#427: Water Tastes Like Water

Do I got diarrhea on me?

Tom Brady

I fucked up.

I'll never do it again, God.

I promise.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve.

Dave, you've joined Walt and I mid-conversation talking about my new awesome tracksuit.

Q is also here.

Yes, that's the new Q.

The new and improved robotic Q.

Yeah, I had a little surgery.

Now I can't talk for two weeks.

Throat surgery.

Well, what kind of activity would damage a throat so severely that you would need to get your throat repaired?

What could have been jammed down there?

He's typing like a madman.

He is.

And then it's like, what did you say?

Tell us when it's coming.

It's still easier to understand than cue it, regularly speaking.

Ian Morris said that I had the same surgery as Elton John.

Oh, why you had to get your stomach pumped too?

He's on the Mount Rushmore of famous blowjobters.

What do we have in common?

He asks.

Say it again.

What do we have in common?

He asks.

What do we have in common?

He asks.

You and Elton John?

Beautiful singing voice.

And awesome sunglasses.

No.

Oh, what?

I don't know if I had to.

Is there a definitive answer?

Is he a colonel?

Show me.

He is implying that it's a team.

I certain penis.

There you go.

So now, Kiwis, how many days out since your surgery.

It should be so simple.

Oh, it's been a week?

Okay.

And you've been given this device, this Stephen Hawking computer voice box that is attached to your throat.

No, it's just not a Gen 2 iPad like you have.

So how long have you been on the iPad having to communicate this way?

That would be the week, right?

A whole week?

All week.

Do you like it?

Like, do you like because then people are probably less likely to ask you shit that they don't really need to talk about?

Oh, yeah.

Right?

It's just on an as-need-to-no basis, right?

No, no fluff.

No.

Hey, dude.

I believe.

I am getting depressed.

Oh,

a couple of those painkillers, bro.

You'll be right back.

You're getting depressed because you feel alone.

I feel all alone.

No fellowship?

None.

Now, Walt,

there is somebody here in the wings that it's hooker.

Where's my thoughts?

Help.

Oh, he's like.

He's like, like we talked about last week, Johnny got his gun.

You're like,

he's trapped in his own mind over here.

Yeah, you're falling into yourself.

That's scary, though.

They didn't give you any kind of

advice or treatment or somebody to contact if you start to feel this way.

You are not to go out in public and annoy people with this.

Are you allowed to laugh?

They're like, no laughing.

Not really.

Don't think any happy thoughts.

Wow.

So, in an effort to save your voice, you have to be completely numb.

for an entire week.

Well, two weeks, right?

No, do you mean emotionally?

Because

I'm in.

I've been doing it most of my life.

By the way, you're equipped.

You're saying you're getting depressed.

You're ready to hang yourself.

His assistant is here.

Have you seen any of this type of

melancholy attitude?

Yeah.

I'm trapped in my own head.

Trapped in my own head.

In a mansion with an iPad.

Oh, poor guy.

It must be terrible.

Yeah, but I'm awful.

I hope you removed all the sharp objects in the house and any towels or anything that he could hurt himself with.

Anything to remind him of his former worth as a human, like any IJ stuff.

So, what happened?

Why did you have to have surgery on your throat?

Are you allowed to talk about that?

Or is that too?

Or anything, really?

I mean, we know it wasn't really because you were performing fellacious.

You were doing an Elton John on someone.

Oh, it's on my local cords overuse

overuse too much he's working those that voice too hard getting old getting old yeah that's for sure everybody is

yeah no one's immune to it Q

is he is he decelerating

Tom well yeah except Tom Brady but I mean that's a given I didn't know I've I love I like hearing that Stephen Hawking say that Tom Brady Tom Brady yeah I can get I can get behind that and there are a bunch of voices you could choose.

So Stephen Hawking also chose.

Like, what the fuck?

Like, why would...

Like, he's doing it as a joke.

Stephen Hawking was like, this is how I want to talk for real.

Like, if I could talk, this is how I would sound.

Because you're going to get more

cred, I think.

Oh, do you sound like a computer?

Because you sound more, you sound smarter, you sound more robotic, so you're going to sound more informative when you're saying all your fucking bullshit about stars and shit.

It's true, because like when I met Mary Beth and she's like, golly, aren't you, you, Sleeve Dave?

Like, if she said it in that robotic voice, I'd have more respect for her intelligence.

How's this?

Any better?

Sexier.

Oh, you know what?

Like, could you,

in a, in desperate times, you're not married, of course.

G1Q on a deserted island.

He's got his iPad, no voice.

His voice still isn't recovered?

It hasn't recovered.

No, he got some salt water in it after the ship capsized, so it's just you guys.

All right.

So now,

of course, you're going to need a hand job eventually.

Could you do it with the voice?

And would you use the last of the battery power with the MS?

We're not going to send an email.

Looking good in that loincloth.

Hey, Wald, looking good in that loincloth.

Oh, I had a loincloth on, huh?

Come on, let's tear up our clothes.

I don't think

the voice alone is enough enough for me to forget that it's Q fucking jerking me off.

I just don't think it would work.

I don't think I have that good of an imagination that I could

just, you know.

Then you're all men.

I've seen the shit you draw, man.

Then you're all men.

Why?

Because you draw some crazy shit, your imagination.

It runs wild.

But if you can't imagine

Q as a lady.

Look into my eyes.

Enjoy it.

You know, if Sunday Jeff had one of them, because he's got those dainty hands, right?

So it might feel a little bit more like a lady's hand than Q's big old burly fucking catcher mitts.

Is there a chance your voice will never come back?

No, it will definitely come back.

Yes.

What if you...

What the hell are these things?

Oh, that's not for me.

Okay.

I sent her over to get some candy and she comes back with this, I don't know, this marshmallow-looking thing.

All right, it's for you.

I wasn't aware of it.

A lot of salty caramel wool.

But let's say you had

permanently damaged your voice so much that it was never going to come back.

Would you have felt it was all worth it?

What?

At all?

Not coming back at all, they said.

You're mute.

Would it have been worth it?

Or

would that have been a price you could live with?

It was not worth it.

It wouldn't have been worth it?

Not speaking for the next 50 years of his life?

Is speaking that important?

Now that you find you can't for this little bit of time, have you now grown to have a better appreciation for communicating

with your voice?

Yes.

All that typing for yes, was that way maybe left over it, wasn't it?

yes i li not titty it's lewd

i'm not kidding it's rude

yes i lie not titty it's lead

that's a tough one i mean that doesn't sound like english it's weird oh it's weird is that what you said weird not to talk weird not to talk weird not to talk right and especially like when you're like was it worth it i mean think of the shit he said on that show no it definitely was not worth it right

what do you mean well i mean i'm talking about all the things that that you're doing, though.

The fame, the fortune, the admiration.

I mean, come on, man.

I would think a voice was worth it.

So, Comic Bookman wasn't enough for you to lose your voice.

Only the money is not enough.

Oh, wow.

That's how much you've grown to

miss your voice.

Sometimes it takes that.

Sometimes it takes to lose something before you realize how fucking meaningful it was, right?

For him, it was his oral virginity.

Yes.

Yes.

I fucked up.

I'll never do it again, God.

I promise.

Give me my voice back.

I'm a joker.

Next time, I'm not going to swallow it, God.

How am I supposed to know it's so acidic?

You must eat a lot of citrus, God.

Oh, it binds.

It binds me.

Have you accidentally spoken?

Yeah.

Oh,

you said it hurts.

Now, have you broken?

Other than the accent,

have you spoken, maybe have less than one word since it's the operation?

How much to pay pay your time to not ever speak again?

