#369: Angel Coitus

I don't want to evolve past the bull job.

I don't want to.

My greasy, disgusting mother was born in Dillon.

Uh-uh.

You're an alcoholic.

Tell him, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave.

I just want to thank all the people who wrote in about last week's show and were so nice to me, and suddenly we're like, oh, I understand.

Changed a lot of minds.

He's not so bad.

Special guest this week.

Very rare that we have a guest on Tell'em Steve Dave.

But this is some interesting shit.

And longtime listener,

Kim.

Can I give you a real name?

Yeah, that's fine.

Kim.com, we'll call you.

And you have a harrowing story that's fit for like a lifetime movie, right?

You would say?

Sure.

Let's go with yes.

Um, I've long dreamed of uh

you want to keep your wife in line, bro.

I have to apologize.

I do, I've never seen a wink, a weaker pimp hand in all my life.

He said no sneezing while we're on mic, and

here we are.

I can't wait till this falls apart.

Um, she's lovely.

She's lovely, lovely dreams.

I think she came out to see your pod, though.

I know, right?

Why am I driving your wife over

I'll go all the way to Staten Island.

I'm back.

So

I've long dreamed of being part of a cult, and by part of a cult, I mean leader of a cult.

Yeah, I agree with that.

I always thought that you had the.

If anybody I knew,

you had that

mojo, that

special

ability.

I forget what it's called,

the Svengoolie.

Yeah, a little Svengoolie, like a fucking 90-year-old horror movie host.

What's it called?

Spengal?

Spangolli?

Yeah.

Well, we're going to ask an expert who is part of a cult from the time you were born until like a couple weeks ago, right?

Until I was 24, so about four years.

So you haven't been in there for four years?

Right.

Okay.

So this was

a religious cult, as most of them are, right?

What's your favorite cult, Walt?

Blue Oyster.

Godzilla.

Nice.

You know, Blue Oyster cult.

You like it?

Nice.

Okay.

The Harry Shriners, maybe?

The Shriners?

Are those the guys that the guys who shave their heads and they got an adorable little blanket?

Isn't that a little bit?

Not Shriners.

That's where Alec is.

Yeah, Alec is the Shriners, right?

What am I talking about, guys?

You know, that really

is the Moonies.

Oh, the Moonies, the Moonies.

They're fucking pretty annoying.

Like in the cities, yeah, they're always banging the fucking tambourines and shit.

They have an interesting aroma, too.

Musky.

But you were part of this, and I'm assuming your parents were in it?

Yeah, my mom, not my dad.

Not your dad.

Yeah.

So your mom was in it, and did they stay together?

Were they together?

Is that why your dad wasn't part of it?

No, they're together, but my dad was always pushing us into it, but he didn't want to go.

He likes to believe that he's religious.

but not that he has to do anything about it.

So like

I can identify all of that because

I love to hear

the sanctimonious of it all.

I love to hear, like, my wife and my daughters are like, they're going to church and I'm like, well, I drew too much.

I was up drawn too late last night.

I can't go.

And I hear the garage door go, and they're going.

And I'm like, that makes me feel good inside.

Head under the bed right away.

It makes you feel good?

Yeah, that they're going, you know, and I feel like, you know.

I'll just hang out here with my God-given television.

I get some contact,

some contact grace, you know, for being, you know.

So your cathedral is your home and being alone without anyone else there.

Because I fucking, I hear you.

No, I'm just saying, I could understand

what you're saying about, you know, I think that's a lot of people in this country who probably have that mindset about religion.

Weekend Warriors, not even at a bad

Saturday Warriors.

Yeah, so your dad didn't really want a part of it, and you guys, do you have any brothers or sisters or just you?

I have a brother, but he wasn't,

He's much older than me, so he was out of the house by the time.

Like, I was, I was not indoctrinated into it at birth.

It was more like 10-11 10 or 11.

Now, was your mom a part of it for the first 10 or 11 years?

No, I brought her into it.

So, you're the wacko.

I am.

I am.

So, at 10 or 11, you had friends or something that went to this church?

Yeah.

And we were like, I want to be a part of that.

All right.

Well, this is why you should let kids make all the decisions.

They're legislating the fucking laws in this country.

Because they make decisions decisions like, I want to join a cult with my friends.

Yeah, but it was her parents who made the decision.

She made the suggestion.

A quick aside.

Can you, you people who go to protests, it's a great American institution, the protest.

Stop writing what you fucking think are clever signs for your kids to hold.

It's so fucking irritating.

We all know your kids aren't that clever, and that's the message that you want to get across.

And you're using your kid as a pawn to get the fucking message.

They're doing it.

They're doing it.

Enough with the fucking attention.

Enough with the fucking.

Yeah, and you're giving them.

Maybe it'll go viral.

I know.

And you're giving him the attention.

Maybe it'll get a bunch of views.

Fucking idiots.

Okay, go on.

What sign set you off?

I can't remember what it said.

I just saw a little kid holding it.

It was at a gun rally and he's like, I thought you were pro-life.

I guess it's aimed at Trump.

Okay.

And it's just like, I know that.

The kid's like fucking seven.

I know he didn't make the sign.

So don't make him hold it.

It's worse than having a dog fucking do a Hitler squirt.

What was the name of your cult?

Are you allowed to say it?

Or are you in hiding at this point?

No, I'm not in hiding.

It's

Branch Dividians.

No.

It's like a sect.

It's a sect removed from evangelicism.

So evangelicals, do you anybody know what that is?

I've heard of it, but I'm not super familiar.

Did they kiss snakes and stuff?

No.

No.

Evangelicals, we like would go out into

that Trouser snake

when there's no customers in the store.

I'd really love to kiss a black mama.

You know, the spirit movie.

I'm not talking about the nanny ice either.

Well, okay, so what is an inventory?

Evangelicals are like super loud.

They believe that, like, I think I might be evangelical.

You can be filled with the spirit

and you can go out and lay hands and heal people.

Past the den.

And that, like, you, you are, your job in life

is to go out and get people to believe.

I think Thibaut is an evangelical.

It's called a scam.

Is he like the Tom Cruise of yours?

Probably.

Probably.

I think a lot of...

You guys put Thebow

on a pedestal?

He was definitely beloved.

He was definitely beloved.

When we were at the pinball event this weekend, I'm not going to go into the story about how it took four hours to get pizzas delivered.

Eventually, I was in a huge room.

We were hanging out.

Eventually, I just left.

Dan Willis.

Yeah, we were just going to leave, and I'm watching TV, and there's this TV evangelical preacher.

I texted follow up.

Oh, yeah.

I texted a QI.

He's got 726 followers.

I want to follow him.

And you're one of them.

I texted QII.

He was on TV.

It's a local

affiliate type thing.

I texted QI said, turn on channel 24.

It's hypnotic.

He goes, I've been watching it for 10 minutes.

I've been watching it for 10 minutes.

The guy's insane.

He's just fucking screaming and like carrying on the whole time.

Yeah, it was

without really.

Sounds like last week's Tell him Steve Day.

We have more followers.

We'll be better at getting our message across.

As soon as you open Periscope and Facebook, I'm seeing

start with prayer.

So I don't even want to say anything else.

I want to start with prayer right now.

Many of you are sick in your body, and this is Holy Week.

And I want to pray for you first before I say anything to you.

Because I know you're wondering what your title was.

So let's look at it.

He spent 25 minutes delivering the same one-sentence summation of his.

It was crazy.

It was really, but you can't not watch it.

It was fascinating, but it was kind of, the message was kind of delivered in the first sentence.

Yeah.

And then the rest is carrying on.

That's how most evangelical,

it's all about spinning it.

And by the way, you do kind of lead your own cult.

But

it's a scam.

Oh, absolutely.

It's a scam.

You buy into it.

You give them money to build churches in other countries.

And

there always seemed to be these miracles that happen in other countries.

Like preachers, or I'm sorry, missionaries would come back from other countries with pictures.

And, oh, you can see the Holy Spirit in this picture.

Look, and it's just like the film is fucked up.

Slow down, hold on.

I'm writing this out.

You said you guys can heal other people, right?

Did you guys were not allowed to go to see real doctors then?

It was highly, highly discouraged that you see doctors.

Can someone help me with this male irritability control?

What do you mean?

I mean, like, there was, it was, Have you ever heard like worship music?

Faith healing issue?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, they would bring in people that support faith healers.

What?

Striper the band, Striper.

Did they replay?

Worship music?

I don't know.

I don't know what that is.

Christian metal band?

No.

I don't know.

You're not into Ames Christian Metal at all.

I wasn't around for the Ames.

Yes.

She will forever be popular.

She's like the Amy Winehouse.

Yeah.

Just say.

I don't know.

Just say

maybe the Britney Spears, let's say, or the Katy Perry of like Christian.

But so there was this thing you would sing at church and you would raise your hands because you're closer to God if you raise your hands.

So you were kind of doing a Hitler salute.

A couple inches.

A double Hitler salute.

