#404: Romancing the Stone

I want these pizza shit cards next to my fucking celebrity car.

Celebrity running weird.

It's just so weird to just all of a sudden just appear nude.

You should be sterilized.

I'm not even kidding.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em, Steve.

Dave, I'm here with Walt, and I'm here with Q.

What?

And I'm here with a big old fat kidney stone, Q.

Yeah.

What happened?

Let's say Friday, Tuesday.

Tuesday, I had something like you text, and you never mentioned it.

No.

Like, we were going back and forth joking all day, and you have never like.

Yeah, no, I'm not a complainer

about certain things.

One thing me and you are, my friends, were complaining.

Can you believe this?

It did make me think that, like, Tuesday, I had, like, this pain in my lower back and, like, across the front, like right below my stomach.

And that had happened the same day that Murray's thing, the Awaken thing, we were supposed to go to, that we went to.

Right.

I had a kidney stone that day, too, but it passed.

Oh, so this is a multiple stone.

This is the second one.

Two stones.

This is a second one.

And Tuesday, it was like painful, but I was like, what the fuck?

It feels like that, but

then it went away.

And then

yesterday, the day before Wednesday, it's like well into the afternoon, and that pain came back.

And I'm like, shit, all right, let me just hang out.

Let it go away.

It never went away.

It just increased to a point where, like, because I don't want to go to the fucking hospital.

Don't want to go to the ER.

What are you going to do?

So I went to the ER.

Because at that point, I'm like,

is something going to explode?

Like, it fucking really hurt.

So I went there and they put me in the er and as i'm thinking about i was thinking about like alan deadwood when he a piss pot

i'm sitting there with they gave me tordol which is like strong tylenol or something

now do you tell them that you like

that you got a history and you don't want to take something really strong i absolutely do not tell them that are you fucking kidding me i i took the tordol which is non-narcotic and i it was like an hour so why don't you just say i need if you're not okay so you're being you're not being you're being serious serious.

You will you would have taken a stronger pain medicine.

Oh, I did.

I had to.

Oh, you had to.

Yeah, I had to.

I waited about an hour with the non-narcotic stuff, and it just wasn't cutting it.

And then they gave me morphine.

Oh, a morphine drip?

No, it was just like a shot right into the gate.

Yeah, like in my chest, like an adrenaline shot.

No, like right into the IV thing.

It's a really small little bottle.

But you do feel that like, that like flush.

A blanket of comfort.

Yeah, and it did it did make the pain go away, but I didn't feel like

high or anything.

Probably because like it had to attack the pain first, I guess, because it fucking really hurt.

And then they uh

they say it's like courting birth.

That's the the doctor, the l the doctor said that women who come in, many of them will say the kidney stone was way more painful than so you know what it's like now to

feel the pain of

somewhat on a somewhat

on me

I don't want to hear about your baby pains.

Does morphine feel like different from like how's weed and morphine different?

Weed, I think, it gives you a certain goofy head high where

you feel relaxed.

But for me, opiates anyway, like it's everything's okay.

Any little like with weed, you can you still get paranoid sometimes or, you know, like you'll feel on edge, but like with an opiate, I feel like it just like literally washes every problem away temporarily until you're until you're like oh my god I ran out of sling boxes

everything's fine yeah

but um but there's a rash of kidney stones going around my mom's it's an epidemic friend is dealing with it right now Gidham just passed how many did you just pass recently get them it's like a gravel pit

damn it's all crystallization over here in in the Monmouth County Q you may walk out of here with a kidney stone.

I hope not.

No.

What causes them?

I don't know.

Get them like calcification and shit.

There's a couple different reasons.

I don't say too much protein.

Too much protein.

Too much protein in it.

Damn, Mary Beth would have tons of that right.

Do you think, because I drink, I pretty much drink tea from the second I get up to cold or iced tea?

Iced tea.

But

it is all day.

Why?

I love it.

I just love it.

What's the brand?

Oh, no, I have a machine at home.

I make it.

Oh, sorry.

It's your home brew.

Homebrew.

And then when I get this set, it's Pureleaf.

It's $30 on Amazon Release.

Got his own brewery.

All over the place.

It's the third.

The micro brewery.

It's a fucking.

So you have your own little recipe for your tea?

No, I just take a couple of Liptons, I throw them in the top.

What it does, it just

heats water.

You get a pitcher, you fill it with ice, put it down, and then it's like a, it just goes over it, and it superheats the water, throws it over tea bags, that drips into it onto the ice.

And the tea bags are keeping away the

kidney stones, get them, you believe.

I wonder if that's what it is.

Caffeine is a diuretic, so it should help in flushing the system out.

Right.

Caffeine?

Yeah, it's a diuretic, yeah.

I do pee a lot as well.

When I go to the yard, I should have just called it.

Oh, you know what?

He would have loved it, too.

There's nothing more the man loves to do than to

tell you what's wrong, even though he has no fucking idea.

They may not have even asked.

The word stoic was thrown around, though.

Who?

The doctor said I was stoic in my approach.

Really?

And how so?

Well, she said a lot of people will like

doubled over.

Yeah.

Do you have to show her everything?

I begged.

I was like, you probably need to see it, right?

Do you really?

I'm not fooling around.

Do you need to show your nude body?

No.

No, okay.

No.

Dude, that's why I'd be terrified, and I'd be like, I don't want to go to the doctor.

Like, if I got a female doctor, I'd have to strip down naked.

I don't know.

I don't want to go.

Really?

I'd love it.

I'd be like, check it out, man.

It's only what God gave me.

He gave me a lot.

God was generous on December 17th.

1967.

She's like, Ew, you're 51?

I told you you were 60.

I wouldn't want to do it if it was a guy doctor, but if it was a female doctor, I would leave.

I would be like, I can't do this.

I'm telling you, if you felt this.

I know.

You wouldn't leave.

You'd be like, I don't care.

Yeah, I don't care.

You don't care.

When I got my knee done, then they're looking at your wiener the whole time.

Why?

Why is that?

Why do they gotta look at that for?

Look at your knee.

It's not even near where you gotta look, like, navigate.

Well, I think because everything's sterile, so you can't have any clothes on, so you just have the gown, and they just push it up, you know, to

work out.

You don't have to push it up that hard.

Yeah.

They went higher than they need to, my opinion.

Again, that's

I want to see Walt's Hospital where it's just like your modesty is at a

premium

fucking handmaiden stand.

I guess it's one of those hang-ups.

It's not definitely not modesty.

It's just like one of my ticks.

Huh.

That you don't like.

You don't like the idea of somebody.

No.

When you got married, was it like a big deal?

Did you have like a...

Did you change behind a curtain and shit?

But come out out in a robe and see.

No, of course not.

Not with the woman you're married to.

I'm talking about like strangers.

It's just so weird to just all of a sudden just appear nude in front of a stranger.

Yeah, it does.

I don't know.

Asian

thought so, too.

Everybody says that.

Crossing guard, get away from the school.

Yeah, that's something that bothers me.

I mean, I don't get off on, like, if somebody was looking through the window,

I wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, that does it for me.

But I also,

like, somebody happened to see me through a window or something.

it wouldn't do anything for me but it wouldn't it wouldn't make you a guest no i wouldn't i really wouldn't care you wouldn't want that person arrested they're walking by they see me naked i'm like how dare you i thought they were going out of their way to see you my stars like they were hiding in

everywhere

did you uh turn the troops like right next to the window have you watched any of what we do in the shadows this series no i heard it's good though it's pretty good and uh there's some good peeping tom like jokes yeah it's pretty funny there was one moment that i was laughing so hard.

I was like, he would love this.

It's pretty, it's not, it's, it's good.

It's got a lot of room to grow.

There was.

It takes place on Staten Island.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's set on Staten Island.

The movie's really good.

Movie's really good.

And this, the premise of this is the vampires were sent to the new world to take it over, and 200 years later, they just live in a house on Staten Island.

It's pretty freaky.

Yeah, and they use real streets from Staten Island and stuff like that.

Like, it's, it's.

You know why I think that guys like us, our age, and what we, what we didn't go through, um, make us the way we are is that like we didn't serve.

Like guys in the service see everything in anybody, and that doesn't matter.

Like, we're just like, we're just so

sheltered, and you know, we didn't have to go through that kind of experience.

That's why we were so like.

We had our own World War.

That would have been like the high school showers.

We were the last generation, pretty much, to be like,

you have to get naked with a bunch of guys.

Yeah, because I think my brothers were like, it had ended by the time they were graduating high school.

Yeah, where the showers were in the building, but we didn't use them.

Some weird kids use them.

Yeah.

I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Now, when you say weird.

But look, if everybody's doing it, that's one thing.

But if no one's doing it, there's three dudes in there.

You're like,

one of them's a captain of the football team.

You're like, what is going on over there?

