#370: Tell ‘Em Uber Dave

All right, so I got a quick announcement for people who may be out in the New Hartford, New York area.

On Sunday, May 6th at 1 p.m.

through 5 p.m.,

Brian Johnson and myself will be appearing at the Fourth Wall

Comics and Collectible Store

out at 41 New Hartford Shopping Center.

I guess that's upstate New York.

That's Sunday, May 6th, the day after Free Comic Book Day.

So I'm sure it's to be rocking, right?

I'm sure there's going to be tons of people there.

But

we'll be up there, and

we're going to be selling skulls.

That's right.

You can get your Prussian Kissing Devil Mini Skull

signed by Brian Johnson and myself between 1 p.m.

and 5 p.m.

Sunday, May 6th, at Fourth Wall Comics and Collectibles.

So if you're into TSD and you're out in that area, please come out.

Please.

I got a bad feeling about this one.

This is real, too.

This is not a joke.

Was he good looking?

Because that's a

huge factor when taking a blowjub from another guy.

In my mind, I d I didn't know what a jiggy would look like.

Everybody around me, not at my house, is I really should eliminate for my life.

I'll help you show them away.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell him Steve Dave, BQ, Walt, and special guest, Jiggy.

Jiggy.

Jiggy.

Walt, you just met Jiggy today.

I did.

What are your first impressions?

What do you think so far?

I heard Jiggy was going to be joining us tonight.

In my mind, I didn't know what a Jiggy would look like.

Well, you grew up in a mostly white neighborhood.

I'll cut that out quickly.

Pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet Jiggy.

Happy to have him here.

Good guy.

Jiggy's been our opening act for five years now.

I like him a lot.

Good.

Anybody that you like you?

I think you're going to like him.

I automatically am predisposed to liking.

Good.

Because

we're doing a two-parter this week.

Is it a two-parter?

Or just two episodes in one night?

Well, this week and next week are recorded at the same time.

Let's see if we can leave on a cliffhanger then.

All right.

And then I'm gone for possibly six weeks.

That's a long time.

So no telemist for six weeks?

Well, I would assume you guys were going to do it without me.

And I figured if Jiggy hits a home run today,

he could be my stand.

I'm really up to the challenge.

It's a lot.

But that's why I'm here.

I think Giddam just blew his brains out.

Well, if it wasn't Genem, the audience would have blown their brains out.

All right, then Sunday Jeff double suicide pack between Giddam and Sunday Jeff.

I mean, he's not off to a great start.

I thought he would come in like fire.

Yeah, come in hot.

He's a professional.

I thought Walt was going to recognize me for my biggest performance of all time, but I learned that he came in after.

He came in after you.

He came in halfway through Carlin.

Played Massive Square Garden and you missed it.

The biggest night of your life in Walton.

Walt didn't give a fuck.

I want to know why.

What was so important that you were that late?

I wasn't that late.

Q told me what time you went on, and

he's like, in fact, I was early.

I'll tell you a story about Jiggy.

Okay.

That'll tell you the type of guy we're dealing with.

He, when we did,

Colin Jost was opening for us at the garden.

And Jiggy, how long were we originally supposed to do?

Like seven minutes.

Seven minutes.

But we, because Jiggy's been with us a long time, we wanted him to.

He's a very funny guy.

We knew he'd perform for us.

Colin showed up late.

So

on the biggest, most famous stage in the world, Jiggy got the stretch thing past the seven minutes you periodically.

What did you end up doing, like 15, 20 minutes?

Like, I think it was close to 15 minutes.

It was like almost double the amount of time.

Our tour manager came and gave, you know, in front of I don't know how many people were there a lot, fifteen, sixteen thousand

the stretch, which is uh

were you were I gave you more time basically to come see me.

I gave you I doubled the chances for you to come see me and you still didn't make it.

Were you prepared with 15 minutes when you thought you only had to do seven?

I mean yeah I I have uh plenty of the material but like I had the seven minutes down to the second.

He had the Madison Square

dancing.

Were you were you got were you dancing up?

That was was a homeless dude outside

in the train station.

On stage, like with a guy with a big bushy beard?

No.

Like spinning records and stuff?

No.

I think that was the intermissions.

Yeah.

No, that wasn't.

Why didn't you park my car?

But my boy did.

That's how he performs on the premise.

This is a performer.

This is a pro.

We're getting a performer to fill the shoes rather than bringing in a guy who lists eBay auctions.

And no one likes.

We're getting a performer instead of potentially a guy who works a counter at an automotive dealership.

Right.

And not only that, a performer who it that, I mean, it had to be nerve-wracking, right, to be up there on

the stage of MSG.

Oh, yeah.

I mean,

I was pacing the halls for like two hours before.

I got there really early because I wanted to take it all in.

But yeah, that...

That seven-minute set, I had down to the second.

I was like working it out all week, make sure that everything was down.

So when you're in the middle of that and have to double it that was uh

what kind of humor do you do you do you do is it topical or is it is it political no i don't do anything no no political jokes thank you you're in that's it

you're on you're you got the gigs

do you work clean too for the most part yeah i mean in this in the spectrum of uh of stand-up comedy yeah i'm definitely clean joking now ready to blow my brains

i don't think i took things

what was it what was the most risque joke you told at the garden at night then i don't think i told anything.

No, risque.

No, I don't think so.

I mean, yeah, I think I kept it.

He's everything on the guy.

He doesn't complain about taxes.

He's younger than I am.

He's a good-looking guy.

He makes Jim Gaffigan look like Richard Pryor.

The crusty, hard shell that's built up over me over the past few years.

Jiggy is soft and pink.

Yeah, he's new and excited.

Yeah,

he hasn't been,

what's it called, when you've been beaten down by

life and

when you're keep looking at me when you're second.

All right, man, let's roll right into it then.

If somebody shows up early, as you just heard, maybe he'll come here early on Wednesdays and help you put out books and shit like that.

Okay.

Free labor.

Who knows?

Now, Q, does it change your opinion about, baby, you're just going to squeak that fucking seat on there?

You want to keep your fucking woman on the control?

This is

embarrassed.

She's like, it spins.

I can see who was the boss of this talk.

Again, why am I driving your wife here every week?

Shouldn't you?

She needs to.

The tolls and shit.

You're coming down anyway.

The tolls and shit are just.

We're saving up for a little house.

A straight house that doesn't lean to the left.

We're saving up for some straight beams.

Would it bug you if you found out that Walt and Jiggy hatched a scheme?

Walt purposely detained Colin in some way so that Jiggy could stretch out.

I would think that's amazing.

I would love that if that happened.

That's so much of a better story than him not doing that.

Yeah, so we'll see.

I mean, Jiggy, are you willing to change your Twitter?

What is your Twitter handle?

At Jiggy Comedy.

But what does it say on the name?

At Jiggy Comedy is your where people go to follow you.

I think it says just Jiggy.

Jiggy.

Are you willing to change that to Jiggy T-E-S-D for the weeks that I'm away?

Yeah, I'd be willing to do that.

And then we've got to stay on brand here.

And we have to have the little ant emoji, right?

Yeah, well, that's up to you.

That's more of a listener thing.

More importantly, are you willing to drive my wife down here every time?

That's right.

I would have to rent a car and get a driver's license, but I'm willing to do both.

Now you sound like Walt Flag.

So he's in, Walt?

He's in?

Yeah, I mean, if Q is

Q, if Q gives his seal of approval, I mean, who am I?

Actually,

I would think the listeners.

I don't know what equal.

