#420: The Brothers Grimm(Er)

You guys get crazy when you got together?

Is that like, you know, go out and raise hell?

Is crazy them going out without inviting me?

Then yeah, they're wacky as hell.

Then they're nutty.

Why do you want to go?

Why don't you tell your friend, like, let's go somewhere where we can talk and catch up, not listen to the fucking funkadelic sounds of whoever the fuck this is?

Not until he got Derek to check his nuts.

Get up in there and I prostate, boy.

I don't care for a gunny.

It doesn't really work this way.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve, Dave.

Possibly.

This could be on Patreon, Walt.

We don't even know.

I think this could be a regular one when we don't have Q in the seat, like you need an emergency pod.

You have this one holstered.

You can plug it right in.

It's the all-family pod.

You've got

Johnson's on one side and

father and son on the other.

Walton get them.

And then my brother Eric is here from California.

Parents get real impressed, like they want to impress upon other people like, oh, my son lives in California.

Like moving to another state is impressive unto itself.

I think it sounds like it has a connotation of achievement.

Just even leaving the state is an achievement.

Right.

Like your kids are not constantly within your sight.

Well that they escaped and come back still.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In our home,

leaving the house is an achievement for most of us.

Yeah.

And not just Eric, someone who has it on in a long time.

I mean, I know the last time, I don't know if you guys remember, but I remember the last time.

Mary Beth asked me, and I thought it might have been the live show we did.

Remember, we did that live show when you were there in Houston?

No.

No, he appeared on a Christmas episode and somebody ate pudding.

Sunday Jeff had to eat pudding.

Sunday Jeff.

But Darren

was part of that.

I don't remember what aspect, but I know

it was a good episode, too.

So every episode he's been on has been fucking $10.

Right.

So we bring him on once every five years, and he fucking turns his bitch out.

But yeah, Darren, you're here for people who don't...

who didn't listen to the Christmas special or whatever show that was.

It wasn't Houston, Houston.

It wasn't the one where we talked about it.

No, No, it was like Dallas.

Oh, is it Dallas?

Yeah, I think so, right?

Another

show.

Very early on.

But yeah, Little Bro Darren.

How old are you now?

42?

42.

Just turned 42.

Did you get our voice message, me and Sage?

Yep.

All right.

I was camping.

Yeah, you like to camp.

He's one of these.

You're the only Johnson that likes to camp?

Eric camps.

Oh, yeah.

You don't like to camp.

Bri, you don't like to camp, huh?

I'll camp if it's like at a cabin or something.

I don't like a a tent and sleeping on the ground.

You do it like the old school, like in a tent.

So

stick him out of the pup tent.

Is Brian

the most feminine of the three brothers in terms of not like, you know, being very.

You're talking about sucking cock, but definitely not.

Silk panties.

He's about the softest of the two bros.

Yeah, he likes his.

If somebody's going to bail from the wilderness and head to like a resort, it's 100% going to be Brian.

You think, huh?

Yeah.

I don't know if that's a fair assessment.

I don't think you're not against camping.

You gone, you've taken Sage.

I've got trying to take Sage.

I've never taken Sage.

Tracy took her once and then somebody got sick.

Yeah, she got sick.

And I don't I think maybe she went one other time.

She went like that

wolf.

Wolf.

Oh, wolf.

Wolf Lodge.

That is not camping.

No, no, no.

No,

they camped outside the place.

They didn't go to to the, like, they only went to the water park.

Yeah.

It could have been.

I'm not even sure.

There's nothing camping about that Wolf Lodge.

I mean, that is a result.

No, I mean, it was the.

No, no, no.

They camped nearby.

They did not.

Oh, showing me footage of Darren back in the day.

Sunday camp.

No, they went to a nearby campground and just went for the day to go on the water and things.

And they went for like three or four days.

It rained, like, poured every day.

It's like, that's the kind of shit I don't want to deal with.

That, bugs, all the other.

I was like, I don't know.

Yeah.

How do you deal with the bugs when you go camping?

I must taste like ass because they don't, I don't get tons of mosquito bites.

Flies don't, like, I just have an unenjoyable skin or whatever.

Or blood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got, I had, we went to Guatemala and my friends were like destroyed.

Their whole backs like covered like they had a like a rash or like anything that wouldn't slap leprosy or something.

And they were all loaded with the bug protectant, and I didn't wear it at all.

He must give out some sort of natural pheromones.

There you go, some pheromones going on.

What about them, Doc?

What do you think?

Is he this ass smell that he emits?

It's on his dating profile.

It must taste like ass.

And must is underlined.

So it's like, where's the inflection here?

But he definitely is probably the manliest of the Johnsons.

I mean, he will even camp in the snow.

I don't think it all comes down to that.

Not really.

I mean, I do like backpacking, so I'll go out for a few days.

No, we're with

a couple people.

The longest trip I've ever done is 55 miles.

How many days?

I think it's

in four.

Okay.

It was up in New York around.

I want to say it was a

candlestick skill

legs or something.

Could you do Everest?

No.

No.

I would have no interest

in doing that.

Yeah, you look ripped.

I haven't seen him in a long time.

He looks like a Charles Atlas, you know, like he's wearing a leopard skin bikini under the shirt.

He looks great, though.

He's got his guns out.

He's got his barrel chest going.

Like, if you said,

I'm going to do Everest this year, I'd be like, Sam, you look like you're going to be a good person.

I bet if I actually took my shirt off, you'd be like, he won't make it to the basin.

He's not going to make it through the airport.

The sharp was way good this year.

He's like, and as as soon as I get some scissors, I'm going to take my shirt off.

So, yeah.

Darren's 42.

Eric, you just turned, what, 43?

43.

43.

And you are 50.

51.

51.

51, yeah.

Soon to be 52.

It won't be that long.

Won't be that long.

It won't be that long.

When do you refer to yourself?

Do you still call yourself 50 or are you just like, do you?

I just say 50.

Yeah.

I'm stopping counting at 50.

Is that our 29?

Yeah.

Like, it should have been 49, so we weren't 50.

I don't mind saying 50, but I'm not going to mention.

Like, if when I'm 53, I'm going to be like, yeah, I'm 50.

I'm just going to say I'm 50.