I would use it for basketball, like basketball practice, because you get so sweaty between classes and shit that it's like, you kind of had to.

to um

otherwise because i'm a sweaty sweaty guy like i'm outside running around or whatever yeah i'm gonna get all sweaty

um i would feel i think i feel worse for the person looking at me then you know it's like i'm not fucking i'm going back to see me naked yet it's like it's not like i'm in peace yeah doctors got to see all sorts of stuff all day long right but it must be difficult but you you really can't help it though like if you have a female doctor and they need to see your cock you're just like oh yeah you gotta do it you gotta do it but in your mind, like, look at my doctor, and I'm looking at these boobs.

Like, there's gonna be some boobs.

Not every boobs.

Not every boobs.

Not every boobs.

All boobs are a pleasure.

As a professional, though, like, they can just be all the same across the board.

I think they can.

They could turn it off.

Yeah, I couldn't do that.

They have to, because, like,

what if you're a boob doctor in L.A.

and then you go home, like, do you get tired of your wife's boobs?

Or you look at them like, what if you're a gynecologist?

Like, does the vagina lose all mystery for you?

Depends on how great your partner's is, right?

Right.

Because you probably see

disaster areas.

Working in a candy shop, right?

A chocolate factor.

A chocolate shop.

You don't want to, once you work there too long, you don't want to taste any more chocolate.

Yeah, I didn't watch a movie for 10 years after I worked a blockbuster video.

Yeah.

Really?

No, of course not.

Yeah, that doesn't make sense, you know?

You know, you get surrounded by something 24-7.

You just don't want to look at it anymore that's why i don't laugh anymore walt

you're dumb

american can laugh i'll be the sad clown

so fucking sad i ruined the joke on this oh yeah you came you came armed with uh something you haven't seen in a few years uh fidget spinner but shaped like a dollar sign and i wonder it does it does look like um

the fidget spinner

you're above average income yeah that would that would have been a double digit spinner i think

in a corner somewhere Sage had like a plastic one that you know it looked real cheap but that one looks like a quality

yeah you said you paid a couple hundred for it I found it literally in a corner

and I wanted to make it my I was gonna claim it was my new yeah has it gotten to that point yet though where like or like do you like has

has items that you want to purchase, have they lost, have you lost the ability to kind of

see a value on them?

A realistic value?

Because somebody was like, that fidget spender is $100.

You're like, oh, I like that.

It must be worth.

Or

has that set in yet?

With all your successes?

That?

Like $100 level?

Yeah.

I probably blew past that, yeah.

You blew past that already.

I think I blew past that.

I just started with a thousand.

You blew $400 on a fucking statue of fidget chicks each other out.

No, things start getting, like, I lost $500 gambling

maybe four or five months ago, and I felt sick to my stomach.

That's good.

I could probably weather it, but

it made me really upset.

But I think $100

level is

probably what $25 used to be.

Okay.

If that makes sense.

Still, that makes total sense.

But I'll buy the stupid fidget spin to make my friends laugh.

Or a statue?

No, I've jerked off over that like four times.

Already, huh?

Yeah, I keep calling the woman on her knees.

It's fantastic.

I showed Mary Beth the picture, and I was like, you know, I bring this home home and I put it up on the mantle.

What are you saying?

And she's like, well, if I can have a matching one with a guy sucking another guy's dick, and I was like, you know, I'd accept that challenge.

Absolutely.

I would invite it, definitely.

So that was her answer?

Yeah.

And that neutralized it right now.

Is there a search?

Nah.

I'm sure there is.

There has to be.

Come on.

Right.

There's a market.

Somebody's sculpting one right now.

What do I just type in a homoerotic bronze statue?

Yeah.

Erotic.

That could go either way.

Statue.

images

oh oh there's plenty

yeah there's no you got you got

yours but

oh yeah no problem that is no place in my erotica collection no no you know like two dudes uh i mean i don't mind that it's just not for me what about like a real archie thing like a like a david statue walt can you Can you do that?

Like a Michelangelo?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Versus like two guys scissoring.

Yeah.

uh like a david like michelangelo like yeah um

what do you think it goes back to because obviously everything goes back to when you're a kid right like what happened that you're like i don't want to be naked in front of people

you're just i'm not sure yeah is there like my three uncles throwing me on the ground and tearing my clothes off

i think most people are like that though i don't think most people are okay with being

for no reason like for not for no reason but for any reason having having to like all of a sudden get naked in front of a stranger, whether it's a medical thing or for

an acting role.

I would imagine, like, for most people, not everybody, I'm sure there's some voyeuristic and exhibitionists out there.

Pervs, right?

I didn't say that, you did.

But, um, I just, you know, assumed you were going to say it.

But I, I mean, I think most people would have a little bit of a

it'd be uncomfortable.

But I mean, not just seeing you, but like the monkeys thing that you talked about, where it always made you feel weird, the monkeys in the tub, or more recently, as an adult, the plywood cut out of the kid pissing, and you were outraged.

Like, you don't like nudity

in public at all?

In public?

No, I think that it's a personal private kind of

like Times Square, where some of the women body paint and shit.

Yeah.

Appropriate or inappropriate?

Apparently, I guess it's appropriate because it's allowed that could go on, you know.

I think you should be able to go to Times Square without seeing painted people.

Because what's to stop you from painting a cock then, right?

Right?

I mean,

you mean like that?

You don't approve of that.

Let me see this.

There's a picture of me in Times Square with a.

I mean, honestly, I don't care.

But I can see that if people have families and shit, and they're like bringing their kids around and there's.

Because there's no control over it, right?

Anybody can go there and do it.

Well, you forget, this is New York City now.

Anything's acceptable.

Anything's acceptable in the streets these days.

I guess if you're going to New York City and you're bringing kids, you have to put that consideration in there that that might happen.

So I think people, or most people, are okay with it.

I don't think anybody's going to walk in stunned.

Right.

Well, you got the naked cowboy guy who's not really naked, but

you know, plays in his underwear.

And there was a naked cowgirl who was like a real old lady, I believe.

So what's the prognosis?

Is that what they say?

Prognosis?

They were like, here's some medicine.

Take this shit and...

Drink iced tea.

Yeah, drink all the iced tea.

Homebrew, preferably.

Drinking iced tea all the time, you stop drinking the iced tea?

Yeah, I don't really drink iced tea that much anymore.

Just water, pretty much, or cranberry juice.

Start getting on the tea.

No, he told me to get off the tea.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, because the last stone that he was like, do you drink a lot of tea?

And I said, yeah.

And he's like, well, yeah.

We were just talking about drinking all the tea.

The caffeine, they say the caffeine helped a bit.

Were you not in the room?

No, no, I was here.

Where was this information?

I don't know.

You're watching.

You're on morphine now?

No, I wish.

What are you on right now?

No, nothing.

So tea cost.

Ibuprofen, those big 600 horse pill ibuprofen that don't really do much.

It's great for your liver.

Yeah, really.

He told, yeah, he was like, well, I guess it's a certain type of stone that develops when you drink too much tea, but if it's not.

Are you out of commission for anything below the belt with this?

Only if it hurts.

How do you break the news to a healthy, young, 24-year-old girlfriend that her man might be out of commission for months with this stone?

Why am I telling her the chastity belt?

She was the idea.

How do you break the news to her?

Like,

you've sitting in the sunlight for a while.

No, I mean, she was there, but I'm not out of commission for months.

She was like, it might take a couple of days for it to pass, and then that'll be it.

What if it does?

It could stretch into weeks, though.

I guess possibly it could.

So

she's aware that a man

is going to have issues from time to time with medical.

Right.

She's like, I can't even believe you're still alive, to be honest.

So a stone does not really shock me.

So do you have the doctor explain to her, or do you just tell her?

No, she was there.

She was in the yard.

So the doctor just explained, all I cared about was leaving.

All I care about is not staying overnight and not having to get zapped or the sound waves or whatever.

That's the cut open.

What's that?

You should get the sound waves and they zap it and then you make it smaller and then you get rid of it quicker.

Yeah, well, she said it was like six millimeters was the max before they do an operation and this was five millimeters.

So it was like still pretty decent size.

She's like, it looks like you can pass a bowling ball with the size of that thing.

I was like, damn right, honey.

Is that how they measure?

That was my morphine dream.

The ability to pass a stone is on the size of your.

Yeah, she busted out a measuring stick.

She's like, slap it down here on the table, son.

No, wait, what was I going to say now?

I hardly slept at all last night either because it fucking hurts.

Oh, man.

You're bumming me out.

I forgot what I was going to say.

Sorry, man.

When does it go away?

She said probably a couple days.

She said, like, less than, it should be less than a week.

Are you peeing into a strainer?

They gave me a strainer, yeah.

We should keep a collection of your sons here at this house.

People are going to get them.

No, you know what, though?

You don't need that.

You don't put them in like a little jar.

Although I did say, like, you know, that we could eBay them for money?

This is, I guess this is a good question for females.

It's like, what if, you know, the stone hasn't passed, right?

And you're getting serviced by your lady.

Or your dude, whatever.

Hey, man.

And when the time comes, you think it's going to come up with a lot of time.

There's a little stone that comes along with it, you know?

You better eat that if you love me.

You better eat that kidney stone.

