#395: Fuller House

Well, do you didn't feel like um guilty and just feel ashamed?

What's that?

You could still sell clothing on Sunday

Your podcast has meant so much to us over the years.

Thanks so much for all that you guys do.

We can't wait to see what the future has in store.

You guys use brand scotch tape or just like off-brand scotch tape?

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave.

Walt, we are without Q.

He was just here, but he had to go.

We're doing something

special project.

And he left us with some of the heavy hitters of Tell'em Steve Dave Town.

Not only do we have one person sitting in for queue, we have three people sitting in.

Three people need to sit in for one queue.

Yeah, you're about to find out why we have one queue or three of these guys.

So

we have Chuck Staten

of our video slash film slash audio slash all you know all the

tech shit that I would fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, I help with a bunch of stuff.

That's all you need to know.

Giddem.

Howdy y'all.

Fan favorite.

Click.

And a rare appearance, since you live so far away, Frank Five.

Hi, hello.

Yeah.

Frank Five, you were here for our special project as well.

I'm sure people know what it was.

It was, it might have been Frank Five Rewind.

It might have been.

But nobody knows what show we're doing this month.

Frank, do you look forward to Christmas?

You see him very jolly.

This is going to drop right before Christmas, Walt.

This will will be the last show prior to Christmas.

Nice.

Okay.

I mean, it's nice that we have a full house.

It feels warm and toasty.

We should crank the heat up to me.

But this feels like a full house at Christmas time.

It's nice.

Who do you think is the jolliest amongst us?

Besides me?

Yeah, if he were to take you out of the running.

Giddam's pretty jolly, you know, and I and I often go, like, what the fuck is he so happy about?

Right, yeah, right.

I can't think of a reason.

I actually, I like giving.

When it comes to Christmas, I like giving.

But you know what?

I've never seen Frank 5 surly or

crouchy.

So, I mean, the few times I do see him, I'm always.

So you're saying you've never seen him with his wife.

But the few times when I'm in a room with him, I'm always left, when I leave the room, like, wow, that guy's really Zen in a good place and just a nice dude.

I would just say that about me, too, right?

Yeah.

I say that about everybody.

Yeah, that's what it's just.

As long as you're in a positive headspace, as long as that's your reality, really, that's all that matters.

Do you like Christmas, Frank Vive?

Is your house decorated right now?

You got a tree?

My house, we don't have a tree.

My house is decorated, though.

You know, my wife goes all out with the lights and the stockings and all that stuff.

We had a Christmas tree a couple of years ago, but we always end up fighting when it came to decorating the tree.

So one year we got into it and I said to her, Well, I'm not decorating this tree, and I left.

Well, my wife's only like four cuts it two years later.

So here I am.

So my wife's like only like maybe almost, you know, maybe 4'11, you know, so she's very short.

So when I came home, only four feet from the bottom of the tree was decorated.

So the top was left bare because she couldn't get her bumble to come and do it.

Is that legally handicapped?

For the height, not are you married to a retort?

Talking about her?

My wife always told me, because I have a very short wife as well, that she always wondered if she could get one of those parking passes, like park and spot passes, because of her height.

And I was just like, I don't think so.

I said, I don't think that's something to look into, though.

Legally, you could, but morally.

Now when you fight over decorating the tree, is it like what ornament goes where, like if it's a front of the tree ornament, or does she banish some of your ornaments to the back of the tree?

Yeah, so they face the wall.

Why do I hang this ornament with Jack Parr's visit?

It's a weird celebrity.

No, I think the part of the problem is the fact that I really don't want to help.

I don't think you could care less for you.

Right, right.

So are you like sitting on the couch just literally throwing the balls and hoping that they stick to the branches?

Well, because she can't reach certain places, so she'll call me off the couch to come and hang this.

So, you don't fight about what's actually getting decorated.

You just don't want to be involved.

I don't want to be bothered.

What about you, son?

Get him.

Do you have a tree in your house?

I mean, one that's not bursting through the floor and then through your roof.

I used to have a tree, and I still have a tree.

It's down in the basement.

Not by choice.

It's down in the basement hanging from the rafters.

Not an owl is a roommate.

It's a fake tree?

Yes.

Okay.

I used to put it in my hallway, but then my dad's business partner built a bathroom onto the front apartment we have.

This is where I shit now.

Christmas is over.

That's pretty much

it.

Hang the mistletoe.

Oh, get up.

I'll be sitting on the bowl with the door open, sisters.

I know you can see me, Ghana.

I'm under the mistletoe again.

It was the perfect spot for a tree.

Like, it was right in the view of the front door.

So, like, if you walked up up to the front door, you could see the Christmas tree, which I think is very traditionally

in the foyer.

Yeah.

And they built off an existing wall we had and made a bathroom there, so I couldn't put the tree there anymore.

So it's been stuck down in the basement.

So why not just find another spot in your house?

There's literally no other spot in the house.

I can't believe.

Why?

Because of the Collier Mansion effect?

No, it's because there's no open corner that I can accompany like four feet.

And I have to move something else to get it to put put a tree there.

What about a miniature tree?

I already have a tree.

Why would I buy another tree?

Because your tree doesn't fit anywhere in your house, though.

Yeah, it's in the basement.

On Christmas morning, he runs down to the basement and sits there.

There's a garbage bag over in Dunk Day.

It's like, oh, it's beautiful.

It's all spiders and rats living in his tree.

Well, that's why it's hung from the rafters so the spiders don't get to it.

Someday I'll have a girl and she'll decorate it.

And the Statons, what's uh

honestly you just said you said like a christmassy type oh i love christmas i love it i i i mean decorating the tree is one of those things that i'm like oh that's fine but i like just decorating my house for christmas i go and i look for old uh christmas vhs

and like like old christmas movies like you know it's wonderful life classic ones old christmas vinyls to put around the house stuff like that now do you look for like the someone like the movies someone recorded so like all the old commercials are still on it i i like

taste?

But because it's for decoration you want the cases.

So I want the actual VHS.

People wouldn't be able to tell if the commercials were on.

Oh no, like I know what you mean.

Like

my tree used to have a

disc man set up underneath it with speakers and it was inside of the tree.

Was that the last time you brought it out when disc mans were invoked?

Well, I just happened to have this disc man floating around and it would play Christmas music.

So like it would play Christmas music around the tree.

So I don't know if maybe he had like a little TV that like just played the same.

I think that's a cool idea.

I think that's a really funny idea.

If I, you know, if I had a Christmas party.

Like we do, like we have the TV over here that plays Christmas.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

What year was the last year you can remember when that tree stood?

I made a Christmas card about it.

It was a Grinch stole Christmas Christmas card.

Just tell me the year.

Tell me a fucking year.

2000.

Merry Christmas.

2008 or 9.

Well, it's been almost a decade since you've had a Christmas tree in your house.

Wow.

I'm glad that we have a Christmas tree up in here that you can come to work every day and see.

I enjoy coming in and turning it on.

Adding ornaments to it that people send in to you.

Yeah, that's true.

And all those listeners who have sent in ornaments and the Christmas cards.

Thank you.

I mean, there are some really beautiful ornaments, some custom-made ornaments, Brian of the all-new Sunday Jeff Show.

But my favorite one is definitely the Tom Brady ornament that somebody sent me.

Yeah, I saw a Getham tweet about it.

Yeah,

I mean, what says Christmas more than Santa Claus and Tom Brady?

Those are the two traditional ones.

Not even church anymore.

Delivering Super Bowl championships.

It's under everyone's tree.

I had occasion to go to the Flanagans last year on Christmas Eve, and this tree that they have, very tall and very like, almost like they bought a professionally decorated Christmas tree and then

just brought it home.

That's awesome.

Is that the way it is this year?

No,

that's our Christmas tree.

That's the Flanagan Christmas tree.

We brought it in for the Christmas special.

I remember it a lot nicer.

Yeah, that's it.

But I forgot that a Christmas tree tree probably wouldn't show up against the green screen.

So I just left it in the store.

My wife said she wanted to go with a real tree this year for the first time in a long, long time.

And she said, you know, you can keep the tree there and then do whatever you want with the tree.

Keep it or chuck it.

That's where I was hearing we're having a Christmas tree shortage this year, I hear.

I keep hearing this.

I think it's

a good thing.

That is not true.

It is not true.

I got a tree from the hardware store in the town we live in, and I had passed three places that have so many trees.

Edgar in like late November was like, you better get a tree, otherwise you're going to put it in the game.

Shitty Christmas for you.

And I'm like, I don't know.

I see a lot of trees around.

Because it's weird.

I read that in the paper that there was a Christmas tree shortage, but then I heard that.

Fake news, bro.

Then I heard that

the Christmas tree.

It's war on Christmas.

No,

the Christmas Tree Association.

The Christmas Tree Association was putting out videos encouraging people to get real trees because they were getting a lot more people getting fake trees, artificial trees, should I say.

what did you think of when there was somebody, a newscaster, who got in trouble this year for

laughing

when someone suggested that Santa Claus should not just be an old white man?

She got in big trouble.

I think her name was Megan, Megan Kelly.

She had to issue an apology because she laughed when someone said Megan Kelly had already gotten fired for

the black face.

She's gotten in a lot of trouble.

Yeah.