No matter how long it goes.

You're 80, you're like, I'm 50.

Then when I'm 60, I'll say I'm 60, but then until I'm 70, I'll just say I'm 60.

I'm 50, closer to 60.

Was there anything that came along with turning 50?

You don't strike me as the kind of guy that would be like, oh, man, I can't believe it.

Yeah, it's just all about

ignoring it and not even acknowledging it.

Did you have one of those parties?

That seems to be working for Gimma.

Did you have one of those parties where everyone got you stuff from Spencer's, like the Over the Hill stuff?

Nope.

Nope.

We don't acknowledge birthdays other than just, you know, like a birthday cake, but we don't dwell on the age or the number.

Just the number.

Well, of course your daughters don't.

They're

teenagers.

What about does she care?

Even when you get to our advanced age, no one wants to acknowledge

our mortality.

You don't want to acknowledge it, and you're just like, give a fuck.

Who wants to hear me complain about it?

Nobody wants getting old and shit.

It sucks.

So when was the last time all three Johnson brothers were able to hang?

Yesterday at Pems during a barbecue.

Well, before that.

I really tried to start a fight, and it just nothing took, man.

No, it's all based.

Yeah, you just came to visit, right?

Yeah.

Did you guys get crazy when you got together?

Is that like, you know, go out and raise hell?

Is crazy them going out without inviting me?

Then, yeah, they're wacky as hell.

Then they're nutty.

Because I find out, I'm like, hey, Pam, where's Eric and Darren?

I know Eric's here.

They're like, oh, they went to New York without you.

It's not like you have a lot to do.

Like, you can drop into pretty much do it.

I got nothing but free time.

You know?

If I went up there just to walk around the city, maybe I run into them.

If you could see that invitation, brah, you want to go?

Where?

New York?

I don't know.

I go to New York once a week now because I do a show with E-Rock.

I go up there to see Jiggy sometimes, BQ.

You know?

So you're

a native New Yorker almost.

Dude, I'm a big appler.

Anyone else Bridge and Tunnel people?

It sucks.

I hate New York.

Why did you diss Big Bro?

Yeah, well, how?

No, he's going to say no.

There's no way I'm going to say, hey, do you want to go to New York to see a band and my friends that you don't know that well?

Is that what you did?

Yeah.

Oh, damn, I wish I knew.

And there's no way he's going to say yes.

What kind of drugs?

Do you want to look at prostitutes?

Maybe we could find a homeless person.

Oh, really?

So it was a, and you wanted to go to that, huh?

Um, do they got any fucking iron to pump when I'm there?

Now it's a climb.

Yeah.

Who wants to talk about it?

Mike, I've met those guys.

You'd met them?

Yeah.

A couple times.

At the gym.

What kind of music was it?

It was like some funk band that my friend liked.

He wanted to see.

I didn't really know him.

I just wanted to go see my friends.

Oh, I thought your friends were in the band.

That's what I went.

I don't know.

Oh, you went with your friend to see a band that he liked?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's why you know I asked me.

That's why.

But I should have the opportunity.

I'm going to fucking make fun of you for doing it what you want to do while you're here in church.

You in case you're here.

And what you want to do, you're just going to have him fucking criticize.

Yeah, and he's like, Should I ask him to go?

No, he'll ruin it.

He'll just ruin it.

He's like, I come all the way from across the country.

You can't take two hours to go see some shit band.

I'm fucking obligated to say, Why do you want to go?

Why don't you tell your friend, like, let's go somewhere where we can talk and catch up, not listen to the fucking funkadelic sounds of whoever the fuck this is?

I mean, we're talking and we're having a good time.

You're shouting, though, right?

You have to talk louder than normal when you're at a

going to see a band.

We went out to some bars afterwards.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Tide went on.

Did you guys get out of here?

Darren Johnson, do you like when you guys go out to bars if do you guys like, do you guys like, like, do the other, like, do you look, pick somebody out, like, oh, maybe some other people, like, we're going to fuck with those guys tonight?

Or is it low-key?

Well, if Darren picks it, we don't because we're at Chippendale's.

We don't want to get our asses kicked.

Or is it much more low-key with the brothers' reunion?

I think if anybody's going to start shit with somebody else, it's not me and you.

Yeah.

There's another guy who, after that one-tipping-point drink, is like, it's everyone's fault.

Maybe not as much anymore.

Yeah, back in the day, you might have been an angry young man.

You don't go to the bars anymore and tear it up?

See, back in the day, I was pissed off when I couldn't score a chick, so I just wanted to bust somebody's fucking head open at the end of the night because I was pretty sure.

It doesn't sound like the buster, not a bust ahead.

Exactly.

It doesn't sound like final statements from so many mass shooters.

It was about the release of testosterone.

Yeah?

So you, but yeah, so maybe I don't have as much testosterone anymore, but um.

Pickyoon shit.

Stuff that wasn't even worth addressing.

You can say that you've been in some legitimate bars.

I mean,

brawls?

Only like maybe two where there's more than just a couple people scrapping.

You lived in Texas for a while.

You never got into the whole bar, never brought into it.

Texas is like

they're loaded with state police.

Don't they have guns?

In their bars, yeah.

Everybody's carrying.

Yeah.

Well, not the

pretty much they all have them in their cars, not in the club.

They could go to their bar.

There's a gun, right?

Yeah, they're still in the car.

They'll fight in the bar, not outside.

Let's take this outside.

No.

Nobody ever pulled a gun on me in Texas.

Yeah, I got into plenty of verbal scrapes down there.

Yeah, because everybody's a loud man.

Now, why is it that the Johnsons are prone to verbal scrapes?

Shit, I should have brought Ed Green to answer this.

Because I feel like, in Owen, your brother here, it's things like it's a...

It's a daily occurrence.

I'll tell you an anecdote in just a minute after he answers this.

Now, do you find yourself being in a lot of verbal arguments with people?

Not like these guys.

No, I'm.

He's been kicked out of restaurants, though, for causing the problem.

Like, in his town, he's permanently kicked out of a restaurant.

Get the fuck out of me?

Not

mad at a waitress because

I had a $50 bill and they charged me something like $250

by mistake.

They charged me for somebody else's.

And then she came back and she was like, well, I have to charge you again

like for my regular meal.

