you're holding fired for even saying this.

Sounds to me like he's admitting he was looking at her boobs.

Yeah, I know.

She's a freak.

You could charge him with crime.

I'm like, well, dear Mr.

Band Director, I've got some news for you.

I just reported you to the police.

Looking at my niece's boobs.

Yeah, I'm just like, she doesn't do that at home.

Like, not once have I ever seen her.

She dances a lot at home.

Now, I don't,

don't, I hope this doesn't come across as

anything other than like just a guy who doesn't deal with special needs people.

Right.

If I was working or if I was like starting a job with special needs kids,

I would not be, I would not be like shocked, though, that if they did something like that, though.

I don't know if like, can you expect

them not to do stuff like that i mean isn't that just kind of stuff that like you just kind of have to like roll with the punches and car for the course and don't make a big deal about something like that i guess like he's not i i think that he would be like i'm not making a big deal about it i'm just telling you that like she's showing her things on camera But yeah, you're right.

I think that that kind of stuff is fully expected from some like...

Because she is.

She's like, she's in a totally different world.

So it doesn't occur to her that she's on camera.

Dude, I just had a fucking memory pulled out, like a suppressed memory.

Really?

Good boy.

Cute.

Did I ever tell this story?

That

maybe I did.

Like, where I worked at a place with special needs kids and he got me a job one day.

Literally, one day.

Yeah, I worked for one day.

It was like a room for really

special needs, like to the 10th degree.

Profound children.

Yeah, they call it profoundly retarded at the time.

And

within the first hour of him getting me the job,

didn't I have to take

a female into the bathroom and like

they wanted me to re-diaper her.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what they wanted me to do.

Like within the first hour, it was like, okay, it's like, you know, like in Platoon where they send a newbie out into the fucking

They didn't want to do it, so they had this fucking 19-year-old kid just started his first day and it's like, you go into the bathroom with with a with a person that had to be

14 well into her teens yeah and change their diaper

oh my they just met you they were like get in there with that girl yeah that is it was crazy um

yeah walt worked the one day and in retrospect it was like

like i worked there for i think most of the summer it was my i got the job because my girlfriend's mom worked there at the time

They expected Walt to do that, but at the same time, I remember like this lady being like, I am not paid to wipe this child's nose all day.

That was like the kind of place it kind of turned into, you know.

Yeah, the people in charge were definitely,

they probably had been there too long and were

so sorely underpaid and under, probably underappreciated,

maybe even not even up to the, maybe they didn't even have the qualifications to do the job with.

But they're hiring us.

Yeah.

But I remember they also gave me, like, I had to feed a kid,

and I would put the spoon of applesauce in his mouth, and it would just come out of his nose.

So it was just like this endless, like, like infinity cycle of me putting it in and then wiping it as it came out of his nose.

And I'm like, am I doing this right?

I was like, is this supposed to be,

is this okay?

Because I don't think anything's going down his gullet.

Because it's just going in and coming right out of his nose.

I think the only high point of the day was it was this little black kid named Corey and me while we're kicking a ball around with him.

That was probably

the only good part of the day.

I mean, it was, yeah, it was

eye-opening and just like, I knew, like, when, because I needed, I couldn't walk away.

I was too far away from home.

I couldn't quit on the spot.

I had to wait.

You would have, though?

And I didn't have a license.

Yeah, I would have quit and walked out, but I couldn't walk out.

There was nothing I could do.

So I had to stay and do these horrible things that they wanted.

I don't want to say horrible things, but like really difficult things for a 19-year-old to do.

You could say horrible.

And so, I just remember like walking out to the car up Ryan.

I was just like, I am not coming back, dude.

This is fucked up.

Yeah, it was.

But how long did you work there, bro?

Like, that you were like, I can handle this, and also Walt can as well.

Uh, I think I worked there about two months, but I never did that stuff.

Like, I don't know why, like, maybe they were hazing Walt or something, but like, I never changed anybody.

