#456: Musical E

How do the devils know that I'm an asshole?

What?

How would the devils know that I'm an asshole?

We're on episode 800 of the show.

I'm a fruity guy.

You really?

You're going to stick your finger up a kid's ass?

Yeah, man.

What kind of guy are you?

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I am here with B to the Q, W to the F, and B to the J.

Yeah.

What's up, boys?

How much?

What's going on?

Looking good.

You're going a little lighter with the masks these days.

No cloth for you.

This is

the difference between, the protective difference between this mask and the mask I normally wear is like 5%.

I didn't want to be late today, so I just grabbed the closest one.

I figured I could risk the 5% it brings it with you guys.

I had not known that there was masks that were less protective than other masks.

Yeah, the N95 masks are like the ones that they recommend using because they have the filtration that's really good.

So, is there a difference between the mask I'm wearing right now, which is a cloth mask, as opposed to you have almost like a paper one on?

Well, this is the one they use in hot, like the medical surgeon masks.

Yeah, there is, but those are good.

These are good?

Those are good, yeah.

Anything, anything is good, but that those are good.

No, um, I hadn't thought of this before, but do you guys, um,

are you secretly judging me because I'm not wearing a mask?

Because both you guys have masks on.

Do you feel like I should be wearing one?

Well, in this room, I try not to worry about it because if you don't want to wear one and I'm wearing one, it's, you know, what am I going to do?

You're like three feet apart.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wish you would take it a little more seriously in general, but you have that thing in you where you don't like being told what to do.

Yeah,

I saw a kindred soul at the convenience store today.

I was walking out and like as soon as I walk out of a store, I take the mask off.

Yeah.

And he's walking in and putting one on.

And he goes, I fucking hate this shit.

I mean, I hate it too.

It's not like I don't.

But I'm like, he's a total stranger yelling to me.

I was like, yeah, me too, man.

I can't fucking stand it.

I had a

family issue.

So I had to drive down to Florida on Wednesday.

And 16-hour straight drive.

And that was a lot of fun.

Is that sarcasm?

That it was fun?

Yeah.

I would say like 80% of it was fun.

You get towards the end and you're just like, oh, for fuck's sake, I'm in Florida, but I'm not there yet.

But then I had to fly home

and I fucked up.

I booked the

whatever.

I booked a flight myself through the app and I fucked it up.

So I got to the airport.

I didn't have a flight.

So I was like, well, I got to book any flight to get home because I have to get home because I was shooting something for the New Jersey Devils, which I'll talk about.

So yeah.

You just got got to rub it in her face.

I heard about it.

So I'm at the airport.

I find the JetBlue flight

to get home, but I have to hang around the airport four hours.

Okay.

Now, that gives you a lot of time to sit in a corner and observe people.

Holy fucking shit.

Nobody gives a fuck.

Everybody's walking around, like not everybody, but a large amount of people are walking around with the mask around the chin or just like under the nose or fucking.

And they just don't care.

Like the people that wear it down, like around their neck, they don't give a fuck.

Every five minutes is an announcement going, you're in the airport, you have to wear the mask up.

They don't get people giving them dirty looks.

It's not my problem.

Like, you're just like, this is fucking crazy.

Then I get on a flight and I just feel like I'm going to die.

It's just like, I feel like I'm like, why are you feeling like you're going to die?

I just feel like the nerves, the virus is

the anxiety.

Yeah.

I'm in

the even more

legroom.

Yes.

Like, there's a guy behind me coughing.

There's a woman to my left coughing.

The guy in front of me is sneezing.

He's telling everybody he's got allergies not to worry.

Oh my fucking God.

Meanwhile, I was flying home, and the ticket was $42.

So, all right.

So, the flight's full of the type of people, and I'm one of them, who take advantage of a $42 flight to and from Orlando in the middle of a pandemic.

Like, that's who's on the plane, if you know what I mean if you can penetrate that mental picture.

Were you wishing that you had booked a different, a more expensive flight?

You thought

it would be more safe, though?

The flight that I had booked that I fucked up was

a first-class seat, which was $220, which is unheard.

That's normally what a fucking Jet Blue.

Yeah, that's very.

So I bought

the seat and I bought the seat next to me.

I was like, great, I'll fucking buy out the seats.

Nobody will be next to me.

I'll fly home, no problem.

This will be great.

Instead, I ended up in the fucking even more nightmare.

So it was real nerve-wracking, man.

Like, I got home, I couldn't shower long enough.

I'll talk about it a little bit later, but I was also on a JetBlue flight last week.

I got to sit next to Sage, Sage, though, because they don't sell that middle row.

So it's not that bad.

Like, I didn't even get the extra legroom this time because I'm like, I'll have all that room with me and her.

But if I, but I would have done it if it was just me flying.

Well, the couple behind me, she sat next to her husband because they were like, we don't need him.

And both of them were coughing the entire time.

And I was like, these motherfuckers.

Does the anxiety ramp up with every day a new, a new, like another shoe drops?

Like, you know,

Trump now is tested positive.

And he might.

I'm America's Superman.

No, but I mean, like, the anxiety, though, because, like, the stock markets definitely have anxiety when they hear when the president of the United States is sick.

You know, they, they are affected.

BQ's not?

No, I'm not.

That's all shit that's happening outside my fucking world.

Right, but do you think, though, that like it could cause like

more

upheaval and more like, you know,

just more chaos in an already chaotic world?

I feel that upheaval and chaos is coming no matter what.

So it's not something I'm fearing.

I'm just waiting for it to come.

Do you think he makes it through this?

Or do you think

so?

I think he makes it through it.

I think we get to an election, and no matter what happens at the other side of that election, that there's going to be, there's going to be some trouble.

Have you heard the conspiracy theories?

No, what's that?

These are not ones that I'm starting or I'm backing.

But I'll tell you what I've heard

on my ear to the grapevine.

Trump doesn't have COVID.

Does not.

Is going to say he has COVID and be so sick he cannot run and has to pass the baton to Pence.

And then if Pence loses,

then he could say afterwards, well, I would have won if I didn't get sick.

Of course I would have won.

So just to save face.

Just to save face.

Throw it.

Because he sees the writing on the wall and he's like, he sees those poll numbers and he's like,

it's not happening.

Yeah, but he's got to think he's going to be winning.

He thinks he's going to win.

I think he's going to win.

There are a lot of creative people out there.

you don't think that's a you don't think that's a that's a pretty good solid conspiracy theory though right for a guy who doesn't want to have to lose on the world fucking stage but you're talking about donald trump he doesn't think he's gonna lose yeah he didn't think he was gonna get covet either no right he's there's no way he thought he was gonna get it he the way he was fucking he thought he was fucking teflon that that the virus wouldn't touch him like fucking he was wrong he was now look at him and the beautiful first lady has it too why aren't we paying more attention to that because she's fucking

she's healthy as an ox man look at her that's true she's got the

European stock.

They're used to sitting out fucking harsh times.

Oh, I don't know, man.

I just think it's

times.

I mean, just when you think it can't get any more fucking surreal.

I said some time ago, I remember us having a conversation on the show, you and I, Walt, about if a president died,

it wouldn't hold the same weight as when JFK died.

I was like, I really don't think people would be all that upset.

And you were like, no, no, no, they'd be upset.

Now, this is when Barack Obama was president.

Would you like to change your opinion?

Would people be upset?

Well, I mean,

there'd be a tiny segment, I think, of the population.

But there would be people who would be pretty happy.

I mean, it would just be bad, though, because it's going to be like a very,

like I said, I think it'll just be chaotic if he dies before the election, though, because it's never happened.

I guess it has happened, but not this close, I think, to an election.

I don't think you're going to worry.

I think he's going to be fine.

You think so yeah what makes you think that though i mean he's he's at that age group he's in the he's at the at-risk fucking person he's yeah he's not that healthy they say although he claims to be the healthiest 75 year old that ever walked the planet i think that's bullshit doesn't he say he lives off mcdonald's fries or something that's bizarre

uh i don't know maybe it's just a feeling because the the updates are coming he put out that video i don't know i i think he'll be fine nothing live though.

Well, nothing live.

When does he go live, unless at least in the press room?

Well, I mean, if he went live, I'd be a little bit more,

I'd give more credence to the fact that it may not be more worse than it appears to be, or that it could be worse than it appears to be.

Sure.

And look, I don't know anything that you don't know, so it's just you're just going feeling.

I don't know.

Maybe I thought maybe when you did this devil's fucking

phone in, maybe you also got some fucking dirt on the presidency.

Yeah, dude, tell us about this.

More hockey talk with Beakers.

Yeah.

The devils asked me if I wanted to.

All right, so you know Scotty Gomez.

Do you?

Yeah, of course I know Scotty Gomez.

What position did he play?

What was his number?

I'm not answering any of these questions.

I know all of this because I fucking looked it all up before I fucking talked to him, but I'm not subjecting myself to this sort of inquiry.

Really?

How many times did he win a cup?

I don't need to answer any of these.

Just one of these.

Just one of those questions.

Twice?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't know the answers.

I just refuse to give them.

How long has it been since he played Scott Comez?

It's been some time, right?

No,

he's retired relatively recently

in the grand scheme of the game.

He's a recent retiree.

I mean, I'm sure he still looks like a young man.

A great player.

Yeah, he's a young man.

He looks like he was a really good player.

He was

an excellent devil.

He was one of my favorite all-time devils.

Even when he left, I didn't begrudge him for going to the Rangers because they parked a Brinks truck

in front of his house and were like, please come.

But I wish he had stayed with the Devils, but

it didn't work out.

I mean, it worked out for him.

He got a boatload of money.

Like $51 million or something.

But it didn't work out for him career-wise.

His career fucking

kind of nosedived after he left the Devils, though, in terms of point production.

Right.

Do you care that?

I don't know.

This is a real question.

Do you think you'd care that much?

If you have 51 million

and then you start slacking a little, little, you're like, oh,

I'm just not converting these points.

I think an athlete, yeah, I think it bothers anybody who doesn't produce, especially when you got your city

bagging on you day after day.

You haven't scored a goal in almost eight months, you know, it starts to wear on anybody, I think.

He said that he feels he was part of the best team in almost the history of hockey.

It was 2000 Devils.

And it was when they didn't win the cup.

Oh, 2001.

It was when

they couldn't get the back-to-back.

Yeah.

And he was like, I felt that team, if we had won that, we would have been considered one of the best teams ever in hockey.

I still consider that team one of the best teams ever.

I might be biased.

I'm probably biased.

I'm definitely biased.

I might be biased.

Yeah, that was a crushing loss in game seven against Colorado.

But did he mention why he thinks that they weren't able to do it?

I think it was because Niedemeyer had a concussion and played with a concussion that series.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Sounds like it would affect performance.

Because he was such a vital player and

he got knocked out like one of the most vicious elbows ever.

And he then went on to play in the finals.

Like a week later, he's playing in the finals.

And I'm sure that had

to take him in that championship bench.

Well, it wasn't that kind of interview.

They were like, because now he does this.

He lives in Alaska and he does this YouTube show, which I encourage anybody listening to check it out because it's called Scotty's House.

