#410: BM Bounty Hunters

Thank God I got that fucking kissing disease.

I'm going to take off the adult undergarment now.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Thank you.

I want to put you out of your misery.

Sad, sad.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Dave.

Walt, this is a very exciting edition.

We've got 75% of the comic book men here.

Oh, hey, guys.

How you doing?

It's me.

No, Mike.

Appearance by Mike Zapsick.

What's up, boys?

Can we still refer to ourselves as the comic book man?

Formerly the comic book man.

Formerly the comic book man.

Formerly known as the comic book man.

We'll get one of those really weird, like,

I don't know, the symbols.

Well,

we're doing a, we're doing a me and Mike and Ming are doing this show

in Wa Everett, Washington.

No, Polyap.

Polyap.

Polyap.

Polyap, Washington.

I'm probably saying it right now.

Not this weekend, next weekend.

What is it?

14th or something, I think.

So whatever this weekend is, it's not this weekend.

Just looking it up.

Thanks.

But yeah, it's like, we're the comic book men, but not really.

Not anymore.

Or is it like?

If you're a cop, in your heart, you're always a cop.

Yeah, it's like like

you're so synonymous, both of you, with

the roles of Mike and Brian.

People can't think of

Mike and Brian without thinking of Mike and Brian.

You cannot

help but be typecast.

Not in a great way, in a beloved way.

Is that why I'm not getting any more work?

I've been typecast.

I don't know.

You're filming in parking lots all across this great city.

That's true.

Yeah, that is true.

It's the 15th and 16th of the year.

15th and 16th.

It's a fun coming.

And Washington.

Washington.

Long flight.

Yeah.

And it's a long one.

About as long as it gets.

That part sucks.

I was watching.

I went to a casino over this past weekend with Q.

Q, like they did a show, an IJ show.

And

what was I going to say?

I totally fucking just lost.

I totally just lost my train of thought.

Hold on a second.

I'll try again.

Wait, what was I talking about?

You're talking about the show this weekend?

Show this weekend.

Las Vegas?

I don't know.

Where was the casino at?

Casino is in the cat skills.

I don't know why I was bringing up the casino, though.

Because we were going to Polyap, Washington.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, you're misery.

Sad, sad, sad

sample of it.

Thanks for the check, boy.

Easiest 20 bucks I ever made.

Oh, okay.

Now I know where I was going.

Okay, now I got it.

I'm not cutting any of that out.

I've turned doddering.

Serving, bro.

Seriously, that was like a broken street.

That was like a mini-stroke dress right there.

Even his was more fluid.

At least he was bouncing and his eyes were rolling in the back of the head.

You could tell he was alive.

Yeah, I was just like, fuck, what was I talking about again?

Okay, yeah.

So

I went to this casino in the Catskills with

Q and hung out with the guys a bit.

And while I was there, I watched this

show.

It's on MTV and it's called How Far is Tattoo Far?

All right.

Snookie hosts it.

And the show is basically like, you're a couple.

You and Julia go in and you're having some sort of disagreement, right?

And for whatever reason, you've decided we're going to decide on tattoos for for each other.

Okay.

Okay.

Is this like therapy to help with your problem?

I think, like, you know how everyone's been in this situation

with another couple where, like, there's a girl and a guy, and like, one of them will

hamhandedly make a joke about something that, you know, they're not really not quite joking about.

They're looking for you to be a mediator of sorts, you know, like, right, right.

So maybe that's kind of what this is, except

then you have a tattoo to remember it by permanently.

Wow.

Uh, so, like, one of the situations was the

girl, like, it's they're, they're, like, in their mid-20s, early 20s, most of these people.

Uh, the girl is upset that he spends too much time working on his car, and he wants

she wants him to not work on his car anymore.

So then they go away and they get tattoos.

and

hers was like, it was weird.

It was just like some sexy cat or something, but his was and it wasn't like photorealistic, but it was of a guy like sweating and his tongue hanging out, banging his car from behind.

So this guy has this tattoo now, I guess, forever.

He chose that or did the producers choose that?

No, I think the girlfriend had chosen.

Who knows with these shows, but they say the girlfriend chose it, and that's the way it's supposed to go.

So it's a reality show, but

we knowing what's going on behind the scenes know that the producers pretty much picked this out.

The producers could have picked it out.

There was another one where, like, this guy had gotten this girl pregnant.

They're both like 20, and she had the kid, and then she's keeping the kid away from him.

And he keeps saying, you know, you're using him as a pawn, you're using him as a pawn.

So when they get their tattoos,

it's

her tattoo is

a

baby knot, and then like a pawn from a chess piece

and

his was like sperm donor with like all these sperms like on his stomach like hers was huge it was on her leg like almost her full thigh and the dude's was like on his belly but it wasn't like a cool Tupac like ripped absolute bug life shit it was like a big like

jelly belly with like like giant cartoon sperm all over it

does it say like insert sperm here or something like that?

No, no.

If you guys had to, though, bang a car, which car would you bang?

Volkswagen.

Yeah, or like one of those.

You'd go for the Herbie Beetle.

Was Herbie a boy?

Oh, Herbie probably.

Herbie the love bug.

It was a boy, yeah.

Telling.

Yeah.

What color was Herbie?

How did you know it was a boy?

Because he's a boy.

Because his name was Herbie.

It's 2019.

If they remake it, who knows?

I think Herbie was white with a red and blue stripe with the 53 on the hook, right?

Yeah.

I would be 54.

Y'all would think that's the number of guys

who violated Herbie?

Nobody knows who Herbie is.

Who's less sick?

Well, maybe like, I was going to say, maybe the Lindsey Google one, but wasn't that 15 years ago at least?

Yeah, I'd probably take a Mini Cooper.

What's a mini?

Is that like a sleeve?

That's a really

no tiny little thing.

I thought you would want to do something more, a femme car.

Yeah, like a Mazda Miata or something.

Or Q's old laser.

yeah i mean banging a car although people do it right well i can't remember the term for it though like when people marry roller coasters autoerotos

yeah is there um have you ever been in a relationship where you're like all right i'll do this tattoo thing or never not once oh you mean where you would let like someone who because these most of these people were together still okay but the the one with the baby and not well the baby and the one they were like kind of together like they want to be together or like she wanted them to be together and I'm like if you guys are doing this kind of shit putting tattoos on each other that are like offensive and forever oh yeah this is

why fight so hard to be with well you're you didn't have a tattoo prior to Kompukman right no and do you have any tattoos post Kompukman that episode so your only tattoo is no I haven't lost any bets like Ming so I'm good so you so that's that tattoo you got on Kompokman is still the only tattoo you have yeah you haven't felt like you didn't get addicted to the ink no no why do you think

why?

Which is weird because I do have like an addictive personality, so you would

mean it that way.

Oh, yeah, I remember you were a drunk, so I figured you'd probably go that way.

Get drunk on ink, yeah, alcohol, ink.

I just meant you know, like some people like you know, they see it and they like it, and maybe they know they get some more added to their body

little by little, and then before you know it, you got a sleeve.

Actually, I've got uh, my sister-in-law got her first tattoo at, I think, 50,

and

covered.

Well, no, now she's a serum donor.

Yeah, all on the belly.

No, it's but she's got not covered, but she's contemplating like an entire sleeve.

So I'm like, wow.

I think that's the way you have to go if you're a female.

I'm not a big fan of just like the solitary tattoo on a forearm or something, but like if a girl has a sleeve, then I think it looks pretty good.

Yeah.

I'm going to be getting some cover-ups done in not too long.

Amy is going to help me design some shit so I can cover up some stuff.

Amy, she drew the Pinball Twins comic and

the Tell them Steve Dave Town News thing.

Oh, yeah.

How come you're getting cover-ups?

What are you covering up?

I'm going to cover up the Calvin and Hobbs one.

Oh, yeah.

That was,

can I say this?

You can say it.

A former lover.

Former relationship, right?

Was this fire?

So

who was Calvin?

Who was Hobbes?

What did that represent you and your player?

Well, at that point,

is Calvin pissing on Hobbes?

Yeah,

playing basketball.

At the time, I thought I was Calvin, but then it turned out she was a lesbian, so maybe

I was more Hobbs than I thought.

