#403: Rock and Roll Fantasy

Can you sit naked on a tree stump?

Could I?

I got pictures of naked ladies lying on the bed.

bed.

Back then, I fucked like a beast, and I fucked plenty of beasts.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

Walt, Q, and me.

Walt.

What's up, boys?

So you're very

energetic when you came in today.

Yeah, I'm super excited to be here.

Pistol.

Yeah, man.

It's been a minute, as the kids say.

Yeah.

Is that what they're saying these days?

I have no idea.

It's been a minute.

I've heard that.

I think I heard that on an episode of Cribs once

back in the 90s.

Yeah, so I'm ready to go.

But yeah, no, I was on the tour.

I was away for two, three weeks.

Yeah.

Excited, man.

What's wrong with...

Why does slang have to evolve?

Why does every generation think their slang is the slang?

Because it is.

But what's wrong with it just carrying over?

But then we'd still be like thee and thou, and like, verily.

You wouldn't love it?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

You know what?

The word cool has really st-the-lasting power of the word cool.

Cool is stuck.

Did that help, though, with

happy Days in the 70s, making it a word, like bringing it back from the 50s?

I don't know.

Was it a 50s word?

Oh, yeah.

Definitely.

I mean, I guess I should look at the

first guy in town.

It definitely was a 50s word.

And I think it was brought back into pop culture with the Fons and the Happy Days gang.

So there may be.

Cool may not be what it may not have had that lasting effect if not for a resurgence in the 70s.

Right.

So,

again, our generation, the greatest generation.

It is ours generation.

Greatest movies.

Is that what we're all only basing it on?

On our artistic output?

I hope so.

Not on crushing evil empires and saving millions and millions of people worldwide.

The Vietnamese,

not so much, I guess.

They won that one, right?

Yeah.

Sneaky guys.

Did they win?

I think no one won, really.

I mean, it's kind of a wash, right?

I'm not going to tell any Vietnam vet that we lost.

No.

But when you fight, and then you're like, all right, all right, we've had enough, we're leaving.

That kind of seems like a loss.

Well,

they had to fight with their hands tied behind their backs, though.

They weren't able to win like they won in World War II, though.

Yeah.

Boy, what was being held back?

Well, you weren't being able to drop a nuke anymore.

Yeah, I bet you could napalm the shit out of them.

I think they did.

Yeah.

Just not used to to that terrain, I suppose.

You want to know a really fucked up thought?

What's it?

Up until this very second, I never even considered the Vietnam War from the Vietnam side.

Isn't that weird?

Isn't that really bizarre?

Like, I never once thought about it.

Like, they were home.

They were just chilling in their fucking country.

And they're like, you know what?

How about we try this out as a political system?

And the government, the United States government, was like, oh, no, you don't.

I don't know.

Because they don't want the spread of communism, right?

I mean, not.

I mean, is it possible that

the Vietnamese

weren't the evil people that I've been led to believe?

I think if you look at it.

Did you watch Rambo?

Yeah.

Enough said.

You're right.

You saw a fucking Stallone fucking laid down.

It seemed like the white sheriffs were assholes.

You're talking about First Blood.

It seemed like when he came back, it was the white people who were assholes.

Oh, once again, the white people.

You remember, you saw those generals that were torturing everybody

in those camps.

Yeah, but

weren't we like

killing babies and stuff like that?

I don't know.

You know what?

I'm going to do some research on the Vietnam War.

I'm going to get back to everybody and inform them.

Let you know.

I mean, it's really like this is way too long to read about the origin of the word cool.

Hold on a second though.

Holy shit, Walt.

But look at you.

Cool has ebbed and flowed a bit over the years, losing some of its luster in the 60s before coming back on a wave of retro nostalgia in the 70s.

Think Arthur Fonzarelli of Happy Days and Danny Zucco of Greece.

Those would-be brand names.

I don't know why you guys doubt me.

400-plus episodes in.

I don't think I doubted you at all.

Oh, I did give you props last night, though.

Really?

What is the best sequel of all time, in your opinion?

Empire?

Oh, really?

I thought you were going to say T2.

Oh, T2.

Traditionally, you say T2.

T2, yeah.

T2,

it is so good.

And

in my mind, I'm like, yeah, Terminate 2 is great.

It's a great movie.

I re-watched it last night, and I was like, I forgot how fucking great this movie is.

You just, you just, they, you can't stop watching.

Just a just a small twist of making Arnold the good guy now

and you really rooting for him and you feeling the affection that the kid feels for you know for this robot and the father-like figure.

It was so well done.

It was unbelievable emotionally, and the stunts are crazy.

And it's all like, it's very, obviously except for the T-1000, but like it's all practical effects.

If something's blowing up, it's blowing up.

And I was like, man, it looks so fucking good.

It was, I'm telling you, the movie that I remember being great, it was even better than I remember.

Yeah, it was great.

Little known fact, it's so weird.

You've been, you watch T2, I've been

hipped, as the kids say, along with.

Well, me and Fonzie are trying to bring you up back.

You know who was originally slated to be the T2?

Besides Richard, what's it, John Patrick?

What was that dude's name?

Robert Patrick.

Robert Patrick.

You'll never believe it.

I don't even know if you'll know who he is.

Tom Sellick.

But Brian will know who he is.

He was Blackie Lawless of Wasp.

Got the role, and Arnold was like, he's too tall.

Really?

Yeah.

I've been on a Blackie Lawless of Wasp.

I've been on a WASP resurgence.

Yeah.

If you like metal,

and

you said to yourself, Wasp was corny and cartoony, and you stopped listening to them after Inside Electric Circus like I did.

But if you get Kill Fuck Die,

oh my God, it's so so fucking good.

A good album, a really great angry metal album.

And he was such a cool-looking guy, like just the weird long hair.

I mean, he was just such a cool guy.

No, he was not cool looking.

Not cool looking.

He was corny as hell looking at him.

I would say cool.

That's what I mean.

It was just so theatrical.

Like his hair was like

grayish and black.

No, no, he had two white straw.

He had two white streaks in it, like fucking Elsa Manchester from Broughton Frankenstein.

Oh, I thought he didn't say Elsa from.

Blackie, what?

Blackie lawless.

Lawless being one word.

And I've been really

getting through the discography.

And these guys never stopped doing what they were doing.

Nobody was listening.

He doesn't look that cool looking.

He looks like an old woman, but that's him now.

Well, that's him now.

Oh, wow.

That looks like...

Dude, anybody who lets Darren.

That's how awesome he looks.

That's like

Alice Cooper if you had a drinking problem.

I don't know, man.

Guys who

have hair that long at that age.

They don't look that great.

He looks like joan jet

doesn't he look like joan jet yeah he does

all right that's him there you go yeah come on he had a song called fuck like a beast you had to remember that one kid like a beast no yeah

i got pictures of naked ladies lying on the bed

i fuck like a beast wait wait wait wait wait hold on i'm confused by those lyrics

well you had to be into the 80s metal right you didn't remember wasp no she was glam she was glam oh he was.

She's like cockrock.

This was horror rock.

Wasp.

Right.

It wasn't for the current.

It wasn't for the curse.

So he fucks like a beast, but why are the pictures of ladies on the bed?

So he could look at them while he's fucking?

No, because he's so perverted.

Because WASP stood for we are sexual perverts.

Whoa!

I'm into this.

Yeah, get the album.

I'm going to do it.

Kill fuck die.

Kill fuck die.

And if you don't want to run over somebody on the way home, listen to it tonight.

Yeah.

And I don't know if you're just me.

Oh, you think my phone is going to pop out of my pants?

I'll go a step further if he doesn't run over.

Yeah, because you're just going to be so fucking pumped listening to this music.

This is like.

Make sure no one can hear it, though, because it's pretty dirty to lyrics.

Yeah, Q, if you want to bang a girl,

I do.

I like to.

You like to bang girls.

I know that.

Let me get to the chorus.

Oh, wait, there it is.

Rock out for a minute, everybody.

Yeah.

We got a lady Cora on the bedground so we can make a picture of all the ladies.

Ladies and gentlemen.

It's hard to be an 80s metal god in 2019.

Oh, that is.

Here we go, listen, Q.

Come on, man.

That should have been your anthem.

Hold on right now.

Hold on.

Fucking pussy

has blaze of glory in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Instead of this.

Wasp t-shirts.

That's why you're always making love, me and Walt.

We're throwing pictures all over the place.

We're fucking with beasts.

Yeah.

Don't you need shots to get a heart onto?

No, no.

It's now.

It's now.

Back then, I fucked Legna Beast, and I fucked plenty of beasts.

But yeah, I cannot.

I mean, I've only given a few recommendations on TSP.

I did Captain Beyond, and now I'm telling the listeners to go pick up Kill Fuck Die.

But you're not going to be able to find on iTunes, though.

That's what sucks, though.

Oh, look at that shirt.

It says, got blood, then I'll drink yours.

And he's drinking blood out of a skull.

He's awesome.

Blackie Lawless is the real deal.

And I'm sorry to say I...