Really?

So Megan Kelly was like, should it be anything other than

traditional, you know, what we know, come to know as Santa Claus?

What's it supposed to be then?

What do you mean, it?

Like, is it supposed to be Android?

What?

Is Santa Claus supposed to be Andros?

Well, I guess they're saying, I mean, Santa Claus should represent everybody's

culture and everybody's

everybody's, you know,

outlook.

Possible.

It's not possible.

You can't go to the mall and have 50 different like oh, this is binary gender fluid fucking blah blah blah blah blah

can't happen.

What is wrong with just being like this is it?

This is the way it's always been when it was fucking created It was created as that So why is it that it's not like you're gonna take say Snoopy from Charles Schultz and be like, why isn't it a fucking cat?

You should be louder the way you're fucking popping over there

like yeah, like why should well why can't it be a cat?

Why can't it be a fucking squirrel?

I think the market could be a number of things.

Like Like, if you want to go see Cat Santa.

He's dictating it.

If you want to go see Cat Santa, then somebody will have Cat Santa.

What's Cat Santa?

Whatever Santa you want.

If you want to have a Santa that reminds you of the ancient gods of Egypt, then some mall or store will have that cat Santa and you can go to that cat Santa.

So you're not a traditionalist when it comes to Christmas.

Meaning you're okay with like

the new creative place.

I will continue to go to my traditional looking Santa.

If you want to go to some other Santa, find a place that's offering that Santa, and then you can go.

But I'm not going to pigeonhole everyone into having to believe the same thing.

Would you ever consider, like, let's say when the Stash finally shuts its doors and we're no longer able to be a thriving part of Red Bank, would you consider becoming a part-time Santa during the holiday season?

I'd consider a kill for it.

Because I think you'd make a pretty good Santa.

I was watching videos on how they have to learn sign language and all that other stuff.

And they go to the, There's apparently two competing Santa schools.

Can you imagine that?

You work one month out of the year and you have to learn sign language.

Yeah, like, do you know sign language?

I'm like, no,

why would I?

But I guess it's like if you add it to your resume of like what puts you apart from other Santas?

So I can

sign language.

Yeah, you would be able to pad your resume and become a

good Santa.

Like not have to pad his frame and still be a good Santa.

I hired a Santa this weekend for the first time.

I've never had to hire one, but I had to look him up and hire one.

Yeah, your lady has a Santa fetish.

Yeah, that's right.

We just had a...

You hire in Santa?

Every year now.

That's the agreement.

Is there a Santa agency?

Yeah, you basically would.

There's a couple of websites that you could basically put up.

It's almost like Craigslist, but for jobs, like monster.com or whatever, but there's versions of that for performers, and we put up one for a Santa Claus, and we hired a Santa Claus.

Let's all take a guess on what a Santa Claus takes an hour in.

What does he pull home?

What did you hire him for?

Well,

we hired him to show up at a comedy show and do the last 15 minutes, come on stage and conclude the show with basically being on stage for 15 minutes and that's it.

They're paying him for an hour, don't they?

Yeah, let's say it's paid for an hour because he still has to get dressed up and has to come there and stuff.

What do you think a Santa brings in?

I don't know, but I'm thinking about trademarking St.

Nick without a dick for my new gender fluid Santa line.

I don't think anybody's ever, in the history of thinking about Santa Claus, ever thought about what a Santa Claus' penis would look like.

Yeah, I was gonna just say I don't think anybody has ever ever in their mind ever pictured what a new tape is.

Present company excluded.

I wonder.

I know.

I'm sure there's at least 10 videos online you can find of people who wonder now.

She's like Santa up top, elf down below.

Now, here's my question to you, Walt.

Same situation, stash shuts down.

And it turns out...

I could be your helper, your little elf.

Well, no, here's the question.

It turns out that you're better off if you have an accompanying elf with you.

Like, you work as a duo.

Do you and Brian want to be your elves?

No, no.

Do you want

so?

I'm the Santa.

He's wondering if Brian was a Santa, would you be that?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

before I answer, definitely, let me hear what he pulls down an hour.

I'm going to say 25 an hour.

25 an hour.

I'm going to say 30, Frank.

I'm going to say it's even higher.

I bet you it's probably close to 75 bucks an hour.

All right.

Wait, is he nude?

No, traditional all right so now

i'm gonna say like 50.

brian you got one yeah he said i said 25.

25 okay uh so basically we got a lot of responses and they were like 150 175 200 bucks an hour

i mean this is on december 16th so maybe it's because it's so close to christmas right um but the one we hired $75.

He said he'd show up and do the bit.

But we asked him last minute if he can come at like 6.30 and just hang out for like three hours, go to the show.

and he came at 630 fully santed up in his suit and his makeup and everything and he just hung out in the green room and he just charged us 75 bucks so he did say 75 bucks an hour but he stayed for three hours and we paid him 75

you got it right here

he got paid 25 dollars an hour yeah really i think i was right

was there any part of you that was like all right i'm gonna ask him to come early I need you to sit here in this room.

I thought he was, I really, but I'm not going to give you anything extra.

Well, I thought he was going to come to like talk to us,

run the bit with us, because we had never met him in person, and then just sit in the crowd, enjoy his night, and then go change like 10 minutes before his bit starts.

But he showed up at 6.30, ready to go, and he sat in the green room with comedians all night.

It was just a green room of comics and Santa Claus.

He probably was like, there's going to be some sort of like green room treats and shit.

So I'm going to go there early and eat and

eat his fill.

There was some stuff.

So that was fun.

I think he enjoyed it.

You know what I mean?

He's a performer at heart, right?

Yeah.

You know, he kind of, he was a a good Santa.

He was good.

Does it for the love of him?

Why do I gotta pay?

At the end of the night, he was, I was like, all right, man, you're leaving.

And

he was like, I'm just going to stick around and see if anyone wants some photos.

And this is like an adult's comedy show.

I'm like, okay, and he did, but he didn't tell anyone that.

So he just

mentioned is that man.

Really?

He's like the Ming Chun of Santa Claus.

He was a good dude.

He was a good dude, but really, I mean,

he was like, by the way, I also do a leprechaun.

Really?

Yeah, he did.

He's like, also, by the way, can I sleep over?

Okay, I got another scenario.

Store shuts down.

Yes.

And we all have to get jobs in the Christmas industry.

In the Christmas industry.

Yes.

So Bri takes the curb.

He has a female elf.

Me and you work together, and Mike and Ming come together.

Watch, be careful.

Who do you think?

I know you're setting up a joke at Mike's Ministry.

No, no, no, no.

I can see the fucking grin on your face.

He's like, Mike and Ming come together.

It doesn't matter if it's Christmas or not.

Who do you think would get hired first in today's political club?

Well, yeah, I mean, I think the multicultural duo may have a leg up.

But then you have a male and female duo, but then you have the male and disabled duo.

Nobody's going to know.

They don't give a shit.

Nobody's going to know you're disabled.

It doesn't matter the climate.

Sex cells, they're going to want.

a cute elf versus like Mike and Mink.

It depends on where you're going at.

At a preschool, they're not going to want a sexy elf.

Oh, all right.

Is it a preschool get him?

I should have asked.

Or are we sitting at a fucking comedy club green room for seven hours?

I was going to say, are you marketing St.

Nick without a dick?

Because that's going to change.

I think we're all just sitting outside on individual benches and we're just waiting to get hired out in front of this

now shut down store.

Okay, we're outside the Christmas tree shop.

Whenever a slave pulls up, we all run to it.

We all undercut each other like madmen.

Please let me down.

Please let me me down.

I signed.

Brian's getting hired first, though, because he looks more like Santa Claus.

That's it.

That's all there is to it.

We brought Sage to CSINA the other day, and I was looking at this guy, and I'm like, I could do this.

I wouldn't want to do this, but I'm like, I could do this.

Yeah, because like so many kids with

sickness and shit.

Oh, I know.

That's true.

You know, germs and all that, sneeze in your face.

When I was yelling, making noise.

Yeah, pointing out your boner.

He was

a bitch.

I remember you from last year.

That's why

when I was doing research for some games during the years, you know, previous years TSD Christmas specials, I was trying to look up like horror stories that Santa Claus's may have had, like a website where Santa Claus has told about the worst experiences with kids.

And I remember there was most of them, but guess what?

The most number one thing that they were like,

vomit was up there, but it wasn't number one.

Piss.

It wasn't number one.

It was number two.

No, number one.

I got number one and two confused.

It was like, wow.

It was urine.

Yeah, it was urine.

Did you consistently get it confused?

No, no.

I mean, I was.

Can you come in here?

What is this called again?

You got two choices.

Well, he writes on his palm.

Flush it down.

He writes on his palm.

It's poop, isn't it?

I flushed this one.

At least the first game was born.

But it's definitely kids just wetting themselves.

You think they're just so scared?

I think they've been sitting in line for a long time and they're nervous and it's their moment to say what they want and they're just like,

just can't hold it in.

Wow.

It's bad.

Like you can't even leave the line to like

take care of them.

Wow.

Did that ever happen to you?

I know you were were a bedwetter.

Were you a Santa wetter too?

No.

I just.

No, you went your bed, right?

Remember you said that?

You wanted to make it known.

