#435: Bry The Masseuse

I'm just going to go the distance.

I'll be like, you think you fucking don't like me now?

You're really going to hate me when you find out this plan.

It's going to be a little controversial.

I'm dripping balls right now.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

I am here with

the Practical Joker's movies now.

Now, now, everybody.

In theaters right now.

We got a movie starting up.

Last year, I mean, last week, we opened 357 theaters.

Fucking

IJ fans,

assuming many ants, blew the fucking roof off it.

We put Per Scream Average Harrison Ford and his dog movie to shame.

Oh, yeah?

You beat it in solo.

Well, obviously not in box office-wise, but per screen.

Per screen, that means a lot.

That's all that matters, baby.

And we caught a lot of people on Shocked and Unawares.

They've extended it to 1,800 and I think 57 theaters this week.

That is a very wide opening.

That's a lot of room for me.

That's a lot of room for me to flop in.

So I'm going to need everybody who's listening to this to do your old pal Q a favor.

Never ask you for anything.

I am begging you.

If you're going to see this movie, please see it this weekend.

I can't tell you how important it is.

We have no contract past season nine.

This could mean sequel, perhaps.

Sequel, this could mean more seasons of IJ.

We have no contract.

We're done.

Wow.

Season 9 is potentially the last.

Free agent.

That could be good, though, right?

You go to a different network.

Another network?

Gold product.

Do networks battle for TV shows?

Sure.

Hot ones?

Yeah, well.

Yours would definitely be considered hot.

I don't know about that, man.

Nine seasons of a TV show.

I don't know that people start breaking down the door for the 10th,

unless we're all you have, which

stay home.

But yeah, so this is

probably the biggest professional weekend

in many, many, many, many years, and I'm not in control of any of it.

Did you see, Walt, on Twitter, some people traveling like 300 miles round trip, 400 miles round trip to go see this movie?

That is, you got to fucking tip your hat to anybody who travels that far.

I'm incredibly grateful.

There are people, there was a movie theater that there was only 20 people in, and Sal tweeted that he was going to see it.

And I think he was like, it's funny there's only 20 people there or whatnot.

And people from all around the country went on Fandango and bought all the seats.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, people are going to see the movie three, four times.

It's like, not that I would ask anybody to do that.

Although if you want to do it, you know, you're the boss of the country.

Free country.

Yeah.

But people are going three, four times.

it blew everybody away.

I thought it was a big deal.

Like, you know, we'd gone to the premiere earlier in the week.

Yes.

I thought it was a pretty big deal.

Me and Mary Beth went to on Friday.

We went to the first showing, but there are people who are way committed four or five times, and we basically drove seven, eight minutes to get there to the theater.

It wasn't an imposition at all.

Well, thank you for doing that, bud.

Yeah, and I liked it.

Walt Flanagan went to see it.

Yeah, my date night.

My wife loved it.

Get out of here, really?

Yeah,

like she couldn't.

I know you're going to think I'm lying, but I'm not lying.

I could not believe the next day, she was still telling me things that she did about it.

Wow.

She never told me that.

Like, what?

Like, what was one of the.

She's like, I really love the story.

I thought it was good.

Story.

Yeah, she loved the story.

She says, like, it was so cute how they put the story together, she said.

Like, it was like, you know,

it had an arc.

Yeah.

Use the word arc.

Did she ever rave about Comic Book Men in any fashion?

What's up?

Did she ever rave about Comic Book Men in any fashion?

She has Comic Book Men

DV'd R'd.

Is that the word DVD?

DVDR'd, yeah.

That she's never even watched.

Right.

Like, I look at them when I go through DVR, when I record a sports game, and I'll see Comic Book Men.

I'll see like 34 episodes unwatched.

I think that's a lot of DVRs, which is why we got canceled.

Do you think, do you like it?

Would it be better or worse if she could not stop watching the show?

It wouldn't bother me.

I mean, I'm not saying it would do anything for your box office, but maybe if you re-release it or when it goes to home video, maybe you can get a little blurb from her.

Debbie Flanagan says it has an ARC.

I think so.

I'm down for that.

We don't have anybody else to do it.

Do we get paid for that?

Will she get anything for that?

I have appreciation.

Yeah.

I'm going to be your agent, though, if that's okay.

But the movie's out now.

People have seen it.

I mean,

Four Colored Demons and the Prussian Kissing Devil.

All over the place.

Could not be more all over that movie.

Could not be.

I'm so proud of that.

Yeah, we were talking earlier, and even when we were watching it the next day in Hazlitt, I was like, wow, he really fucking pimped this shit.

Because I don't know why it was just easier to watch in the sea in the bigger theater that we were in.

And it was like brighter, so you could really see.

Like, I saw a lot of shit.

Like, Blaze of Glory.

I didn't see that the first time.

Oh, the Blaze of Glory.

I didn't see that.

Yeah.

So when I went to the bigger theater, I was like, holy shit, what a great reference.

Yeah, I love that texture.

All those little Easter eggs.

Ants are catching that shit, too.

I got him like, oh, he's got his finger banging shirt on.

And

just so you guys know, that shit does not come easy.

I got to jump through that.

You got to fight for that?

I got to jump through hoops to get that shit in.

Yeah.

You got to clear that, right?

They just want a black t-shirt.

Oh, okay.

It's not even clear that you have to explain what it is.

Blaze of Glory was like,

we have connections connections to Bon Jovi, so it was not as hard as it could have been.

But then they got Bon Jovi's camp, dug in, got the original t-shirt artwork

from that era.

And that was the first one of those shirts made in like 20-something years.

You got it?

What's up?

You got the shirt?

I got the shirt, yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's a good shirt.

But...

What else?

You have to fight for the TSD

stuff?

You just got to explain it.

You got to make them them understand.

And then there's a fight that they can't sell it.

There's that.

So that's contract negotiations.

You know what I mean?

A lot of stuff gets into it.

So it's not easy.

That Prussian Kissing Devil shirt you wore, a little bird just landed on my shoulder and told me it's available on merch table.

I was supposed to say things like that.

Nice.

That's a good bird.

Yeah.

One of my favorite parts of the premiere was

getting a picture with Paula Abdul and not meeting Paula Abdul.

It's the closest I've ever been to a celebrity who did not say a word to me, nor did she acknowledge me.

Because

when I walked into the after-party thing, she was taking pictures with people and she was being gracious, but I think it was like, it was just that one too many where it's like, come on, I want to go, you know, hang out or whatever.

And then Ming is like, oh, can I get a picture?

And then he was like, get in, get in to me.

So like I can, you see, I'm standing behind her.

And then once I take the picture, Ming's like, oh, thanks.

And she turns.

She never looks at me.

I don't even know if she knew I was in the picture.

And then just walks away.

And I was like, what a great moment.

That couldn't have gone any better as far as I'm concerned.

