#357: Kenan and Q

Fool me once, Shane one of you.

Fool me twice.

Fool me twice.

I got a fucking Dyfus investigation going on now.

We're only, we, I don't know,

fucking disappointed.

I'm really disappointed.

I am flummicked.

I'm kind of like

nobody, I don't know any ants that are going to cut a baby out of a womb for a while.

No fucking way, right?

Which is a good thing.

That's a lot of responsibility.

Tell him Steve Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tellum Steve Dave with Walt and with BQ.

Hello.

I missed you guys.

Missed you guys.

I don't like it when we don't do it on a weekly basis.

I was sick last week.

I know.

I had to deal with it because I really wanted to congratulate you on this MSG endeavor.

It was pretty impressive to see a Tellum Steve Dave t-shirt on the Jumbotron.

Can't comment on it until I find out what Walton is.

Well, let me tell you something.

There is no feeling like watching your friends in front of 13,000-plus people on the stage at Madison Square Garden and hear one of you say something

that I know, not just me, but a couple other people.

Like, I wonder what Walt thought about that.

That's the fucking world we live in, which is nuts, I think.

Yeah.

Well,

before I talk about the evening, I want to preface preface it with how

congratulations and how happy I was.

Let me get the formalities over with.

I mean,

you should be so damn.

You should be swollen with pride.

Yeah, you know me, though.

You should be so.

There's only one thing swollen.

I mean,

what was?

You really, really should.

It's that kind of stuff that got you in trouble.

You know, really allow yourself to

enjoy

the pinnacle, I would think, so far of

this ride, right?

I mean, that's got to be.

You should have enjoyed it up to this point because you're about to not enjoy it at all.

Right?

No, no, no.

I'm just saying, this is like this is big.

I think we're only the ninth comedy act to sell out Madison Square Garden in the history of Madison Square Garden.

That's pretty big.

It's pretty big.

You deserve all the kudos, all you guys.

Now, saying all that, though.

Yes.

Why the fuck are why do you, why do you need to, like, you know, I would come up anyway, Woe, so why on earth would you tell me a fallacy that

you're a family act now?

But

I said one curse the entire show.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I most certainly did.

I did not, Brian.

I feel like you said more than your one F word.

You did not.

You're crazy.

I have the show recorded.

Okay, go back and watch it, though.

I did not say

that.

The entire time I was on that stage, the only thing I was thinking about was not cursing the entire time.

So much so that you had the presence of mind to mention Walt's name, which I thought was pretty impressive.

Sal cursed.

Cursed?

I mean, more than cursed.

Graphic descriptions of sex acts.

Like Standing 69.

What's not?

All I ask before is like, you ask me, you want to come?

And I'm like, yeah, I want to go.

What was offensive?

What about that opening act?

That fucking statement.

Not Jiggy.

Not Jiggy, but Colin.

Oh.

I know you, and I don't want to hold you to lose words.

I didn't even know Colin was opening for us.

But if you're going to, but if you're going to sit there and found out just then, did you?

Yeah, pretty much.

If you're going to tell me that if you're going to sit here and go, like, hey, you should just come up yourself, right?

I'm cool with that.

But you're going to sit here and then weeks after week to be like, it's a family act.

We took your what you said and we implemented it it because we know we're a family act.

Sure, okay, I can see that.

But you know what?

You know what?

It's fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, fool me twice.

I got a fucking Dyfus investigation going on now.

So I took my kid up there.

What the fuck?

I didn't even hear his act.

I don't know what you're referring to.

There were some jokes about standing 69s.

No fisting curves or anything, but I think there was a fisting reference.

Yeah, Colin is not, he's not the SNL, Colin.

Oh, I would have thought that he'd be the the SNL

merry political newsman.

All right, well, I think that.

But

you sit here today and you still maintain that you think

what you put on is a family-friendly actor.

What about Arach was not?

People definitely.

Penises.

You're talking about.

At what point?

You're talking about

taking Viagra's.

You're talking about.

I mean.

But if you're going to sit here, like.

But can't she see a commercial, though?

Like, she could see a commercial.

First of all, I said Cialis.

I didn't even say Viagra.

But you could see a Cialis.

She could see a Cialis commercial on the show.

Yeah, but yeah, but you don't have Sal going around

talking about the state of your member.

But he never did that.

He did.

He did.

Well, look, I can't.

Look, Sal said something

that I apologize to you in front of Madison Square.

I'm shocked by this.

I'm fucking really taken aback.

You're full of because I remember smiling.

You were smiling that night.

I asked you that night because you were giggling.

You appeared happy while you were up there.

And you were giggling and trying to suppress a laugh.

And I said, are you just fucking with me and your act is just the same act as it was before?

That is not true.

I don't, I don't know.

Let me tell you what, I just saw this same behavior at dinner

half hour ago.

But hold on one second.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm fucking stunned right now.

Like, what?

Like a Seattle reference?

With no mention.

When I think of family-friendly, we just have different, I think we just have different

opinions on what's family-friendly.

No, you're no cute because Walt and his daughter also have different opinions.

But it wasn't, but

I wasn't like, and then I popped a sialis and my dick got hard.

I literally said the word sialis.

And what was the follow-up to

what Sal said to you about it?

I don't even remember what Sal said to me about it.

Sal doesn't normally have a joke there.

Yeah, he got pretty graphic with that when I apologized to?

I think that was

a good idea.

He doesn't normally say that.

And when he did say it, I did apologize.

I stopped the show to apologize to you.

Like in Madison's Grandma.

Okay, now I'm not the only one, though.

Okay.

I'm not the only one because you texted me immediately and you thought the show was certainly not fantastic.

Which part?

There were several, like the one curse each rule definitely.

Oh, yeah, that was out there.

Well, I said to you, I said, I'll hold it to one curse.

I maintain that you broke that rule.

There is no

way I broke that rule.

Okay, so what do you constitute as a curse?

Dude, I said.

Is F the only curse?

Is anything under an F not a curse to you at this point in your life?

I did not say anything.

I said talks once.

I didn't say shit.

I didn't say anything.

At one point, I normally say shit like three times.

I said the word turd.

I said turd three times on stage.

You did speak for the other jokers, though, and you said that

it was a family-friendly act, and you might be safe.

Well,

I specifically said if they're excited to be on stage in Madison Square Garden and saw dropping bombs, there's nothing I can do about that.

Why did you say that?

I said it on this show.

That was on the air, you said that?

That was on the air.

You remember that caveat?

100% I said that.

The person I was with looked at me repeatedly and was like, that's what I think about this.

What parts?

Any part that was like.

I can't remember specifics.

I do remember the Cialis thing, and I do

mention Cialis.

We talked about something over dinner, too.

What was it?

It was.

God damn it.

In the moment, I was like, I should just write this all down.

I mean, I will get

the references.

I'm like, I won't remember.

How about this?

I will get the audio from the show.

Okay.

And I'll give it to you.

And if you could listen through it.

Oh, my God.

I could sit there and pull out at least double figures

of moments where I'm like, this is not family-friendly.

But you're not giving me any examples.

It would be like 10 minutes if it was family-friendly, probably.

I don't.

Oh, someone's shaking their head over there.

You agree, huh?

It was definitely dirtier than he was.

I don't think that I ever said, like,

I mean, I'm not like Disney family friendly, where it's like, fucking.

You came in repeatedly over the course of a couple months prior to the show.

Like, we've changed it.

Didn't you change?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

I'm thinking about the other kids that are in that order.

The tickets say 16 or up.

Okay.

Okay.

So to me, I was like, well, it's definitely like teenager friendly, family friendly.

I'm still stunned that there's anything.

I can't think of a fucking single thing.

If you give me the audio, I'll go through it.

All right.

It's going to take me a few.

It only takes me a few months.

I'm not going to argue, man, because I want to learn.

No, you don't have to learn.

I want to learn.

Don't change it.

You're selling out Mass of Square Garden.

You don't need to change anything.

I kept it clean.

I said one fuck word.

I didn't curse again.

I did not.

I did not.

You didn't curse.

I'm telling you, I did.

I did curse.

You definitely said more than one, F.

Yes, you did.

Fucking bet $100 that I didn't.

Oh, you're going to lose that bet then.

That's fine.

You said what?

Another curse besides F?

Guaranteed.

I'll take that bet right now.

I'll take it.

Okay, then who's got the audio?

Who's got the audio?

I'll give Brian the audio.

Who's got the audio?

I want the audio.

Tour man.

I'll give it to you.

Okay.

I'll give it to you.

I don't want no doctoring shit going on.

You think I doctorate?

No.

I mean, I got 50 bucks out of that.

No, I'll bet both of you.

Oh, my God.

I'll bet both of you.

He's got IJ money.

100 bucks.

You didn't say two curses?

Didn't say two curses.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you definitely did.

I think you were flying high.

You were on

adrenaline and shit.

Not at all.

Not at all.

I just don't know.

You're going to be.

This is what I see coming.

You guys bending over backwards to make something I said that's not a curse a curse.

No.

That's what I anticipate happening.

I won't even have to bend over to

attach my knee to find a

distances.

There will be no flexing going on.

All right.

I'll happily give you my.

I just feel that we have different opinions on what's family friendly.

All right, well, let me ask you something this.

Let's look at this positively.

Is it more family-friendly than the last?

There's no sex in it all.

What are you talking about?

There's not a medical.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

The word boner was never even said.

I joke about having a sialis addiction.

Yeah.

You're talking about addiction.

You're talking about

goodness.

You're talking about, and you're opening.

I know you can't.

I had to cover Alicia's ears when you were talking about addiction.

But

if you're going to make a conscious effort to move towards a family-friendly zone,

then you have to like

the fucking opening acts or anything.

Well, that I agree with.

That I agree with.

I'm not arguing with you there.

I agree with you 100%.

I think Jake was solidly, like, maybe not family-friendly, but on a level of like, maybe teenagers couldn't identify with it.

I'll tell you what, Colin was just, Colin, this is what I think cut loose.

Is normally we sit down with opening acts and say, you can't go.

You know, we told Dom Area.

We were like, please keep it down.

You know what I mean?

So I think that what probably happened is nobody had that talk with Colin, or people are like, Colin's.

They just assume.

Even though at Radio City, he was talking about fists and dwarves and shit.

I guess.

I mean, I do apologize for that, man.

I didn't see that.

And you're right.

And that won't happen again.

Nah.

Colin's fired.

You change.

I'd like to fire him right now.

Don't change a thing.

Your success is.

I'm disappointed.

Dude, I'm legit disappointed right now.

How so?

So is Walt.

Because I didn't see it.

Dude, I know I didn't curse.

I know I didn't curse.

I know it.

I was watching every word, every joke that came my way.

I pre-thought how I had to change it before I said it.

I was aware the whole time.

Why would you have to change it?

I thought you guys were working towards the current story.

No, but you think the word shit is a curse, so I don't know.

Well, it's not a curse.

I'm saying it on TV.

Sure, you can say shit on TV.

On network between prime time, you can say the word shit now.

I believe you can.

Do you say it on

the channel too?

I don't know if we say it on IJ.

Yeah, you don't know, because you don't say it on IJ.

I don't know that we don't say it on IJ.

I've got to be honest with you.

It was pretty disgraceful.

But your daughter did not agree, though.

She thought that you, because you were all out of sorts, and she's like, what's wrong?

Why are you out of sorts?

What's wrong, Dad?

And you're like, He promised.

I just felt like you fucking set me up.

You're like, I did not.

Because I thought you were giggling about it the week prior.

And I'm like, Why are you giggling?

Are you just doing this as some sort of gag?

I am telling you right now,

I'm thinking over the material of the whole show, and I don't know what you're talking about.

I think you guys throw out more curses than you realize in the moment.

I don't.

Not that night.

The other guys might have, but we're only,

I don't know.

It doesn't fucking disappoint.

I'm really disappointed.

I am flummicked.

I'm kind of like, because I'm thinking over the show.

I'm like, what sex stuff is there in the show?

That's not helpful.

Text it to me.

