#422: A Scarecrow’s Story

In a galaxy far, far away,

nobody gives a fuck about a practical job.

Yeah, motherfucker.

That's right, asshole.

I'm gonna fucking kick your ass, motherfucker.

We're gay.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em, Steve.

Dave, it feels like it's been ages, boys.

Has it been ages?

Well, weeks.

It's been a couple of weeks.

I don't like it.

No,

I start to get like

Nicholson in the shining.

Mm-hmm.

Mary Beth and Sage outside.

I'm just like staring, drooling, and shit.

Oh, I can't take it.

Walt.

Hello.

Yeah, Walt.

You're here.

You're both KISS experts in my book, so I got to ask you,

what's with KISS performing a concert for an audience of great white sharks?

What?

What's going on?

You haven't heard this?

I haven't heard this.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Maybe I'm the KISS expert here.

It really is.

It's what it reminded me of.

KISS will perform an underwater concert for an audience of great white sharks.

Now, when I first heard it, I thought they were like, oh, they're going to do a benefit because great white sharks are endangered or something.

But no,

they're going to perform in front of the audience.

I don't think they're going to go underwater, though.

Yeah, because it's like, how can you perform underwater, though?

It's going to be a private, I guess, scuba tanks to bleed, but then you still wouldn't be able to sing, though.

You can't sing, you can't play your instruments.

Some of the vibrations of the music.

Enrage them.

Yeah, like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, wouldn't it hurt the shark?

Maybe they'll just play forever.

Calm them down.

Remember that?

Did you ever hear that song?

That was a song I came out.

That was my wedding song.

Wait, what?

There was a song, Kiss Play called Forever.

It's got like a real mellow song.

Or Beth.

Maybe they'll play Beth.

So the sharks don't go into a wedding song.

Your wedding song was a kiss song?

And this is the first time you mentioned this?

Yeah.

Yeah, motherfucker.

That's right.

That's right, asshole.

He was like, yo, you know who's wearing the pants, right?

This is the song.

Yeah, this is the guy that you fucking left out on the curb for the kiss concert.

Well, I didn't know that.

This is information that I'm fucking surprised I'm only hearing now.

I remember he suggested it to his wife.

She's like, I think, he's like, don't think, just look beautiful.

All right.

That's your job.

My job is to pick the rock songs.

Jeez, all right.

I regret my choice more than ever.

But yeah, maybe if they choose to only play like real mellow stuff, they won't send the sharks into like a feeding frenzy.

It'll get them all horny.

Like maybe they'll get them in the mood for loving the sharks.

I wonder how sharks make love.

Is it violent?

I think is.

I think they're the most metal fish of all, right?

Doesn't everything they do is violent?

Let's look it up here.

Shark mating, right?

I'm sure it's something lame, like fucking she lays an egg and he blows a shark load all over it on a reef.

I also sounds pretty good to me.

I also think, like, whoever looked at a shark.

Why is that lame?

Because he's not even, there's no intercourse, there's no penetration.

It's just like masturbatory.

Don't guys do that constantly every day.

I might have done it twice a day, but

sharks that I have to raise as a result.

Just do it on a fucking egg from fucking shop, right.

See what happens in nine months.

This is my son.

No, it's one of the chickens that's now dead in the final room.

Okay, so here's some sharks.

It looks like they're sort of like...

Oh, they spin around.

Oh,

they bite each other.

their bellies.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Do you do that?

Do you ever present your belly to a shark?

Do you mean to lie on my back and say, get on?

Yeah, I if if at all possible, I keep the belly out of sight, you know

it's tough

looks like the silhouette of a pregnant woman, dude.

I gotta start losing weight because I'm at that stage where I'm not even taking my shirt over the shower,

I'm like just soaping underneath it.

Fucking showering with a wetsuit on, yeah.

Oh, I'm so gross.

Um, it seems like these sharks bite each other a lot.

Well, that's all right.

You know?

We've all been there, shark.

I guess sometimes you ought to leave some teeth marks.

We're aware of some.

Yeah, why not?

So, yeah, I guess it's a select number of audience members for this concert that will be underwater, I guess, in a shark tank.

Is that like a shark cage?

No, it's in Australia.

Wow.

It's arranged in a partnership with Airbnb Animal Experience, which reverses the tradition of having animals perform for the entertainment of human beings and instead promotes making ethical and empathic connections with wildlife.

Like playing music for them, I wouldn't think they'd like it.

Like you said, Keith.

Why the fuck at 70 years old is Gene Simmons getting on a 22-hour flight to play to a bunch of sharks?

Because that's him.

I was thinking about that myself.

And

a lot of times, you know, people will be like, oh, if I was like a rock star, like

as soon as you get rich, I quit and just live life.

But it's like, that's why they're probably rock stars, a lot of them, is because they don't want to do that.

Like, they want, like, he has to keep going.

He has to keep going because of his fucking lifestyle, probably.

But don't you think he has so much money that if he stopped now, he just would be able to pay whatever.

I mean, like you said, he's 70, right?

No, I bet you they live fucking high in the hog, man.

You think it's never going to stop coming in, that money, when you're when you're on that level.

So

you probably spend like it's like, you know, you spend like it's going to come keep coming forever.

That could be true.

Like if you're 70.

Basically, it has been coming in forever.

Although they face some lean times too, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, they had some hard times

where they weren't selling a lot of records and nobody was going to see them.

So it hasn't been a bed of roses.

And that's why Gene, I guess, is such a business-minded merchandiser, right?

Sure.

I think that's hurt the brand, though, to be honest with you.

I think that's really

kind of turned off a lot of the fan base.

I know there's some fan base that they're zombies and they got to buy everything.

Right.

But

for me, it just felt like it was so gross at a certain point when you're just putting, just slapping that logo on everything.

Right.

He's not talking about UQ.

I don't know why you keep looking.

Sorry, I got distracted by the Jay and Salambob t-shirts I was looking at.

Is that a Jay and Salambob Game of Thrones crossover that I'm looking at?

Jay and Bob orange is the new black.

They're in there with those guys.

I mean, you know what?

You're right, because it's pretty hypocritical of me to bash a kiss for doing

what we're going to just announce right now.

All the old TSD t-shirts are back in stock, Brian.

That's good to hear.

If I had to hear it one more time from Mary Beth, she's like, people like those old t-shirts, and you don't have those old t-shirts.

I'm like, what do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do?

They're back in stock, Brian.

All the old designs that we retired and said we would never print again.

Right.

One last time, they're going to be available.

Why?

What happened?

One last time.

The noise got too loud.

Even I had to take notice of all the crying and the moaning that I saw.

So I was like, all right.

That's a rarity.

All right.

They're back in stock.

Boy, people like us again?

Yeah,

I think we're back.

What happened?

We were gone?

I thought we were gone for like a year and a half.

I think it's like a roller coaster.

I think there's dips and valleys, peaks and valleys.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think right now we're on a valley right now.

