#360: Happy Hamburger

You don't deserve to you don't deserve the joy and the goodwill towards men that that is in those.

I don't.

I hate the music.

I don't like the people.

I don't want to fucking turn around and be like, Merry Christmas.

They don't want to pay for your your

birth control.

I need them to pay for my abortions, god damn it.

I didn't need to open up a Christmas present tonight.

I wish I did, but I mean, I found out.

Nobody told us that we were opening Christmas gifts a lot yesterday.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell'em Steve Dave.

Well, Christmas is just around the corner, and you know what I read?

That Christmas music depresses employees of

retail stores.

Yeah, that could make sense.

I can't stand it.

You don't like Christmas music.

I went to the fanciest store in the mall the other day, JC's.

For millionaires only.

Yeah.

And

you don't like Christmas music.

It was playing.

No, I can't stand it.

My mother used to play it all the time, even in the summer.

Yeah.

So it fucking drives me insane.

I can't stand it.

Oh, wow.

But yeah, it said it depresses.

Do you like Christmas music?

I'd like about 80% of it.

Yeah.

There's some songs that are just unbearable for me to listen to, and I'll turn them off.

But there's certainly.

What's some unbearable ones?

Probably that wham song.

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart.

Yeah, that's Step Into Christmas.

I always drove me fucking nuts.

That's the Elton John one, right?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't recognize that one.

Step into Christmas.

I like the classics.

I like the Andy Williams.

Yeah.

I like

Bing Crosby.

Bing Crosby.

You hear the sound of smacks in the background.

I like that one that's all

no lyrics.

And then you hear the horse at the end.

Oh, okay.

But the classic version.

Right, okay.

You're doing it.

Like, I don't want to hear it if it's by the way.

You don't want to Taylor Swift's.

No, no.

I understand why they do it because

it's a cash cow Christmas.

Well, there have come.

I mean, there are some classic modern Christmas songs, wouldn't you say?

You know what I love is

modern?

Anything.

That's why I was trying to nail this down.

Anything from the 90s on.

90s.

Hmm.

Well, Santa Claus.

Well, that

Christian Santa Claus Come to Town was before that.

That was before 90.

Now, what about the

Whitney Houston?

No, Mariah Carey.

Isn't there one that everybody likes to do?

She's got a Mariah Carey.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Right.

Yeah, that's got to get in there.

I will

grant that.

Right, that could be.

I'll grandfather that one in.

Of course, Tom Petty's Christmas All Over Again.

He had a whole Christmas album?

No, no, he just did that song.

Do you Trans-Siberian Orchestra?

Yeah.

Do you lose a little respect for the artist who puts out a full Christmas album?

No.

No?

No.

Why?

How have I mentioned Fatona's coming out with a Christmas album this year?

Oh, there's an insane Christmas album, is there?

Oh, for sure.

You don't think that it's.

There's got it.

If there doesn't, then

they're fucking out of their minds if they didn't do that.

That it's not.

kind of disingenuous.

You know, they really don't.

It's just done solely for the money.

Yeah, that's the part I respect.

That's where they win me over.

Walt, is your ringtone this Mariah Carey song?

All I Way for Christmas is You?

Oh, it's not my ringtone.

No?

No.

I said

I respect that song.

I don't like it, but I respect it.

It could be deemed a classic.

It's the best-selling holiday ringtone in the United States.

The album has sold 5.5 million copies as of December 2015.

That's crazy.

The album has sold 15 million copies worldwide and is the best-selling Christmas album of all time.

But that I don't like, though.

Who should have been?

That should have been like, like I said, Andy Williams.

She tours on that shit.

She has a whole Christmas concert tour.

Do you know how many people are Googling Andy Williams right now?

Like 95% of the audience.

Yeah, I know, I know, but that's because, you know, our audience isn't as cool as a bunch of people.

Sluts and hoes and fox.

Here you go.

Here's the list of best-selling Christmas albums in the United States.

All time.

This is all time.

I mean, the Sinatra Christmas album I'll listen to.

Elvis Christmas album I love listening to.

That's classics.

So that's

Phil Spector, even though they took his name off of it in later years.

What did he ever do?

He has probably the greatest Christmas album of all time.

Who's Phil Spector?

He's the record producer that killed his wife.

Oh, he's a murderer.

Yeah.

He's in jail, like.

Oh, okay.

And they took his name off the album?

Yeah, it was originally called Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift for You, and now it's called Something Else a Christmas Gift for You, but the same.

So

they just changed the name thinking that would be enough.

They just didn't ban the album.

Well, the album was out for like 30 years before he got.

Yeah, but

you can't change the name off of it.

He didn't sing on it, he just produced it.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

I see what you're saying.

Yeah.

Hold on, let me look it up.

It is.

It's a good album, though.

Well, I'll tell you the song's on.

You'll know everyone.

Who sung it then?

It's different artists.

It's like old

here.

Was it Motown?

Was that his

deal?

Yeah, The Ronettes, Frosty and the Snowman.

You know that one.

The Crystal, Santa Claus is Come to Town.

I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, the famous Marshmallow World by Darlene Love.

I don't know that one.

You definitely do.

Hold on.

I have this.

Marshmallow World.

You want to know the top 10, Walt?

Yeah.

What's number 10?

Number 10 is Merry Christmas, Johnny Mathis,

5.2 million.

Number nine, a Christmas album, Barbara Streisand, 5.2 million

3 million.

Babs yourself.

These are special times, Celine Dion.

I heard from an industry insider.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I'm not going to say that.

No, why?

Because I only have one industry insider.

I don't want to say it.

Celine Dion.

Dirt?

A little bit of dirt on Celine Dion.

Let's not go with her on Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mariah Carey.

Number six, Noel.

Bye.

Come on.

The man, Josh Grobin.

Oh, boy.

A Fresh Air Christmas by Mannheim Steamroller.

Number four, Mannheim Steamroller Christmas.

Really?

Who is that?

I haven't even heard of it.

Mannheim Steamroller.

A neoclassical New Age band founded by Chip Davis that is known primarily for for its fresh air series of albums, which bend classical music with elements of New Age and rock.

Who is that?

What is that?

It's called Mannheim Steamroller.

Is that like daft punk?

I think it's like dubstep.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what.

Mannheim Steamroller.

Okay.

Try that.

If I was you, I would go for the Christmas gift to you from Phil Spector.

Yeah.

You'll know every single song on it, it, I feel.

All right, well, here's what's number one.

Hold on, we're playing a little bit of Mannheim Steamroller here.

This is awesome.

It's rough.

Hold on, let's get into the song.

Oh, yeah.

Now you're rocking, baby.

It's a little Prague.

What about Christmas and Hollis Q, right?

Christmas and Hollis, classic.

There you go.

Wait, that's all on that one album?

Christmas and Hollis wouldn't be on that album.

No, no, no.

I'm just talking about Christmas shit in general.

Okay, so then you have number

such a high seller, though.

Who's in there?

28 million albums.

A lot of people because they're fucking number four and five.

That's real.

I've never heard that

on the classical radio stations

that play Christmas music.

Matt King Cole is number three with the Christmas song.

King.

Kenny G, number two with Miracles, the holiday album.

Number one, Q?

Christmas Good for You?

Elvis Christmas album.

All right, that makes sense.

The Real King.

How many albums sold?

10 million.

You know, it's crime that's not one of the Tell him Steve Dave Christmas albums made

that list.

I think Bandcamp isn't reporting the actual numbers.

I think that's.

And that's why this year, Bandcamp ain't getting the Christmas album.

They're not going to fudge our numbers anymore.

We would have made that list if not for Bandcamp.

Suddenly, Mannheim Steamroller is like, who are these young upstarts?

I mean, here he's 50 years young.

That's right, Q.

The 2017 Tell Him Steve Dave Christmas album will only be available exclusively on one site this year.