I neglected to follow their career path, but I'm back in now.

It's going to change now.

Well, one of the guys died, right?

He was like a...

No, he didn't die.

Chris Holmes?

He didn't die.

He did not die.

He still alive.

Do you remember?

What was that?

The Decadence 80s metal or some sort of movie.

Yeah, what was the name of that movie?

Remember, it was The Decline of Western Civilization.

And they showed...

Do you know that one?

They showed Chris Holmes, the guitarist for WASP, in a pool.

He's incoherent.

You cannot.

He's an alcoholic, no doubt.

He's saying he's wasted just floating around this pool.

And his mom was in that scene, too, right?

I don't remember.

I think his mom was in that scene, kind of explaining it away.

But yeah, but he got thrown out.

I'm swear he died.

He got thrown out of WASP, and then he came back for Kill Fuck Die.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Let's see if they're on tour anywhere, right?

No, they're only touring Europe.

That's it?

Because

there's nobody in America that wants to see them anyway.

God damn it.

Oh, man.

We got to go to Europe.

What do you mean?

You got to get over to Finland, Sweden.

Oh, boy, look at this.

Sweden, Finland, Germany, Denmark.

That's sort of like Monster Magnet.

He's got to go over there too to get all the books.

That's what he says.

Wasp Nation.

They're on Twitter.

They don't follow anybody.

That's pretty metal.

And they have 12,000 followers.

Dude, I'm talking about some sold-out shows here.

Why do you think America

won't

support the metal anymore?

Because everybody likes rap shit and everybody likes the

pop stuff.

But why isn't there any more room?

Where do all the metalheads go?

Just got old?

They got old?

They're out there.

They go to any number of kind of metal concerts over at PNC or in smaller clubs, and they're still there.

But just not in the numbers they were in the 80s.

Not in the numbers, but in the same clothes.

With the same haircuts.

Can I throw out a theory about that?

That just came to me now.

So this might not be accurate.

It's definitely not well thought out.

But if you remember back in the day, metal

used to be the outsiders.

Yeah.

The guys in black, the scuzzy guys.

Yeah.

Parents didn't want you to listen to it.

Nope.

They cut school.

They were hanging behind.

Like, everybody was like, look at those fucking metal freaks.

Now

there are no more outsiders.

You got to love everybody.

It's so insane.

I don't know.

I seem to read constantly about people getting bullied into committing suicide.

Really?

Yeah.

So where the fuck is metal?

I don't metal.

Was that

supposed to be that the metal is gone?

And now these kids are like, I got nowhere to turn.

Because I need my little marginalized group over here, the metalheads, whatever.

You know?

I wonder if we can get Wasp to sing a song about the Prussian kissing devil.

Anybody listening knows Blackie?

Maybe you can hit him up.

I mean,

you got to cut out that part where I said he looks like an old woman.

No, because I've been giving him props.

Dude, the dude never fucking gave up the ghost, man.

He's flying that fucking metal flag

since the 80s.

He never compromised.

It's the same kind of music.

I don't know why I stopped listening because his voice is cool.

Compromised, evolved.

No, no, he did evolve.

He wrote these poppy kind of metal tunes on Inside Legend Circus and I really didn't dig it.

But I didn't realize though that he went super dark, super, super angry.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's really good.

He's going to be in my 20s.

Really?

And half my 30s.

Some of your 40s.

Depends on the day.

Did we ever, did we talk about being in New Orleans?

I can't.

No, I don't think we.

No, we haven't been back altogether since New Orleans.

I didn't know.

I don't know.

I mean, I cut this out of it.

I don't know.

Am I allowed to say I was there?

I think so.

I mean, he's

posted pictures of everyone who's in the movie.

I don't think he's like, but the really big surprise is Quick.

I just don't think you should say what your role was, but you were there and you partook in the

fun.

All right.

Scene.

Oh, he partook in it, all right.

Oh, man.

From the moment.

Big scene, man.

Oh,

I was talking about the sheer amount of time that it was.

Oh, yeah, that was crazy.

But that's a movie.

That was every day in the Impractical Jokers movie.

Yeah.

Get here.

And wait.

That's on every setting.

Yeah, I don't think you're going to be able to do that.

I don't think there's any set that doesn't have that.

I was talking to Salah about he's just beside himself.

He's like, I don't understand it.

I mean, you know, like, I don't have to come right now.

I can talk to someone on his movie.

That stinks of this.

It is crazy on movies, like, not necessarily, I mean,

not just Kevin.

Kevin's wasn't even the worst one I've ever done.

It was just, they just want you there when they want you there, so they have you when they need you.

We, um, okay, so but I had fun, and we were hanging out all day.

It was great, it doesn't matter.

We all shot the same day, you had to be there at 1:15.

We had to be there at 2, so

we got there at 2.

You were just hanging around at that point.

Yeah.

I mean, without going into too much boring details, she was laughing because she got the texts.

I can imagine you used up all your all your data no no i wasn't i i what did i say i was like i'm having it's a blast we're having fun like hanging out the fucked up part was they're like getting this outfit that was the problem and we'll get to you in six hours yeah six yeah you six would have been nice

yeah but when we uh so at two we were like all right well we're not going to do anything right away so we went to this nearby mall and the lady who who's supposed to watch over you is nervous and she doesn't want you to walk away because it's her ass if they need you and we start shooting to what like 10 at night oh i think it was like 11 11.

Yeah, it was pretty late.

Yeah,

it was a long day.

I mean, but we were all hanging out.

To me, it was like a blast.

Like, we were just having fun.

It was a good time.

Got Walt down on Bourbon Street, went to the St.

Patty's Day parade.

That was fucking cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's talk about that a bit.

I'll probably never see it again.

That may be probably.

I'll probably go for all three of us.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know Q is well.

Q will be back there again.

Not St.

Patrick's Day.

On Bourbon Street.

On Bourbon Street, yeah.

I do think it's down there.

But I would, like, you, you,

I would say, I think if people had video of you, not that you were like tossing beads or drinking or anything like that, but you had a good time.

Like,

you were into it.

Yeah, I had actually a better time than I thought I would the entire trip.

The entire, from like minute when I left to the minute I got home, I would give that a solid eight to almost eight and a half.

I would, you know, from my brief slice of it, I would agree.

Yeah, it was a good time.

And the ride down, we went down with Mike and Ming.

I never thought I'd see you.

We've done a lot of that, it sounds.

I never thought I'd see you on Bourbon Street at like 11 o'clock at night, like chilling.

Right, yeah.

I mean, there are some freaks out there.

You threw beads.

You threw beads at a van.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

He was tossing beads.

That was my favorite moment of that night was you being like having crossed over into that drunk

territory where

of like it seems like a good idea to throw beads at a lady's car.

Because what happened was

that.

I mean, it wasn't on Canal Street.

No, no, no.

It wasn't on Barrow Street.

It was on a

parade, and everybody's going by real slowly, and there's these little midget cars with the shriners in them, or whatever the fuck they are.

All kinds of different floats.

And then it was just like a sort of a van for a business.

It was like a bug business, you know, like an extermination business.

And they stopped in front of us, and the guy who's driving this van or whatever gets out.

And there's a lady in the passenger seat who's like why the fuck did I agree to be on a parree that's going to be eight hours long because this was a long parry we never saw the end or the beginning and we were there for like an hour yeah

so she's sitting there kind of like resting her head against the window and Q takes beads and throws them against the side of the window and like startles the lady you know

and when you see that you're like well I want to do that

so I mean it wasn't on everybody's throwing breeze beads everybody's throwing beads I was just aiming for the window right I was trying to get them on the actual

antenna to make them hook them on the antenna.

But when I missed and it hit the windshield, like amongst all that noise, you could still hear the clack of the beads hit that window.

And everyone turned around and looked.

I'm like, you fuck's the asshole.

Yeah, and they weren't cheap shit beads that you give to like the bottom shelf chicks.

These were like, they were like Christmas balls, like heavy plastic Christmas balls almost.

And it's like, boom, bounced off the windshield.

And there are guys in front of us who are like, who's doing that?

And they could turn around.

It's clearly us.

I mean, there's no one behind them but us.

I think these guys are like, I mean, they don't know who we are or

care.

Well, no, they care in as much as they're like, I wish they'd stop doing it by the looks of these guys.

I'm not going to tell them to stop doing it.

Well, we're laughing.

We're laughing like we're on like Oxycodo.

I don't know, like, whatever, like, laughing ass.

It was really fun.

It was so funny.

And then the best part is, so we throw it at the van, and for some reason, we're like, you suck.

Like, it makes no sense.

And that's what we're laughing at.

And then we went went to this bar called Saints and Sinners on Bourbon Street.

Um,

that I know the guy, the guy that manages it, real nice guy named Joe, and he led us up on the balcony, which overlooks Bourbon Street.

And the

parade, we're all, you know, Walt was a little chilly inside at that point, but like, we're all,

you know, that was two hours drinking on top of the first incident with the van.

And the same parade comes down Bourbon Street, and we lit up, look at the van's back, the van's back, and we just started pelting it with beads, going, you suck.

