#466: The Birdman of Staten Island

I have fucking tits.

Like, I don't know what to do about myself.

Get used to tuna, bitch.

There would be no little caveats when the press interviewed me about Mike and Ming going down.

We got all we need.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I am here with Walt and I am here with Q.

Hello.

The boys.

What's up, bro?

This is the last pod of 2020.

This is it.

I think for all things considered, we kept up pretty decently.

Yeah, I think so.

We only missed a week or two here or there, eh?

I think it may be the most

prolific output

in years.

It's got to be since like maybe the first couple years, like as many episodes as we put out.

Regular free episodes.

Regular free episodes.

You miss many weeks, I don't think.

No, and then plus here and there, me and Frank did some stuff.

Yeah.

Is this the last it could be, depending upon

if things

how things work out.

This could also be the last episode recorded in the old building.

Yeah, that's what I thought it was until

there's been some permit issues with the the town of Redbank, and they're dragging their heels.

And, you know, like I said earlier, COVID, I think now is the universal get out of fucking work card for everybody who's like, oh man, COVID.

What are you going to do?

COVID.

That's why you can't get anything done.

COVID.

Oh, why can't you get this material?

Oh, COVID.

Why can't you do it?

Oh, COVID.

Everything is fucking COVID.

And when you want some fucking real, timely answers and timely shit done,

dude, you could have got that done pre-COVID, but it's post-COVID, asshole right it's post-COVID what do you expect yeah yeah all of a sudden everybody became fucking

you know island time

is it bad island time I guess if you're waiting for permit yeah

it's bad but uh but otherwise if you if you try to live your life on island time a little bit like in your free time we did for months cooled out relaxed yeah but it was fucking bitter cold no no we did it in uh in more oh yeah you're right i guess it was cold in march when when things the first shutdown shutdown.

I would imagine that's what Island Time is, right?

Pretty much.

It's like.

Yeah, just hang around until you need to do something.

You know, there's no schedule.

Nope.

You just get up when you want to.

You don't, you know, shower when you want to.

Are you talking about Bryland time or island time?

You watch TV until

you.

You can't watch anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

what do we want to tackle first, Estash or 2020?

About Christmas.

Or Christmas.

Yeah, how was your Christmas?

Uneventful.

Uneventful, huh?

No fights.

You went to Pam's?

Went to Pam's in the morning because

we were the only ones that got approved by Eric since we don't really go out.

Hunter and my sister, they work with people.

Does Eric know you went to fucking Disney World?

I know he did all the quarantines afterwards, but

he doesn't know everything you do,

no i mean i'm not reporting back to him

he's got an app that tracks you i mean if i'm like if i go to the grocery store or something yeah you tell eric no no

but i don't really i don't go out to just to do shit though like we don't go out to dinner we don't like if if if i go out it's kind of because i have to doctor shit whatever

um

so we went to pam and edgar's me marybeth and sage in the morning well noon around noonish for breakfast And just came home and watched movies and shit, hung out, ate food.

Really?

That was it.

That was it, huh?

Did it?

Island time.

Yeah, great.

Now, is that, is there expectations that there should be more?

I mean, or is that like everybody's like,

everyone's chill with that, everyone's cool with that, kind of like laid-back, kind of like

laissez-faire kind of.

It's post-COVID.

I think, like, if they talk to Eric, they become, like at Thanksgiving, they become increasingly concerned.

And then as like they don't talk to Eric for a little while.

Oh, because Eric fucking stirs the, like, the fear of God in them because of COVID.

Yeah.

Why, does Eric know more than like

than the average person knows?

Has he got secrets that, like, that aren't being revealed to the general public?

My first guess would be no.

He does not.

But does he like to say, like, like, does he like to lay down little things that, like, like, I know stuff that you don't know and you should be.

And just not tell them.

He's on guessing.

That's what he should do.

Great troll.

Just something big is going to happen in the next couple of days.

No, I just think that he's like, hey, man, if my sister and Hunter are around people constantly,

there's a much better chance they're going to pick something up.

Just went there, went home, and that was it.

Sage got up late, opened her presents.

You know,

Walt got her a fucking hideous haunted doll with its brains leaking out of its head and shit.

It's the most haunted of the dolls.

So, yeah.

Well, Bri was like talking big and bad.

He was fucking bragging about how Sage is into haunted dolls.

She loves gore.

She loves fucking, she loves like splatter.

Yo, she's hardcore like I am.

So I'm like, all right, motherfucker.

I'm going to search out the most goriest, most disturbing doll I can find.

And I'm just going to leave it in a bag with a little note that says her name, and I am, and it just says I am haunted.

Yeah, you wrote that, right?

Yeah, I wrote that.

You should have said, Debbie wouldn't let me write what I really was going to write.

Oh, yeah.

I was going to write on the back of it.

Just a dick with comments.

I wanted to write like this story about how, you know,

I forget what name I chose.

Was it Odelia?

Ophelia.

And I am yours and you are mine.

I hate who you hate.

Let's make them pay.

That's awesome.

And she was like, You can't write that for a little girl.

And I was just like, I'm not writing it for her.

I'm writing it for a big man.

I'm writing it for a big fucking talker who's like, My girl, my kid loves all horror.

She loves real blood.

She loves to see somebody get hit by a car.

Yes, and Susie is dead.

Yeah, it was a pretty gruesome sight.

And at first, she was like,

I put a picture of it on Instagram, and you can see in her face, she's like, what the fuck?

Because the point before that, she got a Chucky and a Tiffany living dead doll, and they come in the same box, and there's like a heart, so it's like kind of cute.

But it was from Oka Wall.

This is what's inside your head, in case you didn't know.

Oh, brains are legal.

Oh, yeah.

She's holding a skull, which I thought was apropos.

That was cool.

Yeah, that was very cool.

Let me see.

Wait, no, this isn't it.

That's the one.

I have better pictures.

I'll show you one.

Oh,

is that it?

Yeah, that's the one.

That's it.

That's not the greatest picture, though.

I'll find a better one for you.

I'll post it, too, so people can see.

That's great.

Now, am I.

Should I have gotten Sage a Christmas present?

I don't know why it makes you say that because I did.

Yeah.

Look at her face.

Oh, yeah.

That is a word and freeze.

Oh, that's great.

I'll post that picture in front of a regular doll.

But here she is.

Here she is with Tiffany and Chucky.

So happy.

Tote down how she feels.

Yeah, Tiffany and Chucky are lame, though.

That's not horror.

That's a joke.

I'm like, you think that's graphic?

I'll say you graphic i'm gonna go get waltz present for you

that's my shit's legit yeah that's fucking corporate bullshit you're right it is mass-produced whereas waltz is definitely one of a kind

has a weight to it and everything

with sand

um but yeah i don't know i wouldn't feel like you know that's just like

It's like keeping up with the Joneses kind of mentality where you're like, oh, well, he got a present,

so I should have got a present.

Should I have done it?

I'm learning.

This is actually, this is keying into something in my life.

I'm learning that I don't give gifts to people that I should.

Me too.

I don't tip people I should, and I don't send thank you notes to people I should.

Well, tipping, I'm good with because that directly reflects on me in the moment.

So I'll do it just to make myself feel good about myself.

But I never think to give, like, I have a friend who has kids, not even Sage.

This is a conversation I had this week, and I have not given a present to kids five now.

Well, I mean, you know what you could do before this episode's over, just write Sage a check, and then you can write my two kids a check, too.

I mean, a nice big one, because

you're essentially gave them a gift.

She's going to take out the price of those tickets to the show that I.

The show I was mortified at?

The show I wish I could have been anywhere else but on the planet, but there?

That's the one.

Girls, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

The fact he pulled that out so quick shows a very fucking quick fucking, like, like he's been thinking about those ticket prices for years.

He pulled that out of his back pocket

in a microsecond.

I didn't think of anything that I gave you that I could pass on to the ticket.

You still have enjoyed that show.

