#433: Stirling Porrich

I went to all the trouble to grow this beard.

What did she do?

She was born and then was pretty.

Like, how the fuck is that an accomplishment?

But

wild ass for life.

Yeah.

So, I don't know what my point was.

I just totally lost it.

Where's Mary Beth?

My dad's a kind of a fucking pimp.

He's into this weird shit.

He's into the chocolate pudding.

Tell him Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave Walt broadcasting from the beautiful Shared Universe Studios.

In downtown Eaton, New Jersey.

Yeah.

Is this Eaton Town?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, it is Eaton Town.

And

we've got Q via Skype or whatever service.

Satellite.

Skype.

He's here by satellite.

I mean, we can see him.

I'm here.

I can hear him.

He is Skype.

I'm Skyping in.

I'm in Texas.

What are you doing there?

You guys remember Monster Vision on TNT years ago?

Joe Bob.

Joe Bob Briggs, right?

He's back in a big way, right?

He's back on Shutter, and they're doing a Victor Crowley episode.

So I flew down with a cast of Victor Crowley to hang out

with Joe Bob.

Nice.

How old is Mr.

Biggs or Briggs now?

They say he's in his 60s.

Oh, that's it, huh?

Oh, okay.

I would guess he didn't look infirm or anything like that.

Now he's.

You weren't sizing up his health the whole time?

No, he's a step below, just a little bit below, a Spengooli, right?

I guess it depends what region you're from.

Oh, really?

It's a regional thing, huh?

He's 67.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It looks pretty good.

Yeah, well, Svengoolie is mostly in Chicago down in Texas.

This is where...

Well, Joe Bob is national.

Was national at the time?

He was national, but he recorded from Texas,

Dallas.

But I think he had a...

Right.

He had a national platform where Svengoolie was just

originally just Chicago, right?

I think I got to give more props to Joe Bob Briggs because he did it without any kind of costume like Svengoolie and without any like no tits.

No gimmicks.

You know, like Elvira.

He has a sidekick that definitely has tits.

Oh, oh, he brought, but that's new.

That's a new development, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can confirm she has them.

Is she also 62nd?

Somewhere in the 20s between my guests.

Yeah, that's a very recent development on the Joe Bob Briggs universe.

He saw Sven Gooly trending constantly.

He's like, well, either I put on makeup or I hire a 20-year-old with Big Tets.

Yeah, I got two co-hosts, basically.

Yeah, it was cool, though.

It was a lot of fun.

I mean, if you remember him from MonsterVision, it's the same thing.

Like, just sitting there talking about the movie and stuff.

Nice.

I went to a movie today.

I know you guys like to talk comics.

Yes.

Oh, you went and saw Birds of Prey?

I did.

Did you?

So did I.

Did you?

Yeah.

I went this morning because I have the day off.

I'm just kicking around Dallas today until tomorrow morning.

So I went to go see it.

What did you think?

I actually liked it a lot.

I thought it was really fun.

Yeah.

That's what I was texting.

I was like, it's a fucking fun movie.

It was good.

Sage

saw the trailer somewhere and asked if I would take her.

So I

took her today.

And I was,

it's a real girl power type thing.

I mean, you have...

The whole cast is females that are beating up people.

And then the writer, female, director, female.

Turned out a fucking really good, fun movie, anyway.

I thought.

Well,

they did it right.

They didn't bang you over the head.

Every moment wasn't like, look at us, go, women.

No.

They would just kick an ass.

They look fucking great.

It was a pretty great movie.

This is also the first movie.

It may be the first DC movie I've seen in

a long time.

Harley Quinn, the Margo Robbie.

That is, like, I mean, she's had more time, but that character is so fully formed, and you're like, oh, that's Harley, versus like the other two who you didn't know as well, Black Canary and what's her name, Huntress.

Right.

Like, it seemed like they, she was so big and such a character that they sort of like seem more reserved.

Would you say the analogy is like Margot Robbie is to Harley Quinn as Hugh Jackman is to Wolverine?

Like, no one now can play Wolverine.

Hugh Jackman?

Is that, would you agree with that, Q?

Yeah, or or Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool, I think, is a closer

analogy a little bit.

Why not Hugh Jackman?

Well, Hugh Jackman did it for 20 years.

Oh, okay.

You're saying because he had more, he had more time in the character to develop more connection to the audience than Margot Robbie has had?

Yeah, I just think the history of it.

But look at how quickly Ryan Reynolds inhabited

Deadpool.

I think she did the same thing.

I actually didn't like her in Suicide Squad.

There was not much to like in Suicide Squad, her included.

Yeah, I mean, she looked great, but I mean, she really nailed it in this.

Yeah, she was really good.

Did you at any point think

if they reversed the gender roles here, where it's a team of five guys, or even just Harley Quinn,

beating brutally woman after woman after woman the way these girls were kicking guys' asses?

I'm like, what would the outcry be?

Like, at one point, some guy calls Harley Quinn a name.

He's like, hey, slut or something.

And his legs are like, he has him out on like this table.

He's like, kick him back.

And she jumps in the air, comes down and breaks both his legs for calling her a name.

Oh, so she's not a hero then?

Oh, no.

I mean, she is.

She is.

Anti-hero.

Yeah.

But all that guy did, like, he wasn't a villain.

That's all his biggest transgression was, was that he said the wrong thing?

Well, he was the bad guy's guy's driver.

Oh, okay.

Well, she didn't know that.

She didn't know it at the time.

No, she didn't know it.

She only found out later.

To be honest, like, you kind of agree with the guy at first because he was just trying to enjoy the nightclub.

And wasn't she like...

Oh, she's being boisterous and loud, and they're like, just an attention whore.

Yeah.

She's being Harley Quinn.

She was being really annoying.

And he was like, yo, why don't you just fucking get off the table?

And she's like, okay.

And then basically crippled him for life.

Well, he did then.

It was just like, all right, now you shouldn't.

That wasn't.

But up until that moment, he was probably in the right.

Yeah, I mean,

it's really violent, too.

It is, yeah.

What was it rated?

It had to be rated R.

Yeah.

There was a lot of

cursing in it, too.

Wow, that's that's surprising.

They went with R, so they're they're taking a Deadpool route, uh, DC, huh?

Yeah, it's and the action's really good.

They got the guys who did the John Wick movies

to direct the action.

Oh, is that who did the oh, really?

Yeah, you can tell

that

yeah, it was very, very well done.

Like, all around, yeah.

I mean, I rarely see them, but I would recommend it.

Is this the beginning of a new era for DC Movies Q?

I think so, because

they nailed Shazam, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So

I had heard.

I tried that into Aquaman.

Well, that did very well, though.

That did Bafo box office, but I had heard there was a little bit of people were saying a little bit of disappointment at the lack of Mr.

J.

Not that, Mr.

J.

Not the Jared Leto, Mr.

J.

Well, no, but like a Joker in there was no Joker, so people were kind of like, uh.

In this?

Yeah.

Well, can you now have a Joker that's not Walking in Phoenix?

Like you would have you would have had to have him in the movie, right?

Or is that universe completely different?

Yeah, I don't know.

Is there anything to tie the Joker movie to the Birds of Praise?

It's the same universe.

Yeah, it's very different.

Would you say they were going for like a 66 vibe at sometimes?

Yeah, definitely.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very like bright colors and shit.

I was waiting for all the bad guys to be like dressed exactly the same, like their crew.

What did you say about her?

I said I thought she was funny.

Like I thought she sold the humor in it.

Like in her face and shit.

Yeah, like not just

the line delivery, but yeah.

I agree.

Does the Huntress wear a costume?

Yeah.

Huntress is a little emote.

And I like that actress.

She was Nikki Swango in Fargo.

I like her a lot.

But she's one of, like, if they did a second one and they switched her out, you probably wouldn't really

know or care.

They didn't give her enough to do.

Almost nothing.

Like, when she was fighting with the, with the,

and when she got real pissed about them calling it a bow and arrow, I thought that was how quickly she got angry.

It is like, I did wonder, though, like, because she just has a little crossbow pistol-looking thing.

Yeah.

And I'm like, why did they not have her like

trick it out or something?

It was like she shoots somebody, she's like, I'm out.

And then she has to like reload.

She's like, I'm out.

Like, you would think it would be like some kind of cartoony comic booky gun.

Yeah, they did a cool reloading thing, like the Terminator, where she clicked it forward, shot the arrow, but it did take too much

time.

And what's in it?