No, we're heading up a peak.

yeah we're heading up a peak so we haven't peaked yet i'm sorry the valley is bad right yeah valley's valley's in the rear view yeah we're in a peaking right now oh that's fucking pretty good yeah so enjoy it while it lasts it could end at any moment yeah just like just one bad one bad comment and it's right back to the shitters

i will say this man nobody is better to meet on the streets uh than ants ants are always

in person

the the best just the best they just i love talking to them we i feel like we have inside jokes they'll say something from the show and yeah it's just it's if they're well versed it's fun yeah it really is fun yeah because then it's like it's uh not a language of its own but maybe a dialect yeah

yeah

and not only are the old shirts available q again like all the old classics the three heads the the etchum heads the cartoon heads um

four color demons uh all the old designs went out yeah it went out we we remember we retired all the old designs oh i wouldn't like like old coke

like old Coke.

And then we brought in new Coke, and now Old Coke's coming back.

It's all a strategy.

Marketing, man.

Look at this guy.

He's wearing glasses.

He knows what he's doing.

Launching a new shirt along with this,

with the return of the old shirts.

Nice.

In the 70s, there was...

Yes, right?

But do you remember in the 70s?

I don't know if Bri remembers this, but I don't even know if you'll remember.

Do you remember a character called Howard the Duck?

Of course, yeah.

Do you remember in 1976 he ran for president?

Matt, I don't remember.

I was born in 76.

I only remember it because when we were doing it on Comic Book Men, I was reading about Howard the Duck, and I heard that.

So you recall that.

That's a real thing.

So in 1976, I'm nine, and I see in the letters column of Howard the Duck that they're treating it in the letters column like he's really running for president.

And a couple weeks later, I see on the news, they do a story about a comic book character who's running for president.

So, in my head, I'm like, well, what the fuck happens if you win?

Well, I don't say fuck, but what happens if he wins?

It was like, it was kind of like cool because I was in the comic.

So, I was also like, well, what will they do if this, because, I mean, I wasn't that out of it.

I knew it was a fictional character.

President Duck.

But Howard and Duck ran for president, and it was his slogan was, get down, America.

And I remember they were selling bumper stickers and

buttons that you could write in.

They weren't even selling them.

If you wrote in or something, you can get one.

If you, you know, POD, remember that?

Is this headed to get him for president?

Actually, it's better.

He could never win, but the Baron could win.

Oh,

I wanted to run, I want the Baron to run for president in 2020, and I have we put up a shirt, some bumper stickers, and a button.

Oh, that's fun.

I like that.

The irony of Howard the Duck running in 76, like the anniversary of our country's birth, is like he still would have had a better chance than Barack Obama in 76, I think.

Watch it.

We're on a peak right now.

Yeah.

I'm just saying how far we've come.

We're all so woke now.

But yeah, so now the old designs are back, and there's a new design and some, and like, you know, nice, something cheap, bumper stickers and a pin is also available too.

Very cool.

There's also, Q, you're going to find this interesting, a $500 Patreon level.

No.

Yes, we're going to.

We're doing it.

We're going to podcast to 10 stray cats and a select number of fans

out behind the stash.

That's what we could sell tickets to that.

Podcast to 10 Stray Cats?

Yeah, in the alleyway behind the stash.

Yeah, why not?

Right by the dumpster.

Yeah, so throw at a merch table if you're interested in that.

Go to a merch table.

They're available now by the time this drops.

All right, we're done judging kiss.

Well, I mean, come on, at least we didn't do a coffin yet.

That's

now

you got me thinking that

I never really wanted to be buried, but if I were a custom Tellum Steve Dave coffin, like how they do paint jobs on choppers and shit,

that's the way to go, right?

I mean, that's how I well, I thought we were putting your body in the stash, but it looks like you got healthy now, so it looks like you're not gonna

die like we all

were all hoping.

I mean,

I was gonna buy a boat.

That was a good joke.

We were gonna put his body in the stash, and then fucker lost 200 pounds.

Well, if you really, if you want to get like ugly with merchandising, you can do Q condoms.

Oh, like his Q's face at the head?

Because Kiss did kiss condoms.

You could use Q condoms.

Yeah, but I never wear condoms.

And like the reservoir tip is like...

I don't know that.

We can edit that out right now.

And you say you always use condoms.

You're always safe and responsible.

Yeah, you're right.

You probably do want to see that.

Remember that little egg that you're trying to disseminate?

You might have a few that are like 10 and 12 by now.

Whatever.

Let's get the test.

But yeah, I could look into getting cucumbers.

Yeah.

You want that?

Not really.

No.

What about?

I suggested it to Walton.

I mean, let's do it.

Do you think they'll sell it?

Well, I mean, it all depends.

But then, what if they're defective and then we get sued?

I think we should stay away from it.

We'll use trophies.

Or we just say for entertainment purposes only.

Boom.

Cover your ass.

Cover your ass.

And your dick with a Q condom.

Boom.

They're like, so wait, we cover our.

No, you guys are covering your asses for like whatever.

The point is we're not in trouble.

Yeah.

If you have a kid or get AIDS or whatever, it's not our fault is what I'm saying.

I'll look into it, QL.

I'll look into pricing and the Q condoms.

Maybe for a tier, though, right?

Not for.

No, we'll sell them.

Sell them.

A merch table, yeah.

Merch table is.

Hey, True TV don't own my face.

Is there a big...

Oh, they passed on owning your face yeah or they don't own your face they don't own my face oh okay

would that be a conflict with IJ if you were to be like all of a sudden you're like dude no are you really selling your face on a condom look what I found in the driveway outside my house a cucumber used

my kid almost ate it

clearly labeled it's not for eating so yeah

would they be upset with that that would be really that would be iffy kind of merchandising to have your your name on.

That's like, but you come at it from a place of safety, you know, and sex positive.

Safety and inclusiveness.

Yeah.

You're good.

Yeah.

So any kind of sex is okay if you belong to yourself.

Dude, if you listen to me,

I want my gay peeps to be safe.

So put me on your dick before you fuck your boyfriend.

That's Q condoms.

Let me in on this ride.

That's inclusive, man.

I'm inclusive as fuck.

Let's go for a ride.

I can't be there physically.

Let me be there spiritually.

I'm into it.

all right all right i'll look into it let a cheap chinese trojan knockoff be there with you

with my face on it you gotta be magnums

no

really

yeah we gotta sell them in all sizes you can't just like like alienate dude i got a

i got a uh uh you got an image to vote man i can't be using

do they really sell them in sizes dude well they have like magnum i think that's like the large slash black guy size they don't feel any bigger than regular ones.

I think that's a you think it's a marketing thing to make guys feel better because I tried it on and it was pretty tight and I was like,

I think I'm just being made to feel good right now.

Oh my god, double magnums.

Q's, condoms only come in double magnum.

The only thing bigger than these condoms

is his tit.

Like, is Q transgender or fat?

Either way, he's funny.

I don't care.

Triple magnum.

Yeah.

I like it.

I like it.

I think it's a money maker.

I'm into it.

If you have,

let's say you have a special lady at home, Q, let's say you got a girlfriend, you're married or whatever.

You say you don't use condoms.

You come home and you're tired.

The day of him, practically joking.

You pull the sheets back, and between them, you see a Q condom spent.

So, in this fictional world,

I come home and this woman, or men,

Men?

I mean,

not just a men.

He's like, you know, it's a woman or I'm like sucking anybody's cock who fucking comes over.

No, no, no, no.

You're saying I'm coming home to a woman, like I live with a woman.

Right.

Well, judging on every single thing I know about you for the past 25 years.

We're on a peak.

He knows how to get to that peak.

Yeah, man.

The truth is fine.

Follow me.

I hope somebody calls him on it.