I think the listeners may have to, you know, they would have the final seal of the listeners weigh-in.

So it's listener weigh-in.

Oh, then that.

I mean, if it's a poll, I would want to know who I'm up against.

Remember that?

Do you see that fat choad that walking out of there?

Do you see that guy who squeezed through the door?

Oh, it's just me.

I was running around

trying to wait on Q as if he was his fucking slave, and then I can't get him to do shit and not his boss.

That dude, that's potentially, and this other dude who

Sunday Jeff.

At first, you're not even going to know he's alive.

Yeah, Sunday Jeff, yeah.

He is a fan favorite, though.

He is a fan favorite, though.

So you'll be up against two

long-standing,

tell him Steve, Dave, guest appearances.

But, I mean, if you knock this out of the park tonight, I mean.

Yeah, you know, I mean, maybe people's curiosity just to hear more.

It's like, you know, that unknown fact of fresh fish.

Yeah, that's what every guy wants to hear.

Walk into a room.

Oh, you know what we should do in the second apart?

We should, we should break fresh fish, I just got

we should, in between episodes, give him like 10 minutes and do a one true three with him and see how we really fucking

met the metal.

Okay,

yeah, yeah, and then your final test will be if you can figure out dyslexia.

Oh, yeah, that's even

I have dyslexia clues

on the ready if need be.

All right, the way one true three works, Chick, you start thinking about it now, is you have to tell three stories.

Two of them are fake, one of them is true.

And we get to ask you questions.

Is there a limited number of questions?

I forget.

Three questions each.

And then we all guess as to which one's real or not.

And I'd be very good at it if none of you picked the real one.

Yes, yes.

And the stories are generally pretty out there.

Like, you got to find an interesting story, and then you can make the other two up, but they got to be fucked up with belief.

Not fucked up in, like, uh, you know, like in a, they could be whatever you're wanting.

Yeah, interesting,

three, three,

interesting tall tales, two tall tales, two tall tales,

a little concern, Q.

You had to tell him that the stories had to be interesting.

Well, I, because I said fucked up is the only reason why, and I didn't want him to go to that place.

All right, we don't need another fucked-up individual around here.

We got two already, and then we could do a quick mini, a little mini dyslexia, see if he gets them right, and then

he's definitely in.

Okay, I like it.

All right.

Great.

Jiggy,

you seem, he's a nice guy.

He's really nice.

When

we were in New Orleans and Uber came and I got into it, and the Uber driver is like,

are you Mark?

I said, no.

She goes, okay, this is Mark's car.

And I'm like, oh, shit, I'm sorry.

I don't know who that is.

That's Jiggy's real name.

I've known the guy for years.

I didn't know his name was Mark.

Oh, yeah.

I can't know the story, so you can't tell that awesome Uber story, which would have been fucked.

See, that would have been perfect for it, but I know it, so you can't tell it.

Okay.

But an Uber driver, you want to tell the story?

Oh, well,

we were on tour.

Yeah.

And we were in.

Chattanooga, right?

It was, I don't know, it was a small, I think it might have been Greensboro.

I think it was a small town

in the Carolinas.

And a girl had given me her number after the show to go meet up with her.

And she gave me an address, and it was to a Buffalo Wild Wings, which was 45 minutes away.

And the only way I could get there, because it was a bus tour, was I had to take an Uber at four times rate.

It cost me like $75 to get to this Buffalo Wild Wings.

Nothing happened with the girl, and I had to come back at like 2 in the morning.

And Steve, this Uber driver, picked me up, a guy named Steve, and he was just convinced as a comedian on tour playing these venues that I was just getting laid after every show.

And when I told him it wasn't the case, and actually kind of a sensitive topic, he just would not let it go.

And we got to.

Why was it sensitive?

You just didn't want to talk to him about it.

I just got to talk about it.

Well, because you just fucking lost all your money on an Uber ride.

I'm not that kind of girl.

I definitely thought you were.

You're definitely the kind of girl who's wasting my time.

He is.

He is.

He wants to get some puss.

What's wrong with that?

Within hours of his set?

Honestly, I'm a little disappointed that it would take him that long.

All right.

Like, you should have dragged her back to the fucking tour bus and just rubbed it in the Joker's face.

That's not...

Let him get past this part.

This isn't the best part of the story.

So anyway, I'm defeated.

This guy, Steve, he thinks I'm like this big playboy on tour.

I've told him I'm not.

And he would not let it go 45 minutes all the way back to the hotel.

But surely you don't want to let Steve down.

No, and you know, Steve, I want to.

He's about to.

We get back to the hotel, and

he locks the doors and he ends the trip on Uber.

And he turns around to me and he goes, I just want to let you know that I've ended the trip.

And I'd also love to take you to the parking lot and blow you.

We're about to find out what kind of guy Jiggy is, Walt.

He's leaning forward, wrapped in anticipation.

I just thought that you just were trying to hit on a woman.

You know, but he just thought that maybe desperate times

were lonely.

We're in the Carolinas.

You just never know.

You're like, squeal boy.

Heavily wooded area.

Was he good looking?

Because

that's a huge factor when taking a blowjump from another guy.

Yeah, because that's all.

Because he's like, I mean, there is a certain amount of good looking that you can't say no.

He knew you were straight, and he still made that off.

You know, he's throwing Hail Marys out there.

He's just trying to live his life.

You know, if he throws 100 of those, you know, maybe a couple guys take him up on it.

Maybe he's into it.

Maybe that's why he drives.

That's risky, though.

I think that success rate is even less than two.

I gave him five stars just for the full service offer.

So, see, that would have been a great story for one, two, three.

Or maybe.

Well, he could have made it the lie, though, too, if he took it.

But I would have known.

I know the story.

If he said, if he said he told us the next day, we were like, this is fucking awesome.

We're like, look at the patience of Steve.

Well, maybe you looked a little down, and Steve was like, I'll just give.

I know he'll turn me down, but I just want to boost his ego a little so he doesn't feel so bad.

I mean, I've never forgotten it.

Did it boost your ego a little bit?

I was flattered.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would have been flattered, too.

I mean, just getting offered.

Well, I don't know about flattered, but anyway, I guess it would have been a little bit of a book.

Turn it spent, is what I mean.

A little bit of a boost of, you know,

you're coming off the coming off the

non-completion of

what you really wanted.

You're still offered something that

was not what you're interested in.

You still don't want it.

Well,

would your opinion have changed if he got off stage and within two hours he's hooking up with this girl?

You would have thought less of Jiggy?

I don't know.

That would really change the dynamics because, I mean, that'd be such a different kind of character than like Gidem or Sunday.

at all.

No matter how far they drive.

Too much confidence on the show.

Yeah, that's like, that's not like Tom Su Day is anything but like a confidential.

It's Charlie Brown in front of a mic.

Right.

So he fits right in by going way out of his way to knock it out.

Whatever you made that night was given to Steve.

Would you?

I can't believe I've never asked you this before, Jakes.

Would you have taken it if it was a female driver?

I don't, that's not my style.

No, I

it would, no, I don't think so.

So, no dudes, no ladies.

No, I believe it.

But why would you have taken it from just to somebody who attended the show, though?

I mean, are we saying that she's like an attractive Uber driver?

Yeah, okay.

Like, you know, conventionally attractive.

Let's see.

Let's give her a six.

Six plus.

Wait, is she a North Carolina six or a?

Let's say.

Well, yeah, that's a good question.

No, no.

Yeah, like across the spectrum, people would give her like a six, six, six, six plus.

I'd consider it.

Her nails were a little dirty, but she looked good.

