#454: Eyes Up!

I've never seen Sales Balls, I'm sorry to say.

Do you think that, like, anybody who actually knows the Pope personally talks shit shit about him?

Fanboy standing fucking got blotted.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

I'm sitting here with Q.

Hello.

And I'm sitting here with Walt.

Hello.

And I always forget to do certain things.

So right off the top, I'm going to say, hey, if you want to watch the show that I do with Iraq,

it's on YouTube.

You can go to youtube.com, would you kindly show.com.

And that's going to send you to, if you like pop culture and you love Iraq,

that's the show for you.

Twitter, tell them Steve Dave, if you need help with anything, it's T-E-S-D Town.

And our IG is Instagram.

IG as the kids say.

Or do they say Graham?

I don't know.

I'm just going to say Instagram so I don't fuck up.

Tell them ants.

So

done.

And oh,

patreon.com/slash tell themstu Dave if you want to get all the good videos that Walt Flanagan's putting out.

Nice.

All right.

Is that good, Walt?

It's excellent.

All right.

Thanks.

Are you the one that says you forget?

Not at all.

Oh, this was not by my hand.

Not me either.

So, Walt, last week, Mary Beth was sitting here.

And I wouldn't want you to think that now that I'm married, I'm just going to bring my wife every time.

It's a very good reason she's here.

I'm not sure if you know.

This used to be a boys' club, man.

It used to be.

But

we're going to have to include a female this week because last week's show.

Yeah, I heard.

You heard?

Yeah, Declan.

The 911.

Diddy, I didn't have the heart to tell you.

I bought software.

Okay, so what happened was we recorded a show.

Talked about the wedding, and when I got home, I sent it to Declan twice, and he's like, there's nothing coming through, even though it was like two gigs.

And then it turned out the card was corrupted.

I got software to try to pull it off, which I successfully did.

I got pictures of me and you, real old pictures.

Yeah, it was weird because the card has been formatted and shit.

Really?

Yeah, but like very old, like I would say, like 2014 pictures of me and you.

Whoa, yeah.

Very good ones.

Yeah, I pulled some off.

Yeah, it was like it was, they were all black and white, and I think we were sitting like at the poker table.

Well, I told, you know what?

Yeah, I wasn't, and you said you didn't have the heart to tell me because I was like, my initial thought when Declan told me I was just like, thank God it wasn't the previous episode.

Right.

Oh, right, right.

Right.

You know,

then I caught myself.

I'm like, that's glass half full, baby.

That is, yeah.

And I was impressed with myself because I didn't, it was a legitimate thought.

I was like, well, fucking, thank God it wasn't the previous episode that was lost forever.

There was 10 people on it that you could never recreate.

Yeah.

Eric might not feel that way.

Yeah, in the sober light.

Did you stop by the movies pop-up store, Kid?

Did you happen to grab a burger?

I did not.

I was going to go,

but then I heard that they're serving a Secret Stash beer that's not RH beer.

So that's it.

How do they do that?

I thought you need a liquor license.

No, you team up with a local place that already has a license.

They just

put a label on it.

Gotcha.

So,

red tank.

They have a big inflatable J and Bob there.

Do they, really?

Yeah, blummin and chronic.

Really?

Yeah.

No,

no, I'm going to go.

I'm only kidding.

I'm going to go.

Giddam's there, selling merch.

Now I'm not best about going.

But is Giddem safe?

Is he wearing a mask?

He has to.

Yeah, he has to wear a mask.

Yeah, he's in a restaurant.

Well, wait, these are two separate questions.

Is he safe and is he wearing a mask?

Yeah.

Well, it went great in LA, didn't it?

When like the word on the street was like the LA.

This one is crazy.

That many people came through today just to store.

I didn't go over to the restaurant, but the amount of people who came from the restaurant and also came to see the stash leads me to believe it was a pretty good day for movies,

because it was a good day for us.

Our best day since the, obviously, since

the reopening of COVID.

You've defeated COVID financially.

No, no, it's going to take a lot more than a pop-up to

defeat COVID.

For a week.

Yeah, it's going to take a lot more than a week.

Oh, it's only a week?

Yeah,

it's only there for seven days.

I came into Red Bank today to go to lunch, and I went over to my buddy Tasso's place, the Bistro, here.

And he looks like he's aged

three, four years since I saw him six months ago, eight months ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like, wow, you're aging appropriately.

He has three restaurants.

And he's none too happy about.

Because eventually, like, you know, they...

The street out here in front of the stash is all closed down for a couple blocks so the restaurants can drag their tables out.

It's cold, though.

It's going to get cold.

Then what?

I don't know.

Then what, Walt?

I don't know.

I think that

as a country, though, we should pull together and not be such pussies and be like, all right, just put a pair of lawnjohns on and go fucking sit outside and eat dinner.

What about your hands?

Put a pair of gloves on.

You know, get those pocket warmers.

You know, those things like that fishermen use?

Yeah, like an ice fisherman or a hunter.

Yeah.

So you're holding these in your hands with your fork and lost your dinner.

I mean, i if that's what it takes to save the restaurants, I mean, we can't get together and do that?

I'd rather just give them thirty bucks for the meal and send them home.

Or just get takeout.

Yeah, have them bring it.

Yeah, you know, I'm willing to sit out there as i in the in wind chills, you know, that, you know, approach zero if it means that

sauce, or whatever that dude's name, what was that dude's name?

Oh, Tasa.

Tasa, yeah.

I'm willing to try it, you know, see how it goes.

Right.

I think I'm, like, addressed appropriately, I'm good until 50 to 55.

Below that.

That's a pussy right there.

I'm a communist, I know.

That is a woman, and you can put your girdle on, too, then, because

50 to 55.

Anyone see my girdle?

That's nothing.

I know.

I hate the cold, though.

I hate it.

Just put an extra layer.

A couple of extra.

If we get a heat wave?

We get a heat wave.

I'll be out there in 110.

It's not that you're a pussy.

It's just that you don't enjoy it.

So what are you doing out there?

I hate the cold more than I love these restaurants.

Way more, way more.

I just take a couple extra layers of clothing, though.

Just see if we can do it.

Try it.

If you don't like it, you don't know until you try it.

If they have their tables out there in January, I will sit out there with you.

They're not going to.

No way.

I'm wondering how long they're going to do it for.

I think you can go until November.

I really think so.

You can.

Give it a shot.

I'm sure it'll start to.

Could they put the heat things out there?

Yeah, they're going to do that.

Oh, well, then you could get through October.

Yeah, aren't they dangerous, though?

Like, if they topple over and like the oil can like,

it's propane tank.

It's propane tank.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's safe.

That's the old school ones that people bring in their homes and then they warn you, like, be careful.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you must have seen that kind of stuff, space heaters.

Yeah, we saw it.

Space heaters were a bad one.

I remember we went into this one house.

It was on Staten Island, and

every room in the house had this little R2-D2-looking fucking things with a grill on it.

And they would top it off the tanks at night.

And that's how they heated at home.

And I was like, that's fucking real.

China grilled, like to grill patties?

No, no, it was just like to stop you from touching the fucking heat, like a safety grill on the side, so you couldn't touch the heat part.

And they were just blasting out heat, but they were gas-powered.

And I was like, you're indoors.

So their heating unit must have gone, and that's how, and they never could get it fixed, so they had to go.

All these units couldn't have been cheap.

There was like, there was like six, six of these units.

It was probably cheaper than getting a whole new heating system.

Ongoing gas, then too.

I mean, a certain point, yeah.

The seal risks.

Yeah, unless you have a refinery, you're going to be spending a couple of books.

I talked to Joe Gatto earlier today.

I wanted him to come on to discuss his book, but he had a previous engagement.

Oh, yeah.

Is that the first interview he's done on given about the book?

I don't know.

I think he's been on Good Morning Marriage and shit like that.

So it's not an exclusive.

It's the first podcast he's been on about it, maybe.

Probably, yeah.

Yeah.

I hope so.

He's coming on, though.

Is he going to come?

He said he would come on, yeah.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah, next time

he'll

have Murray on to do his book because he hasn't ever been on, Tell him Steve.

That would have been a perfect opportunity.

Well, he puts out a book every five weeks, so he's just

give me, we'll just wait for a few weeks to do it.

Buy the collection.

I have, before we get into the wedding stuff, which I guess we will recap.

It's the first time we've ever tried to attempt this.

To recreate something.

I don't think we're going to recreate what we said.

Recreate the music.

I don't even remember.

Yeah, I was going to say, that's what I said.

Like, when when Declan told me, like, Declan told me as if, like, like, as if I was.

He was boss.

Yeah, like, he was trying to break it to me gently as if I was going to be devastated.

And I just remember dancing around it.

And I'm like, what's going on?

He goes,

we'll see.

Sky's blue today.

I thought maybe he lost it the way he was fucking so scared to reveal that it was gone.

I was like, God damn.

I have probably 25 SD cards in this little envelope that I bring with me.

I just picked the wrong one.

It was just the wrong one that time.

So as you can see, there's two.

Well, that one must have been old if you had fucking 2014 photos.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe you should upgrade to 2020 cards.

Hey, I got two 2020 cards in this recorder and the backup recorder.

Is there any cards in the old box that may be older than 2014?

My grandfather left them to me.

They're playing cards.

They won't fit in, Declan.

You know what's funny is like you were doing the backup for a long time, but what happens is nothing goes wrong, so you decide you don't need the backup, and then you need the backup.

You got cocky.

Yeah.

That's always what happens.

Insurance.

Ah, I don't need this insurance.

And then it's turned, you know, you don't need it until you need it.

Then you need it.

I know how to record this shit.

That should be.

I got the best sound.

Oh, a policy genius?

That should be a policy genius' tagline.

You don't need it until you need it, and then you need it.

I think that's better than what they have now.

I like that.

It's a lot of internet.

Yeah.

I think people will be like, huh, it's clunky, but I mean, it's true.

I think, well, you're not a drug taker.

Q, you neither, really.

And even at this point, I'm pretty boring.

I don't understand what needs to be.

What?

Oh, weed is not a drug.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, it's not a drug.

Okay.

No.

Okay.

In whose eyes?

California, Colorado, Washington State, Massachusetts.

There's several.

Okay, it's not a drug.

But it's.

All right.

But why do you take it then if it's not a drug then?

Well, I guess alcohol is a drug, too.

Oh, for a while.

I'm trying to dance.

I'm trying to find my way around this.

You're dancing more than Declan did.

You're trying to break the news.

I'm not doing a jig and shit over here.

Alcohol is.

You have to make alcohol.

Marijuana is just a plant.

People call alcohol a drug, though, so yeah, I guess you're right.

Like, I could see the argument for alcohol.

I don't see the argument for marijuana.

The argument that it's not a...

You agree with Brian, it's not a drug?

I agree it's not a drug.

Yeah, a plant.

I mean,

most of the drugs are

doesn't it do the same effect that a drug does?

What drug is like marijuana?

All of them, I thought.

No.

Yeah.

I'm about to tell you about one that is not like marijuana.

They're all fucking bad for you, aren't they?

I don't think so.

You can abuse them, right?

I mean, if you can abuse it, it's bad for you.

I feel like it's not a drug if you can't overdose on it.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like chocolate.

you can't really overdose on chocolate.

That's not what Sunday Jeff told me today, really?

Yeah, we're talking about it.

I'm not talking about his dog, I'm talking about

the Halloween show with a little teaser, and there's something that I told him that was going to happen in it, and he was like, Well, you'll kill him if you give him that much chocolate.

And I was like, Are you serious?

He goes, Oh, yeah, he can go into toxic shock syndrome.

Mostly because he has a tampon in his ass.

Or what do you call it?

Like, I guess if you have too much sugar, like too much sugar can cause a like a diabetic shock?

