#452: Die on Every Hill

The only thing I wanted to be was normal.

I could hate you more every time I look at you.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, okay.

She's fucking somebody.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave, the Bri's Bachelor Party Edition.

And yes, we were having a bachelor party.

Want to go around the table?

Well, I'm here, Bry.

We got.

Hey, it's Brian Quinn, co-host of Tell Em Steve, Dave.

Frank 5.

Walt.

Eric Johnson.

Brother Darren.

Hello, everybody.

This is Ming Chun.

Troy.

And Troy.

Wow, this is

a sausage party.

This is much like any other bachelor party I've been to, which is only two.

One was Walt's, and it was me, Walt, and Kev going to a devil's game.

And the other was my brother, Eric's, who dragged me to a drag bar.

It was, what was it called?

It was like Aunt Sissy's.

Aunt Charlie's.

Charlie's.

He fucking loves this place.

He was just talking about it for 20 minutes.

Was he?

He really loves it.

Yeah, it was, instead of a strip club, it was an

immersive David Lynch experience.

Yeah, it was a drag queen bar, right?

But only 65 plus drag queens are allowed.

Right.

So there's 65 and over, which made it even more appealing.

I think Darren's been on the West Coast.

Not Darren.

Eric's been on the West Coast too long.

He just met Frank 5.

Right.

And within two seconds of meeting him, he's like, I can examine your prostate.

And he's like, Frank's not.

No one's laughing.

There's no jokes.

They're like, it's just weird.

Especially Eric.

He said it's like so dead past.

Don't ignore me.

No one laughed.

I remember it.

And I agreed to it.

And I agreed to it.

I take his approximate age and then, you know, I assume.

You look cancerous, Frank.

It was weird, right?

I didn't think it was weird.

That's the weird thing.

It's not weird.

We were like, wait, for me.

So maybe

there are copay involved here.

Right, actually, right before we started, Eric, you were talking about there are professional prostate

models that I guess they work at medical schools?

So, yeah.

In medical school, professional prostate models come and they allow you to stick their finger, you know, in their anus, and then you have to feel their prostate.

And they're actually really good because they tell you if you're feeling the wrong spot.

So, they direct you to feeling exactly where their prostate is.

So, these are guys with a lot of.

I mean, they're highly played.

They get paid like hundreds of dollars per exam.

Is that highly

Like, it's like, it's so costly to the medical school, they only allow you to do one exam.

Now, I asked,

do they bring in some unhealthy ones and healthy ones so you guys can feel the difference?

No,

that would be amazing.

Like, if I could take my finger up some unhealthy guys,

you know, anus

and feel the difference.

Yeah, that would definitely be beneficial.

So, if you have a prostate out there that is unhealthy, you should definitely volunteer.

Multiple students do this like one day, like everybody cracking the same guy in one shot.

Yeah, you do, like, basically, it's a day set up for like trauma.

So, you do the prostate,

you go in, and there's like a 75-year-old woman, and you do a vaginal exam on her that same day, and so it's just like complete trauma.

And then you go home and drink yourself to sleep.

Jeez, it sounds like I would do that.

Like, yeah, the old people, like, you know, know, thinking about being a gynecologist, it's like, it's not just hot girls.

You know how many actual hot girls there are in the world?

It's not that many.

It's not that many that you'd want to just start poking around their vagina with no, you know, with a medical glove.

And then how many.

And then there's the rest.

Right, and how many of them are going to go to you and use you as

their doctor?

Not many.

It's going to be slim.

It's going to be mostly old women.

And I guess if you're in the game for hot vacuums,

you're a piece of shit anyway.

Yeah, I guess.

So how many times did you have to do it?

Unfortunately, you only have the opportunity to do it one time.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, $50,000 a year, you only get to shove your finger up one guy's ass.

Officially.

I'm going to sound ignorant.

Do only men have prostates?

Yes.

Okay.

That's not ignorant.

That's just...

I was just like, why is it only

small?

Yeah.

And it's got to be smooth.

You have bumps.

Why do guys have one?

What does that do for you?

Well, it produces your testosterone and

your urethra.

So if it's enlarged, what does it mean?

Benign prostate hyperplasia, which is the most common reason why men can't piss a lot when they go to the urinal when they're older, right?

So it's like you have your slow urinal stream.

That's the reason.

And what happens if you have a slow one?

What do you got to do?

Someone's got to get up there and you take Bomax.

I mean, you like,

yeah, there's medicine.

It kind of helps you.

But I mean, you don't, everybody's prostate enlarges and your urinary stream slows down.

In the history of bachelor parties and conversations.

Oh, I bet you has been at

a few ones on the West Coast.

Golden shower type talk.

I don't know.

Why is that golden shower going so slow?

You don't think that the medical school could find people who would be willing to do that for free?

Absolutely not.

No?

You don't think that there are like some dudes out there that are like, man, you know what I'd love today?

People coach you, though.

They're not like you.

Like, I could go up to your room right now.

Yeah.

You would

know how to direct me.

He doesn't know his own prostate.

He doesn't know where his prostate.

He doesn't know how his prostate feels.

No.

All right.

You can't do it on yourself, though, and figure it out?

I mean.

Nothing I can reach like that.

Because I like the guy, like the doctors in training, young doctors just can't do like you do themselves to figure out.

What about your roommate?

Like if you're

you guys are just dealing with each other.

Yeah, I mean

I guess that makes menu furiously before the meat changes.

What happened?

I got nothing.

I got nothing.

But why are we changing all the wires?

Oh, there's like 80 people here.

I'm just trying to figure out this whole setup.

We're recording though, right?

We're recording.

He keeps changing minds.

Yes, we're recording.

We are recording.

We are recording.

Yes.

Dude, Zoom's going to take you off their website.

Didn't you do like a sound check before we started?

Not with like all 87 people here.

We're good.

It'll get better as time goes on.

Yes, I am.

This is not a controlled environment by any means, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

So, and we got Darren here.

You're not a doctor.

No.

Not by any means.

Do you think Pam and Edgar are proudest of

Eric?

I mean, undoubtedly, no.

No.

After tomorrow, though?

Oh, definitely tomorrow.

Def, tomorrow, you're the chosen one.

You're the special boy.

At least for 24 hours.

Well, then I'll be married and

legitimate.

I'm legit now.

I gotta say, honestly.

Like it

makes me feel more adult.

Like I'm an adult now.

Like, it's the first real adult thing I've done.

I wouldn't say so.

Yeah, I don't know.

You stopped.

Doctor Child.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a child.

Yeah, that's true.

All right.

So it's like the fifth adult thing I've written.

Yeah, but for some reason, yeah, it makes you feel like, all right, well.

Now I got to really live for somebody else.

Well, what changes do you anticipate being brought out by this new feeling?

Like, what behavioral patterns will change?

Probably I'll try to be more industrious, making more money, because you know you got a.

Horrible idea.

Yeah.

You have an expert voice.

I look around the table and I see Ming, I see Troy, I see Frank Five, I see Walt, all married men.

I see my brother Eric.

