#453: One Boob Out

Kellen Steve Dave sat recording in the comic store but Brian Q felt that they needed more.

Phil Marketing Women Adventure and Cruise Bry just wanted to debate how protective publics cannot have to lose So they travelled, Q traveling and hitting pavement, Bri providing abundances of vague navigation But whether they win or lose, triumph or fail, listen to this podcast and they will regale you with the tale

Space Monkeys

I think y'all can do better than that.

Are y'all ready?

All right, I got the space monkeys.

Yeah, coming to you.

It's Brian Johnson and Brian Quinn.

There's absolutely no videotaping, guys.

If I see videotaping, I'm coming out there.

Let's sit here together.

Thank you for coming out tonight.

Thank you.

We just, oh yeah, welcome to Space Monkeys.

Yeah.

We just had an interesting, very short exchange backstage regarding the show.

And I was like, I go to Judson, I go, I might be too drunk

to go out there and do the show.

And then you turned to me, and what'd you say?

I was like, I think I took too much.

In a very general sense.

He took too much.

Well, I've been sick, so I have to take cough syrup.

What the prescription cough syrup,

people refer to it as like purple drank or lean if you're on the the west coast.

I have to, otherwise, I have this cough.

And then when you add all the other stuff in that, you know, may not be prescribed, but is fun nonetheless,

I'm probably going to say some stuff tonight because.

I'm glad you said that.

Because

if you, does everybody here know what they're getting into, right?

Everybody, nobody's here by accident.

Nobody wandered in looking for a fun show

because you're not going to get that.

It's going to be pretty horrible.

Disgusting at times.

So with that is,

nobody could record this.

Don't be the wise ass that hits record on your phone and puts it in your pocket to try and get it.

Do us all a favor.

Please don't record this because I don't want to lose my job.

All right?

So just that's the only rule.

No recording, no pictures, then we'll go from there.

And my reasoning is the same.

I don't want you to lose your job because I will lose this job.

I was, you'll appreciate this.

If you're a listener of Tell Him Steve Dave,

podcast I do with Q and my other buddy Walt Flanagan,

the Baron,

you know that my mother Pam is crazy.

She's

like a crazy lady.

She thinks she's Wiccan.

So whenever I travel.

And what is Wiccan?

Could you just, for everybody that doesn't know.

I don't know.

Can somebody describe it to me?

It's like white magic.

You worship.

You're a witch.

You're like a white witch, right?

Yeah.

Which is weird because she really likes evil witches like Maleficent.

She likes

Wizard of Oz.

Right.

Well, there's good and bad witches in The Wizard of Oz.

There's both.

Yeah.

But so when I travel anywhere, she's like, I have to put a bubble on you, a protective bubble.

The Wiccans have figured this out.

The fucking airline industry hasn't, you know.

But somehow the Wiccans have figured out that if you cast this spell, it'll put a protective bubble around your mode of transportation.

And,

you know, like the same as there was a saint, somebody or other who helps you along the way.

St.

Michael, St.

Peter.

I got to be honest, I only just now started focusing on this conversation.

So I'm a little lost as to we're still talking about Pam.

That's a really good point.

Because we both get distracted very easily, and I lose my focus within seconds.

So please pay attention to what we're saying.

So when inevitably I'm like, what was I saying again?

You guys will know, and then kind of remind me.

But anyway, so Pam is like, every time I go somewhere, she's like, all right, I mean, not like, you know, to the store or something, but you know, traveling.

She'll do this protective bubble.

And so she texts me before we leave, right?

Because I told her, Sage, you know, my, if you know Tom Steve Dave, you know Sage,

my 14-year-old kid, got Down syndrome.

They wouldn't let her on the boat.

No coronavirus, no Down syndrome.

Yeah.

Well, we didn't want everybody to catch Down syndrome.

Right.

We figured

we would do it.

So I said, you know, Sage, asked if she could stay at your place tomorrow night.

Pam says, absolutely, smiley emoji.

When and how do you go on the cruise?

Need to bubble you, smiley emoji.

I said, we leave early Sunday morning, so I'll drop her off mid-afternoon tomorrow.

Pretty straight, right?

Yeah, I got it.

That'll be great.

Are you flying?

I say, yes, it leaves from Miami.

She goes, are you driving to Miami?

No, Caps,

exclamation point.

Why would I?

Question mark exclamation point.

She writes, don't know, just trying to gather bubble info.

Smiley emoji.

Do you think your mother feels in her heart of heart?

Because she buys buys into this.

Yeah.

She believes it.

Do you think in her heart of heart she was like, on that horrible morning, she was like, if I had just put a bubble on Kobe,

he would.

What?

You're acting like he's hit something bad.

I think you're onto something, and we should go after my mother.

No, like, you do legitimately, like that one example aside,

do you think that if she was like, oh, if only I had put a bubble on him, he would not have died?

She believes it.

Yeah.

She believes it.

That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, she's like, if Kobe's mother was a better mother, we'll practice a little white witchcraft, maybe Kobe would be alive today.

But so many people loved Kobe.

And nobody loves me.

Right.

No.

But like, so many people loved Kobe.

And like, so just because nobody took the act of putting a bubble on him, like, all that love didn't save him.

Like, there wasn't one Wiccan Kobe fan who could have been like,

Well, they don't have his number, so they can't harass him about the emojis and the bubble and this and the that, right?

They don't know his travel plans.

No, because what I found out

is that this series of emojis that follows after I finally give her the goddamn information she wants

is

rainbow car, rainbow plane, rainbow boat, smiley emoji, kissy face emoji.

All right, so good.

All right, it's done.

Or so I thought.

I thought it was done, but it turned out it wasn't.

Because when I dropped Sage off, she goes,

she starts the line of questioning again.

She's like, how are you getting to the boat?

And I was like,

What do you mean?

I was like, we're flying to Miami.

And she goes, well, but then how?

I was like, we're going to drive.

She goes, you're driving all the way there?

I go, all the way where?

What are you talking about?

And I don't know why the fuck she didn't think like it would leave from Miami, but since it's left from Tampa or New Orleans in the past, she thought I was flying to Miami to drive there to then leave.

And I'm like, what the fuck does it matter anyway?

You know?

And then later on, Mary Beth explained it to me because I didn't.

And she's done this so many times.

Not like this is the first time.

She just explained it.

She goes, well, she's asking you all this so that she knows the order that she should put the emojis on.

Like if I'm driving first, that comes, then the plane, then the, like, that's why it was so important to know each leg.

And I hadn't thought about that.

I hadn't thought about how much time she would put into something like that.

And then I was like, who the fuck cares?

It's a colossal fucking waste of my time.

I don't want to tell you every fucking leg of the trip.

Put one fucking bubble on or don't.

Because sometimes I wish I were like Kobe, being like, oh, good, she doesn't know the fucking leg I didn't tell her about where we fucking, you know, backpack a little bit to get to the goddamn like holy shit, man.

And that's how you started your little vacation?

That's how it started off.

Yeah.

Wow.

Is that why you're all hopped up on this on the goof pills?

The

I need it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I need it.

I knew it.

Yeah.

Or like the cruise.

What a fucking.

Good time the cruise is.

I mean, you know.

That was not convincing.

That sounded like everybody's having a really shitty time on this boat.

Don't need it now.

Don't need it now.

Because at first they're like, wait, the good time, are you including this?