Yeah, that's what he called it.

Okay, and so I'm assuming you're talking about Giddam.

Like, we don't want to name names here.

So, yeah, so like chocolate may very well be

a drug.

I'm willing to put it to the test.

Chocolate?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, you can get sugar.

Yeah.

All right.

Is that a drug, though?

So, speaking as a drug taker,

I've yet to see

weed

story that makes me say like, fuck that.

Like, I would never do that, or I would never try that, or I would never continue to do it.

No, quite the opposite.

You're like, weed seems to drive people to just kind of chilling out, right?

To relaxation.

Yeah.

That's the side effect, is relaxation and euphoria.

I've heard that.

I've read stories, though, where people have gone, like, fucking, like, into, like,

fantasy land where they're, like, having panic attacks because they've over-OD'd on on weed.

Well, they get paranoid if the weed is shit.

No, no, I'm talking about like they go into like

legitimate panic mode and they like they can't get out of it.

It's like an episode, they call it

from weed, yeah.

I'm telling you, I read stories.

No, I'm not, I'm not, yeah, I'm not discounting what you know.

Mushrooms are natural too, and I would say they're a drug, so maybe my own theory isn't correct.

I mean, I guess it's not, or it's not a drug.

Let's look up the very strict definition of drug.

How about that?

What brings this up anyway, though?

Oh, because I want to,

there's this cautionary tale.

We'll look up drug in a second.

That I don't know how much

more serious a cautionary tale can get than this.

Now, when you hear about meth,

it's always like, well, it's dirty.

It's super addictive.

You get addicted the first time.

It takes your teeth out.

It makes you gross.

You got scabs all over your whole body.

It makes you go psychotic.

So if that's not enough,

a South Carolina woman gouged her eyes out, her own eyes, during a meth-induced psychotic episode in which she thought she could save the world.

And then she got a pair of prosthetic eyeballs that would make her appear more normal to the outside world.

Oh my gosh.

She was 20 years old when she ripped them out of her

squishing them with her hands after snorting and injecting tainted methamphetamine.

Oh man.

I believe, though, if you read that a dude who smoked too much MJ didn't that, it still wouldn't make you go, like, I'm stopping the MJ.

Not you, but I'm talking about people who like MJ.

Yeah.

I don't think even that cautionary tale would stop people like, ah, they can't handle their drug.

I think everybody would be like pretty shocked, and it would be more likely it was dipped in PCP or something

to do something like that, to have that sort of episode.

How do you know?

How does anybody know it's not dipped in it, though?

Well, if you get it in a, I mean, if you buy a pre-rolled joint, then yeah, you don't know but if you're just buying flour you know it's not likely to uh

to have been sprayed what's that a code name for well that's just like the buds and stuff rather than like vaping or something

and if uh okay so she says the drugs take your fears and beliefs and amplify them i thought i had to take my eyes out to survive and save the world You never heard this story before?

My mother told me this story.

Your mom?

Yeah, in the 80s.

What was the drug?

It certainly wasn't meth.

It had to be something else.

Was it weed?

Beer?

Yeah.

Really?

So we got a peddler sitting at the table.

Did your mom know this?

I mean, this made me want to tear out other people's eyes

my own.

Here's a picture of her with her prosthetic eyes.

Hold on, let me blow it up a little bit.

I mean, it looks a little weird.

It almost looks

like alien.

Does she have both eyes are gone or is she still a little bit?

She ripped them both out.

So she can't see.

She's blind.

Let me see because the microphone was in the way.

One looks kind of normal, the other one does not.

But pretty damn good for gouging your eyes out.

That's pretty good prosthetic.

She looks not typical of the person that I would think had taken meth and torn her eyes out.

That looks like a cheerleading photo.

Yeah, she looks like the all-American girl.

That shows it can happen to anybody.

That's exactly right.

Eyes are your fucking everything.

Everything.

Don't take the chance.

It's not worth it.

Based on this alone, I would never do meth.

Forget all the other shit.

Forget all the other stuff.

Just this alone would make me be like, it does what?

Like that crocodile shit that we talked about, where like people's aren't like wherever they shoot it into them, they get necrosis and shit.

You see bones through their skin and shit.

You're sitting at the big boys' table.

You're going to have to deal with it, girl.

So

I guess that's it.

That was it.

She cried with happiness.

I guess you can still cry if you rip your eyes out and squish her.

But

all seriousness, you have never heard this as a cautionary tale that

people rip their eyes out because they don't want to see what they're seeing when they go on these.

No, I never heard those.

Well, that's like acid, right?

Like acid or LSD.

Yeah, any of those.

Any of those

hallucinatory

drugs or something that makes you think that you're seeing evil.

And that doesn't make you do it like mushrooms

as an artist?

No.

I don't know.

Right?

Mushrooms?

Yeah, if Walt took some mushrooms, like as an artist, the things he would see.

I wonder how that would happen.

But he's already kind of fucked up, so he might see stuff he couldn't handle.

You'd have to super low dose this guy.

You can't be sending Walt on a trip.

I'm

30,

35 years clean.

I must be wrong.

I thought I remember a story of you guys on the set of one of Kevin's movies

and Walt had a couple of drinks.

No.

No, I don't think so.

All right.

Maybe what movie would that be?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

I can't remember.

I must spend my standing.

It's giving you a bad rep.

Fanboy standing fucking got blotted.

So, all right.

We'll talk about the wedding, and we'll do as best we can to

fill people in.

Remember, I actually remembered a couple things along the way.

And that Instagram address I gave you earlier, we finally got the photos.

And I'm going to post some up there.

Some of the cool ones, like, you know,

the cue and the cake.

Yeah, it was a month.

It took a fucking month.

And like, I thought that you had to send thank you cards.

2,000 pictures.

I thought that you had to send thank you cards inside of a month.

I think it's a year.

That's three months.

I love it.

Three months?

Three months.

But

she wants to design the card and put pictures, like little small pictures on it and shit.

And I'm like, look, we got to fucking send these fucking things out, man.

People are going to think we're ungrateful.

People at this very table

were really generous and nice.

Oh, yes.

That's a fact.

What?

That you're generous and nice?

I agree.

But you know what, though?

I'm not that kind of guy that's expecting a card.

No?

No, like, if I didn't get a card, I would never be like...

At all, or just from me?

Yeah.

I try to be fucked up.

No, not at all.

I'm not the kind of guy.

Like, if I didn't get a card from somebody, like, I'm not, like, I'm a dude.

I don't care.

I'll give a fuck.

I don't think I would care.

I wouldn't even notice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you care?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I don't want to sound like a fucking Cro-Magnum, but it's a girl.

I mean, that's what they're doing.

It's a poker table.

That's the way it is.

It's a greeting card.

The whole greeting card industry

was made for girls.

I mean,

that's the way it is.

I'm sorry.

If that angers you,

you know, I apologize, but

that's the facts, Jack.

Yeah.

But you would say it again tomorrow, so you're not really all that sorry.

I agree with you.

I mean, in this world of like

ambiguity in terms of gender and sex and all this other shit,

there still is room for like not caring about greeting cards or thank you cards.

If you're a man, it's that like hot button to say that I think the greeting card industry is dominated by women buying greeting cards for

dudes, but I mean, it's way more important to girls, I think.

I know there's going to be the unicorn out there that's going to fucking send me an email.

You know, but I understand there's always exceptions, but

for the most part, I think it's a female-dominated

business.

Yeah, so you just cut the check and you're like, I'm out.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

Went to the wedding, gave the gifts.

I don't want to hear anything more.

I did everything I was doing.

I checked all the boxes I had to check.

we actually didn't talk last time either about where you stayed.

Originally, I'd asked you if you wanted to stay in the mansion with us and you poo-pooed it.

Yeah,'cause I brought my my uh one daughter with me and I didn't want to uh ask for another room.

That's what I heard.

Yeah.

And I figured, you know, that since she wasn't going to the wedding, that, you know, we would spend um

the since we're there three days, we would spend some time in the inner harbor and she would have things to do and then she would stay in the room when we went to the wedding.

But we pretty much stayed in the room the whole time because

the inner harbor was

a little rough after, you know, the

just

nobody was there.

It was a ghost town, and

just

you know,

it just wasn't the same harbor that I remember from that I went there a few years ago.

It was a touristy harbor.

Yeah, it just really was safe.

Safe harbor.

I'm not saying it.

It just was sad to see it that it's not that

no one's going to it right now.

I guess a lot of tourist destinations are facing the same problems.

But

once they reopen the country little by little, I think the tourist industry still hasn't seen it bounce back.

Now,

when it does open, do you think people will en masse be like, finally, we can go places?

Well, it is open.

Where it's not limited in terms of like, oh, 25% capacity.

I'm talking when we're balls out back to like...

Will get a vaccine back?

Vaccine back, yeah.

Will it come back?

I don't think not overnight, but I think it'll slowly start to come back.

I think everybody eventually, just like

you with the card, you didn't need the backup card.

People start to be a little bit less safe or a little bit less worried.

I will wear the masks.

I don't need to shake hands.

I can go to a restaurant now.

I can go to a tourist destination.

And that just comes with

time and not feeling stress about doing those things.

I I don't feel stressed.

Like, if I could go into stores without a mask, I would absolutely do it.

I would just.

I read somewhere it has like a 99 point something recovery rate.

Like, statistically, you are almost,

it's almost impossible to do.

You don't know what it's going to do to you if you get it.

I know it doesn't, but I mean, I don't know if I'm going to walk out and a fucking anvil is going to hit me on the head, Wiley Coyote style.

I don't know that, like.

That's not a good analogy.

Okay, not an anvil, but a car, you know, driven by a woman who's reading a greeting card when she should be paying attention.

Yeah, but like, if you weren't wearing a mask and then you got me sick and then I got my mom sick and I killed her, I'd be pretty upset.

Why aren't you wearing a mask?

I am wearing a mask.

Okay.

Well, you got your mask.

You don't got to worry about me then.

That's certainly a way to look at it.

Plus, wearing a mask with a beard, it's like there's so much airflow under there.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

Like, you got the same thing going on, Kyle.

I don't have a beard, like you said.

Mine's a little bushier, but yeah, there's a lot of airflow.

Should there be exceptions for men with beards?

I think so.

I think like people who have a doctor's nose and guys with beards.

I think even you with your shaggy scruff going on there.

I should be exempt.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I don't think that would go over that well.

I don't even think you could make the case that guys with long beards should not have to wear masks.

Oh, I don't think I could either.

I don't think that would be met with a lot of approval.

Met with some hostility.

Do you guys judge people driving around in masks still?

Like, I thought at first when people were like very

driving the car with a mask on.

Driving their car with masks on.

I see it all the time.

I think that's silly, silly, but I mean, whatever.

Maybe they just forgot.

Because I forgot I'm wearing it.

I've never done it.

And yeah, I've driven a room with my mask on.

I just forgot to take it off.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just forget I'm wearing it.

It's like when your sunglasses are like on your forehead and you're like, where the fuck are those sunglasses?

Because you just forget they're there.

I told Mary Beth, these masks are the new band-aids.

Like how people just toss a band-aid.

Like you find a gross fucking band-aid.

on the side of the road find masks and shit on the ground it's like ew yeah like fucking ew when we rented a car to to take a road trip the like he was like oh i have to go sanitize the car the guy so the guy brings the car in the back sanitized it quote why aren't they doing that anyway by the way i don't know but so okay it's sanitized then we find a mask in the glove compartment a used mask and a used mask tucked down on the side of the seat i'm like well you know

some sanitary.

Doesn't seem sanitary.

Point that out?

Yeah.

The manager called and apologized, but at that point, I'm just like, I'm not going to call him back.

You could have got that money fucker refund.

He knows.

