#391: The 2018 Halloween Special: The Colored Cadre Cometh

Happy Halloween, everybody.

Walt here.

Before we begin the Halloween episode, I've just got one more call to action plea for you guys to send in those TESD Christmas letters that I asked for you guys to send in.

What we're doing here is asking you guys to send in an old school letter, almost like we did when we wrote Letters to Santa when we were kids, where you pick a topic that you want to hear Tell him, Steve, Dave discuss on the new Christmas special coming up later this year.

We're going to read your name and then we're going to read

your topic that you want to hear discussed.

Give me three.

Give me one.

I don't even care.

I just need one because I promised Brian Q that I would deliver a mail sack that I could dump on the table that would just take everyone's breath away.

And after one week,

the mail sack's looking

pretty anemic.

I only got four letters in.

I know writing a letter is like basically like milking a cow at this point.

Nobody knows how to do it.

But I'm not taking any emails.

No, it's got to be old school handwritten letter

that we can open up on air.

So please

don't force me into padding the mail sack with

not real letters.

But I will if I have to, because I'm not going to go to that table with only four letters.

But come on, get in the Christmas spirit.

Write TESD letter, you can hear your name mentioned on the Tell'em Steve Dave 2018 Christmas special.

All right?

So send those letters to TESD XMUS, care of Jay and Bobs, 35 Broad Street, Red Bank, New Jersey, 07701.

I repeat, TESD XMUS, care of Jay and Bobs, 35 Broad Street, Red Bank, New Jersey, 07701.

All right, man.

Let's get into some chills and thrills with the 2018 Tell'em Steve Dave Halloween special.

Get ready and get a firm grip on your Halloween goodie bag because you're in for a full evening of Halloween horrors.

Tonight's marathon of Halloween horror will continue in a moment, right here on TNT.

Next.

The honeymoon's over when Gloria Talbert discovers I married a monster from outer space.

And up next, what does Baron von Flanagan have up his sleeve for the boys on the Tell him Steve Dave Halloween special?

Nobody does monster vision like TNT.

The beacons have been light.

The souls get the power.

The souls will get a power and get a night time.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Start the show.

All right, right.

Because I could tell you were nowhere near fucking in gear.

You're just babbling.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell I'm Steve Dave, the Halloween special, Walt.

2018.

2018.

How many years in a row is this?

We had last year with the special, the green screen thing.

We had the year before with the alleged medium.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

Yeah, it's got to be at least four years, or if not more, maybe five.

Tradition.

That's what

TSD is about.

Traditions.

Not enough of them anymore.

Traditions, right?

Well, America is hardly here to anyone.

America's kind of moving away from the traditions, you know.

People want new traditions.

It's okay, Tudo.

I saw the other day the NFL has their first male cheerleader.

Good tradition to start?

Because there's a lot of ladies like football.

In 2018, yeah, I think it is.

Not that it's going to matter because I'm sure he's gay, but a lot of ladies like football.

I don't see how it can't hurt.

The NFL NFL needs all the good PR they can get right now, and a dude doing some rah-rahs may help deflect some other criticism in other areas.

All right.

Did you burn your Nikes, I hope?

No.

I could care less.

Me neither.

So what do you got for us, Walt?

What are we right into it?

You got to leave.

I mean, unless you want me to talk for an hour.

Because I got shit in my notebook.

I went to the Cheesecake Factory, bro.

I was going to fucking kill an infant.

All right, I want to hear this.

It's this thing where, like, look, you had kids, you know, two girls that were like roughly the same within that same age.

Four years.

So if Caitlin is five, Alicia is one.

You go to restaurants, though.

Are they screaming non-fucking stop?

My kids didn't.

But you got to understand, though.

I mean,

if you go to a place like that, though, you can't.

Go to Fermagerie if you want quiet and you don't want kids.

Fromagerie, so 1992.

I would say char now.

Oh, yeah, go, yeah.

Yeah, that's where you're gonna get it.

But Cheesecake Factory went for lunch.

I mean, in all fairness, it was school shopping, but this kid was little.

This kid was like a year, a little bit older than a year.

Now, when I say, didn't stop screaming because he was like frustrated and angry, and like nothing the mom did was saving this kid.

And the dad, now, this is the dad.

His elbows and then just like this.

Oh, God.

Like this.

Now, if the dad is like that, what the fuck do you think it's like for people whose kid it is not?

I mean, the dad's probably just, you know, he's at his wit's end.

He doesn't know what to do.

I mean, I mean, you know, he didn't have a weed whacker in hand to him, you know,

throwing away the windows.

If you're a cheesecake window and a fucking window, you don't care about shit like that.

You know, for moments afterwards.

Could you

could.

You're too busy hoping no one called the cops.

I'm looking around at my neighbors.

I'm like, you better fucking be cool.

Since he's got stitches.

You whisper.

Could you institute a rule, though?

That's like, look, if your kid is.

No.

Because it's like, look, if your kids are disturbed, if this kid's disturbing you too right think of everyone else with an earshot not one person is like oh this is adorable you think that they don't know that though i would take my kid out of there i would say right the level of this screaming i think you are an asshole if you sit there with a kid that's doing that I agree.

But yeah, it's tough, though.

And maybe you just, maybe you just place the order.

Maybe you got like your, that's a, that's got a hundred dollar meal if you got like a family.

It doesn't sound like the husband would be that upset if just she left with the kid.

No, I'm sure he would have loved it.

This is great.

I had to to move though.

Yeah, he's not going to be great when he gets home though.

He stayed and ate the meal.

No, but you know, he's going home either way and he's not going to be happy either way.

So you might as well get a good meal out of it.

Yeah, and if that kid's screaming is any indicator of his normal behavior,

it was, it was unreal.

It was unreal.

It was fucking unreal.

I couldn't believe that.

I'm like, so this is it.

This is society.

This is what everyone has agreed is acceptable.

The fucking corporation won't tell him like, look, you can't have a fucking, what if I did that?

As an adult, what if I just sat there and screamed?

Why is it okay for a fucking baby to ruin everyone's fucking meal?

But if I do it, it's not okay.

I agree.

I should be allowed to do it, and they shouldn't be able to fucking throw me out because I would be like, what about him?

I think expectations for an adult are a different thing for an infant.

I don't know if it's fair, but I just think that we don't think that I think as a society, we've agreed that expectations for a grown man should not be on the same level as an infant.

No, it's not expectations of the individual, it's expectations for the atmosphere.

What you should be able to reasonably expect when you are going into like a cheesecake factory, which is the cheapest place in the world, you're paying for something.

You know?

I mean,

like, is that a doctor's office where I'm like, okay, a kid is screaming.

That makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, sometimes if you feel a little sympathy and you may, it can make that woman's day or that family's day.

If you walked over and just like, hey, I know, I know you're dealing with some rough times right now.

Is there,

can I get that kid a lot?

Oh, fuck away from me.

Like, how about I take your kid for a walk?

No, not for a walk.

But if you go over and offer that kid candy or do an act of kindness can go a long way.

That kid may remember that.

Like I said, he was like a year and a half.

He ain't remembering shit.

Well, very well, the mother.

I wanted to smack him right off the fucking goddamn high chair like it was a bar stool, like it was some drunk asshole.

But I didn't.

I was ready to leave.

And

the waitress came by, I was like, I got to move.

I was like, and I felt that, like, I was like.

like shaking a show.

I'm like, I got to move.

This fucking kid is driving me crazy.

Why are you shaking?

Baby's crying.

Because it's so fucking irritating that these assholes are like, have you not been like, did you go into therapy yet?

Not yet.

Yeah, okay, obviously not.

How long was it before one week?

I'm like, uh,

depending on the meds they gave me.

How long was it before you started boiling over?

How long was the baby carrying on?

Probably 10 minutes.

That is a long time.

It was a really long time.

That is a long time.

But

I had already moved once because they go to seat us, right?

And you know the way Cheesecake Factory is set up.

It's like booths.

And then there's like this sort of almost community type seating where it's like, here's a table for two, here's a table for two, and they share a long bench.

So, this table of eight goes before us, and they go and sit down, and then they take us, table of two,

and they attempt to sit us right next to this table of eight.

And I look at the guy, I go, Are you fucking kidding me?

And he goes like, What?

And I was like, I'm not with them.

I go, I'm not with them.

I don't want to sit there.

Come on.

Why the fuck do I have to spell this out for every fucking person I come into contact with?

Why are you so shabbily treated everywhere you go?

I don't know.

They must look at me and be like, okay, here's the fucking asshole today.

We got a room.

A pigeon just flew on it.

I'm like, come on, table fuck.

Why did you get so upset?

You could just as easily be like, oh man, do you mind sitting this over there?

Because he really was taken aback, like, all right.

Well, you're cursing at him.

Yeah, but I'm just like, why do I have to say this?

Because here's my thing.

Would you want to fucking sit here?

Because if not, what the fuck makes you think anyone else would when there are other tables available?

Why the fuck are you sitting me with these people?

We sat in a booth.

Who are actually these people?

Who would have thought that would have been the better fucking table?

But so they go sit us way across the restaurant in a booth.

And then the fucking kids start screaming.

You know why?

God punished you.

Karma?

Karma.

Why?

Because I'm like...

You cursed at that defenseless employee.

You made him feel like...

He is defenseless.

he has to take my shit yeah he does yeah so we got to take that kid because we fucking yeah he has to be like thank you yeah fucking date night was ruined too date afternoon date afternoon got ruined the kid screaming in the goddamn

who was was it really who was it ruined for you and your date well i think what happened was i ruined well the kid ruined it for me and then i in turn ruined it for her right yeah yeah par for the course i imagine i'm not gonna i mean i'm not gonna say not even the first time

i'm not gonna say that's not nine out of ten, I would say.

I'm not gonna say ten out of ten times.

Data's experienced a failure to launch several times.

Do you know, Tanya?

I was like, she's like, just has to move, just has to move.

Because she's gonna see me like then upset, but I'm just like, what?

Kathy Johnson.

There's nothing.

They would rather have me leave than a kid who is ruining literally 30 other people's, 40 other people's dining experience.

They'd rather have me leave.

That kid doesn't even have fucking money.

You know what?

If I saw someone rant and raven,

I would rather have the rant and raven adult leave.

I wasn't ranting and raving at that point, though.

I'm saying they wouldn't walk up and be like, yo, you have to fucking calm this kid down.

Nobody asked you to leave, though.

No, I know.

But I was saying, no, they should have walked up to the family and been like, we can't have it.

We just can't have it.

Somebody that goes online and posts about it, and then parents start to go, I'm not going to eat at a Cheesecake Factory because you don't understand what a parent has to go through.

You know, do you think I want my parent, my child acting like this?

You know, and cheesecake factory.

I didn't.

It's not my kid, it's no one else's kid there except yours.

That kid is your problem, not my problem.

It's but it comes cheesecake problem, though.

If they go online and cause a ruckus and they start to have parents be like, Well, I'm not going to go there anymore.

And it's good, don't it?

It's a dominant effect.

Don't.

That way, we don't have to fight through 80 fucking strollers to go to the bathroom.

Cheesecake pushes.

That way we don't have to fucking listen to screaming kids.

I don't think cheesecake wants that.

It's not worth that bad PR, though.

Business.

These bad dining.

Think like a businessman.

Not like a selfish SOB.

All right.

I'm already out of business because I'm thinking if I kick that fucking kid out of it.