I had to spend a lot of that premiere party.

I had guys from my firehouse.

And you take a bunch of drunk firemen, you throw them in the room with Paul Abdul and Brooke Shields.

And

I just kept seeing them going over the girl, putting their arm around her waist and shit.

And I was like, come on, the flag go over.

I'd be like, get away from her.

Leave her alone, you fucking animals.

But it was a fun night.

It was fun.

To go out, see it again and again.

Oh, yeah, please.

One,

all joking aside,

thank you guys.

Anybody who went out last weekend, anybody who made great effort, anybody who made little effort, thank you so much.

The impact, like,

can't even tell you, like, Warner, like, I'm not supposed to say, all right, who, somebody, we're owned by Warner Brothers.

And

Warner Brothers has many divisions that distribute films, you know, whatever new line or whatever they own.

All of them, we pitched to pitch the movie, and all of them said no.

Really?

We did not have a distributor on this movie.

We self-distributed with AMC.

We could not get anybody to distribute this movie because they said that

nobody wants to watch movies like that anymore.

They only want to watch big screen spectacles and like love stories.

To me, that's white for white guys.

That's where the fuck, that's the sweetest plum is to now be like, it's about to get better.

It's about to get better.

We got angry phone calls from some of those divisions going,

why didn't you bring this us to distribute?

Why isn't this a Warner Brothers property?

Why are you doing it?

And they were like, well, we pitched you.

And they were like, no, no, no.

Sent them the emails.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, that is nice.

Yeah.

I don't hope anybody loses their job.

I was going to say, who's getting fired?

I hope not.

I don't want anybody to lose their job.

They should.

No, fuck it.

They should lose their job.

I'm not saying they should, but

you make a call.

Your job is to make the correct call.

They won't lose a job.

I mean, the movie only made like 2 million.

That's not like

fucking 50 billion or anything.

Look at fucking Blair Witch.

Nobody thought that was going to make a bunch of money.

No.

I guess.

It's going to be the Blair Witch of prank movies.

That would be nice.

Anyway,

thank you guys, everybody.

Any ants that went, thank you.

And if you haven't gone, please, please

go this weekend.

And if you want to go again, I would appreciate anything you guys do.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you, everybody.

Public, please.

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That's right.

We talked about the cruise a little bit with your mom last week, but Walt, I got to get Walt's opinion on something.

You may have to

remove yourself from this one.

Recuse?

Yes.

Recuse yourself.

First, though,

I forgot last time to thank Alex Wheelchair Ant

from the UK.

She organized the ant boot.

Mary Beth, who made the patches for the Space Monkeys thing.

And Devin.

You know Devin?

Little Devin?

Yeah.

She did the karaoke.

Yeah, she had the green shotgun.

Yeah, and the Tellum Steve Dave shirt.

Is that everything?

I think we should, we've never discussed having an ambassador, a face of Tellum Steve Dave.

I think she should be the ambassador to Tom Steve Dave.

Well, her duties.

I don't know yet.

So far, it's only titular.

It's only the title.

Look, I like her.

Like, because you see, sometimes when you see fans, certain fans again and again, it's like a warning bell goes off.

You're like, but she's.

Not with her, though.

Not with her.

She's great.

But how much do we want to push that?

I don't know.

I think she's pretty solid.

Yeah?

I think so.

You know, we could always revoke the ambassadorship.

That ex-communicator.

Okay, well, if we can go Sevilla, then yeah, then I'm in.

But why?

Like, what would she do?

I don't know.

She's just so supportive.

I don't know what she would do, but she's just so supportive.

And when she did the karaoke, I found out later on that she was supposed to do that with another person.

Like, she and this other person were supposed to do the karaoke.

And the other person got sick, went back to the room.

So when she came out, that was,

I thought, pretty, pretty goddamn good, the performance.

And at the end, you know, she didn't have an ending, so she ends it with, tell him Steve Dave.

Like, you know, fist in the air.

Yeah.

I say, give it to her.

I like her.

I like her.

When I see her at things, I enjoy seeing her at things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's pretty cool.

So she's pretty cool.

Thanks to her.

But Walt, this is send her to meet dignitaries in other lands, right?

And to be our face.

Other podcast manager ambassadors, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like if you, if like somebody's like, oh, Q, can you do this?

I mean, on her own dime, though.

When I say send her, I don't mean we'll pick up.

Yeah, I mean, what don't fuck her.

Yeah, I'll send it.

This isn't a paid social expenses or something.

Come on.

But we do the Space Monkey shows on

the cruise.

Very fun shows.

Oh, yeah.

So much so, like, afterwards, like, Sal's like, we should do this more.

Yeah.

And Joe DeRosa was like, we should do this.

It's fun.

But you remember last year when

we had the files

for the Space Monkey shows, I couldn't get the second one with the Jokers.

They sent me the wrong file a couple times, and then we kind of lost it.

This time around,

one of the guys from Six Man said, I'm going to give you these jump drives.

They'll have the shows on them.

It's all good.

And when I went to get them, almost kind of casually, he was like, Hey, I just want to let you know, second show, the feed went out on the board.

Now, that's the Joker show.

Feed went out on the board, so there's no sound, but we did get the room, which you know is going to sound like shit if it's like in just a big room.

And I'm like, Is this a conspiracy?

And how fucking deep does it go?

Really?

You think that I'd be involved in that?

I thought that show last year, the one, the one that we lost, was the greatest live thing I've ever been a part of.

Me too.

I feel that way.

I would love to have that.

So no, I didn't think you.

No.

And I know Sal is like, he goes on Legion of Skanks and stuff, and he's not overly concerned about.

that kind of stuff.

But like, do you mean, I don't know.

Also, nothing was said that, I mean, as much as we say you know it's we only mean it's shocking to people that don't listen to telemetry they there's nothing that's said in those shows that's bad no so i i don't even think dexter would like is that who you're thinking like dexter

no i don't think so i'll ask him though i'll ask him what do you think sounds awfully fishy i think you know i would think that they're

there's more important things than you than getting you your show i would think that if there's people out there who have to make that call, it's understandable if they're like, you know what?

We don't need this show to actually get out into the wild.

It could be an image problem, and it would be totally, totally,

you know, understandable if that was the case.

They got a lot to lose.

They don't want their image tarnished.

Yeah.

Well, the only, who is the Jim Brewer was up there?

So.

I don't know.

I feel like Jim Brewer was not the guy.

He seemed to be like, what the fuck fuck is this?

What is going on?

He really liked it a lot, but.

I think we're fine, man.

Yeah, I think it's just bad luck.

Yeah?

It's just bad luck.

Bad luck, you think?

Well,

I'll start an internal Inquisition.

You don't think so, huh?

I don't know.

It is fishy.

It's a little fishy.

I mean, he told me so casually.

I'm like, any other number of shows, like...