And

what he's presenting it as is an Alaskan teaching you survival and cooking tips.

But he's so funny, the guy, that when you're watching it, I'm like, he's got to be fucking with us.

Like, he's doing things.

It's almost like a, he's almost doing a really subtle parody of these stupid videos.

And he's so fucking funny.

And

I was like, because the devils, they asked if I wanted to.

Now, did you, did you, who sets this up?

Do you have like somebody from the the Devils contacts you or does Scotty have his own?

The Devils presented him a list of names that they wanted to reach out to.

My name was on it, and

he picked it because he wanted to likes IJ.

Yeah.

Of course.

So.

Of course he does.

He doesn't watch Complic Men.

He did not mention Combo Men.

No.

So they were like, do you want to interview him?

And I watched the videos.

They're so fucking funny.

I was like, I got to talk to this guy.

So they were like, just interview him about anything.

Ask him any questions you want.

So I just came up with like 20 really weird questions.

What are some of the weirder ones you asked him?

He's a big fisherman.

So I was at one question I asked him was, let's say you're fishing and you catch the most beautiful

Alaskan salmon ever.

And as you're reeling it in, it starts to talk to you.

What do you do?

And it's, and then it's, you know, questions like that.

Like, what if a robot came back from the future to try and kill you?

How do you fight it?

Like, I was throwing all sorts of one question.

Really, you have an opportunity to interview two-time Stanley Cup champion Scott Gomez, and that's the level of questions that.

Yeah.

But it leads to stuff.

You know, he hasn't been asked these questions before.

Yeah, no, obviously not.

It leads to stuff.

Like, one of the questions, I don't remember which one led to

in the conversation ensuing it, I was like, well, what's it feel like to win the Stanley Cup in your first season?

Like, how do you.

Wikipedia, that one.

And he said, well, again,

he said that

the guys were like, look,

you just accomplished it, so now it's all about business.

And he goes, you learned very fast that it's a business.

He goes, so there was some, you know, so the questions were stupid, but they led to some things, and he loved them.

We were getting along.

We were supposed to do a half hour.

We did almost two hours.

Finally, production was like, guys.

Two hours.

How much of that we'll see?

Four minutes.

Oh, it's only a four-minute show?

It's like an interview clip.

Yeah, yeah.

They want to do a half hour to get four minutes.

We did it almost two hours because we were just having a blast.

Do you have his phone number?

Yeah, we were texting.

He said, sending me some salmon.

Unbelievable.

You want me to see if I can get some salmon?

I don't want any salmon.

Do you have a question you would ask him in your interview?

I could text him right now and ask him.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Let's call him.

Let's go.

Ask him if he wants to talk to us.

Okay.

The most intense teammate he's ever played with.

Sexually.

Yeah, you get it.

All right.

Sent?

Sent.

Do you just write that with no out of context?

You just sent that to him?

Well, we've been texting him for the past couple of days, so it's kind of an ongoing conversation.

We're buddies now.

We're pals?

Of course.

I sent him some R and H, some beer.

He drank it, loved it.

He sent me some salmon.

This is how friendships are forged.

Do you eat salmon?

I love salmon.

He says it's going to be the best salmon I've ever had in my entire life.

He caught it.

He caught it.

This is fish that he's caught.

His house is right on the stream, and he just catches salmon right now.

Where does he live?

Alaska.

Alaska.

Oh, he does live.

I was going to say, say, that's usually where you live.

The Final Frontier.

Yeah.

I wonder why he moved there.

That's where he was born from.

That's where he grew up.

That's where he grew up.

Oh.

Gomez.

Yeah.

I think he was one of the first Alaskan player to ever make it to the NHL.

He was a great, great player, man.

He was fun, fast as fuck.

He was so great sense of humor in the interviews.

Oh, he did one interview where

he's wearing an autism hat.

You would love him, dude.

And the guy in the interview is like, well, I see you wearing a hat for autism where it is.

And he goes, yeah, he goes, you should probably be wearing one too, but you're not.

But that's cool, I guess.

Like, you can just do shit like that to people.

He was really funny.

Scotty's house is witty.

He's really funny.

Very witty.

I went out to Vegas last week.

Yeah.

It's not the Vegas that you remember and love.

No, I heard crimes like through the roof on the strip, right?

I didn't see any of that.

We only went to the strip once.

It was me, Mary Beth, and Sage, and Mary Beth's parents have a house out there.

So my plan was, I was like, well, we'll fly there.

We'll get off the plane.

We'll drive to Grand Canyon, check it out,

and we'll come on back and we'll do some stuff in Vegas.

So we got in late, and the trip was twice as far as I thought it was to the Grand Canyon.

I thought it was two hours, but it's actually four hours.

That sucks.

Oh, yeah.

So I was like, well, it's fucking 3 o'clock now.

There's no way we're going to get there in time to look at it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How long do you think it was going to take to get there?

I thought it was two hours.

So you want to get there at 5 o'clock in the afternoon?

No, by the time we got in, I thought that it would have been sooner.

What time do you think you were going to arrive there?

I thought we were going to get there around like four.

Leaving at three from Las Vegas?

No, no, no.

That's

no, leaving at one.

Because

we were late

getting to the car, please, and all that other shit.

I did not know.

I didn't plan that poorly.

I just googled it, and that's what it said.

Anyway, I didn't go to the goddamn Great Camp.

So, we're like, all right, well, it has to be somewhat educational for Sage.

We're going to be here a couple days.

The next day, like all she cares about, though, is going to pools.

Like, that's literally all she cares about.

So first day she goes to the pool.

The next day she goes to the pool.

Then the next day I'm like, look, we've got to do something educational.

We'll go bring her to the Hoover Dam.

I know she doesn't give a fuck, but for me,

it'll just make me feel better if we do something.

Can I ask a question?

Now, let's say you get to the Hoover Dam.

Right.

And you're like, you keep saying, I've got to do something educational.

Does your

thinking like, okay, we're here.

She saw a dam.

that's educational enough, or do you do something else to make it more educational?

I mean, I can't imagine that you're like, now like, doing something more than just being like, well, there it is.

All right, let's go.

In National Law and Poons Vacation, where's the guy there?

He watches a free time.

Let's go.

I mean, you keep, you said it.

I just think she would be amazed at it because it is like visually and just sounds like it.

No, it's

crazy.

You've kept using the word educational.

Right.

And that leads people to think that there's going to be more to it than just watching it and looking at it.

Okay.

That's your entire lesson.

You should just say, I want to show her something awe-inspiring.

Unusual, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Educational is painting you to be like some sort of like, you know, like you're

good father.

Like I cared.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

you're propping yourself up there with this word when all you're really doing is driving by something and be, oh look at that

not only kevin texted me too i was like i'm interviewing bartan brodor this week oh wow yeah and then and then he says oh yeah q got to interview scott gomez i heard kevin said that yeah and then on my internet and then on my phone i'm like wow two guys who don't know shit and don't give a fuck

well i mean other than when you were forced to wikipedia god forbid if your internet went out and you had to fucking make that and you had to fucking get make that interview happen.

This is an outrageous fucking thing.

You know, I've watched Devils my entire life.

When's the last game you really watched from beginning to end?

Well, I mean, when was the last game you really watched from beginning to end?

Oh, probably in March when it was shut down.

Yeah, there you go.

That was

okay.

Well, what was the last game, the last game before the shutdown?

What happened?

It was a big

fight.

Yeah, dude.

Don't fight no more.

Not me.

Elbow thrown.

That's what I'm just saying.

It's a very, very

tough pill to swallow.

Maybe it's this attitude that you carry around with you that prevents you from getting these sort of interviews.

How do the devils know that I'm an asshole?

How would the devils know that I'm an asshole?

We're on episode 800 of the show.

Now, how much homework do you do for this?

Is it like if I know nothing,

I know

joking aside, like I know Scotty Gomez.

I watched him play and everything like that.

Not like you have.

Right.

Okay.

All right.

I like to have the hydrogen radio.

At least you'll admit it.

But I'm aware of who he is.

I've seen him play, you know, and I always liked him.

So I didn't have to do that much.

Really, what I did is I watched, just to get a sense of him, I watched interviews with him on YouTube.

What do you call him?

Scotty.

Yeah.

Not Gomer yet?

No, not yet.

We haven't gotten to that yet.

That was his nickname on the ice.

Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't presume to just start.

Call him Gomer.

Yeah.

Take a little while.

Yeah, I'll work on that.

I think even Scotty is

familiar, right?

Well, his name is Scotty's House.

Oh, it's Scotty's House?

Yeah, so I just went with that.

So what about when you got to the dam?

What happened then?

We never made it to the dam.

The dam was closed.

It was a dark fucking week for education.

Well,

the last day was my final attempt

at some education.

Mandalay Bay has this aquarium and has sharks in it, like a big shark tank and

all these other fish.

So, we're like, okay, we'll go there.

No, you can't deny that's educational.

And it was until halfway through the tour, the power went out, never came back on.

And like, they had to come and get us.

And they're like, yeah, we can't finish this tour.

So you're going to have to

get your money back.

And the next day we left

all the way there.

And I'm like, why did we do this?

But I don't understand why they would have to kick you out of an aquarium with no power because they must have backup generators or else the fish are going to die.

You would think so, but it got dark real fast and they were like, get out.

How many fish fucking perished then, you think, if they didn't get those lights didn't come back on?

Maybe they just have it for the tanks.

I don't know.

It doesn't make any sense because other parts of the casino were lit up.

And this is a, I mean, you've been to Mandalay Bay.

This is a ghost town.

Yeah.

Strip ghostly.

That's the part I want to see.

We went to we were down by Fremont Street.

Just, yeah, just not the same.

Yeah.

Went to the Mob Museum, too.

That was pretty cool.

Did Sage go?

No, she didn't go to that.

That could have been the only education she got.

Fucking on the trip.

This is Tony Soprano.

I'm going to prick your finger.

Tony Soprano, he had an outfit there, and so did Nucky Thompson from Boardwalk Empire.

But it kind of seemed to stop.

Like all of the stuff kind of seemed to stop in the,

like in the 50s.

There was almost no, there was no 70s or 80s stuff, really, as far as as mob shit.

Yeah, no, like that's the stuff I'm really interested in.

So, Mob Museum, while cool,

was mostly about Vegas mob stuff as opposed to like Whitey Bulger.

I think, yeah, there was some Whitey Bulger in there.

Yeah.

Who's the one that did the one with the Ned Beatty?

Not Ned Beatty, Warren Beatty.

Oh, Bugsy.

Yeah, that was a

boring-ass movie.

Yeah.

Too romantic.

Esta.

I love Esta.

Is there a Warren Beatty movie that you guys like?

Shampoo.

Shampoo.

Oh, yeah.

Heaven Kinwait.

Heaven Kinwait.

Dick Tracy.

Dick Tracy.

Bonnie and Clyde.

How many words?

You want us to name?

I'm asking you a question.

I'm just can't think of answers.

You don't like any of those?

No, no, no.

I don't know Warren Beatty really, but as you said all of those, I was like, oh, I've seen them all and they're good.

So, yeah.

I'm going out to see Eric in a few weeks, too.

