#396: Fitbit Follies

I'm supposed to walk away from fucking 40 bucks because this stupid fuck can't do her own job.

Just give 555.

Yeah, I'm the crazy one for not wanting to give a corporation all my information.

I'm the asshole

What that fucking couldn't wait you're in the middle of Christmas dinner.

I'm gonna go drunk jump on the fucking treadmill in 20 minutes

Shut the fuck up

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of tell him steve dave Walt texting already.

No, I'm not.

First show of 2019.

2019.

New Year's resolutions, Walt?

Do you make any?

I didn't make any, I'll be honest.

I'm perfect.

Not because you're not like me where it's like, I'm just going to break them.

It doesn't matter if I make them or not.

Q?

No, I actually forgot New Year's Eve resolutions were a thing until you just mentioned it.

I made one.

What'd you make?

Also, though, Father Lance is here.

Hello.

Chuck is here.

Hello.

And get him.

Out of y'all.

It's a big, full house again.

Two weeks in a row.

Two episodes in a row.

Big house.

It's the way we do it now.

It's a fucking free-for-all.

It's a party atmosphere.

Yeah.

I did make one, but I think I'm biologically not able to keep it.

And that was to not explode at things that are like small.

Really?

I'm glad that you made that resolution

Can you hear me?

Yeah, no, I can't

I'm glad you made that resolution though because

That's awesome.

I'm gonna help you try to keep that.

What can I do to help you keep that go back in time to earlier today

I blew up on a makeup girl at Ulta

But she deserved it and I'll tell you why I have no doubt she deserved it, but what what did she do?

What did the shrew do to deserve?

I'm trying to buy a gift card, right?

A man twice her size.

Only three times her age.

Well, if you saw her,

three times her age, yes.

I'm trying to buy a gift card.

And

I go to the counter and I say, hey, I want to buy a $50 gift card.

So she starts to ring it up, but she goes, what's your phone number?

I said, I don't have a number with you guys.

And she goes, well, I need a number.

Which they don't.

They definitely do not.

And I said, I don't want to give you my number.

And Mary Beth was with me.

Why don't you just give a fake number?

867-559.

So far, I agree with you.

I don't.

I always say no.

I'll tell you in a second.

So she turns to Mary Beth and she goes, what's your number?

And in that moment, I go, what?

I said, don't talk to her.

I said, you're talking to me.

I'm the one buying this gift card and you're not getting a number.

She went over your head.

She basically went over your head.

She tried to.

Yeah.

Yeah, she attempted to.

And she goes, well,

the only reason we need the number is so that in case you lose the gift card.

I said, no, it's not.

I said, that's what the receipt is for.

I said, so you're not getting a number.

Please just ring it up.

But by this time, I was like, oh,

I just, it's, I don't know, it just gets away from me.

I don't know how it does, especially over something like this.

And in another day, it may not.

But today, I'm like, fuck.

So you made your resolution.

Why would you not try harder?

Like I said, it's a mental thing.

I'm in it before I even know it.

Is it a case of more, like maybe more meds would do the trick?

Yeah.

Or any.

Why haven't you gone to therapy?

What is your deal?

I got new insurance.

Yeah.

So it took like two months for it to fucking kick in or whatever.

It was like because it ended in October.

So

October.

You know how time flies.

I should.

I probably would be better off.

I used to have a theory about you when you were with Suzanne.

i was like he like he's an asshole he will never go to therapy because he doesn't want to be told what he already knows right i could get that for free from q

i was like he doesn't want he doesn't want a professional sitting down to being like dude these actions you're doing are are bizarre so you just avoided it right now you appear to be making largely healthy choices for the most part this is like one of those last sort of things that because in the midst of it i realized i was overreacting and i said you know what I said, I know it's not your policy.

And then she was like condescending to me.

So I just fucking turned around again.

And I was like, just ring up the goddamn card.

And so she rang it up and she's like, thanks, have a nice day.

And looks over at like this lady who's behind me.

And I go, yeah, I'm the crazy one for not wanting to give a corporation all my information.

I'm the asshole.

And Mary Beth is like, come on, come on.

And so we left, but I'm like, fuck you, bitch.

And fuck your stupid company.

I like, remember, we we came from a time where like you gave somebody cash and they gave you whatever the fuck it is you wanted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Father Lance, if someone came to you with this problem, what would your,

what would your

confession?

I mean, maybe he needs to tone it down a bit, but I agree with him.

It's annoying these cashiers who bug you for stuff.

You know, it's just to data mine you.

That's easy.

Yeah.

555.

But I mean,

I do agree with Brian.

Like, he should be able to say, no, I don't want to give him my number and that be that instead of being but if he knows it's going to cause a number.

I wonder how

it's going to be.

But he knows it's going to.

Do you know they're not going to take no?

I got to be honest.

I've never given my information.

I always say no, I don't do that.

I was like, no, or even say something like, I don't have email.

Like, bullshit.

But you also, you know, if they say, if they're not going to blow up at all, but it's never gone past that.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, I've never had anybody be like, well, I can't.

Yeah, why would they do it to him, though?

She thinks I'm like he's fucking cutting.

It's like he's

anyway, though.

Yeah, who's like, why is she arguing with it?

Why are you the fucking do?

Because it makes no sense.

It's like, you know, you're not a repeat customer.

Right.

Never seen you before.

I mean, I'm not saying that about it because it's an Alta store.

Yeah, it's

not likely going to be going in there on a regular basis.

Just like, you know, get them in and out of the store.

Yeah, as quickly as possible.

We should both want the same thing.

I went to PetSmart not too long ago.

What's that?

For you to go.

Yeah.

I went to PetSmart, same thing.

It's like, there was like this, the goddamn cat eats

this really expensive food now.

It's like $70 a fucking bag.

So I'm like, why?

Because it's a...

You requested this?

Yeah, I'm like, please.

Only the finest fucking cat.

Didn't the cat request it?

No, because of the skin problem.

Princess Mitch has a skin problem, so I had to get her special food.

This cat.

So I get to the counter.

I got two bags of it because it was marked down like $20 each.

But when she rings it up, it's full price.

And I said,

this should be X amount of dollars.

And I can see in her face, she's like flummock.

She doesn't know what to say.