Oh, how much would you take to never speak again?

I think there's a number I could put on it.

I'm not going to put it out on a podcast, though.

Where are you going to put it up?

Because I want to be there.

I don't know.

There's definitely a number, though, because I can't stand myself.

I'm not a fucking peasant.

No, I'm not going to tell you right now.

I don't like my voice as it is, so I don't know if I would really miss it.

Again, I go communicating would be the big thing, but if I'd never had to hear this

monstrosity of a voice.

Oh, shit, man.

I would try to start a GoFundMe to match the funds for you not to lose your voice.

Oh,

that's sweet.

Yes.

Now, what about if you were to have maybe

an arousing dream and you started speaking

in your sleep?

What would you do?

I mean, you wouldn't even know.

Like, you could fuck up everything because you're having some sort of erotic episode.

I could probably fit another one in my mouth.

Scary, but sounds pretty good.

I didn't learn the first time.

Did you take any precautions to keep your mouth like maybe like a gag or something when you were sleeping so you wouldn't talk?

He has that many erotic dreams.

Doctor,

here's a problem you may not hear often.

But I'm horny.

That's right.

At this advanced age, I still got nocturnal emissions.

I wake up, the bona.

There it is.

And of course, I got to do something about it.

And if there ain't no hoe next to me, which is rare, Doctor, I tell you.

Very rare.

Yeah.

Wow.

I would hate it.

I would hate it if, I mean, one of, first of all, it's my livelihood.

That's my chief concern is if either of you two lose your voice.

You talking to your families, that's incidental.

It gets frustrating.

I can imagine.

Let's go.

Now, okay, how much would it be?

But

given

the chance,

would your wife say

Walt could lose his voice for a week and I'd be all right with it?

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah?

Fuck yeah.

Do you talk to her too much?

I don't still.

I just think a week without hearing me would not be any big fucking loss.

Around anybody.

Around the house?

Oh, yeah, around the house.

Oh, yeah.

You don't offer up.

It's not all sage-like fucking wisdom that's coming out of these fucking lips.

Sometimes it's just fucking.

No, by sage-like, do you mean my niece-like?

It's on that level.

Here's what you should do to fucking screw a light bulb in.

So, Q, what will be

the first words to come out of that new, almost virgin-like throat now, now that it's been repaired?

What will be the first sentence you speak

in a couple weeks?

Point me to the cock.

Let's fuck this love tunnel up again, Saul.

Well, that's, I don't know, do you feel I I want to let's fuck this love tunnel up again salvatore

Do you think it was just something that would have happened regardless even if you weren't on stage

no no

wasn't hereditary

no I never shut the fuck up

so I don't rest

So polyps for days.

Sore polyps for days.

Polyps.

Yes.

After he's working hard, and it'll be days afterwards.

Polyps, polyps, polyps, polyps.

Yo, yo, oh, somebody put that to a beat, right?

Polyps, polyps, polyps.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Polyps.

All right, Jay Sarge, you got your work cut out for you.

But

by the next Tellum Steve Dave, we might be able to hear your

oh, so familiar.

Oh, that's good to hear.

We'll have to ease into it, maybe.

Like a tidbit.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

So, I mean, to come down and still do Tellum Steve Dave

in your condition,

I mean, there should be a fucking parade down the center of Tellum Steve Dave Town.

TST Town should be rejoicing.

I mean, aren't you one of the co-mayors?

You can make it happen.

Why are you saying there should be?

Why isn't there?

There should be a float of you, you know, with your polyps coming out of your throat.

Or like a doctor slaying a giant polyp.

There should be.

Some people will be annoyed at this.

Oh, if they are, man, then tell them they can just go fuck off then.

Yeah, with that iPod.

Fuck off.

There you go.

I think at Tumpse Dave Town, like, nobody pays attention to any other diseases.

Like all the medical research is just directed towards polyps and the eradication of them.

Now, how about eating?

Is that a problem with the throat?

No.

Were you told to eat a lot of ice cream or stay away from certain things?

Spicy food?

Ice cream.

Stay away from cold at first.

Cold?

What about Mexican food?

Very spicy.

Yum.

All right.

So there was no, like,

no doctor's advice to, like, you know, to stay, keep things out of the throat that shouldn't be in there?

Just don't talk.

Okay.

Stop telling everyone it's polyps and be honest.

HIV is no joke.

Is there anything you're concerned with, Walt?

Like, Q's had two, like, both of us, some major health stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I know mine's coming.

That means, you know, only so long before, you know, sooner or later, something's going to come my way.

I just hope it's

something that I can rebound from as quickly as you guys have from your maladies.

Well, he's back in two weeks.

It took me like eight years,

if you recall.

Well, I mean, you were still here, though.

I mean,

regardless of what was going on when the mics were off.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's true.

Look at me.

I'm

a hero, too.

Yeah, you are.

No, not worthy of a parade, mind you, but still, you know, a good, like, you know, maybe we'll lower a flag.

Like half-mast.

So I did die then.

I feel kind of bad talking about this sponsor because I know how much Hugh loves it and his speech is limited.

You know what's not limited, though, once he has this, is his fucking bonerage.

Well, hold on.

Let's find out.

You know, with your

recent surgery on your throat, did the doctor like say, hey, you know what?

Complete

shutdown of your voice and all

extracurricular activities.

This dick doesn't get dry.

Really?

The doctor didn't say, you know, you had to make sure you're preserving every ounce of energy to make that throat feel better.

Rest, right?

That's yeah, bed rest.

Can't stop, won't stop.

Wow.

I would like to see the doctor's face.

My teeth are stained blue.

There's, well, you're not even going to have to say anything, I don't think.

You could act like you over here because we got a testimonial from an aunt.

Oh, yeah.

I think I got this email too.

Did you?

Yeah.

He was very

complimentary of the Blue Chew

drug.

He was.

He has a wife of 13 years, partner of 17.

He says she wanted a divorce.

It's got to be tough.

He was crushed.

And then he started dating a couple months later.

But the problem was he had trouble when it was time to get down.

Must be a fucking handsome guy.

I thought you were going to say it saved the marriage.

That would have been a much fucking sweeter story.

That's a happy fucking ending.

Blue Chew keeps it real.

This is a happy ending, too.

They weren't right for each other.

What are you going to do?

You're married 13 years.

You're going to stay together the next 40 just because...

Maybe if he had tried the blue chew, maybe just a couple of months earlier, you know, maybe, you know, that.

He only has a self-to-blame is what you're saying.

She ran off to get a better and different dick.

Okay.

You're right.

You're right.

You had trouble.

He knew it wasn't the erectile dysfunction because he was only 37.

Plus, he could be ready any other time a lady wasn't around.

Hmm, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, I guess emotionally he was still thinking about his wife.

Jerking off.

Jerking off.

Okay.

He said he could seal the deal on maybe the second or third time trying.

You can imagine his frustration.

Hey, I don't have to imagine it.

Been there, brother.

So he used Blue Chew,

and then he got

the first shipment a week later for free.

He just paid shipping.

He was wary and skeptical, but he said, holy shit, it works.

No problems.

Boners out the ass.

Not in them.

Well, I mean, who's to say?

I mean, wherever you're going to put put it, it's fine as long as the other person says, Doesn't matter.

As long as the other person says it's okay, right?

Yeah, as long as they're aware of it, you know,

you don't sneak up on them.

I think I'm on the Blue Chew wagon now.

I mean, not to take it.

I mean, but I'll like you're all fucking flatty.

Yeah, I mean, that goes without saying.

Why do I fucking need Blue Chew?

I got fucking Super Bowl rings.

