#381: Butthole Motorboat

Hey, it's your old buddy Brian to tell you a thing or two about this week's episode, which is the audio from the live stream we did a few weeks back.

At the end, there is a little something special as a thank you for

being understanding.

And if you weren't understanding, it's an apology.

And if you were understanding or not, any whatever.

There's a next little extra something on the end, which is a why brief few years back in LA that I did with Kevin.

And

that is it.

I'm trying to think of what else you would need to know.

That might be it.

I think that's actually it.

So yes, it's a recap.

Audio from live stream, which is not great but not super terrible.

And then the Y bry from LA.

Which is uh

I don't know an apology I guess for it taking so long And the companion photo will be on our Instagram, which is tellumants

a-n-t-s.

And uh, I believe that is it.

Look up that companion picture because you won't understand shit unless you see it.

So, what happened was this mother and daughter got brutally murdered, and her house was burnt down.

Well, now I'm hard.

What about digits that disappear?

What is sup, Walt?

It means what's up.

It's short for what's up.

No, I'm asking you what's sup.

It means what's up.

I know what it means.

I'm asking you, literally, what's up?

Tell them, Steve Dave.

All right.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell them, Steve, Dave, our very first live stream, which Q is very impressed with.

We're on?

Yeah.

You're playing Candy Crush.

I'm not playing Candy Crush.

Walt, that's a beautiful non-profile shot you've got going on, staring right into the camera.

And Christian,

our engineer hello

our engineer who doesn't know enough to talk into a mic speaking of mic

Mike and

Mike and Ming are your boss oh wait first yeah let's say hello to all our Patreon people

right which camera am I looking at I don't know this one okay that one back there hey guys this is probably going to be the least exciting live stream because it's the first one we're sort of looking you don't know what's going to happen well i mean visually

unless Unless the camera falls over, probably visually.

But we're in a, I mean, this place is gorgeous.

That's true.

Could we pan around a little bit here, Christian, to see a shared universe podcast studios?

A little tour?

Sure.

No problem.

Yeah.

Just don't go near that couch that Mike and Ming are on because

in their own house.

Yeah, this is Rada PG-13.

So you can see all the.

Hey, how do I see, can we see the comments?

Like,

can we go to the live stream or do you have to read them off to us?

Yeah,

I can put it up on the TV if you guys.

Yeah, that would be cool.

There you go.

No problem.

You get Walt's profile, right?

I've been blinking code to

the Patreon viewers.

You are?

The whole time we've been in here,

I've sent a message via,

I don't know if it was Morris code, but like how prisoners used to do it when they were.

Did you say Morris code?

Yeah.

Morris?

Morris code, right?

M-O-R-R-R.

Like Garrett Morris.

Yeah, Morris Code.

Remember like when the hostage

were in Iran.

I'm so glad everybody could see this.

Yeah, now they're not only hearing it, they're seeing him mispronounce stuff.

Morse, M-O-R-S-E.

Morse.

You're not impressed that I've been sending out messages that only Kim's reading them.

So no, we're not impressed.

Only he can decipher it.

I'm sending it in a code that nobody knows.

Morris?

I guarantee you.

I guarantee you, there's somebody who knows what I said.

Okay.

We'll see it up on the big board here.

Oh, look at us.

We're glorious.

That guy, help me.

Okay.

So,

how am I?

How can I get so I'm not in a profile?

Well, stop going back and forth like you're an ADD child.

I don't think people want to see your back.

Oh, yes, they do.

There you go.

Oh, there I go.

All right.

Oh, there you go.

That looks very natural.

Go with that.

So it's the first Patreon live stream.

But this is also recording an episode.

Recording an episode at the same time.

Okay.

The double whammy.

So the 95% of people who don't go on Patreon are going to hear this, but not see what's going on.

They're not going to see the magic of the more they're not going to know what Walt's saying in Morris Code.

He can't spend his time like this.

I mean, I hope he does

because then I would be dead wrong about it being visually interesting.

You guys don't remember that when there were hostage crises?

You may have been too young to remember when.

No, I remember it's Morse code.

M-O-R-S-E.

Well, that's what I said, didn't I?

You said Morse.

It's not like Morse code was invented in 76 or something.

Right, but do you remember when they were communicating with their families through Morse code?

They're blinking.

Morse code.

Help, I'm okay, S-OS, stuff like that.

Stuff like that, yeah.

That's what I've been doing.

Well, what have you been saying?

Yeah, what have you been tapping at?

At some point, somebody's going to crack that code, and we'll see it up there.

Christian will tell us.

Where are the comments?

Can we see the comments up there?

Okay.

Yeah, let me see.

Okay, so no, I can't.

Let me tilt it a little bit more.

I'm bringing him a little bit.

The screen.

This is where I would pay money for that screen to fall over and then do a domino into those cases.

Just all around the room.

Pictures off the wall, all that shit.

All right, here we go.

That's better.

He was blinking T-E-S-D.

Is that true, Walt?

That is not true.

You're now playing with your nipples on channel now?

Yeah, I know.

I'm trying to make sure it's shared universe is.

Yeah, he's like, don't you remember in prison when guys used to

do this and it was considered

now I'm not looking to read the comments, huh?

I'm not looking at you.

Right.

Well, we're going to talk a little bit about what it's like to be in the employee of Mike and Ming.

How did you get the job?

I,

through a friend of a friend, actually.

They texted me and was like, hey, do you want to help out Ming and Mike from Comic Book?

Man, they're doing

the studio space.

And then you were like, fuck that.

Their show got canceled.

Just don't tell them that.

But

I came down and then they just Mink threw me onto one of his podcasts just at the very last second.

I was like, okay, sure.

That's so unlike Mink to let anyone podcast with him.

Really?

Oh, come on.

You see it firsthand how selective he is.

Unless you have $20 in your hand.

But what do you do?

You come every week and record them?

Yeah, well, they have other people that come in and do podcast stuff.

I come in and I record for them when they're not available.

And that's really it.

And are you an employee?

Somebody's asking to bring the audio up a little.

Oh, Christian.

Our first complaint from David was, I say, Puente.

Puente.

Wow, 169 people?

That's pretty good.

That's not bad so far.

That's not bad, especially since I gave everyone sort of like a limited window because we're just learning this.

By next month, it's going to be

smooth,

silk.

Smooth.

Smooth as the silk.

Okay, so they said, hey, do you want to come in and maybe uh get a job and put you on a podcast, which

is essential when you're doing engineering work to

be able to talk on a podcast?

Well, primarily on Mike, Ming's texting you right now, stop talking about me.

Did you have to sign an NDA?

You're not allowed to talk about Mike and Ming and oh, completely.

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

I'm not allowed to talk about anything, but no, I uh it's really not as like super exciting as

we would have thought.

But it's still it's still pretty cool.

I've met some amazing people.

He's still going.

Oh,

he didn't realize the joke.

Oh, Walt?

No, no.

I noticed I look good with duck lips.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You should have been doing this all along.

I should have been doing it for seven years on CBM.

I should have been making duck lips the whole time.

Yeah, really, just like so, this issue of Spider-Man.

You do look good, but it makes you look heroic.

Yeah, exactly.

It makes him look like he's stroked out, like he can't change his facial expression.

No, I don't think so.

All right, well,

work the duck lips lips then.

Yeah, it's hard to keep duck lips on for a long period of time, at least for my lips.

Well,

that's why it's a real close, like, like

a selfie, and then you're out.

You don't see girls walking around with duck lips all the time, right?

Unless they're like injected with collagen.

That's what I should do.

I should look into getting some injections.

Get some big fat lips.

All right.

All right.

So it's not exciting

working for Mike and Ming.

It is.

It's interesting.

It's the people I've gotten to meet and talk to.

So not Mike and Ming.

It's the other people.

No, no, no.

Just as I suspected.

Ming tells cool stories about

just working and generally working with a comic book shop once in a while, but mainly it's not like, oh, every day I'm learning something completely new about everything that he does, but it's still.

Do you remember an example of a cool story that Ming told you of working in the comic show?

That didn't involve Mike and Ming in the same bathroom stall.

Yeah.

Or actually, if we have one of those.

Wait a minute.

I want a big, I want to hear that story.

Can we do that?

It writes itself.

Yeah, is there a story that stands out that Ming was like

school?

Yeah.

Junior, come here, let me school you.

Sit on my knee.

You're my employee.

Sit on my knee.

You want Super 8 instead?

I could do that.

Okay, well, what we do have.

for this first live stream is now the people from Patreon have been very, very supportive, right?

Yet some of them have not told significant others, like, oh, hey, I signed up.

Now, Walt, you sign up to something for $10 a month without telling your wife.

I've done it before.

Right.

And you still have one ball left, so you never did it again.

You signed up for the Lost in Space thing, you said?

Yeah, I signed up for the Columbia House Lost in Space on VHS

program in the late 90s.

Didn't think it out too much because I didn't forgot that I had them sent to my house, and my wife would see them when they arrived.

So

my plan didn't work out as well.

It was kind of uncovered rather quickly.

So nobody called Erin from Columbia House and was like, hey,

Debbie, just so you know, here's what's going to be going on.

And it's hard to cancel, too, Columbia House.

I mean, they make you, back in the day, they made you jump through hoops to cancel your membership to the CDs and the VHS clubs.

Right.

Hopefully Patreon is also just as difficult to cancel for our listeners.

More difficult, I would hope.

So, we're going to call Mikey, all right?

Now, this is his wife is Lindsay,

and she signed up for a $10 tier and did not tell him.

So, Keyo, are you ready to break it to him?

Yeah.

What's his name?

His name is Mike, or Mikey.

That's Mikey.

Ming again.

What does he want?

Does he know you're live streaming?

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

Your call can now be completed as dynamic.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

This is a fucking disaster.

This is embarrassing.

This is a disaster.

This is really embarrassing.

Can I make my apology?

Yeah, you want to make your apology while I'm figuring this out?

Do you guys want to

just do this live stream and then do a regular episode, not online?

I'm thinking maybe we should.

I wouldn't think we should release this

too long.

Well, I mean, this is Patreon only.

It's being released.

Release minute by minute.

Yeah, I think that if it's going to be so Patreon-specific and so visual and this kind of shit.

What are you talking about?

If you release this as the episode, then the people listening are like, oh, man, I missed out on seeing all that stuff.

I'm not missing out on much.

Let me do it for a few minutes.

All right, okay.

All right, what do you want to do first then?

This guy, you can't even call this guy, right?

Because his phone number doesn't need to try.

No, I mean, let me see.

Let me try one more time.

Well, what happened the first time you called it?

Okay.

Verizon Wireless.

You're calling out.

All right, fuck it.

Sorry, not happening.

You didn't call a head to find out if that was a good number?

She told me it was the number.

If somebody gives me their phone number, what am I supposed to do?

I'm supposed to call and double-check and be like, that's really your phone number, right?

Oh, wait, I'm talking to you, so I guess it fucking is.

Well, just

a live performance?

Yeah.

They don't just willy-nilly just do it.

You think that.

I've done it every single time we've ever called somebody on television, Dave.

Every single time.

What, the handful of times we've ever done?

This Lindsay.

Yeah.

And every time it worked, this Lindsey Kay person

is giving me a bum number, probably to troll us.

You've got trolls.

Well, you, not us.

I got you.

You're the one that got fell for you.

I got you.

I look like a sapsucker.

Well, at least let Q issue his apology.

Yeah, I do.

I own

an apology to an entire nation.

To the country of Haiti.

I've been listening to that audio book on George Washington.

The guy was saying Hessians.

I thought he was saying Haitians.

Oh, you weren't reading it, actually.

No, audiobook.

So I really came down on the country of Haiti.

Turns out that Hessians are German.

We already hate the Germans, right?

Because of the whole World War II thing.

So it's easy, you know.

So you have to apologize to Haiti and go after Germany.

That seems like...

I'm not going to go after Germany.

It's like apologizing to Obama and going after Trump, right?

It's very safe and easy.

Yeah, I'm not going to go after Germany.

No.

I had a good time there.

Munich was fun, even though they arrested you.

You got beat up in your tooth, knocked down, put in jail.

Yeah, but I was, you know, in my 20s.

That sort of shit's fun in your 20s.

But yeah, I mean, it turns out people on Twitter were informing me that Haiti actually helped out with the American Revolution.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know how.

I stopped reading after people informed me I was wrong

as a protective measure.

So,

hey,

can't win them all.

So, do you think

my first audio book, too, and it tripped me up, made me look like a public buffoon?

It's hard paying attention to audiobooks, though, right?

Sometimes it is, yeah.

I start thinking about other stuff.

Well, I just started thinking of Haitians like shooting down American soldiers, and my blood starts boiling.

You can't even listen.

And I can't even someone.

Now you're on the prowl for Haitians, just looking around.

Yeah, I'm all angry to get my revenge and stuff.

I got to tell you, though, just when I think I couldn't respect you more, you come up, though, and you just apologize so quickly and just take it, and you own it and I think everybody will forgive you and just

does a shared universe have branded backbones these two can borrow because

the best to do is apologize if somebody says anything.

Well the best thing to do is own it.

You got a phone number that didn't work and you're and you're yelling at us that

the phone number doesn't work.

You should have called ahead and got that number like squared away.

Is that the way you operate?

Yeah, you're worse than the Hessians, man.

A double check.

I feel like a mission.

All right, well, I got a different number.

What do you think of that?

Is it from Lindsay?

I'm going to check it live.

No, I'm not apologizing because anybody was angry.

Nobody was angry.

Okay.

Who told you first?

Somebody on Twitter, some girl on Twitter just holding it.

Oh, just because he's dopey and reactionary.

He's generally buffooner.

Right.

And the people in the audiobook were speaking English, not a certain Staten Island dialect.

It's tough for me, man.

You know, if he was speaking Staten Island, I would have known.

Yeah, you say not.

Because you wouldn't have described him as Haitians.

It's weird because you're a smart guy, so if you had thought for one second, like, wait a second, George Washington Haitians, and then Hessians really

sounds more likely.

I forgot the Hessians even existed, to be honest with you.

It's been a long time, but that's why I'm reading books.

Can I identify

your books?

Yeah, right, listening.

Well, this is my first audio book, and I'm like, oh, God, I already fucked up.

So you didn't even buy the Telumsteve Dave Fairy Retail Theater still available on Audible?

No.

Audible?

Are we just giving it away for free now?

Oh, we we are?

No, no, I don't know.

I don't think

devaluing ourselves.

But I think everybody respects a person that owns up to their mistakes and doesn't hide quickly and try to deflect and try to

never take

responsibility.

So I, again, like I said,

I didn't think my respect could grow any further, but it did tonight.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

He peaked on me a while ago, so he doesn't say that stuff to me anymore.

That's why I've never heard him say it.

Well, I've never seen you come with your tail between your legs like the way Q did tonight, which shows very honorable.

What's something that I've done that I should apologize for then?

Well, let me think, because I want to be high in your estimation, too.

Like, I can't.

If somebody gives me their phone number, I don't think to call and say, like, hey, is this really your phone number?

I just assume they give me the right phone number.

Yeah, but I guess when you're doing

retrospect, yeah.

Yeah, you should double-check and recheck that.

It's going to work.

That person's going to be home.

But they still pick up.

They just added like 10 minutes to the live stream, so my fuck-uppery is actually helpful and beneficial.

So I refuse to apologize for it.

All right.

How are the comments going?

That's what I'm bringing to the table.

It's just frozen on this shake.

Oh, God damn it.

I said some new definition of pretty good, though.

If you want Walt to like you, you better say it's your fault.

That's all my fault.

A lot of people don't like to take responsibility in 2018.

Let me tell you something.

You said it to me once a while ago, and I thought about it.

There was anyway.

If I did something wrong, there was a lot of deflection as to why it wasn't my fault.

And I thought about it, and Pam is that way.

And it made me think about it.

And like something like this, I mean, I don't think that's a huge of a deal.

But in retrospect, Pam will

refuses to take responsibility or accountability for anything.

She's a Johnson.

Anything.

Yeah, but I don't want to be like that.

You don't?

Oh, you don't?

Okay.

I didn't want to be like that.

I don't think I am.

No.

No.

I think I not only embrace but exploit my foils

so christian we don't have any current comments uh

just saying volumes kind of

volume so wait is that us we're not talking loudly enough or turn your phone to hide you this is a guy who walked in off the street and means like do you want to be a podcaster slash engineer come on in

now do you go to classes for this or like is this something you were studying i uh

i'm actually a filmmaker by trade.

What films have you made?

Go on.

I made a short film called Happy.

That did pretty well.

I just made a short film called Draw.

I won three festivals with that.

This is not shared universe festivals, right?

No, not shared universe festivals.

Just local things.

That's still

me and hopefully working on my first feature film.

But

that's still up in the air.

How old are you?

I'm 23.

Oh, God, you got so much time.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

Well, congrats, man.

Thanks.

And you're going to use your Mike and Ming connections to get into Hollywood?

I mean,

I want to just show, hey, I could do work more first and foremost before I go off and be like, hey, can you let me speak to this person?

But, like, maybe I'll take advantage of it one day.

Let me ask you this.

Somebody gives you a phone number and they're like, hey, call me later.