I don't think you can come over to anything either.

Look at those.

I mean, you know what?

Again, it takes nothing away from the amazing.

It takes everything away.

No, not at all.

The accomplishment is not tarnished in any way.

It's still

an amazing achievement, and you should be, like I said, swollen with pride.

And,

you know, how

something that, like you said, not even 10 acts have been able to do.

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

Now I'm just thinking of the show over my head.

Let it go.

I can't remember a single file.

I'm going to go next week when I have all the curses.

All right, I'll get the audio on the show for you.

But again,

all kidding aside,

again, no,

great.

And

all

congratulations to you and the other jokers.

Thank you.

Fucking jokers.

All right.

That is not what I expected.

Really?

You thought you were going to get a hero's welcome?

Well, here, this is coming in saying nothing is blatant, but it's referenced.

Murray's stories.

Murray talks about about a girl sleeping up his house and he's not there.com yeah shit on the foot is that okay

uh i knew going in that there was he had mentioned there was uh there was feces humor slight scatological well i mean feces humor you see murray eating the you'll never drop that from the end of the audience

too good yeah

we we kind of look at it like our uh like our encore right like we gotta

if one person in that audience hasn't seen it it must be shown i agree like i this time i couldn't watch it for real, even though, yeah, even though I know it's coming up, there's something, yeah, something about eating dog shit that turns me off.

I don't disagree.

All right, all right, wow.

Uh, what do we got?

We have, uh, do we care that Charles Manson died?

Yeah, yeah, died of natural causes yesterday, yeah, 83 years old, yeah, early this morning.

I think it was like around one o'clock yesterday.

Apparently, he was sick for a while, and they never, they never, I mean, you're acting like Elvis died.

No name, Matt's going on over there.

I found out I felt the same way he was my Elvis

Manson yeah I'm surprised at that reaction yeah

what she said she was obsessed with

Manson

is my kind of girl

so yeah the the Manson family which was like the biggest

crime of the 60s right 60s into the 70s I'm reading a book now called Easy Riders and Raging Bulls and it's all about the 70s in Hollywood.

And

the book's fucking fascinating.

Like, they have a story there

where they had to, Dennis Hopper was such a maniac, and they had to distract him to get an answer from him.

So they hired

50 hookers and threw him an orgy.

And in the middle of the orgy, pulled them out to ask them the question they had to ask him, got the answer they wanted, and threw them right back in the fucking orgy.

That's how a studio handled Dennis Hopper in the 70s.

Wow.

Could you imagine that today?

Oh, fuck no.

So now,

I mean, I can imagine it, but

apparently, but they touch on what Hollywood was like when that happened.

And it was like

the whole town was covered by this state of paranoia that eventually gave way to people being like, I was supposed to be there that night.

They're like, everybody in Hollywood was supposed to be at that house that night or something.

Oh, it became like I was at Woodstock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could that crime and could a Manson-esque character

be replicated in 2017?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

I think so.

If you're a cult leader,

there's not many good.

Is there any really good cult leaders around anymore?

Any Spengooies?

I think you'd be surprised.

We're going to find out.

Yeah, we have a

Fenghoulie shirt at the end for you.

I saw that.

I really tailored this whole show for you.

Make it for the non-stop erection shit.

All right like i said i guess think we're like i think yeah i guess family

we have different views on family you you're thinking man family he's thinking

i guess so i mean i'm thinking swiss family robinson you're thinking yeah like you said the man family i oh i owe you an apology i'm not afraid to apologize you don't have to apologize like i uh like i said i texted you that night and there's no need for apologies like i said it's just i know now i i know now moving forward right okay what to what to what to expect I know now what your level of perception is.

I'm really disappointed.

This is not

the East Coaster over here.

He's on the East Coast.

He's not in Middle America like us in Jersey.

Charles Manson, I was talking to someone recently and I'm like, oh my God, I would love to start a cult.

And the person was like, what are you talking about?

You have.

And I was like, no, you haven't.

Not really.

I don't know any ants that are going to cut a baby out of a womb for a while.

No fucking way.

Right?

Which is a good thing.

That's a lot of responsibility.

I don't know.

I see somebody.

I see some attention-seeking people on that internet.

They're always looking at you guys for every fucking single thing in their fucking lives.

So they might cut a womb.

You enjoy it.

Hey.

Hey, look at me.

I'll cut a baby out of a womb for you.

If after they do it, they at us?

Well, yeah.

Totally don't.

You don't like attention-seeking, it seems.

No.

No?

Hate it.

What is it that

the guy on a podcast and TV, which is something that you have to battle?

Because they'd be like, you want attention.

Oh, that I want.

Oh, I thought.

Anybody who knows you know.

I'm talking about other people trying to seek attention.

Right.

And just attention over, you know, even attention overall, yeah.

I felt like the

Miss TSD Town Overbite

contest is something that you're not crazy about.

Oh,

I didn't say it last time.

We were together.

I bit my tongue because

I don't want a turd, as BQ would say, on your ID.

Allegedly.

But yeah, I hate that, Ivory.

I hate that.

I hate that whole concept of

a beauty contest and rewarding.

Well, it's not a beauty contest, right?

Sure, it was.

You fucking wanted them in fucking swimsuits, didn't?

No, no, no.

So you said that as a joke.

No, no, only I said that as a joke, and then immediately when you guys didn't call me on it, I said, I'm joking.

I said that to you guys.

Well, I said it.

I was like,

You guys didn't call me on that.

You saw him on the stage of Madison Square, aren't you?

That's how you saw him.

You know, he wants to put a map behind him.

The guy knows that.

No, not a joke.

Not a joke.

Like, I was like,

you were baiting.

I was giving you guys something to jump on.

And then you guys didn't jump on it.

I didn't want to, like I said, I didn't want to jump on it because, I mean, he, you know, it's

got a passion to do this thing, but it's just, that's why I said it.

I'm just talking about the Bikini thing.

In the moment, I said it to give you guys something to jump on me about, and you didn't.

And then right right away I said.

Do you think he's going to jump on it?

Well, you didn't.

He's going to be like, oh, that's.

We've been doing this so long, and I still don't know what you guys are going to fucking jump through.

So I was like,

CJ, you think Brian Johnson's going to shat or turd on.

I think he might turd on me saying it.

I thought you were going to.

Like I said, I was.

So you didn't.

So then I immediately said I was only kidding, guys.

Because it just ate me up.

I said, cancer.

Don't need a bikini.

And then people on Twitter was like.

It's been a keema for weeks.

People on Twitter were like, oh, I don't want to do it in a bikini and I was like I was like I clearly said that was a joke on the show also I don't want anything to do with this so please

leave me alone

yeah I just I'm not I am I just like that's not to me

I don't know it's not entertaining it's not it's not funny it's not it's not funny it's not funny but but what is it so what I don't know what it is you're the one I am you're the one who brought up the overbite thing yeah never want you're the one that brought up I know what I should do people should send pictures into me, and I'll judge them.

Right, except here's here, but by now, I think it's the 21st they have to have them in by, so by the time this comes out, it'll be the 21st and everyone will know.

But there are probably 100 entrants.

Wow.

How are you going to pick the winner?

Here's how I pick the winner.

We don't judge them at all.

Because when you read what people write in the emails,

a lot because I didn't know how to judge.

I didn't want to personally judge them, so I was going to get a panel of judges, but then I'm like, but then what do you judge them on?

but here's the thing:

so many people wrote in with, like,

this is this is huge, like, I'm very insecure about this.

I heard that over and over again about the overbite, about the overbite, but I wanted, I'm gonna do it anyway, fuck it.

Like, I can't believe I'm doing this.

I've never liked my teeth, I've always been called this or that.

So,

what we came up with was it's gonna be completely

me and our internet guy,

and by us, I mean me.

He's going to get a random number generator.

Every contestant has been assigned a number.

It will generate a random number.

That person wins.

It has nothing to do with how severe it is, how cute it is, none of it.

But then why even bother to even do it then?

Because it takes balls to do something like that.

Like, if you're insecure about something and you're like, fuck it, I'm going to do it anyway, that shows a level of

bravery, I think.

Yeah, I agree.

So

why not randomly reward?

person out of it?

Well, one person.

Yeah, but I mean, because they know they all can't be winners.

Right.

Or win the shirt or whatever.

And be crowned.

Okay, I got you.

So one person will win, and it has nothing to do with if you're in a bikini, how severe, how cute, anything.

It has nothing to do with anything other than like

a chance to win.

We'll do something for the guys.

We won't.

Okay.

You know we won't.

At least allow me to make the hollow fucking gesture.

So by the time this comes out, probably we will have a winner.

Do you hate it less?

Why would you not want to?

You're blathering on and on about how they're mocking you.

And I might add that on the stage of Madison Square Garden, Brian Quinn made a very like hurr-hurr joke

about a horse and a horse's teeth and how they compare to those people who have overteeth.

No, I did not at all mention that.

Let's go to the audio.

I have the audio.

You made the hurrr.

Do you want to horses?

Not overbite humans.

Can we retroactively change it to Miss Space Monkeys?

It's a Miss TSD town.

No.

No, it's not Miss TST.

It's Miss Overbite.

Miss Tellhem Steve Dave Town Overbite.

How about Miss Space Monkey Overbite?

Sounds so much cooler.

That'll be Mr.

Space Monkey something or other.

For right now, it's yeah, I'm not going to go check it out, change everything.

Change everything?

What do you got to change?

Now I I got to change the title.

To where?

Where do you change?

What do you do?

All this do you have to do?

What do you have to do?

Say it on air and it becomes it.

No, we tweeted it.

Oh, you tweeted.

Why am I changing it for you?

Because it sucks.

I think it's.

No, it's awesome.

You're just mad because you couldn't fucking enter because it's only open to girls.

Right?

I could have had that.

What, that jersey?

That jersey?

I could have got my, made my own jersey and put a patch on the back of it.

You got all the people that you got to sign it.

I could have got to sign it.

Did you do it?

No.

No, I didn't.

And I did.

And here we are.

Ms.

DST Town Overbite.

And thank you to everyone who entered.

I can't speak for Walt.

You're all winners in my book.

Only one will wear the crown and know that it's completely random.

In fact, I'm going to do it on fucking Periscope.

I'm going to randomly do it on Periscope.

All right.

So that there's no question.

How are you going to do that?

I'll just Periscope it and I'll.

But how do you get a random number generator?

Where's that?

I'm not a fucking internet guy.

I don't mean that.

Why don't you just write the numbers on pieces of paper and throw them in a bowl?

He's going to do that.

He's going to write all those numbers.

You don't think I'll write down one through 100?

No.

I'll do it.

I don't.

I don't.

I'll do it.

I'm going to do it.

Now you'll do it.

But if no one said anything, it wouldn't use it.

Oh, would I have used the fucking easy alternative of a random number generator that somebody's giving to me?

Where's that coming from?

Her internet guy.

I just fucking told you.

He's buying that?

No, it's on the fucking internet.

But you could even go to Sage on Periscope, like give you a number between one and a hundred.

Right.

You don't even have to spend time writing it out.

I guarantee she'll say 14.

She says 14 to everything.

If I'm like.

But that's all right.

But the person who was 14 is random.

That's true.

I don't know who 14 is.

That's what I mean.

So it doesn't matter.

Should I call her right now and ask her for a number?

I mean,

is the contest closed?

Is Miss Space Monkeys?

Yeah, you don't want to pick a winner before it's closed.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

All right.

He's thought this out.

Right.

Well, even though there were going to be all these fucking caveats with like, I don't like it.

Change the name.

What's wrong with changing the name?

What's wrong with rewarding people who are fucking

the same problems?

We're dealing with insecurities and being like, you know, because Space Monkeys isn't the same.

It doesn't include you.

I want you included, motherfucker.

I am.

I mean, he's not being like, I will say this, the contest hasn't been salacious.

He isn't.

The bikini thing is my fault because

only one person sent in a bikini photo.

It was a great one.

But only one person sent in a bikini photo.

Yeah.

And she has no more or less chance of winning than anyone else.