That's what you wear into bed.

All right, honey.

Let's see.

Blue Chew.

First chewba with the same FDA approved active active ingredients such as vigrance, yallis, so you know they work.

Come on, who wants to show up in bed?

You know,

it's like showing up in bed and there's no sheets or no pillows.

You show up without a boner, people notice, right?

Well, I thought that was, you know, up to your partner to make to be your

blue children.

Vents are for boners.

Yeah.

Vents are for boners.

Oh, your partner's fault.

Oh, so it's your partner's fault if you kiss.

So wait a second.

Was it his fault or was it her fault?

No, no, I'm just saying, though, like, she wasn't kittenish enough for him at all.

Not her fault.

but you know nobody's at fault thank god because now we got blue chew to come in and rescue today blue chew is like the parent who's like mediating the argument right hey whether you're too gross to

or you're just too old and incompetent and flaccid to

doesn't matter blue chew he's here to the rescue i never even considered that

wow yeah it's like a blue chew is basically beer goggles then right

um for whom

I guess forever's taking it, right?

I mean, I mean, if you're going to take it, you might as well fucking

what's the point of not

putting the Blue Chew to use if you're.

Oh, so you're saying, okay, so you're saying if she's hot, then Blue Chew, you can save it.

Yeah, just say it.

If you've got a fuck a beast, Blue Chew is there for you.

Right.

Should be the new tagline.

If you got to fuck a beast, Blue Chew is there for you.

Or alternately, go and Hagen, take a blue chew.

Blue chew, choo chew, blue chew, choo chew.

Blue chew.

Yeah, want to run a train on a pig?

Just pop a little blue chew.

Get some for your boys.

They're made in the USA.

Sorry, Victor and Alex.

No Mexican Blue Chew here.

And it's not even you guys, it's the Chinese.

They're sneaky getting that shit into this country.

Visit bluechew.com, get your first shipment to the machine.

Airbageriva.

Airbugariba.

Airbugariba.

Can I just look at the blue chew?

Oh,

Riba, Riba.

That must be some kind of PC program.

Airbugeribo.

Yeah,

are there any Spanish accents?

Can I hear a little Mexican?

Oh, Mexican voice?

I wouldn't mind that.

Okay.

Anyway, so when you go to Blue Chew.com, get your first shipment free, use the special promo code T-E-S-D, just pay $5 shipping.

That's B-L-D.

Yeah, nice.

Still not exactly Spanish, right?

It doesn't have that sort of

$5 shipping.

That's pretty good, right?

That's not bad.

Mexico Areva.

That's more

Spanish from Spain.

Spain?

Yeah.

You need that.

I mean, there's a lot of of lisping in regular.

This is amazing technology, though.

I mean, like, 10 years ago, we couldn't do shit like this.

Like, Q would have been out of commission.

He would have been fucking, you know, just prying in his bed while we were doing Tell him Steve Day, but now.

Blue Chew is there for you.

There you go.

Blue Chew.

That's on us.

Bluechew.com, promo code T-E-S-D to try it free.

It's the better, cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them.

Wait, do you want to thank them on your thing?

Thank you, Blue Chew, for sponsoring the podcast.

Thank you for the toners, Blue Chew.

There you go.

Hughes' situation is very interesting, but I think he'd agree not nearly as interesting as your bedazzled right hand.

I see a Jersey devil ring.

It looks like the Raiders possibly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, the Patriots.

Patriot rings and a Devil's Championship ring.

My mindset from now on

is every podcast I do, I'm going to treat like a fucking Super Bowl.

And you should see these Super Bowl rings on his hand.

It looks like

pinky rings for

the fingers to pull off these championship rings.

No, I'm not sure those.

Well, two of them were gifts from our cameraman, Alex.

He knows I'm a big Patriots fan, and he

acquired these Super Bowl rings.

I don't know where he got them.

But they're pretty good.

These are real Super Bowl rings that you've procured for Walt?

Or are they

reproductions, Alex?

Oh, okay.

Oh, they're not real?

They're beautiful.

I adore them, and I can't thank him enough.

But like I said.

How much were those?

How much were those?

How much were those?

A lot.

Yeah.

So that's it.

Every podcast is like a Super Bowl.

Every podcast I'm going to treat like a Super Bowl.

I want to fucking be all in and just

try to win a podcasting championship every time out.

I feel like you do.

Not every time.

Not every time.

Huh?

Even without the rings.

Well, now I got the hardware, though.

Yeah.

Why don't we have Alex?

Why don't we have our own rings?

Like a Tom Steve Dave championship ring that we give to ourselves because we want it for goodness.

Just got to make it.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

We'll do it for the upper Patreon tier.

Run off a couple extras for us.

There you go.

All right.

Now we got it all figured out.

Well,

this is

a big problem.

Don't ignore Q just because he can't speak.

I feel like,

you know, like he's not involved and, you know, he's feeling

what I meant to say was, Q.

All right.

Alone.

Speaking of health issues

and not overcoming them, a certain bagel shrimp.

stroked out recently, a couple days ago.

And he's in a coma.

He He was in a coma.

I don't know.

It seems the world is not as excited to find out what's going on with him while he's in his coma as they were when he's like throwing bagels around and yelling at ladies.

But if you were to

I'll show you a pretty funny picture of him in a second.

He's got all sorts of shit hooked up to him in the hospital.

Who releases that picture, though?

Well, the people putting out the GoFundMe because they want to help bagel shrimp with his.

It says Chris Morgan has suffered a stroke.

Any monetary assistance provided will be put towards helping Chris in his recovery.

He currently has no feeling on one side and won't open his eyes.

Won't or can't?

Won't's a totally different story.

It's like, well, fuck you then.

You know, I'm going to give you money so you'll open your eyes.

He acknowledged verbal correspondence upon my arrival.

So I guess he's like, hey, what's up?

You know, with the half-droopy thing.

So if you want to to give money

to bagel shrimp, you can on his GoFundMe.

He's looking for 10 grand in five days.

How much do you think someone of

a bagel shrimp

is 10 grand to me in this day and age with social media and how famous he was just in the summertime?

I don't think that'd be unattainable, but you're the way you're phrasing it, it sounds like he may be far below the 10 grand.

No, he's not as beloved as.

I'm going to say he only has $1,500.

Pretty close.

$1,215 out of $10,000.

Let me put it into perspective.

When Princess Mitch got sick,

Gemma organized this GoFundMe

without my knowledge or

what do you call it?

Not approval, whatever.

She did it on her own.

Very sweet gesture.

$3,000 in less time than this.

Francis Mitch never did anything.

TSD Towns is a beautiful place.

You know, it's not like the rest of the world.

The world just fucking turned their back on Bagel Shrimp when he needed us the most.

Yeah, like, didn't he give us enough during his life?

Didn't he give us enough for that one day when everybody was talking about him and everybody was so amused?

How angry and short he is.

Yeah, and everybody, but now it's like, okay, now he needs you people, and you people don't have the time for him.

Are they just termites then?

And he was the free cheese?

Is it awful to say that if you found out that Bagel Shrimp died, you'd be like, I have no feelings one way or the other?

It's just what I'm doing.

I don't know.

Do you think it's awful, Q,

if you found out

he was dead, would you feel sadness or nothing or

shock?

Why should you care?

yeah i know but it felt like he was like i said he was on his way to something

yeah probably a court or possibly gel like a reality

dies what was that everybody dies everybody dies oh that's a he is very yeah he's

so dark today

but he was on his way to a reality show i thought i thought for sure he was going to turn that into a reality show and it was going to be like the big like the new,

what's that show you?

Probable Jokers?