Do you call them ahead of time to make sure it's their number and then call them again?

If you're going to do a live podcast?

If you're going to do a live podcast, I'm going to do a live podcast.

Yeah.

Oh, bullshit.

You're just saying that because.

No, no.

Legitimately.

Why would he say that?

Everybody's like,

why would he worry about what I say?

He's never even met me before.

He doesn't even know who I am.

Because he saw the way you were like, very good, Brian Quinn.

And how he lit up.

How he fucking lit up like, wow, approval.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For a guy that gets approval all day, it just means something if Walt's like, you're all right.

Does mean something.

Walt's my friend.

I know.

You wouldn't think so after last week when he sold you out.

Yeah, that that was pretty fucked up.

You sold them out?

Oh, so fast.

Yeah, like I was barely done with a sentence before he's like, what about him?

Like, in the Holocaust, he would have been like, if you're like hiding or something.

For a crust of bread, he would have sold him out.

Are we not all equal members?

Like, so if you attack me for doing something that the other guy is doing, why wouldn't

I be like, what about an example of you not accepting responsibility for what you are doing in Translate?

I wasn't doing anything wrong, though.

You were staring through me.

I was telling that awesome real story.

I was staring right at you, trying to figure out.

I was just like, please talk to me.

This is the best overkill ever.

We're not getting a lot of comments.

Do people not care?

Who are you texting?

You're on our dime, boy.

Come on now.

How dare you?

We've got more members now than before, I see.

188.

It was at like 170 before.

Yeah.

It was at 288 before.

Like, fuck this shit.

All right, we're going to try one more time.

If this one doesn't work, then we'll

get Verizon Wireless.

You're comfortable.

Sorry, Lindsey Kay.

Sorry.

I don't know what your deal is, but we're not gonna do this anymore.

Let me ask you something.

Okay.

Is VHS still a viable?

Fuck off.

Would you say VHS is still used in the marketplace as a filmmaker who has seen other filmmakers release special edition special editions of their movies on VHS?

Would I like see if it's still like viable?

Well, no, do you think it's still viable?

People are still doing it.

So, would you say that, yes, VHS is still being released in 2018?

Like, filmmakers, like, say, Adam Green,

who made movies like Victor Crowley starring Brian Quinn.

That's coming out on a special edition.

Would you stop making the fucking gucklets and join the goddamn conversation?

Could you ask me the TV?

Could you shut the TV off?

Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, could you walk into pretty much any store and buy blank VHS?

Oh, no, you can't do that.

Okay, because that's specifically

what the bar for the bet was,

which, by the way, ended five years ago.

He's owed me a trip to Vegas forever.

I think they stopped making VHSs in like 2012.

Right.

And I think I remember like

two trips to like Target where they used to sell them.

And I just noticed where the VHS is, and they told me, oh, they legitimately stopped making them.

And it was a bit.

Yeah, it kind of felt kind of sad because that's half of my movie collection from when I was a kid.

What do you think about someone who makes a bet and then doesn't pay pay it off?

Oh, that's foul.

Foul, right?

Yeah, that's foul.

Far worse than somebody who doesn't check a phone number in advance.

Oh, obviously, much worse.

Do you remember on that same trip?

I was thinking about it today, and I haven't thought about it in the longest time.

Q and I, we, we.

Yes.

I haven't thought about the caterpillar in 10 years.

So, Q and I,

we have occasion quite often to

vacation in Key West together.

As you do.

Yeah, as you do with your friend.

And

so we're at a pool.

I don't think I ever told you this.

Well, so we're in a pool, and we go outside of the house.

People?

What's that?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a hotel pool.

And two muscle-bound dudes were tossing each other around.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so weird.

It was like really weird.

Yeah, two like real cut-strong guys, like, like horseplay and stuff.

Yeah.

So we get out of the pool and we're by our chairs, and we're drying off.

We have primo chairs, too.

You got to get there early, as you know.

You were just on a cruise.

You ever go on a cruise?

No, I've never been on a cruise.

No, if you're not there by seven o'clock in the morning on a cruise for the beach chairs by the pool, they're all gone.

They're all gone by seven in the morning.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, that is

the whitest of white people problems, right?

It's gotta be, right?

Oh, no,

I've gotten to the top deck of the pool, and there's no pool chairs.

Yeah, I've got a third-rate chair.

It's partially shaded, obstructed view of the infinity pool.

It doesn't form to my back.

I guess I've got to go eat at the 24-hour buffet.

Yeah.

Oh, only dungeness for lunch instead of king crab legs.

So anyway,

Q suddenly is like, ow!

And we look down and there's like this weird look at we, I'd never seen anything like it before.

Spiny caterpillar.

Or after.

A spiny caterpillar that looked like half caterpillar, maybe half dinosaur, like little spines and tines coming out of them, antennas and shit, you know.

And he's like, what the hell is that?

And you bled, right?

Didn't it make you bleed?

It like bit him or stung him.

What part of it?

Caterpillar?

Yeah, it was on his foot.

Yeah, like the spines went into me.

And as any good friend would do,

I was like, what the hell?

And I scooped up the caterpillar and flung him off into the caterpillar.

Was he like attached to your body?

No, no.

No, he was just like,

grab him then.

Because I don't want him to bite him again.

So I scooped him up.

Were you like numb from the waist down from the bite or something?

Problems, though.

That's the problem started developing.

You couldn't move.

No, nothing like that.

No, his toe started to hurt, and then his foot started to hurt.

Got like red and a little swollen.

Got red and swollen.

And so he's like, oh, shit.

I don't know what kind of caterpillar that was or what it could do like if we'd kept it like let's say things got worse right it could be like here's what if it had a culprit if it had a poison if it was a poisonous creature you would have some kind of poisonous caterpillar yeah that's like

it's kind of like not checking that phone number at a time frame

the good news is he felt really bad about throwing away that caterpillar did you bring it up first you're like you shouldn't have thrown that caterpillar away.

He immediately said it.

It was still in the air.

She's going, what are you doing?

Save of the world.

We needed that caterpillar.

One toe at a time.

Did you ever find out what it was?

No, no.

Went down.

But like the rest of the day was spent with me, me getting taken out.

Various stories of me getting taken out by this cute caterpillar.

Cartoon eyes.

The hungry, hungry caterpillar.

Yeah, basically.

If you're going to sit that way, you just got to to spin your mic a little bit.

These are the kind of things Christian won't tell you because he's not paying attention.

This is

all right.

Let's see.

We'll answer a comment.

How's that?

That's one of the things we were supposed to do here.

Where was 148 when you needed him?

I can't believe I was right about being an audiobook.

Dude on Reddit.

All right, let's get a good.

Can somebody send in a good comment so we can.

I thought I said it was an audiobook on the show.

Yeah, you did.

I said it on Twitter, too.

I refuse to believe that shit.

LMA Quinn, sup, boys.

What is sup, Walt?

It means what's up.

It's short for what's up.

No, I'm asking you what's up.

It means what's up.

I know what it means.

Oh.

I'm asking you, literally, what's up?

Sup.

I'm just a little nervous.

Like, say, this is the first time I've ever been in a podcast studio, first time I've ever had an engineer.

First time I'm actually watching myself talk.

It's a lot of distractions, a lot of bright lights.

You were on TV for like seven years.

Not where I saw myself on a monitor.

So now that's just

fucking you up.

It is.

like it's like if you want me to

see these great comments so we can ask

you can put them I think you could pull them up on your can you just read us a few read us a good one like something we can answer sure all right let me see what I have five

or five

How much do Mike and Ming save on air conditioning here by not having it at all?

When I walked in Q I was like Jesus Christ it's hot in here.

You think it's

a good thing now?

Oh yeah?

I'm here on a Sunday

Now, do you think Mike and Ming use that as a reason to walk around shirtless constantly?

Now, we celebrate it only because Mike called it.

He said to Ming, he said, make sure that air conditioning's

on full blast because you know Johnson is going to rag on me if it's not cold in there.

And I was like, I took note of it.

I didn't say anything, but I was like, he wouldn't go in.

And the very first thing he's going to do is rag on them when they're letting us use our studio.

He wouldn't do that.

What would he tell you?

Guess what?

He did.

I mean, that would be my guess.

Yeah.

They're the assholes.

What did you think I was going to do?

The fucking scorpion on the back of that fucking swimming animal.

Why'd you do that?

I'm a scorpion.

It's your fault.

You knew what I was when you let me on your back.

The scorpion's right.

Yeah.

The scorpion is right.

Do people look at that story?

Does anybody blame the deer?

What was it, a deer?

I thought it was

a turtle.

It was a scorpion and a turtle.

Sure, whatever.

Does anybody blame the turtle?

Some of the turtles float across and the scorpion sits on its shell.

Right.

Like, it's definitely the turtle's fault, right?

Wait, is it scorpion and the turtle?

I heard scorpion and dog.

Like, I've heard many very dogs.

Well, whatever.

Well, who's doing the most swimming?

Turtle.

But a turtle, you can't really.

You can sting him in his neck

or his tail.

But everybody blames the turtle, right?

Nobody blames a scorpion.

Well, that's the reason for the fable.

It's to teach people, like, don't scorpion and the frog.

That's it.

Scorpion and the frog.

Frog,

don't think that, whatever that is,

don't for a second buy that it's not what it is or what it says it is.

Boom, he's talking to you.

Oh, definitely.

Absolutely.

Look at all those sting marks on her.

You should see a cloud of smoke right now,

and you should never look back.

She'd like the place on fire.

It feels like it's on fire.

It's so fucking hot in here.

Why are you locking the door?

But there, you would think in this day and age that people would blame the scorpion.

Oh, yes.

Today's

classified.

The frog's a victim.

No, it's not a frog.

It's a turtle.

Well, no, it's actually the original fable is a frog and a frog.

Oh, okay.

The frog's a victim.

Yeah.

The frog's been marginalized.

Well, if the frog didn't

look in your face, I'm blind.

This is what you're missing.

The contempt.

The smugness when he breaks a point.

Poor frog.

He's just trying to get his liberal arts on.

Oh man.

I agree.

I think anybody who's like, oh my god, a scorpion is like, well then fucking pay attention because that's the way the world is.

Yeah.

No.

But

that's like painting with a broad brush every scorpion in the world though.

There may be a few scorpions that may be true and say something and live up to what they say.

If they say they're not going to sting you, there's a few that may not.

But more often than not, probably going to sting you.

You're looking like frog.

Well, the frog and the scorpion die.

Yeah.

Why does the scorpion die?

Because he drowns.

He drowns the frog.

And while they're both drowning, the frog's like, what the fuck to do that for?

If you're a true scorpion,

you're sinking under that water, watching that frog and being like, it was worth it.

Yes.

Watch the light go out in that frog.

Yeah.

You're holding your breath a little bit more than a frog.

Because the frog's paralyzed.

Then you orgasm and you die.

Yeah.

There's like a little like, and there's like a little scorpion cum shot at the surface of the water.

And they're like, damn, there goes another frog.

Walt Fronnegan.

Someone in the comments is saying, everyone requests dyslexia, live dyslexia.

Ooh, I don't think I have any live ones.

Oh, what a shame.

Dyslexia live.

It's just a lot of dyslexia live.

You're kidding me, really?

Yeah.

Is the screen name 148, 148.1, 148.2?

Let me tell you what dyslexia is.

It's a game where I say two words.

No, seriously, pay attention.

And then forget everything he says.

You have to give you the opposite meaning of a word.

So, for example,

stationary feathers.

It's a rock group.

What is it?

What's opposite of stationary?

Stationary.

Too slow.

Rolling stones.

Damn.

You fucked up.

Wait, stationary rock group?

It was a rock group.

Stationary feathers.

Feather, got it, got it, got it.

Get it?

Rolling, stationary, feathers, stones.

And everyone knows feathers is more the opposite of stones than say fur or skin or any other number of things.

Car.

I don't know.

Out of the 18080 people that are on, how many have requested dyslexia?

Quickly count live so we can burn through some of the time.

That does my heart good, man.

I love to hear that.

I wish I had brought some dyslexia.

Like, you brought 148 with you?

No, no, I don't wish that.

I don't ever wish that.

Any time away from 148 does my soul good.

Visually, he's quite appealing too.

This Chris Zuck, I can't even say your last name, man.

It says, dyslexia live would soon turn into a live mental breakdown by Q.

Q now.

I'm into it now.

I've changed my tone.

I'm now part of the cult.

You did it, huh?

Well, I mean, let's provoke you.

There's no fucking dyslexia questions.

Jesus Christ, you guys.

189 people.

Somebody come up with something good.

One person.

Where'd our comments go?

Oh, you can't.

Are we ever going to get Walt on a cruise over to the UK for some live shows slash con appearances?

What do you say, Walt?

I want to.

Your past two cruises have gone.

Mike, you want to sit down?

Hang out?

Oh, water?

Thank you, Mike.

Thank you, Gungadin.

One water.

I'm actually going to offer Jolt.

Holy shit, Jolt, huh?

This is a shared universe, not nerdist.

I don't know, three bottles of water.

Oh, man, oh, that's fun.

Yeah, we never even said broadcasting live from the shared universe studios in lovely Eaton Town, New Jersey.

Yeah, one of the first things I said shared universe podcast studios.

I didn't say Eatontown, though.

Yeah, because

you really got to pimp this place out, man.

If you're any

want to podcast in luxury, this is the place to go on podcast.

Go on to get it, Jolt.

Come back here.

Oh, Jolt.

Yeah, do you

partake in the Jolt Cola stuff here?

These guys are very into

pussified amphetamine replacements.

No, no.

No.

I don't even know what.

What drugs have you done?

This is not going to affect your job.

Don't worry.

Mike's cool.

Things not, but I have.

Do you have drug testing here, Mike?

Yeah.

Random drug testing?

He's like, no.

He's like, like, well, why'd you need all that piss?

I got enough on my own.

Thanks.

No.

No, so you don't do any kind of

testing to make sure your employees are.

He's the only employee.

Oh, he's the only employee?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, I mean, it's a little bit more.

Do you and Ming test each other for AIDS?

No, I don't have it.

You got it.

I guess you would.

And

I know your check is going to bounce again.

I can't really hear him.

Can you bring up his microphone?

No, it's turned on.

There you go.

I hear him.

William and the boss.

Oh, you're going to learn anything from the Heishi?

You're going to get a dressing down later on.

Oh, man.

It's tough.

I know.

So you hear pissing us back.

How long have you been an employee here?

About two months?

Two months?

Yeah.

Is this your first, I mean, not your first job, but is this your first job at a podcast studio?

Yes.

What kind of background checks?

I've been doing this for 30 years.

Yeah.

What kind of background checks did you guys run on Christian?

I said, Ming said, hey, I want to hire Christian.

I'm like, all right.

So there you go.

That was it.

Is it salary or is it every time he comes in, then he gets paid per podcast?

He gets paid per podcast.

Nice.

Makes sense.

Nice.

Yeah, you're losing money on this one, bro.

I sorry about that.

And I dig on

the diversity of the company.

I dig.

Yeah?

Sure, you got an answer.

Two gay guys and a black man.

Get the fuck out.

I'm sorry, this Patreon is done.

I love it.

No, Mike, I really do like the studio a lot.

This is something I would be proud of.

Cool, thank you.

Yeah, it must have taken a lot of work to get this together.

This is a great table, man.

Like a Tell him Steve Dave table that, like, where you don't like cut your arms on the shit vinyl on the edge of the poker table.

Somebody make this?

Ernie made this.

Ernie O'Donnell.

Got to give him a big shout out.

He made this table.

It's solid.

Did you think about maybe licensing the name to Ernie's gym, the sweatbox, and use it for your podcast studio?

The sweat universe, yeah.

Ernie owns a gym?

No, it's just like when I lived at my grandmother's house, when I lived at Gertie's house, I lived next door to Ernie and Ernie O'Donnell.

And they had a detached garage, and they call it the sweatbox, and all these guys would come and like work out.

Oh, whoa.

Just like those dudes who were tossing each other at the pool in Key West.

Nice.

Cool, dude.

Very sexy time.

But they're going someplace else tossing each other salads.

Yeah, salads.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

You know what?

You have to watch again Bruno.

If you haven't.

I've probably watched it in the last three years.

Have you?

Yeah.

Okay.

The Sasha Baron Cohen movie?

Yeah.

We re-watched it, man.

I was like, holy shit, I forgot the magic of this.

The ability to stay in character.

Yeah.

Through, like, I mean, he's talking to a terrorist leader.

Right.

And he's talking about

town.

He's like, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, yeah, tell me.

And you can see it in his face.

Like, that's a face that, like, I don't think I could, like, if somebody's like, act mad, I could not act that angry.

Right.

Yeah.

That's great, though, when he's looking at all those TVs.

His new show looks insane.

It's so funny, man.

Or the, yeah, the new show.

People were angry about it because Sarah Palin got tricked.

Yeah.

And because he said that he was a, I don't know, I mean, spoiler alert, whatever, but he said he was

a disabled veteran or he was a veteran, but he was a veteran, a veteran of the service.

But he's in character.

But then he said postal service.

Well, there's this whole thing, or a UPS service, United Parcel Service.