So it's not sexual at all.

Like, he's not exploiting anybody.

He's literally just doing it.

It's like I'm addicted to Cialis because of it.

I even picked the lesser known.

Not even my aggravate, not even the hardcore.

Like, Agra.

Anytime he stands for

a hard V.

The room

or in the area of like, send me pictures of yourselves, girls, it's just pervy.

But headshot.

You're saying a picture of someone's face and their teeth is pervy.

Yeah, and you're out of your fucking mind.

I agree with you, Noku.

Any picture, and you're like, you're requesting pictures.

But for what, though?

So we can see the fucking overbite.

Well, it is.

It is like, for a listener, it's kind of engaging and fun.

I get that.

I mean, a contest is always fun, though.

Depends on the contest.

Until now.

You know what?

That will always be known in my book as Mrs.

Space Monkeys.

Mrs.

Ms.

Space Monkeys Overbite.

Now, who's floundering and doesn't know?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Well, okay.

Officially,

it's known as the Miss TSD Town Overbike Contest in Walt's

Walt's World.

They'll never recognize that title.

Yeah,

it'll be a hollow title.

Like, so she comes in, she's wearing the crown.

You're like, you turn your back on her?

Oh.

Well, he would have done that anybody.

Somebody walking into you with the right.

Is that Miss TSD Town?

No, it's Mike.

Oh, fuck it.

Whatever.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I'm just, you know, if you run a contest like that and you don't know that it's going to, you know, that, you don't know me then if you don't know that's going to be my reaction to a contest that's so

fucking graphic pictures of their faces.

They're like, hey, it took a lot to send in this picture of my face.

And you're like, you're a perv.

What the fuck?

That's crazy.

Hey, well, hey.

You're just like this.

I don't know.

I just feel it's a strange.

It's shady, right?

It is.

No, he doesn't obviously miss.

Come on.

Come on.

I won't stand by and listen to this.

It's not shady.

It's shady.

It's just shady.

It's like, what are you asking pictures of girls to send photos in?

It doesn't make any sense.

And you're like so adamant about, no, no boys.

No boys.

Yeah, no guy.

Because it's Miss TSD Town.

It's not.

It's not very woke of you.

I'll say that.

You guys, woke.

I'm going to, I will immediately, next week, I'm going to think of another contest for the guys.

Okay.

Thereby neutralizing your argument that I'm curving out.

This is the act of a person trying

to spin.

You know, you're like the fact that

I immediately said on Twitter, like, no, a bikini shot is not necessary.

No, no, you're not.

Running

another contest, a second contest,

is pure spin to

try to negate.

What do I do here, Q?

You have a PR person.

What would you say?

I'm in hot water, too.

He's not just sanctimonious cocksuck, right?

I don't know what anything.

What does sanctimonious mean?

The judgey and shit.

You're always judging from on high, which is really the only show that the only reason this show works is because you have id, the ego, and the superego.

And without it.

Okay, I don't.

Okay, these are all like Freudian terms.

Exactly.

Who am I?

I mean, who's id, who's super id, and who's super ego?

You're superego.

What does that mean?

Because you're the judgy, like, everybody better do things by the book.

And by the book, I mean, my book.

I don't say you better.

I don't, I don't.

You should.

You should.

I just say, but I don't want to be a part of it.

I don't want to be a part of it if you're not.

That's all.

Don't drag me into something like

a hedonism fucking show at MSG or

your fucking perby contest.

I mean,

you guys can do it.

Go do it

have all the success.

Thank you.

But don't ask me to be a part of it, though.

Well, you weren't asked to be a part of MSG.

I'll say that.

Well, he would ask me to come.

He asked me to come.

And my response was,

should I bring my family?

Can I bring my 14, soon-to-be-15-year-old daughter?

I understand the word turd is bandied about.

Like it ain't no.

I'm not defending myself.

I feel bad.

I'm shocked.

It's a blind spot on my part.

It's a blind spot.

And You know what?

And like I said,

I didn't want to come down on the contest at that time, but just like bile and fucking, oh,

I hate that.

I should have said it then.

Let's make him a space monkeys.

That's on me, though, for not speaking up.

You fucked up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But just be known.

Just know.

Just know.

Just know, whoever wins.

Right.

You'll never recognize that.

You need all three of fucking TSD to recognize you.

That is not true.

Two out of three.

We've always gone two out of three.

You know it's up to you.

You could get two out of three.

You've been in a situation like this before.

But if it's a certain two out of three,

it's space monkeys.

It's fucking space monkeys then.

So me and Q agree it automatically.

If it's me and Q agreeing, it's still TSD.

If it's me and Brian agreeing, it's still TSD.

But if it's Brian and Q agreeing, that's fucking Space Monkeys.

So as long as you agree, it's tell him Steve, Dave.

No.

Yeah.

It has to be.

Because if it's just you two agreeing, why can't it be?

No, because if it's you and Brian, it's Puck Nuts.

But you own that, so you're a part of it.

Oh, no, I gave it back, right?

Shit.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, man, I got no excuse.

I'm sure the title is in question.

I'm sure whoever wins is not going to care what the title is.

This is a guy who's like on Pucknuts.

Hey, let's do Busted Nuts.

Send him pictures of your gross sex.

But

all predicated upon you being like, girl, send him pictures, please.

That's why Busted Nuts became a picture of the picture.

I remember seeing exactly that.

I remember saying exactly that.

Someone posted a lot of things.

I was on such a fucking short leash.

I was getting in trouble for shit that Ming did.

I could hardly talk about anything on puck nuts.

Jesus.

Wow.

Wow.

A lot of controversy.

There is.

Controversies?

Speaking of controversy, I'm curious because I texted you the other night and I said,

I asked if you had seen the Steve Harvey version of Family Feud.

I have not.

It's on the Game Show Network.

And I guess the shows are relatively new.

There's a guy who, like, remember when the world was aghast at Steve Harvey being like, hey, can you leave me alone when I'm in my dressing room?

And they're like, what a fucking piece of shit.

Yeah.

And now, like, the stuff that goes on, that's going on in Hollywood is like

10 times like 1,000 times to Steve Harvey, like, leave me alone.

Well, he wasn't hurting anybody when he said that.

Just feelings.

He was hurting feelings.

Wow.

Which are just as important as physical.

They're not.

You can't hurt somebody's feelings, Q.

No.

People's feelings.

Hey, man.

Hashtag feelings.

That hasn't come down yet.

No, not yet.

You can still hurt people's feelings here and there.

By asking for a few minutes of quiet in your fucking dressing room.

I said at the time I agreed with him.

Yeah, and don't come up and ask me to do like an answering, an answering machine message for you.

Like, he's garbage.

Right.

Because Steve Harvey wants to spend the whole fucking day saying hello to your third cousin.

Exactly.

That's never happened to you, I assume.

Fucking Mosier asked me to make one last night, did he?

I got up his third cousin.

Yeah, but I would do anything for Mosi.

But one of the questions was like,

what's your first move

when you want to turn on a woman?

Your go-to move?

Well, maybe not necessarily yours, but like, I guess, widely accepted.

When you first move on to a woman,

when you're making a move on a woman, how do you turn her on?

On a personal level, I'm like, I'm going to see them fucking choppers, girl.

It's a shooter's carrot.

That's an understanding question, though.

Shooters carrot.

Well, yeah, you want you.

Yeah, what's the concept?

What do you mean, like a first date, second date type thing?

Just a very general if you want to turn a woman on, how do you do it?

I don't think it's like, I think permission is implied in Family Feud, although some of the answers I'm not so sure about.

Okay.

But I'm assuming that it's like you're with your girl and you want to turn her on.

How do you do it?

Right.

This family feud answers.

Did you you write the answers down?

Family feud.

No.

I was

slightly incapacitated, so I was just watching it like, what the fuck?

One was like,

I think the lady

who answers.

Let's see if we have, since you know the answers, let's see.

Let's

see if me and Q can

we're a little family here.

Who's more of a fucking?

Turn her on?

Cai, go first?

A compliment.

Compliment was not there.

Really?

No.

Compliment was not on the list.

Oh, no, because it's got to be this fucking 2017 course fucking society that's got to go right immediately.

A compliment isn't good enough anymore, right?

Flowers.

Compliment is

flowers.

Flowers.

You did not see flowers.

You did see.

Wait a minute.

That's not our third strike.

All right, you got two strikes.

You know how to fucking play Family Feud?

I do.

I thought I did until I saw Steve Harvey.

I was like, oh, by the way, do you have Amazon Prime?

There are so many old game shows on Amazon Prime right now.

I don't have Amazon Prime.

I don't even have Netflix.

But you order from Amazon?

No?

I do.

And you don't have the...

You don't do it.

Do you pay for shipping every time?

Oh, I don't know.

My wife handles all that.

Because

if you have it, because Amazon Prime is wrapped into it, it's like $75 for the year.

Oh, okay.

And you get free shipping.

Most people do it.

It's like an app on your

TV.

You watch it on TV.

How do you get Amazon on your TV?

You have an Xbox.

There's like an Amazon app on that.

You can just do do it.

Is it on Netflix?

It's got a lot of good stuff.

Rub an area.

Okay, be more specific.

You're on to something.

Rub

or erogenous zone.

Be more specific?

What?

Yeah.

A lady?

A lady?

That's not a lady.

That's not a lady, then.

That's not a lady.

That's a whore.

Who gets turned off?

So if you touch a woman

besides their shoulders, they're a whore?

What, she just took a back rub?

Was she married?

Well, for how long?

Over clothes?

She was wearing a.

Surely she was wearing a shawl at the time.

Judging by these answers, I assume that they only polled prostitutes and

indigent hobo women.

You're telling me that

they actually said like the nipple rub.

Boom.

Bing, bing.

But they don't, they say, they say her,

they say her knockers slash nipples.

And I was blown away.

Richard Dawson would be spinning in his grave.

He wouldn't even be able to pucker up to kiss every woman on the show.

No.

Wow.

It's that coarse.

There was one part where the guy.

It was like a fucking eye.

The guy.

I couldn't tell the difference.

There's one part where the guy wants to say

he wants to say vagina, but he can't even bring himself to say vagina, this fucking corny white guy.

And he's like, the frontal area?

And

everyone, like Steve Harvey makes the fucking face, of course.

Everybody laughs.

Steve Harvey then goes on an uncomfortable amount of time with euphemisms.

Like, are you talking about home on the range?

American Pie?

Like, all these euphemisms that you've never heard before?

No, never heard of any of them.

But he's.

At least I get the American Pie one, but Home on the Range.

He's what?

Yeah, I don't know what he was talking about.

He's like, he's like, amber waves of grain, like just saying all this weird shit that you're like, I've never really heard it referred, I guess.

But he went on so long, and people were laughing so uncomfortably that it just sort of petered out, and then they went to commercial.

That's it.

But yeah,

it was the frontal area.

Then they said her creamy caboose.

Because he's like,

show me.

Is that a second answer, or is that still part of the?

That's a different answer.

Yeah, no, the ass is not normally, unless I got hit by a car, not normally located in the front of the woman.

But that's not an answer.

Like, creamy caboose isn't how you turn it off.

Well, he goes, like you cream hook up.

Well, he's like, no, he's talking about like touching her ass or something.

Was that up there?

It was up there because he's like, show me the booty.

And it says on the

answer, it says her creamy caboose.

No.

I swear.

And this is not a real game show anymore, then.

I don't do it.

I don't know.

There's no way of answering creamy caboose.

Nobody says, but I guess they're just using like, you know, metaphors or whatever.

For creamy caboose.

But it doesn't even make sense with the question.

How do you turn a woman off?

How do you turn her on by touching her?

The guy's like, by touching her booty.

He's like,

show me booty.

I think turn her on actually should have.

I think it was.

Sexually was implied.

Sweaty.

How do you get her sweaty?

Down below.

Oh, okay.

Creamy caboose.

Yeah, how do you get her ass to sweat?

It's really what they should have asked.

I don't really mean sweaty.

I'm not prespiration.

