#444: Four Colors For Life

Fucking Mr.

Joe

fucking big money bags, Rogan.

What kind of monster trains a French bulldog to fight?

You don't wake up with piss boners?

I do.

I do wake up with piss boners.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I'm here with Q and I'm here with Walt.

And I believe pretty soon we're going to be going to Spotify.

We have a $100 million deal, just like Joe Rogan.

Did you hear that?

No, what's going on?

Joe Rogan went to Spotify and it appears to be a $100 million deal.

Wow.

That's a lot of

millions.

It's 100 of them.

Good for him, man.

What does he talk about?

He talks about

some extremely interesting people.

He's a very interesting guy himself.

He's like, he's not like us.

He's like man's man, like something needs to be fixed or an elk needs to be killed and dressed.

During this quarantine, I've actually done some fucking DYI.

Oh, really?

I thought you were going to go back to that S-hook on your pool from years ago.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I've done some DYI

in this downtime.

So, like, he just talks.

Well, there's video, but I mean, he talks to guys like Elon Musk.

Does he pay them to come on?

I don't think so.

So when this $100 million so the people that come on, they don't, they don't, he doesn't throw them a little something for coming on because he's helping them.

I mean, they're helping him garner this kind of.

I don't think Musk needs the money.

No, Elon Musk doesn't need the money.

I mean, some people may need the money, but I think it's at this point, it's an honor to be on Rogan.

Really?

Like, Jordan asked if he wanted me to come on.

He's like, fuck no.

This was a couple of years ago.

I was still on TV and he still didn't care.

Really?

He said that?

Yeah, well, I don't know if.

I don't think he said fuck no, but

I mean, he may as well have.

And on top of it, I wore one of his

podcast t-shirts on the TV show.

Yeah, I remember you wearing it.

I can respect it, though, then, because he's like, thanks for wearing the shirt, but you're still not interesting enough to be.

He doesn't know who the fuck I am.

He's saying, like, look,

you can't just throw on a t-shirt and then that's your ticket onto the show.

Right.

And it shouldn't be.

But we almost beat him for Best Podcast, though.

Imagine that.

Look at that route.

Us not winning that fucking award six years ago

is why we're sitting still at a poker table and he's fucking burning thousand-dollar bills on a $100 million contract.

It's just too much.

I don't know what to do with it all.

I've got to burn it up.

The trajectory,

the different routes two different podcasts took.

Yeah.

Is it the most listened-to podcast?

Like, is it just.

It's up there.

I think it has to be.

Really?

I mean, we'll look it up right now.

But yeah, he...

And not much is changing, you know, because that's the first thing people get real nervous, I guess, that things are changing.

But I think his video in six months will just be going to, because it's always on YouTube.

I mean, he's been doing it for free for a long time.

So, Spotify, you have to pay for it?

Spotify is free.

So, the podcast will still be free, but once they get into the video portion, I think that's when you have to start paying.

So, he just talks to celebs.

Celebrities are like.

Doesn't even come up with any games or anything?

No, I don't know.

Doesn't he come up with any games?

No games.

Oh, guess what?

We got a new game today.

Fucking Mr.

Joe

fucking big money bags, Rogan.

I'm glad Neil deGrasse Tyson turned down our invite

so they can play a game today.

This could be good for us, though.

Maybe we should be happy at Mr.

Rogan, not angry.

Because they'll be like, Spotify will be like, holy shit, we got the big one.

And then everybody else will be like, oh, fuck, fuck, we got to get someone.

Who could we get?

Give me a third-free podcast, quick.

Like Zoom did.

Exactly.

Like, you know, like another

one of these

platforms is like, okay, we got to get exclusive podcasts.

We'll get these guys $1,000.

We'll get them a thousand.

Wow.

Well, there is the, like, you have to imagine when you hear that and you hear that Spotify wants to get into non-music type stuff, every podcaster is going to want to throw their hat into that ring, right?

Because they're like, well, if they have 100 million to give one guy.

And if I was an investor in Spotify, I would not be very happy.

I would be like, really?

100 million?

That seems like a lot.

That seems like too much.

He'll probably make that in a month, month, though.

More than that.

Doesn't he just get high and talk to people?

Yeah.

So, I mean, imagine that.

Plus, make it $100 million.

That'd be fucking awesome.

I mean, what about what's the planning in that, though?

Cement head, man.

Why don't you smoke up, man?

Maybe we can make some money.

We'll get that psychic from down the street back.

Wow, $100 million.

Good for him, man.

I mean, I've never listened to an episode.

I guess I'm one of the few, I guess.

I've never listened to either.

Yeah, but

I've listened to it.

It's pretty interesting.

It's just long.

It's like you don't have that much time to dedicate to it.

He does it, what, once a week, too?

No, I think he does it four days a week.

Oh, really?

It does it four days a week, and it's like four hours a day.

It's a long time.

It's like a Stern show.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So he's the new Stern.

He's this generation Stern.

I guess so.

Yeah, except he's not like the

wild, like, I mean, not that Stern's wild anymore, but he never had that like his wildest moment was probably he hosted Fear Factor,

you know with all that gross food shit

And bugs and insects.

Can you imagine?

I saw online today a Chinese guy eating a rat biting a rat's head off.

Alive?

No, it was dead, but it didn't look any less.

No, it didn't look cooked.

It just looked like a fucking dead rat just hanging there in his hand, and he was saying something.

Ozzy bites a head off a bat.

Everybody fucking loves him for it.

I still love Ozzy for doing it.

Yeah, if this guy could fucking sing a song, I'd love him too.

If he had belted out crazy trader, he'd pick a bat's head off.

Then you would have been all into it.

I'd have no problems.

So, yeah, that's Joe Rogan.

You really should have told, you shouldn't have led with that.

Now I'm all fucking depressed.

I don't even feel like.

I tell you what, I got to do is I got to get Sal to start doing what say you were.

100 million split two ways, more than 100 million split three ways.

You got to start getting some of your fancy friends.

Like, he has Tony Hawk.

He has Patton Oswalt.

He has Elon Musk.

You know, he has all these.

He's very, I mean, every day it's someone different.

He's so reliant on celebrities, though.

Tell him Steve Dave just relies on fucking get him.

Sunday Jeff.

And I think we're starting to see why we're not getting 100 million.

Yeah.

The foundation is rotted over here.

Rough for our eyeballs in the middle.

It's pure.

It's pure.

We're not fucking star fuckers.

This is true.

Well,

I mean, Ian K.

Morris said he'd call back in.

I talked to Ian.

Hey, Spotify, we got Ian.

How much do we get now?

Wow.

Well, wait a second.

Yeah, fuck Joe Rogan then and all his money.

You said you did a DIY project.

How did we get Joe Rogan so quickly?

Because you said he's a man's man.

He puts shit together.

Oh, right.

Okay.

My daughter got a new

bed

um you are where you not the mattress because it's a casper mattress but the actual bed itself yeah the headboard and everything

and it was delivered and put together by the delivery guys and they said that there wasn't enough slats to uh for the mattress like with the the manufacturers

product didn't have enough slats so if you laid on it they felt the bed would sink

So my wife was online then trying to buy a box spring or trying to buy some sort of like $200 thing that would go underneath the bed to keep the mattress upright.

Okay.

And I said, Don't we have some pallets downstairs that the skulls came on

that we still haven't gotten rid of?

And I she said, absolutely.

How do you feel about putting your mattress on some pallets?

So I ripped the pallet,

ripped the pallet cross sections or whatever they're called.

The slats?

Slats.

Ripped them off with what the other side of a hammer.

I don't know what the other side's called, but

you claw.

Yeah, the claw.

Took two of them,

brought it to work.

