#346: Granny Comfort

So, when you get a few drinks in there and the theremin starts pumping,

I was stuck with this some naked dude.

dude.

I got advice to give.

I know things I'm smart.

I'm smart.

I'm not like everybody says I am.

I'm smart.

Tell them, Steve, Dave.

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell them Steve Dave.

Walt, you're refreshed after your three-day weekend.

You're ready to rock and roll.

I'm in a much better frame of mind.

People were concerned.

I saw both you guys last week.

Nice guys.

I was

very

bitchy.

And

you were on the rag?

Yeah, definitely.

That's okay, though.

You know, sometimes you get on the rag.

Of course, you do.

Everybody does.

Yeah, but I don't like to let it show when I'm bleeding.

usually you're just spotting, but you had a full-on period of

last week.

I was, yeah,

but you know, we had a three-day break, and now I'm ready and refreshed.

Dried up, yeah, and refresh as a daisy.

Yeah, people are complimenting him on his scent tonight.

Yeah.

Summer's Eve coming through.

Q, do people like your advice?

In fact, the only people who don't like it are the people who receive it because they.

Oh, no, we've got feedback.

Yeah, it seems that they feel you're too harsh.

You don't understand the full picture.

No, you don't understand the picture.

You're trying to rose tint it.

You're trying to look it through your own fucking view.

I'm telling you, this is what it is.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

You want somebody to look at the situation and call them for what it is?

No problem.

But then don't sit there and be like, but and make the same excuses to me that you make to yourself to stay in your shitty situation with your shitty boyfriends and your shitty girlfriends.

All right?

Harsh but true.

That's it.

Can't make it any plainer than that.

Don't fucking pull me into your bullshit.

You asked me.

You didn't go out there seeking.

What kind of feedback did you get from?

Did you get some negative feedback?

Well, last week's girl, I got it.

I don't think it wasn't negative per se.

She was just trying to explain away.

She's trying to explain herself.

She's like, hey, I think Q doesn't understand.

No, he understands everything.

There's nothing that fucker doesn't understand.

He gets it.

You're an apologist.

You're a shitty relation apologist.

That's it.

Stay in it.

Don't matter.

So she sounds like a horrible person, but she thanks you for taking the time.

Well, you're welcome, sweetheart.

As to cues, charges.

And then there's a lot of charges.

Really?

All right, what do we got?

Her husband is aware of the entire situation and trusts her completely.

I guess that wasn't really the point, though, right?

Well, he's not aware of the entire situation.

He knows that.

If one seriously tried to make a move, that would be the end.

Both have expressed they never would.

But they have the intent.

But what's a serious move aside from telling someone how you feel?

Why is that not a serious move?

Like, what do you need attempted rape for it to be a serious move?

Or even like

going in for a smooch, maybe.

It's serious enough, yeah.

Okay, so number one

is negated.

He made him a serious move.

He told you how he feels.

They're not mystery guys that she goes and hangs out with behind the back.

She asks her husband every single time if he minds that I'm hanging out with him.

Again, not the point.

I never said that they were mystery guys.

She's trying to minimize.

She hates to disagree with Walt.

What?

You are level-headed and have sound advice.

How is me texting my friend every day different than you texting Gidham every day?

Well, Gidham doesn't, as far as I know, Gidham has never told you that he loves you or has feelings for you or whatever.

Well, I mean,

there could be a father-son vibe going on.

I think there are texts,

I will put my texts out there between me and Giddam.

And

there's no love in those texts.

There's a lot of fucking screaming with exclamation points.

They're like, motherfucker, just go do what I ask.

I don't need a million excuses why you can't go get off your fucking ass and go check and see if my mail came.

Right?

There's no excuses.

I mean, I wish the mics were on 10 minutes ago.

You were fucking dressing them down.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, wear my fucking patches.

Why would you sew these?

You can sew patches for Bribe and not me.

No, because I said, hey, man, there's this great deal on monster patches.

Universal monster patches from Argentina.

Don't make them in America.

I said, on eBay.

If I buy them, I said, I have no one to sew them on.

He goes, I'll sew them on.

So I'm like, should I buy them then?

If I buy these, get them, you'll sew them on.

That was in fucking February.

February.

Those patches are still in my bag, unsewn.

So that's why when I hear him say that he may take on another sewing project for Brian Johnson.

Without having to do it.

What is Brian Johnson?

Don't forget him, that he's going to fucking take his sewing project on before mine.

Nothing.

Nothing.

But that's the beauty of it.

He wants to do it.

He just wants to do it.

He's already got me.

Just like when he fixed my zip.

He doesn't have you in his back pocket.

Right.

And it should be get him in your back pocket, really, but somehow he's flipped the script on you.

She can't control these guys' thoughts about her.

We're friends, and that's it.

My husband gets my attention first.

I'll text my.

All these are excuses.

It's an excuses.

Your job's not to control what your friends think.

If your friend tells you that he has feelings for you and you have a husband, are you either going to stick up for your husband and cut the guy off, or are you gonna fucking carry on?

Now, it sounds like you're just gonna carry on.

And I say good luck to you, but if you get married, like you're either in it or you're not in it, and it just sounds like oh, it sounds like you're ready to be in it.

Well, she just sort of repeated a lot of the points she had already made about her husband knowing she's already married.

She sounded like she felt like she was being attacked, but guess what?

Maybe you shouldn't have fucking asked a podcast for advice then, right?

Maybe you should have gone to, like I said, like your father, your mother, or if you don't have a drink, or Or you're a professional, you know, not three strangers,

two of which don't give a fuck.

Three of them?

Who are the two?

I'm trying to figure this out.

Somebody made a move on you, and you're carrying on with them.

And

I don't know, you have a husband, so you're not looking out for him.

Giddam has never made a move on you, right?

As far as you can.

I wouldn't know.

You know what?

I don't know what moves are.

It's been a long time.

You've been out of the loop too long.

Yeah, I've been, you know, I didn't even know what moves were before I was out of the loop.

So I don't even know.

He may have even put moves on me left and right.

I just don't pick up on him.

Right.

And you may have moves that you're unaware of.

Yeah, I may be doing moves and I don't even know what I'm doing.

And I'm fucking driving him crazy like a fucking mad bull.

Yeah, he's horny, yeah.

Wanting to engorge me.

Gorge you.

He's engorged.

And he will engorge you.

Well, that being said,

this is from a guy.

I like this weekly advice thing.

Cuz Tips?

I love it.

Q's tips.

People like it.

I haven't been online either.

Q's tips,

I believe, could be

regular

production here on Tellum C Shit.

This woman feels I let it down, but I don't think so.

I think she's wrong.

I think she's making excuses.

And you got to stick to your guns.

I am.

All right.

Well, this is a matter of.

Okay.

It's a male from

England.

You tell me it's not a relationship, though.

It's always fucking fucking relationship.

33 years old and has been married for 14 years with two children.

Loves his wife.

She was 19.

Loves his wife dearly.

I guess so.

But they have had problems because she wants a third child and he doesn't.

It's causing a fracture in the relationship and they don't talk anymore.

To make matters worse, her sister is pregnant with her fourth child.

So that makes my wife feel more depressed.

All right, so let's just take that.

Coming from a family of four kids,

it's too many.

Four is too many.

I'm sorry to my brothers.

I got to apologize publicly, but you should have been aborted.

Because

especially young,

both of them, whatever.

And my sister while you're at it.

When you are, especially when you're a young parent, you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

So you're taking on, and talking 19, you're taking on the responsibility for these children's lives.

And

to raise one kid, I think, would be hard enough.

Two, a challenge.

Three and four, if you're like, eh, I'm not that into it.

Don't do it then.

You can't do it.

Is this Q's tips or Bryce Tips?

You guys can weigh in.

Am I just the asshole that's going to read the fucking advice?

I got advice to give.

I know it thinks I'm smart.

I'm smart.

I'm not like everybody says I am.

I'm smart.

But

you got to let Q weigh in first.

It's Q's tips.

Then Bry goes,

I don't even think I can weigh in on this one.

I think my gut says you're probably right, though.

But then you just stole Q's Thunder, though.

No, no, no.

Q is part two.

This is where Q comes in.

Oh, he doesn't get to weigh in on the children thing?

He doesn't have any kids.

What does he know?

Okay.

All right.

I recently bumped into the one that got away in the supermarket.

We were childhood friends and grew up together.

Things got physical between us when we were young, but we were never on the same page at the same time, so they never had a chance at a relationship.

Fast forward to now, and my friend and I were texting, and she told me that she was going to make me fall in love with her, and how our life could be if I left my wife and kids to be with her.

Wow, what a great lady!

She has a great job and told me

I wouldn't have to work if I was with her.

I've always thought we'd end up together before I was married, and I feel intrigued.

I hate the thought of leaving my wife and kids, as you should, but I can't get the thoughts of this woman out of my mind.

Having lost my father recently and having a history of mental ill health issues, this is properly messing with my head.

That's how you know he's from England.

Why?

Because they always say proper and properly.

I know that.

Proper fucked.

So cute.

He bumps into the one that got away.

And she's like, This is an easy one.

Leave your wife and kids to be with me.

You'll never have to work again, you schmuck.

I have two different angles I want to take on this one.

First of all, and I'm going to tell him this because he doesn't have a lot of experience with women.

He got married at 19.

Okay.

The one that got away is a pain in the ass, just like your wife.

If you leave your wife to be with the one that got away, guess what, pal?

Within fucking X amount of time, she's going to be annoying you.

There's going to be something that she wants.

She wants a kid.

Now you have fucking three kids with one,

and one kid with the other one.

And on top of it, your first two kids hate you for leaving.

Yeah,

she is, you can't see it, a pain in the ass.

Also, like, doesn't sound like a great person.

She doesn't sound like a good person, but who's a good person?

You can't even, you know what I mean?

Like, she's, she just sounds like you, like, I don't know, and that's, by the way, gender neutral.

Every dude's a pain in the ass.

Like, forget about dreams.

Forget about the one that got away.

If you had stayed with them, you would have, you'd be in hell right now.

You would be talking to somebody else and considering them the one that got away.

That's it, man.

That's all it is.

Like, everybody's a pain in the ass.

And that's just the way it is.

The pain in the ass you know versus the one you don't, but will eventually get to know.

So, so don't, don't, don't leave your wife for that one because you're going to regret it.

Because then you're going to be like, well, I left my wife for this one.

Now this one's a pain in the ass.

My wife won't take me back.

She's banging this other dude who's fucking way handsomer than me.

I don't know how that works.

Giant hog puts yours to shame, and then that's the way it goes.

Oh, yeah.

She's like, you think I'd go back to that little dick?

But it does remind me of a story, a proverb, where...

Aesop's fables?

It's not a fable, although I could.

Can I at least be in charge of fables still?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Where

if you're in a love triangle and there's two women or two men and you have to make a choice between the both of them.

2017 triangle.

Right.

Or

right.

It could be anything.

Or a non-gendered person.

Whatever.

Whatever triangle could be made up of anything.

Between a fucking oak tree.

I don't know where we are.

People marry roller coasters, Q.

People marry roller coasters.

Like, you should always choose

the new girl.

Because

if she had the power to take you away from the first one,

then you weren't, then being with the first one is kind of lame anyway.

You know what I mean?

I don't.

Well, they're saying it's like if you're with a girl and another girl comes in, okay, and you have to make a choice between the two of them.

Just go with the new girl because

so you're reversing your position.

Well, I'm just this thing, I'll take it from two different sides and then debate it.

Boy, Aesop fucked up on that one.

That's an Aesop fable.

Well, no, no, it's

what was he thinking?

He's saying that if you're not

so secure, if the first rabbit is not so secure.

It's a rabbit triangle.

All right, there's three rabbits, right?

There's a boy rabbit and two girl rabbits, right?

And the boy rabbit's married to the blue rabbit.

She's a female.

Okay.

And he's happy with her and he loves her.

And then a pink rabbit comes along and is competing

for his attentions.

That if he was secure and really in love with that first female rabbit,

that second rabbit wouldn't even have a shot.

Well, obviously then the rabbit, the male rabbit, isn't in love and secure.

And And then that's it, so just go with the new one.

But you got to throw your two baby rabbits into the mix.