It would explain all the pegging, too.

All right, so

all right, so that's one you're covering up.

And then the tribal touch.

You're getting rid of the tribal.

It's so

the rest of the tribe is dead.

I'm all ex-member.

It's so perfect in its like, you know, its cheesiness.

Yeah.

At the time, I was like,

I need something that's going to express my individuality.

Hey, guys, let's all go down the tattoo part.

Like, we're the same tattoo.

I've seen this one at about, I don't know, a billion people.

But there's your corny.

Make mine look sharp like barbed wire, maybe.

Oh, man.

That's like, I mean, you got to own that.

I mean, that's just awesome.

You can't.

What are you going to cover that up with?

I don't know.

That's what we're deciding on.

Well, I have like the sage tattoo on this arm, so I do want to go with a sleep.

So I want to go up with sort of themed.

And this, you know, the tribal tattoo doesn't really fit that.

Would that be error?

What error would that be?

What stage of your life?

That would have been.

What crisis were you?

2000.

Oh, any number.

Throw a rock.

Post-2001, Zoe's probably upset about that.

Oh, really?

I don't know why.

No midlife crisis.

No, like, I'm like, I got to remind myself I'm not old kind of deal going on.

Yeah, this will

keep me young.

People will respect me when I'm older.

They'll be like, oh, wow, this is like 25.

Look at that.

I never knew that barbed wire could melt.

And it sounded like the Calvin and Hobbes was a much better idea.

No, I've always thought that Calvin and Hobbes, because I've never seen anybody else with Calvin Hobbes.

Have you?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, I don't know.

Although, remember when we first opened the store,

there was that tattoo couple that used to come in.

I can't remember their names.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And

they were talking about tattoos.

And one of the examples they used as shit that they would never do because it's too corny was calfing it off.

Did you even, did you pipe up?

Of course I did.

Yeah.

I was like, really?

I was like, because I thought this might need a few touch-ups.

She apologized.

I was like, I don't care.

Yeah.

Whatever.

I was like, I don't remember that comfort.

You didn't get get a tattoo in Sage Carl.

Wait till you see what I do in 20 years from now.

Oh, man.

So you're going full sleeve, huh?

I'm going to try.

So wait a minute.

So

is that it?

Is that all you're covering up?

The Kalman and the tribal?

Yeah.

So you're going to not cover up the War of the Undead

German.

Yeah, the one that kind of got you pegged as a white supremacist.

You're not going to cover it up well enough?

Fuck no way.

I love that one.

I would get that covered up as soon as I got the sage one covered up.

Like, I really like that.

Yeah, but I mean,

you don't feel it's hurt you maybe in certain social circles?

What social circle?

Okay.

Perhaps, and I'm just unaware of it.

There are future social circles

you may want to go into that may keep you out of because of the tax.

Yeah, I'm like, how do I become a Jew like one of you guys?

They're like, well, first get the swastika off your arm.

No, I don't think there's any social circles.

Because it's not like people am I fucking like, hey, let's go to the party.

Like, I'm not Maxwell where I'm constantly in a sleeveless shirt.

Like, hardly anyone ever sees it.

But let's say the podcasting thing stops and you got to go get a real job.

Okay.

You know,

you're out on an interview.

And, you know.

What am I interviewing for?

Where I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt.

And they're like, well, we usually demand, you know, we have higher expectations of our work.

And the way this world is going, you're going to want to see your social media

and your tattoos.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, they're like, so I'm like, well, this is the last one I show them.

I'm like, first I show them the tribal one.

I'm like, right?

Counting up the classic, right?

Here was 2002.

Everyone was very excited about the tribal tattoo.

You're just like, hey, you want to go get Chick-fil-A?

I mean, like, all the cliches of a middle-aged white guy.

My white Reeboks, my white socks.

What is it, man?

Do you think you're ever going to dress like an old guy?

My daughters think I do.

But you don't, though.

Like, you wear shorts and a t-shirt.

You wear sweats and a t-shirt.

Once in a while, if you feel it fancy, you wear jeans and a t-shirt.

So, like, you're just like, you're like me, like, very sort of anonymous.

No, it's cash.

Casual.

Yeah.

Very casual.

I don't, yeah.

Well, thankfully, you know, I'm very grateful that

I've been able to work almost my entire life without having to have a uniform or have to dress in certain attire.

You know, I mean, that's a that's huge.

You know, I really,

you know, much love to all those people out there who can't do that because I know it must suck, you know, to have to dress up every day and go to work, not be able to

have, like, you know, we have casual Fridays every day at the stay off.

So casual sometimes I get him things he can take his fucking socks off.

Yeah, and Mike's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's not that casual.

Yeah, seriously, man.

But anyway, this tattoo show is hosted by Snookie

and some other guy.

Well, I mean, I mean, he's hanging on, baby, hanging on for dear life.

She's still relevant.

I don't know if relevant's the right word, but I just think, you know, still hanging on to,

I mean, she parlayed, she parlayed her reality show into other

TV shows.

So other TV shows.

She figured it out.

She had merchandise, like she was selling pickle.

She was real into pickles, I guess.

So she was selling pickle fucking

flips and shit.

I don't know.

I never watched Jersey Shore, except maybe once.

I don't know how many times.

And the clip where the guy punched her.

That's the only thing I ever watched about Jersey Shore.

Oh, no, no.

Speaking of tattoos, I'll even give a shout out to a former

co-worker, I guess, our boss, right?

Brian Nishell, showrunner on Comic Bookman.

He's got a new show coming out called

Nichelle's my boss.

He wasn't.

You wouldn't consider him your boss?

No.

He was a cool boss, though.

He was.

No.

He was a cool guy.

He wasn't our boss, though.

He was definitely the boss.

He yelled at us one time.

Why did he yell at us?

He goes,

everybody was looking at their phone, except me.

Yelled at you guys, not me.

He was trying to explain what you guys were going to do that day, and everybody was looking on their phone, and he kind of yelled at everybody.

I don't recall that.

Yeah.

He fucking laid down the fucking phone.

But ultimately, if it came down to it, there's one person who's going to go, and it's not us.

On a show like that, they would fire him over firing firing us.

They can't fire the cast, they can fire the showrunner.

Why are you in such a dispute over who?

He's not my boss.

He's not my boss.

I'm laying down.

Charlie, maybe, I would say, was my boss.

Two years after the show ended, I'm drawing the line in the sand right here.

I wouldn't say

it back, but I'm saying it today.

He's got a new show on AMC called Hero Inc.

AE.

AE?

Yeah,

not AMC.

No, not AMC.

AE called Hero Inc., and he's really proud of it.

And he said that there's a lot of similarities to Comp Bookman

so much as there's a lot of banter that he's so inspired by his time at Comp Bookman, he brought banter to his new show.

And he's hoping that, you know, it does well.

And I'm hoping it does well, too.

He told me not about this show, but very early on, he complimented us.

Not you, you were on your phone at the time.

Oh, that's bullshit.

He complimented us saying, saying, he was like, it's unbelievable that you like, we'll give you guys a topic and then you just go.

He said, every single show I've been on, he's like, people can't do it.

Or people are like, well, what do you want us to talk about?

And then be like, well, talk about this.

But they're incapable of having those conversations.

So we'll see.

I mean, if it's coming out, he must have done a good job because he's demanding.

You know, he is.

I really like him.

So I hope that his new show, like, you know, he gets another seven years on this show like he did on Comb Book Man.

And what's the idea behind it?

Do you know just

past Comic Book Man?

Seven years

and 95 episodes.

That's it.

The premise is, I believe, I know for a fact what it is.

He told me that it's

current cops or former cops who get tattoos based on traumatic or first responders.

First responders, yeah.

Yeah.

Firefighters.

So

whatever

call they were on that really impacted their lives, they'll get a tattoo.

Yeah.

I wonder:

has anything ever happened on the job for you guys

yeah that you would

there's been plenty of like

important impactful moments in how many 20 plus years at the stash yeah 20 get him taking his shoes off yeah

bare feet

uh there has to be any any number of

incidents that would be so

you know momentous that they're worthy of being memorialized and that they would be worthy of getting inked on your body uh

Well, not Walt's body, but

any come to mind?