They're like, so listen to Tom Steve Dave and all that cock sucking talk.

I mean, you weren't just bullshitting, were you?

That doesn't happen to me once a week anyway.

Yeah.

And all right, so there's my own condom with my own face on it.

Between the sheets of your Casper mattress, I forgot to add that part.

And his blue chew wrappers.

Yeah.

I mean, I got to imagine if I'm getting cheated on, I'm upset.

No?

But is it especially hurtful that they're like, ha ha ha!

It is.

It is like a little bit of a fucking stick in the eye.

Right?

Because

you were there.

They had to think of me while they were putting it on.

That's all they thought of me.

Could you imagine if you found out?

Graphic designers, anybody listening out there, shoot me some logo of Q's, what's it called?

Q's condoms?

Q condoms?

Q condoms.

Q condoms.

Yeah, that's the logo you need.

All right.

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Try not to derail you.

Right, I could tell.

Just keep going and going and going.

I'll just keep going.

Although, Walt, we're, I don't think we're contracted.

I can't, I don't know if we're contracted to include a personal experience, but we say it all the time.

I got multiple mattresses, and they're all Casper's.

There's no other mattress allowed in that house.

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Well, I know you like the 50s.

You romanticize.

I romanticize the 50s.

I think a lot of people do.

The 50s.

I think pop culture has romanticized the 50s.

I don't know if it was as cool as it really was, but.

You know,

be interested to talk to someone who grew up in that time of like Cold War, nuclear drills and all that shit.

And well, your parents were children, teens in the 50s, right?

Is that what an idealized environment turns out?

Those two fucking maniacs?

I feel like they didn't live in Mayberry.

It was like Tales from the Dark Side of Mayberry.

Okay, so say your wife wanted to do this, Walt.

She's like, I'm going to quit my job, Walt, and I'm going to spoil you like a 1950s housewife.

Now, this was news somehow in the New York Post a couple weeks ago.

After three years of happy marriage and getting stressed out by her job in a busy payroll department, she decided to turn back time and live like a 50s housewife.

How does she do that?

I mean, she dresses the part, which is pretty cool.

Do you like the 50s styles?

A little more modest?

I don't mind the 50s styles.

I thought the

the attire was

Nito.

She's playing a vinyl Doris Day soundtrack in the background.

I know you like that.

I like that.

That Doris right there looking down on us, Q, on that pillar right there.

Oh, yeah.

There she is.

See her?

Died not too long ago, right?

Like fairly recently.

Fairly recently.

I guess she also issues

any modern appliances.

So she does dishes, laundry, and ironing.

And she just loves taking care of her husband.

Now, that is not viewed as a positive anymore, right?

Like if a woman wants to stay home and take care of her husband, take care of the kids, she's kind of a piece of shit trader.

I don't think so.

Is that the way it is?

I think the idea is like

you're free to make the choice not to do that is the important thing, not that that doesn't exist.

Those about choices, curious.

I mean, that's what I would, that's, I mean, it's unrealistic, though, to think that a lot of people can make that choice, though.

I think that there's so many people need

two incomes to make it in this fucking snake pit.

Fucking four incomes, man.

I'm looking at housing prices around us.

Dude, it's insane.

Yeah, though, it's tough out there.

You can't, it's the very few and lucky that can be like, you know what, I'm going to go live 50-style.

Do you want to know what she does during the day?

She gets up at 6:30.

She wakes up, lays out her husband's clothes before preparing his breakfast and packing his lunch.

After feeding herself, she does 15 minutes of gentler exercises, I guess, so she can keep fit for them.

She is a little vintage slamp board

to keep her shape so she can fit into all her 50s dresses.

It's weird.

She's so nostalgic about a time she didn't live in.

You know, all her recipes are like from the 50s.

After dinner, they play board games.

I mean, it sounds like the ultimate hipster move, right?

It does.

To do something like that.

I'm saying it sounds pretty nice.

Right?

Yeah.

Do you play board games?

I was thinking about you yesterday.

Like, I was like, I wonder what Walt does

every night.

Every night?

Oh, I don't play board games.

No, I didn't think.

Board games.

I break him out for holidays.

I didn't think that, but I was like, I know, like, you don't go out a lot, right?

Anymore?

I do.

I'd be surprised at how much you go out.

Absolutely.

Yeah, but

I went and saw a concert recently, a couple last week.

What did you guys say?

I went and saw George Theragood and the Destroyers.

Yeah, the Basie.

With whom?

My wife.

You both wanted to see George the Thorough?

Yeah.

Wow.

She didn't want to go, but I wanted to go.

You wanted to go too?

Aside from Bad to the Bone.

Bad to the Bone is the one I remember.

What's the other one?

Nighttime.

Who Do You Love?

I mean, the guy played for an hour, and only one song I didn't recognize.

Oh, yeah, I mean, he has a lot of hits.

He's got a lot of hits under his belt.

I think, though, like, guys like that, I feel prejudiced against because of songs like Bad to the Bone, where you heard it so many fucking times that you're like, I can't stand him.

I mean, he's up there, too, and he's singing, and he's playing, and he's rocking and rolling, and it's got to take a lot out of you at that age, right?

He's got to be in his 70s.

Take a look at it.

That's all you know.

I mean, he's doing touring at this point.

I know the Stones are doing it.

You're going to see the Stones, Q?

Probably not this time.

I saw him a couple years back.

It's going to be the last time.

Yeah, I know.

They were great.

You know, Mick had to get that heart surgery.

I know.

This is something that I'm...

It doesn't scare you that

we might have to live in a world without Mick.

Once I lost Tom Petty, almost everything else is acceptable.

Yeah.

Ring Q, your dad, Died.

How did you sound on American Girl?

Dead.

Not good?

Trying to listen to Tom Petty, if you don't mind.

All right, I just thought you wanted to know.

Go away, mom.

My condolences.

George Thoreau, good.

The best age, 69, baby.

Oh, he's not 70 yet.

No, he's almost there though.

He's dancing him more than he really was.

February 24th.

Our George Thoreau.

We had about 10th row seats.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

So we're fucking.

There was no one past row 11.

No, the place was definitely fucking patched.

Yeah, no one even paid that picture.

Hey, George, what happened?

Nobody came to your concert.

No, no.

There was plenty of people there.

I've been back to the bar.

Festival.

He's looking at his clock one day when it can end.

Yeah, he's like, am I not 70 yet?

I'm supposed to be dead.

I'm going to see a retro show tomorrow.

Yeah.

A little, not a concert, Andrew Dice Clay.

Oh, yeah.

He's going to be at the BC.

You think he'll still pull out all those jokes that definitely can't work today?

I'm thinking probably not.

I don't think he does it anymore.

As well, he shouldn't, because I was telling Mary Beth about him, and we were coming back from somewhere, and I was like, let me put on some old dice stuff.

And I really thought back, like, I remember dying laughing at Eddie Murphy and like all his gay stuff.

Like, I remember thinking it was funny.

But

dice, I'm like, the nursery rhymes and shit.

I can't remember laughing at it.

And hearing it back, I'm like, oh my God, what a nation of retards.

They're all repeating the nursery rhyme, like the entire garden or whoever, you know, wherever, whatever concert he was in.

And also, you think I don't go out?

I went to just last week, I went to saw Stephen Wright at the BC with my wife.

Oh, how is he?

Awesome.