No.

No show at all.

On the TV this fall.

Bagel shrimp.

With Mama June and...

Oh, a honey boo-boo.

I thought he was going to turn his life into the new honey boo-boo show because people like that kind of,

you know,

the sideshow.

They do, but he...

He's not likable.

Like, Honey Boo-Boo is likable.

The Mama June was gross and not likable but the honey boo-boo was and some of the other children were and and you would watch it from the train wreck perspective to be like oh these poor children now you watch a bagel shrimp reality show what the fuck is there to like about it it's just going to be people i would love to be on that show just being in the room to be like here's some ideas to fucking do with an 18 oh you're asking if they were wanted to hire us as writers would i say yes i'm like you can have my voice for life if i can write this show

i believe we i believe bagel shrimp the show could have been a fucking could have been a winner you know with the right people involved though if he doesn't stroke out

what would it be about

it would be about him finding his way in a world that that has

abandoned him you know a world that just doesn't want to know his existence and he's going to rise above it and he's going to be he's going to be every man's champion he's an American white male

I know he does have that going against him, but

he will get shit upon plenty of times, though, before the season finale, though.

Because people do want to see him get shit upon.

We'd have to tell up front bagel shrimp.

Here's the news.

You're not going to like your internet.

But it's just reality.

But by the season finale, though, he will have found some sort of win to, you know, to give everybody hope that, you know, even if you were

a bagel shrimp in your own life, you're feeling the feeling of bagel shrimped.

You can win.

What are you fucking doing?

Lottery scratch off?

I can't jeez.

You already won the lottery.

Fuck.

Are you kidding me?

You're fucking engaged to Brian Johnson.

The prize is right here.

She's like one of those wacko lottery winners.

It's like, I won a billion dollars.

Let me buy more tickets.

Maybe I'll win again.

So, if anybody couldn't hear, somebody was, what was she doing?

Lottery scratches.

She's like,

watermelon.

Hey, that's greedy.

That's musty.

That's greedy.

You already won the fucking lottery.

The hero who has it all needs more.

Talk about an American.

Good God.

Imagine at home.

Floors littered with lottery tickets everywhere.

Scratchers.

As far as I can see.

Is that true?

No.

I'm not one to play the lottery.

How about you, Q?

You played a lottery?

I mean, again.

No.

Before you were...

Did you play it?

Not really.

Yeah, I've always felt it was a sucker's

bet.

It's a self-imposed tax.

It's a self-imposed tax.

And I get angry at people who, like, if you go to a convenience store and there's not like two people, like one for the lottery, one for the register, now you have some asshole in front of you that's like, give me fucking this number, straighten box, and blah, blah, blah, and all this other shit.

And I'm like, look, asshole, statistically, I have the same chance of winning the lottery as the jerk off in front of me who's wasting my time buying a ticket, which is to say, not at all.

So get the fuck out of the way.

Stop wasting my time and your money and fucking let me buy whatever I need to buy.

You're not going to win.

You're just not.

Now fuck off.

But somebody does win.

We don't know that person.

Have you ever met a lottery winner?

Because I haven't.

I knew the lottery winner when we were growing up.

Somebody won a lottery.

Yeah, how much?

They won like the $1,000 for life.

Oh, $1,000 a week.

Michelle Terragano?

I knew the fucking name.

I wasn't going to.

Why would you fucking say it aloud?

The girl who used to go out with Scott Zabe.

I intentionally kept it vague.

So you wouldn't.

All right.

The guy on the IJ crew's parents won 10 meters million.

10 million?

So, you know, well, people do win it.

But yeah, I just never felt I was going to win it, so I never would waste the money.

Just felt like I was burning it.

Yeah, you are.

I don't know.

i mean i there you but everything's a gamble though right q life is a gamble yes

wise words from bq

q we didn't benefit from this sponsor unless uh you have a reason for um those like scrubs that doctors use like doctors and nurses and veterinarians all that oh i got these this is figs this is figs

this is a good one i i actually ordered the figs i'm wearing the uh the figs now you wear them around yeah Yeah.

Like you're a doctor?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, they're really comfortable.

Yeah.

I'm actually, this is a good brand.

This is a good.

You know, that was supposed to be for your daughter, who's in the medical field.

I told her, I was like, hey,

go order some scrubs.

You can't free figs.

I did.

You didn't.

There was only one free fig to go around.

Turns out it's fucking Dr.

Zaya's here.

I never got Blue Chew either.

You got to do your thing.

You didn't You didn't do your thing.

Do you think they would accept this?

If we went online and he did his Blue Chew thing, would they accept this as a screen?

If I was them, I would not.

No.

This doesn't seem legit.

Don't know how you really do it.

They're already skirting the fucking fringes of legality already.

It's a little gray.

Keep it out of sight and then just mouth the words like you're really saying it.

Hello.

I have boner issues.

There you go.

But going back to Figso and scrubs, I told my daughter, I was like, you know, you can go order two two pairs of scrubs.

And I said, did you order them?

She goes, no.

So I was like, all right, I'm going to go use the code then.

And I ordered my own pair.

Can't stop wearing them.

Really?

Yeah, they're really comfortable.

And you're stylish.

Well, they're just like.

Stylish?

Yeah, they're just like, yeah, they're trendy.

Yeah.

With medical professionals.

Hey, can Q get some free fig scrubs?

You got to wear some scrubs.

The guy's ready to fucking off himself.

He hasn't spoken in a week.

You're going to try.

I saw alone.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on.

I didn't realize that I was getting the why am I.

Why did I get the only

daughter in the medical field?

Oh, she's a good person.

Yeah.

She's going to be.

She's a nurse, right?

Yeah.

Well, she wants to be.

She's not a nurse yet, though.

I look more like a nurse than she does when I'm walking around the house in my scrubs.

If she's not walking around in scrubs, yeah, I think that's probably true.

I feel like I am more knowledgeable on medical issues when I'm wearing my scrubs.

Well, is Giddam right next to you with his scrubs on?

We're like real doctors almost.

Like, there's no difference.

You hang something on the wall.

You know what?

He told me about my planter's heel.

He goes, have you ever thought about changing your sneakers?

And I was like, well, I just got these sneakers.

He goes, have you seen my feet?

No, I need to keep them on for life.

And he said, well, why don't you just, I go, I just got these sneakers.

I don't want to buy a new pair of sneakers.

And he goes, well, isn't it worth it if it takes the pain away just to see if it was the sneakers?

I was like, damn, that is fucking pretty smart.

It is kind of worth it to take all that pain away just to go get a new pair of sneakers.

A man of your means, yeah, I'd say so.

I got a new pair of sneakers.

The pain went away.

It wasn't fucking planar's heel.

So he misdiagnosed you and then diagnosed that, he gave you a prescription for sneakers.

And then you put on your scrubs and you're like, I could have written this myself.

I don't need him.

I was 10 times the doctor he'll ever be.

Well, but I was thankful, though, for the, you know, because he thought about it.

It wasn't like he just said it, like, like, he said it on prompted.

He just came over to me one day and he goes, is that heel still bothering you?

Because I noticed you're walking with a limp.

I was like, yeah, it fucked.

It still hurts.

What do you think?

And he goes, Do you ever thought about new sneakers?

And I was just like,

damn, I can't believe it.

No, I haven't.

Yeah, it bears mentioning that his quote-unquote doctor, it took him 10 minutes to walk 20 feet because he has a gout leg and a fucked up foot and all kinds of other shit.

The two of you limp around the store.

Yeah, yeah, we'd limp around this.

Not anymore.

I got myself a new pair of sneakers, and I'm all good now.