If you offered that up, don't look at me with a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a message.

In all fairness, it was confidential.

It was not.

It was on a TSD.

I was definitely afraid of Santa Claus.

Why?

I was a kid.

I don't know why I was.

But when they get me.

You never really warmed up to Bry, and I still feel you have never really, truly warmed up to him.

Yeah.

I tried.

You're always nervous and like eyes cast downward.

Wait, and he gets smacked again.

Because I always thought it was weird that you never call Bryn when Bry's not around by Bry.

You say Johnson.

I always felt that was

not very

friendly, affectionate way to refer to somebody who wasn't here.

I've never called Bry Johnson.

Yeah, like I show Mary Betha Texan.

I'm like, why does he want to get close to me?

Why does he call me Johnson?

That childhood fear of Santa Claus.

Yeah, like if I cut it off, you think we'd be better friends?

I'm not sure because I think it might have applied to, I would say, the Easter Bunny as well.

From what I remember, it applied to the Easter Bunny as well.

Just costumed people in general.

You're just a pussy, huh?

Yeah.

What a text.

You're the old shadow.

Afraid of a bunny.

Holy shit.

Tall bunny, but I'm only three.

I mean, you don't even want to see me on Arbor Day.

Trees everywhere.

Fuck that.

That's true.

It is overwhelming, though, if you're a little kid, especially if you're like short.

It's like that scene in the Christmas story.

Oh,

I could understand that.

I'm sympathetic towards that.

These kids got to toughen up.

Really?

Are you serious?

You're afraid of Santa.

Never once were you scared of Santa?

Never.

I ran towards Santa.

I didn't run from Santa.

Like a fire department.

Yeah, I don't remember any friends being afraid of Santa, but I also, like I never went to the mall.

For us, it was always the fire department had a Santa, and you would go down there and they give you, like, the town would give you a toy or whatever.

Or at least have the fire truck would come around with Santa Claus on the back of it.

We still do that.

Yeah.

That I didn't have a problem with.

Because he was in the house, just looking through the window.

But no, I was told by my parents, as a child, they got me anywhere near the bottom.

I was in the basement with a plastic bag over me.

Do you think

while the fire truck is bringing Santa around to all the kids in the neighborhood, and let's say a f a four alarm breaks out, does Santa go with them, or do they drop Santa off at a designated spot?

Or do they bring the kids too?

That'd be great, right?

They're like, we don't got time to drop these assholes off because sometimes they would let kids go with them.

I would picture they would probably keep they're probably out of service.

Or do you think maybe Santa Claus is probably a firefighter?

That's what I was going to say.

But I would think that the engine is marked as out of service at that time, so somebody else is covering that area.

Well, let's say there's two four-alarm fires.

Then I would guess.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Have to shed the costume and throw on the on Christmas Eve, two four alarm fires.

Merry Christmas.

Think of that.

Get them.

How old were you when you were like, okay, there's no Santa, and then you didn't have to be afraid anymore?

No.

Like, really?

By the time I remember, I wasn't afraid of Santa Claus.

But this is what I'm telling you.

My parents told me:

that's why there's like no pictures of me with Santa Claus.

As soon as they got near.

Is that what they told you?

Oh.

You were scared.

You were so scared.

See, this just blew my mind.

This was consistent.

This happened multiple times.

From what I understand from my parents.

Oh, see, I was sympathetic towards the first meeting of Santa Claus.

That's all I was thinking.

Like, when you were probably like one.

Yeah, exactly.

That's all I thought.

And how old were you when you found out there was no Santa?

Ooh,

like eight or nine.

Like, I started discovering the presence around the house, and I tried to convince myself that like Santa was like, you know, preemptively dropping off presents.

And that is fucking hard to do when you're 148, right?

Yeah.

I mean,

that's an impossible task for a 148 to convince himself that Santa Claus.

It's hard to convince me that 148 is believing in Santa until he's 10

and he's still 148.

That's what's hard to believe.

Well, sometimes Christmas magic, right?

Sometimes you kind of worry if you don't believe, your parents might, you know, the presents might dry up.

It was all in act.

There you go.

But then

my father got smart.

He and his girlfriend switched presents.

So I would discover these presents and they were nothing that I wanted.

And that really freaked me out for a year.

He's like, they called my dad 149.

So that's funny.

Probably everyone is around that.

I can't remember what the term is, but it's something that sort of flips in your brain and

you realize there's no way it makes spatially

he couldn't fit all those yellows like I got puberty.

holy shit there's no Santa

um I think it's probably also that spatially you couldn't fit all those presents into the sled and getting around the whole world and

all that

there's just something like I wish I could remember the term but it's just like fuck yeah well I think that probably every family deals with like a child that has some specific question like that like they might be like oh we don't have a chimney how does Santa come to our house and they must kind of start this ball of lies that takes care of some of that stuff um But yeah, when it gets to the point of like, how does he get around the world in one night?

And that's where it becomes like a lot logistical problem, I think.

And people start unfurling it.

It could also be like you start talking to your friends more at school, and there's going to be the ones that parents have never told them Santa Claus doesn't exist and they tell you and it's just, it puts that seed of doubt in your mind.

I feel like a dick, but I did when I was a kid, I told someone that Santa Claus didn't exist like a little kid.

And we, you know, and it was a big deal where my parents were contacted and stuff like that.

That's a good stuff.

I feel terrible.

It's like psycho bullish.

When you're an adult, now you go back and you go find that person now and apologize.

I know I should.

I should.

That's the kind of stuff that it takes a lot of burden off you then.

Yeah, I should.

I don't feel bad about it.

Frank Five,

what's on your wish list for Christmas this year?

Do you have something that you're hoping that's under the tree?

You know, wife's good diabetes.

No more decorated for me.

Trap dwarf by the front door.

You know, there really isn't anything that I want.

I'm more, I like trips.

So instead of buying me a gift or anything, let me just go somewhere.

Yeah, just go on a trip.

So you're asking for a trip?

Yeah, well, I mean, nothing big, like maybe, you know, just a day trip.

A day trip, you know, just being able to go somewhere.

Day trip is cool.

Yeah, day tripping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's on your top of your list, Giddam?

I kind of want to break even.

What does that mean?

Like what I put out for Christmas Easy.

That's definitely the Christmas spirit.

I hope I don't lose my shirt on this year.

It's going to be a beige Christmas.

It's like, just neutral.

Nothing good, nothing bad.

You know, a little bit of money, a couple pieces of clothes, so that nothing's going to waste, and then I'm happy.

You buy for a lot of people?

I try to buy.

You know how shitty that is, though, to say out loud that you're like, I hope I don't lose out and spend more on people than they did on me this year?

You know how fucking awful that is to say aloud?

No.

I didn't know that's what he meant when he said break even, even like financially.

That's fucking that's crazy.

That's fucking Scrooge-like, man.

You're going to have three freaking ghosts visiting you this year.

That is a weird answer.

How many people do you buy for, though?

Oh, I did

24 bottles of wine.

So.

Do you have other people?

Yeah.

I give one away.

That's what I try.

That's what I usually aim for.

Give away wine?

Yeah.

Wine you buy?

No, certainly not wine you make.

No, wine I buy wine.

Okay, I was going to say those big big fucking feet all over your grapes and shit.

What I normally do is a grape would escape those fucking.

You could be master watermelons with us when I Frankenstein.

That's a watermelon wine, why don't you?

Have you ever seen that video the lady falls out of the grapes and goes like

Frankenstein's laughing at his YouTube video?

I put my Christmas card around the neck of the bottle of wine, and then that's, you know, I give it to people, and, you know, they hopefully pull out the card and take a look at it.

Now, what if you know people don't drink wine?

Do you still give them wine anyway?

Yes, I get red wine so that they can cook with it because that's, I don't drink wine, but I cook with it.

So I can expect fucking wine, even though you know I won't cook or drink it.

You can give it away.

Pretty much.

I'm not losing out on this.

I already bought 24 bottles.

That's how he's going to fuck it with my profit margin.

Be like, I'm going to make money this Christmas.

That's crazy.

I got to be in the black.

I don't understand.

Like, do you think wine is the go-to gift?

Because you do it every year?

Yeah.

Are you telling me it isn't?

It's pretty unoriginal, right?

Every single year to get the same gift, you don't want to get it.

Different bottles.

Different bottles of wine, different kinds of wine, Maubeck.

What's the average cost per bottle?

We're looking rock gut here.

I try $10 to $11 a bottle.

So you invest in

your in, all in, for about, what, about

$250?

Yeah.

And the cost of his cards.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Well, that I usually get a deal on because I design them myself and get them printed at state.

Like saying all this out loud, he's like, I'm being too generous.

No,

if there's a sale, I'll get a $15 bottle of wine if it's down to sale for like $11.

So

I just go for the price point.

No, I don't drink wine, but I have heard that like...

These like, oh, it's a $10,000 bottle of wine is bullshit.

Like, $10 bottle of wine might taste just as good.

Like I said, I don't drink it.

Like, I just cook with it, make a big pot of red sauce or something.

And so,

yeah.

You probably, you have something that you're

hoping that Santa will leave under your tree when you wake up on Christmas?

Yeah, I'm hoping it's that last ghost sign,

motherfucker.

Or no.

No, I already got something.