Because that may affect my decision.

We want to bring someone out, though.

Yes, can we?

Someone to, I would say, as much time as he's put in, even to the point where, like, when I was,

if you weren't here two years ago, at one point I was abducted by Indians, real American Indians, who forced me to drink their firewater, and I was like a half hour late, and Adam filled in.

Yeah,

that's how the story went exactly.

We were on the cruise, and we were supposed to start the show at midnight, and at

12 o'clock, he still wasn't here.

12.05, I started the show with Adam Green, came out and hosted the show.

12.32, he walks in and says that he was was kidnapped by Indians who gave him fire water, and that's why he wasn't at the show.

That's what these people are to believe.

And it sounds not true, but then

it was true.

No.

It was true.

It wasn't true.

I was by the casino, whatever that bar is, and there were American Indians there who I was sitting with and hanging out with, and they were buying me drink after drink.

Okay, so far, there's been no abductions, and what is fire water?

Like, you're buying them, like, what are you talking about?

Well, that's what they were calling it.

Okay.

They?

Yeah, the Indians.

Okay.

Yeah.

I liked them.

They were pretty rowdy once they got here, though.

Yeah.

They were annoying when they got here.

Yeah, then they sat right there where those white reserve signs are and just annoyed me the whole show.

And I couldn't even say anything about it because I'm a fucking white man.

That's right.

And I can't tell the Indian to shut up because we gave them the blankets with the plague all over it.

Didn't you give them a second set of Joker's beach towels that were impressed?

I was like, take this gift.

So anyway, let's bring out Adam Green.

What an intro.

Dance, monkey.

There you go.

Dance face monkey.

So you guys know Adam.

He's a wonderful, wonderful friend of ours.

He's an accomplished director.

He's the man keeping my style of horror fucking alive, that's for sure.

Adam did, of course, direct me and Victor Crowley.

And he's an excellent friend, and he's, like you said, just a sweet all-around guy.

Man, I'm drinking all this delicious RH beer.

And I got to tell you,

it gets me where I got to go.

Before we came on him, I was looking at his RH beer plug.

And I was like, do you ever feel really guilty if you drink another beer now?

Like, or if somebody should see you doing it?

And he was like, no.

And that was it.

I don't.

Why the bucket's not available everywhere.

Adam,

have you

like when you're going out, you're trying to score some tail, some trim,

and you're a movie director, but like where you live, that might not be enough.

Just to be like, oh, well, I'm a director.

That's the problem.

So when you say, like,

when you say, they're like, oh, well, what have you directed?

And you tell them some of the horror stuff.

And then you're like, oh, but I also directed frozen without further clarifying.

Does that help you?

Yes.

It does.

It gets you the soccer mom's death.

Well, it depends.

Well, or if I'm shooting real young.

This is my favorite part of every cruise because inevitably there's somebody who walks in here because they're just like, Q's cute.

There she is.

And then they leave fucking horrified.

I'm still cute.

Well,

no way.

There's a transformation when they come in and they're like, oh, I sure hope he tries to find Larry, you know?

And then

you're talking about like, hey, you want to hear some more Nazi stuff?

You ever hear the Turner Diaries?

You know, like that kind of shit?

You know?

Then they're like, oh, he turned into a monster right before my eyes.

Like the howling or something, right?

Well, so yeah, I made a movie called Frozen, right?

Thank you.

Oh, you saw it.

And so that came out in 2010.

The 10th anniversary was like a week ago.

And it's about three skiers that get trapped on a chairlift.

And then four years later, Disney puts out Frozen.

And so for the rest of my life, I have to keep hearing, Let it go, and let's build a snowman.

Go fuck yourself.

And

last week, it was announced that the new Saw movie, instead of calling it Saw, whatever, 12, they're calling it Spiral, which was my second movie, Spiral, which came out in 2008.

So

I can't wait.

If somebody names a movie Digging Up the Marrow, I'm calling bullshit on that one.

Was anyone here for that last year?

So, really quick, just a public service announcement.

Tomorrow night, I'm showing a movie called Chilorama.

Kane Hodder's going to be here.

Q's going to be hosting.

And

if you have never seen the movie and you want to bring your kids, don't.

Like, it's,

there are so many bodily fluids flying around in this movie.

There's giant sperm.

There's a Jewish Frankenstein.

There's so much sex.

Like, so, yeah,

it's not like the cute Adam Green thing with the dog and the Arwen and that.

Like, this is the really sick shit.

So don't, don't bring your kids.

The first year, I was asked to explain what fisting is

to a seven-year-old.

This is why we put these shows at midnight in the hopes that people will not bring children.

Adam doesn't mention it was by his eight-year-old girlfriend.

Can you explain this to my little sister?

Well, so I did.

No, actually, I didn't.

You stopped me.

I said, when a man really, really loves a woman, actually.

Or hates her.

So, you guys missing the Kobe talk yet?

We're going to go full ahead with this with the fisting?

That's what we're going to do.

All right.

Make a mental note about how many seats and microphones, because right now, you're like, man, who else?

Just wait.

We definitely overestimated the number of people who are willing to risk their careers.

Well, all right.

Well, what do we got in the note, both?

Well, we should have, well, is Jim Brewer here?

Because Jim said he was going to come by.

Don't clap yet, because I don't know if he is.

Brewer's not here.

Brewer is not here.

Maybe he'll show up.

I sure hope he does make sure he's here.

Shea's here.

You want Shea?

Jim?

Shay can come out.

You want to come on out, Shay?

You want to come on out, Shay?

In fact, yeah, you should.

Come out.

Shea!

Shea, everybody.

Wherever you go.

You're on the leg.

Yeah, sit here right next to you.

Sit right there.

I'll go here.

How are you guys?

She sat so far away from me.

I directed Frozen.

I'll see you later.

We should round it up.

Maybe we'll save this one for Jim Brewer, but we'll round this out with two more very funny guys, Casey Jost and Joe Mburgio.

Oh, they're coming out.

They should be here.

They said they were here.

Are they here?

Wiz and Burg's sweater.

Where is that guy?

He's wearing the best sweater.

It's just amazing.

Oh, there he is.

There he is.

Look at him.

I guess Casey's career was too hot.

He didn't show up.

Look at this lovable scamp.

Hey, guys.

How are you doing, bud?

Thanks for having me.

This is great.

Okay, hello.

So, Joe, for you guys that don't know, is a comedy producer on Impractical Jokers, which is just a way of getting around the union rules.

If we called him a writer,

who's a scab in this situation, me or you?

I think we're all scabs.

If we called him a writer, we'd have to actually pay him a fair amount and he'd have to join a union and stuff like that.

So instead, we go, you want to produce some comedy?

By writing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it.

That's a good one.

They got me.

That's why they call me executive producer.

It's very good.

They just cut me out of it.

It's upsetting.

Anyway, so here we are.

So I don't know what Casey is.

I don't know where Casey is either.

All right.

Casey will have to explain.

Well, this is.

Most people don't like Casey anyway.

Is that true?

Do you guys not like Casey?

Come on now.

Has anyone here ever written a comment about Casey on the internet?

What was it about?

I don't know.

He's annoying.

No, I'm just kidding.

You're totally kidding.

I'm totally kidding.

I did it.

Remember, we did,

we were in Asbury Park, not this past Super Bowl, but the one before.