Yeah, he's good.

That is a dude that's got to be like,

it's got to be insane that he should write a set because his jokes only last.

what, five seconds.

So he needs a joke.

He must need a thousand jokes to get through an hour and a half of playing.

Yeah, but he's got to be so in the zone by now that he just can look at a pair and be like, I got a joke about a pair.

I mean, but these jokes are not for the

cerebly challenged.

If you're not paying attention and you're like, his jokes make you think.

Yeah, he's a funny guy.

Yeah.

Oh, he's

very impressive.

I would like to know.

if he wrote all those jokes or he has if he has a team of writers because some of them are like absolutely like

like wow i mean that is so intelligent He probably has writers, I guess.

Why Stephen Wright such a cheap douchebag?

Hey, I didn't write this.

I guarantee he has writers.

He must.

You get to those levels, like, even like, unless you're like Chappelle or like one of those guys who, I guess, they write all their own stuff.

Like, Chris Rock has writers.

Like, I think a lot of them do.

And so, like, you've been in the biz that long.

How do you think of one more deadpan joke?

I don't know.

It's crazy.

There's so many of them, though.

And then

he plays music, too.

The memory he has to have to tell the jokes, too, is just crazy.

I don't know how you could do that.

Bro, dude.

Yeah, he is.

He's not like us.

He doesn't just come here and fucking shoot from the lip.

That guy knows what he's doing.

Shooting from the hip and lip.

Is it harder?

Obviously not.

I think it's different levels of quality, no?

Yeah.

Like there's a different sort of crafted joke and improv.

Well, or the ability to have a conversation and then have people anticipate listening to your conversation.

That's a different kind of skill level, right?

That's what we're doing.

That's what we've done for 10 years.

Or arrogance.

Just think of people.

I think it's probably balanced.

It's probably both.

I don't think it's arrogance anymore when you sit there we've been doing it this long and

you know

feel bad for the people who never know what just happened

i mean it really has there is actually it's it's it's, it's, you know, the proof is in the pudding.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not upset.

I can't believe we're doing this 10 years.

When does that happen?

When is that date?

The 10-year mark.

Is it next year?

It's next year.

It's like February 20-something.

Oh, my God, that's crazy.

Yeah.

That's nuts.

We're going to be dead soon.

Yeah, you know.

We're just going to die, man.

Like, if everything flies by that fucking fast.

I think about that quite often because you see, like, you know, Ginger Baker died, and this one died, and that one died.

And, like, he was in cream.

That's a drum drummer.

Yeah.

Respected musician.

But you see, like, all your

not necessarily heroes, but heroes for the sake of

dying off.

Yeah, but they were 20 years older than you.

Yeah, that's what I mean, though.

But, like, the guys like, like, say, Jimmy Page, who, like, you know, like, for, like, I idolized Jimmy Page when I was in sixth sixth grade right and eventually he'll probably die i mean hopefully he'll die in my lifetime you know sorry jimmy page i know you got to deal with the devil and all that but

um

so you're just going to see him drop off and you're going to get closer and closer and like it's going to be like sometimes i see old people and i'm like when you look in the mirror do you see a shred of who you are of who you were before you were so difficult for the general population to look at you you know like

Like you're all shriveled up, like you look like

the Vincent Price shrunken head, like the apple affair.

Shrunken apple.

Yeah, like so.

And I'm like, eventually I'm going to look like that.

Oh, dude, I remember seeing pictures of Paul Newman just before he died and being like, it can't be.

It can't be Paul Newman.

He looks like a wraith.

Like, it just can't be.

Like,

I felt so depressed.

Yeah.

He was the sexiest man alive at one point.

Fuck yeah.

For like many years, like he was the standard, the gold standard of sexy in males.

Yeah.

And then the other hand, then I learned today, guess how old Snoop Dogg is?

Oh, he's old.

He's got to be 52, something like that.

Okay.

How old do you think he is?

I think he's got to be 66.

Yep, he's 48 years old.

Are you sure?

I'm telling you, Snoop Dogg is 48 years old.

I'll double check this.

Well, the same with Eminem.

He's well into his 40s.

And you remember when he was a kid.

Yeah, but Snoop Dogg, I always thought was way older than me.

He was born in 71.

He's 47.

He turns 48 on October 20th.

But why do I think of Snoop Dogg as like a grandfather?

As like an older girl?

Because he has probably has grandkids.

His grandkids probably have grandkids.

He was having kids

when he was nine.

I guess.

I just always thought he was like a grandfathered in

old school guy, but he's really not.

I don't know what's going on anymore, dude.

Father Time.

Togy style came out in 93.

Which like when you're like, oh, 93.

And it doesn't sound that long ago until you're like, oh, wait a second.

That's 25 years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I graduated high school in 94.

I can't believe it anymore, man.

Do you think if you went back

to 20-year-old Q or graduating Q and you're like, here's where you'll be.

You're happy with that, I imagine.

I think so.

I think overall, he'd be like, Oh, wow,

that seems pretty cool.

And I'd be like, Yeah, most of it is.

I mean, not so much the part where I have to pretend I might share my bed with a man just so people don't get mad at me.

But you know.

Well, look, plenty of cue.

No.

If you told that, he's like, Yeah,

like, no fucking way.

He'd punch you in the fucking face.

I'm gonna fucking kick your ass.

We're gay.

We're gay!

You turned us gay, Future 2!

How did you do this to us?

We're gay.

We were pussy hounds.

Now look.

He's enraged.

Rolling on the stage in your high school stage.

I don't know, one minute that old guy was giving a speech or a lecture about, you know, embracing diversity.

Then a guy who looked kind of just like him, except skinnier and younger, yeah, it might have been his son attacked him.

A bunch of accusations being flung.

How do you calm down, 20-year-old Q.

I would sit him down.

I'd be like, listen, I'd be like, listen, listen, listen.

Give him a blowjob.

There you go.

There you go.

Relax.

That's just masturbation.

That's true.

Good to go.

I would do that.

I was like, no, I'd be like, dude, I'm like, you can still make the funny jokes.

You just got to tweak them a bit so they're about yourself.

I was like, if you do that,

ka-ching.

Come here, take a look at Future Bry, who doesn't do that.

Look at him.

You want that life?

Explain it to me again.

Yeah, just so I have it straight.

I said straight, all right?

I know you hate it.

Same jokes.

Just make them about yourself.

You don't have to rewrite anything.

Well, surely I can still say

no, that got phased out.

That got phased out in 06, bro.

You got another good 10 years.

I don't even want to whimper that world.

Fuck that shit, man.

You should be banished from Staten Island, Dad.

I hope they ride you out on a rail.

Yeah,

it's weird.

And then you think of the people around you, people that are old.

Like, I don't have any grandparents anymore, but I have aunts and uncles.

Yeah.

Parents, of course.

Yeah, I miss my grandparents.

That's the one big loss in life

that I wish I can get back.

Even more than Tom Petty.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're not saying that.

It would be nice to see them one more time.

So they didn't get a chance to see you as

the celebrity.

They didn't say a chance to see your success, no?

No,

they all died when I was in my late teens.

Oh, okay, so not even out of high school, huh?

My father's parents died when I was in high school.

My mother's parents died when I was in my mid-20s.

I mean, there was nothing to be impressed about in my mid-20s.

There's a very real possibility that those four angels are responsible for everything that you've accomplished right now.