I'm going to fly out to L.A., so I'm wondering, will I get caught up in fires and riots and all kinds of shit out there, right?

How's he doing?

Better?

Seems so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

From what I talked to him, I mean,

it seems like he's doing okay.

He took a

Instagram.

He's taking pictures from his Beach French chalet.

Oh, he's on Instagram?

Yeah, yeah.

I want to follow Eric.

Are you allowed to say it out loud, Danny?

Yeah, people can follow him.

Let me see.

What he wants, everybody following him?

I don't know.

If not, he doesn't have to accept him, right?

And then you'll know he's a real dickhead.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's see.

We'll give it out on here.

E-R.

Did Jeff leave?

Yes.

I didn't hear him leave.

It's

E-R-I-K.

J-O.

Actually, it's Eric Johnson, all one word, except leave off the last N.

So it's Eric Johnson.

All right.

With a K.

Yeah, with a K.

That's very important.

Those fucking...

Pam and Edgar were very fucking high-falutin' with their fucking misspellings of the names.

Pry with a Y.

Oh, yeah.

Eric with a K.

They're like, look, we're going to separate ourselves from Riff Raph.

You'll get to see a 2013 picture of me that I don't really recall.

I don't know where that was.

So, yeah, we'll see.

I'll give a full report.

I'll probably do some podcast or two with him after that.

Oh, that'll be good.

People love Eric Johnson, man.

Dude, they love Dr.

Judge.

He's got a great sense of humor.

So you said you wanted to talk to Gidham about something.

You had a question or something?

Yeah, I saw a news article.

And I wanted to get a 148 IQ

to weigh in on something that really

seems to be bamboozling people.

There's this safe.

700-ton safe, is it, Giddam?

700 pounds.

700-pound safe that somebody inherited when they bought a house.

And they can't get it out of the house.

So now

they went online and now

they're accepting people

who can come in and be like, I can remove the safe for you, or I can at least open it for you.

And if you open the safe, you get to keep what's inside.

And the person who owned the house previously owned a jewelry store.

Oh.

And I wanted to know, like, so many people have tried, they can't get it open.

What would be the get them approach?

Would we go non-destructive or destructive?

You tell me.

It doesn't matter, right?

You tell me.

Well, it does.

Some people want to

keep the integrity of the safe, so they'll go with.

He doesn't want the safe.

He wants it out of his house.

Nobody can even get it out of the house.

Yeah, they said because I think it was the

stairwells and the way the doors are constructed.

Like, it must have been the safe, must have been put in first, and then they renovated the house afterwards.

So they'd have to destroy part of the house to get it out.

And you can't destroy the house.

I guess he doesn't want to.

No, he wouldn't.

So

I thought all three of you guys would come.

Well, how would you approach it?

You had to get the safe out.

What would be your first,

not knowing anything?

I would be like, what does the area look like so I can figure it the fuck out?

Yeah, my first safe.

Would you put it on like a pulley system or put some like.

Well, so it's not bolted to the ground or anything?

No.

Why can't they lift 700 pounds?

You just throw it out the window.

I mean, a safe that's that heavy is probably pretty big, so it's probably a matter of.

Well, I'm looking at it right now.

It looks like an old-school TV, like the ones with the rear projection.

It's huge.

I have that same safe.

Do you?

Yeah, mine's green, though.

So how'd you get it in?

I'll get it in and out.

Mine's on wheels.

This does not appear to be a bit of a damage.

And I had a

wide basement doorway.

Can't they jack it up and put wheels underneath it?

Yeah, like one of those furniture moves.

Like a little dolly.

But wait, hold on.

Can I see that again, General?

Because that's an interior safe.

What you're talking about there.

See?

Like, this is mine's the same thing.

They got the outer door, there was a door there.

So now there's an interior.

Some of these old-type safes made in the 20s to the 50s had an interior safe inside.

So that's what they can't open.

So, what you would do is they would have a slot to like you could do like deposits in the outer safe, but then the inner safe, you needed a manager or somebody to know the combination.

Now, why do you think he's willing to give away the interiors, not knowing what's inside?

What if like there's there's millions of dollars inside?

I would highly doubt that someone would leave millions of dollars in the safe.

Then you leave thousands of dollars out

under your couch?

In a burnable.

So, why do you doubt highly?

I guess somebody would put money in a fucking place that should go.

I don't think I'm a proof fucking safe.

I don't think it's millions.

And furthering that, why are we now asking him how to get the safe out?

Well, see,

but there's a problem with drilling because some of these old safes have they would put these special devices on the inside that if you attempted to drill them or brute force them, they would release this gas gas, yeah, gas, noxious gas, yes,

but it's actually

not true.

He's a fucking maniac.

Who did that?

I believe the Joker did.

Yeah,

laughing gas when Batman tried to get in his safe.

I can't believe Q doesn't have a system where it would propel gas into the person's face.

Is that really true?

Yes.

Because

I'm on a subreddit called What's In This Thing, and it was originally founded about a...

This guy had a safe in his house, and he wanted it opened.

He didn't know what was inside.

And Reddit got obsessed with it, so they created their own subreddit for it.

And people who have safes post to this subreddit now trying to get safes open.

How?

But the problem is, is that the

whatever the chemical was has been broken down over all these years and it's actually even more dangerous now than more noxious.

Yes.

Hear that kid?

What?

That is a true thing.

That is that actually.

He found evidence of it?

I'm trying to find the

now why now have we been fed a bunch of lies by Hollywood about how easy it is to like crack a safe

I've seen episodes of Myth Lushers, yes.

It's not easy.

Don't put the stereoscope to the fucking safety.

The stethoscope can help.

It can help.

Some people feel it by touch.

Some people do it by ear.

But you have to know what you're dealing with to know what the sounds associated with it are.

So what about, wouldn't they just get the best safe cracker in the world to come in and do it just for the PR?

It takes a lot of time.

It's not as quick and easy as

Hollywood.

Getting in Hollywood makes it out to be.

No Ocean's 11, it's easy as hell.

Like a lot of safes are, a lot of safes are rated on how long it's going to take someone to break into them with brute force.

And if you have access to it, yeah, you can just go out with grinders and stuff.

All right.

So

what would you do then?

Well,

they make devices that you can latch onto the safe and you can have it auto-dial.

A magnetic device?

No, it's like, it probably does attach to magnets, but it'll go and actually spin the tumblers

and go through all the possible combinations.

But depending on the safes, they don't actually have every combination available.

They'll only use like every other number as a possible combination.

So it actually cuts you down.

It'll cut it down by a lot.

And if you know one number, that even cuts it down even further.

Doesn't he sound like an expert?

He's good at it, right?

Q is fucking.

He's getting schooled on the devils, on safes.

He hasn't said anything so far.

I don't know.

I guess the mask is covering my mouth, so you can't see that it's not a gape.

No, it's a gape.

I can see it.

Pleasant speaking.

Shin's fucking on your on your lap, it looks like.

Because what did he say?

What would your approach be, the 148 approach?

Again, without knowing if there's a protective device inside.

Right.

Okay, let's assume there's no noxious gape.

And by the looks of it, it's a circular door safe.

So that means that the bolts will go out in various directions.

Don't just cut down two sides and you're out.

So it's going to be a little tougher to get to, plus with that curve.

What about

a torch?

Like a propane torch?

The problem with torches is as soon as as it gets towards the center, the interior, it starts transferring heat.

Okay.

Well, basically all thermodynamics heat flows towards cold.

So it'll actually start heating up the stuff inside.

And that's what a fire safe is designed to stop is that

the insides from heating up.

So once you start...

The guy doesn't care what's on the inside.

This is all just fine.

How the fuck are you going to get it out of the house?

Because if it's a million dollars inside, you're going to start burning the money.

Well, he doesn't care.

He said the person that gets it open or gets it out gets to keep what's in there.

And I guess.

I don't know, yeah, but I guess you have to get it open when you get it out of his house because if you open it up in his house, you still haven't solved the problem of getting it out.

You want to know how I'm going to do it?

Yeah, I want to hear this.

Looking at the picture?

Yeah.

Okay, what I do is I get a cutting torch because you notice that big first door is open.

So you just fucking cut the safe off around that center one.

Get the top off, get the bottom off, because you can because you're not transferring heat because it's not.

going on the interior.

Did you know about the transfer of heat problem?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Come on.

I didn't know about it.

I didn't know.

There was actually.

You cut off the top, you cut off the bottom, and then you could eventually just carry that fucking thing out and the pieces.

How much weight will that take off like cutting the top and bottom off your field?

Well, it's not a weight issue of the safe.

What it is, it's an issue of

maneuverability.

Right?

Because I can't get it out of the source.

You wouldn't go with a grinder just to cut down on the fumes and everything?

Sure, you could grind the metal instead of cutting it, I guess.

That's fine.

If we're going to do this, we're going to.

Well, knowing what I know now about what smoke does to the interior of homes.

Yeah, but you get a lot of dust with the grinder, though.

I'm guessing you could probably set up a shop back then, too.

Well, you could probably also do something like that with the heat, and the heat would probably go much faster, too.

Where is this safe located with?

Boston.

Boston.

Now, couldn't you just take out the window, like remove a window, and then throw the safe outside the window and just have it hit the ground?

Well, I would guess it'd be like a Warner Brothers cartoon.

You could.

It's

mechanically assaulted.

That's a lot of safes are,

you can do that.

You can just.

That's how a lot of safes are removed?

No, I'm saying is you can break open smaller safes by that.

You just go at them with sledgehammers till they, you know, get so out of whack the doors just pop.

No, no, I mean, just to get it out of the house, though, couldn't you get it like some sort of pulley or wench system to get it in the air, remove a window, and then push it out the window and have it hit, make sure there's nothing on the ground underneath it, obviously, and then let it hit the ground and it's out of the house at least.

And then you worry about opening the door, then, right?

I found that article.

I'm sorry, you were saying

I cracked it already.

No.

I would say probably the easiest would be maybe to take out a window and the surrounding area.

That's what I said.

So you stole my idea.

No, I'm agreeing with you.

Mary Beth's parents have a safe on their property.

It was there when they bought it in 94, and they never had it opened.

That's crazy.

It's like in a barn or something.

I was like, how the fuck?

It's been over 20 years.

I'm like, how the fuck can you not?

Why don't you offer me, hey, if I get that safe open, can me and Mary Beth keep what's inside?

I bet you they say you're inside.

Yeah, some kind of a filter-type gas.

Yeah, like next time,

next time we go out there, I'll offer that.

I'll bring my stethoscope and shit and crack that.

I've only cracked one safe.

You've cracked the safe before.

But

it was already open.

It was more of a bike lock.

It was already open, but no one knew the combination.

So I had to take the thing apart and manually figure it out from the dials what the combination was.

But we have it up.

It took me about a half hour.

That's it?

Yeah.

But again, it was easy because

the door was

the combination was the combination was not there, but I also, but I did pick the, there's actually a physical,

there's a physical lock on it.

I did pick that.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

All right.

Thank you, Ghetto.

Thanks, Ghetto.

Yeah, that's what we'll do.

I'll do a.