It was so funny, man.

Now,

since I've never been there, for me, the observations were I was amazed at some of the people who dance

seemingly non-stop in a trance.

Like they're not there.

They're not on Bourbon Street.

I don't know where they are.

Oh, like

that blonde, those blonde chicks.

Yeah, the blonde chick, yeah.

They're just like dancing and swaying, and they don't stop, and their eyes are not watching anything.

They're just not even in the same realm, they're just in a different plane.

They look happy.

That blonde chick was happy, man.

Blonde or blonde?

Blonde.

Blonde.

I don't know.

I don't remember seeing a blonde.

I thought there was one that had like cornrows.

Is that what you call it?

No, we were talking.

There was like this group of women, and there was this one blonde girl who was dancing for an hour straight.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was dancing those days.

And just the energy that was

output of that just to keep dancing and that level of uh intensity yeah it was strange to see you know i mean it was at first i thought you were talking about mike because

mike was dancing too i think he left by that point but mike was dancing man yeah i didn't stay i left i left mike was having fun you're trying to hit people with beads

yeah that was the part i i was like well i wasn't wasn't mike somebody threw some at someone And I was like, well, guys, we're on this balcony.

They're doing me a favor.

Maybe we shouldn't

hurt people with beads.

He got carried away.

Didn't Mink show up late?

Ming showed up late with like four people.

Yeah, two girls and their uncle.

Yeah, their uncle.

I like

these two girls

and this fucking old guy.

And the old guy wouldn't stop talking to me.

And then, and then this happens.

Okay, a fucking.

All right, you had left.

Ming comes up.

He comes with these two girls.

And they're both had to go shopping for one of those space blankets.

He was so chilly out there on the balcony.

I just wanted to go back there in a room.

He needed a shawl.

And like, I get cornered on one side of the balcony by the uncle and Ming and the girl.

But the uncle's doing all the talking.

And it's like 15 minutes.

And then I look around and I'm like, where the fuck is Brian?

He's talking to the other girl that Ming brought all the way on the other side of the balcony.

The two of them are just having a blast watching the brain.

I'm like, I go, excuse me one second.

I walked over to Brian and I pulled him inside.

And I go, if you think that I'm going to fucking stand there and talk to this fucking uncle.

So great this second.

Like it hadn't occurred to me until he came up and he's like, can I talk to you for a minute?

And I was like, oh shit.

That's right.

He's over there talking to Uncle whoever.

And I thought he was fucking with me.

I was like, if you think you're going to trap me over there all night, it's not happening.

And then we just laugh.

And everything's fun.

Everything's funny, isn't it?

When you're with your friends, like, even if you had trapped me with them to talk

with you, to fuck with me, it would have been hysterical.

The fact that you didn't do it makes it even funnier.

I don't know, man.

It was a really good trip.

It reminded me of when we used to drive cross-country.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

Was that the cash register sound of an eBay sale?

That was an eBay sale, yeah.

Nice.

I'm not going to check it.

I'm potting.

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Stopped at a whole bunch of, we recorded a bunch of stuff

in the cars.

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What would leave Tuesday?

By Wednesday,

I had

some serious stomach issues.

Yeah.

All through Wednesday into Thursday, and then like 10 days after that.

I had to go to the goddamn doctor.

I was like,

I'm like, hey,

what do I got?

You know, he didn't even give me, he was like,

it sounds like you picked up something while you were down there.

Like, give it a couple more days.

No, this was like a week in.

Because after a week, I was like, I don't know.

Maybe it's dangerous.

So I went, and he's like, just wait it out.

And in the, well, as I was waiting, then I got another kidney stone, but it like passed pretty easily.

So yeah, it was fucking awesome.

It was a bummer.

I was hoping you were going to come on tour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly that.

Yeah.

The second I got home, I didn't leave the house for probably a week.

Like, just didn't even leave.

That's rough.

Yeah.

And then I didn't get to go on the tour, so I have to go on the next leg.

Oh, there's a second leg?

There's so many legs ahead of them.

It's a fucking centipede.

But the movie was fun.

Yeah.

The movie was fun to do.

There's some really cool stuff in it.

There's cool people that you'll like to see.

Jane Bob, top form they're back maybe it's like you know it was it was really funny it was really fun being stepped right out of the 90s right yeah except did you notice anything about muse this time

very professional he wasn't telling people to lick asshole and

i was really impressed with muse man like he was i got there muse is all business he was all business going over his lines he's doing all this stuff he was very focused he was concerned about his performance it was like a side of muse i you know i mean i I wasn't on strike back, so I don't, maybe he was like that then.

But on Dogma, he was like drinking half a bottle of whiskey before takes and shit like that.

Well, he was also on junk during Dogma.

Yeah, that too.

Right.

A less professional muse.

It was good to see that muse.

And,

you know, he'd been taking it seriously and being really happy.

Yeah, because Jordan.

Yeah, because Jordan straightened me out.

She was like, asshole.

Jordan straightened me out.

She was like, yo, Q, you want to take it seriously?

I was like, all right, all right, so it's all right.

She's the best.

She is a

lot.

She's awesome.

Got to meet Diedrick Bader, which I didn't think was going to be as big of a deal as it was.

Was it a big deal?

Yeah.

He was a really nice guy.

He was a nice guy.

Real friendly.

I like his work.

Not an A-lister or something, you know.

Isn't he an A-lister?

He's on a Drew Carey show.

I don't think he's an A-lister.

He can't just walk up to a bumpin' club.

Do the kids still say bumpin' waltz?

I didn't know they ever stored it.

Okay.

Cool club.

Yeah, probably not.

Yeah.

What else?

I wrote some stuff down then.

I forgot my.

Oh, we, the, the, the, the, the, uh, all right, so we're on set.

This is a tale from the set of Jamestown Bob Reboot.

Uh, and Wolf comes up with the idea to break into an amusement park.

Abandoned

abandoned amusement park.

So there's a six flags in Orlando.

No, New Orleans.

New Orleans, sorry, New Orleans that

got flooded during Katrina and it never reopens.

Just shut it down and everything's still standing as is the day before.

And you really wanted to break into the park?

I thought that would be pretty cool for the Patreon to get footage of us breaking in and

urban exploring.

Yeah.

I thought that would be awesome.

I agree.

We almost did.

If we didn't go so late, I think we would have done it.

I think we had pushed each other's buttons and were

playing chick on each other.

I don't think anybody was going to back out.

I wasn't going to back out.

I thought you were going to back out.

I wasn't going to back out.

It would have been so cool.

I wasn't going to back out.

But we actually went the next morning and we couldn't get in.

That's a good thing we didn't go.

There was security everywhere.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Fucking weird.

Like,

you see it from the outside.

It looks really cool.

It's just looks like

dilapidated, frozen in time.

So you go around to the main entrance, and there's this old dude, like 70-ish, like early 70s.

He could have got around him.

I don't know.

You could have got around him, yeah.

But I mean, he would have called a real fuzz.

But we didn't even try to get around him.

We were just looking at it, and he's like, you got to go.

And he was not happy to fucking.

And we didn't go right away.

In two minutes, maybe, some, I guess it was a

plainclothes cop or whatever.

No, actually, he was in his uniform.

What's it called?

Unmarked car, which was a Corvette.

It was a shiny red Corvette.

Jesus.

Yeah, so I was like, what are you on the fucking take or something?

Like, how's a cop pulling up in a Corvette?

But this guy was like,

I'm not sure how long he's worked there, but if an average, 10 times a day, he's telling people, you got to go.

So these Canadian people pulled up and

got out of the car.

They're taking pictures too.

And you said something to them about something about us being famous.

Fucking around.

No, no, I said it to the security guard.

I go, they're not here to see the amusement park.

They're here to get pictures with us, I told them.

We're famous.

And we're fucking around.

I think the Canadian people knew exactly who we were.

Oh, wow.

Did they see that?

The guards?

The guard didn't care.

He was not amused at anything.

No.

Get the fuck out of here.

And if you try to sneak in from the side, because there was a hole in the fence, but it looks so marshy and shit with bugs.

How much would you be willing to slide into

the security guard's palm to get us in?

What's your max?

You can assume he's making 11 bucks an hour?

What's your top?

Unfettered.

He's letting us in and we'll walk in.

We promise we won't get hurt.

We promise we'll come out.

You'll ever know how much you wanted to give him to let us in.

I'd do 1,000.

Really?

I do 1,000.

I wonder if he would have taken it.

Probably not.

No, it's not worth $1,000 to lose a job.

Probably not.

No.

Did you guys look, see if there was any drone footage of the park?

Somebody's had to have.

I don't know how you get a drone over there, though.

I mean, just a little bit of a drink.

Well, you could do it from the side, but then that guy would hear it or see it, and he'd be like, oh, no, you don't.

And then you're going to lose your drone because you would never get it back until because the cops would have come and arrest you and wait for the drone to come back.

I don't know if they'd arrest you.

You're not allowed to fly a drone over

private property, are you?

I think you are.

I mean, I've done it so many times.