Okay.

Ah, all right.

I hear you.

Yeah.

You follow us.

Well, then sweaty is not the right word.

You've been doing it all wrong.

No,

sweaty, you know the right area.

I would not touch a woman's creamy caboose unless I got permission

in triplicate.

Right.

Yeah, I think.

It has to be notarized.

I think it's with your life partner they're talking about.

No, nonetheless.

If I got married, if I had a life partner,

I got to listen closely to this.

I want every sexual encounter to

have

written consent.

I do agree to get sweaty down below.

And my husband can touch my creamy caboose.

No creamy caboose tonight.

We will discuss that at a future

lovemaking session.

Lights off.

Thank you, sir.

Now turn the lights off and get in bed.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know, they love it, though.

That's the 200 whatever, 17, 16, I guess, playfulness.

but but again it was like it was the same in the 70s it's had a lot of like sort of like shit in the 70s i mean they would use like whoopee and shit you know they did but as i felt it's a

but what was scandalous back then now is so innocent and uh i don't think so i think the opposite i think it's more scandalous now you can't do anything i think game shows

about game shows no i think what was innocent back then would be scandalous now on game shows

well definitely richard dawson kissing everyone him well that i mean that the date where they said where's the weirdest place you had whooping, and they're like, That never actually ever aired.

Oh, really?

That's disappointing.

That was a cut, and that was shown on a reel of like

outtakes.

But, like, what about the gong show at the Popsicle Twins?

Right.

Well, the Gong Show was a tour.

I remember that.

You never saw the Popsicle Twins on the Gong Show.

Oh, he's two teenage.

I mean, you think IJ's wild.

Hold on one second.

Yeah, you know what?

I'll let you just watch it.

I will say, though, I watched it.

I can imagine.

You know what you're going to have to show them?

I can pretty much guess what it is.

Two twins come out and.

they're not twins, but they are teenage girls.

And I imagine they

call them a false popsicles.

So, this is that your guess?

Yeah, my guess is, tell me if I'm right.

Hold on.

It's one of my heroes, Chuck Paris.

Yeah,

Google Popsicle twins.

She cruises Hollywood Boulevard in an ambulance.

Half the time, you're like, what is he talking about?

Here she is.

Oh, I love this act.

Now this has some substance.

It's about time we had substance on this show.

This is like me introducing the Miss T.

Euston Town Overbroad contest.

You got a nickel!

These girls are definitely not 18, right?

It's two.

Oh my God.

It's two girls who are like probably 16

seductively eating orange popsicles.

They're blowing them.

They're blowing them.

Did they appear like the unknown comic on a regular basis or is this a one-time thing?

No, I think it's just a one-time thing.

How the fuck do you remember this then?

I remember a lot of shit.

This is a famous one.

They got guns, right?

Like somebody ends it.

I mean, it's nuts, right?

I mean, they're just straight up the lady.

That one looks a little bit older, the one in the blue shirt.

She's stuck in.

This is not the first time she's done this shit.

Their cheats are.

They're not wearing shoes either, which is really strange.

It's going on so long.

They left.

Two of the judges walked away.

So would I.

Yeah, no shit.

Can't even see a picture of someone.

Did you see that live?

When it aired?

I mean, I saw it on TV.

I don't know that I saw it live, though.

Yeah, I never heard of that or saw that.

That I couldn't attest to.

I mean, I just think that.

If there was a game show today and that happened.

I bet you it could happen.

I'll tell you, I saw the second iteration of Joker.

Well, actually, the third of Joker's Wild that's hosted by Snoop Dogg.

I saw it too.

What a train wreck.

Holy shit.

It's not good?

Oh, my God.

I think the title's just cursed, boys.

I mean, the game show, the original game show went off for a while.

That's a Noamme one, right?

No Ammi one.

No, that's pressure luck.

But the Snoop Dogg one, I watched one episode.

I'd even make it through the full episode.

It's unwatchable.

Really?

It is unwatchable.

Yeah, you're just like, What is going on?

What are they talking about?

It's like you know, they have like the big jackpot thing where you have to try to get three snoop dogs in a row or whatever.

I mean, and in this day and age,

how is it still like, how does it still get a rise?

I have an audience to make marijuana jokes.

They love it.

People marijuana is still illegal, but how is it still

in this day and age?

Do you still get that like

people?

Oh, you can't make meth jokes.

I disagree.

I just can't imagine the IQ of the public that they're still laughing about marijuana jokes.

I don't get it.

Kev's like, can you cut that part?

I know, but I just, like, that's the whole Joker's Wild.

It was all about, like, smoking.

The entire thing is basically about.

Well, I mean,

there are comedians, Doug Benson.

His entire act, right, is basically based around him being a guy.

Yeah.

I got to change this up.

Sorry, I'll go.

I like Doug Benson now.

Come around.

Hello,

you did a 180, huh?

He was on the Joker's Cruise.

I saw him.

He fucking bought a ticket to come on the cruise.

Oh, he wasn't there as a guest?

No.

Oh, I thought he was so good.

He came on, and I got off stage, and I was like, I looked at him.

I was like, holy fuck, what are you doing here?

I don't like you.

And then he was so nice.

Like, I think.

You caught him on a bad day?

I think he was just super fucking high.

Really?

Yeah.

But this is the guy who sucked off Dane Cook, so I'm not sure I fucking trust him.

What do you mean he sucked off Dane Cook?

You.

I didn't.

Yeah, you were like, oh, I met Dane Cook, and he was so dreamy.

And, oh, funny?

You want to talk funny?

Just say Dane Cook.

That dude was big, though.

He was funny.

He was not funny.

That guy was not funny.

When I met him, he was funny.

He said a good joke.

He was funny with college students and shit who are like, I remember somebody exposing me to Dane Cook's shit, and I was like, seriously?

No.

Like, I'm supposed to laugh at this garbage.

I have a new celebrity crush anyway.

Who is it?

Keenan Thompson?

From Keenan and Kelly?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I met him the other day.

I met him at this hot interration.

The guy was fucking

so nice.

I was like, this is crazy how nice this guy is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that all it takes?

Yeah.

Just be nice to me.

Hey, I feel you.

Just be nice to me.

Just be nice to me.

That's all I care about.

Yeah.

I mean, like, bizarrely nice.

You're like, holy fuck, this guy is a really nice guy.

Do you ever question that, you know, that's possibly he's just being extra nice because he knows who you are?

I don't think.

Guys, don't say that live.

I don't think he needs to.

As to like, maybe somebody who wasn't on TV?

Maybe, but I don't care about that.

I just care what you're talking about me.

Okay.

It doesn't go into

that questioning of a

nice to everybody.

Is really nice to celebrities.

Do I have any value as a human beyond my celebrity?

I don't think so anymore.

No, so fucking nice, dude.

You would have liked him.

He's the longest.

He's been on SNL the longest out of any cast member.

Of any cast member, yeah.

In the history of SNL?

I believe so, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Definitely currently.

I think he's got it for all time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, so nice.

So handsome.

A handsome guy, huh?

I don't know.

He's a big guy.

He's a big guy.

You're a Chubby Chaser now.

I there, dude.

I'll take it.

Get over here, you.

Get over here, Chubby.

So, yeah, Joker's Wild, I cannot.

Although I don't know what your ratings need to be in order for it to last.

Why not?

I'll tell you what.

It's on TBS.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

It's a strange station to be running for first-run game shows.

Based on my own experience with Joker's Wild, we were the second highest-rated show in the network, and they still canceled it.

Do they feel if they felt it was going to hurt the brand, so to speak?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People were complaining about me fucking leaving babies out on fucking porches and shit.

Oh, yeah.

Like we did in this sketch.

And oh my gosh.

You wouldn't think I left an actual baby on the porch.

I got to go take some Seattle's baby.

But like, doesn't that just make you mad that they don't respect the viewers enough to fucking be able to tell the difference between a skit?

No, no, no.

I'm sorry, you misunderstood me.

The fucking viewers were the one who were complaining.

True, ain't it?

People wrote in letters like, oh my God, how could they do that?

How could they leave a baby outside?

It was stunning.

It was stunning.

What?

The fuck,

it looks like they're acting.

This isn't real.

We got that.

This isn't real.

By and large, people are not that smart.

I'm learning that a lot.

I'm learning that if you didn't like Joker's Wild, you're not smart.

That's what what I've learned.

And if you loved it, you're a genius.

There you go.

There you go.

I'll tell you, who would have loved it?

It's Keenan Thompson.

He would have loved it if he had seen it.

Right.

He would have watched it all handsome and shit.

Yeah, looking all good.

What is your feeling?

Speaking of the marijuana thing, now that Chris Christie is gone and we've got this new guy who says he'll legalize weed within 100 days, which I don't see happening.

Is that even possible?

I doubt it.

What are you going to do?

What about you?

All these stoners around.

I mean, they're around anyway.

I don't think it's going to change anything.

I don't think.

You you don't think legalizing weed in this state would make more would it would open the doors for more people to just go and buy, say, Flavor X?

I don't know.

At a dispensary?

What are you doing right now?

You dropping in a plug?

What are you talking about?

A Flavor X plug.

I think if you're going to smoke, you're going to smoke.

And

you're a fiend for it.

If you got the itch and you can't, and you got to have it, you got to scratch it.

I don't want to worry you.

But when they decriminalized weed in Manhattan, in New York City

Manhattan everywhere you go just smells of weed constantly now people just smoke it with no fear

which is why you should use flavor X because what is going on

what is Flavor X those little those little capsule things that

what would I need to worry about though wait wait I mean if you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna your daughter might smell it

your daughter your daughter might see it suddenly some guy's giving her a back rub it's fucking horrifying yeah I'll take care of that.

You call me.

Any fucking shenanigans, I'll take care of that shit.

You can over here get fucking putted.

I don't think it's really anything.

I mean, I think

it's probably trending that way anyway, that it's going to be legal in all 50 states sooner or later.

All about the money, right?

It's all about the money.

Now, will your property taxes go down in Jersey?

Not at all.

Nothing will change.

We'll just put more.

We'll just have more fucking

cement heads fucking token up.

But I'll still be paying the same amount.

Cement head, is that a why?

I've never heard that.

Is that a thing?

I don't know.

Something I made up.

All right, let's go with it.

Cement heads and fucking faces.

But if it's legal

and Mike comes in and he's like,

how do you handle that?

Well, I mean,

the guy who owns a store is a big proponent of smoking.

So how could I ever be like, oh, dude, you can't smoke?

It'd be like if he wants to, if he wants to just

throw his career down the drain.

Which career is this

we're talking about?

Interesting choice of words.

Have you been talking on flavor?

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Oh my god, this is making me like, I went to Target this morning, and I witnessed the fucking morning,

the huddle, they call it, because they're a team, so they huddle.

There's no like, it's weird.

If anyone from Target is listening, Walmart had done that.

They also do it.

Target was doing it, and I stayed for the whole time.

Like, I pretended I was browsing so I could listen in.

And they just talked about some very average shit, but there's no good wrap-up.

It's no, like, Target, or like, there's no, like, there's no, like, putting the fists in, nothing.

It just kind of like peters out at the end.

So, Target, you want to stem a control?

Next, for that, next time we record for the Christmas episode, maybe we do a little Christmas huddle, like, pep rally thing.

And then we talk about amazing shit like all the shipments that came in like these guys did.

No wonder 80%.

I picture it like Ray Lewis before a game.

Do you ever see Ray Lewis do his dance from the Baltimore Ravens?

No, I know who he is.

Isn't he like somebody who punches ladies?

No, no, no, no, no.

That was some remarkable Baltimore Ravens.

But no, if you Google, if you YouTube Ray Lewis dance, I think that's how I picture every person at Walmart getting ready

to greet the day.

Yeah, it didn't look like that when I saw him.

Not so much.

Codes.

Let's see.

No wonder there's a must-have.

Well, no wonder 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day.

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So go to ziprecruiter.com/slash T-E-S-D.

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If you go to ziprecruiter.com/slash T-E-S-D one more time to try for free, go to ziprecruiter.com slash T-E-S.