And so I got mad and I left, but I didn't get kicked out.

So you want, so she made this.

And I yelled, I got to go.

You got banned.

Your wife told us you got bailed.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So

you wanted the meal for free because she messed up?

No, I just didn't want to pay another $50.

Well, what happened was

he gave her the credit card.

The lady accidentally charged the wrong bill.

So now it's, but it's a debit card, right?

And he was like a poor student.

He wasn't fucking

daddy warbucks doctor yeah over here um so the lady's like okay

i accidentally charge it but i when i refund it it's going to take a couple days to go back into your account

i'm going to need it again for your meal now and he's like what the fuck why don't you just take leave difference yeah the difference yeah refund the difference you would think that's what they would do right and but you're not dealing with

it and so i got mad and then the guy at the table next to me was like oh why don't you leave her alone so i was like why don't you shut the fuck up oh

He's the guy.

He's the guy.

I didn't think you were like that.

He's the guy that I'm.

I'm teaching you.

And I was like, shut the fuck up.

I didn't think you

were the more reserved and

docile Johnson.

That's what I am most referred to as docile Johnson.

If somebody interacts with me in that sort of way, I can't

sometimes.

So the Johnson, the Johnson's

hair on the back, just rises, and

you can't stop it.

Johnson hackle activate.

The Johnson gene starts taking over the other cells.

Yeah, it's kind of like an all-or-nothing thing.

So you just go all in.

And you got banned from the restaurant.

No,

I just choose not to show my face around there anymore because the whole thing was just like, why am I going to spend my money there?

Okay.

I remember getting banned, which was backed up by your wife, who was embarrassed of you.

Yeah, she was pretty upset.

And as long as it was Mother's Day.

Oh, wow.

And your three sheets did away?

No, I wasn't drunk at all.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

You took your wife off on Mother's Day.

And it only cost you $50?

I was poor, man.

I didn't really have money.

It's like,

you know, now it's different.

He's 40 years old pulling the poor college student card.

So, yeah.

Yesterday I was in the food town parking lot right by where we live.

And if I go to the pizza place, usually I just go behind the food town and then pull up around there.

So you're not supposed to go back there.

It says do not go back there.

I saw that sign.

Rules don't apply.

Oh, the Johnson.

Not when you're in Johnson.

Nope.

I saw that sign.

I'm like, who put that up?

It's not legal.

Yeah, how do I know it's legal?

But as I'm coming along the side of the building, there's a stop sign, and then I would take a left.

Now, I take the stop sign, and as I'm turning into this left, and it's sort of a narrow, like it's right in front of like a plaza, like a shopping plaza.

So the lanes are kind of narrow, but as I'm turning, some old lady pulls up and she just goes right into the turn, doesn't stop, goes right into the turn, then starts waving her hands at me.

She always hit the side of my car.

And I'm looking at her.

I mean, Sage is in the car with me.

Sage is now conditioned to be like, is this going to be a mild outburst or is this going to be something major?

So she's looking at me.

I'm like, it's all right.

Because I wasn't in a bad mood.

And the lady's waving her hand.

I rolled down the window and I'm like,

what?

And she's like, you could have let me go.

And I said, what are you talking?

I was like, one, you're on my side of the road right now.

She was literally halfway into my lane, so I couldn't even go forward.

I said, secondly, you didn't stop for a stop sign.

I was like, I don't understand.

Where are you right in this equation?

And she's like, you know, you could have just been polite and let me go.

I was like, I was already in the turn.

And she's like, she starts rolling up her window.

I said, go home, go forth, knowing you were wrong.

I was like, lady, you're wrong.

and she's like rolling up the window and driving away at the same time so this is very mild

super mild because i didn't yeah i didn't yeah i'm really trying to not lose it you know i'm trying to do this little sea lioning here and there trolling people

day before i got into an argument with some

hostess lady at her restaurant it's so annoying that because she's

It's like, why are you talking to me like this?

Like, you're doing me a favor by seating me in your fucking restaurant.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You're a hostess at a fucking suburban restaurant.

Do you keep bail money in your Jeep just so that, you know, when you eventually do get arrested, somebody can bail you out?

So either Sage or Mary Beth can bail you out.

What do you mean?

What did she say that was so egregious, though?

Hello.

Yeah, right.

Walked on the front lease.

She'd fucking squeak.

Hello.

No, it was right across the street.

And I go over, I was like, hey, table for two.

And she's like, like, inside or outside?

I was like, outside.

She's like, all right, it's going to be like a 20-minute wait.

And there's a table open.

I said, what about that table?

Totally like thinking maybe she didn't see it.

I wasn't like an asshole.

And she looks up at me as if I'm the biggest fucking moron on earth.

And she's like, there's a waiting list.

And I was like, all right, where are they?

And she's like, I called them.

I said, oh, okay.

I said, so can I put my name on the list?

I'm just going to go home and relax.

And then you can call me and I'll just come and get my table then.

Because I'm like, fuck you.

Fuck you, bitch.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to like that, you stupid little twat?

Do you agree with this?

Does this make you, does this get the same response from you?

Absolutely, 100%.

That would irritate the living shit out of me.

It's like, who are you condescending to?

I don't understand.

Like, I didn't do anything wrong.

I wasn't an asshole.

I'm always polite to people.

Same response from you?

No, because I understand how restaurants work.

Well, you could just take off and be like, hey, I'll be back when I'm back.

And if any fucking stupid asshole who fucking comes here all the time shows up and wants to eat, just tell them to wait.

That's not the way restaurants work.

The way it works is that it is, though, now.

You

give your cell phone number, then they, so you don't have to stand there.

So you can.

But even if it does work that way,

it could have been.

This is how easy it is.

And I'm not a customer relations guy.

This is how easy it is, though.

It's just like, oh, you know what?

We have a waiting list that, you know, we'll text people.

So if they're not here in 10 minutes, you know, that'll be your table.

So like, it's that simple.

Most telling is that when you started telling the story, I thought you were talking about dinner tonight because you got mad at the hostess.

I did grab her tonight.

I forgot about that.

There seems to be some common denominator.

Was I wrong to be annoyed by her?

I mean, it's like, why does everyone have to have such a cunt attitude?