Once he was the apple of my parents' eye when he was married, but

now look at him.

He's fallen from from grace.

So when you're in the greater L.A.

area, if you're looking for a cool doctor who has a beach house now.

And a regular house.

And a regular house.

Look up Eric Johnson.

No wonder Pam and I are prouder of him than you are, Darren.

As an added bonus, no problem with fingering asses.

Men's at least, we can assume women's.

So if you're into that.

Zero in on that prostate.

Yeah.

Eric sent me a picture of his

beach chalet.

It's a view of the Pacific Ocean

something else.

Yeah.

Pacific Palisades between Pacific's Palisades melod.

It's worth sticking your finger where they got to go.

Right.

Or taking it.

Yeah, were you ever in a situation where you're like, this person is just too disgusting.

I don't want to deal with this.

Yeah.

Like, in what way?

Like, like, meth people?

Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of, like, I've worked in a lot of very difficult situations.

I had to pull a

unfound tampon out of a woman

who

was...

Toxic shock.

Yeah, toxic.

Oh, my.

There's a man that has a few daughters.

Or grew up in the 80s when that's all they talk about.

But he also didn't know if they had crossed hands.

I thought they eradicated toxic shock.

Well, not

a 45-year-old or 50-year-old prostitute that has lost their tampon and presents to the emergency room, and you're the medical student on staff.

And I bet you the doctors love it.

They love candles.

Oh, yeah.

They're like, you handle this one.

This is a good learning experience for you.

This is what it's all about.

Did they say things like, there's your first one, buddy?

Get used to it.

This is your.

Yeah, of course.

You know, you got like hazed?

I guess that's what you could call it, but I mean, hazed or just, I mean, that's life.

You have to do what you signed up for.

So you knew that was a possibility?

No.

Just like, I'm sure you didn't know the possibilities when he entered the fire department.

Yeah, yeah.

He dealt with a lot of hooked up courtesies and shit like that.

Yeah.

Aren't you glad that, like,

the career you have, like, Frank Five, you're a professor or Walt, a mild matter clerk/slash podcaster,

that you don't have to worry about falling through a roof and you don't have to worry about a hooker's vagina.

Well, I mean, I've had to fucking deal with some bloody tampons at the stash, though.

I'm not talking about that.

I work with two guys who have a fucking cycle.

I think.

Every six.

Me, actually, three.

I got to count myself too.

Very much myself included in that, though.

Hey, wait, was Giddam, how did Giddem not get the cut the invite, huh?

No, he

did get it.

He did get it.

Oh, he did?

Yeah.

Yeah, he chose to stay behind and work.

Making $60 is more important than coming to his friend's wedding.

But he wouldn't be Giddem.

Right?

Like, you know, the most get him thing he could do.

Well, then he would have had to give you a gift.

So now not only...

That's the thing, he wouldn't have had to.

Yeah, but you can't show up to a wedding and not give a gift unless somebody here didn't bring a gift.

And of course you can show up and not bring a gift.

Frank, what was the worst gift you got?

Do you recall?

Or you, Waltz?

Are you Troy?

Ooh, I don't think I got a bad gift.

You know?

I was talking to this couple the other day, and they said that they had a pretty decent-sized wedding, and a couple gave them a teddy bear.

She was like, It was probably like $90 a plate, and this would have been in like the early 2000s.

You know, and they gave them a teddy bear, and I was like, I wonder what, like, what's the thinking behind that?

There isn't any thinking, like, oh shit, we forgot to get them something.

Why don't they stop at a farm?

Yeah, I got some weird, like, bedazzled, like, box.

It was a wooden box, it was like 12 by 12, and the top of it was colored with these little crystal, it almost looked like it was bedazzled.

Anything in the box, maybe?

No, no.

Just an empty box with all these little fake jewels on it.

To keep it?

Maybe the jewels were real.

You probably threw away real jewels.

They're right.

Like, Walt, if I were to ask you, like, who's the most alpha dude you know in real life?

In real life?

Right.

You can't say myself, right?

No, excluding yourself.

I wish you would.

I would think it was you.

Oh, really?

No.

Used to be.

Used to be, I said.

Yeah, not at all.

I would have thought it was you.

I've gotten soft now that I'm a married man.

Yes, yeah, definitely.

I was you at one point for

50-some years against Brian Johnson.

Speaking of which, I met...

Mary Beth's father.

Right.

Does he know how old you are?

Because something he said to me, I met him, it leads me to believe you didn't tell me your real age.

Right, it's like he graduated in 1995.

He said you were 50.

And I was like, what?

He's not 50?

He's like,

I want to kill that motherfucker.

Mama, get my gun.

He said, I bet you, Brian, being 50 years old, never believed he would get married.

And I looked, I was like, he's not 50.

Are you ratting him out?

What benefit is that to you?

I don't understand.

I don't know.

I was caught unawares.

I was just like, I didn't know what to say.

It's the honest wall.

You didn't have to say anything at all.

But I was right.

No, it is another Brian.

It would be Brian the Shell.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's a big alpha dog.

Much like myself, was

big alpha dog.

Well, he puffed himself off to be one.

You would have thought so, right?

He had me tricked up until three days before the wedding

when it was said that he was not allowed to attend.

He would be here right now.

If only.

If only.

He had balls.

If he had some balls on him.

Yeah.

It's...

Right now, what he should be doing is finding the nearest female's vanity, digging deep and grabbing a maxi pad.

You know what's really funny is you throw a wedding in the middle of a worldwide deadly pandemic

and you're like, what an asshole for not coming.

On a Tuesday.

Like, the world hasn't seen the likes of this since 1908.

You're like, what a pussy he is.

1908, the year that Mary Best Father found out Brian was born.

So, um,

so yeah, he called me uh three days before, and I could tell he was torn, he felt bad, but his wife was like, It's me or Brian Johnson,

and he didn't choose Brian Johnson.

Now, the old alpha Michelle that I knew

would be here right now.

Well, get used to fucking, you know, folding like a card table like old Michelle did, because you're gonna have to start folding.

I know, really, like

why is that bad advice?

That is hard

advice.

Why is that bad advice?

Why is that hard advice?

From the guy that pulls the diamond from the bottom of the fucking coal pit.

You know, that is hard.

No, Walter.

Why do you think?

I fold like a motherfucker.

Concert.

I remember.

I remember being 14 years old and seeing you pull up with your girlfriend and being like, God damn, how'd he do that?

Wow, the original pimp over here.

Yeah,

I was very impressed with Walter from the time he met Debbie.

Oh, thank you.

I love this guy.

I love this guy.

Even though he's not a bad person.

But he is

probably.

I talked to my psychiatrist friend who

he agrees that Brian's probably the most alpha person

that I've ever met.

That I am?

Yeah.

Wow.

Was he lying about drinking since 12 noon today?

Oh, no.

Man, where's my fist?

You know, it's horrible to grow up with them because you come home and the girl you've been sweating for fucking,

you know, the entire year

within two minutes holds up her top and shows her bra to this guy.

Might want to cut that off.

All right, great.