They asked if I would do a podcast on a, it was a sports podcast, which is weird because I don't know anything about sports, and I think they knew that.

But it was like it was a live thing, and there were several different people.

Joe was there, and Casey was there.

And the guy who was hosting it, this is really disappointing to me because

Joe and I started talking about.

Do you remember this?

We were talking about we wanted to make a road trip movie.

This is pre-Jokers, too.

So now it would just seem derivative since you guys are the first people to ever make a road trip movie.

But I was like, what if

we

dressed unearned?

I didn't say anything.

I didn't even mention a movie.

What if we dressed up Joe like he was a little boy and I was his dad?

Yeah.

And we played it straight.

Road trip movie.

And then, whoa!

What's going on?

Joe's not looking so cute.

They're going on a road trip.

I apologize

for everything that was said in the show, guys.

I apologize.

Why don't you go to Murray's fucking book reading?

Fucking Awakened 12.

Why don't you go listen to that?

They can.

You have to buy 40 copies in order to get in.

You're about right, though.

Don't you feel bad for Mari sometimes?

I feel like he gets it the worst so badly.

Wait, are you kidding?

They threw him out of a plane, then Sal has to pick up a chicken.

Like,

yeah, but it's a ratio.

It's like if that chicken is Mars plane, you know what I mean?

Like, Sal's such a pussy.

Because he's such a pussy that, like, things like that

are the equivalent of jumping out of a plane.

It's true.

It is true.

I don't know.

I think it's worse to jump out of a plane.

What's that?

Well, God shaved Marr.

We just

finished.

Yeah.

Finished the job.

Anyway, how you doing, Shay?

I feel like you.

Too much?

Maybe.

Yeah.

You took too much as well.

My cheeks are killing me right now.

So I wanted to assemble, I mean, it didn't work out that way, but I wanted to assemble like a super team of comedians who could help me judge something.

But you guys are going to have to do.

You know, what the fuck, Jim Brewer didn't show up.

Hana McFarlane's like, my kid goes to bed early, so I can't do it.

You couldn't even get Casey Jost.

Casey Jost.

Whose most famous

claim to fame is that he's not Colin Jost.

You couldn't even get him.

I couldn't get Colin Joe's little brother.

Yeah.

Wait, they're related?

What?

Yeah.

Could you believe that Scar Joe is going to be Casey's fucking sister-in-law?

How crazy is that shit?

It's weird.

That's awesome.

What's crazy is like, I haven't seen Casey in one Izod shirt, even though his brother does a national campaign.

Oh, I think they preach each other.

I think they hate each other's guts.

I'm going to start spreading this rumor right now.

That was what that was about earlier when we heard Casey talking to screaming at him really on the board.

They had to take him off the boat.

Did you hear about that?

Yeah, we had to separate the Joast brothers.

Colin was trying to get on the boat.

It was the whole thing.

So, anyway, yeah, the funding people had something else to do.

But

Adam, I'll tell you.

Adam's funny, but like he's funny, like dark funny, like the shit he says you can't say in front of most people and not be reported or on a list or like something like that.

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I'll tell you, Adam, I have a very famous friend, right, whose name I don't want to reveal so that we can move ahead with anonymity.

So I'm just going to call him by his last name, his last, the first initial.

I'll call him Mr.

Q.

He's a very cool first name, though the spelling is a bit pedestrian, if you ask ask me.

So he invites me to hang out in his room.

We're up in the Catskills, not just me and him, but

and we're hanging out, we're watching TV, and I'm writing something down, and he's like, oh, what are you doing?

And I said, I'm writing some snaps, right?

You know?

Snaps?

Your mama snap type thing.

He's like, snaps?

And I'm like, yeah,

I want to try to get into the snap game.

I wanted to try it when I was young, but I didn't really have the courage or the skill, so maybe now, after years of

working at it, I'm ready.

Is the intention to write them in advance and then have them ready to go?

Well, I'm going to write them for somebody else.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

He wants that, at this stage in his life and career, become a paid snap writer

is what he's given me at two in the morning in the fucking Catskills, like Mount Airy Lodge or whatever the hell we're doing.

And I came up with,

look.

Well, does anybody even know what snaps are?

Because

half the people in this theater have never heard of snaps because they're over the age of fucking 25.

Like, nobody's heard of it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, young people.

You guys don't know a lot of cool stuff.

You don't know anything about 70s pop culture.

When you hear an insult and you want to say, oh, snap, that was a snap that you just heard.

Different from.

But you use them in like the dozens and stuff, right?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to go to an authority and fucking

whitebread motherfuckers.

Why am I asking?

They're telling us about snaps, right?

There's a whole theme going on tonight.

Anyway, so he's like, hey, it's weird, but I'm going to be doing a live show in front of thousands of people.

How about I read your snap and then we'll gauge the reaction, and probably they're going to love it, so you can go on to become a snap writer.

And I was like, excellent, that sounds like a great plan.

So he goes up there, and I'm watching from the audience, and

he definitely torpedoes it on purpose.

Or he's just not funny because people didn't like it.

It was, what was the joke again?

Well, I'm going to let Shay read it because I don't want these people to be tainted.

No, he should say it first.

See, I thought maybe you should say it first, and then they can compare it

as like his feeble attempt.

I think Shay should say it first, yeah.

Don't you think?

Yeah, Shay, what do you got?

All right, well, now, shit, now you got to tell me what it is in my age.

Well, no, no, no, I wrote it down on a card.

In fact,

I've written a second snap

to unveil tonight, and I'm going to, instead of letting you fuck it up, I'm going to have

to go right to Shay,

who I know will give it the respect and the proper effect and intonation it deserves.

So, Richley,

it's in here.

Is that just your way of saying Shay's going to talk black?

Come on, man.

Is that what you're trying to get at?

Okay.

This is the snap that I wrote.

And he gets up there.

And then later on, he called it back.

But I was, you know, when he looked for it, I had already left because I was in my room considering hanging myself.

I never brought that up until today.

I never fucking mentioned that until today.

I went back to my room and contemplated suicide because I was like, he just fucking tanked my career, this fucking idiot.

But I did the callback, and the callback got a left.

Oh, did it?

Yeah.

I mean, I I wasn't there to see it, so maybe it didn't.

It's a delete

snap.

Yeah.

I improved the fucking can't know the snap.

Like, that's why it's called the snap.

You know, yeah.

You don't fucking snap 20 minutes later, right?

And then have to repeat the joke and be like, come on, guys, it's funny.

They're like, haha, okay, I paid for this, I guess.

You know?

That's what the audience is thinking.

Everybody is confused at what the fuck you're talking about at this point.

What do you even want these people to be watching?

I'm not going to talk about the cough, syrup, and shit.

What's the thesis we're all latching onto?

I'm just going to read this snap to you guys, and then I'm going to let Q read it.

And I want you to notice the difference in everything.

The body language, like,

look, he's from Staten Island.

So there's an inherent dopiness in the expression where

they perpetually don't understand something.

And then when they open their mouths and talk, also there is some degree of glazing in the eye, like

over.

And when they talk, like when they open their mouth, and look, like I said, my kid has Down syndrome and I love her.

But the way she talks and the Staten Island accent are strikingly similar.

He just said, My humor's dark.

Like, they sound almost exactly like.