You remember what I said?

You fucking our last roll of toilet paper.

I had my girls fucking wiping her ass with fucking candy wrappers.

Brian Quinn needs a

snatching out of their hand.

Their expressions at that show looked like sages when she saw the toilet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

I remember this untrue.

I don't remember them talking like like this.

They're funny, it's just a harmless guy's untrue.

Sweetheart here, I feel threatened, and I feel like they're gonna jump off and attack me.

Maniacally running around the stage.

We haven't even gotten to the Jokers yet.

Backstage ripping lines right now.

I'm so fucking coked out, you guys.

So no, I don't

dude, that's not something I should have.

I'm not doing it in my life.

So, he is another.

Who told you that you should be doing it?

Who brought it to your attention that

you were

being

a miss?

That would be my assistant.

Oh, so did she pull you aside and be like, you know, because this is tough to tell the boss

that you're ungrateful and

a piece of shit for you.

She's got a tat dance around that.

She can't just come out and say it about what she really feels.

Because the rating mentality is: people give things to me.

Yes, exactly.

Do you see that pile of shit he fucking opened before he got here?

It's piled up.

I can't even see it.

From all the listeners and fucking viewers and hijaders, like it's like

Santa Claus visited the stash and just only left gifts for Q.

Right.

That was good.

And his sleeve was empty at the end, too.

Oh, wow.

So I really stepped into something.

Wow.

I mean, truthfully, it really didn't even occur to me.

It wouldn't occur to me that it would even occur to you.

Right.

Which is why I think I'm safe, but apparently it's not.

When the assistant breaks this down for you and lays it out there,

do you immediately

jump to get

defensive?

You're fired.

Who's been saying that?

Or do you sit there with an ear and be like, okay, all right, I didn't know that.

I didn't realize I was doing that.

That was my response.

Okay.

I texted my friend and I said, hey,

just give me your address one more time because

I want to send something for the kids.

I've just been informed that I'm a piece of shit and that I should have been sending gifts this whole time.

And then my buddy made a joke about it, and then I made a joke back, and that was it.

I sent the presents off.

Okay.

Well, you know what?

You took the right steps, though.

I don't have kids.

I'm never going to have kids.

So it's just not in my mind to think about the gift exchange.

So I'm learning that it's a real blind spot on my part.

Now, Sage is offering off opening gifts from you.

Right.

And

if you know what, next year, I'll just put from Walton Q.

Oh, problem solved then.

Thank you.

I'll give you half the money.

There's a little bit of

fucking taken care of.

Move on.

You're not even going to think about it anymore.

It's my favorite type of problem.

You can go home and tell your assistant.

Problem fixed.

Yeah.

So what you're doing your job first.

Well, that was my point.

I was like, why am I like,

just show up with the presents?

You're not supposed to remember at this point.

Just, you have a credit card.

I haven't said this to her.

I should say this to her now.

Does she have a corporate card that she should be preactively buying the gifts to cover for your ass?

I think she would if she assumed that I was not.

I think, like, her thing was like, I mean, it's just such a no-brainer that I thought you were doing it, or you would have asked me to do it if

you would have asked me to do it because clearly you should be doing this, was her point.

Like, it never happened.

She let you go on it for a while.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

And

do you have any feelings of like, like, when you're just before you fall asleep, you're laying there?

Do you go, like, do you question your, like, wow, does everybody think?

I love that it's all mine.

I thought it was PQ's world

it's someone's telling me it's not

something's out of orbit here

it's a skew and a miss

oh well fuck it

Yeah,

basically.

Basically.

No, I mean, my defense was I don't have kids, so I don't think about things like that.

I bought my present friends' presents.

You know what I mean?

I just don't never think about children in that way.

Right.

What did you do for Christmas?

How was your Christmas?

Same.

Same as

Christmas home was great.

I continued my streak of eating

24 hours a day.

You're on a streak now, huh?

I'm just the fattest fuck.

Like, I just sit there and like, I just shovel food in my mouth.

That's all I do all day.

And then when I'm like, this happened to me, I was like, all right, I'm done.

Christmas is over.

I got to start fucking living life and working out a little bit.

So I started working out.

And then my aunt sent a Christmas gift and it was like a card attached to a mega bag of MMs.

And I'm like, well, I can't throw this out.

That would be disrespectful to my aunt.

So now cut to me on fucking my couch watching Star Wars, eating MMs like a fucking fat fuck.

I'll bet, like, I've like, you know, the bags.

Like, they're not easy to stop eating either.

Like, if you're into that bag.

Yeah, it's like 170 calories, like 10 of them.

And I eat the whole fucking bag.

I have fucking tits.

Like, I don't know what to do about myself.

He texted me

in a panic.

He was worried about it.

It's like I was saying to you, I've read in so many different places that the COVID-50 is something where people are putting on like tremendous amounts of weight,

if not, you know, just 5, 10, 20 pounds.

So it's not uncommon, but at the same time, it's like, yeah, how do I stop?

How do I stop?

Because tomorrow's going to be the same shit.

I'm like the Jim Carrey in the mask.

I'm like, somebody stop me.

But there's no one to stop me.

Why don't you just give yourself to New Year's Day?

And then on New Year's Day, then you're like, okay, that's it.

It's over.

It's a new lifestyle.

It's so basic, though.

You're like, I know what I'll do.

Make a resolution.

I know, but it's hard.

But let's be honest, realistic.

New Year's Eve is coming up.

You know, you're going to want to get your fucking

load on.

No, you know, no.

You know,

you're going to want to relax a little bit and not be stressed out about, oh, should I be eating or giving yourself unneeded.

You want to just relax and just have a good time.

But then the next day, then it's like, okay, now it's just celery stalk

and

white rice.

Yeah.

Like what's tough about that is the transition to no sugar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's what I've always found stops me.

Like I'll be a couple days in and you get the headaches and you get fucking moody and shit.

You want to smash somebody.

So if you can get past that.

You know,

well, so far I haven't been able to.

I haven't even gotten far enough along to experience those issues.

Like I just make a wish and then I fucking just shove my my face full of food.

Yeah, well, and it's also so easy now.

You got DoorDash, you got Grubhub, you got all these places that are like, hey, you want some food?

And you're like, yes, I do.

Thanks.

It's on Amazon.

I just, I add food.

The Whole Foods delivers 10 bags of food like an hour later.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's what Mary Beth does, Instacart.

It's fucking amazing.

Yeah.

It's like, it's, it's like,

it's seven bucks more.

And I'm like, well, isn't that weird?

I'm like, how is that even possible?

I was like, and they're losing money because like the seven bucks that I'm paying, I'm losing and just walking down the the aisles and be like, oh, I'll get that.

Like, I'm just ordering the things I need.

Mary Beth loves to update me on how many hours she saved shopping by using Instacart.

I'm like, great.

I wouldn't have been there anyway.

But this doesn't matter.

This is now eating into my hours hearing around this.

I would have come up and seen you

if you weren't going to visit your parents.

And now I'm not going.

Oh, you're not going to go now.

You can't go.

You know what, man?

They're in Florida.

Like I said, my dad's got the one lung.

Uh, every article is just like the fucking surge by holiday travel, and then about, and then Florida specifically.

And my buddy, my buddy, I don't want to say his name, I almost did.

He, he's even crazier than me.

He's like, fucking, he won't leave a bubble.

And his, he went down to Florida for a funeral.

He acted, he said, I got on the plane, two masks, face shield.

Uh,

went to the funeral.

It was like his first cousin or something like that.

Wore the mask.

He goes, it was five of us there.

He's got COVID.

Oh, my God.

He is,

he's in hell.

I was texting him yesterday, and he's like,

every bad symptoms you've heard about, he's got.

Oh, my God.

He's like, I thought I was going to have to go on a respirator.

I couldn't breathe.

He goes, now I can't smell.

I can't taste anything.

So I was like, look, I was like,

I can't be the idiot that goes.

No, you can't take that chance.