Like

he fucked up Jim Brewer's recording, would he be like, ah, that second one didn't happen.

Sorry.

Probably, I think he would.

Because what is he going to do?

Yeah.

That's why we're not doing a fucking other cruise next year.

No.

Does the shit like that?

No, I didn't tell you.

No.

Yeah,

they offered us, but

we're not never doing it again, but I think we're taking a year off.

I don't think that's the worst idea.

Because I was thinking about it, and I'm like, why?

Like, I'm not seeing people that I've seen years before.

And it was like 74%.

75% of the boat was new people.

New people.

Which is great for business growth.

Yeah.

But I'm like, oh, I miss a lot of these people.

and I would have liked to have seen them, but I'm like, wait a second, what are the costs of a fucking cruise year after year after year?

Yeah, it has to fucking add up.

I'm going on a cruise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Disney cruise.

I don't, I don't.

The Jokers ruined cruises for me.

Oh, yeah.

Ruined.

Oh, yeah.

They're fun.

They're so fun.

And you're not stand, like, like as a performer, like, I don't have to stand in the lines.

And like, when we're on our way out going through customs, it's like it's a fucking line is a mile long.

And Gatto walks by.

He's like, Johnson, go, let's go.

And so we just go with Gatto.

I don't think I would have any enjoyment standing in those lines for hours, that kind of shit.

I would hate it.

No, I mean,

I recognize that cruises are

possibly the most gluttonous, unexciting vacation you could have.

Yeah.

They're just floating food trows.

But

every time I'm on a cruise, I have a blast.

I just have a blast.

Yeah, I feel like Alaska, I think, would be pretty cool.

Yeah, seeing like those mountains and whatnot.

Icebergs.

Why don't for your honeymoon?

Yeah.

Go to Alaska.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm on the boat, too.

Maybe we hang out.

What's a cruise I go on?

Oh, hey, you're talking about a different kind of cruising.

Different type of Norwegian peril, if you know what I mean.

I thought you said peril.

Both.

One leads to the other.

So that is it for Space Monkeys.

Last night I did a little comedy with Jiggy.

Yeah.

I went to the Chelsea Music Hall.

And

I find that you don't think it's odd that he didn't tell me.

I think what his excuse was pretty valid, though.

He knows that you're fucking swamped with the fucking IJ.

You're just tossing out there.

What if I was filming something right there?

And it was like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I kind of thought that was

pretty cool that he didn't

put you in the middle of the day.

Yeah, I should be mean.

Don't even put me in the position where I got to be like, oh, man, I'm sorry.

But I want to be in that position, though.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Because I think it's worth it if I can.

I think from my point of view, I love that no one asked me.

Well, I asked you to go to the premiere.

Forgotten again.

Yes.

You did.

You did.

And I was happy that you were honest and you were like, I don't care if you don't come.

And I was like, well, what I said was true.

I was like, I'm not going to see you for more than two minutes.

Was that not what it was?

That's true.

Yeah.

Hardly saw you all night.

But you'd rather have me in that fucking paying seat, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's be real.

Yeah, I withheld it from you.

Again,

a couple aunts went to it.

Yeah.

Not many, but a couple.

There's one girl.

I just met her last night.

I don't know her name, but there are three tried and true.

Shannon, Vanessa, and Karen.

They went.

They're very supportive.

Oh, I know Shannon too.

Glasses?

Yeah, yeah.

I like Shannon too.

Yeah,

she's another good one.

So you go in, and I go in, and the whole idea behind the night is like, Giggy's going to be my comedy coach, and like

he'll like we'll introduce a comedian, the comedian will do their thing.

And then the next bit is like, I ask him questions about comedy, and then another comedian, you know, that kind of thing.

Right.

But when I walk in, the audience is mostly

white females from like 20 to 25,

which if it's a a bar all right great but if it's a comedy club and I'm like are they gonna laugh at what I'm gonna say

I don't have high hopes they probably have strong opinions about what's funny and what you're able to joke about right yes well

so

Jiggy goes up introduces the first person and then the first we do the first bit

But the the first girl was talking about Harvey Weinstein, you know, making some Harvey Weinstein references and jokes.

And they seemed to like it, what she was saying.

Sure.

And I didn't have any Harvey Weinstein stuff planned up until that point.

But I was like, well, if they like her, surely they'll like me.

Well, I think maybe they like her slant on Harvey Weinstein.

It wasn't positive.

You know,

her feelings.

But my thought was, and I said it up there, I was like, as Jiggy, I said, look, you're Harvey Weinstein, right?

You don't really have a lot of friends.

People are not kissing your ass anymore.

Hardly anybody likes you.

Right.

If anyone.

Adrian Brody's banging your bro.

Oh, you're reading about it in the news, eating shit food at Rogers Island.

So given that, that nobody likes you, I'd be like, well, if I'm so reviled and so hated, I'm just going to go the distance.

I'd be like, you think you fucking don't like me now?

You're really going to hate me when you find out this plan.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to transition to a woman.

So I can go to a woman's prison and then start like menace people and shit.

And like everybody will be like, What a jerk.

He's trying to still trying to get next to women.

Because I think that would be the ultimate fuck you to everybody.

This is the thing you told on stage.

This is what I told on stage.

Yeah.

How do you go?

I don't know.

How do you think?

Like, so-so?

A lot of male laughter.

A lot of male laughter.

They like

not a lot of pigs.

Female laughter.

No.

They didn't care for it too much.

But you came up with that on the spot because

you saw that the other comedians were getting good traction from the Harvey Warren.

The first female comedian got a little

bit sat down and scribbled out that.

I didn't scribble out anything.

I was like, here's what I'll talk about when I go up there.

That's good on the fly.

Yeah, not so bad.

Not so bad.

That's thinking on your feet.

Actually, when I first...

What is the point of it?

Just to gauge the reaction.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

So I could come back and tell you guys who you should.

I'm just

board.

I just want to know who we're versus.

Who are we against?

Yeah, who we versus.

When I first went out, I said, you know, I see a lot of very young white faces out in the crowd, and I can't help but think we're going to be on the same page about almost everything.

That's a good joke.

I thought so.

It didn't get a lot of laughs, though, right?

No, you know what?

Maybe, maybe, maybe the reason that here's why I think they're thinking of laughed.

They don't know you.

So they don't know how wide that gap is.

You know what I mean?

It's just a fun comment to them.

If they knew the actual distance,

then they would be laughing and or shrieking.

Yeah.

It was little bits like that.

It was shorter than I thought it was going to be.

Like our little things, because you had to get these people up.

I mean, not to be a dick, but why some of them, I don't know.

Probably because they pay Jiggy 50 bucks.

But I am like, what if I'm to win?

Like, I could never win this crowd over.

You could.

I think you could.

What am I to do?

Not with your current material.

No, well, that's what Jiggy said.

He's like, well, you know, what kind of comedian do you want to be?