And she goes, Well, what's your number?

I said, I don't want to give you my number.

I said, I don't have a number with you guys.

And she goes, well, the only way you can get the sale is if you have the number.

I didn't flip out this time.

I go, that is not true.

I said, you don't know how to do it.

I said, get your manager and do it.

And then she goes and gets her fucking manager.

And the manager's like, oh, yeah, this is what you have to do.

I'm supposed to walk away from fucking 40 bucks because this stupid fuck can't do her own job.

Just give 555.

No,

that wouldn't even come up as a real number.

They don't know that.

They got to put it in.

They're not going to tell you that's not a real number.

But if they put it, isn't it tied to an account or something?

Well, that's why an old trick is a lot of people register with 8675309.

So you just put in whatever area code you're at in 86753099.

What a mirthful time that must have been.

Fucking stupid shit.

We avoid conflict, then me and get them that way.

Yeah, I guess you do.

That's what it's about, avoiding conflict.

That's what our lives should be at this point at this point.

These young kids don't know what the number is.

It should.

That's true.

Yeah, you're right.

You don't care what the number is.

You don't care about the number problem, though, or avoiding conflict.

You care about the principle.

First of all,

that's more important to you than avoiding conflict.

I don't care about the principle.

You care about the conflict.

But I'm just

collecting conflicts

because I just don't get it.

I'm like, who are you to fucking tell me this?

Do you want my fucking money or not?

If yes, then fucking step off the fucking number side.

She also wants the phone number, too.

Right, well, you you can only have one.

If I'm your customer, you can have one.

The phone number is probably more valuable than

the money at this point.

They're going to fucking turn around and sell it on you.

Oh, yeah.

Do you have somebody you don't like?

I have lots of people I don't like.

Do you have somebody you don't like that you have a phone number of?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Do you have that phone number?

Hey, that's not too bad.

Then she feels like she won.

And then suddenly I know she's getting all these phone calls.

So why not?

What do you want to get?

It's madness, man.

These people that are just like, hey, these are the rules.

These are the rules we've decided to implement.

And here's the new fucking value code.

And everybody better fucking follow them, whether it's social or a fucking corporation telling you to give you their fucking, your personal information or an email address or any number of things.

Those are the rules of the store.

Fuck you.

Don't shout there if you don't follow them.

They weren't the rules, though.

Turns out they weren't the rules.

Now, I know you may agree with him about the corporate asking for the phone number, but as far as his

mental being.

Yeah, how could he deal with how would you counsel me?

Yes.

Yeah, you need to take a step back.

Go on.

And not to swing.

And not to wind up a sling.

Please do not get mad.

He's like, I've got a one-point program.

And then a car had just driven by with a bumper sticker.

Take a step back, yo.

Take a a breath.

That's what's easy.

Especially with my line of work.

I mean, you got to be like.

Because all the welfare people stink?

Wow, they're the demons people to deal with.

All the demon people.

Oh, I don't really know.

All the possessed people?

No, no, I was referring to my welfare clients.

How is the

exorcist

side of the business going?

I know you said you're going to some

to some, but weren't you going to some seminars and stuff when the last time I you talked to me about it?

Weren't you signed up or did you have um they were supposed to offer a course at the seminary I don't know if they got enough people to offer it

trouble filling that class yeah we heard that article what was it from Ireland where the priest call came out and says that you know possessions are going through the roof yeah well I mean the trouble now is really to take the the courses you have to go to Rome and do them in Rome oh yeah

that's a hard shift you can't go to Rome no how long would the course be it's like three months in the summer you like basically go all summer June July August three months in the summer in Rome that's it's insane

i don't have that much vacation you can't take that time off yeah well does it account as like work like work study or like is it really vacation time or is it well the state doesn't you know oh

they don't care what i'm doing on my free time

but like taking a step back is there anything else that you could recommend for him to like

to maybe like help

because you know my blood you know my blood pressure was going nuts and then i was going home and i'm all like you know i just i decided i had to stop you know just stop getting getting, just take a step back.

Just take a step back.

Well, my brother, when the last time I was in LA, I went out with my brother and he was like, hey, you know what?

I was thinking about

your, your thing, your shit.

And

he's like, I'm pretty sure you have what's called intermittent explosive disorder.

And I looked it up and I was like, yeah, this kind of sounds like it.

So now you're a victim.

Hey,

I'm sick.

Yeah.

All right.

Is there like

an app for this?

Like, you know, like you, when your blood pressure starts going up, your watch will tell your phone to like send you an alert, maybe.

Don't punch a hole in the wall for no reason.

Or step back.

Like when Bruce Banner felt it coming on.

I do appreciate the advice.

It's eerily similar to the advice my 12-year-old kid with Down syndrome.

Whenever she thinks I'm going to freak out, she's like, dada.

She's like, take a breath.

Take a breath.

She goes, you're a conboy.

She gets real zen and shit, you know.

Does it work 100% of the time when she does that?

Not all the time.

But if she says it, then I like,

there is something that I'm like, okay, I'm acting this way in front of her, and I don't want to do that.

Do you wait?

Because you said your brother said it was that thing, and then you looked it up, but what's the treatment for that?

Medication.

What medication?

Yeah.

Oh, what medication?

Mood stabilizers, that kind of thing.

Don't you need insurance for those?

Insurance?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have insurance.

I just got it.

I believe, though, that

the kids, you know, if you, if you find relaxation and doing stuff with your kid, I think that helps.

The other night I was really upset about something, something stupid.

Oh, was it kidding?

Yeah, probably, most likely.

I don't want to get into it, but

I went home and my youngest

wanted to go out and get something to eat.

And then I I was mentioning that I wanted to see the Spider-Verse.

And she said, oh, I'll go.

So, you know, and I was really feeling just like shitty, but I said, all right,'cause she never ever goes to the movies and she didn't and it was the first time in a long time we went to the movies, but we went to the movies, totally forgot what I was mad about.

I was watching it.

Yeah, that's cool.

What were you doing in the movie?

I liked it.

Yeah, I liked it.

I thought there were some really fun moments.

I mean, the middle-aged Peter Parker's is the one that's yeah.

I thought the Spider-Noir was really good, too.

Spider-Ham.

I mean, it was, it's, it's definitely a lot of fun.