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Maybe I got like a free day of rental or something.

Yeah.

Who knows?

So, so the wedding.

Where do we start?

Well, we had it at the Gramercy Mansion.

We had at the Grammarcy Mansion in Baltimore.

30 people maximum.

I wanted to invite some people.

There were people I really wanted to invite, including Tommy Lincoln, my buddy E-Rock.

I probably would have invited Dante.

He was like, I'm not even supposed to be here today.

We had the first night was the pizza party.

Rehearsal party.

Rehearsal dinner pizza party.

And everybody was there except Mike, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, he came up the next day.

He came up the next day.

And I don't think...

Oh, we had a little, what was that, that dessert truck?

A funnel cake, funnel fair.

So, that was pretty fun, I thought.

The rehearsal dinner, but there wasn't any standout moments, really.

I don't think the rehearsal dinner?

Well, the podcast.

Then we do the podcast at the end.

The podcast, yeah, the bachelor party.

And then I heard there was a bachelorette party, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, not as riled.

It was wild as the podcast.

I don't think so.

Yeah.

You saw the gift baskets.

Yeah, that's what they did.

They put gift baskets together.

They just owned all the gift baskets.

Did you guys talk

at least a little blue while you did it?

Yeah, were they like, hey,

what do you have planned for tonight?

Are you going to please him?

There was no blue talk?

What's on the menu?

Poom pang.

I don't really remember.

I had a few

drinks.

We got, you know, I was talking about posting some of the pictures earlier.

I requested from

the photographer.

I said, you know, sometimes when you look at, you know, certain, you're on certain forums, you see women getting dressed, you know, they're in their bridal gear,

and they're in different states of nudity.

Oh, like baudoir.

Boobs might be out, a little boudoir action, yeah.

So I said, I'm going to make a request that you catch some of those snaps, you know?

So I haven't seen them yet.

There's a whole album.

Yeah, I'm told there's an entire album full.

So the photographer took pictures of you in your baudoir states.

Yep.

Yep.

I love the photographer.

Everybody at the wedding had a crush on the photographer.

She's awesome.

Yeah, she loves everybody.

But I think she would be, for me,

I think she'd be a little much.

Like, I don't have, there's no room in my life for that level of energy

consistently like that.

Yep.

Bombs over benches.

But we're not talking about the rest of your life.

You're talking about a wedding shot to the wedding, you know?

You could take it for that.

I could take it for that.

Yeah, I thought she was very pleasant.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like her.

She's great.

It doesn't sound like you like her very much.

No, she's high energy.

I hate that bitch.

Oh, no, don't say that.

Uh, so is it awkward when she's taking pictures of your beagoirs?

Not at all.

My mom and my aunt were in the room.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's not.

Oh, that was your

mom.

I also did one for her and my mom and Becker were in the room.

Don't think about that.

Think about that.

If it was reversed, that would be so weird.

If my mom honestly, I don't even think you need to reverse it.

I'm with you and like the aunt and

your mom being there.

I feel like that's weird.

The total stranger to me is not a big deal, but the mom and the aunt, but I guess it's like female, the girls are just different.

They don't care if other girls see their tits and stuff, you know?

Well, we grew up in, we fucking grew up seeing each other's balls and fucking shit.

We were forced to.

We had to be no big deal.

Wow.

Surprising.

I guess so, yeah.

What's surprising that we had to?

They just stared at each other's balls all the time.

No, not all day, just in gym class.

Just for 40 minutes.

I've never seen Sal's balls, I'm sorry to say.

Yeah, we talked about it.

Did you take gym class together?

We did, but it wasn't like that.

You didn't get changed into gym gear?

Yeah, we throw in some

what over your fucking school uniform?

You just throw it off.

No, but you didn't take off your underwear.

You friggish.

I mean, we took showers.

We had to take showers.

We didn't take showers.

We didn't take showers.

If we didn't take showers, they took points off our grade.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Kidding.

In fact, gym was my last class my senior year, so I would go, I would check in, I would go in the locker room, I'd grab my bag, I'd walk out the back door, get on the train, and go home.

For us, I kind of understood it though.

Like, you're a teenage boy, it's like third period, and it's like we took gym, we didn't fuck around, like we played basketball or we played soccer, so you're sweating balls and stinking and shit.

So I kind of understood why they would want to enforce it, not to the point where it's like, if you don't get nude in front of your friends and stare at each other's balls, you're gonna fail.

It's so foreign to people, young people today, though, to hear that you know, that was like

a strict fucking rule.

Like, they can't even wrap their heads around how bizarre that is.

One of the most enforced rules in the class that I can recall, like, it was that, like, that and don't fuck around.

Like, when you're actually playing the game and shit, like, you know, doing gym or whatever.

Those were the only two things.

You better take a shower and don't fuck around in the gym.

Jeez.

Gross.

The good old days.

Yeah, and I remember.

Well, what would the small dick people do?

Shower in shame.

Why does it matter?

You shouldn't be looking who's got the bigger and who's got the smaller one.

Yeah, but all it takes is one person to go, like, holy shit, look at this dick.

And then everybody's like, oh, wow, it's so small.

But then you fucking out yourself as you were staring at it, though.

Yeah, but some eyes don't care.

In today's day and age, though, that's not a problem.

You're just looking as shoulders up.

Yeah,

can't help but notice that you noticed.

Yeah, I mean, I think you would be more ripe for ridicule because if you put that shit out.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's how it works.

Alex, turn that shit on you so fast, dude.

I don't think so.

Chasing around in the locker room with his little pecker and shit.

Yeah, I'd be like, oh, tiny dick.

He fucking.

Guys, don't fall for this.

He's trying to flip this script.

Let's all just focus on his tiny dick.

Let's focus how focused you are on the size of your classmates' genitalia.

You guys want to see my dick?

I'm comfortable showing my dick.

I'll show you on the train.

I'll show you my dick.

Meet me in the caboose.

So, so the next day is the wedding, and

Q, you were working on your speech.

Yeah, up until, yeah, like two hours before I was rewriting that speech.

Beautiful speech.

You performed the ceremony.

Yes, you performed the ceremony.

Yes.

Your first ceremony.

First, yeah.

And how long had you been a

Reverend?

Less than a year.

I did it when Brian.

I'm a minister.

Brian had told me that

I'd be doing it.

What is it called?

A Reverend.

I think it's fine.

Yeah.

Less than a year.

Less than a year.

Yeah.

Yep.

That was impressive for your first one.

It looked like you had...

I worked harder on that than I've worked on anything in my career.

He looked like he was experienced every nuance, every pause.

I'm listening to it and looking at the pictures and remembering, or trying to remember the moments,

like watching us.

And I'm like, this is what we're laughing at right now.

Oh, we're laughing at that right there, you know?

Yeah, I, my only thing is because I changed it so much, I didn't memorize it.

I don't, I wanted to be off-book, but I, there's just no way

I was just changing, I mean, I was changing jokes two hours before, I couldn't, I couldn't.

I mean, how can you not when Eric comes in like that?

That was it, Eric.

You can't, look, the sermon I wrote, there's like pre-Eric and after Eric.

Like, you can't experience Eric and then be like, well, I have to address that a minimum of three times in this.

Oh, yeah.

I mean,

and it was so

it was slid in there so perfectly.

Because if you listen to the bachelor party episode, my brother Eric is going through divorce.

He's none too happy about women, I guess, in general right now.

You know, it was so sad.

One of the saddest things he said, I didn't, I didn't, I thought about it.

It haunted me.

Was it the numerous times that he's like, I want to marry your wife if you die?

We didn't talk about that, babe,

no, I didn't tell her about that.

She barely even knows who he is.

I don't even know if she would pick him out of a lineup, you know?

It's going to break his heart.

But no, but he said something that really, really just hit home and made me go, oh my God,

how fragile

what he's looking for is because he said all I ever wanted in my life was to be, have a normal home life.

I just want to be normal.

Yeah, he said it, and it made me, it just really, like, I thought about it, I think about it almost every day.

It's like how

you can't control that.

Like, it is so dependent upon everybody else in your life that you live with if your home life is going to be normal.

And

if

one thing is askew, it could be, it could mean the difference between

abnormal

or

outright fucking like toxic.

Right.

Like, everything could be going in the right direction, and then suddenly your sister does meth and she closes her own eyes out.

It's got nothing to do with you, but now you got your sister with clawed out that body walking around.

That's not normal.

Yeah, I mean, it really, just like, it just really made me sit there and go, like, it, it moved me because I was just like, like, he kept saying, like, you, you're normal, you're normal.

And it's like, but the reason

his life went from normal to abnormal, it wasn't because of him, though.

So it is so dependent upon the people, the rest of your people in your life.

It really, really, like,

it affected me.

Really?

We, um, we had gone to dinner with Eric and his then-wife, like, what, two years ago?

Yeah, about two years ago, and he was singing the same song.

He, he was, like, he was, we were telling you.

No, yeah, he was talking about himself being normal.

He did bring up Debbie a few times.

The wife wasn't crazy about that.

He was singing that same song where he lives in this small town in the outskirts of LA.

And they moved there from the San Francisco area.

His wife really liked the San Francisco area.

She didn't want to move to this little town.

So she was like kind of unhappy there.

And he was basically trying to gaslight her into believing that she did want to live there.

He's like, no, we got this and we got that.

You want to live here.

You like it.

Like, he was literally saying this kind of shit to her.

And she was like, I don't like it.

You know, I don't like it.

And that was another theme of the night was telling stories about when we were young, and him being like, I just, that's all I wanted when I was young.

I just wanted everybody, I just wanted to be aware of that.

He had a vision of what he wanted, and the vision was that small, quiet town.

And he desperately wanted it.

And

for whatever reason, I guess she, why wouldn't she like a small like

why wouldn't she want you?

Yeah, eyes up, bro.

Shoulders up.

But I don't know.

Yeah, it really was

like, I didn't even say anything because

when he said it,

it just made me realize it's like, it's so, it's so out of your control, Eric.

You really can't control that.

It's just like, it's luck, basically, or, you know, that it, that if it remains normal,

and there's no fucking guarantee that it will always remain normal.

Something, one small thing, one little stone thrown into the fucking water can make those ripples, and one of of those ripples can be fucking cockeyed and turn everything upside down.

Think about how abnormal your life becomes if Deb is suddenly like, oh, I have this male friend.

We're going to go hang out.

It would be like,

that's true.

Yeah.

I mean, it would just unmake everything that you thought was real.

Yeah, it really would.

So that's like I said, it really, it really just like haunted me since he said it.

And I hope that he's doing better and he finds that normalcy that he's seeking.

I'm going to go go out and visit him next week.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, just hang out for a couple days.

Not next week, no week after.

It doesn't matter.

Come on.

She corrects me.

Any chance she gets.

I mean, he's real bad with dates.

The 27th is free, right, for him?

Yes.

Okay.

Get his ass fucking charged.

Every time I talk to him, it's like, I'm going away this day.

And then he's like, no, it's not this day.

I mean, he has no clue.

He doesn't.

What the fuck he's doing?

You know, not everyone does.

And he doesn't tell me all the time either.

You didn't know he was going to see his brother?

No, I know he's seeing his brother.

I don't know the exact dates

quite yet, but I know it's not next week.

Some secrets.

Yeah, but at that time,

I told Eric, I was like, normal.

I was like, that's not for you.

I was like, you're at Johnson.

It's not for you.

Oh, really?

What you

kind of cursed him.

Fucking Amadeus or not Amadeus with North America.

Mr.

Thomas is.

I was like, in two years' time,

a Latino will go out for coffee with another man.

That's so bad.

And she, well.

It's almost worse than banging.

If you're enjoying his company?

Yeah.