Let you agree.

She was held back a few years ago.

It's actually not one.

You could always get those special needs girls.

Whatever you wanted.

Bridge Beach, baby.

I don't know how you did it, baby.

I know.

And to this day,

I'm not in the same way.

Somehow it turned.

Frank, what advice do you give?

Being

two decades married now.

Yeah, 20 years I've been married.

I think being honest is

the best advice I can give you.

Yeah, definitely be honest.

Unless it's about their weight, then don't be honest.

Don't be honest.

Like, oh, do you think I could shed a couple pounds?

Yeah, don't say that.

No.

Don't say yes.

No, please.

I did that yesterday.

Don't.

No.

What happened to you?

No, no, I didn't say that.

No.

Yeah, I think honesty is the best.

What about that folding advice I gave with you?

I never, you know what?

No, I don't fold.

You don't fold?

No.

Yeah, I noticed that about you.

It's competition.

Being competition.

You've got to say that girl's skinnier.

Or, like, you don't have to say anything.

Just look and then, you know, get caught looking.

They'll get,

we could be skinny.

So we've gone around a table so far.

Eric does not agree with any of the

married guys' advice so far.

What about Troy?

Pick the hills you want to die on.

Just throw away your pragmatism.

And fold at the right hill.

I agree.

Right.

Pragmatism and reason goes out the window.

Just be prepared to be like, you know what?

You're right.

Yeah.

She'll get a rationale.

Yeah, because you're going to argue

every goddamn thing.

So pick the ones that aren't worth fighting.

Just say

that.

It's hard for me to argue with an environment.

You're too manly to argue with

testosterone wafting across.

That plastic is probably smelled with testosterone.

That's horrible advice.

Oh.

You don't die on any fucking hill.

No speakers anymore.

Yeah, you dominate.

You dominate.

Every hill is your hill.

Every valley is your valley.

Yeah, that's on the Johnson Crest, isn't it?

Yeah.

Edgar lived out.

These are our hills.

I think, yeah, you could say that Edgar, like, he tried to make every hill his own.

And Pam was the ones called it like a chip card table.

You can't argue with that.

Yeah, that was a weird house to grow up in in terms of like

strange, aggressive behavior all the time.

There was always like the looming threat of something that was going to happen, right?

Like, it was just like the outer shoe is about to drop at any minute.

It's like Aunt Charlie's.

Right.

Have I mentioned them yet?

We should always have Aunt Charlie's.

Disagreeing with all these dummies.

Well, what is your advice then, Eric?

Because

you seem to have a different take.

Yeah, after my collapse marriage,

and my...

Do you want to go into great detail?

Yeah, I was stunned to hear it.

It's all about competition.

Yeah, you should have made it.

Because it don't matter how comfortable you make her.

It doesn't matter anything else.

The only thing that matters is knowing that you can leave her.

Or is it her knowing that you can leave her?

Yeah, her knowing you can leave her.

Right.

And you knowing you can leave her.

And then leaving her.

Right, but eventually leaving her.

And then just keep her in fear, constantly.

I hate to say it, but I'm watching.

This is the one you're like, oh, I love it when your brother's on.

He took a heel turn late in life, your brother.

He used to be the sweetest, most adorable Johnson.

He sauntered up to the table with a bottle of Jameson.

He used to be the French Bulldog Johnson.

He just wanted to hug him.

You just let him run away.

I look around this table, I see a lot of rings

folded in half.

Dude, that's parties looking at us going, what do you know about a successful marriage?

Shitty advice.

You find, though, that, like, had you kept your wife in fear.

Well, you don't mean that.

Fear, fear.

Oh, yeah.

Like, shivering.

I mean, like.

Like, I actively tried to keep her out of fear.

Yeah.

Because.

Like, you're the only one, honey.

Yeah, I know.

I'm a very successful person.

So it's like, so I tried to downplay that for her,

and it fucked me.

Oh, yeah.

Hard.

She's like,

I'm on even keel with this guy.

We're on the same

level.

Yeah, yeah.

I tried to make her feel

like she was irreplaceable.

That was

a horrible strategy.

I'm too busy trying to find out my next folding.

Where's opportunities?

Because I feel that works.

I feel like she's very very happy when I do that.

I can't.

If it comes along and I miss it, I'm dead.

Let me tell you something.

I'm going to be hanging around Walt's neighborhood quite a bit.

I'll have you arrested for

with that itchy finger of yours.

There's a vagrant with a brown finger in my neighborhood.

So do you fold, Frank?

No, he said he doesn't.

Oh, he said you don't fold.

No, I don't fold.

No.

No, sir.

Only if I'm wrong, I'll fold.

Well, you're not folding then.

You're just admitting it.

Because I'm never wrong.

No, I very, very rarely will fold.

Stop doing that.

But I will admit, you know what?

I will say this.

If I am wrong, I will admit it and I'll apologize.

Don't ever apologize.

That's a horrible, horrible thing to do.

I mean, is there anything?

Literally, I teach neuroscience to other people.

I'm telling you right now, it's a horrible thing to do for a man to apologize.

Don't ever apologize.

But even if you're wrong, even if you're like a psychologist,

it doesn't matter.

And should she apologize

to him if she's wrong?

Yes.

That's acceptable.

I'm probably going to lose my license tomorrow.

What do you think, all this, Ming?

I've got to get your...

You know you're married, right?

Most days, yes.

People remind me constantly, yes.

Yeah, the lovely Debbie Chen couldn't make it, unfortunately.

Yeah,

I find it odd that

if you guys would have told me 18 years ago, as I was getting married,

that 18 years later, Brian Johnson would be getting married 20 minutes north of me and in the state of Maryland, I wouldn't have believed you.

It's so weird that

you're, yeah, I got married like 20 minutes from here in the town called on the same day?

Almost.

My anniversary is, let me think.

August 31st, 2002.

That is very close.

Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah,

why down here?

Why are we in Maryland?

She just went online and picked a place that would be equidistant, kind of, from everybody from New Jersey and Ohio.

And this is the place she liked.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What's it called?

It's the Gramercy Mansion in Baltimore.

Yeah, it's nice grounds and everything.

We had a pizza party tonight and what was it?

Funnel cake truck.

Funnel cake truck.

Yeah, I like it.

But yeah, so 18 years.

I've almost made it 18 years.

I think I just nod and smile at this point.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not unlike what I do to most white people trying to get me to do stuff.

I just nod and smile.

I mean, you're the most successful out of anyone I've ever seen in.

maintaining a lifestyle that most married men would be like,

that's not in real life.

That's like a movie.

That's like a TV character.

Is it that bad?

I mean, not anymore because of the pandemic, but had it not been for that, I mean, you were gone like every other weekend.

I was.

And you're not just gone, like a businessman is gone.

You're gone, and then you're on Instagram, like with hot girls and like out at bars and getting free coffee.

I'm living, man.

I'm living.

It's called living.

What's your wife look like?

She's in your picture.

I can't line up.

Why is this a Johnson family train?

Love me some Debbie Check.

Oh, God.