Yep, a double Hitler salute, which I used to teach my dog to do this with his white paw.

So he kind of looked like he was doing that.

But

yeah, it was all about raising hands and being closer to God and singing.

And what makes it a cult?

I'm not sure what makes it a cult.

So far it just sounds like a regular.

Yeah, did you live on a compound?

No, but

every day of the week, there's a schedule.

You do things with members of the group.

Every day, one day a week.

So those are six days, the cult is kind of like do your own thing?

No, no, no, no.

Every day.

Oh, every day of the week.

Yes.

Fridays you have home group and then some days you're making food for the homeless.

Some days you're like it's it's a lot of like this work.

Yeah,

it's nice.

Some of the work is nice.

What's the worst activity?

Not going to the doctor when you're sick.

I mean, yeah.

That's not great.

God.

Well, we would do baptisms, of course.

Okay.

And we all had matching outfits.

You mean like baptisms, like you would say?

In the creation.

We would go to...

this campsite every year to do these baptisms and we would just be together for a week and just singing around a fire.

Oh, yeah, singing.

No, okay.

No.

But like this sect, it was very small.

We had a church that we bought for

the same price as what it was in the 70s.

And we would go knocking on doors like every couple of weeks in this neighborhood and try and get people to come to our church.

And it was just, it was like a Jehovah's Witness type.

Yeah.

And like I said, no credit cards, no no medication, like medication was severely found out.

You were not allowed to have credit cards.

No, you shouldn't.

It was, again, highly discouraged.

That's right.

When I planned to go to college,

they tried to talk me out of it.

They sat me down and they told me science breeds disbelief.

Did you go to a normal school or

public school?

No.

So you were homeschooled?

I went to an alternative education center.

Sanctioned by the church?

Yes.

Did you get so?

Is this

the

Is it approved by the state?

The education you get?

Yeah, I have a high school diploma, which is, I mean, there's a girl I used to be in this with.

The girl I used to be in this with.

You all have high school diplomas at this table.

The girl I used to be in this with.

Her and her mom started a school where they just teach her kids and all of her nieces, which there's about 11 nieces and nephews in this one.

What made her qualified to teach class, though?

There's nothing.

Did you have a curriculum?

Yeah, but the place I went to was different than what most of them went to because I had a medical condition.

So I went to school.

And you weren't allowed to go see a doctor?

Well, my mom did take me to a doctor, but they were always trying to heal me, pray over me.

This is very shady.

This is.

I haven't heard anything cold.

I haven't heard anything that's.

What was the condition?

I have an immune deficiency.

I told him it's a light cult.

Yeah, yeah.

She didn't.

I didn't share this with him.

I didn't like email him.

I didn't email him.

He sought me out.

No compound.

Hold on, let me.

Things are, what's it called?

State-approved education.

Medical when you need it.

It's all fun.

Fun camping trips.

It's all frowned upon.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a cult.

That sounds good.

No credit cards.

There was.

Hold on, let me.

Is there any crazy

things that you saw that were like, I can't believe this happened?

Or is it just kind of

I once went to a campsite where we went up over a city with a sword

and we held the sword up to the sky and we prayed in tongues.

What tongues?

Yes.

No, no, what tongues?

Oh, what tongues?

Yeah, just tongues.

So you just make a lot of nonsense.

I can't speak in tongues.

I faked it, just like everybody else there because of bullshit.

Oh, don't let Mike

say that.

I'm apologizing.

How old are you?

When did you happen?

I'm 28.

This happened in,

wait, when?

When?

Yeah, how old are you when it happened?

16.

How do you know you were faking it, though?

Because I was faking it.

How do you really know?

Just like every woman knows she's faking it.

Because you just know that's what you're doing.

Yeah.

No.

They used to shoot.

No, she's not speaking in tongues.

They used to make a noise.

How does she know she's not speaking in tongues if her leader

can correct her?

I could fake speaking in tongues.

Like, it's just, that's all you need.

I don't know, though.

If Giddam's upbringing is more fucked up than yours, I don't know if you can call yourself a cult.

Did your dad shoot other Puerto Ricans when you were young?

Are they still active?

The church?

Yeah.

Was there any weird sex stuff?

A lot of underage marriages.

Well, how underage?

Are you married?

Close to, no, I'm not married.

Close to 18, but still like 16, 17.

How many brides did the leader have?

Just the one.

Was she hot?

Oh, she wasn't in the slob bushy.

Please.

I don't know, Brian.

You would say this a cult?

It seems strictly religious.

You set this up and it just doesn't sound like it.

And you want to call this overkill before it started off.

Who's the egg showing?

All right, well, tell us about this church that they bought.

What did they pay for it?

I don't know.

They cult told us it was what they bought it, what it was bought for in the 70s.

Oh, have any of you ever seen the documentary Jesus Camp?

Yes.

Yes.

It's that.

Okay.

Okay.

That's fucked up.

So wait a second.

You really rebelled because I remember in Jesus Camp, they were super down on Harry Potter.

Oh, yeah.

You do a Harry Potter podcast.

Yes, I do.

If that's not rebellion, what is?

And I have tattoos, which I was trying to talk out of.

Like, it was a whole thing.

Because I wasn't born into it, my life wasn't as...

I always felt like an outsider.

But the people who are still in it, I definitely see.

Like your friends.

Yes.

Did you witness them doing anything that you were like, what the fuck?

Like a Jesus Camp where kids are crying or there's a child child preachers.

Yeah.

Well, you're a teen girl.

Of course, you're crying.

That's all they do.

No, it's hard to explain because it all felt so normal when I was a kid.

Like, that's what I was raised in.

And only looking back, like, once I had left and I watched Jesus Camp, I was like, holy shit.

How old were you when you watched Jesus Camp?

I watched it like 24, 25.

And you're like, so you just at 25 you realized it was messed up?

Yeah.

So you thought it wasn't up until I thought it was totally normal.

Yes.

Got brainwashed, you'd say?

I would think so.

Isolated?

I mean, even, I mean, I know that it's not like a sexy cult like Jonestown, but I mean, I, at this point,

at this point, I can identify.

Nobody can say that they're as sexy as drinking the Kool-Aid.

I mean, there's a reason why it became part of their lexicon.

Decidedly unsexy if you're alive.

I feel like there's no point of having a cult if there's not sex involved.

Oh, there was no sex until marriage.

This shit was.

Yeah, this is

regular religion.

I I know.

Yeah, like the whole, like, I know everybody's down on R.

Kelly right now.

And I, you know, I think.

But if your cult's peeing on underage girls.

Well, on the underage part,

I definitely can't agree with Heron Microphone.

But I can say, like, but like the thing.

No, I'm getting.

Take them beers away from people.

I got to get through the bag wall.

I'm getting it.

I got to get through this bag.

No, I mean, obviously, like, like the underage thing is problematic in the, what they say, what's the parlance of the times?

It's definitely problematic, but, like, that's the reason to start a cult.

Not underage women, but just sex.

Or what she said earlier, which I thought would have really appealed to you, is like, if we can get

TESDism

recognized as a religion, tax-free.

Now we're not paying attention to that.

I looked into it.

Very difficult.

Yeah?

Yeah, very difficult to do.

Quite quick.

Just deny people some medication and

start an LLC.

We're a fucking, we get taxed at 15%.

USA, USA, money, money, money.

Back to your culture.

I'm on four beers now, so it's not going to get any better.

The chance you're going to become increasingly frequent.

Do you guys have a leader?

I like the United States and I like money.

That is like, is he one step under a God?

Our leader

hears from God, yes.

Legally,

God talks to him.

Yes.

Apparently still legal.

But there's also the belief that you have a spirit man, a man who speaks to you.

Gross in a crime.

How old is your leader?

50-something.

He's that young.

We got to say that now.

So,

what happens if when,

has he ever talked about doomsday?

There was always concern that, yes, there was a lot of talk about someone being the Antichrist in 2008.

Really?

Who was it supposed to be?

Who?

Oh, I know who it was.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Oh, well, we won't say.

It's Trump, definitely.

No, it was a president, though, right?

Who?

Why?

He was a racist.

2008.

Oh, so, okay.

So it was a cool color.

No, it wasn't Obama, right?

No, it was Obama.

They were.

But Obama?

Yeah.

Why?

Because he was a black guy, or just because he...

Why?

It was him.

He was the Antichrist.

He was going to bring

the apocalypse.

But Obama is sort of bookended by two guys who are way more reviled than he was.

People like Bush now, though.

Now they do.

Yeah, but

relatively well.

I wish we could go back to the good old days.

Man, remember when he just led us into an endless war in the desert for money?

Yeah, I remember how I wish we were all perplexed at 9-11.

Did you have a date for Doomsday?

No.

No, it wasn't like that guy who wrote a lot of people.

Oh, they learned.

You can't give a date.

No, if you give a dates.

They still do.

They still are giving out dates.

They haven't learned their lesson yet, these kids called leaders.

I remember being in junior high and hearing, like, oh, doomsday's coming, like, any number of religions, and that passes, and they're like, oh, shit, I must have misread it.