Well, I know.

I'm just these are just the two different angles to look at it from.

Me, I think that this one that got away, she doesn't sound like a good person,

and she is a pain in the ass with her own problems and her own issues.

Why the fuck is she 33 and single?

You know, what's going on?

She does a good job, too.

Yeah.

And being like, yeah, you don't have to work?

Maybe he'll give me her number.

That's the only part that appealed to me.

So don't think that she got away.

She didn't.

You escaped.

You got away.

Yeah, you escaped, my friend.

Now, I don't know what to tell you about your marriage.

You got married young.

Why does she want four kids?

Three kids.

He wants the two.

She wants another one.

She wants a third, and she's pissed because her sister has a fourth.

I mean, at this point, dude, you've already fucking...

You're all in?

Just have the kid.

I mean, what the fuck?

Give up.

You fucked up your life.

You're done.

You're done.

Like, in fact, if I was you, I would get on top of her the second.

I would stop this podcast right now, go impregnate her so that the process starts.

And

then leave it on.

Oh.

And leave the podcast on, but still go

and,

what's it called?

When you conceive

a child while listening to the podcast.

I may be the first child conceived while listening to Telom Steve.

That would be awesome.

I would hope that's not the case.

Well, then she has to listen to him talking about the one that got away.

I don't know if she's going to

be aware of it.

She's just crying crying as he fucking does his dirty business.

Put her earbuds in.

She doesn't have to hear it.

She's listening to Marvin Gaye or something.

She's like, well, can't you put on a speaker?

No.

Yeah.

Just knock her up.

Yeah.

Knock her up and just accept your fate, you fool.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe that kid, maybe that third kid turns out to be like...

Fourth.

No.

No, third.

Oh, third.

His sister has four.

Oh, okay.

Maybe that kid turns out to be fucking the next Prime Minister of England.

But if you're going to do it, you got to tell her.

Or the next son of Sam, you never know.

You got to get marriage back on track.

Tell her, look, all right, I want to have this kid, let's do it, but I don't want to have a fourth.

Get her to agree to that in advance if you're going to do it.

This way, she can't pull the shit on you again.

Who is going to resent that kid, though?

That third kid.

No?

Nah.

Okay.

He actively does not want the kid.

Yeah, but

when you get the kid in your hand, then, and he's your son or daughter.

I mean, you know, that instinct kicks in.

Does it now?

Because I have first-hand experience.

I would argue.

Q's tips is falling apart.

It really is.

First, he said he was very clear what they should do.

Then he throws out Aesop's fables, saying to take the new one.

He doesn't even bring animals into it.

Hey, man.

This segment is.

You're going to ask me for advice.

But this guy did.

Look,

do what you want with the kid.

I will say this.

Do not leave your wife for this woman because that woman's a nightmare.

Yeah, and then she's going to have all the power, too.

It's like you're a house husband, you're a stay-at-home husband.

She's going to want a kid.

Probably want a kid.

That's it.

All right.

That's it.

That's that's Q's tips for the week.

Yeah.

I um,

we had a three-day weekend.

That's how Walt recharged, and he's ready on Tuesday to

do the podcast.

And I went to Wildwood over the weekend.

Isn't that like a summer party town?

I thought it was.

I thought people partied.

I hadn't been there since like

77, 78, somewhere around there.

The only time I was there was when we went to a comic book show.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was probably in the early 90s or something.

Oh.

But aside from that,

I have not been to Wildwood

since then.

I thought Wildwood's a boardwalk and all those

times.

Right, like just a little bit north of Cape Bay.

So I brought Sage down there because when I went there, it was fun.

They got piers, they got boardwalk shit.

You ride bikes on the boardwalk.

I figured Sage would like it.

And none of, first off, I don't know how expensive it was when we used to go.

My grandmother was like in a parade every year for the VFW.

So we would go down there and rent a house for like five days or something.

And she would march in the parade and we'd do shit.

She'd get all tarted up and march in a parade.

Yeah, she'd put on her lipstick and fucking whore about

and mince about.

Yeah.

Fish out signals.

She'd march.

Oh, yeah, to all like the VFW, so like, you know, the old guys and shit.

She'd be like, it's party time.

She's like, greatest generation.

Absolutely.

She's like, I'm a comfort woman.

It's like, Grandma, what's when are you going to start marching, do you think?

Not saying these things to me.

The parade's almost over.

Yeah, they left left a while ago.

You know you've been standing there, right?

No, but like a lot of the motels look like they haven't been updated at all since the 70s, which on the exterior is cool.

Signs are cool, like the old neon signs.

It's almost like Vegas.

Very like,

I guess like in the...

It's stuck in time.

It really is.

Except for the prices and the interiors are definitely stuck in time.

I was like, oh my God.

I texted Walt.

I said,

this could be because I go to cons and other people pay for hotels.

But I can't believe I spent this much on this room.

Yeah.

How much was the room?

It was like,

I think it came out to like $2.50 a night.

Holy shit.

For a two-star motel with a refrigerator that didn't work, internet that didn't work.

You had to pay a quarter to get ice from the ice machine.

It's like nickel and dime the shit out of you.

The little soap and stuff.

It's like, you can't use this.

This is not going to get anything or anyone clean.

But I was like, all right.

I got a couple nights.

Take Sage down there.

And she liked the boardwalk.

How proud it was, the boardwalk?

The boardwalk during the day was not bad at all.

At night, packed.

But during the day, not too bad.

The nights when the hooligans are out, right, drinking and like carrying on.

There was, I'll tell you what, man,

there was an Ultimate Frisbee Championship.

I think that's why there were not so many rooms.

And the people who were next to me were, they were like young,

I don't know, maybe like early 20s.

And

all they did was sit around talking and they were drinking coconut water and eating hummus and shit.

Like nobody was partying.

I wasn't upset because it would have been loud, but there was a level of disappointment where I'm like, what are you guys doing?

Like, you're young.

You're here for the Frisbee Championship.

Like it's 2017, old man.

Yeah.

We're healthy.

2017.

I was like, let's spark up, man.

Like, get out of here.

Grandpa.

Go scuttling back to your room.

I just back up.

I'm like, I'll be in here if you need me.

You got a quarter egg a bar of rice.

Yeah.

Sick of drinking all this warm soda, man.

I mean, beer.

I'm partying in here.

No, nobody seemed to party.

They all seemed to be, I mean, thousands of people on this beach, it looked like.

And everything there is expensive.

Like the rides, some guy happened to, he saw me and he was like, hey,

he had an extra ticket from his business or whatever.

I guess his business was on a retreat there or whatever.

So he gave me a ticket for Sage.

So like a wristband type thing.

So if you go on the rides, because that's like 60 bucks a person.

But if you like, I only went on the Ferris wheel and then I went on the roller coaster and almost throw up.

So I'm like, fuck it, I'm out.

And, you know, I'm not going on these rides.

Ferris wheel I could handle, but even the Ferris wheel, it's like $8 roller coaster, $10.

Like, that's what it comes out to.

That thing where you sit in a seat and it's like a giant rubber band that shoots you up and down.

$30 to do that.

I can't believe that Sage wants to go on that.

She didn't want to go on that.

Yeah, that's a little bit too extreme.

Isn't entry to like Great Adventure?

Probably like $70 or something.

$70.

But one ride's $30?

Yeah.

But then this wrist band was good for three peers.

And there was a lot lot of shit that was good for Sage.

But after the roller coaster, I was like, nah, I can't do this.

The only rides that I like in those situations are the horror houses, because the lamer they are, the better they are.

Yeah.

Dracula's Castle burned down.

These two kids burned it down in the 90s, I guess, and they never rebuilt it.

There you go.

But

we went to this...

what was supposed to be a nice seafood restaurant

and

it wasn't, it was expensive, really expensive.

But when you got the food, you're like, you got to be fucking kidding me, man.

Small or shitty?

Just not good quality.

Like, the food sucked.

And this is on Saturday, so it was like windy.

And like every time someone came in, the wind would like blow the door closed and it would kind of like startle people a little bit.

So

on the way out, I said to Sage, I was like, you want to scare everyone?

And of course she does.

So

the only bad part was like you're not in the restaurant to see people's reaction but we proceeded to slam the door as hard as we we could it was so loud even from the outside

we were dying laughing as we ran away

i just i was like i should have like let her do it and stayed inside to watch people's faces or whatever you recorded on your phone yeah yeah that would have been great i did record something on my phone but it turned into nothing there was like this

i'm not exactly sure what a bro is, but if I had to guess, it was probably this guy.

He was like late teens, early 20s, and he was very animated, right?

Good-looking kid, very animated talking to like all these girls that looked a lot younger than him, though.

They looked like they were like 14 or 15.

And he's like tipping his sunglasses onto the tip of his nose to talk to him and like...

All this shit.

He's working at a store with his friend.

And they're both...

Actually, what got my attention was first the friend was like to the side of me, and I hear him, he's like, yelling, he's like, Fuck you, then, you stupid fucking whore.

And I guess he was on the phone, he wasn't saying it to someone

who was right there.

But then they broke out of that angry mode and went right into like flirting with girls and shit.

And I couldn't hear what he was saying, but he's the kind of guy you just wanted to smack because he just looked like a douchebag.

And all of a sudden, this older lady comes up to him on the boardwalk,

younger than me, but maybe 40.

And she's pissed because whatever this guy said to her daughters,

who walked away from him, I guess was unacceptable, and she swings at him, swings at him, but like misses.

And I'm like, this is it.

This is my chance.

I always forget to take my camera or my phone out to record shit because I'm not from that generation.

I just sit there and watch it unfold.

But I'm like, maybe I could, I'll record something good.

Never turned into anything good.

What was it was really, my two favorite moments were slamming the door and this moment where this dude was cowed by this woman to a point where like he went from bopping around the fucking boardwalk and saying shit to girls to like literally sitting in a chair and looking at his feet like he

got shut down so quickly she would not stop even when he's sitting there she's trying to go after him and the friend is trying to stop her but then other people are too and i'm like get the fuck off of her yeah i'm thinking like let her go let her smack this guy like let her punch him whatever she's gonna do

i don't got my phone out for no reason

Yeah,

it would have been better.

But then the fucking cops show up because they have state police all over the place down there,

like patrolling the boardwalk and shit.

And I'm like, well, once they show up, it's definitely

turned my fucking phone off.

Nothing worth seeing.

Disappointed.

Sage like Wildwood.

She liked it a lot.

Yeah.

I know there's a lot of ghost tours down here.

Is that Cape May?

That might be Cape May.

I didn't see any of that.

There's a great zoo down there, too, Cape May County Zoo.

I've been there with you, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You didn't take her there?

No, because

she only cared about the

rides and shit.

Yeah, she didn't really care too.

She went swimming in a pool that I'm like, I hope she survives.

Because, again, it's just like, are they maintaining this pool?

Like, you can see the surface.

There's like sort of like a sheen on it.

Like, I'm going to have to wash her with fucking

dishwashing detergent, like a fucking duck after the Exxon Valdez, you know?

Exactly, man.

It was disgusting.

But

she loved it.

She's swimming around.

I would have brought her to the ocean, but it's like, you know, in Santa Monica and Venice, where it's like the beach is like a mile to the water.

That's a dangerous riptide over there, man.

That's the real ocean.

Yeah, you don't want to fuck around over there.

Stay in a pool.

Even a dirty pool is more

better to take a chance on than

letting her loose in the ocean.

You know what else I noticed too?

All the arcades, they're not video video games anymore or pinball machines.

It's all those claws.

iPods and iPads.

And nobody ever gets them, but they can get the bullshit, like stuffed animal stuff that I guess costs a quarter, but you pay a dollar to play.

And Sage, like, won this huge Shopkins thing

that cost me 30 bucks at some fucking stand.

So then she gets a taste for winning, and she wants to fucking play every game.

So I got to shut that down.

I remember.

now, I have such, like you said, there's such great childhood memories of going to

boardwalks.

And I can like just so awesome memories of like walking up and seeing.

This is at a time when they don't have these anymore, but

the stands where you play the pinwheel, you put your quarter on a wheel, and you try to like, you know, black

black heart, red heart.

Yeah.

But it was all albums, all 33 albums, you you know, 33, you know, the speed of 30 big albums.

