#409: No More Periods, Period!

You can't marry an Irish girl and they're all life-beating drunks.

I'm like, I know my personality is not that good.

I know how a mirror works, so I know that's not it.

I met a nice boy.

Yeah.

Never dreaming.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave, Memorial Day Edition.

And you may think that over the years the troops have given a lot, nothing compared to Walt Flanagan coming in an hour early.

Really?

There was a

quick on the text amazing.

There is absolutely positively no comment whatsoever before you got here.

None.

I said nothing about coming in an hour early.

I don't know why he would lead off with that.

I can see it in his eyes.

That thousand-yard stare.

Not at all.

Paul's response was so quick and so chipper when I was like, Can we do it in the morning?

that I was like, oh, he must like doing it in the morning.

Like, that's how.

That might be a stretch, right?

I just try to make it easy for you because I know how

that your schedule is hell and you have a very limited window.

So I try to make myself available to you.

And I also assumed, I was like,

I told my wife, I was like, there is no fucking way when he gets up tomorrow that he's going to get up early and want to come get that text around 9.20 that, you know, he's not going to be able to make a voice.

I'll tell you what, honey, you know, riches make you lazy.

Because I was like, I don't think he anticipates how heavy the traffic's going to be coming down to the shore at that time of the morning.

It wasn't bad.

It wasn't bad, though, yeah.

A slight hiccup.

Maybe 15-minute delay on that.

But other than that.

Yeah, for me, yesterday, totally different story.

Yeah.

It's been an hour.

And while this on the surface may seem like a boring sitting-in traffic story, it's not.

No, okay.

Because I was in Middletown.

I have to go to Highlands, which is like, what, like eight miles away?

Yeah, but it's on two different highways, though.

Right?

No.

No, because I go down 36.

Okay.

Shoot down 36 to Highlands.

When was the last time you were on Highlands, boy?

Don't forget what you're doing.

Right, but Middletown.

But Middletown really is in.

I equate Middletown being on 35, though.

Oh, okay.

Well, 36 Middletown.

You know the Middletown being you live in?

That's the one?

That's really poor mama.

Part of Middletown Township?

Nobody listening knows what the fuck is that.

Anyway, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, so it's the first weekend of the pool club.

All new pool club.

I haven't gotten to review it yet.

I'm hoping there are no pre-pubescent wannabe rock bands at this one.

Oh, okay.

But

I'm like, all right, well, Sage stayed at Pem and Edgar's last night.

I'll go down there and get her.

And it's about eight miles away.

There's traffic everywhere.

It's pretty heavy.

But I know once I get into Highlands, that's right where it splits off to go to this popular beach area.

So I'm like, I know it's going to be packed there.

I'll go this little back route.

But I guess with apps now, there's no such thing as a back route.

There's no such thing as a shortcut.

The little secret places, the haunts that you used to use to bypass all the tourists do not exist anymore.

That's a good thing, though.

That opened up everybody, though.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah,

it should just be for the people in the know.

It's fair now, bro.

No, but it was always fair.

Now the roads are finally fucking fair.

Yeah,

it's true equality.

Well, like, I go to Staten Island.

I don't expect to know the back routes.

Like, that's for Q.

That's for Q to know, right?

Like, he doesn't want pedestrians like me running around.

But so anyway, we finally get into Highland.

It took about an hour to go the eight miles.

I could only get to downtown by like where the fire department

is right now.

Like

kind of by the back roads of Miller Hill.

Okay.

Right.

So I go up the hill and I've been talking to Sage about going to the pool.

And Pam's like, yeah, Daddy's coming to pick up to go to the pool.

Big promises, Sage.

Oh, boy.

So

I finally make it up the hill.

Very steep hill, too, Miller.

Yeah.

And that kind of heat.

You need to have some

good carriage on the car to get up that hill.

So I walked up the hill because I'm like, I don't want to.

Even Miller was blocked.

There's just no way.

So walk up there, get to the house, collect in stage, about to leave.

And Pam's like, oh, by the way,

she got her lady friend last night.

Now, first.

You don't go to the pool then.

Exactly.

Fucking holy shit, thank you.

If Walt Slanagan knows,

if I could look to Walton, I'd be like, what's wrong with this picture?

Just made you come to go to the

bottom.

I went all the way there.

And I go, I look at it, because for a second, it's like,

I'll, she just really say that?

And I go, but why the fuck did you tell me to come?

Like, I'm not.

As angry as I am, just completely mystified.

I cannot get my head around.

And Edgar, who can't hear shit anymore.

Really?

He's deaf?

Legally?

Almost.

I don't know if it's legal.

Is there a legal thing?

I know there's legal blindness.

Is there a legal deaf thing to?

I never heard of that.

Immediately puffs up and he's like, we didn't know it was going to be that congested.

And I'm like, I go, I'm not talking about the fucking traffic.

He can hear that.

He can hear that.

He can hear a fight brewing.

Because Mary Beth was with me.

And when we left, she goes, I see where it comes from.

Immediately,

turn it on.

I don't have all the information.

Do I give a fuck?

I'm ready to go.

Information is other people's problems.

Yeah, facts.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

And

we walked down the hill, and

then I went over to fucking Target

and looking for a pool.

Now I got to find a little personal pool for Sage.

She would

now

go in any pools at this point, though.

Well, I think so.

If it's only her, I mean, the whole thing is that it's like you don't want bleeding all over the place.

And that's the other thing.

I thought it was for like it would give them like cramps or something being in the water.

Yeah, I think the cramps are a given anyway, regardless if you're swimming or not.

But that's the other thing.

Like, Pam, she just won't say what it is.

So Edgar's sitting there like, I know.

I don't like it.

Nobody will.

I mean, you can.

I don't like the P-word either.

I don't mind someone dancing around it.

I appreciate someone dancing around.

But now you're dancing around with somebody who I don't think has ever heard the term, and even if he has heard it, cannot currently hear it because he's almost deaf.

So, she's dancing around for Edgar's benefit?

No, she just doesn't want to say it for some reason.

For Edgar's benefit, I don't know what to say.

Is this like an old-fashioned type thing?

Is Edgar?

I think it might be a generational thing where I'm just like, why the fuck didn't you tell me she had her goddamn period?

But so he can't hear it, and finally he gets it.

And finally, he gets it.

And then he's, you know.

Then he apologized.

Come on.

Do you think he apologized?

Do you think I apologize?

Nobody apologized.

You guys said hug one hour and be like, it's all right, bro.

It's all right, daddy.

Yeah, put it up.

Put it up.

Bro.

It's all right, daddy.

Poppy.

My father's hearing.

I was with my family yesterday.

And my dad's at the hearing doctor, and the doctor wants him to get a hearing aid.

He can't hear anymore.

And

my mother's telling the story.

And my father was like, all right, maybe, maybe.

And then the doctor goes, yeah, because you're having a problem hearing these frequencies.

And these are the frequencies that women and little children's voice fall on.

My father refused to do it.

He's like, I don't want it.

He goes, I'm fine.

Leave it alone.

So he's refusing to get one.

That's amazing.

That's a fucking dude.

How does your mom handle that?

Does she see it as the slight that that is?

She does, but she gets how funny it is.

He literally does not want to hear me.

He may be one of the few guys I know that would invite total deafness.

Oh, God, yeah.

Because my mother, you know, I love her.

She loves to go on and on.

Why do you think it is that...

I meant more his complete unwillingness to talk to anyone.

Oh, what do you mean?

Like, if I have a reason.

Oh, yeah, possibly.

He doesn't like talking to you.

Yeah, sorry, deaf.

Can't talk to you.

Do you know sign language?

It's working out for you.

You do?

Well, I don't.

He's going to make deafness work for you.

He really is, my dad.

It was great.

Why do you think it is that people,

I don't know,

for me, it's older people who are dealing with things that they have to deal with as they get older are so

really, I'm not doing it.

Fuck it.

I'm not doing it.

I don't want to do it.

I'm not doing it.

Even though it's for their betterment.

Why?

He can't hear, but he doesn't give a shit.

He's like, what's more annoying, not being able to hear or fucking walking around with a hearing aid all day?

But you can hardly see him anymore.

I suggested the same thing for Edgar, like the miracle ear thing.

Yeah.

You know, you can hardly even see him.

And it's like, no one's going to look at you and think, oh, hearing aid, you must be old.

It's like they're going to look at you and say, oh, he's old.