Where the fuck are my angels?

Why did you cue up all the angels?

I wish.

I felt bad for all of you that you didn't just see what happened again.

That's true.

You're right.

You're right.

Hashtag blessed.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

I see you every fucking like 15 days, and you're like, where are my angels?

Yeah, well,

got any angels for me?

Oh my God.

I know.

I know.

Trust me.

I sit at home and I'm like, how can I feel this way?

I must be out of my head.

But you're still feeling shitty.

It was so bad this past week.

Why don't you call me, dude?

I don't like.

I don't like.

Was I around?

I was around.

To give the call and be like, I'm so sad.

It's like, I just want to do shit.

I'm still feeling safe.

I know, but it is.

We've been agreeing.

What brought it on?

I don't know.

I don't know, but it's like, I feel bad for Mary Beth.

I actually feel bad for her because the

like the switches in like the moods

and the reaction to something, like I look back at some shit and I'm like, what the fuck?

Why would I be mad at that?

Or like, why would I allow that to get me into a state?

And

so I went on like, I'm like, I need a mood stabilizer because that's what used to happen before.

And then once I got on them, it was better.

Can you get those over-the-counter?

No, no way.

You have to go to a shrink, not even a psychologist, but a regular psychiatrist.

And I

went on to my insurance, my health insurance, and it's not cheap.

It's like $500 a month, a little bit more.

To pay for the insurance.

Just for the insurance.

Yeah.

So I go on and I look at the shrink stuff.

And it's like, there's three main places that are practices.

But those are at hospitals.

And usually what they are are like the

social services places.

And I called and they're like, yeah, we don't have any doctors.

And I'm like, there's like 50 or 60 doctors listed on this.

I was like, you don't have any?

And she's like, well, the good ones are booked out for the next eight to 10 months.

The other ones, she's like, I wouldn't go to them.

Wow.

Yeah, but you're just asking for medication.

That's what I thought, but I don't know.

I mean,

maybe she's like, you're wasting your time with them because they're that incompetent or they're that green or whatever.

You can't do it over the internet, like do like a video chat.

Like a blue chew?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, I'm like, hey, doc.

Sage is in a dog cage in the background.

Mary Beth appears to be unconscious, at least he hopes.

So then I called a couple other, I called three other people.

Nobody called back.

And the fourth person was like, that said they were taking new patients, doesn't take new patients.

So I'm like, I guess I just pay out of pocket then.

Despite having insurance,

you're like, fuck it, I'll still pay pay out of pocket.

And that's like $125 a visit.

Nah, at least.

In LA, when I used to go, it was $175.

$175 an hour.

But the dude was good.

It was real good.

Before I got the insurance that

I have now, which is only the past seven months or so,

because I've been on

Butrin for a fucking decade now, and I have to go once a month.

I go there.

I sit there.

It's the same thing.

It's

anti-anti-pressed, anti-anxiety.

A lot of people swear by it.

Yeah, I've taken it every day for 10 years.

And

I go and I'm like, I sit down.

I like the guy, but I sit down.

He goes, How's everyone?

I'm in and out of the office in five minutes.

And it was $125

every month.

And then this new insurance busted that down to $20 a month.

But I'm like, why do I got to come here?

And just be like, and just.

Do you want to get out of here?

Or more do you want to talk to him about?

I don't want to talk to him about anything.

No, you talk to your other, your lady.

Yeah, I haven't been able to go to her in quite a while just because of my schedule.

But if you wanted to, that's who you talk to.

This is just a medicine man.

Yeah.

And I was like, god damn, like, and whatever.

Like, I'm fortunate enough that I could afford the $125 a month, but I was like,

fuck, man, this is a robbery.

Because then you've got to pay for the medication, too.

And if you don't have insurance for that, forget it.

Yeah.

It's fucking crazy.

So what happened then?

Nothing.

Someday I'll

Someday I'll have Mary Beth come in and she can tell you stories about the

at times it's like a disassociation, like a detachment from reality.

Like, I'll make up something in my head and it becomes true, and then I'm all upset about it, and it's not true at all.

You know, it sounds weird when I say that.

Yeah, it does sound weird.

It sounds like, yeah, you need to keep working at getting a doctor.

Yeah.

And like

Sage appears on edge at times, and that was like never a thing.

Yeah, you gotta tell me something about that, man.

Yeah, and I can hardly ever sleep.

I sleep like three hours a night.

It sucks, but I don't know what's going on.

Like, I don't know what's wrong.

Like, I don't know why suddenly it's like within the past week and a half, it feels this way, you know?

Huh.

I don't know.

That's not good, dude.

I had a good day today.

I'm going to tell you about it later on.

A good day today.

In fact, I showed up late, and the reason was because lately when I work, I've been writing Vulgar 2, and I'll just put my phone to the side and I yeah I'll just listen to my iPad instead so I don't like get distracted

so I've worked a lot on that recently and that makes me feel better just working on anything accomplishing anything is always like a key

and I fucking I that my bedroom door

I'm going to post a picture eventually that like it was my punching door for a while until I punched through it and then like there was a giant hole in it so I was like all right I'm gonna go get another

And so I go Lowe's and I get the other door and I bring it back, and it's too long, but I knew that.

So I'm going to cut it with this saw.

I would just get it cut there by professionals.

I didn't think of that.

I thought about that later.

Instead, like an asset, this is what I mean.

I don't have a firm grip on what I should be doing sometimes.

And I went and I bought a circular saw instead of just asking them to cut it.

Because I'm like, well, I don't want to use a hand saw at home, so I'll buy a circular saw.

Doesn't she say?

Well, we just let the people at at oh i'm by myself at the time at this time she doesn't know what the fuck to say because like

the second part of the story is i go i get the the second door i bring it back and i'm cutting it and i don't know what happens but like a big chip comes out of the door

so then i take a fucking hammer to it and smash it and throw it into the fucking yard and now she comes home now there's two doors in the yard and i'm gonna order a third door and she's like please please just have Ernie hang it for you

and I was like all right I'll do that and it made me think of you you're like you're like why do you keep keep trying?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know why I keep trying.

Trying though, I think that's like that's just setting yourself up.

It's not like you

have uh like

skills with, like, it's like going to the Olympics and being like, I want to be a skill.

Guys like us, we're not, we're not handy.

And I know, I mean, I don't, and I don't beat myself up for not being handy.

I'm like, fuck it.

I mean, I can't, I can't be good at everything.

Yeah, emotionally.

I can't be, I can't, I can't be.

You're good at emotional.

I mean, I can't be, I can't be like, I can't be expected to do all the manly traits or like the every single manly trait.

Can't do them all.

You don't feel like

I guess your wife is, and you're so unapologetic about it, too.

Like there's no way you could feel

bad that I don't want in front of your wife.

Yeah, like, oh, I can't.

I feel like I want to fix things.

And like, I'm just like, oh, and it's not me.

I don't want to do anything around the house anymore.

I don't want to do anything.

I told my brother, I was like, just call for a fucking, like, a cleaning lady.

You get the cleaning lady prices.

I'm like, oh, Jesus Jesus Christ.

How much is that?

That was like $175 a week or something.

I'm like, this place is small, man.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

That's what she finds.

That's a few manly traits, though.

One of the most common fixing cars.

Yes, okay.

Yeah.

Even knowing about cars.