Giddam got me a saw, a hand saw.

I measured it, what it would go, where it would have to go, and then I put a pencil line on it, and I cut it.

I brought it back.

Fit like butter.

Usually it fits like a glove, but you're saying butter in this situation.

It fit fit like butter, and you should have seen my wife's face.

She couldn't believe it.

You must have gotten some that night.

You must have.

Definitely.

But I didn't even need it.

It was just, I couldn't believe it.

You were like, I can't believe I did it.

Now, did you get psyched up?

Like, I want to do more stuff.

No.

Or you're like, I'm just going to fucking quit while I'm in there.

Let me ride that.

Let me ride that one out for a while.

Hey, how's your bed doing?

Like three months later.

Yeah, but I mean, it was the perfect solution.

And all it took was a pencil, some slats that we had kicking around anyway, and a handsaw.

I thought you were going to say you just piled kissing devil skulls under the bed.

Yeah, but I did that.

So that was a little DYI.

Nice.

So, Joe Rollins.

I don't know.

Take that, Joe Robert.

Go kill your elk.

Go kickbox.

That's the other thing.

He's super into MMA.

Oh, yeah.

He looks like he's fucking all roided out.

He's the guy who called out Fallon Fox, where he's like, that's a dude beating shit out of a woman.

He was the first guy to sort of be against transgender oh yeah mma fighters yeah

so

okay good for him you know hey there's enough there's enough room at the table right well do we talk

do we talk to our people and say like do we throw our hat in the ring it's what nothing changed yeah why not i think i think they are we're well aware of the we're tapped out

So there's no hope for us.

Well, fuck it then.

We didn't need Spotify before.

We don't need them now.

Although I think people do use it to.

Yeah, Yeah, aren't we on Spotify?

I think so.

That's the problem.

We're giving away our product for free.

Oh, well.

We're for the people.

Right.

Always have been.

Always will be.

Patreon content.

Yeah.

Well, it's still for the people.

This is for the people with disposable cash.

Select people.

I always sell out, I see.

Before we

get to your game, Walt, I wanted to.

We could save it till later.

There's no rush on it.

It's not that good.

It's not?

No, I mean, I don't know.

It's kind of interesting, maybe.

It really depends.

We'll see.

I wanted to get your take on this, Q.

I don't think you'll have much to add, but everybody loves a Frenchie, right?

Bulldog?

Yeah.

I haven't met anybody who doesn't love a Frenchie.

Oh!

I never saw this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I heard about it.

This is crazy.

What happened?

An Illinois woman was viciously mauled to death inside her home by her own rescue French bulldog.

How?

52.

I'm wondering.

She was found dead in her home.

They found her mutilated body on the back porch.

An autopsy confirmed she died from injuries sustained when her dog attacked her.

The coroner said the attack began in the home, but she managed to make it out on the porch to where she died.

And the coroner said the rescue dog had previously been used to fight.

You don't think about it happening with a smaller breed, but we forget these animals can be powerful.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Cooper said most of the bite marks were not on the woman's neck, but that was not the Cooper, wasn't the dog.

You can't talk.

It was a doctor who, I guess, examined the woman and said

most of the bite marks were not on her neck, but instead on her legs and arms and some on her torso.

It was just a lot of bites and a lot of scratching.

I hate to say it, but unfortunately it was a vicious attack.

I assumed that the victim

was in her 90s.

Wow.

Yeah, 50s.

That's what I thought.

Maybe it was some invalid,

some lady that couldn't fight off a Frenchie, but this was a young woman.

Did it give you pause?

You're 52.

Well, you know what?

Immediately I knew how pit bull owners felt.

You know how they get very defensive when a story comes up like this.

You know, I started going online, fucking shouting on Facebook, you know, shouting down all these people who are like condemning Frenchies.

I made sure to log out afterwards.

But yeah, I know how they felt.

Were they condemning?

They weren't condemning Frenchies.

Did you see anybody condemning Frenchies at all?

I know.

know.

I did see this, and I was stunned because I don't know how this could happen.

Knowing what I know about French Bulldogs, I've never seen a more

lovable and docile breed of dog.

I mean, it's crazy.

Right now, I just want to just run right home and hug him.

Yeah, we'll give it 45 minutes and we can do it.

We're going to talk about Blue Chew first.

Our selling out ain't done yet, boys.

I don't know how a French Bulldog could do this.

I do know he has powerful jaws.

Isn't this a small little mouth on this thing?

No, it's a big mouth.

They have big mouths, but he would never hurt anything.

I just don't know how this could happen.

This had to be a dog that, you know, that one in a billion dollars serial killer dog.

Yeah, it just had to be.

Or it had to be, like it said, trained to fight.

I don't know how this could happen.

What kind of monster trains a French bulldog to fight?

Or any dog.

Well, you know, there's some dogs that are prone to it.

Like, I mean, right?

Aren't their dogs breed it just to fight?

Yeah, I mean, illegally, but they are bred to fight.

Or they were a long time ago, they were bred to guard dogs.

They're war dogs.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, I like that war dog.

Rottweilers, and that was a Nicholas Cage movie, wasn't it?

I never saw

this, yeah.

Oh, was it Nick Cage or I thought it was Nicholas Cage?

But what kind of animal does that?

What kind of animal, like, sees that French bulldog, waddle up to you, and is like, I'm going to fucking make that dog kill another dog?

Somebody who's it's basically like the training wheels of dog fighting, right?

Because he's such a little like friendly guy.

Like, if I can turn this dog,

I can turn any dog.

Well, maybe you train that dog to be super vicious, and then and then you put it in fights, and everybody bets against it because they're like, That Frenchie's gonna get ripped to pieces, and then boom, you make a ton of money because you've got the meanest dog on the block.

Hmm.

The cute skin.

Have either of your dogs ever shown any sort of aggression at all?

Um, yeah, I think Socks

is the alpha dogs.

Socks, like, you know, she growls, shows her teeth.

She lets the other one know that

she's top bitch.

It's Blue Chew, you say.

Well, we could talk about Blue Chew if you want.

Sure.

You guys love boners, right?

I mean, having them.

Have you ever gotten a boner that you wish you never got, Q?

I regret no bonus.

Ever?

No.

Like, when you're just like, oh my God, like, I cannot believe this is happening, Ryan.

This is the most inopportune time to ever get one.

Maybe when I was a teenager, but I don't know.

The men's room.

No, that's where you go to get them.

Never.

You never had one where you're like, holy shit, what is going on?

Why am I getting aroused right now?

I don't think not that I recall.

Yeah, okay.

I didn't have that like in school.

Like, that's the cliche.

Like, you go up to the board to do a problem and it's like, oh no, it's the worst time ever.

I'm getting a boner.

That never happened.

That never happened, huh?

Might happen to you?

I don't know if it ever happened to me, but I've always heard stories about like, you know, like the most inopportune time to get one was like you had to go up and deliver a thesis in front of the class or something

no no what school were you going to I don't remember our senior thesis

my thesis was on

ill-timed erections ill-timed boners that would be pretty good and the fallout

how you get shunned afterwards

all right so this episode is sponsored by Blue Chew remember guys remember the days when you're always ready to go like you don't waste boners these days like you're 52 there is no in our you don't wake up without you don't wake up with piss boners do i do wake up with piss boners you still got it i think i still got it a little bit yeah it's all this testosterone that i'm getting pumped up with man so you do i'm like joe rogan

unless you're unless you're unless you're doing something before you get up and take a pee you're wasting it

well sometimes i do sometimes i do sometimes i just attack in the middle of the night you know

uh like a like a french bully like a Frenchie.

I'm like, not that bad.

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Wait, wait, wait.

Quick question, though.

