#444.5: It Was The Times

I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough.

Cause here we are back where we were before.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the newly minted Hey, it was the Times.

It seemed to fit.

The title seemed to fit a little bit better.

And not by design.

You just geniusly came up with it in the moment and here we are.

It went from the 80s and 80 to the 70s and 70 to it was the times.

Exactly.

It was, as we're going to find out with this

film.

Last American Virgin.

What do you want?

Yeah, well, I was was just going to say, I have to tell you that I never saw the movie before, and I owe you a lot of thanks.

First of all, sending me the DVD, which I appreciate.

And secondly, suggesting this, because this, I'm going to go on record and say, out of all of the ones we've done so far, I think this had the best storyline.

Oh, absolutely.

And I feel the most realistic to my growing up anyway.

You know, it wasn't a bunch of

topless girl or like naked girls in showers.

It wasn't like the over-the-top shit.

It was like some of the stuff was a little big, but not nearly as big as the other movies we've done so far.

Except for meatballs, it's like there's nothing big about it.

Yeah.

And I mean, I got to tell you, when I was watching this, it was very, very relatable.

I mean, there were some things that happened in this movie that happened to me.

I was even talking to Mary and I was telling her a story of something, and she's like, You're not going to mention that on the podcast, are you?

Like, no, no, I won't mention that.

Off camera, I'll mention that.

But yeah, I related a lot to this particular movie.

Yeah, so what we're going to, oops, I'm going to do this.

All right.

So the movie was The Last American Virgin.

And you're good with all these little factoids, who directed it and what it was based on.

Yeah, so Last American Virgin was a American sex comedy, teen sex comedy.

It came out in 1982, and it was filmed.

The film was written and directed by, and I know I'm going to butcher this guy's name, I think it's Boz Davidson.

And Boz Davidson, he went on to produce some shows, some movies such as Rambo, 16 Blocks, Expendables.

So those are some of his more

notable films.

This was actually a remake of

the same film that Davidson did in Israel.

So in 1978, he did the last American Virgin in Israel, except it was called Eskimo Lemon or Lemon Popsicle.

And they just basically adapted it to the American audience in 82.

Right.

Either way, Eskimo Lemon or Lemon Popsicle seems like a password you'd use for your email.

That's

right.

It's not a great film title.

No, no, not at all.

I mean, I don't know why they would even think of a title like that, but uh, it went on.

I couldn't find how much it cost to make, but you know, from looking at it, I can't imagine that it costs very much.

I mean, there were, I mean, Porky's had more

scenery, screwballs had more going on than this.

This was a lot of like dialogue, it wasn't so much like locations that I thought, but it made five million dollars.

You got to figure it out, right?

It cost five million.

Yeah.

I don't think it came anywhere close to $5 million.

Yeah, I saw this theatrically way, way back in the day.

I was pretty young.

I was around 14, I guess.

I saw it in the neighboring towns theater.

And even at the time,

as we'll find out, it felt relatable.

It was like people like to see themselves on screen.

I was like, here I am.

I want to know what character we can get to it.

What characters are going to be next that we're going to talk about, but who was the character that you felt you related to the the most

uh i related to not rick the handsome guy

you know not

a guy's named david was it yeah yeah david not the fat guy but gary um not totally because i wasn't that

like he's he's like a minch a minch like this this he's just like a sniveling little like little like He seems dangerous at times, the way he stares at

the thousand-yard stare.

So I I think I'd probably fall somewhere between David, the fat guy who's always joking around, and Gary,

who eventually comes upon a realization as to who he is, what he is, and how the fucking world works.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a hard-hit lesson for Gary.

I unfortunately

related mostly to Gary.

After you just got done saying what a snivelling, weirdo creep he is.

But yes, I saw myself in Gary uh a lot um totally not rick the patrick swayzee wannabe i mean the good-looking handsome guy that got all the girls that was far from me uh one thing this movie did have i had one little mention here i don't know about you i don't know i know that you like more of the heavier metal kind of music and stuff but it had the perfect 80s soundtrack i thought I agree.

I mean, I don't care for a lot of the music, but I was like, in terms of, I was like, how the hell did they get all this music?

It must have been nothing, it must have cost nothing because the soundtrack is solid in terms of 80s style.

Oh, yeah, Ario Speedway.

I mean, a ton of them.

So, the cast, there were really, I mean, there were a lot of characters, but there were really just some very main characters.

The very basics was Gary, who was played by Lawrence

Monoson.

Monason, is that right?

Gary.

Oh, poor Gary.

Have you seen Gary lately?

I did.

Don't stay young forever.

No, no, no.

Todd was not kind.

He is what I wish I looked like in high school.

Like, just classically handsome guy.

He had like the eyes and he like he had the

facial, the bone structure and the face and all that shit.

You're talking about Gary or the good.

Sorry, Rick.

Rick.

I was going to say, because I related to Gary.

Diane Franklin, Franklin, she played Karen.

I think out of everybody, she was probably the most

notable because of that Better Off Dead movie.

Better Off Dead and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

She was one of the princesses, right?

Yes, yes.

And I thought that she really was French because I remember seeing her in

Better Off Dead and I didn't see her in anything else.

And so it was kind of funny when I was watching this movie and I was like, God, this girl looks familiar.

And then when I looked her up, I realized who it was.

Then you had Steve Anton, who was the good-looking guy, Rick.

Joe Rubo, which was David.

And then we had a Louisa Moritz.

I don't know why she was listed on here.

She was on Wikipedia and IMDb as being the main character, but she was that MILF

that was trying to

the Latino sex pot.

Yes.

And when I was watching it, I was like, oh my God, this is the worst

accent that somebody could could possibly have.

She should have done better.

And then when I looked her up, she was from Cuba.

That was her real accent.

She has a very like

Carmen Miranda, I guess, kind of thing going on.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hello.

Like that very high-pitched, like sing-songy sort of inflection.

Yes, like charo.

And she was.

She was a lawyer in real life.

She was a lawyer and an actress.

And she just died not too long ago.

And a little side note about her, she was one of the first people to accuse Bill Cosby of

dropping the roofies in her drink.

Really?

Yes.

No, did she live to see him

the slammer?

God.

She did not.

I know.

But she was, you know, I don't know about you.

When you look up these people that we see afterwards, like you're looking at them in a movie and she goes topless.

I'm like, oh my God, she's so fucking hot.

And then when I look her up and find out that like she died at 80,

all of a sudden it kind of takes it away a little bit.

Well, it does because like all these movies we're watching, like you like, I tend to forget like this was 40 years ago because you forget how old you are and how you saw it when you were 12 or 13 or 14 or 15, you know, and it's like, even though it was a whole lifetime ago for you,

it doesn't occur to you that was a lifetime because that's it.

That's the last time you saw her.

Like kind of like when you graduate high school.

It's like, I hate going on Facebook because everybody reminds me of how old old i've gotten like in my mind they're all the same as the day we graduated because i never saw them again yes you know and the only way you can go on facebook now is like you go and you look at their kids and then if you look at their daughter or their son and it's like okay that's kind of what they looked like right back then like some are like almost identical Well, you know, and it's weird, you know, you

cruise on Facebook and talk about feeling like an old weirdo, you know, you go on Facebook and you see like somebody you went to high school with his daughter, who is now 20, and you're like, oh, you know what?

She's pretty hot, too, you know, just like the mom.

That's a little young for me.

So, the basic plot of this story is that you have three high school friends, Gary, Rick, and David, who are all trying to have sex with women.

That was basically the plot.

And Gary seems to be the one who always comes up short.

Gary ends up falling for a girl, but Rick, his friend, ends up getting to her first.

So that's the basic plot, really.

And then we can kind of get into what happens as the story goes on.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, I was just going to say like that classic tale of the one.

This is why like a hot girl will hang around with a couple girls who are not nearly as hot, right?

Oh, my buddy and I used to say it all the time.

It was pretty girl and then pretty girl's friend.

You know?

Yeah.

I don't want to be like, you know, if I'm sitting in any group of friends, it's like, oh, am I the ugly friend?

Am I, is that why I'm here?

Did you ever have,

I mean, you still have your close-knit group of friends from when you went to high school.

So I doubt this happened to you.

This happened to me.

Did you ever have two or more friends that liked the same girl?

I did.

Really?

I did have two friends who liked the same girl and one was a Rick type.

Uh-huh.

And the other was more of a David type,

heavier and funny.

And the Rick type, when the girl went for the heavier guy, couldn't deal with it.

Couldn't deal with it.

He's like, why?

And it was like, oh, well, she's not your type.