I didn't know how many details you wanted to give out, but in a way,

because here's the thing, in my mind, if I was married and my wife fucked a dude, it's a clear-cut,

like,

hey, like, you fucking fucked the dude.

Like, obviously, there were a million ways you could have handled it.

You handled it like this.

So, fuck off.

You're an asshole.

But she goes out to lunch with the same dude and doesn't fuck him.

I mean, it's really like almost like I'm the dick for asking for the divorce.

Because there's nothing, especially with that private investigator involved, there's nothing you can point at that's like, well, I have this as hard evidence.

It's like your only hard evidence is that after working out, they went out for a cup of coffee.

Yeah, fuck her.

And

didn't tell Eric.

Like, she didn't mention it to Eric.

I feel like that's a little different than being confused as to like what dates you're going to go out to L.A.

that I don't tell her.

Yeah, but you could see how some people would be like, you're getting divorced over that man?

Like, she just went for coffee.

Yeah.

But it was several times.

I think she brought the kid once.

Like, they each brought their kid.

That's funny.

Maybe a normal activity.

That's better, but worse, too.

It's like, because now you're like, hey, man, keep cool.

Don't say anything.

So the kid was told not to say anything.

I don't know that.

I don't know that.

I don't know if he was just like, I don't want to get involved or whatever.

But Eric has a close relationship with him.

No, it's unfortunate.

Yeah.

Oh, well, what are you going to do?

It'll fall apart eventually.

In other news, Walt came over to

my place the other day.

He had to take some pictures of me for a project.

And it was weird.

His head was higher.

He had more of like a spring in his step.

Really?

I don't know what he's talking about.

He was dressed a little snappier.

Walt.

Walt.

And I was like, this looks like a guy.

Oh, I know what he's talking about.

This looks like a guy who's discovered Mac Weldon, our new sponsor.

The best sweatpants on the planet.

Aren't they really?

Yeah.

Wait, what?

We got sweatpants?

You must have got your code, Q.

You got a code that you should have.

And if you didn't go to the website working.

Wait, I got codes?

Yeah, you must have gotten a code.

All right.

Is it too late?

This is a company.

I used your code.

But

I asked Mary Ratha, I was like, has he used that code yet?

And he's like, oh, come on, man.

He had it for a month.

I'm taking that code.

I need sweatpants.

He's still on fucking TV.

Let me have the fucking code.

I haven't been on TV in years.

I think your code has been used.

Oh, it's been used, really?

I think so.

What?

Buying it.

He lies all the time I think about not getting shit.

Oh, he used his own code.

I didn't use my code.

Yes.

Or your assistant used it for you.

Yes.

And gotcha.

They just picked stuff with that for me.

Why would Helen do that?

That's outrageous.

I'm tired.

Yeah.

I'm going to pull her right now and fucking ride her down.

But this is a place that

before Mary Beth secured them as a sponsor, I already frequented.

I love their sweatpants, and I love their shirts, and I love their sweatshirts.

Their sweat shorts, too.

So

let me read.

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and the new word, W-E-L-D-O-N.

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I'll read you a little bit about them.

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Yeah, they're more expensive, yes, because they're a higher quality and you're not going to have to, you know, like you go to Walmart, you get a pair of sweats, you're going to wash them 10, 15 times, and those sweats are done.

Sure.

These are not going to get misshapen and all that shit.

They're not going to get strongest.

The strongest apparel I've ever had on my body.

It's great, isn't it?

I really like it.

You really.

I mean,

the suit I wore to your wedding

was crappier.

That was burlap.

Than these sweatpants.

So I already talked about what they have.

You're not just going to look great.

Their clothing performs well from working out, going out, going out to work, or on a date.

Mac Weldon is for everyday life.

Customized fabrics that can keep up with you no matter what your day looks like.

Q, you have 18-hour days sometimes.

Yeah.

They have fabric that can cover you.

Mac Weldon.

You got to get some.

Got to get you some of that, Mac Weldon.

Mac Weldon has created a totally free loyalty program.

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Because I spent over $200.

Sounds like Scientology with all these levels, though.

I know, right?

There's certain tiers you need to reach for enlightenment.

Then you get to meet Mac himself.

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It is me, Master Weldon.

I live in the bottom of a volcano.

That's where all these fine fabrics come from.

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That was very like radio-esque, isn't it?

What all the stuff is?

Like when they say it like two or three times.

Oh, once I take them out, yeah.

Then I'll sound like a pro.

Yeah, I like me some Mac welding.

They're pretty good.

Moving back up.

How many spots we got today?

Just one.

Just one.

Okay, I'm waiting for that vitamin spot.

Oh, yeah.

How's it looking?

Get him got the vitamins.

So, yeah, we're waiting.

He looks better.

Does he?

He does look better, and his gimp is gone.

Wow.

And like,

these may be wonder pills, but we'll reveal who's supplying him with these vitamins once we get the spot.

That I did.

Oh, I did the spot.

I already did the spot.

Oh, you did it?

Oh, you did the spot already?

Yeah, it was.

Care of.

Care of.

Yeah, that was the vitamin.

Oh, because I had a whole, I had, you should have told me you did it because I could have played it.

I could have tacked on the end of the episode.

I recorded the questionnaire with me and Gidum

to see what kind of vitamins he needs.

Oh, like when we were doing that episode, I totally forgot about the spots.

I was like, shit.

So when I was home, I had to do them.

We'll tack it on the end of this episode.

Yeah, why not?

I'll tell Declan attack it on.

That's good.

That vanilla, the vanilla, the whey vanilla in that, the

protein that they sent for the shake.

I put that some almond milk.

It's the bread.

Oh, you're taking these.

This I got, yeah.

And I was

beefing up.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They got this whey protein.

Oh, it's like steroids?

No, it's a powder.

And it's just protein after you work out.

It makes your muscles harder.

Well, I don't know.

What do you think?

I was going to say, what I do is

make a nice shake out of it and just drink it on my back porch.

I don't really worry about the working-out part so much.

Drinking it out of a pitcher.

Of a coconut.

I put an umbrella in it.

Crazy straw.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not fucking ripped yet.

What's going on?

But no, Giddam, you know, he had a

this questionnaire that we did reveals a lot about the personal issues that Giddam deals with on a daily basis that, you know, I didn't know about.

I mean, like what?

A lot of urination problems.

Really?

Giddam has urination issues?

Yeah.

Like, in what way?

He was showing me his cranberry pills of some sort.

He loves to freak out girls with like foot issues and urination.

Why?

Yeah, because he gets a reaction.

Like when Helen

tells him about her foot, and she's like, oh, she's horrified.

Because if he doesn't, because he,

he's been reinforced almost like a dog.

Like, if he doesn't say anything, he's ignored like a ghost.

But if he says something that, like, you know, well, at least I'll repulse or at least I'll get a reaction.

Right.

So he's so he breaks out.

At least I'm not invisible.

Yeah, I have, you know, I have six toes and, you know, webbed feet.

Yeah.

All that.

So many things are wrong with my feet.

You wouldn't even believe it.

They're storing urine in them.

Yeah, but you know, he can't stay asleep.

So we got the questionnaire down and we got the perfect mix of vitamins that's going to cure him.

I mean, I expect him to be a change man once this regimen is, you know.

Do you really

like that?

He looks better already.

He took, he said he had, you know, he wanted to solve his hair issues.

What's his hair issues?

He said that he doesn't like that.

He's getting some spots that he doesn't like in the back of his head.

So he said, so there's some vitamins that can help him regrow hair, he said.

I mean,

we're at like auto.

Obviously, we're doing a second spot for free, but

if you want to, get 50% off your first care of order, go to take care of and enter code tesd50 that's tesd50 take care of dot com enter code tesd50

uh and that is um

that is for the vitamin vitamins yeah just go check it out and like it has this short quiz that you can do and stuff yeah i'm telling you we'll play the quiz uh that me and get him uh took that i administered to get him to uh figure out what his chemical his ideal vitamin regimen would be you're like a chemist over there man Well, no, no, I'm a doctor.

No, I just asked him questions and he answered them.

I didn't come up with

the exact percentage of vitamins that he needed.

Right.

But you'll find out maybe a little bit more than you want to know about Giddam or maybe a little bit more that you didn't even know you wanted to know about Giddam.

Yeah.

You're like, holy shit, I didn't know I wanted to know this, but here we are talking urine.

Good question for you guys.

Yeah.

Mac Weldon.

Which one are you guys buying?

Which one is this?

Just these?

The sweats?

The sweats, yeah.

Ace?

The the black sweats.

Ace sweatpants.

That's it.

Not radius pants.

No, that's it.

Not tech chino.

Not a Sunday lounge pants.

No.

Okay.

So now, here we go.

What do I do?

I'm going to.

I also have like a cashmere

pants and shirt for like sleeping.

Oh, yeah.

Real cool and stuff.

I bought with with my with my code, I bought three pairs of those sweatpants.

They're the best, man.

I really do.

Because I said to myself, you know what, I'll use the sweatpants the most.

So that's what I chose to use my coat on yeah so more more into the wedding stuff

so we get ready that day she gets ready with her mom showing her tits off to anybody who wants to look yeah I know and then I guess it's time for the

the

what do you call it the ceremony ceremony the ceremony well going through the pictures it's pretty funny like you notice things that you didn't notice before now Walt you bought a new suit and you looked like it wasn't white but you had a very like Tony Montana vibe about you, you know?

Tony Montana?

Yeah, like it was like your shirt was buttoned down more than like

that scarface.

Say hello to my little friend.

I didn't think that at all.

I mean, why did you think I was so pale?

Your gold chain.

Your gold chain.

My mother

buttoned a little bit.

No, no, he didn't have a gold chain.

He had his

pop.

Well, I saw a gold chain.

I was not wearing a gold chain.

No, he had the

dog tag chain.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a dog chain chain.

But it's just, it was the way you're wearing it.

Like the shirt, like the collar was kind of like open a little bit, the shirt's open, the jacket's hanging open.

I don't know.

You look good, I thought.

You look good.

You look very like a smooth operator.

Suave?

Oh, yeah.

I would say suave.

It took me a long time because I was fighting tooth and nail to not wear a suit with my wife.

Right.

And she drove,

she just wore me down

and just, you know, eventually just, we made it, brokered a deal where I would wear the suit.

Yeah.

What did you get out of it?

Some deal.

What was your advice on the wedding podcast?

On the

podcast?

You said, just cave.

Yeah, yeah.

You just give in.

Yeah, eventually, yeah, because it's just like, you know, I just was like, yeah, all right, I'll wear a suit.

And it was, it was, you wore a suit, but it was like

as close as you could come to not wearing a suit by opening it up.

Well, I didn't wear a tie.

Right.

That was the deal I brokered.

I was like, I'll wear the suit, but I'm not going to wear the tie.

I'll show her.

Oh, wait.

So we lost the episode.

So your dance they didn't hear about then.

They didn't hear about the dance.

They didn't hear about anything.

Right.

Okay.

So I wanted you to get this in because I think that people would love this, right?

So your first dance, you guys, like you go out and you start doing this waltz.

This bullshit waltz.

Very,

very, what would you say?

Classic, slowly and classic.

Traditional.

Traditional, that's all.

Completely unexpected.

The music changes.

Did it scratch?

Like,

it didn't.

I love a good needle scratch.

And then you did the dance the full day.

You stopped busting out disco maneuvers.

Yeah, it was

machine gun, and it was the

dance and the montage that he does.

And boogeynights.

Yeah, and boogeynights.

But you did it.

But you did it, and you committed, and you both knew every.

It was a full-on choreographed perfect dance.

70s disco dance.

70s disco dance.

It was pretty fun.

It was awesome.

You kept that from everybody.

Yeah.

There were certain things.

That's why I told you I was like, there's certain things you're going to like.