Man, I'm, I mean, I'm 0 for 2 then.

Like being handy.

Me too.

And being mechanically inclined or being into cars.

But like, you look at my brother Darren, and he's very good at mechanical shit.

And

he's a foreman at a job like construction site so he knows about that shit too

um you just gotta be I mean but then everybody asks you to do shit that's the other thing hey can you fix my car hey can you help me out with this gotta you know I guess it's that um it's coming to that place of just accepting that like

who you are or like what you are and who you are and embracing it

And if it's and it's not being handy, who cares?

I mean, there's plenty of those people around that can do that for you.

Yeah.

yeah, I don't know what it is.

I get so angry at myself, even though I know

chances are more likely than not that this is exactly what's going to happen.

I'm definitely going to ruin it somehow.

And I cut our fucking patio table because I wasn't paying attention.

I cut right to the metal.

I'm like, fucking.

I hate myself.

Like, my wife asked me to hang

or put scarecrows into the ground for Halloween.

I was like,

and I look at her and she's like, it's just taking a hammer and hammering the weed, the reed.

It's like on a reed.

Right.

A bamboo stick.

And the scarecrow like kind of clips onto the stick.

She says, all you got to do is just hammer it into the soft ground.

I go,

I guarantee I'm going to split this reed.

Can one of the girls do it?

I can't tell you the number of things.

I'm like, Mary Beth, please do this before I fucking burn the house down.

And I don't like, I'm not like where I'm angry or freaked out.

I'm just like, so how much was this?

And she goes, and I go, because you know I'm going to break it.

I go, go, is it real expensive?

I said, because I don't want to do it because you know I'm going to split the reed.

I said, it's first hit.

I go, I know I'm going to speak.

She's like, one, it's not a reed.

Okay.

Stop calling it a reed.

Where did you even get the word reed from?

Who told you that?

So I take it, I bring it out to the yard, and immediately before I sit down, she goes, that's grounds not soft.

I go, how do you know it's not soft?

Because it's a sidewalk, Walter.

Give me the goddamn scarecrow.

Girls.

Girls.

Can one of you hammer the scarecrow in without breaking the reed?

I didn't even know it stops.

I love it.

You're like, I'm going to fuck it up.

And then when you do it, she's like, you're fucking it up.

You're like, what makes you say that?

I didn't even do anything yet.

I just go to, I go, I go to plant it.

And so I go to the next spot and I just look before I even put it down.

I go, like, I kind of put it over, like, moving it.

I'm like, and then I look, so then I don't see a disapproving nod.

So I'm like, okay, here.

I take off the scarecrow so I can start to hammer it.

And if I had any experience hammering in a reed or whatever the fuck it's called, a bamboo stick, I probably shouldn't have used the head of the hammer.

I should have used the flat side, like almost turned it like

a larger striking space.

Or put a piece of wood over it and hit the wood.

There you go.

You're a handy Q.

I used it.

You're a handy.

Common sense.

I should have texted you when I was doing this.

I would have helped you with that.

So I hit it with the way where you had to drive a nail in.

One hit fucking split it right down the middle.

And I go, oh, great.

I was like, damn.

By home, it was expensive.

I go, I don't know.

How did that happen?

So then we have another one.

So I'm like, I know how to do it.

I said, I know what I did wrong.

I said, I got to use this flip side of the hammer.

And, you know, trial and error, but I figured it out.

I drove that fucking scarecrow in.

He's underground now.

Yeah, that motherfucker ain't going to be buried.

Well, looks like Ted Dance would creep shit.

If we have a nor'easter or anything, it's not nor'easter proof.

But normal weather, I think that motherfucker is there to stay.

He's not going anywhere.

I had a similar thing.

I was at Sal's place the other day, and he had on his back patio.

He had one of those gas

fire pits.

And he's like, God, it just smells like gas.

It's just, it's leaking.

So I went inside and when we used to, in the firehouse, look for gas leaks, we used to put soap in water in a spray bottle

and spray it on the pipe.

And then, where the gas is leaking out, it blows above it.

Wow.

And so I was like, holy fuck, I haven't gotten to do this in 10 years.

So I got it.

I put the thing, the dish soap in the spray bottle.

I put it on.

I saw the bubble.

I fixed it.

And I walked around feeling like a god

for using a food.

Does Sal acknowledge that?

Like, he's like, holy fuck, my friends are man.

You think we're not manly?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Is that really the case?

Sal has many skills.

Hands-on is a moment.

Does he beat himself up over it?

No, no.

Right.

I mean, that's what you got to come to.

You got to come to that place where you're like, accept your limitations and acknowledge your strengths.

I got it.

When I was sitting there today, I felt so much better about everything, just sitting there and working and doing like exactly what I wanted to do without getting up and fucking being like, oh, the fuck, I got to clean up the cat shit.

It's like, I feel like I'm constantly taking care of someone or something else.

Yeah.

You know?

And especially like, you know, she has soccer and she got this and she got that club and she gets home at three.

So it's like, I know, but you know, from three on, you're like, oh, well, now I have to be subject to the whim of if she needs something.

She usually doesn't.

She's usually pretty good, but

it's having to be there.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know how, I don't know how.

I mean, I guess it's hard, though, for people, but if you can fucking get to that fucking zone of like

knowing that and not fucking caring that you can't fucking hang a scarecrow, but you can do A, B, and C, and being like, but I can do this.

Yeah.

And that's pretty good too.

Do you remember when we tried to put a new roof on your house?

I was just talking about that.

That's so weird you should say that.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh boy.

And we're like, we went and we picked up these Mexican guys from the train station.

They were worse than us.

They were worse than us.

And we're judging them.

Meanwhile, we're like, oh, fuck.

We were hoping they knew what to do.

Listen, do you guys know how to roof?

They said, see yeah

so we thought great and they they were worse than we were yeah what made what made you guys think you could put a roof on though if you've never done it before or had any experience doing it i think i don't know i had experience carrying shingles up a ladder onto the roof do you think that's part of like why you guys are

yes i think it's you guys have i think it's arrogance the expectations of like i can do this but no reason i don't have that anymore nothing nothing to base it on i can do anything but if you look in the past it's like based on what bro

sorry uh i'm i'm successfully raising a tomato plant and a fig tree right now and i i'm fine with that being my only accomplishments at the house i'm like these are growing they're not dying the cats if they die are you going to go into like a fucking downward spile or are you going to be like oh well i tried the tomato plants can go fuck themselves the fig tree was my grandfather's fig tree that i paid to have transplanted from his old house to my house.

So it's on your property.

It's not in the house.

It's on my property right now.

Okay.

So I'm really like.

Okay, when you, so both of these things aren't in your house then, right?

No, they're outside.

So in other words,

the sun and the rain are taking care of them.

No, no, no, no, no.

But they're a thing.

You got to prune them.

You got to wrap them for the winter.

I've really been like, I'm.

You do that?

I do that.

You don't pay someone to do that.

Not for the fig tree and the tomato plants.

No.

I don't really have anything else besides Rodriguez.

My tree's unwrapped.

I want to see them leave tonight yeah wrap and unwrap daily for my pleasure

no my my fig tree that was my grandfather's so that means i want to take care of it how out of it am i i thought that these things were like little potted plants in your house that's what i thought too i thought they were like little but fig trees can grow big is this fig tree big right now it's about

four feet high four or five feet high and that's that's only one season's growth because i just had it brought i brought it over last fall and it took the summer.