Yeah,

she chose not to come this week, which bummed me out greatly.

I would have loved it if she wasn't.

She didn't want to quarantine when she got there.

Yeah, she's by the book.

She was like, oh, man, you get back.

You got to quarantine for 14 days.

I'm like, really?

No.

I mean, I hope you played safe.

But

yeah, she teaches little kids, so she didn't want to get them sick.

But I'm like, it's for Brian Johnson.

We never thought we'd see this day.

I was just talking to Brian Nichelle.

Do you have any words of advice for the man?

I just nod and smile, for real.

Oh, that's what you're telling me to do?

Nod and smile?

Just nod and smile.

Right out of the gate, I have to get into 18-year-old married mode.

I'm just like, yeah.

Yeah, that's where it ends up.

Yeah, eventually that's where it ends up.

If you last this long, just

yeah.

Any close calls where you're like, okay, that's it, man.

No, not that.

You ever like so angry at each other?

No, no, not that.

It's It's never gotten that bad.

It's never gotten that bad.

I learned, I told that story.

Remember about my parents?

My dad got the video camera and my mom

and we were at Disney World.

And my dad, like I said, we're getting a divorce.

And we were in line.

Oh, yeah.

We were in line for like, it's a small world and shit.

I think that was on one of the Christmas episodes.

And yeah, I saw that.

I was like, oh, man,

I can't put my kids through that.

What a horrible thing to do.

That's how you keep them scared, right?

Yeah.

I mean, he likes his wife.

I mean, I might be.

Yeah, my parents are still together.

Fear.

Fear.

Yeah.

I mean, if you ever get divorced, give your wife my phone number.

Well, would you give Ming your wife's phone number if he's like...

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You can have it right now if you want.

I was like, I'm done with her here.

So this was a blindsided thing?

Or you saw it coming?

No, he got cucked.

Yeah.

I got fucking blindsided.

Big time.

Where are the horns?

Are you?

I wouldn't even say it was big time.

From what you told me, it wasn't big time.

It was.

No.

It wasn't anything, like, nothing like you're thinking.

What's big time to you?

Like, you come home and

you're just completely happy, and all of a sudden she's like, I'm out of here.

And like, you had no idea that she was ready to leave?

No, there was like a little rumbling.

And and then i thought oh it's covet she's not working so much

and then it's like oh fuck oh okay she's

somebody

but you don't know it wasn't as big time as you thought

that's pretty big time yeah doesn't get much more big time than that but but but from what you told me there was um other

other things involved with private investigators not hired by him not hired by

me but hired by no husband of the other person.

And people showing up at my fucking house.

I'm a respectable doctor.

Yeah.

He's got an image.

And people are showing up.

And you had no idea why they were showing up.

You just

fucking blowing my

private investigators, but you didn't know they were private investigators?

No, the wife of the

boom, blown into my driveway.

It's harsh.

Key to his car.

No, I'm just kidding.

That would be awful.

He's like, what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't do anything, man.

I'm like,

fucking on the uppity up.

Yeah.

But I liked that your mind went to, like, well, I should fuck his wife.

Because we talked about it.

I was like, that would be my first thought.

It's like, that's all I'd want to do.

Yeah, and I'd like to say now he never knows if I did or he didn't.

Really?

We'll just have to take her word for it.

Yeah, you'll just have to take her word for it.

Was the other guy a doctor, too?

Because I got a lot of money.

This is what makes it even worse.

Fucking God.

Well, you're trying to drive me down into the fucking ground?

How can you get better than a doctor?

Not only am I a doctor, I'm a doctor that teaches other fucking doctors.

He's like a super doctor.

We're in a fucking hospital.

I'm a fucking medical director.

This guy's job is he was a prostate model.

If only he could be that successful.

He was a handyman, man.

He's the fucking guy that comes into your house, fixes your eyes.

He's your fucking

wow.

Fix your wife.

He's your fucking UPS driver.

like the fight calls like we're everywhere.

Do not fuck with us.

Do not fuck with us.

Every day is the first day of the rest of your life.

Wow.

So that's the fucking bachelor thing you need to remember.

Well, yeah.

Every day is the first day of the rest of your life, motherfucker.

Don't forget.

Tomorrow, I'm just like, look, bitch.

I was talking to my brother Eric.

Things are going to change.

You're going to be scared.

Exactly what you just said.

You think I'm fucking around.

You thought I was on it before?

Yeah.

You don't even know.

You have no idea.

Like, that's right after we say I do.

In front of me.

You shouldn't even fucking say I do.

You should just nod.

She says, I'm like, I thought it was speak when spoken to.

It's fucking submissive.

Fucking bullshit, man.

You can't fucking say that.

I'm showing my underbelly.

Yeah, exactly.

How recent is this?

You would think it was like minutes ago.

That's pretty recent.

Oh, that's pretty recent.

That's pretty recent.

Yeah.

So, like, what's your approach now, like, with women?

I mean, surely, like,

once you've regained your senses.

I don't know if you want to get him on tape talking about any of this.

He's got a career and all that stuff.

Well, I don't know.

Like, do you,

do you do like a dating app?

I can see,

If I didn't have anybody, I couldn't see myself doing that.

A doctor on a dating app, it would just be like your phone would blow up fucking constantly.

Or they would be like houses?

Or they'd be like,

I was looking at one friend.

So my friend, he has the same exact job I do.

He is a doctor, and he's a dating app.

He's better looking than I am.

He's his age.

Better looking than him.

But

dang.

But

fucking.

Yeah, it is.

There's a blow up there.

Yeah, it blows up like crazy, dude.

The same thing's gonna happen to you if you get on that app.

Yeah, but all these kids have these girls, they have all kids and fucking

the kids draw us in.

The Johnsons, we're not good with kids.

We're not gonna be looking for anything serious, right?

You're just gonna you're not looking for anything serious.

Johnsons get drawn in with kids.

We can't look at him.

Look at him.

Darren and Brian, you know, take care of girls.

What's that?

That paternal drive.

Yeah.

To take care of.

To take care of other people's kids.

That's what we do.

Because nobody took care of us.

Wow, wow.

Oh, my God.

Those Sundays.

That is fun.

They're right upstairs.

I should go bar their door and lighted us

hotel on fire.

I needed you.

We made it right.

All right, everybody, let's take a break in the action just for one short spot.

We're talking about care of,

talking about vitamins and supplements delivered to you.

And what you do is you take a quiz.

Very short quiz, and then it's sort of personalized around you.

So care of recommendations come in daily individual wrapped packets that are perfect for getting into a vitamin taking routine.

Quality you can see and taste.

They're super transparent about the research and sourcing behind all their products.

So if you go to their website, you can read all about it.

There's the online quiz I mentioned, five minutes.

It only takes five minutes about your diet, lifestyle, and health concerns.

And then you get your goals and you get your little recommended packet.

So you don't have to go through the vitamin aisle at your local store and try to figure everything out yourself.

I have just gotten them, so I can't speak to their efficacy, but we're going to, we got them from a month's supply.