You want to be like a dark, you know, dark humor?

I said, I don't think I got a choice.

I think that's it.

Right.

That's all I have.

But there's still a way to do dark humor that's very

empathetic and insightful.

Like, not mean, but dark.

You just just like you told personal stuff that was real dark.

If you're not making observations about current events, I think that's where you can really go dark and people will allow you to say pretty much anything if it's personal.

Because it's about me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, maybe I got a shot with these kids yet.

I think you do.

I think you really do.

So much work when I'm just like, I could just talk to people

and they'll already like it.

It's like that thing.

I think you kind of got to love it and want to do it and do stand-up because if you're going to be good at it, you really got to work your ass off.

Oh, you got to do it all the time.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like I'm, you know, I'm going to keep like trying little things here and there.

Maybe I'll do it.

Like, that wasn't true stand-up, you know, because I'm talking a jiggy.

Oh, and at the end, I told, like, I was to tell a story.

And I told the story.

And as I get towards the end and I'm thinking about, you know, wrapping it up, I'm like, oh, fuck, I left out a key piece of information in the beginning.

Oh, really?

That wraps it up at the end.

So it's like, what am I going to do now?

So I just sort of like adjust it on the fly and sort of like

let it end.

But

that was a dud, that one.

I always liked what Kevin did with the QA's.

They're great.

Yeah, I always was very impressed with his ability in those.

And Muse is really good at it, too.

Like, Muse has gotten really good at it.

Amusing Stories.

Yeah.

I saw his show like maybe a year ago.

Well, I saw it at first and it wasn't great.

But then when I saw him last time, he'd gotten much, much, better,

good.

Yeah, I,

yeah, material-wise, I have a question that maybe Walt can help us.

Could you remember the only joke, the only joke that I told that got a groan on the Space Monkey shows?

Bri?

The only that the audience was like, oh,

and I was like, no, no, no, this was this new one.

Oh, the most recent one.

Yeah.

I don't recall.

It was about Pam's bubble.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I don't remember that.

Okay, I said

Pam was going on about how she's putting Brian in a bubble

to keep him safe.

A witchcraft bubble.

Yeah.

A witchcraft bubble to keep me safe.

Protect him from bubble.

Right.

And my, my, sorry, my throat is croaky.

I've been talking nonstop for three days and I'm getting over the flu.

But so my thing was, okay, so she believes that placing a bubble on Brian protects him from danger.

So then I asked, I wasn't going into like a bit.

I was like really using him as an example, but I go, so Pam thinks if she put a bubble on Kobe Bryant,

the audience was like, oh,

oh,

and I was like, well, I'm not making a joke.

Like, she like, and then they calmed down.

I was like, so she thinks if she put a bubble on Kobe Bryant, he wouldn't have had the car

helicopter accident.

Well, has Brian been in a helicopter accident?

No.

No.

Nor have I been in a helicopter accident.

What would a fucking Sir Mixalot say about that bubble?

He's got to get some of that?

Kind of, yes.

But then, so then my thing is like, if just the mention of Kobe Bryant in a hypothetical situation.

It's too raw.

It's too raw.

It's too raw.

You can make that joke about people who have died years ago.

Okay.

Laurel and Hardy.

Let me ask you a question, bro.

Like, don't go recent.

I mean, you don't have to go over a century ago either.

Charlie Chaplin.

Yeah.

You got to know that, like, you can say pretty much

anything about those people who died.

Like, you know, people who, like,

they're barely in talkies.

Okay, but let me ask you something.

Don't use anybody in the talkies.

Go before that.

By all, and I know this is going to be.

Is it still raw?

It's going to be a little controversial.

Who?

What I'm about to say.

Okay.

What I'm about to bring up.

Let's let the listeners bow out now.

Let's get

discussion of sexual assault.

Oh.

Yeah.

So his, so Kobe's, by today's standards,

if what had happened with Kobe in that case happened today,

he would be done, destroyed.

Believe women, if she said it, it's true.

He bought his way out.

He's a rich, powerful man.

He's a rapist.

That's what would be said about him if that happened today, right?

You want me to fucking

weigh in?

Yeah, likely.

Yeah, I would say so.

Okay, so.

I don't see how he'd escape it.

So I found it odd that on one side of the country.

I forget about it.

You know what?

Let's just not do it.

What's the point of this?

I was going to say something about the Weinstein trial and the memorial, but you know what?

I just shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

You got a movie you want to fucking do well.

This weekend coming up, this is not the topic you want to talk about.

Let's talk about Laurel and Hardy.

Let's go back to Laurel and Hardy.

Why is everybody so mad at Kobe for doing what a man does?

I'm just going to go ahead and tuck my balls back

so they're nice and protected.

Yeah, you're right.

Let me just move on.

Q, not too long ago, a couple weeks back,

I brought up Mary Beth

writing down things I say sometimes because she

thinks they may be valuable later on.

You know, comments or jokes.

I don't want to ask Mary Beth about this.

Okay.

Oh,

finally, to get to talk to the source.

Yeah.

So, what was the first thing that came out of Brian's mouth that you were like,

fucking, where's my pad and pencil?

First thing?

I love you.

Oh, my God.

Come on, man.

That's not true.

That's not Jesus.

This is not Alice.

Oh,

tell Steve, Dave just jumped a charm.

What he was going on about happy wife, happy life, that shit we had to sit.

Just when you thought Q was going to tuck it back to Ferguson.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Let's start talking about Kobe again.

Johnny Holmes compared to you right now.

Microphallis.

But where did this start?

Like, where did you say, like,

was there some sort of realization?

Like,

when did he first say he loves you?

Actually, I'm sorry to interrupt both, but

a couple years in?

Like a year.

No, where.

Do you remember the where?

Where?

Yeah, where were you guys?

Ichiban.

Ichiban.

Ichiban is a Japanese restaurant.

Oh, okay.

Over some

dim sum?

Whatever goes on?

It was.

No, we had a very aggressive waitress who like I seemed to really be bothering her with every like just my existence bothered her.

And she came.

She just got her drink order.

Yeah, she just got she only got the drink order but when she came up you know i'm gonna do a ming accent because that's what it sounded like but she was just like what do you want a drink okay like that like am i lying i'm not exaggerating right it was like

a little mad maybe but i was like what the fuck uh

and then she's like well go request a different

uh waiter waitress right so i go up to the counter and i'm trying to be all cool about it because it's an awkward thing yeah

to switch a servitor mid uh meal

And so they're like, okay, you know, da-da-da.

And they're being covert about it.

And then they just fucking walk right to her in the middle of the room.

They say something.

They both turn and look at me.

And I'm like, you know.

I love you, babe.

Yeah.

So it was like a date.

It was a date night type thing.

Yeah.

She was drunk on Sangria.

And would you just slipped into like a sentence or like you sealed yourself and were like, I got something to tell you?