I think that's what he said.

Okay.

But the whole stolen dollar thing.

Would you stop fucking stroking yourself and making duck lips?

Fucking shit.

I've never seen anyone take ducks.

Like stages in like that.

You really are staring at yourself the entire time.

Mike, when we're at the stairs from now on, please

constantly remind me to make duck lips because it looks so much better if I don't die.

Yeah, and talk to customers in Morris code and hold a fucking mirror up all the time looking at himself.

Morris code?

Morris code, yeah.

It's a whole new thing.

You're not even.

Fuck, was I saying?

Oh, so Sarah Palin got all pissed and was like, he should donate the money from the show to veterans.

And like a couple of veterans got mad.

And of course, more people who aren't veterans got mad.

And it's like, he's, how did he steal valor?

Nobody,

except for sarah paling got tricked because as a viewer of the show it's not like a surprise where eventually you're like oh he's not

right he wasn't in the service you know right out of the gate it just shows that like liberal real liberal real conservative they're a bunch of douchebags who do not have a sense of humor oh yeah especially about themselves right you know that's very true i can't i i i i like his work i love him i i just can't

i i'm so sick of politics i can't watch the show.

It's rough, right?

Yeah, I just can't watch it.

I'm like, I just don't care anymore.

You don't care.

Every single thing, every single comic.

You know, it's like,

hey, so did you hear about this?

Trump.

What comics are you, Louisa?

Comics.

No, not fucking comic strip there, ducklips.

Go back to fucking looking like Huey Dewey and Louie.

Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful.

Comedians.

Yeah, comedians.

Stand-up comedians.

Also, so you guys can actually look at the comments live because

the link seems to not be updating immediately.

But if I

you can actually look at them directly on the phone app, it'll load live.

It'll get you like comments.

The phone app?

Yeah, for Vimeo.

If you follow that link.

How long have we been going, Christian?

You've been going for...

How long?

Much longer are you going to make duck lips for?

You only got to do this for an hour.

Oh, my life?

Okay.

We've been going for that.

We've been doing this for an hour, right?

Yeah.

We've been doing it for an hour.

We have been doing it for an hour, right?

So we're almost done.

What weren't the first 10 minutes?

like

burned?

Wasn't up your part.

You have a lack of enthusiasm already?

No, no, what?

You saw a lack of enthusiasm?

I just want to know what, you know, what?

A lack of attention.

I swear to God, I'm really surprised at how long you were staring at yourself in that monitor for.

I should have changed seats.

Yeah, next time you got a seat.

I actually think it's a word of genius.

I think he knows exactly what it is.

He knows what he's doing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The second he's like, yeah, if you could pull that monitor up and, oh, I know what I'll do.

I know what I'll do.

Tuck

Every once in a while I'll just throw a barb at Brian and make him feel bad about himself.

And the rest of the time I'll look at it.

You guys don't realize that I'm doing that like

in the case behind Brian

at the stage.

Oh, look at yourself.

Yeah.

That's what you were looking at when I was telling my story.

I was wondering why you were like,

you're one sexy alien.

We can't look up that link right now.

You can't look that up either?

No, no, I can't look at the link right now.

In the last like three minutes of the live stream, I'm like, oh, shit, we could look at comments?

Thanks a lot, Christian.

Oh, Mike, write that down.

Oh, this hypocrisy.

Oh, I'm done.

Lobbing stuff at you.

You say stuff to make me feel bad about myself.

Of course, I'm calling Ming and Mike gay, but whatever.

I missed that.

Is that how he's crying right now?

Oh, yeah, he's crying.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's the phrase for that?

Is there a scorpion and frog analogy for what he's doing right now?

No, he pops in kettles.

Hypocritical asshole, I think.

I actually wasn't listening.

I was making duck faces of myself.

It's kind of fun.

Yeah.

I think we should all just watch Walt's duckface.

Can you move that window?

I want to watch a Walt's duckface.

No problem.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Oh, Kendall Jenner, you got nothing on him.

One of the two.

I mean, my head's cut off.

I'm like $900 million.

There you go.

Now you're looking good.

One of the two, I can't remember which one, but they're saying, like, oh, she's a self-made billionaire.

She's

not.

Wait a second.

Anyone that says she is is ridiculous.

They're wrong.

Did you see that people made a GoFundMe GoFundMe for her to become a billionaire?

Because she's not technically a billionaire yet.

Why?

And people have.

Are they not our listeners?

You cheap motherfuckers.

And people are actually

not having a GoFundMe to make us billionaires shows your lack of fucking,

what is it, Moxie, Mike?

Do kids still say Moxie Christian?

They still do.

All right, I had to take a quick ad break.

Sorry about that, but again, I'm here with 148.

And as usual, you don't need 148 IQ to know that the world's most comfortable underwear

and fun

correction noted.

Well, no, it's comfortable and fun.

Is that in a talking point, or is it you're just saying that?

Okay, all right.

Since it's in a talking point, I'll let that go.

But yes, we are here to talk about Miundis, get them.

Tell the listeners about the Miyundis experience.

Well, if you've never experienced the fun and comfortable experience of wearing Miundis, listen up.

You can get incredible underwear sent to your door with Miundis.

Meaning, no more hunting around for the perfect pair at a crowded store, ripping open bags that someone else maybe had already touched

and whatever, and eventually settling for good enough.

Because you know what?

When it comes to comfort, there is no such thing as good enough.

That's why Miyundis are made with sustainably sourced material from beechwood trees.

Their naturally soft fiber makes a fabric that won't sag down or ride up.

And trust me, once you put on a pair, you'll get it.

Miundis is so sure that you'll love your first pair that if you're not happy, they'll do whatever they can to get you the right pair and keep you happy.

Now, I know you don't know about someone trying to keep you happy, Walt.

You deal with me a lot.

But if they deal with Miondis, Miondis is going to try to keep them happy.

And if they can't, you know what?

They can keep the underwear and Miyandis is going to refund them.

So it's really a risk-free offer to try the best underwear out there.

And they don't also just sell underwear.

They sell things like socks, which you gift me a pair of socks, and I have to tell you every Saturday that I wear them.

It's like I'm walking on a cloud.

It's an amazing experience.

Now, is that has something to do with

your condition that you

know that you only wear the socks on Saturday?

Like, do you have, like, if you wear them any other day, is it like stressful if you wear them on a Saturday?

I had a pair of meundis that Q gave me that I always wore on Saturday,

and they eventually started becoming Sunday underwear because they were so holy.

And so, you gave me those socks on a Saturday, and so I started wearing them every Saturday to replace those meundis.

And like I said, it's

a little insight into

the mind and how it works of 148.

But, Walt, if they're still not sure, well, Miundis and tell them Steve, Dave, has a deal for the listeners.

First-time purchases can get 50% off their first pair of Miundis and free shipping.

That's right.

That's 50% off plus free shipping and a guarantee that you and your Miundis will be very happy together.

And that's, you know, that's a very informed and educated opinion because it came from me.

So,

you know what?

They should get their butt over to meundis.com.

And it's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Myundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

And they'll get 15 off their first pair, free shippings, and 100% satisfaction guarantee if they go to meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

And terms and conditions apply in this one or no?

You know what?

Let's add terms and conditions.

Something extra for the folks.

Safety, as they call it in the industry.

industry.

CYA.

With me at these.

Oh, you are a pip.

All right.

Back to the show, everybody.

What are you doing?

I got a little kink in my shoulder.

Why don't you go?

Hey, you know what?

Walt got molested by an Asian man in the mall.

He was a masseuse, and he started like, remember?

This was a long time ago, right?

Yeah, but then he got busted.

He got arrested, you said.

Oh,

because they were doing some

legal massage.

They had some happy endings, maybe.

Whoa, the dudes?

I guess if you requested a dude, I didn't.

I just got one, but I didn't get it.

Like,

what was the story?

Well, an Asian guy did give you a hand job.

It wasn't at the mall, it was in the parking lot behind the mall.

It was right where you were sitting.

Now, exactly.

You're doing right here.

Just let's get it.

I want to get your opinion on this.

Okay.

If you're getting a massage in the mall,

why is it?

Where everyone can see?

Well, you can request a little curtain to go up.

But

if you're allowed to touch

massage every part of your body,

should it be against the law to just not massage that one spot you're not allowed to massage?

Behind the curtain, I think

they should be allowed to do whatever they want.

But is that then, quote-unquote, a sex act?

Yes,

but I also think that should be legal.

Well, what if you don't climax?

You tell the man, hey, I I can't do it.

Why if that's the only thing?

I can massage this, but if you climax, it's a crime.

Okay.

Well, then, what's the point?

Well, it still feels good, but

you just walk out with a little coach.

I think it is a crime.

I don't think it should be.

What is it based on?

Why?

Why can't you do it?

Is it just imposed morals?

Very Puritan country.

Yeah.

How did it happen?

Everyone who founded the country.

Yeah, but things don't loosen up after a while, I guess.

I think they have loosened up.

Have they loosened up?

Sure, couldn't like.

In terms of that kind of stuff?

Oh, well, definitely since Quakers and shit.

Yeah, okay.

Well, you know, there was coven ankles and shit way back in the day.

Now you could see young horse flesh everywhere.

You know, things have loosened up.

That's true.

Would it bother you, Walt, if, like, say there was a massage parlor, they were given happy endings.

They were like, it was a building kind of like separate from other buildings.

Yeah, I would never go into that.

I'm not saying you would go in, but would it bother you that it existed?

I I wouldn't go in either.

No, no, no.

But let's say I was going to the mall.

That's where I get my massages because I feel like it's a safe environment.

You think it would be dangerous?

But I think it would be awkward, though, if all of a sudden, you know, the guy was like,

I would have to have that conversation.

No, I don't want you to do that, or I do want you to do that.

You know, that would be awkward.

A professional mass.

Well, that would be the.

And think about the masseuse, too.

Now, all of a sudden, now that's common.

Now they have to do that.

And if they don't, they're going to lose.

Well, they don't have to.

They're going to lose business, though, if they don't.

They'll get a different, they'll they'll they'll hire somebody that will.

No, because I would only want to go to places that weren't happy handling joints.

Oh, you would, yeah, but you could choose not to have one, though, and still get a good massage.

Yeah, but she's probably got the like the previous dude's come all over her head.

She would probably wear gloves, though.

You don't know, man.

I was

like winter gloves.

I was in one, I was in a rub and tug in Atlantic City, yeah,

and I was in the I got fired.

Yeah,

did you make that up?

No, no, that's true.

Rub and tug?

That's good.

Oh, you never heard that before?

No, I've never heard of that.

Yeah.

Yeah, rub and tug.

My buddy got one, and I was sitting in the lobby, and I was.

Sal, hurry up.

Yeah.

I was just, I feel there's no way there's not cameras in those rooms recording every

scintillating tug.

How

long does that take, though?

I think it was in there like 15, 15 minutes or so.

There was just an Asian woman at the register, and I think she spoke English, and it was like a half-filled fish tank.

But if you go in, like, let's say you go in, right?

And it's like,

here are the prices, and flat out, it would say, like, here are the add-ons, massage is this much.

Yeah.

Then bang, bang, bang, happy ending.

So, like, the price you pay, you don't even have to have that conversation with, for whatever reason in your world, it's a guy.

I keep saying that.

Well, I don't want to say because it's like, you don't think that for a minute there's not going to be guys that want another guy to give them some?

No, there are, but I didn't think you were one of them.

You keep saying in your example that, like, my guy, my guy.

Because I found that the guys usually can get more of the kinks out.

Stronger hands?

Yeah, I don't want to say not all.

You want to be sexist?

Right.

I don't have a problem with it, though.

If somebody wants to do it,

there's too many restrictions on everything.

Everybody's telling you what to do.

But like I said, don't smoke this.

Don't drink that.

Don't tug this.

But what if you just said you can do it, but you just have to tap out before you finish?

You have to tell them it's your responsibility to be like, I'm close, stop.

What kind of sadistic motherfucker goes in and pays for that shit?

Yeah.

But that would be, that would, I would think that would make it legal, though.

I don't think so.

Why can't you, why is it okay?

You care if it was legal at that point.

Rub your forearm,

rub your thigh.

Well, because your forearm's not a sex organ.

Okay, so that's it.

It's a sex organ.

What about the other?

What if he flips you over and stimulates the.

He's brown?

Oh, he's like,

well, he's just doing a little thing down there.

Is that also a sex organ?

Because it really isn't, is it?

I think that's not illegal.

It's not illegal.

You can give a button massage.

I believe he's.

Is this true, Christian?

Yeah.

Really?

He's full of shit.

I don't know.

I'm hypothesizing.

But you can definitely get your teeth.

No, no, no.

You can get your.

So you can get your pounded jeeps.

You can get your gluteus maximum.

Sure.

Yeah, because you could get kinks in them.

So if you just stray over an inch, depending on the buttocks, it may be a bit more than an inch.

Like if 148's on the table, it's like

a foot.

Eight to twelve inches.

And if he strays over an inch or two to the middle.

This is fallacy.

No massages is going near that fucking

good as just as good.

No one ain't as anyone else's.

No one ain't.

He dug it up an hour before I got there.

It's not as green as anyone else's.

It's a little brown.

So you would say if you move over just an inch, it would be illegal, though.

I think it'll be tough to make that illegal.

Can you,

what about digits that disappear?

In an asshole?

Well, I'm trying to be...

I'm not trying to be so vulgar.

I'm trying to paint it.

Right.

I think it was so raw.

Both sides are.

Damn.

But it's an asshole.

What are you fucking trying to dress it up for?

You can put all the makeup you want on it.

It's still an asshole.

Trying to make it sound like that.

And people that are into that like that it's an asshole.

They don't want candles and

dirty songs.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Do it.

You don't like dirty talk?

Do it.

Put it in.

Just saying it.

Nothing you guys know.

But you're masseuse.

Am I masseuse?

He's good.

What else?

What else is on the list of things?

See, that's one of the things, though, what you said earlier, where you were like...

The far left and the far right are both assholes.

They definitely are.

Because the whole massage rubbing dug thing, if it was up to to the uh to the left that'd be legal they'd be like you can't punish sex workers you gotta do it so it's the right being like no

but you can't punish sex workers but then there would be somebody who's like well they're being exploited and

the left would find the problem with the problem no but that's that's a fucking sticky wicket even for the left because they can't because then you're saying that women don't have a choice that those women's opinions and those women's choices for their own life fine i'll give them agency

right exactly That's that's you know, so they would run into that.

So it's definitely the right that are like, no, right.

You could say they go after prostitutes and not the Johns, but the law enforcement.

They went after Stormy Daniels recently for just giving a simple motorboat.

Oh, it's so silly.

I guess that's not allowed, Walt.

I don't know what that is.

A butthole motorboat?

Yeah, a butthole motorboat.

No, just like, I guess, like, she put her, the guy's face in her titties and, like, you know, it's like, like a Bronsky type thing, you know.

And

somebody saw it, or the guy was an undercover cop, some some bullshit, and Stormy Davis got arrested.

And then it's like, oh, it's a conspiracy.

Trump had her arrested, blah, blah, blah.

It's like, so, wait a second, so Trump's interested in getting people busted with misdemeanors?

That seems

like a.

I actually couldn't believe that.

I mean, I was going to say, I actually.

You think he'd be that petty?

No, he wouldn't want to get her with a felony.

Oh, my God.

Like, a misdemeanor is going to be like a ticket.

It's not going to be a big deal.

I'm surprised she didn't walk the straight and narrow, knowing, you know, that, like, you know what?

People are out for her.

Yeah.

I'm surprised she didn't, like, you know, make sure that, like, she crossed every T and dotted every I.

You're about honor.

If someone signs a contract, Walt,

and they're like, I'm not going to talk about this, and I've accepted money to not talk about this.

And then they talk about it.

It's a shitheel move.

Would you agree?

Well, you agreed to the conditions, and so I do feel like you're

not honorable to break a contract.

Right.

I don't recall.

I'm sure if I look back in my history, I'm sure I've done it.

I've broken a contract.

Oh, you've done it by a proxy.

I I was a part of it.

And what was that?

Many, many years ago, when Walt was searching for the biggest discount he could get from a comic book store,

I had to call this guy in Long Branch and negotiate over the phone for, like, I think it was 30%.

Yeah.

And ordered all these comics, tons of comics.

And then he's like, wait, I got 35% somewhere else.

And it didn't matter that the 5% he would drive to fucking Timbuktu to get that.

Losing money and gas and time meant nothing to him.

It was just the, you know, how people compartmentalize.

I do it all the time.

So the guy is then on the hook for two months' worth of books, and it was a lot of shit.

You ordered a lot of shit back then.

Now he's on my ass.

That guy went out of business pretty quickly after that.

Yeah, I will, I have to issue an apology, you know, just like you stood up and took the heat.

I have to also now stand up and I did.

I broke that.

I would like to fall on the sword of youth because I was younger when I did that.

I wouldn't do that today, but you know what?

There's no excuse.

I did it.

I'm sorry.

And I hope to, I think I've learned from it, and it won't ever happen again.

I've never respected you so much.

Everyone's gotten respect.