I remember wishing Doomsday would jump.

Call that every day.

Pastor Dan.

Pastor Dan Willis of Chicago.

He was hypnotic for sure.

Like, we couldn't stop watching.

Charismatic guy.

But there was something in us that's just like, this is clearly a scam.

Right.

But not those people in the audience.

No.

What's up?

And a lot of them were black people, too, which I'm not sure.

Like Jim Jones was like, Jim Jones was

very, very inclusive and woke long before any of that show.

I think a lot of people are disenfranchised who tend to be drawn to.

They need something.

Well,

they need the feeling of a family.

Maybe lacking that in a real family structure, a real family life.

So

it appeals to them some way and somehow.

And you're willing to forgive

anything, any blemishes that may be like, well, this doesn't seem right, but

I love the aspect of these other things that this guy's bringing to the business.

Right, You're included in something, finally.

Yeah, but at what cost?

Then you're like, oh, I got to sign my house over, and I got to get this weird haircut.

Like, those fucking heaven's gate people, they had all had the same haircut.

It was not forgiving that haircut.

I will say this in Pastor Dan's defense.

I will.

You guys are going to attack him.

No, I mean, anybody who's saying, no, because

we were saying, we were sitting there saying this is a scam, but we never saw him ask for money.

No.

And we never saw him say anything really unusual.

He was just kind of repeating the party line.

Yeah, he was just trying to get a message across.

So maybe it's not a scam.

He's taking money, though, right?

Is he?

I would have to.

How much of your family's income was devoted to your church?

You had to tithe.

You had to tithe.

Oh, he did mention tithing.

He did.

20%.

Not that bad.

I thought, but isn't

church standard 10%?

I don't know.

Just 20% of what you're doing.

And how much of a hardship was that on your family to give 20% up a month?

I mean, for me, it's a bummer.

You're still doing it?

No, when I was doing it, it was very hard to get it.

Where did you work?

How old were you when you were working?

You were getting paid to work?

I was 24.

Where did you work?

I was 24.

I work for a county government.

And you would hand over 20%?

Did you have a sweet haircut like the Heavensgate people did?

No, but a lot of the...

Yeah.

That was the 80s, though, wasn't it?

No, this was

like late 90s, early 20s.

Really?

Yeah, because it was Hellbop, right?

They thought a spaceship was shadowing Hellbop.

How organized was it?

Like, did you get a little envelope that you had to put 10% in?

Envelope with your name on it.

But that's not uncommon.

Those are the envelopes I used to steal our pinball money.

Yeah, no, it's a

American lexicon.

It's definitely considered a church.

But I mean,

as an ex-member, I definitely feel like I was.

Was there one thing you can point to that made you say, like, I have to leave?

I felt like I didn't have control over any aspect of my life.

She met me and the whole fucking

sex until marriage went out the fucking window, son.

Okay.

Do you know?

Cultbuster.

Since leaving the cult,

have you felt more control over your life?

Oh, absolutely.

Really?

Okay.

I was wondering.

I was hoping you were like, no.

Oh, no, there's a huge difference.

Like, the stuff I listen to is like, as a cost of her happiness, you're like, if only I could get that angle.

But it would have been a great point to make.

Does anybody really have control of their life?

Had I listened to this podcast when I was there,

I would have been sat down.

There would have been a private discussion between the leader and the other elders, just like when I went to college.

It was sat down one-on-one, well, one-on-three, I guess.

And they're talking to you about how

it wouldn't be good.

like this I they would have listened to this and all the coarse language and tattoos and and bribing kind of crazy and

camp doesn't have any tattoos you know what I mean like aunt tattoos and

like all of that

so

you leave the cult what are the ramifications what's the fallout from your family my mom left with me oh so you both left at the same time what and how do you Was she just feeling the same thing?

Like, I think it's time to go?

Or do you just control every ethic?

It Seems like, like, let's join a cult, mom.

Okay.

Let's leave a cult, mom, okay.

I was very disillusioned.

When does she stop listening to you?

I mean, you quit the cult.

You got a 20% raise.

That's fucking amazing.

I was very disillusioned, and I was sharing it with her.

And so she just kind of slowly stopped attending things.

So about a year after me, she had completely separated.

My brother, Eric, said it a while ago.

He's like, if Edgar wasn't around,

this is the fucking paradox.

If Edgar wasn't around, Pam 100% is the type that would join a cult

and then give us Kool-Aid like that.

She absolutely is.

No doubt about it.

Well, she's a witch.

She already kind of is in one.

She's a witch, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Grogan.

Yeah.

Yeah, the Grogan cult, the Grovenites.

Did the church try to

how aggressively did they try to recruit you back into the culture?

It was all like Scientology where.

It wasn't like they hired Private August.

Like they came to the house, dropped by, tried to talk to me, tried to call, tried to, like, Facebook messaging.

There was constant like we missed you like trying to guilt me into coming back like oh hey do they really think though that your soul is in danger by leaving the cult oh yeah so they're really there we're trying to help you i guess can we still have the 20 if you don't come back

and how long did they keep it up do they still try occasionally i still get a constant or not constant occasional

contact.

And do you ever feel like you ever say to yourself, like,

ever see yourself ever going back to it at any point?

That she got Tom Steve Dave now.

She'sn't even that.

that.

Yeah, right.

I went from one cult to another.

So before the cult, you had not listened to Tome Steve Dave?

No.

How did you find it then?

Listening to other podcasts.

Oh, okay.

I don't even.

Figuring out they sucked.

There's other podcasts.

I started out listening to the nerds.

That's rule number one of our cult.

There are no other podcasts.

You must denounce all the podcasts.

Denounce the nerdist.

I mean, I started there.

No, Matt's the nerdist, man.

Oh, that is?

Come on.

He's our friend.

All right.

Nerdist you can listen to.

You listen to Chip Chip.

I Sell Comics.

ISell Comics is penance.

If you use a credit card, you've got to listen to ISO Comics.

I noticed you're wearing hornrim glasses.

Yeah.

Can you explain to me the attraction of horn rim glasses?

Because they're demonic.

She's really reminiscent.

No, no, I'm not making fun of him because I'm literally, I kind of do want to know.

What do you mean by horn rimmed?

Well,

you don't think they're reminiscent.

Cat's eye.

Fine.

I think horn rim is a little more drastic, but I yeah, I get you.

No.

Okay, no.

No, which is fine.

I'm not even saying I don't like them.

It's like the plastic instead of the metal.

No, don't worry about it.

If you don't know, then we can't even talk about it.

It's okay.

It's over.

I just like the way they look.

They cover up my

sunken in eyes.

You don't like hornroom glasses, Kier?

No, no, I do like them.

I'm just curious as to why some people pick them.

Because they are a choice.

And I'm just curious.

But I do like them.

Have you felt that you've had, has your have you hit the age yet where you're starting to get a little blurry?

No, I actually had a vision test because I had to renew my license.

Perfect 2020.

He has the problem.

I used to have better than 2020.

So it's, you know, I haven't noticed it, but

it's going to happen.

But will you go contacts or will you go glasses?

I'll go glasses.

You go glasses.

Yeah, I'll go glasses.

If it gets better, I have to go LASIK.

LASIK?

Yeah.

Why is that brings you back all the way?

I got LASIK in 1998, somewhere around there.

And I can still, aside from the close-up stuff, which they said would happen, I can still see far away, perfectly.

Yeah.

Well, I have, I'm tonight, 20-20.

It's like, I'm good, but it's just.

Yeah, the close-up shit's annoying.

Really annoying if you don't have your glasses.

I can see perfectly from far away.

The only thing that's close, I'm like, it's blurry.

And if you try to take two steps with the glasses on, you're like, I'm going to throw up.

Yep, exactly.

Sucks.

So, what age did that start?

I would say 45, 46.

Oh, so I'm still approaching.

Yeah.

That's when I noticed that.

That was the first strange buddy.

You know,

that was the first sign of, you know, advancing age that your body would betray you.

Yeah.

Boner is still good, though.

Yeah, your boners on point.

I'm not going to talk about that.

Yeah.

No, with a religious woman.

Not really.

Did they talk about boners or anything?

Like, did they talk about that?

Oh, God, no sex talk.

No sex talk.

Sounds about right.

I didn't know anything about anatomy until I was well out.

What a fun learning process.

Then how did you learn about anatomy?

Like, how did that happen?

TV.

And were you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Were you

nervous when you saw it?

Were you like.

Like, you got out.

Were there residual feelings of guilt and shit?

Because, you know.

Absolutely.

Guilt and shame.

Religion is basically.

Did you guys use computers?

Yeah.

Yeah, we could.

We were supposed to.

I mean, it's all basically to your own devices in this, but it was very highly like

shame that you not use them too much.

The one, um,

the one guy only had dial-up until about a year and a half ago, from what I was saying.

Get him, like, lucky.

All right.

Well, any more, any more cult questions?

I mean, I do.

I want to know, like, like your friends.