It's gonna stay for after the credits.

Yeah, that was awesome, man.

67 Spider-Man.

67, yeah.

That's awesome.

But I saw you never gone to like a therapist or a psychoanalyst?

No, that sort of thing.

Okay.

For years.

It doesn't help.

It did at the time.

The medication helped.

Should they change that?

Is it in 2019?

Shouldn't they change the name of that psychoanalyst?

It just sounds horrible.

Like, nobody wants to say a psychoanalyst.

Psychopath.

Psychiatrist.

Like, shouldn't they make that a softer, gentler word?

What can you do about that?

Counselor?

Well, yeah, I mean, there's

counselors, therapists, but they're like different grades.

Like a psychoanalyst is like

that.

It's a higher grade.

That sounds more like he needs the top.

Do you still listen on a regular basis?

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you think?

In my presentation,

my pastor actually is a psychoanalyst as well.

So, he sees people on the couch.

And I'm sure he would tell Brian that it's not about

the cashier, it's about all his childhood rage he has bottled up that he needs to be.

Not my fault, right?

All those times Pam and Edgar made you give phone numbers out.

Be a good boy, follow the rules.

You know, because your relationship with your mom and dad,

you know,

come up episode after episode.

Mommy, can I get a hug?

What's your phone number?

Is everything

go right back to probably stuff you need to work through yet, I would think.

Have your therapist, your analyst told you this?

What's that?

Have your therapists told you this, that you got all this unresolved childhood stuff?

I think that's everyone, though.

That's the source of everyone's problems, is unresolved childhood shit for the most part.

Yeah, I think part of it's going to be dealing with what you got, right?

Like, if that's what you're leaning towards, you got to figure out a way to deal with those feelings who do you reserve

of who pam or edgar yeah uh lately pam if you want to hear the christmas story yeah oh

there's a christmas story oh sure a record amount of time that i was like i'm out of here really yeah i didn't think it was going to go that way because the first hour was pleasant yeah

i'm i'm i'm maybe we haven't we had this before I think it was like a holiday dinner as well.

Several, yeah.

Well, Thanksgiving went well.

I got super excited because I spent Christmas alone.

it's just me and the cats right so when he texted that he was out of there i was like fucking awesome you can come here we'll have christmas together and uh and by then he was already too drunk he said i went home i just drank really

that's the that's the new way of dealing with things

that was that day but no i don't know i don't know that's not a good way to handle things i don't think he's a problem with it

i'll take dr giddham's advice

i do incredible i do not think yeah drowning the problems in alcohol are the way to go here.

That day it was.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Did it really do anything though?

Did it really resolve anything?

No, of course it didn't.

We could have had an awesome temporarily.

We could have had the superest Christmas ever.

We could have.

Next year.

I'm sure it'll happen again.

This time I won't tie one on.

I am

by rule alone every Christmas.

It kind of seemed that way, yeah.

Yeah, I am.

I am alone because I go to my family for Christmas Eve and then I have to go home for the cats to feed the cats on Christmas.

And for anyone that's like, oh,

this cocksucker loved it.

You should see the text I got from me.

It's pretty awesome.

Oh, I'm not complaining.

It's pretty good, man.

New Year's Eve, too.

I fucking didn't even know midnight came.

I was playing Red Dead Reds Engine 2.

I looked over to the left and I saw my phone said 12.09.

I was like, oh, I turn to my cat.

I go, Happy New Year.

I just kept playing until 3 in the morning.

It's fucking great.

Not defensive at all.

I'm with it.

It's healthy.

It's a healthy tip.

So, what happened at Pam's?

So, we were

hanging around and

we just start to eat.

What's the dinner menu?

It was like a bunch of like carved ham and turkey and roast beef and that kind of stuff.

Traditional

Christmas dinner.

So we're eating and people are talking and out of nowhere, Pam turns to me and says, Brian, when you talk to Susie, can you ask her what the password for my Fitbit

account is?

Susie being your old girlfriend?

Yeah.

And your new girlfriend is there?

Yeah.

Mary Beth being my new girlfriend, who's fucking 12 inches away from me right here.

And I said,

all right,

talk about that later.

First, the assumption being like,

first of all, assumption, yeah, I was nicer to

slightly nicer to her than the ultimate girl

that I still talk to her and that this is a conversation that I would have her.

She would fucking remember from over a year ago.

Oh, the password to her Fitbit account.

Yeah, right here.

So I said, talk about it later.

She's like, but she's the only one.

I need it.

I said, later.

I said, I'll talk about it later.

And then she's like,

she's like, but I need it.

And

I said, bye.

I said, bye.

And I got up and everybody is quiet because they realize how awkward it is and how like weird it is.

And then she's like, are you coming back?

I said, I'm knowing I wasn't coming back.

I said, well, I said, I'm going for a ride at least.

I don't know.

And then I didn't go back and she texted.

And of course, she's like, she's like, I miss you.

It's like, no, no, you don't get to act like that.

And then I have to sit like, it wasn't very funny.

And was it just a faux pas or do you think it was more something more to it?

Three faux pas in a row.

No,

do you think she does not like the new girl?

No, she likes her.

Oh, okay.

No, she likes her.

She's just that fucking dopey.

That she should, she should know not to bring that up in front of her.

That fucking couldn't wait.

You're in the middle of Christmas dinner.

I'm going to go jump on the fucking treadmill in 20 minutes.

But shut the fuck up.

Like, take a cue, you fucking blithering idiot.

It was so annoying.

It's like, you fucked up my whole day.

Now I got to go get Christmas day.

Now I got to go get...

The drunken fucking Walt's going to judge me for that.

Giddam won't, though.

Yeah, no, Giddam won't be on my side.

I was just like, God damn it, man.

But it's like, as they get older,

that's all the answers.

Take a step back.

Well, I mean, actually, I think leaving probably, you know, I'd rather than, because if you stayed and she kept up, what was going to go on?

Yeah, I would have screamed.

Probably worse.

Said some stuff.

So that probably wasn't a bad thing.

Now, when you left, did Sage and Mary Beth go with you or did they stay?

Didn't you?

Sage stayed because I'm not going to ruin her time, Mary Beth.

Now she's.

That would be weird if she stayed.

Well, I didn't know she would stay.