Nah, there was no build-up

like that I think I was just like

I don't remember

he said he said you know I love you right I'm like no

no you took the cowards way out yeah

I was like there's my yellow streak showing

you put it on her about that bossy waitress

how the fuck do you not know that stupid but you know what get your shit we're going

I love that story doesn't that make you happy to hear yeah it's sweet because I know Brian's tone of voice and I know when he starts sentences you know that.

So I know how I'm hearing it in my head.

I've said it to him plenty of times.

I think that's really nice.

I like that.

That is sweet.

Thank you.

I really think that's sweet.

Go see him practical jokes.

Trying to get that other shit out of me.

This is the feel-good podcast of the year.

It really is.

Okay, sorry, Walden.

I heard an opportunity I wanted to play.

I don't remember what I was talking about.

What was the first?

Oh, yeah.

When did you guys realize that too much stuff was being lost to the haze of,

I don't know, memory or anything else that's going on?

The moment I started talking and people weren't writing this shit down, that's when I realized it.

And you said to yourself, I'm going to get, I'm going to start documenting worthy comments, thoughts, jokes?

Well, it's mostly stuff that makes me laugh.

And if it makes me laugh really hard,

I had too many instances of, what was it that I was laughing at the other day?

And so I just started writing.

Do you have a good memory you feel?

Or do you somebody who forgets a lot of things?

Oh, I forget everything.

Then this is probably

something you should be doing then, you know, because

a joke, like a fucking hot pocket joke, fucking is worth millions to Jim McGaffigan.

It could be.

Millions.

One joke could make you a fucking household name.

Right.

You don't want that to escape or slip away because you don't know what it's going to be.

Exactly.

So wait, what were we saying?

Oh, what was the very first one, right?

The very first one, I would have to go into my other phone for that, so I don't have the very first one.

I have multiple phones, yes.

I have multiple phones.

He's like Sunday Jeff with his iPods.

All the data is taken up with Brian's fucking

cloud.

The cloud is

our whole neighborhood, their internet's lagging.

Awesome.

I mean, you know what, though?

In one way, I'm like, it's fucking amazing.

It's amazing.

Someone values him.

Everybody should have somebody who's like,

you are so fucking awesome and so brilliant.

I am going to fucking be like, I mean, like, this is what like fucking

Roman fucking, what were the leaders of fucking Rome would have people on fucking staff to take their fucking wisdom on parchment.

It's pretty nice.

I'm like Memento Mori over here.

Nobody's read my shit down.

Wisdom.

I don't know about wisdom.

That's it.

She's probably right.

Most of it is complaints or inappropriate jokes.

Yeah,

but I can't wait for this.

And Walt, you did the same.

I asked my wife, I went home that night and I said, I want you to listen to this.

I said, I want you to hear what's going on down at the Johnson's.

I want to see if we can replicate this.

After we left, I told Mary Beth I was like, to be a fly on the wall to see Debbie's face.

Like, wow.

She was kind of close to the window.

She turned around and looked at me and was like, like a a dog looks at a fucking, like it's never seen the fucking snow before.

Like, what?

I have no frame of reference for this.

Yeah, she goes,

and then she said, and she means, I don't mean this to sound mean, but exactly what do you think you're going to say that I'm going to write down, though?

I said, well, that's up to you, honey.

Don't you know I love you?

And I was like, well, I think I want to try it if you just help me out here and try it.

And

I wound up having to be like, you should probably write that down.

We did it for one week.

And I had to keep saying, you should probably write that down.

It's not going to get better.

Because she forgot she was supposed to be writing it down or because she deemed it not worthy of writing it down.

A little bit of both.

She was like, oh, yeah, I forgot I'm doing that.

And then other times she was like, that?

Why would I write that down?

I would never write that down.

I go, trust me, just write it down.

After the first day, me saying multiple times, I'm like, you're not going to write that down?

Because

I'm like, that's genius.

And she's like, if you don't stop saying that, I'm not going to write anything down.

So then I had to back off and just trust that, you know.

And I really, really try to not

try.

Right.

Like my goal was to be as natural as possible, knowing that somebody was supposed to be writing it down and try to give things, not play to the notebook.

So much as, you know, try to, you know what I'm saying?

Like trying to think of things that are like worthy of being in a notebook rather than let it come natural.

And I think I did up until like me.

There's a couple that I was just like, oh, fuck, I didn't say anything good today, did I?

And then I'll be like, all right, all right, just say this then.

Well, I hope you guys keep it up because I've

yeah, you probably are, but I've instructed my assistant to start writing down things that she deems

worthy.

And she has

agreed.

She said she'll come on and read them, or she'll just give me the book if I don't want to read it.

Oh, okay.

So, I mean, so how do we do this?

Do we

decide to try to guess whose quote was for you?

Oh, that's a great idea.

But

you'd have to close your eyes, and so you wouldn't see what notebooks he's looking in.

Right.

You close your eyes while you're, you know, you wouldn't cheat, would you?

No, not at all.

This is a fun game.

All right.

All right.

No?

Wait, what's the, what are we, what are we doing?

So he's going to read both quotes.

You read it.

One from yours, and you have to decide who said the quote.

Yeah.

Well, a lot of mine are like scenarios or like back and forth.

How long are they, you think, to read into?

Sorry, are they like fucking multiple pages?

No.

Give us an example of a long one.

Give us a long one.

That's what I give her every night.

Write that down.

Here it comes.

It's funny.

Isn't it so funny?

When she was writing them down, when she was writing them down, she was laughing.

And I'm like, don't tell me what they are.

I've got a feeling that, yeah, you're in.

Wait, let's just hear something first before I guess.

I didn't know it was supposed to be wisdom.

It doesn't have to be.

It doesn't have to be.

Hopefully.

I don't understand what's up.

You didn't tell her this?

Oh, wait.

This one would be a good one to guess.

I think you could.

All right, well, don't do the guess one.

Just give us an example of one that you think is.

Yeah, because I need to hear one of theirs and one of yours just so I would calibrate a sample.

Yeah,

could I do an exchange with E-Rock?

Just

you see what I deal with, like this indecision all the time.

Just pick one, a short one, and go with it.

How short is the shortest one?

You got this, Mary.

You got this.

Don't crack.

Don't crack.

You got this.

Don't let these two.

Don't make me correct you in front of the boys.

Okay, one time I was sick, and Brian says, I might as well be sick.

What's the point in being healthy now?

Oh,

another sweet.

Was I angry though?

No.

No, I wasn't angry.

He didn't like that selection.

He didn't like that.

He didn't like that selection.

No, I'm trying to remember.

That wasn't funny.

Oh, it's sweet.

Oh, it's sweet.

Okay.

It was sweet.

Yeah, I didn't know if it's sweet.