Yeah.

Well, the nails-dirty thing is, and that's a no for me.

Yeah?

Yeah, that's a no thing.

I couldn't handle that.

I think a dirty nails on a girl is like one of the worst things you could have.

All right.

Well, you're going to have to.

Dirty painted.

You probably can't see the dirt underneath them anyway.

Yeah, maybe they're just painted brown.

All right.

Well, you're still in, even though Walt's probably not too happy about you attempting to get a blowjob from some girl.

But you're wishing you didn't tell that story now.

I am curious.

I think he said he had dated her for a couple months then.

Got to know each other.

A few dinners at Chili's.

It's the next comedy tour that comes around, like a year from now, and finally, the long distance pays off.

I'll just plant seeds on the first tour and come back next year.

And you can't do that.

You have a girlfriend now, right?

I have a girlfriend, yeah.

Off the market.

Oh, goddamn, Steve.

Sorry.

I am curious, Jiggy, you're a nice guy.

And Walt, you're woke.

Q, I'll keep you out of this.

I'm just greedy.

I'm trying to figure out if a 60-year-old woman says to a 30-year-old guy, calls him honey buns,

acceptable, right?

I think so.

60-year-old dude calls a 30-year-old woman honey buns.

I don't think it's menacing, but it's definitely a different tone.

Yeah.

Is that sexism?

I'm trying to figure it out.

Maybe, but

depends on where it's coming from.

It totally depends on the person.

I heard honey buns is a direct comment on an ass.

Right, but I mean, if it comes from a place where you're trying to demean somebody, then obviously it's

no, let's just say it's just like, oh, hey, like, you're in a

waiter.

You're a waiter or a waitress in a restaurant.

One of the customers calls you honey buns, say.

Probably.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me, honey buns.

Yeah.

Yeah, people from the South travel here.

Maybe Jiggy's lady was coming up the south.

I cleaned my nails, Jiggy.

Again,

I think to err on the side of caution, you probably should find

another

term of endearment.

Not an endearment, I don't know if, like, you know, just to kind of connect how the waiters and waitresses connect with

their clients.

I try to use that kind of like familiarity.

Maybe sweetie would be a better term.

Sweetie would be a better one.

Yeah, honey buns, you know, it is going down.

It's going below the belt.

Yeah.

To the buns, right?

To the buns?

You're You're making a comment about someone

there below the belt.

So it could be a little bit more.

But do you think she was literally talking about buns?

Dangerous.

What?

Do you thought she think she was literally talking about buns?

You did.

I didn't.

I thought it was just like, you know, honey bun or something like that.

Somebody said they were talking about

it.

I hear buns.

I only think one thing.

Buns is stopping.

And it ain't hot talks.

You think of the can, huh?

Yeah.

Think of that can.

I didn't think of the can, though, until you said it.

But now you can't get it out of your head.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

Yeah.

Tell me, Dave.

Why?

Because I heard a lady call some dude honey buns, and I was wondering if

reverse.

It was at a restaurant.

And I heard the lady.

Yeah, I was down a cracker barrel.

I had occasions of fucking

eating some fucking pork gravy.

That's the only restaurant in Jersey I would think that you could get away that you'd get away with singing.

It wasn't a cracker barrel.

Was it Red Robin?

It was not Red Robinson.

You were back at Red Robin.

It was like, was like, these motherfuckers, honey, buns of shit.

All right, I'll cut that down.

That's the stuff you can't say.

You leave it in, but that's the stuff we were trying to get away from.

You need a little shot collar on this fucker.

Yeah, we did.

Anytime my voice raises or lowers.

No, I was in a chain restaurant and I heard, and it was like an older lady, 60-ish, like I said.

She looked, or she sounded, she had a little bit of a twang.

So it was a grandma.

Flo?

Could have been a grandma.

Yeah.

could have been a grandma well i don't think flow's 60 though right what in the show

oh you mean flow like kiss my grits or flow from progressive yeah kiss my grits grits oh i thought you meant progressive

what i said

i don't know what that was

speech impediment i'm protected i don't need this abuse

you could sue them i'll sue everybody i don't give a shit um

yeah it was just a lady with a bit of a twang and i was wondering if that was uh

was sexism but don't you think it's like understood that she knows that, like, it's never going to happen with this guy, and that's why it's kind of like okay.

Well, then why can't I say anything to any girl?

Because I know it's never going to happen, so I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want

because you can kill most women with one punch.

That's why it takes a menacing air to it.

Yeah, just honey buns.

I'm like, fuck it,

fuck it.

You don't even wait for a response.

Yeah,

I'm crazy.

You're fucking crazy.

We'll talk about this later.

Oh.

Very nice.

Here it comes.

Bang, zoom.

Yeah, where we go.

Where are you trying to get?

This is just stuff I'm not trying to get anywhere.

I'm just wondering.

So, you're at this point in your life, you still don't know if you're still trying to figure out what is sexist?

No, I know what's sexist.

I'm trying to figure out why the fuck no one else knows what it is.

That's what you're trying to do?

You're okay with that?

You want to hear some fat news?

No,

we went to the Friars not too long ago.

Yes.

Where Q did a

one-man show.

He's now a Friar, Jiggy a Friar.

This isn't that where Ted Danson performed?

Yeah.

Blackface.

Get into that, right?

No, those are the days where you can get away with stuff like that with a light smack on the wrist and still be considered an American legend.

Is Ted Danson an American legend?

Oh, yeah, I think so.

You don't think so?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

He hasn't been anything in quite some time, but I mean, his body was a good idea.

He's in a good place to get it.

He's in his show right now.

Oh, does he?

What is he on?

It's a good place.

Oh, that's the name of the show.

He's a good place.

He's in a good place.

I'll let you know, I haven't watched any TV since 1998.

He's so full of shit, he was sucking off Jim from the office.

No, just before the fucking mics went on.

I watch it on DVD.

I don't watch network.

I don't watch TV at all.

Be his friend.

Like, if I could just be his friend with Jim.

Yeah,

we had it before the mics came on.

I was.

I saw Quiet Place, and I asked Brian if he saw it.

And he immediately raged.

He threw into a blind, fevered rage about how he hates Jim from the office and he won't see the movie.

And I was

on his way to see the movie.

Yeah, until he found out Jim was in it.

I looked it up on my phone.

I was like, fuck this.

And I was shocked.

He's in South Carolina 6.

I ain't going to see this guy.

Jim is by far one of the greatest characters to ever come out of a TV sitcom.

That's bad.

Yeah, that's very bold.

He's the most likable.

I should say greatest.

He's the most likable.

I think I mean delusional, not fucking bold.

Are you crazy?

He's so fucking whitebred and average and basic, and his fucking brand of humor is so smug.

Like, look at me, I'm the fucking smartest guy in the room with a bunch of fucking morons.

You know, that he was just fucking up.

Right now, there's a whole bunch of people right now, just their jaws just hit the fucking floor listening, who are like.

No, because I'm not good looking like Jim, so I can fucking.

I have a reason to be like that.

There's a whole fucking lifetime behind the way I am the way I am.

You're going to fucking fight me.

I want to hear from Jiggy though that you said that was bold.

I take that back.

Not one of the greatest characters.

I think one of the most most likable characters.

I agree that Jim from the office is extremely likable, but he's not the best character because he has like no, I don't know, there's not much to him.

But George is a great character from Seinfeld.

Okay, but in the office, though, all the characters in the office, who would you want to be friends with?

You couldn't be friends with Dwight.

No, I agree with Defender.

I'm not sure if you're not friends with Giddam.