I don't know if you would even be able to hear it, but

Sal and Sage did a duet to,

I mean, you know, that song, Popcorn?

Who did Sal?

Yeah.

He doesn't know it.

My Sal?

Yeah.

My sal do the duet with your with your daughter.

Yeah, I'll play a little bit of it.

This isn't instrumental.

That's Sage and Sal saying popcorn.

Why does that sound kind of sad?

Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn,

popcorn, popcorn, popcorn, popcorn,

that popcorn,

This is a good hook.

Who the fuck and why do you have that on your phone?

Like, what is going on?

And you pulled that out of nowhere.

Like, you...

No, that didn't...

You didn't naturally segue into that.

You had to fucking find a reason to play that.

And, goddamn it, you found it.

God damn right.

Nobody was leaving this place without hearing that, no matter what it took.

I needed to prove my point.

I think I did.

I mean.

Nobody knows what your point point is.

My point is that Sage and Sal have the exact same accent as do all Staten Island people.

Okay.

What's your previous point?

What are we reading off the point?

The previous point.

Oh, the snap.

That's right.

Why isn't Jim Brewer here?

Yeah.

Jim Brewer.

I was looking forward to it too because I had a whole bunch of Jim Brewer stuff.

We'll get to the snap in just a second.

But

read the fucking snap.

But what Jim Brewer doesn't realize, and

I knew it, but I did not remember it until I was doing a little bit of research, is that in 1995, Jim Brewer was played Randall

in the unaired clerks pilot.

I remember that, yeah.

That Kevin, you know, Kevin Smith wrote, but he didn't have anything to do with the pilot, and they cast Jim Brewer as Jay, but they called him Ray.

Yeah.

And it never made it to air.

It was terrible.

That's what I heard, that it was terrible, but I wanted to tell Jim Brewer, like, dude, you you didn't know it back then, and you didn't know it.

Oh, he was Randall.

Right, yeah, he was Randall.

Yeah, he was right.

And you didn't know it was.

I'm sorry, did I say Jay?

Yeah, no, you said Jay.

I met Randall.

You didn't know it in 97 when we met at the Goodwill Hunting Premiere.

I doubt he would remember that.

But you played a character based on me.

Like, that's weird.

That's a weird six degrees of separation.

Well, it would have been if he fucking showed up, but since he didn't, I guess it's not.

Wait, you were at the Goodwill Hunting Premiere?

Yeah, I was.

What were your credentials?

I knew Kevin, who was an exec producer.

How long have you been in this business?

The credentials are the people who's why I'm here.

I have no fucking marketable skills or talents at all.

It's just because of who I know.

Tell me about it, yeah.

You produce some good comedy, bro.

Thank you.

Don't be hot on yourself.

Behind the scenes, yeah.

Yeah, not in front of.

No, Lord, no.

You're hideous with the eyebrow.

It's an affliction.

It's a deformity we can't have out.

We can't have you as the face.

You don't want to catch this.

Yeah.

So I wrote this.

And Shay's going to read it.

As it was meant to be read.

All right.

Give her a little glance.

It's good stuff, right?

Shay can't read it.

See?

She loves it.

She fucking loves it.

Do you have an audiobook?

Now I'm nervous and shit.

Your mom is so dumb she forgot the words for the Liberty.

You see what I'm saying?

Oh no.

You got it.

So do you know?

You are my ringer.

What the fuck am I going to do now?

Let her go.

She'll get it.

Oh, gotcha.

No,

the reason it's not tracking is because it doesn't make any fucking sense.

It does too.

I'll see you in a second.

It makes no sense.

But go ahead.

Your mama's so dumb she forgot the words for the Liberty Mutual Jingle.

What are the words?

I don't know them.

Liberty, liberty, liberty.

It's one word.

That's the joke.

You're a fucking comedy producer?

On what fucking show?

On what fucking planet?

That has nothing to do with commercials.

For fuck's sake,

you're in the TV industry.

You're supposed to know all this shit, man.

How did the horror director get that before the comedy producer?

That's not even a jingle.

It's the same word over and over again.

Right.

And that's why your mama's so dumb, Joe.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Fuck you, your fucking mother's son.

I don't get the joke either.

I'm from fucking Staten Island.

You can tell by my eyes.

The way I talk like Brian's kid.

For fuck's sake, these are the same.

Let's give that one more try.

Oh, all right, I like this.

I feel like it's diminishing returns.

Watch me fuck up again.

Your mama's so dumb, she forgot the words to the Liberty Mutual jingle.

Oh, I know.

Now we're talking.

Now I get it.

I felt that.

That hit.

I got it.

I had to get into it.

Hey, can I do one?

I only have two, so no.

I told you, I have to.

I have a little bit of trepidation here, man.

I have to proceed with caution.

Like, my best friend in the world goes up there and fucking is like staring at me as he fucking misdelivers a fucking brilliant line, like, to purposely bring me down.

Because that's the thing about these famous guys.

Like, they all want to keep you at a certain level, you know, because they're fucking narcissists that fucking have this incessant need to feed the ego.

And part of that is watching people around them fail, or at least not do as well as they do.

You didn't know that either?

No, I'm still relatively new to the business.

Brian Quinn, I cannot tell you how much I love Brian Quinn.

He is such a fucking great guy.

Like in many, so many ways that like people will never know.

He's the best.

You don't have to say that just because you...

Just because you savaged me.

I was talking about this other guy.

Okay, so here's the second snap.

Yeah, your mama's so dumb, she forgot the words, the Liberty Mutual Jingle.

That was the first one.

Yeah.

Now this one, no, it's just...

This is like death jam snap reading, okay?

So

give it a good once over.

Get it in your head, like, you're not sitting up here with a bunch of fucking crackers, you're with your homies, right?

So you

pretend SNL just ended and Night at the Apollo is coming on.

And you don't change the channel right away.

Shay Black Power.

All right, I think I got this one.

Your mama's so fat, her DoorDash delivery instructions say team live.

Yeah.

That was perfect.

These people, they're fucking IJ fans.

They're dullards.

They don't know what they're doing.

What do we see?

You don't watch Deaf Comedy Jam?

No.

How many DoorDash users do we have?

I don't even understand it.

DoorDash?

Joe, have you never ordered from DoorDash?

No, I have some credits to DoorDash, but I haven't taken the plunge yet.

Your mom is so fat.

I've got this livery instruction say

Team Lift.

Have you never...

Okay, so I guess you guys have never gone to, say, like a box store to buy furniture.

No, it's too heavy for one person to lift.

So it says team lift on the box.

I thought it was an anti-Uber joke.

I thought it was an anti-Uber.

Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

I thought it was L.

Because DoorDash Lyft, Uber.

Yeah.

You'd fucking, this is the problem with fucking millennials.

This is the fucking problem with you guys, man.

You're like, is it an app?

Can I fucking record myself and get attention on it?

Then I don't want to fucking hear about it.

I'm talking about old school going into a fucking Lowe's.

You know?

You know, Lowe's.

Taking something off a shelf that's too high, that's too heavy, and doing it anyway.

You can't do a team lift.

Team lift.

Yeah, the problem is definitely the audience.

It always is.

It always is.

They should have connected the dots about Lowe's in the 1970s

and really drove that joke home.

It is a big problem, you guys not caring about shit that I care about.

Come up here.

I want you to be the millennial representative.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, come on up.

I think we got enough seats.