Okay, I was trying to figure out the context of it because before we left, she was like, oh, I'm going to tell this one where, like,

i don't come out looking the greatest uh just a little a little about the you know the

laying in bed and oh that i do want to tell that one what's that one

one time we

this

not really a quote thing but i did write it down um

we were lying in bed and like he had his arm around me i was just snuggling with them and then princess mitch came up and she was like laying between my legs.

And like, oh my God, like, I was just thinking, like, this is perfection.

This is what perfect feels like.

And then Princess Mitch like moves a little.

And Brian shakes his leg and he's like, get the fuck out of here.

And my cat goes, take it off.

And yeah, it was perfection.

Oh, he ruined it.

I feel I'd be able to guess that was his.

See, because here's one of mine.

Okay.

I told my wife,

my fingers are always cold, but my toes are never cold or hot.

My fingers are always cold, but your toes are always perfect temperature.

No, yeah, they're like, they're not neither cold nor hot.

And what context did you say that in?

We were just laying there, and she said that there's too many blankets on.

And I just said,

I said, but yeah, but my fingers are always cold, but my toes are never cold or hot.

She's like, well, marriage-wise, I zigged one.

So, come on, give me some gold, man.

Is that an example of her remembering to write it down?

Or was that you being like, write that down?

I think she said,

Where's the notebook?

I'm going to write that down.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

Wow.

Yeah, I got you.

Because it's been days since you said anything.

I might as well write that down.

Oh, I know.

It's not good.

No, get the fuck out of here.

That's more insight.

We're both in bed.

Yeah.

I mean, I think that's more observational than just someone screaming at a cat.

Right.

Yeah.

It doesn't.

Giving her like a little rundown of how my body works.

She hasn't figured it out by now.

So, so, all right, give some gold, something good.

This one is between you and Sage.

You are singing, you've got to fight for your right to party.

And then Sage is like, Why?

And you're like, Because all the old people are coming in trying to

ruin the parties.

And Sage goes, Puss and boots?

And you're like, Exactly.

This is what it's like, I would just, this is like what I would hear if I was on LSB.

This has got to be what it's like.

This is like, this is, I fucking know what it feels like to fucking trip.

I'm tripping balls right now.

Tripping your face off.

I got here.

I got, I'm on the, I'm on the way home.

Micro doses.

Microdosis, baby.

I'm on the way home from Danny's.

Yeah.

And I tell everybody in the car.

This isn't more finger and toe stuff, is it?

I think I got a headache from eating too much bread.

And the reaction is

my daughter goes, You can't get a headache from eating too much bread.

And I go, You can't from eating ice cream, right?

And I won that argument.

And then I was silent for the next 40 minutes.

Oh, my God.

Okay, wow.

I was downstairs cooking in the kitchen, and he comes up and says,

The washing machine and dryer are right there.

And he's like, How long has that wash been in there?

And I'm like, Not long.

Could you go grab me a laundry basket?

And he's like, Oh my god, can I borrow a tampon two?

I like that one.

That's a good one.

You like that one?

That's a good one.

That keeps it real.

That keeps it real.

There we go.

That's what I was looking for.

That dog will hunt.

No more love shit.

It's just a screaming of cats.

I have.

I'm driving back from my mother-in-law, and I told my wife, we have to get a fluffy, soft toilet seat like your mom has, at least for my bathroom, if not yours.

You have your own toilet?

Yeah, I have to do that.

I'm not allowed to use toilets.

You mean like the soft vinyl ones, Alan Capricorn?

I've never had one before.

I never sat on one like that before.

If that's what you mean, yeah.

And then she has like this rug that's on the top of the

top of the lid.

Yeah, this is real old school Brooklyn.

Yeah, but my wife said that there's not a chance on earth that I could ever have that because it's a fucking festation for germs, those soft seats, she said.

And

she knows that I get sick rather easily.

So she said I couldn't have it.

I got to keep using the outhouse.

All right.

Got it.

See if you can top that one.

I hate to bring it back to love, but this one's.

It's always okay to bring it back to love.

Okay, so it was early in the evening, like we had just like gotten into bed to watch TV, dinner, and everything.

And he says to me, I've got something to tell you.

And I'm like, ugh, God.

And he's like, you're going to get donged later tonight.

And I say, no, it goes on.

It goes on.

I said, I knew you were going to say that.

He's like, you could get away with a nice, slow hand job.

I accept that.

Ladies' choice.

And then later that evening,

later that evening I'm like you were gonna get away with

no later I'm like so you ready to dong me and he's like I have to do the donging

you said ladies choice

I'm at a disadvantage here I said some stuff

kind of like in that in that room

like dirtiness yeah my wife would never write it down right I mean it was like I'm legally separated right now.

It was hot, you would have fucking pulled, you would have fucked up.

I would have kept driving.

I got in the car.

Do I get them over to the side of the road over on Broad Street?

Oh, well, geez.

That was a good one.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Just got pizza delivered.

Okay.

And I came in the house and I said, The pizza guy just dissed the devils.

We aren't ordering from them anymore.

I don't care if Alicia loves their chicken fingers.

I daughter.

And a motherfucker comes up and he's like, oh, you're a Devil fan?

You had a fucking nice ride there, huh?

Nice being in last place.

Like, that's not what you fucking say to a customer.

Not if you want a tip.

Right.

So I was kind of pissed off at the pizza guy.

Wow.

But if the devil's a win-in next season, then you fucking order from that place.

But

it fell on fucking Halloween's because we still order from that pizza joint.

I saw the fucking

chicken fingers.

I saw the chicken fingers the other day.

I don't know.

How are the chicken fingers though?

Good.

I don't eat their chicken fingers.

I just got pizza from there.

Do you want to shame them publicly?

No, no, no.

Okay.

This one is actually an exchange between Q and Brian.

Oh,

the notebook.

Yeah, so Q says, I feel like a caged lion.

And Brian goes, The only lion is you lying to yourself.

Now get up on that stage, you sellout.

And what did I do?

I went right up on stage.

That's a pretty good one.

Oh, good.

This is how he talks to his friends.

Brought me on a cruise.

Not a cruise, four cruise.

That's great.

What do you want?

I got here.

Okay, so this is me letting the dogs are coming in from the outside.

And I said to my wife, I said, every time the dogs come back in from outside, I'm going to ask them if they made boom booms just to annoy the girls.

It seems like a large part of our time is spent trying to taunt other people.

Boom booms so much.

I know it would piss them off.

I never did do it.

But I knew it would fucking fucking Did he make boom booms?

Did you make boom booms?

I would say like in a baby's voice

does Emma laugh at that when you say that no no

she doesn't laugh at anything I say oh man

all right okay

I'm getting into the the goofy stuff um once we we were in we were in Florida and there was this very effeminate looking guy

cracking crab legs eating crab

he's going knuckles deep

crab.

I forgot about that.

You had all a fucking crab leg in his mouth, fucking on knuckles.