But it also goes to show it doesn't fucking matter how careful you are.

It just doesn't matter.

If you can do the basic shit, you know, your mask and your sanitation.

Two masks and a plexiglass shield wasn't enough to stop it.

Right.

Wow.

So I can't go down that.

Because he probably touched something, then touched his nose or eyes or whatever the fuck, because you do it, what, 100 times and I would fucking know.

Well, that's what I said to you.

I said to him, I was like, you're telling me how careful you were.

I was like, but if we had video of the moment you caught it, you would be like, I'm an asshole.

I was like, I believe I did it.

Yeah, something so stupid.

So.

No.

Did you do well?

Christmas was pretty eventful for me.

Chick-fil-A catering, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But

it was on Christmas Eve, though.

We did the Christmas Eve, we did the Chick-fil-A catering, broke out the Chocolate Fountain.

Yeah.

Monster hit.

Yeah.

I have a niece.

I guess she's my niece.

I don't know if she's my niece or my cousin.

She's young now.

She's like seven.

Oh, I know it's not the pirate.

Goddamn present.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Multiple presents.

Did you?

Yeah.

But we broke at the chocolate fountain because we knew she was coming over.

And

you just

see that on a kid's face, though.

Yeah.

It changes the room a little bit.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

It brought the energy level from like a seven to a nine.

So no brains spilling out of adults.

No.

But then on Christmas Eve, though,

did you guys remember the winds and the storm that was picking up?

Yeah.

I thought a tree was going to come on my house.

I was like, bam!

Horrible.

And I'm right off the water, too.

It was like...

But

you know my house, right?

There's nothing blocking.

I have nothing in front of me.

I have a lot of grass, and that's it.

Yeah, so there's when it comes, man, it feels like it's going to take the house down.

So it's like one o'clock in the morning, and my wife, I'm up watching TV, and she comes in.

It's Christmas Eve, and she's like, I'm not sleeping in there.

She goes,

it feels like the windows are going to burst in.

And I was like, okay.

And so

I'm still watching TV.

Like 20 minutes later,

she's laying on the other couch sleeping.

And we hear this horrendous crash.

Fucking, and I'm like, what the fuck was that?

Everybody in the house is awoken by this and like i i go to the to the bedroom and i can't open the fucking bedroom door it's like what the fuck it's like there's um like the suction the fucking windows blew in oh the windows actually blew in so like it was like you know when an airplane when a when a when a window breaks like there's like i couldn't get the door open there's shit flying around all in the room some fucking poltergeist

yeah and so like and there's rain coming in and what happened and well you know what saved the window from shattering now

believe it or not it was the Tell'em Steve Dave little burrow couch that we got for free for doing those burrow couch ads.

Yeah, the

window burst in and just came right out of the fucking frame.

And it would have hit the ground, it would have shattered, I guess, but it hit the burrow couch and just like because it was like right underneath it, it didn't shatter then.

But yet, I got now I got a gigantic gaping hole in the house, and it's raining, and it's raining, and there's nothing now, so like there's a giant hole in the house, so and all this water's coming in, and it's coming in sideways.

So it's one o'clock in the morning and um i should i'm gonna i haven't rectified it yet but i probably should go get a hammer at least i have a hammer in the house at least i have a nail a couple nails i don't know

so i had to grab one of the tell him steve day shower curtains from the patreon god damn it

i don't even have one of those no i'm saying that's awesome yeah so i i'm putting up one of the shower curtains And I'm like, okay, so I'm trying to get the, but the wind is coming in so hard.

It's like,

I'm not lying.

I swear to God, like it really took every ounce of energy to keep my arms up to keep it up there.

The wind was blowing that heavily and the rain was coming in.

I'm trying to keep, I'm getting soaking wet.

And my wife's like, what do you want to do?

What should we do?

Who should we call?

And I'm like, a man.

And I'm like, I don't know.

I'm like, I don't know how to fix this.

I'm going, I don't think, I don't think a thumbtack is going to hold this shower curtain up.

I'm trying to put a thumbtack into the windowsill, and I can't do it because the windowsill is not like, it's like not a normal piece of wood.

It's like fucking petrified wood, it feels like.

So like it's it's all I could do just to keep this shower curtain up, but it's really not working anyway.

So much water is getting in as it is.

And so she says, oh, I'm going to call your mom and see if my mom's boyfriend Joe will come over.

He has a toolbox and see if he has some wood.

Because we definitely need some plywood to put get this up.

Because I mean, it is, when it's blowing,

and I'm terrified I'm going to fall out the window.

I'm terrified I'm gonna fall out the window holding this thing up because they're like it's like it's a far drop down.

I would definitely die or at least fucking be paralyzed if I land the wrong way.

Fucking spinal.

And so I'm sitting there holding it up and we call him at like 1.15.

He literally doesn't get there until 3.

So I'm holding this thing up soaking wet as like we're trying to move shit around and the wind is just coming and it feels like the other windows are going to cave in too.

In the other house, my kids are going like it wasn't this bad during Sandy.

Oh my god, this is worse than Sandy.

They're going, like, is the house going to fall down?

You really feel like the house is shaking.

And they're starting to cry.

And I'm like, I go, it's not, it's just that the windows were compromised when we raised the house.

I said, they probably shifted and they probably weren't like...

correct anyway after Sandy originally.

And when you raise the house, I'm sure it really compromised the way they were set in there.

I go, it's not going to knock the house down.

But there was one gust.

Yeah, the whole time.

Like, yeah, the whole time I'm like, I'm like,

there was one gust that was so bad that

in my mind, I'm like, oh my God, this house is going to fall down.

Oh, really?

It really was terrifying.

You can't let it shit on your face.

Yeah, because I'm just like, I could just feel the house shaking.

And especially with this hole now.

So he gets there and his piece of wood isn't big enough.

for the because the window frame is huge was he's plywooded for now he's got a plywood and so he so he so then my wife says, well, we have this piece of,

what's that called?

Like when it's on the back of a, of like a hutch.

It's not real wood.

Oh, like a compressed

board.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have a fireboard that we never use for the hutch downstairs.

And I was like, grab it.

Oh, you might as well use it.

But it's like, it's not, it's like cork.

Maybe if you sew these Tome Steve Dave shirts together.

So we boarded that up.

That shit got soaked and falls apart immediately.

Yeah, so that was falling apart.

So it's like four o'clock in in the morning.

Holy shit.

And finally, we get it, we get it all, we get all the wood up and we start to, like,

with butter knives, start to put towels, like start use a butter knife to start to like put the gaps, like to fill in the cracks so that no water's getting in, no wind's getting in.

And then as soon as we're done, it feels like it feels like you hear birds chirping.

It's like the wind is, the wind dies down.

There's no more wind.

Yeah, but that was Christmas Eve.

And I said to them, I was like, can you remember what happened last year at Christmas?

And they're like,

why?

No.

And they're like, what about the year before that?

And they're like, what are you talking about?

I was like, because you'll never remember.

You'll never forget the Christmas that the windows blew in.

I said, so this is a memorable Christmas.

Wow.

That is eventful.

Yeah, yeah.

Even a fight with Pam wouldn't have fucking vested that.

Yeah, because it ⁇ not the window.

I've never seen that happen before.

I didn't think that could happen, that the windows would just fucking just blow up.

Would it have hit Deb?

No, it wouldn't have hit her, but

it would have fell and probably,

I don't know if the glass would have shattered out.

I'm sure it's probably shatterproof glass on those windows.

I would hope.

I was like,

yeah, but.

But

what was holding it in that cave?

I imagine it just was the clips that were in there or whatever, how it's ever in there.

Yeah.

Just was not tight anymore.

Over years.

And like, we would hear it from through years after we raised the house.

We would hear it rattle and it would leak a little bit.

But in my mind, I was like, Well, who cares?

Fucking windows rattle.

It's windy out.

What are you going to do?

But apparently, I was wrong.