Nobody's arrested me as of yet.

I flew it over the Brooklyn Bridge.

The cops are like, what are you doing?

Is that your drone?

I was like, yeah, I'm just testing it out.

They're like, all right.

Well, you can't do it, so you got to fly and bring it down.

I was like, you got it.

And I flew it for another 10 minutes, brought it down.

I don't think the, I don't know if New Orleans was as friendly as the New York cops.

This guy definitely was not.

He definitely was not.

I'm going to look.

Oh, shit.

The ground.

That would suck.

Yeah, that would be cool to walk around in, wouldn't it, though?

It would be awesome.

Oh, that is cool, man.

There was rumors of homeless people living in there, though.

What happens if you roll up on a homeless crew?

And wild boars.

I don't think this is a drone.

I think this guy's on foot.

Because, look,

he goes into...

Look, he has a game room, and he goes into the game room, unless he's flying a drone in there.

Yeah, how do you get it out?

Holy shit, that's cool.

So, they could, they did get all the games out of there.

It's not exactly frozen from the day before.

They got a lot of drone, they got a lot of that out.

Some light fixtures and stuff, if you're into that sort of thing, a little sconce.

We've got some copper.

We could have ripped up some copper, yeah, like a bunch of crackheads and shit.

Sold that shit.

What's the matter, Gim?

Trying to disassemble the roller coaster rails.

We got fucking.

welding equipment.

The other thing that I noticed in New Orleans, I hadn't seen it before.

I think it's just one for when he travels, was a beautiful purse, little coin purse that Walt

carried with him.

I didn't know whether we were going to mention this or not.

I thought you might want to spare him.

No.

Because then Mike got him a fancier one.

Was it a New Orleans one?

I think it had New Orleans skulls on it and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you, you guys can, and like, obviously,

I'm not uncomfortable with my masculinity.

I could wear a fucking pumps

and a garter and a pocketbook.

And I'm still going to be the same guy.

It doesn't matter.

My wife gave me a little thing to hold my change in.

Right, but that's what she thinks of you, man.

Like, that's she's like, you know, it's this or a fanny pack.

I don't want him getting beaten up.

So if I just give him the purse,

she's like, this motherfucker never put photos on the bed when we fucking

pinky lawless.

Here lies Pinky Lawless.

Never.

I can't figure it out.

I'm like.

I'm like, is it that simple that his wife was like, oh, here, put your money in this.

For whatever reason.

I told her that

the guys are riding to me about this thing you gave me, and she's like, Why?

What's wrong with them?

Don't they got anything better to do than worry about what your money is in?

I was like,

But you know, I said, You know what?

If Brian wasn't here and I pulled that out, Mike and Ming would have said nothing.

I said, But as soon as Brian's there, then they feel like, Oh,

the spotlight's on somebody else, so they see the fresh meat.

We're not second day.

So they, you know, So I was like, you know, I didn't care.

So you think their feeling was like self-preservation, not a true disappointment in a man who carries a woman's coin press?

Yeah, I don't care what it was.

I just wasn't, I wasn't going to

let the

taunt stop because I knew I could see that they enjoyed, you know, not being in the barrel

for 15 hours a day on a three-day trip.

It took 20 hours each way.

I did my best.

Now, you, now, I really, I thought it was hysterical that we were having a text meeting you on the way down, and I was telling you that, you know, that we were going to beat you there, even though you were on a plane.

Oh, that was so funny.

And I was so fucking up.

And I was so fucking annoyed.

Because I flew down that day.

That, like, you got, you beat us literally by

10 seconds.

Seconds I got to the counter.

The best part.

Yeah, because me and Walt are texting.

I'm making fun of them for driving.

I'm like, guys, I'm getting on a plane.

That's fucking Alabama or whatever.

And then Walt, like, well, what time do you get to the hotel?

I said, oh, like 5:30.

He's like, oh, we're getting there 5, so I guess we beat you, the tortoise and the hare.

And I was like, but that, I was like, but it doesn't track because I'm still only taking four hours to get down.

But I let it go.

And then I'm checking in, and they walk up behind me.

Man, my heart sank when

I heard your voice before I saw you, and I was just like, Mother,

as he approached, I countered the biggest smile.

Yeah.

Well, well, well.

And then there was no talk of the tortoise and the hare on the back.

Because you were halfway home by the time we left the goddamn amusement park.

Well, yeah, I got a text like later that afternoon.

How's it going?

I'm home.

And I'm like, we just got started, basically.

Yeah.

We also,

it didn't time out correctly, but we were going to go to this place in

Alabama where all the luggage, all the lost luggage from

airlines

is brought to this.

We didn't make it in time.

We did not make it in time, but Walt called.

Again,

we're too famous.

Walt calls up because we were recording it because he wants to ask if it's like 20 to 6.

They close at 6, and he wants to be like, can you stay open till 6.30?

Because we're almost there.

From what I understand, the place is like a square block.

It's a huge place.

It's not like

the Sash.

Gigantic.

It's just lost luggage that they sell.

Yeah, I don't know how they got

this contract, but they have the only people in the country who are allowed to sell forfeited luggage.

I mean, it must be like hangers and hangers and hangers of this shit.

Yeah, so

Walt calls and he's like, hey, can you stay open later?

And she's like, I can't.

And the plan is once she says I can't, which we know she's going to say, he busts the comic bookmen fame cards so that she's like, I don't know, and I don't give a fuck.

That's what we're hoping for.

That's what we're hoping for, but then she knows about comic book men, and then we're on the phone with her for 40 minutes.

Oh, my God.

She'cause we figured it out.

She's not allowed to hang up on anybody.

Yeah.

We're throwing the stupidest questions like,

uh, if we're we're gonna get there a little bit later, maybe 7:30.

Could you like, she'd already said no to 6:30, but Walt's pushing it was 7:30.

And all kinds of shit with, like, um, we're asking her if we could stay at her place, and she says no.

Can she uh book us a room with her credit card?

we promise we pay her back our show got to end it so we don't have any credit anymore

40 minutes dude this woman's like god damn it i'm at work yeah

she was too they're nicer in the south

um it's not an urban myth they are they they are slower that's true but

no they just go at like different

yeah why can't you but they're and that they're definitely nicer though.

Yeah,

they have a different way of life down there.

Slower.

It's nicer.

I think it's better.

I can't take the trade-off of slow for a while.

It's too slow, right?

Yeah, I can't take it.

But what about the traffic, though?

Don't you feel like here it's too slow?

So do you have a good difference?

Yeah.

But the traffic trade-off would be nice, right?

Traffic.

Open roads.

Well, it depends on where you're living.

I mean, if you're living next to any kind of major city, it's just going to be shitty traffic, too.

Yeah.

You wouldn't think about ever just buying a farm and just going out there and forgetting about all that?

Not down south, but maybe the south, like the southwest, I would.

Yeah, what kind of farm would you want?

Not really like a cactus farm where I don't have to fucking do anything.

Yeah, you're thinking more of a ranch.

Yeah,

you have all that land, but you don't got a battle.

Livestock?

How many heads of cattle do you got?

Pets.

Like I would have a cow and a goat and stuff like that.

Oh, it's like on the sign, it can say cattle ranch, and you just cross out those letters you don't need, so it just says cat ranch, and then you've got a whole fucking cats running running around all over the place.

That I would like.

Yeah, cat ranch.

Nice cat ranch.

They all have a distemper and

leukemia.

It's like a wine tail in your house.

It sounds like one of those prostitution places, though.

A cat house.

A cat ranch?

Yeah, like I wouldn't want a cat house.

Could you imagine running women for a living?

Jesus Christ.

I know a guy who manages a strip club in Manhattan, and he's like, it's the fucking worst.

Because the thing is, the only way you can do it is if you're mean.

Yes.

You can't do it.

If you have any shred of...

If that dude who wasn't HBO, didn't look like he was a meanie.

Who done us off?

But you have to have a certain attitude where you're like, I don't want to be.

We all love him.

He was like a teddy bear.

Yeah, they're on TV.

Okay, yeah.

Remember how we pretended we like Micah Ming on the show?

You already know this by now.

Yeah, I mean, well, that's also like that's a different level.

Like a strip club or like

a spa whorehouse where like what's his name got busted, Robercraft.

You have to be like, I don't give a shit.

Like we knew that that girl Joy who worked at Fantasies years and years ago,

9-11.

9-11 had just happened.

They're like, get up on that stage and dance.

I don't give a fuck.

Like, you have to not count.

And the hole wasn't brought down by a plane.

No.

So get the fuck off.

People are even sadder, though, on that day.

You would think they need a little,

need a little.

Pick me up.

Yeah, like a little, like, I just don't want to think about anything right now.

I'm so depressed, I just want to see some

tatas and stuff.

Right, yeah, I don't want to get too graphic here in the script.

Just Monica, I just don't want to, I just want to forget for a few minutes, you know, the horrors that I just saw.

So, I, you know, I can understand them being like, you got to carry on for the good of America.

It was like USA, you know.

Yeah, she was like one of the comfort women of the Revolutionary War.