And then you could be like Al Capone's vault.

We'll call it Brian Johnson's Vault.

Oh, yeah.

And then we'll film what's inside of it once you get somebody in there to open it up.

What's Geraldo doing?

Yeah,

that was something, the Al Capone's vault thing.

Like, I don't think they would do that anymore, right?

Oh, yeah, they would.

Would they?

Oh, yeah.

With the way with content the way it is today.

So, if you don't know about Geraldo Rivera, back in the late 80s, right?

Yeah.

He stumbled.

Well, they came across what they thought was Al Capone's vault, and they did this whole.

Was it live?

I think it was live.

It was live.

I remember watching it.

Yeah, it was live, and they went into this vault to try to see what Al Capone would have have had in there, and it was nothing, right?

Bottles.

Yeah, just old bottles and shit, which to me is a treasure.

And get them.

Bottle dumped.

I feel like it would be the same, but hey, who knows?

And then if somebody's like, hey, you can keep whatever's in there.

Is it different if it's like, holy shit, it's like

gold certificates that are worth in excess of $2 million or something?

And it's your wife's family, and you're like, ha ha ha,

you shouldn't have let me have it.

Like, yo, you're not going to be like, hey, man,

I'm not going to hold you to that agreement.

I'll split it with you.

Yeah, I'd want some.

Yeah, I'd go Habsies.

I bet you if we did it for Patreon, like for the opening of the Marybeth Vault,

I would watch.

I would want to know what that was.

People would love to.

That would be fucking intriguing, man.

You want a safe cracker out there?

Or if he doesn't care, if you destroy it,

you can just destroy it to get it open.

Yeah, I mean, if it's been there that long, I doubt he cares.

You don't want to destroy the interiors.

No.

No, whatever's in there.

You got to be careful too.

There might be acid in there.

Now, this is a doctor's home, right?

Yeah.

So this must be a nice home that has a safe in it, right?

You would be.

I'm going to set him up to be robbed.

Well, you're not giving his address out.

No,

I don't know if they have a safe.

The house is kind of modest.

I would say it's like...

But you said there's a safe in the barn, though.

Yeah, it was just when they moved in, it was out there.

So

they don't know whose it is.

What if there's a body in there?

Oh, that'd be amazing.

I'll fold it up and shit.

Like, yeah, like her grandfather was a murderer.

Oh, my God.

That would be awesome.

What if it's a fucking, what if it's one of his patients?

Yeah.

Well, I guess you wouldn't have said you could have what's happening in there.

What's even more awesome is

this episode.

And even more awesome than that is that it's being brought to you by Magic Spoon Q.

What's Magic Spoon?

Magic Spoon is a cereal.

Oh, that's the cereal we had.

That was good.

It's really good.

Yeah, I liked it.

Mary Beth's aunt said that it saved her life.

And this is independent of, like, Mary Betheth, she didn't know that when

she was telling Mary Beth this, that we did magic spoon spots.

But she had diabetes, and then she heard of this cereal and she started eating it.

And it's like, she's a big cereal eater, so it's sort of.

Did it save her life?

I don't know.

I don't know if we can attribute those kind of magical properties.

She's saying it, though.

Who we'd argue with her?

Hey, it's her life.

Down with the Patriarchy.

For this commercial's sake, yeah, let's go with it.

Okay.

It's a miracle cure for diabetes.

And maybe all cancers.

It could be.

We're not here to say it is, but we're not here to say it isn't.

Does her aunt have cancer?

No.

Well, I mean, the evidence is speaking for itself.

So far.

Yeah.

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And there's four flavors: cocoa, fruity, frosted, and blueberry.

I'm a fruity guy.

Oh, man.

So that's going to be a cool.

That's going to be a clip this week.

And this is for all you

for all you particular types.

It's keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb, and GMO-free.

Oh, boy.

There's none of that stuff in it.

I like it, yeah, because it's not as sugary.

The cereals I like are not the cereals that are good for you.

Yeah.

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All right, all right, all right.

Can I follow you up with a back-to-back ad that you don't even know about, or do you want to call your

this is a rogue ad.

Rogue ad,

I don't think you're going to be upset, though.

No,

it's an ad for a dear,

dear friend of the podcast.

So we're not making any money off it.

No, no,

you guys are not going to make a dime off this, but you are going to have an unbelievable amount of karma karma because

Jay Sarge has released an album on Bandcamp.

Whoa, all right.

Here's something I can get behind, right?

I like how he's dismissed as a listener rather than an integral part of the music every single week.

I said listener?

Oh, no, yeah.

I didn't mean listener.

He's a guy who's provided so much to the Tom Steve Dave podcast, including the theme song, which I maintain is the greatest theme song in podcast history.

I agree with you.

I agree too.

I remember early on somebody emailing and saying, like, hey, man, that's a shit theme.

Like, I'll write you a good one.

And I wrote back, I was like, I love it.

And I can't imagine the podcast without it.

Right.

I can't imagine it opening up without that song.

I agree.

Tell me a better podcast theme.

Let me hear one because I don't think it exists.

I haven't heard it.

But Jay Sarge emailed me and he didn't want an ad.

He wasn't looking for an ad.

And I told him, I was like, I am so moved.

By what you wrote about this album.

Please let me spread the word.

And he said, no, that's not why I sent you this email.

I just want you to listen to it.

And I was like, Well, I want to spread the word.

So he wrote to me, he's telling me that he put this album out

because of COVID.

Kind of made him like, you know, inspired him to make this

album

with no hopes or expectations of promotion or anything like that.

He says it's kind of weird, electronic funk-inspired, upbeat stuff with old Moog

and classic synth sounds and even a few 8-bit drum kits.

Oh, wow.

The whole reason I put these tracks out was I sort of want to put some good vibes into the world.

Isn't that what fucking thing?

If everybody did that, though, right now, just put good vibes out there?

Oh, that's not what we're doing.

Well, sometimes we do.

Sometimes we intentionally put bad vibes out there, don't

you?

Those are my favorite times.

But this one really, this was powerful stuff.

He had bared his soul to me like in this email.

Yeah.

He goes, cheating on my wife.

I'm not sure if I should tell her or kill her.

He goes, mostly I did this for me to see if I could put something out there that wasn't drenched in the cynicism that usually chokes me out before lunch.

Is he talking about us?

I don't know, but like that was so like concerning to me.

Yeah.

That like that's that's that's too strong of opinion.

You know what I mean?

We're too worked up.

Yeah,

I don't like to hear that

a guy who like Jay Sarge is like so

choked with cynicism that it chokes him out before lunch.

It's just sort of lighthearted.

All the tequila has any drinks.

It's well-intentioned and even goofy.

Too many caveats.

I don't think he should.

I think he should be like, hey, I'm putting this out into the world.

No, no.

Jay Sarge.

No, you need more than that to stand out in this world.

Do you?

You know how many motherfuckers are on Bandcamp right now?

Oh, yeah.

It's so hard to make someone notice you or even give you a shot.

But his album is called Thoughts Ungone, EP.

Hold on.

I want to write this down because I'm going to get it tonight.

I mean, we've already turned Courage My Love into an international super group.

We should make it our mission to turn J Sarge into

at least a national fucking superstar.

I got at least a regional show.

I got a radio show.

That's right.

I'll play this tomorrow.

I got to record it tomorrow.

Can you play it on a 24-hour loop just over and over?

No,

they give me two hours, and I don't know if they're going to like that,

but I could definitely do a very warm introduction for it.

What's it called?

Let's take a picture of your screen.

That's what it's called.

Thoughts

on God.

I think.

Thoughts on Gong.

How responsible are we if it turns out that after discovering some backward masking, there's a lot of racist rhetoric in this album?

Oh my God, that would not be good for us.

You know what I like too about what Jay Sarge has done?

Jay Sarge, I want to give you props.

I love that you didn't call it by Jay Sarge.

His new, I guess, handle in the music industry is remedial M-theory.

That sounds badass.

That sounds like somebody like Jay Sarge kind of sounds like a little elf.

Right, but remedial sounds like you're in special needs.

Remedial is...

that's what people like nowadays.

I am retardicus.

Listen to my good vibes.

Well, people don't like smart asses, they like people of the street, you know?

Really?

I like people just like them.

Joe Average?

Yeah.

But remedial M-theory.

I love that.

I thought that was like very hardcore.

Could you hit play and play a sample?

Yeah, let's do it.

But some of the track names, Q?

Yeah.

I always look more into the track names more than probably I should have with artists.

But

Backroad Road to Salina or Salina.

Okay.

Nothing in the dark.

Rise at dawn.

All right.

And of course, the title track, Thoughts Ungone.

So let's hear what we got here.

I dig it.

Yeah, right?

It's got a lot of Nintendo vibe.

Yeah.

Like Zelda.

Ah.

There's going to be

a certain age group that is going to love this shit.

Like anytime something comes on that sounds like that old Nintendo shit, it just gets all wet.

It's like, oh my god, what is that?

You're playing?

I'm like, I don't know.

It's on some video.

What's that shit people do at Raves?

That's what I feel like doing right now.

Ecstasy.

Oh,

like John City doing some modern.

Japanese and shit, I feel like doing right now, Jay Sarge.

It's like musical E.

Wall's dancing around with a pacifier in his mouth right now.

He's going to get naked right now.

Well, like nowadays.

I am retardicus.

Listen to my good vibes.

Well, people don't like smartasses.

They like people of the street, you know?

But go to band camp,

pick up Thoughts Ungone by Remedial M-theory.

Not by Jay Sarge.

How much is it?

I don't know how much it is.

Is it free?

He gave it to me for free.

He gave me a free download.

$99.99.

I don't think everybody else out there is going to get it for free.

Nor should they.

Just dropped, though, September 22nd, 2020.

Just dropped.

There's no price there.

But yeah, check it out, man.

I mean, it's already got me feeling good.

And

I hope that you guys dig it and leave him some reviews, too.

The artist loves reviews.

Do they?

Well, if they're not.

Rebuff the Reddit.

Well, I mean, a musician wants to hear, you know,

I would, if I was a musician, I'd want to hear what people think about it.

I wouldn't want to just put out music and not hear the thoughts and what people think about it.

I think you did.

Listen,

I've

actually have to thank the ants.

I think that he's gonna see great success from what you from you leading people there because we're selling those Cat Toberfest beer that we made with RH, the glasses.

It fucking sold out in like a day.

I thought it would take like months to do it.

And you could put messages in the thing, and so many people are writing Tell him Steve Dave.

Oh, really?

That's awesome.

Yeah, so I wanted to, I mean, I was really actually, it was happening so much that the people that worked for me over there were like, we just got to let you know that we don't know what Tell him Steve Dave means.

What does it mean?

And I was like, oh, this is what it is.

So a lot of the the ants did it.

So, guys, thank you.

Thank you so much.

That support was really touching.

I respect Jay Sarch for not wanting us to

not stand on the

make it a Telm Steve Dave thing.

Yeah.

So, but if you're interested in

some really good vibes, uplifting.

Check out

what's it calling it?

Thoughts on Gone.

Thoughts on Gone, man.

I love the cover art, too.

You know, it's very edgy.