Yeah.

It was fun to watch, man.

That was one of them.

You guys started out a little on that.

You started a little slow, and then like you, then you just somewhere like a quarter into it, you just busted into it, and then it would just go.

It was great.

Because it happened faster than I thought it was going to.

So once it started, I was like, all right, let me catch up and get there.

But even like when I went back and looked at the pictures,

you can tell that I'm way stiffer.

And like her arms are like, they look like, they look like they're broken because they're in so many different ways, whereas mine are pretty straight.

I'm a fucking white guy.

I'm 53.

I'm not a dancer.

My muscles are calcifying.

That was awesome.

That was awesome.

And your idea.

It was great.

Yeah, I was like, we should do this.

It's one of those things where then later on, I'm like, why did I say we should do this?

I'm going to do that.

Yeah, when I'm actually learning the dance and teaching it to you.

Yeah, because she's been dancing a long time, so she knows.

She snaps a few times.

So that was fun.

But even earlier, like when

Mary, like Sage was the flower girl

and started, like, I don't know, 50 feet back from where she was supposed to.

I was waiting for her.

We were finding petals outside.

Waiting around the corner until I can come out because you had to go to the altar first.

And then I see Sage and it's her first time seeing me.

And she

looked at me as if she had seen this beautiful unicorn.

Like her reaction, it made me bawl.

I was crying.

And then she just turns around and is like, come on, Bestie.

And then she starts throwing the petals and we aren't even near the altar yet.

Still so cute.

Yeah, and then I'm still crying.

And then it's time to walk down the aisle.

Walked down the aisle crying, got to the altar crying.

I thought she was going to faint.

Me too.

Yeah, I was at one point.

I put my hand on her back.

Yeah, you can see it in the pictures.

Yeah.

Reaching out, like, you're right.

I thought she was going to go down.

I was like, geez, I got to at least look like I'm going to try and do something again.

Oh,

no,

it's hard that, like, so many emotions went through my head.

The one I was just like, is she...

Does she want to do this?

I was like, she's really crying.

Yeah, like, there was a moment of like, uh-oh.

People are going to think this is forced.

It made me cry.

I started crying.

You were touched, huh?

Yeah, and Sage was crying too.

What did she say to you?

Eric was crying.

Oh, yeah.

She goes, come on, Bestie.

You're getting worked up now.

It was so touching.

Eric was crying in the.

Is that what it was over?

No, I don't know.

His head was in his hands, and he was really crying.

Yeah, she carries the weight of the emotion in the family.

I i don't have those feelings

uh and she walked down the aisle to you know it started out as the uh i think it was packabelles canon and d right was a very traditional uh wedding march and then gave way there's another little easter egg that i planted uh it gave way to uh sanford and son

string quartet a string quartet playing sanford and son yeah and the psycho theme and like so many cool things you have to do yeah yeah they she they had they had a bunch of cool songs psycho sounded great psycho sounded so so good.

Yeah.

But the Saffernan Sun,

I mentioned it, and she was like, oh, we'll see.

And that was way more positive than I thought she'd be about something so ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

But then it was like, I didn't even really talk you into it.

You just decided.

Flipped it, yeah.

So that was fun.

It was good.

We just wanted it to be not very traditional, but still very fun for everybody.

It was great.

To talk about your vows, I mean, I thought maybe

some

half the room loved them.

And I think half the room may have not have been all that jazzed with some of the jokes that you put in there.

Yeah, well, she went first, and your vows were sweet.

They were pretty nice.

Oh, yeah, there was no issues.

Well, she called me petty.

There was no issue.

But then when it was time for my vows, I don't have them in front of me, and I asked the guy for the audio, but he still hasn't gotten it to me yet.

You asked yesterday.

But there were.

well, I asked you at the beginning of the week.

How many references to

Banglader?

Well, there were only two, and they were in two separate speeches.

So, really, there's an average of one per speech.

But the, yeah, the first, the vows.

There were more than two.

There were more than two.

Because I remember that night being three.

Wow, I said to you, I go, you put three references to having sex with a man's daughter in your wedding ceremony.

We saw a a picture of him too.

Father?

Yeah, it was.

He looked very sort of stoic in most of the pictures.

And then there was one where

the ceremony had started and he was turning back.

Yeah, like he was taking his seat.

He had taken my bouquet and was sitting down and

crying.

He was crying like he just read a fucking greeting card.

Now, I got a question.

I don't know if

I'm being too intrusive.

Would that be the word?

Sure.

It depends on what you're going to say.

Now, traditionally, the father pays for the wedding, but this is not a traditional wedding.

Some of it was traditional.

He paid for it?

He didn't pay for all of it.

He told you when you were young, right?

Oh, yeah.

If you should ever get it, yesterday?

No,

when she was young.

I remember when I was like 10 years old, my dad told me there's X amount of money in the safe for you if you ever want to elope.

At 10 years old, I'm like, what does what does elope even mean?

Do you think technically he shouldn't have given it to you?

So you took the money from the safe?

Had somebody cracked it?

No, he just gave me

that

amount of money.

The eloping money, yeah.

Money goes fast, and I'm going to tell you this.

When you're having a wedding, it's just like.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, well, you know, you're doing it at a little bit different stage of life.

So you had a little bit more

at your disposal than we had to, you know, for our wedding.

But it didn't matter.

I don't remember your wedding pailing.

It was, I mean, your wedding was way bigger than mine.

You had a lot of people there.

It was like,

it was a pretty cool affair.

Yeah, as I say, it doesn't matter what you spend it on.

It's not about the money.

It's about, well, I mean, it does matter.

It kind of matters.

Let's look at ourselves.

It's a waste of money.

It really is.

It's burning money.

It is, but there's there's no way you can turn around.

I can't tell her no.

And not because I'm like, oh, I can't tell her no.

It's like she won't listen to no.

She's like, I'm planning the whole thing, so this is what I want to do.

And I'm like, I don't have and never have had a dream wedding in mind.

And you haven't, but you had very specific ideas of what you wanted and wanted to do.

So I was just like.

Yeah, I made some executive decisions.

When you told your parents you were getting married, what was the reaction?

Changed the combo on the safe.

We spent that money before.

He could afford to fuck.

He was on TV.

He could throw his own wedding.

They took meth and gouged their eyes out.

No, my mom said, oh, I knew it.

Like, I knew it.

Oh, really?

And

my dad,

he,

I was like, I can't, I don't remember like, hey, dad, I'm getting married.

You know, I never had that conversation.

Well, you didn't.

You never, you didn't have a conversation about it?

No, not really.

I just talked to my mom.

It would, I mean, I'm just being, again, I mean, but like, I can't even imagine.

It'd be insane, right?

Yeah.

I mean,

you've got cool parents because

I just don't know if I would be as composed as your father was if my daughter was married.

Literally twice.

I just, I would have to, remember you said I haven't done drugs?

That would be the day I'd be like, we're going to fucking

North Jersey.

We're getting the first drug dealer we see, and you're fucking pumping me up full of fucking

all the drugs that he has.

I need to take them all.

Get me a fucking ice cream scooper because I'm gouging my eyes out.

Is that what he said?

Now, certainly

you must have met one of Caitlin's boyfriends, boyfriends, right?

Are you the disapproving dad?

Are you like, this guy's going to have to.

I don't acknowledge it.

Oh, he never comes to the house?

No.

That seems healthy, isn't she?

I don't want to deal with it.

So you're like, he can't come to the house?

But then you have no guidance in the matter.

How much guidance would I have if he's there?

I don't know.

None, if she was saying it would change.

The only thing that would change is I'm fucking uncomfortable.

That's all that would change.

That's the only thing that would change if he came over.

So, when she gets married, do you think you'll try to form a relationship?

Yeah, I think then

it'll be forced upon me to paying for the wedding.

And my wife tells me all the time, she puts the, it's like that Goldbergs episode where you try to learn something.

She goes, was my dad this way to you?

I was like, no.

Yeah, Joe is real nice.

Did he ever, did he ever, was he ever cold and not just say anything and just pretend that you had blinders on?

No.

She's like, so why do you do it then?

And I was like, because I'm an asshole.

I ain't your dad.

Yeah, sometimes it's like, because I'm an asshole.

I want to behave like an asshole right now.

Because I'm just not, I'm not emotionally equipped for it.

The problem is if you're not aware of yourself.

And that's when you can really, like, I think, affect other people in a negative way.

But if you're like, look, I fully acknowledge that this is not rational or reasonable the way I'm behaving.

And no, I wasn't treated this way by your dad, but I can't help it.

It's just the way it is.

But, you know, but when she brings it down to that level, I feel guilty.

I feel like ashamed a little bit of the way I act and the way I'm so like foolish.

Does it affect Caitlin, do you think?

Now she's not like, I desperately want you to meet my dad.

He's so cool.

Just like Mary Better Marines.

Not at all.

No, it doesn't come up.

You know what?

And

if I don't have to address it, the longer I can go without addressing it, the better off I am.

Yeah,

you know, Ray,

chiropractor, Ray.

Yeah.

He has a daughter who's autistic.

And one time he was saying that he was glad that she was Autistic because he couldn't handle guys coming around and trying to date her and

skulking about and shit.

And I was like, that's so fucking weird that somebody would be like that.

But I can't tell you how many times I think with Sage, like the shit I'm not going to have to go through, like the shit I'm not going to have to do.

An admission

that I've often envied

you because you don't have to deal with a lot of the things that happen

as my daughters grow older that are so

hard for me to accept and so hard for me to

just deal with.

It's just like,

ugh, it sucks.

Well,

it's a true case of like, those are my little girls.

I don't give a fuck how old they get.

Those two are my little girls.

And anybody else is an interloper.

Any dude coming in.

But I don't don't want it.

But you know what, though?

But then I see, you know, other, like, I see

son-in-laws and fathers, like, you know, like around me.

Right.

That's that small circle that I have that I deal with.

And they're like tight and close and they do things.

So at one day, I hope to get to that point.

I'm not always going to be this way.

Yeah, I think.

I have to grow into it slowly.

Give me a fucking break.

What are you supposed to do?

You're supposed to commit all this time to a boyfriend?

Yeah.

Let me become his friend.

Yeah, he may not.

How long is he going to be the boyfriend?

Let me save it for when we know

he's the one.

He's the one, yeah.

Because otherwise, you get close to this guy, then they break up.

It's like, where's my friend?

Exactly.

It's just worrying about, I mean, it's just worried about my feelings.

No one cares about my feelings.

It's self-preservation.

I do.

I totally know what you're talking about.

But yeah, I've often, I mean, it's weird that you mentioned that because I would never admit that out loud, but I've

like when I'm worried about them when they're out and I'm fucking bugging my wife.

Why could you be retarded?

They're like, what?

Nothing, nothing.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I don't care.

Leave me an ice cream scoop.

When it's like, they're supposed to be home at 11 and it's 11:15.

And I go in, I wake my wife up.

I'm like, text them, fucking trace them.

Because you had that tracer.

Where are they at?

And they're like, well, she's like, why are you waking me up?

You do it.

And I'm like, I don't want to be that father.

I don't want to be like, like, bugging them, but they'll do it.

But I'll be this husband.

And

I sat there and I go, like, man, I just wish they didn't.

This stage never happened.

Yeah.

You know, and you won't have to worry about those things.

Yeah, I mean, she is definitely a romantic, so she talks about having boyfriends and stuff, but it's you'll never have to worry where she's at

at midnight.

Right, right.

Yeah, if she comes home.

You know, you don't have to be like, well, I don't want to say never, but like, there is like a little bit of like, you don't have to

worry

until, like, not go to sleep until they're not there.

Exactly.

Oh, it sucks.

Yeah.

It's horrible.

And especially, what, does Kate even have

a curfew anymore?