Why do you think you get piss boners?

Because like during the day, I might have to take a whiz, but I don't get a boner.

Oh, I know why.

Why?

It's because it's actually your body stopping you from peeing the bed.

Oh, yeah.

Because it comes out the same tube, and you know how you can't piss when you get a boner.

So if your mind is off and your body realizes it has to pee, it sends blood to the erection to block it off so you don't pee the bed.

It's really.

Yeah.

Science.

Yeah, man.

It's like we have our own Neil deGrasse Tyson here.

100 million.

Wow, I did not know that.

I just assumed that it was, you know, I must have had a crazy dream.

No, nothing to do with your dreams.

Wow.

It's biology, son.

Sexy dream.

Would you be able to tell your significant other, like, oh, I had a sexy dream.

It wasn't about you.

Oh, no, no.

Yeah, me too.

Me personally, I would never.

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That's it.

But what about dudes who can't get boners?

Are they constantly wet in the bed?

I don't know.

That's never been a concern that I've thought about.

Yeah, you wonder if

they have to make sure they get up

a couple times in the evening so they don't, because they're not getting the erection to keep the...

This is a good question for a doctor.

Don't we have any doctors?

How fucking...

I could ask Eric.

Yeah, ask Eric.

I'm going to call him.

That would be pretty humiliating, right?

You wake up, you're like, I can't really get boners anymore.

You wake up and you've pissed all over yourself, the bed, and your wife.

Yeah.

Walter, Walter, wake up.

Oh, God.

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All right.

Nice.

We should play a game now.

Really?

You want to play anything else?

What's that?

Oh, I have other stuff you want to talk about.

I have an issue.

Oh, yeah.

An issue.

I have an issue.

That doesn't sound good.

No, it's I need I'm stunning.

I need glasses.

Welcome to the club.

Oh, man.

It's the worst.

Just so you know.

I didn't think I would ever come, that day would ever come for me.

And it came.

I mean, it's getting worse.

It's really depressing for me because my vision's always been like

eagle vision.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I thought I had eagle eyes too.

I was wrong.

Now, like, I'm looking at the sh the microphone.

It's fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy.

That's where it gets clear.

Yeah.

How old are you?

44.

Yeah, that's it.

That's about it.

It just happens, man.

There's nothing you can do.

Yeah, there's literally nothing you can do.

Like, you can't get LASIK.

You can't do this.

It's like the cornea is harden or something, and they're like, unless you've got a cornea transplant, which is probably on the left-hand side.

Does this

make you feel a little melancholy?

This I find a little depressing.

How come?

Because I've

like, I'm not even kidding.

When we used to take, we do the yearly physicals for the fire department.

Like, like, my vision was always

sniper vision.

Yeah, I was the top guy.

And it's sniper vision.

That's what a guy said.

He goes, if you were in the military, you'd be a sniper.

I bet you took that as a badge of honor, right?

Yeah.

Not a cowardly fucking sniper on the fucking top of a building.

Like Charles Whitman.

This is war, man.

I'm

covering my brothers on the field.

I got to have a sniper vision.

Who's that dude in the fucking go to get a job in a book depository?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Lee Harvey awesome.

I was leaving the fire department, guys.

Jones over there said I had sniper visions.

I want to go to the White House.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Q, Q, Q.

Well, those days have passed me, Walter.

They're gone.

They're done.

I can't.

And it's a constant reminder that I'm getting older because I now,

every second of every day, I don't see as well as I used to.

Things look different to me now.

Yeah, things just look different.

And so it's just like that first time it happened.

Did you realize what it was?

Because I didn't realize what it was.

I was like, fuck, man, why are my eyes so watery?

I must have like something in my eye.

And I didn't realize what it was.

And then slowly it dawned on me.

Yeah.

That holy shit, it's just...

My eyes are going.

It's happening.

Yeah.

You got any readers yet?

I have two pairs of glasses.

I have, I could have gotten bifocals.

Right.

But

I got two two different ones.

I'm still okay seeing at a distance, really.

Yeah, I am too.

Steeing at a distance is still okay.

Yeah, I have readers.

And first of all, they're like the lens, they're like, all right, well, pick your lens.

And like, one lens is like $500.

And I'm like, all right, well, how much are those lens?

Oh, dude.

Fucking

Walgreens is your friend.

Dollar store.

That's what I'm saying.

The same optometrist.

I was like, how much are those?

He's like, they're $25.

I'm like, what's the difference?

He goes, oh, those are a little nicer.

I was like,

they're $475 nicer.

Oh, I look like Joe Rogan.

Yeah, so I got the $25

plastic turquoise readers.

Oh, yeah.

I lose mine so often that I just go to the dollar store, Dollar Tree.

Oh, because you know.

I just get like whatever.

I just try them on until I get the one that it feels the best.

Like it looks, you know, I look and I bring something with me that's small, written, and I look.

Oh, wow.

And I just buy like 10 of them because I lose them so often.

So could I, because my prescription is, my lens is a prescription, so I can just find the equivalent of that and

stop doing it.

I went to a place called Replace-a-Lens.

Like, I got these frames on eBay thinking that

they would make me look like a child molester and people would stay away.

Nobody saw that.

Doesn't work.

Nope.

Everyone's like, oh, they look good.

It's like David Koresh glasses.

I actually thought they looked pretty good when you put one.

Yeah, very 70s style.

And then I sent them away to this place, Replace-a-Lens, and then they put the, it was like 1.75 or 2.0 or whatever.

And then they just made glasses.

Now the bad part is.

Ironman glasses.

Oh, nice.

Look at you.

Yeah.

That was pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got to get into this shit, but this is, this is, this is, it's, it's bringing me down a little bit.

You know what?

Yeah, it's, it's the circle of life.

Don't worry about it.

It happens to everybody.

Everybody dead soon.

Yeah.

I mean, I'll get used to it.

Yeah, you can't let it bring you down.

It's pointless to even

let it knock you at all because because

every man deals with it.

Yeah.

You know what's great too is when you have a 26-year-old in the house who has sniper vision

and you're like, can you read this for me?

Like, she used to be like, do you need a pair of young eyes?

She would say that.

You know, bitch, I paid for your LASIC.

Oh, yeah.

But it's, yeah, it's no fun.

And then the rest of the shit comes with all this shit.

It's diminishing returns, man.

Once you hit a certain point, you're just just like, you just got to hold on and be like, I just, whatever level I can enjoy this on, I guess that's what I got to do.

Right.

Right?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no other.

I wish it was Blue Chew for the eyes.

Blue Chew for the eyes, Blue Chew for the wrinkles around your eyes, Bluetooth for all that shit.

Although, I guess there is.

It's called cosmetic surgery, but people look fucked up when they do it.

Like a lady who pulls her face back, and it's like, now you don't look like a real person.

I don't get it.

You don't look younger.

I was watching Westworld, New New Season Westworld, and Ed Harris.

Have you seen him lately?

Ed Harris.

He was in that.

Oh my God.

He was in Abyss, right?

Yeah, he was in the Abyss.

He's been a ton.

He's been everywhere.

Space Cowboys?

Was he in that?

Was he one of the guys in Space Cowboys?

Oh, he was in Apollo 13.

He was the Mission Control.

So he's on Westworld now, and his face is fucking craggly, dude.

I mean, you can't even fucking believe it.

It might be one of the most craggliest faces I've ever seen.

What does craggy mean?

Like,

just like, you know, when you say he hasn't got any work done, you're saying, yeah, no,

not at all.

Would you ever consider work, Walt?

Yeah,

but I'm afraid to get anesthesia, though.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He's a wrinkly dude.

Like, that is

a pretty craggly dude.

How old is he?