And so it's the height of the 70s, so like Love Gun is up there, Rush albums, Black Sabbath albums.

And I wanted to win an album so bad.

And I remember

I finally won something, and I didn't really, and every album that I asked for that I wanted, the guy didn't have.

And so ultimately, I said, well, I'll give me that album because it looked weird, and it was a rush album, but it had a guy with his butt, bare butt.

Yeah, he's like doing this.

Yeah, he's kind of like pointing or something.

It looks like kind of like a Michelangelo kind of deal.

And

so when I brought it over to my mom, I remember my mom being like, Why did you want that?

Why did you want the gun with the naked?

She's not 2017 yet.

And so I was like, I don't even know what it is.

I was going,

I just got it because it looked cool, and it was red.

It was a red vinyl inside.

And I remember she gave me the hardest time because there was a naked guy in the front cover.

Did you have to keep it?

I remember listening to it, and at that point in my life,

I didn't know what it was.

Rush, to me, I didn't have any rat records.

Yeah, well, I'm sure once you got it, like once you listen to it, you're like, I'm just as upset as you, mom.

Yeah, I was like, this is not what I wanted.

This is a, you know, it was just, it kind of

was a major letdown because I had finally won an album and I couldn't get any of the albums I wanted.

I was stuck with some naked dude album that my mom was like questioning whether I was a

straight or not.

No, that wasn't it.

So they have more than one album?

More than one album.

with naked dudes on it.

Wow.

Unless the fold in the interior was that.

I can't remember now, but it's hard to remember.

But it was kind of like pointing, and I don't remember if he had, you could see his scrotum or not.

And maybe that's the case.

I can't remember what it was.

I feel like you could see his scrotum, Ma.

But I remember my mom being very perturbed and wondering

what her boy was turning into.

Really?

Yeah.

She's like, why didn't you get the Donna Summer one?

That's it.

That's it.

That's the one.

It's

hemispheres.

Yeah.

And she was like, why didn't you you get Donna Summer?

Or

the Poyner sisters?

And I was just like, something with tits, for Christ's sake.

Not scrotums.

I was like, but I want to rock, ma.

So then you got the wrong.

You wanted to prog rock.

It's considered progressive rock.

Yeah, but at that point, I didn't want to prog rock.

I wanted a Kiss album, but the guy wouldn't give me a Kiss album.

He just probably had a million of those naked dude albums and he couldn't give them a favor.

He's like, explain this to your mother, you little fucking homo.

Thanks, mister.

You kind of still kind of make.

I wonder if that's why I can't stay in Rush at this point.

I still have never been able to get into Rush.

I wonder if it's because of that

subconscious.

You're a tough man to get into.

You don't like that.

The voice is it for me.

The voice.

That nasally voice.

Never could get into it.

I know people love them, and they're revered

in the music industry.

Well, they're great musicians, for sure.

Yeah.

You wouldn't try your recent progress.

You should hear this shit that I'm fucking listening to.

It's unreal.

It's the softening of fucking Walt Flanagan.

Like at one time, like this guy was fucking like hard rock butter, and then it was like kind of rock and roll.

I can't believe it's not butter.

And now he's just fucking pussy ass margarine.

The shit.

He's like,

what a lucky man he was.

Like in the beginning of the day, when I'm like trying to get like amped up and ready to fucking.

I need to come in fucking with like, you know, with like this kind of like aggressive music, man.

I need to mellow.

Because I'm fucking, my job is to mock everyone, and I can't be like, oh, mellow and shit and be like, yeah, he was a lucky man, wasn't he?

I went to see Faster Pussycat last week.

How was that?

On purpose?

Yeah.

Oh, man, they're great.

And

you just sold me.

Oh, man, they're great.

And

they're called a sellout.

House of Pain?

House of Pain.

I remember Faster.

They had like a cartoon character.

Poison Ivy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, right?

What was the name of that song?

They come out on stage to it now.

Yeah, I remember that was the one song, the one video.

Your mom's like, why can't you listen to this?

The guy came up to me and he was like, you cut your hair.

Like, yeah, he goes, you sell out.

Called me a sellout.

He goes, like, you're like Metallica, you sold out, he said to me.

Were you known for having like metal hair?

I guess my hair was really long and this guy liked it because he just to my face called me a sellout.

And he wasn't even kidding?

He wasn't.

No.

Well, then I told him.

Then I was like, well, I was like, it's for the show.

You'll see it.

You'll see it.

And he's like, oh, it's for the show.

If it's funny, okay.

But he was really like...

He gave you the pet.

He fucking came at me as like a true sellout.

I was like, oh.

He didn't even have long hair.

Oh, no.

No, not thinking about it.

He's up for guy at the podium that I took the picture with.

The very fact that you're at a faster pussycat show says you're not selling out because

nobody's going to see them at this point, right?

I mean, that's what they're sold out.

I've seen them a bunch of times, and there's always a good crowd.

I mean, I always put them on a level with like LA Guns and all these bands.

All the garbage clam bands.

All these garbage clam bands that all these shit about.

L.A.

Guns that I'm going to see tomorrow night.

LA Guns.

You're going to see L.A.

Guns?

You're kidding me.

No, they're gruesome.

They're still a band.

They're fucking playing the Gramercy.

Are they?

They're playing the Grammarcy tomorrow.

I had no idea that they were still

the L.A.

Guns of podcasts.

I don't mean that.

I'm just saying they were always

one of those

people

that couldn't break through to that next level.

There was always these, like, you know, there was the, you know, the big hairbands that made it.

Like, I'll show you Axel Rose.

I'll start L.A.

Guns.

And I always put them in there, like, you know,

not as, not as cheesy as, like, let's say a warrant or, but just pretty goddamn.

Never really had that.

Never really had those big hits.

Tracy Gunns up up there rocking a theremin man it's pretty fucking cool what's that mean oh that's a weird that science fiction like instrument like

really he plays he does like a five minute theremin solo it's awesome it's pretty awesome wait a minute so their are their their whole shtick has changed now no they play the same songs but they're

just with the theremin now

i was i was very interested interested in that i'm telling you man he does tracy guns gets out there he puts a theremin on the stage and it's like it's it's intense because he's like playing it and you know the way you play it is you move

your hand, your hand over it.

So, he's oh, here we go.

Yeah, here you go.

This is over the rainbow, some dude playing on the thermino.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is what you go see?

No, no, no, he's doing rock, he's rocking out.

LA Guns presents over the rainbow, yeah.

Wow, it's pretty cool, man.

It's like

that's one word for it.

Maybe that's why they didn't break on through to that more bigger exposure.

If that's they got my money, really?

Because they're like, it's an all-pheroman band.

I got a album on LA Guns.

My go-to album?

Yeah, what's your.

I know.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to

pin them down here, and it's not that hard.

I mean, it's

scrambling already.

I'm not going to scramble it.

It's the fucking Maroon 5 Spectrum, man.

Yeah, Q, what LA Guns album do you like?

Do you have a song you like at least?

People want from me.

Whoa, they've got a lot of studio albums.

So you're going to see the Missing Peace tour, huh?

2017?

Yeah.

Is that what it is?

What on earth?

What was it that you saw?

Like, where did you even hear this band?

Was it MTV?

Yeah.

MTV?

Yeah.

So 15.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's real into all the corny ass.

Cinderella?

White Lion.

Oh, White Lion.

Oh, my God.

That was hatred.

Yeah.

When the children children cry.

Oh, yeah, you just wanted to be.

You just were so ashamed that that was called metal back in the day.

You just wanted to just run and hide if someone said.

Like, if you were in your car, you would risk an accident getting to the fucking radio knob to turn it down.

Gorky Park?

Well, you know, Gorky Park?

The Russian metal van, no?

But

let's see who else you can see.

Well, LA Guns, the three ones that

Trickster.

Oh, I remember Trickster.

Yeah.

Well, last year.

Oh, wait, wait, hold on.

Kicks?

Oh.

I saw a documentary and they included some of the guys from Kicks.

I was like, I had to avert my eyes from the TV screen.

It was so...

It was so bad.

Well, you've been...

Great white?

Yes, Great White.

You've been to a lot of these shows with us.

You've seen Stacey Vitella when she's rocking out.

I have, but at least to a good band, Guns N' Roses.

But she does that to these bands too.

And it's such, you don't get to see her like that that often because she's quite reserved.

So when you get a few drinks in her and the theremin starts pumping and she starts rocking out, like it's such

over the rainbow.

What what about like, uh, did you like grunge?

Or did you stick with met hair metal?

What was that cute?

Did you like both?

Because I felt like, you know, grunge was so

necessary to flush out the bad taste that the hair metal bands left in the music industry.

It was so needed that

shot of

dour and cynical and

just not so much about how big your hair was.

And how much of a girl you look like.

Yeah.

That's been my theory with these bands is that

they appealed to girls because they weren't as, like you see something like, say, Motorhead, you look at Lemmy as a 14-year-old year old girl you're like oh my god oh my god he's got a wart on his face he's missing teeth like this

yeah this this guy's fucking disgusting but like you see the like say poison in the day they look so much like girls that you like you would have to do a double take sometimes and uh it's just safer it doesn't seem as like like you you can put that no not at all because all they talked about was fucking girls and all that kind of stuff we saw we saw we were in la last time we went to go see steel panther and i i don't know if we talked about this.

We might have.

And Steel Panther is

a band.

No, no, they're...

They're like a tribute band.

They're like a tribute band, but they kind of making fun of it, but like in it.

And they dress up in the spandex and the hair and shit like that.

They're like the Spinal Tap?

Yes.

That's a great, great comparison.

They're very talented as well.

But they do covers, they do originals, and it's all that hair metal shit.

And how many fucking girls were on stage showing their tits, making out with each other?

Like, they're still living like the dream.

Like, it's alive.

But they're like as old as us.

Yeah.

so it's like

like if i i'm on stage on those guys i feel like i'm not doing i wouldn't do that but that's why those guys are up there and i'm not aside from the musical talent is that like they're able to still embrace that sort of like 80s shit of like let's let's like practice music a little bit and just fuck as many girls as we want.

They're rewarded.

While we're talking about music,

I haven't recommended an album in a long time.

Okay, you're not recommending Rush.

No, not recommending.

Well, no, but I don't know if you're into Zeppelin, but there's a band called Greta Van Fleet

that you guys have got to YouTube and listen to.

Is this some sort of

amazing?

Like, you see this little boy,

like, he's got to be like 19.

He's just out of high school.

And it is shocking the way that he sings.

It's called Highway Tune by Greta Van Fleet.

Made me buy the album.

I heard it on the radio, and

I asked my wife.

I pulled over, and I was just like, I got to look up what what I'm into little boys.

I don't know.

Because I thought it was an unreleased Zeppelin song.

Wow.

It was so good and so amazing.

And I was like, it has to be some sort of tune that they just discovered unearthed by Zeppelin.

Does he play the theremin at any point or not?

That's pretty good, man.

I had it.

You got it?

That's it.

Here you go.

Let's see.

Just like, okay, I'm going to just sort of jump ahead.

They're so young.

I'm going to jump ahead to the.

wow they are pretty fucking they're amazing and they're 19 years old I got a guy like that too I was I was in a bar and I and I heard this fucking guy and I was like this motherfucker sounds so good his name's Matthew Curry and he plays like like classic rock and but he fucking see if any uh Matthew Matthew Curry Matthew Curry is the next band

I mean, I went to go see him when he was at the House of Blues in Manhattan recently.

And there's Matthew Curry.

Let's see what he's doing.

Same thing.

I'm like, how old is this guy?

And then you talk to him.

He's fucking 18 years old.

But the guy in Greta Van Fleet,

you don't expect that voice to come out of that little kid's body.

This is a bit smaller.

He usually goes.

He's usually going a little fucking heavy.

He sounds like pussy shit to me.

Yeah,

it's not.

He fucking rocks out, man.

He does Zeppelin on stage and stuff like that.

Well, these guys aren't doing Zeppelin tunes.

This is all original music.

Greta Van Fleet.

Greta Van Fleet.

It's all original music, and it sounds

like it's the second, like, it's as if God said, you know what, we need more Zeppelin tunes.

Right.

And these kids are making them.