Two limp legs and one limp wrist.

So anyway, they create the highest quality medical apparel so that medical professionals look their best, feel their best, and perform at their best every day.

Could you wear them here, you think?

Be like a doctor of comicology?

I've definitely.

Do these look like scrubs?

Are they the same thing I'm thinking of?

They look like scrubs.

I got two pair of black pants scrubs.

I didn't get the shirt, though.

No, you didn't get the shirt?

No.

They're infused with antimicrobial properties to control odors.

They're really soft.

Moisture wicking.

Oh, I need my moisture wicked.

Got me in that code.

The back of my knees were always fucking really sweaty.

That's my problem area.

Back of your knees?

The back of my knees, not in the figs.

That's embarrassing.

Yeah.

Hey, I see why you like them.

They're made with yoga waistbands and come in a variety of styles from classic straight legs to joggers to skinny styles.

I got the skinny style.

You got the skinny style?

Oh, you must look good.

Looks like

two black liquors.

Fucking jack skeleton.

Prancing around a house with my fucking stethoscope.

Like that doctor in the wheelchair should be wearing your scrubs.

Oh, Figs gives back, too.

All right.

Every time you shop at Figs, probably not when you get it for free, but when you shop at them, they give scrubs to healthcare professionals in need around the world

through their Threads for Threads initiative.

And to date, Figs has donated hundreds of thousands of sets in over 35 countries.

So, speaking of giving, they make great gifts for the lifesavers in your life.

Unless you're in nursing school and you're like, this shit doesn't appeal to me for some reason.

What's she looking for?

That Figs doesn't.

I don't even think she went and looked because I don't think she believed me.

And I was like, You can go get these for free.

And then I was like, and then she's like, Well, what do I got to do?

And I was like, And then you got to get this code.

I said, Put this code in.

I think it was just too many steps.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

Kids.

Kids today.

Yeah.

They're suspicious.

They always think there's strings attached.

How has she responded to wearing them?

The figs?

Have they been a big hit at home?

Well, first she couldn't believe it because they actually came.

Because I told you you could have had these, but now they're mine.

What?

She sees the amount.

She ships it.

She ships all the stuff out.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of things every month.

And it still doesn't occur to her that somebody somewhere may be like he's worth a free pair of scrub pants

wow

and they're super comfortable too

you don't have to be a surgeon or a doctor to fucking wear these pants clearly

you could just wear them around the house watching tv they're great lounging pants i'm not kidding around these are these are super they're more comfortable than any pajamas i've ever worn so like blue chew even if you don't have the ed is just a a little extra or something.

You can still use it.

And just like these, it's like even if you haven't gone to the trouble of eight years, 10 years of school, you can still be as comfortable as a doctor

in your living room.

And I know they're definitely different kind of pants.

I've never felt such deep pockets in pants I've ever worn before.

That's all these ads we're doing.

No, I don't mean, I mean literally deep pockets.

We're sellouts.

Like Ada.

No, I mean, it's like, it's for putting doctor shit in your pockets.

I bet you you got to get a lot of stuff.

Oh, like stethoscopes.

Yeah, I bet you they got to put a lot of shit in their pockets.

I can fit so much stuff in these pockets that I'm like, I bet you.

You got to do something to get them.

Remember all that shit he had in his pockets?

Yeah, but again, I'm not kidding around.

No, like, even if you're not into, like, you don't have to wear scrubs for your profession, you can wear them to lounge around the house.

I don't know if it's, I don't know if that's

cost-effective, but damn, they're really comfortable, though.

If you get it for free, definitely get them.

Yeah.

Otherwise,

here's the call to action.

If you're not one of those people who over the course of 10 years has earned themselves a free pair of scrub pants and you need to pay for them, where do you go?

Wearfigs, f-i-g-s.com.

Enter the code T-E-S-D-A-checkout.

If you're,

wait,

whether you're one of those awesome humans that works in the healthcare or one of the other types, I guess, that wants to say thanks to these deserving folks, Figs is there to make that easy, providing you with 15% off wall

your first purchase by

crotchety.

Ca cheeing.

Kaching.

Kaching.

Ka cheeing.

It's gonna be a good game.

Yeah.

Yeah, Kaching, Kyo.

Ka Chiing.

That's Ming's middle name.

Ming Kaching Chen.

Kachi Ing.

So head to

wherefigs.com.

Enter the code TESD.

You're going to get the 15% off.

You're going to get

we're going to hear some ka-ching.

It works out for everyone.

Figs wins.

We win.

You win.

Why the fuck would you not go buy this shit?

I miss Burrow.

All right.

Good?

That doesn't sound like you were happy with that.

That was pretty good.

Just say what was it that you didn't like about it.

She doesn't like anything, though.

No, it's a call to action.

You have to be really clear.

Where Figs, W-E-A-R-F-I-R.

I did.

I spelled it out.

You didn't spell, you spelled out figs.

You didn't spell out where.

W-E-A-R-F-I-G-S.

In case you're illiterate, that's where.

Not as in, like, hey, do you want to buy our wheres?

But since you fucking wear the scrubs, it's W-E-A-R.

And figs.

Not the uncommon spelling like, say, the pinball twins would have with a Z, but F-I-G-S, as in the more traditional fig spelling.

Get clearer, bitch.

W-E-A.

Can you type this out as well?

Capital W

E

E A

A R R F

F I

Capital I G

G S

S D

Period.

Oh, it was a period?

Period she says

Dodd

Calm

Come.

Come.

Nice.

Ha ha ha.

You see that promo code box?

T

T E E S S D D you put that in a checkout after going to W

wearfigs.com.

If you went,

you have a choice of these two things, Walt.

You go to Hollywood with

the wife and the girls going on a vacation.

You've hit up all like what, like Universal and Disney and Knottsbury and all those fucking places, and they want to go see the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

And while you're there, okay,

on this side of the street is this example, on this side of the street is this example.

On this side of the street, some burly dude doesn't like the cutty or jib and kicks your ass in front of your wife and kids, leaves you on the ground.

On this side of the street, a homeless psycho dumps a bucket of hot diarrhea all over your head and body that he's been saving for weeks.

Which do you prefer?

Or which do you prefer?

That's a no-win proposition right there.

Diarrhea is not fun.

There's not much fun.

You'll take the ass kicking.

Yeah.

You get your ass kicked.

Yeah, but how do you come back from that in front of the family?

They saw you fucking

fold up like a pretzel.

Yeah, man, you struck your fucking gentleman, Jim Corbett pose.

You're like,

took it out.

Fuck you.

But then again,

the parasites in your eyes and mouth and shit.

It's hard to also

forget

that they saw me doused in diarrhea, though.

Right.

And they're like, Help me.

Yeah, it might be hard to get to forget that image that I'm like, do I got diarrhea on me?

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot.

The smell.

Just way more than usual.

The smell.

The smell.

The smell.

Yeah.

To a super smeller, you know what that's going to do?

You may as well get punched out.

You know what, Q, speaking of senses, though, if I could turn off these nostrils, I would do it.

Yeah, it's a curse, man.

I can't take it.

No, no, I'm talking about like if I had to use like the voice or one of my other senses, I would definitely take the smell.

You'd rather lose your smell, but I don't know.

I can't take it, man.

I'm smelling everything I smell just is just overpowers me.

Oh, hey, okay, so you lose your sense of smell.

That means you lose your sense of taste.

Now, do you eat more stuff?

Yeah, I could probably eat whatever was healthy now.

What would you do if you didn't have super smell?

How would life change?

I would eat healthier.

Yeah, have some lettuce.

Lettuce smells?

No, it tastes like shit.