Selfish indeed.

Oh, my God.

If I thought giving that kid something aside from like a finishing stroke to the head would have silenced him, I would have done it.

But this kid, like, no matter what they did, kid didn't care.

He could have broke out at Fake Salem.

It is funny.

It is funny.

And I wonder if we polled every human in the United States to find out in this exact situation how many people child murder would even enter their thoughts.

At all.

Whereas you're like.

I'm like polling a fucking jail.

Psychiatrist.

I don't know if anybody would be like, oh, my God, I'm going to pound this kid on the head with a finishing blow to shut him up in a cheesecake factory.

If this is him a year and a half, what the fuck's he going to be like later on?

Because there's a lot of people.

We're leaving.

That's what would have happened to me.

I wouldn't have had to do anything.

We're in the ground round.

We're crushing peanuts.

We're watching cartoons.

The smallest thing would be like, we're out of here.

Yeah, but your childhood was you look back on as it wasn't a good one, though.

So maybe it's a different tactic they're taking rather than the egger route.

Let's spoil this little cunt instead of making sure everyone else is okay.

You know, happy Halloween.

Why don't we jump into the game?

I'm going to go to Cheesecake Factory on Halloween and just scream.

I'd be like, hey, man, I'm dressed up as that little kid who fucking ruined my goddamn lunch two months ago.

But what happened?

They moved you, though.

I can still hear them.

Put your buds in.

It was, it was, I gotta, I gotta, it hasn't, like I said, it has inspired me to stop eating out as much.

I eat home way more now because I just can't deal with it.

Shoddy service, screaming kids.

Not for me.

Not for me.

Pa.

Not anymore.

Pa.

All right.

So

the Halloween special.

Yeah.

Very intimate.

Not taking into consideration all the people who are filming it and lighting it and

taking pictures of you right now, Q.

But

I just boiled it down, stripped it down to

Mano Amano.

You versus Brow.

Sorry, leaving.

You versus Bry

in a winner-take-all fashion.

What is the winner-take-up?

Well, you have to summon a certain fiend,

and

he will deliver just one fact tonight, but that fact may change both of your lives.

Well,

it will actually only change one of your lives.

Actually, it will change both of your lives.

One of you will be devastated, and one of you will be

touched by God.

Almost.

Wow.

This is big.

It's a hell of a.

He's like, Brian, fucked your mom junior year.

You're elated.

Or maybe I'm elated, and you're like, oh, well, who's devastated?

Say it slower.

One of you

will ascend to divinity.

One of you will.

Actually, not descend, right?

What's it called when you elevate to

ascend to divinity and one of you will descend into oblivion and the darkest pits of probably depression, the loser.

I hate to say it, but

it's going to get worse.

It's going to get worse for the loser.

Well, that sounds sounds like something I want to scream twins at Cheesecake Factory.

Hey, baby, there's got to be winners and losers.

He's my friend.

You think I want to damn him to eternal, depressing oblivion?

Oh, no.

You're telling me you're not going to go after this with me?

No, I'm going to do it.

I don't want to be.

I'd rather him than me.

That's a thing.

Yeah.

I don't want.

I'm going to find it difficult, but one of us has to go.

You've got to have that killer instinct.

I'm younger.

I got more time ahead of me.

He's due for a heart attack any day.

I mean, I know that Baron's going to be looking for who's got that killer instinct.

Who's going to be willing to put...

I just said I would fucking hammer a fucking year old in the head.

Right.

Can I win the game right now?

But I want to know if you can put your foot on your friend's throat.

I want to know if you can run him through with a fucking sword right through the fucking belly.

Yeah.

I'm like, hey, Q, let's go for mafia style.

And he's like, I totally trust you.

I'm like, I know.

Why are are you getting in the back seat?

Yeah, like, all right, in the back seat.

Let's pretend it's like an Uber, like a funoober or something.

Okay.

They shoot you in a crash.

I don't want to kill you.

Thankfully, you will not be asked to kill one of each other.

You won't be asked to kill tonight.

Just asked to, you know,

metaphorically

slay the other.

So if you, if you

whichever one of you would be so kind as to to summon the Baron, we can begin.

Okay, so this is the first test.

If you know the

Brian Johnson

on top of his game,

he knew that I was putting a test out there.

Had I thought about it earlier, I would have memorized it.

Come on.

All right, hold on.

I know how it ends.

Darkness.

Darkness.

Darkness, drown out out light.

Yep.

Appear before me.

No.

Fiend of fact.

Fiend of fact

appear before my sight.

Close enough.

See you in hell.

Caveat empoor, bitches.

I have but one fact to deliver.

I'm not sure of our relationship with the Baron.

Are we friends with him?

Are we...

You wouldn't...

It doesn't seem like a friendly, like, yo, what's up, bitch?

Like, like that kind of thing.

Like, he's your your friend.

It seems more of like a derogatory, like, majority.

Like,

you're just humans.

You're just barely humans.

So by default, we're bitches.

All right.

Well, then, why do you spend all day fucking spouting facts out at us beneath you?

You know, to kill the time, you know.

To blow your minds.

I enjoy blowing human beings' minds.

It's like a pastime for barons.

Minds.

Gotcha.

Barons.

Notice plural.

Barons.

Barons.

There's a barony in.

There's a

baronylands in hell.

I don't know.

You may find out because.

Barony Acres, like it's where all the like how child molesters all have to be housed, sort of in the same vicinity and shit.

Like all the barons live together.

Not because of

serial child molesters.

No, not because of that.

Because we're.

You're just segregated.

We're divine creatures who

are above human beings and we're

supernatural.

Baron Hell is like Louisiana in 1950.

Who's handing out these baronies?

I don't know.

Like, what do you get?

Like, knighted?

Yeah, do you remember it?

Or is it just something you always have done?

I've always been a baron.

Okay.

You know,

when the earth was just a speck of dust,

I was a baron.

Waiting for a human being to tell my first fact.

So the baron is here to tell us the Big Bang theory is real?

Maybe, maybe.

again, I only have one fact to tell you.

I can't keep telling you facts.

On Halloween night, I only can give out one fact.

I just have one more question about the Baron, if that's okay.

Is his first name Baron von Flanagan, or is the title Baron?

The first title is Baron and then Von Flanagan.

So there's a first name somewhere in there.

Yes.

I cannot tell you tonight, but yes.

Oh, wow.

It's like Rumpelstiltskin.

He's the giddem of Barons.

Just to use goddamn name.

All right.

So Baron has a first name.

That's interesting.

I want it to be like Bob or something.

Every year on Halloween, the Baron offers a contest for one human being.

A chance to become a god.

A chance to become a baron.

If you choose to participate in this contest,

you will call upon three barons.

Oh.

A colored...

cabal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Segregation.

Baron, what's going on here?

That's not cool, bro.

I repeat.

Baron American, please.

A colored cabal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aaron, looking around.

That's 2018.

Four fiends who will, with a series of riddles and tasks, weed out the one who is most worthy.

Only one who has beyond average qualities.

will be offered the privilege of becoming a baron at contest's end.

Do you both wish to participate?

knowing surely the loser will face a lifetime of shame and regret

and not giving out facts that anyone could hit wikipedia for well that's that's not my concern you do yeah but he's saying it's mind-blowing so maybe

what i'm saying is like am i then responsible for giving out facts like is this a job

this is this is the facts it's another job this is another goddamn job where people say things that i got to show up and like spout a fact at them anytime they want This is like, again, this is like an honorary title.

This is becoming immortal.

This is becoming super

natural.

No other baronesses?

No.

It's 2018.

There are no baronesses.

This is a man.

It's worth it.

All right.

Or fortunately.

Right.

You can't be getting distracted.

You got facts to give out.

Right.

Got a bunch of hotties walking around in capes and hats and masks.

I'm ready.

I can't wait.

Did you have to do it?

I accept the challenge.

Yes.

Then let us begin.

First, you'll each get

a Baron's bugle to blow.

Okay.

I see where this is going.

The Harvey Weinstein Barons.

This is how I got a TV show.

This is how I lost a TV show.

Can I have the purple one?

You can have a purple one.

I want everybody to see, especially, I know you're a little germaphobic cube.

Yeah.

That this is a new new bag of

well,

but then you could send, you can hand me the bag instead of just touching the one part that my mouth is going on.

He's like, this is where you blow on it.

All right, you guys go through the bag.

I like how the bag doesn't even say what they are, it just says value.

What do you got?

Purple?

Yeah, I got purple, green, like a joker.

All right, I'm gonna go there.

Oh, do not blow the bugle.

Do not play a tune on that bugle.

Okay.

All right.

Until you are ready to answer a question.

Okay.

All right.

Sounds like

Civil War-era dialogue.

Do not blow a tune on that bugle, boy.

Okay, so each of you will get a Baron's bugle.

I've already covered that to blow when you wish to buzz in and answer a question.

The first one who plays a tune on my bugle gets to answer.

Baron's gay, man.

I'm sorry.

You won, Q.

Now we know why he's in hell.

I don't want any part of this.

Yeah.

It says right in the Bible.

I mean, come on, Baron.

God, God specifically was like, that's a no-no book.

He's like, cut the shit.

How many times do I got to tell these Barons?

That is fucking 11 piling all over the place.

11 rules like

Barons fucking sand blasted that last one off.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Dolts, do you understand the rules?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you want to answer a question, you got to play a tune.

Whoever blows in first.

Whoever blows in first gets the answer.

Okay.

So blowing in it is a tune then.

Okay.

Well, it doesn't seem like it works.

Effort, please.

Can we do a practice?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's not even like...

Why don't you just get a kazoo?

That way we could have played a tune for real.

Because I wanted to fucking say Baron's bugle.

Not Baron's kazoo.

I got it.

If I ever.

You ever played a bugle as a young boy?

No.

They did try and teach me clarinet,

but

I didn't take it.

And then I was like, sorry guys, I'm straight.

And Woody Allen.

You didn't take any clarinet.

No, we had a music class, and that's what they

tried to get me to play clarinet for a semester.

And what?

It was no go.

I never practiced.

No, Brian, you played an instrument and played a trumpet for a couple of years, yeah.

Close, right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, I mean, bigger, but I wanted to play the drums.

Parents weren't going to buy me a fucking drum set.

So, you know, so when you want to answer a question?

No, we got to have Eric and Darren.

Let's spend money on that shit.

Yeah, that panned out.

What's that?

So, when you want to answer a question,

you have to play a song for the Baron.

Whoever starts in first gets the answer first.

How long has the song got to be?

Just whoever goes in first.

Gotcha.

You know.

Okay.

So.

So we should, the whole time, just do this, right?

I guess.

Like this?

I just want to go to hell.

Oh, it's to a gentleman's, you know.

Okay.

It is finally time to summon the first of the colored

cadre.

I didn't think this through.

I gotta rewrite this on the flesh.

I just wanted something that began with C and Cabal and Tadre.

I just wanted something that started with colored and ended with people, and then

you guys reminded me that I shouldn't say that.

Thank God, the last word of it wasn't bigger.

We'd be shut down right now.

All right, so

please

open this sealed envelope

and your lives will change forever at this moment.

All right.

So we both read this.

Invoking the jade fiend ensures my soul imperiled.

I'm assuming that's imperiled because it's misspelled.

The payment to Beckon, the bastard

Baron decked in emerald.

Imperiled in Emerald?

Sure, why not?

Whoa,

never seen this before.