He's like, what are you talking?

I'm everybody's type.

Like, dude, I'm not paraphrasing.

That is an exact quote.

I'm everybody's type.

Like, that's the level of arrogance.

That's crazy.

I had a friend like that, too, who and, you know, who seemed to always have the confidence and would go up to the girls.

And I mean, I still remember to this day, we were at the mall and there was a girl working at the sunglass hut.

And he goes up to her and he's like, Hey, you got a number?

And she's like, Yes.

He goes, Hey, you want to use it on me?

You know, and it was just such a tacky, stupid line, but none of the rest of us had the balls to go and do that.

And then I remember I liked this one particular girl, and they and he knew it.

And, you know, and I worked at a turtle's pace, you know, it seemed to try and get this girl.

And he swooped in and,

you know, was hitting on her and everything.

And she's like, never.

The world is for hairs, not tortoises.

I know, I know.

Turtle soup was made of me.

Don't you want to go back and just be like, dude, why are you such a jerk off?

Like, you knew.

Like, because that's the thing in this movie where, like, we'll find out.

Like, the two competing guys, I feel like Rick never knew.

Like, he just didn't know.

I got that too.

Yeah, that Gary liked her.

So it's hard to get mad at him throughout this.

You know, the thing I could understand about Gary getting frustrated, and maybe I'm looking at it through my own experiences too, is it's like, you know what?

You got all these women.

I mean,

save some for the rest of us, or at the very least, I mean, I'm always,

not I'm always, Gary is always talking to this carrot.

God damn it.

No, Gary's always talking to this carrot.

So it's obvious that, you know, Rick should have been man enough to be like, hey, do you like her?

You know, if that's the case, you know, i'll back off a little bit since i'm you know and then he would get even more frustrated and this is the same thing that would happen to me when he started cheating on the girl on karen with other people and it's like geez you know but we'll get to that

you can't win in that situation either because it's like hey dude do you mind not fucking every girl like i like her you know so if he's like all right i'll back off it's almost too much like a gift like you know i'll back off and i'll gift her to you rather than like you earning her, you know, yeah, yeah, no, I get that because if you don't have that personality and you don't have that swagger and confidence, it's like, and you're, I'm relying totally on looks back in high school or now, or any point in my life,

uh, it's it's not, oh, wait, except when I got on TV.

After that, I suddenly got better looking somehow.

Well, you know, I have the perfect speech planned if I ever win the lottery.

I want to stand up in front of the camera, hold up the lottery check, and say,

that's it.

No, I was going to say, I'm saying, guess who just got a little better looking?

You know, as I'm holding a 13 million dollar check, or I could even say, you know, Mary, pack your bags.

And she's like, where are we going?

And it's like, I don't care where you're going.

I just want you out of the house in 10 minutes.

Yeah,

you got to stay with her, man, because she was there.

Oh, yeah.

She was there.

She married Gary.

She married Gary.

She goes for Rick and was happy about it.

Yeah.

Don't you feel sometimes like I know I look at Mary Beth and I'm like, like, how many lead paint chips did you eat exactly?

I do.

I wonder sometimes about her taste.

You know, I really do at times feel she could have done better.

If not for looks, just for like sheer indifference from like, I'm not an overly affectionate or emotional person.

So I think that comes into play at times too.

But you know what?

I think you and I, I think we're selling ourselves short too.

I think we have a tendency to probably be our own worst critics.

We probably are better than we think.

Yeah, we are better.

Yeah, yeah.

We're better than the Ricks of the World.

Yeah.

Fuck you, Rick.

Fuck you, Gary.

Where are you now?

Your looks faded, bro.

So the story opens up with Gary loading up a pizza car, which is a very large pink station wagon.

Did you find, as an Italian, did you find anything offensive about that, that thing up top, that like

the Tuedo with the

Duido Duido guy.

Yeah.

I, you know, it takes a lot to offend me.

Very, very little offends me.

So, I mean, he could have been wearing the wife beater with the gold chain and it wouldn't have bothered me.

But no.

So he works at a pizza parlor and he's making deliveries.

So hardworking guy.

I mean, you know, they gave him the lamest car to possibly drive around in.

And on top of that, he doesn't even own his own car.

He has to beg his boss to use the pizza car.

Yeah.

And the name of the place is Pink Pizza,

so you don't know if that's supposed to be like an added insult to injury or

what the deal is.

He just needs to wear the vagina hat that those people wear for a while.

Um, so Gary pulls into later on, Gary pulls into a diner or a hamburger stand.

I don't know what it is, arcade.

It's kind of like a meeting place.

And he sees two girls ordering ice cream, Karen and Rose.

Karen is going to be the pretty girl that Gary pines over.

And Rose is pretty girl's friend, who I don't think is bad looking.

Dude, I got to tell you.

Yeah.

Given a choice, I'm going with Rose every time.

Because she liked him or just because of the looks?

Because of the looks and because of the personality.

She just like, she's down to fucking clown.

She's DTF.

She just seemed fun.

And in the pool scene, she's rocking a bikini instead of a one-piece.

Yeah, I thought she looked looked good.

Yeah, I agree.

She reminded me a little, looks-wise, of like a little, like a Paris Hilton a little bit is what I got from it.

I could see that.

So Gary sees these two girls ordering ice cream.

Never saw Karen before.

Asked the guy serving ice cream, who is she?

And apparently she's a brand new student.

Got to school like two or three days ago or whatever.

Already has friends.

Yeah, that's weird, right?

Yeah.

I mean, you know, I went like four years and still have like the same same three friends.

I went to elementary school with you.

How do you remember?

How do you not remember me?

It's freak.

You know me.

I wore the shoes in gym class.

Remember, I got sneakers.

Gary goes over to a table with his friends, and he's sitting there with Rick and

David.

And they're looking over at another table of three girls sitting over there.

If this doesn't personify pretty girl and pretty girl's friend, I don't know what does in this movie.

Yeah, like I would hate to be cast as Millie.

It would just not be that fun.

And the other, like, okay, so there are three girls.

It's Roxanne, who's like, she kind of reminds me of Juliet Lewis.

And she looks like, she's very cute.

She looked like a,

she's a very typical 80s, like.

hair metal rocker chick type.

Then you had Brenda, who was like a blonde bombshell and looked much older than everyone else.

It looked like their way older sister hanging out with them.

Big boobs, blonde hair, kind of like Ditzy.

And then you had Millie,

which the name alone is just like, that's going to be the overweight, attractive friend with the good-looking girls.

So I'm guessing maybe Millie is the one who owned the car or she had the money and she was paying for everything.

I don't.

But the thing about Millie, too, is when we get back to to the house it wasn't even like she was nice she was a bitch that's what i liked about her though that that's really what i like i loved her detached attitude so they go back to gary's house with the promise of cocaine

and these girls do not look like they'd be into coke maybe

the other two do not look like they'd be into it So they're like, hey, we're having a party at our house, at Gary's house.

We have cocaine there.

Let's all go back.

So then they go back to the house.

Nobody's there, obviously.

Gary's parents are out.

And the girls are like, so where is everyone?

And they're like, oh, they'll get here.

They'll get here.

Let's start dancing.

So that's when they start dancing.

So Roxanne, the good-looking girl, of course, pairs up with Rick, the good-looking guy.

The two, like, you know, the blonde, curvy bombshell pairs up with the heavy dude.

And then there's really no pairing up.

By default,

Gary is now with hanging out with Millie.

Yeah.

So

after that, okay, so then they have to come through with the drugs, though.

Well, what about, you know, what did you think of the dancing scene?

I mean, that's just, it's.

I wanted to ask you, have you ever danced at a party, like a party, a party in a home?

Well, if I ever got invited to a party, I probably

no, I've never danced at a party.

I will do this.

I went, I asked a girl to a prom

and

she, her friend was the girlfriend of my cousin and we practiced dancing once at her house that was it but never just a regular party we start dancing no i've never even seen it no

like i've been to kevin's house and he used to have get-togethers and parties all the time and like his living room was huge

not once and they had music on not once did i see nobody danced nobody like broke out it just seems like it's such a dated thing and this was slow dancing too yeah every tv show that was set like in the 80s, that's that was the case.

I mean, I was just watching Silver Spoons the other day, and Rick had a party, Rick Schroeder had a party, and everybody was dancing.

You know, same thing with Saved by the Bell.

They would have a party and dancing.

I had never been to a party where people just paired up and danced.

I've had a party where people paired up and gone in the bedrooms,

but not the dancing thing.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so I didn't get that.