And it's her.

She's chucking a ball of sunshine.

But no, what?

It's her job to be.

There's literally, we go into the restaurant, there's not one person in there aside from us, right?

She sits us right in the middle at a table, and I was like, hey, can we get a booth?

Immediately with the fucking face.

And even before that, I'll go so far as to say, stupid, nobody likes sitting in the middle.

When you go to a restaurant, do you like sitting in the middle?

No, you don't.

You want to fucking.

Who does it make?

Do you want to sit in the middle of the restaurant, be all exposed, or just hang back?

Exposed.

Who the fuck are you, fucking sunny fucking gangster?

Sunny Crillion?

Maybe.

I heard

you leave the gun.

Take the cannoli.

I said to him.

I heard an expression once.

If you run into a county hostess in the morning,

if you run into a county hostess every day.

Yeah.

I might be the county hostess.

I didn't misread it, though.

She had an attitude, right?

Now, whether or not I decide to address that is the question.

I always decide to address it.

I mean, she's probably told that she shouldn't do that.

And that's why she was probably upset, you know, a little bit.

Oh, yeah, that doesn't matter.

She did give a little bit of a, like not happy, but we got exactly what we wanted.

Yeah, so that's all that matters.

But I mean, I didn't go on and on about it.

You know, I actually, I forgot about it.

I forgot it.

Maybe for like a minute or two.

But like, I forgot about it until right now.

I wouldn't have cited that.

The other girl, I'm just like, you got to be fucking kidding me with this girl.

So, why do you think your mother gave birth to three powder kegs?

Because she married me.

Yeah.

I don't know if I was born a powder keg, but I I was certainly nervous one.

All our nicknames are TMT one.

I don't know.

So you trace this all back to living with a father who had an ex, I guess some would say, an explosive

child.

I mean,

if, like, say it is my nature, which is possible.

People are assholes.

People are nice.

People are whatever.

So say it is my nature.

Having Edgar as a father

was about the worst thing you could do for a child with that nature.

That's not the shepherd you're looking for.

Yeah.

Would you say you were living in a powder keg and throwing off sparks?

Essentially.

Has your father, though, mellowed as he's gotten older?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so there's so you probably.

Especially after his cancer treatment with those

hormone pills or whatever the hell they had him on.

Oh, this is a group of fat tips back.

Oh, damn, I got confused.

No one, you never revealed this.

Yeah, I didn't know if it was my place.

It was my place, I guess.

I actually kind of forgot about it, to tell you.

Oh, my God.

But

he's better, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think he's better.

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, well, I never trust him to tell me the truth because I feel like

he would tell Eric the truth because he knows Eric wouldn't say anything.

But he has this thing.

That's how he gets Eric to check his nuts.

Get up in there and not prostate, boy.

Get up cancer again.

It doesn't really work this way.

See, I see it does.

I seem to think you would ask him for the free second opinion.

Oh, man, I had a good question.

I forgot.

Oh, my God.

There's just so much going on to so many things I want to ask, though.

All right, let's all take a deep breath.

Let's all just comment.

The cancer thing.

What year would this be?

Shit.

What is it like

four years ago?

Four or five years ago.

It was longer than that.

Would you

six years ago?

Well, can you reveal what it was, or would that be to

invasion of privacy?

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

All right.

I don't know.

Nobody would care or listen or otherwise.

Yeah, probably.

And that's a pretty serious one to beat, right?

Yeah.

He's very prolapse Danus.

He was walking around the house without pants on.

Drag it all over the floor.

No, seriously,

this is not one that a lot.

Some people say, come to this one.

Yeah, so it's true.

I mean, it's hard to catch because a lot of males don't want to screen for it and

they don't want to get their prostate resected because then you get erectile dysfunction.

That's why it's hard to tell who's the manliest Johnson because we're all like, I'd rather have cancer than have a finger in my ass.

I'm straight, goddammit.

So, but he's he's all good now.

Yeah, he's in remission.

He has to go back every six months just to get scanned, just to make sure it's still that length.

So he says the treatment, though, as calming him down.

He was calming down beforehand, but that shit sapped him.

It took him

real aggressive and

weirdly

morose and suicidal.

Yeah.

So is that because you're feeling that you're going to get sick and get sicker, maybe?

And you don't want to.

I think it might have been the meds.

That's possible.

That's what the meds had to do.

So, yeah, you basically want to stop a person's testosterone, really, so the cancer doesn't continue to grow.

And then he had radiation, and he had all this.

Yes, and the medication is

very draining.

You would think he had radiation when we were kids when he hulked out on us all the time.

I don't know.

I mean, when he first told me, I thought he actually almost sounded happy.

Like, oh, you know how it goes.

Like, I got my ticket.

I'm just going to sit here and wait.

Now, what was your mother's reaction to this?

She must have been horrified terrified, right?

Yeah, you know,

she was on match.com two hours later.

She wasn't a ball of tears like I thought.

She was just like, we got to encourage him to get treatment.

Because at first, he was like, I don't think I'll do the treatment and those types of things.

And I'm like, why wouldn't you?

It's like the prognosis isn't that bad if it's caught early.

John Wayne didn't.

Look at how he turned out.

Yeah.

So, but he decided to do it, and now everything's fine.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

But, I mean, so

the outlook for you guys, though, is unless you get cancer, you guys are still going to remain

angry and explosive.

I guess so.

That's the only hope for hostesses everywhere is if I get cancer.

I mean, we're all at increased risk now.

Because Edgar?

Yeah.

Damn it.

Fuck.

So that's like one thing.

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No kidding.

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Yeah, because

I got a blood test recently.

And when I went to the urologist today, he was like, oh, yeah, this PSA is kind of high.

And

it's associated with prostate cancer.

He's like, so I got to check.

And then he's like, then he thinks it's an aberration or something wrong with the test because he's like, I don't feel anything.

He's like, like last was that there he's ultra handwritten yeah

he wrote them on my acid pen

doing equations no he's like last or two months ago it was normal now it's this high he's like that's not the way it goes that's not the way it happens really yeah so I got to get it he's like it can be any number of things riding a motorcycle too much he said can do it

because I guess you're balancing on here yeah he's like especially with a dildo in your ass while you're riding it

because I guess like the jarring, the jarring of the

butthole or whatever.