A green baron.

This is like the green lanterns and the red lanterns and the black lanterns.

Someone calling into question that rhyme.

Imperial doesn't rhyme with Emerald?

No, it doesn't.

No.

Also, get them.

You're still the greenest of assholes right here.

Oh, hold on a second.

Caveat Empor.

Wait, so the green baron says the same thing as the normal Baron?

We're all barons.

Every baron, the black baron?

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Oh, we're in the weeds now.

Just

think of it.

Or his advice.

Say once.

The black baron is the fiend of facts.

Okay.

I'm about to tell you what the green baron is a fiend of.

Beware those of feeble mind and weak of stomach, for the green baron, master of children

of the night,

what music they make.

I should have said that a little closer together.

I sounded.

Yeah.

All those Giddam's titles as problematic as the kids say.

As a baron, you'll have telepathic telepathic abilities that will allow you to command all lower forms of life.

And to become the lord of the leeches, the master of the maggots,

you must crawl amongst the termites, the blow flies, and the lice.

And then ascend from the muck and mire

as subjugator, as you bob for vermin.

Or as Giddam calls it a buffet.

Hold on a second.

Bob for vermin.

All right.

You will each have thirty seconds to bob for as much vermin as possible in the Baron's cauldron.

A rat is worth

five points.

A bat is worth four points.

A snake

three.

Why is the most phallic only worth three?

And a spider is worth two.

If you

also, we will be pulling two 10-point items.

Can you please Q hand me Sunday Jeff's brain out of the jar?

Oh,

that's where it's been.

And Brian Johnson's heart in the other jar.

All right.

Wow.

There it is, dude.

Wow.

I haven't seen that in a while.

Not as black as I thought it'd be.

But it's probably.

As enlarged as you thought it would be.

All right.

Now, also, there is a penalty, though, because this is the bobbin for vermin.

This is a sewer water.

So if you happen to pick up a bloody

tampon,

it's five points off.

So you don't want the bloody tampon in your mouth.

So does you.

I guess if the rules say so.

Barons are prude.

This is diseased.

HIV

water.

What else?

I mean, any blood-borne diseased water, that's what this water is.

But there's not full-blown AIDS in it, just HIV.

Okay, well, that's all right.

Why not just say it's blood?

We forgot red food dies.

We'd be walking out in red face and shit.

Indians everywhere.

I'd be like, what the fuck?

Yeah, I don't need that.

Syphilis?

Syphilis.

A lot of syphilis is reduced.

Herpes?

Herpes.

So you're saying it's Ginno's bath water.

All the ones, all the bad ones, all the blood-borne diseases.

Yeah.

All right.

So this task will get you messy.

Right.

Someone told me that.

And we're doing it first as opposed to the end of the day.

What the fuck?

I mean, nobody's going to give me the heads up to bring an extra shirt.

Do I get a discount at the stash?

Going home in a snoogin shirt.

A baron must know when to delegate.

So you have the option of commanding a lower form of life to take your place and bob for you.

But if you choose a substitute bobber,

know that 10 points will be automatically lopped off the final score.

So I introduce to you finally

the baron's lower form of life.

And everyone else is, incidentally.

Wait, so you're saying that if we choose to not do it, we can assign the head bobbing to a lower form of life.

A substitute bobber.

All right.

So you got to be good at bobbing your head.

Hello, Mike Ming.

I got a job for you.

Now, is that 10 points each for Mike and Ming, or just 10 points for using them?

Mike and Ming.

Yeah, they're good at bobbing their head, so I just called them.

They're on their way.

Yeah, but yeah, but I mean, you mean

you're already in the bargain line.

Bobbing

practicing.

No,

let's say you so go deck.

You choose to take a substitute bobber, and let's say he has 30 seconds, and you're going to be blindfolded, too.

Oh, my God.

Because

I want you to be pulling up tampons.

If you can see the tampons, you won't grab them.

Right?

I'm like, is this a fucking spider with an eight-inch diameter or a tampon?

I can't tell.

So

you're going to have a blindfold on.

Okay.

You're going to have 30 seconds.

You're going to get in there.

You're going to try to get the 10-point brain.

You're going to try to get the 10-point heart.

But you're going to try to stay away from the tampons.

But if you don't want to get wet, you can delegate to a lower form of life, which is what Barons do best, and have

my lower form of life assistant take your spot as the bobber.

Both of you can, but knowing full well that whatever points he pulls up in 30 seconds, you chop off 10 points of that, though.

But if we both do it, then it's a wash.

Yeah, we basically just started over and don't have to get all wet and shit.

Yeah.

Can I ask a question?

Is there a green screen involved in anything today?

It's right there.

Not this year, no.

Then why is he in that green outfit again?

I just thought, you know, I mean, it's Halloween.

Maybe he wore it last year.

I thought tradition.

I was hoping you were going to say he just showed up to work.

Tell him, C.

Dave, like you said, it's all about tradition.

Every year on Halloween, you can expect to see

get him in green in a green suit.

Now, will you go to.

Because I know that, like, if I were doing that, I would not go on social media because I would not want to hear what people had to say.

I would not want to hear people say what I already knew, but didn't want to hear other people say.

Will you still go on Reddit and all that shit?

Of course.

Really?

Yeah.

He's a moderate.

I don't care.

He doesn't care what people think about him.

You're fucking awesome, you know.

You really, like, anybody who doesn't like you, I don't understand them.

I don't get it either.

I need Brian.

There are a lot of them.

Oh, there are.

Brian Johnson, your decision.

Will you bob

or will you send in a substitute Bobber?

It's only been recently that I've been ousted from a TV show and not treated kind of like a star, but I still have sort of a residual self-respect and unwillingness to do shit that I'm like,

why would I do that?

That's for a lower life form.

This is one of those times.

You will delegate.

I'm going to delegate it to get him.

I would rather lose the 10 points

and then watch Giddam do it.

Okay.

I think everyone else would check.

Get him in your mic, get him.

Whoa, whoa.

No, I want him going in with the mic.

Whoa.

If I'm bobbing, I want to go first.

Unfortunately, Brian Johnson got to go first, so he's going to go.

Well, then I'm just going to delegate.

That's okay.

We assumed you would.

No, I was going to bob.

You weren't really going to bob?

I was going to bob.

Then then

you can't fucking just change the rules.

How about then I only lose five points if he bobs?

What the hell is this about?

Because I'm supposed to go first.

You don't want to go in after controversy again on the set.

Halloween, take Tell him Truth Dave Halloween.

You're trying to try to shave off five points.

Fucking throwing curveballs at me.

I'm playing the game that you put it from me.

Yeah, but you were supposed to go second.

All right, low life form.

Well, I wasn't going to ask you yet.

Your decision should come after you saw how Giddam did.

All right, now think about it.

But you're saying right off the bat, if he goes first, you will not.

What do you want me to do?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

But if I let you go first, you will bob.

If he gets no points, he automatically has negative 10 points.

So I might as well bob and do nothing and have zero points and beat him.

You don't think he's going to be able to pull up a spider, a snake, or a rat, or a bat?

I don't know.

You have to assume he does it for dinner in his well on the farm.

All right, I'll go second.

But if I allow you to go first, you will bob.

I didn't expect you to bob.

A man of your stature.

I was going to bob.

I don't know if a shitheel like me won't bob.

Well, I didn't think you'd bob either with that with that beard.

I didn't think it'd be comfortable if you just sit there all night long.

Not at all.

I just wondering why

I wondered why you didn't do this list.

You've all seen what I've done with an elephant's anus.

I have.

And we also watched Elephants in the Room.

Let's get him go first.

But if you, I am saying, I will let you go first if you're ringing the bob for vermin.

I'll bob for vermin.

Get up here, bro.

You got to give me negative five then.

What is this shit?

You can't get something out of it.

No.

I can't say

the Baron makes the rules.

He can change the rules whenever he wants.

I know a guy like that.

His name is Walt Flanagan.

I may have to scam a shirt.

What is that?

I may have to get a shirt.

Can you go shirtless after you bought for Vermin?

Can you put on Giddam's unitard?

So, does what I bite go back in, or is it out once I've gotten it out?

Where's this blindfold?

Oh, my God.

You got to get blindfolded.

But around, like, once I'm done, do you put all the things I've captured back in?

You got to spit it out and give it to me.

You got to spit it out and I'll take it.

Right.

How long is it, Walt?

30 seconds.

30 seconds?

All right.

He can't see.

Who fuck keeps texting me?

I don't know.

Just turn your fucking microphone.

I don't know how to do it.

It's just a flip a little switch on this side.

All right.

No, he doesn't know.

My lower life.

Touch my iPad and make it stop bringing and binging.

Yes, Master.

All right, are we ready?

Are you ready?

You give me, I'm gonna go

five,

four,

three,

two,

Bob.

Okay, and on Bob, I go.

The timer's going, get it.

No, no, it's not.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

You said I'm going to.

I'm going to.

Like you were describing what you were going to do.

Why don't I say Bob?

Get in there.

All right.

Five, four,

three,

two,

Bob.

Got it.

Got to get him.

Yes.

Master.

Oh.

Oh, that's a tampon.

That's a tampon.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

He's gonna get sick.

He's gonna get sick.

Ten, nine, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three,

two,

one.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

No way.

No way.

You're all right?

You want to to sit back down, Q, and we'll

tally up your vermin?

Yes.

What was that?

That's your phone.

That's your iPad.

Is this our mic or is this Chuck's mic?

That's ours.

Okay.

Got wet.

It's probably still working.

Chuck, give me your mic.

We've got to do this shit again.

$25 mic.

Are you ready, Q, for your point total?

I am ready.

I'm excited.

Hey,

Victor, can you remember the score when I give you the final score?

Well, I'll never forget it.

Lower life form, please deliver the point tally for Brian Quinn.

We have two rats at five points each, master.

10 points.

All right.

We have a spider at two points, master.

We have a bat at four points.

And we have a snake at three.

19?

Why not?

19.

19.

So he's got to get 29 for you to tie me.

Come on, get him.

So

you're still remaining with your substitute, Bobber.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to put the vermin that Brian Quinn

fished out of the toilet

back into the cauldron.

You know how many people would kill themselves to be in my position right now?

Like sloppy seconds.

Yeah.

Q sloppy seconds.

You can pretty much walk around being like, I gave Q a blowjust.

Pretty much.

You can do that anyway.

How'd that water taste?

It was

as advertised.

Very disgusting.

See why I want to go first?

No, Giddam looks like any girl who agrees to fuck him.

Brian Johnson, we need.

I didn't tell you this.

What's up?

Second, Bobber gets an extra 10 seconds.

He gets 40 seconds on the clock.

Oh, wow.

Why on earth would that happen?

Just feel like doing it.

Yeah, see, fair enough.

How do you like the rules now?

Fair enough.

All right, Giddy.

And I remember it's on 5-4-3-2, Bob.

Okay, no, not yet.

Not yet.

I'm okay with this.

Now, is the lack of teeth an advantage or disadvantage?

Disadvantage.

How come?

Nothing to grab.

We talk about Bobbin or

you know, with that headband, you look like a ninja turtle right now.

Doesn't he?

Like in the middle of the fight, it fell over his eyes.

Get him looks like the ninja turtle, but like his shell spun around it.

I don't want to see what this suit looks like.

What t-shirt contest?

He looks like the heaviest hostage ISIS ever caught.