Because I know you didn't at that age.

No, but we, but, you know, I, if she's not there at a certain, like, when she usually comes, she's a, she's like my wife.

She goes to bed very early and wakes up very early.

So if she's not home by 10, it's unusual.

So if like 11 o'clock rolls around and she's still not home, I'll fucking barge in.

I don't even know.

I just barge in and be like, text Caitlin, Tracy, where is your wake up, goddammit.

Yeah, so, but I guess it's all part.

I mean, it's just the circle of life, man.

It is, yeah.

I mean,

I remember

when me and my wife went out and were first going, like, dating, and she was like, she never stayed out late, and she was coming home at two o'clock in the morning.

Nobody said shit.

You know, I'm sure it was driving her parents crazy, too.

Really?

Corinne seems like she'd be cool.

Yeah, no parents really, really quote-unquote cool with

act.

They lie.

Even Edgar was like, you're fucking me.

Yeah.

Talking of 18, it's 11 o'clock.

Speaking of parents, though, I feel one of the best moments at your wedding was when the

DJ?

Paint this picture.

Yeah, so we did the traditional

mother-son dance.

Not before, it was the traditional father-daughter dance, which went on for eight to nine minutes.

Like, I don't know why you picked such a long song.

It's so long.

I don't know why.

I should have had them cut it.

They have this, what they call a family band.

Yeah, like everyone in the family is into this band Blue October.

Like, you go to shows together and stuff, right?

Oh, this is a real thing with your family?

Yes, that's the band?

Blue October.

Is it a rock band?

Folk music?

Yeah, folk music.

Real depressing.

Yeah, it's depressing type stuff.

Yeah.

Like Remio Head?

No.

Well,

I don't know.

I'm going to fucking look them up on iTunes.

They are on iTunes.

Oh, yeah.

Any songs that we might know?

Hate me, Into the Ocean, Calling You.

So that's what the song you picked the dance to?

Was it Blue October?

It was a Blue October.

Oh, and it was significant.

It meant something to your father, too?

Well, we just liked the band, and it was like one of their slower dancing songs.

If you listen to the lyrics, though, it's not

a very nice song.

I think everybody had passed by the lyrics and we're like, is this going to end?

No.

Yeah, no, believe me, I know you're thinking that people were like, this dance was going on too long.

Nobody was thinking that.

And if they were, as soon as the DJ said,

so the DJ, who's like this, how old are you to say she's like 60?

Yeah.

Very like

a frantic energy about her.

More energetic than Jillian.

Yeah, I told her, like, you could be one of those tour guides at Disney where they describe like, and over here, blah, blah, blah.

She's very good at that kind of stuff.

But

when Pam and I are about to dance, and I picked Moon River Andy Williams, and that song means nothing to me, but I know she likes Andy Williams.

I'm surprised you didn't pick one of those Josh Grovin songs.

I can only do so much.

It's my day.

Dancing into Josh Grovin.

That would have been funny, though.

That would have been funny.

Like in retrospect, yeah.

Because she wouldn't have expected it.

Yeah.

But yeah, it was Andy Williams.

But as we're stepping out there, the DJ is like, and now time for the mother-son dance.

Not only does Brian love his mother, but she's his best friend.

Every Johnson in the room looked at me.

I was like, what the fuck?

Why are you saying that?

Did I even look at you?

I remember looking to the side and being like,

Eric and Darren both looked at me and laughed.

I was like, get the fuck out of your best friend.

It might have been the funniest moment of the entire wedding.

Because I was like, it stopped me.

Like, it stopped me.

I was like, what?

Because there was a lot of time where she could have asked me, hey, do you want to say a few words?

Like, do you have any thoughts about

your best friend person?

About your best friend.

Nothing.

And I'm just like, everybody knows that's fraudulent.

Every single person here knows it's bullshit, including my mother.

My fucking Norman David.

It's unusual for that moment to have such a reaction in any wedding, probably.

Most people would have been like, oh, that's supposed to be.

Like, would have been brought to tears, maybe?

Like, Like, I call it bullshit.

It was a very strange moment.

It took me out of it for a second.

Another thing that was a fucking riot was when we were looking at pictures yesterday.

You know, we're looking at all the group pictures.

And one of them, you know, had Pam and Edgar and her parents in it.

And we're looking at Edgar.

And it doesn't even look like he's wearing shoes.

His pants are so long.

And I noticed his suit coat, like, his jacket is long too.

Like, do you remember, I don't think you would know Walmart.

You saw 30 Rock, right?

Sure, yeah.

Do you remember Liz Lemon's agent, the little kid in the big suit?

Like, that's kind of how he looked, but I couldn't believe how long his pants were.

And I'm like,

I wonder why he didn't get them altered.

Is it he's getting smaller?

He may be.

I mean, people do shrink, right?

Yeah, that dude was pretty short to begin with.

You took a shot at your brothers during your speech.

That was such a fucking solid hit.

Oh, where you were like,

he was talking about me.

And he's like, that was a great speech.

But he goes, I love you.

He goes, well, more than a brother, I guess.

Oh, yeah.

They turned and looked at me and damned.

That was an audible groan in the audience.

Everyone just went over.

He was like, oh, dude.

That was a good punch.

I forgot.

I was like, well, I know.

He's not saying a nice thing about me, everybody.

He's saying something about his brother.

You don't know him.

You don't know how he's thinking.

That was not touching.

That was funny.

The DJ also, Q and I, we were sitting around talking, and she was talking about kind of normal stuff.

That was awesome.

Then talking about

acting in New York and how she went out for some roles.

And I was like, well, why did you stop?

Like, why did you come back?

And she was like, you know what?

I was just sick of that casting couch.

She got

angry about it for a second.

We're like, casting, like Harvey Weinstein casting couch.

And she was like, yeah.

But didn't go any further.

She didn't really go into detail.

But I did not expect her to say that.

And we were just like, for someone to get sick of something, it means they've experienced something over and over again.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that's right.

That's true.

We're like, whoa, I mean, I guess technically it could get you could get sick of it once, but that's not usually how people use the term.

No, she gave it the old college try.

I'm going to put up a picture of the cake.

Cake was awesome.

Which was, what was it, Charm City?

Charm City Cakes.

This was a big one.

Hashtag Team Duff.

Yeah,

she wanted

to get a food network.

Oh, it's a TV show kind of.

Oh, it's like Buddy from fucking

Cake Boss level.

Is he more popular now than Cake Boss?

I don't know.

Does he have a show still?

Yeah, he's on a much more.

He's more popular.

So you're paying for the fucking name, too, then, huh?

Yeah.

Well, did you see the cake?

Great.

It was okay.

I had a lot of pop culture references on it.

We'll see if people can get them.

It was good.

Tasted real good, but yeah, that's one of those things when she told me how much it cost.

That's when I'm like, people are going to be shitting this out in 12 hours.

You did get that eloping money, right?

Made sure to get that first.

What does a cake like that go for?

It was $1,500.

Oh,

and that was not a huge cake.

Fucking flour and eggs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want people to think, like, oh my God, it must have been the most extravagant wedding because other things were kept in check.

It was pretty extravagant.

I think a string quartet.

We had a string quartet.

I mean, the location was a little bit more than one of those.

That was his one.

Yeah, that's what I wanted, a string quartet.

Mansion.

Yeah, it was so beautiful.

It automatically elevated.

Did you go into the bathroom?

That's the one thing I would just be like, that was the only thing that took me out of like, I'm in a mansion.

Did you go into the men's room?

Oh, no, no, because I had a room, so I would just use it.

It was so fucked up.

In the men's room, there were pictures of local sports celebrities on sale.

Oh, yeah, Ming bought one.

By the Urinal.

Oh, yeah, Ming bought one of them.

Yeah.

Out of the bathroom.

Yeah, like Baltimore Oriole players, like $10 for an 8x10.

And you just pluck it off the wall wall where you just took a whiz yeah and uh i i it was just covered a little but the whole mansion was like that like outside my room was all artwork for sale i thought it was i thought it was pretty cool like i liked it i thought it was like a nice vibe i just didn't i just wonder why they like how many eight by tens of oreoles can they sell well it's not just that i asked about it i was like wow i was like that's pretty interesting i like the way you do that and she said every single thing in the house was for sale Yeah, she goes like everything at a price table.

She's like, if you like anything in this house, she goes, talk to us.

We'll see.

That doesn't set off any kind of like maybe they were squatters and they really don't own the shit and they're just gonna sell us.

I mean, that's weird to like, everything's for sale.

What are you interested in, Mr.

Q?

I think

it would have been anything.

If I was like your couches, like, how much of those?

They would have given me a price.

Yeah.

I mean,

the

Ming buying that, I was like, it was $10.

$10, but he was happy with it.

Yeah.

Did you guys, did you buy anything, Q?

I didn't buy anything.

We bought a Satan picture and a mirror, right?

And a mirror, a little mirror.

And we got a little clown-ish, the wind we were checking it out.

Oh, yeah, the clown-ish.

I didn't tell you this, but when I checked in, right, I got in my room and I rolled back to bed.

There were two spiders crawling around the bed.

Get out, really?

Big spiders?

Yeah, like black spiders.

Wait, on the bed itself?

Under the mat.

Like when I lifted the cover.

So I was like, holy fuck.

So I called down and they changed the sheets and they were like, yeah, sometimes they come in through the door over there.

Some mansion.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw a mouse.

You're raising spiders.

You can buy eggs if you want, Mr.

Q.

You want your own little planet.

What's it called?

A planetarium of

a literarium of spiders

to remember the occasion.

I wanted to tell you, but I was like, ah, he's going to think I'm ripping on the place.

But it was so nice.

I didn't want you to be able to do that.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, it was gorgeous.

What I'll do is, since I can't remember the vows

exactly when this guy sends me the audio, I'll just tack him on.

Probably not this week, next week, though.

The other thing that I thought was funny was Mary Beth was like, hey, to her dad, if you want to say a few words before the, you know, before I gave my speech, you can.

And so, I mean, I want to play that too, because her dad started talking about her, and then it sort of devolved into like, what the fuck is he talking about?

I remember this.

He's like, you know, Mary Beth was always

an individual and a picky eater.

She wouldn't eat meat.

Well, sometimes she ate hot dogs.

He's like,

and I was just like, oh, is he trying to fucking call Brian Johnson?

Is he trying to

tell a more inappropriate joke to Brian Johnson?

You fucking fool.

I mean, you ain't never going to outdo Brian Johnson.

You're going to have her down right here.

Oh, you poor, deluded fool.

You only got a chance.

But yeah, he started to ramble, and then he was just like, all right.

Yeah, just sort of ended.

No, but no, he said something about you, like, I poured her some milk.

Yeah.

And she cried that I didn't want, you gave me too much milk.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I cried over milk.

It wasn't spilled, but

then my brother was going to drink it.

And I was like, I'll drink it so that my brother wouldn't drink it.

I don't know if it was a story worth repeating once, let alone twice right here.

Look at Dim's going, like, I'd cut that short.

Even I wouldn't repeat that story.

You want to see my toe fungus?

yeah so that was uh i can't i don't think there are any more did anybody uh the did anybody fuck up on the wedding gifts did anybody not give you anything do you have anybody on your list i mean there are people i mean i think you have uh a year though right to give something should i call them out publicly i'm wondering if there's anybody on that list that you're like they're not going to give me anything even within the year hmm well you tell me i'll tell you who hasn't given anything yet uh ming darren and hunter and my nephew hunter uh you might get one from ming i think you're out of luck on the other two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hunter was very appreciative, though.

He tried to give me money for the rooms.

And I was like, no, no, I want to pay for it.

That was the thing.

So everybody could come.

You don't got to worry about it.

That's nice.

That kind of thing.