Um, when you left, I'm sure some of them were like, what are you doing?

Are they still like, are they still in it?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't, I don't, there's literally one person who will talk to me without trying to pressure me into coming back.

Like, and her and I just have this, like, separation from, like, we're not going to talk about this.

So I still talk to her and her, I get to see her five kids.

So she's, I thought you weren't allowed to have sex if you're married, though.

Oh, she's married.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Five kids.

How old is she?

29, 30?

Wow.

Did they want families to have lots of kids?

Oh, yeah, lots of kids.

Why?

It indoctrinates the religion.

It builds up.

It builds the population.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean,

every single family had a kid before they were 24, 23.

And

just be Italians.

They said people were born into it or made you feel more inclusive.

Yeah.

Did they take those beers away from you?

Get yourself in trouble.

Fucking WAPs.

Come on, Ellis Island with your five group Ellis.

My greasy, disgusting mother was born in Italy.

I I've immunity to this.

Neville Don.

She was pregnant at 18.

Fucking horrible.

My mother has not owned a pair of shoes in 20 years.

Fucking Italian.

Where's my beers?

Kiddo, did you drink my beers?

Yeah, you drinking my fucking beers.

I work hard

writing a fucking movie.

So that's it for you then.

And now you look back and you're like, what the fuck?

What was I thinking?

Oh, yeah.

But you're a kid, so.

I was.

And like I said, I know that this isn't a cult by most people's standards, but as a person who left it,

and that's why I tried to tell you.

I was like, I don't know if this is going to.

But you were like, I don't want to know anything before I talk to you.

To your defense, though, he's the one I called it a cult.

He's the one that painted this picture.

That was like, you know,

I was harassed by a friend of hers.

She was in a cult.

And I tried to pass along.

Yeah, you said cult.

It sounds pleasant.

No.

It sounds nice.

You go camping.

Could you imagine yourself not knowing human anatomy until the age of 25?

Quinn?

Yeah, can you imagine that?

Yeah, can't imagine that before the age of eight.

Well, you had a blazer glory come out.

That was what I started to learn all about.

I can't.

I could drop some TMI on you, but it would be a pleasant for you.

It might be an appropriate thing.

No, now I'm fine with it.

What about alcohol?

No alcohol.

No, no, no, no, no.

Q would be Satan.

No.

No, no, no.

No swearing.

Like, the first time I heard one of them say, like, shit, I was just so scandalized.

Really?

One of my friends said it.

Did you have like communal wine or anything like that?

We did it on special occasions.

We did the Mass or whatever you wanted to do.

What about communal netty ice?

Was there anything there?

Nothing about communal net ice.

Any of that?

But the wine,

it wasn't like wine wine.

It was great to get it.

But who is the fucking guy in charge?

The guy that was in charge of this part was a guy named Rick.

What do you mean, this part?

Like, it's evangel evangelicals are all across America.

But what's a denomination, really?

Evangelicals.

It's non-denominational evangelicals.

So, what is he preaching?

A lot of hate stuff.

Good stuff?

Yeah.

Like, teaching all the puppies how to do the

hate stuff?

Like, that gays are bad.

Right.

And you believe that for many years.

That was one of the few things that I did not like.

What was something that you believed at the time that you learned is not true?

Sex is bad.

Well, that's not a hate thing.

That's not a hate thing.

What about aliens?

We didn't believe in it.

I mean, we didn't discuss aliens.

We're space aliens.

Yeah.

Honestly, that's fair.

What hate things did they drill into your head that you bought until you got out?

Hate things that I bought.

Abortion.

That was a big one.

Well, that's not really a hate.

That's a big thing.

Oh, no, you hate the people who have abortions.

Yeah.

You hate the people that get abortions.

That's a big one.

Okay, so you hate people who are pro pro-abortion.

You hate gay people.

Do you hate black people?

Were there black people?

Because if you're honestly anything, I was wondering if that was.

There are not any black people in my church.

Or state racism.

That's fair.

Pennsylvania is very white.

No, I mean, there wasn't any

racist

hate.

Like, it wasn't.

Because there's nobody to hate, right?

Because everyone's like Lily White.

It's a very white area.

Do you find yourself not believing in God now?

Oh, yeah.

Do you think you'll ever find a point in your life where you could think you'd become more spiritual or religious, not on that level, but some other type of

podcast?

Yeah, you know, like a real

religious outlet.

I don't know if that's.

Spiritual, like Buddhism or something.

Well, I mean, ten years ago, I would have never thought I could have said that I was an atheist.

Like, I would have thought I would have been struck down, like, that I was going to go to hell.

Did you hear what the Pope said recently?

There is no hell?

This Pope is real chill.

I'm kind of okay with this.

Did you hear that?

Somebody said that he had

been changing the rules and shit.

Now there's no hell.

He said there's no hell.

He said there's no hell, and what happens is the souls that are condemned to hell, they don't actually go to hell and get punished.

They just disappear.

They don't exist anymore.

But they're not

folks to hell.

Wait, the Pope is a voice of God.

Here's what he said in a newspaper article or a magazine article.

I imagine there's a lot of pushback pushback on that.

Yeah, he got a lot of blowback from that.

More so than Brian got for his Black Panther comments.

You mean more than seven emails

from a bunch of babies with too much time on their hands?

Well, BBC is saying the Pope did not.

Sorry, Gambit.

Oh, the Pope did not say that.

Did not say that.

Yeah.

Of course.

He's got a back.

I mean, it's like, he's got to backtrack that shit.

But why?

If he's the voice of God, then he shouldn't be backtracking.

I think he probably got called on the carpet by whoever was like, hey, you can't say that, man.

We got a whole, whole, for the whole of the...

We got a whole racket going on.

You can't be all the vote repercussions.

All the cardinals got together.

The souls of sinners descend into hell where they suffer eternal fire, the Catholic catechism states.

However, this latest guy, I guess, said there's nowhere in Catholic teaching that actually says any one person is in hell.

Whoa.

He was apparently exploring the imagery of hell, fire, and brimstone and all that.

There's never been a part of Catholic teaching.

It's been a part of Catholic

iconography.

I don't know how to pronounce that word.

Iconography.

Iconography?

I don't even know if I've ever said that word in my life.

I've never seen Brian Johnson correctly.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever said that word.

Iconography.

Whoa.

If it won't, if a fucking Popeye.

If the Pope clearly says there's no hell, does that change the game for everything and everybody?

I think it changes the game for some people, but I think there are some people who

would still live their life,

still leave that good moral life.

They're not just going to go all of a sudden wake up and be like, no hell?

Okay, I'm going to go out and commit Sodom and Gomorrah.

But the purge doesn't start.

I was about to just say, tell him Steve David, go do that right now.

Yeah, I don't think that there are some people who might, I think a small fraction would be like, oh, there's no price to pay.

Let me go

do whatever I want.

What would you do?

Get him if there was no price to pay?

On Mike.

Get him if you're going to have that.

But if there's also,

if there's no hell and there's only heaven and nothingness, that means if you're not good, then you banish to nothingness, which in essence would be a version, would have to be like a hell.

Yeah.

Do you believe?

I never pinned you down on this.

Remember.

Yeah, you work for me.

You should go 20% of what you make today.

I do.

I buy comics here.

So.

Do you believe or are you a non-believer?

I believe that there is a higher power.

Rubbing your hands into the mic, freak.

He's fucking dead.

We're

putting him on the spot here.

He's the only popular fucking rope.

The minefield.

I believe there's a higher power.

I don't believe that

he or they or she meddle with our lives on a daily basis like, you know, in the old.

I hope you're going to ignore big time.

Yeah.

Like big time.

Will someone please meddle?

I need some medal.

You don't have to meddle.

You're happy, right?

I can use some more happiness, I would say.

Oh, here we go.

I love this.

What do you mean?

In what way?

I love the track.

No, no, I want you to be happy.

In what way?

In what way?

I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but

like I said, I.

I can name like five things on your behalf if you'd like me to.

But,

like, you know,

I feel like I can reconcile it with the Big Bang and everything.

And that we know what happened after

the point, but I believe that, you know, God was instructed to be able to get away from the future.

Can you just answer?

Can you just answer Q's question?

One thing that you think would make your life better, make you a little happier.

Yeah, healthier.

You don't need five grand to lose weight.

You don't even step on a scale.

I'm waiting for the scale.

I've been waiting for the scale.

Yeah, we had to have it specially constructed.

We're not doing the show on the side of the turnpike at the truck stop.

I'm happy to hear that

you believe in a higher power.

I mean,

it makes my heart feel good.

It really does.

I wish that these two could get on board with that.

I think.

Yeah, me too.

I wish I could delude myself into it.

I do.

You'll see me when I'm older.

Well, maybe there's something to it.

Well, a worst case scenario now, you get blinked out of existence.

That's it.

So it's like you fall asleep.

That's how I thought it happened anyway, so it's no big deal.

But this is my point about that.

Like, if I go to heaven and all my friends aren't there and my family is.

I feel like I am right now.