Basically, it is.

It's like with a less likable

Dwight.

I agree that he's the most.

He's definitely

likable.

He's the most likable on the show, but I don't think he's the best character on the show.

Right, I misspoke, I said.

I said he's not the greatest character to come out of sick home.

He's one of the most likable characters.

It's just hard to believe anything that you're saying.

Walt's feverishly fucking adjusting his list of.

I was wrong.

I misspoke.

I would like to be really.

If Jim was a real character, I would really, really want to be friends with him.

Why?

What the fuck is so great about him?

He's not cool.

What is cool about him?

Because he's too deep down.

He has that

playing pranks, but he's still really good-hearted

and really does the right thing all the time.

He's a little bit the voice of reason of the show.

He is likable.

I stop.

You love fucking pranks so much.

I stopped a prank from being played on you.

I should have let it fucking play out the time I got arrested.

And one of the cops was like when I said Walt was coming down to bail me out.

And he goes, oh, he's like, should I,

he's like, I'm going to pretend that he fits a description of a guy that was masturbating

down in the harbor.

And I said, probably that would not be a great idea.

You're saying Jim would have gone ahead with that.

Oh, Jim would have been like, oh, yeah, what a fucking great idea.

My fucking best friend Walt will love it.

He likes pranks and hates Dwight.

No, like, Jim would put my keys in Jell-O.

He wouldn't fucking set me up to get arrested for masturbating and stuff.

What at the fucking key party that only you would hear attending?

So you think

if Giddam started taking notes and watching the office and acting more gym-like around here, you would like that to be like Jim?

I would love it.

I would love it.

Like that kind of insightful, that kind of like

just

all-around good, good dude.

Yeah, you'd even put up with the jello.

He was

long as he was doing the mic.

As long as he was pulling all the price on Mike.

Mike knows he can't complain.

Jim's untouchable.

Get him start sewing his hair like him with a...

That would be great.

He should be in for Halloween, at least.

You couldn't hang out with Michael Scott.

Completely.

Or Michael's episode.

Completely annoying and out of touch with reality.

You couldn't hang out with him for more than an hour, a real Michael Scott, right?

No, Jim is easily the most likable to hang out with from the show.

More so than Ellie Kemper.

I forgot her name.

The girl who became the receptionist.

Yeah, the girl who became the receptionist episode.

Oh, yeah.

I always liked Dwight down in the.

I like Dwight, too.

He was the best.

He was my favorite character in the show, Dwight.

Dwight, yeah.

He lives in my neighborhood, actually.

Does he?

I see him at my coffee shop all the time.

He grew out a huge beard.

You'd never recognize him.

Really?

Yeah.

He's probably the funniest character, but likable.

Yeah, Dwight.

On the office.

I'll give you Jim.

I've never seen anyone speak about him with such a sparkle in their eye.

Go on the internet.

Go on the internet.

There is tons and tons of Jim and Pam

pages devoted to their romance and their relationship and how much he is adored by a certain segment of the company.

www.jimasgod.com backslash waltz place.

Did you ever see the British one?

Yeah, love it.

Yeah, I like the British one a lot.

Yeah, I mean, I love both versions.

It's rare when you can see

somebody make a remake or

a reimagining of something so good as the British version and then hit the pinnacles they did with their version as well.

But the American version does what all American versions do, which is go on too long.

Well, I mean, it's, well,

it's cash cow.

I understand why they would.

Yeah.

But it's just like the quality declined so drastically, I think.

Except for Spader.

I thought Spader was pretty interesting, as Robert California.

Yeah, I mean, I agree that I like him better than I like Jim.

I thought the next to last season was a tough season, but I thought they kind of rebounded in the last season.

And

the finale was good, I thought, and everything leading up to that, as they knew it was ending,

it was emotional for people who were into the office.

I imagine you pounding on your TV screen like a graduate, like

Mr.

Jim,

Mr.

Jim.

Wow.

Yeah, didn't like it.

Anyway, fat news.

So we

went to the Friars and we met a bunch of people there, and I think her name was Holly.

I think her name was Holly.

I can't remember.

A girl girl who

seemed to have a love-hate relationship with me.

She doesn't like certain things I say, and she certainly doesn't like fat news.

Doesn't like fat news.

Doesn't like it, so I want to dedicate this one to her.

And recently, the three of us signed up to something called Hunta, was it Hunt a Killer?

It's HaTa Killer.

Hunt a Killer Inc.

Yeah, it's like you get this box each month.

It's like a monthly box, Walt.

Yeah, like Luke Crete.

Yeah.

Yeah, except it gives you all these

tools and information so that you can

work on a case.

Yeah, work on a case about it.

Yeah.

Want to do it with me?

I'm reading a book right now at Gidham, and then I still can't get through.

I don't know how to do it.

I'm saying fucking 14 months.

I don't know if I have time to find a 50-year serial killer.

From this book is Don't Eat Tomatoes.

That's the very thing.

Giddam said it against you.

You said it?

No, no, no.

It's a nightshade.

No, he's lying.

No, there's been a lot of, like, it's a really,

gets, it works on your brain, too.

Just to get you up to speed, Walt and Gidham are reading Tom Brady's autobiography together.

So far, they learned.

So far, they learned don't eat tomatoes

and don't work out.

No, no, no, don't, don't.

When you work on your muscles so much,

flexibility is more important than building, like, uh, than building, like, you know, these guys in the NFL, they look like that, like they can stop a bullet, you know, because they're so chiseled.

But he, Brady, is saying he hasn't, he's remained

uninjured for so long is because of his flexibility.

Yeah, like a lot of bandwork and

yeah, like not heavy lifting.

And you know, too, that he

is

repulsed by the smell of strawberries.

And not because of the smell of it.

It's so funny because people in New England and Boston, everyone knows that.

And

he doesn't drink Gatorade.

He drinks his own little concoction on the sideline.

It's like water with like lemon seeds and like weird.

He doesn't, he's like, he's his own person on the sidelines.

He has his his own people taking care of him and like everything else.

He's a, I mean, you can't argue it's success, so it's hard to be like, well, you know, like to look at him like cockeyed because, you know, the stats back up whatever he's doing, I would have to say, is working.

Right.

Yeah, but I mean, he's using that diet to like play football.

And like, I don't know, like, what's the, are you trying to like, is it like a weight loss thing?

Or

no, no, it's more about I'm trying to

his headspace, his way of thinking, his positivity.

It's like I'm surrounded by people who are, I figured it out by reading this book.

Everybody around me, not at my house, is I really should eliminate from my life.

I'll help you shoo them away.

Just point me in the right direction.

Who are these miscreants?

I mean, reading this book has shown me that, like, I really am surrounded by people who

have me by the bottom of my feet and my ankles and are dragging me down

into a pit of like

old balloon animals planning floating high.

His outlook and his mind and his philosophies on life and everything are

really what I'm trying to extract from it.

And the guy who that guy who left earlier, that get him dude, I'm trying to like

drag him along with me and be like, man, really pay attention to what he's saying here because

we can implement these things in our life too.

We don't have to win a Super Bowl to be winners.

We could just have a great day.

We could have a great day.

We're the assholes.

He wrote a book, he sold it.

I mean, yeah, I mean,

the guy is,

it's like he's Michael Jordan of football with all the championships, all the, I mean, doing it at an age that's unheard of, right?

Yeah.

I mean, mean,

Jiggy's confirmed.

I mean, at this stage of his life, he should be in the broadcast booth, not setting records, playing football.

Yeah, and especially the way the game is today.