She would be like, thanks.

Best Christmas present ever.

She's like, she hounded me.

I'm telling her, I don't know Suzanne's phone number or your Fitbit password.

Fucking Fitbit.

I guarantee she.

Like, you can't set up a new account.

I'm sure that

she's a password option.

Oh, my fucking God.

Yeah.

But that's, and I'm just like, is this it?

Is this like.

Is this my lot?

Yeah, it really is because it's like, I'm fucking 51.

She's 72, almost 73 or something.

I'm like, this is just it.

This is the way it is.

Yet I can't accept it.

I'm like, fucking moron.

Shut the fuck up.

That's really what I want to say.

It's like,

how do you not get this?

Why are you so dense?

i don't know why you don't make alternate plans for christmas though other than going up to the house then

yeah good use just what's actually going on

i really don't think it's going to staten island next year

i rarely see it working out though it seems it hardly ever does it seems to always go in this direction so maybe next year you you know you

you remove yourself from the situation

step back or have it at your house

no because then i'd have to kick them out at least this way way I can just leave.

Otherwise,

just have it at your house.

Oh, not them.

Just

or selected people you invite.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I guess all this trying hasn't really paid off.

Fucking A.

I mean, to take up the mantle, you know, invite people over, provide a meal, maybe a little potluck or something, and you know, start a new tradition.

Be quiet, get them.

I guarantee you spent it alone.

uh what'd you do walt on christmas um what'd you do on christmas eve that's what i'm most curious about christmas eve i didn't oh i uh didn't do anything special in the daytime i just stopped at the stash and gave some presents to um

jeff i gave him a gift card to um

where i gave him a gift card to amazon

no i think it was just a visa gift card and i gave mike his cane remember that i picked up oh yeah

And then I went home and then

everybody got the car and everybody, even my oldest, who I didn't think was going to do it this year, and we went out and we checked out the lights.

Oh, yeah.

Came home, got to bed early, got up for Christmas.

Then my mom came over and just played some games.

Local lights or the

we went out far.

We just picked a direction and got lost.

Okay.

Yeah.

What games is this play?

We played some games like

it was a sex.

was a Battle of the Sexes game.

So it was the girls versus.

It was Naked Twister.

I don't want to play.

Yeah, so that's always fun when you get...

That's the only way I can motivate my girls is to say that they can't beat the guys, and then that gets them going.

But there's so many more females.

Yeah.

It's like you and Joe, pretty much.

And my sister's husband.

Oh, he was there, too.

Okay.

Yeah, so it was good.

Who won?

I mean, do I need to ask?

The girls won.

They won?

Yeah, but it was with a wink.

Oh, gotcha.

I gotcha.

With a wink.

Good job.

I mean, come on.

I don't want to ruin Christmas like that, like the Johnsons did.

You know how to make it a good evening.

Letting the girls win is the equivalent of me giving my number to the altar girl just.

Whatever's going to make this smoothest.

Yeah,

you would have ended up in a fight.

Q, we know what you did.

You sat around alone.

Yeah.

Enviable.

Chuck, what did you do?

Did you hire another Santa?

No, I actually have a pretty traditional Christmas.

My family has like a big dinner with me and my brother and his wife, my girlfriend Gina, my other brother.

Everybody gets together.

We have like a big huge dinner table.

My mom like gets a new big like theme every year and makes a like a big cornucopia kind of thing and a big dinner.

What was the theme this year?

Well it was like blue and gold.

9-11.

Every year it's dedicated to a different tragedy.

And it's really, really fun to work in Christmas.

It's so fun.

Blue and gold.

What does that mean, no?

It was just basically like, you know, after a while when you decorate for Christmas every year and everything is so green and red, she wanted to go, like, oh, let me have an alternate thing.

So she had, like, gold, like reindeers, and like stars and stuff like that.

Which color in red, it was the Park Lynn thing.

Chargers, who colour that?

I mean, the charger's going to be a little bit more.

You wanted to cut that one out?

Blue and gold?

I didn't hear what you said.

I didn't hear it either.

It's not fighting.

I heard it.

It's in my heart.

It's going to live on in my heart.

That's all.

He whispered it.

Even I was ashamed.

What it takes.

David Hogg and he whispering.

Is that part of Brian's brains kicking?

Those David Hogg in his Santa Hat?

Like, I gotta say it, but I don't want people to be like, why would he even think it, let alone say it?

So if I whisper it,

then you get him.

Christmas Eve, I stopped at the Stash as well.

Went and did laundry, and then I went to my father's girlfriend's house up in North Jersey.

Wow, that's a good one.

And that's a long story.

Came home, then went up to my aunts in Hapakong for for Christmas.

Well, what was the theme of dinner?

The theme was get to it before Gidham does.

Actually, no,

for my one family's house, it's they.

Every man for himself was the theme.

They wait for dessert cage.

Everyone is matching sneakers if only one gets out.

Get him and his aunt in a steel cage with a fucking ham in the middle.

That's right, iron cage, steel cage.

No, it's pretty much,

you know, they want to see what cheesecake I cooked for dessert this year.

Yeah, you fucked it up, right?

Yeah, I kind of did, but how did you know?

How'd you know he fucked it up?

That's the first thing he told me on the 26th.

But it was still delicious.

It's kind of been

off to a pretty rough start for Giddam 2019, huh?

Yeah.

We recorded something special before this episode.

He was off his game.

Takes a beat.

Just a little.

Yeah, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a game a little bit in 2019.

Just a little.

Were you nervous?

A little.

I think when I switched to reading over from the piece piece of paper versus his iPad, it smoothed out a little.

I thought there was no way that they were going to keep it in

all his bundles.

I was like, we can't do it to a guy.

If we don't do it, we've got seven minutes of material.

What about you, Father Lance?

How'd you spend Christmas?

Church on Christmas Eve.

And then my second oldest, actually, he moved out this year.

So he wanted to host the gift exchange.

So we went to his new apartment.

When you say church, were you presiding or were you just in the pews?

Sir, yeah.

Oh, it was right.

Yeah.

And then.

And then I vandalized a mosque.

Is that when you see all the weekend warriors come out on Christmas Eve?

Yeah.

You see a lot of guys in the chat.

Those guys are posers.