They on the iTunes?

Yeah, they're on the iTunes.

They only have an EP.

Now you sound like fucking what's his name?

Nichelle today was talking about Song Remains the same as going to be released with extra tracks that were in the movie.

I got the vinyls when they.

uh

it's just uh all right, so this is uh this is your cute carrier.

Steve Hendrix.

Can you say a picture of it looks like?

You won't believe it.

He's like, he's like, I think he's 20 now, he's 21 now, but when I first saw him, he was 19.

Wow.

He fucking does these guitar songs that he just

fucking completely shreds.

Very impressive.

He didn't sound white.

Look at him go.

And he's a lefty like Clapton, too.

So.

Got any ads, Brian?

I've been trying to get them from our ad guy who has such a fucking hard-on for ads.

And I have not heard back.

Walt had to do an emergency 12 minutes with Get'em.

Yeah.

Did you notice, Q, that we cannot have an ad placement in Telum Steve Dave without 12 minutes of content after the ad if that ends the show?

Well, it depends.

Really?

Because

I got this thing.

It's some formula.

It can't appear in the first 5% of the show or the last 10% of the show, and they can't be clustered together.

And I'm like,

the fuck on the air.

So we got an emergency album.

Emergency.

Well,

12 minutes that had to be thrown in there.

Giddam was able to step in, and he,

I don't know, you know, we were able to

at least get the episode out there because they wouldn't have, Declan said that they wouldn't be able to release the episode as is without an extra 12 minutes.

Wow.

The man coming down on us.

Yeah.

So I was told that I need to apologize for Gidam's crappy

material.

Is that true?

Who said that?

Declan?

Yeah, I think Declan said that.

Declund said that?

Yeah.

Really?

Now, after I said,

Should I read the exact text?

Yeah, because after I said

we all need to wish, you know, prayers and thoughts, now he's coming down on Gidham?

Because Gidham was very concerned.

Walt recorded 12 minutes of bullshit with Giddam's attack on the end.

We'll need an apology podcast next week for Giddam's shitty stories and musings.

Whoa.

Wow, that's.

But maybe he hadn't heard it by then.

That's pretty good.

Maybe he would just assume.

Yeah, he's probably right, but he shouldn't say that, though.

Or at least you shouldn't say it on the pod.

Now, what if we need him?

What if we need another emergency 12 minutes?

Giddy's not going to want to step up to the podcast.

But he is going to listen to this.

He'll never know.

Oh, yes, he does.

Giddam listens?

Oh, yeah.

Because you know why he listens?

Because he wants to hear about himself.

Exactly.

He wants to make sure that

we weren't talking about him.

If the subject isn't on him, then he tunes out.

He's got quite a fucking ego, huh?

That guy?

It's not worth it.

What?

It's not worth it.

I don't know.

Not that much.

What way?

The guy's fucking talking about burying money in his backyard for two minutes over here.

All right, so we got some.

I mean, it's just going to be the way it is.

Oh, it's hard not to, right?

I consider him a legit friend, so it's easy for me to rip on him, which is what you're hearing.

But yeah, you know.

He didn't sound like you loved him last week.

Last week?

Yeah,

he sent you a text, and you kind of came down on him.

You kind of really harshed his father.

Oh, come on.

I was wrong.

No, you're wrong, but I don't.

I even sent it a text.

Get him, I love you.

Yeah, it's all about tone.

You can't, it's hard to get tone, but you know, you kind of spanked him, and then Brian took glee and was also

ribbing him in glee in person.

What happened was, is I just got back from San Diego, and it's fucking nothing but promotion the entire time.

We spent 11 hours at Petco Park.

Yeah, that's it.

It went great.

Fucking

around 18,000 people showed up.

Any baseball player show up?

No baseball players showed up.

But we were out there busting our ass, signing all day.

Look, that's a long day, like out there.

But, you know, people are coming for us.

We feel we owe it to them.

But it's all promotion.

It's a whole fucking thing.

And then the first thing that happens when I stop is Giddam starts texting me about the goddamn action figures that we just spent an entire weekend talking about.

And I answered his first question.

Yeah.

I was like, well, I go, this is why he asked me why mine's more expensive.

I was like, it's just because of the chair and blah, blah, blah.

And then he starts going into like ordering stuff.

And I'm like, Giddam, I love you.

Please stop.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

So I might have been a little harsh, but I tried to soften it.

But then, yeah, Brian jumps on and starts writing LOLs

and started harassing him.

Well, it's because it's like, I don't want to, like,

look, man, I just, I don't want to fucking talk about work all the time.

And that's what.

You'd rather talk about Giddam burying his life savings in his backyard.

100%.

With decoy holes.

And what was the thing that you said he put in there so that the money won't get wet?

Like the silica gel that they put into sneakers when they ship them.

Is that what he called it?

No, that's what it is.

It's silica gel, right?

Yeah, he said that

he'll put a piece of PVC piping, cap both ends, and put silica gel in there.

So

in case any moisture gets in there,

it doesn't destroy the money.

And why PVC, Walt?

Because it doesn't get picked up by metal detectors.

And the reason why he had.

And if anyone's wondering, why is Giddam burying his money?

It's because if he does it, he's going to get his wages garnished if he puts them in a bank.

He buries fake ones,

he said he buries fake empty pipes to discourage people from digging.

About 30 years from now, people will be like when Giddam.

You think Giddam will make it another 30 years?

Yeah, I hope so.

Well, how old is he now?

All right, maybe in 50 years.

People will be going on his property looking for the Gidham treasure.

Yes.

If I have anything.

So

it's interesting you bring up Gidem right now because I gave

Giddem some used underwear and he was happy as a clam.

Oh,

you've got the response with the ads?

I got him.

Yep.

My undies, I'm guessing, right?

Yep.

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August is National Underwear Month.

Now people are just saying whatever, right?

Yeah.

Like it's this week, it's that week.

Speaking of national months,

TSD Cinco Tyo.

Cinco TSD Mayo.

Cinco TSD Mayo ended with not much fanfare, I thought.

Well, I think because we didn't mention it and forgot about it.

Well,

I was expecting the listener base to really do some spectacular

things to

showcase and to

highlight and bring attention to

well, they had the sign on the wrestling pay-per-view.

That was big.

And

I signed a couple of shirts with the flowered skull.

Some people made those and brought them to some of the live shows.

But I was really hoping somebody would scale a major building

and

drop down a flag or something.

Something that would really get on the news.

That's what we need, is something that like,

you know, but.

Well, they have a year to prepare because it comes around like clockwork next year, June.

June 15th,

July 15th.

Cinco TSD Mayo.

Yeah.

So we need something.

Yeah, well, you know what?

We'll also maybe plan some special things

to make it to get the listeners.

Like

the four weeks, we'll do something special each week on the podcast.

I like that because it comes from the top down.

It should, right?

I can't expect them to do everything.

No.

Or anything.

Or anything, it would appear.

Well, maybe just listen, right?

Yeah, well, we hope.

Yeah, they're like, I mean, come on.

Why can I listen?

So it is National Underwear Month starting today, August 1st.

Congrats, everybody.

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All National Underwear Month long.

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Did underwear need a month?

Was there a big backlash against underwear where people being like, you know, like, let's get rid of this unnecessary garment between our skin and our trousers?

Did he say underwear or African-American?

Wait, what?

I don't know.

Did he just say that African American History Month need to be a thing, or is he talking about underwear?

Oh, I thought he said underwear, yeah.

Oh, okay.

But I could imagine him saying the other as well.

I mean, he said it several times today.

Oh, you would have been in it.

I was even questioning.

I was like, did I say that at last?

Only kidding.

But no, I mean, did anybody...

Leave that shit in.

Did anybody, is there anybody out there that was like rallying against underwear, that underwear felt it needed a month?

No.

No.

And certainly nobody's rallying against me undies.

You know what I will rally against?

What?

Bras.

I have seen more and more girls not wearing bras, and I love it.

Yeah.

I can't get enough of it.

I wish the bra would be banned.

On all girls?

Because

some people need the support.

Right.

You got giant boobs, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do?

The over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

That's what I used to say back in the day.

Oh, it was best to say that.

So unsexy, though.

What?

Olders?

Well, I was like grade school before sexy came into it.

Right.

Right.

This is a guy picking out albums with nude men on them, and he's going to dictate what's sexy to us.

His own mother was fucking shocked by his display.

I showed her.

Yeah, you did, man.

Yeah, in a big way.

Got yourself a wife, two kids.

Oh, I meant.

So she knows, like, you know, a guy can't have kids with another guy.

Well, naturally.

No matter how nice that ass is painted.

Yeah, man.

The Miundis are made from.

This is new lensing micromodo.

Are you still doing the?

I have it.

Yeah.

We got to cut that African-American thing out if it's in the middle of an ad.

Why is that?

You think Miundis will like it?

Oh, they love mush.

Yeah.

There it is.

What if we just moved it to after the ad?

Now we're

such a long

and loyal story.

If they don't get it, they know what Telum Steve Dave's about.

And that joke, they love jokes like that.

They can't get enough.

Well, it was a joke at your expense, but

they know the climate today.

Well, people don't like jokes

or Broadway plays.

The people who are listening to this, though, they get it.

They understand jokes.

Right.

All they care about is that micro-modal is an all-natural breathable, eco-friendly fabric extruded from Austrian beech trees that actually inhibits odor.

How did they find out the Austrian beech tree can fucking cut down on your fucking ass stink?

Maybe somebody rubbed against it to scratch.

Yeah, they're scratching their ass and they're like, hey, man, it doesn't smell so bad anymore.

So you think like a fruit of a loom

like fruit of alum, something some inferior underwear, like a fruit of alum, they're not made out of these Scandinavian trees?

These Austrian beech trees?

No, they're definitely not.

They're made out of cotton, probably picked by slave labor in a third world country.

That's no doubt.

Yeah, but that's not what Myondis is up to.

Can I make an official disclaimer that Myondis does not endorse

any sort of risky humor, like accusing my friend of being a racist?

They don't enjoy that.

Well, they kind of do if

they keep advertising with us.

Yeah, we can

do a lot more harsher things at Myondi's expense.

Listen, let's pick this up.

Every three months I get that $26 check for Miyondi's, and I want that to keep coming in.

Right.

And the underwear made from beech trees that don't stink.

They're the ultimate feel-good undies when you want to feel naked, but actually, not actually be naked.

I don't know when that is, but okay.

Miyundi's diamond-seeped pouch cradles your jewels.

Oh, see,

they're not on the same page.

Diamond-seamed pouch cradles your jewels and gives your stuff the support it it needs without feeling too tight.

So, I guess they're talking to guys there or

trans, perhaps.

They're not talking to girls,

although they do make girls' underwear.

All national underwear month long.

You can feel them for yourself.

Free, it's simple.

If you don't love them, they're free.

Now, until August 31st, get 20% off your first pair, plus free shipping at Miandi's.

Let me just get through this: mendies.com slash T-E-S-D.

You do?

Yeah.

Say that code again.

That's meundis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

Meandis.com/slash T-E-S-D.

What's your endorsement, Q?

So I wore meundis on stage the other night, and I got lots of comments.

Just meundies?

That it looked like, no, under my pants.

And I got lots of comments that it looked like my junk is giant.

Bigger than bigger than normal?

It's probably that diamond-seamed pouch.

Look at that.

This is not accurate.

This is not a good thing.

You look like John Hooke.

I have something in my pocket, but it does look like I have a giant.

Like you're trying to smuggle

a baby elephant.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a good look.

That would would be.

That's meundies.

I might put two pairs of meundis on.

You think he's going to burst through the seams?

That looks like you've got an.

That looks like you've got some sort of like.

It looks like a birth defect.

Yeah, that looks like a defect.

It looks like a soda can, like a John Merrick elephant man penis.

But that's

big because of meundis.

That's what I'm saying.

So if you need to chub up a bit.

You're

encroaching John Holmes' territory, bro.

Yeah, but but that's not accurate.

That's what I'm saying.

I would love to claim that that's representation of me.

Why don't you just claim it?

Because I'm trying to sell meundis here.

Oh, gotcha.

My bad.

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

Right, if you're like, I went into it with a giant cock, and check it out.

It looks like I have a giant cock, then where does meundis end up?