And I mean, my God, you know that Roxanne is ready to party with how she was was kissing rick making alpha he has his hands all over her ass and he was an ass man wasn't he every time i met a girl his hands around her ass right away

i mean she was french kissing him right away i was like this i think i texted you and i said i'm 20 minutes into this movie and this is the best thing i've ever seen

but her her playing hard to get was uh she's really terrible at it Oh, yeah, yeah.

So you were saying they have to come through with these drugs now because these girls are now asking for it.

Like even Millie is like, we were promised cocaine.

Yeah.

yeah millie wants the coke yeah i love millie's attitude the whole time like when gary goes to sit with her she's like hey he's like hey do you want to do you want to dance and she's like i don't care

or you know like i just i don't care whatever and then anytime he asked her she's like i don't care and like her exaggerated eye rolls and shit i'm like

That's that's I think a heavier girl defense mechanism to be a bitch because everybody's mean to you.

They're all calling you names and shit.

And you're like, hey, can you be the fat friend for the night?

You know, that kind of shit.

So, like, I understood her complete apathy to go.

She's like, I know what you're about, dude.

I know that you're slumming.

You've gone hogging.

I'm the hog.

And this is what you feel you want to do just to bust a nut or whatever.

She's like, if that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do.

She had such an indifferent attitude towards sex or anything that it's like, you feel bad for her almost.

I was actually surprised gary got as far as he did with her i could have seen her just like snorting what they thought was the cocaine and then her just you know that was it but she was still going forward with it but they were all hiding out in their kitchen and they were like we need to come up with these hardcore drugs and they found um sweet and low And that's what they decided to pass off as cocaine.

And they brought it all back to the girls and they all started, well, the girls all started snorting cocaine or

snorting sweet and low and said how great it was, best stuff they ever had, right?

Which means it's probably the first time they ever did Coke.

But I guess at that time, man, Coke was big.

Like, that was in like late 70s, early 80s.

Like, that's when Coke first started coming to America, and I guess it was all over the place.

Yeah, I think that's kind of like what defined the decade almost was 80s.

Pretty much.

Yeah, go ahead.

So,

they end up breaking off into different bedrooms after they do the Coke.

Right.

And Roxanne and Rick go to one room, and it's not long before they're naked and fucking Rick's pounding it.

Brenda goes into a room with David, but then requests that he wait outside while she got undressed.

She's very demure, I guess.

Yeah, shy, I guess.

I suppose.

And then Gary and Millie are still on the couch.

She's eating a chips.

A whole bowl of chips disappears by the end of this scene, which I was like, this is so hacky and shitty.

He doesn't need to sit there chomping on chips.

And like, Gary's trying to get off her bra.

And it looks like how I remember my mom's bra, like, back,

like, with like four or five hooks on that strap in the back to hold up the giant boobs and all that shit.

Um, and he gets frustrated and eventually tries to cut it with scissors.

Yeah,

and uh,

it's crazy.

I, well, you know, I even wrote it down here.

I'm like, Millie's bra

is like this gray off-white color that

if you think of the old lady Sears bras,

this is what it was.

Yeah.

And if you were able to get it off and start messing with her tits and sucking on her tits, there's no doubt in my mind that that character would have kept eating chips and like

she, like her nipples probably wouldn't have even gotten hard.

Like, that's how much she didn't care.

I don't care.

Yeah, it's like, I don't care.

It's like Bartleby.

Like, I would prefer not to, you know.

So a typical cliche thing happens.

Parents come home early from wherever they were and everybody starts to scatter.

Well,

Roxanne comes running out and she's topless.

So you get a good look at her and the parents are like, what's going on?

And then Brenda, and this confused me because Brenda also comes out topless.

But I'm like, why is she running around in front of other people with no shirt on when she's asking David to go outside so she can change because she's too shy.

Like it seems so contrived, right?

Well, the only thing maybe I can think of is that it was such a shock, and they wanted to get out of there so quickly that maybe they just

didn't think of throwing something on really quick.

I don't think she knew though, because when she came out, she was smiling.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and so was Roxanne.

They didn't know the parents were out there.

So then everybody runs out.

aside from David, who's already outside the,

they have like those French doors or whatever.

Yes.

And he's going to wait, I guess, a certain amount of time before he comes back in.

And we've seen this many times before.

When this started to happen, I was thinking to myself, are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, it's just like, come on, man.

Like, this is too easy.

It's been done too many times.

But then, so David goes into the bedroom.

The woman is like,

what are you doing?

You know, and he's, they turn on the lights and they start like smacking him around a little bit.

Then he runs out and they all drive away.

And Gary seems very happy, like he's not in trouble for having done something like this.

No, yeah, he was all laughing and giggling and they were all getting into the car.

And it's like, dude, that was your house.

I mean, sooner or later, you're going to be back there facing these consequences.

So I don't know what you feel like you're getting away with.

But I don't know, he did.

Yeah, he was in, Gavin was in bed with Gary's mother.

And then what happened?

Then there's the next scene, right?

Where they are at the high school.

And this proves me totally wrong about what I said in the beginning of this because I forgot that that nerd was spying on girls in the shower.

Exactly.

I totally forgot.

Victor, who's a minor, minor character.

Victor is a real nerdy guy that is kind of hangs around with them, but very fringe, fringe-friendly.

He's peeping on the girls in a shower.

He moves this bulletin board and

he's looking at them.

And this is probably the most bizarre part of the movie they all start teasing um victor about having a boner right and then this leads to them all measuring their boners again

with a tape measure touching hard cocks like gary and uh david i think were in charge of doing all the measuring and they're all so happy they're all lined up the whole gym class

I did not understand.

Again, like,

there's just no way you would do that in school, like when I went to school in the 80s, there's just no way.

I don't think there's any way today.

This is our fourth or fifth movie that we've done.

And I want to say that probably three-fourths of the movies that we've done have people measuring each other's cocks or touching each other's cocks.

And nothing in real life has ever happened to any of us in this instance.

Not that I want it to happen, but it's just so unrealistic.

Yeah, and it doesn't, it's never happened to anyone I know.

No, you know, no, and the fact that they're all maintaining these erections while they're waiting in line, surrounded by dudes.

I mean, the minute some guy put a tape measure next to my boner, I'm sure it would go down.

I hope it would.

Unless you're on the blue chew, then there's no stopping it.

That's right.

It could be touched by anyone and it's going to keep on raging.

I like the fact that Victor did win, though.

Yeah, he has a huge nine and a half inch cock,

which is,

I guess, since he is such a nerd, like a very prototypical nerd with the glasses and the greasy face.

But I do like he's, he's usually alone,

but he seems to be not just in on the joke, but having his own private joke, where like there are moments where you can tell he's like, hey, Gary.

How's it going with Karen?

Yeah.

The little passive aggressive, or even like this, when they measured it and it was like nine inches.

And he goes, Wait a minute, it's supposed to have another half inch, or you know, something like that to really rub it into those guys.

Right.

Oh, shit.

So that

doesn't move the story forward one iota.

There's no reason for that scene.

There was no reason other than maybe to make the actor that played Victor feel a little bit better.

So we're

the next scene I have is that Gary is driving by Karen's house and she apparently rides a moped to school.

And he flattened her moped tire so that he could be the knight in shining armor to help her

bring her to school.

Good example of it was the times.

I did this.

Did you?

I did do this.

Somebody's tire?

I did this.

Wow.

So,

yeah, this girl that I liked was working at a mall, and I knew she was getting out like at 9:30 or something.

So, I went and let air out of her tires, one tire, and then kind of just waited in the parking lot.

When she came out and she was getting ready to get into her car, I happened to be driving by and said, Oh, you know, what happened?

Oh, I have a flatness and that.

So, I changed the tire for her so that I would have more time to like talk to her and try to look like the knight in shining armor.

Yeah, how'd it go?

It didn't work out.

No, it didn't work out.

No, it didn't work out.

at least she brought the tire she had to go out of her way to bring the tire to the tire guy and he looked at it he's like there's nothing wrong with this

i never thought of that but you inconvenienced her at least i'm sorry rachel

poor rachel karen this was that's like serial killer shit that's like what a serial killer does

dragged her into the van you know i was i was gary i was grasping at straws i was trying to do anything by any means necessary yeah i gotcha Karen, the girl who played Karen was actually deaf in her right ear, and because of that, she could not ride a moped.

So, every scene that you see in this movie is just her pushing the moped or standing next to it.

You'll never see her on it because it fucks up your balance with having the one ear.

Yes, that was kind of neat, but it worked for Gary.

He did get to take Karen to school and they got to have a little conversation in the car.