Daughters of the something.

Oh, my God.

Is that my statue?

That's your statue.

I fucking forgot all.

I even forgot I even bought that.

Got a sweet statue out of it.

Oh, yeah.

Someone's making a woman perspective on this.

Someone's making too much money, I think.

Do you know how much I negotiated that down?

You could have negotiated it down to $100.

I've been like, that's over.

From fucking $1,500 to $400.

I understand.

Cash on the barrel hit.

And I won $200 of that in the casino.

And

I just hot dogs and felt sick after that.

Afterwards, all right, Casey, you know.

This guy

has too much money, I think, to be buying this.

Let's go back to the days

where you were handling my business for me, right?

Before you married this fucking guy.

Yeah, what, what?

And you walk in.

Remember how I fucked you like a beast the other night?

And

we were playing Wasp?

It was, yeah, naked pictures of.

Oh, it's better than I even fucking.

All right, here, you got to come here and look at it.

You're discovering it all over again.

Oh, I forgot about it.

Are you going to describe it for listeners?

Because we're going to see.

We'll take a picture.

Well, for those who don't go online.

It's all cleaning up.

What the fuck is that?

How are they getting the show if they don't go online?

Well,

they don't go on the social media.

It is brass, is it?

Bronze.

Bronze statue of two prostitutes.

Well, it's two women.

Why are they prostitutes?

Tomatoes.

Oh, there are prostitutes?

Oh, I don't.

You know why?

Maybe that's some sort of like.

They got heels on?

What's that called?

You see her tongue?

She's got a tongue.

I didn't know the statue had a tongue there.

Hold on a second.

Well, I'm going to have to take pictures of this from different rooms.

Well, it's what's it called?

Cunalingus.

It's a

Cunalingus statue.

I got to tell you, I've seen a couple crotches in my day that look like that.

You need to clean this

rustin.

It needs a little cleaning.

What's this called?

What's that shit called?

Tina?

Brian, describe to the listeners what you're seeing here.

What are they sitting on?

Wait, thumbs up, thumbs down?

Oh, thumbs down.

I could have told you that.

I mean, I thought she was a fucking woman.

I know.

Sorry for that.

She's a little prudent.

I'll talk to her.

Dude, good luck on that sex life problem.

All right, what do we got here?

She's like, go jerk off and tell your friends about it.

It definitely needs to be clean.

This is, without a doubt, was in someone's yard.

Well, what makes you want to buy it?

Because, like I said, it's a woman on her knees.

It's two women.

Performing on another woman who's sitting on a stump.

Yeah, she appears to be sitting on a stump of stuff.

Because that happens, right?

People sit on fucking tree stumps and engage in this activity.

It's a rock and roll fantasy, y'all.

I mean, it is a fantasy, right?

Because it's not realistic.

Well, I mean, I've seen women do this to each other.

What, on video?

They're being, like I said, they're being paid.

It's a life of fucking free.

This is.

Do you disapprove of this?

I just don't see how anybody would put it in your house.

Is that your problem?

No.

I just feel it's just a little bit too

trashy.

I look at this as.

What's trashy about this?

Look, she's in ecstasy.

She's feeling good.

What's more important in life than that?

That's a private moment at best.

If not.

But somebody told me that.

You know, though, these guys aren't real, right?

Like, that is not something that I would want to walk.

That makes me uncomfortable if I walk into someone's house and I see that.

Well, yeah, because you're not expecting it.

But if you're like...

Okay.

But if you're expecting to see it, like, you know, you're hanging out, you and your girl, and the other girls are for friends over, drinking a little bit, smoking.

No, we're not.

We're not cement heads.

All right, well.

Okay, let's say that it's before 8 o'clock when you two go to bed.

Okay.

And Q invites us over for like a dinner, and that's on the table.

My face is hitting the floor.

I'm so embarrassed.

And I'm like, oh, God.

You know what's real?

Can I, just someone just shoot me right now?

Because I know that's going to be the topic of conversation all the the way home.

Oh, I would think so.

I mean, I don't know what the fuck comes after that.

That would be the topic of conversation.

I mean, the thing is, like, they're naked.

Oh, Q, please have that kind of person.

Oh, they have heels on, too.

They have high heels.

Yeah, okay.

But they're not prostitutes, right?

Okay.

No, they're just regular women.

But the tree stump is weird because if you want to do this,

sitting on a rotting tree stump, probably moss and shit all over it.

Well, I mean, even if you're not doing this, do you can you sit?

Can you sit naked on a tree stump?

Could I?

Yeah, and have any level of comfort.

Then throw into a fact now, you got to perform.

So, if somebody wants to blow me, I'm sitting naked on a tree stump.

Yeah.

If someone happens upon that, there's

that is 100% a troll.

I didn't think they existed.

And it's just some fucking perverted written influence.

Oh, man.

Jay must be under a curse of Rumble Stilskin.

She doesn't want to sleep for another 4,000 years.

So she's got that penis in her mouth

so she can stay awake.

I think he's got a twig up his ass, that guy.

Yeah, is he sitting or riding?

You can't even tell.

I saw this

and we all started laughing.

And I thought.

No, that's not true.

Nobody was laughing.

Nobody was like, ha, ha, ha.

I think you saw it, and you immediately were like, I want that.

You were not laughing.

I'm not denying for a second.

You're like, isn't this funny?

And yes, man, Walt was like,

we were all like, look at that.

That's so fucking nuts.

By the way, there's a blanket.

There's a blanket on the stump.

Oh, there's a blanket on the stump.

This may have been sculpted from real life, then.

I don't see any clothes anywhere.

I'm telling you.

This is

nice.

But I like the dead child better that was just sitting in the chair.

I was like, that's that was cool, too.

That's fucking metal.

That was metal.

This isn't metal.

No, if me and Deb came over and you had a dead cute, you know,

nothing.

Not even batted of an eyelash.

It's not even a topic of conversation.

He's fucking Hollywood.

You know what I'm saying?

Dude, you're not the fucking guy.

Don't you get super offended at that thing of the kid pissing in the garden?

Oh, that created.

Doesn't that drive you away?

Yeah, like when you're fighting.

You're not the audience for this.

No, exactly.

But who is?

Me.

Other than you.

Me and a lot of people.

This is erotica, bro.

Now I'm an erotica collector.

Yeah.

That's not porn.

See, this is classy.

Now, what is it?

Can I ask you, though, in all honesty, no fooling around.

We got to put this picture up, otherwise, people are like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

Put it up now.

We'll put it up before.

I want to take a couple different angles.

I want to get all the stuff.

Hey, you, yeah, you.

Come here.

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Terms and conditions apply.

Of course, we all know that.

And that is it.

As a collector,

your initial thoughts, like, what moves you about the piece?

What are the words that come to mind when you see this piece?

That's a quick question.

What's a girl eating another girl?

Yeah, I mean, what the fuck?

I mean.

Yeah, but it's not an image, but it's not something that needs to be displayed.

Jeez, dude, there's something here that's not like us.

So if mom and dad come over,

is your smut piece on the fucking centerpiece of the table when mom and dad come over?

No, it's not going to live on the center table.

This is going to be in my personal office.

Okay.

Is it locked, the office at all times?

It is, actually.

What the fuck?

It's not like enriched uranium.

Like, why does he have to keep it away?

Well, if his mom walked in,

that would be horrible.

I have a subscription to Playboy.

That just sits on my table.

I'm a sexual being, dude.

Playboy playboy is not the same parents are gonna have to accept it yeah

shove it in their face but a playboy now is just doesn't have the same connotations that it did you know what this is like you know you bring a lady over she's gonna see this she's gonna know what's she's gonna know what the business this is an office and it's business time hey here's and that's that how does that how does that play parlay into that how does that suspect she's gonna look at her and she's gonna get like this dude is a super i'm gonna be dismembered and put into a fucking barrel.

Maybe the dead baby.

And maybe he'll save my, and maybe he'll save my bits to fucking perform on.

At least part of me is saved as a trophy, so there's some record that I was here.

No, really.

What are you, like, when you first started?

You're the one that transported this over state lines.

Yeah, I know.

So did Walt.

As a collector, and

how does the art piece, what is it, what are the words that come to mind?

Give me three words that immediately pop into your head.

Well, what comes to mind is that you would say erotic already.

Yeah, erotic, erotic.

Erotica.

Really, the reason I got it is so that

people.

Oh, fuck it.

Yeah.

I don't know how I'm going to

figure it out, but I'm going to figure it out.

I'm going to work it out.

Don't you worry about it.

I've yet to meet a statue.

I could have fucked.

No,

I think that people, my friends are going to come in.

The guys in the fly hats come over and play some poker, some manly stuff.

Okay, so this is.

This is for bros.

This is for bros.

So this is for some bro points.

This is for some macho points.

People are going to be like, that's fucked up.

Did you.

No one's commented on my statue.

Yeah.

So you want people to be

to slap you on the back and say some bawdy things to you.

They need that.

And tell you that you're the man.

Oh, you fucking, you get it just like that, you.