She goes into a police station with a huge bazooka-looking gun and starts shooting beanbags at cops, and they're like exploding with

confetti and glitter and shit.

Yeah, it was,

I don't know, I liked it.

Yeah,

when you describe that, you're like, well, that sounds shitty.

Yeah.

But it's not at all.

Walt, you know,

something came across my path today.

I don't know.

Q, you must know this.

That,

oh my god, turn on, hold on.

Where are the apps, Rob?

I'm gonna give you

how do you do this?

I'm gonna give you a little look.

God damn it.

Anyway, Q,

that's him.

Hello?

Is this

so it's not the stash's fault?

No, it's this is this is no, this is a link that somebody sent.

You're just like, I'll be able to find it in a second.

We are at the shared universe where they have the best Wi-Fi in the state.

Right.

It's been certified.

I mean, I know Ming spent the most on the cable wires in here.

Top of the line, the government has

less,

you know, has inferior cables in the shared universe building has, I heard.

Right, exactly.

Ming has some sort of fiber optics he got from his home country, you know, government shit.

I have to give Ming a financial bailout.

We're bringing in John McAfee tomorrow.

Somebody get ready to squat.

No, Mac from OA Sunny.

Oh, yes.

He addressed.

Why?

Now it's just a picture.

Ah, here we go, Walt.

Okay, so Mac from OA Sunny addresses Q's tweet.

Oh, really?

That's pretty impressive, isn't it?

Let's see.

Five.

Really?

He clearly didn't know who I was.

What was the tweet?

Why do you think I'm bringing it up?

Oh, it's a sandbagging.

What was a tweet question?

We'll show you in a second.

Fat Mac was for the people.

Fat Mac represented me.

This new shredded Mac makes me feel sad about myself.

Well, Brian,

that was my goal.

I was like, who's this Brian Quinn?

I know he's out there, and I'm going to make an entire season of a TV show dedicated to making him feel sad about himself.

So, Brian, I'm glad I accomplished my goal.

Your transformation, especially

it's awesome, isn't it?

It's awesome.

Like, even though he doesn't know who you are, it is still like back when you recommended, like, oh, you got to watch this show, when you told me, you couldn't have conceived.

But it sounds like you annoyed him, like, I guess how some people may annoy you online.

Like, he was kind of being, I felt, snarky with you.

No, well, that was the tone of the whole video.

Like, he was

with everyone.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just, he was repeating that he did it for money and he didn't do it because he thought it would be funny or any of that shit, which means he probably did it because he thought it would be funny.

Of course, he did it.

Right?

Yeah.

That's what I would have thought.

I don't know.

I was still impressed, even though, and that's very surprising, though.

Like, when people are like, oh, I haven't heard of Impractical Jokers, I don't know why, but it always surprises me.

And somebody in the entertainment industry, you think he's just like, he's trying to diss you publicly?

Like, there's no fucking way he hasn't heard of Impractical Jokers.

He's in the fucking entertainment industry.

But he just saw Brian Quinn, though.

He may have heard of the Impractical Joker, but he doesn't know you guys by name.

Well, the one before was Chris Pratt, right?

That he did.

Oh, I mean, that was it.

I don't know.

Does he have a check mark next to this?

Yeah.

Yeah, he does.

He's verified.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

I assume that somebody who was a fan of the show used it for that bit, and then he just didn't tell him who I was and who the hell could tell

from that little picture, I guess.

Or he just doesn't know the fucking show.

I don't know either one.

I still love the guy.

Yeah, it seems a lot of these people are verified that he's answering.

Oh, yeah.

It's a no-chance Sunday, Jeff.

Yeah, I'm the only one on the podcast that's not verified.

Because

you have to have your real name up there.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Because I have to.

Then I'll never be verified.

It doesn't seem to really matter.

No.

I mean, I haven't seen my life change in the years that I've been verified.

Like, nothing's come from it, really.

Not at all.

Well, I'm curious about your

take on this.

You used to be much more, I feel, much more conservative when it came to crime and that kind of shit.

More real throw the book at them kind of attitude.

But you seem a little softer these days.

I'm softer on crime?

I think so.

What gives you that idea?

I think so.

Well, you know, you're not railing against everyone.

I've just figured out what I should rail against when I'm just by myself or with my friends rather than what I should rail against when I'm on Mike.

I found that it affects people.

You know,

it hurts morale of the listener morale, and if

you get too political.

So, I've tried to

steer clear of saying things that I know are just going to annoy people.

When I annoy people, I do it in a way that I'm just going to do it in a while.

I'm a wheelhouse.

You know, I'll talk about Tom Brady if I feel like I want to talk about something conservative.

Yeah, that's about as conservative as it gets these days.

But, I mean, I remember like 90s, like you, you watched Bill Riley and then fell off and then

stopped talking about that shit altogether.

Well,

no interest.

Yeah,

I think because I just got my own things going on.

You know, I got my own stuff

to think about.

So, yeah, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about other people's problems.

I know, I don't, you're like, I don't care about society.

I got my own shit going on.

That's what you're saying.

Yeah, I don't want to.

But what's this crime story?

This crime story, I'm curious if you would be hard on this crime.

The graffiti artist dubbed Penis Man could be facing a hard time after a SWAT team took him down in Phoenix, potentially ending a long string of vandalism.

All right, so this guy went around spray-painting cocks onto Walmarts and landmarks and municipal buildings.

I didn't think for a second, wow, I should have.

How dumb am I that the guy called Penis Man was known for graffitiing,

like spray-painting penises on things?

I didn't think it was that literal.

literal it's that literal

and uh the guy is 38 okay okay

uh he was arrested and charged with 16 counts of aggravated criminal damage eight counts of criminal

um 25 heavily armed swat officers swarmed his apartment complex before arresting him at gunpoint

so This is a guy who I guess they felt very strongly about getting since he's out there ruining, you know.

We've all done it, though, right?

I mean,

we've all drawn a dick somewhere.

Oh, sure.

You know, usually on pest out people's faces.

When we used to take meetings at agents and managers' offices, like we would go into meet at like CAA to like, oh, meet a new agent or whatever.

They had these pads on the table, and we would always peel them back about 10 pages and just start drawing dicks so that eventually they'll rip off the pads and get down to like the dick one and then wonder who drew the dick, but we would have been gone a long time by then.

Right.

But that, and that's also not really destroying anyone's property or making it an eyesore.

Like you're driving by with your young girls.

They're like, whoa, dad, who's this penis man guy?

Tell us about him, the legend of penis man.

We want to hear it.

But I mean, you've never defaced

a wall or a bathroom, a public place with a, with a, with a dick?

I mean, I think we all have him.

Go on through, search your childhood.

I don't, maybe, but I don't think so.

Really?

Wow.

I would have have thought for sure multiple desk?

Chalkboards, maybe.

Like in school, where you could draw a dick on before the teacher gets in.

Yes, and then they can erase it.

Do you just draw it?

When you draw yours, would it have a bell end or would you just draw it with no?

Would you be cut?

Here, I'll draw it for you.

I'll draw the penis down.

You'll note some touches that I do.

Real real signature.

Like, there's no mistaking.

They're like, all right, that's a penis by Q.

Penis Man is my hero, wrote a Twitter person.

Long live Penis Man.

I guess these people like that he's going around ruining all this shit.

What is your feeling, Walt, about a guy who does this kind of shit?

At 38, it's not like he's fucking 16.

I think that's the key here is that he's old enough to know he shouldn't be doing it.

You got a Q?

Let me see.

That's.

Oh, well, that's not bad.

Pretty good.

It's not bad.

Oh, you put some little spunk coming out, too.

I got some

fell in.

And if you look at the cue at the pubic hair, you know how much that picture would be worth.

See, there's a cue in there.

Yeah, I see it.

That looks good.

That's like about $100 a picture on eBay right now if you were to send that to you.

Now, is your skin translucent and that's the sperm inside, or is that pubes?

Those are pubes.

That's pubes.

That's pubes.

You haven't groomed in a bit.

Well, you just got to do a little shading so that people in the stand that you're looking at.

They get it, right?

Yeah.

I'll sign it.

Would you throw the book at him?

Yes.

I can't stand people who fucking vandalize shit.

All right, but what is it?

Unless it's a beautiful graffiti tagging of TSD under a bridge, then, you know.

But let's say it was something beautiful.

Let's say it was a real piece of art.

I think it's the fact that it's dicks that's causing you to have this

hard line stance.

Right.

Like if it was like a nice set of boobs, I'd be like,

boob man is the best, writes one Twitter user, Ryan Johnson.

