#361: Git 'Em Dies at the End

You jerk off, do your nipples get on?

I'll make you guys horny by these facts and thus you won't be sad anymore.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave, the first of 2018.

2018, and I'm here with

BQ and Walt and Gidem.

What resolutions did you make, Gidham?

Surely, surely Walt gave you a list.

Room for improvement.

It was just a picture of Giddem.

All right.

If I gave you a resolution, would you try to

try to make it work, or would you just disregard it?

Depending on the resolution, yes, I would try.

Find a new job.

Did you make any resolutions resolutions on that?

Motherfucker, what?

No, not really.

No?

No.

You don't believe in resolutions, huh?

I usually fail with them every year.

Your life

is exactly where you want it right now?

No.

So why not try to make a resolution to make it in 2018 a little bit different than 2017?

Okay.

It's too late now.

It's January 10th, isn't it?

I postponed Christmas so I can postpone New Year's as well.

You got to wait till 2019 to start working on that shit.

You know what I've never heard you say?

Get them.

It's like I hear plenty of people.

Basically, I'm going to cut to the chase.

Like, what are your hopes and dreams?

If you even wave a magic wand, I've never heard you aspire.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I waved a magic wand.

And you're doing whatever you want to do.

Yeah, what is it?

What's that setup?

I just

like to be me, I guess.

But you already have that.

To an extent.

But if you're saying magic wand, it would just be me 24 hours a day.

Well, that's not giving us any information, though.

What is there a point when you're not you?

Because I want to know that fucking point in the day when you're not you, then, because that's when I want to hang out with you.

You're the most you I've ever met.

I want to know when it is when is that time when you're not you?

Because then I think hopefully you'll be between the hours of 11 and 6 when you're fucking clocked in here then.

Well, I would say that's the only time I'm not, you know, when I have to go work for the man, and as such.

I tell you right now, I don't need your magic wand because I've always aspired to be the man.

Yeah.

To hear that I am actually that a man, I've achieved everything that I've ever wanted to be.

It doesn't matter who it's qualified by.

But no, seriousness, like, what would you if you...

Any job.

Job or lifestyle change or.

Anything.

You could rewrite history.

You have the infinity stones, my friend.

Like I said, I would just like to be able to just do what I want whenever I want.

If I had to wave a magic wand, that's what I would like to do.

So no work?

Yeah, like if I want to go to the the flea market and then as soon as I'm done with the flea market, go home and go to sleep, then yeah, then

that's stopping you from doing that.

But I feel that's not the same thing.

Well, then I have to go to work then.

But what if you don't work that day?

Do you do it on days you don't work?

I only don't work on Mondays and Tuesdays, so there's no real flea markets usually on Monday.

You work every weekend?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No wonder you want that magic wand so bad.

So you're telling me, if you have a magic wand,

that's the one thing you're going to wish for is to not work on, so you can go to a flea market?

So we can go to the flea market and then take a nap.

He's like, man, then I could be me, and it would be sweet.

But you could have even have said your answer could have been like running a successful stand in a flea market.

No, no, no, I just want to be able to survive.

Next business of pleasure, Q?

I just want to be able to survive.

Not have to work, you know, be able to survive comfortably, not have to work.

And if I desire something, then, you know, if I have to save up for a little while for it, then

I like how in your dream scenario, you have to save up for shit.

You just don't have enough money to pay for it.

Like, if I ever, like, I I watched one of those.

You know, like it's struggle.

A little bit of a struggle is good.

I watched one of those documentaries about those people who win lotteries and they just end up ruining their lives.

And they had this one guy, and he goes, every day I earn $5,000 in interest on my lottery winnings.

Wow.

And he goes, if I want to buy something that's $10,000, he goes, I wait two days.

That's my budget.

And I just let it build up.

And then if I have, you know, if it's more than $5,000.

And I thought, that makes great sense.

And, you know, the guy seemed happy.

And, you know, he didn't fall into the pitfalls that other people do of blowing their money, you know, all at once and then ended up being you know broke.

That's a great idea because then you can leave all the principal to the government since you have no loved ones or family when you die.

It's a good thing you're on the budget.

Well, I could, I would, I would ask them twice.

Which question is this?

I'm sure I could find a charitable donation that's good, like St.

Jude's or something like that, that would help people.

Oh, was that little boy?

Yes, yes.

Anthony?

I think it's Anthony.

The little dope with the fucking blanket and shit.

That kid?

Oh, my God.

That's the most adorable thing.

The elf kid?

Oh, my God.

He loves his name.

No, it's not an idea.

Sam?

No.

It's the little, yeah, fine.

I get him.

It's this little kid.

We talked about him once.

He's a lot.

I want to adopt that kid.

If I made a plea, like a public plea, I'm kind of in the public eye.

Like, I want to adopt the St.

Jude's boy.

Sam, Mark, his name isn't Sam.

Fire, get him on the St.

Jude's kid.

I tell you, man, that kid is just adorable.

He rides around.

He's the best little kid ever.

He rides around.

Meanwhile, he has two daughters.

He rides around in a wheelchair with this blanket on him, like

trying soliciting donations in the commercial

with a weird voice.

It's not Sam.

It's not Sam.

I don't know.

Stop ringing the bell.

Oh, I got it.

It's on constantly, but he is the greatest spokesman for this charity because

he will melt your heart.

He's that cute.

I'm not a

Sam.

It's not Sam, though.

Yeah.

All right.

So you want to adopt him, especially?

Well,

it looks like he doesn't need a lot of assistance, though, because he's able to be a spokesman, so I figured

how much care does this kid need?

He might be a frog.

Oh, he's Shriner's Hospital.

Oh, Shriner's Hospital.

What's his name?

I'm not going to go look that up now.

Let me show Q the picture, though.

Yeah, get ready for your heart, Tamil Q.

He's so.

You've seen this kid, right?

I've never seen that kid, but I get it.

He actually looks like.

He looks like an elf.

He looks like Little Simmy.

He kind of looks like Lil Simmy.

He does.

He looks like Simmy Jr.

That might be Simmy's kid.

You know what?

Sammy Simmy.

Holy shit.

It is Sam.

He's no more spokesman for this company, though.

I'm going to give him a real childhood.

Alec.

Oh, I was hoping that.

Alec.

I was hoping that true puts him in charge of my show.

Alec?

Alec.

Alec.

I thought it was Alex, but it's, yeah.

But like that.

I would change his name if I were you.

Once you adopt him, I'd probably change his name.

Well, I should have his last name he'd be changed to Flanagan.

Alec Flanagan.

Yeah, you need a better first name.

Something like tiny something.

Like just tiny Alec, just legally changed.

He did Twas the Night Before Christmas.

Well, that's what he does.

Yeah, he reads Twas the Night Before Christmas.

I am a little worried that

they just trot this kid out constantly, not giving him a real

childhood or anything.

They lock him in a cold cell afterwards.

Just like, hope you're blanketed.

You know what?

Give me that blanket.

No, no, no.

I mean, just bringing him to charity organizations and, you know, and

showpointing.

Yeah, definitely.

He's like a child star in the 30s.

He's like the Mickey Rooney of the Shriners, where they're just constantly riding his ass.

That's what I'm worried about.

Didn't Mickey Rooney ever say that he was unhappy with that?

He didn't.

I think mostly Mickey Rooney was the whole, like, my parents stole all my money.

I think that was Coogan.

Jackie Coogan, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Mickey Rooney, though, did get his money stolen.

Really?

Yeah.

I wonder.

It must have been like

Coogan got the law passed that puts the money in trust so that they can't steal from the kids.

What, you think Alec has any money?

Oh, I thought that why you were adopted.

You think he could have put away a little couple of bucks?

I'm sure he's got some blankets stowed away for a rainy day.

You think he embezzled any from the shriners?

How weird would it be if I made up real public for you to adopt a kid, or would it look strange?

Him specifically?

Definitely.

They're like, he's planning his kids to adopt.

Like, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to save Alec.

A TV personality.

Although he may be.

I don't even know if he needs to be adopted, though.

He talks about his grandma in one of the commercials.

Well, she'll be adopted.

Remember, he goes, love you, grandma.

Isn't that what you said to your guidance counselor when she walked in?

Wow.

Grandmas.

You still have any grandmas left?

No.

No.

No.

Lost my last one.

I was in Brooktale.

So.

Might you have genetic grandparents?

98.

I could have a genetic grandparent.

When you say you lost her, did she wander off the farm and just never come back?

No,

she broke her ankle.

She was at a rehabilitation center.

She got up, had breakfast, and was sitting in her chair waiting to go to physical therapy, and she just passed.

When does shooting a pottery can come into it?

That was my dad?

It was beating, not shooting.

I don't think any of us probably would be, at our age, would expect to have any grandparents like that.

Sal?

Sal has two.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's great.

It's unbelievable.

And they're there with it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're not like doddering all that.

I get jealous when I see them.

I'll probably take it out on Sal.

Well, I remember that.

Because one of your

best day ever,

if I think back to the episode, you'd like to go back and relive a day at your grandparents with your canon shit, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's not a euphemism.

You were canning like jelly and shit.

No, no, yeah.

With your jelly.

Yeah, with your jelly.

Were there jams and stuff?

No, no, no.

Tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce.

That's right, right.

Well,

up until she died, I spent every New Year's Eve with my grandmother.

Oh, once a year.

That's nice.

Yeah, what a go.

I saw her more than that, but I would spend New Year's Eve.

She was constantly running away, which is how she got lost.

I would always spend New Year's Eve with her.

Did you watch the ball drop?

Oh, yeah, I had to watch Dick Clark.

Oh, yeah.

Would this be the era when Lawrence Welk would be playing, too?

Or not Lawrence Welk.

I can't remember who the big band leader was that all the grandmas liked.

Although,

she liked Lawrence Welk, but she loved Liberace.

and she refused to believe him.

She would always tell me stories about Liberace's rings, about how she wanted to go see him in concert, and how all the ladies loved him, and he loved all the ladies.

Now, as a young child, did you realize looking at Liberace that something was

probably not kosher with what your grandma was telling you?

No, I just did.

You just took it for

that's what a man's man looks like.

Well,

sure does

So you didn't know that Liberace was.

No, no.

Many, many years later I learned.

Though you can't really go by that because when

we went to the WWE thing and they were showing old footage of Ric Flair, I'd be like, is that Liberace's son?

The shit he's dressed in, you're like, hey, it was glittering rose.

And there's a guy now, Bobby Roode, who does the same thing.

This is glittering rose.

I just assumed it was all part of the shause.

You look at Lawrence Wilk and all the outfits he had and the kids had and everything else like that.

Could he make that statement at like a raw event?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you could make that statement and not get his ass pummeled?

Yeah, I know.

You don't think Rick Flair is like, woo!

I thought that would be sacrilegious to say something like that about Ric Flair.

I'm sure that people have said that in the ring.

Remember, there used to be a wrestler who was like one gay, he was a bad guy, a villain, and his gimmick was that he was gay.

No.

Yeah, it was.

What year would this be?

Bobby the Brain was his manager.

It was, oh,

gorgeous.

Not gorgeous.

Gorgeous George?

No, it was.

Oh, come on.

Fuck.

It was.

Oh, no, and the other arresters don't want to wrestle him because he was getting all the way to the bottom.

Well, that was always the

owners and shit.

You can see it through those little shorty shorts spandex.

Because back in the day, it was about the pageantry.

There was a lot of pageantry, too.

He was juicing with duration spray.

What was his name?

Did he come out and say it, or was it implied?

Dude, it was like he used to come out and like ravishing Rick Rude?

Like, he used to come down in pink and like with a flower in his mouth.

But he never would say it, but it was just

like

he might have said it.

So they did away with that, huh?

Yeah, they did away with it.

They're more woke now.

The WWE?

Yeah, I was thinking.

Is that not woke, though?

Like, was he really gay or he was just pretending to be gay?

He was pretending to be gay.

He wasn't gay.