And ultimately, when they got to school, he did ask her out to go to a party with him.

But she said he was, she was busy.

Said she was busy.

And then she's like, Do you have a boyfriend?

She's like, No, bye.

And then just walks away.

Just as it left him.

Right.

Because he's asking that for a reason.

And that's the exact moment when you know you don't have a chance.

And she's like, no, all right, see you later.

Not like, no, why?

Or no, like further conversation.

Right.

No.

Yeah, he should have, he should have followed up with something, you know?

It was something or just given up at that point.

I remember I would ask a girl.

I remember I asked a girl once if she had a boyfriend and she said no, and then didn't go any further.

And then I remember saying to her, well, since you don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a boyfriend, maybe we can go on a date, you know, just to see.

And then I had a perfect line that if she then said, you know, if she, if she turned me down, you know, like if she did say, oh, I have a boyfriend, I would say, oh, you know, all the good ones are taken, so that I can kind of just leave with some type of dignity.

You know, I workshop that line for a while, busted it on a few people, see how it worked.

Just yeah, see, see what goes on.

Uh,

later on, they go to the party, and Gary sees Karen dancing with Rick.

And this is the first time you hear that song, like, I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough.

Yeah, if his best is deflating a moped tire and then sneaking her, like, you know, sneakily getting her to get in his car, that's not that great.

That's not that much of a, we got to put in more time and effort than that.

It's almost like he was entitled to her.

Right.

He sort of felt like, just because I want her, I'm entitled to her.

Well, he figures, you know, I flanned her tire.

I gave her a ride.

I'm talking to her.

She's new, so she doesn't really know too many people.

I mean, it was the perfect storm for him.

And he let it slip.

It just didn't happen.

I don't think, well, not that I don't think.

I know she just didn't feel that way about him.

Right.

And there comes a point in time where you got to just cut your losses.

It's like, I would rather hear, like, I don't feel about you that way

rather than like, you're like a brother to me.

Oh, yeah.

It's just like, we're not close at all.

Right.

Or I see it just as a friend.

Yeah.

You know, that's another one.

See it just as a friend.

All right.

Well, I don't want to be your friend.

Yeah, I got enough friends.

We see that, but you know, Rose is introduced to Gary, and we find that Rose likes him.

And, you know, if I was Gary at this point, you know what?

She blew him off basically when he asked her to the party.

She's dancing with a good-looking friend.

Here you have somebody who is semi-interested in you.

You might as well have gone with her.

And he didn't.

He was still locking in on her to the point where he's

yeah, he's following her around the party.

I mean, she goes into the

stalkery what he does.

Yeah, I never did that, but she goes into, she goes to the bathroom to like do her makeup and stuff.

And he comes and he sits on the counter and starts talking to her while she's getting dressed or getting makeup on.

Didn't that look like a dressing room?

I could not tell what was going on at that party.

It looked like someone's basement, but the it looked like a, almost like a, a room where people who are in a show get ready, like for a play or something.

Yeah.

Like the long sort of table or a cabinet and then like mirrors and shit.

And there was a buffering ad on the door.

On the door.

Do you see that?

The buffering sign.

I was like, what?

What is that there for?

I mean, if you think maybe this party took place in a basement, if this was a bathroom off a basement, you can kind of get it because if it's a kid's hangout, you can see that they would like hang signs and stuff.

I mean, I don't know many teenagers that would want to hang a buffering sign on their door.

Maybe Walt.

I thought of him when

I saw that sign.

Gary goes into the bathroom.

Rick then shows up while they're talking and really just kind of,

I don't think he meant to do it or maybe he did, but he demeaned Gary, I felt.

What did he say?

Just by making out with her?

Well, no, when they were talking in the bathroom, Gary was talking to Karen in the bathroom.

Rick comes over, takes Karen away from Gary, then looks at him and says, Hey, buddy, you better lighten up on that drinking.

Oh, right.

You know, kind of like you can't handle it, or, you know, you need to just chill out kind of thing.

He wasn't wrong.

No, he wasn't wrong.

Because Gary looks, my note for this is

Rick and Karen make out Gary stumbles around the dance longing for Karen.

He's pathetic.

He was very pathetic.

I mean, he just, it got to the point where he just was making a sloppy mess of himself.

David falls.

He's just like, oh, yeah.

I don't know why I feel this need to keep redeeming myself.

Even though I felt like I identified with Gary, I want everybody to know I was not this bad as far as Gary's behavior.

I just feel as if I'm still not living the cake thing down.

So I want to make sure that this is thrown out there.

But he's like, yeah, he's just pushing people around.

He's just a very, very sloppy drunk.

David, the heavier set friend, ends up falling into the pool.

And

ultimately, David is the good friend.

David is the, well, good friend, is the one who brings Gary to his car to get him out of there.

He's too drunk to stay at the party.

So what do they do?

Hold on one second.

All right, everyone.

We just got interrupted.

We were practically Zoom bombed by Sage.

She went on a Google Hangout or Google meetup or whatever it is with her class.

So if we look like we're positioned differently or it's later in the day, that's why.

Because it is.

Yep, because those are the facts.

All right.

When we last left, Gary was stumbling around the party like a drunken idiot.

He stumbles outside into a pool area where I believe you pointed out he gets pushed or falls into the pool somehow.

Yeah,

I think what happened was, yeah, David or Gary, I think, might have pushed or turned too quickly and David ended up falling into the pool.

So Gary definitely had something to do with David falling in the pool.

Yeah.

And then in a show of true friendship, David walks Gary out to his car,

puts him in it, and I think he says, like, sleep it or something like that.

Well, he said, he goes, um, you sure you don't want me to take you home?

And Gary, who is too drunk to be at the party, was not apparently too drunk to be put into a car and be like, no, no, I'm fine.

I can make it home.

And the friend was like, all right, I'm going to go back to the party.

Yeah, I mean, in a move that only a pure shithead would allow.

Well, it was the times, right?

I mean, the times, you know, that's what happened back then.

Sometimes I forget.

I'm glad you're here to remind me.

So, yeah, so Gary drives home safely, apparently,

and then gets home and walks through his front door and his parents are having a dinner party.

Yeah, with like

people so stuffy.

Yes.

That's like, I don't remember my mother having friends like this.

They were all kind of trashy like we were, you know, like dressed in Sears clothes and shit like that, you know?

Well, loud and, you know, probably beer bottles, things like, you know, same with my family yeah not like refined with tea and um people are like you know women are clutching at their pearls at every single comment like it's it's it's odd when because you look at these people and it's like this woman is not that much older than i am right now right i can't even conceive of dressing like this or acting like this Definitely a stick in the mud type of family.

And I mean, even the party itself was kind of weird.

No music, no television, just everybody was sitting like in a semicircle, very close together.

Yeah, like talking about something boring.

Yeah.

And so Gary comes in and he's wasted.

And

I guess for some reason, they can't tell right away that he's wasted.

I don't know how that happened.

But he starts making some remarks to the lady.

Do you remember her name?

Oh, I was going to write it down.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I could try to find it really quick but i yeah i don't remember mrs uh

it was it now apple bomb would that been it or mrs roswell something like that but it was it was the most derogatory comments he was making to her and i was laughing hysterically at this

yeah

it was um

it was a high point even though it really has nothing to do with the movie again No, it doesn't necessarily move it forward.

It's just kind of like,

it appears Gary can get away with anything.

Well, you know, unlike

the dick

scene earlier, which doesn't move the movie forward, at least this one had some comedic presence to it.

At least this one made me laugh.

And you did.

He was stumbling around.

This woman who was the friend at the party said, well, why don't you, you know, I think this boy needs a shower.

And he turned to her and said something along the lines of, well, only if you come with me.

You know, now everybody is like, oh, you know, they're all clutching everything.

I mean, it really did.

It did make me laugh.

And he just did not get into any kind of trouble whatsoever.

I mean, the parents, this was the other thing I found funny.

Here he is.

He's drunk.

What did the parents do to try to get him out of the room?

Here, take these empty champagne glasses and go into the kitchen.

Our expectation is that you will not break them.

Right.

He moved about four inches before they landed on the ground.

Shutters all over.

And that's the big thing, not him being like, hey, Miss Applebaum, I'll fuck you.

Yeah, yeah.

You're at a dinner party.

Yeah, if you're at a dinner party, you know, or a group like that, and, you know, same situation as you and Miss Five.

And he's like, hey, Miss Five, you know, come take a shower, whatever.

Like, do you feel the need to stand up and defend Miss Five's honor?

God, I'd be like, good luck with that, buddy.

Let me know if that works for you.