Yeah, right.

There is this, there is this bizarre, like, reluctance to

just

see the situation, what it calls for it to fix it or to make it better.

And a lot of people just won't do it for whatever reason.

I were like, readers, those are for old people.

Yeah.

I can't see shit.

But yeah, they're for old people.

Yeah, I don't get it.

I don't agree with that for myself.

I want everything fixed as it happens.

Yeah, like, and I mean, you could tell your father, too, that, like, one of the, one of the things I heard was if you don't address your hearing, it could

really brings on

externality.

Yes.

Yeah.

73.

I don't know if he cares.

He's like, that's the final stage of complete removal from society, but I'm still alive.

I just watch baseball and read.

Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, if that's all he cares about.

Your family's real into trains, huh?

And you've recently been getting into trains.

Oh, my God.

What, collecting toy trains?

No, well, my.

No, running trains on chicks.

That's my type of train.

No.

Choo-choo.

Oh, boy.

My grandfather was a big model train guy, like in his Bay Heel in the Brownstone Brooks.

One of those big, elaborate setups

with the styrofoam cage.

Oh, mountains and all that shit.

Some Moe and Joe action.

Yeah.

But my father drove, so he was a train guy.

He drove subways for 20-something years in Manhattan.

Both my brothers work for railroad.

Danny works for Long Island Railroad, Jimmy works for Amtrak.

They train.

Train dudes.

Train dudes to the freed.

They go to the museums.

They go to train shows.

Train freaks.

Train freaks.

Train magazines coming in.

Yeah.

There's train magazines, yeah.

Train magazine is coming in.

I was at my brother's house last weekend and almost all the decor in his house is train-related.

Gee,

and you're getting into it.

I want to listen to the band train.

That's it.

That's an old old train.

I've never been a big train guy, but recently I've been

getting into it a little bit.

Like, I see how cool locomotives are and steam engines.

What is it that makes them seem now cool in your eyes?

And you're not talking about modern-day trains.

No.

You're talking about old fucking behemoth locomotives, which aren't pretty cool.

Dude, I went to his train museum in Pennsylvania and like standing next to these things is like standing next to a dinosaur.

They're so big, you can't even believe it.

And then if you dig a little closer and you get into the technology, you're like, wow, that's actually pretty cool.

And at the time they were made, too.

Yeah.

You're talking about shit like 1800s, right?

Right.

Yeah, but even through the 30s and like the Art Deco trains and stuff like that.

But like then you get into, then it's like everything.

If you get into history, History is interesting.

So it's like the history of the railroads, the history of the trains, the history of the technology.

Like it's pretty cool.

I mean, I'm not like my brothers, but I am like, wow, it's pretty fascinating.

Trains wasn't cool for all of us.

On this memorial day, I'd like to thank Ming's family for their service to the trains.

Yeah.

How else were we supposed to get supplies and shit?

Yeah, it is.

It is.

I was never a train guy until I think the last year.

Yeah,

I don't know.

Yeah, I could never see myself being interested in trains.

To me, it's like you say, like, anything is interesting if there's history.

Yeah.

That is not true.

Really?

That is not true.

I remember just the other day,

I was sitting here and

I came upon the realization that I'm at the age I'm at, I don't, nothing's guaranteed anymore, right?

I mean, next week is not guaranteed.

Tomorrow's not guaranteed at this stage of my life.

Some things are the same things are guaranteed, death in Texas.

That's what you say, right?

That's the same thing.

When I realized that I was sitting here

for two straight days as a customer came in and talked to Giddam about making candles, and I had to sit here and listen to the most, possibly the most fucking boring conversation I've ever heard in my entire life of how they go to make candles and where they get the fucking supplies, the mason jars and the wax.

I was like, what am I doing?

What am I saying?

Why am I, why, why is it

I could have done anything with my life.

But all roads led to here.

I couldn't believe it as I came upon.

I was just like,

I was so depressed listening to these two energetic fools talk about the candles and how you don't have electric.

Candles can be exciting.

Those two fucking chugs talking about candles might not be exciting.

If you dig into the background of candles, you will be able to.

Yeah, like candles being invented, right?

And like, how did they figure out, like, oh, this fucking whale blubber will burn.

Right.

This fucking shit will turn into soap.

And like, accidentally, a lot of times.

So, yeah, like, this candle conversation, no.

If I like, say, oh, I lit a birthday candle and then use Silly String and lit up my fucking kid.

Like, that's an interesting story to hear.

But these guys are making their own candles?

Did you ever hear that happening?

Oh, yeah, there's like videos about it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's always like somebody with a cake, and everyone's like, oh,

and they like, I guess they haven't seen these videos.

And like, how they didn't outlaw Silly String after that, after after those incidents or at least

chemical composition

would be a good step in the right direction.

Wait, what were we just talking about before?

Oh, the and the candles, yeah.

But listening to this particular candle situation, yeah,

put me in a bad place for a couple days.

Yeah, because how much can you talk about it?

Oh, apparently, hours.

As like, you know,

as you talk about where you get the wax from, you can get beeswax, you can go to a beekeeper and get cheap cheap free wax

you can go get you get your wicks you get your scents

you know you pay your

this candle from fucking bed bath and beyond is 15 bucks i just made a candle for a dollar wow so why don't you turn around and sell it then because you're never gonna be able to sell a candle like homemade candles to the jewelry disagree to the real public the real public wants the mass market okay yeah they want their real public doesn't give a fuck they just want it easiest.

So I know you can go to like a bed bath and beyond and buy that or deal with Giddem.

But I'd rather just go to bed bath and beyond.

Yeah.

Like, do they sell candles at Target?

Okay.

Then that it completely eliminates.

$100 at Target?

Yeah, the 45-minute conversation I'm going to have about where he got his wax from.

And how his scented candles are 10 times more powerful than the scented ones that you buy in the real retail stores.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just like.

So that's so he's at home pacing.

I don't, people don't care about quality.

Whatever's easiest, you know,

$15 a Target.

I'll just go get a candle, whatever.

It's not powerful,

but it's easy.

What's wrong with this?

It's not easy.

It's not easy, though, either.

It's not like it's like an hour process.

It takes a while to.

What, to go to Target?

No, to get a homemade candle.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's what I'm doing.

No, he's complaining that it's too easy for people to get candles.

You know, if it was harder to get candles, bet you'd sell a lot more candles.

Oh, Amazon delivers candles real easy.

Yeah.

They're going to deliver it tomorrow for free.

I don't know why, but they're going to, okay.

Dude, I live on Staten Island.

There's a huge Amazon warehouse.

Most days I get shit the same day.

I'm like, why am I doing anything?

Yeah.

It does all the, I hate to say it, but all that the online shit

does,

it incentivizes you to not leave the house.

Like the day before Memorial Day, I was thinking about going to the Highlands.

I was going to pick my bike up, and I looked at the

ways, you know, and you go down the highway and you see how far the red is, and I'm like, no way.

And I felt so smart that everybody else is in traffic, assholes.

And I'm sitting at home having a drink, playing a little Bioshock, just like totally cooling out while all these assholes are in traffic.

24 hours later, somebody's at home cooling out looking like, I wonder where this jerk off is.

I'm part of the whole thing.

Everybody is.

Did you hear Bezos said, though, that he said that Amazon is not sustainable, it will crumble under

itself?

What?

He said that, yeah, he said that.

Did stock price drop?

Look it up, you would think I guarantee he said it.

Wow, and it did send ripples through the company.

It's just like, why the fuck is he saying this?

He said, Somebody they're poised to take over the world.

Probably like so that it drops and then they can get somebody can get more stock, right?

I don't know.

Yeah, but he did say that, though, which I thought was strange, too.

Huh.

Would you want to be Bezos Q?

Yeah.

You would?

Of course.

Why wouldn't I?

But with all that, you know.

Sell it all and just fucking enjoy life.

Yeah.

Well,

Amazon

is saying, oh, they're saying they don't have a sustainability report, but that was 2012.

Let me see.

You're saying Bezos says this.

Yeah, Bezos said it.

He said it too

at a meeting with people working on it.

Maybe he means it in terms of they have to evolve.

They have to continually evolve because as it stands.

Well, I don't know, man.

I mean, how can you keep up this?

I mean, where's the is there big profits in this?

What they sell it for so cheap, they're not.

What they're talking about is

climate control.