Anyway.

Yeah, plus painting, painting, it would be.

Especially as a villain, just because

that would definitely be

a boo-boo.

He would come out and be like, what the fuck was his name?

So, would you say he was a high heel?

Ooh.

Very good.

Whoa.

Can we title that the episode this week?

The high heel.

Sure.

I don't have to think of it enough.

Look how pleased he is with himself, too.

Look at how his face gets redder when he's pleased with himself.

I'm just picturing Maxwell listening to this going, ah motherfucker I know the answer to this question

yeah I don't know yeah and he gets too pleased with himself

he takes it too far makes it he makes you not want to give it to him finally I'm beloved

seconds later so what did you do on this New Year's now that your grandma is uh

dead these past 20 years well yeah it's I know it's gonna add to my weird thing but actually for

a couple years after she died I would actually go to the uh to the cemetery where she was buried I don't think that's weird I'd take the little I would would dig up other graves and have sex with her.

It had nothing to do with my grandmother.

I took a little TV with me and the two champagne glasses we used to drink out of.

That's actually beautiful.

Why would you think that would paint you as a weirdo?

Sneaking into a cemetery at midnight.

Oh, you snuck in?

Well, it's this.

Oh, you were there at midnight?

Yeah, I would watch the ball drop on the little TV.

See, to me,

somewhat like...

Sneaking in really does.

Well, it's walking in because you couldn't go through the front gate, so you just walked from the side.

It's not like I climbed up.

That's not nearly as weird as him being in the school dumpsters looking around for outdated technology.

But wait a minute, though.

So you would bring a TV, and how did this TV get

battery power?

It was the Game Gear, the Sega Game Gear, and it had a little TV too, and you'd stick it to it, just pick up the antenna and just turn to the channel.

So it was like a like.

And you would leave what the ball was doing?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

But why did you stop doing that?

I moved down to Toms River, and I started actually going out to parties with other people.

Look at you, big man.

Fuck grandma.

I know.

I got invited to a party.

But no, this year I was in bed before the ball dropped.

I just was tired and I was like, yeah, hey, it happens every year.

So

you'll definitely make it to next year.

What'd you do?

I went all the way to Long Island,

partied with Troy.

Really?

Yep.

How's Troy bringing the new year?

Pretty much like everyone else.

Watch the TV.

There were a lot of people.

People have a lot of kids.

No, so

it wasn't just me and him.

Clothing optional.

No, it was

a bunch of people that his wife had invited and she knew and all their kids.

It's like I haven't been around that in a while.

I forget how wild things get when there are a bunch of kids from six to like 16.

Yeah, they don't give a fuck.

My favorite part was at one point one of the kids came down and I heard her saying to

Troy's wife, she's like, Sage is trying to break the door down and the older kids are getting mad.

That made me laugh.

That's pretty good.

What'd you do, Kio?

Had to bring in the news.

I could tell you this.

I texted him while I got back with

a bunch of Z's.

Yeah, well,

two things happened.

One, I had a show at NASA Coliseum.

I was home by like 10.30.

How'd the show go?

It was fine.

I'm pretty sorry.

On New Year's Eve?

On New Year's Eve, yeah, yeah.

And you were home by 10.30 from a show in Long Island?

Yeah, so started

at 7.30.

Yeah, we were off stage by 9-ish,

9.

There was no traffic.

I blew home, and then I've.

This is embarrassing, I guess, to admit, but I've become addicted to Law and Order SUV.

I can't stop watching it.

If Pam's still a listener, you cannot be embarrassed in front of one person.

you can't stop watching it every night like i watch it it's on every night on usa

it's the impractical jokers of every other network

and uh i actually forgot that it was midnight because

the case was wrapping up and i was like oh my god i was like yeah fuck you that's it and then i was like oh shit it's 12 and i turned over and it was already on yeah weren't they like pushing like the episodes like they ended like in 10 minutes after the hour i think it was they didn't do that this night because it was definitely like 1201 i got there and then i just went to bed Did you feel is this the first New Year's Eve where you've kind of shamefully

no?

The last two I didn't go out.

Well, I made money this year.

I worked, so I'm fine with that.

I'd rather make money than party at this point.

Okay.

It's enough time for partying when I'm old.

This to me is a holiday.

It's not even a non-holiday, in my opinion.

It's one of the few times I go against society's

expectations.

Of you?

Yeah.

One night a year.

That's it.

He spurns what society thinks in that.

I try to be even more square, just as a big middle finger to the fucking country.

Sleep to the men who ironically you are.

All of America is like, ooh.

Once again, the kids don't care.

No, you know what?

The kids,

the kids, this is a point where it's it's sad because it really bums me out.

The kids are all at point, they're aging to the point where they have friends and they do things with their friends on these holidays.

Oh, really?

They're 15 and 19.

He's like, you know, they're old enough to have friends now.

I am not, like, I mean,

I am not ashamed to admit it.

It just sucks.

I hate it.

I hate that they have friends.

None of them are worth us a fucking lick, in my opinion.

None of those friends?

Yeah, no.

Geez,

no friends they've had like their entire lives or anything about?

I don't, I mean,

I'm just saying that.

I'm just saying anybody would be like, anybody that they're like, hey, I'd rather hang out with them than you.

And I'm like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

I want to see one of them who's been married for 20 years.

A 70-year-old Walt Flagging, like, you ain't worth it.

I don't know if I could do it.

I don't know if I could do like, like, I see people like, I see these commercials for people who, like, who

have heart failure or they have medical, and they're, like, in this hospital, save them and they're like they're always crying and being like, I want to be able to walk down the aisle with my daughter.

I'm like, I don't want to fucking do that.

No way.

Why is that something I should look forward to?

And that is the last thing I want to do.

What are you doing?

You're giving her away.

Yeah, that is

not what I want to do.

Is part of it because the father traditionally pays for the wedding?

It has nothing to do with money, although I can tell you right now,

it's going to be a

piece.

It's going to be cost cutters and

what's no, they're not even in business.

Big locks.

Brian, it's going to be a pancake breakfast.

Brian, what are you doing this weekend?

We got a job for you.

It's fancy in a way because Brian Q will be serving pancakes.

Yeah, that is something that, yeah,

I am not going to be able to deal with

gracefully and be that excited for.

Although I have, like, when I think back at my father-in-law, who was such a, you know, he was a great guy.

Great guy, and, you know, did, said everything that would, you know, and made it easy for me.

Still ain't going to change the way I fuck.

I know they're not going to be able to change the way I act and how I'm going to feel resentful and

just

depressed about that.

See, I'm thinking about moving to Tennessee so Sage can get married when she turns 12

and be free again.

So there haven't even been any boyfriends or anything like that.

There's a boyfriend now for my 19-year-old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Need to be taken care of.

We should

talk about that on the air in case something does happen.

You should bring him on the show.

Yeah.

We'll get to that.

Bring Troy in.

Do the interrogation?

I just, you know, like people who have kids and everything, man,

just enjoy those when they're young and you're everything to them because it doesn't last.

No.

No.

Even though you're giving them everything and you continue to give them everything.

Oh, yeah.

You're not going to remain everything, no.

No.

Now

you're essentially.

Now you're just fucking Daddy Warbucks.

Forget about Daddy, just regular daddy.

Now it's just Daddy Warbucks.

The Dad TM.

Wow.

Jeez.

Happy New Year.

Yeah.

There you go.

And me and you were

going to do it tonight.

That's right.

You guys, okay, you were on the guys didn't want to come down tonight because you guys are both very sad.

Well, no, I didn't say I didn't want to come down.

I said if you guys want to do it another night, that's fine.

I'm in a bad mood.

And then you're

Yeah, I made a promise.

It was awesome.

What was it?

He was like, I'll have Gidem here if you want.

I'll just get him to stay.

Get him.

It worked.

It brained my mood.

And then

you said the Baron fast.

Yes, if you guys want to summon the Baron later in the show, I have

a Baron segment.

Yes.

Just to raise your guys' spirits if you guys want.

I was sad to see that you were a little bit late because you missed Giddam telling me a full eight-minute story about how he shoveled his driveway, including the breakdown of the the snowblower.

He didn't shovel it.

Yeah,

snowblower.

Is that technically shoveling Q?

No.

No.

Well, after what he went through,

his auger fell off or fucking some shit.

The belt slipped off the auger.

I got to be honest, the only reason I let you go on with it, because I'm like, I'm going to bring up how fucked up it is that he told me every single detail.

Because he's like, hey, he's like, yeah, how'd you do in the snow?

I'm like, I didn't go outside.

And he's like, no, no, I meant with the shovel.

And I'm like, oh, you know, it took like 20 minutes, half an hour.

I shoveled my car out.

And then he went on to tell me the full play-by-play, blow-by-blow details of him snowblowing, his U-shaped driveway out, the breakdown of the snowblower, the eventual auger, the fixing of the snowblower.

Can I ask a question?

Sure.

How come I was spared this when I got here today?

Don't ask, just be thankful.

Well, I've been to yourself now.

I know, but there has to be a reason, though.

I did tell Michael.

I told Mike, but why was I spared?

I got it out mostly got it out of my system through telling Mike.

Or at least you thought you did.

I told Mike anything

until he was jones in the television.

I made the mistake of being like, hey.

He's not even regretting it.

He's thinking, like, there has to be at least one more person I can tell.

Yeah.

Well, just think of the millions of people who just heard about it right now.

I went to, oh,

I went to Walt's place on New Year's Eve.

No, you didn't.

Stay tonight.

I mean, I'm sorry.

True, Christmas Eve.

Oh, yes.

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve.

What a scene, man.

Yeah, I was just inviting you to this.

Is it as close in this day and age as you can get to going back in time and spending it with the Waltons?

No, what the fuck is with that?

It should be a yes immediately after what you expected.

I think you jumped the gun.

I think he was about to overly agree with me.

It was a freaking pause.

I was in helling.

Yeah.

It just should have been yes immediately.

Well, I'm trying to think of.

The love was flowing.

There was a lot of.

It was a weird experience.

Daniel, say it.

The love was flowing.

Say the love was flowing.

That's understood, I thought.

The whole love is flowing.

It was a weird experience where I'm like, why is everyone getting along?

And then he's like, we're going to play games.

And I'm like, what?

Oh, you're going to lie about things?

That's the a kind of games you're going to play.

What do you mean?

Sage, are we going to hunt Sage?

Sure.

Let me take your shoes off first, make it easier for us.

But we weren't handicapped.

Well, we want a little bit of sport.

Sage, wandering to those cattails.

All right, all right.

They're just a blindfold then.

Yeah, so we went over, and

he's got a tree that looks like it belongs in a department store.

Yeah, that's true.

Which I wouldn't be shocked if you just lifted it right from the department store and brought it home.

No,

me and wife put a lot of effort into the tree.

The girls used to, but now they have quote-unquote friends, and they don't decorate the tree

as diligently as they used to.

Real tree or artificial?

Artificial.

Okay.

I'll tell you what, you're right, though, because I remember Pam saying, like, when I was young and always getting in trouble, she's like, you're not going to have any of these these friends when you get out of school.

And I'm like, We'll be friends forever, even though I only had like two or three friends, but she was wrong, she was definitely wrong with one of them.

Everyone else, I'm not friends with, but yeah, with Walt.

So, I'm stuck with my friends just for that.

Yeah, you got nowhere to go, nowhere to turn nothing but the friends I made 20 years ago.

Uh, but we we played uh Family Feud,

which was um

first off, like I was on Walt's team, it was me, Walt, Sage,

another dude, and then

your mom's boyfriend,

and then Walt's mom and sister and her boyfriend.

Oh, no, wait, and Debbie's mom was on our side, too.

Oh, yes, yes.

And then Debbie and Walt's girls were on the other side.

And the game, I'm positive, is not licensed because the answers were like, what are you fucking kidding me?

Like, not in a million years would anybody get these answers.

And every time it was my turn,

someone else, like the other person, got it faster than I did.