They're a lot of posers.

Do you judge them?

You got it, right?

What's the crying, though?

What's the first thing that you're doing?

When they start complaining, when they're like, oh, is this too crowded?

You know, when when they start complaining, it's like, you're here once a year.

Shut up.

What do they complain about?

It's too crowded.

Too crowded.

They can't sit where they want to sit.

Is this a signed seating?

How do you respond?

How do you respond to them?

And they come directly to you?

I ignore them.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, I mean, you'll hear, you know, you'll hear the drop later.

That would be pretty,

pretty out there if they were like a went up to the...

His pet answer is whatever.

This is got a few things I want to talk to you about.

If anyone has any complaints before I continue this mask, please say it as well.

Since you know you're playing in front of a packed house

on that mass, does that get you a little bit nervous?

Like I was nervous earlier tonight?

No?

No.

Doesn't phase you?

Do you keep your sermon on an iPad or have you speaking?

My new pastor likes to do all the sermons, so I don't know.

Do you wear a helmet while you're delivering

it?

If you were to make a mistake, do you just blow right through it or do you acknowledge it and start over?

Like during a sermon?

Yeah.

I don't know that I've ever made a massive...

You mispronounce the word.

Right.

Or

Satan instead of God.

Just

back it up.

But yeah, I don't think I've ever.

Yeah, because when I've been in church,

they never make mistakes, ever.

So I've never, like, doing a podcast, we make so many mistakes and stumble and bumble over words, but it's not you guys, man.

It's the Holy Spirit.

When I was young, real young, we went to a Methodist church.

I was probably like six or seven.

And his name was Reverend Applegate, and he was giving his sermon.

And he walked from the pulpit, and he was standing in

pulpit, pulpit, and then like these three stairs in the middle.

And as he's talking, he just suddenly grabbed his heart.

Homeboy had a heart attack, he fell to the ground.

Yeah,

he lived.

No, he lived, but he had a heart attack.

And people are like, We got out of church early, so you know,

one win.

I saw a priest have a stroke on like during church too when I was in seventh grade, and it was like 300 kids.

Was it in the confessional with you?

It was frightening.

Poor Father Lynn.

Low-hanging fruit.

It was a scavenger, I swear, Father.

And he had a stroke?

Oh, so it was like his face went?

Well, he just kind of lost all of his understanding of where he was.

He got super confused and started laughing a lot.

And it was all kids.

It was mostly kids because I went to a Catholic grade school, so it was during school hours.

It was terrifying.

Yeah, it was like, it was 300, like 11-year-olds.

It was grade to six.

So scared.

Grade one to eight.

So, you know, that age range.

And everyone was laughing along with him.

He's not scared.

He's overwhelmed at that buffet.

I mean, not only are they alive, he's an adult and also, to them, an agent of God.

All he's doing is laughing, though.

Oh, he's fucking, he doesn't know where he is.

Yeah, he stopped in the middle of it and he was looking around with wonder.

He started laughing.

I was like, what's wrong with you?

Well, even that's terrifying.

He just starts fucking

the Joker in the middle of the

thing.

He's scary.

He started wandering around like he didn't know what was going on or what he was supposed to be.

And he probably could have shit his pants if he went on long enough.

That would have been terrible.

He might have.

He had one of those big robes.

I don't know.

That sounds crazy.

I don't know if that is that a common effect of that.

Well, according to in the strokes I've had, no.

I didn't shit my pants.

How many have you had?

You've had multiple?

Well,

one big one, but we don't know about any of them.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

I didn't know you did.

Any kind of loss of body control?

Yeah, well, I was on stage when I had it.

I was in Baltimore fucking church.

I was in Baltimore, like that priest.

Oh, my God.

I was in front of like

4,000 people.

We were in Baltimore and

there was 15 minutes left in the show.

And I was looking up at the lights and then my right eye went.

And it was like, you know how you stare at a light and you get those,

it covered my entire right eye except for a little bit on the bottom.

And I got super nauseous.

And I dizzy and dizzy and nausea.

I walked to the side of the stage and there was a garbage pail there.

And I just throw up,

stand up, throw up again, and then I went out on stage, finished the show, and then I went backstage, and I was like, man, I really fucking can't see out of the right eye.

And

I start getting these fucking crazy headaches and everything like that.

But

you finished the show, though.

Finished the show.

Was that due to the meningitis?

Is this something political?

No, it was due to the

encephalitis.

Yep.

On see.

Yeah, so I know the exact moment I had it.

It was crazy.

And it never happened ever again after that?

No.

No.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Did you know what it was?

Did you know it was like a serious thing?

I figured that's what it was.

Yeah, I figured, but it took a lot of testing and shit like that to get to the bottom of it.

But damn it.

Yeah.

I mean, how

even they should have given you like a standing oh that the audience knows.

Did you announce it to the audience?

No, I didn't.

I didn't tell anybody about it.

Come in, could announce my announcement.

I don't feel so good.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you for being a friend.

I had occasion to visit Q over this break, too.

Oh, yeah.

On the winter break.

Yeah.

We watched three movies.

Three movies.

Guys had a movie night.

Yeah, I think.

Ordered in.

What was the selections?

Well, first we watched Golden Girls episodes.

Yeah.

And then three episodes of Golden Palace.

Just to ease into the movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before you got into the movies?

Yeah.

Then we watched a house that Jack built.

It's like this Matt Dylan movie where he's a serial killer.

He's so fucked up.

Was it good?

It's good's not the way I would describe it.

It's too disturbing.

It gets almost like a comedy in how fucking crazy and violent it gets.

Yeah, it's real over-the-top violin, and it just gets like it.

Especially towards the the last 20 to 25 minutes, you're like, it's new, yeah, it just came out.

And he's a serial killer, and he's talking to someone,

and he's going over five kills that he did in his life, but they're fucking brutal, man.

Like, like kids.

Yeah, like,

I know you're thinking it's the best fucking part of the movie, but how do you say that on Mike?

Yeah, it's a spoiler, but like he.

So don't listen for like the next minute.

You don't have to be spoiled.

But before he says anything,

what he's about to say, in your mind, you're going to be like, there's no fucking way that this is entertaining and that these two are laughing about it.

And it is.

You just got to believe.