He's my hero.

I think it's especially like it's

a special affront to people to have to draw that kind of shit.

I don't want you drawing anything on monuments or walls or any of this shit.

Nobody gives a fuck about your stupid name or your stupid tag.

When can you pinpoint Q, the moment Brian lost that Rebel Edge?

Moments ago.

It wasn't moments ago.

When did it happen?

Did I miss it?

Because I didn't realize it.

And then all of a sudden, one day he was a rebel, then the next day he was the man.

Yeah, about I think about two years ago, that was a real get-off-by-lawn attitude.

I invested in a solid rocking chair.

It's just

a mentality that when you're younger, you never think you'll reach.

You never do.

Want to be old like Edgar, old man Edgar?

I'll fucking draw penises on shit to the day I die.

Wild ass for life.

Yeah.

But

yeah, I mean, if I was in fifth grade, like the wild ass, sure, I would totally understand my kid doing shit like that.

But at 38, I'd be like,

come on, man.

Well, that's how penis Man stays a rebel, though.

I mean, he got SWAT.

I don't know how much he's going to rebel in jail.

How much money did that SWAT team cost the state

or the city?

Right?

Was that necessary, or is that going overboard, Q?

That sounds like it's going overboard.

Why do you need a SWAT team for a graffiti artist?

Because he's going to tour with a detective.

It's probably because he's ruining

government stuff, but 25-guy SWAT team seems excessive.

Is he using a sharpie or is he shooting the fucking penises and something?

Yeah, right.

He's like, what?

Atomic gun?

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Says fecal matter.

Yeah, we brought up.

Am I looking at the same thing?

Oh, no.

There's a lot of people crapping on the streets in San Francisco.

That's not

perpetrator.

Was it?

The penis perpetrator.

That seems like a much better name.

No, I think he named himself Penis Man.

He doesn't want to be known as a perpetrator.

Doesn't want to be known as a perp.

You know.

What else do we got here, Q?

We're about to leave

for a cruise.

You bratal joker.

Screw that's why I'm hanging around Dallas one day because I'm off line all the way back to New York and back down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Excited.

Very, we've got two Space Monkey shows.

One the night we got on the boat.

That's unusual.

I think we did that last year, too.

Didn't we?

Didn't we?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I feel like I have stuff planned that is going to be really great

or really regrettable.

Either way, sounds pretty great.

Now, do you want a heads-up cue or do you want to fly by the seed of your pants?

I think it's better if I don't know, so I can always point to plausible deniability.

He's done it in the past.

I was looking through one of my notebooks yesterday, and

I said to Mary Beth, I was like, if somebody found this notebook open to this,

they may commit me because it's thought after thought, just like completely detached or like nothing goes with anything.

And

a little bit later, she brought me

like, you know, I write notes down on shit all the time.

Like, whatever, if I think of something, I'll forget it if I try to go to like wherever my notebook is.

So I'll just grab a piece of paper or Sage's homework or a cereal box or whatever and i'll write it down how much you do an audio uh notebook like and you just say it you just talk into your phone i i've thought of that but then i'm like where's my phone so if i like and and thoughts will escape within moments so if i think it's good enough i'll write it down yeah it really is bad um and i she brought me a note she goes oh hey this was uh under the table and i and i i read it and i was like oh i was like did you read it and she goes nah i don't i don't read them anymore i said what do you mean?

And she goes, I, I, she goes, I found one once and I read it, and I'm afraid to read anymore.

I've seen that face.

I've had that with my wife.

Remember when I drew the nun with the hit, the baby Hitler coming out of the umbilical cord?

Yeah,

I remember that.

That was like intervention for you, though.

Like, the whole family sits you down.

They're like,

who was bad to you when you were young?

But I know that face.

I know that's that concern and that

feeling of like, I don't know who you are.

Yes, yes, yeah.

Like, like, I've thought I knew, and I thought I knew a lot, and I did, but I didn't know everything because I just saw this thing.

Yeah, the baby Hitler with the nun.

It's extreme.

Some people.

Yeah, but I was going for, I told her, man, I thought.

That was the blackest of metal.

Yeah, man.

This was a metal band that wanted something that no other metal band has.

And to my knowledge, I haven't seen a nun giving birth to a Hitler fetus

holding up a God's heart

in an alleyway.

I saw like three of them today.

Suck on that, peter.

What was it?

What was the final, like, all right, all right.

Was that it?

It just took Zai the talker down off the ledge and you know, make her realize that, like,

you can still teach a Catholic school.

Yeah, I'm an artist.

You can't judge me.

You can't judge an artist

when he's, especially if he's being paid to come up with an album, an album cover art.

You know, you can't, that's what they want.

That's the client.

Right.

It's like, it's 20 bucks.

Yeah, $20, $20.

That's what it was.

$20.

$20.

Yeah.

I know I still have a copy of that.

You made a copy of it, and I have it somewhere.

That outline stuff.

Like, remember you did like a whole border of weird shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, if I had that nun with the fetus,

that'd be a new TSD shirt.

You could get

more than he'd get for that penis picture he just drove.

Oh, man, I wish I had it.

Did the album not come out?

No, the album never came out, and the band broke up.

Although, I heard recently, like within the past year or two, you would definitely know them.

In fact, I think your father might have even been in the band.

Demonisey.

Back in the 80s.

It's entirely possible that Madelina at one point was in Demodicy.

There's a very strong chance, actually.

Yeah, they were hard rockers.

They never put out an album, but they did.

They did vinyls, Q, you know, and like little seven-inch singles of like

real

crazy, you know, demonic stuff.

That's cool.

I remember those days where bands would give out their little 45s.

Yep.

Singles, yeah.

Have you had moments like that in your past relationships, Q, where someone is like, I don't know you at all.

Or I did not know this.

And you feel a little judged?

Yeah, no, not really.

I think for me, it's always been more like people know what they're getting into, but then don't realize how much they're not going to like it once they get there.

Rather than like, you know what I mean?

Rather than like, I didn't know this.

Like, I did know this, but I didn't know it was going to be like this.

Right.

I thought it was going to be different, like better, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, no, not really.

I did have

one girl read my journal once and

was, there was nothing in there crazy, but some

disturbing info that they weren't happy to hear was discovered.

But

shouldn't be reading my journal.

She read somebody's journal, I suppose.

What are you going to do?

Have you ever read someone else's journal?

No.

No, I don't think so.

And I had.

Remember when she moved back to Cleveland?

She left a box of her stuff and she left all her journals there.

I had them for two years

before she finally was like, could you send those up?

And I never read them.

Never read them, huh?

Never read them.

No.

I only read one person's diary in part that was Pam's.

I found it, and she was like talking about going to flower shows and meeting Edgar and shit.

What a fucking weird thing to think of.

Like every once in a while I think of Pam and Edgar.

I'm like, you know, they're 74 now.

Right.

I'm like, that's not young.

And I'm like, do you think, I don't ask him, but it's like, do you think more of death when you're that close?

Or are you like, I can't even.

I think you just have to think about it.

I think you'd keep, it's like something you don't even want to think about, so you just don't even acknowledge it or even dwell upon it.

Because you can't do anything.

Right.

So fuck it.

It's got to come a point where you're ready to go, though, right?

Where you're so old.

you're like, I don't give a fuck.

Let's just wrap it up.

That's why I said the Merry Birthday.

I can't remember why we were talking about it, but it's like so many, like, many people are like, I'm ready to go.

Like, especially if they're religious.

Imagine talking about it with a 25-year-old girl

about this kind of like the mortality of life.

She must have

her point of view.

I'm like, now that we walk into the sunset together,

are you ready to go like I am?

It's like the Heaven's Gate culture shit.

I'm like, put your sneakers on.

But I can't imagine her, like, her frame of reference or her way her head.

It's got to be like, it's, it's got to be something that's like a million years off in the distance for her.

Probably, although she, she, many times, she's like, I'm going to die before you do.

Probably at my hands.

Why did she say that?

Why would she have to say that?

I don't know.

She's just one of those people that has that, like, that feeling that she's going to die younger or whatever.

Plus,

she is like kind of older than me in terms of energy energy and shit.

Like I'm far more ready to go and do stuff

than she is.

She's like a big-time homebody.

Sage, too.

I can't get these two to leave the house.

Like a bunch of cats over there.

Yeah, really.

Shit, what was I saying?

You don't keep a journal, right?

No, I've never written a journal.

Never had anything like really all that exciting to

document.