Better not see who's spitting out that kidney stick.

Yeah, but I said, Doctor, I was like, she should eat that.

Not as inedible.

I did see when I was there, too.

I was sitting, I'm sitting down, and the pain is so bad.

I'm

kind of like doubled over.

I just have my hands on my elbows on my knees.

And I'm looking straight ahead, and I see a sign for the bathroom.

And I say to the lady who's doing the vitals and all that shit, I was like, I see that sign says gender-neutral restroom.

I was like, what's wrong with just restroom?

It's the same exact thing, the same message with less, fewer letters.

Well, because people will ask, well, couldn't I use that?

I'd be like, wait, can you fucking read asshole?

It says restroom.

The second they invented the word, it's always meant the same thing.

So unless it's preceded by

that bad.

If you were upset by that,

Kendra Stone is not as painful.

My hands are bad.

It should negate any and all thoughts on that They're bullshit.

No, I was sitting there and I just spied it and I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit.

A picture of a wheelchair guy on there and some braille.

Braille, I get wheelchair.

It's like, but why not?

Why care about that?

Why do you need a special invitation if you have a wheelchair?

Just roll on in there and take a piss.

It's because the bars on the wall and stuff, so they can get themselves off that.

So it lets them know, like, hey, it's okay for you too.

All right, well, wheelchair, braille, and restroom.

The gender neutral thing.

God damn it.

The whole gender neutral thing.

I'm like, holy shit,

what an insane,

insanely unnecessary term.

You could just say restroom.

Yeah, you could.

I got called into,

I can't,

can't say the project yet, but

I filmed something recently, and I had to go all the way into the fucking city because one of the lines that I improvised is Screaming Like a Little Girl.

And they had me come in, and I had to re-record that line.

They didn't want me to say that.

Do little girls not scream?

Or do we not live in a world where little girls don't scream anymore?

They do.

What if you said scream like a little kid?

That's what it was ultimately changed to.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

I don't know what project this was.

I had to drive all the way into Manhattan.

You couldn't just read the line on your phone.

You could have somebody went to like a booth or something.

Oh, booth, and every corner.

And I just recorded the whole thing.

Wow.

I was like, really?

They didn't tell me why until I got there.

And I said the dex.

I was like, you know, I wasn't going to fucking go up there if that was.

And he's like, they didn't tell me the line.

They They didn't tell me the line.

I was like.

Good God.

But you know what?

In my head afterwards, I was like, you know what?

All the money they put into that thing, if I was the person putting the money into that, I'd be like, get him the fuck in here and change that fucking line.

I don't want to give anybody a reason not to come see this fucking thing.

Yeah, that's true.

But I guess at the time,

at the time, nobody thinks anything.

But then after, once they think about it,

and then they overthink it, because they're like, one person will have an issue, and it'll turn into a whole thing.

And it's worth it.

Just have them come in and say, scream like a little kid, which, you know, is such a common saying, and everybody, you know, uses that phrase.

Yep.

I don't know.

But

you're a gun for hire on certain things.

You know what I mean?

You got to go.

Do your job.

You guys got to go and do it.

You got to bring your personal politics into it.

Scream like a little kid.

Well, you can if they

correct the correct politics.

Yeah, I got you.

You know what I didn't?

I was just like, I rolled my eyes, but it didn't bother me.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

They're probably right.

I don't want a little girl looking at that being like, but I'm a little girl.

I don't care.

And I'm like, yeah, do you scream?

Do you scream sometimes?

Because if you do,

then what's wrong with it?

But you know, I don't want to explain that to a little girl.

I'd rather just go in and say little kid

than have to explain to every little girl I see on the street coming up to me with like pain in their eyes and none of them.

They're like, Q, we loved you on IJ.

And then we heard you say such use such hate speech.

Yeah.

I don't want to do that.

So that's happening.

How do you still have a career, you fucking piece of shit?

Because of Dexter not telling me the line that they want me to re-record.

Let me tell you, little kid.

Get a Dexter, you'll go far.

Let me ask you your opinion on something.

Do you think it's weird to see an adult male naked?

My friend Walt,

for some reason, write that down.

It's a whole thing.

I don't know.

What do you got this week, Wal?

I got nothing.

I don't look at the internet anymore.

I fell into a Wikipedia hole of fucking people who have disappeared literally since

before Christ was born.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a whole long list.

Disappeared since

literally the

missing and mysterious mindset.

Oh, okay.

No, like because they

said something hateful.

No, they weren't like screaming like a little girl.

The next thing you know,

I want to apologize if they're not.

They're in some

I once said that

she's screaming like a little girl.

We have an announcement to make.

We have to let people know that we're no longer on the Smodcast network.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

We told Kevin, fuck you, bitch.

Didn't we?

We're going our own way.

And he's like, don't, please.

We're like,

ass.

Wait, no.

Why aren't we?

I'm not exactly clear.

I'm just worried the standards will slip, though, you know, without that.

And what people will come to expect from a TSD.

Can they expect the same level of professionalism?

Well, after this show, can you tell me what the standards were?

So

I know to adhere to them.

Was that bandwidth thing?

Is that what I'm hearing?

It was a lot of bandwidth because a lot of shows get downloaded.

And

I mean, really, it was just being housed there.

So

it was kind of like, why not house it on our site?

One-stop shop for everything.

It just made more sense.

Do you guys feel a little bit like an era has, like, it's the end of an era?

A little bit it's the first time i on a personal level i haven't been involved in view askew on like any level like for a long time it's you know it was the store the merchandising or then the la store or this or that and then right and then this but yeah it's the first time really that

i felt we had an opportunity we could have renamed it t SD we still could you know and then like not have

TSD

and not have that issue of people not being able to find you know the episodes because then we would have all this time to build one through whatever.

Could we finally do the reboot that we've been talking about for years and years?

I don't know if it makes sense.

I think it makes sense.

It does not make sense.

People who subscribe on iTunes, right?

Or people who get...

I don't know why it doesn't make sense again.

To rebrand?

Yeah.

Because people will have to re-download it.

Because you worked for 10 years to...

bring awareness to the tell them Steve Dave name and then you're gonna go and change it to something else and then just start all over again.

Just change it to TESD.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm just thinking that because it makes it, I thought it makes it, gives us like 300 episodes to have a backlog done, you know?

Right.

Well, I know Will Wilkins built a whole one-through, whatever we're up to now.

It's on the site, or I'm pretty sure it's on the site.

There's playlists that you click and then you go through to SoundCloud.

Will Wilkins?

Again, I thought you didn't like that guy.

Will Wilkins?

No, I like Will Wilkins.

Who's the guy you don't like?

Oh, wow.

That was that.

Ken Plume.

Ken Plume was the guy that...

He's not involved anymore, right?

I haven't heard that name in so long.

No, he hasn't been.

He was a good friend of what's his name, though?

Fucking

that artist jerk off that snubbed you at the baseball game.

Fred Hemback?

Fred Hemback, yeah.

He knew him somehow.

Yeah, he knew him somehow.

Fucking Hembacker.

Stupid

works.

Insult my friend.

Yeah, no, I like Will Wilkins, and he

organized it into a playlist on SoundCloud.

So anybody who wants episodes just finally answers that question.

Oh, really?

Why is this one missing?

Why is that one missing?

Just if you go to our site, tell them steady.

Oh, it's on our site already.

Oh, great.

So, already there's

benefits right out of the gate.

That being, they're all in one spot.

People can find the whole library now.

So, for so long, episodes have been hidden, not been able to be found by the listeners who are always asking where they are.

Well, now those days are over.

Those days are over.

They're right there somewhere on tellhamstevedave.com.

Somewhere.

I don't know where they are, but supposedly they're there.

What's wrong with people?

You know, I think the other thing I see when I'm on Wikipedia.

Oh, wait, let's finish this.

Okay.

I've got some pictures I want to show you guys that I took of you guys in New Orleans.

So yeah, no, there's no, like some people thought it was bad blood or something went wrong or blah, blah, blah, whatever.

But no, everything's exactly the same, except the episodes are just on our site now instead.

Yeah, I mean, I haven't even, Kevin didn't even mention it to me when I talked to him, so I think it's just

a complete non-issue, right?

Okay, we have to take a quick ad break.

And first off, I'd like to apologize for all the sniffling in this episode.

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As I was sitting there also with the kidney stone, I was thinking about like Al from Deadwood and also on Wikipedia, like a lot of the disappeared kids, I mean, a lot of the disappeared people are kids, and it's like their parents

or their foster parents were so brutal.

Like, you read this shit, and you're just like, what the fuck?

Like,

what goes through it?

Like, I never hit Sage sage once I seriously doubt you ever hit your girls

One time my sister said she was gonna hit Sage and I threatened her life

So I have a pretty strong policy on not hitting kids, but the fucking shit that these people do to their kids with like It was some book I can't remember what it was called It was like some religious guy wrote a book and these people are following it and it talks about hitting them with like you know like in aquariums they have like those clear tubes, you know, that like the water exchange.

It's just like basically hose, but it's just clear and small.