That wasn't expected of me.

Like, mostly, I just played with him.

Like, nobody was verbal.

That's the other thing.

Like, nobody was verbal.

Everyone was pretty bad off.

And

there were girls who, there was like a girl who would, like, she would hug me every day when she came in.

And then you weren't allowed to hug her.

She's like, because they're like, you know, they're, they're sexual and

she's using her boyfriend and all this other weird shit.

I was like, the kid just wanted to hug.

And then she walks away.

I don't, I didn't get it.

But

like, a big shout out to anybody who does that for a living.

They have like hearts and they do things that like, you know, a lot of people cannot do.

I, I being one of them, and it was like very, like, I repressed that memory until now, just thinking about that, the thing with Sage.

Yeah.

They do the Lord's work, those people.

Oh, hell yeah.

And there are people who love doing it.

Yeah.

Love it.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I mean, I guess there are parts where, like, parts of the job, which are rewarding.

But there are also parts of the job that are just like, I cannot mentally do this.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

I'm not equipped to deal with something like this.

Yeah, especially like if you're gonna like changing a diaper, you're gonna start throwing up.

Like, you didn't even change your kids' diapers, right?

I mean, I did.

I changed

the number ones.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, number twos was the uh, was Debbie's job.

Yeah, she and she was like, Okay, I understand.

You know, she never gave me a hard time about it.

Right, that seems like a mom job.

I mean, I know people are gonna be like, fuck you, but I just feel like it's a mom job.

It's too much.

Like, the smell is fucking unreal.

Like, it's unreal.

Yeah, I mean, moms, they don't care, man.

Moms are different breeds, man.

Yeah,

that's why you're always hearing about dads just walking away.

That's not why they walk away.

I'll change you that diaper.

They go for a pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I tell my wife, I haven't smoked a day in my life.

I gotta go get a pack of cigarettes, Deb.

You'll give me some Winston's.

That's amazing.

Walt, you had

an experience at the post office recently.

Oh, can we talk about that?

I think it's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess we could talk about it.

I mean,

I don't want to get anybody in trouble, though.

Well, I mean, nobody will be in trouble because nobody listening to this would ever,

nobody listening to this should do anything other than just listen to it.

Like, we're not looking for any kind of retribution here.

It's different than when they insulted me in that newspaper.

While you're setting that up, Walt,

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That's what I was wearing when I was shoveling all that snow, Q.

Nice.

Made it bearable?

No.

No.

Made it a hair better.

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A little backstory here is due to Patreon, Walt, you're always going to the post office.

Yeah, I help my daughter out and I'll bring some of the packages down to, I go to multiple post offices because

I don't like to hammer one post office with a whole bunch of packages because

post office employees, they're pretty grouchy and they don't tend to like when you walk in with like 100 packages.

So what I'll do is I'll spread the wealth and I'll bring it to

a whole bunch of, like up and down Monmouth County.

I'm all over the place.

dropping off post postal packages.

And this one post office, the lady in there, she definitely didn't recognize me when I walked in, even though I kind of go there somewhat frequently.

And she's talking to another customer about how there's no boxes because they offer free boxes if you use a certain kind of

service for the post office.

They'll give you a box that you could put the stuff in.

It's called a flat rate box.

There were priority shows.

Yeah, but there weren't any on the sales floor.

And

she started ranting and raving that people come in and steal the boxes.

And she's ranting and raving to somebody else at the time, right?

And then she looks, and I have my again,

I have a hat on, I have my mask on.

I probably had Ray-Bans.

What are they called?

Raycons.

Raycons.

And I, oh, I thought we were talking about sunglasses.

I thought we were talking about Ray-Bans.

I wasn't paying attention.

We're still waiting for Ray-Bans.

Come on, Ray-Ban.

I had my sunglasses on.

So she starts saying that people are stealing things and she thinks that she kind of sees me and she thinks that I'm the

number one suspect.