I'm looking at an angel.

And now it's not even ungodly.

Straight from heaven.

And she's your legal wife.

That's right.

You're my property.

There's a rule of thumb.

The rule of thumb.

Old Testament.

The rule of thumb.

Where's that switch?

Where's my switch girl?

I'm going to stripe you, girl.

But Q, why are are you assuming your friends won't be there?

I'm going to beat her.

You'll be there.

No doubt about it.

I'm all you need up in heaven.

All right, well, hold on.

I'm going to teach you how to play a harp.

If I've ever met a motherfucker that's going to sit at the right hand of God, it's just a judgmental cocksucker.

That's true.

Right, but like you get there, and like none of us are there.

Oh, I could deal with that.

What if God, like, no,

I'm waiting for it in this life.

But like, what if one of your daughters decides she's an atheist and then she's not there?

No, it's not happening.

Right, but what if

not my house?

I don't know.

The younger one, she's like, she's got a mind of her own, right?

Artistic and true.

But what if,

like, like, not you, but what if someone says they go there and they believe that they had one wayward daughter and she's not there?

Isn't that an eternal heartbreak?

I'm trying to.

I'm sorry, I wasn't here, and I was still thinking about the...

I'm sorry.

I know.

He rocked her off.

If a family goes to heaven, but there was one daughter that didn't make the connection.

Oh, my God.

Like, how is that heaven, knowing that your sister and wife, and daughter got freaked out of existence?

Because you know the rules.

You know the rules.

Yeah, but you can't just accept that.

You know the rules going in.

Like you were told, there's a price to pay.

So fuck them?

No, we feel sorrow up in heaven.

We're going to be sad

because that one didn't get in, but

she knew the rules.

Why don't we confer from heaven?

In case you're wondering, I'm just going to head back in a little while.

So it's not all.

She knew the price.

She knew that, like, if you don't.

Yeah, but you're paying the price.

How so?

Because you're missing your love.

But I'm in heaven, though.

So, like, I

but I'm in heaven, though.

So, like, it's so

from what I'm told, it's so unbelievably amazing.

You just forget your daughter.

Who told you this?

That's what we, that's what, uh, at least that's my version of heaven that it's like, it's like ecstasy.

Yeah, and you'd know non-stop.

Like, you wake up in the morning and you just get a blowjob, and then

you get to watch.

There's no blowjobs in hell.

I'd rather be blinked out of existence.

I think sex is not anything,

it means nothing in the afterlife.

I think that's a human base.

What do you think?

Is it better than sex?

What are you talking about?

It means nothing to me now.

But there is, I've never had, this isn't even a joke.

I've never had a better feeling than an orgasm.

It's the best feeling in the world.

Wait till you get to heaven.

Then you'll be like, holy shit.

What I thought was awesome

is basically like root canal.

That's what an orgasm will feel like.

So like a nice.

Don't worry, you'll also feel sorrow in case something doesn't go your way.

So I just feel it in my bones walking around, floating.

Floating or playing my harp.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, like the things that

our brains can't

register.

They can't accept what heaven's going to be like.

So

we have to try to describe it and try to feel and

equate it to things that we feel on earth, on the earthly

emotions.

Yeah, human experiences.

Yeah, but

blowjobs and orgasms, forget about it.

That is like so you're evolved.

You're a peasant.

I don't want to evolve past the blowjob.

I don't want to.

I would rather be stuck in an eternal cycle.

Pokemon.

If heaven was this feeling and hell was just blowing jobs, I'd be like, whatever, man.

I'm down.

It's 2018.

The Bible does lay out a picture.

Where's the rest of my beer?

Where is it?

Pull out that hog.

Get him.

Talk about my hog.

So what if, though,

what if, like, you know,

angels are...

Yeah.

Let's say there is a version of angel coitus.

Angel Coitus.

Oh, my God.

I'd watch that porn.

Right, that'd be amazing.

But it's not like on Earth, though.

Well, then what is it like?

The only way you can feel that, like, you feel an orgasm here is you got to blow a dude there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If that was the rules, I get to heaven.

They're like, here's your harp.

Yep, here you go.

There's a movie theater playing, Jaws, like high def.

Like, it's a fun place, you know what I mean?

Yeah, 4K Jaws.

You get to experience orgasm, but you have to blow dudes.

But when they come, you come.

Right.

I would totally blow dudes all day in that.

It's not gay in heaven.

I don't give a shit if it is gay in heaven.

It doesn't matter to me.

What do I care anymore?

You guys are fucking.

I just want to keep going off the ranch.

I just got to get, I got to get mine.

I don't care who else gets theirs.

I think we should all get ass.

And then the curtain opens and you're like, it's really hell, though.

Like Java's Palace.

Where it's like somebody who, whoo,

are we still coming?

Yeah.

You thought you were in heaven, but you're really in hell.

Right.

So every gay person who sucks a dick, essentially, you're saying they're like, No, no, no, I'm just on earth.

No, I'm just saying that, like, I don't think that, again, I really believe this, though.

I'm not fooling around.

I don't believe that sex or

anything like those pleasures, human pleasures, are

gone and mean, nothing.

No, in a second, nothing insignificant.

There's none in heaven.

What if there's none on earth?

When do you get it?

Does this resemble the teachings of

your cult?

The heaven he's describing?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, biblically.

Certainly not the one Q's describing.

Biblically,

basically, it's just gold streets and towns.

You can go do that in Soho.

You know, the one you're describing.

Because I don't, because I don't, I wouldn't.

You've got to take it to heaven.

If I can go to Soho and...

Just rent that theater and play Jaws.

Yeah.

Blue dudes one after the other.

Why am I coming?

What is going on?

Doesn't sound like it's not working.

Listen Listen to my harp.

Toon gets you in the mood.

So you're telling me that if you came every time you blew a dude hard,

you would have blown a dude.

I'd be blown dudes.

Yeah, of course.

For fuck's sake.

Yeah.

Right, get him?

That's a secret formula.

You would?

Ew!

I knew it.

You insounded him.

It was all a trap.

It was all a trap.

You're gross.

This is going to play for three months.

It's yours.

Get him, have you gone to church ever?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went to a Catholic school, so we went to, well, we had convocation every morning, which is pretty much like church.

You know, we all said prayers, sang songs.

Speak in tongues?

No, no speaking in tongues.

Confessions?

If you wanted to go to confession, you could.

Did you ever confess something you wish you didn't confess?

I don't think I ever confessed.

I'd love the taste of priest semen.

It means I'm going to come soon.

You They ever did confessions?

No.

No.

No.

I found that to be.

Did you guys do confessions?

I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

I found that to be the strangest aspect of religion, is that

most awkward, I should say.

It's the only reason I would want to be a priest is to hear everyone's dark secrets.

I would love to do it.

I would love to do that.

Sit there and just be like, hey, because all you got to say is like, hey, are you sorry?

And they're like, yeah, it's like, all right, say a couple of Hail Marys and come back next week after you do something else fucked up.

How do you think think, like, who do you think, not you, but a normal priest, do you think he feels?

Do you think that's his, like,

his cinemax?

His skinemax?

Do you think that's his, like, like his

artist?

He's like, he's waiting.

Like, oh,

I know this housewife's coming in today, and last time she told me a doozy.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's definitely a good thing.

She was fucking this hunky TV star,

former fireman.

Wait, it's not my wife, is it?

Brian,

Brian, trust me, it's not your wife.

I've tried.

I've tried so many times.

I like it.

You're going to heaven, baby.

You're an angel.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is try.

She married you.

Married you?

Do I think the priests?

Not getting into it, but do you think that there's a little bit more, or do you think they hate it, that aspect of it?

Or do you think there's a little level of like, this is why i took this job like a little sort of like fringe benefit a little fringe

little peek on the like behind the curtain of like what people are up to in suburbia um

i i don't i i can't even i cannot try to get into the mindset of a priest like i can

i think so because like like in confession it's never like she's gonna say like well i cheated on my husband she's not gonna be like and then she pulled out my blouse and you know what i mean like it's not salacious what's he getting off on you know?

Well, they got nothing.

They got nothing else, though.

They have the internet just like everybody else.

Oh, no, they don't do that.

Some of them molest children.

I guarantee you.

No, they don't.

Some of them definitely.

Yeah.

That was in the olden days.

That was in the 2000s.

That was the olden days, a year ago.

Isn't it weird, though?

You know what I found out about Confession was when you would go and you'd have the screen like five weeks in a row between you and the guy.

And then six weeks, on the sixth week, you'd have to go in that room room with no screen and you'd have to sit one-on-one with them because the line was too long.

And then you're sitting there looking at some dude and you're like, I lied.

You never did that?

I've never given a confession.

You didn't do that for

like when you guys got married.

I had to fucking take a class.

I took a class, but it wasn't a confession.

For Cana?

Yeah.

Yeah, you never gave confession ever?

Never.

Oh, shit.

When's the last time you gave confession?

In school?

High school.

Yeah.

For me, it's way fifty.