Oh, yeah.

This is exciting.

Yeah.

Because this year

we don't have to share any of the money with Bandcamp.

Right.

Or Joe Cratchit.

That's right.

Last year we shared it with Joe Cratchit.

But no, it's exciting because there's a lot of firsts this year.

First year that Brian Johnson and BQ took the producer role

in the Christmas episode, and it's a Space Monkeys production.

Yeah, I don't think they're going to be disappointed as long as they keep in mind that it's a Space Monkeys production.

Yeah.

And if they don't mind sitting there for five hours, because it's pretty long.

Oh, it's a long one.

It's a long one.

You're getting your money, it's worth it.

We'll do an informal Twitter poll right now.

See if it's too long.

Five hours?

Yeah.

Well,

five hours is long.

I mean, who's got five hours to?

Are you sure there's that much gold that you can't whittle it down into a manageable three?

No way.

Three?

Yeah.

Like, just take the best of the best.

I did.

And it's that it's that I haven't made a single cut.

It's all the best of the best.

I think that's a bit that's a lot to ask somebody.

And then how do you download such a long file?

I don't know.

It's easy.

It'll be an MP3.

It'll be like, it'll be nothing.

It'll be easy for is anything ever easy when it's when tell them Steve Dave's trying to move it.

Look,

I hope it'll be easy.

I mean, at this point, I mean, I listen to most of them.

I've got to figure out on average you've been with us for at least five years at this point.

If they don't know that there's bound to be problems in every single endeavor,

December 21st,

I guess so, December 20th at midnight when the clock 12:01 a.m.

12:01 a.m.

On the 21st.

On the 21st, Walt will text you.

I think it came out great.

I think it came out, I was happy with the way it came out.

I think it would be disingenuous to sand off the rough edges.

I like keeping the rough edges in it.

Oh, I agree.

I believe that people are going to be very excited because

it's definitely a fresh

take on Christmas from all of us.

Let's not lie, though, it's a bit darker than

because it's a Space Monkeys.

It's a bit darker in

its

Christmas joy.

Set up execution.

So if you like

a bit dark black humor.

Yeah, there's a little bit.

That's pretty accurate.

This might be the Christmas pod for you

because.

And if you're not into it, it's only five hours long.

Yeah,

soldier through.

For every Tom Steve Dave listener in a five-hour episode, there's got to be at least something in there that will make you realize how much Christmas means to you.

Yeah,

if you like sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, there's something for everyone in there, I feel.

But you've got to be excited, though.

I mean, this may be the new Christmas tradition of moving forward.

Well, let's see how this one's received.

Like, you guys now own Christmas.

Yeah, look, Space Monkeys own it.

Own it and pwn it.

Because, like,

I mean, the Telum City Dave audience may be like, that's the way Christmas should have always been.

Right.

Fuck those stupid games.

And, like, this is real.

I don't know.

I'm pretty sure they're going to say it.

This is raw.

This is pretty raw.

This is like the punk rock of Christmas pods.

Yeah.

It's the Gigi Allen

of Christmas Pods.

We're basically

flinging shit at you.

We're flinging shit, shooting heroin.

It's pretty rock and roll.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to like it, though.

A number of special guests.

A number of special guests.

I mean, we don't know what the exact runtime will be, but it's going to be over three hours at least.

Hopefully not much more than that.

Well, we recorded for the first time, and then another two and a half episodes.

You got to be liberal.

You got to be like

you can't keep keep all your babies.

You got to be able to kill some of them in this instance.

Yeah, I remember somebody telling my mother that.

I think I had an older brother at one point.

Somehow I made it through.

It was Edgar.

He's like, you got to kill your babies, Pim.

She's like, but he's turning 50.

So for at least three hours, possibly four.

Possibly five.

Possibly five, depending on if Brian gets ready to go.

How many babies we kill?

Can we name it that?

Killing babies, the 2017 Christmas pod.

What's the price tag, Q?

Is it a dollar an hour?

Put it on them.

$4.99 for five hours of pure Christmas bliss.

I just

learned a podcast about raising the price, but I think we just keep it where it is.

$4.99.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep it where it is.

Five hours, possibly four, hopefully three, of pure Christmas bliss for the low, low price of $4.99.

Right.

Available only at tellhamstevedave.com.

Don't go looking for Bandcamp for it this year.

Or should we have have a backup?

I don't know what to do here.

Should we offer it at both areas?

Why should we shut off one

avenue stream of revenue where most people think to find it?

I don't know what to do here.

I've said in the past, a Christmas tradition I like is going to Bandcamp and seeing it as the number one spot.

I'd rather have them buy it at our place, though.

I know.

There's something about seeing it there.

Do you think they'll post it for us anyway?

Well, how much?

Like, look, we cut you out of the loop.

Band camp.

What, 10?

Yeah.

So is it worth 10% to you to see it in the number one spot?

No.

I'll just go look at last year.

I don't know.

Well,

we're going to send out one of those emails, one of those midnight emails to alert her.

An email blast?

An email blast

with a link to where to go get it.

I'm not sure yet.

I sharply assume you put that in there, right?

I don't know.

What should we do?

Bandcamp or no band camp?

I would say no band camp.

Why would we give a bunch of

sorry, bandcamp?

You're done.

You're out.

It's over for you.

You got too greedy.

Yeah.

What can we negotiate down to 5%?

If they would take 5%, I'd say go to Bandcamp, but they don't do any of the work.

All right, Bandcamp.

We don't pay everybody that's on the pod.

It's not like we just fucking hoard everything.

All right.

So Telamstee Dave exclusive.

Yeah.

You can only be had there, and it will bring your, if you're feeling down this Christmas, if you don't have a place to go,

plenty of people to look down on and pity.

Yeah, this is like why people watch hoarders so they don't feel like

they're as fucked up as everybody else.

This will make you go, like.

Right.

Except like on hoarders, they try to treat them with a modicum of respect.

Exactly.

That doesn't happen on this.

Yeah.

And there's going to be.

I mean, look, you know,

whoever's going to buy it's going to buy it.

You know what I mean?

Well, I mean, I think.

But it does have a lot of things that are going to.

There's like some show moments that are going to resonate into next year from it.

Who's that big Bud Ray producer uh old like a legend sunheim um you know he was a writer right producer who's it's two guys foster

yeah fossey i thought he was a dancer i'll just tell you like because now i mean like there's now

there's more there's room on the legend lineup now for producers because

2017 Space Monkey Save Christmas produced by the legendary Space Monkeys will go down.

Chewing Bruce.

This is what makes people excited because this is a totally different take on Christmas.

And

your fan base.

It's a big question, Mark, as if we even pulled it off.

It's like, yeah, it's a lot going on.

There is a lot going on.

A lot of moving parts.

The ambition

has to be applauded.

You would think that, like, if you just listened to it and you didn't know this, you would be like, these guys have the energy of college students.

The passion of

college students, like going out there and trying to make the world a better place, right?

Like, there's no way these guys are over like 22.

Want to hear a clip of it

to whet people's appetites a little bit?

A little clip from the 2017 Space Monkey Save Christmas?

I think it's a great idea.

The truth.

I know you put up a Christmas tree, though.

I didn't put up a Christmas tree.

You had a Christmas tree in your house.

That's false or true.

That's true.

And you didn't take it down?

Who did you expect to leave presents under that tree?

Parents.

Wait, you.

Wait, when was the tree put up?

When we put up the tree, it was probably about, I don't know, a couple days beforehand.

No.

I mean, how old were you?

I'm an adult.

You were an adult when you put it up.

That's what I was.

What are you asking?

I never put up the tree.

Oh, my God.

You just asked me.

When you were a child.

We never had a tree in the house.

Why not?

When the fuck did you have the tree?

When did you have the tree?

How old were you?

40.

So you put it up then.

No.