I don't know.

I mean, he still looks good.

He's a great actor and all that stuff.

But I was looking at him and I was like, it's fucking cool that he just fucking, his hair went.

He didn't fucking do anything but replace it.

He's rocking that horseshoe thing to shaves it down.

It's getting all those wrinkles.

He just leaves it.

I'm like, I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, all right, he's 70 years old.

And then I'm like, in 18 years,

I'll be 70 and look craggly like this motherfucker.

Some jerk off podcaster.

He's going to be like, have you seen Brian Johnson lately?

What a crag he is.

I know, but I think he looks cool.

I was like, fuck, man.

Like, I think that, like, he, I think, age on, like, you know, I mean, even Clinice Wood's getting a little too old right now now if you see him.

He looks so frail.

Oh, he still looks like a badass.

You think so?

Dirty Harry.

But, but, but he's like, what, 84 now?

85?

Yeah.

But if you turn back the clock, like, even 10 years, I think you would look at Clint Eastwood and he looks pretty cool still.

Yeah.

So, I mean, Ed Harris is rocking that thing.

So I don't mind aging too much because I'm hoping like I'll hit that point where I'm like, all right, I look like Ed Harris.

Craggly, but cool.

You know?

Yeah.

The vision.

Well, it gives you

face character.

It's overrated vision.

Really?

Yeah.

Can't they just shoot stem cells in my fucking eyes

and fix this shit?

Probably, if they could, it would be gold.

Don't let anybody shoot anything in your eyes, Q.

Remember what happened last time?

They didn't pay you.

I wasn't charging it.

Yeah,

I got contacts, or tried to, anyway.

They're like, basically, it'll help you see stuff up close, but you'll sacrifice a little far away.

I tried to wear them.

I'm like, it's too fucked up.

It's just like nothing looks clear.

Like, up close doesn't look clear.

Far away doesn't look clear.

So I'm like, I don't.

And the only reason I would get contacts now is just to read.

But because of the headphones, like they're not.

Would you do contacts?

I wore contacts once,

the color ones for something we were shooting, and I could not get over the feeling.

It was just.

My daughter has contacts, and she puts them in and takes them out like it's nothing.

It just creeps me out.

Yeah.

A lot of people, like touching your eye freaks out a lot of people.

Oh, yeah.

I just felt it on my eye the entire time.

And people are like, you just get used to it.

And I guess maybe you do, but I had him in for eight hours.

I never got used to it.

So, nah, contacts aren't for me.

This has totally turned into like, we're getting older.

That's all we want to talk about now.

That's why Joe Rogan got 120 mil.

Joe Rogan's talking about how he took down a fucking bobcat by himself.

All right, let's play the game.

All right, all right.

So, I mean, I think

it's kind of common knowledge.

I don't know about knowledge, but I think it's accepted that

I don't know anybody who's disputing it anymore that I'm the most normal person.

In the world.

Well, not in the world.

I guess in our circle.

Okay, sure.

I would think that was accurate.

I don't know if anybody's arguing that or anybody's going to contest it, right?

Is there anybody going to say?

Nobody cares enough.

I think even the listeners would think that, right?

I don't know.

Let's ask them.

Well,

but the game I came up with, it's called Are You Normal?

Okay.

And it's three scenarios ranging from the mundane to the insane.

Okay.

That really happened.

And I want you to...

each of you to tell me what your response would be to these things.

Okay.

And we'll see how they lined up with a normal man's response.

Oh, okay.

Three scenarios:

one, just like absolutely nuts.

Crazy, crazy shit.

Things that you never think are ever going to happen to you in your life.

All right, dream about sometimes.

So I quit, gave each, so there's three scenarios, gave each one a title.

First one is Blow Job and a Haircut.

Okay.

Great.

So not chief.

So I get my haircut back when I was getting haircuts before the pandemic

at the mall, super cuts, anywhere that's got no line.

Anywhere that I look in, I'm like, okay, there's no one getting anything done.

I can walk right in and get it done right now.

And I went in to get a haircut at the mall, the local mall,

right after the mall opened.

So it's like 10.30, 10.15 in the morning.

And I walked up to the lady and I was like, Can I get a haircut?

And she said, Absolutely, go sit down, and Jackie's going to come out and give you a haircut.

She'll be right over.

And I'm sitting there waiting and waiting.

I'm on my phone.

I'm not, I'm not annoyed or anything, but like, it's taking a while for this lady to come over.

And then in the mirror, I see the bathroom door open,

and this 90-year-old woman walks out.

And she saddles over and she's going to give me a haircut.

90 years old, though.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm like, and does that be an ageist to, you know, be like, whoa, I thought I was going to get the 40-year-old thing

that

usually work at these places.

So, wait, so you're asking me what I would do?

I mean, well, I mean, yeah, I mean, well, that's not the situation yet.

That's just part of it.

I mean, I would assume she would have more experience.

I'd be all right with it.

Yeah.

It's been around the block.

She cut Charlie Chaplin's hair.

She looks, you know.

She knows what she's doing.

Trimmed his mustache for him.

So she comes over.

And, like, you know what?

Would you have said anything?

Or would you let the 90-year-old come over?

No, when you say 90, are you exaggerating?

Or is it like

an Ed Harris-looking woman coming on over?

I mean, I thought she was there, like, you know, she just asked to use the bathroom because she was like, she was like, she got off the

scat bus, you know.

Thought she was a mole walker with a group of other seniors.

Here's what I do because I don't want to make her feel bad.

At least while I'm standing there.

I'm sitting there.

I'm already in the chair.

So I pretend I get a call and I'm like, I'm sorry.

Can you hold on one minute?

I leave.

I just never come back.

You would do that because she's 90?

Yeah.

I wouldn't want someone that old cutting my hair.

I just feel like they're doddering.

They'd want to know what they were doing.

At least he's honest.

Yeah, yeah.

So, so far,

you're lining up with what I did.

I let her start to cut my hair.

And then something happened while she's cutting it.

Do you want your dick sucked to?

I blew Charlie Chucklin once.

He had a piss boner.

Well, first off, I go there for like, it's a sensory thing for me, a haircut.

It's like, you know, the sound, the feel.

Not so much the

visuals, but sometimes the visuals, you know, work out.

You're in your favor.

But not this time.

She's 40, she's dressing like she's 20.

She's 90, dressing like she's 80.

But you know, she's

starting to do the conversation thing, starting to talk, and I'm like trying to make it real small talk so I can just at least enjoy the sensory, the sound and the feel of getting a haircut.

And then I noticed that

best haircut maybe I ever got in my life.

We're looking really, really good.

I'm really digging what she's doing.

The skills that she's got are definitely paying the bills.

Wow.

And then she does something that I've never had happen while I've ever getting haircut in my life.

She's looking it over, looking at trying to even up the hair in the front, like my bangs.

And she's, you know, she's having a hard time seeing, just like all of us at the table.

And she

attempts to get the stray hairs off my face.

By blowing into my face.

She blew the hair off my face.

I swear to God, she blew the hair off my face.

And thank God she had a fucking tic-tac in her mouth.

I could smell it.

But she blew the hair off my face.

Isn't that why they invented those little brushes?

Yeah.

It's one of the main tools.

Wow.

And I sat there, and what do you do, Q?

After you realize she just blew in your face, blew all the hair off your face.

Oh, yeah, let me ask something.

One,

one, she blows the once.

Is she going for another puff?

There will not be a second puff.

Well, actually, that's what I suffered the first.

For anybody who was wondering why I called this one blowjob and a haircut, that's the blowjob.

I wasn't wondering.

It's a good one, though.

So, what do you do, Q?

I would probably let that one go because what are you going to do?

It's already done.