Yeah, I don't know if it's about writing down all the the high points as much as you get shit out, like

you know, if you feel a certain way about something.

And even through writing it, it's either like therapeutic or maybe you're like, oh, okay, it helps you think of it in a different way or whatever.

No, I like to do it.

Sometimes

if I'm talking, I'm fucking walking around pontificating.

I smoked a little bit.

Mary Beth will, she'll be like, hold on, hold on.

And if I say something that she thinks is valuable, she'll write it down in this little notebook.

Because I walk around just saying shit constantly.

and sometimes she'd be like, That's good, that's good.

And actually, one of the things she wrote down that she told me to keep is a centerpiece on one of the Space Monkey shows.

Oh, really?

Yeah, so that one I was like, I was glad she wrote it down because I 100% would have forgotten it.

Hugh, how, how much would it do for your ego if you had someone in your life that was just following you around with a notebook?

Right,

voluntarily,

like, thought that you knew that she she should have the

pen and pencil in hand to record any random gold nuggets that might fall out of your mouth.

It's like a 50 screwball comedy.

I'm like, take a letter.

Just like she's just walking around.

Now, do you say stuff and then you look, do like a quick lick glancer to see if she's writing it down?

Not worth packing a notebook.

I guess it can't all be James.

Can you imagine me telling Debra?

Can you imagine me telling Deb, Deb, I got you this notebook.

Can you just keep a pen with you as well with this notebook, but can you make sure that whenever I say something that's, I don't know, you think is worthwhile or it should be, you know, I mean, it's all worthwhile, but

it's memorable or is good.

And could you write it down?

I don't even know what her response would be.

It would be fucking like.

I never asked her, though.

I never instructed her.

No, I know.

I know you didn't, but I'm just saying, could you imagine?

I wouldn't need to suggest this, though, because my wife would never do it.

So I would, if I did, I just don't even know what the response would be.

You should try it.

I'm going to.

I'm going to try it.

I'll tell you what happens.

A little litmus test.

Yeah.

Wow.

I would love to see her notebook.

Yeah, me too, because I forget most of it, but she has all this stuff written down.

And sometimes she's like, don't use that here.

Don't use that there.

I was like, oh, you know what?

I'll use that for this.

And then she's like, you're mad.

And then she's like, that's too good for that.

don't use it for that whoa yeah no it's pretty good it's nice because i like then there's a bronze because honestly everything i think like everything i say i think is worth writing down but she's more selective you know so she filters out all the bullshit and once in a while you know she'll write something down can we

can you do that on the cruise like have her or like can we read some like some selected pages and i'll do one too

and i'll have my wife write down like the things that she thinks are worthy of me, and we'll compare pages.

Yeah, definitely.

So,

tell Mary about this start anew on the cruise.

Or maybe go through the notebook and pick some pages that she would like to be read aloud.

I mean, I don't think of everything.

If she's editing you in real life, she also would think you shouldn't say this on the pod, too, maybe as well.

That's true.

We should be talking about meundis anyway.

I don't know.

This is crazy.

But yeah, let's do that, though.

I'll see if I can get my wife to partake in it as well.

A little exercise.

That's interesting, man.

Do you talk to her a lot?

Do you walk around?

Like, I do a lot of proselytizing and

yell-like, you know, I'll be like, this is the way things should be.

And sermon advisors.

Well, look at the differences

in the entries that you have and the entries that she feels are worthy of my ramblings, if you want to call them ramblings.

All right.

Thank you.

You could judge them and see.

I love it.

I can't wait.

To nod like page after page about Mike and get him being annoying.

Oh, I do have.

I do have a.

I wanted to ask you something.

We got a Miondiso?

Yeah, we do have a Miyandis.

I do have something I wanted to ask you.

I think

any underwear aside from Miyandi should be outlawed.

They should swat your house.

Hold on, hold on.

Let me get my notebook and write this down.

Yeah, there you go.

It's that perfect time to show that special summon how much you care and say those three words everyone wants to hear.

Match my undies.

All right, Q.

My undies has the most adorable Valentine's Day prints to get all lovey-dovey.

Don't worry if you don't have a boo.

They also make buddy bands.

So if you're like cat lady or something and people are like, you're gross, you're a hoarder.

Your house smells like cat piss.

Yeah.

They have these buddy bands so that you can match your cats or your 27 cats, depending, you know.

Cool.

Do you ever wear...

Oh, I also found out why you don't get my Miundis.

The form was sent to your assistant, who evidently dropped whatever ball

it was, and that's why you've been going Commando this whole time.

Because I know you won't wear anything if they're not Myundis.

Oh, I'm about to make a phone call.

You'll let that assistant know.

Let's see.

They have not one, but three new prints this year, Walt for Valentine's Day.

It's a perfect opportunity to take it to the next level with matching pairs.

What else do they have?

Loungewear.

You can wear it in and out.

So keep your eyes peeled for cozy new additions.

And here's the offer.

You might want to take this down since you haven't been getting yours.

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It's a no-brainer because they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

So get 15% off your first pair, free free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Go to meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

The three members of TESD will wear nothing, nothing, if not Miyundis.

We're into the modal or modal.

So, yes, I wanted to ask you because I thought of you immediately when these two things happened to me during the week.

And I wished that you were there to

kind of take the baton from me because I think I was a little bit too

lenient.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

The other day I woke up and I must have slept on my arm, my shoulder wrong.

And I felt I had like a pinched nerve in my arm in my shoulder.

And I had a hard time lifting my arm.

I couldn't even hold a pencil.

It was too heavy, the pencil.

And

it was my left arm.

So I had to drive to work with my right arm.

And when I pulled into my parking spot at work, I didn't pull in all the, like, properly.

Can I say, I noticed.

I noticed because I stopped by to see the denim surgeon about something that day, and I did notice that you were outside the lines a little bit.

I am.

Yeah, that was because my shoulder was so fucked up.

And

I was in agony, but I still went to work, and I drove with one arm, and I'm trying to make that swing into the parking lot, into the parking spot.

And

I couldn't get my sh

my seatbelt off because my arm hurts so bad.

So I'm just sitting there.

I was just sitting in the car trying to muster up the strength and the willpower to like just, okay, I'm just going to do it, even though I could barely lift my arm.

And I couldn't open the door either because it was on the, because it's on the left-hand side, the door.

Comics must be sold.

So I'm sitting there and a car pulls in next to me.

So, so close to me that when the lady gets out, she kind of like ticks my car like ever so gently.

It's like with her door she goes

you know very very lightly yeah and uh she get and i look up at her and i'm in pain though but i think she looked i guess she thought i looked up at her as if i was in a grouchy mood and i didn't say anything i just looked i just looked away because i don't care my car is a piece of shit i don't give a fuck if somebody fucking

like you know hits it or anything but she got out and started yelling at me and i couldn't yet i couldn't do anything i couldn't even i couldn't even roll my window down because um it was on that side and I couldn't move.

And she starts yelling at me and that, like, I'm over too far, and you got to back up and go back in.

And she goes, he goes, you're over the line.

And she goes, and I didn't say, I just like kind of waved her off.

I was just like, I just shook my head yes.

I was like, whatever, whatever.

And I thought that's the end of it.

Like two seconds later, she comes back out for wherever she was going.

And she goes, learn how to fucking drive.

Wow.

And I didn't think it was.

No, wait, she comes back out, gets in the car, says, learn how to drive, gets in the car.

She came back out to yell at you, then went back in.

Is it upstairs?

She's upstairs.

We're doing yoga.

Is she one of the owners?

No, just one of the clients.

Oh, wow.

I'm surprised.

Some rich white bitch, no doubt.

And she wasn't friendly?

Oh, my God.

I couldn't believe how angry she was, though.

So you're saying, well, was it leniency?

Like, if you had been in better health, like if you hadn't been incapacitated?

Well, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't even open the door to say anything.

I was just like, I just had to take it.

I just had to sit there and have her yell at me in front of every, like, well, in front of nobody behind the stash, but right.

But I was just like,

I mean, maybe I'm, maybe my arms hurt.

Maybe I can't get out of it.

Maybe I can't fucking put my parking spot correctly.

I'm not saying that she should have leapt to that conclusion.

I don't know what she's thinking.

Maybe it was your non-reaction that got her even angrier, and that's why she felt the need to come back out.

Like she's looking for a fight.

Because some people want that, you know?

I kind of just shook her off.

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

I admire it because that's not how it would have gone if she said that shit to me.

I don't care how much fucking pain I was in.

I wish you were there, though, because I was that angry because I was hurting, and then she was yelling at me.