Yeah, I stole that from Scorpion's Virgin Killer.

It's very

hipster.

I don't want to say hipster.

He's not a hipster.

I don't know what I, but it's.

I don't know what to say to not offend Jason.

But I like it.

It's kind of cosmic, though.

It's got a spaceship.

Spiraling.

It's got a black and white cookie.

You don't think that's a planet?

Oh, you don't.

No, it looks like a black and white cookie.

Have you ever seen a black and white cookie?

Oh, I thought it was like the spaceship flying past the celestial body.

You know what?

You're probably right.

That's probably not a cookie.

Yeah, I saw some carve out there, too.

You're right.

I don't know why I thought it was a spaceship there.

I probably should have realized that was

not a cookie, but a planet.

Maybe it was a spaceship-shaped cookie.

There we go.

All right.

So we got

a guest coming in, huh?

Now, yeah.

It's going.

Steve.

Hey.

Hey, Brian.

How are you doing, buddy?

Hey, bud, it's you.

What's going on, handsome?

What's up, guys?

It was so refreshing to see my caller ID say New Jersey, which never happens.

So I was really excited to see New Jersey on my phone.

You still in Florida?

Did you come up to New York?

I heard a rumor you were going to be in New York.

I was supposed to be, and then I was told to wait because I may be doing press there.

And now I don't think I'm doing

press.

All right.

so I'm going to wait a little bit to

get out there, but I definitely want to get out there to just kind of, you know, with all this time down, it's like I might as well just get on a plane and go see some friends.

Hell yeah.

As long as you guys.

How are you guys doing?

We're on the bottom.

We're definitely going to mess.

That's right.

Yeah.

Walt's here.

Walt Fleming.

I don't think you know him, but we're going to.

You know, Walt,

I've never gotten a good vibe from Walt, so I prefer him not to be there.

But it's fine if he's there.

We'll vibe if he's there.

Let's do it.

Walt, see, see there's the attitude that's why no then that's exactly why walt comes in aggressive walt lose the fucking attitude man i'm a guest shit

um

did you hear walt

i haven't heard him speak yet wait go ahead and say something steve oh i hear him i hear him okay got him hi walt hello steve let me say hi how are you good

i enjoyed that anyway uh walt walt actually has a problem with you too uh because we we noticed that you were born in freehold yet you support the Pittsburgh Penguins.

How are you not a Devils guy?

Walt wants to know.

I was a Devils fan.

I was Kirk Mueller, Circa Kirk Muller,

John McLean, Glenn Chico Resh,

John Sorella on D.

Yeah,

I did really enjoy the Devils when I was a younger kid, but I moved to Pittsburgh, I believe, in 84 or yeah, 84.

And look, how can you not instantly, you know, ditch the old girlfriend and go, oh, Mario Lemieux?

Yeah, I'm in for this.

How old were you when you were an upgrade with?

I think it was nine or 10, somewhere in there.

Yeah, that's what I told Ryan.

I was like, how can I get on a guy when he moved as a child?

You know?

Yeah, this was not like I just, you know, in my 20s, I flipped on the Devils.

The Devils were only 82 anyway, right?

They started in 82.

Yeah, they moved from Colorado to the

so he would have only been with them two years.

Yeah.

But you're a dyed-in-the-wool Penguins fan, right?

Oh, God, yeah, yeah.

I mean,

the first sweater I ever got was the Christmas sweater, the Devils one.

And I still think to this day, I just have a deep affection for that jersey.

But

I absolutely love the Penguins.

I mean, you look at what they've done in terms of the draft with Lemieux, then you get Yager.

And then you get Crosby and Malkin and Flurry.

It just like the hits just keep coming.

I mean, there were certainly the dark days, but to have like two

iconic Hall of Famers within 10 years of each other, and knowing that Lemieux and Crosby played the same line his rookie year, it's still like people forget that.

It's weird to see Lemieux pass the torch to him that way.

We had a conversation a little earlier before we jumped on with you about Brian Quinn.

Yeah,

he's this guy.

He's on this show.

Anyway,

he interviewed Scott Gomez.

Oh, nice.

And Walt feels that it was an honor that should not have been bestowed on Q because Q doesn't know that much about hockey.

But I mean, I watch hockey.

I enjoy hockey, but not enough.

Not enough for Walt.

Look,

it's definitely the best sport to see live.

That's what everybody says, right?

And once you've played it, even I think just once, you have a deep respect for it with all the padding, how fast it is, and knowing that the fourth line guy usually, you know, traditionally the stereotype was that they're the bruisers, but they actually are still better than anybody that's the best in their beer league.

Just the talent in the NHL.

And plus, I think hockey players by nature are the most laid-back and kind of cool to hang with.

Have you ever hung with any hockey players?

Well, I don't like the way you said that, but I'll answer the question.

Well, you said like they're the best to hang out with, though.

I mean, you could only make that statement if you have hung with somebody, right?

Well, when I was in Chicago, I lived in Chicago for a little bit.

A blip on the radar.

Became a Blackhawks fan, apparently, right?

When you lived there?

Won the cup.

And Dave Bolin.

Dave Boland is a great friend of mine, and we went out quite a few nights.

One of my favorite Dave Boland stories is I think it's such a great tradition in hockey that each player gets the Stanley Cup for a day.

And all the other trophies, I think, look like sales trophies.

The Stanley Cup looks like an actual trophy you would win in a sport.

Like the football one, it looks like somebody would get that at Merrill Lynch for selling the most homes in January.

Like the cup looks glorious.

And the fact that you get to take this around your hometown or wherever you live, and Dave took it out in Chicago, and the president of the Rocky Warts of the Blackhawks called Dave personally and said, look, you're the only Blackhawk that still lives here this summer.

Whatever you do, whatever you do, Dave, do not take that cup to Wrigley Field.

Flash forward, like,

you know, it's like Ferris Mueller's Day off.

Rocky's watching the Cubs game, and Dave technically didn't take it to Wrigley.

He was on one of the rooftop bars across the street, and he was holding up the cup, and all of Wrigley stopped and watched Dave.

And then people left the stadium,

Wrigley Field, and went over to this thing.

And Dave had to call for police escort out of of Wrigleyville because he caused such chaos and mayhem.

And he actually, he actually almost

lost the cup because he lives in a brownstone in Chicago next to another brownstone.

And him and I believe Ben Eager were on the roof holding the cup, just chugging beer or whatever.

And Dave, you know, did a primal scream and dropped it.

And the cup got wedged between his brownstone and the other brownstone.

So they had to like wedge it out and get the scuffs off and everything.

But

I've always thought there's such a great movie to be made about that.

And I heard Melissa McCarthy was thinking of doing a film, and I was so excited to see it.

But I don't think it ever made its way to getting made.

Are you guys Devils fans then, hardcore?

One of us is.

Walt is.

I got it.

I got it.

QC.

How is that for you to have...

like literally one of the greatest goaltenders in the sport eight miles away from the the New York border, and never get the accolades that King Henry does.

But Brodor celebrates in a parking lot and had the Rangers one with King Henry, ticker-tape parade.

He'd been

that's the fucking key word there, Bob.

What's his name?

Steve.

Steve.

If that's it.

Willie used to have this argument.

When Brodor goes to bed at night, he's got the fucking.

Well, so does King Henry.

He has a fucking gold medal, but he doesn't have three fucking Stanley Cup rings, though.

So all those accolades are worthless.

The Devils did it.

The Devils had an amazing run, and I always thought it was just so pathetic that there's no, you couldn't take it to AC.

You couldn't take it to like Trenton.

They didn't care, man.

Bring it to the people right there who fucking were there in the arena.

Ho me.

Parking lot celebration is homey.

Okay, okay.

You know,

I don't want to go out on the fucking dangerous streets of fucking some inner city.

Keep me in the safety of a parking lot, bitch.

Talking to white bread fucking clear as if the devils were like, catch Martin Brodor and the devils.

Show off this family cup in Parsiphany this weekend.

Yeah,

I love the parking lot celebrations.

I went to two of them.

Yeah.

And I went with Brian.

Brian came up with me, and one of the greatest nights of my life was at the parking lot celebration.

We didn't need to be

in Heroes Canyon.

What's it called?

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

We kept it fucking nice and quiet and just intimate.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, who wants to be anointed with astronauts and

the Yankees and like veterans after D-Day?

It's like, fuck it.

Let's go where Ricky got a hand job in 88.

You guys watch that Action Park doc?

I did.

I watched it.

What did you think of that?

I thought it got a hair repetitive after a little while, but it was accurate as hell from what I remember going up there.

It's funny because growing up, I remember asking, because you saw those commercials all the time, like it was Carvell or Action Park.

And I remember asking my dad, can I go to Action Park?

And I remember it was one of the few times he was just adamant, like, hell no, hell no.

We'll go to Great Adventure, but we ain't going to Action Park.

And I never realized until I got older.

And then I saw the thing and I set the trailer.

My dad's like, that's why.

Yeah, that's why we didn't go.

Yeah, I don't think my parents knew the reputation that it had.

And it was correct.

I got hurt on two separate things while I was there.

The Alpine slide, I flew off and burned up my leg.

And they had this ATV thing where you could just take a four-wheeler.

And I was like 14 at the time.

And they're like, well, what's your license number?

And I just wrote down a a random number.

They're like, all right, here you go.

Immediately crashed into these reeds.

That was the tough thing about that doc, right?

If you've seen it, that it's hilarious to think that there's no engineers designing anything.

They're just throwing kids out there.

There's beer parties going on.

The kids that work there are drunk or high.

And it's all fucking hilarious until like they get to the deaths, right?

And that one family, you're just like, all right, now I feel bad watching this.

And, you know it was just kind of like it was a little bittersweet i guess right it was because you you think back to the to the 80s as sort of a more of a wild west atmosphere like i mean it couldn't be more different from today but that's not true there's there was that there was that child that got beheaded on the world's biggest fucking water slide remember yeah i think that was an isolated incident though whereas like action park was like they had their own ems squad there

but yeah but nobody was beheaded in action park were they no i don't think so but a lot of people got hurt and several people died.

Mostly drowning, right, if I remember correctly.

Walter, there's no difference between being beheaded or dead.

Like, they're both dead.

Yeah, but there's something more grisly and there's something more like in terms of urban legends.

Like,

you know, did you ever hear of a dry drowning?

I've never heard of that.

It sounds like something you'd get banked, but what is that?

No, it's like when you drink too much pool water or water, like you're out swimming and too much gets in your lungs lungs and you don't realize it and you go to sleep and you drown in your sleep.

It's the most boring kind of drowning ever.

There's no flailing.

There's no excitement.

The nearest water park to my house is just like five minutes away in Keensburg.

A kid from New York was on a school trip,

went to the water park that night had a dry drowning.

See, it's not just Action Park's fault.

It happens all over the place.

So, I mean,

it still happens to this day.

They're dangerous places.

Yeah.

No one should be going there.

Let's close that shit down, too.

I'm telling you, everybody, let's just fucking hang in the parking lot.

We don't need amusement park rides and all that bullshit.

Let's get some 40s.

So

we met in Vegas, right?