We know.

Don't even bother.

Don't even type it out.

It has no taste whatsoever.

It's like an edible wet paper towel, kind of.

That's sort of like...

Tastes like water.

It tastes like water.

Yeah.

What does water taste like?

Tastes like water.

Like nothing, yeah.

Well, you can fucking push the button a thousand times over.

You're not really giving me an answer, though.

Water tastes like water.

Yeah, like Like nothing.

Is that a fucking Chinese riddle over there?

Like a proverb?

Water tastes like lettuce.

Water tastes like lettuce.

But I guess I'd have to go with the ass kicking two of Q.

But I mean, it depends on how bad it was.

So what if, like, did it break my fracture my skin?

Scottie, like, fractured the orbit of your eye so it's like bulging out.

Like, you know, how much, how, what are the long-term repercussions of such an ass beating?

All right, you got knocked out

and you have a shiner

and a wiggly tooth.

He didn't really knock it out, but it's a little wiggly.

That's fucking, yeah, that's not much.

Yeah.

I would be just like, you know what?

He caught me unaware.

No, he didn't.

I would be like, man, that was a sucker punch.

You were talking tons of shit right there, remember?

You were like, I'm going to do it like we used to do it in Miller Park.

Well,

you got to give me an out, though, if I'm going to go with that.

I can't just go like it's all.

I mean, you have to go with something they didn't see because you didn't get sucker punched.

Well, yes, I did.

He was a younger guy.

Let's say he was like half your age.

They stole my rings.

They stole my rings.

You think you won the Super Bowl the other day?

This

jeweled motherfucker.

They were going after because

they thought I had won on Super Bowl and its daily cup.

Like, he doesn't look that in shape, but.

Is that Deion Sanders?

What do I know?

Is that Deion Sanders a white face?

Because he's the only guy that's ever won a Super Bowl and, I think, a World Series.

So he's the only guy that's ever won two championships.

The only athlete of all time?

I think so.

Wow.

I think he's, well, he's definitely the most high-profile, but

I almost think he's the only athlete that's ever won two major championships in different, you know, different sports.

Right.

So that's how people would know that you hadn't won them?

Like, wait a second, only Deion Sanders.

Well, am I wearing the rings everywhere I go?

No, I thought I was just wearing them when I podcasted.

That's what I thought too.

Yeah, I heard about the story about the diarrhea.

If that's not enough to change the way that a city

goes about dealing with

the problems that are in city,

it won't.

It won't.

The fucking guy, they sent the guy to jail.

If it was the fucking mayor, it would.

If the mayor had fucking swallowed a fucking bucket of diarrhea, I bet you he'd fucking make a few provisions at the fucking council, the next council meeting.

He's like, homeless people are to be shot on sleep.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Right?

I mean, it's like if these council people who were not protected by their bodyguards, so the bodyguards would get the diarrhea on them, they might fucking say, hey, you know what?

Some shit's got to change.

But they're like, yeah, we've never even come.

So wait a second.

But the homeless guy is like,

I was telling Mary Beth, I'm like, I have the worst fucking luck.

I have the worst luck.

And then you see shit like this, and it's like, statistically, what are the chances of coming from another country,

going to the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Oh, it was somebody, it was a visitor to, or I think it was a, yeah, I think it was a UK person.

You think that, uh, you think that sours the trip?

Little,

well,

I heard a story with her, and she's like, basically, I have PTSD.

Oh, it's so horrible.

I can't even, I mean,

it's beyond words.

Now,

he's a homeless, crazy guy.

You probably can tell that just by looking at him.

If he dumps it on not you, but one of your girls or your wife.

Oh, I would jump in.

I would jump in.

Oh, yeah, he like dives, like all slow motion.

And they better fucking appreciate it.

Really, then

they better not be like, oh, she'd lose his voice for a week.

Now, you know, I mean, you and your new, your new, newlywed, your, your

fiancé.

Been a while, hasn't it?

Are you going to call him again?

You're walking down the street, you see that bucket coming.

Do you push her out of the way and take that fucking brown splash?

Do I take it for her?

Yeah,

man.

I wouldn't want to.

I don't think anybody would want to.

I'd be like, god damn it.

Unprovoked, yeah, she says it gave her PTSD.

She was about to drive home from a Thai restaurant near the famed tourist area when Jare Blessings.

Wow, there's an ironic.

What did they do to that guy?

Should he go to jail queue?

It was diarrhea, hot liquid.

It soaked, and it was coming off my eyelashes and into my eyes.

Now, where did they come up with the word too?

You ever wonder who fucking diarrhea?

Yeah.

Is it a doctor?

Probably Latin.

It's

such a word that makes you just don't want to hear the word, even.

And you know, you're like, Yeah, it's one of those things where if someone's like, hey, how are you feeling?

Like, not that great.

I have diarrhea.

You would never say that.

You're just like, why'd you tell me that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's no need to fucking give me that information.

But you asked

me the homeless guy was reached out to and given a sympathetic ear.

He has problems we don't know.

Jesus Christ.

He needs to start talking.

He's becoming too like introspective and like he's going to start feeling shit.

I don't need that.

I don't need a cue that feels things.

Did they take the balls off too at the polyps?

Yeah, he's a pre-op transgender now.

Greek, well.

It's Greek, the word.

Yep.

Dia, meaning through.

What does it say?

Ren

means to flow.

So diarrhea.

Hey, what were you doing last night?

That was diarrhea.

Flow, through diartoflow renew.

So through to flow.

So it's like liquid shit, basically, is what the Greeks were saying.

Save some up in a bucket.

Weren't the Greeks the first ones to come up with sewers?

Then butt fucking.

That's true.

No, that's not true.

Butt fucking?

I mean, probably not, but they were into it, right?

Yeah.

But I bet you even before Romans, there were some people who were like,

you know, just not smart enough to know where to put it.

Then why do they call it?

Yeah.

You know, they just weren't intelligent.

I don't mean in a bad way.

I just mean they, like, they were just primitives.

Then why do they call it like going Greek?

Well, because it's

a stereotype.

Oh, an ugly stereotype?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, you don't, what, you think they invented that?

Well, okay, I'm going to read to you.

Wait a second.

You can.

But you know that

you know there had to be

like pro-magnums that were like.

Oh, sure.

Oh, they even have an illustration of it.

It's pretty hot if you want to see it, Walt.

No,

it's generally the insertion and thrusting of the erect penis into a person's anus or anus and rectum.

I'm so stupid that I honestly thought anus and rectum were interchangeable.

I didn't know they were two separate parts.

Other forms include finger.

on the hay wire.

It needs a recharge.

Warning.

Warning.

Short circuiting.

What was that fucking short circuit?

What was that robot's name?

Oh, number five?

Yeah.

Number five is alive.

Johnny Five Allied.

Yeah.

Do you like this movie, Scar?

Yeah.

Surprised they haven't remade that movie.

Oh, there you go.

Ancient Sumerians had very relaxed attitudes towards sex and badass.

Yeah.

You know, who's this fucking the most badass Sumerian of all?

The Rock?

Cute.

Or no, he's Samoan.

Gozer.

Are they not interchangeable like a misinretum?

Conan the Barbarian was a Sumerian.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

The earliest known civilization in the historical region of southern Mesopotamia, modern-day southern Iraq.

So, wait a second.

Isn't it Sumerian?

Sumerian, yeah.

Yeah.

Is it C-I-M-E-R?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

No, this is S-U-M.

Oh, okay, all right.

This is.

I should say, whoa, fucking man.

I was about to fucking go unconscious if you're going to tell me Conan was into dudes.

No way.