Like maybe that customer standing in a pool of urine in the bathroom?

No, out in the hallway.

He didn't make it to the bathroom.

Sorry.

The free comic book day wars, you know?

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

A termite with a big piece of cheese in his hand.

You know, no, I've...

Since...

You've backed off that?

I backed off bashing Free Comic Book Day.

You know, since I was on a comic book show, I didn't feel it was

never bashed the day.

You bashed the people.

I think the whole day to me is kind of like,

I don't think it works.

I think it works to bring in people, and you can get

a nice chunky day out of it, like on the cash register.

But as far as turning people who aren't in the comics

that'll come in week after week after week after week.

I don't know if, I don't know.

I mean, I haven't seen it happen here, but I don't want to speak for the rest of the country.

Well, the last two free comic book days have been

turned into Kevin signings.

Yeah, so yeah, we've kind of co-celebrated free comic book day with signings.

And this one was also May 4th.

May the 4th be with you, the Star Wars Day.

So percentage, breaking it down into a percentage sales-wise, how many people do you think spent money because of Free Comic Book Day versus Kev being here?

Oh,

Zero Euros is everybody else.

Okay.

So zero percent is and they cost money, too.

It's not like free-free.

It costs you guys money.

No, they do cost money.

I mean, not a ton of money for those free comics, but they do cost the retailers money.

Did you see the commercial for Grandpad?

Many times.

Yeah.

I can't figure out what is different about it.

You don't need internet connection.

I think that's the 4G thing.

Okay, that's the only difference because I I was like, I have a internet.

You can't go on the internet on your grandparents.

No, you can, but you don't need an internet connection.

How do you get on the internet then?

It's like your phone.

Yeah, like the 4G.

It's like a Bluetooth.

Yeah, yes.

I mean, I'm not.

No, it has nothing to do with Bluetooth.

Then don't fucking entertain that nonsense.

I don't know.

It's not.

I don't know.

No, like your phone.

If you turn off your internet, you can still go like your

if you turn off your Wi-Fi,

you can still go on the internet with the 4G or LTE or whatever it says on your phone.

And I guess that's what this is.

Pam had a phone for 10 years,

not realizing that she didn't have to be on Wi-Fi in order to use the internet.

Because we would go somewhere and she'd be like, oh, I can't look it up because I don't have the internet.

I was like, yes, you do.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, it's your own hotspot.

Yeah.

Yeah, basically, wherever you go, you're on the internet.

So is that the only thing?

That's one of the things.

And it's safer,

less radio, it's somehow safer, it's safer.

Like, you can't visit a lot of like questionable websites.

Oh, here you go.

This may be good for us.

Uh, it's designed with seniors in mind.

This innovative device comes with features for connecting with loved ones without the complicated features of other tablets.

The large buttons and intuitive interface make the Grand Pad a simple tablet for seniors who are ready to start video chatting and sharing memories.

Um, so large buttons, like I remember Gertie, she was like 95 and she had one of those phones with giant buttons.

So I guess that's it.

We saw the other one that tells the grandma that she's going to be a great grandma.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

How'd she react?

Is this the equivalent?

Like if you get a stroke, if you were to get a grandpad.

Right?

I would buy a revolver along with it.

Hold on.

But would you get it with the big trigger?

Yeah.

Foolproof.

You come home with the GrandPad

and you tell your 20

25-year-old girlfriend,

I just got this new device.

Really excited about it.

She's already like, bullshit.

You're excited about something.

Yeah, I already like, I think this is going to be helpful for me.

It's bigger, it's safer, and

it's less convoluted than my old iPads, which we have known.

You have a history of not being able to navigate your iPads.

And then she's like, I'm Sage.

I'm like, oh,

we're here.

But, you know,

you mock the Grandpad, but if there's any person on the planet that I would get a Grandpad for,

it would be you because you can't handle your iPad.

You treat it as if it's a live fucking otter in your hands,

like trying to get away from you and run and hide under a log.

It's a pain in the ass, this thing, man.

This iPad.

And then you also tell her that you also have gotten new undergarments that will keep the couch dry.

I've also gotten bad news from my doctor.

Wow, you're hitting me with it all at once.

It's win-win, though.

I'm having a video chat.

Yeah.

Like when I'm in the home.

We can send sexy videos.

Mary Beth, I'm going to take off the

duct undergarment now.

I wanted to get one of those chairs that you ride up the stairs, but I couldn't afford this.

So we just video chat.

You ride up it, like, it's so slow, just jerking along.

She sees me, like, inch by inch, come up.

You only talk to her.

You go, only talk to me through the grand pad.

What's wrong with you?

We had a deal.

It's sexier.

She's like, oh, my God, I didn't know I had daddy issues until right now.

Nah, she knows.

She's trying to figure it out.

She actually tried to go a little inward.

No, I was like, figure it out.

This is obviously obviously not normal.

Let's not fucking hit ourselves.

And what conclusions did she come to?

I don't know.

She can't figure it out.

Childhood stuff.

Yeah, nothing really.

No traumatic childhood experiences.

Normal?

Pretty normal, yeah.

I mean, it seemed they were a little bit like hands-off.

Like where Pam and Edgar were like up my ass all the time.

It seems like they weren't like that.

So maybe that kind of freedom makes drug use, maybe an overdose, and then, you know, like

across the wires on your girl.

Wait, who overdosed?

Maybe who's overdosing on her?

Maybe she was like, you know, in her younger years.

She's holding it.

She's 18 sharing.

Maybe like, you know, some drug use has kind of clouded her.

Oh, her drug.

Dude,

she was such a fucking square before she met me, drug-wise.

Before she met you, so now she's now.

Before she met me.

Now she's a little

cooler.

So drug use makes you cooler?

Brian Johnson, the drug dealer.

Cooler?

No.

A little more laid back in certain situations.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe.

Well, like, I mean, you go to college, you would assume that people would smoke weed, right?

Of course.

So, but you never did.

And one of the things that's wrong with college, though, I think.

Is what?

Smoking weed?

Is the ramp.

I think the big problem with college is like how the people that get in don't deserve to get in.

And then once the people who do deserve to get in get out they're crippled with debt that's the problem with college not smoking weed oh i think there's multitude of reasons but i think one of the reasons is there's too much acceptance of drug use on college campuses

um

i don't know that they accept it though if it's not legal in a especially in a dorm any drug use is illegal no it's not not in certain states like in california unless you want unless you get a card that you're stressed out no you don't need to take exams i'm stressed out i gotta get i gotta get a card In Washington, you don't need anything.

Yeah.

You can walk into a dispenser.

All right, you guys better watch out

to that, that Comic-Con if you're.

I'm going to lure my kid onto the dark side, baby.

Come on, just one puff.

This isn't a gateway drug like that.

I don't know.

What do you think, Mr.

Johnson?

You're right about the crippling debt.

And I'm not sure that once you get all your degrees and your bachelor's

stuff, that you're any more equipped to get a a job in these areas.

I can tell you for a fact you're not.

Sorry, Beth hasn't worked in a year.

Well, I mean, she's got you as a role model.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm like, you got to smoke pot, and you can't work.

Now you're cool.

Yeah.

Well, listen to Wolf.

Old man Flanagan is going to be like,

yeah, so she wouldn't be a good role model.

What makes you think so many people smoke weed

in college?

In college?

Yeah.

Well, just like you said, it's the, where you go to experiment.

You go, and that's one of the things that I think is an expected experimentation.

I can say with

99% guaranteed that it's more prevalent to have binge drinkers than it is to have people smoking pot.

Oh,

I'm always even going to talk about underage alcohol abuse.

Okay.

All right.

If you want to stay away from that, I don't want to bring that up.

It's a taboo subject.

Come on, man.

There's

so many things going on at college.

I mean, it just, it's just, it's a mess.

Uh, it is, but I mean, probably a bigger issue, right, is um,

like uh, Adderall stuff like people using Adderall when it's not prescribed.

That's much worse than that a drug and addictive, yeah, yeah, but it's a prescription drug, so

I'm talking about all drugs, all right.

You know, they're

gotta come lobbying to get salt and pepper taken out of all the

all the cafes.

Um,

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I didn't go to college.