Yeah, yeah.

Like whipping kids' backs with them and leaving scars.

All kinds of stuff.

Yeah, it's like fucking, and then they go to jail, but like not for life.

Like, I don't know.

It's so fucking bizarre.

Like, what is the purpose of our society if it's not to protect children?

Like, protect little kids and protect people who can't protect themselves, like the wheelchair guy in the bathroom.

I know it's off topic of missing children.

Right.

Or children who have been brutalized to death.

But speaking of jail, though, how do you guys think it should go down for that

Uncle Becky or Aunt Becky from Full House?

Do you think that she should go to jail for this college thing?

You think she should go to jail?

Of course.

I mean, there's people who do shit that's pretty fucked up and don't do jail time.

But she doesn't seem remorseful.

Like, who?

Yeah.

I mean, there's people who do fucking violent shit, beat the shit out of somebody, don't do jail.

Somebody got probation.

But you go to jail.

I mean, I'm saying you find her on the wazoo.

Make her go on probation.

But you got to prove that.

You can't find her.

She has money, though.

Why not?

In a maximum security jail.

She's not coming to a maximum security jail.

She's going to a country.

She's not a violent offender.

You wouldn't send her to a place where you got to spend more money to take care of violent offenders.

Oh, so she's not going to be

sell blocks on those fucking.

It's not going to turn into chain heat or not.

Oh, I mean, I hope it does, yeah, but no.

What's the point of sending if it doesn't?

No,

it won't be that.

So you would think that she should go to jail?

I think she should go to jail.

How long?

A year.

A year of your life for that?

I mean, look, think of the opportunity she stole from these other people.

But, like, if you have a child, though, and

you don't have a taught.

Don't you understand?

That's the real tragedy here.

You want the best for your kid, and if you have the money to provide the best for your kid, and you're given this opportunity, I don't see how the fucking she's the only one going to jail.

Why isn't the people that took the money going to jail?

I'm sure they will, yeah.

Why aren't the colleges, the deans, got to go to jail too then?

Everybody's got to go to jail.

But if the deans didn't know, because the way it happened was these people would have like private SAT

moderators or whatever come in, and really they're giving them the answers, or they're giving them more time, or they're giving them whatever that helps them.

I mean, they're fucking photoshopping their heads onto the look.

I get it.

I get it.

It's crazy.

I understand that

it's shitty to do it.

It's really, really awful and the privilege and everything.

But at the end of the day, though.

Jail time, though.

You would think of it.

A person who's not going to really has no threat to any into us us in society is going to have to go to jail.

But then you're talking about somebody who, like, say they get caught smoking pot.

Like, they're not really presenting a threat to the potential.

They go to jail.

I thought there were people who go to jail selling pot.

Somebody used to, a lot, go to jail for it.

Yeah, they used to.

There's lots of non-violent things that don't affect other people in this world.

So if she got sentenced to

house arrest, a year, would you be okay with that, or would you want jail?

I'd probably be okay with it.

I don't care much either way.

But yeah, just giving an opinion because I'm being asked.

I think I'd be okay with housing because she is her career is over.

She's lost her career.

I believe she'll rebound at some point.

Hallmark dropped her, and that was.

Hallmark dropped the editor out of things.

People forget.

And she gets to tell her side of the story, maybe what happens.

I think people.

I mean,

there's a fucking heinous shit that goes on in the world today.

And this is the thing that people are going to be like, I want her fucking dead.

Well, the narrative now is, of course,

rich people are evil.

And so, this rich white lady taking opportunities away from other people.

And they're like,

they're like, oh, her kids didn't know.

It's like, really?

Didn't it tip you off when you saw yourself on the rowing team?

And you're like, what's that?

What's crew?

And if my daughter was

up for a spot to go to college, I found out that she didn't because of Aunt Becky, I would be, I understand it, I get it.

But at the end of the day, if I had to sit there and go, like, somebody was like, hey, if you give me, and I had the money, if I had like 10 grand, you know, like, I can get your daughter into a placement where if she gets enrolled in here, it's going to set her up for life.

I'd be like, and what do I got to do?

Just give you 10 grand and I'll make it happen.

I would be like, I probably would probably do the same thing.

But you know, she's going to cheat.

It's not just like a donation.

Like, they could, you know, it's not like they give money to the school and they build a fucking

theater, a library, whatever the fuck, which benefits everyone, right?

This was just money handed over to someone else so that she could cheat.

But you get blinded by wanting to do good by your kids.

You get blinded from wanting to

steer them.

Think of 2020.

And you don't think about the ramifications.

You don't think about the domino effect of what happens to the kids who didn't get in.

Who gives a fuck?

That's really what you mean.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Right.

But like, I think there's people, though, that really need to fucking just as much as her has to go down to then.

Yeah.

But what's the other lady did it, right?

The Felicity Huffman?

I don't think she went to jail.

I think that...

Well, none of them are in jail.

The crimes was a little different, maybe.

I don't know.

Well, they've appeared in court, but the trial hasn't even...

I thought Felicity Huffman...

She just appeared in court.

There hasn't been any proceedings.

I don't think a trial has started yet.

But also, Lori Laughlin, she was outside.

She's signing autographs.

People asked her for an autograph.

You have to fucking, for a second, stop being so fucking narcissistic and be like, oh, my adoring public.

Be like, I'm in a lot of trouble.

I can't afford to fucking start taking pictures and have other people see

that I'm not taking it seriously.

Why?

So signing your autograph is not taking it seriously.

You're out in front of the fucking courthouse.

See the fucking team of lawyers she got?

That's fucking taking it seriously.

You're out in front of the, you're out in front of.

Then they should have fucking told her, Aunt Becky,

do not stop and fucking glad hand, press the flash.

Anything she does is going to be taken apart by the jackals out there.

No matter what she does.

The jackals who are like, wow, she's a fucking piece of shit.

Who did what she did?

Those aren't jackals.

Those are just people tell it like it is.

No matter what, if she doesn't sign autographs, piece of shit.

Like, she's ignoring her fans that came out to support her.

If she signs autographs, piece of shit.

She's signing autographs for the people that came out there.

If you have so much free time that you go down to the court to see Aunt Becky and cheer her on, you should be sterilized.

I'm not even kidding.

You should be put into a program where they sterilize you and fucking send you back into the wild.

I mean,

I could find, like, if I'm getting enough free time, I could find some pretty fucked up cases in the American justice system where shitty, fucking, horrible acts have been committed and people didn't get jail time.

Right.

Are you talking about O.J.

Simpson?

No, I wasn't talking about OJ Simpson.

You're talking about Jesse Smollett?

He is a real threat for your examples here.

But O.J.

was found innocent, though.

O.J.

was found innocent.

There's nothing you can do about that.

Well, not in the civil, but you're right.

So there's nothing, there's no need to go back and always bring him up.

I'm talking about people who really were found guilty of doing horrible shit and didn't serve jail time.

Right.

I can't abide by if you commit a violent act and you don't go to jail, that she's going to jail.

But why

not imagine that?

It's not all equated to each other.

Why is that?

I guess it's being like as a, I mean, you, you just like live and breathe and want your kid to have the best.

So it's hard to, you get, you just lose sight.

You lose sight of what's right or wrong sometimes.

Yeah, no, you, you know, what's right and wrong, and you know what you're doing is wrong.

She knew what she was doing is wrong.

She's not like, oh my God, I just want my, so the best for my kids.

So I kind of forgot that what I was doing was illegal and that I was taking opportunities away from others.

Do you think that she knew the law inside and out and she knew it was illegal?

100%.

There is no doubt in my mind.

But if somebody was like, I can help your kid cheat.

I wouldn't know that.

I wouldn't know it was against the law.

I can give your daughter answers to an SAC.

I would not know that was a breaking law.

So when I cheated in high school, I was breaking the law.

No, was anybody paying?

No,

Lori Luffin was paying someone to do this, to change the lawsuit.

So if i paid some money to do my homework in high school i could go to i could be a rich you're not talking about another student you're talking about the people you're talking about people who have influence to get you into the school you should be looking out for

you're talking about her paying someone i would not think but that's the only way the girl could get into school test is breaking the law though what breaking the breaking the rules of the college yes but i don't know there i didn't know there's laws in the book that say you can't have somebody else take a test for you well you can't pay them

you can especially oh no not the fucking fidget spinner he's all worked up.

I'm glad I didn't know that.

I'm sorry.

I was so upset about

Becky.

Why do I keep calling her Uncle Becky?

But she's going to come out as Uncle Becky as she's going to be able to do that.

Oh, that would be awesome.

Yeah, really.

I don't want to have that happen.

She seems like such a nice lady on Full House, though.

She does.

I just can't.

You're not the only one that was surprised.

I feel bad.

Yeah, she might not necessarily not be nice.

Look,

you meet them all the time.

But I understand why she did what she did.

And like you said, she didn't think she was going to to get caught.

And that's why I would do that.

That's the part I don't respect.

Yeah, she got caught.

Did you know it was against the law to have someone take a test for you?