Speaking of bulk,

when's the last time you've been in a Costco or a BJ's?

Well, it's going to be filmed, right, Parker?

Oh, okay.

But, I mean, I know people who have been in them recently.

I haven't been in one because I haven't been a member since the late 90s.

Yeah.

My wife just got a gifted membership.

Oh, Oh, I told you someone's never going out of business.

I know how you use them.

It had been, God, about 20 years since I've been in one.

It's like the Disneyland of

shit, you don't fucking need for a one.

That's the thing, though.

And

you get so hyped up when you walk in and like, you know, we haven't been in in 20 years.

So like we go in and we're like filling up the cart.

And then we realize like, oh my God, we just brought $30.

We have to buy $30 worth of ice cream.

Because you can't buy it a small size.

And then we get home.

$30 of it.

And then we're like, oh, we don't like it.

years.

So we don't like the ice cream.

So now we got like all this ice cream in the freezer, and we don't know what to do with it because they make you buy in such bulk.

They get you so hyped up when you walk in there because the prices are what seemingly are so great.

And it's just like from fucking floor to roof, just filled with products.

It's like, it's awesome.

I mean, we spent about an hour and a half in there just being like, holy shit, they got this.

Holy shit, they got that.

Like in massive quantities.

Look at this.

Fucking fucking 80 candles for $20.

But it does make you

buy more than you need, though.

You just can't help it.

Pam,

I don't understand about Pam whether she had six people in the house or just she and Edgar shopped at those places.

And I'm like, why do you need this much shit?

And now that she's older, she'll just get it online.

And it's like these boxes of stuff that come that it's like, why do you need like a gross of paper towels right now

like it's just just you guys

you know well is she not is she bought oh so she's not even going to the uh the Costco or the BJs and buying a new

sometimes but she'll do the same thing online

she just buys way too much stuff yeah what do you think that's from oh she's she's she would be a hoarder if Edgar allowed it a little more she would never throw anything away and she has a definite issue with like spending spending money on shit she doesn't need yeah

so in her mind she's saving money but really it's like by the time you use all this stuff your fucking children's grandchildren will be finishing it up behind like these antique paper towels

yeah I don't know any any plans for the big Memorial Day today

well it will be opening soon you know the doors will be open for the Memorial Day crowds suspect a lot of people is it a big uh comic book shopping day memorial day there's uh there's a there's a usually um some walk walk-ins some walk-ins on memorial day it's usually worth opening on Memorial Day for the Looky Lose and the

You getting time and a half?

No.

No.

No.

You guys got to unionize here, man.

Somebody.

His Twitter's at that Kevin Smith.

Walt

is asking you to go online.

One, you're open today.

Two, you're not getting time and a half.

That could be an extra $25 in Walt's pocket.

It's a holiday.

That's pretty standard.

Yeah.

You guys need to unionize, man.

You might can get them.

I don't see why there's no fucking winning over here.

It gives up before the fight even starts.

Dude, now we know why he's shopping at all these fucking save a bunch of money places because he's not getting time and a half.

That's crazy.

It wouldn't be worth opening then if we got time and a half for the employees because we wouldn't make enough money.

You want a day with your family, man?

You got a day off with your family.

I just had two days at home, so I figured, you know, I had the weekend off.

I mean, some people got to work on Memorial Day.

Sure, and they get time and a half.

Everybody?

Even after you're at Target?

Anytime I ever worked at at Hollywood from blockbuster video all the way up to the fire department, you get time and a half.

Oh, so you really?

Wow.

No, I didn't know that.

Yeah, like a lot of profess.

I don't know about Target and shit, but like, I know like nurses and like, like, professionals.

Something like, I guess you need a degree for.

I just want to start shitwork between Walt and Kevin Union.

I would love to see it.

Oh, and then they like hire like Pinkerton types to come in and fucking crack some skulls.

Holy shit.

Mike's bleeding in the gutter, not knowing what happened.

Why they pleaded.

Yeah,

he's trying to unionize with you guys.

Like, that's Kevin's response.

I watched a documentary.

I can't remember the name of it, but it was about like the cold country strikes in like, I guess it was like the 30s.

Yeah.

It's a brutal ugly shit, man.

Oh, my God.

You're like, hey, we just want slightly better working conditions and not have to live in a coal town where

we don't want script.

And they're like, I don't give a fuck.

That's how you get in that mind, bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the attitude you have to have.

You're going to be a hard, like cold-hearted industrialist.

You have to be able to send people in the mines knowing they're going to get black line to dig your fucking coal out.

It's crazy.

You got it in you want?

To do coal?

Well, not to be a coal miner, to be the coal mining guy who's like, getting there.

No.

I'm not goddamn old.

Well, When we were in the fire academy, they told us, they're like, one, this is a job that you could die on.

Someone you know will definitely die on.

And that did happen.

And they're like, most firemen, or a large percentage of firemen, they were like, you're going to get cancer.

They're like, all the shit you're going to breathe in over the next 20 years, you're going to get cancer.

And we all fucking sat there.

What is it that you're breathing in?

What's the cancer?

Oh, sure.

What's up?

Did you say we cracked up?

No, no, no.

I mean, I'm sure we did because we're asking.

Well, it's just like, you know how much when a house goes on fire now, plastics burn?

Car fires, all the equipment and stuff like that.

Really, all that is.

The fires are hotter today than they used to be because plastic burns, all the synthetic material burns much hotter than wood and dirtier than wood.

So you're just breathing in tar and plastics and all this shit that's going to give you cancer.

On average, how many fires are there per week?

Per week?

Depends on the house.

Some houses are busier than others.

Can you go weeks without a fire?

Oh, sure.

You can can go weeks.

You can go weeks without a fire.

It doesn't seem that way around us, right?

Well, that's the thing.

I've also

had three fires in one night.

It's like it's,

you just don't know.

And the season, the seasons are,

it's like winters, you get more flooded.

Do you guys get antsy?

Well, like, if it's been weeks and you're like, man, sure, I wish there was a fire.

We should light a fire.

It's like, backdraft.

What's Scott Land?

No, it's always something.

There's always a car.

My house had the highest car accident rate in all the city.

Oh, okay.

Car accidents.

I forgot about that.

Flooded basements.

Fucking.

And what do they call the firehouse for when you got a cats and trees?

Because it's an electric issue.

Like, if

water's falling over a basement, the electric's on.

So you guys can go in and turn the electric off?

Yeah, we go in.

She should turn the electric off.

They don't call electricity?

We should drain the basement.

We'll drain the basement if people are cool.

Really?

You'll do that.

Yeah, we got pumps.

We'll get them out.

We'll pump out people.

Me, you guys don't charge them for that.

Oh, no.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

If they're cool.

Exactly.

Because if somebody's a dickhead, we're like, nah, the pumps broke.

Sorry.

Later.

Then they got to deal with it on their own.

Then they got to deal with it on their own.

That's the way it goes, man.

You act like a dickhead.

You're going to get treated very well.

Spafen floods every time it rains.

And instead of getting it fixed, they just call you.

And then after a while, you're like, fuck this guy.

So they call you, and they, because it's flooded, and they're like, I need you to come turn my electric.

911 and 911 just sends us out to investigate it to make sure it's safe.

That would never occur to me.

Gaspers?

No, and I would think, like, I can't call the fire before I'm going to keep getting

have them do something so

insignificant as to.

I'll put it this way: in my firehouse, it's happened in other firehouse.

In my firehouse, there's never been a tour that I didn't get a run of some sort.

That just doesn't happen.

So, there's always some nonsense to deal with.

My basement floods.

Like, I go down there, there's tons of water in it, so much so that it needs to be pumped out.

My basement

is

not.

Yeah, I mean, if it happens.

Oh, if it happens.

My first thought is, I should kill myself.

My second thought is...

Why is it that traumatic?

And you're like, oh, my God, it's time to die.

That's the thing, it isn't.

But it's never like, if I found out, again, if I find out I have cancer, I'm not going to try to.

I wouldn't think I should just kill myself.

But it's the littlest fucking things.

Like, I can't do something simple, like fix the lawnmower for the third time, even though I watched the fucking cock sucking motherfucking YouTube video, you know, and did exactly what they said to do.

And I'm like, I'm useless.

I should fucking do it now.

I got a gun upstairs.

No, then fucking the gun control nuts will be like, see, see?

So I'll just, I don't know.

Maybe I'll stab myself.