He doesn't look as bad as you want him to look, yet he looks exactly like I think he would look.

It's a weird conundrum, you know what I mean?

Like, I want it to look worse.

I like to think of myself as an imaginative person, but I couldn't even imagine what that looks like.

But you're like, oh, yeah, I guess I did.

Yeah, but it doesn't look as bad as I thought it would do.

I'm going to put the mic

to the cauldron so the listeners can hear

the vermin squirming around in there and the lapping of the lower life trying to conquer them.

Five, four,

three,

two, Bob.

Oh, my God, he's drinking all the water.

Oh, he's got a rat.

Oh, he's got a spider.

Oh, he didn't get the snake.

It didn't go in your hand.

That's a spider.

You did the same.

Oh, that's a tampon.

He's like, I know.

Oh, he's getting all those two-points gets.

You got 20 seconds left, buddy.

20 seconds.

He's getting all the low ones.

Oh, please get him.

Come on.

What kind of lower life form are you?

You could, I guess, give him that snake.

10, 9, 8, 7.

Get the brain.

Five.

Get the brain.

Get the brain.

God damn you.

Three, two,

one.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

All the low points.

Get him.

You're already ready to deliver.

You're fucked up.

You're stupid.

That's why you're lower life form.

I don't even know if he closed the 10-point gap.

Are we ready to deliver the point tally for Brian Johnson?

There's only three tasks tonight, fellas, so this is huge.

We've got a spider, which was worth...

Spider was two.

He's got another spider, four points.

God, get him.

He's got a snake, which is worth three points.

He's got a rat, which is worth

five points.

And another rat, which is worth five points for a grand total victor of

minus 10, seven points for Brian Johnson.

And what did you get?

19?

I had 19.

So I'm 12 behind.

12 behind.

There's still time to make it up.

The colored cadre of fiends is going to give you another shot, Brian Johnson.

Otherwise known as the Crips.

Oh, wait.

I don't get a point for winning the round.

You just, you're running a tally here.

Running a tally.

That's what I was asking about.

Running a tally.

So I'm at 19.

Okay.

I hope I've proven to the Baron that I'm very serious about this.

If the Admiral Baron wasn't already green, you would be able to see just how sick with disgust he is with one of your performances.

Get him?

I didn't do anything.

A new level of putrid has been reached here tonight.

I thought the Baron would like that.

I depart truly revolted, as the scores are: Brian Quinn, 17,

19, Brian Quinn, 19.

19, yes.

Brian Johnson, 7.

12 points.

A lot of points.

All right, we're rolling, get them.

What do you got?

Well, you know, for first-time listeners, they might not know what Casper is.

They may just think we're talking about a ghost.

But Casper is a sleep brand, not just a mattress company.

They're a sleep brand that makes expertly designed products to help you get your best rest one night at a time.

Speaking of best rest, I came in and I...

I overheard a conversation earlier today where you were telling Brian Johnson that you suffer from night terrors and night sweats.

No, no, ever since I was a child, I've sweated a lot when I sleep.

And it just seems lately it's getting worse.

Like I actually have a fan.

It could be because my AC is down, but I have a fan now on the couch, like pointing towards the couch to cool me off at night.

And so I decided just to do the smart thing and Google what could night sweats mean.

And besides cancer and you're going to die in 10 seconds, one of the things was low T.

So I said, who knows the most about low testosterone than Brian Johnson?

So I just happened to see him walk in the store today, and I was like, hey, you know, before you got diagnosed with low-T, I said, did you have, you know,

night sweats as well?

And his answer?

He says he wasn't, he says he kind of did, but he wasn't sure if that was because of the

drug use?

Yeah, the opioid abuse.

Well, if you get a Casper, it's made out of foam.

It'll soak up your night sweats, and

you'll never feel damp at all.

Well, you hope it doesn't soak it up.

Why?

Because then it's going to soak it back out.

No, it won't.

Your foam mattress is like a sponge.

Well, you don't want to.

Do you want to sleep on a wet sponge?

Well, it won't be wet.

It'll soak it up and it'll.

It has to go somewhere.

Yeah, go to the bottom of the mattress.

So don't ever flip it.

Oh, yeah.

All right, go ahead.

Keep going.

Well, I guess that's the Casper wave, then the one that

holds it in the water.

You know, Casper products, they're cleverly designed to mimic humic curves, providing supportive comfort for all kinds of bodies.

Big kids, little kids, kids who ride on bikes.

You know, you spend one-third of your life sleeping, so you should be the most comfortable you can be.

And the experts at Casper work tirelessly to make a quality sleep surface that cradles your natural geometry, whatever that shape is, in all the right places.

You know, Casper offers two mattresses: there's the Wave, and then there's the Essential.

The Wave features patent-pendant premium support to mirror the natural shape of your body, while the Essential has a streamlined design at a price that won't keep you up at night.

Because, you know, a lot of us sit there and

sweat.

Yeah, sweat over where our money is because not everyone knows the exact gps coordinates of it

and how deep down it is and yeah i mean you really can't go wrong with casper with over 20 000 reviews and an average of 4.8 stars across casper amazon and google casper is becoming the internet's favorite mattress i'm surprised they're not they are they're becoming i mean in my eyes they've already arrived well i'm sure there's stuff like the you know like uh i guess we can't say

let's keep going um

and you know like like I've mentioned before, there's affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to you.

They have hassle-free returns if you're not completely satisfied.

You have a hundred-night guarantee.

Is that on here?

Yes.

You have a hundred-night guarantee risk-free sleep-on-it trial.

If you're not happy with it, you return it for free and they refund you.

It's delivered right to your door in a small how-do-the-do-that-shaped box.

And shipping and returns are free in the United States and Canada.

I mean, you owned a Casper.

you own a couple Casper mattresses.

Multiple Casper's.

Yes.

Yeah, I've always said that

my family is now a Casper family.

We will never sleep on anything but a Casper.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a strong declaration, but I stand behind it.

And underneath it and lay underneath it.

So, you know, if any of the listeners out there, they want to get 50% off a select mattress, they can go to Casper.com.

$50, not 50% off.

Okay, they can get

$50 off towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash TESD and using promo code TESD at checkout.

That's casper.com slash TESD.

And you got to use promo code TESD at checkout for $50 off select mattresses at Casper.com.

Jacqueline, please cut that

50% off line.

That'll be catastrophic for TSD and Casper.

But remember, terms and conditions apply.

So terms and conditions apply if you go to casper.com/slash TESD and use promo code TESD to get 50% off select mattresses at Casper.

And like I said, there's 100% satisfaction guarantee.

And

take it from Tom here.

You can't go wrong.

That's right.

All right.

Back to the show.

The next poem.

To call upon the next fiend in the colored cabal.

It'll never get old.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Cobalt, anguous, spitting riddles, vile and cryptic.

I call upon the fiend filled with sin and oh, so satanic.

Caveat Empor

Greetings, inferiors.

The blue baron graces you with his presence.

Solving a series of cryptic riddles is the next task towards achieving divinity as a baron.

I don't have high hopes for one of you as your abilities in the last round resembled excrement.

Just talking about you.

It seems like he wrote it ahead of time for knowing I would never do it.

Or neither of us would do it.

He didn't even know what I was going to do.

The Baron is intelligent.

Thank you.

I will give you four cryptic riddles, and the answers to the riddles are clues to an overall theme of the four answers.

This is where you will begin to blow my bugle.

Okay?

You just stole like half of my wedding proposal to whatever girl I decide to marry.

So we know what the topic is.

Seasonal thing.

Riddle number one.

Remember, it's cryptics.

A lawyer was preparing a dying man's paperwork.

He tried to release some flatulence,

but he made a big mistake.

A lawyer

was preparing

dying man's papers.

They'll never get it.

But never.

He had

released some flatulence.

Cryptic riddles.

Yeah.

He shit his pants.

Oh, yeah, toothed horn.

Blow the horns.

He shit his pants.

I'm shocked.

A lawyer was preparing a dying man's paperwork.

He tried to release some flatulence, but he made a big mistake.

Giddam, please reveal the answer to cryptic riddle number one.

Yeah, I don't get a chance to go.

No, you didn't blow it.

That's it.

It's over.

Now we reveal it.

A dying man's paperwork would be a will.

And trying to release flatulence and making a mistake is known as a shat.

So Will Shatner.

will shatner get the fuck out of here this is worse than dyslexia fuck both of you man no way but that wasn't you're right when you say they'll never get it because

why

not that we would never get it because why i didn't even know what we were trying to get well now you do the fault is that yours i should fucking know i mean specifically yours that happened 30 years ago you got a fucking chance to be a baron and you're fucking talking about bullshit not paying attention oh i get a flu shot but you didn't even tell me what type of answer i we were trying to give you what do you mean a clue to the clue.

To the main topic.

That's it called the cryptic riddle.

So wait, say, can you give the answer, like the answer?

Not the answer, but the...

The riddle one more time?

Let me break it down one more time.

Okay, a lawyer was preparing a dying man's paperwork.

Paperwork, what kind of a paperwork was you?

But you didn't even say that those were the...

That's what we were trying to do.

I thought it was like what is fucking walks with four legs, then two legs, then three legs.

That's the riddle with an answer.

This is a riddle with an answer.

This answer is Will Shatner.

Because everyone calls him Will.

William?

I get it.

I get that you've truncated it to Will.

What I don't get is

any of the rest.

I don't know if either one of you are barren material.

Yeah, probably not, but I'm just saying, like, I didn't even know that's the answer we were.

I didn't even know that's the type of answer we were going.

How did the shat come in?

I can't be responsible for fucking Dollyards.

I can't.

He tried to release some flatulence, and he made a big mistake.

Shat.

So he shot the bed.

He shot himself.

Will Shatner.

I said.

He said he shit his pants, but that was.

Yeah, but that's not Will Shatner.

That's shat, but it's not the Will and the Nerf.

But I think what Brian's saying is we didn't know what type of answer

to you didn't know.

Right, because it was never explained to us.

Well, because I asked you, I said, do you know what to do?

And you're like, yeah.

Yeah.

Answer a little bit.

Is there any fun in asking someone they might possibly get?

No.

There we go.

But now we know what

we're dealing with.

We're dealing with dyslexia.

So now they know what they're dealing with.

They're going to have to come up with another excuse as to why they didn't get it.

All right.

Same excuse, different game.

Yep, yep.

Yeah, it's completely fucking unclear as to what's going on.

Would you want to keep complaining?

I don't think I know the answer still.

I still don't know how they came to it.

Would you like to keep on complaining or dropping?

No, I doesn't really want to be a colored baron.

Please.

Riddle number two.

Mr.

Zapzik has to go through tons of red tape, and he continues to be bogged down.

I'll repeat it.

But like, am I trying to come up with the name of a celebrity?

Mr.

Zapsic has to go through tons of red tape and he continues to be bogged down.

Okay, he has to go through.

That's not a riddle.

What is it?

It's a statement.

What is the cryptic answer to those things?

Put it together.

You got to go from fucking...

It's not easy to be a baron.

It's not like you just fucking, anybody can walk up.

You got to be able to fucking think on your toes.

That's why only one one person has the chance per year.

Thank you.

Is this a chance?

It doesn't feel like one.

Oh, God.

Okay.

You've got, you're going to get a fucking hat like this.

You're going to get a cape like this.

What color?

You're going to get a necklace.

It's not going to be tongues, but it's going to be bad.

It's going to be pearls.