I agree with you.

I mean, it's astounding what he's doing at his age.

And it really is, I think people take it for granted because no other human being up until this point in history at his age is doing what he's doing

on the level.

Like, it's unheard of.

And it has to be, you have to start paying attention to the way he's leading his life, I think.

Why?

Who gives a fuck?

Why not implement what he's doing and try to take it?

Which is what?

Not eat fucking tomatoes?

No, it's a lot more than that.

Positive mind.

It's thinking about positivity.

It's about not being so prone to be a fucking nasty, angry jerk off.

What if that is your only strength, though?

He went with his strengths.

That were not his only strength.

You think he was right out of the womb?

He was this super positive.

And

he took challenges, and instead of

turning his back on a challenge and ignoring it and being like, fuck it, I don't care about it.

He always would hit it straight on, even if he failed, though.

He's got heart.

Yeah,

that's

it's unmeasurable, heart.

You know what's not proper pronunciation, such as immeasurable.

You know what I meant.

And everybody listening knows.

See, that's why you got to stay friends with me.

We got a shorthand going on here.

You're not fucking going anywhere, motherfucker.

So I just, yeah, Jay's a sports guy.

What's your sport?

Wait, he almost played professional baseball.

I played, yeah, I played college baseball down in Florida.

He got arrested on the field.

He was really good.

Shortstop?

I was a pitcher.

We're not talking about what you're looking for.

I talked out at like 86.

Really?

Yeah, but I'm not a big guy, so that was pound for pound.

What was your pitch?

My out pitch is my curveball.

Curveball?

Yeah.

Do they still outlaw the spitter?

I'm not a baseball guy.

Is the spitter still outlawed?

I don't even know what it is.

Not in Steve Zuber.

I'm just going to kill him.

Are you sure this guy played ball?

What a spitter?

What do you mean?

A spitball?

He's spitballing.

Oh, yeah.

Is it still outlawed?

We never played with.

I've never even heard of that.

You never heard of the spitball?

Spitball?

I don't even know how to throw a spitball.

Well, Jake, how old are you?

How old are you?

3,000 minutes.

I've always never throwed a spitball before.

What is this like schoolyard 1973 baseball terms you you guys are talking about?

You don't remember Satchel Page?

What year were you in college?

I graduated in 2009.

Holy shit, how old is this guy?

He's like 30 years old.

He's a kid.

You're talking about a spitter.

I don't know what that means.

What do you spit on the ball?

Spitball is an illegal baseball pitch in which the ball has been altered by the application of saliva, petroleum jelly, or some other foreigner.

I've never heard Gaylord Perry?

Well, you put petroleum jelly on the.

Where am I getting the cream from?

Can you look up Gaylord Perry on your phone real quick?

Well, I happen to know that when Mike and Ming were in a baseball age, they were constantly spitting up petroleum jelly.

I don't even have calling each other gaylords.

Gaylord Perry.

I don't know.

Think I'm going to hold on tonight, Gaylord?

No, you're a gaylord.

Let's agree or disagree.

All right, we're both gaylords.

We're both gaylords, all right?

Hey, let's go to the dugout.

You guys are nowhere near a baseball team.

No, we know.

Let's play Paradise.

Remember that song, Paradise, by the dashboard?

He's rounding third.

He's going to make it.

They're on the bench in Broad Street, not even at a baseball diamond.

People are like, oh.

He's out.

No, he's safe.

Safe.

Safe at third.

I found Gaylord Perry.

Right.

So, what do you want me to?

He's born in the middle.

He would put Vaseline in his hair.

Okay.

Because he would look all sweaty.

He would go to his, you know, how polite, You know how pitchers, you were a pitcher.

You'd lick your hands, you touch your hair.

He put Vaseline in

his jock.

I mean, you'd get too risque here.

Make sure you whisper that.

Say jock.

And he was known notorious for throwing the spitball.

Spitball.

He's a lot of people.

It's so crazy a pitch that you can't control it, they outlawed it.

Well, you know, now I'm doing research.

Perry claims he was taught the spitball in 1964, a little before my time.

Well, it's not like pitches going to child bobs.

What's the fastball?

It's not like a fastball coming up.

This was never in the vernacular.

We never talked with spitters.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I never accept that either.

Like, people are like, well, I wasn't even born then.

It's like, I don't know anything about prior to 1967.

I didn't play the game like that.

I don't know.

I don't know what a spitter was.

Are you sure you weren't just in like a T-ball league?

It's fantasy.

So,

did you have a breaking ball?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I threw a curveball from a couple different spots.

Yeah, off the switch.

Yeah, change up, curveball, fastball.

You threw it from three different angles.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Well, actually, change up is four in a wiggle.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Three is a slice.

I was just saying it, because you didn't know the gaylord Perry.

I want to make sure you're in the middle of the morning.

It's a whole other league.

I'm learning a whole nother thing.

All my credibility goes out the window.

I played the game legally.

You're not going to

be able to do that.

That's why I didn't get to the post.

That's quite true.

I'm a good boy.

All right.

Put on this apron and go make me a coffee.

What a.

No, it doesn't seem like a jiggy, but you're doing great.

It's a conundrum in that way.

So, after you graduated, did you think you might go?

You said you went to the minors or you almost got to the next one?

No, no, no.

I had some friends get drafted.

I mean, professional baseball is a huge vacuum.

I mean, they take so so many guys, and even if you get drafted,

they have 30 or 40 rounds of people getting drafted.

You're lucky if you get even 500 bucks, 600 bucks to go play.

I don't know.

I just didn't see that.

I didn't get drafted, but even if I did, most guys play a few months and then they're out.

Did you play against anybody who made it to the pros?

Yeah,

no huge names, but yeah, I mean, in my league, I played down in Florida college ball.

So all the teams that we played, even my team, we had guys get drafted every year, but no huge names

and stuff.

Is that your sports?

Do you still follow it or no?

Yeah, you know, I played so much.

I played so much in college and just growing up that I actually don't watch that much baseball anymore.

Hugh used to be a gigantic baseball fan until he'd be

busy.

Now, I think it's one of the reasons he's not as happy as he, you know.

Oh, I'm very happy now.

Well, when you went through, he used to be.

No, no, it's not, he's Tom Brady.

But I used to love baseball, man.

I did.

I used to have season tickets to the Yankees.

Me and Sal used to go to at least 40 games.

40?

4-0?

We would get a 25-game package, and then

we would go past that.

I love going to games.

I don't watch many on TV anymore, but I love going out to a game.

I'll go to like three or four games a year just to be out there.

I can't go to games.

That's a lot.

40 games is a lot.

Who's your team?

Stupid unemployment.

Oh, where are you from?

Lexington, Mass.

Right outside of the game.

So

you must like Brady's a god, right, to you?

No, I mean, I don't.

All roads lead back to fucking Brady.

But in Massachusetts and New England, he is a good guy.

How could you come from there and not consider him like

he's talented?

Are you kidding me?

You got to suck.

Am I wrong in saying that where you're back home?

Oh,

he's just,

it's like Jesus, Brady, and then they're kids.

And Mike Bill Brady first.

I just had, I just had one of my friends just had a

murder for a rough six weeks, buddy.

Yeah, Tom Brady's god.

He's like wicked Austin.

Fucking idiots.

This kid, I know.

Paul's life.

He just had a daughter named her Brady.

Who did?

This friend of mine from back home.

He named it obviously after Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, right?

Mike Brady.

And then, and she was born on March 28th, and his first thing that came to his mind is like, that's how much the Patriots were losing in the Super Bowl two years ago before they came back.