I believe you and I.

I believe we met in Vegas.

Yeah, we were at a joint event, and

it was...

Steve is instantly likable,

right?

He is one of the most charismatic people you can meet in person.

He's just, you'd like him immediately.

Right.

Immediately.

On TV, not so much, but in person, that's where I shine.

Yeah.

It begs the question, do you have any haters?

Because we have haters.

I don't know why, but you're

until you met Steve.

I don't know.

I mean, obviously, YouTube's a vicious place, right?

You post anything on YouTube, you'll see some

vile things.

I think if I get anything, it's it's the fact that I'm very comfortable talking about race.

And I've always had the create of Sammy Davis Jr., right?

The minute they stop making funny is the minute they stop caring about you.

And I just, I think growing up on East Coast, you know, blue-collar city like Pittsburgh and started stand-up in New York City, I've always felt comfortable talking about race.

And these days, it's not something that's, I guess, socially acceptable, but I feel very comfortable doing it.

And I like kind of pushing the envelope.

And I do get some blowback from that for sure.

But I think that if people understood,

you know, my general theme of just making fun of everybody under the banner of a flag,

I would hope that they could understand that.

But when you see isolated jokes, they just take it one way and go, oh, well, fuck it.

He's misogynist, or he hates black people, or he hates Asians.

And I'm like, okay, sure, whatever.

But I think that's probably the only flack I get is kind of online, maybe.

Has it started making you nervous for the state of comedy or do you think that like you'll you'll always be able to

prosper and flourish

regardless of the climate?

Because a lot of people, man, I mean, there's some comics who just cannot say shit anymore.

Like their whole act was politically incorrect.

Yeah,

I think that's...

You know, when you see that 70% of the country disagrees with cancel culture, I think that the coastal elites will deem certain things to be,

you know, acceptable or not acceptable.

But I think the minute you go outside of New York, LA, and San Fran and crunch in the middle of the country, I think most people just don't give a fuck.

They just want to pay their bills and take their kids and wife out on the weekend or vice versa.

And they just want to relax and be able to pay the bills and keep the lights on.

I think all the identity politics is something you'll see on the coasts that I just don't think most people give a fuck about.

That's just my own two cents, given what I've seen out on the road and my own personal opinions.

What do you guys think?

I mean, from the shit that I've seen, like, it almost appears as if certain people go to a comedy club to be offended so that they can then turn around and yell at whoever is on stage for, like you said, being misogynistic or racist or homophobic or a number of things.

I don't know.

Well,

you're more of a,

I would say you're more on the conservative edge as far as like, do you think it'll bounce back comedy in its form?

Like, I listen to Jimmy Norton all the time, and

he has such a great point where he's like, okay, I tell a joke that is offensive.

How is that different than a movie where somebody's like, you know, Mississippi Burning, you know, and somebody's playing this hardcore racist.

He's like, what is that?

Why was that movie made, though?

What does it matter, though?

I mean,

obviously Mississippi Mississippi Burning as an example, but I mean, it could be something, you know, very recently.

You know, where somebody does

see Soldier.

I think it does factor in, though.

Like, I think there's some comedy movies that were made in the past that just would not be made today because of the climate.

Yeah, I mean, you know, your

Blazing Saddles, your Bad News Bears, all that shit.

But that's the kind of thing where it's like, no, I don't see that ever coming back.

But pre-like, you know, a couple of years ago, pre-Harvey, it seems like

you could tell jokes and you could be Legion of Skank Skank type humor.

You could be

here's a maybe

you know just a different opinion here.

But I think the fact that you don't have mainstream comedies being made anymore, right?

So I think we're all probably of the same generation where we

grew up watching Stripes and Ghostbusters and all those fun movies and Ivan Reitman and all those SNL characters branching off.

And then you get into like the rat pack years of Vince Vaughan and Will Farrell and Ben Stiller and Owen Wilton.

And then you had the hangover, right?

And the hangover was like the last iconic communal comedy I remember seeing.

And after that, I think the PC police just came down on things, and mainstream comedies are fucking gone.

They do not exist.

And so what I think is replacing those is Bill Burr and Tom Segura and Burt Kreischer and all these comedians that are saying whatever the fuck they want.

And I think that's the transference of

power in terms of the outlet of hearing those things or seeing those things that you used to visually in film.

Now you're hearing about them through the conduit of one individual, a stand-up comedian, as opposed to the wild days of just putting everything you want up on celluloid and it just doesn't exist anymore.

I think that's where people are getting their fix now is in the comedy clubs.

So I think stand-up potentially may have been bigger than at any point in our lives in the history of stand-up comedy because because the clubs were packed, people were touring, theaters, buses.

I've never seen so many comedians perform and have their own tour bus prior to COVID.

I'd never seen anything like that before.

So

I think that's for me my perspective.

I'd love to hear what you guys have to say on that.

I like the idea of a bunch of like-minded comedians being like, fuck it.

Like, just fuck it.

We're going to, like you said, we're going to say what we want to say.

Because the comedians that I like, like before COVID, I used to go to the cellar a lot and you know, see Bob Kelly and Jimmy and all these guys.

And the stuff they say is funny, but it's not overly offensive.

They're not, you know, it's it's depending on who you are.

You know, if somebody needs to joke about an abortion, it's like, oh my God, I had an abortion once, so therefore, you should not be able to joke about this.

Yeah, you look at somebody like Norton.

I mean, Norton is the most honest human being I've ever seen in comedy.

He takes deep-seated, like things that anybody else would be a secret to them, And he exhibits them publicly, nightly on the stage.

And the hardest thing to do is take the fact that you get blown by a tranny and thread the needle and make it fucking hilarious.

And he does such a great job at that with the honesty and the humor and threads it.

And somebody like Norton, who works there nightly, Keith Robinson, Bobby Kelly, et cetera.

You go down the line, a lot of the boss, Florentine, some of these guys, you could say, you could find a housewife from from Ohio that would come to the comedy cellar, dragged there by their husband, because they got to go to the cellar.

Because Louis was there all the time on the show, and they go, and the cellar's been sold out every night for the last seven to ten years.

And it is a beacon of insults.

It's a beacon of offense,

but nobody's offended.

And there's a reason people are going there because it's like this is the last vessel of free speech that exists in this world, in this country.

It is called a comedy club.

And the majority of America still appreciates and respects that again i think you just have these coastal elites that are jamming down our throats this new acceptable way that we should be addressing each other and it i just don't think it really exists i just don't think it's real yeah pushed by the media were you gonna say something walt no oh okay thought i was gonna say like like comedians there's no lack of people in the club saying whatever they want to say, right?

It's not like

they might not be getting...

I mean, because to me, me, it's like certain comedians, like, they're never going to take Chappelle down, right?

Like you said, Bill Birds, they're saying they, they tried, they're not going to take Bill Byrd down.

So it does seem like comedians have this bulletproof, some of them, but then other, like that kid that got hired to be on Senate Live and then just got fired like the next day, I guess you're just not big enough at that level to sort of be like, hey, man, I'm a comedian.

These are jokes.

Yeah, well, yeah, I agree with that.

I think SNL traditionally has been a launching pad, right, for so many careers.

Nobody knew who Will was beforehand, and nobody knew who Forte or Tina Fey were before.

They're not ready for primetime players, right?

That's the adage with them.

And they've kept that mantra the whole run.

So I agree with that.

I think that Shane Gillis got the short end of the stick on that.

And I'm Asian American.

I'm somebody that should be offended by that, but I'm not because.

I understand when you're on a podcast that you're saying things that traditionally you would not say in a real conversation.

I think he's a comedian.

He's under the prism of attempting humor.

And I appreciate and respect that as a comedian.

Whereas I think that there's a lot of people that don't have that professional perspective.

And they just hear chink, chink, chink, and they go, this is offensive.

This guy really means it.

I don't think anything Shane said that day was out of hate.

or

the feeling that his race is superior to anybody else's.

I think he was attempting to be funny.

That was my take on it.

And I really don't,

anytime somebody gets cast on SNL, there is people at these websites that will go through their Twitter feed and not find the 15 or 30 jokes that have thousands of likes.

They'll find the one thing that could be deemed offensive and shine a spotlight on that.

And I think it says so much about the nature of where we are these days, that they're going to focus on the negativity as opposed to all the wonderful jokes that those young comedians possibly have written.

Yeah, and so much so that people want to, I mean, until CK shut it down, they want to go into a comedy club, record shit that people are working on, put it out there, and then out of context, just slam them and try to end careers.

People really want to see other people not work, as if not enough people are working already.

That's my biggest problem with it.

And I think you said it correctly.

They're trying to cancel everything.

And I think cancel culture...

on itself tells you everything in how they call themselves, identify themselves, cancel culture.

They're there to destroy.

They're there to ruin and destroy and eradicate.

And they're not doing anything to replicate it or replace it or substitute it.

That's my big issue with cancel culture.

It's like, if you're going to say, well, there's no room for that.

Okay, well, what's the fix?

What's the solution?

But to me, there's never been a solution.

So until there is, fuck off.

Like, we're able to grab the mic and say whatever the fuck we want from eight o'clock till two in the morning in the village at the cellar.

And there's a reason it's sold out every night.

So I just, I don't agree with it.

I'm completely against it and it makes me sick to my stomach.

And I thought that

I'm very apolitical, okay?

There are things on both sides I like.

I don't think Obama's the wonderful beacon of hope that everybody makes him out to be.

And I don't think Trump is as evil as they make him out to be, right?

I think that

they're fallible both in their own right.

And everybody has an Achilles heel.

And sometimes, you know, the price digs up and and and massacres these people but I think in terms of politics

I think that the the right has been

has been deemed racist right if you're conservative or whatever you vote for conservatives you're you're racist and I saw Trump do something in his RNC speech which which I thought Given the optics of everything, I was like, that's a pretty smart strategy.

And what he did was he tethered the left with cancel culture and and socialism which i had not seen anybody really do in a mainstream kind of way and so now i think you're you're seeing the left really really being associated with that that cancel culture movement and i think that people in the midwest and the bible belt and everything else will associ associate coastal elites with that especially and the democrats which i thought was a pretty fascinating thing from somebody who's i I would consider myself a moderate.

Do you, all this stuff, because the movie that you made is about stand-up comedy, right?

Like, do you address all this in the movie?

No, I'll tell you something that's scary about the film, okay?

Is that, okay, so to back up, I did write a film that is my love letter to stand-up comedy.

It compresses all the experiences a person could have their very first time on the road in four days in the film.

And you're exposed to the three echelons of a stand-up comedian.

You're either an MC, a feature, or a headliner.

And I thought, well,

I want to write the best film that's ever been done about stand-up comedy.

And that was my goal.

And you might as well be a fish out of water and see it through the eyes of the MC.

And that's what I set out to do.

So when we were casting this, I was thinking about the politics of it all.

I was thinking about...

Huffington Post and them slamming me for something and deriding the film before they even saw it.

Because when we were casting this, traditionally speaking, the MC is the new kid on the block.

They're fresh to the party.

They have no idea what's going on.

The feature act is like the guy you meet your first day in prison that's showing you the ropes, right?