How about

it's like going home on Christmas to tell them Steve Dave Town?

Anybody who buys it, it's like going home and coming to our house and sitting with us at the poker table and sharing a slice slice of turkey, roasting a marshmallow.

No shrimp.

No shrimp.

And honestly,

not everybody survives.

That's true.

There are a few deaths.

There are some occupancies in Telm Steve Dave Town.

There's some apartments that

are for rent come January.

Not everybody makes it through.

Finally, something I want to talk about: underpants.

Guys, girls, little kids, I don't give a fuck.

I love underpants.

If they're meundies.

Every year, millions of people receive the least liked gift of all time, underwear.

I feel like being served with a divorce would be less desirable, but

maybe not.

I don't know.

We still give it to our family and our loved ones who just don't want it.

But maybe it's not the underwear that's the problem.

It's the kind of underwear.

You can't be giving somebody fruital looms from fucking big lots or wherever the fuck you buy them.

They're coarse, they're rough, they chafe.

You want your mom having a chafe butthole because you're underpants?

Let me tell you something about Miundis.

They have a soft, flexible waistband.

They're three times softer than cotton, natural, sustainably sourced fiber.

Who doesn't love that?

You tell a little kid, hey, check this shit out.

You thought underpants sucked, but it has all this.

They're going to be super excited.

Miundi's made underwear, the perfect gift that everyone is going to love you for.

Finally, someone is going to love you.

This year, don't give underwear, give meundis, because it's a goddamn holiday miracle.

This holiday season to get your exclusive 20% off the softest underwear and socks you will ever feel.

I understand they have bralettes too now.

Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Go to meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

But speaking of Christmas, I thought since we were right on the heels of it, you don't want to hear about these retail workers who hate their lives.

Yeah, because Christmas music.

Oh, Oh, right.

Do you play Christmas music?

We only started talking about it 20 minutes ago.

Do you play Christmas music here, Walt?

Yesterday was Saturday, and for the entire seven hours, we played Christmas music.

Wow, that must have been amazing and magical.

One quarter of American retail workers say their holiday spirit is dying because they're forced to listen to Christmas music all day, with some saying it's damaging their emotional well-being.

Soft.

They are soft.

That's the new American.

I'd hear half a song and be like, I quit.

Feeling less festive is a specific mental reaction to listening to Christmas music and rebelling against it.

A bunch of rebels out there.

There's always a rebel out there.

There's always got to be a rebel.

Right.

There always has to be some squeaky wheel, right?

You always got to fight the cause.

Why not just like, I mean, isn't it funny like people expect to

take a job and have that job just cater 100% to them?

Especially in the, like, if you're a retail worker, it's the one time a year that you're like.

It's your fucking super.

You got to know it's going to happen.

Speaking of that, I went to, I had to stop by Michaels today over in the middle of the day.

Oh, my God.

I was there too.

What the fuck?

The line is at the goddamn door.

Michaels, get some more fucking cashiers or teachers.

You cashiers you have no way.

I didn't even get through the fucking atrium.

I try to go no fucking way.

And some old lady saw it, and she turned around with me.

I waited in the line, and I was amazed at how quickly the line moved.

They have enough people there.

The line is long, but they moved it through.

Dude, I thought there was a roller coaster at the end of this fucking line.

So many people were in line.

It was nuts.

They're fucking bullshit.

You know, that's the stuff that a lot of kids want this year.

But Amazon delivers that shit.

You don't have to wait on a single line.

You know what?

That's what I did.

What I needed, I just went on Amazon.

And I was like, fuck it.

Isn't that part of

the Christmas tree?

Look at the minutes of my life tick away as I stand in between sandwich between this asshole and that asshole.

You turn around.

You turn around, you talk to that stranger behind you.

I never did that one.

Merry Christmas.

No.

I saw him doing it.

It was amazing.

It was amazing.

Suddenly, the workers didn't want to kill themselves anymore.

You're out of the road, man.

If you want to do it, go ahead and do it.

Like, you looked at him.

Like, by the way, if you see me on a line, turn around to me and say Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

Or anything.

Anything.

Yeah.

Unless you're on the front of the line, you want to cut me in.

Yeah,

that line was...

When I saw it,

it had to be like 40 people deep.

I'm telling you, I had no choice.

I had to wait.

And I was...

Your wife's like, you're not going anywhere.

She's like, I'm going to the other store.

You wait in this line.

Nothing back.

I was like, okay.

Got to go to the bathroom first.

She's like, what do you think?

Just do it in your pants.

But it moved very briskly.

I have to applaud Michael's.

They had every register rolling, and it was like a machine.

Don't be threatened by the line.

How long did it take?

From the end till...

Because maybe it was shorter than that.

Ten minutes?

No.

Ten minutes.

I know your time is precious.

It is precious.

I don't mind just wasting my life standing on fucking lines for shit I hardly want.

Why wouldn't I do it on Amazon?

No, I don't.

Why wouldn't I?

I know you don't.

I know.

Michael has to realize that you're a busy man and you don't have 10 years.

Everyone's busy.

It's the busiest time of the year, and these buckups can't fucking get it right.

It's like Hobby Lobby is across the highway.

It's closed on Sundays because they're religious freaks.

So everyone is going to fucking come over here.

You're the only arts and crafts store in the area.

So fucking brace yourself.

Be prepared.

Every register was working.

They got these fucking monkeys in the fucking, like, working registers.

It's like, would you hurry the fuck up?

Is it?

Don't treat it like there's three people in line when there's 30 people in line.

I got my blazer with me.

He poked his head in, looked at the line, was like, fuck it.

That's exactly what happened.

So you don't even know.

Fuck it.

I'm the fucking dumb one here.

The fucking geniuses are the ones online.

Hey.

Like you're coming down and condemning a store for being busy.

No.

They can be as busy as they like.

If every register is being manned, what can they do?

Hire somebody who can work a fucking cash register.

Every register is working now.

You know, while I'm on this fucking topic, unless you are a high-end clothing store,

stop fucking folding clothes when you put them into bags.

Like if you're shopping at Target, throw the fucking clothes in the bag.

Stop folding them as if you're at fucking Barney's or something.

Yes, there are people in line.

They got fucking like 50 shirts and the Target lady's like folding each one and setting it in a bag for shit that they're just going to throw in their higher car anyway.

Get a folder, get a special needs guy or girl to fucking fold that shit.

Give them a fucking job.

You know, it's it's fucking ridiculous, these places that try to just fucking put it in the bag.

Just put it in the fucking bag and let me go.

Just, you need to, you're the type of person.

I'm being held hostage.

Just order online.

You don't deserve to, you don't deserve the joy and the goodwill towards men that is in those shits.

I don't.

I hate the music.

I don't like the people.

I don't want to fucking turn around and go.

Merry Christmas.

Want to talk?

We don't want you there either.

Good.

Good.

Me and your fucking buddies.

And you.

You're not welcome.

Your attitude is shit.

Keep that home.

Going to Michael's.

They're like, no, nothing.

Good.

Amazon will send you that fake fucking tissue paper that says thank you, McCeasons, greetings.

With your package, it with your order.

I would rather have

someone fucking take 10 minutes to wring up a bunch of shit and put it in a bag they're so slow q yeah as a man who values his time yeah and i know you do uh-huh you don't want to stand online you want to be online but you don't want to be online wow nice there you go you got to write that down right still

yeah yeah if i was

if i was amazon i would write i would adopt that yeah be online not not online online then yeah sure would be miserable online that's a good one yeah yeah live your solitary lonely existence.

Hey, I love it.

You can hear the echo of your fucking keyboard

against the walls.

Right.

You know, while me and

real people are connecting.

And the walls are so fucking out of line with each other that it takes longer to actually bounce back to me.

It ricochets around the room.

Yeah, I didn't feel jealous of anyone in that line.

No.

What time were you there?

It was probably around 1 o'clock, 1:30.