I mean, when Mike went to college, it was not representative of today, probably, right?

I thank God when I enrolled in college and I got mono that year.

You might have been tempted.

I might have been like just some zonked-out

cement head fucking

living on the dole.

Yeah.

Thank God I got that fucking kissing disease.

There's a lot of people that go to college who just do smoke pot and don't, you know, go on the dole

quite a few i think

people still say on the dole people want to smoke the shit that makes everything better i don't get it

we gotta we gotta maybe cut this one not short we got a little bit of time but we gotta cut this one a little short i got an emergency at home that uh

ginim's gonna help me with yeah let's talk about it let's talk about it another bird in the oven oh my god another live bird that i got to get out of of the hot stove.

Birds in the oven.

We'll talk about it in a second.

First, I want to talk, Mike.

Me and you can talk about

if we're going to eat ass, guys like me and you, you want to do it on a Casper mattress.

Oh, hell yeah.

We got time.

I don't think you have to wrap it up.

We got an anthem?

Yeah.

Casper.

Do you have?

Oh, you don't have.

Do you have a Casper or no?

No.

He almost had a Casper pillow.

Yeah.

Or something, and then he sold it on you, right?

Yeah, he sold the Casper mattress and the Casper pillow.

I think I got a Casper pillowcase.

I don't know.

Casper pillowcase.

Yeah,

pretty nice.

Pretty sweet.

If you're wondering what Casper is, it's a sleep brand that makes expertly designed products that help you get your best rest one night at a time.

Here's some talking points because, you know, who doesn't want to talk about mattresses?

Let's see.

There's a

five.

Okay, so we got to talk about five.

All right, let's see.

You spend a third of your life sleeping, so you should be comfortable.

Is that true?

Do you sleep?

Do you get your eight hours a night?

I try.

I know I don't.

What about you, Mike?

No, no, not even close.

No.

So.

What are you doing?

What are you doing that you're not getting eight hours?

No, I have a hard time falling asleep.

What is he doing that you can't get eight hours?

He's not getting eight hours of sleep, but he's lying in the bed for 14 of those.

I'm looking weird.

What are you doing that you can't get eight hours?

I'll tell you something in a second when we talk about home repairs.

I'm watching TV.

I'm playing with Sage.

Is she up at 11?

But I can't, but I can't fall asleep.

I just fall asleep.

You try to turn in early.

Like, how early is early?

Like,

make a commitment.

10.30, going into the room.

Mary Beth,

suck it.

I got to go in the room.

I got to get my eight hours.

You know, I'm sorry, but I'm really going to stick to this.

Stick to it for a month.

I guarantee you you'll change your sleep habits.

I can't do it, though.

Do you have a TV in your room?

Yeah.

Turn a TV off.

That's the problem.

That's a big problem.

yeah get a get a night mask night mask yeah casper should make night masks they really should because the casper mattress is like

perfection right i mean what else do you need but

a mask might help and i wake up a lot during the night and it's always been that way though and then i can't like the morning now it's fucking light at five in the morning so do you ever think about taking a walk before bedtime that only charges you up gets you going no actually it gets you

I thought it got your blood going.

No, I mean, I take a nice little walk around the corner.

Oh, yeah, you're strolling around?

Yeah, you bring the dog?

I bring the dog unless it's too hot.

I don't bring the dogs.

And I find that I definitely fall asleep quicker and more soundly after a nice where you live.

You're going to fall into the eternal sleep.

There's no sidewalks constantly.

I know, I like it.

I'm just thinking about it like 50 miles an hour in the dark.

Exactly.

That concerns me.

You're taking your life in your hands around there.

I walk around the corner where there are sidewalks, though.

Okay.

All right.

Or in the swamp where there are alligators.

And there's not many cars.

When I take my strolls, it's

late.

It's late, yeah.

But that means you're not getting eight hours either.

Oh, yeah, I am.

No way.

If I go to bed at two, I'm getting up at 10.

Two to ten?

All right.

I'm not really, I can't stay up past two anymore.

It's almost impossible for me.

You?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's depressing.

I know.

I used to be the night owl, but I can't stay up past two.

I'm really tired.

My eyes are itchy.

Can't read pennies from a distance in the dark.

Oh, my God.

I'll get you a grandpet.

They're affordable because Casper cuts out the hated middleman, sells directly to you.

Come on.

I mean, I don't want to vilify the middleman.

The last Casper ad, I got into this.

I don't know why we vilify the middleman.

I mean, Mike,

we're middlemen, right?

We are the middleman.

Yeah, but you know what?

This industry needs middlemen because you remember Marvel tried to do it themselves, right?

They tried to do direct marketing.

Yeah, Joe Quesada was selling it out of the back of the middle.

didn't want to, they weren't on a.

No, that was before Quesada.

Yeah, well, they had their own distribution.

Yeah.

Heroes World.

It didn't work.

Didn't work for them.

They had to go back to the, I guess we're not even middlemen.

We're like, we're underneath middlemen.

And where's Marvel now?

Oh, wait.

Making billions of people.

Yeah, sometimes, you know, you need a middleman.

These comics, people are precious about them.

They can't get bent up and shit.

You can't send this stuff through the mail.

Like, you can, but it's like, you can, but it's

delivered to weekly books like weekly books yeah oh yeah

yeah well you who need you guys

i mean with nobody really does i mean we're definitely living on borrowed time oh yeah you guys are totally

oh you know that's perfect yeah that is want to announce it you know over the airways every day that we're every day that kevin hasn't put a fucking out of business sign on the front door i'm shocked yeah yeah it's getting you just wait to come in and that's just gonna he's not even gonna tell you it's just gonna be like out of business soaped over windows you know yeah mike do you sweat like crazy at night when you're when you're tongue in that butt because a breathable design helps you sleep cool and regulate your body temperature throughout the night

that's good me nervous now are you supposed to sweat at night i don't think so some people do though get all sweaty at night

you don't have any hot you don't have the hot faces yet brian no not yet Probably coming up soon, though.

There's something wrong every day almost.

There's something different wrong.

Shit falling off a guy.

Yeah, I mean, right now, let me think what it is.

It's, I don't know, maybe I might be

pretty stable health-wise right now.

Although, the way the kidney stone was supposed to go, like, get it checked out to make sure it's gone.

Because otherwise, you could block this or that.

You never went?

No.

The fucking one I went to get it removed was

$9,000 bill I had to pay $3,000 of.

I'm like, fuck it.

I'm going to have to be almost dead in order to go.

Should let Giddam try to fucking try to get the stone out.

Yeah.

Giddam, reach into my urethra.

Put on the gloves, get him.

Yeah, I need a stone.

I bet you he could get it out.

He could Google it, and then he figured.

I can remind him for you to.

Yeah, he's a can-do kind of guy.

Can you imagine him pulling a Doc Cochran on you?

Oh, fucking heat knock.

Right, get him?

I mean, a little bit of natty.

A belt.

Are you not?

A strapper rubber.

Are we talking about his date?

A little bit of natty, something to bite on.

Like a vacuum pump.

Tweezers, a a little vacuum pump.

You can get that stone out, right?

Probably, yeah.

I know we could.

Are we good enough friends to do it?

Would you try it?

Would you try to operate?

I'm like, I don't want to spend the money.

I know you can appreciate that.

I could probably, or I could just reach in and massage it all the way down, maybe.

You're not going to fist me.

Casper's just like, guys.

Guys, you're in the middle of a Casper head.

Come on.

You've been tolerant up to now.

You want to shit on the middle man?

Go ahead.

Those guys are dicks anyway.

All this penal plate is a little too

You're going to get free shipping and returns in the U.S.

and Canada, and it is going to blow you away, Mike, when the package comes to the door.

You're going to be like, how the fuck do they do that?

That'll keep you up at night.

I've compared, now you haven't seen it.

You don't have a mattress, or a Casper, right?

I have a mattress.

I've seen this.

I've seen it.

She's worse off than I am.

He's like, I've got a mattress or not.

Julia.

I've compared the unboxing of a Casper mattress to

the birth of a child.

I say that the flaps, the cardboard flaps.

That's how bloody his mattress is

are like the legs.

And the opening.