Is that the medical term?

Well, I mean,

I'm not a urologist, but PSA.

I know you want to be a proctologist, but that kicks you out for being too eager.

The PSA level was stopped.

They stopped using it to monitor for screen or screen for prostate cancer because of too many false positives.

Too many variables.

Yeah, and so a lot of people are getting their prostate resected.

Then they all had erectile dysfunction.

And so then

did Edgar have all the research?

He didn't have to have resection.

Oh, yeah, that means that you go in and you cut the prostate.

Oh, right.

But what about the other thing?

Did you milk it for him?

As a doctor?

I mean, he should really be followed up closely.

Did you tell him?

Did you tell him that Edgar had prostate cancer?

Yeah, okay.

So.

Yeah, we had a good chuckle for a while.

He's like I don't even know the guy the way you tell the story.

I mean come on

Wow this guy

Yeah,

I know Darren's like hey you want to hear some other shit that's fucked up

I Missed out on a bit you probably didn't go either.

It was a big family breakfast this morning.

Oh yeah, you didn't go right you went to work I had to work

you went.

How was it?

How do you like coming back and visiting the family?

Like, I hardly ever see anyone because everyone just seems so close and so

you kind of really don't want to visit them.

But like when you come back, do you drive around and look at the things that have changed since you were here last?

I mean, a little bit.

I mean, mostly you're just running around seeing people for like a lunch or this or that.

Or shitty rock shows.

You know, being like, this might be the last time I ever see you at this point.

Why?

Because

PSA reasons.

Yeah, you know, PSA.

I was like, you were talking, I know, when you were talking to your friends, you wouldn't say that, right?

No, I mean, because then it sounds like it's about you, not me.

I mean,

dude, the doctor tells you, aside from that, PSA, he's like, you're in perfect health.

Your blood pressure, he's like totally, totally normal.

Every single level, he's like, it's right where it should be.

So I'm sticking around for a while.

Good.

Knock wood, otherwise, I'll probably get into a crash on the way home.

Like, this healthy motherfucker died?

Damn.

Yeah.

So, I mean, it's, it's,

these guys live right next to each other.

They don't talk to each other probably.

And

as soon as I got my bike put back together.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But it doesn't seem like there's like an ocean between Highlands and Port Monmouth for some reason.

Does it feel like there's an ocean?

Yeah.

Like, do you go to see your mom that much or does she mostly come to see you?

Do you see me?

Yeah, so it's not like...

I don't think it's the same dynamic that that you have with your parents.

I don't know.

I went to your house for Christmas, and you and your mom were kind of

at odds, ready for some pisticuffs.

They're all quite, yeah, it's weird.

Like, we went

a couple weeks ago, a month ago, me and Mary Beth and Sage drove out to Ohio.

I did a con out there, and we went to Mary Beth's.

We visited with her parents.

We rented a cabin.

It was me, Sage, Mary Beth, and then her parents were there in this big cabin.

And yeah, the way they interact, I'm like,

you look at them like a dog.

Exactly.

I'm like,

what exactly is going on here?

They say I love you to each other?

Yes.

You don't have to do this because I'm in the room.

Exactly.

Normal.

What are you doing?

Why are the plates on the table?

No, yeah, it's really weird to watch.

And even like, yeah, you and your mom, like, everybody's laughing and having a good time.

I'm like, but nobody's making fun of each other and no one's calling out grievances from decades ago.

But I would go to your, in the 80s,

I spent some time at the Johnson household.

I would come up.

I never saw,

to me, it looked like a very

fucking 50s sitcom kind of

household.

That's how I saw it.

With an occasional, like, you know,

a little dust up, but not without, went out without warrant.

I always felt that like Edgar was right in the fucking

dust up.

What did you think was going to happen?

Fuck, you walked up.

Help me up.

I mean, dude, I think back to the scorpion/slash spider incident.

I'm like, he's 100% right.

Yeah, you were just that hard-headed fucking guy.

I was a jerk off.

I was a total jerk off.

Jerkoff.

Young guy who wanted, not really rebelling, but just, you know.

Rebelling enough.

Where you're like, I'm going to keep my pet and not pay my phone bill.

As opposed to like, I'm in this gang, and if you don't like it, we'll burn the house down.

Yeah, it wasn't anything super rebellious like that.

Some of the shit, yeah, it was definitely my fault, but

his shit was like hair-trigger temper.

Suddenly, I mean, like, you're a kid.

You're 12, and suddenly you say the wrong thing.

And it's not like I started making wise-ass remarks when I was 18.

So you do it when you're a kid.

I was honing my act.

And I'd get attacked.

I remember getting kicked in the back.

I wasn't even expecting it one time.

Like, I remember when

Walt likes to contest this, but when he really didn't have a lot of money, we were rich before these two came along.

Oh, you know, really, yeah, then suddenly

the addition of the two youngest Johnsons put a damper on the party.

Yeah, you never saw a 10-year-old so in favor of Roe versus Windows.

But, you know, whatever.

But there were so many contributing factors.

Like, it's the 70s, so smacking your kids around is not that huge a deal.

It's the 70s, so we're in a full recession, almost depression.

It's the 70s.

Edgar, for whatever reason, decides to leave a secure job and start his own company when not that many people are building shit.

And he made a go of it for a while.

But it was just like not the time to start a business.

So he was like all these things.

It's like, it doesn't add up to him being like, he wasn't a hippie.

The guy was going to go to military school before Pam was like, oops, I guess I'm pregnant.

And

the burden came along.

Pre-Row versus Wade.

So I'm sure at that age, there's resentment.

It has to focus somewhere.

And if you can't turn it inward, you know, you look at the kid, you're like, you're a pain in the ass.

And I think about like, if I were 21 or 22 and had a kid, I wouldn't be a good parent.

You know, I'd be a shitty parent.

I don't know if I would explode like that on the kids, but I don't know that I wouldn't.

Like, if I get mad, usually it's property destruction.

You know,

Sage is there sometimes.

Darren is over there.

Is that one of the things that you have had to like get out of the property?

You got to destroy shit so you don't destroy the person.

You know, you gotta, you're so fucking mad.

It's like something's gotta break.