Get that D.

No, say it right.

ZipRecruiter.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Terms and conditions apply.

They definitely do.

It doesn't say it here, but let's just say that.

Let's just cover that.

For sake of argument, then our safety.

Yes.

ZipRecruiter.

So, what about Giddam?

I'll bet you would have a tighter rein on Giddam.

I don't have to worry about Giddam.

Giddam's not into drugs.

No?

No, he's into alcohol, but he's not into drugs.

If you could just keep him away from that gallon of beer.

Look, I mean, everybody's got their own, you know.

Hey, I'm not coming down anybody who is

on.

I heard you were whacked out on fucking cold medicine.

Giddam gave you cold medicine, I heard that you were like, oh, take it.

And then you were flying high and shit.

Is this true?

I did take cold medicine.

Do you want to issue an apology right now for taking cold medicine?

It's fucking cement head.

It's so strange that he's telling me, he's told Nichelle I took cold medicine.

I'll tell you what, listen.

Yeah, it's so strange.

I felt so horrible that I actually took medicine from Giddam.

That's how bad I felt.

Right.

It was like not in a regular bottle that's in a street.

It was in a

box that had been probably like you'd ever see someone writes a Sharpie that it's been marked down as medicine missiles.

Made in Mexico.

And I felt so bad that I actually took it, and then I had to go home.

I was like.

It made you worse?

I just felt like I was going to fall asleep right then and there, so I just went home and took a nap.

Why didn't you call me a man?

I I could have hooked you up with some purple drank.

That's the first medicine I've taken probably in since that buffering back in 91.

No, that was 98.

That was 98.

Oh, shit.

You're recently.

Hard times.

Recently recovered.

You've been sober for many years.

Your 30-year chip.

So you took it and it did make you feel better, and then you didn't take any more?

I believe cold medicine to be, and I told Giddam this because he was asking me about it, and I believe it to be what's that called, placebo?

Placebo?

You know what?

There are a lot of people who do think that.

Yeah, I believe it's a this billion-dollar industry is

a lie.

Well, cough medicine definitely is, but shit like Dayquil has

the Tylenol and everything in it.

But I mean, something like, I'm talking about the

cold medicines, not cough syrup.

Cough syrup is definitely nothing.

Cough syrup is bullshit, I read.

It's proven a billion times over it does nothing.

You know what isn't, though?

The fennel, fucking whatever, with the one with codeine in it and one with hydrocodone in it definitely worked because it suppresses a cough reflex.

So you definitely stop coughing if you get a prescription cough medicine with either of those two ingredients in it.

They're opiates.

The stuff off the shelf for the last time I had a prescription.

The stuff off the shelf, she's like, that pharmacy doesn't exist anymore.

I swallowed up and eat other pharmacies.

I was going to say, back when I had my knee operator on 1998, was the last time I had a prescription.

Right.

Last time I took any kind of other than Giddam's.

And you took pain pills then, too, right?

One.

And I didn't need it.

I felt like I could get power through it.

Yeah.

I didn't feel that way for years.

Three years.

I didn't feel that way.

What's up, bud?

Rob Bruce in the house.

There he goes.

Coming his ass.

Yeah, it's 8 o'clock at night.

No, it's not.

He's not here.

He's okay.

Yeah, he's fine.

Oh, Mike's crashed car?

Yeah, certainly.

He's talked about on

happy Thanksgiving.

And Mike and Mankiller.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, speaking of

what a segue.

What a segue.

Right, Reddit.

Oh, my God.

Thanksgiving's coming up, Q.

What do you got going on for Thanksgiving?

Let's go to my mom's house.

Get that jab that apple.

Get that jab apple.

The japple?

What's that again?

I can't see it.

That's the apple goes in the turkey.

Turkey goes in the oven.

Pops out of his body.

And that's the QA Least Fight over it.

That's something coveted by the Quinns, right?

Whoever gets the apple.

It's me.

It's mine.

It's for me.

And this is literally

an apple put up the cavity of a turkey.

Yeah.

You want this?

And they bake it, and it is delightful.

And you probably have no one fighting you for this.

Well, my niece.

Denise.

She's just Denise.

And she's, what did you say she was?

Well, she's Asian.

Japanese, right?

She's 14.

That's why she's Japanese.

In this climate, I would give her the apple to shoot just in case she goes online and says some things about you.

Yeah, she's like my uncle.

He used the term Japple.

He stole the apple with all the anus juice that I soaked into it.

And then he hurt my feelings.

Men have gotten the ass apple for too long in this world.

What about you, Brian?

What are you doing on Thanksgiving?

I'm going to go to Pam and Edgar's.

I'm going to turkey, no apples.

I do all the cooking.

Do you like that?

I don't.

I enjoy that.

Do you love it?

Does that center you?

No.

Come on.

That looks like a crazy in that house.

Who does the cooking at

my mom?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got to do it.

I told you the story about my mother and the world's best cook thing.

One day, I can't remember.

It was in her house.

It was like one of those things you buy at a pharmacy.

They're like precious moments or something.

It's like they look like a clay color.

It's like world's best fish.

And she had one that said world's best cook.

And she was like carrying it to her room.

This is only like a couple of years ago.

And I was like, who gave you that?

And she's like, oh, Tracy gave it to me years ago.

And I was like, oh, I didn't really say anything about it.

And she's like, you don't think I am?

I always said,

wait, I don't think you're the world's best cook.

Why is she carrying it around?

She was carrying it from somewhere to put in her room.

I don't know why she had it.

And I'm like, wait, do I think you're the world's best cook?

And she's like, yeah.

I was like, no.

Is she a good cook?

No.

No, okay.

She's not even a good cook.

She wouldn't want to hear this, so nobody tell her.

And she can't cook for shit.

She puts no effort into it because I think she doesn't like doing it.

Yeah, she's probably done it for almost her whole life, you know.

Right, but even when we we were kids, it's like, oh, we're going to have chicken, throw chicken in the oven, bake it, no seasoning, anything, just you know, which would be great for you.

Right, yeah, like Walt should be your son, not me.

Seasonings, I consider drugs.

Yeah.

You had some rosemary, you cement head?

Is it just a fucking free-for-all?

Basil is a fucking controlled substance.

To schedule one,

uh yeah

you would you would think it was a narcotic the way my mother used them so sparingly in our house no salt no pepper like had fucking 5 000 cookbooks never cracked a one the spines are flawless on these cookbooks uh and she got upset and she started like tearing up i'm like

goddamn mind yeah well okay but the only man that matters though in her life that should matter if she if she if she's a good cook though what does Edgar think about

what does the compliment machine you know what does Edgar think about her cooking

I'm sure it's going to be very comforting what Edgar has has Edgar weighed in on this

he didn't then he did it in the moment I don't think he's ever actually criticized her cooking that I could hear

aside from one time he was like

volumes the man has never criticized her cooking that is as good as saying you're the world's best cook or

or I have absolutely zero culinary distinction between good food and stuff that should be in a trough.

Like, this should be with like rotten apples.

Now, as her firstborn.

Why couldn't you just give that little white lie to mom?

Why couldn't you just be like, of course, it's neither little nor white.

It would be like,

I'm like, I'm not playing into your fucking delusions.

Like, that's flat out demented.

It's like, I have, I know people who are professional cooks.

I just went to char with Q for

dinner with Q.

Do you realize the Precious Moments little mini statue

is not recognized in the culinary world as a fucking, as the real thing?

You couldn't tell her that.

It's like the space monkeys of awards.

It's not legit.

She's like, what does Walt think?

But I don't understand.

Like, if you get the world's best son, one,

do you really want your mom going over your shoulder one day going, you know, that's a pretty hollow that you're not the world's best son?

Who's giving it to me?

Edgar.

Maybe Edgar gave it to you.

Well, the first thing I do is take a picture of it and send it to Eric and Darren.

And I'm like,

if his judgment matters at all at this point,

this is a guy who's eating Pam's cooking, so you know his tastes are fucking limited.

I can't even imagine how the Johnsons muster up the strength for a Thanksgiving dinner.

Hearing this,

what the personalities at the table.

I can't even imagine what it's like on Thanksgiving.

Everybody?

It's like rare for people to show up angry.

You know, normally like, continue angry, leave angry.

She said there's only seven people going, so if it's

so, if she and Edgar are two people, me and Sage are two more people, then that only leaves three more.

Darren and his lady.

Yeah.

So that only leaves one more person.

I'm not even sure who that is.

Well, it would be Tracy?

No, she's not gone.

She goes to work or something.

I'm out of house this Thanksgiving,

going out to a restaurant.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody wants to cook, huh?

Nobody really wants to cook this year, so that everybody,

I didn't get away from it.

And Bob Evans is open on Thanksgiving.

I didn't get a vote, apparently.

If you don't cook, you don't get a chance to vote where it's going to happen.

What restaurant?

Oh, it's on Route 2.

No, Hula Hands.

Hula Hands.

Got you.

Good lord.

Hula Hands?

Yeah.

Why?

What's wrong with that?

Because you may as well say Fridays, Ruby, Tuesdays.

It's a chain restaurant.

I thought, like, when you thought it was going to be somewhere fancy, like.

Hula Hands is fancy.

It's dim.

Sure, it is.

Yeah.

I mean, fancy compared to

any number of like KFC?

Denny.

Hula Hands.

What's fancier?

Hula Hands is definitely fancier.

Okay.

Hula Hands.

In that they have silverware.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In that you don't have to eat with your hands, you're right.

But if you were to say fancy, I would say like McLunes or something.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

I'm just saying it's a very generic Amazon.

Clearly.

I wasn't thinking that for a second.

We could eat at

an In-N-Out burger.

We could eat at the shittiest.

We could eat at White Castle.

Because none of you would ever get on a plane to go to a place where an In-N-Out exists.

All right, we could go to White Castle.

All right.

And it would still, it's all about who's at the table.

Harold and Cool.

Not where the fucking table is in the restaurant.

Okay, so why Hoolahans and why not White Castle?

It seems like you're putting on air.

No turkey with you.

Oh, they don't have any turkey.

There's turkey at Hoolahan's.

I didn't know that.

They have a big Thanksgiving thing at Hoolands.

Oh, do they?

A buffet.

I'm assuming, yeah.

A buffet, huh?

Yeah.

Not that it matters to me.

I mean,

it's just,

it's all

salad.

These other gourmands seem to care about the same.

I mean, everything basically should be for me.

It's all spinach.

Everything is, you know, no matter what it is, it's basically spinach to me because I won't eat any of it.

So you just went on the white turkey.

Otherwise,

they might not even have white turkey.

I don't even know.

All right.

I may, like I said, it may be a very lean Thanksgiving this year for me.

So if you're, so pile some extra high on your plate for me and think of me this year.

Think of Walt.

You're suffering at

some fucking anonymous fucking average chain restaurant.

Hey, good for you, man.

At least you don't got to fucking cook or clean up or host people.

I wish I was going to Hula Hands to be honest with you.

Is there room for one more?

There is.

What about the day after Black Friday, Q?

What are you doing on Black Friday?

Sucking off fucking Kenan.

I mean, at home?

I fucking hope so.

Any plans?

You going out shopping?

I don't make.

I don't make.

No, if you're asking the fucking participating in Black Friday,

no, I'll do the online.

I will make it.

I do everything online?

Yeah, I do everything online now.

Do you feel like you're missing being in the game when you're not?

You know, you don't miss that, the hustle and the bustle.

I used to enjoy it.

I did it.

I swear to a plate glass window at Walmart.

Dell with a boot on my neck.

When you were a kid, didn't you go out and wait?

Sal and I used to go.

Sal and I would go overnight and wait.

Fun, right?

We did have a blast, yeah.

What happened?

I mean, come on.

Can you imagine he and Sal like in the middle of the line at Best Buy, not even at at the head of the line, in the middle of the line, in their fucking chairs and shit, like their lawn chairs.

Four in the morning.

This is a true story.

One year we fucking waited.

We waited hours.