Oh, you know, when you go up to the

mono.

Because you just say it.

There's no like, boom, hit a button.

So then there's the added pressure of Walt being like, what the fuck?

It was like, Tom C.

There's awesome competition.

Even though it's family and it's a loving atmosphere, I still want to win.

Make no bones about it.

I don't take losses lightly.

No.

And even though it was a loving atmosphere, much like you've seen on the Waltons,

his daughters were caught cheating more than once.

And they got their phones out.

Well, it's like, you're looking it up right now.

She's like, no, I'm not.

Holds her screen up.

What era of family feud is it?

Like

Richard Dawson?

It had to be an early 90s board game.

Oh, okay.

And my mom found it at a thrift store.

Oh, so like John O'Hurley?

No, it would be just a generic.

Who's the dude who killed himself?

Ray

Colmes.

Ray Combs, yeah.

I'm just trying to figure out the tone.

Like, is it like, as long as it's not like it is nowadays, it's not dirty.

Okay, I would never allow a dirty game in the house.

That's true, because then we were going to play this meme game.

I don't know, like, how you play it, but Walt saw a fully clothed guy sitting on a toilet, and he's like, Enough, we're not playing this.

The Waltons wouldn't have it, right?

You wouldn't see it on the Waltons, that's true, or you wouldn't see Family Feud either.

But, like, you notice, like, you know, like if you look back at your last couple holidays,

usually they've ended with like

kind of yelling and storming out.

And

you know, your last couple of holidays.

Things are getting better.

My last couple, do you mean last 50?

You know, like

that wasn't present at this engagement.

No, nobody.

I wanted to stage a scene just

because I didn't know how to react.

I was like, this is too Walton-Squeeze.

This is more like The Simpsons or

what's the L with fucking Bundy, L L Bundy?

Marry with Children?

Yeah.

More like Ted Bundy.

But yeah, it was.

Nice.

Yeah, it was nice.

Yeah, it was nice.

They sent me home with food because I guess I looked indigent.

Yeah, I lost a lot of weight.

Got some chicken and shit.

Oh, yeah, that was.

They were all asking me, is Brian have cancer?

Oh, they really?

Yeah.

And I was like, we know he has no self-control, so he's got to fit

him.

He's like,

No, he doesn't feel like shit.

Did they say we like a chubby Brian?

No, no, they didn't say that.

But they were like, wait, they didn't ask specifically about cancer, did they?

Yes.

Yes, there was.

They're like,

is there anything wrong?

Is Brian sick?

He doesn't have cancer, does he?

It's like, no, why?

He's lost so much weight.

He's been rotund for.

I mean, as long as I can remember.

He certainly can't be trying to improve himself.

I was like, no, that's all health, man.

That's just a healthy mind and body now.

Mostly body.

I mean, I can't speak to that.

Mind will follow eventually.

I would wager you're doing good mentally as of late.

Doing much better, yeah.

Right.

Although, like today,

I don't know why, but no, go ahead.

I'll let you finish.

Well, it's all right, because I know when I don't hear from you

on a regular,

to me, I'm like, I know either you're doing really bad and I try and get in in touch with you, and I don't hear from you,

or you're doing really good.

And I haven't heard from you too much in the past few weeks.

I had a feeling like

the good times are happening, like you're out there having fun.

Yeah, I'm partying with Troy, I'm partying with the Waltons.

Good, I'm glad.

That's the Waltons.

I like that.

I didn't think that if that, I wish my last name was Walt.

Walt Walton?

Walt Walton.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you, all right, so, but today, today's, yeah.

Yeah, I tend to, I think maybe that'll be my

resolutions are so dumb.

Like anger control, because I get overly mad at stuff that is insignificant.

Like today I went to Sonic because Sage is fucking obsessed with hamburgers, so I I rode out, I got her a hamburger.

Now I couldn't tell the fucking guy at the the window enough times.

I told four times I said, hamburger bun, that's it.

She likes it like you.

Yep.

Just like Walt Walman.

And the dude is being a little bit like

a little snarky

when I ordered something else and I was like, don't put any pickles on it.

And he's like, well, that doesn't come with pickles.

And I said, well, it did the last time I ordered it.

So no pickles.

I get all the way back home.

I open the fucking bag.

No pickles, but cheese on the hamburger.

I'm like, mother fucking cocks.

Don't ever fuck the premise without checking your burger.

This is a place where I left one time, and there was no burger on.

They just had lettuce and tomato.

No burger on it.

I was like, what are you fucking kidding me?

And I checked that time.

I should have checked this time.

But it was covered so well in terms of like, hey, nothing on it?

Do they put the cheese on the burger or the

burger?

So I get home.

I become enraged.

I go back and I fucking, like, because Sonic, you don't just walk in.

It's

like, you didn't just peel the cheese off and give it to her?

Wow, because it's all like melty and shit.

They have like the, when you go in, but it's just like you push a button and it talks to you from the inside.

So

I kicked the door as hard as I could.

It's like a steel door on the bottom and glass on top.

And I kick it as hard as I can.

And some lady comes and I was like,

I'm like, I want my fucking money back.

I'm sick of this shit.

And these are my exact words.

And she's just looking at me.

She's like, hold on.

And this other guy comes over and he's like, hey, can I help you?

And I said, yeah.

I said, give me my fucking money back.

I said, this is fucking ridiculous.

This is the third time I've come here.

Out of probably five times.

I was like, they fuck it up every time.

And I'm like losing my temper.

And he's like, all right, all right.

Michael Douglas, man.

You're like, falling down.

Yeah.

Later on, I was arguing with a construction crew.

But

he just like,

he did what you're supposed to do.

He just like, lets me fucking rant and rave.

And then he's like, all right, how can we take care of this?

And I'm like,

but then he was like, I'm going to go talk to those guys right now.

And he did it while I was there.

He yelled at him while I was there.

The grill guys, because he's like.

Does that make you feel better?

Yes.

Yes.

He emasculated his crew in front of you and

they cared cared about their minimum wage.

Yeah.

These teenagers were eunuchs.

If you like that feeling, you should come here almost every other day.

That's why they end the episode.

Holy shit.

Mike and get him out of the way.

What's the matter?

What's happening?

You're right.

You're right.

What's happening?

I don't know.

You having a seizure?

No.

Oh, you're coughing?

Yeah.

Go in the bathroom.

Were you choking a little bit?

I don't know.

He was like twitching.

Looked like a seizure, didn't it?

Yeah, it looked like a seizure.

I just asked him if he ever had seizures before.

He just had one.

Okay, I'm good.

Fuck, that would have been awesome.

Oh, man.

I think I just started laughing so hard.

Ooh.

Whoa.

His eyes got all wide and he started shimmying all over.

He looked like he was choking.

It looked like he wasn't on this plane of existence, didn't it?

Yeah, like his eyes just wide.

It was just like he was in another dimension.

His eyes were out.

His eyes were gone.

Like, you know, that thousand-mile stare?

Holy shit.

He was like shaking.

He was like,

oh, like back and forth.

Well, he cut all this out because, you know, that joke doesn't need to be.

That joke's too good to now have everybody all worry about Gidem.

Oh, they won't be worried.

I don't even think they'll care if it comes back and there's a resolution.

Oh, man.

That was something.

Get him almost like that.

That's the way to go out.

That's the way I want to go out.

Tell a fucking barn burner of a joke on television

on this podcast and fucking keel over.

Yeah.

It's probably going to happen.

Not necessarily tonight.

It's probably going to happen.

Odds are good.

Save the magic wand.

So you were going to let that experience deprive you of an experience you like, though.

Because you're like, we don't have to do it tonight because of that, though.

You should never allow that to happen.

Well, no, that was, no, it wasn't just because of Sonic.

No, it's a couple out of things.

It's just little shit.

Like, big stuff seems to not bother me that much.

But I'm on the phone

with the pharmacy, and I need to get this fucking prescription transferred.

This is hardly worth telling.

And the lady's asking me all these questions.

She's like, well, what's the number of the other pharmacy?

I'm like, I don't fucking know.

Yeah, like, why is that my job?

Yeah, like, don't you have it?

And she's like, well, I need the, I need the, the number to the pharmacy.

And I'm like, I'm just like, fuck it.

And hang up.

And I fucking kick a hole in my wall, which I then know I got to fucking fix later on.

Right through the drywall.

Right through it.

So now I got to fix that.

But it's that little shit that like happens.

You're not on any medication, right?

Sorry.

No.

No.

All right.

Sorry.

Aren't you doing any kind of therapy at all right now?

No.

Maybe just like something for anger, though.

But I'm with a bunch of fucking idiots who are like court-ordered to be there because they can't keep their hands off people.

That's the mentality I think you've got to lose, is that everybody else but you is an idiot.

But it's the truth.

As evidence at Sonic today, I'm like, you fucking morons.

Like, you fucking morons.

It says plain.

You don't have to do more.

You have to do less.

You have to do nothing.

All you have to do is take a bun and put a burger on it, and you're done.

I just made your job easier, and you fucked me up.

Oops, you feeling all right good?

Yeah, I got it.

I got a little,

when I was sick like two weeks ago, I still got a little like phlegm in the back of my throat, and it just

girls are masturbating furiously right now.

It would have been your, it would have been up to the fireman at the table to

put his lips in there and get that phlegm out of there.

I would have done it.

I would have done it.

I don't have my

first, you got his haligen sticking down his throat.

I usually have my little pocket thing, but I don't have it on me.

What?

What, a pocket axe?

I could see it.

No, no, there's a

diddle it as he fucking crosses over to the other side.

No, it's a

long place.

Don't make him laugh too.

Don't make him laugh too hard.

It's a protector when you do mouth to mouth.

It's a dental plastic shape.

They don't have one on hand, though, right now.

No, I usually carry one in my pocket.

Oh, really?

Why?

In the little yellow one.

In the

middle, why?

Because I worked at the track in case anybody needed it mouth to mouth before first aid could get there.

Or a horse had

phlegm in his asshole.

So

you are equipped and you know what to do?

Yeah, for like mouth to mouth, yeah.

Have you ever done it on a real person?

No.

Just it on the resuscitative.

Not while they were awake.

On the resuscitation when I was doing lifeguard training.

Okay.

So if me or Mike ever go down, you're we can expect you to wake up to you

hovering over us.

Well, if Mike's here, Mike is definitely going down.

Thank you.

As long as the words don't come out of my mouth, I don't get in trouble.

Yeah, that's true.

While we're out of check out the

2017 Tell Him Steve Dave Christmas pod, right?

That's what I was going to bring up, Q.

I got a little bit of

something to announce about the Christmas episode.

Okay.

Can we play a quick clip deck of something they haven't heard in case anybody's on the fence?

So here we go.

I got one more question for you here.

Well, not only one.

I got a couple more.

Some liberal rag, some liberal rag, liberal?

Some liberal rag.

Some liberal.

Some liberal?

You're saying it right?

Q.

Liberal?

Are you right?

Liberal.

Q.

Hold on.

Oh, shit, I bushman had an ambulance.

Q's having a stroke.

All right, some liberal rag.

Is that right?

Yeah.

All right, Troy.

Some liberal rag exposes Santa as a sweatshop for elves.

How was the reaction?

I haven't seen it online.

I'm about to tell you guys.

The Tellum Steve Dave Christmas Special 2017, Space Monkey Saved Christmas.

Uh-huh.

Was the best performing Christmas pot in the history of Tellum Steve Dave Dave

in the first week of its release.

And it is on pace to become the all-time best-selling

Christmas episode in Tell'em Steve Dave history.

Whoa.

So the Space Monkeys did good.

So if you haven't bought it and you want to be a part of history,

there's only one way.

Tell themstevedave.com.

Or you can buy it on Bandcamp.

And how have been people's reviews of it?

Has anybody seen?

I saw on Twitter people who really, really seem to like it.

They love Fatone.

Okay.

Love Fatone.

Good.