Yeah, I've been trying for over a decade now.

Let me know how far you'd get.

I would probably try and defend her honor.

I mean, I would also understand that the person is drunk and not meaning what they're saying.

but you know, I did like the fact I had this down here too, that he acts so obnoxious that they all look at him and he just belches back at them before he even says anything to him.

I thought that was funny.

All he does is confirm every suspicion about him they had.

So, and that was the scene.

I mean, then the next scene we see, they're back in the school, they're back in their classroom.

Right.

So, once again, that didn't move the storyline at all forward, other than maybe showing showing how upset Gary was that's how he's choosing to deal with it you know he you know well who could he talk to his best friend is the one that's all over Karen it's obvious his parents aren't going to be somebody he can talk to

what else could he do dabbling that's it yeah

um Victor if he didn't treat Victor like shit maybe uh Victor would have talked to him Right.

Yeah.

Victor's, yeah, Victor seemed to be like those friends that you have that you hang around with when your other friends are away.

Right.

You know, he knows it and he accepts it.

He knows his lot in life and he's like, all right, I'm good with it.

But yeah, they're in the classroom next, and Gary is daydreaming about Karen.

He's writing her name on his notebook.

You know, the teacher calls on him.

He doesn't know what's going on because he's been daydreaming for the last 15 minutes about Karen.

And the student, who I believe was Victor, right, was feeding him the answers.

Yeah.

And not not in the slyest way whatsoever.

I mean, it literally was Victor looking at him and saying, Al is the answer.

Or, you know, it was like, I mean, how blind is this teacher?

And then at the end, Victor gives him the wrong answer.

Right.

He said to my Victor's, I'm telling you, man, Victor's revenge is slow and sure.

You know, Victor might be the unsung hero of this movie.

Yeah.

You count him out because and you discount him because he's a nerd.

But like they say, the fucking nerds moves.

Yeah.

So, I mean, and that was it for that.

And then we kind of move a little bit forward to Gary's now delivering pizza.

So he must go to work after school, and he delivers to the Cuban MILF.

Yeah, Carmela.

Oh, Stiffler's mother before there was Stiffler's mother, right?

Yeah, and she also refers to herself in the third person quite a bit.

Yeah.

Maybe it's a Cuban thing.

Could be.

She's hot.

So she comes on to uh to Gary a little bit and says something about uh coming back or at some point, whatever she says.

But then he's like, Oh, I'm gonna go get more pizzas and get the guys, and we'll go and we'll just all fuck her

and under the guise of like, Hey, we have some more pizzas.

Well, and you know, and I don't understand that either.

You're you're somebody who's trying to get laid, you obviously are not very good at it, which, you know, I'm empathizing with him completely.

you have this chance where you have this older woman who is very good looking who looks like you could do it with her why is the first thought in your head hey i'm going to go get two of my buddies so we can all get in on this right well before that like i forgot i had marked down like

when he first comes into our house gary

you know he puts the pizzas down but then he takes the drinks and brings them and puts them in the refrigerator without being prompted or anything and he drops marmalade all over the floor or something like that yeah

And that gives you an idea of how old this woman is and that she's got marmalade in her refrigerator.

Yeah, she's got like apricot or some shit.

That's it, you know.

And then when he leaves, she hands her Werther's originals, probably.

But yeah, he chickens out and goes and gets his friends.

I would never do that.

No,

no way.

It's too bizarre.

Like, I think it takes an older person to know how to handle more than two people in a bedroom or like a situation like that

because their expectations of what's going to happen, I guess.

Like, I just, again, never in a situation where it's like me and two buddies are like, hey, you just want to run a train on him?

Or a train on her?

Like, what do you say?

Well, and on top of that, he's like, well, yeah, I'll go third.

Yeah.

So it wasn't even like, oh, let's do it.

I'll go first.

He's like, no, no, you guys go and then I'll go.

And the sloppy seconds or sloppy thirds thing is predicated upon,

I guess none of them use rubbers.

It's fucking vile.

No, it's just, it's just the sound of it is disgusting.

Why would you, yeah,

I don't get that, but that must have been the times because this is the second movie that we saw in this timeframe that seems to glamorize sloppy seconds and thirsty thirds.

And

usually it was fourths.

It was used in like a pejorative sense.

Like, say, you're dating a girl, she breaks up with you.

The next guy she goes out with, you're like, hey, enjoy my sloppy seconds.

Yeah, that's how it used to be with us.

I mean, that's what I would say, but

it takes on a whole new meaning i guess in in this film but they all come back he goes and he gets his friends i assume after he's done with the rest of his pizza delivery job goes and gets his buddies they have a pizza each and they go back to this woman's house to hey we got more pizzas uh let's

yeah yeah basically we brought some more pizzas And if I read the signals correctly earlier, I assume we're going to fuck.

And he wasn't wrong.

I mean, he did read read it correctly.

If he was first,

he would have popped his cherry.

He wouldn't have been the last American virgin.

He would have been all right.

Second to last.

Second to the last.

He decides to go third for some reason, maybe to get the woman loosened up.

Or he was probably nervous.

I'm sure that's what it was.

She reassures them at one point.

Like,

it seems like they're nervous, and she's like, it's okay, it's okay.

But then, like, in passing, she mentions her sailor boyfriend, Paco,

as if they know who this guy is but she it's real like brief and and sort of like passing but she does mention him she does and and when paco does show up it is just like what you would think of a paco sailor paco the sailor man being you know like a merchant marine yeah he's got the little sailor hat and the the the dungarees and the and the the

shirt made out of jean material and i mean the other two guys david and Rick, fuck her.

So Rick goes first, the good-looking one, and he's doing a decent job.

He's doing a bang-up job.

Then David goes next, and you could just kind of see the rhythm.

I mean, you know, David, he's getting the job done, but you know, it's not very pretty.

And she has to take a little bit of a break.

And while she's taking a break, Rick or Gary's getting ready, and then that's when the sailor boyfriend comes home.

Yeah.

I wrote that at one point.

She dances for the guys

to get them all worked up.

The dance is pretty awful too.

Right away, Rick, he's like, he's got to be an ass man because when he's dancing with her, hands go right to the ass.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, it was nice because when she was stripping for them, at least she had on like the black, tight, nice underwear.

Millie probably could take a lesson from this woman, you know, as far as lingerie is concerned, because it was, I mean, she's older and the dance was awful, but I still thought it was pretty hot.

Her figure was a little fuller.

So yeah, Millie could.

Millie doesn't care, though.

It's a thing.

No,

she's like, whatever.

Yeah, I mean, I never had that experience.

I never had an older woman who was interested, you know, in me.

I came close once.

There was a woman that was helping me learn Spanish.

And I was probably 20 at the time.

And that would have put her, I think she was like 60 at the time.

But nothing, you know, nothing happened other than her helping me with my Spanish.

But she was known around the place that I worked at as being very easy.

So like, like Gary, I fucked it up apparently.

Yeah.

You're like, I'll go third.

Oh, geez.

The boyfriend shows up.

And once again, they're all scrambling to the car to get out of there.

They scramble.

Paco gives chase.

And Paco's like slapping them.

Like, it's really weird that, like, he doesn't, he's like, oh, like, like, you know, it was all done like

in post, like him yelling and stuff because they didn't have the sound.

Oh, yeah.

And, you know, and if you look, you could see that he's not really trying very hard to get to them.

That, you know, they must have said, hey, listen, you got about 20 feet before they get to the car.

Make sure he gets to the car.

Make it as close as you can get.

I mean, the only thing missing from that scene was at the very end, Paco's standing in the middle of the road, like waving his fist, like, you kids.

You know, that was the only thing missing from this.

I mean, it looked played out.

It was horrible.

This

next scene where they go to the diner or the malt shop or whatever, this is why I thought maybe Gary wasn't or Rick wasn't aware that Gary liked her because he's like, hey, I need your help.

She won't go out with me unless Rose goes along too.

So can you, you know, be my wingman?

And that's what made me think: like, either he's a sociopath or he's just completely unaware.

Yeah, I, you know, it could go either way.

He could be just somebody who is so consumed with himself that he just doesn't even consider the feelings of anybody else.

So it's probably a little bit of both.

It's him being an asshole, but genuinely not knowing because he's an asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah, that could be too, just as a total narcissist.

Yeah.

But yeah,

they need to go out with the girls.

So they're at the malt shop and something happens to the car.

Right.

Gary was supposed to get the pizza wagon, and the boss didn't come through with the car, wouldn't give him the car or something.

So now they hatch this plan to steal Victor's car.

Right.