Wow.

It was 3 to 28.

It was men.

And so he thought that that was like

the football gods are looking down on his daughter, who has no idea what's going on.

Yet.

Yet.

She'll be raised.

If he stays in that area, raised or indoctrinated, which

words you're looking for.

No offense, Jiggy Butcher friend's a douche anyway.

Yeah, I didn't co-sign on the name thing.

I think that's too far.

I like to support the teams.

I don't live and die by it.

I've never got a paycheck from any of my teams winning.

No, but I mean, it's fun to watch, but it's like, I don't care that much.

I don't live and die by it.

It's a distraction, though, that a lot of people need.

Like, tell them, Steve, Dave.

It's a distraction.

It is.

That some people need.

Yeah.

I don't think they get as wrapped up in it as people do with sports.

Oh, I don't know.

I would say

not nearly as many sports fans, but I get my fair share of people

who are pretty crazy with some of the things they write and how into it they are.

Well, I hear Q Gun for six weeks.

Yeah.

And

that feels like how it must feel when

your devil is lost.

Hey, Archer, they're in the playoffs.

Yeah, they're in the playoffs.

We're going to resurrect Pucknuts.

What's up?

No, that's going to be a bad luck, but they're playing tonight.

That's why I turned off all my devices.

I'm recording it.

This is the first playoff game I've missed because, and I did it for Tom Steve David.

Did you get out the old VHS too?

No, I just DVR'd it.

But I knew Q wasn't going to be around.

I knew I couldn't skip out on these last couple of episodes with Q being gone for so long.

I had to sacrifice.

I am going to,

I'm going to record movie updates and send them in.

That's good.

You can do some,

what do they call it, like field reporting?

On location.

Yeah, I'll do some on location stuff recording.

Yeah, so I'll still be here.

Do a little undercover work, see what Sal's up to.

Yeah.

I can tell you already what Sal's up to.

He is ordering room service at 10 p.m.

from falling asleep on watching TV every night for six weeks.

Yeah, that's what he's doing.

That is what he's doing.

All right.

Well, you guys are getting along pretty well so far with all this sports shit.

Not sure.

Yeah, I'm digging it.

I'm digging as somebody that knows a little bit about sports.

Yeah, some manly stuff.

Yeah.

Let's talk more about Tom Brady, less about you scoring blowjobs.

This is a table for men.

Fat news.

We've been trying to get the fat news.

Oh, yeah.

We never even heard anything.

Yeah, I got fat news.

It's a little bit old, but I'm curious to see what you guys think about this.

A teenage, this happened like two weeks ago.

A teenage girl has one praise for her response when a woman fat-shamed her in a bakery, okay?

So this girl was waiting to order six cupcakes at a bakery in Indiana when she overheard a woman behind her say, let's hope this fat bitch doesn't buy all the cupcakes.

Whoa, that's not fat shaming.

That's pretty fucking

direct.

That's fat bullying.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

But rather than turn around and say something to the woman, she responded by buying all the cupcakes in the bakery.

Which cost her $54.

She shared what happened on Facebook, and the post has gone viral, acquiring over 74,000 reactions and 25,000 shares.

She says, tonight I was really petty.

So I saw on Facebook that a local local bakery was having a sale on everything before they closed tonight.

I headed over there.

There was a lady, blah, blah, blah.

And then she retells what I kind of just told you.

She was originally going to buy six, then she bought the rest, which were $54.

I don't know how many that was.

She's a student in a Starbucks barista.

She says she taught a woman the lesson by walking away with all, okay, it was 20, 20 mega-sized cupcakes, which are three times the size of the regular one.

What was the lesson?

I'm not clear.

To not fat-change.

She deprived them of the cupcakes they wanted.

Yeah, I thought that was the lesson like, yeah, you make fun of me.

Now you can't eat them.

Now you can't buy one.

Politely asked the two women if they would open the door for her because her hands were a bit full and they reluctantly obliged.

She then shared the baker's with her family and colleagues and blah blah blah blah blah.

Received a positive response.

You go, girl, for standing up to yourself.

You're a hero.

You're a role model.

Blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

Now.

I don't know about hero.

Okay, now here's

a throw that word around here.

Here's a picture of her.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I agree.

Here's a picture of her.

She's fat.

Let me see.

She won't work.

God damn, iPad.

I don't understand why she's a hero.

Well, she's a hero because she stood up for herself, Jiggy, in this alleged incident.

Oh, you're maintaining it didn't happen?

Whoa.

Not only am I maintaining it didn't happen, the first person who can bring me evidence that it did, in fact, not happen, I'll give you $1,000.

It has to be proven, disproven.

Because I went right after this happened, because I think she's a liar.

I don't believe this is true.

I don't believe it's true, and I'll tell you why.

Because the next day, the bakery sent her more cupcakes, because evidently 20 wasn't enough.

So they sent her more cupcakes as a thank you or whatever.

I wouldn't send it to her, though.

How would they know her information?

I don't know.

Well, who the fuck follows a bakery on Facebook to see when they're going to have half-off cupcake sales?

That's odd, right?

Don't you think?

Do you think, what do you think that said this lady in line didn't say anything, and maybe she looked at her funny and maybe the eyes looked at her?

Dude, I don't even know if there were any other ladies behind her.

What I think is that she and this cupcaker, uh, this cupcakery uh concocted this scheme to bring attention to themselves in a viral way to the to the to the bakery.

That's risky for the bakery to be like they would, they would have to that's like really rolling the dice that it couldn't backfire on them.

The only person that smart at social media stuff I don't know, I don't know.

You don't have to be smart, you just have to be shrewd and underhanded and um

you know,

to do shit like this.

It really bothered me.

Well, first off, saying that.

He assumed that she's a role model.

No, no.

No, no, no, no.

He did.

Yes, he did.

Because he tried to tell me this story, and I was just like,

does he believe it?

I don't even connect with you.

No, he doesn't.

We were talking about it.

He doesn't believe it either.

Because when I read it, I was like, wait a second.

This seems strange.

First off, she's not a role model because she's likely pre-diabetic.

She's like, she's morbidly obese.

It's not like, oh, she's got it.

She's chubby.

Well, let's say it is true, though.

If it's true, then they shouldn't have said it.

Right.

But she's still not a fucking role model.

Well, if she's standing up for herself,

wouldn't you want Sage to stand up for herself if somebody made a disparaging remark and you would want her to kind of flip the tables and, you know, and share her.

The flipping the tables is up to me.

What do I want her to do?

Flip the tables and make them feel and kind of do something that you could still be she handled it without without like you see some people on these social medias, they smack somebody or they you know they they

you know they do something you know that they they get so emotional she handled it pretty if it's true i think it a i would

i would want sage to stand up for herself and then i would definitely want her to get a public relations firm to start handling her facebook account immediately after it happened is that what happened to this lady yeah she hired a firm

by the time i got there which wasn't that much longer it's like there's some company why you went to the vacation

no online

on her Facebook.

The bakery's Facebook.

No, her Facebook

was being handled, she's and she's writing shit like, oh my god, you share one thing, and suddenly everybody wants to friend you because that's not what every fucking teenager wants is a billion fucking followers.

I don't know, she's 17 or 18, something like that.

So I think there's certain, there's a couple things here that point to this being bullshit.

And even if it's not,

even that's what I said, I said, I think there are.

And even if it's not bullshit, I don't see it as a feel-good story.

I don't.

I don't think it's a good idea.

You're poning somebody, though.

I thought you would cheer anybody who pons somebody as being a dickhead.