Even Christian, who was here during the live stream, like off mic, Walt respected him

because he was like, I admit it.

You might be the only one that's not.

I really want something to admit to.

I'm trying to think of something.

Well, you refuse.

You refuse to act in a manner that would garner you respect.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess I just don't care about respect that much.

I'd rather.

I'm not afraid of men.

That's all right.

Be yourself.

I gotta.

Oh, you know what we did, Walt?

I wish you were there.

It was very cool.

The Staten Island Museum had been practical jokers exhibit.

I heard about this.

Yeah.

And

I went with Q and the guys, and there was a little parade, some pomp and circumstance.

No ticker tape?

No ticker tape.

A Canyon of Heroes

level of parade when the Yankees went a World Series.

It was toilet paper blowing off the dump all over you.

Snow, though, a parade.

Did you ever think that you would ever be

in the carriage of the person that, like, they're throwing a parade for you, specifically, you, for no other reason.

Parade in your honor.

That's got to make you go like

a bunch of assholes.

assholes.

You guys have nothing better to do?

No,

it was pretty nice.

I don't often get moved by things,

but

I got into this one.

Well, you had a big hand in it, too.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't have to pay for the parade, did you?

You paid for the whole thing off.

He hired the marching band and all out of your pocket.

He hired all the spectators.

It's like the George Soros of Impractical Jokes.

Did you ever pinch yourself and go, I can't believe my life?

No.

No.

He says, I can't believe my life a lot, but not

come on man.

You know what people would

love to have a parade in their honor?

I know, but I feel like the comic book man one is just around the corner.

If we just hold out long enough, do you think it would have happened by now?

No, I mean, if we had lasted one more season,

we'd be right down Broad Street.

I think it would have been.

We could hardly get the right to shoot for an hour and like block off like, you know, maybe 100 feet of space.

A parade?

I don't know.

Ticker tape would have been nice, though.

I'll throw some ticker tape at you guys if you want.

Was it that difficult to film in Red Bank?

I just think we didn't have that much clout.

It took a lot of doing, right, to get anything.

Well,

it took you had to grease the wheels, Christian.

I don't know if you know.

Yeah, you're not involved in that.

You're a young man.

I don't know if you know the way the world works.

The ugly side.

We wanted to.

With the New Jersey Film Commission and all that.

We wanted to shoot something in the Staten Island Zoo.

And they turned this down, but rudely and dismissively turned this down.

So we're shooting at a zoo in New Jersey now.

Which zoo?

Jersey Rocks?

turtle turtle back turtleback

yeah we shot there before but we uh but we were like i was like call staten island zoo like you know we want to do we want to promote staten island we want to promote the local zoo and the my locations guy hopper was like he was out now rude to me

why do you think weird man i can figure it out staten island's favorite sons i don't get it that fucking pizzeria that was on the show they they get people all the time every day people come in q and i stopped by that pizzeria they're like where's q where's q i'm just like i'm his errand boy.

What do you want from me?

I'm picking up the order.

But to promote the zoo and like in a positive light and stuff like that, we've never.

It makes no sense.

Unless that lady is a hater.

She's definitely drinking some hater aid because apparently she was kind of mean, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Not just no, but like, fuck no.

Basically, like, fuck no.

Yeah, very dismissive.

So what zoo am I not going to anymore?

Well, it's the Staten Island Zoo, which I love.

Which I love the Staten Island Zoo.

I can't hold it responsible for her.

How's it compared to the Bronx Bronx Zoo?

Well, it's way smaller, but

what kind of animals are in the Staten Island Zoo?

In terms of quality,

it's right up there.

Do you guys have any exotic animals in the Staten Island Zoo?

Sometimes they've had tigers and lions.

Oh, so

you got the big boys.

Oh, yeah.

It's really like it's top-notch.

Just raccoons walking around during daylight.

No, no, not at all.

It's a real-deal zoo.

It's great.

With hyper-dark needles.

I was like, isn't it a porcupine or a raccoon?

raccoon?

This is a drunk tag.

Either way, this doesn't look good.

A drunk jacket.

And then after the parade, they went up and somebody, you talked to somebody.

I couldn't really see it.

It was kind of like on the side.

Oh,

the Staten Island

Borough President's Office made that day Practical Joker's Day.

Not like you buy it online.

It's officially in the government books as Impractical Joker's Day on Staten Island.

Is that a paid day off, like for government employees?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

What was the official date?

So, every year it's in Practical Joker's Day?

The 12th, yeah.

The 12th of July.

On Staten Island.

We should do something.

The rest of the world doesn't have to.

But special on July 12th next year.

I agree.

Let's do it.

Get all the compete with it.

No, no, no, to commemorate it.

To celebrate it.

To celebrate.

Have people post the best pranks with their friends and they get some sort of.

Oh, I like that.

They get some sort of fun little bit.

You don't want the attention on me, not on other people.

Yeah, I know.

But I was at the museum this morning.

I had to go there for something.

And

there was a good crowd.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'll tell you what impressed me.

It's a very cool,

I'm not lying.

Like looking at some of the stuff and looking at you guys and like being friends with you guys for so long, it was like a little bit of a tingly chill.

Like, holy shit.

Like, this is amazing.

Like, all the stuff that Ambergio wrote and you wrote, like, all the, and like just the props and all the

great timeline was very cool.

But the thing that impressed me the most was like when you see in a real museum, like a Rembrandt, it's like, oh, it's on loan from this collection.

Some of the props were on loan from the Brian Quinn collection, Star Magazine.

They have my wig in a climate-controlled box, you know how they do it.

Really?

So they're treating it with the respect it deserves.

100%.

100%.

The best part of the night was, though.

They throw out George Washington's powdered wig and put yours in there.

Fuck that shit.

Yeah, get it out of here.

This is way more important.

Yeah, nobody cares about the Washington-Haitian War anymore.

The absolute best part of the night, though, was at a certain point

we all went upstairs and they directed Q and I to a room, a couple other people,

and

they brought these appetizers.

Four appetizers.

Plated appetizers.

Plated appetizers.

Little lettuce and shrimp, very fancy, like you would see in

an upscale restaurant.

So we ate that shit.

And only then did we discover that there were only four plates and they were meant for the jokers.

So Q had his.

You ate the other three?

Yeah, I ate three plates.

I was like, holy shit, this is good.

No, the,

yeah, I ate sales.

I mean, if the other three were for the guys, I would have liked to claim sales.

So I ate sales.

The other two people ate Joe's and Mary's.

And to me, that was the sweetest shrimp I ever ate.

Was Sal realizing like, that was for me.

and me realizing like that was for you yeah it does you can tell it low level bothered them that was fantastic they tried to join

they just came in off a parade and they're still that would still harsh their buzz well because they were hungry

yeah it wasn't a pride thing they were like we're hungry where's the food yeah and but nobody said anything they're like here they just gave it to me so I was like thanks it was pretty funny

the exhibit is cool so if

it's open for a long time yeah nine months March 2019

Were you just pop in occasionally just to surprise some of the

people today?

That's me.

My plan is to occasionally go there and sit behind the velvet rope as if I'm an exhibit or just read a book.

Yeah,

or should just pretend to be the night watchman.

That'd be fun.

Actually, there's something cool going on because originally there was a map of Staten Island.

Remember the thing that's on my wall, the painter's tape in my house?

Oh, this is you should see this guy's house.

Like, how much money do you have again?

This map of Staten Island cockeyed with that blue painter's tape just like hung up haphazardly.

Like, if it was on my wall, it would look straight.

His wall, I'm like, what the fuck?

And my whole house is not.

Don't you live, haven't you lived in Staten Island your whole life?

Yeah.

So, why the fuck do you need a map?

Because what they want you, no, not that they wanted like a road map.

It was a map.

It was a cell phone taped to the wall with Ways on it.

It was a map, and I had a bunch of notes on it and whatnot because they wanted me to do Brian Quinn Staten Island, put that map on the wall with like I would write little bits about Staten Island, like my own memories.

And I submitted my writing and they were like, This is they're like, this is actually too good.

We don't want to use it in the museum.

We want you to write like more and publish it as a book through the museum.

So because apparently this guy in the 1800s, whatever his name was, Tom Ashford, right?

That's not his name, but whatever, Tom Ashford Staten Island.

And he did that and they want to publish part two 150 years later with

my thing through the museums on.

When's that coming out?

Well, I got to do it.

So that probably like you know, next year.

It wasn't that hard.

It was actually fun.

I'd like to read that.

Yeah.

Your thoughts on different locations.

And like, so we'll read the Tom Ash guys.

Sure.

How different we're buying queens.

I don't know, but I would like to compare Thomas Ashe's experience on Staten Island versus 2018 man.

Well, there was a Staten Island witch, Walt.

There was a witch.

There was a woman.

I'm not going to, i'm gonna try and tell her without looking up her name was polly something

no she this isn't a maddie depoor fucking story is it no no no this is true you can look this up if you tried to stand on a witch it'll come right up and edgar allan poe is involved in the story and as is uh p.t barnum

so

so what happened was this mother and daughter uh got brutally murdered and her house was burnt down well now i'm horrible with the bodies in it and they

play the overkill real quick jaysarge oh should i say i should say this for overkill No, no, no, it'd be great just to throw an overkill music in when,

like, when Q says, when we decide we're going to hear it, let's drop in some overkill.

All right, go.

Okay, so

this mother and daughter died, brutally murdered, and then burned down in a house.

Their bodies were burned to cover up the murder.

And they accused her sister-in-law, whose house is right next door, of being the one who murdered them.

I forget the details why they thought she did it.

And everybody accused her of being a witch and that they killed, she killed her sister-in-law and her niece in some sort of weird occult thing.

And she went on trial three times for being a witch.

And the third time she was finally

acquitted.

What is it?

When you

what year are we talking about?

This is two years ago.

Well, Edgar Allan Poe was still alive, and so was P.T.

Barnum.

So the early 1900s?

Yeah, I think so.

Late 1800s.

Late 1800s, early 1900s.

And Edgar Allan Poe wrote a thing backing the theory that she was a witch.

Really?

And said that this woman from Staten Island is a witch.

And P.T.

Barnum made a wax figure of her and put him in his museum and made her, even though she was kind of like in her 40s and pretty, made her this old crone

and like fucking like hunched over like evil crone.

And that did more for public opinion against her than any facts.

And she said at her trial, she's like, if anybody's a criminal here, it's P.T.

Barnum.

Like, he fucked me over.

He made me look like this witch.

Anyway, the third time she finally got off.

Isn't there double jeopardy?

Well, no, no, I think she was she was like convicted, and she kept going back.

And I may have the details, I haven't looked this up again.

And

her house is still standing.

Like, it's still, it's still a thing.

The house that we're burnt down, there's a Perkins on the spot now on Staten Island, and where the murder took place.

And then right across the street from the Perkins, which was next door to this house, the witch's house is still there.

And the witch, the niece, and the daughter are all buried on the cemetery on Staten Island.

So little things like that go on.

And

how come you've never thought to bring that to over?

No, I only found that when I started doing research on the show.

This wasn't something you heard about as a kid?

No.

So how long?

Did you have eaten at Perkins yet?

I've eaten that Perkins many times in my life, but not anything.

Did you feel any kind of feeling?

Is that the Perkins we ate at that time?

No, no, it was a different one.

You would think it was the Twilight Zone.

No, usually when I eat at that Perkins, when I did eat there, it was like three in the morning.

Ever get sick after?

I mean, it was the alcohol I drank

that was before I had those flapjacks.

Yeah, so there you go.

So stuff like that will be in the book.

So

you'll share that as, like, how would you put that into your book?

How would you put that into your words?

Well, I would be like, can you guys believe this shit?

Like, I didn't know this about Staten Island.

You used that exactly.

Every chapter, can you believe this?

Sharing this shit part for?

Yeah, it would be something like

that.

I thought it was more personal experiences for you.

It is, but it would be about me finding out about that while I was researching Staten Island.

A lot of it is stuff that I've done and where I've done it and stuff like that.

The cool thing about the museum, too, is that it was in the early 1800s, it was a rest home for retired sailors.

Called Snug Harbor.

Called Snug Harbor.

It was a retirement home for sailors.

Really?

Yeah.

Wonder why we don't do that in this day and age anymore.

Why come there's not retirement homes just for sailors anymore?

I don't know.

I mean, is there really a sailor

in the the Union and stuff like that now?

Yeah, or are you talking about the Merchant Marine or the Navy?

These guys seem to be sort of like independent contractors.

What the fuck else am I going to do?

I guess I'll be a sailor.

And I guess you sail around for a while.

You don't save your money because you're drinking, carousing, getting happy endings.

The buildings in Stuck Harbor is gorgeous.

When did they close the home for sailors?

That's a good question.

I guess

I help on the book.

Yeah.

I'll just ask you questions so you can shut up on your phone.

Do you think you'll feel pressure from the museum, the curator of the museum, to maybe put some personal dirt in there,

some scandalous stuff, like a little Madonna stuff in there?

You know, that like

some selling that's on brand with the Stem Ellen Museum.

All right, Snug Harbor, 83 acres.

Wow, that's crazy.

I didn't realize that.

26 buildings.

When was it over?

20 settlers were it, dude?

It is huge.

Within 1833.

There were three fireplaces in this one, they call it the great room.

It's massive, like these giant windows and shit.

What do they do with that facility now?

Well, the museum's in there.

Standard museum's in there.

There's like a lot of people.

They must have events in that room that they were in, right?

Yeah, there's events like weddings and stuff like that.

There's like a little theater in there.

They do shows, but a lot of the buildings are just standing empty.

These gorgeous buildings that they just.

I wonder how many sailors died in here.

Oh, dude, so many.

Oh, diseases that are so easily curable today.

I mean, look at it.

There's stuff like that building.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Just like a castle.

I didn't know Staten Island had such a rich history.

Oh, yeah, man.

You got to read the book.

We could do Tokyo Dave for the next hundred years, and both of us would be like, what?

Like, anytime he says something, that's those buildings.

Trolling us knowing goddamn well.

Yeah.

What was it, Kraken Bill?

Yeah, all right.

So, so, so, so, on the, they have these pictures on the wall of all these sailors from back then.

So me and Brian got obsessed with a TV show or a web series called Snug Harbor about these old sailors that lived there.

And like we just started riffing on characters and stuff like that.

And our favorite was Kraken Bill.

Yeah, a guy who was like, saw Kraken once, and they're like, okay, sure you did.

It's just his line of bullshit.

And yeah, we're trying to like...

animated or live action.

I think it could probably work.

It could work.

All these stories of these old fucking weird sailors, because it wasn't even about the, like, it could be like Kraken Bill's telling a story, and then it goes into the story.

So it's like.

He's a young Kraken Bill.

Right.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Not the withered, defeated, about to die.

You know, you better get that fucking Twitter account, Kraken Bill, right now, my friends.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll get it tonight.

This won't be out until December.

Okay.

Did you see this?

No.

This just happened in,

where was it?

Sorry, I heard this story.

It's a guy who goes to like sort of a council meeting.

Oh, it's in Kansas City.

Legalize happy ending massages.

Lawrence Mann urges counsel and his passion is praised.

So it's a guy who went to a council meeting and said, hey,

why can't you,

if you're going to massage every part of the body, why can't you massage that part?

And it's this dude right here.

If licenses and regulations help stop sex trafficking, then if Kansas truly wanted to put an end to sex slavery, shouldn't they allow grown adults to engage in prostitution legally and then regulate and license that?

When you ban something outright, that forces what you ban onto the black market.

And the black market is where shady stuff starts happening.

Case in point, many years ago, my friend came over with some marijuana and we smoked it.

Okay, so you get the idea, right?

So that has nothing to do with massages, though.

That's right.

No, it has everything to do with massages.

How do I fucking pause this?

Hold on.

I'll just turn the volume down.

So it's not the internet at the store.

You just cannot work any kind of electronic.

No, come on.

Back me up here.

The internet at the store sucks.

It's fucking Stone Age.

No, it's not pretty good.

Do you ever have problems?

I've never had problems.

I wouldn't pause it.

Can I show you how you

can be at least touching a device of any kind?

Just this manic, like, stressed out, like...

It's a hair mauling a salmon.

Right?

I mean, it's weird.

It sounds good.

Like he's like he's a little bit more.

Do you worry that there's some sort of mechanical

something going on?

You like my

motor skills?

Or too jittery?

I don't know.

I never had five motor skills.

As a child, I did not crawl.

Did you know that?

I only started walking.

I never crawled as a child.

You went from

on your back

to walking.

Yeah.

That's exactly the way it walked.

The fact that he never learned the lesson you have to crawl before you walk.

Oh, yeah.

That's why I'm a scorpion, baby.

All right, with that being said, we're gonna go ahead and get this thing started

and bring up the men of the hour.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for why Bry.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith and Brian Johnson.

Y Bry Live.

All right, man.

Thanks for coming out.

Welcome to Y Bry.

I'm Kevin Smith.

Brian Johnson.

Hey, everybody.

This is kind of cool, man.

We got a nice little small crowd and stuff, enough to just fill the bottom floor of the Love It's and it calls to mind the Smodcastle crowds that we started building the live shows in front of, like when we started Hollywood Babylon.