I was there around 2.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I had known you were in line, I would have just given you the shit I needed.

I wouldn't.

I'm like, whoa, what's that stain, bro?

Your wife didn't let you go to the bathroom again.

I would have told you.

You could have given me the stuff.

I would have said, okay, I'll.

Everyone's sitting on his lap, like he said.

But I wouldn't have rung it through.

I would have fucking just left it on the side as they called me up.

I'm outside.

I'm like, you got my stuff.

You got my stuff.

I couldn't do it.

It wouldn't have been fair to the fucking 90 people behind me.

You don't deserve to have your stuff rung up by a real man.

I should have fucking shoplifted it.

That's what I should have just stolen it and walked out.

They would have never known.

And they can't stop you, right?

Go ahead.

Go for it.

See you spend a Christmas in the clink.

Just because you don't want to wait in line.

Wait a second.

So I shoplift from Michaels, and over two weeks from now, I'm still in jail.

I'm not jailing now.

Oh, come on, man.

You're my guy.

You're my bondsman.

You're who I go to.

And they have to this fucking

assault on Michaels and Christmas.

Fuck Michaels, man.

Wow.

They took so long.

I would rather go to a homophobic, racist fucking hobby lobby and buy their shit on a Monday than stand in the hospital.

I thought they were like real religious and anti-this and the other.

Yeah, but that's not the average.

Isn't it like West Baptist owners?

That's not the average.

West Baptist owns it or something.

Like registered jockeys isn't going to hold the ideals of the

online community attacking.

I was trying to troll him live.

Nobody would listen to me.

They don't want to pay for your

birth control.

I need them to pay for my abortions, goddammit.

No, you.

There's so many abortions.

Because Hobby Lobby, for religious reasons, does want to pay for the

Chick-fil-A of fucking hobby stores.

Maybe.

But just because

they decide that they don't want to pay for your birth control, they become, all of a sudden, they become a target

for the online community to take pot shots at.

They don't want to to pay for my birth control?

Anybody's.

I was going to say, I'm a guy.

That's not my responsibility.

Right.

Right.

So

why is it Hobby Lobby's responsibility?

To pay for birth control?

Yeah.

Is that their thing?

That's one of the big things, yeah.

They don't want to pay for birth control.

In insurance, they don't want to have that be a part of the to be a part of insurance.

I think that's bullshit.

Just pay for it.

Just pay for it.

Yeah.

Or at it as like a.

There's too many fucking people in this world, man.

What the fuck?

They're like, don't buy it.

I please don't buy a spyrocket.

They're all in live Michaels.

On these fucking unwanted children that should have been aborted.

It's fucking nuts.

There's too many people in the world.

You can't fucking feed everyone.

You can't fucking house everyone.

But like no Hobby Lobby,

don't have abortions.

Don't fucking don't even practice birth control.

Don't practice birth control.

It's birth control.

That's fucking retarded.

I'm sorry, that's retarded.

Why?

I don't give a fuck what it's for.

If you want to pay extra because you're not a religious freak, that's like, hey, I would like to not get pregnant if possible.

Can I at least pay like $5 extra a month for this

for this addition?

No, dude, I don't know how much it is.

Who's fighting for, though?

They want across-the-board birth control.

Who's fighting for this?

But aren't condoms like five bucks?

Well, they don't want you.

I mean, the condoms don't fit.

No, they're talking about like,

look at fucking Mr.

Raincoat over here.

It's not the same.

It's not.

Are you going to argue it?

Yeah, but that's birth control.

But why is it...

But no, no, no.

I don't think they're talking about rubbers.

I think they're talking about pills.

The birth control pills for ladies, right?

Yes.

Which also regulates periods, which makes it better for ladies.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Do we know that for sure?

Yes, we know that for sure.

It's not dangerous.

There's not some form of danger to it.

Who's pointing using it for fucking six years?

Who cares?

Yeah, who cares if it's dangerous?

You can't live your life worrying if everything is dangerous, especially birth control.

That's

that's been around, like you say, since what, the 60s?

Yeah.

I mean, it's a pill.

It's been around 60 years, right?

It's gotta be.

Yeah.

So, so come on, Hobby Lobby.

Unless you're gonna adopt all the kids that are born and take care of them, which no religious people do.

Oh, you can't have an abortion.

You can't practice birth control.

But after the kids are born, who gives a fuck, right?

So you can't buy birth control pills without a prescription, I guess.

Yeah, or get it from Planned Parenthood or something.

Well, you can buy the morning after pill where you fucking nuke the shit out of the kid.

All right, so that's like uh,

yeah, those are expensive, though, aren't they?

But they want they want the they want the corporation to know to pick up the tab for it, though.

And the corporation.

It's the other side who's arguing, you know.

I think both sides of it are ridiculous.

Like, you can't, like, we're going to pay you in benefits, but from those benefits, we're going to preclude birth control pills.

We're going to pay you a paycheck, which

huge.

Well, I'm sure Hubby Lobby is super generous.

It actually is a fair payment.

But if you're paying some better than fair

competitive wage,

I don't know, man.

If they're saying, I'm going to take this money and go buy birth control, then you're paying people to go buy birth control.

But they can't control what you buy, though.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

To me, that's as ridiculous as

making a big deal about the birth control and the

beliefs are so strong that they don't want to have a hand in the

prevention of a child, not even an abortion, the prevention.

People don't necessarily want to get pregnant, but they want to bang.

Not everyone's Tim Tevo.

So why not just offer it to them and be like, hey, we'll observe our own religious shit.

We can't.

But what's wrong with just respecting?

I'll bet you.

You know what?

I'll bet you.

Respecting this corporation.

Everybody

can do it if they want.

Fuck a corporation.

I got to respect them now.

I go, oh, these are their beliefs.

As if it's a person.

So what you're saying is you want the the government to be able to tell a business what they have to offer people.

I didn't say that.

But that's what you said.

No, I think that's what Hobby Lobby should take a step back and be like, you know what?

These are our beliefs.

These may not necessarily be their beliefs.

Like, what if you're not fucking Christian?

Then what?

Yeah, but.

What if you're a horny Muslim?

But you're forcing them to offer something that they don't want to offer.

Right.

It happens all the time.

They're forcing this baker guy to bake a gay person.

I don't think they should bake a gay wedding cake.

I don't think the government should force anybody to do anything.

They force us to do shit every single day.

The other side of the argument is, though, if they don't force them to do certain things, though,

then

a lot of people will be discriminated against, though.

Sure.

Yeah, how can you say, like, oh, well, affirmative action, but not birth control?

To me, both of them are.

If there was a baker

and I heard that they weren't fucking making cakes for gays, I wouldn't go in there.

And if there was a baker who wouldn't serve black people, I wouldn't go in there.

Right.

But there are people that would.

Right, but then why shouldn't...

To me, I'm like,

let the market settle out.

If a guy wants to open a fucking pizzeria in Red Bank where he's like, no black people are out, let him.

I think there is one or two.

Right.

Nobody's going to go.

They're going to go out of business.

That's against the law, though.

Right.

Only because a law was made.

I don't know that.

look i'm i don't know man because i understand why and i don't i definitely don't want people discriminated against but i don't like the government telling us anything even if the government is saving you money in tax dollars how by not having all these fucking kids that then have to be on the system

i don't think that that's a cause and effect i don't think that's happening maybe you think that's happening The hobby lobby people are having kids.

They don't want

them up for a tax.

If there was a Venn diagram of hobby Lobby babies and fucking my tax things, I'd be interested to see it.

I don't think that they'd really overcross them.

To me,

I don't know, man.

I don't find.

But

what about Walmart and censorship?

Like, Walmart doesn't allow certain CDs and whatever.

That's fine with Tyson.

The person's allowed to decide what they sell and don't sell.

I'm fine with it.

I don't like.