So I'll keep everyone apprised.

Yeah.

And

if within a year's time I don't get a gift on it, I'll dox them.

Sorry.

How is Eric doing?

Can I get an Eric update?

Like, how is he doing?

Last I spoke to him, he was doing okay.

Yeah, he seemed all right.

I do love that guy.

What's that?

Yeah, he said the fires are, you know, a lot of that.

Yeah, some ozier matter.

He's like, it's fucking crazy.

Yeah.

Is he close to it?

Yeah.

Oh, so he's getting some stress.

But he's up in Oakland, right?

He's like, he's like the air as well.

The smoke is just like, yeah, he's up in Oakland.

But I mean, like, Oakland itself is.

I think it's like what you would consider a shithole city, kind of, pretty much.

Oh, Mosia lives.

I've been to.

No, not where he lives.

I know Fancy Mosier.

I know he's not living there, but Oakland proper is like one of the most dangerous cities in the country.

Oh, yeah.

Shit.

Oh, yeah.

That was really nice.

A lot of gangs and stuff.

I don't think.

Are you sure you're not thinking of Oakland, Los Angeles?

Isn't that

no, Oakland, California?

It's up north, right outside San Francisco.

Yep.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, where the Raiders used to play.

But the place was so nice.

I was there.

I went to Turkey.

I'm sure there's

Upper West Side, and then there's, you know,

way up there.

Well, anyway, he said the air quality was so bad.

He was like, but is there any danger of his master?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, okay.

But he was like, it's really, he's like, the air is just dirty.

Everybody should have wear a mask anyway, right?

Well, now you got to do it in your own home, though.

Oh, wow.

You got to wear a mask in your own house.

No, you don't have to.

Oh, yeah.

You better have a fucking kick-ass filtration system.

That sucks.

It's just.

Do you think 2021 will...

Could it be a little more positive?

Do you think 2020 is like, it's

so

trite and cliche to say it at this point, but I've never seen a more fucked up ear in my life.

It's fucking crazy, man.

Every time you turn around.

What good has happened?

We got married.

There's that.

I don't know if it outweighs

the general populace.

15,000 deaths, you say.

And it's like, I saw the other day.

Did you see the Lancaster thing?

There's another riot in Lancaster.

And what happened was this guy

is

bipolar.

He's off his meds.

He's acting crazy.

He's trying to break into his mom's house.

His mom calls the cops.

Cops show up.

Guy comes out of this, like on a stoop,

like a brownstone stoop almost, with a knife.

Cops like, drop the knife, drop the knife.

The guy starts charging at him.

This is the way the cops react these days.

He turns and runs away.

The cop runs away until the guy starts catching up to him and the guy.

The cop turns around and shoots him.

And the city erupts into violence, you know, like they're smashing and looting all this other shit.

I would like to ask any number of those people, like, if this is you, cop or not, and you have a gun in your hand, and there is a guy like

six feet away from you with a knife, and he's like, you could see it in his eyes.

Like, you know, you're going to be able to see it in his eyes.

It's like, I wouldn't act any differently, and I would defy anyone.

No, to say, look, if Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees was coming after you, you should fucking do it.

Which is what it is.

Yeah, it's basically what it is without the mask.

Yeah.

You were speaking about how fucked up 2020 is.

I saw this news article.

Did you guys hear about what the Pope said about COVID?

No.

And now, usually, I'm not one to bash religion because I feel like everybody bashes it.

Yeah.

You know, and I feel like

it's not cool to constantly bash religion, but this is really fucked up.

He said that

he thinks gossiping is a plague worse than COVID.

It's worse.

Let's make a big effort.

No gossiping.

Pope took time out of his day to do dress gossiping.

Isn't he the voice of God?

This This is crazy.

Is he okay?

You have to wonder, like,

what shitty thing was said about him that you thought.

What did he read on Reddit?

He was behind the curtains.

Just a tear going down his face.

What was said about him that made him so angry that he came out and said it's worse than COVID?

That's amazing.

Worse than COVID.

Do you think that anybody who actually knows the Pope personally talks shit about him?

Yeah, of course.

Well, isn't it a short?

Pope is friends.

But isn't that the sure far way to go to hell, though?

You know, he's the second in command.

I mean, he's the first in command on the planet.

And you talk bad about him?

You think God's got his back to the point where if you talk bad about him, he's sending you to hell for all eternity?

I wouldn't take a chance.

I'm saying it for a reason.

I got a good point.

Why risk it?

I mean, I got to say, like, I've gossiped.

I don't think I've ever said a negative thing about the Pope, though.

I wouldn't have a reason to.

Certainly never gossiped about him because the gossip would imply whatever you're saying isn't true.

Right?

Yeah, but I mean, there's a, I mean, it's a fucking shitty thing to say, especially with the history of the fucking Catholic Church about,

you know, all the things that

have gone on.

And on the heels of getting a billion dollars from the government.

Like, for

the Catholic Church, they applied for the business loans and all that other shit.

You're fucking kidding me.

They don't pay taxes.

They don't pay taxes.

They got a billion dollars, and I think they're going to use the money to pay off all these fucking settlements.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Isn't it crazy?

And you're like, I want to do something about this.

I wouldn't know the first fucking thing to do.

Like, I wouldn't even know what to do.

And it wouldn't stop it anyway.

No.

Like, there is such a feeling of impotence that it's like, you just have to sit back and watch.

Your new bride doesn't like the word doesn't like the word impotence being used so quickly on the

getting married to a man who's in his fucking mid-50s.

Yeah, just

break your in easy.

We mentioned Blue Choice.

Tell him Steve Dave.

All right, so we are here to take the vitamin quiz on takecareof.com.

Takecareof.com.

And I felt that if there's anybody that's in need of vitamins, it's Get Em Steve Dave.

And I am going to forego my vitamins that I am entitled to for doing this sponsor.

And I'm going to give my vitamin supplement or whatever you want to call this.

They're going to give us free vitamins.

And I'm going to give you my free vitamins.

Have you ever taken vitamins?

They make my stomach feel

like they upset my stomach vitamins.

That's what you're supposed to eat.

I believe you eat them on a full after a meal.

Vitamins?

You eat vitamins?

I thought you just swallowed them.

Well, you swallow them after a meal, after you eat a meal.

Okay, yeah, every time I've taken vitamins, I felt like I've gotten an upset stomach, so I forgot.

Even like do you already have the Flintstones?

Flintstones are not vitamins.

Those are candy.

They're vitamins.

They're awesome.

I remember loving Flintstones vitamins.

I used to love the, my grandmother used to give me those little, I don't know if they were St.

Jude, chewable aspirin.

Yeah.

And they were like the most delicious thing in the world.

And

in hindsight, I probably ate more than i ever should have like i probably snuck some every now and then yeah my mom would have to uh confiscate the bottle of flintstones i would go after those purple flintstone vitamins like was that dino yeah i think it was dino but so does take care of nakes shaped vitamins i mean if every vitamin tasted like a flintstone vitamin nobody would be vitamin deficient i don't believe yeah i believe you're right which i have the first question okay

what's your first name do you want to go with your real name or you want to go with i won't say it out loud here

or should i go with walt and just give you my vitamins, though?

Well, if they're going to ask all my particulars, then it really wouldn't matter.

Well, they're not going to hear this anyway, though.

I'm just going to put in Walter.

Steve.

I'm just going to put in Walter.

Steve Davidson's middle name is Walter.

Nice to meet you, Walter.

Okay.

When it comes to vitamins and supplements, you are

A, informed, you know more than the average person.

B curious, you know a bit, but you want to learn more.

C, skeptical, you're not convinced yet.

What are you?

Come on.

I know it's A, but

since we're going with you, I would have to say B.

Well, no, we'll go with you.

Okay, I would say I'm pretty informed.

You're pretty informed.

Yes.

Is there any subject you're not pretty informed on?

Some things, but then I take that as a challenge and inform myself.

So I'm not one of these

mental mendicants who are just going around

learning things off memes.

condemning

the internet.

It's a great resource.

You just got to know where to look.

All right.

So you're A-informed.

You know more than the average person.

Yes.

I would think that that was accurate as well.

All right.

So we go with that.

All right.

An expert, huh?

Well,

it's going too fast.

Don't worry.

It'll be less than five minutes.

Basics.

Okay.

Have you taken vitamins in the past?

Vitamins, fish oil, or similar?

Yes.

Yes.

How many vitamins or supplements do you take regularly?

A, none.

B, one through four.

One through four.

Or C, five plus?

One through four.

Okay, you have taken some supplements.

I take three every day.

Okay.

Have you taken powders in the past?

No.

What's a powder?

I think it's like sometimes you mix it with drinks.

Oh, okay.

It's like you can just down it all at once.

And that way you're getting the necessary hydration.

I heard powder is bad for you because it causes cancer, right?

I think that's talcum powder.

And that's only if you use it every day for like 20 years and are a woman.

And you're using it down there so it's getting up in there.

Okay, all right.

Are you

A, male, B, female, C, nine binary?

Non-binary.

Binary.

What's that?

That's you.

Nonaphrodite hermaphrodite?

No,

you neither go with those two definitions.

So you have both organs?

No, no, no.

You don't don't identify with either of those two definitions.

You go with any of the other definitions.

Like, there's people out there who believe that they're

sprites.

They believe that they're animals.

They believe that they're non-asexual.

I like this company, though.

Like, they're covering all their bases because everybody needs vitamins.

Yes, they do.

Males, females, and non-binaries.

Anything else that falls under any other category?

I'm going to put down male, though.

Okay.

You're confident in that.

Yes.

How old are you?

42.

42.

Yeah, 42.

Getting up there, brother.

I know.

All right.

Do you live in the United States?

Yes.

I wonder why they would ask that.

Probably because they have to abide by FDA regulations and the such.

No.

Damn it.

And they might not ship out of country.

All these rules and regulations to get healthy.

What state do you live in?

New Jersey.

Okay.

Basics.

Goals.

And in case you're joining us in the middle of this, this is for

takecareof.com.

Takecareof.com.

What's on your mind?

Specific need?

Do you have a goal, concern, or a gap in your diet?

General health, you want to take care of yourself.

Discovery, you're looking for something new.

I would say general health.

Okay.

What should we explore?

We ask about three to five questions per goal: immunity, sleep, stress, energy, fitness, digestion, brain.

Oh,

I don't think I need any help there.

I'm not sure if we could get any bigger.

Hair.

Yeah, a little.

There's stuff that can do that.

There's real products.

Because remember, I saw this cap, a laser cap?

Yeah, the Capillis laser cap.

I wonder if they offer that here at takecareof.com.

Skin,

nails, no.

Heart, bones.

I'm going to say no on bones.

I would say.

You have problems sleeping, no?

Yeah, I was going to say hair, sleep, and

stress, yeah.

You're very stressed out, huh?

I have been.

What's your biggest,

what would you like to cure?

What would you like to take care of to alleviate for?

Oh, I thought I had to pick three.

We ask about three to five questions per goal.

So I think they are.

Let's try stress first.

Okay.

So then maybe you'll try sleep.

Okay.

And

hair?

Yeah.

Okay, we'll go continue.

Which one's your top priority?

Tough question, we know.

Go with your gut.

Hair, stress, or sleep?

I think stress is the biggest one.

I think stress might be causing my sleep problems.

So yeah, well let's say let's say stress.

And they say it causes hair problems too.

Oh yeah, your hair falls out.

Yeah, or it turns white.

Yeah.

Just like I heard

Melissa Milano's losing her hair because she had COVID.

Is she really?

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

How do you feel at the end of a stressful day?

Worked up?

Drained?

Mind racing, hard to calm down.

If you're worked up, drained, you just want to curl up in bed.

I would say mind racing.