It was at this little 46-seat theater I had on Santa Monica Boulevard.

We did Hollywood Babylon there.

We did Jane Salembob Gittel there.

And I always wanted to do something with you there, but you lived on the other side of the country.

So tonight kind of takes me back to then, to that like a year and a half ago, where I was like, Man, if Brian was here, we could do fucking shows all the time.

So I don't know, this is real special for me.

Thanks, everybody, for coming out.

It's a very

experimental show at this point.

We're still trying to figure out if we got a show.

We want to see if we can go out on the road and do something together.

You know, I can't take Brian into Smodcast without being like, fuck off, Mojer.

And I can't

take him on to Jay and Son, Bob, get old.

There's already one train wreck on that show.

So

the litmus test.

If they can stomach me, then there's a chance.

I think so.

I think it's kind of like that.

So this is more about, like, let's figure out, like, do we have a beginning, middle, end, how does it work and stuff.

So bear with us.

It's not like a well-oiled machine.

You paid fucking $10.

I mean, what do you want?

That's the simple and succinct way of putting it, cutting right through the chaffa, as Bruce Williams would say.

Okay, man, but that's kind of what we're going to do.

And we'll feel ourselves around.

We'll do this for about an hour and stuff.

And if it gets bored, you'd be like, This fucking blows, move on and shit.

And we will.

It's that kind of night.

It's cool.

We're rolling, we're shooting.

This is going to be smodcast this week, so you can all hear it in about two hours when we're done and stuff.

If we go along enough, they'll actually be listening to it as we're out here.

Let me ask you a question, man.

You just were here the other night for your Lovett's debut for Space Monkeys, correct?

Yeah, I was.

Polka stopped.

What's up?

Is this the way we do it?

Yeah, work it.

Is this the way we do it?

Get right into it, man.

Fist that shit.

You're in Los Angeles.

Put a dick in your face.

How was this with Never Flying Jersey?

To this picture.

It was good.

Was there anybody here tonight that was here?

Oh, okay.

And that was you and Brian Quinn, who you're on Tell Em Steve Dave with, and then Brian Quinn and Sal Volcano are on

Impractical Jokers.

So it's kind of two,

the boy from

the bearded boy from Comic Book Men and the two fucking rap scallions from

Impractical Jokers

going out and speaking on the stage.

It was cool.

The place was fucking sold out.

It was packed.

You guys sold out like almost within a week of going on sale, if not only four days or something.

How was it?

How was the whole thing?

I was here for the intro.

How was the whole show?

Oh, it's two different questions.

How was it and how was the whole thing?

Because if you were here, you know that as you know, Quinn came out with a beer, and then the next order is, four Jamesons.

Give me two more beers.

And then he has his mic, and he's running around over there, and he's eating chips off of somebody's plate, and he's yelling to girls up there.

So

it was, okay, here's like the first minute, and then it peaked, and then

like

two hours later, people were like, what the fuck, man?

Space monkeys indeed.

Yeah, really.

What was the, but how do you, what do you do in a moment like that?

Do you steer the ship or do you just like, I'm going down in flames with the rest of them?

Yeah, it's Quinn and Quinn's drunk.

I mean, if you were here, right, I mean, there's no talking to the guy.

And even if I was trying to interject, he couldn't hear me.

He's so wrapped up in whatever he's doing.

So I tweeted for a little bit.

I tweeted with people actually that were in the theater.

What did you tweet?

I tweeted for a water.

Yeah, well, first I tweeted for a water because

in the middle of the show, what a pro.

I couldn't get the waiter's attention, or he didn't want to come up because Quinn is, you know, he has that like New York weird aggression where it's like there's a difference between like him being like, I love this guy, and like one drink later is, you know, your life is threatened.

Or

some of the waiters bringing water up here and be like, get the fuck away from, bro.

You ain't no space monkey, motherfucker.

So then some girl tweeted back, you know, I said, could you please get me a drink?

And she was like, can you please end the show?

And that was the first

clue I got that maybe it was running a little long, but it was really not until 20 minutes after that that finally Dom Herrera came up and did a few minutes and saved us really.

That was really before you crashed and burned.

He caught you and she threw a net out.

It was literally

people were not going to tolerate much more.

Really?

Yeah.

If I had better knees, I would have just crawled right off the stage.

What happened after the show?

What did you guys do?

Did you celebrate?

We celebrated a little.

We hung out, took pictures.

And then I guess they must have kept drinking, Sal and Quinn, because

they started debating the logistics of how they were going to get blowjobs from these two girls who were here.

The logistics.

Porn stars.

Well,

there weren't enough vehicles.

Like I had the one car that was going to take me back to the hotel where I wanted to go, and they didn't have a car.

The girls, Simon, Quinn and Sell didn't have a car, and nor should they be driving even if they did have one.

Say

they were bickering and backbiting, and even got mad at me at one point because I was talking to somebody, and they were like, Well, what are you doing?

And I was like, Nothing, I'm just talking.

Why?

And they're like, Because we're waiting on you.

I said, For what?

And then there was no answer.

They really didn't have an answer as to what they were waiting for.

But then

any question they had about how it was going to go down was immediately answered.

when we were outside.

There were only a couple of people left, and the one girl started puking all over the place.

Like, really, like, it wasn't like, ooh, I drank a little bit too much, you know, and like that clear kind of puke.

This was like she had just gone to like a fucking Viking feast and like

had eaten like, you know, pig and fucking like giant like broccoli stems and shit.

It was, it was disgusting.

And

she was just laying there kind of like, and there's something, she's young, you know, she's not like, you know, any of us can say we haven't done the same, but it had been so long since I had been in that position.

Where you were sitting with somebody who was so drunk that they're vomiting?

No, where I was, you know.

You know, even up until just recently, you know, within the past, I don't know, eight months or something, you know, just pop a pill and you're like, what's up?

Watch TV.

There's no throwing up.

There's no like

there's no molesting people's plates, you know, eating their nachos and shit.

Alcohol, I don't get it, man.

I don't get that consumption of that.

It makes people rather aggressive.

But it did provide, really, aside from.

Speaking of which, don't forget to order big from the bar and tip your waitresses.

The only picture that I asked to have taken, or actually that, you know, people asked, you know, pictures and stuff, but the only one that I actually requested was, I think I actually may have a picture of it.

Up here, yes, there I am.

It's very light, so you can't see it, but down towards the bottom, yeah, that's the puke.

And you can see it's,

this was a little lady, too.

I mean, she was like, I don't know, maybe 110 pounds, 5'2,

and it just kept coming out.

I've got to eat everything she'd ever eaten since birth.

Yeah.

Look how happy you are.

Thumbs up.

I approve.

Well, you know what?

I think it was because at that moment I realized she threw up.

Those guys were like, fuck it, I guess we're going home.

So I can now just get in the car and go as well.

I didn't have to wait for them to argue anymore.

Coop is my best friend at that point.

The only trophy and souvenir of your trip to Hollywood.

Welcome to Hollywood.

What's your dream?

I liked when the lights were down.

It was so sexy, man.

It was a little bit after dark.

So, all right, man.

So the show, man, the idea of why Bry.

We've been doing it on the YouTube channel at CSMOD,

our SIT channel, Smodco Internet Television.

And the premise on the YouTube show is like Bri is telling me a horrific story and whatnot.

And of course, my reaction is, why, Bri?

So the story that we've been telling for the first few weeks is a story that most people have heard if they've ever listened to any of our other podcasts.

Bri tells a story about having sex with his girlfriend's mother.

while they were still dating.

And

it's a real charmer and a corker of a tail.

So, we figure, like, for the podcast for why Bry, for us to go out and do it, or even if we do it at home and stuff from time to time, it would just be kind of stories about his past things that he's gone into, adventures, and whatnot.

Like, for those that don't know, what you're looking at when you see a sit-up on stage is essentially old-school Dante and Randall.

Like, that's, I got the Randall character from Brian, and I was very much the Dante character when I was working at that store.

So, for me to kind of jump up here and sit down with the guy that inspired everything, the movie that gave me everything,

it's cool for me.

And we've got an assload of fucking stories and stuff.

And some of them you might have heard before, some of them you haven't.

But in the world of.

20 years later, he's a multimillionaire, and I'm next to Pew Click.

Yeah.

Not that much has changed for me.

Yeah, there I am.

It's all about taking the right pictures, too.

The Brian Chronicles, man, that I've been involved with since, oh, I guess I was about 18, have been never-ending fascination for me and whatnot.

One of my favorite Bry stories of all time, for those of you unacquainted with Mr.

Johnson and his antics,

goes back to when we were working at the Quickstop.

At Quickstop, as seen in Clerks,

the convenience store we actually worked at at one point.

I worked there first, and then I got Bry a job there.

And so one of us would work at the video store, the other would be at the convenience store, and we'd switch back and forth.

And then during the day, the video store saw no business, so we'd lock that up and go hang out together at the convenience store.

You know, when you watch clerks, that's pretty much a snapshot of what our lives look like at the time.

And I always wanted to get this into the movie, but couldn't because it needed more setup and stuff like that.

It feels like it's a story better told than actually done in imagery.

We were hanging out at the store very, very bored one day, and Brian, who was fantastic at being a boredom killer, he's a guy who could just chase it away, man.

He's the Mary Tyler Moore of working at a convenience store.

So we're sitting there, and it's not like, you know, we're bored.

What should we do?

We're just sitting around and like it was slow.

We hadn't figured out how to bring in the VCR and the TV yet and stuff like that.

So Brian goes,

I got this idea.

I've always wanted to try this.

And he goes to the back and he grabs this container of margarine, standard convenience store margarine.

You never really saw it in big food stores, only in the kind of convenience stores.

It was called Happy Boy Margarine.

And the picture had, a picture on the box was an innocuous 9, 10-year-old boy who was just like

very cheery to be eating fucking margarine.

Kind of like me and the puke.

There you go.

Imagine that's margarine.

You bring it back.

He grabs this margarine, brings it up to the front, man, and he writes on this piece of cardboard.

It was almost like the backing board of a comic book.

He wrote,

now in stock, and he did a bomb burst around it, like big, you know, bang, like it's a big deal.

Cut it out, and then stuck it on the happy boy margarine box.

And then he put the margarine box right on top of the register.

And so I was like, What's this about?

And he goes, Let's just see how people react.

And so, people would come in the store as per usual, man, and you got to see people's fucking reaction to this butter box.

Some people were fucking blown away.

Like, some people bought the advertisement, and you watched them go back and come back with butter and put it up and shit.

It was a really interesting character study.

Some people just looked at it crossly, like, why would this matter?

And stuff.

Walked out a little bit puzzled, wondering if perhaps the next time they should come back.

You know, and the whole time we're just like, ha ha ha.

Because we're using QuickStop at this point as our Skinner box, you know, and just fucking around with people to some degree.

And then there was one dude who came in.

He was a local.

We sold him cigarettes constantly.

It gets to a point at the store where you just know their brand, you don't even really have to communicate.

As you see them pull up through the window or walk through the door, by the time they reach the register, you just have their brand ready to go and the change and stuff like that.

This was one of those transactions.

Dude comes in all the time, and he was in home improvements or construction or

one of those jobs.

He was a physical dude, worked with his hands and shit.

Me and Johnson, total pussy, soft hands, pressing buttons at the register, making bomb bursts all day.

So he comes in, and you you know, he's a regular

at the video store as well, and would get real tight when he didn't hold his movies and shit.

I remember the day that Young Guns 2 came out.

He almost got in a fucking fistfight with Brian Johnson because we had like three copies, and for fucking two months, this guy was going, When Young Guns 2 comes in, you're going to save it for me, right?

I'm number one on the list and shit.

I mean, this is in a day before, way before the streaming internet, where you can just have Young Guns 2 whenever you want, man.

This was when you had to get a fucking VHS flip.

I was his only pipeline at that point.

That that was it man you were Netflix and whatnot so uh

so he uh he kept saying save me to this save me the tape and whatnot and there was a list behind the counter and his name was at the top of it young guns 2 is written all over it young guns 2 comes in the store bri's working he rents all three copies out not to this guy in all fairness though the last one went out at like we closed at nine o'clock and the last one and went out at like five minutes to nine right

So at two minutes to nine.

That's when the dude showed up.

I'm safe as a baby because I asked for this months ago.

And the dude came in almost like he was fucking testing us by coming in with two minutes to go.

And he was just like, Young Guns two?

And the dude had to be like, ah, swept it out.

Yeah, Young Guns zero.

And the dude got real tight with Brian.

He started yelling at him and shit because Brian came next door afterwards.

He's like, this guy fucking yelled at me.

What did he say?

He cursed me out.

It was in an intensity like I had never seen before.

As if I had given away a winning lottery ticket that he asked me to hold for him.

He really did pin a lot on it.

There was no doubt.

I thought he was going to hit me.

And to get that fucking pissy over a VHS tape, like you can only imagine in life how other people deal with him.

You know, like if he is a roofer, like, oh, I forgot the fucking roofing nails.

Oh, boom, you know.

Oh, you know, I got you a fucking decaffeinated coffee for a break.

Oh, boom.

I didn't hold young guns too.

Boom.

He didn't throw punch, though, man.

He was pissed.

I only knew this, too, before Brian told me, because he came into a quick stop right after, fucking like kicked the door open.

We're just like, didn't I tell you I wanted young guns too?

And I was like, I'm over here, dude.

That's the other guy.

I told him you wanted.

I threw him under the bus.

I was like, I told him to hold all three for you.

He should have held it for you.

So anyway, that dude is coming into the store when we got the happy boy at Margarine the butter thing on display right there at the register with the bombers.

And he goes and he gets this thing of of milk, and I pull his cigarettes for him.

I knew what he wanted, his new ports and whatnot.

So, boom, they go right on the counter.

Comes up, puts his fucking milk down, and shit.

I'm ringing it up.

Brian's sitting behind me, like reading a fucking newspaper, but not really reading because he's just watching for the reaction.

And then, sure enough, man, it was like chumming the water for a shark, man.

Because this dude just bit so fucking hard.

And when his eyes fell on it, man, he just went,

he was captivated, but not in a positive way.

Not at all.

He's looking at it, and he's like,

like one of those, like so angry that he couldn't make an utterance beyond,

and like since he didn't get a reaction, like, hey, man, what are you huffing about?

He threw one on top where he's

waiting for us to pick that up.

It was hard to know if it was like, was he enraged at our pride?

Like, since he probably didn't have a lot of pride in life, that he's like, oh, I'll fucking fuck these guys.

And why would you take shots at us, man?

Like, presumably, it's like, we could have threw our bosses under the bus and been like, they made us put the bomb burst on there, man.

Like, we're not really.

No, that's not a big deal either.

He was very huffy, and then finally he goes,

who gives a shit?

And he's indicating the box.

And I was like, excuse me?

He goes, why does anyone care?

So what?

It's butter.

And I was just like, oh, but it's new in stock.

And I pointed to the bomb burst.

And the dude grabbed his fucking change.

He's like, fuck this, and walked out.

You also told him that we were the exclusive distributors.

That no one else in the country had it.

The brian had to really fucking like till the earth, man.

He was just like, well, we are the exclusive distributors in the area.

So that's the kind of shit.

Like, I love that kind of shit.

And those are the kind of stories we like to talk about on Why Bry, man.

Another classic story, one that I absolutely, well, you know what?

You got one.

You were teasing on Twitter where you were going, like, I've got a fucking story Kev's never heard.

Yeah, this is something that

I never told you.

I don't know why, really, but there was a

okay, so you have the bank of stores, and it was Quickstop RST.

There was like a little luncheonette at the end.

I don't think the tattoo shop was in there, but when we were there in the beginning.

But across the street, there was, I mean, a tenement, right?

There's no other word for it.

Yeah, for the longest time, there was this

wreck of an old building.

It had apartments up top, and it had like storefront space downstairs.

One of them was a cash register repair shop.

I only know that because Mrs.

Topper sent me across the street one day, and I was like, This is convenient, because they were right there.

But it was almost like fucking, it felt like the cash register repair shop from the shining

musty, old, spooky, and fucking Lloyd was your friendly cash register repair shop.

Oh, yeah.

Expect to see little twins and shit.

But that that building, I remember that, yeah.

A filthy falling apart.

And there was a family, one family lived in it,

and we referred to them as the Cruddies.

There was a mom Cruddy, who was a beast of a woman.

Very sweet, but huge and greasy and like eyes shooting different ways and stuff.

And then there were the Cruddy kids.

There was a Christina, who was older.

She was, at the time when we first started working there, she was like 17.

And then there were a couple of kids that, I don't know, they were probably between like I believe you called them Cruddy 1 and Cruddy 2.

Yeah, they were

as they rarely wore shoes, rarely wore shirts.

You remember they they would rent from the video store and one time they brought videos back, not to the v video store, but they brought them to

to Quickstop and Kevin opened it up to see what video it was because by then we had set up a VCR and T TV in the store so we could watch videos while we were working.

And he opens up the video and a bunch of cockroaches came scurrying out.

It was really weird, man.

And there was one right in the fucking spoke, like the white spoke, a baby one, and we just looked at it and we were like, how do you kill it?