I don't know.

I don't know how to do it.

But yeah, it gets in your head and you're like, oh, it's like it enrages you, these little things.

It's nice that you're on your way out and you're worried about the gun control nuts.

Because you figure like.

Like, this is something I should be able to do.

I'm not going to, like, they're like, oh, you got cancer.

I'm not like, oh, I'll just beat it.

Because that's not something you can do or should be able to do.

Fixing a long mo after after watching a video three times and it looks real simple.

And they're like, yeah, just blow out these things with this spray.

So I spray it.

You should get it.

And it sprays right back in my eyes.

Get them conducive.

I like stuff.

I'm gone.

Just get a new lawnmower on Amazon.

Just get a lawnmower service.

Yeah, but it's like 80 bucks to fix a lawnmower I bought less than a year ago for $300.

And then I go online and it's like an ongoing problem.

Don't buy Troy Built.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm going out there.

Say, I wouldn't buy Troy Bilt again.

I know I wouldn't.

Wow.

Jeez, dude, you're taking a stand against Troy Bilt.

Hey, a little guy.

He's got a stand-up sometimes.

I called a guy.

I was like, forgot it.

I called a guy just to mow the line.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll get a local kid, like a neighborhood kid who wants to earn a little pocket change.

Do kids work anymore?

Because

I don't see anybody coming around to shovel snow.

No kids are coming around to mow grass.

Are they even allowed anymore?

Like, every time a kid goes to somebody's house, they get like, they get abducted or some shit.

That's just you're not, I don't think you're allowed to sell Girl Scout cookies door-to-door, that kind of thing.

Yeah, not anymore.

That makes sense, though.

But

like a 16-year-old boy who wants to

wander around the neighborhood knocking on doors to mow grass should not be allowed.

I think he's okay.

What's that?

Those are some tight shorts, boys.

I'm sure that

that is still happening all across America.

Not my neighborhood.

When winter and storms come, their kids come around the neighborhood offering to shovel.

Really?

Yeah, I go, how much?

They give me a price, I double it.

Oh.

So then next storm, they come right to my house.

They know.

And do they know?

They're like, that fucking guy up there, anything we say, he doubles it.

No, they've kept it pretty consistent.

Let's say he tried to molest us.

We'll give him a price, then he'll double it.

Because I've said no.

I've said no to that.

Some kids are like, $50.

I'm like, what?

All right, dude, I'll do it.

For your current driveway?

Or the old driveway?

The old driveway.

$50.

$50.

That would be way too much.

Yeah, I give it $20.

Then I'll drop $40 on you.

You know what I mean?

And then they're industrious.

Some of them have snowblowers and shit.

Yeah,

good.

Did you go see that movie you want to see about the horror Superman?

I didn't.

I didn't.

Yeah.

I went to see John Wick 3.

We did go see it.

I finally got to see it, yeah.

The book fight, unbelievable.

Knife fight, unbelievable.

The dog fight, the first half of the dog fight, unbelievable.

All the fights, unbelievable.

But after a while, I'm like...

The final fight.

I'm just like, it's not even.

I'm just like, how are there this many assassins in the world?

And who needs all this killing?

And they all know who he is.

And the pedestrians, the other assassins.

Like, hello, Mr.

Wick.

Hello, Mr.

Wick.

It's like...

Oh, he's a legend.

I get that.

Yeah, put a disguise on then.

You're walking around exactly as everyone knows you look.

Yeah,

I love one and two, and

I'll probably watch three again.

I did enjoy it.

I'm looking forward, Rick, to the fourth one.

But

it was just too much.

I didn't see Brightburn yet, though.

No, I saw a movie two.

I saw something, number one movie of the weekend.

I saw Aladdin.

Oh, how was it?

I liked it.

Really?

Why?

Oh, I would die.

Incredulous.

Why the fuck did you go see Aladdin?

How do you top

Robin Williams?

He did a great job.

I thought the same thing.

How do you top Robin Williams?

He topped him.

He did it.

He did it.

He topped Robin Williams.

He topped Robin Williams.

I'm not kidding.

You're going to make me go see the stupid movie.

I'm not going to have it.

I'm my mother's life.

I really like the movie a lot.

When was the last time you saw it?

Are you saying he topped Robin Williams because there's allegations that Will Smith may be gay?

No, no.

What?

You heard that?

I never heard that about it.

I never heard that.

Oh, yeah.

We have an open relationship and Will Smith does gay stuff.

I'm not saying it's true.

I'm just saying that's what I think.

Why would I use that as a reason for saying that he was a better genie?

No, you didn't say that.

You said he topped him.

He asked me.

I didn't know if you read something somewhere that would prove the allegations.

Um,

when's the last time you saw Aladdin?

If you ever saw it to begin, sorry, but I haven't seen it probably.

Did you Robin Williams Aladdin?

Yeah.

Oh, with the cartoon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

What the fuck, what are we talking about?

It's great.

I don't know.

I'm not a fucking complicated

over 10 years.

More probably.

It was.

Yes.

It was

so much money sunk into this movie.

Choreographs, dancing.

Let me quickly.

I'm going to go quickly look up the review on this show.

I'm not kidding.

Why would I?

I mean, but there's a superhero horror movie out, and you went to go see it.

Yeah, because

no one's going to go with me to see that.

Who wants me to see a lot of wife?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, she's not going to want to go see Brightburn.

It's not going to happen.

We bought bulk popcorn.

We sat through four showings.

But I cannot recommend it enough.

Not fully.

It was so true to the cartoon.

I really enjoyed it.

And I thought he was.

You get to follow that guy and somebody else to be Aladdin.

He did a damn good job, though.

Really good job.

He's a great actor.

If you look at stuff like Six Degrees of Separation, Will Smith is really human.

He's a good actor.

He's really good.

Yeah.

So you have to

overlook the end was Independence Day.

Was that it?

Was that the one he was in?

I liked Independence Day.

Heidi Ford.

Yeah, I didn't like Independence Day.

I like him.

Yeah.

He was way too cavalier with an alien invasion.

Like, he's like, now you got me, put in your bio dreads.

Like, he really hammed it up for that kind of shit.

It's a movie.

What do you want him to do?

Be silently walking across the desert?

We want.

Sure.

We want him.

We want War of the Worlds type of reaction, you know, horror.

War of the worlds.

We want to, but different.

Yeah, I can't recommend it enough.

It was the costumes.

Yeah.

Dude, I want to

keep going.

The brightness, you know, just the

it was a gala event.

How is it?

Let me ask you something.

What's Jasmine?

Princess Jasmine?

Yeah.

Did they change her story a little bit to make it a little more woke?

Is she worried?

She's a bit more, she's a bit more,

she's a bit more her own woman than she was in the Disney movie.

Good.

Yeah, that's what it needed to be.

I remember thinking that.

You know, she definitely,

I don't remember if the movie.

I don't remember the cartoon as much as I should remember it, but I only saw it once.

And I actually saw it in the theater, too.

Same theater I saw the new live-action lab game.

Same company?

You were with this?

Yeah, same company.

So

it was like going back in time.

But

does she become the Sultan at the end?

Does that happen in this?

Yeah.

Oh, wait, what?

She has a sex change at the end?

No, no, but she becomes

the leader of the town.

It says

her father's like,

the running storyline is like she thinks she's good enough and smart enough, and she's the most deserving person to be the next sultan.

And her, instead of taking on princes from other countries

to become the new sultan and become her husband, she's like, no, I don't want to do that.

I want to be the sultan.

And at the end.

That's actually a pretty reasonable stance.

Yeah.

And at the end of the movie, she does become the sultan.

Wow, right.

Yeah.

And it's like, and he is her

little side piece.

Yeah, like candy.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, I mean, that actually makes sense because she was raised in it.

She knows the country.

He's literally a thief from the streets.

But he lives in the world.

He's a street rat.

I don't buy that.

Wow.

I introduced Brian to...

A TV show, What We Do in the Shadows.

Have you seen any of this?

This is the Vampire One Stein Island.

No, I've heard a lot of great reviews, though.

Fucking funny.

It is, it is, I haven't, like this,

Rick and Morty before this, I fell in love with, In Betweeners before, like, this is the news.

It's your new In-Betweeners.

It is fucking great, dude.

It's my Rick and Morty In Betweeners.

Now, all these shows,

you have become friends with the creators.

Yes.

Have you become friends with the new creator?