He had the whole thing in his mouth.

He's really good.

Knuckles deep.

Oh, my God.

This is a good time when you take Brian Johnson.

Let me tell you.

You're going to get tongs.

Yeah, you never know what's coming next.

This is what I was telling my wife wife that

I had to call a lawyer for something.

Okay.

And I said,

when I talk to the lawyer, I always

make sure to tell him that I'm driving, even if I'm not, because it makes the point that

when I'm taking his call, it sends a message that I'm just as important as he is.

Because you're driving somewhere.

Yeah, because it feels like if I'm driving, I always say, like, hold on, I'm driving.

Right.

Even if I'm sitting in the car screen.

I think it sends the message that you're an asshole on the phone and you're driving.

No, you can talk about about

say I'm driving with a hands-free phone.

Well, shit.

I did tell him, I'm sorry.

Safety first.

Embarrassed.

He's like, that just cost you $400.

But

what power is gained by driving?

Because I'm fucking not just sitting there and waiting for this asshole's call.

Oh, okay.

He's driving around in the middle of the day for whatever reason.

I'm just as important as I'm going to important places.

I'm doing things.

Gotcha.

You don't think subconsciously?

It's like, whoa,

this guy's got shit going on.

I think if you combine the driving with a little bit of condescension, they're like, come on, come on, I don't have all day.

Busy man, let me say shit like that.

Oh, yeah, I don't talk at all like that.

Well, but also then, like, he'll be like, okay, all right.

And like, I'll shorten it up.

You won't have to pay as much.

That's right.

Right?

Got one?

What I say to a lawyer?

What you say to a lawyer is, I only want to wear a suit when I want to wear a suit.

Oh, okay.

I was talking about jobs.

The only time I want to wear a suit is when I want to wear a suit.

Not every day.

I was in New York, and I see a lot of guys in suits that don't look comfortable, and I'm like, ugh, that's enough for me.

All right.

Last night my socks were so tight that my feet were sore when I woke up.

I must have eaten too much bread.

You sleep with socks on?

When it's cold, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

But this particular socks that evening were like very, very tight.

But I was too tired to take them off, so I just slept in pain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you find extremities getting a little bit colder as you age?

Not my toes.

No?

No, they never got hot or cold.

We learned that earlier.

My fingers have always been cold.

Yeah, always.

Since I've been.

I just freach it out.

All right.

Let's see.

This one's between,

well, Erock says to him, she's a.

Erock is Eric Nagel, a guy I do a show with on Compound Media.

Would you kindly

do that?

He says, she's a female comedian, like describing who this lady is.

And he's like, well, that's a contradiction if I ever heard it.

You can't say stuff like that.

You never

jokes.

Yeah,

I don't have high hopes of that ever happening.

I don't think I could do it.

I know it was funny.

This is to my wife.

I took you to three Goodwill stores in one day.

Who else can say that?

Or would want to.

In two different counties.

It's romantic in its own way, really.

Maybe.

I agree with you, Q.

Like, after over 25 years now,

you're driving around going to Goodwill stores just like having fun, chilling.

It wasn't like we were just trying to look for bargains for ourselves.

It was for Tell them Steve Dave-related stuff, costuming and stuff.

You don't have to explain that to me.

Well, you know, because

I see people in there, and I feel bad because, you know, I shouldn't be in there, you know, looking for a fucking dollar suit jackets when

every dollar you spend gets donated to a good cause.

I don't know if the Goodwill does that.

Yeah, special needs stuff, I thought.

No, it's not a for-profit.

They're a non-profit.

Yeah, but they're a non-profit business.

I think they give money to special needs.

That's what I asked the lady.

Let me look.

Yeah.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

One more each, and then I guess we'll call it a

so much good shit

We were just walking down the street in New York and he goes that's really funny that that fat dude on that little bike over there.

I guess he's never heard the definition of irony Wait, what?

We're outside Penn Station there was a guy who like remember in the Guinness book, like, the fat guys who would ride the little tiny bikes?

It was basically that, except it looked like a child's BMX bike,

and he's pedaling down the bike lane, a big fat guy on a little bike.

And I was like, because he's never read the definition of firing.

He's really a fat guy.

Observation.

I got you.

I'm into it.

Come on, look, you got a lot more pages than I thought.

Yeah, you got a lot of good stuff.

Seven days.

And then

I got one here.

This is to the bakery counter person.

We were in the bakery.

What's the point of poppy seeds?

Did they have an answer?

It was like a young, like 16-year-old girl.

She just kind of looked at me like, You don't want poppy seeds?

I said, No, I don't.

I didn't even say, like, I didn't say the question again.

I was like, No, I'd rather not have poppy seeds.

She didn't understand.

I asked, What's the point of poppy seeds?

Right, yeah.

Eat too many poppy seeds.

It might show up.

Yeah, it might show up as opium in your system.

Oh, if I took a drug test?

Yeah.

Perhaps, yeah.

I'd beat a whole bunch, though.

Yeah.

I eat like maybe one

roll a week.

So I don't know if I can eat

enough in a danger zone.

Kind of an addict.

What is the point of poppy seeds, though?

They taste delicious when they break open, don't they?

They're so tiny.

They're like fucking barely bigger than a fucking virus.

You talk about

poppy seeds, the black ones?

Yeah.

They don't have any taste, do they?

Sure, they do.

All together.

Like one little tiny seed no probably not i mean salt has a taste and salt's that small

yeah i guess so i don't see the point of it though it doesn't look good on bread it's seasoning it's like a drug it just looks like ants yeah it does i like them and it freaks me out i don't like that they get stuck in your teeth though right i agree i'm anti-poppy seeds i love a good salt bagel though you have a salt bagel i've never had a bagel Really?

Never had a bagel.

No.

But you eat so much bread, you got headaches, but you never had a bagel.

Yeah, bread.

I thought it was bad.

I thought it was like a.

I don't know why, but I always associate it with as a foreign food.

No, it's New York Jewish food.

You know, Israel and stuff.

So I was just like, well, it must have like a

foreign taste.

I don't know.

I'm going to bring some New York.

It's a fucking bread.

Yeah.

Why can't I just have a fucking hard roll, though?

No,

it's cooked.

Yeah, why do I need a bagel?

Well, it's a different texture.

It has a hole in it, right?

Like a donut?

Yeah.

I think you're missing out.

Yeah, okay.

I do.

I don't know if I can try it.

You may not want to bring it.

Don't waste your money.

I won't try it.

Okay.

Fuck off.

Leave me alone.

Anyone want any more ads?

Well, we can do it, but we have to put it up front.

Meandis, do you have the copy?

Do you have to put it up front?

I guess I can.

Yeah, I'll just have Declan move it up front.

It doesn't matter.

Why does it have to go up front?

It has to go up in the first.

Oh, it's part of the copy.

Whatever.

Yeah, something like that.