And we wonder why Edgar went into construction.

Yeah, that's ironic.

That's where I learned it.

Yeah, so

that has to go somewhere.

So for me, it's like anytime,

like I've never hit Sage, and I ask her sometimes, I'm like, anybody ever hit you?

Right.

And who do you think is going to say yes, though?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I'm asking her.

I'm not asking random people.

No, like, I asked her.

I know you're asking her, but who

is a possibility that would hit her, though?

Another child, you mean?

Another kid, or, you know,

her sister used to smack her hand when she was younger.

Oh, okay.

Like, she'd be like, oh, she's cursed.

And I'm like, you can fucking hardly tell what the kid's saying.

So it's not a curse.

You know, she's like six, seven years old.

So every once in a while I'll ask her, but you know, she always says, I just want to make sure she's all right.

Can I ask a question to each of you?

Because I feel like most

kids know.

I don't know if it's too uncomfortable, but.

I already know what you're going to ask.

I already have my answer.

But who do you think is the favorite out of the four of you guys?

You want me to answer for?

Well, yeah.

Well, it's me.

Do you want the fucking answer?

Yeah.

they have told me.

They told me several times today.

Do you agree with that?

No, I don't.

No.

By process of elimination, already I've said it's not him.

It is clearly not my sister.

So I'll be between me and Darren.

And I would have to say it's Darren.

I think Darren is the best.

Yeah, he's the baby.

He's the baby.

And do you agree with that?

No, I still think Eric's the favorite.

Yeah.

Do you?

Well, at least I still think they're the most proud of him.

Followed probably by Brian, although Edgar has his bizarre ways of showing it.

But the doctor thing, the status thing is like huge, like that.

And in dad's mind, I think it's

like a real serious accomplishment.

More so than podcasting.

Well, that's like, I think that's something he doesn't, he can't understand, maybe.

So

were you driven, though, to become a doctor to get that love?

Or to put it in Edgar's face.

No, not.

Or to try to figure out what was going on.

I mean, I think maybe I'm not the favorite.

Maybe they're just like relieved more.

Like, it's just a sense of relief.

Like, um.

Somebody made something of themselves.

Yeah.

So, um, just because I've always kind of followed a relatively normal path, regular path, let's say.

Oh, like, we fucking did it.

Let's get him.

Yeah, I have like a Joe job in fucking construction.

Talk about a normal path.

But you've had a lot of other jobs beforehand where I've kind of had a more linear type of life.

He's an academic over here, you know.

Yeah.

He's always going to school or he's like one of these lifetime students.

Oh, life is an education move.

Yeah, fucking idiot.

What's that get you?

Wow, I didn't think.

I mean, that was insanely quick, though.

It was really.

He knows something I don't.

Evidently, you know it too.

It was the banner at breakfast this morning.

Eric's our favorite.

I think Pam,

in any given moment, her favorite could shift.

It's whoever she's with, and she'll talk shit about other people.

Oh, she'll do that to the boys.

Yes, for sure.

She'll do it to all four of us.

My mother would never do that to me, to my sister.

I mean, I don't know, but like, she has never, ever spoken about my sister in a way that I'll be like, get the hell out of here.

Even like when maybe there was times that she could have,

never once did never talked any shit about her ever how

i'm annoyed with my sister a lot so if i say something she will jump in but i know that when i leave like if my sister comes over she's like oh hey let's have a glass of wine

pino gregio out of a fucking box because we're classy we're classy like that

oh my goodness yeah so

so yeah okay so i guess it is eric's the favorite then i think Darren.

That would be my guess.

They doted on him?

Doted on him, enabled him more than the rest of us.

Really?

Yeah, and you're talking about a drug addict who lived at home at 45.

Do they have a room available?

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

This is get him.

He lives here now.

He's your new son.

Okay, Rent.

I think that Pam, especially, just always is like

on the lookout for Darren.

I think both of them would help us no matter what we needed.

But especially Pam, I think, had a soft spot for Darren.

I mean, I thought dad more so than even mom.

Oh, because he's good at like painting and shit.

Like, Darren's good at mechanics and, you know, all that nonsense that people find valuable.

Yeah.

They do find it valuable, and that's the problem.

It's like, oh, can you fix my car?

We had a barbecue yesterday.

Three different people are on them about fixing their cars.

Is that what's great about being Brian Johnson?

No, you don't have no mechanical ability, so nobody ever asks me.

People are like, who can I call?

I know who not to call.

I post pictures of me destroying shit I've tried to fix.

Look, if I need to take down a wall, I know who to call.

Yeah, just to hammer home, this is not your guy.

Yeah.

Terrible at that kind of shit.

You want me to write some stuff down to insult people?

Yeah.

Give me a call.

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I was asking Eric earlier, like, what's his new milestone, right?

Because me and you haven't really hit a ton, I don't think.

Like, Eric has got.

Maybe not any.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

You have to go.

I mean,

we can both count graduating high school.

No one can take that away from us.

There's proof.

But then, like, Eric went on to college, and then Eric went on to do a whole bunch of like free community service work type shit, like stuff you never want to do, working with people you don't want to know, all that kind of crap.

But then, after that, so he gets engaged, he gets married, he has a kid, he's got a house, he just got a, he's the director of such-and-such over at the clinic, right?

New promotion.

So, there's all these milestones.

So, like, where do you go from there?

Like, what's next?

For him?

Yeah.

Like, where do you get the juice, man?

Maybe a private practice?

No, I'm going to, I work with low-income people.

So I'm just.

I mean, there's.

We do do a private practice.

But so you have no interest in opening up your own private.

I mean, I like helping people out.

And if you do private practice, then it turns the relationship a little bit.

Because they have have to pay.

Yeah, they have to pay.

Most of my patients don't pay because they don't have any money.

Before he sounds...

Yeah, before he makes himself sound too generous,

the state pays.

Yeah, I get paid by the government or whatever.

So it's easier to get the money from the state than worry about having a private practice to get the money.

I mean, I guess so, because you would have to set up your own business and stuff.

And you talk to doctors, and they're like, the insurance companies give you fuck all in terms of like,

all right, I perform this service.

I charge 50.

They're like, we'll give you five.

Right?

That's the way it goes pretty much.