It's going to happen, though.

I hope so.

It's going to happen.

This is the guy that made Flight of the Concord.

He was one of the Flight of the Concord guys.

And I've been listening to those guys for fucking years.

He's one of the co-creators, right?

How do you do that?

How do you just make that happen?

How do you, like, you're like, I'm going to become

one of the most popular TV shows in history currently?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, no,

that's why we don't.

Yeah, like, I like things too.

I'm like,

I love the devils.

I never ever became friends at one of the devils, even though I would have killed him.

One of those energy credits or whatever.

But yeah, you just happen to be like, you know what?

I like a show.

And all of a sudden.

Bring the creator to me.

I wish to bestow my friendship upon him.

I want a bromance.

I think today I'm requiring a bromance, Nave.

Go seek out the creators of What We Do in the Shadows.

It would be get them, probably on loan, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

How do you make that deal?

Even was before Jokers.

No, it wasn't.

It was before Jokers was popping.

He didn't fucking know what the fuck Jokers was.

But you still had cachet as being on American television.

Well, I think that if I was British, maybe I wouldn't have broken through, but I was probably the only person in the United States singing about

Jokers at the time.

But there is, you don't sit there and go, this is weird.

And you don't think to yourself, like, how does this happen?

Like,

you think of something

and it gets done.

No, I love, I watch.

You're like John Wick, just like I said the other night.

It's not true.

There's plenty of shows that I watch that they're not like, hey, buddy.

If you wanted it to happen, it would happen, no.

I don't think so.

You know, I told Q the other day, because

Q had a very nice screening in the city of John Wick 1 and 2 a couple weeks back.

Who did?

Q did.

A private screening?

Private screening.

Well, for the crew, in Practical Joke, is I rented a screening room, and

I had my crew come and watch John Wick 1 and 2.

It was a great night.

For what reason?

Why that particular movie, though?

Because the third one was coming out, and Casey, my buddy Casey, had never seen the first two.

So I was like, oh, I was like, you should, I should come over one night, we'll watch it.

And then some of the people on the crew had said they'd never seen it.

So I was like, yeah, I'll just rent out a screening room or more.

So

you were like, I'd rather than all these people come to my house, I'll rent

40 people.

I can't get 40 people in my house.

How much does that cost?

You don't want four people in your house.

I don't want these people in my house.

How much does that cost, though?

And then you got to get the rights to.

The RJ Crew shan't ever be invited to the castle.

That's not true.

I would love to have him there.

It probably costs.

I mean,

it was a lot.

It was a lot.

Popcorn, soda.

Invite.

Beer.

I got an invite.

Yeah.

Did you go?

Of course I did.

I didn't get the invite.

It was in Manhattan.

I never saw John Wicks.

Oh, you want to do it?

I'll do it again for you.

Just me.

I just want to be.

You want to come to my house?

I'd rather come to the house than go to a third.

What's John Wick one and two?

I've never seen it.

Can you get me three, too?

You must be able to get some fucking cachet to get.

Can't you just get three?

Can't you just befriend the filmmakers?

Can't you just get fucking

Wayne or what's Wayne and who's Wayne?

Who's the other dude?

Wayne's World?

Ted and Wayne.

Who's the Bill and Ted?

Oh.

Can you get

Michael Winter?

Can you get Bill just to fucking act like John Wick and do to reenact it in front of us at your house?

So much money that guy has.

You think he gives a fuck about anything?

No, I wouldn't.

Who is that guy?

Not Johnny Keef.

Yeah, you can't get Cander Reeves just to reenact the whole movie.

No, Joe and Joe and Murray were at

the John Wick 3 premiere, and they were like,

they got introduced to him, and he didn't know who they were at all.

He doesn't know who I told you.

Holly Berry did that.

How come you didn't go to the John Wick premiere?

Because I

didn't want to see it in that environment.

I kind of wanted to see it with the people I've seen the other ones with.

So for you, part of the movie going experience is who you're with?

Well, yeah, of course.

What the fuck?

I mean, you don't go with just strangers, do you?

But it's not like the movie isn't better or worse because of the person sitting next to me that I don't talk to for two hours.

You're going to the movie.

You have a lunch beforehand.

You watch the movie.

You bullshit about it afterwards.

But if the movie blows, it's not going to be.

You're going to trip it apart.

Yeah, afterwards.

That's the best part.

Sal and I have seen every Saw movie in theaters.

What movie?

Saw.

Oh, I think you said Soar.

I was like, what?

No, that's probably how it said it.

The Saturn Islanders referred to as Sword.

They've given up spelling it correctly.

We've seen the SAW

franchise.

Franchise together.

Saw.

While correcting you on elocution.

Really?

No, you know what?

Yeah, to me,

like

the company of the person I'm with isn't going to change the quality of the movie, though.

Yeah, but it's a way to spend time with people that you.

Right, yeah, no, yeah, I get that.

Yeah.

Making jokes to the person next to you.

No.

Well, the movie, this experience was great.

Like, everybody was drinking, everybody's

screaming.

Like, it was really fun.

How long was that?

Five hours I rented a place for.

Did you just start it right at run right after the other?

No, there was anything.

It was like an hour intermission.

Everybody went out, got a couple of drinks, and then went back.

An hour intermission.

yeah.

Wow, it's like the old days, man.

It was funny.

Were you like,

were you okay with an hour intermission?

Yeah, I stood outside and talked to him the whole time.

Officer Troy came, yeah, Troy came.

Yeah, Troy came.

Oh, okay.

It was fun.

Yeah, it was a good time, man.

You got to do stuff like that every once in a while

for the crew, I think.

We should have done something like that for our crew when we had a crew.

We don't have a crew anymore.

You'll forget them?

What about our Patreon crew, you know?

Bring out

pumpkin and Chuck.

You can go to the movies with them.

I can't make it, but

you can take them to Sea Aladdin again.

You'd love it so much.

Well, I'm not going to rent the fucking theater out.

I got to pay for their own tickets.

I got the popcorn.

I got a shitload from cost

pumpkin.

You're going to have to sneak it in.

Just shove this down.

I'll shove it down my page.

It's going to look like we all got bubble books.

We'll get Victor to do it.

Yeah.

Victor, because he's been working out, so he looks all buff, so just put it under his sleeves and shit like muscles.

I had a weird experience the other day, one I've never had before.

Walt calls me

in the morning.

He's got a bring over a sweatshirt from the Patreon thing, right?

That wasn't in the morning.

It was five o'clock at night.

Was it that late?

Yeah.

Was it that late?

I thought it was in the morning.

Yeah, so I'm already a little alarmed.

It was 5.30 in the evening.

Wasn't it?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I thought it was 5.30 in the morning.

I was like, what are you here so early for?

No, but he's like, I'll be over there in five minutes.

And then like a half hour later, he got there.

I was worried that maybe he'd gotten into a car accident.

But once he was there, he brings over these two sweatshirts.

And

he's like, you know, what size?

It's not for me.

It was for Mary Beth.

And she's in the kitchen.

So I bring it in.

She tries it on.

And like, as I'm going back to bring the other sweatshirt to him, he's not a vampire because uninvited, he barges in, he pushes past me, and he's like, How's it look on her?

Now, she

she only was only in like a little t-shirt and panties, so like with the sweatshirt on, it was like right above, yeah.

So, just wait a second, so your girl,

your girlfriend who's less than who's half your age, yeah, is in the kitchen wearing nothing but panties, yeah, and this and the the sweatshirt.

What the fuck, dude?

That's amazing.

It's not without its pitch.

How do you feel?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm like, I know my personality is not that good.

I know how a mirror works, so I know that's not it.

I don't know.

Maybe once they're in, they just feel threatened.

Like, oh, I better not try to go.

It could be curtains for me.

He pushes past me and he's like saying, he's like saying weird stuff.

He's like, everybody in there dressed like he was, like, like he knew maybe they weren't.

And then, when he sees her, it's like, I know five, six seconds doesn't seem like a long time, but like when someone's like with their face, like their jaw like slowly opening.

And

she was up late last night talking about it.

She's like, You don't think we should like tell someone?

I was like, Who are we going to tell?

Did you catch an eye full?

I don't, I did, I don't even think I saw anything.

I just immediately turned around and fucked up.

It was so fucking funny.

Because I thought about it, in the moment, obviously I would have no reason to have my phone recording.