I already got something.

Yeah.

Mary Beth got me a GoPro.

Oh, yeah.

Why'd she give it to you so early?

For my birthday.

So I had something and, you know, Christmas because it's expensive.

plus i was like god damn i want to make a sex tape

wow

uh what about you anything um

i asked for um a bluetooth speaker so i can listen to music when i take a shower all right yeah isn't it funny how small you're like

do you guys think maybe like when i'm showering i could listen to the songs i like

i was just i was just thinking of one of those the other day at um shop right like you were gonna think about getting it for me i didn't realize you wanted one i was just thinking about you i was thinking thinking about you in the shower, and I was like, you like music.

But I forgot to mention that usually with my bottle of wine in the car, there's another little gift that usually comes along with it.

It used to be a grab bag.

That's what the Santa sack was for.

The Santa sack that we saw on the Christmas special.

Oh, fucking cow shit all over it.

So you would take out the bottle of wine and flip the back of the card, and it would have a little code that would represent what you got from the Santa sack.

But this year, I'm just

that's very convoluted, right?

Yeah, I don't quite get it.

When's the last time you like, do you take a bath ever?

Like, do you ever, I'm just trying to imagine you in a bathtub.

Do you, do you, like, ever get in a bathtub and just, like, soak, light a candle, drink some of the wine nobody wanted from you?

No, I take showers.

Just only showers?

Yeah.

I feel like if I had a big enough bathtub with some jets and shit, I would take a bath maybe.

I've tried hot tubs.

Power guns took me away.

Yeah, like a hot tub.

A hot tub isn't a bathtub.

There's other people in it.

It's usually

in a hotel.

Sometimes there's those hot tub bathtub combinations.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I see that one on TV.

The one you walk in, and then it's got the little door that closes, and then it fills up.

That's for old people.

So,

if I assumed you living on a farm, you would have one of those bathtubs that's outside

that you see on

the thing

at the end of the stick.

It's just a barrel.

His neighbors are like, oh, gross, he's taking another bath.

Oh, isn't it disgusting when somebody's getting cleaner?

It just is.

Well,

going back to Chuck, you're lucky that you weren't arrested for telling kids that there was no Santa.

Where is this?

This was in

North Texas.

A kid went, I mean, a guy was arrested for trespassing at a North Texas church after telling children that Santa Claus is not real.

And it happened during a breakfast with Santa.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, so he went in and told a bunch of, oh, he's one of three men protesting outside the church.

They were asked multiple times to leave the property.

Two of them leaved, but this guy, Urbanski, refused and continued to cause a disturbance.

And

when people were going into the church, he said, Do you let your kids believe in a fake Santa or do they know who Jesus is?

Which is like two totally separate questions when you think about it.

When I told them not to ruin Santa and Christmas for my kids, they started to shout out that Santa was not real, and I was wrong for teaching them that.

That dude needs to be arrested, though.

That dude's just being a jerk off.

I'm with you, man.

I'm with you.

It's awful to ruin Christmas on fucking

Santa Bray.

What did these kids do to you?

Like, you know, are you out there protesting the children?

Why are you ruining the magic for the kids?

I think, like, technically, I think he should be allowed to say it shouldn't be allowed.

Being a dick is not against the law, and you shouldn't really make it against the law.

But I'm so glad that they got him for trespassing.

They're like, we'll find a way around it.

And they did.

Yeah, technicality.

Yeah.

How old were you when you told Kizurewa Wasn't of sin?

I think I told someone when I was like 10, like 10 or 11.

Like very, very young.

Like probably right when you find out.

Like it was almost like news to me.

It was almost exciting to find out.

You shouldn't hold that

and torture yourself over and give yourself torment.

He's a cutter.

There is no need for you to carry that guilt.

You were a kid.

You didn't know any better.

I was a kid at that time.

This was...

What the fuck?

This was, oh, is this in New Jersey?

Wait a second.

Montville, yeah.

A substitute substitute teacher in montville told first graders that santa isn't real

and he didn't stop there

he also dismissed uh the easter bunny the tooth fairy the elf on a shelf and even leprechauns wow uh

oh not to me and it was a female teacher

who did it i don't know why i would assume it was a guy but i just assumed it was a guy uh the student had written that santa is real she felt compelled to tell a student that santa is not real

and then opened the floodgates and she proceeded to debunk it all.

First grade.

The first guy was religious-based.

It was for religion, right?

And this person.

This person's probably not.

No, this just seemed like she was, I mean...

Teacher that snapped.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Just general inconsideration, I guess.

First grade or so.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

First graders, they're young enough that you can be like, oh, they were just joking, and the kid may believe it.

You're 148s, you're going to be like, you're 148, going to be they're going to be challenged to try to uh to to not realize that they were telling the truth yeah but i mean you're just going down the line of not real not real not real not real yeah like nothing's real and these kids must be like their minds are blown they're like what are you are you nuts what are you talking about of course they're real

I go to sleep, there's money under my pillow.

Yeah, I wake up, there's presents under a tree, or there's fucking eggs in a basket.

So fuck you.

Yeah.

You know, maybe first graders are just like, ah, you know, you could convince them that she was kidding, but what, what a scumbag.

Oh, yeah.

Oh my God.

What a scumbag.

I mean, and again, like, you can't arrest her, but she's definitely going to get fired.

And that

shit today is going to follow you everywhere.

Like, that's going to be marked down, right?

Well, no, as soon as they Google your name, boom, that's the first thing that pops up.

Like, by any chance, are you the same so-and-so?

Who told first graders that Santa Claus was?

Somebody should have done that for you, man.

You would have been a less frightened child.

Yeah.

It's just a dude.

It's just a a dude.

Yeah.

There was, well,

here's Megan Kelly's problem with,

like, Santa is white.

Because it wasn't just Santa.

She's like, hey, guess what?

Santa and Jesus are both white.

Which doesn't help your case, like, because you're like, okay, well, Santa Claus is as real as Jesus, right?

I know.

So whatever.

If they're both white.

It doesn't matter what Megan Kelly says.

Yeah.

Like, they're both white.

All right.

So Megan Kelly says that.

Why would you be upset by that?

Why the fuck would you be upset because some pundit on Fox News is like, hey, guess what?

These two people are white.

And it's like, well, that doesn't make it so.

Especially when you're watching Fox News.

It's like, you know, maybe you're watching a different channel, but this is this kind of stuff I think you would have come to expect from a Fox News.

Like, how the fuck are you offended by that?

I just don't understand.

You honestly are questioning how anybody's offended by anything in today's day and age?

Yeah, I mean,

she's obviously saying it just to, I guess she's like trolling.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Frank Five.

Yeah.

And if only they could have found some of Santa's tweets from 20 years back.

That might change the matter.

Oh, well, actually, I mean, I'm not really familiar with Megan Kelly, but

it was, she says, I'm a straight news anchor.

I'm not one of the opinion hosts.

The way we do it on Fox News channel is the straight news anchors like us give a hard time to both sides.

She doesn't work for Fox anymore.

No, not anymore.

I guess she was trying to...

I mean, she left Fox and went to NBC for like a mammoth contract.

Oh, wait, was this regretted almost immediately?

Was this the what who was the lady who just called somebody like their butt-boy?

That was on another news channel called IMSNBC.

Wasn't that also a Megan somewhere?

No, no.

I don't know.

I forget her name.

I forget what her name is.

Yeah, but she got in trouble.

She had to apologize for that.

She had to apologize, but she didn't get fired.

That's a fireball offense, though.

Butt-boy?

Butt-boy is like...

I know what what it is.

But it's a homophobic slit.

Yes, it definitely is.

But I don't think you should lose your job, though.

No, because I apologize and move on.

But there's a lot of people that are like, oh, well, it's only fair.

Like,

this one got fired, so now she should get fired.

To justify other people.

No, no, no.

Nobody gets fired for saying that kind of shit.

Let's not fire fucking Kevin Hart for tweeting about gay stuff 10 years ago.

Mika Brezhnev.

Yeah, that was her name, Mika.

She called Secretary of State Mike Pompeo a wannabe dictator's butt-boy.

But boy is weirdly vague, though.

Like, obviously, we know what it means, but it's not hateful.

You know what I mean?

Is it like houseboy?

Yeah, it's like houseboy.

It's something that, like, it's something you probably say in high school.

Get out of my way about it.

It's so juvenile.

It's so juvenile, you know.

Sometimes I get Mary about to tie me up and call me butt boy.

Humiliate me and shit.

I got letters?

I got some letters that we, some leftover letters from the Christmas special.

I figured I would save every letter.

I want every listener to know that I didn't throw one letter away.

And I figured throughout the year, we would open the letters, and maybe we would have a Christmas in July special.

We would

run a second Christmas in July, and we would read some of the letters as well.

You want to open one up, Frank, and read the letter?

Yeah, and read who it's from.

Not their address, though.

Okay.

All right.

So this one is from.

You have

those restrictions in place about knowing that it's not a problem.

Right.

I'm not allowed within 100 yards yards of certain people.

It's from Nebraska.

Nebraska Ant.

Who I believe I won some prizes for.

Do you want to read this one?

No, no, no, you go.

I'll read this one.

Frank, go ahead.

All right.

I'd be surprised if I came to that door.