Now, I would think now with this kind of

achievement by the Space Monkeys, you guys own Christmas now.

Oh, come on.

They can expect a Space Monkeys Christmas next year as well.

A new tradition

begins anew.

Just like my Christmas shopping.

Yeah, we'll start it early and not wait till last second.

Next year's will be, or this year's will be

Space Monkeys Burden Christmas and something like that.

Some shit.

Wow.

So, yeah, so that I thought that you guys would be happy to hear that.

I am.

Man, that's cool.

I just hope people enjoyed it.

You're online.

Has it been good?

I've seen a lot of reviews about it.

Any complaints about it?

What are the complaints?

Some of the complaints.

Too much Mike and Ming jokes.

Okay.

I will never recognize that comment.

So we can dismiss that right away.

Yeah.

That was pretty much

the wait.

The delay.

The delay.

Wow.

Yeah, the delay.

I did see some grumblings about that.

That we had ruined people's traditions.

Somebody gave that exact sentiment, and then they were like, fuck it, I'll buy it anyway.

And they said, I was so, so, so.

Three so's glad that I did because it's grief.

Of course they are.

I mean, you can't, you know what?

As far as many rumblings I've seen about

it

and how angry.

Some people were so angry that it was.

You love that passion.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

That passion only comes with a rabid rabid fan base yes we have a rabid fan base not rabid enough to sell out the skulls

certainly not rabid enough to sell out all the skulls but but certainly rabid enough to tell us that we up their christmas and it was ruined

but the rabies is limited to fucking being annoyed yes yeah so that's great though i mean that that only shows how

important and how much they love uh tsd that they would get that upset so that's a good thing in my opinion I agree with that.

And there's going to be a time when we release A Space Monkeys Christmas,

and nobody will care.

I don't know when that'll be.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, eventually, there'll be one where we drop it, and we could drop it a month late, and no one will care.

No one will give a shit.

And then we're going to be like, well, how, you know, then we're going to be thinking back, like, oh man, remember when everybody was so mad?

Remember that?

We brought it on ourselves.

So

let's not get too upset that some of the listeners are upset.

That only shows that they love you.

Do they?

All right.

We'll get it started earlier next year.

I had a post-Christmas story just because I don't know if anybody's Christmased out, though.

No.

No.

And I was questioning people if I've ever told this story before because I thought it was a good story.

But I kind of think it's possible that I told it before, though.

Fuck it.

We got new listeners.

The Batman Utility Belt story.

You guys had a lot of Batman Utility Belt talk at one time.

I don't know.

We'll talk about it someday.

This promises to be educated magic.

Oh, logic, you know.

Maybe you should.

It sounds like nine heart attacks.

Maybe you should do this entire episode with a piece of leather in your mouth so you don't swallow your tongue.

We're in a fucking oxygen temple.

And an iron lung.

You got to get healthy, buddy.

That's your resolution.

That's never happened before.

You're getting older, dude?

Yeah, I just got a little like that.

Your health is definitely decreasing.

Well, that meant the oxygen couldn't get to your brain because you were laughing.

That's not normal.

Well, it's because I'm coughing.

It's that phlegm that he mentioned earlier, in case you wanted to hear about it again.

All right.

If you were paid to lose weight, would you do it?

Yeah.

I don't know if money motivates this guy, though.

Might, though.

It might.

But I question sometimes if money motivates him.

I don't know what motivates him.

I tried to find out what his real job

Well,

are you offering to pay, get him to get to lose weight?

Like a dollar a pound?

I think

I would, yeah.

He's like, so what?

I only get 200 bucks?

What's the figure?

Honestly, think about it for a second.

For you to lose

50 pounds?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Well, I think I have to ask you.

Get him.

You can come back and.

Oh, wait, there you are.

I don't know.

Ideally, what would you like to lose?

I was down to when I was when I looked like I had cancer, as Walt says, I was down to about like well, as Walt's relics would say, Behind your back,

that's alpha flat in control.

You know, like skinny,

the second you leave, they're like, How much longer does he have?

And how did he keep his hair?

Is that beard fake?

Did he have to go buy a fake spear?

I look like one of the Sugg Bottom boys.

Like, I'm all timey.

I'm a daffodin, man.

How much did you weigh?

I was like 160-ish.

Wow, what do you know?

I fear stepping on a scale.

So, we got to do more than 50.

So, seven.

I'll bet you the scale fears it more.

How much would it, what is the number that you would be like, I have to lose the weight to get that tax-free cash money?

I would probably do it for my health as well.

No,

it's

true.

No, what's the number that you were like, I'd be, I can't pass this up.

I have to do this.

I don't know.

Honestly.

So say it was like 5,000.

They're like, 5,000, you got a year to lose, blah, blah, blah.

I'd probably do a 5,000.

That's a lot.

25 grand.

Yeah, I was thinking like 1,000.

Huh.

What are you drinking out of there?

Maybe that's what's making you cough.

You know what I was?

I think I was because when I was snowblowing last night with that wind and everything, as I told you.

No, I don't remember.

Can I repeat the story?

Referring back.

All right.

Bam Utility Bell.

Unless someone's going to match that 5K.

If you could lose 75 pounds by October, I'll give you $5,000 cash.

Well, someone's at the way right now, though.

I trust Giddam.

I don't.

You think I have to monitor this?

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

I'm just sitting here lamenting that I didn't say

I'll lose weight for money.

See, you have to hold out.

Would you be motivated motivated from that offer right there?

Yeah, like I said, I know I have to change a lot of things about my October.

I'll earn $5,000 specifically to give to you.

Okay.

You're taking it on?

Do I have to give you $5,000 if I don't?

No.

Okay.

No.

I'd be willing to attempt it.

Yeah.

To attempt it, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Attempt it.

All right.

So when do you start?

You can't put it off.

He's got to do a weigh-in.

Got to do a weigh-in.

All right, so we'll do the weigh-in next week.

We won't tell everybody what your starting weight is until it's over.

Okay.

We'll spare you that shame.

They'll figure it out once we're like, all right, he has to lose 170 pounds.

Yes, come on.

I just want to let people know.

All right, cool.

So next week we'll bring a scale and we'll start.

See, that's the thing.

In this day and age, people think that shame should be a thing of the past.

It absolutely should not.

You should do it for shame.

You should be ashamed of yourself when you weigh in and then work towards not being ashamed.

Yeah.

I can see that.

On a personal level, it was 104 pounds I wanted to lose.

Yeah.

So far, I'm up to like 85.

You're looking good.

I should be ashamed of that.

I'm fucking 104 pounds overweight.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Sure.

Why that extra four pounds?

Why was that four pounds so even number?

Yeah, because it was an even number.

Because I want to weigh 200.

I weighed 304.

So,

yeah, so

that's what it would go down to.

Fucking fantastic.

All right.

So I'm getting.

There's no retroactive money in it for you.

All right.

So you're going to

pick weigh in next week.

And this is all for a good cause.

That's a

solid move.

Bonus if you get to 100 pounds.

We'll work it all out.

Okay.

I like the assumption that you could lose 100.

I dropped pretty quickly

when I did start to lose weight.

You know that Natty Ice is going to have to go.

That's a big part of it.

Yeah.

No, it's the biggest part.

That's the, that is it.

If he cuts out that beer, it'll fall off him.

Yeah.

It'll just melt away.

Trying to save this guy's life.

You feel better.

You're not having a fucking conniption every time you laugh.

It's just, like I said.

That's like I said, I've just, no, I've never had that happen before.

I was just weird.

Remember, I asked you just the other day if you ever had a,

what's it called?

A stroke?

No, stroke.

What's it called?

A seizure.

Yeah.

You look like you were having one.

You just asked it out of nowhere.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

Something in my like, you never have a, you ever have, holy shit.

Remember how you have those dogs that alert you when their masters are going into a seizure?

Right.

I think I had a six-day-old alert in my head that you were going to have a seizure.

You're like one of those truffle pigs that like

sussing out truffles and shit.

You're like a seizure dog.

I said you're like a seizure dog.

Yeah, a seizure.

We got a new title.

Sorry, get him.

Right?

Remember, I said that.

Why would I ask you that out of the blue?

Have you ever had a seizure before, right?

You've asked me weird questions out of the blue before, so I don't know if I'm...

I don't even know why I asked you, though.

How big is it?

Over the stall.

The figure's a little.

As big as a greasy.

And you know what?

We just dropped it, right?

You said, no, I never have, and I just let it go.

You're a great big fat person.

I had a premonition you were going to have a seizure.

We should have been.

Yet you didn't prepare for the possibility.

You know what?

But it was the first time I ever felt it, so I didn't know how to react.

So I'm like, are you going to have do you have seizures, Giddam?

And he said no.

So I'm like, all right, maybe my, maybe what I'm feeling or what I'm sensing is

I don't know what I'm feeling.

So maybe, and I just didn't, but now I know.

And I have that feeling like I know something's going to happen to you.

You should walk around with a pencil so you could just shove it in between my teeth.

Yeah, I'll tell you when I, when I have

something coming on.

Sweet.

All right, Giddam.

Way in next week.

On that note.

Way in next week.

Cue, people want to hear hear what you have to say about.

Oh, okay.

We got a, we got a.

About,

I guess they're thinking of changing a state law in Oregon.

Oh, no, wait.

They did change the law.

Motorists in rural counties can now pump their own gas, because previously it was only Oregon and New Jersey where people do not pump their own gas.

They require an attendant, and some people are.

Why is that?

I think it was, from what I understand, it was basically for jobs.

Because if you suddenly get rid of all the attendants, then they don't have any jobs, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

That's the understanding that I got.

Now, on a personal level, I don't like pumping my own gas unless for expediency.

I don't like my hands smelling like gas.

I'll go to a place where there are guys there, like, ready to go, but I don't like the cold and the rain.

I don't like getting out and doing it in that.

New Jersey traditionally even had, even though we were full service, we had cheaper gas than even like New York or any other.

Still do?

Right.

Yeah, we do.

So that's.

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum.

I love it when I go out of the state because I feel like a man.

That's the only time I can feel like a man.

You buy all your gas in Pennsylvania.

You will drive to Pennsylvania natural gas.

Because I don't know how to get a car.

Hey, kids, watch this.

I don't know how to fix a car.

I don't know how to even, I don't even know how to pop a hood sometimes.

Like I'm asking people, how do I pop this hood?

Does the gas go under the hood?

But I love when I'm able to go out of town.

Especially when I drove to Florida, I had to put my own gas in the car the whole time.

And it does feel like

you're a bit more masculine.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

It gives me a lot of time.

Ask your daughter, is your bitch of a boyfriend pump his own gas?

But she doesn't know how.

Yeah, I do other stuff that makes me feel manly, not so much getting out in minus one weather and pumping my own gas.

I prefer someone else do it, especially if it makes it cheaper for me.

It's hard to argue it.

The Wawa that I passed, they put the new pumps in where it's diesel and gas.

And the other Wawa I go to is they have diesel-only pumps in self-serve for diesel in New Jersey.

And it bothers me when I go to the one that they come out and pump it into my truck for me.

Can you tell the snowblowing struggle again?

Or have another seizure with it?

Yeah, can you make me laugh so he fucking

won't revive him?

Yes.

He just turns his back.

To be fair, all we did was watch him.

None of us.

I point to him.

I put my hand on his back.

What are you talking about?

A healing touch?

That's compassion.

I don't know what he's doing.

He has human contact.

I'll give you in death what you never had in life.

It's like when they let you pet your dog as they put it to sleep.

All right.

Okay.

So what is the question?

So the question is, Q,

there's some Oregonians that are

crying about it and be like,

I don't know what to do.

I don't, how is this going to change?

They don't.

So

can I give some advice to them?

Yes, Q, can you offer some advice to these people?

When you pull up to the pump, if you look at

your dashboard, all your dials and

the speedometer and stuff.

The cluster.

If you look at your gas tank

gauge, it tells you how much gas in it.