But if I could have recorded his reaction, which was one of like

he had just seen somebody get hit by a car or like just or whatever he was looking at, he's like, I've never seen that before.

And he's like, his eyes go around.

And

like, no, with military precision on his boot, he'll spins around and he goes, oh, and walks the other way.

I wanted nothing to do with that.

What would you do if he like

went up and down and goes, ew.

And then walked out.

That would be so fucking funny.

Oh, my God.

If.

Or like, whatever.

No, he's literally like, ew.

So it's not even whatever.

He's walks out.

It's a fucking dismissive of her attractiveness.

But you knew I was coming.

Yeah, I did.

So how the hell?

That's it.

She put pants on then.

Well, I think that I.

Well, but

tell her.

I didn't tell her you were coming.

I didn't tell her you were coming over.

Yeah, sure.

It was funny.

I had to make a decision.

In that moment, I had to make a decision.

I had to make a decision.

Really,

he didn't follow me.

He was in the living room and she's in the kitchen.

What are you doing in there?

And I go, I was like, how do you think it looks?

He comes in and he's like,

Let's see, like, saying that to you,

you would embrace it and be like, oh,

the sweater, but it does look good.

How does it look without that sweater?

Oh, I can see the cheeks.

Yeah, I know.

She laughed.

She thought it was funny.

She's like,

she's like,

you're an asshole.

But it was funny.

And I was like, you know what?

I said, you may blame me, but he's known me for over 40 years.

He knows

50-50 chance that when I'm like, how does she look?

That going into that room.

Something's fucked up.

Something may be happening.

Yeah, something may be fucked up.

So you roll the dice.

It's on you.

Yeah, Tim.

I mean, I just thought she had shorts on.

So I would then, but.

Why just been around so fast?

Because I didn't know what was going on.

Because then the weird laugh by you.

All right, it's time to go.

He was gone.

He was gone pretty quick.

I've been having a great, I've been driving a 1989 Crown Victoria around.

It is so much fun.

No, do people think you're a cop?

No, I think those days are gone.

Yeah.

But, dude, it's out there.

I drove it here.

It's out there.

Dude, it is so funny.

It's so fucking fun.

It was in the movie, the Impractical Jokers movie, we drive this car around.

And I have two of them, actually, because I bought them from production.

This one, I got insurance and registration.

I put plates on it.

And I've been sort of weekend driving type stuff.

I fucking love it.

And he's got a cassette tape.

Wow.

I was at my parents' place this weekend.

And my dad has mixtape cassettes that he's made for himself over the years.

So I took them because he doesn't use them anymore.

And so if I have this weird connection with my dad now, because I'm listening to his mixtapes.

His mixtapes.

Yeah, it's mixtape.

That he made for himself.

What kind of music is he?

It's all that southern racist shit.

It's a lot of Johnny Cash, a lot of Elvis, a lot of Billy Joel.

Not a lot of Billy Joel,

but a lot of country, Willie Nelson.

David Allen Coe.

Is that the guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's him, right?

Yeah,

it's been like, I've been texting my dad, like, arguing with his choices.

It's like a way to connect with your dad.

It really is.

That's cool.

I've been like, hey, you make some pretty good mixtapes, Pop.

I'm going directly over to Edgar.

So I'm like, where are your mixtapes?

Yeah,

all angrily.

Like, Q's connected with his father.

Where's your mixtapes?

Where the fuck are your mixtapes?

Give me him.

If I don't listen to him, we can't like each other.

Man cruising to Red Bank today, listen to the ink spots.

Like, think about that.

Oh, yeah.

How cool is that?

You know,

I think it's bizarre that he made mixtapes.

I thought that was, I thought that was like our generation.

I didn't know that was a boomer generation.

Well, I don't think he made, like, I don't think he made it like mixtape is in, like, always in

driving around and wanting to listen to what he listened to.

He just made these things.

Do you think he ever made any for your mom?

Like,

I would almost guarantee you.

Fiss down, ass up.

a little too live crew

I would bet the car that he never made one for never made one for your mom not a romantic have you ever have you ever talked about the origins of how

you know how he wooed your mom and how he how he won her yeah I know was it like a Romeo Juliet thing or was it like what position did you use

on the back they worked on Wall Street

they were I almost guarantee they didn't have sex to the other

so you have to see the face

I don't like to see the face because that's where the tears come from.

Just turn up the young spots and listen to it.

Driving down one of those desert highways with no other traffic whatsoever.

Was mom prude?

If she was, I hope you set a straight.

You're a king like me, dad.

So you don't think there was any

like epic, this wouldn't be like a TV movie, like a lifetime romantic movie?

They worked on Wall Street.

Wall Street.

So they were fucking from.

They were.

My mom is like a secretary, but whatever that is.

She's like Gordon Gecko.

Greed is good, Q.

Wall Street, though.

Well, he was waiting for the

city job.

What year would this be, like 1966?

God, no.

73, my brother was born.

So maybe,

yeah, maybe late 60s or something.

It would be like the madman times.

Was your dad like one of the madmen?

No, no.

He was

locking down accounts and chain smoking the whole time.

He would go on lunch break with his buddies and they would drink.

Till they were drunk?

Oh, yeah.

So finally,

what he means to say is his dad panhandled on all streets.

No, it gets better.

So the place assigned my mother and her friends

to basically have lunch with my dad and his friends to make sure they didn't drink too much on break because they would just go

do it, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.

So the company's a bunch of people.

Then you're saying this is not a television movie?

I don't think it's a good one.

You don't have someone that you send with Giddam so he doesn't get too drunk on his last break.

So you're saying the company that your father worked for.

Yeah.

We're like, we need to hire.

I'm having a problem with these companies.

Well, no, they were already working.

Instead of just telling the guys,

instead of telling the guys, you guys cannot get stinking blown drunk on lunch hour.

Yeah.

They're like, hey, what if we ask these women in the office to get to the bottom?

These 18, 19-year-old girls to boss around these men.

Put it down.

And it worked.

It worked so well that one of them got married.

Yeah, that's how my parents met.

And then my grandmother, my mother's mother, mother didn't approve of my father because he was Irish and told my mom that

you can't marry an Irish.

They're all wife beating drunks.

But it turned out that my father...

I didn't care about his mixtapes.

My dad's mom was Italian, so that helped.

Oh, my God.

Immensely.

It was the only thing.

It was the only thing.

And then they got married.

Yeah.

How did he finally win over

the in-laws?

No, it was

his mother, my dad's mother, and my my two grandmothers got together, became friends.

And through that, their stance softened.

How long was the

courtship?

My mother was 19 when she got married, so it was probably pretty quick.

Pretty quick, maybe a year and a half, yeah.

Did he stop getting shit-faced on the drink?

Oh, yeah.

I've never really seen my dad drink a lot.

I think once he started.

She made him an honest man, then.

She made an honest man of him.

Well,

he was 23.

You know what I mean?

Well, I mean, I don't mean honest man.

I mean, like, you know, no more drinking.

No, my, I don't know.

My father was not a big drinker.

He smoked a lot, but then when he got cancer, he stopped doing that.

That's a fucking

love story, bro.

That's nice.

It is.

And, and,

yeah.

What about you?

What about your parents?

How did they meet?

The flower show.

It was, yeah.

I mean.

Have you told this story before?

Well, remember I read it.

The flower show?

Yeah, I remember I read the book.

You remember

this on the F.

I read Pennsylvania diary.

I found it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I met a nice boy.

Yeah.

Never dreaming.

Even Edgar, at one point in his life, could pretend to be a nice boy.

In service of getting what he wanted, just like we all do.

In reality, that's really what it is.

He was being nice and not showing that fucking temper or blowing up until he got what he wanted.

Well,

maybe he didn't get what he wanted.

But he did get what he wanted.

Yeah, I'm evidence of that.

Fucking whore mother having kids almost out of wedlock.

Do you think

it would be horrible to think about, though?

But do you think it was the first time?

The first musclinger for Pam?

No, no, no.

Do you think it was on their first time?

Oh, like their first date that she put out?

No, no, no, no.

But their first

romantic did it.

I wouldn't be surprised.

And then that first time turns into Brian Johnson.

The first time.

Not even like there was like some good times before that.

It was immediately like realities and to slaps them in the face.

There's no like, yeah, but you know what?

It must have been

close because Edgar was, I think he was in military school.

He had to leave military school.

Oh, man.

Why?