Conan?

Conan the barbarian?

Fucking slaying pussy right and left.

He cut every dude's throat.

That's not a guy you want to fuck if you're cutting his throat first.

This is, okay.

If you want to read about anal sex in Sumeria, you're going to have to go to Wikipedia because it's too long.

Yeah.

Oh, here's two fucking cave paintings of two guys fucking fanning each other and getting ready to butt fucking.

I told you, man, cave paintings.

Yeah, you're right.

Fred and Barney.

Here's a Cro-Magnon drawing a picture of himself sucking dicks.

Oh, all right.

Rim job.

E.

coli.

Can we talk about your...

You want, you were very

proud of your outfit today.

How come you haven't moved up yet?

Looks dope.

Thank you.

Looks dope.

I was in a Macy's recently and I saw a Puff Daddy track suit, Valour.

I haven't seen really Valour tracksuits in some time.

It looks freshy fresh.

Right?

Like an 80s wrapper or a modern day mobster.

It's a set

with a jacket and it's real soft.

Did you feel it yet?

Feel it.

That's going to change your mind.

Oh, yeah, that's...

Right?

Yeah, that is soft.

Would you wear this?

I just thought it was interesting because when's the last time you saw me wear something like this?

Yeah, I didn't think that out of the ordinary, though.

I don't know why.

I just didn't.

I'm happy to report I got a puff daddy one, and Q got an identical puff daddy one.

Makes sense.

He's from New Jersey.

Yeah.

Slam.

See that shit all the time.

New Jersey?

Not in Staten Island, no.

Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Staten Island, yeah.

There too.

So,

yeah, I thought it would be more impressive.

Probably we should have worn them both at the same time.

Then he would have noticed.

Then he would have cared.

If you're both wearing the same exact outfits?

Yeah, I probably would have.

Then he might have noticed.

Yeah, definitely.

That wouldn't escape my attention.

I don't know.

Oh, hey, do you want to hear me being an asshole?

Yeah.

Or at least I'll leave it up to you.

Like, re-listening, I'm like, I kind of sound like an asshole, but with good reason.

So

DoorDash, this, do you use DoorDash?

Yeah.

I don't really use it, but my kids do.

The girls do.

So we use that sometimes and we ordered from Sonic.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Yep.

I know where this is going.

Oh, my God.

Sonic is literally a minute from his house.

Yeah.

Delightful.

Cold outside.

It's cold out.

It's not cold out yet.

This isn't cold.

Well, you like the cold, man.

Wow.

But anyway, it's more than a minute.

Well, somebody will bring it to you, surely.

If somebody's going to bring it to you, why would I leave?

That's their job.

Fucking Wally his job.

If I go out and get it, then that DoorDasher doesn't have a means of income.

I'm keeping the fucking economy going, baby.

I'm good America.

I'm so lonely.

So we order something, me, Mary, Beth, and Sage.

And the guy who brings it brings two shakes, one of them incorrect, no food.

And I was like, what is going on here?

And he's like doofy, like a doofy guy.

And he's like, oh, he's like, oh, this is what they gave me.

There's probably a second delivery coming.

You've gotten DoorDash.

There is no second delivery.

They don't fucking bring it to you in installments.

So

we have to then go on and

by we, I mean Mary Beth has to deal with DoorDash and get the money back and whatever.

And then we just order from somewhere else.

The next day we're like, all right,

let's reset.

Let's try Sonic again.

Have you lost your license?

I know she's not old enough to drive yet, but have you lost your license?

Because why are you...

It's just a rental car.

Why are you not just driving for fucking two seconds to get it?

Because I don't want to.

The definition of insanity.

Well,

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

Okay.

That's it.

That's the only reason.

I'm like, they'll bring it.

I don't want to go out in the cold.

If it was nice out and sunny out, maybe, but it's like, it gets dark at fucking five o'clock now, and I just don't want to deal with it.

So the DoorDasher bring, now this is on me, because they bring the fucking food, and I go to look through it, and they're fucking missing a hamburger.

These assholes at Sonic and Middletown, the place should be shut down just for pure incompetence.

So I get in the car and I fucking drive there.

But I'm like, I'm going to, because last time Mary Beth was like, I was going to call him and warn him.

And I don't know if she's going to do it this time.

And I don't want like the cops to be there.

So I'm trying to

maintain a calm.

So

I get to the, I, I, I talk to the manager, who's a 20-year-old girl with multicolored hair.

And I'm like, looking at her, and I'm like, I'm about to say something that she's not going to give a fuck about at all.

But I say it anyway.

Turns out I'm right.

She doesn't give a fuck.

She's like, well, you have to, if there's a missing item, you have to, uh, you have to like go to the app and tell them.

I'm like, but you guys packed it and I'm here now.

Yeah, that seems foolish that they just can't correct.

She's a fucking idiot.

Everybody who works there is a fucking idiot.

And I wish I had a bucket of hot diarrhea to fucking dump on them because I would do it.

Oh, that's a little harsh.

I would.

Forgetting a hamburger?

No.

Forgetting a hamburger a thousand fucking times.

Every fuck, the night before, there's something wrong with it.

This time, there's something wrong with it.

The time before that, there's something fucking wrong with it.

They are so fucking incompetent, as is almost everyone i went to the eye doctor this week this idiot behind the counter a receptionist a male receptionist the lowest of the low

trying to get information just very basic information from this cocksucker was nearly impossible and you can ask marybeth is not me right i'm asking him i'm like what the is the brand of these contacts i'm like i call up and i'm like hey come at first i need to know the brand of these contacts it says this Tauric RF, whatever.

Yeah, that's what you needed.

And I was like, okay, but what's the brand?

Is the brand Tauric?

And he's like, no.

Okay.

Well, is it all?

Well, you need to know the brand.

So I can order them.

So I can order them.

Because I paid for the fucking appointment and I deserve.

That belongs to me, that information.

Yeah, but don't they have to order them for you?

Maybe they don't want to.

No, I'm ordering them online.

I'm not going to get picked off by these assholes.

That's why they're not giving you the information, though, I think.

No.

You can't go to a smart party,

go to a fucking fly-by-night, you know, contact.

1,800 contacts.

Yeah.

Okay, fly-by-night.

No, yeah, you're right that they probably would rather sell me the contacts.

Yeah.

But to be willfully ignorant and just be like, I wanted to slap him.

I wanted to slap him.

I'm on the fucking phone with a guy.

Finally, I was just like, can you just tell me the brand of the contacts?

And he goes, Belshan Loam.

I turn to Mary Beth.

I'm like, this guy's a fucking idiot.

And I'm still on the phone.

That's not a brand.

And then I just, no, it is.

But it took me five fucking minutes for him to just answer the question.

And if this was the first time, it would have been one thing.

But it's the day before where I go all the way over there for no reason because he's a fucking incompetent asshole.

And I tell the lady when I'm at the appointment today, I'm like, this is insane.

I don't know what to tell you about it.

Isn't it the equivalent, though, if somebody calls a store and is like, hey, I'm looking for

to get a good price on this book?

Can you tell me who the suppliers of the book are so I can find, so I can look up.

I didn't ask them for the number to 1-800 contacts that I have up here.

All right?

But you're asking them to give me a list of the books.

To give me what belongs to me.

It's commonplace.

It's very commonplace.

Why does it belong to you?

Because I paid for the

box or your prescription.

I don't have a.

That's what I'm trying to get is the prescription.

But he didn't fucking write it down because he's an incompetent asshole.

Because he's a fool.

Do you understand this, Kim?

He should have written down the brand of the contacts on the prescription.

He did not.

So when I called...