Next to the little picture of the pump is

an arrow, and it either points to the right or the left.

That arrow points to the side of the car where your gas

where your gas tank where you fill up your tank.

Is that on all cars?

Every car, standard on every car.

Most people don't know about it, and I figure these people in Oregon are going to have problems now.

What side is it on?

Never did it before.

All you got to do is look at your gas gauge, and it'll have the little arrow pointing to which side your gas store is on.

Life hash.

That is some of the best advice you've ever given on Telm Steve, Dave.

It's pretty good because when somebody told me, I was like, oh, shit.

Change my life.

You're acting like he designed the arrow rather than just pointing out everyone else.

Somebody told me, and it does.

It changes.

Now, this arrow, it's not the blinkers?

No.

Okay.

No.

Does the game change if you turn your blinkers off?

No.

No, no, no.

We don't know much about cars.

Yeah.

That's good, especially for rental cars when you don't know what side it's on.

All right.

Well, there you go, Oregonians.

Q's helped you out.

Do you have anything else you want to summon, Baron?

I don't think I have anything.

How time did we cut you off?

Did you?

I do have something.

If you would bear with me for a second.

Shit.

I'm going to be two places.

Oh, you're on tour?

What?

I'm on tour, yeah.

What do you mean?

Not really.

You're on contour.

It's a bit of a contour.

You know what, Mings?

I got to go go to Ming's Instagram because he knows.

Well, no, one is just

we're going out to the Funco premiere.

There's a Funco documentary that we're going out to.

So

we are going to do a show one of those days.

Oh, yeah?

A live show?

A live show.

What are you guys calling it?

Who is we?

I don't know.

Let me see.

Mike, Ming, and Brian.

Are you guys calling it

comic book man?

Are you allowed to?

Did you you get AMC's approval?

No.

He's calling it.

Okay, it's January 21st, 2017.

It's 2018, actually.

Meet the new West Coast Avengers.

Whoa!

Marvel might have a problem with that.

I'm not sure what we're avenging.

Marvel may put a cease-it-desist on Ming if he calls it that.

They may try.

But Ming was calling it as nasty as they want to be, much like Two Life Crew.

And I'm not sure if he's talking about the show or the room that Mike and Ming are sharing

when this is nasty as well.

That's the name of the show in place.

Mike, Ming, and Bri as Nasty As They Wanna Be?

West Coast Avengers as Nasty As They Wanna Be.

That's a rap album, right?

Who knows?

Yeah, it's

Two Life Crew.

Really?

Yep.

It's a get a behind the scenes look at the hit unscripted TV show Comic Book Men featuring Ming, Brian and Mike.

And I guess we're going to tell stories.

Anecdotes?

Anecdotes, jokes that didn't make it.

Where is it at?

What's the date?

Oh, it's January 21st, 2018.

That's a Sunday, I believe.

And it's the Scum and Villainy Katina 6377 Hollywood Boulevard.

Oh, I heard that place is awesome.

Yeah,

that's what Ming said.

Yeah, people really like it.

Oh, man.

Well, I mean, if you're not on that coast, I have a show in Syracuse, New York that night.

You know, so you can see us.

Or you can just come to the store anytime you want and see Walt.

Don't do that.

It's not as nasty as you want to be, though, because Walt has put the kibosh on any sort of nastiness with the Jokers, right?

That's right.

Oh, you're oh, you mean with the Jokers?

We still want to work out the next version of the show.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, we still want to write material and stuff like that, so I'll be sure to keep it

as clean as that could be.

Right.

No blue.

No blue.

Are we going to summon the band?

Somebody tried to show you.

Oh, you have a second show.

Oh, you have a second thing.

Yeah, February 9th to 11th, Astronomicon in Detroit.

As nasty as you want to be there, too?

Dude, anywhere I go.

I'm as nasty as I want to be.

And where is that?

That's in Sterling Heights, Michigan, which I guess is just outside of Detroit.

Yeah, the only reason I'm doing that one is because

I want to moderate Kane's panel and Bill Mosley's panel.

Get out of here.

Kane's going to be there?

Yeah, so that's.

And fucking, what's his name?

Napoleon Dynamite is going to be there, so I'm going to give him some shit for dissing us.

He dissed us?

Early on, yeah, early on.

What, diss D or comic bookman?

Comic Bookman.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

No, it was Tom Steve Dave because I wanted to ask him some questions.

They're going to do like a bumper for us.

And he's like, gosh, no.

Michigan.

Michigan.

And Kane, Kane, it's a panel about Kane?

It's, I guess, the Friday the 13th panel.

Oh, man, I may want to fly up for this.

You definitely should.

Sid Haig is going to be there.

Bill Mosley is going to be there.

Let's see.

Booker T.

You must like him, right?

Yeah, I like Booker T.

King Booker.

Eric Bischoff.

Oh, shit.

Tyler Mayne.

Tyler Mayne.

Road Warrior Animal.

Tyler Maine was the first.

Saboteh.

Sabertooth, yeah.

Scott Hall.

Uh-huh.

Bruce.

Who's the fucking WWE or Kevin Nash?

Oh, shit.

Who, if you look, is still below certain TV personality.

Yeah.

A picture that they fucking will not update no matter how many fucking times I ask.

Who is they?

My

people.

My peeps.

Oh, Stacey's losing consciousness.

Uh-oh.

No, get him.

Sit down.

She has to keep out.

Get him.

Put that thing away.

Giddam's phlegm in your mouth.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine?

I'd be like, just let the seizure take hold of you.

Just living.

Knowing what that memory is at worth and carrying that burden.

Like,

you would rather be like Freddy Krueger's mom swallowing the loads of a hundred maniacs

than

a little bit of spittle.

Yeah,

is that what they call survivors guilts?

Fucking Amanda Kruger.

The bastard son of a thousand maniacs.

Or a little bit of get him spittle on your lip.

What is with the cough?

I know.

Are you not allowed to do you have you have health insurance, right?

Yeah.

Go get some fucking antibiotics or a spray or something.

That's why I got the, I just got some cock drops.

Oh, some over-the-counter fucking no-brand.

They're falls.

Got them at the auction.

They're fucking fucking fucking fucking.

They're falls, and I think he's full.

That's why they work.

Yeah, they have cocaine in them.

I would love to see the bar.

You know what?

You were right, too.

You're like, I generally feel better if I come down and do the show.

And I think that may be part of it because we haven't done it since before Christmas.

So if I go too long without hanging out with you guys, maybe that's why you're in a shitty mood.

Could depend.

Yeah, because I'm in a better mood now.

You want to summon it?

My Renfield,

as I call him, to summon me?

I'm not going to put all this shit on, dude.

Not on fucking camera.

Just put the hat on.

I was going to take a picture.

Huh?

I was going to take a picture so people knew it's costume.

I'll do that later.

It's post-show.

I'll put all the costume on.

That's how they do it in the industry.

Post-effects.

I'm not familiar with this industry.

My people haven't told me about it.

That's why I'm doing shitty cons in fucking outside Detroit

and 50 seaters with Mike and Minnie.

So like I can find all these.

As fancy as you want to me though.

$50 from each of them?

No,

as now, as we've found out in the Halloween special,

I have unlimited souls now.

Well, not unlimited.

Only a couple hundred of you fuckers wet and bought a skull.

So I have plenty of skull skull souls that I can now use.

Like an unlimited fax.

I don't even, nobody has to pay for them anymore.

Okay.

And

so recite the poem, get them.

Why is this asshole retweeting the same or re-instagramming or however the fuck you do it

with the wrong date?

He keeps

because I'm going to re-re-post it.

Ming.

I was going to repost it, but it's the wrong date.

Do you think his nasty as they want to be title is a shot at the Impractical Jokers?

Like how I was like, I'm going to fucking clean it up.

And he's like, you sold out.

We're as nasty as we want to be.

I wouldn't have made that correlation.

Is that the right use of the word?

Yeah.

It's close enough.

It's English.

You must be feeling a little

self-conscious about

the.

I wasn't, but I mean, we're narcissists.

We're selling out.

It's all about me.

What, was that seizure?

That was was sound fake to seizure season two, episode nine?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't say that fucking like, you know,

somebody who wasn't a friend of mine did it, but he's a friend of mine.

But at the same time, you can imagine him taking a subtle shot at the Jokers.

Yeah.

All right.

What's that game they play?

All the degrees of Bacon?

Oh,

six degrees of Kevin Bacon and Q.

Right.

Sorry, Bacon.

You're out of the back burner.

All right, go ahead, Giddem.

Darkness, drown out light, appear, feed the fact, within my sight.

Caveat M Tor, Giddam.

Caveat M Tor, Walt.

I'm the Baron, bitch.

What are you talking about?

I don't waltz anymore.

I got the hat on.

Fucking.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, Q.

This session of the Baron.

Oh, sorry.

I'm dog sitting on it.

Someone needs their thunder shirt.

Thunder vest.

Thunder vest.

We may not be able.

We'll have to put Declan to work.

He'll have to put the thunderclaps in after the.

Well, I hope I have time.

Well, we got it now.

Well, after every fact, I would have put a thunder in.

And I don't want to scare the dogs.

Oh, that's okay.

That's hard.

You can't scare that of me.

But

this episode of The Baron, or this segment of The Baron, it's all sex facts.

The Baudy Baron.

The Baudy Baron.

The Baudy Baron, because that's what I'm calling this one.

Oh, you know what I want to hear then?

Declan?

I want to hear a sexy version of Thunder, like

with something like that.

Yeah, like Thunder to Bang, but.

Yeah.

Like, this is the Baron After Dark.

Should we have a Baron theme song?

Yeah, there is a Baron theme song that we came out to on the live on the Grammar See.

I'll see if I can get that to.

Jay Sarge can sexy it up.

Yeah,

we need a Baron After Dark theme song out tonight.

Yeah, I don't know if we're going to have the time again.

Add some that semi-cue to get, because I told you, I know you guys had the blues, and I was going to chase your blues by making you guys horny.

Right, I love it.

Chase, what's worked in the past?

I'm going to make it.

We'll get as nasty as we want.

I'll make you guys horny by these facts, and thus you won't be sad anymore.

Okay.

All right, you ready for the first fact?

Makes perfect sense.

Yeah.

Well, don't you feel a little bit better after you've

forget it.

From what I recall,

the first fact from the body baron.

There's enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet.

Whoa, that's right, yo.

Whoa.

So a healthy man

could father

a child with every fertile woman on the planet, just one man.

That's crazy.

There's a lot of

fertile women out there, huh?

So, wait, at one time?

Like,

in one man's body

at any given time, gave each healthy woman a single scarf.

Not somebody that has a slice and has to put a pellet in his backside.

Some would argue he's healthier

than other guys his age.

Some would make that argument.

Some.

I'm included in some.

It's not like I have the testosterone of a vegan.

What do you think of that, huh?

I think it's pretty impressive.

It's pretty impressive.

Get them, you want kids?

What?

Eventually, yeah.

Eventually.

We're not talking about the ones that go to the high school across the street.

Your kids.

Your clock is ticking.

Your parental clock is on the fucking.

It's on the other side of midnight, bitch.

What do you mean?

What are you waiting for?

A willing female?

Why don't you adopt Alec?

No.

No.

He's mine.

Too late, Walt.

So, yeah,

I knew that would blow your mind.

That's pretty crazy.

Is that making you guys a little bit more

cheerful?

Yeah.

You found that out?

I felt a twitch.

I'm not a full arousal yet, but this is definitely a twitch.

Get ready to have to cross your legs.

Oh, and come back.

Can we back up?

What a shot he takes at me.

Supposed to make me feel better.

Without medical assistance.

You might as well be a girl taking that pump.

No, that was.

You never filled your own gas.

Call yourself a man with a gas.

You don't pump women.

You're worse than a gay.

You're putting words in the Baron's mouth you didn't say.

And would never say.

Get ready to have to hide.

Hold on.

I want to to stare at Stacey Patello while you say this sexy fact.