The rattle we were

hearing should have alerted us that something was definitely or seriously wrong with it.

You just can't ignore shit like that, I guess.

Now, is the

moral of this story?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, that was fucking worse than my night.

I was just like, I thought a tree would fall in the house.

Yeah, that was an adventure.

Yeah, it was, like I said, there was so much water

coming in, and

we had to move the TV real quick.

Not that we don't have a real expensive TV, but it was getting all wet.

You definitely didn't want to just lose it just because, you know.

Yeah.

But

everybody else is scrambling to move stuff as I hold the shower curtain up.

Yeah, it's a man's job.

Hold your shower curtain up.

Yeah.

yeah.

There was time it would die down, and I'd be like, I guess it's ending now.

And then it would fucking whip back up again.

No, God.

It sucked.

You got any New Year's plans?

No plans.

No, nothing.

No.

Cue.

I guess since you're not going to see your parents, huh?

No, it's just staying home and probably fucking polishing off anything I can before midnight starting carb up for the new year.

Yeah.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go to Troy's.

Oh, you do that every year.

Yeah.

Yeah, we do that every year.

And it's usually a big affair, but he's scaled it back tremendously.

Well, you know, post-COVID.

Oh, yeah.

I'm well aware that about the scaling back due to COVID.

It's a nice thing, too, like if you have something like that and you're like, oh, I really don't want to have this every year.

I'm kind of over the whole New Year's party.

This is a great reason to be like the next year, just be like, yeah, you know, we're just

not going to do it it anymore.

But

he loves it, apparently, because there you go.

Yeah,

I'll be there.

That's nice.

Let's talk about something real quick, and that something is Raycon Boys.

Now, this is a product that we do believe in.

Every year, all you hear is new year, new me.

That usually means you'll be picking up better.

What?

That usually means you'll be picking up better habits or trying new things.

And if you do take up a new hobby, it's even better when you have the amazing audio that will make the experience even better.

And that's why we recommend wireless earbuds from Raycon.

All right, I'm not going to read all this shit.

But I am going to say, we love Raycon.

That is a fact.

My buddy Iraq, I got him some headphones.

Some Raycon headphones.

Yep.

And I'm not going to say it.

I got a couple other people.

I'm going to get them for it, too.

That's how much.

Using the TESD code, of course.

We don't get them for free, so nobody think that.

Do you have any hobbies planned?

Like, is there anything you're like, I'm going to take up something new?

Oof, I could tell you what I got going on, but

it's not.

It's on the dark web.

I've gotten into

bird feeders.

This is what I'm talking about.

This is why they bring it up.

It gets worse.

This is not what I expected you to say, but go ahead.

So

I've bought a variety of bird feeders, and I've a variety of different seeds, and I've hung them around my house so I could always see the birds come outside the house.

Outside.

Yeah.

And today, normally I have issues with squirrels with this, but now I've got a separate thing just to feed the squirrels.

So they're okay.

But today I had very exciting for me, boys.

I had a Blue Jay come by.

Think about this number.

Think about this number.

Eight cardinals at one time.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it was all these super red.

like five of them were males, so they were super red and shit.

And then the rest were females, so they were a little muted.

But I couldn't believe it.

First, there were five, and I was getting all excited.

And then the sixth one came, and I started losing my mind.

Ben Dream, come to the window.

I was in the kitchen, so Chesse was in there, and he was looking at him, and I was talking to Chesse about it.

Dude, so man, I'm fucking super excited about this bird.

So now I'm thinking of maybe I'm going to buy like a tight lens camera and like take a picture of my birds and shit like that.

There you go.

Bird man of Staten Island.

You could become, I mean, bird watching is a very respected hobby of the rich.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, you could get into some.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Why are they rare countries and shit?

Oh, yeah.

You got to go to exotic locations to see.

This is not a poor man's hobby, bro.

You're going to be like, I can't believe I was ever impressed by fucking five cardinals.

Yeah.

There's a two-canic shit.

You're like, you got your haughty taughties

you're going to be traveling with on your bird expeditions.

You've heard of this before.

You gotta get like the

pith hat.

Yeah.

The monocle.

Oh!

Oh, look at you guys.

Just see that.

Eagle.

That wasn't an eagle.

Oh, man.

I'm gonna fucking rediscover the dodos.

I'm excited, dude.

Yeah, there's a, there's quite a few like birds of prey around here.

Like, you'll see falcons and shit.

Yeah, I got a falcon that flies above my house in the summer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm looking to get like

a really nice Binox, a nice telescope, and a nice long, long lens.

So, yeah, I got hobbies that I'm getting into.

Well, there you go.

Even though you're not doing it, you could listen to just music about like birds and shit, like bridge turpentine roasts.

I'm losing it, man.

I really am.

I'm not keeping it together anymore.

Just in case anybody's wondering.

Because I know you're not fully dressed while you're doing this.

Oh, no.

There's no reason to go.

Oh, sometimes it's like day two without a shower.

It's just not going.

So whether it's following along to directions in the kitchen, binging an audiobook while learning to knit, or powering through a new workout, with a pumped-up playlist in your ear,

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You know what white stems at your ears?

You know what that is?

What's that?

That's the fanny pack of 2020.

That's fucking.

Did you make that up?

Yeah.

That's good.

What the fuck, man?

I thought the fanny pack was the fanny pack.

They've come back in with hipsters.

You're right.

If you walk around with fucking white stems, you're a dork.

You're a loser.

You're a cornball fan.

Fucking end it.

You need to do it.

Do the world a favor and just fucking jump in front of a train, you fucking loser.

Yeah, but before fucking smash your fucking white stems.

Or just buy some Raycons.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Suicide isn't necessary.

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That's buyraycon.com slash T-E-S-D.

I'll show you guys this.

This is specifically for us.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

There's a little, I can't say it, but there's a little note to us

of a slight rebuke.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I would think they would want to play that shit up, man.

No, evidently not.

Evidently not.

I know you guys are making fun of me.

Do you know how crazy it is to see eight cardinals

at once?

Marybeth coming from Ohio was blown away by a Blue Jay.

Funny, I should mention.

She's like, oh my God, look at Blue Jay.

I'm like, I haven't seen them for 50 years.

I don't give a fuck about a Blue Jay.

Give me eight Cardinals and maybe something to talk about.

Did you Google how rare it is to see that many Cardinals in one area?

No, I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't think about it.

Because Cardinals are fairly common in my neighborhood, you know, in my neighborhood.

I've just never seen that many together at once.

And the males are the ones that have the big bright red.

Isn't that always the case in the bird family that the dudes are always the most flamboyant in the

bird family?

They're trying to attract a mate, so they've got to look fine.

Yeah, you got your peacock and peahen.

You got your Drake and Mallard.

But isn't it weird how humans, it's so different.

Like

males, like only to attract other males, would you get flamboyant?

You don't really get flamboyant to it.

Like, you try to get like kind of grungy, kind of like manly, kind of like earth tones.

Well, it depends, are you to attract the ladies, right?

You don't, you don't go like dressing in bright orange and pink and your ascot and shit, like birds,

like the partridge family bird himself,

mimicking all their behaviors.

I don't know.

I think like you like, I mean, what's the fucking when, I mean, these Omega Rolex watches, like, what are they if not fucking men peacock?

Oh, yes, yes, but they're still, but they're not like bright,

I guess they are sparkly silver, but like the colors, though, the colors that uh that I don't think well, the only reason you're buying a watch that expensive is to let other like,

yeah, I guess I yeah,

but I wouldn't think you would buy like uh like a hot pink roll roll.

No, no, that's what I mean.

Just like it's weird how the colors in the in the animal kingdom are you know so different than

those guys.

Why are we not in hot pinks and oranges?

We don't ask them all the girls are in brown.

They're a different, I like they're fucking birds, man.

You know, they're not human.

We're mammals.

We got a different routine.

It's all about protection and fucking resources.

So what's a bird?

A bird?