Take a step back

and just don't judge on first glance of this.

Yeah.

So he,

so Jack, Matt Dylan's character,

has a it's it's him and a woman and two kids.

Seven and ten.

Seven and ten.

And

he's teaching them, I don't, I can't remember exactly how she contracted him, but he's giving the one kid shooting lessons.

On a range.

Yeah, on a range.

It's like a big open space.

No one else is around.

They drove out to this area.

And there's like a couple different like, you know, like targets and shit like that.

And at a certain point, he decides he's going to hunt them.

It's fucking crazy.

But wait, this isn't even the weird part.

Yeah.

So he's up in this like, what do you call it?

Like a crow's nest or watchtower type thing.

And he's got the

sniper rifle and then a kid runs to try to like run to a different area and he pops him and kills a kid in front of the mom.

And then the mom, am I right when I'm saying the mom ran out?

Well, no, then he, the mom ran out, but he let the mom go.

He let the mom go.

Then he shot the other kid.

Shot the other kid in front of her.

And then sets up a picnic and makes the mother feed the kids food during the picnic.

She's still alive.

She's still alive.

Then hunts her down and kills her.

It's fucking insane but wait we've not got the worst part yet i don't even know how to say it it's human centipede level

it is it's it's so bizarre and out there yeah he um and you would have to see the kid to fully appreciate it but he's like well this is my family now basically so he does some light taxidermy and like bends these hangers so he can like give the people expressions these weird joker smile so it's uh it's a the kid who he just shot uh totally stiff, like a ladder.

You could just look at it.

Yeah, with a hanger in his mouth.

So he has this big, huge

joker smile.

And then he's just in the background of every other scene.

And that's all you can look at.

So after a while, you're just like,

it goes beyond like, this is horrifying to like, I mean, they're just fucking with this, right?

Like, like, it's crazy.

And I'm like, I want an action figure of that kid, man.

I'm telling you, is this still theatrical released?

Very limited.

limited i think ellie and you just saw it on netflix no

we rented

what made you like pick that movie actually troy had mentioned it like yeah

troy sent me the trailer he was like check this out did you see it troy no no i don't i can't i don't know that i could recommend the movie to anybody

no i mean i was glad that i saw it at your place as opposed to a theater because like we got up once or twice to it got boy it got a little all the looks you get for the laughter yeah it's long it was just long dude it's so long and then the ending takes a real weird turn i mean could we just spoil the ending i guess so if you're still listening now you deserve it so it turns out like he's talking to uh

he's in hell and he's describing how he got to hell to someone and uh he's walking down the circles of hell and he gets to the bottom and it's the lowest pit of hell and there's a bridge to heaven that's broken and then it's about him trying to get over the bridge so he can go up to heaven and it's just fucking weird you spend the last 20 minutes of the movie in hell yeah like the last the last 20 to 25 minutes you're like david lynch directed this because it's just so out there and that's cool yeah

but nothing prepares you for that up to that point it's it's real it's large ventrier you know it's uh he's very artsy foreign yeah yeah very art so graphic dude like i i don't think most people could stomach could i almost couldn't it was crazy yeah

our stomachs hurt from laughing so hard

we ended up laughing a lot and then uh and then we watched uh crazy rich asians did you see that troy Troy?

No, but I've heard Q loves it.

Yeah.

Yeah, so do I.

People have been tweeting that around.

Yeah.

It's all right, no problem.

Crazy Rich Asians we watched, and we were like,

we're flipping around and

we were like thinking of good movies to watch.

And then we saw that and I was like, you know how much money that movie made?

And we just started talking about it.

It's like, all right, let's watch it.

Let's see what makes that much money.

The sixth biggest grossing romantic comedy in American history.

Wow.

It made something like 270, 280 million bucks.

So we watch it, and it is the most cookie cutter shit.

It's my Big Fat Greek wedding.

Super cookie cutter with bad dialogue, bad acting, bad direction, weird shit, like people texting each other, everything's coming up on the screen and crap.

But just bad, like awful.

It's basically about some girl.

At first, this fucking doesn't even make sense.

Girls dating some guy for a year, and he's like, hey, I want you to meet my parents and they're like everyone else is like oh don't you know who he is you know he's a crazy rich asian

word that's how he's described yeah and uh she's like what do you mean they're like oh he has crazy money so they go to meet the parents and the grandparents and i guess it's an asian thing where like every fucking older asian person is like you ain't so the people have like you're a chinese american you're nothing yeah you're not a real like blackish kind of like with black people you know uh

And you're just like, I don't give a fuck about any of these people.

I don't give a fuck if they, because of course it's like, like, how can you date this person for a year and not know that they're super rich?

Like, but everyone else does.

And he was, he's like a celebrity type rich person, like a Kardashian almost.

I know, just everybody, I'm sure everyone knows.

Then we jerked each other off.

Yeah,

there's more outrage or

offense

at crazy rich Asians than at what New York Avalon was the fucking name of that.

The house that Jack built.

At

House that Jack built accomplished its fucking goals.

Yeah.

And you got to respect that.

Fucking, I mean, I guess you could say the same about crazy merits.

You can't respect

the purpose receipts.

I can't.

No, that I respect that.

I'm just like, yay.

Crazy Rich Asia.

I have a white neighbor.

Here's my audition to.

I love you too, lady.

Come on, La Po visit.

Yeah, make no mistakes.

If they asked me, I would do it.

But the only redeeming part was Ken Jong.

Anything Ken Jong was in.

You wanted Ken Jong to be in the entire movie.

Every second of it, you wanted him to...

You actually wanted him to play every role, like the fucking clumps and shit.

Because you could tell he was the only actor that they were like, don't just stick to the shitty dialogue.

Like, do whatever you want.

And he killed at every scene.

Yeah.

So did, like,

are the, were the other people in the movie known?

Or have they have like a pedigree?

Oh, yeah.

I think Michelle Yeo was the mother.

She's pretty awesome.

I think in Singapore, some of them are, or China, China, some of them are.

But it's fucking weird.

And then every friend, every friend is like, to him, is like, you can't marry her.

She's not good enough for you.

She's a Chinese girl from America.

You're royalty, like shit like that.

And then in the end, like, he's like, he's like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm proposing anyway.

Proposes to her.