And I was like, yeah, let's say that's what it is, boss.

The opening is a super big vagina.

Okay.

I thought I would have been a mattress, not a shag carpet.

It's like one of those rebirthing ceremonies they put kids through.

And then

you see that

gorgeous,

pristine, never touched by human hands foam mattress slide out so effortlessly like it was just like there's no need for medical procedures to get it out.

Wait, hold on.

I want to hear the talking point that these are made by aliens.

Never touched by human hands?

Well, I think once it comes out of the foam vat, I think that it's.

Yeah, it's not like a second, third-hand mattress with bed bugs and shit that

cross your fingers.

It's a beautiful spectacle.

I mean, it's, you know, like watching a Macy's Day parade balloon.

It's like watching

like a deer or giving birth, you know, or like a horse gives a birth while it's running, right?

No, no, they lay down easily.

They lay down?

What's of an animal that just gives birth while it's walking?

Like a giraffe where it falls out of its asshole.

Yeah, that I'm not sure of.

Have you never seen those videos where they're just walking and all of a sudden, boom, something falls out and that starts walking immediately, too?

I'd like to see these videos.

Like a wildebeest or a foal.

Yeah, they start like walking walking around

the road and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's

animals, man.

Like, almost immediately, they're like, all right, I'm on my own.

Yeah.

For some of us, it's 50 years later.

Brian Johnson's.

I've been on my own.

I think that's usually prey animals that do that.

So they don't get picked off by a predator very quickly.

Prey animals?

Yeah.

Things like predators, like rabbits.

No, things like predators have it.

They roll around for a couple days before they start walking.

Like big cats, like lions and the such.

Gotcha.

It's a beautiful thing.

It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing, though.

Casper should

really market that.

Doing like YouTube videos.

Redesign their boxes to look like vaginas.

Redesign to look like vaginas.

And the commercial.

Yeah, you're right.

It should be just like a series of quick cuts of like animals.

Animals,

beautiful animals coming out of the wall.

And then

you cap it off with a Casper coming out of the box.

The spectacle of the fish.

I like that.

I like this with a lot less than people.

Yeah.

Piping fresh just out of the box.

You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep-on-it trial.

Let's see.

I was going to say, I probably could look up there and find the talking points to this because Ming used to print them out every week.

Did he?

Oh, yeah.

You can get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com/slash T-E-S D and using TESD promo code at checkout.

Terms and conditions apply.

That's $50 off towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash tesd using tesd promo code at checkout terms and conditions apply we found out it's very important to say that mike oh terms very important terms and conditions do apply folks go out and get yourself a casper mattress because these things are gorgeous just going by their uh pillowcases alone is fantastic yeah all right there you go casper um so

So you got another bird in the oven.

Yeah.

I got a call from the wife.

And you don't use it anymore this

wood-burning stove.

But did you use it in winter?

A couple times.

Oh, did you?

Okay.

I thought you were relaxing.

It gets so hot, though, it's unbearable.

It's like 100 degrees in one room and then 60 degrees in the next room.

It can be even more than 100.

It's that unbearable to have the wood-burning stove on.

But, yeah, I just got a call about a half hour before we started.

My wife was like, there's another creature

in the wood-burning stove.

Can you have that person?

She doesn't even call him by his his name.

Is there any chance that that person you know could come and get it out?

She doesn't even ask if I could do it.

Oh, she knows.

I've only been married

25 years.

25.

Wow.

25 years on June 11th.

She knows as well that you can't do it as well as she doesn't know his name.

Yeah, so he's going to follow me home.

We're going to break all the speeding laws after we record this and get back to my house so we can get that bird out.

Get him, come back.

I want to know your

proposed approach to this.

This is not something I'd want to do either.

No,

I wouldn't even ask you.

Yeah.

I would shoot it.

Like, if you wanted me to shoot it through the door,

like, get everyone out of the way.

That's the solution.

Like, as so, like, you, how do you approach this situation?

Like, do you have a special outfit that you put on?

No, I'm just going to put some gloves on.

Like, heavy gloves?

Like, leather gloves?

I don't have anything heavy gloves in my Jeep right now.

Because they said creature, and we think it's a bird, but we're not sure.

Yeah, I'm going to look through the glass first to see if it's a bird, not like a squirrel or something.

I thought there was glass in the front of your

front stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Usually, so you can see the flames.

Because if it's a squirrel, it should be able to go out on its own.

But if it is a squirrel, how will you get it out?

I don't like squirrels, yeah.

Oh, you don't like squirrels?

Why?

Teeth and the nails and everything?

Oh, I didn't know you were a pussy, too.

And all the disease.

No, I'm not a pussy.

Really?

It's sure.

I mean, I know,

but it sure sounds like they're carved in fleas.

They're not fun.

So you're saying just the dirtiness of the animal.

Yeah.

What do you hope to find in there?

A bird, because then I could just...

Bird, because then I just

can't just snap the neck of the squirrel.

Why don't you just strangle it in front of the girls?

Can I just skin the squirrel, too?

I'm sure sure I could learn.

It's really easy.

Would you eat squirrel?

A lot of people eat squirrels.

I know there was a warning in New Jersey many years back that they're really high in lead.

Oh, yeah.

And New Jersey put out a warning not to eat squirrels.

What lunatic is eating a squirrel, actually?

Hey.

The real warmer.

Hey, what are you talking about?

There are fishing lore companies that'll buy their tails, so a lot of people go out and shoot them and sell the tails.

And then like, hey, you know what?

This looks kind of appetizing.

Well, you know, waste a lot of time, I guess.

On our wedding menu.

I mean, I'm sure sure it's like a small rabbit.

People eat rabbits.

Yeah, it's too gamey, man.

There are certain things.

I'm like, I'm just not going to eat it.

I don't need to taste it.

I don't want it.

But like you, Mike, would you prepare a squirrel?

I was going to say that in The Joy of Cooking, it's like one of the best-selling cookbooks out there.

It has a section where it shows you how to skin a squirrel.

So it's, yeah, and they even have a diagram in some of the earlier editions where you can just rip it off.

It's like that's pretty damn gross.

Would I prepare it?

No.

No?

If somebody hired you, let's say you come in one day and it's like I got a business design on the wall.

And I'm out there cooking.

Yeah.

So you're like, that's one thing you can do if you wanted to get another job.

And I'm like, the fuck you would.

But

probably the mortgage and all that stuff.

Yeah, you know.

Family.

Have you aged out, though?

Probably.

But I could be.

I don't mean I don't want to get too weird.

It's a young man's game.

Would your age work against you in trying to find a job in the cooking industry?

Yeah.

But you wouldn't be able to just like,

you know, pimp or like, or like, not pimp, but like kind of like

a spokesperson for a resume.

Like pad your resume maybe with lies.

Squirrel Skinner.

You've been cooking.

And by instead of saying pad your resume with lies, just say lie on your resume.

You know what I mean?

Just like put all out-of-business restaurants that you cooked at.

Sure.

Actually, most of the restaurants that I used to cook at are out-of-business.

So yeah, that would.

Would they see a pattern there?

Like, well, every restaurant needs worked.

Let's hire them.

Or maybe I just tell them.

Or I could just tell them that I was in prison for like 20 years, the last 18 years

I was incarcerated.

Yeah, but then you got to give half your salary.

Couldn't you sue whoever doesn't hire you for

age discrimination?

No, because they can say what.

No, he didn't have to.

But there's a different reason.

Yeah, he didn't have

the experience we were looking for.

He's always got a way to get around that.

Those bastards.

Otherwise, he'd be writing a strongly worded letter to the management on his grandpa.

You got to get him on tape a minute.

That's what you got to do.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, that sounds like a nightmare to me.

Applying for a job, proving myself to some asshole who 100% is younger than me for a job that I don't want, probably won't even do that well.

And this was the guy running for my job?

That would suck.

I did

home repairs.

Not my thing.

Not your thing.

Are you good at home repairs, that kind of shit?

I'm oddly good at them.

I hate doing them.

How about home destruction?

They have people go and rip out buildings.

Now, that's your opinion of yourself.

No, it's my wife.

She says you're good at it, too.

You're really good at it.

Mary Beth tells me I'm good at stuff that I know I'm not good at, too.