Was it just stuff like I lied?

Well,

it was shit like that.

I got too much pussy again this week, Father.

Yeah, I never talked about sex at all in there.

I never, like, it was never, but it was always like I lied or always some shit like that.

It was always a little bit different.

Did you offer up something lame so you didn't have to give the good stuff?

No, I never really felt the good stuff was worth

felt it was good.

You know what I mean?

I was never like

that.

Yeah, I was like, you know, it was always the same shit week in, week out.

Q, Walt, and I are all high priests of this Tellum Steve Dave cult.

So if you wanted to make a confession right now,

we would hear it.

A lot of other people would too.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Is there something you want to tell us?

Wait a second, though.

I have no idea what you're fishing for.

I'm trying to read your mind, and it's not working.

Welcome to Monroe.

If we really did open, like you said, open the church so that every ant would have to give us 20% of their income.

I think you could probably get 10.

Bove and beyond skull sales.

You have to have a skull in order to be, you know.

Well, yeah, that's it.

If you're going to come to the service, you've got to bring your skull.

Have you guys seen the rabid following?

If you guys opened a compound, people would move in.

That would be awesome.

Oh, my God.

When people talk about TESD towels, you don't even want to hear their emails.

And they're not going to hear the monster.

We're not allowed in.

There's no rabble rousers.

There's no yesman in my culture.

There's no way.

There's no way.

You don't want to be in charge of all that shit.

I had a good time at the pinball thing, man.

There's a very, like, good people.

Yeah, that's collected a lot.

We had a lot of fun with the pinball thing.

I also have 15 drinks in me.

Well, I have 15 drinks in me at all.

F.

We don't do that.

That's why you have accolades and shit.

It's like a step down.

We sit around all day doing whatever the fuck we want.

Micromanagers.

And then, yeah.

And then we got like Giddam.

He'll go and do shit.

Got Kim now.

She's experienced in cults, so she's going to help do shit.

I don't know.

I think Kim's experience.

Like experienced in camping.

I don't know if I'm giving her the cult status.

I told you that this is.

my.

Giddam has experience.

She fell in a river.

I was going to say, Get him a five minute experience.

I think you just went to Action Park on the shit.

Everyone's wearing the same shirt.

Are you sure you weren't part of a recreation?

Don't feel bad, Kim.

20 minutes ago, I was sucking dick in the East Village and watching Jealous and calling it heaven.

Welcome to Tell him, Steve Dave.

And Gidham, you have experience taking baths in ponds.

What was the one thing that you would say, like, oh, if only we had this?

Like, so you coveted something, which you probably couldn't admit to anyone, right?

If you coveted shit.

When you were in the cult.

Yeah, like you were 16.

Sure.

What did I covet at 16?

Yeah, what did you covet that you were like, ooh, I'd be in big trouble?

Big trouble.

Well, I mean, I was super horny because I was 16.

You weren't allowed to masturbate.

I mean.

They checked?

No, but I mean, you felt the guilt and the shame.

Well, I wasn't.

You do that.

You feel that anyway.

I've hardly

allowed to go see movies?

Not R-rated ones.

Star Wars and stuff?

Like, well, like, was like fantasy frowned upon?

Yeah, just like Harry Potter wasn't allowed, neither was like.

Why Harry Potter?

Because it's witchcraft.

It's witchcraft.

Yeah.

And that's why she does the Harry Potter podcast.

What's the name of it, so in case people like Harry Potter?

Well, I know I got him sitting next to one, and he was a fucking Harry Potter fanatic.

Oh, that's right.

You like the gay one.

I forgot about that.

I like Harry Potter.

Which gay one?

Who's the gay wizard in Harry Potter?

We're talking about the picture.

Dumbledore.

Oh, yeah.

Dumbledore was gay.

Didn't they say you were Dumbledore?

No, no, he said that I wasn't sure.

That's because he's got the gay gay.

She said he was gay if Harry.

He's not gay in the books.

Oh, he doesn't do anything gay.

He doesn't do anything gay in the books of the movies.

She just said he's gay.

And now they're doing the movies without that aspect of it, too.

So far.

Yeah, I've read all the books.

I've seen all the movies.

I've read a book.

I've read the books through twice.

I've seen the movies.

You've got them all your books though?

Collect them?

I have them somewhere, yeah.

I got through within 10 minutes of the first movie.

I was like, it's all gay.

It shit sucks.

I know those movies are so.

I have my books and my Harry Potter book light.

Hey, Harry Potter's awesome.

I agree.

Harry Potter's.

I'm sorry.

I just can't.

I just, it just looks like it's.

There's no difference between Harry Potter and comic books.

It's the same.

I know.

Look.

I know it's so hypocritical, but it just looks so.

It just looks so correct.

Oh, yeah.

It is.

Why is it corny?

I disagree.

I have a boy on a broomstick.

So what?

It's just, it just, like, how good can it really be, though?

How, like,

how well written can it really be?

Oh, you've never read it?

Very well written.

Okay.

And people like, again, this guy's at 10, so I do respect, especially.

My favorite shows, the best shows I've ever watched, most of them come from Q.

He's like, oh, you should watch this.

Books I've read, most of the really good books.

I have one blemish on my record.

My record.

That got stricken.

Got stricken by Deadwood.

Yeah, that's true.

You promised me that that got off the record.

Oh, so

you tried the Harry Potter on his recommended recording.

No, no, no.

I didn't know he liked it that much until right now.

I mean, I like it.

I'm standing up for it.

I wouldn't sit there and be like, I'm a fucking Potterhead, but I do think that's very good.

What you should read is the Dark Tower books by Stephen King.

That's like a fucking better version of a series.

Or, of course, it's fucking Stephen King.

It's not about

Stephen King.

Steve Johnson doesn't fly anymore, man.

It's J.K.

Rowland.

No, Harry Potters are really well written, man.

They're good.

They're good.

The movies are good.

What's the name of your podcast again?

I forgot.

It's Harry Potter Revisited.

Harry Potter Revisited.

And you talk about Harry Potter every week?

I mean, we devolve, but yes.

What's your best episode?

Is there a Make and Hang episode of

Harry Potter?

We do not have a Make and Hang.

What's your favorite Harry Potter book?

You know, you're going to have Prisoner.

I'm going to ask you after you join our cult.

I'm cool with that.

The third book is your favorite?

Yeah.

It's pretty dark.

Oh, yeah.

What's it called?

Prisoner Beth.

How many episodes have you recorded?

We're at like 36.

Okay, Okay, so you've been over a year doing it?

No.

52 weeks in a year.

Oh, shit.

Oh, so you're doing.

According to our calendar.

Yeah, that would be

at the TSD compound.

It's definitely island time.

So you've been doing it for

week in and week out.

You put an episode out?

I mean, we've missed two or three weeks, but yeah.

All right.

So you start for almost a little over half a year.

Yeah.

What's the go-to episode then?

If you're going to say someone is just going to like, I want you, if you're going to listen to it, listen to this episode.

I don't remember what we talk about the minute I stop editing.

What?

Yeah, that's why I'm like, what is it that you guys could talk about for 36 weeks about this shit?

Well, I mean, we talk about each chapter.

We're rereading it chapter by chapter.

We just read it aloud?

No, it's not an audio book.

We talk about each chapter.

Oh, each episode, we discuss it and we make jokes.

We break it down.

Yeah.

So you're up to chapter 36 in the first book?

No, there's not 36 chapters in the first book.

We're on the second book.

Okay.

And do you see, does it get like,

is it just fanning out or do you get critical of it too?

Where you're like, I hate it this point.

You tear it apart.

We, because we love it so much, we make fun of it.

We just make jokes, basically.

Just really crass shit.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you ever listen to it?

Get them?

I know you're not.

No, I think I'm.

I've never listened to it.

I'm going to have to subscribe.

You read the books?

Yeah.

Huh.

You don't have to subscribe to them?

I still have all my nailers from when they released the first day.

I'm down.

I'm down.

I believe it.

What other books have you read?

This is the company you keep this.

I'm going to read

them.

I just actually downloaded a bunch of his books from Tablet.

Frank Herbert Doon.

Me and Giddam right now.

We're reading a book together.

What book?

The Brady 12 or The Brady Network.

The TV 12.

The Tom Brady method.

Yeah, we're reading Tom Brady's autobiography together.

We're thinking about starting a podcast on it and breaking down

the chapters, right?

Yeah.

Tell them what we learned about Night Shape.

Wait, what?

Wait, Wait, I'm sorry.

I missed out.

You're breaking down what?

Tom Brady?

Yeah, me and Gim are reading the book, and we don't want to get too far ahead of each other so we can talk about it at one point.

I thought you were on episode 74, covering the kiss.

But tell Q about what we learned about Nightshade.

TB12, it's called?

Yeah.

About Nightshade and strawberries.

No, it's actually tomatoes.

Tomatoes are.

Well, it's part of Nightshade.

We know that.

Yes, they're in the Nightshade family.

So that's why Tom Brady doesn't keep eating them.