You're going to regret it.

No, she's going to be good, I can tell you.

I don't know if she's a millennial.

She has a Polaroid shirt.

Oh, that's well, that's like hipster millennial.

That's like a horse shit, right?

Did you guys know there was a guy in the audience?

Oh, no, there's several.

What?

I thought it was all women.

My eyes are still adjusting.

I was like, this is such a good-looking crowd.

Oh.

It really is.

You're a good-looking crowd.

Yeah.

You got to pick up that microphone right there.

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Hi.

Hey, so how old are you?

18.

You're 18.

What do you care?

Do you know?

I made frozen.

It makes you feel better.

What What do you care about at 18?

I mean, me personally?

Yeah.

I'm like an old soul.

I like music, like Elvis.

Elvis?

You're saying that because Q's up here.

Probably like Tom Petty.

I do like Tom.

Johnny Kettle.

Put that down and get out of here.

Go back to your seat, goddammit.

Fucking believe it.

Get off his lawn.

Yeah.

Here's a good question.

You know what?

Yeah.

Are you still in school?

High school?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Then you should stay up here to answer this, all right?

So

my kid was cheerleader.

I love Sage.

She's awesome, right?

She is the greatest.

I watch your videos of her.

Oh, my God.

Again, if you're not familiar with Sage, she's my niece, but she's lived with me for the past 12 years.

I maintain that she

is funnier and has better comic timing than definitely one, possibly two of my former co-stars of comic book men.

100%.

So, wait, okay, this is where you guys come in.

What was I just talking about?

High school, high school.

High school.

Okay,

so

if the opposing,

if the opposing school's team, they have like a lion mascot, right?

And I come into the gym, because like I'm on Sage's side, so like, you know, the lions are the people I don't like.

So if I come in dressed in full safari gear with a functional shotgun,

But it's not loaded.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Is that like an issue?

Like, should that be an issue?

You know, I'm not going to hurt anyone, and I'm just trying to razz the other team because you don't win unless you put them on edge.

Like, when I was young, people would, like, they would,

if somebody was shooting a foul shot, they would be like,

airball, like, in hopes that, yeah, there would be an air ball or

they don't do that anymore?

Do they still say choke and airball?

Yes.

All right, they still do that.

That was before

Columbine.

Oh, my God.

Well, no, I'm just saying, like, now if you have a gun, it's a different thing.

What if you had a net?

What if you were a hunter with a net?

You know how people catch lions with nets?

And I don't have a question to ask Adam.

Now you're hunting hornets.

I need some.

Yeah, if a net, people aren't going to care.

A shotgun, people care.

So that's why that's.

What about like a trank gun?

Like, you're hunting to tag them and then release them.

Ooh, yeah.

You know, so you're going to get the other team, you're going to fucking dart them, tag their ass, send them back to whatever shit whole high school they came from.

There you go.

Yeah.

All right.

We got to figure it out.

We don't need you for that.

But how about this?

Don't worry, youngster.

The Middle Ages figured it out.

The white patriarchy has figured it out, just like they always do.

So I'll lie down there and you can take a shit on me.

You can shut her by.

Thank you for my efforts.

We'll be figuring this out.

Yes.

No, but this would be good to ask her because no one really does ask the youth.

This, again, is a school shooting question.

Do you think that

school shootings are less frequent at werewolf schools because silver bullets are so expensive?

Is that another snap?

I don't know what you think.

Where did that even come from?

Don't you think though?

No.

No.

I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever.

You're talking to the mic.

Come on.

I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever.

Werewolf school.

But really, like, statistics have thought about it.

Werewolf high school.

Think about that for the next fucking horror movie.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, like, what's his name?

Michael J.

Fox, like, Teen Wolf.

He was in high school.

It was kind of that, right?

Yes.

I don't think anybody knew he was a werewolf, though.

Oh, they didn't?

I never saw the movie.

Did they not know?

No, they knew he was a werewolf.

I've never heard that.

Yeah, he was dancing around the top of Styles' fucking wagon and shit like that.

They knew who he was.

Wait, are you talking about the Teen Wolf MTV series or something?

That's a different Teen Wolf.

I didn't even know there was a different Teen Wolf.

Remember Remember Jason Bateman?

Jason Bateman was in Teen Wolf 2.

And it was spelled T-O-O.

Yeah, that was T-O-O-A.

Teen Wolf 2.

He was also a Teen Wolf.

And then he was in boxing, not basketball.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

Remember that shit?

I'm going to have another drink.

If you're a werewolf, you're good at sports.

So you're positing that because it's a werewolf high school,

there are less shootings because the silver bullet's more expensive.

Right.

Meaning what?

Like, the kids can't afford this?

They can use other bullets.

Right.

Like regular bullets are nothing.

But like, not only the cost, but think of the effort.

But it's only one night a month.

Right?

I feel like the kids with the silver bullets.

Yeah, that's true statistically.

Only one in 20 days it's possible.

Right.

So you're into

a regular house.

Nine, ten months.

That's nine, ten months.

But if it falls on the weekend, there's no fucking way these people are into this conversation.

There's just no way.

It has gone into like a rambling mode that I don't think they

can even enjoy.

I think the kids with the the silver bullets are the righteous shooters because they're like, What is going on?

Are you taking too much on stage right now?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, everybody's going to be a baby about school shootings.

I guess we'll talk about something else.

This is the second Space Monkeys podcast I've been on about school shootings.

Yeah, they generally always talk about them like that.

There's no point in preparing for this show where you were like, school shootings, that'll be good.

This has to do with school, but not, you know, nothing violent.

Do you guys find when you're driving around, like in the morning or afternoon, especially,

that you find crossing guards really overstepping their authority?

They're so fucking arrogant, right?

Are there any crossing guards in the audience?

Is there anybody who crosses kids?

Where?

Where, where?

Oh, yeah.

It's not that great.

Come here.

Come down here.

Make yourself known.

Don't answer for your brethren.

Why would you involve yourself in this?

It's so odd.

Yeah, you must have known what was going to happen.

Look at her arrogant swagger, too.

You can tell she's a fucking crossing guard by the way she walks.

What if she's flying with her?

She only walks that way between the hours of seven and nine, and then again from two to four.

And not when there's a full moon, because she's a very wonderful.

Otherwise, her shoulders are slumped as they should be

defeated.

Hello.

Hello.

Check.

Hey, what's your name?

Patty.

Patty, what was your name again?

Cass.

Cass, do you obey the crossing guard?

Not usually.

No.

You don't obey me either.

Talk into the goddamn microphone.

She lets me.

She lets like 40 cars go.

Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Sit here for nine hours?

Like, I have to go to school.

Okay.

So what the fuck, man?

Like, seriously.

Crossing guards are like more, way more enthusiastic than regular cops.

They're always stepping out into the road to like, to direct traffic, even though, like, they're, like, there's a kid half a block away.

And it's like, now I have to fucking wait here.

They're directing traffic that they shouldn't be directing.

And I'm not talking, they're you, yeah.

I'm talking about you.

Where do you cross kids?

I had crossed kids at by Stark Weather.

Well, you wouldn't know you're not from Michigan.

No, No, I'm not.

Now that I know it's in Michigan, though, I have a better fucking sense of what you're talking about.

I'm telling you, they're always a problem crossing cards, regardless.