I know.

So this one says.

Did you have a contact yet?

No.

Dear Santa Bry, Santa Walt, and Santa Quinn.

There's three questions.

How did you find out Santa wasn't real?

And when, how, did your religious beliefs change during the holiday season and this one says walt always touts his fastest regift story brian q what was the fastest you have regifted an item

since q's not here you'll have to answer that a lot solo bri

um did you do you i don't see you much as a regifter maybe in your advanced age maybe you found the uh it's a little bit easier to re-gift something oh i thought you meant i'm like did i buy this for someone or did someone buy this for me

I mean, because it's a lot easier just to re-gift something, you know.

Yeah, I don't really get that much stuff.

I mean, I gave away the GoPro.

It's probably, I shouldn't say that much.

To the mailman.

They're like, oh, shit, I forgot his tip.

What's that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm like, fuck, did you get that card?

No, this is not one of my more prouder moments, but when I was 16,

it was Valentine's Day.

16?

Young Bri Johnson.

And my girlfriend.

Valentine's Day.

My girlfriend gave me a rose.

Like in school, you know, you could pay a couple bucks and send a rose.

And she sent me a rose, and then I took that rose and gave it to the girl I was cheating on her with.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

I already said it's not one of my prouder moments.

Wow.

So it wasn't like within seconds, but it was within hours.

Why?

Why do you think you did that?

Because I'm like, look how fucking, what a great guy I am.

Look, I got you this flower.

But you didn't feel like

guilty and just feel ashamed.

What's that?

No, I didn't care because I'm sure that by that point she had done something to me.

So in my mind, I was like, you're being punished.

She never knew it.

You look back and you're like, it didn't even make sense because I'm like, you're being punished.

But I never told her.

So she wouldn't have known.

She was worth her salt.

She should have figured it out.

Yeah, so that's probably the fastest.

The fastest regift?

Regift, yeah.

It's the most memorable one, probably, too, right?

Oh, definitely.

Yeah, I don't really think that's a good idea.

Does that still give you a charge?

Or you're done?

Or does it

still get off?

I'm adjusting myself right now.

This Valentine's Day, I'm like, Mary, look what I got.

It's the same rose Giddam gave me

the rose says Tu Johnson.

Two Johnson.

All right, so let's read another one first.

All right.

Bobby Tattoo.

Bobby Tattoo.

Wow.

That's a nice card.

Yeah.

And drawn.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

I think it is.

It's like a book.

Look at all the effort he went into, though.

Wow.

You got to read it.

Painted fabric.

Can we iron on flat of fringle?

Can we wash other bang iron on it?

Okay.

All right.

It looks like one of the notebooks in seven-inch.

It's like a slam book.

Yeah, the kind of guy who's going to tell kids there's no Santa Claus.

He tore into that envelope

pretty hard.

Are you guys careful openers or you just tear the picture?

Go at it hard.

Yeah.

Is that really a question fucking worth asking?

He cut me off

as I'm making a joke to be like, how do you open your envelopes?

I didn't realize.

I apologize.

Do you have a filter button?

Well, the look.

Because I surely like a letter opener this Christmas.

Well, the look on your face in response to that question is the reason this podcast needs video.

It's the reason it exists.

Oh, his face is really like...

Am I hearing what I am stroking out or is he really saying these words?

So much disgusting.

Just for a man who doesn't wrap his presents.

Can't read it?

Oh, my gosh.

It's too what?

It's too

is it like beautiful handwriting?

Um,

and you know what, Bobby, you did a fantastic

job on your card,

but it's just too long.

We're gonna open up another letter.

All right, here's one with Snoopy.

It is a great job, though, Bobby.

I will say that.

Yeah, it really is.

It's great.

Put that one in the case, right?

Yeah, that one's going up on the mantle.

This is from Vanessa Espinoza.

Okay.

Oh, and Devin McShane.

That's how you do it.

Like a man.

Oh, my God.

It's even smaller, Frank.

Well, in all fairness to these people, you didn't ask them to send cards being like, Merry Christmas.

You're like, write shit out so that we can answer it.

All right.

So this one says to Bri

Walt BQ, your podcast has meant so much to us over the years.

Thanks so much for all that you guys do.

We can't wait to see what the future has in store.

Do you guys use brand scotch tape or just like off-brand scotch tape?

All right.

Z-line scotch tape.

Number one, if you were an elf in Santa's workshop, what would your job be?

Example, a houseboy elf?

That's weird.

Or Mrs.

Claus,

a reindeer caretaker or a toy-making elf?

That's a great question.

It is a question.

That is a a really great question.

Chuck, what would you be?

What kind of elf would you be?

I think I'd like to be a toy maker, right?

Isn't that the most fun one?

Most diversity?

A lot of work.

It is a lot of work.

Maybe that's true.

Do you think that they move around from different types of toys?

I think if you're good at making the Barbies, you're fucking stuck making Barbies for the rest of eternity, motherfucker.

They're not like, hey, Chuck, what do you want to do this Christmas?

They're like, get the fuck back by the Barbies.

You're a Barbie guy.

Yeah, you're right.

I was thinking of it the opposite way, man.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe he's still Toy Maker.

Maybe I just get good at making those Barbies.

And, you know, year 10, I'm making an A-plus Barbie.

What kind of elf would you want to be now?

So it's Toy Maker?

One of the options is just making toys, though.

I like this.

You can be in the stables with the reindeer.

Right.

Or the houseboy.

Didn't they say one of the options was Mrs.

Claus?

Did they say that?

Yeah, houseboy elf from Hupp and Claws.

Or Mrs.

Claus.

Okay, got it.

So you could be in the kitchen making Santa Claus pancakes and hot chocolate and marshmallows.

Well, here's the thing.

Okay, so I'm definitely not skilled enough to make toys.

I just couldn't do it.

I would fuck them all up.

They were switching all the fucking tools and

causing the assembly line to shut down again.

And the Johnson Elf is fucking

off the rails again.

Splitter.

Yeah, early December.

They're like, all right, let's see what you've got.

I'm like, well, there's a pile of fucking broken shit here.

Yeah, they would all be misfit toys if I made them.

The houseboy, now, Mrs.

Claus is requesting the houseboy.

Right.

She doesn't want somebody who looks like me.

Right.

She's already had enough of fucking dudes and white beards.

Yes.

She's looking for like more of a hunky houseboy.

Frank Five.

All right, I'll do it.

Frank Five, you'd be the Mrs.

Claus

house elf.

I could pleasure somebody once a year.

You can't, yeah.

Do it now.

Basically.

Twice on leapy.

So yeah, I'm probably going to be in charge of reindeer shit.

And, you know.

Cleaning up reindeers.

Cleaning up, yeah.

They're like, oh, I don't care how fucking cold it is.

Go outside and clean up that reindeer shit.

Do you think Santa Claus reindeers defecate?

I wouldn't think they're magical deers.

I don't think they defecate.

So you don't think Santa Claus or any of them?

Like,

it makes sense.

There's no plumbing in the North Pole, right?

I don't think elves have human parts.

So what do I do?

Just brush them and shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, just brush them.

And like file their antlers, make sure their antlers don't shoot too long.

Sure, yeah.

Put the harnesses on them.

Now, if Brian's doing that, that means means

that would have been your job.

I think I have a previous experience.

Pedigree?

Yeah, I have a previous experience.

My resume is a little more padded out.

You could shove your fist in them like they do with those horses to get them pregnant.

No, no.

There's a quick easier nigga.

He's sticking his tongue on a pole.

His arms froze him into his missile.

You know, what's that process called when you stick

to your armpit?

Foreplay.

What's it called?

They do have to work.

It's like artificial insemination.

for is that what it's called?

Inseminate.

You put like a sleeve on and you're like touching every apple.

Oh, like when you're petting, when you're palpating

their inside spots.

I'm looking for the G-spot.

No.

No, well, I love what you'd be doing.

I can feed them, water them, take care of them.

They don't need to feed and water.

They're magic, right?

If they're not taking shits, then they're not doing that.

I've already got the brush.

So that's.

Well, if Santa's got to eat, then I could picture that the Ranger have to eat.

Well, maybe you can groom Santa.

There you go.

Why do I gotta groom him?

You gotta massage him and shit.

He's like, got a little towel over his ass.

Comb his beard.

I think I would be like writing letters back to the kids or

drawing little things on the car.

You'd be administrative.

Yeah.

I'd make sure the man.

Not given as an option, but

gotta make a job your own.

All right, any let's go on to I want to, since she got a question, let's give somebody else a chance.

I know she answered, she sent a lot of questions in, and the first one was awesome, but trying to give everybody a shot here.

All right, here's it's air mail from Australia.

Yeah, let's go.

Thomas that person paid a lot of money to get it here.

Petrucci, Petrulli.

Okay,

they celebrate Christmas

in Australia.

I think so.

Summons.

All right.

Dear Walt, Brian Q, Merry Christmas

from us here in Australia.

For us, it's summer and not unusual for it to be 104 degrees.

My question is regarding

Comics Gate, a movement against the current social justice warrior trend in in modern comics.

I don't read comics anymore, but apparently the trend is to reinvent classic heroes in a new woke form.

Example: The Hulk is now an Asian woman.

Is that true?