It's 100 cent meundis.

I don't know what that is, by the way.

That's not my penis.

I don't know what it is.

Well, I don't know what it is.

What are you going to do?

Did you have some sort of

apparatus hooked up?

Nothing.

Before you went on stage and forgot to take it off?

I don't know what it is.

But anyway, me on these will make your penis look larger is my point.

I don't think that they would probably use it as a selling point, but they don't probably mind you saying it, though.

But they probably would never be able to make that claim, though.

That's why I'm here to make it for them.

And that's why they love telling Steve Davis.

That's it, right?

There you go.

Is that a big deal, though?

Is it still a big deal?

Penis size?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Is it something that guys sweat about?

Oh, I don't know.

Like, always, yeah, right?

What's up, babe?

After a certain age.

What's going on?

No, I think that.

After a certain age, who cares?

Well, no, but you're talking about guys.

You're going to take what I give you.

Like, well, not guys our age, but like younger.

What's up, bro?

Hey, how's it going?

Coming in?

Coming in.

I guess so.

Is penis size important?

To who?

To you.

To you.

No.

Like, when you have one in your mouth and one in your eye.

Okay, I revised my answer, yes.

At what age...

Well, first we have to introduce Tom Mum from Blue Juice Comics.

Hello, hello.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Well, there's a point in your life where penis size is important, having a big one.

That goes away at what age?

Have you worked that age?

25?

Yeah.

All right.

Why, what's your answer?

I don't have one.

We just said it got raised just as you walked in.

It got raised.

So Tom Mum is here to

pay a little penance.

To atone for my sins.

Yes.

A couple weeks ago, I asked him to sit down with me and do a spot because I didn't have anyone.

And he said, no.

He wouldn't do it.

Really?

So I was forced.

Is that true?

It's true.

Why wouldn't you do it?

You want to.

Well, I was forced to ask the listeners to, unlike Blue Juice on Facebook,

which they took to a different level, started giving them bad reviews and stuff, which I don't.

A friend of the show?

A friend of the show.

I thought maybe he wasn't.

I don't want to know that with him badmouthing you.

But he's come back and he's agreed to do a spot with us

to make up for it.

And once he's completed it, then everyone is free to like Blue Juice Comics again on Facebook.

Please take down the review.

Yeah, if you gave him a one-star review, I didn't ask for that.

But I love the passion, though.

Yeah.

I love the, like, how dare you fuck with Tom Steve Dave and the four-colored demons.

We'll take Blue Juice down.

I mean, are there listeners who really don't get it at this point that really don't understand that you're making a joke?

Because that's scary.

Ask his one-star reviews to this.

That's fucking scary.

There's people listening who legitimately thought you were angry and wanted you to do that, though.

Or maybe that was them fucking around.

Could be.

Could be they took it to another level.

Right.

They're like, he's not fucking around enough.

Yeah, that's scary, though, that they take it that literally, though, and would go do it, though.

I find it encouraging because I fully intend to start a cult someday, and that's the kind of followers that

I think you've already, yeah, you've got a mini one and that you've got a little mini cult?

Yeah.

See, I wish.

Can I explain why I said no?

If you must waste our listeners' time with Well, it goes, well,

this is good for you, too, because you like to vent about things.

It all stems from season two, and we had some really shitty producers.

And they told me that I wasn't allowed

while I was being paid on Comic Book Man to sit down and podcast.

And that put the fucking...

That threw a scare in them.

Who the fucking?

Is this all they fired?

The guys they fired, he's still listening to them.

That's what I don't get.

The guys they get fired and then we fired?

They kind of ran our name through the ringer on the way out.

Yeah, but you've been on the show so long.

I really loves you.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate it.

You're like one of the main dudes

on the crew.

Right.

Thank you.

But just out of respect for my bosses, I decided to uphold what they asked, which was to not podcast while I'm on the call.

But not your ultimate boss, who's me.

You, and I had to spank you publicly, and I didn't like doing it.

But I'll do it again.

Kevin would be my ultimate boss, right?

Fine.

All right.

Your penultimate boss.

He's like, who's Tom?

That could be.

That could be.

So

we'll do a little spot here with

Tom Mum.

We'll see if he has what it takes to earn those likes back.

Yeah, yeah, we're in previews.

How hard is that time?

They take

he just answered your question.

Blue juices and previews.

No, stop.

Stop doing that.

Stop putting them down.

You got to build up.

Evidently, they take about 10% of submissions.

Wow.

So they get thousands of submissions and they take about 10%.

Wow.

But you guys, Blue Juice.

Companies, you mean

companies will be will want to a compo company, a fledgling or you know, or a smaller compo company has to prove to diamond that they are professional enough and committed.

And

there's a I guess a very

strenuous

what's it called?

When you you look it over, you know, they decide if you're worthy diamond.

There's a judgment committee that like seven people that approve or disapprove it.

I sent a huge care package when the accelerators came out.

Right.

Yeah, that's pretty much what it was.

T-shirts, stickers.

I think we didn't even have a book out yet.

I think I sent one issue of a preview.

Why?

You're having trouble getting in the diamond?

No, no, no.

I'm just because I'm saying, like, for you guys to be in diamond, that means blue juice must be of quality and consistency, which is really the only two things you need to be successful in this world.

Well said.

There you go.

Good luck.

All right.

How does that explain Johnson, though?

Brett, Dude, what are you doing?

I just said luck.

What's wrong with the both of you?

I'm trying to fucking repair this problem and then do what you were going off.

Okay, let's see.

Tom, do you get a loot crate?

No, I don't.

But I've been thinking about it.

Today's your lucky.

Don't be on it.

Personal endorsement story.

Talk about the crate you received last month.

I feel like I get crates every other month.

Like, somebody steals them one month, and then the next month they're not on top of their game.

Did you see Pam wearing any like Infinity Gauntlet earrings or anything around that?

I do have a Guardians of the Galaxy shirt on.

Mystery Solves Oops.

playing with fucking little Groot.

What was in it?

Did you share the items?

You always share the items, right, Q?

I share them with Ginam.

You're a big fan of Luke Crate, right?

Oh, I love Luke Crate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your personal endorsement story, Q.

What was in it?

Did you share items, reactions?

Make this part creative.

Well, just yesterday.

Let's hear it, man.

Come out and do some creativity.

They sent me this awesome Optimus Prime t-shirt.

It's like a light blue, and it's got him, the old one, not like the new one, like the old truck in various forms of transforming from truck to it.

I wore that around yesterday, all over Staten Island yesterday.

Had a slice of pizza.

People like cool shirt, bro.

I mean, that's more factual.

That's not very creative.

Well, I'm telling the truth, man.

Okay.

Well, they're going to ask for the fucking truth.

I'll make some shit up.

Yeah.

Malon Monroe's ghost was blowing me.

And

the reason that happened is because I was wearing an Optimus Prime t-shirt that I got from Loot Crate.

And that'll happen to you if you get Loot Crate.

Every month.

Every month, Tom.

Once a month, the ghost of Marilyn Monroe will visit you.

Did she think penis size mattered?

She did, but

luckily, Luke Crate also increases size, length, girth.

Wow.

That's an endorsement right there.

Plus, ghosts don't have any rights.

Fuck them.

You can be the envy of your friends, Tom Mum.

Holy fuck, that's a good idea for a story.

What's up?

Enslaving ghosts?

Yeah.

Why not?

Nobody steal that.

News Comics, Pat and Pendon.

Be the the enervy of your friends, get 100%

exclusive rates.

But it's a known thing.

It's a known thing.

It's not like Willy Wonka when nobody knows how the chocolate's being made.

This guy invents something

how to enslave ghosts to work from, and the government's like, well, they have no rights because

they're dead.

They're just souls.

Meanwhile, your grandmother's fucking disincorporated.

My grandmother's a comfort woman again.

Yeah.

That's a fucking crazy idea.

Right?

Yeah.

There's a lot of, you know, a lot of social and

teaching, teachable moments in that.

Slavery is still a lot of people.

Well, this company is smart enough to not use the ghosts of black people because they know the backlash would be too much.

They weren't all ghosts white.

They go, well, I thought they were.

Well, I meant like that terms when you see them.

You see them as a

mattress.

They don't want to use...

This is Lou Craig.

This is going to be Lou Crate right now.

They don't want to use people who

socially would not be good.

Because the ghosts still

have their minds and thoughts.

They're literally enslaving ghosts.

Well, how about you enslave only like...

Because you're not going to enslave someone who was already enslaved, like fucking seriously, even in the afterlife.

So you enslave people you know for a fact were bad, like dead prisoners or

slave history.

How can you prison slave alone?

Why?

Because

they're all black.

Is that what you're saying?

No, because they're saying that the industrial.

So what you're saying.

Yes, all prisoners.

I know what I'm saying.

There's a story there.

Can you use ghost women?

Because women have been been oppressed forever on the bottom.

We got to work this story.

Basically just buttons.

Ventilate joy.

Yeah, okay.

Who lie and pretend they don't care about their dick size.

Right.

All right.

Good story.

You could be the envy of your friends, Tom Mom.

If you go to lootcrete.com slash TESD and you enter the code TESD, you're going to get 10% off.

Oh, God.

If you're on a quest for epic gear, housewares, and collectibles, they have it.

Epic range of pop culture items.

You like pop culture.

Less than $20 a month.

You got two kids, too, right?

Oh, and you got a wife.

His wife came down this weekend.

She looked good.

Tasty.

Having a little afternoon delight.

While I was on the clock for comic book man, he was hanging out with my.

He wouldn't do the fucking.

He wouldn't do the ad.

What am I supposed to do?

Like, not hump his wife?

That's your revenge.

I mean,

this is what I sent a picture of me and his wife.

And just his afternoon delight and all cats.

What else?

You can get bigger, fancy boxes.

That's how I won her over.

I was like, I have Loot Crate, the biggest fancy.

Yeah.

Why doesn't Loot Crate send us the bigger, fancier boxes?

Who knows?

You would think we earned it by now.

Maybe they do and Pam steals it.

That could be.

I could be.

Can we?

That's why she's parading around in all my fucking Loot Crate shit.

Loot Crate, I would love to talk to our audience about the extra large boxes, but I got nothing.

How are we supposed to know?

I got nothing to say about them.

Geek out your pet.

Do you have any pets?

We have two rabbits.

Might be able to.

I don't think they make anything for rabbits.

Is it a pink rabbit and a blue rabbit?

No.

Good.

Brown and black.

Why?

We had a greasel earlier.

The offer expires August 19th at 9 p.m.

Pacific, so you can still get in there.

This month, you're going to find Legend of Zelda.

You like that?

Love it.

Legend of Zelda.

Adventure time that shit.

Lord of the Rings.

Lucky subscriber.

One lucky subscriber

who's going to win a mega crate.

When the cutoff happens, that's it.

August 19th, 9 p.m.

Pacific, to subscribe.

LukeCrate.com slash T-E-S-D.

Enter my code T-E-S-D to save 10% off any new subscription today.

You're saying it so fast.

That's T

E

S

D.

Right.

Good idea, Walt, because otherwise we'll be doing the fucking same commercial in perpetuity for free because I either don't say the codes or somebody doesn't hear it or there's some bullshit.

You don't even want to know, Tom Mom.

You don't want to know my problems.

I almost fell out of college because of Zelda.

Zelda?

Which one?

The first one?

The first one, NES, yeah.

All I did was play it for two weeks straight, trying to get to the end.

Didn't go to class for

so you grew.

Did you graduate college?

Yeah, eventually, film school.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, okay.

Did you play the last one?

The lunch?

No, I stopped playing after that.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I stopped playing completely after that.

You got hooked?

I got hooked.

It was an addiction.

What do you think about that?

Shit's so corny.

What's the video games?

Video games,

fucking all that garbage.

Why is it corny?

It's so stupid.

Like, I remember

it was like 8-bit, right?

Yeah.

8-bit.

You fucking almost tanked your whole fucking game.

Almost threw away his life.

Yeah.

8-bit, fucking...

I'll get that Zelda yet.

I'll get that sword.

8-bits was a lot of bits back then.

The most bits anyone could have.

What happens in Zelda?

I never played.

It's the same shit that, you know, it's just like fantasy bullshit.