I like the poning, but then the subsequent idolatry that comes along with it.

And she's not responsible for that.

Once she is, if she starts getting people to handle shit for her, because she wants to be filmed.

There's two things.

One, I would think that you, let's say, let's at the moment accept the story as true.

There's a certain level of pettiness in buying all the cupcakes that I think you enjoy.

Yeah.

There are a couple of things about the story I definitely appreciate.

The poning, the pettiness.

Okay, but then,

well, you know, my take on the Kardashians, which is like, God bless them.

Official or unofficial?

They're both.

I've said it many, on, on, I don't have an unofficial one.

I've said many times, making money, they're making money.

That's it.

So it's just like, you're now you're presenting me with someone who is seeing an opportunity and is is trying to ride the wave to get a little something out of it, to wet her beak.

But is she exploiting something that actually means something to other people?

There's tonnie, tons of people.

But I respect that.

But don't you, that's what you don't respect that?

I actually like her more if it's if we're exploiting the fatties.

Yes.

And all the fatties are like, you're a role model.

Great.

We can all keep the information.

You can still be a role model and still.

Tom Bay Ready wrote a fucking book on tomatoes.

Yeah.

She's not eating any tomatoes either.

Personally,

get something out of it.

You can do both.

Wait, sorry, say that again.

You could still be a role model and while also

putting your beak for yourself

in the process.

Why is she a role model?

Because she stood up for herself.

Instead of just walking out of there like what most people would feel, ashamed and crying, she walked out of there and she made a statement without getting violent.

without getting emotional.

She just brought the cupcakes and was like, you know.

She didn't turn around and turn around and lecture them.

Bullshit.

She did not just do that.

She then went on Facebook

and went on in the hopes.

That's what everybody does.

Right.

In the hopes that it would fucking catch on and immediately hires a firm because why not be famous over

being a big fatso who bought a bunch of cupcakes.

Yeah, but isn't the whole isn't the big wild card of what the post was, her tone in that post could make her completely likable or completely not likable.

Obviously, it must have been likable.

Well, she was likable, for sure.

But like, what was the post?

Do you know what the post was?

Did she post a picture?

Was she like, I can't believe this happened.

Like, I feel like.

She wasn't like that.

No, she was, okay.

Tonight I was really petty.

I saw that on Facebook.

A local bakery was having a sale on everything before they closed tonight.

So I headed over there.

There was a lady in front of me getting a cake and a lady behind me with her friend.

I guess the lady in the front.

The lady in front of me took forever getting her cake.

And the lady behind me was really impatient and talking loudly about it.

And

rudly talking about it.

She misspelled rudely.

I ignored it until the lady in front of me left.

And as I walked up to the counter, the lady turns to her friend and and says, Thank God, now let's hope this fat bitch doesn't buy all the cupcakes.

I don't I'm having a hard time buying that somebody.

Can I just say one thing,

and just please just hear me.

I'm hearing you.

The fact you're more angry at

the lady who brought the cupcakes more so than at the people who were dickheads, that's the difference between you and Tom Brady.

No, it's not.

There's a big difference.

Well, he would see right through

what the real heart of the story is, in that these people were rude and abusive to somebody for no reason whatsoever other than their own

desire to have cupcakes.

Right.

And

the need to do to insult this person for no reason whatsoever.

And you're more angry at the lady who brought the cupcakes, it sounds like.

I'm angry at the lady that I know actually exists, not the other two who may or may not exist.

But you don't know that, though.

I don't know that.

And you don't know how the fuck Tom Brady's going to handle it.

Tom Brady's not fucking following bakeries on a fucking Facebook page and be like, whoa, half off?

From what I've read, right.

I don't know for sure, but from what I read,

I would bet.

Does he eat cupcakes?

I would bet.

No, I don't think I think he would, but if they were organic and probably not chocolate, though.

Definitely not strawberry.

Definitely not strawberry.

But the fact that, you're right, Q, isn't it weird that he's more,

again, he's angry at something that might not be true.

He's created a narrative in his head

to support, to build a foundation.

But like to build a foundation of anger on.

Like you've created whether it's true or not, we'll never know.

And like you've, despite your bounty on the trick,

we'll never know.

So you created it just to be angry at it.

You're mad because she's milking it.

Not that it happened.

Is that a reference?

Like, she's a cow or something?

But the milking is the most respectable part to me.

The milking it?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't go online.

And when I do, this is the kind of shit I see.

Like, this is the kind of stuff I've been talking about.

Oh, yeah, I don't believe that.

I really don't.

I really don't.

Come on.

Why would I fucking lie about it?

Well, why you're not this story?

Because fucking Giddam sent it to me.

And then block them.

You got to block them.

You got to block them.

Because this is causing you to create scenarios in your head that

aren't even real.

And you're getting angry about them.

If I didn't have that, I'd have nothing.

I need something.

Well, let's say that.

I thought that was understood.

Yeah, it does seem like

either way,

I kind of respect this woman.

If she's making it up for attention and attention leads to money, then I respect her.

And if she really bought all the things just to fuck you to those two women behind her, I respect that too.

I'll have to say, I couldn't agree.

I can't agree on that, though.

She made up the entire story.

It's hard to be like, I respect her.

It's kind of like.

Especially she would be in cahoots with the bakery.

And really, they're only doing it to capitalize on people's bad feelings about it.

We did a whole fucking storyline about my trial for the same fucking purpose.

The same thing.

That's true.

That's true.

I don't know, man.

It just seems like.

I just can't.

Yeah, but then we didn't go on and have some fucking news corporation take over our social media so that it can

properly, because that's like the world just.

Like they just package and sell bullshit.

That's all that goes on.

You don't have to buy it.

You got to stop.

You got to block it.

And anybody who, like,

that's what Tom Brady would tell you.

He'd be like, you got to block these people who are feeding you these unnecessary stories just to

get you riled up.

A lot of people do it.

I see it on Twitter all the time.

Like, hey, did you see this?

Because I think people want me to be mad.

Yeah, I don't understand why.

It's like they want you in an early grave.

They want you raging

at the sky for no good reason?

Could be.

I don't know.

I don't see why they would want that.

I don't know.

That's not a good listener, then.

They're trolling me, maybe.

I've got to fucking troll scroll.

But there's other parts of the story

that I'd be curious about, too.

So she posts that,

and does it immediately go viral, or does it go viral because she hired a PR firm?

Does she get like 20 likes, but then hires a PR firm to try to milk it more?

I think it's a good idea.

Or does it

go viral and then she hires a PR firm to manage?

It seemed like, it seemed for me, I mean, there's only so much to this story that they're willing to report.

It seems to me that she put it out there.

I guess maybe it caught on.

And then some fucking PR firm that does this kind of shit contacted her and was like, hey, do you want to be fucking famous for being fat and buying all the cupcakes?

And she's like, yeah.

And then they're like, all right.

But right now, I mean, what can you, like, are you familiar with the Kashmir side girl?

Yes.

Okay.

To me, as much as the Kardashians

represent a low, the Cash Me Outside Girl, I think, is even lower in terms of who she appeals to.

To find her entertaining,

I don't understand.

I can't get my head around it.

Do you know how the Cash Me Outside Girl is?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Some 14-year-old girl who was on, what's that?

Dr.

Phil.

Dr.

Phil.

Okay.

And she

was blathering on and on.

She was one of those.

I'm having a hard time believing you're not going online because I don't think you're watching Dr.

Phil.

Well, this is from a while ago.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All the targets in this have been teenagers.