Yeah.

What does that have to do with Christmas?

I'm not sure they celebrate Christmas in Australia because this question is really not Christmas.

Hey, let me tell you something.

I was in Australia over Christmas, and it's like, is it Christmas?

Like, nobody decorated.

Interesting.

Yeah, that question really isn't Christmas-related on our Christmas.

I'm sorry.

No, that's not your fault, right?

But again, I appreciate you sending it in an air mail.

That must have cost them a pretty penny, right?

I guess so.

I haven't seen French titles.

I just want to call these people and be like, who the fuck is this fucking food?

I like this envelope, though.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Cold school.

Cold call cuss out.

Katie Wiki Wilkie.

She was also, it looks like from an international letter, right?

That's from Canada, right?

Yeah, I think that's Kent.

Nice handwriting, nice penmanship.

The administrative elf in me appreciates it.

I'm like some shit around here.

Oh, look at this big handwriting.

There you go.

Old man like me.

There you go.

Look how big that is.

Oh, my God.

This is a great question, Brian.

This is a fantastic question for everybody to take.

It's written in crayon, too.

Like, this is real old school.

Katie got it.

She got what we were looking for.

Don't Don't take that offensive,

the dude from Australia.

Thomas.

Thomas.

You know, I fed this on.

Crikey!

We offended somebody's mother recently online.

So much so that she's like, I'm never listening to Tom Stew Dave again.

And all we said was we didn't get the letter.

We didn't understand what a white elephant was.

And it was enough to send her the package.

Fuck you.

All right.

Dear Bri Walt and Frank Giddam and Chuck.

Yes.

Even though it really is SAQ.

Can you please discuss,

and we have and your girlfriend can weigh in this too, because

what would a great girlfriend get her man for Christmas?

She's a GoPro.

The most expensive one.

All right.

Well,

while you think about it, and then we'll answer it, and then we'll get a female's point of view.

Okay.

What do you think, Brian?

What's the perfect thing, a girlfriend, not a wife,

not a girlfriend.

Yeah.

And I think a wife has a different obligation than a girlfriend.

A lot more money you got to spend when you're a wife.

Yeah, a girlfriend, you could go, everything's so expensive.

I think you could go, like, if you knew that someone liked a certain band and get them some tickets, like that, to me, that would be a really good thing.

Like, you

set something up for that person.

You know what I mean?

Like, you get tickets and you're like, okay.

A meet and greet?

Maybe.

You know, not necessarily, but okay, here are are the tickets.

Here's how we're getting there.

Here's where we're like, they just take care of everything for that one night.

Nice.

That's classy.

Sounds like a boyfriend may have given that out at one point, huh?

Or no.

Or so many times without reciprocation.

Not, not, not.

Present company excluded.

Okay.

All right.

Get them.

It's.

I've had it where, like, my one ex got me a nice iPod for Christmas and it was the perfect gift at the time and I still have it.

It's my iPod shuffle.

Okay, so let's say it's not 25 years ago and people are still using iPods.

Let's say it's

Katie should get her boyfriend an iPod?

Yeah, go on EV.

If he wants an iPod.

My last ex, she got me some socks for Christmas and they're amazing socks.

Socks for her because I know you're a sock man.

No, they were from Ace.

It looks like he's the one who got socked in the mouth.

All right, so socks.

Yeah, they're red.

You gotta be honest.

They're redhead socks with a lifetime warranty where they wear out.

Katie, don't get your man's socks.

If he won't be your man for long, if you want to be able to do that, what if he wants socks?

I mean,

it's uninteresting and just mundane, bro.

Okay.

Socks are something you can bring home like, hey, I was at the store and I know you like socks.

Your grandmother gets you socks.

I wish my grandmother got me socks.

I mean, she gave me cash.

Or was alive.

But that's the kind of gift you get from a relative.

I mean,

I think that your partner

is more significant, more it's not such a soul.

Would you be married today if you gave Deb socks during the wooing period?

I think it's dependent on the...

We have a lifetime guarantee, Donald.

Where are you going?

They're really nice socks.

Frank 5, you got to be able to top socks.

You're going to ask this guy.

I know.

Relationship-wise.

Well, I mean, still, even with his history and what he's told us, he still should be able to top socks.

You should give your wife a stepladder so she won't bug you next year.

That's right.

Well, we don't have the tree anymore, anymore, so that's solved.

Oh, it's over.

I don't know.

I think, like I said, I like trips.

So I'm kind of going along with like what you said, where a surprise to go someplace.

I remember one time my wife and I, we were Christmas shopping, and I said to her, do you want to go and get something to eat?

And she's like, yeah.

I says, well, where do you want to go?

She goes, any place by the water.

So she sleeps when we drive in the car.

So she fell asleep in the car and I drove to Niagara Falls.

And when she woke up, we were at the border and took her for dinner.

Aren't you right around the corner from Niagara Falls now?

It's about three hours away.

Oh, still.

Okay,

yeah.

Okay.

I thought it was.

She fell asleep or did you drug her?

Like, how could you be sure she wasn't going to fucking wake up?

Well, you know what I did?

I turned the heat up so that she would stay asleep, and then I would set the clock back.

So if she did wake up, she'd look and think that she was only asleep for a couple minutes.

Okay.

And then he put the car and drive at the ramp and just let it go.

Let it go.

It was something like that.

A surprise.

He's like, I call this the Susan Smith.

Chuck,

I gotta go with Frank and Brian.

I mean, you gotta look at like basically, what does a person like, and then kind of figure it out from there.

So if it's a band, maybe if it's like a restaurant, a location, like, you know, I'm sure if like your wife surprised you with, like, oh, we're going to Vermont for a weekend and we're going to go and try these two restaurants or something that you like.

And she's like, I'll stay home.

I'll be like, all right.

That's to me, that's the best thing.

You're not something like, oh, I got us tickets for MoMA.

And I'd be like, why the fuck would you get me tickets for a museum?

Is it a free end?

Yeah, you got to go off and build what you know they like.

Yeah, you know, that's what I think.

Now, I'll answer and then we'll let Mary Beth answer.

But

I would make your boyfriend something.

I know that a lot of people aren't artistic, but

I think, you know, if you...

I remember when you painted Deb a nice picture.

Yeah, yeah.

I painted that picture.

She still has it.

She still saved it.

So it can be something that people will look back upon as you put effort into it, you put time into it.

You just didn't go to the store.

Mary Beth, I painted this for you.

She would not want my painting.

Mary Beth, I painted the bathroom ceiling.

Can you clean it?

But I mean, like I said, you don't have to have a lot of artistic talent.

As long as you put your heart and soul into it and make it something that, you know, special, I think that they'll appreciate it.

It would just be the real-life version of Santa's toy shop for me.

Smash shit everywhere.

But I'm curious to see what a female thinks

Merry Christmas to you

she's probably right

for the Santa Clauses to hire again

what would you really give him well with Brian he doesn't buy things for himself except if they're like fun really expensive posters or toys or like stuff like collect I remember that motherfucker was buying pens that were like fifty dollars like out of ten a clip

but stuff like clothing it's like he'll it's like he needs sweatshirts, but he'll find you know these sweatshirts.

It's like, ah, no, I don't want to buy it.

You know, I'll get something for Sage or you or someone else.

So it's like stuff like that.

If I can remember, it's like, oh, he needs this, this, this, and this.

And they just compile the stuff that he's not that he won't buy for himself.

The stuff that I'm like, this isn't worth buying.

It sounds very similar to socks.

Get the redhead socks for fast pro shops.

Lifetime warranty.

It's like walking on a cloud.

I fucking can't stand this shit, man.

What?

They do this all the time like Grubhub or Dor.

Like, it's fucking around the block.

It shouldn't take over an hour.

They might be doing that Uber, like they do that over at

Taylor Sands.

They got their own drivers over there.

But sometimes if they're busy, they go through

Wednesday night.

Hey, I ordered quite some time ago.

I'm right around the corner from you guys.

Can you tell me why it's not here yet?

And whose food am I spinning?

Why is it cooking right now?

It said it would be here by 11:53, and it's, I mean, we're around the corner.

Come on, man.

All right.

Yep, thanks.

Fuck you.

Fucking Jesus Christ, Mo.

We have nothing else to do until the food guys here.

I want to open another link.

Let's open it up.

It feels so fucking jolly, man.

Go ahead, Frank.

Let me open it.

Okay.

Probably on the inside.

We're really chilling.

We're really busy.

I don't want to hear it.

Wow.

What is that?

Wow, that is crazy.

That's a business artwork.

It's the Year Without Santa Claus and

the Heat Miser.

And that's also, yeah, that was the, oh my God, this is some great artwork.

Now, this is what I was talking about when I said that if you put your heart and soul and do something artistic, it makes an impact.

Who is this from, Frank?

This is from A.

Ferguson in California.

Wonderful artist, man.

Yeah, just tears it open.

I like how much effort people put in.

We won't throw this stuff away.

Really, and I didn't, like I said, I never, I'm not throwing them away.

And then it said

a simple question.

And if you didn't put this much work into it, well, your shit's going to come.

There's no question to it.

It says, this was meant to be for the Christmas pod, but I was too late.

So now it's a Christmas card.

Didn't want it to go to waste.

Happy holidays.