I was like, you know, you would be like, bro, I got it.

Yeah, I would have been like, I would have taken you off the leash, man.

I would have enjoyed it.

I would have been like,

I'd be like, didn't you just hit his car?

You know, how about we call the police right now, bitch?

How about that?

And then you just walked away, and that's leaving the scene of an accident.

I'll swat you.

Draw a penis on you.

The same exact night.

My arm get feels better.

My arm starts to

loosen up and

everything's fine.

I go to KFC by myself.

I don't get off the chart or whatever it's called off the menu.

I order off

stuff that's not on the menu.

Right.

Like customers who are familiar and like they're in the know.

Well, no, I just don't like.

I want two breasts.

And two breasts are not an option

on the board behind the register.

So it's not so much a secret secret menu.

It's an a la carte order.

All right, go ahead.

But I want white meat, and I don't want a breast and a wing or a breast and a thigh.

So a two-piece, you're like.

Yeah, and I'll pay for the extra for it because I'm not going to eat the breast or the wing anyway.

I mean,

the wing and the thigh anyway.

So I'll pay a little bit extra to get two pieces of white meat.

So the guy gives it to me.

I go sit down.

I got a picture of it, but it doesn't really matter for this.

But neither of them are breasts.

No?

No, I don't think so.

One of them was the size of my thumb.

If you look at that.

Oh, boy, that's a thigh if I ever saw one.

I mean,

that is not a breast.

No, it's a thigh.

That's not a thigh.

Or the breast of

a seagull that they find in the parking lot.

So the fast food place got your order wrong, so you flipped out, you went in there.

Well, I went up to the counter.

They broke their door.

No.

That's a given.

So I went up to the guy and I go, hey,

hey, brother, I ordered two breasts.

I don't think either one of these are breasts.

So are you trying to be like, relate to him?

I'm trying to be nice.

You know, I'm trying to be like, hey, man, I know it's hectic back there.

And I know you probably just grabbed any piece of chicken.

I'm cool.

Got into a car accident earlier tonight.

So you say, I don't think either one of these is a breast.

Yeah, I don't don't think any one of these are breasts.

And he goes, no, no, those are breasts.

And then there's a piece of,

I go, I think it's a wing.

I go, he goes, no, no, that's not a wing.

That's a breast.

That's a wing.

And in the box was,

you ever see like when you get a piece of fried chicken and like a piece of the breading, there's like a piece of breading that has been fried, but there's really no chicken in it.

He called that a wing.

He goes, that's a wing.

It's like, that's a bone with breading on it.

No, there's no bone in it.

It's just breading.

It's just breading with no meat in it.

How big was that?

How big was the piece?

It was like about that big.

It was like less, like half the size of a nugget, of a chicken nugget, if they serve nuggets there.

So I go.

And he said that was a breast?

He goes, no, that was a wing.

He goes, that's a wing.

He goes.

And I go, but I didn't order a wing.

So I order two breasts.

So why is that wing even in there if that is a wing?

Right.

You can just have it.

He goes.

I don't want it.

That's what he said.

But you can just have it.

He goes, I didn't charge you for it.

And I go, and I go, is there anybody, like, can, is there anybody else here?

Because I really don't think these are breasts.

And he goes, and somebody else comes over and he goes, and I go, and he goes, those are breasts.

And I'm like, what are you supposed to say then?

Because I'm like, give me my fucking money back.

I'm like, give me my fucking money back right now.

I couldn't tolerate it.

It's like, you're asking me to buy into this fucking bullshit.

We all know they're not breasts.

Why are you backing him up?

I'm the customer.

Do you know how easy it is to just give me two real breasts and send me on my way?

It doesn't cost you a nickel.

I don't think it was easy.

I don't think they had breasts.

Oh, okay.

I don't think they had breasts, and they were just like saying these were breasts to anybody who was stupid enough to ask for breasts.

Like a midget might believe it.

So I said to them, like, I had to just be like, how can I win an argument with two guys who work in the chicken industry, though?

And I'm going to tell them that those are...

They're experts.

Those are not breasts, though.

So I just was like, all right, whatever.

I said, and I go, and I just threw it in the garbage and left.

But I didn't throw it, like, not aggressive.

I just dumped the tray.

Yeah, like, slam-dunk it.

You didn't throw the tray in the garbage?

Jesus Christ how many opportunities do you want to miss

yeah but I walked away though going like man I I wonder

like the feelings I was having that empty feeling I wonder if that's what you were you were feeling all that time all those times that you had banished all those years

yeah

just in general that that empty feeling of being like you'll take what we give you.

I can't bear it.

Just recently, within the last two days I said to to Mary Beth, I was like, I don't understand these fucking people who act like they're doing you a favor at any number in any number of service industries where it's like, okay, well, we'll give you this, but not this.

Or like, hey, do you have this in a size?

Oh, I don't know.

It's like, well, go fucking find out.

That's your job.

And I get not wanting to do your job, which is why I don't do a regular job.

I can't do it.

I'm like, where I work at the stash, I was a horrible employee.

I never should have worked there.

I never should be in retail for any reasons.

But this shit is is untenable, man.

Like a waitress.

I went down to the diner in Red Bank the other day and I'm like, she fucks up, gives Mary Beth the wrong thing.

I'm like, okay, gave her the wrong thing.

No big deal.

She then goes and it's tea instead of coffee.

It's that simple.

She then goes and takes two other people's orders, da-da-da.

And it's like, we got our food, asshole.

Bring the fucking tea first and then go do this.

Like, you just watch people.

And I'm not good at doing these jobs, but I am good at judging people doing these jobs.

So I know if they're doing a good job or not, right?

This kind of shit, I'm just like, it makes me not want to go out to eat ever.

And happy that Sage never wants to go out either.

She's like, she'd rather order in, watch TV.

But you know what?

My wife said when I got home and I told her the chicken breast story, she was like, well, you know what that KFC is like.

You know it's an absolute like

institution.

You know, like it's a

it's not a place where you get good service ever.

So like you're just asking for a problem.

They're like, oh, just go to the KFC down the street.

Oh, wait, it's 25 miles away.

And, you know, and that's just like,

yeah, probably will never go back now.

I'll just never go back.

It sucks.

I don't think they care that I'm never going back.

They could care less, though.

I mean, that place does so little business.

I have no idea how they're still around.

I don't know.

They do so little.

Almost none.

So much.

Wow.

Well, that's why they do so little.

Yeah.

But why do you think Chick-fil-A

is

like like the lines of Chick-fil-A's, I don't know, every time I go into a mall, the lines of Chick-fil-A's are fucking outrageous.

They're so long, and yet KFC can't get that business, and that's all they do is chicken.

I mean, isn't Chick-fil-A like fresh chicken?

Isn't it a whole different ball game over there?

It's not fried, it's good.

I don't know,

I think it's the same deal.

I think it's the same concept, though.

It's still fried chicken, and they were the grandfather of it all.

And Chick-fil-A has come in and stolen every bit of fucking juice from them.

Well, do you like Popeyes?

I've never eaten Popeyes.

Because it definitely has a spice to it.

It's like Louisiana style or something.

Yeah.

I like fried chicken, but KFC is rough, man.

It's so fucking greasy.

And there's a lot of like...

When you're taking it apart, you're like, is this part of the chicken or is this an insect that got deep fried?

Because it always has those spiny fucking ribs and shit.

When I start looking at it and thinking that, I'm like, fuck it, just fuck it.

You've never had a bad experience with KFC.

Never?

How often do you go?

Not that often.

Or six times a week.

When's the last time you can say you're right?

Last year, definitely.

Oh, within the last year, you have gone.

Not a bad experience.

They got a facet.

They brought it over

for lunch one day.

Well, I bet you they went through the chicken, the bucket before they gave it to you guys, though, to make sure it was

fucking a primo piece.

I fucking hope so.

You're not getting any thighs masquerading as breasts.

I want to melt down on shit.

Where the fuck did this chicken come from?

Who am I, Wolf Leather?

Dude, your eyebrows look amazing.

Did you get them done?

My eyebrows?

Yeah.

I haven't touched them at all.

They're on fleek, as the kids say, or did three years ago.

Dude, I was sleeping 20 minutes before we started recording.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Don't they look well manicured?

They do, but I have not had a notice of him not having beautifully

quaffed eyebrows?

Yeah, he always seems to have good eyebrows.

Thank you.

You don't work on them at all?

No.

No.

No.

Do you ever buzz them?