I would honestly assume that if it was someone that's something on the legal books?

Sure.

Look, if you told me that you paid another student to go take the SAT for you, to me, that's not a law-breaking thing.

But if you're talking to the proctor of the test

is

the person in charge of giving the test and making sure that they knew it too?

They were the ones that she paid.

She didn't pay it.

i'm sure she had a middleman pay it right but she paid it what difference does that make

the guy there's also emails where they wrote back and forth the guy who's supposed to be making sure the test okay is he going to jail i feel he will yeah you think he's going to go to real jail time unless he unless they struck a job you know he's not going to jail no he's not going to go to jail she's going to go to jail because she's famous you know that she's going to pay a harsher price but the fucking the nameless faceless people involved in this better go to jail too then well nobody cares about them in terms of They've done it over and over again.

She was just a one-time offender.

Unless she had sisters.

But even if she was a one-time offender, well, she got two kids in the school, if that means anything.

But even if she's a one-time offender, it doesn't matter.

She offended.

But there's people, though, like these guys who are taking the money over and over and over again, better go to jail.

I would assume they are.

I would assume they are.

I don't know.

They're definitely getting whatever the equivalent of disbarred is.

And I know she's getting sued, a civil suit by the people who didn't get accepted into that school.

I agree with that.

She's got to take it in the pocketbook where it really hurts.

They're suing her.

Yeah.

But you should be suing the school, too.

Well, this is a good.

You know what?

You're like, she seems so nice.

You see her unfold how she's so nice.

This is a good fucking lesson for everyone.

And I've said it many times, the celebrity idolatry.

Oh, she's fucking Aunt Becky.

Yeah, she's Aunt Becky when she's on your TV screen, you stupid assholes.

Otherwise, she's a bitch who's fucking defrauding other kids so that they don't get into school.

That's who she really is.

Not the fucking character that she plays.

So you're saying.

Stop turning.

Like, these idols can't be people.

So because she did that act,

she's evil through and out.

She's on a level of what then?

Let me give me some Edie.

I mean,

okay.

Raw,

a fucking cannibal.

I do like the reference, though.

What level is she?

Is she evil then?

She's evil on like not even.

Ted Bundy?

No, no.

Not even like a Bernie Madoff.

I know.

You're going over the top.

You're acting like she hasn't done that.

We haven't gone over the top.

Like she jaywalked.

No, she irreversibly changed some people's lives.

You know?

Yeah, but that happens.

Kids that work their asses off.

Of course it happens all the time.

But she shouldn't have to go to jail.

She should pay through the money.

She should have to go to jail.

But she has money.

How is that a punishment?

How is that helping society, though?

It's not helping.

The punishment is not taking her money away.

But how much money do you think you're going to take before it hurts her?

She's a fucking multi-multi-multi-millionaire.

10.

10 mil?

It's It's possible 10 mil won't hurt her.

Her husband's real rich.

Did the husband have to go to jail too?

No, I don't think so.

Both parents have to go.

Well, William H.

Macy isn't even involved in any of this.

Who's that?

Oh, both of them.

The husband's also involved.

They're facing 40 years behind bars.

He's a super famous actor, yeah.

Is that her husband?

One of their husbands, right?

Ampecky's husband.

Okay, well, we'll see if this changes your mind.

Lori Loffman and her husband are also being charged with money laundering.

Whoa!

I guess that's somehow that charge got rolled into this.

How is that?

Involved with this college thing, too?

Yeah.

They're just piling it on, bro.

They just pile it on.

They pile it on celebrities.

They're piling it on because she's rich.

No, they fucking are not.

Are they crazy?

They certainly are.

No, they're piling it on because she's rich.

This wouldn't even be a story if there wasn't a celebrity.

But no, there are other people involved who are not celebrities.

They were just rich.

Right, and no one cares about them.

No one's worried about fucking them.

They're also going to jail.

No, the average person is not interested in the super rich person that did it, but is still getting in trouble.

They are interested in people that they're like, I recognize them.

Yeah, I want to see her pay because my life's not as good as it.

No, I want to see her pay because she did something wrong, because she did something that fucked over other people.

I agree with you, but not on this level, though.

Why do you want to protect celebrities all the time?

I don't understand it.

You're always like going to bat for these fucking idiots out there.

Because I like the thing, I like all of a sudden, like, Q gets his nephew into a college.

I don't want to see that happen to Q.

I'm not doing that.

Of course, I wouldn't either.

I fucking didn't report my telling C, Dave Ernest one year in the IRS, brought the hammer down on me so fucking hard.

I'm not doing anything.

So your brother comes to you and it's like, hey, I can get little Q into.

He named his son after you.

My God, my God.

What are you going to do then?

But his last name would be Quinn anyway.

You know, he's not probably getting into a good school anyway.

Q paid for the notes to get him into a community college.

My God,

a trade school.

Private colleges stand like

he's spending a dollar fucking fidget spinner.

Hey, man, it got me this far.

I have a collection of people.

I'm talking to the dean of admissions.

He's just like, how much.

My uncle's going to give me a yo.

Yeah.

Come on, Dino.

Prusty old dean.

It's just a pulaminary.

Both my brothers and their kids, even though they don't live in New York, speak like this.

My uncle will practically joke you right out of your business.

All right?

But they come to you.

You're like, I just need a loan,

20 grand.

Oh, a loan my brother money?

And this is what it's for.

And they tell you.

All right, listen to me.

I suggest you don't do that.

But, you know, this is my, I can't tell my son, no.

I can't tell him, no.

His heart's set on this.

And if once he graduates, he will be set up, and he'll never have to look back.

I would be like, look, I'm going to

loan you $20,000.

I know it's.

Whatever you do with it is up to you.

But you already know what it was for.

So you made the mistake.

Now your brother's inability to tell a shitty kid no is your problem.

Now it's on you.

I would not break the law.

But wait a second, though.

Let's say this story never happened.

Let's say this didn't come to light and all of a sudden he's just like, hey, Mike, I can get little Q.

Hey, Mike.

I can get him into like,

what was the school she was talking about?

USC.

I would say no.

But

you would know right off the bat that there was something shady about this?

No, no, no, no.

If he's explaining me, if my brother came to me and be like, I can get him in, I need

my nephew's tuition, I'd be like, of course.

Yeah, I know this guy.

Later on, he's going to be like, he keeps coming to me after I said yes.

I'm like, well, no, I'm not breaking the law.

You would know it was breaking the law.

Of course.

If he's like, I'm going to bribe someone to get my kid into school,

the word bribe sort of kicks you off.

I just assume it's all a one big bribe.

You know it is.

It's a bad thing.

If he came to me and said...

Wait, you're saying anyone who gets in the college.

Wait, I agree.

Most people should not be in college.

They're too dumb.

There should be like two colleges in this fucking entire country for the people who are smart enough to go.

Everyone else, go get a fucking job because you're not smart enough to be there.

I don't know.

I don't.

That's true for me.

I can't argue.

Can you be 100% honest?

And you.

I am 100% honest.

Without the story,

try to eliminate this story from your database.

You would know that he was setting himself up for a real hard jail time by doing this.

It's not about that.

It's about

I

look, if I go down, the show goes down.

The show goes down,

three of my best friends lose their jobs.

The entire crew loses their jobs.

Right.

The whole network.

If friendly Jokers goes down, True TV goes away.

All for a kid who wasn't smart enough to get it on his own.

We're like, but he didn't deserve it.

But you will.

But my

sponsors can walk around with.

I want you to know that.

Right, but you would think you have enough foresight to know that this could come back to really, really

bite you in the ass.

Listen to me.

I'll drive a little over the speed speed limit that's as far as i go in law breaking i will not do it but i find i like law and order i know but i find it hard to believe i enjoy it i think the cops need more power i find it hard to believe it's unrealistic for me to sit here and think that you would know that the

the ramifications of such a thing could could come back and blow up like it did for her dude if they're saying

if they say we're going to take a little cue we're going to bribe someone to take the test with them and then we're going to photoshop his face on the fucking wrestling team i'd be like oh he's a wrestler that sounds fucked up I could have picked any sport.

Yeah, whatever sport, I'd be like, I'd be like, dude, like, I don't know.

I can't.

You would know it was a crime.

I would know that's a crime.

But if he came to me and said,

if he came to me and said, a 20,000 donation to the fucking library, we'll put a new fucking thing in, and they'll let him in.

To me, I would be like, I'll give you the money for that.

But at Photoshop, no.

No.

Library, yes.

Secret payoffs?

No.

Secret payoffs that can get traced back to him.

I'm just going to be honest, and I don't care how it makes me sound, but I would not think that I would be setting myself up for some real, real trouble by doing that, though.

I would just think it was just like a slap on the wrist.

Okay, you get kicked out of school.

That's all.

That's all I would think would be the ramifications.

I would never dream that the FBI would come down knocking on my door for this.

Yeah, well, well, the FBI, we got fucking shit.

The world's going to shit, and the FBI is worried about this.

Girls, trash the cable boxes.