And then the headliner is kind of like the warden.

So he's got it all wired for sound.

And so when you're casting the feature act, he wants to go out, he wants to party afterwards.

And there was a moment in time when we were talking about different casting options.

I said, I'm telling you right now, you cannot cast a white kid as the MC and a white established comic as the feature and cast a black guy, quote unquote, for diversity as the feature act, because people are going to see this and they're going to say, Oh, so you make the black guy the one that wants to party and doesn't take his job seriously.

And I was like, It's going to happen.

Somebody's going to say it, and I want to avoid it.

And like, it's so fucking sad that I could have had a really talented black actor portray that character, But given the state of everything with political correctness, I couldn't go that way because I knew that the headwinds were going to come for me with all those people that are extremely progressive.

So

that's where I was a little more nervous about the politics of the film and more so in the casting.

So a black guy lost a job because of it.

Well,

fortunately for us, we had Cedric the Entertainer play the headliner.

So that just kind of like

made things a lot easier, not only in terms of the fact that you have to have a diverse cast these days, but we did kind of cast it via our friends.

So I never felt like we were jamming somebody in there just to jam it in there.

It was through osmosis.

It was a natural process.

And I think that the film, when you see the poster, this other poster we're doing, it will be more reflective of...

of the nature of stand-up comedy, which is, you know, you have people from all different walks of life being being the conduit of humor.

You have some big names in here.

Like you said, you have Cedric, you have Wendy, Whitney Cummings, Ken Jung, Neil Brennan, Bill Burr, Tom Segura, Roy Wood Jr.

I mean, this is

some cast, aren't you?

Who's who?

Who's who of who's who?

It was a lot of fun.

I think the casting director, I don't even know why they got a fucking check.

I should have gotten paid for this.

Did you?

Did you not like the to not include a stand-up like sal volcano is that a is that a statement on what you think of his stand-up skills

i've seen sal and the fact that he's on the poster speaks for itself next equation um no i'll tell you sal is somebody when i heard he was doing it right i was like well good for him i i think anybody that's

that's got that, you know, I had some conversations with him prior to about encouraging him to go to the store.

You know, I think there are a lot of people that want to do it.

And then Sal was one of those that actually took the initiative, did it, and not only did it, never took his status for granted.

Like he was going to the open mics.

He was, he was, he's got dirt underneath his fingernails, is what is the way I'll say it.

And I really respect the fact that Sal never, never, never thought I should just go to the cellar because I'm on practical jokers.

He really waited his time out.

He got invited and he said, I don't think I'm ready yet.

He actually put it off.

He put it off.

And then I had seen him.

I was like, dude, you're totally fucking ready.

He's got that.

He's just got a natural,

he's got that natural stage presence where that's important in comedy, where you see somebody within two minutes, you know, I'd spend a 45 minutes with this guy.

I'd get two or three beers and listen to him for 45 minutes for sure.

Yeah,

he's really good.

He's a natural.

He's a natural.

But he did mention you as an inspiration early on because

when he was going every night and like we would be shooting all day, and he'd be like, All right, I got to go do three spots.

And he did it four or five times a week.

I was like, Dude, are you fucking crazy?

And he would tell me the story about when you were getting started and how, like, you were, you had like the longest streak of going up every night.

Uh, and he was like, That's what I got to do.

He goes, I got to do that if I want to do this, if I want to take it for real.

So, you know, well, you know, I will say this: that I, as much as I appreciate hearing that, there are a few things I've taken along the way in my life where I heard things along the way that get burned into the hard drive and stay with me.

And

when I was trying to write this film, there were things that I was writing.

And I remember watching the Star Wars doc, and George Lucas would disseminate to his ILM crew, like, this is what I want.

And they go, yeah, yeah, of course, George, we'll do that.

And he'd leave the room.

They go, we have no idea how we're going to do this, right?

But that's like everything you want to hear with a team you're working with.

You want to hear, yeah, we'll figure it out.

Because the minute somebody goes, I don't know, it's like, well, you're never going to do it.

But if somebody says, yeah, I'm going to fucking figure that out, then all of a sudden magic's made, right?

So I always thought, don't ever prevent yourself from thinking, why not?

And then another thing, when I toured with the Impractical Jokers

and

seeing

the non-stop access that you would, you guys would individually give or the graciousness, it's like, that's why the show is popular.

But I remember I was talking to Joe.

We were like going to Scotland or something.

I was on the top of the bus.

And he was talking to me about the lack of like,

I guess, anointment from the industry to say, welcome to the club.

You know, it's always been, like, I remember talking, you guys should be on the cover Rolling Stone.

Oh, yeah.

We never get any.

We never get any notice like that, which is just, it just, to me, it seems natural that we don't, though.

I like it's I think I'm more insulted by it than you guys are.

And I was, I was just fucking furious about it because I'm like, look at what you guys are doing, look at what you're accomplishing.

Like,

you know, there's so few people that can fill a fucking arena.

And then when your movie came out,

you're not getting invited again to the talk shows.

I think you guys got to do Kimmel, right?

Yeah, we got to do Kimmel.

And it's like, what the fuck?

What more do you need to do?

And then you guys are branching.

He did get Scotty Gomez.

You got Scotty Gomez.

I mean,

you're all dividing into four different time zones across the country, going to these screenings, like doing everything you can to make sure that the film, the brand,

spreading corona all over the country, no doubt.

You guys are doing it all on your own.

It's like, if you cannot be inspired by that, I don't know what you can be inspired by.

That to me was like,

I don't know, just seeing that.

Like,

I really, I don't know.

To be honest with you,

I was going on box office mojo, looking up the screen per average that weekend, and seeing you guys made the top 10, but then your per average, I think, was the best of anybody's that weekend that it came out.

I was like, how the fuck?

They should all be partitioning off, doing their own deals, and like anointing.

Like, what more do you want?

Like, it makes me fucking angry.

It's all right.

I like where we're at.

I do i i enjoy the the slow climb to nothing it's great

no but you know what i like you've had success people dream of like everybody that's that is anointed that dreams of doing what you're doing and i think that's the that's the catch 22 on their end but that's the catch 22 on your end is that you have everything everybody ever dreams of but it's just maybe not getting that award but at the end of the day nobody remembers who won that oh it wouldn't wouldn't that wouldn't and that's not even a consideration it's so more important to me that we get to do what we want and we largely just get to do whatever we want and i don't think and i think that's because of our undercover fucking status so i'm grateful for it i i'm i'd be hesitant to give it up you uh i i just wanted to to put that out there how inspired i was by that

and how you know in in terms of even promoting this film coming up that i have i'm just like

i i was I was telling my wife, I'm like, look what they did.

You know, I was in, I think, Texas or something, and I announced I was going on the screening, and Joe texted me back.

He's like,

buy snacks for everybody.

I was like, okay.

And then I bought snacks for everybody.

We made some videos, and it made the viewing even that more communal.

And I just thought the whole, I don't know, the vibe you guys always give up is positive.

The show and the film are positive.

My eight-year-old and my five-year-old have watched the film, you know, minus the Murray going to the strip club part, which my wife always makes me fast forward.

They watch it.

And it's just like,

that's what it's about.

Like, these kids get it.

I get it.

Like, any age can get it.

And I don't know.

I just derive a lot of inspiration from it.

Not to kiss anybody's ass, whatever, but I really,

I don't know.

I'm just fucking pissed that you guys are not as

I'm not trying to say diminish your success.

No, no, no.

I hope you know what I'm saying.

I think that

a lot of people think that, but I think that's, I see it as a positive, but that's.

I was talking to Kamel from

Kanell Nair from Big Bang Theory, and he was telling me, like, they were never even considered for an Emmy until like their fifth or sixth year.

Like,

they were just another sitcom.

And that's like a dirty word in Hollywood, is a sitcom.

You're not a single cam like 30 Rock or Cox and Rec.

And that's those who get the awards.

But then when you become an undeniable, it's like, how can you not acknowledge these guys?

And when I saw Variety do that big hitters of comedy this past week, and you guys were in the variety piece, I was so fucking happy for you because I was like, that to me was like, all right, now they're undeniable.

Now they got to the point where they have to fucking acknowledge them.

Oh, wow.

I didn't even read that.

That's nice.

That's what I was driving towards in this, and they were showing off, showcasing off, you know, Sebastian Maniscalco and Bill Burr and they're practical jokers.

And I was like, yeah, it's about fucking times.

Oh, thanks, Boone.

You toured with these guys.

Do you have any dirt on the IJ guys?

Yeah.

The only dirt I have is...

No, there's no real dirt.

It's like...

It's just no dirt.

I was actually curious to see what you came up with even as a joke.

We do things like we go to like the Titanic museum and like that like me and steve just wander around like talk about how sad it was people died 100 years ago like there's very

this there's certain nights that that get uh but that's just us being dickheads drinking alcohol and we don't even talk to anybody but ourselves

it's fun i i don't have anything bad to say i think like when you tour you expect a fight a dust up uh due to the fact that everybody's together on a bus, whatever.

There was just no friction.

And to be honest with you, it was a fucking joy.

Like I had nothing but a great, it was almost like it was a vacation.

I didn't feel like I was ever working at all because on any given day, like you said, we could go see the Titanic Museum or Sal wants to go shopping or Joe wants to get a nice meal.

It's like there's always something to do with somebody.

I had a fucking blast.

Those are some of the best times I ever had professionally touring.

That and USO tours.

I never had a better time.

That's cool, man.

I feel the same way.

It's fun touring with you.

Yeah, how did you like?

The fact that you guys like Jameson.

It was like even better.

How were the USO things?

I was reading about that.

And

I mean, that's a trip.

And that's, to me, I would just feel like it seems dangerous going to Afghanistan.

The first one I did was the most scared I've ever been.

It was 04,

height of Iraq war.

My brother was stationed at Camp Victory North, and Colin Quinn knew that and

asked me if I'd go.

And I was beyond honored not only to work with Colin, Colin, because I respect him so much, Bobby Kelly, not as much, but

we all went over.

And there were two incidents that looking back now, it's like, wow, my God.

We're in a C-130, one of those big cargo planes you see like in Conair.

And due to the fact that we were USO and there were so few things going on, we would, we would, we were the cargo.

That was it.

So I don't know how much it costs to take a C-130 from point A to point B, but it can't be cheap, right?

So we're going to from one base to the other.

Our liaison, Colin Quinn, Bobby Kelly, and myself are in the back of the C-130.

It's basically like sitting in a fucking warehouse empty, strapped in, and it's cavernous and it's, it's wild, and you're flying up.

And so the pilots come back and say, hey, we got room for two of you.

You want to sit in the cockpit?

Yeah, of course.

So Colin points to me, goes, Byrne, let's go.

So we sit in the back of the cockpit and we don't have headsets on.

And we're just taking off.

And it's this big bay window, like the Millennium Falcon.

It was really cool.

And you're taking off on Ascension, and I see fireworks going off.

I go, Oh, that's fucking cool, man.

And in my fucking,

like,

you know, egotistical mind, I'm going, oh, they're shooting off fireworks as like a goodbye, like they're celebrating us.

That's what I thought.