Okay.

Let's stop there.

Ryan, what do you do?

She blows on my face.

Yeah.

I think the same as Q.

I'd be like, what the fuck?

Immediately, I'm like, I can't wait to tell those guys.

But like him, I would be like, please don't do that again.

You would tell her, don't do that again.

Would you make an issue?

Would you even

not approach it, but would you even comment on the first blow?

No, I wouldn't.

I mean, I guess I'm commenting by saying, don't do it again.

I guess that is kind of a comment on the first.

But I've gotten to a point where, like,

I just tell people shit.

Like, I'm very straightforward because I don't want to fuck around.

I don't want to be polite when people are doing fucked up up shit or stuff like that.

It's like you should know better by now.

You don't blow in someone's face.

What's the matter with you?

This is pre-Corona.

I don't give a fuck when it was.

I had no fears of like, you know, this was definitely like early February or January.

I was not worried about corona.

So you say you address it

or not.

I don't address it.

I just let it go the first time.

Okay, when she spins and does it to the back of my neck.

Then I'm like, then I would say something.

Really?

Yeah.

I'd be like, could you just do me a favor and not blow on me?

Like, is there a brush you can use?

Bro,

you've already told her not to do it, and then she spins you around and she blows on your back of your neck again.

Oh, God.

I'm like this.

I'd be like, she's, I knew it.

I knew I shouldn't have fucking sat here.

I should have listened to my gun.

I should have pretended I got a call.

Wow.

Well, both you guys are abnormal.

Are we?

Yes.

Because we didn't do what you did, which is sit there and take it.

I just didn't say a word.

I didn't say a word word either time.

I just was like, you know, oh, she goes, are you happy?

You look good.

And I was like, it looks great.

And I just got up and paid, and I gave her a tip and I walked away.

And then you never went back.

And you never would go back.

I would go back.

I would go back.

And I went back another time to get her.

But every time I looked in, I would walk by a couple of times to see if she was in there.

And she wasn't in there.

She probably died.

So I never got my haircut from her ever again.

So even though she's blowing in your face.

Well, now I would tell her.

Now I would be like, you know, hey, post-Corona.

I mean, now we're in Corona age.

That's what it takes.

I could die if you blow in my face.

So could you please not do it?

Yeah, I didn't say a word, though.

I thought that was the, I didn't want to, I don't want to embarrass her.

I didn't want to make her feel bad, you know, old lady.

There's a way that you could put it on yourself, maybe.

I don't know, but just be like, ah, I have a weird thing.

Could you not?

Yeah.

You know, like many people,

I don't like strangers blowing in my mouth.

Yeah.

It is bizarre that somebody would do that.

Usually what they do, if they don't use the brush, they take the hair dryer.

And they're like, like yeah

not not this lady she was conserving energy she's like in the 19th century this is how we get it

i mean she was blowing and like she was like the fucking wolf trying to blow down a little pig's house man she was blowing so hard in the back of my neck oh

to the back of my neck she hadn't even cut it yet she said

she passed out

a bump

sneak out without paying all right so all right so you guys are all for one both of you guys you're both abnormal shit all right That's all right.

So there's still a chance with these last two to

turn it around.

All right.

The next one is called Hot Hot Toys.

Okay.

One day I came to work and got a phone call.

Another line, it was a gentleman who claimed to be a police officer from a nearby town alerting me that I had stolen.

goods in the store

all hot toys and hot toys are a certain brand of toys that's why hot hot toys

stolen hot toys.

I thought that was clever.

You got to explain it.

Hot toys make these really high-end toys.

Usually Marvel or DC, a movie.

I have some hot toys too.

They're like $300 a pop.

High-end shit.

And when they go out of print, they go up to $500, $600 a piece.

They're very nice.

Yeah.

Really, really well done.

I mean, you can see why they charge so much for them.

But I got the DeLorean they did.

Oh, really?

That was like a $500 a piece, right?

Yeah.

That was a big money.

But I got a call from a guy who was claiming to be a detective from a town that was about, I don't know, maybe 10, 15 minutes down the road, saying that I had in my possession on my store's eBay page

what

he believes to be stolen merchandise and that these items were reported stolen.

From whom?

From a guy who filed a police report saying that these items were stolen from my house.

And then this guy went around looking on eBay and looking to see.

He did a little detective work.

And I guess he thought that there's too many things that I had in my collection that are on this guy's collection, that are on this guy's store page.

So he says, factually,

that shit's stolen.

Not like, I need to come in and take a look, or here's what happened.

Can I ask you some questions?

Yeah, no, no, not even ask me questions.

He says, you have stolen merchandise on your stores page.

Okay.

Sounds like a desperate collector.

No, no, it's a police officer.

That's what he said.

How the fuck do you know if he's really a cop?

Yeah, my first thing would be like, this isn't a cop.

Yeah.

I would think I'd be being pranked.

You guys sound a bit more normal by the second.

That's what I said.

I go, well, how do I know this is a police officer?

And there's like dead silence.

He goes, I'm a police officer.

And he says his badge.

And he goes, like, he's so annoyed at me at this point now.

And he's all gruff.

And he's like, tomorrow I'm going to come down there.

And I'm going to confiscate the toys.

And I'm going to give you a receipt.

And yada, yada, yada.

And I'm like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I need some explanation here.

I'm like, I know you fucking got to go solve the fucking Lindbergh baby.

You said that?

No, I didn't say that.

But I know you got other fucking trying cases there, but you're just like making me expect you to believe that this is real.

Like, how do we know?

And he went into it,

and he really got off the phone really quick.

I was like, I'll be there tomorrow.

Okay.

Go over it.

Just confiscate these.

He gave me the names of all the toys that were on my eBay page.

Do you know where the toys came from?

Yeah, I know.

About two months ago, some dude came in and sold me a fucking massive amount of hot toys.

So it might be the stolen toys.

They're definitely the stolen toys.

If the toys are stolen.

If the toys are stolen.

And it's not a scam.

Right.

That maybe, you know, this is why Mike Lincoln.

I didn't see that coming.

Me neither.

Some fucking dude walked in off the street months prior and was like, had all these hot toys selling out at the back of his house.

Hot hot toys.

Hot hot toys.

That's why I called it hot hot toys.

And I didn't know they were hot.

He didn't tell me they were hot.

He was just like, I'm selling my collection.

So incidentally,

if a cop calls looking for these, it's because they're stolen.

Yeah, so I buy, I make this big purchase, you know, spend over $1,000 on hot toys.

Oh, shit.

And start to list them on eBay.

And then I get a call two months later that they're stolen.

What do you do?

What's the, like, there's still, like, this is just the first stage.

So what do you do now just hearing that stage of the scenario?

So as he's off the phone, phone, he's coming tomorrow?

Yeah.

What do you do?

In my heart of hearts, I feel he's not on the level.

Well, I mean, the caller ID, I look at it, it says, oh, fuck, it's coming from a police department.

But they can fake that, though.

I might, well, look,

the least that happens is he comes in and he shows his badge and he's a cop.

Right.

Two things immediately come to mind.

I would either call the local precinct and be like, hey, I got this guy coming.

It sounds shady to me.

Let them investigate it.

Crazy.

You're fucking, you're normal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, not, well, you haven't heard yes of it, but that's what I did.

I went down to my local police station and I was like, I'm going to file a charge against this cop for fucking harassing me on the phone, you know, or this supposed cop.

Sure, he's not a cop.

I want to see if I can do something to him now for trying to scam me out of my hot toys.

Right.

My stolen hot toys.

Let her rapefully mine now.

It turns out it was.