I think a lot of men know,

especially men,

or have what you go through, though.

They get so mad about things that they can't do.

Can't do, can't control.

Instead of just

enhancing, but like taking pride in what they can do.

Like the truth is, I shouldn't be cutting a fucking door or doing this or that.

I should be sitting at a goddamn laptop and writing stuff down or making fun of somebody.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, it's sad, but yeah.

Yeah, it's all I'm good at.

Yeah, I mean,

but

it's like you're lucky enough where

you could still make a living doing that.

So, like, yeah,

why set yourself up for failure?

I know that.

Do you agree with that?

Or should he be trying?

I don't know.

Am I

trying to do hang doors?

I don't think he should try to hang doors without first attempting to learn how to hang doors.

Do you think even if he looked into that?

Yeah, I think if you took a class at Home Depot and shit like that, like you'd be able to do it.

I'd probably still fuck it up and I'd be like, all right, I'm now going to hang myself instead of the door.

But luckily, you won't be able to build any kind of hangman shit.

Yeah, I get snapped and I break my tailbone.

I'm like, ow!

Mary Beth, do you still think of me as a man?

She's like, as if I ever did.

Yeah, like Edgar's real handy.

Yeah, but not super humorous.

So, like, yeah, you have, all the Johnsons have different strengths and weaknesses, just like every other motherfucker on this planet.

Yeah,

every nobody, Tom Brady exception,

perfect at everything, but he is the fucking only one on the planet that you can point to that's like that.

I know that Giselle would never be like, What happened to the patio table?

Oh, you know,

I was trying to hang a door.

Wasn't that there before?

Q, I got good news for you.

What do you got?

We got some

CBD oil.

Oh, nice.

THC free walt.

So you know that's good.

Nobody's getting high off this shit.

And Q, you use it for your cats.

Now, you cut this out, but is this craze the new copper?

Like, where everyone's like, I'm going to put a copper sleeve on my leg, and I'm going to be fucking back to normal.

I'm going to be able to run 100 miles per hour with those little bracelets and stuff.

And I'm going to be

Ulysses.

Yeah, magnet.

You're going to get bitten by a copperhead.

That should help.

No, so this is real?

This is.

This is not a placebo.

No, this is not.

This is science.

CBD.

Science.

Yeah.

This is some scientific stuff.

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It's MDRN CBD.

They sell their own line of high-quality hemp-derived CBD products.

They offer other top-selling CBD brands that use USA grown hemp.

I guess that's important.

It's like Zappos for CBD.

So convenient.

I can't believe I'm pushing CBD.

Nah, this is fine.

Is it okay?

It does not.

I looked into it at first.

I was like, is this snake oil?

Like, is this

like, should we be going town to town selling this?

I mean,

this is not like pushing like

joints.

There's no psycho.

I wish we could.

Yeah, we're like all your one-stop shop for roach sales.

Like, who the fuck only buys roaches?

Wait, so they they don't call it that no more no they call it a roach but who sells roaches like the burned end of a joint collection i don't know what it's called

you know people just don't go around selling them roaches out of their car i don't think so not anymore you know give me a dime of roaches i suppose

like it's basically can i have your ashtray

okay uh they're supposed it's supposedly it works for um uh anxiety yeah it says oh i I couldn't sleep.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you try some of this stuff?

It says, I can't sleep.

That's why I tried MDR and I say, I have Xanax, but I don't take it.

I know people like it.

It's just like, if I take Xanax and the next morning, I feel like

sluggish and shit.

And it's like, I don't want it.

How do you feel on three hours sleep?

Sluggish and shit.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, you know what?

I could try some of this because they did send it.

Muscle pain, pet products.

Yeah, it works.

Anxiety arthritis, yeah.

I feel like you've taken some CBD.

oil.

I've taken CBD oil.

Yeah.

What's it called?

CBD.

CBD.

I've taken it.

It works.

What do you rubbed it on?

I took drops.

Took drops?

Yeah.

Yeah, you feel it.

You parachuted it.

The cats are calmer on it.

I think I've mentioned this before.

We have a 17-year-old dog in my family.

Like my dad's dog.

I thought you were talking about your unhot cousin.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We don't talk about all this.

You gave it to the dog?

Yeah, we put it on the treat.

Well, the vet pushes.

See what it does.

Yeah.

And we put it on dog treat, and like you see, like he

walks stiff because he's so old.

Oh, your parents' dog?

Yeah.

That dog is awesome.

Yeah, the dog is 5,000 bucks.

He's the man.

But when he's on the CBDL, he walks looser.

He's a little bit more.

So vets are now prescribing this?

Yeah,

prescription for my cats and the dog.

Yeah.

And I have to rethink this, you know, when my dogs get to that age, you know, I can't be so, like, you know, so closed-minded to not, you know,

doctor smoking roaches.

I remember like when I was in high school, people, like, kids in school, would tell me like they would put, you know, like drugs on their

member and do stuff to girls with it.

With it, would you do that with CBD?

What kind of drugs?

I don't know.

Coke, maybe?

Hmm.

Put on their tip.

You don't remember that?

No, I mean.

The girls liked it that way.

It got all tingly.

I don't know.

That's how they got high, too.

I don't know.

I think somebody was telling you.

Some tall tales.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, they may have done it, and then everybody lied.

But isn't most cocaine like cut with like baking powder?

Yeah, like talc and yeah, just laxatives.

Disgusting.

That's one drug I that's gone out of vogue, right?

Coke?

It's coming back.

I got offered it fucking twice last week.

Where?

In Los Angeles.

Sal.

Please.

I mean, you found the gas leak.

No.

Have some of my Coke for your troubles.

In Los Angeles.

Yeah, I got offered it twice.

Really?

Yeah.

So it's back, huh?

For a long time.

That's what I said.

It was out of vogue for a long time.

Maybe like for guys like and you,

you know, like an average guy, there's not, we're not going to drug-fueled Hollywood parties and shit.

I was at work.

I was on the set.

It was crazy.

I thought maybe it was at Disney because you said you were at Disney recently.

Yeah, I was at Disneyland with the Galaxy's Edge.

Oh, wait, let me finish this up.

Let me go to this.

This one, I like

this was a nice story.

I would like the listeners to hear.

I thought this was.

I know people like it.

I thought, well, it was nice.

In this day and age, this could still happen.

I can't wait to hear this.

This day and age.

Hey, y'all, because we know how we are.

You know, the society.

It still happens.

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That is the enticement of all enticements, right?

Even if it's not free, like Mary Beth will spend more money to get free shipping.

Right?

You know, I'm saying it's like it is basically like the

hypnotizing.

Yeah.

It's like the Coke of the new age.

Yeah.

I mean, it is just like free shipping can make you buy anything.

Yeah, like I'll put some Coke on the end of my dick and go and order stuff online if I'm getting free shipping.

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So what happened?

You went to Disney?

You went to Galaxy's Edge, right?

Galaxy's Edge.

This is the Star Wars thing.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Immersive.

Crowded?

So fucking crowded.

All the reports that you have heard are not true.

There's a lot of people.

It was packed.

Packed.

And the thing that's bringing Walt so much joy is that

in a galaxy far, far away,

nobody gives a fuck about a practical joke.

Get the fuck up.

That's your friend.