Can they offer the Walmart version without the cussing?

My point is

that everybody be able to do what they want to do and let the fucking market settle it it out.

It's unrealistic, though.

That's not going to happen.

Why?

Because it's not going to happen.

The government is already too big.

Would you go any place that fucking had a sign out front that said no blacks?

Aside from your house?

Right.

Well, that's Staten Island.

That's just that.

No, like, would you go anywhere?

No, no, that's not.

Of course not.

Oh, my God.

But there's not a chance

that that would ever happen.

But there's a good chance, though, that

discrimination could happen if certain laws aren't in effect.

Which ones?

Just hi like

being hired,

jobs or interviews, anything.

But

why

would I want to work for someone who doesn't want to work?

Who doesn't want to work?

Like Brian said, though, like enrollment, certain enrollment for colleges have to be a certain

percentage, and just to make it fair for

because

so there's no chance of discrimination.

So Whitey doesn't just take over.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think what I'd rather see is just a blind admission process.

Really fucking level playing field.

Instead of this asshole's dad, he knows this person, and here's my son's thing, and getting them in, and that's a fucking problem.

Shout out to the fire department.

Yeah, that shit.

I broke that system.

Shout out to my Irish friends.

But it would be nice, but we know that there's no such thing that could ever exist, a truly blind

admission.

So

you think that that makes it impossible to do it.

Laws in effect enforce and

help

make it so that people can't treat people or

not

include people where they probably, if they weren't forced to, they wouldn't include them.

Yeah, but if there was a school that was like, if there was a college that was like,

we're not, if there was a college today that was like whites only.

Right.

Well, they wouldn't wouldn't say that, though.

It would just be a very

play out.

I mean, that's a good idea.

They would never say that.

But if you would look at it and be like,

this is a fucking whites only college.

It's a third rank university.

Yeah, like not only, not only would no, would I fucking not apply to that school, but if I owned a business looking to hire people and I saw that came out a white-only university, I'd be like, what?

I'm not hiring you.

Okay, so if you went there, you were going to enroll, right?

To white-only university.

Well, no, no.

They're not proclaiming that.

But going to be.

But

would you realize that it was?

Like, how would you, how?

The reputation would proceed.

Okay.

Like, I heard of this place.

But, like, let's say they're like, how quickly would you pick up on there?

Like, hey, wait a second, I don't see, I see everybody who looks like me here.

How long, like, you would pick up on that immediately?

I think so, yeah.

Well, I grew up in New York City where I'm used to a bigger mix.

Like, if I don't.

A melting pot.

Yes.

So if I was in a situation where I looked around, I was like, but uh, is this just all white people here?

Like, didn't that happen?

I don't know.

I hope I noticed, don't you think?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm not saying speaking for you.

I'm not saying, I don't know.

I mean, how long, how quickly would I pick up a million dollars?

He might think he's on a Joker's cruise.

I think, like you said, slippery slope.

If Hobby Laby doesn't want to pay for it, I think that's fine.

They shouldn't be forced to pay for it.

But within the health insurance plan that they offer, have a rider, an addendum, whatever, that says, if you want birth control, you have to pay for it.

It's X amount of extra dollars.

But they're saying they don't want to do that.

I know they're saying they don't want to do that.

They've taken a lot of lumps for their stance.

Have they either hurt their business?

I think a lot of people have said that they,

I think it's both sides.

Some people who are like, well, I'm going to support Hobby Lobby because they at least

come out and say what their beliefs are, and they're trying to stand by their beliefs.

But on the other side, there's people like, I will never support Hobby Lobby for anything.

To me, that's the way it should be.

And then if it sinks, then it deserves to sink.

And if it stays afloat, then it deserves to stay afloat.

You know what?

I don't care what your religious beliefs are.

Whoever has the fucking shorter line, that's where I'm going.

Now that's where I'm at.

Do you know why I had to go?

That's Amazon.

Do you know why I was in that fucking long line and why I couldn't get out?

Because your wife forced you.

No, because I.

You're like, he's 0.1% black.

Keep him out.

I was like, come on, guys.

I'll just go one-on-one.

Because I needed to get a wrapping paper.

Because

I had to wrap your guys' gifts.

Like, oh, all right.

Segue.

Nice.

Segue.

Very nice.

I wanted to do, I got some gifts for you guys for Christmas, and I wanted to do an unboxing-esque video because these are super hot.

Okay.

These videos where people unbox things gets going to go viral.

It seems.

Yeah, but what do people do?

Like, it can't just be people opening the gift.

Don't they have to get excited?

You guys are going to be.

Yeah.

It's going to be like

if you want us to fake excitement?

You're not going to have to fake it.

If you're not legitimately excited by this, then you don't have a pulse.

Okay.

This is one of the

this should be the gift of all gifts you've ever received in your life, I think.

Wow.

What's the best gift you ever gotten?

Best gift I ever gotten.

On Christmas.

Like what's the top?

I know you said it was Nintendo when you were like eight years old.

I always go back to that, Nintendo.

Well, I didn't want to do it, but I'm going to have to upsurp your aunt.

Wow.

And she's going to have to go down to number two.

I hope so.

Just call her in the middle of the night.

Go number two.

Early in the morning.

I was going to do it on my camera.

You're going to do it too?

Yeah.

So, like, you've heard about these unboxing videos, right?

They're a phenomenon.

I didn't know they were a phenomenon.

I mean, people sit around.

They are.

Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

Like, the amount of views are crazy.

So, we're going to put the video on tellhamstevedave.com.

And It should be up there now.

Hope to replicate.

I'm hoping to get the same kind of amount of hits that some of these people get.

It's outrageous.

Yeah, but I mean, what do people?

I feel people in those videos flip out and scream and like do bad things.

Yeah, we gotta do some shit.

We gotta do it.

No, I don't know.

I don't think you need to fabricate.

If I just open the box and I'm like, oh, this is cool, man.

Thanks.

I still think it's the

act of someone watching somebody open something somehow

has mesmerized the country.

And I wanted to see if

we want to get a little bit of that action.

Right.

Yeah, why aren't we getting a taste of that action?

Look at this.

Like unboxing video.

How many views?

2.4 million.

I thought unboxing, though, is like when somebody gets a new iPhone, they unbox it to show you what the product is.

I didn't know it was like gifts.

That's why I've got.

Yeah, they do that.

I guess it doesn't matter.

Right, but once it's more like a technical

research thing.

You're saying, though, there are videos of people opening gifts and being like, oh my God, this is amazing.

That I don't know if there's gifts.

I just thought it was anything in a box.

Hopefully there isn't, right?

Because any unboxing videos that I've heard of were always like, the new iPhone coming out.

What does it look like?

And the guy's like, here we go.

We got the new iPhone.

Oh, so you're telling me that people who are watching it even know what's going to be in the box and they're still watching it?

Yeah, they do.

What the fuck?

They already know what it is then.

Yeah, but they're showing products.

Yeah, they're showing some study of the product.

You can go into a store and get that, though.

Go see what the product is.

Or if you want to fucking stand online for a half hour.

Read reviews of things before.

It's similar to that.

So you're saying we may not get the

2.4?

We may not get the 2.4.

Maybe we can get the.

Well, I mean, they don't know what it is.

Why would we watch this?

I don't know.

I still think there's something ingrained in the middle.

So we'll start our own thing.

Yeah.

All right.

So who, well, Brian, you want to go first?

So you can just sit there.

Sure.

You can videotape it.

I'll let you know.

Okay.

Well, how are you going to video it?

But then you won't be in it.

Yeah, you won't be in it.

Okay, you don't need to see me.

It's all about

getting away on the faces of

friends.

A man who doesn't have long to live.

All right.

I like this.

And Bri, this gift I'm giving you, this is from me and BQ, the gift we're giving you.

This is for me and Brian.

Oh, okay.

It's a dual gift.