I had, you know, he called there, there called that precinct talked to the cop and it turned out to be accurate there was a case of stolen hot toys oh wow but then i get back to the store and the owner calls the store

owner of the toys the owner of the toys the owner of the toys saying that he you know he he was looking around he saw that i had so many of the toys that he had he figured you know they had to be your toys and he goes now i looked at what some of the other things that you sold you could see completed auctions and see who sold them and he goes so i know you sold some of my merchandise already

what do you do do you cop to that

well he has evidence he has evidence so so I like no he has he has evidence that you sold those toys he doesn't know that they were his right he has no way to prove that they were his and I would say to the cop like can I ask you a question would you advise me to just believe anybody who says they're a cop when they call the store Like is that the advice you would give to someone?

And if they come in and they're like, give me those hot toys because I'm a cop.

like, that sounds fucking ridiculous to me.

You should act more professional.

But then the guy starts to go, like, he starts listing all the toys.

So, what did you buy?

He goes, from my.

Because

it was his niece's boyfriend.

Stole all his shit.

And he goes, did you have this?

These are the things.

These are some of the things that.

Well, let me ask you something.

Is he talking to you

like you're an asshole?

Or is he like...

Not yet.

Okay.

Not yet.

That's coming.

Okay.

So he's.

His tone would

dictate a lot of how I respond.

Now,

I mean, I want to run a clean shop.

You know, first and foremost, that's, that's, you know, put all that Suncoast days behind me.

A man can change.

So I want to try to do the right thing here.

You know, I've stolen goods, stolen goods.

But I did sell some of the stuff in the two months that, you know, I was made aware that the stuff was stolen.

And so I said to him, him, like, yeah, I sold it.

And then I sold that one.

And there were some things I sold in store.

So he didn't even know I had those toys, though.

Because he's just looking at my eBay page.

So he doesn't know about the three or four that I sold in store.

So do I tell him I sold those two?

Or do I just say, no, I didn't get those?

Because there's no way.

There's no paper trail.

I can never be,

you know, well, in my mind, I don't think I can be, but you know what?

I mean, between a rock and a hard place here.

I got the law fucking breathing down my neck on one end.

Now I got the owner fucking putting it.

Not to mention the barber.

Yeah, but you haven't done anything wrong.

Oh, breathing down my neck.

You don't get that on Joe Rogan.

No way.

No way.

He's too high.

That's clever, man.

Yeah, and I say, you don't get that from somebody fucking smoking doobies all day long.

You need to be fucking fresh and fucking with it.

Yeah, man.

I'm on point.

Lucy.

That's...

I would be like, this is really a conversation you should be having with your niece's boyfriend.

He's been arrested.

He told me the whole story.

He was arrested in North Carolina.

He's a heroin addict.

And

he then proceeds to tell me that

when I cop to, I have to, you know, he's got, like you said, he's got the proof that from the eBay pages that I did sell those toys.

He goes, huh, and how much do you sell it for?

And I said, how much I sold it for?

And he goes, he looking at it.

He goes, yeah, he goes, yeah, that's what you sold it for.

Or he goes, you're going to have to give me that money for that.

Then he goes,

look,

I bought these in good faith.

This is between you and your home insurance, or you and your, like, I'll give you what I have left, but it's like, why do I have to lose all the money?

Right.

That's what I said.

That's not the way the world works.

It's like, if you go into, say, a pawn shop, they have a responsibility legally to list and cross-check,

what do they call it, like the serial numbers and that kind of thing.

That's not the way it works in a store like this.

Right.

As far as you knew, like, the guy said, hey, I have all these hot toys.

I want to sell them.

It's like first time it's ever happened in the history of the stash that we brought stolen goods.

First time ever that I know of.

And so I'm like, my mouth's agape when he goes, you're going to have to compensate me for all the toys you stole.

You sold, not stole.

We didn't steal them.

Somebody else stole them.

Let me make that clear.

I didn't steal these toys.

And

so I say to him, like, why the hell aren't you not going after the fucking boyfriend?

Why would you go after me?

And he goes, well, he's got no money.

Here's what he said.

He was brutally honest because you got the money i don't he i can't get anything out of him he's got nothing i can go after him but he will have no money to compensate me so i can go back and buy the toys that were stolen from me i be like well that sucks like i don't envy your situation but that's again that's between you and him

if if the cops come down and they take it then okay what am i gonna do yeah because like By his chain of logic, the guy who bought it off you on eBay is now responsible to give it back to him.

Yeah, and

that's what he said.

And losing it.

He said he was going to contact the.

He wanted me to give the winner, because you can't see that on the eBay page.

He wanted me to provide the details and the addresses.

The addresses, oh, my voice is going for everyone who bought the toys.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't give up my fucking customers' information.

Nice.

Yeah.

You could throw me in jail, I said.

I'll never give him up.

All right.

You're like, oh,

I'll give him up at heart.

So then, well, so what do I do?

What do you do then?

Well, to me, me,

that right away, I'm like, no.

He's like, I'm not giving you the money.

I was like, I guess whatever the law says.

I'd be like, I'll give you back the stuff I bought.

Sure.

But as far as anything else, it's like, look, I acted in good faith, and that doesn't, I don't think that obligates me to pay you back anything.

Sue the guy.

I don't give a fuck if he has money or not.

That has nothing to do with me.

Yeah, but he said he's going to go away now.

He's a felon, and he's going to go away for about 10 years.

And when he gets out, then he has to start giving me compensation for the hot toys.

For the hot toys.

Okay, so in 10 years,

so you want to double dip, then?

Fuck you.

Yeah, it was crazy.

So what I did was I went back down to the police station.

I was like, can I file a complaint against this guy?

He's harassing me.

Harassment, I said.

Why?

How many times did he call?

He called two times.

One time he called back the second time to apologize, but apologize only for

being emotional.

But he still planned to sue me, though, he said.

I'll say this much.

It's not normal to file multiple restraining orders in one day

over toys.

One against a cop who's only doing his job.

And another against his job.

But I wanted to be proactive and start like having.

So when he called again, if he called, I'd be like, you know what?

I just went down and filed a complaint against you.

I thought that would maybe, you know,

make him back off.

Yeah.

And, you know, I really encouraged him.

But I didn't tell him, but the cop wouldn't even take the fucking complaint anyway.

He's like, you can't file a complaint against him.

He goes, you know,

he, and plus, he goes, he can't sue you.

He goes, you're okay.

Don't worry about it.

He kind of talked me off the ledge.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

So he can't get his stuff back because he got, he'd get the stolen stuff back that I still had in my possession, but the stuff that I had flipped in between,

I'm free and clear.

There's nothing, I didn't know.

That sounds pretty fair.

Now, did you make your money back?

I definitely

probably was either $100 up or $100 down.

I can't remember right now.

But it was close.

Close enough.

Close enough where it was like, it wasn't devastating to lose, you know, the money we had paid out to this fucking crackhead.

Really?

I mean, the choice that this guy, hot toy guy, made was to allow his niece and this fuck up to be around his toys.

It's like every choice that you made led to this guy

selling this shit to me who acted in good faith, who runs a collectible shop.

Like, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?

And it was, the crackhead didn't even look like a crackhead.

That was the thing.

He just looked like a normal dude.

Never would have thought that he was stealing or this was a shady deal.

We're everywhere, man.

Sling boxes, hot toys.

So, did they?

Who came by to pick up the products?

A woman police officer came by the next day because that police officer, the guy, McGruff,

the guy who was all fucking in my face and shit, thought he was going to scare me, rattle me.

Crime dog.

Like, I ain't shook.

You know, he was dealing with a fucking real gangster.

Yeah, man.

Like, I'm fucking hard.

I'm running fucking down to the police station three or four times to fucking try to file complaints against them.