White.

Why?

So it will be a pearl necklace.

No, no, no.

You'll become a white baron.

And then in about a thousand years, you can graduate to a different color.

So basically, you look like Kentucky Fried Chicken Curtain.

I've been there before.

It's like the belts in punk food.

Okay, what's the riddle again?

I'm sorry.

Mr.

Zapzic has to go through tons of red tape, and he continues to be bogged down.

So, what tape?

Okay.

When he says Mr.

Zapsic, hopeless.

There's no way he's referring to Mike because no one calls him Mr.

Zapsic.

Brian Quinn has played me a tune.

Mike's mic dropped on my bugle.

Mike drop.

Mike drop.

Yeah.

Lower life?

Mike Myers.

What sick is Mike?

And when you're bogged down in red tape, you're mired.

So we are looking for celebrity names.

We're looking for celebrity names.

Well, no.

What we're looking for is these are all Halloween themes.

Like Will Shatner, it was a Will Shatner mask that Michael Myers wore.

Captain Obvious.

Yeah.

To the rescue.

Yeah.

Not when it comes down to the French.

I didn't guess Will Shatner.

All right.

Well, I got Mike right.

Yeah, but you didn't get it right.

Oh, yes, you did.

We're getting closer.

So I'll write down Mike Meyer's flank.

Mike Meyers.

Okay.

Number one, Will Shatner.

Again, you have to have control to answer what the overall theme of these answers are.

Okay.

I mean, Halloween movie.

Question three:

The Lone Ranger's horse got sick from eating fake minerals.

The Lone Ranger's horse.

The Lone Ranger's horse got sick from eating fake minerals.

Fake minerals.

The Lone Ranger's horse got sick from eating fake minerals.

Listeners, you can go out now and get a bite to eat.

Use your bathroom.

You come back, I'm sure they'll still be fucking staring at each other, telling how we're the stupid ones.

Silver, fake minerals.

Well, what are fake minerals?

Fake minerals is like fool's gold, like iron pyrite.

Oh, Brian Quinn is playing another tune on my bugle.

It's obviously silver something.

I'm not thinking of the right word for it.

Brian Quinn, please.

I need an answer.

You blue.

It is a fool's silver.

The name of the Lone Ranger's horse is

silver.

Weary 7.

Silver.

And a fake mineral.

When something's fake, it's a sham.

Another name for a mineral is rock.

Silver, sham, rock.

Hello.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

You just

Falcon words or like two, the first two is a name.

That doesn't make sense, right?

And then no, the first two are names.

The third one is.

So now the theme is broken aside from Halloween 3, obviously not what we're talking about.

Or maybe not.

So it still doesn't make any sense?

No.

Captain, obviously.

How do you promote sham rock again, please?

When something's fake, it's a sham.

Yep.

Another name for a mineral is a rock.

Sham rock.

Fake minerals.

A sham rock.

You don't know if you're supposed to break down

or break down fake.

Yes.

No, it is fucking definitely not.

A mineral is not a rock?

That wasn't a line from one of your favorite shows, Breaking Bad?

A mineral.

They're not rocks, Marie.

They're minerals.

Right.

So you're proving it fucking sounds

the opposite of what you just said.

So a rock is not a mineral.

It is a mineral.

Look at all the rocks.

They're not rocks, Marie.

They're minerals.

The example you're using.

Is a rock a mineral?

Oh my God.

You really got to look it up.

No, that's not the question.

Is a mineral a rock?

Is a rock a mineral?

They're not interchangeable, though.

Is a rock a mineral?

Yes or no?

I just need a yes or no answer.

It is.

Boom, boom, and boom.

Let's move on.

Well, no, you're definitely wrong about that.

Number two, Q is at least half right.

He just didn't get the last name.

The first one,

I can't give it to you.

I just can't.

All right.

This is the

final clue.

If no one gets this right, no one can fucking

guess on the overall theme of what the ripples are.

I don't want to.

There's no chance.

I'm hoping.

Well, if you don't, this is worth five fucking points.

Five?

That's worth one rat?

This is worth.

Well, how much was the most rat?

How much was the most vermin?

The rat was five points.

Yeah, and it's worth a rat.

If you get this right, you're right back in the game.

You should start Karen.

I better go into the story.

I'm like, yo, man, give me a rat's worth of

iced tea.

Oh, you carry it around on?

Yeah.

All right.

Can I borrow a rat?

Last clue.

Can we try to get that in?

Put that on Reddit.

Be like, yeah, people are calling $5 bills rats from now on.

Be like, yo, man,

let me rat.

Tez D.

Makes the roll takes.

Yeah.

Let's hope.

Ready for the final clue?

Yeah.

The prostitute's customer built her a house for having sex with him.

John Carpenter.

You didn't blow the wheel?

Go ahead, Chu.

John Carpenter.

All right.

Good on you, Q.

All right.

So now you have, finally, you have control of the board.

You can weigh in on the final answer to what the overall

theme of those answers were.

Right.

Is there a clue or no?

That's just putting it in the middle.

We've got fucking four of them up there.

Right, right.

Those are clues.

In case they can't read my handwriting, we have Will Shatner, Mike Myers, Silver Shamrock, and John Carpenter.

I kind of stroked out there at the end, sorry.

Austin Powers.

We're talking Halloween mask.

So your final answer is Halloween mask?

No.

Yeah.

Giddam, please reveal what the answer is.

Just got to flip it.

Show it to the camera.

The film series Halloween.

I can see by that lack of.

Well, but it seems to be a little bit more.

The silence over there seems to be staffing.

I just don't understand.

What does it say it is?

A seasonal thing?

Yeah.

A seasonal thing.

And you think a thing

is a series Halloween thing.

Is the film series Halloween?

What else would it be?

A person place or thing.

A person place or thing.

Things.

Well, this is a thing.

The film series Halloween.

Okay.

So you just took things from each movie, and it's supposed to, like John Carpenter.

Clue shorts and overall theme.

Silver Shamrock from three.

Mike Myers, is that from one or is that from all of them?

Mike Myers was the fucking name of the killer in Halloween, don't you remember?

Right.

Okay.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I met Will Shatner.

I'm sorry.

Will Shatner was the mask.

Remember he?

But did he wear that mask throughout the whole series?

Because I didn't watch the later ones.

Yeah.

I didn't watch the master.

I can't believe this.

I mean, is the camera crew as shocked at the level of...

Well, I think because they're shocked that somebody would refer to a film series as a thing.

What else would it be?

It's not a box.

Well, you're going to be like,

can you get me that thing over there?

What's that?

The Star Wars trilogy?

Like, nobody would say it.

The Star Wars box set is a thing, which contains all the movies.

The box set is a thing.

You're still in the lead, still 19 to 7?

Yep.

All right.

Cryptic riddle number two.

The psychiatrist performed fellatio on multiple patients.

The psychiatrist performed fellatio, oral sex.

Where did you get a hold of my

biography?

On multiple patients.

It's like you don't even know what because before it's like Silver Shamrock, so you don't like, am am I guessing a person?

Am I guessing?

Chuck, I would put like

some really like

stereotypical game music in here as I try to think.

You know, you can see the steam.

He doesn't even have the Baron's bugle in his hand.

It's like subconsciously he knows how bad he's going to do.

Can I get the clue one more time, please?

Yes, the psychiatrist.

In all fairness, I'm the only one who guessed one of the last ones.

I got John Carpenter, at least.

But you didn't have control of the board because you wouldn't play my bugle.

Right.

Hey, man.

Smile well on this guy.

You got a headbunch.

Psychiatrist Peter.

Question desperate to become a Baron.

He's putting his head in toilet water.

He's blowing your bugle.

That's what I want.

I'm thirsty, man.

I'm thirsty.

Mano Amano put his foot on your throat.

Yep.

Run you through

whatever it takes to fucking wear this hat.

But when you say divinity, though, I thought the Baron lived in hell.

You've always said he lived in hell.

Yeah, I come out.

I come back and forth to visit you.

But if I go to hell, then I'm like, yo, what's up, Baron?

Like, now it's like, now it's the VIP section is here.

Regular people are here.

I'm like, oh, I'm right next to you anyway, so it's a big deal.

The hell

many legs.

I don't have your hats.

And you got a tape.

And the ability to leave.

Who am I fucking Liberace or am I a Baron?

I forget what the blue Baron is.

Cryptic riddles.

Cryptic riddles.

Cryptic riddles.

You need an answer here.

The psychiatrist before fellatio on multiple patients.

Five,

four,

three.

Wait a minute.

You're too busy trying to fucking make jokes.

I thought that was jokes.

Yeah, this is all about excuse me.

I thought you were bugging time.

Oh, Brian Quinn.

He's blowing the bugle.

Dr.

Feelgood.

That's a good guess.

Trying.

What is another name for a psychiatrist?

A shrink.

A shrink.

And what's another name for Fallatio?

Bull job.

Head.

Shrunken head.

Shrunken head.

Shrunken heads.

With an S, though.

Because he gave multiple patients.

I didn't know Meandy's made thongs.

Get them.

He's like, I got my whale tail going.

Are you wearing two pairs of underwear?

No.

Man.

All right, so.

Just wondering.

Can I just ask, do you understand why it's shrunken heads?

Not at all.

I want to explain it.

Another name for a psychiatrist.

How did I get shrink?

Shrink.

Multiple patients perform fellatio.

Fallatio is head, heads.

Multiple patients.

So, yeah.

So, shrunken heads.

So, when a prostitute is like, oh my god, I can't believe how many heads I gave tonight.

I feel like that's not.

But, you know, I don't understand why you guys do this every time, no matter what we play.

It's wondering why you do.

To give you the chance to be the baron.

You don't.

They're so stuck on being in rigid, though.

You have to think

laterally.

god damn

it every time

all right i gotta be pliable

clue number two

i prefer to eat the yellow eye while receiving oral sex

all right

what's the clue again so cocky except not ironically

I prefer to eat the yellow eye while receiving oral sex.

There's no way I'm ever going to get this.

The yellow eye?

I don't even know how what I

like.

Am I doing the opposite?

I'm getting confused.

What?

Yeah, like the yellow eye the peehole.

Is this something these guys came up with and congratulated themselves for being so clever and us being so dumb?

You don't know.

Probably.

I prefer jaundice.

All right.

Yellow eye is jaundice.

You got to blow the bugle.

You can't keep your lips off that faron bugle.

It's like it just was made for my mouth.

It fits right in like a cork.

All right, Brian Quinn.

Jaundice.

Jaundice.

Yep.

I prefer to eat the yellow eye while receiving oral sex.

Jaundice?

Jaundice, a head.

When you cook an egg and you don't scramble it, what does it look like?

It looks like an eye.

Oh, good God.

And we already established that another word for oral sex is head.

Egg head.

Egg head.

No, we established that it was heads, to be fair.

So what the fuck?

So if you said egg heads, multiple people,

multiple patients, heads.

Oral sex, singular, head.

So how did we get to egg again?

Yellow eye is another name for egg.

Oh, you never heard that, kid?

Until three seconds ago?

Some waitresses use it as part of their lingo.

I don't know if you know that waitress.

Hey, Siri.

Don't eat eggs.

Are eggs called yellow eyes?

that may be beyond my abilities

yeah siri must be stupid right get him i guarantee it is i looked it up

yeah all right riddle number three i love to excite my girlfriend that's it said get them never

that's it well we know that i means egg

i love to excite my girlfriend simple this is the easiest one of all of them egg

yellow eye meant egg i see nothing on google about eggs being called yellow eyes.