Does she really?

Oh, that's adorable.

I don't think so.

Being nice on his feelings.

Oh, that's pretty.

That's amazing.

So she tries to fool you that you're good at home repairs and stuff like that.

No, you're really good at this, honey.

There's no fooling me for people like that.

No.

There's no fool.

She'll more be like, well, you shouldn't have to do that anyway.

That should be the landlord's thing.

She'll sort of couch it like,

not that you suck at this, but

you shouldn't be wasting your valuable time on it anymore.

You should be trying to get that

resting.

Get that solid 10 hours of sleep you've been alone.

So a couple months back, the sink is leaking.

Kitchen sink is leaking.

The pipe underneath.

And then the faucet thing is

the assembly.

There's no water pressure at all.

So I call the landlord.

They send over a quote-unquote plumber to fix it.

And I may have told this already.

It was just get him in a mustache.

Yeah, like Mario or Luigi.

Aren't those guys plumbers, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So the guy comes in, and for whatever reason, he brings his girlfriend with him.

So she can tell him what a great job he's doing.

I mean, she would be lying then, because so the guy is like, all right, well, you have this leak, and we knew needed an assembly.

Did he show up?

What did he show up in?

Like a van?

No, a car.

It was just a regular car with his girlfriend.

Not even a plumbing van.

Not even a plumbing van.

No plumbers' tools.

He then

looks at it, tells me, he gives the diagnosis.

This is a Saturday, and he's like, I can do it Wednesday.

I said, Wednesday?

He said, it's a kitchen sink.

But why is he coming anyway then to tell you he can't do it until four days?

No, smelling it.

Maybe you thought it was something like simple as like, you know, the washer?

The knob underneath is turned off, that kind of deal.

Accidentally.

Or whatever.

Well, he goes,

can you get water from the bathroom?

I said, so every time she cooks, I said she's going to go upstairs for water.

I said, why can't you do it today?

And he's like, I don't have the money to buy the assembly thing, the faucet.

I said, so if I give you money, can you go get it and fix it?

And he's like, yeah, but I won't be able to come back till three

because we have to drop her son off to work.

And I'm like, all right, but you can come back later and do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

So he leaves.

He comes back and he does it.

Hold on.

You gave him cash.

I had to give him cash to go do it.

yeah.

I had to give the plumber money.

This isn't really like.

Yeah, this doesn't sound like a legitimate licensed plumber.

Well, you're going to be shocked at the end of this story.

I mean, spoil alert.

So

about a couple days later, the faucet's working fine.

It's cheap as shit.

He came back and fixed it.

He did come back and fixed it.

Well, he came back.

Came back.

Did what you thought he fixed.

I thought he fixed it.

He puts on the faucet assembly, and the pressure is working okay, but underneath it's still leaking.

So

I call the landlord and I'm like, hey, it's still leaking.

I'd prefer you not send that guy.

I don't think he really knows what he's doing.

Oh, well, I already paid him, so

I want him to do it right.

I said, okay.

So the guy comes back.

He leaves.

A couple days later, I'm like, what the fuck?

It's leaking again.

So I send a text to the wife of the landlord, and I'm like, hey i need this done but and i there's some other little thing that needs to get done but i was like please don't send that guy i was like i don't he's incompetent the guy's incompetent

so then the landlord calls me and he's like uh i'm gonna send that guy and i was like i no i said he doesn't know what he's doing i said it's the most basic repair i said and he's been here twice I said, now three times?

He's like, well, I'll send him 10 times, you know, if he gets it right.

You know, I paid him.

And I said, oh, and my time means nothing, huh?

I was like, I need to be around eight more times for this guy to come.

I said, he's incompetent.

And he's like, well, you know, he told me that stuff was stacked up in there anyway, you know, leaning against the pipe.

I said, wait a second.

So it's my fault.

I said, what?

I was like, are you out of your mind?

I said, every kitchen.

in the country has stuff underneath the sink.

I said, there's nothing leaning under there.

I could see where the leak is coming from.

The guy didn't do the proper, he didn't do the repair properly.

I said, you know what?

I was like, don't send him.

I'll do it myself.

And he's like, no, no, I'll send him.

And I'll send somebody else.

I said, no.

I said, no, just forget it.

I was like, I'll do it myself.

Because I'm like, fuck you.

I can't take that kind of shit.

Even though, like, in my mind, I'm like, I'll probably have to call Edgar to get him to help him.

But so I watch a video that's like four minutes long because I know what the issue is.

And

I

go out and I get the parts and I do the repair.

And then Sage comes down and she's helping helping me, or she like a little bit and she's watching, and I go to test it, and it's leaking.

And I'm like, fuck, God damn it.

But then I was like, wait a second.

And I forgot to turn this one nut thing or whatever.

And then it was fixed.

And I got to say, and I'm not proud of much, I was prouder of fixing that sink than being on TV for seven years.

Oh, so you actually did find it.

It worked.

Yeah.

I fixed it all.

Wow.

But during that time, the landlord is calling.

He called me twice, and the other, the plumber I didn't want to come texted me.

And then the wife texted me, and she's like, Can you please call back my husband?

He's trying to set up the plumber.

So, this is what I wrote back to her.

Fuck you.

I wrote, no, I mean, that really is like, I was enraged.

I said, um,

I said, I told him I'd, okay, so she said, uh, he's trying to call you to arrange for another plumber.

Can you return his call?

I said, I told him I'd do it myself, which I did.

It took 45 minutes after watching a four-minute video and having no experience.

Turns out it wasn't something leaning against the pipe.

The assembly was missing a gasket and

the

quote-unquote plumber must have figured the old dried-up ceiling putty wasn't good enough.

Like they say, you get what you pay for.

I've been a decent and low-maintenance tenant.

The rent is never laid and I do small repairs myself.

I said the heat never worked properly after several attempts to affix for that heating guy to fix it, but did I complain?

Your husband was way out of line blaming me for the leak and acting as if me taking time out of multiple days for a simple fix like a leaky pipe is nothing.

If this is the way way it's going to be when I need something fixed and his guys can't get it right, I won't be in your hair much longer.

And then she didn't answer that.

But I'm like, fuck you, man.

Like, fuck you.

You know, and that was the thing.

He was like, I'm like, you know, he keeps calling the plumber.

I go, hey, stop calling him a plumber.

I was like,

I said, is he licensed?

I said, is he a licensed plumber?

And he's like, he doesn't, he pauses and he goes, well, licensed plumber would cost twice as much.

I said, I don't care.

I said, that's irrelevant to me.

That has nothing to do with me.

I said, he's not a licensed plumber.

I love that he admits it, though.

He goes, I'm not going to say a licensed plumber

on a Saturday.

He's one of these fucking Brian Johnson?

Yeah.

He's one of these dickheads who's like, I'm the cheap guy.

Like, I'm the guy who fucking doesn't want to pay for anything.

You should be proud of yourself.

And I'm proud of you, too.

I mean, and it shows you that you can do things.

And like, if this podcast of the thing doesn't work out, BJ's plumbing and bridge burning.

Well, plumbing, yeah, like the quotes.

Or you could do

only specialize in that one fix, though, because now I know how to do it.

He wasn't the gasket.

Okay.

That was very special.

It was gasket, and it was like because the second time he came, this is the part I didn't say, his girlfriend's waiting out in the car for him.

So he's like rushing through it.

And I'm like, can this dude go?

And that's what I told him.

And he goes, well, you know, he doesn't have a license, which means he got a DUI.

And I said, oh, great.

So I have a guy who's not only, he's not a licensed plumber.

He's also not a licensed driver.

So now I got to deal with his girlfriend every time.

Wait a minute.

So that she drives the guy who's fixing your sink because he can't drive?

I guess so.

I guess that's why.

Oh, my God.

And she can't drive the van because she doesn't have a CDL.

Oh, my God.

That is a comedy of errors.

Yeah, I'm just like,

that's what I told the guy.

I was like, it's so unprofessional, man.

I was like, I don't want to deal with this shit.

But

he's that asshole.

You know, you're out looking for a new

abode?

I'm going to, yeah.

I just can't handle this place anymore.