I know you go like that.

Go get, go, kid, go.

I feel like I'm in a frat house.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn't think of it like that.

No, no.

What happens is the fire guys come over.

They're like, oh, we put out a fire the other day.

We put out a fire last week.

You, did you put out any fires lately?

Check this out, yo.

I didn't put out any fucking fires.

I'm still a man.

Yeah, check out my erotica.

I'm like Jackie Tremor.

And before you ask, yeah, I fucked it.

Of course.

Jackie Dreamor.

Mr.

Treen,

all right.

So I got word number one: erotica.

Yeah.

What's word number two?

I'm going to say

entertaining.

Entertaining.

Yeah.

We did a laugh.

We had a good laugh at it.

Yeah.

And number three?

Can you say righteous?

What were the other two already?

Erotica.

Erotica.

Yeah.

And entertaining.

Sentimental.

Yeah.

You think of

sentimental thoughts when you see that picture?

Yeah, because we bought it together.

It was saturated.

So now you're going to associate me with it?

Yeah.

I'm naming the one on her knees.

That's fucking nuts.

The one on her knees is

who's on the trunk we'll figure that out is that you

waltz and q

the one on the knees is is walton the one on the stump q

not pictured as me behind a tree

now you now what uh

that doesn't make me feel better about the piece would it would it at least pass muster with deb if you go to the dinner party

that's me yeah that's me sucking q'stick that's not too late i know it doesn't look like me but that's that's me but if i were new

like the head of a drina and long hair, that would totally be me.

And these two women are, they're physically perfect to representate looking good.

But

unrealistic.

No, this is a good

unrealistic representation of the female form.

That's not a few, but

not the common female form.

Isn't like that with not a

speck of

imperfections.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, it's weird that the sculptor wasn't like, let me put two fatties each other out.

That's bizarre.

Oh, let's see some realism.

I'll give you a 50 for it.

Yeah,

the girl on her knees is holding up the other one's stomach so she can see if she actually is a pussy.

I mean, actually, I would buy that statue.

I would rather have that.

So would I?

Come on.

Now, come on.

We walked in the store.

Oh, he wanted $1,200, not $50.

No, he wanted $1,200.

Yep.

Still, man.

Yeah, I did see your negotiating skills.

You are hell-bent to get it at a price.

$400.

He's got a second career at the stash, you think?

Absolutely.

I mean, hopefully, more like X-rated pieces come in

while he's here.

Because it seems that's the only thing that moves the needle.

Amazing Fantasy 15 could come in.

He wouldn't fucking barter down with such fucking

mirror as he did with this piece, though.

Somebody who brings in an old collection of Wii magazines.

He's on it.

He's your guy.

I'm having my basement redone.

And it's the house I grew up in, right?

So they've taken down the walls.

And in the walls, they found a penthouse, a copy of shaved magazine, and two women's panties.

Now, did you hide it?

I remember every single one of those items going into the wall.

So why did you hide it in the wall?

Wait, what was the inventory?

It was a penthouse magazine.

It was a shaved magazine.

Now, a shaved, I'm assuming it means it's a female magazine.

Yeah, about

no hairs.

You have to remember this magazine.

We're talking late 80s, early 90s, when shaved was still TV.

Yeah.

That's how I had the curve.

So that's that why you hit him.

You were the perv.

Yeah.

I could keep the other ones around there's hairy pussy.

But if I got to throw the ones that's with bald pussy in a wall, no, no.

Where's the bush?

I don't know, Ma.

No,

we got to get him to a doctor's, Don.

We got to get him.

Oh, my God.

The boy.

No, no, no, honey.

He does have some magazines with hairy pussy.

He's okay.

Maybe just one of those bisexuals.

Who knows?

He's a freak of teacher.

This is your fault.

Start arguing about it.

They start blaming each other.

Why did you hide the magazine so?

No, because what happens is

there was a slot there behind the wall that I was able to hide things in, but sometimes they fell too far behind.

And you just forgot about them.

No, I couldn't get them.

You just couldn't get them.

Without ripping the wall open.

So you knew one day your shame would be discovered?

Well, I'm not really ashamed.

How are you not ashamed?

What are you talking about?

Your parents were fucking founded?

No, I own the house.

Oh,

my God.

Is that why you bought the house?

Yeah.

They can never see this.

He's like,

is that why this whole like, I got hit in Hollywood?

I got to make money.

I need to make money.

I don't want to risk the mercy charge.

I'll just buy it.

So you knew that, like...

I knew the two magazines and

the two women's on the way were back there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't hear about that.

Conquest trophies.

Like Wookiee Scalps.

Exactly.

Except unlike Boba Fit, I couldn't attach it to my fucking shoulder.

Oh, man.

Trophies?

Like, what, like

her driver license or something?

No, no, like her panties.

Oh.

Oh, that's where they're from?

It was Girls Hold Panties?

Yeah.

That's way weirder than a shaved magazine.

What did you say?

Did you ever see that Wookiee movie where they were like, they fucking hold up the panties to prove that they, that they fucked?

Oh, the ones that they're now they're talking about that actually being a date rape.

Yeah.

Have you heard about Ted Bundy's movie too?

Yeah, what?

You know, panties, teeth, trophies, shaved magazines,

hidden rooms in the house that the parents don't know about.

Well, whatever.

I'm just telling you, man.

I've always been a sexual being.

Yeah, I mean, there's no arguing it.

So this makes sense.

If you could fucking fit this statue behind the wall at a two-house, I'd probably generally.

So

if the parents want to come over and take a tour of the house,

will you hide the statue or you keep it in the office?

I'd probably keep it there.

Really?

Yeah, that's just something I just would not want to have.

There's no reason I go to a conversation about seeing them like, what's that?

What the fuck's it look like?

Oh,

look at their bronze pussies.

They're shaved, mom.

I told you I was a pioneer.

Now, how much do you think is this an investment?

I mean, it's already paid off as far as I'm concerned.

No, no, really.

Like in the art world, can you flip this and make a profit?

That would be great if you brought it around to like a couple different dealers and tried to sell it.

I didn't think about that, but maybe I should.

This might be a find on the level with the Prussian kissing devil skull.

That was going to be right here.

It ain't staying here.

Clear out some of that view askew shit.

Wow.

All right.

Well, thank you for transporting it for me.

Oh, no worries.

I didn't even know it was in the view.

I brought it in my room at night.

I don't want anybody to steal it.

I think it's beautiful.

It's two women in love, dude.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Come on.

Now, that's interesting.

That's Freudian.

What's that?

You think they're in love.

I believe they're in love.

Why?

Because look at...

All right.

Why?

We should, if you haven't seen the the pictures yet,

this picture.

Go and look at the pictures if you haven't seen them yet.

I'll put them up on Twitter.

There's passion here.

Okay, there's a big difference between passion and love, though.

No, but I think they really care about each other.

She's.

You said love.

Now

you're walking it back, it sounds like.

No, I stand by it.

I think they're in love.

Look at her face.

She isn't.

But the one who's getting it isn't even touching the other one.

She's got a hand in her hair.

Oh, is that a hand?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I thought that was a tree stump.

I thought there was more branches or something.

She's caressing her lover's scalp.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess they're out in the middle of the woods is because they can't forget this at home.

There you go, man.

That makes it even hotter.

But you know what?

It's probably real art because that's what real art does.

It makes people see different things.

Isn't that right?

Yeah.

Just submerge it in a fish tank full of piss and you'll be an artist.

Well, you know what we could do is, I'm sure

we could just make miniature versions of it and sell them.

I wouldn't

play it.

We did that with the Prussian Mini

Kissing Devil skull, and we still haven't turned a profit on that one.

Can we use that skull as one of their heads and repurpose them?

Like, if they both have Prussian Kissing Devil heads?

I don't think that anything will help that.

I am not surprised by your reaction, Walt, but I.

I'm not surprised by your reaction, but I am.

I guess that's the end of the sentence.

I'm not surprised.

The guy carries a fucking woman's change purse.

What more do you need to know?

You get it, right, Brian?

Fuck yeah.

You get it.

Come on, come on.

He's always gotten you, though.

Yeah, we get each other.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm going to rename that woman on the road.

Like, on her knees, Brian.

Brian and Brian.

I'll always be proud of you.

I always knew it was Brian.

I knew it was never me.

And all the listeners knew it was Brian, too.

That's why I didn't give a fuck when you said it.

It's always been Brian.

So then when you go to the the party, you can be like, that's not the best thing.

From the fucking moment you met each other, that is what you've been fucking with.

You've got that knees in front of a stump.

That's a good one, please.

Oh, man.

How do you clean that up?

They have a breast cleaner.

Why do you think the owner of it at the shop didn't clean it up?

I think that patina is.

He's like, I just knocked off $800 for this.

Now I got to clean it up.

But why did they put it on display without being being cleaned up, though?

This shit sells itself, man.

I think it also, like, it's, it makes it seem like it's older, right?

Right.

Now, Brian, to all honesty.

Right.

How long does that piece stay there if Q doesn't buy it?