But Victor just gives it to him, though.

Victor lends it to him after promises of something or another.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So he lends it to them, and then they drive and they go to the point to make out.

And I was like, wow, that is the least inventive name for a place to make out.

Couldn't have done better.

I know.

Even Happy Days was inspiration point.

I mean, you could have done a a little bit better.

Something.

And

so Gary and I mean,

Rick and Karen are in the back seat and

Gary and Rose are in the front seat.

And Rose is like making them.

I like Rose a lot, man.

Yeah, Rose is pretty good.

She was a little sex kitten, Rose.

She's ready for it.

She was.

She was taking the reins.

If he just went with the flow, she would have taken care of everything.

He would have had to put no effort into it.

You could just tell.

I think with one or two turns in the correct direction, Rose will have a career as a dominatrix, a successful career.

Very successful.

I wonder what Rose went on to do.

Usually I have this stuff, but oh, she's

in Twin Peaks.

She was the

Lucy in Twin Peaks.

Yep, there it is.

Yeah, Twin Peaks, Honey, I Truck the Kids, Beauty and the Beast,

Stuart Little,

Speed 2.

She's got something coming up in production.

The 420 movie, Mary and Jane, and then the feeling.

So good for her.

Yes.

Yeah, she's still gained a little weight, but she still looks all right.

She passes my test.

I know.

Don't you just love how condescending we are?

So judgmental.

Yeah, we are.

You look like it, but you know what?

It's like, they'll be look at you.

I'd be like, I know.

See, I already know.

That's why I feel okay doing it.

So

what happens is they all start making out in the car.

Once again, there's that thing of making out in close proximity to your friend.

I don't get it.

Two things make me uncomfortable when couples are arguing in front of me and when couples are making out in front of me.

Yeah, isn't it odd?

Like a quick like, hey, see you later, kisses, nothing.

But if when they're like, blah, blah, blah, yeah, that's like, come on, man.

Exactly.

So they start like making out.

And I think it's Gary or Rose.

Somebody hit the gear lever and made the car or the emergency brake, which being a car person, I don't understand.

If the car is automatic, why would hitting the emergency brake take it out of gear?

Anyway, the car goes down this hill into the ocean.

Yeah, they all bail first.

Laughing.

And they're all kind of like happy, laughing.

They think it's the funniest thing ever.

And this is a fucking cherry car, too.

It's not a piece of shit.

No.

It's like a really nice convertible Mustang, I think it was, right?

And it's not even theirs.

No.

It's Victor's.

Poor Victor's got to to take the bus home.

How sad was it when they flashed back to Victor and he's sitting on the curb and he's got like six sodas there?

Yeah.

I thought that was funny.

But yeah, so the car ends up into the ocean and they all just kind of get out and

then we end up going to the next scene.

They're almost celebratory.

Yeah, when Rose or Karen, one of the girls, I don't remember, was jumping out of the car.

One of the guys was there to catch her.

And it looked almost like they they were just like frolicking yeah not not that you just destroyed this probably 30 40 000 car

so they're at school next and rick asked for gary's grandmother's house key second time

yeah

gary agrees but later says he can't get it um this is oh yeah when they're at the mall shop so apparently the grandmother died and we find this out later and for some reason they still have the apartment probably just maybe can't get rid of it for feelings, or maybe it happened recently.

And apparently, Rick wants to use it, like you said, to just go back and fuck.

And Gary is the one who has the key.

Gary originally agrees to it, but then kind of decides, no, I don't want to,

I don't want to help Karen get fucked.

So he's like, I couldn't find the key.

Yeah.

And

I thought in this scene, he sort of showed himself to be a manipulative dickhead because it's like, either confront your friend about this issue and stop being such a pussy or just fucking let it let it go right you know just let it go and then like he turns it around as because you're right he's like i don't want to be you know aid and aid and fucking her but he makes it seem like rick's the asshole for wanting to hang out with her he's like you know he and david are both like oh you're always with her you're always with her which is you know very typical teenage issue you know

and then they they browbeat him to the point where Rick is like, all right, I'll hang out with you guys.

Fine.

I'll hang out.

Right.

Well, they said we're going to go and go to this hooker, this prostitute, who I guess fucks everybody, which what prostitutes do.

And Rick decides to go with them, which also shows him being another dick.

I mean, here you are, you have this nice girl that you have as a girlfriend, and you're just going to toss her aside so that you can go with your buddies to go to a prostitute.

And I mean, even in Gary's eyes, that's got to be, you know, it's got to be kind of shitty too.

Like you have this perfect woman that I could, that I would give anything to be her boyfriend.

And here you are pushing her aside to come with us to go do a hooker, even though we're the ones prodding you to do it.

Yeah.

It is odd.

This whole scene is odd because once again, you're talking about three guys who all want to bang the same girl.

Ruby the hooker.

She also speaks about herself in third person.

And I'm I'm not even sure she's a female.

Like, I'm not positive 100%.

The jury's out on that one.

Yeah.

So these are my notes for that one.

Ruby finds out Gary's a virgin and is nice to him by stroking his dick until he gets hard.

Gary fucks her badly, again without a rubber, as she talks him through it by saying, what kind of creep are you?

Gary finishes, then Ruby castigates him for absolutely no reason as he slinks away.

She's so mean to him, like for no reason.

Gary's used to that, though, you know, and did afterwards, did he get like so nervous or something afterwards, like he was vomiting or throwing up afterwards?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you see why I relate it to Gary?

But they all ended up, what happened to all of them

after they fucked this hooker?

What did they all get?

Oh, they got the crabs.

Yeah.

They all got crabs.

So I was unsure from this scene if Gary actually went through with it, if he ended up really fucking her.

I mean, you're led to believe that he did,

but the way she was chastising him and stuff, I thought maybe he was putting it in the wrong place and then maybe he came too early or something.

And then she's like, just go.

But in order to get crabs, he would have had to do something, right?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, they would have had to at least touch, I suppose.

Yeah.

You know,

bumped into each other.

And Ruby, the hooker, if possible, was less enthused about life than Millie.

Like, she was really like, just,

my life is total shit.

These two care.

And you know what?

Millie's real name was Winiford Friedman.

She looks like a Winifred.

She looks like, I mean, how bad is it that the name Millie is actually an upgrade?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, they all

end up getting crabs and they decide to go.

And I actually looked this up because I was like, is this true?

Can you drown crabs?

They were all, they show them at the community pool, pool just sitting there trying to drown these crabs that they all got.

And this is where the girls show up.

Karen in the One Piece, Rose in the fucking snappy bikini looking good, immediately like, hi, Gary.

Like, I don't know.

She's adorable.

I don't know why.

Like, Gary's an asshole.

Who the, dude, who the fuck do you think you are with those looks and that personality?

Who do you think you are?

I think he had tunnel vision.

I think he had his mindset on that girl.

He really liked that girl.

In his mind, he already had them as boyfriend and girlfriend.

And that's all he was going to focus on.

He wasn't going to look anywhere else.

He had blinders on.

My one note for this was Gary looks like he wants to devour Karen.

The way he's staring at her, it's like, Jesus Christ almighty.

Like, how is nobody noticing this?

Yeah, yeah, it was creepy.

I mean, you would think, too, at least even the friend Doug.

Wait, not Doug, David.

David wouldn't even know because he said, I mean, he said a couple of things to David throughout the movie about Karen.

So you would think at the very least, if they were all good friends, at least David might have said, you know, Rick, I think Gary has a crush on Karen or something, but,

you know, maybe they weren't that good of friends, or they were all just focused on themselves.

Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

Every single person just cared about whatever,

how anything was affecting them.

But we learned that you can't drown crabs, which was something that I learned too.

Right.

You cannot.

so we're back to the malt shop.

Yes.

Oh, no, wait, we go to, well, they go to get crab medicine, but it's so unfunny that it's not worth mentioning.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know, you can kind of figure it out.

They don't want to say what they have, and the pharmacist thinks that they have, you know, it's

fleas for a dog.

So yeah, it's not funny at all.

So yeah, so they're, they're back at the diner, the arcade thing.

Gary asked David where Karen and Rick are, and Victor says they went to the football field to do it.

He doesn't just say that.

And this is why Victor's awesome.

He says, Rick's going to bust her cherry.

Like, those are the words he used.

He knows what he's doing.

Yeah, I didn't, until talking to you, I really didn't realize how cool Victor was.

So they, yeah, they go to the football field.

And here, this kind of gets a little bit creepy.

So I never done anything like this.

So Gary goes to the football field to check it out,

to watch, to stalk.

This was crazy.