And the number of things that I don't request be fixed, like I could be breaking their balls non-stop with this shit in this place, but I don't.

Because, one, I don't want people coming over.

You know, I don't really care if it falls down around me.

But that shit is just like,

like, I get not wanting to put out a lot of money.

I get trying to save money by using these fucking handymen.

And all they are are guys you went to high school with who like kind of got into the blue-collar trade.

They're not really good at any one thing.

And they're usually they're a bunch of drunks or ex-drug addicts.

Or active drug addicts.

Yeah, or active, yeah.

And they watch the same YouTube video that you did, and that's how they come in.

You must not watch it to the fucking end because you can't fix the goddamn thing.

Ran out of data.

But yeah, I was a little bit proud, and especially because I can legitimately turn around and be like, this is how fucking easy it was.

And this asshole couldn't do that.

Like, if I can do it, who can hardly do anything, who my friend wouldn't even call me up to open a door to a goddamn oven so a bird can fly out.

Snap's neck.

You don't have the track record.

Well, like you said, though, you know, like, you know, I could call Animal Control 250 bucks on the come over.

Wow.

Or I can call Get him.

Or my wife can say, do you know what that man who got the other part of that?

Can't you just

qualify as a person?

Can't you just say it's injured and it's like, oh, I have an injured bird and like, won't they come out and be compassionate?

No, they're going to charge me to come out.

They want that money socks, yeah, 250 bucks.

I wonder where that goes,

pockets, and some man.

Like, who the fuck wants to deal with that?

Because it's not like bird in the stove, usually it's like, hey, I got this rabid possum in my basement, or I have a dog that's cornered me.

And you know,

I'm not sure they can carry rabies.

Who can carry rabies?

I don't think possums can carry rabies.

No, no, they're immune to rabies.

Really?

Yeah, I never knew.

Raccoons.

Raccoons have rabies.

Raccoons can have rabies.

I hope it's not a raccoon in the oven.

A rabbit raccoon?

Possum

Again,

claws.

You want me to come over?

You're so afraid of me.

You want to call Bri's landlord?

I don't have my heavy gloves with me today.

I've seen you without your socks on.

You've got claws, buddy.

I don't know about the dicks and heavy gloves.

Yeah, what if you just put a pair of waltz socks over your hands

and try to get a rabid raccoon?

Don't want to euthanize the damn thing.

I like watching videos where somebody's like, oh, isn't this cute?

And then it bites them.

And then they're like, shit, now I got to get raby shots.

oh it goes out and bites him like oh man that sucks all right well at least it's gone now i'll you know thanks man i can drive home right

oh we don't have any bandaids

get him take tomorrow as a matter of fact don't come by

what would you want to get into like let's say post comic book store like what would be your go-to like personally if someone was like go out and get a real job i wouldn't know what to do i i would have no idea um i i don't know bounty hunter Want to become bounty hunters, maybe?

With you?

Sure.

Actually, that'd be pretty cool.

Bounty hunters?

That's a dangerous line of work.

Would you really want to do that?

You can't carry a gun.

Yes, you can.

We can get.

I watched every episode of Dog, and he did not carry a gun.

Well, just because he didn't.

Mace.

Isn't it weird that that was his name and not his wife?

Actually, that was because Dog was a convicted felon.

In Texas,

he knew of a murder and didn't report it to the police, so he's found guilty.

I know my dog shit.

I like that.

You probably get it.

You guys would walk around.

You think that you guys can become bounty hunters with guns

at this stage of your lives.

Hey, you know, talk about fucking out of touch.

Jalen Byron.

Holy shit, you're chasing fucking 18 to 35 year olds.

Why do you need the main street?

Why do you think we need the guns?

You don't chase them.

You entrap them.

Think for a second.

Let's talk like Mike is not going to

speak as if Mike's not going to fucking hold it against you tomorrow.

Do you think in any way, shape, or form that Mike and Brian could go into the mean streets of Newark and get

people who

are out, you know, who have violated their paroles?

Well, wait a second.

Back up.

Is it a black guy?

No, that doesn't even matter who.

It does matter.

Black guys are tougher.

White only.

White guys are bigger pussies.

No, no, no.

This is the one situation where white's a lot of people.

You're wearing a white collar?

Yeah.

You cannot be.

You have to go after whoever the fucking...

I don't know.

Whoever a fugitive is.

Whoever's run out on you guys.

Whoever skipped out on your bond.

Skip trace.

Do you think that there's any way, shape, or form that they could recapture a 22-year-old?

I think between the two of them, they are smart enough to figure out a way to catch the guy.

So they're going to recapture them with their wits?

Yes.

Yeah, we can do it.

Good for you.

Get them on.

So like,

wait for the wait for the guy to

wait for the guy to come out of a convenience store and they just come up one on each arm and just

dead or alive, right?

Well, he's like chewing on like a ho-ho or something.

So how do they hold on to him when he starts to make his escape move?

Well, between the two of them, I think that they each have one arm and they also him or something.

Like I said, they just kind of...

You tase him.

Yeah.

Tase him.

Don't tase me, bro.

Like I said, he walks out of the place.

He's got like a jinky in his mouth.

The next thing you know, he's got 50,000 volts through him.

You know what?

If I were going to pick.

I don't remember seeing Dog do that.

So you guys are going to go taser.

You're not going to go just like how Dog did it, just with fucking brute straight.

With fucking muscles and wolves' teeth necklaces.

No, he had

the paintball guns and the bear spray.

He did have the spray.

He didn't have a pepperball.

Yeah, pepperballs.

Pepperball guns, yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, he did.

But if I were going to pick anyone as my partner, it would be Mike.

Because he likes weapons.

Okay.

He's angry, so we can both be angry together together and be like, you believe this insult.

Two days we've been sitting there.

You want bad cop, bad cop?

You saw you'd be dog and he'd be Youngblood?

Remember, he used to call his partner Youngblood.

Oh, his partner Youngblood?

I thought that was the son.

No, that was it the son?

No, that was.

His name began with a D.

I thought that was his.

He had the arrest of the.

Youngblood was the guy who got, he also got arrested for exposure in a

horrific lobby.

He was found innocent, though, that charge, though.

No, just not guilty.

He wasn't innocent.

Yeah.

And we have a hard-fast policy where if we're speaking to an answering machine, we don't use the N-word.

Well,

I could be like your oracle and

be on the computer, like, you know, doing the skip trace that way.

Oh, yeah, we're back to you.

So, what is Ming doing there?

Because I know.

Oh, okay, maybe Ming.

I was going to say, I thought that would be Ming's job.

He'd film it all.

He's flushing him out.

Yeah, we send him in dressed as a lady boy, which I love

to do.

The honey pot.

the honey pot, yeah, little honey pot action.

Here you go.

Hi, Tyrant boy.

All right,

Mike, do you want to know what we're going to do?

Um, first, we research our subjects very thoroughly before making any moves.

Well, this is actually, you're going to do this, get them, then you're just going to give us the breakdown.

Then, once me and Mike hit the streets, uh, we stake out the fugitive's address or frequent haunts.

We may search through their mail, trace phone calls, or talk to people in the area who might have seen them.

Some bounty hunters use spy gadgets, this is what remind me of Mike, like exit sign video cameras and night vision goggles to track down skips.

They carry mace or many bounty hunters carry guns, mace, or other weapons.

Skips, that's the industry term for people who are

skip that on their bond.

Okay, so

the most valuable weapon is the element of surprise, like dress posing as a UPS delivery person.

That's what you do.

Pose as a pizza delivery guy.

He's still got the outfit.

I'll pose as.

No, I gave it away.

I'll pose as a UPS guy, and then I'll be like, this is

my young PSS.

No, UPS, not USPS.

I'll be like, and this is, I'm training my young protege here.

Hello, sonny.

What's going on?

You're not a skip, are you?

Let me check my grandparents.

Make sure it's him.

I don't hate the internet.

I like the pizza box idea, and you have the knockout gas inside.

They all turned into Batman 66.

Hope we don't get a face full.

They say most people don't even put up a fight.

Less than three to four of the people that this guy goes after resist arrest, and most of them do nothing more than try to run or squirm away.

The most violent criminals aren't out on bail anyway.

Yeah.