The culprit.

The guy that they think is coming in and taking the boxes and walking out of there, but it's not me.

And

hold on, let me see if I can play this.

I was recording it.

I don't even know why I was recording it.

I can't remember now, but I'm so glad you had it.

You know what I mean?

I mean, that's $14 to mail this.

All right.

You should probably better off giving it to a friend as a gift or something.

Yeah,

keeping it.

Alright, thank you, honey.

But I'm just telling you the truth.

Alright, thank you.

What do you mean the long ones?

Long ones.

Long boxes.

The board, like...

Yeah, I need three of those if you have them.

Alright, buy it half of them.

Somebody keeps stealing all my shit.

I know it's all the place for the mouth rates.

They're not.

Oh, why are you taking it?

You know, I don't have enough time.

You didn't give me that.

I brought the box.

I brought it in already.

Put you in the back.

Well, who the fuck are you?

They loot her in.

You can loot her in online.

What's that?

I load up the boxes.

You he doesn't do that.

She said he doesn't do that.

She realizes that it's.

She thought it was me.

Who the fuck are you stealing all the boxes?

And I'm like, no, no, no.

I just brought boxes in.

I said, I'm not taking any boxes.

But she was pissed, though.

Wow.

Have you ever heard a drunker-sounding post office employee?

What if it sounded like you got accosted by a crackhead on the street, is what it sounded like.

That was crazy.

That's a professional post office worker.

Yeah,

I mean, she's actually,

she helps me out.

She's actually very, very nice unusually.

Oh, I disagree.

I've been there too.

But yeah, she was not having a good day.

And she didn't, I think I hadn't been there in a while.

And she just didn't realize who I was.

And she thought I was the guy stealing the boxes.

I can't even use those boxes.

I told her.

I'm like, I don't take in those boxes.

I can't use those.

You're defending yourself.

Yeah.

Not to mention, they are free from the post office.

Like, I know people like, I mean, this is what I used to do for our foreign stuff.

I would take them, I would cut them, and then, like, reassemble them backwards.

They don't, they change that.

You can't do that anymore.

They print the yeah, I saw that.

Sons of bitches.

But what do you attribute Walt's difficulty with post office employees to?

Because first it was Susan, and literally, anytime Mary Beth hears the name Susan, she goes, Susan?

Like how you and me, like when Mingo was like

every time without fail.

Yeah, postal work.

These are

a very

agitated bunch of people.

Easily agitated, I should say.

Yeah,

it's like pizza guys.

Like, pizza guys are always ready to go off on someone.

I feel like postal employees, like postal employees either fall on the side of like, wow, they're so nice, I can't believe it.

Or like somebody's going, everybody's stealing my shit.

Like, what a weird scene.

And you seem like you're unflappable.

Oh, you know, you you know why?

Because I found that it doesn't do, like, like to get annoyed at her.

Like, she made a mistake.

She thought I was somebody else and I got it, and she was annoyed.

But, like, I got to deal with her, and I got to deal with all the other post offices I go to on a very consistent basis.

So, like, I'm good to them on Christmas cue.

You know, I give them

gift cards.

And there's one guy I go to,

beautiful man, just a sweetheart of a dude.

So patient.

And,

but i gave him like out of all the gift cards i gave to all the postal employees um this year and in you know for tell them steve they um

i told him i said like i give i'm giving you the our the most expensive gift card i said because i want to tell you it is an absolute pleasure coming to this post office i said you do not realize how nice it is to come in here and not have to like deal with the attitude.

I said,

because it could break a a man.

I said, like, I walk out of there going, I can't do this no more.

I can't do this no more.

I can't go in there and have them yell at me just because I'm fucking bringing them boxes, which is their fucking job.

Yeah, it's like you're the reason they're staying employed.

Like ultimately, like, how many billions are they in debt the post-office?

Oh, they'll never get out from underneath it.

It's almost like they have tenure, like a teacher, where they're like, we can't be fired.