I ripped a slat off a pallet to fucking

fix my daughter's bed.

But she was really nice, and she came down and she gave me a handwritten receipt of all the things that

she took.

And they walked away, and the toys left, and I haven't heard anything since.

Was it the hot cop?

Hot cop?

The one with the dark hair?

There's a female cop in red bands.

No, no, this was a police officer from the dude where he lived.

Oh, gotcha.

Yeah, she was a little, tiny little police officer came in and took all the hot toys away.

Was there any temptation to look at the remaining hot toys and be like, I was just skim this DeLorean off the top?

Say I sold that brick and mortar.

I'd be lying if I didn't fucking, if I wasn't torn and be like, well, he doesn't even know I had this fucking Captain Phasma.

But I'm proud of myself to say I didn't fucking skim off the top.

I was played it by the book.

No, I didn't.

I swear to God.

I didn't.

I played it by the book because I was like, it's not worth the $150.

It's for the best.

To get caught and be embarrassed and be like, well, why'd you lie to us?

What else are you lying about?

Is everything suspect in this place?

Nothing suspect in this place.

I would like it if,

like, what do you do if the hot cop is, or the cop is looking around for the hot toy?

She's like, hey, can I see your basement?

And, like, Giddam panics and pushes her down the stairs.

All right, now, I think both you guys

are pretty normal based off that.

On that one.

On that one.

Yeah, you guys both get fucking normal marks.

Nice, nice.

But now I got the last one, which is the insane one.

All right.

Let's do a Miyandi's collection first.

It has something to do with the basement, too, bro.

You just had the basement.

Oh, yeah.

It's weird that you would like segue right into a.

It all comes around.

Yeah.

Why is this fucking thing falling over?

Okay.

Let's see.

What do we got here?

And this last one will determine if you're normal or not.

I like that.

Yeah.

Because we got one, we're not normal, two, the other, the other one we are.

All right.

Summertime dreaming.

These are the days when visions of sunshine and surf dance through our heads.

Probably now more than ever.

Okay.

I'm not going to read any of that stuff.

That's nonsense.

Let's just talk about Miundis.

Let's talk about modale, micro-modale, not the full-size.

Oh, yeah.

I finally got some Miundis sent to the house.

Whoa, breaking news.

Yeah, no.

Boxer briefs still.

Oh, you want boxers, right?

Yeah.

Boxers instead of boxer briefs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What was the pattern?

Because of killer whales?

Yeah, it was pretty good.

I heard you're supposed to not call them killer whales.

Or because.

I said killer whale, and I was immediately checked.

By who?

Mary Beth.

She's like, you know, when I was in school.

Well, living by her rules.

Sounds like someone is.

Not when she's not around.

Then I say killer whale all day.

So

I have a sweet, sweet.

I have so many meundis that I've had to get rid of some.

But it's heartbreaking when you do because I love them.

Yeah.

I was looking.

They have a bee pattern.

We were just talking about bees recently, Walt.

Killer bees.

Yeah.

Oh, killer bees.

If they had a killer bee pattern, that'd be sweet.

But now they got like a lot of

killer bees.

Robes.

Maybe.

Murder bees.

Yeah, murder hornets.

Could you object to that?

I don't know.

I'll ask her.

I was thinking, you know, if on the podcast, maybe it would be okay if I said murder hornets.

What do you think?

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So, what have nothing below an XL?

No, 4XL.

But you said XL to 4XL.

Oh, I meant extra small.

Sorry.

Yeah, I was going to say.

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All right, now, Q, we got one abnormal, one normal.

So, this is really good.

This one's going to count.

We'll decide it.

You walk out of here on Normal Man

or an Abnormal Man.

The pressure.

It's called Basement Billionaire.

Okay.

Right

the shit hit the fan and we went into the lockdown, I had to go into the stash basement looking for some costumery for a project we were doing.

I'm looking for a top hat.

Okay, gotcha.

A barren hat, a purple barren hat that I knew I had, that I needed for a project we were working on that we're filming that weekend.

And I knew it was down there, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

And the basement...

It's neater than it's ever been, but it's not like super neat.

So I'm digging around looking for it, and I happen to see a bag that I've never seen in the basement before.

And pretty much I feel like

I would have noticed this bag in the fucking 20 years I've been here.

It's buried, but I'm like, I would have seen this bag by now.

I'm like, what's in this bag?

So I open up the bag, and there's nothing in the bag, but there's weight to it.

So I'm like, well, there's something in the the bag.

I could feel it underneath.

So there was a hidden bottom to the bag.

Not so much hidden, but somebody had put something in there.

And I just peeled it away.

And

I thought I was living in a dream because when I pulled it away, there were

stacks and I kid you not, this is the insane one.

Stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of bills.

Money.

Cold hard cash.

I'm not fucking with you.

Really?

What denominations?

All 20s.

Wow.

Some 50s.

Just

I couldn't believe it.

You've never heard word one about a bag full of money being missing.

Never.

Is this kid him hiding money in the basement?

The very first thing I said to myself was,

this fucking idiot is fucking hiding his whole life savings in the stash.

Because remember, when his house burned down, he had lost, because he had fucking was hiding money in his fucking couch, right?

In his couch on top of sewing machines.

I mean, I really was just like, I had to sit down and just be like, what the fuck is going on?

Because this is something people dream about, right?

I was just going to say, like, it's either when you open up a bag on the side of a road, it's always either money or body parts.

I was relatively sure it's not body parts.

So I was like, if it's money, that's the dream.

What's your first inclination?

What do you do?

Because you're like, this has been here, it looks like, forever.

I mean, I'm really assuming it's Yenim's.

If I'm you.

Yeah, that's what I would have thought, too.

And that would be my first call or text.

But do you be, are you like, hey, man, do you have a fucking substantial amount of money in the stash?

Hidden in the stash?

Yeah, do you have anything?

Oh, yeah, I would be like, is there any chance you hid some

money down in the basement?

But what if it's not him, though?

I don't, I mean, money does fucking crazy shit to people.

So I'm like, he could be.

Well, you don't tell him how much, just be like, yeah, I found some money.

He's like, how much?

They're like 200 bucks.

It's not going to drive him nuts.

Just be like,

I just found money hidden down there.

Is it yours?

He'll say no.

All right.

So initially, I thought it was Giddams.

But what do you do?

Do you put the money back in the bag and just leave it there and go about your day?

Because he's off work that day.

So you couldn't contact him.

He doesn't fucking pick up.

And it says day off.

Fucking, he won't answer a text.

It's my day off.

You've got to respect it.

I would text him anyway.

I'm just assuming it's him, so I'll just leave it there and go about my day.

So

you wouldn't be like fucking like just bamboozled?

Did you ever count it?

When I got to a certain point, I was like, I can't even count it no more.

Really?

Yeah.

I would just think that given his

what we know of him and how he handles his money, to me, it would just be a no-brainer that that's what it was.

But where was it squirreled away?

Was it just sitting out?

It was really when I, I mean, I was making it a little bit more sexier, but it was just fucking out in the open.

It was just out in the open.

It was just out on like some fucking boxes that had been crushed.

It was just out sitting there, like where anybody could have just seen it and just walked away with it.

Sheer stupidity.

Yes.

Yes.

And I was just like, I've never seen this bag before.

I don't even know why it even caught my eye because I like it's like, I don't even know why I even opened it.

You know, but I knew the top hat wasn't in there.

I knew it wasn't in there.

I don't know why I even opened it.

I don't know what made you open.

You should have tagged it and gave it to Carol to deposit directly in Kevin's account.

Or called the cop.

Back to the fucking.

I want to give my hot toy profits.

So I...

You would just put the money back in the bag and just leave it where it was?