And Brian was like, easy.

And they were not.

They were one of those families where the kids walked around in diapers and nothing but.

Yeah, and they were too old to be wearing diapers.

I mean, they were there constantly.

Like you say, like the guy who was mad about young guns, he was there every single day.

There were certain people that were there every single day.

And they were not only there every day, but they were there probably four or five times a day, you know, coming over, getting bubblegum for dinner.

There was a lot of high-candy diet going on.

The oldest one, the girl came in one day.

Christina.

Christina.

And that was the best part of the job, I thought, was fucking with people, people, obviously, you know, the butter thing.

But it killed so many hours just to like fuck with people and tease them.

And I remember she came in one time and

we were breaking our balls about something.

Another guy, another regular came in.

I don't remember his name, but he came in and you said something that made her laugh so hard that a huge green and yellow snot, you remember this?

Flew out of her nose and like went all down her cheek and her neck.

And the guy looks at her.

He had walked in, like, literally, like, five seconds before, looks at her and goes,

and walked right back out the door again.

Gagged like a porn star after space monkeys.

Yeah, exactly.

And this was regular.

She was not a clean person.

She was.

I felt bad for her.

She was like a girl pig pen.

Like, there was always...

Yeah, that's perfect.

That was perfect.

Always good-natured, but but like a cloud of dust surrounding her at all times.

And if something could happen to make her look worse, like ha ha ha, snot.

Right.

It would happen to her, man.

That was never going to happen to the girl who was super hot, who came in all that time.

She's like, I know what it feels like.

She likes to be.

And that's the end of it.

But one time she came in, and I was the only one there, and it was ready to close up.

And so, you know, we used to stock the drinks and shit at the end of the night.

So I went into the back to stock the drinks, and she was following me around and came in the back and I had her working and one thing led to another and I ended up making out with her and sucking her titties.

Oh my God,

dude.

The female pig pen.

Why, Brian?

I don't know.

I don't have an answer for that.

And I mean, I remember the guilt and the shame afterwards that I was like, because I always always tell you everything.

I tell you anything that I do that's fucked up.

Oh, I don't know why you tell me this one.

This one, yeah.

I would have pulled your parents aside, sat them down, but like, you have to commit him.

Yeah, she was pretty grotesque.

And I I don't know

maybe it was the lighting, it was the temperature.

Like, you know how people start hallucinating and shit.

Yeah, when they do that, dude, at

cold temperature and they're hallucinating, they eat each other's feet and whatnot to stay alive.

They don't start making out with the girl who's like, ha ha, snot.

I can see the outline still dried on.

How long does one make out in a situation like that before you're like, what am I doing?

It was a good couple minutes until it broke off naturally.

And

she came back several.

What's that?

What is naturally?

How did it work?

I ran out the door.

Well, I think I don't remember exactly how we parted ways, but I'm sure it was like, you know, somebody came in and I was like, I didn't want to be seen with her sister.

Hit her with a soda bottle.

Many days after that, she came in and was like, it was a different vibe after that.

It was way more flirtatious and like

cock and the soda?

Oh,

shit, man.

She came for more bribe.

Yeah.

She didn't get more bribe.

She had a piece of bra.

You never did it again?

No, no, no.

That was the only time.

Did she ever ask you?

Like, why don't we make out like we used to?

Yeah, like 20 minutes later,

she asked me, no, no, no.

She never brought it up again, and I never acknowledged it.

And then never told you.

And there were so many times, like, I could have told you.

I mean, I guess it was just leading up to this moment where I could not only tell you, but tell all you good people

that, yes, I made out with a female pig pen and sucked her titties.

And if I remember correctly, like, there were, I had more titties than she does.

She was very thin.

Yeah, she was like

a bean pole.

Well, she had like, yeah, I remember she had like a button-down shirt, so like a couple buttons, and then the bra, like, that was like padded, so you thought, like, I mean, even as little as she had, you're like, oh, maybe she had a little more, and then nah.

When the padding came down, three cockroaches came down.

Saw a baby cockroach.

I was like, oh.

To put this family in like a current

context, they were like the honey boo-boo family without a honey boo-boo.

Yeah.

They were missing their stuff.

The mom, really, the mom, really, if that honey boo-boo mom, June, had dark hair, she would look a lot like her.

She would have been close, man.

It was depressing.

It's not like I made out with the mom.

Oh, that would have been a real fucking story, man.

Still, the fact that you made out with her is pretty shocking.

Yeah.

Although, I gotta say,

not really.

Not that shocking.

Like,

as soon as you started talking about it, I was like, I bet you made out with Credit Christina.

Good for you, I should say.

Let's check in on your sobriety because you were a dude that was fighting the Roxys at one point.

Wow, fighting them was

losing the battle.

Yeah.

How long has it been, and how do you feel, and all that good stuff?

Pretty good.

It was, let's see.

So I got out of

rehab in the beginning of May, and then I got

my knee done.

I got arthroscopic surgery to try to get my knee fixed at the end of May.

And they give you a Percocet, like light Percocet.

So I took that.

And were you lucky?

Immediately.

The second I didn't even swallowed it yet.

It tore through the operating room.

Wires hanging off my arms, my fucking ass hanging out.

But

it didn't work.

It hardly did anything at all.

So just this past December, I got a full knee replacement.

And

it makes you feel kind of dopey because

every person, including the doctor, is like, how old are you?

Like, because you shouldn't be having a knee replacement, I guess.

So young.

Is that right?

I'm considered young.

It's the only thing I'm considered young anymore.

When you go get knee work, they're like, yeah, you're the youngest we ever did.

Look at this kid.

The people in the waiting room were 80, 60.

Yeah, pretty much.

They're like looking at hips and knees and shit like that.

What did it feel like, man?

Were you awake for any of it?

I woke up during the last 20 minutes.

Yeah.

I was fucked up.

That's a good reaction.

Like, I woke up and they have this thing up where it's like a.

Actually, before that, what they do is before you even get put under stuff, they give you something called a pain ball.

And they put it

like...

You'd be like, what's a pain ball?

Like, bend over.

Oh!

What is this for?

They're like, because your asshole hurts so much, you won't pick them out of your fucking knee.

They showed me on video afterwards,

taking pictures of them.

They're like

a pain ball.

And it's like you see this screen and it's, I keep forgetting that when a lady's when a lady's pregnant and they do the

sound or taxonogram or something?

I don't like the body language on you.

You got like your arms folded.

You're like, oh, fucking crap, Christina.

They look for like the nerve they got, and there's so many fucking nerves in there.

I don't know how the fuck they ever find it, but it's like they have to stick it in and

they're they're trying to hit it, and they're hitting a bunch of other nerves

before they actually get into the one.

So your legs jump, and it fucking hurts.

It really hurts.

And you're like, oh, like this

until they finally get it.

And even though it hurts, like, hell, you're glad that they fucking found it, you know, because there's no more flipping around.

Like, you know, in biology and in high school, like, you'd like zap the frog legs and make them hop and shit.

Well, you would, and then apparently you paid for it years later.

Like, I was that frog for a little bit.

And then they put me under, and when I woke up and they were still working on it.

They hadn't like stapled it or anything.

And there's like, you're laying on your back and there's like this shield up in front of you, I guess, so like blood doesn't squirt on you or whatever.

And the guy looks at me and he's like,

he saw you were awake?

Yeah, he sees that I'm awake and I was like, can I look at it?

Like I wanted to look at it.

And he goes, oh, no, no, no.

And I asked a couple more times.

And I guess they don't.

it may be too traumatic or something.

Like, it looks a lot more fucked up than you think it looks.

So when you're

out like that,

you know, like kind of like in that twilight, they're like,

they don't need him freaking out, you know.

So, it'll be like the last May when you got the purchase.

Well, you'd be kind of coming out of it and shit.

You're like, Can I see?

And they'd show you, you'd see like bone, and you'd be like, Oh,

and start knocking shit over.

Yeah, so they wouldn't let me look at it, and then they put you like into this recovery room.

Maybe they didn't let you look at it because no, you can't see.

And if you fucking looked on the other side, there was a dude who was like,

Does he know?

Like, who knew replacement would feel this good?

He's in Twilight.

Quick, knock him out.

Yeah, I'm just like, when I look at it.

So then they bring it to the recovery room.

And

I had a benchmark of pain up until that point.

What was it?

I was in 11th grade in high school, and I broke my ankle plane in a basketball game.

And I believe you were recording it at the time.

I might have been there for that game.

Yeah,

it was a modern-day game, and I used to record all the games.

I broke my ankle during the game, but tied it up really tightly so that I could still play.

Fuck out of here.

Yeah, and

like Batman, dude.

It was the only game we won that year.

We actually did win.

Were you a factor or no?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was definitely,

yeah, I was a factor.

I was just told I'm made out of pig pen.

I got to come away with something heroic.

Yeah, definitely a factor.

And that night, I went to the hospital, and they gave me, now this is 1985,

so

I guess they didn't give teenagers anything stronger.

Like, they gave me Tylenol.

And that night, I was like, it was unreal how bad it hurt.

Because they didn't, like, put a cast on it or anything.

They gave me like an air cast.

It's called, you know, you're like fucking pumping up full of air.

And

it's not like a true, like, you know,

big cast hard cast, right?

Right, yeah.

So up until the knee replacement, that hurt the most.

Like, I was crying and shit, you know, that night.

But

waiting in that recovery room, it was fucking unreal how much it hurt.

After the knee surgery.

After the knee surgery, and they hadn't given me, it was a good couple hours, and they hadn't come in and given me any painkillers or anything.

Do you immediately regret the operation where you're like, why the fuck did I do this?

Yes, I was thinking that.

I was like, why did I do it, man?

Fucking,

it's unreal how bad it hurts.

And how long is this going to last?

Meanwhile, it's an hour after.

They just tore my knee open and put it back with like 23 staples.

But then they come in and they gave me some painkillers.

And in like a half hour, it went away.

Now, when you go up to the room, they gave me, and I don't know anyone who's familiar with dosages and shit, but they gave me

30 milligrams of oxycontin, another 20 milligrams of oxycodone, which which is like a quick acting, those are the Roxys basically, and then intravenous dilaudid.

Right?

Now I'm thinking.

I'm going to be fucked out.

Yes.

Yeah.

And

I'm allowed.

I'm allowed to do this.

I'm not being bad.

They're giving it to me.

And I don't know if it was because I had set such a high threshold over the years that I was taking it or that it was just going to kill the pain.

Nothing.

There was no edge.

No head high at all.

None.

But did it take away the pain in the knee?

Or did you still feel the knee?

It took away most of the pain.

Not all of it, but a pretty decent amount.

But through that whole time, nothing.

Did you, and how long did you?

I even brought my recorder for Telham Steve Dave.

I brought my recorder so that I could, if I was really fucked up, I was going to do a solo podcast and see how it came out.

But I was so normal that I was like, this is just be boring.

How long was the recovery period?

And did you have to put it on machines and somebody work you out and shit?

You'd have this thing that's called,

what the fuck was it called?

It's a machine that

moves your leg.

It was fucked up.

You had to do it six hours a day for like two weeks.

It just, you know, three hour or three two hour sessions of fucking move your leg and stuff.

And this guy would come in and stretch your leg every

couple days.

But I was walking within less than two weeks.

And walking or like fucking walking like Christian Bell Batman.

Yeah, like that.

I I still basically walk like that because it's

like a small.

It's still swollen up, right?

Yeah, a little bit.

You showed me that.

I hope somebody fucks up the lights here.

I'll scream at them like Christian Bale.

When you showed me, it did look pretty fucking nasty.

I mean, it looked, it just, they did a nice job.

It's not like it's, it looks messy, but it looks like it fucking hurt, man.

Yeah.

More than life itself.

See, that's the two things would keep me away from it, as bad as my knees were.

Number one, that moment after the operation where you're like, oh my god, I'm in hell.

Is it always going to be like this?

Yeah, but even worse than that, I think the thing that would keep me away, and you're not afraid of this, when they put you under, you're not afraid that they're just going to be like, he's asleep.

Let's look at his dick.

I mean, I'm sure they saw it.

Especially because now you're on TV where they're like, this is that motherfucker from Comic Book Men.

Let's look at his dick.

And they're all just like

taking thumbs up pictures and shit.

Doc David's knee surgery.

Like, put it in your mouth.

I mean, there's no doubt.

That's the only thing.

There's no doubt they saw it because no matter what you're getting done, they're like, take off all your clothes.

This is just my experience.

Is that the way it happens for everybody else?

You're like, and also, they tell me to roll over and they put things in my ass.

Does this happen to everybody else?

That would keep me.

I know I'm probably going to die from some sort of like easily cured hospital ailment, like one in-and-out surgery or like a fucking day procedure because I'm just so fucking terrified.

They'll be like, look at Silent Bob's date.

And that'll fucking go viral.

No wonder he's silent.

They also, like, I was taking a bunch of different medicines.

It was like blood thinners and high blood pressure and this and that.

And

they

constantly came in to do vitals and shit.

You know,

you could never get a good night's sleep.

because every two hours they would come in.

And so one night they come in and she takes my vitals and she leaves.

And I go to like move the blanket and I was like, why is this blanket wet?

And then I was like,

why is a sheet wet?

I was like, oh, fuck, why are my underwear wet?

And I guess like the medication I took, I was sleeping so heavily and it was only within the first couple days.

So

what's it called when they put in your back spine?

Again, girls get that.

Epidural.

Epidural.

I want to cross your arms, lady.

The epidural, yeah, like you don't have any feeling below your waist for a little while.

So I had pissed the bed and pissed myself.

And, you know, now this is like for two days into it.

So it still, like, hurts like hell.

I can hardly walk.

And you've been pissing for two days?

Yeah, pissing for two straight days without changing.

They're like, hey, Cruddy Johnson needs to get changed.

They're like, he's the big pen of boys.

No, no, no.

It was that night.

Like, I had pissed the bed that night.

And so

the nurse had just left.

There were two nurses, and one had a real attitude, and I knew she would have been like to it and like told another, but hey, remember that comic book guy with the little dick?

He also pisses his pants.

So I didn't want to tell her, and the other lady, like, I had, was nice, and I had, like, a, you know, she was very friendly.

I know, you're 45, it's hard to be like, I just, I piss my pants.

You know, even though I'm sure they're like, well, it's natural.

That happens in the hospital all the time.

I'm sure it's like fairly common.

Yeah, I'm sure it does, but I just, I couldn't like, I mean, I have almost no pride whatsoever, but just that little bit, I was like, I don't want to tell them I piss my pants.

So I start hanging your sheets outside the window.

They made me wash them in front of the other patients as a punishment.

So I had that, so I took the sheet, like I took the sheets off, you know, I'm like,

and I'm connected to the pain ball.

So the pain ball is stuck in my leg.

I have the IV shit in my arm.

So I have all these wires.

So to negotiate, getting these sheets off, getting my underwear off, and then the gown, which because I'm only wearing the gown,

it was difficult.

And they had brought in a gown for me.

Like, I could change it.

So they brought in a gown earlier.

So when I go to get that gown, like, I had to get off the bed and like walk a couple steps to the

security camera at the nurse's station just watching this.

Like I give him 10 minutes.

He, I mean, so, so I finally make it to the chair, and I get the gown, and the gown is a small,

and I can't call them because then the jig is up.

So, I put on the small gown.

I'm like, walking back to the bed like this, like, sort of side shuffling, and I get in, and you have to, like, because you can't, your leg feels paralyzed.

You can't just like lift your leg up.

You know, like, I actually have to, like, hold it and bring it up.

And after all that,

the next morning like as I'm waking up I see the the nurse looking at like the sheets and the gown which I had like stuffed under this chair like what's going on down here

and sure enough she was just like oh we pissed the fucking bed exposed yeah

that you didn't feel so when you you got a spinal you didn't feel even taking a leak or anything like that no I guess not I mean I didn't feel because even it was really like it was the wet and then the smell really confirmed it that it was you know I wasn't like oh maybe I just spilled water as I was sleeping I saw Jen she got an epidural one when Harley was born and she tried to like go natural as long as she can but she was like I reserve the right to go for drugs I was like me too

so she was you know she tried to hold out and then she was in pain and stuff so we got to the hospital she was just like I'll take the epidural and right away they gave her the epidural and it knocked her out from like the waist down I mean I guess she felt enough to push because there was the whole push, push while she was giving birth.

But the thing that blew my fucking mind.

Push, push, in the push.

Get the hell.

Doctor's like, can you please leave the room?

So there I am, like, while the kid's being delivered and whatnot, and you see the kid crowning and shit like that.

And you're looking at, you know, a human body and a vagina particularly just stretch unbelievably and do shit where you're like, oh my god, I never want to hear, oh, that hurts ever again.

Because I know I'm way smaller than what's fucking coming out right now.

So you're watching this out and the baby's crowning, whatnot, and the doctor goes, like, the baby's crowning.

And so

she reaches over for a fucking scissor that looks like a scissor in a fucking butcher shop.

Just thick as fucking hell, man.

Like, not the scissor you have in your drawer at home.

Just a mean-looking, sterile-ass silver.

It's like one of the tools that they use in hostel to like kill someone.