It's fucking insane.

But I told that guy, and he didn't, and he was like, he was touched.

You know, I told him that, like, you're not like the other guys.

I go,

don't ever change.

Don't ever let the job get to you.

I said,

because you have a pure soul.

I told him.

Well, this is the bullshit part.

I believe the first thing.

I swear to God, I told him that.

I said, like, I'm giving you more than I've given any other post office I go to.

I said, because.

It is a joy to come in here.

Like, I never fucking have my body doesn't tense up and I don't feel like the sweat's coming on.

I know I'm going to get yelled at.

I said, I just want to let you know that I appreciate you being in this world.

I don't know his name.

I mean, I told him all this.

I guess it was kind of weird when I walked out.

He had to be going like, what the fuck?

Yeah, like, he's going to kiss me.

How old is the guy?

He's about my age.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it's funny, like, sometimes when.

We're watching TV or something, like, or we're talking about something, Mary Bethel, be like, oh, that guy's ancient.

He's like literally 10 years younger than me.

I find I'm starting to resent her youth.

Oh, it was bound to to happen.

Uh-oh.

You know what?

How would you think it was?

Like, that's the fucking Brian Johnson that I know of.

Yeah.

He thought that that would never, ever fucking arise.

That would never, ever pop up.

That's other people.

But I'm just thinking, I'm like, okay, like, let's say I live a long, long life, right?

Like, I'm 53 now.

I'm ready to go.

I think, yeah, I mean, this is the g this is the on the way out.

This is all you take care of your business, bro.

Tail end.

Late third act.

Get your affairs in order.

Mary Beth, where's my will?

She's like, you don't have shit.

Yeah, but I'm thinking, I'm like, okay, let's say I even live till 93.

I live another 40 years, right?

She's still only going to be 66.

She can go out.

She can fucking party.

At 66?

Sure, why not?

I mean, she may be going out and playing bingo, and I'm sure you might, you know, might not want to do that, but

you're going to have to

let her have a little bit of leash at 66.

My God.

Oh, no, I mean, I'll be dead.

Oh, okay.

I'll be dead.

So I resent that she'll have this whole second life after me.

And 93 is probably being kind, you know?

Like,

let's say it's even 80, you know, like say 30 years from now, 83.

You know, she'll only be 56.

56 is prime fucking cougar age.

She's going to be going out and fucking lawn boys and pool boys.

But you probably won't even know.

No, I'll be dead.

Of course, I won't know.

Well, I mean, but you also, you also could be in some sort of vegetative state, too.

I hope so.

So, I'm a burden.

It's my dream to be a burden.

Like, she can't go out.

Don't worry, Brian.

You will be.

I soiled myself again.

Well, we call Walter.

I remember back in 72.

He was on the way, but 92?

No, 86.

The guy could change a diaper.

You wouldn't believe it.

It is like, you can tell that's how traumatic it was, that like 1986, and it was like it was yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because it was not a solid movement.

I remember it.

It looked like wax.

This is what...

This is what theirs looks like?

Think of all the fucking memories of your family that you've forgotten that you'll never remember.

That waxy fucking shit.

That'll never leave.

No, no, there's nothing that could erase it.

It's fucking weird.

It was buried deep.

And now that you fucking drug it out of me or dragged it out of me, now I'll never forget it again.

Yeah.

You ever see?

Go ahead, Q.

I was going to say, I can't remember my grandmother's voice anymore.

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Yeah.

Did you ever see it, Walt?

No.

It's this, it's a movie and it's about this technology that exists where they can go in and they can like erase certain memories.

Oh.

You know, so like you could erase that diaper or this exists or this is a science fiction?

No, this was sci-fi.

Oh, okay.

Jim Carrey was in it.

And what's the girl's name?

Kate Winslet.

Kate Winslet?

Yeah.

No.

No?

Yeah, Kate Winslet?

No.

Fuck was it?