And finally, as we get to

our flight height, like our flying

altitude, we get a headset.

And so Colin Quinn gets on.

He goes, hey, what were the fireworks about?

And the guy goes, those were RPG flares

because an RPG was shot at, a rocket was being shot at our plane.

We don't have to worry because they have such bad aim and these flares will take the rocket away from us.

And

I was fucking white as a a ghost my jaw dropped colin looked at me he goes how great would it have been to know that we knew why we were going to die we would be together but bobby kelly's in the backline

he's kind of confused like why am i dying

and the other time i was really scared was we went to this um

just kind of like this bombed out area of the city in Baghdad.

And it was like this little square.

And there's these four buildings.

I was fucking bombed out.

And there are snipers up on the roof.

And below it is a tractor trailer with a flatbed and speakers on it.

That's our stage.

And there was a bunch of folding chairs.

And I go to the liaison.

I go, hey, what are those snipers up there for?

He goes, those snipers are there looking at those snipers on the other side.

I go, you mean like our snipers?

He's like, no, like the insurgent snipers.

I'm like, why?

Like, shouldn't we be inside?

Like, why the fuck are we doing this?

And I was the first one up that day.

And I thought, well, if I fucking die, it's probably right because these jokes are shit.

This stage is shit.

And this is the worst experience I've ever had doing stand-ups.

So I might as well fucking just get one in the head.

And that was the most scared I've ever been doing stand-up.

But that was, those are great experiences because those men and women,

they're fucking bored of playing ping-pong.

They're bored of playing PlayStation.

They've seen every movie known to man and they miss home.

And so you're providing just a brief semblance, just a little microcosm of back home.

And we can address all the things that they can't really talk about maybe publicly in terms of like, you know, military time and all that other stuff.

So

it's really some of the most rewarding shows I've ever done.

And even in touring, to this day, at least once every two or three weeks, you'll meet somebody who's like, oh,

I came to your show in Kandahar, and you don't know what that meant.

And there are times where I could get emotional thinking about that.

That I remember I was with Drew Carey one time, and this kid came up to me after this show.

He goes, Man, thank you.

And he looked just, he fucking looked out of it, but he was thanking me.

I go, you're okay.

He goes, yeah, it's just a crazy day.

I go, what happened?

He goes, He goes, I was in a firefight.

We were pinched out.

We were waiting for the next convoy to come to bail us out.

And when the next convoy came, they bailed us out.

We took one of our friends that got shot.

He's going to be okay.

We threw him in the back of the Home V.

We just came back to base.

And as soon as I pull in, we hear laughter, and I come over.

And for 40 minutes, I forgot about what just happened.

And now I'm remembering what just happened.

I'm like, that's fucking crazy that we were able to like take him out of that situation for a moment before he could process it and maybe, maybe help subside the craziness he just saw.

Yeah, and that that's the that's the fucking USO show.

You never know, right?

It's fucking nuts.

That's a it's an honorable thing to do, too.

I mean, you follow in the footsteps of like Bob Hope, Ola Filana, Martha Ray, Martha Ray, Kid Rock, Toby Keith.

I just heard on Stird Show that Mark Harris died.

Did he really?

Yeah, two years ago.

Nobody knew.

He died in like total obscurity.

Oh, poor Mark Harris.

Yeah.

What a bummer.

He was always fucking hysterical on that show.

So

I don't even think we said the name of the movie.

It's the opening act.

And if I'm not mistaken, it comes out on the 16th, right?

Comes out on the 16th in theaters and DOD.

You know, one tagline I pitched to the production or the distribution company is you've been to a comedy club, but you've never been on the road.

And that's really what the film's like.

It's a fish out of water.

It's a kid's very first time ever on the road.

And it's the pursuit of a dream.

And it happens to be stand-up comedy.

So you're going to get all the inside baseball of it all.

And there are a few incidents that have occurred in the film where people are going to watch and go, there's no way that fucking happened.

It's like, oh, it happened.

It happened to me.

And I was scared out of my fucking mind.

Oh, wow.

That happened too.

Everything from his first night out, going out after the show to the radio station to his next night out, like those are all things that happened.

And we didn't put those in the trailer on purpose because we thought hopefully enough people want to want some want to film about stand-up and then they'll be exposed to like the roller coaster ride that comes with being on the road yeah i think that's pretty interesting i i really like jimmy oyang too i mean i've only seen him in silicon valley but that alone that was enough for me to really dig that dude

He's great.

And I think one of the best compliments I got was slowly the comedians have gotten to see the film.

Everybody from Tom Segur, Neil Brennan, Bill Burr, Cedric, Jimmy.

We had one private screening just with Cedric and Jimmy and Debbie Ryan.

And then we had a

the other guys have been working or didn't feel comfortable, whatever.

So we let them watch it.

And I keep getting the same text messages back from everybody from Segur to Burr to Angela Johnson.

It said, it's always the same through things.

I loved it, and it's very authentic.

You brought up so many horrible memories that I may have to revisit my therapist.

And

it was great to be a part of

something fun and special.

So, you know, I hope that that does resonate with people.

But Bill Burr paid Jimmy the best compliment.

He just said,

he said, I was familiar with him, but he's so rootable and so likable.

And I was so happy for him at the end of the film.

So that was nice to hear from somebody who's notoriously very honest.

But, Q, if I were to ask a question like, how did you feel

in the anticipation of like a feature film coming out?

I mean, to go from the small screen to knowing

you're doing something that I think just is something y'all dream about, right?

You pack your bags, you go to the city.

I mean, granted, you guys didn't have to go too far.

You take a train, but

to know that you had that moment in time.

I don't know.

It was, for me, it was, it's like everything else that I do, man.

I just kind of underwhelm it for myself.

Yeah.

You know, it was like, I go into it, I force myself into a place where I'm like, if it does well, great.

If it doesn't do well, what am I going to do?

But to get into that place, I kind of got to sand off the edges a little bit, if that makes sense.

Were you

had to have been surprised with the results?

Because those were, I think, exceeding anybody's expectations.

That was pretty insane.

Like, getting that in, but that, what that made, which I didn't anticipate this at all, considering the movie had no marketing campaign, that they didn't fucking push it at all, you know, all these things.

Like, I felt real gratitude towards fans of the show.

That was the overwhelming thing.

I was like, I was literally like, I cannot believe they came out for us like that.

But this is like a testament to what I was talking about.

Those numbers,

I think they still would have been great.

I think they would have been great.

I think your audience would have shown up for you.

without a doubt.

I don't think they would have been as excessive had you guys not taken your foot off the gas pedal.

And if you guys chose to stay home and just take a victory lap, which you probably deserved, but you still fucking packed your bags, got on planes, did all that.

And I think that's why variety has to fucking acknowledge you this last week.

It's like it's gotten to the point where it is undeniable.

Great.

Yeah.

Don't deny it.

I'm not denying it.

It's nice.

It's nice to hear you say that.

But you know what?

I don't think about my own career at all.

So getting a perspective like that is is nice to hear thank you yeah well i know you spend your days on sideshow looking at yeah that's it man i you know i know i follow my heart man and that's into like pop culture bit of bullshit but uh walt just whispered to me that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore steve

no i wish you the best of luck with your movie man you seem like a really nice guy i really hope it does well Thank you, Walter, and best to the devils.

I hope that you guys, with your draft picks that you've had of recent, it sounded like on paper you guys had a fucking great team.

I was like, shit, with PK and Taylor,

they're going to take over the East.

I was rooting for the Devils.

I thought that that's who was going to win the cup when you guys got the team on paper.

But sorry about that, bud.

There's always next year.

You got a good future ahead of you, though.

You got some good draft picks.

Yeah.

From your lips to the devil's ears.

That's right.

From G8 in the parking lot.

So So October 16th, 2020, select theaters, I'm assuming, since they're all select theaters these days.

Yeah, who knows where it's going to open and stuff.

I think my folks will get to see it in Florida, you know, in a theater, and I'll be stuck here in California waiting for Governor Newsom to open everything up again, you know.

Yeah.

Crazy days.

Also, I'm going to say while

While we're talking about it,

the documentary you made about The Amazing Jonathan, it is always amazing.

It's on YouTube, and people should watch that.

I watched that.

It's fucking awesome.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

It's really good.

Thank you.

Yeah, for free now.

And, you know, it's always been for free.

But yeah,

the film was a wonderful experience.

And, you know, knowing that I got to do something about a friend and somebody I look up to

meant the world to me.

But, you know, I got a text message over this quarantine and he said,

thank you for making the film.

Thank you for what you did for me and my career.

And it's certainly the best film that's been made about me.

I was like, fuck, I'll take that.

Thank you.

That felt very nice.

I was just trying to remember how he phrased it,

but it was very nice to see that because it was a little touch and go for a while there.

Yeah.

All right, Steve.

Well, thank you for calling in.

Good talking to you, buddy.

It was really good talking to you.

Love you, Q.

Love you, boys.

I really look forward to the next time we get to hang out and would love to just, like, literally, I really mean this.

I'd love to, I've been meaning to get to the East Coast.

That's why I've been texting Sal a few times, but I really, like, I'm just flying out there to just hang.

Like, I just want to catch up with you, with Sal, with Colin, and you, of course, and like all of us, just, I'd love to just get a bottle of Jameson and just sit at somebody's house, play some good tunes, and just bullshit and have a good time because it's just been too long.

Are you guys coping with it well?

Or

yeah, you know, I settled into a good groove, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all right.

What are you going to do?

Exactly.

It is what it is, right?

Well, I miss you fellas and can't wait to hang out with you guys.

And thank you so much for taking the time to have me on.

Hey, thank you for coming on.

We'll talk to you soon.

Bye, Steve.

All right, boys.

Bye, guys.

I love that guy.

Steve Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, he's a great guy.

I really like him a lot.

Yeah.

But before we go, Walt,

a news story made me think of buttholes.

A New Jersey hypnotist was arrested after subjecting patients to illegal prostate exams.

Oh, please don't tell me this is Marshall Manlove.

That's like, Mary Meff found this article.

She goes, is this Marshall Manlove?

I was like, unfortunately, no.

Yeah, Robert Bruckner.

Patients would visit him for a hypnotherapy session, and he would perform the exams, I guess.

Well, it says it unclear if the patients were were under hypnosis during the exams.

I would assume so.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So

he was

a proctologist who practiced hypnosis to no, I think he was a hypnotist that practiced proctology.

Yeah, it says he's not a licensed doctor and he owns major mindset hypnosis counseling.

He offers services to adults, teens, and children.

The investigation was launched after patients went to police and described their visits.

So hypnosis must be real then, because.

Well, we saw it with Ming.

I mean, obviously.

I mean, two seconds more and he would have Q's finger up his ass.

Wait, I'm putting my finger up his ass?

No, he's put his finger up your ass.

He was arrested and charged with sexual assault, endangering the welfare of a child and practicing medicine without a license.

I guess he was doing it to a couple different people, but like, yeah, it's for some reason.

Really?

You're going to stick your finger up a kid's ass?

Yeah, man.

What kind of guy are you?

Well, it's too sleepy to say tell him Steve.

Oh, Mark.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.