How long do you think?

Maybe forever.

Maybe forever.

It's possible.

I mean, they had a lot of stuff.

Look, not everyone is as forward-thinking as guys like me and you.

Thank you.

Got a bunch of Bible thumpers going in there.

Walt was trying to shut the place down.

I heard about Bourbon Street.

I know it's just crazy, though.

We went in one day.

We went back the next day, sending out leaflets.

I mean, I'll always have the story.

Right.

You know, I'll always look at that and think of the three of us and Mike and Ming walking over.

Well, Mike.

You guys, let's just change topics for a second.

Excited about Pet Cemetery?

I think you mentioned this last time you were here.

I can't fucking wait.

You are excited.

I am as excited for this as I am about Avengers Endgame.

I can't wait.

That's bizarre.

I can't wait.

Why?

Because I love it.

It's my favorite Stephen King book and one of the things.

I thought the shootist was.

No, Dark Tower.

But this is, aside from that, this is my favorite.

Do they still call them shootists?

Professionally, they're shootists, right?

Yeah.

Aside from Dark Tower, the Dark Tower series, but this Pet Cemetery is like, I love the book.

And I love the first movie.

That trailer looks like it's intense.

It's crazy, man.

I'm excited.

How could you be more excited for Pet Cemetery than The Avengers?

Let me tell you.

How?

How?

I just don't understand that.

I can see Brian.

Brian, I understand, but not you.

I mean, you're comics.

I'm excited about Avengers.

I'm not excited, but something about Pet Cemetery has always fucking done it for me.

What about Godzilla, King of Monsters?

Cat

trailer is crazy.

Oh, my God.

It makes me fucking horny.

Oh, yeah.

For monsters.

I want to go out in the woods, sit in the stump.

Like King Geez.

Keep Mothrow out.

Plus

three heads at once.

Perform on Mothra.

Make those wings flutter.

Make the fucking silk spin out of his fucking tendrils

all over my face.

Those two fucking little girls in the clam on you.

Singing.

Performing a little mini opera.

Two little mings.

Oh, that movie's going to be awesome.

That movie's going to be awesome, man.

Yeah, it is.

So you're not excited about Pet Cemetery at all?

I'm not a Stephen King fan.

I am not like some, I mean, I appreciate the guy's work.

I've read a few books, but I've never been a guy who's been all.

See, I'm not a Stephen King movie fan at all.

Yeah.

So as long as he doesn't have much to do with it.

Yeah.

Oh, well, we watched the original Pet Cemetery.

Original.

We watched it like he had to do with that.

He didn't write it.

He wrote the script.

He wrote the script for that?

He wrote the script for that.

That actually was not that bad.

I love the original Pet Cemetery, man.

That movie disturbed me as a child.

I'm hoping that.

What about Shazam?

I'm excited about Shazam.

What?

That trailer looks like shit.

Well, no, it does.

It's big, bro.

It does.

What are you talking about?

It's like so much.

I know this fucking company, man.

He's got to kiss Shazam's balls off.

I don't know.

He used to work for Warner Brothers.

I saw Shazam somewhere in public.

That's like

conspiracy theories.

What?

Didn't you meet somebody from Wonder Woman?

We did a commercial for Shazam.

Oh, he doesn't mean that all.

I was defending you.

See?

That's right.

No, but I wouldn't sit here and be like, I'm looking forward to it if I wasn't looking forward to it.

When I was out in San Diego.

I've never lied about a movie.

But we were out in San San Diego.

Remember, I told you we were at that dinner, and we were over all the ants.

There was a meetup, and everybody got kicked out.

The Shazam crew in San Diego.

The Shazam production.

No, you weren't there.

It was the story I told you.

A Shazam production.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They came and kicked everybody out there.

They got to go and pay your bills.

Even though, like, we're only halfway done with dinner.

That's why I refused to see Shazam.

Oh, I understand that.

That plus.

Some pride that got hurt.

Yeah, I'm a very proud person.

I understand that.

I mean, he's very nice.

We shot a commercial with him.

He was great.

I've heard it's gotten some good reviews.

Yeah, people are saying that.

You don't like the concept of big meet Superman?

No, I'm just fucking around because

they shit on us at the restaurant.

I don't know if I...

Is that the one with the kid, the crippled kid who had a line in the trailer, right?

Isn't there a crippled kid in the trailer?

They're in a convenience store.

Non-plature.

Is crippled no good?

Crippled no good?

They didn't build the railroads, dude.

Oh, crippled is not a word you can use anymore.

You can use it every word you want.

I don't think that's going to get you thrown out with pitchforks, but I think people are going to be like, come on, man.

Really?

What's the word?

Disabled is a better word.

I didn't think crippled was it.

What about that song?

Crippled Creek.

Drag it.

You're lame.

Remember that song from the 60s?

Yeah, I don't.

Up on Crippled Creek?

What are we talking about?

I don't think it's.

Oh, it wasn't.

Do you want somebody a cripple anymore?

I don't think it's about a cripple.

Can you be like that cripple over there?

It's literally about a creek, dude.

What?

You thought Crippled Creek was about, I guess, a stream of cripples.

I thought it was Crippled Creep.

No, Crippled Creek.

No, Crippled Creep is what we used to call Hearts Grove.

Remember, he would go, it would be like, we had a friend with CP.

But it was based on that song, though, right?

Oh, I don't know.

I just remember it was a good thing.

And all it was.

And he would like freak out and shit.

I thought there was an old 60s folk song called The Crippled Creep.

I don't know.

I mean, unless I really got the words.

By the guy who wrote, she wrote me a letter.

Said, why don't the fuck up?

It's not even it's crippled creek it's not even a d at the end of it

crippled creek right cripple cripple creek oh it's not oh it's not has nothing to do with being disabled no it's a it's cripple it's a city in colorado oh okay all right you know what i gotta listen to the words better then or at all

i've been singing along for how long now oh come on you've never been guilty of that cue singing for a long time for decades and then you realize it's not the words and you're shocked constantly that happens and then it makes you feel like

you're smarter all of a sudden when you figure out that you've been singing the words the wrong thing.

Yeah, such a good way to look at it because I'd be like, I'm so fucking stupid for all those years thinking it was this.

Now I'm smarter.

I'm more knowledgeable, smarter.

It's a half-glass empty effect.

Positivity.

I guess so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not something I would go around bragging to people.

Like, guess how much smarter I am?

I just fucking figured out it's crippled, not crippled.

Like, what do you mean?

Like, I don't know what the time.

Who sings the song, dude?

It's like Creed's Clip.

No, the band.

The band.

The band.

Oh, yes.

I'm sure no one is familiar with what we're talking about.

Hey, you know what movie I do want to see, though, based solely on the trailer, is the Joker movie.

Oh, it looks sick.

Troy sent it to me.

And I normally don't give a shit about comic book movies, obviously, but I'm like, that looks pretty cool.

It's darker.

Though it does make you feel like, is he going to be a sympathetic character?

He keeps getting bullied?

Well, I'm sure that a lot of bad people,

when they're adults, if you tra trace back their the reason they became bad people, it's because they had some pretty horrible upbringing.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, every serial killer ever, pretty much.

I bet you not everyone.

Not everyone.

No, of course not.

A lot of mothers responsible for those serial killers.

Stephen King,

writer of the novel, Matt Greenberg, wrote this story.

And it has two directors.

That's always a little like,

get you a little nervous.

What else has this guy written?

Let's see.

He wrote 1408.

He wrote some Masters of Horror.

He's written a lot of horror shit.

H2O, Prophecy 2.

He wrote H2O.

Back in the 90s, though.

It's the one with

Prophecy with Christopher Walk.

I was thinking about the

Mutant Bear.

The Bear Man.

Not the Bear Man, but

yeah, so

Pet Cemetery Joker looks pretty cool.

You said the discourse says he, what does he have to do with Joker?

He produced it, or executive produced it.

He produced it.

in 2019.

I have 10 tickets to go see Pet Cemetery tomorrow.

I'm taking my crew from Practical Joker.

Get the fuck out of here, really?

Oh, it comes out tomorrow, huh?

Oh, Todd Phillips wrote and directed it.

All right.

The entire crew you're taking out.

Well, I bought 10 tickets knowing I'm going to go to Set tomorrow and be like, I got 10 tickets.

Anybody want to come?

If other people want to come, then I'll just buy it.

I'm going to choose that.

Oh, okay.

You're not going to just.

It's not like some sort of raffle or anything.

No, whoever wants to come, I'll pay for the ticket.

Whoever wins.

ticket, whoever loses it.

So what does the director do?

Like when he's like, well, guys, I've got to shoot.

No, well, obviously when the shoot's over.

Oh, okay.

I'm Brian Quinn,

director.

Because how do you, but if you have tickets for the movie at a certain time,

you're really making the schedule.

They get me for like four hours a day.

That's it.

I'm done.

How about

going back to the statue?

We always need ideas for Patreon shirts.

Boom.

Statue.

Oh, that would never sell.

No.

You don't have to.

You already bought it.

Nobody can wear that.