We basically camped out in front of Circuit City.

Is that long?

What are you trying to get?

What are you trying to share?

I forget, but I do remember this.

The store opened, and as the store opened, this was way before the TV show, right?

As the store opened, Murray pulls up in a car and then just jumped online with us and walked in with us.

And did the line go ballistic?

No.

He was just like, hey, guys, and walked in.

Just just went in.

He fucking, he just played us.

He just sachet right in.

He played us, man.

He did it.

I'm fucking, I don't say that when I missed out on, though?

The camaraderie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why you guys are brothers in shopping that night.

You fucking hypothermia.

And you look back on it, and when you said you told that story, you had a little gleam in your eyes.

I love those days, man.

They come around every year, but you're unwilling.

I was thinking the same thing.

I went to Chili's the other day, and I saw a lady who was a waitress when we used to go probably probably 10 years ago, maybe more, because we used to go to Chili's all the time.

I felt the same way.

I was like, wow, I miss this, man.

Not Chili's, but you're like, yeah, the moment.

We used to meet.

Chili's is basically around halfway for us.

We used to meet there and have a two-hour lunch and just bullshit.

It was great.

It was great.

What about you on Black Friday?

Black Friday?

Anything you're looking to circling?

You're getting the circulars, you're going through them, looking for all your bargains,

all the presents you're buying for everybody this year?

Yeah, definitely.

I can't wait to do that,

to get Sage more shit she doesn't need to fit in a place that it doesn't fucking fit in.

I told her, I said this year, I said for Christmas, I was like, you got to get rid of some of this shit if you're going to get more stuff.

Okay.

You got to.

And how is she getting rid of it?

By not noticing after I throw it away.

I hope.

Like shit, I paid good money for, like plastic that's like, oh, God, like, I paid this much because in the moment she wanted it.

I don't have this year.

She hasn't mentioned whatever hot toy it is.

I forget what she said.

That's what growing up is about, though, though, is getting toys that you needed to have, and then you don't really need them.

You're giving her the memories, though.

Well, I'm like, now you're a grown-up.

You don't need that shit anymore.

She's not grown-up.

She tells me every day.

Today she's like, I want to walk to school alone.

And

I walked her to school.

It's like less than 10 minutes.

But we went out to the road.

I was like, which way do you go?

She points towards the highway.

I'm like, nope.

Other way.

Now, do you wonder why she wants to walk alone?

I mean, does that make you a little bit sad?

I remember that feeling.

I'm like, what was that world's greatest dad fucking statue all about?

What the fuck?

But at that moment,

your little girl goes, I don't want to be seen with you.

That's tough.

I mean, I've dealt with it twice.

She hasn't said it in so many words, but

yeah,

she's not like that just yet in terms of like, oh, I can't believe I'm being seen with you.

Why does she want to walk to her?

She just, she likes the independence and stuff.

So I'll walk her to a certain point, and then then she walks the rest of the way by herself.

And the first day they questioned me, they're like, Did you let her walk to school alone?

Because I would walk her up to the door every day.

I was like, No.

So now I have to sort of like wave to the teacher from like,

it's like two football fields away.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, good.

I'm glad that they're that way.

Yeah, they're pretty.

They're not as bad as Tinton Falls was, where like it was more of a, like, kind of like a prison than a school.

Yeah.

Like, I see a lot of kids walk into this school

throw of bushes, like, get them.

One of the saddest things was, like we had there was that

feeling though.

That realization that, like, when I was like, Where do you guys want to go eat?

And I would mention places, and they were like, No, we want to go here or here.

And I would be like, oh, shit, so far away.

I don't say that.

I'd be like, why do you want to go so far away for it?

And why do you want to drive like an hour out of our way?

That's a restaurant where we're going to have five minutes to Denny's.

Right, but they want to go to a restaurant.

They want to go to a place that's in town, but that's the one that wants to go.

And they're like, oh, the food's better.

There's candles on the table.

The food's better at that one.

At that particular restaurant, the battery operator.

That Applebee's than the Applebee's by our house.

Oh, they want to go to Applebee's.

And then I do a little digging, a little digging, and a little digging.

And I realize they're just afraid that some of the people that they go to school with will be there and see them eating with their dad.

You know what's doubly insulting that you're on fucking TV.

That is usually a thing that kids want to brag about, I would say,

but no?

No, it's embarrassing.

It's shameful to them.

They see me putting that pony show on and like chucking and jiving.

They're like, oh, you sell out.

Like, world's greatest sellout.

That's the switch.

Christmas is coming up, Walt.

And what do you hate getting for Christmas?

Ties and socks.

Underwear.

Underwear.

Who wants them?

Unless they're from Meandy's.

Come on.

You still give it to your family and your loved ones who don't want it.

Maybe it's not the underwear that's the problem.

It's the kind of underwear.

Have you given underwear, Q?

Give me given underwear?

Been given underwear?

Yeah.

I think I've had boxers.

Is it deflating?

No.

I like.

As a kid, you still like getting underwear?

If there were another dude.

If there were another dude?

He's tired.

I don't know.

I don't think I've ever opened one and been like, yeah, that sucks.

Okay.

Really?

Grateful.

Grateful for any gifts.

Hashtag grateful.

All right.

Let me tell you, by the way,

can I interrupt the commercial one second?

Yeah.

People send a lot of gifts to the store for me.

Yes.

Like every week I come in.

You game a whole thing.

And there's,

and believe me, guys, I appreciate it.

I think Walt will back this up.

I never get anything and throw it out and fucking leave.

Everything that people send to me to the stash, I bring home.

If there's a letter, I try and respond.

I'm not 100% on that, but I do try and be like, thank you.

So I appreciate it so much.

And I really do.

Somebody sent an unbelievable canvas of Tom Petty for me.

I really love that.

Thank you very much.

That being said, if you do send something to the stash, please don't call and harass Walt about it.

I mean, I am more than willing and I am happy to make sure Q gets his gets his packages.

But I am not willing to take multiple fucking phone calls.

I have never not given BQ one of his gifts.

It hasn't happened before this.

It ain't going to happen after this.

You can rest assured.

Will you punish people who call in and throw their shit away?

Oh, please don't.

No, it's not out to punish anybody.

I'm just saying, no, like.

But you will delay it another week for every phone call.

Yeah, I just like, we're trying to conduct a business here, and

we can't track when BQ is going to get down here and open up his gifts.

And

not care about them.

That's not true at all, man.

I would say it if that was true.

You do get excited.

But I will tell you.

I do.

I get some nice, I mean, really, man, the amount of stuff is really tough.

If you want your package to go to the top of the pile,

the only way to achieve that is...

Maybe sending a package my way might

get that package onto the top of the pile.

I'm not saying if you don't send me a package a gift as well, that it's going to go to the bottom.

But

there's a priority if, you know.

That's the way the world works.

If I'm going to run around fucking making sure BQ's fucking packages are safe and secure,

you would think, though, that I would have some dog in the fight.

There would be a little

thank you, a little wedding of your beak.

A gift card to Red Robin.

Right.

Red Robin.

Yeah.

Cool of hands, maybe.

That's only once a year.

No, that'll be long past by the time.

I just went to Red Robin yesterday.

I was thinking about you.

Yeah, Red Robin's awesome.

I wish we could do spots for them instead of fucking the shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Except for Miyundis and Zip Recruiter, right?

Right,

back to the cards.

Which is a sponsor we actually all use and like.

Hey, I'm wearing my Miundi's right now.

I want to talk about that.

Me too.

I pulled down Miundi's and they saw my hairy butt.

Let me tell you about Miyundi's, the only underwear that makes for an amazing gift.

If you knew going into that doctor's appointment that a female was going to be in the room,

would you have groomed any different?

Oh, like shaved my ass?

No, no, no, I'm just saying.

Would you have

my side so it's in patches?

Would you have worn better clothes?

Would you have done anything differently than the old man doctor who was going to see it?

If you had known that the old man doctor who's younger than me.

No, I would not have done anything different.

You wouldn't have done anything different.

No.

Wow.

No.

What can I do differently?

Do you have a cologne, maybe?

But I wear cologne anyway.

Down there, I mean.

Oh, yeah.

I just pour a bottle of Paco Raban all over my balls.

You wear cologne?

Oh, yeah.

What type of cologne you wear?

Very sexy from Victoria's Secret.

I know it sounds super gay, but it smells good.

Well, you're not cackling.

That was a cackle.

That was a cackle.

I've been cackled at in the past.

Usually by girls who think they're too good for

old Brian.

It's fucking very sexy.

You better get the fucking.

You can't cackle too long, Hen.

You're going to be smelling it a lot pretty soon.

Oh, that date's approaching?

Oh, yeah.

Five years is coming up very quickly.

What was the finish line on that?

What was the five years?

What was the date?

I don't recall, but I know it's coming up.

Oh, my God.

And somebody's locked in.

Be cute.

You're going to the doctor.

She's got no prospects.

I'll tell you that much, God.

You're going to the doctor.

You're going to the doctor.

Fucking spinster.

Laugh at my fucking cologne.

And there's a chance that the receptionist

may come into the room and see you

in a compromised position.

Do you change anything about

anything differently?

No, I don't think so.

No.

Because I think I conduct myself in the.

Yeah, like, what are we animals?

No, no, no.

I mean, like, my boxes are pretty nice.

Like, I don't.

Yeah.

Nothing that you want to wear something a little bit nicer.

I don't think so.

I got a Hugh Hefner robe pajamas.

All right, back to meundi.

So back to meundis, which it may as well be a fucking Hugh Hefner robe because everyone's impressed by them.

They have a soft, flexible waistband.

The softness.

That's what gets.

That's what puts them a cut above.

I saw some like Walmart meundis.

They like tried to make me.

come on wait every day you put on cologne no not every day just me going to the doctor so when do you put on cologne i'm only on my balls

when do you put on cologne uh it depends like if i'm if i'm if i'm gonna go out at night or something like msg yeah put a little cologne on very sexy but is that a woman's no

yeah i'm like oh shit i've been wearing perfume from last week but you have to admit that Somebody bought it for me.

But Victoria's Secret's very sexy.

Sounds like a woman's product.

It definitely does.

Right.

You're telling me it's not.

It doesn't look like cows come home, bitch.

Did you pick it out or did you have some saleswoman sell it to you?

No, I didn't pick it out.

No, someone gave it to me years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm like,

what'll humanize me?

You're a mark for a salesperson.

Right.

When you walk in, they could sell you, could sell you like

toilet water.

After I get this money, I definitely own all the tea in China is what you're saying.

Because you know I'm a rube.

And I've only got a

Victoria's Secret salesperson.

I don't know how to verse that.

This is your scent.

Oh, get over here with your hairy ass.

Put on some of this perfume.

I like you think.

Boy.

You all had a bag of chips.

What was the Victoria's Secret in 1997?

It is not.

It's for women.

It is not.

It's called Perfume.

Look,

then Google Victoria's Secret, very sexy men.

And it will come up.

I'm not crazy.

Very sexy.

I'm not aware of fucking perfume.

Is it also for men?

Yeah.

He's lying.

He's trying to make me look like a menu.

No, now I found it, but I typed in very sexy.

So you're very sexy.

You splash Lee.

No, I'm not at all.

And it doesn't even bring me close to that bar.

But it does make me smell slightly better.

On the ship I wore it.

And people are like, oh, you smell good.

You know what?

Tweet at at BQQuinn and tell them how good I fucking smelled on that one.

Oh, all right.

He smelled like chum.

Come on, Cody.

I've never worn cologne in my life.

You never have?

I've never worn cologne.

Oh, it's the best.

I'm going to get you some cologne.

Should I start?

You absolutely should.

You want to go home?

It up your game.

No, no, not at all.

I was trying to think of

the old-fashioned cologne.

Chicar?

No.

Chicard Noir?

Yeah.

Is that still for sale?

It was like a little ship.

Oh, old spice?

Old spice.

Yeah, the shit like my father used to wear.

And I thought, thought

he would wear old spice, and I was like, that's some fucking old man's shit.