Yeah, it's not a mammal?

What's a bird, right?

It lays eggs, so no, right?

What about a penguin?

A penguin lays eggs.

It's not a mammal, huh?

Right.

You know the penguins

that they make that they the males bitch out and they gotta watch the egg?

Well, I heard this.

Yeah.

I saw a penguin fight because one guy took over.

Like the male went away from his egg and some other dude took over and then like the female was choosing between the two because she's like, yeah, I had this guy bitch out, but you couldn't even handle it.

So this other dude's sticking.

He's in.

Now he's in.

Yeah.

Fucking blank together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That wouldn't be fun.

Same with the kangaroos, right?

Don't they carry

the kids?

Yeah, Happy Feet paints a picture that it's all fucking sunshines and rainbows, but yeah, giving each other pebbles and shit like that.

You know, kangaroo seahorses.

I think seahorses.

Seahorses like jump gender and shit like that.

Yeah.

Original.

Binary.

Yeah, those are

OG.

OG.

So 2020, man.

Yeah.

Nobody will miss anything about it, right?

Is there anything to miss about it?

Except for the

break, the bunkering down for just a little.

Many people had to be like, all right, I get a week off from work, never dreaming it was going to turn into six, seven months, and eventually unemployment.

It was an ugly state.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever

hope that we ever see anything of its like ever again.

You got to stop doing that, bro.

You're

scratching, touching, and touching your mic.

You're still doing it all the time.

You see, you're do it.

Yeah, you're constantly doing it.

Yeah.

No, no, I'm a fidgety guy.

They took away my adder all.

Oh, did they?

Yeah,

the doctor

was bought by a practice, and the practice was like, unless you originally prescribed this medication for someone, you can't continue to prescribe it.

Even though I've been taking it for 10 years from the same guy,

it doesn't matter.

He wasn't the original prescriber.

Where is the original prescriber?

L.A.

You know?

So fuck it.

So that's why the mic sounds like shit, people.

Why don't you just get yourself one of them softballs, those soft, squeezy balls?

You should, yeah.

And then just squeeze them, you know, while you're

just down here, yeah.

But do you think, though, that there's the worst year of our life, easily, right?

I think that's, I mean, I guess if this is the worst year,

it's been pretty good so far then, right?

Because, I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, it's for us, all for us us three personally, I don't know if it was

that fucking like there's a lot of people who

yes, definitely would be the worst year of their life.

I meant like overall worst year.

I wouldn't want to revisit it.

I think it's seen since like, say, Vietnam when we were alive.

If we were alive during Vietnam, we'd have no context for it because we were too young.

I would think probably since 1918, right, when they had their pandemic.

I'm talking about people living today.

Like, people living today, what was the worst year of their life?

And I would have to think it was either this or Vietnam.

Yeah, I was going going to say, maybe,

I mean, I guess 2002 would have been really

half of 2000.

I think the worst year in people's lives usually are more personal and not, you know, like something bad happened to them personally.

Yeah.

Not so much for the a collective worst year.

This may be the collective worst year or, like you said, 9-11.

There's nobody that was happy about it.

Oh, Bezos?

Bezos?

Fuck.

Well, Bezos got divorced.

He lost, like, what, fucking $60 million?

What does it matter?

He was divorced before before this.

Oh, is he?

He made all that money back, son.

Yeah, that's why he was.

Hey, man, I don't want to start a conspiracy theory, but do you think maybe that's why this fucking happened?

So Bezos would get back some of that scratch?

It may have been.

He released it.

He's fucking Lex Luther now.

Basically, at the end, he may be go down as Lex Luther when this is all said and done.

He's done nothing but provide a great service for us.

Yeah, that's, I mean, that's really all he's provided, though.

But, like,

otherwise, though,

when you step back 100 years from now and you look at the Bezos factor, I believe it will become like, holy shit, why did we fucking let this happen?

Really?

Yeah.

Compared to Hitler.

Yeah, that's unfair, though.

I mean, there's only one Hitler, and this guy certainly doesn't belong in that conversation.

But at the end of the day, he's going to be,

in my opinion, I would weigh in, I would go all in, and then 100 years from now, they're going to be like, why the fuck did they let him control everything?

Why did they?

He has $191 billion.

You couldn't even begin to conceive of that type of thing.

And he's treating his fucking employees like shit, I hear.

Like Amnesty International

has all these complaints about him.

He's really a fucking, at the end of the day,

he talks a big game about being like he's not the fucking billionaire you think he is.

He's a care.

Bullshit.

And who I feel isn't the billionaire, like Elon Musk.

That dude seems pretty grounded.

Yeah.

Everything I ever hear about

is like he's off the road.

Yeah, he sounds like, yeah, like he may be something maybe a straightforward

nuts, yeah.

But I mean, at least he's like a cool guy.

He's like, oh, he's like innovating something.

He's trying to push things forward.

Speaking of which, I was reading today that there's app developers that like they'll, they want to,

if you get, once you get both vaccines, you have like a barcode or something on your iPhone so you can like walking into a theater or walking into a grocery store.

Okay.

You might still have to wear the mask, but this proves you have the vaccine because they're not going to let you into things, concerts, whatever, unless you've been vaccinated with both of them.

And will people try to get that app fucking

illicitly?

Oh, you mean like get their own barcodes going?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, obviously I have none of the smarts for the technology.

Otherwise, I'd be developing the app.

But if the government's involved, which, I mean, aren't they always?

It may be harder.

But you're right.

I mean, there are always hackers that are better than the people that are creating the shit.

So, I mean, I don't know who's going to to get the fake barcodes.

I'd probably just rather get a real one.

There's going to be some people that need fake ones, though, that

are not going to get that vaccination no matter what.

So, they're going to go, they're going to explore different ways to get around it.

I thought it was amazing that de Blasio was like, hey, you know what?

Since they've been marginalized, we're going to give people of color the vaccination first.

And then the people of color are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you crazy?

It's like, the dude can't make a right movie.

He's such a fucking idiot.

Yeah, the guy.

Well, yeah.

It's been that way for eight years.

I don't know what people are just noticing now, but yep.

Did you hear that

just

if things couldn't get worse in 2020, fucking a major fucking criminal has now been released onto the streets?

No.

Who?

Aunt Becky has been released from prison.

I have that.

I have that.

Lives under Walt's Gale.

How long did she end up doing?

Two months.

But I had this argument with Giddam because I said to him, I was like, okay, you're in the prison yard.

We're females in the prison.

Like, we have to this scenario.

And

Martha Stewart's also back in prison with Aunt Becky.

And they have a prison riot.

And

it's Aunt Becky versus Martha Stewart.

I go, whose side are you going on?

Are you on Aunt Becky's side or are you on Martha Stewart's camp?

And Giddam was like, Martha Stewart.

And I was like, you fucking idiot.

She's got to be 20 years her senior of Aunt Becky.

That's why she needs the help, right?

No,

he thinks that Martha Stewart can take Aunt Becky.

Oh, it all hinges on a fight between the two leaders?

Yeah.

Yeah, because then you're...

They're out in the yard.

They're out in the yard.

Then

he texts me hours later.

He texts me this article about that Lori Lachlan hired a prison coach to learn martial arts.

And I said, so you're on my side then?

He goes, no, he still was going Martha Stewart.

But I read the article and I found this to be stunning

so

this article it quotes an expert on prisons and he said that her Lori Lachlan getting martial arts

training before going to prison was the worst advice that she's ever gotten in her life why

and that's what I want to ask you

if you were going doing some hard time but she wasn't doing hard time she wasn't but she still was like a little worried and she was like maybe I should learn how to defend myself if the need arises.

Okay.

Why is that a bad idea?

He says because, which I found to be shocking that they even, once this guy said this, I would have been like, okay, he's no expert.

Okay, this is the expert.

Yeah, he goes,

whoever gave her that advice was clearly giving her the worst advice she's ever received in her life.