A guy who doesn't play it is explainable.

I've seen it.

I saw my sister playing it, and I was like, it's

like, you corny fuck.

Give me a fucking sports game.

I'll fucking school you.

I don't need this garbage.

I'll get all these maps and shit and

swords.

Torches and shit.

Give me a fucking hockey stick or a digital football here.

Get the fuck out of my son.

I'm Bo Jackson on this.

Jackson right here.

She's like, oh my God.

Where did you come from?

I don't share that.

Fantasy fuck.

No.

Great.

Billion-dollar industry.

It's my fantasy.

It's my fantasy to be Zelda.

I'm going to find a sword and a torch.

I'm going to be Link.

Like the Mod Squad.

Wow.

I'd rather be Link from the Mod Squad.

Wow.

That dude saw action.

I'd rather be Lancelot Lance.

Did they ever make a movie about it?

Probably should have made Japanese animation ones, but they never made a movie movie.

And it's just like you keep walking and walking.

Kind of like Mario Brothers type stuff.

No, it's an overhead map.

Okay.

Mario side-scroll.

Yeah.

It's great, man.

Yeah, you're not according to Walt.

I saw it being played.

I'm like, sister, that's not the same.

I saw it.

It's like you're looking for little keys and you walk up to people and then some words come up, right?

Yeah, so, so shitty.

I can't believe you have that strong of an opinion watching your sister.

I never would have dreamed.

I love it, though.

It seems like something else is behind it.

He hasn't let it go.

Because I couldn't play it.

I would play it.

I'd die, and then I'd be like, you know.

Here it comes.

This is the true story.

Put in ice hockey.

Then I'll show you how to play a game.

Because she was good at Zelda, so she was on it for hours on end.

I couldn't play ice hockey.

Right.

Okay.

There you go, man.

It's warranted.

My penance complete.

No, not yet.

We've got to talk about.

Wait, we still got more?

There's one more.

We've got to do 12 minutes after that.

And then there's got to be 12 minutes after this, evidently.

All right.

So I'm going to talk to you about Blue Apron.

Blue Juice Apron.

Holy fuck, it's almost eight.

Yeah, I know.

We got a poker game.

We're playing cards tonight.

Blue juice apron.

I like that.

You should do a press promotion with blue apron.

That's not a bad idea.

Every box has a blue juice comic in it, too.

That's a great idea.

People are like, what the fuck is this?

Just do it.

Yeah.

They wipe their mouth with it.

Yeah, like somebody put a comic in this box accidentally.

Do you have any releases coming out?

Yes, but I'm not allowed to talk about it right now.

Oh, really?

Somebody muzzled you, huh?

Whoa.

Talk about it.

He has so many masters, it's insane.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I do have a lot of masters.

That's true.

You met my wife.

Oh, yeah.

Don't mean Nelson right here.

Hobby.

If you want,

go ahead.

Blue Juice Comics is doing a book with Walt Flanagan.

Whoa.

It's been in the works for a lot of time.

How the fuck do you have time?

Because that book's been done for two years.

Fucking Metro's not done.

I was just trying to fine-tune it.

Yeah, yeah.

Working with some good, talented people, but we're still trying to get it just right.

Wow.

It's a four-issue arc.

First issue is going to come out.

The plan is for New York Comic-Con this year.

Is he, how's Walter work with Diva-ish?

No, great.

Is he like, I don't like this, I don't like that.

Change this, change that.

No, absolutely.

It's been great.

It's been pretty easy, you know, to email back and forth.

I think it's been a pretty smooth process, just trying to dial it in.

I see him dressing you down, though, sometimes, like

when we're on breaks and shit.

He's like screaming at you.

It's not about the comics.

No, not at all.

We've been talking about it.

It's about about an homage.

Is it an homage?

Yeah, it's a

the tagline in my head is

you don't like that?

Yeah, but

we can announce it.

I'm just the right side of cool.

I cannot stand

the tagline that you want to use.

No, yeah.

He doesn't tell me these things.

He doesn't tell me.

I mean, you knew I hated it.

You knew I hated it.

You just have to get on the microphone, I'll be honest with you.

Yeah, tell him

you're that.

I'll get

an advice request from him next week on the show.

It's an homage or it's a love letter.

Love letter is what it is.

But it's

to 70s and 60s comics.

Bronze Age comics.

Bronze Age, yeah.

And he wanted to call it like Walt Flanagan's love letter to comics.

And I was just like, no.

That doesn't sound too good.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

That's so, so.

So homage is better if we use the word homage?

Who's writing it?

A guy I know named Casey.

And

like I said, it's fun.

It's stuff that I've always wanted to draw, and I'm excited about it.

But wait a second, though.

So where is the tagline going?

In the previews ad?

Actually, there's no advantage.

Oh, in the previews.

It wouldn't be on the book.

It was just maybe on the previous ad.

And it's just like a little

picture of Walt on the comic book when he said it's like

writing love letters and shit.

A picture of the Baron.

The Baron would be cool.

When is it release?

New York Comic-Con issue one.

We'll do

a preview for New York Comic-Con this year, and then all four issues next year.

I got to finish the last issue and the third issue

after I finish Metro Q.

Metro's priority.

Thank you.

Okay, so now Blue Apron.

It's unbelievable how long these copies are for Blue Apron, but they need it because they got some competition out there.

We got to fuckinggether and fucking formula.

Make Blue Apron number one.

Well, Amazon's talking about getting into it.

Amazon's going to own the world in 10 years.

Nope.

No?

Nope.

What won't they own?

What won't they own?

A lot.

They won't own Disney.

You can't say that.

Or one company.

You can't say that.

If If somebody were like...

I would definitely sell it.

Sell out tomorrow.

Even if they want to shutter the company,

we just don't want you around.

We'd be like, fine.

If you get an email from me from the Bahamas, you know what happened.

Yeah.

Like at one point, you would have been like, Disney would never buy

Lucasfilm or whatever.

Like Lucasfilm would buy Disney.

Like you would never think that, but here you are.

But Apple was trying to buy Disney.

Or yeah, Apple was trying to buy Disney a few months ago.

Yeah, they won't own Apple.

No, they won't own Apple.

I didn't mean literally the world.

But why'd you say it then?

Because I was speaking in hyperbole.

They won't own McDonald's.

You don't know that.

I know that.

You can't say it.

I know a lot of Amazon Inside on the old arches.

Fuck out of here.

Yeah, we email.

He listens to tell him Steve Dave, an insider.

He's like, so I'm there flipping burgers today.

Somebody's like, someday Amazon will fucking own you.

And I'm like, no way.

Ronald Forever.

No way.

No effing way.

Not okay.

Hashtag.

Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone.

They support a more sustainable food system, the impact on the community.

They want to get everything in here.

They've established partnerships with local farms, fisheries, and ranchers, which is a good thing, I guess, because then you can source it and send it somewhere close.

I don't know, chases cattle around and shit.

You know, brands, doggies, that sort of thing.

It just sounds more romantic.

Rancher?

Rancher.

Than the real word that you would use.

Which is what?

Shitty?

Like white trash drunk cowboy.

I mean, well, I know.

Well, you know what?

We're supposed to be selling this product.

I'm not going to get into it.

Rancher.

So, okay.

Rancher is just a.

What's it a pretty word for?

Or a romantic word for?

You know, you know, you are working in a slaughterhouse.

Oh, okay.

No, I don't know.

I don't think they're out there in the fields killing cattle.

They raise cattle.

They raise cattle.

To what?

To go where?

To go to a slaughterhouse, yeah.

I mean.

Well, you notice they didn't put the slaughterhouse guy in the fucking copy?

They didn't.

They didn't.

For a reason, bro.

Why they didn't do it, I can't figure out.

Beef, chicken, and pork.

You think Blue Apron's going to own the world and yet they can't eat it?

No, I said Amazon, not Blue Apron.

No, I didn't think Blue Apron was going to own the world.

12 minutes past the end of this ad.

And it starts in 30 minutes.

Okay, so they ship the exact amount of each ingredient

required for a recipe, and they're reducing food waste.

I don't like that.

I love wasting food.

Cooking together builds strong family bonds.

That's true.

Definitely.

How would you know?

You go out to eat seven days a week.

But we bake cookies.

Do you?

Yeah.

You guys sit around baking cookies?

Yeah.

Really?

It's really cool.

Like from scratch or like the shit that you buy?

I would love to say from scratch, but that would be a lie.

We just, you know, sometimes we just cut the roll.

We just cut the roll.

We turn it on the oven and

then we talk about what's going on.

We're all cutting a roll.

What do you talk about?

School.

Slaughterhouse.

How much I hate certain things.

You girls ever hear this Zelda thing that everyone's into?

So corny.

Yeah, so fucking corny.

I hate it.

Blue Apron families cook nearly three times more often.

I was telling Tom today, I cook a lot more than I used to.

Now that I'm on this fucking diet.

Yeah, he's going to make me like some lunchtime shakes now.

He's got three.

I'm going to make Tom some cheese.

He's like, hey, you want to go get a shake?

I was like, I'll make you.

You want to fish this fucking ad?

We got a poker game.

Jesus, guys.

And it goes on and on.

I know.

I'm looking at that copy.

It's so crazy.

Let's see.

I use Blue Apron.

It's great.

You want to know what they're going to have?

That's enough.

Basil Pesto chicken.

Yeah, and then we'll have to do the same ad next week.

Saute, shrimp, and green beans.

Walt, all the stuff you love.

Meatball pizza.

I love meatball pizza.

Of course you do.

Miso butter salmon.

Meatballs all pizza.

I just take the meatballs off and give them to my to Cooper.

Yeah, he feeds the blue apron meatballs to his dogs.

Because I want them to live for a long time by eating healthy.

Right.

Yeah, of course.

You're not going to give them that shit, Calcan Gainsburgers, nonsense, man.

You feed them blue apron and they're going to fucking live forever.

For less than $10 a person, there's a big variety.

It's flexible.

It's easy.

It's guaranteed.

Here's a call to action, much like they did in World War II.

Check out this week's menu.

What's that?

This is way more important

than Nazis.

Fucking Nazis, man.

Nazis need to eat, too.

Like, they should have tried some Blue Apron and chilled out, right?

It wasn't available.

That was the issue.

Really?

They weren't just hungry.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping.

Oh, my God.

There's so much free stuff.

By going to blueapron.com slash T-E-S-D.

You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait.

That's blueapron.com/slash D-E-S-D.

Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

Do you wish you invented Blue Apron instead of Blue Juice?

I mean, you got it, right?

It seems a lot of work.

There we go, guys.

Stop watching, stop.

I was just about to start it.

12 minutes.

You said it seems like a lot of work?

Yeah, it seems like a lot of work.

What do you think the guy who invented Blue Apron is like

slaughtering the animals and shit?

At the beginning, he was probably packaging stuff up and shipping it out.

Yeah.

I mean, I have to do that every day with Blue Juice Comics.

Do you really?

You don't hire a guy?

You don't have a guy?

You don't have a get him?

You need money for that.

Do you want to get him?

No, I don't want to get him.

You're not raking it in off of fucking Walt Flanagan's love letter to the Bronze Age.

Let's talk next year.

I almost wish you had done it without his permission so I could have seen it in print and been like, oh my God, I can't wait to bring this up.

He's too smart, man.

He shuts it down too quick.

He gets final say on everything, huh?

Oh, it's his book.

You're practically the president of Blue Juice.

It's not all my book.

That would be very, that's unfair to say.

It's

a collaborative.

We're very open to creators, though.

You can do your thing.

So how come you never asked me to do my thing?

I love doing my thing.

I've always admired and looked at

what the guys on the crew did with Blue Juice because I was so impressed and

just blown away by the level of enthusiasm and go get them, you know, not get them, go get them

attitude.

You know, I want to be scrappers, these blue juice.

Yeah, yeah, they, they, yeah.

And, you know, and,

you know, definitely, you know, been through the

seen everything on the complications, you know, so they

know warts and all.

Yeah.

They know what they're getting into bed with.

Right.

A guy who hates Zelda.

Oh, yeah, Q.

What?

No, you're at a minute, 48 seconds.

Did you think that soliloquy was like 12 minutes?

I felt like it was saying it.