So I got brute thinking.

I was like, you're not young and hip like me.

The old spice is gross.

It is.

Yeah, it came in that like ceramic bottle.

Yeah, that was classy, I thought.

I think it was at the time 70s and shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I looked like my mom made it in pottery class.

It's like this ship on it.

Old spice, like, they definitely expanded their line.

Now they have like deodorants and stuff.

And they got to get away from the...

Like, would they have to wait until our generation dies out and remembers that shit?

Did you give BQ any of the

sauce that came in?

All those free sauces from KY?

Oh, no, I don't.

Wait, what?

KY sent we mentioned KY.

Yeah.

Can I finish this goddamn commercial short?

Yeah.

They sent the KY, somebody at KY was listening and sent in a whole bunch of that long-lasting duration spray.

Where is it?

Ming took a whole shitload.

Yeah, Ming took it.

Took some of it.

He took some lube

duration spray.

I have it.

It was in my car, and it was in a bag, so I took it in, but I'll bring some back for you.

But wait, why did Ming take it?

Well, I mean, come on.

Do I got to answer that?

Is that a real question?

All right.

Wow.

But you would experiment with that?

I would give it a shot.

The dude's a scientist.

But Mingredients are.

It's literally like.

It's just lidocaine.

Yeah, so like you're just going to be able to get it.

Oh,

it's like the tooth.

Yeah, like basically like when my my back used to hurt and I would take lidocaine patches and slab them on.

Okay.

You could just do that.

All right.

You could just wrap a lidocaine patch around your cock and hope for the best.

Or use the stuff that KY sent us.

But the gels are different.

Like one's like a couples

something or other.

Yeah, I didn't think you would be.

I'm fucking right now so keyed in on Dracar.

I can't wait to wear this.

I'm going to fucking wear this.

You're going to wear it?

I'm going to wear it.

You are going to smell like an eighth-grade girl's dream if the year was 1981.

Codes.

Codes, yeah.

You get some codes.

Miunde.

I can't wait to go out wearing Dracon Noir.

We'll go out, man.

We'll go to the next one.

How do you apply clones?

You want to know?

Yeah, no, no, I don't splash it.

It's in a spray.

You spray it

and walk into it.

You know.

Some saleswoman fucking told you this.

I know they did.

You still got the architecture.

Did you YouTube it?

Yeah, I needed a tutorial on how to apply cologne.

Very sexy for men because the search bar was

no way a man knows to spray and walk into it.

No way.

Then you're not a man then.

Do you get

do you get naked and like spray at waist level and then walk back into it?

So you're asking.

Yeah, I back up.

It's a whole thing.

It takes an hour.

No, like, I don't, no, put it on your shirt.

Like, I don't put it on my actual skin.

Right.

And then you walk into it.

All right.

How do you think I'm going to marry this girl someday?

She's like, his cologne game is spot on.

You know what you should do?

As the date approaches, put on like 50 pounds.

You should spend the next fucking hour, however much, just eating like crazy.

That would be awesome.

And I'll still do it.

I'll still befoul you.

I will still soil you.

You will be a soiled dove when I'm done with you.

A fat soiled dove, but a soiled dove nonetheless.

Miandis, come on.

This is why.

This is why

we're always in trouble.

Diet, sorry.

Miyandi's made underwear the perfect gift that everyone is going to love you for.

That's true.

Can't you just do codes?

They even said this.

No, no, no.

It says must read.

This is why we got to.

Terms and conditions apply.

Yes, it's a goddamn holiday miracle.

That's written.

I must read that.

Ooh.

Really?

Yep.

They would do that?

That's, again,

that speaks to what I was telling Father Lance.

I mean, we don't celebrate Christmas the way we should.

Right.

Hey.

Miundi's is celebrating the way that I should.

They shouldn't have died.

It's a goddamn holiday miracle.

I agree.

They shouldn't.

Hey, they're doing it.

This holiday season, to get your exclusive 20% off the softest underwear and socks you will ever wear, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Go to meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

That's meundis.com slash T-E-S-D.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, assuming this is the end of the show.

Oh, yeah.

In the middle of the show.

Oh, yeah.

Well, if this doesn't come at the end, yeah, guys, I know we have those.

It still applies.

Yeah, it still applies.

Let's talk about something more uplifting now than than that our daughter's fucking not loving us anymore

i fucked up so royally i didn't even have a kid yet i now have a daughter that's like dude later

but that i leave

uh but black friday has been for the last i don't know what six years yeah seven years you have door busters here i don't know only get them when he tries to get through

I'm talking about telling Steve Dave Town Black Friday

has been a pretty significant and important day for the last

release of the Christmas episode.

That's right.

Will this be the eighth year?

Let me check Bandcamp while you're talking.

Okay.

I don't know.

Black Friday this year.

Yeah.

It's even blacker than normal.

Well,

what do you want to lead with, Q?

Do you want to lead with the good news or the bad news?

Well, the good news is there is a Christmas episode.

Tradition lives on.

Okay.

So if you're going to count that as we have double good news then.

Oh, what's the other good news?

So there's two.

Two in the.

Oh, that was the only one that I know.

Oh, you're talking about.

Well, we are going to have a Black Friday release, though.

There is a Black Friday release.

The Christmas episode is coming, but it's coming December 21st.

21st.

A Friday.

Yes.

And recorded later in the year to maximize.

Yeah, we had a really good idea this year.

This is the seventh one, by the way.

Seven years.

This would be the seventh one.

So for the last six years, Black Friday has meant everything in TSD town.

No bigger day has there been than Black Friday.

Well, usually what happens, too,

is Walt has an idea he's passionate about.

Everybody loves it.

We get into it.

But this year, what?

Nothing came, huh?

No.

I was like an old, crusty, squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.

There was nothing left in that tube for Christmas.

So the one laying on Giddam's floor.

I'm going to take shots at Gidham's.

Yeah.

And there was a very real possibility

without Christmas.

And tell them, Steve, Dave, to me.

Right.

And then

an idea surfaced.

A BQ

had an idea, and the light lit up in Johnson's eye.

So we can curse as much as we want.

So this is, what do you want to title this one?

BQ and Bry Save Christmas or just BQ Save Christmas?

No,

I think it's Bry Saves Christmas.

That's what Space Monkey Saves Christmas.

Yeah.

I love that.

There you go.

It's the first official Space Monkey's Christmas.

But you're going to be involved.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm going in just like you guys went in the last six years.

To show up with a dumb look on your face.

What are we doing?

Right.

This is a very Space Monkey.

Space Monkeys Christmas.

Which explains why it's late immediately.

It's a month late.

And I have no idea what you guys got planned.

No, but we got some good stuff coming.

And December 21st, it's going to drop.

Yes, without a double.

But for all those people who are like, but they want something on Black Friday.

We're not going to a mall.

We're not getting in line.

We've got no leftovers because we went to fucking Hula Hens and it was a buffet and you can't take buffet shit.

There's still something for you.

There's something that

I am so proud of and I am so

last

Halloween that just passed, I thought we raised the bar, the Tellum Steve Dave bar with the Halloween

Halloween episode that was filmed.

A real exorcist at the fucking table.

Right.

Special fucking effects.

What other pod is doing?

Dysplexia.

What other pod is doing that?

None.

We raised the Tellum Steve Dave bar this Black Friday.

I think we're going to raise the bar.

We're going to raise not only the Tellum Steve Dave bar, but the podcast, the podcasting.

Fuck that entertainment industry in general.

Get ready to have that ball.

All this bad news that you've been seeing with guys and getting all handsy and shit.

You're not even going to think about it.

We should not market that fucking as our

as a way to sell a product.

Maybe you can get a quote from Lena Dunham.

Lena Dunham on

a review.

Never bring in assaulting someone as a way to.

That's not a good sell pitch.

What?

What's this handwriting?

Are we just saying that?

Well, don't say it out loud.

Yeah.

Well, then I got to cut shit out.

Oh, no.

Okay.

No, just in case shit goes wrong.

You don't want that.

You don't want that hanging over your head.

Right.

But raising the bar, Q.

At the podcasting world,

the bar is going to be raised by this release.

It's

an all-original episode of Tellum Steve Dave.

Filmed, not videotaped, filmed

in lush

Technicolor.

I mean,

IMAX quality?

We use 70 millimeter cameras to shoot this, in case you're wondering.

I believe it looks like it.

I believe you could put, I've seen it.

We had a professional crew, a professional crew.

Professional film crew of comic book men, the guys on Comic Book Men film this.

All original episode, never heard material

interlaced.

Is that the proper word?

That's it.

With animation.

Harris Kahn, I mean, if you Google him on YouTube or on YouTube, he's put out some animation of us before.

He went in and animated big chunks of the episode to play alongside the film.

And,

like I said,

I think it's the best thing we've ever put our name upon.

I agree with that.

I believe it's like the project of projects for us.

It's that well done.

It's that sharp.

It's that

it's going to knock.

If you love Tell Home Steve Dave, this this is a tsd tour de force

i should fucking that's good i should put that on i should tell declining

as a web domain or something tour de force

tsd tour de force t-e-s

i'm just trying to work it out it's no tsd cinco de myo whatever the fuck i'm sorry i'm just trying to get my head around what you're saying and if you're and i know people are like oh but i really want a christmas i think this i think this is better than all the christmas episodes combined it's pretty great he's not blowing smoke up his own ass.

It's pretty awesome.

It's been around for a while, too.

It's taken some time to do, yeah.

And it's the episode that people have been asking for.

Yeah, well, in the episode, we play

the most requested segment ever on Tell him Steve Dave.

We play a game of Queen It to Win It.

That's right.

I mean, do I need to say anymore?

Do I need to

tell them that Sunday Jeff's on it?

I can tell you that Sunday Jeff's on it.

Animated Sunday Jeff, too.

Great Sunday Jeff moments.

Great.

Great, just

no, no bullshit.

And I, I mean, I guess you would say, could I label myself as a producer?

Sure.

Absolutely.

So could you and I.

It doesn't mean that much.

You know, you can.

Well, then I would have to.

I mean, you guys are going to get producing credits, too.

Absolutely.

Sure.

We got to go back and reprint all the DVD covers within three days.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, yeah,

we're offering it online, digital release on TelmstevDave.com on Black Friday.

We are doing a

small limited run of

Blu-rays on merch table because I've got a lot of requests for physical media.

I just want to chest the water to see

what kind of reaction it'll be to Blu-rays.

Mostly from bot accounts that he started.

He gives a fuck about DVDs.

I'm not kidding around when I say like

this is one of those things that we put our name upon, and I could be like,

that's probably the best thing that we put our name name to to so far is this project right here and uh did it without all the uh the what's the what do we use what's the

kickstarter shit well yeah it's available now it's

available on black friday thanksgiving at midnight you got to stand in line yeah go to telehamstevedave.com order it you could there's a trailer and there's a trailer out right now is worth speaking there's a trailer on telehamstevedave.com if you're on the fence look at the trailer i guarantee you won't be on the fence anymore

but that's the Black Friday release.

And then Christmas will be December 21st to maximize all your seasons

money.

To get as whipped up in a holiday mood as possible.

Yeah,

I think that this might be the most Christmassy Christmas.

Remember how people were like, there wasn't enough Christmas?

Oh, yeah.

Do I remember?

Fuck, I'm still getting emails that I ruined their Christmas.

We We fucking

before you make it up.

You're going to make it up with this one.

There's no way to avoid Christmas.

Well, the whole idea is predicated on one thing:

Christmas.

Yeah.

Good Christian values.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, please don't tell me.

No, make sure there is no Christian values whatsoever.

No, there's no.

That's not what TSD challenge is.

We can take care of that.

Yeah, I'm hoping to loop in Father Lance into this, but if for some reason he can't make it, then no Christian values whatsoever.

None.

Oh,

you know what?

Yeah, that's, I don't mean that.

Yeah, Father, I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant that the rest of the world doesn't understand and is turned their backs, not me.

I would never turn my back on Christian values, but

let's be honest, Father, it doesn't sell.