I'm going to tell you Mary Beth should handle these things going forward, she had to eventually handle it.

So, is that what it's going to come to at a certain point?

Because, I mean, I know that she's starting to take over every aspect of almost everything.

It's awesome.

I was hungry on the way here.

Guess what?

Wait, wait.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm not cutting any of this.

I feel like it would be insulting to Q.

Does Walt have a pencil mustache, and no one has said anything yet?

I noticed that

I didn't notice the mustache.

I do know.

Yeah, but I'm just doing it to fucking annoy everybody at home because they hate it.

How did they know they hated it?

Well, I left it there.

I grew up.

I did it on purpose last week, and then I just was like waiting for them to notice it too.

And they're like, and then now that they they say they hate it, I'm not shaving it off.

Well, eventually I will.

I know there's no way I can keep it for Thanksgiving with family coming over.

What do you mean?

Why not?

That would be a nuclear fucking war.

What?

Because who's

that would be a bomb drop if I fucking came down the stairs and I was like, and you greeted the family in my pencil?

You look like an old-time movie star.

The old-timey movie star.

That's not what the girls at home said.

It sounded more like asshole than old-timey movie star.

Yeah, but if I greet at the fan.

But who's vaporized in this nuke?

Like, who's like, what the fuck?

Just me.

All of them?

No, no, no.

I mean, like, whose mind is blown?

Everyone's mind is blown if you come down and you have that?

Well, I think everybody would be pretty, would be embarrassed if I came down with my pencil-thin mustache for Thanksgiving.

How do you not, like, knowing it?

How do you not do it on purpose, though?

Because it's just not worth

the aftermath is not worth the

two seconds.

The fallout?

It's like a nukes here.

Yeah, it'd just be a

horrific Thanksgiving.

And for what?

At the end of the day, for what?

Come back here.

Tell him.

Let me give you a hand job.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

I didn't even get to me being an asshole.

Oh, no.

Yes, you did.

I mean, I know that was the past 54 minutes.

What was you being an asshole then?

I got to tell you the last part,

which was I went to Mecta.

Sorry, I'm eating.

I can't get anything from DoorDash, so I have to eat between them.

Oh, you've been banned?

No, no, no.

I'm just saying they keep delivering the wrong shit.

Oh, yeah.

If you were a problem customer, like, I would be like, I would not want to deliver your DoorDash.

How am I a problem, though?

The problem is them.

I know, but like, if you're, but if the dealing with you is this level of fucking insanity for the DoorDash driver, I'd be like, fuck this.

I'm not going to be able to do this.

I'm not going to do that.

He's not everything he paid for.

Nice fucking tracksuit, though.

I got to say that.

Do you really think, though, that people want to deal with that, though?

I know you may say, like, it's...

No, they don't.

If I got that address, I'd be like, oh, no, I'm not going to that.

But see, the DoorDashers never know about it because I'm too fucking dumb to check before they leave.

So as far as they're concerned, it doesn't matter.

Oh, you don't blow up a bunch of stuff.

But they are the assholes who bring this shit in the first place.

That guy should have seen.

I'm not like, oh, they're probably going to make a second delivery.

Not bring me two shakes, only one of which I ordered.

Like, you you should know you fucked up.

So, the DoorDash guy knows what the order is.

He doesn't just pick up a number from the

bottom.

He knows what should be in the bag.

He knows what should be in the bag, but I don't see them going through it.

Ultimately, it should be Sonic's fault.

So, it's his responsibility to make sure that everything is in that bag, the DoorDash guy.

It's not just his or someone's like to pick up the bag and deliver it to your house.

No, I think that is his responsibility.

I don't think it's his responsibility for it to be in the bag, but it is his responsibility to make sure he's given the right fucking order.

Like, if I order one shake and then burgers and fries, and you bring me two shakes, you're the asshole.

How does he know though?

Because there's a fucking ticket that says Johnson and the and the and it says what the items are should say what the items are yeah like a receipt you know a receipt

I understand I just thought he was picking up a brown bag I didn't realize he had to like you know check off everything that you ordered no he doesn't have to check it off he has to make sure he has the right order though he didn't even bring the right

off though isn't it no i'm not saying root through my shit fucking be a taste tester and make sure the fries taste good well what are you saying then pick up the bag if it says johnson on it then bring it to me If it fucking doesn't, then go the other fucking way.

You didn't order shakes?

I ordered one shake and food.

He brought no food and two shakes.

I don't know who's at fault here.

Probably you for not getting in the car and just driving to Sonic.

Talene's TD.

Tillenee's TD.

I refuse to stop until I play this for you.

Play what?

Oh, you're recording.

I went to McDonald's, yeah, and this was accidentally recorded.

It was just on the dash cam.

So I go to McDonald's, and not for me, just for Sage.

So I'm going to get her

a quarter pounder.

I think I'm pretty clear on burger, bun, ketchup.

I'll let you guys decide what you think.

So I pull up, and here's, I broke it up just because there's so much waiting in between.

Yeah, I need a number two with just the burger and ketchup.

No cheese, nothing like that.

Just burger and ketchup.

And a drink.

Pay attention to that part.

What kind of drink?

Uh, Coke.

Anything else?

That's it.

What kind of drink?

Uh, Coke, cheese, nothing like that.

Just burger and ketchup.

What kind of drink?

Uh, Coke.

Anything else?

That's it.

All right, you're trouble with AD4.

First and no, please.

Is this me?

You.

There's poor Sage.

Excited for a burger.

With just ketchup.

This line not too bad.

No, this line is not bad.

Okay, I thought I'd cut this fucking part out.

God damn it, I was kind of later, but

I'm sorry, this fucking picket box.

Fucking technology shit, man.

Telensky David.

Imagine trying to bring a fucking burger to your house, too.

I mean, that's fucking hard shit.

That's hard to do.

There's bound to be mistakes.

There's gonna be mistakes, I guess.

That's

design.

Oh, yeah,

you know what?

Fuck it!

Fuck it!

Fuck you, I was an asshole, maybe I'll play it next week.

Stupid fucking Tlemsky's name.

Uh, yeah, I need a number two with just the burger and ketchup, no cheese, nothing like that, just burger and ketchup.

What kind of drink?

Uh, Coke.

Anything else?

That's it.

All right, your total data for first and no, please.

This me?

Yep.

Yes!

Yes!

A super sain.

That's good.

Ah, one, not too bad.

Alright?

What?

This line is not too bad.

No, this line is not too bad.

What?

I said, this line is not bad.

You're right.

Hi, I have the quarter media meal with

no pickle and no onions on the burger as well.

Correct?

No cheese, nothing else except just ketchup.

Only ketchup?

Well, that's why when you cut me off, instead of listening to the whole order, I knew this was gonna happen.

Right?

I just took the headset.

Sorry.

So it's just cheese, Correct?

Or just ketchup?

Jesus Christ, just ketchup.

The kid is a dairy allergy.

If you put it on, it's gonna be a problem.

Just ketchup.

Just ketchup.

Have a great day.

You gotta be kidding.

I just confirmed three times with this girl back here, nothing but ketchup.

Okay.

Nothing but ketchup.

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

First, she cut me off instead of taking the full order.

She just has to get to the drink.

I sat there and said, nothing but ketchup.

That's it.

She's like, okay, so just she's using ketchup.

No.

Nothing but ketchup.

I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

Can I get a new fries too, please?

I think it'll be cold.

There you go.

Have a great day.

I watched the makeup.

It's all the ketchup.

Sorry, I just got a my own notification.

So thank you.

Do you see it, Bunny?

Nothing.

You saw it, right?

That is not crazy.