It's a fucking.

It's about fitness.

But it's about all.

It's about him, too.

He's seen through a personal lens.

But everything is about fitness.

It's from Brady's perspective.

It's about fitness, I say again.

It's not.

But you are not subscribing to either of these.

We haven't finished the book yet.

But I mean, I'm sure chapter one is not whatever's going on in his life.

What are you talking about?

We're learning about the man first.

Hydration, pliability, all this stuff.

Tom Brady has never gotten a sunburn.

Because he stays hydrated.

You're claiming you get drunk every night to fall asleep.

You're making the claim that you are now in the hydration.

Plus, I've seen you sunburned as shit.

This is before we read the book, though.

No, but you've read that chapter.

I'm hydrating more.

You're an alcoholic.

Look, my red nose is not sunburned.

Textbook definition of plainatively.

What are you talking about?

Like, watch Leaving Las Vegas.

That's for you, Nicholas K.

Yeah.

That's not what our podcast is about, the TV talk.

Well,

it's our own person.

We're not putting this podcast.

We're not putting this as a real podcast.

Like, when we get to talk about it, we talk about why he said it and if there's maybe hidden meanings to what he said, though, because I don't believe

there's some sort of code in the Tom Brady book that's not just

getting sunburned.

We we both theorized that he just like Walt he's also a super scholar yes yeah okay what chapter are you guys on

what chapter are you on we're on chapter three chapter three okay I want to hear this podcast if you guys don't call it the goats I'm gonna be very disappointed

all right so if I order this book now I'm doing an audio book but why like okay

you can like when you're driving around or you can just pop it on like we're doing yeah we got we got the written book and the audiobook read by Tom Brady yeah listen to the audio book drink three gallons of water.

But why do you tell him why he doesn't like nightshade?

Because it's detrimental to your system.

Nightshade?

No.

No, tomatoes are part of a nightshade family.

He is very strict about eating anything with tomatoes.

Didn't you just wolf down an entire pizza?

What the fuck?

We're not done with the book yet, people.

You sucked off a pizza and a cane tomato in your mouth.

The only thing missing was jaws.

He had red sauce all over his face.

You guys think that just because we're reading it that we're going to become Tom Brady?

No.

That was the end.

That thing crossed my mind.

Sleep well tonight, Walt.

I'm not judging you in that way.

But the reason he doesn't eat tomatoes, likes to limit his tomato use is because tomatoes cause inflammation of the joints.

Okay, I'm going to have another slice while you talk about this.

And

he doesn't believe in weight workout, like pumping iron.

I remember you said that.

Yeah, he likes to be pliable more than muscular.

It helps him absorb hits.

Well, that makes sense for a guy who's a quarterback.

He's not a linebacker, so he doesn't need to crush people.

It kind of makes sense, but you know what?

Until

2018, no one's ever said that out loud, though.

So,

how come it took so long to figure out

pliability is maybe more advantageous than

being jacked up?

Because Because there are tons of great quarterbacks who have not been playable, and

nobody thought it was necessary.

You're saying he's the greatest quarterback of all time.

I think so.

That's widely he's regarded as?

I think a lot of people.

But there's, I mean, that's up for debate.

Right.

It's objective, but

popular opinion is he's up there.

Oh, yeah.

He's one of the top top

in the in the history of the of the sport.

Yeah, he'd be in a top, at least easily top five.

Right.

And there have not been any playable quarterbacks prior to this or not, but most most most of the time, well, quarterbacks aren't built like

Arnold because they don't need to be.

Right.

You know, but he's even less defined, although he is ripped.

He is awesome.

But

he's not like.

But he's not like chiseled.

Well, get him.

I mean, if not working out is one of the tenets that you're doing with so far.

We haven't finished the book yet.

And it's hard for, like, he wants to read a chapter one night, and I'm like,

and I can't read it, so I tell him, don't read ahead, wait for me.

And then, you know, I've been causing us to stall a little bit here, and it's definitely my fault.

But don't you think that

you're a successful man?

Beautiful family.

Well, that depends on,

again, it's up for debate

what's successful.

By my definition, you're a homeowner.

You have two successful, three successful careers.

You have a beautiful family.

Okay.

You have a lovely dog who does not give a Hitler salute.

I got two lovely dogs.

Two lovely dogs that do not give Hitler salutes.

You're a good person.

You're generally well-liked.

Don't you think that maybe

you should be instructing Giddam?

I've tried.

You've tried.

I've tried.

I must admit that I get frustrated, though, and then I stop trying.

He's unteachable.

But I think us reading this book together, though,

it allows us to, it allows me also to, not only the TB method, but the WF method can also seep in too while we're talking about it.

Oh,

I know you like Tom Brady.

Is it difficult to read with all the pages stuck together?

Don't worry about it, smart ass.

He got it off from me on a PDF.

A little index to take care of that.

Oh, get it.

What happened to the iPad I bought you?

You just threw it out?

No, I said I got this for my Jeep.

But that's not what I asked.

I said, well, what happened to the iPad?

That thing is like nothing I've ever seen.

It looks like a giant iPhone, kind of.

It's a synthesis.

We better wrap it up, though, because we're going to see Monster Magnet tonight.

That's true.

It's an hour and a half before he's on.

Yeah, well, you know, I thought we could, you know, we got, how long is that ride from here to the Starland?

I don't know.

But his new album came out.

Did you pick it up?

I did not.

I picked it up

called Mind Effer.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You said that you'd wish that he had him.

Yeah, I mean, I don't say wish is a strong word.

I don't know.

But the two standout tracks, if you're interested,

if somebody's on the fence about buying his new album,

is

Drowning.

Oh, great song.

Great lyrics.

And another song called All Day Midnight.

I hope he plays them tonight.

Yeah, I hope he plays them this week.

He probably will, right?

The last time we went to see him, remember, he faced the other

in the opposite direction.

It was like fiddling with his aunt for a while.

He definitely was preoccupied with something that was going on with behind the scenes.

Yeah, like his amplifier or something.

Yeah,

it was crazy how much time he spent with his back to the audience trying to get that whatever he was trying to fix right.

Yeah.

Now, I know that

when Q was celebrated on the Devil's broadcast,

and you being a fan, it hit you kind of hard.

Now, we're going today, you and I,

general admission.

Yes.

Hugh's going,

he's sitting in a special celebrity seat.

Is this the devil's all over again?

Not at all, because when Dave's album dropped, I bought it the second it was available.

And I listened to it, then I listened to it, and then I sent him an email.

I didn't even say I was going to the show.

I just sent him an email going like, hey, man, I picked up the album.

Kicks ass as usual.

And he wrote back, thanks.

He goes, hey, I want to let you know I'm playing a show

at the Starland.

You want to come?

I'll get you in.

And I was like, hey, I already got tickets already.

So I would have got, this is one that I would have got.

Where Q's sitting, I could have got in there too.

But he could have still offered that, even though you have the ticket, right?

He could have been like, oh, and by the way,

you know what?

I didn't, I didn't, I want to, I don't want to, like, Q's getting in for, I don't even, Q's getting in for free, isn't he?

I believe so, yeah.

We're wondering because the devil celebrated you, and that was Walt's thing.

Now, Magnet is celebrating you by letting you sit in the model section with all the models and shit.

I assume we're all sitting there, yeah.

It's not Magnet, it's the manager of the place.

Okay, I'm not sure.

The manager of the venue.

Got you.

Yeah.

So to me, yeah, like

if Dave had personally got him into that section,

then I might maybe a little

jilted.

A little twinge of jealousy, but not in this case.

Okay.

Did you buy your tickets?

I brought my tickets, yeah.

We bought them.

Well, maybe if you would ask Dave for tickets, he would have to.

I didn't want to, though.

Yeah.

Because it's a very intimate setting anyway, and I feel like

it's not expensive.

I want to support the dude.

It's the same place we went to.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not that intimate.

It's wall-to-wall people.

I want to sit in this stage.

I want to sit, too.

I'm hoping that wherever they're sitting you is like you can sit and still see the

stage.

That would be awesome.

I guess, yeah.

Yeah.

It'll be fun.

This is my first concert in since the last Monster Magnet show.

No, well, I mean, well, I went with my daughter to a whole bunch of shows, but I guess this is my first concert with the guys, the Boys Night Out.

Wow.

Since what?

Directly to the venue, directly home afterwards?

2014.

Boys Are Back at 7.

Kiss?

Was that 2014?

When we went to see Kiss?

Yeah.

Well, that was part of Comic Book Man.

Well, you wrote the boys.

Yeah, but that was working now.

I can make more there, so not really.

No comment.

So that's it.

I felt like

it would get our metal blood up hearing all this cult talk, but it just seems like an overly zealous church experience.

Sorry.

That's all right.

Don't worry.

You'll have horror stories to tell once you break free of the Tellum Steve Dave cult.

No, once this goes out, I'll get all the hatred from everybody.

Welcome to our world.

Not really.

Say what you think, and everybody's on your ass for it.

What's the alternative?

The alternative?