Like when I was basically for elementary kids,

to just get them across the street and because cars will not stop.

They don't care if a kid is in the crossing walk.

They'll just run them over, you know.

It's just, you know, a little bit of jam.

I agree.

I went to, I reported someone for doing exactly that, like passing the school bus.

And I had to go to court, and three times they tried, like, they just continued or tried to not show up because they're like, I will just wear them down.

I'm like, you have no idea how petty I am, motherfucker.

And I went to the bitter end, and that guy got fined 200 bucks for passing the school bus.

I was like,

I got the money, but I got the satisfaction.

So it sounds like you're on the same side.

Like, what's the issue here?

No, in some ways we are, but in other ways, we're completely like diametric.

The funniest one that I ever had was a cop car almost hit me.

The what?

A cop car.

He wasn't paying attention.

A cop car drove by?

Almost hit him.

Almost hit him.

Yeah, yeah.

Coming down the street, kids in the middle of the crosswalk, and the cop guess, I don't know where his city was.

Was he on a cell phone?

A lot of cops talk on cell phones.

Who knows?

Do you think that that cop was a cop crossing guard and was like jealous of you?

Probably.

If you were a crossing guard for a werewolf school, would you be more afraid a couple days out of the year?

No.

No.

What if it was night school, though?

Then you would be afraid.

Oh, heck no.

I got that great big sign.

I'll just beat the living crap out of it.

How old are the oldest kids you cross?

Actually,

I have crossed middle schoolers while

there was a bridge thing that had fallen.

So what's that, like 14 or whatever, like 13, 14?

Okay.

Would you, like, if they were going to transfer you, they're like, look, it's probably the most dangerous neighborhood in Michigan.

And

these aren't middle schoolers, these are high schoolers, but they didn't do very well in school.

So, a lot of them are like 25,

you know, around that age, and they're really angry about shit.

But hey, do you want to fucking cross people or not?

Like, are you committed?

Are you a fucking crossing guard or not?

You know what?

If you treat people with respect, they'll treat you because we.

Yeah, hello.

Okay.

There was.

nice knowing you crossing guard you are fucking arrogant

what a dummy

it's like these missionaries that go to countries where they know they cannibalize people and they're like how the fuck did I get in this soup pot all I was doing was talking about God you you stupid

you don't think that her supposed attitude is is dealing with the fact that like she's trying to protect these kids and there's She's just dealing with assholes and cars all day?

Even the people who are supposed to be protecting the kids are like,

yeah, and you don't think she's at a right to just assume that you're coming down the pike, that you're just another fucking asshole?

Like, why should she look at you and be like, I could trust him to do the right thing?

As opposed to being like, hey, asshole, fall in line.

Right, but if there's kids.

But you'll do you cross adults if it's that tough?

Because

I will fucking go down to like the, you know, I'll walk by the school, but, you know, because I like the scenery.

Just like that.

I have my job, I have to do it.

What?

I apologize.

I said, I know you're old enough to cross the street.

Right, but do you cross adults?

I good job, and I like to keep it.

Can I ask, what was your name again?

Patty.

Patty, I want to hate you so much.

Oh, go right ahead.

It's so easy.

How do you?

No, no, but you're so pleasant.

You're a great person.

That's how they fool you, though.

If she were at a crosswalk, you'd be like, no, she's a bitch.

Patty's a bitch.

Like, that's how you would feel.

Because she would be impeding your progress for no reason.

But you know what?

What

I would have these teenagers and stuff, because they would walk, they're brothers and sisters.

Like perfect.

They were from the wood.

Rogue type.

And

but basically, I would just ask them, I said, you know, I know you're old enough to cross, but could you be a good example for these other kids?

And they would say, yeah.

Come on, that's wholesome.

My eyes are glazing like I'm from Staten Island.

But what is your end game here?

You called the woman up here to watch herself.

You never fucking gave her a single situation to answer for.

I want a radar crossing adults.

Stop overstepping your authority by slowing cars when it's not necessary.

But we have all the power and that's what you're doing.

For those couple hours, yeah.

Do you do it for summer school or in the summer?

You like impotent?

No, fuck those girls.

Not during summer.

Did you ever hook up with a kid or

your crossing?

That's his job.

Yeah, how long have you been doing it?

I don't like this joke.

Oh, only four years?

Yeah.

How about a motorist, like a hot motorist, ever like give her like...

I had a parent once hit on me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How about a film director?

Oh, yeah, does it?

Have you ever seen Hatchet?

What about Frozen?

Yeah.

Why do you think,

do you ever fraternize with the teachers at the school?

No.

No.

They don't have anything to do with you.

Right.

You think they look down on you?

Oh, they definitely do.

Everyone does.

Why the fuck would it the teachers?

Wait, what did you just ask?

I said, do you think the teachers look down on you?

Look down.

Because you just said.

Coe down?

Well, it depends.

If they're six foot, yeah, they look down on me.

I'm only 5'2 ⁇ .

Oh, because you said they don't mingle with you very much.

No, because they're in the school.

Oh, you think they would come out and be like, hey, good job.

Yeah.

No, you want to know why?

Because they don't like either.

No,

they want to get the heck out of Dodge, okay?

They've spent their time with the kids.

They want out of there.

You see many situations where teachers hook up with students and stuff.

I haven't heard the crossing guard hooking up with a student.

That's a novel approach.

Why do you think that is?

Because you guys are so fucking annoying.

Yeah, probably.

That's probably it.

Like, no matter how hot the crossing guard is, it's just like, holy shit.

I'm in high school and this fucking lady is like, hold on.

What age do you think is like the youngest age that she could like as she's crossing students by?

Like look at

check out an ass and be like, oh, that kid's got a pretty good ass on him.

13.

16, because

16.

That's when you start seeing the shape.

Yeah, 16.

What's the ultimate goal as a crossing guard?

Is it like.

Oh, where do you go from there?

Like, is it like TSA?

Like.

How can I become a bigger asshole?

This isn't.

I don't agree with this.

I don't think you're an asshole at all.

I like.

I don't either.

You're very charming.

Again, I want to.

I think you're an asshole, but you're great.

Yeah, and I directed.

frozen.

I should have better feelings for crossing guards because I don't even think

I told the story to Mary Beth

recently.

Mary Beth, my new fiancé, she's in the audience somewhere tonight.

That when I was young, a crossing guard saved me.

Henry, this old mother, I mean, he seemed old.

He had white hair like me, so I guess he was old.

He was 20.

And yeah.

And my mother would send me downtown.

Like I was nine years old, and I had to cross the highway.

Thankfully, Henry was there, but then go downtown and buy these sodas and shit.

Like, if you saw a nine-year-old kid doing that today, you'd probably call like family services.

And when I was walking back, there were these kids who, like, when I think back, were probably only like 13, like maybe a couple years older than me.

But they saw that I had these sodas, like a six-pack of these Cokes that my mother sent me for, and it appeared they wanted them because they started chasing me at full speed.

And I'm a slow person, like I'm not fast, not slow like Staten Island's slow, but like I can't run.

But thankfully, like Henry was there, and these teen hoodlums backed off from the crossing guard.

Although I did drop one bottle and it broke.

So why do you hate crossing guards?

It's like hating Santa Claus at this point.

He saved you.

One crossing guard saved me.

Countless crossing guards have inconvenienced me, so fuck you guys and fuck all crossing guards.

Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah.

Well, thanks.

Thanks for telling us.

I mean, you really gave us no information.

All you did was confirm what I thought already.

What I knew.

That 16-year-olds have hot asses.

Do you want to stay up here and judge a joke?

Pardon?

You want to judge a joke?

Sure.

Like,

we've already talked about snaps.

Shay, I don't know if I'm going to get you to read this joke.

This might be.

Are there any stand-up comedians, even if you're an amateur,

are you?

Who?

Where?

I can't see, man.

Just fucking stand up.

The sleeping child?

Who, that chick?

Yes.

That lady?

She.

If you're a stand-up, all you have to do is judge.

You don't have to tell any jokes.

How ironic.

There's been one good joke told up here all night.

Why should we start with you?

You know, I can't hear you.

Are you coming up or not?

God damn it.

Are you going to come up and judge the fucking joke?

All right.

Why would you be so angry towards her?

Yeah, she's giving a hard time.

It's like, are you sure you're not a pop?

She's not copying.

Are you a cop?

You have to tell us if you are.

She was.

We were discussing that up in the room.

You guys know that's not actually true, right?

This is the lady you want to come up here and really deliver and sell this next joke.

You can't berate her and make her nervous before you send her out to do your dirty work.

Like, she's got to sell this joke.

She's got to love you, man.

Where'd she go?

I have no idea.

Yeah, where did she go?

She's got to want to sell this joke for you.

Right now, she's swimming around to the other side.

She went backstage.

She just jumped over the side of the boat.

You're so fucking mean.

She's so scared of you.

She jumped overboard.

She's delivering it to the fish.

All right, come on out, you.

Hello.

Come on out.

Time to exercise your chops.

What is your name?

Ashley.

Ashley.

I am Brian.

This is Brian.

Okay, Ashley.

Well, sit on you at the end there.

No, you can't.

See what I mean?

Yeah, that's how talking about it.

You mind getting her over there?

Oh, you can't sit next to me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah,

come across over there.

No, no.

How the fuck you're navigating a rocking ship on those shoes is a mystery to me.

That's like a superpower.

What's your term here?

Here, take this.

Who's feeling bad?

What's the term the kids use?

Instant regret.

Is that what they say?

Okay.

All right.

I was going to let you read this joke.

I thought you were a professional stand-up comedian.

Really?

No, is that what they said?

One good joke.

Oh, the mic.

Okay, you could say your joke, and then you're probably going to have to.

Wait a minute.

So, why ya point to her?

Yeah.

This is great.

I love it.

What's the joke?

Oh, my God.

You guys may already know it.

Well, we might not.

No.

Someone out there might not know it.

Can I try it on you?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Staten Island 2020.

Yes.

Yes.

What's the joke?

I'm ready.

I'm ready to receive this joke.

Okay, this is a joke.

So.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

The audience is like, can you go back to school shootings?

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Focus.

You got this.

He's trying to make your whites whiter.

That's really hard.

I'm very black.

Okay, but okay, so

there's a guy in the elevator.

I gotta say, yeah, the annoying millennials are like raised in my estimation.

You find, this is great.

Right now, the city guard isn't looking so bad.

That's because, again,

you guys, she's trying to tell a joke.

You gotta let her tell the joke.

But that contemptuous ego where she's like, I want to sit next to you.

And you're like, she's a genius comedian.

Listen to what she has to say.

Then say it.

It's the important

joke of truth.

I like you.

Yeah, I like you too.

That's why everybody's here.

They like you.

And that's why I want to say that.

You're not unique in that respect.

Did you find a joke?

Tell the joke you got to do.

Tell the joke.

It better be funny.

You got to tell me.

Take your medicine.

I didn't take enough.

Take your medicine.

Here comes the joke.

All right.

Sorry, here's my joke.

If you know what, you can stop me.

So this guy is at the elevator, and this lady comes up, and she's like, hey, hold the elevator for me.

And he says, okay, I'll hold it for you.

And he says, what floor are you going to?

And she says, the sixth floor.

Oh, on the sixth floor, I'm going to donate blood and I get like free t-shirts and things like that.

And she says, and he says, Oh, okay.

I'm going to the eighth floor.

And on the eighth floor, I donate my sperm.

And she says, Okay, whatever.

So then

the next

day,

the guy's in the elevator.

Wait, sorry.

I haven't heard it yet, so this is good.

It says it's good.

Okay.

So the guy says, I'm going to the eighth floor and I donate my sperm and I get $300.

And Leigh's like, oh, really?

I donate my blood and I only get like free t-shirts or movie tickets or whatever.

So then the next day, the guy's in the elevator and the lady comes up and she's like, and he's like, oh, are you going to like whatever floor she's going to?

And she goes, mm-mm.

Not bad.

Good.

That's a solid joke.

That's good.

Yeah, she deserves applause.

That was good.

That was worth it.

That was a good one.

What?

You don't get it?

What was in her mouth?

She goes,

her mouth is full of cum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ew!

Yeah, yeah.

Joe can't conceive of a world where he doesn't swallow.

But you got it.

You got it.

I really thought that was an excellent joke.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Please give it up.

Ashley, right?

Ashley?

All right.

That counts as a stand-up, right?

Well, you, yeah, that's her debut.

Yeah.

She could open for salad.

That was a good joke.

I now respect your comedic opinion, so you can weigh in on this.

Crossing guard, I'm not so sure.

You guys seem fairly humorless.

You're all right.

Shay.

All right, so last year, I made up a joke last year because I want to start a

career as a stand-up comedian.

So I wrote a joke last year, and people seemed to really get a kick out of it.

So I was like, well, I'll write another one next year.

And if they like it as much, like, I keep doing it, and pretty soon I got a whole act right Joe you're a comedy producer what I wasn't listening do you have you ever done stand-up no no it's not really my bag baby you just

wow now I know where IJ gets it from

so wait so you never done stand-up okay so if you weren't here last year I'll repeat the joke from last year

you were here all right And we'll see if people still like it, because if it still works, you know.

You got to workshop it, that's how I do it.

Right, a little bit.

Okay, so here's the joke.

Did you hear about the dyslexic terrorist?

He hijacked a plane on November 9th.

11-9.

That's a great thing.

That's not too bad.

That's a good thing, because their guard would be down on November 9th.

What's that?

People's guard would be down on November 9th, I think.

Yeah.

I think it's an opportune time.

So you're saying it works out?

Yeah.

Everything works for him and for him, yeah.

For a whole bunch of people, no.

Right.

All right.

So

it's good.

That was the killer joke.

So that was last year's joke.

That brought that guy.

I don't know if you guys are here last year.

That brought down the house last year.

Oh, stop us.

What other good 9-11 jokes are you going to do?

I'm sorry, Brian.

I should have blathered for five minutes.

Okay, so here's this year's joke.

All right.

All right, you ready?

This is going to be a good one.

All the Hollywood newspapers are reporting that Adam Green stands just five feet four inches tall.

That means every film he makes is a short film.

And that's actually not the joke.

I just wrote that in case I'm invited to a roast of Adam Green one day.

I'm 5'8 ⁇ ,

which is average.

Tom Cruise is shorter than me, so fuck Tom Cruise.

This one, okay, this one gets me a little nervous because, well, you're not even a millennial.

What are you?

What's your generation?

18?