It's never been done.

It's like get them entered into Urban Dictionary, and then they're like, it's true.

Yeah, they kicked it back like three times.

Wait, so can you read it one more time?

Wait a minute.

I love to excite my girlfriend.

I love to excite my girlfriend.

I still titleate.

Titleate.

Titleate.

When you excite someone, you thrill them.

And for most people, a girlfriend is a her.

Thrill her.

Thrill her.

Thriller.

There is.

But no way you expected us to get that.

How?

How is that not

right down main?

How would we explain it in this weird, convoluted way that doesn't quite make sense?

But I think it's a good idea.

But it's a riddle.

It's a riddle.

It's meant to be convoluted.

Give me the answer.

But it's meant to be like a.

When you excite someone, you thrill them.

Okay.

And most people's girlfriends are hers.

Thrill her.

So what about the whole part of it?

I love to.

That means nothing.

I love to excite my girlfriend.

That means nothing.

Right.

Not every word has a.

What the fuck?

So half the sentence doesn't matter?

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

But you're not even showing me a cigar.

We are thrillers.

To get to my girlfriend, I have to give you a complete sentence, don't I?

No.

You just can't say love to excite my girlfriend.

You can't just say excite my girlfriend.

Yeah, that wouldn't be fair.

It would actually be more fair.

It would be way more fair.

Excite my girlfriend.

Thriller.

Thriller.

Yeah.

I suspect I love to should mean something.

I love to should mean something because it's meant something in every other one.

I love to means like, because then you start to try to figure that out.

And now I don't know where in the sentence to start.

It could be the last word.

Could be all the words.

Could be the first word, and that's it.

None of the other words matter.

That's why the riddles.

They're not allowed.

They're not riddles.

Do you know what a riddle means?

Yes.

Well, I don't know.

They don't know what a rhyme means.

All right.

All right.

That makes no sense.

We've got one more shot here.

You two have embarrassed us.

Yeah, one more shot.

We've embarrassed ourselves.

Yeah.

You wrote fucking half a sentence.

That means nothing.

I prefer to eat a yellow eye while receiving oral sex.

That's the next one?

No, that was egghead.

That was egghead.

Right.

How does that

not

make sense?

How does I love to look like myself?

A yellow eye has never been uttered out of a human mouth before today.

That's one reason.

We're serious.

And two, it's just, all right.

Final riddle.

We already know where this goes.

Let's just say.

Final riddle and the chance to guess the overall theme.

Yeah.

You ready?

Okay.

Now, is that Michael Jackson's thriller?

I'm not giving you any answers.

Do not give them any more information.

What the fuck are you talking about?

That's the answer.

It's the clue.

If I already know the answer, am I allowed to?

You've got to be able to fucking

control the light boards.

Oh, I got to get control of the board.

Oh, which I'll never have.

Well, maybe you could if you blew that to one of the riddle.

I know the final answer.

137.

Instead of arguing, fucking it.

131.

If it was 137, I would have got it.

It's 131.

Start burning some of them brain cells.

Oh, I did that for years.

He's the final Homo sapien on our planet.

He's the final Homo sapien on our planet.

Yeah, it has lips been.

You want to blow your bugle so bad, bro.

You want to answer the question.

He's the final Homo sapien.

Oh,

blow the bugle before you say it.

Don't make that mistake again.

Bright eyes.

He's the final homo sapien on our planet.

Bright eyes.

Fuck you.

Now I'm trying to speak like this asshole.

I mean, it's Vincent Price.

It's definitely Vincent Price.

The final homo sapien on our planet would be the last man on earth.

Oh, the Vincent Price movie.

All right.

Oh, all right.

Are you going to give it to us?

You got it.

Have we gotten one?

No.

No points have been had on this.

No, we got John Carpenter.

That was it.

Oh, yeah, we got John Carpenter.

So we don't have a thing for it.

This is the final one.

No, I don't have a thing for you.

It's like, even though we're technically against each other, I always feel like we're against them.

Yeah, I know.

And that's why you lose all the time.

That's why you're suffering together.

You should be fucking turning the tables on him.

You should be throwing him.

If I could, if it was a ton of time, boot to the throat.

Remember, boot to the throat.

Sword to the gut.

All right, just come on.

Enough.

I have 10 jobs.

I got to get to them.

At church today,

the priest gave everyone a peck on the cheek.

You don't know where to start in the goddamn sentence.

That's the thing.

I have something that makes sense, but only

you're afraid to look foolish in front of the Baron?

No.

No.

Remember, you got to start.

You've been blowing my bugle all night.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about looking foolish.

We're good.

For naught.

For naught.

Kiss ass?

His

When there's a group of people all at the church with the priest, it's mass.

And he gave them texts on the cheek, which are kisses.

Mass a kissed.

Fuck you.

It's not even the word.

It's not even the fucking word.

What?

Massa kissed?

But that's not what he said.

Kiss is not kissed.

These were like sunkiss.

It wasn't.

It was after it was after, though.

It wasn't taking place.

It took place earlier in the day.

So it was kissed.

It's masochist.

But that's not the same.

No, but that's called kissed.

Right, it just has to sound out.

Maybe there's a noise.

You saw the spelling before.

So imperiled.

That makes total sense.

Sure does.

I think the word you guys are looking for is sadistic, not masochistic.

Write massochist down.

Masochist.

Thank you.

All right, clue number two.

I don't get it.

There were no words on the Stephen King book I ordered.

I think she.

I'm almost afraid to say it.

And these are afraid to say it.

These are self-professed Stephen King fans.

Oh, I know.

I know.

I read them all.

Oh, yeah.

So, because we like Stephen King, we're supposed to get some bullshit riddle that you two idiots fucking made up that isn't going to make sense at all.

You keep using that excuse that.

Oh, Brian Johnson's putting his lips on the bugle for the first time tonight.

Now, going by the fucking rules that have been established, I'm going to use a word that is a totally different word and means nothing like the first word.

I'm going to say empty tomb

instead of empty tomb.

Can you tell us why you thought that?

Because, uh, empty.

Explain it to us.

I'd love to hear this.

Okay.

Oh, they're so fucking condescending.

I don't want to be condescending.

If this is what being a baron, I don't want to be a baron.

They're so douchey.

Oh, yeah, literally, I don't want to be a baby.

We're fucking crying too loud.

Wait, wait, wait.

Brian Johnson doesn't want to be cutting a camera.

He keeps talking to the fucking camera.

Since when?

He keeps talking to the camera like Jerry Springer.

He's about to give his final thought.

You're like doing double takes to the fucking home audience.

Yeah.

Like me, like me, you and Giddam are all clawing at each other's hair and shit.

Steve the fucking.

Please, I want to explain it.

Steve to the security guard.

So the sentence was.

There were no words on the Stephen King book I ordered.

Okay, so no words, which would be empty.

Yeah.

Stephen King writes very big books, which could be referred to as Tomes, Empty Tomb.

It's fucking Halloween.

Like, holy shit.

Like, it...

He's kind of got something.

You've been using words that mean nothing.

You spelled kissed completely wrong.

Mass or kissed.

No, you spelled it wrong.

I didn't spell it wrong.

I just wanted you to say the word, mass, and then you were packing the cheek, mass, kiss, mass, kissed, mask, kiss, mass, kissed.

Okay, so now we're supposed to just extrapolate into like, oh, fuck this.

I'm assuming it's not empty tomb.

So tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Good assumption.

The only thing you got fucking right tonight is the fact that you assumed that was wrong.

No, I got it right.

All right.

When there's no words in a book, it's blank.

And a Stephen King book would be it.

One of his most famous books.

Blank it.

Blank it.

Thank you.

No one.

No one watching.

60 books.

No one watching this.

This is the biggest movie he's ever had.

I've seen two people get it correct.

Two people get it correct.

You said book.

You didn't say movie.

Right, but you're saying he's written 100 books.

And I'm like, yeah, but that's one of his most famous books.

I didn't pick some fucking book no one's ever heard of like Brian did.

So if we did blank Shawshank Redemption, it would have been as correct.

But it wouldn't make sense, though.

But blank it makes sense.

It's a word.

No, okay, sure.

And I didn't say a tome was the title of a book.

I'm saying a tome is regarded as like one of Declan's emails or a very

good book.

Why on earth

would you go?

You don't think your answer makes more sense than blank it?

Yeah, and so will everyone else.

Oh, I think you're wrong.

Oh, I think you're wrong.

Wait,

hammer this motherfucker.

Well, wait a minute.

Hammer him.

Wait a second.

Let me just get this straight.

Ants!

We're idiots.

The Baron calls upon you, your lower life forms.

I command you to fucking hammer him every day for a month straight that he's wrong.

Draw him pictures if you have to.

A lower life form.

I can't take this.

Let's just get to that at least.

All right.

So you know what it was, Blanket?

Could you write that down?

But be honest,

you cannot hammer me if you don't get these.

You can't be like, yeah, you are stupid.

People playing at home.

No, but

once they hear what they're feeling about,

anyone who gets something other than John Carpenter.

It makes total.

I know the ants.

They're super smart.

They know that once they heard it, they're like, oh, yeah, duh.

That makes total sense.

Okay.

They're willing to.

But once they hear you say it?

Yeah.

Well,

no.

Yes.

Nah.

Okay.

My Home Depot has the best selection of lumber.

Let's fucking go.

Come on.

You got to get one of these right.

Wait, so which.

My Home Depot has the best selection of lumber.

That's the next riddle.

My Home Depot has the best selection of lumber.

Look at the fuck on their faces.

I don't even...

My Home Depot may have nothing to do with it.

And then they're like, you're so fucking stupid.

We would have to.

And get them like, get them who came up with the bullshit.

You know what?

We're going to come up with bullshit.

And then we're going to fucking foist it on you and see how well you guys do.

And then be like, why would would we use

this shit?

Why would the word for the clue be in the clue?

It won't have the flow that this has got.

You want anybody want to blow my bugle or are we just going to sit there?

I don't know.

I think Giddam's the only one wanting to blow up the bugle.

All right.

Giddam, please reveal what this is.

What's another word for lumber?

Look at those bugle lips.

Wood.

There we go.

Ooh, very good.

Right, yeah.

And the selection at a store is known as its stock.

What stock?

My Home Depot has the best lumber.

But you didn't say anything about a fucking selection.

Fuck you, man.

What about a selection?

My Home Depot has the best selection of lumber.

You didn't say selection.

We got it on fucking tape.

I know I did.

I read it fucking three times.

I said, My Home Depot has the best lumber.

You're like, yeah.

But it's also backwards.

It would be stockwood.

My Home Depot.

Look at my fucking face.

Uh-oh.

Let's stockwood.

You got to think laterally.

Okay, Stockwood doesn't make sense unless they're talking about...

So let's reverse it because it's also fucking dyslexia.

Because Woodstock makes sense.

Just say it's dyslexia.

Woodstock.

Yeah, just says.

It's not dyslexia.

Just say it's dyslexia.

Just say it's dyslexia because it's shittier.

They will never say it dyslexic.

You've given us no rules, and we're supposed to figure out the lopping off of half a sentence, the flipping of words, or even what you fucking people mean when you talk.

I love.

He says there's no rules, and then he complains about we're breaking the rules.

No, there's no rules to break.

No rules to break.