But I'm recording on that.

So do you have to?

I'll just read it.

Don't worry about it.

It's not how it works.

I'll just read it later.

They want to

Oh, finish it.

Or they want to go first or something.

Oh,

look at this.

I've been told in the past that certainly

companies want to go up, like they want to be first.

Is it Blue Chew then or Mien?

Blue Chew wants to go first.

It's not my fucking job to remember this shit.

Yeah.

Do this shit.

Yeah.

Well, that's why I'm.

I remember the goddamn spot, right?

Well, Walt did.

And then I remembered it after Walt.

Why don't you do the commercial?

You're so fucking good at him.

Go on, read it.

You don't have a copy?

All right.

I'll do it later on then.

I mean, one more.

Have you guys gotten into a fight where you've screamed at him?

Like, like, been there?

No, never.

I don't scream at him.

He screamed at me a couple of times.

Well, I mean, yeah.

But I mean, like, I wonder if, like, you ever just went back at him.

No.

Do you want to hear a funny story about

her getting mad at me?

Yeah, I do.

Can we follow it up with a sweet one, too?

Because this is so nice to hear those sweet ones.

Possibly.

I mean, I think this is kind of sweet.

So, Hugh, you may have heard this too already, but Walt, I don't think you did.

So, she had been,

you needed a massage for whatever reason.

Oh, okay.

Wait, what one do you think I was going to tell you?

Tell now you got a story that you thought he was going to tell you.

Egg story?

Which one?

What would you say?

Wait, what?

Would you say?

Egg story?

No.

No, what?

No, no, that's...

That's the hint.

Would you say?

I don't know what the hint.

I don't get it.

What is it?

I'll cut all this shit out.

Just call me.

You're going to call me something.

And I was like, what'd you say?

Oh,

that's like a little anecdote.

Oh, those one.

No, no.

One time she got,

we were like at odds about something.

And

I was like, my back was to her.

And I was like, oh, my God, stop acting like such a, and I said, girl, as I.

turned around, but she didn't hear that.

And she assumed I was saying bitch.

And she was like, what'd you say?

And I was like, That is so adorable.

Like, it's so cute that she squared off with me.

Yeah, yeah.

And I respect it.

Yeah, and then to be like,

girl, I said girl.

I didn't say bitch.

I would never call you bitch.

Ah, it was kind of sweet.

Yeah, it is sweet.

Right?

I should have saved that one.

Yeah.

Because the other one

in this town, just like, can you hear that collective fucking awe?

Right.

That qualifies as a sweet story.

I'm like, we're at odds.

There we were.

No, so this other one was: she, I can't remember why you needed a massage, but never asks for one, never asked, you know, for a shoulder rub or whatever.

And she need a massage from you.

I thought you mentioned you need a professional from me.

No, no.

No, she would never want a professional.

Yeah, she's like, she's a lot like you.

I think you guys,

if you didn't avoid social contact with anyone, gotten a professional massage.

They're kind of.

Yeah, the guy got arrested.

It's kind of weird.

I'm not going to lie, but when you got that kink,

you know.

What do you mean, like in your neck or just a kink with Asian dudes and malls?

So I'm like, all right, I'll give you a massage.

My hands are pretty strong.

So she takes off her shirt.

She's lying down on the bed face down.

Are you a couple at this point?

Yeah.

Okay.

This was just a couple weeks ago.

It wasn't that long ago.

And I'm rubbing her shoulders.

And I'm doing, I think I'm doing a pretty good job, right?

I'm really getting in there.

And I'm like, I could probably do this like as a job, like as an occupation.

I thought.

I was like, but you know what?

They wouldn't let me.

Well, I'm saying this out loud.

And I was like, but you know what?

They wouldn't let me because I'm a white guy and everybody thinks I'm a fucking rapist.

And fucking, they'll be like, sorry, not you.

And I got sort of worked up a little bit.

And I'm like, you know, like, I could fucking do that job as well as anybody, but they wouldn't let me.

She turns around.

She goes,

yeah, I still rub her shoulders.

She turns around and she goes, who are you talking to?

And I was like,

I don't know.

Nobody's saying you can't do that.

Yeah, she was like, nobody's saying you can't do it.

You should have gone on an earlier show.

The first story.

No, this is this gets good.

Oh, there's more.

Oh, yeah.

This is funny.

There's three stages of this story.

So

I'm like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So I start rubbing her shoulders again.

But then I was thinking of this time that,

do you know what top golf is?

Is that like an adult thing?

No, it's like

a slang for some sort of sexual maneuver.

I like where your mind is.

You can invent one, I guess, but not golf.

This is basically just a driving range that it's like there's several different

tiers.

So it's like it's all open and you hit out these balls, these golf balls out into a big field and shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

And then there's like, so you're doing it, then there's a person above you doing it.

Yeah, I've seen it.

It's an ocean county.

Right.

And if you get to, you know, if you look at the edge, there's like that cargo net in case people fall.

So I had occasion to be at a top golf with some people and Sal and his dad.

And if you know Sal and his dad, they're very close, like

courtship of Eddie, like annoyingly close, like we, like the opposite of what we had.

So I'm thinking, like,

because of Macarena or one of those songs was on, and I'm like, what if I just start like dancing as he's golfing, right?

And

accidentally bump into him and he falls down and rolls, but he gets caught by the cargo net, so he doesn't die.

Am I asked to leave the party?

That's what I was thinking.

And Sal's cousin was talking to me as I was thinking this, and I was laughing so hard to myself.

I'm like, how does this guy not realize?

I'm trying not to laugh because I was thinking about this in the moment, right?

When I was at the party, but then I started thinking about it again, and this is probably four months later

while I was rubbing her down.

I guess I started laughing too much for her liking.

Who's that?

Would you say that was it?

I started laughing, and I'm like, what?

And I was like, I was thinking to Sal's

and sex and then she goes yeah like on a dong

so i i i i i regrouped one more time and almost as soon as i do no what no i ended it there oh oh then i insisted no because then

you well you ended it there but i didn't know it because sage

knocked on the door.

She was,

she doesn't like the dark.

You know, she's afraid of the dark, so she knocks on the door and and she wants me to turn the light on.

And so I open the door and I'm like, whoa, what's up?

And she's like, dad, it's too dark.

I need the light on.

And I go, oh my God, there's an alien right behind you.

And I face palm her and push her back.

And I was like, they want you.

They don't want me.

So I'm pushing her out of the room with straight arm in her, with like face palm in her.

And she's.

Sage is screaming.

Screaming.

Like she does not like it.

She's not like she's actually afraid of the dark.

So she's screaming.

Then I'm like, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

And I flick the light on and I turn around to go back in the room, and Meredith shuts it and locks it.

And that was the end of the massage.

She locked me out.

And I still haven't had a massage.

That's true.

Yeah, I didn't do another one after that.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.