We got to get them a month's supply, so you know we're going to be able to see some or see some results, or perhaps not.

Depends on just how far gone get them is.

So, care of,

here's what you're going to do: 50% off your first care of order, go to takecareof.com and enter the code TESD50.

For 50% off your first care of order, That's takecareof.com.

Enter the code TESD50.

That's 5-0.

We were at dinner one time and we were

talking Johnson stories, and your soon-to-be ex-wife wanted to confirm a story with me about Pam going crazy.

And I can't recall what she was going crazy about, but

it ended up with her in the closet trying to stab herself in front of us.

Do you remember that?

Oh my god, I don't fucking remember.

It could be any detail.

Oh, we got it?

Okay.

Yeah, the number of times Pam has tried to stab herself.

Yeah, I remember very vividly this one time she was upset.

She was like, knock it off because we were doing something and knock it off, evidently.

And then she's like, I'm going to kill myself.

And she goes, I remember going into her bedroom in an inner closet, and she's sitting on the closet floor, like sticking a steak knife into her stomach.

Like, not hard enough to really do any damage, but you know, like enough to get her children to put their hands on the dangerous blade with her probably

stabbing herself.

Does that get the unruly boys to clean their rooms?

If so, then you know what?

Hey, you worked.

I don't know.

I don't ever remember doing anything productive.

Yeah,

it was a rough house, man.

I mean, you think about if you were 21 when you had your kids.

Yeah, they would have.

Your parents were young, right?

Yeah, they were pretty young.

And then two years later, they have another kid.

And then 10 years later, they make two more mistakes.

Nobody's playing.

What was that part of your guys' religion that you just kept having, like, you had so many kids?

Yeah, or like Irishmen.

No, it's

she has borderline personality disorder.

Whoopam, you think?

Yeah, for sure.

She's pretty nuts.

Think or no?

I know 100% she is borderline personally.

I mean, that's a pretty rough.

She's not officially your patient, right?

Is that a conflict of interest?

That's no conflict of interest, but you read the writing on the wall.

You know, it's like.

She would never let you medicate her either.

She's trying to medicate that shit out.

I thought for sure that she had ADD, too.

I don't know, man.

She memorized like entire college essays and graduated college after I graduated college.

And I mean, how do you have ADHD and you can memorize a three-page essay?

No.

That's pretty smart.

Well, she doesn't have, I mean,

smarter than me.

She doesn't have who, mom?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, I can have some really weird page essay.

I was like,

memory, yeah.

I was like, you can,

I would throw Tracy's memory in with a mom's memory when she's actually studious.

Oh, I thought you were going to say their way way to remember shit, where it's like, that's not the fucking way it happened at all.

Yeah, exactly.

Tracy, I mean, Tracy was quite smart when not dealing with,

I don't know,

not

educational aspects,

like fucking boyfriends, husbands, children, all that shit.

She's fucking not quite up to par, but her educational pursuits.

Would that be considered street smarts or no?

I wouldn't say so.

Since those street smarts or booksmarts.

Well, she did have booksmarts though.

Book smart.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

She's a lot like mom in that sense.

That she was good at school.

Yeah, but 30 years ago.

But then again, it was just like, oh, I have to get married, have to get married, have to have kids, have to have kids.

And then after it was like, doesn't seem all that interested.

Yeah.

You know.

It was some bachelor party, man.

Yeah.

Let me ask you.

It's way better than Alpha Mal.

Who the fuck picked this Impressionist artist's fucking place?

As soon as I fucking walked in here, I knew your fucking bride picked this place, you motherfucking pussy.

The new Alpha Bride was standing in this culture.

I was like, but I like this venue.

I thought this was like where Edgar Allan Poe married his 16-year-old cousin.

So it's in themes.

No, they're giving me some other tour.

What's that?

Yeah, they're like, this oppressionist, your artsy girlfriend picked this place.

Oh, yeah, she did.

Why the fuck would I want to involve myself in that?

It's like, I barely did anything for it.

And to me, I'm like, well, that's what a fucking man does, which is nothing.

She wanted to do it.

So I'm like, go ahead and do it.

It's all about the way you present it, though.

He says it in a way that it sounds alpha dog.

When I folded and let her pick everything, it was because I had no choice.

He just presents it in a much more manlier way, though.

Second choice.

I was like, take care of that shit.

Right.

Wasn't it second choice?

This place was out in.

It was out in Colorado, though, because of the COVID stuff.

Yeah, so it wasn't a woman that shut him down.

It was a fucking worldwide pandemic.

To which point he was like, you know what?

Fuck it.

Have your way.

I don't give a shit.

It took a pandemic to neuter me.

Or make you indifferent.

Yeah, but

even with the place in Colorado, which would have been the Stanley Hotel where Stephen King wrote The Shining, it's like, obviously, I had a hand in that.

I don't think there's any Impressionist art on the walls there.

No, I knew that was your fucking influence.

Then I got here and they're fucking giving me the tour.

And they're like, look at this fucking fluffy painting.

Look at this fucking fluffy painting.

I'm like,

fuck.

I'm like, where's the picture of the guy fucking his cousin?

This is a much different area.

Maybe on your phone.

You know, the old Eric would have been like, oh, I'm going to MoMA and like had his nose in the air and shit.

He's rediscovering his white trash roots.

It was a glass of wine and a stinky pinky.

Now it's an indexed finger because it's long enough to reach the broad stone.

It would be nice if Eric moved back to the East Coast, I think.

He was just talking about it.

And

he was like a more familiar face.

I think it would be fun.

Yeah, like you can introduce you.

Yeah, we can get you out there.

IJ fans.

I'll get you on an episode of IJ.

That'll be fun.

Start doing conventions once the

virus is up.

Sell your picture for a conventional picture.

Meet Dr.

Eric.

That's what we'll call him.

Dr.

Eric.

America's best-known misogynist.

Everybody needs a gimmick, bro.

And that'll work for some ladies.

That'll work for some.

They don't all hate it.

Right now.

With all your talk of keeping women in fear and

not being reasonable with their demands, is like getting some girl out there all excited.

You're on your way.

I believe you.

Yeah, like when you're talking to your patients,

is it like, do you dispense this type advice, or this is

yeah, no, no, no, no, no,

it's, it's a

totally

drop down to like just your basic advice.

You can't ever give advice.

Oh, you try to lead them in a direction.

Yeah.

You look at them for themselves.

No matter how bad or how good they are, you lead them in the direction that's best for themselves.

Have you met some bad people that you're like, I don't even want to ask this guy?

Yeah.

And you don't care.

What are you going to care, man?

You can't care about that.

You just give people the best advice for the direction for themselves.

And usually it makes themselves better.

Hopefully, you know.

You know, you meet horrible people.

Do you see a lot of people getting off meth once you're like, hey, stop taking meth, or are they like, I'm going to just take meth, okay?

You can't even get them to stop smoking pot.

I mean, yeah, no, meth and meth, man.

Meth is something.

I mean, I see a lot of meth and like

people I met 30 fucking years and

that shit is addictive.

But you try every day, you just go in, you just try to stop them.