What is there?

How many rules do you have to do?

Like when you watch a game show, are they like, we'll tell you afterwards what the rules are.

Or maybe even Doring, if you're lucky.

What first rule did I reveal after you fucking gave

that you have to swap them?

That you could be at any point in the sentence.

It could be the first half, the second half, it doesn't matter, none of it.

And then it's like, and then you're derided for your intelligence, your lack of intelligence.

Or lack thereof.

All right.

Last clue: somebody's got to get control, or else no one's going to be able to even take a guess at it.

My new diet consists of one green bean and bananas.

My new diet.

What's a new diet?

Asshole?

My new diet consists of

people!

People!

My new diet consists of one green bean and bananas.

One green bean and a banana.

I really want one of us to get it.

So my new diet, I'm going to go with fad.

Right?

No.

No, don't do it.

No, don't do it.

All right, because that's what it is.

That's what it should be and isn't.

Yeah, what's a new diet?

It's a fad.

And then one green bean.

A lima bean is a green bean.

One green bean and a banana.

Mm-hmm.

No bananas.

Bananas?

Or it doesn't matter?

Bananas.

Well, what's bananas?

Bunch.

I gave heads to so many bananas.

Bananas, bunch.

All right.

And what one green bean?

Is anybody going to blow my bugle?

That's the thing.

You give us like fucking 15 seconds to figure out shit that's so fucking good.

That was a lot longer than 15 seconds.

You've been vampa for longer than 15 seconds.

No.

Check, put a little time in there.

It's like, why create a game where it's like, I hope they're fucking never going to get it.

They're never going to get it.

I don't understand it.

And then

they've gotten one.

And they're still complaining.

I don't feel as dumb getting every answer wrong as he looks.

I mean, come on.

All right, get him.

So it's fad.

Are we at least close?

Is the fucking first word at least fad?

No, not even close.

Giddam, please reveal the final answer.

One green bean.

I wish he would reveal the final solution for you two.

One green bean would be a pee.

And when someone's bananas, they're nuts.

P nuts.

Pee nuts.

What about my new diet?

So my new diet.

Nope, nothing to do with it.

Has nothing to do with it.

It's a way to get to the clue.

No, you could just be like,

fucking mind?

You can't possibly defend that.

What are you talking about?

My new diet isn't something we should be thinking about.

Well, I need to make a sentence out of it, don't I, to deliver pee and nuts?

No.

No, you need to make a clue that fucking leads to an answer.

It did.

Okay.

No, it didn't.

So you're saying if it was just one green bean, a banana cheese.

By the way, I said lima bean, and that fits too.

Why wouldn't you be like, meet me at the urinal in the mental asylum?

And then you could be like, pee, people are nuts.

Isn't that already better?

Hey, that's not a bad cryptic riddle.

Thanks.

I might have the makings of a berry.

If you're going to get it, if you're getting it on the board, yes.

But, okay, but you knew it was a seasonal thing, right?

No.

Peanuts aren't seasonal.

Oh, is it?

Reveal what the overall fucking theme was, get him.

Wait, so we don't even get to know that.

You could have written it.

No, I would have got control of the board.

You could have written it down up there.

We couldn't, because then you would be able to see it.

Seasonal thing?

I told you what it was before.

It's a seasonal thing.

There's a lot going on, though.

Okay.

I know, and then he's going to go, I forgot to write it down.

Explain to them by number...

Clue number one.

Who's a masochist?

Tell them who's a masochist.

Charlie Brown's a masochist.

Why is he a masochist?

Duh, me.

Because

he's always trying to play football with Lucy and he knows she's going to take the ball away from him.

But he keeps on trying.

He's a bird.

All right.

Who likes a blanket?

No.

Who carries around a blanket all the time?

Linus.

Oh.

What was the name of the bird who hung around with Snoopy?

We know what it is.

We know what it is.

Oh, okay.

What is it then?

No, we know what these are.

You don't even know what the overall answer is still?

Wait, you're saying a seasonal thing?

Yeah.

Like the the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown?

Great pumpkin.

Yeah, that would have been it.

That would have been worth fucking five points.

Yeah.

It was the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

Why would you do something specific to that?

Like

how his pillowcase had holes in it, so all his fucking candy was fucked up.

Or they were giving him rocks.

Can the Blue Baron just go back to hell?

Yeah.

Bring whatever fucking answer.

Me your riddles next to you.

Just give me a fucking riddle, please.

All right.

So if I never see the blue baron again in my life, he's definitely the most annoying.

Smug as fuck.

He's fucking the worst Baron in the world.

Has the point total changed at all?

No, it's still 19 to 7.

Blue Baron is just hellish.

But you thought the Blue Baron was bad.

You thought the Blue Baron was your worst nightmare.

Yeah, I did.

Because now it's time to call upon the fiend of fiends.

The most dreaded.

The most heinous.

The most genius.

Spelled with a J.

The most genius.

Baron of all.

Your final challenge awaits.

Yeah.

With this.

you throw upon us.

Hopefully, they can read it.

Granted demon, both super and unnatural.

My soul, I offer this summon

cruising fiends of unilateral.

The wicked and pliable Baron has arrived with the last hurdle you will face.

Caveat emptor.

A hurdle that demands unilateral as well as lateral thinking.

Because before you sits the despicable Baron of depravity, the red baron, the baron of dyslexia.

We just played dyslexia.

No, you played cryptic riddles.

Oh, goodness.

I can't wait until two Halloween specials from now.

The Baron has glasses over his mask.

For every dyslexia clue you get right, a point, five points.

You know what's happening.

We're in hell.

Right.

We're not Barons.

We ever will be.

We're being tortured.

We're in hell and we're being tortured.

That's what's happening.

So every dyslexia clue you get correct awards you five points.

Is this the last game?

This is the last one.

So I won.

No, you don't.

You don't know how many clues there are.

Yeah, but I know how many we are.

You're right.

I got that's 29.

I'm not actually.

There could be 10.

There's 10, and that means there's 50 points up for Griff.

We're not going to get any points.

I love your confidence.

He says we, but he's totally discounting Brian over there.

He should.

Okay.

It's only because I've known him my entire life before me.

All right.

Blow your bluegills when you think you know the answer.

All right.

Fucking get him.

You know how to turn the sound off.

I didn't.

Fuck.

Fucking lower thing.

I know.

Thank you.

He's of no use.

He's of no use.

Have your fucking awesome t-shirt.

A green t-shirt that says lower thing.

That's pretty funny.

Thing one thing too?

Lower thing.

Lower thing.

That's funny.

Obviously, the red baron is the baron of dyslexia.

Yeah.

I have been controlling a mortal that you guys know

more fondly as Walter.

You look like

a rabbit with a sword.

I feed him all the dyslexia clues.

Oh, yeah, you're the guy?

Yeah.

He's the muse.

Dyslexia clue number one.

None solid atom.

And these are all Halloween-related fucking answers.

Are they front?

Are we going to flip them?

Would you like me to write that on the board?

Halloween theme.

Okay, they do not have to be flipped.

They're in correct order.

I'm going to give you guys a handicap.

Thank you.

Okay, what is it?

None have ever needed it more.

Thank you.

What is the clue again?

None solid atom.

Brian Johnson,

blowed my bugle.

I sucked on your bugle a little bit, and I'm ready to say all Hallows Eve.

Boom!

Five points!

Woo!

What's that?

Five points, I actually won't be.

12 to 19.

12 to 19.

12 to 19.

12 to 19.

You're right back in this, Brian Johnson.

Wow.

You are.

Hugh, you guys start taking this a lot more seriously.

You right, I do.

Yeah, don't you want to be a baron?

A white baron is on the line right here.

I want to tie so badly.

Is there a tiebreaker, or if we tie, we both get to be barons?

If there's a tiebreaker, I get to choose who wins.

There goes those random rules.

Arbitrary as fuck.

All right, what do we got?

Number two: Jay from Radio Shack.

What the fuck is the opposite of Jay?

Hold on.

No, no, no.

Come on, man.

Give us a little time.

As bad as it is, it makes it no fun.

Hold on, I might have it.

I don't know what the the opposite of Radio Shack is.

Get him.

Bob for apples.

No, it should be Microsoft assholes.

If you guys are going to go flip it, Microsoft Apple, not Radio Shack.

Radio Shack makes crappy computers.

Apple makes good computers.

Radio Shack doesn't make computers.

Yes, they did.

The TRS-80.

Otherwise known as the trash 80.

Do they still make them?

Yeah, I know.

We love them.

No, they don't.

They're out of business.

Apple is still in business.

The first trillion-dollar company was in the news.

In 1986, we were on TRS-80.

Okay, all right.

Are you not going to argue about Bob being the opposite of Jay?

I'm not arguing.

No, it's his counterpart.

To say it's an opposite?

No.

I don't know that I would say that.

I know what I would definitely say, that Apple is not the opposite of Radio Shack.

Because then I have to be like, oh, and what they're referring to are their computers from 1986.

I mean, come on.

You guys are better than this.

All right.

It used to be, anyway.

It used to be.

Halloween-related answers, though.

It's sad to watch such a magnificent team fall so low.

Yeah.

We've been watching it all night.

Yeah.

Sperm

and tumor.

All right, so the opposite of sperm.

I'm just going to work with you.

The opposite of sperm would be, let's say, egg.

Could be balls.

Could be vagina.

Yeah.

Could be ovary.

That wouldn't be Halloween-themed.

What's the tumor?

Yes.

What the fuck is the opposite of a tumor?

Sperm and tumor.

Not having a tumor is the opposite of having a tumor.

That's like

this is how the baron gets off.

Yeah.

Well, that's obvious.

It's a good thing you can't see below the table.

Looks like you were bobbing for those bloody tampons.

Lower life.

Take care of the baron for them while they stay

while they ponder

this sperm and

pretty much.

Brian was close when he said, oh.

Don't give them any fucking help.

They wouldn't give you any help.

Well, I'm giving them the answer now, so I'm mocking them.

Except I was on fire and I had a full bladder.

I'm not giving them any help except for the fucking five grand I held razor his teeth already.

So the opposite of sperm is egg.

Actually, it went to fabric to make that soup.

The opposite of egg.

And the opposite of a.

And?

The opposite of and is or.

So eggs or.

And the opposite of a cancerous growth, which is a tumor, would be a non-cancerous thing, like a cyst.

Oh, so it's a

normal cyst.

So it really has nothing to do with tumor, then.

It's the opposite with fucking tumor.

It's the opposite.

It is not the opposite.

You think a cyst is an opposite of a tumor.

Yes, yes.

Because

if I had cancer in my wrist, I would not be as bad as upset as having a cyst on my wrist.

It's a lot more.

Neither would anyone else.

It doesn't mean you're not like an opposite.

So it's benign versus malignant.

Yeah, but a lot of things are that fall into that category.

But they're not Halloween related.

Exorcist is Halloween-related.

Yeah, the word exorcist is Halloween-related, but that last little fucking clue is not.

How is it?

You can't go from tumor to cyst and be like, tumor, like cyst is the opposite of tumor.

Because one is benign and one is malignant, which isn't even necessarily true.

You can have benign.

If we want to use the word exorcist, could you come up with a better way to get an opposite?

Can you think of anything that's better than that?

Stage or your entire class could come up with something better than that.

Oh, I'd like to say that.

And that's a special needs class.

Yeah.

In case you didn't know, we need to have her at home.