Yeah.

I mean, it's probably what I would do.

Brian?

I would probably take the money home.

I think I would take it home and I would, because it's clearly not safe.

I mean, only you guys go down there, but like, you don't know, there are other people who do come in here.

Fire guy, fire department dude is always down there.

So I would bring it home.

I might even wait for Giddam to say something.

These are the things that are, I'm like, I gotta wait till somebody says who this is.

Because I mean, like, it's too much fucking, this is crazy.

This is not normal.

And the number of times.

In a game called Are You Normal?

Right, yeah.

And the number of times that there have been events here, and God knows how many people go downstairs.

Yeah, but if you know the money's down there, you're going to be hyper-aware of who's going down.

It's not just like a revolving door.

No, you're saying Giddam would be aware.

No, I'm just saying, like, I would leave it down there because the fire guy's not coming and going downstairs without me knowing.

Oh, right, right.

So then I've got to look very suspicious if I fucking run down there with the fire guy, which I've never done before.

You just stand in front of the bag with your arms like nothing.

Yeah, but so what?

It's your store.

If you want to go down before the fire guy, you will.

All right.

Well,

getting points, though, for just leaving it there.

That's not normal, I don't think, just to leave it there, cute.

That much money.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I still don't know how much money it is.

Well, I can't.

I told the person when I found out who it was, I told him I would not reveal because he's very nervous about

the amount.

So I won't reveal how much the amount is.

So I go upstairs.

Oh, actually, no, I run immediately and I start taking the money out of the bag and putting it in my pockets.

Loser sweepers.

Look at your sweepers.

So I start putting it.

Get him, you're fired.

Don't ever come back.

I start putting it in a different bag, and I'm going to find a much better hiding space down there for it.

I'm not just going to leave it out in the open.

I mean, literally, it's like you see that black bag right there, Q?

Yeah.

I'm pointing off.

No, nobody can see what I'm pointing to.

That's where it is, basically.

Down in the basement.

Right out.

It's right out in the open.

Yeah.

So I take take all the money and I put it in a new place.

I put it in a safe that no one's ever going to fucking find it unless they were, you know, tearing the place apart.

And I go upstairs and I call my wife because I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck to do.

I don't know what protocol is for this.

You know, whose money could this be?

I'm thinking, like, in a drug haze, did you get this at a con and just forget it down there?

Or did you use this bag and didn't realize it was under there?

I did.

That's exactly what I think.

Now that I think about it.

See, man, you can't do that while you're hiding.

You can't be like that.

Joe Rogan wouldn't have fucking made that joke.

So I'm thinking, like, is it Brian's?

Because did he use this bag?

Because he was down.

I know you were down in the basement recently.

Like, did you use this bag to bring something?

You didn't even realize this money was hidden in the fucking, in the hidden pouches.

So I call her and I'm talking to her.

And

I'm in my car.

I don't even make the phone call in the store.

I go in my car to make the phone call to her to tell her, I'm like, I don't know what to, you know, I'm scared.

I don't know what to do.

I love how conspiratorial it is.

And, like,

I feel like I would be like, holy shit, look at all this money.

I'll bring it back because it's weird that it's just sitting out like this.

And then the investigation commences.

Yeah.

I love how you're just like sweating.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sweating like a band.

I would have swept the 20.

I bought a pizza and shit.

So then I'm talking to her, and I'm I'm in the driver's side

car, I'm in the seat of my car, and I'm startled by a fucking knock with thorough fucking intensity on the window.

And I turn and Mike is staring at me, fucking wide-eyed and fucking like fucking rabid.

And I roll the window down.

He goes, hey man, you didn't find anybody down

in the basement, did you?

Oh my God.

How tempted were you to be like, no?

It would have been great just to keep him going.

He is fucking panicked.

Like, I've never seen him before.

And I'm like, yeah, I did.

I go, that was your fucking money.

I go, what the fuck is that much money doing in this spot, in the basement of the stash?

And he's like, oh, okay, you got it.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, I got it.

I go, oh, thank God.

And he's like, and I'm like, what the fuck?

That's why I get off the phone with my wife.

I got a slush fund.

It's my slush fund.

And he's like,

I was bringing that money to the bank this morning.

I was changing safety deposit box

and I didn't get here.

I was running late.

I didn't have enough time.

So I just threw it downstairs.

And

I didn't think you would go down there.

I didn't think you'd be down there.

I didn't think anybody would be down there today.

And you were down there for so long, I was like, holy shit, did he find my money down here?

It was just like, it was just.

It was like, what a fucking roller coaster ride.

That must be like to fucking do horse or something.

It must be like to do drugs.

Cause I was like, I was so fucking electrified amped up yeah you know finding that much money and the thrill and the fucking the uh the danger and watching mike get all scared and shit

total adrenaline bump it was it was just i could not i i would have bet the farm it was that fuck up

i would have bet anything it was him i thought it was the fucking moron fucking took his money that he fucking that didn't get burnt and now is hiding it in here hiding it quote unquote hiding it in plain fucking

that's like that's maniacal to just take whatever amount of money it was throw it downstairs and be like that's good until tomorrow like why wouldn't you just tuck it away i i have i have no idea but mike was in the store you weren't working alone i wasn't working alone oh you didn't just come up and be like dude money that didn't know what to do q i wouldn't have said anything either i would i wasn't gonna be like because i don't know man money's fucking that can do crazy things to people like brian did like i said bri like that joke he made like oh yeah it was my money i don't know i don't know whose money it is.

I gotta fucking be, I gotta make sure the normal thing is to do the right thing, right?

And make sure who I reunite this fucking satchel of cash to its rightful owner.

How are you gonna do that if you don't ask people if it's their money?

I'm gonna wait for like Brian says, I'm gonna wait to see what happens.

Person will be make themselves known.

Yeah, somebody's gonna eventually gonna fucking be like, Hey, did you find money down here?

Yeah, like if uh

if the next morning Carol's like, Mike took his own life last night.

Fighter skeeper's wizard's weeper's sword.

Oh my God.

I'm telling you, man,

what a day that was.

That was the most exciting day at the Snash in a long time.

I tell you that.

Dude, it's crazy.

He's got to sound his whole family.

Massacre.

Oh, my God.

I mean, look at this place, man.

This is an exciting place to work.

You got cops being like, give those hot toys back, like big sums of cash.

Now, again, it may sound like that.

I know I'm painting a picture that this is like exciting, fucking edge of your seat.

Glamorous.

You're making it seem glamorous.

Glamorous,

what's it called?

Selling comics.

But for the most part, though, it's fucking dreadfully boring, and that doesn't really happen.

But on those days, though,

you know what it was felt like to be alive.

Wow.

Maybe we should set up little mysteries for Walter.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

Once a month,

I felt

you are the most normal out of the both of you.

You think so?

Yeah.

I wouldn't have thought that either, though.

Comes with age.

Yeah, I wouldn't have thought that.

I would have bet on you, Q.

Wow.

I don't know how.

I know you're losing your sight, and now you found out that you're not normal, but he's taking lumps all over.

Can't read anymore.

Everything looks so fuzzy.

Well, congratulations, O'Brien.

Thanks, man.

Who would have thought, right?

Yeah, I

never test his accuracy.

I guess I'm not normal.

You go home tonight and you always tell everybody, you know.

Yeah, I'm like, hey, Mary Beth, I'm normal.

It's like, yeah, okay.

Disregard all that other shit that's been going on for the last five years.

Yeah, up to and including earlier today.

starting now.

Oh, I put this episode up against anything Joe Rogan did this week.

I agree.

We should have got that $120 million.

Yeah.

We were fucking robbed.

You found a bag of money and you had to give it back.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.