Yes.

Totally.

I expected some fucker with a weird mask to come in and shit.

The lady doctor grabs this scissor and immediately goes to the bottom of her vagina, the Gooch, if you will,

and does the cut.

There's a name for it.

It's the episiotomy.

Immediately goes for this.

Now, I knew about the episiotomy, but I didn't know that it was.

I thought it was like we pull out a surgical tool and there's like a little mask that goes over it and stuff like that.

It was as simple as just grabbing and cutting the way you would cut a piece of paper and whatnot.

I mean, she was a little more, she wasn't just stabbing because there was a human being coming out, but she was deft with it, got it in there, and all of a sudden just cut.

And she cut like such a long line almost from the bottom of her rage almost to her fucking asshole, where I was like, it's going to be one big hole.

But she was a pro.

What chance do I have now?

No, I won't look at her.

Mr.

Smith, please.

So she did.

And immediately my first reaction, because I'd never seen something like that.

I never saw, like, you know, in movies you see a knife going into somebody.

I never saw anything like this in my life, like human meat being cut.

And I immediately looked to fucking her, because I thought she'd be like, ah.

No reaction whatsoever.

Like, she was uncomfortable from the pushing of the kid, and she felt the kid coming out of her body and moving through her pelvis and the outer veg, but she didn't feel that cut one iota meant.

So that fucking upper dural shit is strong, son.

I felt the cut more than she did.

I looked to the fucking doctor and I wanted to lecture her about you might want to warn a human being and shit like that.

Later on, she was like, do you want to cut the

umbilical cord?

And I was like, yeah, okay.

She was like, okay, well, you want to, there's a chair behind you in case you have to pass out.

Some people cut it and they get queasy and pass out.

I said, lady, you might have wanted told me about the chair when you were cutting the fucking best part of my wife, man,

when I watched that happen.

But I would imagine you didn't feel it very much.

Nah.

Nah.

All right, man.

Let me check in on Comic Book Men as well.

Brian is on a television show called Comic Book Men.

It's heading into its

second season 2B, I guess it's called.

We had season one, then season two A, and now season two B.

It's moving from Sunday nights where it was cozily behind the Walking Dead and Talking Dead.

And now we're over on Thursday nights as AMC tries to expand their programming beyond the Sunday night

block that they constantly do.

They've got a block on Thursday now that we lead off with that's kind of unscripted programming.

So there's a show about taxidermy, and then there's a show about people that hammer shit into their face in a sideshow and stuff.

That reminds me, I saw a tweet today that Midget Bowling is coming back to New Jersey.

I wasn't aware that it had left.

I'm not really

an enthusiast, but I saw that down at the Stone Pony, which is a really famous club in Asbury.

It's Bruce by popular demand.

By popular demand.

That's what they said.

They're like, we can't get Springsteen, so Midget Bowling.

And on the poster is like a midget who looks like he's fighting it, like he doesn't really want it to happen.

And like a couple guys that are mid-swing about to chuck him down the alley.

Jersey Pride.

So this, as we head into season 2B, which starts February 14th on Valentine's Day,

the shoot last season was a bit of an up-down experience for you.

Season 2.

For season 2.

We had had this wonderful producer on the show, Brian Nischell, who did the first season.

And then when we went back for season two, Brian was committed to another show already.

And so he wound up not doing most of season two.

And apparently, you kind of

butted up against the producers of season two, some of the cats you had to work with.

If you can imagine, I had a problem with authority.

What was it?

What were the issues?

In the very beginning, like the first season, Nichelle really, Brian Nichelle, the guy he's talking about, wasn't

in charge.

We had one guy who didn't work out, and then another guy who didn't seem seem to like.

I don't even know if he spoke English.

He was only there for a week, but he hardly ever talked.

But he wore scarves all the time.

I remember he always had a scarf on.

That's a fucking summer we were shooting in.

And then we finally got Nichelle.

Like you say, Nichelle couldn't come back.

So we got an entire new team, these three guys,

who I probably won't say their names right now.

Okay.

These three guys,

who I guess their jobs are like field producer, showrunner, whatever it is that their titles are.

And they had

a decidedly different approach.

I think their idea was to make it a kinder, gentler comic book men.

Because like out of the

right out of the gate, don't make fun of Ming so much.

Oh, really?

Yeah, right?

Yeah, there's no fucking show without that.

I was like, the best I can offer you is to not do my Ming voice on T V.

That's the best I can do.

And plus, Ming was even like, come on, you know, like, you gotta make fun of me, guys.

Otherwise, it ain't comic book man.

So,

so, of course, you know, we weren't gonna listen to that.

And they were also giving me a hard time, even about my shirts.

They wanted me to wear, now, those guys, it makes sense, they wear the staff shirt.

But for me, since I don't work there, to wear the same shirt every single episode, which was going to make their job easier for editing, of course,

I was just like, I still, I don't, it doesn't make sense that I would wear the same shirt every day.

Like, you can only wear one shirt.

And at first, they told me I could wear four different shirts, and then when three, one, and then they finally were like, you can only wear one shirt.

Actually, I have the picture, I wish I put it up there.

So, the very first day, I came in and I said, hey, I picked out the shirt that I want, and it was

a white t-shirt, and I had taken a black Sharpie and drawn a big cock on it

with a lightning bolt next to it, and it says dick magnet.

and I cut it off so that like my belly was hanging out

and I said this is a shirt I want to wear every day so is this cool and then I was allowed to wear four shirts again

so that was like the first run-in that I had with these guys and within the first couple days I noticed like because when you're when you're on camera you can tell you can tell when the camera is actually pointing at you and I could see like in my line of vision I was like they're they're not like they're not putting it on me and I'm not like fucking I got to be in every scene, but I'm like, I want to be in some scenes, I guess.

But again, they wanted to craft something that was

fun for the family.

And they did not like that.

I mean, I guess they didn't like what made us successful in the first season.

Well, I think the key word here is craft.

Whereas in the first season, like, look, it's not

reality television.

It's unscripted, AMC calls it very wisely, because

reality would be if we had cameras in the store and we waited for people to come through the door to try to sell stuff.

That happens sporadically.

When you kind of arrange a day going, hey, Friday and Saturday, we're going to be shooting transactions.

Come in and auction off your editor.

Come in and see if you could sell off whatever it is that you're trying to trade in or whatever your collectible, blah, blah, blah.

When you do it that way, already you're fucking with reality.

So you're arranging a situation where you're making it easy for the shoot where a bunch of people can show up on the same weekend and you can get a lot of shooting done so that's already not reality the unscripted genre which amc is is kind of um championing is the idea of going yeah man of course we all acknowledge there's cameras here and we all acknowledge that we're working on a schedule and blah blah blah but once the cameras turn on these cats get to be whoever they want to be get to say whatever they want to say i mean they can curse and that shit gets cut out and stuff but they're encouraged to be themselves that's how we got to a second season because you guys were yourselves in season one.

So suddenly these guys hit the ground running with

new producers on the show who, you know, it's when new producers come on or new creative team comes on, they want to put their stamp on it and stuff.

One of the things I always loved about Comic Book men was it never does the shit where people look at the camera and start addressing it.

We don't do the that thing.

We don't break the fourth wall.

We don't sit there and go.

On the fly, it's called.

You know, the kind of thing where it's like, I hated him so much, I just wanted to punch him in his stupid fucking face.

Like, none of that confessional stuff to the camera.

The idea is we have this podcast device where we sit around the table and talk, and they're telling me the stories of what happened that week.

So there's no need for people to kind of address the camera.

But then there was suddenly, like, you know, I've seen on the schedule OTFs, and I heard from Walter, like, they're talking to the people.

Like, the people who are bringing stuff in, they're having them talk to the camera.

And I don't know, it just seems weird.

It's not the show.

And that that was one of the first red flags.

I was like, hmm,

where did it start getting more irritating for you?

I also,

is James around?

Like, does James listen?

Because I sent that picture to him.

I emailed the picture to him so he could show it.

Very casual tonight, see?

It was those things, I was like, why did those OTFs?

I was like, why do they want to put them in?

I mean, I certainly didn't have the juice to tell them to stop, but they were spending a lot of time on those things, which made us late every day.

So by the end of the season,

we're literally like two weeks behind because they spent so much time doing that other shit.

And shooting people that aren't comic book men.

You know what I'm saying?

Like the show's called Comic Book Men, and the reason people, like at least I sit in a nice godspot when it comes to the show, I read all the Twitter input and all the Facebook input.

Everything that people are writing about the show while it's happening, I kind of get to see.

And the thing that you see over and over again, the reason they like the show is they like the interaction between you guys.

You know, they like to see you guys be friends.

And obviously, you're affectionate toward one another, but you bust balls left and right.

That's number one, first and foremost.

Then the transactions, they like seeing merchandise come through the door and stuff like that.

So

to not embrace that, to not embrace the thing that kind of makes everybody like the show in the first place, that got it picked up, like watching you for interact.

And, you know, particularly you play the role of being the chief ball buster.

And suddenly

you weren't busting many balls not uh not allowed not in discouraged I would say discouraged from doing it and the other thing is like with those OTFs it's like let's say we're gonna compare ourselves to what's that pawn

pawn stars

in theme and content it's like we get it the reason that the fucking person brought the thing in was because they wanted money Every time, that's the same.

It's the same fucking answer every time.

Well, I thought I could sell it and make some money.

It's like, so you don't need to hear.

There's never anybody going like, if I do this, this will find the fifth element.

Yeah,

I'll save the planet.

Somebody's holding my fucking wife hostage, and they say, if I don't get a certain amount for this on Pawn Stars, I'm fucked.

It's never that.

But to be fair, even that's money.

Yeah, that's true.

True.

Can you say

any different twist money?

My problem came with.

There we go.

Dick magnet.

I don't know why they decided to bend to my will and give me those four shirts.

Well played, my friend.

When did it get its worst?

I'm 44 in that picture, by the way.

It got to the point where

they started suggesting I say certain things and that as a group

we say things in a certain way.

That came first to everybody, can you say it like this?

Because they always want, because they're always editing, you know, and they want things,

they want it to be like every other fucking show.

That's what it came down to, I thought, is like they want it to be like every other show.

And the very first time that I was like, this is not going to fucking wash, is when they were like, hey, can you say this joke?

Instead of

what I wanted to say.

Which, number one, it's like, hey, we're unscripted, dude.

Well, that's the thing.

You know, people have asked in the past, and I swear to it, my hand, you know, I don't believe in God, so fuck it.

But like my hand on Sage, my niece,

nothing is written for us.

We make it up as we go along.

Every single thing

is ad-libbed.

And that's the reason I like the show, you know?

You get to be you, man.

You crack the code.

You found a job where somebody's like, here's a bunch of money, now be yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the only job I think I can probably do.

And not, well, you know what, not even, because I did get in trouble for doing that, too.

Well, I mean, you know, fucking.

Dick magnet.

Yeah, dick magnet doesn't really make it easy.

But I felt

rebel to the end.

I should get buried in that shirt, right?

Like, if I died, I hope that, like, the people around me would know me well enough not to put me in, like, a fancy suit, that they would be like, pop him in his dick magnet shirt.

If you go before me, I'm going to be like, somebody dig up the dick magnet shirt.

And we can't have an open casket on one side, we have to have it full.

Right.

Because you'd have to be able to see the gut for full discussion.

If you can't see the gut, half of it's lost.

I like buddy tries to the background, too.

Yeah, the Jesus is right over his shoulder going, I approve.

It is, yeah, it's a sign of approval.

But this is a show where, like,

you don't tell me what jokes to make.

So

if you're not suggesting stuff, I'm not going to fucking listen to these fools.

And there was one guy who was, he was just so fucking not funny.

And one day

I was up there with Ming.

I don't know if it aired or if it will air, but I'm standing at the counter with Ming.

I make a joke and I walk away.

And Ming's reaction, I thought, was really good.

And, you know, they cut.

And so the guy goes, okay, well, can we do that again?

But this time, Brian, because I made a joke.

The guy was from Australia, and I was talking about the Coriolis effect or whatever, pretending I didn't know what it was, and how it would be such a huge deal someday if I could go to Australia to see the water go backwards down the toilet.

And yeah, and I was like, man, that would be great.

And I just like walk away, and Ming goes, what are you talking about?

And I just, I don't answer him.

I just slowly walk off and he goes, what's your problem, stupid ass?

He goes.

And it was funny.

And so I come back and he goes, let's do that again.

But this time, Brian, say, if Kevin Smith finds out that you bought that item, you're going to be going down the toilet the wrong way.

And I'm looking at him and I go, and this is in front of everybody.

I go, no, I'm not going to say that because one, it's not funny.

I said, you're not here to tell people what's funny and what's not.

I said, so you just stick to your job and I'll do mine.

And it's like, crick, crick, crick, crick.

And that got,

it got to be,

they did it all the time.

No matter how many times I was like, would you fuck off?

They still did it.

And then it all culminated in

we were doing a

con thing?

No, we went to a con.

We do a con.

Has an air jet, it's an air jet, and they wanted us to say something in a certain way.

And the thing is, with these guys, Ming will do anything.

I don't care what it is that you ask Ming to do, he's going to do it, he's going to say it.

No doubt, man.

If they were just like, hey, Ming, I'm this week's comic book, man,

he'd be like,

Exactly.

Or like, you have to, like, we're going to prank your children and think you're giving them up for adoption.

He'd be like, all right.

You know, if it's for the show, like accommodating to a fault, where you're like, what's wrong with you, man?

Mike, very accommodating.

Walt, not so much, but you can break him, where he'll just be like, fuck it.

All right, fine.

Really?

There's a wall that he hits where he's not like he isn't Bruce Bannert, where he's just like, I'm angry.

He's just like, I'm compliant.

The only time I saw it was when we did the Fantastic Four wedding.

Because

we shot 12 hours that day, and we got back to the store, and this is something that Walt and I had put a lot of thought into, you know, the wedding.

And they're like, all right, let's get ready for that wedding.

And we were like, what are you talking about?

Like, we're going to shoot the wedding today.

We were like, well, we don't have it.

Like, we didn't have the costumes.

We didn't have any of the people.

They were just going to

let them do it in their normal clothes.

And with nobody there.

And

it wasn't going to be what we wanted to do.

And I said, we're not going to shoot this today.

It's like, we're just not going to do it.

And the guy's looking at me like, who the fuck are you, man?

And I'm like, I'm fucking Kevin Smith's friend.

So if you don't like it, talk to him.

Because I know I don't have the juice, but he'll back me up on this.

But also, you're one of the stars of the show.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, there's four dudes who are the comic book men, and you're one of them.

It's weird for them to kind of not put your opinion first.

They didn't care.

They wanted to do what they wanted to do, and they wanted to get it out of the way.

And so they said, well, we'll find out, you know, what's going on.

And I said, what's going on is we're not going to shoot this.

And he's like, we need enough huff.

And he walks off.

And then he comes back.

And he's like, all right, well, they said we can do it another time.

So they would bend.

I mean, we flat out said we're not going to do it.

So what choice did they have?

But when we were doing this other shot at the con,

it was like the third time where they're like, all right, Walter, say this to Ming, this to Mike, and this to Brian, and then go.

And I said, but we've done it already.

And they're like, yes, we want you to say it like this.

And I go, we fucking did it already.

I said, stop telling us,

stop telling us what the fuck to do.

And the guy goes, God damn, son of a fucking bitch.

He yells at me and throws his fucking thing down on the ground.

And

he goes, we're not going to make our day with this bullshit.

And

I shut my mouth.

And I waited till the end of the shot.

And I walked off the set.

And

as I was leaving, I told the guy, I said, I'm not doing anything else today.

I said, this is fucking bullshit.

And that's the day I called called you, and I called an executive AMC and told on everybody.

Yeah.

He did.

I got a call from Brian, and he goes, you know, dude, I don't bitch about anything and stuff, and I like doing this TV show, but I'm just telling you right now, like, if these dudes are here tomorrow, I'm never going to be on this show again.

I was like, what?

What's going on?

And he downloaded me on all this.

And I was like, I didn't know.

Nobody told me, you know, because I'm not out there when they're shooting most of the show.

I go out there three times during the season, during the shoot, to do the podcast wraparounds.

So Brian, like, kind of related,

as he did here, probably in more graphic detail there and stuff, and with far more use of the term motherfuckers.

But finally, I was like, well, dude, this is, I mean, the show is about you guys.

What I love about the show is watching my friends on TV.

I don't want to watch artifice.

I don't want to watch you guys fucking say shit you would never say.

Let me get into this.

And it was fortuitous.

It came in timing with, there was a New York Times piece that ran where I guess the New York Times was on set for the Stan Lee shoot.

And they captured this kind of moment where it fucking drove me nuts.

It made me so mad.

Where Stan Lee was talking to a kid, the great fucking Stan Lee, who at age 90, whatever he was, when he came down to do the shoot, 92,

you know, came all the way down to the stash and spent like six hours shooting and shit.

They have him at one point he was talking to a kid, telling a kid, you know, about like

if you want to get into writing, he was giving him them a comic book tip and shit about being a creator.

He wasn't even done speaking, and all of a sudden, the camera crew goes, We got that, let's move on.