He goes,

inmates are able to watch TV, and if she thinks she's going to go in there and bully other inmates to actually defend herself, she's wrong.

Because multiple prisoners would deliberately target her.

This expert then noted a Brazilian jitsu professor in a foreign country, in a foreign prison, who was jailed for raping and killing his one-year-old son, was repeatedly gang raped for 18 hours after he was admitted into the jail.

So he's saying, so if this Brazilian jiu-jitsu expert can't do anything about it, Lori Lachlan shouldn't have bothered to get her fucking

her training.

And I was just dumbfounded.

He's right.

I mean the cases are so similar.

I mean he was using that example as to why you'll know no, you probably shouldn't go get any kind of training or any kind of defense training.

I mean I sincerely doubt she's in Gen Pop, okay?

She's probably, I mean she's very famous.

She's probably in

a fucking prison.

She's probably in protective custody in like a minimum security prison.

In America.

In America versus Brazil.

I've seen documentaries on Brazil.

That's before you're a child molester.

A rapist and killer of children.

I really don't think that the same fate awaits you in an American prison.

In a female resort-slash prison.

And why do you have to go so dark with it?

There's plenty of other examples.

You could be like, well,

there are other people who have tried and failed to, you know, in American prisons because there's always somebody stronger, always somebody who knows more martial arts.

Not like, hey, you ever hear about a kid getting raped and killed?

I'm a father.

Well, I'll tell you the story.

Now, with this, knowing this, so let's say you got a prison coach.

Yeah.

And he tells you, no, no, no, no, Q,

do not go and get any kind of training.

Go in there, like,

just

reminisce at the commissary.

Would you take that advice?

And then, if he was like,

but wait, because here's the example

of why you shouldn't.

Wouldn't there first off be like, wait a minute, dude, I didn't fucking rape and kill a one-year-old.

Tell them to stop saying that.

This is the fucking Forbes or something, or this is a respected newspaper that had this article in it.

That is weird.

That is fucking dread.

I mean, also, it's just like, well, maybe it's not about defending ourselves.

Maybe it's about just like making ourselves feel better or more secure or like ease ease your mind in any way that you're going to prison.

Well, it's probably about defending yourself, though.

It's probably at the end of the day, it's probably 99% defending yourself.

Well, this guy's assuming she's going to be so aggressive as to be like, hey, we're turning on full house, everyone.

That's what he said.

Like, she's going to go and bully people into seeing, like, watching whatever she wants to watch.

No, no, no.

No, he was saying that like people who are watching TV see the news.

Somebody betrayed her in her camp, though, and revealed that she was getting

defense defense classes.

Somebody leaked that.

And, of course, now that hurts her.

Like, how much more can this woman fucking pay?

And now you're setting her up because leaking this put her life in danger.

Because people, there's always somebody, that's why they say when you go into prison, don't fucking punch the biggest guy.

Because even if you knock him out, there are going to be other people that are like, I'll fucking kill you.

Like, you've got to live in punching with the biggest guy.

It's not going to always work that way for you.

And it could be the same way.

Like, they mark her, like, hey, man, I fucking took a shot at Aunt Lori or Aunt Fucking Becky.

And in this article, I was looking at some of the comments that the people can could post comments on this

a lot of people just wanted her to become like some some like lesbian's

like toy in there really i mean like heinous shit they were saying about aunt becky that's the answer that they wanted it they want the same thing for aunt becky that they want for a convicted child

it's insane it's insane that that like that that the anger and the

with the price that they wanted her to pay for this was on that level.

Like, it's unbelievable the comments that were in there.

like, get used to tuna bitch, because that's what you're going to be eating for the next 10 years.

Somebody wrote, 10 years,

who is that angry about this?

It is.

Unless you were a parent of one of the girls that didn't make it into Harvard or whatever the fuck she was trying to get into, why would you have this much level of fucking anger and resentment and

vengeance?

Even I liked, I enjoyed seeing her pay for what she did.

But

at the same time, if they were like, oh, she just got off with a fine, I'd be like, oh, whatever.

Not like they need to fucking prosecute her to the fullest extent.

I mean, I had this whole game mapped out back when this hit, like when she was going to jail.

I had a game that I was going to play about

who went to jail other than Aunt Becky.

And I was doing research on it.

And I had all these cases about fucking dudes who fucking multiply raped people and didn't serve a day in jail.

I had people who murdered people and somehow they fucking got off.

So I had to, but then it fell apart.

Maybe COVID hit.

I don't know why.

I never felt.

You had island time.

But I had done some research into it.

It's crazy how many people have done so much more heinous shit and never served a fucking minute in jail and she went to jail.

Well, it's because she lied at first, right?

That's why they did it.

And they had the cold, hard facts on her.

She wanted to defend herself.

She was going take it to trial instead of pleading guilty that's where people were like okay you're gonna fucking try to defend yourself but just the fucking american way right she's innocent guys until proven fucking guilty yeah exactly exactly what a great point she's innocent until she's proven guilty that's the way you need the government to work so get behind it

so the very fact that they were like the state was so angry that she had the balls to be like no no i'm gonna take it to trial made them want to go for a harsher sentence yeah but you know what i kind of agree with that too why Why?

Because if I was a prosecutor, I'd be like, you fucking kidding me.

You know we got you.

Yeah, like, you know, we got you.

Just say, guilt, do it to fucking Felicity.

Was that the other woman, Felicity?

Felicity Huffman.

No time.

Did she do no time?

I think she did time.

She did one day or something.

Yeah, it was like bullshit.

If I was a prosecutor, I'd be like.

But if you, in your heart, truly believe you didn't commit a crime.

But she did it.

That's the thing.

But she didn't know it was a crime, though.

Yeah, but it is.

It's not.

Of course it is.

It's not.

She wouldn't be in jail if it wasn't.

But it's like because you fucking pay more money to go to a better school.

That's not what she did.

She bribed people.

That's not what she did.

She paid people to lie.

Felicity.

So she should have to eat tuna for 10 years?

No, are they including when she gets out?

She's only going in for two months.

I think they were hopeful.

It's a taste for tuna.

They were hopeful that she'd fucking commit more crimes.

She'd see some prison snappy school.

It's so stupid that it's almost genius.

It really is.

You want to talk to that person.

Right.

Did you refer to vagina as pussy?

I mean, as tuna constantly?

Or is it just...

It's just an internet thing.

It's like, no, I love eating my wife's tuna.

Start using that around the house.

You know what I really kept up on using?

Is claiming that I'm a little bit extra?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I forgot about that.

We were watching, but it was.

Oh, it was the National Lampoon presents.

Oh, no, it was Bandcamp, wasn't it?

Or American Pie?

Yeah, yeah.

American Pie.

World's Rules.

World's Rules.

Oh, my God.

We get together sometimes and we'll watch the shittiest movie.

There's a movie called Bandcamp?

Oh, yeah.

There's tons of them.

They're all.

Is it a movie about the website, Bandcamp?

No, no, no.

It's about.

Didn't they make a movie about Facebook?

So I thought maybe they made a movie about Mickey Camp.

It's American Pie.

It's amazing.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, girls rules.

And then I saw the, I mean, it's god-awful.

It's so terrible.

It's such a like, hey, girl, power, like bullshit response to everything.

She's insane.

Like, she's an actual psychotic, and her friends are like, oh, she's just extra.

Yeah.

I said she's going to start using it.

But I saw it on Netflix.

I was like, you know how they have the top 10 most popular?

And it was like number number four.

I was like, bullshit.

I see stuff up there.

I'm like, this is just shit Netflix wants you to watch.

No, there's no way that like major league is number five or something.

Like they just pop these fucking movies up.

Felicity Huffman did two weeks in prison, a $30,000 fine, 250 hours of community service, and a supervised year of release.

Isn't there better ways, more better ways that she could have paid her price to paid her debt to society than spending two months in jail?

Like, you know, maybe giving some speeches to some rich parents about not ever doing this.

Let me warn all you privileged people.