That's what Dog, that's what

always the lamest part of his episodes was.

He's always

trying to find female fugitives.

And they're not going, they don't add any drama to the episode because, you know, they don't like fight or um or hit the nudie bars or you know they like it's when they were going after these young you know bucks who like would give them a give them a good run or a good chase because they were on the ice bounty hunters 50 and above only right some old criminals although like you get some of these like grand criminals yeah yeah really like you get some of these criminals that are like like mob guys like 60 70 like There's no doubt.

I've seen 70 year old guys.

I'd be like, he'd waste me.

He would kick my ass.

And it's like, you you realize at this age, you're like, a guy who's 18 can definitely kick my ass.

A guy who's 70 can kick my ass.

I'm starting to think everybody might be able to kick my ass.

I only wish I'd known this like 20 years ago.

Life would have been a lot easier.

Would your wife want you to become a bounty hunter, though?

Probably not.

But, I mean, you got to pay that mortgage.

So

I think I don't.

I would not want to see you go into bounty hunters.

Brian needs to get money to give to some guy to go and get a

summer.

I had a guy at work who was trying to recruit a bunch of us to be like a bounty hunter team.

You're trying to recruit you?

Yeah.

How come you turn it down?

Because

I didn't have a license to carry at the time.

And I also didn't have the gloves for it at the time, but now you do.

No, I don't have a.

Don't you have some sort of license to be a security officer?

Yeah, it was security officer's license.

Ebby, Ebby, he could at least show the license at the door if you had him, if you got him on your team.

Yeah, a little

scare the shit out of the buffer in front of our criminal.

But this guy used to guard the mall, bro.

He was posted outside American Eagle.

On sale day.

But if he he just flashes it real quick, though, most people aren't going to read it.

Well, just get a fake badge.

You don't need him around.

You can get a bounty hunter badge.

It's not illegal to carry one.

Yeah, it's not like if I show up with a real security guard, the guy's going to be like, oh, shit.

I would just tell him I'm a security guard and get the same distribution.

No chance of running.

He's got a security guard license.

Did you ever have to bust anybody when you're a security guard?

Or did you not become a security guard?

Were you a security guard?

Yes.

Did you ever bust anybody?

Did you have to drag them back into

the tank?

Yeah, we get to drunks, and you just pretty much escort them to first aid

and then leave them there.

Anybody give you a hard time?

Smacking you around?

No, the drunks just get stupid, you know.

Yeah.

Where am I?

They forget where they were, or they piss themselves, and that was the fun ones.

When they piss themselves, that's fun, I said.

I'm saying it sarcastically.

That was the fun ones.

Obviously.

Apparently, I did it.

Obviously.

You could teach these autistics anything if they're around it long enough, right?

There's hope for you.

Bounty hunter, Giddam.

Do we have another ad?

We don't.

That's it.

So if you guys need to go catch a bird or whatever.

Or whatever it may be.

Something with four legs, not wings.

Hopefully not.

Let's hope it's not something with six legs.

That'd be good.

Four legs good.

Two legs bad.

I'll videotape it and then I'll do some video as Giddam tries to extract this.

Why don't you just like smoke them out?

Like

just take a Dura flame, light it, and just open the door, chuck it.

Do we sell any of that stuff from Six Million Dollar Man?

We might have a firecracker.

But what about we just stop on the way?

I can say startle them.

Dollar store and we get a butterfly net.

Do you sell butterfly nets?

Yeah, I just was at the dollar store the other night.

I saw they have these beautiful butterfly nets, all different shades of colors.

We can get one.

I mean, are they rated for

things besides butterflies?

You could catch get them with it after the fucking bird.

What do you mean?

You don't think it would work?

I'm saying a butterfly, I'm like, can a butterfly net handle like the claws of a rabbit squirrel?

Or do you suspect it's a butterfly in there?

You're trying to catch them.

No, well, would it does a squirrel have like massive claws that can go through a butterfly net?

Depending on the butterfly, I don't know.

I've never seen this butterfly net.

I've seen America's Funniest Home Video.

You're talking Dollar General butterfly net.

I don't think it's made of Pevlar reinforced woofs.

Like when a squirrel wants to get out of a house and people are trying to help it,

it moves like it's unreal.

It's like like a pinball.

It's like

it's like it's all over, and then like a dog or a cat sees it and they jump in the fray.

Yeah,

are your dogs good at hunting?

Like maybe they could retrieve it?

Like just like open the door and

shove sex in there?

You would think that the dogs would be sitting outside the stove because they heard something and like, you know, they're trying to catch it.

I guess we don't allow our dogs to hunt.

No.

It's cruelty-free house, huh?

No, it's like, you know,

it's live and let live.

We're pacifists.

Don't they lock themselves in closets and basements?

Don't they chase tennis balls?

Those aren't hunting dogs.

What?

A tennis ball is not a living creature, though.

Yeah, but

it's a predator instinct to chase when they're chasing a tennis ball.

But are those are those dogs predator those boxers?

Well, boxer, is that a predator?

Nah, right?

I mean, that looks kind of a fighting dog.

It's a Boston Terrier.

The French bulldog, man, is like.

I don't think most people are in the fucking woods.

Are they under the AKC?

I'm like under the pussy breeds.

Whoa.

What?

What I'm saying, you know.

Oh, what?

No, not the owners, not dogs.

So you didn't offend me, and I'm not going to take it out on her tomorrow.

But I can't wait to get into work.

Oh, now I'm going to get a bunch of French bulldogs.

The AKC lists them as pussy dogs?

I don't know.

I'm just wondering what the

pussy dog.

Like, you know, a dog that's afraid of everything.

It can't go in water.

A friendly dog?

No, not a frufy dog.

Fifty.

Fifty.

Feefy dogs.

Oh, like a French poodle?

No, those are hunting dogs.

Those are hunter dogs.

Those are badasses.

Actually, Navy SEALs use them for.

One of those little white ones?

Yeah.

Really?

The little pom-poms and the shaved bellies and everything?

Wow, that's not very intimidating.

But Navy SEALs are really cool.

Navy SEALs use them as hunting dogs.

To hunt what?

To anything.

What is a Navy SEAL?

Aren't they fucking

a frogman and shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, so what is a dog going in the fucking water with them?

Sometimes.

You're full of shit.

Swear to God.

What does a frogman need a fucking

squirt gearcraft?

You're swimming right next to them.

They're also land-based.

Oh, they are?

Yeah.

Okay.

They're not just the frogmen?

No, not just frogmen.

Go ahead.

Look it up.

I'm looking at French.

Because the Special Forces uses German shepherds, the army shepherds.

Which are intimidating dogs.

Very.

Sorry, they are a non-sporting group,

but they're considered.

Hold on.

I have a cop buddy who does the, he's the canine unit.

And I said, let me ask you a question.

I said, because these dogs seem really well trained, except when it comes time to let go.

Like, I've seen so many videos where, like,

a guy is subdued by a dog, and he's shaking his head, and the dude is screaming as this dog rips through his muscle.

And they're yelling whatever command at the dog, and the dog is not letting go, and they're, like, trying to pull it and shit.

And he's like, yeah, a lot of times dogs won't listen to the, like, let go command.

But at that point, it's like, fuck it.

Who cares?

Like, that's their fun time.

Yeah.

The dogs.

Yeah, some guy was coming at him with a knife and he sent the dog and he was like, I'm going to release the dog.

And the the guy dropped the knife.

He's like, I don't want to fuck with the dog.

Yeah.

I don't see a picture of.

Oh my God.

Wow,

it's like one of those stereotypical

dogs that

have a ball on his tail.

It's like cut to look like a

camel slash.

Wow.

I never would have thought that.

This is a poodle?

You look at the top of the little picture.

Navy SEALs use poodles as their hunting.

Why is he in a dress?

That's the picture you pull up?

That was their date.

It is their date.

Tell them Steve Dave.

Hey, if you want to check out the accompanying video to see what was in my stove and why we had to cut the episode short, then you could check out the video on at TESD Town on Twitter.

or the Tell them Steve Dave official Facebook page.

But a warning,

it's terrifying.

It's disturbing.

And, you know, just want to let all you people know out there, you know, viewer discretion is advised.