Oh, wow.

And it's for your birthday on Christmas.

Oh, okay.

It may be for a couple Christmases.

So

maybe Aunt Q may have a chance to, you know, if you, in a couple years when the glow wears off, this gift, you know, she gets you something

back.

All right, she can upsert for it.

Probably not.

You, oh, she's not even alive anymore?

No, she is, but I don't think she buys me gifts anymore.

I think I'm just too old.

All right.

And this is this

unfortunately is not a traditional box either.

Yeah, it's kind of an unwrapping video more than an unboxing video.

All right, Q, here we are.

Look at this.

This fucking idiot sat online for how long?

Just so I could tear this off?

Alright, what do we got here?

What's up?

Do I want to turn it around?

I feel like I want to turn it around, right?

You want to see your faces.

This is all about.

I guess then face it to me if you see it.

Pace it to you?

This is

for your

new joint.

Okay.

Alright.

So first I look at it.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

That is pretty amazing.

Oh, that is great.

Did you paint this?

I had it put on canvas, but this is a page.

Turn around.

Yeah, I know.

No,

this is my favorite image from Cryptozoic, man.

That's crazy, man.

I put it on canvas.

Is this where I go nuts?

Yeah.

Through a backflip.

Oh, backflip?

I'd fucking kill myself.

Oh, that is great.

That's pretty awesome.

I thought that would look great in the crooked house.

Yeah, you got to get a real nice frame.

I should hang it in Sage's room, right?

You got to get a real nice frame.

Let's see everybody to see it.

So, yeah, that was this is like a black, distressed wood, like fancy-ass, like, haunted mansion-looking frame.

That would look great,

and that's wait.

So, this isn't painted, it's printed on canvas, printed on canvas.

I found a place to do it, and I thought it would be, I was like, what could I put on canvas?

And I had the perfect picture.

Wow, huh, pretty fucking sweet.

I love it.

Yeah, it's Walter.

Here's really good Christmas gifts.

I'm not even kidding around.

This is nothing.

Cool.

Wow.

Compared to yours, Kim.

I would say you go over where people are going to love the video of you fucking filming the fucking

bookcases behind you.

Oh, all right.

Hold on.

All right.

All right, Brian.

Do you want to film then?

Sure.

Now that you've got your gift?

Yeah, thank you, man.

That is fucking crazy.

Awesome.

Thanks, buddy.

All right.

Okay, Q, open.

Don't open them yet.

Let Brian get a good glow

money shot of it.

Let me get a money shot of the item.

NQ.

Alright, go on now.

Okay, Q, open your eyes.

Whoa, holy shit.

Backflip time, baby.

Yeah, you ain't kidding.

Be careful.

Don't fuck it up.

He's crazy.

Huh?

Yeah, holy God.

That was made by

a big-time listener, Joseph Radisko, I think his last name is.

He's done some other work for us.

We got him to...

Oh, man, 3D printed

print it out.

That is unbelievable.

Damn, man, that looks great.

He did an amazing close-up of this guy.

You can't pick it up by anything other than the

two ends.

Otherwise,

it's too fragile and something will break off.

But I thought that would look great in your office.

Little tell him, Steve, Dave.

On the tank.

Bolt size, yeah.

Wow.

So, when can they buy their miniature four-color demon guys

at Merch Table?

We couldn't reproduce this.

Because it's the detail.

Yeah.

We couldn't have him printing out 3D versions of this.

No, not when we have, not when we're sitting on a thousand skulls.

If you want this, you better buy those fucking skulls.

Oh, man.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks, man.

Wow.

All right.

That's some Christmas, huh?

Q.

That was pretty cool.

So, what do you think?

Does Aunt Q

is she in a position?

to be?

Said to me.

Oh, dead to me.

What did she give you again?

Oh, the original NES system.

So, yeah, it's tough to compare the excitement of a child with

the surrender of an older man.

No, but that's pretty.

I mean, that's unique.

That's one of a kind.

It's gorgeous.

Yeah.

I think it's pretty.

I think it'll look awesome wherever you go.

Yeah, I already know where to put it.

You got a good spot for it.

Thanks, guys.

No problem.

He would have gotten me one, but it would have slid right off the fucking table onto the floor.

You a crooked house he was.

Thanks, guys.

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Any other Christmas content?

Any other topics about Christmas?

What are you doing for Christmas?

I'm going to my brother-in-law's.

Going to your brother-in-law's.

He lives around here, right?

He lives, yeah, he lives a little bit south of me.

Nothing, nothing,

nothing all that spectacular.

Very warm and intimate Christmas.

What about you?

I was going to say, is that a way of saying I'm not invited?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, after the debacle of Thanksgiving, did the Johnsons attempt another holiday day together?

Will we?

Yes.

I mean, we have for the past couple decades, even though fucking people get in fights every year, yeah.

So will the Thanksgiving Day

homes be forgotten by then?

Well, like, won't even be even resurface.

I mean, my mother probably forgot them like minutes after I left.

You're goldfish?

Yeah, pretty much.

Dory.

I'll bring Sage over, but

I don't really like it.

It'll probably be the same thing, pretty much.

You know, same shit.

I don't like from the 25th until the 1st.

Once it's the 2nd, then I'm like, all right, now we can...

Everything's back on track.

I just don't like the holidays.

I don't like them.

Yeah.

Like Halloween.

Halloween's the best one, obviously.

Thanksgiving is all right.

I didn't like Christmas for a good like 12 years of my life, and then I just.

Now you like it again?

I think it went away with a lot of

unhappiness in my life.

It was just another contrast to

my mental state versus the world.

But now I get into it.

I like it.

So you showed up all Grinchy and shit, and people are like, oh, I'm glad he's here.

Sometimes I didn't show up.

I would wear Christmases.

On purpose?

Yeah.

I would, you know, the fly house because it it was always fun hanging out with the guys.

Yeah.

I like to go to movies on Christmas because not a lot of people are there if you go early.

There's hardly anyone there.

I like that too.

I used to do that a lot.

But this year, I don't know.

I always just go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, and I usually spend Christmas alone.

Stop by the flyhouse for a little bit, eat a meal with them, and then spend the rest of the night playing video games and just chilling out.

I enjoy scowling from my window.

Yeah.

A lot of people walk by.

Like, there he is.

He's unhappy.

A lot of people forget about the antidote.

There are real important messages, though, like goodwill towards men.

There's a man.

Yeah, Mike and Ming remember that, definitely.

Yeah.

These are

I was just wondering if you were timing it.

Yeah, I am.

We're 55 minutes.

Okay.

Yeah, I think that people should be that way all year round.

Yeah, you're right.

They should be.

But I think

sometimes we need a reminder and we need to be a little bit extra confident.

Yeah, I like how holidays remind people of that.

Aren't there anything wrong with getting into that?

Being like, it is a special time of year.

Like, why not buy into it?

Yeah, if you can't, if you could just muster it up for this month, because you know that, you know, because you know, January's coming, and everybody's going to forget about it, and you probably will too.

But for this month,

why not just get into it and show your fellow man

how much

you love standing in lines and and turning around to talk to strangers.

No, it is a choice.

Like,

even people who are like, and I used to be one of these people who are like, fuck Christmas.

I don't give a shit.

These people are morons.

That's as much a choice as being like, I love it.

Like, let's get into it.

And it's as not unique a choice as buying into it.

So many people are like, fuck it.

I don't care about Christmas.

Like, you're not, like, you're not.

You're not cooler than everybody who can be.

Well, I mean, you're talking, I mean, Muslims and Jews are like.

Well, the holidays, yeah.

Jews are like, what are you talking about?

They got on again, man.

Right.

Christmas, I thought you were about.

Tell me the holidays.

We could say Christmas, but I'm really mean the whole holiday season.

Right.

Yeah.

And I think it's also, you got to, I mean, for guys, maybe not you, Q, you're still a pup.