What are you going to do, Walt?

You can't fucking do shit.

You got to just...

It's like...

Oh, wait, man.

So a doctor's asking me my opinion with you.

Yeah, I mean, what are you going to do?

Somebody comes in every day, they're asking you for a Backstreet Boy comic.

What are you going to do?

You're going to try to convince them to buy something different, right?

One of the Backstreet Boys.

No, it'sn't you like that.

Insane.

So then your job is kind of like Troy's.

You're doing the same thing, right?

You're going to be.

It's essentially the same shit.

Except if somebody's a piece of shit, you get to toss them in jail.

You don't have to sit there and help them.

Yeah, you just have to wonder if they're going to jump over the desk and stab you to death.

Yeah, I wonder who statistically who has a better chance of getting stabbed out of you two.

Probably me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

he's trained.

Probably me.

I would definitely say me.

Yeah.

Do you have any, like, what's your move if somebody comes at you with a knife?

Get stabbed.

Yeah.

That's my main move, is to curl up and hopefully not take it in the kidney.

Offer to examine his prostate.

Yeah.

I'm a certified button toucher.

Yeah, I get stabbed and I shove my finger up their ass at the same time and I say, oh, wait, you have prostate cancer.

You owe me money.

And only I can save you.

Don't stab me again.

So, is this

if we had a regular bachelor party, Walt?

Yeah.

How much are you allowed to get away with?

Like, how far can it go?

Like,

it's like, hey, we're going to watch a stag film is much different than what.

Did you still do that?

I mean, we could bring it back.

I thought, you know, I'll go get my odd panel.

It would have to be in black and white.

Bro, I could change the screen settings.

It has to be dead a minimum of 60 years.

It's there, trust me, it's out there.

Yeah, I probably

would not be at that kind of party.

In a COVID world, though, I mean, you can't take a chance bringing in that kind of party.

You know, I'm sure this fine establishment would not allow you to bring in the kind of

Like how

guys used to gather and watch like softcore porn together and cheer and smoke cigars.

It's creepy.

Yeah, it's so weird.

I mean, when you say it like that, it sounds like it might be fun.

It could be.

We could watch the happy hooker one, two, and three.

Yeah, we're like, we stayed up so late.

A bunch of movies together.

Did you have a bachelor party, Frank?

I did.

Yeah, what did you do?

Upstate, we have something, it's it's like a stag party where people will pay for tickets and the money goes to the groom.

So they come, they have like a big buffet and all that.

And you charge like 20 bucks a ticket, and then at the end of the night, you know, they'll have like 50-50s and stuff like that.

And all that money goes to the groom.

So, yeah, I had a bachelor party like that.

And then afterwards,

we went to the strip club.

Yeah.

I went to the strip club.

You went alone?

No.

Because if I went alone, it would make me sound like a loser, right?

No.

I don't think you're going to outshine outshine Eric.

I went alone.

Now, I wanted to ask you,

tomorrow, when the ceremony is happening,

I want to get your approval of this before I do it.

After

the Reverend or the man of the faith announces your man and wife, I was going to stand up and scream, tell them Steve Day, would that be appropriate?

That would be the best thing.

If you hadn't told me and did it, I would have been like, I didn't think,

I could not have dreamed of a moment like this.

That would have been fucking awesome.

Everybody's startled.

Oh, kid, I wouldn't do that.

I thought it would be so fitting awesome.

But it's, yeah, but this is a classy place.

You don't do that here.

You jump up so fast, you'll pull a hat.

He hasn't said I do yet.

Whoa, you're going to try to talk to you?

Whoa.

I'm sorry, Mary Beth.

Are you worried now?

Are you worried now when they ask for the objections that there may be somebody in the room and they have something to say?

Well, if he continues drinking like this, yes.

I got something to say.

Why is he asking?

If no one has shit to say, why are they asking?

Because you never know.

I wonder how frequently it does happen where somebody objects.

We're about to find out.

They don't do that anymore.

Did they do that at your wedding?

I don't remember.

I don't remember if that was still in

the vows.

The reading by the playbook?

Yeah, I don't think it's in the.

I don't think they do that anymore.

What about Love and Obey?

Is that shit still in there?

I think that, yeah, that'll be in there.

Did you guys write your own vows?

Yeah.

Oh, you did?

Is it?

I'm going to record it.

Is it

Is it from the heart or is it more for you playing to the audience?

Well, if by the audience you mean like you guys.

I'd say half and half.

Okay.

She wrote her own, too.

Nice.

As well.

Now,

is it a man of the cloth doing the ceremony or is it a...

It's a man of the robe.

Oh, you're doing it?

Oh, I didn't know that.

You tell me that.

Yeah.

I keep you in the dark dark about everything.

Eric's marital status.

Are you a fellow brother in the Universal Life Church?

Wow.

How many people have you met?

Reverend.

This is my first.

Ooh, that's a lot of fucking.

I have

many different

versions of the speech written, so we'll have fun in later episodes of some of the jokes I haven't done

that were too risky for the Johnson wedding.

I had to cut some.

I can't imagine a joke that's too risque for the Johnson wedding.

I'm the one making the call.

It isn't going to say, but

if you're reminding myself that

Marybeth's parents are here

and her grandparents.

Yeah, let me get

that.

Yeah, yeah.

If you fall ill,

by any means, I'm also ordained.

I can pinch it for sure.

Cliff Mingxi Chen, right here.

Mike one as well.

Yeah, Mike's ill.

So Mike will be here tomorrow.

So if you fall ill, there's like five other people that can marry you.

Prostate exam.

There's a ring all right.

Did you have a bachelor party, Troy?

Yeah,

but you guys rented a bus and went to Atlantic City.

Gambled, went to a steakhouse.

That sounds manly as hell, right?

Yeah.

Steak and gambling?

And that's only what he's saying.

Really?

What does he mean?

It's like, oh, you feel like a woman.

So

he's right.

On the way back in the bus, we turned off the lights.

Who's in my mouth?

Did you go to a strip club, that kind of thing?

Oh, no strip club.

We all just met up at a bar, got on a bus, went to AC.

You say, gambled, went to a steakhouse, had dinner, gambled some more, drank some more, and took the bus back.

Yeah,

he don't need no strip club.

Are you fucking crazy?

Well, he's a fucking

obviously, I know that.

I'm sitting here with you guys.

He's crazy, guys.

He don't use the strip club.

Strip club comes to him.

Strip search.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're thinking of the old school.

Today's NYPD, I don't think they're having stripper parties.

He's retired.

No, he's not.

Well, he didn't get married today.

Sorry.

You might have a fall tomorrow.

I need this cut.

I need that cut.

Can I leave in the stuff about making women fear you?

Yes!

I've seen like bachelor parties where they bring the bachelor onto the stage.

Did they do that with you, Frank?

Not with me, but I went to a stag party where, or a bachelor party, where they did do that.

They brought the groom up on stage, and the strippers did a bunch of stuff to him.

And they're always spanking him and shit.

Oh, and chocolate syrup down his pants.

Yeah.