Oh, he got thrown out, court-martialed?

Yeah, they're like, you got pussy.

Hand in your hat or whatever the thing is.

That would be a good thing.

It looks like a band leader.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Taking

the soldiers, dude.

That's what they're younger.

You're making a lot of assumptions.

I mean, mean i'm sure she would have wanted you as her lawyer

but i thought that but there's like a lot of strict rules especially back then though oh you're like morals clauses yeah so like they that's what they're doing today where you could be uh an oxyotic who practically brags about it and you still stay on tv

but do you think there was a chance though like they didn't even get a chance to have like a couple months of like just

wonderful, beautiful love.

But what was it immediately like, okay, their first time?

Then she's like, oh my God,

period was like seriously abbreviated.

He's like, what?

This is it.

This is it.

And there's no Roe versus Wade at the time.

Anybody who's anti-abortion, hey,

you're listening to something.

I'm an abortion survivor, right?

And she's like, I also just placed a gigantic order for a thousand paper towels.

Yeah, she's like,

we can make diapers for baby fry

who i was baby edgar for like days until we

yeah oh really you mean they were gonna name me edgar originally and then change it to brian they're like we need something original that no one's heard of or seen before something that's really gonna set up where it was so where was the flower show in highlands uh it's always like i think it was at the church it would have been like flower power would have been all the rage you're probably your mom had painted her face like she's on

like a midrash like a midriff marriage Yeah, yeah, she's got the fringe.

And Edgar comes in with love.

She's like, last week I shot a black guy at Eltamont.

Edgar is like, make love, not war, baby.

Yeah, and then she like, he was in military school, so she put like a flower in the muzzle of the fucking

shit, you know, like as a metaphor.

He's like, yeah, that's hot.

You guys are so hot.

Have a weekend furlough or whatever the fuck it is.

Went to the flower show.

Now, who is that's his?

Now, why is a soldier going to a flower show?

I don't know.

I don't know if he was a soldier.

No, he was like, this is like, this is where some other soldier was like, this is where all the chicks are at.

We'll go to the flower show.

You think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, they let you do anything to them with no consequences.

He's like, yeah?

It is.

It's the Johnson Luck, man.

It's like a fucking

series of blacks.

No strings.

No,

they don't care.

It's like free love is in

your sexies, man.

They won't put pressure on you to get married.

Worst case, you get a little clap to give you a shot.

You're on your way.

Yeah, all right.

And I just, I just, well, once I

get her where I want, I just kind of put it in.

Yeah.

Just 50 years later, you're having an argument with your son about your Down syndrome,

period.

How have you not heard this term?

I sat an hour in traffic, asshole.

What, so I could come and find out that I can't take her to the goddamn pool anyway?

And you see him start to space out and he starts going, going.

In his head, he's drifting back to that flower show.

His memories are in sepia tone.

You know, I like if I was more forward-thinking, uh, I would have made F is for Family.

You ever see that?

The Bill Burner.

Netflix, yeah, it's so fucking good.

Really?

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute.

There's a show called that?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's an animated cartoon.

I think I was using that as my ending to Father Flanagan, probably because subconsciously.

Didn't you also wake up your daughter like that one time?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, it's really close to growing up in the 70s with like

the

recession,

the working-class parents who are constantly yelling and fighting and all that shit.

When you're a kid, you pretty much did whatever you wanted.

Today, if you saw an eight-year-old kid walking around the woods by himself, you'd be like, what the fuck?

But we did it all the time.

Like, it was nothing.

Do you often wonder, like, like, because you say, like, even though you're from uptown Highlands and

you had all the amenities that the downtowners didn't have.

PCR.

Right.

Like altitude.

That was it.

Do you often wonder why he had so many children, though?

Yes.

Like, why didn't he do something about it so he didn't like have more of.

Yeah, it's like, wasn't the first one

a serious.

You're talking about cutting out Eric?

No, no, I'm just saying, though, like, because, like, if he says times was tough, yeah, he continued to still have children, though.

You can't cut out Eric.

Yeah.

You can't cut him out.

Because if he stopped having kids, then we wouldn't have Eric.

No, no, but

why do you think

I understand?

I know they need it for their own sanity.

But why, yeah, why do you think he wasn't like, you know what?

I'm just not going to, I'm not going to have six kids.

I don't know.

Really?

Do you know something I don't?

Or five kids.

Four.

Or four kids.

I don't know.

I can't say for sure because it's not like at one point we were flush and he's like, all right, you know, like, this gravy train is never going to end.

So I'm going to have some more kids.

It's like, any time there was a kid, there was financial strife.

There's no way on earth there's like every time he

got romantic, he had a child.

He's like, he's sex four times in his life.

He's like, you know what?

I have a really bad.

I have just had bad luck.

It's just not worth it.

I don't want to do that anymore.

Unless I can put it somewhere else on her.

She seemed reluctant, but

we don't have the money.

I mean, I don't know.

Like

the stress that comes with that.

Yeah, and it's not.

And it sounds like

you've painted.

Why continue to keep having children?

Because those explosions generally came down to money or like coming home and Pam had done nothing around the house, that kind of shit.

But yeah, I don't get it.

I don't get it.

And like, yeah, of course, in retrospect, you want to sacrifice Eric or Darren.

But at the same time, it's like, Eric wasn't born until 76.

So you had seven years to be like, all right, our financial picture has not gotten any rosier, really.

So, no, we're not going to have any more kids, but then Eric.

And then a year later,

financial position the same.

And Edgar made the mistake of trying to start his own business in the height of the recession.

What business?

Construction?

Yeah, construction stuff.

So, and construction was like falling off because nobody was putting like lending rates for like 18%.

It was crazy.

And I remember him like, and he would do shit that I'm like,

even at the time, I'm like, you crazy.

Like, I'd be in seventh or eighth grade, and there was like this old guy that he worked for over in Little Silver, and he would do stuff around his house for him.

And it was like a Nor'easter,

he went food shopping for the guy, you know, did all this shit, and then the guy ends up not paying him.

And then Edgar puts out a bunch of money on some house in downtown Highlands one time, and then they didn't pay him.

And I remember hearing him talking to his partner about burning the house down, really?

Yeah, and I think it's just one of those like

we should do this.

They, um, the name of their company was Ark Builders, like Noah's Ark, because they were, I still have a card, I still have a company card from probably 1970s.

That's Edgar Religion.

Oh, yeah, in the 70s.

Yeah,

he thought Noah was real.

I don't know if he was just like, he's real, but I don't, you know, probably did.

Because if I ever questioned my parents about that shit, it was always spoken like real literally.

Like, yeah, the Bible says it.

So

he really believes that some dude

is true of every animal.

I don't think anymore, but if you're not stopping people from teaching your children that, you're kind of, you either believe it or you're complicit in the bullshit, you know?

Wow.

So you should bring it back.

You should make, we should do some ARC,

some sort of project, ARC, like business.

Not construction.

Not to be associated with ARC, the Association for Retarded Citizens.

We're not going to open a thrift store where you guys can.

Let's have cocktails coming through.

That would make

a big business, though, if we were to

make an ARC thrift store, and it's not really associated with ARC.

It would make big money.

And if we get them running, people will think it's associated with it.

Well, we call it A-R-K.

Right.

Well, it was so big that the one on Mammoth Tree went out out of business.

Oh, you ever see the Goodwill Square in Highlands?

It's crazy.

It's packed constantly.

There's a lot of people.

People

give you the product for free.

They will.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a whole win-win.

And you don't even have to go get it.

Right.

I drop it to them.

Yeah.

I'm actually,

back on my, in the back of the Crown Vic is an old tube TV, DVD, VCR combo that I'm dropping off at the

at the place tomorrow.

How come you're dropping it off?

It works?

It works perfectly.

You want it?

Yeah, drop it off here.

Give it to the needy.

I'm sure they're going to just resign it.

Give it to the needy.

Off air.

I don't want to.

I don't have any VHS tapes that would

make me want to.

Buy some from the Goodwill because I saw they had planned.

Did you see how many of me?

It's like

how crazy is it that they give that much space to VHS?

That CDs

glass items.

Yeah.

There's a lot of clothing there,

and then there's shit where it's like, who would ever buy this?

It's a massive hutch.

Massive.

But they do take anything.

I guess they must just chuck the shit they don't need, but they will take anything.

You know?

Goodwill.

And I asked him, they were evasive about it, though.