It does not.

It doesn't move.

The Passion of the Christ was one of the fucking most successful movies ever made.

Right?

We'd have to go to the heartland and and find all the Tell Hem Steve Dave listeners.

I'll go anywhere

to find Tell Hem Steve Dave.

So

Thanksgiving at midnight, go order TSD TV.

That's the name of the movie.

TSD TV.

I guarantee you it will be the greatest

thing you've ever heard and viewed regarding Tell Hem Steve Dave.

It's a high energy episode.

It's almost manic.

It's pretty great.

It's almost manic how high energy this episode is.

then come back to tellhamstevedave.com on December 21st and pick up the

seventh annual Tell Hem Steve Dave Christmas Space Monkey Christmas.

We'll probably do a bundle again, a bundle again this year.

What's the subtitle?

The Space Monkeys Save Christmas?

A Very Space Monkeys Christmas.

I don't know.

I like that they save it.

I like that we save it.

Save it?

All right.

We're heroes.

It's very heroic.

Well, it actually links into the plot, so that's great.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, you accidentally stumbled on something when you said Saves Christmas.

Really?

Yeah.

Again, I'm totally into it.

So it's Tellum Steve Dave presents Space Monkeys Save Christmas.

I love it.

It's great.

It's great.

But yeah, so I mean, if you got all, if you were, if you were all fucking jacked up to buy something on Black Friday from Tellum Steve Dave, no worries.

We got something that's so good that you're going to,

I don't know.

I mean,

you're going to be speechless.

You're going to get it for everyone in your family.

Like, forget the world's best whatever.

Forget the fucking door buster waffle irons.

You're going to know the meaning of the words, creamy caboose.

All right.

So that was the big.

That was the big announcement.

That's actually.

I'm excited, though, Brad.

I mean,

I wasn't excited for the last two Christmases, I'll have to be honest, because I felt like I was running on fumes.

Okay.

Great.

Now I'm excited because

I get to stroll in and experience a space monkey's Christmas.

Yeah, I think you're going to like it.

I think you are going to like it.

And nobody has to send in raunchy pictures.

Nope,

unless you want to.

If you want to dress as a sexy elf, who's going to stop you?

Poor guys, just send in a picture of your fucking wrinkled gross sack.

With a bow on it.

Yeah, like so tight they're purple.

I wanted to ask, I think I'm not going to ask you because I got to ask you.

I think

you're more attuned to this kind of thing.

You'll know.

Q lives the Hollywood fast lane lifestyle.

I think with all this Hollywood stuff going on.

I think you lived the Hollywood schedule, though.

That's for sure.

You're getting that schedule.

You're living a Hollywood schedule in a New York.

I mean, in the last month and a half, I've been home

up until Madison Square Garden.

In a month and a half, I was home like, I think, six days.

Yeah, not even six days together.

That's a Hollywood schedule.

Yeah, it was rough.

But anyway, go ahead.

I'm sorry.

I may have two lawsuits going on simultaneously.

Against you or did you're filing?

Shockingly, that I'm filing.

Okay.

One is against the Jokers

for

misrepresentation about

Family Fair.

It wasn't, but I'll get in on a class action with you.

I was going to say, we can start a third then.

Right.

Sage may or may not have heard it.

Who knows?

She may overhear it when I'm going through that audio, though.

Yeah.

Oh, that's on you.

Yeah, he can't be held responsible for who you are.

Come on, who's in the room when you listen to it?

But on the Joker's Cruise, I took many pictures with people who were not necessarily.

You want to talk about lawsuits?

Because you have a contract regarding the Joker's Cruise.

Oh, I can't even talk about it.

No.

I said, if anybody's got lawsuits, how about fucking not delivering?

I haven't even gotten paid yet.

I don't even know who to ask.

I was going to ask you.

You could just give it to me.

Yeah, Dexter would be the guy.

We've got it.

Dexter, all right.

I took many pictures, and there was something that happened repeatedly where someone's hand, a female,

would be on my back taking the picture, and when the picture was done, it would slide off and touch my ass.

I'm not lying.

It happened several times.

Yeah.

I think I got PTSD.

Well, I mean, you know, how am I responsible for that?

You're not.

Right.

Jokers Incorporated, I'm talking about.

I guess maybe we could settle out of court is what i'm saying but

you you're in the wrong era bro nobody cares nobody's interested in how women are touching men they don't give a shit no

all right well let me throw this at you did it

yeah mini mouse i guess mini mouse though yeah sure

mini mouse no she's a she's a lady she's one of the fans she's a she's a huge tell them

is that a derogatory no no no no no that's her name

no she's actually like she's cool she's really cool yeah she's one of the like nice ones uh no it wasn't Minnie Messi, did it?

I may be able to

describe the person to a sketch artist, maybe.

The people.

But this was even bigger.

This is why I may have two going on.

I made a doctor's appointment.

And when I was talking to the person who I was making the appointment with, this was the same person who was in the room with me the last time I was at the doctor.

And she said.

She called to confirm the appointment, and she says.

All right, I'm not following you.

This is the person that was in the room with you.

Right.

Is it an employee of the facility?

Yeah.

Did this person have a finger up your ass at any point?

No, unfortunately, she did not.

It's the doctor and the ladies.

The ladies, like the assistant.

Do you know what the lady's called?

I don't.

You know her title?

No.

So we just call her a nurse.

Call her a nurse.

Ladies are nurses, right?

They're not doctors.

But here's the point.

When I'm on the phone with her confirming the appointment, she said, so you're going to be here on the 20th, right?

And I said, yeah.

She's like, all right,

I'll see your hairy butt then.

Now.

It's true that I have a hairy butt.

You haven't done anything to it with all your...

I got to get it waxed regularly.

Just the ass, though.

Not the legs or anything else.

You've definitely, I mean,

you're having some competition in terms of the cheesecake.

Oh, dude, are you kidding me?

And I'm surprised you haven't thought about taking care of all the areas, even the areas you can't see.

Completely hairless.

Well, I mean, creamy caboose.

So, this person who was making a joke

said that she'll see your hairy butt.

She's like,

I'll see your hairy butt then.

And

you didn't find it funny?

Oh, or guys.

No,

I was like, all right.

But then I was like, oh, that's a weird thing to say.

I wasn't afraid.

Has she ever seen your bottom?

Yeah, the first time.

That's the first time.

The first time what?

That is.

Why did you show it to her?

Because Because I had to.

Why?

Because you have to.

Is she someone that just checks you in?

Or is she somebody that actually doesn't?

No, she's the ballet partner.

No, she's she's a she's did she ask to see it or did she just come in and you were and you were had your oh yeah I was in the bathroom at the time I pulled my pants all the way to my ankles to piss

no she's in because I get I was getting the testopal thing okay and you have to pull your pants down a certain amount so that the doctor can get in there and he puts like this

sterile like not it's not a cloth but it's like a steri paper or whatever.

It looks kind of like one of those toilet seat things.

I think maybe the doctor used me as a toilet now that I think about it.

So they put that over, and then they give you an injection, and then they make a tiny incision.

They put these testopal things in.

Ghost Pussy's bragging about 300.

Silly.

Ghost Pussy was bragging about having a 300 testosterone count.

Okay.

Is that high?

No.

It's not.

What's high?

Probably like 1,000 or something, maybe.

How does he know what his count is?

Well, if you go get a blood test for it, they'll tell you.

But anyway, the point being that she was in the room at the time, the first time.

You said average 300?

No, I don't know.

I'll look it up while we're talking about it.

You just don't know.

Keep telling me.

So that's what she says to me.

Now,

I can't hashtag me too.

You can?

Can.

How do people react to it?

I think you're opening yourself up, though, to ridicule?

Well, and also, like,

yeah, you're, you're,

you should not.

I mean, I think these are.

I'm on Twitter.

Yeah, I just think that these, it was a joke, it wasn't funny, or

I don't think it's any more than that.

Do you want to live in a world?

I wouldn't think you'd want to live in a world where you would call somebody out for making a joke that wasn't funny.

I don't.

I'm trying to figure out how to get more people to say it.

But they want to see my hairy bite.

Well, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

I know there's some needy, attention-seeking.

There are some Space monkey overbiters who would probably be a lot.

I'd love to see it.

I love every overbite contestant equally.

They're all awesome, I think.

You send in a picture where you're like, I'm telling you, some of these girls are like, you can hardly tell, but they're like, I was ridiculed for it.

Shit affects people, man.

When they're young.

You know, like your father calls you stupid for 20 straight years.

It'll weigh on you.

Yeah.

So, so yeah, I thought it was a big deal for these girls to do this.

And obviously I'm joking around about the Me Too thing, but I did think it was a weird thing to say

to a patient.

And if I was a dude, she wanted to make a big deal.

Do you think because you're hairy?

Oh, she's like, that's clearly his ass.

How can I tell the difference?

That's on me now?

No, no, no.

Not that she confused your chin with your buttocks, but I mean that,

look at that hairy ass guy.

Because you've got a lot of hair on you.

It seems unprofessional.

Yeah, definitely unprofessional.

I was just about to hit tweet

on my Me Too hashtag until you said I had not considered.

She's like, you hairy ass motherfucker.

Like,

she's a white lady, an older white lady.

So

I'd be surprised if she said that, but I can't rule it out.

You're right.

Right?

You're sitting here with your hairy ass.

You know, the hairy ass doesn't.

And you know for sure she saw you.

She's a dried ass turkey.

100%.

How do you know?

Because she was in the room and I had my pants down.

And the doctor's doing

20 minutes.

But if you're facing that direction,

my cock isn't facing her.

Right.

So if you're facing the wall and your ass is out, how do you know who's in the room?

Do you think she's averting her?

Oh, I'm like, who's in the room?

Now you're talking about a different story where somebody wandered in.

I'm like, who would that be?

Have you considered that maybe

Mike and Ming story stories?

So there I am with my pants around my ankles in a room, minding my own business.

Oh, hey, what's up?

Who is that?

How am I supposed to know?

Oh, go get on, hairy ass.

Have you considered that she just says that to everybody?

I have not.

Probably, especially women.

Yeah.

Because it's not just that.

You know, it's a urologist, so they take care of all kinds of shit incontinence.

Is she somebody you would want to, that you're like...

You'd want to see that I would want to recognize my hairy ass.

Or is she somebody like, oh, God, it's so embarrassing that this person is.

Is that

an attractive?

I don't think so.

I mean, maybe to some people they dig it, but

Harry S.

is like.

There's all sorts of sub.

Stacy says no.

Right.

Not to her, but I mean, but I mean, Stacy, am I a freakish fetish or not?

I need to know.

There's got to be some fetishers out there.

Oh, though.

Sure, yeah.

That's all they're about, right?

Yeah.

Hadn't considered that either.

Well, then would they

run for the dudes?

The contest you should run for the dudes then is Mr.

Harry S.

Is your ass hairier than mine?

Yeah, now

we're talking.

That's the next contest, baby.

There you go.

So that means no, is this a Space Monkeys contest?

I think he's on board with this one because it means you've got to look at hundreds of photos of a Harry S.

Yeah, I think this is a sanctioned Tom Steve Dave competition.

Tell him, Steve Dave.

The world

day

with the corners of sale.

A picture,

let's start.

All this is well.

Let's go

and run.

I'm a star.

I'm a woman to change

you and sell a show.

Sky striking, everyone.

So you do

say,

Got nothing,

never lose.

I'm down,

draw the sound from a little way.

But brother,

got nothing,

left the young,

I'm praying

to

stay.

The sky's changing, that's what I

showed you.

I'm saving,

I'm not gonna

hear you.

Myself,

run up down from the window break.

My brother,

God shot it, let us stay.

I'm praying.

Do you stay

out my mind

out my

mind

every

day?

Yes, I say,

I swear,

don't wear it in the world.

Got the women in the room.

I'm brave.

I'm coming up.

God never live in it.

Stop

I'm a black one, that's black and blade.

I'd like to thank everybody

for staying on the kids.

This is where I

say

for me.

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