Yeah, I I think it is Kate Winslet.

I don't know.

Would you

like to do that, Q, if you had the opportunity?

It wasn't like where you had to open up your skull case.

No, it was just.

Yeah, there might be one or two things that I'd be like, let's get that out.

I don't need that.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I bet you a lot of people would be like, yeah, I would like to live a life not having to remember something like something horrible.

Like petty things, though.

Petty things?

Yeah, it would be mostly like petty things, like

somebody else's shit or something like that.

It would be little things like that, or a person that I can't stand.

I'd be like, eh, just cut him out.

Or something that was said to you that it's like, I can't unhear that now.

Yeah.

Like little things like that.

Yeah.

I would take it.

I would take that.

Yeah, little shit, but not huge like segments.

Like, I wouldn't want, like, as,

you know.

Not fun as so many years were prior to meeting Mary Beth, I wouldn't erase them because it's like, then there's this huge segment of time where you're like, what happened?

I mean, you probably still say that when you look at that pin segment of time for different reasons.

Fuck what did that happen?

The fucking tornado of a girl comes in.

Q, do you still follow soccer?

I have not followed any sports in the past few years because of how busy I've been.

I don't know.

If this is something that maybe is too hot-buttoned, we could always cut it out.

But I saw recently a news article that um there was this soccer coach uh overseas

he got fired because in a post-game interview he used this phrase um while describing what he felt was unfair treatment by the referees to his players he said um i don't know when we are going to get our penalty One of my players will have to rape someone or get raped himself if he was going to get a penalty.

And that dude was fired

less than an hour later by the organization for using the word rape to describe how the referees were treating his players.

Oh, wait, I thought he was saying, Yeah.

Oh, he would have to rape somebody on the field.

Yeah, he just,

yeah, he just said it.

He said rape.

Right.

He was just using rape as an analogy.

Yeah.

And

I got to be honest.

I would be like,

my thing would just be like, the reason I'm firing you is not because you said the word rape.

The reason I'm firing you is because you're so fucking stupid that you said the word rape.

Yes.

Like, that's why you're getting fired.

Who knows what you're doing?

You're an idiot.

Yeah, like you're a fucking moron.

Like,

I'm not offended at all.

I'm just offended by what a fucking dope you are.

In this day and age, if you don't know that that's not the fucking word to use in a post-game interview with fucking reporters, yeah, you're a fucking idiot.

Say assault.

You say assault, you still have your job.

But I mean, like, um,

like I've watched sports for a long time.

I know, you know, I'm guilty.

Not in the last 10 years, though, but I know

I've screamed at the TV that, like, oh my God, he fucking raped them.

Why didn't they get the call?

But you know what?

But that was like, you know, in the 90s, though, probably I said that.

Everybody was saying it back then.

But even if you said it now, it wouldn't, I don't, I mean, you're a private citizen in your own house.

You could say whatever you want.

Yeah, but

could I face

a backlash

from listeners, though, now by admitting I had used that analogy in like going to Stanley Cup playoffs.

Oh, Scotty Gomez is going down the fucking middle of the ice against the Rangers in, you know, in a playoff game.

And I'm like, you know, oh my God, he got fucking raped.

Why didn't he get that call?

You know, I mean, I've been guilty of it.

I can't remember.

I know,

maybe no more than five times.

Right.

Well, if you're listening to this and you're a fucking idiot complain about Walt using the word.

No,

I don't want anybody to complain.

I just want to let everybody know, though, that I've stopped using that analogy, though.

What do you say now?

Now I would just be like, oh my God, he got mugged.

Much better, right?

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, I think that's still acceptable.

Yeah, but.

Mugged.

I have definitely not, I definitely have taken that out of my lexicon when describing a sports call.

No, is this because your family's around?

Or it's just a little bit more.

Yeah, I just think that

the word, you know,

it really shouldn't be used in such

willy-nilly like that.