I'd rather go to jail.

Yeah.

Do you think this hurts her career or do you think this helps her career, her acting career?

Didn't Hallmark channel drop her?

Hallmark dropped her.

She got shit canned on Full House.

Oh, yeah.

It definitely hurt her.

Full house

dropped her?

Yeah.

I don't believe that.

You think she did?

That fucking cast is so tight.

Well, except for the Olson twins.

But they love her.

There's no way.

They probably stood in solidarity.

They dropped her from Fuller House, right?

Yeah, Fuller.

And then they canceled Fuller House anyway.

Well, they canceled it.

No, no, no.

They dropped her.

How did they drop her?

Did they say that she died?

They wrote her out of the script?

I've never watched it.

Wow, I can't believe that.

So

all her actor, her friends, her family on Fuller House.

Turned their back.

Turned her back on her?

Yeah.

Dude, if fucking one of you, right here, right now.

If either one of you guys ever fucking try to get somebody into college illegally, I will stand next to you.

I will never drop you guys.

Okay, I don't know who it's going to be for me, but you ever try to get saved?

I think it's more like we have to stand next to you.

Yeah, yeah, well, is this something we should know about?

It seems like we've come a long way to get to this point.

I need you to fucking

make a phone call for me, QAnon, because the dean really loves IJ.

I need some of those backup Christmas gifts

for tuition.

But let's say if Ming did this for his kids, or Mike did this for his boy, his boys,

I would be like, fuck, I would never turn my back on you guys.

I would visit you every fucking week in jail.

You go to jail?

I would go to jail to visit them.

Ming, it's going to fucking be a you know it's going to be a repeat of what you saw that first time.

Like, they won't leave the same cell.

One of them constantly has a towel on their head.

They're in jail together?

Do they both apply?

They both applied at the same time.

We're taking it to trial.

Every day's a conjugal visit.

I had no idea it would go this way.

I was trying to stand up for my voice.

You guys are making it so awful and nasty.

I wonder where they're going, too, because this was $500,000 she paid.

Now, if you're spent, if you're bribing somebody with half a million, how much fucking money do you have?

You got a lot of money, man.

Damn.

But would you turn your back, though, on Mike and Ming if they did that for their kids?

Would you be like, or

I wouldn't even be bothered?

I wouldn't even be like, what the fuck's wrong with you guys?

I'd be like, all right.

No, though, they got caught.

And now the fucking press is called because you're the most famous friend they have.

Sure.

Kevin Smith, I guess, doesn't exist on this planet, but sure.

And they're like, they want a quote from BQ.

Yeah.

Do you condemn them or you're like, they're my friends.

I stand by what they do.

I'd stand by them, 100%.

Oh, knowing that there could be some blowback for BQ.

If it's a crime like that,

that I could honestly say with a straight face I don't care about,

then yeah, I would do it.

I would be like, Yeah, I'd be like, Look, they're fucking ding bats.

I don't know.

I love the guys.

Oh, that is that.

That's almost like a little caveat, though.

By throwing in that ding bat in.

By throwing in that ding bats.

I was going to say, the bright guys.

I'm going to shoot straight.

I'm going to be like, look, they're fucking ding bats.

Oh, look, my ding bats.

Yeah, but the ding bats kind of like is a cut is a subtle but very powerful

distance.

It's a wig.

It's a win.

Oh, yeah.

You can't say no, ding bat.

You got to be like, no, they did nothing wrong.

The state is abusing their power.

Oh.

I want to do that.

You've got to do that.

But if they did something wrong, they're already in jail.

You can't be like, I totally believe them.

I'm not going to back them up

if they get prosecuted.

They're in jail.

They committed a crime.

But they didn't know, just like Laurie Lachlan, they had no idea this was a crime.

They didn't know.

They had no, they thought they were breaking collegiate laws.

If they legitimately didn't know, they thought, like, yeah, what they would, the worst that they could happen if they get caught is they get expelled, thrown out of school.

They're never realizing that, like,

the real fucking Johnny Law would come in and put them in jail.

I would stand up, I would stand up for them, their character, and nice, and who they are.

Nice.

I can't promise that I wouldn't be like,

You can't use that word.

Will you condemn their actions, Mr.

Quinn?

No, I won't.

Oh, that's all they want to hear is no.

Then they're gone.

You're just know that they're.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

you can talk for 15 minutes afterwards.

The only sound bike that's getting on the news is you say no.

Maybe the fucking cardinals don't show up to my house anymore.

Like, where are they?

I'll have free food.

And then their daughters also paid the Olivia Jade girl who had all those.

Yeah, how come they don't have to go to jail?

They were knowing participants

in the scheme, weren't they?

They're adults.

It should be conspiracy.

Like, why didn't, like, I know the husband went to jail.

I know the wife went to, the mother went to jail.

But why don't the kids have to do any time?

I wonder if it was part of their plea bargain where, like, okay, we're going to take full responsibility.

Because they said she did it without our knowledge.

That was originally what they said.

It's hard to believe.

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's impossible to believe.

I mean, they're ding-bats, but

the law would be like, well, we can't go, we're not going to try and prove that these kids knew.

We'll just take it on their parents' word that they didn't know.

Because how do you prove it?

Right.

Well, I mean, you could prove it.

Text messages, emails.

Oh, I don't know.

They have that sort of sweeping authority.

They were photoshopped into rowing pictures.

If they wanted to, which shows you how shitty the government is on this, the state is.

If they wanted to, they could have brought the hammer down on those kids, too.

I would think, because I don't understand why they get to walk away from this.

Well, I think they're not going to be able to do that.

They can say they didn't know.

They could say they didn't know, but the parents can't say they didn't know it was actually a real crime.

They knew it was breaking the rules of a college.

Like me.

But the kids can say, oh, we didn't know.

that they did this, but the parents can't say we didn't know this was a major deal.

This was a major crime.

But were the kids saying that, or were the kids saying we had no idea?

They said we had no idea.

Stick with that story.

And they also, like, ignorance of the law.

But is ignorance an excuse, though?

Apparently, it's not.

They weren't the one doing it.

Like, their parents were the ones doing it.

They were the ones giving them the money and talking to the.

So they have no responsibility and going along.

They know they fucking weren't on a rowing team.

They had to know that, right?

But

they certainly weren't good enough to get us.

But do they know that the rowing team's even being discussed?

Like, for all they know.

You know, you could find out so easily if you do a little bit of investigation.

I think the state was like, look, we're going to make an example of her.

Oh, we're not going to spend more than the O.J.

Trust on this shit, though.

You are so right, though, but is that right?

Is Lady Justice crying right now?

I don't know.

She should be.

Maybe a little bit bummed.

She should be fucking bawling.

She's like, spend all this taxpayers' money on this case.

So it's not that you want Lori Laughlin to not go to jail.

You want these two to join her and her daughter.

Well, I just feel it's weird that they just kind of like just pinned it all on her, though.

Instead of like,

those kids walked off scot-free, and you know, they knew.

Right.

I just read where the girl was saying, like, oh, you know, I was confused when this all happened.

I feel so bad.

I didn't know.

That's that's the caveat of a person who is like, oh my God, I had all these fucking endorsements and shit for these makeup things, and now that's all going to go away.

But you both feel that she'll never recover and she'll never get back to where she was.

You know, she wasn't an A-lister, but she'll never work the way she worked before this.

Oh, I think she'll work again for a while.

But like, didn't Martha Stewart come back bigger and more popular?

But Martha was.

It was much more fucking nastier.

But she opened her own company.

I mean, she has her own company.

Well, it was tax stuff with her, right?

Well, no, she didn't.

No, it was an insider stock trading.

She made 60 grand off it, too.

I think most people don't even understand insider trading.

And I think when people hear it explain it.

It's more insidious, though.

But I think most people are like, well, I'd inside trade if I could.

Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

I'm waiting for a a tip.