When you get your hair done, do they

pull the comb out, like buzz them a little?

They don't shorten them up?

No.

No.

You're going to be one of those old dudes with eyebrows that are like...

Yeah, it looks like a visor almost.

A hairy visor.

No, I mean, I would cut them.

If I get a long one that won't stay in place, I'll snip it out.

How embarrassing is it?

Like, for me, it's demoralizing when I'm, like you said, I don't even know that there's a fucking, that my eyebrows need fucking buzzing, that there's some fucking spiders' fucking legs growing out of my face.

Right.

And their lady's like, you want me to cut those eyebrows?

eyebrows?

They're not looking that great.

And I'm like, who says that?

This is the same lady that was yelling at me about parking.

It wasn't not looking that great.

They're looking a little, they're looking a little

yeah, maybe ragged.

That was, there was a certain word they used.

Now,

you're saying, hey, just do my eyebrows without the insults.

Why would you be so self-conscious?

Or just do them without even asking me.

My eyes are closed anyway.

I'm basically asleep.

Just do whatever you want.

Keep your eyes closed when you get a haircut.

Oh, yeah.

How come?

Because I don't want to talk.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

I do the exact same thing.

And they tried.

Like, how was your day?

And I'm like, huh?

Like, I'll pretend that I was.

I got screamed at because my neck hurts.

Parked like a jerk off.

Lady, want to give me a break.

What's your plans for the week?

You know, just like, uh.

What do you care?

Are you involved in them?

You know what it's all for.

It's to sweeten up that tip.

But wouldn't the tip be bigger if they just.

They don't know that.

Because most people want to have a little conversation.

Is that too awkward to to say?

I sat next to a dude who was telling his beautician or whatever you want to call the lady who was cutting his hair the most

unbelievable shit about how his wife's an asshole and how he thinks that she's stepping out on him and that she goes out with this dude and he's like, I don't think you should be going out with male friends.

And she's like, well, I'm going to do it.

So you better deal with it.

Like he's telling her stuff that like...

I'm shocked that he's telling this to his barbershop lady, whatever you want to call her, a beautician, isn't it?

Yeah, sure.

He's like, I'm a cuck, I'm an idiot.

But yeah, and she was being very sympathetic, and they were talking, and I'm trying to listen to it.

My eyes closed, but

that's tough to do.

But so I think a lot of people do go in there and they kind of use it almost like a bartender session.

Like a therapy session?

Do you think that he was sowing seeds because he liked her and thought maybe he could suck something up?

Yeah,

I think you're on the money.

I think he was definitely sowing some

sympathy seeds.

Yeah, where she was very like, you know, oh, you poor baby.

Oh, that's wrong.

Oh, what is wrong with her?

And he's like, you know, I just work all the time.

I just bring money home.

That's all I do is work, work, work, so I can provide.

You know, he's setting that up, though.

Right.

That is his wife?

His wife, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, I don't think I would tell a complete stranger that.

Yeah,

the guy I go to speaks very,

like, he has a very heavy Italian accent.

So I'd say a good 70% of the shit he says, I'm like, I have no idea what you're saying right now.

It's very loud, and they call each other bro a lot.

It's like that kind of environment, but I just like the way he does the beard, so I deal with it.

He wanted to,

he makes products and shit, and I figured out what he meant eventually, but he has this dye that I, you know, hair dye that he's like, it works for beards.

And he wanted to like dye my beard brown, like, and then put it on Instagram or something.

And I was like, You wouldn't let him?

Fuck no way.

You know how long it would take that to grow out?

Permanent dye in a beard?

Years.

But it might look good, though.

And if it doesn't,

I like it the way it is now.

Just gray.

Yeah, whatever the fuck.

Like, whatever comes my way, that's what I'm taking.

A dirty blonde.

So now I have a blonde beard and blonde hair.

That looks normal on a 52-year-old man.

I mean, that would look weird.

Are there any guys out there with blonde hair and blonde beard?

Like real blonde?

Like

Taylor from

Planet of the Age.

Do you ever think about trimming your beard or do you think it's just that long for life now?

It gets every time I go, it gets trimmed a little bit on the bottom, but it's probably about this long forever.

I can't see taking it off for anything less than a bunch of money.

What would the reason be?

I wouldn't even take it off for like half it or.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, I don't really think about it that much.

It's like all right where it is.

So

yeah.

I like it.

I get a lot of compliments on it.

That's that's the funny thing about like if I'm out with Mary Beth, this my beard gets checked out more than she does.

More people will compliment me about my beard than will ever say anything to her or even look at it.

And it's nice.

It's nice because you know what?

As a guy with this face and shit that people are never like, oh, aesthetically, this is what I like about you.

Where a girl like that, it's like everyone's like, aesthetically, this is what I like about you.

It's nice to be like, take a back seat.

Take a fucking back seat for once in your life to a guy who has something to offer.

Fucking something to offer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not right.

Girls coasting on their good looks and shit.

Yeah, why the fuck would it would a mid-20s girl get more compliments than a dude in his 50s?

I I went to all the trouble to grow this beard.

What did she do?

She was born and then was pretty.

Like, how the fuck is that an accomplishment?

It just is.

I know.

I know.

Put it up against anything I've done.

People will be like, that matters more.

I can't disagree.

Hey, guys, we got a couple of complaints from some listeners from about last week's episode.

Oh, shit.

Do you guys want to hear some emails?

Is it the one I did on Skype, even though I was still sick?

It has nothing to do with you.

It has nothing to do with you personally.

You want to hear a couple of emails that we got?

I want to see what your guys' thoughts on this are because I have my own feelings on how to address it, but I want to see if they line up with you guys.

Show me this lady who yelled at you for parking like that.

I will talk to her.

I will.

I love the podcast they start off with.

It's always entertaining.

My only complaint was that you were too mean to Mike last week, going on and on about him eating ass.

That was just wrong.

Mike's sons listened to TSD.

How do you think that makes his sons feel?

From Julia's house.

How would you,

she said, but this is since it came to me,

she goes, how would you feel if your daughters listened to the podcast and heard things like that said about you?

I think it's getting old.

And then I got another one.

That's not referring to me, is it?

That's Mike's stuff.

Yeah.

I think it's wrong that you guys kept going on and on about Mike liking to eat.

This is from a different person?

A different person.

Who cares?

That's between him and his wife.

I heard you say on a previous episode that Mike's sons listened to the podcast.

That's crossing the line.

Mike's sons should not have to hear about Mike eating ass or liking to eat his mother's ass.

I agree.

Mike's sons.

Um,

Mike's sons listens to the podcast.

You know, Mike's sons had to hear about his dad eating his mom's ass and liking to eat it.

That's wrong on so many levels.

That's real.

You guys should stop talking about it.

Now,

we would if you would stop writing in about it.

But like,

first off, let's hear your thoughts.

Hey,

I didn't fucking bring it up on a podcast.

He put it out there for public consumption.

Right.

Of course.

Nice pun.

We did this podcast for almost a decade without ever once discussing Mikey.

We didn't lean on that.

The time it came up is Mike said it.

And the dig about how would you feel if your girls heard you talk about that, like about something like that on a podcast?

Well, fucking, first off, I fucking would never say that on a podcast.

Oh yeah, you know what?

I haven't thought of it.

Maybe if Mike never brought it up in the fucking first place and bragged to these guys.

Huh.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, though, but like, why am I to be fucking like chastised for fucking what he brought up?

I never would have known about it if he didn't bring it up.

No.

No one would have.

If he didn't want it known or he didn't, if he was like concerned, like, well, this, will this get back to people I don't want to hear about it?

Well, then fucking, why would would you say it?

Right.

Anything you say and put out there, you have to assume will.

Like, wait, just because it was brought up again and only brought up again because Mike was confronted with it in public.

Yes.

Not because we said anything.

I found, yeah, I was really fucking annoyed at this, like, this like wagging at the finger of me and you guys for like as if we crossed a line.

Well, the one thing I do agree with is that before you say anything, think about how it will affect Mike's kids.

And if Mike would want them to hear that, fuck you, you fucking idiot.

I wasn't charged with raising Mike's children or anyone else's children.

So Mike is in charge of if his kids listen to this podcast or not.

I'm not going to fucking curtail what I say around what might fucking offend the delicate sensibilities of the Zapzic children.

And this has nothing to do with Mike.

I'm not, I'm not, at least it's like

what's these assholes who wrote in.

Why wouldn't unless they're on Patreon?

I checked.

I checked their emails.

Neither one of them on Patreon.