You're going to be crying.

How many more

Christmases do we have with all our faculty?

In general.

And like we're really still healthy, and

there's really nothing

uh no impending doom

you know

looking over our shoulder

how many so how many

how many healthy christmases do we have you never know man like of course not it could i could die on the way home tonight so it could be zero or it could fucking god forbid could be 15.

You gotta really get to remember that, though, because there's going to be a time, and I know it's going to happen.

You're going to be like, man, I really wish I had

recognized how

crazy it has to be.

God's like, you better recognize how wonderful this time of the year can be.

And

you take it for granted because

there's nothing physically wrong with us right now.

But

how many more of those seasons have we got left in us?

I thought 10 years ago it was zero, but

we're not dealing with something major or

you know, everybody around us is relatively,

you know, in good shape.

Exactly.

So, why do you want to waste time in a line at Michael's?

For you guys.

Don't fucking put it on me.

For you guys.

I had to do it.

Like, where, I mean, why don't you just send get him out on lunch?

Or go to CVS or any other number of places that sell Christmas wrap.

I was at Sears today.

It's a ghost town.

Yeah.

Yeah, they have it for sure.

This was special Michaels paper, and I felt that I had to.

That's true.

And it is pretty, it's pretty cute paper.

It's nice.

Yeah, I don't know.

People are like, oh, it's so much better when you have kids, though.

Like, even if you don't enjoy it, it is pretty good of a kid.

I mean, I can't deny that.

You and us know that, too.

I don't.

I don't know that.

No.

Doesn't she just get excited?

She gets excited, she gets shit, and then she doesn't play with the shit.

She goes back to the same stuff that she likes.

You know?

New stuff getting littlest pet shop shit getting tossed up.

Yeah, I mean, my kids are, my kids, the excitement levels are totally, you know, it's not

it's kind of like you guys opening these presents, you know, they're not little kids anymore where they're they're you know, they're not like bouncing off the walls and you're not like jacked up.

They're not getting up at like six in the morning.

Oh, yeah, they still do, but there's a but those days, I mean, you know, those days were awesome, though, where like, you know, like Santa was coming.

Right.

And that fear of like, you know, I'm not sleeping yet, like that panic of like, I got to get to sleep.

I got to get to sleep, you know.

My neighbor said she reported that to the cops when I left the window shade up.

She's like, it looks like Santa's coming.

Yeah, just so you can't.

There's an elf in there with them.

Oh, my God.

Quickly get here.

Merry Christmas, Steve Dave.

Oh, thank you.

No ads, right?

No, we can't.

I'll have to put them in later.

I'll probably have to put them in later.

Oh, come on.

How about that's a gift to the listeners?

Right.

Ad-free Christmas.

Right.

And they, and then in return,

they give us a gift by going to tellmstevedave.com and getting the Space Monkey Save Christmas episode.

I thought you were going to say knock our unboxing video up to 2.4 million books.

If you could do both, that'd be cool.

I mean,

there's got to be a bot program out there that can do it, right?

There has to be.

Have you ever seen these farms where they have like

cell phones that are rating apps and shit?

Like, some apps will hire these farms in Asia that will just give them five-star reviews.

It's like there's like a wall of fucking phones, cell phones that are doing it automatically somehow.

No, no, no, no, not like a farm with cows and shit.

We could get something like that, where it's just like they're dialing up views and shit, right?

So we can be popular.

Yeah.

We could become YouTube sensations.

Do we want to be YouTube Sensations?

Why not?

I don't know.

It's a big paycheck with that, though.

Yeah.

So you're a TV sensation, so you don't need it.

I am.

We're not.

You're not not TV.

We're still young.

We're still green.

Nothing.

I know.

They're real jerks.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do next year about

the ads and stuff like that.

I mean, what do you guys want?

Like, what's your idea of being a podcast sensation?

Oh, that train's passed.

If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.

Loyal audience, but I mean,

there's podcasts that laugh with laugh at our numbers.

Oh, I'm sure, but who cares about them?

I do.

You'd rather have the big numbers?

Oh, I'd rather have the big numbers.

Not me.

I'd rather have like a Flanning and Christmas.

It's intimate.

People are all on the same page.

Not a bunch of fucking mouthy jerks that are like, hey, man, he fucking said this and I don't like it.

Or like, hey, man, like, why don't you guys talk about this?

Or don't talk about Hobby Bobby or whatever.

Like, then you start answering to people.

I've been doing that for fucking the last five years or so.

I'm not the front line.

That means I can become a sensation.

I'll fucking answer a couple more people.

Yeah, I mean, I've been answering and kowtowing my views for the last five years, and I still, and with no hint of any kind of sensation, though, to pay

for paying that.

Oh, and you're saying shit like, women shouldn't be allowed to breastfeed in public.

Oh, you're telling me what I

shouldn't say.

No, I'm saying that won't get you to be a sensation.

You have to.

What would?

Who the fuck knows?

You see the dopey shit that becomes a sensation.

I think it would have been if we got like upper echelon guests and stuff.

I know.

You would have thought, like, at this point, Q would be enough, but.

Oh, he's enough.

He's a big.

Not enough to make us sensationalist.

I know, no.

No.

I mean, it's not.

I mean, that would be a Christmas miracle.

Is it possible that it's on me and you?

Oh, yeah.

But that's what I'm saying.

It's 100% on us.

What is your bar of sensation?

Like, what are you guys looking for?

Hits.

We want to be viral.

Time, views.

Time, life, top 10.

But what does that bring you?

Does that bring me?

Yeah.

Recognition.

So you want recognition?

Yeah.

You better recognize.

And how many people?

When's that enough?

The world.

You need the world.

You want to dominate the world world?

The pod world?

Why?

It wouldn't mean anything.

It would be no different.

It's better.

It would mean a hell of a lot more.

We wouldn't be sitting on a fucking thousands of skulls.

We would definitely need to.

So that's not recognition.

You're talking about sales.

That's different.

Well, there's a data.

It's it goes hand in hand, doesn't it?

If we could just sell all these skulls, skulls, then I'd consider myself a sensation.

I don't know.

Yeah, I guess.

But

I mean, I think if it was, if it isn't, I mean, look, I'm not saying, look, we have a, and I'm very thankful, especially this time of year, for the loyal, rabid fan base we have, but

I think it's shrinking.

Just like anything, I think, I think the bubble burst on Tell him Steve Dave a couple years ago, and now our audience is shrinking.

It's just diminishing returns now?

Yeah, but I like the ones that have left.

Me too.

Yeah.

I like the hardcore.

Okay.

I like them too.

But I don't think I would, but I would never turn my nose up at what, like if somebody had the secret, here's the keys to having a podcast that would dominate the podcast world.

I thought we were going to do it when we got that iTunes award back in the day.

Yeah, I mean, we started with

boasting.

We kicked it off with a bang.

Yeah.

And

the world I thought was

the oyster, but it turned out to be a stinky clam.

Well, maybe you had an idea that was right.

Maybe the time has come to

shut down Tell him, Steve Dave, and start something else.

The laughs.

No, the exact same thing with different fucking

different name.

Or yeah, maybe you've had that idea several times over the years.

Like, you know, reboot.

I thought you got death threats.

A reboot.

A bit of a one person.

Death threat.

Not Death Threats.

One person was pretty irate.

Most downloaded shows.

I'll give you the top five.

Yeah, I'd like to hear it.

Fresh Air, Rogan, who is a really good show.

Stuffy Should Know podcast, Dave Ramsey, and The Daily, which is in New York, too.

Yeah, but they provide something.

Most of those are like,

you learn something from listening to those.

Except for Rogan.

Well, he has guests that generally will be informative.

All the rest are.

You're right.

Ted Radio Hour.

Planet Money.

Get them.

Yeah, get them.