So most people who could send their kids to a grandiose college is like, hey, if you give me $50,000 more, I'll get you into even a better college.

Yeah, but most people

can't do that.

Yeah, how much are Mike and Bing paying?

And where are their kids?

They're trying to get into Brookdale.

Okay.

Go on.

They're paying so they can get a parking place up front.

Oh, yeah.

There would be no little caveats when the press interviewed me about Mike and Ming going down.

Whoa.

We got all we need.

Shit, man.

So what else do we have in 2020?

Well, let me ask you something about this case before we move on.

How did William H.

Macy escape complete...

I think he had nothing to do with it.

That's the only thing I could make of that case.

He's Felicity Huffman's husband.

He went to jail, didn't he?

No.

No, Lori Laughlin's husband did.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, William H.

Tracy is a real good actor.

He's famous.

You've seen him in a billion things.

And he was in Fargo.

He was the lead in Fargo, the guy who owned the parking lot, right?

Yeah.

And his wife went to jail and he didn't get to know him.

I'll tell you.

He's nights, little Bill.

Because if he's like any other dude who's married, he really had nothing to do with it.

Yes.

His wife does it.

His wife runs the whole show.

That's the best.

I love it.

14 days to himself.

All your wife does is say sign here.

You sign and shake your head and be like, what?

Is that all I got to do?

Okay.

Thank you.

It's just sign.

I remember the last time I saw money.

Yeah, so I think William H.

Macy just had nothing to do with it.

Or at least they're like, look, we're going to say it was on me.

I'm the one who

paid.

Shit.

Shifty thing, though.

But again,

it's weird.

If you have the money, it's harder to say, like, I wouldn't do it.

And you know what, though?

I looked, but I didn't see any internet fucking trolls demanding that Lori Lachlan's husband be eating

wieners

in jail.

Nobody was like demanding that he

have to do such horrific things

while doing his time.

So why is it that we just want her to be doing?

Eat that tuna.

Depending on what the tuna looks like, it would be fucked.

She could make it.

I imagine like Max Mom on always sunny in Philadelphia, just like this gross bulldog lady.

It's not like Sybil Danning.

No, no, nobody hot like that.

No.

Because, you know why?

Because they want Lori Luffin to eat tuna because she's the famous one.

The other guys just sign that kind of not the script.

They're like, let's point all our rage at the person we know.

And bring it down because she is like, she's like the ivory soap girl.

She's just like a picture of the girl next door.

You're speaking truth to power tonight, brother.

We love it.

Love it

when you call it like it is.

Yeah.

I'm not holding back, everyone.

That's Tell Steve David 2021.

We're not going to hold back anymore.

We're going to speak truth to power every single episode.

Truth every single day.

And the truth is, what, though?

Just shit they read online.

But that we don't want fucking

celebrities to have to fucking

eat nasty tuna.

If they have to eat tuna, we just wish it would be hot.

Hot tuna.

Tuna of a certain pedigree.

It's such a fucking genius comment because it's so stupid that it's awesome.

Tuna.

You know exactly what he's talking about, though.

As a language communication device, it's a fucking home run.

I knew exactly what he meant.

I understood.

Pam and Edgar would know what he meant.

That stretches across all of the people.

Would you want to meet that guy?

I don't.

Because he wrote it all in caps with like 15 exclamation points.

I don't want to write a fucking screenplay with this guy.

It's almost like it's a guy whose kid didn't get into a school.

Oh, yeah.

That is awesome.

What else did we have in 2020?

We had, well, obviously, some very ugly

events.

Did we?

Yeah.

I mean, we had some riots.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's right.

That happened this year.

We had all that.

We had Kobe Bryant, wasn't he, this year?

I don't know if that was.

I thought that was last year.

Oh, fucking no.

No, it was this year.

It was very early in the year, right?

I think it just got overwhelmed.

Right.

He disappeared in the

news.

Let's see.

Kobe Bryant.

Look him up real fast here.

Juju Juju.

That feels like a long time ago.

Yeah, 2020.

January 26th.

Yeah.

Doesn't it feel?

Yeah, like.

It's almost like you can't, like, when they first did the lockdown, it's hard to remember it.

Like, it's hard to remember.

I can remember it very, very, yeah.

I can't remember exactly the days leading up to it when I felt something weird was going to happen.

Yeah, I mean, like, every day, like, it just seemed to stretch into one long day.

I mean, I remember it, but not as individual days because it just, like, one day turned into the next, turned into the next.

It was uneventful, to say the least.

Except if you were trying to get, like, toilet paper and shit,

ass wipes and the such.

And then you see people online getting all fucking crazy because somebody went in and bought all the paper towels.

And I saw some lady yelling about baby wipes.

Like, my baby needs those wipes and shit, you know, shit like that.

It's like,

I don't know.

It's every man for himself in these situations, right?

It's crazy.

And then, and then you had politics being what it was this year, too.

So you're just like, holy fuck, everybody's already at each other's throats to begin with.

Did you see that we've gotten back to a certain state of normalcy with the New York Post?

It's no longer election stuff and no longer COVID stuff.

We're concentrating on what's important, which is Alec Baldwin's wife faking her whole background.

Really?

Yeah, they didn't read all this shit?

Oh my God, it's all people have cared about for like two days.

Alec Baldwin has a wife whose name is Ilaria.

Okay.

Whose name is really Hillary.

She said she came from Spain and she speaks with like this Spanish effect accent, which goes in and out.

But really they found out she's from Boston.

She's just a rich white waspy girl.

So her whole like, and I guess she's sort of traded on this as being like the hot like ethnic yoga teacher and all this other shit.

And people are like, all right, she's a phony.

And they just delight in outing her.

It's like, I mean, dude,

on the post, it was the first two articles.

There was the main article, and then the next one below it, and then the next one after that was like COVID.

Are you sure, though, that this is the main articles in a newspaper in 2020?

Because you came in today, and you also told me that there was fucking animation sweeping the internet of Tom Brady kissing somebody.

And

I had to fucking tell you that is not the case.

I did mix that up with something that someone said to Walt.

All right, now it's not.

But earlier today and yesterday it was.

Now you can't even fucking find it.

Oh, no, wait, here you go.

There you go.

Hilarious.

Baldwin's original claim to fame, the pregnant lingerie selfie, and oh, Alec, you must have known more than you were letting on.

Those are two of those sub-articles.

Alec Ball wins the shadow, right?

He's the shadow.

Who cares?

Isn't it like, who gives a shit?

Who gives a fuck?

Why?

Like, we're already back to this.

We're already back to people caring about this shit.

That's what I meant.

It's back to normalcy now, where people are going to care about totally trite Pat Bullshit.

Because Trump, because they don't have Trump to fuck it.

They've got Trump to hate.

Oh,

that ain't going away.

Oh, I mean, unless, like, well, he did say he was going to run in 2024, I guess.

He'll be dead.

He's never going to fuck it up.

You don't think he'll make it another four years?

I do not know.

Why?

He'll die of natural causes?

I'm sorry.

I'm not a healthy guy, and the stress of all this,

and now I think they're going to go after him legally.

I don't know, man.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Legally, for what?

Well, for all the things that, you know, they'll find a multitude of

dig him up and try and get.

I don't know.

Biden may stop it.

Biden might be like, look, man, I'm trying to heal a fucking country, and you're going after these people's savior.

Like, just fucking let him go.

He'd probably be smart to do that, I guess.

Well, it seems like they that you know, they talk, everybody talks a big game.

Like, remember, Trump was like, We're gonna fucking go after Hillary after I win, you'll be in.

And of course, because they all take care of their own at the end of the day, they're all in this, they're all the same fucking

skeeving,

lying out for themselves, politicians.

We got to drain it.

You're politicians.

You'll never drain it, though.

Politicians and journalists.

I don't trust them.

And fucking lawyers.

Lawyers, yeah.

Except for the Tom Steve.

The only person you can trust are podcasters.

We tell the truth.

Every single day.

Goddamn right.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.