Uh-oh.

Hold on for this.

Get the old shower ready.

Give him that old nasty water like I pour it on his head after I say this.

Poor dog.

Approximately, one-third of women

in their 80s continue to have sex with their partners so long as they are both in good enough health to do so.

One-third.

She'll look forward to it.

That's a lot of 80-year-olds.

Do they mean married partners or

partners?

No, I tell you, my parents live in that retirement community down there.

That's fucking free-for-all.

I heard they're worse than a living college.

How would they come by that information?

No,

it's like a thing.

Oh, I would love it if my parents were involved in that.

They're not, unfortunately.

No, there was a book written about it.

Do you think it would raise your dad's pulse even

a couple beats?

I've never seen someone as stoic as Q's dad.

It's like I made him laugh, and it's like when people make you laugh, like there's a sense of a comment.

Oh yeah.

My father is locked down.

He hasn't had

what you would think.

You don't get your sense of humor from your father's side then.

I'm almost

I might have never heard my father tell a joke in my entire life.

So where do you get it from all from your mom?

I don't really get it from anywhere.

I just find funny people and hang around them.

That's what I said.

Yeah, like anytime there's a claim to, like, well, you know where he gets it from, it's like, yes, Walt, Kev, like, any number of friends that I had growing up or into adulthood.

Well, yeah, I could see that.

You don't want to give your parents any props.

They got no credit for that.

Pam's pretty funny.

Yeah, she's a riot.

How much would it annoy you?

Pam was fucking hysterical.

It annoys me when she says something and people laugh that I'm like, what are you laughing at?

Like, I'm surrounded by retards.

I'm just so angry.

I'm like, did I wander into a Sonic or something?

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

So that doesn't surprise me.

Doesn't surprise you.

But that's like saying if there's 180-year-olds,

let's say

you're doing a Joker show at a retirement community.

Yeah.

And there's about 180-year-olds there.

A third of them are fantasizing about you, probably.

Let's hope so.

Only a third?

Well, the issue is that men die way before women.

So in these retirement communities, it's like 10 to 1.

So guys, they come back to the rule, man.

They fucking fuck around.

Hardcore.

There's got to be black market Viagra going on there.

Dude,

I'm telling you, I've read a whole book.

It's called

Leisureville.

Yeah.

Leisureville.

Leisureville.

Because you're not supposed to take Viagra every fucking day, and that's what these people do.

Like, they go nuts.

And probably they all don't get prescriptions, so somebody goes.

And it's expensive.

It's that and weed.

It's 50 bucks a pill.

Weed?

Weed are huge, like, there's a big Viagra and weed trade.

I cannot wait until I can move into a retirement

village five years from now.

It's going to be so sweet.

I'm going to be the fucking young meat, right?

Yeah,

you will be.

Yeah, you'll be fresh fish, dude.

Yeah, like, what's with the scar scar on the ass?

I'm like, never mind that, baby.

Just you know what?

80-year-old gray pubes back.

They are not going to care about that.

As long as you, as long as you're, you'll be the most virile dude there.

Yeah, like, if I don't care about your fucking face, I certainly don't care about the scar on your ass.

Do you think it's a different experience being with an 80-year-old?

Oh, think about all that experience they have.

Yeah.

They gotta have no,

they have to have no, what are the, what's sort of like no inhibitions?

Inhibitions, yeah.

Like I'm ready to try anything.

Okay,

I'll be dead soon.

I didn't mean mentally.

Oh.

I meant physically.

I mean, to me, like I see an 80-year-old, I'm like, you're going to snap like a fucking piece of spaghetti.

Well, think about it.

That's the only allure for me.

She's not going to survive.

I mean, think about it.

They have like those adjustable beds and

all that equipment.

Yeah.

Probably make a laid out with a 60-something-year-old woman on her honeymoon.

I'm like, on her honeymoon.

So that was pretty grotesque.

I've heard that.

I've heard there's a big STD problem in the

they can get access to the drugs, but not stuff like condoms.

Why not?

They also don't realize there's a cure for syphilis.

They're so old.

Why can't they just roll

on Amazon

and get

some prophylactics?

I don't, I mean, you can't get pregnant.

They don't give a fuck down there, I'm telling you.

Yeah.

They're like, oh, raw dogs.

You don't have to worry about pulling out or anything.

The villages, Florida, it seems to be the fucking.

And why did your parents pick there?

They didn't, because it is a beautiful community.

It's got a lot of good stuff.

They didn't know about the

number one thing.

Or they knew.

I don't know.

So is there a chance that they knew and picked that on purpose?

No, no, and my mom.

I hope so.

I would be really happy if it wasn't.

So you're saying

across the board, not just this one.

Across the board.

Oh, I thought it was this specific.

No, no, the book was pretty.

The book was written about this community.

That your parents live in.

Yes.

Did you tell them?

I told them.

What did they think?

My mother was like, she didn't like it too much.

Or was it because I had found out that she didn't like it?

It's true.

Well, she should have been tipped off by the town of Fuxburg.

I was like, I don't know.

But if you move in, like, you're an old guy and you move in, and you're like, wait, what?

Like, you didn't even know that?

Yeah.

But

knowing yourself,

you're 80 and you're looking at another 80-year-old lady.

Are you like, fine, I don't care?

Depends on where I am in my life, I guess.

But

I probably wouldn't let you.

You're still doing jokers.

Oh, God.

I'm begging how to snap you like a Twitter.

Geriatric jokers died out jokers.

I'm begging to die.

They keep this thing in me that keeps me alive.

Truth implanted.

They won't let me die.

All right.

Fact three.

I'm going to try it with the dog.

Let's see what happens here.

Besides humans, wolves, bears, and bats engage in oral sex.

How about that, Willow?

I did that a little softer.

Was that a little bit sexier for you?

Yeah, that thing.

You could see yourself.

Oh, yeah.

That's not like alarming thunder where you're like, oh,

that's like, ooh, that's far enough for you.

It's coming pleasure thunder.

Waves, waves of thunder.

Yeah.

Emanating.

So bats are giving each other blowjobs.

Yeah, wolves, bears, and bats are the only other species that engage in the practice of

oral pleasure.

So that means there's got to be a lot of homosexual activity in the bat community.

There's a lot of gay bats.

See, that's odd that you would jump to that conclusion.

I assumed it was male-female.

Because it's so much easier, just the tongue, right?

The rough, like they all have rough tongues and shit.

Like, I can't see a bear sucking a cock, right?

Unless it's like a dude bear.

But like a regular bear bear, like.

Well, I don't think they give heads.

I think they just start licking their genitals.

Like, it's not like.

So you think they just like, like, if a girl's doing it's just licking it, not necessarily sucking and cradling and using that twist.

Like they're making eye contact.

Yeah, I don't think they're making eye contacting and sending in the general to see how it goes.

So, wait, wait, it's wolves do it, but not domestic dogs.

So, it's something that we've bred out of it.

I can say that with a fact for a fact.

They won't do it until they research it.

Peanut butter.

Nothing works.

Popcorn.

Live videos.

You make a box videos.

I guess we

fucked up this.

Horseblood.

All the horseblood in the world.

Phlegm.

Catch it.

Our forefathers fucked us fucked us up, man.

We beat it out of them.

But have you ever seen a bat, other than when it's sleeping,

do anything slow?

It's just like they just fly around like their heads are on fire.

Like they're on meth.

Just like aiming at the middle.

So I can't even, like,

how still would they have to be to perform that act on another bat, though?

Well, they hang upside down, so that puts one of them in the proper position.

They're in 69 at a lot of times.

Yeah.

I can only imagine the girl who's tested with giving Gidem head is probably looks like a bat mid-flight, just darting all over, trying to get away.

Looking for an opening in a window, a door, is a window ajar,

a fucking belfry to hang out in.

Anything.

Anything to get out of here.

Not in October 2018, though.

No.

Fucking lined it up.

Yeah, there's going to be a line.

It's going to be flush, too.

You got to beat them.

You can beat the bats off with a

80-year-old old bats.

Down in retirement.

If you guys had to choose which species would you like to see that, like if you had a national geography,

which one would you jump to see?

The bears, the wolf, or the bats?

Kind of curious to see how a bat goes down.

Yeah, because, like you say, the bats are just like frantic.

And frenetic.

It's like watching a hummingbird perform it.

Right.

Which I would also watch.

If it were possible, I would watch Hummingbird porn.

What about you, Gay?

Which would you prefer to see?

The bats, since I've already seen the other two do it.

Yeah, the bat, like I said, that would be interesting, just figuring out the logistics of it.

A vampire bat, but he doesn't want blood.

Oh, no.

Well, maybe sometime in the month he does.

That bat's as nasty as he wants to be.

Oh, he's going to get his red wings.

More way than one.

We should be the number one podcast in the world.

Yeah.

Look at that speed.

Look at that speed of Brian Johnson.

It's unbelievable.

It's insane.

It's unbelievable.

That we languish somewhere around one million.

Like on the nerdist, are they talking about fucking bats?

No, but I think they are talking to Tom Cruise.

So I don't think it matters.

I think Tom Hanks was up there.

But does that really compare?

We're talking to Tom Hanks about his typewriter collection.

Yeah, but that sounds pretty good.

Is that really more interesting than Brian Johnson throwing out Red Wings?

It's not, but to the average person,

you'll be like, what's he talking about?

Oh, everybody knows what you're talking about.

What's an easier sell?

Tom Hanks talking about typewriters or Brian Jensen talking about homosexual bats 69ing each other during their periods.

I know which one I'd want.

I know, I know, but

I like typewriters.

I don't like Tom Hanks.

I still like fucking Farris Cump.

You want to hear some more?

Oh, yeah.

You in a better mood?

Yeah.

And horny.

And horny.

Okay.

We'll get them.

This is interesting, I thought.

I had no idea that this was.

This is from a medical association.

The average time to achieve an erection

for a normal, healthy man

is under 10 seconds.

Whoa!

Wait, that can't be right.

How old?

What's that age range?

It says the average time to achieve an erection for a normal, healthy male is under 10 seconds.

If it's more than 10 seconds, you may have a dysfunction.

You need some pellets.

Yeah.

Well below.

That seems 10 seconds.

I haven't gotten fucking 10 seconds in a while.

It's like you're like 18 or 19, right?

Yeah.

It's, and also, it has to be like

fully.

I'm going to do this, and then 10 seconds later, you're ready to do this.

That seems awfully fast.

Yeah.

You guys

are

your inner clocks are not working at a 10-second

performance from zero to ten seconds.

Not so much anymore, but like you don't need a you don't need a stopwatch, you need a calendar.

A while back.

But now, yeah, you would definitely need to see a couple sweeps of the hand, maybe.

I don't know.

10 seconds is fast.

Remember that Wiley Cruise song?

10 seconds to love.

10 seconds to love, yeah.

Oh, I'm not saying it won't be over in 10 seconds.

I'm saying the startup.

Yeah, normally

you can do it and pay within 10 seconds.

Are you in the same

as Q and Brian, maintaining that 10 seconds

is a ridiculous standard to meet?

I would say maybe 10 seconds to full

full mast.

I would say by 10 seconds, it's pretty much halfway there at least.

So you need 20, you're saying?

Yeah, I would say.

It seems like in my mind, that's about how long it takes.

Is that still 20?

Which in the girl's mind is 19 seconds too long.

20 seconds in hell.

Hey, I didn't hear any complaints.

You know what?

Give me the week.

I mean, she had tape over her mouth.

Give me a week.

I'm going to do some research on it.

I'll do some research research on you.

You have a stopwatch and I will not.

Yeah.

I'll get back to you when we record next week.

Mike just bought a collection of 80s porn.

Did you see all those magazines?

He did not buy just a collection of 80s porn.

He brought a giant collection, and there happened to be some 60s Playboys in there.

Out of three bins, one of them was all porn.

Yeah.

It wasn't like we chose to bring that

smut in.

Right over there back by my area.