All all every once in a while

which you think would shoot it up to the middle Sunday Jeff

if you can't snag listeners with a charismatic fireball like Sunday Jeff

I mean how it will never be sensations

it just it just defies logic though that

one guy who's on TV you can't turn the TV on without without without seeing his face and two other guys who are on TV if you blink you miss them but still they're on TV.

Sometimes if you don't blink, you miss them.

And it's crazy, though, that like

we never did anything.

We never

made a specific.

We kind of, you can't do what we do, which is like,

it's always up to our whims to do, do we want, you know what I mean?

Like, you can't peg what the show is.

Like, sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that, sometimes it's that.

I bet you all these shows have like a solid format that when you tune in, you know what you're getting.

This is what I'm listening to.

We don't think after this many years,

our listeners know exactly what they're getting every week.

Yeah, but you're talking about growth.

And I think that people look at all our episodes and they're like, well, where the fuck do I start?

Yeah, like,

where do I start?

I've said that for years.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, your idea of a reboot might not be.

2018, maybe.

We tried it.

We tried it

10 minutes in.

We haven't tried it legitimately, going full board, like 100% in, name change.

Final episode of Tell them Steve Dave, and then a new episode, then start a new, take like two weeks off to start the appetite getting wet, and then start something new.

With a hard, strict format.

That's a good idea.

Hardly anyone is starting new podcasts these days, so we should definitely get in on the ground floor.

I know you're reluctant to do it, but I mean, I don't know.

I just don't see it.

So it's a new format?

So we're talking about like investing or no, I mean, there's only certain things we can talk about, but I think we talk about

the shit that we could talk about, we talk about week after week.

Otherwise, we don't know.

I don't know.

None of us have any specialized skills.

None of us are experts in anything.

No, no, not really.

Nothing we're willing to talk about anyway.

I think it is a head scratcher.

And I've always thought, I'm like, why are we so niche considering that it's three people on TV?

Yeah, but

look at the TV shows we're talking about.

Don't diminish your, you are on 24-7.

Yeah, but even, but it's not the biggest show in the world.

It has a lot it's like IJ is a lot like this show in that like the audience isn't huge, but but the audience is loyal and they identify with the show.

And if you don't identify with the practical jokers, then maybe the humor isn't enough to carry it.

You know what I mean?

I think that's a lot like our show.

It's like I think people identify with us or identify with one of us or

a point of view and they come for that.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm not saying like, I mean,

it would would be risky because you could alienate the hardcore

listener base that we have, that we have.

You want Fitzmann turning his back on you?

I don't want that.

I think once you start chasing that, then

it becomes this joy.

It becomes work.

Very rarely is Tom Steve Dave felt like work to me.

If you're driving all the way back and forth and you still don't feel like that's work, that's good.

Yeah.

That's good.

But

it never ceases to amaze me.

Yeah.

Your commitment to driving down here all the time, it never ceases to amaze me.

And I've said, like, hey, we'll meet you halfway.

You want to meet somewhere at a diner or something, so you don't have to, you know, but you're like,

I'm not afraid of the store.

I like coming here and sitting around the table and bullshitting, you know?

All right.

I mean, I'm just saying that, like, it is, I don't know.

You've never thought of that.

Can you people please buy those skulls?

Can you just fucking buy the skulls?

Not at all.

I mean, like I said, I'm very, it's a very happy Christmas because, like I said, I don't know if this will be, I don't know how many more I got left in me, so I'm not going going to worry about some unsold skulls.

I'm not going to let it ruin my Christmas like I let it ruin my Thanksgiving

or any number of holidays that came before Christmas.

But, you know, hopefully, you know, hopefully there's that one thing that's going to click in 2018 that's going to propel us

into that, you know, that stratosphere that these other podcasts live in, the air that they breathe.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

No.

You can give me hope, can't you?

Because I don't want to see you let down.

because I don't think it's imperative.

I don't think that it

well, it's always, I mean, you wouldn't have the same feeling if it was IJ, though.

You'd want as many people on the planet watching it as possible, right?

You would always want that, yeah, but for different

reasons.

I don't know that IJ is as personal as Telem Steve Dave is.

Oh, I would say not.

So, okay, and you make good arguments, but

put it this way: I do Telm Steve do it for free.

Like, we've started making money, you know what I mean, off it here and there, but really, it's like

would I do it for free?

Yes, I really do do it for free between all the times.

So, it's like some people might say you lose money, don't you?

Yeah, some might.

And if True is like, hey,

good news, we're going to give you season eight, but we're not going to pay you, but we're going to let you guys make the show,

I would be like, well, I mean, it's been a good run.

You know, guys, thanks.

Thanks for it all.

Well, you know, I like to to hear, but you know, it does, that's almost like

a Christmas present to me, though, that you say you don't want.

You're happy.

You're content with tell them, Steve, Dave, just the way it is, Bri.

Content with it the way it is now?

Yeah,

you're just with the lesson base, the numbers, the

everything.

It couldn't be better

for you.

No, it couldn't be better.

It unfolded organically, and it unfolded without trying to chase any one demographic.

And it's exactly what I want to do week after week, which is a good fit for me.

I didn't need to open up a Christmas present tonight.

I wish I did, but I mean, I found out that.

Well, nobody told us that we were robbing Christmas gifts a lot today.

Like three weeks before Christmas.

This is awesome.

That's a nice Christmas present.

I mean, God bless us all.

I don't even have to fucking stand in line to do it.

Merry Christmas, everybody at home.

Yes.

And to my dear friends, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Little P.S., Walt, about

these skulls.

I have a story from a girl who bought one.

She was wearing her kissing skull shirt.

She bought a skull.

She gave him the money.

And she had two Bloody Marys

on the cruise.

A girl, Melissa, she forgot she was holding them, dumped one on her own head, and she tried to save her hat.

The other one,

the other one, landed on her as well.

Are you having a stroke?

Are you trying to read sentences that aren't there?

This girl is basically saying that the kissing skull did not work.

Did not work for her.

It's a cursed skull.

Why would it work?

She gave it money.

Oh, she gave it $5?

Well, did she give the actual skull $5?

Here it is.

She gave it $1.

I mean, is it null and void?

She shouldn't have to.

I didn't never gave it any money.

We supplied the money, in the shredded money,

with the package, so you never give it any more money.

So, where did she go wrong, this Melissa?

You got to send $5 into the skull of the store.

And then you won't get a Bloody Mary dumped on your own head.

Right.

This is the cursed magical object.

Here.

That's just to remind you.

Like how Jewish people wear the yarmulke.

Right.

The little skull is to remind you to fucking.

As far as I know, yeah.

I mean,

unless it has magical powers that I'm aware of, but it is 3D printed, so I don't know because I don't know.

There's essence a skull in it, yeah, unpacked by children.

Merry Christmas.

I'm mine confusion, trip out illusion.

We got these demons in our head, we got to lose them.

Fight for what we do now, and I gonna get in somehow.

But we stand right here, no, we ain't gon' drop.

And don't just run away from that feeling you stay from.

I know I won't.

And look out on a great ride of things that you might find.

Take you away,

no.

Just let your mind go, oh, oh,

no,

no.

Just let your mind go, oh, oh,

no.

Situation, why go and waste them?

We got these problems in our head, we got to face them.

My melody's so bright, gonna make you feel alright.

So we're sitting right here, no, we ain't gon' drop.

I hopped on a plane to escape from this life you chose me to do, no, oh.

And now I'm in a place where I'm living in no fear.

This life that I'm going through, Lord.

Just let your mind go, oh,

no,

no,

just let your mind go, oh, oh,

no,

no,

oh.

Just let your heart go.

Just let your heart run through.

No,

just let your mind go.

No,

no,

just let your mind go.

No,

no,

just let your mind go,

just let your mind go,

just let your mind go.

Just let your mind go, oh, oh,

no,

no.

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