Not saying it?

Or what you think everybody loving you?

Who the fuck wants that?

That's never going to happen.

What's that?

What was that, Q?

Saying what you believe in and everybody loves you for it?

Who wants that?

That sounds horrible, too.

Well, I don't know.

That doesn't sound happy.

Yeah, it does.

You have to have a certain level of

combativeness in you, I think.

A little healthy debate.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can't have somebody just telling you you're great all the time.

Trust me.

I have a feeling like...

Once in a while would be nice.

That's kind of what you struggle with.

Go back to what we talked about last week.

There's no healthy debate over anything.

That's the problem.

It's all just fucking fucking endless bitching and moaning.

People lose sight of it.

I think it's also he struggles with

the,

he hears when people are saying these things, or he reads them when these things are being said.

They're like telling him what to do.

That's the worst thing you can do to a Brian Johnson is tell him what to do.

Right?

I mean, that is like, that's his kryptonite is when is someone telling him what to do.

But

like, I don't know.

You don't want to hurt anybody.

No, I don't want to hurt anybody.

But I also, I don't read the news.

Like, the only news I get is like if I listen to a podcast.

Like, I don't really look at.

You must have got the news about that dog.

The dog because I heard on the Jim and Sam show.

Like, I was going to read this thing about this deaf police officer that Troy sent me.

A police department in Texas just hired its first ever deaf female officer.

I'll bet you they're lining up to be her partner.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

How's that even possible?

Well, let me tell you, Q.

Well, do you need to have hearing to be a police officer?

I would say so.

I would say it's a pretty fucking thing.

When people yell help, you should be hearing.

Well, even if it's yes, one, yeah, sure, two.

But, like, you need all your senses when you're trying to solve crimes, no?

What if someone's shooting at you?

I don't know, Daredevil.

He's blind.

He solved some crimes.

Oh, but he made up for it with, well, not real, but he also made up for it with,

you know, echolocation.

This is the second I read this, I'm like, oh my God.

So, this is what the lady says, Erica Trevino.

And look, I'm all about people with disabilities overcoming obstacles and shit, but not at the risk of putting, you know, someone else's life in jeopardy.

It's a passion of mine, said Erica Trevino, newly hired police officer at Delhi PD.

It's not something I just want.

It's something God has called me to do.

This fucking second you bring that into the conversation, I'm like, I'm sorry, but that is absurd.

It's absurd.

And it shouldn't be like, again, I'm for inclusivity, all that shit.

But you can't here, I'm in for inclusivity.

People should be included in shit.

But like, not

based on disabilities or whatever.

This, though.

But can't she just work at the, like, like, you know, filing.

A dispatcher?

Filing paperwork.

No, can't she be a secretary cop?

I don't think that's what she's doing.

But I don't say, like, nobody that I know even speaks sign language, so how can everybody communicate?

Well, she speaks four different sign languages, but

is she completely deaf, though?

I believe so.

Did she have one of those miracle ears?

Yeah, she's like, I got to do another podcast.

I was up late one night.

I got that in a fucking hurricane landing.

I have concerns about this.

Like, I don't understand how, like, what do they say?

How do they explain she can handle her job?

Like, how does she take a radio call?

Right, that's what I mean.

She has a partner who's now doing double duty because the chick can't hear.

I think it, I mean, you're not really doing double duty.

Yeah, because a cop is really doing double duty.

You're in the fucking field and you're trying to interrogate someone and a fucking dude's coming up behind you and the lady doesn't hear it.

I mean, there's a lot of fucking conversations.

I feel like if we asked Troy, he'd be like, hey, I'd rather not.

Is she on the streets, though?

Do we know that she's on the street patrol?

It says here:

the first six months on the job, she will be partnered with a field training officer and work the night shift.

Her goal is to work in criminal investigations division after she climbs up the ranks at the department.

I don't know if she's in the field or not.

I mean, field training officer sounds like she is.

Yeah.

I mean, she could have a, like, even if she has.

Her other senses might be so high, though.

Does she have one of those giant horns she can put up to her ear?

I mean, I'm curious because, like, she, like, even if her mind is a steel trap, like,

the demands of the job is that you could hear people's,

you could hear danger.

No?

I, I would think.

How much do you think hearing plays into the role of your everyday copy?

On average, I'd say 100%.

Yeah, yeah, just on average.

I mean, there's a reason it's not to have radios.

It's so you can communicate with other officers and get information.

Maybe she'll feel the vibrations, though, and the radio is coming in, though.

Yeah, but what do you want to do?

And then hand it to the dude?

And then he's going to have to tell her what they said.

It's, yeah.

Maybe they'll have like, you know, it'll be

a region.

It'll come out spelled out on a special radio or something.

She's going to read in the middle of a gunfight?

High-speed chase?

I don't think you need to hear the gunfight.

I think your eyes are more important than your ears when you're in a fucking gunbat.

You're taking cover and you're waiting for them to reload so you can pop up.

Somebody's yelling to you, like, hey, there's someone behind you, or there's

yeah, I think hearing is probably pretty important.

Let's let her fail before you fucking before you bash her.

I've got nothing to do with it.

I know.

You don't have to want to hear me.

I know what you're doing.

Were you following that?

You know what he's doing?

I have to argue it passionately.

Yeah, yeah,

it has to be real in my mind.

But there's a brighter story.

A brighter story.

Yeah, there's a blind pygmy who they're hiring as an airline pilot.

Yay, diversity!

Tell him, Steve.

You see, I gotta be a rich and though.

You see, I gotta be a rich and though.

The shop tutorial to execute a money looter.

I go to hell within hell in a mouth of Buddha.

Dancing, I got your pants in and out of breath.

When you heard the house and words on the voice of death,

you're in a fucking one.

Now I do this to like the fucking last number one.

Now I'm setting the words out.

Setting anything I think is coming for.

I gotta be a rich and no, not a perpetrator.

Created another close to a duplicate.

I gotta be a rich and no, not a perpetrator.

Creating nothing close to a duplicate.

I gotta be a richer.

I gotta be a richin elf.

Not a perpetrator, creating nothing close to a duplicator.

I gotta be a bitch, you know.

Not a perpetrator, creating nothing close to eyes.

Cause my shit is hot in this liver.

But slime, shit is hot, and it's survivor.

You tell the whole universe.

Now I've been chillin' earnest for a while to figure out a new style.

That's what it has to have a heart.

See how the market brought us

the word that's all so what you say when.

complaining of the whole world.

But there's a layer on the rise.

You see, I gotta be original.

You see, I gotta be original.

You see, I gotta be original.

You see, I gotta be original.

All right, who's ready for some dyslexia?

Huh?

Everybody ready and got your pen and paper ready?

Well, first off, right off the bat, I got to let you know that

it's been way too easy.

Every single person who listens, I think, is emailing in to get the answers right, and that's not what I'm interested in.

I'm interested in challenging the listeners, so that's why it's going to get a lot harder this week, as well as we're going back to the original rules

where the first word is the last word.

Get it?

All right.

Well, anyway, if you're not interested in playing the game and you just want to get yourself a skull, you can go to tellhemstevedave.merchtable.com

and order yourself a skull.

I mean, right now, I mean, they're going fast.

If you're on the fence and you haven't ordered one, you might want to place your order right about now because

I'm not sure

if these skulls are going to be in stock.

You know, I could see that I see them selling out by

easily the end of

the end of the year.

Not this year, but

probably the end of the following year.

But like I said, if you're interested, please go to tellhemstevedave.merchtable.com and order yourself up a skull.

All right, back to dyslexia.

The clues from last week were Don't Crawl, Don't Crawl, and that would have been Duran Duran.

Clue number two,

immoral sisters, and that was righteous brothers.

And finally, clue number three was doubt yes less, and that was faith no more.

Pretty easy.

Pretty easy.

If you got it right, don't be so proud of yourself because I think anybody could have got those right.

Including, and that would, right now we announced Thomas Stark.

He's getting a skull because he was the first one to email in the correct answers with the theme, which was

bands.

So, if you want to take a shot at this week, I must warn you, it's going to be a lot harder.

But if you want to play, you email your answers to kmuse2 at gmail.com.

And here we go.

This week's first clue is, and remember, it's completely backwards now.

Commoner constrained.

That's clue number one, commoner constrained.

Clue number two,

heaven out me here.

Again, heaven out me here.

And

clue number three.

Definition high,

fewer thaw.

Again, definition high,

fewer thaw.

Again,

number one,

commoner constrained.

Number two,

heaven out me here.

And clue number three,

definition high, fewer thaw.

Alright, so send your answers in to kmews2 at gmail.com, and you might win yourself a mini Prussian kiss and skull.

But there is also a new rule being implemented this week.

When sending in your answers, if you include a what's wrong with telling Steve Dave, you are automatically disqualified.

Okay, but of course, you can absolutely include praise, accolades, and compliments, and also an address.

Please, please, please include an address.

Good luck.

This has been a production of Smodco Internet Radio, sir, only at Smodcast.

com.