It makes you nauseous that

it's even here, I mean.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you want me to get some of that out of here for you?

You might want to.

It's pretty interesting because it's so old.

I found interesting was Walt's take on it.

He goes, He's like, Why do you need so much?

He goes, Don't you just need like one or two magazines and then you're done?

Yeah, why would this guy need a collection of them?

Like, if you have two good ones, that's all you need.

You get bored after a while.

Well, that's why you got a fucking

weak trigger.

That's why you need more than 10 seconds.

This guy needs colours to become desensitized.

Yeah, I looked at so many old porn magazines.

So you're telling me 10 seconds, the Baron's good to go.

The Baron doesn't even need the full 10 seconds.

Whoa!

What kind of fags are these guys?

The Baron can be ready to rock in

probably 8.5.

Wow.

Above average in every aspect.

Super smeller?

Faster than a speeding bullet.

Well, we're going to get to that.

Oh, okay.

The Baron is quick, but not in every aspect.

Get him.

Don't assume.

Oh, I know.

He doesn't need anything.

All right, you ready to move on to the next one?

Hey, Alec, you want to change your name to Renfield?

Hi, I'm Renfield.

This is a special Santa Claus.

If you give money to the shriners,

you can have your name changed and become a ward of the stats, too.

Award of the stats.

Buy a skull.

I have three dads now.

Again, I defy anybody who listening.

Why are you listening to the nerdist?

Three men and a crippled baby.

Why are you

like, right?

You're going to listen to people interview Obama.

Dude, like

sacrin, fucking boring, dry bullshit.

I don't need to hear anywhere.

I don't know.

It's like the late night shit that's on TV now.

Pussy ass bullshit.

I don't know if the nerdist is like really that fucking lame, is it?

I don't know.

Compared to this?

Compared to everything.

They're not as nasty as they want to be.

Q, are you appearing on The Nerdists?

Why are you?

I'd like to make an announcement.

You know, well, Matt Meyer is a good friend of mine.

I actually do.

I would like to use a different example than The Nerdist, but I actually do like The Nerdists.

Let's say, I don't know, Mike and Mink show.

I'm only using The Nerdist because they're super popular.

They're super popular.

They're probably the.

The Nerdist's number one podcast probably in the world, right?

Matt, Joe Rogan, maybe.

No,

Rogan is huge.

But a lot of them, like we said, are like a lot of learning podcasts.

Instructions.

NPR.

NPR, that kind of stuff.

If I'm using their as an example, it's not because I'm slamming it, it's because

they're Numeruno.

Right.

Well, when you're at the top, you got to expect your shots.

Now, do you think Alex has an exclusivity agreement with Shriners?

Or

do you think you can maybe

email him and he'll do a bumper for TESD?

Oh, I would love that.

Maybe some ants out there can make that happen.

Tired of it.

Bullshit, like the nerdless.

Like you said, man.

Is it like a parental joker's?

Maybe.

You know?

Wait, wait, but you know who the Shriners are?

I'm going to get them a song poster.

You know who the Shriners are part of, don't you?

Some bullshit.

They're part of the Masons.

Really?

Yes.

Well, that's good work for the Masons.

That's something that's part of their charity work.

Wasn't that the whole, like, oh, no, that was, I was going to say, that convention that was the Legionnaires, right?

The one where Legionnaires Disease came from?

Was that the Shriners?

Who is that?

I'm not sure.

I watched a wow.

So, wait, wait, we left off.

We're ready to go move on to this in one second.

You said something about time.

The next one was time as well.

Then we got into Legionnaire's disease.

Which get them, you might have with all that

coughing and shit.

Ejaculation under three minutes upon insertion is considered premature.

Yeah.

Ow, that long.

All right.

Three minutes.

How long has it been since you only lasted three minutes?

That's not a problem.

In fact, I think my issue goes in the other direction.

Me and you secrete duration spray.

That's why we're e-banging it through the secret stash if you want to buy it.

Yeah.

If anything, I think sometimes it goes on too long.

Most girls feel the same way with me.

Even if it is under duration, I'm talking about the girls.

I'm not talking about me.

I'm having a blast.

Yeah, I think both sides are like, all right, let's wrap this up.

But I thought medically, though.

Just pay me.

The hour's up.

That'll be 300 raises.

Just keep that back costume on five more minutes.

You're almost there.

Clap your wings.

He meant it's Batman.

Caught the curtains.

But medically,

I would have thought the Medical Association would have had a lower.

Because three minutes, I don't believe, I mean,

three minutes still feels like that that would not be

a problem.

You know what I'm saying?

I thought, like, I thought it would be like

three minutes is pretty cool.

20 seconds, you know, like, like that kind of like

in, done, over.

Sorry.

I know a girl who told me that she

was, I think, I don't know if she's currently with him or she was with him like pretty recently, and she said that like

in under 15 seconds,

that was happening.

But are they saying three minutes is the upper threshold of being premature and it's everything from three minutes down to no, anything over three minutes is fine.

You're the man.

You're a fucking love guy.

You're Casanova.

Yeah.

If you can go with five.

Look, there have been times where you're like, you're so excited and you're so into it that you're like, oh man, I got to slow this down.

Right?

Slow your roll.

Yeah.

The problem is, once I slow down, then I'm like, if I, if, if the horses want to escape the barn and I shut that barn at the last second because I want to keep those horses in a little longer.

Calm down, get him.

He doesn't

fucking hold on.

You fuck horses too?

Don't let them get their nose out.

Let me rephrase that.

What the Baron doesn't know is horses can blow you too.

And vice versa.

He's got to paint you like a carrot.

Baron, Baron, you're wrong.

Horses can blow you.

These cubes are all green.

Oh, God, that's horrible.

You know, when you're about to climax and you stop yourself?

Yeah.

When I do that,

then we're there for an hour.

That's the problem that I don't like about that.

It's a balancing act.

You've got a lot of plates.

Yeah, a lot of plates.

All right.

She was on the other end of the spectrum.

Ken, would you agree?

Not in a good way.

I'm not posting here.

She's on the spectrum.

Do you agree with the medical society that

over three minutes

would not be good?

I think over three minutes sounds normal.

Okay.

I don't know.

I don't usually.

Do you suffer from when you jerk off?

Do you do it in less than three minutes?

Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, because I'm trying to accomplish a goal.

It's an end to a mean.

I read somewhere that it's our mother's fault.

It's our parents' fault if you're a premature ejaculator because you're taught, like when you're young, masturbation is evil or God doesn't want you to do it, whatever.

So you'll do it as fast as you can

so you don't get caught.

You don't get in trouble.

I think about it, though.

You were taught.

Who taught you this?

That it was.

Oh, my parents told me constantly, like, every night at dinner, all they wanted to talk about was me masturbating.

Yeah, I never, I don't know,

did any type of conversation ever come up as you're growing up?

No.

That you're like, this is evil, Brian.

You better not be doing this.

No, it was just who's taught you although trying to teach you.

It was frowned upon.

It was definitely

like it was not.

I think that it would be frowned upon in my house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, your mom's pretty religious.

Yeah, and she was also 19 when she got married.

She didn't know anything.

You know what I mean?

It's like a crash.

Oh, I know what you mean.

My mother was 21 when she had me.

It was never discussed in my house, but I think if I knew I had like time till like a parent was coming home, I would just go to town and you know go to town.

Yeah.

I just got hard in less than five seconds.

You're a normal, healthy people.

Yeah, normal, healthy people.

And he talks about masturbating under the cover

of secrecy with his fucking relatives walking around the house.

Now

like a ghost in the corner just jerking off.

He just puts a bunch of old laundry over him.

Just like it starts sticking to his body with sweat.

Trying to ignore it.

Nowadays, I find it takes me longer to find good material than it does to.

Can you lock eyes with Stacey when I talk to you?

Well, we can explain my sister.

Let's move on before one of us vomits.

Me, you and Q are having seizures.

Kiddom describes jerking off.

This one's a good one, Q.

Okay.

I'm really curious to see if you have experienced this.

I hope so.

I don't know.

You may not, because I thought this was gross.

All right, you ready?

Approximately 60% of men have sex in other than the missionary position.

Gross.

Report getting erect nipples while having sex.

I don't think I've ever noticed.

I've never noticed, but that does sound gross.

You're right.

Oh, that would just turn off, I would think, my wife, if all of a sudden I was walking around like I had like these like

T minus 10.

How big are your nipples?

That just is so noticeable.

I've got like dinner plate areolas.

Let's hang some laundry off these suckers.

Where are you going?

Yeah, there is something 60% of men have said that this happens.

I know some women like playing with a dude's nipples.

Yeah.

Man, that hit home forget him.

Sick.

I don't think it's sick.

I don't know if I'd be comfortable with it.

What, like pinching nipples and shit?

Yeah, some chick like pinching my my nipples, girl.

Not for any other reason than I'm fucking overweight, so

I'm like, I'd be like, oh, God, let me tell you something.

Like the last, get off my tits, the last

two times that I've been in the house and not had a shirt on, Sage has been like, what's wrong with your stomach?

Because essentially, like, you know, you lose a bunch of weight until you really start

tightening up the skin.

Like, I look like a snake that was shedding its skin and just gave up halfway through.

Using like cocoa butter on that?

Yeah, I'm like, do you have anything for stretch marks?

I'm asking pregnant women.

Yeah, but it's like loose, so until I like tone and firm up and shit.

It's like, okay.

Does that firm up skin?

Because I've always seen on like, on like these crazy channels where they have like these people.

You have to get the skin removed.

Yeah, I don't think it's a good thing.

It's not that much skin, though.

Like, it's not enough.

She shouldn't be fucking pointing it out.

It's not like it's that bad.

I'm like, go check out TLC if you want some

Fames.

That's what I like about her, though.

Completely honest.

Without like, oh, this may fucking make him feel bad.

Where did she learn fat shaming from?

That's where you have to go.

I have no idea.

Did they get it?

I remember one time we were, I forget where you and I were, but we were on a beach, and this is when I was at my fattest.

I took my shirt off and you went,

mommy, mommy, why is that ugly woman going?

You were like,

why is that ugly woman?

I forget the rest of the session.

I was like, I guess I'll put my shirt on.

I don't feel so bad about it, Paul.

Calling out that pellet joke.

Yeah, no, no.

Yeah, who's he to fucking get trying to guilt me?

Trying to shame me for making a good joke.

I tried joke shaming in 2018.

This ain't the nerdist I found out.

Yeah, that was pretty ugly.

So, no, on the erect nipples queue?

I have never noticed my nipples get erect.

I don't feel I need to know.

Brian?

I've never noticed, no, but now I feel like the next time I may be like, oh, no.

But you, I'm beginning to think that you have experienced this phenomenon.

Enjoy it.

I don't, you know, I don't mind if someone wants to come up and grab them.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not saying, I'm talking about

we're not saying to put out a public plea.

I'm just saying in the mid and while you are engaged, they will

become aroused.

Big time.

Oh, wow.

Really?

Has this been always since puberty?

This has been a phenomenon of yours?

Well, I guess since I've been having sex, right?

Yeah.

It's not definitely not since puberty.

When you jerk off, do your nipples get on?

I would say sometimes.

It's got to be a clip.

Declan, please.

Pull that as one of the clips before the show begins.

I'm not ashamed to say I've maybe pinched them during the.

What?

Yeah.

During your own?

Yeah.

Why the fuck did he go to the bathroom?

Oh my God.

Wait a minute.

I didn't think that was unusual.

You missed.

I can't believe you walked out at that moment.

Please tell me Pete.

What Q asked you.

I asked Giddam when he masturbates, does his nipples get hard?

Right.

Then he said this.

I've sometimes pinched them during the like the act.

Get that.

I'm trying to erase that.

Why are we not as popular as the nerdist forgets?

Trying to figure this out.

Why?

I mean, did you ever try and lick him or something like that?

Like a fucking.

No, that's just.

He's not a freak.

You're not that bad.

Mental picture of that.