We need to put too fine a point on it.

Stop.

Q.

I don't know what you're laughing about.

I don't know what you're laughing.

I'm in the lead.

You're in the lead by a hair.

That's all I need is a hair.

You laugh it all the way to the back.

Bunker of comedy.

Bunker of comedy.

So, what's the the opposite of a bunker?

A stivic?

Well, is it the bunker fish?

Because then, what's the opposite of a bunker?

Fish?

It's a seagull, maybe.

You know?

Seagulls, flock of seagulls.

Flock of seagulls were probably flying around with the birds.

It's Alfred Hitchcock.

He didn't blow the bugle.

Maybe he's joking.

And it was wrong anyway.

I was joking.

I was just totally fucking up.

All right, what is the clue again?

Bunker of comedy.

What's the opposite of of?

Right.

Yeah.

Let's go with a simple one.

Depends on what your definition of of.

It could be or, I guess.

But no, the opposite of or

was and.

Yeah, so that can't be right.

I want to Google that too while we're at it.

And or.

And or.

All right.

Treehouse of horror.

The opposite of bunker is underground.

A treehouse is above ground.

So is everything else that's above ground.

Like, how is the horse?

The opposite of comedy is horror.

And of is a.

How could you not know that, though?

The opposite of comedy is horror?

Yeah.

No, it's the bunker part.

And the of part.

What was of?

Wait, so it's bunker of comedy, treehouse of horror.

So before and and or were opposites.

Now of has no opposite.

Of does not have an opposite.

Okay.

Yeah, it doesn't.

That's my fault.

That's my badge.

But that's.

Yeah, it doesn't.

You should have known that from previous

old works like this.

No way.

We have never used an option for of.

For previous surroundings.

Ever.

Ever, ever.

Have we ever put a substitute a word for of it?

And you can go back to the table.

Why?

You played the game many times.

But I can't believe either of us think about

trauma that is dyslexia a second after we leave here, except to be like, oh my god, when's the next time we're going to have to play dyslexia?

You're wrong.

Oh, God.

Totally wrong.

Go ahead.

Be careful with the Baron's people.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

I've got 18 more in the fucking value bag.

But your hands roll over him.

We have to return those.

I have to fucking vacuum seal them later and get our Dowder 98 back.

All right, ready?

Puritanical, bottle-fed.

Puritanical, bottle-fed.

Remember, Halloween theme.

Yes, please.

Because we seem to have to remind you every three minutes.

Every other fucking clue, we have to remind them.

That's the only part that I'm clear on.

The only part.

What is this?

Puritanical.

Puritanical.

Bottle fed.

Is the opposite of bottle fed as a word or bottle unfed?

So you're not going to go.

Bottle fed has a hyphens considered one word in this clue.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Lower life.

I know you.

Why have all of a sudden you've been allowed to give fucking answers?

I feel sorry for them, and look where I am.

And I feel sorry for them.

He can still muster pity.

So, bottle-fed,

because I'm assuming that, probably incorrectly,

that the opposite of puritanical is evil, bottle-fed.

That's what I put.

Yeah, yeah,

you keep using that word.

I don't think you know what it means.

Puritanical?

Oh, wait, there's someone blowing my bugle.

Go.

Got it.

No.

Trick or treat.

Oh my God.

They're getting trick or treat.

I don't know.

Yeah, we agree.

No matter who wins.

Why?

Wait, but the opposite of puranical

is a trickster.

Is a trickster.

Trick.

And bottle-fed, you know, you're getting it shoved in your mouth, but you know what you find on your own?

Nice treat.

That's true.

Trick or treat.

It's like, this is like the affirmative action of Aaron.

One of us has to get hired.

All right.

Slutty nurse.

The opposite of puritanical is slutty.

And a baby, it's not bottle-fed, it nurses.

I thought that bottle-fed, I thought breastfed.

I didn't think nurse.

I don't like that

the slut-shaming going on by the door.

Sergeant Sanders.

Don't shaming it.

Mr.

Baron, these costumes exist.

To ignore them is not.

Huffington Post isn't doing their job.

But you said puranical, the opposite of it is slutty.

And I don't think slutty is a thing, man.

I think that that's a part of the patriarchy.

No, I don't use the word slutty, man.

I think it's empowered,

isn't it?

Yeah, empower nurse.

If you were to go online right now and type in slutty nurse costume, well, you could find anything online.

I wouldn't.

I would be ordering one for someone.

Yeah, but everything's online.

I'm just saying, I don't like it.

I think you guys are slut-shaming.

I think that you guys are slut-shaming.

We're celebrating it.

No, but by putting in your dyslexia.

You're making it the opposite of good.

Yeah.

Well, slutty.

That attitude right there.

A slut would sleep around more than a puritanical person would, right?

Well, my point is that sleeping around isn't bad, and there's no such thing as a slut.

One keeps it,

you know, on the dry side, one's all slippery.

So what's a big deal?

We don't care.

It's like

you call them a slut.

I think what Q's saying is like puritanical.

Why couldn't you use naughty?

Naughty is the same thing as slutty in some people.

It's not the opposite.

I'm telling you, slutty doesn't slow it.

Oh, yeah, but wait, so we're going on opposites now, like, endonor.

Dyslexia.

All right, next clue.

Wow, you guys really

have the internet has been scrubbed of slutty nurse costume because it's 2018.

Dull.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, there's plenty of them up in the million.

Because I was kidding, but if that shit's for real, I'm upset.

All right.

Dull shield radio shack.

Come on.

Can I lead the fucking horse to water anymore at this point?

No.

We already know what Radio Shack was the opposite of before.

So don't

Radio Shack.

Maybe.

Because it could be totally different.

Sharp Shield.

And what's your score right now?

1217.

It's 1219.

Okay, so five points.

Separate.

No, wait a minute.

Seven points.

Seven points.

You need to get.

If nobody gets this right, you need to get to get the last two then to continue.

Can you stop yelling math at me while I'm trying to figure this out?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It is what is it?

Shields?

Yeah, he needs to like, he's like, hey, it's 1217, and then goes on to explain how you can get more than this where you already have.

Look at them swallowing.

All right, what's the glue again?

Doll shield radio chef.

So, something apple.

Yeah.

I'm going to say sharp.

Something dull, sharp, sharp.

Because that's Halloween related.

Oh, Brian Prince.

Is it Razor Razorblade and Apple.

Well done.

Yes.

He may have just locked this down.

With that answer, he's locked it up.

I love you.

I'm happy for you.

But to say that sharp is not more of an opposite of dull than fucking razor blade is an opposite of dull.

Oh, you forgot.

Dull is the opposite of razor.

Shield is the opposite of blade.

How is shield?

What does that mean?

Shield is the opposite of.

A shield and a sword.

A blade.

that's your defense against the blade is the shield i'm glad you got it

i really am

because a win for one of us i feel is a win for both of us yeah feels like a win i'll drink vermin water for eternity it is done and now we accept a new baron into

two more it doesn't matter you can't catch up sure he can't have 12 and he only has 24 oh yeah i guess not well we can't even do more

everyone rewind and watch this asshole two minutes ago.

This and everything, as he talks over us, trying to fucking figure out the goddamn clues.

And then we'll see who doesn't go, Matt.

Wow.

I repeat, it is done, and now we accept a new Baron into the ranks.

Congratulations.

Sorry, Brian.

I gotta leave you behind.

Where's my vermin soup?

I want it now.

I would ask the loser of tonight's contest to read aloud the poem.

that will from here on out call upon Baron von Quinn.

So, Brian,

I know this is shameful and devastating, and it's almost humiliating for you to have to read

the poem for the guy that just bested you,

but it's like kind of rubbing your nose in it.

But that's it.

I may as well be blowing his bugle.

And then Brian will read it, and then he'll come in.

I got it all back here.

Don't, don't, don't,

the first sentence is absolutely brilliant, and he's going to appreciate it more than you know.

Yeah, well, hold on, Kim.

Hold on, don't look at it yet.

Hold on, let's move this out of the way.

Here are your pants.

Oh, awesome.

So put the pants on.

Now you notice

they're not Adidas.

You don't want to darn Adidas until you're a Baron for a little bit.

Okay.

Here's your Baron shirt.

Oh, okay, cool.

All right.

See the all-seeing eye?

Yeah, yeah, I see it.

Right.

Can we take the tag off it?

What are we going to try to return?

Actually, I didn't even notice the tag was still on there.

Your cape?

There's some clips on there.

Thank you.

Again,

you're a novice, Baron.

You'll graduate to a much nicer costume in a thousand years.

You don't have a necklace of tongues, but you do have

a winning medal.

I'm not even kidding, Q.

He gave Sage the same medal for no reason.

I'm not even kidding.

Your hat.

It's not a top hat yet.

Okay.

Okay.

To join in the celebration.

And your barren skull man.

Okay.

All right.

So you took you put that on and then

we put the hat over it.

Hold on, hold on.

Wait, because we got Brian will read the.

Okay, ready?

I can't wait to hear my poem.

Oof,

adorned in white.

Listless schlub, Ivy Beckon,

to cackle at impotent facts with no bite.

Finally, a fucking rhyme, a real one.

Welcome, Brother Baron, in training.

That's right.

While you may be a fiend of fact, for the first 1,000 years, you are in sort of a probationary period with strict rules.

Only certain facts are you allowed, and you have a daily limit of five facts a day.

Here's a list of your approved facts you will be allowed to recite.

You didn't throw the fucking confetti at him.

Notable at all.

Oh, but he does his first fact.

The choreography that these two dance is unbelievable.

It's amazing.

It's really amazing.

Shut up.

Lesser than.

Also, you don't get a thunderclap right away either when you read your facts.

Or a a real cape, you get his bath towel.

All right.

So, these are the only facts.

These are the only facts you're allowed to do.

We're going to let you do a run-through a couple, even though after this, you're only allowed to use one a day.

Okay.

But going forward, you will, since it's a celebration tonight, because you've joined the ranks, you could read a couple tonight.

12 of anything is a dozen.

Wow.

I know that.

Fact number two.

Okay.

Blue is a color.

One more.

No more confetti.

You got a thousand years of this ahead of you.

A thousand more years.

Like, throw it up at least, not right in his face.

No, don't throw it in front of you.

It'll be crazy to fucking clean up.

For the lesser.

We need one more, though.

We definitely want one more.

A square.

has four sides.

Wow.

I can't believe I lost.

How are you feeling right now, Brother Baron?

Look, I've been a probie before, and I'm a probie now.

Yeah.

Listen, I have no problem with this.

I got to spend a thousand years putting my time in.

No problem.

There's going to be a brotherhood and a camaraderie that I'll never experience.

I get to live forever?

Yeah, they treat you like a control.

They treat you.

Do you have a chance like this?

Does he get to control him?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

So Giddam has no chance of being a Baron ever?

Ever.

Wow.

I didn't know that until right now.

That is a sunny disposition for someone in your position.

But I and you can never try ever again, though, Brian.

I don't know if you realize that.

Like next year?

Oh, no.

You can't.

Yeah, you're out of it running.

Q's with you guys.

He's in Barringtown with the...

It does have its perks.

The Barons and the sex offenders.

It has its perks, Brian.

I get to mock morons at least once a year.

And the rest of the time, you're blowing his bugle.

So I don't know that it's worth it.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

The demons.

tell him Steve, Dave.

It's okay.

It's okay.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio.

Sir, only at Smodcast.com.