The FBI is here.

I haven't stolen cable in decades.

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Back to the show.

Yeah,

I think

the best thing for everybody is to just walk the straight and narrow.

Of course, but I don't think it's...

I don't know.

I guess you're more savvy than I am.

Well, this is also.

Well,

I don't know if that's true.

I mean, if the fact that you know that much about collegiate law.

No, I know bribes are bad.

Yeah, regardless of.

But don't we bribe people on a daily basis everywhere?

Can I have an example of that?

You give the matrix D a tip, a bigger tip to get a seat at the

oh, like when I park my car and I'm like,

he has a 10 spot, leaving clothes to the car.

I think that's a socially acceptable tip or bribe.

Yeah, it's a tip.

It's a bribe.

And you're definitely getting something.

Make sure you park it where no one else can scratch it.

Sure.

I've heard you say that.

No, I said keep it close so I can just get the fuck out of here, not the scratch.

I drive a Wrangler.

I don't give a shit if it's scratching.

I want these pieces of shit cars next to my fucking celebrity car.

Celebrity Wrangler.

I don't know.

It's a girl's car.

But people of your ilk

get what they can get more by tipping, quote-unquote,

the same way I thought that she probably goes.

But I think that goes for that.

I mean, that's not a tip.

I guarantee you, that's her defense's

defense.

That's their angle.

So you get, okay.

Well, you are not an expert in collegiate law.

I don't think they're going to be like, oh, she thought it was a $500,000 tip.

No, she didn't think that she ever was really breaking real law, only breaking the rules of the school.

Never, I guarantee you, that's going to be their defense.

Ignorance.

I know it's not

a, but, but maybe if people, somebody in a jury will be like, well, I wouldn't know that that was against like

legal law.

Yeah, but they're not the ones that are on trial.

She is.

It doesn't matter if they know her.

All I got to do is convince one.

Right.

And I've seen juries in action.

They're full of people.

And they're all in Laura.

They're stupider than college cities.

And they're in L.A.

And what do people like

in LA?

You just get one full house fan on that fucking jury.

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm glad you live here and not in L.A.

because they would have had them.

Christ Almighty.

I don't know, man.

Again, I don't mind seeing her take, like, having to live in a ranch, like a one-story ranch with three bedrooms.

Oh, you mean like how I grew up?

Yeah, I don't mind seeing her.

And I grew up in the next thing to the next worst thing to jail is a ranch house in the suburbs.

I don't mind seeing.

losing everything and going down to two cars.

Right.

Oh, poor Laurie Laughlin.

But

I don't mind her getting knocked down to,

I don't know, 50 grand a year

income.

But I don't think there are laws in place that are going to take care of all this.

Like, okay, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to limit her earnings.

I think it's going to be forever now.

That's okay, but jail time, I think, is a little extreme, though.

Why?

I don't think it's an

awesome thing.

Her paying that off the books, too.

The government's government's not getting the tax money on that, so now it's

conspiracy to commit tax fraud.

Yeah.

The shit goes all the way to the top, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, but

you know that just there's so many people on that fucking campus who have done worse shit.

Such as going to jail, huh?

Like, what do you mean?

Just

like

the debauchery that goes on on the college.

Oh, so now you're mad because people are having sex and smoking weed.

They're doing worse things than fucking bribing and taking opportunities away

420 brochures yeah no college student smoking weed is not as bad as

a drug in california it is legal yeah you can buy it in dispensaries you know what i'm saying there's dealers and it's harder stuff for 20 right but the you so you think that but i mean if they catch a college if they catch a college somebody dealing hard drugs in college yeah i think they probably would

like anywhere else i don't know not with the level of ferocity that the that the state is going after Aunt Becky for.

They want a piece of her flesh.

They should have it.

She deserves it.

I agree that she should be hit in the pocketbook extremely, extremely hard.

What the fuck happened?

Devastator.

Old Testament Walt Flanagan.

Devastator.

It's all about the Benjamins with this guy.

Take my fidget spinner.

That's who you are.

But I don't know, man.

I just don't see it

her.

Solving anything for you.

What is in your past that you're trying to cover?

But they're not trying to solve something for her.

She's the criminal.

But she's not.

What will this, how can we make this as easy as possible on Aunt Becky so that her life is disturbed, but not too disturbed?

She shouldn't have to go to jail.

I mean, that's.

If that's the law, she should.

If that's the law, then she should.

She's got to get with her lawyers and do some sort of like, what's it calling you, a plea?

Plea deal.

Yeah.

It's going to be tough for me to see her avoiding jail time.

She's too high profile.

She's the face of this thing.

So Martha Stewart, she

went to jail and went to jail.

For almost nothing, like 65 grand or something.

Now it's her career bounced back.

What's that?

What was her crime?

Tax investigation?

Her

insider trade with stocks.

Insider trading with stocks.

And she only made like $65,000.

Now, should she have gone to jail?

Yeah.

Definitely.

Really?

Because that's even worse because she dumped the stocks onto people who didn't have...

Who didn't have that information.

So she just has to eat it when she finds out this information.

You get inside information.

you're supposed to be like, oh, okay, I just have to eat that loss then.

Yes, if you have or go to jail.

It would be, or if you get caught, you might not necessarily get caught, but if you put it into like relative terms, like let's say you own some stock and they're like, Walt, you're going to make 65 bucks with this insider information, but,

or you're going to lose 65 bucks.

or you can use this insider information and cash out

at the risk of going to jail.

It's like $65,000 meant nothing to her at the time.

She had millions and millions of dollars, but she's greedy and she thought she would use that to her advantage.

Would I do it?

I'd really want to.

Like I'd really want to.

Isn't it hard not to?

I have almost no morals.

Like when this Aunt Becky shit, I mean, if I had that opportunity, I might have done it too.

Like, somebody goes like I said.

Sage gets into

Princeton.

Yeah.

Sage is at Harvard.

She's on the rowing team.

Like, little shots of Sage.

She'd actually be pretty good on the rowing team.

She's strong as fuck.

solid kid the class is not so much yeah would you would you know that if someone came to you's like i can get her into like the best school would you know that there's something fishy going on well i'm like i'm sorry who are you well

somebody

uh i mean if they're like if you pay me i'd be like how much are you going to raise her s t scores by she's got a 1400 that's more than i got

yeah i mean would i pay extra to get Sage into something because I had the money?

Sure.

But I would know it was a bribe.

All right, let's say the riding class was full.

Right, okay.

And

they just took the last student.

I can't get her in.

And you're like, well, would an extra thousand get her in?

And then they call and told the kid that, you know what, I'm sorry, we overbooked.

You can't come in because

they took Sage.

Would you feel bad?

Yeah.

I don't think you would do it.

No, I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do it.

I would sign her up earlier the next time.

No,

I wouldn't take that away from especially another little special needs kid.

I would tell Sage, I'd be like, we'll do something else.

You know, you'll do something else for the season.

Yeah, because I do think

I do feel you're a good person.

I don't think you, the lack of a lot of people.

I wouldn't think you were doing something bad.

It's just that's the way that's the way the world works.

You grease palms, shit happens.

But you can grease palms so that things go your way or work to your advantage.

What about the guy who wants to get out of the fucking garage quicker, and you're going to get out quicker because you greased that palm?

Yeah, but that's...

He's got places to go to.

So he could grease the palm.

He can't afford the grease that you're putting on.

It's not like Q gives him $200.

Yeah.

Sure, but I mean,

but actually, no, no, no.

I'm helping him because my car's right there.

They don't have to take the time to go get my car to bring it down and hold him up under the fire.

This is how we justify.

That's how Becky justified probably.

I'm speeding the process.

I'm making life easier for everybody.

Yeah, I would say a dude waiting an extra five minutes to get his car versus a kid waiting like damn I didn't get into U.S.C.

Have you ever paid to jump the line in a restaurant?

When I was 22 years old,

a wrestler named Chris Jericho was signing autographs in Vegas, and the line was like two hours long.

I gave the guy 40 bucks and he put me to the front of the line.

Did you feel bad about the people you cut?

Nah, I was like, fuck them, jackasses.

Yeah, fuck them, right?

And I was dirt poor back then.

Well, I imagine

that's the same level, right?

Yes.

As Aunt Becky?

Not as Aunt Becky.

But it's the same thing.

It's the same principle, yeah.

But it's one person taking a payoff that really doesn't affect anyone except for time, which is annoying if you're behind everyone else because two people benefit.

Well, Chris Jericho cuts up and leaves, like, oh, I got to go.

Maybe.

I mean, now you're really speculating.

But I mean,

if the line's cut and Jericho's going to stay there, then really people have...

What it's cost people is 30 seconds, maybe, versus with the the Aunt Becky shit, it costs them a college career for people that worked to do it.

Maybe they got into a different college, though.

I can't.

But that's not the college they wanted to go to.

I get it.

But I don't think it cost them their collegiate career, though.

But there are other colleges that were

don't know what might have happened.

That's the thing with life, man.

It's like any

fork you take is going to lead to a totally different.