And to the Stan, and Stan was like, Well, I wasn't, it wasn't about performance, I was talking to the kid.

So, I saw that, and I was like, We said we got it, Stan

with great power comes great.

Shut your fucking mouth.

So, I called up, uh, I called up the good folks at AMC and I was just like,

hey man, this is going on in a big, bad way.

And these guys are the show.

And I can't have them being told what to do and say.

And you know you don't want that.

The whole reason we're back is because of blah, blah, blah.

And you like who they are and the audience likes who they are.

And this is the situation.

I laid out everything that was going on.

And to their great credit, I mean, AMC is working on way more important shit than our show.

And when you're a network, basically you hire people to run shit, and fucking you're overseeing everything.

So these cats are like, we didn't know, dude.

We fucking buried in zombies.

We're up to our necks in zombies over here.

We can't fucking pay attention to all the details.

We thought these cats were having a good time.

Oh, Brian Johnson's displeased.

Let's put Walking Dead on the back burner.

But they were, to be fair, like right away, man.

Mary and Joel were just like, we have no idea, dude.

It's paramount importance to us that your buddies are fucking taken care of.

They are the fucking show, even more than you.

I was like, you don't have to fucking say that.

But right over, they acted fast.

They were like, they're gone.

They won't be there.

And the very next day they were gone.

Then I came to do the podcast wraparounds and we had Brian Nichelle back and stuff.

And Brian whipped that season into some nice shape.

We had to go back and do some reshooting and do some pickups and whatnot to kind of make all of our episodes for the back half.

But it turned into a really good season.

But, you know, you talk about like, and Brian had a real hard time.

He's like, I fucking hate doing this, dude, because I feel like such a rat and a pussy and fucking I'm tattletailing.

But like, I have to share this.

and even though you've said you felt like that it's it's good that you did you fucking saved the show you know what I'm saying like we I wouldn't have known nobody would have known until we got into post and all of a sudden we'd be left with like a lot of fucking scripted lines and shit where's the real show yeah so that's that same day when Stan was there

they fucking took so long to do anything and they he got there at a certain time and it took forever to get going and then they would take these breaks and there was this break where like I look over at our

poker table that we do, tell them Steve Dave from.

And if you've ever seen it, it's this ratty-ass poker table with crumbs all over it, and like people write on it in Sharpie.

And the dude is just like at the very end of the table, and he's like, This

stan?

Yeah, just because he was so tired by that point.

Yeah, the one guy, one of the producer guys, is the one who told me to be like, Tell Cameron Smith, go, Flush from down the toilet.

He's standing over by the counter, and he's fucking gabbing with somebody with this fucking big corny ass smile on his face.

And I went over and I said, How about you fucking douchebag producers?

Do your job and get on the ball so this motherfucker can get out of here.

Stanley's like, which motherfucker?

I was like, Stan, shut the fuck up.

I got your back.

And the fucking look on that guy's face was like, it was just,

he was like very effeminate.

Like, he had a wife and two kids, but there was something I was just like, I don't know.

It didn't bother me either either way, but it was just like he did a very prissy, like cliche, like,

and then like almost like stomped his foot and like turned around and stormed off and fucking Zapsic and Ming just started laughing

as he fucking stormed off.

But like that's the kind of shit that started happening very regularly, you know, where they

I overheard what they said that they're like, they think just because

they were on a show that they know how to make a show.

It's just like, well, what's the fucking difference, really?

Yeah, and also in this rarefied air that you're breathing, you do make the show by being on the show.

And not like, you make the show great, bro.

But there is no show without you guys, but you do that too.

But there is no show without you guys fucking being there.

That's why I thought it was so weird.

But it was fantastic, honestly, that AMC acted as quickly as they did.

They were like, hey, man, those guys have to be comfortable.

So props to them and stuff.

And props to you for jumping up and fucking being the whistleblower, man.

You're like Russell Crowe in that fucking movie.

Yeah, or like Norma Ray, right?

Yeah, you're like fucking Norma Ray.

Yeah, the comic books.

And I'm sure people are like, you fucking bitch.

You're on TV.

Woo, they're telling me what to say.

I'm so funny.

They'll put words in my mouth.

But truly, I don't care.

I don't give a fuck what job I had.

I would still be annoyed by shit.

I know it.

Yeah, there's no job and no amount of money they could give you where you wouldn't be able to.

I don't care if they were paying me $10 million

instead of the $8 million that I get.

No, I mean,

I would still be like, leave me the fuck alone.

Like, don't tell me what to say.

That's what I love about you, dude.

That's you.

You know, I've talked about many times in the past, like, in terms of the clerks' characters, Dante was who I was, and Randall was who I most wanted to be.

And since Brian was the basis for Randall, essentially what that meant was, I always wanted to be Bry.

You were always so free and still remain that person that's just like, I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

I got one life, and this is the person that I am.

And that's always made you like a true original.

That's why I'm so glad you wound up like a little spotlight on me on TV and shit like that because there ain't nobody else like you in the world, man.

And I've always enjoyed kind of hanging out with you.

I'm going to tell you guys a quick story when we get out of here.

It's one of my favorite Brian Johnson stories, man.

This goes back to when we were, I don't even know if we were working at Quick Stop at this point.

I think we might have just been hanging out.

This was pre-Quickstop.

stop might have been our might have been um krauser's days it was when we were going to the strip clubs like uh there was a point where we discovered the juice bar in uh which we hear uh there's naked ladies in that store yeah like uh they're the way they do strip clubs in jersey and we were like 18 19 at this point maybe 20 or something the way they do strip clubs in jersey is if they serve alcohol then women don't get naked dudes don't get naked it's just you know there's you can wear pasties and fucking panties and shit but if you're being naked completely naked they don't serve booze they call them juice bars so you go to this juice bar you're drinking fucking orange juice or coke or whatever and everyone's getting completely naked up on stage so me and him uh finally went to a juice bar they opened one used to be a fucking metal club called murphy's law right and then they turned into strutters and one day brie was like you want to go to strutters and i was like can we go to strutters is it possible and he's like yeah you don't have to be 21 man you can fucking just go in and stuff like right on let's go and so we went to that place the first time, and it was a fucking mind-bender.

We walked in, and I've never seen anything like it.

Just fucking naked women up on the stage and shit.

And like, three seconds into the door, you're like, this is going to be the greatest night of our lives.

And then ten minutes later, you're like, all of this is depressing.

You know, because you're looking over at these fucking dudes.

I'll never forget there was like a Hindu man and his son.

Like, they were related and stuff.

And they were at the strip club sitting right next to us.

And so you know you could see them over here and they were so fucking into the strippers strippers would come out and stuff and they were making this intense eye contact both of them father and son just like almost nodding in unison and then like you know the women come over and they take the tip from you and sometimes they they take it from between their legs and reach back do it all weird angles and whatnot and sometimes they're doing it face to face she was doing it face to face with the one and the dude like give me your hand like you've got the give me the buck there give me this is a dollar you're handing me your dollar.

And she's like this.

And the guy is like this.

And he was fucking buying it, man, like hard tour.

He's like, this woman wants me and shit.

And I looked over and I was like, that's so fucking sad.

And then the woman.

She's not that great a saleswoman.

This dude's fooling himself.

He's totally fooling himself.

Then she came over to us and shit, and all of a sudden, like, she was with us for a little while.

And then when she left, we were like, she totally wants us.

And then you're like, no, we're just like the fucking dad and the kid.

We're fucking losers and shit.

And you want to separate yourself from those.

You look at those two and you're just like, like, looking down at them.

Oh, I'm not like those two.

You're wearing them.

You're looking over at us.

Yeah, at least they were having a good father-son outing and shit.

We were judging everybody.

You were judging them and shit.

It was, I remember at the end of the night, too, we did like, you could take a Polaroid and shit.

And I still have these Polaroids in my scrapbooks that I made when I was a kid.

And it's me and him, and it's circa 1988, 89 when the oak tree was still popular popular at the mall.

You can dress like urban style.

And so it's me wearing like a mustard vest.

And like, I look like a fucking refugee from the Arsindio Hall show.

And I'm standing on one side of this woman.

Bryce's standing on the other.

And he's like clean cut.

He's got the long hair and shit like that.

He's wearing like an OP shirt.

And I'm holding one leg, and he's holding another.

And the chick is just like.

And completely naked.

And then fucking the next week we went back took another picture and shit.

And it was like 10 bucks to take take a Polaroid with her.

And Brian's like,

it was a Polaroid.

Brian's like, what are you going to do with it?

I was like, I got to hide it from my mother.

That's for sure.

I was still living at home.

So, anyway, we're going back to the juice bar one night.

It's probably the third time.

And, you know, part of the juice bar, of course, is you got to get yourself some they signed them too, you remember?

Yeah.

They actually would sign the I have one that says like love and kisses, Michaela.

Yeah, mine said, I think my first autograph.

I think it was the same girl.

Mine said,

hey, Brian, keep it wet, Michaela.

And she signs her name like an autogram.

She's a fucking rock star.

So we're driving down there,

and the juice bar is in Long Branch.

And we're coming from Highlands, so we've got to go down through Seabright and past the Seawall and stuff.

And then we stop at a bank in Seabright.

ATM is a relatively new concept at this point of the story.

Like, I'm telling you a story from the era of when they first introduced mozzarella sticks.

This is how far, and I know this because I remember when food gets introduced.

But this is in an era when ATMs were relatively new, like going to the Mac machine is what we called it.

And you can like, because back then you couldn't get your money except unless you got to a bank before it closed.

And then one day they were like, here's a computer that will give you money in the middle of the night.

And we were like, this is amazing.

We can get our money, go to Grand Union, buy chocolate chip cookies, and watch the fucking deer hunter.

And that was like our hot night out so that's why we were like strip club finally we had something new to do so we stop in this sea bright uh atm's little office in in the front of the bank and you know you can put your card in and it opens up the little vestibule and there's the one atm machine and so we go to pick up like a hundred bucks because we figure we're in a tip bra's a real sucker at the strip club man uh as soon as the chicks start you know because bra's like hey man what's up like it's not he can't buy into the fantasy of like mmm like he's just sitting there going like why are you doing this

and the girls make it better,

and they plug him like that.

They're just like, I wish I wasn't doing this, I'm trying to go to school.

And Brian's like, this will help.

And then he gives them money and they walk away without doing any show or anything like that.

So Brian likes to have the conversations with him and whatnot.

So you'll be sitting there looking at Brian talking to this completely naked stripper, legs akimbo and whatnot, and their lips almost hitting the fucking floor.

And Brian's sitting there going, Yeah, man, of course.

Well, physics is always a tough subject.

So there we are.

Hurry, I don't touch Credit Christina.

We're at the ATM, and we're picking up a little cash and whatnot so we can tip

at the juice bar.

And so, while we're there, there's

I said, hey man, let's fucking play, let's play a fucking prank.

And we were writing shit on the pieces of paper.

You know, you can grab an envelope and deposit shit.

Grab that, there's a pen there, and we're writing fucking notes and giggling and shit.

And Brian's like, wait, I got a fucking way better idea.

And Brian reaches reaches into his wallet and he pulls out a fucking condom.

And I was just like, oh my God, where did you get that?

But this was in the era when people started carrying condoms.

Like a Hindu father.

I'm like, we're going to need this tonight, son.

So he goes, watch, dude.

And he opens it up and shit.

And he's like, and he spits into, he unrolls it and spits into the rubber.

And I was like, yes, bitch, yes.

Like, this was the height of comedy.

So I grab it and I'm spitting into it too.

And we're passing this rubber back and forth and spitting into it like, ah, aha ha!

While we're taking our money out and shit, waiting for the money for the transaction to be done.

So we spit in it and we leave it on the fucking ATM and shit.

And so we're like, whoever comes in next is going to think that's full of calm.

Went out into the car and didn't even stick around.

Isn't that weird we don't wait around for the payoff?

So in a Joker-like fashion, we're like, we don't want to see.

We just moved on with our madness and whatnot.

So never thought about it.

Went to the strip club and whatnot.

Stopped thinking about it.

Did the whole strip club ride home?

Why are we doing this?

It's such a waste of time and money.

Didn't think about the fucking rubber and shit.

Next day, I got a phone call at my house, and they're like, Kevin Smith, please.

And I was like, yeah, okay.

This is Kevin Smith.

And they're like, hi, this is the Seabright Police Department.

And I was like, hi.

You know, because this is fucking, even if I got a call now from the Seabright Police Department, I'd be scared.

And I own the house, but I was living at my parents' house.

Yeah, like Grace is over your shoulder.

Yeah, like, who Seabright, what?

You know, and so I was like, hello.

And he goes, yeah, we're going to need you to come in.

Can you come in today?

And I said, yeah, what's the problem?

He goes, we can discuss it when you get here.

Let's say, 2 o'clock.

I said, yeah, okay, I can do it.

And I hung up and stuff.

So I drive.

I immediately throw a noose over a rafter.

Hit my suicide pill.

The Seabright Police.

So I go to the Seabride Police and shit and pull up the Seabright Police Department.

And then it's as cool as right there on the water.

I don't even know if if it exists anymore.

Did it get taken out?

One of the few buildings that survived.

That survived.

So I go inside, and I'm like, hi, I'm looking for Detective blah, blah, blah.

And the lady behind the desk looks up at me and she smiles so widely.

And then she goes, hold on.

And she turns around and she's like, Detective blah, blah, blah.

And then you see the rest of the people in the police department.

They're at their desk and walking around.

They all start stopping and looking at the counter and they all start nodding and smiling.

And I was like, so far, so good.

Yeah, this is amazing.

Is it my birthday?

So the guy comes up and he's just like, ah, Kevin Smith.

And I said, yes, yes.

How do you know?

He goes, well, let me tell you that.

He's going, were you in the bank in Seabright yesterday?

And I was like, yeah, yeah.

I went.

We were on our way down to the strip club, me and my friend.

He's going, yes, your friend and you're on your way to a strip club.

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why?

How do you know that?

Is that a log?

Please don't tell my mother.

Fumbling for his gun.

Sir, sir, it's going to be all right.

First he went for my dick.

When he couldn't get me a dick, he went for my gun, and then he tried to shoot himself.

So I say, yeah,

we were.

I was in Seabright.

And the cop goes, okay.

Let me just show you something here.

And he pulls out what looked like, I guess kind of like the best way to describe them.

Where I used to go to Chuck E.

Cheese with a kid, and if he took a picture on the Chuck E.

Ride, one of these little rides, it printed out like a facts picture almost.

A heat picture, like when I got my kid's sonogram, and they showed me the picture of like, this, there's a fucking thing in her belly, that's a human being.

That was it was on that kind of paper.

They gave me a piece of paper, they put it out right in front of me, and there were three of them and three images.

And you can see just a piece of brai, but front and fucking center

on the camera, on the fucking ATM, which I didn't know existed, you see me going like

fucking laying it down.

So just caught dead to rights.

And, you know,

I can't, I don't have the presence of mind to be like, oh,

I'm fucking piss scared, man.

Because all I can think is like, okay, this is photographic proof, man.

What happens on TV in a situation like that?

And then I was like, nobody spits into rubbers on TV.

Fucking

more.

There's no precedent for this.

Yeah, they're going to have to create a law.

So I was just like, am I in trouble?

And he goes, no.

He's going, well, I mean, I guess we could file some sort of disturbance charge, but I had to bring you in because there was a woman who came in after you who found this.

I was like, no.

And he goes here and he pulls the picture and there's fucking mom that looks like, you know, she's like 40 or something like that.

And all you see is like her going,

he's like, you might want to stay out of the Seabright Bank.

I was like, I will, man.

He was like, who was your accomplice?

And I was like, this is my friend Brian.

It was all his ideas.

Thanks for hanging out, folks, tonight for the very first Why Bri.

Please give it up for the guy without whom there is no Why Bri.

Brian Johnson, man.

And that's going to do it for the very first episode.

Hopefully we'll build this into something else.

I'm Kevin Smith.

Brian Johnson.

That's all for Wybride.

Good night.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kevin Smith and Brian Johnson.

That is why Brian Live at the Lovett.

Run away from the human

rights.

They will touch you up and set you alive.

Take a man to burning right

with the taste of rugged lines.

You're binding water

to

fight.

Look to the future.

You'll follow the blood.

We're back

with

things that I enjoy.

We're building in this world

that I

fight time.

work with

life

and you're gonna stop

Sometimes get too much and I wanna do

We maneuver in the beautiful wreck

We are on the kitchen like that shock.

Where you total is way too dead.

Going forward is your own and rush.

I lost the final kingdom.

Life for you,

safe and home.

I lost the will of the gold.

But there

will be

fighting.

Save me

I want to win

you're present,

we're right, and you're gonna stop

the darkness and

light.

I want to find a kickoff,

safe and robbed.

I lost the wheel of become right there.

I lost the fire to get over.

Safe and rob.

I lost the wheel of the cow.

Let's go

every two

months in the brain for your spirits.

I wish right to chase you and make myself again

I lost the fire to get the river

safely now

I lost the will, nothing counts like a

real

account

I lost the fire to kick all

the same

love

I lost the will nothing count.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.com.