You're making the shirt.

I would wear it.

Nobody can wear that.

Where can you wear that in public?

Anywhere you want.

No way.

You guys understand fucking commerce?

So wait.

Oh, yeah.

Porn is such a fucking failing dish.

Yeah, but nobody fucking wears it on their fucking forehead, though.

They don't have to.

Do you wear t-shirts on your forehead?

I mean, but that's putting like a billboard sign on there of two.

That I like pussy?

Yeah, good.

What the fuck did that mean?

Yeah, good.

I want people to know he loves pussy, man.

This is Brian and Brian.

Yeah.

Brian and Brian sitting on a loft.

They're like, wait, wait.

You guys cannot be in charge of fucking green lighting shirts if you're going to be fucking green lighting something that ridiculous and expect people to buy it.

What about what about you?

We'll just write true love under it.

Oh, in a heart.

We do it in a heart.

I'm making that church for me and you.

What if we pixel it out, though?

The entire thing's pixelated.

Then they could wear it.

Redacted.

Oh, man.

I mean,

it wouldn't be appropriate to wear it in public for the most part.

However,

you know, depending on who's wearing it, is who catches shit for it, right?

Like, I walk into a chain restaurant, I go in the Chili's or whatever, and I'm wearing that shirt, somebody might say something.

But if a female walks in wearing that, you can't say shit.

Because they're going to because I'm not going to be able to do that.

They might ask her to leave.

And she's like, what?

Like, is that the cell phone camera?

You know, if I'm at Friendlies, I don't really want to see that.

I don't think that's an appropriate attire for Friendlies.

Who are you with?

My family.

Okay.

You're not by yourself?

By the Friendlies?

I would go to Friendlies by myself, but I haven't has it yet.

I haven't had the pleasure yet.

But

I wouldn't make a scene.

I would just go up to the manager.

I'd be like, can you ask that lady to leave with that shirt?

Why?

And why are we whispering?

Because I don't want her to know

that I'm asking her to leave.

I want you to be the bad guy.

Just one.

I don't want to be the jerk.

I want you to be a jerk.

But you understand, even by suggesting it, you already are the jerk.

Why don't you just go all out?

I like it.

Personally, I think it's pretty hot.

You don't.

Look, I said this to my friends.

That's not love.

That's not real love.

What they're doing.

They're forced to do that.

They think they're in love.

First of all, they're hookers.

So, how can they even know what love feels like?

Not in any real way.

Thank you.

I'm just going to go back to my table now.

Whatever you do, don't tell her to take it off because then they'll see the real thing.

And there's nothing dirtier than press, right?

So

we got a problem here.

We're in a pickle, bro.

We're going to have to close the front.

I would pay to see that conversation just to watch his face.

Wow.

All right.

So it's not a big hit for you, Walt.

It's not a big hit for me, but that doesn't matter.

All that matters is if it's a big hit for you.

And it is.

It is a big hit for you.

And it better be a big hit for anyone who visits your house and sees it.

Otherwise, they ain't coming back.

Get the fuck out of my house.

Get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out.

How much of a bummer is it if somebody does say something?

If someone goes like, wow, that's that's a really weird choice of decor.

I accept that as an as a as an enjoyable outcome.

And you're and they're just like,

Who's going to shame him?

He doesn't give a fuck.

Well, I mean,

so you wouldn't, you wouldn't hold it against someone for being honest and being like that.

I mean, that's not going to hold it against someone in the most.

No, no, no, just anybody who comes over.

Like, are you going to like.

The guest in my house comes in and starts getting disgusted at the contents of my house.

I'm just making some comments.

We got to quit this

Way to class up the joint queue.

Something like that.

Passive aggressors.

And they say something like that.

Do you hold it against them or are you?

You do.

So you're that type of person?

Well, it depends on the friend and how they say it.

They say it.

All right, look, if it's one of my guys, like one of the firehouse guys that come in the bust of my balls, I love it.

I accept it.

If, say, my friend comes over and his spouse is with him or her spouse is with him and they drop it and I barely know this person, are they not getting an invite back?

Fuck you.

What if it's like somebody, somebody, a hired worker at your house, like he's like doing wallpaper?

Why can't people be honest with you, though?

I'm not even kidding.

I'm fire.

They can be honest.

Why can't people be honest though without you holding against them, against their

ability to be honest, but that doesn't mean that they can't, there's no consequences for honesty.

Yeah, but I mean, to say.

He's a wallpaper guy that's giving me shit.

He doesn't like it.

Fuck off.

He shouldn't have to work in that kind of environment.

Then don't.

He doesn't have to.

He's offended.

He doesn't have to work here.

What if it's

a home decorator?

You call her in, and she feels that's

threatening.

Well, then we're not, then we're not a good match.

So I have to find a different decorator.

Okay.

But you don't hold it against her.

No, no.

I don't expect it to be everybody's.

First off.

He's got that in there.

You're not even considering a female decorator.

You're going to get a gay guy to come in and decorate that place to the fucking nines because he's going to see that and he's going to fucking get it.

Yeah, he's like, I guess.

He's like, fuck him straight all of a sudden.

This could be the cure.

Who knows?

Oh, yeah.

i don't think so

i think that's got a revolving door there turning keys that's the cure that's the cure for being classy that's the only cure it is

i i thought i read i thought i read somewhere that jersey's trying to walk back the law on conversion therapy i was like what fucking world am i living in what do you mean the there was like a anti like you know religious people trying to do the gay conversion shit um new jersey had a law against it right

and i think there's some religiosos.

I thought I read this not too long ago.

And they're trying to get out of their legs.

Hey, yeah.

Yeah.

This was February 21st, 2019.

A religious group wants the Supreme Court to overturn New Jersey's ban on gay conversion therapy.

Licensed therapists have been prohibited since 2013

from engaging in conversion therapy in an attempt to change a child's gender identity or their sexual orientation from gay to straight.

They passed a fucking rule, blah, blah, blah.

And then

a ruling in June struck down portions of a California law that required pregnancy.

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

I think basically they're trying to sue

saying that the state has no right to step in with private therapy.

But it's for kids.

And that's a good point.

That is a good point.

That's a good point.

But you're talking about wacko fuckheads who are like, my son's gay.

I'm now going to fucking try to convert him instead of just being like, who gives a shit?

Maybe someday they'll make a statue of him blowing some dude on a tree stump.

And then it'll be artsy.

Yeah.

Classy.

That's a sticky wicket because I do agree that the government should.

I don't, I don't, I feel the government should have so little say in things.

Almost none.

Yeah, almost none.

I'm flying everything up so far.

Why the fuck do we keep going?

I have no clue.

I don't know.

The government is made of people, and people are assholes.

So it's like you want to give assholes the ability to fucking tell you how to fucking do things.

For the most part.

But of course, I do agree with things like, you know, fucking hate laws and stuff like that.

So I don't know.

Listen to this shit.

In 2015, a jury found a nonprofit group that provides gay to straight conversion therapy was guilty of consumer fraud for promising clients they could overcome their sexual urges by undressing in front of other men and pummeling an effigy of their mothers.

What?

I guess you're like, you take off all your clothes in front of other guys and then you beat the shit out of a

you know stuffed doll that kind of looks like your mom scarecrow or something and then suddenly you're like i guess i don't want to suck dicks anymore that seems to i mean i guess that's why they got busted i don't understand the the the correlation well i guess uh well that's what they blame it on their moms being gay like

that's what they were found guilty of uh yeah but i guess i well i think it's because like i guess maybe they're saying like their mother like they overmothered them or something Well, I think a lot of things do come back to

how fucked up your mother.

How motherfuckers are.

Yeah, no shit, Sherila.

Fucking Pam.

Why a fringe group is held bent.

Yeah, I mean,

I mean, this definitely, though, flies in the face of everything else, right?

Like, all the inclusion shit.

You can't say this, and you can't say that, and you can't do this, and you can't do that.

And then it's like, but,

like, how is it that you can

give a kid fucking hormones and then at the same time

also try to

like send him someplace to not be gay.

It makes no sense any of this shit.

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

It makes no sense, but I've given up on the world making sense.

I don't even care anymore.

So I haven't cared for years.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing you can do.

There's nothing I can do.

There's nothing I want to do.

I want the world to be what people want it to be.

That's it.

Do it.

Do whatever you want.

Just fucking do it.

Just do it.

Has anyone used that yet?

Maybe we could use it.

Just do it.

Yeah.

I think there was a sneaker company.

I think it was Puma that said that.

Or British Knights.

British Knights.

Oh, that's a fucking callback.

BK's.

Hobalt's desperate.

They're like,

I'm waiting for it.

I'm waiting for like that.

I'm waiting for a

scintillating moment.

Waiting for that button?

Yeah, waiting for that button.

Episode has to end on a scintillating moment.

Let's just end it.

Wrap it up.

Just end it.

It just ends it like that.

You don't want to end it on a high note?

You don't want to end it on

going out on something brilliant?

Every second I'm with you, too, is a high note for me.

Oh,

tell them, Steve, Dave.

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