I was like, where does the money go?

Because I wasn't sure.

And he's like, you know, it goes to help out people with special needs, that kind of stuff.

But it was like sort of vague.

He wasn't.

Yeah, you're asking just a clerk, though.

Yeah.

In fact, he might have been a guy with special needs.

I don't even know.

I'm not sure if, you know, they work there, too.

You got an ad?

I don't think we have any ads.

No.

I was going to bring up one more thing.

I can't remember.

Oh, fucking.

I saw this thing.

You're a pretty good judge, Walt.

So there's this girl.

She's 17.

She's one of these Instagram models, which I'm not sure.

How does that pay?

If you have sponsorship, it pays.

But I don't know how many people have sponsorships.

So there's a 17-year-old Polish model girl.

She's an Instagram model.

She thought it would be funny to take a hammer and smash the nose off a 200-year-old statue.

Right.

Oh.

Where is what country is that?

It's going to hurt her followers.

It already has.

She loves her.

Followers are going to start going to.

Where was the statue?

Where was it?

That's fucking nuts, man.

It was, let me see, I had it right here.

Outrage after Instagram model smashes nose off.

So there's the statue.

There's the girl.

And you look at her.

You're like, that's a model, huh?

Anybody can be a model.

That's crazy.

What is wrong?

Or just look like one.

She maliciously did it, or she didn't think

it was.

Did she know it was an old statue?

She knew.

Did she know how old it really was?

I don't know.

She said that she doesn't know why she did it.

Well, I could.

I'm sympathetic to that.

I don't know why she's not.

It's only a six-second video, but

she posted herself doing it.

She actually is like, here I am.

Oh my god, what's wrong with her?

And then some girl, whoever's recording it, is laughing.

And I'm like, what?

Okay, so what's going through your head where you're like, I know what people will love.

Like, why would you?

And it's not like it's a statue of some controversial character like we have in the South here and people are like, you know, knocking down or whatever.

Yeah, it's just.

You know what it is, is, though.

Let's remember, she's 17.

Yeah.

And in this world where you constantly need to create content, you can make errors and judgment.

You're constantly having to create content for your followers.

I mean, I smashed the nose off Buddy Christ for Patreon.

Oh, my God.

Imagine Kevin's reaction to them.

Dude, I got likes.

But that's the world we live in now, where you're making bad choices because you're like, I got to create content.

I got to be out there.

I got to be edgy.

And you just are like, you lose

sight of

what's right and wrong because you're just so

excuse

for attention.

But what you could do is say, like, okay, she's like, I'm the gnome hunter.

And then she just goes around and smashes, no, not real dwarves or anything.

I can see her face.

I was like, I love that.

I would watch that.

I would watch that.

Frank 5% gnome smasher.

But you go around smashing people's garden gnomes, and while malicious and illegal, isn't destroying history.

It's destroying a threat.

It's destroying a tacky lawn ornament, really.

So if that's your thing, I don't agree with it because you're ruining people's stuff, but I get it.

I'm like, who did you think was going to like this?

Aside from the friend that's recording it, you know, like, who's going to like this?

Oh, yeah.

That was a really bad,

bad decision on her part to then think that people would dig that.

And

it's amazing how many people think, like, okay, I'm good looking.

That's enough.

I can do anything.

I can do anything I want.

And people will pay attention to me and people will go online and tell me how great I am for being good looking.

To coast on that.

can she come back from this queue?

I guess there's always a way, but I don't see why anybody would bother giving her a path.

What would you do if you were her to try to repair her horror?

He's the PR firm?

Well, no, he's, but like, you know, she goes to him and she's like,

What can I do?

How can I win back and get my followers back?

I mean, the first thing you got to do is really understand what you did wrong.

Like, it's not.

I think she does.

So then you got to come out and be like, you got to explain.

You got to cop to it.

You got to be like, I was.

Actions?

What actions?

What she did.

I'm going to try and raise money to repair the statue and, like, fix it because what I did was.

What if she devotes her life to sculpting gnomes?

Well, that doesn't really fix what she did, though.

Oh, for every, for that, for every.

Yeah, but who cares about her gnome?

I'm going to sculpt 20 gnomes

to make up for that one I destroyed.

It's not repairing the damage she's done.

She's still making it about her.

Now she needs to drum up interest in her stupid fucking gnome.

So I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Now, it said in the article that she had 6,000 followers on Instagram.

I'm looking at her Instagram now, and she has 7,300 followers.

Oh, she got more.

She got more followers.

Which still, I'm just like, how is she an Instagram model?

I mean, then Sage is an Instagram model.

Sure.

Because mostly I just put up pictures of Sage.

We have like, what, almost 30,000 followers?

So maybe she's an influencer and model.

Just make sure, you know, when she sees a gnome statue don't let her

i'm like yeah whoa whoa whoa

i know normally we smash people's stuff i just read an article the other day

i gotta put a call out too um

for uh pam

her book

she had well she has three books now the trilogy is written um and she showed me this piece of paper with like she had contacted some company and

they're going to publish shit also but vanity publishing so it's not what does that mean it's not like random house it's like yeah basically

but they they give you all these um

you know it's like we edit it and we design the cover right and we'll make you a web page and one of the things that this is the story that you read oh so many years ago on the chapter wolf

and okay this is it's done done the trilogy is is done but she needs uh the big thing she needs is an editor they also said they would make they're like, they won't supply the editor in their pitch tape.

No, they will, but it's so expensive.

I'm like, this is not worth it.

Like, all this stuff you're getting is not worth it.

One of the things was the guy in the pitch video, he's like, you know, we'll make a video that will hopefully go viral.

Hopefully you'll viral.

Yeah.

I'm like, well, have you had any videos that went viral?

No matter how much you hoped?

I said we can, when we have the guys come down one of these times, I was like, we can make a quick video for it.

Sure.

Right?

Like, it'll it'll be nothing.

It'll take nothing to do it.

What's a good email address though?

Do you know the, is it help at

editors?

Yeah, if you're an editor and you're going to learn to read the trilogy?

We're going to have to read the trilogy, I guess, and do their editing.

And she's going to pay for it.

No, no, no.

No, she's going to pay for it.

You don't have an email?

No,

I forget what it was.

Shit.

Sorry, now I'm stumbling.

I thought it was help at tellhamstevedave.com and then he can just forward them to me.

Why don't you just do it on the website?

On the tellhemstevedave.com.

There has to be a contact info.

Oh, yeah.

Go to the, yeah, that's a good, that's a good idea.

Go to tellhemstevedave.com if you're an interested editor and

go to the contact and send it to Tommy Lincoln.

Just put in the

subject line, editor.

Has she looked into submitting it to real publishing houses?

You can't do it without an agent.

They don't take unsolicited.

Yeah, and it's almost impossible, right?

I don't know.

Nothing's impossible.

It's not

totally impossible.

Highly unlikely.

Yeah.

How many people don't want to read that shit?

Oh, my God.

If each three books, if each one's 300 pages, probably like 900 pages of that shit, you got to slog through.

Only one good part, as far as I know.

If you got three editors, if you got three editors, that's true.

Yeah.

Have you have you?

A team.

Do you either you don't think there's any more scenes of that

level of depravity?

Yeah,

I would hope so.

I'm not sure.

Like I said, I just read that one.

Like, that's as far as I got because that's pretty much as far as she had gotten at the time.

So

I don't know, though, if she's quick enough or cognizant enough to realize, like,

that is what stuck out.

I'll just do more of that stuff.

Whatever the people like.

I don't know.

Well, happy Memorial Day to everybody.

Oh, isn't it the start of TSD?

Cinco Cinco TSD Mayor?

Yeah.

This is it.

This is it.

We're in it.

We're right in the thick of it.

Right.

So celebrate as you see fit until we come up with something.

We tried to do something last week, right?

Yeah, we were going to do something.

Oh, yeah.

We were going to

drink all day today, but yeah, it's just the traffic.

Oh, just the traffic.

You didn't have your assistant drive you down.

No, no, I'm driving the Crown Vic, baby.

I've been looking on eBay at like muscle cars and shit.

They're not that much, but I'm like, I would really like one of these to cruise around in.

It just looks fun to meet.

When we're done,

that's no muscle car, but it is so much fun to drive.

Yeah, I'll let you drive it around.

Do donuts in the parking lot?

Nope, nope.

Tell him to be Dave.