Amanda.

Happy holidays, Amanda.

Oh, wow, that's good.

Still nice that she still sent it in, though.

In a priority envelope, too.

Here's another priority.

It was awesome.

She could have saved a little postage since we didn't read it for two months.

That's true.

Yeah, but I don't want anybody to think that just because we didn't read them on the Christmas special that we chucked them or we're not going to read them in the future because we will go to this well quite often.

So wait, if that's maybe every week.

Are one of these two Brian one of these two?

I'm sure the guy with the father,

the guy, the ice guy is definitely Brian and I guess that's Q is Heat Miser.

Oh, firefighter, Heat Miser.

Okay.

Yeah.

I was curious before we go get to another letter, what do you think about this?

This happened.

Scores of red-clad revelers unleashed chaos on the streets of Hoboken during Saturday's Santa Con.

This was a couple weeks ago.

14 people were arrested and four cops landed in the hospital.

A guy got arrested for dislocating a cop's thumb during a brawl.

So basically,

it was St.

Patty's Day, except in December, and a whole bunch of people dress up like Santa.

They get wasted and then start fighting.

So they're not official Santas?

No, I think you just dress up as Santa,

and then you go and you get drunk.

Any excuse to get drunk, I feel, is

enough for most people, right?

Yeah.

It doesn't even...

It's not rowdy.

I mean, just give them an excuse.

It's after five o'clock, time to drink.

It's such a, here's the picture where they're all dressed up like Santa.

Right.

Like, dude,

I feel like the only person at this table that may do this, like, you seem like the kind of guy you might dress up like Santa and go, like, rebel.

That's a, that's a,

I don't really do the, like, too much dress-up stuff.

Like, that's a little bit outside of my wheelhouse.

I mean, someone could probably convince me.

I don't drink.

I don't really.

I don't drink?

I don't drink.

Like, it's not like

a, like, I'm the sober morally.

Yeah, I'm not a teetotaler.

It's just I don't often drink.

Right.

You know, it's just not something I I do.

But when I do, it's to excess.

No, not really.

I don't at all.

But I could be convinced to go dress up as a Santa and have fun.

What about you, Gilan?

Would you dress up like a Santa and go?

Well, you don't really dress up.

You skip the whole Santa park.

Yeah.

Is there no holiday sacred enough that people won't use it as an excuse?

Because you hear a lot of people getting wasted on Easter.

Right?

You don't hear that very often.

I mean, I think people realize that that was a pretty holy day.

What's their holy funny day?

Probably holidays that revolve around the morning or daytime mostly are not going to have.

Are a lot of bars closed on Sunday, too?

Because there's usually Easter Sunday.

Yeah, so okay, so that makes sense.

Bars are closed on Sundays?

Yeah.

In some places, no, I don't know.

There's no blue laws anymore.

Where was I?

When did this happen?

They've been relying.

And I know a lot of bars.

You could still sell clothing on Sunday?

I know a lot of bars.

Waterworld.

A lot of bars sometimes.

All going to hell.

They bank on the holidays for being a big season for them.

Like, you know, like does the pre-Thanksgiving, you know,

bar crawl.

Are the bars filled with sad people around the holidays, like Christmas and everything?

On Christmas Day, yeah.

Yeah, it's all it's only sad people in a bar, huh?

It's either that or people, like, they just walked out of their family's house and was like, I need a fucking drink.

You know how people, like, go to hospitals and try to, you know, cheer up sick kids on Christmas?

Like, we should start a tradition.

We go to bars and cheer up fucking drunks.

Yeah, and get our asses beat.

Like, hey, I can't help but notice you're a loser.

I'm here to make you feel better.

Christmas socks.

Brian Wong Q going wassling at the local bars.

Yeah, you ever go Carolyn?

I did.

It was my favorite thing in school was doing the Christmas pageant.

Or the pageant.

That's what they used to call it.

The Christmas pageant.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat it all.

Pageant, you say.

I enjoyed that singing with

a group of people and watching all the parents.

Why'd you think you stopped in?

You could still join a choir at this stage of your life.

At the elementary school.

Thank you.

But there's the choirs out there that are looking for a nice baritone voice.

But it was, no, it was something you would do during school.

So we'd take you out of class for a circle.

Oh, for the real reason you just wanted to get out of class.

It's just the breaking even version if he was in school.

If I've got to be here, at least I don't have to be in a class.

You're 148.

Why aren't you just showing off in a classroom all your fucking wits?

Like, why are you leaving class when you can be poning students left and right?

Letter?

I remember going caroling with the church.

I was pretty young.

And it's a word you do not hear that often anymore, or a term.

We would go caroling to all the shut-ins, which normally meant like 80, 90-year-old women who lived alone.

They don't leave their house?

Their house smelled completely fucked up because they never left it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Like they're just basically waiting to die in their own home.

Oh, man.

Shut-ins.

Who has the list of shut-ins?

How do you know?

I don't know.

Somehow the church always knew.

They're like, here are like the saddest people on earth.

Go hang out with them.

Go sing to them and watch their face.

Like, if I'm a shut-in, you know, I'm 80.

I have no family.

Nobody cares about me.

I never leave my house.

Nothing's making me feel better.

Certainly not having to get up, go to the door, and be like, Now these assholes are going to sing to me.

Like, fuck off.

And like,

are they stand here and take it?

Yeah.

Are they supposed to tip you or something when you're done?

Or no.

They want figgy pudding.

That's according to the song, right?

You're supposed to like, you probably are supposed to give them some kind of like food or drink or something.

If shut-ins, I think it's like

it would be a cold day in hell before I ate whatever a fuck a shut-in was making.

Like, it 100% has traces of cat food in it, at least.

The plate comes out with more hair than my Santa sack.

Then you're sick.

We got here, boys.

Wax seals.

Wax-sealed little mini-topic envelopes from who?

Get them?

Wow.

D.

Bishop.

This is old.

This is like something that, like, you know, a Christmas carol.

You know,

you would.

This is old school.

This is like before radio.

This is how people.

Ebenezer melting the wax and sealing it on it.

What kind of seal is it?

It's a wax seal.

No, I know it's wax, but what's on it?

It looks like a left hand.

Or no, a right hand.

Or is that a heart?

No, it's a hand.

No, a heart in the hand.

But this one says for TSDIs only.

So I'll be eligible to open this thing.

I guess everyone else's ears, if we're going to read it, right?

I fucking hate Junior so much.

They're like, it's out the door.

Three minutes.

Look how awesome this is.

I'm about to call and be like, don't even bring it.

Come on.

Just don't answer when they get here.

Chill out.

Oh, fucking God.

I'm going to read you this.

It's going to make you

warmer.

Ten times bigger than

just like the Grinch.

I just need it to make me not hungry anymore.

That's what I need.

Make my stomach three sizes of it.

Does anybody want that wax?

You can't fill up on love?

I don't think so.

No, your girlfriend's shaking her head.

No.

She's like, I've tried.

Dear TSD, I hope you use and enjoy my topics.

Or if not, enjoy making fun of them.

See, this is an aunt who gets it.

This is an aunt who realizes that if we're making fun of it, it's because we're just Josh and just kidding around.

You should not take it literally and fucking fucking cry, baby.

Run away and be like, I'm never listening to TSD.

Then they hurt my feelings.

She says she could listen to TSD seven days a week and she looks forward to the next eight years and beyond.

Merry Christmas, Steve Dave, from Four Color Demon 1196, aka the tap dancing demon.

So, So what is in topic number one?

Let me go for walk.

Okay.

He vigorously opens an envelope, geez.

All right.

Okay.

I regret tipping this cocksucker ahead of time.

I really do.

Come on, come on, Brian.

It's Christmas.

Oh, that's true.

It's Christmas.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Michael Bry, come on.

Have you ever given a loved one a gift you really thought they really like, but they really didn't?

Oh, good question.

Ooh.

I mean, they would have to tell you.

I know.

How would you know?

Yeah, they would have to tell you.

So you've never had a relative tell you or somebody you gave a gift to?

Oh, any relative?

You couldn't read their face?

You couldn't read the room?

I have a shameful confession that actually confirms the end to this question.

Okay.

So my grandmother.

My Grammy, she passed away a few years ago and I worked at like a movie store before that.

It was called Movie Stop.

It was Movie Stop, which is like, it was owned by GameStop.

It's movies, you know.

And,

you know, she would be like, oh, I love, like, I love Lucy.

And she'd watch I Love Lucy.

And so I'd be like, oh, I got you the whole big box set of I Love Lucy.

And then she said, oh, I like this.

And I go, I'll get you the whole box set of this.

So for a couple years.

And then when she died, her last words were, you're ass a gift, kidding.

We got to go through her house and take whatever we wanted.

And in her closet, I found all the DVDs I gave her.

It never opened.

And I returned all of them.

Nice.

So what?

So what?

Break even.

That's where I read it.

It's all about breaking even on purpose.

But maybe she just didn't know how to work a DVD.

Yeah, I think that's what it was.

That's how I would like to remember Grammy.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

She liked it.

She liked the thought.

Befuddled and ignorant.

What the hell is this?

You guys knew my Grammy?

So I'm not.

I don't have a record player.

It's fancy picture disc.

That boy soft in the head.