My note for this was: Gary the Cook spies on Rick as Karen's cherry explodes all over the bleachers.

And he shows up in this big pink station wagon with a 10-foot-tall Guido on top, and he thinks he's not going to get seen, which he didn't.

They didn't notice him there.

I mean, it's not a very stealth car, but yeah, Rick does pop Karen's cherry.

And here, up to this point, it just dawned on me now.

The last American Virgin is Karen, not Gary, right?

Yeah, it should be.

Yeah.

That's who the story should be.

The title should be centered around.

Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

You're right.

Yeah.

So they end up back at the diner, and

Gary's like the last one there.

He's sitting there all by himself as they're like sweeping up and cleaning up.

And Gary and Karen and Rick come in.

Rick's got to go use the bathroom probably to clean up.

And Karen goes and sits next to Gary because she sees him sitting alone.

Or no, or is it the opposite?

It might be the opposite.

It says Rick comes in and reports to Gary that he fucked Karen.

Still doesn't, apparently still doesn't know that Gary likes her.

Then Karen comes in and then Gary storms off and drives away.

You're right.

Yeah, because Rick then tells Gary that he fucked her and she's no longer a virgin.

And Gary gets really mad and starts calling him a liar.

You're a liar.

You're a liar.

And I don't know why he would think that because, dude, like Tyler.

He knows for a fact.

You just saw it.

You were just there.

Not everybody.

Yeah, is it possible Gary just hates himself and that's why he would go watch that shit?

Well, I was going to say, you know, not everybody's like you, Gary.

Some people can pull the trigger.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Gary's fault.

I mean, it's Gary's fault for not reading the initial signal, which was like, he's like, do you have a boyfriend?

She's like, no, see you later.

To including this moment where she fucks the other guy.

Like, what, what is it you're you're not reading, bro?

Why is it you don't get?

Dude, right at that point, when Rick says that he fucked Karen, he should have been on the phone to Rose to see what she was doing the next day.

There's no way he should have still been pining over her.

Let's see.

So then we're back at school.

Gary's at school.

He sees Karen and Rick are now fighting in the library.

And this only happens in movies and TV where this kind of shit is so quick to be found out.

Because I got the feeling this was the next day.

I got that feeling too.

That it was the next day that she found out she was pregnant.

I mean, that's that's pretty quick.

Pretty soon, yeah.

That's that's not going to happen.

But she finds out that she's pregnant, and you assume that Rick and Karen are fighting over the pregnancy.

And Rick is just acting like a real dirtbag at this point.

Yeah.

He's uh, well, she's like, hey,

that it's going to be okay.

And then Karen's like, well, I'm pregnant.

And then

that's what they're arguing about.

Rick doesn't give a fuck.

And then I guess Karen leaves.

And then Gary and Rick start arguing back and forth about it.

And at a certain point, Rick's like, you know what?

She probably wasn't even a virgin anyway.

And that's what, like, that matters.

Yeah, like that set Gary off.

Yeah, that set him off.

And they really start fighting.

And this is where Rick, he really sounded like

his inflection completely changed into like surfer guy because he's like, all right, dude, like anytime, pizza boy.

It was a really strange

affect he put on.

I don't know why.

You know, the thing too is like Rick, when he was arguing with Karen, she was trying to talk to him and he was like,

just get out of here.

Get out of here.

You're embarrassing me in front of everybody.

I talk about a 180 from, you know, a couple days ago or yesterday, you just this girl, you are her first, and now all of a sudden you're to the point where you're like, get away from me, you're going to embarrass me in front of all the people in the library.

And this is before he finds out that she's pregnant.

Yeah, that's yeah, exactly.

Um, yeah, so and then they like you said, they get into a fight.

I mean, at this point, Gary is now feeling, he's got to be feeling like he lost his friend, and he's got to be feeling like he lost this girl.

Oh, yeah, I mean, you think

Sure.

Now,

so I guess Gary reassures Karen that he'll be okay

and that he'll help and blah, blah, blah.

And then there's a ski trip coming up.

There's a big ski trip that everybody's going on.

And Gary, instead of going on the ski trip, he tells his parents that he is, but he goes to his grandmother's house.

He brings Karen, I wrote, he brings Karen to his dead grandmother's house.

reports that she's been dead for over a year and no one has been in the house since why would you say that to someone someone like why would they need those details like my grandmother she passed away you don't need to know all those finer details i think gary just doesn't know how to converse he's probably not with very many women he doesn't know what to say yeah and so stupid shit starts coming out of out of his mouth i guess yeah i mean he and he's like uh

Karen's crying and Gary once again reassures her that he knows dozens of girls who have had this done because, you know, they're intimating that she's going to get an abortion.

Dozens?

Dude, I haven't seen you talk to one girl the entire time.

So, how do you know dozens?

Maybe Millie called him to let him know that she was pregnant.

He's claiming that he knows at least 24 girls who have had abortions.

I don't believe him.

We haven't seen him talk to more than three girls in the entire movie.

Yeah, and two of the three has zero interest in.

So, I, I, you know, can we talk a little bit about the um abortion doctor that they bring her to?

How cold she is.

With the fact that they only take cash.

They only take cash.

She's a real like,

and this is where Gary has to suck it up because Gary's with her and at the abortion clinic.

So the woman automatically assumes that Gary's the father and is annoyed by it and really is just like.

real shitty to them.

Like, and she's like, you have to pay in cash and you have to,

which doesn't make any sense because he paid afterwards so he could have just been like you and walked away

put it back yeah right still stick it back in there stuff it up like a turkey and this was really crazy this shot that they had in this i said the abortion is cut with footage so showing gary trying to scrape up money abortion footage is horrifying first

the the camera for whatever reason starts on her legs and tilts up, showing her full bush, her boobs, and her crying face and and then there's a doctor with like i was like there's a doctor with a pockmark fake face who looks like he belongs in human centipede

like uh

and then then it goes up to and she's crying and

uh

i guess it's to show how traumatic it is maybe how vulnerable yeah

i mean the fact when they put her in the stirrups and they are um cinching down her feet

which which I mean, I don't know.

You know, I don't know if that really happens because then they knock her out unconscious, right?

They use the anesthetic to put her to sleep.

So, is there a need to

strap the feet in if somebody is completely asleep?

I mean, I don't know.

But they then show him running all over the town doing whatever it takes to try and get money.

I mean, like, he's, you know, he's reaching into cookie jars and he's selling stereo equipment.

He's begging his boss for the remaining hundred bucks that he needs for this abortion.

The abortion, it would cost 250 bucks, which I looked up.

It was today be about $700,

roughly, somewhere in there.

No, I mean, for a lifetime, you're paying for a lifetime of not having to deal with a child.

Well, I'm just thinking, too, just a medical procedure for $700

is insane.

You can't even get a wart taken off for $700.

No, no, please.

Braces, Mary just got done with braces.

I wish they were $700,

but he does scrape together the money.

And, you know, and I empathized with him because this, I know he likes her.

This is a real nice guy thing to do.

This is a solid, I mean, he kind of wins you back here because he has been a little bit of a shitbird up to that point.

with his obsessiveness and his stalkery bullshit.

But here is where he's like, I'm going to just,

she doesn't have anybody else.

She's new, I guess.

So I'll help her out.

I will skip this.

I'll bring her to my dead grandmother's house.

How did I mention she's been dead for a year and the house has been empty ever since?

That's what that smell is, Karen.

Don't worry.

That's what the smell is.

She's in the closet.

And I didn't tell anybody I killed her.

We're still collecting her social security.

So post-abortion, you know, pays for it.

Post-abortion, they go back to grandma's house.

I really didn't understand why he was shirtless in so many of these scenes.

Maybe he he was trying to turn her on

i mean moments after an abortion it was very odd i thought that like there are many shots where like he's just not wearing a shirt for some reason

you know it's not like he just got out of the shower he just doesn't have a shirt on yeah i i i i noticed uh i noticed that too and i i don't know what the reasoning behind it would be i don't remember how his physique was i mean was he

muscular i mean i don't know i don't know i wrote here's my note for this is uh gary shirtless reads a magazine as Karen rests.

Like a gentleman, he moves her magazine to pull her shirt down so he can't see her under boob.

You know, like, I guess her shirt was riding high.

How he saw it, I don't know, because the magazine was over.

I said, However, he still purrs on her as he stares at her underpants.

He sleeps on the couch and makes her breakfast the next day.

And then at breakfast, Frank Five, what happens?

Well, at breakfast, he

finally tells her how he feels about her and that he loves her and that he's always loved her.

And they kiss.