I have a third teenager that I'm standing up for next.

Okay, good.

Oh,

I just stay tuned.

Don't talk to us.

I'll say that's our next one.

Because we want people to come.

Yeah, we're an hour in.

So we're an hour in.

You want to wrap this one up?

Well, let's talk about the cashmere outside girls.

We'll do that.

And then the next week, you guys get to listen to Brian's Ideal Teenager.

Yeah.

And Jiggy's One Truth.

And

I think everyone will agree.

All right.

All right.

That is not fucking David Hogg.

Okay, so here's the, this is a girl wall

that is very

combative.

Like one of those

have you ever seen anybody

not be able to fucking control their iPads?

Because it's fucking broken, bitch.

He's fucking fought out.

He's treating it as if it's alive, like it's a fucking animal in his hand the way he's touching it, right?

His hands are shaking.

The fucking iPad's moving around as if it's fucking possessed, like it doesn't want to be in your midst.

It doesn't.

Again, the case is broken.

So it keeps falling out, and I don't want it to shatter, idiot that I am.

And you know, I'm touching it

at this furious pace.

It's strange.

Okay, so

this girl is.

This is it, Jaggie.

Week in, week out.

So this is it.

This is a prototype.

Have you ever

seen anybody except somebody who's never touched an iPad before hold it the way he just did right there, try to control control it?

Michael T.

Fox.

Michael T.

Fox.

So, so Dr.

Dr.

Phil has this girl on, and she's

and she's one of these boot camp girls who doesn't behave.

She fucked 15 people already.

She does drugs, she drinks, she parties, whatever the fuck.

So he's like, hey, why do you do this?

And

he exploits her, basically.

And this is her response.

If you can fucking understand it.

You fucking think Quinn's hard to understand?

Holy shit.

Ain't nobody gonna catch me.

Because you're too street-wise?

Nope.

And all these hoes laughing like so funny.

Talking about the audience.

Like they're laughing at us.

If you say the

hoes are laughing,

the audience are a bunch of hoes.

Yep.

Wait a minute.

It looks like

it's not synced up.

Catch me outside.

How about that?

Catch me outside.

How about that?

Now,

that phrase,

she's saying, Catch me outside, how about that?

Let's fight.

Yeah, let's fight, basically.

Meet me outside.

Became a whole fucking thing to the point where now she's a rapper.

She has this huge Instagram following.

I would say she's famous, right?

Yeah.

I mean, she's.

And it's created a couple of other monsters.

This is a brand new one that just happened at Coachella.

What did you know about it?

What about Coachella?

You don't know about Coachella?

No, no, no.

He's not online.

He doesn't know.

Oh, yeah.

I gotta be on a fucking computer to know about a fucking Coachella.

What the fuck?

What world do you live in?

Shit, you do.

On Sage's life,

I do not go online and look this shit up.

I do not know.

I know

because I listen to the fucking radio.

I listen to fucking Jim and Sam.

I listen to Artie and Anthony.

I hear shit.

I'm not fucking completely unaware of everything around me.

And I do want to encourage all the girls to, and if you took pictures at Coachella, make sure, you know, with the Snapchat filters, make sure you put them on your Instagram because they're so fucking cute.

That's it.

Well,

that's all I have to say.

There's another fucking 40-year-old woman with fucking Snapchat, fucking crown.

See, that's the thing.

I don't like those filters with that put the like any.

I do judge people who do like the dog face and the ears.

It's like, stop it.

Anytime I see that on anybody's like social media, in my mind, I'm like, idiot.

I'm like, this is not a person I want in my life.

So I hear you, but I don't get upset about it.

And in the book,

he doesn't bring up what he doesn't like.

He only talks about...

He only makes it seem like.

So he's not a real human being, is what you're saying.

Not the way he plays football.

Very positive.

I don't give a fuck about football.

I don't give a fuck.

But that may mean he's not a real.

But they also may transcend into his real life.

He doesn't have the same go-to's that I see around me by everybody around me.

He doesn't automatically run and want to talk about the things he doesn't like.

He wants to talk about the things that

are good and positive.

And he's not

like a moth drawn to the light of things that just fucking like this shit like here about

cash episode.

Well, to be fair, we do need an episode a week.

I get it.

We can try something.

But I don't think it's good for him, though, to have this kind of level of like.

No.

Your lot is not on a championship playing field.

It's on a fucking shitty podcast and a shitty TV show, and I'm your fucking Tom Brady.

So fuck you.

You want to say tell him, Steve Dave?

I'm not going to say it for that.

I'm not going to prove that.

You get the honors.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

We'll get your floats.

no heads down.

But in life, we stop for now.

Your life is not without.

Let that knowledge got your bed.

It's bad guys and everything

for your sick

and retired word.

You will lose hope.

Let this thing

best with us.

Let trust go, come here.

The words will find a way out.

Let's defend the spirit.

It's a fight best with us.

Let's try to go,

come out.

The words will find a way.

Let's fear it down.

Fake your way down.

You'll find your face to lost your

Let's feel it down.

Make your way down.

You've got nothing to lose.

Right, right.

you're burning.

We're your birthday sweet, say your birthday switch.

All right, time for some dyslexia.

Okay, so the clues from last week were

Commoner Constrained, and that was Space Lord.

Heaven Out Me Here,

and that was See You in Hell,

and

Definition High Fewer Thaw,

that was Freeze and Pixelate.

And if you knew your Monster Magnet, you knew that those were all Monster Magnet songs.

And Orion Sauer knew that, and he knew it so fast it really bummed me out that he got those that quick.

So

I'm back to try to stump

you unilateral thinkers

this week.

This week, I think I got,

I think it's going to take at least longer than five minutes this time.

Alright, so clue number one:

pacifist hate.

Pacifist hate.

Clue number two:

Yamaka's max minus

plugs butt.

Again, Yamaka's max minus plugs but.

And clue number three.

Cat Bible your

Again,

cat Bible Yor.

And we know the rules here.

If you send your answers in to Keemus2 at gmail, also tell me the theme of those three clues.

And the first one who answers correctly will win your own very

own mini Prussian kissing skull.

And again, as always, just want to throw it out there.

Don't feel like playing.

Find it's too hard.

You know, it's too challenging.

You can always just go buy your own Prussian kissing mini skull over at tellhamstevedave.merchtable.com.

All right?

All right.

See you next week or hear you next week.

All right.

So those were the dyslexia clues.

Again, just want to do another quick reminder about

Brian and I's upcoming appearance at the Fourth Wall Comics and Collectibles up in New Hartford, New York.

That address would be 41 New Hartford Shopping Center.

It's going to be Sunday, May 6th, between the hours of 1 and 5.

And

again,

a little unorthodox.

You know, we're appearing after Free Comic Book Day,

uh, the biggest day of the year for the comic book industry.

Um,

but you know, we're bringing the skulls, so I figure that's uh that offsets uh the fact that we'll be uh they there 24 hours after free comic book day.

Um, but yeah, if you but again

not a lot of time to get the word out, so uh, that's why I'm doing this double push here at the end of the show.

Yeah,

if you're into Telm Steve, Dave, and you could find it within yourself to make the trip out there,

I'll smile, I'll be happy, I'll shake hands,

pretty much do whatever, whatever.

Promos for your podcast, you know, whip your phone out, I'll say whatever you don't want me to say, anything.

And Prussian kissing devil mini skulls.

What a combination.

So if you can, May 6th, circle the date.

Fourth wall

comics and collectibles.

Boom.

It's going to be an event.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio.

Sir, only at Smodcast.com.