She's not guilty, but I just don't know if jail is the solution, though.

Yeah, but it might not hurt.

Like, what if it's not a year?

What if it's like six months in a like minimum security prison?

They're like, look, Aunt Becky, it's a I know you're fucking Aunt Becky, but sorry, you can't give half a fucking million dollars

to some proctor so your two little fucking overprivileged kids can get into a college that they didn't deserve to get into.

Because, like, let's say it's Alicia, she wants to, she's an artist, she wants to go to college.

She applies to some art college, and then you find out later, like, if she's like, oh, you didn't get in,

but you can reapply next year because you're next on the list.

And then you find out that somebody paved their way in.

Yeah, but you wouldn't want her to go to jail.

I don't even think I would be like, This person needs to go to jail.

I mean, not when I see some of the injustices that go on in the world, that people don't go to jail, and you're just like, What the fuck?

How can you get a bunch of people?

Even if it's a zero-sum game, you can't just be like, Well, they get away with it, so everybody should get away with shit.

Yeah, well, here's a question: Okay, so you have

Aunt Becky, she did what she did.

Now, you have a woman who gets busted, smoking crack.

You feel she should probably go to jail.

Not the first offense, no.

No?

No.

She's crackhead, though.

She's out there in the street smoking.

Is this the first time she's got arrested for it?

I don't think she should go to jail.

No.

Second time?

No.

Third time.

Third time?

Third time.

I think

by the third strike, you should realize, you know what?

Do this in your house.

I don't have a house.

Do this where no one can see you.

Find a place where no no one could see you doing this if you have to do this.

Brian Johnson's hotel room is there.

There are people who pay to watch you do this.

You see, I don't think it's a violent crime.

We're just talking about people

selling weed and shit.

Sell them practically different.

You said smoking.

You didn't say selling.

Okay, so the ingestion of drugs you don't have a problem with.

It's selling them.

I think, yeah, you're preying on people's misery.

Sometimes, yeah.

A lot of times.

Sometimes.

I wouldn't say weed dealers are.

But anybody who's selling

oxy, any guy like opiates, heroin, all that shit, crack, yeah, meth.

Those are people who sell that.

You don't give a shit, yeah.

You die?

You're smoking.

So you didn't say selling crack.

Selling cracks is different, though.

Smoking meth.

Not the first time.

I don't think you should go to jail the first time.

People on meth do crazy stuff, man.

Oh, if they commit, if they do something, a violent act while they're under the influence of crack, then yeah, you got to go to jail.

Say they walk out into a parking lot of a 7-Eleven and they just drive away in your Prius.

Just drive away?

Just drive away in it, yeah.

I wouldn't expect them to go to jail for that.

No, you stole a car.

Grand Theft Auto.

Yeah, I would not expect.

I mean, I just see people get off so often in this world that I would not expect a first-time offender.

Can I ask who is upsetting you in this way?

Like, who did you see get off that you're like

while society's breaking down?

I just see it all the time.

You just see

on a daily basis, just watch the news of what people get sentenced for doing violent crimes and don't serve jail time, though.

I agree with you that I see stuff where even if they don't get anything, it's like two years' probation.

And I'm like,

How the fuck that's

they're charged with manslaughter.

How did they get probation?

I agree with you.

There are sometimes I see cases where I'm like, this is insane.

But it doesn't mean that because someone committed a crime that we consider lesser, that they shouldn't be held accountable.

I mean, like half a million, like I said, that's not taxed.

That's why the government really cares.

But I'm not saying don't hold her accountable.

I'm just saying hit her where, hit her right here, where the dollars, and the Benjamins, and the Franklins.

Yeah.

It is.

I mean, she's losing her.

She's not

her

daughter's.

Like, oh man, I miss Mel Gibson.

But is she a Martha Stewart?

I think she is.

Oh, but Martha Stewart was an empire.

She also wasn't nearly as beloved as well.

I think she could come back and find some roles in a couple years.

Probably.

Somebody will give her another shot.

But why?

She never had much of an impact.

No.

Maybe they'll just feel sorry for her because, you know, she fucked up everything.

Where's he going?

I guess the bathroom.

He might have to pass that stone.

Oh, shit.

Do you think that's what's going on?

What?

He is a strainer?

Here?

Asking young girls to look up to any number of celebrities where you're like, I mean, by

ETV putting them on the list.

Well, you know, anybody who puts them on the lawyer.

Well, I saw that Kim Kardashian

is going to school to become a lawyer.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Good for her.

So that is something to be lauded and look up to.

Graduating is something to be lauded.

Going to school is not a good thing.

Well, if she does, I'm sure she bought her fucking way in.

Attempting to go to school is not something to look up to,

especially going like, you know, I'm going to try this now at this age.

I mean, why?

Why would I care about Kim Kardashian?

Or anybody who is a good example, though.

But there's tons of people who go to college.

In fact, I think college students,

they don't like older students because they always wreck the grade curve.

Curve?

Yeah.

Because they have more time to study.

I think she'll be given a pass, though.

Of course, she will.

That's why you have to bring down the hammer on Aunt Becky.

Why?

So that she doesn't get to fucking walk in the park.

She's going to do the work, yeah.

She's going to definitely do the work.

I think in this day and age, I think any of her professors are going to be fucking damn sure that they don't get caught giving her a free pass because they'll be ostracized.

They'll be plus.

Their feet will be held to the fire gun.

No, because of the internet.

Because the internet will want to know.

they'll try to find out what her grades were and if she got an easy way, she, you know, easy

toll booth through, you know, easy pass through.

So I think anybody who's her professors are going to be know that and be like, hold her to the same standards as any other student.

Right.

Where'd she apply?

Spellman, Morehouse?

I don't even know what those are.

Why are you scoffing it, though?

Black colleges.

But why are you scoffing at her going to school, though?

Because it's probably just another fucking.

She got some prisoner out of

she was able to work on a guess.

Oh, with Trump or something?

She brought it to his attention.

She's done some

real good things, she does some great things.

And she does some things.

She builds completely fucking realistic expectations for people in life.

You don't think that

lifestyle breeds shallowness in kids that see that shit?

Anybody who sees that shit.

But she's trying to implement and inject some weight into our life, though.

There's a billion people on earth that people should be looking.

Look, people should be looking up to everyday people, not Kim Kardashian.

I know that's not realistic.

But it's

not realistic.

But I would never be like, oh my God, Kim Kardashian, you're going to go to college now?

I can't believe you're grown so much from the fucking girl who let some dude jizz all over her face and then leak the fucking tape.

You've come so far, Kim Kardashian.

Why people are so impressed.

Of course they can do it because she's done more.

She's done more

with her causes

than, I mean, mean, I'm not, I want to point to a finger, but whatever.

What causes do you even know that she's done?

That she's done?

She got that person out of prison, though, who deserved to get out.

Okay.

She did that.

She put the business.

Well, maybe you could do that for fucking Aunt Becky, and you could Kim Kardashian light.

But I'll at least recognize what she did, though.

You're not willing to recognize her.

I recognized it.

I mean, you recognize that.

But there are people that work.

Do you know what the Innocence Project is?

There are people that do.

I don't know what it is.

Okay, so they do it all day long.

Do you know any of their names?

You suck in in their dicks?

No, of course not.

Oh, yeah,

that's good work.

So, what does she have to do to get looked up to, though?

So, that sex tape automatically, no matter what she does from that moment on, that tape is released, she can never redeem herself in your eyes.

No, she can, but that kind of shit.

But she's going to college for herself?

Big deal.

Well, law school.

She's going to go to law school.

She's going to be a lawyer?

Yeah, she is.

How would you want to bet right now she does not graduate as a lawyer?

How would you want her to pass the bar?

She won't even, she will not complete law school.

I bet right now she will not complete law school.

I mean, I'm not willing to bet on it.

I don't know.

I don't know what will happen, but it's going to be a big fucking,

it's going to be a big F U to you when she does pass that bar.

Is that the reason she's going?

If she did, if she's you, you don't think she could fight some jerk-off podcaster?

I would say that's it.

Because you know, there's a bigger million,

there's a million guys like you on the internet throwing that at her, though, right now.

Right, okay, oh, whatever.

That she'll never be able to do it.

All the naysayers.

She wants to prove you people wrong.

Okay, wait a second.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue magazine that she's aiming to take the California bar exam in 2022 after a four-year apprenticeship program under a pair of lawyers.

California is one of four states that doesn't require a law degree to take the bar exam.

Okay, so it's all legal.

It allows aspiring lawyers to the opportunity to complete apprenticeships with practice attorneys before taking the test.

So she's going to have to fucking go to law school.

But that's the law.

That's the way it's set up.

Right.

Oh, no.

But isn't that better?

But she's not going to do that.

But isn't that better than doing the vapid things, the quote-unquote VAPID things that she promotes, though?

Now she's promoting bettering.

I feel like Kim Kardashian isn't even at the forefront of the Kardashians anymore.

It's the Jenner girl and the other two that you see more than her now.

At least I do.