Good.

That's the back of the fucking line.

See that one hour line?

Back up there.

You stand there.

They didn't care.

They didn't recognize.

Whether they recognized or not was completely

irrelevant irrelevant they were like get the to the back of the line clown well i mean that that serves like a pirates pirates pirates of the caribbean hey oh hey can you get right in here point to match how many times you want to go indiana jones ride get right the up there q go up the exit line tell them who you are and get up there star wars

Dude, nobody cares.

Nobody gave a fuck.

Nobody gave a fuck.

Is it because those other rides are so old, people are like ah who gives a shit yeah like what's one more guy but star wars i got boners over the lines were so fucking crazy that they were not giving it i i went on the single rider line for the millennium falcon ride and that took almost 40 minutes wow it was crazy it was crazy but they were just like i mean they're so like the workers at galaxy's edge this is what i'm saying the bullshit about this park not being busy these guys look like they've been in world war one and two they got the fucking eyes like the thousand yards there they got that thing with they're like what

like the second you ask them a question it is not a very distant experience um you know and and then and the way that i get on rhymes is like first i'll do the soft cell

like i'll just walk up and just throw like hand malinger about

the person be like oh my god q

i gotta be honest like 70 of the times that works yeah and then uh and then the rest of the times i'll go up to them and i'll be like i'm sorry is this the entrance or the exit and then usually the voice or the and the face combined, they'll be like, oh my God, like blah, blah, blah.

If that doesn't work, I'll be like, hey, you got

a third card in your pocket.

I'll give you $1,000.

I'll look at security.

And I'll get a name from a name tag.

And I'll be like, hey, man, Ramon from security told me to come up and said to

that fucking

ghost.

I'll be like, because I'm online.

You didn't tell us this.

You didn't tell me this part earlier.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

And they'll be like, and

they don't want to to make a mistake of pissing anybody off that might actually be important.

Right.

So they're like, oh, okay, all right, just go around in galaxy edge.

Fucking Ramon doesn't even exist.

I've tried everything, man.

I was like, hey, man, so this is the line, huh?

Give them a little smile.

Yeah, hoping for that glint of recognition.

I hope I don't run into Larry.

But don't you need sometimes, though, just that, don't you need

just that like, hey man, I'm a regular guy.

I feel like in his life, without going into specifics, you are reminded of that

frequently.

Oh, God, on a fucking daily basis.

That's not, that's not.

Not in public, though.

Well, the problem is, like, honestly, like,

it's not the fucking wait.

It is the wait, but it's not the wait.

It's this, it's the, it's you get online, you wait, and then somebody's like, oh my god, it's cute.

And then before you know it, that entire

an hour of pictures it's an hour of pictures and it's an hour of make a video it's an hour so much so that I'm like I just got to go because the five minute millennium falcon ride isn't worth the hour and a half of fucking meet and greets that I'm doing like when I'm here with one other person by the way so so they're standing there not talking to me while while they're getting pushed out of the way how could you hold the camera and take a picture of it you know what I mean like it's it's just a have you considered like remember the cop-out premiere with Willis he had those security guards like you can't even talk to them and just, like, push people out of the way.

You've got a couple big security guards.

I'm not comfortable with that either.

Start beating the shit out of people.

No, I'm not comfortable with that.

Like, I'm not comfortable with telling people.

When did you feel like such an asshole?

I would feel like the biggest asshole.

But I still have to deal with my reality, which is like, I don't want to stand in the hot fucking California sun, ignoring my friend, talking to strangers for an hour.

Like, I just can't do it.

So,

so I went on a single ride of line and I skipped the other ride entirely because it was so long.

Yeah.

So, Walt's super happy about that.

There is, I got to agree.

Like, I love that, like, your different ways of getting to the front of the line.

I love that.

But there is something nice about your famous friend going up and being like, what is life but one red carpet being rolled the fuck out?

I mean, not this time.

Not this time, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Universal Hollywood horror nights the night before?

Might as well have owned the park.

This way, Mr.

Quinn.

Oh, Oh, you like Ghostbusters?

You want to go again?

Wait, wait, everybody, wait.

Quinn wants to go through, and we want to give him enough time in the front and enough time in the back so that nobody bothers him with going through the thing.

And I'm like, damn.

Karma, cunt.

Karma, karma.

Right.

Look, I am 100% saying if I waited on the Ghostbusters line for two fucking hours and some fucking douchebag from a third-rate show on a fucking basic cable network breathed right in, I would be like, fuck

mother, fuck, fuck him.

I get it.

I'm 100% on board.

Yeah, man, those workers got to fucking deal with the fallout of you of letting you in early.

They have a riot on their hands.

What's the difference, though, between, say, you and someone who would walk in being like, of course I should.

Like, say, one of the real housewives or like any number of these reality stars.

Well, at least Buddy doesn't seem like an entitled asshole.

What are you fucking talking about?

He got pulled over and was

telling cops that he was he could get.

He's like, I could barely get this cake in the van.

Yeah, I'll get you killed of the fucking cake.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm the cake boss.

Yeah, you thought you were a fucking old-school gangster.

No, I couldn't.

Instead of a fucking baker.

I tried to use that.

People are like, eating cake does not make you a boss.

I think the difference is like I take, like, I take my lumps and I just walk away.

Like, I don't go.

I can't imagine you pitching a fit.

I can imagine you be like, motherfucker.

Yeah, that's it.

Because I'm not going on the ride.

Yeah, that's what it is.

And I'm like, all right, let's go to fucking Pirates again because I can get on that ride.

I got juice.

It's fun, though, right?

It's fun trying to convince your friends.

You don't draw shitter out here, Quinn.

No, I do not.

Sometimes the patriarchy loses, right?

Oh, yeah.

Like, that has to make many marginalized and disenfranchised people right there feel good when they're like, Quinn, no, N-O.

Oh, I get that guy, too.

I get that guy

who recognizes who I am.

That's the reason I'm not getting in.

Because, fuck this guy.

And I get it.

It's not that I don't get it.

If you were working there, you would be that guy.

If I were working there, I'm always nice and I always fucking tip.

Yeah.

I always tip.

Like

whenever I can tip, I do.

I'm never the guy that's like, fuck you, fuck this, fuck that.

But I get it.

I get it.

I get it.

Go home.

You know, like from here on out, you can, instead of a couple dollars, maybe you slide them some Q condens, you know, as a loan.

Yeah.

You're like, here, get some puss on me.

Yeah.

And they're like, well,

or whatever, you know, you're not saying strictly it's for me.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, if you want to butt fuck a guy, go ahead and do it.

Just, can I pretend I'm on solo for five fucking seconds?

You do whatever you want.

Did you build a lightsaber?

Dude, the line.

I'm telling you, the line for everything was, well, all you could do is walk through the land and look at things.

So it's the complete opposite of what they said.

Complete opposite of what they said.

Completely.

Agendas, you know, people have agendas.

So they were pushing a false narrative about that.

It wasn't, it wasn't popular.

So then everybody would go and they'd be like, oh, I'll get right to the front of the line.

Like I'm Brian Quiddo from practical jokers.

So you think it was Disney was pushing it to get people to come?

No, I know.

That's deep.

That's a conspiracy theory.

I know that's not true.

I know there were problems.

I've been listening to a lot of Art Bell recently, too.

I think I might be losing my mind.

Tell us people.