In fact, not to interrupt you, the wife of the guy that this happened to called me the next day at work telling me that the wedding was off and it was my fault because I brought him to the strip club.

And because he had, because they were living together, so he came home.

He had chocolate syrup all down his pants and everything.

Did that not go off then?

It really didn't happen.

The wedding did happen.

It did end up happening, but.

Were you not invited?

No, I was invited.

I still went.

I still went.

Awkward, though, huh?

A little bit awkward, yeah.

You didn't answer if you were invited.

You just said, I still went.

How'd you get out of that?

I just said, you know, I said, listen, it's all in fun.

Nothing really happened.

It was all just for show and stuff like that.

Okay, she bought that that weekend?

Apparently, they're still married.

I mean, I didn't talk to them after the wedding.

Once the wedding was over, that was it.

They moved away.

but yeah

we have a uh

a cousin who got married not this past summer summer before i think

and uh i was

i remember one day i was like holy shit i didn't i never sent him a gift so i called pam to get his address and she goes oh no he's not married anymore

and uh he got married in it was august right and then he was divorced in september i mean in yeah in september a month later what happened?

Well,

I don't know, but they had been fighting on Facebook.

Like, it was very public.

Like, she's like, the wedding's off type shit.

You know, the wedding's off.

And then the wedding's back on.

And, like, as a, like, Eric was coming from California, so he's like, what the fuck?

Like, you know,

I'm like, are you guys getting married or not?

And

it was a pretty fun wedding.

I had a lot of fun.

I can't deny it.

It was a pretty decent wedding, but then, I mean, I got out of sending a gift.

I was was like, whoa, I'm glad I didn't know his address.

Because I think from what Pam said,

the bride was like, I want half that money.

Like, even though I guess he had paid for the wedding.

And that didn't look like a cheap wedding either.

Yeah.

So, how long should I wait to send you a gift?

August to September, yeah.

I mean, I hate to see a cousin outdo me.

Oh, man.

Because

I didn't get a fucking refund.

Yeah.

Oh, you didn't?

How much did you give them?

Not much.

I was fucking poor.

You're a teddy bear.

I was fucking poor.

But that wedding cost me a lot of money.

It cost me like $2,000 to come.

Because you have to come here and then you should get it.

Yeah, because they kept canceling the shit and then they fucking put it back on.

And then it was like the last minute it costs $1,000 to take it.

I remember I was was such an asshole about that wedding, too.

Like, I never sent the invitation back.

I don't know why.

It was sitting on the table.

I just never got around to it.

And then eventually they put Eric to the test.

They're like, find out if Brian's going to the wedding.

So he had to track me down.

They're like, he'll answer the phone if you call.

But

it was like a Jewish wedding.

They did very.

They did shit that I'd never seen before.

They were burning oranges and walking in circles and shit, right?

Like, we're not going to to be doing that stuff.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, it looked Wiccan, but it was, no, it was some kind of Hebrew ceremony stuff.

Oh, okay.

Will, um, Pam's here, right?

Will there be any like witchcraft?

Uh, like, woo-hoo-hoo, could spells be cast in?

Would your marriage be put in a bubble?

Yeah,

uh, if it's possible, she'll do it for sure.

And I'm pretty sure that Mary Beth's mom and aunt are also into the Wiccan shit.

Wow.

Oh, really?

It's like a coven here.

A cloud of candles across your fucking camera.

There goes Eric.

Is anybody else concerned about Eric?

Should we be stepping in?

I mean, in a life way?

If he's that angry, I don't want him doing the prostate exam anymore.

That is angry.

I don't care how much he pays me.

Yeah, that is a different Eric than we're used to around these parts.

He reminds me of Dan Aquary when he showed up at the Christmas party and trading pages.

Yeah, and

this is tempered since uh you know we first found out when I first talked to him about it.

Uh, he was on a warpath and I was just like, just play it cool, don't call her names, don't do any of that fucking like he's not going to go on Facebook or any of that kind of shit, but he's like, A Johnson's got a Johnson,

you know how we do, brother.

These are our hills,

let us die,

All right, well, we're in or.

So what comes next in the bachelor party, Walt?

Now we go back to the rooms and we start really drinking.

Well,

or, or, or.

Are you guys in the same room?

Because, I mean, I thought it was bad luck to see the bride before

the wedding.

In her dress.

And it's also, you're not supposed to stay in the room, the same room the night night before.

All right, are you?

I'm not in the same room.

Oh, you're not?

No.

That is impressive.

Yeah.

That is impressive.

I thought you would want to, you know, I didn't think you want to spring for an extra room.

I'm like, do you know how much this is costing?

I mean, the girl got a goddamn

deep-fried dough truck or whatever

funnel cake truck.

So good, though.

Yeah, that's always good.

It was delicious.

But, you know, I can't believe how nervous I was.

how dry I am.

But like, I legitimately am nervous for you.

I couldn't believe it.

Like, you know, up until when it felt like it was really happening when I was driving here,

you know, I was like, damn, I'm fucking nervous for you.

I'm happy for you.

I feel like you're finally allowing yourself

to

be happy, to allow happiness into your life.

I feel you've, for a long time, you've been, you've tried to chase it away and push it away.

Feels like lately you're allowing it to

come into your life, where in the past, I don't think you've

been good at

it.

Don't ruin this whole thing.

You sure the standard fucking warm outside

starts melting off.

The bitterest pill.

Really, you think you can be happy?

You know what?

I can't false him because he was right before, well, maybe two years ago,

Mary Beth and I went out to dinner with Eric and his ex now.

And he was trying to convince her that she should want to stay there because she was like, it's too boring.

I don't like it.

I want to move.

He's like, no, you don't.

No, you don't.

And it's because Eric's been chasing a normal life, too, growing up in an extremely abnormal house.

Oh, you don't, like, you, you, you want, you don't want to be a bad.

Oh, my God.

The only thing I wanted to be was normal my entire

fucking life.

Like, there was this idea that I had where I could just wear khaki pants and

t-shirt.

Like, I could just be a normal fucking person.

It wasn't for you, though.

It is.

It doesn't exist.

It's not fucking real

it's gonna it's gonna be crazy though if like if brian gets that normal like there's no way

back to the t-shirt

he's gonna be beating the waitress at all of garbage

before i he could ever fucking achieve normal see

but what is it then it has to be is it nature and nurture is it chemical

because i agree with you, Walt, in as much as, like, yes, this is the happiest I've been in some time.

And it did seem for a long time, like, I made excuses to not have good things.

Like, well, this is the reason, or that's the reason.

Yeah, I agree with you totally on that.

I feel like, like I said, I feel like you're finally allowing it to happen.

And

look what happened when you allowed it to, you know, to blossom.

Love.

Right later, Eric's like he's champion of the bit.

We blossom like like a pansy.

Yeah, I guess.

You let your guard down, the fucking wolves, they come with their teeth.

There's no Debbie Flynn again around every corner.

No, there isn't, right?

There isn't.

I'll tell you what, if you die, marry your wife, you take

a flat again fortune.