Suck a dick.

You believe, better believe.

I was like, let me see if they're on or not.

Let me see how much your opinion matters.

Seriously.

But I don't know.

I feel like...

Ask 8 2020.

I don't.

I wouldn't do something like that.

So why, like, to use that analogy of like, how would I feel?

I don't feel is a fair.

I would feel like I shouldn't have said it.

That's how I would feel.

That's how Mike should feel.

If Mike's even upset, you don't know that he is.

These people are getting upset on his behalf.

Mike hasn't said anything to me about it, so I don't know that he cares.

X joking around about it the other day.

And I'm sorry, if Mike's kids hear that, maybe they think, well, I mean, you don't want to think about him doing it to your mom, but you're like, I mean, on one level, you have to be like, my dad's kind of a fucking pimp.

He's into this weird shit.

He's into the chocolate pudding.

He's an interesting guy.

He's more than just my dad.

He's a fucking human being.

Okay, so at 15, if you heard Edgar was into that, you would have been like, my dad, Edgar's interesting.

Or you'd be like, oh, my God.

No, I mean, at the time, I would be like...

Like I hear it on a CD radio or something.

Like Edgar, but you got your ears on.

I kind of get the feeling you wouldn't be like, wow, I am so fucking impressed with my dad.

No, but

later on in life, later on in life, I would be like, I would be like, wow.

Because we all look at our parents as like, oh, that's my mother.

That's my father.

And it's very one-dimensional.

You never take a step back and you're like, like, your mom was a whole person before you came along.

And then that person changed.

And then that person changed again.

And now she's.

In a constant state of change.

Yeah.

So, like, do you really, like, if you were to be like, hey, Pam and Edgar, do you know Brian?

No.

Absolutely not.

The people of the listeners of Telme Steve Dave know me way better than Pam and Edgar ever would.

So, I don't know what my point was.

I just totally lost it.

Where's Mary Beth?

Correct.

I feel like it, too.

Yeah, I just felt like

all of a sudden now we have to

curtail speech about because, oh, I think

I thought we lost Q.

I'm noticing that.

He's doing his emojis.

Yeah, I can give you guys a thumbs up.

Let you guys know I approve of what you say.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, it's just kind of irked me that they would use that analogy about my daughters though if you well of course because you're very measured in what you say that you wouldn't want to get back exactly um and that's and that's not for everybody i mean

listener who wrote that in both of you guys who wrote that in if he didn't want it out there he could have edited it out.

That was not a live broadcast.

He could have taken the time to be like, you know what?

I'd rather have that not in that podcast.

He has control of that podcast.

It's his podcast.

I mean, but it's his

studio.

He could take that out.

He has like, what's it called?

Executive privilege.

Right.

You know, he could commenteer the whole file.

Yeah.

I mean, he wouldn't because of those guys.

I think they'd be like, oh, you're going to take our file.

Well, yeah, but before he gives it to them, I would be like, I'm going to take that out, guys.

I'm sorry.

Oh, and then like just delete it.

Oh, fuck, man.

Yeah.

All that good ass eating talking out.

Lost

Forever.

That is,

I can't believe that one person wrote in about that.

Let alone two.

Let alone two.

That is a completely unrealistic way to look at things.

We shouldn't talk about something that Mike brought up because his kids who listen to it may, and I, from what I understand, they like when I break Mike's walls.

So like, why would I stop?

Yeah, yeah.

Although, again, I'm 15 and somebody's coming down on it.

You're going I'd be like, that's pretty funny.

And you know, Edgar is fucking fuming about it.

Because there's no possible way he can think of something fast enough to come back at you.

Yeah.

Well, let's see.

We're going to talk one more time about, well, insurance.

Well, one time today.

Life, all kinds of insurance.

This is about the sci-fi.

The year 2020 shows up a lot.

Some people predicted we'd be teleporting to work or living on Mars.

Those predictions are wrong.

The truth is, we'll always get the future wrong, which is why we need to get life insurance.

Yeah.

I drop dead.

So who's going to take care of Sage, right?

Or send me the money once I fake that death.

I'm actually living in another country.

And that's where Policy Genius can help.

You want to fake your death.

They make finding the right life insurance a breeze.

It means you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find your best price.

You could say $1,500 or more a year by using Policy Genius to compare life insurance policies.

I'm sure you got life insurance, right?

Walt, how much are you worth if you kick?

How much are those girls looking at?

We put all the money into

Marvel Masterworks hardcovers, out-of-print hardcovers.

So it's not liquid right now.

I got like 15 shelves of out-of-print hardcovers that when I go,

they're told to go right on eBay and start listing those.

And that's where they'll recoup.

You know, well, where I didn't have life insurance, that's where they'll be able to recoup some of that money.

Okay.

That sounds like a good plan.

And they got

about four to five hundred skulls in the garage that they can move

at a very liquidated price for some quick capital.

I think it's just easier to light a match.

Once you apply, the policy genius team will handle all the paperwork and red tape.

I love that.

I don't like paperwork.

I got too much to do.

I can't be filling out forms all day.

They make it easy, and they can help you find the right home and life insurance.

I mean, home and auto insurance or disability insurance.

Oh, what a dream, right?

Q gets severely injured on the job.

Some impractical joke goes wrong.

But almost happened to Q.

Remember when you had the buttock incident where you fell off the RV?

Oh, you broke your tailbone, your coccyx.

RV?

No, the ATV.

The ATV.

I broke two ribs, so I didn't break my tailbone.

Oh, I thought it was a tailbone.

Okay, so it could have punctured your heart, though, or your lung.

Fuck yeah, man.

I still have nerve damage.

Enough with this shit, man.

I need you around.

You guys must have to have incredible insurance on IJ, right?

Was it their dad?

There are physical stunts you guys do.

We don't really do that many things.

I saw you jump off a cliff.

Not you, but like one of this, one of the punishments.

Yeah, but I mean, you know, in a waterfall.

I saw Mike jump on a cliff.

Cliff Ming C Chen.

Hey, ooh.

Oh, my God.

Mike's kids might hear it.

I'm checking my email.

Yeah, I just got two more emails, two more complaints.

Okay, so if your science fiction dreams for 2020 still haven't become science fact, don't get discouraged.

Get life insurance.

It takes just a few minutes to find your best price and apply at policygenius.com.

PolicyGenius will always get the future wrong.

Better get life insurance right.

Yeah, who's been the most severely hurt you

on the ij

on the show yeah i think so because yeah i broke ribs on the show so that's pretty bad but yeah we don't really do things that are going to get us the alligator thing too i was concerned when i saw you almost get well the alligator's mouth was taped shut but that that tail is the tail in this don't you have like claws on him i felt bad for the alligator more than me i really did with the tape mouth yeah i was like why are we doing this i felt so bad but

sometimes when you don't get to weigh in in your own punishments,

you made yourself a pair of shoes after that, anyway.

Do alligators have a lot of germs?

Like when you get real close and up and personal with them?

You got to have salmonella.

Salmonella.

That would be my guess.

Did you have any precautions?

Did you get any shots before you got into the pen with the alligator?

No.

No, not really.

No.

You want to see alligator diseases?

Have you heard about

the new theory of what's causing the coronavirus?

It's just like...

It's like it's all lies.

It's this really weird-looking, like, armored-plated mammal that,

yeah, it's like a I've never even seen it.

Yeah, yep, and it's endangered already, and they fucking still won't stop eating it over there.

Yeah, that's that's wait, wait, so wait, oh, so they're eating something that's doing this?

Well, they eat, they definitely eat this, this endangered species.

They're not supposed to do it.

What kind of species is it?

What is it?

Oh, it looks like a little

pangolin.

Pengolin.

Pangolin.

It's scales.

It's a weird-looking creature.

It doesn't even look like it's from this earth.

Right.

It looks like something that if you ever saw it, let alone would you not even want to be in the room, but you would never even want to be like, hey, you know what?

Let's let's eat that.

Yeah, I mean, is it just because of that culture where they're like, well, there's too many of us, there's not enough food.

We've got to eat everything.

We've got to eat this anteater's fucking toenails.

We've got to eat this other fucking bullshit no one would ever eat.

A penguin.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Look at it.

Isn't it fucking nasty looking?

Holy fuck.

How would you even know?

Yeah, you would.

You would run from it not knowing.

You think it's cute?

I think it's pretty cute, no?

No, I would be afraid of that.

It looks like an alien.

It looks like an armadillo.

It's a scaly ann eater.

Armadillos are fucking disease-ridden, too.