I can't imagine 148 IQ mind racing.

That must be like the flash.

The body wants to go to the sleep.

You got the quicksilver and flash combined.

The body wants to go to sleep.

The mind's just still thinking about stuff I said when I was four years old.

And I'm like, why am I thinking about this right now?

All right, you're so worked up.

Mind racing, hard to calm down.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, you must be a pills

when you go home and your mind is racing and you're all worked up.

It's a mixture of the both.

Like my mind is racing, but my body is like exhausted, but my body can't do anything.

I can't go to sleep because the mind's like,

all right.

Your hair is, A, starting to thin.

More falls out when you wash it, brush it.

Dry.

If you gently pull a hair from both ends, it snaps.

Damaged.

Split ends are damaged from heat or chemical treatments.

Growing slowly.

It's never as long as you want it to be.

None of these.

I would say it's thinning.

So that would be A.

Notice in some of the Patreon videos when I looked down, I'd

see a lot more skin than you used to be able to.

Do you have trouble falling asleep?

Yes.

No.

Do you sometimes feel tired when you wake up?

Yes.

I feel like as soon as I close my eyes, I'm opening them again.

Wow.

Do you frequently experience jet lag?

I don't know.

Yeah, I was going to say,

what if we're not flyers?

We haven't flown.

What is jet lag?

It's like you always feel like

you're never caught up on your sleep, right?

Oh, then that's definitely yes.

Okay.

All right, we're on to goals now.

Lifestyle.

When it comes to living a healthy lifestyle, you are A, you're really dedicated

on a kick right now or ready to get started.

I would say on a kick, maybe.

You're on a kick.

Yeah,

I agree.

On an average day, you eat fruit, like a medium apple.

A medium apple?

What's that mean?

I guess like a,

not like small, like a Macintosh or huge, like a gala.

A banana or a half a cup of berries.

Now, so these

rarely, once or twice, three times or more.

Rarely.

Rarely.

I used to eat a lot of bananas.

Yeah.

On an average day,

I made my own special

banana brand muffins with extra fiber in them.

Nobody needs to know this.

On an average day, you eat vegetables, like a half a cup of cooked vegetables or one cup of raw vegetables.

A, rarely, B, once or twice, three, three times or more.

Potatoes are vegetables, right?

I mean, people have told me they're not, that they don't count, they don't do anything, they offer no nutrients or vitamins.

I eat rice as well, so

okay.

Well, I didn't see rice even on this.

Well, it's a vegetable.

I would think rice is a rice.

Rice is not a vegetable.

I think it is.

Let's put

rarely.

No, let's put once or twice?

Yeah, once or twice.

On an average day, you eat dairy like milk, yogurt, and cheese.

Rarely, once or twice, three times or more.

Say once or twice, because I sometimes put cheese in my mashed potatoes.

On an average day, you eat high-fiber foods like grains, seeds, beans, greens, vegetables, and berries.

Rarely, once or twice, or three times or more.

Once or twice.

I like to make red beans and rice.

On an average day, you eat protein like eggs, meat, beans, and tofu.

Rarely, once or twice, three times or more.

Once or twice.

On an average day, you eat meat?

Never.

Once or twice, three times or more.

Come on, you're eating meat every day.

Yeah, on the average day.

Oh, I have to eat three times.

In an average.

Oh, okay, then three or more.

Easily.

Every time I fucking look at you, there's meat hanging out of your mouth.

On an average week, you eat fish or seafood?

A, never.

Once or twice, three times or more.

Never.

I gotta watch out for those shellfish.

Do you often consume five or more alcoholic drinks in a single day?

Not anymore.

You used to, though.

Oh, but no.

Three.

But yeah.

No, right?

You're completely dry now.

Not completely.

I have like maybe one,

I binge maybe once a month, if that.

Okay.

But say no now?

This is a no?

Okay.

Do you consume 15 or more alcoholic drinks in a week?

No.

No.

Not anymore.

Proud of you.

Do you have any of these allergies?

Select all that apply.

None.

None.

Well, wait a minute.

Milk, eggs, fish,

shellfish.

No, no, I'm not allergic to shellfish.

I just can't.

I'm not supposed to

eat it.

Well, you're because it causes my gout, but it doesn't cause.

Well, your extremities swell up.

Well, no, just one does, but it's not like it causes my throat to.

I can eat, I can eat occasionally.

Tree nuts.

No.

I've never heard that before.

Tree nuts.

Well, it's like pecans and walnuts because the others are like peanuts or legumes.

Peanuts, soybeans, wheat, ragweed.

No, I'm not.

You're not allergic to anything?

Nope.

I have no allergies that I am aware of.

Wow, you're allergic.

Except for hardware.

You're

impervious.

Which you've witnessed many times.

So, none.

Yeah, none.

Uber get them.

How would you describe your diet?

You prefer plant-based.

You're a vegetarian.

You're a vegan.

Anything goes.

Anything goes.

Do you have any other diet preferences or restrictions?

Select all that apply.

Limiting dairy.

Gluten-free.

Paleo?

Paleo.

Paleo.

Paleo.

I think that's what Tom, Tom is doing, is paleo.

Tom who?

Tom Milazanowski.

Oh, really?

He's like...

From the Only Sunday Jeff Show available on Patreon.

It's some sort of like religious thing?

No,

it's going back to a diet before

we had refined stuff.

So it's going for a more basic diet.

Oh, so it's like

Amish.

No, it's earlier than the Amish.

It's like Adam and Eve.

It's like Adam and Eve.

That Tom Wilasowski?

Yeah.

I think he's got a hierarchy than anybody.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't like to hear this.

I really do.

I'm like the things he comes up.

I'm telling you, the things he comes up with, the things that he does, and his

work ethic?

It's crazy.

When you combine that kind of intellect also with a work ethic, you've got a machine.

I know you, i know you know i know that you begrudge you begrudgingly you're sitting there not saying anything but wincing no no no i think he's i think he's more talented than i am in some fields

he's very creative what other fields are do you excel more than he does at um

please i i don't i'm not trying to put you on the spot i'm just kind of a head scratcher here i i think uh you know what though the building of the things yeah yeah you're you're definitely more like that handyman.

You definitely can do that.

Not that he doesn't have craft skills.

He's yeah.

Some of those that board you made the other day was amazing.

We're getting off topic here.

But all right, do you have any other diet preferences or restrictions?

Select all that apply.

Oh, wait a minute.

Hold on.

So we didn't know here.

Limiting dairy, gluten-free, polio.

Paleo.

Paleo.

I guess none.

Okay.

Are you trying to snack less throughout the day?

Midnight snacks, 11ces,

elevences, elevences?

I think it's a Lord of the Range references.

Elevensies.

Really?

Yeah.

So that's starting to be funny in here.

I guess maybe like in other parts of the world, it's common.

Do you think this is some serious shit?

Some people have like second lunch.

All right, fourth meal, etc.

Are you trying to snack less throughout the day?

Yes.

I mean, I don't really ever see you really snack.

You don't see me snack here.

Okay.

So yes.

Yes.

I have a little tub next to in the hamper next to my futon.

I keep like snack food, like

cheesy crackers, that kind of stuff.

In an average week, you exercise A, rarely, two or four times, five or more times.

Rarely.

Rarely.

Do you find that your lips get chapped year-round, or you often get really thirsty?

You're always thirsty.

You're always drinking.

I am always drinking, so I'll say.

And your lips always look like they're like, you know, they look like too

parched.

Like dry, rotted rubber bands.

Okay.

I wasn't aware of this.

This is some of my, this is causing some of my romantic issues.

Nobody wants to kiss those lips.

They're like, two dried-out rubber bands.

So yes?

Yes.

Okay.

Do you smoke?

No.

Are you concerned about urinary tract health?

Yes.

Why you say it so vehemently?

Oh, because it helps, it's related to kidney stones and such.

Oh, and plus, aren't you also now frequently urinating constantly?

I usually do.

I have the bladder of a five-year-old, but I think that was back from my drinking days when,

you know,

drinking all that beer, it goes right through it.

So now there's nothing you can do about it.

You're stuck now with like supposedly

the bladder of a 90-year-old.

From what I read, I'm supposed to try to hold it as long as I can, and that's supposed to increase the bladder size.

It's supposed to increase the strength of your bladder?

It's supposed to help it grow inside.

Have you been practicing this?

Yeah, like, you know, you're sitting there shaking your foot, shaking your leg, like, come on, come on, come on.

I got to go another five minutes.

Has your doctor recommended you get more iron?

If I had a doctor, I would say no.

No?

Yeah.

How do you so we really don't?

Well, if he, no, I don't have a doctor, so there's no way he could have recommended it.

So no.

No, okay, you're right.

Okay, we're onto lifestyle.

We're onto values.

Declan isolate that.

For traditional Eastern medicines, like

you're a believer, you're open, or you're skeptical.

Oh my god, this is like

I have to see this is something I.

What if you're a Christian?

Well, it's Eastern medicine, so I don't think it's religion.

It's all, I mean, it's all wrapped up in religion.

I would say I'm skeptical.

It's okay.

You are a skeptic.

No, no, I am unsure without more information.

So let's say I'm open.

All right.

If a new product with promising research is available, you want it first.

You're cutting edge.

You learn more.

You're cautiously optimistic.

Or you stay away.

Conclusive research takes time.

I would say I stay.

Yeah, I want to see the results in other victims.

Last question.

Tom could try first.

We're glad to have met you.

How did you hear about us?

This won't affect your recommendation.

From a friend, article, or blog, Facebook, Instagram, podcasts.

Podcasts.

If they asked the podcast, I know I'd put in TESD.

Reviewing your responses.

You're checking the research.

Finalizing recommendations.

Boy, just waiting here.

Your recommendations are ready.

Choose what you'd like to see.

You can select more than one.

oh my god they've got powders they've got all sorts of stuff here quick sticks

i don't know what to do here let's check your vitamins i would say vitamins yeah

okay they recommend for trouble sleeping at night some magnesium

um they told us you you rarely eat fruit so they recommend b complex okay uh your hair is thinning so carotene okay

uh oh you told us you haven't you never eat fish so they want you to take some fish oil Well, my father takes that, so it can't be that bad.

You're lacking, you're looking for urinary tract support, so cranberry.

Okay.

You live above 37 degrees latitude, so they want you to take vitamin D.

I guess it means you don't get enough sunlight.

You told us you tend to feel worked up after a stressful day and are trying to snack list.

We recommend

Ashwaganda.

Ashwaganda, wow.

Hopefully, we'll learn more.

It's an adaptogenic herb that's been used in traditional ayaverda for centuries.

Recent research has shown that ashwagandha can help support a healthy response to stress and help reduce food cravings

associated with stress.

Okay.

I would say I stress eat.

It is one of these, like,

you know, foreign land

medicines.

Oriental on fire?

Yeah, it's like, it's, it's like.

Are you recording?

A Jedi kind of deal going on here.

I'm bummed out you're not going next week.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I didn't know you were working.

Sorry.

Doing a podcast here, man.

All right, so we're almost done.

We're almost done with take care of.com.

That take care of.com.

We're almost done with that takecareof.com survey.

All right.

They've given you a plan.

Okay.

And

we are going to implement this plan.

And we're going to check back in with you after you've been on this regimen of the takecareof.com vitamin plan.

Okay.

Check in.

We'll see in 30 days.

See if I'm any healthier.

See if they see how the hair looks.

See if the stress has been alleviated.

See if you've got the

you can hold your bladder for more than five minutes.

Yes.

That's that would be a

and see if those lips look any more supple and moist.

Hopefully.

Hear that, ladies?

Check back with me in 30 days.

That's Ming Chan, of course.

All right.

All right.

30 days later, we'll check in with you again.

See you later.

All right.

All right.

Bye.