Millennials hate microphones as much as they hate microphone.

Yeah, sorry.

I'm annoying.

My voice is just obnoxious.

That's true, but we still need to hear.

Okay, so

do you know what a cryptid is?

A what?

A cryptid?

Yeah.

Okay.

Where is cryptid, you know, like messy or like, you know, monsters of the abominable snowman, you know, cryptids, like unnatural cryptids okay got it yes yes right okay so here's this year's joke imagine it being added to that uh that terrorist joke

all right

bigfoot started a business networking app for cryptids it's called missinglinkedin.com

that got a genuine laugh

I mean, should I end the show on that?

That's how we go out?

It was technically a high note.

It depends on if people are tired of this shit.

You guys tired of this shit yet?

I do have a couple of things.

I don't know what to do.

Really?

You think is it strong enough?

Okay, this is where we got the judge.

Hey, would you pay attention for Christ's sakes?

She's writing more jokes.

I know.

In your professional opinion, I'm not going to say what professional I'm talking about.

Do you think that's a worthy joke?

Do you think it's a worthy joke?

Yeah, it's great.

Thanks, thanks.

It's very sincere.

I'll mark it down.

Oh my god, I've never seen somebody's entire existence get dismissed in a more efficient manner than what she just did to you.

Dear diary, I was dismissed by a bubblehead today.

why did I not give my seat up to her so she could sit next to you?

That's all I wanted.

That's all I wanted.

Joe, as a comedy producer, would that joke,

is that acceptable?

Very clean.

I accepted it, yeah.

All right.

And you know it skews younger?

Yeah.

She knew what a cryptid was.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

Did everyone know what a cryptid was?

Or just not cue?

Not at all.

Okay, so we could do this kind of stuff.

I don't know.

They're lying.

They're lying to your face.

They don't want to get yelled at.

Sound like Mary Beth.

You are giving me a lot of things to end the show on.

So you're doing pretty good, but I'm still having fun.

I have a couple of fun things we could talk about.

All right, come on.

All right, this would be a question for, okay, you know what?

Let me ask you this.

This would be, I'm glad you're up here.

Okay, so

it's really late.

It's like three in the morning, and you're like, you can't sleep because you're like, oh, if only I got to sit next to Q, who knows what could have happened.

But that fucking unfunny fucking asshole wouldn't let me.

Just, you know, it's his show.

He thinks he's a big shot.

Not as big as that crossing yard.

That's impressive.

So

you're walking around and you hear some splashes, right?

Would you stop looking at your fucking friend?

Friend, could you come up and sit next to her so she's going to stop fucking staring at you?

Jesus Christ.

My friend wants Q.

That's good.

Wants him to do what?

What are you going to do, bud?

He's literally walking.

This is crazy.

What's crazy?

Who's crazy?

Look at this.

She's a part of it.

She's a part of it and still can't pay attention.

All right.

Brian, finish your joke.

So, here's what happens.

You're out at three in the morning, you hear some splashes, and you notice Q throwing barrels of beer overboard, right?

Marked RH.

And you're like, oh, I wonder why he's doing that.

And then you hear him say, this insurance scam should reap a handsome sum.

Goodbye, Pisswater.

And as he's throwing his own beer into the water, right?

And you know that you saw him doing it.

And you know no one else saw him do it.

Who do you tell?

It's anyone

of what I was doing.

I was throwing barrels of my own beer.

He's throwing barrels of his own beer in the water so he can claim that they were destroyed when the boat got too rocky, but really he's throwing them over.

He's throwing them overboard himself, and he's also saying it out loud so that we, the audience, know

what his is the beer not selling?

Like, why am I not, why am I throwing it overboard?

You're calling it piss water.

You can imagine what the other.

There is no IJ fan big enough that's gonna kiss your ass about this shitty beer.

There just isn't in this scenario, not in real life.

But what's your move from there?

You know, he's gonna perpetrate insurance fraud.

How involved in this situation do you want to get?

I love Q.

Whatever he wanted to do, I would do.

Oh, so there you go.

So now she's holding to a star.

So you keep your mouth shut.

Even Anal.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

What did he say?

I don't know.

I want him.

That one wasn't supposed to come out the mouth.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Oh, shit.

good thing.

Here we go.

So you don't say, you don't tell anyone ever.

She does whatever I want her to do.

Do you let Q know that you know?

Yeah, you know.

If you know,

that's racist.

Don't say that shit.

What?

You're saying that she should blame it on a black male instead of saying that Q did it?

Wow.

That's crazy.

Oh, wait, no.

She should blackmail him for money.

My mistake.

You had me legitimately upset for a minute.

I was like, why would they say, who would say that?

Now I know who would say that.

Yeah, now it makes sense.

All right, so

you could potentially blackmail them, but maybe not for money.

Like one night in the

right

coming to VH1,

blackmailed for love.

It would work.

I bet you we could pitch that show and sell it.

Yeah, like you have a couple girls there and you're like, who could get the best dirt on queue?

Yeah.

You know?

Look, she's ready for it.

She could be like my opponent.

Why do people here hate microphones so much?

I'm so ready for it.

I'm sorry.

Ready for what?

Me too.

Raise your hand.

To blackmail for love.

To blackmail.

To blackmail for love.

Okay, but if you verse your friend, is it anyone's game?

That's hard.

Do girls have a bros before hoes mentality?

Is it a hoe before a bro?

I thought it was sisters before misters.

Is that it?

No.

No, yes.

It's all so horse shit on both sides.

You guys are so conflicted on this.

This is amazing.

So, no?

Because

yes, no?

I don't know what they're saying.

Fuck anybody.

Look, I think it's very clear that when

this is the prize,

when isn't it?

All bets are off, you know?

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

I now exclusively wear pants with elastic bands.

So, you know.

All right, how about you drink as much as I want, not even fucking worry about it anymore?

How about this, right?

Fucking drunk.

My friend is like, you're not going to believe this.

I ran into Q in the casino, and he asked me to meet him at like three in the morning.

Not to help him throw barrels over, though.

He's like, I always wanted to throw a person overboard.

Like, I'm so rich and famous, like, I need some sort of juice, you know, like, like, in hostel, right, Adam?

Like, these guys who are so desensitized to shit, it's like they're like, I need to take a human life in order to feel something.

I didn't direct that one.

So, he goes out with your friend, and you're a little jelly, of course, because you know, you wanted to get with Q as well.

And then you see him, like, not so gentee, just shove her overboard.

She fucking falls into the drink, bye-bye.

Now, you really have something on him.

Do you?

Is your loyalty to your now-deceased friend more important?

I mean, she's probably not dead yet, but she's going to be real soon.

So you may even be having sex with Q while she's gasping her last breath.

She's going down like the third time, just as you're like,

it's the only way I can do it.

Remember that time I fucked up the space monkey show?

True.

Well, if it's depending on what they were doing, like while it was happening,

well, she was struggling and he was laughing

I mean if him and her were together while it was happening it's just a fun little sex game that we do

they're not dating what the fuck don't you understand

it's tonight it's tonight they're not together what she's got her fucking I would dating the chick she would help I would do it she would do it if it's all three of us you don't have to do anything you just have to keep your mouth shut

yeah you have to watch with one boob out and that's the only way Quinn can get off anymore.

Just one.

He's not a fucking slob.

Peace, assholes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

With one boob out.