And then they have an engagement party.

Everybody's there.

Everyone who is against her.

Every motherfucker that was like, she is not good enough for you.

The mother's there.

Everybody's there with no explanation.

They're suddenly all happy.

And then fireworks go off and the movie ends.

because the crazy rich Asian guy had to be like fuck you grandma like I don't care about tradition I'm so in love and you know what's good love love conquers all yeah for two years and then she's gonna fucking get a divorce and a huge settlement and those guys are gonna be like I told you she shouldn't have married her yeah but he won't care because he's got he's crazy rich Asian he's got tons of money it was it was crazy and then we watched moon Did you see Moon?

Oh, Sam Rockwell?

Yeah, that's a good movie.

He had never even heard of it.

So I didn't tell him what it was about.

I just put it on and let him watch it.

That's a really good movie.

Was it David Bowie's son directed to that, right?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah.

Duncan Jones, yeah.

Oh, wow, cool.

Yeah, I like it.

I knew he would dig it, so I showed it to him.

It's funny because you went up to go home.

Yeah, you were like, I got to go home, and I just hit play, and then you ended up staying for another hour and a half.

I was like, baby, it's cold outside.

Maybe just one more movie.

Say, what's in this movie?

I also went to see The Mule, the Clint Eastwood movie.

Did anyone else see it?

I didn't see it.

No.

It's not like Breaking Bad for Clint Eastwood?

No.

I remember going, being in theaters when the Unforgiven came out, like the trailer came out.

And I remember people laughing because Clint Eastwood was old at that point.

Yeah.

But laughing like, oh, it's over for you, Clint Eastwood.

And then the movie won awards and shit.

Unforgiven is a great movie.

Yeah.

Now is when they should be laughing.

Really?

Because

he's like doddering at this point.

So he like kind of like makes makes fun of it within the movie.

Okay.

Like the way he talks and shit.

Essentially, he's this old guy who needs money, meets up with the friendliest cartel on earth that is going to let him just do whatever he wants to get this increasing number of kilos of heroin or whatever to wherever it needs to go.

It's it hammers you with like social justice shit.

At one point, like the crazy one, really?

Yeah, like it was, it was pretty crazy.

Like, but I mean, on one hand, he's using the word Negroes to like these black people who broke down in their car.

Yeah.

And they were like, hey, we don't see Negroes anymore.

And he's like, okay.

And like, that's the end of the scene.

Well, he learned something.

I mean, not really.

I thought it was based on a true story.

I don't think so.

Was it?

I'm pretty sure.

That doesn't really mean that.

It was not a story worth telling then, man, because it just didn't seem realistic.

What?

You don't think there's mules?

No, I think there are mules, but I don't think that like the mob boss is like, I want to meet our fucking top mule.

He's like, you can't touch him.

He's our top mule.

It's like, what the fuck?

There's no such thing as a top mule, though.

It did give me an idea for a reality show, Mexico's Next Top Mule.

But I think also you have to think about yourself.

Do you think every cartel boss is a cartoon caricature that you see in the movies, though?

I mean, these are still human beings.

I'm going to forward you some links, and you will see what modern-day cartels are like.

They might not be about beheadings.

You went missing for three days.

He made it short of me $10,000, but you know what?

Let's just hug it out.

You can't stay top mule if you're going to take three days off.

That's not going to happen for you.

It's just, there's just no fucking way.

I don't know.

I think that you've probably

got $6 million of heroin.

He disappeared for a week.

And when they found him, they're like,

first his wife was dying and then his...

his daughter, well, his daughter was getting married and then his wife was dying.

So it was like he had to be gone for a week.

And then when they found him, they're like, ooh, mule, like, where were were you?

You would think if you're top Mule, you could ask for like the weekend off or, you know, hey, it's my daughter's wedding.

Well, they killed that guy.

They killed the nice boss.

So then, like,

so then an angrier boss came in, and it wasn't the same situation.

It was not the same situation.

The working relationship went south.

Yeah.

Because he asked for a phone number.

Yeah, south of the border, baby.

I know what you're getting at.

But at the same time, like, I don't know, I didn't understand why they wanted to displace the nice boss.

Everybody was making money.

The shipments were smooth, even though Mule was fucking, you know.

Did he ever tip into the product for a funny, wacky drug scene?

No, fortunately not.

No.

Clinton on heroin.

But it was just at one point, like the

this, it was strange because I think it was like a like a Mexican guy or a Puerto Rican guy or something that gets pulled over by the cops.

And for some reason, the Mule is there.

And the guy's going,

this is going to be the most five dangerous, statistically, this is the most five dangerous minutes of my life.

Don't shoot me.

Like all this like kind of weird cop stuff.

And then he says it again, like, statistically, this is the next, this is the most dangerous five minutes of my life.

And I'm like, oh my God.

I'm like, come on.

Can you turn in any direction without somebody being like, here's what you've been doing wrong all your life.

Sure, you can.

It's true TV's fucking.

I love it.

Yeah, man.

I say it's 10 o'clock Thursday nights.

There's no judging.

There's no politics.

I don't got to hear about Trump.

I don't have to hear about Trump.

Shut your brain all the way down.

Make yourself some popcorn.

My pulse is at like 30.

He's usually it.

Tune in and tune out, right?

You know what?

It's what the world needed for

a couple years.

Straight white guys.

Turns out that is what the world needed for.

Medicine.

A spoon full of sugar.

Funny white American.

Dude, you know how I spent New Year's Eve?

How's that?

Watching Impractical Jokes with my face.

You watch the marathon.

You didn't watch the ball drop?

Nope.

How come?

We have more fun watching jokes?

There you go, buddy.

We'd flip over.

It's so weird that he gave him 50 points.

That's a reference to something we recorded earlier tonight.

You'll get it.

Thanks, you got a bound, so take care, everybody, and happy new year.

Happy New Year, Troy.

Happy New Year.

Good to meet you, bud.

Let me take it easy, bud.

Good to see you again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Flip over to the New York nonsense.

I know there's some company in the room.

I don't want to get too vulgar, but something happened that Giddam told me about when he was watching the ball drop.

And I was.

It was a horse's ball.

He was watching something.

And he told me about it.

And the level of disdain and disappointment in his voice made me think that I'm like, I'm rubbing off on him.