It should only be used for what it is, you know, the repugnant, ugly thing that it is,

not a sports analogy.

Well, sometimes if Mary Beth doesn't give me enough dinner, I'll be like, why did I get raped for over dinner?

Like, what the fuck?

I mean, I've definitely discussed contract negotiations in terms of getting raped.

That's for sure.

Do you use that

at the meeting when you're trying to play hardball?

You want me to just pull my pants down?

I'd be like, you guys raped us seasons one through five.

I'm like, so fucking cough up.

I'll say something like that.

Really?

Because that'll make people stop.

You know, that'll make it their attention.

Yeah.

I won't use it going forward.

Not after this conversation.

You guys mugged me.

Q, there's.

Robbed.

You guys robbed me.

Robbed.

Yeah.

But I agree with you, Q, though.

Like, if you don't know better, like, in a professional sports setting, really in any setting,

If you don't know that by now,

you are a fucking moron.

If I had a position that I went like, ooh, I could get fired from it, I wouldn't say it.

Like, I wouldn't even have said it just right now, you know,

because there's so many dickheads looking to just get you fucking shit canned.

But I mean,

the guy, like, there's so many other words to choose.

Yeah, you don't even have to use this word.

But do you think, though, do you think, though, that there'll be people who are like upset by me saying in the 90s, I had probably, I can't even, I can't even say definitively if I did, but I almost feel like I probably had to have when I read the story that I had to use that.

But I am saying, though, I no longer use it, though.

I grew.

I realized.

They don't care.

No?

No.

It doesn't matter if you've stopped using it for 25 years.

It's what you did back then that matters, not the person you are today.

Don't you understand?

No, that's not true.

He's owning up to it before he got caught.

Yeah.

That's personal growth.

Got ahead of it.

That's what they say, right?

That's personal growth.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I think I do believe, like, you know,

it's a word that definitely should not be used

unless it's actually a meaningless game

of hockey or football or soccer, whatever it may be.

Yeah, I mean, the uh, the soccer guy using it is like, what do you mean?

That's a weird thing to say.

That's like a really weird thing to say, like, because it conjures up the image of soccer players raping each other just to get a penalty.

Uh, Q,

before we get out of here, because I can see you're you're faltering.

You're looking a little sicker by the minute.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm getting a little hang dog.

I could see it, yeah.

When you get your next test, the Chinese have, you know, they're always giving us new stuff.

They have now having an anal swab test for coronavirus.

What do you think?

That's the most effective way to get tested, I heard.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Up down, swab.

Who's doing it?

I got to do it to myself.

I mean, I'm cool with that, but I mean, like, yeah.

Well, anal swabs require inserting a cotton swab, an inch and a half to two inches into your anus and gently rotating it.

So, I guess you can do it yourself.

Yeah, it sounds manageable.

And then, what do you do with the cotton swab?

I guess you hand it over to whoever tests it.

Yeah, I mean, they would need it, right?

Yeah.

Here's my swab.

Hey, who's going to take my swab over here?

I just swabbed my anus.

Does it like, why is that preferred over the nose, the nasal?

I think it's more like it says a throat swab on a 52-year-old man showed negative results after the person showed symptoms,

but he tested positive using nose and anal swabs.

So like Walt says, I think it's just a little bit more effective.

Yeah, but who the fuck's, but who's doing throat swabs?

That'd be the first time I've even heard about it.

It's all nasal.

Is nasal as good as anal?

Because if so, I'll just stick with nasal.

I guess so.

It says stool tests may be more effective than respiratory tests in identifying COVID-19.

Oh, that's with me.

If I got a

when we're in production,

we're usually taking like five tests a week.

So that'd be a lot of fucking abuse on the caboose.

Oh, yeah.

You'd be straight, you'd have like that prolapsed, like goatsy anus and shit.

Yeah.

I'd be on like OnlyFans showing people for five bucks.

Still COVID-free.

Tell him, Steve Dave.