Oh, my God.

Now I just imagine him actually lactating.

Drinking his own milk.

Well, you have a free hand, and it's just like, okay, it's

something different.

I'm not.

Barron's, sorry.

Baron wants to apologize.

I'll tell you what, it took less than 10 seconds for it to go away.

Oh, wow.

As baudy as you want it to be, and now look.

No, like

staring in a mirror, pinching his own nipples.

You were looking in a mirror?

No.

Yeah, he was.

All right, fuck me.

Goodbye.

I have found, cute.

In the past, I have found like there are girls who like their nipples pinch so hard

that I'm like,

I'm going to terrorate the fucking off.

I'm going to hurt you.

Yeah.

And that's confusing because they don't all like that.

Then you could over apply pressure.

Yeah.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

No.

For the first time ever,

this next one, the Baron is going to defer to his Renfield.

He doesn't want to speak it aloud.

Ooh, shit.

It's a fact that is so.

Plus, he's got vomit in his mouth after that description of him jerking off and pinching his nipples.

Are you ready, Giddam?

I want you to read number seven.

Number seven.

Yeah.

Okay.

The average vagina is three to four inches long, but can expand by 200% when sexually aroused.

So that's a foot long.

Wait a second.

That's

deep or I thought like deep or long.

That way, like.

Like a cavern?

No, I thought it meant like

I guess it moves up to

support the belly button, right?

But you have stuff like the cervix that kind of like a Del Toro movie.

I've never seen that before, and I'm wondering why I guess I'm not doing it right, because I've never seen that act.

Don't doubt yourself.

No, I don't think that that.

It goes from...

I think I mean it's wide.

No, no, no, no.

I don't think it.

Yeah, that's.

Hold on.

Let's ask the one person who would probably know.

Maybe they mean it.

Does it move up to your sternum when you're turned on?

I mean the outwards.

I think they mean the outside, the appearance that everybody could see.

Puffy?

Like a puffer fish?

It looks like.

No, it doesn't.

Use your words.

I can't.

It's so, it's not right.

I don't think that goes.

I don't think it's like what you think.

Waltz.

I think it just means like expanding.

No.

It definitely does not do that.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

You're talking like

radioactive superheroes.

Yeah, that's like a horror movie, man.

There'd be teeth in that thing.

That was a good movie.

Yeah, are they talking about it expands in terms of getting wider to accommodate?

I would think more volume, and I could see a 200% volume, like in a little bit of, and a little bit of...

Because

if it can accommodate a baby, I can't, you know.

It ought to be able to accommodate a baby's arm.

Isn't that fact shocking?

No.

Still about as gross as Giddam's nipple play.

Yeah, I know.

We're really burying that, huh?

No, if it did what your drawing did, that would be disturbing.

But I don't think that's what it is.

I think it has to, though, because how can anybody ever know then?

What do you mean?

How could anybody ever know?

Masters and Johnson looked into it a little.

Everybody would know.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, if it's the inside, if it's the part that grows, it's the part we can't see.

Yeah.

Then how do we know what those that are?

There's MRIs.

They've had, yeah, you can go online and find videos of people having sex in MRI machines, and you can see things going on from the inside.

I'd be boasting, man.

I'd be like, when I was done with her, man, her pussy was up by her breadbasket and shit.

It was under her chin.

Yeah, 200%.

Because honestly, I have never seen anything like that.

And when I said

200%

increase.

So, yeah, like Giddam says, don't doubt yourself.

You're thinking of it in the wrong

physically impossible way.

I know you should sign that.

We'll eBay with a duration spray.

You want to put it out as an add-on, Giddem?

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

That's the shit.

I don't need those 80 porns.

I have your drawing of a vagina during sess.

Yeah.

What d what do you think of, Gidem, as you're fucking furiously masturbating and damaging your nipples?

Like, what's your go-to?

Um, porn videos.

You watch a porn video?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Like 80s porn?

No, it's usually more

porn.

It's only starting today.

Sometimes stories, you know, if you find a nice story,

that's kind of how I started when I was a kid.

You go back and rewatch drunk story time.

Because the guy at the store wouldn't sell you magazines, but he would sell you like those, they had like the little penthouse,

like the forum letters, yeah.

Right.

So so you would, you'll read a story, and then you put yourself into that story.

In the theater of the mind, yeah.

Theater of the mind, you know.

Yeah.

Wow.

We've got two more here.

All right.

You want to hear about getting them scenarios, huh?

This is fascinating.

Can we talk more about bats sucking each other off?

These last two are, I think, are excellent, and I could say them because they're not real.

They're not nasty.

84% of women have used sex to get their guy to do more around the house.

What a shocker.

Yeah.

That's a lot.

84%.

That's good.

I'm here to testify.

Works.

Not that I can do anything around the house.

I remember.

Right.

Yeah.

You're like, she's like, if you can stay out for a certain amount of time, I'll fuck you.

It's not like I can fix a damn thing in the house, but I can take the garbage out, though.

How about getting comics out of rooms?

Yes.

Those are tasks that can be fixed.

That's the reward.

Now I understand that frantic phone call to come pick up those comics.

Wow.

That doesn't surprise me.

Has that happened to you, You think?

Have you ever been

positively reinforced?

Not in a while.

I mean, he's a fucking hoarder.

Yeah, I'm not sure if

it hasn't happened recently, I would say.

But do you think that 84 is it?

Oh, no, I think that's a perfectly good, perfectly.

He's like I did something around the house, but then jerked off and played with my nipples as a reward.

But I think 84%, that's extremely high.

I think that's a male

study here.

You think that they're like, um, that guys are like, ah, the only way she'll fuck me is if I clean out the gutters.

I don't believe this to be accurate.

That's saying almost 90% of women are that conniving.

Or have done it, but they have done it.

I would tell her I'd be like, bitch, fuck me, or you'll be in a gutter.

There you go.

I'm free, right?

The fuck out.

You think that's high, Q, or do you think that's high?

I don't think that's high.

You don't think that's high?

I think it's kind of a no-brainer.

I'm surprised it's actually not higher.

Not 100%.

Really?

Yeah.

Unless you're a vegan, it's totally going to work.

So why would you

wait?

Like, you're going to respond to that.

It's like, hey, just do this test and

vegan later on.

I'm taking a shot of Crystal Delmo.

Oh, okay, got it.

Got it.

All right.

Vegan, I should have heard that.

So I'm the only one who believes that to be an inaccurate percentage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm just saying that because I don't want to get in trouble wanting a home button because I can't do any housework.

I was listening to Tell him, Dave.

I turned off the nerdist for a second

to listen to Telemstein Dave.

The dial.

There's a radio with one dial.

One side says nerdists.

The other says telesteam Dave.

Nerdist is doing a commercial for March Guts.

Let me tune over.

See if you're doing another one for some fucking shitheel corporation.

And the final baudy, barren fact of the night.

You ready to have your B spot hit?

43% of women consider it cheating when their husband fantasizes about someone else

during

her time.

Well, I would say 100% of the guys who admit to that are fucking idiots.

Because why would you ever say that?

Well, no, they're asking them in a hypothetical.

If you found out your husband was thinking of someone else's mother's mother's men, they're asking women.

They're not asking men.

Yeah, they're not saying you're.

Yeah, you don't have to admit anything

for the hypothetical question.

They polled 100 women.

43% of them say they consider it cheating when their husband fantasizes about someone else

during their time together.

And

what if that's 100% of the time that I'm doing it?

Does that percentage go up?

Is that cheating?

No.

No.

I wouldn't.

It's a form of, possibly, right?

A form of?

See,

like, if I found that out,

like,

my girl, whoever that is, is standing up.

Fantasize and think about

it.

Say, Q.

Q, I would like.

Q, I could get behind.

That's because I'm in the closet with you.

Fabio?

Fabio.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Am I at the fucking retirement home where everybody fucks?

How old is this person?

Fabio's a little bit like dated, I'd say.

Like, I don't know who the new part of it is.

I saw Menudo.

Okay.

You stumble.

You went back further.

So a bunch of old Puerto Ricans.

She's like, I I fantasized I was getting gangbanged by Minuto.

How about a Joey Fatone too?

I like Fatone though, too.

Yeah.

Oh, the guy, George Clooney.

George Clooney, all right.

Yeah, yeah.

Then

I would cheat on her.

Oh, you're saying you would consider it cheating then if she's admitted to you in a moment of clarity and truthfulness.

She was like, I want to tell you something.

I feel a little guilty, but I fantasized just before when we were in that corner.

I injected her with a truth serum.

And I have to tell you, I thought about George Clooney, and that's why I had such a powerful orgasm.

Oh, so she's rubbing it.

It's not enough that she's

she got what she wanted.

No, that one.

That one wasn't you.

What?

Any of this time I was thinking about you?

No.

No.

No, that's not what was happening.

George Clooney.

I'm like still on top of her looking in her eyes.

She's like, oh, George.

Oh, George Clooney.

All right, I get it.

I fucking get it.

No, I actually go into it assuming that that's happening every time.

Pretty much every time.

Yeah.

That or a completely blank slate of a mind.

Wow.

Would you consider it cheating?

Well, if you think about someone else or something else to slow it down, I would think that would be along the same lines.

Have you thought of someone else to slow it down?

Martha Ray?

Who?

Post-wheelcha.

There are some old fucking golden age Hollywood names being pulled out.

Jackie Koogen, Martha Ray.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

You know, I could cough without having a

life-threatening situation, get him.

Without having the paddles on standby.

All right, well, that's it.

The Baron's going away.

Until

who knows when?

What do you think?

You think that's cheating?

You find that.

I would not be happy to hear that, though, if I was to hear that you're fantasizing about other people.

I'm too insecure.

My self-esteem is too low.

It's like, if you're going to do it, just do it.

I don't want to fucking hear it.

Don't tell me about it.

Somebody asked me an interesting question in a poll today.

And then these fucking idiots read it on a podcast that wasn't the nerdist, and they all laughed about it.

If it happens, and I'm sure it has, I think you should have the

wherewithal to not reveal it.

It's not asking a lot, to not reveal anything.

So, don't ask, don't tell?

Yeah, definitely.

A don't ask, don't tell policy would be the way to go, I would think.

Just nothing good could come from revealing such information.

All right.

Well, did it work?

Yeah, I'm in a good mood.

And anybody ready to

do it every day.

If we could just do this every day,

my life would be so much better.

Fuller.

We'll get there.

Won't we?

I don't think so.

We'll ever get there.

No, you don't want to do a day.

Four days a week.

I'll talk about no other jobs.

Yeah, that would be fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be fun.

Maybe one day.

When we're in our 80s at the retirement community, if he has enough time to pull himself away from all the 80-year-olds.

Yeah, Q's tagging all sorts of tales.

I don't know about that.

Are you there?

Get him.

Oh, he ain't living to 80.

What are you telling me?

Are you kidding me?

He might not even live to lose a 75 pounds.

Tell him, Steve David.

You're afraid to say

what do you see when you look up?

Is there someone staring through the black and blue?

Is it the Mona Lisa or a glass of spilled milk?

Nothing's broken, that's just how it's built.

Give me a sign,

Throw up your hand.

Are you waving hello

or saying goodnight?

Just wanna get this right.

You're afraid to say

what do you see inside your head?

Is it all all just floating sheets inspider well

And who's the one that fills you up with fear

But did it just look that way when you got here

And you'd be fine if you'll come inside

But God's busy

God's colours are the other

Give me a sign.

Throw up your hair.

All you say is hell no.

Go away and good night.

I just wanna get this right.

I just wanna get this right.

I just wanna get this right.

And I'm afraid to say

what exactly am I giving up.

And it asks this question for more time.

And I'll ask these powers racing so wide

until the stars are all held up with the good light.

Give me a sign.

Throw up your hands.

All you say is hello.

Oh, waving good night.

I just wanna get this right.

I I just wanna get this right

I just wanna get this right

I just have to get it right

I just wanna get this right

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