And you have to do kind of like things like you'll people that are successful at private practice will like see people every month, even though they don't have to

just because they can make more money.

Or they can do, they play all these little tricks so they can increase the profit.

And I'm just not interested in that.

Right, so it's not a part of their practice.

What about a book?

Like write a book?

Yeah.

Like write a book about a patient or write a book about your life.

Losing real life.

Or your life.

Also, though, if you did a private practice, me and Darren will run your billing department, right?

Department.

Yeah.

Old department.

Well, what about a book?

I mean, I could, I guess, try to write a book.

It takes a lot of time.

What would you write about?

What about an autobiography, man?

The Eric johnson story eric johnson and it's like uh well what's the what's the angle though is it like how he fought his way up from this fucking ignorant sub-intellect class of people to like stand out

to work with the poor

i mean it's just an interesting journey though you know with a faith with a somewhat famous brother you know it's just the the

i guess the you know just the journey itself i i'm just I'm still reeling from the compliment.

A somewhat famous brother.

I love it.

That's giving me more than I think I deserve.

I love it.

What about you, Darren?

What are your milestones?

You've got no milestones, bro.

Me either.

We're not married.

I'm like.

We don't own a house.

It's true.

Oh, that's right.

You don't own that house.

I would never own that piece of shithouse.

Gonna get one pretty soon, though.

Within a year.

Gonna find a place.

Okay.

It's expensive by us.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I mean, well, you know, you're still relatively young.

I I mean, I wouldn't put pressure, not you, Tony or Darren.

Oh, okay.

I was like, second confident?

I mean, there's

a lot of times for milestones.

And these are society's milestones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those are the ones that count, right?

What, society's milestones?

Yeah.

I mean, if you put a lot of stock in,

you know,

living a completely full life.

Being happy.

You know, all these

things that people get caught up in,

strange concepts, making something of yourself,

being a valuable member to society, contributing, I guess, is what I mean.

But yeah, like, do you feel you're close to getting engaged today?

No, no, yeah, because I don't know that I would ever get married.

I might eternally date the same person, but

why?

You're not a big believer in marriage?

Um,

he's got a play, not really, yeah, no.

Yeah, it's like

sort of

just sort of a religious thing.

Nothing that I was ever like, I want to get married.

I want to have kids.

None of that kind of drive.

If I got married, it would probably just be to satisfy the fiancé's desire to have a wedding or whatever.

Yeah.

I mean, but it's not like it wouldn't change anything for me.

Do you think that you will,

I mean,

if not now, when?

Yeah, I mean,

it's got it's getting to that point though where it would be like it's most people are on their second to third marriage by now I mean yeah I don't even have that milestone

I mean the clock is ticking brother it is yeah

just before you're like we all like thinking about our mortality it's like oh my god how much longer do you expect to be alive

I just think that like if you do though you're you're setting yourself up for one of those weddings that like you're not going to get like that poor girl also you're not going to get all the things that like a young couple would get.

You know, you're not going to get all that.

Like a can opener and shit.

Just getting started in life.

Yeah, yeah.

They're going to treat you as.

I thought you meant like the breadmakers and the can openers and shit.

Registering.

Yeah,

you're going to get any of that good stuff.

You're just going to get like...

What do I get, you think?

Just like all of them.

He'd be like, he's somewhat famous.

He's got money.

He doesn't need mine.

A $20 bill in the envelope.

Basically, yeah, that's what it's going to be.

And

a wish of good luck.

What more do I need?

Because the only people that are going to be there are people I'm really glad.

I was going going to say, if he invited anybody to go to this wedding,

it might be like six months down the road.

I'm like, oh, fuck, I forgot to tell you guys I got married.

I wouldn't rule it out.

Like, I wouldn't rule it.

Yeah, I wouldn't rule it out.

Wow, that is a statement in itself.

It is, right?

She's a cool chick.

I like her.

So, I mean, I don't know.

But here's the problem.

She doesn't tell me Dave anymore, right?

She doesn't.

So

I'm not obligating myself.

And everybody

be cool, man.

But there is, of course, the big issue.

I could die five years after the wedding, and she's 30, you know, or 35 or whatever.

You're dead, though, so it doesn't matter.

Yeah, it's not really an issue.

No, I know.

You're going to swear her to not remarry?

She's going to jump on the funeral tire.

She had better.

She had better.

She's a horn dog.

I can't die knowing she's going to bring a date to the fucking service, probably.

So I just got to last five years of saying.

So,

well, I mean, I felt that if it gets to the point where she's 35, 10 years from now, she'll age out and I won't have to worry about her anymore.

Age out to who?

To me.

I can't date a 35-year-old.

I thought you were dead in this scenario.

No.

Anything's possible.

So no marriage for you either.

Yeah, probably not.

You had to get married, right?

Like Like you fell under the.

I mean, you wanted to, but even if you didn't,

she would have been like a shitter.

Shit or get off the pot.

Shit or get off the pot.

You have to get married, right?

And you're like,

yes.

You fall under the umbrella of what he was talking about, right?

I mean,

the actual wedding was pushed up to a very inconvenient time, but, you know, because there was like all of a sudden all this fake urgency around it.

Oh, yeah.

With my wife, yeah.

Because I was in medical school and she wanted to throw a big wedding, and it's like, I have no money, so how are you gonna do that?

But I'm arguing over 50 bucks with restaurants,

didn't he come to the wedding?

And yeah, we ended up figuring it out.

Toast, like that was an awesome toast.

Didn't he just say something?

Yeah, I don't think most of the people really understood what was going on because her family is from Nicaragua and they're like,

you know, they just don't understand who he is.

And they're all like fucking eyeing the doors for ice anyway.

I gremba, Eric Hurriel, beat the fouls, man.

I'm going to get fucking deported.

All right, Charlie.

All right.

No,

I think I read some lines, or maybe I did it at a live show, that I wrote but never said because I'm like, even

I can't say this.

I'm like, I know I can't say this.

So some of the lighter stuff.

Yeah, I know.

You know what he said?

Do you know what he said at my wedding?

A ghost?

He tells a room full, and this is a room full of people that I don't know.

Normal people.

I don't even know.

Half of the room I don't even know.