I totally

told his mother, send him to a special school.

I don't know where he gets his money to buy me real silver.

Hope he's not selling them drugs.

He must be taking if he thinks I want this shit.

Topic two.

Okay.

This would apply to Walt, I believe.

Could you live in a world where Christmas lasted a full week, but the rank and bass specials did not exist?

Yeah,

absolutely.

I mean, if he was forced to.

Yeah, I mean, we almost got the question: would you rather?

We almost do live in a world that Christmas lasts a week.

I mean, basically, the fucking world shuts down between the 24th and January 2nd.

Yeah,

you know, and people are still going out, giving people gifts.

I guess it's meant maybe it's meant to be like Hanukkah, where there's seven days of life.

I didn't mean to say that so angrily.

Rub it off on you.

Talk about hangry.

I'm about to go live.

Don't go fucking

peace my mind on periscope.

No, come on, bro.

Read topics.

Read topic.

That'll warm your heart.

All right.

I'm sure it will.

What's your favorite

food?

How long is the longest you've ever waited for food?

Think of it like you're the shut-in, and that's the caroler coming to make you happy.

what are the top what are the top three comic books graphic novels

set during or prominently featuring christmas oh that's a good one well the one would be like isn't it like marvel saves christmas or something there's a couple of them simple like ones that are like that what that are just focused around christmas yeah where like spider-man like isn't there one where uh there's like a santa claus robbery that spider-man stops it's just like a cute story that they sold around christmas i mean i mean if we're really this is on a level though i'm sorry tap Dance, and Demon, but this one is on the level of like, do you rip open your envelopes or do you open them nicely?

But I will say that the greatest Marvel Christmas story to me is Marvel Team Up number one, where Spider-Man and Human Torch were chasing down the Sandman, and they capture him at this apartment.

And when they get him, he says his mother's in the other room and that he stole something and he has this gift.

Can you just let me give her this gift before you bring me to jail?

And they both of them let him.

And when they, there's like he's probably been in there for a while.

So they go out on the outside of the building, look inside the, to look inside the room to see the old lady in bed.

There really was his mother was really in there, but he went down the drain, though.

And he left little sand

in this in the drain, so he got away.

And so, but the human torch and Spider-Man don't beat themselves up because it's Christmas.

They're like, there'll be another day we can capture Sam.

I'm sure that made you feel better.

What does it matter what fucking day it is?

You dropped the ball, assholes.

I don't give a fuck what day it is.

Like, they're just letting themselves off.

They're like, well, it's Christmas.

Like, you know what?

It is Christmas.

I'm sure the victims of the salmon on the 26th are not going to have any sympathy for Spider-Man and a human torch.

Wait, so you had him.

You killed my mother.

Wait, Spider-Man, didn't you learn this lesson with Uncle Ben?

Full me twice.

Are there more letters?

We got to fucking keep going because they won't deliver the fucking phone.

Looks like he's ready to just drop.

No, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go.

You got a long way to go, though.

I'm good.

If it's too late, I'll just get another night here.

That's all right.

I'm gonna go.

I'm too sorry.

I forgot that you had to drive home.

Believe me, I have such a good time.

I forgot you have a long road ahead of you.

It doesn't matter at all.

Believe me.

Just turn the heat on.

I'll end up in Niagara Falls.

All right, so this is Friday.

Hey, I called a little bit ago.

You said it was going to be three minutes.

It's been 16 minutes.

I am around the block.

I'm literally around the block.

About how much, you know what?

We're waiting to go home.

How much longer am I supposed to sit around?

Why wouldn't I deliver here first?

It makes zero sense what you guys are doing, man.

So you would go to the farthest place to deliver and then come back here?

That makes no that makes, you know that makes no sense, right?

If somebody's three doors down, if somebody's three doors down, wait, hold on.

Okay, so say I'm next door to you.

Say I'm next door to you and I order, right?

But somebody has ordered 10.

So you would deliver two miles away from me rather than next door first.

That's what you're telling me.

Oh,

so you're understaffed and that's why it's taking so long.

It's not because you're that busy.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know you've said that five times, but.

But at what point am I supposed to say, like, I don't want the food anymore?

We're trying to go home.

People are ready to leave.

Well,

then be prepared to be surprised because he's not here yet.

He's not

shit someone at the door.

All right.

Fucking, holy shit, man.

Like, this is the shit you're dealing with.

And I guarantee the fucking food is cold.

I guarantee.

She's going, well, we deliver in the order that they received.

And I said, so around the block.

less, even if somebody did it, too.

You should have, yeah.

I was going, it would have taken us so much less time.

We got another letter though, right?

You're going to like this.

Oh, good.

Can I fucking eat it?

Who's it from, Frank?

This is from, I, well, because I ripped up in the envelope.

I can't make out the first name, but it's Parker as the last name.

And it says, Dear TESD, I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on the following.

If you were granted the ability to anonymously put a hit on three people

and you would face absolutely no ramifications for the demise of these individuals, individuals.

Who are you going to kill?

I can have three people?

Yeah.

Well, I figure one would probably be the

corner.

Yeah, let somebody else answer this first.

Okay.

Well, I whittle it down to three people.

Motherfucker, at least two of them work at JR.

All right, Frank.

So you read it.

Do you have somebody?

Let's not do three.

Let's do one.

Sure.

Come back to me.

I have to think about this one.

You have to think about this one, huh?

Yeah.

I can't imagine.

Yeah, I would think that you'd be hard-pressed to think of somebody you want.

Yeah.

Come back to me.

I'll think about this.

So we're asking Santa to perform a hit.

Right.

Wow.

You can kill three people.

We can kill one person, and there's no ramifications for it.

Get him.

What was the question?

Where are you going to go?

If you could have one person murdered, who would you have murdered?

No ramifications.

Santa Claus is going to do the hit for you.

Oh,

wipe him out, rub him out, make it look like an accident.

That is a tough one.

I don't think I have that in me

right now.

Right now?

Yeah.

Like,

I can use it whenever I want, then, yeah.

Is there somebody right now that I'm not?

No, not that I can think of.

I think it might be even keel.

What about somebody famous?

Yeah, I was thinking about that.

Oh, besides, oh, Dakota Fanny?

Oh, I meant like somebody who deserved it, though, not an innocent actor.

She's not innocent.

Further thing from it.

What about Putin?

Yeah, that's a scumbag.

I was thinking about that.

Instead of going personal, go like betterment of the world.

Yeah, something that'll make the world a better place.

Okay, yeah.

One of them

Putin or one of them other dictators who's been doing those mass genocides and

Rwanda or anything else like that.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Good choice.

Get him.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

You got one, Chuck?

I think that I probably know some people personally that I think the world would be a better place without them.

So I think I got him.

Personally.

Yeah, I think so.

You know, somebody.

I got a couple people in my life that have

demonstrated over the years many, many times that they are not good people to have around.

And the world wouldn't miss them.

And the world would be better off without them.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

But you're not willing to say them.

No, I can't

curse their name in public.

Okay.

But I'm sure.

Frank Five.

I got to tell you, I can't think of anybody.

I mean,

somebody, what about

just some.

What about

a serial killer that's still sitting in jail or like a piece of shit that you know, I guess if there was a child molester that they're out there, yeah, I would have no problem with them getting snuffed out.

So you would just convict a child.

You would find somebody online.

Yeah, whoever was closest, so I didn't have to drive too far.

You nailed them.

I think that's a pretty good choice.

Yeah, that's a great choice.

Yeah,

I'm going to go that route too.

So between the two of us, we can wipe you

to six.

All right, so our food is here.

You want to want to wrap it up, Brian?

I guess so, yeah.

Bless us, oh Lord.

As far as

we've all picked out who we want murdered for Christmas, I think it's a great way to end the episode.

Personally, I've got one person that I can't say much like Chuck.

I got to keep it under wraps.

Probably another person.

Randomly, I would like the guy who was like, hey, there's no Santa Claus.

Just have him sit at home and the guy come in and be like,

a couple in the back of the head.

I'm so fucking hungry.

I fucking.

Yeah.

You know what?

Fuck everybody else.

It would be three people at JR's.

Well, Merry Christmas to all the listeners out there.

Yeah, everybody have a good holiday.

Happy Christmas.

Good Hanukkah.

Good Kwanzaa.

All that shit.

All those great things.

So thank you, Frank.

Thank you, Gidham.

Thank you, Chuck.

Thank you, thank you.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Merry Christmas to all you guys.

Merry Christmas, boys.

All that great stuff.

Yeah,

I'm insincere, yeah.

Tell them to steep to him.

I really can't stay.

Baby, it's cold outside.

I've got to go away.

Baby, it's cold outside.

This evening has been

so very.

My father will start to

beautiful.

What's the

father will be pacing the floor?

Listen to to the fireplace roll.

Billy, I'd better scurry.

Beautiful, please don't hurry.

Maybe just to have a drink more.

Put some records on while I pull.

Neighbors, my thing.

Maybe it's bad out there.

Say, what's in this drink?

No caps to be had out there.

I wish I knew how.

Your eyes are like stars.

Break the spell.

I'll take your hat.

your hair looks swell.

I'm gonna say that I tried to be a little bit more.

What's the sense of breathing, my friend?

But it's cold

outside.

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