It was so insincere.

I'm fucking spinning wheels here, man.

Oh, man.

Did you see any movies, Q?

Did you see War of Plenty Apes?

I have not seen any movies yet.

Kicked ass.

Was it?

It was good.

I love it.

I love that.

There's no jokes.

It's just dour.

Caesar going crazy.

No, I would not say he's going crazy.

I think he's the most admirable.

Winnie Harrison going crazy?

Yeah.

I gotta see it.

It's on my l it's on the list.

It's well, Dark Tower opens on Friday.

Yeah, I know you had you're a big King fan.

I'm a big King fan and and I've read those books so much.

Okay.

So I'm excited about seeing that.

What about Spider-Man Homecoming?

I saw it, but I was so fucking tired that I don't remember people talk to me about it and I remember scenes when people talk about it, but I can't remember things.

How could you be that tired and not remember what you saw?

Because we were on tour when it came out.

I didn't sleep the the night because sometimes in hotels I just don't sleep.

And I finally fell asleep at 7 a.m.

and we had already bought tickets to an 11 11 movie and I had just the sun started shining.

I just woke up at 9, so I was on two hours sleep and I went anyway.

You don't remember anymore.

I don't remember shit.

Do you like what you do remember?

What I do remember, I liked it, yeah.

I remember enjoying it while I watched it.

I just can't fucking recall any of it now.

He's a good Spider-Man.

I think he's Spider-Man.

Oh, he's great, man.

He was great in Civil War.

I agree.

I agree.

He's a good Spider-Man.

I felt like the movie wasn't really Spider-Man, though, to me.

It wasn't the Spider-Man that

wasn't my Spider-Man.

Well, because every two seconds they're fucking hammering you with social justice bullshit.

Did that happen?

Oh, yeah.

You remember that?

You must have fell asleep.

Well, when did that happen?

Oh, my God.

Some girl won't go into some building because it's built by slave teams, and then fucking this one's upset about that.

Like, you can't fucking escape it every time you turn around.

Theaters like protesting is

an American tradition.

But that's the way the kids are today.

Fuck the kids today, Q.

Kids of the future, man.

Oh, are they?

That's what they said when I was younger.

Look what happened.

I don't remember those messages in the Spider-Man comics I read.

It was about, you know, pumpkin bombs.

Yeah, there were no pumpkin bombs

in the movie.

No.

Well, he wasn't a goblin, though.

Too offensive a pumpkin bomb.

I thought that the vulture was good.

I like the fact they never called him the vulture.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

I like that they got damage control in there.

I like that.

What did you think about the end, though?

I kind of think it's weird that not, they're not, he's not very concerned.

I know this is a spoiler, that he's not concerned that there's a guy in prison that knows his identity.

Well, what's he going to do about it?

I would go right to what would you, in the real world, I would go right to the Avengers.

I'd be like, you've got to have some sort of machine that can wipe this dude's brain clean.

He can't know my identity.

Or I have to kill him.

How?

Right?

That would be the real world because your aunt May is at danger because this guy knows who you are.

You would have to go to the Avengers and be like, or I don't know, I guess the X-Men aren't in the Marvel Universe, but you need to wipe that dude's brain clean.

Well, I mean, he didn't give the secret away at the end.

So what?

You're still taking a gigantic risk.

I agree, but I just don't know what you can do about it.

There's

a therapy.

He's got to let him know.

He's going to spread it around.

He's going to be aware of it.

Go to Doctor Strange then.

I don't know that Doctor Strange would just be like, yeah, I'll wipe him.

I'm no big deal.

Why wouldn't he, though?

Is it easy to wipe wipe him eye?

I guess Doctor Strange could just be like.

These are gods.

I hear you, man.

But maybe he's like, you know what?

This is a lesson to you, Spider-Man.

Don't fucking let people find out who you are.

Really?

The harsh lesson.

Teachable lesson.

If his loved ones are killed by the vulture or by him

or revealing his identity to some other villain.

If you do that, then the stakes have just gone for superheroing, then.

Like, there's no consequences then.

If Doctor Strange just waves his magic wand, then suddenly everything's okay.

like what if they're building towards something?

What if the next movie involves fucking him knowing his name?

I found out today that's a post-credit scene, right?

So, they're setting it up for the next one.

I felt it was irresponsible, though, of Spider-Man just to go on about his life so, like, happy and go-lucky, knowing with that kind of like baggage in the back of your brain that this guy knows who I am.

There would be no way.

It's definitely something that should be addressed.

I agree with you.

Here's my biggest question: Is Aunt May gender fluid?

Because

if not, I will not see this movie.

It's not fair to whatever that means.

She's pretty hot, though.

Is she?

Aunt May's hot?

Yeah, it's so missing.

She's to May.

Oh, so it's not some old bag?

A running joke in a movie is how it is.

Well, even the last one, she was an old bag.

It was the girl who was this flying nun.

Sally Field.

Yeah, she's not an old bag.

Oh, no?

No.

She is.

Oh, this is Sally Field.

Well, she's not a frail old biddy.

No.

Right, I mean, Aunt May looked like she was 100 years old.

Is there anything left to be released this summer that you're excited about other than Dark Tower?

What's coming?

I want to see Dunkirk.

I want to see that.

Wow, what's coming?

Sally Field

December.

What about Thor and Thor?

So that's it.

There's no more summer blockbusters to look forward to.

I want to see Atomic Blonde.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you really?

A lot of the crew went to see it this weekend.

They said it was terrible.

Really?

Can you make out with a chick for like five minutes in it?

You can go see that.

We're talking about electric cameras and sound guys.

They're like, look at this angle.

It should have been this.

Did you see that on any of those videos that you watch?

I'm saying, if you're going to charge me $11 to watch Charlie's Darone make out with another woman, that's money well spent.

I'll spend that money.

I mean, the trailer was so cliched with, like, she's dangerous.

You know, she's like, she's a wild card.

It's just the same old shit we've seen a million times before.

Was your sister watching it or something?

You got going on.

I'm sorry.

You know, I got to

call it like a season.

What do you got?

The upcoming releases?

Here's what for the rest of the summer.

Dark Tower, I want to say I don't have a lot of hope for.

Dark Tower.

Because the books are so good, and the trailer does not look like the books to me.

Really?

It's too much to cram into one movie.

It's a lot.

It's very dense.

Well, it's supposed to be the first of many, right?

Yeah.

Are you happy with the casting?

I don't mind the casting.

He's great.

I don't mind that at all.

Idra Selba.

What about Muck Conahy?

Yeah, he's good, too.

What kind of product?

pronounce it.

I mean, you said it in a way I've never heard him a haul.

Like, I wasn't sure you were not stroking out.

That's the first time I've ever said it out loud.

That's why.

Really?

Yeah.

But I have no reason to.

I guess not.

Okay, so you got The Dark Tower.

You have Detroit, which is directed by Catherine Bigelow.

Yeah, I'll pay a hard pass on that one.

Yeah.

Set a sci-fi movie.

Civil Unrest at Rock Detroit in the summer.

67.

Well, at the year you were born.

Kidnap with Hallie Berry.

Oh, I saw a trailer for Outlook.

It looks so stupid.

Annabelle Creation.

Yeah, I'll watch it at home.

The Nut Job 2, Nutty by Nature.

Will Arnett's in it.

They're doing a voice anyway.

Casting a paycheck.

Glass Castle.

I don't know it.

Ryan Reynolds and the Hitman's Bodyguard.

I just saw a commercial for it the other day.

It's Ryan Reynolds and

Samuel Jackson, yeah.

It's a comedy.

And I only just heard about it last week, which makes me think they're dumping it.

Right.

Logan Lucky.

That looks good.

With Channing Tatum.

Of course, you think it looks good.

Steven Sutterberg.

Steven Sutterberg.

Probably bought a Rush album back in the fucking 70s.

Polaroid,

which is a supernatural horror film that follows a teen who stumbles upon a vintage Polaroid camera.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That sounds cool.

That's Stephen Kincourt's story, Sun Dog.

Yeah?

Do the people she photographed turn up dead in grisly ways?

Well, what happens is, like,

when you

take a picture with the Polaroid, in it, you see in the background, like, this demon dog, and then every picture you take, it

gets closer and closer until just don't take any more pictures.

I know, but much like Baron von Flanagan, you just speaking of Baron von Fleyan, that shit fucking has not paid out at all and has not panned out.

No, man, well, Giddam was telling people.

I thought it would be a much bigger deal than it was.

It's just like $5 here and there.

It's not even fucking worth it.

Well, you got Giddam telling people that you're like, the Baron isn't feeling well and shit.

How are you going to make any money if you're always going to be?

I just set the rules, too.

Like, you do not come up to me if you come into the stash, do not come up to me and ask to see the Baron.

You must ask Gidem.

He's my Renfeld.

And you must ask him to

summon the Baron.

If you ask me to summon the Baron, it ain't going to happen.

You must go through Gidham to get to me.

But I do like to

thank you.

I do it all from the dungeon.

They just look down the stairs.

Oh, that's right.

Because the Baron can never leave that dungeon.

You know, that's the kind of thing that I'm trying to

work into his real life.

And

it really looks like a dungeon when you see some of these people who...

And as I was saying, we've got video.

I put out videos of it, and nothing.

Nothing.

No light.

It didn't trend.

Nothing.

Well, where can people find it?

I don't know.

These people are

supposed to do it for me.

I said, release it on the internet.

I go, if you're going to videotape it, put it out there so it gets traction.

Well, maybe if they were to send it, like, okay, we have tellhamstevedave.com, maybe we can put some videos up, right?

So if you.

If you click on the castle, I would thought maybe that, like, that you could see videos of the Baron.

We can do that.

Somebody just has to do that.

Yeah, but I wouldn't even know where to send those videos right now.

We were saying it, but we really don't know.

Send those videos to wherever

on

there has to be like a help thing or something.

I don't know.

18 seconds, boys.

But it's fucking bullshit, though.

I'm still.

Well, don't give up yet.

Ranch for another 10 seconds about it, Walt.

Then say tell them Steve Dave.

Hold on a

We're going to find out where they can send this shit.

These videos and stuff.

I mean,

I put out all these videos.

I also implemented a mask now.

Get them.

Get them.

Holy shit.

I put a mask on now.

Okay.

It's a whole theatrical bit, and it still hasn't caught fire.

It will after this.

Okay, people are going to put their videos up.

If you go to tellhamstevedave.com,

and

you got to go to contact.

And then it gives you like an email thing.

Right.

So

or go to at telemants, go to one of those two and ask the webmaster guy, what am I?

What's the Twitter handle?

At tellumants.

T-E-L-L-E-M-A-N-T-S.

That's the dude who's running our website?

Yeah.

Well, there's an Instagram.

Holy shit.

Do we know anything?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

It fucking is so.

But if you go to this

high school,

this isn't

exactly tell them steve dave i tell them so now i gotta do it well isn't that the show one that you i thought it was at yourself i thought it was at tst town

oh yeah i think you're right hold on let me see if i can find it real quick

if you have a video of the baron give it a fact send it to um go to the content i don't know like i said we should be talking about

i think i think i got it here

You're getting all upset, Walt.

Yeah, because it's bullshit.

I know it is.

And it's not your fault.

It's because.

It's these goddamn

listeners who won't.

I had expectations.

I didn't think I'd still have to be doing Telm Steve.

I thought it would be all barren action by now.

Wait a second here.

T-E-S-D-Town?

That's the one?

How does this only have 316 followers?

No, anyway, it's just us complaining about shit that nobody cares about.

Hold on, I got the email to send it to.

You ready?

It should go to.

Oh, I don't know.

That's this guy's real email address.

Who cares?

Put it out there.

No, I'm not going to put out his real email address.

But it's fucked up that we don't know it.

It's fucked up that.

Put a video up on Lily's Frenchie.

Yeah, you could do that.

I can't cross the streams of the Baron.

You know what?

I'll tell you what, though, it's getting harder when you summon the Baron.

It's getting harder for me to go back to being normal.

No.

Well, that's not good.

No, I even did it at home.

I told my wife about it.

And I told Summon the Baron.

And I wouldn't leave.

I'd rather remain the Baron.

And the Baron got his first.

Spouting Faxetta.