No, no problem, man.

I think you'd rather I do it than you do it at this point.

There wouldn't be a question.

Maybe one of legality.

Million men lined it up.

So that would be.

Debbie Flanagan's pretty solid.

Debbie Chan

is a special lady.

I mean,

Debbie Chan.

When's the last time that you ever even talked to my wife?

You're like 280?

You know what?

This This is just the alcohol.

Tomorrow he's going to wake up and he's going to have a renewed and a much more popular.

Bring your wife here.

I'll marry her.

Why do you even mean that?

I don't think that's what he means.

Why do you believe that this is going to get better overnight?

I feel like

this is just some hurt that he's kind to numb with the alcohol right now.

But once he sobers up, he'll realize that like, holy shit, I'm a fucking doctor with two fucking mansions.

One on the beach.

I'm like, there is the fucking the fast zone or the fast lane is the only lane this guy needs to be in.

Yeah,

look at that.

I'd rather be in the Debbie Flanagan lane.

Slow lane, don't get me wrong.

It's not for everybody, though.

More of a shoulder.

That's true.

At this age,

it's the bike fucking lane.

It's just a rest stop.

Two signals just blinking.

Yeah, Hazards are on.

Go around me.

So you're saying, marriage, abandon hope.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

Well, I already called

on

Ming.

And

I'm going to

hire a lawyer to help his wife re-rescue his kids.

Wait, what do you mean?

So you're going to move in with Debbie Chen as well?

After Child Protective Services removes me, he's going to sweat

fingertips.

I'm just going to

swipe at anything.

That's what you were looking for, though.

You were looking for a Debbie Flanagan type that

you thought you had one.

I thought I.

And then you found out she's drinking coffee, which is really all you could ever prove is that she was having coffee with this guy.

Is that true?

Yeah, that's true.

Because

the wife hired a detective to follow him around, and there was no evidence of.

They find anything except some enjoying of coffee

so coffee they go out they this is the fucked up thing well yeah they go out with the kids to coffee shops together

oh like so they brought your stepson

is

they all are enjoying themselves

I think the boys get

to hang out with a girl

yeah

no dude was it seen as a because you're very close to your stepson oh yeah was it seen as a betrayal Like, was he told not to tell you?

Not so much.

Don't tell Daddy Eric that he went for marriage.

No,

he's not like that.

He's not like that.

Yeah.

I hadn't thought about that until right now.

Where's that bottle?

Let me get back to shitting on marriage.

No, no.

I would never hold anything against that guy.

He's a solid guy to the day I die.

Now, was there any part of you that...

Shit, that's the richest kid I know.

He's going to get everything I have.

Yeah.

Probably like Bill Cates' kid.

Any number of tech billionaires.

A couple million.

Really?

So Sage gets nothing.

No, no.

No, I'm going to cut her in.

Yeah.

Cut her a check.

A couple hundred thousand, maybe $500,000, $600,000.

Wow, that's not bad.

That's a fucking nice drop.

Considering she barely recognizes who I am every time I see her.

Yeah.

You know, it went down to 100,000 when I saw her today.

Yeah.

Why don't you FaceTime her?

You did FaceTime her.

She loves her.

She FaceTime me.

She loves FaceTime.

Well, we don't know.

Like when you're like, if you're busy fucking fashioning nooses or something.

I don't want to interrupt you.

So

this is a real like weird turnaround because I imagine you've been doing like getting him the noose off his neck for years, right?

Now it's your turn.

Oh my, this is great.

Not great on the left.

Great for me.

Like you can now pay back all the, probably all the help that he gave you.

Never.

I could.

That's one way to look at it.

The other is to basket is misery

and record it.

Which is like eight weeks ago.

Profit all the time.

Finally takes me back.

You let him eight weeks go by?

What's that?

From a text.

Eight weeks from what?

I texted you that place in Malibu.

I was like, should I get this place?

And you're like, eight weeks later, you're like, that looks good.

Oh, you're still alive?

What happened?

You needed something from him and went to text him and realized you had the answer.

So I was like, oh, Jesus Christ.

I haven't been getting text anyway.

No, no, no.

You were like, this is a place I'm looking at.

I didn't know you wanted me to give you an opinion.

You were like,

it's a mansion.

No, it's not a mansion.

I know.

This is what Walt said.

Two mansions.

But I mean, it's a respectable place.

Like, if you brought a girl there, she's not going to be like, oh, shit.

It's like a respectable fucking view.

That's for sure.

But the place alone, like, she'd be like, oh.

Oh, maybe.

I don't know.

Or is this your other place nicer?

My other place is way nicer.

You're just saying, by comparison.

By comparison, my other place is way nicer.

You just bought that house recently, too.

Yeah.

Man, that stinks.

We got to end on a real down note

at some point.

Yeah.

Is it your intention?

Don't fucking do it, dude.

Fuck, man.

Well, wait, you said you were nervous driving down here.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Why Why are you nervous about it?

I have no idea why.

I have no idea why I was nervous for him, but I was just nervous.

Like, I was that, you know, a wedding I never thought was ever going to take place.

I never thought that I would see Brian.

I still have 12 hours.

I never thought that this day would take place.

I thought that Brian was going to be

the perennial bachelor.

He said he was going to be, and I thought he was going to do it.

But

I thought so, too.

People can change, and things change, and you just never know when your life is going to change, you know, and it's

a beautiful thing.

Yeah, thank you.

Now,

he wants the Debbie Flanagan fantasy.

Maybe I can get it too.

Could you imagine statistically what are the chances that we both basically marry a Debbie Flanagan?

Mary Beth's very solid.

She hates coffee.

Oh, she's an introvert, so that's a pretty good sign.

Oh, yeah, why do you say that?

Yeah, because she doesn't like to go out and meet other people.

Oh, okay.

Yeah,

she's not going to be bugging them like, hey, we should go to the fucking dance club, fucking this bullshit, that bullshit.

Yeah, she never does say that.

She's always rather like order in and watch TV.

Yeah.

Like a schizoid personality type.

Yeah.

The house is rife with mental disorders.

Come on, you can have everything.

Show fucking films in a fucking 1950s fucking projector.

What?

That's the

Skinsoid personality disorder.

Show films.

That's all you do.

I'm all right with that.

Yeah, I think you are.

Good then.

That's pretty aggressive.

Yeah.

That's like the people here bottle smashing in the background.

It's like

I'm still kind of skeptical because it's a pretty artsy place.

Fucking impressionist fucking

putting paintings up on the wall.

Yeah,

you think it's aimed at you?

It's like, this is about me, isn't it?

Wow.

Well, we'll have to update everyone to see if Eric talked me out of it or not.

I don't know if we're going to need that update.

That's just a technicality, I think.

Right.

I think he's fucking so down the rabbit hole.

It's like

so.

Then there's no hope anyway.

My finger up his prostate, and he wouldn't even know.

That's how loose I am.

He did say he needs extra money now and he's getting married.

So maybe you can

see that on my OnlyFans account.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Tell me, Steve,

I don't know if you heard the first one.