I'm rubbing off on him.

I'm turning him into what I want him to be.

Tell him what made you so angry.

No, I should preface this to saying that every until until the year she died.

Until the year she died, I spent every New Year's Eve with my grandmother watching the ball drop.

So all the way through I was going to go.

Going for some sympathy?

No, no, it's just that this is

why you need this caveat.

But we always watch Dick Clark.

So it's something that I grew up doing and grew up watching.

So I'm used to.

Would you stop hitting this fucking stand?

So I'm used to watching the ball drop.

Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve.

That was your go-to.

It was.

It was.

She loved Dick Clark.

It's a family thing to you.

It was.

That's what you're saying.

And when you watch it, it brings back good memories.

Yeah, and I've told the story that, you know, after she died, I went and visited her grave on New Year's Eve.

With the TV.

With the little TV, and yeah, would watch, uh, would watch the ball drop.

It's crazy.

So no wonder there's no lump on his hand anymore.

So I had a little bit, I had a little bit of a brain fart.

I turned on Channel 4, NBC.

And it was like, you know, it was like New Year's Eve, and I'm watching, it was Carson Daly and this girl, what's her last name?

I think it's Chrissy Teigen.

And I have no clue who she is.

Just too much information.

So, well, Carson's like, watch what let's see what you did all through the year.

And they go through her Instagram feed.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, pictures of your kids.

And then they cut to this other photo.

And you remember now,

there's ladies in there.

Yeah.

She's she's got like one of those like yeah, there's ladies.

It's about a vagina.

I don't think they're gonna be like what

She's got this face mask on and she's got like a blanket over her lap and he's like oh, what are you doing in this photo?

And she's like vaginal steaming and and I had to stop and listen and Carson Daly repeats.

He goes vaginal steaming.

What's that?

And it just blew my mind that on a network TV,

he came in, he was upset by this.

That they would bring up vaginal steaming 15 minutes before the ball is dropping.

Right.

And I'm like,

let's say you want to watch this with your grandchild.

And

if you were to watch out your grandma, how do you know?

I'd be so aghast with you there.

I would guarantee she would be like, turn this off.

This is dirty.

It's right up there with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

It just baffled my mind that they went for vaginal steaming.

Well, not only did they.

well, they that's that's not true.

They didn't go for it.

He mentioned it as if like and they showed a picture of it though, almost it's and then he's like, oh, you know, like I can't hear about this.

It's like then why the fuck did you bring it up?

Yeah, and enough to kill.

What did they throw in?

If they had a photo to throw it to, you know, it was planned.

Yeah.

I was at the couple at New Orleans.

Yeah.

Did you see this, Walt?

You'll like this.

Talk about unfamily friendly.

This is a

video of New Orleans, you said, right?

Get them?

Yeah.

If you watch this couple.

And also watch the girl to the right of the

girl.

You can see her face of disgust, I found.

This was on ABC in New Orleans.

Oh, no, it's not.

No.

Something else.

She's banging her.

You'll see her face at one point.

Right there.

Did you see that expression?

She's getting fucked live on TV.

on ABC and nobody knew it.

If you just keep watching, if you watch him and you watch her and then you watch her face a couple times.

And also watch the girl to the left of her.

Yeah, there's another girl to her left that makes a face.

How you think that's legit?

I mean, it's totally legit.

How?

What do you mean, how?

You just saw it.

I saw nothing.

I saw a facial expression.

Watch out.

You saw the guy who moves, though.

I mean, he's kind of...

He's different.

Oh, yeah,

they're going to a beat that no one else is going to.

Has it been so long for you, Walt, that you forget what it looks like?

So

they can't sway.

They were either simulating on purpose or they were actually fucking.

I don't think so.

They weren't just swaying to the beat.

It's January.

In New Orleans.

In New Orleans, yeah.

I don't know.

The city I said.

I'm not sure I can believe everything I see on TV.

Me neither.

I'm not going to definitely see them simulating it so they could say, but did you see that expression?

Yeah, I think it was a bit of a damage.

So then they could go and they could they know they were up in the front row too though i guess yeah i don't know man i'm about to go talk about this on some podcast you thought it was real q it was real there was a look of ecstasy i'll say that pt barnum was right i guess

i think that's also her body why do you not want to believe it that's i just don't believe it i just don't believe they were in the front row and that's what they're going to do i don't think they're going to put a like let's fool it would be kind of hard i mean i mean you got to wait there like eight hours to be in that front row and insert for all those people exactly that'd be pretty tough yeah it would be tough to do it's not impossible though I mean, everybody's pushed up so close to each other.

You don't think that someone was like a no-button?

You know what we should do to ring in 2019?

Let's get up front.

And if we're on camera.

Dude, I would do it.

There's no reason to think they wouldn't do it.

I'm not going all the way up to fucking New York.

You know how cold it is?

How small my dick will look?

Tell them, Steve Davis.

I knew about getting nothing but smoke and drink like a steak tailor's liver was fucked So he stopped and he dried up Probably should have died But he didn't he lift up Swore to take a second try Now he set himself in a nice new house with a white brick and fence and forking just

a wife by a whole new life when I cut a chop but he got some night to fight They don't know his history

See it as a mystery.

Why he always looks so wise.

And I can tell you right now.

So he wrote me a letter because he didn't know better.

And he told me the love of his fairy tale plot.

And he said I would love it, I should come there in the summer.

And he told me his address somewhere in Saleh.

I went downstairs to his nice new house with a wife, making face, and the mortgage interest.

Met his kids and his wife, so it's all new life, joke is cut.

And I met the job that he does your planet.

When I saw this perfect scene,

I was struck by jealousy.

How could this be happening

for a guy like him and me?

Why not me?

Why not me?

So I gotta use my whiskey.

Asked wiped the kiss, speechy bit.

And I thought that this could have been risky.

So I chopped off his head and I put him in a shed.

Where I saw it off his hands and flip and laid him in a shallow bay.

Now I'm south in a nice new house with a wife, in the fence and mortgage in trust And kids and a wife and a whole new life And I die And I never dropped back off the night to five I love it now

in my nice new house With my wife in the guns and my mortgage in trust And my kids and my wife and my whole new life And my die and I drop the hybrid

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