The Jenner one is the self-made billionaire, you know.

That bothers you too, huh?

Well, it's not true.

It's just not true.

If it were true, it wouldn't bother me, but it's not true.

Everything bothers bothers you, though.

It doesn't bother me.

I don't think about it.

I do not think about it.

I'm thinking about it right now.

But she's not a self-made billionaire.

All right.

So

you can take issue with it, but it's

grenade.

I love that face.

Why not?

But if somebody comes to her and says, hey, you want to do a makeup line or I want to do this?

And she sets it all up and she picks out the direction of her company.

Is that not self-made then?

No, it's not.

She's not self-made because,

well, she was born into money.

She started with money.

Like saying that Donald Trump is self-made, it's like, has he made a lot more money?

Sure.

But he started with 20 million from his father, which at the time was probably 60 million.

So to say someone is self-made to me is like a BQ.

Yes,

that guy is self-made, you know?

People who start businesses, you know,

even if they're not super successful or famous, they're still self-made.

Now, saying you're a self-made billionaire is like no.

There was somebody else gave her that tag.

No, somebody else said that she was a self-made billionaire.

She agreed, and then later on said, you know what?

I thought about it, and I'm really not.

Okay, well, that's you shouldn't, you don't apply it.

Because the important word there isn't self-made.

Sucking, bitches.

But

she didn't hold to that stance, though.

She wasn't like, she gave it up to me.

Probably enough.

People like me on the internet were like, you're not self-made.

There's worse than you on the internet.

Believe it or not.

I cannot remember the last time I posted something negative about anything.

I'm talking about, I'm not talking about, but there's people who go after them with like.

Oh, sure.

Oh, my God.

The things that they say.

With gusto.

Oh, my God.

It's like...

It's horse.

It's worse than our Reddit board.

Yes.

Wow.

It's way worse.

It's hard to believe.

It's way, way worse.

And I look for anything to just attack them on.

Everywhere, every which way they turn.

Haters, bro.

Well, they're resented, yeah.

I mean, when you have that much money and you're flaunting it and it's like, oh, look at the $250,000 car she got for her birthday.

Look at the half million dollar house that they gave.

This angers people

angry.

As much as it gives some people that like, uh, that material, like to dream about, like, oh, maybe someday I could have it.

Um,

it makes other people who are like, there's no fucking way I'm ever going to have this kind of money.

It pisses them off.

It makes them resentful, yeah.

Because they don't like seeing it rubbed in their faces.

Well, why do you think there's some people who could exist,

like not even not even like it goes in one ear out the other?

And there's other people who can't exist without running and like and writing such horrible things.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

And it's not even necessarily a young person's thing.

I think there's a lot of older people that do it too.

Just, I mean, people who like shit's not turning out the way they want it to.

It just didn't turn out.

The reason it's not turning out the way they want it to is because they're the type of person who wastes their time on the fucking internet writing about the Kardashians.

It's never going to to happen for him.

It's a snake eating their own tail.

If you are the person going online

out there, like you almost.

A snake eating its own tail.

If you're going out there and spending your precious dwindling life fucking writing about the Kardashians,

you ain't going nowhere.

Unless your name is Perez Hilton, like you're not going anywhere.

And that just, and there's a guy who had to change his whole approach because he used to be a bully.

Big time.

He would make fun of celebrities constantly.

And then he had to stop it because he was like, well, I got bullied for being gay, but now now I'm doing it to celebrities.

I don't even know if he's still popular.

I don't know, he's the only person I can think of.

When I was in LA, I used to see he used to go to the coffee bean right by

the griddle, yeah.

And he would write his little column there.

I saw him every day in the morning.

Nobody ever went to go beat the shit out of him.

No, not that I saw, but it was like right after that that he started becoming popular

for us Hilton.

I don't know.

Yeah, I wish that stuff like that inspired people instead of

inspired people to want to do good and achieve on their own instead of inspiring people to just

try to like write horrible and nasty things but the horrible and nasty things to me it's like the chances of them seeing it like all it does is like it gives you the

opportunity to argue things that they've read read online about them have it made them cry and made them just like literally just sob yeah yeah well what are you gonna do what are you gonna do don't read it then don't read it then don't read it look i've been on record a long time saying i think i think they're fucking brilliant i wouldn't i wouldn't know where to like if like the reddit thing i wouldn't know where the threat is to read about myself but i don't seek it out it's not going to make you cry though it's not that bad it's not as bad as no it's going to make you double down on the behavior that they don't like

but i know you my friends

but even when they think they're doing good and they think they're doing something that's going to be seen as being in you know helpful to the causes that are out there, they still take it on the chin, though.

Oh, it's because of all their other behavior where it's like they're so narcissistic and they draw so much attention to themselves and they flaunt everything that it's like, right, yeah, I know, I understand that, but that's why people dislike them is because it's like enough of you.

I don't want to hear you.

I don't want to see you, which is easy.

Just don't.

Just don't go online.

Don't look at certain sites and shit, you know?

What are you going to do?

I'm not going to do nothing.

What the fuck?

You know what?

I'll be the first to admit I'm wrong if Kim Kardashian goes and does this for four years under two attorneys and then becomes an an attorney herself.

Maybe she's smart.

Who would hire her, though?

But she is smart.

That's what I've been telling you this whole time.

Well, no, shrewd and smart are two different things.

And plus, they have business managers.

Like, you look at the Olson twins.

The Olson twins are not geniuses.

The Olson twins had like a bunch of people around them, business managers that built their brand.

If you build that team and you listen to that team, you're fucking smart.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

You know what?

I'll give you that.

You may not be intelligent, but you're smart.

Could she do how long?

Let's say she does do it.

Okay.

She passes the bar.

She's legal.

She's a lawyer now.

She's an attorney.

She's able to practice law.

Will you apologize?

No.

A written apology.

How long before she

defends

a murder rap?

How long do you think it should be before she gets like a.

Well, she's Kim Kardashian, the mother Teresa of our time, so I assume she's going into environmental law.

No, I think she's going to be going into criminal law.

What?

Oh, like her father?

I don't really care about Kim Kardashian at all.

I mean, is she a piece of paper?

How many pieces of shit like that?

Is she a piece of shit like her fucking father, Robert Kardashian?

No, before she gets a curve.

She was hiding evidence?

Before she gets a murder rap, before she gets to take on a defendant who is trying to beat a murder rep,

how many cases does she have to quite a few, probably as a public defender?

Yeah.

Yeah, she has to, I would imagine she should do that.

If she's a public defender,

if you rolled the dice and you had to get a public defender and you got Kim K, would you be happy or would you be like, oh, I would be over the moon.

This is amazing.

What's my crime?

I murdered someone?

If my crime is not something that bad that I can talk about on here, I'll be like,

so guys.

But oh yeah, but maybe then she has to recuse herself or whatever because she heard me talking so much shit about her over the years.

No, a good lawyer doesn't

work through that.

She's like losing evidence right and left.

She's like, oh,

was the thing with someone else's fingerprints over there?

I don't know where it went.

But no.

She handles the evidence.

Is there a chain of custody?

But I don't think any case would

not be held up to being thrown out because of her fame, though.

Like, say she loses.

You could appeal that, well, I lost because of

counsel.

Prejudice against counsel.

There were a bunch of motherfuckers like me on that charge.

Saw it in their eyes.

It would be very tough for her to become a successful lawyer

unless she gets a string of

wins under her belt, though.

Well, okay.

You have somebody like, say, Arnold, who became governor.

Right.

You have someone like Al Franken, who became, what, a senator, I believe.

So famous people.

Yeah, famous people have done stuff, but

she's not viewed as an intelligent person.

She's viewed as a fucking dummy who lives the lifestyle of a courtroom.

Yeah, it'll take a while, though.

I think she gets one case, one really good case, and she gets that person off.

So she spelled case with a K?

What do you mean by get off?

She sets herself up as the celebrity lawyer.

Oh, I don't think that'll happen.

I think there are much more experienced.

You think that they're like, I want a famous attorney

Kim Kardashian famous versus somebody who's really competent.

Can we bring Johnny Cochran back for this?

Yeah, really.

I think if she gets a couple wins under her belt, she becomes the go-to lawyer by all the celebrities.

I would like to see the

Kim Kardashian defending Aunt Becky.

In my lifetime, I want to see that.

I think those two put together, the star power, it would blind the jury.

I'd like

to

see star power.

I don't even know if she was still alive until this fucking thing went on.

Yeah, like until they rebooted Full House, you'd be like, I don't know, what did happen to her?

I have to say,

I did like watching her daughters lose their endorsements, the influencers.

Anytime an influencer loses cred, I love it.

Love it.

See, I do it.

I do it, get you off.

Because it's so fucking stupid.

Like the kind of personality you have.

Right.

Most people don't even hear it.

They hear it, they watch, they go, huh, and they go about their lives.

There is no level of

morphine.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

When they offered me morphine for the CD stone, I was like, turn on CD.

If you can turn on some news coverage of a person losing their livelihood,

that'll blast that stone right out.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

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