I wrote, she gives him a serious kiss, and I don't know why, but I was like, it looks like he's trying to hold in a mouthful of shit.

Like, his face looks so weird when he was doing it.

He was probably mid-vomit.

He was probably so nervous.

He must have been, but he was like,

it was a little touching.

It was sweet, you know, like his, if had he done this a long time ago, who knows the way it would have went.

But she kisses him, you know, nice kiss.

Like, hey, I like you too.

You start, I mean, you start pulling for them a little bit.

You know, it's like, has she finally seen what a nice guy he is?

Is he finally going to get his,

you know, the girl of the quote-unquote girl of his dreams?

I don't know.

I, like I said, I kind of pulled for him at this point.

I remember, you know, long, long time ago, I mean, I had a friend who was a female and I did the same thing.

I put it all out on the line, not the dead grandmother apartment, but I was like, Hey, listen, I like you, blah, blah, blah.

And I got shot down.

So, so I felt very good for Gary.

This was the story that Mary was like, You're not going to tell us on a pod, are you?

I mean, look, it happens, it happens to lots of people.

When I was in seventh grade, I mean, that's pretty young.

I was like 12 or 13.

Uh, there was a play, and I was just a stage hand in back, but there was a girl, she was a senior.

I don't know why I thought I had a chance.

The only time I think I've ever approached a girl, and this is probably why I never did it again,

but she

was like, oh my God, she's so pretty and like this kind of stuff.

Not like I want to fuck her, but like pretty.

So

my aunt owned a pharmacy in town.

I went down there.

I picked out this little locket with a K on it because her name was Karen.

Just like this one.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

And I gave it to her and she gave it back.

She was like, it's so sweet.

And she did what she had to do.

Yeah.

It doesn't dull the pain, but I totally forgot about that until right now.

I've never told that story even on Tell'em Steve Dave.

You know?

So when we shut these cameras off, both of us will probably just stay in the room by ourselves a little bit, just cry a little bit.

Yeah, lamenting our lives.

Later on, though, an interesting note.

Yeah, right.

An interesting note.

Later on,

there was an accident where like, you know, like those pulley things, like you put a rope on it and like, you know, it's a, it's like a wheel so you can like pull ropes.

Like, I guess that would open up and close the curtains.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It was up high and it fell and it hit her on the head and knocked her out right on the stage.

Really?

Not during a performance, but like during a practice.

It fucking, I saw it.

I was standing right there and I saw it fucking hit her right on the head and she just went down, man.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, she was okay, though.

You should have looked up.

I felt her up while

she was out.

I was like, it's going to be my only chance.

Remember, you said we've been dating for three months.

You don't remember?

Yeah, right.

right guys right

you guys all know right uh so this is funny so yeah so they they kiss and karen then says something about it's going to be her 18th birthday party and she invites gary to the 18th birthday party

and and he like i think any guy would think they're now an item or at least another step closer to being an item.

And he goes to buy her a romantic type of of gift

yeah a little locket

little locket that says the inscription to karen with love

that's pretty sweet right very nice and i mean you know it was like 250 bucks i think like in today's dollars something like that

because it was 80 bucks right yeah 80 bucks so i mean he's dished out a lot of money on this girl so far oh yeah

Yeah, and all the time he's spending chasing her, he's not working.

Right.

He's going gonna be at the pizza place forever from all the money he's borrowed borrowed from his boss yeah no he's very nervous because the jeweler is like hey i don't know if i'm gonna be able to get it done by tomorrow and and gary he yells at him he's like what no you gotta you know uh and the the jeweler's like all right all right and so the jeweler says i can get it done

and then we cut to well before the jeweler even uh gary goes home and he pretends he was skiing And from that point on, he's on top of the world.

Like he's a totally different guy.

He's not the mope that he's been in the whole fucking movie up to this point.

He's now like, he's got a fucking, he's got steam in his stride.

He's got a spring in his step, this guy.

So he goes, he does the jewelry store thing, and then he goes to Karen's house.

He's got the locket.

It's his birthday.

It's her birthday.

Huge party for a person who just moved into town.

And fuck the guy almost immediately.

That's why she's so popular.

I guess so.

Yeah, I mean, it was, it was a huge packed party.

And, you know, he, he, he walks in, all their class is there.

He's got this, you know, he goes up to his friend, David, I think was the first one, right?

Have you seen Karen?

Oh, she's in the kitchen.

He's got the locket.

And I could feel for him, you know, he was just so excited.

He wanted to give her this gift.

He's like, this is what it was all for, this moment.

This is so important.

That's why he was so mad at that jeweler.

The jeweler just didn't understand how important this was going to be.

He's ready to seal this deal.

Yeah.

So he winds his way through the party.

They're in the kitchen.

Karen, but she's not alone.

Rick's in the kitchen with her.

And they're not talking.

And the reason they're not talking is because they're making out.

How fucked up was that?

That was fucked up.

I can't recall what my reaction was like back when I saw it when I was a kid.

But when I re-watched like maybe 15 years ago, I was like, holy shit.

I couldn't believe it.

Like, I was shocked.

I mean, but like in retrospect, everything was leading up to that moment.

Yeah.

I really thought it was going to be the happy ending, literally, but I really thought it was going to be the happy ending.

They were going to, you know, be boyfriend and girlfriend.

And

I remember Mary was, we were both laying on the couch.

She was at one end, I was was at the other end, and I was watching a little portable DVD player.

And he had the headphones in.

And then when that happened and they showed them kissing, I went, oh, shit.

And she was like, what, what?

What happened?

What happened?

I says, you're not going to believe this.

And

I was heartbroken.

I felt so bad for that kid.

It was like that.

He'll probably get PTSD from that moment because not only were they making out, like they're making out for a little bit.

and then Karen notices him there and she stops and she just looks at him.

And the look she gives him is almost like,

what'd you think was going to happen?

And then Rick notices that he's, that Gary's in there and he turns to look at him.

And basically, he's like, sorry, sorry, Charlie.

They both just stare at him for a second while he's standing there with this locket.

Like, like a total jerk off.

Yeah.

Even though he's not.

He's not like every, dude, dude, everybody.

I mean, I guess you don't want to be pitied as a human.

Like you don't want to fall into that category.

But it's like every single person feels bad for you because so many people have been in your situation.

So you don't need to feel bad about this, but I understand because I'd feel the same way.

I'd be so humiliated that

I don't know how I could, I don't know how I could handle it.

I don't know what I'd do.

Well, I mean, and you got to think about it, this girl that you spent all this money on that you didn't have, you went out of your way to help her because the friend was so shitty you got into an argument with this lifelong friend of yours so i mean you lost a friend you lost this girl you lost money and on top of it you you you're made to look like the fool i mean how you how do you recover from it takes years to cover that yeah i mean you've gained a locket that you can't use but

you have to bring it back to the pawn shop and uh see if you can pawn it gary is kind of like how people call them incels today.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

I just learned this the other day because of what happened on the

somebody got killed.

Oh, yeah,

some yeah, some the Toronto, the massage parlor, somebody went into a oh, yeah, yeah, and I never knew what an incel was until I read about it.

Yeah, but like when you think about that movie, you're like, I can totally see him turning into that, yeah, that fucking super angry at women.

That scene of when he just turns around, gets into his car,

starts driving away, and he's crying.

He's fucking crying.

They broke him.

And then the movie just ends.

Yeah, and then the movie just fucking ends.

What does this say that I think this was the best movie we've done so far?

I agree.

It was definitely the most realistic

in terms of like

not the situations as much as the vibe and the feeling and being able to empathize with what so many people in this movie were going through, you know.

I mean, all those 80s movies that we watched, we looked for bits and pieces that we could kind of relate to.

And in this movie, other than some real major points, I mean, we found stuff that we both can relate to.

You know,

you liking a girl and a girl not liking you, friends competing over a girl,

you know, buying something and having it you know basically return to you from a girl i mean it's just

there was a lot there there was a lot there and then for it to end you know i think as humans we like to see the story end as a happy ending and it sticks with us when it doesn't like did you see uncut gems no i've heard it's good though it's very very good i won't say any more about that but you know you're hoping for a happy ending and when you don't get it it has a tendency to stay with you maybe that's why that toronto guy went wild he didn't get his his happy end.

He never got his happy end.

Yeah.

Ah, nice.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

So that's it for

Last American Virgin.

Frank, I was wondering one last thing I had to ask you a question.

Why do you think today, in so many teen comedies, we're deprived of all these nice boobs, nice teen boobs, but only 30 years ago, boobs are plenty.

Yeah.

Well, Bri, it was the times.