Well, that's all he was spouting.

Yeah.

She said

the Baron is a beast.

Whoa.

She said it was like being

with a 20-year-old version of me.

Wow.

But then the the Baron got a little fucking little out of

a little too cocky and he had a fucking leg cramp.

So the Baron is deficient in potassium just like me.

All right, wow.

Wow.

Mid-coitis is fucking...

His Achilles heel snapped and rolled up into his leg.

He came in with just the cape and the top hat.

You're like, I'm all yours.

I just told her about the, I said, say the poem right now, right?

It's before.

He demanded she say it.

I like it.

You have to get him in the bedroom.

He didn't want to leave.

He found it hard.

No, not get him.

He was not there.

The Baron didn't want to go back to his dimension when it was all over.

So that's why I got to be very careful when I become the Baron because he's making it harder and harder on me to revert back to my normal self.

And don't anyone get any funny ideas like you come in here and the Baron's going to fuck you because

that's for home, right?

What?

Well, the Baron's not real, probably.

Really?

Tell him.

Where did I send my money?

Fuck blue juice.

life to see that things are normal.

One of our dreams are the dead that's going on and dying.

We gotta warn greats and change and wait and rock forever.

And time takes on.

Deadlock, spending your time to die, and then beating yourself broken.

All of your thoughts in violence, serving down with garbage.

Why don't we die ourselves and not for worthless reasons?

When time is alive.

Your time is mastering all of us.

Slaves of the coronal ground.

Binding me to its pound.

Your time is mastering all of us.

I'm wasting my time

with broken lies.

A bully's question

to I die.

You're eternally rendered you'll disband it by your loved ones.

Take your messages to the end that we'll leave your mind sprung.

I'm not the one selecting.

I focus my eyes.

Breathing deeply, I turn my head as everybody does.

Your time is mastering all of us.

Slayers on the corridor ground

binding me to his mouth.

Your time is mastering all of us.

I'm wasting my time with broken lies.

Fooling myself into the same moment.

Twice,

twice, twice, twice, twice.

Run out digging deep inside of me.

Don't get away from me.

Wow.

Oh, I got all the

time.

It seems to get some phantom constantly, disrupting my time.

It's filling my blood with his hands.

I've got an eraser, for choosing this path is not analytical, multi-shillable purple trading is my call.

I got no reason

for choosing this path is not analytical, multi-shillable purpose trading is my time at war.

Hey, so if you listen through the entire song,

you realize there's some more podcasting going on after the regular episode.

If you listened last week,

you heard that me and Gidham did

a little mini podcast to help Declan fill out the episode so that it could be released because of restrictions regarding ads.

And it was

pretty well received.

I mean, listen to some of these reviews, Giddam.

The tacked on minutes at the end were horrible.

Walt was a dick in that last bit, and not in a good or funny way.

He should ask Giddem a question.

Oh, he would ask Giddam a question.

Giddem would answer, and Walt would shit all over him.

Seemed awkward and not funny.

Seems about my normal workday.

They just should have counted out the time if that's all they were going to to do.

The quote-unquote bonus pod was anything but funny.

And my favorite review of all.

Okay.

A new low

in this podcast's history.

Wow.

Can you imagine that?

A new low.

So do we share that honor?

I think, obviously,

it's more my fault than your fault from the listeners.

So 60-40 split of the re uh taking claim for the lowest pot of the pod?

Yeah.

I mean, I would take, I'm going to take 100% of the blame for those

or credit for those reviews because apparently you were perfect

and I was a cock.

But with those kind of reviews, I was thinking maybe a semi-regular thing, a semi-regular 12-minute pod, and I got the perfect name for it, Giddem.

Okay.

12 Minutes in Hell with Gidem Steve Dave.

Ah, like the old party game.

12 Minutes in Heaven.

Wasn't it?

12 Minutes in Heaven?

Oh, yeah,

when you had to go kiss him.

I never went to those parties, so.

Me neither.

I never got in a closet and kissed anybody.

I used to been the bottle once, like when I was like 23.

But my thinking is 12 Minutes in Hell with Gatum Steve Dave.

And the play and the title is,

Are you in hell in 12 minutes because you got a pod with me because I treat you like a dick?

Or are the listeners in hell because they got to listen to what you're talking about?

That's up to the listener.

Apparently,

most people believe you're in hell because you have to deal with me.

Yeah,

I can't really hit the skip button right now.

So, you know,

I think that 12 minutes should be easily

found to

fill up.

But looking at the clock, I'm like, holy shit, we're only at two minutes and 43 seconds.

I thought this pod was almost over.

Well, last time was two minutes of you explaining why you had attacked the 12 minutes onto the pod, so that killed 10.

So let's see after this pod how this one's received.

I'm hoping to get the same kind of reaction, the same great reviews that we got last week.

You know, I mean, if we could top a new low in Telham Steve Bape History every week, then we're on to something.

So well, they'll get the high, they'll get the high with the with the most of the episode, and then they'll end with the low.

So it's like the

full range, the yin and the yang.

So I thought, you know, you should regale the listeners with some of the stories you've been telling me

on a daily basis, and

so they could hear

what we talk about.

And I want you to tell them about that

amazing dream you had about me

and the Star Wars universe.

So sit back, people,

and listen to this, and maybe it'll take us to,

but you only have eight minutes to tell it, Giddam.

I don't know.

So this is where your skills.

I got to tell you, cut it down by at least

75%.

And I'm not going to be a dick this time.

I'm going to let you tell it.

I'm not even going to comment.

I'm going to let the listeners.

I'm not going to taint the listeners or give any prejudice because I want them to just hear it as you tell it without any harsh or prickish comments from me.

And I think it paints you in a nice light, the dream I had.

All right, without further ado,

volume one of Gidham's Dreams.

So I was,

there was a new Star Wars movie.

Well, of course there's a new Star Wars movie coming out.

But

because of some weird coincidence, Walt got to design, you got to design

a new alien.

And so

one of the provisions was that you had to have a majority

input on who would play the character.

And they had already had somebody, but as soon as they saw my face, like the other people in the

focus group are like, no, this is perfect.

He's got the eyes.

They're like deep and sunk.

And this will accentuate the character perfectly.

So, I uh, and the other bonus thing was that it was a speaking role, so I was excited that I was going to get a SAG card because if you get one speaking line in a movie, you get a SAG card.

And I was really excited about that.

So,

I got into the chair, and they were going to do the life cast where they, you know, do your whole entire face so they could do the thing.

And I was excited about that as well because I remember reading long ago that Arnold Schwarzenegger is deathly afraid to do that full covering his face with plaster and foam foam and everything, and I was like all for it.

Latex.

Latex.

Okay.

And so I got to the point they had me in most of the thing, and they were just about to put the little tubes up my nose so they could cover the front of my face.

And I was like, I was nervous, but I was also really excited.

And that's when I woke up.

Amazing.

Huh?

And then, and

I felt that this, in 12 Minutes in Hell,

appropriately named, if you're listening to this, and we only have about six minutes left.

Do you have any other dreams?

You've told me, maybe that dream about you told me about you and Mike.

Which dream was that?

Wasn't it with MASH or something like that?

I don't know.

Or was that something you guys were actually talking about, and it wasn't a dream, and I was just living in a fucking nightmare.

As I had to sit there and listen to you guys talk about MASH.

I think he was, I sent him a picture after the whole Donald Trump banning

transgender people, I sent him a picture of Klinger.

And so he was commenting on how I'm sending him all these weird pictures in the messages.

And now,

have I been a dick so far?

I'm trying not to be.

I'm trying to be very supportive, and I think this could really take off and be a big thing.

Have you been a dick today, right now, or just this week in general?

No, just in

this first seven minutes.

No, I think

right now we're experiencing almost a role reversal because I had to work the store all day today while you guys were out filming, and I'm just drained.

And I just had to hear so many questions that it was the same answer over and over again, and I feel a little low energy.

And meanwhile, you seem to be very excited and upbeat.

Well, because I mean,

it's 12 Minutes in Hell.

It's the first official 12 Minutes in Hell episode, episode one, and which could lead to bigger and better things.

What about that?

You know, people are saying that, like, I treat you like a shit, like a shitheel.

I treat you like

less than a dog.

But what about that text I sent the other night when I was just like, hey, out of nowhere, I sent you a very supportive and nice text.

And your response, I thought, wasn't very nice back to me.

I believe I asked if you were having a stroke or if you were being kidnapped, and this was a call for help by you being so nice.

So, I mean, people, I mean,

I don't know where it comes from now.

You think I'm mean to this guy?

I mean,

I don't see it.

I mean, and I'm trying extremely hard not to be a dick on this in these last

three minutes, four minutes.

Any other what about any shelving anecdotes?

Anything that any restocking stories since the last time we spoke?

Well,

we got dinged by the fire inspector.

So for having things too close.

It has to be within it cannot, nothing can be within 18 inches of

the sprinklers.

So today, at the behest of the upstairs, the orders from headquarters,

I was tasked with trying to figure out how to interpret the NFPA guidelines to figure out exactly what we can and can't have.

Like, can we have shelves in that 18 inches, or is it just stock that we can't have in the 18 inches?

So,

after hearing that, even Satan himself is slack-jawed.

I can't believe the kind of punishment that

we are

foisting upon the listeners with

that kind of storytelling.

What's the text?

You were like, Great job.

It's better than perfect.

So I texted, Are you okay?

And you were like, Yeah, I was just going over everything and was really thinking it looks great.

Why?

I go, Compliments out of nowhere make me think you had a stroke or are being kidnapped.

And

honestly, people out there listening, how many bosses

send you texts like that?

Right?

How many bosses will send you a text like that?

So the next time you go online and you call me a prick, an asshole,

and you say it's the lowest point in Tellum Steve Dave history, you're just here in 12 minutes.

Maybe just 12 minutes in hell is not an accurate snapshot of what it's like to work side by side at the Stash with me.

And the follow-up texts were even better because we were both discussing the commercial for the Grab It as seen on TV product.

We were both commenting on the highlights of the product with the ratcheting lock grip and the bonus light.

This is like Stream of Conscious potting right here.

We're going from one thing to another.

The as-seen on TV commercials, I think I've reached a point now in my life where I must have aged to the point where every single thing I see as far as an as-seen on TV product, I'm like, I want that.

Yeah, because you texted both Mike and I because you saw the brand new

atomic lighter, yes, that like Hunter Ellis was like, you got to carry this thing around with you.

It lights up to 100 things on one charge.

And it kind of does look, it does look kind of cool, but it's not a Zippo.

Is that the sign of

crossing over into old man

territory?

What, that you want?

That every single thing I see as seen on TV, all those really shitty commercials of like, you can submerge it in ice.

You can run it over with a tank.

It won't break.

You need this item.

I don't think it's being old because you're being introduced to something new.

This is like the most newest lighter.

We've had Zippos for going on 90 years now, and all of a sudden we come out with this lighter that looks like it's something out of Star Wars.

Probably was something you've probably seen in Star Wars with the crossing plasma arcs, and it intrigues you.

It's a gadget, it's a gizmo.

I think that's the exact opposite of old man, of I do it my way, and that's the way we've always done it.

But every commercial that follows, they have seen it on TV product commercials, are like, you know, you're not too old for ARP or reverse mortgages.

Or do you need a new

hip replacement?

Yeah.

Oh, that knee joint.

Honestly, every time when I see those knee brace commercials, I think of Johnson.

Like, should I forward these to Johnson or not?

All right.

So we're winding down here in 12 Minutes in Hell.

And,

you know, will we come back for another episode?

Well, that remains to be seen.

We got to see if

we won some people over

after the first episode or we lost some people.

I'm excited to see what people, how they interpret my dream and what it says about us.

There's got to be people who do like dream interpretation, and they might have some interesting things to say.

I doubt it.

All right, that's it for 12 Minutes in Hill with Gidem Steve Dave.

Will we be back?

I don't know.

Listen through the entire song next week, and maybe you'll hear some

hellish

podcasting.

Jay Sarge, work on Jay Sarge, work on a intro.

Oh, wow.

Come on, man.

Now he's even bossing around Jay Sarge.

You people are fucking crazy calling me an asshole and a fucking dick.

Are you out of your minds?

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