I don't know if that's coming up in season 12 of IJ, but

the guys eat lemurs or something.

Yeah, don't keep your distance from armadillos.

Yeah, tonight's big loser has to eat a roadkill armadillo.

Yeah, they're related to sloths, armadillos, anteaters, these penguins.

Oh.

So now they've found the culprit.

How quickly do you think they'll find a cure cue?

Fuck, you're talking to somebody with absolutely zero science knowledge whatsoever.

So I'm going to say three weeks.

Oh, he's so cute.

I don't know.

I saw somebody getting put a couple, some lady getting put into a box on like it was on the back of a pickup truck.

And there's like these military-looking guys.

Yeah, like they approached her, like somebody who's doing a camera phone, and they approach her on the street, and it's like they talk to her, and then they walk her over, and she gets into this metal box, and then they like lock it, like a little cage.

Do you think it may not even be from an animal, and that may be some sort of like

warfare germ that got out?

No, because it's really just doing what every other flu does.

It's just the old and the really young or the sick who are in danger.

And that ain't us.

But it's new, though.

You know, and it looks like, unlike any other virus they've ever seen before, it has a crown.

Oh, like it's

the king virus, really.

Yeah, like the royalty of viruses, man.

It's like Biggie Smalls.

It's got some.

I'll tell you what, if anybody on the IJ Cruise is even suspected of having it, we throw them over the side of the ship.

I got an email that said they weren't allowing anyone to board who had been to wherever in China in the past couple weeks.

A lot of precautions going on.

Do you think you'll have

anybody who was recently in China getting on the IJ cruise?

I would think that would be very unlikely, right?

I think quite unlikely.

Are you guys on in China?

That some nationals would come over, you know, and be like, oh, the IJ cruise?

Breathing all over it.

They got pangolin breath.

You're not still not scared.

Last time we talked, you said, well,

your anxiety rating was at a one, right?

You were

still at a one?

Yeah, I don't think it's going to be bad.

It'll be fine.

Wow.

I've never felt, you know, I think that puts a little

puts my anxiety at ease to hear your your anxiety about it.

Not a lot.

Even the listeners.

Like, you know, there's not really a ton of cases in the States.

I'm healthy enough.

I'm not worried about it.

Oh, so it's all you know.

It's all about, oh, so it's only your

healthy enough.

What do you think, though?

Like, if, like, is, would Bri be able to withstand it, you think?

Oh, I think so, yeah.

Do you think he's healthy enough?

I think he's healthy.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, no, he had a fucking sniffles.

He was down for fucking 12 days.

By sniffles, do you mean the situation infection and the flu?

But I still have.

These guys have gotten rid of it.

Yeah, it developed into bronchitis.

Well, the problem was that, like, two days after I got it, like, I had just gotten over the headache part of the sinus infection, and immediately Mary Beth and Sage got sick.

So I got to fucking take care of these two because whoever's been sick the least amount of time,

you know, or the most amount of time, they're the ones for some reason who have to fucking take over.

So then, you know, I got.

You probably got them sick.

Probably.

But still, I told Mary Beth, I was like, don't come so close to me.

No, no, no.

You know, look at this.

How's she going to resist that?

I mean, the girl's only human.

You know?

Yeah, some miserable shit.

Long, too.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and you had like two weeks in hell, right?

Yeah.

Two weeks.

It sucked.

But yeah, like, so I just, I couldn't catch up, you know, like, because I'm trying to help them out.

And I got to take Sage to the doctor and all this other shit.

Catch up to what?

like like rest enough like i probably needed a couple more days but what the fuck you in it like i gotta

yeah you're fucking that's you gotta do what you gotta do gotta do what i gotta do chris what the right what the

i got coronavirus

we all gotta know yeah

it's all yeah um

all right q well

we'll be set in sale yeah two days two days

today is saturday right Yeah.

Saturday, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be there tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to the Space Monkey shows.

I think they're going to be

great.

I'm going to maybe record these?

Yeah, we record them every year, don't we?

Yeah.

Last year, for some reason, we weren't able to get that second show, but I'm going to bring my own recorder this year.

Second show?

That was that was a good one.

That was a good one.

Yeah, that was a really good one.

But I asked them a couple of times, and they kept sending me the same file.

So I didn't know if

there was

something from the inside that was like...

Come on up high, and I was like, this one should not get out.

Yeah, I don't think so.

It wasn't bad.

It wasn't bad.

It wasn't anything like that in there.

No, it was just really funny.

Yeah.

We may be able to.

With some of the stuff I have, we may be able to.

It's pretty funny.

Gatto told me he's going to be on Wednesday night.

Yeah, all you guys are on Wednesday night.

All you guys are on Wednesday night night night night night.

All the guys are on Wednesday night.

Dude, you've been on so many cruises now, Q, I think you're fucking ready to fucking take on the captain's fucking hat and fucking take control of that fucking ship and steer it.

I mean, how many cruises have you been on now?

Well, this is the fourth Joker's cruise.

We did the Jericho one.

We filmed on a different cruise.

So in like the past five years, I've been on.

Plus, a buddy of mine got married on a cruise.

I've been on like

seven cruises in the past five years.

You've earned those fucking stripes, man.

Yeah.

You should come and deer that fucking ship when you get on there.

Throw the fucking captain in the brig and fucking.

Is that all it takes is being a passenger?

Five times out of here allowed to come and dear the ship.

i guess if you're from like like you have celebrity blood in you oh he's got big difference yeah he's got some juice you know he could get up there and tell the captain that he's that he's fucking now yeah he's like first mate yeah take a powder

captain philip shit going on

has anyone ever gotten thrown in the brig during an ij cruise i i've never heard that but

Weren't there rumors last year that they were raiding people's rooms for drugs?

Didn't you tell me that?

No, that wasn't me that told you.

If I had known that, I would have been a a lot more careful about hiding them, though.

I heard a rumor that they did a raid on somebody's room for drugs last month.

Huh.

Well, I can't imagine it being personally used.

Don't you need a warrant to go into the room, though?

I don't know what the rules are out at sea or in international waters.

I don't know.

Jude deputized himself and raided someone's room.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hey, Walt here, with just a few quick announcements before we end the show.

I want to let you guys know there's a new Prussian Kissing Skull t-shirt up for pre-sale now on the Telm Steve Dave merchtable site.

Yes, that's right.

This never-before-seen design comes from the shirt Q wears throughout the entire Practical Jokers movie.

It's now available to order, but quantities are limited, so please order now.

Operators are standing by now to process your order.

So go to tellmstevedave.merchstable.com and place that order.

And maybe while you're there, you can,

you know, we got the election coming up soon.

So maybe you want to throw in some Baron von Flanagan from president swag in that card as well.

We got t-shirts, bumper stickers, and buttons.

And a lot of people are asking the Baron, who's going to be the Baron's VP?

And, you know, I know the Baron thought a lot about maybe asking the white Baron to be his running mate.

You know, maybe you try to win over some of those Trump voters.

But I think the Baron has decided he's going to run a real honest-to-goodness slash poll on the Patreon to see who will be the Baron's running mate.

So look for that soon.

And speaking of the Patreon,

super excited about a new show that's debuting this week on the Patreon.

It's called Rock and Roll All Night and Podcast Every Day.

And it's got me, Bry, Sunday Jeff, and Tim the Record Store Clerk from Purveyors, Posers, and Playlists.

And the theme of the podcast is we review review in chronological order every Kiss album, song by song, and we attempt to build

an ultimate top 20 Kiss song playlist as well as an ultimate top 10 Kiss album playlist list.

And it is

so fun.

It is.

It just oozes love for Kiss and 70s glam rock.

And it's available on the $5 tier as an audio pod and as a video pod on the $10 tier and up tier.

So and if you're one of those people who don't really have the time or the inclination to watch the videos,

please

watch this video just for the intro alone.

So much work was put into it and I'm just so proud of it.

It is awesome.

So check that out.

And speaking of the Patreon, February is the last month for the Telhome Steve Dave cassette gift cycle.

So if you have been in the 20, 40, 60, or 100 tier for three consecutive months and you haven't gotten your gifts,

drop me an email at kmuse2 at gmail.com.

That's K-M-E-W-E-S-2 at gmail.

And I will look into it personally to see where your gifts are.

And I'm here to answer any and all questions.

All right.

So thanks for listening.

Don't know if there will be an episode next week.

The guys are on the cruise, but you know, maybe.

But if not next week, then definitely the following week.

All right.

All right.

Thanks.

See ya.