He gets up and tells the room that my wife

saved me and got me off of heroin.

I've never touched a drug in my life.

I believe it was specifically a methadone,

which is which is you're trying to get off heroin.

And that one person laughed or chuckled, and they were.

Give me some credit, except the one table where our friends were sitting at.

And they're like, oh my gosh.

And I was so ignorant of drug use.

I'm like, I don't even know what you...

Methadone.

What does that mean?

I didn't know what it meant.

I had no idea what you were talking about.

I was so ignorant on drug lingo that I didn't even know what you had said.

I remember you saying that.

You're like, I'm like trying to think of what is he saying?

And then

I know it's not something good, and everything starts getting fuzzy.

Yeah, so I know exactly how you felt.

Yeah, you're just like, what is he saying?

Like,

at the very end, though, I pimped the upcoming season of Comic Book Men, which I thought was the most important part of the speech.

Baller right there.

That's how I went out.

So let me ask you something.

If you found $100 on the street, would you pick it up or keep walking?

Of course you'd take the money.

So why do you keep picking winners and not betting on them?

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What?

Let's face it.

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I don't know.

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I wouldn't.

Do the smart thing.

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You can bet on games after a kickoff.

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That sounds like a pussy-ass bet to me.

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You ride it to the end.

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Okay, so it's mybookie.ag

you play, you win, you get paid.

I got to get your opinion on this because I thought I was not wrong in this situation, but I forgot about this.

The other day we were talking about

Mary Beth and I went to our first

kids party with Sage, and then all the parents were there.

And it was like a pool party, and everybody was

just sort of mingling.

There wasn't that many people.

It was a bunch of kids in the pool, and parents were mingling and talking about shit.

And at one point, they're like, I don't know where the pizza guy is.

The pizza should be here by now.

And it wasn't.

And they're like, oh, I'll take care of this.

Well, in a way, in a way,

I got experience with it.

I'm like, oh, there's a problem.

Service industry.

Somebody needs shit.

I'm giving it.

The people at Junior still tremble.

No, they're like, the pizza guy's not here.

Maybe he went to the wrong house and blah, blah, blah.

And then like the two owners of the house walked away into the house.

And then it was just me and Mary Beth because these other ladies had like gone off to talk to their kids or whatever.

And the phone rings.

The landline phone rings.

And

I'm like, I bet you that's the pizza guy.

And Mary Beth is like, maybe.

And so I answered it.

And it was the pizza guy.

And

I was like, hey, man.

I said, if you're looking at the house, go on the left because it looks like you can go on the right, but you can.

So go into the left.

And there's a gate and blah, blah, blah.

And so the kid walks through with the pizza, and Mary Beth is like, Are you crazy?

You can't answer someone else's phone.

And I was like, Why, though?

It's not like it was their doctor and they gave me.

They're giving privacy, though.

They gave me.

But the pizza was public.

But how?

They told everyone we were getting pizza.

But it's not like if it was somebody else, they would have instantly blurted out something sensitive.

They would have thought they got the wrong number and hung up.

Well, they would have been like, yeah, who is this?

Yeah.

I was like, don't ever call here again.

I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but she seemed to think it was like a.

I don't think they even knew I answered.

Was it a cordless phone?

It was a cordless phone.

That's why it was outside.

It does.

Right.

Because you could be like, you could pick it up and start walking, and like after it hits a certain number of rings, you got to answer it.

Otherwise, it's going to go to pizza.

Because it could be the pizza guy.

Yeah.

Or it could be something important.

And then you could.

Keep on the line and go get them and tell them, yeah, this is an important phone call for you.

Right.

Otherwise, did you answer my phone?

It doesn't matter.

Something's important.

Yeah, thankfully, because you go off doing godlows, whatever.

You're welcome.

I'm with Brian.

Phone's unattended.

I'm with Brian on this one.

The landline.

These people had everything.

So, how long are you in Jersey for?

Just till Wednesday.

Just till Wednesday.

What else is on the agenda?

And what have you done so far?

Because I didn't even know he was here yet until like Saturday.

So, yeah, so what did we start?

We went to the Giants game.

Ooh, Chicago.

Brought my.

Yeah.

Who went to a Giants game?

You and Edgar?

And Darren.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We know you don't want to go.

I love you.

You win.

The football.

That is like.

That's the Americana dream right there.

Fathers and sons going to season.

The nuclear family.

That is hard.

All rooting for the same team.

There's a football game in August?

It's pretty.

It's preseason, pre-season.

It must be so hot.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck that.

Wow.

Was it a fun time, I imagine, right?

Yeah, like, I actually got it.

It's great.

It's a preseason game.

He lost his license.

Yeah, I lost his license when I was there.

You lost your driver's license?

Yeah.

Good.

I didn't deserve it.

Why'd you have your license out?

I bought a beer.

They carted you?

They card everyone there.

It's ridiculous.

And I guess.

He's like, are you sure you're 21?

Did you call Austin Family?

Come here, boy.

I just

Smacked him.

Probably forgetting that.

I just, give me that.

I could probably call my father and see if he can find it for you.

Yeah, his father works at Method.

Oh.

Yeah, where were you the other day?

Not being invited twice now.

You know what?

They invite me to shitty breakfasts.

They're like, hey, you want to go get an omelet with the cousins you don't want to talk to?

Oh, yeah.

Definitely.

You got to see a lot of extended family while you're in town?

Yeah, I went and today I saw some second cousins.

Who is the most fringe person that you're like, I could have went without CMM.

And don't say me because I know it's not true.

Like, who's really the most fringe person that you're like, I mean, it wouldn't have changed the trip either way.

Maybe George.

George, yes, it's his boyfriend, the one who reminds me of Giddam.

Like, really?

I said it to him yesterday.

I was like, he really reminds me of Giddem, but like not likable.

Is he better than the last one?

Well, I don't know if it was the last one, but I remember you used to talk a lot about Paul.

Is he better than Paul?

Inasmuch as, like, he's never threatened my nephew's life, as far as I know.

Yeah, I guess he's better.

Didn't you at one point want me want me to set up with your sister?

Did I?

I don't know, maybe.

I thought so.

I doubt I'd do that to you.

Yeah.

Must have been when you still had our URL.

Tell him Steve did a paper.